#shit did I use caps in my previous posts?

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

A ramble on imposter syndrome and the accessibility of witchcraft

So, I’ve been thinking. I think a lot in case you haven’t noticed. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the major imposter syndrome I’ve been feeling lately in regards to this blog. TL;DR is at the bottom of this post.

People have been, occasionally, sending me asks requesting my opinion on things/how I do things/what I know about XYZ topic. If you are one of these people, I promise I’m not vagueposting about you in particular- in fact, I love these questions! They’re so fun to get and they actually make me sit and think sometimes, or even encourage me to write out something that I’ve been meaning to for my book of shadows. Genuinely, they're wonderful asks to receive. These questions have made me confront something, however; my blog is still small, but some people actually like what I write and value my opinion even if just a little. 

I feel like a mimic hiding in the witchcraft community. I feel like, were people to truly understand my experiences, they would want to “expose” me for knowing so little.

So I sat down with those feelings and turned it over in my head and I’ve come to a conclusion. The fact is, I don’t do research. At least- not what I think of when people talk about research. My "research" consists of the occasional rabbit hole I go down, one and two halves of different books I never finished under my belt, what I see scrolling through various social medias, and conversations I've had with other witches. I check to make sure I'm not stepping on the toes of any closed practices- in fact, that's what most of my energy goes to when it comes to research. This isn't a complaint; I'd much rather know that my craft isn't appropriative.

But I don’t know much about mythology, even that of the deities I work with. I don't even remember the holidays and what they're for. I thought Nyx was an Egyptian deity until like four months ago because I'd just heard her name in passing as a child and had never looked into the mythology... Even though I mainly work with the pantheon she belongs to. Y’all, I’ve done like three spells that I remember. My book of shadows is a messy disaster and I love it but it's got so little information in it, because I rarely write things down. Most resources (especially mythology resources) are academically worded or difficult to read for me personally, and all of these things feel like secrets I have to guard with my life because if I were to ever say them aloud, people would know I'm a fraud.

Today I've come to the conclusion that that is, in fact, absolute bullshit.

Maybe it's not, maybe this post will make some people really upset, but in my practice it's bullshit. All of the above is a result of my ADHD and the fact that I am nothing if not a hands-on learner. My craft is mostly my own experiences because that's how my whole life is; I learn by doing. My ideal learning style is sitting with another autistic person whose special interest is whatever I'm learning about and just talking for five hours, but if that's not something I can do, puzzling it out myself is the next best thing. That's what I've been doing ever since I felt had a basic foundation for my craft. Hell, even before I had a foundation I was putting my own experiences into my craft because "Well that rule just doesn't fucking vibe with me."

This post is mostly for me, but partially for anyone who feels similar. We are not broken or doing witchcraft/paganism wrong. We are simply what happens when the kid who could never do homework ends up practicing the "religion/spirituality that comes with homework." Witchcraft and paganism, in my experience, is far from accessible when it comes to the typical image of it. UPG is what makes it accessible. So yes, my practice is heavily UPG, and I don't do as much research as I think people have assumed. But I'm going to let go of the idea that I'm a fraud, because frankly I know enough about witchcraft to have supported my practice this whole time and my deities haven't smited me yet so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TL:DR:

Fuck the rules, I don't do much research. I've researched the "basics" and what I need to so I'm not stepping on any toes of closed practices, but people seem to think I know way more than I actually do. I've felt like I was lying this whole time but frankly witchcraft just isn't accessible to someone with my flavor of auDHD, so my craft relies heavily on UPG and I've decided that I'm not broken or wrong for that and neither is anyone else. I'm tired of seeing myself as an imposter just because I make my practice doable for me.

[punkitt-is-here]

I went back, read the FAQ, figured out I was working with bad information, and would like to present an actually polite version of the previous ask.

The other women you were having the "AFAB trans woman" debate with haven't been able to let go of it,

because anons have been accusing them of gatekeeping and TERF politics for providing anecdotes of, basically, AFAB people identifying as trans women to mock or overthrow their social groups. Citations below:

https://strawberry-crocodile.tumblr.com/post/742523159739334656/aita-for-warning-new-transfem-friends-that-someone

https://necronatural.tumblr.com/post/754196456131428352/sorry-but-if-youre-afab-you-do-not-get-to-call

I understand that the brazen, all-caps-bold-text mockery of any ask on this topic is great for driving off hateful anons pointed at you,

but if you could lend some credit to @patricia-taxxon 's responses, for example, it'd help take some hate off her back and really hep build my respect for you as an artist.

This will be likely my last proper response on any of this so be chill about it

I really, genuinely do not care that much about this subject much at all. It is a passing thought to me. I made the original post, responded once or twice, and made a quesadilla. it was fucking delicious. I do not appreciate the way you have talked to me. If you're going to treat yourself like someone I have to earn the respect back of instead of a random stranger on the internet who was very brazen to me in a one-off inbox message, I am not going to care.

With that out of the way: I have read the citations you have listed. I do not care. I have read them, thoroughly considered their points, and I still do not give a shit. What you are pointing at here in the first one is an individual perpetrating shitty behavior. I am not saying that this is the case, but if there was an assigned-male-at-birth woman perpetrating the same information, it would become very apparent very quickly how obvious it is that the issue is not with their gender identity, it is with the information they are spreading. Anyone is capable of misinformation, and I am not going to shit on and belittle a completely niche gender identity because one woman on the internet fucked up one time. If I did that, I'd be a hypocrite and would not be practicing any sort of good faith towards people with gender identities I do not fully understand. This is a core tenant of how I approach queerness. I do not need to understand someone to respect them. I do not need to worry about how conservatives will see us. I do not need to worry about the larger queer community when one person is being off-putting. I am not a fucking square. I achieve a lot of inner peace by simply practicing what you have named "tits-and-beer gender liberalism".

The second post you have linked is also something that I have read. I have considered the points in said post. My stance has still not changed. I do not think ID'ing as a transfeminine person when you were assigned female at birth is an inherently transphobic concept. Plenty of people in my notes have described experiences that very clearly and understandably outline why they do or why others might identify with the concept. I fundamentally disagree with the response because I do not believe that it is a transphobic idea. I am a transgender woman and have been for about half a decade now. My relationship with femininity is complex, and I am a binary transgender woman. I think in the grand scheme of gender identities, switching from one binary to the other has been pretty easy for me mentally. I am not intersex, I have never detransitioned in any way, and my family has been incredibly supportive. I transitioned specifically for the euphoria I got from identifying as a woman. I still have a complicated relationship with womanhood. Someone who has gone through many more hardships than I have is probably going to have an even more complicated relationship with femininity, and that is why I have no trouble imagining why something like an AFAB trans woman would exist. Perhaps someone has a complicated relationship with gender in relation to their intersex status and feels that the journey that transgender women take more closely aligns with their own rather than cisgender womanhood. Perhaps they are non-binary and have still transitioned to a more feminine-leaning identity. Perhaps they have de-transitioned, but now they are irreversibly changed by that experience and they are, in a way of thinking, "trans-feminine" because they are transitioning back to femininity. It is not hard for me to think of reasons. It is not saying that trans women are not real women. I think it is very clear to me that "transfem" can easily describe an experience with femininity that differs from the cisgender experience. It is no less valid, it is simply different, as with all things.

"Transfem" can mean "a man transitioning into a woman", but it can also describe a complex approach towards self-identification. We can argue semantics all we want, but I do not care personally. I do not think transfem means transitioning from man to woman exclusively. I am a binary transgender woman, and I do not agree that that is all it is. My journey as a transgender individual has been very uncomplicated compared to others, but it is still an ocean deep. I do not want to reduce that journey and identification down to a simple "man become woman" because that betrays the inherent complexity of transitioning and figuring out yourself.

Ultimately, to me, it comes down to not giving a shit. I am rarely, if ever, going to meet an AFAB transfem person. You are rarely, if ever, going to meet an AFAB transfem person. It is an incredibly niche gender identity with a lot of baggage, as we have seen. It is never going to matter in the broad scheme of things that they exist because 99% of people are not going to bring them up in the wider conversation about transfemininity. I know that finding your identity can be a rough, arduous process. I am not going to deprive someone of the joy of self-discovery, even if it is a complex or contradictory idea. I do not fully understand neopronouns. I do not fully understand things like polyamory or he/him lesbians or AFAB transfems. I do not need to. In real life, you hang out with people and share food and good times together. None of this shit matters. If I am ever so lucky to meet someone with a contradictory or confusing identity, I am happy that my words may provide them comfort and that they won't live to hide themselves around me. Making someone feel like they have to hide parts of their self is the last thing I would ever want anyone to experience.

I have no beef with Patricia. I quite like her work. When I saw her response, I disagreed. I still do. I am not going to start agreeing with an idea I am expressly opposed to because someone asked. But it is not the end of the world. I would appreciate, if my followers are sending her harassment, that they fucking stop, because it's not that big a deal. If anyone from my post is sending anyone hate because of a public disagreement on that post, I ask you kindly to stop and go outside. I do not condone the behavior. It is not that big a deal.

I am going to go make myself a ham and egg sandwich and practice tits and beer gender liberalism now. I hope this satisfies your request in some way.

[mysticficti0n]

All my attention Part 4

warnings- swearing, drinking, sexual tension, romance, fighting?

words- 3.8k

If you'd like to read the previous parts → All my attention series

a/n- so if you're new here I am British and cannot speak any German, I speak a little French, Spanish and Italian but German- no. I also do not trust Google translate so this is gonna be like an avatar thing (if you've seen the newest one Jake says that their language just became normal or something along those lines) so in reality this is all in German, you as a reader know German but, its wrote in English... make sense? no... well, sorry this part has taken a while- I'm on holiday atm so I probably wont be posting till I'm home BUT I didn't want you to be without, also fucking thank you all so much for the response to the first and second part and now third! I can't believe the response to it, I could've cried because im a baby , love you all

(P.s- this one is shorter and shittier, I've not had much free time so this was written between 2 days- so I'm sorry I promise once I'm home they will get much better and saucy 😉)

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backstory- you are the 5th member of Tokio Hotel and you always thought the love was equally platonic between you and a certain guitarist... but what if that all changed?

"okay rock, paper, scissors who goes first" I smiled turning to him, we balled our fists up and chanted "rock, paper, scissors" Tom held rock and I was paper "YES!" I cheered

"yeah well done" Tom cooed dramatically, I looked around and Tom put his hands back onto my legs fiddling with my anklet I forgot I had on and finally something caught my eye

"eye spy with my little eye something beginning with C" I spoke seeing his eyes dart around the car and out the window

"case?" I shook my head "cigarets?... car?... cap?.... your erm.. cardigan!?" I laughed seeing him become annoyed so easily "how hard can it be... is it in here?"

"yes it is- all around us in fact" Tom's brown eyes widened at my words and he carried on looking

"crisps?... OH Carpet!" he finally called to which I clapped my hands "thats such a shit one" he moaned

"so why did it take you 6 try to get it Thomas?" I asked eyeing him slightly

"shut up- alright erm.. eye spy with my little eye... ah... something beginning with B" he smiled looking at me

"Books?... bottles?...bags?....Bill?.... bandage?... bracelets?... is it in or out?" Tom blew at my words

"sorry what? in or out?"

"yes in the car or out the car!?" he oh'ed at me with a smirk forming on his face

"in" with a nod I carried on looking, I couldn't see anything beginning with B and I began to give up "wanna another clue?"

"yes because I don't have a fucking idea" I grumbled

"its living" my eye squinted seeing Tom laugh at me

"no I give up what the fuck begins with B and is 'living'?!" I called slamming myself back into my seat

"bassist" he purred looking back at a sleeping Georg

"we're not playing eye spy anymore" I spoke turning away from him and looking out the window

"oh come on!" Tom pinched "I'll make it easier" I turned back and saw his eyes look softer, a pout forming on his lips "please" he whined

"can't we just spend time together?" I asked pouting like him

"go fuck yourself Y/n" the guitarist huffed shoving my legs off his lap "I wanna play a game!" angrily he crossed his arms like an annoyed toddler and sunk deeper into the chair, I sat up straight and leant towards him, close to the shell of his ear

"we can play when were home Tommy" I whispered gently to him, his posture became more stiff and he tucked his lip between his teeth, our eyes met and for a long moment we stayed still just staring

"is that a promise?" he spoke back giving me a shiver down my spine, a serious blush colouring my cheeks, I always try have the upper hand when we 'flirt' but I always melt at his words

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I woke up to the feeling of being unbuckled out my seat, my eyes parted to see a smiling black haired boy who was whispering something "oh you're awake, were home sleeping beauty" he let go and moved to be out the way, I looked out to see the sky a beautiful purple and pink then... my home

the orange brick and small patterns in-beaded in the concrete (this is what I'm basing it off, I know its says luxury but I just like the outside look of it! ) and the white windows, it was a refreshing sight, I saw all our bags outside the front door and I practically ran up, I passed Gustav who was looking at the flowers that bloomed around the drive, I opened the door and saw the hall I remember running down as a child and all the family pictures decorating the place "MOM! WERE HOME!" I called listening to where her voice would come from

"OKAY COME OUTSIDE, BRING THE BOYS!" she shouted back, I went and gathered the other 4 and brought them threw the house we all knew to well, we went right through and saw our families chatting and drinking wines, beer and small snacks were laid out "oh my darlings, how was your drive?"

"Long we got stuck for fucking ages" Bill cursed grabbing a beer "happy to be home" we all agreed and grabbed ourselves a beer, cheering them all together and taking a swig, I looked out to the garden seeing my sister in her little house playing with my dad and Gustav's and then our trampoline

"hold this" I spoke to Georg who grabbed my bottle, I took off down the garden and climbed onto the metal and started jumping seeing everyone watching me "Hi Stella!"

"Hi hi Baba!" she waved giving me a gummy smile as she watched me bounce up and down

"Y/N YOU'RE 17!" Simone called

'AND WHAT!" I shouted seeing her laugh, then Bill tapped his brothers shoulder and came down the steps to me and got on the trampoline, we bounced each other laughing as one went higher than the other, soon Gustav joined, then Tom and then finally Georg and soon we were making everything a competition "I CAN GET HIGHER!" I called as everyone jumped shooting me into the air "AHHH HOLY SHI-" I screamed as I came back down, we played crack the egg and alligator and gazelles but then my dad came and pulled us off

"we have guests, they've come to see you all- so behave and grow up will ya" he warned as we all rolled our eyes "ah- say it"

"yes sir" we all groaned walking back up into the house seeing our parents hugging someone "who is it?" Gustav asked grabbing his beer again

"dunno" Bill spoke trying to see over the group "looks like a women?" I thought to myself but came to no avail

"Y/n, Bill, Tom you remember Scarlett and her family right?" my mom asked bringing a women forward, she had dark brown hair and very fair skin, I looked to the twins who like me had no clue

"erm.. yea of course, Scarlett lovely to see you" Tom spoke first sticking his hand out with a fake smile

"oh Bill! look how grown up you are" she pulled the wrong twin into a hug

"oh no thats Bill, this is Tom" my mom laughed patting the taller twins shoulder

"oh I'm sorry boys- you look so similar!" I watched as the two eyed each other, with their totally opposite style that they've had since the late 90's you'd think people could differentiate the two

"ah yeah" Tom replied as the women hugged his brother

"and Y/n you look so different, what happened to your hair? and you have so many ear pricing! and you have boobs!" she chuckled giving me a hug

"yep- comes with being a girl" I spoke awkwardly "oh and this is Gustav and Georg" the lady waved to them to which the two smiled "how are you anyways" I asked trying to redirect the conversation

"good good, moved house, re-married left that cheating fucker I called my husband- 5th marriage now" Scarlett grinned making us go wide eyed "but you know, me and Benson and Zach, my youngest son who I don't think you've met tried to get tickets to your concerts, I remember how you 4 used to be amazing friends but obviously went different paths.. well actually- Benson doll come here, come say hi!" my eyes went to the two boys who shrugged not remembering a Benson, soon a tall-ish blonde boy with blue eyes stepped forward "no- get your brother- they don't know you" she hurried making me cringe slightly for the boy who frowned

"its alright if he's busy scar, they can say hello later" my mom smiled placing her hand on Toms arm

"no no- ah here you are, remember-"

"holy fuck" I spoke seeing the boy, well now man. Very tall, black haired, freckled faced, green eyed boy who I remembered being a awkward, snotty, weird little kid "ben?"

"Y/n god its been years" he spoke, his voice was deeper and rougher "Bill, Tom" he shook their hands and the two smiled remembering our old friend, he moved to me hugging me

"you've changed dude" Tom laughed staring at him

"I know, I thought I should make something of myself, I mean I look at you three and i'm shit compared" a snicker left my mouth and he joined in "yeah I mean, we all moved on right" he looked back at me and I saw his eyes travel along me and a smirk on his face "we all changed"

"ah-well erm... what are you doing now or?" Tom joined coming closer to me and putting an arm around my shoulder pretending to get comfy but I knew what he was doing "got a girlfriend?" I looked to the dreaded boy who didn't take his eyes of the other boy

"oh no no, can't be arsed with all the girl stuff, to much work I'd rather get my fair share, sorry Y/n- anyways, I'm an electrician.. don't want to bore you all so I'll let you go but erm, we should catch up so I can here all about your guys concerts" he looked back towards me

"yeah we should, maybe we could meet you at a bar?" I asked seeing the twins eyeing the boy again, Bill had a frown watching him

"ah well- they have their own lives I was thinking me and you? like a date maybe at my place?" I laughed slightly but Tom stepped in before I could even get a word out

"yeah she has her own life too but we have to relax for a while, we've been on tour and we have a radio show thing tomorrow night- thats our life so..." I saw Bill laugh

"basically were saying you're not putting your cock in her Ben- you're still as weird as you when we were kids" the other twin spat getting a glare from Ben and his mother who stood looking at Bill with a lopsided smile

"I think Y/n can speak for herself" she quipped making me roll my eyes

"look its nice n all, and you're a very.. nice guy but you kinda ruined it by saying having a date at yours, I've traveled all over and I know I maybe a girl but I'm not stupid- were not gonna fuck" with a huff he went to turn away

"its fine, id rather not be known for sleeping with the chubby slut side singer from a band sad fuckers listen to anyways" my jaw dropped, who the fuck did he think he was talking to?

"watch your fucking mouth" I spoke seeing the families turn to look at me, he smiled looking down at me "don't fucking smile at me because I'll carve you into the floor you dick" I hissed shoving him away as he tried to step forwards attempting to intimidate me

"okay calm down sugar" at that I felt the arm that was around me go and Tom was over the boy pushing him back

"TOM!" his mom called "BILL GET YOUR BROTHER!" he 'tried' pulling his brother off but he was enjoying this, Bill loved drama "Gordon grab him" she spoke shoving her boyfriend at Tom. The boys step dad grabbed him away and Tom shouted a few words back at him

"DON'T FUCKING TRY- YOU WONT DO SHIT" Tom roared trying to push off Gordon who was holding his shoulders talking to him to get him away, my mom was ushering us away, our fathers stood watching cheering on Tom, not helping the situation getting angered stares from the women

We watched as Scarlett went out shouting things to her son and waving my mother bye, with a breath it was time to face the words of our mothers "what was that for!" my mom Angelica spoke with a growl

"mom it wasn't Toms fault" I began seeing her shake her head "he was trying to get me to fuck him, they were sticking up for me"

"Tom, Bill Is this true?" Tom nodded taking a sip of his beer

"then he called her chubby and a slut! like come on Angie in makes sense why" Bill added and my moms eyes shot up

"what!" Simone spoke standing from her seat "that bitch" my mom shot her a look and she sat back down

"well Tom, you two as well, I understand why it happened. carry on" we nodded and walked to Georg and Gustav who were laughing

"had fun?" Gustav shoved his friend

"fuck off" Tom whispered staring out to the garden

"I think I'm going to change" the boys nodded and I lifted my drink and made my way up stairs to my room tabled 'my little sunshine' the sticker had been on there since I was born- It was a nickname only my mom called me and I knew if she didn't say it I was in a lot of shit. I looked in the mirror and saw in the reflection the large poster of Tokio Hotel I had above my make-up desk, It was us doing our 'signature' pose pointing to the camera with our bad bitch faces on as Bill said. I took off my shirt leaving me in my baggy jeans and a bra with lace curling around it, I walked to my window which looked over the back garden and watched as the boys were now playing with Stella, it looked like they were having a tea party of sorts which made me smile, I loved how they treated Stella like their sister too

"Y/n can I come in?" a voice startled me as his face appeared around the door

"fuck, yeah come in, I thought you were outside still" I laughed seeing Tom but his face didn't copy mine- he was still angry, he perched on my bed looking around the room "I think I might redecorate its little, dated" he nodded but his eyes went back to me

"I'm sorry" I furrowed my eyebrows

"for what?, you were sticking up for me I'm not going to be like 'ugh Tom how dare you!' am I?" a small smile cracked on his lips

"I keep being really... over the top I guess, like say you did actually like Ben and I just acted like that?" I rolled my eyes sitting myself next to him placing my hand on his knee

"I would've told you to back off- so don't worry" his eyes drifted to mine and turned softer, I moved my hand to his jaw and let my thumb caress his cheek "and I like you being protective over me, so you're fine"

"you're to good to me" he spoke watching me closely "and I could be a lot more protective of you, if thats what you like" his voice was a sultry whisper, I neatly melted to his words, I think he realised when he chuckled deeply causing me to just shudder, our foreheads knocked onto each others, our lips brushing each others

"okay pretty boy- lemme change" Tom's face lit up slightly with a blush but he sighed laying back on my bed covering his eyes "fine" I accepted he wasn't going to leave which in reality didn't effect me, I got changed infront of him a lot so quickly I pulled out a black tube top, my zip up hoody and sprayed myself with my 'can can' spray

"that smells good" he stood up coming to stand behind me, arms circling my waist "remember what you said earlier?" he spoke in my ear pressing a small kiss to my jaw

"I do, but people will be wondering why you've got a boner so... and you can't really say its from your best friend because she's so sexy and turns you on beyond any other girl in the universe can you?" I smiled turning to him, I knew I was torchering him "and then everyone will know you have a crush on me, because I'm so perfect"

"you play a hard game Y/l/n" I grinned turning myself in his arm so his hand was on my back "literally"

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the moon rose into the sky, Stella was in bed and we were all sat around a small fire the dad's made, my mom and Gustav's mom were making cocktails in the kitchen while Georg and the twins mom chatted while sipping on some wine from earlier, leave us five talking about our shows

"I think we could be more extravagant" Bill spoke "more lights and make the ground shake uno?"

"yeah I want to be deaf at the end" Gustav added taking a bite of a sandwich

"maybe we should try traveling more with tour? like going to America and England, Mexico" I asked cuddling into the blanket we had

"hot chicks in England" Georg added cheersing Tom with their beer "and guys for you" we all laughed and soon Gustav's mom came out with a tray of drinks, 5 cocktails and 5 shots, followed by my dad holding a camera

"we are calling these 'Tokio Hotel martini'!" she called handing us glasses full of a purple liquid "its 3 ounces gin, ½ ounce maraschino liqueur, ½ ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice, ¼ ounce crème de violette, ice and Cocktail cherry for garnish!" she smiled "and here's some vodka" a laugh left our lips as we all quickly grabbed one "enjoy!" we all tapped the shots twice onto the table and knocked them back and quickly chased it with the 'Tokio hotel martini' which was delicious to say the least

"mom these are amazing" Gustav hummed "thank you" we all spoke together

"you can tell they're our children" Simone began wrapping a arm around my mom "little shits" she smiled

"thanks mom" Bill grinned

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The night turned into just everyone relaxing, Georg and Bill went up into the spare room and to sleep, Gustav was playing pool with the dads while me and Tom sat with our moms and drank different alcohol that was set out, I was sat leaning on the arm of the chair and my legs over Tom who was stroking them without a thought

"what times that interview thing?" Alexia Georg's mom asked tapping me on the shoulder

"erm... I'm not sure- Tom what time is the-" he looked over answering before I could finish

"starts at 6" he went back to his conversation and Alexia only giggled

"6 then, how come?"

"well we were thinking of booking a meal, as like a celebration and inviting all the grandparents because they've missed you all, so you think it would be done for 9?" I nodded seeing her walk into he house and pull the phone off the hook, I turned back to the dreadlocked boy and just found myself staring at him, just the way he looked while in a serious conversation but then a smile appearing on his face when a joke was made, the way he held me like I was his but I knew it was just a platonic sort of thing, we'd never done anything besides kiss, I knew I'd never be his- I wasn't going to be mad if he did find girls I mean come on its Tom Kaulitz he could get any girl, I was just lucky we were so close anyways, all I knew is that he liked making out with me and occasionally I looked pretty to him

"thats what I said to Y/n, because we want one...yeah what do you think?- Y/n" I was snapped out my trance by him shaking my leg gently

"sorry what was that?" I asked bring myself to the conversation

"getting a tattoo" my mouth made a 'O' shape and nodded

"yes oh my god I want so many but we want one for the band" Tom nodded looking back to the women "and I want to get some more piercings, like the middle of my lip and nose" my mother shook her head

"why your nose! its so cute" Bella Gustav's mom joined "'the lip will look badass though" I smiled seeing my mom sigh at her friend not being very helpful "what! come on Angelica lighten up"

"you'll love it mom!" she nodded rolling her eyes

"well its getting late- I think you two and Gus should go up to bed, its already.. fuck 12:30, Yes bed" She began pulling me and Tom up and calling Gustav over, we hugged and kissed everyone goodnight and made our way into our rooms, Gustav walked in and just fell onto the air mattress on the floor, I looked to see Georg and Bill sharing the bed, Bill had stolen most the blanket as usual so being the good friend I am I went and grabbed an extra blanket for the bassist and placed it over him

"let me walk you to your room" Tom whispered grabbing my hand and pulling me down the corridor into my bedroom, the room was dim but I could make out where he was and the smirk along his lips "I saw you staring at me" I tried to avoid his eyes "oh so you wont look at me now huh?" he pushed and I stayed silent, embarrassed of how he saw me, his fingers curled under my chin and pulled my face to meet his which looked softer "you're okay Y/n" Tom pulled me closer which I didn't even know was possible, my heart began beating quickly, it felt as if it could leap out of my chest at any moment. Our eyes met for a brief moment again before he leaned in and pressed his lips gently to mine. In that moment, time seemed to stand still as I melted into his embrace. Every inch of my body was on fire as I smiled feeling his breath on me, the kiss felt different, and had more meaning then the ones before "fu-fuck you're so beautiful" he hummed. Together we stumbled to my bed where he fell below me, I crawled to be closer to him, Tom's hands searching my body but quickly finding themselves comfy on my waist, I held his face between my hands, smoothing his skin with my thumbs. we parted with dopey smiles smothering our faces, lips pursed and eyes open only slightly "actually I prefer looking at you from down here"

"oh yeah- bet you do" I laughed feeling him sit me on his hips which a small yelp left my mouth "sorry" the guitarist only grinned moving his hands onto my thighs with a sigh "what?" I asked

"what are we?" a question I had actually wondered a lot about "I know what I'd like to be"

"and whats that?" I spoke leaning closer to him, letting the smell of his cologne and beer fill my nose

"yours"

[look-at-the-soul]

Save yourself- Tommy Shelby x reader

So ages agooooo @runnning-outof-time posted a Kaleo song that I kept listening to over and over again, then @shelbydelrey made a cheating theme celebration 🎉 and I had been working since forever in both ideas but something was missing… until I decided to mix it and this came as the result.

K, I hope you like the result of using this particular song (Idk what idea you had in mind for it), but it gave me these vibes.💖

Isa, I couldn’t decide how to approach this particular theme, but Tommy cheating seemed to come to life by itself… and I hope it’s not too late to celebrate you 💕

⚠️ Cheating, angst

Y/N removed the hat as she walked into the House of Watery Lane, feeling so much better than the previous night, she had to leave the Grand re-opening of The Garrison early after feeling unwell, but after some tea and crackers, the only food her stomach seemed to accept. Polly offered her house because it was closer and she didn’t want to disturb anyone or ruin the fun for them, Ada was finally visiting them, Arthur was the happiest she had seen him in a long time, proud of the new and flashy decoration, and Tommy… well he just was enjoying himself to take him back home just because she was tired and nauseous.

Opening the door, she found a scene she never wanted to see; Tommy, her Tommy in bed with not one, but two women.

It weighs heavier on one's heart

I could tell right from the start that sweet ones are hard to come across

Her heart stopped beating for an instant, while the realization was sinking in… there was an indescribable ache, so hard to breathe… imagining his arms around them, giving those women the same pleasure he gave her endless nights.

He was just as shocked as she was, and quickly he tried to get up, untangling himself from them, shit, what did he do? Y/N didn’t deserved that. As she felt her stomach up in her throat, she couldn’t watch them anymore.

Snapping fast from her trance, she found herself turning around, strangely calmed, a realization hitting her like a bullet, heartbeat now drumming against her ribs, her fingers felt numb, clumsy, as if she had a big cloud inside her head.

She wasn’t going to make a huge drama out of it, she wouldn’t ask for explanations, she didn’t feel like listening to lame excuses to justify his actions. No, she walked out of there in silence, with her heart shattered into million pieces, yes, but she would get over it, just like she had been all of her life.

Tommy rushed to get dressed, shouting for her to wait, he would ask for forgiveness, beg on his knees, tell her it was just a mistake. Fumbling with his pants, he picked up his peaky cap from the floor, breaking an empty bottle of whiskey as he stumbled. Trying hard to tuck in his shirt inside of his pants, but she was gone already. She was the best thing of his fucking life and he ruined.

Heart like yours is rare to find

Someone else's gain will be my loss

Revenge could come in different forms, she could’ve steal all the money from the safe in their room or the one in his office, fuck him over, force him to buy her expensive presents to make it up for it all, she could fuck anyone right there in front of him just to give him back what he did. Anyone would suggest make him pay, make him beg and watch him suffer…

But she wasn’t going to make an scandal. No, her reaction was much lethal than that.

She would leave in silence, without tears, without shouting, no pointing fingers.

He turned out to be just like his father, she knew that would kill him, the comparison.

Choose your words before you speak

Can you see that all you've got is time?

Tommy rushed down the street cursing at himself, feeling the worse headache forming and found her in their bedroom, a single travel bag over the bed, she was calmly folding her clothes.

Just as she packed their bags to go to their country house.

“Y/N please.” Tommy pleaded desperate.

His words meant nothing now, all of those empty promises, the dreams they had together… gone.

Seeing her like that was worse than hear her shouting, breaking things, yelling at him. That would’ve been the expected reaction after what she saw. But she wasn’t even crying or hitting him, he deserved that.

He’d have preferred that, a million slaps than this.

She took a moment to check her belongings and walked towards the dresser to retrieve her passport and important papers. She arrived to this house with just a few things and she would leave just about the same.

“Y/N… nothing I could say could repair what I did, but I swear it meant nothing, it was a mistake, I was so drunk…” she wasn’t even listening to him anymore, it was just a buzz in the back of her mind. “I lost control…” he drank a lot, mixed it with an obscene amount of snow, didn’t even realize…fuck.

Walking into the nursery, she went directly to the first drawer and carefully, took a blanket that Polly knitted for the baby, the nappies and the rabbit that Ada bought for their unborn child. Yeah, she really didn’t need all those expensive gifts he gave her.

“I’ll go somewhere else, you can stay here I won’t bother you,” Tommy kept babbling while she walked past him, back into the bedroom they once shared.

Still in complete silence.

He knew Y/N better than the palm of his hand, he knew he should stay away right now, but he needed her to stop packing, this silent treatment only added more worry and stress to his already altered heart.

And that was the only time she dared to look at him in the eyes, making him wish she never did. Shoving away his hand from her body as he tried to reach her.

Tommy deserved a slap, deserved to have his balls cut, but she wasn’t going to lose time in that.

He started to see white dots when Y/N closed the bag, it wasn’t completely full yet and she seemed to be done.

And not just with the bag, but with him as well.

Tommy rubbed his hands all over his face, lost for words, feeling his entire world coming to an imminent end. It didn’t matter that he was stronger than her, in that very moment he felt so small, so useless, knowing that nothing he did, would make her change her mind.

But he tried, he tried to grab the bag from her hands as she stood at the top of the stairs, still begging for forgiveness.

“Fine, I don’t need that either.” She wasn’t even going to try to fight him over the bag, especially not close to the stairs, she just wanted to leave.

She knew she deserved better, not because she was someone important, but because she knew her value and she wanted respect, simple as that. Birmingham could be his territory, but he wasn’t her owner.

“No no, Y/N, listen to me please…” he rushed down, to stop her from opening the door.

But she was determined to leave, with or without the bag, of course that wasn’t going to stop her.

Before she met him, she had several wooers, with better intentions than him, but he was determined to make her fall for him, and that was the greatest mistake of her life.

Oh darling, save yourself for someone else

“We’ve a story together, Y/N, please…”

Save yourself

Oh, won't you save yourself?

“You can’t take away my child!” He snapped breathlessly, panicking because he was running out of time, of reasons to make her stay.

Are you going to break?

The look Y/N gave him, could’ve easily turned him into stone, a sarcastic smile playing in her lips.

“Now it’s a good time to remember you have a baby on the way, should’ve think of that last night, don’t you think?”

Y/N ripped the bag from his hand.

It would be just her baby and herself, away from this life, away from the risks, away from his lies.

She was unsure of a lot of things, but there was one around her mind in that very moment, sometimes you need to save yourself.

The worst part of it, was that Tommy knew deep down, that Y/N would be better off without him.

***

Master list

As usual, your thoughts are my favorite part 💕

Tag list: @lyarr24 @runnning-outof-time @cillmequick @gypsy-girl-08 @datewithgianni @cloudofdisney @ange-thoughts @gretelshelby @lespendy @onlydeadcells @fastfan @stevie75 @prettylittlehoneyeyesxoxo @esposadomd @strayrockette @forbidden-forest-witch @elenavampire21 @forgottenpeakywriter @zablife @peakyscillian @moral-terpitude @babaohhhriley @shelbydelrey @shaddixlife @sloanexx @cilliansangel @rangerelik

[papaver-decervicatus]

Cat/Mouse/Den: Pt. 4, Mus Urbanus

Fatal attraction is one thing but stuck on a stakeout, a certain little mouse decides to push her luck with the cat who's been chasing her... just how far is too far, and how much more can they take?

CW: Obsession, stalking, canon typical violence, intrusive thoughts, unsanitary wound care

Authors Note: Hahaha, remember how I said I was going to do shorter updates? Yeah well, I felt really bad for missing the previous week but I did have a lot of terrible IRL shit happen, so working through that was a priority. That being said, going back through all the amazing comments and everything everyone has written has been absolutely keeping me afloat! Thank you all so so so so so much, you will never know how much it all means to me.

There are a couple of Hannibal references in this part that, hopefully, will start to make sense by the last part of the story (which was, coincidentally, the first part written!) Not going to lie, I am just glad to publish this so I never have to think about this damned part again as I have been stuck on in for literal months. Also sorry if Soap's accent sucks, the only experience I have with anything remotely Scottish in the way of language tendency is my grandmother whose father was a Scottish immigrant and that's it.

Anyways, I hope you like agnst and interrogation scenes, because next week, König loses his faith in god and in mouse while tied to a chair! See you there!

❣️Cura ut Veleas ~ Caedis 🥀

PREV | Pt. 4 Mus Urbanus | 4.2k words | Mouse POV | NEXT

“Mouse?” A voice from in front of her calls out, but only after she deliberately drags her feet into the threshold of the neutral ground, alerting him of her presence. 

“Quiet as a.” She utters her usual response, stepping into the little flat in Buenos Aries, Argentina. She hears the smile as Soap sucks in a breath at her little joke. Her callback should be old by now, shouldn’t make him smile anymore, but he does anyway. He’s easy to get along with, something hard to come by in war. She crosses the minimal space between the two and takes stock of his little setup. 

For a mission, it’s luxurious. He’s sitting, in a chair might she add, with a scope poking barely out of an antique window on the 7th floor of an apartment building, looking into a busy market square. His arms rest on a table littered with little signs of life, a map of the area adorned with notes and coordinates in inexpensive ink, no less than 7 pens whose caps are chewed through (everyone’s got bad habits but this little sin of his drives poor Price up and down the goddamn wall), two disposable cups with sediment rings denoting how much instant coffee was drunk from them at a time before they returned to their places besides their drinker. Most notably, however, are two radios in a strange moment of near fornication– backs ripped open and wires crossed in an almost pornographic display of field ingenuity. 

Damn demolition specialists, she hears the echo of Gaz say in her head and she absentmindedly rubs the scabbed over cut on her left hand where the shrapnel of a certain someone’s frag grenade got her two weeks ago. She wants to be mad but-

“Hear any good ones, lately?” Soap turns to her, he’s disengaging from his post, changing his guard for her to take his spot, just as command ordered. He’s been in this little nest for about 6 hours and she can feel his desire to scuttle and tinker about radiating off of him. As he takes apart his gun, already aware and familiar that she refuses to use anyone’s but her own, his eyes shine to life. The color of sky blue permafrost, yet they radiate a certain lived-in warmth impossible to distance yourself from. Eyes almost like-

She bites her tongue at the thought. Bad time to be thinking about König… she mourns. But, speaking of the man.

“Yes, but it’s bad,” she offers, in fake warning as she sheds her outer jacket before moving to unhook the case that stands between her and the assembly of her gun. She knows the warning will only intrigue the poor pyrotechnic more. 

His smile is nothing short of sadistic as he raises an eyebrow.

“No, like, really bad,” she emphasizes, throwing a pleading look his way. His grin gets even more shit-eating-er if that sort of thing were even possible. “I mean it, MacTavish. Pass it along to your long-suffering Lieutenant, and you will be picking teeth out of your shit.” “I’m sure I’ve done worse to Ghost,” he supplies, rolling his shoulders. Yeah, I’m sure you have, she thinks but is much too self-preserving to say, especially aware that the Frankenstien’s monster of a radio he’s resurrected from two dead circuit boards is likely not secure enough to promise any real privacy. She would rather not alert Simon Riley that she’s become a dealer in his and Soap’s arm’s race of terrible jokes. He does not take prisoners, after all… 

“Alright, alright, just don’t tell him it’s from me,” she smiles, putting her hands up defensively in a quick jest. “Okay, play along with me now,” he nods along as he steps away from the perch and lets her take his spot at the table. 

“So, what's the difference between a piano, a fish, and a gluestick?”

“I know about two-thirds o’ this one.” 

Mouse trap baited. She smiles.

“Give it a go, then.” She wiggles in the chair, pressing her cheek to the crux of the sight and its metal holder. She sighs into the familiar feeling of control that settles into her bones as she hunches over.

“Can tuna piano but’cha can’t tuna fish?” He supplies, half teasing her already.

“Yep, but you’re forgetting something.” She sighs and goes to fiddle with the red-light optics extension, Command is confident enough in her abilities that she was specifically told to take it off for this one. She hears Soap whisper a quiet ‘oh shite’ behind her when he realizes he probably forgot to himself and she laughs a little. 

“What about the glue?”

Mouse trap set. Poor Soap, always getting himself into ambushes…

She smiles wide and hums remembering how excited her kitty-cat was to tell her this part. 

“See, I knew you’d get stuck on that one.” 

Mouse trap sprung. A moment of silence.

“Oh fuck me, that one is bad.” Soap chokes out a hearty laugh as he collects his discarded coffee cups from her side.

“No thanks,” she purrs as she finally sets herself into position. “Use it at your discretion, soldier.”

“Aye, that I will.” 

Soap goes to rummage through the kitchenette to her right and she takes the moment she lacks supervision to indulge herself. She does not move her sights to alert the man with her of the wandering of her eyes, instead, she scans windows and alleys without visual aid. The stale air threatens to choke her as she rakes over the golden-hued morning scene with desperate efficiency. 

After what feels like an eternity of stolen glances switching between her targeted area and anywhere he may be, she sees him. 

Technically, she has no way to know for certain that it’s König, she doesn’t have his usual wave or cheeky grin (affectionately referred to as a Cheshire Cat Smile in her own belabored heart) to alert her to his presence. That being considered, there is a masculine figure barely peeking out of a window into an alleyway who is just shy of 7 feet tall and his face is covered. Yeah, probably König. She smiles despite herself and her company. She wonders if he has radio access to her little hideout. 

(She remembers the seemingly endless weeks of his arrival to her perch. The early morning light hits the streets the same way it had hit the forest ground that day. Like a fairy tale prince, beseeching a princess on hand and knee, he would always somehow appear in her sights, nearly as though it was just meant to be! 

His form stands out tall and proud from its surroundings and she recounts every single reason he should not be here. By the third time their eyes caught she’d decided he was doing it on purpose, but she never let him get away with it without some acknowledgment on her side. She can only imagine that if she’s getting hunted for sport, her calling out his position will, at least temporarily, halt his advance. 

But by this rate, she’ll be in his mouth by the end of the year. 

His eyes are cold and bloodshot red. Painted tears lick their way down the hood she’s never seen him without, possibly a feeble attempt at impersonality? Maybe if he looks enough like a monster people will just trust their first assumption and leave him alone. But she’s never been one to judge a book by its cover…

“I see you, König.” She warns out to him. He stills among the foliage, bathed in sweet-honey-like warmth from the rising sun. He does not shy away from his imminent death on the business end of her rifle, of course not! Instead, he raises his chest proudly, seemingly aware that the loneliness in her yields to whatever greater magnetism the loneliness in him commands. He’s an enigma, it bothers her that of all the people to put the effort into finding her, it has to be him. Mostly she curses herself for promising him a next time all those encounters ago, if she’d known what sort of a game it would inspire in the predator stalking her like prey despite her flipping sniper rifle, she never would have said a thing. 

He may be in her scope, but he’s got her under a finer microscope to seek her out so faithfully. She wishes she got this sort of dizzying devotion from someone, anyone else. It is the third day this week he has found her.

What she expects to happen is what has happened for weeks now, 1) he hears her transmission, 2) he smiles at her as a predator smiles at pray, his eyes find hers and her hackles rise in utter terror, and 3) he hums to himself and turns away, self-satisfied enough to have won hide-and-seek for the time being.

That does not happen. 

Instead, König sits down, right where he is, and pulls out that monster of a knife he keeps strapped to himself. He throws it up and catches it without looking at it, instead his eyes are laser-focused on Mouse. This is, of course, despite the fact he should have no earthly idea where she is. He plays with his knife idly for what must be an hour, but she does not- no, can not- look away from him.

She remembers her trigger finger twitching with sinful power, she remembers choking back the insistence at killing another lonely person, devoid of their autonomy on a basic level when they signed up for a mercenary-issued ticket to hell.

She remembers hopelessness. She remembers refusal. She remembers the smile reaching his eyes when she played along with his joke. 

“Why don’t rats like cats?” Her radio labors out. 

She half forgot what his voice sounded like, surprisingly excitable and shrill for a man of his stature. Her brain stutters around the implication of the only words she’s heard him say to her since the fateful ravine that gained Mouse her own personal 6’10” shadow. 

She blinks a few times in surprise, genuinely pondering if her long hours hiking through the woods have made her susceptible to hallucination and general hysteria. She is not thinking when she timidly responds-

“Why?” 

“Because they are weapons of maus-destruction.” Konig replies like it’s not the stupidest thing she’s ever heard in her goddamn life. Perhaps it's pity at the memory of his discomfort around his comrades. Of the thought of the way he tries to make his body so small when around others (truly an impossible task he routinely fails.) Maybe it’s irrational fear, twofold and buried in her instinct to shoot despite the clear disadvantage on his behalf and her insistence that she does not do her damn job, or fear of the inhuman man in front of her stalking her through the woods. Or it could be discomfort, no one ever prepared her for dealing with whatever the fuck this is in basic training or field school. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what it is.

In the sparkling, decadent light of a sunrise, her heart hammers in her throat at the first joke he’d told her, in some strange and desperate attempt to fill the meters of silence between them.

She laughs. 

And he hears it.

And with his wide stance, his ghastly executioner’s hood in the place of a crown, and his knife back in its holster- his beautiful eyes seem to smile. Suddenly, his eyes look lived in, like someone has just put up new curtains in an abandoned house. His whole affect changes hinging on what was an irresponsible outburst on her behalf at best.

And for the first time, she does not fear a monster hunting her through the woods, silent and purposeful in his pursuit of prey. Instead, she wants to understand a man, whose eyes have lit up like a princess has just laughed when he kissed her hand.) 

Soap wanders back into her small perch with two cups of coffee and sets one down next to her. She takes a quick glance and hums with appreciation. He takes another sip out of his and she remembers that they’re supposed to share shift for about an hour before his rotation ends.

“You treat all your girls to coffee in the morning?” She quips.

“Only the pretty ones,” he returns with an effortless charisma and her breath catches.

Not because of Soap, but because in that alleyway, where she really shouldn’t be looking, she sees the uneasy rise of two massive shoulders and-

Oh my god, did König just… get jealous? 

The next idea she has is downright evil, really this is not the place or the time or any of that but-

Fuck it. She’s already flirting with the enemy, what more could this do? She’s already told the poor mountain of a man something dangerously adjacent to “God I really missed you when we didn’t talk to each other for three weeks like a horny teenager and by the way I love you desperately and think about you when I’ve got my hands down my pants,” and she probably imagined him tensing up, anyways. No harm, no foul. 

Maybe, it's dangerous, to wave a steak in front of a mountain lion, but what if she wants to get mauled?

“Hey Soap, what page are you on?” She says, putting her terrible plan into action. She sees him look up from his report, or more likely an idle sketch, on her periphery. 

“Ah, only the second chapter, did'ya move my bookmark?”

“Nope, the book’s in the leftmost pocket in my duffle.”

“Thank ya,” He says and moves from his spot to go fetch the book from it. She takes a quick sip of her coffee, delighted to realize he’s made it to her specifications as far as milk and sugar go, as he rummages around in her bag.

The impromptu book club started nearly eight months ago when Nova passed her copy of Emma by Jane Austen off to Gromsko to help him with his English. That turned into Mouse recommending the book Jane Eyre to Nova on the pure suspicion that she would hate it, which she did. Gromsko still needed to practice and enjoyed the spirited discussions so he joined the blossoming group with an English copy of The Doll by Aleksander Głowacki after he finished Jane Eyre. Never one to be left out, and surprisingly well-read when he wanted to be, Soap had pitched the idea of The Lord of the Flies (because to quote “Fucking Brits,” and he wanted to subject others to his high-school reading list.) If she remembered correctly, Farah and Reyes had also started sharing copies of books they enjoyed occasionally.

“Can’t believe it was Gromsko that put it in rotation.” Soap says, pulling out a well-worn copy of The Silence of the Lambs from the bag.

“He said he picked it up years ago in Polish thinking it was a cooking field guide.” She offers, as the man next to her idly thumbs through pages.

“Yer shitting me, yeah?”

She just shakes her head and smiles into her scope. Soap laughs and removes his homemade bookmark, a pencil sketch of a stake-out view somewhere in Mexico scribbled onto scrap paper. He keeps his thumb on the page and flips through to where hers is, much further along.

“Yer a right romantic, ain’cha Bonnie?” Soap laughs somewhere between the pages and somewhere behind her. “Hmm?” 

“This part, that’ya highlighted,” she hears a well-meaning sneer in his words. “The one you put the hearts by and everything…”

Mouse’s mouth tethers itself into a terse line and she attempts her best noncommittal shrug. 

Somewhere in her line of sight, a mountain shrugs himself chuckling lightly. She wonders what it would feel like, to lay on his broad, muscled chest as he laughs, how closely he would hold her, how she could rest entirely on top of his chest and not touch the ground beneath them and-

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” She lies through her teeth. Soap’s laugh behind her is loud and proud. Suddenly, his casual sadism isn’t so amusing when turned around on her. 

“Do you think it's because I like to look at you and think about eating you up—“ he reads from the book, voice dripping in mock chivalry and breathless romanticism. “About how you would taste?"

She feels her cheeks and ears heat up as Soap loudly proclaims her funeral to all those who may care, and she doesn’t miss the way König leans a little too close to his radio as he goes about mocking her. His stance shifts as if he hangs on the very words like he’s found a secret buried deep in her subconscious. Technically, she has no way of knowing, but Mouse knows in her heart that König is smiling. At least someone is having fun. 

Once Soap comes down from his laughing fit he puts her bookmark back to its spot and talks at the back of her head. 

“With your pressed flower bookmark and everything. Oh, it would be sweet if he wasn’t Hannibal the Cannibal.” Soap hisses out. “I always figured you were…” he pauses searching for the right word, “adventurous from how Gromsko talks bout ya, but seriously cannibalism?”

If she’s not mistaken, König’s hand grips ever so slightly tighter on the radio attached to the best. Maybe the battle plan has to change, but she’s still got some ideas. 

Soap is completely oblivious to the electricity licking up the air between her perch and one man on the ground. He looks around frantically, seemingly desperate to find her, and look in her eyes. Mouse is a sniper, she really should hate the attention, but something fatalistic descends into her smile as she lets Soap continue his little outburst. 

“I swear. You and him, yer sure there’s nothing there? He’s even given you special field medicine lessons, no one gets treatment like that from Gromsko.”

“His name is Sobieslaw.” Notably, it is not a denial. Technically, everything that’s just been said is the truth. 

König’s shoulders rise. 

He looks right down her site. 

She smiles. 

Come and get me, kitty-cat. 

“See! That’s what I’m talking about. You’re the only person who calls him by his first name.”

“Because you never put in the effort to learn it.”

“That don’t mean a thing since I don’t have tits.” 

“You do, just not as good as mine.”

“Aye, off it. Gromsko is into you.” She can hear from the way Soap’s voice carries haphazardly around the room that he is pacing and talking with his hands. She doesn’t turn her back, gaze still fixated on the looming shadow in her sights. Soap continues, entirely unaware of the exact type of beast he is tempting. “He swaggers around you, never even bothers to fucking ask to pick up your boxes, he just does it. His voice gets all soft around ya, too, like he’s cooing at a goddamn pet animal or something. He nearly got into an actual pissing contest with Ghost the other day when he bitched about you beating him in poker. Face the facts, Bonnie, he wants you.” 

König’s eyes have focused with the ferocity of an apex predator and his chest labors out concentrated and sharp inhales and exhales. He resembles a recently sharpened knife, desperate for some carnage after a particular kind of attention. His body is crumpled in on itself not unlike a cat getting ready to pounce. His heels dig desperately into the cobblestones beneath his feet. His hand flicks out his beloved Glock field knife with all the reverence of a praying man.

In short, he looks every part like he does in immediate battle. He looks like he did the split second before he started sprinting for her in the snowy woods, the scene that occupies her lonely nights when she tries in complete vanity to recreate the feel of his hands cradling her sides.

Mouse should be scared of König.

Instead, she sees before her a scene of complete and hopeless adoration focused so intently on her alone that she should be afraid of. Realistically, she recognizes the clear and present danger of the moment. Is König upset at her? At Soap? At a potential adversarial suitor by way of Gromsko? She doesn’t quite know, but after a career of intentionally hiding like a coward, she basks infatuated by the calamitous captivation he exhibits.

He looks like he wants to maul something to death.

As keen as she is on getting him close enough to try to get over to her (and ideally, throw her under him,) in her infinite mercy, Mouse decides the teasing has gone on long enough.

“I like Gromsko just fine, but not like that.” Soap audibly scoffs and König’s entire form relaxes. Both men mutter something to themselves before an encore of gunfire breaks out. Mouse’s heart stutters to a stop when her radio comes in.

“Visual on Gaz, he’s hit!” Nova calls out, clearly alarmed. Soap grabs for the radio right next to Mouse and brings it to his face, holding onto a few loose wires as he does to ensure the amalgamation does not fall apart in his fingers.

“Where is he?”

“Two blocks from south from you, Gromsko is a click out.”

Soap looks at Mouse with his heart bobbing in his throat. The pain and worry on his face is palpable.

“Go.” She says. Soap looks around frantically at their supplies, seemingly taking a split second worth of inventory, making as many life-or-death decisions as he can in such little time.

“Soap, listen to me,” Mouse soothes. “I keep overwatch, you take my TAC vest and stabilize him until he can get a medic.”

“Mouse, I can’t just leave you-” “You can, and you will. Go.” She says with all the finality of a door slamming shut. Soap doesn’t look at her again as he gathers her supplies and nearly sprints downstairs. 

Soap leaves. Quickly. Quietly. He never looks back.

Her stomach settles into discomfort and she looks through the door he closed with the same sad nostalgia she looked through falling snow and monumentous trees. She can’t help but think she would not get the same priority in Gaz’s situation. Like some terrible premonition, she imagines bleeding out on the ground as Soap turns away, never once looking back.

Would König come for me? She ponders, before she smothers the paranoia-induced delusion with the memory of his large hands on her sides. She looks down at her shoelace, where she carved a cylindrical hole through his effigy to attach it. The birchwood mouse carving that sleeps at her right toe gives a silent reassurance: he never really left you, did he?

By the time she looks back into her scope, in between the all-too-familiar white noise of war that’s broken out around her, she sees a shadow dart out from the alleyway one down from where König is. The figure is cloaked in the specific type of military fatigue denoting his affiliation, one that is unluckily for him, kill on sight. It ducks behind the building to the right, where König is. It stalks out, lining itself up behind the hooded man, brandishing a drawn pistol.

König doesn’t have the time to react to the blood spray that litters across his back from the other man’s head once Mouse pulls the trigger on her gun, silently thankful (as awful as it is,) that Gaz getting hurt allowed her to take the shot without Soap inquiring into her actions. (But maybe it’s her fault in the first place that König was distracted enough to allow someone to get the drop on him…)

König looks back towards her and his head lulls to the side like a heavy flower bloom weighed down by morning dew. His eyes, somehow the softest she’s ever seen, are also carving a large chunk of her soul like a knife cuts through soft wood. When he lifts his hood to blow a kiss to her, she knows she will never get her traitorous heart back.

“Danke, mein Engel,” the radio on her table whispers in his voice.

“It’s only fair. I did owe you, after all.” She responds, all together unconcerned with whether or not he can hear her. She smiles, thankful she can see those bright eyes another day. 

When he turns away, she feels her entire heart walk away with him. With every step of his fleeting form, she feels less and less herself, as though someone had separated her shadow from where it meets her feet. Something has changed in the air between them, a sad resignation settles into her trigger finger when she releases it.

For the first time, she does not feel as though she wouldn’t run if he took her, but rather that some integral part of her is with him as he leaves. 

All is fair in love and war, but she’s not sure just how much longer she can stand to play cat and mouse.

taglist!

@kneelingshadowsalome @sprout-fics @bucca2 @dead-cipher @gallowsjoker @lostagoodcigar @berryjuicyy @haisebo @crowbird

And special thanks to @bucca2 and @ivymarquis for finally kicking my ass into gear to write this. Can't wait to read yall's WIPs!

[hopelessdelusional]

.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

begin again

Ro actually posting early and not at 11:50????? what is this??? what is happening????

yeah that’s right BITCHES i’m posting early since i did this YESTERDAY which means wednesday (hopefully) will ALSO be early

but idk bc i’m having a DC brainrot rn specifically i made an oc and an entire alien race so i’ve been pretty dead set on writing that rn BUT fear not the next chapter will be good especially bc that’s when the angst ball starts rolling

anyways once again asking for requests for little side blurbs since my x singer! reader did so well which btwwwwww holy guacamole y’all blew that up thank you so much!! it feels so good to have spent so much time on that and it get recognized 🥺🥺🥺

fun facts! ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

- did you notice that i went back and fixed all the little aesthetics on the previous chapters 😺😺😺😺😺 that literally took like two hours what the hell (the older chapters were SO ugly holy shit how did y’all let that slide)

- also i saw the comments on the last post i promise i will drop that lore soon!!

- when yn is super into her work she completes shuts the world out like gone bye so when toshi was talking to her she was like “uh huh, yeah totally, okay” when in reality she has no idea what he’s saying

- i added that user saying the parks and rec quote bc i knew not a lot of people would know/notice and I HAVE TO BE SEEN

- hopefully you noticed but bkg has started using lower caps for texting…just one of the many impacts yn has on him

- (pls ignore the upper case of that one comment tho i had a brain fart)

- which honestly this reminds me of how yn slowly got sho not to be a dry texter😭

- momo is so cute :((((

- hitoshi 100% is obsessed with those weird live streams and trolls them

- zu is always digging for the tea or gossip and i love him for that

- zu and sho were sitting next to each other picking out which pic they would send at the same time😭😭

- idk who to make sero’s love interest since my main ship is with him and todoroki so PLEASE put down a character (or even an oc!!! i love oc’s!!!!) that i can set him up with bc SINCE IM NOT IN LOVE MY CHARACTERS WILL BE DAMMIT

- …sorry that was aggressive

←Prev˚✧ Next→

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ updates every wednesday and sunday! happy wildest dreams sunday ✧.*

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ TAGLIST IS OPEN just message or comment: @iiilovemilfs @0anodite0 @bakugouswh0r3 @amethyst123 @nijirosz @nathan-sharp-wife @allnamesredacted @ch3rryhaze @ectoplasmictoast @cathwritestragediesnotsins @tati-the-fangirl @autumnfay @call-me-prodigy @chuugarettes @sammyam @kotoprincesa @bubblewordsofsodapop

[rebelliousstories]

Kiss Me You Animal

Kiss Me You Animal

Relationship: Cooper “The Ghoul” Howard x Zylia “The Freak” Shelley

Fandom: Fallout

Request: No

Warnings: Angst, Violence, Mentions of Blood, Fluff, Happy Ending

Word Count: 1,748

Main Masterlist: Here

Fallout Masterlist: Here

//Previous Chapter//

Kiss Me You Animal Masterlist: Here

Summary: One final showdown. One final goodbye. One final kiss.

“Look alive boys! We got company!”

That was what Zylia first heard after coming out of a short nap. She did not mean to fall asleep, but when you are dehydrated, starving, and constantly pumping adrenaline in a fight or flight response? It tends to wear you down. But that was the least of her worries. Two possibilities were coming through the door right now. Either that was more goons for this band of misfits, or it was Cooper.

She was not sure which of the two was more terrifying. And then, if it was Cooper, two more terrifying thoughts came into her brain. Was he coming because he was wanting to finish her off and take the caps, or because he cared for her? All of these were being amplified by the pounding in her chest as the doors to the warehouse were opened.

With spurs clicking against the concrete floor, The Ghoul had arrived.

“Whoo! Now I am excited to finally meet the myth and legend that is The Ghoul. Glad you could join us!” The leader called, waving his arms around in a grand gesture. His eyes were obscured by the lip of his hat, so the rest of the people could not see where his eyes landed. But Shelley knew where Howard’s eyes were. They were on her, even if she could not see them.

“Well, certainly made it easy for me to find y’all. Can’t say I’m excited about being forced to chase a band of misfits that even Santa don’t wanna visit.” His drawl was thick, but his words confused the group.

“So why the hell you kidnappin’ my paycheck?”

“You mean, your girl?”

“No. She’s not my girl. She’s a fucking paycheck.”

The leader of the group raised his eyebrows and looked between the two mutants with rapt attention. He started to laugh, that only his fellow bandits joined in on. Zylia bowed her head as she listened to what he was saying. So he was just coming here to make sure his competition was taken care of finally.

“Well, shit. Ain’t that a kick to the teeth, sweetie,” the man that was really starting to piss Zylia off teased. His fingerless gloved hand reached down to caress her cheek, but it was taken away shortly as her teeth snapped towards the fingers. “Oh, don’t be like that sweetheart.”

“You gonna kill her or fuck her? Cause one of those I don’t wanna be here for.” Howard called out. He was slowly working his way up Zylia’s list of people she would not mind killing violently.

“See, I wanted to kill you both. But because I’m so nice, I’ll give you a choice. Either you can go first, or she can.” Fingers tangled in blood soaked white locks, causing the woman to scream out. Her hands were quickly unbound from her post, and she was dragged before The Ghoul as she was dumped to the ground.

“If you don’t mind, I have one request before you kill us both,” Cooper’s request drew the attention of two people, “let me kill her myself.”

“Oh, wow. You really have been a pain in his ass. What the hell did you do to him, huh, Freak?” Once more, the leader teased her.

“Been followin’ me ‘round like a lost puppy for months now. Just been waitin’ for an opportunity like this,” he grumbled. With each word, Zylia felt her heart breaking. He never cared for her. And now she was going to die at his hand.

“After you.” The leader stepped back a good couple of feet to where he would have been safe from what he thought was going to be a bloodbath afterwards.

“Come ‘ere.” Cooper snarled, leveling Zylia with a dangerous look.

She squeaked, and tried to run but her body was running on fumes and adrenaline now. It was no match for Howard, who would have gotten proper sleep, and adequate food and water. He grabbed her by the back of her shirt and hauled her back. After she was on the ground in front of him, he kicked her several times. Each one landing perfectly over her skin.

She curled up into a ball to try and get away from the beating. Each time she did that, he would find a way to go after her again. This seemed to go on for an eternity. And every hit was a literal and metaphorical punch to the gut. Cooper brought his hands down with his feet after a while. Zylia had been beaten enough times to know that begging for him to stop would only make it worse.

There was a sickening crack, and Zylia went down. Her hands were limp on the floor. Her body was turned away from the group, but her chest was no longer rising and falling as it should have been. Rubbing his hands, Cooper stood over the body of the woman that he had kept with him as a companion over the last few months. Clapping was heard behind him, and he finally turned around.

“Now that was a beautiful, albeit brutal display.” The leader complimented, watching The Ghoul with excited eyes.

He clicked his fingers, and motioned to the body that was on the floor. Two big, burley men came over to Zylia and tried to pick her up, but to no avail. They shoved her shoulder to double check and see if she was still alive, but it only caused the woman to roll over on her stomach.

“Maybe it’s just from the way I was raised in a different time than y’all. But that ain’t no way to treat a lady.”

Gurgling was heard coming from where Zylia laid. The first man was clutching his throat as blood poured out of it, while the second was having to deal with her knife being lodged in his skull. Cooper watched in delight as the leader that had dragged all of them there was now frozen in fear. Zylia dragged herself to her feet, and felt a sort of bloodlust take over.

The Ghoul drew his gun as chaos erupted all around them. There were bandits trying to make an escape from the mutant duo, and some that were trying to fight them. He fired at anyone who dared get close, while Zylia got close to everyone to deliver a killing blow.

Pulling her knife from one of the bandits, Shelley looked straight at the last man standing. The leader that had kidnapped her in the first place. When he felt eyes on him, the man took off for one of the exits. The adrenaline coursing through her veins shot her forward like being fired from Cooper’s gun. She ran as fast as she could, and heard Howard take off after her as well.

A bullet flew past and landed in the leg of the leader. He crumpled to the ground in anguish which allowed Zylia to catch up and straddle him. Her knife found a home in his shoulder as she turned him over on his back. The screams he let out was music to her ears. She moved her knife to the other shoulder before leaning down.

“Please, please. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Please just let me go.” He begged and pleaded, but it fell on deft ears. Another bullet hit his other leg, causing more screaming and begging from the man that was supposed to be the tough guy.

“You’re damn right. You’re not gonna do anything like this again,” Cooper drawled from where he had come up behind the other two.

“Matter of fact, you ain’t gonna be doing much of anything anymore.” Zylia finished, plunging her knife deep into his chest. Blood poured out from where his heart was. She stayed like that until the last light left the man’s eyes. Only then, did her body finally start to come down from its high of adrenaline.

She stumbled off of the man, and was caught by Cooper who looked over her with concern. His hands traced over her body, trying to feel for any life threatening injuries while his eyes took in any that were not. Shelley collapsed back onto the floor and Howard followed her down.

“You alright there, vampie?” His voice was full of concern as he tried to get an assessment on her.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m alright. Do I have something in my hair?” Cooper chuckled, which prompted Zylia to follow.

“Oh, ain’t you a joker.” He commented, drawing her into his chest. She sighed heavily as she rested in her spot.

“Was startin’ to get worried that you wouldn’t have gotten my idea.”

“As soon as I saw the handle poking out of your waistband, I knew.”

He chuckled again, and pressed a kiss to her head. Pulling away, the duo looked at each other in contentment. Without words being spoken, Cooper stood and gently helped Zylia to her feet. He made sure she was stable before walking past all of the bodies that littered the floor, and out to the desert that greeted them.

She was deposited to where she could lean against the building as he retrieved his saddle bag, and her own bag as well. Hooking an arm around her, Cooper made sure that she could walk before taking off for the city that was a day or so away. He was keeping an eye on the road ahead, and the other on her to make sure that she was still with him.

They made a pit stop on a rock that was big enough for one of them to sit on. Cooper made sure Zylia was sitting and balanced, before he began digging around in his bag. A stim pack was produced along with some jerky and a canteen of water. While she was busy greedily gulping down the water, Howard was sticking her with the stim pack to help jumpstart the healing process.

“Thanks for coming to get me.” She whispered in between bites of jerky.

“We’re a team now. Can’t have my partner dyin’ on me now.” He replied, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

Without warning, Zylia surged forward and captured his lips on hers. This time, it was no accident. They both sat there, enjoying their moment together. This could have been the end. But the one thing they did not count on, was the love two mutants have for each other.

[bookishtheaterlover7]

Hi booky, marketing anon here.

I'm happy that you're going back to school soon, good for you. Education is important!

I'm sorry that my previous comment had angry anons in your inbox.

I'm going to be brutally honest here, so if you choose to post this, please kindly have your followers/anons heed what I'm about to say before reacting. And to your followers/anons, please do not harass the mod with rants due to a stranger's opinion. She is not responsible for what I say. And I'm not going to apologize for my opinion either.

When I said people could stand to give CE/AB a little grace, it was simply a suggestion, not like I was telling anyone how to feel or be.

I also did not come here to books blog to waste her time or mine. I came here to share some insight with her/followers about what marketing and PR, in my experience, is about. And the fact is there is a sizable amount of manipulation being done to create and promote narratives as we see fit. That's part of the job, and even if internally I don't always feel great about selling a misleading image, it is what it is. It doesn't mean all of us are terrible people but you know, money talks.

I do not work in the entertainment industry. I work in a very expansive industry where what we do, the products and services we create, basically control the future of society. For example, artificial intelligence. So, I'll let y'all use your guessing caps to figure out what industry I'm in. But the PR/Marketing tactics in most industries have similarities. Strategy is crucial, planning, executing, and rebranding are all part of the job.

Anyways, I'll leave you all with a little final tidbit: Just continue to pay attention to context clues. Sometimes it may seem like random BS made up to stir up shit for no reason, but I've found in this particular situation (CE's marriage thing), there's been a lot of hints and clues along the way and I strongly believe the bigger picture is yet to be revealed.

Insightful as always, Marketing An🫶n.

And thank you 😊 I'm more nervous about going back, but I'm excited to start again ❤️

She's got a point, guys! And that bigger picture is still waiting to be revealed... We just have to be observant, and patient. Truth will out no matter what.

[chipped-chimera]

WIP WEDNESDAY - 21/06/23

(I mean it’s technically Friday now between timezones and spoons but have this otherwise I’ll keep forgetting) My first WIP Wednesday! Thanks @theviridianbunny​ for the tag! I’ve been really getting stuck into modding - as well as falling into my usual mod habit of ‘start like six project at once and end up with a million WIP files' but I guess I’ll talk about the major ones.

Graphic design is my passion ...

(Long) rambling about mods I'm making + things I've learned below the cut~

My V’s tatt project is still ongoing, and I’ve (somewhat begrudgingly) been trying out Substance Painter to work on bits of it, mainly polishing seams between UV maps. It’s definitely got a lot of benefits, especially for graphic placement in really tricky areas (like anywhere in the entire head mesh region for example) but I still think a lot of the heavy work will still be done in Photoshop so I’ll probably be writing up both experiences with them when I do that tutorial I keep hinting at for complex tatt work. I’ve started drafting a tumblr tutorial but I wonder if that’s the best format, maybe a PDF? Google doc? Github wikis look cool? (tho I think I need to pay for that) - if y’all got suggestions for tutorial formats pls let me know!

As for the other arguably overly-ambitious-project-where-I-bit-off-more-than-I-could-chew ...

H A I R.

Hair has been the bane of my existence for about the past week( ... weeks? Maybe two?), most of it involving cursing, a lot of reverse-engineering game meshes and smashing my head against blender. But if not already evident from my monowire post - I am a stubborn bitch with too much time on my hands so even though there were at least two moments where I wanted to curl up on the floor under my desk and just stay there - we got there.

This all started because my favourite hair mod which I cannot split from my V’s identity was acting funky and the shape of it had been altered since a physics update. It wasn’t her anymore. So I needed new hair. I tried editing the existing hair. I tried importing the old hair mesh. I tried so many things and they didn’t work out one way or they threw a million errors or there were an obnoxious amount of verts.

I even tried looking for replacement mod hair. None of them fit, all of them felt too ‘clean’ for my V. So I just concluded: FINE. I’ll make my own damn hair. From scratch. At least then I’ll actually KNOW what’s going on with the mesh, right?

Problem with hair is tutorials are very limited in respect to Cyberpunk, so I had to learn a lot of this by myself and looking at other processes used for building game hair. I’ve had a previous stint in game design at uni but it was very introductory and more broad-strokes concepts not specific stuff like what ‘real time hair’ is and how you actually go about placing hair-cards (there’s a million different ways btw) but after another 3 days smashing my head against blender I finally got shit to work to a satisfactory level using hair tools for blender and the particle hair grooming system (not the 3.5 blender system, maybe more on that at some point).

Putting together the hair cards I was 120% convinced this was going to blow up in my face, primarily through vert count. But this hair tool plugin? Alarmingly efficient. I was frequently checking my work against Alt's hair mesh (one I was planning on rigging to) and here's the final-ish stats -

This is with only Alt's hair mesh selected (no cap) and then only my mesh(s - lots of layering to build it up), and by comparison I felt I'd built up the density of a chinchilla. This is not a brag, this is mostly genuine confusion over how efficient this plugin is, all I did was smack around hair curves. It did all the UV mapping junk on the fly.

Although structurally complete, I still consider this a WIP (yes I know there's a reeeeal fun vert funkiness in that second render, it's been fixed) since I'm having to go back and fine-tune some of the UV's the plugins mapped that I'm not happy with and generally figuring out my density problem because if anything, after putting it in-game it felt too dense.

Because yes, somehow I got it in game.

WITH. PHYSICS.

This may have driven me absolutely up the wall between having to learn blender from scratch then what the heck real time hair is and how that works etc. etc. but ... god, seeing her move back from the mirror and just feeling that instant catharsis of 'IT'S HER!' made it so. Damn. Worth it.

It looks too thick - this might be because I chucked in the 'doubled' feature Wolvenkit comes with because I hadn't spent any time doing backfaces. But it also might be because it's black? That's going to need investigating.

The physics need a lot of work too, I did a pretty rushed weight painting job last night on a merged version of the mesh because I was worried whether it was even viable and I'd already dumped an insane amount of hours into this between trying to salvage the old hair and building a new one (with some more bells and whistles. Mainly - curly). That wasn't without it's issues -

This almost fucking cracked me, given this was one of the issues I was experiencing before trying to fix an existing mesh mod. Turns out I was just being dumb and forgetting to export the armature, which I'd thought I wasn't supposed to do after having blender throw a bunch of errors on other hair attempts. I gave it a try after one last shot and boom. Worked. (I dunno what those errors were about man but now I know armature? very important).

Will I release this hair? no damn clue, depends on if I can get it to a level I feel is 'releasable'. I already know what I'm calling it though - Venatrix her side-handle I've decided on.

I look forward to adapting it into maybe a comb-back version, as well as a tied up version, so I can show off both her undercut + have the option of NOT hiding every damn tatt I've obsessed over placing on her neck haha.

In other news -

My much-needed wacom tablet replacement arrived (as well as other things I was looking forward to 👀) meaning my Wacom Cintiq, workhorse of ten years can finally enjoy her retirement. Her controls were getting funky, she had a few dead pixels but man. I'm convinced they won't make them like her ever again. Either way she's done unfortunately - upgrading my monitor to 2k made this painfully obvious. I don't think it's even running in full HD, it's that old. And with Phantom Liberty coming out this year? I'm probably going to need a new videocard and DVI compatibility isn't really a thing anymore.

So for future I think I'll just stick to the basic tablet set up, invest in screens. Also now I FINALLY know what her hair is gonna look like and with the tablet here, I can get back to work on the tattoo bodysuit.

Anyways, that's it for now! (Jesus Christ did you really read all of this? If you did you're a fucking trooper). Sorry for the extended ramble but MAN I did a lot, I needed to yell.

Till next time Chooms! Thanks again @theviridianbunny for the tag~ <3

Oh shit wait, have the blender renders before I forget because hahah I figured out how to do that too lol -

[butch-reidentified]

*NOTE* This reply is admittedly more just my thoughts and meant to share said thoughts with my own community on here rather than being intended as a direct response specifically to anon. I just think a lot of this can be applicable in a lot of situations, and so it's maybe worth saying. A lot of it comes down to a certain mentality that seeks drama constantly, especially on social media, which I frankly believe to be the most typical explanation for the reaction to my post yesterday; I suspect that the people who have been sending those anons are likely reading through the lens of a social schema wherein that sort of constant, petty drama is normalized. I'll elaborate a bit on this below.

I feel very strongly that I didn't make "wild accusations" when I referenced previous (documented) incidents. And as I alluded to in the post, I didn't make it to call her out/incite negativity against her; I made it with the intention of interacting with my followers/mutuals about my frustration at dealing with yet another instance in a pattern of behavior - especially when I had JUST logged on for practically the first time all week and that screenshot was the first thing I saw despite having no knowledge of any drama (idek what happened still lmao). I made it to get shit off my chest & engage with my tumblr pals about my experience with it, bc it was a whole shock, esp given I didn't even know there was any drama.

It seems like yall are not able to read and understand the purpose of the post. It wasn't for you, it wasn't intended to have some kind of #[url]isOverParty vibe, and wasn't even primarily about the specific things she's said and/or spread but rather a discussion of the type of behavior in general. I don't have any need to demonize her or convince ppl to "side" w me bc I don't have a side in this besides the I've Been Busy Touching Grass WTF Leave Me Alone side. Which, again, is why I don't care if yall believe me or don't, if yall search my blog or not, if yall are her best friend on earth or not.

Plus, I have a thing about not being super psyched to go to extra unnecessary effort to do a task for people who are actively doing me wrong or just engaging in behavior I find morally reprehensible regardless of context - and I especially don't feel particularly obligated to anyone who's been obnoxious/harassed me, especially on anon which I am extremely vocal about never ever using (except for like, deeply personal advice request type shit and the like) bc I think it's inherently devoid of integrity to rely on anonymity to engage in any negative social interaction. I have zero desire to put even the smallest amount of time and effort into doing a task I don't enjoy (as opposed to writing these, which I do enjoy in a sort of diary type of way) that the previously described sort of person is demanding of me but could do themselves, particularly when I did not at any point have any intention or desire to interact with said person or associates.

One of the earlier anons was rly focused on the fact that H "only" posted a side eyes emoji (this one: 👀) (anon wrote it "EYES" in all caps) in response to an anon containing fucked up lies ab me, and said I was "acting like H had been the one to make it all up." While she very much has done so in the past, you'll find that I have been using the term "spreading" rumors/lies, which does not mean inventing them yourself. She is doing that. If I got that anon ab any woman on here, never in a trillion years would I react that way. I find it gross to be seemingly jumping at any chance to start drama with someone, honesty and integrity (and often feminism, lbr) be damned. I'm far from the only one who feels this way about her behavior.

*Final Notes*

[1] I have never had sex with a man and have made this clear more than once before & never said otherwise. So the only reasons I can think of rn that any gyn on radblr could possibly have to accuse me of being into men (assuming it's not purely to instigate drama or try to upset me or something) would either be bc of a belief that real lesbians all agree with 100% of her takes OR bc of my trafficking history/porn of me existing online. I included this one for a couple reasons, one of which is that I've straight up seen it done here on radblr, I've seen a self-proclaimed radfem tell a lesbian trafficking survivor that she was "ruined" & other horrific shit; it was quite some time ago, but certainly stuck with me.

[teeth--thief]

Hi. Your previous anonymous speaker, again. I’m reading Midnight in Chernobyl, as I’m fortunate enough to have found a copy. Notes? Thoughts? Thank you, again. I liked your last reply much.

- R

Welcome back R, so glad to see you! I'm happy you liked my reply ♡! I shall continue replying for as long as you'll continue asking.

It's probably the best English language book about the disaster out there. As I've mentioned in my previous post, it does a great job showing the people involved as, well, people, which a lot of other books fail to do. It does repeat certain myths and misinformation, though, mainly when the source is Medvedev, so I guess that's on him. Everything is on him. We (me) hate Medvedev in this household.

> One of my least favourite things it repeats is that there was some kind of a disagreement in the control room. There were calm conversations and the closest thing to an "argument" was when, allegedly, Dyatlov snapped and told Akimov to hurry up because he was taking too long looking over the test program during the beginning of the shift. Nobody reported anything else - if they did, it would have most definitely been used against Dyatlov himself during the trial - and yet, seemingly neither Akimov's nor Toptunov's testimonies said anything about being forced to do anything or getting yelled at by the Deputy Chief Engineer.

It is unclear to me why this kind of narrative persisted even after people realised the operators weren't at fault and that Medvedev had it out for Dyatlov for some reason. Drama is what makes things interesting and it's easier to say "oh, well, the operators did not agree to XYZ, actually" when you don't want to blame them, I suppose. But you might as well be perfect obedient and be innocent and the same time - after all, it's not like any of them were exactly planning making the reactor go boom that night...

> It's not clear why there was a power drop to begin with. Higginbotham says that the SIUR "made a mistake", while Dyatlov and a few others say it was an equipment error. RBMK is a beast of a reactor, reportedly hard to control when the power is low and an inexperienced SIUR, which Toptunov was, would probably have problems keeping up with everything. If it was the case of the SIUR messing up, then it's not as simple as the author presents, you don't just miss one step and it all goes to shit, you actively have to not recognise and/or not be fast enough with your actions. But that's nitpicking, it's not that relevant.

> The fuel channel caps never jumped or at least were never actually SEEN by anyone to have been jumping, my god. Perevozchenko was in the control room when it was "going on". That Chernobyl Guy made a really good (and fun!) video on the topic if anyone's interested. Love that guy, he's doing a great job!

> I'm pretty sure that the description of the control rods and the positive scram effect (and the purely technical, nuclear bits) is not that accurate. I'm going to be very careful with both of these because pure physics is outside of my comfort zone and will actually recommend you do your own research on both of these, if you're interested, from the fear that I might start sounding like Medvedev (without proper education)

Other than that, it's really really good! It includes some relevant pictures, which is always nice (I'm looking at you, Kate Brown's book), it covers a great time duration - from before Prypiat to after Chernobyl. And the author interviewed a ton of people, we have to give him that.

All in all, I absolutely need to reread this book again because my memory of it is a little foggy and I'll report back to you in case something of importance will come up!

[yangxiaolongstan]

ok on my previous blog i did a few posts about fixing the things i didn't like about Fallout 4. not because i hate it but because i love it and want a better version. this time, weapon and armor tweaks.

first off, the problem children: power armor and heavy weapons. the real issues are that power armor is too all purpose and easy to access, and heavy weapons are too niche and situational. the minigun is practically useless after you kill the deathclaw in concord because you will never have enough ammo for it. on the other hand the power armor you pick up in the same quest is way too strong and there's absolutely no reason to ever not use it. if you know what you're doing you're not likely to run out of fusion cores past the super early game and there's no skill locking it off. the fix for power armor is super simple, reintroduce the idea that you need special training to use power armor and reduce the number of fusion cores in the world substantially. this will gate power armor off and make it a mostly late game item that you need to be careful with. the minigun should have somewhat higher damage, slightly lower fire rate, and also should not be present in concord at the start. maybe replace it and the power armor with a grenade launcher and some nice combat armor in a locked chest in the airship or something like that. and make them optional to the quest of saving the Minutemen. most of the explosive heavy weapons are pretty good but it's weird that there's no grenade launchers or anything like that. the gatling laser is fine if a bit op but i think there should also be other heavy energy weapons like tesla canons and plasma casters to complement it. the fat man is ridiculously strong but given that it takes either cheats, an absurd number of caps, or a long time to get one it's fine. the junk jet is great and i will hear no arguments.

for unarmed weapons there needs to be a greater variety and more to separate them than just damage. maybe damage type can vary more. the deathclaw gauntlet is super under powered compared to the powerfist so amp its damage and maybe give it a dangerous bleed effect. and let the player either incorporate unarmed weapons into their power armor or use them while wearing it.

energy weapons need their rifles and pistols separated at minimum. why can i turn a tiny laser pistol into a huge sniper rifle? the institute models should be sleeker and less boxy. don't let them take up a third of the screen. they should be as powerful as the standard laser weapons plus an effect unique to institute weapons, maybe they drain power armor or shut down robots with enough shots. and institute plasma weapons should probably reduce armor condition more than standard plasma. gamma guns are great as is.

speaking of armor condition, bring back equipment durability. it's such a good mechanic and it would fit great with Fallout 4's expanded crafting system.

single piece armors need to be stronger to match the multi piece sets. particularly for faction soldiers. it's absurd that coursers have worse armor than the gen 1s they fight with. Combat armor and Synth armor need more to differentiate themselves and Synth armor needs a complete redesign to not look like absolute shit (except the helmets, those kick ass) the Marine armor also doesn't look great and it's way way too heavy to be useful but it's very effective and could be good with a slight redesign so it didn't clip like crazy and slightly lower weight.

for melee weapons the fast swing speed group needs a significant expansion and a damage boost so they aren't completely irrelevant, the medium needs to have at least 1 proper energy blade, the slow is mostly ok but my god why the hell can you just make a rocket sledge? it makes the standard super sledge completely redundant. more variety in legendary effects too. they'll have their own section but for now, it's weird that pickman's blade is just a weaker throatslicer, Kremv's tooth looks awesome but the effect is terrible, Atom's judgement on the other hand is just incredible 10/10 no notes.

for guns, i want a better variety and a larger ammo variety. i don't necessarily have a problem with rifles using .45 ammo but it's weird that it's so common whereas the only pistols that use it are pipe weapons. maybe the combat rifle could use 5.56 or 5mm instead and we could have a combat pistol that used .45. combat pistols could have a similar skin to the deliverer only larger and silver instead of black. in fact, make the deliverer one of these. the hunting rifle needs a damage boost to function as the game's go to ballistic sniper, and should start off with a stock. the shotguns are really good but there should be 20 and 12 gauge versions. ive never been able to make myself give a single fuck about the assault rifle but it definitely needs a different model and some way to differentiate itself. maybe slightly higher rate of fire than the combat rifle but slightly lower damage and it automatically comes with a reflex sight like New Vegas' marksman carbine. i think giving it a model similar to the radium rifle would be good, but without all the weird extra bits slapped on. that way we can tell the radium rifle was made by altering the assault rifle. the handmade rifle needs a new name but otherwise i like it, especially the fact that depending on how good you are with bashing, automatic weapons, and non auto rifles you get different upgrades.

finally legendary weapons and armor. not gonna sugarcoat it, these SUCK. ive played over 2,600 hours of Fallout 4 and ive found maybe 4 good random legendaries across all my playthroughs. and all 4 were completely broken. most legendary effects are either borderline useless like ghoul slayers or exterminators, or absolutely absurd like explosive, instigating, and 2 shot. and even the best effects are entirely dependent on the weapon you find them on. explosive and never ending are probably the best examples. explosive turns an otherwise terrible weapon like the submachine gun into an alright weapon like the spray and pray, a great weapon like the radium rifle into a fantastic one with the kiloton radium rifle, and a pretty good weapon like the combat shotgun into a completely game breaking meat grinder. it's way too powerful. Never Ending is the opposite problem, with one glaring exception. for most weapons, Never Ending just makes you never have to reload. this is ok for early low capacity weapons like the double barreled shotgun, but completely useless on anything with a decent clip size or high damage, which is literally everything after the super early game, and on one weapon in particular it's completely broken. because of a weird glitch Never Ending gives the Gatling laser *literally infinite ammo* and since the gatling laser is already one of the most potentially powerful weapons in the game, this combination is also completely game breaking. I'll be honest, I don't really know how to fix legendaries, other than to remove the glitches and make at least some of them removable and craftable.

[professorspork]

u should like!! toootally drop blake and yang outfit references for ur newsbees au. for like. research purposes

!!! okay I can't tell if you're asking this for fanart reasons (EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL VERY FREE TO DO THAT) or for spank bank "my thirst requires an accurate theater of the mind" reasons (VALID) but

this makes me UNHINGED and i plan to be SO THOROUGH so THANK YOU FOR ASKING

i have put this under a cut to spare you all but i think you should click on it and admire the gilded age urchin chic

first of all, let me say that Newsies Are Beautiful. They have never met two clashing patterns they didn't want to combine and I think they are perfect in every way

that said

the classic Jack look could certainly use some tailoring before it's truly ready for the Yang prime time

these numbered fellas give us a better place to start when it comes to I WANT MY NEWSIES TO NOT BE SWIMMING IN CLOTHES TWO SIZES TOO BIG YES I KNOW THE VERITAS OF THEM SCROUNGING FOR WHATEVER BUT ALSO. THIRST.

Fella 1 is a pretty bang-on Yang and you can tell that was his intention because he's growing out his hair, bless. sleeves rolled to show arm, shirt unbuttoned scandalously to show cleavage, open vest, neat cap, high socks. the lower half does lose points for the striped socks that remind me of the Wicked Witch of the East's feet sticking out and the fact that he's clearly in tap shoes as opposed to work boots like his friend Fella 3

Fella 2 gets EXTRA sock points for the argyle and the vest-but-no-collar combo which is very Nora. He also has a neat cap, which Blake always does because she's hiding her ears.

Fella 3 has a sloppy cap but is otherwise a bang-on Blake; kempt and tidy in ways Yang never is even though they are essentially wearing the exact same thing. Blake knows how to button buttons and Yang pretends she forgets every day

Fella 4's rocking the henley and suspenders combo which serves any member of our cast, a fucking classic

Fella 5 is wearing a tie he is trying so hard he wants to look nice at work, 100% a Jaune move

sir that-- that's not how crutches are supposed to-- SIR--

this Crutchie exhibits excellent Newsie styling in a very Yang color palette. high socks, mixing of patterns, rolled sleeves; excellent. the slightly fancier waistcoat, actually buttoned, isn't something Yang would go for but certainly wouldn't be amiss on Blake, Ruby, or Velvet

Ruby also, of course, wears a signature red scarf instead of her cloak:

like her scarf and hat just absolutely dwarf her, she's WEE SMOL

above we see our previous example Crutchie not leaping through the air, and his outfit remains exemplary but for the backwards cap, which I shan't abide. the Jack to his left-- what with his WIDE open shirt, tight undershirt, rolled sleeves, and suspenders, is very Yang.

good Yang looks can also mean THE SHORTEST SLEEVES EVER, TO SHOW OFF THE GUNS:

both excellent choices, and of course our lower fella (TURN THAT CAP AROUND YOUNG MAN) has got his bandana going, which is Quite Yang

all the guys in the background there are gold too tbh

look at this king in this fashion pose but also YEAH WHY NOT BANDANAS ON THE ARMS BANDANAS EVERYWHERE the yang xiao long story

^^ this outfit, on the other hand, is pretty exactly spot-on for Blake immediately post haircut/makeover

Weiss, I'm sure you've already guessed, is a Classic Katherine:

she's buttoned-up, she's fancy, her shit matches and she's the only one in a skirt.

the only thing where my brain gets REALLY SPECIFIC is the finale so uh. spoiler warning I guess for screenshots of the Newsies film and vague references to a plot resolution if you're reading the AU without having watched it

but the finale looks are ICONIC and non-negotiable

button shirt OVER henley OVER bandana and nothing's buttoned? suspenders on but hanging loose from the hips? hell yes.

i actually even managed to make that dirt smudge on David's tummy plot-relevant to Blake and that was completely subconscious and I didn't realize I did it until looking up these screenshots but there you have it. and by this point Weiss gets to be a little more loose and dressed-down, a la Sarah

in conclusion they're in love look at those heart eyes oh my god

[katyspersonal]

ask: Tell me about your day!🌞🌙

Well.... It was a lucky one since it was Sunday, so I could actually have a rest I need, since I am very sick. But yeah basically

- I woke up at ~10 AM and checked the Lore Council group chat, in which @heraldofcrow said something I disagreed with, so we started yelling at each other about BB lore and theories in all caps with Fantomette joining in too, only to like 30 minutes later for Crow to finally remember THE core detail that did a full deal-breaker and proven that MY idea was right dfhdshgf After that, I went back to bed!

- I woke up again around 3 PM, doodled for like 2 minutes before giving up because of a headache, answered some messages, checked memes, answered an ask from @fantomette22 ....

- I doodled more and none of it was finished, but by 8 PM I realized that both Val and Kris were online, and Kris has been doing a very creative and cool DnD with some other people for a while... They kept dropping things from that one, until I exploded and demanded that they share ENTIRE lore of it, so I could finally understand what the HEC they were talking about dfsjhfhd. I can't read anything that isn't Soulsb0rne-related with my focus issues, so this is done via VC. So! Me, Kris and Val had a VC until 1 AM. Yes, it is already tomorrow here xd Thankfully, my throat was no longer too sore to speak to the moment us three were all online, that's why I was able to VC! It was sooooooo interesting, holy shit. I really hope some of their concepts will see the public and not just be lost within the small DnD group.

- Now it is 3 AM, and I've been writing down my headcanons on beasts in a previous post xd

So yeah, this Sunday was very lazy + I am soooooo dead at today's work shift lol xd I should probably go to bed NOW, but thank you for the ask!

[someonechaotic]

Ze conner chaos onc agin its aa uhh part 3?????? whyayayayytryeysyayyeeee

Okay, what happened last blog? Well.....

I raised both Zaidan's and Julien's child except I found out that Julien is a very shit father, Haylee grows up happy and Jase grows up unhappy. Sky fishes for some Angelfish whilst Zaidan reaches Level 10 in Gourmet Cooking and whilst Sky gets a new job as an Astronaut and goes into the Interstellar Smuggler branch, we get some Ambrosia, revive Lucas who was previously fucking died. Julien keeps pissing on my fucking living room floor, Haylee got aged up into a teen, Jase is now a child (I aged him up after last chaos blog). Haylee almost died, Lucas almost died again.

Okay, caught up? Good. Now, in this blog is going to be TWICE the chaos, because the previous chaos blog I couldn't post for a week, but I had already done it and couldn't be bothered to update it, so instead, all of its gonna go here!!!!!!

Now be prepared, because I don't know if next week's chaos blog will top this one off....

First week...

After one too many times of Vito possessing Dumbass's gay hearts, I move him back into the household and whip him up a plate of Ambrosia, half as punishment, half because it felt a bit lonely.

Vito lasted.... Surprisingly well, but, well. this sentence is in past tence for a reason....

I also now age up Jase unto a teenager somewhere in this time, I think? i uh idontreemmber

Sky gets to the top of his career and is now constantly on the run from the Space Police

And, on the Saturday after I posted last blog, I had acquired MC Command Center, meaning LARGER HOUSEHOLD WOOOOOOO!!!!-

Well, I had made it larger as a joke, but someone saw it as a grand opportunity to... well.....

:Anne Maria starts playing:

So zaidan, in record time. Gets abducted, impregnated and gives birth. All in the matter of one real-life hour after raising the household cap.

(Also, the way I found out zaidan ws pregnant was so fucking hilarious, I was recording him and possessed Sky having the most fucking terrifying dinner date(?) I've never seen a possessed sim eating a bowl of chili whilst looking totally in love with someone, meanwhile the other sim is so completely fucking confused. And then he did the pregnant animation and i freaked the fuck out)

Possesssed sky says hi ✨️

Meanwhile Sky had his own child, well, Creation. Sky finally build a motherfucking servoooooo woooooo- whom upon entering my household, was assigned traits that practically made Sky the creator of a sociopathic robot I am not joking its the traits I have in my mods pls do-

but don't get too attached because,

One quick change later and Zaidan giving birth, I found out the hard way that I cannot edit my sims normally in a 9 sim household and have to go into the MC Menu and go into CAS from there, because Sky's servo swiftly evaporates from the gace of the earth, never to be seen again.

Zaidan's 5th chikd, Kurtz, grows up to be happy a conspiracy theorist and a pain in the fucking ass, just like his step-father, Dumbass

(Furute me here realising I forgot to mention the 4th, Luz, she's got a mohawk, she's an overachiver, she's a badass lesbian, okay moving on)

Speaking of pain in the asses, Vito gets stuck in a wall, in which case I use this comment to capture some of the most unflattering picture of a sim out there

And speaking of pain in the asses aga- yeah zaidan got pregnant again.... This is his 6th..... This one I named Rez, now this time Dumbass and Zaidan was raising Rez (Which Luz was not happy about as a child)

Thats all of week 1.... Now its on to the real chaos.... the we

Week 2

Week 2, I panic, realising I can't age up my werewolves, Haylee and Lucas up. Why? Because some stupid fucking idiot made them both immortal (me)

So after swiftly resetting and redoing all my werewolves perks (Thank MCCC that MC Command Center has that otherwise I'd of been fucked), I finally age up Haylee and Lucas, who both do not have a job still as I'm writing this.

Meanwhile, Sky has finally finished the Nerd Brain aspiration, meaning he can now Insta-Repair which honestly does fuck all AND INSTA-UPGRADE WOOOOO!!!!- So Sky's been upgrading everything, the stove, the fridge that keeps breaking, the toilets...

And that's when it all went wrong.

As per usual, Zaidan getting abducted, dumbass getting abducted,

Lucas are you sat in your sister's bedroom naked..?

Julien stop pissing on my living room flo-

Al the sudden, one of the toilets in the basement set fire to one of Zaidan's daughters, Luz. I'm panicking, thinking it was that bastard ghost who, idfk fucking planted a grenade in the fucking toilet bowl. I quickly get that sorted out, but I didn't know the true reason.

By now I've finally aged Kurtz into a child, yes it took this long....

But then, Zaidan bursts into flames, where? In the bathroom, it's now the first floor toilet, I'm panicking again, dumbass is there fucking celebrating meanwhile I'm screaming watching the firefighters tumble down through

Meanwhile, Zaidan:

A, Dosnt give 2 flying fucks.

B, stands there and does absolutely nothing

And C, Goes so feral that his eyes go red because he's tense and makes me giggle tf out.

oh and also D, grants me one of the best pictures I've had in ages

I also now have a video of dumbass casually wafting the air like it smells like shit as Lucas is screaming bloody murder beside him pointing at the fire right in front of them.

Ten seconds after that

NOW the UPSTAIRS toilet is on fire, and then another... and then another... and anothe- and zaidans getting fucking abducted again... and another

And then, the first death in a long while. Jase Conner, whom died not only by the toilet's murderous flames, but also by Lucas, who proceeded to only extinguish the fire after he had collapsed on the floor and died.

Considering Jase and Lucas were enemies before, I think Lucas had some intentions...

After which Dumbass and DEATH HIMSELF become BEST FRIENDS FOREVER????

anyway, these pictures later

Possessed sky looking at a burnt toilet

And... this...

Cough

And then, we have our second death, which came a little while after Jase's. Rez, who was still only a child, also died to toilet fire, because when I got him to extinguish himself in the shower, he glitched and stayed on fire, yet everyone else couldn't extinguish him because the game registered him as not on fire. And so, Rez dies to a glitch in the system....

AND THEN, FUCKING JULIEN AND LUCAS GET FUCKING ABDUCTED?

can you, can you guess what happened? I bet you can't, you will never guess, literally never guess, it is impossible to guess, can you guess it? Can you? Can you? Can you guess?

They both come back Fucking PRENGANT

I got some silly pictures of them, this one's just like: - "Julien, I don't fuckin' understand what's going on"

and he's just like - "I've seen this shit before"

I decided to keep only Lucas', who's named Kamila, because I don't trust julien anymore and I do not have the strength to take care of 2 toddlers.

I also, most recently, moved Rez's ghost back into the household.

And I leave off here. The household being Sky, Zaidan, Julien, Haylee, Lucas, Luz, Jurtz, Jase, Rez's Ghost and Kamila, a 10 sim household on it really ever dying, unless there's a really bad toilet fire that happens

Or Jase sets my Fucking STOVE ON FIRE

Some final images that didn't make the cut yk how it be

These two deserve their own segment

– " Zaidan how the fuq you end up like this!?"

– " Maybe the fact you made all the toilets... Flammable..??"

– " ...That was me??"

ok sorry sorry bye bye

Future Future me realising I didn't mention the fact that Vito evaporated mid-way through week 1 (he died from laughter)

[a-bit-too-much-of-a-pokemon-fan]

Pokémon B2W2: Hard Game. Don't Blind Nuzlocke it.

Despite being a bit too much of a Pokémon fan, until recently I had never played White 2. I played White, sure, but I don't think I understood in 2012 that these games were fantastic sequels to what I now think is my favorite game in the series. I was a stupid kid. This past summer, I wanted to make a change.

I looked on eBay for a used copy. Holy price scalping, Batman, is that a mess. I'm sorry, $80+ for a used ten year old Nintendo DS game? Bullshit. I got White 2 from the library instead. Yeah fun fact, your library probably has video games. Check it out.

I've already shared the amazing tale of Ponyboy, the previous user of that particular White 2 cartridge. But I reset the save with the intention to do a blind Nuzlocke. I had heard that B2W2 are among the hardest games in the series even on vanilla runs, so I went to r/Nuzlocke to ask for advice. One person very wisely commented "Hard game. Don't blind Nuzlocke it."

Instead of listen to them and just enjoy a vanilla first ever run of the game, I made a compromise. If it's so difficult, why not give each Pokémon two lives? Yeah, I know, cheating in possibly the most egregious way. I did keep track of it well, though. Mon dies the first time, mark it with a "CAUTION" triangle. It dies the second time, mark it with a circle--which looks like a stop sign on the DS screen--to show that its life has come to an end.

And you know what? It was certainly difficult. I was losing Pokémon left and right. I was playing with level caps, but not knowing what mons those opponents had. The one thing I "spoiled" myself on was wild Pokémon locations and levels, so I could route my encounters. That's how i found out about the guaranteed Eevee encounter in the Castelia City Park (repel at level 18 in the light grass, 19 in the dark grass).

I somehow managed to make it all the way to the Elite Four. My team wasn't amazing but it had some star players, Thaniel the Vaporeon among them. I took on Shauntal and Grimmsley, just scraping by. Then I went to Marshall. He did not let up. I eventually wiped. I lost my run. Most of my team had already used up their one life, but even to that point I ad never wiped in a battle.

Well, shit. It was my first time playing the game, and hell if I just don't finish it before returning it to the library. So I cheated again and took on the Elite Four once more. This time I beat all four, losing my entire team except Ultaria the Altaria. I honestly forget why I named her that. So there I was, standing in the Unova Pokémon League trying to figure out how I was going to beat Iris with a single Pokémon that happens to be weak to her STAB moves.

It's simple, really. I just force fed Ultaria every rare candy in my bag, went into battle, and set up with X Items to max out her stats. Then I swept. Was this the most legitimate way to Nuzlocke a game? Hell no. But did I have fun? Definitely. I think I wish that I had just done a vanilla run first to enjoy the game at my own pace and not have to constantly grind up new teams. That definitely informed my choice to do a vanilla run of Violet before Nuzlocking it.

A few months ago I bought a reproduction copy of White 2 and tried to Nuzlocke it again. That's a story for another post, though.