#and as i am being pushed further into corporate life my entire soul is like clinging onto things that bring me joy

[sleepy-steve]

ok fine maybe i am returning to this place.

here’s some things i’m into these days:

- obey me

- bg3

- hq!! (still let’s be real)

- steddie (this one is new)

- totk

[le-lune]

One day, when your mind is a little clearer and you listen to what is in your heart more than the physical feelings happening in your body, the whispers of the strangers around you, or the mental jungle gym you refuse to climb down from..

Maybe you’ll realize all that you actually gave up.

That the cheap excitement and lust and temporary giddiness of feeling wanted by someone new - someone different - in the corporal world can be had with anyone. That sex and orgasms are a dime a dozen. That these fade with time and age. But that the intense connection that went further, the one that we had, was something spectacular and rare. That you had someone who loved the deepest parts of your soul, but who also loved and desired you fully - who wanted every square inch of your mind, body, and spirit. Who wanted to devour every ounce of both the bad and the good in you. You were my one and we were absolutely meant to last, you just stood in your own way. You had someone who waited for you to get it together for an entire decade, yet who still felt as deeply about you as day one, and you shut them out. I saw you at your worst and still saw you as the best.

So you can do whatever you think you need to do. You can give in to your body, your lust, and your fear. Give in to what is easy, accessible, and requires no work. You can lie to your mind that our time has passed and you can’t ever get back. You can distract yourself. You can do what you are doing right now where you stop checking on me, stop responding to me, forget I even existed. One day in the tangible future, I might not even exist and it will be simpler for everyone. But your heart never will truly forget, because I knew all its paths and cracks. I left my breadcrumbs down every road. No matter how much you tried to ignore it and push me away, I still started sparks every time I said your name, so I know the fires our passion and love could’ve kept igniting if you had let your heart give in.

I am still hurting, because to me you aren’t easily replaceable or even something to replace at all. You aren’t something I can bleed from my system in a week, let alone two months. I don’t give my body or my heart freely to any person willing to have it. I want it all to really mean something when I do. My heart isn’t like yours. It is unable to be anything but soft, full, raw and open. I can face the hard things because of it. But you have never had the guts for goodbye.. so instead you disappeared on me once again. You sprinkle small bits of hope that maybe you care enough to even just be a friend to me, so I finally relent, and then you steal it away instantly. Why the cruelty to someone whose only crime was loving you? I spent an entire decade of being by your side through every challenge, yet I wasn’t worth even a reply from you.. to a message you initiated three times. I didn’t believe it at first but when you sent me the third message, I let myself trust that you did really care to talk to me but then I just got another set of iron gates slammed in my face.

This time, I am going to accept that you moved on and fully let me go (or at least are dedicating yourself to that endeavor), and that I will probably never hear from you again. I will prepare my mind again that there is no chance of anything there, even friendship, and I will accept a lifetime of your absence. There is nothing easy about that. And yet, still, it doesn’t matter what happened between us.. I still hope one day you get all you wanted and all you deserve despite it. Because I love you, I care about you, and I want those things for you, as much as I wanted them to be with me. I laid my armor down for you and surrendered to my love for you.. I refused to run from you or cower out of fear, and so in that respect, I already won here. Experiencing our love once was already a gift from God that I didn’t deserve, and loving you still - alone - is a gift from God that lets me know that my heart is never capable of fully closing down. I will continue to hurt for a long time, but I will heal. I will never be the same, but God will carry me through and he has so much goodness in store for me with or without you by my side. And all the while, I will still pray every single night for your healing and your happiness and that you find new versions of the things that meant the most to you:

- A close, tight knit family you will instantly belong to. To celebrate holidays with, to laugh with, to feel at home within, to feel accepted and seen by. Family game nights and outings. Tiny nephews and nieces to play with, to inspire, to share your wisdom and magical moments with.

- A few dogs to become another fraction of your family, to curl themselves at the end of your bed and warm your feet, to put in silly costumes, to pose in your Christmas cards the way we constantly planned once we got dogs, to become your bestfriends, to live long lives by your side.

- A home you can call your own, with your own space and the real freedom to do anything you want with it. To not live by anyone else’s rules. To spread your limbs and feel fully comfortable in. To make both art and love in. Somewhere to decorate for the holidays and share kisses under the mistletoe, to hang photos of your trips abroad in the hallway. Somewhere to slow dance in the dark of the kitchen with your love, somewhere for them to hold you from behind while you wash the dishes together. Somewhere to laugh and slip and kiss in the shower together.

- Feet and a heart that are always sturdy and grounded, but have the ability to experience every adventure this life has to offer you. The ability to travel to all the places we planned, to truly live and take in all the beauty in the world.

- And the woman of your dreams. Who loves you without abandon, who will never make you guess if it was real. Who will always stand by your side, who will fill your life with passion and happiness, and a real thirst for life. Who will make you feel rooted, who will make every single holiday and event something truly special for you. Who will make you wake up every day with a grin and kiss you despite bad morning breath. Who will look at you like you are magic. Who would give anything to just see you smile and look into your eyes. Who will hold your hand through every fantastic adventure and terrifying difficulty. And whose wildly burning heart is only yours, forever.

[skriaki]

TOP 10 NINTENDO SWITCH GAMES 2019 - my arbitrary list!

Sometimes it's good to be proven wrong. I was pretty sceptical when the Switch was first announced, as it didn't seem too different from the Wii U's gamepad. Then I spent two years watching Nintendo enjoy a complete reversal of fortune, to the point of potentially amassing a more compelling library than Sony's or Microsoft's consoles. So that's how I quite suddenly found myself buying a Switch in October 2019, after having resisted the PS4 and Xbone for five whole years, and my free time has since been dominated by this little machine that defied the odds.

Some of Nintendo's business decisions can still seem inexplicable, but releasing a powerful handheld console that can also be docked with a TV at a moment's notice has proved to be an inspired idea, rather than the gimmick the Wii U's gamepad mostly turned out to be. And along with Nintendo's dependable series of top-notch exclusives, the Switch has enjoyed much better third-party support, which is how I ended up buying Dark Souls for the fourth bloody time just because the option to play it portably was too tempting to resist.

The Switch is the first console I've bought since the PS3 and for all Nintendo's quirks, there's a reason the Switch has dominated Christmas wishlists for three years running. Games like Super Mario Odyssey feel like full-size adventures that just happen to have a portable option, as opposed to handheld games you can also play on the big screen. This is the first year in a long while that I've actually played enough topical titles to justify a "games of the year" list, even if my recent Nintendo bias is pretty blatant.

So with that caveat in mind, and in no particular order, here's my entirely subjective list of the best Nintendo Switch games of 2019.

Luigi's Mansion 3

This is a franchise I'd always been curious about and can finally have an opinion on. The process of going from floor to floor of the hotel hoovering up ghosts and solving puzzles is pretty straightforward, but Luigi's Mansion 3 has so much polish and personality crammed into the cartridge. Luigi is immediately lovable as a determined coward, and each level has a wildly different theme that's realised with extravagant audio and visual flair, so progress always feels rewarding. Though this isn't true horror by any means, there can be an unsettling atmosphere and some of the bosses are pretty freaky. I officially love this oddball franchise and am desperate for a chance to play the story again in co-op. Unquestionably a first-class exclusive.

Doom (Switch port)

Not to be confused with the impressive Switch version of Doom 2016, this is the iconic Doom made cheap and accessible. While purists may take issue with some minor technical deviations, this is the first time I've got most of the way through Doom because the portability and *glorious* true dual-stick control makes this easily my favourite version. There's even a cheat menu for when I just want to mindlessly punch hell beasts. The main thing that ages Doom is its maze-like structure, but playing it casually experience alleviates that frustration somewhat. At a grand total of four pounds, this is a BFB (big fucking bargain).

Untitled Goose Game

You know a game is good when the only asterisk I put on my recommendation is that it *may* be overpriced. Untitled Goose Game took the internet by storm this year because it's the quintessential indie game: cute, simple and with anti-authoritarian undertones. As a horrible goose, it's your mission to cause havoc in an unsuspecting English village, interacting with people and objects to cause chain reactions of chaos. Some of the puzzle solutions are maybe a bit obscure, but 90% of the time just messing around with everything in the area will lead to a solution. Untitled Goose Game makes up for its brevity with sheer comedic charm, feeling much better-designed than a "lul so random" affair like Goat Simulator. A honking good time.

Terraria (Switch port)

I have spent literally hundreds of hours on the PC version of Terraria, so when I was broke after buying my Switch the new Terraria port was an obvious cost-effective choice. While the controls aren't as precise, the amount of time spent mining and sorting through loot makes this a great handheld experience. I can't comment on the multiplayer options but few games represent such a sheer value for money, as there's always a new cave to explore or a new boss to overcome. Time has been kind to this 2011 classic, grind notwithstanding.

Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair

While I personally enjoyed the original Yooka-Laylee, it was definitely flawed and I never seriously expected to see a sequel. But Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair launched quite abruptly and did a pretty spectacular job of upstaging its predecessor. All the previous game's half-baked feel has been replaced with clever design touches, like the equippable tonics which grant helpful abilities at the cost of a currency penalty. The titular Lair is actually the final level and available to throw yourself at right from the beginning, but beating it without first obtaining more hitpoints by completing other stages is incredibly hard, which is a great way to incentivize progress without denying more confident players the option of beating the game earlier if they can meet the challenge. Impossible Lair might be this year's biggest surprise, and despite a modest budget I think it's worthy of comparison to excellent 2D platformers like Rayman Legends. Just don't expect to defeat Capital B on your first attempt.

A Hat In Time (Switch port)

I recently reviewed A Hat In Time but at the risk of repeating myself, it's one of the most charming games of the last few years and an incredibly impressive crowdfunded achievement. Mario's offerings may be a grander technical feat, but A Hat In Time is a fast and fabulous journey through a series of weird and wonderful worlds that all feel distinct in content and tone. It's very openly inspired by GameCube-era platformers like Mario Sunshine and Psychonauts and it easily scratches that itch. Simply one of the best original platformers of this generation, and I defy you not to love Hat Kid's cheeky antics.

Spyro Reignited Trilogy (Switch port)

As someone who thinks the original Spyro trilogy holds up better than most early 3D games, I'd have actually preferred a simple port rather than a full remake, but The Reignited Trilogy is honestly impeccable. The updated visuals are gorgeous while maintaining the general style of those old, jaggy models, and very little of the gameplay or content has changed except for sensible updates like the ability to immediately warp between every level you've visited. Having full dual-analogue control is also an absolute godsend even for a PS1 veteran like me. Though Spyro may seem a bit basic these days when faced with modern platformer marvels, the Reignited Trilogy makes these old favourites accessible again at a generous price point.

Ring Fit Adventure

Yes, I have a Wii kicking around in a box somewhere. No, Wii Fit never held my attention as anything more than a curiosity. Ring Fit Adventure, meanwhile, is limited only by my cholesterol-encrusted heart and dislike of excessive showering. This is an honest-to-goodness attempt at making an RPG out of a workout toy, and the amount of polish put into the game's presentation and hardware implementation is pretty remarkable. Levels involve jogging on the spot and squeezing the ring accessory to collect goodies and overcome obstacles, and periodically you'll engage in turn-based combat where you use a custom selection of exercise moves to deal damage. It's a fantastic idea pulled off much more elegantly than it sounds. The ring accessory unfortunately makes this quite an expensive game, so it'll take a lot of regular use to get your money's worth, but I can honestly (and surprisingly) say that exercise suddenly becomes more compelling when it's presented as a light RPG adventure with anthropomorphic gym equipment encouraging you to take breaks and drink plenty of water.

Pokémon Sword/Shield

Disclaimer: I can only give my impressions from 25 hours of playing Pokémon Shield, so this is DEFINITELY not a full review. That being said, this is still an easy recommendation to existing Pokemaniacs and a good starting point for any new acolytes. While the core formula hasn't evolved (har har) much since the very first Pokemon, Sword and Shield still has a number of modern quality of life improvements that make previous generations show their age. I've had so much fun building a core crew of cute and/or badass 'mons in a weird Nintendo version of Britain, and the online features combine with a VASTLY improved random encounter system to make grinding far less of a concern. The wild area takes some getting used to, but it's satisfying to come back and capture the huge Onyx you had to run away from a few hours before. Even if Pokémon Sword/Shield has some technical blemishes and could have pushed the series further in some regards, it's still easy to see why this franchise has maintained such a beloved status for so long.

Red Faction: Guerrilla Re-mars-tered (Switch port)

Along with Dark Souls, Red Faction was a game I never even knew I needed on the go, but now I've got it I can't imagine ever going back. A cult classic due to its amazing destruction physics, Red Faction sees you leading a proletariat revolution on Mars, literally tearing down corporate monuments to free the working class from systematic oppression. The open world is a bit claustrophobic and the shooting isn't exactly mind-blowing, but there's a reason I've beaten Red Faction every couple of years ever since its original 2009 release. The Switch port does the game justice and if you set the difficulty to easy then this is one of the best rage-venting experiences money can buy. So yes, I recommend getting your ass to Mars.

[laugh-of-the-medusa]

i found this draft for a helsa fic I’ll never write

I don’t think anyone remembers this but before my blog became really gay, I used to write Helsa fanfics/headcanons. I was going through my notes and found this draft:

“Are you ever getting married?”

Hans hates the fucking question. Just because I have twelve older brothers who are all married and have kids doesn’t mean I have to get married too.

Everyone in his family likes nagging him about (and it’s a big ass family, mind you). But, no. No way he’s giving up his wonderful life of no-strings-attached sex, the sleep-with-anyone-I-want-who-wants-to-sleep-with-me-too (consent is important, kids) arrangement. He’s the “King of One Night Stands” (no, really, that’s what the media calls him).

Of course, his parents (bless their conservative hearts) are scandalized. It’s a perfect family, with their perfect sons, and their pristine images, and their youngest kid, for whatever, godawful reason is the media’s favorite little shit to gossip about—Who’s in the king’s bed tonight?!! (Yes, that’s an actual headline.)

Something (that was obviously) drastically wrong must have occurred because, really— right now, there's only one woman in his bed, and that’s Elsa.

His parents, his brothers and their wives—even their fucking kids—absolutely love Elsa. His parents love her because she’s a renowned corporate lawyer, big name and highly demanded. She’s a hard worker, very respectable, has a great reputation, very serious. “The Ice Queen,” some like to call her. She waves a hand and hell freezes over. But she’s also really nice? Works on-site with charities and do all the sort of nice things Hans only does when he’s forced to or he has to kiss ass so people will think he’s not a complete dick.

His brothers love Elsa because the very idea of someone finally able to tame his (occasionally drunken) debaucheries is nothing short of a miracle (also remember that part where they just want him to get married?)

His brothers' wives love Elsa because— let's be honest, Elsa's probably most likable person Hans has ever met. Disliking her is like hating all that is good in life. Also, Hans would like to point out, she likes doting on his nieces and nephews. That definitely doesn’t hurt her relationship with his brothers and their families.

Everybody loves Elsa. (Including Hans, mind you. He’s a bastard and an ass and he’s lucky as fuck. And he knows it.) To reiterate: Elsa is commanding and she can be terrifying, but she’s also incredibly compassionate and sweet. She doesn’t take his shit at all and Hans likes the challenge. And, contrary to what most people believe about her being prim and proper, Elsa has a wild side— really, well, kinky streak. Like, holy actual fuck.

And let me tell you, again, that Hans knows he's lucky— he doesn't even know where to begin. He’s probably in love? That’s a thing that’s happening. Of course, at this point, Elsa is probably more likely to murder him than to say yes to a marriage proposal. Or maybe that’s his insecurities talking, but you never know, right?

Elsa hates his guts. They’re always fighting? Lots of arguments that end up in really angry sex. He likes teasing her, she likes sassing him. He’s a dickhead who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of taking things seriously and she’s... whatever the opposite of that is. Honestly, probably not the most healthy relationship out there? But they work. Oddly enough, they work. If he hadn’t already sold his soul he’d sell it again just to make her happy. But she wouldn’t ask him to because she’s Elsa, and that’s how she is. And that’s pretty much their relationship. That’s love, Hans thinks. Love is not letting your boyfriend sell his soul even though you’re on your last nerve and could rip his soul out to give it to Satan for free.

But Elsa probably won’t marry him? He hasn’t asked, but... like... Maybe their current situation works for her just fine? Yes, they’re dating. Yes, they’re in an exclusive relationship (until further notice. Note: that this is, lo and behold, Elsa’s addendum, and not his). Maybe Hans isn’t supposed to ask for more. Maybe this is his punishment? After years of spurning commitments, he’s stuck wanting to marry the one girl who probably won’t say yes. Does it even matter? Marriage is a social construct anyway.

Hans likes to blame his uncertainties on the circumstances of how they met. (Not that he isn’t grateful for those circumstances.)

Hans met Elsa through Anna.

(Oh shit, he met her through another girl? Well, you already know this isn’t going to be all puppies and flowers and rainbows or whatever the fuck is just nice and innocent and pure.)

Anna was a colleague of his and her current boyfriend, Kristoff, was his college buddy. Hans was happy for them when they started dating (they’re disgustingly cute but he can live with that).

But, okay. Here’s the thing (of course there’s a thing, what did you expect?): Before the whole “Kristanna” thing, there was a “Hanna” thing. Okay, so that wasn’t an actual thing. But it was a sort of, kind of thing. There was a party. There were some drinks involved (not too much though but, like, enough. Remember kids: Consent is important). As we’ve already established, Hans likes to sleep around. So, what happened? Answer: He and Anna fucked. Congratulations you don’t get prize for stating the obvious.

Hans made it clear that he wasn't up for relationships, and Anna said she was okay with that. Okay, cool. So, they fucked. It was great. Everyone was more than sufficiently satisfied. And even though it was no secret that she liked him, nothing changed after they parted ways. No awkwardness, nada. Thank the gods.

What Hans never counted on, of course, was Anna's hellfire of a sister. Anna was a one-night stand, and Hans didn't expect one-night stands to have sisters threatening to nail his balls to the wall because "why the fuck did you have sex with my sister when you knew she liked you!?” Well, Hans wanted to say, because it seemed like a great idea (it sort of was? the sex definitely wasn’t bad) and she said yes and he doesn’t like to disappoint and— no. Hans actually didn’t say anything because she was very, very angry and he was really, really, really scared for his balls.

His life was never quiet after that.

Elsa went from practically non-existent to being everywhere in his life. It was like she made it her personal mission to get in his way and irritate the fuck outta him (okay, so maybe she was also really hot and all the fuck in him wanted her). Look, he didn't even know Anna had a sister, or that said sister worked in the firm a floor above their office! Small fucking world, can you believe it? Shit happened. Well, technically, a lot of shit happened. But whatever. The next thing he knows they’re in an empty meeting room like two horny high school kids. He's kissing her and undressing her, and then she’s stopping him, and then she’s pushing him against the wall and blahblahblah and then she’s telling him—

"Hans, this isn't going to be some one-night stand shit, let's make one thing clear— you're mine."

“Mine” echoes in his head to the tune of his heartbeat. Really fucking fast and really fucking loud. The possessiveness was fucking thrilling. And he’s swooning— what the actual— no, you don’t understand— he’s really weak in the knees and he wants to slide down but Elsa has a firm grip on him so he’s standing and

Hans is panting and distracted, and her tongue— and that, was that smirk? and fuck— people shouldn’t be allowed to look that commanding when they’re kneeling in front of you. But Elsa looks like she can command an entire kingdom from that position anyway.

When he responds, he tries to sound cocky. Maybe regain whatever dignity he had left but, really, what the fuck does dignity even mean when you’re seeing literal stars because someone’s finger is doing wonders up your ass?

"Are you” then he chokes on his words “asking me” her tongue does something wonderful to the head of his dick “to be your boyfriend, Isengard?" At this point he’s just panting.

"I am," Elsa says it with a certainty that made Hans bite his tongue mid-moan. “And you’re going to say yes.”

(Well, how the fuck was he going to say no that?)

The thing about Hans is that he likes being in control. He fucks girls on his own terms, he has his fun, she has one of the most mind-blowing sexperience in her lifetime, then they both move on like. He’s the king of one-night stands. He’s supposed to always stay in control and be emotionally distant.

Except, it turns out, the kings bow to queens. And Elsa was pretty damned good at making him do so. (And holy fuck did that feel good.)

The rest is history.

So, now: Yes, they’re dating. Yes, they’re in an until-further-notice exclusive relationship. Yes, he’s reduced to a horny teenager in her hands and he’s really fucking in love. Yes, marriage is a social construct but he wants to marry her anyway because he likes her that much. And, yes if she says no, Hans might actually swear off sex for good because after Elsa, well, who can top that? (The answer to that, by the way, is no one. No one can top that. He sure can’t, at least.)

An epilogue, of sorts: It turns out, Hans didn’t have a lot to worry about because he and Elsa ended up proposing to each other at the same time. Finally, Hans is married and the entire Westergaard clan is so happy they’re all practically puking rainbows and sparkles. Of course, his parents would probably have an aneurysm if they learned the whole marriage thing isn’t actually as monogamous (or even heterosexual for that matter) as most traditional marriages tend to be. But, hey. What they don’t know won’t send them to their early graves, right? Hans is perfectly content and happy with the arrangement. Who knew marriages could be so fun, right?

[scarletraven1001]

Impasse - Chapter 9: Epilogue

The final chapter of Impasse.

Chapter warning: Fluff; Slight sexual content.

All Chapters:  1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9

Also on Ao3.

M-rated version on ff.net.

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I can’t believe it. My first Vegebul multi-chapter fanfic is over! I legit feel like crying, because I am so happy that I actually completed this fic. This story started just from a one-shot inspired by a cute little fanart that I found on tumblr, and has somehow turned into this story that helped me explore not just these characters, but facets of myself, as well.

Also, because of this story, I have met and interacted with so many wonderful people, have received amazing writing tips and inspiration, and I am really very, very thankful to all of you who liked, commented, kudos’d, favorite/bookmarked and reblogged this story. You all made it possible for me to push through and finish this story, so from the very bottom of my heart, thank you so much to all of you!

Let’s get on with this then! The final chapter of Impasse.

And as always… your feedback will be greatly appreciated!

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Chapter 9: Epilogue

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Bulma hummed a small tune as she drove, her shiny new periwinkle hybrid car gleaming as it sped down the highway.

She knew she was speeding just a tiny bit, but it was Friday, and she really couldn’t wait to get home that day.

She was bursting at the seams with excitement, dying to share her most recent discovery with the dark-haired man waiting for her at home.

She stopped at a red light, tapping her fingers against the steering wheel as she impatiently waited for the light to turn green.

The rays of the setting sun reached for her through her lightly-tinted car windows, bouncing off the shiny, intricately-engraved golden ring and its grander diamond-topped twin on her left ring finger.

She smiled, excited to see Vegeta.

Vegeta… Her husband.

It had been five years since she had met him, since she had first looked into the piercing eyes of the man she would later fall madly in love with.

Three years since he, at their annual office party, got down on one knee before her, and with the entire staff of Ouji Enterprises as their witness, asked her to become his wife.

It had been nearly two years since she walked down an aisle littered with blue flower petals, her bouquet of light blue roses and hydrangea clutched tightly in her hands, and promised her mind, body and soul to the only man she would ever cherish more than life itself.

He was truly the love of her life, and she was determined to make sure that he knew it, felt it, every single day…

Which was the reason why he needed to be the first one she told about her entire life’s most amazing discovery.

She slammed down on the gas, giddy as she saw the roof of their medium-sized mansion, nestled among the trees, smack down the border of the South and West Cities.

It was a strategic spot. It was only half an hour away from both of their places of work.

He at Ouji Ent…

And she at Capsule Corp.

Vegeta had taken it upon himself to help the Briefs reconcile. Several months after Bulma had admitted to the public that they were together following his car accident, he had pulled strings to, without Bulma’s knowledge, gain an appointment with Dr. Briefs.

They had spoken at length about her, him promising her father that he was going to look after her and be there for her, before he begged them to leave Bulma alone to find herself.

She had been livid about his interference, but he had simply said that he knew, deep down, that she still loved her family in spite of their issues… and she had nothing to fear from them now, as he would be there with her, standing with her, to keep her strong, all the way.

She had later gone back to her family home to speak with her parents, and with her hand in Vegeta’s warm grasp, she had looked at her father and mother…

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“I am happy. I am very happy right now. Vegeta,” she paused as she choked back tears, and he squeezed her hand in support. “Vegeta makes me happy. My job right now, makes me happy. And I don’t care if you think I’m a harlot,” she glanced at her mother, “for dating my boss. Because this thing between us is real.”

Her father had sat straight, brows knitted together as he responded. “Bulma... If you two are in love, then I am glad that you have found each other. Your mother and I… We are your parents, and we want you to be happy, dear.”

“Then I need you both to promise that whatever I do, you’ll be happy for me. I need to know that you won’t try to stop me from discovering more about myself, because as much as I am your daughter, I am also my own person,” she paused to glance at the dark-haired man sitting beside her. “Vegeta makes me happy because he supports me. He gives me my freedom and lets me have a choice. My life is up to me, and he has never tried to force or impose himself and his decisions on me. I need that kind of support from you two, as well.”

Panchy refused to look at Bulma as she spoke, her voice light and airy, but Bulma sensed the underlying seething in the blonde woman’s tone.

“You would abandon us for him? Your family who raised you, gave you everything you needed and wanted… just to prove a point?” Panchy asked.

Bulma gasped, utterly mortified as fury crawled through her veins.

She opened her mouth to reply, but a stern voice beat her to the punch.

“If I may interject, Briefs-san,” Vegeta spoke, pulling all of their attention to him.

His face and tone remained polite, nearly impassive, but Bulma could tell from the way his hand curled convulsively around her fingers, and his eyes had darkened in his barely leashed rage, that he had reached his boiling point.

“Bulma did not join Ouji to prove a point. She wanted to discover herself, find her own way. She is not abandoning you, but she had distanced herself from you because she needed room to grow, which is something that in your overprotectiveness,” he paused, his teeth grinding in agitation. “she was having a hard time finding. I cannot promise to be the perfect person towards her, but I can guarantee you this… with me, she will be free to learn all she can about herself. And I will stand by her. Because I cherish your daughter, as I am sure you do, as well.”

Her heart clenched, and she could feel his love for her enveloping her, giving her the courage to push forward and make her parents understand that she didn’t hate them, but she was done being a child.

She was a grown woman. A woman who had been lucky enough to find and fall in love with a wonderful man who, amazingly, loved her back.

“Please remember that it was Vegeta who wanted me to talk to you,” she said through gritted teeth, causing her father to wince, and her mother to blink. “I never would have found the will or desire to come here if not for him, so don’t suggest that he is the reason I have turned away... He is the reason, the only reason, I am trying to clear things between us now. I would prefer to have you in my life, but I will not hesitate to turn away again if you cannot accept that I am my own person, and the decisions about my career and personal life are mine to make.”

She stood, Vegeta following suit. As they made their way to the door, she turned back slightly as she remembered something else.

“By the way, Tights called a week ago. She and Kaito, Jaco’s father, are getting married. If you’d like to attend the wedding this fall, you know how to find her.”

.

8-8-8-8-8

.

That slightly disastrous meeting had led to further conversations between Bulma and her parents, until they had finally settled on a truce, on the day of Tights’ wedding.

However… it was not until after they had gotten engaged that Vegeta had asked her to think about going back to Capsule Corp.

He had known, before she herself had realized it, that she could never truly turn her back on CC, because she would wish to honor her father’s legacy and hard work.

He never pushed, only planted the idea in her head… but as a testament to how well he knew her, Bulma realized that he was right… she did want to eventually lead CC, but the problem she had before was that if she had just taken over the company at 21, then she would not have been happy because it wouldn’t have been her choice to do so.

She also knew that without any corporate experience, in spite of her genius, she would have surely run the company into the ground. She would not have had the chance to learn and grow, to develop strategies that could help her manage a corporation. Now that she had learned the ways of steering an organization from Ouji, she could seriously consider eventually heading their family’s company.

Vegeta truly did know her better than she knew herself.

Her father had been ecstatic when she called him to talk about Capsule Corp., but she had insisted that she first be assigned a lower executive position, until she felt confident in fully taking on the responsibilities of leading the company.

She left Ouji Ent. shortly before she married Vegeta. He had been very sad to have her leave the company, but he had been happy for her, knowing that her moving to CC was the start of yet another chapter in their lives. She joined CC as the Chief of Research and Development six months after their wedding.

Bulma’s life was going exactly the way she wanted it to, perhaps even better.

She turned into their large garage, grinning as she saw her husband already there, pulling open the back of his SUV, that she saw was full of groceries.

“Hey babe!” she greeted, carefully parking beside him.

He gave her an answering smirk, moving to meet her at the driver’s side, extending a hand to her. She smiled gratefully as she took his hand, easily hopping off the large vehicle with his help.

They walked to the back of his car, and Bulma snickered at the number of bags she saw.

“What’s all this?” she asked amusedly, eyeing the grocery bags he was unloading.

“Food.”

She rolled her eyes. “Ok, smartass. What kinds?”

He smirked. “Meat, some vegetables. A bunch of your Cheetos and coffee. I sent Kakarot out to buy all this.”

After Goku graduated, Vegeta had hired him as one of Ouji Ent’s purchasers.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not in his job description,” she grinned, pulling out some of the lighter bags to help her gluttonous husband take the food into the house.

“I am also quite sure he doesn’t mind, after he received that large bonus that I approved.”

Bulma’s smile widened. “Oh come on. You realize that the whole thing would probably be spent on his and Chichi’s wedding next month?”

He scoffed. “I am already paying for the wedding cake.”

“And that was really nice of you.”

“What can I say… you made me do it,” he groused as he heaved the last of the bags into his arms, heading for the door with Bulma in tow.

Suddenly he grinned, teeth gleaming with his lascivious smile. “I seem to remember that you had been… extremely persuasive that night.”

Bulma flushed, gaping as she stared at him incredulously.

“I- I- I didn’t-” she sputtered.

“That was an extra nice touch, the thing you did with the-”

“Vegeta!”

Vegeta threw his head back, laughing raucously in the face of her distress as he began walking towards the house.

Bulma ran after him, face red as a tomato.

“I did not do that to persuade you, you ass-”

“Whatever you say, woman,” he said as he pushed the door open and let them both inside the house.

The mansion was deserted, save for them and the security guards at the gates. All their housekeepers have gone home, as was usual for them every Friday evening. Their household help all had the weekends off, since Vegeta and Bulma preferred to have the entire house to themselves during the weekends.

It was also Vegeta’s chance to have Bulma cook his meals, as for some reason she really could not fathom, he absolutely loved her cooking.

It still puzzled her to high heavens, as she knew that her cooking was mediocre, at best. Nobody other than Vegeta seemed to like it.

She pouted as they went into the kitchen, where Vegeta dropped their bags onto the counter, teasingly placing a kiss on her cheek before turning from her to hunt down the TV remote. She smiled at his back, then started placing their food into the cupboards and the fridge.

It was a comically simple routine, but it was all part of Bulma’s domestic dreams come to life.

She shook her head at the sight of the cans of his Hetap energy drink, arranging them into the fridge as she heard the television blare to life in the living room.

“Bulma,” Vegeta called as he reentered the kitchen. “I almost forgot, Raditz said thanks for those CC shoes you gave Laura. Apparently, the kid loves them and refuses to take them off.”

“Oh that’s great!” she said brightly. “Launch told me that their little girl doesn’t like wearing shoes. I guess the new prototype soles we produced were comfy enough that Laura actually likes them. I’m gonna tell Marketing to complete their market research so we can mass-produce the shoes.”

She felt his thick, well-muscled arms snake around her waist from behind as she finished arranging the last of the groceries into the cabinets.

She lifted her hands up to grasp his as he rested his hands across her stomach, and their fingers linked together as she leaned back, turning her head slightly so she can gaze at him while he lowered his lips to kiss the side of her neck.

She felt the warmth of his lips contrast with the coolness of the golden chain around her throat as he moved up, leaving small nips and licks until she giggled, and he smiled as he moved so her lips could gently meet his.

She stayed in his arms, luxuriating in his heat, silently feeling him for a few minutes before she took a deep breath.

He felt her inhale, and he asked, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You seem a bit… anxious. Did anything happen at work?”

She smiled, raising a hand to stroke her crescent necklace, silently asking it for support.

“Nothing bad, but I did discover something very important today,” she whispered.

He pulled back, turning her so she faced him, before he wrapped her in his arms again, their hands resting on each other’s waists.

“What? Do you need help?”

“Well…” she started, smiling softly at him. “Not right now… but I will probably get a lot needier in the next few months.”

His brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Her smile widened, before she lifted a hand, taking one of his…

And very gently, very slowly, laying it across her abdomen.

His eyes widened, hope and disbelief brightening his obsidian orbs as he stuttered at the insinuation.

“Bulma?” he breathed. “Are you saying…”

“I’ve been feeling a bit strange, so I did a test at work and discovered that… I’m six weeks along, Vegeta.”

“You’re… Bulma, you’re-”

“Yes!”

“You’re serious?” he asked, face flushing as he watched her smile, tears of joy filling the corners of her eyes.

She nodded. “We’re gonna be parents, Vegeta!”

“Bulma!” he exclaimed, his voice catching slightly as he said her name.

He pulled her close, lifting her off her feet in his excitement, and she laughed, holding him around his neck as he held her tight, his face buried into the crook of her neck.

He let her go, gently dropping her to her feet, as he began frantically asking if she felt ok, if there was anything she needed…

“Do you want me to call the housekeepers in? Do you want to sit down and let me make dinner? Do you want me to buy the actual moon for you?” he asked, and Bulma wasn’t quite sure anymore if he was kidding or actually serious.

“I’ve got my own moon around my neck, thank you very much,” she laughed. “And no… I can still make dinner.”

“Bulma, anything you want, let me know immediately,” he said, a huge grin splitting his face as he still held her loosely, unable to let her go.

“l will.”

“You have no idea, I can’t even tell you how happy you’ve made me,” he said.

She laughed as she watched him, his eyes glued to her stomach as he stared in wonder, no doubt already imagining the child that was growing within her right at that moment.

“I love you, Vegeta,” she whispered, and his sharp eyes flew to hers as his hands tightened their grip around her waist.

He leaned down, his soft breaths fanning over her cheeks as he lowered his lips to hers, giving her a heartfelt kiss that breathed life into her every cell, sustaining her heart, letting her feel how much he treasured her and everything they shared together.

He suddenly lifted her up, and not breaking their kiss, began walking out of the kitchen with her in his embrace.

She wrapped her legs around his waist as he deftly found his way into their bedroom, and he laid her down on the very center of their plush king-sized bed.

He held himself over her, his weight carefully on his hands and knees that surrounded her like a protective cage.

Her heart was in her throat as she stared at him, taking in every line and curve of his gorgeous face, as he lifted his left hand, stroking her cheek.

Her eyes strayed momentarily to the scars adorning his arm: the tiny one from their first night together, and the longer, harsher one from his accident.

Two scars that somehow brought them together, reminding her even more of the things they had endured to finally find their way to each other.

They had won.

“I love you, Bulma,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss her again, and she felt him pour his entire heart and soul into the beautifully intimate contact as his fingers traveled down to undo the buttons on her blouse.

She pulled away from his kiss with a gasp. “What about dinner?” she asked, half-jokingly.

“That can wait,” he smirked, pulling her blouse open and eagerly cupping her soft breasts, making her moan.

As she surrendered once more to his touch, let him ravish her with his love, she couldn’t help but agree.

This overwhelming feeling of joy, that she needed to express to him in the deepest way possible, cannot wait.

Dinner could, until much later.

After all, they had plenty of time.

Together, they had forever.

 8-8-8-8-8

.

The end.

.

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[littleredroseonthevalley]

Wildest Dreams

Summary: A New Year’s. A wedding reception. Two parties, set apart in time, spell a begining and an end in Emily’s life.

Rating: M -  Not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16 with non-explicit suggestive adult themes, references to some violence, or coarse language.

Notes: Hello, everyone! I wanted to do a Nathan piece for weeks now, especially after The Big Reveal on TJ. My first attempt was ‘An Opera on Separation’, but Zig ended up worming his way there and it turned out to be less about Nathan and more about Emily getting over Nathan and ending up on the arms of Ziggy-Pop himself.

Then, last Thursday, I heard ‘Wildest Dreams’ by Taylor Swift while trying to come up for a new number for my dance crew and it really inspired me!

Oh, and a fair warning, this is NOT a part of ‘An Opera on Separation’ universe. This is a completely separate one-shot. Perhaps I ought to take a page from my fellow authors and change the MC’s name, but I tend to prefer the default name for reasons.

And I used the ‘An Opera on Separation’ taglist. Sue me.

Emily was leaning against a wall and wishing she was dead.

Who the Hell decides to break with someone just outside a Starbucks? On the day before Christmas Eve, no less?

Emily’s ex does.

She sighed once more. Her holidays were miserable over it, as her family expected her to bring her significant other to the feast. Showing up alone was right depressive.

Returning to work on the 26th hadn’t been any easier, as somehow the entire office building where she worked as a secretary ended up figuring out about her shameful break-up before lunch hour. That certainly thwarted her hopes of having at least half a day of peace.

Consequentially, all her colleagues insisted terribly for her to attend the building’s New Year’s Eve party, as a way to ‘get back on the horse’, so to speak.

She pushed back as hard as she could, but she ended up caving. She supposed she could hang around until ten or so, have some cheap liquor and leave to spend midnight the way God intended.

Drunk and alone on her bed.

What the young woman did not count on was the fact that the hours between eight and ten would be Chinese torture in form of a company gathering.

Everyone around her seemed to be drunk on the sad excuse for champagne the company had provided, and the friskier were coupling up in bizarre pairings, like Crystal, the sour receptionist, and Dan, the Porno King from accounting.

Those scenes of moral decadence only served to further Emily’s depression. Despite attending a prestigious university and having academic honours, she was stuck at the same dead-end job as the woman who seemingly collected chocolate wrappings on her desk drawer.

Corporate America was a soul-sucking monster and that girl was out of soul to give.

Feeling claustrophobic, the woman unlatched herself from her spot on the wall and walked over to the balcony for some air. The place was thankfully devoid of people, except for a blond guy who was smoking and leaning against the railing.

She considered leaving, but the idea of returning to the crowd was enough for giving her a small anxiety attack. No, if she hung out on the opposite end as him, perhaps he wouldn’t notice, or would pick up the cue and leave her be.

And it worked for a while, she could sit down on the dirty floor and stretch her aching legs. The man finishes his cigarette and picks another one from his suit jacket and tries to light it, to no avail.

He sighed loudly and seemed to curse under his breath. He, then, turned to her and said, amicably: “Hi-ya.”

She looks over to him and takes a moment to realize he’s talking to her. Then, she responds with a lazy: “Hey.”

“Do you have some fire?” He asks, rather supplicant. “My lighter seems to have given up on me.”

“No, sorry. Non-smoker.” The woman answers, still wishing for the man to go away.

“Such is my luck. Perhaps it’s a sign that I smoked way too much today. It’s a nasty habit, but I never had it in me to stop.” He snorts, anxious. “What brings you to the smoking area?”

She looked at him, confused. “This is the smoking area?”

“Yep.” He popped the p and pointed to the ash dispensers around the balcony. “I’ll go ahead and say you wanted a break from all that inside.”

The young woman sported a small side smile over the comment. “Pretty much. And to stay out of Crystal line of sight. After she’s done with Dan, she’ll have nothing else to lose.”

“Dan still works here?” The blond asks, more to himself, surprised. “I was sure he’d be fired after all the data leaking.”

“You and me both, pal.” She says, while sipping her beverage. “ The virus got into the system through one of his porn movies, after all.”

“I think whom you really should look out for is Marcia from HR. I saw her pulling a busboy into a closet some half an hour ago. That woman is insatiable!” The guy bemoans, well-humored.

Emily raises a well-kept eyebrow, throws a smirk and says: “You speak out of experience?”

He laughs. “Jesus, no. It wasn’t over her lack of interest, though.”

“How conceited!” She accused, smiling. “I’m Emily, by the way.”

He also smiled, charmingly. “Nathan. Nice to meet you.”

“Nathan? Like the boss?” She asks, curious.

“You know the CEO?” He responds, surprised.

She nods. “Well, yeah, I’m one of his secretaries.”

“Ah, cool.” He shakes his fair head. “Life-long dream of being a secretary?”

The statement was ridiculous enough to drag a loud laughter out of the girl. “No way. I’m a writer. Well, I was a writer.”

“What happened?” He asks, taking a seat next to her.

“It happened no one wanted to pick up my manuscript. Then I tried to self-publish, but that fell through pretty quickly.” She sighed. “After that, I decided to cut my losses and had a friend wire me with this gig. So here I am.”

He grimaces. “I’m sorry for that. If it makes you feel better, I always wanted to be an anthropologist, but my dad thought going on field studies resembled too much a vagabond lifestyle and argued that corporate law would be much more my speed. And so, here I am, and guess what?”

“What?”

“Corporate law sucks.” They laugh.

“It does make me feel a little better.” She pokes.

“Well, I’m glad my misery is amusing to you.” The man smirks with his shiny pearly teeth.

“What brings you to this disgrace of a party?” Emily asks, blunt.

“It was a pretty good excuse not to attend my parents’ disgrace of a party.” He responds with a shrug. “You?”

“Some of the girls at the desk thought it’d be depressing for me to spend New Year’s alone, so they nagged me until I agreed to come.” She throws back an offending lock of hair.

He hummed. “That may be the reasoning of most of the people in here tonight.”

“Damn year ending on a Wednesday.” She huffs. “I suppose it’s fitting. A mediocre year ending on a mediocre day.”

“I’d drink to that.” The blond echoes.

“Cheers!” She raises her lonely red cup.

Emily was going all out for that party later tonight. She had only just left the hairdresser’s and was ready for putting on the dress, which hung at her closet door for over a week in anticipation for tonight.

The piece had been handpicked. She’d much prefer a Paco Rabane, but the evening required some demure, and so she went with a blue-and-gold, slit on the leg, Gucci ball gown and a matching clutch. The also blue high heels disguised her short stature and highlighted her lean legs.

Finally, the jewellery. She was covered in diamonds, from his earrings, neck and hands, everything was adorned with pieces which sported the precious gem. Even her hair was held up with an encrusted pin.

She put on the luxurious outfit and sat down to do her makeup. Supposedly, she could have had it done at the beauty parlour, but she rarely liked the results when she let others do it for her. Not to mention, she was rather disgusted with the shared brushes and products.

No, she was a dextrous woman. She could do it herself.

First, the base on her cheeks, to disguise small acne scars, some sun damage and the insistent swelling from the past few days. Then, a smidge of blush, for a healthy colouring. Emily was way too pale for her own good.

Next, the eyes. Eyeliner and mascara would make her eyes pop against the white, and now unmarred, skin. Then the mandatory red lipstick, carefully applied to her full lips.

It was a night event, she could humour herself and splurge a little with the products and not look like a clown.

When she was finally done, she picked up the clutch and checked her money, phone and documents. Then, fetching the car keys, left for the party.

“Have these naval charts approved by Tuesday, and have my car picked up from the shop first thing in the morning.” The greying-haired man ordered with little as much as a look to the young woman standing by his desk.

“Yes, Mr. Sterling, sir.” She nods and writes down his commands at her planner.

“You may go now, Emily.” He dismisses, and the girl excuses herself.

Closing the door with care, she returns to her seat at the desk she shares with two other secretaries, Kate and Jess.

“I don’t know how you can deal with that dick and keep that stupid smile on your face.” Jess mentions with a sneer.

Emily shrugged. “I’m happy these days. It won’t be Mr. Sterling who’ll pop my bubble.”

Kate scoffs, her sixth sense for a good piece of gossip tingling hard. “Happy, right. Just the other day you’re lamenting on the corners because of what’s-their-name. When we’ll know the name of this ‘happiness’ of yours?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The other responds but couldn’t contain the smirk.

“Yeah, sure!” Kate shouts and points accusingly. “You totally smiled. Come on! Please, please, please!”

“No! Just drop it.” Emily said, good-naturedly.

“Kate, Emily’s entitled to her secrets.” Jess said, not as much to defend her as to get the other girl to sit quiet. Emily never could understand why, but Jess was never much of her fan.

“Fine.” She huffed in response. “Meanie.”

The three women finished their shift and parted ways at the company’s doorstep. Emily walked over to the subway station with a skip on her step. She did not lie when she said she was very happy to be brought down these days.

Life was much too good when you’re in love.

Reaching her modest one-bedroom apartment, she quickly changed her clothes and put herself to work. Her boyfriend would be stopping by later tonight, and would stay for dinner, so Emily had to whip out a first-class meal and clean up the place by nine.

Dating her boss’ son was something that the redhaired did not planned for, it just happened, and it certainly took some adapting. Their relationship had to be kept under wraps, lest Jess and the other employees think she’d receive preferential treatment.

But it was worth it. When Nathan said he was actually Nathan Sterling, III, it shocked her. She felt rather betrayed, as he kept that slight detail for over a month of going out, and the ‘no-telling rule’ was rather uncomfortable.

But Nathan was also a caring, loving boyfriend. He makes her feel like a princess every day he’s with her. He called or texted three times a day, just to check on her and talk about their day. He showered with gifts, ranging from the romantic, like flowers, to the lavish, like diamonds, to the thoughtful, like a first-edition of her favourite childhood book, ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’.

In the end, forfeiting bragging rights to Kate was a too small of a sacrifice. She loved Nathan, she wanted to be with him. Waiting until such time she could quit her miserable job for ‘coming out’ to her friends was absolutely worth it.

At exactly nine o’clock, a knock on the door jump-start Emily from the oven to skip over to the living room. She opens the door with a wide smile and says: “Hello!”

Nathan doesn’t say a thing, he prefers to let down the bags he’d been holding, picking up the woman by her waist and twirl her over the cramped living room, eliciting giggles from the redhead.

Reaching the middle of the room, he smiled broadly, kissed her nose and said: “Good evening, Emily. How you’re doing?”

“I’m fine. Better now.” She unwrapped herself from his arms. “Just sit down, I’ll finish dinner in a moment.”

“Great, I’m famished!” He says, boisterous. “By the way, I brought some wine.”

“I’ll grab the bottle opener.” She shouts from the kitchen.

Soon enough, Emily emerges with a carbonara, two glasses and a bottle opener and sets them on the table.

“And I brought another thing, as well.” The blond says, a wicked smile on his face.

The redhaired couldn’t help but smile over the man’s childish antics. “What is it?”

“Well, remember you said Tuesday you wanted to go out dancing?” He asks, but before she could answer, he continues. “I felt really guilty I couldn’t take you, BUT, I could bring an iPod and a sound box. So get ready, Em, ‘cause tonight we’re dancing on the hottest and most exclusive club in the city!”

Emily beamed at the surprise. She walks over to him and kisses him deeply, until them both are out of air. After they break apart, she says: “I love you.”

“I love you more.” He smirks and bends down to kiss her again.

She was up in the sky, and no-one would bring her down.

The party venue was a good two-hour drive from her place, across state lines. But it did not matter, Emily enjoyed driving on the highway, with the high speed cleansing her frustrations and the hustle-bustle of people driving across the land engaging her mind.

She enjoyed looking at the vehicles passing by, looking at the faraway license plates and conjecturing stories about its passengers, where they were going and from where they came.

The ferry that took her to Martha’s Vineyard was no less of an enjoyable experience, feeling the salty wind hitting her face and observing the great reddish-blue expanse of the ocean beyond the sound.

Once at the wealthy suburb, she drove to a small, wooded area near the country club. She decided to walk to the venue, her old, rusty and noisy Kia would certainly be too much of a difference from the imported, luxury cars that filled the valet service.

No, she was aiming a low profile that night, and that sky-blue old machine would not do.

The fifteen-minute walk from the gates to the main salon was harder than she expected, given the heels were less for movement and more for show. Her feet would remember this night tomorrow morning.

Emily reaches the ostentatious French doors at the club entrance and gives her invitation to the usher. The young man greets her with a smile and walks her over to her seat.

A server comes and offers her champagne, which she gracefully accepts a flute and made herself comfortable.

The party was about to start.

“Emily, please, say something.” Nathan pleaded, looking hurt at her while she just shrunk further within the couch. The woman was silently looking at the void for over fifteen minutes now.

“I think you should leave.” Emily complied, letting out the phrase in a hoarse voice.

He really wanted to fight, to scream, to stay and have her react. Even if it meant she would throw something pointy and hard at him.

But, in the end, the whole thing was breaking his heart as well and he was never one with high threshold for pain, so he complied to her wish and walked over to the door. Before stepping out, he turns back one last time and says: “Call me if you want to talk. Anytime.”

Emily did not respond. After Nathan shuts the door on his way out, she did not make a sound. She enjoyed the silence of the house, she noted the tiny steps of bugs in the kitchen, the dripping of raindrops on the windows and the leakage on the sink.

The first thought that hit her with some reasoning came who knows how later in the day, and it was a simple phrase.

Nathan’s engaged.

An arranged match, he said. Kassidy Marquez’s family controlled port infrastructure around the Gulf of Mexico, and it was a big move for a shipping company, as large as it was, still confined within the Northeastern Seaboard.

He came by that afternoon to tell her of his father’s decision, to have him wed the young girl. He confessed to know Kassidy from college, and to have casually dated her in the past, but assured Emily of his ‘undying love and devotion’.

Nathan also expressed his intentions to maintain a relationship between them, even on the event of his marriage.

She didn’t want to think about it. She couldn’t think about it now. She was out of breath, like she was drowning in dry land.

She just wanted to draw the drapes and pretend she was dead.

“Oh my, Emily, you’re such a delight!” The older woman says, laughing of something the girl had said.

“You’re too kind, Mrs. Franklin.” The redhead smiled politely.

“What’s your relation to the couple, again?” The other wonders, remembering she had not been told.

“Oh, I’m a working colleague of the groom’s.” She responded. “Speaking of which, it seems they’re ready to have their first dance. Would you care to accompany me?”

“I’m much too old!” The woman complains, good-naturedly. “Go along! I’ll see them from over here.”

“Please, Mrs. Franklin, you’re much too youthful to call yourself old. But if you excuse me, I love this part of weddings.” Emily stood up and walks over to the dancefloor, blending in with the crowd watching the newlywed couple.

The bride was a looker, with her long black hair and tanned skin, a shine on her eyes like a blushing virgin, that freshness of going on to a new life. Her luxurious and pristine Vera Wang dress highlighted the posture of a young aristocrat and flew through the room like a curtain dancing on the wind.

But if we’re judging by appearance, the groom was the pretty one. He looked every bit like a fairy tale prince, with his tall and lean frame, white skin as if he had never met the sun in his life, and the blond hair combed backwards. The suit was midnight black, perfectly tailored overseas, and with sapphire cufflinks to give a finishing shine of upper crust.

They twirled through the room the whole fifteen minutes of Blue Danube in flawless grace, and without breaking a sweat. Soon after, they started the rounds through the guest tables, to receive the congratulations from the various guests.

A good hour later, when Nathan and Kassidy reach table 13, which contained the looser relatives on the Sterling family, they are greeted by the recently-widowed Great-Aunt Susett Franklin.

“Oh, my darlings!” She kisses each of their kisses, much to the displeasure of Kassidy. “Congratulations on the nuptials! It is such a wonderful adventure, and I hope yours to be filled with bliss and bounty.”

“Thank you, Aunt Susett.” Nathan says, politely. “How do you like the party? I hope you’re not feeling too alone out here.”

She laughs, dismissively. “Not at all! Emily has been keeping me in good company the entire party. Lovely girl, that one.”

Kassidy made a face. “Emily? I don’t remember an Emily at the guest list.”

“I don’t think you’ve met her, honey. She says she’s Nathan’s colleague, from work.” The older woman comments, in passing. “A shame you’ve come by just when she left to freshen up. She seemed so eager to congratulate you!”

A cold shiver shot through Nathan’s back. It couldn’t be, could it? After months of silence, she wouldn’t come to great lengths to attend the reception. However, he certainly did not know any other Emily, lest one who worked for him.

His ocean-blue eyes run through the venue, looking for that unmistakeable red hair.

And, then, he sees her.

She looked as beautiful as ever, with the dress and the accessories he had gifted her over the months of their relationship. But her eyes were different, they seemed dead and filled with tears.

She set her sights on him and seemed to pierce his soul with it and all he wanted to do was scream.

But it did not last long, as on the next second she turns around and leaves the party.

The blond muster some stupid excuse and dashes after her, not caring what anyone would think or say. He underestimates a seasoned woman on heels with a very good reason to run, as he couldn’t find her on the hallway by the salon, nor at the entrance hall to the country club.

Nathan would only be able to catch up under a willow, a short walk from the main gateway of the club. “Emily! Emily, wait!” He says, and reaches for her arm, pulling her close and forcing her to face him. “What are you doing here?”

“I came for the free booze. What do you think I was doing?!” The redhead shouts to his face. “I was torturing myself like the idiot I am.”

“You’re not an idiot.” He responded, severe. “Why didn’t you call me? I’d come to you.”

The woman scoffed, incredulous. “And drop your wedding?”

“I dropped it now, didn’t I?” He shoots her a side smirk, trying to dispel her hostility, to no avail.

“Don’t do that!” She shouts. “Don’t try to charm your way out of this. It won’t work.”

He sighed. “Okay. But I can honestly say I really missed you.”

“It. Won’t. Work.” She repeated.

The blue-eyed man shrugged. “It’s no trick, but believe what you want. Why you’re here?”

“I thought I needed to see it for myself.” She declared, her voice wavering. “Shock therapy, I guess. To force myself to let go.”

“You know you don’t have to if you don’t want it.” He looked pleadingly at the woman, who stood tense and straight like the willow next to them. “I love you. I want you. We can make this work if we really want to.”

“Look, Nathan, I get why you did what you did. I get that you left me for Kassidy, and that what we had wouldn’t have a future. But don’t ask me to be a part of your Boston Brahmin fantasy.” She shot him a look. “If you can’t be in it for the whole thing, at least let me find someone who is.”

The reality of things start to catch up to the young aristocrat. “So you’re just gonna leave? You’re abandoning me?”

“You left first, Nathan.” She coldly accuses. “You left me all those months ago when you said you’d be marrying Kassidy. And I’m not going down with the ship, I’m sorry.”

The blond start taking steps backwards, trying to focus his eyesight, blurred by the pain he felt on every muscle of his body.

Seizing the opportunity to leave, Emily looks back at him and says: “I really loved you, you know?”

“I know.” He manages to respond. “I love you, too.”

“I truly hope Kassidy makes you happy.” She said with a melancholic smile on her face.

“She won’t.” He responded, but the redhead had already left.

Emily ran the rest of the distance to her car, where she hastily took off every piece of jewellery and tried to clean off the make-up, ruined by the tears.

When she calmed herself minimally, she started the engine and drove away.

Taglist: @alicars; @boneandfur; @choicesfannatalie; @diamond-dreamland; @emerald-bijou; @kennaxval; @liamxs-world; @lizeboredom; @mfackenthal; @mrsdrakewalkerblog; @radiantrosemary; @topsyturvy-dream

[starlightsoulwriting]

Chaos Theory - Chapter Three

A/N: a.skdjfg;.ewukojhdP:SLK iM SCREAMING YOU GUYS 

I'm just really excited about this story and pacing myself is really difficult when I have more than one chapter ready but like I know I need to do that in order to keep consistent updates. I'm also trying to get a job so like wish me luck with that! Let me know what you think! Am I being too cryptic? too obvious? too slow? I need some help lol.

Masterlist

Crossposted on AO3

Chapter Three: Sphinx

11:23 PM

Liana didn’t have to wait long before she was able to see the advancing swarm of androids from over a mile straight down the street, white ants getting ever closer. By the time they would reach the entrance of Recall Center 5, every human would have long since cleared out of the area, prompted to leave by the news and emergency alerts. The block was already nearly deserted, but now even the national guard and SWAT had to clear out. She would be free to move without Perkins fucking things up (again). She stood from her crouch behind the concrete rails and grabbed her things before launching down the fire escape, the cold metal burning even through her fleece-lined gloves.

The National Gaurd had already cleared away all the bodies, leaving the street blue and her soul hollow, knowing her friends had been thrown away like common trash. Stupid Perkins, stupid president. Ruined everything. Her fist curled, nails sharp enough to feel through the leather and heat bloomed in her chest, her brows furrowing. She grit her teeth, before closing her eyes and collecting herself.

Breathe in… Hold…  Breathe out…

Focus.

There’s no use dwelling on what’s already done.

Opening her eyes, she then moved to lean against one of the buildings, rummaging around in her bag, wading through the brick-a-brack in search of what she needed. It’s showtime. She just hoped her words of advice to Connor had confused him enough so he would believe her - or at least build some trust. There was no way this would work if he refused to listen. At least he was a deviant now.

A shudder ran up her spine as memories flashed at the thought of Connor’s less than pleasant machine personality. Liana could still feel the echo of mechanical hands tighten around her throat. Fuck. She smashed her balled fist against the brick behind her.

Deep Breath. Refocus.

You’re safe.

She resumed her search, heartbeat more erratic than it was just a minute ago. She finally found what she was looking for in her bag, though, and she was thankful for the distraction. She pulled out two items from her canvas duffel, a smile tugging at her lips despite the swell of nerves and anger in her stomach. Months of work and it all came down to this next few minutes. She was in the home stretch. - if this worked.

If one looked at the two items in her possession, they wouldn’t seem like anything special. Of course, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Underneath, there was previously unheard of technology hiding. They were designed in every way to blend in, just like her duffel bag was. The silver “watch” in her hand had taken considerably more time to perfect than the canvas sack, however - cramming all the same components into a much smaller package was an obstacle befitting a Genius Grant Laureate such as herself. And she had done it, eventually, after months of chugging unhealthy amounts of coffee.

Her colleagues would be so impressed when she finally got the chance to show it off.

The other object was more discreet - a thin, clear, silicone disc about the size of a dime. If looked at closely, thousands and thousands of tiny circuits could be seen, capable of holding several petabytes of code. The code had been the hard part, actually - the memory disc was a standard piece of equipment for Android Techs looking to temporarily add new code to their charge. All they had to do was press it on the androids temple, opposite their LED, and it would be integrated into their systems.

The hard part of Liana’s job had not only been finding the RK800 model’s base codes, but also working with her software team to actually make a dependable subroutine. The AI techs at Cyberlife did not make her life easy, and while that was their job, Liana couldn’t help but hold a grudge against the coding team for making her take longer than she should’ve.

Although, time-wise, the only thing at stake was Liana’s ever-thinning sanity.

All she needed to do now was to get Connor to wear them and then the rest would follow.

The truth is self-evident, if one is able to remember it.

Connor saw her waiting long before they were in speaking distance. The warehouse androids got there first, swarming the street around Liana, pulling down the barriers of the Recall Center and setting their brethren free. The sound of crunching metal was music to her ears. She leaned back on the brick, trying to appear as casual and non-threatening as possible.

Connor, however, had other ideas, and stalked towards her, head down, eyes dark and fists loosely clenched at his side. Boy was he pissed.

He was always unhappy to see her after Markus died.

“Where are the others? What happened?” He was using his interrogation voice, deliberately standing too close, looming over her smaller frame to intimidate an answer out of her. So much for that whole trusting her thing Liana was hoping for. She took a deep breath, trying to remind herself that this was Connor, and she gently pushed him away with one hand. While he was displeased, he took the hint and withdrew slightly, thank fuck. He made her nervous when he was like that. Her lungs burned again with bad memories.

She rung her hands together and steeled her nerves. “Perkins shot them. I was keeping watch on the roof,” She couldn’t meet his eyes, the intensity in his stare too much for her right then. “Even with warning, there were too many soldiers for them. Josh told me to stay put even if something went wrong. Figured if they were dying I shouldn’t go with them.” Josh was unnerved by the thought of someone dying for a cause not their own, even if they were willing. Plus, she really disliked being shot, so she didn’t exactly insist. Besides, the mission was more important than Jericho at this point, unfortunately.

Connor wasn’t any happier with her, but he understood the logic all too well, and knowing Markus and Josh, it was as likely an explanation as any.

“And how did you know what would happen at Cyberlife tower? How do I know you’re not working for them?”

Liana barked out a very inappropriate laugh despite herself. “‘Cus they fucking shot me!” She shook her head, sighing. “More than once, actually.” She looked back at Connor, guessing correctly that he would be wearing a bewildered expression. “They kinda suck.” Liana shrugged at her understatement. “Although, I have found out a thing or two in my campaign against the evil corporate overlords.” She held up the Silicon coding chip. “For one thing, I know that the Amanda program still has a direct link to your head, and since they know you’re working against them, they are going to try to hack you.” She looked him dead in the (very nice looking) eyes just so he would understand how serious she was - how much hinged on him believing her. He was wary enough of the company that she hoped he would believe her. “Now, you could take the chance to find Kamski’s emergency exit from the Zen Garden Program, or you can take this.”

She took his hand in hers and placed the chip in his palm. “It deactivates the Amanda AI, so even if Cyberlife tries to make a connection it won't go through. You don’t have to trust me on this but…” she looked at her watch. 11:29 PM. “You have three minutes until they try to take over your program and assume control of the android rebellion. You can comb through that program in less than a few seconds to see if I’m telling the truth.”

Connor’s LED went solid yellow for a few seconds, his expression blank and eyes glazing over as he processed the information. When he finished, it flashed red for a moment, before returning to a calming, stable blue. He pressed the code to his temple, letting it deactivate the proper AI subroutines. Liana smiled. Step One: complete. His gaze was focused as he searched her face, confused. “How… do you know all this, Lieutenant?”

Aw, the poor thing was used to knowing everything. She crossed her arms and leaned back on the wall, head resting on the brick so she could look at him properly. “You should just call me Liana. Hank and I won't know which one of us you're talking to if you call us both ‘Lieutenant’ all the time,” she gave a soft laugh. Connor was so formal all the time. “but as for me knowing things I shouldn’t? You should be able to figure that out on your own in a few hours, actually. If I told you right now there’s no way in hell you’d believe me, babe.” His LED blipped red again, but Liana wasn’t sure if it was because of confusion or being called ‘babe’ - from her experience, though, it was probably the pet name.

“You said the same thing at the church - that I wouldn’t believe the truth. I assure you, I’m running very low on explanations for how you know all this. I would be glad for any reasoning, however absurd.”

His expression had been steadily softening throughout the conversation until it reached the familiar puppy-dog look that Liana had sorely missed. It had been a while since she’s seen it in earnest. A bloom of warmth spread through her chest and she held back a smile, wary of confusing the poor android further. “Nah, Con, you’ll see for yourself what’s up. Meet me at the café down the block from the station. 9 o’clock on the morning of November 6th, alright? I’ll explain everything to you then.”

Connor’s LED flickered between red and yellow, and he shook his head. “That’s an entire year away, Lieu- Liana.” She just smiled at the use of her name, ignoring his protest, and presented Connor with the silver watch from her bag. Initiate step two.

“Congratulations on saving the day, Connor. I know you don’t need this to tell time, but I want you to have it. As thanks for putting the Cyberlife suits in their place.”

Connor stared at the gift, yellow blinking LED punctuating the ever-increasing silence between them. But slowly, he reached his hand out and took the watch, clipping it carefully around his left wrist. “Thank you. I’ve never received a gift before.” His voice was soft and Liana had to hold herself back again from hugging him. It was almost too much for her heart to handle.

Breathe in.

Breath out.

Focus.

She smiled gently, finishing the conversation. “I’m glad to give it, Con,” She turned her attention to the androids milling about around them and let out a chuckle. “You should probably talk to them, though, too.” He held her gaze for a moment longer, and turned away.

Suddenly, the spell over the two was broken, and Connor was back among the sea of robots around them. Step Two: complete.

As she watched him take the stage and begin his speech to the mass of machines, the clock turned over.

11:36 PM

and then they were both gone

Tags: @rk800downloading

[fraddit]

My recent experience with depression, anxiety, and ADHD

I figured I would make a post about this, because I know that at least a few of my mutuals are dealing with some or all of these things themselves and might find this helpful.  Who knows?  Very long, very personal, but mostly positive post under the cut.  Like, really, more information than you probably ever wanted to know about me and my problems.  Proceed, if you feel so inclined.

First, a brief history, for context.  Throughout elementary and high school, I consistently scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests.  Then, I almost flunked out of high school, barely got my diploma, took a year off, and started art school college for an animation English degree.  I was going to write novels.  After a year or two of that, I decided I could write without a degree, so I dropped out.  What followed was a decade of several strangely varied and unrelated jobs and no novel writing. Working a stable corporate gig while not accomplishing (or even pursuing) any of my personal creative goals was DESTROYING MY SOUL.  So, I quit my job to become a full-time student and finish my degree, because at least that was kind of in the same universe as actually being creative.  And now, a year or two later, here I am, 32 and a few semesters away from finally finishing that English degree.  Clearly brains won’t get you everywhere kids.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and was on some form of medication until sometime in high school, when I decided I didn’t want to take it anymore, for reasons I won’t bother getting into.  It never occurred to me to even consider medication again until this semester, when everything fell apart.

ADHD can impact a person in a multitude of ways.  For me, the biggest impact is probably executive function issues.  I can wander through the garden of my ideas all day long.  I cannot make myself sit down and do work, no matter how much I may want to.  For personal goals, that means a literal solid decade of zero accomplishment.  For school, that means procrastinating papers until the night before or morning of or sometimes even two weeks late, on the night before the professor has to turn in their grades.  And the level of personal effort it took to make myself write that two-week-late paper was herculean in measure, when it really should not have been.

I’ve since learned that many professionals suspect this very common procrastination habit of ADHD folks is actually a kind of self-medicating by way of adrenaline via stress response.  Which sounds entirely plausible to me, because every semester since I’ve been back at school, I’ve found myself pushing the risky boundaries of procrastination further and further, like a drug addict needing a higher dose to get a fix.  A very unsustainable and unhappy process all around.

Which brings me to this semester, when the wheels finally fell off the car, and one of the campus psychologists found me crying on a bench outside the counseling center because they were closed for lunch and meetings, and I didn’t know where else to go.  I couldn’t do any of my homework, was crying every day, and having panic attacks.  To put it simply, I was a fucking mess.

I made more appointments at the counseling center, I spoke with my professors about what I was going through (hello more panic attacks), and for the first time in over a decade, I remembered that there are medications I should maybe try, and I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist at the campus medical clinic.  (Also, guys, if any of you are students, look into your campus resources.  There’s support for everything at my school.  There’s even an office that’s only there to help guide students to all the other support options.  Seriously, mental health, child care, food, housing, you name it.  Get the help you need.)

When I explained everything I had been going through, the very nice psychiatrist at the clinic told me, with an unsettling degree of alarm in her voice, that I was “deeply depressed”. Which, I knew, but she really sounded shockingly concerned.  And it’s like, jeeze, I maybe didn’t realize just how bad things had gotten, because I was just living with this shit every day, so it was kind of ‘normal’ for me.

Anyway, she agreed to start me on meds for my ADHD.  The one I’ve been taking is called Vyvanse.  I started on the lowest dose and have been gradually increasing.  A month in, I’m at a dose where I can clearly tell a difference, and it’s having a noticeable impact.  I wrote a meta yesterday.  I was thinking the thoughts, and just sat down and wrote it.  This morning, I got up and wrote some more, just notes for future things to do, but I did it.  Fuck, I’m writing this fucking thing right now.

I thought that maybe I should write this shit out, and it took a little while sitting and getting my momentum going, but now I’ve written 800 1300 1650 words.  And I’m sitting here actually crying as I type this paragraph, because this small little thing is like the biggest fucking thing in my life.

I don’t have any way to accurately explain what a big deal it is for me to have actively decided to write something and then to have actually actively produced content of my own volition and design, that wasn’t assigned to me and didn’t have a due date or a grade attached.  And, that I’ve done it repeatedly now…

OVER TEN YEARS.  Over ten years I went, writing almost nothing. Might as well have been zero words. Guys, I’ve been walking around with a trilogy of speculative fiction novels in my head for over ten years, I’ve been planning another unrelated novel for the last two.  I’ve been planning something like 30 fanfics, across two fandoms, and another 20 metas for the past year.  Part of me probably assumed feared that none of that would ever see the light of day. But now, it suddenly feels like maybe I’ll actually manage to write some of it.  And I’m hoping like fuck that it’s not just a fluke.

Now, the ADHD meds aren’t the only thing I’ve been doing to contribute to this ‘good place’ I’m in currently.  I’ve been going to counseling.  Apparently, I have a lot of negative feelings about myself and my inability to accomplish jack shit for a whole decade.  Who would’ve guessed?  I also have weekly sessions with the disabilities accessibility team at my university to work on external methods for dealing with my executive function issues. (Again, if you’re a student, utilize your university resources.  You’re already paying for them with tuition.)  And, this is obviously not an option for everyone, but even before I started the ADHD meds, I took advantage of the fact that I live in a state where certain botanical products are easily and legally available and found a brand of gummies that really help with my anxiety and panic attacks.  (They’re high cbd, low thc, so calming and don’t make you high.)

So far, the meds aren’t 100% sunshine and rainbows.  With the dose I’m at right now, where I’ve been Getting Things Done, I can actively feel the drug, which is… not the greatest.  I feel jittery, vaguely anxious, like I’ve drank way too much coffee but worse.  And, the decreased appetite is something I really have to be vigilant about, because I don’t have any room to lose weight.  These were both known possible side effects of stimulant meds, so I wasn’t surprised, and perhaps the doctor and I will be able to fine tune the dosing or try another med or something.  But right now, I think I’m really leaning toward, I’ll put up with the side effects, because holy shit, I can finally actually do what I want to do.  Also, I think (and Nice Doctor Lady thinks) the new higher dose is having a positive, stabilizing impact on my mood.

I guess my reason for writing all of this, other than pure catharsis, is to say, if you’re dealing with shit like this, try to be willing to consider all your options.  For whatever reason, I didn’t think about trying medication for my condition.  It wasn’t even like I was anti-meds or something.  I just didn’t even think about it.  Not until a few months back, when I sent a random ask to an ADHD blog on here, asking how they managed to make themselves write, and they responded with I had to get medication.  Suddenly, it was like… why have I not been considering this option?  So, this story is for anyone else out there that maybe also hadn’t thought to consider this option.

And really, not just the medication.  I’m a hide behind walls, overly independent, do things on my own, never ask for help sort of person.  But, I guess I finally reached a level of desperation where I was like, Clearly, doing this by myself, my way, has not gotten me the results I want.  So, fuck it, I’m going to ask for help from every professional available to me.  Which, I’m very lucky, and currently have ready access to multiple resources in a way not everyone does, but being open to getting this much assistance is very new territory for me.

I’m not really sure how best to wrap this up.  If anyone actually read all of this, I’m astonished and… Hi, I guess?  You really know quite a bit about me now.  Hopefully, I haven’t scared anyone off.  And, if anybody has further questions about any of this or you want to talk about your own issues, I’m sincerely available for that. I think the world we live in today makes it too easy to feel completely alone, even when you’re surrounded by people, and I’m here for chats, if you need it.

[fyzil]

2020

#Whirlwind of emotions. #Ups and downs, #highs and lows, #dips and valleys, #tough moments, #JOY of fatherhood, #emotional wreck, #trough of sorrow, #points of uncertainty, #desire to do better - to have what i haven’t had by doing what i hadn’t done, #falling forward.

2017 -I have been here before, a moment of zero fulfilment, of depression, being less of myself, difficulty and challenges. I rose from it, I grew from it, I had faith, i wasn’t discouraged, i never held back, i gave it everything i had, i flourished and blossomed again, I conquered. 

2020 - I hit my deepest lows, i got hit again and again and again, but i will RISE UP LIKE THE WARRIOR I AM, i am responsible for my happiness, I will get it.

Desires, Passion, Quitting, Resentment, Hardship.

I wont stop, I wont quit, I wont cave... I would succeed, I would accomplish, I would keep trying, I would get what i never had by doing something i never did. We’ve been here before. I have been successful in my own way which reminds me that... I am a Warrior, my mind is tougher than I believe, I am smarter than i give myself credit for, I am on a path to accomplishment, I am a winner. Note to me - Keep scrapping, keep working hard. You don't have to impress anyone but you. Now is the time to build. Fold your sleeves up, get your hands dirty, pray to God for direction and guidance and you'll reap and enjoy the fruits soon, keep going and don't look back. You don't have to worry or hurry to live the dream, it's coming, at its time - The right time. Jul 03, 2020. Hafiz The biggest challenge working on an idea in these early days is the wavering thoughts and emotions of whether it’s going to be a success or failure. One minute I feel sure and boisterous about it all, another minute I am in so much doubt I loose all the energy and desire to even do anything about it. I remain unflappable and will keep bursting my ass to get it off the ground and see it through to immense success. It’s so tough glueing all the pieces needed together but we won’t back down. We evade roadblocks not turn back. Jul 13,2020. Hafiz 

Don’t be afraid to fail big, dream big, dream without goals are just dreams. 

I have seen a pattern in my growth over the last decade. In 2011, i devoted myself to making a 2:1 and better grades. By 2012, i achieved the latter a lot but it became clear I wouldn’t be able to graduate with the grades i wanted. I took all my efforts and channeled it into programming, studying entrepreneurship, networking and creating good relationships at CCHub and also getting mentored by a Google Engineer - Toki. I abandoned school. I never attended classes, was highly anti-social and only wore tracks all through - I was done on the inside. My ultimate aim was to get into Huawei, to be hired as a software prodigy. All the programming, extra hours and tough moments learning Data Structures and Algorithm paid off. All the dedication and devotion paid off. Huawei welcomed a whiz kid. It was no mean feat... Alhamdulilah!   In 2013, the year i got my famous scars, the year i spread myself so so thin, worked my tail off at Huawei. I needed to prove i was more than hype, that i was the real deal - I DID. Colleagues, bosses, and peers were amazed at the prospects i demonstrated. I got stifled by the new HR who didn’t understand why i was so celebrated. I was super anti-social again as all i did was focus on performing my best to seal my role as a Solutions Architect - The first time a college grad will be hired straight to a senior role. Unfortunately I wasn’t given the role officially but i kept performing and excelling while functioning at it. In 2015, the year i grew balls. I found out that i didn’t want to live on salaries and the pennies Segun and I squared from small side gigs with Solar89digital. It was time to play amongst the big boys. It was a moonshot but with a lot of zest, 5X tenacity, we landed a fantastic gig with the Government. It burnt us out but we learnt a lot and made a lot of money - millions. Made my first million and more. Moved into a very big apartment, got a land, travelled to SA and became Product Management Certified, enrolled into Edinburgh’s MBA programme, and picked up my first car from home - A Mistibushi Gallant. Did all these by being super anti-social, focused only on the things i wanted to achieve and grew tremendously in belief, wisdom and experience. In 2018, after just getting married, i knew i didn’t want to be stuck working an IT job in a law firm. In the previous year, i was fired by Huawei for refusing to come to work. My brother connected me to the Job to get me back on my feet. I did get married on the job and was able to put myself together.  However I believed I was better than staying on it - my gut feeling and my soul knew, I just had to prove to myself. Interviewed with NIBSS, Mainone, Andela, Paystack, etc. I finally did great at Interswitch but eventually got sent to Arca/Clane by them. So much joy through the internal hardship of self-doubt and the What ifs. A lot of reflection into my achievements in the previous 5 years and how it would all have culminated into working as an IT guy in a law firm? NO NO NO. Glad i was able to make a switch back into proper Corporate work after a 1 year hiatus. Was humble though and learnt a lot through it all. I did what i needed to do to get what i wanted but then I had to move on from it. Great place to work though. Learnt about foreign culture and human interaction.

2018 further sharpened my mind. I shifted my mindset to how I can test my mettle on an international scale. I started to look out for opportunities in diaspora and this was another moment of digging deep again. I wanted nothing but such move. I was desperate and I wanted it so bad. It however took over 100+ applications, 25+ interviews, and 3 final stage rejections to land at PayJoy. Bottom line, I’m a 100% all-in guy once I’m gunning for something. I don’t fear neither do I frail. My mind is stronger than my body and my brain is blessed to have me to try to make the best of it always. Along those lines, i had a stint at a Big name company to make my resume look good, but we eventually landed where we wanted. This is 2020. Another year of intense growth. I’ve been here before, how hard, tough and painful it feels when expanding, stretching my limits and going to territories I have never been before. I know this feeling, I can tap into this mindset, and now it’s activated - Full Mode. With God on my side, I’m willed, I’m powerful, I’m grateful, I’m tenacious and I won’t stop till the desired accomplishments are achieved. Stepping into 2020, we knew this is what we’d have to go through, and we were ready. Mabrouk came along and there came extra motivation being a father. Yes it comes with a lot of erring and downsides - being Anti-social, excessively private and unwavering in my cause, It’s just how i know best to do it. It’s how i have got results before and it has worked many many many times over and over and over again for me - Why change or break it? I have been locked up in a jail (my house) for the past 3 months, grinding out myself to execute on my entrepreneurship quest. I haven’t stopped thinking about it for a second and i have possibly researched the most in my entire life these last months - even paid for and conducted a lot of research. This is the year it starts and we have to throw the kitchen sink at it if need be.

I am not in a hurry to do the flashy things like getting an exotic car, buying extravagant things. I’ve the money but there is no rush because these things will come whether i want it or not. The money for it will come in abundance and i would even be tired of it and start doing a lot of charity. 

I will keep on going till i see my objectives to fruition, no backing down from it, no anxieties. At the end, i would either be a very successful entrepreneur or a failed founder with a lot of experience that can be used to pursue another challenge or company with an even bigger purpose and ambition. I would not have wasted the time. All i will keep doing is “Rinse and Repeat” and if i unfortunately never become that successful business man, in a few years or within a decade, i’d have enough knowledge from all my experiences to be a mentor, a coach or a consultant, which would then make me a lot of money regardless which i can conveniently use for my kids as they grow or live the comfortable life. As far as I see it, there’s no loosing embarking on this mission - Only winning.

More pain, daunting task ahead as we keep Vysend moving forward. Blessed to have Valentina Valencia in our corner. She’s remarkable, pushing the living day light out of us. Had a session on roadmapping and focus before we speak to Sebastian from Seedstars tomorrow. We keep pushing

Aug 11,2020 11:56PM

[alexanderwrites]

Hack Job: Why Were Hacker Movies Ever A Thing?

Lately i’ve been thinking about that weird and almost completely failed subgenre of movie that attempted to light up the LCD screens of our hearts, but instead faded like a broken computer screen: the hacker film. Now, I could ask what good the sub-genre has ever done for us, but the answer to that is clear and just a few inches above this block of text. The genre birthed this iconic Matthew Lillard role from the movie Hackers, in which he plays a (wait for it!) hacker named...erm...Cereal Killer. Because....he likes Cereal? Sure, lets go with that! He’s a character described by June Diane Raphael on an episode of the podcast How Did This Get Made? as “Disgusting”, and she is not completely wrong. He is disgusting, bizarre and the strangest character Lillard has played, and i’m including Shaggy in the live action Scooby Doo films. He’s a character that must be experienced, and once experienced, never forgotten. I mean - you’ve seen what he fucking looks like. 

But my point remains: outside of Cereal Killer (I am bolding his name because he is an Important Man), the genre has offered up very little to the world. I admittedly know nothing at all about hacking, and I don’t care at all about Hacking, like, i’d presume, 90% of people currently residing here on earth. But I cannot imagine that people who love Hacking (or Hacker Fuckers, if you will) queuing up to see Hackers, a film that thinks this is what the internet looks like:

Now, i’m no city-slickin’ mouse-clickin’ hacker, but I don’t think that’s what the internet looks like. I could be wrong, and character actor Fisher Stevens (I was about to write “beloved” character actor, but then I remembered Short Circuit) could be skating through a flashing pillar of internet right now. It’s a cool thought! Hackers came along in 1995, when future optimism was higher than it had been in years, as everyone believed the tech-bubble would never burst (spoiler alert: it did!) and that the new millennium would bring a world of positive changes and possibilities. The poor, innocent souls of 1995 could never have possibly imagined the true horrors waiting for them on the other side of the millennium...

But before Fred Durst became a thing in a hat that you had to look at, technology was booming, affordable and exciting. You got transparent Macs that allowed you to see through into the mechanical nonsense inside it. The new fangled e-mail gave us (I don’t know why i’m saying “us”. I was 3 years old in 1995. Babies don’t get emails) all the opportunity to open your email and then close it again as many times as you liked! So this is what producers saw when they started making movies like Hackers. They put their strongest marketing minds together and came up with “People got computers now. Make comPUTER FILM!”. Those wild bastards actually went and did it! And weirdly, Hackers was kinda ahead of its time. It might’ve been wildly inaccurate in almost every possible way, but it paved the way for a wave of (well, like 3) films. The Matrix wouldn’t be released for another 4 years, and Swordfish a further 2. If it did incite a trend, it was the only trend started by Director Iain Softley, his later film K-Pax tragically failing to kick start a new genre of films in which Kevin Spacey eats bananas with their skins still on.

Good stuff! Hackers does feel like a film that is unsure of whether it’s trying to replicate fads or start them off. I mean, characters rollerblade everywhere for no apparent reason in the film. That might be something Hackers do? I’ve never seen Mr Robot, so I cannot categorically say that Rami Malek doesn’t rollerblade his way around town like a Starlight Express extra who really hates computers. But I doubt it. So with the rollerblading, and the way....ugh...Cereal Killer dresses, it seems like the film is offering you up its own funky ideas that you could follow on from if you want to get murdered on the streets. Did its aesthetic style have influence? Was the game Jet Set Radio from 2000 and its rollerblading theme influenced at all by Hackers? Did Eminem see Johnny Lee Miller’s bleached blonde hair in the film (quick deeply important side note: his character is named Dade. DADE.) and think “huh. that would really compliment my insufferable personality!”? We’ll never know. The film is a weird exercise in style and trends, and the soundtrack, crammed with The Prodidgy and Underworld, is proof that at least the soundtrack department had its finger on the pulse. And, it could be argued that the film’s costume department at least came up with some creative cyber-punk clothing, and were bold enough to make Penn Jillette look like this:

The thing is, I liked the weirdness of it all, I like this misfires in capturing modern life, and inaccuracy doesn’t bother me really if a film is fun enough. I’m not a stickler for realism. I didn’t sit down to Face/Off and complain that it’s totally unbelievable that John Travolta is a human person. That’s not the issue. The issue, really is that with all the giant screen Playstations, pounding trance tracks and references to Coca Cola (weird, I thought Mountain Dew would be the Hacker’s choice), the film is in troubled water because of the fact that Hacking is unbelievably, deeply fucking boring. It is not interesting in seeing someone go clickety clack on a keyboard and make occasional faces to indicate that “oh no! the mainframe is busting my chops!” or “Huzzah! I clicked the mouse really fast just now!”.

Thankfully, the film has some fairly decent editing which intersperses the clickety-clacking with some long exposure, sped up shots of New York City just in case you forgot it was the 90′s. The fact that they need to cut away to exciting, zooming shots that have nothing to do with anything highlights the fact that the Director and Editor knew exactly what i’m talking about: HACKING IS FUCKING BORING (if you’re a hacker reading this, please don’t hack me). And they’ve built an entire film around it! A whole nonsensical plot which involves (as far as i can remember) big ships and evil corporations that want to sink the big ships is built on Hacking. Thank god this film is so wildly ridiculous, which keeps it from being entirely boring. It’s smart in that it knows to not make the film actually about hacking, but then you kind of ask yourself the question: why is this film about Hacking at all? Why is it called Hackers? Maybe a better name would’ve been ‘Bladin’ Teenz’, as an ode to their endless rollerblading. It’s a fun film, but a dumb film and proof that films entirely about hacking cannot really work.

The Matrix was a wise film. Exploiting that hip, late-90s techno excitement that everyone was buzzing over, it featured a hacker at its centre who really doesn’t do much hacking at all. In fact, Morpheus might as well have said “You Hack? Dude fucking grow up. Come on, i’ll make you a treat”. Sure, you’ve got the iconic green gibberish that turns up on the computers and would inspire a million shitty screensavers, but again the hacking is intercut with other action going on in the film. You have characters typing away and yelling shit like “I’m nearly in!” or “i’m not nearly in!” or “I am unsure of whether I am, in fact, in, nearly in, or not nearly in!”. But that is manageable and minimal, and in the end there’s so much more to remember about The Matrix that I don’t think anyone, when asked what it’s about, would say “Oh it’s about Keanu Reeves hacking on his dell”. It understood this caveat, and created its own style which would influence every single music video ever produced over the next 5 years.

These are screenshots from the video for Don’t Wanna Let You Go by 5ive, a very bad UK Boy-band that had 4 singers and 1 rapper, all of whom it’s safe to assume have passed away. 

The Matrix had the style, and the smarts to sidestep bland hacking scenes. You know what film doesn’t understand that hacking is boring? Fucking Swordfish.

Fucking Swordfish. A film so aesthetically ugly and repulsive in every way that it does the unthinkable and makes you hate Hugh Jackman. But it commits the biggest sin of all by giving John Travolta a teeny tiny beard - a decision which we still feel the fallout from today, whenever a new red carpet photo arrises of John’s new chin abomination. 

Looking like a cup of concentrated Michael Bay piss, the film leans heavily into stylishness - or lack thereof. Hugh Jackman is basically...sigh...DADE in the movie, and Travolta is regularly outfitted with funny sunglasses. It borrows a lot from Hackers, but while that had a naive, 1995 goofy charm, Swordfish is an aggressively stupid and oblivious movie, that gives us a LOT of Hacking. Like...so much Hacking. The Most Hacking. Oh, The Fucking Hacking. Its a reminder of just how boring Hackers or The Matrix could’ve been if they’d fallen into the wrong hands, and a big, horribly colour-corrected reminder that films about hacking really aren’t the best. Instead of cutaways of cityscapes, Swordfish tries to build the tension during one hacking scene in the grossest way possible: by having Hugh Jackman’s character receive forced fellatio while he works, and while John Travolta smiles. It doesn’t make a boring scene exciting, it makes a boring scene fucking disgusting (the movie’s grossness doesn’t stop there. Halle Berry was heavily pushed into taking her top off in the movie, and promised extra money if she did it.). The Hackers method of randomised cutaways feels a million miles away during these scenes, and you will be willing to pay any earthly sum to make the scene unfolding in front of you stop. Maybe that’s how hackers should make their money from here on in: stop hacking, and just start blackmailing people by forcing them to watch Swordfish. Fucking Swordfish.

The movie was also a bit of a death knell for a subgenre that never really took off. People realised “Oh, this is dull and crap to watch!” when it came to hacking, and technology moved on rapidly that there was a lot more to do with it than watch some guy slapping the keys of his iMac. I find it a really interesting subgenre to look back at, because i’m a huge fan of outdated technologies, fashion styles, turn of the millennium culture, and really quite poor films (besides The Matrix which holds up nicely). Hollywood has tried to make a manner of subjects interesting. Stock markets. Fishing. White people who buy zoos. Some work, some don’t, and it’s all about the way the subject is handled. Because of their reliance on technology, these hacking films feel so dated that maybe Hollywood doesn’t want to risk dipping its toes back into the cyberwaters again. I kind of hope they don’t, because I would literally rather never see a film again than have to even know that a film about Anonymous is being made. I don’t want an ‘edgy’ modern movie that’s made for Banksy to watch while he plunges his hands down his pants and goes to town. I want silly old Cereal Killer and towers of nonsense computer language dammit! I want rollerblading, coke-drinking cyberpunks! Oh well. Whatever happens to the genre, at the very least, we’ll always have Dade and The Gang....

[leonum-matrem-blog]

DECLARATION/HEADCANON/THING

CERSEI AND HER CHILDREN: MODERN

        I have a large Modern built up, thanks to so much threads and discussions with @undauntedlioness, , @ @kingslaying , and @cerseilionesslannister and there is just so much to it that its become it’s own thing. So yeah, here is a modern adaption to how my Cersei is and her relationship with her modern kids are, (note I am not saying anything is set in stone. It’s just my general ideas grown from my own understanding from Cersei’s perspectives and how different everything is in modern.)

JOFFREY

       The one with the run of the house, as the first born of a heir of a literal family empire. On one half there is the Lannister Corporation and the other the Baratheon Administration, (details of such companies will come at a later date; essentially with both families they own the world. Especially what with the modernized taking and fall of the the Targaryen Administrative Empire.) [term i just now pulled out of my ass. I’m just going to think that over a bit]. And with Joffrey, he is everything that Cersei wants her children to be. A prime example of someone who isn’t afraid to do what he needs to do, ruthless in his intentions, and heedless in his actions.

       As is in canon Joffrey is the only child in early life to have suffered from Robert’s abuses, I actually wrote a somewhat modern version of the moment he was struck by Robert HERE. A case of which prompted one of the most violent fights between Cersei and Robert. (as is their situations in modern, their fights are worse because unlike in Canon Cersei knows how to fight back more in canon. Despite being overwhelmed dramatically where strength is concerned its still a fight). 

       He is the cherished first born and because of the early abuses I’m sensing that Cersei is largely over protective of his emotional state. Often having to witness him still going through the mental abuse that Robert proceed to do every time he was drunk, and despite her best efforts to curb them and to defend him. There is still the undeniable anger present that Cersei knows all to well from her own wrath, and she would do anything and everything to protect her once jolly little one.

MYRCELLA

      Very much her Mother’s daughter, and by that I mean that there moment that these two aren’t having an emotional dispute, they’re arguing. In modern Myrcella is a second child to have suffered a strike from Robert. (as decided with one of my threads with the wonderful @undauntedlioness ). A single moment that Cersei had confirmed that Robert would die within the fortnight. (She had promised him that if he ever lay a hand on her children again she’d do it, and so she did.) Myrcella and Cersei still have conflicting views and one of the many arguments sprout from Myrcella just flat out speaking her mind against Cersei’s word.

      But these two are so very much protective of each other, like her siblings, she has not only suffered but have witnessed the said violent fights between Robert and Cersei. (events that could be hidden as they were younger, but became more and more noticeable as they aged). And it wasn’t long before pretending things were alright turned to downright questioning of her mother’s choice to stay within the same household as Robert.

      She is still so very protective of Tommen and that extends to Cersei’s push of Tommen into ambitions that follow suit in the footsteps of his elder brother. It is to her that Tommen runs when he feels too much like he is falling short, and it is Myrcella’s own wrath that clashes with Cersei’s. Regardless of which, everything is always out of love. Myrcella’s love and concern for Tommen, her concnern for Joffrey, and worry over her mother, and later on this extends to her feelings for the Martells when she is sent away. (which is something else entirely that these two will argue over.) And Cersei loves Myrcella for everything.

TOMMEN

        As in a practical family setting such as this. The youngest often feels like they’re over looked and in the shadows of the eldest. I suppose that would apply here too? Tommen is Cersei’s quiet child, he’s always been the quiet one. (having been her smallest boy, and had always been the one to wander around quietly with the company of his older sister.). Cersei wishes more than anything that he would step up and chase the ambitions that she wants him to pursue. Ushering him to cooperate more and interact more with his school, and business affairs he needs to learn to further expand the family ties that they have and need him to put his focus into.

       Cersei wants nothing more than for Tommen to grow up strong; she wants him to aspire and grow in a sense of achievements and his own name. He is a quiet soul that needs to be hardened that way he can face those that would use him. If she didn’t protect him and show him to be strong now, there is going to be someone out there that will not hesitate to hurt him and its something that Cersei tries her best to make sure doesn’t happen.

       Tommen is often a subject that Cersei and Myrcella will argue over. Myrcella, the ever loving sister, bringing to light how the pushed ambitions are bringing stress upon the youngest. And Cersei loves her baby boy, and always wants the best for him. Her intentions are only meant to harden him, because not everything is kittens and rainbows. (As much as she would see him forever in a state of happiness there are those who would tear it down for their own means.) And it is only Cersei’s intention to see that he is strong enough to defend himself when she is not there.

[nnhbdd-blog]

6. Empire of the Sun (Part 2)

“Oxford Education?” The named rang a bell. It was one of the multiple education centers that Budiwati and Angkasa received many complaints of due to employee negligence and corporate misconduct. 

She recalled approving a petition to deduct funding to Oxford Education as a penalty. She hadn’t realized that her decision would affect workers like the man sitting beside her. 

“Yes, I’ve heard of that center. Were you the only one laid off?” 

“Many others were.” He downed his drink, his face instantly scrunching up in bitterness. “Now we’re strewn all over, looking for jobs before our money runs out.” 

Feeling a sense of guilt, Budiwati downed her drink and took out her business card from her purse. “Here, take this.” 

He took the card and read its contents. His eyes immediately widened upon seeing her name engraved in gold on the card. “Oh my god- You’re- You’re-”

“I want you to gather those people who were laid off from Oxford Education and contact me. Make sure they get their resumes ready.” Budiwati slid a hundred dollar bill to Milo. “Take this, Milo. I’ll make a move now.” 

Realizing that there was a hundred dollar bill on the table, Milo’s jaw dropped. “Wait! Wati! I can’t take this!” 

“And I’m not taking it back! See you later, Milo!” 

The two men were left speechless from what had just happened. It was not a first for Budiwati to overpay her bill but it was not something that Milo was all to comfortable receiving. On the other hand, knowing that the Minister of Education herself was sitting beside him so casually at a bar seemed surreal to him. 

“Did that really just happen?” He pinched his cheeks and tried to slap himself awake. 

“You telling me you didn’t know who she was the entire time?” 

“I don’t expect a person like her to be casually hanging at a bar like this. Wouldn’t she have like bodyguards around her to protect her or something? She’s the Minister of Education for god sake!”

“Well a Minister of Education has her own life too, right? So long as she doesn’t stir up trouble, all is good.”

Back at his apartment, he kept on staring at the business card he received to the point where he doubted its legitimacy. How could someone of such high status be at a bar at all places? But then again, why wouldn’t they?

As per asked, he contacted all his work colleagues who were laid off. He anticipated that some would doubt him but when there is an open opportunity at desperate times, who wouldn’t take it? 

Days later, he contacted Budiwati through e-mail. 

They exchanged a few e-mails and prepared a date for all the laid off workers to attend a meeting at the Orion Edu Headquarters. They would have a chance to meet a minister at first hand. 

“Good morning everyone.” Budiwati greeted her audience. “I am sure you are all wondering why I have summoned you here. But fret not, it is nothing bad. In fact, I have some good news for you.

“Based on further investigation and the evidence we have towards Oxford Education Center, we have decided to terminate its operations indefinitely. We have also taken to note how all of you were affected when our board decided to cut down funds to the center. 

So, I have prepared a list of education centers all around the continent that are in need of educators. If you look at the EPads in front of you now, there are loads of choices to choose from. Each representative of the centers are here today to conduct spontaneous interviews with you. You all are limited to three choices but I can assure you that you will definitely be hired today.” 

The day was filled with educators running around from room to room to get their interviews done and as promised, each and everyone of them managed to land a job within the same day. Before leaving, the man from the bar went up to Budiwati’s office to express his gratitude. 

“Ms. Budiwati. If it had not been for you, all of us would not have the opportunity to teach again. Thank you so much. You really helped us all.” 

“She wouldn’t have been able to do it without me.” Angkasa interjected, entering the room. 

Being in the presence of two ministers overwhelmed him. He stood there dumbfounded, unable to think of anything else. 

“Angkasa, this is the man that I talked to you about.” Budiwati introduced. “His name is Agung.” 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Agung.” They shook hands. “My sister seems to have taken an interest on you. She wouldn’t keep quiet about you for days.” 

Budiwati shot a glare at Angkasa. Angkasa simply shrugged it off. “So, Mr. Agung, which education center hired you?” 

“Orion Academia.” He said with a proud smile. “It’s a place that I have been dreaming to go to as a student, now that I am able to go there as an educator only makes it better! I couldn’t have done it without the help of Ms. Budiwati.” 

Agung smiled at Budiwati, which instantly made her shy away. 

“I see... Orion Academia is close by. Do come by time to time, okay? I am sure Budiwati here would be delighted to see you.” Angkasa continued to tease. She knew from her bond with Budiwati that she had a little crush on Agung. In fact, who wouldn’t? Agung was a man with a face carved by God Himself. 

The twins headed over to Cahya’s house for dinner and Angkasa took the opportunity of bringing up the fact that Budiwati made friends with a man. 

“Do you think that he’s the one?” Cahya asked.

“I doubt so.” Budiwati pouted as she played with the one broccoli on her plate using her spoon. “But even if he is, he doesn’t look like a greedy man.” 

“If he’s our supposed husband, we’d stay locked up in the room for one whole month.” Angkasa’s spontaneous remark struck a nerve in Budiwati, causing her wine glass to crack instantly. “Woah, calm down. I was just joking. I wouldn’t marry him even if it kills me.” 

Cahya observed how Budiwati seemed protective when speaking of the man. She refused to reveal anymore details apart from his name and occupation, which further fueled his curiosity. He has never seen his youngest sister behave in such a way before, which prompted him to assume that she really had feelings for him. 

After dinner, Cahya pulled Budiwati aside and cast a spell on her so that her mind, body and soul would not be connected to Angkasa for a brief moment. Such a spell would instantly alert Angkasa that she could no longer feel her twin’s presence in her anymore. So he had to cut the conversation short. 

“This man that you’ve been talking about. You like him, don’t you?” 

Budiwati nodded. 

“Do you think he’s the one?”

“He doesn’t look like a man full of greed. It would be odd if he is.” 

“Are you planning to pursue anything with him?” 

“We’ve only went out for dinner once. But he wants to see me again.”

“You’re not answering my question.”

From a distance, they could hear Angkasa frantically calling for her name. Budiwati could feel her sister pulling her back, trying to patch the connection but Cahya’s spell was strong. 

“Yes. Yes! I want him. But I don’t want Angkasa to know about it. If she finds out that I am trying to get that man, she would want in to. Please brother...” She held his hands in hers, pleading him. “Don’t tell her.” 

 As strong as Cahya was, he could never truly stand in between his twin sisters. But when push comes to shove, he would be stronger than all his siblings and parents combined. 

“Don’t lead him on.” He advised. “You can go now.” 

As soon as Budiwati left the room, the spell dissipated and Angkasa was finally able to connect with Budiwati after a long five minutes of full on panic attack. 

“Wati! Where were you?!” When it came to losing a connection with her only twin, Angkasa would never be able to survive even a minute on her own. Since she has been living with the comfort of knowing that her sister was always there, the feeling of emptiness would throw her off into a panic frenzy. 

As much as they would fight, bicker, quarrel and argue, there was nothing else in the world that can replace her own twin sister. 

“Cahya wanted to talk to me.” 

“That jerk. He could have just asked me to step out. He didn’t have to make you disappear from me.” 

“Well...” Budiwati locked eyes with Cahya who was walking towards their direction. “It was something important.”

[aandresssolares-blog]

Jackie Robinson’s Life Advice

Jackie Robinson was always a problem.  Given his circumstances, he kind of had to be.   Robinson was the first black MLB player, an important figure in the Civil Rights movement, was in the Army, and a business executive.  He did amazing things with the life he had and made an impact on America. But what were his thoughts that were driving his actions? What were his philosophies on life and how did he view everything?  Well, for one to analyze another’s life one must look at their body of work and the legacy that they left behind.  With a painter one can view their paintings to get an idea of how he thought, or a musician’s music to get an idea of what’s in their head.  Jackie Robinson was not a conventional artist, however. One can’t just point out one of his art pieces and analyze it.   Robinson’s art was in the game of baseball and in the life he led, his actions and decisions leaving a legacy and story to be told.

           There’s one scene of Jacky Robinson that I think defines him and shows the type of person that he was throughout his life.   It’s the look of him going up to bat, in front of a crowd that mostly despises him, booing, yelling racial slurs, and yet still having the grace and composure to hit a baseball.  Hitting a baseball is hard, let’s not kid ourselves. I could barely hit a baseball if you pitched it to me in my backyard, let alone in the pros in front of thousands of people who want to see you fail.  But that is the person he was: graceful under pressure. That’s the type of person he needed to be in order to break the barriers that he did.  Had he messed up just once, had a scandal started a fight, anything, he would have been cast aside as just another example of why they were right to separate blacks and whites.  He was truly held to a different, higher standard and prided himself on living up to it not because he wanted to impress people, but to force people to take him and the African American race seriously.  Time and time again up until he died, he had to keep proving everybody wrong and that he belonged.  That in itself is an extremely admirable feat beyond the fact that he batted over .300 and was a skillfull player.  The amount of composure and quality of character that was required of him and successfully carried out is extremely cool. Being the first isn’t easy. In a sense, he had to be flawless back then so that black athletes like Kobe Bryant can get away with messing up today. Kobe was accused of sexual assault, and still people admire him and consider him one of the greatest athletes of all time.  Had Jackie done anything like that, his whole legacy would have been diminished and he would not have been nearly as influential.  That is something that I feel I will never fully understand or feel as a white man.  I will never have to worry about my actions as Robinson did, because I know that as a white man I can get away with more than he ever could in his era. “I cannot salute the flag; I know that I am a black man in a white world. In 1972, in 1947, at my birth in 1919, I know that I never had it made.”  That sums up his struggle pretty well.

           Robinson once said “I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me... All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.”  That trait is something that I admire and strive towards having.  Not caring what people think, but knowing at the end of the day they will see what I’ve accomplished and that they must have a certain level of respect towards me.  When Robinson went out on that field, he shut everybody up because at the end of the day, a homerun is a homerun regardless of your color.   Then again, I have not accomplished anything remotely close to what Jackie Robinson has accomplished.  I hope that that will change by the time I die and people can say I made an impact on the world.  As Jackie says “A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.”   I completely agree with this statement.  If someone were to live their life without living up to their potential and not touching anybody, then their life really did not have much  significance in my opinion.  It seems evident to me that Jackie wanted to have a meaningful life beyond baseball. He saw that at the end of the day, if he was only good in the sport then his impact will go no further than the stat sheet.  That’s why his struggle continued even after retiring and he kept on fighting for what he believed in.  He worked with Martin Luther King to further advance Civil Rights and was the first black vice president of a major American corporation. “The game of baseball is great, but the greatest thing is what you do after your career is over. " I believe that’s something that I, or anybody can learn from him.  In life, your fight is never over.  Just because you accomplished something doesn’t mean that you should hang up your hat and give up pushing forward.  In my case, I hope that I can stay innovative and accomplishing things even into my last years.  Because truly, I believe that resigning your life and to stop being interesting is what being “old” really is.  One can be physically old, but if they still live an active life and seek new experiences and personal growth, then they are mentally young in my eyes.  “ Life is not a spectator sport. If you're going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you're wasting your life.”

           Robinson was also as uncompromising a person as they come.  He was set out to carve his own path in life and was completely unwilling to let anybody get in the way.  When he was in the Army, he was arrested for refusing to not move to the back of the bus, and eventually had to be honorably discharged from the armed forces.  Yes, he pulled a Rosa Parks before Rosa Parks and not many people know about it.  It’s that type of rigid stubbornness that really allowed him to accomplish everything he did.  He could have easily given up in trying to enter MLB after the first couple of tries and accepted that he could never do it.  In fact, that is probably what most people would have done in his situation given how much pressure he was under. I know I’m guilty of giving up on things sometimes when they get hard. In reality, Jackie could have most likely accomplished anything simply because he put his heart and soul into everything he did. In college, he played and excelled in four varsity sports.  He could have played anything professionally but I believe he chose baseball because it was segregated and he knew he had the possibility of making a bigger impact on society there.   That’s the type of potential I see in myself and in everyone else.  I truly believe everyone can be a Jackie Robinson; everyone can be great.  We just need to awaken that inside of ourselves and put it into real actions in the world.  

           During one of the off-seasons, Robinson was asked if he thought the Yankees were prejudiced towards black people.  His answer: a blatant “Yes. There isn’t a single negro on the team… and very few in the entire farm system”.    This is just one example of how Robinson was an extremely outspoken person.  Many would argue at the time that he was in no position to speak his mind and that he should shut up and be grateful that he’s even playing.  Not so different from Trump’s remarks telling athletes to “shut up and dribble a basketball”.   This outspokenness is another important quality that I admire in Robinson.  I have always been one to speak my mind, whether it be something that people want to hear or not.  In my experience, stating the truth or what you are thinking will most likely lead to a better outcome than lying or staying quiet most of the time, even though the immediate effects may be negative.  For example, at a party the other day I told my friend that she had bad breath.  While she was offended and embarrassed at first, she went and fixed her breath and later thanked me for being honest.  In Robinson’s case, he would speak his mind and face immediate backlash some of the time.  A black man could not simply get away with insinuating that the Yankees were racist at that time. But over time, his words had an effect because they were real and honest.   That is the kind of life I feel we all should live, but we sometimes lack the bravery to do so.  

           In conclusion, Jackie Robinson was neither a perfect person nor the absolute model to which one should look up to for how to live.  But he is just one example of many great individuals who were able accomplish things and give meaning to their lives.  Studying these kinds of people is never a bad idea because they can either give you good advice on how to live, or point out their mistakes and show you how to avoid them.  At the end of the day, it’s all guidance that can point us in the right direction and help us be better human beings.

[philosophicalplantboy-blog]

Earthlings and Alternatives

Word Count: 1244

“Earthlings” is by no means an easy film to stomach, but it is an incredibly necessary one to watch. The grotesque movie depicts the harsh realities of animal treatment in today’s market system, with footage of people beating elephants and pigs as just a small example of the real life horrors documented. In an anthropocentric society where animals are regarded as mere tools, interchangeable with common household items whose only true purpose is to fulfill our needs, we often forget to consider what atrocities occur to give us such simple pleasures. So sets the stage for Shaun Monson’s 2005 documentary. Narrated by Joaquin Phoenix, “Earthlings” shows us how animal treatment has devolved from respectful to outright soul-stripping. One of the more fascinating features of the film is its ability to draw parallels between speciesism and racism, something that was met with some mixed responses from my fellow peers following the film’s end. To compare animal rights to those of the Jews in the Holocaust is definitely bold, and controversial. However I found the comparison as enlightening as it was shocking. As a deep ecologist, I do recognize that animals are entitled to some level of fair treatment, and also acknowledge that whatever rights they have to any semblance of a normal life is stripped without any regard or consideration. Evidence to support such an understanding of animal rights can be traced to findings within cognitive ethology, which according to The Encyclopedia of Environmental Ethics and Philosophy studies animal behavior to further support the fight for animals to be treated fairly due to their obvious abilities to interact and comprehend the world around them cognitively. The corporate system of factory farming is not only gross to watch, it's even more painful to imagine. By paralleling the treatment of animals to the treatment of humans, we are forced to consider the pain and suffering we allow to happen every day to millions of livestock. Just as the citizens who stood idly by as Jews and other minorities were stripped of their rights, we too are guilty participants of animal abuse by not doing anything about it while proactively contributing to it. After watching “Earthlings”, how can one possibly accept pet stores and puppy mills to continue to exist as they do? Even worse, how can we allow ourselves to purchase industry- produced meat knowing that animals are suspended upside down and painfully slaughtered while clearly in distress and pain? To even consider excusing our need for food as sufficient reason for factory farming when we have so many other means of creating food is both naive and selfish. In considering cognitive ethology, we can draw comparisons between animal and human development to recognize interspecies similarities that exist with how all organisms react to their environment. If we would not will a human to suffer at the magnitude of a concentration camp, who are we to bestow such similar punishment to undeserving animals?

A wonderful example of alternative means of creating food is the method of in-vitro meat as discussed in the short video “Meat the Future”. The film addressed that 10 billion animals a year in the US alone, according to the USDA, are killed for food. This number is echoed in the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) report, “The Welfare of Animals in the Meat, Egg, and Dairy Industries”; except it reports an additional billion animals are actually slaughtered to feed our country. Of that number, HSUS reports that 86 percent are birds, 116 million pigs and 35 million are cattle. Not only are these animals intelligent enough to be treated with far more respect, they also require an incredible amount of food and water to grow before slaughter, which puts only more serious strain on our environment. So what can we do to save these souls and still feed Americans? The answer lies in artificially grown meat. Rather than kill a cow to eat its meat, in-vitro meat utilizes the extraction of animal stem cells grown in labs to manufacture meat that is all muscle that requires far less energy, water and greenhouse emission to produce than raising entire animals. I find that this solution is much more logical than one such as moving animals back to smaller scale farms. While I can recognize the benefits to animal farming on a smaller scale such as no more need for antibiotics and a reduced number of livestock killed per year, it feels like a step back rather than a step further. I believe, as a deep ecologist, that the diversity of our planet is further enriched is we allow all living organisms to exist in ecosystems free of human interaction, since the quality of the individual species increases with what it is free to do as an active member of the greater sudo-organism that our planet. Another important thing to note is that while smaller scale farming does indeed reduce mistreatment of animals, who’s to say that every farm will treat all of its livestock the same as all other farms? Aside from this dilemma, the fact that in vitro meat requires so much less land, energy and food to produce makes it far more impactful in conserving the Earth’s resources.

Another equally necessary solution to solve America’s obsession with factory farmed foods is following the actions of Mercy for Animals and MTV in reaching out to the masses to wake them up from their glutinous slumber. In their Pro-Vegetarian Commercials, MCA and MTV combine tragic scenes of animals in abusive positions reminiscent of “Earthlings” with scenes of people purchasing the end result of their slaughter, only to be covered in the blood that they indirectly spill by contributing to an systemic yet barbarac system. What better way to reach the masses than to use our everyday media to focus us back to the overlooked events of the real world? By putting ourselves on a moral high ground over other living beings, we contribute to speciesism, showcasing our unfair actions within the biosphere of all living animals who possess some form of rationality even if is a sub-rationality. We can successfully call out the hypocrisy of our speciesism by following the example of MFA, MTV and the creators of “Earthlings” in reaching the minds of our younger, influential generations through media.

While I recognize that, as a meat eater myself who wears leather products and does not always check labels to ensure there were no animal tests, I am not one to be judge, jury and prosecutor in discussing the moral incorrectness of animal abuse to create daily goods, I do acknowledge my own failure to live up to the truly moral lifestyle that many others do. After this weeks’ readings and films though, I find myself believing that there is much more I can do to protest the injustice of animal shops, puppy mills and factory farms. My question is then, can we all truly advance our methods of meat manufacturing and goods synthesization to allow for animals to once again be treated with dignity and respect? Or are efforts to push for in vitro meat and vegetarianism fruitless due to the overwhelming dependence on mass food production and obsession with cheap meat within the states? Can in vitro meat really replace regular meat? Or will humans always prefer the real thing, regardless of the consequences? I ask myself these questions and leave them for time to tell.

[nicktungle]

Path [cont’d]

Blessings upon blessings, I can’t seem to keep up. Everything is I “can’t” this or that. Why do we think that way? Why is my mind specifically so wired to have the perspectives of can’t’s and won’t’s with the inability to process positivity when they slide up my stream? Anyways. I am trying to process all these things as they come and I believe that my vessel, my threshold, is constantly being changed, altered, tested--that is why we say “can’t.” Which is beautiful in itself with a little hint of somberness.  As I’ve mentioned before, I have been on a spiritual journey. The end goal? Who really knows, however, I feel as if the universe is constantly pushing me toward this path. No longer am I cautiously treading through this metaphorical tunnel with the light at the end of the tunnel. Rather, I am my light; no longer at a stride to escape, I am slowly pacing with the ability to see the things--blessings, curses, inanimate objects within arms-length radius. To my left and right are my tools, behind me are the lessons learned, and in front of me--the rest of the path needed to be un/covered. One consistent theme, perhaps I may also be looking too much into it, or perhaps not. Infinite signs are given to us on the daily, it is only up to us to see the message and decipher its meaning, or to simply allow them to pass and not think twice about. What I am trying to say is that what I have chosen to understand about this path are these few instances that I may or may not be reading too deeply into. Enough with the vague dialogues, here are the events that I am going to list and continue to add to as the rest of this path unfolds. Signs of the universe nudging me onto my spiritual journey: 1. Aligning myself with myself allowed the universe to play its role and take over without any of my [direct] influence (subjective; by wavelengths) and pushed me into a world of spirituality to be experienced in 21 days--getting to know myself, my role in mother nature’s world, and the thresholds constrained by years of societal conditioning to be questioned and surpassed.

2. Through this experience, my wavelength crossed paths with meeting Vence. My homie, my spiritual brother, the person who had knowledge of this unexplainable feeling I’ve always had but to put into concrete terms and lessons to be learned and expressed. A week spent with Vence and Dean truly pushing each other to our limits and reaching a few of the highest peaks in California with little-to-no sleep and not only striding through them, but also taking moments, days, weeks to truly reflect upon each mountain and their effects on us physically, mentally, and spiritually. What did each of them mean to us? That week is probably one of my favorite weeks in my entire life. The duration of each climb building my heart and mind with so much energy and to be dispersed at each peak, whether through sweat, deep breaths inward and out, and/or tears. I’m not ashamed to cry at a mountain top. I’m not ashamed to cry tears of joy anywhere for that matter anymore. This was what it felt to truly feel.

3. Following these days, I was inspired once again by my spiritual brother to revisit The Alchemist. Nights spent reflecting upon our experiences, we constantly came back to figure out the goal: what is our purpose here? What is your personal legend? I think it is extremely important to once in a while revisit the things that have once inspired us because as we grow, so does our perspectives. With each visit, we notice other meanings within the same words we’ve read multiple times that take on different meanings, new perspectives that become relevant to who we are today, tomorrow, whenever and whatever it is that we were/are searching for in that moment. 4. Upon finishing The Alchemist, I was also recommended Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. The story of a man’s journey through “finding” enlightenment within the boundaries of mankind and our relationship with ego, greed, hunger, temptation. I brushed off the recommendation because I was still allowing Santiago’s story to set in. However, a few months later, another friend completely unexpected and unrelated once again nudged me to read the story of Siddhartha. So I did. And I’m glad I read it when I read it because only then was it that much more relevant to my days.

5. On a late-night conversation with my loving mom, I expressed to her the issues that I was dealing with--experiences no mother would want to hear from their child--depression, anxiety, hopelessness, distant. She hugged me tenderly. My eyes swelled with tears. She told me she too once felt the feelings I described. I love her, with all of my being, all of my soul, all of my energy beyond this physical plane. Upon completing Siddhartha, my mother summoned a book from her library, The Art of Happiness, a handbook graced by the Dalai Lama.  6. Months later, we all receive an email. The Dalai Lama himself will be speaking at the graduation ceremony of 2017. Coincidence? Maybe. Affected? Absolutely. 7. Every other day I feel like I am going through some type of existential crisis. Constantly wondering where I am going to be after this is all over, constantly questioning if I’ve made the ‘right’ career path, constantly engulfed by every insecurity going on through every early 20-year-old soon-to-be graduated college student during a quarter-life crisis. 

Which leads me to meeting Jumpei. At attempts to keep busy and work toward where I want to be--the considered “safe zone” in this capitalistic society, I study or research music and the various avenues to “succeed”. With my favorite coffee shop getting incredibly busy during this part of the season with college kids sprinkled everywhere, it has increasingly become difficult to find a seat nowadays. One table, in a row of individual tables aligned a long bench, was open, so immediately I sat down and began to construct my workstation. About a half hour into my studies, the Japanese kid in a flashy suit next to me asked what I was studying. Macroeconomics, I replied. “What is your dream”, he asked. Thinking to myself, “that’s a loaded question for a stranger, who is this guy?” I stopped and asked myself that question. Unable to come up with an answer, I was startled. Everybody has a dream. Kids have limitless dreams. Why can’t I think of even just one that can bring me some type of satisfaction? In a string of stutters and verbal circles, ‘I don’t know’ I defeatedly admitted. He said, “It’s okay, I didn’t know how to answer that either when I was asked.” And began describing what he is also trying to figure out in his own life as a recent college graduate. Apparently, he was currently under a mentorship of a couple who retired at 33 years old, who asked him the same question which made him come to realize his biggest fear: not knowing what his ideal life, his dream, was. They have been teaching him how to manage his income and helping him learn the foundations toward future endeavors to be able to do the same--knowledge of building assets, understanding investments, understanding fiscal responsibility, ultimately to become self-sustainable and financially secure. We shared stories. He offered to introduce me and also become students of them and gain some experience before entering the dreaded workforce under corporate america. We shared contact info. I thought to myself, well shit, my questions may have been answered. This may lead to a possible job or whatever the fuck after. Maybe I’m not shit out of luck after all.

8. After a night spent consumed in studies and metaphysical contemplations, I came home to my roommate and his co-workers hanging about in our living room, hookah smoke in the air and glass bottles on the counter. A few exchanges of good-natured banter and “locker-room” talk amongst all of us, I expected nothing but a night left with shallow humor and laughs. Never have I been so wrong. Iraj, the 47 year-old Iranian electrical engineer, began discussing the processes of energy--neither able to be created nor destroyed--and his understandings/perception of the process of how the universe works due to an epiphany from a weekend spent with mushrooms in his undergraduate days. The simple alteration of our minds and the way we perceived things, he said, is the greatest gift you can give yourself. The way he described to us his experiences and the revelations he experienced through years of meditation and introspective thoughts, stuck to me. He said to us, each of us, to the core, is love. Energy is love. We are not to seek or feel, but to be love. Love as an entity of its own, not to be mistaken with romance, we are it. Everyone is it. Neither able to be created nor destroyed, we as individuals and a collection are energy. We are love. And much much more. Furthering the archive of book recommendations, he threw more titles at us to read. I willfully accepted and thanked. 9. Sitting marinated in those thoughts for a few weeks, I continued to bask in all of these ideologies. I’ve come to understand that the fundamental purpose of life is to understand. To be. The purpose which drives us. The final goal of every conscious being on this planet is simply to be at peace. Monks have been practicing this ideology for ages. 10. Jumpei constantly kept me updated with the times he’d meet with Mike and his wife (I forgot her name), and continue to share what he’s learned from them, on top of his day job as a sales representative. 2/22, I met up with him for some coffee while I study for my next midterm and for him to teach me what he has been learning. It’s a simple change in the way we think as a collective, he stresses. The initial lesson began with asset building with settings of a monopolistic firm, proceeding to multiple firms of different depths and markets following the same constraints of a monopolistic firm basically alluding to multiple sources of income. That’s the key, Mike stresses. The atmosphere shifts and we begin conversing on other topics, again reflecting upon self-fulfillment. I come to find out that this money hungry dude is not just some money obsessed guy. Jumpei has an interesting background being from Japan with its intense societal structures and being raised by his grandparents owning a spiritual healing and crystal business. And that all of these money-making plans is just a game to him to break through and out of the system of capitalist consumerism. This kid in an extremely well-tailored suit and flashy watch admits all of this shit means nothing to him. Once, he was a free roaming, dreaded-haired spirit roaming through Thailand as a yogi doing all he can to align himself with the energies toward enlightenment. The same verses spoken by Iraj, the 47 year old electrical engineer. At this point, my mind was spinning, as I shared the same sentiments. The universe works in some fucking incredible ways. He said, look man, I believe we both run on the same vibrations and the universe has united us as indigo beings to question this threshold and increase these wavelengths to higher heights. He believes it’s not a coincidence I sat by him that day and he felt that. We’re spiritual brothers, he continued. That’s why I want to share these things I’m learning with you. There’s more work to be done outside of this game. I laughed to myself as my chest began to tremble nervously and eagerly simultaneously. As for myself, I’m all for skepticism when it comes to crystal healings and whatnot, but I do believe in spiritual connections and magnetic draws in our vibrations. This path I have set upon, fully allowing the universe to take me toward whichever direction, following the omens as Santiago did, questioning but also trusting in myself as Siddhartha has, has led me to this point. I’m on a spiritual journey, who knows where it is heading toward, but I take it all in. And I’m treading these waters carefully, cautiously, and willfully. The metaphorical tunnel I am leading, what I’ve come to understand as, is no test with a light at the end. But rather an unlit road with myself being my light, only able to see an arm-lengths radius surrounding me, but becoming increasingly brighter as I recruit others and awaken them along the path to join with their respective lights becoming a brighter force and shining further to see more of our perimeter as we continue further. [tl;dr] My trip towards enlightenment [influenced out of my control]: 1. I let go and ended up going on a road trip that i didn't suggest nor plan but pushed me onto a path of spirituality unknowingly. 2. Met Vence and Dean and increased my knowledge and understanding of energy. 3. Revisited The Alchemist that allowed me to reflect internally what I believe my purpose to be 4. Read Siddhartha after multiple recommendations which helped me understand what it means to become enlightened and question myself on what it means to me 5. Allowed myself to be vulnerable with my mother about my inner demons, which she suggested a new read by the Dalai Lama 6. Months later finding out the Dalai Lama will be speaking at our commencement ceremony 7. Met Jumpei, what I perceived at the time to be a business connection 8. Learned from Iraj, a 47 year old electrical engineer who used his understanding of physics and applied them to meta-physics and shared with us his thoughts toward enlightenment 9. Grasped the multiple concepts and marinated in thought introspectively to what it means to me and how it is incorporated into everyday life 10. Met with Jumpei once again on a business meeting and learning he too, has been traveling his spiritual journey for years with a background heavily influenced by yogi and meditation. Indigo Children. Spiritual brothers, is what he refers us to be. Find peace. Seek happiness. Become love. My friends, take it all in. Much love to you all.