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bbcphile · 8 months

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CPTSD and Mysterious Lotus Casebook Part II: Di Feisheng, Violence, and Emotional Regulation

In last week’s meta, I wrote about complex CPTSD, its stereotypes, and how DFS and LLH each show different aspects of CPTSD symptoms.

This week’s post focuses on DFS and self regulation, including emotional regulation. As I mentioned before, it’s common for tv shows and films to have characters who have survived child abuse or traumatic combat situations be affected by out of control, violent outbursts. What I find fascinating about DFS, however, is that, while the jianghu and even Li Lianhua initially see him as someone who resorts to violence at the slightest provocation, that’s not at all who he is according to what we see on screen. While he does lash out with violence, he is more in control of his actions, expression of emotions, and violent impulses than just about anyone in the show.

Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is a challenge with complex PTSD for a number of reasons, including:

Traditional flashbacks (re-experiencing the traumatic memories as though it is happening again)

Emotional flashbacks (experiencing all the emotions from the trauma as intensely as if it were happening again, including grief, rage, betrayal, fear, etc.)

Body memories (experiencing the physical sensations of the trauma like it’s happening again)

Hypervigilance (being constantly on the lookout for threats to defend against them and keep yourself safe) and its resultant irritability and overstimulation

Intrusive thoughts (seeing images or thinking thoughts related to the trauma that you can’t block out)

Nightmares (of the trauma), or insomnia from avoiding nightmares and the resulting exhaustion and irritability from sleep deprivation

As a result, anything that reminds someone of the trauma can be a trigger that could set off any or all of these reactions. That means, for DFS, that being betrayed by someone he trusted, or being poisoned and made powerless, or being attacked by someone with more power than him, or confronting his abuser is never about experiencing just that event in isolation: it almost always brings up the feelings of the earlier, even more traumatic times similar things have happened. Also, it’s not just events or people’s actions that can be triggers: smells, colors, textures, sounds, tastes, shapes, terrain, enclosed spaces, decor style—anything can trigger this sort of re-experiencing. As you might imagine, responding appropriately to people and situations can be difficult when your brain is constantly telling you that you are in danger or actively being harmed!

How do people deal with being bombarded by emotions, memories, and sensations of the worst times of their lives? The version media shows most often is a traditional “fight” response, where people lash out at others, either preemptively to avoid being hurt or in retaliation for a real or perceived hurt, although lots of survivors of CPTSD turn this fight response inwards in what I’ve started calling “lashing in,” where, like Li Lianhua, they direct the anger and hatred that should go toward the perpetrators of abuse toward themselves instead. (There’s also the “flight” response—avoiding and running away from things that remind you of the trauma or throwing yourself into distractions by being a workaholic—or the “freeze” response of dissociation, or the “fawn” response of trying to appease and placate someone harming you, but more on those another day.)

DFS, Violence, and Emotional Regulation

I want to emphasize that I’m not saying DFS isn’t violent: Di Feisheng does lash out, verbally and physically! (And for a great image set of the number of people he chokes, check out this post by @difeisheng.) What I find fascinating about DFS is the way he is such an interesting twist on the idea of lashing out; he’s not hurting others during a flashback or nightmare, or harming others as an outlet for his anger, or killing first and asking questions later to stay safe. He’s using violence but in a deliberate, controlled way, and as a last resort. And this is even more impressive given all the potential things that might trigger him.

Leaving Seclusion

His first appearance as an adult in the show’s present highlights this beautifully: his first act when he breaks free from seclusion is to tell Jiao Liqiao and Yao Mo not to kill the people who have intruded on his hideout, which is the reason FDB and LLH live past episode 5. This is wild to me, because it would be easy for someone who has been on the run from the Di Fortress his entire life and clearly fears being recaptured to say they deserve death for trespassing or because they could be Di Fortress spies. Or, since he spent a decade recovering from injuries liable to make him feel helpless, he could have used it as a chance to fight them as a way of proving to himself that he is still strong and capable and unlikely to be recaptured. Instead, he tells JLQ and Xue Gong to stand down and uses his qinggong to leave the scene, not even interrogating them to find out more. So, even though being unexpectedly interrupted while he’s still weaker than he used to be would activate his hypervigilance and increase the likelihood of him lashing out, he doesn’t. Anything he’s feeling stays internal and not on his face, such that he looks and acts unaffected. And since it’s one of his earliest appearances, it’s proof that this pattern is present from the start. It’s not just Li Lianhua’s influence or DFS’ time without memories as a-Fei soothing his bad temper or rage or uncontrolled violence: he was never out of control to begin with.

Asura Grass

DFS’ restraint comes into play again when he finds out that Li Lianhua blocked his meridians with Asura grass, interfering with his ability to access his qi. I am feral about this moment. DFS has spent his entire life trying to be as strong as possible so he would never be helpless again and regularly has nightmares/flashbacks of his childhood in the Di Fortress in which he didn’t have the strength, training, or skills to defend himself properly, and to times he was helpless and couldn’t control his own body because of the mind control bug that had been put into him against his will. His nightmares show that he remembers the pain it caused when the Di Fortress head rang the bell, and that the bug writhed in his neck while triggering that pain. In poisoning him with the Asura grass, something that literally moves and grows inside him to make him weaker and unable to fully defend himself, LLH could have unknowingly reenacted that trauma from Di Fortress. The fact that it happens immediately after two positive things–he had regained the strength he’d lost so he’d be feeling safer and freer than he had for the last decade, and the fact that he’d just found LXY alive after mourning him and losing interest in martial arts beyond wanting the security his skills provide–would have made this betrayal hurt even more: it’s the sort of thing that crushes hope and makes you think you’ll always be trapped. That it came from someone he cared for (as a rival, as an aspirational figure, as his equal, as a romantic prospect, etc.) and still mostly trusted could have itself been a trigger because of the early days at Di Fortress when he learned the hard way that his options were kill or be killed, and trust and kindness didn’t fit into that world. Despite the fact that LLH’s using Asura grass on him would be an incredibly painful combination of triggers and terrible timing, DFS stays mind-boggling in control of his external reactions. When he realizes his meridians are blocked, his face falls and his fingers twitch slightly (they are usually either held completely still in a studied, neutral rounded position or in a fist if he’s really mad about something and doesn’t mind showing it externally), and he starts to take a step towards LLH. But before he’s moved much at all, LLH tells him to stay where he is and not come closer.

And he stops.

He’s having Big Feelings about it (and who wouldn’t? Especially since part of his trauma is being immobilized when trying to get back at the person who harmed him!), as the Throat Bob of Feeling (his biggest emotional tell) shows, but he stops and hears LLH out.

He escalates things later by putting his sword to LLH’s throat and telling him he’ll torture him to get the cure, but it’s more a warning than an actual threat; the fabric of LLH’s robes is between the blade and his skin so not even the flesh will be nicked. And once he learns that LLH is doing this not to harm him but because he wants his help–before he even knows what LLH wants his help with–he removes his dao from LLH’s neck and asks for more details. (There’s so much to say about how he wields words in this conversation, too, but it’s already getting too long!) This interaction shows that, for him, physical violence is to counter an active threat, even if he’s mad and hurting, and that his default even during times of extreme stress is to stay calm, despite how incredibly hard that would be for anyone.

DFS and FDB

This could be an entire meta on its own, but since it’s more obvious than some of the other points, all I’ll say here is that Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng argue and fight all the time, but Di Feisheng almost never instigates it: DFS usually tries to ignore FDB and walk away to avoid the conflict entirely, and once FDB throws the first punch, DFS’s goal is to get out of the fight, not to hurt him. Look at how FDB is actually trying to choke DFS when they’re wrestling and DFS is more bracing against his shoulder, as @difeisheng has said, or even at the rest of the fight choreography where each of DFS’ strikes is to force FDB to let go of him and to leave the room.

(Note: FDB tries to strangle DFS first, whereas DFS is mainly trying to brace himself against his arms and keep him at arm’s length.

Even in the ep 13 fight, when Di Feisheng eventually poisons Fang Duobing with gang qi, he gives him several verbal warnings to draw his sword first, because he doesn’t want to fight someone who is unarmed. He’s also not trying to kill FDB; he’s trying to hurt him just enough that LLH is forced to ask for his help and agree to live. (More on this in the yin leaves meta I will eventually write.) So, again, it’s controlled violence in service of a larger goal, not vengeful, uncontrolled lashing out.

DFS and the Limits of Emotional Regulation

There are 3 main times when DFS’ control over his anger/hurt/violence is shaken or in jeopardy: 1. when he finds out Li Lianhua was poisoned and is dying; 2. when he wakes up in pain and with no memories in the corpse seller’s place; and 3. when he wakes up from a nightmare/flashback–still without memories–in a bed with LLH hovering over him. For each, I’ll explain possible reasons the event could be so triggering to clarify why he struggled with emotional regulation. (Also, keep in mind that being triggered can happen even if the person in question doesn’t consciously know what triggered them or why, so while he might be aware of some or all of the connections between the present event and his past experiences, he wouldn’t need to be consciously aware of any of them for them to affect him emotionally and make it harder for him to control his response.)

Fight over Bicha

The scene where DFS learns that LXY was poisoned for their donghai battle and thought it was on DFS’ order is fascinating, because it is the most angry and volatile we see DFS at any point in the show as an adult: he yells, repeatedly, his voice shaking with emotion, and he chokes Li Lianhua twice. Given how tightly controlled he is the rest of the time—including when he confronts his abusers and any of the times he is captured or tortured (I’ll talk about the latter two in a dissociation meta later)—that means that whatever he is feeling must be overpowering to shake his iron control. So before we get into analyzing the way that he is still showing restraint, even here, we need to address why this realization would be such a trigger for him.

Although DFS claims he’s angry and upset about the realization because he wants to be the best in a fair fight and his previous fake victory made him seem like a joke, it seems highly likely he’s not telling the full story, since that’s not really a thing he does. (For a full listing of things he lies about or deliberately omits/withholds, check out this post.) In fact, it seems very likely his reaction happened because of just how many triggers this scenario managed to hit. For example, at Di Fortress, he was forced into fights he didn’t want to participate in, where the odds were stacked against him because he was a child forced to fight people older and more experienced than he was, so as an adult, he wants to fight people who are at his level, and not people weaker than he is, because he doesn’t want to continue the cycle. This is why he isn’t interested in fighting other people on the martial arts list, why he barely expends any power at all on fighting the Sigu sect members, etc. He knows what it feels like to be on the other side of that, and in the same way that he wants to free the children in the Di Fortress so they don’t have to suffer as he did, so he wants to never be the cause of someone suffering under an imbalance of power. Also, since every escape attempt from Di Fortress and every attack against his abusive master was rigged against him—because the mind control bug could stop him in his tracks—he likewise doesn’t want to deprive someone of their agency like that. We also know that Di Feisheng and Li Xiangyi signed a peace treaty for five years, where they promised not to attack each other; that promise not to attack each other was exactly what he kept trying to form with the other prisoners in Di Fortress, but he couldn’t find anyone to agree and just got stabbed for his efforts.

Li Xiangyi breaking the peace treaty would have shattered that dream (and probably his heart a bit, too), but even that wouldn’t hurt as much as finding out, all at the same time, that:

1. He had thought he was the best in the world at martial arts which to him meant safety and security from Di Fortress, and he just found out it was based on a lie;

2. His now second-in-command, JLQ, had poisoned LXY (which violated the peace treaty), a betrayal that would reactivate his already very prevalent trust issues;

3. He had fought and almost killed someone in a rigged fight when he tries to be deliberate about his kills and violence so as not to perpetuate the abuse he suffered from;

4. JLQ had essentially tried to turn him into the butcher the head of Di Fortress wanted him to be, and he hadn’t known it for a decade;

5. LXY had spent a decade thinking DFS endorsed the sort of abuses he abhorred;

6. LXY is now dying and mostly powerless because of what was done in his name and because he didn’t notice the poisoning kicking in, and LXY refuses to fight for his life or to give DFS a chance to save him and essentially undo the harm that has been done. To DFS, LXY is making him complicit in his death yet again, which would mean being again responsible for the death of someone he wants to live, just like he was as a child.

Oh, and he’s facing all this with his meridians blocked and without access to his qi, which means he’s most likely feeling perpetually hypervigilant and helpless, which would mean everything is likely to feel like even more of a threat and emotional regulation is even harder.

In short, it is a clusterfuck of epic proportions. And this is all assuming that he mainly thought of LXY as purely a rival he respected: if you read DFS as already loving LXY (whether he realizes it consciously or not), you can see why it would be even worse.

And of course, all of Li Lianhua’s suggestions that DFS pretend he didn’t hear or move on and fight someone else are not addressing the main issues, because he doesn’t know them. But if DFS wasn’t about to tell LXY that someone was framing the Jinyuan alliance for the murder of SGD a decade ago, he’s certainly not about to tell him his deepest secret–that due to a mind control bug, one ring of a bell can render him absolutely helpless, which is why fair fights and being strong enough to defeat any enemy are incredibly important to him–so of course, to LLH, it’s just about DFS wanting to prove he’s the best as part of an ego trip, even though that’s not it at all. And of course LLH’s dismissiveness is going to make everything worse for DFS.

With all that in mind, let’s look at his body language and actions to see how he handles things when he is incredibly close to losing it. Although he does lash out, his first choice, as always, isn’t violence: he gathers info via eavesdropping–rather than bursting in during a fit of rage as soon as he learns the truth–and when he confronts LLH, he yells at him first, telling him what he overheard. It’s only when LLH tries to avoid the subject by snarking at him about eavesdropping instead of telling him the truth that DFS grabs LLH by the neck and shoves him against a pillar.

The moment in the entire show he is at his angriest is when he yells “It matters!” after LLH says it doesn’t matter who won or lost.

This is what DFS looks like when he’s losing control: his arm shakes for an instant before he locks the muscles to keep in place, and he puts a tad more pressure than he meant to on LLH’s neck before he realizes it and pulls back again. He’s been incredibly truthful here, in a way: the fact that he didn’t win because Li Lianhua was poisoned matters tremendously to him. He’s just not saying why and letting LLH believe the worst of him, which is another of his common strategies.

In case there’s any doubt that DFS’s choking of LLH is more designed to warn than to harm and is overall incredibly controlled apart from that moment, just look at his grip: Li Lianhua can talk and breathe normally and even turn his head the first time, so this move designed to show that DFS is mad, hurt, and serious about the conversation rather than actually trying to hurt or punish LLH or cut off his air. He also lets go completely while trying to convince LLH to let him cure him. He only grips Li Lianhua’s neck again when LLH refuses to accept help and only applies any real force when Li Lianhua essentially calls his bluff about killing people from Baichuan Court (or rather, tells his own bluff–a lie that he doesn’t care what happens to them).

Even there, since he’s making threats he doesn’t mean, he’s very much trying to play into the villain role LLH saw/sees him as (the person who murdered SGD, broke a peace treaty, and poisoned him), but he’s not doing it to harm LLH or “just” force him to have a second duel: he’s doing it to try to convince him to live, to give him something to fight (him) for: the safety of other people DFS thinks LLH cares about most.

After all, most of the conversation isn’t about a second duel at all: it’s about DFS trying to convince LLH to let him find a cure. No wonder he has the Throat Bob of Feeling twice when LLH explains that he’s dying and doesn’t have much time left.

With that in mind, the fact that DFS uses the traditional Di family choking move again when LLH refuses to agree to let DFS try to cure him is a fascinating metaphor for how DFS approaches violence when it comes to LXY: he’s using a move designed to cause harm, but with the intent to convince LLH to accept help. In other words, he’s using a technique designed to kill to try to force Li Lianhua to live.

a-Fei and Hypervigilance

Even when DFS wakes up with amnesia, only remembering “kill or be killed” and some of his worst trauma memories, and would be most likely to act on pure instinct, he still exercises restraint. When he finds himself first at the corpse seller’s and later at Lotus Tower, not knowing how he got to either place, it would be the work of a moment to snap the neck of the man trying to sell him to be married to a dead woman without his consent, or to stab the hair stick (or knife? I can’t tell which) from the nightstand through Li Lianhua’s throat. But even then, when he’d have every reason to assume his life is in jeopardy and he needs to kill first, he doesn’t. In both cases, he pauses, gathers information, and listens, and lets go. (And yes, he collapses in the first of these two instances instead of actively making the choice to let go, but he’s already loosened his grip to listen to Li Lianhua, and when he sees the corpse seller the next day, he doesn’t try to harm him, or even exhibit any animosity at all toward him, showing again that once the threat is passed, so too has his desire for violence.) Even when he’s under threat or having a flashback and all he knows is killing, he doesn’t kill.

DFS and Violence against Abusers

Even when he does intend to harm–particularly with his two abusers, the head of Di Fortress and Jiao Liqiao (who he kills, even though it goes against his policy of not killing women)–his emotions and actions are tightly controlled: while he does choke them and destroy their meridians, and tell them why he’s getting revenge, his voice, strength, and facial expressions are almost superhumanly regulated.

Confronting an abuser is incredibly difficult, because it usually triggers the feelings of fear and helplessness that were experienced during the abuse. It might be hard to imagine DFS feeling fear or helplessness because he doesn’t explicitly show it as an adult much, but the fact that he still has nightmares/flashbacks of being immobilized and hurt by the head of Di Fortress means that even though he’s an adult who is at the top of the jianghu, he’s still regularly re-experiencing the terror of being helpless and at his mercy for decades, and his fear of helplessness has motivated almost every action of his since. That means that he would be struggling during that confrontation, fighting off literal and emotional flashbacks and/or dissociation, and trying to convince his brain that he’s no longer a helpless child about to be punished or killed. And, generally speaking, once you’ve confronted one abuser, future confrontations with different abusers trigger all the feelings from the confrontation with the earlier abuser, especially if the aftermath of the confrontation was traumatic (which, given that it’s when JLQ incapacitated, captured, and tortured him, it definitely was). So, when confronting JLQ, he’s probably reexperiencing that fear and helplessness on top of everything else. And, given how often we see him show nothing, even while being tortured, the cracks in his facade here speak to just how deeply the confrontations are affecting him.

He doesn’t even raise his voice, and the only hints of the toll the confrontations are taking on him are tiny, almost invisible facial movements, which you can see in the gifs below:

When the head of Di Fortress offers to make him the new master and in charge of abusing others, the muscles of one cheek and under the opposite eye start twitching.

(and zoomed in if you need a close up!)

2. When JLQ taunts him after he broke free from her prison by saying “Do you want to escape?” his jaw works from side to side as he forces himself to not react.

3. When he chokes JLQ after she says she’ll kill LLH for being the reason DFS doesn’t love her, it takes him two tries to speak before his voice works (look at his lips forming the opening word twice before working the third time.)

So, clearly, the lapses in his control aren’t violent outbursts; they speak to something far more nuanced than that, namely, the emotional turmoil confronting an abuser brings up.

[Also, compare this to LLH’s reaction when he finds out SGD tricked their shifu into sacrificing himself for him. He’s flooded by his emotions, which affects his fighting style, and it triggers a Bicha flare. Note: I’m NOT criticizing LLH here. His reaction makes perfect sense and I’m not saying DFS’ approach is better. I am saying that it’s unusual to have the hero be the one who lashes out and has less emotional control and to have the person the jianghu sees as the temper-tantrum prone villain be the one who keeps his emotions in a chokehold.]

So many shows have confrontation scenes with an abuser be either profoundly triumphant events or violent revenge fantasies where the character almost loses control beating up the person who harmed them. These scenes are fascinating not just because DFS doesn’t rejoice or lose control, but because of the way DFS’ microexpressions show how hard the confrontations are for him. These are not the actions of someone who is controlled by rage or violent impulses. They’re the actions of someone who has spent so much of his life with his body controlled by the non-existent mercy of others that he refuses to let anything, including his emotions and memories, wrestle his hard-won control of his body away from him. Of someone who knows what it’s like to suffer, powerless, at the violent hands of others, and tries to make sure that the violence he commits with his own hands is well-reasoned and justified. Of someone who is hypervigilant not only to external threats but to the threat he himself could be.

In other words, the extreme amount of control he exercises over himself and the way he is hypervigilant to the threat that he could pose and the way he goes out of his way to not abuse power over others the way he was abused is itself a manifestation of his complex CPTSD.

The portrayal of his cPTSD is particularly interesting when you realize that the out of control, hyperviolent danger to society villain stereotype is exactly who the jianghu thinks Di Feisheng is for most of the show. But the reality is that Di Feisheng has more self-control than the rest of the lotus trio (certainly more than Fang Duobing does), even when he’s being violent. And, just as the jianghu’s legends have very little basis in reality and do damage to the characters, so does the caricature of a hyperviolent traumatized villain have almost nothing in common with the real experiences and symptoms of cPTSD and actively harm survivors. And I’m thrilled that this show is giving us new narratives about trauma to challenge that stereotype.

As for how he holds on to that type of control over himself, given that struggles with emotional regulation are part of having complex ptsd? The short answer is a combination of compartmentalization, dissociation, habit, and grounding techniques (including meditation).

Stay tuned for a post on these coping mechanisms and the evidence from the show that he uses them.

#mysterious lotus casebook #lianhua lou #mlc meta #Di Feisheng #lhl #complex PTSD #PTSD #dihua #Sorry it's incredibly long!#I hope y'all meant it when you told me not to cut anything from it #also I learned to make gifs for this!#Please be impressed: it was hard and stressful

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sudokufag · 2 months

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Mmm it's something I've always wanted a chance to talk about but have never gotten a real chance to online or in real life but since it's disability pride month and all

I wanna give a huge shoutout to people with phobias. (long post ahead)

I feel like phobias aren't talked about nearly as much as they should be in mental health spaces. We talk a lot about people's triggers related to traumatic events, but we don't really cover what it's like to have a trigger from a phobia.

Phobias can come from trauma, but just as many times that happen for no reason at all. Sometimes a slightly uncomfortable, embarrassing or spooky one time occurance buries itself into your mind for no reason at all and it just stays there because the human mind is funny and often slips up.

There's not really a community for phobias, if you look up your phobia online you will be flooded with really triggering images, you can't search any tags online because those tags exist to censor triggers, not to form a community. (not to say that those tags aren't important ofc they are) The closest I've seen is the tag "actual phobia" in Tumblr but this seems small and drowned out by fandom posts somehow.

Phobias are hard and exhausting. They effect you in ways that people wouldn't expect and you cant really explain. They can be humiliating to have: kids in middle school intentionally would trigger my phobia because they didn't understand the severity until I fainted onto the floor. I'm an adult by my mom has to hold my hand and head at the doctors office so I don't break down like a child, the worst was when I had to get my covid shot and confused children and judgemental elderly people alike stared at me in the midst of my meltdown.

Phobias are very isolating. That new movie everyone raves about has triggering subjects right on the poster and no one really thinks to tag it while it's trending. That video game looks right up my alley, but oh, it triggers my phobia and theres no way to censor it in the settings. You try to tell friends and family about your issues as they halfway pay attention as they file your fears under the same urgency "needs to ask their partner to kill the spider". If you've got an uncommon or silly sounding phobia, you will straight up get laughed at for expressing your fear, even in what should be really progressive and accepting places.

It's hard to really describe a meltdown to someone who's never had them. Phobias often make people cry and scream and kick involuntarily, we can vomit and drop in blood sugar and have migraines and faint. To say that it's the feeling of walls closing in on you is to only put in the slightest terms. When I have a meltdown, I feel like I am dying. It's the most pain and fear you can feel, reverting you back into a confused childlike state, and the only reprieve I can get is knowing that I 15 minutes I will feel better if a little tired and I will get to drink a coke with a silly straw as congratulations for making it through.

Lots of people will give you a flat and unsympathetic "get help." even when they're typically progressive enough to know it's rude to say that to people suffering from things like depression. It applies to us too! It's damn hard to get a therapist already, even harder to feel ready to look a phobia in the eye. Signing up for exposure therapy is a very scary thing to do.

So to anyone reading this with a phobia or phobias:

Weather being the very common ones or ones so rare and niche that you aren't taken seriously, and God help you on avoiding triggers

Being unable to enter doctors offices or grocery stores or the post office without shaking in fear

Those whole also struggle with OCD too and have intrusive thoughts about their phobias, triggering them even when sitting alone in their room

Those who's circle doesn't take their phobia very seriously and feels lost and alone when triggered

For those who have been hospitalized or institutionalized because of their phobia

You're not alone! And all feelings, even the very worst feelings, always will come to pass.

I wish that there was a community around phobias the same way there is for my conditions ADHD and anxiety, so we could learn coping mechanisms and better understand ourselves as people through each other's experiences. I'm not sure how that'd work or what that'd look like, but the best way I can think of to get started is to post things like these!

*feel free to share you experience if you want to in the tags

#I usually don't care at all about notes but I do want this one to get shared please #txt #me post #long post #disability pride month #actual phobia #actually phobia #phobias #polls #<< I guess lol

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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For realsie though, I really wish I could look at the people who are diagnosed with DID and get upset at people "making it look like a fun disorder to have" with some level of sympathy or empathy, but I really honestly think that rhetoric is really honestly destructive as a means for self soothing and one I really just can't stand personally.

Like this disorder sucks ass and the reason it happened sucks ass and recovering with it sucks ass, but I don't see that rhetoric as any better than stating that "anyone who went through that could NEVER recover or live happy".

And I get where that comes from, I do, but at a certain point in trauma processing, stabilization and recovery, things start to click that trauma is over and PTSD inherently is referencing an event that has already passed. Trauma sucks. Severe chronic trauma SUCKS, but that's the past and - while its a LOT more difficult than it is to just say - that past REALLY doesn't have to define the present even a quarter as much as trauma makes it feel.

Of course, I understand and get those who feel like DID is horrible and a hell disorder - I 10000% understand that and its a valid feeling / opinion / statement to make, but to claim that it is impossible to have fun, be happy, and make casual content and just genuinely make the best out of a shit situation; or to claim that anyone with DID would be totally dysfunctional and miserable and unable to do XYZ - it's just... really self depricating and a huge negative self fulfilling prophecy don't you think? Also not to mention a LOT of projecting?

Other people don't deserve you forcing your self loathing and pain onto them. You are allowed to hate your situation, you are allowed to hate your disorder, you are allowed to feel and think and experience your experiences however you want, but a line is drawn when it comes to displacing that hatred, those feelings, those thoughts, and those experiences onto others and demand that they should meet your standards of misery.

I apologize, but I'm not going to pretend like DID stresses me out when I'm really not stressed by it anymore because most of our regular parts are actually decently connected and coordinated with one another. I'm not scared of them and they aren't scared of me. I'm not fighting them and they aren't fighting me. We got trauma but we also got, ya know, a life going and the trauma gets less and less prevalent and intrusive as time goes on so, life's honestly pretty lit and I really love to see other systems heading in that direction.

I think everyone should aim to be happy and at peace with their disorder. I don't understand, empathize, or support the idea that someone had to meet a standard of misery to be "real".

(TW: suicidal ideation and physical abuse mention)

If I take medication that makes it so I don't scrub my hands raw and have panic attacks over having not eaten a salad "recently" thus meaning I am going to rot from the inside out and die, does that mean I am faking having OCD? If I take medication and improve my life so that I only pluck my hair once a month, is my Trichitillomania faked? If I stop having suicidal ideation, does that mean I was faking being suicidal the whole time? If I stop having bruises, does that mean I faked being beaten as a kid?

(TW cleared)

Recovery and peace should and does not ever invalidate the truth of the pain suffered and the struggle overcome. Happiness and joy can co-exist with the truth of hurt, pain and suffering.

Trying to hold the two as mutually exclusive is a huge part of why a lot of people get stuck being miserable. If misery is vital for honoring your pain as real, it is very hard to let that go and let yourself be happy again, because if you are happy, what will attest to give your pain justice? But pain, justice, misery, and happiness - they can all co-exist and honestly, that's a really important thing to learn and understand in my healing journey as it really opens up doors to letting trauma go.

Your pain doesn't define your truth.

Your truth is your truth.

It will stay true regardless of if the pain persists or leaves.

#alter: riku #ptsd #c-ptsd #cptsd #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #ocd #physical abuse mention #recovery #healing #syscourse #discourse

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butchhamlet · 10 months

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hi :) i don't know if it's really my place to say since i'm not sure if i actually have ocd or not; but as someone who's struggled with a lot of horrible taboo intrusive thoughts, guilt, rumination spirals and possibly trich this summer your ocd hamlet post really resonated with me.

i've been rereading hamlet and hamlet being an ocd sufferer just reframes so much of his acting and his “antic disposition”. to me it feels like he’s putting on masks upon masks upon masks not just because he NEEDS the control (if it’s all an act it means i don’t actually want to hurt anyone right? if i’m pretending to be insane i’m not actually insane?) but also because he’s afraid of being known. like my deepest fear is probably anyone knowing the extent of my intrusive thoughts and the things i feel guilty about and obsess over. so if he says all this nonsense nobody will know what’s happening in his mind—which i guess was probably the original intention anyway, the idea that claudius wouldn’t suspect him of treason if he acted insane, but i think it still fits.

there’s also his first soliloquy, “o, that this too [solid/sullied/sallied] flesh would melt, / thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!” i like the reading of “sullied” because it really highlights that feeling of being contaminated. hamlet feels tainted by the immorality in the danish court, but if we’re going by the ocd reading, he also feels tainted by the horrible intrusive thoughts and obsessions he has (tying in with what you’d said about him having sexual intrusive thoughts rather than um. an o*dipus complex.) the disgust towards the flesh can also be related to physical compulsions like body repetitive behaviours (e.g. skin picking).

this one is a bit “trust me bro” but the “i have of late, but wherefore i know not, lost all my mirth…” line is just. exactly what my experience was. i’ve always had intrusive thoughts, but one afternoon everything just Went Downhill and suddenly i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a couple weeks. i’d be normal for a while before it all started happening again. again, i know in the play he DOES know why he “lost all his mirth”—he saw his father’s ghost—but well.

the famous scene where he yells at ophelia too feels so striking. “get thee to a nunnery. why wouldst thou / be a breeder of sinners?” feels like such a PERSONAL fear of raising a child or being responsible for another life. obviously this isn’t unique to ocd but i imagine for people who have taboo themes (harm ocd, scrupulosity ocd, especially pocd) it’s especially prominent. i feel like the word “sinners” is really important because someone with moral/scrupulosity/religion-related ocd would be very preoccupied about the idea of sinning, and that guilt is something you would never wish on anyone, least of all a child. (HE wouldn't know this, but ocd has genetic factors so even though i don't know if i have it, the possibility of passing this guilt and anxiety on puts me off ever having kids even more).

that ties in to the next lines too: he says, “i am myself indifferent honest, but yet / i could accuse me of such things that it were better my / mother had not borne me. …. what should fellows such as i do / crawling between heaven and earth?” hamlet admits himself he’s “indifferent honest”—rationally he’s probably not the Worst Person In The World Ever—but in the next lines he does seem to consider himself the Worst Person In The World Ever. that kind of all or nothing thinking (small mistakes puts you in the same category as the worst, most morally repugnant criminals) is apparently really common in real event ocd. (https://ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/) hamlet goes on to list everything wrong with him (“i am very proud, revengeful, ambitious…”) which itself feels so much like an intrusive thought. that self-condemnation just feels like he's trying to cover up his anxieties about not being a good person but telling everyone he's not a good person so nobody gets the wrong idea. (he's not an inherently bad person, but he can't possibly convince himself of this because what if he believes that and he starts doing bad things? what if not beating himself up makes him lose control and become even worse? better keep suffering to keep himself in check.)

sorry for clogging up your inbox!! i really wanted to put this out there somewhere but i didn’t want to put it out on my blog since i’ve never really talked about potentially having ocd (? i don’t seem to ALWAYS have it maybe i was just going through a rough patch mid 2023). again i don’t have a diagnosis or anything i’m just going by my own experience and hopefully i’d read enough about it for this to not be way off—though please correct me if i am!! hope you’re having a really nice day, thanks for reading this if you made it all the way through :)

!!! i'm so glad the post resonated with you! honestly, i've gotten some of the sweetest messages about that post from people who saw themselves reflected it in it, which is astonishing to me because i wrote it basically for myself. so it makes me very happy that it means something to you :]

not just because he NEEDS the control (if it’s all an act it means i don’t actually want to hurt anyone right? if i’m pretending to be insane i’m not actually insane?) but also because he’s afraid of being known. like my deepest fear is probably anyone knowing the extent of my intrusive thoughts and the things i feel guilty about and obsess over

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH! i sometimes catch myself having the paranoid thought that people around me can read my mind--i don't actually believe this, but i have a simmering fear of my Worst Thoughts sort of seeping out of me, so reframing hamlet in this light is. ohhhhh man. and sullied really is such a good word for it! the stains! the contamination! miasma theory was right <- JOKE

(also, "if i'm pretending to be insane, i'm not actually insane, right?" is the kind of thought that ocd will chase in CIRCLES, my god.)

i’ve always had intrusive thoughts, but one afternoon everything just Went Downhill and suddenly i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a couple weeks. i’d be normal for a while before it all started happening again

BTW ANON THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT AGE 14. SHAKING YOUR HAND. DOING A FANCY CODED HANDSHAKE WITH YOU. it really can get so much drastically better or worse at once and it's often (in my experience) hard to tell why, but even when it's not hard to tell why--i think the reasons for Losing His Mirth can be multiple. like, my OCD always gets way worse when i'm stressed about unrelated things. i can see a hamlet whose father's death pushes him over the edge into his worst-ever symptom flare, which exacerbates the grief, which exacerbates the obsessions, which...

i feel like the word “sinners” is really important because someone with moral/scrupulosity/religion-related ocd would be very preoccupied about the idea of sinning, and that guilt is something you would never wish on anyone, least of all a child. (HE wouldn't know this, but ocd has genetic factors so even though i don't know if i have it, the possibility of passing this guilt and anxiety on puts me off ever having kids even more).

YEAH. GOD. OH, MAN. anon your fucking MIND. (i personally read hamlet as having religious components to his OCD; this is at least in part me projecting lol but i think there's evidence throughout the play that he is a deeply religiously conflicted person, & this line is part of that.)

(he's not an inherently bad person, but he can't possibly convince himself of this because what if he believes that and he starts doing bad things? what if not beating himself up makes him lose control and become even worse? better keep suffering to keep himself in check.)

ocd will literally be like "okay so i'm not allowed to believe i'm a good person because if i let myself off the hook for one second i will become complacent and self-justifying and then become a bad person. could this possibly be maladaptive and self-harmful thinking? no, it's the everyone else who is wrong."

AND ABSOLUTELY DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ANYTHING! i fucking LOVE talking about ocd hamlet this ask was SUCH a delight to receive. me clicking on this and seeing how long it was

also tbh anon it sounds like you are definitely having symptoms that could be grouped under OCD, and ultimately diagnostic labels are just the words we apply to groups of symptoms. which is to say, i can't armchair-diagnose you, but looking into coping skills/tips for OCD might help whether you "have" it or not!

thank YOU my comrade for the brilliant thoughts and analysis :3

#max.txt #asks #also i did have a good day. woooooooooo #hamlet #ocd hamlet #< need to start tagging this. for my archives

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seokjins-luigi · 2 years

Text

simple thing | part one | ksj

・summary: seven years ago, you left seokjin to pursue your dreams abroad. you promised to come back to him, but your pride prevented you from doing so. now, he resents you and all you have left is regret.

・release date: jan 8 - 6 pm (GMT-3)

・A/N: there it is :) i'm really excited to tell this story! as always, you feedback is highly appreciated!

・word count: 6.081

・banner: made by the amazing @gfxstdio

・permanent taglist: @goldenhoney-cas @yuugehn

・series taglist: @bri-mal @firesighgirl

“Oh, ______, imagine when it’s your turn”, you heard the dreamy tone in your best friend’s voice and almost laughed.

“I think you should open yourself up to the possibility of never being my maid of honor, because it’s extremely unlikely that I’ll ever get married”, you answered as you stared at your own reflection in the mirror, pleased with the adjustments made on your gown for the upcoming event. “Deep down, you know that”.

“Well, it’s not like you have no options, bitch. You just don’t allow anyone in your life ever since you came back”, Haewon counters, her voice coming from behind you, but you know her eyes are also on your gown. “Aw, you look so beautiful in it, _____. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but-”.

Her voice cracks and you turn around only to find your best friend with her face buried in her hands, obviously breaking the promise she’d made to herself. You understand where this is coming from and can’t help yourself when you feel your own eyes welling up as you wrap your mind around what’s really happening here.

Haewon is finally getting married to the love of her life. You already knew that, of course, but seeing yourself in the dress you’d wear on your best friend’s wedding, a day the two of you had dreamed about for so long, with all the adjustments and fittings done filled your heart with so much love, so much selfless happiness.

“You’re such a fucking softie! Come here…” You manage to say with an unstable voice, as you wrapped your arms around your lifelong best friend. “I’m so happy for you, Haewon-ah!”

“Ugh, I’m so fucking happy I can’t even put into words. But I’m also so nervous at the same time”, she sniffs, wiping the tears away from her eyes delicately so she wouldn’t smudge her mascara. “Like, intrusive thoughts keep getting in the way, what if Yoongi simply says ‘no’?”

“Ha! As if!” You let out a sincere laugh, smiling softly at her as you continue. “This is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard you say”.

“Aren’t you gonna reassure me saying that Yoongi loves me more than anything or something?” She asks in a wobbly voice.

Which is funny, because in front of you stands one of the most confident women you know. You guess being a bride does mess with your brain.

“Do I really have to?”

“Not really”, she answers shyly, as if coming to the most obvious conclusion ever. She continues, trying to get off this specific subject. “And you… Especially in this dress, will definitely get yourself a hookup and live the drama of your dreams at your best friend’s wedding, have you thought of that? I think Kitae is single, by the way”.

“My god… You were crying two seconds ago thinking about the possibility of Yoongi leaving you, now you’re telling me about Hwang Kitae’s love life status… What happens inside this brain of yours, Haewon-ah?!” You poke her head playfully with your pointer finger. “Can’t I just look forward to enjoying the party or something? I can get a hookup any other time of the year”, you reply, automatically rolling your eyes at her.

She bursts out laughing, knowing very well it would annoy the shit out of you. She simply doesn’t understand that you have priorities in life and getting laid was not number one on that list. Not that you don’t want to get laid or flirt with hot guys, of course you do. But you have so many responsibilities at the university, not only are you a new professor, but as the Department Chair of the Paleontological faculty of one the top universities in Seoul. You’ve been invited back to your country to take up the position and you couldn’t be more honored with the invitation, you didn't even second guess your choice to leave the lab you had been working in China. The endless hours you’ve spent in libraries studying your ass off, at the lab or out at fieldwork were worth it and you finally got the job of your dreams.

Since you returned to South Korea relatively recently, it’s harder to get your social life back on track. And it’s not like the piles of paperwork you need to do every week will just work themselves, so you don’t have much time to spend flirting.

And it’s fine, you love what you do.

“Well… You know he’s gonna be there”, Haewon suggests with a suspicious wiggle of her eyebrows.

“Yeah, I know, Haewon-ah!” You stare at her for one second, then continue, a little too short on your patience than you’d care to admit. “Can’t you just leave my love life alone for a holy second?”

“I’m just saying, love. Don’t be mad at me”, she raises her hands, in sign of peace and you sigh. “I just feel like it’s good to emphasize that you’ll be seeing Seokjin in a couple of days. It can get awkward or uncomfortable, or make you feel bad, I just want you to prepare yourself mentally to go through it with beauty and grace, at least”.

Kim Seokjin is a touchy subject for you. A touchy subject you preferred to avoid for the past two years of your life, but, unfortunately, you wouldn’t be able to postpone this for much longer.

The mere image of Seokjin on your brain was enough to stir your insides up. Thinking about seeing him again makes you want to run away from Korea once more, leaving everything behind, just like you did 7 years ago. If it wasn’t Haewon’s wedding, you might as well have just done that.

But some things are better dealt with when faced with spontaneity and this is the plan you mean to follow when facing him after 7 years apart. The plan is: you will see.

“Yeah, I know”, you turn your gaze towards the mirror once again, taking in how good you look in the gown. At least, when you meet him again, you’ll look gorgeous. “It’ll be fine. Care to help me with this zipper?”

Something you couldn’t mention to Haewon was the fact that being a maid of honor was stressful as hell, but you could vent out about it to Hoseok, your other best friend. You did that pretty frequently, you might add.

That’s what friends are for, right?

“I swear to god, Hoseok!” Laying on your bed, you avow in a dramatic, but honest tone. “Chaewon is gonna try to start some drama on the wedding day, I know that devil pretty well. And honestly, I don’t know what to do to prevent it”.

“Can’t we just uninvite her?” He asks, laughing on the other end.

“I’d love to, but Haewon wants to give her a chance”, you stare calmly at your ceiling as you speak to your friend. “Yoongi told me that I shouldn’t allow her to give a speech, quoting: ‘under no circumstances’”, you try to make an impression of his raspy, low voice. “I wouldn’t let her touch the mic anyways, but having the groom to back me up makes everything easier”.

“Yah, _____, you shouldn’t worry so much! We’re all gonna be there to help you manage that dragon”, he answers you, giggling softly after calling the bride’s half sister a dragon. “And about that, when I say “we’re all gonna be there”, I mean, all of us. Including Seokj-”

“I know that, Hoseok”, you cut him short. “You guys really don’t have to bring him up every time we speak to each other, ok?”

“Ok… Sorry”, he replies tonelessly. “I just felt like I could point it out, since we’re all staying at the same hotel. But, anyways, go get some sleep, it’s pretty late”.

That’s the best thing about being best friends with an Aquarius sun, they will respect your boundaries no matter how wrong they think you are. You know he, just like Haewon, thinks you should face the problem, but he knows you are a grown ass woman and he just doesn’t even try to press the matter. He just leaves you be.

You check the time on your phone and he’s right. It’s 12:12 am and, unfortunately, your work at the university has turned you into an early riser.

“You too, Seok Seok, make sure to get some rest after lending your ear to my stressed self. Good night”, trying to soften your voice, feeling a faint pang of guilt on your chest for being rude to him.

“Night, sweetums”.

You hang up and throw your phone somewhere on your bed, rolling away from it to try to clear your mind. Could Haewon and Hoseok be right about Seokjin?

Like, do you need to prepare yourself before meeting him again after so long? But then again, how could you even begin to prepare yourself for something like that?

It wasn’t like you didn’t have to see his face every so often on your tv. You did. In fact, he’s the reason you haven’t kept up with the drama releases in the past few years, since he’s been the lead on so many. Yes, you know you’re the one who left, but it didn’t mean you left because you had no feelings for him, you were just scared. You’re human, after all, you’re allowed to regret.

But life finds a way and so do you. You fall asleep not long after reaching that conclusion, but tonight, you couldn’t avoid seeing Seokjin in your dreams.

That’s what friends are for, right?

“Can’t we just uninvite her?” He asks, laughing on the other end.

“I know that, Hoseok”, you cut him short. “You guys really don’t have to bring him up every time we speak to each other, ok?”

“Ok… Sorry”, he replies tonelessly. “I just felt like I could point it out, since we’re all staying at the same hotel. But, anyways, go get some sleep, it’s pretty late”.

You check the time on your phone and he’s right. It’s 12:12 am and, unfortunately, your work at the university has turned you into an early riser.

“Night, sweetums”.

You hang up and throw your phone somewhere on your bed, rolling away from it to try to clear your mind. Could Haewon and Hoseok be right about Seokjin?

Like, do you need to prepare yourself before meeting him again after so long? But then again, how could you even begin to prepare yourself for something like that?

But life finds a way and so do you. You fall asleep not long after reaching that conclusion, but tonight, you couldn’t avoid seeing Seokjin in your dreams.

As the day of the big event approached, you started packing slowly, since you hated packing for trips. You were in no position to complain, since Yoongi basically rented the whole hotel for the wedding guests. Like, it’s not a mediocre kind of hotel, it’s one of the best hotels in Daegu. He insisted on hosting the wedding in his home city and Haewon didn’t oppose to it, since she is from the capital and they live there already.

Hoseok went to Daegu before you, by plane. You preferred to take a car trip, since it wasn’t such a long journey from Seoul to Daegu. You do love driving, so it’s a good chance to take some time and do something you love for a change. Plus, you think it’s good to have your own car with you while you’re there, because if you need to rush with any last minute details for the wedding, you wouldn’t have to depend on anything other than yourself.

When you remember your best friend is about to marry one of the most famous rappers from Korea, you always smile. Like, everything turned out the way it was supposed to be. She was a big lawyer, he was a big artist. Hoseok, also known as J-Hope was the one who introduced them, since Yoongi and him were under the same label. You were away for years, doing what you have always dreamed to do.Namjoon, a friend you don’t get to see as often, because he’s always super busy, became a very relevant art curator known worldwide for his work. Seokjin became Korea's favorite heartthrob.

Things changed a lot since you were all young and in high school making all those plans. It took you a few hours, but with these thoughts keeping you company, the car trip to Yoongi’s hometown went flying.

The hotel your friend’s fiance booked for his guests couldn’t be more opulent, you were in awe the moment you first laid your eyes on its front. Tall gray walls rose against the Daegu sky, with several glossy windows reflecting the city lights. On the top floor, you can see a gigantic swimming pool that would be delightfully pleasant for you on these hot summer days.

After parking your car in the hotel facilities, you checked yourself in and rushed to your room. Laying in your bed’s comfortable white sheets, ordering something nice from the hotel’s restaurant and having the night to relax. You were very happy to find out you could access your Netflix account while there, so you chose a random romantic comedy movie to chill while you ate.

“Don’t you have any other friends, Haewon-ah? Why does it have to be me?” You uttered loudly, lowering your face in the direction of the sink, where your phone rested against the counter while you washed your face, still a bit slow due to the early hours.

“Will it kill you, _____?” You hear Haewon’s voice coming as loud as yours from the speaker of your phone.

“Yeah, probably!” You affirmed and gestured as if she could see you. “Ugh, doesn’t Yoongi have any friends to ask for stuff? What’s the point of being famous if you can’t ask favors from important people?”

“If you think about it, you’re kind of important too… You’re the most relevant paleontologist in South Korea right now”, you can see in your mind’s eye the expression on her face as she strokes your ego with this particular comment.

You’re not usually a very narcissistic person, but when it comes to your professional life… You kind of are. Haewon knows that and she, sometimes, uses that in her own favor.

“Yeah, well, long story short is: I don't want to!” You stare at your reflection for a second in order to help you think about something else to say. “Can’t Chanyeol go?”

“No, he can’t”, she answers dryly. “Don’t be a fucking child, _____. I know you have nothing important to do today and I’m asking you for a favor”.

She is right, you have nothing to do this afternoon. You wanted to chill some more by the pool, but you know she will just laugh at you if you say that. You have no other excuses to give her, there’s apparently no way out of this.

“Can't this guy just call an Uber or something?” You try for the last time.

“_____, he’s stopped the shootings of his next movie in freaking Japan to come to my wedding, I can’t just leave him and greet him like any other guest” Yeah, she has a point. You don’t really show it, but you agree with her. Seokjin has always been a considerate friend, damn him for that. “And you two are gonna have to talk to each other in a few hours anyways, can’t you try to make it a little less uncomfortable? We’re all staying at the same fucking hotel. I think if you two meet alone before the rehearsal dinner, it will be easier to deal with each other’s presence. You’re my maid of honor, _____”.

You knew since day one that, as a maid of honor, you’d have many obligations in your friend’s wedding and when you accepted to be Haewon’s maid of honor, you were counting on being bothered with all sorts of requests from her. Even your assistant, Jeon Jungkook, helped every once in a while when you were too busy at the university. But honestly? The only thing you didn't see coming was having to pick Kim Seokjin up at the airport. All by yourself.

Apparently god, the gods or whoever runs the skies or whatever has a very controversial sense of humor. And this thing enjoyed putting you in all sorts of embarrassing situations. Because, come on, having to pick up your ex-boyfriend of years, who you broke up with to go study abroad and who also happened to be very hurt by the breakup at the time, at the fucking international airport was a fucking joke. If you saw it coming, you’d have joined Hoseok on the airplane.

Sighing in defeat, you finally ask your best friend.

“What time do I fucking have to be there?”

You drove to the airport with The Seeds of Love blasting through the sound system of your car, singing along to each and every single one of the songs, in a desperate attempt to calm yourself the fuck down. It worked to a certain degree, but you were still feeling the annoying, but familiar sensation inside of you.

When you parked the car in the airport’s parking lot, you had to fight the urge to vomit and to run away at the same time. You know that seeing Seokjin for the first time in years will definitely mess with you in ways you didn’t even want to imagine.

You don’t particularly enjoy this sensation, to feel extremely lost into someone, but also utterly vulnerable. That’s why you didn’t keep your word. That’s why you didn’t look for him when you came back. Being with him always made you feel like there’s no one else in the world, apart from him. It was a sensation like no other, loving someone with your whole heart and soul, but the vulnerability that necessarily comes with it doesn’t really sit well with you. It doesn’t even suit you anymore.

Also, deep down, you knew he had already moved on and it was incredibly naive of you to think a man like Seokjin would be single for long. To make matters worse, he is an actor, for god’s sake. He would never wait for you, when he has the chance to be with people who are completely out of your league, but totally into his league.

That’s why the best option for you was just to move on with your own ordinary, academic life. Find someone nice and as ordinary as you, Seokjin and you don't belong in the same world anymore and that’s fine. That’s how life works. Things aren’t unchangeable and so aren’t people.

With your mind racing, you tried the breathing exercise your psychologist taught before leaving the car, but the magic didn’t work this time around. You couldn’t stop thinking and speculating about how'd you really feel when you finally laid your eyes on him.

Your legs dragged you into the arrivals area, as your eyes scanned the place in hopes of finding Seokjin before he found you. You didn’t arrive at the airport much earlier than you should have, because you knew that you’d be anxious as fuck, which didn’t give you much time to only think or speculate how you’d feel when your eyes lay on Seokjin’s after so long. You found out pretty soon, when unexpectedly you saw his brown, almond shaped eyes staring directly at yours, as soon as the doors from arrival opened. It’s like after all this time, he still found you in a crowded room no matter what.

For a couple of seconds, it felt like everybody else in the world was out of focus and Seokjin was everything you could see. He came walking towards you, his face remained in a stoic expression and you desperately tried to recompose yourself, more on the inside than on the outside, since you’ve always been good at hiding your feelings. It felt so surreal seeing him, after he became a celebrity, after you left him to pursue your dreams, so many things have happened and so much has changed in the meantime. Each step he takes in your direction, makes you realize it was all real.

He is there in front of you, Kim Seokjin, in flash and bones. He still looked the same as he looked seven years ago, the same striking beauty that always made you think you were the luckiest woman in the world. You really were.

He was wearing an oversized black sweatshirt and also a pair of oversized blue jeans, he looks so fucking cool it hurts. His hair is longer than he used to have back then, but you really think the longer hair suits him very well. You almost hate him for looking so effortlessly handsome.

You tried giving him a half smile, because the fact that he didn’t react in any way to your presence made you feel nervous. He didn’t smile back, though as he got closer, he bowed to you. Simply bowed, as if you were just an ordinary acquaintance.

Gulping, you bowed back at him.

“Seokjin-ssi, hi! Wow, it’s been so long”, you tried, in a desperate attempt to make the situation less awkward.

He pressed his lips together and nodded, not really looking you in the eyes right now. Yeah, he probably still hates you. Great! Did you really have to mention it’s been long? Of course it’s been long since the last time you’ve seen each other and it’s all thanks to you. You’re so bad at small talk.

Why did you allow Haewon convince you to do this, for god’s sake?

“Er- Shall we, then?” You ask him, the silliest and most awkward smile still hanging on your lips.

“Lead the way”, he replies and hearing the sound of his velvety voice for the first time makes you quiver on the inside.

“Do you…N-Need any help with your baggage?” You felt like a teenager trying to talk to her high school crush, stuttering like that.

“Oh no, I got it”, he denies and nods his head no, his black hair moving like silk against the wind. “Er- Thanks, though”.

He sounded a tiny bit less cold, which made you feel 0,1% better. You’ll need a very long hot bath to relax after this, you know for sure. You turned without trying to say anything else and made your way towards your car silently, listening to him following you in a safe distance. Your mind was racing trying to find a way to have light small talk with him, because the awkward silence you were forced to share with him right now made you feel like crying.

The weather? Fuck no. Soccer? You don’t care for sports. Politics? You’re not sure of his political opinions nowadays. No silly or light comments came to your mind and trying to mention the wedding would be too obviously a desperate attempt and Seokjin wasn’t stupid.

You helped him accommodate his belongings in the trunk of your car almost in silence, only exchanging a few words about the car and you were ready to get in and endure the longest car ride from the airport to the hotel.

However, he surprised you when you heard his voice meeting your ears.

“Good to know you came back, ______-ssi”, then, Seokjin opened the car door and took his seat.

Ok, so, he wants to do this. Better than giving you the silent treatment all the way to the hotel, you figured. You follow him on the inside of your car and try giving him another half smile, obviously trying to show him you wanted this to go as smoothly as possible.

“Yes, I’m back”, you laugh nervously as you start the car. “It’s been two ye-”.

“I know”, he cuts you off. “I know it’s been two years”.

You know he knows. You have friends in common, who have obviously mentioned that you came back to Korea, at some point. You’ve always known this conversation would happen, but as much as you tried to prepare yourself for this moment, you realized you couldn't truly be prepared for it.

“Oh”, that’s all you managed to say.

This is the only man you’ve ever loved in your entire life. Finally confronting you after you left. Looking at his eyes, they burned with resentment. You understand his reasons, of course you do. You left him after he proposed to you right after college, to follow your dreams, to become who you are today. You loved him, but you’d never give up on your dreams for anyone and you also didn’t want him to give up on his dreams because of you. His career was starting to take off when you got the scholarship in China and he offered to leave everything behind to go with you.

But you said no to him.

It hurt like hell to do so, of course it did. You loved him, but because you loved him you couldn’t tell him it was ok to give up on his dreams, on his career, on his life to be with you in another country for god knows how many years. Because you loved him, you couldn’t be selfish. That’s why you left, but it didn’t matter how many times you tried to explain your reasons to him, he would never fully understand.

“If I remember correctly, you said you’d come and look for me when you came back”, he raised his brows as he said it softly, disguising his rancor. “What happened? Was it hard to track me down or something?”

He knew it wasn’t, since he’s one of Korea’s sweethearts right now.

“Very funny, Seokjin”, you sigh, looking at the road, trying your best to stay focused on the traffic.

“Yeah, I’ve always managed to make you laugh, right? Good thing I’ve built my career in show business, huh?” You felt his eyes burning where they touched you, as he fixed his gaze on your side profile. “But let me try a different approach. Why didn’t you keep your word? All these years, I… have waited for you, _____”.

“Did you, though?” You glance at his figure for a second and you see his eyes widening, then you turn your full attention back to the road ahead of you. “It wasn't like you’ve been single these past few years, you know? How did you expect me to come back years later, begging you to give me another chance after reading all about your flings with your coworkers all this time?”

He laughs humorlessly and when you don’t follow him, he asks you lowly.

“Are you serious?”

“Why would I not be?” You pinch your eyebrows as you reply to his question with another one.

“You tell me”, he scoffs, running his hands through his hair, then sighs loudly. “And don’t try to change the focus here. I asked you a question first”

“Seokjin, I…”, your voice trails off and you simply stop trying to find something to say.

Does he really need you to confess that you were scared that, after all those years, you were afraid of getting rejected? Doesn’t it go without saying? When you left, everything was different. Seokjin has always attracted the attention of, basically, everyone. He has always had unmatched visuals, an unique sense of humor, charisma, intelligence, morals. It took you such a long time to build your trust on him and on your relationship, because in the beginning, you’d compare yourself to everyone who approached him, scared he’d realize he could do so much better with other people, who were prettier, smarter, funnier than with you. Does he really need you to say that you just got scared all over again?

“Why didn’t you come find me when you came back, ______-ssi, like you promised?” He stressed the last word out as he spoke slowly, clearly annoyed by your silence.

“Things… changed”, you declared hesitantly, taking the easy road on your way to avoid focusing this too much on your feelings. “Haven’t they?”

“Not for me”, he replies without even wincing, then he adds. “Why? Have they changed for you?”

They haven’t, actually. You wish you could just tell him everything, like you used to. Just let him know how you really feel, how insecure you felt all the times you thought about calling him or even going after him in person. But how could you? Time does, in fact, change things. As much as two people wish for things to stay the same, they hardly ever do.

What you really wanted after all these years was just to throw yourself into Seokjin’s arms and find the comfort no one else has been able to give you ever since. If only he knew how much you craved him and how difficult it was to be inside of your car right now, where his perfume filled the whole space and almost made you intoxicated with longing.

You wish you were a little more selfish, so you’d just ignore the fact that everything happened the way it did and just throw yourself into his arms, not giving a shit about what comes next.

But you aren’t selfish, at least, not when it comes to Kim Seokjin.

With your mind racing, you hesitate before you’re able to form a coherent sentence in your brain and he notices.

“Ok, I see how it is, ______”, his head snaps in your direction again, even though you got your eyes focused on the road, you feel his eyes on you. “You’re seeing someone, aren’t you? Of course you are, for fuck’s sake. Of course you’ve found someone after all these years…”

If only he knew you’d compared every guy you met all this time to him, he’d laugh so hard, he’d probably get hiccups. You haven’t been able to establish true connections with anyone else ever since you left him, unlike him, who’s been involved in several dating rumors during these past few years. You know because you read all of the details from every single one of them, while the only dates you had ended up being on night stands with random guys you met in bars.

“No, I’m not”, you coldly reply, turning your face into his direction for a split second, just to see the surprise taking over his face.

“You’re not seeing anyone, then?” He allows the words to roll off his tongue slowly, repeating the question he asked you a few seconds ago, only this time the disbelief was obvious in his tone.

“No”.

Seokjin crosses his arms in front of his chest and breathes through his nose loudly. Maybe this was as uncomfortable to him as it was to you. You just couldn’t wrap your head around why he’d want to do this after all this time, both of you had said everything there was to be said back then. There just isn’t a reason for you to go through this all over again, fortunately, you aren’t far from his hotel now. You soon would be away from him all over again, safely hidden at your hotel room, where you could cry all night long, until the gigantic lump in your throat disappeared. Mostly because you’d try to forget about it with a relatively expensive bottle of wine.

After a brief moment of silence, he starts again.

“I just… Need to hear you saying why”, he turned to you as he spoke and it sounded like he was on the verge of crying.

Knowing you made him suffer has been something that prevented you from sleeping every once in a while and a lot of times you ended the nights hating yourself for it. You hate yourself for causing all of this. You just wish life was easier, you wish you could have everything you want, you wish you could have had a brilliant career and Seokjin at the same time.

After all these years, the truth is he doesn’t need you anymore. He’s famous, he can have anyone he wants. You just wish he could understand that and that it was the sacrifice you decided to make on his behalf. You want him to be happy, not stuck with you and your unexciting academic career.

“I really don’t know, Seokjin. There’s no… specific reason, I guess”, you gazed at him as you summoned the strength to continue. “I just think it doesn’t make sense to me anymore”.

It obviously is harder than you think, because you know none of it is true. You’re just a coward, you just avoided him these two past years, because you were scared of being permanently dumped. You guess you preferred the what if, than to really just let Seokjin go. You were not ready to let him go, he’s always been your haven, your safe place, even after the two of you broke up. He’s your favorite memory.

And it was better to have his memory untouched, than spoiling it with real life and getting dumped because he was having the time of his life as a famous actor, fucking god knows who.

“What doesn’t make sense?” He queries you almost in a whisper.

“Us”, you reply in the same tone. It takes every ounce of strength in you, but you lie again.

You don’t see it, but his eyes darken the minute your words meet his ears like a sucker punch to his stomach.

He takes in a deep breath and seconds later, your car is filled with his low, deeper voice.

“So, you’re saying that everything we lived together, everything we shared… The promises both of us made to each other… None of it makes sense to you anymore?”

Judging by the way he just asked you this, you were slowly starting to realize that, perhaps, it all still makes sense to him, just like it still makes sense to you. Perhaps, he’s been waiting for you to return, like you promised. Just like Haewon and Hoseok had foreseen it, but you refused to believe it. Because you are a fucking coward, the worst kind. You lie to people and you lie to yourself in a desperate attempt to protect your pride.

It was far too late to change your mind now. Specially, after the way he spoke to you now. You know he’s deeply hurt and things will, in fact, never be the same again.

You can’t even think about anything to say. You aren’t mentally able to tell him again that you think your history simply doesn’t make sense, the kind of love you and Seokjin have for each other doesn’t just stop making sense.

“You know what, ______-ssi? Nevermind” He breaks the silence, but his voice is still a little louder than just a whisper. “I thought I could do this, but it’s impossible to have this type of conversation like this. Can you please stop this car!? I’ll call myself an Uber”.

“What?” You ask him, dumbfounded. “I’m not gonna just drop you on the side of the road, we’re almost there-”.

“I’ll be fine”, he cuts you off dryly and louder than before. “I’ve been fine without you these past seven years of my life, it’s not like I need you anyways”.

Okay, you deserve to hear that. Your brain goes into code red and you’re very happy that you’re a good driver, because you know you can’t fully function right now. You open your mouth in an attempt to argue against his request, but no sound comes out of it.

“Seriously, ______. Stop this car”, he demands, this time around.

Your feet automatically hit the brakes, just like he told you to, stopping the car by the sidewalk. You’re still taking it all in. You imagined this wouldn’t end well, but you even surprised yourself with how bad it actually ended, all thanks to you, of course.

“Please, just send my baggage to my room when you get there”, he sneers, his eyes glued on your figure and you can’t muster up the courage to look into his eyes.

He opens the door and gets out of your car calmly, then closes the door delicately. That’s the scariest part of it all, Seokjin is the confronting type, he doesn’t take shit from people and he didn’t even want to continue talking with the conversation, there was no closure. He just cut you off. He couldn’t bear being in the same space as you. Saying the shit you said was probably the final nail to this coffin and as much as you hate admitting it to yourself, you were the one who dug this grave. You followed his figure with your eyes as he distanced himself from your car, not even once looking back.

He is now totally free to move on with his life, as he’s supposed to. He’s rich, beautiful, talented, charismatic, funny, relevant, famous. You don’t belong with him anymore and that’s fine. Some people aren’t made to be together and it is fine.

It actually isn’t fine, not at all, but you’ll learn how to live with it. You’re just happy to know he’ll live his life to the fullest now, after burying his past with you.

Lucky you driving has calming effects on you, so you play your sad girl vibe playlist and drive back to your place, as tears rolled down your cheeks.

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aspd-culture · 2 years

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do you have any suggestions or advice for people with ASPD who experience strong homicidal thoughts (or thoughts about acts of strong violence in general)? I feel like this topic is already so rarely talked about, and even when it is most resources focus on people struggling with intrusive thoughts, not genuine fantasies. (just to clarify: not in crisis or actually planning to do anything, just annoyed of constantly thinking about this). People usually just say to “get help”, but I’ve been getting help for years now and nothing has changed.

To be honest, most of my current coping mechanisms for violent thoughts are unhealthy but not destructive (most often w**d which is legal where I am and/alcohol), so I don't recommend them. I agree that getting help for these types of thoughts is extremely difficult, especially while balancing the dreaded "danger to yourself or others" mandated reporter line. I do have some ideas, though.

Check google to see if there is a "wreck room" of some kind around you. These are safe places with safety practices and PPE that exist to allow people to take out aggressive anger on items (aka smash things) in ways that are not destructive to your or other's property or person. These are showing up more and more nowadays as we realize that this outlet can be done healthily if people are given the access and tools to do it in a healthy way. While it isn't the same as hurting someone, it stimulates many of the same parts of the brain. Also, doing it in a wreck room means you don't have to do the cleanup. Major bonus there.

If you can't afford that but have things you can break and a safe area you're willing to fully clean later, you can do the same type of thing at home. Make sure you always wear PPE like goggles and gloves, and if you are doing it outside make sure anything a child or animal running through your yard (even if you don't have kids or animals, kids wander and strays exist) is fully cleaned up. Please inform the people you live with if you take this method, as it can be scary to walk in on this type of thing and you could get the cops called on you if you don't inform them. Lie if you have to: "my friend needs broken pieces of XYZ for an art project", "this is really bulky and took up too much space in the garbage can so I'm breaking it down", or the ever iconic "my ex gave it to me", for example.

I sometimes find other replacement behaviors via video games like COD and Apex Legends helpful, but they don't always help everyone.

Punching bags are one of my preferred replacement behaviors, but they are often expensive and difficult to set up, making them inaccessible.

Watching violent movies or documentaries or true crime podcasts on real violent crimes often helps me, but that kind of thing makes things worse for some people.

Gross motor activities like walking, running, swimming, etc can be helpful as they stimulate similar parts of the brain to the ones violent actions do.

I know you mentioned you are not in crisis or active planning, but for anyone who may be, a disclaimer: If you or anyone reading this honestly feels they may be a threat to themselves or others, I can only advise getting help and speaking to a professional about this. Top priority should always be safety above all else, and checking yourself in to get help before you do something drastic is always going to be easier and better for everyone than trying to hide from or handle the repercussions of that event later. There are emergency systems and programs in place to help you learn to cope or find medications that can help you if you are in an urgent situation, before something bad happens, but tumblr is not one of them; I am not one of them.

Whatever you do, please keep yourself and others safe. I hope this helps.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #tw violent urges #tw violence mention #tw violent imagery #tw violence #tw violent thoughts #tw true crime #cw violence #tw homicide #anons welcome

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anadrenalineslut · 2 years

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You absolutely CAN "feel" fat and I'm tired of people pretending like you can't.

Yes, fat is a physical characteristic but your brain can absolutely make you feel as though you are that characteristic,, even if you are physically not fat.

Like, why is it so hard for you guys to understand that you can "feel" fat? How do you propose people talk about their EDs so they don't "offend" you? I truly don't see the purpose of making people feel bad for expressing their feelings, even if those feelings are uncomfortable for yall to sit with.

Like, for example, if you have OCD and your intrusive thoughts make you envision killing people, you can "feel" like you're a psychopath or a murderer even if you're objectively not those things. That's why your brain is making you think these thoughts- so you can hate yourself and think the worst of yourself.

Mental illnesses are ILLNESSES for a fucking reason. Like, it's literally your brain being sick. That's the whole point of your brain being sick- and shaming people for having these thoughts that they can't control is so counterproductive and kind of gross.

Saying people who have EDs are fatphobic is firstly INCORRECT and FACTUALLY INACCURATE but also reductive and ends the conversation. Like, MANY MANY MANY people have EDs that don't make them feel fat because it's not about "fatness" for them but about CONTROLLING THEIR ENVIRONMENT.

Like, EDs are honestly a subclass of OCD and come out of a need for control usually after a traumatic event or events. You talk to enough people with EDs, you will hear a lot of them who are in denial say things like "I don't think I'm fat. I'm not exercising because I'm fat. I just feel good about myself when I do this." Like, people develop EDs because it's easy to control your food and they like the power that comes with that control.

Yes, fatphobia makes EDs MORE prevalent but it doesn't CAUSE EDs and I'm sick of people pretending like it does.

If you want to help people with EDs, please educate yourself on why they occur and how they manifest. Shaming them for expressing how their ED works isn't helping anyone but enforcing the idea that they should feel bad about themselves.

#eating disorder #fat #ocd #mental illness

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studystores · 22 days

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Top 10 best mental health treatment centres in India

Mental Health

Mental health is a thing that refer to human emotional, psychological and social well-being. It stands for how you think, behave and feel, mental health is that how you handle stress, relate to others and make choices. this is part of our life, it's attached with us from childhood. You have to understand good mental health is more important than mental health. It can help you for positive mind set, take a good decision and contribute to one's community. However, we know that mental health is impacted in life experiences, trauma, genetics, and chemical imbalances, normally our common mental health include anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. As we told you that good mental health is very important, now there is one question how we maintain good mental health. Maintaining mental health can involve self-care practices like physical activity, getting enough sleep, fostering supportive relationships, and seeking professional help when needed. Now we can also do medication take therapies and relaxation techniques.

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Mental Health Buy Joint pain reliefer >> What are symptoms of mental healthEmotional Symptoms: Cognitive Symptoms: Behavioural Symptoms: Physical Symptoms: Psychotic Symptoms (in more severe cases): Joint pain treatment >> Top 10 Mental Health Centres In IndiaNational Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (NIMHANS), Bangalore All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), Delhi Central Institute of Psychiatry (CIP), Ranchi Institute of Human Behaviour and Allied Sciences (IHBAS), Delhi Lokopriya Gopinath Bordoloi Regional Institute of Mental Health (LGBRIMH), Tezpur Mental Health Institute (MHI), S.C.B. Medical College, Cuttack Rajasthan University of Health Sciences (RUHS), Jaipur Post Graduate Institute of Medical Education and Research (PGIMER) Institute of Mental Health and Hospital (IMHH), Agra Nagpada Police Hospital, Mumbai ConclusionWhat is mental health? What are common mental health disorders? What are the signs of poor mental health? How can I improve my mental health? When should I seek professional help?

What are symptoms of mental health

Mental health symptoms are depended on the condition of the person, but here are some symptoms that can be helpful : Emotional Symptoms: - Persistent sadness or low mood: This is a stage where a person feels very lonely and feels very helpless and hopeless. - Excessive fear or worry: This is a very common symptom in your life you had seen these type of people this is your friend, family member, your partner anyone they're always feeling anxious without any clear reason and overreacting to small concerns. - Mood swings: Changing emotions very quickly like just a little while ago you are happy but after some time your emotions will be changed into emotional and again into anger this is a sign. - Irritability or frustration: We have seen this type of people around us, who's angry all the time and upset a little bit of issues. Cognitive Symptoms: - Confusion or difficulty concentrating: If you are facing a problem of focusing on anything like your study, your work and goals, or you are very confusing of making decisions, and you're not remembered things, that is a symptom of mental health. - Negative or intrusive thoughts: This is the stage where person thinking about negative thoughts like self-harm and worthlessness or despair. - Obsessive thinking: If your mind thinking repeated thoughts and fear, and you're often always irrational or exaggerated. Behavioural Symptoms: - Withdrawal from social activities: If you are mind says, being alone, and you're avoiding your friends, family or any events you always used to enjoy, this is a sign of Behavioural Symptoms. - Changes in sleep patterns: If you are sleeping too much or lack of sleep or experiencing insomnia, this is not good for your mental health or physical health also. - Changes in appetite: Excess of eating food or lack of eating, and leading to your weight changes. - Substance abuse: Increased use of alcohol, drugs, or other harmful behaviours to cope. Physical Symptoms: - Fatigue: If you're feeling tired all the day, lack of energy, this is a symptom of physical. - Unexplained aches and pains: Sudden pain occurs like headache, stomach pain and did not find any clear medical causes why it comes. - Restlessness or agitation: If you are not doing relax and feeling always on edge or constantly moving, working all the day. Psychotic Symptoms (in more severe cases): - Delusions: Strongly held false beliefs, such as thinking people are out to get you. - Hallucinations: Seeing, hearing, or feeling things that aren’t there. If any of these symptoms persist for an extended period, it’s important to seek professional help.

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Top 10 Mental Health Centres In India

National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (NIMHANS), Bangalore In India, the National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (NIMHANS) is a shining example of excellence in the fields of neuroscience and mental health. NIMHANS, a leading institution that has pioneered cutting-edge research, education, and patient care since its founding in 1974, is tucked away in the energetic metropolis of Bangalore. NIMHANS, which is well-known for its multidisciplinary approach, skilfully combines clinical knowledge with cutting-edge research in the neuroscience, psychiatry, psychology, and neurology domains. They do more than simply cure; they also look, enquire, and delve farther. The mission of NIMHANS is to comprehend the complexity of the human mind, not just to heal patients. Every clinic and program has two goals: the first is to treat the patient as a whole, not just the illness. They quietly and non-intrusively try to alter the stigma associated with mental health in a country where it has long been practiced with shame. NIMHANS continues because it must, changing lives, influencing legislation, and making the required sacrifices. There's not a substitute. All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), Delhi The All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS) is a representation of leadership in healthcare and quality medicine in India. Known for its dedication to patient care, education, and research, AIIMS has produced some of the best medical professionals and has led the way in medical advancements. AIIMS is a vital institution for training the future generation of healthcare professionals and providing high-quality medical services to a wide variety of patients. It boasts state-of-the-art facilities and a diversified range of medical specialities. Training mental health practitioners, promoting psychiatric disease research, and integrating mental health into the larger healthcare system are all priorities for the organization. By allocating funds for mental health advocacy, education, and treatment, AIIMS not only helps people who are struggling with mental health concerns but also significantly contributes to lessening the stigma attached to mental health in general society.

Central Institute of Psychiatry (CIP), Ranchi One eminent establishment committed to improving mental health in India is the Central Institute of Psychiatry (CIP) in Ranchi. As a leading specialist in psychiatric treatments, CIP has established its reputation by combining traditional and modern methods to mental healthcare. The institute's commitment to comprehensive mental well-being is demonstrated by its multidisciplinary approach and emphasis on community engagement.

Institute of Human Behaviour and Allied Sciences (IHBAS), Delhi Situated in the central region of Delhi, the institute functions as an all-encompassing centre for psychiatric care, providing an extensive range of specialised treatment methods for diverse mental health conditions. IHBAS prioritises education and research, making a substantial contribution to the body of knowledge in the fields of psychiatry and related disciplines. The institute's aim to lessening the stigma associated with mental health disorders in society is seen in its support of community outreach and mental health awareness initiatives.

Lokopriya Gopinath Bordoloi Regional Institute of Mental Health (LGBRIMH), Tezpur The institute's primary goals are research and teaching, which help people in the area understand and treat mental health conditions that are common. By combining modern and traditional methods, LGBRIMH aims to promote mental health while taking into account the unique cultural characteristics of the northeastern communities. The institute, a leader in the region for mental health, carries on Lokopriya Gopinath Bordoloi's legacy by offering the people of Assam and the surrounding states high-quality, compassionate mental health care.

Mental Health Institute (MHI), S.C.B. Medical College, Cuttack In Cuttack, Odisha, the Mental Health Institute (MHI), connected to S.C.B. Medical College, is a vital hub for mental health care, training, and research in the area. Since its founding as an essential component of S.C.B. Medical College, MHI has played a significant role in meeting the community's mental health needs. The centre offers a range of services from diagnosis and treatment to rehabilitation and community mental health programs, with a focus on delivering comprehensive psychiatric care.

Rajasthan University of Health Sciences (RUHS), Jaipur RUHS, which was founded in 2005, is essential in offering top-notch instruction, training, and research opportunities in a range of health sciences fields. The institution is dedicated to promoting excellence in the sectors of paramedicine, nursing, pharmacy, dentistry, and medical education. RUHS educates a new generation of healthcare professionals with an emphasis on innovation and modern healthcare practices, giving them the knowledge and abilities necessary to handle the field's changing difficulties.

Post Graduate Institute of Medical Education and Research (PGIMER) The institute is well-known for its demanding postgraduate training programs, which result in a pool of knowledgeable and caring medical professionals that make substantial contributions to the national and global healthcare scene. PGIMER's dedication to research is demonstrated by its multiple contributions to the medical literature and innovations across a range of specialisations. Modern facilities at the institute promote an atmosphere that is favourable to both academic and medical innovation.

Institute of Mental Health and Hospital (IMHH), Agra In addition to focussing on clinical competence, IMHH also aims to destigmatise mental health concerns and engage the community. The institute advances knowledge of mental health care techniques and broadens understanding of mental health issues through its research and educational efforts. IMHH is an important part of the historic city of Agra, helping people maintain mental health and providing ongoing support to families and individuals who are struggling with mental health issues.

Nagpada Police Hospital, Mumbai Nagpada Police Hospital is a vital component of the law enforcement support system and demonstrates the dedication to the health and well-being of individuals who protect public safety in Mumbai's dynamic city. Located in the busy metropolis of Mumbai, is essential to the provision of medical treatment for police officers and their families. The hospital was founded with the express purpose of meeting the particular medical requirements of law enforcement officers. It is a vital component in guaranteeing the physical and mental health of those who defend and serve.

Conclusion

In the end, mental health care is a fight worth fighting. It’s about facing the unseen battles that people carry inside, the ones no one talks about but that weigh heavy all the same. To treat the mind, you need more than medicine—you need understanding, patience, and a steady hand. The way forward is clear: open the doors, lift the shame, and give people the help they need. When you do that, you don’t just heal one person—you make the whole community stronger. It’s hard work, but the kind that matters. There’s no other way. What is mental health?Mental health refers to our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act, as well as how we handle stress, relate to others, and make decisions.What are common mental health disorders?Common mental health disorders include anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).What are the signs of poor mental health?Signs of poor mental health can include changes in mood, withdrawal from friends and family, changes in eating or sleeping patterns, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and feeling overwhelmed or hopeless.How can I improve my mental health?Improving mental health can involve practicing self-care, staying connected with loved ones, seeking therapy, exercising regularly, maintaining a balanced diet, and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation.When should I seek professional help?You should seek professional help if you experience persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or hopelessness, have difficulty functioning in daily life, or if your thoughts or behaviors are becoming harmful to yourself or others. Read the full article

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virtualduckbrigade · 9 months

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i think the thing that gets me the most about stupid ass internet discourse about the moral purity of using the objects that are fictional characters as meabs and modes of sexual pleasure is that the excuses that people who are against it and think thought crimes are a thing are so *fucking ablist about it*. Like let me be clear, a solid 95% of people who are into that kind of shit are trauma survivors/victims. We get into it sexually as a way for our brains to cope with the traumatic events that happened to us. To make things that WERE and ARE *fucking terrifying*, things that keep us up at night in fear, not only palpitable, but pleasurable. AND SINCE ITS ALL FICTIONAL-- no one is actually getting hurt!!!! we can recontextualize our feelings in a way that is safe to LITERALLY everyone! and guess what! as long as you can still enjoy sex without the need to think about your fucked up kink, youre actually fine!! in fact, youre normal and healthy!!

Now, dont get me wrong. I DO think that if you make art about it, it needs to be tagged and posted places where minors cant get at it, because some people do get into certain things because of a minor(as in small and not underage) trauma around having unsupervised internet access too early minor(as in underage and not small), and thats what we're starting to see pop up around now with a lot of folks; but either way, if it is tagged and filterable, YOU, yes you, are the one responsible for curating your internet experience and if you dont know how to, frankly you shouldnt be anywhere outside of a search engine online. digressing from that too, if you filter out the things that you dont want to see and are triggering to you because you healed in a different way, you are 100% valid in doing so, so long as youre not screaming at the people who are healing in other ways that theyre "doing it wrong" because then, really what that says is that youre NOT healed. Because if you were healed, you wouldnt care what other people do if no real living person/animal was getting hurt.

You are not entitled to anyone elses personal information, when you go online. Some people might even be doing things to make it look like whatever is wrong with them ISNT wrong with them. You saying "anyone who does this is a freak and a pervert and a pedo who needs to be shunned from society" isnt helpful. it doesnt stop it. The only thing youve done is assert that "hello. i am an ablist and absolutely NOT a safe space for ANYONE who has any desire to heal from their trauma-related disorder. In fact I hope you die instead. You should be absolutely nothing but ashamed of what happened to you and the well-documented psychological responses it left your developing brain with". Like i get it, its fun to shit on Freud because 95% of the time the things coming out of his mouth were batshit. But Freud Was Right about A Lot Of Things. Specifically about Developmental Trauma and things people find uncontrolably sexually arousing down the road. AND AS LONG AS YOU CAN RECONTEXTUALIZE THAT AROUSAL TO *ONLY FICTION*, YOU ACTUALLY HELP *SOLVE THE PROBLEM*!!

and dont even get me STARTED on people with OCD who LITERALLY cannot move on from fucked up intrusive thoughts after they have them, or after someone makes a comment like, say, this post. All youve done is make them feel horrible too, over things that arent true and arent hurting them. Or the folk who suffer from delusions, who will believe more people are out to get them than the amount they thought prior.

Youre not "proctecting kids" or whatever the fuck, because if you WERE, you'd be lobbying for not only more therapy and better sex ed, but also better control over our collective internet experiences including advertising-free safe spaces for kids, and more massive archives of free well-tagged and correctly-tagged sometimes pornographic art something similar to ao3! but youre NOT. Youre projecting a belief not dissimilar to the religous trauma some people experience growing up that is only going to serve to blow up the issue and get more people to look at more fucked up shit online, earlier.

Youre not "taking a stance and stopping pedos", youre in the denial stage of your own minor(as in small) traumas because theres no safe spaces on the internet anymore since social media and capitalism fucked all of us, and the people with Major traumas dont have anywhere else to recontextualize that shit in a safe way anymore.

#tw #trigger warning #trauma #content warning #discusses anti behaviour #youre getting quacked at #rustled feathers in the night #do not make me turn off comments and reblogs because i WIL

0 notes

ijustwant2write · 4 years

Text

A Secret Romantic-Benedict Bridgerton x Reader x Eloise Bridgerton (Platonic)

(GIF credit to @aryaofoldstones)

Requested by anonymous: ‘Hello! I saw your looking for Bridgerton requests, I would love some Benedict x Eloise sibling fluff! They have such a good dynamic in the show and I need more’

(I wouldn’t mind making another part of this if people want it tbh)

Characters: Benedict Bridgerton x Reader, Eloise Bridgerton x Reader (platonic)

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

(Y/L/N)=Your last name

Warnings: Fluff, fluff, fluff

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Eloise’s gloved hands clung onto her book as she and her family arrived at yet another social event, a ball once again. Her mama had ensured she was dressed to catch the eyes of men, and Eloise knew that meant there would be no room for intelligent conversation. With Daphne now married to the Duke, Eloise had more pressure on her shoulders than she imagined, having to find a suitor of similar standards. However, it wasn’t just her on the market, her brothers were too, especially Benedict (Violet knew it would be extremely difficult to marry off Anthony first, opting for the second eldest son).

Eloise smiled whenever her mama looked her way, though it quickly disappeared once she turned around. Benedict had been instructed to escort her sister around the ball to help seek out suitors, the men knew each other or something about someone; he could help her meet the right one.

“I cannot believe I am here.” Eloise moaned as she looped her arm through her brothers.

“Believe me sister, I do not wish to be here either.”

“Why must you parade me around like a horse at a dressage in order to find a new owner?” Eloise kept catching the men’s gazes, turning up her nose in disgust.

“So dramatic.” he chuckled.

She scoffed.“Well, if you’re going to advise me on who I should be marrying, I shall do the same for you. Now let’s see...”

Eloise looked around the room at all the women, wondering who would be the best match for her brother. Most of these women had no personalities, relying on their outfits to express themselves. Eloise knew of some ladies that were nice, though had nothing in common with her brother.

Eloise shrugged, tugging on her brother’s arm towards the door.“Ah, there’s no one here for us. Let us make haste and leave-”

“Oh no you don’t,” Benedict pulled her back,“we have been strictly told to stay for the night, even if it is just to socialise and...get our names out there.”

Eloise groaned a little too loudly, Ben ducking his head in embarrassment.“How long do these balls go on for?”

“I have never stayed for the full duration.”

“That’s not the answer I want to hear.”

Benedict glanced down at her, somehow only just realising that Eloise had brought a book with her.“Is that book sewed to your hand sister?”

“I brought it just in case I became bored. Which I am already.”

“I shall go and grab us some refreshments. Might as well enjoy them whilst we’re here.”

Eloise let her brother slip away, quickly finding a hiding spot by leaning up against a wall, away from the hustle and bustle of the crowds. She opened her book, continuing where she left off, happy she brought a pencil to scribble down notes for later. The studying never stopped for Eloise.

“Excuse me?” a woman’s voice interrupted her too soon.

Eloise tried her best to be polite, though her smile came off as sarcastic.“Yes?”

“Sorry,” the woman looked taken back,“I thought you were reading a book that I am reading at the moment, but I was wrong. I’ve disturbed you, I shall leave you alone-”

“Wait,” Eloise had now sparked an interest. No other lady had ever approached her like this,“I don’t mean to be rude. What book had you expected?”

“It’s oh so obvious, but I’ve been reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’ by Jane Austen. It’s the newest book out at the moment, and my mama lets me read it seeing as it involves a woman finding someone to marry. Although, it’s definitely about something deeper, that’s just what I told her.”

“I don’t indulge in romantic novels myself, but I am glad to hear of a female author selling her work.”

“It’s fantastic. And it’s nice to be able to read something without it being snatched out of my hands. Oh, where are my manners? I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N). Sorry, I’ve been dancing with men all night and none of the conversations have been as riveting as this so far.”

“Why am I not surprised?” they both laughed.“I’m Eloise Bridgerton.”

(Y/N) tried to not show her shock when she heard the surname. They were only the most talked about family, her mama had gone on and on about them, especially when Lady Whistledown mentioned them in her writings.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. Might I ask what it is that you are reading?”

“It is to do with my studies. I truly hate these events, so I thought I would ensure my mind was being worked properly.” Eloise realised that could come off as rude, squeezing her eyes shut in embarrassment.“I did not mean to offend you by that.”

“It really isn’t any bother.” (Y/N) giggled.“I rather enjoy these just for the dancing and drinks, I find promenading to be more successful in finding a suitor. Though I would much rather sneak off and see if I can get a few more pages in of a book I shouldn’t be reading.”

“Eloise, why must you go wondering off like that...” Benedict’s words trailed off as he approached his sister, spotting a beautiful woman stood by her.

Eloise’s eyes flickered between the two, and she smiled when she saw the adoration in her brother’s eyes. Cheekily taking the two glasses from his hands, she passed one to (Y/N), who awkwardly took it. (Y/N) had gazed upon the Bridgerton men in passing, they were very nice to look at. Of course, she never divulged in any fantasies about them, that would be silly. But seeing one in front of her had taken her breath away.

“Thank you brother.” Eloise said, taking a sip.“This is Lady (Y/N) (Y/L/N), a new friend of mine.”

He gently took her free hand in his, bending forwards slightly to kiss it. (Y/N) had this done to her many times, but this was different. Benedict made her feel butterflies in her stomach. Eloise could tell her mama was going to love this.

She cleared her throat.“We were just speaking of art, actually.”

(Y/N) furrowed her eyebrows.“We were talking about books.”

“I was about to move the topic along.”

“What kind of art would that be then?” Benedict asked, knowing what game his sister was playing.

“The...drawing, kind.”

“Isn’t all art drawn?”

“No, it is also painted.”

“I think artists may sketch out a rough idea before painting.”

“Well you would know brother, seeing as you yourself are an artist.”

“I wouldn’t say that-”

“You paint, Lord Bridgerton?” (Y/N) asked.

“Ah, yes, and I sketch.” he hoped his cheeks weren’t turning red.

“Anything in particular?”

“Mostly people.”

“Are you both attending the art exhibition my family are holding next week?”

“That’s your families’ exhibit?” Benedict became excited.

“Yes, my father collects a lot of art work. Then mother realised she could make a social event out of it, but at least everyone will be able to admire the work.”

“Would you believe it, we already have it noted down in our social calendar!” Eloise informed (Y/N). Benedict could sense her over-reacting, trying to keep a smile as (Y/N)’s face lit up in excitement.

“Perfect!” (Y/N) looked back up at Ben, making him stand a little taller.“It will be nice to have someone there who knows about the artwork. It will make for an interesting conversation. Just don’t let my father lecture you, he will talk for far too long! And I know you will be too polite to try and get away.”

“My brother is very polite.” Eloise said.“In fact, I’m surprised he hasn’t-”

“Excuse me for the intrusion,” a young man said from beside (Y/N),“but I was wondering if we could resume our dance lady (Y/N)?”

(Y/N) was smiling, but Eloise knew that look; it was the face women made when a man who made them uncomfortable approached, but they had to remain ladylike and polite.

“Actually my brother just asked her and she said yes. You two best make your way to the floor before the music starts again.” Eloise nudged her brother.

Benedict was confused at his sisters offer, until he locked eyes with (Y/N) again. They were pleading him to sweep her away, she was even leaning away from this man. He had been disrespectful in some way, and he wasn’t letting (Y/N) go through that again (despite only knowing the girl for a few minutes). He smugly smiled at the man, holding out his arm which (Y/N) took a little too quickly. Eloise was happy with herself as the pair walked off, sending the man a death glare when he asked her to dance instead. Once he left, her eyes went back to find her brother, who was already dancing with (Y/N), both smiling and laughing. Her mama was going to be ecstatic about this.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Eloise sat in the drawing room, obviously lounging with a book. Her younger siblings were being irritating as usual, running around her in circles. Before they arrived, she had peace. Eloise wanted a few moments alone, because she knew her mama would be bursting with questions about the night before.

“Ah, there you are.” Violet said as she walked in.

The book flopped into Eloise’s lap, a frown on her face. There goes her reading time.

“So, how was last night? Did you meet anyone?” her mama sat beside her.“You two, go play outside if you’re going to run around please.”

The children stopped as their mama spoke, sending each other devilish grins before they ran out of the room again, their giggling echoing down the halls. Violet went to shout after them, but decided to leave it be, there were more pressing matters.

“Well mama, do you see any suitors?” Eloise gestured around her.

Violet sighed.“Did you even try last night?”

“My life will not be reduced to a single night where I was forced to peacock around in order to please a man.”

“Oh, Eloise, must you make everything so dramatic?”

“Funny, Benedict said the same thing.”

“Actually, where is your brother? I have not seen him all morning.”

“He went out.” Eloise was relieved that the focus would now be off of her.“He’s calling upon a lady.”

Violet’s eyes widened.“What? When? Who?”

“Lady (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

“(Y/L/N)? They are quite reputable.”

Eloise rolled her eyes.“Mama, she is a lovely girl. I don’t think you should just judge her on what family she comes from.”

“Oh, so you approve of this girl?”

“I...I mean...Well, I only spoke with her for a mere few minutes.”

“But?”

Eloise let out a huff.“I enjoyed her company. I think Benedict likes her. I didn’t see him for the rest of the night until it was time to leave. He spent all his time with her.”

Violet became overjoyed.“Oh, what marvelous news! I wish he had told me. Do you know what he took to her? Flowers? Food?”

“I have no idea mama. Just wait for his return and he will tell you all the details. I am not a psychic.”

Violet was impatient as she awaited the return of her son. Poor Collin had also been questioned when he showed up in the drawing room, but he had overslept in bed, waking with a terrible headache. It seemed that it was about to come back to him when his mama bombarded him with questions as to why he hadn’t called upon anyone that morning. Eloise kept her giggles quiet, ducking behind her book when Collin sent her daggers.

Poor Benedict had no idea what was in store for him. His cheeks were aching from how much he was smiling. He wasn’t surprised when he arrived at the (Y/L/N)’s house and saw multiple callers for (Y/N). However, jealousy rose inside him when he thought about these men dancing with her, trying to convince her that they were the man to marry. He held a beautiful bouquet of flowers, remembering that (Y/N) had mentioned her favourite the night before. Looking around at any other flowers she received, he was glad to see no other gentleman had chose it. Surely that would show he was listening? He endured sonnets, stories, songs and boasting from the other men, trying not to show his dissatisfaction as each one stepped forward. There was pressure that her parents were there, especially when he realised he was the last gentleman, everyone else had left.

(Y/N) had been incredibly anxious when she saw Benedict that morning. He had been the only man she genuinely smiled at, hoping he came at his own will, not forced by his mama. The night before had been the best ball (Y/N) had ever been to. Benedict was sweet, charming, handsome and interesting. They were able to talk about anything and everything, no small talk involved like all the other men she danced with. He had swooned her, and here he was, calling upon her.

Back at the Bridgerton house, Violet had not sat down since talking Collin’s ear off. Eloise was still in the drawing room with her, as were her two youngest siblings, munching on biscuits as they threw questions at their mama. She did not have all the answers, sometimes not even hearing them speak for she was too deep in her thoughts. At one point, she did sit, but beside the window, o the lookout for any signs of her son. When a carriage pulled up in front of the house, Violet leapt out of her seat, startling her children. She made a beeline to the door, standing there with her hands clasped together. When Benedict walked in, he too flinched, not expecting his mama to be there.

“Mama, how long have you been stood there?” Benedict asked as he walked past her, pinching a biscuit from his brother’s plate.

“She’s been waiting for you.” Eloise explained, also excited to hear about his calling.

“I hope you sat down at some point.” he joked, sitting beside Eloise and slouching.

Violet hurried to sit on the sofa across him.“You didn’t tell me you were calling on a lady this morning.”

“Well, we got back late from the ball yesterday evening, and I had to leave early to ensure I got there in good time. Though it seemed every other man thought that too.”

“There were many men there?”

“Yes, quite a few.”

Eloise straightened up at her brother’s grumpy expression.“You really like her!”

“How wonderful!” Violet gushed.

“Do not get ahead of yourselves.”

“But you do, don’t you? Otherwise you wouldn’t have called on her.”

Ben was lost for words. He couldn’t argue with that, and he did like seeing his mama happy.“Yes, yes I do. And it would seem she reciprocates the feelings.”

“This is such good news! I must see what our social calendar looks like, we must ensure you two spend time together.”

“Actually mama-” Eloise went to tell her about the art exhibit until Ben interrupted.

“Good idea mama.” he nodded, smiling at her as she walked away, a spring in her step. Once she was gone, he let out a big breath.“I just needed a moment without questions from her.”

“Well, you’re going to have questions from me.” Eloise angled her body to face him, her elbow perched on the sofa with her face resting in her hand.“I didn’t think you were going to call upon her. Are my match making skills really that good?”

“I hate to admit it, but yes, you have done an excellent job.” Benedict felt relaxed thinking about (Y/N).

“So, what happened this morning?”

“I took her flowers, she told me her favourites last night, and then I had to sit there whilst her other gentleman callers desperately tried to impress her. It was agony! Finally I was able to have time with her, and it was just...I don’t know how to put it into words.”

“Did you bring her anything else?”

Benedict became bashful.“I brought her a sketchbook, like the one I have. She mentioned how she used to often sketch when she was younger. I thought it would be a unique gift.”

“Benedict, you truly are a romantic at heart.”

“For her I am, yes.”

Eloise smiled for her brother, until a smirk fell on his face.“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Aw, is someone also a secret romantic?”

“No!” Eloise protested, quickly grabbing her book again.“I am just happy you found someone.”

“And you helped, because you secretly want everyone to find someone.”

“No I don’t! You’re ruining this moment now Benedict.”

“Don’t worry Eloise, you’ll find someone.” Ben joked.

She groaned.“You are insufferable...but I still want to go to that art exhibit.”

“To see love bloom?”

“N-no, to see the art work.”

“Of course, of course. But, thank you Eloise.”

She tried not to smile, but couldn’t help it.“You’re welcome.”

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flareish · 3 years

Text

Anxiety

kuroo x reader

summary: you hide your anxiety from basically everyone including your boyfriend, until he finds out for himself

genre: hurt/comfort

warnings: Emetophobia Warning! description of nausea/vomit, anxiety, bit of angst but ends in fluff

word count: 2.0k

a/n: I tried to make this as close to my anxiety since I hadn’t known anyone with my kind of anxiety(symptom wise) until I was seventeen, which was a good ways into when I realized I had anxiety. So here is some nausea anxiety representation!

masterlist

You tap your fingers in a mindless rhythm. Alternating the fingers and repeating them back and forth, trying to make it a game, a challenge. You did this over and over again to distract yourself from that all too familiar sinking feeling. That feeling like your stomach has managed to twist and knot itself a million times. Each bump of the bus made acid crawl up your throat. You crunched a mint in your mouth hoping the peppermint would soothe some of the nausea. It didn’t, but the thought was there. You just will yourself not to throw up on the bus, anything but that. The thought in itself makes you even more nervous, and in turn even sicker.

You don’t even know why you are anxious. Today is Kuroo’s big game, but it isn’t yours. You’ve been to a hundred of his games before but never before did you feel like this. Normally you get cute little butterflies, not an angry swarm of bees. The worst part is, there is Kuroo sat next to you happy as can be, completely oblivious. He keeps trying to drag you into conversations but you fear if you open your mouth for too long, all that will come up is vomit. So you keep your mouth firmly closed only smiling tightly or shaking your head at his prompts.

It's not exactly his fault though. He doesn’t actually know you have anxiety. It’s not something you really like to talk about. You are all for promoting the acceptance of mental health but you just find every time you tell someone the dynamic changes. Either they flat out don’t believe you since you “don’t seem like the type with anxiety”. Well duh, I don’t have social anxiety, I have situational anxiety. Like here in this situation. That or they suddenly treat me like I am incapable of handling myself. That whenever a slightly stressful event comes up, I am going to melt into a puddle of pure anxiety. Sorry but I’ve made it this far, I may have to throw up a few times on the way but I am still making it.

So you just haven’t told Kuroo. You're just nervous that it will change the dynamic. You also don’t want to steal his spotlight. Today is supposed to be all about him. It's his big game. To suddenly speak up and tell him that his game is giving you anxiety would be selfish. So like you always have, you put a brave face on and face it head-on.

“Hey, are you okay?” Kuroo asks you, now facing you, “You look a little pale.”

“Hmm?,” You also turn to look at him, “Oh I am just a bit tired that’s all. I will be fine in an hour or so.” You hope at least. He nods relieved it's not something worse.

You finally pull into the stadium and everyone is pushing their way off the bus. Luckily Kuroo is right by you to make sure you don't get accidentally pushed down the bus stairs and trampled. The team makes it’s to the bulletin board where they are given their matchups. Nekoma is paired with a pretty hard team. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you dry heave. You knew at the point you were going to throw up and within the next few minutes.

“Hey I think I left something in the bus I’ll be right back.” You say to Kuroo before dashing off. He goes to reply but you are already gone.

You make it around the back of the building before you throw up. At this point you’re kinda out of it, your mind is occupied on emptying your already empty stomach. Then you feel someone pull your hair back and gently rub your back. You don’t even have to look up to know it’s Kuroo. When you finish he hands you his water bottle. You waterfall it and rinse your mouth out of that acidic taste.

“What’s going on are you okay?” Kuroo asks full of concern. You hesitate for a moment, thinking of telling the truth. Then you remember this is supposed to be his day.

“Sorry I must have caught a stomach bug.” He doesn’t completely buy it so you quickly add to it.

“I didn't feel great on the bus but I just thought it was because I was tired.” You feel bad lying, “I also don’t want to distract you before your game.” At that Kuroo quickly pulls you into a hug, “Your not a distraction, I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Your cheek is pressed against his chest and your hands grip the front of his shirt.

“We should probably head back.” You mumble.

“Yeah.” He leans down to kiss you but you duck away. He looks incredibly offended and hurt at this.

“Dude I just threw up I don’t know if you want to do that.”

“…Point.”

The two of you head back inside to the team, you feeling much better after throwing up. Before you know it, the competition has begun and Nekoma has won. You run down and celebrate with the team and it’s a happy day.

On the bus ride home Kuroo has a strange energy about him. Not like he’s mad more just like he’s just realized something. You nudge him and smile hoping to break him out of his little funk. He immediately smiles back and goes back to celebrating with the team. His reaction was almost like putting a mask on. You watch him for a moment before slipping into a conversation of your own.

When you make it back to school you go your separate ways. Him going to shower, and you to get home before it gets too late. A big hug before pushing away. You still refusing to kiss him after throwing up earlier in the day.

You are laying on your bed, exhausted. Anxiety really takes a toll on your energy. Your thoughts are broken when your phone chimes with a text. Leaning over to grab your phone off your bedside table you see it is from Kuroo.

“Can you come over? I want to talk.”

No cute pet names. No slowly easing into it. Actually using proper grammar. Nothing in that message was a good sign. Just “I want to talk” was enough to make the acid begin to crawl again. You knew it had to be about today. Especially after you saw him zoning out on the bus. It had to be your anxiety episode. You knew he wouldn’t be happy you lied but going to this extent. Like he just found out you have anxiety and this is what he hits you with? The world’s most nerve-wracking text message. The only worse place than this would be “we need to talk”. That’s when you have really screwed up. So maybe you’ve only minorly screwed up since he said want not need. Does that mean you have the choice to say no? That was kind of tempting but you knew you would be tossing and turning all night thinking about what might be wrong.

“Okay.” You reply to the text. Short and sweet. Putting on some shoes and grabbing a hoodie, you quietly slip out of your house. Kuroo’s house wasn’t too far but it was far enough. Enough to continue to stir in your intrusive and unstoppable thoughts. You eventually make it to his house and head in going straight for his room. Before you reach the door you hesitate and gather yourself. Preparing for whatever was about to come.

When you go in you find Kuroo sat on the floor of his bedroom, back pressed against the bed. He jerkily looks up and you and gives you a tight smile. None of this is giving good signs. Something is very heavy on his mind. You sit down across from him, your back against the wall your feet almost touching.

“So what was it you wanting to talk about.” You break the silence. He doesn’t respond for a moment. Just as you are about to try again he speaks up.

“Do you still love me?” Your face drops into confusion.

“Why wouldn’t I love you anymore?” You ask, suddenly realizing this wasn’t the conversation you were prepping yourself for.

“You’ve been distant lately. You don’t tell me things like when you don’t feel good. I thought about it when I got home and I was wondering if you weren’t actually sick but just making the excuse because you got caught.” He’s very serious at the moment and his words hold a cold edge.

“What do you mean get caught?” You match his tone. You weren’t planning on fighting but something about how he said it just set something off in you.

“You didn’t want to be there. Ever since this morning you were quiet and reserved. Even after the game, you wouldn’t even kiss me-”

“Yeah, cause I threw up! And how could I be faking it when I literally threw up.” You snap.

“You’ve been like this before though! Like last year’s big tournament you would barely talk to me.”

“That’s not true!” Although it kind of was just not the reason he thought.

“Oh yeah? What about at training camp you wouldn’t talk to me then either, you didn’t even eat with us you just sat on your own.” He threw back.

“Yeah, cause I have anxiety!” The words left your mouth before you knew it. Kuroo looked taken back.

“What?” His brow furrows, “Since when?” He’s not sure what to believe. You’re not surprised since you have worked very hard to hide it from everyone, accidentally sabotaging your own relationship without even knowing it.

“Since forever. I just never told anyone.” You quietly say, ducking your head down.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” You didn’t even need to look up to see the hurt on his face, it was apparent in his voice. You start playing with your finger, tapping them in rhythms.

“I wanted to,” You mumble, “But whenever I do stuff changes and I didn’t want anything to change.” He shifts forward and you think he’s going to leave. Instead, he grabs your hands, stopping the pattern you had going. You look up.

“Did you think I would judge you?” He was staring straight into you, willing the truth to come out.

“Whenever I tell people they either don’t believe me and brush it off or treat me like I’m incapable of handling any amount of stress. I’ve never seen anyone react any differently so I was scared you would fall into one of those reactions and I didn’t know how I could handle that. I didn’t want my anxiety to be the thing to tear us apart. But I guess it still was.” By the end of your speech, your gaze has returned back to the floor, unable to hold eye contact for that long with him staring at you so strongly. You hear him sigh then you are pulled forward and into his arms.

“I want to be your pillar of support. I want to be that third reaction that is one of acceptance, one that doesn’t drive you crazy.” He strokes your hair soothingly, his words making you tear up, “When you are ready I want you to tell me everything. From when you first noticed it, to where it is now, to how you deal with it, everything.” By now you are fully crying, absolutely collapsed into his chest. “I love you so much.” It gets muffled in his shirt but he hears it.

“I know, and I love you.”

It would take some time for Kuroo to get used to this change but slowly but surely he will be different from the rest and he will support you no matter what. Although he also respects your strength and knows you can handle your anxiety on your own, he is always there when you need it. He becomes the third unexpected and unheard-of reaction; acceptance.

#haikyuu imagines #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #nekoma #kuroo #kuroo fluff #kuroo tetsuro imagine #kuroo tetsuro oneshot #kuroo scenarios #kuroo hurt/comfort #kuroo x reader #hq kuroo

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helloalycia · 4 years

Text

girl next door [one] // wanda maximoff

summary: somebody new moves into the flat next to yours and you feel the need to introduce yourself, only to learn she's not very talkative

warning/s: none i don’t think??

author’s note: first part to a three-parter i’ve been working on, hope you like it! (also the masterlist needs to be updated so soz about that)

Shopping bags in hand, I returned from the supermarket to my flat when I saw the usually-vacant flat next door to me in use. The front door was slightly ajar, with several moving boxes in front and the sound of someone moving about inside. Huh, so someone moved in. It had been vacant for half a year now – it was nice to finally have a neighbour!

I headed to my own flat, my nosey self taking a peek through the door to see if I could have an idea of who was moving in, but I couldn't see anyone, so I continued to go into my own place and unpack my groceries. After doing so, I decided to head next door and introduce myself, excited to meet someone new in the building.

The boxes from earlier were gone now, probably all inside, and the door was shut like I usually saw it. I sucked up a breath before knocking on, a friendly smile reserved on my lips for whoever would open.

It took a moment, but the door finally opened and revealed a brunette with bright hazel eyes and a mildly confused expression on her face. She seemed strangely familiar, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it.

"Hey! I just wanted to come 'round and introduce myself. I'm your new neighbour." I pointed to my door next to hers and added, "I saw you moving in earlier. I'm Y/N."

She pursed her lips, eyes glancing around subtly before looking me up and down. "Er, hi... I'm Wanda."

I detected a slight accent in her voice with the few words she spoke and became immediately intrigued since everyone in this building was usually the same old American. I didn't ask about it though, as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable at our first meeting.

"Nice to meet you, Wanda," I returned with a smile. "I've been living here for a year now, so if you need a hand with anything or need pointers for where to get the best Chinese, I'm your girl." I paused, expecting some sort of reaction, but she didn't move a muscle. Swallowing awkwardly, I added, "Of course, if you just need a hand with unpacking or anything, I'm also happy to help."

She still didn't reply, and in fact, she looked a bit peeved with my presence which made me realise that maybe she just wasn't a talkative person.

I cleared my throat nervously before finishing with, "I'll, er, I'll leave you to it. Sorry to disturb you..."

I chewed on my lower lip as I avoided her piercing gaze and went back to my own place. Not everybody was interested in befriending their neighbours, I got that, so I respected her decision and decided not to bother her in the future. It didn't make me feel any less embarrassed at my intrusiveness though.

I didn't think much of it until the following morning when I was watering my plants out on the fire escape. My fire escape was joined with the neighbour's – the neighbour that usually didn't exist but was now Wanda. The brunette was stood there, drinking some coffee and staring out into the distance. I debated wishing her a good morning, but decided against it as I recalled her being quite introverted. Instead, I awkwardly watered the several plant pots I had, opting to stay quiet so I could be in and out without bugging her once more.

To my surprise, she spoke up and it took me a second to realise she was talking to me.

I held my watering jug upright as I glanced in her direction. She was already staring at me, deep set eyes darkened over the rim of her coffee cup.

"What's that?" I asked, not sure what she’d said.

She cleared her throat, eyes flickering to the plants to distract from her discomfort. "I'm sorry. For being strange yesterday. You were being warm and welcoming and I just..." She paused, releasing a shaky breath. "I've had a bad past few weeks. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

I definitely wasn't expecting that, then realised how many bad days I'd had and taken out on random strangers. I didn't blame her and instead felt bad for her – moving into a new place was supposed to be exciting, so I couldn't imagine what had ruined her past few weeks.

"Well, apology accepted," I said with a small smile. "And I hope things begin to look up for you soon, Wanda."

Her lips twitched into the tiniest of smiles and I noticed how different she looked when she wasn't down in the dumps – she was quite beautiful.

I finished watering my plants before giving her a final smile. I was about to head back inside, but I hung back curiously.

"Er, Wanda, if you don't mind me saying," I started randomly, "you seem familiar. We haven't met before, have we?"

She raised her eyebrows with surprise. "Oh, really? You don't kn–?" She tilted her head to the side, as if expecting me to understand, but I wasn't sure what she wanted. "I... I guess I just have one of those faces."

I studied her curiously, trying to figure it out. But nothing was coming to mind, so I hummed in agreement. "Yeah, I guess so... anyway, enjoy the rest of your day."

She nodded. "You, too."

–

The next time I saw Wanda was probably a week later, just after I collected my mail from the mailroom. I'd received one of those random free trial boxes for a subscription I must have accidentally signed up for – a box of different flavoured trail mixes – and felt bad throwing it out since it was still food at the end of the day. There were nuts in the mixes, which I was allergic to, so I decided to knock on Wanda's door and see if she wanted them.

I hadn't spoken to her since she moved in, except for the occasional good morning on the fire escape if we saw one another, so I hoped she was a little happier compared to when we last spoke properly. Maybe whatever had bothered her was resolved now.

When she opened the door, she seemed surprised that it was me, probably not expecting me to stop by again after last time.

I offered her a smile. "Hey, Wanda. I, er, hope this isn't a bad time."

She shook her head after recovering from her surprise. "No, no, it's not. Is everything okay?" She paused, glancing around, unprepared. "Do you want to come in or...?"

"It's okay, I'm good here," I said when I saw how uncomfortable she seemed. I wasn't just about to invite myself into her flat because she felt she needed to ask. "I just stopped by because, well, do you want this?" I handed her the box, adding, "I got a free sample in the post. Didn't wanna throw it out because it's food, y'know? And I'm allergic to nuts, so my throat will probably puff up and stop me from breathing which isn't good."

I laughed awkwardly, internally cringing at how I spoke utter nonsense because of her lack of her words and my stupid need to fill the silence.

"Unless you're allergic to nuts too," I added as an afterthought, when she glanced at the packaging with no readable expression. "In which case I should probably throw them right away and this whole thing is stupid."

After what felt like an eternity of me not shutting up, she lifted her gaze, eyes softening with a hint of amusement.

"I'm not allergic to nuts," she assured me, before nodding. "Thank you, Y/N."

I relaxed, not even realising how tense my shoulders were. "That's– that's good... so, how are you settling into your new place? All good, I hope?"

Subconsciously, I chewed on the inside of my mouth, wondering why I was so eager to speak to somebody who clearly didn't want to speak to me. She was so quiet, not a woman of many words, yet I couldn't help but feel responsible for welcoming her.

"It's nice," she said, glancing around thoughtfully. "It's quiet. Private."

I nodded in agreement, eyes falling to her doorframe as I said, "Yeah, that's true. Nothing eventful ever happens here."

She hummed, acknowledging my words. I figured the conversation had ran dry and I'd stayed a little too long, so I tried to think of a way to end it without her feeling forced to. Instead, she spoke up next.

"I like your garden."

I furrowed my brows, wondering what she was talking about.

"The flowers on our fire escape," she clarified, small smile tugging at her lips. "They're beautiful."

I stifled a laugh. "I mean, thanks, but it's barely a garden. I've always wanted a proper space to grow stuff, but obviously I can't have that here."

"Well, you've done a great job with what you have," she complimented, and I was sure it was the most she'd spoken to me since moving in. I suddenly didn't feel like she disliked my presence as much as I once thought.

"Thank you," I said gratefully. "Maybe you can start your own alongside mine some day."

"Maybe," she shrugged, "but probably not. Everything I touch–" She paused, life leaving her eyes momentarily, and head looking down to her shoes. "Everything I touch dies."

I pressed my lips together, not expecting the awkward silence to follow. Wanda seemed stuck in thought and I wasn't sure how I'd managed to bring the conversation down so suddenly, especially with the talk of flowers.

"The lovely thing about flowers," I began, earning her attention and hoping to brighten the mood, "is that they only require a little love, some sunlight and some water to keep going. They tend to take care of themselves. Perfect for even the blackest of thumbs."

She let out a breath through her nose, a half chuckle and half acknowledgment of my comment. It was the closest I'd get to a response, so I ran a hand through my hair and took a step back.

"Anyway, I'm glad you're settling in okay," I concluded with a kind smile. "Again, if you need anything, I'm just next door."

"Thank you," she said, returning the smile, and her eyes sparkled as she did. "Have a good afternoon, Y/N."

"You, too, Wanda."

–

The apartment complex I lived in rarely had people entering that I didn't recognise – I'd lived here long enough to know who was who, even the postwoman and maintenance guy. So, when I was leaving for the supermarket and saw a suspicious-looking man walking down the hall, eyes checking every door, I grew curious.

"You okay there, sir?" I called out to him after locking my front door.

He looked my way, readjusting his cap lower on his head, casting a shadow over his face. "Er, yeah..." He hesitated, glancing at his phone before looking to me again. "Actually, maybe you can help me. I'm looking for Wanda Maximoff's apartment. Do you know which one that is?"

I narrowed my eyes at the tall stranger. "I'm sure you can understand my concern when I ask who's asking."

"Oh, no, I completely understand," he said with a nod, and I could swear I had seen him before. "I'm an old friend of hers."

I quirked a brow. Strange man who claimed to a woman-who-lived-alone's friend? That had trouble written all over it. And from one woman to another, I was concerned, even if I didn’t know her very well.

"That's not saying much, sir," I said, biting back the annoyance. "I think that maybe you should–"

I stopped speaking when Wanda's door opened and she popped her head out. She looked to me before spotting the tall stranger, shoulders relaxing.

"I thought I heard you out here," she mumbled to the stranger, before stepping out fully and giving me a reassuring look. "It's okay, Y/N. I know him."

I nodded, glancing at the man, before meeting Wanda's eyes knowingly. "If you're sure..."

She seemed comfortable as she crossed her arms, hugging herself. Smiling reassuringly, she nodded. I relaxed when I saw she knew the suspicious stranger.

"In that case, sorry 'bout the interrogation," I apologised to her friend. "But, you gotta understand with the whole getup you have..."

Her friend chuckled deeply, looking to his shoes with amusement. "Yeah, sorry about that, ma'am. Didn't mean to worry you. It's nice to know Wanda here has thoughtful neighbours though."

"I'm twenty-two, not a ma'am," I said with amusement, before shaking my head. "Anyway, I should get going. Sorry again."

Wanda and her friend nodded as I left them; I was just glad it wasn't some creepy perv stalking our building – that had happened once.

I headed to the supermarket to do some shopping when I saw Wanda again, this time in the milk aisle. Well, she actually saw me, her trolley stopping before mine as she got my attention.

"Oh, Wanda, hey," I greeted her with a smile. "Fancy seeing you here."

She cracked a smile. "Yeah, well, I needed to pick up a few things. Milk, actually," she grabbed some from the fridge to prove her point, "when I saw you."

I nodded, before remembering earlier and feeling a little embarrassed. "Hey, er, sorry about before with your friend. I hope I didn't offend them or anything."

"No need to apologise," she said with a shake of her head. "It's actually very nice of you to have my back like that. I mean, we don't even know each other that well, but you watched out for me. I appreciate it."

"It's the bare minimum of a neighbour," I joked, before settling into genuine smile. "Besides, I'd like to think you'd do the same."

"Of course," she agreed, nodding slightly, before her eyes drifted to the fridge.

I noticed that every conversation we shared felt unfinished, like there was more to be said but neither of us had the guts to say it. Like now, for example, I wanted to check in and see if she was okay, but I felt like I was overstepping since, as she'd put it, we didn’t know each other very well. So, I changed the subject instead.

"So, just milk then?" I asked, nodding to her trolley which had a few bits and bobs in.

She was confused for a moment, zoning back into reality, before it registered in her mind and she answered, "Along with a few other things. And you?"

"Pretty much same," I said with a shrug.

Her eyes lingered in my trolley as she stifled a smile. "That looks like a lot more than a few things, Y/N."

I almost laughed. "Technically, yeah, I guess..." I met her curious gaze, explaining, "I'm having a meal with my sister, her boyfriend and my boyfriend at my place tonight. Cooking a lamb roast." She raised her eyebrows with mild surprise, making me shrug dismissively. "It's not that big of a deal, but there's a lot to prepare and I like things to be perfect, so yeah."

She licked her lips and nodded. "It sounds great. Good luck, I guess. I'm sure it'll turn out wonderful."

"Fingers crossed."

She chuckled, glancing at her shoes, making her dark hair fall in front of her like a curtain. When she looked back up, I couldn't help but smile at how cute she looked.

"I'll leave you to it then," she said, before redirecting her trolley around me. "See you whenever."

"See you." I nodded as she walked past me, shoulder brushing mine and leaving me startled at the weird effect she had on me whenever we spoke.

It didn't last for long though, so I brushed it off and continued to do my shop. The evening couldn't come soon enough, and I soon found myself entertaining my boyfriend, my sister and her boyfriend at my dinner table.

"So I was cooking us a nice meal, as we planned, and she ended up having a go at me because of the mess I made afterwards," my boyfriend, Teddy, was explaining to my sister and her boyfriend, Caleb. "That's why I don't try to be romantic anymore."

I paused from sipping my water, looking over at Teddy with an are you serious? look on my face. Y/S/N and Caleb laughed at Teddy's story, but I wasn't as amused as they were.

"Aw, c'mon, babe, don't be pissed off again," Teddy pleaded teasingly from beside me. "It's a joke. I'm joking."

"But that's not how it happened," I corrected him, before looking to the couple before me. "What Teddy means to say is that I had just cleaned the kitchen and told him that when he cooks, he should try to clean as he goes along so it's easier, but of course, he drops cream everywhere and I had to clean it out of the crevices of the counter. All over again."

Y/S/N and Caleb laughed at my retelling of the story, and Teddy frowned playfully as he looked my way.

"And that's definitely not the reason you're not romantic," I said to him promisingly. "When was the last time you even got me flowers?"

He tried to take lead of the conversation again, straightening up and asking, "When was the last time you got me flowers? Feminism, Y/N. It goes both ways."

He was never usually this obnoxious and it was irking me. Y/S/N and Caleb assumed it was all a joke, so were laughing it off, but I was starting to get frustrated. How could he try and make me look terrible in front of my own family?

"I bought you flowers two weeks ago when you got your promotion, remember?" I answered him with a raised brow.

"Damn, she got you there, Ted," Caleb said like it was a burn.

I subtly clenched my jaw and distracted myself with sipping water. Teddy sighed and tried to wrap an arm around me, but I pulled away slightly.

"Oh, come on, you're not mad, are you? This is all in good faith, babe," he said lightly.

I downed my water and looked between them all. "I think I'm gonna get some air. You guys enjoy your drinks."

They all chorused their disagreements, but I couldn't be bothered dealing with them when they were tipsy and annoying, so I ignored them and headed to the fire escape for a breather.

When I reached the railing, I sighed immediately, feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Until I heard a creaking noise and jumped with surprise before seeing Wanda sitting on her side of the fire escape, drink in hand.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," she said apologetically.

I breathed out, turning around and leaning my back against the railing so I could see her better. "It's okay, it's not you. I just– I forgot you could be there. Used to living without a neighbour. It's taking some getting used to."

I forced a small smile to reassure her, before looking down and taking small breaths of fresh air. Teddy could get under my skin at times, tonight being one of those times, and it was happening more and more lately. Why couldn't he just be less... annoying?

"Is everything okay?" Wanda asked, and I looked up fo see her green-gold eyes glowing in the dark under the moon light.

"Yeah," I said with a nod. I glanced inside, seeing my three guests laughing it up like I was still there. I collapsed on my chair and stared into the bustling city ahead. "Why wouldn't it be?"

Wanda hesitated. "Didn't you have that dinner tonight?"

I leaned in the palm of my hand, mumbling, "Yeah. It's still going on. I just needed some air."

Wanda must have sensed there was more to my words – it didn't take a genius to see that – but to my relief, she didn't push on. All she said was, "Oh, okay," and stayed quiet.

The two of us sat there, in a comfortable silence, staring into the city and revelling in the moon's presence. It was beautiful out, though not a single star could be seen because of the city's pollution. Instead, the moon hung high above our heads and conflicted with the many street and building lights of New York City, thriving even past dusk.

I probably could have stayed there all night, preferring Wanda's silent yet comfortable presence to whatever was waiting for me back inside. But to my dismay, I was called back in and sighed quietly to myself.

"I should head back in," I excused myself, standing up to leave. But I lingered by the door, asking Wanda, "Have you eaten dinner yet?" She seemed puzzled with my question, and I continued speaking anyway. "I made a lot of food and have loads of leftovers I can't finish myself."

She seemed to understand what I was implying and shook her head. "That's okay, Y/N, thank you."

"Wanda, I insist," I said with a small smile. "It'll just go in the bin otherwise."

She was still reluctant. "Honestly, it's fine."

i wasn't taking no for an answer though. "I'll stop by in a bit to drop it off."

"Y/N, I–"

"See you then!" I exclaimed before heading back inside and leaving her no choice to deny it.

"There she is," Y/S/N called out to me when I returned. "You feel better?"

"Perfect," I said sarcastically.

She laughed. "C'mon, we're all sorry. Besides, Caleb and I have to go now, so we want to end on a good note."

Was I being too butt hurt? Probably.

"Right, sorry," I said, looking to them all, before saying, "Do you guys want any food to bring back with you?"

"You guys enjoy it," Caleb said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "It was delicious though, Y/N. Thanks for the lovely evening."

"Anytime," I said with a tired smile, before leading them to the door and looking to my sister. "Let me know when you're home, yeah?"

She hummed in agreement, before pulling me into a tight hug. "Love you, Y/N."

"Love you, too," I returned with a playful eye roll.

After bidding them a goodbye, I was left alone with Teddy, who was surprisingly washing the dishes.

"This your way of apologising?" I joked, stopping by the sink.

He glanced at me with apologetic eyes. "Depends. Is it working?"

As I met his brown eyes, I thought back to how frustrating he was acting earlier. He must have been acting out in front of guests for some reason, but he wasn't always like that. Maybe I was overreacting.

"I'll let you know when you're done," I retorted, making him smile with amusement.

As he did that, I worked on filling some containers with leftover dinner for Wanda, being sure to include a generous amount of everything.

"Who's that for?" Teddy asked, noticing what I was doing.

"Wanda, my new neighbour."

"Never heard of her."

I gave him a knowing look. "Hence the word 'new'."'

He returned the stare. "What I mean is, I've never seen her around."

I shrugged, finishing packing the containers and stacking them to carry. "She prefers to keep to herself."

"What, like a weirdo?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, Teddy. She's just private. Introverted, if you will."

"Sounds like a weirdo to me..."

I chose to ignore him as I left the flat and headed to Wanda's. She opened up quicker than usual, probably since she was expecting me this time.

"Bon appétit," I joked, before holding out the takeaway containers. "It's lamb roast with veg, potatoes, some gravy and bread."

"You really didn't have to," she said, though accepted the food. When she glanced down at it, she added, "This is a lot for one person."

I couldn't help the smile on my face. "Enough for second's. You'll have to let me know if you like it. It's my best recipe."

She snickered, eyes meeting mine. "I'm sure it's delicious... do you want to come in?"

Stepping to the side, she looked to me with what I think was a hopeful expression. I felt bad when I smiled sadly, shaking my head.

"I'd love to, Wanda, but I've actually still got my boyfriend over and I can't really, y'know..."

"No worries," she was quick to reassure. "It's– no, it's okay, honestly. I just thought I'd ask."

It was the first time she'd ever asked and meant it, which meant she was finally getting comfortable with me. I would have preferred to go in, but I couldn't just leave Teddy, nor kick him out.

"Maybe we can hang out tomorrow?" I asked hopefully. "If you want, that is. Because I want to. But I don't want to just invite myself over."

She seemed amused as she nodded. "Tomorrow sounds great. Maybe I can make you dinner, as a thank you for this food."

I grew a little excited at spending a bit more time with the quiet, reserved brunette. "I'd like that."

She nodded, lips pursed into a suppressed smile, and glanced at the food in her hand. "Great. Well... have a good evening, Y/N. And thank you again for the food."

"Good evening," I returned, subconsciously memorising the rare smile she gave me, before leaving her to it.

When I returned to my flat, all I could think about was the next night and getting to know Wanda.

#wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff imagine #wanda maximoff #marvel imagine #scarlet witch #wandavision #elizabeth olsen

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lancermylove · 4 years

Text

Teenager MC 8: Dad’s Home! (Oneshot)

Fandom: Obey Me

Pairing: Demon Bros x gn!Reader, platonic.

Warning: None

Requested by: Anon

Prompt: Could you do a one-shot where Lucifer arrives home after a looong day and walks in on his brothers laughing up a storm because teen MC accidentally exclaimed "Dad's home!" when they saw him?

A/N: Anon, I am SO sorry for taking so long! >< I like to write one-shot in one go, and recently I’ve been very busy. I hope you like it!

Word Count: 2,287

———————————————

Everything that could've gone wrong went wrong. First, Lucifer stayed up all night to finish a report for the RAD council. Then in the morning, his brothers ended up arguing and got into a food fight, so he had to forgo breakfast. When he got to RAD, he learned that Diavolo ran away to escape his responsibilities, leaving Lucifer a tall stack of papers to read and sign. On top of that, since the butler was out searching for the prince, the Avatar of Pride had to take care of Barbatos's student council work as well. For this reason, he had to ignore his rumbling stomach and skip lunch.

Just when Lucifer thought he could rest, a fight broke out between two lesser demons. Then he got caught in the middle of a prank and got doused in water, followed by pink glitter. There went his new clothes. After he left RAD, the raven-haired man stopped to get a snack but got attacked by hungry Devildom birds and had to give up his food. When he decided to head home, Diavolo showed up and asked Lucifer to save him from Barbatos; instead of helping the prince, the Avatar of Pride gave him a lecture which drained the remaining energy from his exhausted body. So, by the time Lucifer reach the House of Lamentation, he had no strength left.

All he wanted to do was eat, go straight to his room, and drink wine while listening to his favorite CD. The demon expected all his brothers to be busy with school work, but instead, he found them in the living room in a rather chaotic state. Mammon was rolling on the ground, holding his stomach and laughing up a storm; Levi sat on one of the sofas with both hands over his mouth, trying to suppress his chuckles; Satan leaned against Asmo's shoulder, laughing and wiping his tears, while Asmo pressed the tips of his fingers to his lips and giggled; Beel held onto his stomach and repeatedly hit one of his large hands on the center table, laughing heartily; the youngest brother was curled up on the couch beside his twin, chuckling. You stood near the fireplace, biting down on your lower lip, but as soon as you saw Lucifer, you covered your mouth quickly, hoping he didn't hear your words.

Seeing the state of his family, Lucifer felt like hitting his head on a wall. All eyes turned to him, expecting him to question them or cross his arms and frown at their behavior, but the eldest brother chose to turn on his heels and dragged his feet towards his bedroom.

Asmo and Satan stopped laughing and exchanged glances as soon as they saw him exit the room. Belphie saw his older brothers' reactions and wondered what happened. He tugged on Beel's shirt to get him to stop laughing. Levi blinked in confusion, questioning why his tyrant brother walked away without saying a word. Mammon didn't get the message and continued laughing until Satan threw a pillow at him.

"Hey, whatcha do that for?" The Avatar of Greed asked as he sat up and smoothed out his disheveled hair.

"Is Luci okay?" You questioned, not expecting him to give such an unusual reaction, "Should...we go check on him?"

Before anyone could reply to your question, a familiar voice interrupted, "Pardon my intrusion, but would Lucifer happen to be here?"

"He just came home," you replied, "hey, Barbatos, did something happen to Lucifer? He...didn't seem like himself."

"I thought that may be the case," the butler touched his chin and sighed before explaining the events that took place throughout Lucifer's day.

"You know, Luci always does so much for us," you mumbled and glanced at the ground, "we always cause trouble for him, but he still takes care of us. I think this time, we should do something for him!"

Your lips tugged into a smile as you held up your curled hands close to your face, "Let's turn his bad day into a good day."

The brothers pondered for a second, and Asmo was the first to speak, "I agree. Whenever I have fashion emergencies, I can always count on Lucifer to help me."

Beel nodded in agreement, "Whenever I ask him for his food, he gives it to me. Also...he took care of Lilith a lot."

Belphie's muscles momentarily stiffened at hearing his sister's name, but he regained his composure. "He locked me in the attic to protect me...even though I caused him trouble."

Levi twirled the cable of his headphone around his index finger while mumbling, "He always makes sure my bank account is full, so I can buy all the games I want."

"He takes Goldie away from me," Mammon sighed and averted his eyes, "but to keep me from running into debt."

All eyes turned to Satan, waiting for him to add his point to the conversation. The Avatar of Wrath crossed his arms as the corners of his lips turned down, "What? You really want me to say something nice about Lucifer?"

"Come on, Satan," you pouted, "you know he has done nice things for you. Admit it! It's not like Lucifer is around to hear you praising him."

After a moment of silence, the blond man shook his head and admitted defeat. "Fine, even though I always hated him, Lucifer still looked out for me."

"See, that wasn't hard, was it?" You chuckled, earning a deeper frown from him.

"Seems like all of you have the situation under control," Barbatos smiled, "Then I shall take my leave. If you require my aid, then do let me know. Please excuse me."

----

Asmo opened the door to his elder brother's room and peeked inside. "Luci? Sorry, to disturb you."

The Avatar of Pride sat on the chair next to the fireplace with his arms crossed over his chest and head thrown back. He didn't open his eyes but motioned his brother to come inside.

"What's wrong?" Luci asked in a sapped voice, slightly opening his eyes.

"I need you to come with me." Asmo took hold of his brother's hand and helped him to his feet before Lucifer could protest in any way.

"Can this wait?"

"No, sorry!" Asmo forced a small smile as he studied his sibling's lifeless face.

Upon reaching his room, the Avatar of Lust asked his sibling to lie on his bed faced down. At first, the elder brother looked at Asmo with a raised eyebrow, but lacking the strength to protest, he gave in. While the other brothers fulfilled their duties, Asmo kept Lucifer busy with a body and face massage.

"Asmo, what is going on?" The raven-haired man asked in a muffled voice.

"Shh, no talking allowed. Just relax." The Avatar of Lust cooed as he worked his fingers to break the pent-up tension in his brother's muscles. In the meantime, Belphie and Levi snuck into Luci's room to draw him a relaxing bath with candles and soothing music.

"D-Do you really think this will help?" Levi asked while lighting the silver-colored candles around the black bathtub.

"It will help. Besides, we need to give Asmo time to sneak out and buy Lucifer a new outfit. Levi, while I add the final touches, go tell Asmo we're done."

After Belphie added the remaining petals in the bathtub, he made his way to the kitchen to check on his twin and Mammon.

"Beel! Don't touch that," Mammon loudly said as he whacked the top of his younger brother's hand, "Remember, we are cookin' for Lucifer."

"Beel, are you hungry again?" Belphie chuckled, stepping into the kitchen to find his twin pouting. The Avatar of Gluttony touched his growling stomach and nodded once.

"How are ya still hungry? You ate everything we made just a few minutes ago," Mammon sighed and shook his head in disapproval, "Belphie, will ya make sure he doesn't eat any of Lucifer's food? We don't have enough ingredients to cook everything again."

"I p-promise I won't eat anything." The orange-haired demon lowered his head and looked at the older demon through his bangs.

"Don't gimme that look. We'll getcha somethin' to eat after, 'kay?"

Beel's eyes lit as he vigorously nodded, "Let me help you with the vegetables."

"So, how's everything goin' on your end?" Mammon asked as monitored the food on the stove.

"Lucifer got his massage and should be relaxing in the tub. Asmo will leave to buy his new outfit soon." Belphie leaned again the wall and watched Beel rhythmically chopping the red, green, and orange vegetables.

“What about Satan and (Y/N)? Did they message ya?”

“Yeah, Satan said (Y/N) gave an earful to Diavolo for giving Lucifer and Barbatos a hard time,” Belphie smiled and rolled his long bang between his right thumb and index finger, “I wish I could’ve been there.”

----

Meanwhile, you and Satan worked with the prince and his demon butler to finish some of Lucifer's student council work.

"Prince Diavolo, I apologize for crossing my limits earlier, but you are the Ruler of Devildom. That means you have certain responsibilities to fulfill whether you like it or not," you huffed, "you can’t push those duties on others. Lucifer and Barbatos already do quite a lot for you, so please don't give them a difficult time. Promise me, you won't."

Satan pressed his lips into a firm line to hold back his laughter while Barbatos quietly chuckled to himself. Diavolo exhaled loudly and shook his head, feeling guilty for his actions.

"I promise. Barbatos, deliver an apology gift basket to Lucifer on my behalf. Also, let him know that he has the day off tomorrow."

"Of course, my lord." The green-haired butler glanced at you with a smile before exiting the room to purchase the present.

----

An hour later, you and Satan return to the House of Lamentation to find Mammon and Beel heading to Lucifer's room with a tray in hand. As the four of you reached the Avatar of Pride's bedroom, you saw the remaining brothers waiting in front of the door.

"Ah, seems like everyone is here," Asmo smiled and knocked on the door, "Lucifer, we are coming inside."

The Avatar of Pride was stunned to see the group enter his room but stared wordlessly. He scanned all of your faces with unreadable eyes, waiting for one of you to speak.

"Here," Mammon broke the silence as he set the food tray on the center table, followed by Beel. "We heard you haven't eaten today..."

Lucifer lifted the silver cloches to find three meals, an appetizer, main course, and dessert, messily arranged on fine china plates with intricate gold patterns. He examined the dishes but stopped to stare at the cake with a missing piece.

"B-Beel, you promised you wouldn't eat anything," Mammon rested his hands on his hips and shot a glare towards his younger brother.

"S-Sorry...I couldn't wait to eat," The Avatar of Gluttony innocently replied.

To everyone's surprise, Lucifer started chuckling, "Thank you, Mammon, Beel."

"Luci, I got you a new replacement outfit," Asmo chimed, "Though I must say, you looked quite good covered in pink glitter."

"Oh, I also have something I would like to tell you," you chirped and clapped your hand together, "you have the day off tomorrow!"

The raven-haired glanced at you with wide eyes, but before he could ask you why a loud knock echoed through the bedroom. All heads turned to see Barbatos stepping in with a large gift basket. "Pardon me, but Lucifer, Lord Diavolo asked me to deliver this on his behalf. He also wishes to apologize to you for causing you trouble today."

For a while, the Avatar of Pride grew quiet as he pieced the events of the day together. His lips curled up into a rather soft smile, "Thank you, everyone, for turning my day around, but I advise you not to get used to this kinder side of mine. I am curious about one thing though, what were all of you laughing at earlier today?"

"Oh dear, look at the time," Asmo gasped as he covered his cheeks, "I need to go moisturize my bedroom."

Mammon watched Asmo skip out of the room and quickly added, "Uh, I think I left the stove on. Lemme go turn it off before the house burns down."

Levi looked around the room nervously as Mammon ran out of the room. "Um, I w-will go get g-gasoline to put out the fire..." The Avatar of Envy stiffly walked out the room, nearly tripping over his feet.

"I need to finish a report and pull an all-nighter," Belphie mumbled before turning on his heels and quickly sliding his feet across the hardwood floor.

"I need to go burn my book," Satan said and power walked out, mentally beating himself for making a senseless excuse.

Beel tilted his head to one side and blinked, "Why did everyone leave?"

"I should return to the castle to babysi- I mean to attend to Lord Diavolo," Barbatos chuckled and excused himself.

"Uh, I need to...go summon the devil. See ya!" You flashed a toothy grin and raced out of the room. Lucifer watched all of you with one eyebrow tugged up.

"Beel," he shifted his attention to the only remaining brother, "tell me, why was everyone laughing earlier?"

The tall demon chuckled, remembering your word, and blurted, "When (Y/N) saw you at the front door, they ran into the living room and said 'dad's home'."

"Dad...," Lucifer slumped on the sofa and touched his forehead with his thumb and index finger, "is that what (Y/N) thinks of me as? I suddenly don't feel well."

———————————————

➣ Obey Me Masterlist ➣ Buy me a Ko-fi or Commission?

➣ Teen MC Series: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7]

#obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me asmo #obey me satan #obey me levi #obey me beel #obey me belphie #obey me barbatos #obey me diavolo

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dynyamight · 3 years

Note

#116 bkdk please 🥰

send me a writting ask

116. “I’m right here.”

Nightmares. Midoriya feels embarrassed to even admit he still has them.

Ochako had told him that was perfectly normal. “Heroes aren’t high and almighty, Deku. We struggle, cry, and experience loss. Why wouldn’t we have nightmares, either?”

“I have nightmares too, Midoriya-san.” Iida had confessed to him, “But, they don’t make us weak. They fuel us to stay strong and brave.”

Todoroki felt the most convincing to Midoriya. “I have them. Almost every other night.”

“Oh.” Midoriya barely voiced, feeling a little intrusive. He adjusted his phone in his hand, trying to dispel the stiff air he felt in the call.

“Yeah.” On Todoroki’s end, Midoriya heard a bit of shuffling. “If you feel like you’re the only person in the world who deals with the worst of them, you’re not. I’m there with you.”

“Do you know anything to make them disappear?”

“If I did, don’t you think I would have stopped having them?”

“Sorry. You’re completely right.” Midoriya sighed, long and defeated. “I just hate bothering people with these calls.”

“There’s nothing wrong with calling me.” Todoroki offered softly. “I get it. It also helps me to talk it out with someone, too.”

Midoriya hummed, left feeling disappointed in his gut. He knows Todoroki, as well as the rest of his closest friends, are willing to deal with his phone calls. But, he wants them to stop. The nightmares.

They always leave him in a cold sweat, gasping for air. No matter how strong he got, no matter how many villains he took down, or how much the public adornes him with glory and applause, the nightmares break him.

They belittle him. They mock him. They dare him with the deaths of his loved ones. They taunt him with deaths of his own. They curse him with images of not saving enough, or saving no one at all.

All for One. He continues to haunt him, the moment he closes his eyes and falls in a slumber. And, it leaves Midoriya frustratingly holding back tears, wanting him to leave his essence.

And, tonight was another one of those nights. Padding down barefoot, Midoriya walks out of his bedroom and into the living space. There’s a damp towel around his neck, soaking the sweat he built up from his recent nightmare.

In his hands, his cell phone was held tight.

He doesn’t want to call Todoroki, or Ochako, or Iida. He doesn’t want to stress out his mother any more than she needs to. All Might deserves a peaceful night of his own, free from Midoriya’s rambles. And, Midoriya simply didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk with anyone else.

Except, maybe there was one. Midoriya groans, slumping down on his couch.

He looks down at the phone in his hands, its screen glowing. There was a contact name blaring at him back, beckoning him to press the call button.

Midoriya hates the way his exhausted mind easily talks to him into pressing it. He hates the way he puts the phone to his ear, as if he hopes the call is picked up. He hates the way his heart beats frantically in his chest, wanting to hear that familiar voice.

Midoriya hopes his call is ignored.

“Who the fuck is this?”

His voice gets caught in his throat. Midoriya feels the burning of embarrassment suddenly engulf him, like a wildfire.

Bakugou never looks at the contact name, before answering any calls, Midoriya knows. And, he knows that if he were to say anything, Bakugou would know it’s him.

But, he can’t even breathe right now. He immediately regrets everything. Bakugou could be working, patrolling. Bakugou could have been sleeping. Bakugou could have been enjoying time by himself. Or with others.

God, he could be with people right now, and Midoriya’s wanting to talk about his nightmares. How embarrassing. How weak of him.

“Hello?” Bakugou’s voice echoes. “Hello?”

Midoriya chokes, tears falling down his cheeks. “S-Sorry.”

He hangs up.

And, just as fast as he ends the call, his phone is ringing.

It’s almost laughable. If it wasn’t for the brittle heart he had currently, Midoriya would have been smiling at the way Bakugou was urgently calling back. But, instead, he felt terrible, making Bakugou stressed.

Tentatively, Midoriya answers the call, quickly wiping his tears. “K-Kacchan—”

“Where are you? Now.” Bakugou’s concern booms.

Midoriya shakes his head. “I’m home. Safe.”

“You hurt?”

“N-No. I’m okay.”

There’s a moment of silence on Bakugou’s end. “..The fuck you crying about?” He suddenly asks, bluntly.

“It’s—” Midoriya groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It’s nothing.”

“Hell, it’s nothing.” Bakugou scoffs, “You fucking called me during my shift.”

Of course he did. “You should go back, then.”

“Nah, I got it covered. ‘Sides, it ain’t eventful, tonight.”

“You need to go back to work, Kacchan. It’s important.” Midoriya chastises.

“Yeah, well, so are you.”

That prickles some tears. Sniffing, Midoriya furiously rubs his eyes, frantically trying to keep them dry. The stuffiness in his nose returns, making his voice sound muffled. “I had a nightmare. That’s all.”

“You used to have shitty nightmares, when we were younger.”

“I never outgrew them.” Midoriya admits, quietly.

“Hm.” There’s a bit of wind resounding in Bakugou’s end. “Did they get worse?”

“..They have.”

“Why haven’t you told me.”

Shrugging against the phone, Midoriya curls himself into a ball. “I thought you wouldn’t want to hear about them. They are a bit bothersome, even for me.”

“I wouldn’t—” Bakugou ceases, sighing. “Then, tell me. What was it about? This one.”

Reimagining his nightmares was always hard. Midoriya remembers the faces of the people in his dreams, and the sensations he feels afterwards. But, he cannot seem to recall the story of them, the events in order.

But, for this particular nightmare, there wasn’t any bizarre plotline to understand.

“You.” Midoriya confesses. “You were in it. And, All for One had taken you, in his hands. And, right when I was so close to reaching you, he— you were gone.”

“Lame.”

Sputtering, Midoriya is utterly baffled. “That’s—!”

“What the hell, Deku. You should have known that I ain’t dying anytime soon.” Bakugou huffs irritated, “Especially not from that damn old man. People would call for elder abuse, from how I could beat his ass.”

He shouldn’t laugh, but Midoriya can’t help it. He smiles, staring up at his ceiling. “I knew you would say something like that.”

“Is that why you called?” Bakugou inqueries, “So, you could hear me say that.”

“..Yeah.” Midoriya nods. He brings a hand to his curls, running them through. “I needed to hear you say that.”

“You planning to go back to sleep?”

“You’ve never asked these many questions before, Kacchan.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Midoriya exhales a defeated breath, laying his head back on the couch. “No. I wasn’t.”

“You fucking should.” Bakugou tsk’s. Midoriya can imagine him shaking his head in disapproval.

“If I do, the nightmares will come back.” He states weakly, and his shoulders tighten. “I-I can’t. I don’t want to see you fall again.”

“..Stay on the line.”

Midoriya doesn’t know what to expect, as he stayed waiting. A couple seconds became a few minutes, and then those minutes became at least fifteen minutes of no response.

He’s about to hang up, thinking Bakugou had to go back to combat, until he hears loud rummaging.

“You there?” Bakugou voices.

He nods. But then, Midoriya remembers that Bakugou can’t see him. “Y-Yeah. I am.” He hurriedly states.

“Good.”

There’s a lot more movement and noise sounding off on Bakugou’s end; clinking of metal, heavy footsteps, car horns, beeping of sorts.

“I put you on my bluetooth.” Bakugou mentions it easily.

“N-No! Don’t do that, Kacchan!” Midoriya frantically insists, sitting up fully in his seat.

“I need to do my fucking job, idiot.”

“Then, hang up!”

“Yeah, but you need me.”

Midoriya stills. Despite his pleas to leave, his heart soars achingly, appreciating Bakugou’s efforts towards him. It causes a surge of tears, threatening to fall. “I-I don’t want to bother you.”

“You’re exhausting, Deku.” Bakugou groans, “If you were, I would have hung up by now.”

“What are you even planning for us to do, then?”

“Fucking easy.” Bakugou huffs confidently, “Keep your phone to your ears.”

“Keep my phone?”

“So, when you fall asleep, you can still continue hearing me alive.” Bakugou states, “Hear me talk, walk, breathe. Maybe, in your shit dreams, I’ll be alive there, too.”

Midoriya smiles, his vision blurring. “I wish you were here.” He confesses.

“I’m right here.” Bakugou firmly states, his voice resounding deep in Midoriya’s fragile, weakened core. “Just don’t fucking hang up, and I’ll be here.”

And, Midoriya doesn’t. He listens quietly to Bakugou flying around his city, the booming of his explosives reaching his call. And, he hears all the conversations Bakugou has with people; his sidekicks, the bypassing citizens, his fellow fans.

Midoriya overhears Bakugou mentioning to someone that yes, he was on a call, and no, it wasn’t their business who. “It’s someone I would fucking fight for. There. Happy now?” Bakugou relents, finally.

Midoriya wants to laugh, but instead, he feels his body light and sleepy. Resting flat on the couch, he brings a pillow to his chest, and allows himself to close his eyes.

The last thing he hears from Bakugou is a small, short whisper. “Let me fight those nightmares, Deku.”

His dreams consist of Bakugou beating up All for One with ease.

#star responds #another airplane ficlet !!! for my bestie !!#why do they consist of sleeping?? bwewjk i think i was missing my bed #but yes !! nightmare prone! deku with his reliable kacchan #i luv the idea that bakugou would totally hook midoriya up on bluetooth #& if anyone asks. he brushes them off. 'it's important'#hope you like it !!!!#bakudeku #bkdk #katsudeku #dekubaku #dkbk #bakugou-klancey-lance #my beloved #FICLET

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