#also what i mean by image is like when you're reading and its a certain scene and you can 'see' whats going on in your mind

[soracities]

how do you know when you're getting good at poetry? everybody dunks on halsey and rupi kaur's poetry, and i never really got why and idk if that's what i sound like

Honestly, I don't think there's ever a point at which you "know" you're getting good at poetry--I think "good" and "bad" are kind of vague and amorphous (and distracting) categories that don't do much in helping us understand the feel and impact of certain writing, chiefly because they can also be deeply subjective. How a poet views a particular work and how a reader views it will be very, very different because their relationship to the work is different. I also think "good" is a sort of external category that does not (or should not) carry into the act of writing itself--when you make "is this good?" the chief consideration as you write, you're not actually present in the writing: you're focused on the finished product, not the process, but the process is the most important thing: that's where the poem actually meets you. I think growth, in writing, is less about knowing if you're "good" in this regard, and more about being able to have confidence, or simply just trust, in the writing as it happens.

There's a famous saying somewhere that a work of literature is never "finished"--it just stops. I think skill, when it comes to writing, lies in recognising where this point is, in learning and developing how you navigate what it is you want to say, and how you say it. Some poems, eventually, reach a point where you can take them no further and you know there is nothing more to be said in them or through them. Some poems reach a point where you can take them no further, but there is still something left to be said in them. Those poems get revisited, worked, and reworked again, until they (maybe) get close to the first category: this may mean you work on them for a few weeks, or for years--but either way you are prioritizing the process of making the poem, not how it will be received. "Is this a good poem?" in my view at least, is not really the relevant question--what's relevant is "is this true to what I wanted to say?" Leonard Cohen famously wrote over 100 drafts of "Hallelujah"--I don't know if the central question for him here was just a matter of his skills as a songwriter.

Regarding Halsey and Rupi Kaur, I've only been able to read Halsey's poems through previews on Google Books so I don't know what other people's critiques are--based on what I saw, though, I don't know if it makes sense to criticize their quality as "poems" when she is primarily a songwriter and a lot of those poems wound up as songs. I'm more familiar with Rupi Kaur's writing, though, and others like her (Atticus, Michael Faudet etc), and while I have a personal policy of not getting into Kaur online (there's an ask here which is about as much as I'm willing to say regarding my feelings on her writing)--I can get into this trend or poetry "style" as a whole. And to be honest I think the chief issue here with poetry like this is that poetry, by definition, involves a deep and intimate relationship with language: this holds true regardless of whether the poem is simple, or complex, whether it's 5 lines long or goes on for 50 pages. As I said in that previous ask, it's not something you can reduce to a formula, nor is it a matter of mere reportage or a collection of statements: what makes a poem has nothing to do with line breaks (prose poems exist), but everything to do with how the language moves, how the language of a poem engages with its own content, with itself, and, as a result, with the reader.

The kind of work that proliferates on Instagram does not have that kind of engagement with language--they are, to me, pieces of information more than anything else. They reduce language to a series of stock phrases that act, not as actual words, but as images (and I don't mean this in a visually evocative way). It tries to evoke something that requires a thoughtful and sustained examination in order to be expressed, by surpassing the reality of what that examination actually requires. It tries to ape the effect of a powerful poem without the work that goes into actually being able to make that kind of a poem in the first place: and that work is a sustained encounter and confrontation with the language used and its relationship to what it tries to convey, in understanding that words are not interchangeable blocks you move around willy-nilly but that they have weight and intention, that they interact with each other to build up an idea or a feeling or a landscape in the most accessible way (insofar as language can make anything accessible, at least). But this is rarely, if ever, felt in IG poetry because it refuses to recognize or respect the demands and requirements of the medium it uses.

And because it is lacking in this engagement and recognition, these poems are also, for the most part, lacking sincerity--and this, to me, is one of the most crucial things when it comes to writing. I recall one IG poet whose work was in the same class as someone like Atticus, but I also recall one of his poems which genuinely moved me--and it moved me because, unlike everything else on his account, that poem felt sincere: the structure and the language wasn't any different to anything else he wrote, but in reading it, it was not a question for me of whether it was "bad" or "good"--what made the impact was that it was honest: and the difference showed. You can't come into a poem with ulterior motives. You can't come into it without an understanding, or respect, for the language you use. I'm absolutely not policing what people should or shouldn't read, and I'm not saying people are wrong for liking these poems, either, or that Halsey, Kaur, Atticus et al., are wrong for writing them. Expression is expression, and what speaks to you speaks to you. And to be honest, it is a different kettle of fish when you are writing something purely for yourself (and I think allowing yourself to partake in any kind of artform, without worrying about needing to be good at it, is deeply important for the human spirit)--but because they are putting their work out publicly, if we are going to be evaluating what they write and how they write it, that evaluation has to be rooted in an understanding of the art form they intend their work to be a part of.

For me, these are the main issues I have with these writers and their work and why I just do not like them. But I also want to stress that, ultimately, what you sound like in your own poems, anon, does not matter as much as being sincere to yourself does. As I said, I don' like using terms like "good" and "bad" and I think that often they're fairly reductive (and sometimes outright pointless) categories to use when we talk about and assess poetry--more than anything else, the key to building a robust and informed discernment when it comes to poems is to simply just read--read a lot of it and read widely. The broader and richer your repository of poetry (and literature in general) is, the more informed you are when it comes to all the different ways language can move through a poem, and all the different impacts it can have as a result. It deepens and enriches your understanding of all the different ways of looking at something, questioning something, expressing something. Your vocabularly grows and deepens; your net of associations--visual, linguistic etc--strengthens. And when this understanding grows you are able to place the things you read into a much wider and far more informed context. And this in turn allows you to grow as a reader and a writer. I hope this helps you a little, anon 💕

[quasimaddi]

Some studies when I was watching BCS for the first time. I really enjoy getting a good likeness, not just because it helps with recognizability of the fanart but also because it's a really fun challenge. Some tips on how I approach this:

You can see how I work through Kim and Jimmy's faces here: First I trace directly over screencaps from the show, focusing on marking the distance of each feature and its placement on their head shapes. How close is the brow to the eye, nose from the middle of the mouth, etc.

After tracing it out, I do some freehand sketches relying more on the shapes and proportions I've mapped out. The little arrows I've drawn next to some of the faces help me remember to keep note of the way certain lines or shapes curve into others. These are great things to exaggerate, because when you keep these things accurate and intact, the illusion of likeness comes through.

Whether you actively recognize it or not, your brain is always making connections to the negative space relationships between features almost as much as the shapes and positions of the features themselves.

Another thing I like to do is collect much more detailed, organized reference of the character I'm drawing and figure out the harmonies of the face. This is kind of a bastardized and oversimplified Reilly method, where I'll draw straight lines connecting each feature of the face to build landmarks. You can see me working though that here, with Barry.

I started figuring out his head shape, but I also found that the midpoint of his furrowed brow creates a triangle shape with the shape of his nose down to the edges of his mouth. Keeping this shape consistent, even in simplified/stylistic depictions of the character, means he will always be a little recognizable, because the part of your brain that knows what Barry looks like connects with that existing shape.

Playing with those abstractions can help you experiment with how you want a character to look. Don't worry if they don't look perfect. That's the fun of study. Here are a handful of Kimmies, each varying in % of likeness (and degrees of success), but all keeping some key points of her "design". You can see where I start to play with features, removing some things, tinkering with others.

Another little note...since we view these people through cameras, different focal lengths can affect the way their features are proportioned (take a look at the perceived width and height of Hader's enormous fucking head in the upper right corner compared to the adjacent images, for example)–– so this is a good way to keep that in check when you're doing studies. As always, this isn't drawing law. Draw fanart however you please, and feel free to discard all of this information! This is simply my approach, and it is fun for ME!

Thanks for reading.

This post brought to you by my Patrons, who saw this first on July 4 2023.

[ms-demeanor]

Nahhhh you lost me at the copyright bullshit. A machine created to brute force copy and learn from any and all art around it that then imitates the work of others, an algorithm that puts no effort of its own into work, is not remotely comparable to a human person who learns from others' art and puts work and effort into it. One is an algorithm made by highly paid dudebros to copy things en masse, another is the earnest work of one person.

I mean. You're fundamentally misunderstanding both the technology and my argument.

You're actually so wrong you're not even wrong. Let's break it down:

A machine created to brute force copy and (what does "brute force copy" mean? "Brute Force" has a specific meaning in discussions of tech and this isn't it) learn from any and all art around it that then imitates the work of others (there are limited models that are trained to imitate the work of specific artists and there are people generating prompts requesting things in the style of certain artists, but large models are absolutely not trained to imitate anything other than whatever most closely matches the prompt; I do think that models trained on a single artist are unethical and are a much better case of violating the principles of fair use however they are significantly transformative so even there the argument kind of falls apart), an algorithm that puts no effort of its own into work (of course this is not a fair argument to be having really because you're an asker and you can't argue or respond but buddy you have to define your terms. 'Effort' is an extremely malleable concept and art that takes effort is not significantly more art-y or valid than art that takes little or no effort like this is an extremely common argument in discussions of modern art - is Andy Warhol art, is Duchamps' readymades series art, art is a LOT more about context than effort and I'm not sure you're aware of the processing power used to generate AI art but there is "effort" of a sort there but also you are anthropomorphizing the model, the algorithm isn't generating "its own work"), is not remotely comparable to a human person who learns from others' art and puts work and effort into it. One is an algorithm (i mean it's slightly more complicated than that, we're discussing a wide variety of models here) made by highly paid dudebros (this completely ignores the open source work, the volunteer work, the work of anybody who is not a 'dudebro,' which is the most typically tumblr way of dismissing anything in tech as the creation of someone white, male, and wealthy which SUCH a shitty set of assumptions) to copy things en masse, another is the earnest work of one person.

Okay so the reasonable things I've pulled out of that to discuss are:

"A machine created to learn from any and all art around it is not remotely comparable to a human person who learns from others' art and puts work and effort into it. One is an algorithm made to copy things en masse, another is the earnest work of one person."

And in terms of who fair use applies to, no. You're wrong. For the purposes of copyright and fair use, a machine learning model and a person are identical. You can't exclude one without excluding the other. There isn't even a good way to meaningfully separate them if you consider artists who use AI in their process while not actually generating AI art.

I feel like I don't really have to make much of an argument here because the EFF has done it for me. The sections of that commentary from question 8 own are detailed explanations of why generative models should reasonably be recognized as protected by fair use when trained on data that is publicly available.

But also: your definition of "copying" is bad. You're wrong about what a copy is, or you're wrong about what generative image models do. I suspect that the latter is much closer to the truth, so I'd recommend reading up on generative image models some more - that EFF commentary has plenty of articles that would probably be helpful for you.

[theheirofthesharingan]

Random question, but let's say that Itachi lived right? Like all the way to Boruto, do you think Itachi would probably be that one, almost, father figure to Sarada in a way? Considering since Sasuke has always been away from the two of them (Sakura and Sarada) if Itachi decided to stay in Konoha instead of traveling with Sasuke? Also I wonder how Itachi would react to Sasuke being with Sakura as well, I wonder, what do you think?

Interesting question.

To answer this, we need to consider some major factors that were crucial in shaping their lives.

If itachi lived, he should have the development he did during the war i.e. realizing treating Sasuke like a baby was a bad choice he made all along.

Sasuke doesn't know Itachi is alive. Why would he leave the village in the first place if Itachi was alive?

Itachi doesn't know where Sasuke is. Why else would Itachi stay in the village if he could be with his brother?

Konoha has somehow cleared his name and acknowledged its own crimes against the clan.

Still, I'm going to answer this question with the ideas that are independent of each other and don't need each other to exist (if that makes sense?)

I think Itachi would be a terrible father figure to Sarada. He didn't grow up to lead a normal life full of love and comfort. He was a Shinobi who was trained to kill. That's what he did all his life and he never had the time to be anything other than that. He loved Sasuke a lot, but his expression was thoroughly violent, although under extreme duress, and in a slightly easier life he'd have served better. He doesn't know how to be a normal person. He doesn't understand how to be something that's not a Shinobi and a killer. He was conditioned since his childhood to live a certain way and the change in the lifestyle would not change anything for him. I personally don't see him being able to guide Sarada or be a positive/healthy influence in her life. He can't give anything to her, or anyone, for that matter.

He's way, way too damaged as a person. Even if you include therapy sessions those won't erase his past and what he feels about himself. He can't offer anything in a bonding that isn't with Sasuke. He'd still feel some affection towards Sarada. He has no reason to not like her, but he can't be a parent figure to her. I mean, isn't that the whole reason Sasuke, too, isn't a 'good father' to Sarada? He too is damaged beyond repair.

Some anti-SS content under the cut. No slander or bashing of the characters, but my opinion on why Itachi might not approve of Sakura as his brother's life partner. I'll tag the post accordingly. Please don't read if you're a fan of the pairing.

He will not be overly thrilled about Sakura being in Sasuke's life. Sasuke didn't love Sakura and Sakura never loved Sasuke. She was obsessed with an image of his she found alluring and his absence in her life fed that longing further, making her feel she loved him. He was a trophy for her she was to win in the contest of her rivalry against Ino.

In other words, she had no genuine feelings for Sasuke.

Sasuke, too, never felt any affiliation towards her. Yes, there were some moments he cared about her deeply, but he's genuinely kind and caring towards people. If he loved her he'd be more open about his feelings.

When Itachi met Team 7 in the Kazekage Rescue Arc, he paid no attention to Sakura. His attention was solely on Naruto and was happy to see Naruto had grown so much from the last time they met. There was a reason he entrusted Sasuke with Naruto. And he wouldn't be too pleased to know that Sakura once tried to kill his brother for whom he bore the worst pains and sins in his heart.

That alone would infuriate him. However, it wouldn't matter to him if Sasuke really loved Sakura, because I don't think the Itachi that bid farewell to Sasuke in the war would claim any stakes on him. If Sasuke loved Sakura he would be okay with it, but not trust her. Itachi's brain works in different ways. xD

Itachi would also understand there's a reason his brother doesn't want to be with his family. And his lack of affection towards them would tell him everything. He decided things for Sasuke when he saw him as a child in the past, but won't make the same mistakes again.

I think he'd like Sarada, but won't be extremely fond of Sakura. Though I don't see him being good with kids at all.

[leonaquitaine]

Post-Processing Guide: Image Quality

So you went and took that perfect screenshot! Now it's time to share it around, but you noticed a certain graininess, a certain fuzziness when posting it on Twitter or Eorzea Collection. So what's going on? Well, let's understand some concepts related to digital images: namely formats, how they influence images in simple operations like crop and resize, and how to prevent loss of quality.

Resolution

This is the easiest concept to explain; the higher the number of pixels, the more detail the image will have. For example, a screenshot taken at standard 2K resolution (2048 x 1090) will have 2,211,840 pixels, while a 4K (4096 x 2160) will pack more details at 8,847,360 pixels.

That also affects file sizes, if you ever hear me crying about the size of my screenshots folder.

There's a myriad of resolutions and formats out there; for more information, check out this Wikipedia entry about display resolutions.

Digital Image Formats

There are many different digital image formats, but the 2 most common for XIV photography are JPEG and PNG - each with its own advantages and disadvantages.

PNG is a lossless format, meaning no data is lost when the image is saved. This results in higher-quality images, but also files that are larger.

JPEG is a lossy format, meaning some data is lost when the image is saved. This data loss can result in artifacts, such as blockiness and color banding. However, JPEG files are smaller than other formats.

The issue with JPEG is that its data loss is cumulative: Each time that you edit and save the file, a little bit of information is lost. Also, depending on the chosen compression level, the loss is quite noticeable. The image below shows how much noise (wrong data) is actually introduced by each compression level:

Crop and Resize

When you crop an image, you are removing pixels from the edges, often to give focus to a specific subject. In this scenario, the loss of information is irrelevant.

But when resizing- often to decrease the size of the image to better adapt it to a target site- you're losing detail, and the chosen interpolation algorithm may influence how much of the original image is used to help determine the result. Here's an example with a 20% resize, using raw pixel mapping on the left and linear sampling on the right. Notice the antialiased result that creates a much better effect:

Keep in mind that different programs may present the interpolation options in different ways. For example, this is how GIMP displays its options when resizing:

So with all that said, how should we proceed to preserve as much as possible of the original data?

How to Prevent Loss of Quality

Use a high-resolution image. The higher the resolution, the more detail the image will have, and the less likely you are to lose considerable quality when cropping or resizing. Nya Nya has an excellent guide about resolution upscale (a method that allows you to take a 4K screenshot on a 2K native resolution, for example) here. I highly recommend a read!

Use a lossless image format. Lossless formats, such as PNG, do not lose any data when the image is saved. This will help to prevent loss of quality when cropping or resizing.

Keep resizing to a minimum. The more you resize an image, the more likely you are to introduce artifacts or jitter. If you need a close-up, for example, take a close-up screenshot and resize it a little bit instead of cropping around a small area in a larger full-body image.

When scaling down, use interpolation methods that take more data from the original image into consideration, like Linear or Cubic, instead of raw interpolation.

Resize and save images in the expected resolution of a target site. For example, Eorzea Collection uses 339x570 for its vertical shot; cropping and resizing your image to this resolution will prevent artifacts from being introduced by the site's own resizing algorithm.

TL;DR: Keep the resolution high, the changes to a minimum, and save as PNG.

Let me know if you have any questions!

[copperbadge]

Have we found a tumblr replacement yet? Apparently the latest “live” shenanigans were the thing that it took to break me. I’m not trying to stir shit, I’m just mostly here for you and a couple other blogs, so I’m going wherever you go.

I wish, but unfortunately not so far. I mean, I've talked a little about how I'd like to find one but there aren't really any viable ones right now, and there may not be a fandom mass-migration for years still. I'm more likely to follow the crowd than blaze a trail in this case, so it may be some time. For now my only real tactic is to simply not engage with staff or support at Tumblr in any way, and accept the changes as gradual steps towards the site's demise with as much serenity as I can muster.

I've already accidentally opened Tumblr Live twice while trying to navigate the app, which I'm sure is intentional, given I've now suddenly opened Tumblr Live twice since its inception instead of Zero. Relatedly, I would love to see them redirect that passion into making the "Mute Notifications" button actually work, but mine is not to reason why.

Anyway. There are options available, like obviously there are other social media platforms, but none have quite the combination of "easy to use" and "has a lot of people on it" and "Offers the same functionality" (photo and video hosting, an app, etc) even with an "ease of use" and "functionality" that are as crap as Tumblr's.

For example, Dreamwidth is great, but it's a Livejournal code fork so it's a very different format from Tumblr, more labor-intensive to make and share posts (no reblog function, image embedding can get a bit complicated, etc). CoHost is new and very promising but a bit of a ghost town right now -- I'm there and I've had a bunch of people find me there but still exponentially less than are on Tumblr. Pillowfort I still need to re-investigate; I'm there as well but it's been a while since I looked in, and I was struggling with the functionality previously. I had a look at Mastodon, but as positive as decentralized servers could be for the future of social media, I actively dislike the idea, and it also seems difficult to set up and complex to maintain. Discord is....there, and a lot of fandom stuff has shifted there, but its structure is very different and it's also decentralized, and also I hate it passionately and refuse to use it, so that's a no-go for me, though I suspect it's where fandom might end up.

If you're struggling with accessing tumblr directly, you might consider feeding the blogs you follow to an RSS reader -- I know people who do that and find it pretty functional, because then if they want to comment they can just pop open the specific post and deal with it directly. I don't know how much you know about RSS and I don't have the energy to fully explain it right now, but NetVibes is a pretty decent free RSS reader and it's what I use for certain blogs outside of Tumblr.

In any case, if I do find a place, or if I see the migration beginning, I'll sound the alarm :) In the meantime I'm still reading through my tumblr, stashing away posts to save off when I leave, even if that'll be a while.

[townslore]

if you're comfortable, i would love to know more about the akechi npd headcanon. i think it's a rlly interesting take on his character and i wanna learn more abt npd bc i have bpd and ig im interested in what people experience with the other cluster b personality disorders? i just kinda wanna know why you think he has it and also maybe some of the mental stuff he has to experience with it. doesn't have to be detailed or personal i dont wanna make u uncomfy! i just cant stop thinking abt this hc haha :)

im actually on a mental health break right now, but this ask intrigued me so im answering it anyway. first off thank you for staying kind throughout the whole thing :)

its kind of hard for me to really describe why i think a character has/is something, because things like personality disorders are still a wide spectrum and every person experiences things differently, and i dont wanna make it seem like theres a one-way to have npd, but im gonna try anyway!

there is a site which helped me immensely throughout my self-diagnosis, so if you want to read more about the topic than what im gonna say here, here u go:

lets start simple and the thing that makes it most obvious to me: the engine room dialogue.

people with npd can heavily rely on other people for their self-esteem, because narcissists usually have a very low one. thats why they take on many tasks ("i was extremely particular about my life, my grades, my public image—so someone would want me around!") and might overwork themselves for more praise and acknowledgement ("you wanted to be acknowledged, didn't you? to be loved?") because its what they need to not constantly crash. a crash is something that happens when you dont get enough supply—which can be words of affection, praise, acknowledgement, etc—and you internalize it, doubt yourself, feel disgusting and generally you get to a really low point. this is just speculation, but i can see goro having a ton of those, especially during the time the phantom thieves get popular and he becomes public enemy nr 1. thats also why i drew him thinking "i really need supply rn but i'd rather die than ask for attention" because vulnerability is also a big thing people with npd can struggle with. we dont want to be seen as weak—our narcissism is essentially a shield, so we're seen as tough, when in reality, our egos can be very fragile.

one thing that the engine room makes very clear and also other interactions goro has with akira, is that hes very envious of others who have had it better than him. especially someone like akira, who was thrown away by society just like he was, was able to move past it, found friends and is acknowledged by many people. goro is jealous of it all, and thats the thing; people with npd can feel like they're supposed to be special ( and to me, with goro explaining how he got his personas, and how he often calls others stupid, its clear that he does feel that way about himself to a certain degree ) and anyone who threatens that status, anyone who seems much more special than we are is seen as a legitimate threat. its an ugly feeling and it can make us hate even those we love for some time.

this attributes to dysregulation of our emotions too. people with npd often feel their emotions, especially negative ones, way more intense than they actually should be and have difficulty calming down due to that. negative emotions often linger for a long period of time and its hard to move on so we hold grudges. now this might come to no surprise to anyone that goro is a very angry and sad person. especially in the engine room its clear that even after the others extend their hands out to him, its difficult for him to comprehend and he still acts rather mean and calls them idiots for trying to "save" him. when someone with npd is experiencing a multitude of negative emotions, it may cause them to avoid other people or act aggressive towards them because they feel trapped. theres many explanations as to why goro is the way he is in the 3rd semester, and i dont think only one of them has to be correct, but i do think that with the knowledge of whats happening ( like: being under the control of someone else again, or having to work with people who are unpredictable and who have seen you at your lowest point ) makes him act out to keep all of them, especially akira, at bay.

in the duel against akira—im sorry i cant really quote it, i just have a general idea of it in my head rn—i read what he says in a way that makes it clear that he struggles with a superiority AND inferiority complex, which sounds stupid at first i know, but its fairly easy to explain. like i already said, a narcissist's self-esteem is usually pretty low and we rely on others to know how to feel about ourselves. theres two traits of npd that are necessary traits to have: being self-centered and feeling entitled to good treatment, and seeking admiration from others/liking to be the center of attention. so there is some kind of superiority complex going on, at least thats what i would call it in goro's ( and my ) case. we can feel on top of the world in one moment, but once we have a crash or experience intense negative emotions, its back to being the worst human being on earth. i dont think its ooc to say that goro hates himself, as some like to claim he only ever thinks hes better than everyone else. i think that just attributes to harmful stigma. with everything goro experiences in life, coping with narcissism to hide a fragile sense of being just makes sense to me.

theres more i could probably add here but this thing is long enough as is. please do keep in mind that many of my headcanons for goro are me projecting—but that doesnt mean theres no basis for it in canon as well, as i've tried to explain here. at first i actually thought he could have bpd, but i dont know enough about it to really judge that—so it could still very well be that, or both, i dont really know how it works! im rather new to this as well, and at first i was scared of doing any research because npd is so heavily stigmatized. i wish there were more people like you, anon.

if you have any more questions feel free to ask them :)

[i-am-the-oyster]

Hi there, I also have a quick question about this post (Paul's guilt about hurting John, possibly evidenced in song notes during the making of RAM, and its source—that he left John, despite having promised not to).

Are you saying Paul felt guilty towards John, and knew why, during the making of RAM? And, if so, how would you square this with Paul's notorious 'grief rant' phonecall with Hunter Davies shortly after John's death, where Paul appears not only upset by the idea that he hurt John, but also unaware of what he could have done to cause this hurt?

"But what had really got Paul upset that day was an interview with Yoko in which Yoko was quoted as saying that Paul had hurt John more than any other person. Paul thought they were amongst the cruelest words he ever read." (Hunter Davies grief rant fun)

Was Paul bullshitting Hunter? (Go, Paul)

Was Paul being defensive and angry b/c Yoko blamed him for hurting John in public?

Was Paul not surprised to hear he'd hurt John (after all, they hurt each other often), but struck by the 'more than any other person' part?

I don't mean to say you're right or wrong. I'm just curious to hear you elaborate on this. Meaning, your take on Paul's guilt, and how accessible it was to him consciously. I've long been thinking about him hearing this claim, 'you hurt him more than anyone else', and how different that would have landed, depending on how aware/guilty he felt.

(Whether Paul was right to feel guilty or not is a completely different matter, and doesn't play a role on my question.)

Thank you for the wonderful meaty (sorry Paul!) ask!

I think Paul *did* feel guilty at the time, but I wouldn't exactly say Paul was bullshitting Hunter. The thing that always jumps out at me from that transcript is where Paul says:

There's only one incident I can think of that John has mentioned publicly.

(emphasis mine)

Isn't that an interesting distinction in the context? It makes me think that there were deeply private things that they each did to the other but Paul feels certain that those things would never end up the subject of public discussion.

I don't buy the image of Paul as lacking self-awareness or self-reflection. BUT he is extremely good at re-framing things in a positive way "so many times I had to change the pain to laughter" AND he is a very contrary person. He seems to often instinctively push against whatever narrative the person opposite him is proposing, especially where the topic needs some nuance. (eg the one time he approaches the topic of Jim's violence is in response to Stern pushing Paul's own "idyllic childhood" bit).

So back to the version of their story that had in mind when I made my original post. (Which I'm not married to, but seems like a plausible scenario worth exploring). Paul and John are in a codependent relationship, John has clearly expressed his terror that Paul might leave (as he did with Cyn). John's behaviour has become erratic and (at least borderline) abusive. Paul knows that if he lets go John will "take a tumble", but he's exhausted and Linda is teaching him to take his own desires and needs into account in a much healthier way. (Not to suggest Paul was never selfish in the 60s lol, but he wasn't practicing actual self-care).

John is spiraling, and pushing Paul away in that heartbreaking pattern I call "see I knew you were going to leave". (I'm sure there must be a name for it in psychology). Linda doesn't yet realise the depth of feeling she's dealing with. Paul knows how terrified John is, he's promised he won't be like the others, he won't leave. But he can't do it any more. John finally convinces him that he actually wants him to leave, he bawls his eyes out in front of Mal, and he disappears to Scotland.

I think he would be absolutely wracked with guilt.

And then I think as part of his recovery from that depression he would reassure himself that he did need to leave, that it was the right choice, that he and John could continue to care about one another deeply and move on.

I think Yoko's statement was unnecessarily cruel hurt him, and triggered that contrary response. What's she even talking about? What did I do? The worst ever?!

Thanks again!

[the-s1lly-corner]

I’m hoping this is the inbox- pls help I’m used to just reading what’s in the tags on tumblr and never requesting anything 🥹

I hope you’re having an amazing day/night/whatever time of day it is for you-!!! I just found your blog and I am so happy I did!! I’ve been binge reading it but the fact that I found someone who writes for Creepypasta???? I’m??? In luv??? (platonically ofc) may I request some LJ with a fem!reader who has bpd and he’s their fp, carries his little music box everywhere she goes and always “talks” to him in public, not caring about any crazy looks she gets from people?

Also politely asking to be 🩶 anon (if you’re taking any ofc-)

Laughing Jack x fem!reader w/ BPD who has him as her FP!

UEUEUEUE im so happy to hear you love my writing sm ehehehe! always thrilled to hear people enjoying my stuff/that it makes them happy! i hope you enjoy this, i havent written a reader with BPD before so i hope this is decent! also also youre doing wonderful; requesting i mean! i dont think theres many rules against how youre meant to request (every blog is different though!!)

honestly i think hes genuinely thrilled to be taken around and about with you in his little box! usually hes sitting in his box waiting for an unfortunate soul to take it home; its been like this for... a while now... so actually being able to go around and see things is a nice change of pace! plus it makes him feel more included in your life rather than just being an "at home friend"

i think in the beginning youre going to have to ask him to pipe down a little since he might talk a little too loud... like near yelling because hes just so excited

loves helping you shop :)! quick heads up though he might beg you to buy stuff you guys dont need

general silly ideas aside, i think hed be chattering the entire time so you two probably always have a conversation going on whenever you guys are out

probably sneers at people who give you looks tbh, will probably trip them if they decide to be a little ruder and mutter something under their breath while theyre passing by you... i mean they cant prove anything! they just tripped on air! jack totally didnt swipe one of his long arms out and tug their ankle back!

the only downside is that jack cant do much outside of talking and sneaking stuff around since him just fully popping out his box might blow his cover, you know? doesnt mean he doesnt have the urge to jump out when he sees you getting a little stressed out or overwhelmed about your surroundings or when someone is being particularly cruel

though i dont doubt hes remembering faces; i mean at the end of the day hes still a clown that specializes in torment, do i really need to say what hes cooking up in his brain?

no in cases where you're beginning to struggle hes probably going to try to quietly urge you to disconnect and take a breather

keeps your favorite candies on him at all times and slips them into your hand, probably does the same to any stress/fidget toys you may or may not have.. though i do hc he can just materialize certain things and i can easily see that sort of thing falling into something he can just yoink into existence

very good at reassuring you of your worth and how much you mean to him; this is a general thing but i think he makes it more of a point if self image is something you particularly struggle with

who would have thunk it, the clown with abandonment issues is good at reassuring others that hes not going to go anywhere

[rin-and-jade]

Brain Goes Brr: A Post about Systems with Comorbidities

I'm back with my dedicated role of writing things for the sake of educational purposes, this time it's about how the two most common comorbids systems have can affect their life, and probably your's too. Being plural is one thing, but when you have the spicy brain (adhd) or the tism (autism),, things changes a lot, the few examples are: thoughts, inner-communication, social challenges, interests, and types of alters too.

Now, how do alters have varying degrees in neurodivergence? Actually, HOW does it mesh together with systemhood?? Because the brain is so complex, this is way too hard to be explained thoroughly,, so in short, it has to do with cognitive styles that got woven together. This also means why certain parts have its individual strengths that respectively comes from the existing comorbid as parts light up the brain's region with different neural paths and intensity.

How would 'tism affect my plural life?

There's a bunch of things that affects you and your other parts, such as:

Special interests - alters can be deeply invested in a certain topic or expertise, the type of interest can vary in multiple parts.

Comfort in consistency or patterns - some alters may prefer eating the same food everyday, or wear the same thing, or stick to their self-made routine. Though the frequency may vary as some can tolerate eating something different and etc.

Less welcoming to change of lifestyle or elses - alters may also have trouble adjusting to a new schedule or area, creating distress and anxiety,, this is managable by coping and planning beforehand.

Issues with social interactions and empathy levels - others may find trouble in understanding social cues, or articulation, and have different levels of verbality. Some may also be hyper-empathetic or struggle to understand what others are feeling, this can be a collective struggle or different variations between parts.

Sensory sensitivities - Last but not least, alters have different sensitivities, some can't handle loud noises, some can't eat a certain texture, some can't wear a type of clothing. Everyone's sensitivity look different.

Fictives/introjects - Due to possibly having interests from a source or finding comfort from it, system with tism are more common being seen with higher amounts of introjects. You're not faking for having too much of a certain type of alters, no worries.

What about the spicy.. or something,, ?

I think you can vaguely get the image, but i'm still telling it here:

Focus and attention - excluding the general experiences of this, i just want to say that the communication between alters are disrupted due to the inability to focus at a part speaking, this may or may not make the system have blurry or muffled inner voices most of the time. Articulating is also a problem, which makes exchanges harder.

Restlessness - this might affect the amount of parts being present, or the amount of switches,, thoughts may be sped up which can make the whole collective or certain part get lost in tracks.

Constant shifting in hobbies/interests - the struggle on keeping a hobby because the dopamine or commitment is lost makes the alter pick up a different one, leaving the previous products or items revolving it in a clutter. Now do this will multiple parts.

Unable to keep up with memories - some alters may have trouble remembering or recalling important things, just like how adhd affects normal people. Though this may vary between parts.

When you have both, the traits of spicy brain and tism may overlap each other, which makes it harder to determine if its only adhd, or only autism, or both,, but don't worry, gather more sources to read on as i don't included all of the traits or struggles each has fully.

So yes, this is how the two most common comorbids comes to play in how a system live their life. The first step of living a better life always starts from being aware and educate yourself more about how it affects you the surroundings. See you next time! (yes i like calling adhd "the spicy" and autism as "tism" please let me be)

Disclaimer: the adhd part comes from my friends as i don't have it myself, please understand.

- j

[runwayrunway]

No. 41 - Air Astra

One of the reasons I take requests, other than 'it's fun' and 'so many airlines to choose from', is that sometimes people request teeny airlines that I've never heard of in my life (despite knowing about a lot, and I mean a lot, of airlines, both present and defunct). The most prominent example of this is, of course, Amakusa Airlines, but today's subject is another airline I hadn't heard of before - Bangladesh's newest airline, Air Astra.

I love this logo. It's sleek, aerodynamic, and looks like it could be the logo for a company in a science-fiction movie. The integration of the star in the letter A and the bright gold colour are both really nice choices. The kerning is a little bit strange, admittedly, but the nice connected letters more than make up for it.

Air Astra is one of only four passenger airlines with its air operator's certificate issued by Bangladesh. Its hub is at Shahjalal International Airport, and it flies to five destinations with two more on the way. It's privately owned, the first privately owned airline in the country to be founded since 2013, and it's a baby, having only started flights in 2022! Because of this pictures from certain angles are a bit hard to find, but I've done my best.

image: Md Shaifuzzaman Ayon

Their fleet is currently made up of three ATR 72-600s, with seven more on order at some point in the future. I've also heard rumours about them looking into Embraer regional jets and potential freight operations, but those are a bit vague and my inability to read Bengali is a limitation on my research. As it stands now, though, something I've never expressed out loud on this blog, I don't think, is that I'm a huge fan of regional turboprops. Operators in the US seem to be downright afraid of them and will use regional jets for even the tiniest of puddle-hops (maybe they think travelers are intimidated by them?) but they're a lot more efficient for low-altitude flights and cut down on things like fuel usage and noise. The larger ones, like the ATR 72, don't really feel that different from a jet when you're sitting in the cabin.

An Air Astra cabin interior, featuring bright yellow antimacassars with their logo and tagline. Not the absolute roomiest and a bit annoying for taller individuals but I've seen far worse.

And because the ATR 72 is such a big plane, it takes up a fair amount of space on the tarmac! Honestly, it's probably pretty hard to miss an Air Astra plane, especially in the light. Because wow is that a bright shade of yellow. I actually really like the specific hue they chose. One thing that makes me qualified to run this blog despite having no qualifications is the fact that I am apparently significantly better than average at telling apart colour on minuscule scales, so I do have to point out that this yellow isn't the most common shade. For example, it immediately stood out to me as being both darker and more orange than what, say, Spirit Airlines uses. And I think that's a pretty good choice. It's a lot more vibrant than other colours of a similar saturation. I love it.

I always like when airlines put enough colour on the underside that you can clearly tell what airline the plane flies for from the ground. This is especially true for smaller planes that don't really have space for a logo on the belly. Air Astra goes for the same general shape both IndiGo and Azul have on their ATRs - again, my theory is that it's to contour around the ventral fairing, which is very pronounced on the type. I really like when airlines work with the shape of their plane rather than slapping the same livery on each model without considering the differences between them. The ATR is a curvy plane, and having a curvy livery on it really works. I also like the arc of yellow on the underside of the engine cowlings.

The shade of yellow they chose is incredible because it stays very consistent regardless of lighting somehow. That said, I do have some criticisms. The grey they chose really doesn't stand out enough from the white to make the trim or the first half of the wordmark legible, which is a real shame. They've also done something that many turboprop operators fall into - making the wordmark very tiny and below the windows. They're clearly not shy about showing off their identity, so it's a shame that it's hampered by this!

If it were up to me, I would have two ideas. The first and simpler one is to significantly darken the shade of grey used, which I think would take away a little from the gold-and-silver situation happening and also from the starry look of the shade they've chosen. My ideal solution would be painting the part of the plane which is left white in their chosen silver, and the parts that are currently silver in white. An alternative, perhaps even better, could be a black or deep grey replacement for the white so the grey could stand out - shine like a star. They could even add little specks for constellations. The star theme for an airplane is fantastic and I think they should lean into it!

You know what else would be fantastic? A shooting star theme. Just think about it. The logo already sort of puts me in mind of that, as does the elegant sweep of silver trim. I doubt it but I sincerely hope someone from Air Astra is reading this and taking notes.

I also think something could be done with the momentum that you get from the place the star intersects the letter A - a further sectioning of the fuselage along that line, maybe? I don't want to get carried away redesigning the Air Astra livery (even though livery redesigns are a thing I've considered doing, if I can get my hands on a graphics tablet) so for the moment I'll leave it at this final criticism: the centering of the logo on the tail is a little weird. I'm not sure how it could be improved without making it smaller, which would also be bad, but I also think the degree to which the star is wider than the A really makes it feel pushed back, which isn't my favorite. It's similar to the kerning on the wordmark where it doesn't ruin it or anything but I do notice it. (That said, the wordmark looks a lot better on the actual plane.)

image: Air Astra

I'm quite optimistic about Air Astra so far! At least, their livery. How they do as a company is obviously not something I have the knowledge or credentials to judge, though apparently they've been outperforming projections and have been reviewed positively for having service that meets expectations while their customer support exceeds them. They've only existed for under a year, and generally periods of expansion are what test airlines the most, so the fact that they've been handling themselves well so far is a good sign.

That said, I'm very happy with their livery. There's a lot about it that I think could be improved, because the start they have could easily be twisted into something A-worthy, but they have a great, memorable, clean logo, a great palette, and clearly a competent design team. Everything here is nice and well-executed, and I hope in the future they can elevate their livery to the same level as their logo, but what they've got already is a fantastic start. I hope things keep going well for them, because these planes would inject some much-needed vibrance to any airstrip.

Grade: C+

I did debate elevating that to a B-, but I settled on C+ because in the past that's where I've put other liveries that I think have a lot of room to grow. When I review a livery I'm not only rating it relative to other liveries but also relative to its own potential, which opportunities they've taken and which they've overlooked. Air Astra is good, but they could be great, and they're brand-new so they have plenty of time to get there.

Thank you to anon for the request! I really had a blast looking into this airline. It's incredible how it seems the larger an airline is the more determined it becomes to be boring, while smaller carriers without the massive design budgets are putting them to shame. One Air Astra plane would draw more attention than a dozen of Lufthansa's if they somehow ended up on the same tarmac, and clearly they stick with people enough that someone requested them. I think that's a massive victory.

[dovithedarklord]

Age of Monsters - Chapter Seven

Pairing: OFC x Simon "Ghost" Riley, OFC x König

Tags: Slow Burn, Slow Build, Enemies to Lovers, Alternate Universe, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, POV First Person, Not Beta Read, Medical Inaccuracies, Military Inaccuracies, AFAB OC

Trigger Warning: The story will contain violance, blood and smut in detail. Please, keep that in mind!

⚠️MDNI⚠️

...................................

Author's Note

Leona and the small team reflect on the past over a drink. And this is the last calm moment before the storm.

Hello!

I don't have a separate trigger warning for this chapter. There is only a pleasant conversation going on to make the past clearer :D

Have fun!

I.M.L. - Infected mammalian lifeform.

if you're interested you can find the story on AO3: Chapter Seven

...................................................

I stroll through the maze of the base with springy steps, and my lightness is further enhanced by the fact that during the night, I finally managed to make up for all the minutes of sleep I missed so far, which was topped by doing nothing for the rest of the day. Thanks to my beauty sleep and long relaxation, the vitality seems to have found its way back into my body, and it almost feels strange to finally exist without pain, injuries, and tension within the walls of this god-forsaken establishment. Of course, it’s also undeniable that such a healthy glow graced my face after escaping the clutches of death, which would've been difficult to achieve with other means. And while at first I thought that my exciting little adventure yesterday would at least haunt me a bit, I was positively disappointed in my own subconscious, because it didn’t entertain me with any horrific images in my dreams. After my favorite masked Hunter and I rolled back between the safe walls of the base, I was convinced that even though I had experienced or committed certain types of violence, and I was by no means an angel, I lived with the suspicion that my struggle for survival would leave a deeper mark on me. But nothing else remained after the incident, only the sparks of my enlightenment, which still glow vividly in my mind even now, on my way to Price's office.

The revelations that came with my newfound wisdom were only solidified when I saw the reception committee made up of my two cheerleader boys after our arrival, who welcomed my dirty, bloody, and most of all, worn-out person with the right amount of shock and concern. And from the mixture of surprise and worry on their faces, the warmth in my rough little soul, which I had tried to forget before with every fiber of my being, was renewed. And as MacTavish, cursing in a voice distorted by his strong accent, observed my state that was light years away from pleasant, and as Garrick firmly assured me that they would not torture me to death the next day, it was once again confirmed in me, that it was a good idea to come back and stay with this team.

As I turn into one of the corridors swimming in the light of the setting sun, my destination appears in front of me, to which I received a rather mysterious invitation from the captain during the morning, who didn't bother to explain his intentions as to why he would like to disrupt my day off. Of course, I have a hunch that he's curious about the details of my outing with Riley, and I'm almost glad he called me to have a chitchat, because, despite my revelations, I still have questions that I'd like to ask him. I'd like to believe that my entire field trip was just a figment of the masked Hunter's brain, and that he was behind the plan just by himself, but what kind of superior would Price be if such mischievous things could happen without his knowledge? And the realistic side of my brain demands to know the reason why the bearded man thought it was a good idea to send me into the wilderness for a survival game. Of course, my soul was filled with motivation to selfishly soak up the kindness potentially directed at me and to behave in a slightly nicer way from now on, but I didn’t become a saint overnight, and I didn't forget that I owed this new experience to some kind of agreement.

I knock on the door of Price's office when I arrive and stop in front of it, and when I hear a loud "Come in!" filter through, I wrap my fingers around the doorhandle and open the entrance to the Hunter's cave. And as my eyes take in the picture unfolding in front of me, my eyebrows rise in interest from the small group waiting for me in the room. The Hunters glance at me almost simultaneously as my arrival interrupts them from whatever they were doing in their rather intimate solitude around Price's huge table. And suddenly I have the sneaking suspicion that I've fallen into something that I'm not sure I want to have anything to do with. Especially if I was pulled away from the joys of my already rare me-time due to some work-related nonsense.

"Woods!" MacTavish springs up from his place next to Price's table with intense enthusiasm, and with a huge smile on his face, he beckons me in, inviting me inside. I am no longer surprised by the man's raging energy, but now it somehow irritates me less than when he conveys the same image toward my suffering person from the side of some training site. "Our little survivor has arrived!" The man states, emphasizing my brand new status, and the irrational glee that dominates his features dispels the suspicion that arose in me at the sight of the team.

"I hope I didn't drag myself this far for a meeting, because if I did, I'll stab someone." I note seriously, but I'm not able to get rid of the slight impudence in my voice, because the eager cheerfulness emanating from the Scottish man inevitably transfers to me. And as I step inside and close the door behind me, and my eyes continue to wander to the glasses resting on the table, I'm starting to realize that luckily, I didn't show up in this lovely late afternoon hour for the torture I assumed would take place. And the speculation arises in me that maybe, just maybe, this small gathering was organized in my honor.

At my statement, the faces of the Hunters present also light up with amusement, and it does not escape my attention, as I examine them more closely, that, unlike usual, they have now all put on strangely average clothes. Gone is the usual little hat from Price's head, and none of my little torturers have their tactical vests on, which they normally throw on at every opportunity. And because of this, the atmosphere of the whole office gradually becomes more informal, and I am suddenly glad that my day will truly only be about accumulating pleasures.

"Maybe another time." Says Price with a reassuring smile on his face, and as he pulls out a bottle, presumably full of whiskey, from one of the bottomless drawers of his desk, my mood suddenly notably improves. "Now we're celebrating!" He announces easily, and in order to support his intention, he unscrews the cap of the pre-conjured bottle to pour the golden liquid into the glasses situated on the table with practiced movements, which elicit voices of agreement from his other little companions. This is probably one of the rare occasions when they can take a little break from their strict daily life as a Hunter, so it's no wonder that the sight of booze can bring out such heat from his buddies.

"Aye, that's right! Now that you're finally on the mend, we have to celebrate that you came back in one piece!" MacTavish gives his reasoning of the motive for the small party, still grinning, and then quickly reaches for the glass he's chosen for himself, with at least as much vehemence as if he hadn't enjoyed such delicacies in a long time. Which is probably the case, but I can't decide whether it's the alcohol or the promise of celebration that gets him so excited.

"Since we can't leave the base now, we brought the pub here!" Garrick explains, eagerly taking one of the glasses full of alcohol from the middle of the table, which looks temptingly real and presumably doesn't cause blindness. And I understand his zeal, because it's really rare when someone gets hold of anything other than shit made in the basement from pills and who knows what chemicals, and puts their greedy little hand on a drink left over from the memories of the old days. This further reinforces my intuition that today's little assembly is a significant event, because even if Price might have obtained the whiskey as a reward for one of his heroic deeds, it's still a rare delicacy that you don't just guzzle out of boredom. And because of this, for some reason, that fuzzy tingling feeling fills my stomach in a disturbing way once more, which starts to annoy me to the extreme with its completely unjustified appearances, since it weakens the success of maintaining my collected and relaxed image.

"It's very kind of you, to sacrifice your office for something like this, captain." I look up at the aforementioned person, who, accompanied by a suggestive smile, chooses a victim from among the glasses left in the middle of the table, and for a moment I realize that there's a nicely poured drink left not only for me, but also for a surprise person as well. Of course, this starts a very unpleasant sinister feeling in me as to who else they would like to invite to this charming event. And since my battery for tolerating social interactions hasn't really recovered from yesterday's stressful experiences, I'm rather reluctant to accept the idea of hanging out with someone other than the little team present.

"You've gone through an unusual ordeal. It's fitting to toast with a good whiskey." Price interrupts my increasingly suspicious observations, and he grabs one of the glasses with ease and holds it out to me, so that he can provide me with the celebratory refreshment. I accept the drink intended for me with perhaps more enthusiasm than necessary, and as its full-bodied, bitter aroma reaches my nose, I forget about my annoyance for a moment. Of course, this doesn't last long, because I become quite aware of the fact that the captain just has let me know rather mischievously that he had a very active hand in my little tour.

"That’s true. Now all I'm interested in is whose brilliant idea it was in the first place." I share my doubts with the people present, with a rather indifferent expression on my face, because I want them to believe that despite the fact that I almost kicked the bucket in that fucking forest, I'm such a badass that it won't leave a lasting mark on me. Which is true to some extent, but the new me who came to life while running for my life and beating the mutant to a pulp, and who was capable of doing anything to stay alive, won’t disappear into the shadows of the past anytime soon. And because of this, the whole situation will live vividly in my mind for a while.

My concerns hit my new drinking buddies unexpectedly, and as their eyes meet for a moment, it is already quite clear to me that, albeit to a different degree, each of them had an involvement in the organization of my outing. I plop down on one of the chairs, suppressing the barrage of insults on the tip of my tongue, because even though I'm aware that testing my loyalty was a completely logical step on their part, it still doesn't alleviate the disappointment that somehow, and rather inexplicably rears its head in me. Since it means, the rational voice was right when it whispered to me that the trust shown to me was as fragile as a fancy Chinese porcelain vase.

"Perhaps you should ask him this question." The captain points towards the entrance of his office with his head, and his face has such a suspicious expression that it doesn't make me calmer at all.

But before I could delve into the eyeballing of the Hunters', and before I could start further questioning, I'm interrupted by the opening of the door, and I, forgetting about my gloom, turn towards the person incoming. The tall figure appears on the threshold, whom it would be difficult to mistake for anyone else, and for a moment it is difficult for me to understand why he turns up to such a cheerful occasion. But then, as he enters the scene of the small private party and the door closes behind him, I realize that Riley has also decided to pay his respects at the small gathering, which could even count as an honor if I consider how much time he wanted to spend in my vicinity outside of training. But the details of yesterday afternoon's intermezzo in front of the hut reflexively pop up in me again, which sufficiently overturns the confidence I felt until now. Up to a point, I had effectively forgotten about the situation caused by my little trap, which had developed between us in the intimacy of nature's soft lap, but now, as my gaze meets the man's dark eyes, the unexpectedly discovered foreign feeling jumps in my stomach once more, and I want to disappear from here with immeasurable desire, and at the same time pick up the thread of his harassment again.

"I don't have to ask him, it's clear why he did it." I pull myself together, taking on my seriousness again, pointing my finger at the newly arrived masked man, who only glances at Price with interest at my remark. "He considered me a risk, so he decided to get rid of me."

"Simon did express his concerns." The captain agrees with me, and there is a hint of urgency in his voice, which suggests that he wants to conduct this conversation as calmly as possible. And for me, this only confirms the assumption that is slowly starting to take shape in my head regarding the antecedents. It was Riley who, after assessing my behavior towards him, decided to present his observations and his nice little idea to his captain to solve the problem. Based on the kind words he occasionally addressed to me during the moments we spent together, and in light of my behavior, I am not even surprised about this. And I already came to terms with this and the motivation I felt to refute his assumptions, while I was wandering in the forest. I'm more interested in how Price reacted to this whole mess, because it would help my soul a lot if he tried to stop his masked friend's plan from happening with at least a nasty look. Then I won't have to drink to suppress my anger.

"Don't sugarcoat it, Price." Riley interjects, who walks up to the table with comfortable steps, and grabs the last remaining glass from there with his gloved hand. And he takes his seat in the chair opposite me with such casual calmness that I have never had the pleasure of observing before. "It would have been pointless to keep someone here who doesn't want to stay." The man repeats the same reasoning he gave me before the whole impossible mission, and the matter-of-factness and indifference in his deep voice is no less cutting now. And I have to remind myself for a minute, that I'm no longer standing in front of the pile of trees towering over me, and whatever he assumed at the beginning, by sitting here, I've already proven somewhat the opposite.

"He didn't trust whether you would work together with us in the long term, but I didn't agree with him." Price continues his side of the story, and I only reward this statement with a cynical look, because I’m sure he didn't tell anyone anything new with this. Because if I knew that my long-term plans didn't necessarily want to be realized here, then they were certainly aware of that. "That's why the forest came into the picture."

"It didn't even cross your mind that I might perhaps, I don't know... die?" I ask, boldly planting the edge of my sarcasm in my voice, because this question justifiably emerges in me, which I doubt they didn't count on. They also were conscious of exactly where they would send me to see the scenery, and I don't think that they wouldn't have calculated into the adventure that I might end up as a mutant dinner. I'd rather not even ponder on what they would have done if I had taken Riley's advice and vanished into thin air as much as my opportunities would have let me. And Price still gave his thumbs up to the mission, which made me uncertain about the genuineness of his kindness towards me. And that upsets me much more than the experience itself.

"It was a dangerous idea, I admit. But I knew you'd be able to do it." Declares Price, and at this announcement, the annoyance I felt for a moment eases, because the man's beard-framed mouth stretches into a smile that takes my breath away for a moment. "I was sure you'd survive and come back." He carries on, and suddenly I can't decide how to react to his revelation. But I don't even have to worry about that, because he gets around the table with deliberate steps, and when he arrives next to me, he smoothes one of his big hands on my shoulder with gentle determination. "After all, you already belong here." The man gives his final justification as easily as if he had stated the most self-evident fact in the world, even though I understand the weight of what he is saying full well.

And as his fingers squeeze my shoulder softly for a moment, I grasp without further explanation what his message is to me. Even though he accepted Riley's deadly plan to find out about my intentions, it still caresses my calculating little self that, contrary to my suspicions, he was hoping all along I wouldn't prove the masked Hunter's hypotheses right. And I quickly swallow the suffocating emotions down my dry throat, because even though my soul is affected by the confusing mass of feelings caused by the whole situation, I would still rather fold a scarf around my neck from my own legs than get all sentimental.

"I haven't fully forgiven you for all this shit, just so you know." I state quickly, and as the reproach returns to my features again, Price, accompanied by a soft laugh, gently pats my back, and then returns to his appointed place behind the table. It’s remarkable how efficiently the Hunter can smooth over rather serious situations, and I suspect that years and routine are behind this exceptional ability. "I still have the smell of mutant intestines in my nose." I pull the corners of my mouth in disgust, because although the wild boar-like creature rearranged by my two beautiful hands did not affect me, the smell that remained in my nose after my whole scouting mission in the forest, even more so. Because it stayed there even after the sixth shower, effectively throwing me back under that fucking stack of trees.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to it in time!" MacTavish reassures me helpfully, at least as calmly as if he hadn't just exactly outlined that I will have the opportunity to see what I experienced up close plenty of times in the future. And based on his tone, this can really be a very ordinary occurrence to him, which could be similar to when someone begins each morning with a coffee and a cigarette in order to get their biorhythm working. How practical it can be to become desensitized to bloodshed.

"I don't know if I want to get used to it." I flash my eyes at the man with the mohawk, who is just casually sipping his drink instead of taking my comment to heart. Of course, I know that I have not only proven that I am reliable and a good girl, but that I am also capable of surviving in the field, which means that I won't be able to avoid these adventures from now on. So I warmly recommend them to be more useful as human shields.

"It gets easier with every mission, don't worry." Garrick explains with real sympathy in his voice, and his features are dominated by such bloody seriousness that it becomes evident, that he really is just trying to alleviate my uncertainty with his good-natured affirmations. "After a while, you don't even pay attention to the guts and the blood."

"I can't fathom how could I survive without this wonderful experience up until now." I grumble, and the cynical eyeroll I do as I take a sip of my whiskey is instinctive, and I hope that the beneficial numbness of the alcohol will moderate the irritation emerging in me. And as it travels down my throat and into my stomach, it leaves behind a far more intense and pleasant warmth than the booze bought in the colony was ever capable of. I wonder what I left all those credits for during my evenings spent hunting. What a robbery. Luckily, it wasn’t my main goal to drink myself under the table.

"By the way." Garrick interrupts my musing, and his dark eyes are filled with genuine curiosity as he leans forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "How have you managed to bypass the system so far? I heard it's impossible to cheat on the screenings." The Hunter asks his clever little question, and with this perhaps formulates one of the big mysteries that may have occupied his and his small team's brains, because after hearing his observation, all eyes are turning to me in sync. And I don't blame them for this, because their interest is legitimate, since it's truly almost impossible to get around the system. Almost. But if there's one thing I've learned in my life so far, it's that nothing man-made is foolproof.

"Only for those who don't know how to work their way around it." I note mysteriously, and a sly smile twists on my lips at the confusion on the Hunters' expression. No matter how much we may have buried the hatchet, it seems that my little inclination towards evilness won’t just disappear from me, which, knowing the origin of the little trial I experienced the other day, I do not even try to calm down.

"And how did you do it?" Riley breaks the silence, and I only cautiously raise my bright eyes to scan his features emerging from under the balaclava. The area that the black textile allows to show to the world is microscopic, but even this small surface is enough for me to be able to analyze him, since I have been pursuing this hobby for weeks. Underneath the blurred dark paint, his face is motionless, and there's unflinching attention hiding in his gaze, which inexplicably creates the urge in me to cooperate with him a bit more willingly, since he directs his focus on me without any hostile intent for the first time.

"I have a personal involvement in the subject, so I had enough inside information to be able to deceive the recruiters." I submit to the persistent examination and curious looks with a tired sigh, recalling the little operation I carried out during my school years, with which I laid the foundation for my future hide and seek. "I was lucky because I was thirteen when my abilities manifested, much earlier than what would be typical. It would've been impossible not to notice the change." I continue, and the morning flashes vividly in my mind, when I woke up drenched in sweat and disorientated, and saw my pretty little teeth and my even more beautiful eyes in the mirror for the first time."That's why I stole the credits from one of my classmates and bought some under-the-counter contact lenses and veneers. And the rest was even simpler. It wasn't the first time I had seen the test, I knew what parameters they were looking at and where the samples were stored. So, after the screening, I went to the school infirmary and exchanged my blood and urine samples with that of a random stranger. I knew the test would only show a match to the Healer DNA parameters, so I wasn't afraid of getting caught." I outline the events, and a kind of resigned calm settles in my voice, which belies the panic that overcame me at the time.

It would be impossible to erase the morning from my mind, when the recruiters sent by the government showed up to do their routine test on the young fourteen-year-olds to see if they would get lucky and find a Healer among them. We already knew weeks in advance when the big day would be, and in a morbid way to me, everyone was waiting for it with such fucking excitement, as if they were bringing one of the fabulous gifts that can be won at legal gambling to the little hole they called school. But while even I would have erupted in frenzied joy for ten thousand food stamps, or even for an ID card providing unlimited medical care, the fact that I could join and act as a battery for a bunch of strangers didn't excite me too much. And since my dedication to my own interests was already working stronger in me, I carried out my small campaign with thorough planning. I even surprised myself with how talented I was at forcing myself to stay calm, when one of the ladies in uniform ushered me into a hastily assembled booth in one of the classrooms. Although my pulse pushed my body to the brink of fainting, and the remnants of my pathetic breakfast were in my throat waiting to return to the outside world with each heartbeat.

Perhaps my biggest luck during my little plan was that the whole system was designed by a bunch of presumptuous dilettantes. Since the Healers who carried the mutation in themselves manifested spontaneously at the time of the appearance of the virus, when forty-six years ago they discovered the DNA test that would unmistakenly show the status of the Heale, they didn’t bother to conduct tests among the adult population of the time. So all I had to do was to look for a civilian who, based on their age, belonged to this pleasantly insignificant and neglected group, and so I could be sure that I was exchanging my sweet little samples for brand new and completely unknown material. And after that, getting into the school, which had no security system of any kind, and switching a few vials from among the samples left behind, was child's play. Mainly in light of the fact, that the exposure of my Extreme nature was a much more pressing fear in me than the slap on the wrist I would have received for the burglary. And my success couldn't be spoiled even by the fact that I waited sleeplessly for weeks for the enforcers to show up and drag me away.

My little speech is greeted by stunned silence for a minute, and I can almost hear the gears turning in their brains as they try to process what they heard. Although I suspect that they have already performed much wilder and riskier magic tricks than this. And compared to that, my confession can only be a cute moment in a children's story.

"Where did you get the blood and urine samples from?" Garrick breaks his quietness and frowns with a mixture of shock and disgust, as he takes a sip from his glass to digest what he heard, and I only note his dismay with an amused snort. Which I only find funny because it's quite comical to hear this indignity coming from someone whose job description includes wading knee-deep in mutant remains.

"I bought them from a hobo. You'd be surprised what a person can do for a food stamp." I remark while curling a suspicious smile at the corner of my mouth, cleverly holding back on the fact that I also stole the mentioned food stamps from an unfortunate fellow student. They seem to guess the origin of the goods used in the business, because Price just holds his glass to his mouth with a frown, his expression also telling me that, in addition to my many little naughty deeds, the fact that I am a thief does not even reach his threshold of irritation. And this is truly a lesser crime than the fact that my little hands were already involved in uglier things. And it's a greater shame that there is such harmony in the colonies that anyone would sell even their own mother if they could get more food, drugs or real alcohol, or even extra privileges. Of course, I can't complain, since it is precisely this miserable imperfection that has benefited me so far.

"How did you know so much about the test?" The captain asks the question that seems more important, and he fishes out a cigar from the drawer of his desk with easy movements, so that when he starts puffing merrily, he can turn back his undivided attention to me again. His blue eyes scan my face curiously, which leads me to conclude that the files probably only contained reliable data about my adulthood. No wonder, because from Laswell's point of view, only my current state and my crimes as an adult mattered.

"As I said, I have personal involvement in the subject." I confirm my previously mentioned little statement, and even though not a single cell of my heart wants to recall the haunting images trapped in the past, for some reason I have the irrational feeling that if I was lured into such an intimate party, I shouldn't keep silent about these long-forgotten trivia. "My mother was a Healer and my father was a researcher who worked with Hunters and Healers. I've been exposed to information since I can remember. Together they tried to experiment with a medicine that could replace the power of the Healers. That's why they dealt with the topic quite in-depth." I elaborate, and forcefully keep the coldness of objectivity in my voice, because I don't feel the slightest need to start lamenting on the past now. "But since it wouldn't be profitable for the government if the leash of the Hunters were out of their hands, they didn't finance the research sufficiently. Unfortunately, breakthroughs still cannot be achieved without resources." I point out the obvious easily, and they only reward my suggestion with a rather gloomy look, and from this, I know that it's not the first time that this idea crossed their minds either.

Therefore, I don't have to explain my hints any further for them to know what I mean, because they can experience first-hand how badly the system ties their hands. It's also quite unpleasant that they become the property of the colonies and their governments from the first moment they crawled out of their mothers, since as Hunters they are not even lucky enough to live a somewhat normal childhood, because everyone knows what the future profession of babies with glowing red eyes will be. But perhaps it’s really sad that they will never really have the opportunity to break away from the authorities, because the government provides them with what they wouldn’t be able to keep their sanity without. As long as the screening, registration, and employment of the Healers are in the hands of the governments, they are the only ones who can order their little helpers alongside the Hunters. And if a Hunter were to get a drug that would eliminate this parasitic relationship, then what would stop the little heroes from biting the hand that feeds them but also holds their leash? There is nothing more dangerous than giving the possibility of free self-determination into the hands of a person who can tear out someone's esophagus with their bare hands and fold it into a bow.

"What happened to them?" MacTavish suddenly speaks with a serious expression on his face that rarely appears, and which suggests that he might already know the answer, but he trusts that I would refute it. Although this question is not in the least unexpected, it strays into much more uncomfortable territory, and even I don't know whether it’s only because of my stubborn hatred or the pain living in the hidden corners of my head that I am affected by his unsuspecting interest so sensitively. And I hate the way a tiny little muscle twitches on my face, something that might not be noticed by anyone else, but their eyes are much more attentive than that, and as soon as Garrick's dark eyebrows run together and he draws a worried frown on his forehead, I curse the fucking hole in my skull where these memories are lurking.

"My mother died because the Hunter she regenerated didn't let her finish the fun in time." I answer after a moment of suffocating hesitation, and I don't like the surprised pity that appears on the Scottish man's face after my confession. "And my father, unable to bear the disappearance of the love of his life, stole a car and drove to the red zone himself." I share the fun relics of my childhood with them, and I direct my eyes to the golden whiskey in my glass instead, trying not to let the pain in my voice take even a single molecule of space, because the ache begins to pulsate dully in my chest again at the mention of the past. "The car was found a week later, and considering the circumstances, it was probably attacked by a mutant, which he obviously did not survive."

And as soon as this last cute little fluff leaves my mouth, I can experience how deeply my melodrama made an impression on them. My eyes carefully rise from my glass again, and as I quickly look around the room, I wish I had remained silent. Because I dislike the way my stomach clenches unpleasantly from what I read on their faces. The way Price's features are somber as he leans forward on the table clutching his cigar, or the way the disbelief in Garrick's gaze meets MacTavish's eyes glittering with shock as he turns to face him, or as Riley's body goes still for a blink of an eye, releases emotions in me that I don't want to feel it in the slightest.

I'd be lying if I said all this ridiculous family drama didn't entertain me with creative nightmares for years, but time has, if not erased, transformed the pain into far more effective tools. Because this bitter chain of events pointed to important facts. After my mother's death and the circumstances surrounding it removed the veil of naivety from my eyes, a very legitimate and strong determination arose in me to not end up in the same way as her. And the fact that my father didn't even see my existence as sufficient motivation to not want to be turned into confetti by monsters, showed me that the only person in this cruel world I would ever be important enough to was me. These were the first teachings that I managed to acquire through the lessons of life, and perhaps I am grateful for this priceless knowledge, since they made me who I am. And it may be true that there are many more negatives in my little soul than good, but they undoubtedly guided me toward my goals and survival with great effectiveness. That's why it makes me angry that even though I don't need anyone's pity, the idea that, thanks to my little tear-jerking story, they might see the reason behind my actions so far evokes that idiotic gentle tenderness in me. Not that this changes the fact that the crimes I have committed are still reprehensible.

"Well, let's not dwell on my sob story anymore, because everyone has a similar tale. That's just how it goes around here, isn't it?" I start rambling again, because I don't want to tolerate this melancholy anymore when I'm here to finally relax. I pour the contents of my glass down my throat with a few brave sips, hoping that the effects of the alcohol will finally catch up and erase the images buried in the past flashing in my head. "Let's talk about how this team was formed instead. As far as I know, it's quite rare for a European colony to let trained Hunters transfer to an American one."

Changing the subject provokes a rather sharp reaction from the small team, and this immediately raises the question in me as to what kind of territory I am straying into with my little quizzing. And as soon as I see the angry expression that crosses Price's face, I understand that my assumption is not far from reality. Whatever had happened to bring their fates so closely intertwined had made quite a deep impression on all of them.

"Luckily we had help." Price takes his cigar between his lips, voicing his little explanation with a dubiously easy tone, and I find it interesting that he wants to put on a mysterious act right now, when it's his turn to tell the dirty and painful little secrets.

"Laswell?" I mention the woman's name, but even without it, I know that the boss of the base is the one who can get involved in such deals with impunity. Laswell is like a phantom, sometimes she appears, sometimes she disappears, but after each time she shows up, she brings information with a shady origin and leaves behind a myriad of tasks. Undoubtedly, the woman works efficiently, but it’s difficult for me to understand how exactly she manages to get such goods, whether it’s information, weapons, blood, or my procurement. And because of this, the seemingly harmless lady immediately gets a much more dangerous classification in my mind.

"Kate went through hell with us, so there was no need to convince her to help." The bearded man shares this little crumb with me, still shrouding the real answer to my previous question in cryptic darkness. And although I can conclude from the sudden heavy atmosphere in the room that perhaps I am truly trying to poke a wound that still hasn't healed yet, the desire for knowledge in me doesn't let me back down.

"Don't leave me hanging, I've pulled out the skeletons, now it’s your turn." I continue to insist, conjuring a rather unsightly expression on my face, trusting that the mention of my miserable childhood is convenient enough to expect the same honesty from them. Secretly, of course, I hope that I will gain some additional useful insight, because even though I don't want to run away with passion anymore, uncertainty and the lack of knowledge are still not among my favorite states.

"It won't be a happy story." Warns Price, and his mouth stretches into a bitter smile that is completely foreign to him. And I start to wonder how traumatic the experience must have been, which led them to this point, if even the always calm, determined, and above all, self-confident Hunter's face twists into such a broken expression. And I almost feel guilty, as curiosity settles in my brain like an itch that won't stop. Almost.

"Very few have that, Captain." I remind the man, because although everyone can pretend that life in the colonies is full of sunshine and rainbows, since no one is in direct danger of monsters, this little thing does not negate the fact that everyone lives there struggling with some kind of misery. They are either starving, or sick, or all forms of their freedom are restricted for the protection and greater good of the colony.

Finally, Price leans back in his chair accompanied by a humorless sigh, and before he would start his little evening tale, he sends a respectable amount of whiskey down his throat, and I follow the movement with tense attention. I can only observe from my periphery how the other three Hunters keep their eyes on their leader, shrouded in silence, and an unusual troubled aura appears even on Riley's part, which soon begins to emanate from all of them.

"I was serving in Colony no. 9 when I met the boys 8 years ago. We were all members of a government liquidation unit, in separate teams, but under one management." Price starts the origin story, and his voice is once again filled with resolve. The name of the colony doesn't ring a single bell, and that makes me all the more confused, because if such a big fuckery happened, which shakes these battle-hardened men out of their composure, then it surely would have been all over the news. "We served in Great Britain's largest colony, and at the time I thought it was an honor. I think we all did." For a moment, he looks around at his companions, who only agree with the captain's statement with a small, but still grim nod.

"I've wanted to serve there since I was a kid, you can imagine how fired up I was when I got in right after basic training! I met the captain on my first mission. He saved me before a mutant could kill me." Garrick suddenly interrupts the thread of Price's tale, and I'm surprised by the sincere admiration with which he directs his gaze to the bearded Hunter. And suddenly, the image of the barely out from Hunter School, snotty eighteen-year-old flashes into my mind, who throws himself into the excitement of the unit with sparkling eyes, ready for action, and runs towards danger, as the reckless fools in that age usually do. The vision brings a faint smile to my face because I find the mental picture of the barely-out-of-puberty Garrick honestly sweet.

"Don't exaggerate, Gaz. You could've handled it on your own." Price glances at the mentioned, with a cheeky, but appreciative smile on his face, and that gives him the vibe of paternal love once again, with which he often turns to the younger man. The dynamic between the two is truly heartwarming and sickeningly sweet, but even my dark soul softens at their interactions. "Ghost and Soap joined the unit a bit later, but I was lucky enough to see what they're capable of even before that." He points to the two Hunters with his glass, thus confirming my earlier hypothesis that they've indeed known each other longer than I originally would have thought.

"Good old days." MacTavish comments with unusual brevity, and as his bright eyes shift to his glass, I get the feeling for the umpteenth time that they were involved in some sizeable shit back then, which even to this day can conjure up such an upset expression on the face of one of their most carefree members.

"The life of the unit wasn’t very eventful, as far as it was possible. But then Makarov came..." Price proceeds with the story, and at the mention of the unknown name, the unmistakable wrinkles of hatred and anger appear on the faces of each Hunter, almost at the same time, and I just study their reaction in bewilderment. But despite my surprise, I realize that we have arrived at the catalyst of the entire chain of events.

"Makarov?" I repeat the rather Russian-sounding name, and it does not escape my attention how instinctively the captain's jaw tightens after I bring up the foreign villain again. But I don't need to know who this faceless stranger is to recognize that he must be a serious asshole if he managed to sneak so deeply into the minds of every member of Unit 141.

"Leader of a Russian separatist group. At the time, he was famous for getting his hand on any weapon that his customers could pay for." Explains the Hunter, gathering strength to continue with another sip. And in me, just the phrase of the separatist group triggers a plethora of assumptions, which help to define who this anonymous criminal might be. Although these small illegally operating congregations, completely separate from the colonies, have been making life difficult for everyone for years alongside the mutant threat, this is the first time I've heard of someone who dealt with such dangerous businesses. However, this is mostly the fault of the news providers, since they only report information that doesn't cause undue panic among the already agitated population. "This is exactly what made Colony no. 9 a target. At that time, they were developing a powerful ballistic missile that would've been able to destroy nests with great precision, without causing the slightest collateral damage. It would've been a simple, clean method."

"Oh, missiles. They were really in high demand once. It's a shame these bastards are smarter now." I muse, and the set of data I viewed during the years spent in the lab flashes before my eyes, where these mischievous little rockets appeared quite often. And they never brought lasting success, or mostly nothing.

When the virus appeared, what hit humanity the most unexpectedly was the fact that suddenly thousands of mindless and bloodthirsty mutant monsters swarmed into all and any inhabited areas they could get into. The phenomenon was unexplainable, but it reached all corners of the world within a few days, and the leaders of the most powerful countries at the time had no chance to react to the threat in time. And dropping one nuclear bomb was enough for them to know, that while the explosion kills the fucking beasts, the radiation doesn't stop them and only reduces the precious resources for humans instead. The short latency of the virus and the fact that the mutation happened in a matter of hours was hazardous enough, but there was no way to wipe them out without massive collateral damage. Fortunately, the Hunters appeared, who were immune to the bite, and with their newfound superpowers, they were so effective at tearing the monsters apart that came into their path that, together with the military, they were able to push them out of the areas where the colonies are located today. Then, a good ten years after the breakout, several specimens gathered into hordes once again, made nests, and carried on with their idyllic little lives. Governments were quite disturbed by the fact that their previous purely aggressive behavior had been replaced by somewhat organized habits, but when these creatures, distorted beyond recognition, began to breed with each other, it created a whole new set of concerns. After all, in this way, they not only infected their other animal companions through their bites, but also gave birth to new offsprings, which were already stronger than their parents. This is how the lovely little missiles came into the picture, which at first successfully exterminated the nests, but then after a while these fuckers started predicting the arrival of the rockets somehow, presumably with the help of their super-sensitive hearing. By the time the package hit its target, they had already escaped. Over the years, they experimented with various missiles, but sooner or later the stunt always failed. And making these toys was a very expensive pastime with limited resources, so most colonies gave up on fabricating them altogether.

"Well, it was an interesting enough development for Makarov to notice." Price notes, running his hand along his beard with a nervous sigh. "And when he arrived, he brought such chaos with him that no one was prepared for." He brings up the climax of the tale, and just at the mention of it, the miserable expression takes over his features that I've never seen on the man before, and this sufficiently sobers me up as well. "He lured the I.M.L.s out with sound alarms, from a nest we didn't even know about. He led them all the way to the colony, where he blasted a hole in the wall and let those bastards do their thing. And they did." The Hunter's voice fills with that helpless rage that no doubt reflects what he must have felt when all hell broke loose. And everything I wanted to say stuck in my throat, because when I remember how efficiently that damned whistling, diabolical structure directed that mutant piggy towards me in the forest, angry and ready to rampage, then it’s not difficult to imagine in what condition that nest of mutants could have broken into the colony.

"Everyone was ordered out to the city, but we didn't stand a chance. I've never seen so many I.M.L.s in one place. It was like the first breakout." MacTavish joins in, and the cavalcade of emotions caused by the recalled memories sweeps over his face with noticeable grimness. "They were everywhere in 10 minutes. They killed everything in their path."

And the Scottish man doesn't need to go into detail for me to realize what horrors he must have seen there. Even history books only talked about the massacres that took place when the virus appeared in a censored form, and the fate of Colony no. 9 could've been very similar to this. And the image inevitably appears in my head, as hundreds of enraged beasts flood the streets of the peaceful city, tearing apart, killing, and devouring everything and everyone in their way. Women, men, old and young, these creatures don't differentiate between two delicious morsels, they degrade anyone into an unrecognizable bloody mess without discrimination. And this picture is so vivid in my mind that I am finally overcome by the mournful mood that has been present in the Hunters since the beginning of the story.

"Then, when the authorities saw how hopeless the situation was, we were instructed to leave the colony together with the important officials." Price goes on, and his statement deepens my shock, because even though I'm a mean bastard, even I'm not so terribly heartless. Even if the decision itself was an inhuman but logical step. "There was no room for opposition, we received an order, and our hands were tied." The Hunter recalls, and my eyes instinctively find his fingers clenching around his glass. "So, all the Hunters and soldiers left everything behind and evacuated."

"Then one of the fuckin' missiles was detonated." MacTavish snaps, and his anger deepens his accent further, which makes his entire exasperated outburst even more harshly emphasized. The resentment that rages in him even now is justified, and I don't blame him for the hatred reviving in his eyes. "The entire colony was destroyed." He adds, but the outcome was quite obvious from the moment he mentioned that damn rocket. And this confession puts the graveness of the tale in a completely different light, and it suddenly becomes painfully clear to me what kind of trauma happened to them, which later forged the small team together.

"We were pulled out because it was more important to protect the lives of the bloody government members." Garrick spits with pure loathing, and his face twists with the mixture of hatred and anger, and this is the first time I see the Hunter filled with such fury. "But no one cared about the many innocents who were killed by the I.M.L.s or the missile." He says, looking at his glass, and suddenly I understand what he meant during our little recharge session that took place in the gym, when he said that he knows what it's like to let shit happen. And I don't like the pain that rips through my chest when I see the man's hopeless rage. According to this, I wasn’t wrong when I assumed that there were bitter experiences behind his good intentions. And now, for the first time, it bothers me that I was right.

"The authorities were glad that Makarov didn’t succeeded, because that would've meant a much greater danger later on." The captain continues to unfold the events, and to vent his frustration, he raises his cigar to his mouth again, hoping that the tobacco will calm his nerves, I suspect. "I met Kate in the temporary refugee camp. I had known her before, but back then she was also among those who miraculously escaped. We agreed that our hands are tied under government leadership, and this needs to change. I didn't care if I had to get my hands dirty if I could keep the innocents clean. So Kate offered me to join her, and she helped me set up a private unit. She entrusted me to recruit who I see fit."

"It wasn't even a question we'd join after what happened." Garrick agrees, giving his comrades a meaningful look, who nod in agreement at his testimony. And I do not doubt that this experience brought them closer. Thus, it makes sense why this unit embarks on adventures that are far more dangerous than necessary, and for the first time, I don't even have a sarcastic remark about their heroism. Because I understand that they are fueled by the motivation to overcome the helplessness they had to deal with, and I can empathize with this sentimentality. In light of this, Riley's hostile behavior also becomes quite rational, because, in the eyes of someone who was driven by this trauma to protect the colony unconditionally, my callous and selfish indulgence may have been an even bloodier crime than I had previously suspected. And I'm not happy about the way this feeling gives room to an incipient sense of guilt in the hidden corners of my soul.

"What happened to Makarov?" I voice the obvious question instead, thereby beneficially suppressing the useless negative emotions that arose in me, since the mention of the unfamiliar villain promises to be a much more pleasant topic.

"That bastard hasn't been found since." Riley joins the conversation for the first time since his arrival, and the murderous temper in his eyes warns even me to be careful, even though his anger is not directed at me now. "But if he survived, we'll find him sooner or later." The man promises ominously, probably expressing the thoughts of the others as well. Because, as I take a look at the Hunters, one by one, a rock-solid determination similar to that of the masked man sits on their faces.

"It wasn't a happy story, indeed." I finally break their gloom, attempting to turn the meeting, which started out lighthearted, back to its original direction after the rather interesting trip down memory lane. Recalling so many bad experiences for one evening is more than enough, because statistically, the trauma per person in this neon-lit office is now well beyond the limits of the healthy range.

"You were right that everyone has a similar sad story." Price refers to my apt remark I made earlier, thereby confirming the fact that in this filthy cesspool that the world has become, no one gets even close to a happy ending. "That's exactly why we need all the help. So that nothing like this can happen again, if it's up to us." He nods his head towards me, and I don't have to mobilize a single molecule of my intellect to know what a significant hint the captain is giving me.

He doesn't need to spell out that I am also included in this "all help" group, because by now it has become quite obvious what kind of thrills I am invited to by being accepted as a member of the team. And now my first instinctive thought is not about escaping from the task in creative ways, but instead, I just conjure a sassy grin on my face, fueled by my newly found inspiration.

"Luckily you managed to get your hand on a real first-class Extreme Healer." I emphasize the useful presence of my humble person as I place my glass on the table and encourage Price to refill it.

"We can thank Kate for that too." The man pulls a brazen little smile on his face, that draws small lines around his eyes, and cooperates with my silent request for booze without any resistance. He fills my glass, and then the whiskey bottle goes around again to give those present the divine liquid. But before I can enjoy the pleasant tingle of alcohol again, MacTavish jumps up with renewed enthusiasm and holds his glass high, drawing everyone's attention to himself.

"Let's drink to Laswell!" The Hunter suggests cheerfully, and then he turns his gaze to me in a tenth of a second, in which the well-known mischievous light flashes, establishing my displeasure in advance. "And to Woods, the sly viper!" He shouts with complete approval to his statement, and although my eyebrows shoot up with indignation upon hearing his nickname, I am still unable to keep my contempt for long. After all, considering how I usually attack suddenly and ambush my victims, he managed to come up with a rather fitting name.

We all stand up almost in sync to comply with MacTavish's initiative, and as our glasses clink together, my scan the Hunters, finally, for the first time in my life, I feel that maybe it really won't be so horrible to work my guts out as part of a unit. Because even if not all members are overjoyed at my presence, I am sure that they are more happy that I am here than I can imagine. And this only strengthens my determination to fight tooth and nail to stay here.

[psalm22-6]

An interesting letter from Paul Meurice and the rabbit holes it led me down

If you're bored and want something fun/french to read, consider reading the correspondence of Victor Hugo and Paul Meurice. You will find lots of interesting tidbits and really quite touching phrases. Here's a look at just one letter that caught my eye (the above portraits become semi-relevant later). So the letter is undated but contextually, it's from early June 1862. Hugo, in Guernsey, was in close communication with Meurice, in Paris, over the final corrections for Les Miserables and the publication of its last volume. Meurice writes:

Javert Derailed, The Death of Gavroche, The Grandfather, The Passion in the Sewer, the whole drama, the whole volume, the whole poem is splendid. My word! I must straightforwardly decline to express my enthusiasm to you. I would need to have your prodigious execution and your incredible form in order to explain the depths of my feelings. My emotions and my admiration are inexpressable. I can’t understand Barbey d’Aurevilly.* I’ll tell you simply: it is sublime! I cried! You are greater than anyone, greater than yourself!

*The phrase is "Je jette ma langue aux Barbets d Aurevilly." This gave me some trouble to translate. I figured that he is using the expression jeter sa langue au chien (which I gather means something like "I can't guess at",) but replacing chien with barbet, a type of dog that sounds like Barbey, and also possibly making some sort of pun about d'Aurevilly's distinctive barbe (aka beard)? I really thought he might be making a pun about Barbey's 'barbs' (as in cruel remarks, since his reviews were very negative) but it doesn't seem like 'barb' has that meaning at all in French.] Now bear in mind that in this next part, by "volume ten" he means the latter half of Jean Valjean, and by "these last four volumes," he means what we would call the last two, L'idylle rue Plumet, et l'epopee rue Saint-Denis and Jean Valjean

I have only read the first page of volume ten. We are very behind on the assembly, printing, and everything. Yet we will do everything so that it appears on the 30th.

And it was published the 30th! I don't remember rn what was causing the delays but it is surely mentioned in Bellos's book or in Leulliot's.

The effect and the success of these last four volumes will be immense. More irresistible and more unanimous than that of the other parts. Too irresistible and too unanimous from a certain point of view. It offends many people; some critics are cold, though they were well dispositioned before the book’s appearance. Don’t read into it, don’t hear things in these particular silences and particular reluctances: it can be felt, seen, and touched.

Fun to speculate about if Meurice was concerned about a particular person's silence (in which case, whose?) or if it was just in general. Hugo had expressed his frustration over the reception to both Vacquerie and even Jules Janin. I'd have to look over their correspondence again to see what Hugo said in particular to Meurice but he was surely aware of how Hugo felt. OKAY now on to the subject of the portraits, Meurice tacks on this aside at the end of the letter:

I am writing this to you in haste, having let myself run late. Do you remember a portrait of you, full-length, but young, made some time ago by Deveria? The painting is excellent but why! I never knew you like this…This portrait would have belonged to a M. le marquis de Valori! If it is truly your portrait, it’s very strange. You should remember it then. You are seated on a red damas couch. White pants, a small redingote. You are blond, thin, elegant. The person who has it wishes to sell it. She’s asking for 250 francs. Would it amuse you to have it? They’ll want your response at the end of the week.

Of course when I read this I want to know what image he is talking about. I first thought of the image on the left (scroll back up)...the image on the left is a black and white photo of what is presumed to be a portrait of Victor Hugo at age 16 (I say presumed because that is literally how it is described on Wikipedia) (sometimes it is just described as Hugo as an adolescent) by Achille Devéria (although apparently it has been disputed which Devéria painted it?). The original was, supposedly, at some time in the collection of Prime Minister of France Louis Barthou. Where is it now? Perhaps it is in the private collection of Ms Taylor. Can we get a color photo of it? No. Swift. So my mind went to this image because the subject is young, blond, possibly Victor Hugo, and possibly created by Devéria. However, it doesn't fit the rest of the description. Then @pilferingapples kindly made me aware of the portrait on the right. From what I have found online, this one is attribution to Paul Gavarni, although the websites making that attribution are pretty sketch. The portrait was supposedly at one time in the possession of M. le D. F. Jousseaume, a bookstore owner. Where is it now? Also unknown. (The provenance of both of these is kind of sketchy tbh. I checked three books about Hugo that I have which include images (Victor Hugo: A Tumultous Life by Samuel Edwards, Victor Hugo: A Biography by Graham Robb, and Victor Hugo: S'il n'en reste qu'un by Sophie Grossiord, a curator at the Maison Victor Hugo) and none of them include either of these images.) Whatever the case, the image on the right fits the description in almost every way: it is full length (en pied), the subject is young, thin, there's the red seat, white pants, wearing a coat, and he's "blond" by french standards apparently (and consider that this photo may be a bad representation of the portrait). I haven't seen that image attributed to Deveria but it's possible (or possible that Meurice would believe it's possible.) Then there's the question of provenance. Why did M. le marquis de Valori have it and who was the woman selling it? My guess is that the man in question was Henri-Zozime de Valori, a writer who knew Nodier and who died in 1859. He had published a collection called Odes choisies: précédées d'un discours sur la poésie et les poetes lyriques anciens et modernes which was reviewed (by "S.") in Le Conservateur littéraire so he may have been aquianted with Hugo some way?

Anyways, evidently, Hugo didn't want the portrait because he never responded to that part of Meurice's letter and it eventually came into the hands of the bookseller D. F. Jousseaume. And where is it now? No idea! Okay, the end.

[tvlandofficial]

🖤 I always knew that my creator didn't know everything. And I knew that I didn't know everything, either, but… I thought I knew more than he did, at least. That's been my purpose all along, haha. If I can't know everything… at least I know everything that's important for me to know. Right?

🖤 But… it's just become more clear to me lately how little I actually know. About myself, or my own abilities, or… or about the way the world works. Haha.

🖤…

🖤 Hey. If I'm right about how your role functions, you're here, listening, aren't you? Narrator?

🖤 Or should I call you Chara?

[ Ralsei stands in the middle of the hall, looking up at the torn painting. Desperate clawmarks cover its face. ]

[ It’s seen better days. ]

[ … ]

[ “Chara” is acceptable. ]

🖤 Haha, sorry. I'm not able to hear you, so I don't know what your answer will be. Sorry. But… I'll be sure to read whatever gets posted, later on, and that'll have your narration in the text. It'll be a little bit like we're having a conversation backwards and forwards through time!

[ I suppose it will be. You are very good at using the mediums we are provided with to your advantage. ]

🖤 If you're here, that is. I can't tell that either. You haven't narrated many of the posts for Tenna lately, so… well, I just have to hope you are here. It would be a bit embarrassing to say all this, knowing the PLAYERs are listening, and not gain anything from it.

🖤 Anyway, could you tell me how your role works? Do you know innately when you're needed? Are you the one in charge of what gets posted? Or… is that up to fate? What are the rules?

🖤 Because I've been thinking. If there's anybody who knows a lot about the inner mechanics of our world's interactions with the PLAYERs, at least through this Internet medium, it has to be you. I don't know how you ended up where you are, or what it's like to be there… but you're clearly sapient, and you have been for a while. That means that you're probably pretty aware of the world you narrate.

[ I would say it is up to fate. ]

[ Think of it like this – I was created for a certain “role”, just as you and TENNA are. I am not a Darkner, mind. I lived in the Light World once, and had the same power the Lightners of your world would. I have more “free will” than that of an object. ]

[ I resemble someone from the world this one was shaped in the image of, as well. That, I imagine, grants me some degree of “specialness”. I would call it some power of perverted sentimentality. ]

[ But I was, still, created to fill a role I can no longer fill. And so, when I ceased to fill that role, this world deigned to assign me a new one. ]

[ One that, like the one before it, mirrored the “me” I had never met. ]

[ And so, here I am. My fate guides me along the path it sees fit for me to have. My role mirrors the one my predecessor had before me. ]

[ Those are the “rules”, in my limited understanding of them. ]

🖤 And, um. Like me, you probably don't have too much control over your actions, do you? That's alright. As long as I know what you can do, I can use that knowledge.

[ I can narrate the goings-on of this world, on my own whims, more or less. Occasionally, through the medium of this narration, I can also communicate with the PLAYERs. ]

[ However, I cannot directly influence events. I can merely describe them. It is not a terribly exciting purpose. ]

[ … do those also count as “rules”? ]

🖤 …And, um, something else. I don't know if you knew this, but in the world our reality was based on, there was someone like you. Chara. They died, but… you know, they ended up exactly as you did. They narrated the story to the PLAYERs. I don't know too much about that world… but I know that, at least, haha.

[ Such is the aforementioned “specialness”. ]

[ … It is a little tricky to have a conversation where one end cannot hear from the other, isn’t it? ]

🖤 So, if, um, what's happened to you is the same as what happened to the person you're based on… that's fate, right? It has to be. The story that's told echoes another story. It doesn't matter how incompetently any world is created, or who is behind its creation. Even in other versions of DELTARUNE, the world follows a similar path…

[ I would call it fate. ]

🖤 Umm, I'm rambling. It's not important for you to hear, sorry. You probably couldn't come up with an answer for me even if you wanted to. Besides… I think I'm already beginning to understand.

🖤 …Thank you, for looking after Tenna so much. You defended her even though you didn't have to. You're a kind person. It's, um, nice knowing that I'm not the only person who can help her.

[ You are welcome. ]

[ She is remarkably tenacious for someone in a world this cruel. As are you, Ralsei. ]

🖤 Whatever you have to say, or even if it's nothing at all… I'll always be grateful, haha. Umm. Thanks for talking to me? Or not, if you didn't? I don't know… so, um, I'll just end off by saying that I'll pay close attention even if you don't respond at all! And maybe I'll talk to you again later, if that's something you'd like.

[ Maybe. Ironically, talking has never been my strong suit. ]

[ I’d much rather leave this story to you and TENNA. It’s the least I can give you. ]

[auberylis]

MyArtGallery update 20230517: PAGES

Hey all, especially artists who seek to display their art online without having to adhere to some hedious, terrible fuckhead companies governing what you can and cannot display and when your art suddenly gets deleted! I have great news on my instant art gallery package for neocities.org and its update that i pushed today. You can already see it in action - i rolled the update out on my kandi museum.

Pages are in! Some people found that when the index page has 100 artworks on display, and each of them is like, a 2000 by 3000 png24, the page loads slowly. Unexpectable! Well, aside from the general recommendation to keep hi res originals to yourself and use png8 or web-jpeg compression to spare your AND others' bandwidth, i decided to implement something to counter that on the package level, too. So now, you can select between two pagination methods!

The first one, "pages", works similarily to tumblr blog view with pagination enabled. You can select how many rows of artworks per page you want, and the thing will automatically do the rest for you. This ensures that visitors get only this many images loaded up at once, and not the entirety of your portfolio ever. This mode supports URL parameter action, as in, if you go to page 3 and send the link from up-top to a friend, they will land on page 3 also.

The other one, "append", mimics twitter with its load-on-scroll behaviour. As the user scrolls to the bottom, more artworks are loaded, until there's none left. This feels more "fluid" than pages, but has downsides. It is RAM-hungrier, cause uses a scroll detector which runs all the time. Also, it lacks the URL parameter location, so basically while you can copy a link to a page in "pages" mode, you cannot copy a link to a certain place in the pillar of appended artworks in "append" mode.

You're free to select between either, or "none" for no pagination at all. The pagination methods are separate for the main view (index.html, all artworks) and group view (group.html, when you click on a group button on index, only a certain group of artworks). This means you can have pages on the index, but load everything at once for groups... given the groups are small enough.

Other stuff also got improved - rolling out updates and customizing the page's style became easier. There is now a dedicated file where you can write your own CSS style overrides in and not have it crushed by an update, how cool is that! Also, i did minor fix-ups and added some info to the readme manual.

You can get the thing for free and read the manual over at my github (green "code" button -> "download zip"). You can also get it and touch the raw unaltered default deployment here, and as mentioned before, a tuned-up version runs my kandi museum.

I am always seeking feedback and user reviews, so if you're an artist who seeks getting your art away from the corporate hellscape of social networks and have it be displayed for more than 3 seconds, you can get just the right tool to do that for free AND directly help make it better. Let's make the web ours!

[fountainpenguin]

Can you share some of what your planning process for long fics is like? What kind of outlines do you do or what prep do you do to get in the zone?

Thanks for the ask! [Tagging #ridspoilers for minor plot outline, birthday, and alien planet calendar spoilers for Origin of the Pixies, Frayed Knots, and Factor It In]

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I write on Google Docs; it might not be for everyone but it's what I've found to work well for me after a lifetime of writing (Ex: When I was a kid, I used WordPerfect and Dropbox and it would take hours to sync my documents before a long road trip... I travel between two locations a lot, so these days I just pop open the Google Docs app on my phone or use the Edit Offline extension on my laptop and it's always up to date, which works great for me!)

I also like Google Docs because I can link between documents and have lots of open tabs [along the top of the browser] in "one tab" [along the bottom bar], which isn't something I was able to do as a kid or with Microsoft Word, and it just helps me feel clean.

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Masterlist Doc [1 per fandom]

I keep all my Fairly OddParents 'fics in a doc titled FOP 'Fic Masterlist. I have my most important resources at the top and they're all broken down with clear labels and doc links.

This way, even if I haven't accessed a doc in a while [meaning it doesn't come up when I type its name in the URL search bar], I always know where I can find it. Also, thanks to my edit offline extension, all I need is this one link and I know I'll be able to open any doc I need.

I have a lot of 'fics, so this doc is several pages. If you've ever read my FFN or AO3 bios and saw that note about how I keep a queued Tumblr post containing links to my unfinished 'fics in case I unexpectedly die, that queued post links to this doc!

You'll also notice that I have distinct scrap docs for Origin, Knots, and the 130 Prompts. I change or cut a lot of stuff and it's nice to keep the old WIPs in case I ever want to look back on them (each of those docs is 25k words just of scraps). Sometimes those scenes get recycled, but usually they just sit there. It's a lot easier to cut things from a story when you have a place to put them and you're not deleting them forever.

[Cnt'd under the cut]

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Table of Contents Doc [1 per long 'fic]

All my long 'fics have a table of contents doc, which I highly recommend for anyone doing a large multi-chapter project. I always slap the cover image, a height chart, or a character reference on top to make it pretty, then the doc will contain some notes I might need. For example, Origin's doc has two height charts:

and this-

Makes it easy to know where to find things. Also, you don't have to draw your own height charts, but I recommend keeping a list of heights on hand. Even if you don't tell the reader someone's exact measurements, it's always nice to get a feel for how characters compare to others and whether they should be looking up or down.

Come What May's doc has this screenshot comparison on it, which I put together by measuring different characters who appear next to each other as carefully as I could, and it works too:

Obviously Kevin and Molly never appear in the same episode, but since they're about to become step-siblings in Come What May, it was important to me that I knew how tall they were, so I measured Molly against Timmy and then Timmy against Kevin. Same for Mrs. Crocker, who I measured against Timmy to get a feel for how tall Kevin is compared to his grandma.

I know it's a fanfic so it doesn't really matter, but you have to do self-indulgent things sometimes :)

Frayed Knots also has Sunnie's character reference [i.e. Anti-Cosmo's patron nature spirit, the water dude], which I just want to show off because this is still really good art for something I drew in 2017:

Other things I keep in my table of contents docs are lists of episodes where certain characters appear, random notes that I need to keep track of (like any canonized character addresses or allergies), and chapter title ideas. I also keep track of the starlight levels [i.e. which season it's bright outside vs. dark], school year reminders, and Anti-Fairy migration season.

I keep my Vatajasa name chart in Knots too:

Factor It In's table doc contains a list of villains who appear in the 'fic (Red for ones who don't appear, green for those who do). It also links to the Wiki page for the Evil Villains Association so I can remember which villains are and aren't in it. It also has my timeline details:

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Timeline Notes

Factor It In is set in 1998, and my table doc has all the notes I used to narrow down to that date (ex: I originally planned to set it in 1987 because I felt that the late 80s fit the technology level we see in the show before I re-watched the episode "There's No V In Team," which specifically refers to the year 1987 as having happened in the past).

One of the reasons I liked using 1987 originally was because Factor It In is a story about Kid Math training under WordGirl, and it takes place shortly after the Kid Math episode, which aired in 2014. Factor It In opens in early January, so I like the Easter egg that the 2015 calendar would be the same even if we took its airdate literally. 1998 was the only year in the 90s that also matched the calendar, so that's what I ended up with.

I like keeping my timeline notes around so if I take a hiatus, I can always come back and remind myself why I picked stuff. Also it's way easier to expand your worldbuilding if you kept your notes... it's awful if you threw your math away and have to start over (I once redid an entire timeline because someone said I'd messed up the dates on my chart, and I believed them and redid it all, only to realize several months later when I ran into a timeline problem that my math had actually been right all along :') Don't be like me. Record your work and leave notes explaining why.)

[I always use THIS calendar website when I'm planning timelines. It tracks moon phases, which was important when @zachbrightside and I were working on the FOP timeline and heavily relying on moon phases as a guide, and you can easily type any year and month into the URL bar so it's super easy to navigate.]

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Birthday Notes

I also kept all my notes on determining birthdays (very important for long 'fics with lots of characters that take place over several months! One of my FOP resource docs is specifically for birthdays and annual events, ranging from parades to anniversaries to carnivals).

My headcanon for Becky Botsford's birthday is July 28th. We know she starts the series at age 9 and has a birthday in Season 1 episode 4, meaning she's 10 for much of the series. There are at least two episodes where she cites her ages as "10 and a half," and we saw that in her next birthday episode ("A World Without WordGirl"), her cake had 11 candles on it.

Show canon implies that time IS passing and that the show doesn't exist in a timeless void (see also, Timmy Turner wishing to freeze time for 50 years), so it was important to me that I nail down her birthday. I knew I wanted it to take place after Rhyme and Reason if possible since there are no more birthday episodes, though I would also be fine with having "Rhyme and Reason" shortly after her birthday [to ensure she stays 10 and 11 for the majority of show canon].

Here are some of my notes on her birthday for anyone interested (Hopefully they're not too squished):

^ Like I said, I switched 1987 to 1998, but yeah. Rex's birthday comes out to June 13th, 1989 and Becky's is July 28th, 1986.

Clickable links for Rex and Becky on the age calculator if you're curious... Important for me since one of Rex's math powers is to always know how old someone is to the day.

Fun Fact - I deliberately gave Rex June 13th as a birthday so he would share a birthday with Foop, who is also a Season 7 Episode 1 debut kid over in Fairly OddParents :)

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Having birthdays planned is also nice for when I want to write multiple 'fics in the same world, even if they're not the same 'fic. In my story "Flypaper," which takes place in early June, Rex is eagerly awaiting his 17th birthday and Becky muses on how she'll be turning 20 at the end of the summer... Just a nice detail not only to set the scene, but also to help the story feel grounded and realistic since one of the themes of "Flypaper" was that Becky felt time was slipping away from her.

It's also important to note that Rex and Becky are always among the youngest in their school years since they have summer birthdays. Tobey is 12 for most of the time Becky is 11... Little details that don't take a long time to plan for, but can really help a story feel like the author put effort into the world.

Again, I highly recommend leaving clear notes to yourself about why you're doing certain timeline things. I much prefer having the breakdown of the episodes I looked at over simply leaving a note to myself that Becky's birthday is July 28th!

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Character Arc Notes

Before planning the events of the story, it helps to get an idea for what themes and character traits you want to focus on. Frayed Knots is about love and betrayal- it's about Anti-Cosmo pushing for what he wants even though it hurts his loved ones (appropriate theme for a villain backstory 'fic).

I want to show some notes I have for Factor It In because I think they're interesting. Factor It In is my first attempt at doing a story that deliberately focuses around two protagonists and their separate but equally important character arcs, and I'm excited :)

Everything that's in my doc is the "tell" part of "show don't tell." The story tries to show what I have in my notes:

Rex arc - Lack of Stability / Lack of Control - Failing, getting tricked, being unwanted, not good enough, not understanding things. Being in foster care is scary. Unfamiliar planet is scary Show Kid Math always being super inquisitive. He always wants to learn. He knows the most, he is the best, he gets upset when he's fooled or when he fails. He was 2nd best in school. He feels lost when he doesn't know what's happening in his future. Gets upset when WordGirl doubts his decisions. In the opening scene of Factor, he's mind controlled by Mr. Big. Literally has no control Kid Math clings to his superhero certification / Hexagonian education. He was raised by his aunts and has basically no relationship with his parents (though he tries to hide the fact that this hurts him). He feels like a burden; he feels like his mom considered him "too much work" and that his father considers him "not worth bothering to visit." Rex constantly struggles under this fear that he's a burden. He wants to prove himself a good superhero so that his education (and life) aren't "a waste." Conflict: Kid Math has already spent his entire life feeling like he's no one's first choice; that he's only "second best" (because he was second to top of his class in school). He understands that he and WordGirl are sharing the city, but it's important to him that he's considered an equal. He wants people to like him. It hurts when WordGirl comes on too strong and makes it obvious she lacks faith in him, because he feels like a burden: his worst nightmare. Throughout the story, Rex internalizes his successes and failures. He cannot separate his superhero identity from his civilian identity. He always sees himself as "Rex, who trained to become a superhero." He calls himself Rex and has no distinction in his mind. His secrets slip, he uses his powers when he's Rex, and he expects people to attribute KM's failures to Rex (Ex: school kids laugh at how he falls for tricks as Kid Math and it upsets him as Rex). Rex values control, and will do all he can to avoid losing control. His deadly sin is Wrath, but he has a lot of emotional control and will try to remove himself from the situation. As long as he has his safe space and his comfort things, he's okay. We get several scenes of him wanting to break stuff when he's upset but he holds back... with the underlying tension of wondering how long he'll last before he snaps (pitting his nightmare of losing control against Becky's nightmare of losing his friendship).

I want to highlight the part about how Rex cannot separate his two identities. This is something I showed even back in "AlgoRhythm" - Rex always calls himself "Rex" inside his head, even when he's dressed as Kid Math. However, when I write from Becky's POV, the third-person writing swaps between calling her "Becky" or "WordGirl" depending on how she's dressed.

I also have notes about how Rex's character arc relates to the story's finale, but that's spoilers. Since Rex's character arc is about how he hates not having control, then the worst thing that could happen to him is not having a say in things: hence why the plot about bouncing between foster families is such a hard thing for him to go through. Eventually, he'll also be put in a position where he needs to think about who he is as Rex vs. who he is as Kid Math, and we'll see that in the story climax.

Becky has a fun arc too:

Becky arc - Loss / Change - People being hurt, losing her friends, hurting or losing her family. Fear of change. Show WordGirl being upset when relationships fracture, even with people who aren't super close to her. She struggles with the idea of Kid Math befriending her villains or losing her position as a hero and getting replaced by Kid Math. Put simply, WordGirl is a control freak who refuses to admit this to herself. WordGirl struggles to relinquish control to Kid Math (which is where they come in conflict since he ALSO feels stressed when he doesn't have control). WordGirl is a bit of a helicopter mentor; she hovers around Rex, interferes with his work, and just generally gets in his way (which is pretty funny imo since Rex never got in her way during "Kid Math"- he's capable, he just causes problems with social interaction and not with the actual fighting... WordGirl gets the social interaction part but definitely gets in the way). Conflict: WordGirl doesn't enjoy having Rex around, but she can't tell him that because it might hurt his feelings and that would cause her "loss and change" pain. She would feel guilty and sad. Rex being Exposition Guy's foster kid is a big source of conflict between them, as Rex believes he should "get dibs" on info EG shares. WordGirl stresses when Rex doesn't do things "her way" and Rex gets frustrated that she doesn't trust him. Tensions keep rising because WordGirl starts seeing "the bad" in Rex; she keeps seeing Miss Power traits in him and she worries that Miss Power might have been his teacher back on Hexagon. Her nosiness strains Rex's trust in her and he starts pulling away emotionally... sending her into a spiral about change and loss (especially as more and more villains and civilians grow familiar with Kid Math and start to think he's cool). Lots of resentment towards Kid Math for "replacing her" even though she NEVER admits that to herself; she still has trace amounts of jealousy towards him in later stories like "Flypaper..." WordGirl doesn't mean to be jealous or greedy, but it's always been one of her flaws (i.e. someone else getting a key to the city, or when she snapped during Miss Power special about Chuck getting a collectible unicorn, wanting to show off a bit during "Invisible Hand"). She's a very nice person but Envy is absolutely her deadly sin.

So yeah! Fun times ahead; I'm excited.

We've already started seeing cracks form between her and Chuck... In Chapter 4, Chuck confronts her, asking if WordGirl is retiring and if he'll still get to see her. Chuck has his own little character arc in the background, which is that he broke his foot a few days before the story starts- he has to sit on the sidelines watching the other villains get "WordGirl time" while he has to watch Kid Math go through hero training.

A lot of other characters have small arcs too, though Chuck's and Victor Best's are probably the most notable-- Chuck and Victor are both characters who struggle with being "the second best" compared to a more successful sibling, so they resonate heavily with Rex's character arc.

WordGirl's arc is about control, so Mr. Big and Tobey (mind control and robots) are pretty obvious choices for her, along with Dr. Two-Brains... but actually, Granny May and Eileen are two villains I really wanted to look at in Factor It In. Granny May's life hinges around being a "people person" (to the point that she had an episode about how she could be way more successful with a different schtick; she just likes talking to people too much to trade that for success).

Granny May is super calculating and manipulative and she also struggles with little losses of control in her daily life (getting on in years, mobility issues, and the episode "Granny's Book Club" where the Evil Villains Association tried to force her to retire). I like Granny May because she looks like this sweet old lady but she also, like. can fly and has a robot suit, which is SO funny.

With her cold, calculating patience and her manipulative ways, Granny May represents the worst of Rex AND Becky at the same time, which is great. I'm excited to get to her chapters. Eileen is also a fun villain to juxtapose Becky because she's the embodiment of envy, which Becky struggles with, so I'm looking forward to that too.

A lot of characters are also working on school projects, so they always have "something to do" or "something that is causing them stress." Mapping out the background character arcs and conflicts can help the story feel more alive, and I think that's a useful part of outlining :)

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Once you know your character arcs ["What is my character's biggest fear, what is something my character will do wrong, what event forces them to face their fear, and how do they resolve this situation in a way that shows them growing as a person?"] then the story sort of writes itself :)

Make sure you have a goal or a problem and make sure there's a reason they can't achieve the goal or solve their problem in the first chapter. Here are some examples from 3 of my long 'fics:

Origin of the Pixies - Fergus (i.e. H.P.) fears being responsible for others... His father wants him to study psychology and take over the family therapy business (Wish Fixers) even though carrying the weight of others' emotional problems sounds like the worst fate imaginable... so Fergus cuts ties with Dad, drops out of the Fairy Academy and runs away from home. Now he only looks out for himself, can start his own business if he wants to, and he can drink and party all the time. What could be better than that?

Fergus's nightmare of being responsible becomes unavoidable when he (a pixie) starts reproducing asexually... during a time when no one really knows what pixies are and Fairy World has a baby ban in place. Fergus pursues a life of business and money-making, fighting to provide for Sanderson and the rest of his clone offspring (some of whom are predisposed by their genetics to kill him when they come of age, which is fun). Things get even worse when Fairy World and Anti-Fairy World go to war... Being responsible for kids during a time of peace was hard enough, but war? Forget it.

After successfully navigating the chaos of war, Fergus is ready to settle back into a peaceful life, but tumultuous politics keep him on his toes. His best friend - the leader of Anti-Fairy World - gets overthrown by hotshot Anti-Cosmo, and Fergus is forced to re-evaluate his friendships, priorities, political alignments, and personal needs if he wants to maintain political piece between the Pixies and Anti-Fairies.

While raising his pixie clones, Fergus has always kept them at arm's length and called them "interns" or "employees" or even "nephews" to avoid calling them his sons. The older he gets, the less he's able to do the things he liked to do in his younger years - goof off, wrestle, attend parties - and the more he needs to think about putting his pixies first. As death looms nearer and nearer, Fergus grows increasingly desperate to ensure his pixies will still thrive without him... and he'll do anything, regardless of who it hurts or how badly he endangers the magical world, to ensure they do.

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Frayed Knots - Anti-Cosmo fears being unloved; his father isn't in the picture, his older brother is aloof, and his mother isn't kind to him. He's desperate to not grow old without a soulmate by his side. When he fails to match with a partner during a betrothal ceremony, he lies his way through it and tricks his peers into believing Anti-Saffron is his fated match.

As the centuries pass, it becomes more difficult to maintain the lie and Anti-Cosmo begins questioning whether maintaining his relationship with Anti-Saffron is even worth it. Breaking things off in a society that believes in luck and fate, however, is incredibly risky and could get him labeled as an outcast for the rest of his life.

Anti-Cosmo struggles to balance his dying feelings for Anti-Saffron with his growing feelings for Anti-Wanda, and things get trickier and trickier as his friends realize he's been lying all his life and start pushing him away. Finally, Anti-Cosmo has to choose between his comfy lies and his betrothed or else throw away everything so he can chase after Anti-Wanda... who might abandon him too, just like his friends did, and leave him alone and unloved.

Anti-Cosmo maintains his lies as long as he can, hurting his loved ones in the process, and struggles to pick up the pieces left behind. Even if no one else forgives him, he can't keep living in the past; he has to learn to forgive himself if he hopes to be approachable and trustworthy again. Being an evil villain, though, I guess whether or not he grows as a person is up for some debate...

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Factor It In (Rex) - Rex values his personal achievements; he finds joy in superhero work and regularly brags about himself, his schooling, and his home planet Hexagon in general (right down to the fact that his planet has "the tastiest raisins in the universe.") Unfortunately, he's stuck in a cycle of giving his all but never feeling satisfied with his achievements because he's "never the best." One of his greatest fears is being confronted with evidence that he really is a burden and a failure, which would absolutely crush his spirit.

Rex doesn't love the way that Becky pushes him around; she's not mean, she just tries to guide him towards foster care even though he doesn't want to go. He doesn't speak up about it because he wants to put his faith in her and believe that he can learn from her and become a better person (since "being a good person" is the one thing he values above personal pride). He still feels inexperienced and overwhelmed in the early chapters, so he's hesitant to speak up and explain why he doesn't like what Becky's doing... up until she starts crossing his boundaries and then he has to draw the line.

Rex's desire for independence leads him to trust very easily. He puts his faith in Victor, Tobey, Chuck, and Granny May, who steer him down a wobbly path of moral grays. Becky keeps pushing him further away, so Rex continues bonding with the villains because he feels safe with them. Obviously this doesn't end well and he has to face the consequences of choosing the villains over his friendship with WordGirl.

In his determination to mend things with WordGirl, Rex accidentally lands both of them in a terrible situation and puts them (and therefore the rest of the city) in danger. In order to fix this, he has to push through his personal pride (Ow), accept his mistake (Double ow), and go against his training (which became useless while Bad Situation is in effect) so he can find a new way to save the day.

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Factor It In (Becky) - Becky values her identity as a superhero and how much work she puts into protecting the city. She fears that Kid Math will be a worse hero than her (endangering people) but also fears Kid Math will be a better hero than her (blow to her self-confidence).

She can't resolve this problem in Chapter 1 because she's scared of hurting his feelings and would rather try other options to avoid direct confrontation; instead, she deals with her concerns by trying to "fix" Kid Math. She trains him and pushes him towards foster care. As long as she feels like she's helping him, she's assuaging both fears: she's proving she's "better" and she's helping him not be worse. Ergo, she "no longer has a problem."

Becky's already on a path that puts her in conflict with Rex, who desires control over his own life and has to deal with her pushing him around until he can't take it any more. Conflict arises when Becky oversteps boundaries and breaks Rex's trust in her. Things get worse when she makes a mistake that sours the city's attitude towards her. Her worst nightmare is coming true: she's "not as good as Kid Math" and people might get hurt without her.

As things keep getting worse for the city and Rex is struggling, it's obvious that she and Kid Math need to team up again. That means repairing their friendship... which she can only do if she proves that she really does trust Rex to do things by himself. Therein lies the pickle...

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Anyway, I really rambled on there, but... Point being, a lot of fun stuff goes in my table docs, and this is the type of outlining I like to do for characters and story plots.

I highly recommend having a table of contents doc for long 'fics. You don't need to bog it down with all your worldbuilding notes (Hopefully you have a separate place you can put those, like a Tumblr blog or other docs), but for things that you know you'll definitely need and are worried you might not be able to find again, I highly recommend keeping them in the table doc.

You shouldn't normally be editing your table doc after you've done your outlining, which means you're less likely to accidentally delete important notes (compared to keeping them in a story doc) and you won't bog your story doc down with stuff you need to scroll past.

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Chapter Docs [1 per chapter]

I have links to all my individual chapter docs (important to me since my chapters are normally 10k+ words... Can't fit everything in one doc or it would be a pain to navigate and take an age to load).

Here are some snippets of my outlines. As you can see, the descriptions I have in my table docs are loose and vague:

This is from Come What May:

Come What May is special because it takes place over just a few days (while my long 'fics span months or even thousands of years). It's based around Kevin's appearances in Fairly OddParents Season 10.

I wanted to share this because even though my notes for "Cold Shadow" are basically nothing, it still gives the info that's actually important for me to know when returning to this project after a hiatus: "Here's exactly what day it is in the timeline. This episodes shows kids turning in a homework assignment on the founding fathers, which means we need to see Kevin doing this homework assignment (or at least acknowledging it) in prior chapters.

Regardless of the weird supernatural stuff Kevin is dealing with in this 'fic, it's still intended to be canon compliant, and I know that's a detail Future Me could easily forget but would want to know. It's like what I said earlier about birthdays and timelines: leave yourself clear notes. You'll never regret having too many notes, especially if you intend to return to a project after a long hiatus.

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Origin - I unfortunately scrapped my descriptions for all previous chapters of Origin and Knots so forgive the "spoilers," ha ha

Origin was originally drafted in a single document, which I later split into separate chapter docs. That's why I have notes like "Hawkins hand scene." I know exactly what that's referring to and my table of contents doc helps me remember which chapter it got moved to.

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Knots - I wanted to show these to emphasize how vague some of these are:

Even though they're vague, you can get a good sense of the direction the story is going. Outlining doesn't have to be a painful, in-depth process. You can knock out the basics in a single afternoon if you just sit down and do it.

I picked one chapter and opened it at random ("Fox's Folly") and it has 8k words in its draft right now. "Tipping Scales" has 15k. At the time of making this post, Frayed Knots only has 34 chapters posted in public, so we're at least 1 or 2 years away from getting to this point, yet there's already a lot of draft info I can go back to. I've added a lot of bits and pieces to these chapters over the years and sometimes I just open them when I'm in the mood for reading something fun.

Having the documents already set up in advance brings you one step closer to opening them and throwing stuff in them and I highly recommend that.

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Factor - These chapter outlines are more detailed (minus the early ones... the first 3 chapters were drafted as 1 chapter originally). If you've actually read Factor thus far, however, you'll notice that the scenes in my outline don't match perfectly with the finally chapters. And that's okay! The outlines are just guidelines and the final chapter can be different:

Lots of screenshots but I feel like my Factor doc is the most authentic look at my outline process (since it's recent while Origin and Knots were outlined like 7 years ago). I use black on my initial draft and red for things I change on a later sweep.

There are little notes to myself and sometimes I switch the order of things around. Also, "Torus" was written from scratch (no outline) since I came up with ideas for it later, and the nice thing is that I felt comfortable doing that without feeling like I'll write myself into a corner or wreck the pacing.

Having a story outline and all these separate docs means I already know where the story is going and I can jump in and write from anywhere in the timeline when the mood strikes. I think having a lot of options on what to write is the best way to fight writer's block, so this system works well for me.

Origin was drafted in 2016 and Knots in 2017. I create new scenes all the time (and scrap others), but a lot of the early story beats are still the same.

That about covers what I do in my outline process :) Thanks for asking and hopefully this was a fun and interesting read!