#an able bodied person not knowing what it's like to constantly fight doctors to take you seriously

[the-dot]

having a thought but dont have words and don't want to open myself to disk horse and i'm too tired to really be coherent. thoughts in tags because i'm a coward. this post was originally about how e*rovision trying to say their event isn't political is idiotic. it kind of got away from me because i've slept maybe 6 hours in the last 2 days

[seireitonin]

Can you make Toby headcanons

I can’t believe I haven’t already done this?? He’s literally all I think about lately. Also sorry for the lack of posts life is busy. Anyway! (Some of this will be canon)

“Ticci” Toby Head Canons

Toby was in and out of the hospital all his life

CIPA will do that for you

He constantly had to lie about the bruises he got from his dad while he was in the hospital

He didn’t want to be separated from his sister in foster care

Toby got bullied and outcasted at school

But he also was a bully kinda

The violence he was experiencing at home made him violent at school

He would beat people who teased him bloody

He’s impulsive and cynical but also empathic

He would use his body as a shield against his father to protect his sister and mother

Purposely behaving bad so he would get it the worst, sparing his sister and mother

Slenderman was trying to get both Lyra and Toby to become proxies and Lyra had been experiencing the slender sickness and seeing Slenderman

So she purposely crashed the car so her and Toby would both die, but he was none the wiser

Only Lyra died and Toby has survivors guilt

Not only because he’s alive but because Lyra was a better person in his eyes

She took care of him, she was sweet, she was gentle

Toby was rough, standoff ish, and rude

Toby thinks he deserved to die, not her

Wishes he died instead of her

Slenderman only targeted Toby after that

The hallucinations getting stronger and worse

Him seeing his dead sister

Constantly feeling sick

Toby looked at all his neighbors with jealousy

Why did they get the perfect suburban life?

Why was he given a life of suffering?

Slenderman was breaking him down day after day

On top of all that the abuse didn’t stop

Slenderman was able to take his mind over easily with all that Toby was going through

Toby’s grief, anger, sadness, pain and suffering making him unable to fight off Slendermans influence

The night he killed his father he was under Slendermans control completely

Only snapping out of his trance for a few seconds before being taken over again

He didn’t really want to kill his father but his body wasn’t his

Luckily he was able to snap out of the trance before he hurt his mom

But he still burned the neighborhood down, ready to accept death

Then Slenderman took him in

When he was 19 he acted a bit like the teen he never got to be

Not super upbeat but he was more playful and free

Masky and Hoodie do care about him, just in a rough love kind of way because they didn’t want to see him die

Also he was so young, they know what it’s like to loose your life and mind to Slenderman at a fairly young age

So they trained him hard and kept reminding him that he’s disposable so be careful and not so reckless with his body

Toby’s not only good with hatchets but knives as well

Also good at hand to hand combat and dodging

Has infinite stamina and is really strong and fast

Dated Clockwork from ages 19-24

He died at 25 but was resurrected by Slenderman and became possessed fully (which is another reason why he’s so sickly pale)

Slenderman attempted to make him kill Clockwork, but luckily some of Toby was still in there and he was able to hold back from killing her

She was able to fight him off easily after that but couldn’t bring herself to kill him

But she doesn’t want to see him ever again

The one man she trusted tried to kill her and it was too much for her to handle

Toby was heartbroken for months and killed a lot of people, letting himself become a puppet for Slenderman completely

Toby came to the realization that his body was never his to own

His body belonged to the doctors when he was a kid to experiment on, the shield to protect his family, a puppet for Slenderman to use, even his Tourette’s controlled him sometimes

Toby is bi but leans towards women because women were kind to him all his life

Total horndog

He can be manipulative but honestly it’s not on purpose he’s just scared to loose people

“You shouldn’t leave. You’re all I have. My family is gone. Please. You’re the only thing I love.”

Very clingy with people he cares about

Especially because he knows he’s a lot to handle

His emotions can change very quickly

Since his mind has gotten used to Slendermans influence, his memories come back in full force

He vividly remembers everything that happened to him and will sometimes have breakdowns

The memories come at random times too

He’s full of himself and not insecure at all

Blunt, rude, will say what he wants whenever he wants with no filter but is nice to people he likes

Constantly has bloody and bruised knuckles

Smells like the woods/ outdoors and campfires

Made a promise to his sister when they were young to never be like his dad. So he’ll never hit a woman he loves

Belive she’s not meant to be loved. Everyone who’s loved him has either died or left one way or another

Wears neutral colors to blend in with the forest

Touched starved, due to not getting much gentle touch and affection in his life

Wants a normal life so bad but knows that will never happen

Wants to have kids. He wants to be the man his father never was

Hides his face gash with bandages and gauze when he goes out in public

He’s handsome and he knows it. He uses that charm to lure in/ manipulate his victims

Dark brown eyes and hair and pale pink lips

29 years old

Started dating Nina at 27

Toby is 6’0 flat

Very lanky but his back and arms are toned because of constant axe throwing and swinging

Toby is much more mature now that he’s 29 but can still joke around and stuff

Has scars all over his body not only from his father, but fighting since he was 17

He’s so full of himself and cocky especially when he’s manic

He’s an extremely jealous person and can be very possessive especially over the person he’s dating

He’s just scared to loose anyone

Hes violent as hell when it comes to killing

Very very messy because he’s impulsive and reckless and doesn’t care about getting hurt because he doesn’t feel it

Sometimes will target abusive men and will beat them to death with his fists while looking them in the eyes, smiling

Just because he was manipulated into killing at first doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy it now

Because he really enjoys it

Especially when he’s angry or emotional

Still needs constant check ups and has to check for injuries on his body because he can’t feel them

Eats people on occasion. Since he chewed on his hands a lot he likes the taste of flesh

Likes fucking with his victims before he kills them sometimes. He learned that from Masky.

Has nightmares but doesn’t tell anyone about them

Doesn’t drink alcohol often because he really doesn’t wanna be like his dad

Midwestern emo

Looks like his mom. It makes him sad. He misses her.

When he’s by himself he wears grandpa sweaters and loose jeans

Nina is the only other person who can wear his clothes

Anyone else? No way.

Is close with EJ because of the constant medical checkups

Close with Jane too since Nina became friends with her

Actually can cook pretty well since he had to survive on his own a lot

His hair is mid neck and curly because he doesn’t bother to cut it

His beard is prickly and it started growing at 23

Has a bunch of piercings because he can’t feel pain (eyebrows, snakebites, tounge, septum, a bunch of ear ones) he also did it to match with Nina

His favorite food is ramen

His ADHD can make him upbeat and happy sometimes but it doesn’t last long

He likes to sit in the woods by himself sometimes and just enjoy his own company

He has quite the reputation working for Slenderman and all

Masky, Hoodie and Toby are called the triple threat

Hoodie handles ranged combat like guns. Masky is a hard hitting melee fighter, using crowbars, bats etc. Toby can do both by throwing hatches and using them in hand to hand combat. But he can also use his fists.

That’s all I got 4 now I’ll make a part 2 when I can remember more. Also this isn’t proof read sorry :3

[genderkoolaid]

As a trans and disabled person, I have no strong opinions on endo systems but I actively hate “transdisabled” people. Most of the community I see treats disability like an aesthetic, like I chose to have my legs not work and that I look cool in my chair. And yeah maybe I do look cool but my disability brings so much fucking pain it feels disrespectful to act like it’s something I should be happy about. If you’re not in pain, you’re not in pain. Gender is a social construct but disability (to an extent, and I’m talking about my disability which severely impacts my nervous system and also causes access tissue to grow leading to severe pain) is not a social construct. It is something I have to suffer through every fucking day and to try and co-opt and draw conclusions between me and someone who doesn’t have to go through that is so disrespectful to me. You do not want this, it is painful and frightening and I have a good chance of dying before 30. If you feel like you have these symptoms and can’t afford a doctor I have no hate against self dxing. But acting like you have a disability with no symptoms is just a plain fuck you to those who suffer from them everyday.

Again, if you feel transdisabled due to an underlying psychological issue, I wish you the best and I hope you’re able to access adequate mental health care. But you do not have what I have. Your body is not twisted, you do not wake up everyday in agony, your body is not destroying yourself and I find it horrific of you to act like it is. For me transableism feels like it is treating the fact that I have had to fight for every step I take, every place I go, every time I’ve collapsed in absolute agony, the nights vomiting my guts out because there is tissue growing where it shouldn’t be, the amount of times I’ve screamed my throat raw into a pillow because my nerves are on fire and simplify it into a flag or an identity is so fucking disrespectful. If you have the same symptoms as I do and it is unsafe to go to a doctor or the doctor won’t believe you, I’m sorry and I support your right to self dx and I hope you find medication that helps. If you have BIID I hope you can find the therapeutic help you need in order to feel at home in your body. But you don’t have the disability I do, not to say BIID isn’t a disability or it’s a lesser disability, but you do not have what I do and it is infuriating to me to say you have what I have without experiencing a fraction of the pain that I have Final message: I don’t want to say I hate transabled people or I wish harm among them because most of them are younger people. But I want you to think about how demeaning it is to tell someone who’s body is twisted and overgrown and painful to say you want to be like that? To say you’ve been through the same thing? Stop. I know you’re not trying to be, but you’re being ableist. Trans people transition through a social construct by my pain is not social. Please seek psychological treatment for your BIID and stop making those flags

Okay, first, I need to clear this up: I do not have BIID and I am not transabled. I am already physically disabled, I use mobility aids, I am in pain constantly, my ability to eat normally is fucked up, and my quality of life has been severely negatively affected by my physical disability, to the point where it has been a major component of why I have been suicidal. Trust me, I understand. I would be pretty upset if someone came up to me and said they were envious of my disabilities, because it's rude to act that way about someone else's suffering.

My problem is, everything you have said is the exact same reasoning cis women have for seeing trans women as offensive. There are many cis women who have lived lives full of horrific misogyny, who have been deeply traumatized by misogyny, who view womanhood as intrinsic suffering and pain. And they feel that trans women are extremely disrespectful, because how could they possibly know what it's like to suffer through horrific misogyny? How could they act like womanhood is some fun game full of pink and flowers when it has been a major source of trauma in your life? These cis women feel that trans women view womanhood as an aesthetic, they only see the patriarchal construct of femininity and think it looks like fun, and they are extremely offended by the idea that a "male" can just co-opt womanhood and try to act like "he" knows anything about the horrible, traumatic experience of being a woman.

Now, disability and gender are not the same thing, nor do they function the exact same. But its the same arguments, and the same gut reaction to seeing someone seek out something that causes you so much pain, and feeling like they are spitting on your pain by doing that. Its an understandable reaction, but not one that is based in connection with those people.

The more I read about people with BIID/transabled people and their experiences, the more I really feel for them. Their experiences of dysphoria are real, and lead many to the strong desire to hurt themselves in order to relieve it, in lieu of available surgery; many trans people can relate to that desire. Their experiences of euphoria are also real- the few people who have achieved their desired disability seem to, fairly consistently (although the data is Scarce), genuinely feel relief and are able to live happier lives. Here is one study on a man who had his leg removed and was very happy with it, and another one on 21 people who were able to get surgery- for that one, every single person said they didn't regret it at all. They felt happy with their bodies, free from depression, and overall felt their quality of life had improved extremely.

Again, I understand the gut reaction to seeing someone say that they are envious of amputees or that they wish they could be disabled. It's not an evil reaction, it's not a bad reaction. But their desire does not negate anyone's suffering, just like a trans woman's euphoria does not negate a cis woman's trauma. Their pain and their joy are real, and it does not negatively affect me, or you, for them to experience and pursue that joy. They can definitely be ableist, and be disrespectful to disabled people, but that is not an inherent part of BIID/being transabled. And there are people who are already physically disabled who are happy with their lives and are fine with being disabled, especially amputees; why should that be fine, but transabled people are warped fetishizing freaks? And, again, their desires are not hurting disabled people. All of the people in the above studies spent years thinking about their desires and what it would mean (which I think is important to point out, because if you are basing your entire view of a group on teens on Tumblr, you probably aren't going to get the most nuanced, coherent perspective). I think it's rude to suggest that other people, who have never met a transabled person, just inherently know that they are fetishizing and thinking being disabled is a fun game. Shouldn't we listen to them on their experiences? Writing all of them off as not understanding what it's like to be disabled is a generalization, and the same can be said for trans people- how do we damn transabled people in a way that doesn't give fodder for transphobes? I feel like solidarity between both groups can be used to fight for greater bodily autonomy, no matter how strange their desired body seems to the culture they are in.

All in all, I completely understand why you feel the way you do. As I said, I would not want someone to tell me, to my face, that I'm lucky to be disabled. But that's not what having BIID or being transabled means- and I do think there is some value in the radical statement that being disabled is not inherently a lesser existence than being abled, and people can and are able to be happy and love their lives and their bodies as disabled people. I don't think transabled people should claim that they are physically disabled (unless they have transitioned and do have that disability), but their desires are not inherently ableist or awful. Their dysphoria is legitimate and they have a right to seek body euphoria, the same as a trans person, or someone who wants tattoos, or someone who wants to get body modifications to look like a lizard.

[kamiko1234]

Listen I know I repeat myself sometimes but torturing Yukio is one of my favorite past times and it's just sooooo easy to make good angst with him.

Okay so hear me out : When Yukio "joined" the Illuminati, they acctualy used him as a test subject. They wanted to figure out if his body was usefull and figure out how exactly a child of Satan could end up human. Yukio obviously has a very bad time, the Illuminati don't to anything that could possibly kill him but that doesn't mean it's anything less painful.

It takes some time for Yukio to get rescued since he had to be tracked down and plans had to be made ect. But when Rin finally get's to freeing Yukio he has to realise that to his horror, his brother had become a shell of what he once was.

Rin isn't sure what they did to Yukio, but it must've been horrible judging by how his brother acts. Yukio is found in a holding cell bound to a bed with IVs in his arm. When Rin frees him he starts to cry, asking if this is some sort of dream or hallucination. Yukio is also horribly underweight. Turns out that he guy didn't have solid food ever since the Illuminati got ahold of him. They knew Yukio wouldn't be able to keep anything down with all the things they do to him so they just switched to giving him the bare minimum of nutrients and water to survive since they also wanted to keep Yukio weak to prevent him from escaping.

Everyone returns home and Yukio is sent on leave since he's in no condition to fight. Any sort of defiance was beat out of him by the Illuminati at that point, not to mention all the ptsd. To Rin it's like his brother reverted back into a kid. He cries and doesn't want to fight anymore. It's almost like Yukio is a completly diffrent person altogether.

Everyone tries to help ofcourse but they don't really know what to do. Yukio has developed immense seperation anxiety and is constantly pleagued by flashbacks and nightmares. He can't visit doctors or see medical equipment anymore without having a panick attack. He subconsiously starts clining to Rin since he views him as one of the few people acctualy feels safe around.

[newtonsheffield]

MOLLLLLYYYYYYY!!!!!

This chapter was B E A U T I F U L

I feel that their relationship was built in what we can call "the baz foundation". So, we can all agree that was a disaster waiting to happen.

Now they are building in the "let's be soulmates/ we are a definition of a healthy relationship/ let's discuss our offspring names" AND WHAT CAN BE BETTER THAN THAT?!

Sometimes in life, making a good clean and start over with all your cards in the table is just what the doctor recommends for the soul ❤️

I hope you are having an excellent week and that Greggy is giving you so much love!

Ps: Aristóteles says hi!

I think from the moment Anthony accidentally joked about Mary not being Kate’s mum something inside her sent up red flags and warning signals and judged him the same as her ex. And that’s not Anthony’s fault, he wasn’t to know that was a trigger for her, but it’s not Kate’s either.

She’s in a different place now though. A place where she can recognize that what she went through was actually really manipulative. It wasn’t just Baz cheating on her, he was emotionally manipulating her, distancing her from her support system and she learned to cope by not taking care of her own emotional needs because they weren’t met for a single second of that relationship.

But now Anthony knows that Kate is fighting a battle with herself, to let herself want things. And Kate knows that Anthony doesn’t think he’s enough both of them are ready, and able to meet the others needs when the time comes. Kate constantly reassures Anthony that there’s no one else she’d ever want to be with, even when Miles gets his diagnosis and Anthony feels like shit because he loves his son he just wishes that he was different. So Miles wouldn’t have to fight the way he did. And Kate nudges her nose with his and whispers

“Don’t talk about my favourite person like that.” While she lays his head on her chest and reads him the book that made him feel included for the first time in his life.

And Anthony’s there every step of the way for Kate as well. Leaving his hand on the table palm up when they got out, waiting for her to take it if she wants, his body curled around hers when she mumbles

“Can we just cuddle? I’m so tired.”

“Of Course we can.”

He even learned how to make candles based on his favourite moments of their relationship.

He tugs his beanie down over her head when they leave work and she’s cold because he loves her. And he cares about her and god help them, this is what real love looks like. No whatever that other dickhead offered her.

Aristóteles, you absolute king. A forehead kiss for you.

[cripplemetal]

Hi! I have a question. I'm a 20 year old woman with fibromyalgia since I was 16, chronic migraines, and hypermobile joints where I roll things and pull muscles, but I've never dislocated anything. I know this might have a long rambling answer (which I love) but I have a couple questions.

1. How do I get better about not complaining about my pain? It's really difficult for me because I'm surrounded by able bodied family and friends, except for my mom who also has fibromyalgia. She's just really good at not saying anything.

2. How do I deal with imposter syndrome or whatever? I constantly feel different, because some days I can just go and it's great and I don't really feel bad the next day. But other times, I can barely walk up the stairs or go to work. Like, I hate that I can function, but not consistently. And every time I have a not great day or a flare up, I feel really bad for asking for help. My friends and family love me and always help, I just feel bad about it.

3. Lastly, do you have any good answers to the question "if you had a chance to have your pain taken away, would you?" because I wouldn't and people are always shocked and I can't explain it.

Thank you so much for answering these and I hope you have a good day!

omg! hi! i'm sorry this will be a long post...

1.

and why would you want to stop complaining? do you actually want that? you have every right to complain and if it bothers anyone it's not your problem. not sure why you feel like you need to shut up about your pain, pain is HELLISH torturing.

and for myself i noticed that i can endure it better if i grunt and whine and complain. i'm sorry if it's not the answer you hoped to receive but i mean... that's my genuine answer-

2.

sameee + sending hugs + did you try gaslighting yourself into abled? :D

like, if you struggle with impostor syndrome which means your mind tries to tell you that you're faking it — if that's true, you should be pretty much able to convince yourself that you're healthy! it doesn't work??? oh i guess you're not abled.........

but seriously, it takes a lot of time, i still struggle. but like. you know. why would an able-bodied person live like this? who would ever choose to talk about pain, visit doctors, use mobility aids, spend days in bed doing nothing and dying from boredom, if they're perfectly healthy?

and having a good friend to be your abled reference (one of my last posts here lol) helps so much. she's here to verify that my experience is FAR from abled.

and if we're trying to take a different approach: what if i'm abled. i'm abled, totally healthy, and sooo bored that i like using mobility aids, lie about my pain and etc etc etc. who suffers from this? no one! who's hurt? no one! you're allowed to do ANYTHING that helps you or just simply brings you joy. of course you're disabled, but while your mind still fights the impostor syndrome — it's okay to think that you're just living you life how you want, because you're allowed. it's okay. you hurt no one.

3.

honestly i might be not the better person for this question because i would... i hate being in pain 24/7 with no pauses at all.

i certainly did witness other people explaining their choice so you can browse and search! i saw something like "disability made me who i am with my unique experience" (NOT A QUOTE, just trying to remember anything). anyway, there's a lot of people like you that you can address with this!

but sometimes, just sometimes, i'm okay with how i am. it's when i enjoy life in some ways, when pain isn't a crucial factor, when my body allows me to experience so many things and be happy, so if it does it even through pain — i'm grateful for this.

———————————

tbh i'm not sure i was the best help here, but i'm always open to asks and dms so. you're not alone!

[thedisablednaturalist]

so sorry ppl that cant read are sending you messages about those posts but i get it completely. rheumatologists and osteos and NP's want to hear more abt my decade old severe anxiety and depression and adhd and ~more~ diagnoses than chronic debilitating pain and just slap vitamin D pills on it and throw up their hands because "test results are weird idk what to tell u even tho i said it was this two weeks ago". abled friends and coworkers can have conversations about their mental health struggles but its looked at self pityingly if i bring up how my life is irreparably damaged by my physical disability because disabled people have to be strong and resilient to earn a place in their field and if you cant cut it just get on those snazzy disability benefits and let it get worse. i think a lot of abled ND people just cant accept that they do not experience the worst of life's struggles and that solidarity doesnt make us the same

I try to be understanding and answer peoples questions politely when I have the spoons and if they are genuinely confused bc I used to be ignorant as well about a lot of aspects of physical disability but it gets so tiring. Nowadays there are a ton of resources from physically disabled people talking about their experiences its actually quite easy to educate yourself on our struggles. Like sorry I get a little frustrated and rude when I'm constantly bombarded by ableism and rude ass people.

Also yeah that's exactly what I've been trying to say. Doctors can usually relate to people having mental health struggles and even some aspects of neurodivergencey. But they cannot understand someone looking completely fine and not being able to detect anything but complaining of horrible pain and constant tiredness outside of the lense of mental health. And if your mental health is managed or only suffering because you are in constant pain, they say you're faking, or OBVIOUSLY you just need to lose weight, or drink more water, or exercise more than any able bodied person does. People take one look at me and think the solution is obvious and I'm just too stupid or lazy to figure it out.

And me saying this isn't saying that mental illness is super easy to deal with. Its fucking awful as well and many doctors say this shit to neurodivergents as well. And this is especially true for poc and people with psychosis or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

I went to my first therapist in my sophomore year of highschool and got medicated that same year. I started investigating my health issues in college freshman year and have JUST gotten actual results from treatment. SIX fucking years later. SIX fucking years of CONSTANT PAIN. And I have great insurance and a great dad who just wants me to feel better (my mom is a different story). My parents are sort of upper middle class and I live in a very privileged area. Of course that means I can't afford to move out even with an ok salary, but at least there are plenty of doctors around to choose from and plenty of appointments available. I can't imagine how long it takes someone without those advantages. And even still I had to fight to be listened to, I had to listen to so much bs from doctors and had to go from doctor to doctor begging for someone to listen.

Like they really don't get how unbelievably hard it is to get care for physical disabilities, visible and invisible. If you're visibly disabled you get treated like a child and a monster and you're isolated from society. If you're invisibly disabled you get laughed at by doctors and ignored. If it's hard for you guys imagine that difficulty increased by 100%.

I try to be really visible when I'm working in a position I know has my back. I really try to educate young people and children on what my disability looks like and I hope disabled kids and kids who eventually become disabled can see me and know that their lives are valuable and they are valuable. And it is possible to find joy in your life and reasons to keep living. And employers shouldn't be able to throw away our resumes and pay us less just cause we may need a little extra help. I know what everyone thinks when they see me in my wheelchair and using my walking sticks and when I tell them I need to take a break as I'm running out of spoons. I know their first thought is what the hell am I doing here if I'm in so much pain? When people see me by myself in my wheelchair they think I must have gotten lost and separated from my abled handler. I love my job, I love what I do, and I want to be able to keep doing it. But I can't work as long as an abled person, I can't do it without accommodations. Hell abled people shouldn't be working as long as they do either. I wish to live a life where I'm free to do the work I love without killing myself and still be able to live a comfortable life. Every disabled person, working or not, deserves to live a comfortable life.

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

[smallestapplin]

:O other people like Ice-type Red! Yay!!! I've had that bc for a while now and it's fun to see others talking about it!! Fav head canon right there!! Him being specifically related to Glalie is super cool!

I have my own hcs I wanna share :)

When Red leaves his mountain, or goes anywhere warm, he begins to "sweat out" his cold resistance. In reality his body isn't use to having to regulate his body temperature to keep him from over heating, so he's really building up his heat resistant (I think it would be funny if he never noticed it was the other way around. It's normal not to get cold in the winter right?)

Lapris noticed immediately and constantly tried to baby Red before he was aware. Constantly, and I mean constantly giving the child ice to nom on. Red really appreciated the free food

Larpis failed to inform Red about this. Larpis thought he knew, he did not

Red can subsist off of ice. Like he can just eat ice and it will make him less hungry. This is what eventually made him realize his ice-type thing going on. All his other Pokemon, especially Snorlax, are deeply worried and confused when he eats ice as a meal. Stop!! That!! It's probably not good for you!! Eat some real food!! Larpis, however, approves

Red's mom used to take ice away from him because eating ice is supposed to be bad for you, but the doctors noticed that no matter how much ice Red are his teeth weren't damaged. She thought he had an iron deficiency for the longest time, as ice chewing is a symptom of that

The fact that he was able to walk up Mt Sliver in shorts and a t-shirt should of been the thing that tipped him off, but being a Pokemon master never afforded him critical thinking skills

By the time he's in Aloa he has near perfect control of his ice-type powers. Blue uses him as a cold pack fucking constantly. Tho in the hotter months he sometimes takes ice baths to deal with the overwhelming heat when he can't on his own

Red is very curious as to why he's only see psychic and ghost trainers show off their abilities and types. I feel like he'd wonder if the buff fighting type trainers were fighting types themselves. He and Pikachu get into a long argument about this, later he probably argues about this with the researcher as well

Red's body temperature has been steadily dropping as he's gotten older. Less to do with aging, and more to do with being in his element. Before he went to Mt Sliver he was just slightly colder than the average person, a chill baby if you will, nothing weird here. During Mt Sliver his body temperature is so low he should of died from hypothermia at least five times now. After Mt Sliver hes more chilly to the touch

Charizard is very annoyed that Blastoise and Lapris get most of the cuddle time, but also doesn't want Red putting his cold feet on Charizard's tail so cuddling with Snorlax will have to do

Yes, Red does sometimes sleep in Lapris's pool. It's nice in there and Venusaur can stop warbling about the likelihood of him drowning. He's fineeee

Yes, Pikachu does brag to Charizard about having fur

Lapris eventually teaches Red how to do some Ice type moves (local couch sealing researcher is dying to know if Red can only remember the same amount of moves as a Pokemon, or a different amount)

You think Red would feel a vibe coming from Glalitite bc he's part Glalie? If so the researcher would likely ask him if he can mega evolve. The question is so confusing that Red just wanders out into the snow storm to an ice lake where they can't follow to have a small think existential crisis in peace

By the time of Aloa when Red has ""reentered"" society, and by reentered I mean got a higher tolerance for people so was less likely to fuck off to some mountain, he has a habit of buying frozen food and just eating it as is in front for people just to see their reactions. Blue has never hated him this much

Red's typing and part Pokemon status has nothing to do with his ability to understand pokemon and communicate with them. Weirdly enough many psychic trainers struggle with understanding pokemon as much as the average person. That's a different brand of Red weirdness, unconnected to the first one

👀👀👀 goddamn these are amazing.

This was dope to wake up to.

[noodleswithsoba-blog]

Renaru Kaenshita: The Blazing Flame Hero, Hinokami!

This is for a My Hero Academia OC, my main boy. He's mainly inspired by Kyojuro Rengoku from Demon Slayer hence the GIF, but he's very different. This is a very, very long post.

Backstory.

Renaru Kaenshita was born on the 21st of June to his mother Tekka and father Akihito. They both love him very much and is their only child. Unfortunately Akihito's past came back to bite him and he had to leave his cute little son and beloved wife behind to minimize his sentence in Tartarus as well as protect them from her older brother Enji Todoroki.

Renaru was raised as well as Tekka could raise him, but when he was born it was revealed that he had a rare genetic disability with quirks called Quirk Palsy.

Quirk Palsy takes a normal quirk and messes with whatever the quirk is, adding undesirable affects or debilitating the owner of the quirk. Unfortunately, Renaru got the second one, having his muscles constantly burning from his own quirk which we will get to later.

As such, Tekka didn't really know how to raise her son, Quirk Palsy was practically a new science back then and nobody really knew how it worked because of all the different offshoots of it.

Luckily for Tekka however, she figured out that putting Renaru's flaming hair out seemed to do the trick. But knowing her precious little boy wouldn't be happy that way she pretty much marched her way across creation to find a way to get her boy the care and accomadations he needed.

She found her answer from the same doctor that took care of her husband for years, having the same issues as Renaru does. Renaru went through a few years of surgery and got his first set of Compression Bands that focus his quirk through the newly rerouted paths his flames go, so instead of his muscles they come out of his hands and feet like they should.

Tekka was told that Renaru would probably not be able to walk or have a full range of motor skills, but that didn't stop her from insisting that her son isn't limited and WILL walk.

And he did.

With some difficulty but still, he did it. From a young age the boy admired and adored his mother, who through every hardship would smile and tell him...

"It'll take way more than that to keep your Mama down!"

His home life was tough, with his mother struggling to get back into fighting shape, the Quirked Boxing League almost forgot about one of it's brightest stars.

Renaru would often be given his mother's portions at mealtimes because it was far more important to keep him fed and happy. That fostered a small seed of something that would grow into a mighty young hero.

Throughout his young life, Renaru faced days where Tekka wasn't sure where their next meals were coming from, just barely scraping by and even working the land if they had to.

Tekka always fought her hardest. Something Renaru would copy. Constantly fighting every day to exist. However, they always had less than their fellows.

His motive to being a hero is simple.

Do his best and take care of his mother. Save as many people as he can. Even if his body breaks and his muscles give out. He will never quit.

Not when he needs to fight to see his father again.

Personality.

Renaru is a very passionate young man. Learning from his mother the drive to always embrace who you are and what you can do. The moment she gave him the portion of food that was rightfully hers was the moment his self sacrificial nature was born.

Unlike Izuku's however, Renaru's more of a big picture kind of person. Izuku throws himself in the way because that's what heroes do. Renaru puts himself at risk because he knows what the people he's protecting have.

Families.

Friends.

Lives to go back to. He can't let them die because they have way more than he ever had. (Object wise, foodwise, clothing wise, family wise, everything.)

He has a very compassionate view of civilians. They're just scared, they need help and he's there to help. Doesn't matter what he has to do to keep them safe because their lives mean way more to him than his own.

Renaru constantly swallows his needs down. Putting others before himself to his own condition and body's detriment. That's not to say he's entirely heroic.

He does have the capacity for vicious grudges, especially against his Uncle Enji. Not to the point of Dabi's grudges but his anger at his uncle isn't completely wrong.

Renaru tends to overthink or overachieve when it comes to assignments, getting them done way earlier than they have to be. They're all very elaborate but it doesn't help that he's half asleep in class all the time.

He does do Boxing in his free time, learning it from his mother and training every chance he gets. He has a very infamous sweet tooth, loving anything sugary, cakey, or anything sweet at all.

Deep down he feels as though he needs to constantly be strong, constantly be better than he was before. Also he adores challenges. Just the idea of fighting someone stronger and still outwitting them or outdoing them makes his heart race, something he got from his father.

He absolutely can't stand bullies or anyone who pushes others around. He has a very famous rivalry with Bakugou, who respects him because even despite his limits he still punched him hard enough to knock him out.

Renaru is really sweet towards the girls. Not to a creepy degree, he IS dating Ibara after all, but he wants them all to know that they're safe with him.

In terms of villains, he DOES see where society has failed them as it had failed him too. But his sympathy ends when innocent people who have nothing to do with them or their goals get in the way.

He doesn't really believe in killing them at all. But there's a limit to that. If you kill so many people without regard for their lives or the people they cared for, then he's gonna end you but respectfully.

He hasn't met Rei, Fuyumi, or Natsuo.

His hair often belies his emotions. Embers and bright means happy or fired up.

Blazing means angry or determined.

Sputtering means tired or sad.

Out means he's literally out or is inches away from having an outburst of emotion. In that case you either made him so happy he's about to burst into literal flames or you made him so angry it's taking him a bit to register the feeling.

Quirk.

Quirk Name: Inner Inferno.

Quirk Type: Emitter.

Quirk Description: Renaru can emit flames from his hands and feet to use for combat and mobility! However, his quirk can leave burns on his arms and legs, and can sometimes burn through his muscles if he's not careful, so focused and short bursts are the way to go for him!

Also, overuse will lead to Overheating as well as immobility. If that happens, get him to a cold bath, stat! The water will help cool him down and soothe his muscles.

As a consequence of his Quirk Palsy, he moves slower and can't hold objects all that well, and has a high metabolism to keep his body running at tip top shape.

Class.

In UA, Renaru is part of Class 1B because Aizawa wouldn't take him and UA had two open spots for students with QP. Here's some of his relationships with some of the other students!

Tetsutetsu: Rival turned best friend. In the Junior Tourney of the Quirked Boxing League, Renaru faced Tetsutetsu in the finals. It was a knock-out, dragout fight to the damn near finish but it solidified a lifelong friendship. They train together and argue over who would win in a fight a lot, but they're the equivalent of two best bros.

Kendo: They're very nice to each other, sometimes both corralling Monoma but they respect each other and keep up a friendly enough rapport.

Monoma: He bothers Renaru in a way he can't even describe. Maybe it's the pure smarm tpwards 1A? Either way, in other situations he's completely okay with him.

Kinoko: He helped her gain a lot of confidence in herself. Helping her get stronger and better with her shyness. He nudges Kuroiuo and her together.

Setsuna: Oho boy, Setsuna flirts with this boy and flusters him to no end, but he ends up being a bit of a wet noodle about it. But she likes him because he doesn't let her get under his skin.

Love Interest.

Ibara Shiozaki is Renaru's love interest and childhood friend. Meeting as neighbors when they were small children, Ibara and Renaru constantly orbited each other during their schooling.

As (in my AU.) a half foreigner and having a mutant quirk, she was constantly bullied and ridiculed for it. Doubly so with Renaru by her side. But every time they tried to hurt her, Renaru would start fighting them.

At the end of it all, she'd be crying or patching him up the best she could with her vines. Often worrying for his safety or even handling some of the fighting herself if he was already ragged.

Of course that got them in trouble, but their time together all but strengthened their bond. One summer's day, in fact the day before his birthday, Ibara confessed her feelings.

Renaru was so happy he cried the entire rest of the day. Ibara is his anchor, and he's her anchor too. It's a sweet partnership.

And that's a wrap!

I hope you all enjoyed! If you have any questions or comments my Askbox is open! I think? I haven't posted as often on here as I'd like but I hope you all enjoyed either way! I'll have a little fic out with Renaru and Ibara soon so be on the lookout!

[mymbliez]

Brain injuries & criminal behaviour

As we know from decades of research about the brain, each area is in charge of its own functions and abilities. The sections of our brains work constantly to keep our bodies and minds going and to allow us to function in our daily lives. From the things we take for granted like blood circulation and temperature control, to the complex processes of problem solving and storing new information. The brain is the control center of everything that makes us our unique selves, but sometimes even the brain makes mistakes. On this week’s edition of the What’s Up Blog, we will be discussing brain injuries and criminal behaviour. 

What would happen if one day, for some reason, your brain was no longer able to function typically? That is the reality for approximately 165,000 Canadians each year, which is one person every 3 minutes (BIC, n.d.), that sustains a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). That means that during the time it takes you to read this blog post, around 3 people would have experienced the devastating effects of TBI and will live with those effects for the rest of their lives. The CDC describes TBI as an injury that affects how the brain works. They can be caused by a bump, blow, jolt, or penetrating injury to the head (CDC, 2022). Once the nerve cells of the brain die, they can never be brought back, as they do not regenerate. Fast action needs to be taken to reconnect the vast chains of neurons that have been damaged before they die. If survivors cannot gain access to treatment due to economic, regional, cultural, or other barriers, their lives can be changed forever. 

One of the most common stereotypes about individuals with brain injuries is that it makes them more violent and aggressive. This can be true, because certain areas of the brain control our emotional regulation and impulse control, but everyone has the ability to display aggression. Those of us with a normally functioning brain are just able to control our feelings and use critical thinking to find better solutions to our problems. A study by Umbrasas (2020) showed that out of 80 participants charged with criminal offenses, 20% had a history of mild TBI. A Swedish study by Fazel, et al. (2011) found that individuals with TBI showed a significantly increased risk of violent crime. Instead of treating these individuals as “mindless criminals”, I believe that we as a society should support them and increase our understanding of brain injuries. Without access to proper treatment, criminal behaviour is just one of the possible outcomes. This was the case for one UK survivor, Bryon Schofield. 

In August of 2010, Bryon and his brother were violently attacked by a group of men while walking through an alleyway. Schofield was hit with a hammer during the incident and was diagnosed with a brain hemorrhage and skull fracture. His injuries were so severe that he was placed in a coma for 3 days and a part of his skull was removed to let pressure escape from the bleed. He was discharged 6 months later, despite losing most of the strength in the left side of his body, having poor short-term memory, and slurred speech. His doctors recommended that he seek specialist rehabilitation, but he was denied due to a lack of space in the facility. His mother became his full-time carer and he worked tirelessly for 2 years (without formal treatment) to regain his independence. 

Only 3 months after Schofield moved into his own apartment, he recognized his attackers at a party held by his friend. He claims that he was unable to stop himself when he began the fight that led to his arrest. In prison, he was unable to care for himself and had to be paired with a cellmate to help him with his daily living needs. 7 months after his arrest, a representative of the Disabilities Trust told the court that Schofield was too ill to serve his prison sentence and he should instead be sent to a rehabilitation facility. The court accepted this proposal and Schofiled was given an 18-month sentence at Daniel Yorath House, where he underwent daily therapy and rehabilitation for his injury. By the time he had completed his sentence, he had learned daily living skills, emotional regulation skills, impulse control, and was ready to live independently. Neuropsychologist Dr. Ivan Pitman, who works for the Disabilities Trust, asserted that Bryon Schofield would have never committed a crime if it weren’t for his brain injury (Menon, 2018). 

This story is just one of thousands of stories about brain injuries and criminal behaviour. Although this one had a happy ending, with Bryon getting the treatment he deserved, many individuals are not this fortunate. Revisions to the treatment and care methods used for survivors of TBI could change this reality. To learn how you can help or make a donation, visit the Canadian Brain Injury Association. You can also sign the online petition to enact Bill C-277, which would establish a national strategy for the treatment of acquired and traumatic brain injuries. Thank you for reading! 

[scribblestatic]

He stays around the little town, though he doesn't stay in the shelter. Getting food is easy from the forest, but he also does little helpful things to get money for weiners-on-a-stick. Though, recently, he's been affording enough to get hot dogs. They're better.

His shoes have a problem. They can't stand up very well to his speed, so he's constantly needing to tape and repair them. There's not much else he can do to help the situation, but it's fine

...Just to kinda speed through things:

He sticks around town but goes into the forest for days at a time to enjoy openness and freedom

During one of these runs, he comes across Dr. Robotnik causing trouble

He uses his super speed to destroy the robots, much to the doctor's irritation

Noticing that the man is rather egg-shaped, Sonic starts thinking of him as Eggman

During another run, he comes across Miles getting bullied

He stops the bullying and Miles decides to follow him around

Miles asks what his name is, and after hearing Miles talking about his "supersonic speeds", he calls himself Sonic using nonverbal language

Miles sees that Sonic refers to him by spinning his fingers, and realizes Sonic's maybe calling him Tails

Considering how positive Sonic is about his tails, he accepts the nickname with pride

Sonic and Tails go on several adventures together from then on

Sonic has no memories of the ARK. While looking at Eggman makes him think of someone he once knew, it doesn't trigger much in him other than the desire to be careful around this strange person.

And talk.

He really wants to talk to him for some reason. But his muteness is persistent, so he doesn't try yet. Instead, he uses his body language to communicate with him, teasing the doctor, gleeful at his responses.

Tails is helping him after a while, too, and they both help the town and get rid of Eggman's bots. Eventually, Sonic gets enough money for new shoes, but they break while Sonic is battling Eggman.

Much to his surprise, during the next time they meet, Eggman gives him shoes.

"You're my enemy, but you should at least be able to fight at your strongest! I won't beat someone who is already down. That makes me look weak!"

Sonic puts on the shoes, and indeed, after running, they don't break. Sonic smiles up at Eggman.

"Thank you."

His voice is rough, soft, and whispery. Dry from disuse.

But Eggman hears it all the same, harrumphing after a bit before he tries to take Sonic down once again.

After that, Sonic starts speaking in bits. Not much, but getting used to his voice.

Eventually, he can hold full conversations, using a snarky, cocksure attitude.

Over the years and over the adventures, he becomes Sonic the Hedgehog, the hero who runs faster than the speed of sound.

He gains friends from the future, from other dimensions, from around the world.

He gets killed, comes back to life, then kills god (something no one but he remembers). He becomes a king, becomes a powerful djinn, becomes the savior of planets and worlds alike. He fights, and sometimes kills, other creatures and beings that threaten his home, rehabilitates those who change their ways, and befriends people who might have a different way of doing things, but mean no harm at large.

Like Knuckles, who doesn't really need rehabilitating, he was just mistaken. And now, he's one of his best friends.

Like Rouge, who has a thing for theft, but hey, he's broken into G.U.N. bases before to take back the Chaos Emeralds, so pot, meet kettle.

Like Jet, who is a grade A for asshole, but can be reliable when the time is right.

Like Shadow, who he manages to convince not to destroy the whole world in the name of Maria.

Maria...

Sonic doesn't dwell on that name much, not around others.

But in his private time, sitting out alone or on his runs, he does think.

The name sounds familiar.

A bit infuriating. A tad frustrating.

Painful.

He's not sure why. It's not like he's met the girl, and what he does know of her from Shadow's accounts and videos of the late Professor Robotnik, she was a wonderful girl who loved an earth she could never live on. If anything, it sounds like Sonic would've gotten along with her. That they could've been friends.

But there's a muddy feeling inside of him whenever he thinks of that name. So, he doesn't think about her often. Nor of her grandfather, whose name also brings a strong sense of discomfort.

And so, Sonic ignores these things that, in the end, don't mean much at all.

He ignores it until he can't.

Until Dr. Starline forces Eggman back into evil after he was so, so close to being good.

After the Metal Virus starts.

[catdreamphilosopher]

How do you know when you are around a person, place or thing that is not good for you?

Now some of these happen simultaneously or in a different order. Each person and their experience is different.

Step 1:

You will feel unlike your normal baseline self. You are noticing that you are becoming more angry and irate. You may have thoughts of revenge or violence towards the person, place, or thing. This is common in severe abuse cases with cognitive dissonance. You may not be able to name what is happening but you will know how you feel. It will be consistently negative. You will feel that YOU have changed for the worst. That is the first sign.

Step 2:

You may become physically ill. You may begin to experience recurring illnesses not related to a previous disease or obvious behaviors to cause an illness. You may constantly have headaches, dizziness, nausea and vomiting, stress acne, aches and pains in the body, a very stiff neck that you can't seem to find relief for, unexplained UTIs so on and so forth. These are subtle symptoms to many things so you may not truly be aware of what's making you sick. You may go to doctors and they claim there is nothing or they don't know what caused it. You may feel tormented in your mind of emotions that you previously never felt or you feel like are not like you. You may feel all out of sorts around the person, place, or thing but feel relief when they or it is gone and you are simply away.

Step 3:

You are unable to sleep. You sit awake with an unsettling feeling. You may toss and turn. You may experience heightened paranoia at night only but be fine during the day. This is common if you are being abused at night when you are asleep. You will feel this fear deep within that you are being watched. You will feel like things are different or don't feel right when you awake. You may notice things moved around or messed with. You will simply be unable to sleep because of fight or flight and your body will feel like it needs to stay awake and keep watch. Maybe you will see an increase in nightmares, that are oddly realistic or feel real and you remember them easily when you awake. A slow loss of sleep is also an indication, maybe your sleep was fine and now you realize you are getting less and less hours. The person, place or thing is keeping you awake with chaos or deliberate distraction.

Step 4:

The person, place, or thing is causing you disturbance. This is not like your sister playing guitar hero in her room while you nap, it will be more insidious than that. Slamming cabinets, slamming pretty much anything and everything, always talking loudly, yelling across the space or in your face, taking your things, breaking your things and playing innocent, crazy making, doing obvious annoying things and playing coy, stomping around, constantly and consistently making jokes or bullying at your expense, ganging up on you with others, talking badly about you but making sure it gets back to you, huffing and puffing under their breath. On the surface a reasonable person may ignore these behaviors or they could just be explained away. However, to the target you will feel uneasy when it's occurring. It will always mainly happen around you or to you and not others. The environment will feel chaotic and overstimulating constantly and you will notice yourself growing more tense, unable to relax and feel at peace.

Step 5:

At this point you will be experiencing straight up physical or verbal altercations. If it's a thing it will no longer function for you to your benefit. Always breaking. These dangers can happen to you or around you and you will be terrified. You will be in flight or fight when it occurs. If there is an increase in violence or unease, feeling unsafe. Feeling like you need to run away or escape. This is the most obvious of threats and due to trauma bonds, or needs being met us humans still struggle actually running away from this but this is what leads to the next step. It is a precursor.

Step 6:

Something or someone else will inform you of anything at all that will shatter all illusions you held. Maybe you come across a youtube video talking about exactly what you're experiencing and you can put a name to it. Maybe someone tells you a consequence of the person, place, or thing that will harm you to the point of no return, or a betrayal you never knew about. You will know with 100% certainty that you need to walk away for your safety and wellbeing. You will no longer be able to ignore, repress, drink it away, smoke it away..etc. You will now and forever see the truth. You will not be able to stay without significant consequences to your mind, soul, or body.

All of these things usually lead people into a spiritual awakening of sorts where they begin to unlearn all of the maladaptive things they've been taught intentionally and unintentionally. Remember we are constantly being shaped by our environments good and bad. There are no classes that teach these things to preemptively avoid them. These are things that people live through on a daily basis still. They start off slow and subtle and even the brightest struggle under their conditioning. No human being is immune to negative conditioning. Whether you actually come from a good background or have a supreme education. This is useful for everyone. Once you gain awareness of this it becomes easier to spot. That is my goal with this post and I pray it finds who needs it.

Maybe you had a feeling and you just didn't know what.

[alanshee-keeper-of-realms]

Are you okay?

I will warn you guys this is a little bit long because well,

To be honest that question is loaded physically no I'm not okay mentally neither here nor there doing well as I can be.

You might be asking what is going on physically I am a chronically ill individual and the latest added to my list is post covid syndrome and especially when people say covid isn't bad. I tell them to leave anymore because of the rage it triggers

So what is Post Covid Syndrome, basically for me the fight will never stop against Covid the day I caught it was the day that I permanently have it my body is just too weak to battle it off in its entirety.

A great example is polio as polio did this as well and in a cruel sense of irony my grandfather had Everlasting effects of polio we joke constantly with this diagnosis that I got the cruelest of inheritances while he suffered effects from polio the rest of his life I am suffering from the effects of Covid. Sadly he passed in 2021 and I constantly wish he was here,

With post covid syndrome you have all the symptoms of having covid without being contagious, there are over 200 recorded symptoms of this illness

For me that is having several neurological and cardiac problems. I in fact have a cardic halter monitor right now in order to figure out what exactly is going on with my heart as it continues to spike randomly for unknown reasons.

They also recently found endometriosis and adenmosis of the organs

Alongside the Hypermobile Elhers danlos syndrome, absence seizures and numerous of other issues physically my body is extremely tired

My doctor says I may look 25 but in reality my body is probably closer to that of a 40 to 50 year old.

Some days mentally, I'm fine with this, other days it's exhausting I don't know how I carry on but I do and this is just me being honest this is the reality of chronic illness.

I think what helps me carry on is my partner the Ninjago people may laugh but I actually have a partner named Kai and they are just as passionate and fiery as the Ninjago version with a little bit of Jay sprinkled in for extra spice and Gremlin nature but I love them so much and they have been so supportive as hell even on the days I question myself whether they should stay they are so stubborn and tell me I'm not broken like I say I am.

And then my folks, I would be homeless at 25 years old if it wasn't for my parents. I have tried going for governmental help, the only help I've received is a food card and insurance but when it comes to my basic needs such as shampoo and stuff like that I have no income they take care of that

You might be asking why I don't find a job I've tried. People think we're so forward-thinking until you become disabled and you're being passed up for an able-bodied individual.

Especially someone like me who is in a wheelchair even though with slight adaption I can work just as well in fact I can work quicker.

The only reason I'm in a wheelchair is because of the post covid and EDS as both my hips have now sub-lexed meaning partially they have come out of socket and then post covid has left me with the inability to walk long distances basically my legs feel like they're lead weights and they are on fire when I try and this is coming from someone who used to hike and run just two years ago.

But I keep myself mentally busy with writing art and cosplay.

The OSDD system they have their own ways of thinking on the body situation, this is mine personally.

Thank you for asking, I'm sorry this was so long but I hope you're doing well Anon.

[yandere-romanticaa]

REPOST. because I couldn't find the original. This also really bloody old so take it with a grain of salt.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘈𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘸 𝘑𝘦𝘬𝘺𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘌𝘥𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘏𝘺𝘥𝘦.

yandere! oc.

A well beloved doctor living in London, Andrew has made quite a name for himself! All of his patients are very happy with his work as he is able to always diagnose them properly and give them the correct medicine - truly a divine blessing in this day and age. He's a cheerful gentleman in his mid to early thirties who always has a gentle smile on his face. He is very fond of children and he does not mind babysitting them whenever someone asks him to do so, making him popular with parents and single mothers especially. During the day time he is filled to the brim with work but he always makes time to have afternoon tea, chat with his servants, or just try to enjoy life in general. A truly kind man in the eyes of many!

Alas though, when darkness overcomes his manor a new side of the good doctor surfaces, a side that no one knows about.

And Andrew plans to keep it that way.

There are many, many things that the doctor desires, craves, needs. But he is stuck in the same place day by day as he is forced to play his role of the savior. Even the good doctor Andrew likes to indulge himself from time to time... But that indulgence has gotten out of hand. By sheer accident Andrew was able to create a special elixir which is able to shift him in to a completely different person. His body is different, his hair is different, everything is different. His psyche however, remains the same.

Andrew uses this newfound knowlege to his advantage.

Dubbing his new alter ego "Edward Hyde", Andrew is pleased to do what he wants once the sun sets. He messes with the townfolk, he shamelessly flirts and seduces any woman he sees, he picks on the young and the poor, nothing is off the table. This becomes a habit very quickly as Edward is soon well known among the city. Some flee and flinch at the mere mention of his name while others scoff and prepare their fists for a fight. Things continue like this for a while until Andrew notices that whenever he changes in to Edward, his mind is no longer fully his. Even throught the day as he sits in his office he can hear a gruff voice at the back of his mind, telling him to just finish the damn paperwork already. He starts hearing this voice everywhere and begins to think that he is going mad. The voice taunts him day after day until he finally turns in to Hyde. Only then is he able to feel some inner peace. Andrew soon starts to lose control over himself as the voice grows louder and louder, yelling at him and commanding him to do its bidding. Every day now turns in to a battle as Andrew struggles to get out of bed and face himself in the mirror... But that's the catch. On one fateful morning the reflection he sees is not his own.

It's Hyde's.

And their release indeed came, but not in the way they thought it would.

It came in the form of love. Love for a sweet darling, a twisted obsession and want over this special little lamb who stumbled in to their lives by sheer accident, at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Andrew and Edward remain grateful still.

The pushing and pulling dies down whenever (y/n) is in the room and their attitudes are completely different from each other. Oh, if only (y/n) knew just what sort of danger awaits...

🎀 ANDREW JEKYLL. 🎀

Ever the gentleman, Andrew always places his darlings needs before his own. He worries for his sweetheart constantly as he dotes on them, making sure that they are safe and happy. Did his darling eat today? Did his darling sleep well? He won't ever stop asking these questions whenever he sees them, he just can't help himself! He never shuts up and he always seems to forget what he is trying to say but that's okay, his darling doesn't seem to mind.

Andrew stays gentle like that for a while as he treats his darling like divine royalty which does not go unnoticed by the people around him. He hears his servants whisper many things once he turns his back but he can't help but to blush a little - he may act a little awkward but in reality he really doesn't mind.

Andrew is also willing to bend over backwards and break his spine to get his darling whatever their little heart desires. He has more then enough money then he knows what to do with anyway! He wants his darling to depend on him, he wants to be darlings only one true protector. He wants to provide for his darling like a good husband would.

Andrew often loses himself in these little fantasies that he gets distracted from his work, causing him to mess something up or to accidentally spill or destroy anything around him. It's a vicious cycle of endless pinning as Andrew just doesn't have the guts to express his feelings, much to Hyde's annoyance and amusement. Cracks will start to form deep within him as Andrew tries to restrain himself more and more whenever he is around his darling. His smiles are not entierly his own anymore as he stares his darling down like a piece of meat. Andrew hungers for darlings love and approval which in a way, does make his darling a piece of meat to him. 

No matter what he just can never get enough of his darling, ever. The cheerful smiles thrown his way are not enough, and good grief just the mere brush of darlings fingers against his own is enough to send Jekyll in to a panicked frenzy. He loses his composure right there and then as he is forced to look his darling in the eye and do... nothing. He can't do anything he desires, he can't grab his darling by the back of their neck and press those pretty little lips against his own.

He can't caress the love of his life freely in public.

Hell, he can't even touch them without someone making a fuss.

Everything, everyone, is slowly driving him mad.

His love is driving him mad.

Andrew's affection starts to turn conditional, he can only ever shower his darling with gifts if they behave how he wants them to, if they pay enough attention to him, which is of course never quite enough.

His sanity fades as lovesickness kicks in.

His patience is wearing thin. What's taking his darling to love him back already? Hasn't he done everything any ideal lover would do? He has done literally everything, it must be his darling! It can't be his fault! His soft spoken words soon turn sharper then any knife as he imagines that very same weapon in his hands, pressed against darlings pretty little neck. Bruised, bloody and broken, that's how Jekyll wants his darling to be now.

He wants to crush them in his love.

And chances are, he will give in to his temptations.

🥀 EDWARD HYDE. 🥀

Tsk, tsk, this man is quite the charmer. A real smooth talker blessed with a deeper voice then his more seemingly more gentle counterpart, Hyde is no stranger to suggestive comments and rough touches. His feelings ignite like flames, quickly and suddenly. They take over his heart and soul, burning him and leaving endless ache and want in its path.

It's a strange feeling really. He doesn't know how to feel about it...

When he meets his darling he treats her just how he treats other women. He craves nothing more then darlings body but when darling turns him down Hyde feels intrigued. Playing hard to get, eh? 

He is always up for a good challenge.

Hyde stops paying attention to other women and his darling soon becomes his prime time target - Edward cannot move on unless he has his darling. He provokes, taunts and teases, just itching to see darlings reactions to his schemes. Cuss at him, slap him, do anything you want! Just as long as your focus is on him that wolf like grin will never leave his face. He just loves it when his darling turns red, it's so cute he could kiss her. His provoking continues like this for a while until Hyde begins to realize just how some couples act around each other. His softer side starts to show itself and it's something to marvel at really.

Unlike Jekyll, who is soft at the beginning and turns cruel at the end, Hyde is the opposite of that. He doesn't want to just mess with his darling anymore, he wants to actually love and care for her, to actually be in a committed relationship. 

His protective side is on full display and anyone with at least a single braincell should be able to get the message. 

Hyde often wonders when the Hell did he become so soft all of a sudden. He wants this pain in his chest to stop but the only way it can is if his darling is with him. He doesn't need anyone else... He doesn't want anyone else.

Let's hope Hyde's darling has a strong stomach because he doesn't give a damn who he has to hurt. He and Jekyll are nearly nothing alike but if they share on thing in common, it would be determination.

Edward Hyde has found his prey and he isn't going anywhere without it.

Back when I originally posted this way back when it was well received and y'all had a special soft spot for Mr Edward Hyde! If you have any questions or suggestions about these two, feel free to ask me anything!

[genshin-obsessed]

You Get Injured!

Yo! I’m back and this time with a little bit of angst. One thing about me: I ADORE ANGST!!! LEMME BREAK SOMEONE’S HEART!!! I love, love, love writing angst so much! Anyway, enjoy!

Summary:  You get injured on the job, what’s his reaction?

Includes: Aether, Kaeya, Diluc, Venti, Razor, Xiao, Xingqiu, Zhongli, and Childe! (YES I ADDED AETHER >:0)

Come one, come all! See what happens when you come home injured!

Warnings: Mentions of blood, no details though.

You were supposed to be with Aether, but he had his own commissions, but he swore he’d come help you right after. You weren’t patient and ended up getting into a fight with too many hilichurls and it didn’t end well.

He immediately remembered the time he lost Lumine, but for some reason, he was even more scared than that incident. He felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him and he’d completely frozen up. When he saw your bloodied form fall to the floor, it brought him back to reality.

He ran to you and pulled you into his arms, desperately searching for life. He needed to see that you were ok. In fact, he’d taken your hand and squeezed your wrist to feel your pulse. It was weak, but it was there. He pressed his lips to yours, ignoring the taste of iron that followed.

As the doctor was stitching up the larger gashes, he was cleaning up the blood around your face and whispering words of encouragement to you. He gave you water and held your hand throughout the entire process.

PERSONAL NURSE AETHER REPORTING FOR DUTY! Beck and call, whenever you need him, he’s there for you. He put his adventuring on hold until you were 100% better.

Did you need an adventuring partner? Cuz Aether needs one! And you’re the perfect candidate. He’s going on adventures will you- well ok, he’s going EVERYWHERE with you but for a while. Once his nerves and anxiety dies down, he backs off quite a bit.

You had been fighting hilichurs for a commission and the last thing you had expected was multiple Mitachurls to be around. Well, there were more than you could handle and they floored you.

His heart almost stopped when he saw your bloodied form walking towards him, reaching out ever so weakly. He sprinted towards you, hating that he wasn’t there for you. Why was he so slow?! Why were so you far away, dammit?

He takes you into his arms and holds you close before quickly rushing you to the doctor. He knew he might’ve been a bit rough, but he could barely think. All that was going through his mind was him wishing that it was all just a nightmare.

He’s there 24/7, whenever you need him. He’s got meals, blankets, cuddles, kisses, whatever you need. He helps you with EVERYTHING. He knew it was hard to shower with all those wounds and he didn’t want your stitches to open up, so he was a bit strict.

After your full recovery, he’s a little bit hesitant to let you go on your own. He might just join you on a mission or two. Don’t mind him, but once his worries are eased a little, he backs off. Besides, the cavalry captain can’t exactly run around with you, even though he so desperately wants to.

You were on your way to Mondstat from Liyue where you ended up on a beach with more ruin guards than you could handle (may the lord protect you if you wander there on accident).

Full fledged panic. It almost feels like someone was actively tearing his heart out. He couldn’t even breathe in that moment. He desperately wished he could heal you (I don’t think he can…), make you all better so you wouldn’t have to hurt so much. Were… were you crying?

He ran to you but the second he reached out to touch you, he pulled back a little. He was almost scared to touch you, like something as gentle as his touch might shatter what remained. He didn’t want to hurt you anymore, but it was clear you couldn’t walk so he had to carry you.

He does hold you close when you get help, whispering words of encouragement and love to you; anything to help. He immediately helped clean the blood off of you, trying to be as gentle as possible.

Through your healing process, he’s beside you constantly. He helps you with everything. Anything you need, he’s there. Thirsty? He’s got some water. Hungry? He’s got a plate of food. Need cuddles? Scoot over.

He’s actually terrified to let you go, but he knows you. This is your job and he’d seen you in action. So, he does let you go… as long as he can stick to you like glue (Cries in no Venti).

You had been hunting some abyss mages down and everything was going great… until it wasn’t. A rookie mistake almost caused your death. You’d never been so scared and the only thing you could think of was Diluc in that moment. You wanted to be in his arms.

He thought he’d been caught in a nightmare. He genuinely believed it wasn’t you. But when you called out to him, he was yanked back to reality. Everything felt so weird, it felt like a weird out of body experience for him. He was so scared he was shaking as he reached out to touch your bloodied face.

The first thing he does is check you to see how bad your injuries are before he brings you home to his personal doctor. Your blood burned him, it stung as tears welled up in his eyes. How could he let this happen to you? How could he fail you like this?

As the doctor patches you up, he sits beside you, holding your hand and giving you kisses every now and then, telling you you’re doing great and that you’ll be ok. He was still shaking, but he didn’t want you to worry, so he did his best to hide it. 

He’s extremely busy, so he can’t be beside you 24/7, but he tries to be with you every single night. In fact, he lets the knights handle everything while you heal, not wanting to leave you alone for too long

You best believe he’s hunting down every single abyss mage in existence. One hurt you? They all suffer. You try to keep him in check by keeping him at your side.

You had decided to challenge Electro Hypostases on your own... You should’ve been more careful. You didn’t realize how powerful it was and you got extremely lucky. 

Oh he can smell your blood from a distance. So he didn’t even need to see you to know you were injured. He was terrified. His heart was beating so fast and he couldn’t catch his breath. He felt himself going insane when he couldn’t find you.

Well wolves lick their wounds, but he couldn’t lick yours. One, it wouldn’t work, your wounds were too deep, two, he was a human, not a wolf. He knew your friends could help you so he rushed you back to Mondstat (I’m sure this is probably wrong, feel free to roast me).

Although he knew the doctors were just trying to help, he couldn’t stop himself from being aggressive. He even growled at a doctor when you whimpered as you received the stitches. Kaeya and Jean had to hold him back.

No one is allowed near you until you’re fully healed, Razor doesn’t let anyone get close. It’s not just him being super possessive, he was deeply terrified that in case someone attacked you while he wasn’t there…

Your new adventure partner is Razor. Even if he has to live in Mondstat with the other humans, he’ll do it. As long as you’re with him. Don’t bother trying to argue, it won’t work.

You had a teeny weeny competition with Xiangling that you two could find the best ingredients first. You got careless, wandered into a hilichurl camp, only to get floored by 4 mitachurls.

Who hurt you?! Who hurt you and where are they? Xiao just wants to talk. 

Thankfully, the boss of the inn was able to find some help for you and helped patch you up, while Xiao waited patiently. On the outside he looked calm, on the inside- well it was chaos. Nothing could calm his anger and anxiety.

He reassured you that you did a great job, letting you know that he was proud of you. Not to mention, he kept thanking you for coming back alive so that he could save you. He didn’t even want to think about what could’ve happened if you weren’t able to come back… 

He kept you close. As you healed, he was almost like a personal nurse. He brought you whatever you wanted and lots of almond tofu. If you don’t like it… well more for him.

He was very reluctant to let you go. He couldn’t go with you and it was his biggest regret. But he knew holding you back would do nothing, therefore he poured all his faith and trust in you. So please... come back to him.

You had gone to visit Chang the Ninth and on the way back had seen a village get attacked by some abyss mages. You jumped into action without thinking… at all.

Xingqiu actually hadn’t looked up from his book because he was so invested. You called after him, collapsing nearby but he wasn’t even paying attention. Finally, he heard you scream and jumped, his heart leaping out of his chest. He still won’t forgive himself… or pick up a book.

He immediately takes you back home, carefully carrying you so that he wouldn’t agitate your injuries anymore than they already were.

He stayed by your side and even helped patch you up, wanting to do as much as he could to help. He even kissed your injuries to help them heal faster.

He stays by your side as much as possible. You suggest he read you some books, but it seems like he’s too scared to touch any. Something that might need time to recover from.

Xingqiu’s still too busy to join you, but whenever he can, he definitely does. He is a little too protective in the beginning but as time goes on, he finds himself being able to hold back.

You just needed some chaos devices, just a few. YOU DIDN’T EXPECT TO GET YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU SO BADLY!

He couldn’t believe it. His heart had almost stopped when he saw you walking towards him. You were covered in blood and you weakly reached out before you fell. He dashed forward and caught you before you hit the ground.

He takes you to his place, getting a doctor to immediately patch you up. As they were cleaning your wounds, he tried to stay calm, yet had this overwhelming urge to destroy whatever hurt you into a million pieces.

He stayed with you, nursing you back to health. Of course, constantly forgetting mora was a thing when buying you literally anything. This will never change.

He wasn’t able to understand why he couldn’t physically let you go in the beginning. Slowly, it made sense that he was scared. Scared he might lose you and that you might never come back. Scared you might disappear like you almost did. But you were… well you. So he had to trust you. Come back home to him safely.

You had just finished up your commissions and were head home when you stumbled upon an Oceanid. You needed a cleansing heart… or four. You weren’t prepared and you were a little tired, but you went anyway. You were lucky you came back alive.

Childe had set up a cute little date for you two, but you were running a little bit late. He was starting to get worried and when he asked Katheryne, he was surprised to learn that you hadn’t returned home from your commissions. Then he saw you. Leaving a trail of blood and limping towards him. He felt as if someone had done all that to him instead.

He immediately runs to you, with Katheryne following. The two of them quickly get you some medical attention, but Childe refuses to let go the entire time. No matter what anyone says, they can’t take you away, so he goes with you everywhere.

You explain what had happened afterwards and he was angry that you’d put yourself in danger for a stupid item. But at the same time, he was proud of you for beating the Oceanid and coming back to him, regardless of what shape you were in. You still got an earful though.

He wanted to be around you 24/7, but he’s really busy. He tries to get away from work as much as he can to spend time with you. Throughout your healing process, he does a lot to help. Simple things like making you meals, the ones that melt your heart. 

He was reluctant, constantly checking up on you and even wanting to go on adventures with you. But he couldn’t spend every minute with you, so he needed to learn how to ease his own anxieties. Of course, you would never say no to going on a few adventures with him.