#and even this post can never encapsulate my feelings. they are too big for words; too big for feelings or diaries or whispers to the stars.

[uncanny-tranny]

The two things I love most about language are simultaneously that the human need to communicate is so strong that we will invent languages, vocabularies, and new turns of phrases at the drop of a hat (freeing our thoughts from the confines of our mind), but also that language is so naturally limiting that it won't truly encapsulate your deepest, most inner thoughts and feelings (your thoughts are yours, but at what cost). Do you understand how feral this makes me feel. "Please understand me," we tell each other, and we both will be seen but also so, so misunderstood, and it isn't our faults, not really, and we continue trying, trying, trying to be understood.

[theoneprecioustome]

Disconnected | Aikoto Thoughts

Someone at Atlus decided to gift us an opening dedicated to Aikoto and it's filled with gorgeous symbolism and foreshadowing, so I'm here to sing it the praises it deserves

Warning: This post will contain BIG spoilers for The Answer (Episode Aigis).

The opening starts with a blue butterfly which, in The Answer lore, is meant to symbolize Aigis' Papillon Heart. Meanwhile, Makoto is walking through a field of spider lilies which, in Japan, symbolize death and are believed to guide souls to the afterlife.

In other words: the opening starts with Aigis' heart chasing after Makoto, who has passed on 😭 But that's not all.

I love how they have Makoto heading towards a door engulfed in light, because it perfectly foreshadows the Desert of Doors. Makoto is gone and Aigis doesn't quite know what happened to him exactly, and the answer to that question lies behind the door that Aigis will eventually choose to open. So through Episode Aigis, Aigis is doing just that: chasing after Makoto.

This opening sequence is even built to reference Aigis' recurrent dream where she runs after Makoto's back but can never catch up to him. As such, even when the camera shows us Makoto's profile, we can't see his face.

After this, we see Aigis waking up from her dream, crying. She turns behind her, almost like she's hoping to see Makoto, but of course, he isn't there.

There's also a big contrast between the way Aigis' eye is drawn here and the way it's drawn in the P3R Opening. While the P3R opening emphasizes Aigis' robotic origins by showing the mechanisms therein, Disconnected does no such thing and instead emphasizes Aigis' human emotions in the form of her tears.

This contrast alone shows Aigis' development beautifully, but there's yet another contrast to be made. In the P3R opening, Aigis fell into a long sleep from which she would only awaken after feeling Makoto's presence on Yakushima. In Episode Aigis, we see her waking up and crying after losing him 😭

We momentarily leave Aigis to be shown SEES with an overlaid Fool card which ends up shattering. The SEES Social Link is represented by the Fool, so the card shattering at the end perfectly encapsulates how the bonds they forged in P3R are put to the test by the loss of their Leader, Makoto.

After this we get one of my favorite sequences in the Opening, because the way the lyrics are cleverly matched to the visuals is just too good.

Aigis' is shown running through the desert of doors—the desert that was drawn to the dorms because of her pain.

“時の狭間”はアイギスに起こったさまざまな変化と繋がった、いわばアイギス自身が原因となって生まれた空間である。 The ‘Abyss of Time’ is connected to the various changes that have occurred in Aigis, so it's a space that was created by Aigis herself, so to speak. Source: Persona 3 x Persona 4 World Analyze Book

She is, literally and figuratively, lost in that desert. In her own pain.

My heart fell and I can't find it, the lyrics say, and right after we're shown... Metis. The physical manifestation of Aigis' very own heart. She even pulls down her butterfly-shaped visor, symbolizing the mystery of her identity while simultaneously giving us the answer.

Aigis' key falls and so does Aigis, and here comes the heart and soul of the opening.

Makoto and Aigis juxtaposed just like in the Episode Aigis Key Art.

Just like in the key art, Makoto is looking at Aigis and smiling at her. Unlike the key art, here we can notice that Makoto is meant to be within the sea of souls. When Aigis parts her lips in surprise, bubbles of air come out, but there are none around Makoto.

This is quite literally Makoto's soul watching over Aigis, who feels like she's drowning without him 😭 She even looks lifeless until she notices him.

Aigis tries reaching out to him to no avail, just like in the movies.

But Makoto simply fades away, his smile being the last thing we see. The way they show Aigis' hand losing its strength felt like a kick to the heart 😭

As someone on Twitter pointed out, to make this even more painful, Makoto is smiling fully, looking happy and at peace. But since Aigis is looking at him upside down, his expression is less clear to her, to the point that it could even pass for a frown.

This ambiguity once again highlights that since Aigis doesn't know nor understand what exactly happened to Makoto, she can't be at ease.

Then we're treated to another masterclass in symbolism. We see some of Makoto's life flash before our eyes; that fateful night Death was sealed inside him, followed by the moment he chose to meet his fate to protect his friends and the world. These two moments are shown within his Evoker, representing his duty. His fight.

The montage ends with Makoto's lasts moments—spent with Aigis with a peaceful smile on his face. The rooftop scene isn't shown within his Evoker though, but within Makoto's MP3 player. The one thing he never did without.

So within just a few frames, we get to see the beginning and end of Makoto's journey superimposed on his two most meaningful objects. The Evoker—his fight—which passes onto Aigis, and his MP3 Player—his heart—which is synchronized with Aigis' (as evidenced by she inheriting Orpheus), showing their last moments together.

I won't go into the sequence foreshadowing the Colosseum fights (and Erebus!), but it's worth mentioning that Metis' entrance is yet another nod to the fact that she is a part of Aigis. When we see Metis charge, we're clearly shown that there's no one but Fuuka behind her, yet Aigis appears behind her soon after as if she was always there.

After this, we get another shot that was masterfully synchronized with the lyrics.

I'm so numb, so lost without you.

And right as we hear that "you", Aigis summons Orpheus. Makoto's signature Persona, which comes straight from the sea within his soul.

Orpheus being there is proof that Makoto's soul is still connected to Aigis', that he has never left her, which is why he was shown earlier looking after her in the sea of souls. And as if to further draw that home, when Makoto fades into the sea of souls, they add a breaking shards effect.

The same effect that appears when Aigis summons Orpheus.

The opening then shows us a shot of the Empyrean Door, the door which shows the moment Aigis awakens to the Wild Card as well as Metis' own birth. As if on cue, we see the blue butterfly catch up to Aigis like a light in the dark, taking us full-circle to the beginning of the opening where the butterfly flies past Makoto's profile.

The opening ends with a single cherry blossom petal falling, a callback to the rooftop scene and to that last moment Makoto and Aigis spent together.

And also, an homage to the ending of the original The Answer, which also featured the cherry blossoms for a split second.

TL;DR The Opening not only beautifully foreshadows Metis' origins and Aigis' own journey through Episode Aigis, it also highlights the connection between Makoto's soul and Aigis' and the fact that he will never leave her.

And this is all without getting into the lyrics which make all of this even more heartbreaking 😭 as soon as the official lyrics drop I'll revisit this post to properly match everything!

[freckliedan]

please please please share details about your thoughts abt the week in november. i get emotional thinking abt their early years and your answer to that ask made my heart so warm i need to know more

(prev posts: one, two)

i don't have a ton more to say at the moment i'm sorry anon!! it's been awhile since @freckliephil & i talked about it. and she's 100% the source of my thoughts on this & i'll never be able to encapsulate it in words as well as she does :')

that said i'll still give it a shot!

do you ever think about how as much as dnp were absolutely uhauling it from day one they also took their time? people joke about dan's first trip being a sex marathon and there's definitely good fic about that but like. dan's uma thurman week tweets were clearly abt something new and special?

(& i'm not going to get into talking abt how penetrative sex isn't the only type of sex or the ultimate end goal but you can pretend i do that here).

anyways. uma thurman week was nearly 2 months after they met irl, yknow? and they'd spent as much time together in person as possible thru that stretch. but even the cherry tweets & then uma thurman tweets were several days into the visit in question. so like. it wasn't immediate! they weren't rushing into escalating physical intimacy!

they took their time and went at a pace that felt safe for dan which like. i cannot even begin to get into how huge it is that dan felt safe with phil both in his queerness and with physical touch. it's so overwhelming for me to think about.

like, i was abused at work for ~10 months as an adult; the person never laid a hand on me and i still have a complicated relationship with touch now. dan spent his entire childhood experiencing the abuse of intense bullying which INCLUDED a physical aspect.

i know not everyone responds to trauma in the same way but i don't think it's a stretch to say that dan almost certainly has had a much more complicated relationship with touch than i have or could even imagine as a result of his experiences. like we ALL knew he was triggered by having his neck touched before ever having the context of why.

back to the subject at hand i just like. it's just. dan felt safe with phil. to be himself and to touch and be touched. & it was more than just safe, it was good & felt good. they could laugh together. they took their time discovering what was pleasurable.

of course it was lifechanging. of course the feeling was too big to just hold in his body alone no wonder he tweeted like that.

of course it's still putting stars in their eyes fifteen years later.

[endlessthxxghts]

we were written in the stars

@swiftiscruff gift exchange ♡

I hope I’m not too late!! I’ve been looking at this exchange all weekend, and I’ve just been trying to figure out what I wanted to say. And after like 40 something hours… I think I’ve got an idea.

First and foremost, I want to say a big thank you to @swiftispunk and @joelscruff for creating such a beautiful little thing for all of us to come together and celebrate the beauty that is love and friendship. I also want to say that what you two have is truly beautiful, and it makes my heart so warm to see what this site has to offer us beyond the realm of the internet walls.

Second, for my gift exchange, I’ve created this little mood board in an attempt to encapsulate the pure welcome and love that everyone has made me feel from the very moment I began my journey on here. And of course, I had to include our favorite man because a good chunk of us, and a good chunk of our friendships, probably wouldn’t be here without him to bring us together.

There’s so much I can say. There’s so much I want to say. But there aren’t enough words or brain skills to truly articulate the way that I feel about the people I’ve had the absolute honor to interact with here on this site. From interacting with my readers (even in the form of a comment, a reblog, or simply seeing your blog in my notifications, I notice it all) to interacting with fellow writers on here, there’s something so real and so raw about the way this community harnesses love and creativity and friendship on here, and I really have never experienced anything like it. It’s beautiful, it’s breathtaking, it’s unreal.

This is getting long. I’m sorry. I guess, what I’m trying to say is: whatever path we’re on, however long it took us to get where we are now, one thing is for sure. The love and the bonds we’ve created here, I truly believe they— we were written in the stars. One way or another, our souls would’ve interacted in some kind of way, and I’m beyond excited to see what more our paths have for us.

You all have truly been my saving grace, in more ways than one. I love you. 🩶

Forever yours, L.

Also ew sorry this looks so gross since tumblr is being weird with the tags right now lololol

@javierpena-inatacvest @janaispunk @katiexpunk @toxicanonymity @honeyedmiller

@joelsgreys @joelmillerisapunk @pedrosballsack @joels-shitty-puns @joeloverture @joelscruff

@beskarandblasters @bearsbeetsbeskar @beefrobeefcal @cerridwen007 @mrsmando @msjarvis

@pedritoferg @punkshort @morallyinept @sweetercalypso @pedge-page

@notjustjavierpena @clawdee @undercoverpena @tightjeansjavi @pimosworld

@chaithetics @survivingandenduring @getitoutofmymind @amanitacowboy @suzdin

@strang3lov3 @umadosedepascal @pedroisghostiess @sawymredfox @swiftispunk @rav3n-pascal22

@theweedisasterxoxo @djarin-desires @strawberry-pascal @kewwrites @joeloverture

I’m 100% sure there’s so much more that I can name, but I’m sure tumblr will fight me if I tag any more. If I didn’t tag you, it really was unintentional. If I could, I truly would tag every single 1.5k of you (yes, we hit a milestone guys!🥹 I’ll be posting the celebration soon). I love you all. I wouldn’t be here without any of you, truly, so thank you cat and han for giving me the chance to show my love and appreciation. My heart is so so so full.

[ervona]

20 questions for writers! (fanfic themed)

thank you @wispstalk :) I will tag... @waterdhaviancheesecake @hungerofhadarr @aphoticfairy @biichama @wingedtwilight

answers and question list under the cut:

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

none! I did repost some of them on squidgeworld

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

not applicable. my tesfest collection clocks in at 10.5k

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Elder Scrolls and Forgotten Realms right now...

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

again not applicable. the ones on tumblr get around the same amount of notes so I can't really rank the handful of them imo

5. Do you respond to comments?

I read and cherish all the tags I've gotten, I respond to comments if I post the work in a server of course and if you message me about it... I'm so happy to talk about writing any time, both mine and your own

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

quite a few but most are unpublished yet so I'll say "thrice-sealed" ends in a pretty pointless and unfulfilled way. most things for this family do, it's really about which moment you end up focusing on

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think I have more of these published... "sever seas" is a hit to me, really encapsulates the emotion I'm chasing when writing a happy ending, which is that it's never too late and it'll all be ok eventually

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope! I don't think anyone likes hate but I'd love more criticism as uniform positivity is kind of dull. I always love to hear what people liked about my work but I'd also love to hear what they didn't like...

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

mixed impressions on this one, I've written sex scenes, but I've also been told it's not quite smut... I don't like IKEA erotica but I like sex scenes for character study so if you get anything from me it'll be it

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

not that I recall, I haven't really had ideas for crossovers

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I'd be genuinely surprised

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope but feel free to!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

no but I'm up for it, and imo I'm good at collaborative work

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

I don't have one, if I'm attached to a particular dynamic it's for a limited period of time that they inspire me... but I still care them

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

HEADSTONES LMAO... I have a lot of other unfinished ideas but this is one I plotted out, not even that long or complicated and then drove right off the bridge. I want to return to it when I have more inspiration and feel more assured in my Reithwin lore because it's a big old mess

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'm taking from comments I've gotten because I can't self-analyze that well: the cadence of it owed in part to being esl, capturing an atmosphere, the psychological profile of characters and dialogue! personally I think I'm good at this too but there's room to improve

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

long form plotting! I couldn't write a novel, and when I write short stories I struggle to not just make it a vibes based thriller. in fanfic this manifests as characters just hanging out. pondering their life. there are many story ideas in my mind with some definite plot but putting it all together is quite a task. I'll just keep on trying to do it!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'm already writing in another language, but I'd only want to try a language I'm as familiar with or a conlang where I can make it up unless I have someone to consult about the language being right

19. First fandom you wrote for?

genuinely not sure. maybe Neopets, stories about my pets, which would've been the first and only fanfic I had published in a while...

20. Favorite fic you've written?

not any of my published ones unfortunately, but fortunately I have many contenders. may you all get to read them at some point... so right now one I'm very endeared towards is the one where a young Vedam and Orvas Dren are traveling with their mother, though I've changed their timeline up so much I'm not sure if their ages work... okay from my published ones I'll say the Mavus one is dear to me :)

...

here's a list of the questions:

How many works do you have on AO3?

What's your total AO3 word count?

What fandoms do you write for?

What are your top five fics by kudos?

Do you respond to comments?

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Do you get hate on fics?

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Have you ever co-written a fic?

What's your all-time favorite ship?

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

What are your writing strengths?

What are your writing weaknesses?

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

First fandom you wrote for?

Favorite fic you've written?

[thefallennightmare]

I just wanted to come on here and thank both you and @thescarlettvvitch IMMENSELY. I struggle and have struggled for what feels like my entire life, with depression, anxiety, and the list goes on and on… But, Just Pretend means so much to me. It has been my saving grace for the last few months. It’s my safe place and the amount of times that I have gone back and reread the entire thing from start to it’s current chapter, or have even gone back just to reread my favorite chapters and favorite bits, is more then all 10 fingers and toes combined lol. Music has always been something that I turned too and would submerge myself in to take me away from it all and block out all the overbearing things surrounding my brain. But lately, Just Pretend is now what I reach for when I need a place to escape to drown out the noise. Although, it’s Angel and Noah’s world, in a sense, I feel like it’s also my world too. It’s my safe place and I know that if things are feeling a little too overwhelming, I can always open the tumblr app and can count on Noah & Angel to clear my head for a bit, or for hours on end. I cannot put into words or express my gratitude enough to either of you to measure up to how much Just Pretend has helped me through these last few weeks. I absolutely meant it when I said that both of you could be writing novels that sell out and are hard to keep stocked on the book shelves every week at all the book stores. The way you both are able to write these stories and fully encapsulate all the emotions and every single character, no matter how big or small their role in the story is, is absolutely astonishing. I just wanted to leave this in your inbox because I know you both have posted about how this week has been a bit rough for the both of you. But just know, that your work has saved people and granted them happiness and a sense of purpose when they needed it the most. I will always be here to continue coming back to read Just Pretend and drown myself out in Mochi, Angel, and fruit basket citrus sock smearing Jesse’s world. Thank you again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. I cannot wait to see what you both have come up with for the next two chapters.💗 Also, sorry this was so long!🫣

Oh wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Anon you have rendered me and @thescarlettvvitch speechless.

First off, I want to say you’re not alone. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. It’s not easy. Some days(like this past week) are really hard. So to hear that Just Pretend helps you through yours makes me fall to my knees. I’m so so glad our story can be a positive outlook on life when the darkness seems to pull you under.

My work saved people? Our silly little story about Noah Sebastian saved people? I’m just at a loss for words because we NEVER thought it would be like this. In the best way possible. You guys say it all the time that Just Pretend is the best Noah fic on here but I still don’t believe it. We just thought it would be something fun to do together. We never imagined it would turn into something so magical and life saving.

I truly believe this is what Noah meant in the Rock Sound interview. Bad Omens has brought together so many different people with different backgrounds and who are going through their own struggles and find peace in the things Bad Omens created and what others create for/ because of Bad Omens.

With all the negativity Bad Omens is getting right now, I would love to show them this. Tell them that this is what their music is doing to/for their fans and the people that support them through and through.

But then again, I truly hope Noah never finds this story 😂

Again anon, thank you so fucking much from the bottom of our hearts. You guys don’t understand how comments like this brighten our day and make this whole writing thing fucking worth it. We absolutely love you all.

Thanks for being here. And enjoy the rest of this wild fucking ride that is my blog.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Do you have any opinions on how many people are lauding Barbie as THE feminist movie instead of a movie which kind of touches upon certain aspects of feminism without really dealing with any of the actual undertones of it? Like I know a fun summer movie (or any movie tbh) doesn't NEED to address all nitty gritties of a socio-cultural phenomenon but at the same time I personally feel that the exaggerated depiction of how patriarchy works (which is definitely a stylistic choice) brushes aside too many real world impacts for it to be considered as some kind of cultural icon for feminism. None of the above takes away from its entertainment factor for me.

Yes, I do have some thoughts about that. I am following a lot of Barbie coverage, from reviews to tumblr posting, twitter and tiktok. It's everywhere. But it doesn't mean that my exposure fully encapsulates the entire discourse(s) surrounding the film. So my perspective is strictly my own and in no way representative of how the film is or should be perceived/criticized/lauded.

I personally didn't think of it as the quintessential feminist movie. That's too broad a label that does more harm than good. It is but a version of feminism, mostly your basis 101 white feminism a la Greta Gerwig and one that it's easy to digest, to reach a big audience and one that doesn't interfere too much with the corporation. It reminded me of how I used to see the word in my first year of college when I started getting into contact with feminism and my eyes suddenly opened.

It's not interesectional feminism, it does gloss over some issues and I'm not trying to justify it too much because there are enough people pointing that out rightfully so and are more in the right to talk about it than I am.

Am I part of the target audience for Barbie? Yes and no. Mostly yes, but there are experiences in the film that do no speak to me. What does that mean? I think it reflects my life and how I adhere to this mainstream feminism knowing that it's not really entirely for me.

What I can say, and I know this will sound exactly like white feminism, is that some aspects tackled in the film are universal. What I mean by that is questioning our purpose and how we perform gender. I've been struggling with that. I too look at other women thinking they have it all figured it out and they know how to be women (based on some idea in my head), while I don't, which makes me question how I don't do a good job at being a woman. Is seeing Margot Robbie as stereotypical Barbie questioning her purpose the same? No. Because I do not look like Margot Robbie (and the film smartly pointed out the absurdity). And then there was Gloria's speech which is again about this general idea of never feeling that you are enough and no matter what you do, there is always more to improve and balance and how shitty it is when it fact we should just be allowed to exist. All of us, regardless of any aspect of our identities. All of this spoke to me, but it doesn't mean the film didn't cater more to a specific experience of being a girl/woman in patriarchal structures through the lens of a straight, white perspective. It's not innovative because it's definitely not the first film to even address it like that. What is noteworthy though is how successful it is. That usually doesn't happen with films predominantly made by women and for women (and men too in the case of Barbie, too bad some of them refuse to aknowledge it). It's a blockbuster hit with a direct feminist message. I think that's important to note, as long as we take into consideration the nuances when we talk about Barbie.

[reveregret]

Hello my favorite person to bug! I figured since you've been dealing with these feelings and tendencies for a long time, you'd be a good person for insight on how to cope with them when you feel overwhelmed with them? I assume part of it has been writing them down, like on this blog? Thanks for your time like always :]

writing everything down has been a big part of how i cope, you're certainly right about that. it's a little ironic considering how i never really understood how journalling could be helpful, but i suppose it was a matter of how it was presented. i never really cared for prompts or rules around it, since that made it feel more like a task than an outlet. i did like making poetry, however. that's actually how i started out. i preferred the almost theatrical nature of it. eventually i just started writing things down as they were, making notes of what was happening or the thoughts i was having.

admittedly, that was mostly to keep track of details and events. i have a strong tendency to try to preserve things, which moved onto memories and that presented through transcribing. this was helpful in some ways and harmful in others. it got quite excessive after a while, to the point that i would only pause if i absolutely had to. it did help with processing, and while trying to find words for certain things it gave me a chance to reflect on my own feelings towards it all. i think writing can be really good if done in moderation.

this blog is kind of a blend between poetry and standard writing for me. i'll put down thoughts i'm dealing with and focus on the way it feels. from there i tend to characterise it. find a flow or order, maybe imply a story. if it's not directly reflective of something in reality, it's reflective of a more internal sense of it. i wouldn't actually kill anyone, for example, but i may make a post about doing so to deal with those sorts of thoughts.

in a way, that's helped me practise perspective. this is a little more difficult to explain, but it's part of how i keep my feelings in check. writing is just processing, but to stop and consider the sides of things can help a ton. finding balance is key. it's easy for me to get stuck between idolising or devaluing others, especially the more conscious i am of them. so i remind myself that the person in question has flaws alongside their positive qualities. or vice versa, depending on what side i'm leaning too far into. they're human, after all; neither perfect or substandard.

however, actually finding balance with that can be really tricky. it can be easy to go too far one way or another. that can work to an advantage at times, though. focusing on things i dislike about someone can help prevent and/or end an obsession, or even regulate one. it all depends. point is, to recognise the imperfections of an individual can keep me from glorifying them too much.

one of the main ways i've been able to deal with everything is finding a more symbolic way to encapsulate it. i like to make characters representative of people, for example. one distinction worth noting is i try to make it very non-literal, so i'll take aspects of how someone is or what they like and make something from that. i try to avoid making it an exact replicate of them to create somewhat of a division. it's still them, but metaphorically.

the way this helps is giving me somewhere to redirect those feelings. creative outlets are great in this sense! i draw a lot, and i'll often focus on the character i've made. it works for what words wouldn't and when i need something other than writing. it can even assist with subtlety, since there's less risk getting caught if everything is represented through that character. its appearance and name are different enough to be not be easily recognised.

another thing i've done is make dolls using these characters. i have my own pattern that i designed so that i can bring them to life. it's like being able to have the person to myself without genuinely trapping them. since i've created an association between the design and the individual, it can be comforting to simply have the doll around. i can even hold it to feign some control over the more protective or possessive feelings.

additionally, i create symbols (or sigils, if you will) typically made from the person's name. taking core elements from the shape of the letters and merging them together into its own unique shape. i'll write it down whenever i'm feeling intensely, or whenever i feel the need to. it can help me feel more connected with someone without actually forcing it. major bonus, it keeps me from writing a person's name too excessively or blatantly. there was a point a friend noticed one of my symbols but didn't think much of it. if it had been the name it represented, that would've turned out much differently.

these are the main ways i deal with everything before it gets to be unhealthy. i'm wary of sharing too much about how i deal with stalking since things that are reduced for me can easily worsen it for someone else. i'd rather support improvement, so hopefully everything i wrote here has value in that way.

[oops-aquarius]

tainted kisses

summary: steve needs some relaxation, which you provide to him

warnings: smut (!!!!), praise kink, slight degradation kink, a little bit of angst cuz a hoe is sad, oral fixation (duh), slight dom/sub dynamics (?), mentions of sadness/depression, tiny mommy kink (like barely there)

pairing: steve rogers x reader

word count: 2.2k

note(s): not edited well at all, also i used a prompt generator to get the promt i used (which is below !!)

prompt: “baths or water (tubs or jacuzzis; hot springs; water houses or steam rooms; the ocean; swimming pools.”

kink: “Oral fixation or fetishization (lips, tongue, or whole mouth; french-kissing; licking; oral displays using food or beer bottles; smoking cigarettes, cigars, or pipes; biting or chewing one's lip(s))”

--

***this is post-endgame except nobody died, cause im a hoe for all of the avengers***

Steve never realized how much he liked things in his mouth. Not always in a sexual way, at least not until after fighting Thanos.

After fighting for so long, bottling up his emotions was not at all how Steve needed to cope. He tried the yoga and meditation route Wanda had so kindly suggested. Yeah, after one session of hot yoga, Steve decided that it wasn't going to happen. Tony, obviously, suggested sex. Said something about it being a “healing experience for the soul”. That’s bullshit were Steve’s first thoughts when that came out of his mouth. Bucky told him to get some goats and raved about how therapeutic it was to raise them. But Steve could barely take care of himself, how would he even take care of a goat? Steve felt a hot sense of hopelessness burn against the back of his eyes as he sat on the floor of his bedroom, back pressed against the adjoined bathroom door.

“Steve?” A soft knock came from the front door. He took his thumb away from his mouth, he had resorted to subconsciously nibbling on the tip of it. Pulling himself off the door and towards the voice, he rubbed his tear-stricken cheeks in attempts to clean himself up a bit before seeing you.

“One sec, Y/N/N.”

When he opened the door, your face softened a bit before the smile that Steve, secretly, loved so much dropped off your face completely. “Stevie, what happened?”

Stevie, a nickname he hated for his entire life. A name that reminded him of the days before the super solider serum where he was a little guy getting beaten up on the streets of Brooklyn. Stevie, a nickname he loved hearing from your caring voice. Nobody else’s. 

“Just tired, Y/N” he sighed, “so,so tired.”

“Stevie,” your voice caught at the back of your throat. Seeing him in so much pain made your life turn upside down. He doesn't deserve to be in pain. “ S’there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Just stay with me? Please?”

You took him back into his bed and sat with him, just talking about life until his breathing turned back to normal and he seemed partially-okay. 

“Do you want to take a bath?” you asked, still stroking the blonde strands of his hair.

“Are you saying I smell?” He took his face out of the crook of your shoulder, feigning a look of hurt.

“No, punk, I meant to relax. You seemed pretty shaken up and I just wanted to help. I mean, that’s what I do when I feel down, relax in a bat-”

He cuts you off, “I appreciate it. Really, Y/N, I don’t know many people that are as loving and caring as you, sweetheart.” The nickname made a pang in your heart. You had like the super solider since you had met him, but never felt like he reciprocated the feelings. Even though you both cuddled often, and had movie nights, and he always let you beat him while sparring, and that one time you came down with a stomach bug and he fed you soup and-holy shit. Did Steve like you? “Sweetheart?”

“Huh?”

“I said, ‘A bath does sound nice’. What’s got you so suddenly zoned out?” He says, donning a smirk.

“It’s nothing. Let’s get you into that bath, mister,” you had a faux grumpy look on your face as you got up and walked to the bathroom, starting to fill the white, ceramic bathtub with warm water. “Okay, big boy. You need help getting up or are you okay?”

Rolling his eyes at your inauthentic tone, Steve pushes his tensed frame off the body and managed to stumble into the bathroom, while you following him closely to make sure he doesn't fall over from exhaustion.

“I get it, I’m old, but damn Y/N. I can walk perfectly fine,” He chuckles as he pushes himself up to sit on the counter top.

You start to fill up the bathtub with warm water, adding bubbles and lighting a few scented candles. He looked so pretty, hair sticking out in every direction, lips pink and puffy from biting them, his ocean blue eyes still misty as he looks down at his cuticles, picking them slightly. 

“Okay, I’m gonna leave so you can take this bath,” you say, shutting off the faucet, “Got it?”

“Y/N?”

“Yes, Stevie.”

“Stay, please.” His eyes were watering more than earlier. He had those puppy dog eyes, lip quivering as his voice cracked and wavered even with just a few words. He looked so vulnerable, how could you say no to him?

“Of course, Steve. I mean, the bubbles with kind of cover everything. I’ll just sit next to the tub with you, alright?” You awkwardly giggled and scratched the back of your neck. He nodded, hopping off of the counter and starting to undress himself with a wobble. “Stevie, you’re shaking like a leaf, let me help you.”

His eyes never met yours as you helped him pull his t-shirt over his head and looped your delicate fingers through the waistband of his sweatpants, dragging them down his muscular thighs. “You’re not gonna finish your job, doll?”

His boxers. The only clothes he had left on were his grey boxers. You wanted to give him privacy and not look, especially in such a broken and vulnerable state. But god, you could see the outline of his partially-hard cock through the soft cotton. You thought about what it would be like to have your mouth around his hard length, chocking on it as he rammed himself into the back of your throat.

“Ummm, I just--I thought--I mean I can---Only if you want--” The dirty thoughts clouded your brain. It made speaking a speaking a sentence almost impossible as your mouth watered just thinking about his cock.

“It was a joke, sweetheart,” he laughed heartily, “You’re too adorable.”

Pulling his boxers down his legs, he waddled tiredly over to the tub before stepping in. He groaned in pleasure at the feeling of the warm water encapsulating his exhausted body. You imagined that’s how he’d groan if you sucked his cock so hard he was seeing stars.

You were still facing the door, like you were as Steve got completely undressed. You knew if you turned around and look at him, naked and at ease, you’d jump his bones in a heartbeat. “Come sit with me, Y/N”

And you did. You turned around cautiously, like you expected, the bubbles covered his body enough for you to be able to handle yourself as you sat down next to the tub. You grabbed his hand away from his lips, running your soft fingers over his rough calloused ones. “I always see you biting your nails or cuticle or lips or your pens. Why?”

He sighed, “I’m not sure, I guess it just distracts me?” He said it more like it was a question rather than a statement. “I guess I don’t truly know why I do it, I guess I just enjoy having things in my mouth.”

You could read Steve like a book, his pupils blown with lust, his lip stuck between his teeth, a blush heating up his cheeks. You took a leap of faith.

“Yeah, like what?”

“You.”

His lips were on yours in a flurry, it took a second for you to react, but as soon as you did it felt amazing. Neither of you seemed to care about the water splashing over you as his hands trailed up your body, tugging at the hem of your shirt.

He pulls away panting, “F-Fuck, Y/N, I need you. Please. Oh my god I need you so bad,” His eyes looked as if they were welling up with tears and he looked so pretty still in the relaxing bubble bath, whimpering and whining for you. 

“God, I need you too, baby,” you stop to look in his eyes sincerely, “Are you sure you want this? I don’t want to do anything that you don’t want to do or that you will regret.” Your hand caresses his cheek.

“Just get in here with me and I’ll show you how much I want you,” he whispered, “Need you, really.”

You sighed before your hands moved shakily to take off your t shirt. As much as you wanted this, you were still scared of how the ripped super solider would feel about you and your body, As soon as your shirt was off, Steve was whimpering, dipping his hand into the soapy water to massage his aching cock. This only spurred you to take off your clothes and join him faster. 

“Did I say you could touch yourself, puppy?” Your stern voice caught him off-guard, making him pause his actions with a look of fear on his face. You step into the bathtub, straddling him. Your nails raked up his milky white thighs, trailing up his body admiring the beauty of it. “Y’Know I was planning on being nice to you because you’ve been so good to me, but you might need to be punished, baby? Do you need to punshied like a brat?”

He mewled, bowing his head in shame. You could feel him growing harder and harder by the second and you were starting to go crazy with the empty feeling inside of you that on he could fill. “No, ma’am. I’ll be good, I swear!”

“Mmmm, that’s my good boy.” Your hands slid up his chest and rested on his cheeks, hearing him preen at your praise, as you repositioned yourself over his cock. “Are you sure you want this?”

“If you dont ride me into next week right fucking now I’m going to scream, Y/N,” He breathed out with a chuckle, Grabbing your thighs, he helps you sink down on his cock. Both of you were moaning and whimpering messes by the time you were sitting at this base of him, trying to get adjusted to his large size. 

Hot tears burned at the back of his eyes as soon as you lifted yourself up off of him, only leaving the tip of him inside of you, and slamming back down on his dick. 

“Baby-please,” he whimpered, “n-need, shit, need your fingers, bad.” 

You were confused, slowing down a bit to make sure he was okay. But his puppy dog eyes showed that he was okay. Slowly taking your wrist from his cheek, he puts your fingers in his warm mouth. Moaning around them and swirling his tongue around them. He did it the same way you always dreamed about sucking his dick, chocking and gagging on his length.

“Yeah, you’re such a needy little slut for me, for this pussy. Look at you, so ruined and fucked out just because I’m fucking you.” He moaned sensually at your words making your core tighten impossibly. 

You had gotten a good idea as you were riding him. Slowly, you start to thrust your hand in and out of his mouth, watching the saliva dribble out of the corners of his mouth as he choked on you. The band in your tummy starts tightening as you feel yourself getting close. 

“Shit, fuck, baby, I’m gonna come. Oh my god, you’re make me come with your beautiful cock, puppy. So good for me, aren’t you?” Your free hand dips into the water, cupping his balls and rolling them around your soft palm.

He nods, choking on your nimble finger yet again his you massage his sensitive balls. “Gonna come,” he slurred and spit around you.\, “almost there.”

“I didn’t” you moaned as you feel his balls tighten, fall back down on his cock at a faster pace, “give you permission to do that. I thought you were going to be good for me?”

“I am” he spluttered loudly, “i am good, I swear. Just please let me come. I need it, oh shit, mommy.”

The name went straight to your core, making you grow weak as you feebly give him permission to come as you come undone with one more bounce on his large member. His hands come up to grope your breasts as he come with hot spurts inside of your tight cunt. 

“Oh my god,” you stifle a giggle as you stand up on shaky legs. You wordlessly helped him out of the tub and wrapped him in a white towel, walking him to bed while you dried yourself off. Collapsing on the bed with a grunt, the solider hollds out his hand to you, signalling you to lay down with him. You could easily tell he was still coming down from his sex high, starting to regain his self back.

“I dont know what possessed me to,” he pauses, trying to figure out a way to word the rest of his sentence, “to suck, I guess, on your hand. I’m sorry, Y/N, that was really weird of me.”

“What do’ya mean, baby? Having an oral fixation isn’t something to be ashamed of.” The words make him smile with droopy eyes, tucking his head into your neck and starting to fall asleep, happy and comfortable, cuddling you.

“And to be honest, puppy. I think it’s really hot.”

[palimpsessed]

I have a question for you because you are SO GOOD at analyzing awtwb. Can you explain the “is this what people do?” Thinking that Simon is going through? Most of the things he goes through I see reflected in myself or people I know, but I haven’t seen that before. I would love to know all your thoughts on that?

Hi, Anon! Thanks for sending this ask and for your kind words about my analysis. ❤️

I would love to talk about "is this what people do"!

I'm going to give you my take, and then I'm going to include some thoughts from a friend who isn't on tumblr. Let’s dive in!

Simon asks "is this what people do" because he truly doesn't know what people do. He knows how to be a Chosen One, but he doesn't know how to be a person. He's spent the bulk of his life up until this point as a weapon. He understands how to fight, how to protect those around him, how to sacrifice himself, but he doesn't really understand living for the sake of living. In my answer to another ask, I talked about how Simon doesn't know how to be at peace. I think that's applicable here, too.

Part of what Simon struggles with so much in the time between the end of CO and the beginning of WS is how to live without having a defined purpose, a "mission". He's lost a lot of things that he allowed to define his sense of self, and now he has to sort out who he is without all of that. We see him start to make progress with living for the sake of living in WS: going on a roadtrip to a place he's always wanted to see; being silly and flirting at the Renaissance Faire and walking around with his wings out; flying over Utah, getting to feel the wind in his face and under his wings. But most of the time, he's still struggling with being at peace—living without a mission. Living for himself.

The WS epilogue tells us: "This is what happens if you try to hang on after the end…the pages go blank...Simon Snow's [story] is over." There's no established arc for a hero post-final battle—there's no set narrative or expectations for this point in Simon's life and he's struggling in the uncertainty of it all. He's also struggling with the lingering trauma from years of neglect, exploitation, and violence.

There's a reason the gang literally goes off the map in WS—there is no guide for this part of their journey, and, at least for Simon, doing the "normal" expected thing at this time (getting a flat, going to university, making new friends) isn't working for him. He doesn't have any idea what to do with his life now—this part was never planned out for him. As a child in care and then a boy soldier, Simon never had agency over himself. He was responsible for the fate of the World of Mages and saving all of magic, but he wasn't ever allowed to be responsible for himself. I don't mean that Simon doesn't know how to take care of himself—I'd argue he's the most self-sufficient and practically-minded of the gang because of all the time he was left to fend for himself. But Simon is going out into the world as an adult and there isn't someone else to tell him what to do anymore. (This is something we all face at some point growing up, but it's definitely more extreme in his case!) Don't get me wrong. Being in control of his own life is a really good thing for Simon, but it also leaves him without any idea of how to navigate through life. Someone else has always been there to give him orders or to give him a plan, but we see all of the plans in WS fall apart.

In AWTWB, Simon tries move forward with a new plan—one he thinks is best for everyone—fracturing his relationships with the two most important people in his life while also attempting to make a clean break from magic. It's the wrong thing to do, even if it's something that needs to happen. From the end of CO to the start of AWTWB, Simon chooses to do nothing, because he's afraid. Then he does the wrong thing, also out of fear.

Instead of fighting, which is what he's always done before, Simon allows fear to keep him from acting, allows fear to drive him away from what's important. Simon didn't fear dying as a child in the course of his heroic deeds, but he does fear a future spent with the people he loves (it's "frightening"). He fears it because it’s “uncertain” and he doesn't think he can hold onto it (“I never believed I’d get to keep you”). He doesn't think he has a right to try.

"Is this what people do" is Simon trying. It's him trying with Baz, specifically. Simon is scared because he and Baz are in unknown territory, and he cares so much about making things work between them. He knows how much there is to lose. He just doesn’t know what he needs to do to hold on to Baz. He doesn’t really have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like. I know I’ve seen discussions about how Simon never had proper relationship modeling. (@mostlymaudlin has addressed this and other aspects of Simon’s previous relationship experience with Agatha in this post that is highly relevant and I also just recommend it.) Yes, Simon has prior experience with Agatha, but he didn’t know what he was doing in that relationship either and he tells Baz that his experience with her doesn’t come anywhere close to his feelings for Baz. With Agatha, Simon saw a nebulous “happy ending” without knowing what that happy ending was going to look like, nor how he was going to get there. He has no idea of the reality of a healthy relationship or how to do the hard work to maintain it. This is what both Simon and Baz are learning in AWTWB.

When the refrain comes up, it's always in response to a milestone that Simon and Baz have crossed in their relationship, from (practically) moving in together to being intimate.

Simon is mentally taking a step back and looking at his relationship with Baz. He's looking at the things they're doing, as a couple. Things they've not managed to do before, or things they have done that he hasn't given himself the space to process—something he admits he never did with Agatha. Simon asking the question "is this what people do" encapsulates so much: Is this what life and love looks like for other people? For us? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? What we're supposed to be doing? How do I feel about what’s happening now? What do I want to happen? Is this how two people love each other?

The ways in which the refrain shifts over the course of the book show us how Simon's thinking shifts as his relationship with Baz progresses. And at the end, the refrain has changed from a question into a statement. Seeing the first and last occurrences next to each other tells so much of the story of Simon's growth.

Chapter 38:

Is this what people do when they're in love? Do they just keep touching and talking? And then what? Like what is it all leading to? I don't mean sex, I mean…

If I knew what I meant, it wouldn't be so frightening.

I'm living second by second.

Chapter 82:

This is what people do.

They get close and try to stay there.

They stay.

They keep trying to hold on to each other...this is what they do. They keep trying.

…This is what people do. This is what we'll do. Baz and me.

…"Stay with me."

"I will."

This shift in confidence is subtle, but it is such a big deal! Simon has gone from not being able to think about the future at all to promising Baz that he will stay with him and keep trying in their relationship. He's answered the question for himself!!! He’s figured out how to try for Baz. The thing is, in the end, it really doesn’t matter what “people” do. It matters what Simon and Baz do, because they’re the ones who are doing this together, for each other. They have plenty of time to figure out how “what people do” is going to look for them.

Now I want to add some thoughts shared by RooBadley in the conversations we've had about "is this what people do". I always appreciate getting Roo's take on things, and I completely agree with them on this. (Do yourself a favor and check out Roo's AO3 if you haven't already.)

"the subtlety of [is this what people do is] a reflection of [Simon’s] queerness/a touchstone universal queer youth experience (is this what it's supposed to be like? I dunno, I've never seen A Person Like Me get to have a happy/healthy/normal relationship). Is this what (queer) people do? Am I doing it right?"

and...

"I've ruminated more on that statement as reference to the queer experience and I feel like there's more evidence to support that reading. we know he's had sex with Agatha (and he's woke/attentive enough to know about peeing to prevent UTI's, so clearly he knows what straight, penetrative sex is) and there's that lovely line at the start about Dr Wellbelove giving him the birds & bees talk, but leaving some things out (I love that bit) And he's so confident when he's talking with Baz about having had sex with Agatha, like, he knows what they did. It's just with Baz that he's suddenly in self-doubt "is this..." Land"

Reading this take from Roo about a universal queer youth experience definitely hit home for me. I think Rainbow did a superb job of speaking to multiple experiences with Simon’s journey and in treating that journey with so much care. I think it’s amazing that we get to see this part of the story, this aftermath and healing, because it really isn’t part of the established story arc we’re used to and it really should be. Like you said in your ask, Anon, we’ve all had lived experiences that help us see ourselves in these characters, and to watch them struggle and persevere and succeed is incredibly important.

If anyone has anything they’d like to add on, or another question to ask, as always, please feel free to do so! I will never get enough of talking about this book! ❤️

[bbhyeoliskooks]

hello! may i ask somethibg with taehyun? maybe like, he's praising the reader so much and they get flustered or something hahjahsha feel free to add anything!

❝𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐖𝐚𝐲 𝐈 𝐀𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮.❞

As much as you love it when Taehyun suddenly shows an act of affection, you can’t help but wonder if he knows how much it’s affecting you. 

Genre: 4 cups of fluff !

Warnings: None~

(hey 🧍 i’m so so so sorry for the one month late answer 😭😭 your idea is so cute and i adore it sm !! i just wish i could’ve gotten to it sooner but thanks to classes... it’s a big fat no for my energy 🧎🧎 n e way, i hope this makes up for it though and that you enjoy it 🥺 thank you so much for requesting, adorable anonie !)

It was such a pathetic sight to see that whenever you were next to Taehyun, you became as soft as putty- someone so easy to change moods just because he was close enough to embrace you. Almost everyone knew that and you were certain that Taehyun knew, but gosh, did he have to rub it in your face that you really did fall for him?! The first time he did this was back when your friend accidentally spoke a little too loud- maybe she did it on purpose because he was right there smack dab in front of her face- emphatically shouting: ‘YOU LIKE TAEHYUN?!’ And so you had to carry on through the rest of your day with a burning face as said boy boldly poked fun at you but not enough for it to really sting.

He teased you in little ways you couldn’t even start to imagine to count of course, the smug guy obviously loving your flustered embarrassed face every time he got the chance. Sometimes you wondered why you felt drawn to him the moment you first saw him considering he clearly wasn’t interested in personal matters called love, but with the way he was acting towards you- look on the bright side, he could perhaps like you! Minus all the teasing here and there. 

Well, that time... was now, and you were unfortunately dawdling on your assignment thanks to him burning his eyes onto you as if you were more interesting than the books in front of him. From time to time you dared to look at him sitting at your right side, but nothing really helped. All you could see was him staring back at you with curious eyes, watching your every movement to the way you scanned through several books to how you sighed when you became stumped.

It was a bit unlucky that the rest of the library was quiet where you two studied, otherwise you’d yell at him and create a commotion to stop looking at you for this long. 10 minutes, huh? And thinking in your head over and over again what he was thinking about! Because really, whatever work you did- it obviously wasn’t going to make any sense to the teachers since you were reeling with thoughts of why he was doing what he was actually intending! You just bit your bottom lip annoyed, burying yourself into the boring textbook for the nth time.

Suddenly his voice brought you back into the reality that he was still gazing intently at you sadly, “You’ve been working so hard for a long time! Can’t we take a break? That smart brain of yours is quite useful when it comes to things like this, but it’s going to get tired fast if you don’t rest with me.” Taehyun enunciated the last word and you shivered slightly, feeling your spine tense up.

“Please? You’re passing up the opportunity to get your ultimate favorite drink on me, plus this break will help you to focus better.”

You shook your head, causing Taehyun to become persistent, moving even closer by scooting his chair next to yours. 

“I really adore you, you know? The way your contagious laugh lights up the room when I say something stupid in class, the way you bite your bottom lip whenever you’re reading a book, the way you smile at me like I’m the only person in the whole entire world.”

You had to admit that it was true but he wasn’t any good- just go back to your book again and focus on concentrating!

“To me, you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. It’s not just about how you look, no not just that, but seriously, everything you do. You might not know this but I trust you so much because you care a great deal about me and know when to talk about my problems. You care and love about the people who are close to you that it inspires me when I need it the most. I sound so silly here but it’s the truth,” he chuckles to himself, shaking his head when he did so.

“I want to spend time with you every single day because you make me feel less alone. You listen to me and comfort me through your kind ways, and I can’t understand why you can’t see how much I need you. You’re the most important person to me and my heart-” he cut himself off, aware of what he was rambling on, “how can I not tell the person who only deserves someone much better than me that I’m truly encapsulated by them?”

Again you ignored him and pretended to jot something down, all the while shaking as the pencil in your hand moved across the half filled paper.

Taehyun seemed to be proud at the result, silently resting his cheek on his palm when you gulped nervously.

“You’re so cute, I just love it whenever I do the littlest of things and you still manage to be embarrassed like the adorable bean you are.”

No, no-

“Y/N, can’t you see? I’m falling for you because you stole my heart the very moment I saw you and never gave it back. But I think it’s good if it stays that way since gosh- I’m so in love with you that I can’t do anything without you.”

The pencil dropped from your fingers, and boy you knew how much you messed up now. If you could’ve kept your calm, then you wouldn’t have to show how whipped you were for him! Now he could really grasp the idea and saying such compliments with you hearing everything? Your heart instead was pounding in your chest, fluttering intensely even when you tried to use your breath to calm it down. 

No doubt Taehyun had to know how much it was affecting you! He knew; it wasn’t possible that he didn’t... In turn, he pleasantly smirked at your startled face, sending you a smile with his sharp teeth. Quickly he went to boop your nose, grinning when you pursed your lips into a trembling line. 

“There’s my adorable but burning Y/N whom I love. Now tell me that we’ll take a break together and-”

you couldn’t take any of this anymore any longer when you were becoming so flustered that it was childish. 

“Taehyun! I’m not trying to-”

Chu!

When he had a chance, the boy pecked his soft lips against your cheeks in an instant, grinning mischievously when you could no longer respond.

Posted: 4/14/21- 10:35pm

Tags:

[therenlover]

Songs From Musicals Y/N Would Sing To The Evans

If fanfictions were musicals, these are the songs I could see the reader insert singing to each of the Evans. I understand that this is cringy but cringe culture is dead, pls just let me enjoy my stupid little daydreams lol. 

Warnings: Mild Language, Brief Mentions of Death (specifically su*cide and murder), Mentions of Cancer, Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

The songs are linked at their titles!

Tate Langdon

I Dreamed A Dance from Next To Normal

Yes, I am aware that I am taking this song way out of context

No, I do not care. I’m looking at this from simply a lyrical point of view

It has all the sad ghost mommy issues vibes

Like, pre-teen me during my Aaron Tveit phase would have 100% associated this song with Tate

I’m sort of half and half on if Tate would actively try to get someone to die to be with him, which is why There’s A World isn’t included, but I can see someone head over heels in love with him considering death as an option to stay with him forever

This song just gives me the self indulgent fanfic vibes

“I'll wake alone tomorrow / The dream of our dance is through / But now until forever love / I’ll live to dance with you / I’ll dream my love / I’ll live my love / And I’ll die to dance with…”

Kit Walker

I Don’t Need A Roof from Big Fish

Kit Walker is too good for this world, just like Edward Bloom

The thought of him being traumatized and having nightmares after his time at Briarcliff? Heartbreaking. But him coming home after his cancer diagnosis? That hits even harder

That’s when I imagine this song would come into play

Sitting and watching him sleep while crying and singing this song

Because you can’t let him see that you’re terrified of losing him but you can’t pretend you’re not

Kit is one of the only Evan characters I can see having a healthy enough relationship for this song, and that hurts

“All I need is you and you forever / All I feel is true and absolute / I don’t need a legal deed to help me play my part / I don’t need a roof to hold my heart,” 

Kyle Spencer

One Boy from Bye, Bye Birdie

A classic song for a classic boy

Pre-Death Kyle gives me very much high school sweetheart vibes

Like this is the golden retriever boy who would’ve given his girlfriend the pin off his letterman jacket

The song also kind of gives me foreshadowing feelings when it says “one boy to be with forever and ever,”

Like, you loved Kyle. You made him a promise to be there forever

But will you be able to keep that promise after his Frankenstein-style resurrection? Is he really still the same person, or has he changed enough that he isn’t the same Kyle he was before?

Mostly this song is just cute tho

“One boy, one steady boy / One boy to be with forever and ever / One boy / That’s the way it should be,”

Jimmy Darling 

Somewhere That’s Green from Little Shop of Horrors

I have a whole lot of thoughts about this one!!!

Jimmy is attractive, like we can’t deny that, but he’s not really gonna be considered “marriage material” because of his job and his hands

The 50′s are ruthless like that

Imagine, though, realizing that he’s the one you want to spend the rest of your days with despite society’s ideals

Just dreaming of domestic life with Jimmy Darling, that’s the whole post

I know a reader insert would do it to escape the reality of their terrible life because I do it too and I’m a real person

Also, the specific thought of Jimmy doing his very best to be a good dad because of his experiences makes me soft

Also, you can probably think of Dandy as Orin in this scenario, because they’re both terrible assholes

“I’m his December bride / He’s father, he knows best / Our kids watch Howdy Doody / As the sun sets in the west / A picture out of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine,” 

James Patrick March

It’s A Dangerous Game and Take Me As I Am from Jekyll and Hyde

Okay, I know this is kind of cheating but this is my post, so lets pretend it’s not

Relationships with JPM are usually portrayed as extremely balanced and loving with both parters holding pretty equal standing or extremely dark and controlling with James holding full control in the relationship.

These songs fall into each dynamic respectively

It’s A Dangerous Game is that filthy, controlling roll-in-the-sheets song you just need sometimes

It’s also delving into the literal danger

Like, Mr. March is the most prolific serial killer ever. He’s a massive sadist. Being near him while also being alive is a massive risk.

But it’s a sexy risk

Take Me As I Am is the complete opposite vibe while still talking about the exact same dude. 

It’s still a duet, but this one is even, measured, romantic... and all about accepting a criminally insane fiance for all his peculiarities! Perfect!

This is the song where JPM talks about how much he loves his wife lol

Because he might be a psycho, but he absolutely respects and cherishes his wife

“No one speaks, not one word / All the words are in our eyes / Silence speaks, loud and clear / All the words we want to hear,”

“Give me your hand, give me your heart / Swear to me we’ll never part / You know who I am / This is who I am / Take me as I am,” 

Kai Anderson

As Long As He Needs Me from Oliver

I hate Kai Anderson with a burning passion

But this song belongs to anyone who he manipulates into loving and trusting him

It’s just so sad

And it really encapsulates the idea of doing anything for the person you love even if you get less than nothing in return

It’s not healthy in any sense of the word, but it fits

“He doesn’t say the things he should / He acts the way he thinks he should / But all the same, I’ll play this game / His way,” 

Peter Maximoff

You’re The One That I Want from Grease

Who could forget the classic scene in Grease when Danny and Sandy dance through that weird fun house? Definitely not me.

This is another holdover from my Aaron Tveit phase because Grease Live was a masterpiece (it was very difficult to not include more songs he performed, because Evan gives me Aaron vibes) 

I picked this song less because of the actual content, and more because of the vibe

Like, imagine Peter Maximoff learning all the choreography from the movie in his spare time

And he shows off by whipping out the whole ass dance routine with you during karaoke night at X-Mansion complete with leather pants for the both of you

Peter might even let you borrow his jacket as a prop, who knows

It’s just a fun little ditty and it makes me smile

“You better shape up, cause I need a man / And my heart is set on you / You better shape up, you better understand / To my heart, I must be true,”

BONUS CONTENT: Peter Maximoff would sing you One Knight from Wonderland 100% it is just so him please go listen to it

[prfctethereal]

My Everything - Tom Riddle x Reader

pairing: tom riddle x reader

word count: 3,175

a/n: uhh this is my first one shot imagine thing so i hope it doesnt stink. I’ve already posted this on ao3 but i thought i might give tumblr a try. -kennedy

***

A cold winter’s day was nothing as the potions classroom steamed up in the heat. Stressed students in their last year of school fumbled with their cauldrons, scribbling notes onto their parchment, trying to remember everything they would need for their NEWTs coming up in June. Smokey fog misted the room, suffocating the students. If only someone could crack open a window - too bad they were in the dungeons.

On today’s agenda, Amortentia, the most powerful love potion in the world. It was only revision but since I had done so poorly on it last year, I was determined to get a higher score this year. Luckily, we could choose our potions partners in our seventh year, so I partnered up with my best friend, and exceedingly talented potions maker, Tom Riddle.

I’ve known Tom ever since year one. My nervous self lost on a train in a sea of strangers, unsure of where to go, unsure of where to step. Everyone seemed so intimidating and daunting; I struggled to even speak up and talk to anyone. Alone I sat, in an empty compartment, scanning my new textbooks so I wouldn’t seem so daft.

It was hard being muggleborn. I thought I would’ve been behind everyone academically, only just learning about the wizarding world last May when I turned eleven and got my Hogwarts letter. Of course, I was ecstatic - who wouldn’t be? The idea of magic had always fascinated me, growing up on fairytales and myths. But then, I traded in Snow White for Standard Book of Spells: Volume One.

Yet, as I saw the compartment door open and I locked eyes with a reserved, charming boy, I sat my book down and gave a small smile. He returned the smile with a wave, before turning his attention to the spell book in my lap, cocking an eyebrow up.

“Getting a head start?” The strange boy had asked. At that moment, I had to decide what to say. I could tell the truth and reveal that I was a nervous muggleborn who was afraid of knowing nothing in my classes, but I had already heard about the prejudice around muggleborns. Many people believed they were inferior to pureblood wizards and I wasn’t sure if this boy was one of those people. I was in no position to pass up a friendship. So I lied.

“I was just so happy to be going to Hogwarts that I just wanted to get right into the learning. I mean, I've been waiting to go for my entire life.” I stuttered out, praying that I had said the right thing. The strange boy’s face relaxed as he heard that and held his hand out in front of him, waiting for me to shake it. Hesitantly, I leaned over, taking his hand in mine. His fingers were cold and slender, curling around mine in a menacing manner. All my thoughts told me to get out of there, to run away before anything bad could happen, but I was so alone. I wanted a friend more than anything.

“My name is Tom Riddle.” His voice was smooth like melted silver, enchanting me. I could feel a pink tint rise on my cheeks, encapsulating my face in a blush. Looking down to avoid his piercing blue eyes, I smiled softly. I shook his hand as he wanted, pulling away. His hands were foreign and they felt strange wrapped around mine. Yet, so alluring.

“I’m [Y/N L/N].” I blurted, placing my hands in my lap nervously. Regret flushed into my veins as I watched his mind process what I had told him. Was my name too muggle-like? Had I given away my secret already? Yet, he smirked. A good sign, I had decided.

We talked casually for the rest of the train ride. Avoiding as many questions about my family as possible, I noticed Tom doing the exact same thing. So I never brought it up and he didn’t either. He seemed interesting though. Like his last name entailed, he was a riddle and I was curious to solve him. I was never going to get anywhere though with just small talk. I wanted to be closer to him.

At the sorting ceremony, I watched as he went up to the sorting hat. Immediately after the hat was placed upon his head, it exclaimed “Slytherin!” I had at least read up on the different houses at Hogwarts. I knew what Slytherins were about; their pureblood propaganda was almost impossible to avoid when reading Hogwarts: A History. As I saw the glint of passion in Tom’s eyes when he heard the house, I realised I had made the right choice to lie about my blood on the bus. He was ever so pleased to be a Slytherin.

When my name was called, I begged not to be in Slytherin. Tom would find out my secret if I was around him too much, so I asked the sorting hat not to place me in the house of serpents. The most I remember from that sorting ceremony was hearing “Ravenclaw” come out of the sorting hat’s mouth and fainting onto the cool ground.

Waking up in the hospital wing, my eyes fluttered open to see none other than Tom Riddle sitting in the chair next to me. He was looking out for me and at the moment, he became my best friend for the next seven years.

But now, we were seventeen years old, sleeves rolled up, sweat beading at our foreheads. I wiped it away panting heavily. I couldn’t mess up Amortentia for a second time; I would never hear the end of it from Tom. We were both top students in all our classes but in potions, he was definitely on top. As I shrugged my cardigan off, I heard him snigger under his breath, shaking his head while chuckling. I gave him dagger eyes before turning back to my potion. I knew he was mocking me for being stressed. Not everyone could be so calm while potion making.

“Do you need some help?” I heard Tom’s voice from behind me, as I flicked my head around, revealing his cocky grin, watching me from over my shoulder. My lips were pursed tight as I gave him a small smile, trying not to reveal that I was struggling. Yet, as I was about to add bat wings to the cauldron, Tom put his hands on mine, pulling it away from the bubbling mixture. “I think you do if you’re going to add uncut bat wings into the potion.”

Frantically, I looked over at my potions book, seeing that Tom was correct - they needed to be roughly chopped. Taking a deep breath, I listened to his laughs as I grabbed my knife out, chopping them up into big chunks before adding them into the deep, velvety mixture, and stirred it three times anti-clockwise. All I needed now was to wait for it to simmer, so I sat back in my chair, tying my hair up to get it off my face.

Joining me peacefully, Tom sat beside me, a smug look on his face. His potion was simmering now too. We were both very quick at making potions, even if his potions were of a better quality than mine. I closed my eyes, taking a whiff of the aromas in the room. Nothing distinct could be smelt by me, except for the boy sitting next to me. All I wished to do was fall asleep right now, but I knew that I couldn't do that, so I sat up to take the potion off the heat. It should be finished by now.

Tom followed me up and I looked into my cauldron, unsure if it was any good. Questionably, I turned my head over to Tom, hoping he could smell it and test if it was working right. Tom trusted me with the information that he was born out of a love potion and couldn’t love anyone, so if he couldn’t smell anything, it should be perfect. As I gestured to my finished potion, I offered him to smell it and he leaned in. When the fumes raised up to his nose, his eyes widened in shock, his pupils dilating.

“Well, I can smell something in there.” He laughed, but I just sighed, on the verge of tears. I really needed to make it correctly but I had messed up again. Tom noticed that I was about to break down and placed his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a small hug. His soft hands came to my cheeks, taking his thumb and rubbing my flushed cheekbone. “Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. Maybe we can restart it before Professor Slughorn comes to check on it?”

But, it was too late. Professor Slughorn had noticed the lack of us doing anything and had wandered over to us, excitedly. I tried to hide my scarlet cheeks from the old man, burying myself in Tom’s torso, yet Slughorn had arrived, eagerly wanting to smell my potion. Reluctantly, I took the lid off my cauldron and moved out of the way to let Professor Slughorn smell my Amortentia.

Surprisingly, Professor Slughorn smiled as he smelt my potion. Confused, I tried to study his face and find out what he was smiling about. My question was answered soon after. “It’s perfect, Miss [L/N], it’s absolutely perfect. I can smell my late wife perfectly. Outstanding work! A big improvement from last year, aye?”

I was so shocked by what Slughorn had just said that I just nodded and gulped, looking over to Tom next to me. He looked even more nervous than me, avoiding eye contact with me as Professor Slughorn walked off. “You said you could smell something,” I asked Tom, “so why did you lie?”

“I didn’t.” Tom said quietly, leaning over his own cauldron. He took his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing nervously. I wasn’t paying much attention though, as I bent down over my own cauldron, taking in the aroma of the Amortentia. Old parchment, fire, and -

Tom caught my eye. His face looked pale, as if all the colour had been drained. Shyly, I looked away, turning my attention away from Tom and towards our teacher, folding my hands awkwardly in my lap.

“So, that’s the last lesson of the term. Over the holidays, I would like two rolls of parchment on the effects of Amortentia on a person. You may go now.��� Slughorn said, before dismissing us. I grabbed my book bag before heading swiftly out of the potion classroom. As I left, I was met with a great gust of wind, sending shivers down my spine, cooling me down immediately, to a point where the sweat felt like icicles. Opening my bag, I searched for my cardigan, realising I had left it in the classroom.

Clumsily, I reentered the classroom, to see that the only one left in the room was Tom. He turned to me as I walked in, so I flashed him a calm smile. Strolling back to my seat, I took my cardigan in my hands, wrapping it around my cold body. Leaving the class, Tom followed after me, catching up to me and engaging me in conversation.

“So, everyone leaves tomorrow for the holidays.” Tom started, “What do you want to do first?” A dangerous smirk raised on his face, waiting for my answer. As a tradition, every year we stayed at school together, two of the only people who stayed, and caused mayhem to all the teachers and remaining students. It was the most exciting time of year. It always ended with us falling asleep on Christmas Eve in the Astronomy Tower, watching all the stars into the night. Unfortunately, this year was different.

“I have to go home this year.” Tom’s face fell as I said these words, his eyes filling with sadness. Before he could ask why, I answered his question. “I’m going to be eighteen soon and that means I’m going to get married. My parents want me to go home and meet my new fiancé that I’m going to have to marry. I’m sorry Tom.”

“Y-you’re getting married?” Tom stuttered, and he never stuttered. I looked away from him ashamed. He looked at me like I was some foreign person, someone who he didn’t know. I couldn’t even look at me.

“I’m sorry.” I spluttered out, as I turned the corner towards the Ravenclaw tower, leaving Tom down in the dungeons. I turned back towards him before quietly saying, “goodbye Tom.”

***

Morning broke and I woke up early to pack my suitcase up. Of course, I didn't want to go home. I didn’t want to be a victim to some muggle arranged marriage. In all honesty, my parents were ashamed of me being a witch. That’s why I never returned home each winter holiday, only going back to them in the summer holidays, when I needed to. Hoping that it would squash out the magic in my blood, my parents were forcing me to marry the blandest, most normal man they could find.

I decided to skip breakfast this morning, being unable to even look at Tom. Last night at dinner had been sufficiently awkward enough, even while ignoring him as much as possible. Yet, I could feel his eyes burning the back of my head the entire time. I couldn’t handle that again so I decided I could just get something to eat on the train.

It was currently nine o’clock in the morning. The train was scheduled to leave at ten so I had to hurry up, shoving as many as my muggle clothes in my bag as possible. If this day couldn’t get any worse, outside my window I could see the clouds closing in, small raindrops falling onto my window pane. Sighing, I pulled out an old sweater that I had given to Tom to borrow earlier this term. It still smelt like him - the smell was alluring.

The plan was to get out of the castle and onto the platform as soon as possible. I could talk to Tom one on one again once I had gotten back from my trip, but I was still terrified of what would happen. He was my best friend, surely he would understand?

Taking a carriage out of Hogwarts, I arrived in Hogsmeade, ready to take the train. With my suitcase in hand, I reached up to grab onto the train, yet I was pulled back onto the platform. 9:50am. The train would leave in ten minutes and I needed to get on. Also, it was raining harder now, and I wasn’t happy about getting soaked.

I knew it was Tom who pulled me away and I couldn’t disagree with his feelings. I had left him with nothing. I had ignored him for the past sixteen hours. I was being a bad friend, I know, but I couldn’t stand to see him sad and miserable. It hurt me. It hurt him. I hated seeing him hurt

9:52am. We had finally reached our destination. A small secluded area away from the platform. It may have been quiet but I was still being pummeled by the rain, shivering in my thin sweater. I looked up through my dew-covered eyelashes up to Tom, who stood much taller than me. His normally perfect curls were damp and limp, clinging tightly to his pale face. His eyes had a look of disappointment and confusion in them. His hands were resting on the sides of my arms, not letting me go. For a few moments, we just stood there, staring at each other, breathing heavily, until Tom finally spoke.

“Don’t go.” Tom finally said. 9:54am. I couldn’t find the words to say, the only thing coming out of my mouth was incomprehensible sounds.

“I have to go. My parents-”

“I don’t care about them. Stay here. With me.”

“What about my marri-?”

Tom looked away and I stopped talking. Out of instinct, I took my rain-sodden hand up to his cheek, turning him towards me. I leaned in closer to him, trying to get him to see where I was coming from. Yet, my heart fluttered at our closeness. He no longer felt cold, like when I first met him. His hands were warm. His eyes were kind. He was different.

“You will regret it if you go.” Tom muttered. “I know you will. I know you. And no man will ever know you like I do.”

9:56am. I really had to go, but I couldn’t leave Tom here. Slowly, I released him from my grasp and went back in, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him into a warm hug. His arms fell perfectly around my waist, pulling me in tighter. I never wanted to move, but I felt his hand leave my waist. My heart fell for a moment until he reattached his hand to my chin, tilting my head upwards. That’s when his lips connected with mine.

His lips were soft, something I didn’t expect. Truthfully, I didn’t expect a kiss at all. It was innocent as small as first, slowly releasing me, but it wasn’t enough. My heart wanted more, so I cupped his cheeks with my hands and pulled him in for another kiss, more passionate than the first. Our lips were synchronised perfectly, our touch igniting each other. It was as if I had never been happy before and Tom filled me with all the joy I needed. Then, he pulled away, placing a piece of my wet hair behind my ear. “Don’t go.”

9:58am. “I have to go. I can’t stay here. I’m not enough.” I looked down but Tom’s hand pulled me upwards again so I could feel his breath on my ear.

“I love-”

I pulled away before he could finish. He was making a mistake. He had no idea who I really was and it seemed like time to finally tell him.

“Tom, I am not who you think I am.” I started, feeling Tom’s eyes watching me intently. “I’m nothing more than a muggle born witch. I’m a mudblood. I’m nothing compared to you.”

9:59am. He didn't hesitate. He didn’t say anything. I was waiting for him to say something, to end this awkward silence, but instead, he just pulled me into another kiss.

“[Y/N] [L/N], I do not care that you are muggle born. You aren’t nothing. You are my everything and I love you. I love you so much.”

For one last time, he pulled me into a tight kiss and none of us let go. The rain poured down, keeping us in a tight bubble of our own heat. I could never let go.

10:00am.

I heard the train’s horn go but I didn’t care.

I pulled away, much to Tom’s despair, but whispered something, almost inaudibly.

“I love you too.”

[cozy-corner-system]

hii I was wondering what exactly counts as amnesia.. what is the difference between the amnesia seen in DID and the “little to no” amnesia in OSDD-1b.. also… what exactly counts as “not fully defined alters” in OSDD-1a .. and can OSDD-1a have fictives? im rlly unsure which I have at this point bc I don’t know if what is happening counts as amnesia ….I can remember things I guess but sometimes it takes me a bit to recall them and I don’t have emotions attached to some memories?… like as an example I remember some trauma but feel NOTHING towards it .. or I’ll remember some daily memories and it feels like they didn’t even happen. The days before the current present feels like a dark void that never existed ..

Hey there!

So, we are going to put a big disclaimed that although we have read up on DID and OSDD, and looked at and listened to the experiences of other, fellow dissociative Systems, our words are definitely not gospel! I'm going to say that this will be a post for open and civil discussion, especially for extra information!

Now, onto the bigger answers; amnesia by your typical dictionary definition is having the partial or total lack of memory. However, for Systems, it can be a little trickier than that! From what we understand, DID Systems are those who do experience at least some or quite a bit of memory-based amnesia between alters. If Alter C is fronting for a whole day, and then Alter F fronts the next day, chances are that Alter C will be the only to remember what exactly happened the previous day prior. Emotions, tasks, appointments, conversations, etc. However, I think it would be a little untrue to say all, or even most, DID Systems experience full black-outs between alters. I've seen the term "gray-out" be used, to mostly describe how, yes, there are amnesiac barriers between alters, but it isn't that severe.

For us, as an OSDD-1b System, our "little to no amnesia" comes in the form of this: In the morning, Dimuza is fronting. They have breakfast, watch their cryptid shows and paranormal documentaries, and go about the morning. In the mid-afternoon, a switch occurs where Annabelle is now fronting. She may be able to recall "Oh yeah, Dimuza had fruit loops for breakfast, and binged a whole season of Destination Truth", but she wouldn't feel an emotional connection to it because the emotions of those memories are now carried by Dimuza!

We do experience a little memory-based amnesia, as well. Once we lost connection to someone we thought of as a friend, and quite a few of us didn't even really know until it was communicated in some way. We like to call this the "You Just Had To Be There" affect!

Because of our little to no amnesia, we also have a much easier time to communicate with one another, wherein a System with much stronger amnesia (and as such, amnesiac barriers), communication between alters is more often held in the outer world rather than the inner world.

From what we've read and understand of OSDD-1a, this is a System far more related to the Different, Distinct Emotions of the Host. I once saw someone describe it and the alters as "the different flavors of You". Basically, you may have Rupert, who holds most, if not all of the sadness of the body. Then, you have Marty, who holds most, if not all the anger. Because the alters of OSDD-1a Systems tend to be far more emotionally-based than other dissociative Systems, this is most likely why they would be labeled as "not fully defined alters"!

My knowledge on OSDD-1a is very limited, but we do definitely believe that it is possible for OSDD-1a Systems to have fictives, to an extent!

To wrap it up, in regards to your description of how your memories work and feel;

I/we heavily relate to what you have just describes. It perfectly encapsulates what we go through, especially with our own recent situations and traumatic incidents. Looking back on something and knowing, logically, that what happened is and would be considered trauma, yet feeling little to nothing towards it, is exactly how we experience our emotional amnesia. Sometimes, that emotional detachment is so strong, that it doesn't even feel like it happened.

When this happens in therapy, we describe it as "I feel like I'm talking about someone else's memories/life story, like this isn't even mine and that I shouldn't be talking about it". Our brains create these amnesiac barriers to protect the Host; to make sure they don't continue to fully struggle and deal with the brunt of trauma that was dealt with. It makes us have these detachments to protect us, and it makes our alters so that someone holds onto it.

This was very long, but I feel like it was the best way for us to answer this. Hopefully this isn't too lengthy of a response, but also that it is one that can be helpful to you. We're giving you the best wishes, anon, in figuring things out <3 /gen /p

[goldafterglow]

Head canon: MAKING JACK BLUSH. I NEED TO SEE IT. 🥺

Summary: Jack Daniels is a pretty cowboy.

Paring: Jack “Whiskey” Daniels x reader

Word Count: 1.3k+

Warnings: soft!Jack, no sins but they are for sure basking in the post-sin afterglow, a lil bit of blushing for our baby boy, this is not beta read bc i’m impatient

Author’s Note: YESDJHGJFD I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF THIS. This is also my first little like drabble, except it’s too long but ig 1.3k is a drabble for me kids this is the standard.

It’s early in the morning. 1:43 am to be exact. But you can’t bring yourself to end the night; he always make it so hard to sleep. In a good way of course; a really good way.

It’s in the afterglow that his feelings begin to melt, glaciers in his mind turning to liquid as the golden amber spills gently from his lips and over your chest so that it will encapsulate you, dry around you and encase you, keeping his words wrapped around your body forever. Embroidered into the soft chenille of your neck and whispered into the lobes of your ears. He speaks to you in a way that you can feel; it’s a pleasure of its own to feel his lips kiss the dips of your clavicles through his words, his voice low and sending wide vibrations through your sternum. It feels sinful, heavenly, like something too good to be right.

It feels nice.

You’re laid by him on your side, face buried into his bare chest as his thick fingers run along the curve of your spine, re-exploring you with a sense of focused clarity that he doesn’t often get when he’s overwhelmed with lust and passion. His fingers are careful, sensitive, picking up on every bump and blemish until he can paint the perfect picture of you under his closed eyelids, even as the meek moonlight bathes your waist and glimmers against the sheets. Perfect.

He’s resolved to a comfortable state of wordlessness, eyes trained on the top of your head as you bask. There truly is something golden about the afterglow he casts onto you; you always seem to feel like you’re floating, like not even gravity could keep you from ascending to the clouds with him. He makes you feel precious.

With an inhale of his musk, you slowly nudge your chin so that you can look up at him, fingers tracing his jaw. You love to let him shower you in his affection like a delicate hummingbird is kissed by tiny drops of rain, but you rarely take the time to take him in. The bump of his nose is highlighted by the window’s rays, his lips still a little blushed and swollen from the night. The side of your palm runs up along the side of his face before finding his hair; it’s been mussed, disheveled by your greedy fingers. Gorgeous.

“What’s going on in that big beautiful mind of yours, angel?” Jack ponders, prodding you tenderly with his words. He can tell when you’re lost in thought, lost in him. Perhaps he can’t tell when you have no desire to be found, when you want to be left to traverse the tall grass of his forest and hug the applewood in his eyes. What a way to go.

“Nothing, Jack,” you assure. It’s a weak excuse, an almost embarrassing attempt at deflecting his question, but maybe it’s because you want him to ask you again, dig a little deeper into you so he can make a home inside you. Never leave.

“Now, darlin’,” he starts, feigning a little sternness in his tone, “I think you know good and well that ol’ Jack can tell when you’re fibbin’. Ain’t no use lyin’ to me, honey. I’ll catch ya every time.” Your heart swells swells a little at his words, because he’s so honest with you. You know he knows you, sometimes better than you know yourself. He’s made you his hobby, learning you like a subject and studying you like a book. He can always read you.

And yeah; he always catches you.

You take a few diamond-adorned seconds to look at him; his mustache rests right on top of his soft smile, there to accent his words and tickle your neck when he’s feeling playful. His eyes are wide like when a two-month old baby can finally look at its mother in awe, utterly mystified and doe-y. His face is sculpted by the gods, chiseled to magnificence in his charcoal features, and yet he uses it to show you he loves you. He loves you.

“You’re so pretty, Jack,” you whisper. The words barely leave your lips as a noise, traveling to his ears as wisps of the breeze you blow onto him.

Jack Daniels is floored.

It’s not a word he’d ever use to describe himself. Cocky, sure. Sexy, absolutely. Brash, confident, competent; he wasn’t too shy to toot his own horn every once in a while. But pretty? Flowers are pretty; butterflies are pretty. When the sleepy sun yawns and breathes a peach glow onto the front-porch flower bed, that’s pretty. When you step outside to dip yourself in the golden afterglow and he walks out into the backyard to find you sitting on the quaint bench he built just for you. When he drags himself into the kitchen in the morning to find you already there, frying up bacon on his stove in nothing but his unbuttoned flannel and last night’s bra; that is fucking pretty.

But Jack Daniels -- is he pretty? He looks down at you carefully. He can tell when you’re fibbin’, after all. 

You don’t look like a dishonest woman to him.

“You’ve already got me in bed with you,” he teases, trying to deflect. He can’t handle the weight of your words, isn’t strong enough to hide what they do to him, and he needs you to take them back before he bursts into a supernova of rouge love. “You don’t need to-”

“I mean it, baby,” you interrupt, tone serious. You can tell he doesn’t want to believe you, doesn’t want to grapple with the intensity of your thoughts. But he needs to know, he has to trust you’re not deceiving him. “You’re beautiful.”

His smirk is gone, his smug, self-assured grin nowhere to be seen. The room is dark; he knows that. But the moonlight hits him just right, at just the right angle that you can see that sweet strawberry syrup tint his cheeks, giving him up. You can’t help but smile a little, like you’ve done something good. He’s good.

Jack’s breathing is a little jagged, his heartbeats a little stuttered. What was it he’d done to deserve you again? Oh right; nothing.

Your hand leaves his hand to cup his red cheek, thumb running right under his big eyes. He leans into it, face turning a little to nuzzle your palm, and the notion makes you giggle. A fierce lion reduced to a whimsical lamb, so gentle under your touch. He is vulnerable when he is with you, especially in these shared moments of solitude, and you wonder if you could look at him like this forever.

Blushing.

“C’mere, pretty boy,” you tease, but you mean it. You mean every word.

You nudge him towards you, his face finding solace in your chest. He shifts down a little, his soft body wrapping around your middle. He can hide in you, feel pretty in your arms. He’s safe in you.

“You think I’m pretty, sugar?” he asks softly. Almost a little timid. He’s embarrassed to need validation like this, ashamed that he’s practically begging you to say those words again, but you make him feel so warm, so secure, and he knows that the last person to leave him for a lapse in strength is you.

You press a kiss to the top of his scalp, his wild hair tickling your nose but you don’t care; you want him close. Closer.

“I know it,” you whisper, throat closing on itself a little because you’re so grateful that you finally get to tell him. That Jack can finally begin to grasp just how much he means to you. There’s so much more you want to say, but you don’t want to overwhelm him with it because you know he loves you with a fury and passion that drowns him without you piling on your love too.

And as Jack closes his eyes, finally ready to let the night end, he thinks he might know it too.

Tags (ik this is a drabble but idk lmao):  @gustavos @catfishingmorales @keeper0fthestars @1zashreena1 @blancatobarxoxo @honeyedspace @chaotic-noceur @opheliaelysia @adikaofmandalore @din-damn-djarin @mrsparknuts @girlwithanewplan @mrschiltoncat @buckstaposition @the-feckless-wonder @ergotautology (girl you know what to do) 

also im gonna never tag anyone in my headcanons again bc that was embarrassing yikes gjfhdjgd

[feynavaley]

That's not true, atleast not in canon, when he sees france is truly down about his new uniform he shown real worry and even America when he's down after being dismissed by African citizens, he cares and he acts, his acts are rejected inboth the cases because he's not exactly in good terms with either of them yet but that hasn't stopped Jim from showing worry. And it continues in modern world too.

I know HC mean making stuff up but do you have a reason for believing this way

Hi and thanks for the questions.

I have already partially addressed this in a reblog of that post [x], which I have since deleted because you guys are right – I did go overboard compared to what I actually meant to say. I'm sorry about this, I was half-asleep and posted that without thinking too much. I don't think England is unkind or callous at all. I do think he may come across this way at times, though.

Regarding the last point, there’s an important clarification to be made: coming across as something doesn’t mean truly being like that. England cares a lot and he has a big heart, I’ve never claimed the contrary. All I was trying to say was that he has trouble expressing it.

Furthermore, I should mention that my headcanons aren't meant to be taken as absolute. You can't encapsulate the entirety of a character in a few lines, they're much too complex for that. When I write such a short headcanon, it's only about one aspect of a character. In England's case, this is even more important than it is for other characters. I see England almost like an onion: there are many layers to him and to how he behaves, and his behaviour changes a lot depending on the situation and how uncomfortable he is.

Now, let me reiterate one thing: England is kind. In a neutral situation, when there's nothing he particularly cares about at stake, he has no trouble being kind and attentive. In spite of this, England is also extremely insecure – an insecurity born out of many rejections and bad experiences. Due to this, I think England may have trouble expressing himself and his true nature in situations that are more emotionally loaded. On one hand, he'd like to – on the other hand, the fear of rejection holds him back.

This doesn't mean England never intervenes. I never actually meant that (but definitely came across too strongly in the post) because he does when he cares about people and he thinks they're upset – but I do think it's extra hard for him, and it may make him come across as harsher than he means to. Even the situations you mention can lead to this: as you said, England was kind – only for his actions to be misinterpreted and overlooked. After these multiple experiences, don’t you think it would be harder for England to keep trying? I don’t think it would be far-fetched. Moreover, his confidence has been shaken more and more over the years, which I think would make him more hesitant to intervene.

England has also being called ‘a tsundere’ by Himaruya himself, which was also shown in several snippets: even when he’s being kind, if he’s feeling vulnerable he becomes flustered and acts in a sort of roundabout way that can make him come across as harsher than he means to. Once again, the key-word is ‘come across’. England isn’t like that, but he does tend to act in a way that portrays his character as worse than it actually is.

That being said, I acknowledge that I definitely went too far and worded that speculation of mine too harshly. It’s true that England does intervene, at last. Still, I do think it takes a lot out of him.

Lastly, there’s another point I’d like to address because I think that one ruffled some feathers and might have been a reason behind some harsh answers I got: I do not think Canada is, overall, a better person than England. The reason I made that comparison is that Canada and England share similarly severe self-esteem issues. However, Canada is younger and more naive than England – and, more importantly, other personifications are much kinder with him than they generally are with England. I’m simplifying a lot here, but as a result, Canada developed a positive mindset whereas England turned to pessimism in order to protect himself from the disappointment. I’m of the opinion this can also make Canada more likely to act even though he’s internally second-guessing himself just as hard as England is – but Canada hasn’t faced the same kind of rejection, which does make an impact.

I hope my point makes sense now! And thanks for correcting me.