#and i dont know how 2 fix it or if i ever will
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That time my grandma who when I was heavily depressed teenager took me aside and recommended crying in the shower so no one could use my tears against me "but you still get to cry"
I loved my grandma very much and she was very good to me and whether or not this advice was good long term I do recognise it's one person who was abused by their mother giving survival tips to someone else who was being abused
Whether or not she recognised thats what she was doing, that is what she was doing and I appreciate the emotion and intention behind it
#before she died when talking tl me about how i didnt talk to my mom anymore she said two important things#1 that she understood that my mom could be mean which is why she didnt want the details of what my mom had done#2 'when your mom dies you will find it difficult'#not hard#not 'you'll regret it'#just 'it will be difficult' and it probably will be#and i dont begrude my grandma not wanting details of how her daughter abused her grandkids#but she never ever ever put pressure on me to fix thar relationship#it was clead to me she didn't want to know because she would believe me#and she wanted to love her daughter#and i wasnt gonna take that from her#mental health#childhood trauma
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Im jus looking at u w big eyes. Tell me what you're autistic about. Infodump get out of jail free card. Any size
oh boy there are. many things. there are so so so many things……. all rattling around my little brain……………….
#obviously art i love u art i love u drawing i LOVE u character design. love love love#i love u videogames hollow knight is my biggest special interest ever it’s literally the best fucking game i’ve ever played i would kill for#it. i would replay it 393748 times it changed my life for the better i think#i just spent like 2 minutes trying to say anything comprehensible about this game but i just. i dont know#i marathon all of mossbag’s videos on a bi-monthly basis if that helps.#extremely autistic about fnaf i have a love-hate relationship with it. it’s literally my life and part of my brain i grew up with it#im never Not thinking about it. but also i can shit all over it sooo bad i can be such a hater of it#ace attorney…. my autidm game. i could never get tired of the characters or the story no matter how much i play#disco elysium <3 i have no words for disco elysium it’s just the best game ever i think. life changing#has kim kitsuragi in there#i love u tv shows i love u gravity falls literally up there with fnaf on the ‘part of my actual life’ shelf#i’ve rewatched it so many times but it never stops being good and the characters never stop being interesting to dissect#i love u steven universe and my love-hate kismesis relationship with it. show that was so perfect but so flawed. but perfect i think#i could go on and on about su im so serious. but i will hold myself back for the greater good#i love u the owl house <3 it is doing everything it can and it is doing so good#i never really got a chance to participate in active analysis and theorizing so that was a good experience for me#got me autistically looking over one single frame to figure out a plot mystery#oughhhhhh i love u anime. chansow man. one pinch man. mop sikey. saiki k. bnha is in there too somewhere#i’m too autistic over bnha sorry i know it’s bad but maybe i just like it when shows are bad and i get to fix them in my head#i get to make everyone my ocs#which by the way im obsessed with my ocs. completely#you guys think im crazy about my fancharacters wait till you see me infodumping about my actual ocs then i might actually explode#ok this is not as long as i wanted to be but i just cant thhink of words when i try to explain how much my interests mean to me#u just have to trust me ok. or wait for a reason for me to go completely ballistic and write like 13k words explaining why hk is the game of#all time. ok (falls over)#cramswering
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flatmate has a girl over i am suddenly extremely uncomfortable
#sorry i only ever come here to rant its bc im losing all my interests / passions and always need someone to talk to but have no friends 🤪#negative cw#thats a lie partially in that i am emotionally incapable of talking ab it i just. i have no people i have no outlet#but tumblr hasnt been doing it for me lately. im not sure if jts#its the mental illness or if its just being full time employed leaves me so burned out that i can barely function#so hobbies just become non existent#doesnt really matter either way tho bc i can barely pay my bills on full time wages theres nothing i can do to fix things#time off or less hours isnt an option and i sont have the money to get anything diagnosed#i think i need. a lot of support ive been kinda rawdogging life for 26 years but ill be honest gang its starting to really impact everything#i do not. feel like i am a fully functioning human. i am not capable of being a functional adult in society#but its also like. i have to be#my parents dont really believe in mental health stuff or autism or anything and certainly wouldnt believe if i tried to say i was disabled#its just like. no one ever believes me ab that kinda stuff and i dont have the money to get it diagnosed#and without a diagnosis theres not much that can be done but also even with a diagnosis theres nothing#government disability allowance is $78 a week maximum and only covers specifically medical costs for that disability#like i genuinely feel on the verge of a breakdown so bad that i would need a care person#but alas. thats just literally never a possibility for me#i dont have money and i dont come from money and i will be forced to work full time through breakdowns until i die#there is nothing that can be done to help me or fix me#and that just. it sucks#anyway#hope this girl is nice bc my cat refuses to be in my room and its giving me anxiety bc what if hes scared of her and runs away#2 much going on in my head but i can not stop it so here we are#sorry y'all r my rant place#i have been thinking ab trying to step away from the internet a bit but its also.#not really a thing i can do bc everything costs money these days#social clubs r barely existent and the ones there are cost a shittone#I'd just. I'd like to be in a better place. I just don't know how to get there
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I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long
#talk post#i love this blog i want to live here#I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg#but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before#WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY#(yelling at a mirror)#seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately#and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week#making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts#and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again#this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row#but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school#and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing#and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year#and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it#like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me#PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE#i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean#i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy”#but things only work for so long#i hate the passage of time#anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff)#walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor#ramble#hit post
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god i fucking hope this rover thing pays off.
#vent post#negative#i need money so bad its killing me#i have taken out a couple hundred from my savings. because i never know if i have enough money for something (i dont. ever.)#so. goodbye to my moving out funds. if rover doesnt pay off im. so. fucked.#would be easier if i could just get a fucking job wouldnt it!!! but its been like 2 years and still i have not had anyone just#walk me through the process of how that works#they just tell me 'you just apply online' and dont explain what that means and dont show me how to do it#they dont tell me how to do an interview they just assume i know how this works and i dont and i keep trying to make that clear and no one#fucking helps me#i only last week learned youre supposed to ask the interviewer questions and that you can do interviews at like. coffee shops#i have 0 fucking job experience and it is Killing Me!!!!!!!!!#i hate money!!!! i hate trying to get money in this world that wasnt built for me!!!!!! my fucking anxiety and my autism hates this!!!!!!!#not to mention im still terrified of leaving the house which is only fixed by leaving the house but i have no reason to leave the house#so i dont and i stay scared and i dont think about jobs i cant do at home and thats even worse for reasons i cant explain#i still dont know how taxes work and when thats going to be a thing i have to get a crash course on#and while im fucking trying and failing over and over to just take the first steps i have to spend money to live#money i dont fucking have#money i. do have. but thats money ive been saving since i was a kid so i could have a good start for moving out#and ive transferred 1000 of it to my card in the last few months alone.#if i dont get some solid cash from rover im just. stuck again. stuck in this stupid loop ive been in for years#i started trying to move out at the end of 2020.#ive made no progress.#.....i guess ive made a little progress. i can drive now. thats. pretty important.#and i did download rover#and other than one dumbass thing my accounts pretty much ready to go#and itll get me out of the house more and I'll get used to that more and maybe just stepping outside wont be a nightmare anymore#uhg. lays face down on the floor.
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i am not going to cry i am not going to cry this is the stupidest thing to cry over i am not
#anyway everytgings going to shit!!!!! and the minute i say ok im going to bed it all gets worse!!!!!!! i am so fucking tired!!#i need my brain 2 be normal#better yet j need to leave i need to like. actually stop fronting for real for like a while. that'll fix me#but i CANT im fuckinf STUCK and i cant LEAVE and i DONT KNOW HOW#EVERYONE ELSE CAN LEAVE WHENEVRR THEY WANT BUT ME. IM STUCK#AND ALL I NEED RN IS TO LEAVE ALL I NEED IS A FUCKING BREAK AND I AM NOT GETTING ONE BC IM FUCKING STUCK#I AM SO TIRED IVE TRIED EVERYTHING TO LEAVE AND IT DOESNT WORK#I WANT TO LWAVE I WANT TO BE ABLE TO CALM DOWN#I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SEE THE PEOPLE I LOVE BE HAPPY WITHOUT FEELING AWFUL ABOUT MYSWLF IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK IM SO TIEED#I WANT TO LEAVE I WANT A BREAK!!!!!! BUT I AM NOT GOING TO GET THAT BC I NEVER DO#UGH. WHATEVER. WHY DID I EVER STOP ISOLATING MYSELF I SHLULDVE STAYED THAT WAY#UGH
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i need like 15 days off work just to do fuck all in my bedroom back at home to recover from the realizations
#you know that thing julien baker said about how it's not about saying there's something wrong w me i need fixing#but instead saying i have a specific shape and i have to see where i fit#well girls i think ive been in the wrong place... 🚬#people who have been observing me on the blog for many years might be like girl dont you have this realization every 3 to 5 years?#yes i do. and then i go i must be crazy there's literally love here (not the point)#ignore the guy chopping me to bits thats not relevant to my journey (it is)#then i have the realization again and i say oh boy this time it's going to be so different i will not ignore the guy chopping me to bits#2 months later im convinced i was insane for ever doubting the guy chopping me to bits#so. realistically it may all amount to nothing. such is life#personal
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.
#idk im really lonely#nobody ever reaches out to me first#nobody ever asks about how im doing#nobody wants to like... talk to me abt the things that make me happy#shruuugggsssssss idk#i dunno if its bc i come off as unapproachable or bc im like annoying or what#im just tiredddddddd of waitinggggggg for someone to give a fuck abt meeeeee#ive tried so many times 2 reach out to ppl and like#idk#it just doesnt go anywhere#even after repeated attempts of me like... being like hey i think ur cool lets chat etc#i feel like a fuckin burden in every social circle#or like i dont belong there or my presence is just tolerated or im being humoured shrugs!!!!!#i genuinely dont know how to fix this#maybe i have abandonment issues bc i keep fucking getting abandoned lmfaooooo
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i need 2 start eating vegetables. Haggard
#my diet is not nearly balanced enough in tht regard i almost never eat fruits and vegetables. just bc rhey arent rly a part of any meals i#know.. my diet is pretty much bread meat cheese abd POTATOS 📣📣📣📣📣📣#i especially need to get into like. leafy greens. but theyre so fucking narsty#theyre so bitter. Guys they are literally so bitter i cant stand it...#sigh. oncei get my own money i can start trying t likeee. look into recipes#that arent. again. just starch and some kind of meat and maybe cheese#bc thats. legit everythang ik how 2 make. potatos and kielbasa starch and meat. cajun chicken Meat. and magbe starch and cheese if i have#mac n cheese with it ^-^.. omelette. egg. and cheese and meat. bagel sandwich. egg and meat and cheese abd bagel. yk#none of them have any vegetables.. my omelette Would but we dont have salsa#i just wish there was a way t make likee. lettuce and celery and spinach and idk. cabbage. taste good#bc brocolli? brother put some cheese on it and it is the yummiest thing thats ever existed ....#brocolli is actually my bff. she is so fun to put in things to make myself feel better abt not eating enough vegetables..#i put her in CHEESY CHICKEN AND RICE 📣📣 speaking of i think ive just been uspet bc i havent had chicken n rice in like a month.#or beef stew and rice??? or rice abdeggs and bacon... i need to eat more rice This will fix me
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man
#UGHHHHHH#explodes dies etc#being creatively stifled by my own brain#like i dont even know how to fix this problem . its so upsetting#well . good news . i wrote something the other day ! and it wasnt even that hard !#granted i didnt finish it and it wasnt very good . but its a start isnt it ?#bad news . my brain is currently not working in a very specific way that is keeping me from my full creative potential#bcuz i can only really come up with a few specific kinds of things#and its very much holding me back because i WANT to do more than those things . REALLY BAD#man . i feel like im so close to getting out of this fucking Slump that ive been in for the past . 2 and a half years or something#i can write again . kind of ! but now i have a whole new problem#and i dont know how to fix it . and its really irritating#i think writing more could fix this problem but i Don't Have Anything To Fucking Write About#because i cant come up with anything GOOD grhhshghgahag#im sick of not being creative i want to fucking WRITE#and my only other creative outlet isnt an option anymore bcuz my computer broke in a very specific way that keeps me from doing it#ughhhhhh#i think i should try to talk abt my aus more . that would probably help i guess#but i dont really have anyone to talk abt them with#nobody ever rlly cares abt my aus . especially in such a big fandom theyve all been done before#its all so daunting#ill fix this eventually . but fuck is it hard#eli speaks
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my dad will comfort and hold my crying mother to the ends of the earth but me? Oh I'm actually less conversationally important than the fucking WWE Goldberg biopic
#'and nobody fucking cares' 'i dont think thats true'#what the fuck would you know. you won't even look at me.#if im sobbing he'll continue to discuss whats on the tv.#and i wish i didnt have to fucking say anything about it to him to begin with but its months for counselors.#my friends have it worse than me. just reconnected with a highschool friend who is amazing at grounding me but shes 22 with fucking fibro.#she doesnt need my trash especially since i havent physically seen her in like 3 years. and i cant help her the way she helps me.#nobody will listen. when they do: im a mentally ill stereotype and an annoyance. its not unrealistic that people would see me this way.#its horrible.#and because i am mentally ill and distressed no one wants to acknowledge why im distressed: physical fucking symptoms#if i suffer for 2-3 more months and then get treated and better then thats. well. something.#if my head is right and im unreparable or i die i want it to be said that i fucking hate everyone for not listening.#this klonopin is taking too long to hit. i just want to be fully sedated into a coma until they can fix me.#i dont ever want to look at anything. even when im happy or enjoying myself im mortified by how my world is now.#ive been dissociating for years but never this. everything looks fucking wrong. sleep brings no comfort. the spins come at night.#tomorrow im going to call about klonopin and see if theyll let me have more. not taking it every day. but honestly. in terms of peace#of course. my doctor also recommends ketamine. haha. thatll be something.#ok. i think my brain is slowing .#fuzzy.#personal#delete later#vent //
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Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time
#dont want this to become a vent accoutn but i dont like venting on servers 😭#anyway i cant tell whats wrong with me. i dont even know if this is even depression i think i just really hate myself guys#because ive been depressed my whole life and i know what that feels like? maybe its a different kind. i got depression v2.0#but what do i even do about hating myself . like how do i even fix that.#i get mad at myself for not doing anything and then i actually accomplish something and im like. you didnt do it well enough? hello#i think one of my biggest current problems is that i dont like anything. like nothing is enjoyable to me anymore enough to commit to it#but i dont have anything else to do right now so im just sitting around wasting away and starting things but not finishing them#like what am i supposed to do. im not unhappy all the time but nothing is fun im just existing#i was joking but maybe I actually did unlock depression 2#which is another problem because none of my mental illnesses have ever been treated in a helpful way in my entire life#and i have some kind of if not multiple undiagnosed neurodivergences definitely. but im scared to try and get them diagnosed#because the last time i did i got told it was anxiety (IT WAS NOT I DONT HAVE ANXIETY ANYMORE AND I STILL HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS)#and i cant even get anything done because i need help to do anything!#i feel so useless i cant do anything on my own because i just dont care enough id rather just like. sit here and die i guess#like im not even close to being s******* i know what thats like and its so much worse. thats part of why i feel so bad im not even that SAD#i just dont care. i think ssris fucked up my brain can i be real#oughh whatever. rant over back to playing pokemon#vent#talking#can i get an emotion. please one spare emotion#reading all of this back i truly think i just need to be pit on stimulants. but how do i get there i dont even have a psych rn...
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day
#the bin#i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it#im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all#the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread#im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then#i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant#because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant.#literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi#its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast.#well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least.#there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for#moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently#i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone#hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man#technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that#then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that#hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much#gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too#honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work#whatever. it doenst matter.#i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that#it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long#not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it.#im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even#i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(
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gazes off into the distance. maybe i should work on monster band again...
#my post#the wondrous oc tag#monster band#the lore is stored in the tags#shakes them (my ocs). i dont know what this story is About yet and i need to decide that before i really go anywhere else with it#idk idk i think its about balance#i dont think ive ever explained much about this story. so theres these 2 magical deer that are like. gods i think maybe#and one represents truth and knowledge and light#and the other is lies and secrets and darkness#and the light deer reveals itself to a group of people its decided have proved themselves Curious enough#and basically makes it their mission to. expose every secret. personal or cruel or even like magic shit#and they think 'yippee were doing the right thing :]' bcus the dark deer (which the light deer told them is evil) is getting weaker and the#light deer stronger !! but um as they continue exposing all these local secrets eventually they get caught in the crossfire and a few of em#are like 'wait thissucks actually' but its not until one of em exposes the secrets of the other members of the groups that the others are#like. wait this is fucked up you cant just do that. bro you cant out me to my mom wtf is wrong with you.#and and um that one guy is kinda far gone and practically controlled by the light deer and the others are like 'Hey Maybe These Twin Gods#Were Originally Equal In Power For A Reason'#and now they have to try to fix everything. but yknow you cant just un-tell someones secrets man so idk how they do all that#smiles. idk how to write endings#SMILES and they all even have names#zenith is light deer and nadir is dark deer#the sorta controlled guy is aster james (or just aj idk he goes by both)#and the others are nerris kal and day!!#kals full first name is kalideoscope :] and day's is yesterday :]!!#idk i like sillay names#fun fact i named aj Aster (latin for star) over a year before i added Astronomically named deer representing light and dark#it was his destiny to get possessed by the light deer....
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i had a dream abt a dog and now ik why :(
#had a bunch of weird dreams and weird vibes in my sleep and i think i know why.#yknow how they always say that the night someone passes everybody close to them has rlly weird sleep or dreams#or wakes up exactly when they pass or smth#yeah.#shes being put down today at 2 and i have to miss work but i dont care#i dont fucking care shes .y childhood dog#i can get a new job but i cant fix her yknow#i cant bring her back to good health or make her a puppy again#i wish i had been better for her. and for the other dogs ive had too#i miss all the pets ive ever had or been around
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