#and I’ve been reflecting on myself in therapy for a decade

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

I know it’s not a reliable way to judge how things work for most alloromantics, but apparently you guys are having romantic feelings a few times a month, sometimes a few times a WEEK?! I just thought… you guys felt it every few years or when you have had a few dates or something. But huh?! A week?! Is that true?

I have literally only had crushes. I don’t feel little instances of quick attraction (which other people apparently do???) I’ll see someone and go “huh, they look nice” but it won’t really be romantic, just aesthetic. And even that only happens every once in awhile. The only time I ever really feel romantic attraction is when I get a strong crush. My feelings, annoyingly, have no in-between. They also can’t be prompted by me attempting to set them up, like a date. It just doesn’t do anything, and not “it doesn’t happen every time” that I think is normal, no, it just doesn’t happen at all. I wish it worked, I really do. It would make my life so much simpler, but it never does. Sometimes I’ll see someone do something and go like, “aww, that’s cute” but it’s more just general endearment or maybe affection. It doesn’t feel romantic. I’m so confused.

[graciehart]

for no particular reason at all beckett, lisbon or maura isles?

Asdfhdnsksnhdkcj omg whyyyyyyyy 😭😂

It’s genuinely painful to choose between these three, but I have to say Kate Beckett is one of the most important characters in the world to me. The reason why is that at this point in my life, I’ve been in therapy for the better part of a decade, so I feel like I know myself pretty well. So to then have the experience of seeing something in me reflected on screen that I was not fully aware of was just… earth shattering (in a beautiful and incredibly vulnerable way). But I need to say Lisbon has very quickly become just as important to me, but the experience I had with Beckett is just entirely unique to her.

Maura is absolutely one of my beloveds but I don’t have quite the same personal attachment to her (I just completely adore her).

[nonsenseramble]

Little Red Writing Hoods Writing Exercise!

Today's prompt was: Write about someone who is learning to recognize and take credit for their own achievements.

I'm not gonna lie, this one hit me so hard in the C-PTSD that I couldn't even apply this to any of my WIPs or create a scenario around it. Instead, I just wrote about myself.

Brainstorming: 10 minutes

Writing: 30 minutes

Word count: 407

TW: mentions of narcissism, gaslighting, parentification, traumatizing events

I’ve always been the caretaker, the giver, the one to prioritize the many over myself. I have trained myself to mask my emotions and only react to the situation pragmatically. I can quickly analyze the ever growing list of choices that make up Life’s Butterfly Effect and choose the path that leads to the best possible outcome. I’m The Mom Friend, The Void, The Therapist, The Virgo, The Supply.

I was raised by a narcissist. It took until I was 15 years old to realize something wasn’t right. It took another 5 years for me to get out. Then, another 5 years passed before I could actually process what I went through healthily. I was never rewarded for the good things I achieved; those were expected, if not required, of me. One misstep in the wrong direction often would lead to days, weeks, or years of constant berating. I couldn’t make mistakes, I knew they would be viewed as purposeful attempts to anger my mother.

It’s been just over a year since I went no-contact with my mother. In that time, I’ve been able to work on myself and focus on my family. I wrote a book about my experiences. It was the first creative work I had completed in over a decade. I’ve reconnected with my family, not only to get to know them, but to also learn the truth behind so many other situations. I’ve rebuilt myself into someone I’m entirely happy existing as. It’s not easy, especially given the broken spirit I started with. Years of therapy, medications, self reflection; days where all I could do is cry (or worse, days I couldn’t cry); all the time I spent self reflecting on myself.

“You do the best with the information that you have.” Even though most of the information I used to operate from was a lie, I still believe I made the best choice in every horrible situation I faced. I graduated college twice while still under the thumb of constant negging and oppression. I found real, unconditional love when I had no idea what that looked like. I made the choice to leave my mother’s house and I did so well for myself that moving back there was never an option. It didn’t need to be, because I’m stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I know that now, and I do my best everyday to remind myself of that truth.

[hot-soop]

Happy New Year everyone ♥︎

I didn’t do much thinking or reflection last night, mostly because I fell asleep around 8pm with my children, woke up at midnight to the sound of fireworks from the centre of my little town, and fell back to sleep again. I don’t often express my gratitude well, because I struggle to find the right words to tell people what I feel, but since it’s the New Year, I wanted to make a little effort.

This post went way longer than expected, so here’s a cut scene -

Those who know me well are aware that I’ve had a difficult couple of years - my ex turned out to not be the person I thought he was after over a decade together. In 2021 he did something atrocious and I took our children and moved to the other end of the country - giving up our home, my job, our lives. In early 2022 he finally went to prison. His actions (and the consequences of said actions) took a toll on my children’s and my emotional well-being, and lately I’ve been learning how to be the best single parent I could be.

Alongside supporting my children - 2022 was a year spent rediscovering who I am. Despite it being a challenging time, it was amazing. My business slowly became a little bigger, and I actually started earning enough from that to support myself. I became close to my parents again. My children thrived at their new school. I started therapy! I made new local friends for the first time in years, I’m thankful to know them and have that closeness again (ofc I won’t name them here bc despite being close I’m not ready to share my bts smut with them 💀). 

In February, I met some of the best people in my life in person. We’d already been friends for, what, 18 months? And everyone was talking about a galentines trip, and somehow, before I even knew it, I was on a plane to America (thank you to Lauren & Jess) to meet you all. I was a nervous wreck lmao.

@the-boy-meets-evil - I’ve never met a person who has more time for the people they love. You have a heart of gold, you’re endlessly supportive, so so funny, insightful, and a joy to be around. You light up every room - both physical and digital. I selfishly want more of your hugs. I appreciate everything about you - thank you for showing me what true goodness could be. Your friendship has taught me a lot about myself, and I love my life better with you in it. I want to be there for you in the ways you’ve always been there for me. I love you.

@effortandmore - I’m so glad you’re starting to see yourself as we see you, because you deserve all the love in the world. You are brave and impossibly kind, you make me laugh and cry (with happiness). You’re generous and funny. I’m endlessly in awe of not just everything you’ve achieved - but who you are as a person. I want to be more like you. To be your friend is a wonderful thing. I cannot wait to see you again later this year - more art gallery trips please, cause I love to hear you talk about it. I love you.

@ugh-yoongi - sometimes I can’t believe our friendship started with “hey you seem cool and normal - do you wanna be a mod on my subreddit?” and it quickly became apparent we’re both somewhat unhinged. You are so funny it hurts - literally, you regularly make my sides ache from laughing at 1am. Sometimes I think you don’t know what an amazing person you are. You’re loving and soft-hearted, and your moral integrity is something I truly admire. You hold the people in your life to a standard (so should everyone) and being your friend has made me a better person. You are amazing. Your friendship is a gift and I’m always sending my love to you. I love you.

@bubbleteakittyy - I want you to know how much I admire you, and everything you do. You are courageous, warm, and truly the sweetest person. Seeing you move across the world and make a home for yourself, making new friends and building a life is hugely inspirational. I love your kindness and your optimism and your open heart. I’m so looking forward to seeing you in Copenhagen this year, and I hope now that we’re closer geographically, we’ll be able to see even more of each other going forward. I’m so grateful you’re in my life. I love you.

So much has changed for all of us in 2022, but I’m happy that we have each other. My grandmother always said ‘like attracts like’ and I think that if these are the people who have chosen to be my friend, then maybe I’m a better person than I once thought. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for showing me that. Here’s to 2023 ♥︎

[frankbelloriley]

2022

The year started with promise and then two weeks later I got a call of my uncle’s suicide, so that of course detracted some things. (God, I know you and I haven’t been on much speaking terms since my teenage years, but I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for my mom who has stuck with you through it all: be nice to her in the upcoming year.) A lot of it was spent waiting for a memorial that still hasn’t come. Might be on what would’ve been his upcoming birthday in April after delay it from the one year anniversary. In a weird way, it’s very fitting for a man who, in his last months of life, decided he wanted to show up to my cousin’s wedding three days before the event itself to make it a surprise. However, the man did instill three loves in me which continue to this day: dark beer, prog rock, and the most awful, dogshit bilingual puns.

To say it was a strange year even aside from that would be an understatement. I routinely confuse things that happened last year with this year or vice versa or sometimes things from 2020 get in the mix, and sometimes 2020 feels like a decade ago. Moving three times in two years will do that.

I did my best writing this year. I also did my best therapy this year. I feel like those have to go hand in hand. I’ve tried to do “writing as therapy” and while writing is therapeutic for me, when I do it as my therapy...I’m not sure it works. It’s not that I don’t see the worth in it, but that should be reserved for myself, and I don’t think it adds to what I write. My writing is always going to be some of a reflection of my psyche anyway, so why force it?

Therapy has been about getting rid of old ghosts and the emotions attached to them. Grief brings about a lot of old hidden things, and that was true for me. Some in expected ways, and others in long dormant ones. The good thing about being in therapy this long (or in my case, starting it back up in the pandemic) is sometimes an episode happens, and for a brief second I’ll think, “therapy didn’t help,” and almost immediately another voice will come in and say, “no, you know what’s happening now and you also remember what it was like when this happened before therapy.” It’s nice to remind myself of these...reminders. It’s been helpful to understand the ghosts are a reflection of a conversation I need to have with myself. I’m getting better at asking myself what I need. 

A fun thing about this is that this is the second draft of this post. I don’t know how long I’ve kept up these end of year blogs. Gotta be up there, right? I feel like I’ve been doing them since 2014, and...Jesus. Anyway, I wanted to say that I finished the first draft, looked it over, and was like, “yeah, I don’t want anyone else to see this except me,” but I’m glad about that draft, and I’m going to end this post and that draft the same way. 

I go into 2023 with a truly open heart for the first time in a very long time.

[megan-loves-surveys]

#20.

If I could choose what decade I was born in, I’d choose… The 80's is fine.

The first thing I’d do after winning the lottery is… Sit back for a bit and consider how to spend it without going crazy and losing it all.

The videos that always make me laugh are… Mock The Week, I rewatch them all the time and they're always funny even if I've seen them like 10 times already.

A trend I really love is… Not sure.

One of my most original costumes was… I've never really dressed up for anything.

Between sunrises and sunsets, I prefer… Sunsets.

If for one day I could be invisible or fly, I’d choose to… Fly.

My perfect pizza looks like… Hawaiian.

I wish I had hair like… Mercedes Mone, especially when she had her long blue or purple hair. Absolute perfection <3

If I could be feared by all or loved by all, I’d choose to be… Loved I guess lol.

Once in my life, I’d like to cut my hair like… I don't want to cut my hair.

My feelings about coconut flavour are… Love it! The texture sucks, but the flavour is yummy.

One of my favorite writers is… Rachel Caine. RIP.

My favorite mode of transportation is… Car.

One of my favorite singers is… Ayumi Hamasaki.

When I go to a new restaurant and have no idea what to order I… Look at the menu and then just order fish & chips or pasta LOL.

What’s a favorite hobby of yours? Reading Wiki articles, especially about geography.

I think a good source of therapy is… Depends.

A friend who I can always be myself around is… My boyfriend if he counts.

A friend who always makes me laugh is… Ngawari.

Something helpful to lose weight is… A balance of eating healthy and working out. And the occasional splurge cos if you don't, you'll go insane.

In the shower, I like to sing… Sometimes.

The furthest I’ve ever traveled is… The UK. Literally on the opposite side of the world, takes 24 hours to get there.

The best car I’ve ever owned is… I've never had a car.

A party I had so much fun at was… David's birthday dinner.

A fear of mine is… Spiders.

My favorite season is… Summer.

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… Converse, Spotify or Steam giftcards or anything Pokémon related.

Between movies and TV, which would you prefer? TV.

A new year’s resolution I haven’t been able to accomplish yet is… I only had one and it was to keep going to the gym.

The image that best reflects my personality is… Too lazy to find one lol.

Who do you know who makes the best French toast? I don't really like French toast.

What was the last thing you ate that had cheese on it? I had mac & cheese last night.

What is your favourite pizza parlour? Pizza Hut.

Name three things you like about winter. My birthday, cute clothes and wearing Converse all the time xD

Is winter your favourite season? It's my least favourite, it sucks.

Do you know anyone whose favourite season is winter, and if yes, who? Probably.

What is the most frustrating thing that’s happened to you recently? I was on reception at work and the computer died on me - usually it's quiet and I wouldn't even get anybody coming into the office while I got it back up and running (the reception computer is old and crappy, I've been trying to convince my boss to get a new one lol). But of course this time, 4 people came in while I was trying to figure out why the computer died. I had to tell them I couldn't do anything - they were understanding except this woman who got mad at me and literally stood there tapping her foot. She was so annoying, I was more frustrated with her than the computer lol.

Are you happy today? Yeah, today was good.

Who is someone you’ve been enjoying watching on YouTube recently? I watched literally all of Matt Rose's videos last week, lol. He's so hilarious, check him out.

What’s your favorite song at the moment? Girls Aloud - Disco Bunny

Are your hands dry right now? Not particularly.

Do you own pajamas with llamas on them? No. But now I kinda want to xD

Would you ever wear hot pink cat-eye glasses? No.

What is something you’ve been undecided about recently, if anything? When I should get my hair done again - the purple in my hair still looks good, but the roots are growing out lmao.

How often do you use the toaster? Maybe once a week.

Have you ever made a dreamcatcher? No.

If applicable, what color boombox did you have as a kid? I had a stereo, it was silver lol.

Would you rather dress up as a zombie or a unicorn for Halloween? Unicorn.

Who was the last of your friends to have a baby? I think... Jennifer?

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard lately? Oh, I dunno.

Can you see snow out your window right now? It doesn't snow where I live.

What are three of your favorite things to do when it snows? -

Have you ever contemplated shaving your head, and if so, why? Hell no.

What types of cancer are in your family? None. Thank god.

What color socks are you wearing? None.

Which cartoon character looks the most like you? None, lol.

Which family member did you get your height from? Both sides, cos I'm short and both of my parents are too. It's funny though cos my Uncle on my Mum's side is over 6 foot, but my Mum is 5'4" lol.

Do you believe in the supernatural? No.

What color looks the worst on you? Pink tbh.

What year were you born? 1987.

Do you own a pair of plaid pants? Yes.

Which TV channel did you watch the most as a kid? TV2.

Who is your favorite cousin? Patrick, he was always cool and nice to me.

Do you prefer black tea, herbal tea, or green tea? I don't like tea.

What do you think of hypnosis? Do you believe in it? I think it's kinda cool even if it's not really real.

What’s your favorite fast food restaurant? KFC. I could eat that shit all the time LOL.

What would a Lisa Frank version of you look like? No idea.

If you had to choose a country to live in besides your own, which country would you choose? UK. Or maybe Australia, next door to home.

What’s the most dangerous thing that’s happened to you recently? Recently? Um... hmm.

What color ink did the last pen you wrote with have? Blue.

Have you ever had a friend with the same name as you? Yes, a few actually. Spelt the same, cos there's lots of different spellings.

Do you think you look better with long hair or short hair? Longer.

What are three things you are thankful for? Jon Moxley, my boyfriend and music.

What did the last mask you wore look like? It was likely my Mox mask, it's orange and black and has Mox's skull logo on it.

Did you wear a mask today? No, I haven't worn one since 2022!

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes.

Do you ever find youtube’s video recommendations annoying? Yeah, especially when they recommend shit I already watched.

Which did you have first: Myspace or Facebook? I never had Myspace, so Facebook.

What color was your nursery when you were a baby? No clue.

Do you prefer canoeing or kayaking? Never done either.

When was the last time you went kayaking? -

Do you have anyone you can trust? Yes.

What color is/was the last carpet you sat on? Dark blue.

Do you have a rug in your room? I do, it's super soft, I love standing on it for no reason xD

What was the name of the first college dorm you lived in? -

When is the next time you will take a shower/bath? Which one will you take? Tomorrow, probably, after work.

Are you currently waiting on someone to do something for you/to you? Only to talk to David about the IPW show, but it's not till Saturday so I have time still.

As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/ Disneyland? No. I live in New Zealand, nowhere near them lol.

What state do you live in? What’s the best aspect about this state? -

Are you someone who is really committed to politics in your area/ country? Politics is boring, the only time I pay attention is when it's election time.

When was the last time you were on a boat? Where did you travel on it? Lemme think... it was definitely in the USA, probably going to the Statue of Liberty haha.

Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, sometime today? Nowhere exciting, I just walked to the takeaways with my Mum earlier.

Does your family ever have any kind of weird traditions in your house? Depends what you consider weird.

When is the next time you will attend a family reunion? Where will it be? I won't, lol.

Do you have any friends who act like they don’t know you in public? No. Pretty shitty of friends to do that.

Do you like cereal? What would you consider your favorite kind of cereal? Love it! My fave is Sultana Bran prob.

Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? -

If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? I'm an only child.

Do you ever actually like going to Wal-Mart or is it regularly boring? We don't have it in NZ.

Do you know anyone who has or has had any kind of mental illness/ disorder? Oh definitely.

[calsgotdepression]

nice outside 1

When my uncle died, I stared at the guitar he gave me until my eyes crossed. When my grandmother died, I listened to her voicemails left on my phone. When my aunt died, I saw a photo taken of clumps of her hair. I’ve never met either of my biological grandfathers. Apparently I look a lot like my mom’s dad. My dad’s mom was too far gone by the time I could have memories of her. My grandfather is losing his memories by the day. Grief is a strange kind of sadness. From the time I started to remember my life, I can’t remember a time where there wasn’t a lingering sense of dread hanging over me. That sadness is a part of me, it made me who I am. But grief, it seeps into you and bores into you as if digging more holes for you to crawl into. How long can a person cry before they die of dehydration? Sometimes I wonder if people actually care about me, or they just stick around because they feel bad. Like hanging out with a terminally ill patient to make their last days as enjoyable as possible. It’s funny how I want to cling to everyone and everything I care about, but always feel like I’m leashed by a higher power, taking me on walks like a dog with a noose around my neck. How is it that people who deserve all the life there is to give are taken away by death so soon? How is it that when I know I am one of the lucky ones, how I know that I was wanted, how I know I love so much and am loved that I still want to throw it all away? I’ve imagined my funeral more times than I’d like to admit. When I was born, my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. It’s not uncommon for births, but how is it that I was snipped free to breath my first breaths, when so many others don’t have the chance to see the sun? How can I live in a world that is so cruel, a world full of power and war where I sit as bombs fall, unable to move, waiting for the day to come? I don’t live everyday as if it’s my last, and yet I am constantly under the watch of a ticking clock that’s counting down. How is it, that when others look in the mirror, they like what they see? The face that stares back is my own, equally full of disgust for his reflection on the other side. Is it cruel that we were given bodies, or is it cruel that we are given judgement for them? How is it that when I sit and cry tears that burn my eyes, that I’m not the only one? How can I still love this world that lets people feel this way? I believe there is peace in death, but there is none for the living. I’ve lived almost two decades, and it’s nothing, nothing at all, but when is it that I start to feel better? The way I was before medication and transitioning was reckless and hopeless and under a despair that I felt so deeply, I felt I had to cut it out of me. I’m scared of other people. Now, it’s better, and I have no regrets about antidepressants or therapy or transitioning. I’m happier, but I’m not happy. My parents talk about me when I grow older, and imagining things I’ll be doing. How do I tell them I don’t see myself living to see them die? How do I tell them when I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I still feel like there’s no hope for me in the end? How will they tell my friends when I’m dead that I couldn’t beat the illnesses? How can I tell everyone it’s too much for me? Am I too fragile to exist? Is my wanting to be kind a terrible thing that will leave me discarded as a stepping stone, another statistic, another story to tell like I’ve told about my deceased loved ones here? I don’t want to see my parents die. I don’t want to see my cat die. I don’t want to see my friends die. But how could I do the same to them? I want to hold everyone close and scream to them that I love them and I love you and I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love and it’s okay but am I destined to be alone? When one of my friends tried to kill themselves, I felt an emotion deeper than sadness, deeper than hurt. And still, I think about taking my own life. How do I care so much for others, when I feel like they don’t care about me? Am I too broken to be loved? To be cared for?

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

565 of 2023

If I could choose what decade I was born in, I’d choose…

Honestly, the 90s are fine by me. I wouldn't change that.

The first thing I’d do after winning the lottery is…

Paying taxes lmao. Then buy a house... no, two houses :D

The videos that always make me laugh are…

Funny cats, and that one video about 10 differences between Dutch and Belgian people. Hilarious if you know the context and the language.

A trend I really love is…

Being true to yourself and not paying attention to trends is the best timeless trend.

One of my most original costumes was…

...ke?

Between sunrises and sunsets, I prefer….

Sunrises, hands down. The birth of the day.

If for one day I could be invisible or fly, I’d choose to…

Be invisible so I could pull pranks on people without consequences.

My perfect pizza looks like…

Mushrooms, bell peppers and lots of cheese.

I wish I had hair like…

Like I already do, but shorter.

If I could be feared by all or loved by all, I’d choose to be…

Away from that crap.

Once in my life, I’d like to cut my hair like…

Jesus what a boring question.

My feelings about coconut flavor are…

I like it, but I need to be in a mood for it.

One of my favorite writers is…

I don't really have favourites, I like many books by many different authors.

My favorite mode of transportation is…

TRAINS. Nothing beats the choo choo <3

One of my favorite singers is…

I listen to pretty much anything and everything.

When I go to a new restaurant and have no idea what to order I…

Check the menu? That seems to be the most logic answer.

What’s a favorite hobby of yours?

Photography and signal identification.

I think a good source of therapy is…

Kitties. A cat's purr has healing abilities.

A friend who I can always be myself around is…

I'm always myself, no matter with whom.

A friend who always makes me laugh is…

Marc. Born comedian lol.

Something helpful to lose weight is…

*TW* eating disorders. I don't recommend.

In the shower, I like to sing…

Whatever my earworm is at the moment.

The furthest I’ve ever traveled is…

Poland.

The best car I’ve ever owned is…

Never owned a car on my own, but our Renault is good enough for my tastes.

A party I had so much fun at was…

Any national strike that me and my union crew have ever taken part in.

A fear of mine is…

Death.

My favorite season is…

Summer.

If you knew me well, you’d gift me…

A notebook and a set of pens.

Between movies and TV, which would you prefer?

TV, always and forever. Movies are boring and way too long.

A new year’s resolution I haven’t been able to accomplish yet is…

Losing more weight.

The image that best reflects my personality is…

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

If I could choose what decade I was born in, I’d choose… I’m a 90s girl through and through so no point choosing another decade than the one I was born in 

The first thing I’d do after winning the lottery is… pay off all my debt

The videos that always make me laugh are… funny animal vids

A trend I really love is… skinny jeans

One of my most original costumes was… Lita the wrestler from WWE, had to improvise so I wore baggy pants, a camo shirt and got temp dark red hair dye spray that washed out after

Between sunrises and sunsets, I prefer…. sunsets

If for one day I could be invisible or fly, I’d choose to… usually I’d say invisible but fly for sure so I could go wherever, whenever

My perfect pizza looks like… mushrooms and onions

I wish I had hair like… normal people lol mine’s thick as hell and poker straight, so it can’t really hold any hair dye or styling like curling it for long

If I could be feared by all or loved by all, I’d choose to be… loved

Once in my life, I’d like to cut my hair like… Miley Cyrus during her Bangerz era

My feelings about coconut flavor are… looooove coconut flavor! hate the texture so I hate the pulp but love the flavor

One of my favorite writers is… John Green

My favorite mode of transportation is… driving

One of my favorite singers is… Alexz Johnson

When I go to a new restaurant and have no idea what to order I… either go with a general thing depending on what they have, or get a salad

What’s a favorite hobby of yours? crosswords

I think a good source of therapy is… music

A friend who I can always be myself around is… Jake

A friend who always makes me laugh is… Bobbie

Something helpful to lose weight is… having an illness where you’re constantly throwing up to the point of not being able to even keep water down...lose weight real fast unintentionally

In the shower, I like to sing… songs on my playlist

The furthest I’ve ever traveled is… LA clear across the country

The best car I’ve ever owned is… Shay...my Subaru Forester that I totaled last year during a DUI....

A party I had so much fun at was… the Esser’s 4th of July bash several years ago

A fear of mine is… abandonment

My favorite season is… summer

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… video games

Between movies and TV, which would you prefer? TV

A new year’s resolution I haven’t been able to accomplish yet is… none cause I never make any

The image that best reflects my personality is… a dog I guess...loyal and loving

[ausetkmt]

Somebody who grew up in the church recently died. Committed suicide. This is not the first time and won’t be the last. This tragedy happens all the time in society⁠—in “the outside world.” Our economic and political conditions will surely fluctuate through various levels of shakiness and unrest from now into upcoming decades, in the U.S. and globally, and this undoubtedly means that working and poor people will struggle even more, potentially with even less access to medical services, including mental health services. It’s safe to assume that suicides are generally going to increase. 

I’ve known three members who committed suicide. In some sick way, I am thankful that there aren’t more second generation who have committed suicide. Knowing how often I’ve gotten close to it, as well as others in my family and among my friends, I’m genuinely surprised there’s not more. Unfortunately, I don’t doubt that in the next few decades, there will be more⁠—and not just because of global politics making everybody’s every day harder. But because we’re getting older, and so many of us have never dealt with any of our demons, and when things in our life gets shakier, uncertain, or scary, and we hit a breaking point because of some tragedy or sudden life change, we will lose our shit. 

So many of us have an endless rage we are unwilling to look at or know. We hide and lock up huge parts of who we are from ourselves and those we love. And so many of us end up clueless to the structures and voices we’ve inherited from the church that we still obey and are tormented by.

There’s so much more to the story of leaving the church as a second generation than I’ve been told. I am trying to figure it out for myself. I’ve been out for a decade and yet too often I feel so behind in my healing. I am not over it, and I feel guilty for that. I only recently detected that guilt coming from an old place in me⁠—the place that says not to be negative, the place that dismisses negative people. I’ve been in therapy on and off for the last decade, I’ve been medicated, and the past few years I’ve talked to other 2nd generation who left, I’ve been keeping up with the blogs and the podcasts⁠⁠—and none of that is enough.

What is enough? Will there ever be enough? Will I ever not have this rage following me? 

Somehow, even in the safest ex-2nd generation spaces, I still feel like the violence we witnessed and endured is not taken seriously. There are so many ex-2nd generation who affirm the church being problematic, but barely any more than other fundamentalist sect. We can read HWDYKYM headlines about 6,500 Japanese women going missing after the blessing, or Moon sexually assaulting Annie Choi, or the church funding death squads in Latin America, and say, “oh yeah, the church is fucked up” and shrug. Even if we did not personally experience certain abuses, we were born through and in the midst of exploitation and abuse. It was all around us. In one way or another, we all experienced⁠ it and it played a huge role in shaping our realities and who we are. 

There is so much trauma in us that we are unwilling to interact with and know.

It is not normal to be in a room of people slapping themselves, with some getting bruised or bloody. It is not normal to be in a locked room where people are forced to make confessions and then get beaten. It is not normal to have your church leader pressure you to give up your child to another family. It is not normal to have your parents pressure you to go across the country, or world, at 17 or 18 or 19 years old, to have your eternal spouse chosen for you. It is not normal to have to make a sudden life change, including moving countries, due to the sudden whim of a church leader. It is not normal to be given a knife by your mom to kill yourself with if approached by a rapist. It is not normal to have to beat your spouse’s ass with a bat as hard as you can in front of your peers and leaders.

Whether this was our experience, or our sibling’s, or our friend’s, or our parents’ it was all traumatic and it was our basis for reality. It was not normal, good, or healthy. That stuff takes a long time to unpack, and the messaging we received takes even more effort and humility to actually unlearn and deal with. 

There’s so much to unlearn and re-learn, and I’m afraid of what that means for me, and for all of us. Going to therapy is important, even if your therapy ends up not always super insightful or mind-blowing. It helps to have somebody on the outside seeing what’s going on inside us. I’ve had some mediocre therapists, but they’ve all been helpful at some point in highlighting things in my thinking and behavior that I just couldn’t see otherwise, and reminding me of the things I always forget or dismiss. They’ve continually helped me take myself and my life seriously.

But there’s more to this than therapy. How do we reckon with ourselves? There still seems to be some missing pieces in this story. Maybe it’s something we, the second generation, have to figure out. 

Everybody has their own pace and capacity, and I respect that we all have a different route for recovery and healing. A lot of us are mentally ill, dealing with CPTSD and PTSD, as well as depression and anxiety and other disorders. I know some people feel unable to even consider working through their trauma, aware that it’d trigger them in ways that they do not think they can manage, in ways they’re scared might break them. For those of us who want to actively find some sense of resolve, who want to be free from Moonie-brain, and to feel free, and genuinely be freed, from being psychologically and ideologically in the church—I wonder what else we can be doing to find whatever peace we can with our families, our past and stories, ourselves. I wonder if my Moonie-blinders are still keeping me from seeing something. 

[creepyally]

I’m tired of living my life at a percentage, one eye on my reflection and the other on the door. I’m so afraid that I can’t even imagine being kissed, like a real kiss not the movie kind, because it’s not safe because I know I know what people see when they look at me because I know how it feels to hand over love and receive disgust. Honestly, most things are at least uncomfortable. But there are times, times when living and breathing are thoughtless, seamless, easy. The ocean’s water and wind call and I walk for hours barefoot in the shallows. Other days my hands dig through warm, kind soil and are dusted off on my favorite blue jeans before plucking a cherry tomato beautiful as all the jewels the earth has ever crystallized. I dance alone in my underwear with sunshine on my skin to songs playing just for me. The thing is, I want more. Years ago as a child I made the choice to trade my pain for fog. Lots of other things got lost in the haze. It’s probably time now, to clear it and stand in the sun but it burns my skin instantly. Seems right that the first thing after so long is pain again, after all that’s what I bargained with the devil in the first place over, but I wasn’t expecting a new kind of hurt. When I was in kindergarten my cousin started to “practice” with me. I don’t remember how it got started, once she told me it was me. I don’t know if I trust her. Eventually, I realized it wasn’t right and said we shouldn’t do stuff like that anymore. She told me that I had a choice: practice with her or wait until I was older and try my luck with boys. I’d never really considered it and in the moment I hated the idea of kissing boys so I chose the first option. Later, I went over the choice she gave me again and again. I couldn’t understand the two options, or more precisely the second. After much deliberation I determined that she meant that if I didn’t practice with her no one would ever like me because I’m inherently unlikable. It made sense, it was the early 2000s and I was a chubby kid, not great at making friends, and my older sisters thought I was the most annoying thing on earth. Probably didn’t help that my dad yelled all the time and sometimes broke things and my mom sometimes yelled back and I was scared of both of them. Also, again, early 2000s which when I think back on it was mostly Victoria’s Secret angels and people calling Britney Spears fat and 9/11. I figured my cousin was taking pity on me because she was pretty and blond and skinny and loved me. The thing went on, and got worse, into second grade. By then I had become what I am now and have been the majority of my life. A coward. Fear is everywhere all the time. Went to therapy off and on for over a decade and turns out that’s called PTSD. Last summer I went out to a bar for the first time, got drunk, and woke up covered in puke in the drivers seat of my car with the smell of some sick fuck burned into my nose and the feel of his skin sticky on my lips and a bruise or tear or I don’t know what in the back of my throat. Not gonna lie, that shit got me fucked up. Long story short I got pretty close to killing myself, told some people about it, and here I am on meds and I can still feel that tear in my throat. I figure, shit I don’t know if living is already gonna fucking suck because of shit like this I can take it hurting if I get to really feel the good shit too. I want to be present in my classes, take chances on new friends, say what I mean, mean what I say, and cry tears of rejoice in the kitchen when I taste a ravioli I crafted with my own hands and know that I’ve finally made my masterpiece then sit down to jot down some more notes on a old, stained, wrinkled recipe.

[reflect-on-this-fully]

Happy Diwali!

{Photo courtesy of Ravi Roshan via Pexels}

Wishing everyone a beautiful, victorious, and prosperous Diwali!

As I reflect on my faith and this spiritual journey I’ve been on, I decided I wanted to share a meaningful experience I had with all of you.

A key point in my spiritual development right now is to control the mind. This has always been a point of contention with me. A good portion of my life was ravaged by anxiety, a sense of unrest and unease that pervaded through my entire being. It was largely resistant to medication, perhaps due to genetic factors, as my entire family– going back several generations– has struggled with this disorder. After a while, you start to assume it’s hardwired into your brain.

I won’t divulge into details, but I was fortunate to receive a groundbreaking medical treatment for my mental health that put me into complete remission after 13+ years. When we talk about treating mental health, it’s usually in the context of symptom management and lifestyle changes. Not once in my life did I hear someone say, “I cured my depression,” or “I am anxiety free.” I never even imagined being “cured” as a possibility. To be fair, I knew TMS had exceptionally promising results and a plethora of data to confirm its viability, but I never imagined I’d be one of those people.

Anywho, getting this treatment was the first big step in attempting to “wrangle” my mind. Before, it seemed like an impossible task. It calls to mind a passage from the Bhagavad Gita. Arjuna says to Krishna, “This yoga of equanimity you have taught seems unendurable for the restless mind. | For the mind is turbulent, strong, and obstinate, Krishna, and to subdue it is as difficult as controlling the wind. | The Blessed Lord said: Truly the wayward mind is hard to subdue, but with practice and dispassion it can be trained. |For one with uncontrolled mind, yoga is hard to attain. Yet I say that with practice, one who strives with disciplined mind can succeed.” (6:33-36)

I know that some people may read this and assume that “practice” means that you can overcome an anxious mind just by trying hard. However, that’s not the case. Practice can mean an infinite number of things, and for myself personally, I think my practice was in going to therapy, going to my doc, and going through TMS. I took the steps and initiative to wrangle my mind. Even though I wasn’t on my spiritual journey at the time, I believe that the divine walked alongside me. A great change was coming on the precipice, and I could feel it in my bones. I was determined to beat this disease, or at least make a fool of it. The divine saw that and carried me the rest of the way.

Even though the change has been nothing short of drastic, there is a sense of normalcy to be had. With TMS, I feel like I’m starting with a blank slate. After living with debilitating anxiety for over a decade, what the hell is normal now? This past year has been one of relearning what it means to live. Every day is a gift beyond measure. Even still, I will have a bad day from time to time. Such is normal. Sometimes I think, “If I hadn’t gone through TMS, this day would have taken me out.” And it’s probably true. 

Just when I think I’ve made leaps and bounds in recovery, there is still progress to be had–even those without anxiety can suffer from the uncontrolled mind. I learned this when I received my first set of mala beads. They were African turquoise, and I felt immense peace turning over the smooth beads in my hands. That night, during puja, I sat down to quiet my mind and meditate. I had never recited a mantra in full succession before and was feeling somewhat apprehensive about it. How would the experience go? Still, I felt a strange calling, like a beckoning to do this.

I chose the mantra “Om hare Krishna” for its simplicity and the closeness I’ve felt with Lord Krishna as I’ve read the Bhagavad Gita for the first time. As I repeated the words and steadied my breathing, I felt my mind dissipate to a serene ocean. I felt a sense of urgency and longing to connect with Krishna. I struggled to form his image in this vast ocean. I repeated the mantra, breathing in slowly, when I felt like something clicked. The sense of urgency left me. I felt warm. I felt like I had gained control over the endless tides of the ocean. The waves now swelled and crashed with every breath. I slowed down, and with my eyes closed, I saw the most incredible materialization of blue. A crisp, Prussian blue that brought rest to my eyes. And in that beautiful mirage, Krishna’s precious face developed. We looked upon each other in peaceful solitude, as the ocean crashed around us. I repeated, “Om hare Krishna,” with all the gratitude my heart could muster. When I had finished my 108 mantras, I spoke to Krishna, his presence so tangible and intimate. I had never experienced an encounter with the divine like that before. What does one say in the presence of the Supreme? I told him of my calling to write and to reach my community. I told him of my desire to help bring others peace in a restless world. As Krishna appears in the world to help bring enlightenment throughout the ages when it is needed most, I wanted to walk alongside him. That calling with ingrained in my soul. 

When I opened my eyes and left the altar, I thought I’d feel a sudden rush of coldness or abandonment. But it was the opposite: I could feel Krishna within me. 

It was a remarkable experience, and I'll carry it with me always.

Namaste.

Pax

[chill-that-ur-inmyhead]

lavender haaaaze

If I could choose what decade I was born in, I’d choose… I just want to experience the regency era, Bridgerton, Jane Austen vibes.... but I know I wouldn't want to be actually born then.

The first thing I’d do after winning the lottery is… Contact my family for sure! Hire a lawyer depending if the amount is crazy high and buy myself a classic London townhouse.

The videos that always make me laugh are… Old cody and noel videos, especially the sugar gay one omg 

A trend I really love is… the Scandinavian girl aesthetic is just so in and I love it

One of my most original costumes was… Naur, I'm not a costume girl, never had the resources or energy to commit.

Between sunrises and sunsets, I prefer…. Sunrises.

If for one day I could be invisible or fly, I’d choose to… Fly

My perfect pizza looks like… An unusual combination of dominos' chicken tandoori and hot dog slices!!! Now I am hungry argh!

I wish I had hair like… Matilda Djerf ofc - gerogous but I know that I wouldn't be able to put in the effort to maintain the mane!

If I could be feared by all or loved by all, I’d choose to be… I want people to be afraid by how much they love me.... ;)

Once in my life, I’d like to cut my hair like… Matilda Djerf and I already did haha.

My feelings about coconut flavour are… Pass

One of my favourite writers is… I mean Rick Riordan killed it with the Percy Jackson series!

My favourite mode of transportation is… Horse hehe

One of my favourite singers is… Taylor Swift

When I go to a new restaurant and have no idea what to order I… Ask whomever I am with what they are ordering and consider if I want to try that too

What’s a favourite hobby of yours? Going on rightmoves to gawk at houses which are selling for millions and deciding if I had that money would I buy haha

I think a good source of therapy is… Music

A friend who always makes me laugh is… Yao

Something helpful to lose weight is… It's all about balance - eat well and exercise

In the shower, I like to sing… Ofc anything Taylor

The furthest I’ve ever travelled is… I suppose Italy is the furthest, 4 hour flight ish. 

The best car I’ve ever owned is… Just drive my mum's ford fiesta and it does the job beautifully.

A fear of mine is… Acid attack

My favourite season is… Autumn

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… Taylor Swift concert tickets

Between movies and TV, which would you prefer? Hardest question ever!! Right now tv shows but it defo changes

A new year’s resolution I haven’t been able to accomplish yet is… Save money for a trip abroad. I just love spending for the now.

The image that best reflects my personality is…

[cutevirgo]

that tiktok audio that’s like ‘I was joking but I don’t think it’s a joke anymore’ about me and my sibling joking about our family’s vast collection of neurodivergencies disorders we haven’t been diagnosed with (yet) because is it actually our own brains that have a specific neurodivergency or is it being raised in a circle of completely unaddressed mental health issues and NDs

[kingstylesdaily]

How Harry Styles Became the World’s Most Wanted Man

The global pop icon makes it all look easy — even when it definitely isn't. opens up about his huge year, his two new films, his fans' relationship with Olivia Wilde, activism, sexuality, therapy, and much more

BY BRITTANY SPANOS

ON A FRIDAY night in New York, Harry Styles put on a show. It wasn’t just any show; it was the first time he performed his third and soon-to-be-biggest album, Harry’s House, in its entirety. The crowd that May night covered Long Island’s UBS Arena in feathers and glitter and tears — a ritualistic skin shedding of sorts whenever Styles comes to town.

Fans noticed something different about the encore: Styles didn’t end with his usual closer, “Kiwi”; instead, he opted to finish the night with a second performance of his new single “As It Was,” his dance-through-the-tears pandemic reflection on isolation and change. When he played it, the crowd exploded in a way even Styles had never experienced. It left him a bit shaken.

“We came offstage, and I went into my dressing room and just wanted to sit by myself for a minute,” he tells me, two months later. “After One Direction, I didn’t expect to ever experience anything new. I kind of felt like, ‘All right, I’ve seen how crazy it can get.’ And I think there was something about it where I was … not terrified, but I just needed a minute. Because I wasn’t sure what it was. Just that the energy felt insane.”

At 28, Styles has unlocked a new level of stardom for himself. Years ago, he regularly filled stadiums as a member of One Direction, his former boy band. This spring and summer, he’s playing them on his own. “As It Was” has become his hugest song yet, setting streaming records and topping the charts in more than two dozen countries, including 10 weeks straight in the U.S. Because he’s a star with a largely young, female fan base, many have refused to engage with him as much more than a pretty teen idol. (I don’t need to lay out decades of music history to show how wrong of a take that is.) But he can feel the tides change in curious ways. “ ‘As It Was’ is definitely the highest volume of men that I would get stopping me to say something about it,” he notes. “That feels like a weird comment because it’s not like men was the goal. It’s just something I noticed.”

Before his headlining set at Coachella in April, I caught Harry backstage, surrounded by James Corden, Styles’ onstage guest Shania Twain, and his girlfriend, Olivia Wilde. Later, I took in sold-out shows in New York and at London’s Wembley Stadium. The immense love showering Styles was impossible to ignore — you see it in the faces of every fan, whether they’ve been supporting him for “one year, two years, five years, 12 years,” as he says in nearly every end-of-show thank-you speech. Along the way I heard him everywhere, even when I wasn’t trying. “As It Was” played in every cab. “Watermelon Sugar” soundtracked breakfast. “Golden” lurked quietly at a London drugstore. “Late Night Talking” blasted at a Brooklyn bar, leading one man to proclaim, “I like Harry Styles. I can admit it,” like it was a radical act of self-acceptance.

And while he may be everywhere in 2022, Styles is, at the moment, literally right in front of me, sitting in an armchair of a hotel business suite in Hamburg, Germany, on a sweaty June afternoon. After a dip in the Irish Sea this morning, he flew into town and is now enjoying a day off in the middle of his first European tour since 2018.

In person, Styles looks more like your best friend’s cute, sporty older brother than the gender-bending style icon he’s become. He’s left the boas and sequin jumpsuits in the dressing room, opting instead for a blue Adidas track jacket, gym shorts, and Gucci sneakers. His hair, often described as “tousled,” like he’s a renegade prince in a romance novel, is clipped back with a hair claw, a signature day-off accessory.

Styles is a kind of millennial anomaly: He plugs his phone in across the room, never once sneaking a glance for a rogue notification. He maintains eye contact as his thoughts unfurl in his often slow, British drawl. He’s a bit more Zen, even stoic, than he once was; that goofy, class-clown energy he exuded when the world first fell in love with him in One Direction 12 years ago has naturally diminished. But he’s still as affable and charming as ever, remembering details from small talk we had in all the other cities where I had been (professionally) stalking him, and proving earnestly curious about how I was going to spend my time in Hamburg and how magazine deadlines work. (Back in New York, after surprising fans at a Spotify event for his new album, he asked me my thoughts on David Crosby’s most recent album, which he loved.)

“My great uncle lives here,” Styles says of Hamburg. “He married a German lady, so I have a German cousin. They always used to come and visit when I was a kid, and the only word in English [the cousin] knew was ‘lemonade.’ I didn’t know if she actually wanted lemonade or was trying to say ‘Give me some water please!’ ”

Of course it wasn’t meant to take him this long to get back to places like Hamburg, where he’ll play for more than 50,000 fans tomorrow night at Volksparkstadion, a local football stadium. Love on Tour, the name for his current trek, was supposed to launch in the spring of 2020, a few months after Styles released his second album, Fine Line. We all know what happened next.

Styles didn’t get to play live again until last fall, but something funny happened in the interim. While we were bound to our homes, Styles experienced his first Number One hit in Fine Line’s “Watermelon Sugar,” a tune so sweet it may take a moment to realize he’s singing about cunnilingus. Less than a year later, he won his first Grammy for it.

As the pandemic deepened, Styles ended up back in Los Angeles, where he keeps a home, and moved in with three friends. They’d “go for walks, cook dinner, wash the lettuce, all that kind of stuff,” he says, until he decided to use his downtime productively and began writing new material. Rick Rubin’s Malibu studio, Shangri-La, was available, so Styles moved in with longtime producers and co-writers Kid Harpoon and Tyler Johnson. “We didn’t really know what we were going in for,” he says. “It just felt like sitting at home doing nothing might feel better if we all move in together and try to make some music.” Before they knew it, they were making Harry’s House, a revelatory statement that happens to be his most radio-friendly album to date. He took inspiration from Haruomi Hosono’s 1973 LP, Hosono House, which he first heard when he lived in Japan years ago, and treated the songs like they were an internal monologue, traversing a day in his life.

When flying became an option, Styles came home to London. Later, he drove down to Italy in his late stepdad’s car with a friend, listening to the jazz CDs left behind. He visited the Trevi Fountain one day, likely wearing his short-lived pandemic mustache, and was greeted with just four other people instead of the usual throngs that surround the historic site: “I felt like every day you’d say, ‘Weird time, isn’t it?’ Then go, ‘Yeah, it’s fucking insane!’ ”

He credits his stream of roommates — friends, collaborators — with keeping him together during this time. “I really would’ve struggled if I’d done the whole thing by myself,” he says, mirroring the “Harry, you’re no good alone” lyric from “As It Was.” After Italy, Styles visited friends in France, then returned to work, eventually posting up at Real World Studios near Bath, England. By the time he set off across the U.S. to finally tour behind Fine Line last fall, Harry’s House was secretly finished.

Now, besides the unavoidable singles and the victory-lap world tour, there are other indicators of next-level stardom: his skin-care, nail-polish, and clothing line called Pleasing and a fashion collection with Gucci, not to mention his flourishing movie career. He’s starring in the psychological thriller Don’t Worry Darling and in the intimate drama My Policeman, and he’s nabbed a deal with Marvel Studios to play Eros in at least one of the Eternals films. “Everything in my life has felt like a bonus since X-Factor,” he says, referring to the singing competition that led directly to One Direction. “Get on TV and sing. I never expected and never thought that would happen.”

But today, in a Hamburg hotel, Styles is still trying to make sense of it all. He thinks hard about love, shame, honesty, and the importance of kindness and therapy. And he worries. He worries about how he can be one of the biggest pop stars in the world, the kind who can be everything for his fans while also being a great son, brother, friend, and partner to the people standing beside him.. As everything gets bigger, Styles imagines a life that is smaller. How does the world’s most wanted man save the best parts for himself?

WHEN STYLES PLAYED two sold-out shows at Wembley Stadium in June, the first thing he did after stepping offstage each night was take a shower. The post-show shower has become a ritual: a hygienic necessity, sure, but also a crucial moment of clarity and reflection. He washes away the screams full of love and desire to just be in his presence. Anyone would be overwhelmed by that. “It’s really unnatural to stand in front of that many people and have that experience,” he says. “Washing it off, you’re just a naked person, in your most vulnerable, human form. Just like a naked baby, basically.”

Those post-Wembley showers were especially gratifying. When One Direction, which Styles casually refers to as “the band,” played the stadium in 2014, he ended up with tonsillitis on the day of the show. “I was miserable,” he recalls. “We played the first one, and I remember I came off, got in the car, and just started crying because I was so disappointed.”

Styles’ solo shows at Wembley were a reunion of sorts: He had friends and family from all parts of his life and career in the audience on both nights. His mom, Anne Twist, sister Gemma, friends, and his team all danced in the stands next to Wilde and her two young children. Even former bandmate Niall Horan swung by, smiling through “What Makes You Beautiful.”

As he’s become one of the world’s biggest pop stars, Styles’ need for privacy — for keeping that “naked baby” self out of the public eye — seems to have grown. Secrecy has helped to fend off constant questions about his sex life, the kind that were tossed his way as soon as he was of legal age.

In the past couple of years, he started to go to therapy more routinely. “I committed to doing it once a week,” he explains. “I felt like I exercise every day and take care of my body, so why wouldn’t I do that with my mind?”

Through it, he started to process parts of himself he hadn’t figured out before. “So many of your emotions are so foreign before you start analyzing them properly. I like to really lean into [an emotion] and look at it in the face. Not like, ‘I don’t want to feel like this,’ but more like, ‘What is it that makes me feel this way?’ ”

One feeling he needed to shed was shame, the kind of shame that comes from having your sex life scrutinized while you’re still just trying to make sense of it. Over the years, he learned to stop apologizing for it. He learned he could be vulnerable in private while still protecting it from the public.

Sometimes, though, he worried he was a “hypocrite” for being so closed off. His shows have become empowering safe spaces for his fans, so many of whom want to share who they are with him. Onstage, he’s helped people come out to their parents and facilitated everything from marriage proposals to gender reveals. Separating his personal life from his public one hasn’t been a choice he takes lightly. “When I’m working, I work really hard, and I think I’m really professional,” he says. “Then when I’m not, I’m not. I’d like to think I’m open, and probably quite stubborn, too, and willing to be vulnerable. I can be selfish sometimes, but I’d like to think that I’m a caring person.”

He’s found a vague balance through compartmentalization. “I’ve never talked about my life away from work publicly and found that it’s benefited me positively,” he explains, perhaps preemptively. “There’s always going to be a version of a narrative, and I think I just decided I wasn’t going to spend the time trying to correct it or redirect it in some way.”

Drawing the curtain over his life has only made everyone who’s not behind it more curious. His sexuality, for example, has been a topic of near-obsession for years. He has embraced gender fluidity in his fashion, like Mick Jagger and David Bowie before him, and has repeatedly pointed out how backward it feels to require labels and boxes for everyone’s identity. Critics of his approach have accused him of “queerbaiting,” or profiting off queer aesthetics without explicitly claiming the community. Defenders feel it’s unfair to force anyone to label themselves as one thing in order to validate their gender or creative expression.

Styles, without prompting, points out how silly he finds some of the arguments about how he may identify to be: “Sometimes people say, ‘You’ve only publicly been with women,’ and I don’t think I’ve publicly been with anyone. If someone takes a picture of you with someone, it doesn’t mean you’re choosing to have a public relationship or something.”

Of late, this can be contested. While he is everywhere, so is Olivia Wilde. The pair met on the set of Don’t Worry Darling, which she directed (more on that in a moment), then made a splash when paparazzi snapped them holding hands at his manager and close friend Jeffrey Azoff’s wedding in January 2021.

Wilde and Styles have said little about the relationship, and rumors have filled the space. Anonymous tweeters acted appalled at their age difference (as if a 28-year-old man dating a 38-year-old woman isn’t completely normal) and criticized the director-actor dating dynamic (as if there isn’t a long history of beloved Hollywood couples meeting the same way).

More intense and jarring was a corner of Styles’ fandom that has made fun of Wilde’s dancing or made lengthy Twitter threads and TikTok videos canceling her for bad or insensitive jokes made a decade ago. If Styles is already held up to a high standard, his potential partners are held to an unreachable one for some of his fans.

Styles is not the most online person — he uses Instagram to look at plants and architecture posts, has never had the TikTok app, and calls Twitter “a shitstorm of people trying to be awful to people” — but he’s still aware of how those small, toxic corners of the internet are treating the people closest to him. “That obviously doesn’t make me feel good,” he says, carefully. It’s a tightrope he’s treading in discussing this. He wants to — and does! — see the good in his fans, but there’s no denying that like every large online community, this one has a faction that runs on hate and anonymity.

Even with the boundaries he’s set between his public and private lives, sometimes “other people blur the lines for you,” he says. There’s a conversation he has to have early in a relationship, no matter how weird or premature it may feel. “Can you imagine,” he says, “going on a second date with someone and being like, ‘OK, there’s this corner of the thing, and they’re going to say this, and it’s going to be really crazy, and they’re going to be really mean, and it’s not real.… But anyway, what do you want to eat?’ ”

While Styles takes comfort in knowing his whole fandom is not like that, he still wonders about how to respond when the noise gets too loud. “It’s obviously a difficult feeling to feel like being close to me means you’re at the ransom of a corner of Twitter or something,” he says. “I just wanted to sing. I didn’t want to get into it if I was going to hurt people like that.”

When asked about her experience with his fans, Wilde is diplomatic. Like Styles, she believes in what they stand for as a collective, calling them “deeply loving people” who have fostered an accepting community. “What I don’t understand about the cruelty you’re referencing is that that kind of toxic negativity is the antithesis of Harry, and everything he puts out there,” she tells me. “I don’t personally believe the hateful energy defines his fan base at all. The majority of them are true champions of kindness.”

STYLES BECAME A leading man when he was four years old, starring in a play called Barney the Church Man. Later, he transformed into Buzz Lightyear in a production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang “because Buzz Lightyear was in the toy shop for some reason.” His other early theater credits include: Razamatazz in Bugsy Malone (“the band leader”) and the Elvis-inspired Pharaoh in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. (He would later audition for Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis, but was deemed too iconic by the director.)

Other than that, acting wasn’t really part of his life plan. He liked it, but he found a new rush when he started performing with his band White Eskimo. When they debuted at — and won — a Battle of the Bands competition, it was the first time he felt “the switch”: his teachers looking up at him, instead of vice versa. “I think I was just a showoff,” he says, with a hint of cheekiness. “I say that like it’s past tense.”

But as Styles was preparing the release of his solo debut in 2017, he took his first foray back into acting, with a supporting role in Christopher Nolan’s war epic Dunkirk. (The director said he had no idea how famous Styles was when he cast him.) By the time Marvel recruited him to become Eros, director Chloé Zhao had no one else but Styles in mind for the role. Thanos’ more heroic brother is portrayed in the comics as an intergalactic playboy of sorts, with superhuman strength and the ability to control people’s emotions (a fitting role for the planet’s hottest pop star). MCU boss Kevin Feige recently teased more from Styles, though so far, his only appearance has been the Eternals’ post-credits scene, alongside the Patton Oswalt-voiced Pip. “It’d be funny if that was it, wouldn’t it?” he jokes of his cameo.

Styles’ role in Dunkirk grabbed Wilde’s attention as she was beginning to map out Don’t Worry Darling. He was an early contender for the role of Jack, a charming but secretive husband to Florence Pugh’s increasingly troubled Alice. And Styles had plenty of reasons to be interested in Don’t Worry Darling. Wilde’s second feature film as a director reportedly started a bidding war among 18 studios, following the success of her directorial debut, Booksmart.

Pre-pandemic talks between Styles and the Darling team didn’t make it far; he was, after all, due on a global tour for most of 2020. Instead, Shia LaBeouf won the role, but by the end of that summer, Wilde had reportedly booted the actor for poor on-set behavior.

“I’d wanted to act again,” Styles says. He spent a lot of the pandemic watching movies with his quarantine set of friends and collaborators: He rescreened favorites like the 2012 Belgian drama The Broken Circle Breakdown. Some nights, he and his friends would put a bunch of titles in a hat and choose. (“There was a couple different tastes in the house, so it was between, like, Parasite and Coyote Ugly.”)

Styles was announced as LaBeouf’s replacement a month before filming began. He proved perfect for the role of Jack, who’s brought Alice to the remote, fictional American town of Victory to work on a secret project the men at the company won’t tell their wives about. Jack’s become a star employee and is desperate for his boss’s approval. “We were looking for someone with innate warmth and palpable charm,” Wilde says. “The entire story depended on the audience believing in Jack.”

Styles shot Don’t Worry Darling between September 2020 and February 2021 in L.A. and Palm Springs. Those months were the longest Styles had lived in one place in 11 years. He thought about going completely off the grid while making it: maybe get a flip phone, stop making music. “The reality is you get there on the first day and wait around for 75 percent of it,” he says. “And it’s like, ‘Actually I’m going to text my mate.’ ”

At the start, he was understandably anxious about taking on such a large role alongside stars like Pugh, Chris Pine, Gemma Chan, and Nick Kroll. “In music, there’s such an immediate response to what you do. You finish a song and people clap,” he says. “When you’re filming and they say ‘cut,’ there’s maybe part of you that expects everyone to start clapping, [but] they don’t. Everyone, obviously, goes back to doing their jobs, and you’re like, ‘Oh, shit, was it that bad?’ ” (Being an actor reminded him of session musicians: “You get called in to do your bit, and then someone else puts it all together and makes it.”)

The risk may pay off: He and Pugh are already getting awards-season buzz. Wilde says one moment “left us all in tears” — Jack’s promotion scene during a big company gala. “It’s a strange scene, full of fascist references, and a disturbing amount of male rage,” Wilde says. “The scene called for him to stand onstage with Frank (Chris Pine) and chant their creepy slogan, ‘Who’s world is it? Ours!’ over and over again. Dark as hell. But Harry took it to another level. He was so fully in the moment, he began screaming the lines to the crowd, in this primal roar, that was way more intense than anything we expected from the scene.”

According to Wilde, Pine backed away, understanding this was Harry’s moment. “The camera operator followed him as he paced around the stage like a kind of wild animal,” Wilde remembers. “We were all gobsmacked at the monitor. I think even Harry was surprised by it. Those are the best moments for an actor — when you’re completely outside your body.”

Within weeks, Styles went from the set of Darling to shooting the more intimate My Policeman. He had read the script the year prior, moved by the story enough to have contacted director Michael Grandage and request a meeting. Styles showed up with every line memorized.

Styles plays Tom, a policeman who develops feelings for a museum curator named Patrick (David Dawson). Set in the Fifties, when it was still illegal to be in a same-sex relationship in the U.K., the pair move in secret while Tom pursues a marriage with a schoolteacher named Marion (Emma Corrin). The film shifts between the past and the present, when the three reunite under dire circumstances. “It’s obviously pretty unfathomable now to think, ‘Oh, you couldn’t be gay. That was illegal,’ ” Styles says. “I think everyone, including myself, has your own journey with figuring out sexuality and getting more comfortable with it.” To him, My Policeman is a very human story. “It’s not like ‘This is a gay story about these guys being gay.’ It’s about love and about wasted time to me.”

According to Styles, Grandage wanted to highlight what sex is really like between two men in the scenes between Tom and Patrick. “So much of gay sex in film is two guys going at it, and it kind of removes the tenderness from it,” Styles continues. “There will be, I would imagine, some people who watch it who were very much alive during this time when it was illegal to be gay, and [Michael] wanted to show that it’s tender and loving and sensitive.”

Darling and Policeman make their big premieres at prestigious film festivals in Venice and Toronto late this summer, but Styles isn’t sure his pivot to the silver screen will be permanent. “I don’t imagine I’d do a movie for a while,” he says. There are rumors about how many Marvel movies he’s signed on for and other franchises he might be secretly in talks to do. (In response to a rumor he’ll be starring in a future Star Wars series, he says, “That’s the first I’ve heard of that. I’d imagine … false.”)

He doesn’t rule out taking on new roles. “I think there’ll be a time again when I’ll crave it,” he says. “But when you’re making music, something’s happening. It feels really creative, and it feeds stuff. A large part of acting is the doing-nothing, waiting thing. Which if that’s the worst part, then it’s a pretty good job. But I don’t find that section of it to be that fulfilling. I like doing it in the moment, but I don’t think I’ll do it a lot.”

LIKE A TRUE tousled-haired prince, Styles invites me to attend a concert with him by the philharmonic in Hamburg, eight hours before his own show.

On past tours, he says, “I was getting to a lot of cities and feeling like ‘I’ve been here six times and I’ve never seen any of it.’ ” This tour, he’s been taking in a lot of architecture. “It’s something I can do on my own, just sit somewhere and look at stuff,” he says.

Studying the finer points of buildings fits the regimented, disciplined, and distinctly grown-up tour life he’s created. Styles has found himself enamored with routine on the road: 10 hours of sleep a night, IV injections pumping him with nutrients and vitamins, a strict acid-reflux-conscious diet that cuts out coffee, alcohol, and certain foods that affect the throat 50,000 fans are depending on. Last night, he slept with two humidifiers that apparently made it look like he was stepping out of a steam room when he opened his hotel-room door.

The Elbphilharmonie Hamburg — “Elphi” for short — is a striking structure, looking something like a gorgeous sail. Styles is wearing the same outfit as when I met him in the hotel the day before, only with shorts swapped out for pinstripe pants and a surgical mask covering his face. He and I are both late and can’t be let into the show until intermission, so instead we comb through the backstage hallways and elevators to see rooms built for incredible acoustics and sweeping views of Hamburg. He marvels at all of it. In a temperature-controlled room full of pianos, he asks our tour guide which is the best (“Is there a shining star?”) before sitting down at one and playing for a couple of dreamy, Beatlesque minutes. (He’d mentioned earlier that he spent last summer playing piano every day with his morning coffee.) He has questions about paneling. And like a true tourist, he takes pictures of everything.

The first time I ever met Styles was a lot like this. On his first headlining tour, in San Francisco in 2017, I went backstage to interview Kid Harpoon. Styles stumbled into the room where I was waiting, strolling around less like a headliner with fans lined up around the block and more like the lighting guy. Here was someone who is inexplicably difficult to casually enjoy (you watch one video of One Direction’s funniest interview moments on YouTube and suddenly you’re contemplating how many of their cardboard cutouts you can fit in your dorm) acting so casually. He greeted me then like an old friend, not someone who was still refusing to let go of a One Direction keychain at the time. He asked me how I had been, what I was up to in San Francisco, and if I was excited for the show. Of course I remember every second of it.

Styles has a gift for making those in his presence feel seen. Just ask fans who bump into him on walks through Central Park or Hampstead Heath, then detail those moments as if they had met the pope (granted, the pope could never pull off a hair claw).

Before the second half of the concert at the Elphi, the crowd mingles and grabs drinks. As we walk through, Styles goes unnoticed. (The mask helps.) It’s funny to watch one of the world’s biggest pop stars move through space with such ease, as if he’s blissfully unaware of how well-known he is.

“If you make your life about the fact that you can’t go anywhere and everything has to be a big deal, then that’s what your life becomes,” he says. “Now, in London, I walk everywhere. It’s hard to stumble across things and restaurants and places and stuff if you’re just driving everywhere, and it’s just not that fun.”

Styles outlines his upcoming months for me: In August, after he wraps his European tour in Lisbon, he’ll go on vacation with some friends, maybe catch up on the Love Island season he was “gutted” to miss, or see if The Bear is as good as everyone tells him it is. The next leg of his tour includes stops in L.A., New York, Austin, and Chicago as extended residencies, a decision that meets his personal need for a less strenuous touring schedule and a professional need to be able to attend film festivals and rent studios to write and record music for his fourth album. “I’m always writing,” he says. He and his collaborators are already throwing around ideas. “I think all of us are so excited to get back to it, which feels insane because we’ve just put an album out.”

More than ever, he is thinking about the future. He wants to take meaningful time off at some point — from touring at least, he’s always writing — and ensure he’s a more present figure for his family and friends. In turn, he’s learned to define what real love looks like to him. “The fantasy, or the vision, or the version of you that people can build you up to be feels like a person that isn’t flawed,” he explains. “What I value the most from my friends is I feel like I’m constantly reminded that it’s OK to be flawed. I think I’m pretty messy and make mistakes sometimes. I think that’s the most loving thing: You can see someone’s imperfections, and it’s not [that you] love them in spite of that, but it’s [that you] love them with that.”

He’s thinking about what it would be like if he had children one day: “Well, if I have kids at some point, I will encourage them to be themselves and be vulnerable and share.”

He’s thinking about what he wants to say, too. Styles admits he was uninterested in politics as a teenager, oblivious to things that didn’t personally affect him. But as he grew more famous, he worried about that, too. “I took a massive look at myself,” he says, “and was like, ‘Oh, I don’t do enough . . . or anything.” When conversations around anti-Blackness and inaction reached a fever pitch in 2020, Styles marched in the streets and read books like How to Be an Anti-Racist, by Ibram X. Kendi, and The Will to Change, by bell hooks. He started thinking about racial and gender equity, especially as someone who employs many people on the road. “Pretending as a white person you don’t get a head start just isn’t true,” he says.

We were hanging out right after Roe v. Wade had been overturned in America. “I can’t begin to imagine how terrifying it is to be a woman in America at the moment,” he says. He’ll grab a fan’s sign that reads “My Body, My Choice” at the Hamburg show, displaying it proudly onstage. There’s an energy in the crowds that fills him with careful optimism. “I feel lucky to see a group of people, even just on this tour, who come together in a way,” he says. “I think that group of people is so much less afraid of opening the wound, talking about it, and doing the work, than the generation before us.”

As we wait for the philharmonic’s packed show to restart, I notice a few young girls with their families in the audience and ask Styles what he thinks the crossover between this crowd and his show tonight will be. He looks around at the mostly older faces and goes, “Less than one percent … I know I’ll be at both.”

Styles watches the orchestra studiously. When the conductor leaves and then returns to a standing ovation, Styles whispers, “He’s about to play his big hit.” Even when he’s not peacocking in front of 50,000, he’s still trying to entertain the one person he’s with.

We walk out before the crowd fully disperses. Styles lingers a second to take some photos of the room before he heads out to get ready for his concert, where he’ll bounce around the stage, lifted by the wails of young fans who have been waiting years for this moment.

His fans will linger tonight, too, crowding in the hundreds outside Volksparkstadion. They’ll take photos of their outfits, their tear- and sweat-stained glittery faces, the piles of abandoned boa feathers. They’ll play his big hits back to him, holding a phone-light vigil as they sing One Direction’s “Night Changes” or the Fine Line ballad “Falling.” As the city echoes as much of him as it can take, he’ll probably be washing it all away.

[itakesurveys]

Survey 360

If I could choose what decade I was born in, I’d choose… i would choose the 70′s, the fashion is on point. 

The first thing I’d do after winning the lottery is… .. would hire a lawyer, accountant, and then buy a tiny house. 

The videos that always make me laugh are… hmm, vine comedy. 

A trend I really love is… i like skinny jeans, bell bottoms, and belly rings XD 2000s. 

One of my most original costumes was… peter pan, i made it. 

Between sunrises and sunsets, I prefer…. Sunrises.

If for one day I could be invisible or fly, I’d choose to… i would fly, because it’s coinvent, 

My perfect pizza looks like… ummm, thin crust, with a sweeter sauce, and cripsy. 

I wish I had hair like… k pop star. 

If I could be feared by all or loved by all, I’d choose to be… loved by all. 

Once in my life, I’d like to cut my hair like… um.. i don’t want to. sorry. 

My feelings about coconut flavor are… i love fucking love coconuts. 

One of my favorite writers is… -- 

My favorite mode of transportation is… i love trains. 

One of my favorite singers is… Britney Spears. 

When I go to a new restaurant and have no idea what to order I… Look at the menu and see if anything catches my eye?

What’s a favorite hobby of yours? my favorite hobby, currently overwatch. 

I think a good source of therapy is… .. funny youtube videos. 

A friend who I can always be myself around is… My husband.

A friend who always makes me laugh is… Anna, always makes me laugh because of our dark sense of humor. 

Something helpful to lose weight is… drink a lot of water. 

In the shower, I like to sing… umm, i like to dance. 

The furthest I’ve ever traveled is… umm, i’ve never further than 3 hours from my front door. 

The best car I’ve ever owned is… i’ve never owned a car. 

A party I had so much fun at was… i always have fun. 

A fear of mine is… kidnapped. 

My favorite season is… fall. 

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… uber eats gift cards. 

Between movies and TV, which would you prefer? i love movies. 

A new year’s resolution I haven’t been able to accomplish yet is… all of them. 

The image that best reflects my personality is… this is good. ummm..