#and dad wants the house to be clean
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Currently hiding from the bizarre clean-everything mood dad is in by going to meet a friend an hour earlier than the actual meet-up time
I am an adult
#kite rambles#mom is finally coming back from helping sis after the transplant#and dad wants the house to be clean#makes sense#but he cleans like this once maybe every five years and it's a little too weird to witness#fortunately only one vacuum so i can't help with that anyway and I'm mainly responsible for my area#tried sweeping feathers and it went about as well as you'd expect
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Shoutout to my other fellow brave soldiers who were commandeered this morning when your mom woke up and decided the whole house needs to be stripped, scrubbed, vacuumed, mopped and washed because company is coming tomorrow and yes it’s going to take all day to get the house ready. I’m currently typing this from the broom closet, but i can hear a vacuum in the distance. Godspeed.
#textpost#the company in my case you ask? my sisters boyfriend. and his dad#the dad isn’t even staying overnight either#not on this but honorable mention: my mom wanted me to clean the fold out couch so my adult sisters boyfriend would have somewhere to sleep#I cannot make this up#thanksgiving eve is always hell in this house
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guys this "keeping myself busy with distractions so I don't get sad" thing isn't working
#my mom is basically scrubbing the house of all traces of her bc thats how she copes. thats what she did when dad died#like two days later she was cleaning out all his medical equipment and stuff#i guess thats a way of dealing with it :( just doesnt really work for me because it makes me feel their absence even harder#like for me i personally wanted to keep Dad's stuff around for a while because. idk i guess it just felt like he was still kind of there#in a way. i guess. i dunno#obviously losing a pet is easier to deal with than losing a parent but it still blows dude i hate this#(* a parent that you had a good relationship with. i know that im very fortunate in that regard. not everyone had that and i need to count#my blessings)#idk this feels harder than losing my childhood dog because jojo was basically my constant companion for the past several years#after dad died i got suicidally depressed and didnt leave the house and was unemployed for a good chunk of time and she kept me company#taking her for walks and hikes was the only thing i enjoyed doing and the only thing that got me out of the house. she was always there#(also there's probably some psychological component to the fact that we adopted her specifically to be a companion for dad#when he was wheelchair-bound and couldnt go anywhere. so she kept him company. and then after he died she did the same for me#so. idk. like.... i feel like theres something there lol)#mia.txt#animal death
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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Most of my sinus infection has cleared up besides the occasional cough and irritated throat but now this ear infection.... everything hurts can I please have a break before I have to go back to work just a day without pain so I can clean up my sicknest without feeling like ass
#i live with my parents but my mom is having a horrible flair up of RA so she's bedbound and can't help me at all and dad is the only one#the only one working atm so he's not doing anything besides that#its just a little frustrating because whenever mom is sick from her flare ups or if dad gets the sniffles im like#I'm like what can i do for you are you comfortable do you need anything can i make you food let me clean up etc#but when i go down for 3 days of being visibly miserable everything i ask is the world#ask dad to pick up my perscription but god forbid i ask him to do any other task on the way home that involves making 2 SEPARATE LOCATIONS#ita fine hes just. idk#plus mom has her RA flare up and idk#it just feels like nobody in this house is particularly sympathetic when im feeling miserable but im ALWAYS sympathetic when they are#the first 2 days i was doing nothing but sleeping or rolling in pain in my room and no one came to check in on me to see how i was doing#then yesterday my mom says shes taking us both into urgent care but leaves without me in the morning when i was too sick to wake up when she#called for me.#she was like I just really was in so much pain and you didnt get up and i wanted to go asap and i called you#anyway so because i was so sick i couldnt wake up i had to drive myself to urgent care which is also fine im a big boy#anyway. circumstances or whatever. im also real salty bc ive felt like shit for like 4 days
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i am too mentally exhausted to even deal with this shit anymore with my mom and grandma and low key wish i'd go comatose for a few years to be left alone tbh
#had a clean up service come by to see the damage and give a quote on the estimate and my grandma wasnt having it#she got upset and started crying to them about she has only 1 daughter and is trying to help her and they're trying to tell her that keepin#all that junk isn't gonna be helping anyone especially my mom but she wasn't getting it and i said i'm not helping clean the junk that's#all around the house cuz i'm tired of it all and having to manage my emotions since i am for sure emtotionally stunted from my childhood#and have to deal with a schitzophrenic mom and an absent sister who's balls deep in denial while i'm struggling to find a job here#and my grandma always stressing me ot saying she's gonna kick me out isn't fucking helping here at all like she thinks it does#so when they left she spent all day sobbing on the phone how i'm a terrible granddaughter who wants to throw out good stuff#when i'm not gonna keep helping sell shit for my mom cuz my sister can do it as her family contribution since she did nothing since dad die#and the thing is i gave them all options on clearing shit out cuz i know this family by now and shit doesn't get tossed but it migrates#cuz i said months ago i can ask some friends if they could come down and help sort and declutter#grandma said no to that and said she'll kick me out if i do it and she didn't want to pay for my mom's shit to get moved into a storage uni#she leaves the clean up to my mom and i think the backyard got worse but she didn't call anyone to throw out the junk like she threatened t#so i call a fucking hoarders clean up service cuz that's what my family is on my mom's side at this point and the city will be called too#and she has this reaction cries all day and calls everyone to say i'm horrible and yells at me saying i'm the one killing her with stress#when she's already been doing that for months to herself when i'm just tired and possibly mildly depressed or something idk#i barely leave my room and don't go outside except to walk my dog but idk cuz my family's attittude was we don't go to doctors cuz#cuz they're for crazy people but of course it's gotta switch up for my mom and no one else and i'm just sick of it all#grandma doesn't accept free help and she won't accept help that i pay for myself with my money set aside for school so i'm done#unlike her when i say i'll do something i stick to it so i'm not doing shit anymore unless i can call a friend to help with this mess#it's gonna sound like such a horrible thing but i can't wait for my family to die so i can live in a clean home again and get help#like deep serious help cleaning and big time grief councelling cuz i barely had time to process my dad's death and being the one to find hi#and that was just this february like god i am going to need so much fucking therapy in my future it's almost rediculous#and probably say screw my mom's side and visit my dad's side a lot more since they seem to be the normal ones in this shit family tree#at least they're not stupid and leave junk everywhere where one neighbour getting sick of not being able to sit outside and enjoy their yar#without mountains of junk staring them right in the face and landing a notice from the city to clean up especially since#we have chainlink fences and at least 7 neighbours can see the backyard and everyone can see the front porch when passing by#i'm just tired of living in these suffocating households and even wanna file a report myself to kick them into gear#its horrible living like this and no one should live surrounded by junk and things they never use or even garbage
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Having to explain to my mom that 5min crafts is a content farm/what that is. That sure they have some genuine hacks, but a lot are genuinely dangerous and bad
It's like I'm not trying to be the parent, but I've been on the internet daily since I was 9 years old and you respectively have only been on it for maybe 8 years? Consistently? And only on Facebook. Like man the shit I have seen has aged me a lot more mentally than I care to admit.
It's so hard too bc I know I should like a know it all/conspiracy freak when I tell her not to get a reddit bc she's gonna get sucked into a WS cult and get radicalized, or when I tell her Facebook reels is the same as tiktok. Which she has continuously forbade me to have since it came out (bc evil chinese company. It's okay when it's an evil American company though). That she needs to be careful and not just believe whatever she sees, but it's like for once I DO know more and I DO need to be the adult.
Like I remember having so many fucking talks to get her out of that SAVE THE CHILDREN shit and debunking the wayfair shit, and the Hillary Clinton shit, and all this shit. I constantly am telling her "nope that's antisemitism in disguise, heres why" ab stupid theories and shit and why they're harmful and it's like I want to fucking scream
Idk where I was going with this but like god I'm tired
#and she gets mad when im 'parenting' her and its like well then fucking use your brain!!! think before you share shit! ask questions!!!!#had to explain that the reason jfk had a diff coffin on air force one wasn't like a body swap but bc the first casket wasnt secured right#and the man was LEAKING in the fucking casket and they had to get a clean easier to transport one#that it was his family that didnt want it open not the gov like the man had half a fucking head at that point!! what did you expect?!#and then shes like well how do YOU know all this shit. how do you know YOURE right and Its like bc i check my sources?? bc i know how to??#bc i actually use my brain and dont sit in a digital echo chamber validating what i want to hear#thankfully we dont actually get fox in our house somehow (god probably) and we dont have cable so she cant watch fox & friends#but Facebook is it's own fucking up hill battle and it's like go back to playing 1010! and shit on your phone instead#and she stays on Facebook for that dopamine hit and its like i know you have adhd and your dr doesnt believe you but for godsake#i stg she's the reason my body hair is still turning white. it initially stated bc my dad was causing us so much fucking stress and then#it lessened a bit but now im finding more and more like my body is eating the pigment sgdgdgdgd#im gonna go gray by 35 i stg i have ONE white hair on my head and have gotten several on every part of my body like eyebrows and armpits ect#the funniest is leg hair like oh okay go grandpa#ANYWAYS im tired and i guess i needed to get this out#marquilla
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once again thinking about doing erasmus next year..... maybe i will actually commit
#my aunt this weekend basically begged me to leave my house and go on erasmus#i'd already been considering it so...#maybe austria? i know when i tell my parents my dad will push me to go to france. bc 'connection w aragon and all that'#but i kinda wanna put my years learning german to good use yknow. as much as austrian german is different from hochdeutsch n all that#i COULD also go to toulouse... i liked the city when i visited it. but my father knows ppl there. and i want like.#a clean slate where ppl dont know me (i say this as if i was a celebrity and its just that ppl know who my father and uncle are usually)#(so i keep getting compared to them (in their fields of study)) and i just want a break of all these comparisons i guess#xarraire
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#CALLED. OUT.#I personally didn’t find any of the other merch appealing except for the print#and they were charging more than I would spend for it#the Ghildo is legendary#ooc#usfw#but also like shit is still crazy and my aunt is being a fucking passive aggressive bitch who expects me to just know she wants me to help#clean my dads house#I don’t… think about those things. I’m autistic I have trouble picking up subtleties#you have to be direct w/ me#getting mad because I don’t magically read your mind#is wild#plus like… I told my family several times I was busy this week
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my parents house genuinely just makes me so sad
#and frustrates the crap out of me lol#my mom hates throwing away paper towels so if they’re ‘lightly used’ she just#leaves them crumpled on every surface for ‘later use’#every single empty container is kept even though they’re never used and there’s no room for them#the cups haven’t been replaced since at least 2016 cause I was here the last time they were#they’re all scuzzy and sticky like plastic is when it’s been washed too much#rotting fruits and veggies litter the counters#honestly I wish I could get them to decluttering but both my parents have that deep-seated Great Depression#leftover guilt about throwing anything away or not keeping anything#even if you don’t need it even if you don’t want it even if it would better suit someone else#even if it’s taking up all this room and you never actually use it for whatever you’re ‘saving it for’#mom fussed about clothes and shoes and books#but the siblings bedrooms are both clean and organized#and the rest of the house is a wreck#they need to take a stand on papers and garbage and unnecessary items#but they won’t and so the cycle will repeat#in a lot of ways my mom has gotten better but it still just makes me sad that they’re both this old and still can’t keep house#without it being agony for both or either of them#because dad remembers everything he’s ever owned and constantly demands them when he hasn’t known where they were since 1996#and blames everyone else for not being able to find His Thing#and how we /always/ take his stuff and he spent his whole life providing for us worthless people and we pay him back#by taking all his shit i guess#just cause we all love getting yelled at.#sigh.
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I fucking can’t today
#Im tired and overwhelmed and I’m so sick of being the only responsible person in my house#I can’t even do my fucking school work because my dog needs food made everyday and my mom said she would start it#so I could finish my math test#then 20 mins later my brothers banging in my door bc my dog needs to go out so I have to stop my test to do that#then I see the dog food hasn’t been started so I need to do that but I have to do the dishes to make that#so I do the dishes then I’m doing the food and my brothers getting food and getting in my way bc he just can’t wait 30 mins#and he leave shit all over the counter that I need so I have to clean up after him while making dog food#then I finally finish the dog food and I’m cleaning the dishes I used when my brother comes over and leaves more dirty dishes#one had shrimp in it and the butters all gross and the smell alone made me want to vomit but I had to clean it#and I’m almost done when my sister comes out and sad that my cat got in my room and killed one of my plants n got dirt everywhere#Plus my dad came home early so now my mom wants me to vacuum#oh and I have to go to the store with her whenever she decided she’s ready to make sure she gets what we need#I’m currently sitting in my bathroom trying to calm down because I’m gonna snap and either kill someone else or myself if I don’t get a#break#And I still need to finish my math test#screaming
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I’m alive btw just having no energy, stuff on my situation in the notes ig
#not ace culture#sascha speaks up#tw from here mentions of emotional abuse ig???#anyway I didn’t clean the house and my dad said the day before he’d drive me to see if I could get a job interview#he said he wouldn’t take me#and that I wouldn’t be allowed to use his name#if I wanted a job I’d need to find my own transportation#I have no money to my name except money that is in Eli’s home state and j can’t access that without downloading cash app and risking having#him find it#I have no driver’s license because technically my dad isn’t my legal guard it’s my grandpa and he lives in a different city#so I’m#screwed#I’m 17 with no job and I feel like a failure#because what kind of person fucks up right before getting a job interview#not to mention my dad said I would get fired in a few months anyway and that I’d ruin his reputation but it’s nothing personal#and now I’m being pressured to run away from home because oh yeah leaving my siblings behind when I’m eighteen isn’t damaging enough#I don’t know#I’ll figure it out#if I don’t snap and#ya know#*slicing motion against throat*#if I live that long I’ll cross that bridge ig#if you read this far down I’m sorry#it’s night for me so gn
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:(
#mm#not feeling good#my family had an impromptu talk about my sibs new job and it was. not good#bc if they move out we can't really afford the house anymore#bc dad wants to live closer to me#and i hate the feeling that my sib has to stay at a job they hate just bc dad wants to live near me#idk thats not really whats happening but#it feels like it#and were cleaning but not very well#if we had to sell the house im not even sure if were *able* to clean it enough to move out#sometimes the disability truly be disabling#idk. makes me sad about my mom#i dont know what would be different if she was here#i guess it doesnt really matter#the whole thing makes me feel like a useless and spoiled youngest child#idk. i hate hate hate the idea that im 'the favorite'#i just. i hate that#i dont WANT things to revolve around me i want things to be good for everyone#maybe its self centered to even think things are skewed toward me in the first place#but im really scared thats what my siblings think and it makes them feel bad#negative#vent
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*Me, writing up outlines and snippets for my shitty Mike Afton/Mike Schmidt movieverse ship*
My Traitorous Brain: but how horrible would it be if they met beforehand and were in an established relationship with serious feelings AND THEN everything in the movie goes down
#Mike trying to figure out if Michael was sent to watch him like Vanessa was#he let him into his house he introduced him to Abby#at least Vanessa felt bad and came clean about it and helped him what was Michael waiting to happen#and Michael wants to blame his dad for ruining like the one good thing he had despite not seeing or speaking to him in over a decade#but also it is definitely his fault because it is always his fault he had to have fucked it up somehow because thats what he does#michael afton x mike schmidt#fnaf
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Guess who almost fainted at a party tonight and spent the rest of it sitting on the floor with bowls of snacks
#i uh. may be a bit too stressed.#i haven't been eating and sleeping all that well#my neck/shoulders keep hurting#for the past week or so i've been having headaches and waves of nausea#it's almost as if my body is sending me signals or something 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔#(i promise i'm working on it and trying to force myself to eat more than 2 very flimsy meals in a day)#(i also promise that i'm keeping an eye on things and will call the doctor if things don't improve)#(but i have genuinely been insanely stressed#what with my dad being gone and this being the first holidays/birthday/etc without him#i caught yet another cold which means i can't see my mum again#i wanted to do a lot of cleaning but i just. can't. although i do try#i've been really stressed about finding a name for my exhibit#and also the general everything of it#idk i keep trying to do fun things and relax and get out of the house#because i know i'm really severely depressed atm#but it takes so much energy and i'm not eating enough for it really#idk everything's so hard right now#i just want to curl up and cry and sleep for the next year or so but i can't)
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(personal vent about my sack of shit father ruining christmas again)
me, my fathers only "daughter"/child:
helps my grandmother for weeks to prepare for his christmas party that neither of us wanted (he goes way over the top. invites his friends that are all loud drunks. cooks food we don't like. keeps the whole house up partying into the early hours of the morning. makes a mess and refuses to clean up after himself. doesn't spend time with us and instead hangs out with his friends, even for family holidays and events. etc.
me and my grandmother are disabled, constantly in pain/have stomach issues, and generally just want to be left on our own for holidays, so the whole event is just awful for us)
has been up since 6* in the morning, continuing to prepare for his party so he doesn't throw a hissy fit, running on only a few hours of sleep*, running around from store to store, cleaning, cooking, decoaring, etc.
spends hours trying to wake him up.
after doing everything I am capable of skill/strength wise, I took a two hour power nap before guests come.
helps serve dinner, makes drinks, fulfills every task my father gives me to maintain the delicate peace in the household, cause my grandmother wants to murder him*.
does all of this with no complaint.
my father:
promises his full and undivided attention and help the day before the party (this is the only day he's offered the slightest help outside of making a huge dinner no one but he and his friends wanted), he then breaks this promise, does nothing, delegates every task my grandmother has given him to me, and then leaves at 6 at night to go party, ignoring the amount of cooking he needs to finish.
doesn't come home for almost 12 hours (he came home at 6am), waking me up*, sleeps till 1, leaving me and my gradnmother do 90% of the things that needed to be done today (as his guests are coming at 4).
invites more friends than he originally told us about, ditching us after dinner (which we served) to go hang out outside and blast music so loud it shakes the house.
and then complains that I "slept all day" and "did nothing" so now I need to clean the whole kitchen and all the dishes of over 15 guests, not him, the reason there's such a mess to clean.
he continues to demand this even after something he cooks, knowing I hate it and it makes me feel ill, and stinks up the whole kitchen, making me go lie down because it made me nauseous and gave me a migraine.
I then get to spend the rest of my christmas eve cleaning, doing dishes, while barely holding back tears.
thanks dad, for ruining an already awful christmas, you fucking asshole.
#he does this shit all the time#one year he forget his mothers birthday. almost forgot mothers day. and threw a party “for her” that was just excuse to trash her house wit#his friends and we were both miserable. he made us clean and serve people and made food we don't like#I'm still fucking pissed about it#he also ruined my last christmas with my grandfather before he passed. so. I have a grudge to say the fucking least.#me and my grandmother are his personal servants and we can't do anything about it if we want to know peace#cause he's a fucking piece of shit#he does this with everything. he used to make my grandmother clean up after him. now he makes me do it#please. whatever god is out there. give me the financial stability to move out and live on my own. I can't keep doing this shit#actually. god. make him move out. let me and my grandmother stay in our family home. just get him to fuck off.#he's the biggest hypocrite. do-nothing. asshole and I hate him#personal vent#fuck my dad#biggest mistake my father made in terms of raising me was not leaving. instead he just ruined every aspect of my life and made me miserable#can't even escape him as an adult
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