#am i vagueposting about myself?

[not-spiders]

no don't act on your feelings scream about your homosexuality into the void that is the internet

[myvirtuesuncounted]

the thing about ttpd is that it isn't just some exposé on joe alwyn and an act to completely demonise him; taylor treats their former relationship with so much nuance and complexity, even in the moreso "attacking" songs about him. but i fear many swifties everywhere will focus on those moments and one-liners that target him and inflate them to turn him into some villain, when really, he's just someone who has so much shit going on that maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship especially with someone like taylor (i can say the same about taylor btw) and eventually, they were both more hurt in ways neither could help each other with, and i do think the album showcases that. this is definitely not some be-all end-all explanation i am giving because the situation is more complex than any of us can understand, so i am begging swifties to have some grace about this album.

[my-thirteenth-reason]

kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)

[shyspider]

I hope its not too weird of me to come out and say this but I hope you're doing okay. I've seen some of the things you've said and that you're not feeling yourself and I want you to know that its okay to take breaks and time to yourself. I hope you're putting yourself first........ and drink water.

I'm drinking black coffee straight from the pot - is that the same?

Okay but no seriously, I teared up some and of course I'm going to deflect with humor and say everything is just a struggle right now but I'll be okay. But I've been saying I'll be okay for months and I'm still trying to get out of this funk. I don't like getting personal and would rather suffer silently, but fuck it - new year. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone for a hot minute.

I'm grieving. No one died. Just the dynamics of a relationship changed, and it's affected me deeply. I AM putting myself first, and that's why it hurts. It's affected my writing (thank the muses I spent my hiatus finishing the fics so I have stuff to post) where I struggle to focus. I struggle answering comments with that ❤️ energy I like putting out in the world. I struggle with thinking about Transformers, because that person cultivated my love for them, and is deeply tied to it all.

I'm actively working towards healing. I'm determined to be okay, someday. I just hate that it might take a while. I'll still post regularly, but I'm sorry I haven't been putting out the positive vibes, lately.

[outeremissary]

Chaotic haters just jealous of our whimsical and uninhibited swag...

[multi-lefaiye]

but yeah something something like... i definitely support including content warnings as much as possible, even ones that might be particularly unusual, but it's equally important to consider the impact of listing certain things as warnings.

like that meme of "can you trigger tag lesbians" i've seen before. like... i don't mean this at all in an insulting way, but if any group of people simply existing causes you so much discomfort that you ask people to provide content warnings for their existence, whether in fiction or otherwise.... that's something you really need to unpack and work through. because that very *very* easily steers rapidly into outright bigotry, intentional or otherwise, and working through that discomfort is the first step to unlearning that sort of thing.

[daz4i]

if i may be slightly shady for a sec. you know the person in your fandom - there is always one of those in every fandom I've been in, i swear - that's just. so annoying to you. like they either post bad takes or they post good takes but in a condescending manner. and you don't wanna block them bc they're still like a, "big" person in the fandom, and many of your friends are friends with them or put them on your dash so you wanna keep things relatively chill and avoid possibly causing drama by doing so. but my god they are annoying. and sometimes it feels like they're shading your posts, too. do y'all have someone like that too

[girlyliondragon]

Looking at a situation that actually makes you go "Wow, I guess I AM better at handling this sort of thing than other people" is such a fucking ego-booster.

[13eyond13]

Are you okay? Some of your tags suggest that you are having a hard time, so I thought that maybe checking in might help. Sorry if I'm wrong.

Oh thanks, I am ok! I'm not sure which tags in particular. I find blogging about feelings therapeutic and also useful practice for me in articulating my feelings more (which was something I had a really hard time doing in the past because of being in toxic environments/relationships where expressing my own needs or feelings always either got me ridiculed or exploited or ignored). I don't mean to alarm people here though 😅 I try to take personal responsibility for my mental health and sometimes just like to vent or describe the things on my blog, I'm not necessarily making a cry for help as much as just trying to explain things to myself or to everybody else. But it's kind of you to care and thanks for checking 🧡

[innocent-until-proven-geeky]

i just think that maybe if your reason as a professionally diagnosed autistic person for hiding that diagnosis is that you don't like when other professionally diagnosed autistic people call something ableist... it's less that the thing itself isn't ableist and more that you probably have some internalized ableism to work through

[linafication]

on this fine morning I’m thinking about those two guys that one time

[mycological-mariner]

God didn’t give me strength I did all that on my own

All the same, though, I think I’ve earned enough credit to be given a 24-hour grace period

[quinnsaturn]

what is it about the age of like 12 that turns kids into fucking societal hazards. it cant just be puberty right

[rusted-phone-calls]

fear

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

A ramble on imposter syndrome and the accessibility of witchcraft

So, I’ve been thinking. I think a lot in case you haven’t noticed. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the major imposter syndrome I’ve been feeling lately in regards to this blog. TL;DR is at the bottom of this post.

People have been, occasionally, sending me asks requesting my opinion on things/how I do things/what I know about XYZ topic. If you are one of these people, I promise I’m not vagueposting about you in particular- in fact, I love these questions! They’re so fun to get and they actually make me sit and think sometimes, or even encourage me to write out something that I’ve been meaning to for my book of shadows. Genuinely, they're wonderful asks to receive. These questions have made me confront something, however; my blog is still small, but some people actually like what I write and value my opinion even if just a little. 

I feel like a mimic hiding in the witchcraft community. I feel like, were people to truly understand my experiences, they would want to “expose” me for knowing so little.

So I sat down with those feelings and turned it over in my head and I’ve come to a conclusion. The fact is, I don’t do research. At least- not what I think of when people talk about research. My "research" consists of the occasional rabbit hole I go down, one and two halves of different books I never finished under my belt, what I see scrolling through various social medias, and conversations I've had with other witches. I check to make sure I'm not stepping on the toes of any closed practices- in fact, that's what most of my energy goes to when it comes to research. This isn't a complaint; I'd much rather know that my craft isn't appropriative.

But I don’t know much about mythology, even that of the deities I work with. I don't even remember the holidays and what they're for. I thought Nyx was an Egyptian deity until like four months ago because I'd just heard her name in passing as a child and had never looked into the mythology... Even though I mainly work with the pantheon she belongs to. Y’all, I’ve done like three spells that I remember. My book of shadows is a messy disaster and I love it but it's got so little information in it, because I rarely write things down. Most resources (especially mythology resources) are academically worded or difficult to read for me personally, and all of these things feel like secrets I have to guard with my life because if I were to ever say them aloud, people would know I'm a fraud.

Today I've come to the conclusion that that is, in fact, absolute bullshit.

Maybe it's not, maybe this post will make some people really upset, but in my practice it's bullshit. All of the above is a result of my ADHD and the fact that I am nothing if not a hands-on learner. My craft is mostly my own experiences because that's how my whole life is; I learn by doing. My ideal learning style is sitting with another autistic person whose special interest is whatever I'm learning about and just talking for five hours, but if that's not something I can do, puzzling it out myself is the next best thing. That's what I've been doing ever since I felt had a basic foundation for my craft. Hell, even before I had a foundation I was putting my own experiences into my craft because "Well that rule just doesn't fucking vibe with me."

This post is mostly for me, but partially for anyone who feels similar. We are not broken or doing witchcraft/paganism wrong. We are simply what happens when the kid who could never do homework ends up practicing the "religion/spirituality that comes with homework." Witchcraft and paganism, in my experience, is far from accessible when it comes to the typical image of it. UPG is what makes it accessible. So yes, my practice is heavily UPG, and I don't do as much research as I think people have assumed. But I'm going to let go of the idea that I'm a fraud, because frankly I know enough about witchcraft to have supported my practice this whole time and my deities haven't smited me yet so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TL:DR:

Fuck the rules, I don't do much research. I've researched the "basics" and what I need to so I'm not stepping on any toes of closed practices, but people seem to think I know way more than I actually do. I've felt like I was lying this whole time but frankly witchcraft just isn't accessible to someone with my flavor of auDHD, so my craft relies heavily on UPG and I've decided that I'm not broken or wrong for that and neither is anyone else. I'm tired of seeing myself as an imposter just because I make my practice doable for me.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for having a mental breakdown over my extremely close friend (accidentally) posting (what I thought was) radfem propaganda?

(🧵🎤for finding later)

It’s a very long story and I’m gonna have so many mixed opinions on this, so buckle up broskies.

I(X, minor) had met 👑(F, at least 4 years older than me) 2 months ago after a close friend of her was exposed as a pedophile. Coincidentally, that same pedophile had spread lies about me being a sociopathic asshole a few months ago, so me and 👑 grew extremely close because of both the aforementioned pedo and also because we shared a favorite manga, and we quickly started talking everyday about our favorite characters from the manga.

Due to our close friendship, I educated 👑 about BPD (a disorder I myself have, this is important), genderfluidity, and radical feminism. And apparently, I should’ve educated 👑 a little more about radical feminism.

Also due to our close friendship, 👑 opened up to me about a traumatic experience she had with her stepdad. This triggered me slight flashbacks to an extremely nasty and messy fight I had with an ex last year, but I didn’t want to seem like I was victim blaming, so I kept my mouth shut.

2~ weeks ago, 👑 posted about the “Man or Bear” question, and chose bear. She also brought up the traumatic experience her stepdad inflicted on her in the tags.

(I personally believe the “Man or Bear” question is radfem propaganda because when women choose bear, they always bring up a traumatic experience a man inflicted on them in some way. To me this sounds like they are saying that all men are misogynists that want to see women suffer, which is obviously not the case.)

When I saw the post, I was quite pissed. Eventually, I saw it another time, and I started having a meltdown. I was actually crying, impulsively vagueposting about her and the post, and eventually when I had to go to sleep I angrily messaged 👑 telling her about the mental breakdown accompanied by a middle finger emoji.

When I woke up and checked my notifications, I saw that 👑 had messaged me 4 times saying she’s sorry, that she didn’t mean ill towards men and that she had deleted the post (which she did, but that did barely anything to comfort me). I, still extremely pissed at 👑, told her about how pissed I was, that I trusted her but now I can’t, and that she should fuck off. 👑 replied by asking if there was anything she could do to regain my trust, so I, in the mood to just make it known that I was extremely pissed, told 👑 to go harass a radfem. And she did.

Later that day, me and 👑 had an important conversation about what had happened. I explained to her that I was holding a grudge against her since she told me about her trauma because it reminded me of the fight between me and my ex, and that I thought she was slowly making her trauma her personality. She understood, and she apologized.

Me and 👑 are now in much better terms, but I am extremely scared that I ruined her opinion on me and that she dislikes me now because she’s an extremely close friend of mine and I had opened up to her about everything bad in my life, and I threw it all away because I didn’t want to be reminded over something that happened a year ago.

TLDR; I held a grudge against my therapist friend for opening up to me about her trauma because I got flashbacks to a fight with an ex, then had a meltdown when she posted about the Man or Bear question, and now I don’t know what to do about our friendship.