#and a reminder to myself im much more disabled than i seem to be at first glance and acknowledging that is fine and probably good

[mywillbedone]

sometimes my dumb ass will be like. hm im not super physically disabled in a visible way i think. but then.

i cant even walk around my house more than to get up and go to the bathroom Once without a wrap on my right ankle.

every day the last week at least one of my knees if not both have nearly collapsed out from under me at least once (thursday was so fun bc both of them did it more than once :)).

i woke up today before my alarm bc every single joint in both legs was hurting so much and now im to the point it's going to be a struggle to go to the bathroom ten feet away evrn after taking pain meds. ive been slowly shuffling around moving like a badly made puppet bc i have to be at work.

i think maybe i need some help lol

[dungeonmeshi-confessions]

I wanna do more kabumisu positivity following that other anon. it really brightened my day so much.

bc really I dont want to bash other ships to lift mine up!!! and I actually also really love and respect labru, and know the majority of labru shippers arent Like That, just like most kabumisu shippers arent Like That. every group has some annoying, loud, opinionated people and they dont represent the average person who likes the ship, you know? I would love to see some labrus follow suit and send in some positivity as well!!! If the positivity keeps going I will come in here and post all my fave things about labru, labru art, and labru shippers as a kabumisu. lets ditch the bitching and hold hands instead!

anyway, some reasons I really love kabumisu

- as a neurodivergent disabled person dating another neurodivergent person, this is like. THE couple to me. and like its not just about mithrun being taken care of. taking care of mithrun actively helps kabru be more mindful of his own needs. In my life, I may struggle to feed myself, but I can make breakfast if my partner is hungry. other times she may do the same for me, it depends on who is doing worse.

-they both struggle with insomnia also

-from everything we've seen, pre-dungeon mithrun wasn't entirely dissimilar to kabru (high masking people pleaser) and thats Fascinating to me.

-kabru's job seems pretty stressful (no matter how much fulfillment it brings him, its a lot of responsibility for one person!) so I feel like coming home to that one guy he can take his mask off around and not even have to try and impress must be such a huge relief. also add mithrun with cooking experience to this, making kabru a nice meal after a long day of work.

-Mithrun is actually very perceptive and sees straight through kabru's bs multiple times and doesn't hesitate to call him out. Laios isnt the only character that forces kabru to be honest. ("unless theres someone else?" "theres someone you want to tell that story to.") mithrun is also the one who gives kabru the information he's been seeking this whole time.

-I am very interested in exploring mithruns whole desire situation. what desires does he gain? I think it is probably a lot of little ones that weave together. oh also I think sometimes things may seem more mithrun centric bc in any story where he is going to end up in a relationship he is going to have a much more dynamic arc than whoever he is paired with. literally dynamic as in like. he requires a lot more growth to achieve the outcome. and there are ways to skip it or gloss through it but. a lot of these stories require that in some way you show the progress has happened.

-to me, kabumisu is more often queeplatonic than romantic. but Im aroace so that could just be my aroace glasses. ALSO kabru is vaguely aro to me. you mean the guy thats super desirable that doesnt really seem interested in anyone particular outside of pursuing friendship? that guy? (also the way he did rin omfg)

-random but I dont think kabrus PTSD is talked about enough and also like the extent of his trauma. its not just utaya/monsters/his mom dying; its being raised by a single mother, its his blue eyes, its being adopted, its being raised by an elf, etc!!!! a lot of things he does bc of ptsd get attributed to autism (I also hc kabru as autistic, and some is symptom overlap. but it is secondary to the ptsd! he is traumatized first and foremost ty) I really love kabru so much. ty for the ptsd rep <3

-also out here to say I know an amount of kabumisu content is mithrun centric. I will tell you from my pov specifically though its bc I deeply relate to mithrun (as someone who once told a therapist many years ago I desired nothing and truly meant it. she said I was like a puppet without strings. of course I saw mithrun and was like. oh.) and Im in love with kabru. kabru reminds me of all the people who gave me a reason to pull through. people who saw good in me and treated me like a person when I didnt feel like one. I also really relate to kabru though as someone with complex trauma, even if my traumas are not the same. thats why I say I think not enough is attributed to his ptsd. anyway, once I just opened a notebook and wrote kabrus name over and over again with hearts. I have never done this to mithrun. so dont tell me kabumisus dont like kabru !!!

-kabru and mithrun are both so gender. Ive seen so many variants on their gender and gender expression in the ship. some people hate this and insist they must be one way or the other. I think theyre neat lots of different ways. I love when theyre both feminine men. I love when mithrun is super masc. I love when theyre butch4butch. I love when theyre both trans. and so much more. its all beautiful. a very good variety of food. the other day on my dash I had a tallman art of mithrun with the biggest tits imaginable and the very next post he was like a little porcelain doll. keep up the good work guys. I love you.

.

[peachiekeaneart]

(feat. my actual mobility aids and my actual medications)

ramblings under the cut:

been working on this one since July. I don’t often make art that is extremely personal or intimate bc I’m a clown. However this one is very important to me.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am (and kind of always have been?) disabled. I struggle with so much - jobs, learning, daily pain and fatigue, mental illness, emotional regulation, dysfunctional eating, trauma - and on top of it all, I struggle with imposter syndrome. Sure, I seem to struggle more than the average person, but what if im accidentally making it all up?

For about as long as I can remember, I have been told to suck it up or muscle through it or to tough it out. So I did. I tried this for a long ass time. frankly a looney tunes amount of time.

As it turns out, when your shit is chronic, there’s no such thing as breaking through to the other side. You can’t get over it like a cold. I’m not trudging through a temporary rough patch of mud towards a smooth, paved sidewalk that I can see just a few feet away. The idea of a Promised Land where my one and only brain and body on this god forsaken earth just ~functions normally~ is a damn lie, a mirage on the desert horizon. It’s a beautiful trick that’s used against me to make me push myself beyond my limits.

And like a good little fool, i fucking fell for it, over and over again, for a literal decade, without anything to show for my journey. Not only am I just as far away from this Promised Land as I ever was, but years of overextending and overworking myself has yielded nothing but more injuries, more stress, and more insecurities.

So I made this colorful little piece. It has 100 bespoke layers and took me a grand total of 30 hours to complete. My meds look like candy because I love taking them. I’m in my comfy clothes even though they don’t always reflect my gender accurately. I display my wrist brace and my cane without guilt. For this one, I actively disregarded Art Rules in favor of following whatever was pleasing to my eye.

This one is for me, exactly the way I am: I am a mess, I care too much, I have no chill, I’ve got big feelings, and I’m incapable of half-assing anything no matter how much I want to. This is my way of honoring everything I’ve muscled through, regardless of how privately or publicly I did so. It’s a reminder to myself.

Anyway. tl;dr this baby contains multitudes *slaps it like the hood of a car*

[neuroticboyfriend]

Hi, I hope you don't mind this ask, I just kind of- wanted a space to verbalize some of my thoughts on my complicated feelings about my own disability. And, idk, maybe this could resonate with some other people too.

Basically, I've sort of considered myself disabled for a little while, because, well. A disability is something that impacts your ability to function and carry out tasks and activities, and my abilities to do those things is certainly impacted. But I always felt guilty for thinking of myself like that, because most of my struggles felt like they only impacted the things I did for leisure, and it felt like I was being overdramatic. Even now, it still feels weird to call myself disabled, like I'm doing something wrong.

I say all of this because it's set-up to the fact that I recently realized that I have a lot less functioning than I thought I did. I am in school, and I have good grades, which is a large part of why I was dismissing everything. But I realized that I still only take four classes, and they're all decently easy work (as in, the intellectual work I have to put into them isn't particularly high), and yet I still rarely go to a full week of classes and can't do much outside of school once I get home from a school day. I do eat regularly, but that's mostly because I'm lucky enough to still live with my very nice father who's willing to cook for me, and when he's not around, I essentially don't eat food that takes any preparation beyond "open a container".

And. It was a very strange experience to come to this realization, and instead of being saddened by it, feeling happy and lifted up. Instead of being crushed by the weight of things I couldn't do, it felt refreshing to newly recognize how surprisingly short my limits are.

Now that I think on it, I believe I know why I felt that joy. On some level, I'd already known my limits, and loathed everything they kept me from doing, but I'd never really made the mental connection that those limits were due to my disability. In addition, it felt legitimizing to my struggles to realize that there was a deeper reason than I'd thought as to why I struggle despite having an easy life. (Of course, disability isn't the only legitimate reason why someone can struggle, but it's hard to apply things you logically know to your own emotions sometimes)

So. If anyone else is still reading this, I guess what I want to say is that it's okay to be glad that you're disabled, or for your first reaction to realizing that you're disabled/more severely disabled than you'd thought to be joy. It can bring you a sense of validation to finally feel like you have a reason for struggling with things most other people seem to find easy. It isn't selfish, and it isn't just "having an excuse to be lazy" or "invading the space of real disabled people".

thank you for sharing your experience; i relate to this, too. and this kinda reminds me of how i felt about being fat. for the longest time, i felt like i was too fat, and didnt deserve to take up so much space. it lead to me having a really distorted, hateful view of my body.

but once i encountered fat liberationists, many of whom were actually bigger than me, things changed. i saw them be happy and fight back. they taught me to stop blaming myself. the fategories allowed me to see myself in relation to other fat people, instead of skinny people through BMI.

im between small-mid fat, but BMI says im morbidly obese. for a while i thought i was just comforted by the idea that i wasnt as fat as I thought i was, but that felt fatphobic to me. until i realized, it was that i realized i wasn't too much, because none of us (fat people) are. all bodies are different, and that includes size, too.

the comfort ultimately came from finally being able to look at my body and see *me* - not the skinny person i was "supposed to be." i was humanized, as who i really am. in both cases - disability and fatness - its recognizing the reality of our existence that affirms us.

[joy-drops]

this mf long so don't tell me i didn't warn u

been in a rut for over a year

something something autistic burnout

idk the cause or the solution

just trying to survive each day as best i can

easier said than done when everything that brings me joy (ha) is behind a pay wall

that's capitalism baby~

found out fauna is going to the only anime convention i can attend on a reasonable budget.... but im already so broke....

I'd shell out the cash (debt) if it meant guaranteeing a spot at the meet and greet but they might not release info until too late when plane tickets are unaffordable ;_;

i wanna look forward to something because sustaining my sanity on retail therapy and getting high definitely is losing its effectiveness

brain always returns to the loneliness. i know its crippling but how much of my struggle is from that and how much is from my disability... they're both invisible which makes it hard to tell

would having a partner help that much? my gut tells me yes since ill have motivation to live if i have someone to share existence with but that feels like putting all my eggs in one basket and setting myself up for an unhealthy relationship

i like to think i won't fall down that path of toxic codependency like i have in the past tho im not crazy confident based on my track record

Which reminds me I've realized how appealing polyamory sounds to me but I'm terrible in groups I feel like I'd be overwhelmed with more than 3 (including myself) tho who knows what can happen

REGARDLESS i guess i gotta talk to people and make friends since i am incapable of socializing with the intention of dating (trust issues yippee)

i wish i had a crush at the very least. i bring this up often but i fucking miss the feeling of legitimate interest and attraction towards someone

How do I meet someone, become comfortable enough with them, and ultimately find a partnership that satisfies my insane desires???? maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse? Tackling too much at once? Something like that...

Imma be real the only reason I'm active on here is another mechanism to cope with this loneliness (akin to listening to asmr for instant happy brain juice + with the added benefit of "putting myself out there")

My strange fantasy that I'll meet people on here like I did years ago and magically hit it off

AAAAAAUGGHHHHH how did I do it back then it seemed so easy what happened to my social skills (trauma, probably)

How is it I work 2 days a week and am still drained constantly? when will I be free from sleepy bitch syndrome? it's like I've been running on fumes for the past year WHEN WILL I HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE AGAIN

i miss having someone to talk to frequently about everything

i have my besties but unfortunately knowing there's no sexual or romantic attraction there makes it hard for me to get past these barriers?? Is that weird? I wanna be able to be intimate with someone and close but for me that's intrinsically tied to sex and romance. I'm overflowing with platonic friendships to the point where I had to cut off a bunch and leave many people I care about hanging because I simply have no energy to exist anymore

I've been doing my best each day but it only gets harder

The only thing I have energy for is getting high and living inside the fantasies my brain can muster as a means to cope with how lonely I am

I dream of being hugged, of someone touching me, of being accepted for all my flaws and reassured that my existence isn't shameful. I live for the day these might become reality

Since as long far back as highschool I've yearned for intimacy

Physical intimacy specifically since the most I've done is hold hands and lil cute things like that I CRAVE SKINSHIP UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE

Anyway if anybody made it this far hi feel free to confess ur undying love 2 me

[crocodile-picture-day]

woah im making a post ooohhhhhh

I’ve seen (and reblogged) some similar posts to this one but I need to say it again bc the Thoughts keep coming.

It makes me so sad to see so many fics where Rise!Donnie has self-loathing thoughts because he is a softshell. 

Before I get into why, I want to remind everyone that Donnie is not literally physically disabled. He is a typical member of the spiny softshell species, mutation notwithstanding. In comparison to humans, he is at no physical disadvantage due to his soft shell. If anything, it’s probably still tougher than a normal human back-- it’s apparently like leather. Only in comparison to his brothers’ hard shells is he at a physical disadvantage.

Donnie’s soft shell is seen by many (including myself) as a metaphor for a physical disability, since it is a unique trait to the rest of the main characters. However, this doesn’t always have to be a source of anguish. Donnie in the show is confident, ambitious, and holy hell is he strong. Not once do we see his soft shell hold him back as a person, and while there are admittedly few times he is without his battle shell, he never seems particularly worried about it*. He even fought the Insane in the Mama Train fight with no extra protection!

Sometimes I’ll be reading fanfic and Donnie’s whole body is described as “weak” or “fragile” just because of his species. Dude is a ninja! He was created very carefully to be optimized for fighting! He wears a battle shell that I refuse to believe weighs less than 40 pounds most waking hours! Bo staffs are already pretty heavy but with his made out of titanium with god knows what machinery inside?? 

You could argue that he is still weaker than the rest of his super-strong-mutant-ninja-turtle brothers. To that I raise you: what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with being below this incredibly high standard of strength? Hell, what’s wrong with being below the typical human standard of strength?

I understand the thought process behind writing angst about Donnie’s species and the contextual disability it creates, and I’m not saying there should never be any angst about it. It can be really good to read. But it gets me down when I seem to find this version of him much more often than a version of him who is content with having a soft shell and all that comes with it. He deserves to feel self assured <3

On a more light-hearted note, I can totally see him making it seem to his brothers that his soft shell is actually an advantage. Can’t beat me at limbo? :( Can’t breathe underwater?? :((( Sucks to suck I guess ;)

*yes there are those two scenes in the movie where Mikey refers to Donnie’s soft shell as being “vulnerable” but I’m guessing that those lines were inspired by the fandom and/or a result of them fighting an unpredictable battle against genocidal aliens so he’s not taking any chances

[twinstarlovers]

You know I wonder if I’m neurodivergent tbh. I had thoughts about it before but I think I’ve been seeing more info about it & I can’t help but feel different from the average person. But then I be thinking I’m just really in touch w myself & it doesn’t mean I’m neurodivergent but idk there’s other things that make me think it could be both like me having a learning disability, me not being able to do as many things as an average person without getting super drained, etc. then my ocd & all that. Having trouble with eye contact or having too much eye contact, idk I’ve been told about that before. Idk a bunch of other things too. I think the way I talk to reminds me of someone who has adhd lol & I absolutely hate it but my mind runs sooo fast that I be tryna catch up & idk it could also be cus I’m air sign or maybe it’s all together & it’s a bad mix lol. Also I heard having to shower from coming outside cus you feel dirty from outside is another thing & I thought it was me just sensitive about energy cus I do believe energy sticks to you when you go outside so I have to cleanse off by showering so idkkk. I’m just super sensitive about myself & my energy, it could all be in my head because it doesn’t seem right that I feel ‘dirty’ for being outside because we are literally meant to be outside & shit so idkkk, it’s concerning I care so much about every little thing, super super exhausting. But Maybe next time I go to the doctor I’ll ask because I just want an answer. Ik I’m different spiritually but I guess I want more of a psychological/scientific answer because you can be spiritual & do more than I’m able to yk so idk. We’ll see. Ima be a little sad if that’s the case tho. I don’t wanna feel more weird about myself lol. There’s nothing wrong being different at allll but being too different because of my brain… mmm that’s gonna be a little hard to accept & I’m just gonna feel bad for myself lol but hey whatever I’m still pretty & im everything sooooo. I’m jk. Hope you are doing well. I just needed to get this off my mind lol

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 12/7/21

tuesday again no problem will be taking next week off. also a reminder that if information is in a trailer or back-of-book blurb i do not consider it a spoiler.

also also i am a smidge superstitious about posting these on a day that is not actually tuesday but i’m going to be extremely fucking busy tomorrow and i want to go to bed now and i do not trust the post scheduler

listening dirty little animals by bones uk from n/etflix’s ar/cane

this is one of my favorite bands and i’m so glad they’re getting some of that sweet sweet n/etflix/riot money. however, this feels more “produced” or like, tumble-ground smooth? and clubby than the rest of their stuff and i’m not sure if i love it. there’s some sort of digital fuzz happening instead of their natural pack-a-day voices. while i like the drop into the third repetition of the chorus (lyrics below, around 2:35) very much, that kind of strobing blippy electronica is not present of much of their other work. it’s a good song! it’s fun to listen to! im being a bitchy old lady about it!

Slide, shake your bones out if you wanna ride Throw your head back, make you feel alive The kind of bad that make you feel good, good God, the kinda wrong that make you feel right The little death that make you feel alive The kinda shouldn't that mean that you should, should, should

reading sometimes you only roll around to a book your friend recommended in fuckin mid-2017 or some shit through sheer chance bc the library happened to have it available. anyway i’m reading a book that seems tailor made for me, Wool by Howard Howey. ebooks aren’t photogenic here’s a pretty cover fuck this is gonna be huge

almost did not continue with this book! starts out with a Dead Wife Guy! but i sat there and thought “my dear friend @morrak would never rec me some shit like this” and forged onward. anyway it faked me out with the Dead Wife Guy and we’re following just the crankiest lady mechanic with a misplaced sense of duty instead. i am a smidge under a third of the way through and kind of rationing it out for myself

this is a weird tangent but i have at times been accused of being mysterious/inscrutable/Hard To Get To Know. this does baffle me while also making me feel a little bit like a secret agent, bc while that is true for stuff about my personal life and/or my tragic backstory, my likes and dislikes are quite clear (i think). i am a weak and simple woman, and i am not immune to a butch mechanic lady.

like yes, it did take me four years to pick this book up but morrak absolutely figured me out inside of like. two months

watching good evening. riot games would like you to forget that they have numerous ongoing lawsuits, and are one of the worst places to work period, anywhere, let alone the extremely toxic workplace culture of bideo james. now let’s talk about their show on n/etflix, a/rcane, which unfortunately i liked the visuals of a great deal.

i have never played this game and i never will bc i respect myself too much to get into esports so i went into this totally blind.

anyway The Series gave me a satisfying amount of worldbuilding. i was very willing to suspend my disbelief within the framework they gave me. always a slut for an airship. love an undercity, love urban magic, love steampunk art noveau. there’s a certain quality to the design here, and something about the brushstrokes, that is very Ah! Video Games! and translates well to full-budget animation without looking like cutscenes. you’ll know what i mean when you see it. i think it will be very hard to properly review this show without comparisons to d/ishonored and b/ioshock (particularly infinite).

i have some thoughts about chronic pain, addiction, deformity as morality, disability, prosthetics, and quality of life as depicted in this cartoon. i feel i am being perhaps too measured when i say “well real life societies fucking suck at this too.” i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this aspect of the show, but because several of them hit very close to home, i am going to end this section on: viktor did nothing wrong and i would have done the same things in his position.

when i write these up, i don’t like falling into the (very easy) trap of just listing “representation FAIL” type shit. however! i do not love how the criminal underworld is nearly all non-human or non-white. i especially do not love that the one powerful black nation we see are warmongerers intent on securing new weapons tech. i think possibly the league lore is just Like That bc, again, video games are bad. i also do not think this is a good excuse. r/iot has done essentially nothing to curb the worst parts of their fanbase, but at some point they will need to improve or die as a company and a franchise.

this show almost gets to the frantic teetering careening edge of “you’ve finally got what you wanted and have been working for all along, are you willing to do more to keep it? you’ve got the thing you wanted, but it doesn’t actually matter any more bc the world has kept turning while you were so focused on getting the thing you want. also, you can get everything you want, are you willing to pay the price?” i know and understand this is a silly little video game cartoon adaptation. i want more victories to be hollow and feel like ash in my mouth. i did not expect ANY victories to feel like ash in my mouth so honestly this show is doing leaps and bounds better than i expected re: basic political structure. 

anyway if you’re willing to sit though a bunch of cops, just a lot of Stuff regarding race and gender dynamics i’m not qualified to talk about, a well-meaning (?) but heavy-handed portrayal of ptsd and schizophrenia (possibly? jinx has whatever mental illness will give her the most fun to animate flashbacks), in order to watch some very pretty animation in a cool city and get queerbaited while being stabbed in the heart with nesting father/daughter stories, this show is what it is. maybe it’s not for you. personally i’m fine with watching through it once, i don’t necessarily regret watching it but the disability stuff alone soured me quite a bit.

can people who’ve already watched this shout to me about silco bc i have Thoughts and Feelings

playing portal to empire https://aidanquinlan.net/empire/index.html this is neither a visual novel nor a walking sim. it’s sort of a meander through the back halls of capitalism. i got used to the ticker tape text display pretty quickly so if it’s really bugging you stick it out a bit? for me? you can pause it by hovering your mouse over the text

making too fucking busy this fall/cash is a smidge tight/didn’t want to trust things to the inconsistent mercies of the postal service and not have them get there in time, so this is the first december in a long long while where i’m not scrambling to get gifts done. feels weird. don’t like it.

[professional-benaddict]

if youd like a prompt, my love, i know in lp you did prosthetics but little peter having to adjust to them just 🥺🥺🥺 or him begging his daddies to let him play but he doesnt know how to use it properly so he cant go 🥺🥺 break my heart rafni -sydney

you asked me to break your heart so !!! im not to blame for this!!🥺🥺

Daddies Stephen and Tony, +18 Little Peter, Littles are Known, accidents, amputation, disability, depression, anxiety, angst, a bit of fluff but mostly angst

It had been a terrible, terrible accident. But, the Daddies had been foolish in thinking the immediate aftermath of the accident and Peter losing his left leg just below the knee was the worst of it. The boy had been through hell already during the amputation recovery, but he can’t seem to catch a break. As soon as his stump had healed enough, the doctors wanted him up on his one foot to prepare for the second and artificial one. Peter’s prosthetic leg.

They have been to numerous fittings during the last few months, and some have been more successful than others. While Peter’s prosthetic is finalised, the boy has to use crutches and exercise daily to maintain his muscle mass. While being bed bound, Peter lost so much muscle already, so they cannot afford to procastinate any longer.

But, as much as the Daddies have tried to decorate Peter’s crutches with stickers and paint, the crutches are hardly attractive to Peter. He couldn’t care less, and all he wants to do is lay in bed and watch his shows. The Daddies have a theory that laying under the covers keeps Peter’s stump out of sight, and thus out of his mind as well. But, they cannot afford to procastinate this any further. Peter has to get up and start using his leg muscles so that they don’t shrink away more than they have already. Otherwise, the prosthetic won’t fit and Peter won’t have the strength to walk at all. The longer they wait, the worse it will be.

“Peter, baby?” Tony asks, knocking lightly on Peter’s bedroom door before entering. “Hey, sweetheart.”

As usual, Peter is laying in his bed. He’s still in his pyjamas, even though it is past midday. He likes his pyjamas quite a lot, since they include a soft t-shirt and shorts. The shorts were one of the few items the Daddies didn’t have to cut and tailor to fit Peter’s stump. That is why he likes the shorts so much, because they are one of the few pants he has that haven’t been altered.

When Tony enters, Peter peeks up at him briefly, but quickly averts his gaze back to the episode of Gumball that he is watching. The air in the room is a bit thick and warm, so Tony goes to open the window to let in some fresh autumn air before sitting by Peter’s bedside. He makes sure not to touch the stump, just the boy’s upper arm.

“What are you watching?” Peter points to the screen without saying a word. “Oh, Gumball, right? I know you like that one. What are they up to?” Once again, no reply, not really. “Listen, baby... It’s a lovely day out, so how about you come with me and Daddy to pick up some hot chocolate from the café?”

At the mention of the hot chocolate, Peter looks at Tony again from the corner of his eye.

“Hot chocolate?”

“A big cup too, if you’d like.”

“But...” Peter trails of with a deep huff, already knowing what is coming next.

“Yes, you’ll have to wear your prosthetic. Just a lap around the house, bud, and then we can go out and you can sit in the car or come with us.”

Peter turns back to his show, clearly offended by the deal offered to him. Tony tries to keep his sigh inaudiable to Peter. He cannot lash out at the boy, no matter how frustrated he gets. This is all about Peter, not him. And so, Tony reminds himself of the role he has to play, and that is Peter’s biggest cheerleader and supporter.

“I know you can do it, bud. As hard as it is, I know you can do it. Daddy and I will be right there with you. Just a few steps, that is all I’m asking for.” Tony explains, keeping his tone uplifting.

“The’s no poin’.”

“What do you mean?”

“Cause... I’m never gonna walk. By myself.” Peter admits quietly.

“Oh, baby. It sounds like you’re afraid.”

“Am not... Just don’ wanna.”

“I know, I heard you, baby. This really does suck. But, this is the hard part that we and the doctors told you about. This is the real fight, the one where you get back up.”

“What if I don’t wanna? Huh? Just- just wanna be here.”

“Baby, if you lay here all day, the prosthetic won’t fit and-”

“Shud’ up!” Peter cries.

Tony closes his mouth promptly, and watches with sad eyes as Peter kicks his leg under the covers. The movement makes the iPad to tip over and the show pauses. In the sudden stillness of the room, Peter’s misery and pain swallows up the whole space. He starts off with a few whimpers, but they quickly turn into sobs. Moving the iPad aside, Tony goes to lay on the bed, spooning Peter from behind and holding him while he cries into his pillow. All Tony can do, is stroke Peter’s hair and whisper him small comforts, hoping they can at least take the edge of the mountain of pain that the boy is burdened with.

[xmemeanonx]

Tough love

The second part of my yandere Luther Hargreeves fic which was based from @yanderepeterparker s (❤️) headcanons for said character.

The story will be told from your POV and Luther's POV.

Tw. emotional abuse, kidnaping, past talk of physical abuse, disabilities, past noncon talk, Luther's basically no help

Darker than the last one DO NOT READ IF THE WARNINGS OFFEND YOU

Enjoy! :)

= = =

The squeaking of the wheelchair on the hardwood floor became a normal sound to the both of you. Though it made each of you feel very different emotions.

To him its a symbol of his love towards you, a mark of every generous thing he has done for you. The vague reminder of the noise puts a smile on his face.

To you, a constant reminder of the type of monster he truly is. He calls it love, you call it bullshit. This isn't love. Love is selfless and understanding, his love is selfish and one sided.

But he doesn't see it that way. Never did, never will. Stubborn bastard.

= = =

“What would you like for breakfast, dear?” He chirps. He’s facing the counter but you can tell he's smiling.

You cringe on the inside. “Can I make my own breakfast, Luther?” you say quietly, picking at wood on the table.

He turns to you silently, frowning. “It's not Luther, dear.”

He tries so hard to be a normal “couple.” From pet names to breakfast in bed, he tries everything that normal couples would do. But it all feels so empty, so forced. Even his love for you feels fake. Sometimes you wonder if he even truly loves you, or if it's just something to take his mind off of how much he hates himself. You want to confront him on it someday, but for now it's easier to just play along.

“(Y/N)? dear?” he says expectantly. You look up at him.

“Sorry. . . . . honey. I was just thinking”

His smiles, eyes softening. “Its okay, dear. What were you thinking of?” he says expectantly

Your stomach turns, “oh. . .” you gulp, look up at his smiling face, fake smile on yours. You sit up in your wheelchair.

“I-I was just thinking about how. . . . happy I am with you.” The words felt disgusting on your tongue. Heavy and tough to say.

“Oh, that's great dear.” He grabs your hand, holding it gently. “Im happy with you too.”

Its silent. You clear your throat, turning away. He takes the sign.

“So uh. . . breakfast?” he asks.

You nod.

“. . . . eggs?”

You nod again.

= = =

“Honey?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Can. . . . can I go outside? Please?”

He stops pushing you, next to a window. He looks out to the backyard. “Sure, we can go outside. It looks like a nice day out, kinda grey though.”

You sit up, turning to look at him. “No. . . Can I just go out by myself. . . . honey?”

Brows furrowed, he frowns, “no, dear.”

“Why not?!”

He scowls down at you. You forgot how quickly his moods changed, almost like he was waiting for you to “mess up.”

“Because I said so.” You almost scoff at this. Did he really think you actually cared about him, or hell, even his opinions? Fucking idiot.

You put your head down, sighing.

You felt your emotions build up, yet you swallowed them down. You know they will come out as bullets one day. Wanting to pierce his skin, directly into his heart. Hopefully killing him, lord knows he deserves it, especially after everything he did to you, but that’s just wishful thinking.

“(Y/N)” he growls, gripping your shoulder. “Talk to me.”

You shake your head.

He grips you harder, “(Y/N). . . . .”

You put your head down lower, tearing up. Picking at the skin around your nails, you get the same feeling you got when he crippled you. He’s going to do something bad to you very soon, you felt it, but really. . . . . what did you really have to lose?

Your life? His lost.

“(Y/N), say something!” You sob. That shuts him up. Good, he talks too much. Now it’s you turn to speak.

You turn, eyes leaking hot tears, smiling dryly at him. “Why?”

“Wha-“

“Why do you want me to talk, Luther?” It's becoming too much for you to handle

He squints, “(Y/N) I’m not playing your games.”

Way too much.

“Is it because you can’t handle the silence? Because you know that, then you’ll be alone with your thoughts? Maybe then you’d actually think about what your doing, instead of keeping, crippling, assaulting and abusing someone who barely even knows you.”

He punches the wall beside the both of you. You suck in a breath, looking between it and him. Ohhhhhh shit, you messed up.

This happens quite often actually, surprising or not. You mess up and he get pissed. He's going to get angry now and you're going to pay the price of his “mistakes.”

Mistakes. That's what he calls them. As if your legs were a mistake. He says they'll heal but you don't really care, he would just do it again if you tried to run. And you will try again.

But that's how it normally goes, you “misbehave,” he loses his shit, he takes it out on you, then cries and begs for forgiveness. You give him what he wants, fearing for your life, but recently you're getting really desperate.

“. . . . . I'm sorry. “ you say quietly. He can tell your lying.

“Were going to bed.”

You may have no respect for him but at least you`re not stupid.

“Okay, honey.”

= = =

After helping you get ready for bed, with surprisingly very few words exchanged, Luther's body ached for a shower. He felt tiredness like he never felt it before when he had to deal with your childness. If he told his younger self that this was what love was like, he would have never even bothered. But he's changed so much hasn't he?

He'd never enjoyed showers, even as a child to now, with his grotesque body. He remembers his mother telling him that they were good for him, especially after training. She said it was a great way to get clean and to calm down.

He still thinks about her now, Pogo too. But what had to be done to keep you safe was done. Every risk, chance, or possibility of you being taken away from him, he'd take care of. Even if it means removing his own family from the equation or taking away your dignity.

Yes, it hurts him to see you cry, but what are his other options? He's never been good with words.

= = =

Lying on his bed, waiting for him, had to be the longest 20 minutes of your life. Picking the skin around your nails, silently listening to the shower water falling on a human body would normally be a calming thing for you, but nothing about this is calming is it?

You knew what was going to happen but that didn't help the feeling of dread coursing through you.

You weren't a virgin when he first did those things to you, but it didn't make it any less painful. You pissed him off real bad, but you didn’t run or try to fight, you just yelled, you spoke out, and that was enough for him to force himself on you.

You remember lying there, wishing you were dead. You told him to stop, you told him no, screamed it even. But he didn’t care, in fact, he made it even more painful. All for his amusement, his pleasure.

It was when he just left after he finished, not caring for your comfort, you realised how much of a monster he truly was.

Now your scared he’s going to do it again.

= = =

“You do this to yourself, you know?”

“. . . . . “

“I’m only doing this because I love you.”

“. . . . . “

“I love you so much.”

“. . . . . “

“(Y/N)?”

“. . . . . “

“Please”

“. . . . . .”

“Please (Y/N), please just say it back.”

“. . . . . “

“I know you wouldn’t mean it bu-“

Oh, so he does know. Even with him spooning you now, he knows just how much you hate him. Honestly you’re surprised. Considering how much he plays into his little fake domestic life with you, he knows just how much you hate him. You can’t tell if you feel bad or if it makes you hate him even more. But for once, why not play a bit too?

“I love you too, honey.” You say, petting his hand in fake comfort. It’s hard to say, but in a way, you hope it would comfort the pitiful, love-hungry beast behind you.

“O-oh. . . That’s. . . . n-nice to hear.”

“I’m glad, honey.” You feel his tears on the back of your shirt, they make your shirt damp and uncomfortable.

It’s silent. A comfortable silence surprisingly. But then he asks you a question that surprises you. Something you’ve thought about for so long, yet sounds so awful coming from the person it’s directed at.

“(Y/N), do you hate me?”

Yes. oh my god, YES! Oh how much you wanted to tell him that! Yet, you chose not to, especially after what he did to you legs. Broken, yes. But they will heal. At least that’s what he says. But you don’t really trust him do you?

You wanted to tell him the truth, for your sake, not his, never his. Although you try and think of you options and their possible outcomes.

If you say no, you continue to lie. Possibly fueling the already smoldering fire inside of him, feeding his ego yet, at the same time, his insincerities.

Yes on the other hand could burn the whole forest down. It would either burn you or him to death. And honestly, at this point you can’t decide which is the better possibility. You, finally being brought the sweet relief of death, or him, being left to care for a person who he knows hates him while he constantly yearns for their, although fake, love. It almost seems like the better choice is the one where both of you get burnt.

You know which one is the better answer, you even say it what a smirk on your lips.

“Yes. Yes I do Luther.” Your words pierced him right into his heart.

Closing your eyes, listening to his soft sobs behind you, you felt something you haven’t felt in a long time. . . . .

Satisfied.

Because now, he knows the meaning of tough love.

= = =

Hoooooo! That got intense! I’m so sorry if this offended anyone, but I did put a warning at the top. Also Happy New Years, y’all! Hope y’all have a great 2020! Love you! I have a lot more ideas for Luther and the umbrella academy so I might write more. But please request more in general, requests are always open for the umbrella academy!

[peppersbian]

March 23 2021

I missed my daily thing on habitica for this so it like says I lost my streak which is bullshit and kinda annoys me but whatever. It's not technically all about points but it makes me feel better and I dislike that they did that to me. Scoff.

I had a pretty busy day today. I feel really good about myself.

I got through my English class and did the work I was assigned for the asynchronous time done during that time. I feel really good about that because I usually swerve and mess it up.

I made myself eggs and sausage for breakfast just before needing to sit down for math.

I was kinda unfocused during math, because I was working on the Open house presentation. So at least it wasn't time too badly wasted. I did my math homework due at 4 complete and on time! I feel so great about that. I feel good that I learned how to use the TI84, but also kinda embarrassed that it took me this long to sit down and fucking do that. But whatever.

Mom brought a pizza for late lunch/early dinner.

I went w mom to pick up some of the buy nothing stuff she got. I got some styrofoam balls which I will be sure to have fun with.

I got the PowerPoint done just in time for them meeting. I was a few minutes late for it but they hadn't really started anywys like they usually do. It went really well, I need to do some last polishes and I'll be great to go for the open house.

I don't think I'm going to go to the open house. It's sounds boring and I'm tired and also need to cram my English thing tomorrow. I feel bad though because I feel like I'm neglecting all my other classes by honing on one. I get too tired to do more than one thing a day.

Honestly all I could think about at the meeting was how I feel like I've never had any real connection or friendship with literally anyone in the troop. That I'm just a tack on to everything else. I thought about Nicole and the summer trip and how she made it so tiring and impossible to get around and be with other people and even making us late because she wanted to go to every fucking phone case stand. I feel bad for feeling that way because she's disabled or whatever but I can't help but feel like I got out with her because no one else wanted me and certainly no one else tolerates her. I though about catalina and how when I asked her at boating if she wanted to be partners, said "potentially", walked alway from em and talked to like three other people. One group was a group of three and I was all alone. It was humiliating. The lifeguard pittied me. I hate that. I love legend but it so tiring. It's just like a reminder I'm never wanted, cared about, or fit in. As much as the idea of sisterhood and community is preached it's never truly practiced. I wish it was though,

Gibson is so sweet. She seems so passionate and excited. I hope she gets the best from us. I feel bad that her freshmen year is being spent like this. She said she felt bad for me but honestly my times already been wasted so there's no real use in feeling bad about whats actively being taken. Loss is loss. I hope she never has to feel like me.

I'm tearing up again. These journals are hard. Today was a good day and I feel kinda silly for hanging up on these one or two bad things but that also stupid, it's good to feel. Human range of emotion and experiences or whatever. Sigh. Wish it was more convient.

I like Bojack horseman video essays. I can watch that shit forever. I watched a good one bout mr peanut butter and his defining trait being addicted to unconditional unwavering affection. I don't think I'm like that to the degree he is. I have at least some concept of boundaries and that people find joy and intert from different things. But I kinda felt that. Need to be needed. Except not really because that's not the same thing. Need to be swaddled and hugged and attended to, emotionally.

I had a vision of my future. Always being in a relationship even if it's not super great just because I want someone to love me or at least claim too in some capacity.

I know my friends love me and I them, But that's not the way that I mean or want. Sigh. I do love them though.

I ate the leftover from pizza lunch for dinner. Cold pizza rocks.

Today was a good day. I really need to make more art and work on studio. Im anxious about grades and shit it's really a bad underlying stress I can't get over. I haven't checked my grades at all and it feels a little suffocating lol. It is what it is though. After this weeek it's spring break which I desperately need.

I hope to work on miku, I'm gonna place my jo Ann's order so hopefully I can get my lace and my leather paint. Super excited. I keep bouncing around from projects, I have a lot of motivation but no time. It's frustrating. Just a Girlboss living in a Gatekeep world I guess.

I've been feeling kind a guilt about Mel. I haven't checked my message requests in so long. It's kinda og just become a part of the system, and since it's not a notification to be cleared it's been easy to not make it bug me. She's 23. I knew that but it only really kinda occurred to me. That's like 6 years. I wish she knew some fucking boundaries. Maybe if someone removed you as a follower twice, blocks you, and doesn't respond to your messages you should let it be. I feel bad for doing this and not just saying it outright but I'm scared of hurting her feelings with words. Like actions are much better. But I hate interacting with her. She has done nothing wrong or innapropriate I'm just annoyed by her. She's annoying. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like engaging with her. It feels good to say that straight and honestly and not w a fucking feeling cushion or smthn. I keep dancing around my words like this isn't my private journal jfc. Anywyss I wish she'd go away. I feel bad about having to like take action to block her or whatever. I'm not gonna tonight. But I should. Guilty consciousness though won't go. I know I should vocalize smth but I just really don't want to. And I think I'm allowed to do that.

I feel bad for saying she's annoying and I hate interacting w her Anf her incomprehensible speech because she's disabled. Why do so many disabled people try and be my friend? It's nothing against them. It's just a trend I've noticed where I'm sweet and then can't set boundaries because I feel guilty about not letting them do what the want. Sigh. I don't think there's really a way to win at that. I don't think it's ableist to say that some neurodivergent behaviors are annoying and boundary breaking and I don't want to engage w that specifc behavior. I don't.

I wonder how many words this was.

[datleggy]

I’m autistic and one of the things I have trouble with is change. I’ve watched 911 since the third episode and now they have a second one? Idk. I’ve been seeing a lot of good things about it but I’m not sure if I want to watch it. Basically what I want to know is if it’s worth watching. Is it good? Are there any parallels between the new one and the Buck one? Who are the characters and what are they like? Will you start writing for this series instead of the other one? %

so, this got WAY longer than i thought it would, sorry!!! TL;DR is at the very very end!

tbh i didn’t wanna really give 911 lonestar a chance originally, i was lowkey annoyed bc it felt like they were like “oh u guys want buck and eddie, who are CLEARLY meant to be and have all this canon chemistry and relationship development to eventually get together??? lol NOPE but here’s a spinoff where u get ur white/latino gay ship :D”

which i do genuinely hope to god isn’t the case, like, i really need OG 911 to be like PSYCH here u go, some DIAZ-BUCKLEY fam. as a treat.

i did end up watching it bc curiosity and too many awesome gifsets finally got to me lol

and im only a couple of episodes in (haven’t had a chance to watch the 3rd ep bc of work and other things D: ) and so far i gotta say, i like the OG 911 calls that they get sent to more than 911 lonestars calls but again, im only 2 ep in, maybe they get more “woah thats crazy/hilarious/hearbreaking!” as the show goes on.

i honestly don’t see too many parallels between Buck and TK—the only thing i noticed where they’re pretty similar is how much they both enjoy easy physical contact. buck is very touchy feely and comfortable about showing affection/feelings and i feel like TK is the same regarding physical contact (with his dad at least)? but that’s about it.

for what it’s worth i do think the show is pretty entertaining and worth a watch!

my main reason for watching past the first episode is my enjoyment of the characters. i just think they’re all neat.

this is from a post i made when i first watched the show lol:

captain strand: good dad to all of his children

tk: hot gay messy boi

grace ryder: a fave, no nonsense beauty, judds better half

judd ryder: tragic big boi

captain blake: chaotic good w baby voice

marjan: wild feral messy gurl

mateo: if anybody’s mean to my SON im throwin hands bih

paul: again, if anybody’s mean to my SON im THROWIN hands

officer reyes: ready to dick tk down

here’s a more descriptive/longer summary of the characters if u wanna know more, if not skip down to the bolded sentence below lol:

owen strand is the captain (played by rob lowe) and to me he gives off chris traeger vibes (from parks and rec if u watched?) but with more depth. i like his character a lot, he’s a caring dad, seems like he knows what he’s doing, and like, c’mon, it’s rob lowe (i fell in love with him a million years ago when he played soda pop in the outsiders nipr;guebwuogrnofw)

tk is his son and a hot gay mess w some substance abuse issues (tho a lot has happened to him in only 2 ep i really don’t know how to feel about him entirely, bc besides stuff happening TO him, i don’t feel like he’s reacted in a way that shows much of his character?) idk maybe it’s just me. but he is a certified cutie so. lol

grace ryder, she’s smart (one of the only characters with more than ONE brain cell lmao) and gorgeous and an emergency 911 operator. she’s very supportive of her husband and what he’s going thru (which is A LOT), she herself has been thru a lot bc of the big incident at the beginning of the series and is still somehow held strong in spite of it all, she’s a personal fave of mine.

judd ryder is kind of a dick at first but i think its very understandable given the hell he’s been thru, im actually surprised at the amount that i like him. he’s very raw and vulnerable but has this “don’t worry im fine, back up” attitude that i loooove. 

captain blake is the captain for EMTs, she’s got this soft teeny baby voice that contradicts so hard with her give no fucks ima do what i need to to find my missing sister actions irwughqwgoriegjf i like. she’s caring and does goes out of  her way for the little guy.

marjan has ZERO chill but in a good way, i can already absolutely see her getting into trouble by doing some crazy impulsive thing on a call in order to rescue someone—-TBH she actually reminds me a lot of Buck from OG 911 in that way. like yea she’s reckless and impulsive but u can tell its bc she CARES and this firefighting thing is what she’s meant to do. i really like her.

mateo—-OH MAN. he’s 10000000% my favorite. it hurts me everytime he’s on screen, bc he’s such a sweet and HARD WORKING man and he deserves to be a firefighter and do what he wants/has been waiting for for so long, im so HAPPY captain strand gives him a chance. i think he might have some learning disability or maybe he grew up in a household where maybe his family was too busy or didn’t care to check up on how he was doing in school and they neglected to see how much he was struggling—this is all just pure speculation from the fact that on the show he tells captain strand during the interview that he’s always passed the physical exam to be a firefighter but keeps failing the written part :( i love my son.

paul is a trans firefighter who’s mainly known for his crazy good observational skills in the field—there’s an ep—ep 2?—that shows off his talent but like, i found it unintentional funny bc the way they did it was in a scene that honestly truly felt to me like a scene I MYSELF would write in a fanfiction if i wanted to show off a cool skill the character has but was also too lazy to make it look good???? lmaoooo im not trying to be mean but like, if u do watch it, its the 2nd ep i believe, the “office meeting” scene. other than that tho there’s only been a few scenes with paul in it (my personal fave being the skin care routine scene lol) but i look forward to more scenes of my son being a lil sherlock holmes :)

officer reyes is tk’s potential new mans. he seems like a good cop from what little ive seen of him doing police work. so, i saw a post someone made basically saying how ugly are the men in texas that officer reyes is out here thirsting over tk so HARD—and not to be rude, but he really is!!!! reyes is a goodlookin guy, so idk what’s up with that, maybe he likes messy bois? bc same.

p.s. im not sure how to feel about reyes and tk together yet bc it doesn’t really seem as if they have too much chemistry. hopefully that changes? i do kinda like that they haven’t started off their potential relationship on the best of foots, bc i love drama, an indisputable fact.

ONTO THE FINAL QUESTION!

OG 911 will always be my first love and i just don’t see this changing anytime soon. buddie will always be the #1 ship in my heart! and i have about a gazillion awesome prompts i need to work on so me switching over to 911 lonestar isn’t gonna happen. i love OG 911 way too much iuqhur4ogfoie3jwnwjinioj

tho i may occasionally—per the request of prompts i’ve gotten in the last week or so–take a couple of the characters from 911 lonestar and put them in a 911 fic as a crossover? we’ll see.

this ended up soooo long oruhibgruoeqwp i hope some of it helped tho?

tl;dt: 911 lonestar seems fun and the characters are interesting enough to keep me entertained so i say give it a chance  :)

[talesfromacrip]

a h hhhhh:

tired of writing .feel like no ones even bothered to read it. I’m not gonna try and explain again about what’s going on with me. It’s all there and if there’s something after, then maybe I’ll talk about it.

fucking tired of this shit..

dreams are still the same, some aren’t but the hell am I gonna do about that?,

nights are still long and lonely which isn’t fun. I sleep almost halfw of my day away and do fucking nothing much. even if I say I am, I’m disassociating at times. which is difficult to say bc instant mood killer imo.

parents keep setting me off like a firework at times.

stressed with this political climate bc of these idiots

other miscellaneous events I’m too tired to even write out..

like,,what the fuck else do I say?? that already hasn’t been said ?

-

ohhhh, that I’m feeling suicidal again? no urges at all to drink.. but to die??how? Idk, I’m not quite sure but the feeling to just, log off the server is there. to disappear. no pain. just, leave and not have people deal with my shit it seems

lovely thing for people to know, ya know. especially now :’))

-

that I’m gonna die a lonely fuck with nothing to offer besides, I don’t really know tbh.. art, talking?? what else even is there? my money I get? which is ‘soooo much’ my ass.. mm

people really think I’m just this, sexless being now I guess as well. especially with my sexuality and the way I act.. I’m not and it pisses me off.. maybe if y’all read my pieces, you’d know why I’m like this. ._. 

-

that idk if my parents will be here any longer and that I’ll end up all by my fucking self?? my dad keeps bringing up his medical issues and hearing his words, makes me terrified for the future .for myself and my mom..

I can feel it though and I hate this feeling.. I know it’s true though in some way.

I don’t want to be put with anyone in either of my parents families.. or a home.

I don’t want toxicity anymore in my life.. I don’t even know if anyone will even deal with me thiugh and take care bc I’m such a big ass burden

im so lost on this 

-

thay I’m tired of the fighting, yelling and all this abled shit??

-

that my baggy asss eyes are tired of seeing my body at times? I don’t want to look at myself anymore some days when I pass by the stupid mirror. when I try.. a wave overcomes me. I don’t cry. I just glare and judge intensely for a second and then go on. I think of others comments, the positive ones that is, to work on mental sticky notes. reminding me but sometimes they fall. I pick em up when I can

must I go on ???????

———

I hope that I don’t come across as rude when I tell people that it’s alright if they don’t help me.. I’m such a fucking burden at times and some have more, important matters to attend to.. why help me? ._.

like,, I know people want to help.. but how?? If you do,I know I’m gonna snap at you like with my parents at times. back out or just, not accept it..

it’s not bc of how it’s being done either  but how I just shouldn’t even be receiving it in the first place.

I love help.. don’t get me wrong but I’ve gotten so much. I feel any more and I’ll get yelled at. which, I don’t want. other need it more, the help. don’t want people wasting their energy on someone with barely any and has to fake it at times :’))

-

I can’t even hold a proper conversation it seems bc I’m so, boring.. especially with this fucking cursed ass pain I get occasionally. ruins my mood and makes me an even bigger ass..

I wish I could hold one and not be so nervous. some I can but it’s a facade at times. I know no one is really thinking that yet my brains blares it.

I’m,suffering. I hate using that word but I feel like that.

not gonna let others down bc of it. some slips through but ‘yikes, sis’ as the kids say.

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do. I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. like, much fucking better.. ._.

I hate how heavy my heart feels when I’m in this, mood. every day.

I feel so lost at times

-

wish I could tell them how I feel.

how everyday my heart aches almost every moment we converse.

the pain reminding me how real this feeling is and how much I don’t want it to go away..

if only I can be so brave as before and others who have spoken such words. instead I’ll just ruin things as always which I tend to do at times it seems ._.

-

of course the ables get their attention, affection and whatnot from them..

how I envy them so much. especially when your told it happens as well.. like, thanks a lot for telling me events I’ll never be able to experience

I’ll never be good enough for that and if I am.. doesn’t feel like it at times. no matter what ido. don’t blame them thiugh..

-

I hope that whenever I post something regarding my personal feelings and all.. that is, regarding who I love and whatnot; that no one associates them with ‘s’. ._. I don’t have to say their name either. real or not, disgusting as it is but hopefully you understand.

all the art and whatnot, ughhhhhh.. it’s not them.. it’s someone else entirely and I’m just a coward as always .watching from the sidelines as time eats my heart away

hopefully no one thinks that.. feel like some do. annoys the shit out of me. not gonna ask but I hope it stops when it can...

like I said, it’s about someone else entirely 

who is much nicer and just, way better than anyone.. even ‘them’ as I preached before but they weren’t. never was. that was a lie to hide what was going on. this time, its not

-

how I wish I could hold them in my arms.. to just burry my face in their chest and hear their warm heart beat confirming that they are real. here. on the same planet as me. same time, place..but I can’t

how I wish I could move my hands up to praise them and gently bestow a kiss upon their delicate cheeks, forehead.. body.. but I can’t

how I wish to hold their hands gently.. the same hands that have helped me in the most low of times. creative, strong. I can’t..

can’t do anything of the sort, only imagine which makes my heart ache even more.. do you know how hard it is to imagine yourself disabled doing activities? N O, you don’t. when I do,it makes me cry bc it’s abled still. something I thought I was gonna be again.. I fuckingf hate it

how petrified I am to even speak these thoughts out loud to you.. I could before but that was a, different time. how I miss it but don’t bc a part of that,wasn’t me.

bit difficult to explain

———

that’s literally all I have for now.. the rest is the same. minor changes here.. s u r e. working on it thiugh ,,best I can

[malafight]

hi im so sorry but i wanted to ask for help if u feel up to it. basically ive done next to no schoolwork (bare bare min) since we went on quarantine 4-5 weeks ago and i just missed two deadlines for big things and i still haven't done those assignments and i keep missing the online classes and i can't seem to make myself work and i feel terrified and awful and also like i have to hide it from my friends and therapist despite my anxiety and depression. what do i do? (again im so sorry. ty & ily)

hey, sorry it’s taken a bit to respond to this; i spent today recovering from a massive panic attack myself and probably wouldn’t have been able to provide good enough advice at the time. but i’m here now!

first of all, you’re not alone. you’re far from the only one terrified right now. and it’s okay to be terrified. you don’t have to apologize for your feelings or for asking for help -- i’m always willing to provide whatever advice i can, and hunt down things that might help when my experience hasn’t given me a good enough answer. we’re all doing our best out here right now, even if your brain is telling you you aren’t doing enough. you’re trying to survive, right now, and that is enough. it’s all most of us can do at this point. don’t let yourself feel bad for being afraid; we all are. don’t beat yourself up for not doing more, for yourself or for other people; you can’t pour from an empty cup. you don’t have to do anything but survive, right now. i give you permission to just focus on keeping yourself together as best you can, okay? it’s a tough time, but you’re not alone.

now for the actual school-related stuff. i know most people would tell you to be professional when communicating with professors, but now is not the time for your instructors to see you as an automaton. i’ve found that being genuine, honest, and polite helps humanize you to a professor who may only know you by your name in their system. i’ll preface this with the fact that it doesn’t always work, because sometimes teachers lack basic empathy, but it’s much easier on you, even, to be honest from the get-go.

now is not the time to put on a brave face. the world is hideously, pants-shittingly terrifying right now, and if people don’t know you need help, they can’t help you. some folks have the spoons or money to spare; folks like me have words and the Mom Friend Override. for some, being able to help others makes it easier for them to cope themselves. if you can’t bring yourself to reach out and look for support for yourself, remember that humans are a social species -- we need each other. so reach out and let your friends know that you’re scared. they’re scared, too. feeling afraid sucks, but feeling afraid and alone is even worse. you know the saying “misery loves company,” right? don’t look at it as a negative right now. think of it as instructions to seek out companionship and understanding in times of trouble. misery loves company. go find some company.

(also, tell your therapist -- what’s the use of having one if you don’t open up to them? you can’t treat an illness if your patient isn’t keeping you updated on the symptoms. if you had an injured leg, and suddenly it started inexplicably hurting even worse than before, you’d tell your doctor, right? same goes for mental health. please talk to your therapist. i’m not certified or even trained in this sort of thing, just someone who’s been fighting for decades with a brain that doesn’t work right in a world trying to kick my ass at every turn. there are things a therapist can help you with that i don’t have the resources for. use what you have at your fingertips! trust me, your therapist is hearing all about covid right now, and they won’t judge you for being scared.)

i also want to say that it takes a lot of courage to reach out for help like this, and i’m proud of you. i can tell that you’re doing your best. and i know how much it sucks to feel like your best isn’t enough. everything is awful and stressful, but we need to reach out to each other, if only to huddle under a blanket together to avoid the storm roaring outside.

i’ll provide here what i hope will be a useful template for asking your instructors for help with this situation. i know emailing them is even more terrifying, but you can’t get help from someone who doesn’t know you need it.

also, i suggest you edit the template a bit to fit your situation. in situations like these it is so, so important to humanize yourself to them.

(email template below)

[Instructor Name],

This is [name] from your [course] course. I know we haven’t been in contact much over the semester, but I need to ask for your help.

I’m sure by now you’ve noticed that my performance in class has started to slip, and I want to let you know that it is not because of your failure as an instructor, and it’s not meant in any disrespect. I’ve been enjoying your course so far, but with the current Coronavirus situation, it’s getting harder and harder for me to even function on a normal, human level. [provide some detail here about your mental state, ie: I’m freaking out, I’m stressed and terrified, and I feel like I’m falling apart, and that things are awful and hopeless. use your own words, preferably, but be honest.]

I hate bringing this sort of thing up, but [I’m mentally ill, I have depression and anxiety, I have a disability, basically explain your particular situation] and it’s making an already-terrifying worldwide disaster even harder to process and cope with. [give some example of how it’s harder for you to function -- your partner has to remind you to eat, it took a spatula to even get you out of bed, you keep losing track of the time to panic and find entire days gone with no memory of doing anything but freaking out, etc]

I promise I’m doing my best in your course, and I want to be able to complete it successfully, but I’m afraid I might fail under these present conditions. Is there any sort of help you can provide for me, like an extension on assignment due dates? I’m not trying to get out of doing my work, but under this much stress and fear, it’s getting harder and harder to focus on completing my assignments. Any sort of assistance you can provide would be helpful.

[you can also ask here if there are any resources the school can provide you in this situation. even if you look up resources on your own, your instructor may know about some things you haven’t found yet]

I know you’re probably scared, too, and I want to thank you for any help you’re able to give me.

Stay healthy,

[your name]

please keep holding on. we’re in for a long ride, and we can’t do it alone. humanity’s strength is its humanity. empathy, sympathy, compassion -- we need each other. don’t be afraid to reach out, because i guarantee you, there will be someone out there reaching right back to you

thank u for attending my anime power of friendship speech. please stay safe and healthy out there. we can get through this together.

[mistyeyedpea]

I've been feeling so stuck lately.

I ran a fever today, which honestly isn't unusual for me since I get low grade fevers from time to time. My body likes to freak out on me. Because I dont have a ln actual diagnosis for what I go through I feel like it drives me a bit nuts. I tell doctors what I can remember, but honestly I've lived.my whole life thinking most of the things I felt and experienced were normal and doctors are so uninterested, unmotivated and unwilling it makes the mundane task seem so painful. Its even more painful when you tell them for years you have these symptoms and they only write down what they think is necessary enough to explore. The rest is dismissed as being anxious, paranoid, dramatic... its ironic isn't it? How you go to get help and these very people continue to perpetuate the pain and suffering you go through. I wouldn't go down such spirals if I had answers.

The craziest part is when you have been doing research all your life, and having lived experience with chronic physical and mental conditions... but because I appear fine on the outside, to someone who doesn't know a this about me.... to deny me is absurd. I wouldn't designate a label that isn't meant for me, but this ableism in the medic field... it needs to stop. The stigmas need to stop. Doctors need to understand that its okay to not have all the answers. Whats not okay is harming them further by gaslighting, invalidating peoples lived experiences. Where is the compassion?

We as patients, as people, can be highly aware of our issues where as some arent. I happen to be someone who's highly self aware. I observe everything from sensations to what and how I feel... I monitor my own person. I once saw a post that said "having anxiety is being hyperspace of your own existence" and they really hit the nail on the head there. I feel my anxiety stems from be being highly sensitive to what I feel and my surroundings.. I feel anxiety is just a symptom of other conditions...

It drives me crazy that I am only realizing how many signs were missed. How did people not notice? I had to learn to adapt all my life on my own... immersed in it day by day I learned to survive. It hurts me almost everyday. Im learning to let go of this feeling. This feeling that I was a victim of the system that couldn't understand me, rejected me. It made it harder to understand myself throughout the years. But now I understand..

I know that as the years go by and im alive i learn more, and I know that doctors do too.

Despite all I have been through, and still continue to go though, I push through this painful existence hoping one day, ill actually be seen. And that ill be in the hands of a doctor who won't judge me when I tell them my concerns... cause I have many.

I literally stayed up all night the other night cause I couldn't sleep.. trying to remember to document articles of research I find trying to keep them saved on favorites. I often forget how to find the favorites page so I started a notes with the links.

I started doing this in the event a doctor tries to get smart with me... I truly don't have the patience or bandwidth for it anymore. They dont do it in a nice way. They do it in a condescending way. At least the people ive dealt with..

I am a person who was born female so naturally... this is fucking oppressive as is.

I tried talking to my mom about me being Autistic and having adhd, and how im finally accepting it because for years I had "episodes" which i now know, were fucking meltdowns.

I could go on about it, but I dont want to get off topic.

My mother asked me "wow so you finally got diagnosed?"

The last time I went to an Evaluation the man I met with was a total douche who told me I was a hypochondriac had conversion disorder and my anxiety was what was causing everything... He also went off my previous diagnosis and asked me very broad questions about their symptoms to which I replied yes or no... I met with this man for less than 20 minutes and he literally went off my old diagnosis.

He knew nothing about me other than what we talked about and my previous medical records. He made stigmatizing statements when I told him about my body pains and how its possible fibromyalgia, he said he doesnt diagnose women til their thirties.

When I mentioned that I suspect im autistic he basically laughed in my face and told me im not autistic and if I want to see "the autism room" so I can "see" what "autism looks like"

I didn't contact these people back for a long time after that because it took so long to process.... medical gaslighting is real. And gaslighting in itself is insidious as it makes our imposter syndrome so much worse. We question our own existence and realities which attributes to even more mental and physical anguish... psychologically so damaging and these people have no idea.

I think I may have a case with them.. but anyways...

I learned to live in this mind. In this body. In this life to the best of my knowledge and abilities. I have to remind myself its not my fault im chronically overwhelmed or feeling behind. Im coming to terms to the fact that I am disabled. I hate to limit myself, but I have to acknowledge this in order to accept myself and release the internalized abelism.

I have to accept that I never was and never will be like other people and that's okay.

I also need reminder that being diagnosed doesn't make you (autistic). Being (autistic) makes you (autistic).

I put autistic in parentheses because you can literally change it out and tweak it to fit almost any medical condition and it holds true.

Anyways im signing off. I think I've done enough ranting for the night.

Perhaps I'll rant again and plunge deeper. I try to not give to many details but as a neurodivergent person I can't help but go on tangents at times. I'll forget what I thought if I dont write them down, so letting my brain puke words is the best mental exercise I can give myself.

If I do end up seeing a therapist, it makes it alot easier to sort myself.

I have also been trying to orient my mind with art. I try to think of the art I can make .. but when the time comes, im blank. All these ideas for my mind to run into a wall...

Sometimes I wish I had a therapist as a friend.. or a psychiatrist.

It would be good to have someone invested in you the way a friend would ... signing off

[robloxfreeman]

I think ill do a follow up kinda to the whole dungeon dissapointment thing tho i'm probably just repeating myself here,

So it's such a shame that dungeons ended up being abandoned at this point and i don't really count more bosses and enemies being added well because im assuming they are a biproduct of the actual update and they only have to add them into dungeons, im not discrediting the work needed to add these enemies into dungeons but if i think adding an already existing feature into dungeons doesn't count as a dungeon update then ever since release dungeons had only ever gotten 1 actual update which whould be portals, anyway i think enemies and bosses aren't what dungeons need, they could've been but with how bosses are implemented they only hurt the dungeons? Why? First of all they really seem out of place, you're playing a stage that's supposed to be fast paced and beaten quickly which dungeons feel like that and you just come across a tanky guy who takes ages to kill, it ruins the pacing and that's what i dislike about them another is that they take a lot of stars, it limits what you could've added in the dungeons instead of a boss that ruins the pacing now also taking away the option of something else that could've been added instead, enemies on the other hand are sort of better but only at certain circumstances,they do take a bit less stars so that's a good thing, and if you have an enemy used as an obstacle in your way that's fine but if you have to go out of your way to find and kill an enemy that is not fine, it's annoying, and the lack of simple things that could be added to help with this is ridiculous, idk maybe add a mose where killing everything isn't a requirement that already makes a lot more options for people to work with, i had a big problem eith this before, i tried making a prison escape dungeon where you could just go the normal route where enemies in cells will try to kill you as well if you flicked all the levers but that already created a problem, if you don't kill those enemies then you can't win, so my supposedly punishment for flicking all the levers you see and freeing all the other prisoners to fight you already broke the dungeon, i also happened to add a shortcut where you could take a harder route but you get skip half the level but that also breaks the level too as you'd have to kill all the enemies to win, so basically i had to scrap all the enemies which made it boring until the shortcut which imo wasn't even supposed to be the highlight of the dungeon making what the dungeon could've been into a very boring level about slowly walking in tight places ocassionally have a guy throw rocks at you which you kill in like 3 seconds, you see what i mean? Not having to kill every enemy creates so many possibilities and seemingly such a simple option to add into dungeons, but it's not there and it will never be a thing ☹.

Disabling timer would be a less but also helpful feature, i think whoever ran the twitter account tho straight up denied how it would even be a good idea

While i can agree this wouldn't change much it could make a slightly better experience for both dungeon players and creators if it were set to be the default option and you can make the timer thing optional, how you might ask? As a dungeon creator i had to wait a few minutes just to make a reasonable timer for my dungeons however some people don't, and because of that here's why some players could get a better experience, for an example imagine you were playing a dark mode dungeon with 4 other people and you find a dungeon where you just have to kill ned betty and run to the exit door, this also is the problem with scaling now the guy beat it in 45 seconds which gives you and your teamates 1 and a half mins to beat up a ned betty that's probably 5 times stronger than what the creator fought and still have to run to the exit in time, let me remind you that 4 playes doesnt actually means 4 times damage output so this dungeon is impossible to beat in this situation you get what i mean? So yeah for now that's about all i wanna say about dungeons you could expect me doing more sometime in the future.