The whole discourse about the privacy/secrecy/support thing has been sitting with me for a few days (I mean other than it always does to a certain degree) thanks to all the excellent discussion happening and I know I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said a million times before, but I think what we're seeing and what we're going to learn (e.g. from TTPD) is that it wasn't just the support issue, but how it was shown/handled.
We've all gone out of our way to show that introversion =/= lack of support. Someone can be shy, reserved, etc. and still show up for their partner, whether in public or at home. To chalk any of the differences up to the clash between introversion and extroversion is unfair to folks who count themselves among either tbh.
@thisisctrying said something the other day that hit the nail on the head about how if that support had been offered in private, there very well may not have been a Joever to begin with, or at least not at this point in time. (Sorry for loosely paraphrasing, and for namedropping you! Long time listener, first time poster.)
If this were a case where the "shy" partner said, "I am really uncomfortable with the spotlight personally and do not want to court it, but I will support you in your ambitions and offer you whatever you need to make them happen and make the glare bearable," I suspect that would have gone a long way to making Taylor feel seen and comfortable in pursuing her goals in the way that she now has. Again, that might have been more akin to the balance that seemed to have been struck around 2019 from what we can see, but even speaking in a general sense, there are lots of couples out there, celebrity or not, that have similar approaches where there are highly driven people and busy careers involved.
(A famous example being Dolly Parton's marriage. Tbh I know next to nothing about her and Carl, but she's always heralded as an example in this regard, because her husband is famously uncomfortable with the spotlight and hasn't accompanied her to public events in decades, but she's said that she never minded that because that was always work to her, and what was important was that he supported her in pursuing all her career goals and basically ensured she had a place to call home to return to at the end of the day.)
We're kind of in a brave new world with her current relationship because it felt like, at least at the start, we were maybe watching her figure out her boundaries in real time as to what she was comfortable with or not and adjust accordingly. Like so many have said, I fully believe the extreme privacy thing was initially driven by herself and her experiences in 2016, and she needed that quiet time to recover from all of the things and figure out how to exist in the world again.
Stating the obvious, it seemed like eventually privacy was equated with secrecy, turning the relationship and the celebrity into the elephant in the room and something to never be spoken of to the outside world. People are free to choose whatever works best for themselves and their relationships, and for some the separate public lives might work, but the “kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath” theme is all over her work and it’s clear that it’s a sore spot for her, because she’s been made to feel shame just for the life she leads so many times in the past.
What I’m trying to say is that it’s pretty obvious something Not Great was happening behind the scenes, which didn’t just amount to “she wanted to be a public celebrity and he wanted to be a private hermit.” (Also, in case anyone forgot, this is a person who also chose a public-facing career who also has to engage in press for it, but I digress.) As her career reached new heights post-folklore, if she had the support at home to do all the things without judgment and with encouragement, and in turn offer the same support to her partner, she may have very well lived just fine with that, not unlike Dolly Parton’s case.
By reading between the lines in all the press since, as well as comments on tour and general ~vibes~ with TTPD teasers, it seems like one of the issues was that that was likely not the case. There was all the stuff that we saw — the reticence to acknowledge each other in the media (particularly on one side), the lack of public support even at events at which they were both in attendance for their respective jobs, the great lengths they went to not to be photographed together at events they attended yet no problem taking pictures with other friends and coworkers, the jobs that separated them, the withdrawing from the public even for work accomplishments, etc. Which could all be manageable if a couple chooses to do so together and are not inherently a sign of trouble in themselves.
But what we’re seeing now I think is a reflection of the things we weren’t seeing then, and it seems to indicate some very deep hurt. (I know, call me Captain Obvious.) And like so many have been saying, it feels likely that that part of that hurt is rooted in that very lack of private support where a person would expect it from their partner. Obviously as a Taylor fan blog I’m going to be more inclined to understand her side of a story, but tbh, it’s also because… this is sooooooo common, and something I’ve experienced in my friend group. (@taylortruther is right when she says most breakups are the same one way or another lol.)
One partner is resentful of the other’s success, or resentful that the other’s priorities begin to evolve as new experiences unlock new goals, or feels the other’s ambitions are not worthy of pursuit, and coupled with perhaps their own struggles in the same domain, it’s easy to see where that can chip away at the other partner’s morale and faith in the relationship. I know I’m just speculating here, but I also don’t think it’s totally unfounded. (Again, because a) I’m picking up what she’s putting down and b) it happens to sooooooo many women even among us dull normals.)
With all the pointed mentions about how much Taylor feels supported in her current relationship and how she in turn loves to offer the same show of support to not only her partner but other loved ones, how she’s stepped out more in the last year to a whole host of events, how she’s mentioned feeling like she locked herself away for years and she’s just proud of her partner and happy she can show up for him even if the chaos around it is unsettling, it paints a picture of what perhaps was happening before last year.
To feel like you’re all alone in carrying the weight of the relationship (or burden of it), of twisting yourself into knots to accommodate the other person’s boundaries (or insecurities) but not feeling reciprocity for your own has to be so painful. (The idea that it may have been even darker and to have a partner not only be unreceptive to your own needs but even perhaps resentful/dismissive/belittling of them is even more painful to think of. I guess we’ll find out when TTPD comes out if that was the case, too.)
At a certain point, that lack of acknowledgement will force your hand to be able to reclaim yourself. And it feels like the further removed Taylor in particular is from it, the more she moves from being sad about the life she felt she gave up by leaving, to angry at the life she felt she was giving up by staying. Especially being in a relationship now where it seems like everything comes much easier, where she can be open about the person she’s with and show up for them, all the stuff that seemed as challenging as climbing Mount Everest in her past is nothing more than a molehill at best in her current life.
TL;DR: I don’t think it’s privacy that inherently spells doom for a celebrity relationship like this; it’s the mutual support and respect that does. If Taylor had felt that in the later years of her previous relationship, I think we could be seeing a different, though not necessarily unfulfilled, person right now in 2024, who’d be happy on tour but whose personal life would look a little different. But it seems like by losing that support she lost parts of herself, and we’ve seen her reclaim that in spades in the last year, and perhaps to degrees she didn’t even realize she could from before all the Bad Stuff started happening in her young adulthood.
I know this was extremely long-winded and unnecessary, especially about total strangers we only know through scraps fed through the media, but I just always bristle at this idea that issues like these boil down to “personality differences,” as though one person wants to live in a city and the other on a remote island, or some shit like that. The whole support (and gender tbh) issue is one that’s just very close to my heart because again, I have seen it play out with so many of my friends in long term relationships and marriages and I just think people in relationships (and women in particular in some circles) deserve better than to feel like they’re being, well, tolerated.
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if westeros was created to reflect our modern society instead of being loosely based off of western medieval society, then i think people would understand that these political marriages are for alliances, not love, and would agree that the modern lower class sentiments towards marriage are simply not applicable to these arrangements and both bride and groom cannot and should not expect love from their partner.
if our story occurred in a modern westeros very similar to our own modern society, then a lot of the obstacles our characters face would not happen because, simply put, modern society benefits from equality.
as an example, i am quite (100%) certain that the introduction of gender equality and other modern values and advancements to westeros would only be beneficial to rhaegar and elia, which means that this ideology benefits westerosi society on an individual level.
so, in this modern westeros au, if rhaegar and elia still married for a political alliance, and then had two children like they did in asoiaf, they could then peacefully divorce and write out a contract that secures both rhaenys and aegons inheritances. if lyanna and rhaegar met and fell in love while rhaegar and elia were married then the misunderstanding that sparked a war would never have happened. why? because lyanna would have a say in who she marries in this modern au. also, elia would have possibly been seeing others as well. why? because this was a political marriage and love shouldn’t be expected, so why would anyone be concerned about either party finding love outside of their marriage? plus modern westeros would have dna testing so there’s no reason to question the paternity of their children.
also, if elia had a child with someone else (in this hypothetical scenario, perhaps her lover died) and rhaegar decided to claim that child as his own while knowing that he’s not the real father in order to give this child a better life, then this wouldn’t be a problem either. why? because rhaegar’s in the know. (i’m only bringing this up bc of the rhaenyra and laenor situation. guys… laenor is perfectly aware that biologically those kids aren’t his, yet he still claimed them and loved them bc he and rhaenyra had an agreement. i do not understand why real ppl are even concerned about jace, luke, and joffs parentage. in the eyes of the law those boys are legally laenors.)
however, since asoiaf isn’t based off of our modern society and is instead a society riddled with misogyny, xenophobia and other social issues without the progress and advancements that we in the 21st century have benefited from, i will concede one thing to these antis who harp on and on about how selfish rhaenyra and rhaegar were for loving someone who wasn’t their spouse and for having a child(ren) out of wedlock.
because yes, rhaegar and lyanna’s love can be considered an act of selfishness, and rhaenyra loving harwin and having children with him can also be considered selfish.
but guess what? love in general is a very selfish state of being. you are prioritizing your partner and your desires over everything and everyone else in your life.
one of the greatest love stories of all time, romeo and juliet, is a tale of two selfish lovers who seek to be together despite the immense hatred between their families. selfless and dutiful children would never love an enemy. and yet, despite romeo and juliet’s love story ending in tragedy, no one would ever argue that these two lovers were in the wrong for simply trying to be together even though their love caused their families great grief. why? because the feud between the Montagues and the Capulets was stupid. and the story ends with the characters agreeing that this feud went on for long enough and acknowledging the fact that this petty feud between the families was the cause of their misery and the tragedy that befell them.
though the circumstances of all three love stories are different, it’s undeniable that these lovers were selfish for prioritizing their own desires over their duties to their houses.
to end this little spiel, i’d like to mention that the reason i first brought up a modern au was to remind people that the only reason rhaelya and rhaenyra’s relationship with harwin can be so decisively called selfish is because these characters live in westeros. and westeros is a fucked up society rooted in systematic oppression, violence, and abuse and other forms of exploitation in order to further the agenda of the powerful despite the harm it causes. any modern comforts and progressive ideas hinder the control the patriarchs have over their families and put a name to the bigotry expressed against these unconventional relationships. so yes, their love is selfish because being unconventional in such a backwards society is a recipe for disaster, especially since both of these relationships hinge on a woman deciding to take control of her sexual autonomy, which is a big no no in westeros since a woman’s body only belongs to her father and husband. so yes, these love stories are selfish because these characters are prioritizing themselves in a society that benefits from them losing their autonomy and harms them and their loved ones when they try to take back their autonomy.
to finish off, the reason i brought up the tragic love story of romeo and juliet is to remind people that even though rhaegar and lyanna’s love was selfish, other characters still need to be held accountable for their actions that helped to escalate this misunderstanding into a tragedy that consumed all of westeros.
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I have an idea for the family law au, what if Thena has a medical emergency (up to you what kind) and Gil comforts and helps to take care of her?
"Gil!"
"Oh, uh," he looked away from the nurse going through her charts, "that's her, actually."
"You know we can't let just anyone in here, sir."
But Sersi trotted over to them, swinging her arms tightly beside her. She turned her big, sad eyes on the nurse, "I called him. Please, we need help."
The woman sighed and rolled her eyes, but it was three in the morning and she waved them along.
"Thank you," Gil murmured, joining Sersi in her trip back down the hall. "Hey, are you okay?"
She nodded, continuing her anxious little tip-toeing that made it seem like she was looking for the washroom. "Thena isn't happy that we called you. But we didn't know what else to do. Just be warned."
He didn't have any trouble imagining the Thena he knew - the Ice Queen of the office - being too proud to call for help in a situation like this. "Sprite kind of told me what happened over the phone but I don't know if I have all the details."
Sersi sighed, coming to a halt and her shoulders sagging (deeply). She toyed with the ends of her oversized green flannel. "It's our fault."
"Hey," Gil corrected immediately and without hesitation, "that's not true."
"It is," she squeaked, sniffling through the tears she was trying to keep at bay. "We were too scared. We heard a noise and asked her to look downstairs."
"And she slipped?" he guessed, which made Sersi squeeze around herself tighter again. He gave her shoulder a squeeze, leaning down slightly. "Sersi, it's an accident. It's no one's fault, okay?"
She hiccuped quietly.
"I'm gonna say the same thing to Sprite too," he continued as he moved closer to the room again. Sersi positioned herself at the door.
"Thena?" Sersi knocked gently and cracked the door just slightly at first. "Gil's here."
"Come in, Sersi." The words weren't harsh, but the tone certainly was that of the Ice Queen of the office.
Gil didn't envy the girls as he closed the door behind him. Thena was obviously having a terrible time, propped up in her hospital bed, a large, uneven bow at the neck of her hospital gown, Sprite miserably leaning against the railing of the bed like a wounded puppy.
She looked up at him, pale and with a little purple at the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry, Gil."
"Don't be," he excused just as easily as he had with Sersi. He seated himself next to the bed, while Sersi moved to the opposite side to join her other sister. "How're you feeling?"
"Like I broke my arm."
The girls winced, and he watched Thena physically reel in her sharp tone and cutting words. She visibly softened herself, looking at her younger sisters on her other side (her injured side).
"It's okay, the doctor said it's a minor fracture at worst, I'll be fine in a month."
Gil was willing to bet they had been told six weeks, if not longer, and she was doing her best to sugar coat things for the tearful girls. He leaned forward, making an effort to catch Sprite's eye. "You did the right thing, calling me, kid. It was the right call."
Sprite manged to lift her head enough to look at him. Despite the bluer colour than Thena's, they certainly had similar eyes. "Thanks, Gil."
Thena looked back at him, able to do little more than swivel her head and leave her arm cushioned in the temporary sling they had offered. "I'm sorry to bother you, I know it's an unholy time of night."
"Oh, that's okay," he shook his head, "I was up anyway."
"You were-" Thena shook her head faintly. "Why would-!"
Gil blinked, watching as Thena's face shifted through a couple different emotions. Usually he had to try pretty hard to read what she was thinking. But he watched as she outwardly went from confused, to horrified, to maybe even embarrassed. Without any makeup, he could see how pale she really was, and the natural blush in her cheeks.
"I-I'm sorry, we shouldn't have--I'll apologise to, uhm, whomever..." Thena trailed off, shifting herself in the bed needlessly, even risking moving her arm to do it.
Sprite and Sersi adjusted her pillows for her, trying to keep her from the need to move at all.
"You don't have to apologise," Gil frowned, just as confused. "Really, I don't mind. I mean, even if I was asleep, I would have come in a heartbeat."
Thena seemed to know even less how to respond to that. And the kids were just as confused about all of it. She cleared her throat, tilting her head in such a way that seemed like maybe she was just stretching her neck. He leaned closer so she could whisper, "I meant if I should apologise to your...date--I-I will."
"Oh!" Gil squawked, and way too loudly for a hospital at night. He shot back into his chair, ducking his head down as if someone would come into the room and shush him. "N-No, no, really, it's nothing like that!"
"Like what?" Sprite voiced first, although by now Sersi had caught on to at least something along the lines of it.
"Uh," Gil searched for the words, trying not to seem so embarrassed over what was, in actuality, nothing. He cleared his throat, "I-I just mean, you didn't wake me up. I've been working on this special recipe I've been wanting to try. It needs to be basted every three hours for a whole day, and I can't do it while I'm at work, so I try stuff like this overnight and set an alarm for myself."
"Dude, that's psycho," Sprite informed him, and was able to escape the consequences because her oldest sister couldn't reach her to pinch her arm. She corrected her statement, "I mean, uh, cool."
"How often do you cook through the night?" Thena frowned at him.
"Well, not often, and usually I would try it on the weekend, but it was on sale, and I wanted to get it at its freshest , so," he shrugged. Despite the nature of the misunderstanding, he had to chuckle a little. "I'll bring some over for you to try."
"Gil, you really don't-" Thena was in the middle of shaking her head to tell him he didn't have to do anything else.
But he did; he grinned. "I do, though. I mean, you at least need a ride home. That's why I was called, I believe."
Thena practically growled at being reminded of why they were all here together at such a terrible hour in the first place.
"And there's no way you can cook with one arm," he continued, gesturing as he did. "Even if you can type with your non-dominant hand, I wouldn't recommend trying to get in to work while it's still too fresh."
Thena huffed, throwing her head back against her pillow. "Fine, fine, yes, knight in shining armour, do assist us helpless maidens."
The girls snickered at their sister's attitude. But Gil stood and leaned into Thena's upward point of view. "Thena, I know you're more than capable. But maybe, if there's any time for me to help, it would be now?"
Maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was the weird hospital lights, but he could swear her eyes looked a little glassy. "You've done more than enough already."
He did not agree. But he kept that to himself, resisting the urge to sort out her mussed locks of blonde for her. "I don't think of it as enough, or less than or more than. There's just what you can do, y'know? And I can, so I want to."
Maybe that was too reductive. Sprite didn't even look like she had followed what he had said. But Sersi seemed to, and had that excited look on her face as she was gazing at Thena, awaiting her response.
Thena furrowed her brows at him, creating that little knot between her eyebrows he thought was kind of cute. "Okay, counsellor, stop grandstanding."
He chuckled. She thought he made such corny jokes, but she was the one who told lawyer jokes like an old dad at a barbecue. "The defense rests?"
She didn't really laugh, but she kind of puffed out of her nose in a way that seemed amused. And she was smiling. "Fine, but at least sleep a little before you tell the office that they'll be free of me for at least two weeks."
Two weeks off for a six week injury--some would think it unreasonable, but only Thena would look at that ratio and think it was being indulgent.
"Uh, you mean I'll get us some coffee while you're waiting for that cast. Then I'll take us all home and get started on some food for you to keep microwave ready."
"Gil," she scolded him.
"That sound good, girls?" he prompted his two best allies in this argument. He could feel Thena glaring at him extra coldly.
"Yeah Thena, let Gil help," Sprite pleaded first, pinching the blanket thrown over her legs. "He has to drive us home anyway. And you're always telling us delivery fees are too expensive."
"They are," she managed to growl out even amidst her personal conflict. "Fine, but you two are going right to bed when we get home, because tomorrow is school again."
"Bro!" Sprite voiced (loudly).
"Shush," Thena silenced her with one pointed finger. "You're not the one with the broken arm, you don't need any more missed days this semester."
"Why do you get two weeks off?" Sprite grumbled lastly before slumping against the bed railing again. Although, Gil observed, she was still holding onto the blanket as a gesture of comfort. Sprite's huffing and puffing was, in its own funny way, her attempt to seem unfazed by all this.
"Because I can work from home," Thena proclaimed whether that was entirely true or not. "You can't. School tomorrow."
"But," Sersi broached as the true mediator of the three. She leaned on Sprite's shoulders, batting her eyelashes at Thena. "Breakfast sandwiches? Gil can drive us."
Thena gave Sersi a much dryer look. "Don't volunteer people to do things for you, Sersi."
"I don't know what's open right now, but maybe by the time we get all signed out," he offered, glancing at his watch. "But hey, if you guys wanna see what's in the vending machine, I won't stop you."
Thena sighed as the girls accepted his kind cash offering, waving at her on their way in promise to bring her something. She tilted her head on the pillow at him again, "what have you done?"
He leaned closer again, "I sent them away so you can tell me how you're really doing."
"My arm fucking hurts."
He chuckled again, although this time he did pull her blanket up again and at least get some hair out of his way of seeing her properly. "Did they give you enough meds?"
She made a face, and he recognised some true discomfort there. "I didn't want to ask for more while the girls were here."
"Well, that's why I'm here, isn't it?" he smiled, pressing the handy little button hanging right there for a nurse's assistance. "Don't worry about them, Thena. I'll take care of them and I'll get you all home, okay?"
She sighed, really closing her eyes since his arrival, despite her own exhaustion. "I still wish they hadn't have called you like this. But...thank you, Gil."
He would carry her if he really had to. But instead he said, "any time."
"If they get a bunch of sugar from the vending machine, don't tell me I didn't warn you," she mumbled.
"I'll take responsibility for it," he promised as he pulled his jacket off, settling in to be with them until release. "Do you want another blanket or anything too?"
"Ask if the girls can have some? We ran out of the house with whatever we could throw on in a few seconds."
"I will," he promised her, slipping her hand under the blanket and patting her arm.
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