#and i kind of dont want it to continue? i feel like a shitty friend not talking or interacting or hanging out

[evandore]

hm

[miya-rin]

“what the fuck do you two think youre doing?”

shit, you think, you didnt notice the balcony door had been slid open until you heard the voice of one of your brothers. you start to pull away from suna’s lips which earns you a small whine from his end, his grip tightens around you and honestly it its quite cute the way he is trying so hard to savour the moment. “come back later, we’re kinda busy.” the boy mutters before trying to move your face away from the distraction so that he can kiss you once more.

“suna you get your hands off of her right now, i dont give a fuck that its your birthday.” osamu pipes up, he looks furious and a little bit disgusted, if it hadnt been for the situation youre in right now you would think its kind of funny.

“samu lay off him, it was a mutual agreement, im just as guilty as he is ok?” that does not seem to help the boys understand, if anything they seem even more angry with you both.

“what the fuck do you mean it was a mutual agreement? are you two hooking up or something? yn he just turned 18 a few hours ago are you forgetting that?” atsumu says, he is rambling on with every excuse he can think of as to why this is “so wrong”, from the corner of your eye you can see suna trying so very hard to hide the grin that is creeping its way onto his face, his hands still all over you despite the fact that you arent alone anymore.

“listen, it was his birthday wish ok? i swear it didn’t mean anything,” sunas grip begins to loosen ever so slightly, “i just though it would get him off my back and get him over his little crush on me.” suna’s facial expression shifts but you choose to ignore it, you have bigger problems to deal with at the moment.

“no this is not ok, how would you feel if me or samu kissed one of your friends because it was their birthday wish?”

“that’s different, why would my friends want to kiss either of you?”

“excuse me? ill have you know that many women want to kiss me! and dont think youre getting off the hook either suna, ill make sure you never-“ you dont even want to hear the threat that is about to come out of his mouth, you just want to get out of this shitty situation.

“boys please, just give us five minutes to talk and then we will be back inside ok? i promise.” your efforts to plead with your brothers finally work.

“…fine,” atsumu mumbles, “but this better be a one time thing. im not gonna deal with you two being all lovey dovey around me.” and with that he lightly tugs on osamu’s sleeve, signalling him to walk back inside and continue the party. he closes the balcony door but not before bringing two fingers up to his eyes and then pointing them at the two of you. its a warning.

you turn back to suna and notice the sad look on his face - he looks kinda cute like this, “so, what do-“.

“did you really mean what you just said to them?” the poor boy looks heartbroken, after waiting three years to finally have a chance with the girl he loves wants the moment is ruined like that? “did you actually just do that so i would leave you alone?” his hands fully leave your body now and he takes a step back to put some distance between you two.

“well i mean sort of yeah… ive never looked at you in any way other than my brothers best friend if im going to be honest, i dont know if thats because of the age difference or what but ive never thought we could be anything.” the look of hurt is prominent on his face no matter how hard he tries to hide it, normally playful banter would have been thrown back and forth between the two of you but rintarou just stays silent, an indication that youve fucked up.

“listen suna i dont know what you want me to say, i wasnt really thinking when i said that to atsumu it just came out. i am 4 years older than you and many people would not approve of us if i decided to give you a chance.”

“who cares? i could treat you so right if you would just let me. i have waited entirely too long for this moment, all im asking for is one date.”

“you said that about the kiss too, one thing is never enough with you is it? you always need more.” a playful smile creeps onto your face which is outshined by the one on sunas, he knows that your smile means that you agree to go on a date with him.

“i really hope you arent fucking with me right now, that would be so cruel, especially on my birthday.”

“oh give the birthday excuse a rest now will you? you dont need to keep on at me you have already got what you want.”

“mhm i absolutely have,” he walks closer and once again wraps his arms around you, placing a hand under your jawbone to make you look up at him, “and i couldnt be happier.” he states as he pulls you in for a passionate kiss once more <3

[smoshyourheadin]

Sunshine and Soda Cans

Part 3 - Refreshing

“oh my god tell me EVERYTHING”

angela runs up to you as she hears your keys in the door, practically tackling you for information.

“okay! okay! so, well, we were editing, and then we streamed, and then i drove him to his apartment, and we kissed, and i dont know!” you retort, flopping down on the couch. “also wheres that ice-cream?” you ask her with puppy dog eyes.

“oh shoot yeah! ill grab it,” she scurries off for a minute, and returns with two bowls of vanilla ice-cream topped with strawberry slices. “here you are m’lady”

you hiss as your skin touches the cold bowl

“okay, so, how did it happen? was it good? do you think he likes you?” she begins to spew questions at you.

“one at a time jelly, jeez! okay so , it happened when we were outside his apartment, yes it was good, and i think so? maybe? i hope so at least.”

“well,” she says with a huf “if he doesn't like you he’s missing out!”

you giggle at her, and turn on tangled for the hundredth time this month, it’s your guys’ favourite. you curl up together under a blanket, and drift off.

the weekend goes on pretty smoothly, you and angela just hanging out. then monday comes around.

“cmon (y/n/n) wake up! we’re gonna be late!” you feel the mattress dipping, and rub your eyes.

“huh-“ you reply groggily, and then you realise whats happening

“ANGELA STOP JUMPING ON MY BED!” you laugh at her energy, as she flops down beside you. managing to hoist yourself out if bed, you throw on a sweatshirt and linen pants. on the way to the office, you guys stop at coffee bean for smoothies, which angela almost spills everywhere.

walking into the office, you spot spencer and give him a sweet smile. but he freezes up and just walks away.

what?

you shrug it off, and continue on through the day.

at around 2, you’re about to start shooting an aitah video with spencer and, obviously, shayne. but spencer is being really avoidant, not looking at you while kiana tells you about the shoot. so you chase him up just before the shoot, because you don’t want that tension on screen

“spencer hey,” you jog up to him in the kitchen as he grabs a mt dew kickstart. “whats up? why are you being weird with me? have i done something?” you look into his eyes as you ask him, and you can see his sadness.

“no, i just, i don't know…” he starts to trail off “i just feel like i forced you to kiss me when you didnt want to and i feel really shitty about it and i-”

“hey,” you gently grab his hands “it’s okay, it was nice. i liked it” you smile, and kiss him on the cheek, turning away to go get ready for the shoot. you feel the heat in your cheeks.

during the shoot, you and spencer share the chunky knit blanket as shayne reads you some of the most outrageous stories you’ve ever heard, and you wonder how people online are comfortable enough to say this kind of stuff

afterwards, as you begin to leave, spencer catches up with you.

“(y/n)!” he shouts, catching up with you at your desk while you pack your bag “so um, i was wondering, and obviously feel free to say no, um, if you’d want to go to the fair with me on friday night?” he looks nervous, almost as if he feels he shouldn't ask you.

“yeah, yeah that’d be nice” you smile at him, and his eyes light up at your statement. he thanks you, and says he’ll text you about it later. walking outside, you meet angela and hop in the car.

“what’s got you in a good mood? you’re only ever this quiet when you’re happy. what happened? DID SPENCER-” she begins to interrogate you as you pull out of the lot

“yes, it’s to do with spencer. he asked me on a date.”

angela gasps so loud you swear she could break glass.

“OHMYGOD FINALLY!! I THOUGHT HE WAS IGNORING YOU THIS MORNING BUT HE WAS PROBABLY JUST NERVOUS OH MY GOSH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!” she bounces in her seat, rattling the car. you laugh, leaning away from the hyperactive puppy of a best friend you have.

over the next few days, you and spencer start hanging out a lot more and get a lot closer. you find yourselves sharing longing gazes across rooms, staying up late into the night just talking about life, and discovering things about each other you didn't know. each moment you spend together feels like a lifetime, the bond between you two deepening with every laugh. and then you realise something. you wanted to spend all you time with him.

fuck.

friday evening rolls around, and you’re sat at your desk finishing an edit, and waiting for arasha to bring you a coffee, when spencer walks over to you. his hair is messy, and he’s wearing a plaid shirt tucked in his worn in dickies, with a denim jacket over the top. he looks beautiful.

“you ready to go?” he says, cocking his head slightly

“just give me a minute, im just finishing up this edit and arasha’s bringing me coffee. but feel free to hang out here while i finish up!” you say looking up at him with a smile.

you finish the edit, and arasha walks over with courtney and shayne, and coffee in her hand.

“sup lovers! (y/n) here’s your overly sweet coffee,” she sets it down on your desk, then taking a sip of her own “so, big plans tonight spencer? you’re dressed up…” arasha says slyly, raising an eyebrow

“i mean if taking (y/n) on a date is big plans then, i guess so” spencer smiles at her

“HA! I KNEW IT! IAN AND YOU OWE ME 10 BUCKS EACH” courtney fist pumps the air, and shoves shayne in the shoulder

“ugh why do you always have to be right! you suck!” he dejectedly pulls a 10 dollar note out of his back pocket, and she pinches it with a “thank-you!”. you just look at them all, mouth agape.

“you placed bets on this!?” you look at courtney in shock.

“i mean, obviously. i knew you liked him, but we placed bets on how long it would take for anything to happen. my guess was a month and a week and hey, here we are”

“huh, weirdly specific but… go you!” you smirk at her, standing up to slide your jacket on.

“well, if you’ll exuse us, we have oversized bears to win” spencer smirks and holds his hand out for you to take, as you walk out the office together.

“awh,” tommy says, walking up to the three of them who were lingering near your desk “they’re so cute together!”

“sup nerds, what are we talking about?” ian jumps in

“ian give me my 10 dollars, spencer and (y/n) are going on a date as we speak” she grins at him

“ughhhhhh, fineeeeeeeee. you’re the worst court”

you and spencer hop in the car, and drive off to the fair, and as soon as you arrive, you run and buy a tub of cotton candy.

as you walk around, arms linked with spencer, you drag him to all the shitty games that you’re convinced are rigged.

“what!! no i definitely hit that one!” you stomp your feet like an upset child at the coconut shy, frowning because you didn’t get the giant giraffe teddy.

“watch this” spencer says confidently, and you gawk at him as he hits all the targets perfectly.

“how the hell did you manage that!” you say in amazement

he just laughs and passes you the giraffe “years of playing video games sometimes pays off”

you take the giraffe, and decide to call it amanda. so obviously, you send her a picture

//

amanderp 😚

———

you: [picture of you and the giraffe]

you: guess what i named it

amanderp 😚: giraffey?

you: nope, meet amanda ;)

amanderp 😚: omg i love you!! can she live at your desk? i want to meet her 😆😆

you: of course! i’ll bring her in on monday :))

//

you and spencer continue to sort of just walk around, giggling with eachother. as the night comes to a close, you get on the ferris wheel.

“its so pretty up here” you look out across the fair, the lights dancing over peoples faces as you sit at the top.

“yeah, makes you realise how pretty other things are” you turn to look at him, and he’s already looking at you. he looks at your lips, then back into your eyes. you close the distance between you both, pressing your lips together sofly, bringing your hand up to his hair and gently running your fingers through his curls. you break it apart, foreheads presses together, and he giggles

“hey whats funny!” you pout, sitting up and looking him in the eyes

“you taste like cotton candy. you taste like you. just overly sweet.”

you cant help but smile, leaning on his shoulder and lacing your fingers together. he looks down at you, and in that moment, you became his sunshine.

——————————

a/n: AHHH ITS FINISHED!! thank you all so much for the love on this series, it was so fun to write and it’s been so nice seeing your guys’ comments 💛💛 requests are open <3

[ronkeyroo]

A positive Update

Friends, kind folk - Hello Again 🤍

Ever since my last update post, I've been thinking about it , a lot ;; I knew I needed time to cook and reflect, and im so glad I gave myself that...

2024 started rough for me; I fell severely ill again - I was too busy cursing my life and dwelling over how betrayed I felt by things still not getting better despite my efforts that I didn't realize I was walking into a self fulfilling prophecy. Its true that the struggles I'm going through are yet to be solved, that its gotten so much to the point giving up seemed easier, and that a couple individuals haven't been making it easier on me either; I swayed and i rattled and I steered within feelings ranging from confusion to anger to dismay and all of this back and forth did nothing but remind me of yet another self-destructive loop I just don't want to allow in my life anymore. Its exactly the kinda stuff that made me ill to begin with, and I've been so lost dealing with everything in between that i forgot to tend to the actual core centering all of this...

It grew unbearable how much emotional and physical turmoil I was pushing myself into, and knowing how intertwined these two elements have been; I had to draw a line before i majorly screwed myself over, gathering any bit of inner will to discipline myself back into some sort of clarity, enough to at least look through a lens OUTSIDE my pain for once, towards the kind of life I want to lead, and the kind of life I don't; and I came to an understanding.

From my physical state to my mental, to the people and memories I've experienced, both the good and the bad - I want to prioritize the good.

Not in a shitty ass, toxic optimism kinda way but in a "I want to prioritize knowing and living the possibility that even when it hurts, even when i want to be gone, even when life doesn't align - There's still every good reason in the world to keep moving forward, to face things from a perspective of growth & compassion, and to grow to love the promise of a better tomorrow even when today was unbearable." To know that I don't end or begin in my suffering, that the infinite potential I speak so fondly of applies to me, as well...

I want to be able to wield and create and share that goodness, too, Especially when it is already in decline...And for all gods sake, to internalize that all of this STILL exists and STILL matters even when it doesn't work the first couple or dozens of times.

As for my place here in Tumblr...I know the sentiment might feel silly to some but the experiences, memories, and connections I've made here have truly been such a significant force in my life, and i don't want to give up on that ;; Not because of my own insecurities, or an inner state of hopelessness, and especially not over a bunch of emotionally immature Anons that dont know how to handle themselves; I want to forgive all of that.

I'm stubborn, and there's an unyielding force within me that no matter how many times it is struck down, it proved itself ridiculously resilient. I'm perking up with with a fiery confidence realizing just how many times it rose back up, enough to realize it is an unchangeable part of me ;_; I shouldn't underestimate that force, and I want to keep living by its side. Whatever positive change I can sprinkle onto my life and the lives of those I care for, I will! And the reason why this space in particular is so important to me, is because so much of that already exists here, alongside you folks;

THAT'S the kind of energy i want to nourish and walk into the new year with! I want to continue growing as a person, challenging my inner turmoils, undoing the self punishing dogmas that still haunt me, stop flexing my teeth over things that don't deserve my time and god DAMN, just - indulge in the stuff that makes me happy, even when I'm going through unhappy times.

So yeah...I guess that means, I'm back & I'm staying ;_;)🧡

I know i may seem like a broken record when it comes to expressing gratitude but - Thank you, thank you thank you everyone who have reached out for me, who so fondly kept me in their thoughts and kept encouraging me whenever i was hurting, both then and now...You folks mean more than whatever ailment or struggle I can go through, and while I'm unsure of how the future will look like as I'm still going through various challenges- I couldn't have asked for a cooler, sweeter audience to have by my side whenever Its time to take a rest or hype over our sexy delicious blorbos!

Speaking of which....................I have been cooking quite a lot of things in the time i was away 👀✨ I most definitely intend to serve them, eheheh

[sukiipjs]

✮ BLONDIE : PT 1

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

↳ nick sturniolo x masc reader

↳ words - 2239

↳ summary - you’ve been having a hard time realizing and accepting the fact that you’re gay, and in love with your best friend. you try to ignore the feelings but that only makes everything worse until you can’t hide it anymore.

↳ contains - swearing, angst, use of y/n, internalized homophobia, depression, crying, idk??? [READ PT 2 - PT 3]

↳ song - blondie by current joys

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

nick has been my best friend for years, he’s always been there for me, and me there for him. we met in the first grade when he saw me alone at recess on the swings and he ran up to me, asking if i wanted to play with him and his brothers. one of the many things i love about him, hes always there, always there to help, or just be with. from that day on he’s always been my number one but honestly, i’ve been kind of avoiding him lately.

of course i don’t want to, i really really don’t want to, trust me, but i don’t want to make anything bad between us either. even though pushing him away is probably fucking things up anyway.

the thing is, for months, maybe even years now i think that i might be coming to a realization: i think i’m gay, or not gay but bi? i hate labels, i dont want to be put into a box, its honestly just hard to fit into one too. i mean i’ve had girlfriends before and i’ve liked that, but nick…

okay i might be coming to another realization: i think i’m in love with nick. and to make everything worse, i can’t even talk to anyone about this because the only person i would tell is nick, but if i told him, well i just cant, it could destroy our friendship. he’d hate me, i cant lose him.

but maybe i’m not in love with him, i mean i love nick, i always have but maybe its not love love? maybe its just me appreciating our friendship more. okay who am i kidding it’s definitely becoming more, I LOVE HIM. he’s just perfect, in general, to me, to everyone. i want to spend every moment of my life with him, i want to hug him and never let him go, i want to be with him, i just want to see him again.

i can’t even imagine what he’d say if he knew i liked him. he’d probably be disgusted, i’d ruin our friendship forever. i cant do that, i can’t risk anything like that, i need him even if that means the best thing i can do is just stay away, make up lies of why i cant hang out, slowly stop texting him, i mean maybe it's not the best thing but its either i do this and try and force these feelings down or i tell him and ruin everything. this is better, or at least that’s what i keep telling myself.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

nick 🫶

| wanna hang out today? haven’t seen you in forever, i’m boredddd

| i know i’m sorry, but i cant today, really really sorry. still not feeling good

| that’s okay, hope you feel better though 💕 if you need anything tell me okay?

| i’d rather hang out with you and get sick then spend one more second with my idiot brothers over here 💀

i stare at the message on my screen, i’m not sick, i’m just trying to be a good friend… by avoiding my best friend… sure, whatever.

i slam down my phone on my mattress, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. muffled screams from my mouth as tears, start to pour from my eyes. every time i message him, saying i cant hang out i immediately regret it. i want to see him, i always do but again, i cant, i fucking cant. it would only make my feelings stronger and i just need to get rid of them as soon as i can so things can just go back to how they were.

fuck, here comes the spiral that ive been replaying in my head forever. do i even really like him? am i really bi, gay, straight, whatever the fuck? i don’t even know, it’s all too confusing and stressful right now. why can’t i just be me? and have my best friend with me again? actually hang out with him, see him?

all i can really do right now is continue screaming and crying into my pillow about how much of a shitty friend i’m being, great. I constantly stalk his instagram, trying to see if i do really like him and try to see what he’s up to without me, i miss him so much.

…i wish he was a girl then i would be straight and all this shit wouldn’t hurt so much. i’m not trying to say that being gay is bad, all i’m saying is that it would be easier to figure all this out if i was straight and he was a girl. i know that’s so messed up to say but i don’t know how else to put it.

if he was a girl, i’d know that i’m in love with him, i wouldn’t be so afraid to accept myself because there wouldn’t be anything to accept. i’d just be me and he’d she’d be him her, i’d get to be his her boyfriend and we’d be a happy couple. i’d be happy and i wouldn’t have to push the person i love most in this stupid world away…

i smash my face into my silky white pillowcase over and over, shaking my head as i force the sides of the pillow into my face more. i want to suffocate.

i scream into my pillow more and more. ‘i love you nick, i love you nick, i love you. i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you… but i do, i really really do, but i cant… i really really fucking cant.’

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i stay rotting in my bed, spiraling about random shit, taking random quizzes of ‘am i gay?’ or ‘am i in love with my bestfriend?’ or ‘is it a crush?’ like i know.

soft blankets cover me, my silky pillows supporting my back as i rewatch rupaul's drag race on my computer until i finish it again, oreos and empty dr pepper cans surround me. and of course, nick always in my mind, everything reminding me of him, those stupid quizzes, his favorite show, his favorite drink. i wish he could be here, like how we used to hang out before i started ruining everything but i could be ruining it more, at least im keeping my mouth shut.

every once and a while, a message from nick pops up. him sending me a tiktok or telling me about how spacecamp is going or just something random, asking how im doing, if im still sick. most times i try to ignore him, turning off the notifications but i answer sometimes, only one or two words, maybe just an emoji, just trying to say something. i don’t want him to think i hate him or anything, i still of course love him.

the only time i ever get up from my bed is to go the the bathroom or get more food, ive been wearing the same two sweatpants alternating them and random shirts that i throw on the floor after i wear them for enough. my hair shaggy and a scratchy stubble on my face. i look and feel gross. i didnt think that forcing my best friend away and trying to figure out my sexuality could make me this depressed, who knew.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

weeks pass of me ignoring (or at least trying to ignore) nick and weeks of screaming into my sheets and sleeping all day become more and more. i finally decide to leave my apartment and stock up on some random things that will help me rot in my room even more: coffee, chips, oreos, whatever else i might want.

as i scan the aisle for dr pepper, standing in my gray hoodie with the hood covering me and one of the two sweatpants i’ve been wearing on, i hear a voice at the end of the row calling to me, “y/n?” my head turns to see who knows me that’s here, about to see how disgusting i look and just my luck, it’s nick.

“nick” a bright smile floods my face, i haven’t seen him for what seems like forever, i look at his blonde hair with grown out brunette roots, plus that signature nose ring and star earrings, of course he looks great.

he runs up to me, giving me a warm hug as he smiles too, “oh my god i haven’t seen you in decadessss” he exaggerates, laughing at me, “you feeling better now?” i tilt my head a little, confused but then i remember my lie. “oh yeah, i am. even though i dont look it” i try to scoff a laugh, looking down at myself, excusing how ‘i dont care’ i look right now.

“you look fine.” he laughs back again, “you know… me, chris and matt were gonna go out for dinner soon, wanna come?” i can tell he really wants me to be there and i really want to but i try to push it away, still.

“uhhh, i think had something later, sorry” my small smile slowly fading as his does too, i don’t think i’ve seen his smile leave that fast. “really? we haven’t talked in weeks, i miss you” he jokes a little, but really we do miss each other.

“i know, i’m sorry, but i promise we’ll hang out soon yeah?” i try to fake a small smile, trying to make this a little better but nick still looks sad, “yeah okay, see you later then?” he looks like he hates me, he looks just annoyed, hurt. i feel terrible.

“yeah, later” i’m about to walk closer to give him another hug but he leaves, to i assume go find his brothers, before i can. i’m terrible.

i finish up grabbing my things before leaving and driving off, replaying our interaction in my head. i could’ve just went? it was one dinner, that’s all. not a big deal. but it’s too late, it would just be weird if my schedule suddenly cleared up now.

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i make my way back to my apartment, putting my bags down on the counter before going straight to my room again, flopping down on top of the pile of blankets and stuffed animals that cover my bed.

i dig in my pocket for my phone, taking it out as i grab a blanket to pull it over my face, closing off the sun that shines through my window.

i go straight to me and nicks messages, thinking of texting him. ‘i’m sorry’ too short, plain. ‘sorry, i was wrong i can go’ feels like i’m pitying him, plus just dumb. ‘i love you’ yeah definitely not. ‘come over? sorry’ again, stupid and he can NOT see the mess i have over here.

i decide on nothing and put my phone to the side of me, burying my head into my pillows again, tears flooding my eyes again again again. it’s too much. this is all stupid and i need to get over it all. this is terrible.

i go back to my cycle of curling up in warm blankets, eating my now new oreos and dr pepper and rewatching shows i’ve seen a million times before. and obviously stalking nicks instagram, he posted a story of him and his brothers at dinner. he’s still wearing those earrings and that same beige jacket he was wearing before, and he still looks great.

i swipe up, about to message him. ‘you look great, sorry i couldn’t come’ i quickly delete it and just like the story. i need to stop trying to message him when i’m trying to ignore him.

₊ ° .☆ °:. *₊

after falling asleep shortly after i finished looking at nicks story i wake up to like five texts from who? nick, of course.

nick 🫶

| are you ignoring me?

| like did i do something or what?

| are you okay?

| can we just talk or hang out please?

| y/n?

| okay sorry actually, never mind

my heart drops, i feel so TERRIBLE. nick did nothing and i never want him to think that he did something wrong. he’s perfect.

i pick up my phone to respond but honesty i don’t know if i should… i want him to know that he did nothing but he’s right about me ignoring him… fuck this. i just ignore him, still.

i shut off my phone fast and roll to my other side, curling up my legs and staring at the small textured bumps on the off-white wall that i face. i take in every detail, trying to distract myself with something else. i spot all the tiny discolorations or stains on the wall, the way it all starts to blur when tears, again, rain out my eyes.

they drip on the curves of my cheeks and lips, my hands are tucked under my legs as he tears drop onto my sheets, i don’t bother wiping them off. they make a small circle ish shape when it hits on my bed with a darker gray on my gray sheets.

my spiraling hits again when the ridges on my wall go dark as my eyes close. why can’t my best friend just be my best friend? why can’t i just be a normal person? why can’t i just forget it all? why can’t this all just go away? why? why? why? why?

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

taglist : @slutforchriss @mattsleftnipple03 @mattsdinosweater @ccolleenn @mixvchelle @leah-loves-lilies @sturn-wrld @redz0nez9 @cheriematt @freshloveforthefit @nickuniversity @whore4matt @txssvx @will-yummy

[halsteadlover]

Eye For An Eye

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader.

• Requested by anon: Hi. I dont know if you have seen Greys Anatomy, but my request is if you could write Jay and the reader in the season 6 finale of Greys. With the reader being in Dereks place(she can be a surgeon) and Jay in Merediths. He doesnt have a gun on him when it happens, so he cant protect them. And instead of Christina, Its Will who does the surgery on Y/N. So I dont know if you have seen it, or if you are completly confused, but if you have, it would mean alot😊

• Warnings: blood, curse words, gunshots

• Word count: 7138.

• A/N: I think this is the longest piece I've ever written and as always it's shitty 💀 I'm sorry for how this turned out but I hope you'll like it. Let me know what do you think, like, comment and reblog if you want 💞 Love you all and thank you for your support.

Each person has a different way of doing, of thinking, of acting. Each situation is different from another and for each one there is a different way of reacting. When you’re happy there are those people who jump of joy, there are those who cry, those who cannot stop laughing or clapping their hands. When you are sad there are people who withdraw into themselves, those who prefer the company of some friends or their partner, those who don’t let themselves be discouraged.

But when you lose a loved one, this is a very broad discourse, difficult to enclose in just few lines, but even in this case each person has their own reaction, their own way of dealing with pain. There are those who cry desperately, those who scream since the pain of the loss is so strong because this is a kind of pain that tears inside you, tears your heart out; there are those who seem impassive, just because they need to metabolize, they don’t cry, they don’t scream, don’t despair, they remain there sitting in a corner to mull over what happened, what was going on.

During your career as a surgeon you had – unfortunately you'd dare to say – the opportunity to witness all kinds of reactions from a family member to the loss of their loved one. You were always understanding, ready to do anything to try and ease the pain those people were feeling even though you knew they hated you at the time since you were the person who gave them the worst news of their life. You thought you had seen everything but, damn it, how wrong you were, how wrong you were in having taken the arrogance of being able to think you knew the human being in its complicated and absurd interest. As already mentioned, every person has his own type of reaction in relation to a certain situation but never in your life, not even for a second, you would’ve thought the death of a patient could also have been the cause of yours.

“Doctor Y/LN, the patient is in atrial fibrillation,” a nurse had warned. You were in the midst of a brain operation on a woman, Ellen Hopkins, a 50-year-old lady who had a meningioma, a benign brain tumor but which, given its location and size, was quite dangerous to remove and carried high risks.

“The patient has her skull open, a wrong movement and I could make her paralyzed for life” you replied, the forceps and the electric scalpel in your hands while you were concentrating on the patient’s brain. “Two milligrams of Amiodarone, fast!”.

“The fibrillation persists,” you commented, lifting your eyes for a moment and placing them on the monitor the patient was connected to. “Damn it!” you exclaimed, putting down the surgical instruments and approaching the patient’s chest “Let’s carry out a cardioversion!”

“Charge at 200!”

Nothing.

“250!”

Still nothing, the fibrillation persisted as the patient’s values plummeted dramatically.

“350! And call cardiology!”

Not being able to use defibrillation again, you continued with the cardiac massage while waiting for a cardiothoracic surgeon to arrive in the operating room.

But Mrs. Ellen died on that operating table before someone even arrived.

“Damn it,” you cursed, taking a deep sigh and looking at the clock “Time of death, 16:33.”

Informing relatives was never an easy thing to do, you never got used to it, and that didn’t change even when you had to inform Mrs. Ellen Hopkins’ husband, Bill. You explained to him how the surgery had gone, you answered his questions, you told him you did everything possible to save his wife but that, unfortunately, she hadn’t made it.

Bill was petrified, speechless. Not a single sound came out of his mouth, not a single word, not a single tear came out of his eyes. He remained impassive, unable to process the information he had just been given. He just looked at you, straight in the eye, for a few moments before turning his gaze and walking away.

You watched him go and it was in vain to try to call his name and speak to him. You sighed deeply, running your hands over your face in frustration, blaming yourself for just ruining that man’s life. You couldn’t even imagine how he must feel at that moment, so you didn’t blame his reaction, as already mentioned, everyone had their own way of reacting to such devastating news.

As you used to do after surgery, you holed up in the doctors’ ward, ignoring everything and everyone and continuing to reflect on that surgery and what you could’ve done differently to save that woman.

And you stayed there all afternoon, until the evening, until your shift was over. They all tried to cheer you up, Connor, Will, April, to tell you it wasn’t your fault but right now you didn’t even want to hear those words, at least not from them. You just wanted Jay and one of his hugs.

Jay had been your boyfriend for almost four and a half years now and given your hectic lifestyles, being you a surgeon and him a cop, it was sometimes difficult for you to even see each other even if you were living together.

That evening it was enough for him to see you come out of the hospital doors to understand there was something wrong with you. He understood it from the way you walked at a slow pace, from the way you had your head down and your eyes on the ground.

“My love,” he began, getting up from his car on which he was leaning and walking towards you. When he finished his shift early, he always used to pick you up at the hospital or wait there until your shift ended too.

A small smile rose on your lips when you saw him, beautiful as the sun. The instant relief you felt when you saw him was something magnificent, it was amazing how even just that was enough to make you feel better.

“Hi baby,” you greeted him, immediately wrapping your arms around his chest and hugging him tightly. His arms encircled your shoulders and he too squeezed you tightly, knowing right away that you needed it right now.

“Baby are you okay? What happened?” he immediately asked in a worried tone as his hand gently stroked your head.

“Can we talk about this later? I just want to go home and forget about this day.”

Jay understood but didn't insist any further, leaving your space and knowing that when you were ready you’d tell him everything.

He slightly broke away from that embrace and with his hands he cupped your face, stroking your cheeks with his thumbs. Without saying anything he kissed you, a chaste, sweet and delicate kiss you didn't even realize you needed until then.

“Has anyone dared to bother my princess? Do I have to beat the shit out of someone?” Jay asked in a menacing tone and expression, in an attempt to cheer you up. He smiled when you giggled, knowing he had succeeded and that, in reality, he was serious about this, as he wouldn’t hesitate even for a second to punch anyone who really dared to hurt you.

“No baby, no one has dares to do this wickedness,” you replied with a joking tone.

“It'll be better for them,” Jay joked, stamping a sweet kiss on your forehead that made your stomach lightly explode like fireworks. God, how much you loved that little gesture. “What do you say to go home and forget about this bad day? We can order something and watch a movie if you like.”

You nodded enthusiastically, looking forward to taking a shower and throwing yourself on the bed.

You and Jay were lying on the sofa, having dinner and watching a movie in the background that neither of you was really following. Your head was resting on his chest, your arm instead encircling his chest as he hugged you tightly, stroking your hair and kissing your forehead from time to time.

“I missed you so much today,” Jay said, making you smile even though he couldn't even see you right now.

“I missed you so much too baby, I really needed this.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, almost in a whisper. You let out a sigh, almost involuntarily, “You don't have to tough if you don't want to, I don't want to put pressure on you.”

“No sorry it’s just…” you started talking, putting yourself in a sitting position so that you could look at Jay “It's just... Surgery gone wrong, a woman died on the operating table.”

“Oh. I'm so sorry my love,” Jay replied, taking your hand and squeezing it tightly. “You don't think it's your fault, do you?”

“And who else could it be? I was the surgeon,” you blurted out “It was an operation that presented complications but it had 95% of possibilities to be a success, I promised her, her husband...”

“Baby, baby, stop,” Jay stopped you, letting go of your hand and grabbing your face with his hands and making you stop talking. “It’s. Not. Your. Fault. I wasn't there and I don't know how things went but I'm 100% sure you did everything in your power to save her and if there was a chance to do anything to keep her alive you’d do it. Complications happen, they happen, the surgery had a 95% chance of success but unfortunately that 5% is always there, it's hard, but it's always there and it's nobody's fault, much less yours. Don’t blame yourself for this baby, you are one of the most talented surgeons in the entire hospital…”

“Why can't I help but feel like shit then? Maybe I didn't consider some variables, I was too sure and a patient died,” you said, your voice almost broken by trying to hold back the tears. But from the way Jay wiped one, you could tell the attempt was completely in vain.

“Because we are human, it's in our nature to blame ourselves when something doesn’t go as planned and we always need to have an answer to the things that happen but the truth is that not everything has an answer, the universe operates in a mysterious way and I know for sure, I’d bet on it, there was nothing you could’ve done that you haven't already done.”

You sighed, then resting your head on his chest as he hugged you in an attempt to console you.

“I'm here for you baby, cry and let it go as long as you want, I won't let you go,” he continued to whisper, occasionally leaving sweet and delicate kisses on your forehead. He continued to hug you indefinitely, whispering words of comfort to you until you calmed down and stopped crying. You didn't know how to express your gratitude for having such a fantastic man like Jay by your side, you’d never have known how to do it without him. He was your rock, your backbone, what put you back together when your world fell apart.

-

In the next two days nothing special happened, you and Jay went on normally with your jobs, you operated, he arrested criminals.

It was Friday and it was now late morning while you were in the operating room after finishing an operation on a man with spinal problems. As usual, you washed your hands and left the operating room before going to write everything down on the patient's medical record.

Everything seemed to go on normally, lunchtime came quickly and as usual, Jay came to the hospital to pick you up and go eat something together. You were still busy in the last morning visits and Jay took the opportunity to exchange a few words with his brother Will, who was at the reception.

“Look who’s bere, I thought you died,” Will commented, jokingly.

“Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't show up but work has been killing me lately, it's like the criminals have all woken up at the same time,”Jay explained “How is everything going?”.

“It's okay. I’m fine, Maya is back in town tomorrow and I can't wait to see her again, work is going pretty well, in short, I have nothing to complain about and I can finally exchange few words with my little brother.”

Jay chuckled and was about to answer when a man's voice interrupted him.

“Excuse me,” the man said, getting attention “I'm looking for doctor Y/N Y/LN, where can I find her?”.

Jay immediately turned to the man after hearing your name being mentioned and looked him up and down, studying his appearance and making sure he wasn't some ex or, worse, a shady guy. He was a man who couldn’t exceed fifty-five, tall, slender physique, balding. He had his hands tucked into the pocket of his visibly ruined pants and his gaze totally absent.

“She’s finishing her last visits, you can wait in the waiting room and I will call you,” Will replied cordially.

“No, it's pretty urgent. I'm here for my wife and the doctor made an appointment for me today and at this time,” said the man, so calmly, a behavior that was not expected of someone who had a loved one hospitalized.

“I’m sure you can wait here too, the doctor will come down immediately and see you,” Jay continued, but the man insisted that the matter was urgent and he needed to see her right away.

“If the doctor told you that, you can go now,” Will said, going on to explain where to find you.

The man thanked him and started walking towards the elevator. By now he had memorized the way to your ward, which was only on the first floor.

Slowly, the man approached the ward where, however, a nurse stopped him.

“Sir, visiting hours are over, you can't stay here.”

“I'm looking for Doctor Y/LN,” he replied, completely ignoring the nurse's words.

“You can come back here at three in the afternoon, when visiting hours start again.”

Soon the situation plunged completely into the abyss, in a whirlwind of chaos and despair.

The man pulled a gun out of his jacket pocket and without any sign of remorse or hesitation, shot that nurse, making his body fall to the ground, lifeless.

The sound of the shot echoed throughout the entire floor and the terrified screams of doctors, nurses and the patients themselves began to spread. They all started running away at the speed of light fearing for their lives. There were, however, those who couldn’t even get out of bed, asleep patients who were unable to save themselves.

When suddenly Jay saw a wave of people running from the elevator, terrified, he knew immediately that something was wrong. He and Will quickly exchanged a worried look and Jay immediately tried to stop someone to ask for an explanation.

“Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on?!” he exclaimed aloud, but everyone ignored him, continuing to run away. He stopped a man, who in terror stammered a few words.

“A… A man… He has a… He shot… He has a gun.”

Jay’s heart stopped beating for a moment as he heard those words. His mind immediately understood what was happening, who was the aggressor and his first thought was you. That man had targeted you, he wanted you.

A feeling of panic took over him and his brain went completely blackout. His first instinct was to run to the elevator and try to find you before that man found you but Will stopped him.

“Where the hell are you going?!”

“What do you mean where the hell am I going? That man is looking for Y/N I have to find her!”

“Jay you need backup!”

“You get as many people out as possible, I call the rest of the team and look for Y/N,” Jay had replied and before Will could even answer, he run for the elevators. After quickly making the call and making sure the team and SWAT were coming soon, he put his cell phone in his pocket and reached for his gun.

At that precise moment a shiver went through his body as he realized he didn’t have his gun with him and that he had left it in the dashboard of his car.

“Fuck!” he whispered angrily to himself. That didn’t stop Jay, however, determined to find you before the madman did. He began to wander the corridors of that floor, constantly looking around. He felt the sweat tinge his forehead and his heartbeat greatly accelerated, not so much because of the situation but because he knew your life was in danger. He kept praying with every fiber of his being you were okay, that you were able to hide somewhere.

The anxiety and worry he was feeling at that moment were feelings he had felt a few times in his life and knowing that you, the love of his life, were in danger and, above all, he couldn’t do anything to help you, it destroyed him. Deep down he couldn’t even formulate a single coherent and rational thought.

The last thing you expected that day – and to be honest, you didn’t expect at all – was to find yourself face to face with an armed man pointing his gun at you.

“Mr. Hopkins…” you whispered, short of breath and heart pounding. Mrs. Ellen Hopkins’s husband, the lady who had passed away on your operating table a few days earlier, stood in front of you, with an absent look, and with the gun pointing straight at you.

“You killed my wife,” he said, his voice cold, aloof, as if a robot had taken possession of him.

“I… Mr. Hopkins I don’t…” you stammered, having no idea how to get out of that situation.

“You killed my wife!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, showing some emotion for the first time. His sudden change of tone made you jump with fear, and in pure instinct you raised your hands up, visibly trembling.

“Mr. Hopkins, please… Lower that gun, there is no need, I promise you I will answer any of your question.”

“Shut up!” he yelled again “There is no question you can answer! You killed my wife! The love of my life! You took her away from me and today you will die like her!”.

Your eyes filled with tears, but you tried in vain not to cry.

Fuck no, you didn’t want to die, not that day, not like that.

“Mr. Hopkins… I ask you please, let me explain how things went, I’m sure you will want to know why. I know this won’t bring your wife back and I’m terribly sorry about that, I know how much you loved her and how much she loved you, but I can help you find answers if you wants.”

“And what could fix this? She died!” he exclaimed, waving his gun at you and making you jump again.

Oh God please.

“Nothing, I know it won’t bring her back to life, but it might help you find some peace, I’m sure, in fact, I’m 100% sure Ellen would like you to be at peace, she doesn’t want you pining for her death.”

“I don’t want to hear you talk!” Bill continued, now taken by anger and resentment “I hate you! I hate you so much! You were the one who had to heal my wife, make her feel better and not kill her! ”.

Your heart tightened in a vise and you couldn’t not feel guilty. You rationally knew it wasn’t your fault but, subconsciously, you couldn’t help but think so.

“Okay, okay, but please Mr. Hopkins, this thing is just between me and you alright? No one else has to suffer from this tragedy, no family has to mourn their loved one, if you want to blame me that’s fine but leave the other innocent people alone.”

“I don’t care a damn about the others, they were just accidents along the way. I wanted you Dr. Y/LN, you ended my wife’s life and I will end yours.”

Your blood froze in your veins, your brain working hard to try to invent a way to escape from that situation.

At that moment your thought was only one, only Jay, and how much you wished him to appear through that door and take you away from there. You couldn’t stop thinking how that morning could’ve been the last time you saw him, how you wanted nothing more than to take refuge in his arms.

Bill clicked the safety of his gun and a feeling of panic took hold of you completely, fearing that these would be your last moments in life.

“Bill… Please listen to me,” you begged him “I know you aren’t a bad person, I know you are grieving terribly for the loss of your wife and I am so sorry, there has not been a moment when I have not thought of her and I don’t even dare imagine your suffering, damn it, I don’t even know how I would’ve reacted in such a situation. I know it’s just the sadness and anger that are talking now, and you are right to be angry with me, with the world, with whoever is up there who took Ellen away from you and I don’t blame you for that. I know I was the person you trusted most to save her life and I betrayed this trust and I will forever apologize for that, because I wanted Ellen to recover as much as you did. I am not a perfect being, I am human too and as such I can make mistakes but I am ready to pay the consequences,” you spoke, and noticing that he was listening to you you continued “I did my best and believe me when I tell you that if there was a single minimal thing I could’ve done to save her, I would’ve done it but I know you don’t see it that way now. Bill... I… I have a family too, I’m somebody’s daughter, sister, niece, girlfriend and like I said I know you’re not a bad person, I know you never want any family to go through what you are going through right now.”

“You’re wrong Dr. Y/LN,” he replied, suddenly calm, as if all the anger he felt until recently had magically vanished. “I want everyone to feel exactly what I’m feeling.”

The sound of a gunshot boomed throughout your office room as it kept repeating in your mind. Suddenly the whole world around you fell into total silence, there was only a subspecies of hum that you could clearly hear with your ears.

You didn’t realize it right away. It took you a few moments to do it.

You didn’t realize right away he actually shot you. It was only when you looked down and watched the blood splatter spread across your uniform that you really realized he had shot you.

Your body fell into a trance state and you didn’t immediately feel pain, due to the adrenaline flowing through your veins.

You fell to the ground, without strength, the blood expanding rapidly under your body and soiling all your clothes. You had no idea what was going on, you didn’t know if you were dead, if you were still alive, if your attacker was still there, if it was all a terrible nightmare.

Your mouth was completely dry, your jaws so dehydrated as if you had just run a marathon. Your heart was beating madly as your chest rose and fell quickly even though each breath was like receiving a stab, one was more painful than the other.

At that point the pain slowly began to be excruciating, so persistent as to be almost paralyzing. It felt as if millions of needles were penetrating your skin with extreme and devastating agony.

Jay was right there, he had witnessed that frightening and horrible scene from afar, given the open door of your office. He had seen how that man shot you in cold blood and without the slightest doubt or hesitation.

It was Will who literally held him back by force, or he would’ve come to you, or he would’ve tried to save you. He would’ve even taken that bullet for you, he would’ve fought to try to save you, but he couldn’t have done it and now you were probably even dead.

It didn’t do any good to wriggle with all the strength he had in his body, try to escape Will’s grip, yell at him to let him go.

“Fuck Will, let me go!” Jay kept screaming, trying to run away, in despair he had never been in his life. His stomach was in a vise and a lump in his throat had formed.

But when that shot rang out within the walls of that hospital, Jay was completely paralyzed for a few seconds, as if for a moment he had feared he had an auditory hallucination.

He stood still as his mind processed what was really going on.

“No!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, freeing himself from Will and running at lightning speed to your office. He didn't have anything else in mind but you at that moment and he didn't even care that bastard had vanished, he just wanted to see you.

Seeing you poured into a pool of your own blood was an image that would never leave his mind again.

“Baby! Baby! Please wake up, don't leave me!” Jay exclaimed, immediately leaning over your body, not caring in the least he was soiled with blood. He took your face in his hands, breathing a sigh of relief when he noticed you were still alive, trying to mumble something.

“Shhh my love, don't talk, keep your strength okay? I'm here now, I won't let you go, please hold on tight” Jay begged, “Will!” his eyes blurred with tears and only then he realized he was crying “Please don't play tricks on me, you have to stay with your eyes open okay?”.

“J-Jay…” you muttered, struggling to keep your eyes open “It hurts so much...”

Jay cried even more to hear those words, knowing you were in terribly much pain and there was nothing he could do to end that pain. He continued to caress your face, your hair, noticing the paleness of your skin. He knew very well how you felt, he knew how a shot could be terribly painful.

“I'm so sorry I didn't come earlier baby, please don't leave me okay? I love you so much, I can't live without you…” he cried “Try to hold on for me, you'll be fine I promise...”

“I... I want to sleep Jay...”

“No, no, no, no,” he replied, panic in his voice. “Don't fall asleep, okay? You have to keep these beautiful eyes of yours open, can you do this for me my love? I know it's difficult but you are so strong, you are the strongest person I know... Don't do this to me, don't leave me baby…”

But at that moment you weren't strong at all, you weren't a fighter and you didn't have the energy and strength to fight. You just wanted to let yourself go and get some sleep, just for a little while.

The room slowly began to fade as black splotches appeared before your eyes and at that point you could no longer fight to keep your eyes open and found yourself sucked into a whirlwind of darkness.

“Will!” Jay yelled in utter despair again.

Will immediately walked into your office after rushing to get a stretcher and an emergency kit, and seeing the blood and you unconscious in Jay's arms he knew immediately that the situation was dire.

“I’m sorry I was finding these. We need to get her to the OR immediately. Jay help me put her on the stretcher,” Will ordered, trying to stay as cool and lucid as possible even though it was hard for him to see you like that too. You weren't just his brother's girlfriend, you were also his colleague and a very dear friend.

“Take her by the shoulders, I’ll take her by the legs. At three we raise her, okay?”.

Jay nodded, trying to wipe away his tears quickly and did what Will said.

“One. Two. Three.”

They placed you on the stretcher and all three of you immediately left the office, trying to go as quickly as possible to the operating room. It was a race against time, and both Will and Jay knew it, there was no room for mistakes, there was no room for hesitation.

“Will,” Jay called his brother, before seeing him enter the OR.

Will turned and immediately understood the words Jay was about to say.

“I can't be without her, save her please.”

Will's heart squeezed in a vise and never as in that moment he felt a huge weight on his shoulders because he knew if things went wrong he wouldn’t only lose you, a friend, a colleague, an exceptional doctor, but he would also lose his little brother.

He nodded before turning and walking into the operating room.

Jay didn't know what to do with himself. He never felt so helpless and at the same time cutting out from the world.

He didn't know the rest of his team had arrived there in the hospital, that the man was immediately found and arrested after killing that nurse and seriously injuring you and two other people but Jay didn't even care.

He didn't care where he was, he didn't care if he suddenly appeared behind him or even if he went around the hospital. He knew this wasn’t correct, his motto was to protect and serve but he didn’t give a fuck, he wanted nothing more than to know you were alive, safe and sound, that you were okay.

When it came to you, there was no criminal, job or any other matter that had a priority over you, there was nothing he wouldn’t have abandoned just to know that you were happy, that you were well and healthy. You had always been the center of his world since he met you and he didn’t even care how absurd it seemed, but it was the truth, you were his everything, all that was most important to him and knowing he had done nothing to avoid hurting you was killing him, devouring him inside.

The thought there was only a wall to divide you physically but an abyss mentally, was something that Jay just couldn’t understand and in the hours when Will operated on you, he thought he literally died a thousand times.

For the first time in his life he had understood the real meaning of fear and it was a feeling he never wanted to try again. It was horrible, devastating, debilitating, feeling that damned fear, that paralyzing and visceral feeling of anxiety that twisted his stomach in a tight grip. He was afraid of losing you, of never seeing you again.

How could he live without you?

How could he only think of living in a world where you were not there?

He wasn’t ready. He would never be.

This option had never even touched his head since you became a part of his world. He wanted to be with you forever, until his last breath and that was not even enough, because he knew that even in the afterlife your souls would be reunited and you would be together again.

What would he do if he never saw you again? What if he could no longer talk to you, hear you laugh at his sleazy jokes, hear you romp when you were happy, see you smile, hug you when you were sad and wipe your tears when you lost some patient on the operating table? What would he have done without your immense clumsiness, so much that he didn’t even know how you were a surgeon sometimes, without your disastrous cooking, without your hair ties thrown all over the place, without your obsessive way of disinfecting everything? What would he have done without your kisses, your hugs, your way of making him feel so pampered and loved, always, every day and every second?

“Fuck no, no, no, no,” Jay muttered to himself, as if to banish those horrible thoughts from his mind, “God please, please, save her, let her come back to me…”

After about an hour in which you were in the operating room, the rest of the intelligence reached Jay and in vain his friends tried to calm him down.

It was only when he saw Will come out the door of that damned operating room that he came back to breathe a bit and at the same time die of heartbreak and anxiety.

“So? How did it go? Is she fine? Please tell me she’s okay,” Jay spat out, immediately approaching his brother. He studied the expression on his face in the smallest details and a modicum of hope lit up when he didn’t see that typical expression you had when you had to communicate the death of a loved one, he didn’t seem sad, on the contrary.

“The surgery was a succes, I am 99% sure she will recover completely. The bullet had pierced the stomach but fortunately there was no major damage. Now I’m taking her to ICU and we’ll have to wait for her to wake up,” Will explained and couldn’t even explain the transformation Jay underwent. He noticed the precise moment when that veil of anxiety and worry finally disappeared, replaced instead by joy and happiness.

In a rush of happiness Jay hugged his brother, squeezing him like he had never done before. “Thank you Will, thank you so much.”

Will returned that hug, smiling. “You don’t have to thank me, she is very strong.”

“Yeah, she really is,” Jay replied through tears, only then realizing he was crying. “When can I see her?”.

“In a while don’t worry.”

Seeing you lying on that hospital bed was an image Jay would never have thought of seeing in his life, it was literally a blow to his heart. You had oxygen goggles inserted in your nostrils, your face was terribly pale but despite that you were still the most beautiful creature Jay had ever seen.

He stood next to you and he never took his eyes off you for not even for a second. His hand gently stroked your hair, as he used to do when you slept. It had now become a habit, stroking your hair and watching you sleep. Sometimes it happened that you smiled even in your sleep, snuggling closer to him, but this time it didn’t happen.

Your skin was cold under his fingers, as he stroked your cheeks and, God, he would’ve given anything to be in your place, so as not to see you hurt even for a minute.

Jay leaned over and gave a kiss on your forehead, as he kept caressing your face and hair.

“Do you have any idea how much I fucking love you? How do you make me feel? How important you are to me?” Jay began to speak, remembering the words you said to him once and that talking to patients asleep can have a positive effect on their awakening. He left another kiss on your forehead. “Do you have any idea how much you scared me today my baby? God, I've never felt so scared as I did today, not even while I was overseas. Seeing that son of a bitch...” Jay stopped, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat as he remembered the moment you were shot “I'm so sorry I couldn't stop him, I don't want to imagine how scared you were, I’ll never be able to forgive myself, I was there, a few meters from you, I have always sworn to protect you and keep you safe but I have failed and I am so sorry.”

“Please wake up baby, don't you dare leave me here alone okay? I can't be in this fucking world without you. I swear to you, I'll never leave you alone again, but now you just have to open your beautiful eyes alright? Can you do it for me? Show me those beautiful eyes that made me madly fall in love with you?”.

Jay stood there at your bedside indefinitely, watching you sleep and hoping that sooner or later you would finally open your eyes. Will spent nearly every twenty minutes visiting you and it was in vain for him to try to get Jay to go and rest.

It was when he felt your fingers move slightly, after almost twelve years, that he feared he was truly hallucinating.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” he literally jumped up from his chair, holding your hands as he looked at you “Baby, can you hear me? Please answer me, give me a sign. Please, please, please.”

He felt your fingers move slowly again and at that point he made sure it really happened, it wasn't a joke his mind was playing on him.

It took you some time to understand what was happening, where you were.

Your head was pounding terribly as if you were being hammered, your vision was blurred and you had to blink several times to focus.

The first thing you saw were the artificial lights coming from the ceiling, which at the time were terribly annoying.

“Where am I?” you grumbled with difficulty, feeling weak and completely without strength.

“You're in the hospital, love,” replied a voice you recognized immediately. It was Jay, your Jay. “No, no, stay still, don't get up.”

Your eyes met Jay's and the joy he felt at seeing you awake was something that was minimally comparable.

“You finally woke up,” he said, almost in a whisper, as if he hardly believed it. He stroked your hair, leaving a kiss on your forehead.

Suddenly images of what had happened flooded your mind, the exact scene in which you were shot seemed to repeat itself in a loop in your head.

“Has... Has any other person been hurt?" you asked.

Jay nodded his head, sadly. “But they’re all fine. He was caught soon after, he surrendered without opposition.”

“And you? How are you?”.

He chuckled, taking your hand with his and letting a kiss on it. “You're the one on a hospital bed.”

You let out a faint laugh but it results in a painful twinge. “I guess I deserved it.”

Jay's face immediately turned serious and his heart tightened in his chest as he heard these words. “You can't really believe such thing. You don't deserve to be here baby, it's not your fault what happened, please, get it out of your pretty little head.”

“His wife is dead and I had to save her,” you whispered, your gaze fixed on the ceiling as you tried in vain to hold back the tears.

“His wife died of a complication, every surgery has it, you always tell me, and you did everything possible to save her. You don't have to pay for something you are not to blame for, please stop thinking this okay?”.

You were silent for a moment and you then returned your eyes to Jay.

“Baby... Are you crying?” you asked, alarmed. He shook his head slightly, wiping away his tears quickly and avoiding looking at you.

“No, I'm not,” he muttered but let go when you started stroking his face. He lowered his head and let himself go in a liberating cry, venting the frustration, the anger, the sadness but above all, the relief.

“Oh baby, it's okay, it's okay,” you tried to console him as best you could given your position.

“I was so fucking scared to lose you Y/N…” he whispered.

“I know, love, I know, I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to apologize, on the contrary, I’m sorry, I should be the one to console you,” he said, wiping his tears and then looking at you. Your heart skipped a beat to see his beautiful green eyes shine so bright, still shiny from crying.

“You don't have to apologize Jay, there was nothing you could’ve done to stop it and you don’t have to blame yourself for not being able to stop this from happening,” you spoke up, realizing you were crying too.

“What about we both stop to blame ourselves?”.

“We have a deal,” you faintly smiled “Do you have any idea how much I fucking love you too?”.

Jay let out a laugh, knowing you had actually heard his words as he spoke to you. He stood up again and leaned towards you before grabbing your face and pressing his lips against yours. There were no words to describe what he felt, what that contact caused within him, the relief to know he still had another chance to be with you, he still had he chance to kiss and hug you forever.

“Can you get close to me?” you asked.

“But I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me, please baby, I need you now.”

“God, how can I say no to this beautiful face?” he said and you giggled, trying to ignore the pain that this entailed. Slowly and carefully, you tried to move in the bed, so you could make room for Jay and not make the stitches fit.

“Be careful baby,” Jay warned, helping you.

Jay positioned himself beside you, trying to be careful not to make any sudden movements, and he put his arm under your head. He printed so many kisses on your face and forehead, still unable to believe the luck of still having you there with him.

“I swear to god I’ll never let you leave the house again, I can’t risk someone taking you away from me.”

You giggled again. “Don’t make me laugh please, it hurts.”

“It’s not my fault you have such a funny boyfriend, it’s something you’ll have to live with.”

You hit him with that bit of strength you had, aching from the wound. “Can you stop it?”.

“Sure my love,” he kissed you on the forehead again. “Now try to rest, okay? You need to regain strength so I’ll get you home as soon as possible. I will always be here beside you, I won’t let you go.”

And with those words of comfort, you slowly slipped into a deep sleep, into the arms of the man you loved and with the hope, sooner or later, everything would be fine, everything would return back to normality.

Tag List: @burgstead, @bebataylor84, @ares-kelani-wayne, @lxna-mikaelsxn, @sande5098, @smoothdogsgirl, @withakindheartx, @jess2013, @maddu-oliveira, @lovemesomepietro, @onechicagodrawings, @jinxfan18, @xeleni-nurse, @ready-hit-it, @rainroo2, @tinfoilhat2719, @hehurst23, @upsteadlovingheart​, @secondaryjob, @nevaehstreater18, @mrspeacem1nusone, @sophiatellerrhodes​, @dedlund82​, @kellykidd​, @rippl3s​, @stephanie708​, @annahargrove​, @smutl0ver​, @kuroe-san, @caroldanverwife, @cbaby, @nosy09, @luvreading67, @danielmarie, @saiyuo12, @alexxavicry, @nachodaze, @waywardhunter95, @fighterkimburgess, @ephemeral3, @mads-weasley, @itskellysev, @lovemedlife, @atarmychick007, @amazedbyitall, @glodessa, @xeleni-dutchnurse, @ossypooh, @itriedtoexplain, @randomwriter1021, @resanoona, @averyhotchner, @ellavanderberg, @mrshalsteadxx, @junevoidzombie, @nocturnalherb16, @croissantthief, @jayhalsteadsbadge, @youngblood199456, @hereforhalstead, @dreamss-wavess

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[drdemonprince]

Struggling with black and white thinking. During the pandemic we’ve been told wearing a mask protected others & people who didn’t wear a mask didn’t care about other people’s lives. Mask mandates have lifted & I’m still wearing a mask in public. Most of my friends have stopped. It’s hard to deal with the cognitive dissonance as a result. I feel like they don’t care about my life and means we can’t hangout indoors. This has been very isolating as I pull away from friends as a result. Help!

ohhhh buddy, i love that you are asking this and so self aware of what's going on under the hood as you're dealing with these tough emotions. my whole next book is exactly for you!!

Speaking for myself, the thing that is always important for me to remember is that people's decisions are shaped by their social context, by needs that they're trying desperately to get met, and by their risk tolerance -- but risk tolerance often actually means risk *resignation*. When people feel hopeless and alone, it looks a lot like moral nihilism.

I really do not think that people who have been sloppy with covid protocols or isolation are evil people who want disabled folks to die, or that they dont want to be able to socialize with you safely, or anything like that -- i think we have all been pervasively failed by the systems around us, and that the full weight of that failure falls disproportionately onto you and people like you. and so of course it makes sense for you to be really upset at the injustice of it.

I would read this piece by Awards for Good Boys

and here's some pieces I wrote about how systems are responsible for where are with COVID today, not individuals behaving badly:

none of these facts make the situation you're in any less tough, i've got to acknowledge, and so you've gotta give yourself some license to be mad and to mourn how unfairly so much has been taken away from you and continues to be. i just think it is also really perilous for any of us to go down the path of developing a politics rooted in the belief that most other people are lazy, irresponsible, shameful, or evil. i see that kind of political pov germinating pretty widely on disability twitter, for instance, and it goes to really reactionary places really quickly -- and it often willfully refuses to engage in a class analysis

(for instance, people bragging about getting their grocery deliver drivers fired for making a small error on an order, and claiming thats disability justice because they need that service bc they cant go to the store. nevermind that many delivery drivers and gig economy workers themselves have disabilities from covid exposure due to doing those shitty jobs! etc).

[jewishdragon]

reccommend any good book series?>

uh, sure

lets start with the three book series i have had on loop (audiobooks through libby) for the last 4 years:

Temeraire. 9 books. alternate history age of sale, an homage to Aubrey Maturin (the author literally stopped posting fanfic for that series 1 year before she published the first temeraire novel). What is the alternate? Well. dragons exist. and they are people. The premise is a human naval captain finds himself captain in the air force because a dragon imprints on him. Explore how the first napoleonic war goes when dragons are involved both in battle and in politics. I love this series because it scratches a very specific itch for humans and giant monsters bonding and interacting at every level of society. A lot of real historical figures show up (napoleon...). but it never feels forced. Im so bad at selling this series. its really great.

Memoirs of Lady Trent. 5 novels. more dragons ! this time a world similar to ours, but dragons exist! however this time they are animals, not people, and the main character is a fantasy victorian jewish woman who is obsessed with studying dragons and breaks her worlds gender barriers (which are the same as victorian englands were) to achieve her goals. also there's a slow burn romance with a nerdy fantasy muslim man (think indiana jones!!!) and they go on ADVENTURES about ARCHEOLOGY AND NATURALISM (books 3 through 5. i dont want you to think i lied when this man dont show up in books 1 and 2. BUT THERE'S STILL BOTH NATURALISM AND ARCHEOLOGY ADVENTURES IN BOOKS 1 AND 2). I did not see the twist of the series coming either. wild stuff. love it. there's a epilogue 6th book where the characters spend 80% of the time translating ancient tablets and somehow this is incredibly engaging, props to the author. this is a first person POV, the author is writing it as a MEMOIR so you have to imagine this old lady writing this down in her study.

The Murderbot Diaries (5 books, 4 are novellas). Sci-fi, out in space! Mostly taking place in literally capitalist hell region of space called "the corporation rim" which is... ruled by corporations. A lab grown robocop cyborg hacks its programming to become autonomous and wants nothing more than to watch soap operas and be left alone, but of course makes friends along the way as it continues to do its job of protecting humans. the snarky humor is FANTASTIC. its also first person POV and feels like Murderbot cornered you in a seedy space bar on an asteroid and just started ranting about shit "you will not believe the fucking year ive had" and then just rants for hours. Speaking of, 4 hours is the audiobook length for each novella, short enough that you can give the series a try without worrying about length

agatha christie. i mean. the queen of murder mysteries is called that for a reason. her stories are indeed bangers

Howl's Moving Castle. its a 3 book series though the books arent super connected. really fun fantasy adventure comedies.

Ok end of the not kids section. here's the kid section

now bear with me on this. Artemis Fowl. 8 books. I didnt read these until i was an adult, in graduate school. They fucking SLAP. some stuff is a little dated but other than that, its action packed, its so much fun. Go on an adventure where a shitty know-it-all genius criminal master mind becomes a better person and also there's fairy magic and fairy tech (which might as well be a second kind of magic). the main villain? amazing, unhinged, megalomaniac to the max. i love her. the minor villains? also amazing. i cannot overstate how great the villains are in this.

Dealing with Dragons/Enchanted Forest Chronicles. uhhhh this is my special interest. fantasy comedy adventure.

thats all for now i think.

[jetblkhotelmirror]

frank stans, how are we feeling?

i dont want to start anything but i would like to here peoples input on this- so, if youre gonna comment, be nice to each other please lol

im assuming that even though i havent seen much on it, the people here know about the ls dunes issues and related frank issues, but, to give a very short summary- ls dunes released an ai music video and when fans (rightfully) voiced their concern about the ethical implications of this, they doubled down, got defensive, and ended up saying some really harsh, hurtful things to fans. additionally, they have allowed "ai bros" to take over their fanbase and effectively bully original fans out of online spaces using homophobic, transphobic, and misogynistic rhetoric. in the aftermath, frank made an antisemetic joke (seemingly accidentally) and fans tried to (very calmy and respectfully for the most part) inform him that it was offensive, but instead of simply apologizing and taking it down, or doing anything productive whatsoever, he got mad and started insulting fans and insisted that it was not antisemetic and that he had done nothing wrong/people couldnt "take a joke." i might be forgetting some things but, lastly, a friend and frequent photographer of ls dunes showed up to a party dressed as an ls dunes fan. his outfit consisted of a bright orange wig, and ls dunes beanie, fingerless skeleton gloves, and the ls dunes shirt with wolves on it that was designed by a fan. it was clearly an attempt to laugh at and make fun of fans, specifically girls and women in the fanbase, and, though it wasnt one of the band members wearing it, the fact that he felt that it was not only okay but also funny means that fans are likely a common , or at least not an uncommon, subject of jokes or ridicule in that circle. a lot of people are justifiably upset that a band who was initially so vocal about loving and supporting the fanbase that has loved and supported them for so many years would let this happen, especially after all of the shitty things that have done/allowed to be done to fans in the last few months

im 100% done with ls dunes at this point for a number of reasons (ai, the toxicity in the new fanbase, the bashing of the fans for expressing their concerns, this costume, etc), but im not sure how to feel about frank in all this. i know that he has had a part in all of the dunes shit, so im definitely not his number 1 fan anymore, but the other stuff like the doubling down on the antisemetic joke is still rubbing me the wrong way.

i am kind of having a hard time being objective about this because i have loved him and his music for so many years, so i was wondering if anyone here has any thoughts or input as to what theyre thinking about frank after this whole situation. i certainly dont think he is flawless, and i never have, but at this point, after everything that has happened, i feel uncomfortable continuing to "stan" him in the way that i have been, and i definitely dont feel comfortable going on as if nothing has happened. like.. ive had a frank profile picture since i got a twitter account, and same on here, but i changed it bc i dont want people to think i support some of the shit thats been going on, so i really dont know what to do here

thoughts, anyone?

[butch-reidentified]

radfems dont like 'spirituality' and 'witchcraft' because it is woo nonsense by low IQ idiots. have fun feeling better about yourself thanks to your little rituals while your economic, civic, health, and social circumstances continue not to improve, or even worsen.

you can have your fun and i don't think even the most reddit atheist would say otherwise. but to pretend it has any real or natural connexion to feminism of any kind is just your personal cope about it, those of us with our feet on the ground and head in the real world aren't gonna play pretend with you that your hobby has meaning to anyone but yourself and your playmates.

"low IQ" bb sorry to tell you this, but believing IQ is meaningful is about the most low-IQ energy you could have lmfao. but if you're committed to it, idk what to tell you bc you're not gonna hurt my feelings with that. and tryna use that as some kind of diss attempt when I've literally posted my peer-reviewed neuroscience publication & MENSA membership card on here (ironically while posting about why IQ is bullshit)... this is so sad fr

literally still making shit up, the same unoriginal shit, about my practice. you're ignorant and a shitty feminist if you're gonna anonymously come after women for literally harmless shit.

like either you genuinely did not read any of the hundred paragraphs I've now written on this, or you're hopelessly stupid or just flat out lying.

& are you new here?? in what way could my circumstances even need to improve? I am so in love with my life, my wife, my career, my friends, my community.... that's why I have the privilege to spend all the time I want organizing in my community, connecting with women irl and online and building feminist mutual aid networks, volunteering, etc.

the funniest thing here is the irony of thinking I have anything I even could possibly need to "cope" about in my life rn while this is the most copium junkie ask I've gotten to date

[burningvelvet]

okay more thoughts on pride and prejudice as i begin chapter 39

1 i want to see lady catherine, mrs. bennet, and miss bingley in the same room together on a podcast panel debating things like marriage and childrearing etc but i dont think the world would be able to handle it

2 i’m interpreting mr. darcy as either being neurodivergent (possibly autistic) and/or having severe social anxiety — and this is really informing my entire perspective of his character (as a core theme to his character is being socially understood/misunderstood). however, i know its still very controversial to “diagnose” fictional characters and i don’t want to come off that way — but historical complications aside (the field of psychology didn’t exist back then how it does now) it’s really obvious to see that he’s not neurotypical, although i don’t know if this is an accepted thing in the austen world though!

3 i’m not buying that mr. darcy’s letter was only 2 pages long. 3 pages minimum with tiny handwriting maybe.

4 this entire novel really highlights the importance of social communication more than anything imo

5 mr. collins is fucking hilarious and his interactions with elizabeth are so accurate/relatable of what it’s like to deal with oblivious men as a female, esp. men who dont know how to take a hint — i was actually laughing out loud through his entire proposal sequence, especially at the line where it says elizabeth is trying hard not to laugh too. so familiar.

6 i wish we could see more of charles i actually like him — i also like colonel fitzwilliam and kind of wanted him to marry elizabeth - its kind of hilarious how casual the topic of marriage is with people you’ve just met & i really want to read more about regency history on marriage specifically now to figure out how much is embellished for satire purposes & how much is true to life

7 i have many thoughts on wickham but thats for a separate post

8 from what little i’ve read about p&p analysis/consensus so far, it seems mrs bennet and some other characters have already been torn to shreds over lit history to the point that its become more common to defend them & mrs bennet in particular, which i understand bc she’s supposed to be a satire on women of the time period but of course her concerns are valid and there are real economic reasons for her actions and societal norms that pertain to them. i’ve also read that it’s common for people to prefer mr bennet over his wife and to pit them against each other which can lead into misogyny & i can see this. however (im sure the bennet family ends up happy at the end, but at this point in the story) i think there are valid reasons for these interpretations which lead people to like mr bennet more than mrs bennet. after the ordeal with collins i really lost respect for mrs bennet for threatening to disown eliza & treating her so harshly, and i gained respect for mr bennet for sticking by eliza. i continuously defended mrs bennet and her behavior up until the collins proposal. i understand she’s desperate for eliza to marry so that she doesn’t become destitute etc. but mr collins simply isnt an ideal husband

9 eliza’s feelings on her friend marrying collins are so sad and relatable of how all of us feel when we watch a friend or loved one enter a shitty relationship and/or betray themselves or lose a part of their personality + the idea of having to mourn your friend especially upon growing up etc. but particularly as it relates to the lonely woman’s experience of finding one’s friends starting to center males & prioritize romance over friendship the older you get.

hope some of this is semi-intelligible - i save the grammar for my real essays - but felt like rambling

i think in my last post i was spelling “bennet” as “bennett” so i apologize for that lol - pls dont kill me janeites, i’m new here!!!

[randys-ranch]

A whole slew of Nothing ahead. Proceed with caution. Or if you want juicy lore.

Two or Three years ago when i was kicked from the EPTG community i became severely isolated and started to wither more then i already have. I was already at my lowest point mentally because of school, personal relationship conflict, parental conflict and other such things- EPTG/Plainview were subsequently becoming huge pieces of comfort media and my biggest hyperfixations to date, you could say its "on me" for putting all my eggs in one basket, because i was bound to trip, fall and break all the shells.

Now, i do admit fault. I was a weird, horny kid- but from what i recall an enviroment was fostered briefly where that was a thing, i observed passively suggestive conversation and i had friends who encouraged it in private, one of them being a moderator. Its been years though, you dont need to know who it was.

I behaved abnormally, i would talk innapropriately, all sorts of weird shitty things. I deserved to get banned, but the subsequent fallout affected me poorly. I was okay with it for a long time but im beginning to realize this was kind of fucked up.

During "the purge" i believe only two people were banned.. me and Stella, i was never close with them but we spoke briefly- i eventually would distance myself from them however.. sorry Stella.

I was in the 'Gandhi Server' briefly, i was civil, tranquill(not quite), i tried to avoid the wrongs i had done in the past, i sat on my hands like this for awhile-dont know how long, but the damage was already done, i left of my own accord.

And i'd be isolated and tolerated by mutuals for about a year or so..

Some kindly folks would indulge me in conversation. If i were the one to initiate it. It was hard establishing relationships again, they were polite, very sweet, but not interested in conversation, thats fine.

People were allowed to not want to talk to me after all of that, but those folks seemed more sympathetic towards me.

I've largely been on twitter- before and after my first tumblr account was suspended because i beefed with who i believe to have had been the CEO or a tumblr mod on a private side blog during the Avery debocle- vehicles, smashing tools and combustion.

Im still alone. You'd be surprised to hear that feeling interest in Garten of Banban didnt get me very far, i only talk to a couple people weekly, im not in bustling communities, i can only try to find something akin to the past and hope i dont fuck it up this time.

Gyro is as good as dead, Gyro was my best friend. I loved them deeply. I miss them like a motherfucker but i cant have them back.

When what they've been doing came to light, i saw some people huddling together, discussing it in hushed whispers..

You recognized you were going isolate them, kick them to the curb- that it maybe wasnt a good idea. But you couldnt change their mind, we couldnt change their mind.

They were dead set on this pedophilic incestuos fantasy.

Im trying to move on from it, but i bring this up because People recognized what was happening, what treatment they were getting.

Frankly Gyros shunning was deserved and we couldnt feasibly keep them around-that much is true. But there is a selfish thought at the back of my head "did you learn this from the past?"

But Gyro has Mallory. They mutually enable this perversion, this sickening disease between them. Its going to be the death of the two of them. I dont want to think about them any more. I will brew in grief and regret and sadness for awhile, this is fine, im allowed to be angry and dissapointed. Im allowed to love something im not allowed to have.

I feel like im allowed to boil in anger right now. Kaz was exposed to be a self serving bastard- just before he was 'cancelled' i sent him an anonymous apology letter. I regret it. Frankly he doesnt need to forgive me nor do i need to continue to respect him.

I'd like to return to the media he produced that spoke to me so much, maybe the rose tinted glasses would come off and i'd see the stories for what they were? Maybe they werent that great? Haha i doubt it.

But due to general human decency..i think that approach to it is immoral. I promised myself to respect his wishes for me to promptly fuck off the second this all started, to stray from interracting with the media he produced and i'd even go as far as to stay from engaging with who he engaged with.

I respected the man for a long time, stayed away, thats good, i can pat myself on the back for that.

But i dont respect him anymore. I've seen claims this is all a smear campaign. Im not going to pick sides. The well of well wishes has dried up for me long ago.

Im trying to process everything, im trying to hold myself accountable for my past actions, i was a teenager now im a adult, but im also beginning to see the underbelly of the situation.

I think i deserve to be sour about the ordeal, its been long enough, and as people have said, Kaz is a bad person.

Maybe im being one sided. Maybe im being self serving in talking about it like that. Maybe people from the past with reemerge and remind me of my wrong doings.

But i'd like to make peace with it. There is a desire to return to EPTG and Plainview though..i think its been abandoned by everyone and noone cares anymore. But i do. I want to reread both, because i still love those stories, what they had to say, the characters within.

But i'd have to get his Good Graces in order to do that. I'd have to ask someone to let me speak to the man himself.

Thats not a favorable solution. Especially with the general perception that he is Bad.

Well atleast you still have people who love you, Diego. Someone to rally for you and advocate for you at your worst.

You, Gyro, have your new friends to worry about, pedophiles, zoophiles, "incest sexuals", yourself and Mallory. You disgusting, abhorrent bunch. You atleast have yourselves, in your endless digging of your own pit of despair. You will never crawl out. You will never be normal again. You chose a twisted perversion, you chose illegal porn over your friends. But you still have friends to call your own.

I hope you both can appreciate that.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

is there any reason to recover when you have a shitty family and no friends? there is nobody to celebrate when i eat a fear food. instead there is just "dont eat too much you don't want to get fat"

there is just denying me food and taking mine (classmates)

classmates share food with everyone else, but when i ask they say no, for everyone they can eat but not me, i dont deserve it

what is the point anymore

My heart goes out to you, because it is so hard to heal when the environment you're in is making you sick.

You're asking if there's a point to recovering in the context of everyone around you. Of course there's a point to recovering - for you, not for them, so that you can feel happy and good in your own mind regardless of what they're like! But it's easy to feel like it's pointless when your environment has conditioned you to feel this way.

I suggest you take time to focus on you, as much as you're able to anyway - focus on your recovery in the context of yourself. Don't share your eating habits or successes with your family members. Remain as minimally engaged as possible in conversations around your body, eating habits, and weight. Then, extract yourself from the situation as gracefully as you can manage and tell yourself whatever you need to hear. That their shitty commentary is not your fault. That you can build better for yourself than they have built for you. That one day, with hard work, you will cultivate a much healthier environment for yourself.

When you eat a fear food, celebrate it by yourself. Learn to love yourself and be your cheerleader and best friend. (Feel free to message this blog and tell me - I might not be around to congratulate you immediately, but when I do get to my inbox, I promise I will care!) See if you can find any online support groups for ED recovery, so that you will be less alone and may have access to more advice and community. Support groups/forums about toxic family and friends might be helpful too as you might be able to learn some strategies for how to build a healthy environment for yourself once you're able to build some boundaries between yourself and toxic influences. It takes a lot of time to learn how to do it. Stay patient with yourself, and if you don't find the right groups right away, keep looking.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this isolation at school with no supports at home. My best suggestion is, when you're still in this school, keep food items from home stashed in your backpack, and keep your backpack on your person at all times. Or keep it stashed in your locker, but only nonperishables. You don't want it to rot and develop an odor. Instead of seeking friends in a toxic environment, just survive until you graduate. Engage in practices like art and writing in order to connect with yourself, vent, hype yourself up, and just learn to express your experiences. It will not cure the loneliness, and I know loneliness can be crushing. It can help you feel like you don't have to seek love from a loveless environment. I heard a quote to put it in perspective - going to a person for a love they're not capable of giving is like going to the hardware store for oranges. No matter how desperately you ask for oranges, the hardware store will not give you any. It's not your fault - you didn't stock the hardware store - but continuing to seek oranges here will yield you only disappointment.

Hang in there, learn who you are independently of the toxic people around you, be as kind to yourself as possible, and research what you will have to do in order to build the future you want. It may be a future in which you have some distance and limited contact with your family members, or don't go back to your old hometown. I truly wish you the best of luck.

[princesseevee06]

Hi i have 3 questions plaguing me that you dont have to feel the need to answer at all!

What is momdori like as a floormaster?

Whats sous trauma surrounding her?

And most importantly...

IS THERE A WHOLESOME UWU BOY SOU AI?!!?!

thank you 💕

how naive of you to ask me questions about Sou Hiyori and expect me not to answer. /j

no but seriously i am happy to answer these questions ty!

1. Momdori takes a very similar role to Midori in that she’s the target for the….idk what do you call it. Murderer game? Basically they have to kill her. so in that sense the main “plot” of chapter 3 goes very similar in ytr. the differences come mostly in momdori’s personality. it always struck me that in the actual game when meeting midori sara says that he’s a little bit like sou (aka shin. the names get so confusing to me) but that there’s something distinctly different. in that same way i think there would be a lot of similar mannerisms between sou (the actual sou. real sou hiyori) and his mom, but she’s very much different in how she portrays herself and in how she views asunaro. momdori doesn’t have that same sort of childish “heeehee i want to see what makes people tick” characterization that midori has. Her work is very much more of a duty to her rather than something for entertainment. she views asunaro as something almost divine, and trusts that the organization knows what the correct path for her and all the candidates is. to her, asunaro comes before anything else (yes, even her family). it is an absolute.

2. …which brings us to the elephant in the room. god, where do i even start with these two? sou’s trauma surrounding his mom is less of a “specific incident” and more of like. a pervasive, continuous thing. i definitely don’t agree with the take that sou & momdori have a great relationship when she says things like this

i don’t think momdori was a loving mother. i think she would’ve treated sou in a sort of apathetic or “logical” manner, focusing on making him remain loyal to asunaro. because of that, i see her as controlling a lot of sou’s decisions in his childhood, deciding what he can and can’t do, teaching him to revere/fear asunaro and to treat others “below him” as means to an end. so, sou grows to see his mother’s treatment of him as normal (and even thinks that that’s what “love” is supposed to be!), and it definitely plays a huge part in his frankly shitty behavior towards others.

part of the reason why sou is so attached to shin in this au is because shin is basically his first real friend outside of asunaro. and it’s so bewildering to him that anyone would treat him with genuine friendship/affection that he is just utterly fascinated by this boy. unfortunately, despite his genuine care for him, sou ends up treating shin with a lot of the same behaviors that his mother did to him </3

3. ok sorry that was getting kind of sad i just. i love sou. but anyways NOOOOOOO THERES NO WHOLESOME SOU AI BUT THAT WOULD BE SO CUTE </3 a lot of the stuff on the fourth and fifth floors is still catered towards sou because he was originally intended to be the floormaster before he ditched asunaro and his mom had to take over. (basically imagine like being a kid and you piss off your mom real bad and she takes all your legos and says these are mine now) so there’s still a shin ai BUT i didn’t want to just leave it the exact same so i was like. yknow what. screw it. kanna ai. GREENBLINGS AI. BOTH OF THEM!!!! (no haha this isn’t because i regret killing off kanna immediately what do you mean haha-[shot])

they are very cute :) until they get Killed again. sorry

BUT YEAH ANYWAYs uaaaaaahH THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTIONS I HOPE THIS EASES THE BRAINWORMS PLAGUING YOU!!!

[emulation-0]

ok jjk 221 lets get into it

mixed feelings on the unboxing. it was hilarious how unserious they all were and i didn't actually care that much because i love seeing all of them together <3 shoko <3 momo <3 kirara <3 maki <3 miwa <3 hakari <3 hana <3 lowkey i missed inumaki too. twas nice!! but the tone shift was really weird, i was hoping it would be more high stakes than that and it really feels like theyre going back to the 'let gojo handle it' mindset which. feels very much against the point considering the last thought we had from him before the culling game was 'i have faith in all of them.' its like nothing has changed since then.

it's also really weird that nothing has really been said about tengen. all of their actions have been pointing towards them being very untrustworthy and on their own side, and it just so happened that their goals at the time aligned with yuki and co's, but there's just been nothing. it feels very anticlimactic. they knew that gojo could have possibly died upon being unsealed and said nothing, they could've ended the culling game at the beginning and said nothing. like it goes back to yuki getting really mad at them back in ch 201 i think and then just going along with the plan and dying. it feels like there's no point, no fanfare, nobody cares about the really important parts. it feels like tengen's existence was unimportant and pushed aside despite their actions and existence being the reason (or helping the reason) why jujutsu society is so shitty?? idk if this makes a lot of sense but even their conversation with kenjaku in the last chapter... it just feels like tengen means nothing. that's annoying. but anyway

gojo's unboxing was so unserious but i hoped maybe he would go a little berserk when he was actually out. the ripped jacket was cool and i wish gege kept it, that wouldve fucked so hard but he's still suffering the disease of making his men buff when they shouldn't be :/ whatever i guess. up until sukuna showed up it really did seem as if he was going to go berserk which i was so here for!!! especially since the angel was kind of hyping it up. alas it was not to be 😔 which is annoying!!! at least we got a your mom joke? but anyway!! im glad at least gojo vs sukuna is happening first because its not as if kenny really wanted to fight him anyway unless some bullshit with their technique happens like last time with yuki. which would be stupid. but also im not sure how i feel about this upcoming battle though. it would tie back to the 'six eyes and ten shadows killed each other in the past' but one, it feels way too soon for that, and two, i think with the way gojo said 'you? a loser that had to run away from yuuji?' is hinting towards another conflict between sukuna and yuuji. i have many thoughts about this and i'll probably derail later so let's bookmark it here *

gojoken fight would be kind of stupid because if theyre leaving it all to gojo (😐) he would probably just one-shot them. realistically. yuuta coming to fulfill his promise to kill gojo's best friend for him would feel better personally because then his words would actually hold weight lmao and maybe he'll die too!! if gege is continuing his pattern of getting rid of the special-grades (unless he's only getting rid of the adult special-grades which is 😐but whatever!!!) yuuta doesn't really serve a purpose in the story rn anyway besides being gojo's temporary replacement so it wouldn't be a pointless loss either. especially if such a fight would show gojo that his students dont need to depend on him and they have grown in his absence. like he had faith in them to when he first got boxed!! though in that case maybe yuuta's death wouldn't be the best way to express that. unless kids like hakari and maki picked up the slack. idk. my thoughts are a mess rn bear with me here 🙏

* ok so in the last panel too gojo says that he'll win and sure, he could, because sukuna's not even at full strength yet. it makes me wonder where the other five fingers are since if they kill each other wouldn't it be a little pointless if sukuna was missing some fingers? you'd have to get rid of the rest of him through yuuji and that would be stupid. bookmarking this for later also * but anyway!! the game is changed now since sukuna has the ten shadows technique and knows how to use it better than megumi can so theres likely a real chance gojo would get hurt. maybe he'll even lose an eye this time and live to tell the tale considering hana and inumaki got to live (but then again are they really characters in the story anymore? 💀) if he did get hurt that would make it easier for a students vs kenjaku fight to take place as well

and about yuuji. sukuna's not 'running' from yuuji because he's scared but i'm sure that he's wary at least. there was that comment: 'right, this brat is from back then...' which was ambiguous in its meaning (im pretty sure he was saying 'this brat has been strong since back then [pre-sukuna]' or something like that but the possibility of some heian stuff going on is equally interesting!! and weird!!) but yeah. and its not as if being trapped in yuuji was a very convenient place to be anyway. gojo was probably just taunting him saying he was running from yuuji but he is wary of him at least!! especially since he's so sturdy or whatever. so i hope that between gojo vs sukuna someone gets hurt or dies because i think another fight between yuuji and sukuna would be a nice wrapping up. yuuji's active involvement with jujutsu started with sukuna and it would be cool to end it with him, too

not only that but there's also the whole 'if you die i'll kill you' 'so start by saving me, itadori' 'i have a few suggestions about how we can save fushiguro' thing thats going on between yuuji and megumi. we all know it so i guess i won't say it but that's more fuel for the sukuna vs yuuji fight right

* i think gojo is going to lose. if not against sukuna then he's going to lose against something. i'm torn between not feeling great about 'leave it all to gojo' and the adults' feelings that kids shouldn't have to take on adult problems but i think he's going to lose against someone and then the kids will fight so we can have both perspectives? the confidence with which he says 'i will win', the history between six eyes and ten shadows, the one-eye imagery in official arts combined with the weird timing and tone of his unboxing feel like they're spelling defeat but i'm just wondering how it's all going to tie in. like what order are these events going to happen? who's going to do what? how's this going to play out? which isn't even theorizing that's just waiting for the next chapter to come out kldehwjakfdjzhs since gege has dashed all my hopes and expectations. don't even know whos going to die anymore. but whatever!!

this ended up being very long 💀 if i've said anything that was immediately obvious sorry lmao

[doctorweebmd]

Emoji asks! ✨️⛔️💖💌 And don't worry about talking too much--I love hearing about process, so the longer the better, tbh!

👀 ahhh anjum i hope you don't regret those words this I...uh.... listen this got away from me but also. THANK YOU. it was a blast. sincerely. and also i'm sorry ahead of time.

✨️ - Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

Uh. 😳 Wow this question made me realize how much easier it is to criticize your own writing than it is to compliment it. Thank you for this question my self-critical ass needs it lmao

I'm definitely a more character-driven writer, so my focus is on making their emotions as real as possible. I want it to feel like you can see through their eyes, like you can feel their pain, or their excitement, or their fear. I want people to feel really connected to characters through they very human emotions. So I tend to focus a lot on that - on character self-reflection and detailed descriptions of everything and anything that come with certain emotions. its one of the reasons i'm fond of writing pretty detailed and emotional porn. i dont want it to feel like a 'fade to black' scene from a movie, you know? or a scripted porno. i want to portray that nervousness, the embarrassment, the jitters and thrills of first times - something that doesn't have to look 'perfect' but still be beautiful. i think that's kind of the strong-point of my writing.

for that same reason, i take a lot of pride in trying to keep characters as 'in character' as possible. keep their personalities consistent and consider what they would do or how they would react IF that still stays true to them. i really try not sand them down or take away their sharp edges to fit a story, rather make the story fit around the characters. does that make sense?

i think my humor is pretty solid. and the storylines are engaging; some even pretty unique, although nothing world-changing. also, low key, i'm probably one of the best writers in the sskk fandom right now. and YET. these bitches are sleeping on me. smh

⛔️ - Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

Ooh, yeah, a couple! Most notably:

Fools Gold. Yikes. I really do hate leaving fics unfinished but I have minimal interest in continuing it. If you wanna know how it ends... (spoilers for a fic that may never be written) The tape recorder data gets accidentally 'erased.' Shinsou gives a different code to Katsuki and Kirishima, and by them having different dates on their secret codes and a planned sabotage going wrong, we know that one of them is the traitor. There's a lot of dissent but Izuku believes its a mistake. We find out that Katsuki was always jealous of Izuku's life - he hated modeling, and actually took one of his online classes not that long ago. They get closer, more marathon sex, real feelings, etc. Izuku confesses to Katsuki, but Katsuki's like - no, I have to be with your dad, I'm so close to my goal, and Izuku is shitty, making an ultimatum. Katsuki still leaves him. Kirishima to the rescue, he asks him on a date, they kiss, Katsuki is livid. As Kirishima and Izuku get closer, Kirishima confesses that he's the traitor, and that Izuku needs to stop what he's doing. Izuku doesn't, gets framed for everything, stock prices of the company go into the TANK. But. You see. Mei actually buys like all the stocks and they end up majority company owners, then they release all the proof GATHERED BY KATSUKI that his dad is guilty. Izuku gets all his money, dad goes to jail, Izuku and Katsuki travel the world on a sail-boat, they invest in all their friend's businesses and everyone's happy except Hisashi cause fuck him. The end.

A character study internal monologue of Katsuki's death (lol.) 400 words of eh.

Intersecting Lines Sequel - 500 words of also eh. Five years after Izuku defeats Sovereign, he gets a distress call from Cosmix saying that Leviathan was undercover and has since gone missing. Izuku and Katsuki travel to America and ALSO go undercover, uncovering a huge conspiracy and temporarily being pitted against one another. This is 100% never gonna happen.

Uh... I forgot I even started writing this one? 2.3k words. Quirkless!Izuku Shiketsu AU who is the #4 hero, Izuku is an asshole to Katsuki and he's into it, they start hooking up in an unhealthy and violent way and play mind-games with each other by dating each other's friends and just being awful. i actually think this was my first iteration of zero-sum.

Those are the only ones i've scrapped!

💖 - What made you start writing?

I all started the day I was born, 199 -

Just kidding. I think my story is much like other people's stories on here. I was kinda a lonely kid. I'd spend all my free time making up stories by myself, reading books, drawing. I got super into anime as a preteen and would visit roleplaying chats (i think it was yahoo chats... anyone remember that?) and play Sailor Senshi with my friends and created OCs and started writing my own manga (lol) The first actual 'story' I think I came up with was age 12-14ish? It was an self-insert OC in a Sailor Moon x Dragon Ball Z crossover universe. I posted it somewhere maybe on livejournal? And one person really liked it and we became penpals (no stranger danger just my 12 year old unsupervised ass giving out my address to randos online) and we sent each other letters and I sent her updates and we talked about the story and it was so much fun!

Actually this made me break out my memory box, a couple of USBs and my external harddrive to see what I still had saved and WOW. Its just. I found one of the letters she sent a picture FROM 2004!!! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME LISTEN TO THIS LETTER:

Dear Anna, Hi! Greetings from Connecticut. Hope you like my drawing. It is a drawing of how i think Sailor Eternity might look like using your description of her. Hope you like the drawing..... I love your story. I am dying to know what happens when Queen Serenity goes and sees Serena and Siera. And whats more interesting, when Neo-Queen Raye sees Sabrina.... AND SHE CALLED US BEST FRIENDS?! Betmarie if you're out there...

But you see when you're a teenager, anime becomes lame so you hide it to fit in. Around this same time, my 'dream' of being a 'writer' was getting actively discouraged. It was cute when you're 12. Less so when you're 16 and looking at colleges. So i stopped drawing and watching anime and got 'adult interests' like depression, underage sex, dying my hair, hating my home town, obsessing over emo music, and overall being a self-destructive nuisance.

Anyway, the earliest 'original' fiction I can find is from 2008, and around this time things started to get really really dark. Everything I can find from around this time is... just so damn depressing. I'll spare you the details, but at a certain point I just... stopped.

And you know? I missed it like a limb. I hated that I couldn't write anymore. It felt like something was missing. But there's college, and med school, and dating and life just kinda... happened.

And then. I move across the country, alone, to start residency. I start consistently taking antidepressants. The work is hard but the time I have is my own. The sun is shining. The ocean is at my door.

And. The words come. Just sometimes. In spurts. But it feels so good, because I honestly thought I lost it. That I could never get it back. I actually wrote a blog post about it in 2019:

But for this past week I’ve been writing. Listening to music. I told Kevin about feeling so good, almost like I’m manic. But I’m not - I’m just happy. Holy shit. This is what happy feels like. My job and my self-hatred truly made me blind to it.  Sitting alone in my 1 bedroom apartment away from everyone I’ve ever known. This is what that Anna always wanted. This is the dream. Not the checkmark accomplishments that I can put on my resume. This is it.  Maybe I’ll finally take those voice lessons. Maybe I’ll buy an electric piano and try to learn. I have only one life and I just got so off track.  I can still be that person. 

So! Anna is re-exploring her interests from the before-times. Cringe is dead and joy is within reach. You know what she loved? Anime. Wow, I sure hope one of the biggest animes in 2019 isn't My Hero Academia. Oh wow, I REALLY like it. Haha. Did you see Deku vs Kacchan part 2? Hooboy. Hey did you know that there's a second my hero academia movie called Heroes Rising? We should see it in theaters! Yay fun nerdy anime time. Oh my GOD. what a movie. i have stars in my eyes. I love these kids. It would sure be a shame... if I started writing.... about them...

One month later the pandemic hit. Obviously I worked during all of it while inpatient because of my job, but otherwise, we were stuck indoors a lot. Cue Intersecting Lines. Day in and day out, for two months straight, I would write it. You see, like pretty much everybody else, i HATED unfinished fic. I promised - swore, even! - to never post something unfinished. So in May, I drop Intersecting Lines on ao3 all together. 130k of just... whatever the fuck. It was a perfect storm of everyone being online at the time, the fandom being smaller, and probably the fact that it was finished, but, for ME, it felt like it 'exploded.' Like. People were reading it. Commenting. Enjoying the OCs. Even making fanart?! I started chatting with a couple other people and reading other writers works and commenting and it became such an enthusiastic and supportive community and I've been running off that high ever since!

Intersecting Lines to My Brothers Keeper to Battle of the Bands and it was just more and more fun! Then Izuku Midoriya dropped the fuck out of UA and I'm like "!!!! HOLY SHIT. WHAT IF KATSUKI GOES CRAZY TRYING TO FIND HIM." I had essentially finished 3 very long fics, i had super supportive friends and a tiny bit of a reader base, and even though I was scared shitless about it I'm like 'bet' and Zero-Sum Game was born. I was scared to dig into those old feelings, pry open those old scars. It was terrifying. It was catharctic. It was everything.

Following it, I felt... free, in a way? Like I didn't have to be scared of writing anything anymore. Like I could do whatever the hell I wanted because I really was a 'writer.'

So here I am. Still writing whatever. I have no goals or ambitions or plans for the writing itself. I just wanna tell stories and I hope that they resonate with some people. I hope I can do this shit forever I'm so serious.

.....anyway that's my entire life story. wow. i am SO sorry lmao that was too much. i took such a detour to find all this stuff.

💌 - How do you feel about comments and feedback?

oof. just like everyone else i love them so so so much. 🥺 i actually reread them relatively frequently and LOVE it when people engage with the story itself, like the PLOT! and the THEMES! and the MOTIFS! i LOVE it when people make me think about my own work. or ask about things that i straight up forgot about. or point out a plot hole that i sheepishly have to admit i forgot about!

or that it makes people feel things! making people cry is probably the biggest compliment you can get as a fic writer. but also laughter! but also staying up until ass-o'clock reading!

even if its just a keysmash it just makes a switch flip in the brain that this is a real human being, who is reading this story, who is reaching out to me and i'm reaching out to them from words and feelings across oceans and years and experience. just seeing the 'numbers' depersonalizes it a lot, you know?

for feedback, i probably echo most other people. if i ask for it, particularly from writing friends who are qualified to give feedback, then i really appreciate it. if its unsolicited, its kinda shitty. its anime porn on a fanfiction archive - not a creative writing course or the new york bestseller list. its not that deep. i'm doing this for funsies and for free, so if my stuff isn't to someone's liking, i would kindly invite them to read something else. there is. so much. other. stuff. come on now.

okay at the end of the day, no one owes me anything. i spent years and years being a lurker and even now, having written an embarrassing quantity of fanfic, i STILL don't do a great job of leaving comments. its okay. no one should feel pressured to. its nice but not necessary.

but ALSO. i need my EGO STROKED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE

who said that

ANYWAY. wow. this is so embarrassing I worked on this for WAYYYYYY too much time. with a huge detour to tear apart my closet for my memory box and USBs. but it was so so fun. gosh i wish i still had a copy of that sailor moon x dragon ball z crossover fic. i'm sure it was horribly cringe but YEAH, what DID happen when Neo-Queen Raye sees Sabrina?

I guess we'll never know............