#although the people in-universe had a difficult time accepting it

[mann-walter]

To me, Transformers Prime is Bayverse, but the universe chooses not to be mean for fun toward Optimus Prime.

[heartlogan]

living to lose

✮— logan x f!mutant!reader (set in worst wolverine’s universe)

✮— summary: logan won’t wear the suit.

✮— a/n: this is gonna be kinda short, but i am in <3 w the concept. (i wrote this in less than an hour bro) i haven’t seen this before so .. lmk if yall want a longer version . perhaps a series ? if yall do, let me know what power reader should have !! and perhaps a nickname 🫡

✮— warnings: DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE SPOILERS, humans vs mutants, and all the prejudice that comes with that, talk of mutants being killed for being mutants etc, xmen bonding, angst, canon typical violence (kinda? mentioned?), logan being stubborn, lmk if theres more!

masterlist | part two

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Life in the X-Mansion wasn’t what it once was.

If you were honest, life itself had begun to lose that glow that it once had. You supposed that it was hard to retain it when every day you were faced with the reality that humans wanted you all dead. And sure, it wasn’t like you hadn’t known that before, but each day you saw news stories coming out about mutants killed in the street, the X-Men were called out constantly to assist in human and mutant matters, and were always met with hatred.

You just wished that people could coexist. Would that be so difficult? For the humans to realise that mutants weren’t that much different from themselves, not really. Everyone had the fundamental building blocks of human DNA, mutants just so happened to have the X gene thrown in the mix.

Still, there were positives to life. Such as Logan, for you, because you were pretty sure Scott wouldn’t categorise him as a positive.

There had been something unspoken between the two of you for almost a decade, stretching across hundreds of battles and memories. Neither of you had actually brought yourselves to talk about it, both too afraid of loss.

But every night when he struggled to sleep, he joined you in your own bed. An incredible progression of your relationship, really, because it wasn’t like Logan to actually ask for help. Not that he did much talking on those nights. Every time you needed comfort after a painful mission, he was there, brooding silently at your side. A hand on the small of your back, or around your shoulders, if you were lucky.

He refused to acknowledge his role in your life, or his role on the team, no matter how much everybody begged him to.

The infamous Wolverine was so intimidated by the idea of admitting he cared, so scared that it would turn out like his past relationships, that he couldn’t bring himself to accept his place in your lives. He was stubborn, and wouldn’t allow anybody to have leverage over him.

It was another afternoon call out, a mutant in distress, and humans harassing whoever it was. It was bound to get violent, which was why everybody was suiting up.

“C’mon, Logan, just wear the suit.” You said, brows furrowed as you held the folded suit out towards him, watching him roll his eyes. “You’re a part of the team. Wear it.”

“She’s right, Logan.” Storm agreed, already clad in her own suit, much like yourself. It presented a united front, a symbol for other mutants that there was hope out there for them, no matter how dire the world seemed.

“Fuck, no.” Logan responded immediately, voice gruff and dismissive, barely sparing the yellow spandex a glance before he was turning away, grabbing his own jacket from its hanger. “Yellow ain’t my colour, bub.” He grumbled when he felt your eyes still on him, practically carving a hole in the back of his head.

“Logan.” You said pleadingly, feeling disheartened. “We all wear it. You’ll look as handsome as you ever do, I swear.” You attempted, although you weren’t naive enough to believe that the almighty Wolverine could have his mind changed via flattery.

He might have admitted, in another life, that you made the yellow work extremely well. That he knew the team looked good in it, looked put together, almost untouchable. But that wasn’t this life. And he refused to let anybody believe he actually wanted to be a part of this godforsaken self-righteous team that named themselves the X-Men. That wasn’t him. It wouldn’t be him.

Scott wandered in, clad in his own suit, matching visor and all. “It’s not gonna work, guys. I’ve tried. Logan’s far too stubborn.” He said, and none of you could see his eyes, but his disappointment was palpable. Logan only grunted in response.

“Fine,” You said, and he could hear the disappointment despite this not being the first time he had denied the suit. It had been a debate for a long while, by now. “I’ll leave it with you. Just in case you change your mind.”

“I won’t.” Logan said, with an air of finality. You said nothing.

The four of you headed out to the distress call not long after, three in cohesive suits, one decidedly not.

It turned into a fight, as most calls do nowadays, which lasted for what felt like ages. You returned, feeling more exhausted than you had in days. The humans only got more violent with time, inventing new and more powerful ways to hurt mutants. Weapons were being developed against mutant-kind with every day that passed, and it wasn’t lost on the X-Men. Your job was only getting harder and harder. And it was taking its toll on all of you.

“‘M goin’ to the bar. You coming?” Logan asked you, standing in front of where you sat on the couch with Storm, both still in your suits and equally tired. He raised his brows at you, indicating that this was a timed offer. You knew he would be out most of the night, getting as drunk as his healing factor would allow him. It wasn’t that kind of night for you.

“No, thanks. I’m gonna stay with the others.” You answered quietly, wanting nothing more than to marinate in your frustration with the rest of the team.

Logan looked at you for a second longer, hesitating for only a moment, before he grunted and stepped away. You could’ve sworn that he looked disappointed, as though he was hoping you would join him, or maybe ask him to stay. But you knew better, had become familiar with the sting of his rejection each time you had asked him to stay.

You wanted him to be a permanent feature of the X-Mansion, to stay after long missions, to not disappear for weeks at a time. You wanted the whole unspoken thing to become spoken at last, even if it hurt, but you knew he wasn’t ready for it. And despite you feeling similarly, feeling that exact same fear he felt, you knew he wasn’t willing to take on the challenge. To try. Hell, he wouldn’t even wear the suit.

If he had asked whether you wanted him to stay, you would’ve said yes without thought. Without hesitation. But Logan wouldn’t put himself in that situation, so he never did ask. He only hesitated. And for you, that wasn’t enough.

He knew it, too, which might have been the worst part of it all.

You watched him leave, heard the slam of the door behind him not long after, and could only sigh to yourself.

“Everything okay?” Storm asked you from the opposite end of the couch, tilting her head towards you from where she had been idly staring at the ceiling. She looked as though she knew the answer, whether she had already known, or had gotten it from the look on your face, though, you weren’t sure.

“D’you think he’ll ever stick around? Wear the suit?” You questioned her in response, fixing your eyes on the fireplace in front of you for a few moments before her silence became too much. You looked at her, confused and slightly concerned.

She looked as downtrodden as you felt, which was saying something. “I… don’t know. I hope so, but… hope is a feeble thing, in this world. I’m not sure it means much anymore.”

Beast wandered in, with Scott at his side, blue fur still singed from a battle a few days prior. “I’m sure he will come around. Logan is a stubborn man, but a good one.” He commented, pushing his glasses further up his nose, but still squinting through them as he found his place in an armchair.

“We’ll see. Maybe we can make an X-Man of him, yet.” Scott added, sinking into the sofa cushion between you and Storm, wearing his glasses rather than his visor, for once. You thought could almost see the shape of his eyes, through the red lens.

“Either way, I’m sure he’ll linger. If not for us, then for those poor kids. We have all seen how much they idolise him.” Storm said, which was true, but still stung slightly. You wished that Logan would linger for you, too, but you knew it wasn’t likely. But for the kids… well, he might just look back for them.

“He’s their hero.” You agreed quietly, before resting your head on Scott’s shoulder. He said nothing, but you felt his quiet appreciation of the touch. The team needed comfort, in times like these, you included. Beast reached over and took Storm’s hand not long after, and you saw her squeeze him in response.

Jean wandered in not too long later, having been busy helping to look after the new mutant in the medbay. You made space for her between you and Scott, and resumed your position on her shoulder. She rested her head on your own, and the five of you breathed quietly, not speaking. There was nothing much to speak about, nothing that could comfort you, anyway. The world continued its descent into chaos and hatred, and despite the X-Men’s best efforts, nothing any of you did would be changing it.

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It was Beast raising the alarm that woke you up, and Jean jolted awake soon after you.

“The humans, they’re here!” He shouted, diving into action, with Storm and Scott following soon after while you and Jean shared a single glance, her eyes filled with terror.

“Get the kids!” You yelled to her, as you jumped from the couch, heading to confront the humans with Scott, Beast and Storm. All the while, you were wondering where Logan was.

It was a thought that remained present in the back of your head, a wish that he was safe, unharmed. You couldn’t decide whether you wanted him to show up, to be the hero all of the kids knew him to be, or whether you wanted him far away, safe from what you were certain would be a lethal encounter.

The humans wouldn’t just come to the X-Mansion lightly. They would be prepared. Armed to the teeth, you were sure. And the moment you caught a glance outside of the window, seeing the crowds outside, glints of machinery and weapons, you knew you were right.

For a moment, you thought you saw him out there, until the two humans stepped apart, shattering the illusion of their shadows. The call of his name died on your lips.

“X-Men, to me.” Scott called out, and his grave expression told you that he had already had the same realisation as you. Most of you, if any at all, wouldn’t be getting out of this alive.

“Together?” Storm questioned, eyes glowing that bright white that only added to her ethereal look. She locked eyes with you, and you nodded firmly.

“Together.”

[wannabepoeticischiya]

in the wake of stars... there, we remain

Do you wish to know the horrible truth? When I close my eyes, her memory does not resurface. I cannot remember her laugh, or even tell apart her voice. All that remains is the waking thought that she was the only woman I ever loved—the only thing I ever wanted. And the Abyss took her away from me. The gods took her away from me! And all the time in the universe—all the power this world has to offer—couldn't fill the void she left behind.

ao3: in the wake of stars... there, we remain pairing: capitano x f! reader genre: angst, romance wc: 16k status: one shot art by: C50spicy

“Granny!”

“Freminet! Don’t call her that—”

A soft chuckle echoed in the closed room, halting the chastise the magician was about to bestow on his younger brother.

“It’s quite alright, Lyney. I’m sure little Freminet meant no harm.” A pair of blackened hands patted the young boys’ heads, the blue veins marring the skin contrasting with the oceans of blond threads.

Despite Freminet’s endearment of the woman, no sign of aging was visible on her youthful face. A stranger might even proclaim her as an older sister to the infamous Knave of the House of Hearth. But the only thing stopping them from doing so was the darkened skin tracing from under her left ear all the way to the horizons of her forehead.

“Can you tell us the story again? Please?” The little blond diver sat near the woman’s feet, looking up at her with big beady eyes—one which always proved difficult to refuse, even for their ‘Father’.

“Only if you promise not to call me an old lady again.” She playfully bargains with the child, although… [Name] wouldn’t really mind either way. “Now, gather around.” She ushers the children to move closer to her, for which they happily obliged.

A rhythmic song echoed in the bowels of her soul as she silently watched the children talk amongst one another, a joy she knew could only live here… in this home, in this time, with them, and nowhere else.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom under the golden sea, there lived a knight, brave, righteous, and kind as they could be. And this knight, he loved no one else but the woman who threw flowers at strangers with glee.

The citizens loved this knight, and everyone wanted to be acquainted with him. But this knight lived with no other thought than to love and be loved by me…

“Haven’t I already told you to get lost?”

Cradled under a dome of a million stars, a noble lady stood far on the far side of the balcony, gazing down with fiery eyes at the knight looking up at her from below. Threads of [h/c] swayed by the eternal gale that rounded the kingdom every after-dark, ruffling the violet and golden garments she wore oh so devotedly—a striking contrast to him who wore clothes darker than the void itself.

“Ah, well—” his voice echoes in the silence of twilight, hopeful at best, painted as desperate for the woman on the loggia.

“My answer remains the same, Captain.”

Before the Captain could raise another protest, a plea for her to reconsider, the lady peered over the balustrade, angered at his stubbornness, “No.”

She could not wrap her head around his insistence, at first finding it admirable before it morphed to be unbearable. Many times had she told him off:

‘I must refuse your proposal, my lord’

‘I’m honored, really, but I cannot accept’

‘Surely, a maiden far fairer than me would most wholeheartedly embrace your affections’.

One would think that after three rejections, he would relent.

At one point, she believed him to have raised the white flag, given that he had ceased his advancement for a full fortnight.

That is until she ran into him at the plaza one fateful afternoon. Finding him surrounded by a sea of people both of highborn and low, militia and serpent knights, harboring him affection and regard.

The shadow of her presence was enough to stop their banters, the weight of her name parting the ocean of people, and before her… was a path that led right to him.

Snapping out of the memory, she is reminded that the object of her daydreams was still perched upon the street below her awaiting an acceptance that the lady swore would never come, even if he is a knight. “Now, if you will be so kind as to step aside—”

“My lady…”

A sharp stare silenced the Commander’s tongue, forcing him to freeze where he stands, burning the remnants of his thoughts. All that remained was the echo of her voice, the light reflecting off her eyes, the presence of her soul. He wouldn’t have minded staying rooted there for the rest of the evening, shackled to that post until the end of his time, so long as she would be near. A call away, just over the wall, looking at him from the panes of her windows.

“Please move out of the way, Capitano. I have more pressing matters to attend to.”

The Commander, as if time began to march slower, saw her marching towards the archway that would lead her indoors, and before he could detain his tongue—his thoughts had run past his better judgement.

“Throwing flowers at passersby hardly seems to be of urgency.”

[Name] let out a scoff of disbelief, swiping away her hand that held the doorknob and turned to march back towards the balcony, peering down at him with all the disdain in the cosmos. The nerve of this—this… “A lot more concerning than having you propose another time when my take on the matter will not change. Now, move out of the way before I throw a pot at you.”

“But why?”

The lady looked at him cynically, was he asking in accordance with his repeated rejection or for the threat of the pot? She would be happy to indulge in the latter, but [Name] knew that the ever-righteous Captain was not one to act like a fool… yet he continued to play the jester with her.

“Are we really going over this again?” She looks at him in exasperation, internally wondering how he rose to such power when he was stubborn as a mule. “Have you forgotten where you stand? I am a lady of the house [L/n], you are a Commander for the knights. Do you really dare have me be insulted by it all? Let me remind you again: from the moment we met all those years ago, when you had so brazenly declared to me that you would take arms and fight the heavens, your conceit and selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you will be the last man I’d ever be prevailed upon to marry. And I would rather dine on the scraps of field tillers and cross the seven seas with no leverage than be courted by the likes of you. Good day.”

Capitano stared at her retreating figure, counting that as the fifth attempt to court her that month. And the overall hundredth rejection for the last five, or was it seven, years? Every time she turned down his advancements it had him motivated to do more, to be more, become better.

Because in his eyes… there was no greater blessing, no greater honor than to love her.

[Name] who offered him cakes and cookies down by the gardens all those summers ago, the one who ran down the streets to welcome him back, the little lady who pushed the swing when he sat alone by the playground. [Name] who supported his dream of knighthood, the lady who dressed his wounds, who wiped his tears, parted his lips so he could breathe.

I’d be the last man she’d ever be prevailed upon to marry… she didn’t say she’d never marry me—just that I’m her last option.

Even if the same [Name] now sneers at all things related to him and his status as a commander.

A foolish smile carved its way onto his face, eyes as deep as the depths of the ocean shining in delight at the newfound hope.

There’s still a chance!

But love didn’t come easy for the knight, no matter the ardency of his feelings, the sincerity of his soul, nor the patience in his heart. The lady simply turned a blind eye to him—

“That’s awful! Mr. Knight must be very sad.” A little girl cried while her friend tried to console her by rubbing her back, the sight tugging at the seams of [Name]’s heart.

“Indeed, how cruel the lady must have been.” She agrees gently, curling a fistful of fabric under her touch, suppressing the urge to just run outside and comb the earth to make it all right. How cowardly was I to have shunned your affection for so long…

Not long after, one of the older kids spoke her piece, “If a knight as chivalrous as him had loved me, I would never let him go, not even for all the mora in the world.”

For a few arbitrary seconds, [Name] is left at a loss for words.

Perhaps it’s the curse taking effect or maybe it’s the regret clawing from the depths of her eroding soul. Still, it remained clear that the young lady’s words were something she wished she had lived by all those centuries ago.

“Nor I.” [Name] concedes, acknowledging the boldness—the genuineness—of the child’s declaration with a look of understanding.

But no matter how we wish to change our fate, to pave a way for a better tomorrow, a waking moment where we aren’t suffocated by the crushing weight of regret—that was all they could remain as: wishes.

It didn’t matter how ardently we pray for it to be true, how earnestly we chant so we could forge it into being… because when the dust settles and the moon is at rise, only then we’ll know…

“You see, children, to speak of love is an easy task, even the most vicious of people can do it. But to wait and prove that it’s true—even when there is no guarantee of getting loved in return, that is an act of faithfulness that cannot be accomplished by everyone. It takes merely a few seconds to profess love, but doing it takes more than a lifetime. And to find someone eager to spend that time with you… is a blessing that not everyone is fortunate enough to receive.”

…that some tales are not fated for a happy ending.

The children looked at her in amazement, no matter the blights of her curse on her skin—how it can easily depict her a monster—Lady [Name] is still one of the kindest people they have ever been lucky enough to meet.

Love didn’t come in all the shades of the rainbow as the lady had hoped. Love didn’t come dressed in willingness as the knight assumed.

Perhaps, in their hearts, they knew.

Sometimes, love can come painted like a summer night: dark as it comes but scattered with a hundred million stars. Sometimes, love is cloaked in hesitance: a gentle wave by the shores dyed with the warmth of a thousand suns.

And sometimes… love appears in forms we least expect it to take.

“You turned him down? The Captain? The Commander of the Serpent Knights? The Captain?”

A young woman paced around the room, struggling to accept the story her friend told her only moments prior.

“Yes, Peruveere, I did.”

[Name] rolled her eyes at the other person’s restless mumbling, continuously taking apart the petals from the flowers. And as if sensing the follow-up questions of her inquisitive friend, [Name] quickly attached the rest of her answers not a breath later, “Yes, the Captain. Yes, the Commander of the Serpent Knights. Yes, the Captain. And yes, Il-Capitano, the ever-righteous, strong and brave, nigh-invincible Captain. I turned him down just as I had the previous time he asked, and the time before that, as well as all the other advances he had made. And I will continue to do so if he keeps insisting. It will not change.”

She tore another petal away from the stem, not sparing a single glance at the other lady currently losing her marbles over the simple matter of [Name]’s rejection of matrimony.

“But why?”

[Name] tore her eyes away from the busy streets and looked over her shoulder to her friend with a stare of utter disbelief, as though she, herself, could not wrap her head around the question directed at her. [Name] could not choose which one of her inner turmoils would best fit the situation at hand: ‘You know why’, was one, and ‘I cannot, in my wildest dreams, believe that you would really ask me that’, was another. Though it seemed that no matter the choice, it still would not be enough to convey the entirety of her plight.

“I know that look, missy.” Peruveere narrowed her cross-marked eyes at [Name], drawing lines in the air as if it would raise the stakes of an imaginary court to accuse her further. “Your thoughts are all over your face! Peruveere, you’re a fool to ask me that—a lunatic to even ask why—I question to this day why I am friends with someone as empty-headed as you.”

The obsidian of her hair shone under the golden light of the artificial sun, casting away the shadows of the locks of her hair that were colored in ivory.

“Those are your words, my friend, not mine.” [Name] smirked, crossing her arms over her chest as she turned to face the fuming lady before her. “You know me, Peruveere, nothing in this world can persuade me into matrimony. If you wish to be tied to that man so very much, why don’t you marry him instead?” she offered, smiling faintly at the prospect of having to get rid of that persistent knight.

Peruveere scoffed at the idea, waving a hand in the air as though it would scatter her friend’s ridiculous suggestions.

Soon after, her expression morphed into something far too difficult for [Name] to interpret, “One day, [Name], you will wake up with your head in your hands and realize how wrong you were, and you will wish to have done things differently. You will wish that you loved him a little earlier so you could have loved him longer. And you will hear the echoes that my foresight was correct. The way I endeavored to inform you will come into light, and after all of that is said and done, only then will I trust that my earlier warning has been understood—"

[Name] let out a sound of alarm at the near cursing her friend was speaking, now it was her turn to wave her hands in the air as though it would rid of the baleful prescience. “Stop. Stop. Stop!”

Peruveere ignored [Name]’s superstitions and instead opted to convey her thoughts on all the privileges that [Name] would possess once she is married to the Commander.

“Every noble lady in the kingdom wants to be wed to Capitano! He’s got it all, you know, titles, wealth, power, influence—” Peruveere listed off his qualities from the tips of her fingers, explaining how each one of them would be beneficial to her and what it could mean for the years to come. Peruveere droned on and on until she finished at least ten laps on both hands, and [Name]’s ears were on the verge of caving in from how many times that brooding man’s name left the lips of her friend.

“And as your bestest, greatest, most fabulous, not to mention only friend, I have to root for you! I must! You two are practically born of the same soul! And to address your previous statement, no, I will not marry him on your behalf. Capitano is not what I look for in a man, he wears too much black, his friend on the other hand, oh my Dainsleif—hey! Where are you going?”

Peruveere quickly traced the steps of her departing friend, not quite finished with listing off the reasons why [Name] should accept the Commander’s proposal.

[Name] reckons Peruveere could never understand.

She wasn’t present at the time. She wasn’t even part of [Name]’s life when it all came crashing down. So how could Peruveere understand why rejecting Capitano hurts [Name] more than it did him? Especially when he was so persistent, so dedicated, treating her feelings as though being at the receiving end of it was an honor far higher than the heavens. Especially because he does all of that.

Capitano gave it all… and it was being wasted when she could not bring herself to return it despite every inch of her soul begging her to do so.

“A place where I won’t hear another mention of that man’s name—” [Name] saw Peruveere brace herself to question and quickly snuffed it out, “—or his accomplishments, his power, his oh-so-handsome visage, or anything even remotely related to him!” [Name] yelled, sick of all the iterating questions of why when she had already been so clear of her intentions. Peruveere, mother, even my sisters… all asking the same thing, and no matter my answer, they still won’t relent.

“[Name]…”

She snapped out of her thoughts, the consequence of her action hitting her with full force as she looked at the stupefied expression on her friend’s face. “Peruveere—I… I apologize, I did not mean to—”

Peruveere caught the hand that was reaching out to her, encasing them fully in warmth as she gazed at [Name] in a kind light. “No, I should be the one to apologize, [Name]. I shouldn’t have pushed you too far. If you don’t wish to speak about him or hear of his person, then I won’t tell of him at all.”

Peruveere’s patience ate at [Name]’s heart, flooding it with guilt. Words said on a whim that hurt her friend’s heart when all she ever wanted to do was ensure that [Name] could live with someone by her side.

Perhaps Peruveere did understand. Maybe she understood far more than [Name] could have.

“If only my family was as accepting as you.” [Name] could only smile at her kindness, squeezing the hand that held hers.

The two friends laughed at the thought knowing well that the heavens would fall before the great house of [L/n] weakens their immovable resolve. [Name]’s lineage wasn’t exactly known for being one of the friendly fellows of the kingdom, with their emotionless fronts, and closely guarded connections, it proved to be difficult to even just see one of their own walking down the streets as leniently as [Name] did. Their headstrong attitudes and unrelenting tendencies to stop at nothing to get what they wanted drove any and all coming acquaintances away.

It was a miracle that [Name] even had Peruveere for this long.

“I just… don’t wish to be unhappy all my life.” [Name] admits sadly, choosing to look at the dust littered on the cobblestone path.

“What do you mean?”

The chatters of everyday life seemed to blend in with all the colors of Khaenri'ah, until all that remained was the echo of the man loved by all… and yet loved only her.

She laughs and caught Peruveere’s stare with a net of fear—frightened of the uncertainty that came with a person like Il-Capitano. “I hear what people say about him, too, you know. The ever-righteous Captain, the nigh-invincible Captain, the brave and fearless Captain.”

“All good traits, are they not?”

[Name] gave her a pained stare, “When people put him in that light, he is. Yet all the same, it paints him in a different color… like he’s so far away. Don’t you fear that someone possessing such unprecedented righteousness is a latent danger? How… how could someone like that ever truly live? Will he ever truly confide? What if I am the embodiment of all that he detests—everything he cannot accept? Could he still bring himself to love me just as he proclaims?”

“You have yet to know that, [Name].” Peruveere shook her head, trying to coax her friend out of the spiralling doubt, “It isn’t fair to put assumptions on him when you haven’t given him the chance to act on how he really feels. He loves you. For eight long years he’s proven it, practically reformed the heavens so his adoration for you could be caged by the finiteness of this world!”

[Name] denied her friend’s suggestion, finding it too farfetched to be bled into reality.

How could she bring herself to believe his sentiments to be true when the prime of his promises to her had been broken from the moment he turned his back on her that fateful night?

I want to love you, I really do… but what would become of me if I gave it all to you once more? I know it’s tiring to love—to wait. I know I’m not the only one drowning in this ocean of grief when a thousand others were subjected to the same heartache.

But why does it feel like such a sin to love you now?

I don’t know how I’ll free myself from this fear—this soul-binding fear of leaving it all behind.

“Love is an illusion, Peruveere. We believe it because we haven’t seen what’s beyond that. That just as easily as you claim it to be true, it is just as easily gone—taken away before we know it.”

Because what if I did do it—leave everything behind? And what if beyond that, you will leave me, too?

Peruveere sighed in surrender. [Name] spoke words of fear, sentiments plunged in the depths of heartache, a great many things to project hostility but they all meant one thing: come and save me—if you truly love me, take me away from here. That much she understood, it was [Name] who was blinded by her shadows who remained cloaked in ignorance.

“But he might prove you wrong if you give him a chance.”

At her words, [Name] raised her head to look at her, and Peruveere took it as a sign to continue.

“Tell him of your grievances, what makes you happy, the things that upset you. Perchance you might find him a lot more flattering than he does you. He isn’t asking you for a thousand chances [Name], just one.”

‘Can I escort you to town, my lady?’

‘May I have the next dance, Lady [Name]?’

‘Please, do me the honor of accepting my hand.’

“And what if it doesn’t work?” She whispers, feeling the tears prickle at the back of her eyes.

Peruveere smiles, caressing the hills of her cheeks, “You’d be surprised at how often it does.”

The lady found herself tracing the paths of the past. How the pillars of her fear formed the walls that guard her frail heart. Underneath the mountains of rejection, blanketed by years' worth of injustice, numbed by the unrelenting march of time, there existed a version of her… who had once loved the knight more than there were stars in the sky.

“Are you so ugly that you have to hide behind a canvas of the evening sky?”

The masked squire pivoted on his heel, nearly swatting her head off clean with the wooden practice sword.

“Whoa—hey!”

A flock of birds flew away from the volume of her voice, shaking the foliage bordering the courtyard. A gentle breeze swayed between the falling leaves, scattering a palette of white and yellow petals in their wake, painting upon the once-green lands with their hue.

Domed by the artificial Khaenri'ahn sky, a young lady and a young boy stood face to face. One with a soul as radiant as the stars in the heavens crouching down to cover her head, and another dyed in the color of the midnight sun, entranced by her abrupt advent.

As if realizing the silence left by their strange encounter, the masked boy quickly got down on one knee and struggled to find the words to say, fearful that he might be offending a prominent figure in court. “I apologize, my lady. I did not mean to endanger you in any way.”

The young woman, as though struck by the reminder of their difference in status, quickly gathered herself: pulling her figure from the ground, patting away the micro spectacle of dust that had managed to touch her expensive dress.

“Ahem.” She cleared her throat, every bit of her mannerisms hinting that she was not used to interacting in such a formal fashion—as though she was not used to interacting at all! She took a peek at his still kneeling form, not finding him the least bit familiar, he must be new. She memorized the slouch in his shoulders, the hesitation in his movements, the threads of obsidian hair protruding from under his ridiculous helmet.

“You are pardoned, please rise.”

A younger version of [Name] stood before the young boy.

“You are most kind, my lady.”

The one who would soon be known as Capitano.

The lady, curious of his reasons for hiding his face, went by the gardens to pursue an answer. Unfailingly, for three full moons and a crescent, she sought out his company. Finding even the most mundane questions of everyday life directed at him, yet the prime interest she had was not answered until the first fall of the snow.

“I hope you like the cakes. The helpers in the kitchen always seem to make far too much of it,” the young lady walked around the edge of the winter wonders, watching as the young knight trained even under the descent of the cold. “And because no one wants to share them with me, I am left to enjoy them all.”

The young knight, ever so subtly, turned his head in her direction, a small gesture to let her know that despite his straining routines he would always make room for the things she had to share.

“I’m glad to be the one who shares them with you, my lady.”

[Name] caught herself smiling at the knight, feeling as the flames stemmed from her racing heart all the way to the horizons of her fingertips, casting fire to the hills of her cheeks, the bowels of her soul—the embers in her mind.

No words followed those fleeting sentences, only the breaths of a diligent knight, and a lady brimmed with adoration. The heavens falling to witness the waltz of two souls, dancing to the melody of a tune made to bind for all eternity.

The knight ceased his practice, drawing nearer to the lady waiting by the steps.

She could have watched him from the balcony, or not at all yet here… in this place shrouded with the harshness of winter, closer to where he was—there, she stayed.

He began to wonder, when did I begin to see like this? As though all of the heavens and the earth only came into being so they could hold you. What greatness did I do… that I am worthy to behold you? That I am so fortunate to have existed in a time—a place where I could love you as much as I desired?

Driven by the intensity of his emotions, the knight turned his back and began to walk away from her.

The lady, unsure of what to make of it all, snickered under her breath. [Name] found his behavior strangely endearing, to think one of the most skilled in knighthood could have been rendered flustered just by the thoughts running in his head was something not even the greatest of alchemists could conjure.

With a small laugh, [Name] stepped a foot into the snow followed by another, slowly tracing the footprints the knight in front of her had carved into the winter treasures.

The knight, who had initially only intended to break away for a few seconds, took notice of the way his lady had started to walk upon the path he made. With a smile of his own, he began to take wider steps, knowing that she would surely start to struggle.

[Name] had to leap in her step to continue her little fun, but the added distance in the interval of his steps along with the weight of her clothes had her stumbling a few moments later.

The young knight, ever so quick in his steps, turned with swift haste, catching her in his arms before she could hit the snowy ground.

A different object, however, had fallen into the snow.

“Oh,” Her breath was painted white from the cold, yet her eyes reflected the deep blues of the irises that looked to her with such ardent affection. “You aren’t ugly.”

But stars did not shine, they burned. And just as quickly did the snow thaw, the reality of their distant worlds had dawned on them. Lightning painted the canvas of their skies, ripping it open for the rain to fall—dousing the embers of their adoration for one another.

“Please… I beg you, do not go.” An older lady clung to the cloths of a man’s armor, hugged by the artificial lights of the Khaenri'ahn sky… the two lovers held onto one another as though it was their last day on this land.

The man touched the lady’s cheeks, ridding the mar of silver water racing down the canvas of her face. “I must, my dear. It is my duty.”

The Serpent Knights have been called to defend the borders of the kingdom from the ill-will of the abyss. A duty that was promised honor, gratitude, and legacy whether they emerged victorious or not—whether they returned breathing or not at all.

[Name]’s father was a knight bestowed the rank Captain, prestige that came with the comfort of wealth, and the oath of power. But for her mother, who loved her husband dearly, all it came with was the looming danger, the never-ending saga of fearing for his life.

And even if [Name] was still beyond the sense of maturity, she could piece apart that much.

Many words were exchanged by her mother and father, promises of eternity, a love to last a thousand lifetimes and a thousand more after that, that her mother only needed to wait—wait, and surely, her husband would return to her.

Yet as selfish as it sounds, even if oaths were broken and lives were lost, her mother didn’t want her father to go.

“It is also your duty to stay by your family’s side! We need you—I… I need you.”

“But the people need me more.”

[Name] who was watching from behind a towering pillar, looked at her father in disbelief, feeling as the little crevices in her heart began to rip its surface clean. Silently coming to terms with the truth that knights and all that they were associated with will always, unfailingly, put their duty above any other.

The real world was not like the stories her father had told her. Knights do not stay with the people they love when a kingdom is in threaten for ruin… they go out there and fight for the kingdom they had sworn to protect.

Even if it cost them their lives.

Even if the price paid for a momentary tranquility is the anguish of a broken heart, a wife’s grief for the loss of a husband, a daughter’s heart shattered to a million irreparable pieces at the loss of a father, a family torn apart so another could live completely.

And as if the universe wanted to play, [Name] found herself looking into the abyssal canvas of his face on the far side of the courtyard, almost as if she was asking him the same request as her mother did to her father.

‘Don’t go…’

But she knew that this righteous knight, the ever so brave recruit, the nigh-invincible young Capitano was the same as her honorable father.

Even if the price paid for a momentary equanimity was the silence of a lover, the heartache of a soul left alone in the world, a heart once entrusted to the hands of those who had sworn never to break it, shattered by the same hands.

Because that was the price you paid for loving a knight.

The weight of the years numbed the pain, and the tears had blurred the memories. Yet all the same, it proved that no matter how deep the valley that severed their ties, it could not hide the lingering affection littering the oceans of their skies.

"Oh, Il-Capitano~ Commander of the Royal Army."

“We have most patiently awaited your safe return.”

“What an honor it is to have someone like you in the kingdom’s service.”

Nobilities and common people alike gushed at the arrival of the esteemed commander. One enshrouded in the colors of the night, with what looked like the heaviest coat in all of mankind draped over his shoulders.

He marched through the gates of the kingdom perched atop his tall, midnight steed. And as if feeling her drilling stare, that faceless helmet turned to gaze in her direction. A simple gesture, one which a stranger could have passed as nothing but a meaningless movement, but to [Name]… she knew, that it meant more to the knight than the praises sung at his name.

Perhaps it was a trick of the light, or the sadness clawing its way out of her soul. [Name] would have taken any other explanation, any other reason, so long as it wasn’t the one forcing its way through her throat.

For a fleeting second, everything had crumbled away. In the place of that tall, imposing, broad-shouldered knight was a younger boy, one whose eyes looked far too hesitant to urge the stallion forward, his form was slouched, often kneeling before her, he who had promised the world.

Yet when she blinked, both figures were gone, one buried under the weight of time, and the other marching forward, once again turning his back on her.

No longer a young, naïve, lovestruck squire but a revered commander, righteous, brave, and powerful.

Rumors in the plaza spoke about how the Commander never smiled, or that there was nothing in his life other than his duty and the endless battles against the abyss. But the conversation that sparked about the most was the mystery behind his mask.

Others spoke that his face had been scarred by his countless conquests that he had no choice but to hide it from his enemies, while some say that he was born unfortunate in the department of looks therefore forcing him to wear such a thing to shield his deformed face from the eyes of the public.

But [Name] knew otherwise.

“Isn’t this exciting, [Name]?” Her friend, Peruveere, looks to her with eager eyes.

The young lady was a descendant of the previous dynasty, named Crimson Moon. Peruveere was the one who had so boldly claimed to be her friend after [Name] had thrown a fistful of flowers at her by accident.

[Name] shrugged and pretended to be indifferent to it all, forcing herself to look away as she felt his stares burn holes into her very being. "Eh, I've fallen witness to better."

That was a lie, of course.

The only one that could ever hope to best him in anything was himself, and [Name] was sure that the ever so charming Il-Capitano, Commander of the Royal Army, knew that for himself. But [Name] would rather eat all the snow in her courtyard than have to admit that to his face or anyone for that matter.

"The cats loitering the streets would hiss at you for saying that. Even they admire Capitano." Peruveere shook [Name] back and forth as she eagerly watched as the fleet of soldiers march back to the palace grounds.

[Name] tried to ignore the incessant beatings of her heart at the mention of his name. One which she hasn’t spoken in a long, long while.

"He looks far more miserable since the last I saw him." She unconsciously whispers, tracing the outlines of his shadows until his figure is nothing but a speck in the far-off distance.

Then again, how long has it been since I last saw you? Certainly not long enough!

"Perhaps it's because you keep declining him." Peruveere perks, smiling pointedly at [Name] who was still looking in the direction of the castle.

The lady let out a bitter chuckle, of course, I’d never marry him!

Capitano returned to her all those moons ago, nearly after three years, he returned.

But by then, her heart had come to realize the weight of his promises. That next to his duties, they meant absolutely nothing.

"Oh, woe. His poor soul." She emptily comments, finally tearing her gaze away from the reminder of his broken oaths.

"Please, [Name]. Miserable, yes. But poor he most certainly is not." Peruveere hooks an arm with [Name] and dragged her to descend the steps of her balcony.

"Do tell, Peruveere." [Name] rolls her eyes at her friend's antics, with half a mind listening to her ramble on and on about the oh-so-amazing Capitano, as they walked the now-empty streets to the plaza.

"All that power and wealth to his name and he commands half the Royal Army." Peruveere boasts as though speaking about that man made his achievements hers as well.

She really does hold that… man in high regard.

"The miserable half?" [Name] jests, leaving a fuming noble lady on the side of the street.

And so, tired of the longing glances and hearing the rhythm of two souls crying for one another, the heavens had moved to have it ceased…

Far into the depths of the night, when the trees slept and the lands were blanketed in silence, [Name] found herself standing by the steps that led to a courtyard.

Although this time, the space before her was covered with blades of grass and blossoming flora, the breeze was not sharp but rather a gentle lull in the ever-growing warmth of the season—a great contrast to a time when this place was riddled with cold, covered in his footsteps, thriving in the words he had no intention of keeping.

‘My lady,’ he whispers, drawing nearer to her. Close enough that his breath tangled with hers as the warmth of his hand draped over the hills of her reddened cheeks. ‘My heart calls your name, unfailingly, every night. My soul desires to see you—far too much that it has my gaze lingering in everything that reminds me of you. Each day, this feeling in me grows and I fear that the skies can no longer house them.’

‘I love you, [Name]… most ardently, please allow me the honor of staying by your side—’

“[Name].”

The sudden call broke the young lady from her daydreams. She turned hastily to meet the tired eyes looking straight at her.

“Mother.”

With the golden light of the chandelier seeping past the windowpanes, the scenery before her nearly resembled a painting of the heavens… except, the subject’s face was dyed in colors of loneliness—her mother’s heart died along with her father many, many years ago.

“You have a visitor.” She states plainly before tracing back her steps to enter the house once again.

[Name] furrowed her brows in confusion at who could be visiting her at this ungodly hour. Surely, Peruveere was sound asleep by now, and even if she wasn’t, her mother would never go as far as tell [Name] of her presence when she was already known by her entire family—she’s my only friend, it would be strange for them to do so.

As she stormed her brain for any other acquaintances who might be brave enough to knock on the gates of her home, the sounds of heavy footfalls and the clinking of metal chains flew past her ears.

Until a large body loomed over her fretting figure.

Even if she dared not to look, the stranger’s shadow—all broad-shouldered and imposing—already told her enough that this was no acquaintance.

Are you starving for another rejection? You really are thick-faced…

“Commander.” She greets coldly, curtsying for the sake of formality, rising once more to bravely look at the nothingness that shielded his face.

For a moment, Capitano did not know what to say, rendered speechless by the weight of reality that she really was standing in front of him. No longer crowds apart, no wall stopping him from seeing her, no meddling audience.

Just him and her, at last.

“You look well, my lady.” He smiles, although it was quickly wiped away by the steely expression still plastered on her face as well as the realization that she could not see him.

“I have no interest in making small talk with you, Commander.” [Name] looks away, turning her attention to any other thing that wasn’t the darkness in the place of his visage. “Speak of what you want and be done with it.”

A faint click resounded in the silent atmosphere followed by a small sound of something hitting the earth. Capitano decides then, that if [Name] was going to drive him away no matter his intentions, it was best to just be honest and let all this tangled mess unravel thread by thread, even if it cut and strangled him in the process.

“Your mother… desires our union.”

[Name] spun on her heels at the imprudent claim, raising a finger to point at him daringly, “By that you mean—you desire this union.”

The now unmasked knight gently shook his head in denial, taking a small piece of parchment from the insides of his cloak, one which was sealed in the sigil of her house.

In a hurried panic, the noble lady swiped the paper from his hand, and every bit of him burned at the faintest graze of her touch.

With unbattered patience, Capitano watched as her eyes traced the ink that was bled onto the paper. He was over the stars, yes, but above all else, he wanted to know… if she wished for this to come into reality.

“You schemed this.” [Name] looks to him in disbelief, a line of silver brimming the horizons of her eyes. She clutched the paper so tightly that the mountains of her knuckles had been painted white, and the parchment had nothing left to do but rip apart at the center from the intensity of her hold.

Capitano awaited her to draw nearer, pressing his lips together before he whispered, “I did not.”

“You did.” She insisted, stopping in her trails once she was close enough to look him straight in the eye. “Because why now, out of the many times I have been suave by some nobleman did my mother finally agree? To you, no less. And I mean that in every possible offense.”

His ocean eyes searched the contours of her face for any hints of remorse, traces of hesitation, creases of consideration—even the littlest of faults, he would have accepted. If she was hiding them, her true emotions, even just a speck of the love he once held in the palm of his hands, then he must let her know that she was doing a splendid job.

“Why do you detest me so?” He asks softly, unconsciously raising a hand to caress her face but before he could, [Name] had already turned away.

The lady let out a loud scoff and began to walk away from him, blatantly avoiding his questioning gaze.

Unable to hide his frustration, the knight gambled his chances. "Tell me then, that I am not wanted."

[Name] halted in her steps, still looking in the direction of the bordering trees. Desperately ignoring the echoes of a treasured memory formed once upon a time in the same place she stood upon now.

“Leave, Commander.” She says, in a tone so bitter she could almost taste it.

“Look me in the eye, My Lady.” He urges demandingly, softly— “Step forth and tell me that you no longer want me. Scream at me. Command me to step aside, show me that I am the last man in this world you could ever want to marry. Then, my heart is yours to break.”

Capitano was not one to relent, choosing to close the distance between them in a few calculated steps, standing in front of her way.

“Tell me, what I did to have warranted your aggression. I will make it right, and I swear to you that I will do no such thing to tarnish your honor or be the center of your unhappiness.”

And after many, many years, [Name] finally gathered the courage she stacked upon one another and looked him in the eyes. That same pair of irises, dyed in the colors of the ocean that haunted her every waking moment.

“You Serpent Knights and your promises. Cease them already! You know you will break them sooner or later—you always do, unfailingly. And you always will.” She seethes, hitting his chest as if doing so would make the pain in hers hurt less.

“I will not.” He counters, raising his arms to wrap around her frame.

“You will. Don’t lie to me!”

“I won’t, and I would never.”

[Name] clutched a fistful of his clothing, pulling him closer to her—far too near that one push would have his lips grazing hers. 

“Alright then, swear to me right now that you—that you will not die. That when we are wed, you will return to me no matter what—there will stand no mountain, no ocean, nor lifetimes between you and me. Swear it. Say it to me right now.”

Capitano stares at her silence, long gone was the frail young lady who adored pastries. Her eyes shone in a vibrant light, the walls around her heart falling brick by brick to allow him the honor of gazing at the years of anguish she had endured by his single mistake, the passion in her eyes burning straight through his will to speak. This was the most she had ever spoken to him.

“I… ” He whispers, desperately fighting off the urge to just draw nearer and end this agony. I love you.

“You can’t.”

[Name] laughs bitterly, freeing her hold on him and walking past his figure.

No matter the years that passed him by, Il-Capitano remains the same righteous, brave, and powerful Serpent Knight. [Name] was not about to succumb to the shackles of matrimony with the inkling thought that she be a widow once the threat of war arose. She will not go down a sinking boat. Be married to a dying man.

“That’s a big promise.” Capitano swallows the lump in his throat as he watches her walk about the garden, ever so close to walking away completely. And he had this inkling thought, if she were to leave his sight right now, he would never see her again.

‘You’re drawing the shorter end of the stick with me,’ those were her words all those years ago, when his attempts were nothing but a flickering flame. Naïve, in the kindest words; half meant, in the worst.

Still, the way she had so kindly given him a choice on the matter had him steel his resolve. How easy it must have been for her to say no, tell him off—that she wishes to never see his face again, be near his soul, or be reminded of his existence—but she didn’t.

Even if it slipped her thoughts, what she gave him all those moments ago… was a chance.

One chance. One take. One moment to make it all right.

And all of the heavens will be damned if he did not take it.

Capitano did not speak of love to her, rather he showed it with every atom of his being. In every breath he took, all the gazes he sent her way, in his lingering but persistent affection. There, right along with him… his love had existed.

[Name] remains in silence, trying to suppress the trembling of her voice. He was not one to relent, not then… and most certainly not now.

It was useless trying to get soldiers to choose their personal attachments over the good of the many. That’s why I dearly detest them. Why allow yourself to love, to make home in the heart of another… only to leave and never return?  

Capitano waited for her, even when there was no guarantee that she could love him in return.

If she would have him, he would have all the eternities to tell her he loves her.

But here, when she is not so accepting of him, he would not do it.

‘I would rather live my days as the most unfortunate man to ever come into being than to live a life where you do not know that I love you.’

And his sentiments had sought him in his every waking moment.

“But for you, anything.”

[Name]’s world came to a standstill.

Every star nestled in the depths of the cosmos had ceased their dance. Blackholes frozen mid-spin. Nebulas that scattered like clouds lulling at the echo of his words. It drifted from galaxy to galaxy, in different timelines, in every version of existence.

"I would have seized the stars for you if you asked." He continues, taking step after step to close the distance between them, a silent promise that once she allows him to be near—a place in her life where he could stay, he would never leave.

Capitano could never have fathomed the gravity of those words, pulling every world she built, the doubts, the longing, every molecule of eagerness... they collided, spun, condensed, and burst forth to resound his words for all the eternities to come.

"The stars?" She echoes.

Everything began spinning fast—too fast. The colors around her merged, blurring her surroundings until all she could see was him. 

"Taken every single one of them." He affirms, tucking a stray lock behind her ear. "I would tally the heartbeats of every single thing that has ever lived on this planet, count the grain of sands in the deserts, drain the oceans, freeze the skies—you will only ever need to ask… and I will make it so. This is how much I would love you, if you will have me. You only ever need to say one word. Speak my name, and I am yours... from now until you are sick of me, 'til the last of the embers burn out into oblivion, until life ceases to exist—even beyond the destruction of nothingness—I am yours."

She allowed him to cross the distance between them. Not raising a hand in protest when the expanse of his palm had covered the plains of her cheeks.

She didn’t utter a single rejection when he touched her forehead with his, not even when his nose brushed against hers.

"In your acceptance, and in your denial... I am yours. In death and life. In the wake of destruction and reform. In this soul—before and beyond. Yours... and no one else's."

She didn’t do anything, even when the softness of his lips had descended on the meadows of her hairline.

Capitano, her memory reminded. Oh, but how could she ever forget? Not when he was looking at her like that—like one word from her would send him to paradise. She should be the one looking at him like that.

Because as it stands, [Name] was already there—in paradise—as though his soul was the shadow that guards her everyday life, the scent of flowers that follows her like daylight… the love that soothes her heart, every time he was away.

And so, the woman set her heart free and granted the knight a chance.

The lady and the knight loved with a love that was more than love.

Affection that was far from perfect, but they were made perfect for each other.

And so… love was made perfect for us.

The sound of waves crashing against the rocky mountains filled their hearts with ease. Nothing but the serene symphonies of nature pooling within the depths of their ears.

A thousand wonders brought by autumn descended from the trees, now looking as if they were reaching for the vast, multi-painted sky above. The breeze carried the leaves dyed in shades of vermillion and gold, scattering them across the earth.

The lady’s sudden laugh broke apart the peaceful atmosphere, making his heart tremble in delight as his head ever so slightly looked to her direction.

The way the late afternoon breeze danced with the threads on her head, eyes reflecting that of the sun which sat on the hands of the seemingly never-ending ocean. Her face that looked as if a painter spilled a bucket of orange dye on it.

His deep-colored irises stared at her with wonder.

And Capitano thought to himself, how could anyone… be as lovely as her?

Feeling his gaze fall upon her, the lady tilted her head in confusion, a small yet playful smile resting upon her lips. "What are you looking at, man?"

Raising his bare hand, the knight gently rested it on her cheek, leaning in to touch her forehead with his before momentarily closing his eyes only to open them and whisper...

"I'm looking at you, woman."

The lady wondered then how she could have endured denying the knight for so long when the light of his love was something she now no longer knew how to live without. She asks the heavens for answers, and sometimes even herself if the reason she was born long ago was so she could live in this plane of existence… and be loved by him.

The day the heavens bestowed upon the land a gift so majestic and wonderful that the earth has marveled upon it ever since its descent from the gentle hands of the clouds was beginning to dawn upon them once more.

At least... to the knight who loved her dearly, it was his interpretation of the special occasion. Her birthday. He was always so dramatic, that one.

His ocean-dyed eyes stared lovingly at the lady who stood not too far from where he was currently leaning against the threshold,

The knight observed the woman from a distance. His heart free from wickedness.

Ever righteous, they spoke of him. But with her, Capitano was certain he would do unspeakable things to those who dared bring her harm. Brave, still… he feared her denial—that a day will come when she realizes she did not want him anymore. Powerful, so why did he feel no power when he stood next to her?

Why was he anything but their depictions when she was the one standing in front of him? [Name] could have seen him as anything… yet she chose to see him as he was, as Capitano. No more, and certainly no bit less.

He loved her so, even more than his own life. And his affection for her flourished like fresh spring flowers each and every single passing day.

There was just absolutely nothing about her that he couldn't adore. The little things like how she would swivel and sway with the leaves when she danced with the melody of the breeze, exclaiming that the years of arduous dance practices had finally been put to good use, or when she would hum a tune when the silence was too heavy to bear.

To the knight, everything she did represented grace and beauty in a different light. She was simply just... heavenly.

When the light of the crescent moon penetrated through the curtain of clouds, the knight knew that the awaited day has been gifted to both him and to the woman he loved.

The gentle rhythm of waves crashing against the shoreline filled the silence left by the cold evening.

As quiet and light as a feather, he approached her, draping a shawl over her shoulders before sitting right next to her on the bench.

The woman was not the least bit startled by her lover's stealthy advance, far used to it more than she would have liked to admit. In the place of caution was peace; his presence helped calm whatever disaster was brewing up within her.

And ever so subtly, his warm fingers interlaced with her own. The little touches had flames burning at the tips of their fingers, crawling their way to the caves of their hearts, bursting forth to drape them in a blanket of fiery warmth.

"My dear, the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?" The woman's gaze turned towards her lover the moment his endearment left his lips—a far wanted term than the ever-so-formal my lady.

"Indeed, it is..." A gentle smile replaced the previous dazed expression that had been painted upon her face.

Nothing more was said within the next few passing moments. No words in all the letters of the worlds could describe the way their souls seemed to long for the other's presence.

"Thank you, my love." She spoke in a gentle whisper, leaning her head to rest on the expanse of his shoulder.

The midnight-eyed knight craned his head to face the lady who was still staring at the moon, admiring the way the lights above reflected the colors of her face.

"What for?" He questioned, unconsciously rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.

She gave his hand a subtle embrace of her own, smiling at him with such gentleness that he was afraid she'd break at the lightest of caresses. "For staying..."

For remaining by my side even if there was nothing for you but denial. For your persistence. For your affection. For everything and anything all at once. That you’ve loved me even if I was the least deserving of it. Because you didn’t surrender.

You had so many chances to give it all up—so many reasons to grow weary and leave, but you didn’t. You found reasons to stay.

Caught off guard, the knight could only stare at her. An unexplainable blend of emotions swirling within the pools of blue that tinted his irises.

I’m happy to be at the end of your adoration.

He chuckled at her sentimental declaration, indeed... everything she did was absolutely breathtaking.

"Come." He urged, tugging at their entangled limbs, prompting her to rise to her feet.

"Alright, alright..." she laughs, "so impatient."

And with the flick of his wrist, Capitano interlocked their hands once more. His bare hand found anchor on her waist, pulling her closer to him.

Resting his forehead against hers, he swayed her to a melody that was nothing but silence for the rest of the world and yet a string of sounds of the most wonderful tunes for the two of them.

Indeed, love does work in mysterious ways.

The commander unhooked his hands from hers, circling one around her back, while the other carded the threads settled upon her head.

"Happy birthday to you, my love." He whispers, his featherlight breath tickling the shell of her ear. "Make a wish."

Just as how he embraced her with utmost respect and adoration, she did the same for him: hugging him tighter as she muttered the words that made his heart almost leap out of his chest.

"Be mine."

Capitano tucked away the stubborn lock of hair behind her ear, gazing deeply into the depths of her irises, memorizing the lines etched on her pupils, the way her lashes would graze her cheeks in the stray moments where she blinked. I’m in love with you. He hung those reminders of her like stars, formed constellations in her glory so that he may be reminded that no matter where he went… a place exists—a time existed—where she and he lived under the same moon.

"Already yours."

But the angels, not half so happy in the stars, envied the love of the knight and the lady. And that was the reason as all men knew, had them move everything to have their love ceased…

Magnificent, that was what he was.

Rain clouds blotted the vast sky, casting shadows upon the face of the lady who stood by the loggia. Her feet freezing her to where she stood as her eyes settled on the dark gloom ahead. The once gentle gale of the season had turned sharp, as though they carried shards of broken glass along with their escape. She listened intently to the whispers of the people, carried by the trees who had lived long enough to tell the tale of a dynasty made strong by human hands.

Her vision, though still a bit hazy, had begun merging the two-layered images that had played out in front of her: the sun that was nearing the end of its time of the day—little twinkling dots that had scattered across the palette of colors that painted the sky, and him, the anchor amidst this hell-bound storm.

His words flew from one ear and out the other, all she saw was the crumbling castle, pillars that held every brick and structure made strong by humans be submerged into the depths of the waters below.

What a terrifying sight indeed, such treasures kept hidden from the cruelty of this world.

And ever so softly did she feel a gentle tug on her hand, a small affectionate gesture that had urged her to move forward in order to match the pace of the one in front of her. Slowly but surely, her sight had focused on a man whose back was turned against her, the gentle yet impactful approach of the frost wiping away the footprints he had imprinted as he had continued to lead her to his desired destination.

Up on that hill stood a tall gateway, towering pillars of nothingness standing on either side.

Embers descended from the sky like the first fall of snow, and the flames of the heavens shone brightly as though they were stars.

His feet carried him from the bloodied pavement and onto the grassy ground that had covered the small hill.

“Go.” He whispers, pushing her towards her escape.

It felt cruel to do this to her—to [Name]. To ask the only woman he loved… to let him go.

Their laughter resonated within the empty atmosphere of that scenery. Her smile, so bright it put even the setting sun to shame. But now, only the thought of reality remained, crushing them from its weight.

“No.” [Name] shook her head, latching onto his bloodied sleeve, preventing him from marching back to all that desolation. “Don’t go, please. I beg you… don’t—Capitano, please.” [Name] fell to her knees, the seams of her clothing dyed in the hue of life that stained his shoes.

“[Name]…” His hands blanketed hers, gently—desperately trying to pry her grip open.

“No. No, no… you—you swore to me. You promised me. You gave me your word.”

Her ears struggled to process what her Knight was saying. Everything sounded as if she was submerged in water and yet her eyes could see the knight tense and stagger as he fought to keep his own morals for her survival.

Capitano knelt before her, discarding the veil he put upon his head, just as he once did all those moons ago.

He knelt beside her and caged her face between his hands. Capitano took it all in, everything. From the way the threads laid upon her head shone under what little luminescence embraced them, her ears that pointed a little too sharply, the little dots that littered her skin, her eyes brimmed with silver, the rivers of water that raced down her rose-dyed cheeks, the tremble of her lips, ones that he had never got to taste—and he never will. He seized them all, plucked them one by one, and hung them like stars. He engraved them all in his darkened sky—swore to heaven and earth that he would look to them every night... because after this moment, he knew he would never see them again. “And I intend to keep it.”

Finally, as twilight settled upon the two lovers, the knight turned and faced the woman he loved so dearly—for the last time, the last time in a good long while.

"Wait for me, my love. Wait for me, and I'll come back to you."

Even with her silver-brimmed gaze, the magnificently terrifying sight of a giant wall frosting into creation had slowly seeped into the crevices of her being, serving as the cold that froze her heart.

Through the tears, she stared at his unmoving figure. This time, Capitano was facing the enemy.

“I hear what people say about him, too, you know. The ever-righteous Captain, the nigh-invincible Captain, the brave and fearless Captain.”

“All good traits, are they not?”

Il-Capitano.

“When people put him in that light, he is. Yet all the same, it paints him in a different color… like he’s so far away. Don’t you fear that someone possessing such unprecedented righteousness is a latent danger? How… how could someone like that ever truly live? Will he ever truly confide? What if I am the embodiment of all that he detests—everything he cannot accept? Could he still bring himself to love me just as he proclaims?”

The ever so righteous commander, the brave and fearless captain, the powerful captain.

“You have yet to know that, [Name]. It isn’t fair to put assumptions on him when you haven’t given him the chance to act on how he really feels. He loves you. For eight long years he’s proven it, practically reformed the heavens so his adoration for you could be caged by the finiteness of this world!”

But to her, he was simply just Capitano.

The commander she loved.

“I hope you like the cakes. The helpers in the kitchen always seem to make far too much of it, and because no one wants to share them with me, I am left to enjoy them all.”

“I’m glad to be the one who shares them with you, my lady.”

The kind and affectionate captain. My one love… Capitano.

“I love you.” She whispers to the wind.

It dawns on her then, that she never really said those to him. Capitano told it to her through a hundred thousand different actions yet she—she had never told him. Not even once.

“I love you…”

And now…

[Name] didn't fear if another war was to come, nor did she fear that he would turn his back on her and cast her away again—no.

What caused her heartbreak was the certainty that after this... nothing would follow.

She would be stuck in stagnancy; in an endless cycle of trying to figure out what she could've done better. How she could have changed his fate, free him from the holds of death. Wondering that if she did things differently then things wouldn't end up like this—that she wouldn't have to be forced to see him leave… when she wasn’t ready to let him go.

I just got you… don’t—don’t leave me so soon. Please…

Deep down, no matter how much she tried to deny, [Name] knew what would come once she opens her eyes.

“… thank you for the adventure.”

To my Captain—darling, dearest, dead.

   Many suns have risen. The lands are riddled with ruins of dynasties who once thought they would last for eternity. And the gods have been replaced… yet here, I remain. In this desolation, in the midst of destruction, cradled under a hundred thousand lights, I linger.

   The echo of your laughter haunts me—even if more than half a millennium has dawned. I have seen more than a myriad of faces, descendants of those who once believed they would parent no children… and every time I do, I am reminded of you.

   Of your ardent affection, and bold declarations. Your promises of eternity, and the dedication that came along with it—yet you were the first to fall, the first to stand against the ones who threatened our home.

   Your love will see me in forever. Just as you had sworn. You, however, will not.

   My Captain… my love, my darling… my dearest.

   When we crossed paths, my life began. As though the once monochromatic mundaneness of my every waking moment was dyed in thousands of shades of color by your dark, and brooding figure. I told you, didn’t I? That when I pictured my life beyond it all, it would not be with you. I spoke the words, ‘I would prefer to eat the remains of field tillers than be courted by the likes of you’, still, you did not relent. I once had thought that you were a madman, choosing me out of everyone else—when you could have had anyone, yet you declared your love was mine to hold. I told you that you were getting the short end of the stick with me… and you said the words, ‘I’d rather live as the most unfortunate man for all my days than to live a life where I cannot love you’. So dramatic, that you are. If you weren’t a commander, you could pass as an actor.

   Sometimes, love came as simple as staring at the moon—but sometimes, it was as arduous as forcing the heavens to align. Still, I loved doing both for you.

   My life began the moment you made yourself known to me. My Captain, my dearest… my one true love.

   I once had thought that the hardest thing in life was to find someone you couldn’t live without… but now it seems that it’s harder to live life without him—without you.

   My life began with you, so why is it that before long, yours had ended…?

   Your love was my haven, a paradise in this space riddled with chaos—comfort in a place destined to ruin.

   Oh, but how quickly did it all crumble. How hasty sunshine leaves when the rain clouds loom. And how the heavens cry when life is devoid of meaning… devoid of you.

   What would the gods ask me to do? Who will the abyss have me become? What more do I have to surrender to have you return to me?

   Tell me, and I’ll do it. I’d reform the universe if I must. I’ll make it so, if they would grant me another chance. Another life. Another universe. A next time—next life… to have even just a few more seconds with you. To have you tell me that you’ll be leaving—so I’ll be able to let you know… if I’m ready to let you go.

   But if fate is kind, if destiny permits, and you find the chance to come home to me—I’ll cherish our mortality, no matter how fleeting. Even if you return with a face blanketed in shadows, memories as fragmented as the skies above, a body crumbling from the cruelty of time... I would still know you. Your soul sings of love in gentle lullabies, whispers as warm as sun-kissed fire, tethered with hopes for another morrow. I would know you. Even if I am caged by darkness, drowned in silence, slipping from the threads of life… I will know you.

   And I will love you. I will love you all the same.

   My Captain. My darling… my love.

   In this space, in this life, how very fortunate was I to have loved and have been loved by you.

---

Domed by an endless blue sky, children of all ages slumbered for the welkin to shine upon. Stars drifted amidst the ether, sending all that lay within its path with promises of a home that differed in shape and size. Melodies of the late summer breeze echoed throughout the home of the hearth, swaying the curtains to the rhythm that it carried along.

[E/c] irises reflected all the hues the heavens had to offer, light that had traversed the bowels and lengths of the cosmos reached the ends of its journey when they drowned in the depths of her forlorn gaze.

“Thank you for accompanying the children, Lady [Name].”

Walking between the borders of dreams and reality, the Khaenri'ahn woman’s dazed figure snapped back to the present: eyes darting back and forth, left and right, desperately trying to search for the voice that rattled her solitude.

She has seen that face countless times, Arlecchino. The Knave. Wolf in sheep’s clothing, they call her. But to [Name], Arlecchino has always been kind. A little on the intimidating side yet remained kind either way.

Arlecchino was the one who took her from the Doctor’s hold and gave her a place to call home. She gave a stranger food and clothing, accepted her and let her be near the children.

Perhaps it’s that kindness that had her vision altering to picture someone else. The one who shares the same blood as that of a soul she knew so long ago.

It felt surreal—as though she was still stuck in that nightmare.

“[Name]…” A small voice called her from the side, before long, cold fingers clutched the hem of her sleeves.

The young woman turned her gaze to her friend, Peruveere. Her cross-marked eyes glistened with unshed tears, hands trembling from the weight of fear blossoming in her heart.

[Name] felt her heart drop at the vision before her. Blood stained her friend’s clothing, falling so freely down the concrete flooring. Part of her face had begun to be caged in frost, blinding her completely—yet she remained hesitant to freeze the one standing before her.

Fragments of her sanity had been lost… still, her heart remembered that the one in front of her was someone she would always love—even as the darkness threatened to swallow her whole.

Before [Name] could support the bleeding lady, a deafening sound shattered the earth, shaking the buildings, and marring the ground in deep valleys.

Peruveere looks to [Name]—an action she was surely going to miss, to see her beloved friend, her only friend, before the world ends—because she knew, seeing her won’t happen again for a long time.

What a great adventure it was… to have been friends with you. To be near close as sisters. Even when I was cast away by the rest, you remained. Even when you had nothing to gain from me, you remained.

“Run.” Peruveere gave her hand one last squeeze before she pushed her out of the balcony.

If fate allows, and destiny is kind… would you meet me in another life? Can I be born again… and take walks with you around the plaza? Throw flowers at strangers in another life? Talk behind other people’s backs in another life? Can we be friends again… in another life?

Can I have another chance… in another time… in another universe….

In another universe, in another time, another chance…

Lightning struck the place where [Name] once stood, then a blood-curling scream followed—Peruveere.

In the place of her ivory hair was a faceless entity, shrouded in obsidian and the colors of the sky. The hands that had once held hers so kindly had been covered by blades, claws in the place of fingers, a danger in the place of comfort.

“[NAME]!”

Thunder echoed in the skies, lightning broke apart the heavens, carving a way for the creatures of the abyss to swarm her home.

The woman had no strength to rise from where she had fallen, her eyes staring in shock at the way a wall of ice grew from the ground up—shielding her from the creature that overtook her friend.

Her only friend Peruveere…

Before long, the lady found herself looking into the void of someone’s face. Capitano.

Ringing in the depths of her eardrums was a rhythmic echo of stone crashing against the ground.

“My love.” She breathes, staring at him with hazed eyes as she looks to him and back over at the wall of frost. “Peruveere—something… I—I don’t—what is going on—she’s still out there, oh god—Peruveere.”

“[Name]—” Capitano caged her trembling hands in his, trying his best to rid of the blood that drenched the pads of her fingers.

“I—I’m never going to see her again.” She cries, gripping the hands that held her so tenderly. “She was my best friend, and I didn’t—I didn’t even hug her. I never even got to tell her that she was right. I’ll never get to tell her anything ever again—”

“—[e]? —[Name]? Lady [Name]?” The calls gradually faded into a dull echo, one tune called to her in a familiar way, warm, and kind… and the other was cold, and distant—the one that bled into reality.

[Name]’s search ended when she met a familiar cross-pupiled stare. A small, sorrowful smile carved its way onto her face.

“Ah, Peruveere… how nice of you to come back to life. Have you come to gloat on me and tell me of your fated premonitions.”

The Knave, far from the one called Peruveere, patiently corrected the immortal woman. “I apologize my lady, but I am not the person you speak of.”

Ah, I knew that.

“Oh. Are you certain? You look just like her, except your tongue is on a leash.” [Name] laughs softly, “Perhaps it’s better. I wouldn’t know if that fool could have stomached living for so long…”

More than anyone I know…

“Why is that?”

[Name] looks to Arlecchino with a playful smile, “Ah, are you sure you aren’t her? She used to ask me that countless of times. Always with the whys.” She laughs, caressing the side of her abyss-tainted face.

“I’ll tell you just this once, so listen closely… because she would have gone mad with grief—existing when all that she loves has gone.” She whispers softly, fighting back the tremble in her voice. No, she couldn’t burden this descendant with the memories of a friend lost in time.

But she took one look at her, the one they call Peruere, yet all she could see were the fragments of the one she called Peruveere.

If this was her way of telling [Name] the ‘I told you so’, she would take it.

Peruveere could gloat and gush and ramble on and on about the Knights of the Khaenri'ah and [Name] would be sure to listen.

“Though it would be nice to have walks with her again. And talk behind other people’s backs… throw flowers at pedestrians.”

They could take the longest way home, pick the food that would take hours to finish, watch the longest play at the theatre—anything, if it meant I’d get to be with you longer.

Arlecchino drew closer to where the Khaenri'ahn woman sat, shutting the windows close. “Maybe another time, my lady.” She offers kindly.

[Name] looks to the Harbinger with a small flickering hope. “Yes… another time, I’m afraid there exists no such thing as that for her.”

Her words had the white-haired woman stop in her wake, ‘I see’. “Then, perhaps, in another life.”

[Name] laughs bitterly, a droplet of stars falling from the eroding side of her face, “Another life… huh?”

"Can't you see?” She whispers, “That doesn’t exist. Not for me, or Peruveere. Not even for him who so valiantly declared his promises. There is no next time! There's no next life! There is no other universe. It's a nice sentiment, believe me, it is, but this is it. This is all we get. But god… what I wouldn't give to have a next time. A next life. To be given just another chance."

Another chance, and I’ll be true. Another life, and I’ll do you better. Another time, and I won’t waste a single second. Another universe… and I’ll love you right—far more than I could have here. Perhaps there, you can keep your vows, fulfill the promise you gave me.

I am here, my love… I’m still waiting.

I have faced many losing battles, the loss of my father, my dream, my heart shattered beyond repair. But in all of that, I had you. I had you and it was enough—enough for me to gather all my broken pieces and hope for another day.

Everything would be alright because I had you.

Everything would fall into place because you were there. And life would take on different forms, different meanings, different paths because I had you.

“I’m still here but where has he gone?” She asks.

But how would I find my way now?

Every ray of hope disappears before my eyes.

I'm not sure I even know what happiness means anymore.

My existence is no longer necessary in this world. The gift of life—the curse of immortality ever so potent, ever so meaningless when all else is gone.

“Tell me where to look—where to go, the promises I have to say, the gods I have to trick, what I must surrender. Only tell me the way… and I’ll do it. No matter the journey, no matter the hardship, no matter the cost.”’

My love, my dearest... my Captain, how I miss you so.

Arlecchino looks to the woman, unsure of what to say.

She has faced plenty of formidable enemies, even formidable allies… but not one as unconquerable as the grief that came with the curse of immortality. She knew only two others who hail from the same land the Lady [Name] had come from, but even they spoke none of the anguish that came with the price they paid.

How could she have stomached living for so long… when there was nothing left to live for?

“I’m still waiting… so he has to return. He has to come home. Come back to me. I’m still here…”

Maybe that was it.

She held onto this person’s promise of return. How cruel, to have been given hope by a dying man. To live in a world where another has gone is truly one of the greatest sorrows a soul can face.

“My colleague is from Khaenri'ah, my lady. They call him Pierro, perhaps he can be of service to you.”

In the wake of stars, the shadows of galaxies, and in forever... there, we remain.

Domed by the ether of the land of fire, a fragment of a soul exists. Clothed in the colors of the night with a face shielded by the void of his helmet that he wore so devotedly, unfailingly.  

Stillness blanketed his surroundings, only the songs of the seelies dancing in his midst and the faint droplets of water hitting stone echoed in the closed space.

It felt so long ago... that the embrace of the land was this mellow. The sensation was akin to receiving a hug from someone in the bleakness of winter: loving, comforting... warm.

It was just how he remembered it would feel like.

"You long for something." The Lord of the Night speaks, her voice sounding as though it came from everywhere and nowhere all at once. "Your heart screams at you to drop everything and look yet your mind shackles you to remain."

Capitano let the words settle—a statement, so it would seem—a question was its true form. No matter how the ancient being phrases her intentions, Capitano knew just as much that Yohualtecuhtin already holds the answers.

"Why do you hesitate, Outlander? Is she not all that you have ever wanted? Everything you have fought and lost to protect? The home you'll return to once the dust settles?"

The Harbinger let the ancient being’s words sink into the horizons of his shattered soul—a piece of what was once whole.

"She was."

Silence dyed the dust motes fluttering in the air. The Captain's answer seemingly weighing them down to stop their eternal waltz. Even the lullabies of the seelies floating the perimeter had dwindled to a whisper.

“Those blessed in sound will not know the turmoil of silence. A man raised in peace remains ignorant to the loss of war. And if the reason for my travels is my destination—I would have never left her side.” Should Capitano’s visage be free from the shadows of darkness, the reflection of an ocean of regret would be far too painful even for an entity as wise as the Night to witness.

“I returned to her, many times… but there was no one to return to.”

For years on end, that was something he struggled to accept. She doesn’t exist anymore. Not in all that ruin, not in the center of all this life.

But Capitano, in his grief, thought that anything could be brought to life.

He was free to dream, even the one he serves did not deprive him of that, but every fragment of hope he managed to stack upon one another was continuously knocked down by every passing sun that sought after him.

Capitano thought anything would be possible.

So, despite not believing in any deities, he prayed to every star, to every god that he knew that his beloved was alive. That [Name] was somewhere in this world, just waiting for him to return. Every meteor that grazed the sky and set alight the night in streaks of fire, he’d catch them all. Every aurora. All the full moons. Even for the slimmest of chances that he’d be heard—that his prayer would be answered.

He did not wish for a thousand things, not even a hundred, just one.

One wish for the heavens: to see her again.

Capitano did not need them to bring her back seven times, just once. Once and it would be enough. He would ask this of them, only this, and never again will he want anything more.

Only grant me this, and I will never ask anything of you ever again.  

Ignorantly he believed that if he wished for it eagerly and hopefully enough, the universe would move the stars to make it so.

But for many centuries, they ignored his prayer.

"Do you wish to know the horrible truth? When I close my eyes, her memory does not resurface. I cannot remember her laugh, or even tell apart her voice. All that remains is the waking thought that she was the only woman I ever loved—the only thing I ever wanted. And the Abyss took her away from me. The gods took her away from me! And all the time in the universe—all the power this world has to offer—couldn't fill the void she left behind."

Capitano's power fluctuates, threatening to burst from the nothingness festering inside him. He would have permitted it. Let the anger and sadness wreak havoc on the lands just as they did in their homeland. He would have done so—once.

All those moons ago when her image haunts his dreams, when her laughter echoes through the valleys, and her figure lingers in every turn. He would have let it all burn, bury everything in eternal frost so that they may see what it's like to exist when there was nothing left to live for.

Feel for themselves what life means when everything else is gone.

"So why do you linger?" The Lord of the Night asks patiently, calming… soothing, as though she knew the heaviness of the burden the Harbinger had been carrying for the past five centuries.

Why do I? Why am I the one permitted to live? Why are you the one trapped under the ruins of our home? Why?

"Because I am ashamed.” He admits.

“All humans fear death, Outlander. Even the bravest of warriors are afraid to fall.”

“No.” Capitano denies, clenching his fist to control his breathing, “To be wounded in battle is nothing to be feared—dying to defend your kingdom is an honor. But when I looked at her—when I looked at her as she watched me walk away when I swore to her that I was never going to do it again, all I felt was indignity.”

“When I fled and went forth with my escape, I saw her there. Waiting. Waiting just as I had told her to. I knew then, I would never see her again.”

Back then, Capitano should have frozen the entirety of the ruins of his home, blasted the debris inching closer to where she remained, subjugated the creatures of the abyss that threatened to hurt her—anything, anything to keep her alive.

But he didn’t.

“I am the only one left to remember her. The only one to speak her name. The sole monument that once upon a time, she, too, had existed. And when I think of her for the last time—when the echoes of her memory fade into eternity, only then will I know that I am worthy enough to meet her again."

The Commander of Khaenri'ah would have never spoken words plunged in the depths of cowardice. In the wake of the falling stars five hundred years ago, he would have done anything.

If she was taken to another world, Capitano would cut through the skies to find her. If she ceased to breathe in this space in time, he would transcend realities—search the bowels of the cosmos to see where she'd gone. If she were to ask to see him, even for the most fleeting of seconds, he would drop everything and come running.

He would have done anything.

And that was the part that riddled his heart in fear.

Because what if it wasn't enough?

Capitano was one of the most powerful people in the land. His name drove fear into the hearts of those who heard it, had them anticipating their deaths, finding their nights spent in restlessness at the thought that he’d take away their lives in the blink of an eye.

Crossing paths with the Captain was something you would not even wish on your enemies.

But this Captain—the one drowning in the oceans of his grief, chained down by his loneliness, awaiting the moments of his last breath... could care less for names and titles.

He reckons she would have reprimanded him for that. She'd even go as far as to demand him to take the matters of sovereignty and lordship a lot more seriously.

And he'd laugh at her, of course—a melody that could render even the most talkative of noble ladies to deafening silence. Always a stickler for the rules, that one.

At the end of the day, when the twilight settles, and the last rays of the sun slip under the blankets of the horizon, his mind would drift to the impossible and pathetic thought—one which he never fails to think about for every moon that rises, and all the suns that have gone—has she been reborn yet?

Having been serving under the majesty of the Tsarista, there was no way he would know for certain. Or at least, that's what he's been telling himself for the last few hundred years.

Capitano has seen the wonders of this world more times than he could count. He's met with a myriad of leaders and lords. Witnessed as the cultures of these mortal beings be brought to ruin and reform once more.

He closed his eyes for every reminder of her—thinking that it was better to live in ignorance of her presence than to have been led on only to be betrayed by his own heart, his own hope turned against him.

Capitano encased her memory in frost, put her in the deepest part of his mind where she could not haunt him. He forced himself to burn the desires of his soul—to see her, to hear her... to tell her that he loves her and that he would give anything and everything to change her fate. He numbed his heart to it all, compelled himself not to think about her.

For every venture beyond the walls of ice, past the snowy hills, and the frosty palace, Capitano felt her get further and further away.

And soon enough, her memory had altogether faded from his mind.

He'll wake in the dead of the night trying to piece together her image, guess the color of her eyes, remember what shade her hair was, what her smile looked like, the sound of his name when it was her who had said it.

He'd try desperately to replicate the scent that followed her like daylight, the clothing she adored, the sounds of her footfalls.

But nothing ever felt right.

He'd tell himself over and over again that he did not deserve to remember her—to miss her when he was the one who threw it all away. I miss you all the same. He'd whisper repeatedly that he was not allowed to hurt, that his heart had no right to break for all that he lost when he had the choice to keep her memory alive, but he didn’t. It hurts all the same.

Capitano would chant it like a mantra. A prayer for his punishment. But even as he tells himself that so long a time has passed—that he had no obligation to continue loving her, a ghost from a kingdom in ruins, a phantom in a land colored in life. I still love you... I love you all the same.

In the frozen wasteland of every passing second, the echoes of her joy would come rushing back to him. The warmth of her loving hold, and her fleeting touches saturated in adoration.

No matter what he did, where he went, who he met... Capitano always thought about her. Are you happy? Are you eating well? Do you get enough sleep? Have you fallen for another? Does he treat you right? Do you miss me? Are you looking for me? Do you—will you still love me?

Whenever he departed, Capitano went with the hopes that by some stroke of fate, he'd run into her. When he would turn the corner, she'd bump into him. Or perhaps walk past each other on the street. Go to the same tailor in town.

Or that I'd see you... even if it's from afar.

But it wasn't enough to just hope.

Yet that was exactly what he'd been doing for the last thousand suns that had passed him by.

He wonders, if he had only risen to protest—to deny the fate the heavens had set for her… would she still be here? Would he not feel this twisting sense of guilt knotting his stomach? Feel as the threads of his heart come undone at his powerlessness?

Capitano knew he should have done more. He could have tried, as soon as he was able—and he always was—as early as he attained power... he should have tried, to look for her, to get a glimpse of her shadow, just to put his heart at ease.

But he didn't do that.

Perhaps it's the gnawing fear of finding her soul nowhere in this world—that he'll finally see that he's left alone in this plane of existence, where she can only live in the memories he forced himself to shatter, fragments of it carried away by the zephyrs of grief.

“You speak of my longing, Yohualtecuhtin…” He spoke into the silence, his footsteps resonating in the hall of stones, “Surely, you would wish for the same. Wish to be closer to demise if it means you’d meet the one you love. To rid of it all so you’d reach the ends faster.”

Before he left, Capitano looked past his armor-clad shoulders to that big monument that housed the ancient spirit. He could almost feel the burning stare she was carving into his being.

“She alone has made me love the path to death.”

And only there, in the cradles of the infinite nothingness… will I be worthy enough to see you.

“Perhaps you should seek her for a final time. Not in the past where ruins lay, but within the warmth of a home, surrounded by the promises you spoke to her… maybe then, you and your beloved will find peace.”

Funny story, I almost lost this fic💀.

My laptop crashed coincidentally when I uhh ‘killed’ off Capitano from the reader’s perspective. Turns out my 1st drive also died along with it. The repairman told me he needed the 2nd drive (where this fanfic was stored) to get my laptop working again but I couldn’t do that (cuz it had this fanfic) because all my files is stored there. The panic I had was otherworldly—but I managed to create a solution.  

I came up with this idea as a form of revenge because of a post I saw on a page on Facebook saying Maviuka was Capitano’s TOTGA (I remember you Jhan, this is all your fault>:0). I didn’t read too much into it (cuz the update was like a day ago back then???) because at that time I hadn’t done the archon quest (and it was midterm week). I was so PISSED that I planned this fanfic in my dorm room instead of reviewing—so now uhmm… I think I might have gotten a little carried away ehe (BECAUSE EVEN I’M CRYING FROM THIS FIC) on another note, you’d think after I wrote a Khanrean kanreeyan Khanreyan STUPID FCKER prince Kaeya fanfic, I’d know how to spell kahnreeya khanrea— I don’t know how to spell it. I think I might have a thing for khaenriyan help ya know what, I take it back.

I hope you enjoyed it 💖

[mariacallous]

CAIRO—Although Egypt has refused to accept refugees from the Gaza Strip, more than 100,000 Palestinians have crossed the border into Egypt since the start of Israel’s offensive in Gaza following Hamas’s attack on Oct. 7, 2023.

Khaled Shabir, a 29-year-old man, is one of the Palestinians who managed to flee. He entered Egypt in March, four months after the Israeli army bombed his house in the southern Gazan city of Khan Yunis. The attack killed his parents, but he survived with crushed bones in his foot, thigh, and hand, which landed him in a hospital and then a field medical facility.

Some Palestinians are able to get a free medical transfer to Egypt for life-threatening conditions. But Shabir had to go the route of most who have fled: paying Hala Consulting and Tourism, the only company that secures passage from Gaza into Egypt. Hala, whose owner reportedly has close ties with the Egyptian authorities, charges $2,500 to $5,000 per person crossing over—much more than most Palestinians can afford.

Shabir did not have the money. But with a crowdfunding campaign, he was able to raise $5,000 to cross into Egypt. “Doctors at the hospital were sympathetic to my condition and waived their financial fees for my surgeries,” he wrote in a text message from his hospital bed in Cairo on June 4.

Like most Palestinians who have recently arrived in Egypt, Shabir has found himself in a strange position: Because he is not technically a refugee, he isn’t eligible for most international aid for refugees, unlike his counterparts back in Gaza. Eight Palestinians in Egypt interviewed for this story said they hadn’t received any humanitarian relief from international organizations. This has left them dependent on the goodwill of others—and increasingly at risk of being unable to get by.

Palestinians who have fled are reaching Egypt at a time when the country is experiencing its worst economic crisis in decades. In recent years, Egypt’s inflation rates have reached all-time highs, rent and food prices have soared, and millions of people have fallen into poverty.

It is especially difficult for Palestinians to navigate Egypt’s crisis. The majority of recent arrivals do not have official residency documents, so they cannot enroll their children in public school, apply for jobs, or receive health care and other benefits, according to an official from the Palestinian Embassy in Cairo who spoke with Foreign Policy on the condition of anonymity.

The official said on June 30 that just three international organizations have provided assistance to Palestinians who have fled to Egypt, and it has only reached a small portion of them. This aid includes $200 from the Islamic World Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization for 500 students, as well as medical and psychological care from Save the Children and UNICEF for a few injured infants.

Even for those with more resources, life has grown tough as their savings have run low. Nagham, a 23-year-old college student majoring in commerce, left Gaza at the end of January to stay with relatives in Cairo after the Israeli military destroyed her home and her husband’s barber shop. Because she had residency papers and was already enrolled at Cairo University, Nagham—who preferred to use only her first name—did not have to pay for entry. (Before the war, she studied online and only went to Cairo for exams.) But after arriving in Cairo, Nagham had to sell her wedding ring and other jewelry to raise the funds needed to pay transit fees to bring her husband to safety.

Now, she said, “we’re in a really bad financial situation.” As of April, she was being treated for a cervical infection she contracted from contaminated water in the first few months of the war. In May, Nagham sought financial aid from the Palestinian Embassy in Cairo, but it did not provide any help. The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRWA), meanwhile, included her name in a registry tallying the number of Palestinians in Egypt, but she is not sure whether this implies any forthcoming aid.

“We’re starting over from scratch,” Nagham said. “I feel like we are in a nightmare.”

Kamel Mohamed, a 23-year-old who left Gaza in April, said that the majority of university students he knows from Gaza are running out of money, especially after paying the transit fees. He is currently applying for scholarships to study at a university in Egypt or other Arab countries. But in the meantime, international organizations have not provided any support, leaving him dependent on monthly aid from two local charities in Egypt.

“We are from a region devastated by war, and the people there have lost everything,” Mohamed said. “International organizations need to play a part and provide assistance.”

Jeff Crisp, a visiting research fellow at the University of Oxford’s Refugee Studies Centre, echoed this sentiment. “It should be the responsibility of the UN as a whole (UNHCR, WFP, UNICEF, IOM, etc.) to step in and support the Palestinians,” he wrote via email.

One major problem is that those who have fled Gaza are not considered refugees. This means that the two U.N. refugee agencies—the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), which protects non-Palestinian refugees, and UNRWA, which is solely responsible for Palestinian refugees—can’t support them.

UNRWA spokesperson Tamara Alrifai wrote in an email to Foreign Policy, “UNRWA does not have programs in Egypt, in the way it runs schools, health centers and social support in the areas where it has a mandate to operate.” She added that UNRWA, unlike UNHCR, “does not have a mandate to resettle refugees into new countries.”

The Egyptian government has refused to recognize Palestinians as refugees since 1978, instead referring to them as “our guests” or “our siblings.” It has long opposed both the establishment of a UNRWA operational office in Cairo and the displacement of Gaza’s population into its territory, citing potential threats to regional security and fears that Israel would not allow displaced Palestinians to return to the coastal enclave.

But many experts, including the U.N.’s special rapporteur on torture, argue that Egypt has legal obligations to accept refugees. Crisp stated in his email, “Egypt is a signatory to the UN Refugee Convention and should do what it can to support any that arrive from Gaza.” He added that Palestinians who fled war should be treated as displaced people.

For now, without residency papers, most of the Palestinians who recently arrived from Gaza are at risk of deportation. The Palestinian Embassy in Cairo is urging Egyptian authorities to provide papers as soon as possible so that children who have left Gaza can attend school in the fall, according to the embassy official.

The Egyptian government has, however, supported some Palestinians who have been injured in the war. Health Minister Khaled Abdel Ghaffar said in May that around 5,500 injured people had been evacuated from Gaza for medical care in 160 hospitals across Egypt since the start of the conflict. These individuals are treated at the Egyptian government’s expense.

The process, however, is not easy. “It was a torture journey,” said Um Qusai, who was able to leave Gaza so that her six-year-old daughter, Noor, could get eye surgery. One of Noor’s eyes had fallen out after debris from an Israeli bomb fell onto her bedroom in October.

After six months in the European Hospital in Gaza, Um Qusai finally secured a medical transfer for Noor, making their entry to Egypt free. But because they did not have passports, she had to wait with Noor and her two other children for 12 hours at the Rafah border crossing, while Noor was in agonizing pain, before border authorities let them in.

Once they arrive in Egypt, many Palestinians who received free medical transfers are not allowed to leave the hospital. A number of those patients, along with family members accompanying them, told Foreign Policy that they felt trapped inside hospitals and would only be permitted to leave if they returned to Gaza.

Egyptian volunteers have arranged trips to bring Palestinian patients food, medication, and clothing. However, some volunteers, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said they had to undergo lengthy bureaucratic procedures to obtain authorization from Egyptian officials to visit the patients due to strict hospital security measures.

For now, many Palestinians in Egypt must rely on the support of local charities and grassroots initiatives to get by.

In November, Sherif Mohyeldeen, an Egyptian researcher and nonresident fellow at the Carnegie Middle East Center, launched For the People, a grassroots group with about 60 members, to support injured Palestinians and their families in Cairo and Alexandria, Egypt. So far, he said, the initiative has collected donations to support more than 1,200 Palestinians with food and cash assistance for rent.

“People have come here with only their clothes,” Mohyeldeen said. “There is a huge amount of psychological and physical suffering.” The Palestinian Centre for Policy and Survey Research has reported that more than 60 percent of people in Gaza have lost family members since Israel’s war—which has killed more than 40,000 people in the territory, according to the Gaza Health Ministry—began in October.

Sherif added that his group has yet to find solutions for families who need prosthetic limbs or chemotherapy, both of which are extremely expensive, as well as Palestinian students whose annual university tuition in Egypt exceeds $4,000.

Abdullah Abu al-Aoun, a 26-year-old man from a wealthy family in Gaza, is also trying to help others who have fled. His family owned many buildings and two restaurants in Gaza’s Remal district, all of which were bombed by the Israeli army. After fleeing Gaza with 22 members of his family in February, he opened a Shawarma restaurant in Cairo. His mother’s Egyptian passport and the family’s savings of more than $100,000 helped him establish the business.

Aoun has hired three young men from Gaza in his new restaurant and has been helping other Palestinian families in Cairo with cash assistance. “Although there is still war in Gaza, some aid is getting in,” he said on May 25 while sitting in the restaurant, where four men from Gaza were dining. “Here, the families who left for Egypt are not getting any support.”

But individuals and small charities can only make so much of a difference compared with international organizations—and many Palestinians, including Aoun’s family, know that they may have to stay in Egypt for years to come due to the scale of destruction in Gaza. According to the Palestinian Embassy official, many more Palestinians are expected to arrive in the coming months. With no humanitarian relief on the horizon and Cairo so far refusing to provide residency permits, they sink deeper into uncertainty with each passing day.

“What really scares me is the unknown future,” Naghan said. “When will the crossing open again? If we return, will we live in a tent or on the rubble of our house?”

[alicerosejensen]

I love your page so much omg. I‘m literally obsessed with your work😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Also I have this imagination in my mind going on about how Leon would try to help his girlfriend from recovering from her mental health issues since she’s always helping him. I was recently thinking about how he would react finding her not moving on the bathroom floor and trying to bring her back! I rewatched American horror stories and the scene with tate and violet in the first season episode 6 (ig?) is always in my head. I‘m still recovering from my past and my unhealthy habits and tbh recovery never felt better.

If this is too much for you or triggering please ignore this.🫶🏼❤️

I had a terrible period in my life when I was a few steps away from doing something like this in my life and unfortunately this shit often comes out. I'm not sure that such texts help me work through my psychological traumas, which were, in fact, inflicted on me and continue to be inflicted by close people who do not consider me a person, but at least such works help me to vent my pain, which I cannot permanently bury in myself.

I have been postponing this request for a long time because I was probably waiting for the right moment to write this text.

There are mentions of suicide, psychological trauma, severe self-doubt and anxiety, so if this is not acceptable to you, then please just block it.

Perhaps there is a similarity with my previous texts, but I am writing this with strong emotions now that I am trying to cope with it again.

the text is chaotic, I repeat, written while I was under the influence of strong heavy emotions. Maybe I'll delete it later, when my brain gets back to normal a little bit.

If a songbird doesn't sing well, they wring its neck.

Maybe it was the costs of Leon's profession and the result of his constant missions, after which something human is gradually dying in him despite the constant struggle to save everyone. Raccoon City was supposed to teach, if not to survive, then make him begin to understand that some are doomed to die.

Leon Kennedy was taught not to offend, but to protect the weak, especially weak women. But it is difficult to calm the flow of disordered thoughts and put aside the fear that has seized him in order to clamp bloody wrists and apply something to them to stop the blood. Leon knew many strong women: Ada was perhaps the first among them, he did not know either her past or her real name, only the present that pushed their foreheads against each other; Claire, a fighting friend of misfortune that he met in that ill-fated city; Ashley, who turned from a baby eagle into a proud eagle; Angela Miller and others…

Your strength dissolves in the water, coloring it scarlet while your heart stubbornly still beats, let the rhythm noticeably shorten.

In truth, over the past few months it became clear that this was the only way out. When even your loved ones considered you an expired product and did not hesitate to remember this and remind you every time. In the end, their words turned into an obsessive worm that settled in your head, slowly day after day, month after month, devouring you and the circumstances seemed to be not in your favor. Instead of support, you somehow faced reproach, as if the universe was screaming that you were an wrong person, nature's mistake who had no right to live.

Escape attempts were doomed to failure. At first you tried to suppress it in yourself, helping Leon, because, in your opinion, he was the only one who had the right to complain about life, although he did not do this in front of you, because everyone said that you had no problems: you have everything limbs, there are no fatal diseases, all loved ones are healthy and there is a roof over your head, as if this is enough to not fall for nonsense and not walk around forever with a sad face.

This was the last time you shared your experiences. You didn’t even bother telling Leon, but everything inside was torn from constant pain. The feeling was as if you were being beaten by two extremes that led you to the edge of an abyss where you ultimately voluntarily jumped.

no, you really loved him, it was just other people’s words and your own speculation that convinced you, despite your strong relationship with him, that Leon would find someone better, someone more confident in himself, someone who would not be you because you had already missed the chance for a good life because it moved too slowly. Ultimately, a couple of sips of alcohol with sleeping pills and a sharp blade in his hands simply promised to correct the mistake in the form of you with your own hands.

You didn't have the courage to do it any other way.

But you really didn’t think that if you could try to open up to your loved one, you would meet support and not condemnation. Perhaps in a mad world he would be the only one who would heal your wounds as you healed him in your time. Leon clenched his teeth, feeling tears flowing down cheeks, seeing these crimson stains, when he pulled your body out of the bath, holding you close to him, repeating “I’m holding you. It's allright"

He so carefully laid you on his lap, managing to pull out a first aid kit and then bandages to tightly, albeit carelessly, wrap them around your wrist in order to somehow stop the bleeding. At least you were still breathing, thereby giving him hope that everything could still be fixed. the darkness and emptiness came to life, calling in a whisper to dissolve into eternal silence where there is no pain or condemnation. Your body will be in a grave under a gray stone, while the remains of your soul will float like a small grain of sand in infinity.

For Leon, everything happens in a fog; he tried more than once to save people, but he had no right to lose in this battle, even if you yourself surrendered to death. Shaking his head, brushing away the tears, he wrapped your body in a large terry towel, kissed your temple and picked you up, trying to somehow warm you, pressing you closer to him. the ability to provide first aid in the field and pull suicides out of the other world is not the same thing. Leon would have thanked God if he had believed in him, convinced that blood loss was the least of the evils that you had caused yourself, until he saw the remains of some substance at the bottom of the glass that stood on the table along with an almost full bottle of alcohol.

You really didn't give him a chance.

The ambulance took several minutes, which seemed like an eternity. In fact, Leon wasn't sure if it was worth trying to make you vomit when you'd already lost so much blood that it was already seeping through the bandages. Surely you would need a transfusion and Leon is ready to give you all his blood if only you would wake up. Holding his breath, he carefully looked at your chest, watching whether you were breathing and fortunately, your heart was still beating, slowly, but it was still fighting for life.

He stroked you on the head, kissed you, promised that he would take you somewhere else, quiet, where no one would dare to offend you, even if it was your family. You could have just asked him for help, just cuddled up to him and he would have protected you from other people’s attacks, but you preferred to remain silent. Kennedy was tired of waiting for the medical staff to let him in, although relatives should be allowed to see the patient first, but the position of a government agent sometimes had its advantages, and they concerned not only the high salary. When he was let in to you, it seemed to him that you had become half your size while you were lying on the bed, curled up under the blanket. It didn’t work out to pull off a beautiful suicide, which meant that soon angry relatives would come here with new sweat of bile especially for you. They won’t care about your feelings, but Leon sat down next to you, trying not to intrude too much into the space in which you imprisoned yourself, as if this blanket cocoon could be a separate world where you could hide. He spoke to you carefully, hating himself for not being able to understand in time what was wrong with your behavior; perhaps if he had been more attentive to you, the incident could have been avoided. You would see a psychotherapist, take a course of medication, and your environment would definitely be taken care of.

You cry, not letting him come to you, hating how you weren't just left to die and how much you hate this world. Hysteria after hysteria, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, in the hospital you repeatedly tried to commit suicide, but the attentive staff managed to prevent this before you inflicted fatal injuries on yourself, and if after some time Leon still managed to carefully break through your armor, then your loved ones This did not concern relatives in principle. You only allowed one person to visit you while you were undergoing psychological treatment and you behaved calmer and calmer, listening to the velvety words that soon all this would be behind you.

“We’ll go home soon,” Leon smiled, gently holding your hand and kissing your forehead, just glad that you’re alive, that you’re breathing and that your psycho-emotional state is slowly but improving. “You know, I have a surprise for you, I think you’ll like it when we get home.”

Soon what happened will become another nightmare in his life, a blessing with a good ending, but for the sake of this happy ending, Kennedy is ready to descend into hell at least every day.

You nod at him and smile a little, fearing that the gift is some kind of party on the occasion of your discharge. In fact, the last thing you want is to see someone’s faces, especially those who diligently hammered into your head how insignificant you are. Why do you even hope that the doctor will postpone your discharge, but the plans for your further treatment were completely different.

On the other hand, after taking antidepressants and psychological help in a special medical institution, how many men are ready to stay with their girlfriends who have been there for several months? For Leon, it seems this was not a significant problem, or he simply carefully did not show it. However, there were no parties, no calls, you simply returned now to his home where there were new interior items. it became somehow more comfortable... but something else surprised you.

Puppy. A small puppy of a couple of months old ran towards you and Leon to meet both of them, but stopped and began sniffing your shoes, while something thawed in your heart.

“Animals seem to help us well, They feel when we feel bad, it seems to me a good idea to get us a little companion,” Leon said quietly, stroking your back while you were busy with the puppy, rejoicing at the little living soul who will love you with the same pure and devoted love.

Ultimately it should have a happy ending too. Leon is ready to go to great lengths so that his beloved songbird starts smiling and singing happy songs again, even if it is necessary to remove other birds from her family who sleep and see how to pluck all her wings again.

You and he also have a chance for a happy ending.

[bonjaevuztal]

Long Time No See

Anthony Volpe x Fem Reader

warning(s): +18, smut, a little bit explicit

summary: you and Anthony hadn't seen each other for a long time because you were so far from home.

Word count: 2.6k

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Since many months ago you were far from home, far from your city, your family, your friends and above all far from Anthony, you had been accepted to study as an exchange student in a very important university on the other side of the world... yes, in Japan, you had longed for a long time to go to study in another country and even more if it was Japan, it was one of those places that has striking places and a striking culture, without forgetting that they have very good universities.

You were very happy when you got the news that you had passed all the requirements to study abroad but at the same time that day you were very sad, you had to leave your family and you had to be many miles away from Anthony, which you and he had only 1 year of relationship.

At the time you thought their long distance relationship was not going to work, you thought it was nonsense too, not always long distance relationships work, either because of infidelities, one of the two gets bored, no longer feels the same etc etc.

But your relationship with him went unexpectedly well, although at first it was difficult because of the time difference, at the end both were able to fix everything and always called each other, texted each other and once in a while in the evenings after he had a game you would make video calls asking about each other's day, both always tried to keep up with each other.

It wasn't the same as being in person but every day you loved each other more and more for being close to each other, until finally your vacation came and you could travel for 2 weeks and come back home, you were happy that they gave you that opportunity, to be able to go home, be with the people you love and mainly to see Anthony, you were so anxious that you couldn't sleep thinking about the trip.

Until finally the day of the trip arrived, that day you had talked to Anthony as usual catching up but what he didn't know was that you were coming home, you wanted to surprise him, only mom and dad knew you were coming, you made it very clear to them days before that they couldn’t tell Anthony about your trip.

"Mom, please I beg you, don't tell him I'm coming home, I want it to be a surprise yes...also tell dad not to say anything if you both get to talk with him, ok?" you told him seriously, because you knew that your dad used to let some things slip and more so when he was talking to Anthony.

"It's okay, we won't say anything" your mom had said.

"we promise honey" your dad said crossing his fingers on the video call, you grimaced as you squinted your eyes, knowing he would probably miss something.

With your luggage at the door you said goodbye to your roomie Sophie. "I'll miss you but I'll be back in 2 weeks" you said to Sophie.

"I'll miss you too, I'll wait for you here, bring me something from new york!" said Sophie as she hugged you.

"I'll bring a huge subway rat" you said laughing, while she looked at you with a displeased face." You grabbed your luggage and headed for the airport.

After hours and hours of traveling, you finally landed in New York, you were very nervous and happy to have arrived home, when you did all the check in and took your luggage, you could finally leave. As you were walking to the exit, you could visualize your mom, dad and older brother with balloons to welcome you, you walked faster until you could finally hug them.

"my girl! you are finally home" said your mom as she hugged you tightly.

"I know! i missed you guys so much!"

"and we missed you sweetie" said your dad.

"did you bring something from japan?” said your brother.

"no!" you said automatically and then nudged him in the shoulder "is it really? I'm coming and the first thing you say is that if I brought something?” You said laughing ironically.

"sure" said your brother while laughing "just kidding, we missed you, I just wanted to know if you brought anything".

"yes, yes I bring things" you said "but until later I'll give them their presents".

"okay, let's all go home" said your mom.

"please, I want to go home to take a quick shower and change, I have to go and see Anthony at his apartment"

We went home, you dropped your stuff in your room, took a quick shower and changed your clothes. "I'll be back in a while... or maybe not" you said to your mom as you grabbed your car keys and quickly left the house smiling.

And then… there you were, finally in front of the door of Anthony's apartment, you were nervous and happy to see him, with all the nerves on top of you as if it was the first time you were seeing him, you rang the doorbell until you heard how he opened the door.

When he opened it, you just smiled widely when you saw him, he looked like he was resting or lying down, he was wearing training shorts and a camisole, with his hair a bit tousled and his face... just as handsome but with a shocked face when he saw you standing there at his door.

"surprise!" you said smiling and with your arms outstretched until you saw how he smiled and easily lifted you up with his arms and made you wrap your legs around his waist while he hugged you tightly.

"Have you missed me?" you said as you laughed and hugged him.

"isn't it obvious?" he said as he smiled and looked you in the eyes "I missed you babe" he gave you a kiss.

"me too sweetie, now let's go inside or you'll have me every outside huh?" you said with a raised eyebrow and he just laughed.

When he entered to his apartment with you, he put you down but didn't let you go, he hugged you again. "but how is it possible that you are here? why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would have picked you up at the airport" he said as he let go of you and walked to the couch taking your hand.

"Mmm... it's a long little story" you said caressing his hand.

"But you should have told me or warned me you were coming, anyway I'm happy you're here with me" he said as he walked up to you and gave you a kiss on the cheek.

"yeah, I should have but I wanted it to be a surprise for you so that's why I didn't say anything... but let's forget about that, right now I want to spend time with you" you said caressing his cheek. "How about if we watch a movie, yeah?"

"Whatever you want baby, I'll go make popcorn, I'll be right back."

As you watched the movie and ate popcorn snuggled up with each other on the couch, you felt so good, you missed this kind of thing together with Anthony, the two of you together, in the comfort of his home, you and him were together again.

"You don't know how much I missed this... I missed being with you, being home" you pulled away from him a little and looked into his eyes.

"I missed you too, you don't know how bad I felt sometimes, there were days where I just wanted to give you a hug or give you a simple kiss" he said while caressing your hair " sometimes after a bad game I just wanted to be cuddled up with you, watch a movie or just wanted to have you closeness" he said to then get closer and give you a long kiss.

He pulled away from you and you saw him, you saw every detail of his face and then you saw his lips, you slightly bit your lip at the sight of his, you moved back closer putting your hands on his neck and kissed him again but with more desire.

He followed your rhythm while you kissed him desperately until you finally climbed on his lap, he grabbed your hips, you didn’t resist and started to move your hips in circle on his lap, when you did that he let out a small grunt and stopped kissing you to take a breath.

"wow, you've come a bit bold hm?" he said with a husky voice and smiling while one of his hands was caressing your thigh.

"silly..." you rolled your eyes and suddenly you feel how he lifts up a little to catch your lips on his, kissing you again with a lot of desire, you moved your hips again on his lap and you could feel his erection, you let out a little moan but you kept moving your hips on him.

Anthony was touching you from your waist to your ass enjoying every move you made with your hips, not only he was enjoying it, but you were also enjoying every touch and squeeze he gave you on your ass, you were getting excited with each of his touches and the way he kisses you, how his mouth wanted to eat you, his tongue playing with yours were driving you crazy.

"Mmm..." you let out a small moan as he slipped one of his hands under your shirt, his hand traveled from your abdomen, then to your waist until he finally reached one of your breasts and squeezed it gently.

You felt yourself getting wetter and wetter as you held onto his arms and rubbed yourself on his erection, then you stopped kissing him and moved down to his neck, filling it with kisses and sucking, then he stopped touching you and took off your shirt, leaving you with only a bra, he stopped your hips and lifted you up to take off your pants, leaving you in just your underwear.

He sat you back on his lap and began to kiss you, bite you and give you little licks on your neck, then he kept moving his kisses down to your collarbone, you just let out little moans as you threw your head back giving him room to have better access to your neck.

"oh... Anthony" he kept giving you kisses on your neck until you felt his hands unfasten your bra, exposing your breasts to him, you could feel his kisses going down to your tits and felt his tongue wander on them, you took one of your hands off his shoulders and put it in his hair while he licked your tits "oh shit" you said as you gasped and felt him suck one of your tits while with one of his free hands he touched and caressed the other one.

You felt in heaven, you kept panting as you felt him working on your breasts until you gave him a little tug on his hair as you felt him nibble on one of your nipples.

"My God Anthony..." you moaned a little louder, he just laughed a little after the pull you gave him "it's not fair that only I am almost naked" you said with your voice shaking.

Anthony left your boobs and said "Calm down honey" he held you in his arms, got up and took you to his room.

Once in his room he closed the door and left you on his bed, you stood up a little holding yourself with your elbows while you watched him attentively as he took off his camisole and then his shorts leaving only his boxers, revealing his big erection "happy?" he said as he approached you and gave you a little kiss on the lips.

"Now… yes, i am" you said playfully as you put one of your hands on his neck and your other hand went down from his chest to his boxers, you kissed him again and started massaging his dick against your hand.

“oh fuck" Anthony murmured into the kiss, feeling you stroking his dick in his boxers, you just smiled slightly as you enjoyed stroking him, suddenly you felt one of his hands on your pussy and you let out a moan, now the one smiling was him. "oh shit... you're so wet baby" he said as he pulled away from your lips.

Anthony stopped touching you and licked the juices that were left on his hand that was in your pussy, you just watched what he did.

"mmm delicious" he said smiling slightly, you moved closer to him and kissed him, then you moved your hands down to his boxers and slowly pulled them down, when you pulled down his boxers you saw how his dick came out and you bit your lip when you saw how hard it was.

Anthony finished taking off his boxers and then laid you down on the bed, getting on top of you and going down to kiss you again, you grabbed his shoulders and kissed him desperately "make me yours now baby" you said to Anthony after you stopped kissing him.

"wait a moment babe" he said kissing you again as he took his dick and started rubbing it on your entrance, you moaned into the kiss as you felt what he was doing "come onnn..." you murmured into his lips "make me yours please" you said desperately.

"Wait a little longer baby" he said then turned away from you and reached into his nightstand for a condom "I almost forgot this" he said smiling slightly as he opened it and put it on.

Then he got back on top of you and rubbed his dick on your wet entrance again, until he finally started to slowly penetrate you "ohh hell" you said as you felt him enter you.

"oh shit, so tight babe" he said as he pushed his dick in further until he finally managed to get it all in and started ramming you gently until you got used to him, since both had a long time without having sex.

"Anthony I want more" you said a little agitated.

"Are you sure?" he said looking at her intently.

"Hmm.. yes baby" you said while biting your lip with your eyes closed, he only heeded and started to increase the pace of his thrusts.

You felt how each time his hips collided with you harder, you loved how he did it, he did it delicately but at the same time hard but without hurting you, you were both enjoying the intimate moment you were having.

You searched for his lips desperately, you put your hands around his neck while you kissed him and moaned lightly, when his thrusts started to get deeper, you wrapped your legs around his hips.

"Oh shit, you're getting so much tighter babe" he said after he pulled away from your lips and threw his head back.

"I think I'm going to cum already" you said with your voice shaking as you squeezed tighter as you felt his onslaught.

"Cum for me baby, come on honey, I want to feel you cum" he said softly near your ear with his voice hoarse.

You lowered one of your hands to your clitoris and caressed it while he kept on ramming you “oh fuck..." you said trembling under him, as you felt your orgasm coming.

"yes baby, that's it" he said as he felt you cum on his dick, he kept moving but this time more lightly until he pulled out of you and took off the condom and then he masturbated his himself a little and more later cum on his hand and a little on your abdomen.

"shit..." he said letting out an agitated sigh with his eyes closed "oh shit..." he said again to then lean on one of your shoulders and give you a kiss on it.

“Another thing I missed so much" you said smiling while caressing his hair and his back "I missed this too" he lifted his head and gave you a soft kiss on the lips, you smiled and he got up looking for wipes to clean them.

After both were clean, he lay back down next to you with his arms around you while your head was on his chest.

"babe... you know what surprised me about you coming back" he said as he stroked your hair.

"what?" you said lifting your head a little to see him.

"I didn't expect you to come just today" he smiled biting his lip slightly to keep from smiling completely.

"wait, wait... what? you knew I was coming? not today but that I was coming?" you said perplexed looking at him "oh... no, dad!" you said with a frown as you heard Anthony laughing.

———————————————————————————

Hey! this is my first smut, I hope you enjoyed it, if you have any suggestions I’m open to take them.

[pengujoon]

A LETTER TO MY BELOVED

content. megumi x fwb!reader, fluff, angst if you squint, megumi wants to learn to love and accept being cared for by others. megumi loves you and realises his feelings for you

a/n. wrote this in megumi's pov in mind, although there's no names specific here. it's a different writing style than what I usually do! there's absolutely no smut, but rather just the status of a fwb

To my beloved,

From the moment I met you, something changed within me — a shift in the tides of my heart that I couldn't fully comprehend. You were a tempest of contradictions, a captivating blend of fire and gentleness. And as much as I tried to resist, your presence burrowed deep into my thoughts.

I've always found it difficult to love — difficult to let someone in, to expose my vulnerabilities, when all I've known is people leaving. The pain of loss has carved scars on my heart, a tapestry of wounds that I've carried with me for so long.

When we began as friends with benefits, it was a choice born out of self-preservation. I told myself that this way, I wouldn't have to open my heart fully, wouldn't have to face the possibility of another person walking away from my life.

But every stolen moment, every touch that we shared, only served to deepen the bond between us. Your laughter became a melody that I craved, your smiles an anchor in the storm of my thoughts.

And though I denied it with every fibre of my being, something within me recognised that you were different — that what we had was more than just physical.

I found myself choosing you, over and over again. I found myself seeking comfort in your presence, in your touch, in the shared spaces where it was just you and me against the world.

Yet, I pushed back the truth. I refused to acknowledge the way my heart skipped a beat when you were near, how my pulse quickened at the mere thought of you. I convinced myself that I wasn't capable of love — that I was too broken, too scarred to deserve it.

But love doesn't always follow the rules we set for ourselves. It doesn't care about the walls we've built, the reasons we've concocted to keep it at bay.

I tried to fight it, tried to drown my feelings in denial. But as each day passed, it became impossible to ignore the truth — the truth that I had fallen in love with you, with your laughter that echoed in my dreams, with your touch that set my heart ablaze.

I saw the way you looked at me, a warmth in your eyes that spoke of something deeper, something that went beyond our physical connection. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to believe that you could love me — a person with a past stained by loss and pain.

But maybe, just maybe, it's time to rewrite the script—the story I've told myself for so long. Because every time you're near, every time our fingers brush against each other, it's as if the universe is telling me that love is worth the risk.

So, here I stand, torn between the fear of loss and the desire to be truly seen, truly loved. And as I watch you from afar, I can't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, you could be the one who stays — a constant in a world that's always been transient.

And even though the words are hard to say, even though the fear lingers in the depths of my heart, I'll whisper it to the wind, to the stars above — the truth that's been waiting to be spoken:

I love you.

I always have this headcanon that megumi has a fwb because 1) no strings attached and 2) doesn't involve him romantically. and also I hc that he finds himself hard to be loved and thinks that all the people he loves will eventually leave him, and therefore got himself into his current predicament.

then he eventually came to a realisation that he actually loves his fwb and since he couldn't admit his feelings outright, he chose to write a letter to reveal his true feelings. (such a megumi move)

[rogersideup]

Nice to be Kneaded

Chapter fourteen

Cinnamon Roll

Series Masterlist

Previous part: Cardboard Castle Next Part: Everything will be Okay

Word Count: 7,758

Warnings: Please read. My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Mentions of medical equipment, loss, abuse, PTSD, anxiety and depression. This chapter contains dialog and storytelling of the loss of a pregnancy. If this is a topic that weighs heavy on your heart and is too difficult to read, please skip to the next chapter. 🤍

The whole of the month you got to spend with Steve in Greenwood completely unapologetically was as magical as it could've been. Perfect was an understatement.

It felt like good stepping stones to really get life back on track after the blip. Although you had already gotten a good grip before your arrest, motivation to do better now that you had Steve back at your side was at an all time high.

He got to see all the work you did on the bakery while he was gone, and needless to say the hours you'd devoted worked really well. Business had never been better, and operations have never been smoother.

Though he did have to go back to New York for a little while before he could officially make the move over to the house next to yours, his absence was nothing like the first time.

This time, you knew he was alive and well. The two of your texted all day long, and would have conversations on the phone for hours on end about everything under the sun and nothing at all.

You'd send each other pictures of what you were doing throughout the day. Coffees in the morning, lunch with the Avengers, cakes you decorated that day, dinner with the girls, his fitting for a new suit, your outfit for that one bridal shower.

And in the loneliest hours, your sunflowers would glow. Sometimes if he was having trouble falling asleep in his bed all alone, he'd press his watch to see if you were awake.

Since there was a time difference, your necklace usually lit up around the time you were just getting home from work, so you were happy to make his sunflower glow. The two of you even made a little code.

Once was to say hi, a simple message to let each other know you we're thinking of them. Twice in a row was I miss you, three times was I love you.

Usually at night he would send one to say hi, and make sure you were there, and you would send one back. Then he'd send two to tell you he missed you, and you would send two back. Lastly he would send three, and you'd send three back.

It made you smile every single day. Such a simple, and easy way to know he was always with you even when he physically wasn't anywhere near.

Since he had been gone for two months, and you sill had a month and a half without him, you also took the time to really strengthen your social circle. With the loss of Georgia as your best friend, you found it a good time to really focus on other people in your life who meant a lot to you.

You felt comfortable with your friends now, confiding in them felt easier, hanging out with them felt like less effort, and every day you just felt better.

Steve did a lot to help you find acceptance in the blip, and in turn, he found his own as well. He reminded you that it was okay to start moving on from what was lost and start living your life to the fullest again. And that you did.

You still missed Georgia, especially this time of year. With a particularly traumatic event anniversary looming upon you and rapidly approaching, you found yourself wanting to knock on her door to talk about it. She was the only one who really knew the whole story, the only one that showed up for you that day when you needed someone.

Even though you desperately wanted to talk about it, somehow you couldn't let the words roll off your tongue to anyone. Not to Steve, not to your friends, and your therapist was blipped. Unfortunately, a lot of people turned to therapy after the loss of half the people in the universe which mean the waitlist to get a therapist in your insurance network was miles long.

You were close with your friends now, even best friends with some, but everyone's lives were so chaotic nowadays that you didn't want to trauma dump on them. And sweet Steve, states away in a city that was busy and a job that was even busier while packing up his stuff and arranging to move far away.

Deep down you knew if you told him he'd feel guilty for being so far, and once he knew, you knew he'd look at you through different eyes. Perhaps confiding from thousands of miles away would be easier, he'd had more space to process, and you wouldn't have to look him in the eye when you'd tell him why you've been so sad lately. But maybe from thousands of miles away, he didn't even have to know.

The last thing you ever wanted to do was burden anyone with your emotions. You didn't want to exist loudly in a room during a time that made you want to slip by completely forgotten.

And quite honestly, letting the words leave your mouth and settle into his ears made what happened to you even more real. It wasn't just a tale between you, your last lover, and Georgia.

It would be a real tragedy you'd have to face once more, over and over and over again.

Every morning you'd wake up and the date was displayed proudly on your phone screen, and every day counted down until the grand finale of your grief. Every day closer to the date was a day closer to putting that date behind you.

So, you decided to just be strong. Two more days and it would all be over again until next year. You'd put a brave face on, go to work to distract yourself, come home and go on a walk to distract yourself, dinner and a TV show to distract yourself, then go to sleep until it was time to do it again the next day.

The plan was working, in fact it had worked so well that you never allowed yourself time to process any of your emotions until it hit you like a tone of bricks the day before the anniversary.

It happened mid afternoon while at work while reading a custom cookie request for a baby's first birthday party. Wild one. Jungle animals, pretty monstera leaves, number ones with the little boy's name on them.

A knot formed in your throat faster than you could swallow it away, and tears filled your eyes and the need to cry stung your sinuses. The way you abruptly stood up from in front of the computer and announced you had to go scared pretty much every employee in the store at the time, but your body told you this was an emergency. It was like the building was on fire and every nerve was bouncing around in your brain telling you that exiting was your only means of survival.

You cried on your way home, you cried all the way up the stairs, you cried until you could change into comfortable clothes and get into bed. You laid there in silence and starred up at the ceiling for awhile. Day two of your period happening to fall during this time seemed like the universe laughing in your face. More pain, and heightened emotions. The palm of your right hand over your lower stomach, the palm of your left curled around your necklace.

Everything in you wanted to squeeze it to send Steve a little glow, you even wanted to call him to hear his voice for even just the slightest bit of comfort you could get, but once again, you just couldn't.

Steve was a smart man. He'd know a message from you around this time of day was out of the ordinary, he'd ask you about it, and you wouldn't be able to get yourself to lie to him. But you couldn't tell him what happened yet, still not ready for it to be true.

So you got out of bed and flipped through the hangers in your closet until you found his hoodie. You let it cover and warm your body like the big hug he'd give you if he was here right now, then crawled right back into bed. One hand on your lower stomach, the other clutching the sunflower.

You thought about him for awhile, how he'd react if you just doubled down and talked to him about what happened. The biggest part of you was terrified he'd be left feeling differently about you in the worst way possible, like telling him about the way a past man in your life had treated your body would make you unfavorable for him. But the smaller part of you knew he'd speak comforting words to you over the phone, and support you in anyway he could from so far away. He'd remind you that he'd be back sooner than you knew, he'd offer to fly over the moment he could. You really didn't want to bother him.

Fuck. You missed him. Okay, he gave you the necklace for a reason, you should just use it.

You squeezed it twice. I miss you.

You observed it in the palm of your hand for a while, waiting to see if he noticed you had sent him a little message.

Then, it lit up twice. I miss you too.

A long exhale passed your lips in an effort to take some calm breaths to convince yourself everything was okay. It's been three years now, that's 1,095 days you've survived since than, you have every means necessary to make it 1,096.

Then, your necklace lit up three times. I love you.

You squeezed it three times back. I love you too.

That little reminder was enough to snap yourself out of it for a while. You watched a movie in bed, took a shower, then called it a night early around 7:30pm. But you couldn't sleep, your mind was racing way too fast alongside your heart. A little while later, your phone rang beside you and you didn't even open your eyes to pick it up, you already knew who it was.

"Hi, baby" Steve's voice filled your room.

"Hi, love. How are you?" You asked, trying to sound normal. It didn't work.

"I'm good!" He answered. "I called you so you didn't get scared."

"Scared?" You questioned, throughly confused.

"Your front door is about to open, but it's fine. Don't worry about it." He said.

"...my front door? Is about to open? And I shouldn't be scared?" You reiterated.

"Yeah, it's totally fine. Pay it no mind." He confirmed.

You could hear the lock and knob rattling from downstairs, then the familiar sound of the door opening and closing.

"Okaaaaayy? Do I want to know who's in my house right now or should I just continue to pretend like this is totally fine and normal?"

"No it's definitely totally fine and 100% normal." He reassured. "Hey, why are all the lights off right now?"

"Are you in my house or is this like... some sort of Avengers secret spy thing and something is about to try and kill me but it's going to be fine because I'm on the phone with you?" You asked, heart rate increasing by the second.

"Everything is fine, including the footsteps up your staircase." His voice dropped to a whisper.

"Steve..."

"I'm coming in"

You bedroom door knob turned before it opened, revealing a slightly disheveled Steve in cozy clothes with a backpack on his back and flowers in his hand.

"Surprise!" He greeted you with a big smile, and sleepy eyes.

"Steve! What the h- why are you here?!" You happily jumped out of bed and practically tackled him in the biggest hug you could manage.

"Cause I missed you!" He enthused, keeping his balance despite how much force you had used to knock into him.

"I missed you too!" You squeezed him tight. A hug from him was exactly what you needed right now.

“That conference thing next week got canceled and I had nothing on the schedule until then. I was already contemplating it, then you said you missed me so I hopped on the Jet and now here I am!"

You giggled before rocking up on your tippy toes to reach his lips for a kiss. "I'm so happy you're here!"

"I was just going to come in and walk up but I really didn't want to get the police called on me today." He explained.

"Yeah, that definitely would've scared the shit out of me." You agreed with a smile as you got a good look at his face. He looked tired, his eyes were sleepy and swollen, his shoulders and posture was relaxed, and his voice was raspier than usual. "You seem tired, are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine!" He assured you. "I did some agility training this morning and it kicked my butt. I'm just tired and sore."

"You? Sore?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Unfortunately." Steve grinned, then he noticed your face. Your nose and eyes were red, they lacked that usual sparkle he was used to. The smile he loved so much seemed like it was the first time it occurred all day long. "Woah, Sunflower what's wrong?"

You watched his face change from happy to concerned in a split second. He set the flowers down on the dresser, and slipped his backpack off before setting it against the wall. "Oh, nothing I'm okay."

"At what point are we going to learn that I'll never believe that?" Steve denied your claim.

You raised an eyebrow at him as he sat down on the edge of your bed and pat his lap, prompting you to sit. Unfortunately, even with him right in front of you, you still couldn't get yourself to talk about it. Only half the truth was going to have to make due for now.

Sitting sideways on his lap, you hid your face away in the crook of his neck and let his strong arms squeeze you tight and support your body as your curled up into a little ball. Right here, hiding away against his body and behind the protection of his arms was where you felt safest. You wished in that moment that you could spend the rest of today and all of tomorrow here.

"Didn't even realized how much I needed this until right now." You confessed, melting into him him butter.

"Talk to me, Sweetheart. What's going on?" Steve asked, pressing kisses to your forehead.

You sighed, feeling bad that this was supposed to be a happy surprise but you're ruining it for him. "Sorry, just- hard day at work, cramps, hormones making the hard day even harder." You explained.

"Really?! Didn't you just get your period like..." he counted on his fingers. "Four weeks ago?"

"Cruel isn't it?" He forced more smiles out of you.

"So cruel." Steve agreed. "What happened at work?"

"Super busy as usual, I just kind've felt like I was drowning all day and unable to keep up."

"I'm sorry, Baby." Steve pouted before kissing your cheek. He had a strong suspicion that there was more happening beneath the surface, but he also understood that it was getting late and his presence was unexpected. You probably needed more time to warm back up. "How can I make you feel better?"

"This is more than enough." You smiled, squeezing him tightly with your arms once more. "Thanks for coming."'

"Anything for you" He squeezed you back.

Since it was already pretty late and you were both tired, you got into bed and cuddled up close. Once again, you were amazed by Steve's ability to be by your side when you needed him most, even if he might not have realized how impeccable his timing was. His heart beating calmly and slowly against your palm did wonders to ground you, and the loving exchange of words and slow kisses calmed your mind from running too far ahead of itself.

Steve eventually drifted off, but sleep never arrived for you. Most of the night was spent staring up at the ceiling and holding Steve in the embrace he subconsciously had you in.

He had woken up a few times in the night completely unnoticed by you, or maybe you just didn't have the energy to acknowledge he was awake, but each time he caught you with a hand on your stomach and your eyes glued to the ceiling. At one point he even tried to help you. He trapped you in his arms and you hid your face into the crook of his neck once more, your legs tangled up with his and his warm hand cradled the back of your head. You kissed his neck in appreciation and really tried your hardest to turn your brain off.

Then, when Steve woke up the next morning you were out like a light. Your body was completely on top of his, and so relaxed you might as well have been a piece cooked spaghetti. He stayed with you for a while, making sure to massage your back and play with your hair, but he realized after a while that there were no signs you were anywhere near ready to wake up and function for the day. As carefully as he would diffuse a bomb, he slipped out from underneath you and tucked you back in super tight before kissing you goodbye and going for a run.

By the time he finished a disgusting amount of miles and actually tuckered himself out, he showered and made his way back to you. Carrying his feet up the stairs, he found you dressed for the day, hair done in a cute little clip, sneakers on your feet, but also slouched over with your head in your hands.

The sound of the door opening alerted you to pick yourself up, but it was no use. You couldn't even hide that you were miserable.

"Good morning, baby." You stuck your arms out for a hug.

"Morning" He leaned over and gave you one without question, before squatting down in front of you. "Still not feeling good?"

His face was full of so much sympathy it made you want to curl up into a ball and cry, but that wasn't an option right now. Not when your girls at the bakery called for help even though you blocked today off just for yourself. "Is it really that obvious?"

"You look beautiful," He kindly smiled as he took his hands into yours. "but you don't seem like yourself, and I can tell you didn't sleep much last night."

"I didn't, that's for sure."

"You have to go to work?" He questioned sadly.

You nodded with regret and apology. He flew all the way here just to see you, but all he got was the worst version of you and now none of you at all. "I'm sorry, the girls asked me to come in, they're drowning in work just like I was yesterday."

"No, don't be sorry." Steve reassured you, his kind smile persisting. "If you need help with anything just let me know, alright? You know I'm happy to help."

"Thank you, Stevie." This time you smiled. "I feel really bad that you came all this way to see me and all you've gotten is...this." You referred to yourself.

"Hey, don't say that." He furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm not here to only love you when you're at your best, Sunflower. I love you just as much like this as I would if you were happy and bouncing off the walls."

"I love you so much." You leaned forward and wrapped your arms around his neck.

He kissed your cheek, then you pulled away. "You know if you ever want to talk about anything I'm here for you, judgement free right?"

"I know, and I appreciate that." You nodded, contemplating your words and desperately trying to find the right ones. Remembering the last time your trauma caused you to feel too scared to talk to him, a light clicked in your head when you remembered he thought it was his fault. "I'm going to be honest and say that today is going to be a hard day, but if you just give me until tomorrow I promise I'll be better."

"So there is something wrong?" He questioned gently, your hands shook in his hold so he rubbed the back of them with his thumbs.

You nodded. "I'm sorry. I just- I don't know how to talk about it. And I have to go to work for a while so I don't even want to open up a whole can of worms right before I have to go. It's been so busy I feel like I can't even breathe, plus with all of this it just feels like everybody wants too much from me-"

"Hey, it's okay, just take a deep breath." Steve reminded you. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I'm not going to make you. There's no timeline, you don't have to be better by tomorrow."

"I'm sorry" You apologized again, taking a deep breath.

"You're okay" He squeezed your hands. "I love you, and I want to support you the best way I can."

"I love you too. I'll see you when I get home?"

"I'll be here" Steve reassured you.

Work was fine for a little while, you were able to completely shut off the brain noise as you helped catch up on cake orders and played barista in the front. But a few hours before closing there was a huge rush, and it never slowed down until you had to cut off the customers from coming in at exactly closing time. Then there was so much to do that you couldn't even think about anything happening in your personal life if you wanted to. There were a million different things happening at once, each of your employees had a million questions for you, each question distracted you from every task from the long list you so desperately needed to complete.

You got yelled at by more than one customer, and it definitely wasn't a pleasant experience. Words of how you're a terrible person with worse business ethic were spat at you, reminders that you're a bitch and you lost customers over not serving chocolate chip cookies after closing time.

One woman even made a comment to you after calling you incompetent that made you hold back a laugh from deep within your soul. "I came all the way here to get the same treats Captain America eats and this is what I get? Steve Rogers would make sure everyone in line got something instead of cutting people off and sending them home empty handed."

You could've explained that every single one of your employees was already putting in more hours than normal. They were all exhausted, on overtime, and you were trying your hardest to not ware them all out more than you already have. You could've said the bake case was almost empty anyways, there wasn't even enough to serve everyone in line. You even could have even given them one of the last few pastries in the case to make up for the inconvenience, because really you did feel bad.

But instead, you condemned her for being rude to you. You stood your ground and asked her to leave. Normally you wouldn't stick up for yourself like that in the bakery, you always had a professional response to everything and any situation that was thrown your way. But there was an anger bubbling inside you since you woke up this morning.

Three years ago the universe took a lot from you, and today when you just needed to give back to yourself, you were met with nothing but people taking more from you.

Steve was at home waiting for your time, the girls needed your effort, the customers needed more than you could offer them. They called you names, you worked yourself to the bone, and you were harboring guilt all dealing with a plethora of your own issues. So yes, you yelled back at her.That wasn't something you were going to feel bad about. She had it coming.

However, the anger from the day boiled inside you as you closed the bakery and made your way home. Saying you were overwhelmed and overstimulated was an understatement, and knowing you had an opportunity for just a few moments of alone time was the only thing holding you together.

You rushed into your house like a tornado, the front door slammed behind you in your residual gusts of wind. Not even bothering to lock it, you bolted up the stairs, straight through your bedroom and right into your bathroom where you subconsciously slammed the door once more. The bath was filling with steamy hot water and bubbles from your favorite soap in an instant.

Being so laser focused on a long hot bath, and being so stuck in your own anger made you miss the way Steve was sitting on your couch. You missed him locking the door behind you with big wide eyes, you missed him calling after you, you missed the way you had slammed not only your bedroom door, but also your bathroom door right in his face as your ripped through your house.

Quite honestly, Steve was feeling deeply concerned. He had never seen you anything but quiet and gentle before. Even on your saddest days you walked gently as if the ground was made of wispy cotton candy, you moved calmly, everything you did was quiet. But this? This was like the Tasmanian Devil from looney toons had possessed his girlfriend. This had him timidly knocking on the bathroom door before he entered, which you also somehow seemed to miss.

He poked his head in but didn't dare to enter. You were ripping your shirt off and kicking your shoes off your feet at the same time. "Everything okay?" He asked quietly.

"Jesus Chris-"You shrieked and jumped out of your skin. "What the fuck- dude. Don't sneak up on me like that."

"I'm sorry, I thought you heard me." Steve defended himself. "I was calling after you, I knocked on the door."

"Okay well, obviously I didn't hear you." You snapped, immediately feeling guilty but also feeling completely unable to take down your attitude down a notch.

His eyebrows raised, feeling surprised by your reaction towards him. "Are you okay?"

"Im so tired of being asked that as if I'm some ticking time bomb." As you continued undressing, you glared at him. You fucking hated that question, especially at this moment when it was very obvious that you were not. But, you could tell that your defensiveness was making him defensive, and that made you all the more anxious but you just couldn't stop. "But i'm just peachy! Thanks for asking!"

"I'm not what you're mad at." He reminded you. "I'm not the enemy."

He was right, but telling by his tone he was definitely not happy with you. "Can I just get some time to myself?" You took some deep breaths, but your tone was still putting up its fight. "Maybe like an hour? Please?"

Though Steve knew you were going through something, this was the first time the two of you even had anything close to an argument. He was trying not to feel hurt but he couldn't get Georgia's words out of his head. They played over and over again like a record with a deep scratch in its grooves.

She'll love you so hard, but shut you out when things get emotionally tough in her head. So much so that it'll suffocate you.

"You're shutting me out." Steve mumbled. He didn't know if it was to himself or to you, but either way it slipped passed his lips.

"I'm not shutting you out, I just need an hour to pull myself together because I can't regulate my emotions right now and I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying something I don't mean." You explained, pulling your hair up into a bun while your heart raced out of your chest.

"Should I not have come?" Steve asked, hurt in his eyes.

"What?" You asked, slowly remembering something you had overheard but completely blocked out from your memory.

"I feel like I shouldn't have come here." He said again, this time he hurt your feelings.

That one line from him set you right back into the way things used to be with your ex. You shut down your own feelings to protect yourself, and started pushing him away. "Are you feeling suffocated?"

His head snapped up and his eyes burned holes into your body as you sank into the bath. "I'm sorry I don't understa-"

"If you feel suffocated you can just go home, breathe some fresh air somewhere I'm not." You spat, trying not to cry.

"You heard that conversation with Georgia?" He asked, finally piecing together the puzzle.

"My window was open, I had no choice." You explained. "I know that she probably planted a little bug in your head. You've probably been worried about it every day since she said that to you."

"Sunflower you can't just-"

"Can't what?" You spat, arms resting on the side of the tub. "Tell you I'm not in a good place and I need a day to just feel better again? Communicate that I need some alone time to avoid exactly what's happening right now? Tell you I already feel bad about how you came here just for me to be in a not so great mental state?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out so it snapped shut.

"I'm trying Steve. I'm trying to be better, trying to not be so... suffocating but right now I'm giving all I have. This is it. And if it's not enough, you can just go home and we can deal with this later. I have nothing left."

"I'll leave if you want me to, but I can't get the Jet out of the hanger until the morning." He grumbled.

"The Jet?" You questioned, the cracks in your heart shattered even deeper in your chest.

"You told me to go home."

You chuckled as to disguise the way your heat shattered at the confirmation of your worst fear. Greenwood didn’t feel like home to him, and you were holding him back in the small town when his heart beloved in a big city. "Well I thought we were both in agreement that your home was one door over."

Steve immediately realized the damage he had done and instantly felt terrible for misunderstanding you. The guilt squeezed his chest making it hard to breathe, now he was the one who needed some time to himself just to reassess the damage that had been done and formulate a way to properly fix it.

"It is but I thought you meant-" The words continued escaping him. He couldn't even formulate a proper sentence anymore. Honestly, each of his words dug him a deeper grave that he had to lay in so he just decided to shut up. That's probably what you wanted from the moment he accidentally scared you in the first place.

"If you don't feel like this is your home, it doesn't have to be." You scolded him. "And if I'm suffocating you, you don't have to stay here. No one is forcing you to put up with any of this."

"Yet I'm still here, aren't I?" He pointed out.

"I need an hour." You firmly set your boundary. "Minimum."

"That's fine. I'm just... I'm gonna go home." Steve mumbled.

"Guess I'll find out where that is later." You said your peace before letting the whole of your tired body sink into the hot water.

Steve watched your lip wobble and your eyes close as you settled into the tub. One single tear fell down your face as you took some deep breaths and waited for the sound of the door to slam shut. It never did, instead there were footsteps towards you and the gentlest of kisses on the crown of your head before he left and the door clicked quietly behind him.

You used a little battery powered remote to turn off all the bathroom lights, and let the tears fall quietly as you kept your eyes closed and made peace with not being okay for a while.

The warm water, small dark room, and a cozy scent felt like the best sanctuary away from the craziness of the world. The warmth and pressure of the deep water felt like the hug you really needed all day, and the lack of stimulants made you feel as though you could catch your breath again.

Meanwhile, Steve went home and set a timer on his phone for one hour and one minute. If you needed a minimum of an hour, that's what he would give you before letting you know what he so desperately needed you to hear.

Just as your mind relaxed and you felt like you had a good grip on your emotions again, Steve's alarm went off.

The completely dark bathroom illuminated with a soft golden glow, even with your eyes closed you could see it through your eyelids.

Slowly opening them, you counted three lights. I love you.

Your hand moved up from its spot on your lower stomach, and gripped the sunflower on your necklace.

You squeezed it three times. I love you too.

Watching his watch light up gave him enough courage to get off his ass and actually execute the very plan he thought of the moment he stepped out of your front door.

A little while later, your bath ran cold and your eyes grew heavy so got out and dressed yourself. You dragged your heavy feet down the stairs for a calming cup of tea to help you sleep, they shuffled on the hardwood floors of the first level and stopped in place when you saw a sleepy and sad Steve on your couch.

His blank stare at the tv was distracted by your entrance, so he sat up and started explaining himself. "You told me to go home, but my home is wherever you are so I settled for the couch."

Everything in you ached, and you hated every second of the little argument you just had.

"You don't have to talk about what's happening, and we don't even have to talk about what happened upstairs until you feel better, but I don't want you to be alone." Steve explained, keeping his voice mellow and calm.

In that moment, you surrendered. Your white flag waved high up on a pole, and you chucked all your fears out of the window.

What happened to you was real whether people knew or not, and you and Steve were already on a pretty rocky road. Whether this would patch up the potholes or open up a sinkhole didn't really matter to you anymore. You were just desperate to not feel so alone inside of your own head.

So you walked towards him and dove into his arms. Much like he did last night, he held you safely against his warm body without question.

No longer asking if you were okay, he just let you be sad. He knew now that not everything needed a solution, but you definitely needed support.

You stayed there for a little while, finding the strength to let him in while simultaneously basking in his body heat. Really, he thought you weren't going to speak another word until tomorrow morning. But when he heard your quiet voice tucked between his neck and shoulder he almost couldn't believe it was coming from you.

"Three years ago my ex shoved me down the stairs." You started. After that you almost stopped, you could've just left it at that. You even waited a few moments to see if he had a response to that, but it seemed like he was more so waiting for you to continue. "We had a really bad argument right in the hallway, well, it started in the bathroom and he led me to the hallway. Something I said really pissed him off and he shoved me backwards. I lost my balance, fell down every single step."

Steve's arms wrapped tighter around you, unsure of when or if he was supposed to say anything to you. But some arm rubs seemed to do the trick as you settled deeper into his body and opened your heart to him.

"When he recalls the story, he said I tripped over my own feet and for a little while I believed him." You added.

"We're you okay?" Steve practically whispered.

"We got into that really bad argument because he had gotten me pregnant on accident" You revealed, feeling nervous to the point of nausea.

Once again, he didn't know how to respond to that, but he let out a little grimace hoping that where he thought this story was going would end up a thousand times better than what was in his head.

"It was an accident but I was excited, I always wanted to be a mom and I knew I could do it whether he wanted to be present in it's little life or not. He wanted me to terminate the pregnancy pretty early on, but I convinced him to let me take charge. I would do everything on my own, he's never have to lift a single finger, that's what we agreed on." You explained. "I was 12 weeks along and we found out it was a boy. I was so happy, but he just... blew up. He said I was trapping him- intentionally trying to ruining his life because I had everything I wanted in the palm of my hand. It was that same day I just so happen to trip over my own feet."

"I'm so sorry." Steve already knew this had a bad ending, he couldn't even brace himself for it.

"Baby lost his heartbeat before I could even make it to Greenwood Medical. Georgia was out of town when it happened, I didn't want to upset my mom with the news and loss of a baby in the same phone call, and my ex said if I needed to deal with the consequences of my own actions so I was alone in the hospital room for four days after an emergency extraction and sustaining a plethora of other injuries until Georgia could come him." You continued the story. "She brought me home from the hospital and took care of me night and day for a whole week before convincing me to file a police report. But the second he found out that I was trying to take legal action against him, he packed all his stuff and left. We couldn't even find him to serve a restraining order against him after that, nobody even knew he was in Arizona until a year after he left."

"When he was found, was a restraining order served?" Steve questioned.

You nodded. "I'm usually okay. I can think about the baby without getting sad, I remember those 12 weeks through rose colored glasses even though I was so terribly sick every day. But this is the one time of year I can't beat it. I get angry that it happened, I just wanted to track him down and scream in his face, I just feel mad at the world when I see happy moms with their kids. And this year, my period just feels like a cruel reminder that I'm definitely not pregnant."

Steve kissed your head as he tried to find the right words to make it better, but nothing could. Quite honestly, if he had been through anything like that, he was sure he wouldn't be as put together as you were regardless of the argument you two had, and the fact that you felt like you were falling apart.

A lot of situations clicked into place through your admission. Your fear of the hospital, your subtle reaction to him asking if you wanted kids, your hand that never seemed to leave it's spot on your tummy while you stared up at the ceiling last night.

"I usually spend this day alone, but everyone needed a lot from me today. Work was stressful and customers were yelling at me when I already had very little to offer the world. I didn't mean to shut you out, and I definitely didn't mean to be rude. I just... snapped and I'm really sorry." You finally apologized feeling so much lighter already. "You didn't deserve my attitude, and you weren't what I was mad about."

"It's okay, I knew something was wrong and I let my own hard head get in the way." He accepted. "I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions and not really hearing what you were saying."

"I completely understand, if you didn't know I get that my behavior probably seems completely irrational and dramatic." You sympathized. "I think you handled it pretty well."

"Nothing about your behavior today has been dramatic, and I definitely didn't handle that well." He denied. "But I know now, and I'll do better next time. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Sunflower. I don't even know what to say, but I'm sure you've heard every bullshit greeting card invalidating response under the sun already."

"Oh trust me, I know I'm young and I could just pop out another one whenever I want to." You chuckled at the accuracy of his statement. "Don't worry, I know Jesus or god or whoever is up there has a baby ready for me whenever I'm really ready to be a mom."

Steve physically cringed at those two statements, "Is there anything I can do for you to make this day better?"

You shook your head with an artificial grin. "Your patience and understanding has been more than enough."

He kissed the top of you head, and thought long and hard about words he could speak to bring you comfort, but you spoke again before he did.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my pregnancy sooner. I wasn't trying to hide it or keep it a secret, it's just.... It's hard to talk about. And I found that when I told people I was always met with these pitiful looks and sentiments that always made me feel worse than when I just kept it all bottled up. It's also something that I definitely would've been punished for in the past and I'm just trying really hard to unlearn all of the fear that comes along with rebuilding healthy relationships. I'm never trying to push you away when things get hard or shut you out, sometimes I just get scared and I don't know how to handle it."

"Well I think you're doing a really good job." Steve softly grinned down at you. His praise warmed your heart and your cheeks. "I can't imagine any of that was easy, so thank you for sharing that with me."

"You make it easy." You let out a sigh of relief.

"You're always safe with me, Sunflower." Steve reminded you. "Always. I mean that. I'm here for you whenever you need me for anything no matter what. Nothing will ever change the way I love you."

"Our love for each other has been pretty unconditional so far hasn't it?" You giggled.

Steve thought about what you said before smiling in agreement. "Yeah, we have been through some crazy stuff together haven't we?"

"I'd say so." You agreed.

"Did he have a name?" Steve questioned.

"The baby?" You reiterated.

"Yeah" he nodded with a grin.

"I never got the chance to give him one" You denied, "but I was calling him cinnamon roll."

"Awww cause he was a little bun in your oven?" Steve pouted because it was just too cute to handle.

"Exactly"

"Well in all the time cinnamon roll had with you, all he ever knew was the best mama in the whole world." Steve acknowledged, not wanting to dismiss what your grief was reminding you off today.

You lip trembled despite your genuine smile, and your eyes filled with tears. "Damn it honey, I just stopped crying."

"It's okay to cry" He smiled with you, giving you another squeeze. "Shedding some tears is wonderful way to spend the day regardless of the pain. It's just a reminder of how much you really loved him and I think that's beautiful."

"Thank you, Stevie, for everything. You're the best person I've ever had in my life, and I love you so fucking much." You dug your face back into the crook of his neck feeling an overwhelming amount of love for the baby you never got to know and the man holding you close.

"I love you too." He gently rocked you.

"I think you'll be the best dad in the whole world one day." You thought out loud.

"And you're the best mom ever."

Once again, that statement made the tears fall past the surface point. Steve let you quietly cry in his arms until he unintentionally lulled you to sleep.

But tonight unlike any of the night of the previous three years, your tears were full of joy. And instead of drifting off and thinking of the loss and the what if's, you thought of something much happier.

You reminisced on all of the times, the years, you settled for scraps. The times of your life you begged of any ounce of affection and support, you thought you had to earn it. When you did, the attention was laced with rejection, resentment lingered through every word and every touch.

And now you got to fall asleep in the safety of the arms of your favorite person. His words came without incentive, you didn't have to beg for his touch. You didn't need to earn the tender moments or reassurance.

It all just came so easy.

Though religion was something that escaped you early in life, you were convinced this new life you had was good enough to be heaven sent, and Steve was the closest thing to a real life angel you'd ever see.

You slept soundly that night knowing that one day whenever you were ready, you'd have a little cinnamon roll to love for the rest of your life.

And maybe a honeybun.

Maybe a popover.

And with full confidence they would be half you, half angel.

Next Part: Everything will be Okay

Please note that I understand I’m covering heavy topics in this series, but I wholeheartedly believe it’s important to highlight an experience that is unfortunately very common in womanhood. To be anything but a cis white man is to fight in a world that wasn’t made for you, and I think writing only experiences of sunshine and rainbows for readers is a disservice to capturing living a human life. Much love and lots of light to everyone reading 🤍🌟

Tag list: @patzammit @bemysugarbean @buckymydarlingangel @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @happinessinthebeing @differenttyphoonwerewolf @themotherof10 @lokislady82 @talesofadragon @spikeluv84 @xxxalicerogersxx @Avid-fic-reader-05 @royalwriteroftheuniverse @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @bitchy-bi-trash @crazyunsexycool @openup-yourmind @selella @kattreffic @benedict-squirtle @magnificentsaladllama @natashassandwitch @theroyalmanatee @calwitch @avengersinitiative2012 @rogersbarber @daddywattpad4945

[holybibly]

hi!! i’m a writer myself and despite having mdni on my blog, i still get a lot of minors trying to with my work. i regularly have to check my followers for ages in their bio and i’ve even had minors come in my inbox telling me that i’m ’overreacting’ for not wanting them to read my writing. it’s gotten to the point where i’ve just turned off anon altogether, partially because of the weird people in my inbox and partially so i know i can be safe and not respond to minors by accident.

i guess what i’m trying to get at here is even though you have mdni on your blog, how can you be sure that the people in your inbox aren’t minors. there’s nothing physically stopping them from coming on your blog and sending sexual asks and you seem to facilitate these asks by responding in an equally sexual manner. i hope i’m not coming across as rude, but i just don’t see how you can be sure that you’re not engaging with minors when you respond to anons in a flirtatious and sexual way. if you somehow do check their ages, great! but since they’re anon, i don’t really see how that’s possible…

So, hello. Well, the wording of the question is rather crude to begin with, don't you think? And frankly, I'd prefer to take such questions to DM posts, but if you want to talk, you're welcome. 

First of all, don't you think it's a bit unfair? Accusing anonymous people and then asking a question anonymously? I don't think it's very nice, or do you think I'm going to declare a witch hunt and go on a bashing spree? That's so stupid. Or do you just not like me? Because that's what it sounds like. In general, I don't mind you having an opinion, but by sending a message like that, you knew I'd respond to it. 

Secondly, I know this is going to sound awful and you can totally throw a bunch of shitty comments and posts at me, but let's be honest, even if we check the age of our subscribers and readers every time they subscribe to us, when they ask us questions, comment, reblog, etc., where is the 100% guarantee that those people didn't lie about their age when they created their blog on Tumblr? 

Go to any porn site; age verification is just a tick in the box. These are the horrible realities we face every day. The internet is a place where it is very difficult to verify anything, and unfortunately, there are consequences.

I am in no way supporting the sexualization of minors, and I am certainly not engaging in depravity, although you make it sound that way. 

But I do know that there are many people who can't talk openly about their desires, sexual or otherwise; people who doubt their sexuality and self-acceptance; people who are judged for being different; people who are shamed for being too feminine or masculine; for having problems with daddy or mommy; or simply for being too quiet and shy. Not all of us are going to come out for manifestos and parades. 

And in this case, the only option for them is anonymity. I repeat, I do not support the sexualization of minors in any way, and if you want to accuse me of encouraging such things, I suggest you look at some of the profiles of authors on AO3 who openly use sex scenes with minors and even children in the text of their work. 

I don't know your social circle as a writer, and since you're asking this anonymously, I can't even check your work, but I think the problem is not whether I answer anonymous questions or not, but whether I talk to my bunnies at all. Every time I get messages like this, I think about it. You call me weird, angry, triggering, and now a lecher. Not directly, but the context is clear. 

I've never written messages like that to anyone; you know, it's not nice. I've never intended to offend or hurt anyone with my replies or FFs. But apparently everyone around me, for some strange reason, thinks I'm some source of universal evil while trying to retrain me and change my character and disposition. 

I really hope you are happy with what you are doing. 

Bunnies, I'm sorry. There will be no updates for a while. 

[legacyofthedamneddsaf]

Hey hey! First off, I love this AU to absolute pieces. It's so damn fun to watch/learn about.

Second of all!! Is it okay to have everyone's pronouns and/or identities?? I just wanna know, not just for the sake of curiosity, but also so I don't misgender them when rambling about the AU(/pos) to some people

mod talk under the cut!

Sorry this is so long, they're all just terrible and complicated people who have horrible messy relationships with everything. They require intense explanation!!

Legacy: he/him. Also responds to it/its, but wouldn't necessarily label himself that way if asked. Otherwise, he doesn't care much for labels. OOC, he's acespec but doesn't put many restrictions on who he's interested in - he's kind of a slut that way.

Dave: he/him, although he doesn't care too much. Like Legacy, he's unlabelled. His standards are basically "anything that moves," but he's pretty arospec - the only person he'd consider maintaining a serious connection to is Legacy.

Henry: will only accept he/him, he finds anything else very disrespectful. He's bi, but he's not really interested in romance or sex right now, he's too married to his research. (And, like, his dead wife, also.)

Peter: he/him. He actually labels himself! He would call himself transheteroflexible, he just doesn't talk about it all that much. He's got bigger issues.

Blackjack: responds to any pronouns, but if you asked he'd say he/him. He calls himself gay as an umbrella term, but doesn't have any more specifics than that. OOC, he's probably on the arospec!

Dee: she/they lesbian. (she's just like me fr!) She gave a lot of thought to this while she was distracting herself, so they would actually describe themself that way! I personally think she worries a lot about counting as femme or butch while also not having the best conceptualization of either identity. But at least we have lesbians in this godforsaken world.

Jake: if you ask, he'd say "he/it," but he only uses it/its in the fucked up way where he feels like if he chooses the dehumanization then it's totally fine and he actually doesn't care. So, out of canon, he/him! (note: I'm absolutely not saying it/its is inherently dehumanizing, both the other mods use it/its!! I just think Jake has problems in his mind.) He's really repressed about his sexuality, he's (regretfully and messily -s) been with Legacy but his emotions on that are so complicated he tries and fails to absolutely never think about it again. What he has going on with Roger is a lot less fucked up, but he's still weird about it. I don't think he'd call himself any kind of queer, but he's probably bisexual.

Roger: he/him, but he's dabbled with she on occasions. He thinks he's completely romantically destitute and nobody will ever love him, so he hasn't bothered with putting a name to his sexuality, but he's the kind of guy to say "everyone likes men, that's normal!" He is in for some incredibly eye-opening months with the Damned for sure.

this emotionally stunted man is going to go the fuck through it in possibly the worst time and place for it. oh well! -s

Harry: he/him, he'd call himself bi. He knows this because he had a thing with Joe, and he assumes that attraction to women is a universal constant even though he personally leans heavily towards men.

the ancient greeks would like this guy i think -h

Steven: he/him, gay, he's probably the only person here other than Dee to have a solid concept of their own identity! Shoutout to Steven for being uncomplicated

and that was "2 ppl who dont really label themselves or have strong ties to their queer identity try to figure out how a bunch of other ppl would feel about theirs," as translated by arden. you could say that we write what we know -s

yeah, the mods are all different flavors of aro/acespec and genderweird. it's all so difficult forever

[wonder-worker]

The idea that Alice was in fact perceived by the Commons’ as one of the greatest problems is certainly the impression given by Thomas Brinton in the famous sermon that he preached at St Paul’s Cross on Sunday 18 May while the Good Parliament was in progress. Starting with an introductory passage on how true Christians carry out their faith in deeds, Brinton proclaimed his thema, ‘factor operis hic beatus’ (the doer of the work shall be blessed), before moving to the subject of parliament. With a pointed reference to the contemporaneous proceedings against the court party, he stated that the Lords and Commons are called together in parliament to discuss the affairs of the kingdom:

But of what use is it to discuss the affairs in parliament if the deeds of transgressors are publicly declared and complained about, if such denunciation is not followed by due correction? Yet is it not known and preached almost everywhere how individual persons, not virtuous but vicious and scandalous, have for a long time had the chief rule of this kingdom? Although we have universally moaned and even spoken out against their rule to correct it, however, we do not have the courage to speak the truth about what should be said or done.

[…] Brinton then expands on the problems in England, which he describes as being formerly ‘abounded in wealth but is now poor and penniless … resplendent with grace but now graceless and shameful … ruled in justice but now full of vice without rule.’ He explains this social, economic and political decline through three themes: first, that England was polluted by lechery and adultery, all of his comments on which could be interpreted as a reference to Edward’s relationship with Alice; second, that the English, and especially the king and nobility, had not been devout in their attendance at Mass, sermons and religious processions; and third, that the kingdom was not ruled by justice, but instead the king and his sons are so led by their counsellors ‘that they themselves are poor and wretched, given their rank, while those who lead them are so rolling in riches that, if a fourth of the kingdom’s temporal possessions were for sale, they would have the money to buy them’. As this quotation indicates, it was in the final section of the sermon that Brinton made the most obvious allusions to the court. In reference to the perception that access to Edward III was being solely controlled by his favourites, he continued by asking, ‘does it seem a just order that unworthy and low-born people have access to the king for furthering their affairs, while the nobles and prelates when they come to court for business … are not granted an audience but are forced to remain outside among the poor?’

Significantly, as he brought the sermon to its climactic finale, Brinton continued his attack on the governance of the realm by condemning the fact that, while the king of France had in his privy council seventy men chosen from every state of life, by whose advice all difficult matters are settled, the king of England, ‘though he has prudent and faithful councillors and officials, acts in like difficulties by the counsel of only one’. In the next sentence he made it clear that he was not referring to one of Edward’s male favourites but to Alice, by his infamous statement that ��nor is it fitting or safe for all the keys of the kingdom to hang from the belt of one wife.’ Although the word wife (uxoris) is used, it is widely accepted that this is a clear reference to Alice. Councillors should not be women, Brinton concluded, ‘who are shrewd in looking after their own advantages’, but men of uprightness, maturity and holiness.

Brinton sat as a prelate in the Good Parliament and as such was a very well-informed source regarding both the feelings and opinions that were circulating at the time. As with many who sat in the Lords, he was sympathetic to the Commons’ cause and desired the reform of the king’s government as much as they did. His sermon, therefore, can be interpreted as a call to the Commons at a critical juncture in proceedings to stand by their convictions and see that the members of the court covyne be brought to justice. Regarding Alice, what is significant is that Brinton singles her out from all the courtiers as the most powerful controlling influence over Edward III, through whom it was perceived all decisions were made. In addition, by positioning her at the end of the sermon, Brinton placed dramatic emphasis on her role by presenting her as the personification of all the sins and vices that had beset the country and caused it to fall into ruin.

— Laura Tompkins, The Uncrowned Queen: Alice Perrers, Edward III and Political Crisis in Fourteenth-Century England, 1360-1377 (PhD Thesis, University of St Andrews, 2013)

[autistic-therian]

How did you find a Theriotype without shifts or feelings? I might be a Water Deer therian (I'm a polytherian!) but I haven't felt direct shifts. Occasionally I have a dream!

I'm still working on figuring out my exact theriotypes, so that question is sort of difficult to answer because, I haven't fully done that yet.

I get phantom sense quite often, usually tail wagging, which is what tipped me off to being canine, although I haven't narrowed it down beyond that.

Sometimes a lot of people will perceive me as a certain animal, and it's like they can see how I feel rather than what I look like. A lot of people at my college are convinced I'm "a raccoon in disguise" and honestly, yeah.

I've always felt nonhuman, and as polytherian myself sometimes it's difficult to tell different kintypes apart. I'm still working on setting more time aside to connect with my kintypes, although I've always subconsciously incorperated my therianthropy into my day-to-day. This helps me deal with things easier, I don't feel as suppressed as I used to, but it's also harder to separate out all the parts of me again. It's just all of me, a little bit, all the time.

I honestly couldn't tell you if I've ever shifted, there are so many things that I experience that have turned out to be due to my autism or adhd that I assumed to be universal experiences, so when it comes to therianthropy, I struggle to recognize things that not everyone feels.

I've masked my neurodivergency most of my life, and I've masked my non-humanness too, so any shifts I have had were likely beaten back with a stick lol. I'm still learning to accept and allow those things to come through and fully actualize for me, which is probably why I struggle to know my kintypes.

If you're looking for advice regarding figuring out your own kintypes, the best advice I can give is to learn about as many creatures as you can. Not every sign is going to be crystal clear, so having knowledge you can use to connect your experiences to a potential kintype will help heaps.

Putting yourself in nature and seeing what feels natural to do is another great way to start seeking answers. I usually get the urge to do quads, climb trees (especially to sleep in or wait for something pass by), and sneak around looking at the birds, which is what tipped me off that I'm some sort of feline.

I'm convinced being alterhuman is different for everyone, so some of these things may resonate with you, others might not. What's important is that you're not forcing anything or putting yourself in uncomfortable situations.

This was a great ask, and really thought provoking to answer, thank you!

Good luck and stay safe <3

~ Mangrove

[the-one-that-weeps]

i like ur words n thoughts. do more pls (if ur so inclined)

Hello! I'm so sorry I couldn't answer this sooner, I'm glad we're finally mutuals! I've heard many great things about you, it's a true honour!

Your wish is my command, I'll make sure my word smithing skills improve and develop in time :D

I heard you wanted me to specify more on the order of the characters in units, so I'll try to explain that a little bit!

Although I do consider the order of the units characters is exclusively chronological and these are just some instances of coincidence, I'm more than glad to explain:

The third characters in every unit are as follows: Honami, Airi, Akito, Nene and Ena. Their stories seem to gravitate towards validation.

The clear examples of this are the Shinonomes and Airi. Both Akito and Ena share a need to overcome obstacles on a treacherous path, they both suffer greatly over "not being enough" or "getting left behind by their teammates".

Airi is in a similar situation where she was left behind by other idols after she became a variety show idol. She quit the group after being called "average" (not good enough) by the manager.

Honami only ever wanted to not be hated by her peers. Chasing that validation, that "you're good enough", she basically erased her own wishes in order to be accepted.

And Nene is a little difficult, but let's remember she also struggles with self worth and could barely sing on a stage a year ago. She's also afraid she won't be good enough, she's also chasing validation and praise to become like her mentor.

The fourth characters in every unit (Rui and Toya being also the last ones to join in the main story) are as follows: Shiho, Shizuku, Toya, Rui and Mizuki. The theme that I believe connects them best is... Connection. Or, alternatively, reconnection.

Mizuki and Rui are quick to understand: they both have a past full of abandonment and ostracism. They eventually learn to reconnect with their unit and heal over time as well. They're also very tightly knit with the theme of understanding.

Toya's isn't as much about vbs as it is about music in general. Toya had a musical past outside of vbs, but his connection with music was twisted, it brought him pain. His theme isn't even "connection" as much as "reconnection", because Toya grows to love and cherish music again.

Shizuku also plays on this, she's been in an idol group prior to mmj, but she never connected with her teammates the way she did with mmj. Now, she isn't hated or despised anymore, she's not "just a pretty face" — she's herself, she's Shizuku, and Shizuku is the one to create bonds and connects.

And Shiho's is a story of loneliness too. Shiho is guilty for the Leoneed disbandment in the first place, and she almost makes them disband again in Resonating With You, too. She has a very hard time forging bonds with people and comes off as a loner, but she grows past that. She's still Shiho, of course, but she starts letting people in, embracing them, connecting with them.

If this theme doesn't suit your ocs in particular, the fourth characters also have a strong theme of "self" or "loneliness" to them! But that's more of a universal thing, i wouldn't dwell on it.

Anyhow, I hope this wasn't too messy and helped you! Thank you for your attention and becoming mutuals with me once again!

[beardedmrbean]

Bangladesh's parliament has been dissolved, a day after prime minister Sheikh Hasina was forced from power.

Ms Hasina resigned and fled the country after weeks of student-led protests spiralled into deadly unrest.

The dissolution of parliament, a key demand of protesters, paves the way for establishing an interim government.

Bangladeshis are waiting to see what comes next, as the country's military chief is holding talks with political leaders and protest organisers.

According to local media, more than 100 people died in violent clashes across Bangladesh on Monday, the single deadliest day since mass demonstrations began.

Hundreds of police stations were also torched, with the Bangladesh Police Service Association (BPSA) declaring a strike "until the security of every member of the police is secure".

The group also sought to place the blame at the door of authorities, saying they were "forced to fire".

Overall, more than 400 people are believed to have died, as protests were met with harsh repression by government forces.

The protests began in early July with peaceful demands from university students to abolish quotas in civil service jobs, but snowballed into a broader anti-government movement.

Weeks of unrest culminated in the storming of the prime minister's official residence, not long after Ms Hasina had fled to neighbouring India, ending nearly 15 years of rule.

Bangladeshi leaders are under pressure to establish an interim government to avoid a power vacuum that could lead to further clashes.

Within hours of her resignation, Bangladesh's army chief Gen Waker-uz-Zaman pledged that an interim administration would be formed, adding on state television that "it is time to stop the violence".

Student leaders have been clear they will not accept a military-led government, pushing for Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus to become the interim government's chief adviser.

Mr Yunus, who agreed to take up the role, said: “When the students who sacrificed so much are requesting me to step in at this difficult juncture, how can I refuse?”

He is returning to Dhaka from Paris, where he is undergoing a minor medical procedure, according to his spokesperson.

Meanwhile, ex-prime minister and key opposition leader Khaleda Zia was released from years of house arrest, a presidential statement said.

She chairs the Bangladesh Nationalist Party (BNP), which boycotted elections in 2014 and again in 2024, saying free and fair elections were not possible under Ms Hasina.

The BNP wanted the polls to be held under a neutral caretaker administration. This has now become a possibility after the departure of Ms Hasina, who had always rejected this demand.

Ms Zia, 78, served as prime minister of Bangladesh from 1991 to 1996, but was imprisoned in 2018 for corruption, although she said the charges were politically motivated.

She was not the only opposition figure to be released after years of detention.

Activist Ahmad Bin Quasem was also released from detention, according to his lawyer Michael Polak.

Rights groups say Mr Quasem was taken away by security forces in 2016, just one of hundreds of forced disappearances in the country under Ms Hasina's rule.

"There were many points during his detention that he was feared dead, and the uncertainty was one of the many tools of repression utilised by the regime," Mr Polak explained, adding they hoped the decision to release political prisoners "is a positive sign of their intentions".

"Unfortunately, the good news won’t be shared by all," he told the BBC, stating that a number of political prisoners had died in custody.

At least 20 other families of political prisoners gathered outside a military intelligence force building in the capital Dhaka earlier in the day, still desperately waiting for news about their loved ones, AFP news agency reports.

"We need answers," Sanjida Islam Tulee, a co-ordinator of Mayer Daak (The Call of the Mothers) campaign group, told the news agency.

Across the border in India, Foreign Minister S Jaishankar said he was "deeply concerned till law and order is visibly restored" in Bangladesh, with which India shares a 4,096-km (2,545-mile) border and has close economic and cultural ties.

He gave the first official confirmation that Ms Hasina made a request to travel to India at "very short notice" and "arrived yesterday evening in Delhi".

India also deployed additional troops along its border with Bangladesh.

"Our border guarding forces have also been instructed to be exceptionally alert in view of this complex situation," Mr Jaishankar said.

[jsprnt]

Healing Hearts PT.1 | Virgil van Dijk

Would a fresh start bring you more than just a new job?

WC: 806

Summary: Y/N L/N is a very skilled and praised physiotherapist. A certain event pushing her for a fresh start, as a physiotherapist for Liverpool FC. One question always being in the back of her mind: Will she be able to let go of her past and allow herself to experience new things?

I throw my blanket off of me for what feels like the millionth time these past two hours. Shifting on my new bed. These covers were expensive, though it seems like I won't be fully enjoying them tonight.

My head is full of thoughts, making up certain scenario's over and over again. I turn my phone on again it unlocks immediately, the Face ID somehow recognizing my horribly tired state. "Oh thanks I guess", I mumble, a little offended.

My fingers instinctively tap onto my e-mail, opening that one message again. 'We welcome you for your first day at Liverpool FC next Monday'. The words read, it still felt weird. It wasn't like I had no experience at new clubs, no I had quite a bit of that, despite my age.

I never specifically dreamt of becoming a physiotherapist growing up. I had fantasies about literally every profession. I had my vast collection of career Barbies to thank for that. Although, I did have a preference of studying medicine, accompanied with the delight of my parents, though our relationship had never been the best. That's just what I did. I had met a lot of people during that time of my life, including my best girlfriends. Couldn't have gone through all those sleepless study sessions without them.

I did some research before graduating high school. Looking at all the bachelor studies universities close to me had to offer. Then I realized physiotherapy was my calling. My last year internship was then, by the fate of the universe at AFC Ajax. Thankfully, it wasn't far from home at all. The connections, knowledge and memories I had built there still manages put a smile on my face when I think of them. I was so lucky to be able to experience that. When they offered me a three year contract after graduating I didn't hesitate to sign. Those three years had me build up so much knowledge and the mentors were amazing people to look up to.

That's unfortunately also how I met my ex Theodore (Yes, he was as snobby as his name), he was a supporter, sitting in the VIP chairs. I can't lie and say it wasn't love at first sight, our relationship progressed from there.

Years later an insane offer was presented to me when I was nearing the end of my contract at Ajax. FC Barcelona's head physio wanted me on his team! He had heard about my skills from people in the industry. After much consideration and discussions with my loved ones I decided to accept my new job at FC Barcelona.

To my surprise my ex had also decided to move with me. After all he was practically filthy rich, living off ofhis mommy's money. So, he wasn't bound to be somewhere for work or anything. I can't help but roll my eyes when I think of what that man-child put me through. The only positive thing about him was the connections I built at parties and gatherings he made me go to as his little picture perfect girlfriend. Ladies, only date a rich man once for the connections and money. Don't let it drag on for to long though, know when to get out before it gets too toxic.

My time at FC Barcelona was amazing, though I didn't feel that free with my boyfriend breathing down my neck at anything I did. I worked hard, the players and staff were amazing. I still talk to some of them today, a message here and there to check in on each other. When me and Theo finally broke up I decided to move away and quit working at Barcelona, it was a difficult decision with many players and staff trying to convince me to stay, but I had to. Just to feel fully separated from him.

That puts me here in Liverpool, laying restlessly in my bed at almost two in the morning. I glance outside my apartment, my curtains half drawn. Some of the city lights reflecting back onto the window glass. A smile replaces my previously anxious expression. Working hard and spending hard had its perks.

I turn my phone off, placing my head on my new not-yet-comfortable pillow, grabbing another one for comfort. My racing thoughts tire me out, my eyes fluttering shut, curious for what will happen tomorrow...

[pcttymcrlecu]

being a good man ✒︎ m.knies

summary: the next chapter of your relationship with Matthew is clearly going to be difficult but looking back at the previous chapters may be enlightening enough

featuring: matthew knies x gn!reader

word count: 2.1k

warnings: none

note: apart from wearing a camisole (which isn’t really anything) i don’t think there is anything that could imply that reader identifies as a specific gender so i’m tentatively putting this as gender neutral.

dedication: this sweet little one shot was written for elle (@gravestrain) for demi's summer fic exchange! i thoroughly hope you enjoy this - i will give you a little disclaimer and ask you exercise a little kindness/caution and read this all with a grain of salt, it's my first time writing for matty.

and a little side dedication to thank demi (@wyattjohnston) for hosting this awesome event.

You and Matthew had been talking about going on some kind of holiday over the summer. Something for just the both of you and to celebrate the fact that not only had he had his NHL debut in the playoffs no less, but also that you were on track to graduate in the major of your choice with a dream job prospect on the horizon.

You had both travelled with friends and their significant others before. You had also heard your friends speak highly of weekend trips and holidays they had been on with their significant others. Your little group of friends kept questioning if you and Matt would ever go on a trip alone, especially now that he was going off to play in the major league. Both of you had brushed off the thought of even doing it, deciding it would be a graduation thing, yet your plans were shifting. Something you had accepted when you agreed to date Matt; you knew that his goals were the NHL, and you supported him entirely. Coming in at a close second to his parents in being proud of him when he got signed for the playoffs.

You had met in your first year at university through a mutual friend, and even though you were sceptical about being friends with him, you put faith in your friend that they were friends with good people. And Matt was better than good people. You’d even go as far as to say he’s close to being one of the best people. 

Even though you were hesitant to even accept his invite to mini golf that one night after midterms. He had waited outside until your last midterm with a small box of chocolates and a handwritten note. Clearly, someone had helped him out. His sweet face was haunted with nerves, or maybe that was obvious from the fact he was pacing a hole into his shoes on the concrete. Or perhaps you knew he was riddled with insecurity because you’d been watching him for nearly five minutes as he furiously mumbled to himself a very obviously pre-planned speech to the point where he hadn’t noticed the rest of your classmates or yourself emerge from the building. 

When you had eventually interrupted his nervous rambling, he had barely managed to get the invite out. Still, you were happy when the words finally left his mouth. And you were happier with just the two of you that evening, getting to know one another. What made it better was that it didn’t end with just one dinner and plastic putts. Although he was busy not only with his studies but being part of the hockey team, he still managed to make time for you and growing your relationship. He was in this wholeheartedly, which made it so easy for you to fall in deep the way you did.

With all the changes in both your lives, you could barely stop to count what had changed and stayed the same. But with Matt’s professional career starting, you knew that it meant that even though he would be returning to Toronto, you still had classes waiting for you in Minnesota. This was somewhere you couldn’t follow him and cheer from the sidelines. Considering for the entire duration of your relationship, you’d always been in the same state, this was bound to be a big challenge for your relationship, and you wanted to set it up for success in any way you could. You had both planned to spend as much time as you could together before the new academic year and the NHL season began, and you would both suddenly have other responsibilities and less time to see one another.

You stayed in Minnesota after the spring semester had ended to spend some time with your family before spending the rest of your summer with Matt. You had gone on a family trip to Cancún, a trip which you’d taken many times when you were much younger but stopped around the same time you had started preparing for university. The reminder of one of your favourite childhood memories made you realise just how far you’d come. Your parents had called it an early graduation present, of which you had argued you still needed something to look forward to next year. They’d reminded you that even though you would always have their support and could always fall back on them when you needed it, your life was about to become everything you had been dreaming about and working towards for the last couple of years was finally all coming together.

Mexico had treated you well, but while you’d be lounging on the beach and exploring the city, the hot weather had demanded bare shoulders. Bare shoulders demanded more attention to sunblock reapplication, which slipped your mind in some afternoons at the pool and lunchtime picnics. The sensitivity of your shoulders and arms now and the dulling throb, whenever too much pressure touched you was the consequence of your enjoyment. Matt was a happy listener when you got downtown at night to speak with him;. However, he joked about it when you whined; the look of mild concern was ever present whenever the burns were mentioned.

It was only after returning to Matt after saying goodbye to your family at the airport and flying from Mexico to Arizona instead of home that the holiday conversation came up again. It was during, what had become, an average night since you’d been staying with the Knies family, with you and Matt making dinner together. Matt’s main responsibility whilst in the kitchen was helping you reach for things that caused too much grief to your still-healing burns. You couldn’t help but praise him for being such a good little sous chef for you. It wasn’t that he wasn’t great in the kitchen, he could do enough to keep himself fed, but you were sure you’d taught him a thing or two since he’d started actually helping instead of being a pro-taste tester as he had declared himself initially. Even if he didn’t take any of the recipes or skills to Canada with him, the time you spent together was so much more important to you.

The holiday suggestion (read: declaration) came as an offhanded mention that the flights were booked and all you had to do was pack your bags accordingly. Your hands momentarily stopped stirring the sauce, turning to face Matt where he stood by the counter, picking at the leftover cake you’d both baked the night before. His eyes weren’t even on you as he spoke, it wasn’t until your silence had clearly made him uncomfortable (maybe a little insecure), and it was then when he finally looked up at you as he threw a piece of cake into his mouth. His face had the same unsure look as it had been all those years ago. The little reminder of how you came to be in this very moment had your heart fluttering already.

“Stop snacking, you’ll ruin your appetite,” You chided as you took a breath and turned the stove down before turning around to fully face your boyfriend; wooden spoon pointed at him, “Pack my bags to … where?”

When the word Iceland came out, your face was a vision of surprise and confusion. You didn’t even have to ask before his slightly panicked but clearly excited rambles quickly flowed out his mouth. His words very softly trailed off as he simply motioned over to your bare shoulders where the small straps of your camisole exposed them; the slight sheen of the soothing cream and aloe he had demanded her help spread over them shining in the light. 

“Thought I’d spare you from blistering for all of the summer break,” He muttered, almost shyly, as he added the vegetable to the sauce as you had instructed him to before he had brought the trip up.

A gentle warmth filled your chest and washed over your cheeks at the thoughtfulness of your boyfriend. Quickly checking, the pan was still simmering away, and the vegetables were slowly cooking; you stepped over to him. Arms gently wrapped around him and giving him a firm squeeze when his arms reciprocated the action.

“When did you decide on Iceland?”

“Well, you’ve always wanted to go, and it just seemed like the right time,” The sheepish look on his face told you that there was definitely more to the story than just that, so you pulled away, resting back in his arms as you looked up at him with a slight raise of your brow, “I started looking around the first time you mentioned you’d got sunburnt.”

A light laugh left your mouth as you pulled his back towards you before pushing him away, gently squeezing his cheeks, “You’re precious,” You set yourself back up by the range, sorting out the sauce before taking it off the heat.

“How quiet you’re being is making me a little nervous here,” A wispy laugh left him, clearly riddled with nerves as he watched you start to plate everything up ready for dinner, “Mum helped plan it, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Oh Matty,” You cooed, looking back towards him with an adoring smile, “I’m not worried about anything – I’m just…trying to process.”

“Process?”

“No one’s ever done something so … elaborate for me before?” The words were uttered softly as you grabbed a handful of knives and forks and handed them over to him as you continued, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Perhaps ‘Yes, I’ll go with you.’ might work?” His suggestion only made you laugh again as you took him in. His forehead was slightly creased with an inkling of worry as his hand fiddled with the silverware you had placed in his hands. 

The domesticity of your entire situation filled you with joy, and the words that had left Matt’s mouth swirled in your head like a hurricane. His kindness and gentleness with you throughout your entire time together. How patient and considerate he was of you when you started dating, and you were still unsure, to how he made sure to always keep an eye out for you at parties when you weren’t 100% feeling the crowds, to simply wanting to make sure you not only enjoy your holiday but your health is his main concern.

You both stood in a slightly tense silence, mainly due to the anxiety starting to come off in waves from Matt. The memories of all the times Matt acknowledged you and the choices where he considered you. It was as if he had already decided you were going to be a constant part of his life even when you were still battling between your heart telling you it wanted to be with him and your brain telling you that being with him is not only going to be hard work, but it’s also going to be nothing more than heartbreak. 

And yet here you stand with your heart intact, fuller than you thought it could be. Not only had Matt made you whole entirely by yourself, but he had made you want to be more than whole. He’s made you want to walk through life holding his hand, knowing that if you stumble, he will catch you and be there to push you forward and get you safely to the other side. He’s made it clear that this is not something for him to pass the time, but his feelings for you run deep through his veins. No one has ever seen you in the way Matt has, and at every turn, he has made sure to not only tell you that you’re seen, but he always went the step further to show you that you’re seen. 

“Yes Matthew, I will join you on that plane,” Moving closer to him to place your hands and his cheek and gently caress the lines of worry that were starting to fade at your words, you smiled up at him once more, “Hell I’d join you anywhere you’d ask me to go.”

So maybe it was time to show him that you see him, and maybe him seeing you fall isn’t such a bad thing.

Because yes, Matt was definitively a great man but better than that, he was a good one.