#and i fully support their artistic choices and the direction they take

[thurnerstorms]

this band is the only thing keeping me sane rn

[thefirstknife]

Season of the Deep cutscene reveals

I don't even know how to begin this but oh my god. The cutscene. The origins of the Witness. I am absolutely on the floor right now. I will post the link as soon as we have it but until then, I'll try to do it justice with screenshots. This is absolutely groundbreaking for the whole setting. I'll put it under just in case (also it's long). Seriously don't click until you watch the cutscene:

First things first, the prediction was correct! The first victims are the Witness' people!

This matches with the first message from Ahsa, about the first victims being "nomads and wanderers." They appear to have discovered the Traveler:

It's interesting how it's shown here. As if rising from the ground. Probably artistic visual to show that it gardens and transforms the earth around it, but maybe it might also be showing that this was the first spot it showed up to garden. As if it emerged here first. The rest of the cutscene seems to support that, given that the Pyramid ships did not exist before this so there was nothing to chase it. So it was either gardening before this without being chased or it never gardened before and this was the first place it touched as it spawned into the universe.

This matches the stuff about how they ended up getting to live in a big city in an oasis. The Traveler did for them it did for us, helping them get into a golden age. But as the messages from Ahsa said, they wanted something more from it, which isn't what the Traveler wanted to give them.

I love love LOVE how ominously it shows them building what would later become the Pyramid ships.

Man. Chills. And then their discovery of the Veil! Interesting information; they didn't make it or have it inately, they found it by studying the Traveler. This lends credence to Ahsa's messages where she talks about "two halves of a whole long divided" as being about the Traveler and the Veil.

They went out to find and take the Veil, which they did. The Black Fleet already fully developed. It's interesting how the Veil is show up there without the Tree of Silver Wings/roots section.

Super cool stuff about how they got to perceive the Light as negative:

They already knew much about the Light. How it could bend the laws of the universe and create life. But they came to realise that it could bring ruin... just as easily. The cosmic events it set in motion could wipe out entire civilisations in a heartbeat... without reason. And so they saw the Light not as a source of prosperity... but of unfettered chaos.

This fits with how the Unveiling describes the Gardener deciding to pursue complexity and the Winnower being entirely put off by the mere idea that things could grow to be complex, uncontrollable and chaotic:

Your new rule will only make great false cysts of horror full of things that should not exist that cannot withstand existence that will suffer and scream as their rich blisters fill with effluent and rot around them, and when they pop they will blight the whole garden. Whatever exists because it must exist and because it permits no other way of existence has the absolute claim to existence. That is the only law.

This side of the Darkness philosophy despises chaos. It despises the idea that everything can develop as it wants, that there's no order, no goal, no rules, nothing special to strive for, just free will and your own choices. It seems that the Witness' people came to this conclusion too as they delved into studying the Darkness and started regarding the Light as too chaotic and without rules to follow. Without rules, there is no way to control anything and things can go in directions you can't predict which deeply troubled them. That means that anything could happen, including entire civilisations being destroyed for "no reason." Talk about an existential crisis.

The object in the top left corner showed up as they mentioned the Veil which seems to imply that this is their symbol for it and it's really really good because that's the symbol we know from Rhulk's Pyramid:

Here it is looming over Lubrae; is the Veil responsible for the power the Witness used over Rhulk and for Rhulk which led to Rhulk rising as a disciple and destroying Lubrae?

Darkness is described as:

And then The Woman :) with the text as she appears and gets sliced:

And in the Darkness they found the means to carve away the chaos of existence. To calcify it into a final shape. Eternal... and perfected.

Much to think about what the statue means now. I'll have to rewatch this and everything about it a few more times. But after this detour, it's revealed that the Witness' people returned the Veil to the Traveler and tried making a connection, just like at the end of Lightfall, in order to "reshape reality itself." Big potential implications for the portal:

But the Traveler said no and left. And then it happened.

Having witnessed the truth in the Darkness, they used its binding power to merge themselves... into the salvation they craved. Thus began the Witness's pursuit... its campaign to impose meaning on a meaningless universe.

The reason the Witness has a smoke filled with faces above its head is beacuse that's all of the Witness' people merged together into one being, eternally in pursuit of the Traveler (Gardener), to "reshape reality itself" and to "impose meaning on a meaningless universe."

There are a few very grim scenes of the merging which shows a lot of of dismembered bodies in the shape of a triangle just piling up and then something akin to their essences being pulled into one to create the Witness. Incredible stuff.

Wildest shit I've ever seen. Seems also like we're on a good track with the general theme the game is setting up here. The Darkness is a power of the mind and consciousness and was used to create this being. They learned so much about the Darkness by studying the Veil and the Veil is inextricably linked with the mind and consciousness as well. Its link with the Traveler could, apparently "reshape reality" which, again, interesting implications for the portal now and possibly strengthening my theory that in order to enter the portal and survive, we must get in by transferring our consciousness or perhaps merging our consciousness with something.

Still much to learn about! And we might, given that Sloane has told us that Ahsa and her bond became too weak for Ahsa to also tell us how to get through the portal, but that she will be ready to say more next time.

This season might actually end with telling us how to go through, which I did not expect at all since we have two more seasons to go after that. But then again, this will be just in time for us to be ready for the August The Final Shape showcase; perhaps knowing how to get through and what's on the other side are the basic necessities to understand the showcase at all. Which might mean that getting through and knowing what's on the other side aren't even close to being the biggest mysteries of what's going to happen in TFS.

Absolutely insane. I will be rewatching this cutscene on repeat until the end of my days. I will never be a normal person again after this. So much stuff to think about and try to put into place now with this hindsight. I'll definitely be looking over some stuff again now that we have this information.

[blackcatsbookclub]

Welcome to the Black Cats Book Club!

We are a book club server on discord. We made this to create a safe place of escapism for all of our fellow book lovers. The server was made by adults for adults.

Some FAQ’s

Are you an 18+ server?

Yes, strictly. We want the freedom to enjoy all types of books without having to worry about those who can’t. We encourage all to come as long as they are of age.

How does the server work?

Once you are verified, you are welcome to choose some genres and activities you enjoy in our #roles chat. Those will unlock a few chats for you based on what you enjoy, that way you aren’t overwhelmed with everything that other people love, but can easily find things that you do.

How often are you doing book club?

We try for monthly. We want everyone to feel comfortable to read at their own paces, so every month, the genre will be your choice by vote, then the moderators will pick a few books for everyone to choose what they want to read that month within the genre. Then sometime later in the month we will have various book meetings for those who read the various books.

Do I only get to read one from the choices?

Of course not! If you want to read all of them on the list, please by all means. We encourage the love of books.

What if I don’t want to do book club?

Also not a problem. We are growing a community of positivity around the arts. We have streaming announcements if you are streaming and want to share. We have an artist circle, and a creative writing circle. And we will occasionally host a movie night for our Movie Club members, for those who don’t want to read, but will see the movie. We understand reading is not for everyone and that is okay. We are trying to build a positive atmosphere.

Do you support all types of genre love?

From nonfiction to general fiction to fanfiction to manga and beyond. We promise there is a place for you here.

Do you take suggestions?

Yes, we do! We can’t always think of everything and would love to make everyone feel included! So if you see something you want to share with others, let us know in our #suggestions channel.

What do I have to do to join the server?

Click the link in our bio or join the server here and follow the directions to fully join.

[allamericansbitch]

Hey, I'm sorry I ruined your day. I did not intend to do that. The amount of people saying they support pocs and still actively buy her album and go to concerts and buy tickets just baffled me. What I meant to ask was where's the line. If you spend money on her and give her streams, then isn't that supporting her? I think I came off a little strong because many of you still like the good times you had and you still go back to listen so you can reminisce and all that. I just think that she knows that and that makes her feel untouchable and she is counting on that to keep up her stats.

And artists might have done problematic things but she's been consistently doing it enough that I am quite certain she's a bad person and not a person who makes bad choices sometimes. So to the other anon, maybe you should draw a line where racism is involved. Like we're regressing on the aspect of inequality and to ignore her taking the side of discrimination is not cool.

I didn't mean to direct it all at you. It just came out. I'm sorry for spoiling your day.

I fully understand where you’re coming from, I get that it can be very frustrating to see people write off what she did and just move on like nothing happened, but trust me I am not one of those people. Streams mean nothing, they’re dust in the wind and it’s not like she’s making any money off of it. People are going to shows because they either already got tickets or aren’t letting her shitty behavior destroy their opportunity to have a good time with the memories they have. There still doing these things but the intention is no longer out of love or admiration. The main things that’s change is a lot of fans no longer really have respect for her like they once did. The see her the way she has been acting, which is someone who doesn’t care about racism and an extreme white feminist. They no longer see her as a good person because she stopped being one.

[crowdvscritic]

crowd vs. critic single take // EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE (2022)

Photo credits: IMDb.com

What do you do when everything in your life is dissatisfying everywhere you look?

For Evelyn (Michelle Yeoh), there’s little she loves about her life above the laundromat. For her husband Waymond (Ke Huy Quan), there’s little love left in the marriage he staked his whole life on. For their daughter Joy (Stephanie Hsu), there’s little in her life to inspire her namesake. Their days are filled with laundry, taxes, and family tension, all dipped in a glaze of aching malaise. But everything changes during a meeting with the IRS when a man who looks like Waymond—but acts nothing like him—warns Evelyn of a battle to save the multiverse only she can win. 

CROWD // Nothing is not weird about Everything Everywhere All at Once. Fanny pack kung fu? Hot dog fingers? Center-of-the-multiverse bagels? I swear I’m not just squishing random words together. Though comic book heroes have leaned into multiverses for some time, it’s not the stuff of movies that want awards or even ones that want to branch out beyond sci-fi genre tropes. Everything throws you into its complicated plotting and its (at times) puerile humor with little explanation, and it gives you precious few moments to catch your breath. I have watched it three times, and I still can’t explain everything back to you.

Everything can be indiscriminately loud for its own sake, but it also feels like the brain child of a cast and crew obsessed with finding afflatus in every moment, which is makes it hard not to give them credit even if they don’t always achieve it. (What does achieve it: Raccacoonie!) The movie cares equally about dazzling the audience with fun ideas and about creating a catharsis for its characters, which come together in the symbol of an everything bagel of all things. In the bagel: joy, pain, compassion, loneliness, loyalty, nihilism, choice, fate, pride, fear, and…googly eyes? It may be literalizing the Second Law of Thermodynamics, but if you're willing to go for the ride, you'll have a blast.

POPCORN POTENTIAL: 8.5/10

CRITIC // Nothing is weirder about Everything Everywhere All at Once than the fact that it won Best Picture—except maybe that it’s the third most-decorated Best Picture winner of the 21st century after The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (11 wins) and Slumdog Millionaire (8 wins). (2013’s Gravity didn’t win the top prize, but its seven wins are tied with Everything’s total.) Individually, its 11 nominations all make sense. Yeoh and Quan are undeniable, and Best Supporting Actress winner Jamie Lee Curtis is as delightful as ever. The script has no comparison in film history, the editing feels like watching a flawless Simone Biles routine, and good luck keeping track of all the changes in costumes and musical style. Somehow the Daniels directed it all into one package—that’s no easy feat!

If only the sum of Everything was as great as its parts. The line, “In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you,” is one of the most romantic lines in modern cinema, but the film’s shambolic energy lacks the focus and maturity to fully develop its ideas or world building. Like the title suggests, this film cares more about quantity than quality.

ARTISTIC TASTE: 8.5/10

[bisexualshakespeare]

All of Nick Mohammed's season 3 notes from this tweet, now hopefully easier to read

. As before, so much of Nate's story is deliberately unseen, unscripted or dialogue free - even more so now Nate is out on a limb. That feeling of abandon and loneliness were/are great drivers for Nate. In so much of the first half of S3 he's alone.

. Despite what Nate did to Ted, I felt it was important to aim for redemption right from the start of season three, even if it was primarily in the pauses between lines or in the way Nate's posture betrays his confidence. The horror of what Nate's done, of what he's becoming, of how he betrayed Ted, of the specific things he said haunt him throughout season three and no amount of bravado, fancy cars or words of 'encouragement' from Rupert can ever fully hide that.

. Incidentally, Nate's mum is called Maria Shelley - and Mary Shelley gave birth to Frankenstein/Frankenstein's Monster! "What have I become/what have I created!" . We see Lego Nate on the Richmond bench in 301… a sure sign of where things are headed - but we've a long way to go yet! More on the nature of redemption below, but even though that word is used a lot, 'catharsis' is probably a better way to describe Nate's S3 arc. To an extent redemption is in the eye of the beholder and as far as Nate's story is concerned it's more a look into our capacity for forgiveness. For some, there's nothing Nate can do to redeem himself - what he did at the end of season two simply crossed too much of a line. But for others, he will have done enough. Neither interpretation is right or wrong, but the challenge of season three with Nate was to make people question - even if just for a split second - their judgement at the end of S2.

. Part of the difficulty in forgiving Nate is because we believed in him from the start. We're so predisposed into buying a redemption story if we start off not liking them/their behaviour, but this was never the case with Nate - we rooted for him right from the off. Rebecca, Jamie, Colin, Isaac and even Higgins all make very questionable choices at the start of S1 - one may even argue just as bad as Nate's actions in S2 - but our capacity and desire to forgive isn't nearly as seductive as our desire to judge.

. Thanks to brilliant designer Paul Cripps, the first time we see Nate in Rupert's office is almost a direct parallel to when Anakin visits Emperor Palpatine's throne room in Return of the Jedi - a sure sign that Nate will eventually be redeemed!

. So here's a lovely example of Jason being Jason but also how often art imitates life in Ted Lasso… All through season one Jason would toy with a deck of playing cards on set practising sleight of hand. (Jason is a brilliant magician and it's something he and I would geek out over from when we first met and all through filming season one). In season two, because of Covid, there was way less time for this kind of social interaction, not least because we had to stay apart between takes. But just before we shot the scene in the lift in 304 (the first time Ted and Nate see each other following Nate's departure in S2) - and I don't know if it was by design or sheer fluke - Jason started toying with a deck of cards again… and that rush of adoration and connection between us all came flooding back. Even though I'm sure it was purely on a subconscious level, it was honestly so useful to use as a reminder of Nate's deep-seated love and appreciation for Ted.

. In 305 Nate opens up to Jade and says "[my date had to…] be really mean and leave" which is exactly what Nate did to Ted at the end of S2. Even though there's a way to go, there's a tiny moment of realisation here. A flash of the true Nate - which Jade sees.

. In 306 when Ted hallucinates seeing Nate in the diner we did the switch on camera for real (I think it's called a Texas switch and there's some great examples of it being done brilliantly in films on YouTube!) Supporting Artist Harry enters frame just as I dash behind camera. Hats off to the brilliant David Rom and Matt Lipsey for fathoming the choreography of this!

. 307 is the first time we see Nate smile and genuinely mean it/feel it all season (when looking at himself in the mirror in The Taste of Athens). Finally he has a chance to achieve something in his life without trampling on others - and it's no surprise that he ultimately returns to arts and crafts, something that connects us to the S1 version of Nate (and that connects him, specifically, to family). Up until this point Nate deliberately modifies his behaviour depending on what he feels others want to see in him (for better or worse). Jade doesn't want or need any of that. 307 is also the first time Nate refers to himself as 'Nate' - the name Ted gave him. Another sign that he's slowly but surely becoming comfortable with who he is.

. In general, Jade is such a guiding light in Nate's journey. That personal growth, intimacy and the beginnings of a truly meaningful relationship are subsequently enough for him to start seeing things differently… Not dissimilar to how Ted empowers Nate throughout S1. While I remember, I'll share a time-lapse of the wig being put on shortly, but hugest thanks to Chloe Hooker, Sophie, Nicky and team for pinning me in every day! From 310 onwards (more on that ep below) we switched to a much softer wig, which was deliberately less styled. A sign that Nate is becoming more like his old self. Of course he could never go fully back to having black hair - unless he dyed it! - but I like to think of the grey as a constant reminder to what Nate did and has been through. To a degree his tale is a cautionary one: careful what you wish for.

. As with the hair, Nate's suits track his downfall too. It's no coincidence that Nate chose a black suit to emulate Roy following his inappropriate pass at Keeley in 211, which is gross for all kinds of reasons, but shows Nate's toxic and confused mindset toward the end of S2. This suit stays with Nate for much of S3 but the way he wears it changes. I was forever asking Jason when we'd see the grey suit again but Jacky (costume) had a better idea! We do see it, but only the jacket. It's in the montage at the end of 312 when Nate's in the window seat (!) of the Taste of Athens enjoying a meal with his family and Jade. It's important Nate isn't beholden to Ted by this point hence just the jacket and not the full suit. I love that!

. Whilst on the subject of costume, the turtle necks and gilet were all chosen to give Nate a more uptight look while at West Ham. His posture becomes tense and unnatural. Again, it's a tiny thing, but it's another nudge towards him wearing the wrong outfit/pretending to be someone he's not. When you compare to how relaxed Nate is to when he's with Jade (in his own clothes) or to how he is in the gloriously comfy tracksuit that he wears in 312 on return to AFC Richmond! . Nate is fixated on Richmond from 308 onwards rather than himself. His behaviour is changing, he even thanks Roger after the match win rather than rudely dismissing him as per previous episodes. These aren't grand gestures and are less meaningful when viewed individually (Nate categorically shouldn't be praised for not cheating on Jade in 309 for example) but all these things taken together possibly amount to something close to redemption and are signs of Nate developing the emotional intelligence he's been lacking up until this point. This is a side note but Nate writing a text response to Rupert after he's seen Ted and Henry in the stands in 308 and then deleting it/changing it to something Rupert will want to hear is a great way of showing where Nate's heart truly lies despite what he's presenting.

. 309 is the first time Nate rejects Rupert (in Bones & Honey) and - importantly - their last direct interaction. The thought process in the aftermath of that moment is very specific… Nate's reaction goes from shock (did I just say no to Rupert), to have I lost my job (selfish), to where am I/I need to get out of here (realisation). His walk to Jade's (unseen) and their hug in the doorway is ultimately his release. But whilst Jade plays a huge part in Nate's arc (and impeccably played by Edyta Budnik) it's important Nate ultimately takes things into his own hands. But she remains a magnificent guiding light.

. I've already written about the significance of the violin piece used in 310 but just to gush a bit more about my amazing wife...! We first met during an orchestra rehearsal (she plays viola and piano) so to get to play this piece with her for the show was incredibly special. This scene is also special as it's the only scene that Rebecca and Nate 'share' (Rebecca's also my wife's name!) Both Rebecca (the character) and Nate are connected through Rupert - who once had a hold over both of them. And so to underscore her speech with Nate playing violin was such a great move on the writers' part (the intercut sequence was all scripted). A perfect example of 'show don't tell' by colliding their two storylines in this way. . We discussed so many different possible violin pieces. From memory the alt contenders were chiefly Ashokan Farewell, Danny Boy and an arrangement of Come Josephine, In My Flying Machine (which Jack whispers and sings to Rose when they're striking that pose on the front of the Titanic!)

. I asked Jason to be in my eye line when Nate's dad is speaking to him because when Nate aims his words at Ted in 212 those were undoubtedly intended for his dad (I would also try and interchange the words 'dad' and 'Ted' in the script so that I'd say one but think the other but don't tell sound!) The situation in 310 is mirrored. Nate doesn't cry here like he did in front of Ted though (and will again in 312) and it's important that that's not Nate and his dad 'fixed'. It does represent the start of a healing process, though. Similarly, Nate and his dad don't hug... that moment is saved for when he's with Ted and learns of his departure in 312.

. I'm sure that many of you clocked it already, but the lavender fabric softer that Nate secretly adds to the towels at the end of 310 and which Will smells is a callback to 202 when Nate ridicules Will for using it in the first place. Worth noting too that Nate apologises and makes amends in the order that he broke those relationships (starting with Will, then Colin, Beard, Keeley and ending - ultimately - with Ted). . Nate looking up when Jade seemingly disappears in front of Isaac, Colin and Will in 311 is a callback to when Beard seemingly disappeared in Nate's office in 207! . I teased the first two words of this before 311 came out but I'll share Nate's full letter to Ted shortly too (shout out to the amazing props dept, Lizzie and Dylan for having so much fun writing this as it was indeed 60 pages and very Nate!) . Fun fact: I had to stay under the table for 45 mins while they shot all the previously unseen security cam footage of Nate hiding under the table at the end of 212 though revealed to Beard in 311 - including everyone doing a big conga line past Ted's desk! . The decreasing screen time with Ted towards the end undoubtedly points towards his ultimate departure. The last scene I shot on the show was the scene between Ted and Nate in 312 and was - whether by design or a sheer fluke of scheduling - filmed on our very last day. We effectively shot the rehearsal because I was too upset! The picture I accidentally posted on Instagram before realising it was a huge spoiler on the last day was of Nate in AFC Richmond gear but with a clear view of the slate confirming Nate's return in S3 - not my finest hour but attached here for completeness! . Once again, thank you for all your insights, theories, for your love (and hate!) to our phenomenal team of writers and directors and incredible crew. It's been an absolute blast. Now let's go Greyhounds! Yes there will/will not be a season four - delete as appropriate ;-)

[silent-partner-412]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you don’t like a re-recorded version of a song and would rather listen to the original, just do it. It’s not that big of a deal, Taylor and everybody else involved are multi-millionaires and the most important part of the project is that she owns her music anyway.

So many people (mostly on Twitter) are like “if you listen to any of the original songs you don’t respect Taylor as an artist” which is just ridiculous if you ask me. She has never demanded that you stream the re-recordings over the originals. I can think of many reasons why somebody might prefer to listen to the originals. Maybe they like her younger voice more on some of the older songs. Maybe they feel the emotions of the songs were captured better when the feelings were more raw and not 13 years removed. Maybe they prefer how the originals were produced. Music is so subjective; literally any of these would be valid reasons somebody might rather stream the originals.

I personally still listen to the OG All Too Well. Same with Holy Ground, 22, We Are Never Getting Back Together, Starlight, and Begin Again. Depending on the song, it’s for a combination of the above reasons. And I still don’t want to fully let go of any of the original Speak Now recordings; that album means too much to me and I can’t imagine completely putting those versions in the past even if I do mostly like the re-recordings.

I understand to a degree why people argue about this. I support Taylor’s cause for taking on this project, and I want to show my support for it as much as I can. I also think if people are like “all the re-recordings suck and I refuse to listen to any of them” that’s just closed minded; the least you can do is give them a shot. But some of the direction this argument has taken has gotten uncomfortably parasocial, and trying to condemn somebody’s morality over their choice to stream a version of a Taylor Swift song is the epitome of terminally online and you should probably go out and touch some grass.

[uncloseted]

Sarah Lynn from BH was a much bettter portrayal of a troubled child star than The Idol's Jocelyn can ever hope to be. Major yikes to the show 🤮🤮🤮🤮

I mean, for sure. From what I've heard, The Idol seems like it's not a great show from an artistic standpoint and it's lacking depth in what it has to say. It's borderline offensive at best. It's certainly not doing Sam Levinson's reputation any favors and I think he made a real tactical mistake in insisting on consolidating his power on this project.

But... and this might be kind of a hot take here... I think the moral panic that constantly surrounds him is overblown, and I think it's actually helping him rather than hurting him. Being offensive is the point, because that's what draws in views. Euphoria is, at it's best, an incredibly realistic and heartbreaking portrayal of addiction and the impact it has on an addict's community. It's often a really good show (and sometimes a very bad one in terms of writing and pacing). But that's not what anyone talks about it for- they talk about it for the nudity and other aspects of it that are salacious, and Levinson knows that.

I also feel like culturally we've lost track of the idea that you can just think someone's work is shitty and not worth watching without it meaning that they're a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person. The Idol can just be bad. I don't think it means we all have to insist that Sam Levinson is actually a pedophile who is playing out fantasies of degrading his mother on camera, you know? Like, don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't be shocked if that were true or if it came out that his sets are a nightmare to work on. But people online seem to treat him as if he's like, committing widespread human rights abuses, and from what we know right now, that's just not the case. The actresses who work on his shows seem to consistently be putting out statements about how he's actually supportive and respectful of their opinions and boundaries.

And sure, maybe that's for the press and it's not real, but then you start to get into this conspiracy theory land where there's nothing that can convince you your belief isn't true. And the way people keep insisting that these women have absolutely no agency over their choices in these shows feels kind of infantalizing and insulting. There is, of course, a very real need to talk about power imbalances on sets and the ways in which actors can get pressured into doing things that they're uncomfortable doing. But that doesn't mean that no actor is making a fully informed, conscious choice to agree to show their boobs on screen because they feel like it furthers the goal of the show.

Anyway. If you do think The Idol is morally reprehensible and that Sam Levinson is a terrible person, the fastest way to get The Idol to die is to stop watching it and to stop talking about it. The more press it gets, the more they'll be encouraged to make a season 2.

ETA: I'm surprised that The Weeknd isn't getting more shit for all of this, as well. From the reports that have come out, it seems like the weird overhaul the show got was his decision, not Levinson's. But people want to keep liking The Weeknd and already hated Levinson, so a lot of the blame is being directed at him.

[canonicallyanxious]

sarah's non-comprehensive Shortbox Comics Fair rec list

hi hello have you heard about the Shortbox Comics Fair? It's an annual digital comics fair that runs through the month of October and showcases over 100+ amazing shortform digital comics from a whole host of supremely talented comic artists which means it's about to end in like A DAY. Pls go check it out if you haven't, this tableau is seriously kickass and it's fun and good to support rad indie artists!!!!

anyway to show my appreciation for these amazing stories i wanted to pull together a quick rec list of some of my favorites of the ones i've picked up, although i just want to say i honestly and wholeheartedly loved every single story i picked up and also dearly wish i had the budget to pick up more! i truly believe this fair has something for everyone but hopefully this list can serve as something of a starting point [mind the content warnings]:

Adversary by Blue Delliquanti - Minneapolis, 2021. Curtis is newly out, single, and ready to take his life in a different direction. Anton is a mysterious young man who recognizes Curtis from their pre-pandemic lives and reacquaints himself in a way Curtis isn’t entirely prepared for.

Hoo baby this is an intense one but so incredibly worth it. The visual storytelling through the coloring and the shading is chef's kiss, the characters so fully realized in such a short space, the story so darkly compelling and yet with an current of hope under the simmering rage and hurt that's practically leaping off the page with every incisive line of dialogue. definitely one of those stories you need to sit with for a bit after you finish it. [i also highly recommend the completed webcomic O Human Star and the YA graphic novel Across a Field of Starlight by this author, they're one of my faves!!]

Between Sand and Sea by C.A.P Ward - A call to the sea, a call to the shore, a call home. When their family leaves the coast, a youth struggles with life away from the only home they know. Their longing calls the sea inland until a choice must be made, tide the changes this brings, or chart an uncertain path to find what it means to come home.

god what a gorgeous coming of age story from start to finish - beautiful art, beautiful writing, beautiful characters, a beautiful resolution, just everything about this!! i love the mythic quality of the storytelling and i love the quiet yearning for home and belonging and meaning that suffuses the whole narrative. and you know a bitch is weak for sea metaphors of birth and belonging!

Chamber by Chamber by Ryugere - An executioner grapples with the guilt of killing an old friend as they take care of an abandoned child.

Yes all the characters in this comic are snails. No none of them have faces or facial expressions. Yes it completely fucked me up regardless. Highly recommend for the subtle but gutwrenching world-building, the expressiveness of the characters [turns out you don't need faces to accomplish this to devastating effect jesus], and the complexity of morality the main character grapples with throughout the story.

Cynosure by Jessica Peng - If two women were trapped on a spaceship and one was a malfunctioning AI and the other is trying to kill the former with a hatchet would that be fucked up or what?

oh you know this is exactly my type of shit. it's the doomed narrative and the homoeroticism of antagonism and the two lonely people reaching for each other despite everything of it it all! i LOVE the way the story of this relationship unfolds through the story through the alternating povs, each chapter somehow throwing everything that came before it into a new and startling light.

Hourglass by Barbara Mazzi - The Hourglass is called many things: the perfect machine, the source of all life, the fountain of youth. It promises immortal comfort to the privileged, but it also looms over its creators, making them slaves to its tics and gears. Martel knows that there are other simple, inexplicable things that give life meaning, way more valuable than eternity. A system built on rejecting such principles is beyond fragile - it is a ticking time bomb.

The richness of the world-building in this story, my goodness. it really ticks all my boxes: impeccable steampunk vibes, searing social commentary and portrayal of structural inequality through fantasy allegory, endlessly charming characters from two vastly disparate worlds forming a fragile but profound connection. And that ending! What a read!

I Am Of Two Hearts by Val Wise - Emissary Thresa will be executed on return to his King. Before his death, he visits the temple of his birth

I don't want to spoil anything but this one. it really hit me somewhere tender and aching. Thresa is a thoroughly captivating protagonist and following his emotional journey through this comic honestly left me breathless. i'm going to be thinking about this one for a long while.

[mysmorgasbordoffantabulosa]

I agree with what you said about Hybe and BH being better to all of their artists than other k-pop companies. To me though that doesn’t necessarily mean they will support all of the BTS members or the other BH artists’ solo work equally.

I can’t help but wonder why on earth JK keeps saying that he hasn’t prepared an album and that he isn’t working on one right now. On top of it, during the NY’s message he said that everytime he plans something it doesn’t work out so now his only plan for the rest of the year is not to work and take time off. It could be that he genuinely wants time off now but I feel like this is such a drastic change from the JK of even last year who kept talking about his excitement to perform different types of music and to work on his solo album.

Taking the rest of the year off also doesn’t sound like he has an album he’s already finished and is just waiting for his turn to release. It sounds like he doesn’t have anything in the works except for whatever random single (a la World Cup) or fashion contract he happens to get thrown at him during the year. It seems like he’s on call. But it also doesn’t sound like it’s fully his choice though he’s trying to make the best of it and he won’t say anything publicly. JK is in a way stuck. The other k-pop labels don’t have the operations or the ability to help him produce the kind of solo album I imagine he wants. He doesn’t have the language skills to move to a western label on his own so he doesn’t have that much choice but to make the best of this down time. He is at BH’s mercy. He is such a talented performer but he’s not like the rap line who have been writing and producing their own work for years. He’s more like Jimin where he needs producers and writers to help him in the songwriting and album creation.

What the actual reason behind his current hiatus is none of us know for sure but from things he has said I’m not convinced things are as nice with BH as some think. BH and Hybe are spreading their creative production resources very thin. They not only have the BH artists to support but also throw enough help here and there to all of the satellite Hybe acts as well. Even the ones who are still being run by their own management companies under the Hybe umbrella.

Hi,

Firstly, I was (and kinda still am) a little irked by your ask. I consider myself a half glass full kind of guy, but the (personally unwarranted and miscontrued evidence) negativity just set me off, so if this comes of as rude or passive aggressive, you've been warned…

To me though that doesn’t necessarily mean they will support all of the BTS members or the other BH artists’ solo work equally.

Well that contradicts what HYBE/BH said earlier this week didn't it…

View on Twitter

This is the full translation of the video in the tweet...

I can’t help but wonder why on earth JK keeps saying that he hasn’t prepared an album and that he isn’t working on one right now.

Oh come on JK has been talking about his mixtape (now possible album) since 2020. Albums can take years to make, other times months. We know JK at times has struggled to motivate himself to write music. But I think he has an album ready and is just waiting for it be released, it happens all the time. Nothing more, nothing less.

On top of it, during the NY’s message he said that everytime he plans something it doesn’t work out so now his only plan for the rest of the year is not to work and take time off.

I think you're misconstruing what he said and meant. He was referring to new year's resolutions and how in the past he'd make them and then never followed through. Don't believe me go and check previous New Years videos and you'll see it becomes a bit of running joke with JK never finishing his plans. So, this he decided this (direct translation of the subtitles on the original video)...

"I always had plans, but things didn't go as planned. So this time, I want to let it go and enjoy it, get less stress, and do it without thinking. So honestly, I don't have a personal wish… Is it the wind?"

So tell me where did he say he's gonna take a year off????

Additionally, It's also got bugger all to do with BH interfering in his album and him not wanted to commit to something (like learning English for example) something he knows he can't fulfil.

It could be that he genuinely wants time off now but I feel like this is such a drastic change from the JK of even last year who kept talking about his excitement to perform different types of music and to work on his solo album.

I swear some K-fans (not necessarilly you, but you're expressing a view point I see a lot), are spoilt and self-entitled because they expect JK to produce stuff on their whims, and expectations. Completely forgetting that HYBE/BH are a company that have make long term plans, particularly when it comes to music releases and forgetting that some of their artist's music has been in the planning for YEARS, Repeat Y-E-A-R-S!!!. We know this because BTS themselves have pre-planned the albums years in advance.

Oh and OMFG (guess what the F means!) IT's ONLY BEEN THREE F'ing MONTHS since the world cup... That's shorter than the Hiatus of last year .

Also, just because it's a perception that it's only JK not really having any "work", I would not be surprised to discover that RM is also off schedule, but we don't hear about it because RM wouldn't reveal that to us. SOME ARMY need to learn a little more patience because we don't know what will happen tomorrow, or in two weeks/months/years times.

Taking the rest of the year off also doesn’t sound like he has an album he’s already finished and is just waiting for his turn to release.

I think we've established he's not actually take the rest of the year off. Also, after completing an album, it can take a minimum of 6 months to set up it's release.

It sounds like he doesn’t have anything in the works except for whatever random single (a la World Cup) or fashion contract he happens to get thrown at him during the year.

As a friend of mine would say...

It seems like he’s on call. But it also doesn’t sound like it’s fully his choice though he’s trying to make the best of it and he won’t say anything publicly.

Did he say it wasn't his choice because I don't recall that being the case.

JK is in a way stuck.

No, he isn't, he's just off schedule and probably a little bored. Remember most of his friends are Idols with their own careers and comebacks/schedules to plan and implement.

The other k-pop labels don’t have the operations or the ability to help him produce the kind of solo album I imagine he wants.

Well he's certainly wealthy enough to produce his own album and I'm sure a company would happily distribute it... but it ain't gonna happen because I predict he'll (and the other members) will re-sign with BH eventually, and where will all the naysayers be then.

BH will produce and release if album when it scheduled to be released, in their production schedules, like any other mother*king music company.

He doesn’t have the language skills to move to a western label on his own so he doesn’t have that much choice but to make the best of this down time. He is at BH’s mercy.

It's called an interpreter darling... Look it up.

He is such a talented performer

Something we can agree on...

but he’s not liked the rap line who have been writing and producing their own work for years. He’s more like Jimin where he needs producers and writers to help him in the song writing and album creation.

Oh and you let yourself down there. You do know that JK is credited as a producer at KOMCA (Korean Music Copyright Association) and has produced (not just co-wrote) on two songs, don't you?

What the actual reason behind his current hiatus is none of us know for sure but from things he has said I’m not convinced things are as nice with BH as some think.

Projecting much? Please refer to my previous response above...

BH and Hybe are spreading their creative production resources very thin.

IN YOUR OPINION... NOT AS A FACT

They not only have the BH artists to support but also throw enough help here and there to all of the satellite Hybe acts as well. Even the ones who are still being run by their own management companies under the Hybe umbrella.

Erm, No...

Pledis.. pretty much has it's own in-house producers that work solely on artists like SEVENTEEN

New Jeans is produced by Min Hee-jin & Park Jin-su

Enhyphen is produced by a guy called Wonderkid

TXT's producer is former BTS producer Slow Rabbit

Le Sserifem is mainly produced by independent producers 13 (Score & Megatone) who have produced for artisits like Golden Child and Taemin.

As for the member's current work...

Hobi's album production was overseen by him with producers Pdogg, EVAN and GHSTLOOP working on individual songs.

RM's album featured Pdogg and GHSTLOOP

Jimin's release is mainly produced by Pdogg, EVAN and GHSTLOOP

Hardly stretched if you ask me...

Look it's clear to me that BH are on a production release schedule, I expect TXT to release a something in the next few months, so factoring in that, after Jimin's release we probably only have 3 more albums/mini albums to be released by the members.

It's likely that Suga won't now release an album but perhaps a single to help promote his tour. Followed by RM's second album, then Tae and JKs. I expect JK and Tae's albums to drop at some point between July and December.

OH and if they get some "random single (a la World Cup) or fashion contract", collab, acting gig or variety show in the mean time then I'm sure most of us can cope with it.

[interabangs]

Nope, N.O, and The Astronaut

It was a one-eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater...

I love Jordan Peele’s Nope and Kim Seokjin’s “The Astronaut.” I think the overall message in The Astronaut mv is a promise from Seokjin, to us fans. He appreciates our support and though he, and the other members, have to go away for a while, they will return. In The Astronaut, Jin’s vocals are comforting, and the lyrics he wrote in his native language are filled with love.

I also think there’s another layer to the mv.

(Spoilers below) 

My theory is the ship in the Astronaut mv is like the alien monster from Jordan Peele’s movie Nope. The alien has a camera for eyes and a mouth. if you look at it, you get sucked up and consumed. It represents the pressure of the entertainment industry, and the demand for constant content. The industry is the alien, some of the audience (mostly antis and solos) is the alien: watching, consuming, and judging.

One of my first thoughts after watching Nope (after coming down from the adrenaline rush due to watching it in a Dolby theater), was that Peele deliberately avoided explanations. It felt like his response to many people who loved Get Out, but criticized Us. I admittedly had a similar reaction, but while I do think the third act was a little confusing, I appreciate what Peele was saying in Us. Anyway, in making Nope very direct, with no answers about where the alien came from, the themes and layers are a lot easier to see.

That isn’t to say the entertainment industry, nor all fans, are inherently evil and dangerous. Without a production company, or fans, then Jordan Peele’s movies, and BTS’s songs or mvs might not have existed at all. But there is an underlying danger in spectacle, and demand for more of it.

Steven Yeun’s Jupe (who is Korean-American) turns the traumatizing event he witnessed as a child actor into entertainment, praising the SNL skit parodying the massacre and acted by a white cast. Jupe wears Western clothes and a cowboy hat, which both resembles the alien and the outfits BTS wore in the Permission to Dance mv. 

Nope helped me fully understand what Namjoon was talking about when he mentioned he had lost sight of what kind of musical group BTS was becoming. This same band of artists that write and perform songs that retain the essence of their souls. They expressed their deeper feelings through their Korean lyrics, their cultural roots, and even their callouts to societal issues like the educational system, and stifling expectations pressuring younger generations to be perfect. 

I personally don’t think BTS had ever forgotten their roots, and I’m not saying Peele made Nope partly to tell BTS to rap and sing in Korean again. But I do see the parallels between Nope’s themes and BTS’s decision to take a break from group music until 2025. I do think Jin was conveying parallels between Nope’s themes and his choice to preserve his soul, to say “Nope” now and then to the camera, while still loving his members and fans.

Jin looked blank throughout most of The Astronaut mv - the exceptions were when he rode in the truck that featured in past BTS mvs (representing the members), and when Jin is with the girl who represents the predominantly female fanbase. Jin’s blank expression and being shunned by other people in the city scenes might represent Jin recounting all the hate comments he had received from non-fans asking when he would enlist.

I think when Jin was going through his burnout in late 2020, it was related to the SK government postponing BTS’s enlistment. Jin never asked to be exempted, nor for an extension. He and the members had always planned to enlist. But Jin got hated on the most, sadly. Jin wisely got counseling to help with his burnout.

This is why I think Jin turning away from the ship refers to Jin finding peace within himself, with the other members, family and friends, and with the fans. When characters like Em and OJ, and artists like Jordan and Seokjin, have the agency to say NOPE or N.O to the industry, that helps them hold onto their s(e)oul.

[existentialmagazine]

Review: Wotts newest indie-pop single ‘Wilson’ is set to be the anthem of the summer, embracing warm instruments and catchy lyrics

Coming off the back of recent hits ‘there’ and 'Laundry’, the dreamy electronic duo Wotts return with another smashing single titled ‘Wilson’. Connecting to listeners of artists like Tame Impala and Brothertiger, this two-piece reflect on a warm sound that many know and love, while maintaining something so very original about how they do it. It’s hard to put into words, but once you listen to Wotts, you’ll know exactly what it is that sets them apart.

‘Wilson’ is of course no different, falling somewhere between indie-pop, synth, electronic and dream/bedroom in its patchwork of entwining stylistic choices, embracing you with a blanket of noise that’s going to make you feel right at home. Through bright drawn-out synth keys, a vibrant leading electric guitar riff and contrasting unintelligible harsh spoken voices, ‘Wilson’ opens up with an immediate balance between vibrant colour and deeper meaning, battling between a sunny front and the complexities buried beneath. Off the back of these angsty backing voices is where we find the verses introduction, cutting off this background chatter with reverb and electronically-soaked lines, a staple for every one of Wotts releases that seems to keep the lighthearted facade of the sound bubbling while their lyricism reveals all. Steady tumbling beats, bright electronic pops and backing vocal echoes also keep up the song’s dreamscape as it presses forwards, a contagiously feel-good concoction of sound.

Things only continue to bend as we press forwards, with distorted synth-y sounds, layers of fusing sounds, growing backing vocal echoes and of course, one final instrumental eruption. Leaning a direction we don’t often see from Wotts, gnarly electric guitar strings dominantly lead alongside a quickly pounding riff and intensely pounding drums, delivering a raw and rocky performative conclusion filled with completely unfiltered emotion. With so much neatly tucked inside its three and a half minute runtime, ‘Wilson’ doesn’t fail to deliver.

The narrative is just as enthralling too, with Wott’s more unclear, dreamy vocals making it a little bit more of a puzzle piece to fully pin together. One of the first lines we hear sets the scene, painting a visual of a bustling day-today scene as they sing ‘running all morning, running til evening, always got something pulling on my shin.’ Caught up in life’s never-ending expectations, work, relationships and all the balancing we have to do to keep the cogs turning, this instant focus on reality makes it hard for anyone not to relate. Continuing into the chorus, they emphasise ‘think of you when I get low’, finding a crush or budding relationship that can take them away from life’s constant burdens, and in some ways perhaps leaning on it a little too hard. This romantic lean is drilled in further as they admit ‘she got me feeling ‘cause I know we got something’ , a sense of uncertainty in their label and relationship, but still seeking solace in it regardless. This anxiety does soak itself into the soundscape at times though, maintaining a balance between the catchy nature of the song and the more thoughtful reflections that can shine through when we rely on someone a little too much.

While you might often know what to expect from the top charting hits, Wotts have made sure that their sound is anything but cookie-cutter, melting the mould for one hell of a stand-out single in ‘Wilson’ . Keep listening to it for yourself here, you’ll soon know exactly why this pair are set to go far.

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Michel Elzo

// This coverage was supported and created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.

[nelofairc]

two in one day… blimey.

the quiet voice i just mentioned suggested something last night which surprised me. i’m gonna think it through here (in major-oversharing/traumadumping shame).

my inner wise elder said “hey, what if all your fears of abandonment could be resolved by meeting up with your dad”. 👀

i mean, in traditional therapy terms, it’s a pretty bloody obvious trope. i’ve mentioned my undiagnosed emotionally abusive mother, but there’s also an absent father in the mix, too. oh hai multiple layers of abandonment and attachment wounds! here, have a cuppa and some cake. in fact, why not just move in since you basically live here anyway?

sigh.

i’ve struggled to find compassion for my mum’s behaviours towards us. her parents loved her unconditionally, gave her everything she needed or wanted - in fact my gorgeous grandad apologised to me once, saying he was horrified with how she treated my sister and i, and how he could now see that spoiling her and meeting her every need had stopped her from learning to meet her own… bless him for attempting to take the blame for her own shitty decisions. she hated school and left before she was 16, went to Art School, which she also hated (the 60s were apparently ‘too bohemian’ for her and she found abstract art confronting), and then moved to London where she became an apprentice illustrator working with a major Fleet Street comic strip artist. other than hating school (which, well, doesn’t everyone? especially creative folk), i could never see any actual trauma in her life… so why was her rage so high, and why did she feel it was okay to direct it at her kids? it was only when i got my own autism diagnosis, a year after she died, that i started to understand a little better.

her rage and her narcissistic tendencies (her way was the only way; disagreement deserved punishment, constant criticism and undermining, breaches of trust where she’d reach in with gestures of care only to create a false sense of trust so you’d share something personal which she’d then use against you forevermore, emotional blackmail, gaslighting, making plans and then changing them on whim and dismissing your feelings, changing the goal posts without explanation, inconsistencies at every step meaning you never knew what would soothe or trigger her chaotic mood swings, total lack of economic support while bemoaning ‘everything she’d given up for us’, and of course the constant “i never wanted kids anyway, why don’t go go and live with your bloody father <who also doesn’t want you>”…)… they all stemmed from fear. she didn’t understand why she was different, she got teased and bullied and rejected accordingly, and she wanted the kind of ‘easy life’ that she saw her rich London friends swim through life with. she was an undiagnosed neurodivergent, with neurochems surging through her, a fully dysregulated nervous system, and no idea wtf was ‘wrong’ with her. she expressed that fear through control, which is an incredibly common manifestation of neurodivergence, while existing in a time where no one talked about mental health, never mind neurological conditions. we talk about the misogyny of medicine a whole bunch these days, but in her time women complaining of depression were still labelled ‘hysterical’ and the threat of institutionalisation was still a recent memory. any time my sister or i talked about any benefits we might have found through therapy, she furiously told us she wasn’t depressed… despite manifesting all of the symptoms of depression. when she died (which is a whole story i’m not yet ready to spill), she was alone (not, i might add, by my choice).

i see myself in her, her in myself, ALL the time, and i do not like it. it was extremely hard to love her, and even with the awareness of her undiagnosed challenges making it it slightly easier to apply some empathetic context, it’s still hard to forgive her.

she did, however, teach me two things which hold positivity (albeit with disclaimers), which i’ve kept hold of: that women can run their own businesses, despite patriarchal objection (although apparently at the cost of mothering, and only with the support of a silent male benefactor); and that nature is EVERYTHING, and we are part of it, so to hurt nature is to hurt ourselves (although the needs of animals come way before the needs of her kids).

my dad, on the other hand, was a visibly trauma-ridden wreck of a man from the getgo. his own mother was of the staunch Conservative breed who believed status was everything, and that women should be subservient to men… except in her case, where she was the matriarch at all times. her own self-appointed status was accrued from being the perfect Vicar’s wife, and my dad had duly followed his patriarchal lineage, becoming a Vicar like his dad, and his dad’s dad (and so on) - mostly, i suspect, in a thinly veiled attempt to gain any form of recognition and respect from her. he was the middle son of three, and neglected accordingly. the eldest was the only one who mattered and was showered with adulation and wealth. the youngest was… ‘intellectually challenged’, shall we say (again, we didn’t discuss mental health or neurological conditions back then, so i have no idea if he was ever diagnosed with anything, but he certainly had high support needs and some pretty dubious behaviours, especially around women. he’s pretty creepy). my mum would tell us on loop about how she only married him because she felt sorry for him (with a far quieter line in ‘and i enjoyed facing off against my mother in law’).

my dad was therefore, like most men under patriarchy, oblivious to his own mental health needs. he was unable to ask for help, or be honest about his failures to meet the emotional or economic needs of his family. being a family of a servant of God, we lived in rectories which were so old, cold, and damp that they were impossible to heat, which only added to mum’s ill-health and quashed her high-falutin desires of wealth and a life of ease. she did try to be the perfect Vicar’s wife, but her own lacking social skills resulted in avoidance and a rage which screamed behind closed doors. she was cruel to him, and he took it. i found out after she died that she’d had affairs too, which devastated him - for all his faults, her adored her. when she finally left him, having dealt with one bailiff too many, one house move too many, one military airbase too many, one screaming match too many: he was destroyed. on his one visit to (allegedly) visit my sister and i, they screamed blue murder at each other in the kitchen before he drove away, never to be seen again.

i did see him again, three times. but only because i initiated two of those attempts at healing and reconnection. i hadn’t received so much as a birthday card from him, never mind any financial contributions to my survival or growth, and only a family-addressed Dear Friends letter at Christmas since he remarried, written by his wife, full of news about people and places i had zero connection to.

the first time i reached out was after i’d finished school. he’d gotten re-married (having failed to invite us to his wedding), and by age 18, as my own life started to finally become something i wanted instead of being forced into, i wanted to give him a chance. i knew mum was, um, hard to live with (understatement) and so i wanted to hear his side of things, and ultimately, why he’d abandoned his own children. i told my mum and his mum that i wanted to go visit him and his new family (his wife of four years had kids from a previous marriage… so i had step-siblings i’d never met). i wanted to stay with them to observe up close what they were really like, but was told in no uncertain terms that this was A Very Bad Idea [TM], so stayed with my gran instead (whereupon she ripped him apart, as well as my mum. no one was worth dust to her except her beloved eldest son).

at this first visit, in a cafe, he rolled out excuse after excuse. it was all mum’s fault, he said. and my grandad’s too (my grandad had had his first heart attack at the news of their marriage, and it pretty much only went downhill from there). it was, as far as my dad was concerned, all my grandad’s fault that mum had left him. he’d enabled her to leave by supporting her. because, obvs, women couldn’t make their own decisions in life, not without a man holding the reigns. so i sat in a soulless cafe, without having achieved the result of meeting my step-family, and listening to my father blame everyone other than himself, for everything. i didn’t even know the word ‘accountability’ at the time, despite receiving a perfect example of its absence. i left with the assurance that he simply didn’t have ‘fatherhood’ in his toolbox, and that i’d lost nothing by his leaving (and stored the inner rage within… because where else was it gonna go?).

the second time was less his invitation and more institutionalised familial obligations: his mum, my gran, died. i was, of course, expected to attend the funeral. it had been a decade between mum leaving and my meeting him post-school, with zero contact made from him in between. the funeral marked a further 11years of zero contact from him, and my mum was being… an absolute prick about it all. i was soon to turn 30, had a work-and-life partner i loved deeply (too deeply, as it turned out), was driving forward an unconventional career which suited me well (albeit not rewarding me economically). i had zero awareness of my identities and conditions, and hid my unknown traumas behind alcohol abuse. the night before the funeral i was blind drunk and, for the first time in my life, lost any capacity to reign in my rage. following tirades of mum’s self-centred demands for her needs to be met whole dismissing anyone else might perhaps have one or two of their own, i lost it, opened my booze-fuelled mouth, and let rip with everything i had always wanted to yell back at her. i scared myself with its power, shocked her with its hatred and pain, and for the first time had to witness the astonishment and disappointment from the man i loved witnessing ‘the true me’. it was the beginning of the end for any sense of self i had started to construct, made only worse the next day when, hungover, my dad had told that partner “take care of her, she’s precious”. precious? do you abandon someone who is precious to you? does a Vicar abandon any of his ‘precious’ flock? how fucking dare he.

having scared myself stupid with the rage release of the night before, i swallowed my emotions and stayed silent, dissociating, numb. my then-partner, seeing the effort that had taken, and still reeling from my outburst of the night before, stayed close and quietly supportive. somehow my well-behaved masked self even managed to acknowledge that it was my dad’s 60th soon (without mentioning it was also my own 30th in between). i suggested we meet up for dinner, since my partner and i would be travelling back from an overseas event around that time.

so the third time was that dinner. his 60th, my 30th (not that the latter featured). i was majorly burned out from the event we’d travelled to and its heinous expenses which weren’t being covered by anyone else. jetlagged and majorly triggered, i managed to behave perfectly. this was the first time i’d met my step-family, and i even bought a bottle of champagne for the table (which i could ill-afford). in return? *tumbleweed*. no mention of my own 30th birthday that he’d yet again been oblivious to. no gratitude for the efforts taken to attend this family gathering, where his step kids talked happily about the lives he’d helped them build. the lack of awareness was startling. the cave in my soul grew deeper and more jagged.

the only other time we talked in realtime was when he happened to be at my sister’s when we were on a video call (me in Australia, her in UK) after a friend had died from liver cancer. he came onto the screen and offered his religious belief systems at me. nothing he wouldn’t have said to anyone in his congregations, and again not even the faintest whiff of accountability or compassion for my existence, and his rejection of it. it reminded me starkly of one of my few memories about him from childhood; i was sick and in bed. he came in and drew a cross of holy water on my forehead. no soothing, no offers of love, not even a fucking hug. nope. a religious symbol, which even to my tiny child’s view was based on a complete fiction.

the very last time i made any attempt to reach out to him was down to pure desperation on my part. a last ditch attempt, which he fully b0rk3d. i’d been living overseas by this point, and had been called back to UK by mum’s social worker and GP to try to stop mum from being made homeless. i knew i was going back through the gates of hell, but i couldn’t stand by without even trying, i just couldn’t afford to pay for the flight. so i emailed him, “hey, i have never asked you for anything, and i’m sorry to have to do so now, but <insert context of urgent situation>. is there any way you could contribute any amount of money toward my flight back?”. his response? “have you tried getting a job?”. um, right. that’ll be a No then. fuck you.

when mum died, my sister reached out to him to seek support (much against my recommendation). we were going through a legal battle (of mum’s own causing, which then became our problem) and couldn’t even afford to pay for her funeral. he was no longer a practicing Vicar, but she’d asked him to officiate the ceremony. his response? “i can come and hold the service, yes, but you’ll have to cover my fee and all expenses”. dude, you were supposed to HELP YOUR CHILDREN, not treat us like a fuckin cashcow. the local Chapel offered the entire thing for free and my sister duly sent him the details. on the day, around 9.30pm, she received a lengthy text message, whereupon he spewed how hard it all would have been for him… and didn’t even ask how it had gone, or how we both were. yep, great dad material, right there - and even better religious leadership. at least my sister finally saw him for what he was. we toasted our new status as orphans, and tried to pretend it didn’t hurt like fuck.

apparently since i’ve been back in UK he’s been continuing to reach out to my sister, wanting to reconnect. he wants ‘forgiveness’ before he dies. i’ve repeatedly said i couldn’t give a fuck, that he’s had his chances and never been a father figure so i have lost absolutely nothing from his absence. except, of course, that isn’t true. his absence has HURT, and it still hurts. it’s underpinned every relationship i’ve ever had, wanted, or lost, every self-harm i’ve ever inflicted, and all of the trauma and attachment wounds which continue to plague me. but there’s no point in trying to seek resolution with someone who is entirely incapable of holding himself to account, so it’s a moot point.

which then begs the question… why the fuck did my inner wise elder suddenly decide that now might be a good time to suggest that i should meet him, give him one final chance before he’s gone forever? he is categorically neither emotionally nor intellectually equipped to meet my need of healing that abandonment trauma. fact. so why the fuck is this coming through now? and will i cause more harm than good if i try? and can i handle that, with all my cracked edges so flimsily held together with bubblegum and sticky tape?

i tried and failed to reconnect with my mum, and only ended up left with a decade more harm to try to heal alone. her only contribution to my sacrificing the life i’d built overseas was for her to tell me to fuck off back there, accuse me of no end of total fantasy, and then gaslight me, sabotaging everything i tried to put in place for her - despite all of those efforts having been at her direct requests each time. it would have been hard to stay abroad and watch her lose her home and end up in State Care, but i genuinely believe my own life would not have crumbled into the wasteland it is now if i had only had the strength to stay away and let her receive the consequences of her actions (as my sister wanted). so why the fuckin fuck would i risk this even less caring ‘primary caregiver’ do the same, and simply blame mum, grandad and me for all his redundancies?

and yet, the wise elder has never yet been wrong.

what the fuck do i do with this one?

[narlernarler]

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[tinygameroom]

Interactive Fiction to Look Out For On Itch.io

itch.io is a trove of interactive fiction games, visual novels, and kinetic novels of all types, and I’ve run into a good handful that I think are worth highlighting (and playing again myself!)

Many of these I haven’t finished yet due to the sheer amount of content or because I went for the ending I wanted straight away, but I’d love to finish them thoroughly and perhaps review some of them in the future. 

A couple notes! First, it’s been a while since I’ve played some of these games, and some of them I haven’t seen all of the paths. I try to give warnings where needed, but my warnings might not be complete as I don’t know absolutely everything in each game. Please check the games’ pages and look after yourself!

Secondly, many of these are available free, and some are for sale at a low minimum price, but I encourage you to supporter the writers, artists, composers and developers in any way you can, whether that’s giving them a follow, donating, or just leaving a nice comment. Supporting indie creators is a huge part of what this blog is about so give back to those who create things you love! Now let’s get into the list!

Visual Novels:

Hikeback is a horror visual novel about hitchhiking, time loops, and murder. It gives a lot of incentive to keep playing and replaying, as the story advances almost every time you start again, with new choices and details being revealed as it all unravels. This game is incredibly engaging and beautifully written, and lives up to the promise of time loops and meta game mechanics. I recommend this for anyone who wants a good spooky, existential story. Be warned of loud noises, jumpscares, glitch effects, blood and violence, abuse, and themes of self harm, suicide, and depression. The itch.io pge has a list of content warnings as well as a full spoilery breakdown of warnings if you need them. You can find Hikeback on itch.io here!

Nothing to Say is a Visual Novel dating sim where you go on a date with Zoe, a girl you really like. The only problem is you’re very, very nervous. In this smart little game, you’ll be limited in how many letters you can use to express yourself, and you’ll have to unlock further dialogue options by getting to know Zoe, being honest with her, and being cute together. You’ll only earn letters from dialogue options once, encouraging you to explore more dialogue each playthrough until you get all the options to fully tell Zoe how you feel. Nothing to Say is playable here on itch.io!

Text-Interactive:

The Three-Body Problem is a queer romance interactive fiction about celestial witches living in a dark, magical wood when they encounter a young stranger. It features a nonbinary character, a potential polyamorous relationship, and healthy dom/sub dynamics. I found this story sweet and charming, with likable characters and pretty, easy to follow story writing. The Three-Body Problem deals with themes of abuse in a compassionate manner, and is in large part about healing and finding people with whom you are safe. I recommend it for anyone wanting a nice queer romance read with fantasy elements. Watch out for themes of abuse and sexual themes. You can purchase The Three-Body Problem on itch.io here for $5 or play a free mobile version from Wattpad!

Raik is a deeply Scottish fantasy melded with reality. You play as a young woman dealing with anxiety and stress trying to make it through her day, while a fantasy world unravels around her. This story has layers, and all of it is beautiful. The portrayal of anxiety is poignant and real, and the writing is gorgeous. I don’t want to say anything else to spoil it, but this game is fantastic. I recommend for anyone who likes to daydream. Please be warned of themes of anxiety, stress, and panic attacks as well as some fantasy violence. You can buy Raik here on itch.io for 3 GDP (or more! Please support the author!)

Space Frog! (I saw a lunar eclipse) is a story of a frog in space. He’s a frog and he’s in space! This is a cute, short interactive fiction with low stakes, no worries, just cute adventures of a frog in space. You can direct frog as he travels and learn more about him. It has adorable illustrations and clickable text that reveals extra flavor information. I recommend to anybody looking for a smile. You can play Space Frog here on itch.io and also download a zine of the game for $2 or more!

Floor is a text-interactive game about lying on the floor. You can lie on the floor, and you can get off the floor. What you do next is up to you! This is a short game with no real stakes, just real life boredom and activities. It may evoke feelings of loneliness or disappointment, but you can also just have some hummus. Floor can be played here on itch.io!

Apple Spice Pancakes is another short game about making pancakes with your sweetie! It’s entirely wholesome and adorable. The game text is all dialogue - the dialogue you read is from your partner, and your choices are your real-time responses to them. You can help them design your perfect breakfast while being disgustingly cute. Apple Spice Pancakes is available here on itch.io!

A Witch’s Word is a romantic text game where you have made a deal with a witch, offering her your firstborn. The only problem is you don’t have a child. Or a partner. The witch is here to help. Explore three potential relationships as your witch continues to introduce you to new sweethearts, trying to find someone who you are willing to love and who is willing to give up your child. And if you don’t want any of these people the witch offers you... maybe play the game anyway. See what can happen. A Witch’s Word is available here on itch.io!

Other:

Novena is an interactive poem! It’s a pixel art game that you navigate around, interacting with parts of the environment to read through the poem, which is about the ocean, and wishes, and expectations. And compassion. It has absolutely stunning visuals and music, and the poem makes me cry each time. Be warned of some really heavy feelings, but it will do its best to comfort you. The poem takes about five minutes to read and is here on itch.io waiting for you.

I hope a few of these games are of interest to you and that I’ve inspired you to support these great indie developers! If you wanna support me and see more articles and reviews on indie games, or encourage me as I learn to make my own, you can follow me here and on itch.io and support me with donations on ko-fi! Please reblog if you like this article, since tumblr will make it very hard to find with all these links. Have a great day and play some good games!

[wrenhyperfixates]

Not a Trick

Pairing: Loki x con artist!reader Summary: Loki wins Thor’s money back after you swindle him in a street con. Warnings: none I believe A/N: Requested by @lemonbars-and-fingerguns. Hope you enjoy!

Permanent Tag List: @lucywrites02 @frostedgiant @lunarmoon8 @twhiddlestonsstuff @lokistan @lowkeyorlokificrecs @gaitwae @whatafuckingdumbass @castiels-majestic-wings @kozkaboi @cozy-the-overlord​ @birdgirl90 @myraiswack @mythicalgarlicknot @what-a-flammable-heart​ @marvelouslovely @laurenandloki @fallinallinmendes @sophlubbwriting​ @mooncat163​ 

Disclaimer: Gif not mine

“Loki!” Thor called in a whiny tone, drawing out the vowels.

“Yes, brother,” Loki sighed.

There was a reason he disliked going out with the God of Thunder. Ever since they’d both moved to Midgard, Loki’s older brother had decided to start acting like just that—a brother. He’d insisted they do practically everything together, making up for the last century or so when they’d both been forced into competition for the throne. Now he realized Loki was always supportive of him, and he wanted to be there for Loki.

On the one hand, Loki was overjoyed. On the other, he was beyond pissed. Thor was just a bit... overly friendly, to put it nicely. Or, as nicely as Loki could manage through his annoyance. Clingy as he was, Thor had good intentions, and Loki saw that, appreciated it, so he didn’t say anything. He sorely missed his alone time, though, which he now barely had.

“I’ve been robbed!”

Loki sighed once more, shaking his head. He was certain there was more to the story than that. No way the lumbering thunder god merely had his wallet picked off of him or something. “And how exactly did that happen?”

“See that table over there?” Loki nodded in affirmation. “Well, they have this game to play, keep your eye on the cards as they shuffle. I saw three people go before me and they all won! But I lost! Five times!”

Loki wasn’t sure what to make of that. Perhaps his brother was just being imbecilic, unobservant. Or maybe he actually was tricked. Honestly, Loki had a nose for those kinds of things, and he felt like perhaps that was the case here. He wanted to write it off, but admittedly, his interest had been piqued.

“Alright,” was all he said before walking in the direction Thor had pointed.

The blond god trailed behind him, perking up a bit now that his brother was on the case. He did always have a knack for these kinds of things, outsmarting others with his tricks and the like.

“Excuse me,” Loki said, clearing his throat after waiting his turn. It seemed you had been swindling people after all, he learned as he watched you work.

“Sorry, sweethearts,” you said with a honey voice, remembering Thor from moments ago. “No refunds.”

“And who said we were requesting one?” You eyed him distrust fully as he sat down. “My brother lost against you, but that is par for the course-”

“Hey!” Thor chimed in, but Loki put up a hand to silence him.

“-while I am not so easily confused. Now, I believe I am meant to set the stakes?”

He put down the same amount of money Thor had lost and then some. Your eyes widened in disbelief. There was a bit of a crowd now, both your shills and people you’d already tricked. There was no way you could turn this man down. You felt like he had some tricks of his own up his sleeve, but how could you resist?

“Right. So you know the rules then? If I win, I keep your bet; if you win, I double it.”

“Yes. So, shall we begin?”

You frowned at his grin. “Ok. Keep your eye on the ace of spades.”

You began to shuffle the cards quickly and sometimes all three at once. Still, he caught the exact moment you switched the card with the one in your sleeve. To the inexperienced eye, he could see how it would go unnoticed. Unfortunately for you, the god had magic on his side. Loki smirked as you told him it was time to pick the card.

“Darling, you could have at least made it hard,” he tsked, pointing at the leftmost option. “This one.”

“Sorry, but-”

You abruptly cut off when you flipped the card to find it was, in fact, the ace of spades. Frowning, you furrowed your brow.

“May I have my winnings now or shall we play again,” he smiled.

“You cheated,” you accused, voice low and leaning across the table towards him.

“So did you,” he shot back, matching your pitch.

The two of you engaged in a mini staring contest, a battle of your wills. “Fine. Take it,” you begrudged, tossing his money towards him.

“Yes!” Thor boomed. “Do not mess with the Avengers! Especially not when it is the Odinson brothers.”

Your eyes widened. “Y-you two are avengers?” you asked in disbelief and worry.

“We are. And I am not too sure this ‘business’ you have here is legitimate.”

“Brother,” Loki cautioned while reimbursing the others gathered who had lost their money. Noticeably, your friends had run off. At least his time with Thor had expanded his vocabulary, though. “You got your money back, did you not?”

“Yes, but tell me this is not a scam. How many others can we allow them to- Wait. Where did they go?”

Loki looked to see you running down the sidewalk. “Leave it.”

“But-”

“Leave it,” Loki snapped a bit harsher. “They are not doing any real harm. You do not know their situation.”

“Fine. But we at least deserve some celebratory ice cream.”

Loki sighed once more, staring off after you. “Lead the way.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You set a brisk pace as you went home that evening. The rest of the day had been fairly unprofitable, as you had to lie low after a couple of pesky avengers messed with your business. It wasn’t like being a con-artist was your first choice in careers, but that was always how your dad provided for your family growing up. One thing led to another, and there you were, jobless and without any profitable skill besides what your father had taught you. Still, you’d probably gotten too big for your britches when you scammed Thor. You had your reasons, though.

Locking the door of your tiny apartment, you were surprised to see a certain raven haired man standing there. “You,” you glared, tossing your keys into the dish on your table.

“Yes, me,” he replied, pulling you by your belt loops into a kiss. “Hello, darling.”

“Hi, sweetheart. I’m still mad at you.”

“I am truly sorry, but you did trick my brother,” he said, giving you as much space as possible on the old, small couch. “It was funny, I admit, but he is trying for me, so it only seems fair I try for him. I hope you know I would never have let him actually do anything to or report you.”

“Yeah, I know.” You scooted closer, the anger already dissipating. Loki helped you out more than you cared to admit; he was the reason you even met rent these past few months. Of course you wanted to pay him back, but he insisted there was no need. Still, that didn’t mean you wouldnt’t try.

He pulled you onto his lap, giving your temple a kiss. “Good. You are even better at acting than I thought, my darling, pretending you did not even recognize us and all,” he chuckled. “Though I am still wondering why you picked my brother as your target.”

“Well, how else was I supposed to get your attention,” you pouted, hating to admit it. “You haven’t come around all week.”

“I am sorry. I suppose Thor deserved it then; he is the one who has been keeping me busy. Though, I did have an idea about that.”

You wiggled around his arms, so you could face him. You usually liked his ideas, particularly when it was his trickster side talking. “Oh? Do tell.”

“Come work in the Tower. I think we could use someone with your skills on the team. Plus, we would have more time with each other.”

You blinked in surprise at the suggestion. It wasn’t an entirely bad one, but you were on the fence. “Well... Maybe. I’ll have to think about it.”

“Take your time, darling. I will always be here for you, regardless,” he said, gazing into your eyes and beginning to lean in for another kiss. “And that is not a trick.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”