#and again it's not in a violent way he just is dealing with hatred toward his own reproduction system

[cosmicswritings]

so more reproductive but also body hate hcs for starscream. so he is a seeker, and seekers were created to be strong grade military bots, and when it comes to reproduction they were specifically created to sire. seekers themselves were not actually made to carry, they were seen as 'sires on demand' and it would be something that was expected of them because a sparkling sired by a seeker has extremely capable flight abilities and agility, but is also strong and sturdy.

starscream didn't like that, he didn't ever have the desire to be a sire or use his spike, but it was always something that was expected of him. so the whole thought that, due to his body type he had to be a certain way and it was expected of him, even by some romantic partners, made him really sick and it makes it difficult for him to get in romantic relationships or talk about starting a family. starscream only wants to exclusively carry but not a lot of people want that from him or expect that of him. he also had to go through procedures to get it done as well, to be able to carry and to completely remove siring capabilities/protocols from his system.

one of the many reasons he likes to change his body around so that he isn't associated with a seeker frame type when he gets into relationships.

[nincompoopydoo]

CAUGHT IN A CROSSFIRE

ALL THINGS MUST END — ; PART 10 / 10

PAIRING: Theseus Scamander x Female!Reader WORD COUNT: 4.7k SUMMARY: You and Theseus awaken in a place that feels all too familiar, uncovering that the truth behind Miriam’s intentions lies within the act of revenge itself. This is a tale of betrayal, love, and hatred, but it's also the story of how you learn to love again. A/N: This is it! I’m so so nervous for yall to read this, but I hope you like it!! I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has been here either from day one or at any time you found this series– thanks for sticking around. WARNINGS: Swearing. Angst. Injuries. Mentions of hurt. Mentions of being burnt (it’s not detailed), Mentions of death. Theseus being a simp (HAHA). No beta as always we die like men. MASTERLIST ; MASTERPOST

Augustus Warden was a tyrant, characterised by his uncaring, manipulative, and violent nature towards anyone who dared to oppose him. He held a firm belief in eradicating magic, viewing it as inherently evil, and saw himself as a saviour destined to rid the world of it. 

Augustus Warden was also Miriam’s father. 

Well, he could hardly call himself a father. He was never one to her. And was never a husband to her mother. 

Augustus became obsessed with the perception of a saviour complex. It drove Miriam’s mother away, leaving her to deal with her father’s aggression and temper. Yet, Augustus's influence within the scourers' community grew, and The Gardenia Society landed itself in the thick of the chaos.

Again. Being hunted.

When your brother began showing signs of magic, your mother feared for his life. She had known about a distant ancestor with magical abilities for quite some time, though she hadn’t expected it to resurface in her only son.

Your brother was born at the wrong place and at the wrong time.

Your mother sought the help of Miriam, her closest friend. Almost a sister to her. She trusted her with her life. Nobody knew about your brother’s abilities besides your family and Miriam. It was a well-kept secret for the society's and your family's safety.

So, when word got out about your brother, your mother knew who had leaked the secret. Or so she thought.

The inhumane arrest of a boy. To be burned at the stake. Those were the words of the people. Just like their ancestors did. Hence, your mother decided to retaliate that betrayal of trust with Miriam for turning against her and her family. Miriam was then accused of being a witch and is the sole reason behind everything that happened to your brother.

She knew her father was insane but never knew he would ever go this far.

Her father. He showed no mercy.

“You dirty witch.”

Those were the words of the people, it rang against her ears.

Miriam remembers the fear etched in her throat. How her heart was beating out of her chest as she screamed, pleading to Augustus that this was all on pretence.

Yet, it seems that Augustus had been searching for a way to get rid of Miriam and finally found the opportunity.

A ball of flame in the darkness lit on a matchstick.

Augustus Warden stands tall and looming as he creeps from the shadows. He holds the little match with a grim twist to the edge of his lips. No sign of remorse. No sign of guilt.

“You did this to him … So long, witch.”

He tosses the matchstick.

Flames engulf Miriam.

Your family fled from the village with the help of The Gardenia Society and several Aurors, landing yourselves in the heart of London where the Warden would never find your brother. Since then, you had your memories erased.

But nothing ever stays permanent. And nothing ever truly dies.

–

Darkness.

Theseus struggles to grasp reality, feeling his presence as the memories from moments ago flood in.

He remembers … you. On the ground. Bleeding.

Immediately, he’s wide awake.

His surroundings are a blur, in the process of recollecting his thoughts when all that fills his head is you. Theseus then realises he’s seated; it’s cold, solid against his back and causes his slumped figure to lay straight on its surface.

A pungent smell suddenly fills his senses. Gasoline. He smells gasoline.

Merlin’s beard—

As he regains his sight, he recognises the room he is in. It’s circular, lined with seats to portray an amphitheatre. It’s a courtroom, though its structure tells a different story. Frescos held by its walls were heavily worn with time, abandoned, and unseen. This may be a ministry courtroom, but no longer operational.

The courtroom is filled with members of The Restoration Movement, all eyes on him. Among them, Morrigan and Mulberry stand sentinel, their scrutiny unyielding.

This is also when Theseus realises he is missing his wand.

Why on earth would Miriam bring him back to the ministry?

Before he could even begin to question it, Theseus spots you lying unconscious on the floor before him, in a pool of liquid. You’re drenched in gasoline too, he’s sure of it. It sends a sudden surge of shock to his heart, and there’s an immediate sense of urgency in how he moves to you, yet he stays unmoving in his seat.

Theseus glances at his arms and notices they have been bound with chains attached to the seat’s armrest. Eyes now wide, they return to your unmoving figure on the ground and all he thinks is to pull and pull and pull. Still, he can only watch you from a distance.

“Look at you. Helpless. Desperate. Seems like she changed you for the worse, Theseus.”

Miriam appears before him, you lay at her feet, tone laced with sarcasm as it booms through the courtroom. Strong and relinquished. Her expression wild, flashing with anger, hurt, and betrayal—hardened without an ounce of fragility and mercy in sight.

“Why are you doing this?”

There’s a tone of desperation tinged in his voice and it shakes him to his core. Theseus has been afraid plenty of times—during his training, the war. He has seen unspeakable things, but never has he been in the position of seeing someone he cares so tortured and bruised.

It clicks in his head. The ministry is the last place anyone would find them. Miriam is no fool.

Theseus heaves a silent prayer, hoping that despite the impossibilities of the day's events, both of you would make it out alive.

His gaze returns to you, catching a glimmer in your eye. You’re awake. Barely, but you are.  Your body remains frozen, yet your eyes convey a silent assurance, hidden from Miriam's sharp scrutiny. It's a subtle promise that you'll endure. That you’ll be fine.

Miriam’s smile widens as her expression morphs into a cynical, surprised look, mocking his question.

“I laid out all the clues, and you still haven't figured it out? Perhaps you weren't as intelligent as I thought.”

Despite the gravity of the moment, Theseus restrains the impulse to roll his eyes. Of course, he quickly discerned the laid-out clues: the open door, the photograph, and the brooch. Yet, certain questions remain unanswered—how did his brother become privy to Miriam's existence, and how did he predict Theseus's unravelling of the hidden messages in the letters?

Perhaps, Miriam doesn’t know why either.

“All I want is to destroy her. The Gardenia Society. Everything her mother ever loved.”

Miriam speaks in a manner of delusional confidence. A false sense of belief that her actions are deemed righteous. That whatever she intends to do is all for justice.

And it all ties back to your mother and the Gardenia Society.

Theseus watches the way her eye twitches, a flicker of sheer annoyance.

Something feels wrong. Or missing?

“Yet, you, dear Theseus. You always had a habit of sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, and now I have no choice but to take you with her,” Miriam declares, her tone laced with frustration.

Theseus merely scoffs. It sends Miriam boiling.

"You’re a hypocrite, Miriam. You revelled in meddling in everyone's lives, in my family's lives. Tell me, Miriam, did you truly believe we wanted you around?"

“Shut up –”

“We only did because we felt bad for you. After your husband passed –”

“I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING PITY.”

Her voice tears through the room, booming against its very walls. Miriam's eyes blaze with fury as she strides toward Theseus, and in an instant, her hand connects with his cheek in a resounding slap that leaves it stinging.

Unbeknownst to anyone but Theseus, you are wide awake, silently observing his calculated provocations aimed at pushing Miriam to her limits. With each jab, you understand his strategy, sensing the gears turning in his mind as he buys time. Knowing Theseus, he probably had a plan in motion before he came for you.

Through her distractions, you take it as an opportunity to survey your surroundings,  noting the dilapidated state of the room. Amidst the debris, a broken piece of wood catches your eye—it looks like a post that came apart from a railing. Its edges are sharpened after being torn apart. Something you could weaponise if you needed to.

Immediately you exchange a fleeting glance with Theseus. He’s looking right at you, though almost unnoticeable. You aren’t sure how you could tell, but there’s a silent understanding that develops between the of you.

Something is about to happen.

Just then, a sudden thud echoes from beyond the courtroom. It comes from the room’s entrance.

Miriam's attention snaps toward the sound, prompting you to feign unconsciousness once more. As she directs one of the men to investigate, the pieces fall into place.

Theseus just hopes the plan is set in motion.

He takes a deep breath before fixing Miriam with a steely gaze “You know, Miriam. Something doesn’t quite add up.”

Miriam's jaw clenches in response. “And what is that?” she retorts, her tone edged with defiance.

“The fact that I’m the one who’s in this chair, instead of her … This isn’t just about revenge on her mother isn’t it?”

He sees it. Only a flicker. Her facade slips ever so slightly. 

“I’m not stupid, Miriam.”

A beat. The air thickens.

Theseus watches intently as she takes his words in. Then, she steps back, creating distance from him once more. As if she’s almost afraid he’ll be able to detect any sort of falter or weakness in her.

Her once furious eyes are now almost solemn.

“Oleander was … ambitious, hard-headed, and strong-willed man.” Miriam begins, her gaze distant. “Despite all his faults, I loved him. He promised me an escape from my father's tyranny, a chance for us to be together at last.”

Her eyes flicker towards you, still prone on the ground, and a tumult of emotions washes over her face—a mixture of anger and hurt.

“Then, her mother accused me of betraying the very secret that shielded her brother," Miriam continues, her voice tinged with bitterness. "I became a pawn in their game, a scapegoat to be sacrificed. Oleander vanished, leaving me to face the consequences alone.”

So, it’s all for love. Or more for the betrayal she felt. 

"I discovered years later that it was he who leaked the secret. Turns out he was an Auror, undercover. He seduced the daughter of a Scourer to infiltrate my wretched father's inner circle. When everything went awry, he led the operation to save the members of The Gardenia Society," Miriam pauses, regaining composure as she continues, "But not me."

Then, Miriam turns to him once more.

"You remind me of him, Theseus. A little too much. All you seek is justice, yet you have no qualms about destroying lives in your path. You deem some unworthy and strike them down, all in the name of righteousness. Just like him. I will not stand by and let history repeat itself."

Fishing something from the pocket of her coat, Theseus discerns its shape in the dim light—a matchbox.

But, Theseus isn’t afraid. Not anymore.

It instead conjures a smile from him—all in rebellious smite.

“You won’t kill me.”

His tone is mocking. It elicits a frown from Miriam.

“What makes you think I won’t end you like the rest? I’ve killed muggles. I've killed her entire family without hesitation. I’m not afraid.”

“But you won’t kill me. Well, you can’t kill me,” Theseus counters with confidence as he clocks movement in the background.

“What?”

“All things must end, Miriam.”

Just then, a sudden flash of blue streaks across the courtroom and hits Morrigan in the shoulder. She collapses at impact.

Immediately, chaos erupts in the courtroom. Aurors flood the room, emerging from every corner of the amphitheatre as the surprise attack begins. Flashes of blinding blue, green and red bolt across the expanse as the attack began.

Theseus sees Travers in the crossfire, Mulberry collapsed on the ground at his feet. His expression is solemn, it’s a reflection after knowing the truth, but also a silent recognition and gratitude to Theseus that if he did not make it in time, this whole place would be in flames.  It was risky if anything were to happen to him, but thankfully, his Patronus found Travers and knew of his current location. It was the right call.

Through the impossibilities of today, a miracle did happen.

Miriam’s face splits into pure horror and she loses her concentration amidst the onslaught. Before she can react, you spring into action, wielding the broken piece of wood you had your eye on with fierce determination. Instantly, you strike Miriam on the head with a forceful blow that immediately sends her to the ground, rendering her unconscious.

Miraculously, the binds that held him to the chair disappear, finally able to get to you.

Well, that certainly works.

Breathless and weary, you stand on the edge of exhaustion, your body protesting with every step as you find yourself teetering on the brink of collapse. Despite your efforts to remain upright, your knees finally give out, sending you to the ground. With palms outstretched, you strain against the weight of fatigue, muscling all your strength to keep yourself from falling.

You then feel him. His grip finds the curve of your shoulder and your arm, supporting the weight of your own. It's warm, gentle, desperate yet assuring.

Theseus stares down at you with panic in his eyes. 

“Are you alright?” 

The words hang in the air as you grapple with the question. 

Are you really alright?

“... She killed my family.” you choke out, your voice strained with grief as you struggle to contain a sob. Immediately his hand finds your cheek, fingers against cold skin. They are soft. Grounding.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs softly.

You feel the gentle drag of his thumb just below your eye. It’s only then your blurred vision from the welling of tears, cheeks stained with the desolation and hurt that begins to settle within you. It hits you, gradually, but the pain is turning unbearable. It’s the physical pain searing through your back and the emotional hurt from everything that’s happened.

All you wanted was for this to end.

And now, when it is, where does it leave you?

Theseus’ careful touch remains on your cheek, his other hand firm against your shoulder. He can see the way your mind begins to spiral. 

He says your name. You finally bring your eyes to meet his.

Furrowed brows, charming eyes, cheeks tinged with a little colour of red, vaguely tousled hair.

A small smile plays on his lips.

“We should get out of here, don’t you think?”

–

2 MONTHS LATER

My dearest,

I hope this letter finds you in consolation and comfort, though I must admit that my own heart is heavy with the weight of the news I bear of the fate of your brother.

Contrary to our belief, your brother did not meet his end on the battlefield, as we were led to believe. Instead, he orchestrated his demise when he sought information on your mother and The Gardenia Society. Through our research and Miriam’s testimony, we gathered that your brother was intentionally recruited into the Restoration Movement and allied with Morrigan. He had every intention to seek Miriam and avenge your mother’s death. He was part of the operation until Miriam sensed his true plan and decided to eliminate him. No matter the situation, Miriam would’ve killed him in the end, but she intended to use him to get to you first. This was when her plan started to fall apart.

This is all we know thus far. I shall keep looking for more. Your brother was a brave soul. He saved your life.

With that said, I hope this brings you some peace. 

You must know you have been a constant in my mind these past few months. Though I understand your need to be alone at this time, nothing can ever describe the unthinkable things you have been through.

But perhaps, if you wish so, we could meet at St Mary’s Gardens in Woolwich. I hear it’s near your current home. I’ll be there on Sunday at 10 in the morning, should you choose to join me. It’ll be good to see your face once more.

Yours,Theseus

You’ve read this letter a hundred times since a certain familiar owl dropped it on your windowsill, just like the other times it had done so. Letters from Theseus were merely part of your days for the past two months, your desk in your bedroom filled with parchments of handwritten letters, signed by the very man that saved your life and sought to protect you.

Despite this, you never once gave a reply to any of his letters. Truth be told, you had been avoiding Theseus, a subconscious decision to try and distance yourself from everything related to magic. You never wanted to push him away, but you didn’t know how to separate yourself from the events with The Restoration Movement and Miriam without being in his presence. Theseus reminded you of all you’ve lost, though you seem to have forgotten the one thing you’ve gained.

You never saw him when Miriam was put on trial. When the ministry convinced you to step in as a witness, to give your testimony. In return, a deal was made—you get to keep your memories but sworn to secrecy. You somehow suspected that Theseus is the very reason the Ministry is so willing to work with you.

But it was overwhelming. Especially at the start. To talk about everything.

You pushed him away but It didn’t stop Theseus from writing to you. Update after update. He understands your grief better than you would expect. 

Theseus never gave up on you. And for a moment, you wonder why you ever gave up on him.

A gust of wind whips through the deck of the Woolwich Ferry, tugging at the letter from your fingers. For a moment, it seemed like it would slip from your grasp, lost to the currents of the River Thames. Your heart leaps as you tighten your grip, fingers curling around the paper as if it were the only thing anchoring you to reality.

You clung to every word like it was a lifeline. His words were the first thing you reached for in the morning, the reassuring touch that helped you muster the strength to face another day alone. 

Though certain words made your heart thrum a little faster than usual.

You must know you have been a constant in my mind these past few months.

You know how you feel about Theseus, but now, it’s clear as day.

Perhaps you don’t have to be alone anymore.

The ferry comes to a halt by Woolwich Pier, and your hands start getting clammy. From your position trailing behind a line of people as you step off the ferry, you can spot the gardens, a small gathering of trees amid the urban landscape.

However, you’re distracted, your mind lingering on the words that filled Theseus's letter.

It’ll be good to see your face once more.

The passing scenery catches you off guard and grounds you back to reality when you realise you’re already at the entrance of St Mary’s Gardens. Towering trees with arched branches and leaves rustling in the gentle breeze that shines golden against the morning sunlight. The trees cast shadows on the ground, dancing along the lush yet overgrown grass. 

And there, you see Theseus.

He seems anxious, movements betraying a nervous energy that mirrored your own. One moment, he’s seated; the next, he’s standing; and another, he’s pacing as if unable to settle into one spot for more than a moment.

You watch him for a moment, somehow unable to move. 

God, you miss him.

Then, as if he had sensed your presence, he’s turning around only to meet your gaze. In an instant, a wave of relief washes over his face, melting away the tension that had gripped him moments before. His expression softens at the mere sight of you. His expression splits into a smile that lights up his entire face.

Theseus says your name, and you feel the sudden warmth that floods your chest.

“Theseus.”

He carefully ambles to you, halting just about a foot away.

“You look …”

Tired, distraught, awful—

“Beautiful.”

Your heart picks up speed and pulls a bashful smile from you. You can’t even look at him without going red.

“Thank you. You look …”

Handsome, charming, the most beautiful man you’ve ever encountered.

“—well too. At least from the last time I saw you.”

The two of you were at St Mungo’s. Theseus had his arm around your waist, bearing the weight of your weakened frame as you stumbled, the sudden nausea overwhelming you after apparating to the hospital. In the reception area, you doubled over and vomited.

Just like old times.

Then, you were separated ever since.

Theseus mirrors your smile, similarly coy.

“I was beginning to think you were ignoring me for good.”

Your heart breaks a little at his words. “Look, Theseus. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I was just …” you trail off, unable to finish your words. You feel guilty.

“No, it’s—you don’t have to apologise. You needed space, I understand that.” Theseus says with an edge of anxiety. As if one wrong word, you’ll go running. He purses his lips and tucks his hands into his pockets.

“I was just worried about you, that’s all.”

Your heart stutters. Theseus has always been so caring that it’s almost overwhelming.

He senses a shift in the air. He knows to be careful and patient. You need time. And he’s willing to wait as long as you want him to.

“If you would like, we could meet again. Same place, same time?”

“I would like that a lot, Theseus.”

–

Your Sundays were then days that truly felt brighter. Theseus works through the week at odd hours, yet ensures to keep his weekends free. Every Sunday, he’s there at St Mary’s Gardens, to give you an update on the investigation.

You find out how your mother passed in America at the hands of Miriam and how your brother may have been a seer, though unproven. It was the only explanation as to how he predicted you would even meet Theseus.

You buried your family. Three empty caskets.

Those times were the hardest. The realisation that secrets had been kept from you left you feeling helpless. Yet, through it all, Theseus stood by your side.

Weeks drift by, the case closes and Miriam and her followers are put behind bars. Still, Theseus ends with the same words:

“Same place, same time?”

So, Sundays turned into Fridays. Then, Wednesdays and Mondays—Theseus always found a way to weave you into his life, despite the hectic life of being an Auror. With his career on the rise from his hard work with your case, it’s hard for him to make time, but he makes it a point to see you, to hear your voice, to check up on you ever so often.

Theseus carries a certain air of enthusiasm when he’s with you. It’s carefully placed, disguised behind his calm demeanour, but you hope he knows how much you share that same enthusiasm whenever you see him. Whether it’s traversing through Hyde Park or sharing meals, these little times tend to be the highlights of your week. It revolves all around him.

Your love for Theseus doesn’t come careening in like an arrow pieced to your heart or a shock to the discernment of your feelings for him.

It’s gradual. And it grows larger and larger with every passing day. With every passing second.

And here you are, leaning against the railing that overlooks the River Thames, brushing shoulders with Theseus as you finish your ice cream. The river glimmers under the setting sun, and a gentle warm breeze sweeps through as the two of you watch Tower Bridge light up in comfortable silence.

“I saw Mr. Shacklebolt the other day,” you chirp suddenly, gaze trailing the ducks by the shore. The skies begin to turn dark as the crowds diminish, but you feel safe. Especially with Theseus.

Theseus turns to you with a curious furrow of his brows. “Who?”

You hum. It’s soft and contemplative and it causes a small smile to creep on your lips. “My old employer. He fired me months back. Before, you know, everything that happened –”

You catch your slipping and immediately halt your sentence, back to munching on your almost-gone ice cream cone.

Before I met you.

He recognises the implication and the sudden shift of your expression. It’s so vague, but he sees it. He always does.

Theseus takes a pause and decides to not address it.

“Really? So, did you clock him in the jaw?” There’s a hint of mischief in his tone and it causes you to laugh. Theseus’ eyes crinkle at the sight.

“I would have. He was right across the street. But, I decided not to. Not because he was with his children and I didn’t want them to see their father get knocked out by a lady –”

It’s Theseus’ turn to laugh. Your face splits into a grin as you continue. “I realised I wouldn’t be where I am today if he hadn’t fired me that day.”

A beat. You’re mustering up some sort of courage to make your care for Theseus known. To put it under the spotlight for everyone to see. From the corner of your eye, you can see him staring at you, taking you in, clinging to every word you say.

“And I wouldn’t have met you.” 

You huff, feeling incredibly restless as you turn to face him.

“Theseus, I don’t think I ever thanked you for everything you’ve done for me. You saved my life, and you never gave up on me. I thank you for that.”

He goes quiet in an almost bashful manner now tucked into the pockets of his slacks as he replies, “I try my best … or are you just saying that because I bought you ice cream?”

“Oh piss off!” you snap back at his tease with ardent humour, jabbing him in his shoulder with your finger.

You watch him squirm away with a casual laugh, beaming at you like you’re the sun. At this moment you decide you’re not waiting anymore. God, you don’t even know why you waited this long.

Theseus falls silent, his gaze still fixed on you with a curious beam that ignites a sudden surge of courage within you—courage you never knew you had.

In an instant, you’re surging to him, closing the distance between you where your lips meet his. It’s clumsy, graceless and so quick that it’s almost dreamlike in its brevity. You’re looking at him with wide eyes as if you couldn’t believe what you had just done.

You kissed him.

And Theseus looks like he’s about to explode.

"It seems that you just beat me to it," he breathes, his own lips tingling with the burning imprint of yours.

His words elicit an airy laugh from you, and as you mirror his grin, Theseus feels his heart skip a beat at the sight. Of all the times he’d known you, he had never seen you this light, this warm, this … happy.

He can’t explain it, but an impulse drives to reach for your hand, fingers tangled in your own as he brings his other to the curve of your cheek, warm to the touch. Vacant from tears, but lined with crinkles of laughter and smiles.

He feels the same way when with you.

At that moment, Theseus leans in to press his lips to yours once more. It’s different from before—more gentle, honest, and grounding.

It’s beautiful.

You’ve lived your life full of discrepancies and contradictions, but Theseus is the one thing you were so certain about. It’s a final profound sense of clarity.

Entwined with his fingers, there’s a sense of contentment that settles within you. As if the happiness you always sought has finally found its way into your life.

TAGLIST: (i really hope i got this right ;-;)

@crumpets-are-better-with-jam

@inlovewithfictionalcharacters27

@aterriblelangblr

@yournewmommy

@mariaelizabeth21-blog1

@eternallyvenus

@poolnoodlerescuer

@mads-weasley

@decrepit-bees-knees

@eternallyvenus

@lanespeaks

@127djarin

@iceman-kazansky

@probabydeadbynow

@lunalov3smoony

@rinisfruity14

@orchiidflwer

[bbcphile]

CPTSD and Mysterious Lotus Casebook Part II: Di Feisheng, Violence, and Emotional Regulation

In last week’s meta, I wrote about complex CPTSD, its stereotypes, and how DFS and LLH each show different aspects of CPTSD symptoms.

This week’s post focuses on DFS and self regulation, including emotional regulation. As I mentioned before, it’s common for tv shows and films to have characters who have survived child abuse or traumatic combat situations be affected by out of control, violent outbursts. What I find fascinating about DFS, however, is that, while the jianghu and even Li Lianhua initially see him as someone who resorts to violence at the slightest provocation, that’s not at all who he is according to what we see on screen. While he does lash out with violence, he is more in control of his actions, expression of emotions, and violent impulses than just about anyone in the show.

Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is a challenge with complex PTSD for a number of reasons, including: 

Traditional flashbacks (re-experiencing the traumatic memories as though it is happening again)

Emotional flashbacks (experiencing all the emotions from the trauma as intensely as if it were happening again, including grief, rage, betrayal, fear, etc.)

Body memories (experiencing the physical sensations of the trauma like it’s happening again)

Hypervigilance (being constantly on the lookout for threats to defend against them and keep yourself safe) and its resultant irritability and overstimulation

Intrusive thoughts (seeing images or thinking thoughts related to the trauma that you can’t block out)

Nightmares (of the trauma), or insomnia from avoiding nightmares and the resulting exhaustion and irritability from sleep deprivation 

As a result, anything that reminds someone of the trauma can be a trigger that could set off any or all of these reactions. That means, for DFS, that being betrayed by someone he trusted, or being poisoned and made powerless, or being attacked by someone with more power than him, or confronting his abuser is never about experiencing just that event in isolation: it almost always brings up the feelings of the earlier, even more traumatic times similar things have happened. Also, it’s not just events or people’s actions that can be triggers: smells, colors, textures, sounds, tastes, shapes, terrain, enclosed spaces, decor style—anything can trigger this sort of re-experiencing. As you might imagine, responding appropriately to people and situations can be difficult when your brain is constantly telling you that you are in danger or actively being harmed!

How do people deal with being bombarded by emotions, memories, and sensations of the worst times of their lives? The version media shows most often is a traditional “fight” response, where people lash out at others, either preemptively to avoid being hurt or in retaliation for a real or perceived hurt, although lots of survivors of CPTSD turn this fight response inwards in what I’ve started calling “lashing in,” where, like Li Lianhua, they direct the anger and hatred that should go toward the perpetrators of abuse toward themselves instead.  (There’s also the “flight” response—avoiding and running away from things that remind you of the trauma or throwing yourself into distractions by being a workaholic—or the “freeze” response of dissociation, or the “fawn” response of trying to appease and placate someone harming you, but more on those another day.)

DFS, Violence, and Emotional Regulation

I want to emphasize that I’m not saying DFS isn’t violent: Di Feisheng does lash out, verbally and physically! (And for a great image set of the number of people he chokes, check out this post by @difeisheng.) What I find fascinating about DFS is the way he is such an interesting twist on the idea of lashing out;  he’s not hurting others during a flashback or nightmare, or harming others as an outlet for his anger, or killing first and asking questions later to stay safe. He’s using violence but in a deliberate, controlled way, and as a last resort. And this is even more impressive given all the potential things that might trigger him.

Leaving Seclusion

His first appearance as an adult in the show’s present highlights this beautifully: his first act when he breaks free from seclusion is to tell Jiao Liqiao and Yao Mo not to kill the people who have intruded on his hideout, which is the reason FDB and LLH live past episode 5. This is wild to me, because it would be easy for someone who has been on the run from the Di Fortress his entire life and clearly fears being recaptured to say they deserve death for trespassing or because they could be Di Fortress spies. Or, since he spent a decade recovering from injuries liable to make him feel helpless, he could have used it as a chance to fight them as a way of proving to himself that he is still strong and capable and unlikely to be recaptured. Instead, he tells JLQ and Xue Gong to stand down and uses his qinggong to leave the scene, not even interrogating them to find out more. So, even though being unexpectedly interrupted while he’s still weaker than he used to be would activate his hypervigilance and increase the likelihood of him lashing out, he doesn’t. Anything he’s feeling stays internal and not on his face, such that he looks and acts unaffected. And since it’s one of his earliest appearances, it’s proof that this pattern is present from the start. It’s not just Li Lianhua’s influence or DFS’ time without memories as a-Fei soothing his bad temper or rage or uncontrolled violence: he was never out of control to begin with.  

Asura Grass

DFS’ restraint comes into play again when he finds out that Li Lianhua blocked his meridians with Asura grass, interfering with his ability to access his qi. I am feral about this moment. DFS has spent his entire life trying to be as strong as possible so he would never be helpless again and regularly has nightmares/flashbacks of his childhood in the Di Fortress in which he didn’t have the strength, training, or skills to defend himself properly, and to times he was helpless and couldn’t control his own body because of the mind control bug that had been put into him against his will. His nightmares show that he remembers the pain it caused when the Di Fortress head rang the bell, and that the bug writhed in his neck while triggering that pain. In poisoning him with the Asura grass, something that literally moves and grows inside him to make him weaker and unable to fully defend himself, LLH could have unknowingly reenacted that trauma from Di Fortress. The fact that it happens immediately after two positive things–he had regained the strength he’d lost so he’d be feeling safer and freer than he had for the last decade, and the fact that he’d just found LXY alive after mourning him and losing interest in martial arts beyond wanting the security his skills provide–would have made this betrayal hurt even more: it’s the sort of thing that crushes hope and makes you think you’ll always be trapped. That it came from someone he cared for (as a rival, as an aspirational figure, as his equal, as a romantic prospect, etc.) and still mostly trusted could have itself been a trigger because of the early days at Di Fortress when he learned the hard way that his options were kill or be killed, and trust and kindness didn’t fit into that world.  Despite the fact that LLH’s using Asura grass on him would be an incredibly painful combination of triggers and terrible timing, DFS stays mind-boggling in control of his external reactions. When he realizes his meridians are blocked, his face falls and his fingers twitch slightly (they are usually either held completely still in a studied, neutral rounded position or in a fist if he’s really mad about something and doesn’t mind showing it externally), and he starts to take a step towards LLH. But before he’s moved much at all, LLH tells him to stay where he is and not come closer. 

And he stops. 

He’s having Big Feelings about it (and who wouldn’t? Especially since part of his trauma is being immobilized when trying to get back at the person who harmed him!), as the Throat Bob of Feeling (his biggest emotional tell) shows, but he stops and hears LLH out. 

He escalates things later by putting his sword to LLH’s throat and telling him he’ll torture him to get the cure, but it’s more a warning than an actual threat; the fabric of LLH’s robes is between the blade and his skin so not even the flesh will be nicked. And once he learns that LLH is doing this not to harm him but because he wants his help–before he even knows what LLH wants his help with–he removes his dao from LLH’s neck and asks for more details. (There’s so much to say about how he wields words in this conversation, too, but it’s already getting too long!) This interaction shows that, for him, physical violence is to counter an active threat, even if he’s mad and hurting, and that his default even during times of extreme stress is to stay calm, despite how incredibly hard that would be for anyone.

DFS and FDB

This could be an entire meta on its own, but since it’s more obvious than some of the other points, all I’ll say here is that Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng argue and fight all the time, but Di Feisheng almost never instigates it: DFS usually tries to ignore FDB and walk away to avoid the conflict entirely, and once FDB throws the first punch, DFS’s goal is to get out of the fight, not to hurt him. Look at how FDB is actually trying to choke DFS when they’re wrestling and DFS is more bracing against his shoulder, as @difeisheng has said, or even at the rest of the fight choreography where each of DFS’ strikes is to force FDB to let go of him and to leave the room. 

(Note: FDB tries to strangle DFS first, whereas DFS is mainly trying to brace himself against his arms and keep him at arm’s length.

Even in the ep 13 fight, when Di Feisheng eventually poisons Fang Duobing with gang qi, he gives him several verbal warnings to draw his sword first, because he doesn’t want to fight someone who is unarmed. He’s also not trying to kill FDB; he’s trying to hurt him just enough that LLH is forced to ask for his help and agree to live. (More on this in the yin leaves meta I will eventually write.) So, again, it’s controlled violence in service of a larger goal, not vengeful, uncontrolled lashing out. 

DFS and the Limits of Emotional Regulation

There are 3 main times when DFS’ control over his anger/hurt/violence is shaken or in jeopardy: 1. when he finds out Li Lianhua was poisoned and is dying; 2. when he wakes up in pain and with no memories in the corpse seller’s place; and 3. when he wakes up from a nightmare/flashback–still without memories–in a bed with LLH hovering over him. For each, I’ll explain possible reasons the event could be so triggering to clarify why he struggled with emotional regulation. (Also, keep in mind that being triggered can happen even if the person in question doesn’t consciously know what triggered them or why, so while he might be aware of some or all of the connections between the present event and his past experiences, he wouldn’t need to be consciously aware of any of them for them to affect him emotionally and make it harder for him to control his response.)

Fight over Bicha

The scene where DFS learns that LXY was poisoned for their donghai battle and thought it was on DFS’ order is fascinating, because it is the most angry and volatile we see DFS at any point in the show as an adult: he yells, repeatedly, his voice shaking with emotion, and he chokes Li Lianhua twice. Given how tightly controlled he is the rest of the time—including when he confronts his abusers and any of the times he is captured or tortured (I’ll talk about the latter two in a dissociation meta later)—that means that whatever he is feeling must be overpowering to shake his iron control. So before we get into analyzing the way that he is still showing restraint, even here, we need to address why this realization would be such a trigger for him.

Although DFS claims he’s angry and upset about the realization because he wants to be the best in a fair fight and his previous fake victory made him seem like a joke, it seems highly likely he’s not telling the full story, since that’s not really a thing he does. (For a full listing of things he lies about or deliberately omits/withholds, check out this post.) In fact, it seems very likely his reaction happened because of just how many triggers this scenario managed to hit. For example, at Di Fortress, he was forced into fights he didn’t want to participate in, where the odds were stacked against him because he was a child forced to fight people older and more experienced than he was, so as an adult, he wants to fight people who are at his level, and not people weaker than he is, because he doesn’t want to continue the cycle. This is why he isn’t interested in fighting other people on the martial arts list, why he barely expends any power at all on fighting the Sigu sect members, etc. He knows what it feels like to be on the other side of that, and in the same way that he wants to free the children in the Di Fortress so they don’t have to suffer as he did, so he wants to never be the cause of someone suffering under an imbalance of power. Also, since every escape attempt from Di Fortress and every attack against his abusive master was rigged against him—because the mind control bug could stop him in his tracks—he likewise doesn’t want to deprive someone of their agency like that. We also know that Di Feisheng and Li Xiangyi signed a peace treaty for five years, where they promised not to attack each other; that promise not to attack each other was exactly what he kept trying to form with the other prisoners in Di Fortress, but he couldn’t find anyone to agree and just got stabbed for his efforts.

Li Xiangyi breaking the peace treaty would have shattered that dream (and probably his heart a bit, too), but even that wouldn’t hurt as much as finding out, all at the same time, that: 

1. He had thought he was the best in the world at martial arts which to him meant safety and security from Di Fortress, and he just found out it was based on a lie; 

2. His now second-in-command, JLQ, had poisoned LXY (which violated the peace treaty), a betrayal that would reactivate his already very prevalent trust issues; 

3. He had fought and almost killed someone in a rigged fight when he tries to be deliberate about his kills and violence so as not to perpetuate the abuse he suffered from; 

4. JLQ had essentially tried to turn him into the butcher the head of Di Fortress wanted him to be, and he hadn’t known it for a decade; 

5. LXY had spent a decade thinking DFS endorsed the sort of abuses he abhorred;

6. LXY is now dying and mostly powerless because of what was done in his name and because he didn’t notice the poisoning kicking in, and LXY refuses to fight for his life or to give DFS a chance to save him and essentially undo the harm that has been done. To DFS, LXY is making him complicit in his death yet again, which would mean being again responsible for the death of someone he wants to live, just like he was as a child. 

Oh, and he’s facing all this with his meridians blocked and without access to his qi, which means he’s most likely feeling perpetually hypervigilant and helpless, which would mean everything is likely to feel like even more of a threat and emotional regulation is even harder.

In short, it is a clusterfuck of epic proportions. And this is all assuming that he mainly thought of LXY as purely a rival he respected: if you read DFS as already loving LXY (whether he realizes it consciously or not), you can see why it would be even worse.

And of course, all of Li Lianhua’s suggestions that DFS pretend he didn’t hear or move on and fight someone else are not addressing the main issues, because he doesn’t know them. But if DFS wasn’t about to tell LXY that someone was framing the Jinyuan alliance for the murder of SGD a decade ago, he’s certainly not about to tell him his deepest secret–that due to a mind control bug, one ring of a bell can render him absolutely helpless, which is why fair fights and being strong enough to defeat any enemy are incredibly important to him–so of course, to LLH, it’s just about DFS wanting to prove he’s the best as part of an ego trip, even though that’s not it at all. And of course LLH’s dismissiveness is going to make everything worse for DFS.

With all that in mind, let’s look at his body language and actions to see how he handles things when he is incredibly close to losing it. Although he does lash out, his first choice, as always, isn’t violence: he gathers info via eavesdropping–rather than bursting in during a fit of rage as soon as he learns the truth–and when he confronts LLH, he yells at him first, telling him what he overheard. It’s only when LLH tries to avoid the subject by snarking at him about eavesdropping instead of telling him the truth that DFS grabs LLH by the neck and shoves him against a pillar. 

The moment in the entire show he is at his angriest is when he yells “It matters!” after LLH says it doesn’t matter who won or lost.

This is what DFS looks like when he’s losing control: his arm shakes for an instant before he locks the muscles to keep in place, and he puts a tad more pressure than he meant to on LLH’s neck before he realizes it and pulls back again. He’s been incredibly truthful here, in a way: the fact that he didn’t win because Li Lianhua was poisoned matters tremendously to him. He’s just not saying why and letting LLH believe the worst of him, which is another of his common strategies.

In case there’s any doubt that DFS’s choking of LLH is more designed to warn than to harm and is overall incredibly controlled apart from that moment, just look at his grip: Li Lianhua can talk and breathe normally and even turn his head the first time, so this move designed to show that DFS is mad, hurt, and serious about the conversation rather than actually trying to hurt or punish LLH or cut off his air. He also lets go completely while trying to convince LLH to let him cure him. He only grips Li Lianhua’s neck again when LLH refuses to accept help and only applies any real force when Li Lianhua essentially calls his bluff about killing people from Baichuan Court (or rather, tells his own bluff–a lie that he doesn’t care what happens to them). 

Even there, since he’s making threats he doesn’t mean, he’s very much trying to play into the villain role LLH saw/sees him as (the person who murdered SGD, broke a peace treaty, and poisoned him), but he’s not doing it to harm LLH or “just” force him to have a second duel: he’s doing it to try to convince him to live, to give him something to fight (him) for: the safety of other people DFS thinks LLH cares about most. 

After all, most of the conversation isn’t about a second duel at all: it’s about DFS trying to convince LLH to let him find a cure. No wonder he has the Throat Bob of Feeling twice when LLH explains that he’s dying and doesn’t have much time left.

With that in mind, the fact that DFS uses the traditional Di family choking move again when LLH refuses to agree to let DFS try to cure him is a fascinating metaphor for how DFS approaches violence when it comes to LXY: he’s using a move designed to cause harm, but with the intent to convince LLH to accept help. In other words, he’s using a technique designed to kill to try to force Li Lianhua to live.

a-Fei and Hypervigilance

Even when DFS wakes up with amnesia, only remembering “kill or be killed” and some of his worst trauma memories, and would be most likely to act on pure instinct, he still exercises restraint. When he finds himself first at the corpse seller’s and later at Lotus Tower, not knowing how he got to either place, it would be the work of a moment to snap the neck of the man trying to sell him to be married to a dead woman without his consent, or to stab the hair stick (or knife? I can’t tell which) from the nightstand through Li Lianhua’s throat. But even then, when he’d have every reason to assume his life is in jeopardy and he needs to kill first, he doesn’t. In both cases, he pauses, gathers information, and listens, and lets go. (And yes, he collapses in the first of these two instances instead of actively making the choice to let go, but he’s already loosened his grip to listen to Li Lianhua, and when he sees the corpse seller the next day, he doesn’t try to harm him, or even exhibit any animosity at all toward him, showing again that once the threat is passed, so too has his desire for violence.) Even when he’s under threat or having a flashback and all he knows is killing, he doesn’t kill. 

DFS and Violence against Abusers

Even when he does intend to harm–particularly with his two abusers, the head of Di Fortress and Jiao Liqiao (who he kills, even though it goes against his policy of not killing women)–his emotions and actions are tightly controlled: while he does choke them and destroy their meridians, and tell them why he’s getting revenge, his voice, strength, and facial expressions are almost superhumanly regulated. 

Confronting an abuser is incredibly difficult, because it usually triggers the feelings of fear and helplessness that were experienced during the abuse. It might be hard to imagine DFS feeling fear or helplessness because he doesn’t explicitly show it as an adult much, but the fact that he still has nightmares/flashbacks of being immobilized and hurt by the head of Di Fortress means that even though he’s an adult who is at the top of the jianghu, he’s still regularly re-experiencing the terror of being helpless and at his mercy for decades, and his fear of helplessness has motivated almost every action of his since. That means that he would be struggling during that confrontation, fighting off literal and emotional flashbacks and/or dissociation, and trying to convince his brain that he’s no longer a helpless child about to be punished or killed. And, generally speaking, once you’ve confronted one abuser, future confrontations with different abusers trigger all the feelings from the confrontation with the earlier abuser, especially if the aftermath of the confrontation was traumatic (which, given that it’s when JLQ incapacitated, captured, and tortured him, it definitely was). So, when confronting JLQ, he’s probably reexperiencing that fear and helplessness on top of everything else.  And, given how often we see him show nothing, even while being tortured, the cracks in his facade here speak to just how deeply the confrontations are affecting him. 

He doesn’t even raise his voice, and the only hints of the toll the confrontations are taking on him are tiny, almost invisible facial movements, which you can see in the gifs below:

When the head of Di Fortress offers to make him the new master and in charge of abusing others, the muscles of one cheek and under the opposite eye start twitching.

(and zoomed in if you need a close up!)

2. When JLQ taunts him after he broke free from her prison by saying “Do you want to escape?” his jaw works from side to side as he forces himself to not react.

3. When he chokes JLQ after she says she’ll kill LLH for being the reason DFS doesn’t love her, it takes him two tries to speak before his voice works (look at his lips forming the opening word twice before working the third time.)

So, clearly, the lapses in his control aren’t violent outbursts; they speak to something far more nuanced than that, namely, the emotional turmoil confronting an abuser brings up.

[Also, compare this to LLH’s reaction when he finds out SGD tricked their shifu into sacrificing himself for him. He’s flooded by his emotions, which affects his fighting style, and it triggers a Bicha flare. Note: I’m NOT criticizing LLH here. His reaction makes perfect sense and I’m not saying DFS’ approach is better. I am saying that it’s unusual to have the hero be the one who lashes out and has less emotional control and to have the person the jianghu sees as the temper-tantrum prone villain be the one who keeps his emotions in a chokehold.]

So many shows have confrontation scenes with an abuser be either profoundly triumphant events or violent revenge fantasies where the character almost loses control beating up the person who harmed them. These scenes are fascinating not just because DFS doesn’t rejoice or lose control, but because of the way DFS’ microexpressions show how hard the confrontations are for him. These are not the actions of someone who is controlled by rage or violent impulses. They’re the actions of someone who has spent so much of his life with his body controlled by the non-existent mercy of others that he refuses to let anything, including his emotions and memories, wrestle his hard-won control of his body away from him. Of someone who knows what it’s like to suffer, powerless, at the violent hands of others, and tries to make sure that the violence he commits with his own hands is well-reasoned and justified. Of someone who is hypervigilant not only to external threats but to the threat he himself could be.

In other words, the extreme amount of control he exercises over himself and the way he is hypervigilant to the threat that he could pose and the way he goes out of his way to not abuse power over others the way he was abused is itself a manifestation of his complex CPTSD.

The portrayal of his cPTSD is particularly interesting when you realize that the out of control, hyperviolent danger to society villain stereotype is exactly who the jianghu thinks Di Feisheng is for most of the show. But the reality is that Di Feisheng has more self-control than the rest of the lotus trio (certainly more than Fang Duobing does), even when he’s being violent. And, just as the jianghu’s legends have very little basis in reality and do damage to the characters, so does the caricature of a hyperviolent traumatized villain have almost nothing in common with the real experiences and symptoms of cPTSD and actively harm survivors. And I’m thrilled that this show is giving us new narratives about trauma to challenge that stereotype. 

As for how he holds on to that type of control over himself, given that struggles with emotional regulation are part of having complex ptsd? The short answer is a combination of compartmentalization, dissociation, habit, and grounding techniques (including meditation). 

Stay tuned for a post on these coping mechanisms and the evidence from the show that he uses them.

[not-neverland06]

If requests are still open, how about headcanons of Heisenberg with a reader that is a fifth lord. Reader's Cadou allows them to manipulate sound (radio) waves, and go as far as sonic scream. No pressure or rush, just curious on your interpretation :)

Karl Heisenberg x GN!reader A/N: This is only the second time I’ve done HC’s and I’m still struggling to get a grasp on them. Thank you for the request, your prompt was interesting to think about. This is a little short, so if I didn’t give you what you wanted let me know and I’ll try again.

He really doesn’t give a shit about you at first

Unless you go out of your way to catch his attention he’s treating you the same as he treats the rest of the family

Whatever your powers are, he’s gonna assume you’re just as bad as the rest of them and dismiss you

You have to actively make him notice you

It wouldn’t take a lot, maybe one snide comment towards Mother Miranda and suddenly you have value

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” You scoffed, glaring down at the horde of Miranda’s worshippers that had surrounded the old church. You’d just been passing through town, picking something up from the duke before heading back up the mountain. 

Heisenberg happened to be there at the same time. You weren’t sure what his deal with the Duke was but it seemed to be complicated. His head perked up as you glared at the villagers. “What’s your problem?” He muttered, tone bitter. 

You nodded towards the villagers, “They are. All their Mother Miranda bullshit, I’m sick of it.” You walked back towards your lair, the old radio tower up in the mountain. It was the best place for you to be with the way your powers functioned, your strongest point. 

He watched as you went, staring at you contemplatively and wondering how he’d missed that hatred in your eyes. 

When he and Alcina start to argue, Miranda will just look at you and you’ll let out a scream so loud bits of drywall fall from the ceiling

It’s painful but it’s effective, you’re essentially used as a mute button when things get out of hand

You tend to avoid the others, keeping quiet and to yourself

When Miranda had first experimented on you, your experience with the sound waves had been less than pleasant

Learning to control them was difficult. The first time you spoke after waking up from her little experiment, you’d blown out your own eardrums. 

Even after you finally harnessed them, you figured that it was better to just be quiet. The times you did speak you kept your voice below a whisper. 

“You don’t talk a whole lot do you?”

You shrugged, “Only when I have to, really.” You sat in his workshop, mostly against your will. He’d invited you to dinner, though it felt like more of a command, and you’d tried to get him to make the journey up the mountain to you. 

He’d, of course, refused because he was a stubborn bastard. You didn’t even want to sit down anywhere, there was oil and blood on nearly every surface. And if it wasn’t covered in that, it was sticky with dried lycan drool. 

At least Moreau managed to keep his quarry clean.

Heisenberg hadn’t stopped staring at you since you sat down, it was starting to bug you.

You don’t normally speak with your family, mainly because you don’t really care for any of them. Having his attention on you was disturbing.

He sets his fork down on his plate and gives you an odd look, “How do your powers work, anyway?”

It was easier to show than it was to explain. You focused on the large pile of metal scraps on his desk and opened your mouth. The noise was nearly silent at first, a high pitched ringing that you questioned if you were actually hearing. 

Then it got louder, the ringing clear now. It was painful to anyone outside of the focused stream of sound waves, but it was lethal once you stepped into the stream. The metal shook, vibrating loudly against his desk. A few toppled over, the rest exploded in a violent display of clashing metal shards and sparks. 

Heisenberg clutched his ears, a small stream of blood leaking from between his fingertips. You want to apologize to him. You’ve always had a little difficulty controlling your powers in such close spaces. 

But he doesn’t look mad, he doesn’t even look like he’s in pain. Instead he’s grinning widely at you, something glinting in his eyes that had you feeling on edge. 

He sees the uniqueness of your powers, the untapped potential for violence and how helpful someone like you could be to his cause

He waters the seedling of resentment you already hold towards Miranda and helps it grow

He whispers words of hate and anger into your ear until you’re just as passionate about taking Miranda down as he is

You two work together, using your odd understanding of radio and sound waves to improve his soldat designs 

Slowly, your loyal followers from the village start to abandon you and move to different lords. Your connection to Heisenberg has soured your influence among the sheep in the village, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care

Your status as a lord meant little to you when you had him

He’s intrigued by your powers and loves to experiment with them, but more than anything there’s something soothed inside him because he’s no longer alone

He’s grateful for the support you provide when he feels like he’s just stagnant in his progress taking down Miranda

end. — I do not own the characters or the game Resident Evil Village, but this writing is my own all rights reserved © not-neverland06 2024. do not copy, repost, translate & recommend elsewhere.

[lorimnnn]

Hello, would you be so kind to write for some DBD killers? If so, could you please write some headcanons on Max, Kazan and Anna taking pity on a survivor reader? She has been hiding away the whole trial and they find her shaking in a corner, hugging her knees and crying. She is so scared that she can't move and the only thing that comes out of her mouth is a weak "I just want to go home"

Than you in advance! 💗

absolutely!!!!

i do apologise for taking WAY too long with this, sometimes a lack of motivation trumps all, no matter how good the request is!

I hope what I've written is plenty enough to please you...

also, keep requesting guys! I love seeing your messages turn up in my inbox <;3

~

cw: canon-typical violence, gore, some swearing, panic/anxiety, but mostly just angsty fluff, ngl

DBD Killers With a Scared!Reader

Max Thompson Jr.

Initially... he's so confused. He doesn't know what to think, first, but avoids you as an issue to deal with later. I'd like to think the Hillbilly prefers to take care of the more difficult survivors, first--- he's just like that.

His screams terrify you. You can hear the sound or people getting torn apart and you've never been particularly fond of torture. You were a sensitive, emotional soul, and so, very kind. But make no mistake. The Entity meant for you to be here--- whoever the "Entity" was, anyway.

At this point, everybody had left you behind to fend for themself. Since the Hillbilly was an unsubtle butcher, it was easier to elude and avoid him--- giving them time to try explain to you and encourage you to do your part. But it just went in one ear and out the other. You were terrified, after all. Eventually, they just gave up and let you be, crying and frozen with your hands clamped over your ears.

How did it ever come to this?

Now you're the only one left. Max doesn't notice you at first, you know, since you're new. He thinks he's taken care of everyone, but he doesn't understand why the trial hasn't ended

Then he hears small, breathless sniffles

Whips around, confused

His chainsaw growls at his side and the crying grows louder as he nears. He hunts you down and just... finds you. Raises the chainsaw above his head and is about to kill you--- but then you look up at him, completely defeated and vulnerable, wet-eyed and quivering

You don't even try to run at that rate. How can you? Where will you go? You've never been here before. But it looks very far from home

I think it's the hopelessness in your life that makes him pause

he's completely quiet and just standing there

And realising that nobody is coming to help you, you burst into more violent wails

"I want to go home!"

Awkwarddddd

stands there watching you tear up and inwardly panics

doesn't know how to comfort anyone. his parents were terrible and tortured him, and because of his prison in the walls, he never got to make any friends

he's grappling with the feeling of duty

it's not the first time survivor's have cried before, but it's the first time one has cried and not looked at him with complete disgust or hatred. you're crying because you're scared, yes, and obviously scared of him... but it's like you're giving him an opportunity to win your trust

he finally gets to be more than an angry villain... and he's unsure where to start

so he puts down his chainsaw, first. turns it off and everything, then just chucks it somewhere behind him. he'll go find it later

you're watching him like a deer in the headlights as he gets down on his knees and carefully scoots towards you

you flinch when his hand descends close to your face... and then rests on your head

*pat pat pat*

You're still so stiff, so terrified, but your tears are beginning to cease in passion

seeing your reaction feels like a reassurance, so he does it again

a bit harsh with it though

"ow..." you say when it starts to feel like he's hitting you. "that hurts..."

oh my gosh he feels so bad

hand retreats immediately

makes a sound that has you deflating completely, because you realise he's trying. he's truly trying, and is just not very good at it

he's completely defenseless, too

you realise that with a flinch, because it means that this disfigured, monstrous killer is trying to appeal to your trust, telling you he won't kill you

you soften up a little

you fear that when he stands up because you're taking too long, he'll grab the chainsaw again and make it quick. but you don't want to die--- you saw everyone else get chopped up and you don't want that to happen to you

max stiffens when he sees you beginning to move on to your hands and knees, crawling towards him. your face is still wet but now they're full of hope, not just undiluted fear

"can... can I have a hug?"

he's so scared he'll crush you

in all honesty maxie's never gotten a hug before. he's not used to this kind of gentleness, just violent anger

so he opens his arms up slowly, jerking like a rusting machine, inviting you in the best he can. trying to smile at you, even though his face doesn't allow. it's like his hatred for his disfigurement has just been renewed--- he wishes he could look nicer, just for you

definitely has a moment where he's like, "what the fuck am I doing right now?"

very well knows the entity may punish him for this

can't bring himself to care

not when you curl up against his chest between his knees, your sobs starting up again as you grip into his clothes, holding yourself impossibly close

absolutely melts

a natural at adapting to the cuddle

wraps his arms around you like you're delicate, though. not the firmness you need but it makes you feel so special and so cared for that you just cry harder, burying your face into him

max cannot believe this is happening rn

a new, alien kind of warmth floods through him, protective and strong. he strokes your arm gently and lets you cry, wishing he knew how to help, cursing himself out for the fact he doesn't

jumps when you speak, "will I ever go home again?"

his heart practically breaks. he doesn't want to shake his head, but he has to. he doesn't understand why he hates it when you cry, but he allows it.

and he promises that he'll do everything in his ability to protect you, and make sure you never have to cry like this again

all in all a 10/10 touch-starved baby. would probably fall a little in love with you when you recover, shaky hands reaching to pull you into another hug, but not knowing if it's okay.

will bridal carry you into the hatch and drop you in, heart breaking all over again when you scream and fight to reach for him, hands desperately fumbling for grip on his clothes

but he'll see you again

just you wait, sweetpea

Kazan Yamaoka

an asshole. he's so driven by rage that he most likely won't notice at first. just destroys and destroys, reaping destruction in his chosen path

this means that you won't even have a chance to talk to the other survivors. they know how kazan is and they'll send you an apologetic glance as they all scatter, wishing they had more time to explain but knowing if they didn't work fast, they were all done for

you're on your own, kid

let's say you're a good climber. shakily, you haul yourself on to the roof and choose there to hide, because for some reason... nobody ever looks up. ever.

until the end

kazan is wracking his head for a solution--- why isn't the trial ending? hasn't he won? he killed them all... hooked, mori'd, he'd lost count. but he knew the faces of the survivors he hated the most to the ones he still couldn't stand on a lesser scale and was sure he'd made a mess of all of them. but still, the trial continued

which meant a new survivor

so who was it?

where was it?

drives himself insane trying to find you. for all his rage and godlike pride, he's not the brightest

only realises you're on the roof when you start hiccupping, panic increasing tenfold when you realise you're the only one left. You don't know about hatches, you don't know about anything. Nobody explained anything to you

And now you're stuck with a flaming, angry monster

you can't even scream. it's stuck in your throat, muffled, choking on it--- you can only watch as kazan gets closer and closer. he's even angrier than usual--- did you mean to trick him? did you plan this? of course, you wanted to make a fool out of him

approaches you with audible, potent breaths. he reminds you of a hungry lion on the prowl, an apex predator approaching you, unrivalled. proud. ego hurt.

you back away

there is no remorse in this samurai, you can see it. you're scrambling back with your hands still on your ass, sniffling. and then you slip.

it's completely clumsy and stupid. you're at the end of the roof and you didn't realise, and now you're on your back, nothing to grab on to, and rolling off the edge.

kazan watches you smack against the ground. he expects you to get up and run away again.

but when you cry out, a vulnerable, naked cry, innocent to pain like this, he stops.

he watches you sob harder, muttering to yourself. "I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I just wanna go home..."

and your eyes are clenched shut, like you're praying. don't you know your wishes are futile, here? the Entity is not a merciful god, nor is it kind

you curl up into a ball and just lay there, and he can only stare

he starts to remember how your teammates didn't even help you. they only cared for themselves and their own survival. dishonourable cowards.

they'd left you stranded, and none of them had noticed

he supposed he could try and understand their positions. they were in a high-pressure situation and they could only do what they needed to do, lest they be butchered by them premature to even the middle of the trial. but still

there was a special kind of fear you honed that made him almost feel... bad

it took him back to his youth. he remembered his dead father. that man had not been innocent to bloodshed, but he had been innocent, no less. and he had died. dead in a way he did not deserve

you reminded him of his father taking his last breath

that day, he had failed to protect his family and honour his last name. he had not been a warrior that day, but a coward

and seeing you was a painful reminder of all his regrets

so he sighed

and carefully made his way towards you

you didn't even notice him until he grabbed you by the chin, turning your head to face him. your breath hitched in your throat and you froze all over, more tears surfacing to your eyes

but the feared oni only scoffed

"I'm not here to hurt you. I would have done so already if that were the case."

you sniffled pathetically

he loosened his grip on your face

being gentle had never been his strong suit. it had been a while since he'd had such an opportunity, to be responsible for someone else's comfort. be the person they needed

swallows when you melt into his touch

your entrance had been a rude one, after all. he was the only person who'd ever stopped and attempted kindess with you in this hell hole. the other survivors had neglected you

"your arm is broken?"

"i... I think so."

"The Entity will fix it."

"Entity?"

sighs

gently explains to you where you are and what's going on. at this point, he has squatted down to sit, less beast and more man... and you have finally sat up, cradling your arm as you scoot closer. kazan has noticed but hasn't said anything, unsure of your movements but certain of your weakness

does not expect you to throw yourself into his arms

the impropriety!!!

kazan is an Edo-era samurai, come on

freezes up like he's been violated

"s-sorry," you whisper. "I just... I need someone. Please. To tell me I'll be okay."

relaxes

pity begins to transform into sympathy and something else, something that makes him feel responsible for you. Like a dad or something, or maybe even more. a possible companion

won't get ahead of himself, though

strokes your hair like a domesticated cat and eventually hauls you into the little cradle formed in the centre of his crossed legs

you're baby now

not that you're complaining

kazan is as warm as a furnace and he's the first comforting thing you've had in a while. against your will, your entire body melts and you become liquid in his arms, much to his pleasure

he finds he... may like this

he's never really given tender affection like this before. sure, he had his family, but that had been purely for the upholding o his dark legacy

now that's over and immortalised, and there's you

he doesn't mind you

remember that kazan is very headstrong and emotionally driven. he kills everyone in an episode of unparalleled anger. so of course he starts to see you in a certain way--- his little deer, little one, sweet creature

depending only on him

of course he'll take care of you when he puts it like that

but alas, he can't keep you here forever

"Little one, we must part. But I will see you again. I will make sure of it. You will be strong when I see you next time. You will not cower. Do you understand?"

You really don't, but tearfully, you nod. you don't want to disappoint and it pleases him that you care to appease to a monster at all

leads you to the hatch with one hand on the back of your neck. sends you off with an approving nod.

you'll never know how softly he smiled at you that day

Anna

with her hunting skills, you have more luck being obvious than you do hiding and being subtle. you hiding and being subtle was what gave you away immediately

and also, Anna loves a challenge

the other survivors tried dragging you around with them, explaining, but it was all in vain. you weren't moving. you weren't doing anything but crying

they gave up and abandoned you when it compromised their own safety to be around you

but some stayed

who was it? leon. of course it's leon. he's too noble, too kind-hearted to leave you behind

he tries to defend you when Anna finally approaches, but he can't

you feel your entire world break apart when she mori's him right in front of you

that's when your hardly-contained sobs turn into silent, breathless whimpers, more tears streaming down your face and your chest quaking as you fight to breathe

you can't breathe

noticing how you aren't even moving away, Anna will pause

she will look at you, consider your state

do you enjoy being such easy prey?

maybe, maybe not

she takes her time to study you because you're not going anywhere and even if you tried, she'd be on to you in seconds

you're staring at Leon's mutilated body, hands curling into the dirty

i think that's when it hits you this is very real, and there's no escape

you're absolutely done for

and you're terrified because of it

and as Anna approaches, you can't even back away. too in shock, too scared, to helpless and vulnerable

who is this woman, so sly and stealthy, murdering all of you one by one? a rabbit mask on her face--- a real rabbit, too?

and why is she hesitating to kill you when she didn't hesitate to kill Leon?

little do you know, Anna's soft spot for little girls has been triggered

it just has to be the way you're curled up, knees to your chest and arms helpless beside you, fighting to curl around your legs when there's no strength to hold them there

you just look so... small

like you need someone

Anna will feel slightly bad that she killed the only person who gave you any sort of momentary security

after all, Anna knew what it was like to be left completely alone

the feeling of loneliness was unparalleled and the fact you looked so... defenceless made her feel even worse about it

at least the other survivors had their own skills

you were obviously new to all of this--- did you even know what you could do?

poor baby

immediately decides she will spare you. fuck being a survivor, you're helpless and you need someone, even if that means her, a killer. you need her

motherly instincts absolutely activated

you squeak pathetically when she crouches down beside you, arms looping beneath your knees and back

you can't even scream when she lifts you. what the fuck--- what are you doing, what---

she lifts you so easily, too. doesn't matter how heavy you are. remember her strength is increased by the entity, and she can hunt bears and stuff. she's strong

and she's... she's rocking you like a newborn baby...

anna sings to you. she sings the lullabies her mother used to sing to her and hums into your ear, trying to calm you

soothe you

it works, if only slightly

you're still not ever the fact that she brutalized Leon like that RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

and she does feel guilty but she isn't sure there is anything she can say to you to fix that

your eyes are just too innocent

it's very clear to her that you've never seen blood before. at least, not like that

not to that extreme

starts babying you until your cries cease completely

whispers to you comfortingly in Russian

you vaguely understand a question she keeps asking you: what's wrong? what is it? what is the problem?

at least, you think so

you just look at her tearfully, about to burst all over again and say, "I just want to go home!"

at that moment, her heart breaks for you

and she feels so much anger towards the Entity, because can she not see? is this some joke?

you are the last person deserving of this kind of hell

you reminded her of the rabbits that used to roam her forest. they were so vulnerable and weak

but they had their own tenacity she was sure she would see in you

puts you down and holds your hand, then starts tugging you along

you follow dumbly, with a bewildered expression on your face

her message is very clear: "I'll get to you in a minute. Let me take care of something first, okay?"

holds your hand tighter when she hooks and mori's the other survivor right in front of you all over again, feeling that you're trying to run away

it's like she's trying to each you something

shows you how to hide and the best places to do so (and pretends she can't see you when she forces you to practice)

it's giving father-son catch except it's more so mother-daughter hide and seek

not very fun on your end and you get more and more freaked out but you find you'd rather be favoured by the killer than hated

by the time there's nobody left, Anna will reluctantly lead you to the hatch

she doesn't want to let you go

she might even offer things to the entity to keep you as her little daughter

she knows she could protect you much better and hates the idea of seeing you hurt when she just knows the other killers won't be as merciful

they won't understand

feels so possessive of you already, but knows that either way, the Entity will take you away

So she pulls you to her, kisses your head

then shoos you off the hatch like a mother duck bidding farewell to her duckling

you just stare at her, confused

does it again

realising that she wants you to jump into the unknown door in the ground, you start crying again

no! no! don't do that!

hugs you in a panic and pets your hair

depending on how severe she will pick you up again

and in either case, she will have to--- broken heartedly--- send you off into the abyss as you sniffle

"please don't make me go..."

oh trust me, she doesn't want to

but she'd rather not find out what the entity will do to you

strokes your hair and gives you a gentle push

she'll come back for you, y/n

mommy's proud of you!!!

~

yay! I did it!

I hope you enjoyed this, nonnie. this was so fun to write.

please keep sending me requests!

oh, and remember to reblog and follow!

lorimn <3

[wanderingmirror]

"Alright, that's it! Square the fuck up!"

A Coruscant Guardsman shouted, causing all attention to fall onto him. Wolffe froze at the venom in the man's voice and the hatred in his eyes.

"What?"

He asked and the Corrie rolled his eyes. He also rolled his shoulders and started bouncing, readying himself for a fight.

"I said, square the fuck up. Are you deaf or is that your ego?"

The Corrie growled. He snarled and Wolffe nearly snarled himself if it still didn't baffle him on why the Corrie was so pissed. The other clone moved into a ready stance, loose and unassuming. But the dark hatred never left the man's eyes.

"You and your boys talk so much shit about us Corries, why don't you prove it? See if you can put me on my fuckin ass. I am so sick of your bullshit. Square up, Commander! Give this pencil pusher a fuckin taste!"

The other Corries didn't seem to care that one of their own was trying to start a fight. The Wolfpack was also quite stunned that a Corrie even wanted to fight. Rule keepers and fun police an all. Master Koon stepped forward and tried to de-escalate the situation.

"Alright, I don't think this is a good way to deal with these issues-"

The Corrie growled low and long, his eyes still fixed on Wolffe with rage.

"With all due respect, Sir, I want this dick to give me a reason to let me beat the ever loving shit out of him. He talks all this bullshit about my fuckin Commander and doesn't expect me to fuckin retaliate!? The only reason I ain't beating the shit out of you now is you haven't given me just cause. So square the fuck up, Commander Shabuir!"

The Corrie was respectful towards Master Koon. But that respect ended when it came to the Wolfpack. The other clones in grey all looked at this pencil pusher in stunned shock. They had never seen a Corrie lose their temper before. And seeing it now was slightly unnerving. The Corrie started to get irritated with the continued shock.

"Oh come on! I'm giving you a fucking opening, you spineless bitch! Square up and prove you're fucking better than me! Maybe if you do, I'll start to think you're more than just a spoiled little brat!"

That set Wolffe off, he growled and charged at the Corrie without further prompting. He tackled the Corrie and tried to get him to the floor for a few punches, but all that did was cause the other man to take a few steps back. He wrapped his arms around Wolffe'e waist and lifted him up upsidedown. The Commander yelped as he was thrown to the left away from Master Koon. He hit the ground outside the Temple with a crack. His right side was throbbing in pain as the Corrie descended upon him with a fury.

He punched the sensitive right side without care for the damage dealt. His face was a snarl as he violently headbutted Wolffe when he tried to sit up and fight back. After some trouble, Wolffe finally got the upper hand. He flipped them over and returned the vicious headbutt to the Corrie, but the other man didn't seem to care that his nose was now bleeding.

"That all you got, you bitch? I've fought stronger assholes than you!"

His voice was nasally from the bleeding nose, but the snarl was still there as the Corrie expertly blocked or parried strikes. He took a few, but like before, he didn't seem to care that Wolffe was beating the shit out of him. Until the tables turned and the Corrie flipped them again, away from the steps and began to punch at the Wolfpack Commander. This continued until eventually the Corrie was pulled off Wolffe after flipping two more times. Wolffe was bleeding from his own nose and the Corrie had a black eye on top of his own bloody nose.

They both had bruises and small cuts lining their faces as they snarled at each other. The Corrie was being held back by a larger Corrie. Wolffe was kept back by Sinker and Boost. The bigger clone was in full armor, helmet and blaster too. He was holding the smaller Corrie around his waist and allowing him to wiggle about.

He was shouting insults and curses left and right, not caring that he was doing this in front of several generals including Shaak-Ti, Plo Koon, and Obi-wan Kenobi. The Generals looked heartbroken and confused at the hatred in the smaller Corrie's eyes. Shocked too, that the other Corries weren't doing anything to really stop their brother from doing this. The larger one was just holding him.

"Talk shit about my Commander behind his back around me again, and I'll make you wish you were never decanted, you fucking prick! I'll beat you so senseless that Prime himself will climb out of Hell just to laugh at you! Don't you ever disrespect my family again! You hear me, you front line bastard!?"

The other Corries ran over to the one shouting and one of them finally put a stop to the cursing and venom. If only because some children were coming over to see what the noise was. The Corrie growled lowly and the larger one just sighed as he lifted the smaller into a more secure hold. The group soon left, all but one. He walked up to Master Koon.

"I won't apologize for my brother's actions or words, but I am sorry you and the other Jetii had to see that. It should have been dealt with in a more private way. I apologize."

The Corrie said and ran off. Tension in his shoulders signalling his obvious discomfort at having to be alone. Wolffe was still trying to calm down from the small fight. Still suffering from the shock at how brutal and vicious the other guy was. His anger cooled into something like awe and wonder at how strong the guy was in order to lift him up like that armor and all.

"Fuck me, I didn't even get his comm number!"

Wolffe finally groaned and Boost snorted. The tension fell away with the laughter and teasing.

~~

Gatz was still fumming when they arrived back to HQ. Bloody nose and black eye all but forgotten as he went straight to his Commander's office, poking his head in. Finding Fox half asleep in his chair, Gatz walked over and sat down on the old couch they had brought into the office. He sighed and texted Dogma that he was in Fox's office. Neither he nor Fox spoke, mostly because Fox could already see and put together what had happened.

"Who?"

The older clone asked and Gatz just huffed quietly.

"Fuckin Wolffe. Bitching about you not being there for the End of the War Drunk fest. Talking about how you had a stick up your ass and how you should really stop being so cold and strict. Really, you'd think by now they'd learn to keep their damn mouths shut!"

Gatz vented and Fox just sighed softly. Nothing pissed the Corrie ARC off more than any form of disrespect towards the Guard. He had nearly been decommed for it. Had been reconned for it twice but the memories always came back after getting a look around HQ. No one really understood how, but they didn't question it. Not wanting it to stop working and risk losing Gatz forever.

The ARC was one of the few really old Corries. That list had grown so short only five people were still on it. Fox, Thorn, Chalk, Thire, and a medic named Word. The only medic the Guard officially claimed due to more and more restrictions and thinly vailed threats to transfer. But now they barely had to worry about it with Chancellor Bail Organa put forth reforms to help with their struggles.

Ritz had to drag Stitches away from the medbay to rest after he had ordered every Guard in for a thorough check up. Having gotten a fully restocked medical bay after three full years. Never had Fox seen the medic so close to his old self. The first CMO of the 501st. Before Kix. But that was the closest they would ever get to seeing the veteran medic. Stress had a way of bringing the darker half of the medic out, and not in a pleasant way.

Dogma entered the room with a scowl that matched his buir's own fierce one. Fox snorted as Gatz flushed in embarrassment.

"The medbay should have been your first destination. Why did Chalk enter the bay alone if you had injuries?"

Dogma growled and Gatz flushed more as he scratched the back of his neck.

"Not used to having a full stocked medbay yet. Was really just given you a heads up since I did remember that the Doc was getting some rest."

Gatz sat still as Dogma healed his wounds. Fox just sighed at the other clone's antics to get the medic's attention. Though the injuries weren't really a part of Gatz' obvious plan to win over the other. He did try to keep his wounds to a minimum. But his temper was a short fused one. Easily triggered. Dogma still helped even when it looked like he wanted to throttle the ARC.

While the rest of the treatment was done in silence, the ARC was quietly watching the medic with this love struck expression. Dogma finished working on his broken nose and Gatz hissed at his poking at the black eye.

"Try to keep out of trouble for a while, Gatz. I don't think Buir would be happy that his new supplies have mostly been used on you."

Gatz nodded and the room lapsed into silence again. But it was broken by a soft snore, pulling both of their attentions over to Fox who looked to have fallen asleep. They smiled, leaving the room quietly after covering the Commander in a blanket.

Gatz parted ways with Dogma along the way to the medbay and then the barracks where he flopped down on his bunk. He grinned and closed his eyes, planning on just going crazy against the GAR the next time they talked shit about his family.

Gatz knew that it would be fun to put them to rights the rough way.

[donnapalude]

What I really can't wait to see in season 2 is how they will handle the dynamic between Louis and Claudia after they kill Lestat.

Right now they are both using him as a recipient and scapegoat for all their tensions and frustrations. Disclaimer: I of course think he has behaved horribly and deserves everything that they will throw at him. However, looking at Louis and Claudia's personalities and interactions, I find it interesting that - in their obvious love for each other - in a twisted way they still need Lestat to function together.

When Claudia first realizes the actual consequences of her vampirism, she gets mad at both Louis and Lestat. She later forgives Louis because she deems him more deserving of her love. But I think the reason she is able to do that is also that she has a place where to put all her hate and anger cleanly and without remorse: Lestat.

Louis, on the other hand, hates himself terribly and always has. I am not saying that Lestat's recent actions didn't contribute to his unhappiness, but it's pretty clear that he has been inching towards depression and suicidal thoughts since before his turning. The only way he has found for dealing with his current brand of self-hatred without consuming himself completely is to turn almost every negative thing he feels about himself onto Lestat. Everything ugly and twisted and wrong in his life becomes Lestat's fault. The more he hates himself, the more resentful and violent he becomes towards Lestat. I am not surprised that the writers decided to place Louis' decision to kill Lestat at the end of his depressive spiral. Of course in part he is killing him to actually get rid of him. But I think it's pretty clear that subconsciounsly he is also hoping to kill the part of himself he hates.

Moreover, both of Louis and Claudia feel a sense of anger and despair at being so lost in the world and so alone, so isolated. Their humanness stripped away and no one of their kind to understand, apart from Lestat. He is their maker and this makes him almost a stand-in parent figure in context. Both Louis and Claudia are in the youth of their vampiric lives. And when we are young and facing the world for the first time and finding ourselves unprepared, what do we do but blame our parents? We blame them for their failures - that's true - but also for not being able to be the omniscient, omnipotent force we once believed. We blame them for the shattering of every illusion of safety we ever felt.

Just to clarify again, I fully believe that a lot of the blame Lestat is shouldering is deserved and stems from his own actions. But precisely for this reason, he has also become a very easy way for Louis and Claudia to not confront each other and themselves.

So, where will this leave Louis and Claudia when they are alone? When they have no one to blame anymore for every single thing that goes wrong in the world and between the two of them? I am super excited to find out.

[space-blue]

Hi! I like your Arcane anaylses :) I wanted to ask for your opinion on why Sevika is celebrated and Marcus gets shamed? I mean, they basically did the same thing. Both betrayed their "friend(s)" - Vander and Grayson - for their personal beliefs.

Heya Anon, thanks, I'm glad you enjoy my meta! Hope you enjoy me disagreeing with your premise x'D

Sevika and Marcus have nothing in common imo. At no point in the show is it established that Sevika and Vander are friends. There are no outward signs of friendship. The person standing next to Vander and joking with Vander, and left in charge in episode 2 is Benzo.

We meet Sevika in a confrontational scene where she's against Vander. Vander doesn't meet her or anyone else's needs in that scene. He puts them all down and enforces, as he's been doing for years, The Status Quo. He doesn't listen, he's doing this meeting to reinforce that nothing should be done and enforcers left alone. Vander is ruling. He's the leader of the Lanes.

Sevika and Vander in that moment have conflicting interests. Sevika wants change. Sevika wants to lash back while Vander wants everyone to stay under the heel of Piltover, hoping that if they don't fight back the boot won't squeeze.

You can't blame Sevika for thinking that's crappy. She's making a life choice informed by her analysis of the situation. We don't know when she made her decision either, or for how long she's been hostile to Vander.

I'd argue too that there's a strong argument that Silco already has Sevika as an ally at that time :

He's famously untrusting.

The chemist I nicknamed Syd is at Vander's place riling people up with Sevika, and next scene he's manufacturing Shimmer for Silco, which can't be an easy process.

Silco has people spying on Vander AND his kids.

I think this telegraphs that Sevika has potentially been on his side for a while and was at the Last Drop to undermine Vander.

That's rough life politics. What can you do? You can't blame Sevika for having dreams of her own and seeing Vander as a massive obstacle on the way. Again, she's never shown to be one of his cronies and we have no clue about the nature of their relationship besides the fact she used to respect him. But we know so did Silco, and Vander has changed a lot.

On the other hand, Marcus has a very bad start…

He's an enforcer with a chip on his shoulder. I made this post theorising as to why… And it's whack and may be totally wrong, but it's clear Marcus is shown as going above and beyond in his hate of "trenchers". He uses slurs, is violent towards even children, and is happy to take bribes and underhanded deals in his goal of dragging said trenchers to jail.

He's also a doofus who doesn't realise what he's getting into. Blinded by his hatred and wading into dangerous waters. He's not smart enough to come on top and ends up being a tool.

Also… he's a COP. He's part of a system. He has a boss who he's NOT friend's with as far as we see, but he's her explicit subordinate and gets thrown around the office after disobeying her.

He put Grayson in a bad spot and led her to her death, failing his entire organisation by then not coming clean. He keeps dirty secrets that weigh him down, while Sevika is shown to be blunt and entirely truthful to Vi, Jinx, and even Silco.

He goes behind people's back, and sure, Sevika goes behind Vander's too. But Marcus is paid in literal blood money and never comes clean. Sevika is fine being open with her allegiences once shit hits the fan, and she's there for ideology, not self interest.

We don't know the details of Sevika's dream, but we know she keeps Silco on his toes. Silco's dream is the Nation of Zaun. Independance. Not the erradication of Piltovans.

Meanwhile Marcus just wants to throw children in jail, and DOES, again behind everyone's back.

Sevika is a bull. Marcus is a snake.

Sevika is making life choices and chosing who will serve her interests. She chose the anti hero who wants freedom for her oppressed people. Marcus is THE OPPRESSOR and a shitty one to boot who disobeys the very order he serves.

Funniest of all, I don't think Marcus was betraying Grayson. Her death was not part of "the deal". That asshole truly just wanted to arrest a kid and glean the recompense of a job well done. But there's no hint that he was trying to unseat Grayson.

In a way he's just as zealous as Sevika. He follows his hate and prejudices and she follows her principles. She doesn't mind bashing her own people to get to her goals, but Vander is literally doing Grayson's job for her. He's a freelancing cop and an enemy of any Zaunites dreaming of independence.

Vander has a stance, and Sevika has the opposite one.

The only person who perceives betrayal is Vi. But Vi is a child and doesn't understand politics at all. She's completely blinded by her love for Vander and her mindset of 'everybody is my enemy'. If she slowed down a bit, she might notice she and Silco want the exact same thing. Literally. A better world for Powder, and everyone like her. Vi is poisoned against Silco by Silco and Vander's fateful clash. It's perfectly understandable! I don't think it'd be easy to have her not be rightfully prejudiced against Silco.

But she IS our eyes for a lot of the story. We perceive Vander a lot through her extremely rose tinted view.

Sevika probably doesn't couch her own siding with Silco as a betrayal…

That being said, we don't know their backstory. Maybe Sevika was friends with Vander when they were younger? We have a picture of young Silco at the bar with Vander… did she know them both? Because then we can do anything you want.

My favourite take being that she took Silco's side after Vander's betrayal, but stayed out and public and was careful not be 'seen' with Silco. She's a true believer. I think if she had hesitations, learning Vander was sucking Grayson's toes most likely fully turned her away. That's just my prefered fanon, but if you have a fanon theory of her being Vander's friend, of course it'd colour your view. I just don't think the canon reactions of both characters really compare.

[misrepresentedmorallygrey]

PROPAGANDA

Rose Quartz Propaganda

"We saw her character arc in reverse!! We first saw all the good she did and then learned of her terrible actions in the past. If her story was told the other way around, it would have been a great redemption arc. Yes, she did some terrible things, but she had no choice. She did everything she could to stop the colonization of earth peacefully buy nothing worked. Blue and yellow diamond just didn't listen to her and when they did, THEY were the ones who made the zoo and shit. Rose wanted to free them but couldn't get to them after the war! And with the corruption, there's no way she could have known that'd happen. There's so many things she wanted to do but just couldn't. And with spinel, yes it was shitty to leave her alone for so long, but again, between running her court, running the rebellion, dealing with earth, she likely wasn't a very high priority and like with the zoo, there was no way to get to her after the war since the galaxy warp was destroyed. And don't forget, she was practically a child around this time. You're saying you didn't do any stupid, selfish, or harmful things as a kid? She learned from her experiences and grew, we just saw that growth in reverse, leaving us as viewers with a poor perception of her."

"Rose Quartz is Steven Universe’s dead mom. Initially, she’s set up as sort of an ethereal perfect figure who everyone misses and compares him to. Later we get to see more of her backstory and discover that she’s actually like, a person, with flaws, who has done some bad things, but she did those bad things largely in the course of trying to escape an abusive home life and save the people and planet that she fell in love with. It’s very clear that despite her flaws she was trying to do the right thing and that she deeply cared about others. Unfortunately, a woman who was not a Perfect Martyr was way too much for the Steven Universe fandom to handle. She pretty much set off the wave of SU crit blogs because these people were furious either that she had taken violent measures to solve her problems, that she hadn’t taken violent enough measures to solve her problems, or both somehow. Lots of “Why didn’t she just murder her abusive parental figures?” Lots of “She was evil for having a baby even though she knew she’d die in childbirth!” Lots of “She should’ve been able to protect everyone from a magic nuclear weapon with the power of love somehow.” Lots of “She shouldn’t have rebelled (even though not rebelling would’ve meant the destruction of Earth) because her abusers retaliated and that’s her fault.” LOTS of people drawing her as stick thin even though she was fat in the show. People treated her like she was on the same level or even worse than her abusive parental figures who were also the main villains of the show. It was unbearable to witness."

Katara Propaganda

"She's smart. She's powerful. She an eco-terrorist. She's got the ability to grow as a person. She's a victim of misogynistic fans who codify her as an annoying bitch (sadly not affectionate) cause she's the "mom character." And that's all she will ever be is "The mom character." She bested Azula and could blood bend your ass but won't cause she's chosen not to be a monster! But she's the annoying mom instead."

"if i have to hear ONE MORE *touches necklace* joke i’m gonna mcfreaking lose it"

"despite being one of the most well-written feminist characters of children’s TV, the fandom decides to define her based on her very realistic 14-year-old girl flaws. Ignoring her complex independent arcs and motivations, people love justifying their hatred towards her based on her one line directed at Sokka that he didn’t love his mother as much as she did. Which, if we’re being nitpicky, isn’t so harsh given that it was Katara who shouldered most of the burden of her death, as well as Sokka’s admittance that he doesn’t even remember his mother. Not to mention that ALL the characters make selfish mistakes given the fact that they’re all aged 12-15??? (Aang hiding Katara and Sokka’s father’s letter, anyone???) She really is an elegant breakthrough of the typical female character molds of “girl who is badass” and “girl with a crush on the mc who sits on the sidelines” and it’s so frustrating to see her get the most hate out of the Gaang"

Mabel Pines Propaganda

"[insert "i am 12 years old" comic]"

"You probably already know about this but back when the series was airing people were really pissed at Mabel because she was supposedly selfish. Yeah ok guys asking for a fucking megaphone to help a merman find his family was TOTALLY unreasonable. Dipper giving up one (1) "date" with a girl way older than him to save Mabel's pet was SO not worth it. (This is sarcasm btw. Side note a lot of these have to do with Dipper's crush on Wendy which is a whole other discussion.) And then there's the big one. Mabel causing Weirdmageddon. What people fail to realize with this is that 1) she was extremely stressed when she handed Bill the rift 2) she was tricked by Bill, a being that is A MASTER AT TRICKING PEOPLE, into thinking that she was being handed a magic solution to what felt like the end of the world to her, and 3) she was TWELVE. Not to pull out the "she is literally neurodivergent and a minor" card but do you really expect a 12 year old who's just been told that she's gonna have to face a big and difficult transition WITHOUT her brother who's been there for her all her life to make a rational decision? Y'all seriously fell for Bill's empty words in Sock Opera. Absolute bufoons. You would not survive Weirdmageddon."

"Oh wow, a preteen girl under extreme distress acts like a preteen girl under extreme distress. Whoda thunk?"

[notenderhands]

how does Lleu think Medraut views him? His brother punches him, poisons him, cuts him, tells him how much he hates him and wished he had died at birth...Lleu is always scared Medraut will cheat on him with someone else and does over the top violent things to prevent that from happening. That sounds like Lleu thinks Medraut only feels lust towards him but not love. I think Medraut never said "I love you" either and he mentioned how the usual tenderness between lovers is missing between them. Medraut doesn't wear his heart at his sleeve, does Lleu still believe in his love for him when all the evidence points toward the opposite? Has he stopped himself from mulling over it? What restores his faith in Medraut every time something bad happens?

I don't think it is something Lleu himself thinks about that often but if I were to crack open his psyche it would reveal an insecure, jealous, but horribly wronged child. Lleu doesn't think Medraut loves him or cares for him the way Lleu does. Lleu is obsessed with Medraut. He wants his attention all the time. Lleu reacts in the moment, most of the time. If Medraut isn't giving him the attention he wants, he'll do whatever he has to to get Medraut back to paying attention to him. That includes poisoning himself, poisoning Medraut, getting violent with Medraut or insulting him. Their relationship started with violence and that is how Lleu understands it. Violence is a part of how they communicate. Medraut is hitting Lleu or Lleu is hitting him or slicing open his scars but at least they are close to one another.

But Lleu also isn't a sick, weak child anymore. He isn't going to let Medraut push him around or hurt him without knowing that he will deal Medraut double whatever he gave to Lleu. Lleu antagonizes Medraut so he will hit him or hurt him so Lleu can hit him harder, hurt him more. Everything Medraut does to Lleu, Lleu will do worse to him.

Despite all that, Lleu doesn't want to be alone. He does worry that he'll take up with Morgause again, and that's confirmed (in Lleu's mind) when Medraut returns and wants nothing to do with him. He has to antagonize Medraut and let him enact violence on Lleu to get him back in his bed. (But even then, Lleu will still come back and hurt Medraut for it). I don't think Lleu knows the difference between Medraut's love and lust for him. Just like he doesn't know the difference between his love and his hatred.

But Lleu and Medraut do have some sweet, almost tender moments. Medraut stays with him and doesn't leave right away. Medraut gives Lleu his attention, his love. Lleu can reciprocate. These moments assuage the jealousy and the mistrust. However, Lleu is still that child deep down. He is easily angered and violent. He is jealous and possessive and his lack of trust in Medraut exacerbates his worse qualities.

[yuriko-mukami]

His Possession Ecstasy 10

Beta reader: @ruki-mukami-dl

Yuriko stared at the man who was approaching Ruki and her. But even more than his looks, there was something else giving out to him. His scent. It lingered in the air, bringing tears to Yuriko’s eyes and squeezing her throat. This tall and muscular man… this man…

"Yuuto…" Yuriko managed to push out a whisper.

"I thought so. His scent is similar to yours."

"And you reek like a fuckin' bloodsucker." Yuuto’s voice grumbled. He clenched his fists and walked forward, not minding Ruki’s warning.

Yuriko put her hand on Ruki’s arm. "Umh… Yes, Ruki is a Vampire, but he helped me to get to you. Now we can all leave together."

Yuuto should have known all this since Yuriko had mentioned Ruki before. But of course, he didn’t like Vampires, that much Yuriko had already learned. The inevitable truth still was that Yuriko had needed Ruki to get to the point where she was now, and she wasn’t going to give up on him. 

“Can we be sure he is who you think he is?” Ruki moved his arm a little, preventing Yuriko from moving. “I can smell him, but have you actually ever seen him like this?”

“I hav–”

“How dare you? Just let my sister go this instant!” There was something violent in Yuuto’s eyes, almost desperate. Yuriko couldn’t help but wonder where all this hatred came from. While it was true that the Vampires might have hunted the Kitsune, Ruki had supported Yuriko all the way here. They had had some struggles but, in the end, Ruki’s intentions had been nothing but good, right? His ways simple were sometimes… a bit questionable.

Yuriko shifted. It was better to try to prove that everything was okay. “Yuuto… umh… What’s the name of our father?”

“What the hell? Tsukino Keisuke, obviously.”

A relief wiped over Yuriko. Since their father was a human, these Kitsune weren’t supposed to know him but of course, Yuuto would remember the name, for he had lived with the man for almost five years before he had been kidnapped here. “It really is you then. Listen, Yuuto, you can trust Ruki. I believe in him with all my heart. There is no reason to wor–”

“Didcha leave the gate open? We should hurry. I don’t wanna have problems here…” Yuuto stepped closer, still glaring at Ruki.

“Yes… It’s open. Let’s go then…” Yuriko swayed her hand towards the gate. She could still see the cloudy day on the other side of it. And if she was completely honest, she had no idea how the gate could be closed. But it didn’t matter now, for they only needed to go through it and leave this place. Then Yuuto would be where he should be.

But… then the thought hit Yuriko. Mother wasn’t with Yuuto. She peeked behind her brother but there was no one. “Yuuto… Mom…”

Yuuto stiffened. “Later.”

“But… we can’t leave her.”

“Trust me in this. I’ll explain eve- the plan later.” Yuuto’s face turned to stone, unyielding, and closed, making Yuriko sigh.

Ruki took Yuriko’s hand, squeezing it a little. “We should save this discussion for later. Let us go.”

“For once I agree with the bloodsucker.” Yuuto stepped toward the gate. “We’re gonna talk when we’re out… and I deal with the Vampire then. Now, we gotta get out.”

“There is no need for that. Your sister is safe with me.” Yuriko could hear how Ruki did his best to keep his voice composed, yet there was a rough edge in it.

“I decide for that.”

“Oh, please, stop it!” Yuriko hurried toward the gate. She could smell how agitated Ruki was, probably not liking her telling him what to do, but either way, he followed.

Stepping through again, Yuriko pulled Ruki back to the Human World, and turned around, looking at Yuuto. He inhaled deeply before taking the last step to his freedom.

A low growl cut through the air. Yuuto bent, holding his stomach, and whimpered. He tried to walk forward, yet ended up swaying. Without further thought, Yuriko let go of Ruki and darted back. She reached for Yuuto’s hand, grabbing it with both of hers and starting to tug him out of the realm of the Kitsune. “Please, just walk… Ruki got through when he held my hand…”

But not even with Ruki pulling Yuriko while she tried to pull Yuuto helped. Yuuto simply couldn’t get through the gate.

“Fuck! I don’t get it!” Yuuto held his head and rubbed his temples out of breath. “I thought it would have worked if you just opened the gate for me…”

“I would say there is some kind of magic holding you back.” Ruki frowned, suddenly curling his nose.

Every hair in Yuriko’s body raised up when she smelled what Ruki was probably smelling too. The scent of the Kitsune had grown much stronger. As she turned her head and peeked behind Yuuto, she saw three men roaming toward them.

“It’s Yuuto!”

“And a strange vixen!”

“And a fucking bloodsucker!”

“Take him back and burn the bloodsucker!”

Yuriko blinked as the strangers hurried closer. She felt how Ruki was reaching for her arm but in the very same moment, she darted back through the gate, placing herself in between the foreign foxes and her brother. “No way! I won’t let you take Yuuto or hurt Ruki!”

“Yuriko…” 

She could barely hear Ruki’s groan. Instead, she lifted her hand. Her gaze blurred while blue flames burst out, flying toward the foxes.

“Yuriko, get back here!” Ruki’s voice sounded like it was coming from the distance. Yuriko glanced back, noticing that Ruki was on the other side of the gate, trying to push past what looked like thin air but apparently formed a barrier for him again.

“No way in hell, you’re gonna fight for me…” Yuuto straightened up as if there hadn’t been anything wrong with him. He grabbed Yuriko’s arm, shoving her behind him. “Enough of this. Just put out that fire…” Yuuto lowered his voice. “It can’t burn them. I’m gonna attack them, you should get out.”

“Not without you!”

“Listen to him, Yuriko.” Ruki was still fighting against the gate. “Fuck!”

As the Kitsune crept closer, Yuriko tried to keep her mind occupied to calm down her fire. Their dijon-shaded hair was nothing like Yuuto or Yuriko’s, reminding her more of regular foxes than the siblings’ white-furred canine forms. The common trait seemed to be amber-yellow eyes, the one which Yuriko still couldn’t make appear at will… and now it seemed that her flames were out of her control too.

Yuuto darted forward, knocking down the first Kitsune. As Yuriko shrieked, the others attacked Yuuto as well. There was no way he could fight all of them alone. Shifting back and forth, not realizing what Ruki was saying anymore, she stared at the swaying fists and kicking legs.

“NO!” The fire shot out of Yuriko’s hands, circling the Kitsune. The fight broke for a moment with surprised yelps, and Yuuto managed to punch one of them down. Yuriko jumped on the back of another and pulled his hair as hard as she could. The Kitsune yelled, trying to shake her off but she kept screaming and plucking while Yuuto wrestled with the last Kitsune.

Yuriko wrapped her legs around the Kitsune’s waist and hung from his hair with all her weight which wasn’t much but still enough to keep the man occupied. Suddenly she heard a stomp and next, she realized that Yuuto was on the Kitsune’s throat. Her hands gave up and she fell on her back on the ground, shaking and out of breath.

“Fuck! Yuriko!” When Yuriko heard Ruki’s cries, she turned her head, gaze hazy. Yet she saw him, hitting the air with a fist, fangs bared. She pushed her glasses on her forehead to see him better and tried to crawl up. And then she noticed it: a hooded man with a dagger! No, at least three of them.

“Ruki, look out! Behind you!”

Ruki took a sudden turn, pulling out a knife and meeting the attacker with it. Yuriko shrieked again, pressing her hands on the ground and pushing herself onto her shaky legs. A Kitsune hit the floor of the forest right next to her.

“Yuuto! We must help, Ruki!”

“I can’t get past the gate for some fuckin’ reason! It’s like my body refused to move…” Yuuto stared Yuriko directly in the eyes. “Shit! I’m sorry to get you into this mess! Go! Burn those men!”

“But you said the fire…”

“They ain’t Kitsune!”

That was all Yuriko needed. She rushed towards the gate and was about to step out when a new voice broke into her ears and made her stop. “Yuuto, I forbid you from leaving.”

Yuriko glanced back, noticing a new Kitsune, an older man with a tight expression. He was holding something in his hand and it shined light between his fingers. When their gazes met, the man gasped. “Hi-Hisoka!”

Mother! 

The words glued Yuriko to the spot where she was standing. “Where is she? Where is Mom?”

“You are not… Of course, you aren’t! You’re her daughter, you have come to save us! Yuuto, grab her!”

“No way in hell I’m gonna —”

“You are to grab her. I command you!” the man yelled, squeezing his fist tighter. As a tiny light sparkled between the man’s fingers, Yuuto bent down, holding his chest, and growled as if he had fought against pain. “NOW!”

“FUCK!” Yuuto almost jumped at Yuriko, snatching her into his embrace and holding her in place. Yuriko squirmed but couldn’t release herself… and while fighting her gaze traveled to the other side of the gate, witnessing another fight… which Ruki was losing against three men. A fourth one moved behind them, approaching the gate.

“I ask you to let my son go for I have delivered you something more valuable.” Keisuke’s voice sailed into the Demon World through the gate. “You can do whatever you wish with my daughter, with Hisoka’s daughter.”

Ruki groaned and shoved a hooded man to the ground. He hit Keisuke with the blunt end of his knife to the temple, making the man drop down immediately. But because of that, one of the hooded guys was able to hit Ruki down too.

Crying, Yuriko meandered in Yuuto’s grasp, trying to get to Ruki but Yuuto didn’t let her go no matter how much she pleaded.

“What a mess…” The older Kitsune sighed, roaming closer. 

“You freakin’ jerk!” Yuuto clenched Yuriko as she fought back. “Let my sister go!”

“No.” The man’s voice was quiet and calm. “Now she can replace your mother. Finally, we have a daughter to marry someone and secure our position.”

“I need to get to Ruki!” Yuriko kicked Yuuto but he didn’t flinch. She saw that there was someone approaching again, a tall figure. But instead of attacking Ruki, the man hit one of the hooded ones. There was a nasty crack when his fist met the man’s head.

“Take her into the village, Yuuto!” the Kitsune man commanded.

Cursing, Yuuto started to drag Yuriko further away from the gate while the Kitsune man followed.

[mr-orion]

I think a lot of the trans community and lgbtq+ community is misogynistic. And while we can all point out the way it is misogynistic towards the women, we never point out how it is misogynistic towards the men.

I'd like to add that misandry is an incorrect interpretation of these things. To say that I am experiencing "misandry" would be a bad faith argument and show that I do not know what misogyny is. It would show that I do not know how misogyny can benefit women while hurting men. Misogyny is the oppressor of all, while misandry is an unlayered concept meant to divide the oppressed.

Here's just a list of misogynistic things that trans men deal with in the (lack of) community:

Hatred towards masculinity. Exclusion. Only femininity can be good because women are inherently less violent and don't hurt people. Expression of masculinity means you cannot be trusted.

Lack of respect towards feminine men. Femininity is bad, and men should be ashamed to love feminine things. You cannot be both at once.

Lots of berating. Men deserve to and can handle abuse because they are strong.

Criticisms of other trans individuals, primarily women, are seen as misogynistic. Can also go for other trans men.

POC Men being excluded from conversations of gender dysphoria repetitively because they are seen as "more passing." Not only misogynistic, racially motivated.

POC Men being seen as toxicly masculine because they have adopted neutral behaviors of their communities or race. Once again, racist and misogynistic.

POC Men percieved as feminine or non-passing despite culturally transitioning to being masculine and being seen as masculine in their culture.

POC Men seen and treated as dainty and feminine despite developing many traits that are very masculine.

Not being taken seriously because we do not voice our own abuse nor do other trans individuals advocate or believe us.

The uwu-fication of men because we are seen as the "softer" version of cis men.

Mens surgically created genitals being described as weird looking and disgusting.

Lack of knowledge on what a hysterectomy actually does for a person during sexual intimacy.

Assumption that men are inherently overly sexual because they are men or not sexual at all because they are afab. They have no agency in their sexuality because gender directly decides a persons wants.

Preferential treatment to desireable looking men. Reinforces that appearance directly decides the amount of respect you give a person.

Men advocate repeatedly for womens struggles but are ignored because they are now men.

Advocating for mens struggles is treated as feminine struggles erasure.

Intersex trans men being incorrectly categorized against their wishes.

Assumption that a cis or unknown man must be trans because he is slim and sexual. Additionally, the assumption that a fat asexual man must be trans. A direct play into desireability and almost fetishization. Seriously, how often do you see the jock type of character headcannoned as trans with people being receptive to it? It's almost to indirectly say that only "undesirable" men can be trans. This is not a call to remove those types of people from trans representation but to instead add more types and address your biases.

Assumption that men want to neg their female bodies. It's expected that men hate their bodies because they're feminine looking.

The expectation that men should participate in misogyny because they are men.

There's a lot of trans masc erasure. People care a lot about trans women because they take the brunt of bigotry, it's expected. Women deserve to be listened to. Despite that, though, it's almost as if trans men are expected to be okay with suffering. Heck, if I didn't acknowledge trans women in my post and this hit a wide enough audience, a large amount of trans people wouldn't listen and assume I'm fighting trans women. There's this weird expectation where if I ever say anything about being miserable as a trans man, that means I don't think trans women have it worse or bad at all.

Many people assume that when trans mascs point at themselves, we want to take from women. No. We just want you to also pay attention to us.

[whumpinggrounds]

Hi, I just came across your post about representing disability respectfully and this is actually something that I have been worrying about not doing, I'm interested to hear your view.

Recently I came up with an idea, to indulge a bad end of one of my video game fandoms. I am exploring how the antagonist was affected by trauma while also let himself corrupt with vengeance. I really want to avoid implying this character becomes a villain because he is psychotic, or that trauma makes you violent, or that his sadism somehow is a required package deal with all of this. So far it all just blurs together though. I think those traits suit and explain his character, and admittedly the story is unapologetically self-indulgent as well and not meant as a moral guide.

To summarize, he was trapped for decades by 2 brothers that plagued his home, then he is trapped again by someone who pretended they were going to free him. This all results in him becoming distrustful, paranoid, impulsive, and anguished from grief and isolation. He suffers from nightmares and frequently loses touch with reality, going through late onset schizophrenia. He does not receive proper care, even when he is eventually rescued and able to return home. Rather quickly, integrating back into society becomes a massive obstacle. His quaint people do not know how to deal with his violent outbursts and psychotic episodes, they think he is dangerous and unwell, and decide to banish him. Being rejected from the place he'd longed to be back at for so long completely shatters him and he is overtaken by nothing but hatred and brutality. His sadism does become amplified from feeling powerless and mistreated.

He reunites with his rescuer, a sapient hybrid creature, who becomes his property, corrupted companion in crime, lover, in some scattered order. It can read him quite well, understand how his brain works, adapt and endure. It gently recognizes the many ways in which he is broken and divergent. But nonetheless I'd really like to explore his heinous, abusive, bloodthirsty desires and actions in full glory. I do plan on them eventually bonding enough where they can be vulnerable with each other, and find ways to heal and engage in the darker desires consensually.

For added context I am neurodivergent myself so innately lean to writing that type of character, and I also gravitate towards extremely dark fantasies pretty much exclusively.

Hi! Sorry for the late response -

This does sound like a story with dark themes, and it's perfectly okay to write a story with dark themes about a disabled character. You seem aware of some of the bad directions this could take - the message that trauma and mental illness make a person evil/violent/dangerous is a pretty unfortunate implication.

The truth is that everyone experiences mental illness and neurodivergence differently. Everyone responds to trauma differently. Some of these ways can be maladaptive, and it's okay to write about that! The main things to be careful of are absolutes - all people with x symptoms would react this way - and causality - he experienced y, so of course he's going to respond this way. I think it's important to emphasize your character's individuality here, and to talk about how who he is interacts with his environment to create his behavior.

This is pretty basic advice, so feel free to check in if you have more to talk about. Happy writing!

[mama-qwerty]

After Treatments

From my (hopefully) upcoming Shadow story. His regular treatments are painful, and leave him in a nasty mood.

~~~~~

Shadow paced around the room, growling and clenching his hands into fists. His lip curled to reveal long, sharp fangs, muzzle wrinkled in a snarl.

Maria sat in the middle of the floor, cross-legged, her hands resting in her lap. Just watching him. He got like this after his treatments these days. When he was younger—well, littler anyway—he would want nothing more than to curl up in her lap and cry as she caressed his quills and sang to him.

But that had been a while ago. Now he dealt with the pain and discomfort with anger.

“Never again!” he snarled, pacing back and forth in front of her. “I will not do these treatments ever again!”

Maria said nothing. Just watched as he moved. Sometimes he would lower himself to stalk on all fours, growling and snapping all the while.

He turned to her, red eyes blazing with anger and pain. “Why don’t you stop them? Why do you let them do this to me??”

She didn’t respond.

He moved to stand in front of her, baring his teeth. “I hate you,” he hissed, hands curled into claws inches from her face. “I should rip you apart. I could do it. They say I’m stronger than most humans. Just rip you to shreds.” He moved his hands closer, the claws barely touching the delicate hairs on her cheeks. He growled. “You don’t love me. You don’t keep me safe. You let them hurt me, and for what? Nothing! I hate you and I don’t want you anymore! Go away!”

Maria locked eyes with him, but said nothing. After a moment he moved away, resuming his agitated pacing.

This scene was nothing new. The treatments he was forced to undergo every other week—to accelerate his growth and enhance his natural abilities—were painful. He hated them. She hated making him go. But, according to the scientists on the ARK, that was his purpose for being. And her purpose was to control him.

That’s why she sat still and quiet as he ranted. As he growled and threatened. As he paced and raged and expressed his hatred of everything. She didn’t blame him—his world was nothing but pain, trapped in this cold, steel cage.

The professor had heard him during one of these rage sessions. He’d asked her if she felt scared or unsafe with him. The truth was, she didn’t. Because no matter what he said, how much he threatened, he never laid a finger on her. He’d say some nasty things, sure. But deep down, she knew he didn’t really mean them. It was his way to deal with the pain.

Was it right? No. She supposed verbal abuse was still abuse. But she honestly didn’t see it that way. And besides, she could get pretty vocally violent too when in pain and under a lot of stress.

She was his safe place. The only person in his entire world whom he trusted more than anyone else. If he couldn’t sound off to her, he’d have to keep it bottled inside. Which wasn’t healthy.

The black hedgehog uttered a loud growl just then, and turned to face the wall. He lashed out, punching his fists against the hard metal, again and again, leaving dents wherever his knuckles landed. Each time a fist connected, he cried out, not in pain, but in anger.

The blows were loud in the small room, his cries echoing off the metal walls. Maria resisted the urge to cover her ears. It was as if someone were pounding a metal drum with a sledgehammer.

And then, finally, Shadow’s anger cooled. His punches slowed, until he leaned against the wall with open palms. Panting heavily, he dropped his head until it pressed against the dented metal before him.

Then his body crumpled, and he dropped to the floor. A soft whine squeezed through his throat, and the first sob followed.

It was over.

Well. Not quite.

Maria stayed where she was, watching her boy cry softly against the ruined wall. There was still one more part to this ritual.

After a few moments, the hedgehog lifted himself onto his hands and knees. He turned and crawled toward the girl on the floor in the middle of the room. She moved her hands from her lap, and he climbed into the space they vacated.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his head against her chest. He positioned his ear over her heart. “I’m sorry, Ria. I didn’t mean it. I’d never hurt you. I love you. Please don’t leave. Stay with me. Please. I’m sorry. It hurts and I’m scared and I hate this, I hate everything in this dark and cold and horrible place. But not you. I don’t hate you. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Thus ended another post-treatment rage session. Maria wrapped her arms around the boy in her lap, kissing the top of his head as he apologized and begged for forgiveness. Body moving unconsciously, she rocked him as her fingers moved through his quills. She shushed him and whispered soothing words into his ear, and he would nod occasionally, sniffing as fresh tears leaked from his eyes. He clutched tight handfuls of her shirt in his fists. His entire body trembled.

She blinked and tears ran down her cheeks. Four years. Four long years he’d been put through these treatments. The scientists theorized he was the equivalent of about a twelve year old now. How much longer were they planning on torturing him like this? How much longer was she going to let them?

~~~

Like this? Check out my other snippets. Reblogs are appreciated!

[the-somewhat-rambling-reviewer]

Planet of the Apes (1974), EP 8, The Deception

I don't think I've seen James Naughton in anything else, but from this episode, I wasn't impressed with his acting. But then, I wasn't impressed with almost any of the acting from anyone.

Despite being under prosthetics, Roddy McDowall did show nicely subtle acting, and I don't think I'd call Ron Harper's acting bad; I just found both Alan and Peter to be fairly meh characters. Maybe, I'll warm up to one or both of them during later episodes.

To both the show's credit and detriment, I did like a lot of what was done with Fauna, though, I wasn't impressed by most of Jane Actman's acting.

She did do okay with playing a blind character. She didn't overact that part, and she didn't make some of the mistakes many sighted performers doing when playing blind/visually-impaired characters.

Other than this, a lot of her characterisation and actions made sense. She was a young, empathetic woman with a love of knowledge and stories who lost her sight, lost a friend she harboured deeper feelings for when he ended the friendship due to her blindness, and then, her father was violently murdered.

Someone who reminded her of her ex-friend came along, and this young, hurt woman, who still insisted on remaining optimistic, fell for him.

I loved how multiple characters pointed out how fast this was, and at the end, even if she's more open to not all humans being bad, it's proven she wasn't in love, and she's rightfully lost almost, if not all, good feelings towards Peter.

The show itself handled having a blind character really well. No one pitied her or thought her incompetent, the other characters gave the help she did need without making a big deal out of it, and it was pointed out that, while possibly necessary for their goals, it wasn't good to use her blindness to their advantage in such a way.

However, the whole drama with her infatuation potentially had a really easy solution, and the characters not taking it can't really be excused by saying what a viewer might do isn't what a character would for [insert X reason].

Tell her that he was married to, engaged to, or dating another woman. This being the made in the 70s, I get that, 'Sorry, I'm gay,' was very likely not an option at all, but saying he had something with another female ape might have easily solved the problems.

The characters didn't like lying to her, but they had before. Galen would rather semi-badmouth his friend than say, 'Fauna, he has a girlfriend/fiancée/wife.'?

I'm not saying someone has to give a reason for rejecting someone, but if Peter wanted to firmly reject her without being unnecessarily cruel, instead of telling her a Bible story, and then, just bluntly announcing they'd never interact again, he could have said, 'Sorry, I'm already in a relationship.'

If your plot has a really easy solution that the characters likely would employ if not for the story, then, either give a good reason why they won't employ it, or change the plot.

The allegory for the KKK was somewhat interesting.

However, the uncle's heel-face-turn was too abrupt. He was set up to be this really duplicitous person, and then, he wasn't.

Don't get me wrong, I did like the fact he genuinely loves his niece, but for most of the episode, he was portrayed as an extremist. His niece is saved, and then, not only are the humans who deceived both him and her considered a-okay, but suddenly, he's talking about how all humans might not be bad.

Nothing was shown about any complicated feelings he might have regarding his brother's death earlier in the episode, and in fact, it was heavily implied several times he'd coldly murdered said brother before the reveal.

And finally, if a POC saved a KKK's leader's loved one, yeah, maybe, the leader might be genuinely thankful to the saviour. Maybe, this leader would reconsider their hatred and bigotry, and possibly, even become a champion for anti-racism.

But if a crowd of KKK members were standing around, even if they went, 'Alright, this one/these certain ones can peacefully leave, we genuinely won't do anything while they're walking away,' I really, really doubt they'd all take off their hoods and suddenly be open to peacefully co-existing with minorities.

I've noticed many people often shy away from the word 'cynical'. I've personally said more than once that, while I don't mind the term, I think of myself as a realist.

Maybe, I'm more cynical than realistic, but I do admit: I do like this ending much better than I would an ending where the apes were all, sure, they saved one of ours, but we're still gonna hate and hunt them and all others like them.

[oflgtfol]

anti-Anti Venom anon here again, I’m toiling w ideas now: you mentioned the symbiote always having sentience but the sentience being dormant or like the symbiote is unconscious, what if they’re just heavily sedated??? Every other host of the anti Venom symbiote is just told that they’re not sentient, so they don’t question it, they don’t reach out because they think they don’t need to? So the symbiote stays sleeping. But once a curious host TRIES to make contact and communicate, they wake up??

I MEAN the sedation to the point of being unconscious is kinda the whole deal with venom symbiote in venom 2011 though 😭 which i will forever be upset about

so this whole situation is complicated by the way anti-venom came about in canon. it’s introduced as being some sort of residue left behind by venom symbiote in its hosts even when no longer bonded. IN PARTICULAR, the original anti-venom host is eddie. it only “comes to life” after eddie is magically healed by that one guy

so anti-venom specifically comes about with eddie, who is at like his lowest point, having shunned venom and the venom symbiote. this anger towards venom symbiote is like, inherent to anti-venom, it's literally in the name, he is literally anti-venom. and of course it's a play on words because anti-venom has healing powers due to that magical guy, but still, like he is quite literally not only a narrative antithesis to venom, but he is also like super mad in an unhealthy way at venom

so in the framing of anti-venom where it’s another SYMBIOTE born out of venom symbiote’s ~residue~, then i can see why eddie, specifically, either wouldn’t REALIZE that the symbiote is sentient, or would be in such an angry fucked up state of mind where he didn't CARE. he’s so mad at venom symbiote that he hates all symbiotes and so he seizes control for himself, carries out yet another revenge quest, doesn't even spare a thought for even the potential that anti-venom is a symbiote with its own mind as well

but i’m really unhappy with this whole arc in the comics, i find eddie’s sudden tailspin towards hating venom really out of nowhere and out of character. don't get me wrong, the (haha) venomous hatred towards someone he feels victimized by is 100% in character, but compare this to the 80s and 90s comics where eddie and symby are AT THE VERY LEAST, IN THE MOST NO HOMO WAY EVER, best fucking friends forever, if not outright lovers, its just so.... strange to put it lightly. where did this hatred towards symby come from? all the comics that lead up to this change in dynamic only ever justify it by having the symbiote act out of character as well, as in, weirdly fucking demonic and abusive, when again that's not how it was in the original comics, and so i’m inclined to get to the root of the problem and just take everything derivative of the first majorly OOC comics with a grain of salt. and so i’m unhappy with the whole weird cancer arc, the whole weird violent breakup (theoretically i'm down for messy drama like that, but again the way it all went down all originated with an OOC mess so i cant bring myself to enthusiastically enjoy it), and ultimately anti-venom as well

SO BACK TO THE MAIN POINT OF THIS ASK: i can see why in this context eddie would treat anti-venom, as a symbiote, like this. but i hate the whole way that situation came about, so i dislike it, and i dislike anti-venom. so my ideal way to warp anti-venom into something that’s not just a cycle of abuse that never should have happened if the root comics hadn't gone off the rails, is to keep it as just this “residue” thing. like quite literally just residue. symby leaves its cells behind, enough to maybe mimic another symbiote, but they're just mindless cells. not an actual symbiote, because there's not enough cells to create a clone or offspring. just, mindless cells. like leaving a few strands of hair behind in a room - part of you, part of your appearance, but not like, anything resembling another person. but in doing so i think this would majorly nerf anti-venom, since it would have venom's powers but just severely weakened due to not being an actual symbiote of its own but just residual cells. unless i guess we go back to the magical healing guy and say that he granted these leftover cells with like extra power enough to make anti-venom as formidable as it is in canon. (but in canon this magical stuff also makes anti-venom's powers like, thematically opposite of venom's, so like, idfk. lmao)

and see it’s SO CLOSE to actually BEING that interpretation in canon. it’s just that they STILL DESCRIBE IT as another symbiote. which gives this “mindless leftovers” concept some really bad implications, ie the ones i complained about before! ALL they had to do was not describe it as another symbiote and the concept of anti-venom would be totally a-okay in my mind (or as a-okay as i could be given that it's derived from the whole cancer arc that i despise)

anyway this is all really long and barely related to your point in the end so TL;DR, the only way i can really see anti-venom, as an actual symbiote, being in some sort of unconscious state is because eddie specifically repressed it while he was doing all the rage revenge healing killing false prophet things. which is the only way i can make sense of canon but i dislike it because 1. i'm so sick of seeing symbiotes being mistreated goddamnit and 2. banks on this whole weird arc of eddie's that imo shouldn't have come about, at least not in the way it did in canon