#and I've spent a really long time avoiding even thinking about it too long bc it fucks with my anxiety too much bc of personal reasons

[melodic-haze]

h-hey 👯‍♀️😕😜🎀

Since you said in your other post that you wanted to write for either Miko or Ei, I HAD AN IDEA!!

What if Miko and fellow kitsune!Reader who start their breeding months (in january obviously) and have Ei volunteering herself to them not knowing that they can’t obviously be sated in just one day 🙄 (r.i.p her cunny)

☆ — DEMO TRACK: switch!Miko x sub!Ei x dom!Reader

☆ — TYPE: NSFW

☆ — CONTENT WARNINGS: Reader and Miko can shift what they want (specifically their genitals 😄), knotting and breeding (not really)

☆ — NOTES: You. YOUUUUUU. Are such a genius ily anon ty for this 🙏🙏🙏

Ohhhh this bitch REALLY fucked around and found out LOL I almost feel bad.......almost

Have to hand it to Ei though, she DID try to research before proposing the idea in the first place. Especially since this is set in the first year since she got out the PoE........but studying it obv won't be the same as the real thing LOL

You and Miko have fared relatively okay on your own—the two of you have ABSOLUTELY mated before to ease each other's heat but it always felt like something was missing. You both made sure to take procedures to make sure neither of you ever concieved a child after the process with the excuse of the two of you being way too busy to care for one but like. The actual main reason was that if you were to have a child, you both wanted to have the third piece of the puzzle there with you

Now that the third member of your polycule's back, your heats are STRONGER THAN EVER bc wtf she's acc here??? Ughfhghfhh neeeeeed......like do you get me I hope you do

It wasn't as if it was a normal discussion to have out in public (you both always talked about it indoors until neither of you needed to really talk ab it anymore from all the time spent w each other) but it was a nice picnic between the three of you; Ei's head was on Miko's thighs as she ate up yet ANOTHER skewer of tricolour dango while you were leaning on the latter's side when she brought it up

Ei cleared her throat with a slight tinge of nervousness, "Could I perhaps, ah.. assist the both of you in your mating period?"

You choked on the dango that you were about to swallow as you see Miko startle the slightest bit, nearly dropping her novel in the process.

When you managed to regain your composure (or at least a modicum of it), you could only rush out a simple "'scuse me?" as Miko placed her book down to the side with a raised brow.

Miko combed her fingers through Ei's hair as she questioned, "What brought this on, dear?"

"Well..." The Archon licked her lips as she slowly got her words out, "I've.. left you two for over five hundred years. And while I'm glad that you both had each other for company whenever the season hits, I cannot deny that.. well, I feel bad, I suppose."

"You feel bad," the shrine priestess mocked, which.. really, wasn't all that undeserved, despite the fact that she was mocking the nation's leader.

"For a lack of a better word, yes." She sits up and turns to the both of you, putting the now-empty skewer aside, "Now that I have returned from my admittedly self-imposed isolation, it would be remiss of me to.. avoid my duties as your lover."

"I don't mean to be rude, Your Excellency," you teased, "but do you even know what you're saying? You've been in the Plane of Euthymia for so long; I worry for your safety."

You hear the pink fox envoy let out a quiet snort of amusement for your slight condescension (all in good faith, of course) as Ei sighed, "I think you forget that I am not a fragile mortal who needs to be coddled—I can withstand brutal wars and come out victorious."

"Besides," she adds, "I have done a fair amount of research to refresh my knowledge. I assure you both that I can take whatever it is you give me."

Miko mused, "I thought you knew better than to rely on textbook information rather than actual experiment, Ei."

"You're trying much too hard to dissuade me from my offer."

"We both deserve to rib into you for at least a couple hundred years."

"Especially considering how we've been left to fend for ourselves..."

"I.. suppose I do deserve that. And I want to make amends for it all, starting with this. So.. will you let me help? Please?" She looked at the both of you with such sincerity despite the subject matter.

...

The fact that Raiden Ei herself was begging the two of you though...

The both of you jumped her sides with sharing grins, your ears flicking in sync as you let out your own laughs.

"You should hope that you don't regret that, Ei.."

"..Because we are rather.. insatiable."

Then comes the actual thing and ohhhhh girlie was NOT prepared

When I said your heats get worse bc of how Ei's back, I fucking MEAN IT. It's the fact that that familiar sweet smell isn't just a not-quite-forgotten memory for you two anymore that it's just driving you both abslutely NUTS

When she gets to you two she gets POUNCED ON and there is. Basically no break for her at all and foreplay is basically foreGONE atp tbh

Eat her cunt like a bitch STARVED it's like both you and Miko are competing and assisting each other at the same time like who can eat her out better, who can make her squirt, etc etc

SO MANY BITE MARKS ON HER HOLY SHIT like okay yes on you and Miko as well but both of you want to mark Ei EXTREMELY for all the time you've lost with her. The both of you wanna show both Ei and perhaps the entirety of Inazuma that archon is YOURS at the end of the day......at least, if the loud noises didn't give them enough of a hint 🤷‍♀️

You're so right anon rip Ei's cunny indeed bc both you and Miko ABUSE the living HELL out of it❗️❗️❗️ You do often have to personally pry Miko off when she's overstaying in the spot you're supposed to share 🫶🫶🫶🫶 just tell her she's being a VERY bad girl rn and she'll fold. Usually she wouldn't but the haze (lol) in her mind is sooo fucking thick she can't think straight and she can't think of the witty remarks she would've otherwise made :((( poor baby the only thing she wants to do is breed and get bred :(((((((

I need to spitroast her with Miko so very badly I'm ngl to you I neeeed I NEEEEED I need to see Ei being impaled on both ends, both sides basically slobbering

It'd be very messy and would 100% take so long before you finish but when you do, it's with your fellow kitsune's own pussy practically filled to the brim and Leaking as she's laid out and finally passed out as your hips are locked in on your Archon's own; you cumming inside of you for like the nth time and stuffing her full w a mix of both your and Miko's cum and essentially plugging it with an inflamed bulb :3

Whether Ei has a system that allows her to get pregnant or not, gen who knows.......but one thing's def for sure. Or like three things acc: one, you two are VERY clearly excited that your shared lover is finally back; two, turns out she absolutely LOVES being used and bred by her two partners; and three?

It was an unusually hard thing to do, waking up. Despite having an artifical body and being an archon that has faced true horrors and extreme exhaustion, she found herself absolutely spent from the marathon.. copulation.

Ei had hoped that her exhaustion meant that the two of you were much more tired than she was, even despite your inhumanity, and yet...

Her eyes couldn't help but flutter open as a sudden gasp left her lips—she sees you push into her roughly with a lust-addled look on your face. You were already inside her when she fell asleep, considering the animalistic knot that held the both of you together, but even when it had shrunk to a more.. manageable level, you still hadn't taken it out.

Then Ei looks slightly to the right and there she sees her pink-haired familiar, heavily breathing as she grinded her wet, hot pussy onto her thighs with such loud, obscene moans.

(If the Archon listened close enough, which she did, she would've noticed the slight growl to the sounds she made—such a sound was at its most clearest when she ducked down to press another bite mark on porcelain skin.)

She couldn't even utter a word to remark that she had just woken up, didn't even have the room to do anything to stop you before you started pounding away at her like your life depended on it.

..And she could. Really, she could. She wasn't the feared Raiden Shogun for nothing.

She could stop you if she wanted to.

If she wanted to.

But when she feels the residual fluids within her gush out as you essentially resculpt her insides over and over and over, when she feels the desperate whines that Miko lets out as she cums and covers her thigh in slick, well.

She finds that she doesn't really want to.

(And really, not only was it her fault for volunteering, but this is her responsibility as your lover.)

(She knew that, and she wasn't going to start shirking her responsibilities again.)

(Even if it costs her her mobility for a while. But it's fine, she can just do a lot of maintenance after.)

[madara-fate]

my pet peeve with sasusaku is that sakura’s feelings were off screened in part 2 and there was NO substantial reason for her to feel that way and retain such feelings for so long, even tho the story’s backbone is the concept of bonds stemming from people who understand each other due to sharing heavy hardships. i mean, it would’ve been great if she got to reflect etc but ultimately it might come off as dumb bc what would she be thinking anyway? “oh it started as a schoolgirl crush but idk why it changed but nvm now idc like that bc he’s a terrorist i love naruto” kishi said himself he avoided writing in a reason for her feelings bc it would look contrived and he also said she’d be a terrible woman for moving on from sasuke and misogyny aside, it’s bc he wrote himself into a corner with her initial characterization & arc that he stuck with for too long.

my pet peeve with sasusaku is that sakura’s feelings were off screened in part 2 and there was NO substantial reason for her to feel that way and retain such feelings for so long

Firstly, I fail to see how her feelings were off screened when they were only reiterated at regular intervals. Secondly, they spent a lot of time together, she got to know who Sasuke truly was as a person, saw how much he was struggling internally, and wanted to help ease his suffering. Feelings can often very easily arise from wanting to help one in need. Thirdly, why would she need a reason to retain her feelings? It's not like Sasuke's suffering ceased during Part 2; he was still in desperate need of help and I'm gonna come back to this point later on when you mention "misogyny", because I'm so tired of people throwing around that term where it doesn't belong.

even tho the story’s backbone is the concept of bonds stemming from people who understand each other due to sharing heavy hardships.

That's not the story's backbone. Do you really mean to tell me that you can't name any close bonds in the story that didn't initially derive from the two people in question sharing some empathy?

i mean, it would’ve been great if she got to reflect etc but ultimately it might come off as dumb bc what would she be thinking anyway? “oh it started as a schoolgirl crush but idk why it changed but nvm now idc like that bc he’s a terrorist i love naruto”

I've explained why her feelings changed above - Her schoolgirl crush was based on this idea of a perfect Sasuke that every other girl in the academy seemed to have. The cool and composed Sasuke who gets straight A's in both the physical and written exams. All of that changed once she began spending time with him and discovering that beneath that seemingly perfect exterior was a very troubled boy.

kishi said himself he avoided writing in a reason for her feelings bc it would look contrived and he also said she’d be a terrible woman for moving on from sasuke and misogyny aside, it’s bc he wrote himself into a corner with her initial characterization & arc that he stuck with for too long

There's no misogyny here. Nothing Kishi said demonstrated any ingrained hatred or contempt for women. So for god's sake people need to stop throwing around that term whenever they come across a female character who they feel should have been treated better in one way or another. That "terrible woman" quote (which people constantly choose to just focus on that and ignore the entire context of the conversation), is Kishi saying that if Sakura suddenly switched her feelings to Naruto, right after he had become the village hero, and dropped Sasuke like a bag of sick despite him still desperately needing help, that would have made her look terrible, because it would've made her seem like she only cares about one's status, reputation and how "cool" they're deemed by society, but that was not the case. They even made a point to highlight this during her fake confession - Sakura referenced a quote describing women as fickle, but Naruto told her to stop lying to herself, because he knew that Sakura's feelings for Sasuke were anything but fickle:

This was no longer the Sakura who had a crush on Sasuke because she and every other girl in the academy thought he was "cool". No, Sasuke at this point was a wanted international criminal who was anything but socially "cool", and yet Sakura still loved him anyway. Why? Because she didn't care about how cool he was - She knew that Sasuke had a heart of gold, she knew that he was dealing with a lot of mental and internal strife, and she knew that he could still be saved. That's why she retained her feelings for Sasuke despite his transgressions, and it had nothing to do with apparent misogyny.

[donnyclaws]

Ur website so cool!! ❤️❤️ Do you have by any chances coding tips? Been trying to make my own website for a while but adhd won't let me concentrate a second when it comes to learning coding

Thank you! And 100% It is deceptively approachable but also time consuming, I'm familiar enough with html from a highschool class where we did need to write code out by hand, and then soft practice with coding toyhou.se profiles and futzing around with free code snippets. Largely though I don't think you need to know everything or to write everything by hand, you just need to frankenstein code pieces together (As long as they're free ofc).

I used this first, it's fucking insanely handy and lets you make a simple layout with sidebars, navigation, header, footer and a body base ect, and then just generate and copy the code. The html itself also has greyed out little notes about what parts do what!

I'll be real the rest of it after that is just me googling what I want to do or googling html snippets bc I forgot them. So like html image link with size attributes ect ect, how to make a html image gallery. I don't use one site exclusively but w3schools.com has a bunch of common ones and also has a little live code editor in its tutorials.

Like I still get greatly stumped for hours bc code's kinda sensitive and one or two characters out of place will break sections of it especially when ur just frankensteining. Trying out little segments in live code editors is really helpful because you can kinda break it apart and diagnose the issue before putting it into your site html.

Also if it helps this is kind of how I break it down in my brain as another ADHD-er. so fuckign sorry for how this looks im doing it in snipping tool. But code bits love to live in cages even if it all looks the same, iit would also help if you clean your code up mine is pretty horrid but you just want to familiarize yourself with the little "Sections" ig that's where doing things by hand would help because you would 100% know what each chunk is for but yk yk.

CSS is a different beast I barely understand. The parts of code where it starts stacking on top instead of being horizontal is css and it's basically how you do fancier things to your code, it's linked to stuff you already have down. So like changing the background in the body text box or something, you can only do so much in there. Css targetting the body text box is where you can level it up. Again the sadgrl layout builder has notes so you're not completely blind in there. There's also 100% so many resources to explain what all these words mean, my mmethod is incredibly avoidant I don't know what flex is I haven't needed to fight her yet ect ect.

Sorry if this is confusing this is just my hack and slash understanding atm. Be humbled by code I've spent too long trying to fix up hysterical margin issues just because I had a random apostrophe somewhere or because I tried to spell it colour and not color ect.

[thesalemwitchtries]

Okay so I've been lurking a lot instead of reblogging as I try to do, and this is because when I'm in the library doing work and get distracted by a good fic, it feels less like being off task if I'm just reading and not interacting, like reading is taking a study break, good for the brain, but interacting is being On Your Phone, and is off task.

Now the semester is done however, and I am free to do as I wish guilt free. One of the major things that I need to catch up on is a new fandom rabbit-hole that I fell into, which began with me accidentally stumbling on a fic while late-night scrolling, reading it, and then proceeding to completely devour almost the entire catalogue of works of several writers. I'll get around to re-reading and commenting on what I've spent the past like two weeks being absolutely lost in, but first I wanted to give a quick shout-out to the accounts because I know that sailor-aviator is having a milestone positivity event, and also they all just deserve it.

I think it started with @roosterforme and Bradley Bradshaw, and then devolved into reading almost everything that @jupitercomet, @sailor-aviator, and @goldenseresinretriever have ever published. This next part is long-winded gushing and also I think maybe turned into a marriage proposal? I'm not sure, hopefully its not creepy/weird

Seriously amazing work, like I can't truly express the amount of resistance I had to tgm before finding these accounts, but I had avoided watching the movie for the longest time bc my super shitty ex was a pilot (Air Force, and in training, but still we did tour the ship in SD when we were together) and also because he seriously looks like if you bought a hybrid of Lewis Pullman and Glen Powell from Dollar Tree and then made him scrawny, incredibly boring, and also unable to understand the word no or that it's not a crime to do a little shimmy when a good song comes on the grocery store radio

Now I feel cured of that in a way, like I don't know him, who was that? All I know are the incredible and delicious men that these guys are writing about.

You guys are out here soothing traumas unknowingly all while writing kicking-my-legs-blushing-and-giggling quality romances, like, can't thank you enough for the work and effort and time that has clearly gone into all that you guys are doing (for free!) and I hope that you all are proud of what you've been creating.

Like yeah, fanfic is just silly little stories, but these are your silly little stories that wouldn't exist without your hardwork and brains, and also they're incredible silly little stories. 🫶

Specifically I've been obsessed with sailor's Tarzan Bradley (he's so in love and also horny I love it, 🫠 ugh can't get enough), and her Bob series is so cute and seasonal I love him sm! 🥰🥰

And I didn't want to get sucked in, but sailor's merman Jake series converted me to becoming a part-time Jake girlie, of course with the help of golden's hockey au with Bugs and Lola, they're so cute and I'm living for Honey and Bradley you don't even know. I used to go to hockey games with my grandpa all the time (go Fireants lmao) so its nostalgic, but also bc of that old-guy association I don't think I ever really considered the horny potential of hockey, so thanks so much for opening my eyes to new growth opportunities for male objectification 😭

Anyways I hope this isn't like, too weird or makes you uncomfortable, I just wanted to take the chance to get out some of this built-up appreciation and share some positive thoughts ig, thanks for all your work and creativity, and also for bringing me a new fandom to hyperfixate on, its like a christmas gift, lol

[nicistrying]

Sat 31st Dec 23

Ending 2023 on a high after a long, stressful Christmas week. We ended up staying at Matt's parents' from Christmas Eve through to yesterday bc they only live 5 mins from the nursing home where his grandma was dying. So we went to sit with her every day to look through old pictures, talk about her favourite memories, and towards the end just to keep her company and hold her hand because she was too exhausted to do anything or even speak. It was so sad and the one thing she said was that she just wanted to drift away peacefully so it was awful to see her distressed and uncomfortable for almost a week as she deteriorated. But I think it meant a lot to her that we were all there at some point every day just so she wasn't alone. She died the 28th so we spent the 29th with his family and tbh everyone was just so relieved she wasn't in pain any more. And because they knew it was coming they had already come to terms with it. So it kind of felt like a peaceful day rather than grieving. We all just relaxed, I just sat around reading my book all day bc I had been doing as much housework at our house as I could to avoid us coming home to an actual bomb site, and also at his parents' so they didn't have to do it after spending 8 hours at a time at the home. We came home last night to have one night together in our own home with our shiny new TV that all Matt's brothers chipped in for us for Christmas bc our old one was really on its last legs. Matt was working a late shift at the hospital so I spent all night unpacking, doing laundry and cleaning to get the house straightened up a bit.

Today though, we had a lie in together (got up at 8.30!!) and woke up to a gorgeous sunny day so we both took Mags out for a lovely long walk. Had lunch and a cuddle on the couch, then Matt went up to do some uni work before we go to his brother's for NYE tonight with the rest of the family. I did more housework and then finally got to work out - I've been craving exercise all week but had an awful period and walking Mags for 20 minutes at a time was painful enough, and obvs we were spending as much time with family as we could. Despite everything, we did actually have a lovely Christmas Day. Just my dad was a dick both times I saw him over the holidays which is exactly what I expected therefore not worth getting upset about.

Anyway, it felt great to have a more normal day today and to get a proper workout. I did legs - strength followed by 25 mins on the bike which I'm just finishing up as I'm typing bc I need to go get ready for tonight.

Outfit for tonight after about 10 changes

Hope everyone has a great NYE with your loved ones!

[ifiwereawriter]

I know this is meant to be a "writing" blog, I know, I just need an anonymous safe place to vent right now or imma be screaming, crying, or throwing up pretty soon.

So this is about love. Relationships. Boy drama. *Rolls eyes* of course it is. That's pretty much the only thing you yell to your diary about.

Anyway, I have NEVER been in a relationship. I am in my mid twenties. I grew up super conservative Christian homeschool etc. I'm pretty much scared of social interaction and especially scared of guys. So about 3/4 a year ago, my fam took guy A on an interstate trip with us. I won't take a long time to tell the story BC you don't need that, but the bare bones of it that are relevant are: him and I got along, we shared a moment when I got real and told him my family dynamics and some really personal stuff about my life while I was fricking painting my nails and sitting on a trailer and no one else was around. Then, the trip was over, things were a bit weird but friendly until he called me beautiful. And this freaked me the Frick out. I liked him as a friend but not the something more that this CLEARLY implied. Then I just real-life ghosted him as well as I could and he probably picked up on it bc I was actually giving him the silent treatment/cold shoulder which I totally regret in hindsight but at the moment I was so angry with him and freaked out. He went overseas too and I was desperately praying that he would find a girlfriend in his hometown lmao.

Cut to tonight and I have been thinking about guy A because guy B is on the scene now (I will tell that story soon). And guys A is at the event I go to, and he is being super sweet with the kids and everything and I think about him. But at one point, I see him walking with a girl who is there who is prettier, cooler and closer in age to him than me and guys, if I didn't feel crazy at that. Like, if I truly don't like him I would be happy if they got together but dang it kind of ate me up and set me off a bit. Like I couldn't. And tonight I'm eating some cup tapokki and I can only think back to the time I had tapokki with guy A. It was the only time I've had it before tonight and we were eating at a Korean restaurant on our family trip with just two of my brothers and if was probably the most datelike thing I have ever been on. So I like him??? Do I even know what I like? And even if I liked a guy wholeheartedly, I would STILL be too much of an inexperienced self-shameing pussy to act!

So guy B is a handful, and not a very pleasant one. I know him through my social circles and I genuinely find it painful to talk to him. He is a great listener, and so am I. He just draws me out so badly because otherwise he leaves the conversation on the most awkward pauses and he just unsettles me for SURE. So that's the scene. I don't like talking to guy B and while he has characteristics I admire, in general I do not like his lack of social awareness. Cut to, my Dad tells me someone has come to him weeks ago and asked if he could 'get to know me better'. I still live at home and did I mention, super Christian conservative parents? He doesn't tell me who the guy is but after a couple of hints I am certain it is guy B. I cannot think of a single other person it would be. And damnit. I don't want my dad to say 'no' of course, I don't believe in that, but I literally do. not. like. this. guy. at. all!

So now I am feeling extremely self-conscious about this guy and he was at the event tonight and I spent the whole entire night trying to avoid him. My dad got a call from an unlisted number while I was talking to him and he left to go pick it up. I look over and Guy B is standing across the room on. his. phone. He was probably asking for my dad's answer since it had been the amount of time my dad said he wanted to wait. Damn it.

Now I am eating comfort food at home after all this. And posting a stupid ramble about it on my side account. FML tbh. Boys, you can't live with em, you can't live without em, amiright? I need therapy.

[daz4i]

actually i AM gonna post abt this again. sorry

like when i say they make me feel like i'm in a story. i mean it

we started talking and immediately clicked. talked nonstop for days really

we both had relationships like that years before, but then paused that behavior bc we were young and it wasn't the healthiest, but now we were adults and knew better. it was the first one after that break for both of us

i avoided this behavior for awhile bc i knew it's not the healthiest but it felt so good when it happened. i (rightfully) feared the crash but at the time, the high was so worth it. and everything was going so smoothly too. things kept aligning just right all the time

every time i thought something is gonna come up or that i did something wrong and now it's all gonna blow up, they proved that i had no reason to worry, bc they let it slide immediately, even liked it

we kind of completed each other in every way. liked the same things and had a lot in common, but were opposites in enough things that we weren't TOO similar

i stopped worrying abt annoying them relatively early into the whole thing (usually it takes me months or even years, or i never stop at all. here it was maybe 2-3 weeks)

we became actually close right on their birthday. a small thing but you gotta admit if this was a story it'd be poetic as hell

every time they had a problem and i jokingly said i'm sending a spell their way to fix it, it passed after like 2 minutes. absolutely insane coincidence stuff

i mentioned this before. and this is gonna be embarrassing but. we met through, well, kin stuff lol. they kin chuuya, i kin dazai, we joked abt kindating etc. anyway my mental health was shit but they genuinely uplifted me a lot. they made me want to live for the first time in who knows how long, maybe ever. i think you can tell why i prefaced this story with that fact 🥲 embarrassing but real

and now this shit? 😭 another small thing but like. i make a post abt them bc now is generally around the time we started talking, and someone i follow queued a post from their blog and it posts right now?? they've been decativated for nearly a year HOW did this line up like that 😭

they unfortunately made me believe in the concept of soulmates :/ but as my friends (and mom. bc she saw me cry over the whole thing for days) said. if they cut me off and hurt me like that, they weren't ~the one~

and another thing that made me feel more like i'm in a teen movie is. i legit spent a day and a half in bed crying and barely doing anything else, after they cut me off. truly cliche stuff. actually that's a good way to put it - they made me feel like a cliche. still do when i think abt it a year later. it was a good thing at first, bad when it ended. i could make a movie abt this barely changing any detail and it'll be an average teen romantic comedy (except i'll have to add some happy ending there)

anyway let me finish all that by saying. who the fuck blocks someone on spotify 😭 dude...

(it's been a year and i got burned so badly from this whole thing that i seriously doubt i'll be able to love someone this much again. i need it to be an instant obsession to actually feel good about love, but i'll never be able to confidently go into any new relationship with that purpose because i'm just too scared things will hurt this much again. it's honestly so depressing lol 🥲 but what can ya do)

(i also became the most suicidal i've ever been since lol. probably bc of how big the drop was. it still hasn't gone away. part of why i see no point in life is bc of that previous paragraph. so.)

[masschase]

15 and 16 for Casey for the Saints Row Boss ask meme thing 💙

Ooh thank you I'm excited to get these again!

Boss ask meme

15. Are there any small things about them in the canon that you've really run with in your headcanon?

This is a question I recall really wanting someone to ask me when I made this meme and it's taken so long I've forgotten half of what I wanted to say 🤣

I'm going to go with what I still remember though I'm sure there's way more. Everyone knows I'm canon's bitch by this point. When I started my fanfic I wasn't thinking Matt x OC, I was thinking Matt and The Boss.

So I spent hours on wiki reading about The Boss, combined with what I remembered from actually playing, working in elements of a fitting backstory where I could, and that somehow made Casey. I kind of didn't realise she was an OC until tumblr 😅

Anyway, here are some of the results of that memory/research:

Likes Jane Austen, and the Brontës(male Boss mentions reading Jane Eyre a load of times). That somehow became her quoting it when she's drunk and with a lot of research bc that's really not my thing, drawing parallels between Emma and Mr. Knightley and Casey and Matt(but there's the odd Mr. Darcy joke too). God the fact I bought the Jane Austen collection and the Prose Edda (where the story of Ragnarok is from) to ship these two is not normal of me.

Doesn't like talking about life before the Saints/daddy issues.

I've used the whole 'Playa was originally called Mikey/Mickey" thing by making her middle name Michaiła and therefore Mikki bring one of her pseudonyms.

Somewhat interested in Nyte Blayde after Matt's mission(she's actually the one who appears on his couch at the time she knows he watches one time).

The idea that she rambles when she's emotional, particularly in the romantic sense, and that all of her partners will at some point have to shut her up with a kiss because of it, comes directly from the GatBoss romance scene. In fact the idea that she's not always the best at initiating physical contact even though she really wants/needs it kind of grew from that, too.

The whole going to a massage parlor way too young thing; there's a whole scene with a time-travelling Matt and Johnny seeing her come out of there.

Being bad with tech bc there are a few mentions in different games about that.

Liking robots when she was 6 is something that comes up a few times. I also ran with the fact that she and Matt are the only ones who call it "the robot".

Her voice mentions a therapist at times. I used that for at least one of the reasons she mellows out over time, especially between 2&3.

Surreal jokes such as "Asha, that light had a family."

I saw on the wiki that Boss is supposedly 6'2"; I made her 5'9" with 5 inch heels.

The fact the Boss uses the heavy pistol a lot in cutscenes is why her gold .45 Fletcher became her signature weapon.

As I say, there's probably way more! I don't want to make this so long that no-one reads it!

16. Is there anything from the games you've drastically avoided or downplayed in your headcanon?

This one I did actually answer before, but to summarise:

She's cis and even with the whole "she looked like a boy" claims, I've never made her in SR1's character creator (I do love some of the in game outfits for her though), plus I pretty much hc her always having her SR3/4 voice, just a little higher/more timid in 1.

She never went to college (referencing voice lines) because she dropped out of HS, though she did do some online study when she had time.

At the time I also said I didn't fill out her sr1-3 life much, but I have started to do that bit by bit. One I didn't mention for some reason:

SR3/4 Boss seems kind of stupid at times. Casey's pretty sharp tbh. She spends years hating that people underestimate her intelligence, but eventually kind of comes to terms with the fact that she's smart and that makes her kind of downplay it instead.

Recently, there's been more I've wanted to downplay for example:

I don't really like that I wrote in the Cyrus Temple thing. I like to think that's way downplayed, if she did have surgery for that it was minor, although that remains the time she decoded to stop getting plastic surgery for every scar and injury.

While GOOH kind of had to happen for a lot of my hc, I don't think it was quite like that(I can tell you for a fact Dex was not there for a start!). OK that's moving more from Casey to general universe but still 😅

I feel like there's more for both answers, but I guess I can always reblog with them later 😊

[joziokowalski]

tw again i suppose. spilling some brain vomit just because i feel like talking through some stuff but don't really feel like talking to anyone directly

now when it comes to self harm. i tend to have a no-big-deal kind of approach to it & i hate it when others get all freaked out about it bc honestly. it's not too different from tons of other unhealthy things people turn to when they're in distress imo, it's just that cutting yourself is seen as an especially ✨mentally ill✨ thing for some reason. + at the time when i injured myself habitually it was less helpful to resist the urges than to just let it happen and not be bothered by it, and i think being generally relaxed about it actually helped me taper it down, so this attitude has been beneficial to me in some respects. but now that i'm on a quest to detect all the ways i dismiss & avoid stuff, i guess there is an element of that here, especially in that i tend to downplay the reasons i do it in the first place. like the cutting itself may not be dangerous or particularly distressing, but reason tells me that one doesn't end up with a long-term habit of cutting themselves unless one is already in a shitload of pain. and you know what i am indeed quite frequently in a lot of pain, and the amount of pain i have been in since early adolescence is actually pretty crazy, however much i prefer to go "oh it's not that bad everyone around me has it soo much worse". but see when you put it like this and just sit there and stare at the fact that you've been carrying around a decade's load of barely bearable emotions that you aren't trying to ignore anymore it's like. what the fuck do i do with it now. how do i respond when someone notices my scars if i don't go "oh it's no big deal" anymore. how do i even relate to my history which is like. visible all over my body tbh. i've spent such a long time trying to appear Reasonable and Balanced and Composed or at least not appear hysterical and emotionally taxing to be around i've no idea how i'm supposed to deal with being a dramatic ass bitch without dying of embarrassment. like how are you a sensible legal adult having such overblown reactions to things everyone deals with and comes out fine. how will i ever be close to anyone when getting close to me means witnessing this absolute fucking mess

[taegularities]

Hello, lovely Rid 💕💕

I'm still not over everything that happened yesterday. I've been trying to study for yet another exam that I have tomorrow and all that my head is full of is mr. Jeon Jungkook. My thoughts just keep drifting away and I can't focus lmao.

Also I have the talent of always falling asleep right before you answer my asks, so don't think that I've been withholding information about my "crush" from you on purpose. I'm very hesitant to even call it a crush because I barely know him, but I guess we'll go with that. Here's the barely there gossip about that lmao.

So this guy is someone from my course who I noticed in the first week of classes, because he's like one of the prettiest men I've seen irl. He has long hair and he wears nice soft sweaters and rings and he's just very pretty. (kind of looks like Ethan from the band Maneskin but with softer features 👀👀👀)

And I got to talk to him for the first time when I spent those 8 hours waiting to take the exam because a mutual friend was there too. The three of us also went out to celebrate after too. He's pretty cool and he laughed at my jokes, so it was a fun time. But I don't even know if he's single or if he likes women and now I might have a crush on him 🙃. I haven't had a crush on anyone for years lmaooo.

Anywayyy, I saw that you're going to be doing a master's degree and that's so cool, Rid! I hope it all goes very smoothly and with the least amount of stress possible.

Love you always 💞💞💞

yeahhh, no, tbh i've been avoiding all those little clips from yday, bc my heart truly cannot take it anymore. like, why does one (1) man have the power to make me tear up just by being his sweet, humble, comforting self? SEE THIS IS WHY I PUT THIS DAMN WORD IN CMI ALL THE TIMEFJKSAFJKJHDKS

k, moving on.

ivi, oh my god, i know i tend to answer really late sometimes, so i will never think you're withholding information, it's okay !! 🥺 but that crush... oohhhh, girl, he laughed about your jokes, that's a vvv good sign for now 👀 i hope you find out more about him, though, he seems really nice, so fingers crossed for you. you deserve (even more) happiness 🤞 keep me updated if you want 👀

and thank youuu! i do hope it's as cool as it sounds, but first and foremost, i'm excited to meet new people! hoping for the absolute best. and alsoooo !! i hope you're taking breaks between studying.. glad c&f could help some (just read your review and wtf i adore you to bits 😭)

sending love your way, all the time 🤍

[yulechemist]

I just finished up act 1 of the fontaine archon quests and oh. oh my god. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!! PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT THIS POST IF YOU ARE AVOIDING SPOILERS THANK YOU!!! Also warning ramblings ahead, my thoughts are always completely out of order and also possibly incoherent at times.

Holy shit. Okay first of all I literally almost cried when Childe showed up. I have missed him SO MUCH oh my god. AND HE TRUSTS US WITH HIS VISION????? I'M LITERALLY GOING TO DIE. I'm sad he wasn't around for long but considering he needs to get his vision back at some point I know I'll get to see him again. I'm sorry him wanting an excuse to talk to us again I'm so emotional my HEART.

And LYNEY AND LYNETTE ARE FATUI????? WHAT. That trial was CRAZY but I feel so bad for Navia because I totally want to be partners with her and unfortunately it seems traveler does NOT want that but I'm invested in these disappearances. I get it though, traveler is probably sick of having to help everyone in existence all the time when the whole goal is trying to find their sibling. However. I personally want to help. LOL.

I can't figure out how I feel about Arlecchino knowing what I do now after Lyney told us about his backstory. I really don't trust her but on the other hand she doesn't sound like she's that bad? Maybe? Idk the very idea of trusting a harbinger makes me nervous of feeling BETRAYED because I remember back in Liyue when I realized Childe was actually against us and I felt SO UPSET. Even now like, I love him, but also I cannot for the life of me bring myself to trust him. Sidenote: he mentioned fishing with Teucer and that Teucer said something and I can't be the only one so curious about what it was bc Teucer is such a sweet kid. I can't wait to go to Snezhnaya bc SURELY we get to meet Childe's family. I didn't mean to start rambling about him but here we are. Whoops?

Anyways CHARACTER IMPRESSIONS! I think Furina is really fun and cute. I really like her flair for dramatics, even if it's always a bit much. And Neuvillette, omg? I really really like him too. I was sorta expecting him to be kinda cold, just based off his resting expression and his overall design I suppose, but he was actually really polite and I thought he seemed nice. I'm definitely excited to see more of him. As for Navia, honestly? She's so pretty. Like, wow, pretty. I love her style and her personality and she seems really overeager to work with us and it makes me feel bad because she was just so disappointed. Though with how this always goes I'm certain we'll end up working together anyways. Lyney and Lynette are sweet and I really enjoyed being with them, it's a shame traveler can't trust them after learning they're actually fatui, but frankly I don't blame traveler that much. I hope we'll get to be with them again soon though. I really want to pull for Lyney but one more Benny con and it's over for me, so alas, I must hold off as long as I can. Maybe eventually though, I think he's genuinely very kind and I like that a lot about him. I don't think I've seen much of anyone else, so I don't really have any further first impressions, but I'm very excited to see where this goes next. Now I have to sleep though, I spent way longer playing than I meant to. LOL

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #114

(taken february 16th; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Who was the last person you hugged? Girt.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Nah.

Where did your first kiss take place? His bed.

Do you prefer foxes or wolves? Ugh this is such a hard question, but I do tend to think foxes are cuter, and more majestic-looking. However, both animals are fucking amazing.

Do you prefer fruit or vegetables? Fruit, by a longshot.

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? Yes.

Are you a hypocrite? Literally every single human being you will ever meet has some hypocritical tendencies, but I definitely try to avoid hypocrisy as much as I can; I try to be mindful of whether or not I'm behaving according to my own values that I expect to see in others, too.

What are your favourite textures? Soft things as far as feel goes. In foods, I want to say I generally enjoy softer things too, especially when they have some sort of gentle give to them, like bread products.

Any beauty tips? ... Are you kidding me? *I* could use those.

What is more attractive: Nice hands or nice feet? Hands. I'm not attracted to feet, at all, ever.

What’s the youngest you would consider dating? Ehhhhh maybe like, 23-ish would be my ABSOLUTE minimum, but I'd still prefer older.

Are thongs sexy? They can look attractive on some people, but absolutely not me.

Did you grow up in a healthy environment? No. My dad was an alcoholic and my parents fought all the time. Our neighborhood was dangerous.

What did your last text read? Mom was reminding me of our zip code bc I needed to add it to the resume I'm making. Our city has multiple, and I can never remember it since moving here a few years ago.

What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? It was a... Seagram's, I think? It was some sort of daiquiri, I know.

Do you think suits are sexy? YESYES YESYSYEYSEYESYES YE S Y E S on literally any and every gender suits are hOT

What are your parents' views on your relationships? Hell if I know for Dad; we see each other so rarely that it's not like he's gotten to see how almost any s/o I've ever had treated me. I know he likes Girt from when my parents were still together, but that's the extent of it. My mom absolutely loves Girt, although I will say historically she tries to keep negative opinions of my partners kinda quiet; ex. she was never very vocal about Sara, even when she finally met her, but came out very openly that she couldn't stand her later on. She also didn't want Juan and I to date. I feel like even if she has negative thoughts, so long as they're not MAJOR issues, she respects my decisions.

Have you ever babysat before? Like, twice. And the second was against my will.

If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? My best friend is a man and I'd be VERY shocked because he is Extremely Straight like down to his core. I'd also be, you know, devastated because we're dating and intimate and I'm a woman so that'd become a problem, obviously.

Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? Yes.

Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? I did in the cases of Jason and Sara, granted they're the only ones I HAD pictures with, but those needed to be deleted for the sake of my own healing. It wasn't an "oh we broke up so I have to hide these" kind of thing; seeing them was genuinely damaging.

How many celebrity crushes have you had? Three really notable ones, maybe four. Other milder ones.

Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? He's the latter, really.

Ever made yourself throw up? I've tried to do so before but it surprisingly didn't work. Or, well... maybe not "surprisingly" with how iron-willed my body is AGAINST allowing myself to vomit.

When’s the last time you spent time with your cousins? It's been years upon years upon years upon years.

What’s your younger sibling’s name? Nicole.

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? Maybe like... three-ish weeks, perhaps a tiny bit less? That was the case with Jason. We clicked so fucking fast.

Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? Nah. Well, do you count dance as theatrical? I did that for years.

Do you have any plans for the weekend? Yeah, it's my niece's birthday party.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you? No, we're doing really really well lately. I mean, it's very seldom we're doing bad so this isn't new, but.

If you had twin girls, what would you name them? Most likely Alessandra and Anneliese.

Do you like to eat eggs? I only eat them scrambled or as an omelette, but in those cases, hell yes. Last week I was actually reminded JUST how incredibly better fresh chicken eggs are from store shit though, and I've been wanting more very badly, haha.

Do you know anyone who has a pet bunny? Possibly, idr.

What store or website would you most like a gift card for? Maybeeee... Rebel's Market, or Morph Market. Or the Rammstein store, haha.

Name your top three favorite musical instruments. Electric guitar, violin, piano.

What was the last book(s) you bought at a bookstore? It was some early Wings of Fire book. We changed pretty quickly to just ordering from Amazon.

Do you use Pinterest? I do, mostly just for Rammstein pictures these days tho lmfao

Are you wearing earrings? I have a stud in my right tragus and gauges in the first holes of my earlobes right now.

Do you know any sign language? I don't. I remember in elementary school, there was a song in a play that we learned that we both sang and did in sign language, but I remember absolutely none of it.

Do you have a favorite poem? Not really.

Do you like Indian food? Never tried any, that I know of.

Do you have a dog? She's technically my mom's, but yes. She's a chihuahua we basically rescued named Cookie. Neither of us ever wanted a chihuahua, but she just worked for us and honestly she's a perfect match for us.

Do you enjoy going out for breakfast? Yeah, I do.

Have you ever performed in front of more than 100 people? Yeah.

Do you like muffins? Dude I LOVE muffins.

You have one match. What would you like to burn? The first letter I wrote Jason. I pray the fuck to god he doesn't still have it (I can't imagine he would), but even it being in the trash isn't enough for me. I want it entirely erased from existence.

What underwater creature scares you the most? Giant squid.

Was there ever a bomb threat at the school you go/went to? Yep, more than one.

What do you feel is the ugliest part of the human body? Genitalia, and I mean any, seriously gross me out visually.

Insert a totally random phrase from another language here: Uhhhh instead of "happy birthday," in German the proper way to wish someone a good birthday is "Alles Gute zum Geburtstag," which literally translates to something like "all the best for your birthday."

Have you ever built a Lego masterpiece? No; I was way more of a Lincoln Logs kid.

Did you ever have to wear a retainer? Yes; I have one of the metal ones adhered to the back of my front bottom teeth, and I'm SUPPOSED to wear one of the plastic ones for my top jaw, but I stopped a very, very long time ago, and my teeth moved so much that I could NEVER wear it now and haven't been able to for many, many years.

Do you have any weird phobias? Whale sharks.

Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. The odds of them happening here are very, very low, and we've (to my knowledge) never had an even moderate one, just tiny ones. One did happen a long time ago where I live that residents felt, but I was hours away so felt nothing. It was incredible though, just how visually everyone at the zoo just fucking stopped en masse at like the same time to pick up their phones, I'm sure from families checking if they were okay and all.

What store in the mall would you never get caught in? Hollister is one, and Abercrombie & Fitch. They're owned by horrible people with absolutely terrible values and disgusting rules.

Are you independent or dependent? I am agonizingly dependent, and it's a problem I've been trying to fix for a long time, but it's extremely hard.

Have you had any candy this week? Too much honestly because of Valentine's Day.

Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? I am astronomically more afraid of tornadoes. I've grown up with hurricanes, so those I really just shrug at unless they're like, maybe category four.

Do you like mushrooms? As food, FUCK no. Visually as cool life forms, hell yes.

What was the last movie you cried at? I don't remember.

What did you do for your 17th birthday? I really don't remember. I'm sure I just spent it with the family and Jason, probably went to Olive Garden to eat dinner.

Was your favorite stuffed animal really a teddy bear growing up? No, it was first a baby bunny holding a polka-dotted blanket, then a moose.

What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? Dated me very seriously for over three and a half years and then broke up with me in a fucking Facebook message and did his damnedest to pretend I didn't exist afterward.

When was the last time you went fishing? The last time Sara was here and we went catfishing with my dad, so multiple years ago.

Is there something you’re not looking forward to? Yes, I have my first gynecologist appointment this upcoming week and I'm absofuckinglutely dreading it because I am fully aware I'm going to have a panic attack and cry and just be extremely difficult. It's not a "probably" sort of thing, it is GOING to happen.

How many shirts do you have of your favorite band? I have... two Ozzy ones maybe, and surprisingly no Rammstein ones even though I want some.

How many Williams do you know? One off the top of my head, maybe more. I also had a recurring art teacher named Mrs. Williams.

How do you want your wedding to be? Gothic-themed, hopefully with a black and gold color scheme, and take place in autumn. I refuse to have a pastor officiate my wedding, but some other official. I'd love for the venue to be some sort of building with heavy gothic architecture and decor, but I know that is incredibly unlikely.

What’s one word you hate to be called? Don't you fucking DARE call me weak. You will be entirely kicked out of my life so fucking fast, and aggressively, with ZERO fucking shame.

[milo-is-rambling]

Don't want to sleep bc when I woke up this morning it was too early so I went back to bed and spent like two hours falling in and out of sleep and in and out of a dream about my dad where he was alive again (weird as fuck to say that cause it still has not actually clicked in my brain that my dad is dead) and he kept trying to do things in the dream like go to sleep or go into a different room and I was like talking him out of it and I kept my eye on him constantly so he couldn't leave and it was like he got away from me and went to bed or something and the second he walked out of the room we were in I woke up and then I just kind of stared at my ceiling feeling bad for like an hour and it fucking sucked and my mom wasn't home when I got up again cause it was like noon and she had a work lunch today and left at 11 so I was home alone with my dog and I had that dream and then felt really truly alone and I realized that my dad dying fucked with my already bad abandonment issues and like I know that he didn't die and leave me on purpose obviously but like he's missing from my life now and he's not gonna be with me through all these future experiences I imagined having him there for like I'm not dating anyone and haven't dated anyone like long term serious recently so he's not gonna be able to ever meet the person I truly fall in love with or like be at my wedding and he's never gonna be able to have a Christmas together with me and my future family or even have grandkids and my dad loves kids and my neighbor (his best friend) has grandkids who knew my dad and like I played with them in the pool and we hung out a lot this last year and there's one kid who has the same name as my dad so they always said little bill and big bill for my dad and his friends grandkid and next time they come to visit we have to tell them something happened to big bill and he's not gonna be around anymore and it just fucking sucks. Death sucks Greif sucks I keep saying y'know "love doesn't go anywhere" "the pain of grief is just all the love you have to give still" "blah blah blah you're supposed to cry" but like I can say it as many times as I want I am still definitely not dealing with this at all. I barely legitimately cry about it like I'll drop like three tears when a specific song comes on Spotify shuffle but I haven't cried hard really and I avoid looking at pictures of him or anything or letting myself have any emotion about it and I think it's bc of this big huge shame monster I have in my chest that I call my heart but it truly does not let me experience emotions around other people like god damn I didn't realize how bad it was like I thought I had more control over it and I was just being edgy or whatever but I legitimately cannot handle crying in front of another person even my mom who I am the closest with out of anyone in my life like it's just me and my mom and millie and that's my whole fucking world and even with them I just can't let myself cry or feel actual emotion and the second I start crying I immediately lose all sadness I had cause my body just turns it off like someone fucking turned off a faucet like I cry a little bit completely alone when im driving and I can't really fully let it out cause I need to focus on driving that's the only way I can cry anymore cause even completely alone I am judging myself from my head and won't let myself cry and I keep trying and trying and I just do not know how to let myself cry and I feel like I have this giant inflatable swimming pool filling with so much water that it actually rips the plastic and explodes that's what I feel behind my eyes and nose at all times it's one big emotion blob right there and I can't fucking let it explode no matter how hard I try and I've been fucking trying. I rewatched all my crying shit and haven't been able to get an actual breakdown started at all it's pissing me off I want to just feel my feelings so I can work thru them but also every time I cry I feel so much shame like how do u fix that so I can cry really hard for like two months straight

[hummingbirdswords]

.

[evilkitten3]

multiple people have been complaining about my takes on luz's mom... like ok first of all i never disliked her, not once. believe me, when i don't like a character, i'll say so.

but to get to the point, camila's role in the story is complicated. and you aren't supposed to automatically know exactly what she's thinking. the show opens with the concept of "local middle school weird girl is being sent to bore-ification camp by her mom who wants her to be less weird". that's a scenario that a lot of neurodivergent people can relate to, yours truly included.

a lot of the time irl talks about autism focus on how difficult it can be for the parents, to the point where for a lot of us it's exhausting just to hear someone bring it up. bc we know it's tough on the parents, but it's tough on us too. but in camila's case, it's handled really well. whether luz is autistic or adhd or both or neither, we're not shown a mom who hates her daughter for being true to herself, we're shown one who's concerned about her child's future and just wants what's best for her. you never get the impression that there's anything but love between them. and this show doesn't exactly skimp on the mommy issues.

that said, the story follows luz. so when she's being sent off to camp, you see how upset she is by it, how she feels that who she is is being rejected. as an adult, it's easy for me to understand where camila is coming from. but when i was 14? no way in hell.

luz's mom is probably one of the best fictional moms i've seen in a long time, kids' show or otherwise. her relationship with luz is a lot like mine with my own mom (except unlike luz i do not speak spanish fluently, and my spanish is limited to what little bits my mom drops in here and there). my mom has also sent me off to places for my own good (not sure how many of y'all were here when i got shipped off to wilderness therapy, but... that was A Time), has also had difficulties with accepting me for who i am, and sometimes needs to take a step back and let me explain where i'm coming from.

camila is a flawed person and an imperfect mother. this is actually extremely normal. she has made mistakes and bad decisions. this is also normal. acknowledgement of this, be it in meta or jokes i make while watching the show, is not an attempt to demonize her, to give off the impression that i personally dislike her, or even to imply that she's a bad mom. i have, and this is true, been making jokes about all of the characters this entire time.

but all that aside, for the majority of s1 and a good chunk of s2, we don't see camila. she's spent most of her time as a character so far as more of an idea, as a goal for luz to reach - getting back home to her mom. to be clear, before she pops back up in s2e10, all we've seen from her is her sending her kid off to sad camp and her not realizing that there's a fake luz (which i'd say is justified bc like. why the fuck would she have any reason to think the girl who looked and sounded exactly like her daughter was anyone other than her daughter???). that isn't really a lot to go on.

tldr: i am watching this show for the first time after avoiding as many spoilers as i could. i do not have prior knowledge of these characters. let me consume the story at my own pace and stop expecting me to know things that haven't happened for me yet.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello, maybe you coukd give me some tips. I send you that ask already but it means ght be deleted by tumblr and it was all messy and ugly.

So I have one childhood friend, we used to do everything together till highschool. Often she was my only friend, like now. We slowly started to distance from each other sonce she has a boyfriend. For all those years I did my best to accept him and all, told myself that duh she is not obliged to spent time only with me even in situation when she spent less and less time with me. Sometime I had a bit trouble to fully accept bf because sometime when they argued she was venting to me and I felt like his is hurting her but she refused to break up with him. Boy eas very insecure, no friends and so on and one day around graduating junior hight school she wanted to break up with him but he said something like he is gonna hurt himself if she will, or just drop out the school. So she wanted to wait at least until he graduate, but she waited longer. Then just after we graduated hightschool she broke up with him like she had enought. It was prolly a mistake but after she vent I said one or two things about him concerning past events and I said 'wow finally'. After a while they made up and she said she just missend him. I promissed mtself I will never comment whatever she tell me about them, unless in a good way.

Well... the point is that I am probably jellous, that she doesnt want to spent time with me anymore. Alway if I ask her out I give her to eventually pick the date, if nit today then maybe tomorrow etc y know introvert way :D And im trying to save this friendship? She is not the person busy 24/7, unless maybe when she is in uni or we count playing games as being busy. I play games too sometime.

Sometime it seems like she tries to avoid me and dont want to tell me anything. One day I was talking to her in cafee and she was just fidgeting with her phone. She didnt even like heck the socialmedia, just switching between random (system?) folders on the phone. When I asked abt it why she doesnt listen, she said she wanted to do sth but forgot what. Another time I havent seen her for months and she alway soent holidays 1 month her bf comes to her (he lives abroad already I guess) and I dont want to disturb them of feel like third wheel and the other month she come to him. So like week before she pnanned to go I asked her to go out next day. She said she cant. So asked another day, she answered : but I go to my bf. So I surprised that its that soon and sad I missed the oportunity: oh really? When? She: on Friday me: but its Monday(?)(no answer) so...? She: ught I know ;;; but lately I dont really feel like going anywhere :(

Well... maybe I'm childish but I felt sad.

I'm also jellous that they even celebrate each others bdays altought she never do that bc of religious reasons and I've always respected that.

Once I asked her what is with us, we barely talk for last few years and I feel like she is avoiding me. She had no Idea what I was talking about, she felt like everything was the same.

I was told to not have much hope or expectations toward her bu maybe try to text her or maybe arrange a meeting once in a while and try not to become bitter.

The other one sait that that how adulthood looks like, we become busier with private issues and so on and I may act childish and selfish, but as far as I know except for time she go to uni or to her bf she is not that busy, definitely not that busy not to have time to meet with me more than once in a whole year (or none) when we live ~20min apart by foot. I dont want to be burden to anyone or feel like third wheel so I dunno what to do. I have problem with finding friends, she was my only one friend (?) for years. I dont trust ppl easly

I wanted to do more things together outside since we both used to or still do soent too much time on the computer but well... you know, together is easier.

Since I have to do it on my own maybe you have some ideas? Thats stupid wuestion I guess since you dont know my environment. Jogging and biking wont work I guess since I dont have proper bike. I wanted to plant some flowers but I was afraid I screw everything up since im kida kid who grow up in the bubble and Im not sure how to do basics and nobody wanted to help me and its too late already... Walk is fine but I prefer places far from road and since I'm not supposed to go to the forest that I love I dont have many spots to go.

I am sorry for long post. Any even tiny help would be appreaciated. I hope thats not much of the problem, have a nice day or night :)

-PineconeAnon

I do think that it's time for you to let go of the friendship. I know that's hard to do but people grow apart and that's okay. It's okay. You'll be able to make better relationships and move forward but you have to learn to let go and keep walking forward. It sounds like you're holding onto this friendship because you want to keep going on like it's the past but...

It doesn't work like that. Change happens. It hurts sometimes but it's not a bad thing. You can reflect on this with time and learn how to be able to accept it. You need someone that wants to hang out with you and relax with you. It's not childish to be upset but it's important to see when people just... don't have time for you anymore and feelings change.

It just seems like you both have a fundamental misunderstanding and if you can't talk that through, then it's not working. You can try to talk about it but it seems like it'd be better to just let go. She doesn't think there's something wrong but you do. If you feel stress around her instead of friendship, it's not great.

But, that's up to you, you know? You decide your relationships what you want them to be.

I don't really have great advice for making friends as an adult. I'm not exactly going out and interacting with people. I can suggest finding a new set of friends online by joining Discords and interacting with the fandoms you're in because that's how I've made friends. It's easier to do that if you're anxious about making friends outside.

Try new hobbies. Take a deep breath. If you want to garden, try it out. You're not going to be perfect the first time. It's a learning process at anything and you have to just try. You don't get to live it if you don't try. You have to consider your limits and reflect on what is going to be the easiest thing to try.

It's never too late.

Try to start small and work your way up.