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hqamore · 3 years

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boreal star ✵ chapter one

people cannot outrun their past, not even the all-powerful darkling. and it so happens that his past just arrived at the palace gates.

series genre: romance & angst

series pairing: [past?] general kirigan (the darkling/aleksander) x reader

word count: 1.6k

non-english words: durak (a stupid man, a fool) & dorogaya (darling, sweetheart)

note: hope all is well! i was surprised to actually see interactions with the preview, so thank you very much. if you enjoy what you read, a comment goes a long way in terms of encouragement! if you have any questions or see any issues, i welcome pms or asks!

here’s the masterlist

when you arrived at the palace gates, a heavy guard presence and a lengthy line came into your sight. various emotions were scattered amongst the people: anticipation, dread, and hope. the line crept forward, guards tossing out several individuals in the process.

“the palace grounds are not open to visitors! if you do not have official business and papers to vet you, get lost!”

there was a pause followed by a number of sulking ravkans excusing themselves, grumbling about the sun summoner. the guards shook their heads as they continued processing each person.

when it was your turn, the guard gave you a dead look as he scanned your frame. “did you not hear what i said, little one? no papers, no entry.”

you offered him a tight smile. “i may not have any papers, but i think you’ll find the alternative plenty sufficient.”

he raised an eyebrow unconvinced. you rolled your eyes before gathering your hands in front of you. suddenly, he began floating in the air. gasps littered around you. the other guards, seeing their comrade in the air, rushed over and pointed their guns at you. as you lifted your arms in surrender, the floating guard found himself quickly acquainted with the ground again.

you hummed. “a six out of ten on the landing. what d’you think, boys?”

“arrest ‘em!” the guard huffed, straightening himself. “then, alert the king. he’ll want to see this grisha for himself.”

you extended your arms and two guards dragged you with them. “alright, alright. no need to be so rough, lads.” they were unrelenting and marched you right onto the palace grounds.

well, there’s no going back now.

✵ ✵ ✵

you stared up at the ceiling in your cell when footsteps grew closer.

“get up,” commanded a guard.

you lifted your head and gave him a once over. “and for what?”

with the jingle of keys, your cell door creaked open. one of the guards stepped in with wooden shackles. “the king will see you now.”

“oh, lovely.”

a guard pulled you up and yanked your arms behind you, securing them in the shackles.

“you guys certainly like to use force. have you tried talking to someone about it? it’s not good form to treat allies like this,” you chattered.

ignoring you, they pushed you towards the stairwell. you lagged behind them as you took in the nostalgic walls of the grand palace. not much had changed since the last time you laid eyes upon them. it was just as boring as you had remembered.

when you entered the throne room, whispers faded. a guard pushed you onto your knees before presenting you to the king. “this is the grisha we spoke of, your highness.”

the king peered down his nose, expression unchanging.

“is it true you’re grisha?” he questioned.

you looked at him with a small smirk. “would you like a demonstration, moi tsar?”

the guards around you trained their guns on you. you glanced at them unimpressed as you continued, “i mean that with all due respect. i spoke the truth when i said i was grisha. i am only here to help ravka.”

the king rubbed his goatee. “i hear you made a man float. what does that make you?”

“an etherealki.”

“a squaller then?” he speculated.

you shook your head as your smile grew. “a gravity summoner.”

hushed conversations erupted at your words, confusion reflecting in everyone’s faces. the tsar leaned forward in his seat with intrigue.

“i have never heard of such a thing,” he said.

“i do pride myself on being one of a kind,” you drawled. “surely, you would like to see a demonstration.”

he waved an attendant over. “call a heartrender.”

then, he nodded to you. “you understand, don’t you? as king, you can never be too cautious.”

you bowed your head slightly, still maintaining your smile. “i’m honored you’d think of me as a threat.”

“i would be a fool not to,” he snorted.

before the attendant could make it out of the throne room, a dulcet tone spoke from behind you.

“there’s no need, your highness,” it called, sending shivers up your spine. “i came as soon as i caught wind of an unknown grisha.”

you feel the mass of two bodies approaching the king. you tensed as a black ketfa swept past you. met with a familiar silhouette, you held your breath and redirected your attention to the ground.

“though, i am confused, moi tsar. if the issue was about grisha, why did you not call for me?”

the king waved his hand and nonchalantly said, “i wanted you to focus on training the sun summoner. this is a minor issue. no more, no less.”

“i see.” the man nodded to the corporalki who fixed his sight on you. “ivan, listen to their heart and make sure—”

you heard his talking cease once his feet faced you. there was a brief pause. you inhaled deeply before lifting your eyes to meet his. in that moment, your mind raced.

he looks the same as the day i left him... except that cockamamie hair is new. hmph, he’s still stupidly handsome but also plain stupid looking. look at him trying to piece it together.

“general?” the corporalki called, pulling you out of your thoughts.

the darkling cleared his throat and ripped his eyes away from you to look at the guards. “unchain them please. we need to see what kind of grisha they are.”

the guards unlocked your shackles, allowing you to rub your chafed wrists. you pushed yourself up and studied him for a moment. “i should get on with, ya?” you asked.

ivan glanced at his general, concern furrowing his brows at his odd behavior. he returned his focus to you and nodded, raising his hands in front of him. “if you get any ideas… well, i’m sure you’re familiar with what a heartrender can do.”

you let out a mocking laugh. “you’d be surprised at what i could do before you could even start.”

instantly, you felt an intense pressure in your chest, making your knees buckle. the corporalki smirked as blood rushed to your temple. in your struggle, you scowled at kirigan before you centered your hands. you shoved your hands down, increasing gravity’s pull on the heartrender. the pain in your heart let up once he fell to the ground. you gasped for air.

releasing him, you shakily regained your footing and breath. “do not forget, durak, i am not the enemy. you would have already perished if i were.”

slow clapping drew your attention away. the king looked overjoyed.

“that was riveting! general, what do you make of her?”

you raised an eyebrow at his statement. “are you sure? i haven’t even done the fun part. i could do more like make everyone in the room float or...” you trailed.

when you peeked at the shadow summoner, you could see his tense jaw and closed fists. his dark eyes met yours before he turned to the king with a false smile. “i’m sure they will be a valuable asset to ravka with the proper training.”

the king let out a hearty laugh, “i’m sure they will! treat them as though you would treat me, general kirigan. i have a feeling they will win me more than just expeditions across the fold.”

both grisha men bowed and pivoted towards you. kirigan clasped his hand around your forearm before pulling you away from the room. your feet stuttered as you tried to match his pace.

“either slow down or let go of me!”

relentless, he continued to stalk across the courtyard towards the little palace. you tugged away from his grasp and planted yourself with your powers. he circled to face you, rage evident in his glare.

“leave us,” he commanded. without another word, ivan left the two of you.

i suppose he wouldn’t want to do this where there are others.

while he was pacing, you stood there silently and waited for his eventual outburst.

his eyes were closed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. a heavy sigh left his lips, “where have you been, [y/n]?”

“shu han, actually. it was quite lovely and the weather was just—”

“saints! [y/n], do i look to be in a gaming mood?” he yelled.

you tilted your head and your lips quirked. “no? then, why act as if you had no idea who i was? were we not playing pretend? you seemed so into the game, general kirigan.”

he closed in on you, his gaze burning. he opened his mouth but no words left it. he gritted his teeth and turned away as his hands clenched and unclenched.

“it has been thirty years, [y/n]. why return at all?”

in a moment of confidence, you inched closer to him. your hands slid up his back, onto his shoulders. you leaned into his ear. “for you, my love.”

you let go and created space between you. he spun slowly, his features riddled with disbelief. “you still have feelings for me?”

breathy laughter escaped you. “feelings for you, darling? don’t be ridiculous. as if any of my past affections for you could bring me back to this over-glorified cage you’ve created. no, aleksander, i’m here to ruin you.”

his body tensed before an arrogant smirk set on his lips. he crept nearer. “ruin me? i’d love to see you try. you forget, dorogaya, i have an army. what do you have?”

“you. or, rather, i know how your mind works. i know your tactics, general. let’s see how you fare when i pick you apart from the inside,” you sang as you brushed past him. “now, come show me to my room.”

continue to chapter two? yes

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone imagine #general kirigan x reader #general kirigan imagine #the darkling x reader #the darkling imagine #shadow and bone fanfiction #grishaverse fanfiction #aleksander morozova x reader #boreal star

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vaire-gwir · 3 years

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A Bit of Light, and a Touch of Dark

I wanted Darkolai and I wanted Nikolai on the throne, so I tried to give myself both. This story was supposed to be my very personal take on the grishaverse. Spoiler: it did not work, see notes under read more.

I have posted two snippets of this on my blog a while ago and I’ve been thinking about this story since then because I might be a bit obsessive 🥺 I planned to call it A Bit of Light, and a Touch of Dark, maybe Universes out of Bitten Lips and Broken Hands? I didn’t get as far as planning a title but knowing me it will probably be a song🙈🙈

Now, after extensive debate with my three personalities, I have come to terms with the fact that I can’t write this thing. I want to, but it’s clearly beyond my very limited writing abilities. But, I have been writing a whole 6k of it and a few more snippets. And a couple of people went through the painful ordeal that has been reading and correcting them, honestly, it’s a miracle they didn’t tell me to fuck off (I love you so much, and I owe you big time ❤️ I cannot thank you enough for your patience and kindness 🥰)

Bit of a warning: I am very forgiving toward everything the Darkling ever did, I can justify anything with “his intentions were good!” or “look at what he went through!”. You can try to talk some sense into me but I cannot guarantee it will work. Sorry.

Anyway, I will put it out here, and hopefully it will stop staring at me accusingly every time I open my drafts folder. It’s really 6k...pls be patient.

Enjoy? Let me know where I fucked up

*****

"I think it would be wise to not declare war on anyone before breakfast."

The Darkling seemed annoyed by that comment as if he was counting on that to brighten up his mood.

On most days, not killing anyone in this room is way beyond the amount of effort he is willing to put into the ruling of Ravka. It comes as a side effect of knowing he could efficiently solve any issue by destroying his enemies with a snap of his fingers. He doesn't have to negotiate and listen to these fools. There are better ways to use his time than waste it with ambassadors and diplomats with no intention to cooperate.

"I can try to make it until lunchtime, but I'm not making any promises considering the present company. They hardly deserve to live."

Nikolai leans over the armrest of the golden chair, throwing a meaningful look at the man sitting next to him. The Darkling keeps his impeccable posture, his back straight, long legs elegantly crossed, his feature schooled into an artfully crafted mask of indifference, hiding the annoyance, boredom, and irritation he must feel at the display before his black eyes. He never seems to be affected by his surroundings, always keeping his composure in every situation. Nikolai loves to see him crack a little, only in private, but it's a special privilege, even more than being King.

He looks every bit the part. As if courts and politics were something engraved into his heart like the shadows and not something he acquired in time and out of necessity. He has often wondered where someone like Aleksander would have ended up if the world didn't hate him. Nikolai doubts he could even attempt to keep Ravka together without the General. Or, he could find a way, he's willing to do everything in his power and beyond for this country. He's just not sure he wants to try to rule without him.

"You can't kill them just because you don't think they deserve to live."

"Mh. Are you absolutely sure?" Only the whisper of the words no one but the king can hear betrays his true feelings. That, and the fact that Nikolai learned to read him very well: a shadow fleeting through his dark eyes, reflecting the ones moving at the edges of the room where no one pays attention, an almost invisible crease at the corner of his perfect lips as he speaks, a shift in his voice. Maybe there are still traces of power in him, bright specks flowing through his veins, filling his core, constantly reminding him of its presence, that allows him to read Aleksander a little easier. Like calls to like, and they have always been more similar than they wanted to admit.

"Positive, Sasha."

"Not even that idiot from Fjerda?" Aleksander says focusing his attention on the ministers of the court and ambassadors sitting at the table. Soon, they will make their demands, state their arguments, make promises they'll never keep, beg for help and give nothing in return. And above all, they will all stare at him with a particular mixture of hate, disgust, and disbelieve. Selfish, prejudiced, patronizing pricks. They're the worst. Ruining their kingdoms over squabbles and nonsense, refusing to see the reality right before their eyes. They need Grishas. They may not be alright with that concept, but the truth doesn't stop being true just because it makes some people uncomfortable.

Fjerda though, that's a different story. He finds it quite hard to trust a gesture of good heart coming from someone whose entire faith, life, and belief system is built on the conviction that a God anointed him to destroy someone else based on their alleged demonic nature. Aleksander was not a very religious person, he has never been. He finds it frankly offensive, that someone might be so easily convinced that a superior holy entity preaches slaughter because it is slightly bothered by a different power.

Since Nikolai ascended to the throne, they barely used the actual throne room for the councils, Saints bless the boy for that. Now all the meetings happened in the Eagle's Nest, a recently redecorated dining room, where everyone could sit at the same table. It gave the appearance of being all equals, at least at a first impression. It doesn't take much to glance behind that facade, but it kept a few more people quiet, and Aleksander was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

There was much more Nikolai could do to keep people quiet, but at least on the surface, he had to make it look like he was doing this by the book. He didn't mind bending the rules a little, almost everything could pass for military necessity in times of extreme danger to the country and its people, but he didn't want to push his luck. Favours change too quickly, and Ravka cannot afford more wars. Some of the people in this room would be all too happy to see him fail. Many of them were looking forward to seeing his brother on the throne, a reliable puppet they could easily use for their advantage and manipulate towards whatever was more convenient. For them of course, not for the people of Ravka.

Aleksander had never been able to pinpoint the exact reason why they all hate Grisha so much. They can hate him. He can be a monster if they need one, but why do they hate every single Grisha? He has proved to them time and time again that there are no other Summoners left with powers like him. There were once, but Kings and Generals throughout the centuries made sure to kill them all. Drüskelle were responsible for the slaughter of a good half of them, which was the reason why he had no love for the Fjerdans sitting at this table.

They fear every Grisha and think them evil because they do not understand their powers and refuse to use their little brains for once. And in deeming themselves superior, they arrogate the right to choose the good from the bad, who lives, who dies, who is worthy, who is nothing.

He is used to those greedy, narrow-minded assholes judging him as if their hands were clean. It's just that some days it bothers him a little more. At least he always took care of matters personally, and he has only ever acted with the well-being of his kind in mind. These people that look down on him hide behind armies and titles and the lives of innocent men, too-easily convinced to lose it all for a kingdom that doesn't care about them. But they have never been on the front lines of the wars they dictate. They never cared about anyone but themselves.

Yet, he is the one with blood on his hands. The one they all fear above everything.

All but the golden child sitting on the Double Eagle throne. Too honest and genuine to be in this room. They have always fleeted around each other, since the first time Aleksander began suspecting of his potential. Perhaps a little too close than was deemed proper.

Aleksander knows court life will ruin him too. Nothing good ever stays good in Ravka. This palace makes them all into liars and monsters, and murderers, and it's just a matter of time before the golden child changes too.

"Especially not the idiot from Fjerda," Nikolai says shifting his attention back to the room.

Aleksander notices he tries his best to act king-like and proper, but he has always been a man of action, something neither his lazy father nor his stupid brother was. He lacked the typical idleness and indolence of his family. Some of their stupidity too. He was still a child though, a bastard child that lost too much, stubborn, and too interested in his little escapades on his pirate ship. He paid the price of too many wars on his own skin, and he was now determined to avoid them at all costs.

"Not that I would terribly mind, I have the feeling Jarl Brum doesn't like me very much. I might be wrong though, he's too busy staring at you and praying you spontaneously dissolve into nothingness," Nikolai adds shifting again on the chair as if he was restless, unable to sit comfortably on the much-desired spot he was occupying.

"He has only tried to kill me twice in the past six months, I was almost starting to believe we were getting along."

"He has what?!" Nikolai frets, whipping his head so fast more than a few people stare at him in confusion.

"Don't fuss. Not over me, and especially not here. You're a King now," Aleksander cautions him. "Act like one." He doesn't even look at him, he brushes an inexistent speck of dust from his black Kefta and resumes his study of the people in the room.

Nikolai quickly collects himself, taking a sip of his tea and masking his concern by putting his usual smile back in position. He knows he’s right. He waits until everyone has gone back to their conversations before turning to the Darkling again.

"Keeping secrets, are we, love?"

Assassinations were old news in court. Such attempts usually occurred when someone decided to use creative methods to take over the desired position. In this particular case, nobody wanted Alexander's role. They simply didn't want <i> him </i> to have it. Many still didn't want to see Grishas in the palace, let alone have them occupying influential positions.

However, that is not what bothers Nikolai. He knows perfectly well that Aleksander can take care of himself better than anyone in the entire country and beyond. It's the fact that he didn't tell him that doesn't sit right with him. He should know if someone tries to kill his lover.

"If I had to mention every time someone tries to kill me, we'd talk murder non-stop,” the Darkling retorted.

Something in his eyes softens slightly when he throws a quick look at the boy next to him, a different spark shines in those obsidian black eyes.

"I'm fine. But I’ll send for you next time I have dead bodies to take care of if you insist."

"Is this your idea of a perfect date? We'll go riding by the lake at sunset and dump dead bodies into it? Charming. I'm only slightly concerned."

"Moi Tsar," Tolya interrupts their conversation with the sketch of a bow, "The Shu Han ambassador won't arrive, it's clear. The rest of the council is getting impatient."

Nikolai and Aleksander share a look. The news doesn't come as a surprise.

Aleksander predicted this, he tried to warn his King. He knows Shu Han too well. All they ever did was create chaos at the borders, never officially invading the country, but never retreating at the same time. They killed everyone who wandered too close to their frontiers, civilian or soldier, but they were particularly keen on targeting Grishas. And in a most gruesome way. The General stopped trying to send in soldiers after he got their heads back. He didn't know them well, but they trained here, they had friends in the Second Army, hopes and ideas like everyone else.

Leaders and Ambassadors of the Shu Han nation never openly admitted they were at fault. At first, they attempted to blame the Kerch, after that, the only answer Aleksander received was that the situation at the borders was unstable beyond their control and that rebels and mercenaries have always been in the business of murder. They were not sent by Shu Han nor did they respond to its government.

Aleksander could almost believe that the Kerch were responsible for the bloodshed, but their ambassador was standing right in front of him, while Shu Han didn't even bother attending the meeting.

"Yes, Tolya, let's begin."

The King too was worried.

*****

"How do you do it? I don't think I'm made for councils."

Nikolai closes the door behind his back and leans on it for a moment.

When he decided to include all neighboring nations and states in the meeting it seemed a great idea. But this was three months ago, when he still believed the first council after the Civil War could represent the time to start debating peace instead of another war. Then the news of the skirmishes at the Shu Han borders came, and soldiers of the Second Army started to go missing. To make it worse, they owed a formal apology to the Kerch ambassadors for suspecting them to be at fault. Earlier it became crystal clear that the Shu Han nation had no intention of settling for peace. And Fjerdans were trying to kill his lover. Again.

Now all that was left of his bright idea was the nagging feeling of wasting time, a sensation impossible to ignore, it lays in his path like a stone and he keeps tripping over it every two steps. When he longed for change, this is not what he foresaw.

"Nonsense. You're doing great. No one is bleeding or dead. Yet."

Aleksander barely lifts his eyes from the letter he's reading, but he knows the feeling that oppresses the King, he has been all too familiar with its weight for all his years of service. He understands his concerns. He warned him again over breakfast not to get his hopes high. The Shu Han nation has been doing the same thing for centuries. They have always treated the war with Ravka like another one of their scientific experiments. Every new campaign was a test to be repeated as many times as necessary to get the results they needed. To a small degree, Alexander admired their scientific advancements. Just not when their methods applied to dissecting and experimenting on humans.

The last time he lead a campaign against the nation they were hoarding Grishas to use them as test subjects for their latest experiments. Nikolai claimed he had no memory of that war. Aleksander answered sometimes he too wanted to have no memory of what he saw, but remembering keeps him focused on what needs to be done to make sure such atrocity toward his kind never happens again.

"Splendid. The greatest achievement of a council that was supposed to find a way to work together for peace is that no one is dead. Yet."

Aleksander finally raises his eyes from the letter he's writing to stare at the king pacing the length of his study.

"It is not your fault Shu Han didn't come, Nikolai."

Not for the first time, Aleksander notices how out of place Nikolai looks in his private, dark quarters, where everything, from the marble floor to the intricate brocade pattern on the wall was in shades of black. The table he was using for his correspondence was ebony with touches of gold, like the rest of the furniture. The curtains moving in the light breeze were a deep shade of indigo, even the armchairs, and divans that littered the path the King kept walking were either dark grey or a crimson so deep it looked black.

And Nikolai, Nikolai who never stays still for long, even in his sleep - Aleksander had plenty of time to study his night habits - looks as bright as the sun in this room. He wouldn't be surprised if the boy starts bleeding white the next time he's wounded. His powers might be gone, but the light is still there.

When he sits in court he's constantly tapping his fingers, playing with his rings, bouncing his leg, or shifting on his throne. Another child-like habit that made him look too young, too innocent to rule this court of vultures and jackals. Perhaps it's the light that draws him in, the brightness, the innocence, the things he can't have. There was another one, as bright as the sun too...

"Why? What are they trying to prove? That they can force my hand into a public act of war? I will not fall for that. How much more bloodshed does it take to stop?"

Despite the military training and everything he's been through, he is still too soft at the edges, convinced people can improve and grow. But Aleksander has been on this earth long enough to see that men only grow in their cruelty and their endless desire for more power, more kingdoms to submit, more people to control. There is no improvement in them, there is only indifference, contempt, and hatred. They don't think change is necessary because they are fine the way they are. If the rest of the world burns, it's simply not their problem.

As King of Ravka, Nikolai won't live long enough to see the death of his illusions, which is a small mercy in itself.

"You fail to grasp a basic concept. You are willing to do whatever it takes to make this country a better, safer, place for everyone. You. Those people, in that room, they couldn't care less. War is an opportunity, one that is a crime to miss. That is all they see."

"I was under the impression that slaughtering the innocents was a crime in the eyes of the Saints," Nikolai argues finally stopping in his tracks.

"The innocents, Moi tsar?" The Darkling answers lowering his papers, almost amused by the King's naivete. "Where are these innocents you speak of? Show me an innocent man and then maybe we'll talk."

The days of councils are long enough without this boy blindly heeding his emotions. Aleksander has little to no patience for that. He already put up with clueless advisors and useless ambassadors, he doesn't need a child's tantrum. Kerch and Fjerdan ministers have been problematic enough, with all their mindless chattering about the loyalty of the Second Army. He has been on edge for the better part of the day and it's only early afternoon.

It always comes down to that: Grisha and their loyalty, and what can be done to improve and use the Second Army more efficiently, as if those lives didn't matter, not in the same way at least.

Nobody understood the kind of lives Grishas had to live. They had not seen the witch hunters going from door to door, burning houses, barns, and shelters on their way, they haven't seen people selling out their neighbours for a few copper coins. Things take a different perspective if you wake up one day with the sting of smoke and burning flesh in your nose, recognizing the baker or the farmer's son in the pile of smouldering flesh in the main square, knowing you'll be the next. Aleksander learned to never stay in the same town for more than three months before he could grasp the idea of home. He was still a child when he realized they had been found guilty before anyone had even trialed them. They existed, and it was more than enough as a crime.

Nikolai has not been through that. He has known loss and trouble, but he found out about his powers late in his teenage years and had always hidden them. And while that's another small mercy, for Aleksander wouldn't wish that kind of fate on anyone, it makes it easier for him to wish for peace at all costs.

Eventually, the golden king will have to come to terms with it. Nikolai can wish for a future without wars and bloody battles, but Aleksander has always been a practical man. Dreams don't make for successful plans, and they don't keep people from being slaughtered.

As General, and as someone who has been on this earth for centuries, he knows that the things he must do for his country, and the things he's expected to do, very seldom agree. Perhaps it is foolish of him to expect that Nikolai will see that difference.

"There might be a tragic lack of them in this palace," Nikolai sighs.

"Thank you, it's all much easier when you recognize I'm right. Can we go back to planning this war now or do you want to further discuss the nature of innocence in..."

"You make it sound like a crime," Nikolai interrupts suddenly irritated, turning toward the General. "You say 'innocence' like it's offensive to you, the fact that there can be someone less tainted and corrupted. Yet when the Second Army is involved you're quick to change your mind and believe some lives are suddenly worth saving. Do you measure the worth of life only by its loyalty and to whom?"

When Nikolai realizes the weight of his words, it's too late. He's exhausted and upset, frustrated by his momentary helplessness and the persistent feeling that there's more he should do, and he's taking it out on the only person that would listen. He should know better.

The Darkling raises to his feet in a swift motion. Something flickers in his black eyes and the shadows grow with him, crowding the corners and threatening to swarm in and engulf the room.

The movement is barely perceptible, and to less trained eyes, all that's happening is an invisible breeze making a few candles flicker, but Nikolai notices. He's not afraid of them, he learned to not fear the power for it lives inside him too, but it is an undeniable display of the gravity of his words. Aleksander never loses control.

It lasts only a second, then the lights flutter, and the darkness is gone.

"I don't see why you should discuss the ruling of your kingdom with someone like me then. We both have things to do to invest our time productively before the council is resumed." Aleksander keeps his voice intentionally devoid of any emotion, straining his control to keep at bay his anger - and was that disappointment he felt? How silly, he shouldn't be so affected by mere words.-

"What? Wait, that came out wrong, I didn't mean...Aleksander!" Nikolai reacts a second too late, when the Darkling is already walking out of the room, and he's left blinking stupidly, calling after the man he loves and has just hurt.

*****

Aleksander's tolerance of stupid ideas is particularly low at the moment. It's his fault, he shouldn't let shallow remarks get to his head. He has to get a grip of himself. Between the council, his disagreement with Nikolai, and Fjerdans getting on his nerves, he doesn't put it past himself to accidentally-on-purpose cut the next idiot that suggests sending more troops from the Second Army to the border. Or mutters the word 'witch'.

It's stupid, and incredibly naive of him to let Nikolai's words affect him so. Four hundred years and some and he gets disappointed by a child? He's too old for crushes. And his position in court is precarious enough. He has served Lantsov Kings for centuries, and it always ended the same way. Perhaps his first mistake was believing this one was the opposite of his family. He is the one who put Nikolai on the throne because he trusted him to do things differently. To do things right. Correct centuries-old wrong. But trust always gets him in trouble. Trust pushed him into a frozen lake when he was thirteen and put him in the middle of a Civil War four centuries later.

I'll find a way.

He has heard Nikolai affirm that more times than he can count. And the determination in his voice and the storm shining in his green eyes convinced even him that he was really going to find a way to make things better.

Aleksander was not the kind of person easily persuaded by bold words and sparkling eyes. But in all the years they fleeted around each other, Nikolai had always listened to him talking about changes. He often mentioned a time before the hunts when all men were equals, Grisha and Otkazat'sya alike, and Nikolai didn't laugh in his face like everyone else. Instead, he claimed that he'll find a way to bring back justice.

The boy was an idealist. A romantic, in love with hopeless cases. He dreamt of flying ships when he was a child, then he dreamt of change and fairness.

But Aleksander had seen him drawing, sketching, planning his flying ships, ink-stained hands, and charcoal smudging on paper. He would show him what he worked on, thrilled and beaming over his project, delight flashing in his green eyes as he talked as quickly as humanly possible. He'd wave his hands around as if he was describing parts of an actual ship physically existing in the space between them, and not one he was tracing from memory. He wore his innocence on the sleeves of his green coat, and Aleksander has distinct memories of late afternoons in that pavilion, convinced that one day this boy will have his flying ships. There's nothing he cannot achieve if he puts his mind to it. Is that why he fell so hard for him and his dreams?

When Nikolai started to talk about change, and justice, and improvement, he did so in the same way he'd chat about his vessels. And Aleksander believed him again.

He believed in the boy before he even knew of his powers. For reasons he cannot grasp, the golden child has the same effect on him as using his powers. It feels like answering a relentless call. As if something was tugging at his core, pulling on him, and it's impossible to ignore. Suppressing it hurts him just like repressing their powers damage Grisha. He can't and he does not want to ignore it. The darkness is inevitably drawn to the light.

Aleksander knew that getting close to him was a mistake. But his glowing resolve, that he couldn't ignore. It burned so bright and so close to everything he worked hard to achieve.

When Nikolai ascended to the throne, he felt like he had finally been able to ditch the weight of service. He was not serving anymore, this was more than a job. He shared an idea with someone, and he was working for him, with him, to make it come true. To make things better. For everyone.

But he knows it will come a time when whatever bond they share will pay the price necessary to keep the country from tearing apart at the seams. It seems that moment has come sooner than he anticipated.

He straightens himself just in time to find Ivan dismissing an Oprichniki and asking him again if he's sure he only wants two guards.

"Yes. I need everyone else to be ready."

Ivan inspects the room again for the umpteenth time.

"It is not safe. Half of the people in this room tried to kill you. The other half is just waiting for an occasion."

"I know. I'd rather have everyone else prepare. We might have to leave in a hurry."

The look in his black eyes it's unmistakable, Ivan has seen it enough times to know what it means.

The majority of the council will press for war. And when that happens, it's not the First Army that will be sent to the front lines.

"Are you certain then?"

Aleksander hesitates for a second. He cannot see Nikolai's decision with clarity.

"No. Nothing is certain until the King decides so. In the meantime, we can both hope for the best if it makes you feel better, but it will be of little help. I want to be prepared for the worst."

Ivan nods once and resumes his position. He relies on this man over everything. The Darkling didn't make it this far hoping for the best. Neither did he.

*****

When the council resumes in the afternoon, Nikolai is surprised to see Aleksander already sitting impeccably at his seat. He looks flawless as always, like nothing happened. As if Nikolai didn't spend the better part of three hours scouting the palace searching for him. He would have been disrespectfully late, if Zoya hadn't found him wandering near one of the laboratories. Nikolai is pretty sure she spent the walk back to the palace scolding him in various and creative ways, but he wasn't paying attention. It didn't even occur to him that Aleksander had never left the palace grounds.

But of course, General Kirigan would never fail his duties and miss a council. His absence would raise suspicions, people would ask questions better left unanswered, and he can't take that risk.

It's also a very convenient way to get out of the inevitable confrontation between them. Nikolai can't address whatever happened earlier in front of the court.

Clever.

The man appears to be in deep conversation with Ivan, who just dismissed a Oprichniki, and stubbornly refuses to meet his eyes.

When Nikolai finally sits down, the room is considerably less crowded than it was in the morning. If anyone else felt the tension mounting, they all have enough brains to keep their mouths shut, but it was undeniable that this meeting was taking a very different turn.

Except for Ivan, Zoya, and a couple of Oprichniki from the Darkling's guard, no other Grisha remained at the council. He mentally kicks himself again for his stupidity. He doesn't have time to ask why Aleksander dismissed them, but the General is always three steps ahead of everyone else. He must have had a good reason to send them away. Reason he would have shared, if Nikolai hadn't been busy acting like a child and pouring his frustration on him.

Nikolai wanted to dismiss them all immediately and talk to Aleksander alone, the need to apologize gnawing away at his core. He doesn't want to leave things like that between them but he still has a country to rule. He doesn't have the luxury of time.

He may be King in title, but sometimes, most of the time, he's just a man. Specifically, a man that fucked up and wants to apologize to the one he loves without worrying about the country falling apart like some fine china someone dropped from the shelf if he takes the afternoon. Apparently, privacy was too much to ask for in the Palace.

*****

The majority of any council the Darkling ever had to attend in his decades had been spent bickering and squabbling. Everything, from the military expense to the borders, from the training of the recruits to the budget, even the affairs and balls of the court had to be discussed in way more words any person with common sense would use. And every single one of these issues was always inevitably reduced to the elephant in the room: Grisha and their role in society and military. It was the preferred topic whenever someone needed a scapegoat: the expenses and the stretched budget were because money was wasted on and by Grishas in the court, problems at the borders were caused by the constant river of Grisha coming to seek shelter in Ravka, military issues were caused by the presence, or the lack, of Grisha soldiers on the front lines. And as a direct consequence in the eyes of these ignorant fools, everything came down to the one they considered responsible for these Grisha.

Aleksander suspects more than one person in the room would throw a ball if Grisha disappeared off the face of the land. Many had interesting ideas on how to make that happen.

"Moi Tsar, I understand your...Chancellor has an army at his disposal that can be used in case of an inevitable attack."

The Darkling has to refrain from rolling his eyes at the disdain and mockery in the Kerch ambassador's voice. So much contempt for someone who just admitted they need help. He tries to keep his stony self-control, but he doesn't appreciate the direction of this conversation. They are always so cautious when it comes to dispatching their men. Saints forbid they extend the same courtesy to Grisha.

"I'll go. I can take care of Shu Han on my own, there is no need to involve any army."

Aleksander had a lot of time to think after he left Nikolai. War was inevitable, stupid, but imminent. All their councils and meeting and dancing around the issue were only postponing a story already written. It was pointless to waste the lives of people on this issue when it could easily be solved. Aleksander didn't mind doing something awful. And if he also immensely enjoy the idea of laying waste to Koba and watch the ruins, well, that's just a side bonus.

"No. That is out of the question." Nikolai stares at him with his expression caught between warning and pleading.

"Why? It is Grisha they are targeting the most." Aleksander doesn't hesitate before countering, meeting the King's hazel eyes for the first time.

"And who can guarantee us you won't come back with an army?" A tall man clad in a grey uniform all but glowered at Aleksander as he spoke.

"An army of what? Starving women and children? What do you fear these people will do, Commander, steal your dinner? Because I can hardly imagine that someone who has been left to die on the streets, hunted, and on the run, has the power to do much more than that."

Aleksander's hate for the Fjerdans is endless, a constant presence under the surface. He has seen things he can't forgive. It is insulting to have these men in council, yet Nikolai insisted on inclusion. But the King had never seen first hand what happens in the Ice Court, he hadn't witnessed the so-called fair trial, he hasn't seen people being executed for the sole crime of existing.

"But power they have nonetheless, and there's no assurance you won't turn on us."

"Commander, you will watch your tongue. I won't tolerate this kind of talk in my council." Nikolai holds his gaze until he sees the Commander cautiously lowering his eyes.

It was his decision to have the Fjerdans here, but he's quickly regretting it. He can still sense Aleksander tensing at his side, his powers simmering below the surface as he restrains himself from any action that will get them all in trouble. He's about to add something, but Aleksander already warned him about being too open in public. People despise him enough without thinking he's the King's most inappropriate fling in the long history of ill-suited lovers in the Lantsov family.

"I must insist though, except for a few skirmishes and fights, no act of war worthy of this name has been made by Shu Han. An attack on them will be the perfect excuse to set a plan in motion. I understood you wanted to avoid war, Moi Tsar, not handle it to them on a silver platter," a Fjerdan minister interrupts.

Nikolai rolls his eyes as he answers: "And what else is bloodshed in time of peace, if not an act of war, ambassador?"

<i> Next time it could be you receiving the heads of your people with the evening post. I'm sure that would raise a few questions in Fjerda about what's an act of war. </i> As General, Aleksander knows his answers have to be precisely sketched and he never speaks out of place, but as a person with very little to no patience, in the privacy of his own mind, it would be so satisfying to watch one of his nichevo'ya kill this idiot.

"We all know it is high time someone puts Shu Han in its place," the Kerch ambassador begins again "Why not send this so-called army to clean the border?"

"I agree. War cannot be avoided," the Apparat surprisingly chimes in with his dusty voice. "If they are so powerful they surely can win over a band of rebels and mercenaries. And if they are not...well, then I don't see why the precious resources of our country should be wasted for such a useless purpose."

"Useless, priest? The King's army is not an expendable commodity," Aleksander knows he should watch his words, but it's butchery of his kind this man preaches so lightly, and that is not something he can accept. "And I shall remind you, this so-called army you speak of has already proved invaluable to you and everyone else in this room."

"The King's army, or yours, Darkling? Weren't you the one who paraded around flaunting the greatness of this army in front of this very same council at every given occasion?"

There's more than arrogance and contempt in the Fjerdan's voice this time, it's the voice of someone testing the waters, stretching the line as much as he can, and waiting to see how long it takes to snap. Aleksander had met men like him, there's one in every court. He's not here to secure peace in the country, he's only here to ensure he can pick the winning side.

It suddenly dawns on him that they are all here to test the waters. They do not care about the struggle at the borders, none of them is here to find a way to stop the fights with Shu Han. They are putting out a feeler question, this is no more than an excuse to pry into Ravkan affairs. What he can't understand is why the Apparat is backing this charade.

"And will you all support this army we are to send?" Nikolai asks, much to the General's disbelief. He didn't expect the King to agree. The boy is smart enough to see through this nonsense.

"Of course, Moi Tsar. We will do our part, as always."

Aleksander knows that's a lie. The question is, does the King know too?

He watches Nikolai nod and zones out for a moment, missing a few unimportant exchanges. For all his softness, the King agreed all too soon to send Grisha into another futile war. Whatever happened between them earlier cannot be enough for Nikolai to doubt him. It could be that the King is testing loyalties, yet if Nikolai had any suspicions about his support he likes to believe he wouldn't use a war council to dissipate them. That's not how it works between them, Aleksander strengthened his claim to the throne because he thought Nikolai would be different from his father and brother. With the golden child on the double-eagled throne for once, Ravka would have a king interested in the well-being of its citizens, all of its citizens, not only the Otkazat'sya ones. Or so he believed.

Could it be that whatever personal feelings he had for Nikolai blinded him to the point of making such a mistake?

Coming back to his senses, he searches the room for a friendly face. Ivan is at his side in a heartbeat.

"If this is the council decision," Aleksander interrupts a woman with the sharp, black eyes of a wolf. "Then I have troops to prepare. You must forgive me."

Bowing his head slightly, the Darkling stands up and excuses himself, finding it very hard to remain in the room any longer.

#darkolai #aleksander morozova #nikolai lantsov #sad attempts to write grishaverse #sun summoner nikolai #the darkling #my personal take on the grishaverse #shadow and bone #sturmling #grishaverse #This is probably all wrong and out of characters #writing problems

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greensaplinggrace · 3 years

Note

So you mentioned in another post that you have some strong thoughts on Baghra, especially about how the story frames her as one of the good guys. I would love to hear about it.

@youremotionallystablefriend: I would love to hear you rant about Baghra if you feel like it (and haven’t already)! Personally I don’t think she gets enough constructive critique in the fandom for being the one that brought Aleks up and for the way she treated her pupils and especially Alina :/

Anon: Hello! I love your thoughts on the grisha books. I'm actually interested to hear your take on Baghra

@misku-nimfa: If you are up for it, I would love to read your thoughts on Baghra or your full critique of society in the Grishaverse. Your analysis is really well structured and interesting! ^.^

Anon: Hi! I saw your recent post and was wondering if you'd share more of your thoughts on Baghra?

---

Hello everyone! I was honestly very surprised to see so many people interested in my thoughts on Baghra? I'll share what I can, but please know that this is by no means a full breakdown of her character! It’s just some Thoughts I’ve had, and they’re mostly centered around show Baghra because that’s how I was first introduced to her character. Although IMO book Baghra might actually be even worse.

I’d like to preface this by saying that many of my issues with the treatment of Baghra as a character in fandom come from the wild double standard there seems to be regarding her and the Darkling. Darkling Antis and a vast majority of the people in this fandom who don’t like his character have a disturbing habit of absolutely ripping into the Darkling for all of his faults and then turning around and treating Baghra as some sort of pristine mother figure for the exact same shit.

They’ll talk about how badass she is, how strong she is, how they sympathize with her past (although they’ll continue to dehumanize the Darkling and refuse to sympathize with his own past) and sympathize with the fact that she has to deal with the Darkling (who’s always referred to as a monster she must corral or control, as if he is inhumane and beastly. These particular comments always take on the very distinct tone of victim blaming as well). They’ll laud her for all of these “powerful girlboss” moments as if they aren’t carbon copies of the Darkling’s own behavior - as if they aren’t things Baghra herself taught him. Which is why this is the wildest double standard of all to me, because every horrible action they praise Baghra for is something she taught the Darkling, and something they cannot stand to see in him as well.

It’s as if there’s a disconnect between their consumption of the literature when it comes to the two characters, and I’m of the opinion that it’s largely because Baghra is a woman and a mother and therefore infantilized in the fandom quite a bit. In fact, Bardugo herself often infantilizes many of her female characters in her writing. This is mostly through the process of excusing their terrible deeds, not allowing them to do anything remotely dark, or brushing any morally grey actions under the rug without ever touching upon them. Which puts me in the strange position of knowing I’m supposed to sympathize with Baghra for having to deal with the monster she’s created, and instead feeling resentful of the fact that this bitter woman is held up as this wise old strict teacher instead of the abusive mentor/mother she should have been.

Now, here’s what I said to make so many of you send me asks:

Last note, in reference to your first line, and also probably a pretty unpopular opinion. I do not like Baghra. And it legit has nothing to do with the Darkling or with Alina, I just don't like her "I'm going to hit you and berate you and emotionally abuse you and manipulate you and act like the good guy at the end of it" vibe she's got going on. At least Aleksander is acknowledged as the villain within the narrative. Idk wtf Baghra is on but it's absolutely wild to me that people aren't more critical of her actions. Which is, rather fortunately for you, another rant I will save for another post if anybody ever wants to hear it lol. (but like kudos to Baghra's actress. I loved the character as a character, I just don't like the way she's framed as a good guy. Weird. Uncomfortable. She literally set bees on the kids she was teaching).

This basically summarizes most of my thoughts on Baghra as a character and how she’s portrayed. I touched on it a bit above, but the way she’s able to get away with so much and not suffer under heavier critique is honestly baffling to me. There should be a lot more criticism of her out there in the fandom. This is the woman who abused her students and neglected her son. Although to be honest I don’t even know how to quite describe the emotionally neglectful yet unhealthily codependent bond she fostered in him from a young age. IMO, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander is creepy, and I know she has a history that makes it more understandable, but it’s still incredibly disconcerting to witness.

But let’s get back on track! First of all, her students. Whom she physically, emotionally, and mentally abuses. She’s derisive, she’s insulting, she’s belittling. She works hard to strip them of any self confidence they may have. She uses pain as a means of triggering powers. And the strict teacher excuse doesn’t fly. The “it’s only a training method!” excuse is even worse. This is literal abuse she’s heaping on her students and it’s wretched.

The first thing she does to Alina when they first meet is insult her. Then she hits her. Then she kicks her out.

Second time they interact is a montage. Baghra hits Alina multiple times. She shames her. And then when Alina actually calls a light she tells her it’s not nearly enough, effectively wiping the smile off of her face and every sign of self confidence that had been building. Then we see the door to Baghra’s hut shut in Alina’s face. So now she has been bruised, battered, berated, stripped of all self confidence, and then banished again. As training methods go, this is not only entirely ineffective, but it’s also just abusive.

Then we get this interaction between Alina and her friends:

Marie: One time, Baghra released a hive of bees on me. Nadia: Worst part is, it worked. Marie: It really did. I could summon at will after that.

Which is fucking horrifying and not talked about nearly enough. That goes beyond hitting your students. Baghra used a fear tactic on a young girl to activate her powers. She literally tortured Marie to make her powers work.

Alina throughout this conversation is looking very disheartened. She’s lacking in any self confidence and the comment about the bees has clearly affected her. For someone who’s first words to Alina were “Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too,” Baghra doesn’t exactly seem keen on Alina actually believing she’s the one. If she did, she wouldn’t be stripping her of every positive emotion associated with sun summoning.

Let’s not forget that Baghra demeans Alina multiple times for her status as an orphan. How she utilizes what she knows of Alina’s emotional weaknesses to provoke her and discourage her and make her angry.

And then Baghra drugs her without consent. To take advantage of any information Alina gives her in that state. To use the way Alina reacts for her own ends.

Because why else would she say this?:

Alina: We planned to run away together. Baghra: You had plans. Perhaps he never did, because where is he now?

Which is, strangely enough, the same sense of isolation and separation from Mal and her past that Aleksander is attempting to foster. Weird how mother and son are both using the same manipulation tactics.

In fact, why does Baghra never tell Alina about the letters until she’s already engaged with Aleksander? Baghra must have known he was taking them. Alina talks about it enough. Baghra must have known he was isolating her from Mal. How could she not, when it’s revealed later that she has spies in the Little Palace collecting information on him? How could she not, when she knows he’s the villain from the beginning - when she knows he’s manipulating Alina?

Baghra knows, and yet she keeps the same lies Aleksander does and furthermore uses that information to make Alina feel even more isolated and weak. Baghra literally just piggy-backs on Aleksander’s manipulation and then exacerbates it. She wants Alina to feel no attachments to her past because she wants to use Alina as well. But for some reason, because this manipulation and treatment of Alina as some sort of tool is done by the woman who opposes the Darkling, it’s suddenly okay. As if it still isn’t the same terrible shit but with a different perpetrator. I mean damn, at least Aleksander feels something for Alina. Baghra’s just cold.

So, point by point. Baghra mentions how Mal doesn’t care for Alina, she mentions Alina’s failings constantly, she mentions Alina being an orphan, she constantly hits her, she guilts Alina about orphans dying, she works to instill a sense of isolation from her friends and her family.

And when Alina finally comes to Baghra, having decided to abandon her attachments to her past and her attachments to Mal, the words that ring in her head are Baghra's words - “needing anyone else is weak.” Which is honestly just a horrible sentiment in general, but an even worse one when considering how hard these people are working to detach Alina from anybody who can help her or give her an outside perspective.

Strangely, it’s also similar to this line:

The problem with wanting, is that it makes us weak.

...which is spoken by Baghra’s son. You know, the Darkling? Our big bad villain? The one Baghra raised?

Which gives me the impression that Baghra’s teaching methods with her students are really not that far off from the teaching methods she used on him as he was growing up. It’s a horrifying thought, and leads into my problems with her relationship with Aleksander.

First of all, show wise. What the fuck.

Aleksander: They’re punishing us for being Grisha. Baghra: Punishing you. You made him afraid. Now he wants you to fear him. Aleksander: I won a war for him. Baghra: And in doing so, started a war on us.

I get that she’s trying to convey how the king feels here, but it still feels incredibly victim blamey from a narrative standpoint. It isn’t Aleksander’s fault the king fears him when he used his powers under the King’s banner to help him win a war. Aleksander trusted this man who betrayed him and then betrayed his people, and we get a line from his mother, entirely unsympathetic, talking about how it’s his fault all of these people are dying.

Baghra: Where’s the girl, your healer? Aleksander: Dead. She died because of me. Baghra: She died because they always do. They’re not as strong as you and me.

Baghra’s use of the term ‘girl’ and ‘healer' here instead of Luda is pretty telling. She either doesn’t like Luda or doesn’t care for her. Either way, this is the woman her son loves, and Baghra talks about her so dispassionately. Then he comments on Luda’s death and there’s no reaction except to say that they always do.

Like, her son is literally broken up over here. Grieving. Desperate. Run ragged. Caged and hunted. Feeling guilty as hell. Mind running through a million different ways he could possibly save all of these people. And Baghra offers him nothing except a paltry “people die, get over it, we’re better than that, she didn’t matter anyway.”

Honestly, how is Aleksander even still functioning at this point? He has no support system and he’s working against a king and his army to protect a group of civilians he could easily abandon to save himself. The sheer amount of responsibility and mental strain keeping track of a group alone entails is already monstrous, but adding in every other factor? The recent death of Luda, the fact that they’re cornered and they’ve been hunted down while fleeing across the land, the fact that he was just a couple hours ago forced to his knees and entirely at these men’s mercy, begging for Luda’s life. And here his mother is, if anything a negative support system. Offering no other ideas, telling him to give up hope, not even offering the barest smidgeon of emotional support as he grieves, putting everything on his shoulders.

It pisses me the fuck off.

Aleksander: You’re the one who taught me how to kill, mother. Their blood is on your hands as much as mine. Baghra: I taught you so you could protect yourself. Not them.

Once more, Baghra highlights how he needs to protect himself. How he should abandon the people he’s protecting. How he shouldn't help others and only ever himself. Once more, she says it’s my way or the high way. There’s zero effort to work with him. Zero effort to sympathize or compromise. She’s constantly pushing him to take the one option she knows he won’t take. The hell did she think was going to happen?

Also, Baghra taught him how to kill. Not necessarily great parenting, but understandable given the circumstances of his upbringing. But the level to which she takes it is honestly concerning. Like, look no further than this woman to see where Aleksander got it from lol.

Baghra also forbids him from using Merzost. Which is great and all, she gets to claim the moral high ground. But she doesn’t offer a single alternative except to flee and let everybody die. There was legitimately no other option to Merzost except for torture and death. If there was, Baghra sure as hell didn’t help Aleksander come up with one. Aleksander, who - by the way - is in no fit emotional state to be making any kind of decision right now.

So anyways, that’s just my tv show grief regarding Baghra, and it’s not even really all of it. I don’t want to make this an hour long read though lmao. But I’ll go over a few other things.

First of all, Baghra’s whole “We’re the only two that matter. We have to do whatever we can to protect ourselves,” mentality is one that she actively touts to Aleksander on a regular basis when he’s incredibly young. It’s honestly a wonder he grows up to care about other people at all. But the mentality itself is something Aleksander still heavily internalized in regards to protecting himself and those he deems worthy at any cost.

There’s a moment in the books when Aleksander is attacked and nearly drowned by some kids who wanted his bones (one of which was a close friend of his). He uses the cut in self defense and then blames the nearby Otkazat’sya village. Baghra knows he’s lying, and yet she allows an entire village to get slaughtered for harming him. This is a disproportionately violent act that Baghra approves of, and Aleksander as a kid is definitely internalizing that mindset.

Also, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander has always been weirdly possessive and controlling. Especially when it comes to the people he loves. Her actions often come across as her trying to isolate him in order to keep him by her side, even when the relationships he has are clearly intimate. Which... is especially strange for a mother to be doing to her son.

She was also an extremely emotionally neglectful mother. Based on the show and what I gathered from her actions there, I’m actually half convinced she was physically abusive as well, in that “I think I’m being a stern, good parent figure when in reality I’m actually harming my child” kind of way. She fosters codependence with her son and then refuses to provide for any of his emotional needs. She drives it into his head that everybody dies, that he’ll always be alone, that love is useless and power is everything. She denies him the opportunity to be soft and works to harden him at a young age. She tells him he must never allow people to touch him, except she doesn’t work to supplement those physical needs in any way. She essentially abuses him.

Honestly, I could go on. But in reality the simple fact is that I just don’t like her. I think she’s a hypocrite. I think she’s abusive. I think she’s a terrible mentor and an even worse mother. And I think the fandom and the books are willing to brush aside so many of her faults simply because she opposes the Darkling.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you guys were looking for! It sounds like a lot of you wanted a more of a sophisticated breakdown, but my thoughts on Baghra come with a heap of emotional baggage lol. It feels weird to say this now, but I actually do like the character as a character, I just,,, don’t like her in every other aspect. My feelings on Baghra are just a bit personal, to be honest. But hopefully this was at least comprehensible??

#shadow and bone #sab #grishaverse #anti leigh bardugo #anti baghra #baghra critical #sab spoilers #demon in the wood spoilers #aleksander morozova #sab meta #the darkling #fandomcourse #myramblings #leigh bardugo critical #mymetas #anti darklina bs #please dont hate me for this #aaahhhh now im worried #Yikes

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

Note

Btw, I find it interesting how it’s implied that M*lina sleeping together is meant to be seen as a “wedding”night by LB since they’re fading the Darkling the next day.You also have M*l talking about wanting to give her a wedding she deserves which tire into the very patriarchal puritanical views of sex and marriage. There’s also the servants ok Keramzin dissaproving of Alina wearing her hair down because she’s meant to be a married woman now.In contrast Aleksander always talks about them ruling together and being equals and Alina is also afraid that he’ll turn her into a monster(which in Western media for female villains means transgressing the boundaries set by the patriarchal society) and the fact that they’re pretty much the only couple that sleep together when you take into account the way it’s framed is really something.I usually don’t speculate over authors and why they wrote certain things this or that they ay unless I’m doing critical analysis but I feel like LB really has some issues with power especially female one.

(Ruin and Rise Book Spoilers)

See I haven't gotten to that part in the books so I can't comment on it too much but I did see an extract of that scene with M*lina and the thing that I found... worrying I guess would be the word for it was that LB writes Alina as being very insecure about the way she looks right before. This is the extract:

But when he slid the fabric of my blouse from my arms, I stiffened, feeling suddenly, painfully aware of every wrong thing about me. Jutting bones, too-small breasts, skin pale and dry as an onion. Then he cupped my cheek, his thumb tracing my lip. “You are all I’ve ever wanted,” he said. “You are the whole of my heart.”

I can understand that sometimes a person might be insecure for their first time but the fact that she is so worried about her looks is a problem for me especially because it is something that she worries about alot in the books when it comes to M*l and I am sorry but if she feels that insecure then its because M*l hasn’t done enough to prove to her that he does think she is beautiful and wanted by him. Also the line 'you are all I have ever wanted' really irked me because its just a straight up lie. By his own admission he only noticed her when she was taken away from him. When they were in the First Army together he wanted ever other girl but her so that line just didn't seem that genuine to me and more like something someone just says in the moment.

Now compare that scene with darklina's winter fete kiss:

A giddy laugh escaped me as we slipped inside an empty room lit only by the moonlight pouring in through the windows. I barely had time to register that it was the sitting room where I had once been brought to meet the Queen, because as soon as the door closed, he was kissing me and I could think of nothing else. I’d been kissed before, drunken mistakes, awkward fumblings. This was nothing like that. It was sure and powerful and like my whole body had just come awake. I could feel my pounding heart, the press of silk against my skin, the strength of his arms around me, one hand buried deep in my hair, the other at my back, pulling me closer. The moment his lips met mine, the connection between us opened and I felt his power flood through me. I could feel how much he wanted me – but behind that desire, I could feel something else, something that felt like anger.

Here she doesn't have any insecurities about her looks at all she is giddy and happy and seems pretty comfortable. There is a moment where she feels a trill of panic when she feels his hand on her bare thigh but she pulls him closer, so to be honest I think that was your normal first time nerves. With Aleks she feels wanted and desirable and yet despite the difference between these two scenes I am suppose to ship M*lina? Also I'd like to point out that after she feel his anger along with his want and she questions him about it he takes the time to reassure her that he does want her and he is angry that wanting her so much has lead to him not being in the war room organises for the trip to get the stag. He makes it clear that its not her he's angry with.

I have always thought that darklina treat each other more as equals than M*lina does I just will never get behind that ship and to be honest I think sadly a small part of me will always be bitter about the ending Alina got. I do think you are right and that a lot of female characters in the books are denied real positions of power and there's this narrative that if they do seek power then they are bad or greedy or selfish.

#darklina #anti leigh bardugo #answered

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sheikah · 3 years

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did leigh actually used to encourage darklina shippers?

To an extent, yes!!! Using a cut because I have A Lot to say, apparently.

Look, I’m not saying that she walked around claiming they would be endgame or anything lol. And honestly, I saw the writing on the wall reading the trilogy. It was clear to me during book three before I even read the ending that Darklina would not be endgame. I think most Darklinas understand this. I don’t feel “baited.” For most people, the issue is that as a person, like outside of the texts themselves, her public persona and response to Darklina shifted dramatically after R&R was published. The reaction to it from the fandom was... not good. I’m guessing reviews plus actual hate she got in her inbox here on tumblr soured her on that part of the fandom a bit. It’s understandable. Though a part of me also thinks she was so pro-Darkling in interactions with readers during the writing progress to keep Darkling stans reading...

But it’s a fact that she used to be active on that blog, and while the books were still being written and published, she frequently reblogged and complimented Darklina fanon content. She followed the user who at that time (it’s a different person now) had the @/alarkling (other ship name for Darklina) url and reblogged their edits all the time. Extremely shippy graphics that used book quotes and/or song lyrics and stuff. She also reblogged fanmixes of Darklina tracks, Darklina fanart, etc. Also, before R&R was published, she released sneak peeks including the “let me” scene and the moment when Aleksander says, “I will strip away all that you know, all that you love, until you have no shelter but mine.” That’s honestly one of his darkest moments imo and people were (and still are) making shippy romantic edits with it, and she was reblogging them lol. She even posted specifically saying how much she loved that people were using that particular quote. Now she didn’t usually tag these reblogs and stuff so you’d just have to go way back into the past of her blog to see this stuff, but it’s there.

There’s also this tweet where she says “all ships are welcome in this harbor” in answer to someone saying they ship Darklina, and this tagline

that was the original tagline for Shadow and Bone!!! (Which I’m assuming she was aware of and approved).

So I guess most of this only matters because of how different she is now, how she shares fanon content on insta frequently but almost never Darkling or Darklina content. How she’s said some pretty harshly anti stuff in interviews at times. I guess it’s worth knowing she only changed her tune later. But tbh, whether or not she publicly endorses the ship doesn’t really matter?

Because the thing is, Darklina was canon. There doesn’t really need to be a lot of discourse validating the ship or not. It wasn’t endgame, but the Darkling was Alina’s love interest and a pretty big and crucial one who she continued to have canon romance scenes with all the way into book three. It’s wild to me seeing the fandom try to fake news their way out of this sometimes now. I saw a popular screenshot floating around (it was popular because it had show spoilers) where an anti was chatting with a screener trying to get info about the show, and in it the anti was like “Yeah Darklina wasn’t a thing in the books. Alina just hated him.” And tbh... no? Lmao like no that’s just straight up not how it was at all. Just... objectively untrue. Darklina was a romantic, canon--just not endgame--ship. We don’t have to mine the text for clues, we don’t have to write giant meta (though I enjoy doing so lmao), and we don’t need to take our cues from Leigh’s social media presence because the ship is a thing. It’s there. But I get why some people are interested in her take on the ship because it would be validating and pleasant if she could acknowledge Darklinas sometimes. But I think those days are over haha.

#answered

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gwynpool · 3 years

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it’s 2AM and i just finished Rule of Wolves (spoilers definitely up ahead)

first, to inform everyone, i read the spoilers when it got leaked in twitter cuz i can’t help myself. (it’s a sickness, i know) i think this is important since it definitely influenced my perspective upon reading the book. also, this is my first time being early in a party so yay me! going in ROW was easy for me because i started King of Scars the day before book 2’s actual release date so everything’s fresh.

secondly, this is really long so i’m sorry. i just have a lot of feelings and need to write it all down. on with the rant.

King of Scars was wonderful to me since it gave me my favorite Shadow and Bone character and the girl who i used to hate for being a mean girl but who I now admire with every ounce of my being. It also introduced a new ship that I am now obsessed with and is ruling besides my love for Jude&Cardan. Not to mention, it gave us Nina, whom though i’m not entirely a fan of due to all my love focusing on Kaz and Inej, allowed the connection between Shadow&Bone with SixofCrows.

Moving on, ROW was a ride and whirlwind of emotions. unfortunately, it wasn’t always the best kind.

I love the fantasy elements of it (tho it was a huge leap especially with the saints power thingy) and the politics because i am a sucker for scheming and stealing thrones.

the zoyalai teasing and angst was painful but in the best way since slowburn is what keeps me going.

nina finding comfort (and attraction, apparently) from hanne made my heart flutter because i haven’t gotten over matthias but this allowed a sort of closure and next chapter for our waffle-loving queen.

the promised wedding by leigh wasn’t what i expected but i’m not complaining since david&genya deserved nothing but happiness.

almost everything seems going well (aside from the fact that aleksander was ressurected apparently)and then everything crashes and burns and i just have to wonder why?

so the promised funeral alongside the wedding one, immediately comes after two? three? chapters as they were attacked during the afterparty of the wedding. and guess what? leigh killed the fcking groom.

the thing is i already knew he was going to die (with the spoilers and all) but i did not expect it to come immediately after the freaking wedding. not even halfway through the book!

being spoiled, i think, took most of the pain from the event but it doesn’t lessen the fact that it was completely unnecessary??? like though the characters grieved, nothing much was affected from his death? also, don’t talk to me about the character development for the survivors from this tragic event because there. was. absolutely. NONE.

and then we have the fricking darling ressurected. i love him in the first book of the grishaverse though i knew he was still a villain, don’t get me wrong. and my heart ached but was also relieved with his death in the third. he also inspired one of my all-time favorite fantasy villain(antihero?) in the form of Adelina Amouteru in the Young Elites series.

Ceased to be a Darklina fan and am now shipping Aleksander with Adelina because their power tho? like clings to like and they are both imbued with unfathomable darkness. somebody write fics please.

but bringing him back was what for exactly? leigh bardugo preached on how toxic the darkling character was and how we really shouldn’t like him in terms of agreeing with his ideals and yada yada. and yet she brings him back because apparently, he’s the only one paying her bills.

his conversation with alina tho had me expecting some darklina crumbs with fan service on the side since the stans were all raving about it on twitter *vomiting noises from toxicity* but i was surprised since it just further reminded us of how he truly is a villain in his very core and would do anything to get what he wants. so all in all it wasn’t entirely awful and it actually made me like Mal a bit. (never was a fan of him but that’s my issue, not the character’s)

setting aside the darkling issue a bit, the POV from Mayu was skippable. i mean obviously it still needs to be read for the Shu politics and the khergud existence but it just made me want to go to the next pov. Same goes for the “the monk’s” POV since you all know how i feel about him and the cult with it’s assembly and shit ended up also being unnecessary towards the end. honestly, i could do without the journey of the starless saint and his cult.

i truly enjoyed the fjerdan plot to my surprise and i like how nina kind of went through the last of us 2 circle of hate journey. it was definitely difficult knowing her pain and all that she went through and still choosing to be the better person. and yet, i can’t help but be more proud of her development. also, the supposed death of hanne got me going for a second and was actually ready to storm leigh’s home to fix her mistake. thank god it was plot twist. that’s all i have to say on the nina POV because i don’t wanna ruin my good feeling on this.

the crows cameo gave us a mini heist and it just made me miss reading their adventures. also the suli scene tugged at my heart.

imma skip zoya’s transformation but it utterly made me feel amazing and i have never been more glad that she’s kind of overpowered. she deserves it so fck all them haters. you can choke.

nikolai’s revelation and decision for the ravkan throne was not all that surprising, even without my knowledge of the spoilers. i honestly had a feeling that he was always his best self when he was strumhond and he only chose to fulfill the duties of the king because at that time, there was no other choice. so him giving up the throne to his beloved soldier, summoner and saint was a quite satisfying choice of route. there has been some others who would contest nikolai’s decision to step down as something unnecessary in the grand scheme of things but i would stand by my belief that nikolai made the best choice for ravka and for himself. not to say that i didn’t want to see both the queen and king side by side ruling but what are fanfictions for?

zoyalai is canon and endgame. finally. i can die now.

now the last two chapters was a toss up. for the first one was the darkling’s sacrifice. okay, so i was also spoiled by this from twitter but when i was reading the book, i keep expecting it to be brought up and it wasn’t. so i honestly thought that maybe that spoiler was a prank. lo and behold it was not and it wasn’t until the very last end. so the buildup was goddamn awful. the whole concept of the thorn wood and sort of atlas moment was just no. like you’re just springing this up now? when we’re supposed to be tying up loose ends but making sure it had history and buildup to well, back it up.

also leigh outright writing genya saying it was not a redemption for the darkling and him being unapologetic about his crimes (basically being a truly evil asshole) doesn’t remove the fact that it still comes off as a redemption arc especially with what is now the synopsis of SOC 3 but ill get to that. he still was the one who did a heroic deed and that fucks me up because it was just devastating to me after making peace with his end in ruin and rising. not because i was hurt that he died yet again boohoo but because it kind of invalidates everything that alina, genya, zoya and countless other victims went through.

on a side note, the darling stans on twitter who keeps defending his actions, i would really advise you to reflect on your decisions cuz it is honestly unhealthy. also, you lot talking smack about nikolai and zoya refusing to sacrifice their lives? stop twisting the story to suit your toxic admiration, nikolai was even first to offer up his life and would do so if it was actually possible. so just go hide in your darkling cocoon and stop hating on other characters to justify your favored aleksander.

the very last chapter aka coronation was good because it gave us inej ghafa cameo as captain of her ship and bonding with our resident privateer and also genya, alina and zoya bonding. but it was bad because apparently the darkling chronicles is still not over and now we’re supposed to grant him death like that’s going to make everything okay? i know forgiveness and breaking the circle of hate and revenge is a huge theme in this duology but honestly, this is just too extreme. with nina it was understandable and the people she hated were born of twisted mindset and circumstances but the darkling? hahahah no. he is a literal immortal who was delusional so now that he’s paying for his crimes, you want to allow him death because you have nightmares? zoya, goddamit no! same to you genya and alina. and so this will be the plot for the third six of crows? why can’t we just stop making this about him. now he gunna steal kaz’s thunder? over my dead body.

in the end, i gave this book 4 stars in goodreads because if i ignore the darkling plot, it was a really good use of politics and fantasy merging in a storyline. i can’t fault leigh for choosing to do this since it’s still her book so i definitely don’t have a right to dictate what i expected from this. also, i have a half a mind to believe that she fell in love with ben barnes and had him in mind writing this so i really cannot blame her because i have been under that man’s charms since prince caspian came out. the spoilers i read made me more open in reading this (backwards thinking but eh that’s how i roll) so i’m not at all crushed by what transpired. it was just weird and was lackluster in its attempt to give ravka some sort of peace. frankly, i just want to read the third six of crows book to maybe find some sort of calm in all this craziness and also delve in some zoyalai fanfiction because it was a long time coming.

shameless promotion but if you guys want to check out my nikolai duology spotify playlist, here’s the link:

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sir-beingmyself · 3 years

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♟🔮🌙🧩?

Fav seasons, source stuff, non-humans, and sys name

Sys name is Brimstone Trident :D Not really bt system or collective or anything, it’s just, we’re a trident on cool fire xd

I think it’d be easier to tell ya who *isn’t* non-human, because when you’ve never felt like a person it’s hard to identify 😅 The dudes name is Aleksander and fuck-- I think it’s soon his 1 year anniversary of fucking off into the abyss xddd Somewhere jan and feb last year-- fuck it’s been a long time

Or ig we got Lisa? She doesn’t really, do the whole “relating to humans” thing though, and I think she had a virgin mary birth?? I don’t remember her source very well xdd *SO* take that into account how you will

We’ve got cookies, we’ve got demons, horses, robots, vampires, things with humans shapes that inherently identify with their non-human shape, doodles, a whole ass color-- Human people who identify as human people is not something you find here xddd

I should’ve added the seasons thing into the don’t list but i mustve missed it ._.

Cause of those previously mentioned complications I’m gonna just, make a sys wide guess as someone as host has met most ppl xd Being probably fall, lotta spooky boys around here and liking the other seasons would probably be a surprise compared to it

And lastly, source stuff, under keep reading cause this might get long .-.

I’m just letting the ones who want to talk come and talk and I can’t see if there’s a queue xddd

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh ig ill just, label them? xcc -- I’ll try to avoid any dialogue or we’ll be here for decades

Lyce - I have nothing for you other than appreciate my fucking wife. She’s Raven and we’ve been married for years.

Ah shit how many years o.o

Nvm it’s 6 we’ve been married for 6

We don’t have any grand memories it’s just if we’re talking source stuff then we’re technically in each others sources, and she’s the best source memory I’ve ever got

I’m being told I’m being overly positive clearly I haven’t done a good enough job being a wife to her

Retina / Iris (co-written) - O o o o o o o o source!!!! Ok so tldr me and retina are the twins from terraria, but it gets *crazier*

Lowkey just ignore that we’re one of those “human shapes that id w their non-human shape” and just act like we’re robots

Ok so yknow big wall guy? He used to be a mechanical scientist-- pfffffft if i know what he was actually up to all *I* know is that he created pretty much all of us bosses except for a small few-- but the dude did a big oopsie!! a big fucky wucky!! My guess is he tried to combine robot and flesh and something went a bit screwy and now he became the wall!! Which *sucks* but at least Kye kept us safe EoC

Rat - Wanna know a disaster? *Me*

What would you do if you were both 40 and 14, lived both in an irradiated wasteland but also on the moon and *on top of that* had a wife and a child that you both saw die?

Only some of us get source memories, even fewer get weird ones, but not all of us can keep to a single consistent timeline

Which i mean I dont have an issue shits fine i barely think of it, it’d only be a problem if I met my wife or kid again which uh... hm... maybe I shouldnt tempt fate

T3chza - Speaking of single timelines, Rat’s got what, 3? If I don’t have a dozen I’d be shocked.

Fusion of Techno and Phil, with every possible combination under the sun + some additional ones.

Being husbands, being siblings, being father/son, being comrades, being war criminals, being good friends. Mind you, all of these have the added variation of if I’m fused in my memories or if I’m separate.

I’m also one who very easily has my source adjusted to outside stimuli, both the coolest and strangest variation is where I’m turned into a hoglin and phil cares for me, and vice versa where he turns into a crow and techno (clarification I ID more with Techno side than Phil even though they’re both integral to me)

#system stuff #pluralgang #brimstone trident #did osdd #but little did i know #osdd #fictives #ask game #tumblr ask game #introject #cookie run introject #terraria introject #dsmp introject #borderlands introject #overwatch introject #plural

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sanktagenyas · 3 years

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ok so i finally watched those last three episodes. i said buckle up it’s time to suffer and by the saints did i ever suffer. i just knew the darklina scenes were gonna be rough to watch. it was already rough reading the scenes as they were written in book one. i mean the darkling just shines with his intelligence in that chapter, doesn’t he? threaten the man she loves? well the other man she loves? check! tell her she betrayed you when the reality is you’ve been telling half truths all along and didn’t trust her to make her choices? check!

buddy this isn’t how you apologize. in the show itself it’s pretty much the same back and forth that leads nowhere. you lied to me! you ran off because my mother told you i’m not who i say i am without giving me a chance to explain! you’ve been lying or bending the truth since we met! YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON YOUR COUNTRY!

by that point i was just like chill the fuck out man you’re about to decimate many many countrymen and you know it. i loved that the stop they made was all about him getting revenge on the man who attempted on alina’s life, that was very unhinged of him and i was HERE for that shit but everyone else in that port? every other woman and child and man on that port? not all of them played a hand and he just went ahead and had them slaughtered without batting an eye. and it’s not like he has some kind of safeguard for grishas does he? how does he know there’s no grisha wherever he’s expanding the fold? some could be in hiding because they fled, because they didn’t want to serve the king. oh well he doesn’t really care about those people does he? we all saw how he spoke about those deserters to arken.

also he could NOT handle alina’s harsh truths about how his own actions are harming grisha close to him even though he claims that every choice he’s made was to protect them and empower them. when she brought up genya i was like yes you better look down you motherfucker! you did this to her, you delivered to her abuser over and over.

we saw his backstory, some of it and he acted out of grief and rage. he toyed with magic he did not understand and of course he didn’t intend this but his reaction to the fold once it was all said and done was definitely foreshadowing what he was to become. i created something he said defiantly. you created something you don’t have control over. and now he’s done it again somehow, he’s got brand new creatures following him at the end.

i actually felt for young aleksander for losing the woman he loved but the arrogance and the recklessness he showed there is still the same arrogance he has now. he thinks he has thought his plan through but that’s just working off the assumption that no one opposes him ever otherwise he went ahead and put a target on grisha’s backs. he definitely put a target on alina’s back although i know that was never the plan. the fact that when he has a perfectly good remedy to the fold, a chance to actually fix his mistakes once and for all he turns its back and decides to make it ten times worse, chooses ruling via fear over hope is jusr a sign of how far he’s gone. and he didn’t waver once not even when alina was pleading with him that he could have made her his equal, that they could have stayed together and made ravka safe together if only he gave her a choice, he was still manipulative and lied to her face.

at this point i just don’t think his love for her outweighs his belief that he knows what’s best for ravka, what’s the best way to protect grisha. because he doesn’t care about anyone who isn’t grisha at all. he was persecuted like so many others. he won a war for a king centuries and that king turned on him. i’m sure he’s looking at the current one knowing that once grisha have exhausted their uses that king will turn on him too. the fold is just a different kind of war and if he wins that one for the king the darkling already knows what the outcome will be.

so to summarize this whole darkling commentary here i understand where he is coming from, i understand the fear and the rage and the desperation. it’s not working out for him though. he’s feared but he’s alone. for every ivan there’s a zoya. for every man who’s blindly loyal to him there’ll be someone rising up to oppose him eventually. and if it’s not his own people it’ll be non grisha folks. he has the second army working for him still, but he is alone. and that’s no one’s fault but his own because alina was willing to work with him.

speaking of alina i loved every second of her rising up to oppose him telling him she never needed him. she may have fallen in love with him but she never actually needed him to be powerful, she only needed to free herself of the restraints she’d put on her powers out of fear. i also thought that the way she freed herself of his control made more sense than it did in the books.

i have hope for darklina still despite all that’s happened despite how positively full of rage ans resentment she is because she still loves him, she still listened when he pleaded with her that they needed each other if they wanted to deal with the fold. of course there’s the slight issue of him lying directly and manipulating her to do his bidding and of course the fact that he took her power from her. the only thing that was her and he perverted it for his own gain. i think it just might take more than a year for her to forgive him i’m afraid. i don’t necessarily see a path to redemption right now but reconciliation? alina can be merciful, she can be forgiving. i think all it would really take is just one selfless act, one show of good faith. if he keeps pursuing her and mal and keep trying to rob her of her agency however i don’t see them ever having any kind of closure.

i don’t think i need to expand much more on my thoughts on malina. i’m not feeling what the show wants me to feel. i’m not seeing them as these soulmates that belong together. to me they’d be better of as best friends. the darkling didn’t make her strong he tried to steal her strength for his own use but mal doesn’t make her strong either, she relies too much on him. mal actually was pretty damn resourceful when left on his own. i unfortunately couldn’t say the same for alina. co-dependant love is not better than toxic love and darklina’s toxicity (most of it) comes from the lies and from the darkling repeatedly choosing for alina. he’s not brave enough to just tell her what he intends to do and let her decide whether to align herself with him so he lies and he deceives instead. not much he can do to undo it now but he could help actually destroy the fold if he wanted to. i don’t know if he’ll ever come around to it though.

the darkling visiting mal with the sole purpose to rub it in his face that alina and he are immortal and so eventually mal will die and then he could just swoop in was just peak comedy. the way he delivered that line too you’d think he was talking to an insect not another human being. it was brilliant. mal echoing that same line but ending it with “the past will do it for me” was pretty good, nice quip i’ll give mal that but also terribly ironic when you see the ending.

team crows remains the highlight for me. kaz and inej and their unspoken love for each other is just killing me. i can tell there are personal traumas there that i don’t know about (gotta read those damn books and quick) what with kaz not being able to help tend to her wounds and the fact that there were moments were i could see there was maybe a kiss about to happen or an embrace (at the end when kaz let alina go free and made a deal not to rat her out) and it just didn’t happen. there’s a story there about kaz and his distaste for being touched/touching others. jesper is just here to look pretty, shoot shit and be the most charming person in any crowd. i’m in love. also someone give him his goat back for the love of god.

nina and mathias were entertaining for sure. with all that banter and all these jabs i should have really seen them falling for one another coming. i felt like it was perhaps a bit rushed but i guess there’s nothing like almost freezing to death together to make you reconsider your views. you know the whole saving of lives thing can really bond you. the waffle date was adorable. was not expecting nina to just brand herself a traitor for him and she’s damn lucky fyedor came on that mission because i’m pretty sure ivan wouldn’t even have offered to keep her name out of the report. she and mathias ended their story both heartbroken and separated. i really hate that he thinks this was all intentional. really hope she’ll join the crows on their next con job. and i also cannot wait to see the look on heleen’s face when kaz buys inej’s freedom.

i was not at all expecting zoya to turn against the darkling. that’s what happens when you turned down one of your fuck buddies, aleksander they get bitter and then they leave you to be eaten alive by volcras. ok but in all seriousness she did the right thing and i hope she finds her family even if they’re not alive so she can say her goodbyes.

oh and completely unrelated but since i talked about heights of comedy before i really need more sassy! darkling in my life. he is everything. that quip about his speech. the way he said adorable like he was gagging on the word. him just letting david be his dorkiest self and raise his hand before speaking, that little put upon sigh. i love sassy! darkling almost as much as jealous and petty darkling which is saying a lot. just more of that. it humanizes him, i’m tired of villains who are forever stoic and stone face.

i think i about covered everyone and everything that happened in those remaining episodes. all in all shadow and bone is an amazing adaptation, really faithful to the first book. they made some changes to the characters which in turn changed some dynamics (alina actually admitted she wanted to be with the darkling. out loud. to his face. book!alina would never and book!darkling would never cry in front of her.) but it made for surprising viewing. it also made me become even more attached to some characters (the darkling let’s be real) which made me care more which is why i was livid when they started making a lot of terrible no good choices.

i was just really blown away by this show and the way the grishaverse was brought to life and above all major props to the actors who all just seemed to be born to play their respective roles.

#shadow and bone spoilers #sab spoilers #darklina #alina starkov #aleksander morozova #inej ghafa #nina zenik #mathias helvar #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #zoya nazyalensky

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orangegreet · 3 years

Text

No Minor Miracles | Chapter 4

On the Other Side of the Fold

In which we get a glimpse into what Alina has been up to all these years.

Three Years Ago

Alina opened her eyes.

It was well past midnight now. The sounds from downstairs told her people were still up but she couldn’t bring herself to leave the bed.

Who would she be once she stood from it? She could not say for sure anymore.

Ten years without looking upon his face. The jolt of adrenaline at seeing him left her off-kilter.

Had he always been so passionate?

Her breath was quick thinking of it. Of his hands. Of his mouth. His eyes alight with a touch of madness, desperation. Yes, he had always been this passionate.

With her—always.

His passion was never the problem. It only made being away from him harder.

It was the passion he evoked in her that was dangerous.

Alina forever fought an internal battle to contain the Light inside herself. That was what she called it, anyway. Though it was not altogether pure or holy, this Light.

It was easier when she was younger. Before she had seen so much pain and horror. These experiences only built the energy up inside, made it harder to contain. Alina tried to wield her powers in ways that brought justice and healing.

A handful of situations called for her to use her Light to eradicate; deliver annihilation and nothing less. She tried to be frugal with these instances.

More often than not in her adult years she felt she was a poorly constructed lamp. Full of something combustible which thirsted for the flame. A constant state of anticipation kept her limbs jittery and her mind alert for the next opportunity to ignite.

Seeing her Shadow Summoner, speaking candidly with him about what they both wanted—their future together, eternity—made containing the blaze feel dangerously precarious.

She had claimed him as hers and in that singular moment her Light exploded with a possessiveness that frightened her. Every molecule of her would gladly burn anything in the way to getting what she wanted—him.

Now she was here in her bed again, listening to the sounds of people in the boarding house.

Scared to move. Scared to stay. Scared to speak and string together any words. For the words would surely be lies. What could she say to her people? It would be better not to speak at all.

Everything about this was tiring.

Using the tether was not like falling asleep. She was not rested. That was the longest she had ever stretched the connection. The most she had touched Aleksander in years.

But they had not really touched, had they?

Enough soft touches were exchanged between them to know it was real but the lingering feelings of skin on skin were fading quicker than steam.

Does it all happen in her mind? It felt so real.

A moment before she had been experiencing that pleasant soreness between her legs. The feel of Aleksander’s fingers sliding and pressing inside her were so vivid. On this side of their visit it was terribly muted.

Where before she elated in the satisfaction in his presence, she felt now that she had been denied. Orgasm undone.

What witchery was this shit?

Reaching her hand down, she parted the dress uncovering her thighs. He had done just this; she felt the way the fabric slid over her skin.

She did not have his hands now. She did not have his mouth, nor his tongue. She did not have the wild look in his dark eyes. Full of promise of what was to come.

Saints, she really might kill to learn what would come next under his direction.

The wetness smeared between her thighs told her at least that her mind made it as real for her as possible.

With memories of him so recent it was easier to finish than it had been in years.

“Are you feeling okay?” Tamar was staring at her.

Alina pulled her eyes away from her plate.

“Yes. Tired is all.” She untucked the hair from her ear and let it cover her face while she ate.

“Timur said you went to bed early last night.” Tamar kept the accusation out of her tone, but Alina knew a press for information when she heard it.

Behind her hair she tried to calm the rush of blood and heat to her face. Things would have to end with Timur. Soon.

“I wanted to be alone. I did not know there would be an interrogation about it.” Alina looked at her friend.

Tamar held up her hands in surprise.

“Lay down your weapons, Sun Queen. I’m not trying to corner you. Just don’t try to tell me that something isn’t going on after that reaction. Tell me you want me to stay out of it but don’t lie to me about it.”

Alina stared back at her and then nodded, “Fine. You’re not wrong. I don’t want to talk about it and I want you to stay out of it.” Her voice sounded cold, even to her, and Tamar’s face hardened but she acknowledged the request with a nod.

After a moment’s pause Alina continued, “I’m sorry. I’m not myself.” Then, as she remembered more details of the night before added, “I need to ask you to do something.”

Tamar was alert again. “Send word to our envoys in the West. Warn them against staying in camps near the Fold for longer than two nights. They’re drawing attention.” Tamar nodded though covered her confusion at the instructions by looking away.

Alina stood and collected their plates, retreating to the kitchen without word. Lunch was nearly over and the other people dining did not try to get her attention as she passed; her aura gave off a sense of foreboding.

She relieved the young squaller on kitchen duty and began filling the basin with water and soap.

It was mercifully quiet in the empty kitchen save the occasional click of new dishes stacking by the dining window at her back and the thud of a plate sinking to the bottom of the basin underwater.

This was the best time to think—hands busy with their own purpose and a sense of satisfaction at dirty dishes made clean.

Why did it feel like penance?

Should she feel guilt for wanting to see him? For going to him when he called to her?

For staying? For taking her pleasure? Promising herself to him?

It was her right to pledge herself to whomever she wished. She was her own person. She would be her own person long after all these people turned to dust.

The flame inside her flashed in approval.

She was her own person and no one else understood the weight of eternity like she did. Like Aleksander did. Like—

“You do not fool everyone as well as you think.”

Alina straightened her back. Her hands stilled. She did not turn.

“You mistake me. I am not trying to fool anyone.”

Suds ran down her fingers and dripped into the dirty water.

“I feel the shadows stirring inside you, girl.”

Alina took a breath. She turned, head held up with dignity. She would not be cowed or reprimanded.

“Your observations are wasted. It is not your place to monitor me, nor guide me.”

Baghra stamped her cane against the ground and Alina twitched a fraction.

“Yet you take my advice when it is offered, do you not? You are not wholly a fool.”

Of course she was bringing up the very thing which plagued Alina’s conscience for the last month. The thing which Baghra ultimately swayed them on.

“It remains to be seen how that advice will play out. The Council has never been so divided as it was after that meeting. It has yet to recover.”

Baghra scowled and if she would younger might roll her eyes to match the disdain. Alina held her ground, unwilling to pretend it was the simple matter that was being presented.

The transportation portion of their enterprise had been in something of a bind when they lost a ship to a storm at sea. Moving refugees under the noses of several government entities, across three and four countries, was delicate work. One snag in the system and lives would be lost.

They were desperate and in need of a new ship to turn around and collect the refugees who were already on route to the rendezvous point on the Arkesk peninsula.

It was under such duress in their ranks that they allowed a known Grisha slaver to pick up this run at their discretion. The group was to be delivered within three days time and until then, they would all be on edge.

It had been an ugly council meeting, one in which Baghra had issued a persuasive argument.

Use the man. Know his faults but use him just the same. Determine his routes, his suppliers and his commissioners. Use his boat and his crew for the time-being. We will dispose of him when the time is to our advantage. If we are lucky we will take down others in his network after.

They voted to do so in the end. They would use him, posing as wealthy merchants looking to transport indentured servants to Kerch the long way around. It was either that or they would have to forfeit some twenty Grisha lives who lingered a little too close to the Fjerdan border.

Baghra continued, waving her cane at Alina, “You know that I know what is best. For us, for Grisha. Even if it is not the bowl of sunshine you wish for. That slaver may be a beast of a man but he has been a beneficial resource for us when we needed it.”

Alina’s temper flared.

“Your advice comes with caveats and darkness all the same. He is a beast. One I will have to put down soon along with his crew. I would not boast about having a hand in it, if I were you.”

He would be put down. In the next week based on the impending timeline.

“You do not like the things I say but you need to hear them anyway. I have some years on you yet, girl.”

Baghra was getting haughty and it drew another sneer out of Alina.

“You overestimate your usefulness. You are here to serve, not to dominate nor direct.”

Baghra pointed a gnarled finger at her, “No, I am here to stop you making as big a blunder as my son—“

“You are here at my invitation alone. I did not request your presence nor your guidance.”

Baghra’s face twisted into a scowl.

“Just as haughty and prideful as he is. Don’t forget who told you the truth of him, girl. He would have played you for a fool were it not for me.”

Keeping the fury off her face was a struggle as her hands glowed and heated like white hot irons.

How many times had she heard this?

It was demeaning. An impudence on her very character. On Aleksander's too. Neither woman could be sure what would have happened because there was no option for it to play out.

“I have not forgotten anything about that time, Baghra. If you believe the worst of your son, that is your choice. I have the same facts as you and I will interpret them as I see fit.”

The old woman stamped her cane again, her face showing an increasing desperation.

“Listen to me, Sun Summoner—“

“No. You listen to me now.”

The authority echoed around the small kitchen as the fury of her Light poured out of her pressed against every surface.

Heat emanated from the pores of her body and the golden hue of her eyes flashed with her power.

When she spoke it was quiet but no less effective.

“You are here at my allowance. It was you who requested we transport your Grisha soldiers out of the army and into safety. It was you who decided to stay and lend guidance to those who wanted to help. But it was at my word—“ she paused for a breath, staring the woman directly in the eyes, “that we granted you room and board and station among us.

“This operation was running long before your arrival and it will continue to run in the event that either of us leave or perish. That is the mark of the strength of it’s foundation. Do not attempt to control me or assert your years. I do not need them and neither are they vital to the continued success of this mission.”

Baghra’s face was still twisted into a scowl but she banged her cane once more against the floor and left in a huff.

Alina closed her eyes and inhaled deep. Her light withdrew and the kitchen was quiet and cozy once more.

She turned back to her task and continued to wash, eyes drifting up to the window overlooking the savannah around them. It was a beautiful day in Novyi Zem.

Banishing Timur from her bedroom was more difficult than she thought it would be. He did not want to go.

The Heartrender stroked her skin and spoke in soft tones and attempted to convince her things could remain casual.

These days all she felt was the itch of the tether inside her. Pulling taut, falling slack. As if one or both of them would pick it up and then let it go over and over. It was consuming. It was invigorating.

Alina blinked and pulled her wrist away from Timur again.

“You will make your next partner very happy and quite satisfied,” he smirked at her words and she pressed against his shoulder to keep him from leaning close again.

“I am leaving soon. I cannot say for certain how long I will be gone but you are to remain here and coordinate transports.” She said.

“I could go with you, look out for you.”

Alina strived to keep the annoyance off her features. As if she had need of him to keep herself alive.

“You are needed here with those who are far more vulnerable.”

Her tone sealed it. She no longer looked sentimental or even charmed by him. Timur furrowed his brow and pulled away.

“Very well, I will make you proud.” He bowed to her and her body ached to cringe at the gesture but she held still. A gracious nod was returned to him before he left her room.

Alina relieved the building tension in her body that evening. Her confrontation with Baghra, her tiff with Tamar and her dismissal of Timur had exhausted her for the week. More reminders of the reality of the mortal life span. Sometimes it did all feel petty. Small scale.

She longed for the comfort and longevity of Aleksander.

The newest round of refugees were safely delivered and ‘paid for’ the night before. Now it was time to cut ties with the slavers and get their money back.

A moment of combustion was upon her and she left the safety of the boarding house to channel the fury.

The light bent around her body as she crept onto the slaver’s boat. He kept a skeleton crew—just down to four or five men now.

When she entered the crew’s quarters, none of the men stirred. If any had been awake in that moment, they would have seen an Angel of Death.

They could have watched as she cast her eyes up toward the sky as if in supplication. They could have seen how she returned from that moment with light gathered in her palms. Could have gaped in awe as she squeezed the energy into twisting solar charges.

The charges hung in the air over the body of each man, writhing and coiling with barely controlled vitality. Two of the men at least did open their eyes at the sudden brightness. The bolts of sunbeam struck each crewman in the heart. One moment of awe, the next moment compressed by death.

The Captain’s quarters were locked. Nothing a flash of steel-melting sunlight couldn’t handle.

“Who’s there?” He sat up in his bed, a revolver pulled from under his pillow.

Alina was invisible again. She came to stand behind him, her light burned the hand with the revolver and it fell to the floor. Capitalizing on his distraction, she trapped his wrists and secured them with rope.

He yelled and thrashed but she remained invisible to him. No one could hear him scream anyway. He did not yet know that.

She bound his feet to the bed and his wrists to the low ceiling so he sat half up in his bed.

When she revealed herself, his face bore confusion and betrayal.

“You crazy bitch! I did your run and you got what you paid for!”

“Your use has run its course. Your men received a merciful death. It was quick and silent. You will not be so fortunate.” She said. Her voice was hoarse but she continued, reaching up to tighten the holds in his wrists.

He began to thrash again and paused only when her hand began to glow.

She pressed the fiery palm to his mouth and his muffled scream vibrated in his throat.

Alina held her hand to his face until the fat melted under her touch and the skin curdled like dry parchment over a flame.

When she pulled her hand back, she admired the outline of it burned across his disfigured face. He tried to move his mouth but screaming had become too painful for him. His visage was melted into a permanent grimace.

“The Sun’s Palm over your face silences your cries just as you silenced the cries of the Grisha you captured and sold. Just as you branded them for captivity, so you are branded for judgement.”

Tears streamed from his eyes as he watched her tower over him.

“The ropes at your hands and the ropes at your feet represent the binds of slavery which you have sentenced upon thousands of Grisha in your lifetime.”

Alina raised a blade above his heart and looked into his face.

“When I carve out your heart, it will be a humble sacrifice to the Saints. A meager offering of penance for the thousands of hearts you have carved from the chests of the Grisha who trusted you. Those who believed you would deliver them to safety, to refuge, to freedom.”

She glowed. A subtle, quiet glow that covered her skin and caused his eyes to grow wide as they continued to water.

“And perhaps the Saints will have mercy on you. I cannot.”

As her hands pushed the blade through the hardy barrier of his sternum, she tried not to luxuriate in the satisfaction.

As she left the ship rocking quietly in the harbor, she bent the light around herself again and retreated back to the boarding house. The bodies were disposed of and it was safe to send in the clean up team to retrieve the valuables on board and begin preparing the ship for a new name and new heading.

No one would ask after the slaver or his crew. No one admitted they existed. A grim reality which was to their advantage now.

As she walked the dirt paths back home she thought of the face of the slaver. Recalled the moment the light left his eyes. Pabel would be dismayed to see her. His little Sun should not find pleasure in murder.

It was not pleasure, she would argue. It was justice.

It was a small taste of satisfaction in the name of justice. For Grisha. For her parents. For herself.

He would fret over his memories of a General he knew. One who murdered frequently.

Alina pondered this herself but for a different reason.

When the Darkling exacted his vengeance, it was cold and expressionless. He executed with pens and ink and moving pieces on a map. She admired that about him.

For all she tried to distance herself, her vengeance was too personal. It was alive. She breathed and it moved and when she set on the path of destruction she could hardly contain the intensity of her Light from clawing out of her being to burn everything along the way. It frightened her.

For the rest of the evening she battled with her own will. Always after battle—murder, she found that though she quelled the combustible thing inside for a while, the urge to seek out carnal pleasure was nearly insatiable.

This is why she sent Timur away from herself. She could not continue to exercise this out with him. He wanted too much. Took her thirst for pleasure as something to do with him. Alina could not allow him to see that side of her any longer. It did not belong to him.

The need to seek out Aleksander, to relish in the glory of her bloodlust, was strong. Though she knew if she did reach out to him, if they came together through tether or by the mercy of the Saints, she would not be able to stop herself.

She would sit herself astride him and she would ride her body against his own. Together they would revel in the righteous justice she wrought and in the cosmic pleasure that belonged to them alone and she would not let him stop until she passed out.

If she started she would not stop.

Alina cursed the strength of her will all night.

It was deep in the hold of a merchant ship that she felt him call. A real and distinct pull from within her. She gave her excuses to Tamar and retreated to her bunk. She tucked herself in the corner of her bed and let herself fall out of space and time and consciousness and into him.

He was sleeping.

The black silk fabric of his sheets slithered between his legs and his torso was covered in a cold sweat. Alina crouched by the bed, unwilling to wake him.

Her eyes devoured every detail of his beautiful face. He would not be happy to wake and find her here, she was sure. Their game of chess was predicated on having the upper hand and to be invited into his presence at the height of his vulnerability would crush him.

The burn of her own victory was pleasant though. She tried not to laugh out loud.

She watched his face in repose for hours just thinking of a time when she would not have to hide this desire from him. From anyone.

Alina left before sunrise.

The next time he called she was already in bed and alone. She went to him immediately.

He was asleep again.

Well. This was too irresistible. She climbed in next to him and gently brushed her fingers through the strands of his dark hair. His face relaxed and she smiled.

She was not sure how long she stayed, only that she woke up in her own bed to see dawn over Kerch.

The third time it happened she was not so pleased anymore.

The success she was feeling initially on her mission in Kerch was waning. Finding a sponsor for herself among the upper class was proving to be difficult.

If she continued to meet dead ends, she would need to follow up with their contact in West Ravka. Though Alina found that option to be the most promising for the sake of strategy, she was not ready to return to her home country.

When she felt the tug she went eagerly.

All she wanted was to see his eyes. Open for a change. She wanted to see him seeing her again.

And yet he was asleep.

His rest looked fitful. He tossed in the bed as she watched him and though she wanted to see his eyes and to hear his voice, something inside her told her that he would not be kind tonight.

Perhaps it was the feelings he felt inside himself that she was sensing. Guilt and anger and torment. Crippling aches of sadness.

It hurt to be so close. The little glass dome within herself was brittle. To be hurt by him could break it permanently and she might lose control over what would come pouring out in response.

She did not have the strength to endure it tonight.

Alina allowed herself a gentle stroke to his ear, only enough to trace the curve of it and to rub the lobe between her fingers where his skin was soft.

He stirred.

She left.

West Ravka was nothing like she remembered. Admittedly, the ballroom before her was nothing she could have come close to seeing in her youth. Much less as she was now: an honored guest.

Alina sipped her wine and turned on the spot, her eyes caught on the gilded dome above the sea of people.

“Anya.” Alina turned.

“Xenia,” Alina said, sighing a bright smile and reciprocated kisses to her cheek. “I was just coming to find you. They will be seating us soon.”

The blonde tresses of her friend brushed against Alina’s face and Xenia whispered in her ear, “This is the man I spoke of to you.”

Xenia pulled away as a man in formal army attire approached, a bashful smile on his face. “Commander,” Xenia was beautiful when she smiled and the man did not take his eyes from her face, “this is my dear friend, Anya.”

Alina extended a hand, “A pleasure, sir. Xenia has nothing but glowing things to say about you.”

The man blushed further, “Xenia is exceedingly kind. I understand her family have been hosting you the last couple months now you’ve graduated university. Tell me, how are you enjoying West Ravka, Anya?”

Alina pulled a simpering look, “The society is everything I have been missing and more. When Xenia and her family agreed to take me in as their ward, I was deeply honored. To gain such a lovely sister as a result was beyond my wildest daydreams.”

Xenia kissed her on the cheek again and the Commander looked on fondly.

Alina ran her fingers over the gold necklace Xenia had placed around her neck that evening.

If you will represent our house, Anya, you will do so as a most treasured ornament. Xenia had said as Alina sat at her vanity.

Alina had laughed, feeling sincerely endeared to her host and lamenting the secrecy which kept them unequal. Xenia dear, we all know you are the true ornament of any gathering. I am happy to be bystander to your beauty.

Beauty I have in spades, I suppose. However, it is companionship I wish for most. I have never had many true friends before. Xenia said honestly.

Alina stared back, speculation on her face and a little pity as well. I appreciate the hospitality your family has extended to me, Xenia. Similarly, I hope you know I think of you as more than a means to an end. You may trust me.

Xenia looked taken aback at the bluntness of the statement and then quite pleased. Very well, I shall confide in you. I do have someone special whom I would like more time with but without the presence of a chaperone, I am doomed to see him only in passing for the rest of the season.

Leave it to me. Alina had told her.

Over dinner, Alina continued to facilitate conversation between the couple before her. The Commander and the blonde woman who was a real jewel of Ravkan society this season.

They were beautiful together and Alina felt twinges of absence missing her own beautiful person.

The tether had been pulled taut for a weeks but there was no true tug and she could not leave in this moment in any case.

“Anya has completed her studies in public services, education and accounting.” Xenia said, looking at Alina. She blushed in response, taking a demure stance to keep from needing to elaborate.

“Saints alive!” the Commander said watching her now with interest and puzzlement. “What is it you intend to do for Ravka with such a background?”

“Reformation to orphanages mostly, Commander. With the Fold and the War, many of Ravka’s children are left without parents, education or even proper nourishment. As a woman, I believe there is good work to be done on the home front while our brave soldiers continue to guard and protect our freedoms.” Alina said.

She added a blush to her cheeks for effect. “I had hoped to meet the First Army General tonight. It’s foolish, I know. He’s a terribly busy man, after all. I simply hoped to discuss ideas with him where our pursuits might overlap.” She carefully brushed around her mouth with her napkin, eyes lowered in deference to the Commander.

“You don’t say?” The Commander looked at her like he wished to laugh but it was lost to him. Alina was not so pleased at the calculating look she found on his face now. She much preferred his ambivalence to this development but there was no turning back now.

The comrade in uniform seated next to him gave him an elbow to the chest and added, “Sankta Anya, is it? What a treasure you are, lovely. I’m sure the General would love to make time for you.” The man’s speech slurred and the Commander looked at him with wary eyes before deciding to abandon the discussion as a whole.

Alina seized the chance to turn the conversation back onto Xenia.

Late that night, long after dinner was finished and Alina had made acquaintances with several more diplomats and senior military, she took the carriage home. Xenia slept against her shoulder and the women held hands loosely in her lap.

The evening was a success. The Commander would be joining them for dinner in a fortnight and even if she could not get an audience with the General himself, she had time to plan at least. A Commander was nothing to scoff at in the scheme of things.

Alina let her head rest against the window.

Loneliness had stolen over her strongly throughout the evening.

It was difficult to tell if it was her own.

Frankly, hiding under the cover of a fake name with false pretenses would have that effect on anyone. And yet her thoughts strayed to Aleksander and the loneliness—and longing—intensified.

She retreated to her bedroom and stripped herself of her overlaying dress. Just as she began to take down her hair, the tether inside gave an almighty tug and she could not help herself for how quickly she followed.

He did not see her immediately. She took advantage of his distracted state to watch him. Her Aleksander was finally awake. The Light inside herself brightened and expanded.

His attention was fixed on letters in his hands and she lingered on the planes of his chest on display through the gap in the fur he wore.

Alina’s eyes lifted to his face again. Something in his expression quieted her.

“Hello Aleksander.”

When he finally looked at her, she sighed at the sight of his eyes again. Too long. It had been too long.

Something had shifted inside him. At first she only knew that something had but by the time he was yelling an accusation that she was there to spy on him, a realization set in.

That mask of indifference which was once fixed on his face was at last broken.

She honored the transformation by taking him to his bed and cradling his head in her lap.

There she held his face with utter reverence and when he responded by pulling her around him, she went happily as his shield.

There was no one in the world except they two right now. She needed him. Her Light danced.

When he asked her once again to tell him details of her life she felt her control cracking.

How could she tell him now, while he appeared to be on some mental precipice no less, that her entire life was smuggling Grisha out of several countries, East Ravka included. That she helped them dodge the draft, helped them escape—far outside of his purview. An operation which was founded primarily with the help of deserters from his Second Army.

Alina could not betray her people that way.

Alina could not reveal her own treachery to him. Not when they were so fragile. The shame she felt at feeling more sympathetic to him than to her own mission and people was not lost on her.

She should have known Aleksander would not let go once he latched his jaw to something raw. In an attempt to dismiss the conversation, she only invited him deeper.

“You should also know on this side of the Fold, there are those you have harmed who would seek retaliation on you. I do not know that I can stop them.”

“Those I have harmed? Who exactly do you mean?”

She shrugged a shoulder, wanting him to drop it and move back into less dangerous territory. “Does it matter? I do not think you notice or think of it as harm. You do things as a General in war and those actions hurt people. People who are dear to me.”

“Tell me which people are dear to you and I will see that it is stopped.”

“Do not mock me.”

“Perhaps you could draft a list? First and last names please, followed by their exact locations and their specific relationship to you.”

The heat of her light was intensifying inside her, roiling just thinking of the stories she knew about this General.

First hand accounts of his ruthlessness reaching back decades before her even. She had heard so many over the years.

The first she knew of the General at all were stories from Pabel. Pabel who raised her, who loved her, who warned her.

Pabel who once stood by the General where Ivan stands now.

Aleksander did not even stir in recognition of the name. Pabel was not an uncommon name—it was silly to think he should even have a recollection of the man. He may well remember him but only as a soldier he thought long dead.

The idea that he could have forgotten about Pabel at all made her upset.

Perhaps it was her own guilt but she was angry with him now. Angry at the way his actions would continue to keep them apart.

“You know, for as long as I have desired you and wanted to keep you for myself, you have made it very difficult for me to be able to do so in good conscious. It seems that you do nothing but set up more obstacles for us.”

He tried to appeal to her, “Surely you can meet me halfway on this, Alina. Tell me how to make things right for us right now and I will do everything in my power to see it through. You cannot leave me in the dark forever.”

The frustration was mounting in them both. The negotiation went on. Alina tried in vain to give him a glimpse into the way things had to change—show him how she had changed.

She felt that she was doing her part for them already, why could he not see that? Why did he make things worse on his end?

The Light was licking up her insides and she was almost vibrating to contain it. She would use anything to make him understand.

Alina considered telling him about the slavers from just a few months before. If he could see her in her darkness, would he believe then that she did not see herself above him?

Would he understand that to keep her in true balance was a more convoluted task than her Light and his Dark? It was not so clean anymore.

The conversation was out of her hands. It was moving too quickly. He brought up the past. His plans for her hoping that she would—what? Feel guilty for screwing him out of his plans to dominate her? To control her? He was a fool.

She did not expect the Cut.

Whatever was said, whatever state he was in, she did not expect this.

Alina tackled him to the bed. “The Cut? Saints, Sasha. What were you going to do if that actually killed me?”

“We both know it wouldn’t have. Best case, it would have severed our connection and I could get some bloody peace for once. I could finally think.”

He hid his eyes from her again. The fire inside her was at capacity, she had seconds of composure left. Seconds before she burst, before she tried to strike him with lightning for hurting her. Why did it always have to end this way for them?

Life-threats made, old wounds recut and one or both of them begging the other for some sort of mercy.

Underneath the tempest and brewing storm, she found a core of shadow. The fire raged inside her but at it’s center was a cooling black vapor. Alina burrowed in. The vibrating stopped. The roaring in her ears and the agony of desire which was present just a moment ago slowed like cooling lava.

“You’re right.”

Pulling herself off, she held her knees to her chest on the bed beside him.

“It is selfish to keep coming back here when I know I am not ready.”

The way Aleksander was looking at her made her feel like that small girl from years ago. The one who got her hopes too high for him. The girl who managed to forget all the pain that came before her. The girl who fell in love with him in the first place, even when everyone in her life had warned her away.

When she first arrived at the Little Palace, all confidence and determination, she was hoping to get the drop on him. She was pleased that she did.

Aleksander hadn’t heard rumors even of the existence of a Sun Summoner. Much less one who was fully grown and undeniably powerful. It filled her with mirth to see his confusion and awe openly on display.

At the time it was easy to think she was ready to face him. He was nothing more than a boogeyman. An idea of a person molded in her mind by his former foot soldiers, his critics, his victims.

It was exhausting to hold all these accounts in her head and not have one of her own to compare. She begged Pabel to allow her to meet him but he refused. He said he worried too much about what would become of her once The General knew she had arrived in the world.

Once Pabel died she could endure only a couple years of mourning. Once her heartache subsided, the vibrating need to act had returned and she could not delay meeting the Shadow Summoner any longer. They were the only two of their kind in this generation of Grisha.

And Pabel had left her alone in the world.

More than that, his very being seemed to call to her.

Across land and sea and amplified by the Fold, he called. When she was finally close, she found peace. And then she already loved him. It did not take long.

And yet all the people she knew and loved—all the people who had ever loved her—identified this one man as the enemy.

It was humiliating how quickly and easily she fell in love with him despite this fact. Alina was thankful Pabel was not alive to ask her about him. She never was able to lie well to her adoptive father.

How could she explain to anyone that being with Aleksander made her feel like she existed outside of time itself, protected from its costs. She was seen by him there. Stripped down and bared in her entirety, unguarded; only for him.

It was that vulnerability that broke her. Aleksander would break her further if she stayed. When she left, she collected herself. Rebuilt stronger and more durable. They would come back around again. He would come back around.

It was painful to sit on his bed now. It was painful to look into his empty eyes. It was painful to love someone, to reach for them with every molecule of power inside herself and to know that it was not enough.

Not for now, anyway.

“We should go back to how things were before. It’s cleaner.”

He didn’t disagree. He didn’t say anything.

When she opened her eyes, she was still in her bed in West Ravka. The fire was crackling and there was a warming pan between the sheets. Tamar must have come by because a note was left unopened on the nightstand.

Alina rolled away from it. Her body curled into itself.

The loneliness that hung around her like a fog these last months finally swallowed her up. It coated every inch of skin and left her chilled.

Alina cried until the salt burned and dried in her lashes and her throat ached for rest.

The next day she moved and spoke as if nothing of significance had happened. Xenia tittered about the Commander and Alina played her part recounting the details of every exchange. They prepared for the impending dinner and Alina converged with Tamar through letters to determine their next moves.

Her Light had gone quiet for now. She rested in the safety of the shadow beneath it. Not tempted by emotion or driven one direction or another. For once she allowed herself to rest from the erratic nature of her power.

It would be there in a week when she opened herself up to it again.

Aleksander would be there too, eventually. That was the one thought which penetrated the shadow in her core. Aleksander would be there when this was all over. They were Inevitable.

This was the one comfort she could allow herself. A single flame in the center of dense black.

#darklina fic #darklina #darklina fanfic #alina x aleksander #aleksander morozova #alina starkov #smut #angst #power dynamics #grishaverse #the grisha trilogy

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cami-chats · 3 years

Text

Tailor Your Wishes

Fandom: Shadow and Bone (TV)

Pairing: Alina Starkov/Genya Safin

Warnings: None

On AO3

Genya showed up in Alina's room, just like she did every morning.

What Alina used to find invasive and controlling, she was now thankful for. Not because of the work Genya did on her, making her scars vanish and all around making her appear more attractive-- because she couldn't care less about that, to be honest. No, she was thankful because after all her time here, Genya was her closest friend. Genya tailoring her was part of her job, yes, but it allowed them guaranteed time together; she didn’t think of this as any different than talking over breakfast.

With no word from Mal, it was nice to know that she had someone around that liked her. It was probably a classist thought and half the reason nobody liked grisha, but she felt like she could connect with Genya in a way she wouldn't be able to with a normal person, anymore. (Mal, as her oldest and greatest friend, was of course an exception, but sometimes, with no word from him and not having seen him since she found out about her power, she wondered if their friendship would be the same, or if that too would change.) Point is, Genya was definitely the best friend she had here, and Alina felt like she didn't know much about her. Her job, around court, was to see to the queen's appearance, but that wasn't something that took up all of her time every day. While Alina was training, Genya was surely doing something, but she had no idea what.

Genya was doing her usual touch-up, and Alina asked, "What do you do? When you aren't with me or the queen, I mean."

"Same as everyone else. Train, eat, sleep."

"I've never seen you at training."

Genya's lip quirked up in one corner. "I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I am above your level."

"Oh. Duh," Alina said with a laugh. She straightened her expression so it was easier for Genya to work, and it was only when she packed up her little case that Alina spoke again. "What would you do if you weren't here? I would go back to being a cartographer."

"You could go back to your normal life, if you wished. Suppress your powers and pretend that nothing has happened. I have no past to get back to. I've never known a life where I wasn't a grisha."

"What would you do if you could leave here, then?"

"I wouldn't care to guess," Genya said, but Alina could tell it was a lie.

"It's just me. I won't tell."

Genya swallowed, her hands resting atop her case. "A sculptor."

"Why don't you do it now? Surely you could get your hands on the supplies you need," Alina said.

"I don't have the time or the space. My appearance around the castle is almost as important to the queen as what I do for her. I'm not allowed to hide away in a room for hours at a time."

Alina couldn't say she understood. She had a few appearances and her training, but the rest of her time wasn't so strictly regimented. She'd known that her situation was different from all the other grisha, but she hadn't realized how different.

"Aleksander," Alina said with a wide smile.

There was a slight furrow between his brows because while they'd been getting closer, she wasn't that happy to see him. "Alina," he returned.

"I was wondering if I could ask you something. About Genya."

"Of course."

"You gifted her to the queen, right?"

He quirked a smile. "That is the party line."

Alina blinked. Party line? Then what was the truth?

"We answer to our monarchs, just like everyone else does. The queen knew we had a tailor in the Little Palace. We either gave her Genya's services to garner a little goodwill, or we waited for it to become a demand. The end result would've been the same for her."

"I see." She hadn't really been around other grisha and the court for long enough to understand the politics of it all.

"You're worried about her," he stated, and Alina nodded. "She won't be working for them for the rest of her life. Things will change for all grisha, soon. You'll see."

He meant her. The two of them, the Fold, her powers. She didn't understand all the plans he had in his head, but she believed him.

Genya was her best friend. Alina just thought that she might... think of her as something other than that as well. She thought of Genya in the morning and before she went to sleep and after training when she shook off the exhaustion and disappointment on her way to eat. Thinking about Genya made her feel better. It made her want.

Alina sighed. She wasn't overly used to wanting things, but ever since she found out she was a grisha, she wanted a dozen different things that she couldn't have. She wanted to not get hit by Baghra; she wanted to be able to leave the palace freely; she wanted to hold Genya's hand and kiss her. All these problems were easier than the issues she used to have-- such as not knowing if she was going to be able to eat or not-- but that didn't mean she had to like it.

"If you could wish for one thing," Alina said as her and Genya walked side by side to her rooms, "what would it be?"

"Only one thing?"

"Sure."

"Is there a reason you have all these impossible hypotheticals?" Genya asked, but she looked amused, not annoyed.

"Just curious. So?"

"You first. Tell me, Alina Starkova, modern Saint and sun summoner, what would you wish for?"

If Genya had asked that when she first got here, she would've said freedom. She still dreamed, sometimes, about leaving her and being a simple map-maker again, but the longer she was here, the less it made sense. Her powers were part of her. She wasn't going to try and leave them behind. So what would she wish for, when going back to her old life was no longer what she wanted? "For the Little Palace to be completely separate from the king and queen," she said, keeping her voice low so it didn't carry. "So that none of us have to answer for them, performing little tricks to keep them happy."

Genya looked at her, surprised.

"We could just... be."

"It sounds like you've accepted that you're a grisha."

"Took me long enough," Alina said with a grin. "Your turn. What would you wish for?"

Genya looked away, towards the hall in front of them instead of at Alina. "I don't know," she lied. "There's so many things I would change if I could."

"Pick one. Or better yet, tell me all of them." Alina opened her door and invited Genya inside with a wave of her hand.

Genya did, closing the door behind her and leaning against it. Her expression was thoughtful, and her eyes looked like her mind was in another country. "I suppose... if I had to choose one thing, it would be to choose my partner. Unless General Kirigan gets his grisha revolution done soon, the queen gets to choose who I marry. I'll be all but sold off to whoever she wants, and I'm sure you've noticed that she doesn't have everyone else's best interests at heart. So if I could wish for one thing, that's what it would be."

Alina hadn't known that part of Genya's fate. She was starting to accept that she truly didn't know anything about how normal grisha lived. Aleksander treated her as uniquely special, and that was what she'd gotten used to; in the beginning, she'd thought that all grisha were treated that way, and she still didn't know all of the differences. For Genya's sake alone, Alina hoped that they managed to get the revolution that Kirigan was working towards. "I would wish that for you too."

Genya looked over her, then smiled softly. "I'll see you in the morning."

"You can stay for a bit longer. If you want."

She hesitated.

"Truly, I would enjoy your company."

"I suppose a few minutes wouldn't hurt."

Alina grinned.

It took her a while to get to sleep that night. She kept turning over Genya's answer in her mind. She thought of the smile Genya gave her afterwards, and then the time they'd spent talking and giggling for nearly an hour. It had been like a dream come true. She'd wanted to brush her hair away from her face and kiss her so many times in that hour that she'd lost count.

For a moment, Alina thought that Kirigan was going to kiss her. Then he leaned back and a soft smile came across his face; she never would've thought that he could be soft, but in this moment, he was. It made it all the more confusing that he hadn't kissed her, because that's definitely where it had been heading. She may not have kissed very many people, but she wasn't stupid; she could read the signs. "It's Genya, isn't it," he said.

"What's Genya?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Who you're in love with. It used to be that First Army friend of yours, but now it's her."

"I-" she started to deny it, but what would be the point? It's not like Aleksander was going to judge her for it. For him to have guessed it so easily, she must have been obvious about it. "Don't tell her."

"Do you think she and I gossip?" he asked, both looking and sounding amused.

"I don't know," Alina said honestly. "But I know that she doesn't feel that way about me, and I'm not going to make her question our friendship when it means everything to me."

Now he looked like he was about to start laughing. "Usually, I do not meddle in any of my people's relationships, but might I make a suggestion?"

"Sure," she said, because what else could she say?

"You should tell her. Genya is a grown, mature woman. She's rejected dozens of offers, some of which were made by people she is still on good terms with. I think you have nothing to worry about."

"Does that mean if it goes wrong I can blame you?"

"Blame me for everything, if it'll make you feel better," Aleksander said.

"I will."

Genya was there in the morning, as usual. She ran a critical, detached eye over Alina's face to see if the changes were still holding. They were, so she stepped back and buckled her case closed.

"Can I talk to you about something?" Alina asked before she could pick it up and leave.

"Of course," she said, turning back to face her. "If it's about your upcoming performance, you don't need to worry. You're more than ready."

"It's not, but thanks. I was actually uh, wondering if you had plans for dinner tonight. I thought we could eat together, alone. Just the two of us."

"Oh," Genya said, blinking at her in surprise. It wasn't often that Genya looked surprised, but she'd clearly been taken off guard with that. She knew what Alina meant by the invitation, and with their eyes locked on each other, it was like the rest of the world had ceased to exist but for this room. For a heart-stopping moment, Alina worried that she would say no. It was, of course, well within her right to refuse, but the possibility of rejection had Alina nervous beyond reason. "Yes, that sounds quite nice," she said, a light blush staining her cheeks.

Alina started to smile, happiness filling her as it creeped across her face. "Great. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything. You'll be able to relax and- enjoy yourself. I'll see you tonight," Alina said, then wanted to slap herself. "I mean, that's if I don't see you at lunch, like I normally do. I don't know why today would be any different, but you never know when a tailoring emergency will occur." Alina pressed her lips together so she wouldn't keep going.

"Well, whether or not we see each other at lunch or at any other point during the day, I will still look forward to tonight," Genya said, and it made Alina feel better that Genya was flustered by this too.

#fanfic #shadow and bone #my writing

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greensaplinggrace · 3 years

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What I Would Change About the Ruin and Rising Ending

So this is separate from what I actually think would have been best for the story, in that Aleksander is the third amplifier and Alina is a tracker. Baghra never has her ridiculous plot twist info dump and Alina is actually allowed more agency and the ability to take initiative and the Darkling is actually written consistently from the start.

Here’s what I think should have happened in the ending if all the events leading up to it were the exact same:

Alina kills Mal and with the power of the three amplifiers kills the Darkling. As punishment for using all three amplifiers, she and the Darkling both lose the power of Merzost. This power is then used to fulfill Morozova’s aching loneliness, creating hundreds of shadow and sun summoners all across the world. The Darkling comes back to life through the loss of Merzost, and Mal comes back to life through the loss of his tracking abilities and status as an amplifier.

This ending feels not only more consistent with the themes LB tries to convey throughout the books, but it also aligns more with character arcs, established lore, and the parts of the plot that actually made sense.

The Darkling was punished for using Merzost by the Fold’s creation, which was a place where his powers were rendered useless (although the fact that he still has much power over the fold feels contradictory to this fact). He still retained the ability to use it, however, the result of only using some of the Merzost’s power. Alina was punished much more severely for not only using Merzost but also taking all three amplifiers. Therefore she is stripped of that power entirely. The Darkling, who she killed with the power and who has also lusted for power, is stripped of it as well.

Not only that, but the presence of hundreds of people like them now ensures they do not have more power than everybody else. It strips Alina and the Darkling of power without robbing them of a very important piece of their identity that should be impossible to take. By making it so that they now have hundreds of equals, that they have people to match them, challenge them, stop them. That they can no longer take more power, that they can no longer use their powers over those less powerful than them, that their greed does not destroy those around them. It makes them essentially powerless (consistent with the theme of punishment in regards to the Merzost), without removing their status as members of a persecuted and oppressed minority.

This remains consistent with Alina’s character arc as well. Her growth as a character, coming into her abilities and learning to accept every part of herself, instead of denying an essential piece of her identity because she’s trapped by the past and her prejudices and her fear of moving forward - because she’s also trapped by her low self esteem and her loneliness and her fear. By allowing her to remain as a Grisha, her developmental arc - of learning self esteem and self acceptance, of learning to love every part of herself and to not deny those parts of herself for others or because of her worries, of finding a community, growing into a woman outside of one person, learning to connect with others and love others and love herself and love her powers - isn’t regressed in any way. It isn’t negated.

There still remains a punishment for the Merzost and for her hunger for power. There still remains a way to acknowledge the thematic ties between loneliness and Grisha - especially Morozova’s loneliness and therefore Aleksander’s. There still remains the culmination of three books worth of seeking out amplifiers - a satisfying result of all her effort and her traumas; the powers she sought out to defeat the Darkling actually used to defeat him. There still remains the acknowledgement of Alina’s growth and change. She isn’t robbed of a valuable piece of her identity and her path of self fulfillment and self acceptance.

I won’t get into this much now, but I also think Alina’s reluctance to accept herself as Grisha, hurting herself to remain untested and weakening herself by denying that crucial part of her, is the result of centuries of the oppression and persecution of the Grisha as a people. It isn’t just her own fears, but also the way the world has forced Grisha to integrate into society. How the Grisha’s oppressors have treated them, not allowed them to truly develop or grow or gain power. The way they’re viewed by society and the prejudices against them as a whole that stifles their ability to truly connect or form a healthy community.

That part of Alina’s culture and birthright was denied her by her oppressors. She lived amongst these people for years and grew up with their customs, and when she finally discovered the part of herself that made her Grisha, she was introduced to her people. Her community that the world, through endless hunting of the Grisha and stripping them of agency, using them and othering them and ostracizing them from society, refused the ability to truly connect. She was allowed to finally realize herself and who she was born to be.

Her stay at the Little Palace was distressing in a lot of ways, but I’m not talking about just the Little Palace, I’m talking about her journey throughout the books as a whole, as she learns about the people and community she belongs to. As she grows to love it and accept it and take pride in it. Her culture and her people - the Grisha.

So when people say Alina losing her powers is good because she doesn’t want to be a part of the Grisha (even though she grows to love being Grisha, not wanting to was only in the beginning), and that she’s happier as an otkazat’sya because she grew up with them (the people who have oppressed her kind and smothered her powers), and that Grisha culture isn’t hers, I want to scream. The reason it wasn’t hers was because she was held back from it. Because Grisha oppression has become systematic and ingrained within society. Because prejudice against the Grisha runs deep.

To say that it's good that she’s stripped of what makes her Grisha because she was raised otkazat’sya? When if the Grisha were free she never would have been in the first place? To refuse to acknowledge the harm done to her people and therefore her, in creating a world so against Grisha that she was never given the chance to be raised in her own community? Amongst her own people? Who would understand her and would never have let her get sick by refusing to use her powers and who would have helped her because they know what it’s like to be Grisha - because they are Grisha.

That’s fucking bullshit.

Alina doesn’t hate her powers. Her powers don’t cause her pain. It’s others and the world that hurts her because of them. And this is an important distinction. Alina losing her powers isn’t a healthy message. That others hurting you for how you were born means that the only way to remain safe is to strip away the part that makes you different. That Alina returning to the people she was forced to assimilate with and that raised her to deny a massive part of her identity is a healthy thing-

That’s not a message that should ever be given. Which is why Alina should have kept her powers as the sun summoner, even if she loses the amplifiers.

And the burden of being the only sun summoner is lessened with the spread of her powers as well. People claim that Alina losing her powers was good for her because the world burdened her too much because of them, but that’s an issue easily solved by the splitting of her powers. She now isn’t the only one with a weight to carry because of the way she was born, and in fact she no longer has to carry it at all.

Additionally, Morozova’s amplifiers and the Merzost itself, which he created, being used to fulfill the loneliness he felt in the world and that all Grisha feel - that Aleksander especially suffered under (and which he suffered under in part due to Morozova), is a much more poetic and thematically consistent way to maintain equilibrium and fill the void of loneliness in the world than robbing Alina of her powers to do so. Which is just pointless and random and doesn’t align reasonably with any of the narrative elements. Morozova himself doing so through his amplifiers and the Merzost makes it a state of healing and even redemption. It ties his story and his character together with the plot and established themes.

It also keeps with the theme of balance. In that the Merzost is now gone and the amplifiers are now gone - abilities deemed to be unnatural and against the balance - and instead both of their powers are spread across the land. Not just Alina’s. Which was an unbalance and not in keeping with the themes established throughout the books. With both powers not only split but also split amongst many, real balance returns to the world.

I also think that both Mal and the Darkling coming back makes the ending more in line with the plot and all of the character’s arcs, and also more intriguing as a whole. Alina now has the opportunity to navigate her relationship with the both of them on new, uncertain ground.

I think this would be a unique start to a Darklina relationship in particular, as the Darkling now has many equals that are not Alina. So what would make him stay? A fun premise to explore in regards to both characters and their motivations.

On the other hand, Malina has to continue to grow with Alina still living as a Grisha sun-summoner, but now the pressure isn’t all on her. She’s free of the burden she was forced into, but not free of the powers which she came to love. She also hasn’t been stripped of her identity within a group of persecuted and marginalized people that she came to connect with.

Alina and Mal could very well live out their lives in peace. Or they could take a different path, with so many new avenues open before them. This could provide the opportunity for an even more complex future if the Darkling still remains involved with Alina (with them) even peripherally. Like if they still had dealings with him in some way, even if there isn’t anything romantic going on between him and Alina.

All in all, I just think it would be a better ending for all three of them in a variety of ways, and it also creates so many opportunities for different paths to be taken. It’s more consistent with the themes LB attempted to convey, the plot and character arcs as a whole, and the established lore.

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

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Oh man I was scrambling trough tumblr tag and I saw this LB quote about Aleksander: "The Darkling is beautiful, I wanted to create a leader who was charismatic, appealing, a dictator you could imagine yourself following, an antagonist you couldn't just dismiss. [...] The Darkling is beautiful and broken and had a rough childhood, but he's also a brutal, manipulative monster with no regard for human life. He's dangerous because he's seductive, because he evokes sympathy.

…I just don’t even know when to start with this? Can she come off as anymore ignorant and offensive by trying to sound so woke. I mean “beautiful and broken”?! Are you kidding me?!

(Book Spoilers. Trigger Warning: Trauma and Mental Health)

Hmm well I'm not sure you could really sum it up as a 'rough childhood' more like a rough life filled with alot of trauma that has left him isolated and struggling to form human connections. Also I'm not sure I like the term monster for someone who is made the way they are through trauma and also the line about him having no regard for human life is just false he has lines he wont cross which is why he didn't harm the grisha children in book 3 and he was never going to because he values their lives. To be honest though I had some issues with the way LB dealt with trauma and mental health in the books. Not just with Aleks either but with Sergei too, actually I found the way she treated Sergei and his mental health in the last book rather appalling. Sergei is established as being severely traumatised by losing Marie to the point where he struggles to function properly. I think out of all the characters in the trilogy he's depicted as having the worst trauma, all the other characters have bad dreams and what not but Sergei really does find it debilitating and he struggles with day to day tasks like eating, sleeping and even just walking/travelling takes its toll on him. But Alina's attitude towards Sergei at times was troubling. To be clear though I'm not blaming the character for this as it was just the way she was written but she seems to consider Sergei weak and his mental health a hindrance. Here are some extracts from R&R the first is right after Sergei accidently revealed Genya's real name to Nikolai:

I shot to my feet. “What happened?”

“Sergei let her real name slip. He seems to be taking to heights about as well as he took to caves.” I released a growl of frustration. Genya had played a key role in the Darkling’s plot to depose the King. I’d tried to be patient with Sergei, but now he’d put her in danger and jeopardised our position with Nikolai.

Sergei was nowhere to be found. Probably a good thing, since I didn’t have time to give him the pummelling he deserved.

And like I understand that this must have been a frustrating situation but Alina knows that Sergei is struggling with his trauma and that he didn't mean to cause anyone any harm. I can understand her frustration but I really don't like the line about the 'pummelling he deserves'. I just don't like the suggestion that a person who is clearly suffering from a mental health issue deserves to be punished for making a mistake because of his trauma. Here's another instance where Alina is annoyed at Sergei:

Sergei had slowed us during our fight with the militia. He was unstable. I could apologise, offer useless words, but I didn’t know how to help him, and it didn’t change the fact that we were at war. Sergei had become a liability.

Again I get the frustration but again I have issues with the suggestion that because they are at war Sergei should just pull it together. Or even this image that's being painted that people who have mental health issues are just a burden on those around them. People in real life who suffer with similar mental health issues like depression and anxiety often worry about feeling like a burden to their loved ones so this could be really triggering for them. Then there is this from Baghra:

“We came to find you. What’s the matter with that boy?”

“He’s had a hard time of it,” I said, leading them away from the tank room.

“Who hasn’t?”

“He saw the girl he loved gutted by your son and held her while she died.”

“Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each man makes of it."

This one really troubled me because its like LB is saying that you can control your own trauma or decide how the trauma is going to effect you. It's again this suggestion that Sergei is weak because he struggled with his trauma more than others did. But the part that actually kind of disgusted me when I read it and I actually had to stop reading the book for a bit because of how much it upset me is how the characters talk about Sergei after his death. Alina had sent Sergei away because she felt he had become a liability and he then went back to the darkling and told them all the information he had on Alina and co. This move was obviously one born of his trauma and was made out of desperation. On several occasions Sergei has said he is struggling with feeling safe and no matter how hard he tries he never feels safe. Alina even tells us that Sergei had gone back to the darkling looking for reassurance and safety which really makes sense, this man grew up at the LP the one place where grisha could be safe, he grew up under the protection of the darkling. Then he chose to stand with Alina and went through the trauma and grief of losing the woman he loved horrifically in an attack against the LP which was his original safe place. He then never feels safe again so it would make sense for him to go back to what previously had made him feel safe, the LP and the Darkling. But this is what the other characters say about Sergei after he is killed by the darkling:

I sat beside him, unsure what to say. I remembered sitting like this with Sergei in the tank room, searching for words of comfort and failing. Had he been scheming then, manipulating me? His fear had certainly seemed real.

Abruptly, Zoya said, “I should have known Sergei couldn’t be trusted. He was always a weakling.”

Though that seemed unfair, I let it pass.

“Oncat never liked him,” Harshaw added.

Genya fed a branch to the fire. “Do you think he was planning it all along?”

“I’ve been wondering that,” I admitted. “I thought he’d be better once we got out of the White Cathedral and the tunnels, but he almost seemed worse, more anxious.”

Abruptly, Adrik snarled, “I’m glad Sergei’s dead. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to wring his neck myself.”

Steel is earned. Adrik had that steel, and so did Nadia. She’d proven it again in our flight from the Elbjen. A part of me had wondered what Tamar saw in her. But Nadia had been in some of the worst fighting at the Little Palace. She’d lost her best friend and the life she’d always known. Yet she hadn’t fallen apart like Sergei or chosen life underground like Maxim. Through all of it, she’d stayed steady.

And yes again I understand why they feel betrayed but they knew that Sergei was struggling and instead of understanding that Alina is accusing him of manipulating her and Zoya is saying he couldn't be trusted and that he was a weakling. To be honest it kind of reminds me of the way people talk about the darkling. Instead of recognising their trauma and trying to understand they jump straight to well they were a bad, untrustworthy person who was manipulating me.

Then there is the last part where Alina is thinking about how Adrik and Nadia are strong because although they faced trauma they were able to keep going and keep fighting but not Sergei, Sergei was crippled by his grief and his trauma and this means he was weak. Maybe its because I have struggled with crippling mental health issues myself where I couldn't even get out of bed let alone do anything else but I just found this implication that Sergei was weak really offensive to those who do struggle that way. People deal with trauma in different ways and whilst some people can fight through it and will just have a keep calm and carry on attitude others can't, others just fall apart, but that doesn't make them weak. I also don't think this 'just carry on and push through it' attitude towards mental health issues is necessarily a healthy message. If you need help then you should ask for it and be able to have access to it. LB could have used this as an opportunity to show a character who is severely traumatised getting support and help to work through his trauma and heal. But I feel like nobody really helped Sergei and any comfort or support he got seemed to be grudgingly given and there was more of an attitude of I'll try to help you because your issues are a hindrance to me than because any of the characters actually cared about him and wanted to help him.

Sergei and the Darkling were both characters that were 'beautiful and broken' but neither one of them was given the support or help they needed. Instead they were painted as either weak or as a monster. So what kind of message does this send to readers who also struggle with trauma and mental health conditions?

#the darkling #aleksander morozova #anti leigh bardugo #answered #tw mental illness #tw trauma

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