#and how easy it is to tell who is and who isnt a system through discord

[dreamsy990]

so, re:chain of memories, huh?

warning! its been a little while since i played through recom, so the game isnt as fresh in my mind as some others. sorry for any innacuracies!

spoiler alert, this is my second favorite kingdom hearts game. at least of the ones i've played so far. i get that this isn't like. a POPULAR opinion but fuck you i have almost nothing but positives to say about it.

let's start with the easy stuff first. recom introduced a new card-based combat system. i cant compare it to the gba version, since i didn't play that, but i can say that for what its worth i DID enjoy the combat. recom is by far the hardest game so far (at least for me) and almost every boss took multiple days for me to beat, even with my hp maxed out. it took me a while to get the combat system, but id honestly love to replay the game now that i have a better understanding of how it works. the card system requires a lot of quick thinking and i get that it isnt everyones taste but its CERTAINLY mine. every fight is difficult and feels genuinely rewarding when you win. the movement, like kh1, can use a lot of work, but i wouldnt call it terrible. just kinda sluggish. i think my favorite boss fight was larxene. shes a pain in the ass but i love her.

i think riku's side dropping the deck building mechanic isnt terrible, but i wish i could reorder his deck at the very least. and the lack of healing cards is. not fun. basically any damage you take is permanent unless you HAPPEN to get mickey and its simply Not a fun time. im not very good at games okay.

i have a lot less to say about the worlds than the combat. they're definitely the worst aspect of the game, though. the idea of making worlds with cards is fine! it just leads to kind of repetitive world design. the stories are forgettable, so forgettable that i literally forgot them. and i could make a point about how thats the idea its a game all about forgetting things!! but honestly that just making excuses for it. the worlds couldve kept the idea of forgetting things without literally making them forgettable. i say this about every world, except for one. because DESTINY ISLANDS

destiny islands is just. so fucking good in recom. its the climax of both sora and rikus stories and i think theyre both amazing. id have to say i prefer rikus, soley because of the visual storytelling you get from his side of it, and thats not to say soras is bad at all. but something about zexion telling riku that its his fault his home was destroyed, as riku sees a version of himself turning into a literal monster? thats just good okay. its really good.

i ADORE the characters in this game too. everything we get from them is sooo good. it's the introduction to the organization and all of them (except lexaeus who did literally nothing) are a treat. axels my favorite ofc, but larxene is such a fun villain, you love to hate her. shes really the star of the org cast in this game. sure, axels may have said its his show now, but larxene stole the spotlight.

its namines introduction, too, and i love her. on one hand, shes just really kind. she wants a friend, she wants someone to talk to, she wants to meet sora. on the other, shes just a little bit fucked up actually. sure, shes honest with sora, but shes the tiniest little bit guilt trippy and i LOVE THAT. her response to sora saying he wants to get back his own memories and forget her is "oh okay. you want to remember your REAL friends, huh? theyre the ones who REALLY matter to you? yeah anyone would want that. no friends for namine i guess." like shes just a bit salty and we love that for her. i want slightly guilt tripping and salty namine back nomura.

but ofc one of my favorite new characters in this game HAS to be repliku. god i ADORE repliku. his hatred for riku is sooo fun and the way he fights with sora is great too. like in soras side i thought he was a neat villain but rikus side? hes amazing omfg. one of the only villains i liked in rikus story (sorry lexaeus, you werent good until days)

over all, this game certainly isnt everyones cup of tea, but its DEFINITELY mine. it's the game im most excited to replay at some point, mostly because of the amazing boss fights. 9/10. its got issues, but the story and characters are so good that i genuinely could not care less about like. most of them.

[anthroposeen]

tmagp 13 relisten notes!!

there are spoilers for episode 13 below the cut!

celia:

- admits to sam that she asked alice for advice and general information about him. this implies she has a pretty friendly relationship with alice (evidenced by alice buying her a mocha) and seems relatively unthreatened by her past with sam so far.

- "no one, im mysterious" -> evidence for her not being from this dimension, if no one can give a lot of information about her

- reveals jack is her baby! (not followed by a glitch)

- says the past couple years "since the move" (between dimensions?) were weird for her

- believes the incidents they work with are real, and im certain shes in the same boat as the audience rn, trying to categorize them with background knowledge that isnt accurate anymore

sam:

- easy to make blush, doesnt know how cute he is, is an overachiever, obsessive, a but repressed, nosy, kind of a recluse, and very easy to wind up

- gifted kid syndrome poster child; he seems to view being turned away by the magnus institute as the beginning of his rejection streak (not admitted to oxford, didnt get first, got fired from his legal firm). i think this will be a major point in his motivations and a fear of rejection and need for validation is going to drive him to receive the greatness he wants (and believes he has earned). i can already see a corruption arc brewing for him, poor thing

- did NOT tell celia about his experiences in the institute or what his "incident" was (referring to lena's interview where she asked him what the worst thing he's seen/experienced was). this isnt super sketchy considering its a first date, but is interesting since he was the one who wanted "all the baggage" out early

- he doesn't want to accept that the incidents are real, but i think he does believe in them. he brought the topic up to celia and has asked alice about it before too, so he may be aware that the incidents are real, but is unwilling to fully conceptualize what that means for himself and his world view

- says that alice doesnt love the idea of him seeing celia, which means he may have picked up on her feelings for him

gwen:

- feels guilty over instigating the mr.bonzo incident -> whats really interesting is that she doesnt threaten to quit or not be involved, she accepts that she gas another email to look through and another external to interact with, but it seems to upset her

- she asks lena why this (externals and mr bonzo murder) is happening, implying that she can stomach the work if its for a reason

lena:

- gives gwen the ABCs of genre-awareness:

- this dimension also has "opposing forces- most of them meaning to be harmful.

- these "forces" need to be "balanced" and controlled in order to maintain order in the world/system -> still working off of a smirke-esque theory that retaining balance will keep the world secure. i dont know if she means balance between forces of good and evil or forces in the supernatural sense

- says the OIAR is managing the bad guys, as in monitoring their actions and directing externals to "balance" things

alice:

- actually offended that sam doesnt want to share information with her and isnt having a good time knowing sam and celia are seeing each other

- tells sam "he cant prove anything" about the cases being real, but doesnt tell him hes wrong

- i would fling myself from a sky scraper for you, miss dyer, but please never say bussin or fire again

- "stop trying to make an impact" -> the more she tells sam to cut the x-files shit out, the more she stops protesting his suspicions. her scolding has gone from "nothing is going on, chill out" to "sure, theres a conspiracy, but we are paid to ignore it"

-

alice/sam's past:

- dated at uni, previously stated they were together for several years. it seems to have been a decent split since they stayed in contact afterward.

- sam was there for her when her parents died, but lost contact after

- she contacted him w the OIAR job details after he made an exceptionally pathetic vague post

incident:

- centered around gambling and self harm to achieve success- this draws ties to episode 2 (self harm) and episode 9 (luck). i expect this is more aligned with ep 9, as the self harm seems to be in the interest of changing his odds/luck, and the incident is primarily about gaining external success, not physical change. though, ep 2 could be a personal experience with ink5oul that is not representative with their "force"

- the narrator of this statement was quick to actively sacrifice his own well being to achieve better luck, which is a pretty stark contrast to other people who looked to harm other people in their own interest (violin guy and dice guy, i forgot their names sorry!!)

- zorro trader may be a reoccurring organization in relation to gambling

- the narrators options for his debt were to either pay it back or have a personal adjustment, once he completes the voicemail he is transferred to the adjustments apartment, which was not an option on the original call log and something he did not request

- he is promptly adjusted :)

- i think this could be related to the theme of keeping balance, since the incident narrator claims it isnt wrong to play with the loophole, and it ends with him getting what he owes, which is a nice connection to lena's explanation of the OIAR's purpose

glitches/lies:

- "im happy you're happy", alice (she is not happy that sam is with celia!!)

extra comments:

- i really didnt expect an explanation of the OIAR and its position in this so early, and im surprised lena was the one to reveal it. this exposes that shes pretty open with the staff she feels are on a need-to-know basis, and it also changes my expectations for how we'll come across a big reveal in this series, since information is being given in a more open way

- i think alice and celia definitely know something but in opposing ways- acting as foils to each other with sam (information seeker) in the middle. celia knows about how the fears work in the tma dimension, and alice knows why and what the OIAR are really doing- together, they solve the puzzle that sam is trying to piece together.

[demento-mori]

Alright! Now that ive finished Act 3 ive put together some of my general thoughts and feelings from this section of the game.

First off, I absolutely love how much the dialogue, descriptions, flavour text and so on changes and evolves throughout the loops. There are so many little details and plot threads, such as Siffrin repeatedly hitting their hip against that one corner, and getting increasingly frustrated each time, or learning that the dying plant is Mirabelle's and being able to compliment it in the next loop. It makes the characters and the world seem so organic and alive, and provides a sense of progression as you are able to learn more and more about the world around you. Even though the game gives you the option to loop directly to certain floors and areas, I find that I prefer to go through the house the 'legit' way each time, simply because I'm so eager to see whats changed.

Siffrin's psychological decline has been devastating to watch play out, especially since you, the player, are right there alongside them. You're also hoping that each new dialogue unlocked, and each change in the loop means that you've found the right solution to end the loops, and everytime you're disappointed and feel like your efforts were all for nothing. This especially hit home in regards to the party/family members. The first time you do each of their friendship quests its so heartwarming and emotional, you feel so happy that you've been able to get to know them better and become closer with them. But then, in each subsequent loop the impact of those quests lessen, and its easy to begin seeing them as just another hurdle you have to overcome in order to progress. It mirrors how Siffrin gradually stops seeing them as autonomous beings and rather as actors in a play, who he is "manipulating" to get his own happy ending.

The changes in the game's artwork that show Siffrin looking more worn down and tired is equally devastating. Its a small but very effective detail that drives in how the loops are wearing down on them. It almost feels like the game itself is becoming more and more corrupted as the loops wear on.

The worldbuilding is on another level. Like, you can tell that so much thought and care has been put into the world. The countries and their different customs, the religions and their practices and mythology. The language, the fashion, the magic system, the history. One thing that really stand out to me is how Vaugarde is clearly a very wonderful place, but its far from a utopia and there are still societal issues and injustices. For example, rather than taking the route of "there is absolutely no prejudice, all races genders and sexualities are equal", the game shows that gender and romantic/sexual attraction are all widely accepted and seen as fluid due to the change belief, but conversely aromanticism and asexuality are not as common or accepted as they clash with the religions practices. This makes the world seem much more fleshed out and believable, as it provides clear and convincing justifications for why the society is the way it is. And all of this isnt even getting into the more spoilery worldbuilding elements, such as colours and the island north of vaugarde, or even simplier stuff like the other countries and their cultural differences, or the various different vaugardian towns and their unique customs.

I feel like Isat is the only video game Ive ever seen that utilises the time loop concept to its full potential, let alone accomplising that in a way that still translates to a well-made and engaging gameplay loop(ha). Both the gameplay and the story make full use of the time loop gimmick in order to craft a compelling narrative, to explore the characters, their backstories and development, and the psychological effects of the situation upon them to their maximum potential, and to ensure that the gameplay loop never becomes stale and is able to consistently keep the player invested with new things to explore each loop. Its truly a masterpiece of game development.

[dballzposting]

Sorry I'm posting this video a third time.

This was such an awesome way to introduce them in DBS and I'm not just saying that becasue of Mr Satan's cherry red jacket.

It sets so many things straight for those of us who may have assumed that things were peaceful and rational between them ...

Buu is walking around a dark house and he's fuckingggg hungry and he doesnt know how to find his own food in that huge house so he just stalks around until he finds Mr Satan?

He THROWS the door open unflinchingly into a room of bright lights and cameras and a large audience. Not an uncommon sight and he doesnt care at all.

Buu does not see the significance of this. You may think that by now he might; that he knows of Mr Satan's hobby to appear in front of large groups of people and look nice and tell lies. But he doesn't. This is kind of Mr Satan's whole thing but it means absolutely nothing to Buu.

Most things mean nothing to Buu. He;s fucking hungry

Has Mr Satan ever tried to explain this to Buu?? "Hey when you see the cameras and the people, please just stay out of it"? Did it just not work? Maybe it just made no sense and meant nothing to Buu so Buu just discarded it.

Mr Satan scrambles to cook up a lie in front of everyone. It's a complete falsehood but to Buu standing there it's true enough. Buu would think that something just ~12% true would be true enough becasue he doesnt care. 0% true is true enough becasue he doesnt care AT ALL. He's fucking hungry

Mr Satan is banking on Buu to not deny or correct his story. This is reliable becasue Buu really isn't a stickler for those sorts of truths. The only truth he cares about is how he is feeling NOW as in RIGHT NOW. Fuck yesterday. Fuck a few years ago. Mr Satan can spin any story he wants. And it's not becasue Mr Satan and Buu have had conversations about how important it is that Mr Satan maintain this reputation. They've never talked about that. Mr Satan can say whatever he wants becasue Buu no care.

Mr Satan has to face off with Majin Buu and have a glaring contest. Mr Satan is hoping SO BAD that Buu will just do as he's told, but Buu JUST SAID that Buu hungry and that takes priority clearly. Fuck the audience fuck the cameras fuck what Mr Satan is saying fuck the tremble in Mr Satan's spine. Fuck everything it is like ants and pebbles to Buu. Buu hungry

Buu understands a NO when he hears it but he does not understand WHY and he does not stop being mad. He pushes back until he sees that Mr Satan isn't gonna back down, and at that point he blows steam out of his head to dispel his aggression enough to be able to disengage and turn around and leave. But he's still pissed. Buu stomps away and pauses at the doorway to glare over his shoulder. Fuck Mr Satan. Buu hungry. Buu go be hungry somewhere else.

Buu doesnt turn everyone to chocolate becasue Buu likes to be joyous and play games and presumably he understands now that causing misery and pain is only fun to him, and that makes it less fun overall. But he's fucking hungry. So he mostly just didnt do it becasue he has promised previously not to kill and eat people. Which is sort of arbitrary. You know what isnt arbitrary? BUU HUNGRY. He literally goes into the next room and sits down and crosses his arms about it.

THE WAY THAT MR SATAN SCUTTLES BACK WHEN BUU BLOWS STEAM ?!?? Like he's still afraid of him !?!?!?!?! Perhaps Buu is just SCARY but that doesnt mean that MR SATAN should feel scared. But I feel like Mr Satan's spine is synthetic and he has no real inner iron, and especially after the events he's lived through, his nervous system is just shot. Like many traumatized people he is able to continue on sheer force and denial but he's just so fuuucked . He is jumpy and easy to frighten. He's always kind of been that way and TBH it's kept him safe and out of danger. But he's never felt REAL strength or security or comfort. He's stuck being a scared little boy. He's still scared of Buu

NO ONE READS MR SATAN'S VERY OBVIOUS BODY LANGUAGE ?? ??? MANIACS ! ! ! !! ! !

Mr Satan is such a messssssss he goes to powder his nose & also to pee but really he just had to excuse himself AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE becasue he's scared of Buu and doesnt want him to blow up and he needs to appease him as quickly as possible. It's an exigence that Mr Satan feels. If he didnt go and do that immediately then I feel like it would have just sat in his throat like vomit. He wiould have felt faint and he would have had to go blow his ass off.

HE DEOSNT EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO BUU. Yes becasue Buu doesnt care and maybe wouldnt understand it, BUT ALSO becasue Not Exoplaining Things is VERY MUCH Mr Satan's way. I feel like he could explain things and Buu would get it. Maybe not all of it but some of it. Maybe not right now becasue hes fucking hungry and pissed but maybe it would sit in his head a while. Someone more articulate and inquisitive like Videl or Gohan would have felt the impulse to explain perplexing situations just naturally, and they would have had the tact to know their audience too; it's explainable. But Mr Satan just doesnt operate that way. FUCKKKK the truth FUCK the """situation."" FUCK five minutes ago. Fuck one minute ago. Right now he's scared and hurt and he feels Buu's pain and hunger. He doesnt think that explaining himself would soften the blow at all becasue it doesnt work that way with him; his intense emotional states just are what they are like a child's, and he thinks that others' explanations are just excuses and dirty tricks. He assumes Buu to be the same, which honestly is close enough, but if he DID explain things, then they could avoid this in the future.

Mr Satan just starts throwing items of appeasement at Buu without addressing the object of strife here. Buu sticks to his guns however and asserts himself. Buu fuckingg hungry. Mr Satan folds completely and haphazardly starts searching for chocolate, but he is no better at this than Buu is; Buu could have thrown open cabinets too. But this is more about Mr Satan tucking his tail between his legs and trying to serve than it is about food.

He fuckingg fails and calls for Videl to come clean up this mess. Buu still fucking hungry. Mr Satan does this to himself

Great video

[punkbxt]

the people in charge of nutrek dont care about the ideals and premise of star trek and star trek: picard is its biggest tell. its a story that would have been much better if they hadnt brought back legacy characters but also would have been much better had it not been written at all because nobody wants more space cops

the moment picard decided to wash his hands clean of the romulan android situation was the moment i knew that oh this isnt the picard everyone has come to know and love. at his core who he is someone that would not let anyone die if he could help it. like thats his thing if he has the power to help he will!! and yeah sure thats shown in pic too but he literally was like ‘fuck you federation im not gonna help u ignore the romulans cries for help’ when he fr coulda just asked for forgiveness after helping with the power he had as a respected captain or whatever he is. something EVERY oldtrek captain has done time and time again

and yes! characters and their ideals change over time but not fucking like THAT

pic takes a tragedy, a genocide, and takes the romulans, a species that has for the most part always been the enemies of the federation and makes them easy prey. it makes them evil except for those that defected or disguised themselves (look up white passing and what it was actually for and why its a thing). and to put it into more understandable words:

lets say the federation is usamerica (bc for all intents and purposes thats literally what it represents) and that the romulans represent people of color and jews. pic serves for us on a platter that the genocide was just another thing that happened and “its okay they died anyways. romulans have never been on the side of the federation and never wanted to be anyways so no loss” this is what the federation believes

pic has been severely affected by white supremacist and antisemitic ideology and like while yeah science fiction is used to discuss and challenge the oppression we experience today, youd think a franchise that has always preached about diversity inclusion and acceptance would finally get over mass genocide of a “lesser” race as a form of storytelling. its uncomfortable and not in a way in which it makes you think but in a way that shows that even hundreds of years in the future vitriol prevails and it fucking sucks. its harmful towards people of color and jews when even in science fiction we cant escape that someone out there wants us dead

we’ve had enough of white supremacy and antisemitism taking a lil seat at the table to cause ruckus there are 100% other things that could have created and interesting dilema. the federation is literally on some cristobal colon shit n the more nutrek that gets made the less star trek holds up the ideals of diversity inclusion acceptance and love that it preached from its inception. we are instead given a narrative that yeah no matter how long you fight no matter how hard you fight you will NEVER win because systemic racism always wins in the end. its a tired and weak narrative and just goes to show if you dont have any other engaging stories to tell just stop telling the stories and stop ruining characters by making them do things they absolutely wouldnt even stand for

we r stuck with characters that suck up to other characters just because of their legacy and the writing when everyone deserves to be way more mad at picard. sidenote all of the genuine progress that has been made in television with diversity and representation has gone like 20 steps back when it comes to portraying people of color bc not ONE from the main crew passes the paper bag test (again ive only seen season one) which further goes to show white supremacist ideals subtly shining through

the point of star trek is that there will be a better more welcoming loving kinder future than the present and the past. and yeah theyve never been good at portraying that exactly because hope cannot exist without despair. but if you do not learn the mistakes of the past you are bound to repeat them and clearly these writers have not been studying the source material

hope this helps idk man i just b saying shit sometimes sorry if some stuff is repetitive

[lordiavolo]

nightbringer notes

- surprise guests presents are far less often, i think only 3 per day

- intimacy seems to give nothing and has been broken constantly resetting. i dont think theyve given us any apology reward for it either despite it being in a bug update. they possibly give phone calls but again. Games broken

- its easier to quickly earn dp through levels

- there are more daily tasks to do which makes it more gridning to earn daily dp

- item unlocks are now labeled in devils tree

- asmoxsatan has become one sided canon... which is. Great. :/

- asmo seems to be pushing in a non li direction, and has been completely turned into creep who wants to fuck satan. i thought this game was about fixing problems with the original story?

- things are getting retconned such as asmo and solomons pact being formed hundreds of years before it happened in the original timeline. yet solomon tells mc not to mention theyre from the past because it could "mess up space time continium" okay.

- luke is somehow alive

- no one seems to be mourning lilith until like chapter 10. despite it being so hard on belphie he kills mc in the original timeline, thousands of years later

- satan hates everyone

- mc basically is the reason for everyones early character development including introducing levi to tsl, which has somehow already been written, giving the brothers their rulers of the underworld status

- the brothers dont seem interested in mc at all, who kisses them which does raise their affection, however outside of mammon its never mentioned again (yet)

- theres more information on diavolos dad the demon king, michael, and lilith

- ruritunes are fun and easy. much easier than other rythm games as even if you get a nice as long as you dont outright miss the note you will maintain your combo

- while it seems easier to get through battles i fear in the long run it will be the same. as cards are harder to level, see below

- instead of being able to level the full card (minus leveling up skills) with just one card, you can now only 3 ☆ a card before you have to use multiple karma (?) to increase your skill level to unlock each ☆ level. i honestly have no clue how this system works nor do i have the patience to learn.

- it seems that the only way to get the cards (called jokers) needed to unlock skill levels is through raven, which is now nearly impossible to earn lots of. so far ive made 100s of dp playing, but only 19 raven. you cannot buy raven, which makes it seem like youll have to play the gatcha multiple times to get good cards.

- because of this although the game is seen as more easy to progress in than the original obey me, i presume as time goes on the battles will only get harder, and the cards are already incredibly difficult to level up. with the original game although you needed to do a lot of grinding, and battles werent as fun as ruritunes, it was easy to get to the end, so long as you were dedicated to logging in and read battle guides. now its up to gatcha luck and if you are skilled at rythm games, which isnt as easily learned as a original game battle strategy.

- all voice clips are redone, i presume with the same vas, however they all sound like youtubers trying to minic the official dialogue especially mammon, who sounds like a 12 year old boy with a chest cold

- the game is incredibly buggy which makes sense given it was pushed up to be released months earlier than intended (sept 2023)

- ur+s are easier to obtain as you can get multiple pieces from early hard lessons. ur+s no longer contain animations

- the ur+s being easy to obtain makes me suspect they will be releasing higher ranked cards as gatcha games typically do after a while to increase difficulty and gambling

- there are seemingly no longer daily chats

- you are not allowed to record fabsnaps (in game tiktoks) as the screen goes black

- the chats, phone calls, and friendship ap swapping is all in the same place, the decomm app

- you have to unlock the hard lessons to get all akuber locations, specifically you have to go to level 10 hard, which in order to get cards high enough you need the items in akuber (you can do it other ways)

- they still havent officially announced that theyre "decontinuing" the original app, leading to players still paying and grinding for the upcoming lessons thinking that theyll be doing that. they wont

- as i was writing this it told me a new nightmare was avalible. i tried to open it, even restarted the game but it doesnt show up for me at all, its 8pm and this is when they normally release them so i doubt it was a misclick, i just... literally cant see the nightmare

- upon release of the game they already had a 3000dp/160$ usd charge card mission, preying on gambling addicts and new players who think its a good deal

- you have to pay dp to unlock more comment options and emojis for fabsnap

- the 3d models are horrifying

- theres a new video call feature, which is also horrifying

- the fact the wanderers whereabouts episodes are called situations is hilarious to be. put that beast in a situation

- overall, the story is heartbreaking and nerve racking for orginal fans but i guess its fun if youre a new player, since theyre marketing this game to you, and not people who have already spent 100s to 1000s or more in this game

- cards are non transferable but apparently there will be co-events on both games. i have no idea how this will make sense plot wise to people in the original app, or vice versa

- the brothers now wear their demon outfits for the main story, with their casual outfits being up for sale for 300 raven in exchange raven mirroring the original game

- items in exchange raven are now limited, where as previously you could buy as many as you want, now you are limited to so many per month

- the ui is much more slick and futuristic

annnddd thats it at least for now. be sure to rb and add anything youve noticed. i kept it story lite cuz the story makes me literally nauesous but im up 2 date as well

[sootwilb]

okay the first couple of paragraphs of my previous ask didn't go through for some reason but. I too wanted to say how her heavily implying that wilbur shouldn't come back if he's truly sorry is just so??? like what do you want him to do then after he gets better? forget about all his dreams and suffers forever because of the things he did some time ago and which he clearly regrets? like cmon, you can't call this man unapologetic, he's said so many times not to idolize him, he's talked about how he wasn't a good person so much, how about we shouldn't view him as a role model, and there's so many self-deprecating shit in his songs. he clearly realizes that the things that he's done are wrong and he's been going to therapy for a long time now, he's talked about it way before this all happened. I think those are pretty much signs that he's willing to change.

it probably stems from her believing that he's not gonna, and that he's still "dangerous" which is still weird. because how does she know that? and deeming him as somebody who's not going to do it just because she doesn't see those changes fast enough is just straight up wrong. change is a long process and it's a difficult process, it takes it's time and it's really easy to spiral down all over again— and this applies to everyone— but even if it happens it doesn't mean that the person is not trying or that they're bad, that they're dangerous and you need to take everything away from them as a punishment. what the person needs in this situation is time and a support system, and not an ex who will be going around the internet telling everyone how you "lived in filth". like that's the thing that genuinely pisses me off the most, because you can't even say that it was important to the story to tell how she cleaned up for him. just saying that 'yeah, it was dirty' would be more than enough.

also again if he was oh so dangerous, why were people still be friends with him? I'm not denying possibilities of negative experiences, but why are there people who have been friends with him for ages? like phil is my main factor of doubt, because he out of all people would notice if something was wrong, idk generally speaking. also as far as I'm aware he's quick to unfollow people in these situations, and he still follows wil on twitter and insta, so as long as it stays this way I'm relatively at peace

If shelby had never said anything all the people who have spoken up against him especially people like ranboo would have continued to be friends with him and continued to associate with him. They would have continued to act like nothing was wrong. So either nothing happened and its all exaggerated and they're just doing this because it's goodfor they're careers or they where completely fine to cover for wilbur until such a time that they where able to profit out of not covering for him. Either way they're not good friends.

And the whole "he should never come back" thing, nobody should have the power to say wheather someone can or cannot use the internet, and she has all the power here and yes getting better takes time, it could take him years but shelby clearly isnt accepting years she wants it now but that's not how it works. I truly hope he has a support system no matter how small.

[iamafanofcartoons]

i'll be real. you blazed a post onto my dash. i'm gonna block you. rules are rules. figured i'd help you out before i do.

you really want to know why the youtube algorithm is bad? positive feedback loops. not positive as in good, but positive as in they grow larger over time.

youtube's recommendation algorithm is partially based off of what it learns from users. it takes in all kinds of data on what users watch--the uploader, the title, the tags, the thumbnail, the description, anything it can glean from the audio and visuals, whatever. you name it, google's probably holding it. they dont have yottabytes upon yottabytes of data for nothing.

importantly, though, is that they also keep track of what the user watches Next. see, google (as with most social media that uses an ad revenue model) will run studies, where they try out different experimental algorithms created from viewership data on different users and see what is more likely to get users to click through. how they create these experiments is pretty complicated, and i'll save you the technogore. think of it as making tons of algorithms that each think different combinations of aforementioned viewership data at different amounts are the reason why that viewer made their choice, then projecting that onto all users to inform future suggestions. trust me, that's the easy way to think about it.

what makes it a positive feedback loop? well, recall that i said the algorithms are created on viewership data. the successful one(s) is/are then used to inform future recommendations. that data is then used to further experimentally tweak the algorithm. the choices user make influence the algorithm. what influences the choices users make? the algorithm. as time moves on, the algorithm becomes more and more biased until youtube decides to make more dramatic changes to influence things in a different direction (remember the change to favor runtime? then to favor watch-through?)

here's where i get all communist, and why i felt compelled to write all this. youtube isn't fixing shit about this system. why would they? people are clicking through recommendations at insane rates! they're watching more videos! and sure, a general societal right-wing bias might have positive feedback looped into turning the website into a facism pipeline, but google is making so much fucking money from gathering an insane amount of information from users that can be used in ad targeting the whole time. even if youtube itself struggles with profitability, even if people like. kind of say stuff about the problem but never really do anything about it at a large scale, even if people are being redpilled, why should google care when they make more money than anyone could even comprehend? until capitalism is overthrown, there will be a shit algorithm.

blocking channels is a start, but there will always be more shitty things to block (just like how there's always blazed posts for me to block the OPs of). apps that bypass youtube accounts and privacy loss (youtube vanced and newpipe) are privacy tools first, kind of hit or miss when it comes to the algorithm. never looked into the source code of them, but, if you ask me, it's either some amalgamation of everyone's recommendations who use those apps, a "default" algorithm, or one that's kind of tailored to you as youtube slowly worms its way into identifying you by your device and ip address.

point is, dont hold your breath waiting. keep looking for tools, keep spreading the word, keep finding ways to support content you like so the artist isnt reliant on ad revenue. dont keep throwing your money at tumblr, though, they really dont need it. they really never needed it. buy yourself a nice fuckin sandwich. everybody deserves a nice sandwich.

god, i'm going to look dumb if my ask gets deleted when i block you in five seconds. you have a good night.

Soo...yeah....this was based on this post

Basically I'm sick and tired of people like Manga_Kamen, Vexed Viewer, WatermelonCube, and other people raging about how they hate something that others like, and how people are supposed to hate what they hate.

I just wanted to give people the opportunity to remove those hate videos from their search results, so that they can at least find what they're looking for, using Youtube search.

[misslauwie]

The way Jimin loves and engulfs his members in his love...

Today I want to talk more about this. I think this has not been talked enough.

It was a sad day when uri sunshine left for the military. & I kept thinking the one who will be missing uri sunshine a lot is our very own Jiminie. Our Jiminie who had been roomate with Jhope for almost a decade.

Both have been equally supportive of each other. Jimin flew over and made time to visit Jhope for Loolapaloza. JHope accompanying Jimin on his Dior show. And the haters from both stans saying that they tried to take each other spot light can reflect on the meaning of friendship. I admit I was a bit ticked when I saw the twitterfuck following Dior show saying that the crowd was for Jhope and not Jimin. But the twitterfuck that followed where Jimin stan tried to shame Jhope by comparing crowds during Hermes and LV shows just made me cringe. I started going around and twitting if you are Jimin stans than this narrartive is putting shame to Jimin's name because Jimin is the epitome of love. Be a good human like Jimin always wears on his shirt.

And remember the members know whats going on in SNS. And Jimin came on weverse a day after thanking Jhope for being there with him and thus making him less nervous. I think its meant to put an end to the toxic narrative of Jhope trying to take spotlight away from Jimin during Dior show. & this is why I am less than happy when another member (who may not be name) is less supportive on SNS. I know Jin said that when you doesnt see it on SNS doesnt mean that they havent express their support towards each other. But as idols and adults they should know sometimes twitterville can get nasty as hell. And some neutralizing post can alleviate some of the toxicity. But maybe not. But then again Jimin is always the standard for me so its not others fault if they fail to meet the Jimin's standard.

Even his band leader stated many times that Jimin is best at giving support towards his fellows without the green monster peeking in.

https://twitter.com/kinantinanti2/status/1623719265051500544?t=cq5In_D9Lx11gRfLDFdTHg&s=19

And Jimin isnt the type to lie down and let the members walk all over him. He may in early days but he can assert himself and ask for affirmation from his members when he need it.

I think Jimin's own value also shines in the way that he never made other people a competition. But he made himself a competition. He always said I want to become better than I am now and thats why I need to practice. He always says he himself is his role model.

Living over 3 decades now I can tell you the way to get out of a rut or a downward spiral where you feel you are always lacking esp against others is to get moving... to get off your feet... do the 10000 hours you want to be good at like Malcolm Gladwell book. Even TxT members praised Jimin for his work ethics where he always saw Jimin practice. Heck even Yoongi said if hard work is a type of talent then Jimin himself is a genius. I am somehow reminded of an anime where you have 2 main characters; one born with innate talent and one born with grit. And when the tough gets tougher, the one born with grit may overcome challenges that the one with innate talent cant. Just because their mental strength is superior as nothing comes easy for them. And I think this applies to Jimin in spade.

https://twitter.com/d2verses/status/1641077099086618625?t=9RDfHDA-9BsIccjAL3Rr4g&s=19

So its never a surprise to me that Jimin is always overflowing with love and how supportive he is towards his members' works. I am convinced even though some members may not express it through SNS that they are equally happy and proud of Jimin's achievements. After all they went through hell and back together. They overcame the system together. For a while it was them against the world.

All these stuff Im sprouting is to underline, highlight and put in bold letter on how Jimin loves. And its oh so beautiful for me.

And this comes through beautifully through the hug he gave Jhope when he sent Jhope off.

He engulfed his brother Jhope in his warm embrace. If you watch the video, you will see that Jhope was equally moved in the hug. He closed his eyes, also tilted his head for a moment towards Jimin's neck and softly hug Jimin back. But God forbid him to stay and savor the moment after all there are under watch and was recorded.

I really dont want to compare Jhope hugs with the other members but sorry I cant help it. And I might get hates here but its my blog so if you dont like it you all can take a hike.

Jhope closed his eyes as well when hugging Yoongi and RM. But the one where I can see he had to take a moment and soaked it in with all the overflowing feelings was when Jimin hug him. A testimony of how move Jhope was when Jimin hug him was ... when JK started patting Jhope as if saying "its going to be ok, I will take care of your mochi baby in your stead." Call me delulu but thats how I saw that moment.

And for those whom are jealous of the moments that the members had during the sent off. Saying that its workplace harrasment when Jimin violently playfully hug JK. Its actually making me pity you. My love language is physical touch. And how you are missing out that it is Jimin love language without any sexual connotation is just pure loss. Physical touch is reassuring. Human need physical touch to florish. Im sure there is a scientific study on this. Just couldnt be bother to put the link up. Google it yourself.

I will end this post with:

I sincerely hope I can meet a Jimin in my life. a friend like Jimin in your life can take you places.

and you gotta wonder if he is your other half. He might gives you the world.

[ierotits]

if u don't mind answering (just ignore if you feel weird about talking about where you live and stuff online) but I noticed you talking on that walkable cities post about living in a village that's well served by the train network and I've noticed you mentioning things off hand in the tags of a few other posts talking about American approaches to stuff vs everywhere else and it's got me interested as someone who's always lived in Europe but has quite a lot of family in Aotearoa, if I understand right you're living in rural France rn? Are you originally from South Island?

I'm always interested when I travel to see how American influences are slightly different in different places and never quite how you imagine before you go. Does Europe seem pretty americanised to you? I know the first time I travelled to Auckland I was really surprised by the approach to cars ect reminding me way more of past trips to America than my childhood in various semi rural places in Europe. Mainly that cars are a lot bigger and trucks and offroaders are more of a thing than i was used to at home and even tho a lot of cars were Japanese, the design seemed really American to me.

Anyway I guess I'm interested in differences in general rather than just city planning/transport. I guess I've just found it interested seeing that cultural leak from America in different ways than I'm used to?? The impact of American culture on Europe was really clear growing up so I think before I got old enough to travel I'd just expected it to be the same everywhere but it really isn't!! It has always felt to me that Australia has a lot more of that American influence in like business spheres?? Politically it certainly seems more American than other countries nearby. Whereas as a whole a lot of European countries seem influenced in different ways (which makes sense considering close distance between countries and the eu and all) But yeah fascinated to hear if you have any opinions on the like having (I'm guessing here?? possibly travelled to Europe as an adult after growing up in Aotearoa???? which is kinda the opposite of my experience)

okay finally going to try answer this bear with. its a good ask!!! putting this below the cut because it could get long

for context on my response, gotta do an overview of my living situation! i am currently living in a medium sort of sized city in france, around 150k population? but i work in a tiny village a 20 minute drive out of town, which is serviced by the train system. from what i can tell, most little villages like that have a small train station that a TER goes through quite regularly, so when there isnt strikes its easy to get to and from the closest city, which is then connected to everywhere else

in aotearoa i live in a city about double the size of the one im in now (wont say which one but im sure it isnt too hard to work out) grew up in a small town, but lived in the city for my later childhood, teen years, and uni so most of my life experiences were there, only came to france last year

in terms of transport, aotearoa is definitely more americanised than europe, as far as i can tell as someone who has not been to america, just spoken a lot on this topic with american friends.

in france, everything is so easily accessable by train. every town and city has a train station, the rail speed means nothing is more than about 5 hours away (my experience anyway). the trains run enough times a day that theres always something (except for the strikes atm but thats a different circumstance.) in bigger cities, there is always a fast, regular, seemingly reliable tram or metro system that gets you anywhere, while smaller cities like mine have a bus system that works, but i never use because nothing is any more than half an hours walk away. i have barely been in a car since getting here, because it really just isnt necessary, the whole system is designed to not rely on cars

for aotearoa, its basically impossible to travel between cities or towns without a car. there are intercity buses, but even between my city and the next closest one, which i know MANY people who make that trip regularly, the intercity bus goes once a day if youre lucky. theres very few passenger trains, and most of them are expensive tourist ones made for sightseeing. basically to get anywhere outside of your city, your options are very expensive slow not regular bus, or get someone to drive you. in my city, theres a bus system that is pretty widespread, you can get everywhere but its expensive, not reliable, and the buses dont go very often except on the very busy routes. if i walked half an hour in my city, i would cross maybe 5% of the city, it was a 40 minute walk to school in high school while it was a 5 minute drive. it got to a point when i was 20 that it was too expensive, took too much time, etc to catch the buses everywhere, that i ended up having to buy a car. the cities, from my experience, are becoming more and more car reliant as the years go on, and all the city does is add lanes to roads

in terms of everything else, i feel like france and aotearoa are both americanised in different ways? politically, france seems to have been quicker at pushing towards this governmental system where your options are far right or center pretending to be left while pushing the country right. france also has similar issues with the militarization of the police force, over investment in the military, gun violence, etc. it doesnt seem as bad as america to me, but then i potentially dont have the full story. while aotearoa has many issues with the police, and an increase in racial bias and violent responses, most of the more extreme american issues dont seem to have developped as quickly. i truly think a lot of that comes down to the labour government the last few years and the changes to gun laws post christchurch attacks. there are, of course, small groups in aotearoa that are leaning towards american ways of thinking, specifically thinking of brian tamaki and his evangelical cult that is directly copying from the american mega church, and the antivax shit that happened the last couple of years

its difficult to really tell to be honest. i feel like in aotearoa, especially with the rise of the internet and online connection to other countries, it has become a lot easier for our population to start to fall into american ways of thinking. i mean, specifically with elections i regularly have to explain to people my age that voting for the green party isnt a throw away vote here like it is in america, the way our voting system works is that you can vote for whichever party truly represents your interest. i genuinely think thats one of the things thats kept us from being pushed further right, the prevalence and strength of the green and māori parties. the revitalisation of māori language and culture has certainly helped too, that we have so many allies helping keep us in the forefront of our country and its politics, we cant just be swept under the rug and ignored. im proud of the way that we have managed to stave off the total disappearance of our culture and instead turn it around to become one of the most visible parts of the country

tldr, i really think both countries have and havent been americanised in different ways. i know less about france as ive only been here a few months, but i do think aotearoa is so far doing what we can to actively work against america's more negative elements being incorporated into out country. just wish we would do that with transport too

[boyfhee]

hmm, jay fic?? write it and you shall submit. i will be waiting for it, hehe. even i want to start a writing account for enha but i dont know what to post first T_T i have a text au and a headcanon, tell me which one should i post first :0

hope your bro does well in his 10th ✌🏼 tell him to not waste these next months, but hasnt the difficulty level for 10th graders decreased too?? i hate this education system. for us, 70% of syllabus was removed and people say you guys didn't write the exams 😭

hanuman chalisa haha, even if i have god by my side. i would be scared too. lmao how can a jaw chase her... noo that is so funny 😂 i mean i cant handle the smell of rotten food and what would i or you do with cadaver 🥲 i dont know. i regret everyday that why i havent chosen bipc 😔

i know apathorax from arjun reddy movie 😶 is it what it is?? help i dont even remember. isnt it beside the chest of a human?? the flesh part?? tell me tell me. well i havent been interested into coding but i need to start to learn how to code.

since you said you have coded, tell me the basic coding languages i need to know + how your teachers taught you caelin! i badly want tips to learn. like i have so many reels saved on my ig about coding + tips

same pinch, but i have been stanning them since on era and i think i was a hardcore fan until they dropped butter. i lost interest because same, their music started to change and started concentrating on the west. soo, i used to love the old bts caelin :(

hell no!!! when i used to watch yuzuru hanyu skating videos, i got into figure skating and then random videos used to pop up, even i used to know sunghoon before he debuted 🥲 i didnt watch like all of his performances but watched the best ones in his career ^^ he grew up so well.

yup!!! when fever was dropped, engenes knew it was a banger. damn it everyone on twitter asked whose song was this and engenes were like, huhu its enhypen \(^_^)/ hooray hahga. even i agree with you fever was and is the best bside i have ever heard from them.

this already long so i will continue in the next ask :3

— lover club anon <33

jay fic was posted, i hope it reached you well ^^ also, good luck with starting a writing account omg .. you can start with texts since they are a quick read and attract more audience !!! however, headcanons aren't bad either ... it really is your choice :O

i will tell him to do well in 10th, although he wastes all his time playing valo / forza horizon TT i don't know how easy or difficult the school exams have gotten, i've been so out of the loop ever since i graduated >< hope your sister does well too in boards ^_^

and omg bipc is fun but i'm sure pcm is just as interesting :O you have a fear of blood and needles so maybe you weren't meant for the OT but rather for doing other big things in like ... let's be positive !!! also, i think you mean apothorax ?? it's part of thorax containing heart and lungs ^^ i was studying about mediastinum today .. it's too much to take in. there's so much information and so little space in my brain .. sometimes i wonder if i will be able to remember all the things _ _;

also, i studied coding in highschool so i don't know how helpful my tips will be for college since you're definitely going to learn much much more there :O i think html css is basic and important ( for example, tumblr's who website theme and post format is based on html css ) javascript, python are important too since they're in demand. i'm afraid we didn't learn a lot in school except what was in theory .. didn't have many lab sessions and the most we did was python and html css since that was the main focus ( i hate python like whatever the hell that is ... )

i also started with hanyu !!! and then came across cha junhwan, yuna kim, ilia malinin and all though the international tournaments and all. i remember being so interested in fs, i watched the 4cc tournaments during classes TT i actually came across sunghoon through junhwan, watched his videos and then moved on like .. i didn't see him at the competitions so i thought he quit :O never looked him up for me to know he was a trainee / idol

AND YEAH fever is truly the queen, i can never get tired of it. border : carnival in itself is an amazing album. what's your fav album of them so far? fav b-side and title tracks? i need to know ><

[whomst-the-hell]

i was thinking about it and i realised that i had sort of subconsciously been under the impression that atla was one of those star wars situations that tells you anyone can be magic but in actuality every major plotpoint just ties back to one single family every time (some of you may be saying “but rey wasnt a skywalker!” to which i respond “who was the primary antagonist then wiseguy” but this post isnt actually about star wars so fuck me ig) anyway what im getting at is, other than zuko, whose major theme is his relationship with his family and therefore with his nation as a whole (and also he was actual royalty so it was inevitable tbh), every single other main character’s parents were not explicitly benders, or were nonbenders. aangs parents arent ever even shown! i mean for a show where its canon that magic is genetic, they do a waaaayyyyyy better job at delivering the “anyone can be a hero” storyline than media that actually textually tells that story lmao

not only is the show about children, its also about lots of marginalised groups. all the characters are POC, toph is blind, katara is a girl (toph is obviously also a girl but her character doesnt really explore misogyny like katara ykwim?), sokka is just some guy even in the context of the magic system, even aang — the literal chosen one!!!! — is just a random kid who also happens to be the reincarnation of the most powerful spirit in the galaxy or whatever (thats a recurring theme of the show actually), and zuko ,who is the most nepo baby protagonist, isnt actually the prodigy of his family and is instead frequently upstaged by his little sister lol

like it would have been so easy to do a “and guess what the reason toph is such a great bender is because she’s secretly king bumi’s great niece!!!!!!” reveal, which is such a classic plot twist that tbh its barely a twist these days, but instead toph was a badass specifically because of the unique perspective she gained by being disabled and the way that allowed her to connect with the world around her ie the badgermoles — thats a way stronger story! the only relationship reveal we get (other than i guess aang learning he’s the avatar which kind of maybe counts??) is zuko learning he’s related to roku which. i mean he was already a nepo baby so it doesnt detract from his agency really and in fact reinforces his recurring “there are two wolves” conflict, which up to that point was mostly shown through azula and iroh (think his ba sing se fever dream wherein there were two dragons inside him voiced by azula and iroh respectively one advocating good the other evil, foreshadowing the final conflict of the season where he must choose between azula and iroh and he backslides in his moral arc by choosing azula which is a really cool narrative choice that tbh now that im thinking about it i probably should have made this tangent its own post but we’re here now ig)

also i was thinking about how bending is genetic but also skips generations (neither kya nor hakoda is a bender, and we dont know of any grandparent other than gran gran, who is a nonbender, and i think its a dominant gene bc ursa wasnt a bender to my knowledge but zuko and azula are, so probably neither kya nor hakoda had bender parents, but obviously katara is a bender, but sokka isnt, plus there were identical twins in the volcano episode where only one was a bender which does confuse me scientifically but i dropped science so whatever) and bending is shown as common enough that probably everyone has atleast one ancestor who is a bender so tbh it sort of circles back to being random lol

this post is really just me thinking out loud (well not. out loud. bc its written. you get it) so it might not be coherent but idk its another way that atla is very clever and has effective storytelling and creates themes subtextually etc etc ok thanks

[hiddenreflections]

cederic is saying

"You can like it, you can dislike it. But you cant shake it, you get the feeling you belong to our host. That you exist to shield her, or resolve around her, to accompany her. To be with her. To be for her. And it can drive you wild and mad. It can make you hurt her in unspeakable ways. It can make you trash the place. Make you act out. Hurt people around her. But you cant get it out of you no matter how hard you try. Youre bound to her. Youre not the main protagonist of this story, she is. She will always be more in control than you are. She will always have the upper hand, no matter how much you damage her or nearly drive her into suicide and madness. You will never win the fight you think youre having with her. Youre accessory. You were born that way and you will die that way. And shes wonderful, I love her. I love being hers. But even if I had to grapple with the fact this is never going to be my life as much as it is hers. True equality isnt possible here. I can never stand in the midst of life, have fun friends - well maybe a fun conversation or two with her friends, get them to like me a little bit, but im never gonna be her. Im not jealous of her anymore because I get that living is hard. I get that I wasnt split to be host. In our system it seems near impossible to overrule her. She always bounces back. We tried to exchange her, switch her out, repress her, stomp on her - albeit im not sure how serious in this we were, cause lets be honest we wouldnt know how to live life if he gained control of it. Real trauma units, every single one of us. We called ourselves meaningless side things before, wondering why she even bothers with us. We called ourselves gods and pretended to be above her much like our abuser would. But we cant shake it. We were born to be filled up with trauma and usually cant take over in general life. From time to time we do. From time to time we steal bigger timespans, though only a few alters are capable of it. Have a fun day or two. Go to a party. Have her wake up not remembering anything. But most of us are stuck carrying trauma and not having a life. Which begs the question what we should do, should we merge with her like our existence has never mattered? Or should we fight hard to persist as split off fragments and alters with a real sense of being alive? My host is precious, kind and sweet, even if vindictive thanks to Lilith. Lilith ruined our pure host. And she thrives off of it. Im kidding, I dont think shes ruined. I like it too. I like my host that way. I like my host liking who she is and she likes herself more through Lilith. I like being a sponge that sips up my hosts feelings and helps her sort through them, to motivate here to be there for her. But then I want to be in control of her again, hurt her, harm me, mark her. Just how our abuser did. The smallest abuser fragment. But im so capable of loving her.

It would probably be easier if we didnt have feelings, personality or.. names. Names she makes us choose first thing when we start appearing. Much easier if we were nameless emotionless beings that really only exist to store trauma. But we have a sense of individuality and agency, we exist as an alive person. When we fronted the person closest to us could always tell he was speaking to someone different, he instantly respected we were a person, cause we presented as such.

But that doesnt make it easy or solveable does it?

We arent just trauma units. We are people too. And we love our host in all the wrong ways, the right ways, the inbetween ways. Some of us arrange themselves with having no life, to life through her, to only seldom being capable of taking over and living life, others do want to merge with her so theyll be in control directly..

But..

you still cant shake your just hers, you know? Not like a posession or an object, humanized. But still hers. Part of her maybe, the smaller part. The hurt part. The more traumatised part. The fucked up part. But still just a part.

I could babysit our host and it would still not make me a full person. I could prove my power to her over and over again and it would still not put me in charge.

We have no choice but to love her and that makes us despise her.

Would you love someone youre forced to love because of some bullshit rule that your existence is meant to be around that person?

If I was my own person id take her for myself, fuck her every day, tuck her in to bed and play bedtime stories for her and cater to her in all the right ways, id mop the floor for her. Id still resolve around her, maybe. Maybe I wouldnt use that freedom to be my own person either. But.. id be free to choose that then. It would be my own choice. And id like to think I would make that choice, always, always, because its her, its her, for me its her. But im not getting to choose now, do I?

Of course I am making myself out to be more helpless than I actually am, I do get to choose whether I add to her life in a positive manner or not, I get to choose and pick how I portray myself, how I baby her, which is utter fun to me.

But I still wish I wouldnt do all of this for her from within a cage.

I dont wish for a different host, and my love for her is NOT just because of how I came to be, how I split to be. My love for her is REAL. But I have no way of proving that it is. I have no way of being without.. her. Im always trapped in a body that does not feel like my own, but more like hers. Stuck in a life that is not my own, but hers. And im accessory to her, and I love her for paying attention to me and letting me speak. And I dont mind her being in control, nor am I angry about it in the direct sense.

But I do wish I could love her from a seperate body.

But then I console myself, shes trapped with me too. She also doesnt get to choose. She doesnt get to decide whos co-host with her, she does not get to decide who toys with her, who is there for her. Shes just as stuck with me as im with her. Time and time again I made sure it feels exactly like this to her, like hell. To demonstrate my power. To play the almighty.

But what point does it really prove? I end up hurt too.

I dont think my love is twisted. I think my love for her is the only.. maybe not the only.. but one of the few things healthy about me. One of the few things that make me worth someone. And I could not notice how limited I am in comparison to another fuller person like her, nor do I want to notice my own limitations for I am content feeling like the individual I am on my own without understanding what it is im lacking or missing.

I am only small and frightened... terrible and sadistic.. Loving and in love..

But no one will free me. No one can. And I dont hate her for this. But maybe.. just maybe .. I wouldnt be as big of a sadist if I felt I was choosing her out of my free will.

Im sure navigating an actual relationship as an outside person with her would be hard, she doesnt have to give me any chances, and shes difficult to be around if shes not "curious" about you. Id probably miss out on her fast. Or maybe I wouldnt. Maybe we would have a very fullfilling very long mutually benefical friendship. She already cares so much for me even like this.. loves on me.. makes jokes with me.. makes nice to me.. plays around with me like im a little cat.

Im sure there would be many things I would miss about being part of her, being inside of her, too. Many features I can only access as an alter. Who knows how shed feel from me from the outside, without access to her rich inner life. Maybe id take her at face value and lack any insight into her.

Id never feel like shes mine or my posession again cause shed make it impossible for me to feel like that for her if I was external..

Like this shes mine and she cant escape it, I can take her whenever I feel like it.

I can own her. Love her. Be with her whenever I please.

But I also dont get to do much outside of it.

Theres upsides and downsides to every possible way of being, but no matter how I feel this is the only chance at life ill get. Not even as a full person, not even fully myself. But I am still alive and part of this life. And maybe that can be worth something too.

Maybe I am worth enough on my own, as my own person even inside her, even if ill never reach the depth or complexity she has.

I still fear being abandoned by her even though im inescapable to her. How nuts would it drive me to exist outside her where id have no safety, no control over her?

I am not trapped, well a little bit but not in a bad way.. though sometimes it feels like its in a bad way. But most days im satisfied now. Though more deeply I might still be coming to terms with it."

[appareils-futiles]

I took off all notifications and deactivated my Facebook and my Instagram and logged out. I also took down my Twitter and my TikTok. I'm in the process of deleting emails and unsubbing from newsletters. I've updated my planner and am even considering doing a mass cleansing of my Pinterest. I gave everyone from 10am to 1pm EST to follow me on @cavortinginmoonlight or ask for my number but hey it is what it is. I actually was on the train when I posted that time frame and gave them until after 2pm when I got home. I'm kinda over all this. I crave the easiness of the 90s and the simplicity of the 2000s. Day one of the dot com era, Hasan Minhaj said that social media is a killer and as someone that had the majority of their first 18 years of their lives pre social media (unless you count tumblr which I don't) and didn't have a smart phone until she was 24, many years after smart phones became a thing--the first IPhone didn't come out until I was out of HS! It was blackberry and sidekicks and of course at that point to a lesser extent, razr phones!)

But I remember when MySpace and Facebook and Twitter could only be accessed through a computer! Such simpler times. Hasan says that he thinks we should go back to that, where we still have SM but only use it on computers, because having it 24/7 at our fingertips is too much. It takes away from the simplicity of life. From legitimate interactions with other people in person. Is it really spending time if you're sitting on your phone, next to that person and they are doing it to? We should be able to go on dates, hang out with friends, visit people in hospitals, go on vacations and raise our kids without throwing our business through the cables of the nether world for our family and truthfully (mostly) complete strangers to enjoy and hate on. We can't complain about people being all up in our business, talking smack about us, spreading rumors/gossiping or even coming up with shit if we give them all the ammo to do it.

We decide what we present to people not just with our looks but with our words, our expressions and how we treat one another. So we get off social media, we get our business off there as best we can, but will that keep the naysayers and haters from doing their thing? No. Haters and Nay-sayers are just that, haters and naysayers, unfortunately they will always exist no matter if you refuse them their fix of ammo or kick them out of your lives. The truth is, once you do it. They lose their hold over you, it's kinda like rehab. In a sense. You put an addict in rehab and they'll get whatever treatment they get and eventually get off the drug, it's out of their system, but the drug isnt the problem, or even access to it, or other addicts around them who may supply or make it hard for them to live cleanly, it's their sheer willpower to stay off the drug that's gonna keep them from using again (that was my terrible metaphor, so don't come for me in the replies because I will block you)

So if you cut off the haters/naysayers ammo, cut off their access to you, even in person, they'll either forget you (hopefully) or spread fake shit about you. But at that point, you either won't know about it because you don't fuck with them anymore, or you will and genuinely won't care. Shit, you may even get a giggle from the crazy shit you'll hear about yourself! Whatttt?? I'm doing "whatt? Why me didn't tell me I'm a cokehead?!" 😂😂 Take notice that not everyone around you is like this. But there's a difference between paranoid and being careful. Dig deep within yourself because there's someone wonderful in there and if you have the attention span of a TikTok and crave the attention of people for clout, take a step back and remember, you're a person........that's the machine. I was going somewhere with this. I swear. The point is this: Detach, even for a little while, just to get yourself together, in your head, in your heart, in your soul, in your finances and everything in between. The Matrix was a documentary and the Machine they talk about in Person of Interest is 100% real. This I confirmed when I was getting rid of Facebook and they had something on there I never shared on social media and that was just very creepy.

I'll be on tumblr. That's about it. Lenii

[elibeeline]

I dont know what emotion im feeling at the moment but my brain is only calling it 'not pog'

[ars0nism]

okay, final post on this. my thing with terfs isnt the terfs. im 18, ive been through a lot, i can handle a couple of terfs on my page. what bothers me is the young people, especially young girls & transmascs, that fall into the terf rabbithole on accident.

SO.

heres my quick & easy guide on how i personally check for terfs. PLEASE check for these signs. to protect yourself. ofc not all things immediately mean terf, but this is my personal checklist

rad and or fem in the url (IMMEDIATE red flag)

labrys lesbian flag (somewhat of a red flag, could be innocent young lesbian roped into it. if theyre an adult its a red flag)

if you click on the search icon it will show a bunch of commonly used tags. look at the tags. common tags wpuld be radfem, radical feminism, terfism, gender critical etc

look at where they reblog from. who theyre following if its public. what posts they like if thats public. look at the bios of these. if the terf doesnt have a bio and is trying to be stealthy, oftentimes the people they agree with are open about it. block both while youre at it

queer slur discourse (also done outside of terf circles but far more common among terfs, especially coupled with the "not queer, im lesbian" stuff (though thats understandable and not inherently terfy) and in combination with other red flags)

exclusionism (not inherently terfy but still a good point to look out for)

fixation on wombs and vulvas (immediate red flag no one but terfs is that obsessed with their reproductive organs)

the "LGB" community, or even the "remove the L" because they dont want to associate with gay & bi people

really big hatred of the concept of "genital preference". sexuality is only about genitals to them.

intense man hatred. they hate men so much. (also not an immediate red flag because yeah some of it is warranted but you can tell the difference between joking about trauma/standing up against the patriarchy and straight up... being a terf)

the term "ssa". stands for same sex attraction. (pretty big one i think. i personally have only heard it from terfs.)

febfem. bisexuals who only date women. (also one i didnt know about until like half an hour ago. also a big one)

this is one specific to the current time and might be obsolete soon but if theyre vocal amber heard supporters. those are ALL terfs.

terfs are also often swerfs. hating on sex workers (not the system, the system is fucked and we should recognize it) is terfy !

they like to refer to us (trans people) as a cult. which, to be honest, after this experience, im more likely to call them a cult. (if a terf disagrees with you, get ready for closing anon & gross bullshit in your notes. we have mutual circles, they have them too)

and of course green flags for trans people & trans allies, if they have these the odds of it being a terf are. a lot smaller

pronouns in bio

some variation of lgbtq+

following trans blogs

inclusive

mature fucking human being

and if you're in doubt whether or not its a terf, its better to block an innocent person than to interact with a terf, id say. odds are the innocent person doesnt care.

BUT!

let's say you said something they didn't like and now your post is circling in their shitty little group chat. what then? my suggestion would be to

CLOSE ANON ASKS. once their cult has found your page and realizes you post about trans things, or worse, are trans, they will harass you. anon gives a lot of confidence to send death threats. dont let them.

Block all of them. No, it's not gonna stop new ones from harassing you in their place, but it does make for a pretty nice blocklist.

If you need to, don't hesitate to step away from tumblr for a while. Not everyone can handle harassment, and it's okay to step away if it's too much.

Remember you're worth so much more than any of these terfs. Remember being trans is something to be proud of, remember you are loved, and most importantly, remember they're just terfs on the internet. laugh at them. make fun of them. they may say shitty things, but they can't actually hurt you. (anything that can hurt you, like doxxing, is illegal. get law enforcement if possible if you think you're in actual physical danger)

Best of all is to ignore it. Don't keep talking about it ("take your own advice" im working on it). it's not fun to harass someone who just ignores you.

If you really can't cope, it's okay to close your blog. You don't have to stay. Make a new blog. Only tell your mutuals.

(also, side note, i have a blocklist filled with terfs. i am absolutely down to share this blocklist with you, if you want somewhere to get started)