#and i like don’t hold grudges so even if someone completely fucked me over i probably’d just get over it

[mars-ipan]

lmk if this is fucked up (hear me out) but i’ve been wanting an excuse to psychologically torment someone for years (HEAR ME OUT)

[gangplanksorenji]

Kinknuary Day 14: Hate Sex

Pairing: IVE Gaeul x Male Reader

Word Count: 4,294

[Kinknuary Masterlist]

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Acquaintances, not even a dent but it’ll be hard to deal with but when you’re close with someone, you’re damn sure it won’t be ephemeral and will hold a grudge against you and that’s the last thing you want to see with someone you’re deeply close with.

Yet you eat your words and face that greatest fear of yours, on the verge of breaking apart and cutting connections yet you won’t let that happen even though everything’s falling apart, slowly…

“Gaeul—let me explain—”

“I fucking heard enough—get out of my place or I’ll do it myself!!” Gaeul’s grits her teeth as her words are laced with venom, aiming to faze you out yet it didn’t bother you to fight and to try and enlighten her with the right reasons and brush off the infuriating side that she involved herself into.

“Gaeul, please—it wasn’t much of a thing—we weren’t even close enough and it’s just a friendly approach—” 

“Yeah I know, dumbass—it’s just a friendly approach but it’s not that what makes me furious…” Gaeul clicks her tongue, faces you as she drops her bag onto the floor, giving you a cold stare that sends shivers down your spine and then inching closer towards you with her intimidating glare still painted on her face. “It’s the fact that you kept ignoring me all the time until t-this moment—why?”

You can see Gaeul getting melancholic as the emotions inside her are finally rising up within her veins, making her shed a tear because of all of the grudgeful events that have been happening until this day.

You weren’t ignoring her completely and you never did—it was just her sensitive and manipulative personality that you made yourself to distance away from her but not completely and it’s also the fact that you’ve been showing an interest to a girl that you’ve been captivated right from the start you met her and wanted a better connection but of course, Gaeul will make a hindrance because of her intense anger and jealousy over you. You love Gaeul, but in a way that’s maybe unorthodox and platonic for others but you didn’t care—you love her and you love the relationship you have with her for years, even though it’s not going over the limit but sometimes, she’s just being over the limit and you’re not liking it.

“Gaeul—just please, it’s not about that fact—”

“Then what?” Gaeul inches closer towards you, her eyes are now gleaming with her own tears due to the weightful emotions she’s experiencing, as it streaks down her cheeks and makes her makeup start to become a ruined mess. 

Your heart drops with her current gloomy state as you can feel the sincere sorrow in each of her words. In each word she expresses, it makes up for the poignant feelings she felt because of you and it’s breaking you slowly. You never wanted her to be like this, but here you are, locked with frustration and regret and there’s nowhere you can do to escape—technically, you can but you don’t want it to provoke her further and let this be the day to end your friendship with her.

You’d be with her until the end of time and you’ll let her know that yet this will be a challenge and you’re willing to endure and take it over.

“It’s about the fact of—” Silence ensues as she interrupts your further attempts of explanations as she latches her lips onto yours immediately and instantly, you became intoxicated with her scent that you fell under her spell, further reciprocating the kiss as she grips onto your collar tightly to further deepen the torrid kiss that she initiated. As much as you want to pull out and talk about the situation better, you can’t help but further need the taste of her luscious lips as your hands roamed around her back and played with her hair which tightens her grip onto your collar even more. Not so long after, the kiss came up to a close as she pushed you harshly and then glaring at you, starting daggers towards your heart.

“You know how much I hate you whenever you kiss me, right?”

“It w-wasn’t even—”

Gaeul chides you as she can sense the uneasiness in your eyes, and she took that as an opportunity to let you feel her wrath. Now pinned against the wall and frozen on the spot, Gaeul half-squinted her eyes as her voice tends to curse you and its tone is evidently made to faze you and all you can see is her small figure falling down on her knees, and gripping harshly onto the hem of your pants.

“Gaeul, c-can we just talk about this—”

“Shut the fuck up and just lean down on the wall.” Gaeul’s hands finds its way onto the buttons of your pants as she starts undressing your lower half and with that in mind, you know what Gaeul wants and further retaliation will just not work but rather put gasoline into the flames of anger. You just let her get what she wants as you will also derive pleasure from it but you know Gaeul’s going to put your life in misery within this given moment as you momentarily prepare for this.

“You know that I’ve been so fucking stressed lately and then you, added to that shit I’m going through—well, don’t worry, I’m going to use this delicious dick just for myself.”

Well, if this is how she’ll handle the situation, then so be it. With your defenses slowly becoming useless and deemed to be out of bounds, you take shallow breaths in order to prepare on what you’re about to tackle and ruthlessly, Gaeul yanks off your boxers out as she’s met with your erect length, constantly throbbing since the time she probably kissed you intimately. Unlike what you’ve fantasized or experienced with her, she eyes your cock like some sort of meal, not like something she’s been wanting for a long time as she spat all over your length, and stroked it starting from the base up to your engorged tip.

“Don’t call my name or touch me, because if you do, I’m going to really punch you, I swear to fucking god.”

She can’t be bothered with anymore foreplay as the hunger inside her took over and planted small kisses within your tip, and then sucking half of your length with already a ridiculous pace that inevitably lets out a series of ethereal moans coming out of your mouth, voicing your satisfaction. It’s obvious how deprived she is with your taste as the constant slurps on your shaft and her greedy pace of bobbing is a strong evidence, concluding to a fact she definitely wanted you yet anger and jealousy took over her that she became a different person.

Now, taking your whole length is each bob she does, more broken moans escape your lips as it forms symphonies for Gaeul to hear yet she doesn't care—all she wants is the taste of your cock and to fulfill her own needs. She didn’t mind the gags she does whenever your head hits the back of her throat as she continues to suck every inch of you like she’s been starving for weeks and with her current pace, you can’t help but writhe as you hands unable to find a leverage to fight the sudden peak of pleasure. You can’t help yourself and Gaeul know you can’t handle her properly, as she increases the quality of her oral expertise all over the length of your shaft and the inevitable comes, your hands finds its way onto Gaeul’s dark locks in which, she didn’t like and immediately, she pulled out of your length as the multiple connections of her saliva onto your shaft makes up the mess that made your arousal skyrocket.

Gaeul’s furious at what you’ve done and won’t let you get away from it as she snarls at you, her anger streaming over her like a hot kettle. “What the fuck did I just say? Are you that fucking stubborn??” 

Of course, the question is rhetorical and all you know is that you’ve fucked up with the wrong person. With Gaeul’s ice-cold glare towards you, it wasn’t going to long for a punishment to be ensued as her dainty fingers found its wall on your sensitive balls, and cups it gently. It was a rush of pleasure whenever she does that yet it was quickly changed when she wrapped her fingers around it, making it a makeshift cockring that definitely puts more salt onto the wounds—it’s a little painful yet it stimulates you even further as she continues her oral masterclass, slobbering all over your succulent shaft like there’s no tomorrow to see.

She maintains the ridiculous pace onto your whole length as her soft, warm cavern which is her mouth makes up for the constant pain she’s doing onto your sensitive balls, further unlocking your masochistic side. She shows no mercy and sympathy as she uses her mouth to further derive her wants as she can’t get enough and resist the taste of your length yet even with all of the great things that have been happening, it will all soon come to a halt as she pulls out and catches her breath desperately.

“God—you're glad your cock tastes fucking delicious and I can’t resist this—shit, be grateful because this could’ve ended worse.”

You’d want to argue with her on that scope, but you'd rather not, not when her rage is boiling hot and she wants not yet attended to its fullest. Further continuing her great expertise, she delivers such an incredible pace as her other hand grips onto your thighs for a leverage on a better job and sucking you off. Every thrust she does is genuinely making you brain being fried down into shambles and when forced herself onto deepthroating you, she crossed the line as you can’t help but cry on how great her throat feels, yourself getting weaker with her own spell. It didn’t take long before she ejected out due to her multiple gag reflexes and god, once you look down, you can’t help but feel more aroused with the sight of face sullied with her own makeup, saliva and her disheveled hair.

“I’m g-going to suck this dick until you cum deep down my throat, do you understand?” You nod eagerly as she smirks as strokes your saliva-sheathed length and mutters more commands, “Don’t you dare hold back and be a good boy for me.”

You won’t let her down and will deliver up to her finest desires as she latches her lips onto your engorged head, collecting the copious precum that has been leaking out and then eagerly shoved down your whole length for the umpteenth time in her throat and ensued with a rapid pace. It was breaknecking as the copious drool stained her hands still gripping onto your balls, onto your thighs and some dripping on the floor and it’s just a great element to further ignite the essence of an incredible oral session. She can sense how close you are due to you needy moans and the constant throbbing of your shaft and with profound knowledge, she further doubles her efforts as she needs to taste every drop of your succulent, creamy semen that she’s been addicted to and there’s no way you’re going to last long. Given the fact that she’s been giving you the euphoric experience you’ve had for an undeniably long time now, you’re not able to savor the moments you’d want to as you can feel your loins acting up and hell’s about to break loose for you.

“Gaeul—I’m g-gonna cum…”

Gaeul took this as an opportunity to show how she’s more deserving than anyone and how you could never find someone like her. She didn’t even bother responding by words, but rather, her own, frantic actions as she plunged her throat deep down as she gags and you finally, let out the pinnacle of paramount bliss—shooting streak of thick, creamy semen down her throat as she gags in every spurt, but fight through it because she wants to take it all and not waste a single drop. She successfully did it, given on how great she takes your cock and suddenly, your seed instantly disappeared and is now treasure down to her stomach as she hummed in satisfaction because of your delectable load.

“Can’t get enough of this cum of yours—fuck, it’s so delicious.” Gaeul shares her satisfaction with the flavorful taste of your semen as she averts her eyes towards you, still with a cold glare as she stands up and lets you know about something you’ll never forget. “I guess she can’t do it like I do, hm? Like I said, you’re not gonna find another one like me.” Gaeul, still fueled with her rage, stands up and commands you to lay down on the couch in which you find it puzzling as you’re genuinely confused on why she’s acting like this.

“Gaeul—please, can w-we just talk about this?” Your pleas doesn't let Gaeul distract herself onto her desired prize as she’s still not done with you and would rather hear your moans than your annoying voice pleading for something better.

“Maybe we’ll fucking talk if you dumped another load, now inside my cunt.” Gaeul retorts as she pushes you off the couch and you land with a thud, her not minding if you were alright or hurt because she’s feeling selfish due to her anger blinding her and her animalistic desires that unleashes the devilish side of her. With still your length being full-erect despite your already-impeding orgasmic trance, Gaeul eyes on it as she pounces on your lap like a bunny, hopping onto its favorite meal: your length, still wet with own saliva as she strokes it furiously in order to maintain the libido inside you. 

“Ga—Gaeul, I c-can’t take it anymore—I’m too sensitive!”

Well, she completely ignored your pleas and with that, she completely uses this as her own advantage as she toys with you, further pumping your throbbing length with feverish strokes in which you respond with whimpers due to your sensitivity.

“I don’t care—don’t tell me you don’t want this, asshole! Bet she can’t make you whimper like I do, hm?”

As much as you want to retaliate and stop this madness, you can’t help but feel utter pleasure and pain whenever she strokes your entire length as her touch is your kryptonite, and it will always be that way. Having enough of giving your shaft such pleasurable strokes, she strips her clothing one by one while still pouncing on your lap and with the sight of Gaeul’s slender body on display, your shaft can’t help but twitch because of how hot she is. Given her graceful and quick movements, she removed all of her clothes in quick succession yet she needed to hop off on your lap to strip her lower half and after removing it all, she quickly pounced and teases her lower lips onto your tip. The both of you moaned in unison because of such a great feeling coursing down your veins with your bodies clashing against each other yet Gaeul is growing impatient, opting for the climactic prize as she eagerly plunges herself onto your entire length. 

After she impales herself with your raging rod, such sultry and sexy moans escape her lips as she misses the feeling of your dick inside her tight, velvety walls. She ensued a moderate pace as she greedily grinds her hips onto your length, withdrawing with only the tip inside and then slamming her hips back, filling her up to the hilt which made her moaned incredibly loud and you, groaning your satisfaction out as your sensitivity slowly dissipates as time goes by and with her rapid thrusts on your shaft. 

You know how incredible it feels everytime Gaeul rides you as she always brings her best, hopping and clashing her hips in contact with your body harshly as she brings the peak pleasure that you’ve always loved. Even though you know how she’s becoming selfish and using your body just for her own gratification and her needs to be fulfilled, you can’t still help but notice how she’s reconsidering your own pleasure as her movements laced with finesse and the peak-quality of her thrusts against you is a strong evidence.

“Yeah—see? You can’t think about her right now, don’t you? Yeah—because you can’t help but get so fucking turned on with my pussy, hah—that’s why, you prick!”

Gaeul growls at you as she uses your shirt as the leverage to further ensure a breakneck pace and to further fight the intense pleasure that’s been coursing down her veins since the start she rode you. You could feel her wetness in every thrust she does on your shaft as rivulets of her own nectar overflow around your shaft and stain the couch—and here comes another event where the both of you will literally stain and destroy another couch because of both your filthiness. The wet squelching of her shaft sends your brain into a stimulation that further makes everything better yet it’s becoming way too pleasurable that you’re starting to have your mind clouded with only the gripping walls of pussy that puts you into a hypnotic trance.

“Gaeul—p-please, if w-we can just talk—”

A smack resonates around the room as she slapped your face with anger still boiling within her as you feel a sting yet it didn’t really hurt you because she didn’t bring much power onto that smack. As how your previous attempts of persuading her onto talking to you in a better way possible concluding onto a major fail as everything was deemed useless against her, you’d just keep your mouth shut and relive and cherish the pleasure that she’s been delivering as you totally succumb onto your own needs too, groaning in pleasure and moaning to voice out how good she’s riding you even though she doesn't acknowledge your sincere compliments towards her—even with her holding a deep grudge, you know that deep inside, she’s deeply flustered because she knows how your compliments literally fuel her do more and makes it more endearing.

The sight of Gaeul’s cunt constantly engulfing your entire length as she creams all over it, her perky mounds jiggling in every time she gyrates her hips and her expressions and moans that contains pure lust and wants—even though she’s suppressing the sounds that’s coming out of her mouth and trying her absolute best to make up a stern and intimidating look, she can’t help but let her true self out as the pleasure is making her give in to her true feelings and putting her hypocritical demeanor into its demise—is so arousing that you’d literally want to take a picture or a video just to save it and possibly even jerk off to it on your free time but of course, you’d probably just conceal everything and let both of your eyes only be the ones to see this filthy masterpiece.

With her given pace, Gaeul can’t help but just lure in to her own carnal desires as she’s coming near to her own promised land, drawing herself closer onto her rewarding trance as the constant pulsations of her pussy and her juices spilling out of it as the evidence of her nearing high. Knowing about this, you thrust yourself upwards as surprisingly, she didn’t bother to stop you but even encouraged you to do so and with her final oscillations, she’s going over to the line and all will break loose.

“God—I’m going to fucking cum all over this stupid cock—shit, it f-feels so—ahh—good—gonna cum!!”

It just took a single scream from Gaeul as she creams all over your throbbing shaft, her juices spilling out and making everything on its vicinity wet and it’s further worsen when she pulled out of your length, spraying her liquid nectar all over your abdomen, your shaft and on the sofa. She falls limp on the sofa as she catches her breath, regaining herself some energy from the enervating orgasm that sends shockwaves throughout her body as euphoria takes over her. Still having some of her energy left, she chides towards you to do something as she complains on how your cock can always make her cum hard.

“Gosh—glad I can only feel this cock ‘cause—fuck, this cock makes me cum so fucking hard I fucking love it… Now will you fuck me? Be sure to finish in me ‘cause I want that load deep inside my cunt.”

Her sinful words makes up for the sudden loss of tempo as you stood up from the couch and without any question, Gaeul positions herself where her freshly-fucked cunt is all on display, all for you to take with no-return and to end what she started a while ago. Your hands then grabbed her hips as her flexibility was tested, her legs now rested onto your shoulders as you immediately plunged your length back into her wet folds and then mustered a ridiculous pace in which she always loved. There was no more foreplay as it was out of the equation as both your needs should be attended as soon as possible yet Gaeul isn’t a fan of what your hips are capable of doing.

“Come on—fuck me harder, come o-on—oh fuck!”

Gripping her hips harshly enough for a bruise to form, you ensued more power in each of your thrusts as she moaned in need with your utter harshness, treating her body like a ragdoll as every plummet your hips do meant to break her in half and turn herself into a mess, uttering such lifeless syllables full of lust and greed. Even with your breakneck pace, Gaeul can’t seem to be impressed with the way you’re treating her as she complains again, fury taking over her and making her boil.

“I s-said—fuck m-me harder—oh shit, just like-fucking-that you stupid asshole!!”

You then fuck her with a pace imaginable, your hips mustering up a velocity that no one can comprehend as you let your pent-up anger inside fuel the rapid thrusts that’s bound to break her apart and possibly, to fuck out the anger she’s feeling and to succumb onto her wanton needs. 

It may seem impossible on this given moment but being derived to fulfill each other’s needs is the best way to end this even though her rage for you is still deep within her—you just hope you can fix this in a better way possible but for now, you’ll just dig yourself closer to the rabbit hole, a hole closer to your own lustful desires and to succumb onto it,

There’s no way Gaeul can’t tell how closer you are on reaching your own, long-awaited high as you gave her cunt the last, ruthless thrusts that made her cry due to the intense gratification she’s feeling as she close her eyes and lets her senses gave her the better stimulation than ever before. Without holding back, you announce your near orgasm to Gaeul and she took this as an opportunity to fulfill her needs as she sexily moans for you for further encouragement and it’s not going to be long before you reward both yourselves.

“Fuck—I’m gonna cum inside y-you, Gaeul—shit, g-gonna cum!!”

Now with her legs repositioning to hug your waist and to further lock your whole length to be buried deep inside her, you groan with the tightness her walls are making as you bury your shaft more, filling her up to hilt and shooting down multiple spurts of your treasured seed right onto her womb. Your thighs quiver when you deliver her your semen as at her end, she became enervated due to the exhaustive session of sex and the mind-boggling stimulation that made her brain go haywire. You kept buried in her until your orgasm impeded, and then, you pulled out to admire the mess you’ve made between her legs and as expected, the both of you fell limp onto the couch. With enough courage, you asked her something and anticipated a better approach yet you’re still met with something else you didn’t like.

“Now, can we talk?”

Gaeul rolls her eyes as frustration is still embedded within her, but you can see it being lifted by a little due to the faint smile she did after receiving a warm load deep in her cunt. “I’ll go and clean up first.”

Having a little faith, you let her do what she wanted to do as she stood up and a visible struggle was evident when her legs became a little wobbly due to the intensity of your pace and hers earlier. You ensued on helping but she brushed it off and said that she’s fine and she can help herself up.

But there’s maybe a single thing that Gaeul can’t withstand nor do against it as it’s inevitable for her to resist and put a sleep onto…

“Hey…” Gaeul stopped as she called you, and you were fazed by it but you brushed it off as responded to her.

“What, Gaeul?”

Gaeul sighs as her stern glare still shoots daggers at you, but her tone is now softer than what it was before, “Come and join me in the shower, then we’ll talk right after.”

Yes, her weakness is literally you as you’re insatiable for her. Guess what? There’s maybe another chance to clot what has been wounded and fix what has been broken but you could never be so sure but that? That’s a sign of mending and that alone gives you hope for the better…

[daenysx]

hi! i’m pretty new to your blog but i’m really loving your content! you’re a fantastic writer. if it’s okay i’d like to request something for james x reader, where r is going through a friendship breakup and james is comforting her? i completely understand if you don’t want to write this, regardless i’ll continue to enjoy your content! have a great day/night 💗

hi, angel, thank you so much for being so kind! i hope you enjoy ♡ requests are open

james potter x fem!reader, modern au

"come on." you scoff, looking at your phone and feeling sick to your stomach. james lifts his head from his laptop to see what you're doing. you put the phone on couch a bit harshly, crossing your arms defensively.

"angel?" he asks.

"yeah, jamie?"

"everything alright?" he puts his laptop on the coffee table to go by your side. you turn your head, feeling a hot teardrop roll on your cheek.

"she doesn't even care about what i say." you start. james knows exactly who you're talking about. "i'm trying to talk about how i feel and she- it's nothing to her, apparently."

"what did she say?" james asks, he rubs a generous hand on your arm.

"she just- she says she's sorry and she'll fix it, but she said all those things 2 months ago! just- you need to do something for someone if you promise them but she keeps forgetting and she never explains anything."

you're getting more upset each second. this is a person who you spent your days with before, someone close enough to share secrets. something happened two months ago, something you can't even properly remember now, and she hurt you. she never realized how distanced you've been and when you told her, she promised she'll fix it. two fucking months ago. she did nothing.

"am i doing wrong?" you ask james. "is it wrong to be angry?"

"no." he says. "it's not wrong if you feel like it. you don't wanna let go of her so easy but- i guess she doesn't try like you do."

the truth hurts so badly. you hate losing friendships, strangers turning into loved ones, losing them makes you feel like losing a part of your memories. what can you do? you're feeling too proud, too unforgiving. you don't want to be a bad person.

"i just don't know why she keeps giving up on me." you say, quietly. tears turn into hushed breaths. "am i so easily forgettable?"

"no." james takes you in his arms. "baby, of course not. it's not your fault if you believe you try hard enough to save your friendship. maybe it's not anyone's fault. sometimes things don't work out."

you put your head on james's shoulder. "i thought we were closer than this." you say, sadly. "maybe i was wrong."

james rubs your back until you relax on him. your phone is forgotten, you won't send any more texts tonight. it already hurts enough, but you gotta get through it.

"i'm sorry." he says, a quiet sound comes out of his lips as he kisses your head. "i'm sorry it's hurting, baby. you'll be okay."

maybe you should just leave this as a good relationship that is over now. there's no need to try to save something if it's already lost. you've gone through this before, you can do it again. you think your anger for the situation will make you forget about things quicker. you won't hold any grudges.

"i don't wanna be friends with someone who treats me like this." you say, sharply. "i didn't do anything to deserve it."

james kisses your hair again. "i'm not blaming her." you say, after a second. "it's not anyone's fault at this point but- i won't try anymore. she can do anything she wants, i guess."

not getting a closure hurts a bit, but you'll survive. james likes how you perceive the situation from both sides, you don't see yourself as the only person who's right, you still have respect and love for your old friend. your head stays tucked on his neck nicely, he rubs your now dried cheeks with cool fingers.

when you look at james with expectant eyes, he nods. it's good to see him agreeing with you, you know he'd tell you if you were making an irrational decision out of anger. you kiss his cheek and he carries you to his side of the couch.

you don't look at your phone again that night. james figures out you like watching sitcoms when you're upset. you fall asleep to the background sound of the office, your head on james's chest and his hand on your lower back.

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Methinks Kaisa should be absolutely BEFUDDLED at Anders. Like "so you just. Got up. And left. FROM JOHANNA PEARSON???? ARE YOU WELL MENTALLY????"

My first reaction to him was how he managed to fumble The Woman of all time and I think Kaisa would agree.

THIS. Kaisa is absolutely gobsmacked that this pathetic slime of a person saw fit to fumble JOHANNA???? Like Kaisa is out there 24/7 wondering how she could ever deserve this woman, borderline having breakdowns over not being good enough for her, only to find out that the Most Ridiculous Person You’ve Ever Seen not only has gotten a chance, but also probably got more than one and still messed up every time. She’s been training jumping higher and higher until she learns how to fly only to find out that all along the bar was on the fucking floor.

And it’s not even only a ‘Johanna’ matter, but also a ‘Hilda’ matter. Because Kaisa genuinely cares a lot about her and would be beyond pissed to know that he sees himself as a good dad regardless of having left multiple times and come back acting like nothing had happened. (<- Note! Op has only watched until episode 5, I don’t know if he gets an apology scene later on) Also he thinks he’s the one who leads his daughter in the path of adventure??? Excuse me??? Not only does Kaisa know she has one super badass mother, are you not seeing the Witch™️ in the room? You think you can do better than giving her magic spells? A resurrection staff? Hunting tide mice? Taking her through a maze built by the greatest witch alive? No, you can’t. Because you think adventure is letting her drive a shitty truck.

But the hilarious thing in the dynamic is that (at least as far as I have watched), Anders is super tone deaf and can’t tell when someone doesn’t like him/holds a grudge against him. So he’d probably see Kaisa as a new figure in Hilda’s life who he wants to befriend and completely miss the way that it looks could kill Kaisa would have him dead and buried in a second.

[speedierthanasubmarine]

Finished heaven official’s blessing and I really enjoyed writing an analysis on helluva boss I want to make this a regular thing because it’s fun so here’s my thoughts on

Heaven Official’s Blessing

Spoilers (duh)

I think it’s incredibly impressive when someone can make an overarching narrative in which different seemingly disjointed events are significant without A) putting a giant exclamation mark on top saying “REMEMBER THIS IT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER” and B) Significantly over or under emphasizing the importance of the scene in the moment. Each event stood on its own and I liked that.

There were several janky sentences and word choices but that’s a translation issue, this writer clearly knows what she’s doing.

Characters were a lot of fun and distinct, my favorites were Feng Xin, Pei Ming, Qi Ying, and Ling Wen whenever they were on the page I was like Ah yes, these pages are gonna be enjoyable and I was right, they’re all delightful (cept the brocade immortal stuff, but like I don’t care, Google assistant is fun) Xie Lian and San Lang are delightful, love them, and San Lang is so effed in the head it’s enjoyable to try and imagine what unhinged thing he’ll do next

Tbh there isn’t much plot breakdown I want to do with this series because it knows what it is, it’s a fanfic ass book with good times, trauma, gay fluff, and fights. Need I say more? That’s not a detractor, it’s a strength. Be what you are and own it because a house with a house’s foundation is a great house but slap a building on that house’s foundation and it fails in both regards.

The only aspect I’m going to analyze is the narrative voice the books are written in because holy crap is it super impressive. Xie Lian is a super mature (or ditzy, depending on your point of view) character, he doesn’t dwell on things, doesn’t hold grudges, doesn’t really care that much about people’s histories or even their present, doesn’t focus much on externals and it comes through in the way the book is written. I noticed this when throughout the books San Lang would do fucked up stuff like make it rain blood and kill a pit’s worth of people and Xie Lian kinda didn’t really seem to care and at first it pissed me off, why isn’t the author letting consequences occur because of these peoples’ actions, but then as it held consistently throughout the book and other people kept being super concerned about stuff, like Pei Constantly asking after Shi Qingxuan (I don’t know how to spell their name, it’s so hard to keep track I’m so sorry) or people bringing up Banue, I realized this is just Xie Lian, other people in the book are regular people like me, this one guy is just experiencing things, going “Well, ain’t that something” and then just moving on. Honestly iconic, but also I was halfway through book six when I realized. Especially since whenever they do flashbacks Xie Lian does all normal stuff. He describes settings he’s in, he mentions events that happened a few pages ago, he tells the reader how he feels, it’s after he experiences all his shit he goes through that this all kinda slips away. In “present” scenes he’ll reference things as they come up but like in the flashback after Mu Qing leaves they talk about it a few times and I find that aspect of acknowledgment to be noticeably absent in the “present” scenes. After the black water arc there is a complete lack of discussion about the frankly trauma inducing event that just transpired but sure Cie Lian, you and San Lang have to not hold hands for the billionth time. At first I thought is this author high but then I realized what shes doing is characterizing through prose which is IMPRESSIVE AS HELL. This may be a point I noticed and am now misremembering the entire series just to bolster my take and if that’s the case then I shall sheepishly shrug and say I’m sorry. I’m not rereading 8 books to write a tumblr review. Maybe if I ever start a YouTube channel

I don’t know, I just find it to be an incredible feat of actually good writing when a story is being told through the lens of the main character and you can characterize that character by simply reading the story and seeing how it’s written, not even through dialogue and action. It’s kinda like the Great Gatsby or a Separate Peace, and it’s super cool that a book like this can accomplish the same thing that makes those classics great. There isn’t as much symbolism or analytical potential but those books wouldn’t be nearly as impactful as they were without great execution, which this book pulled off in spades.

[catsandgoodbooks]

I’m sorry, I just have to talk about c!Techno and c!Punz because I can’t stop thinking about them. Please let me talk about c!Techno and c!Punz. They literally interact once, with the Butcher Army/attempted execution fiasco, and they don’t even talk then. They are almost completely unrelated. There’s no reason to think (or talk) about the two of them and their relationships with each other, at least not based on what is explicitly stated in canon.

But they’re surprisingly similar, and the way other people see them mirror each other. They are both extremely loyal and are deeply involved with c!Dream and are seen as weapons, tools that can be bought and used without any regard for their opinions on the matter. But the way their loyalty is expressed is different, and their relationships with c!Dream are different, and the way they react to be dehumanized are different, and I want to talk about that a little bit because I just can’t stop thinking about them please help.

c!Techno doesn’t like c!Punz. He doesn’t like the fact that they’re complicit in just about everything (including multiple governments and completely unrelated public executions) and the goodwill they got from saving him from the Butcher Army didn’t last very long, especially because he knows they only got involved because c!Dream told them to/paid them to. His opinion of them only further sours after the Eggpire, because, even if they weren’t there for the Red Banquet, they were still working with the Egg. In AUs where c!Punz ends up helping c!Techno (especially if c!Dream is involved), Techno does not trust them one bit and suspects they’re just playing the long con so they can sell him and Dream and the Syndicate out. In versions where Punz tells Techno everything, including the Staged Finale, he thinks they were stupid for not saying no, you can’t do that, to Dream. 

So c!Techno doesn’t like, or trust, c!Punz. But it’s more than just that. c!Techno sees c!Punz as the opposite of him, the person he would hate to be and the person he fears he is, the person who everyone treats him as and expects him to be. A tool, a weapon, something you can buy with some coins or a sob story and point in the direction of your enemies. c!Techno fights so hard against the dehumanization that he faces, reinstates over and over again that he’s a person, not just The Blade; c!Punz accepts that conception of them, leans into it, because it keeps them safe and stops people from asking questions and provides plausible deniability. But, for c!Techno, c!Punz is exactly what their facade is, and that means c!Punz is exactly what he refuses to become.

c!Techno doesn’t like thinking about c!Punz.

c!Punz doesn’t like c!Techno. They don’t like the way that c!Techno broke c!Dream out of prison just to take away his armor and abandon him; they don’t like the fact that he broke c!Dream out so late. They’re tightly strung and hold grudges and need someone to blame so they can distract themself from what the hell is going on, what the fuck was happening in that prison, especially because they don’t know who they can blame for this but Sam and themself and everyone who let them happen. c!Techno’s a better target for their wrath because he’s safely out of reach and c!Punz knows they could never act on it. Just bottle up your anger and stick to the plan.

But it’s not just that they hate him either. c!Punz hates c!Techno, sure, but they’re also jealous of him. c!Techno can be angry and get upset and let other people know about it. c!Techno can get revenge. c!Techno can protect the people he loves. c!Techno can assert his humanity. And c!Punz can’t do any of those things, or, at least, they’re not allowed to.

c!Dream thought that c!Techno was powerful enough to be openly aligned with. c!Dream thought c!Techno was powerful and dangerous enough that he would let him break him out of Pandora’s, banked on c!Techno getting him out, and c!Dream would never let c!Punz do anything like that. c!Dream calls c!Techno a friend despite everything he’s gone through and struggles so much to do the same to c!Punz.

(Deep down, c!Punz almost wishes they were c!Techno)

[its-time-to-write]

i hold it like a grudge - ch. 3

I don’t know why I’m awake and still editing 😭 I have to go to work tomorrow morning. It’s not even the weekend yet and I’m acting like it is but it’s ok, right? Right.

table of contents watch me fall

Five hours later, Keeley is scrolling through pictures of you and Jamie on your phone. 

“Oh my god, you’re both so tiny!” she crows. She can hold her alcohol much better than you would have expected, but by this point, she’s definitely far gone.

You can’t bring yourself to have more than two drinks. Everything leaves behind an acrid taste, so you switched to water a while ago. That means you’re completely fucking sober as Keeley swipes through your entire friendship with Jamie.

“Wow, you two were like, attached at the hip,” she comments. “Is this your mums?”

It’s a picture of two women about the same age, looking at the camera with strained smiles. You remember that day. Your mum had slipped you and Jamie money to get ice cream with the condition that you’d eat it at the shop and not bring it home. She’d looked right into your eyes as she said it, conveying a message beyond her words. You were maybe ten years old and not sure exactly what she meant, but you nodded seriously and ran to drag Jamie down the street.

You and Jamie had come back, hours later with ice cream drips on your shirts, none the wiser to what had transpired in your absence.

“I remember that picture,” you say aloud. “Jamie’s dad took it, the piece of shit. He dropped ‘round and was a happy drunk until he wasn’t. Mum threatened to call the police, but Georgie still came away with a black eye. They thought me and Jaim didn’t know, but,” you shrug. “You know how it is when you’re ten. You know fucking everything.”

Keeley nods, and you take it as an invitation to keep talking. “We used to share a brain, basically. Hardly ever seen without each other. You know we didn’t even date till I was in secondary? Mum was so surprised we weren’t already sneaking around behind her back. Guess she and Georgie used to talk about it a lot. Jamie was home four hours after she died. Not even sure how, really, he was out of town. I asked him about it once and he wouldn’t tell me, the little shit. That night… I couldn’t sleep. It was awful. I sneaked out of my room and down the hall to her bed, because it still smelled like her, you know? I had this dream that she was still there with me and when I woke up it felt like I had lost her all over again. I had to remember that she wasn’t just downstairs making breakfast.”

You pause. It’s all coming out so matter-of-factly, like it happened to someone else.

“Anyway, I just laid there and cried. The first tear had barely fallen when Jamie just came in and got in bed next to me. I think he had just woken up, but he… he held me so fucking tight and whispered, ‘I felt you crying. I can be here as long as you want,’ and then we just stayed there. We were there for fucking…hours. He just let me cry and didn’t say anything, just kissed the tears off my face and handed me tissues. The next couple days he moved all my things from the house to a room at Georgie’s. She had this like, office thing upstairs that was basically a closet, but it was the same layout for mine and theirs so it was familiar if that makes sense? Like they were mirrored, so her room was the same as mum’s and Jamie’s was the same as mine, then a third little bedroom that had room for a bed and that’s pretty much it. Jamie offered his room, but I didn’t want it. It felt wrong, somehow. And I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed to do any of it but he did everything. I think Georgie probably helped, but when it was all done, he brought me over and he’d decorated it just how I would’ve. Except he made a copy of his Roy Kent poster and stuck it on my wall, right next to one of his dumb headshots he liked so much. He slept in that little bed with me every night until he went back. We were nineteen at the time, right before he got signed for City. We loved that team. Used to watch it every time it was on the telly, and he always told me he’d play for them some day and take me to every match, even the away games.”

You trail off. You’ve run out of steam, back in the present reality. This is the first time you’ve allowed yourself to look back fondly, to wonder how Georgie and Simon are.

Meanwhile, Keeley’s staring at you, openmouthed.

“Shit, babe,” she says.

“Shit,” you agree.

“How the fuck did he know you were crying?”

You wiggle your head back and forth. “Like I said, he said he felt it. I mean… sounds strange, but we used to be able to feel when things were wrong with each other. Even if we were in different places. We used to text and be like, ‘oi, you good?’ and every time, the answer was no. It’s like a nauseous feeling, you know?”

“No,” Keeley shakes her head. “I don’t fucking know.”

“Right,” you say, “I’m done being sober. Give me the fucking bottle.”

Keeley cheers and passes it your way. You take a swig and make a face. It still tastes like shit, but it’s better than trying to figure out the implications of Keeley’s five little words.

No. I don’t fucking know.

—

The next week, you’re slipping charms on a necklace for someone name Ashley, part of a set for a wedding party. You’ve had a steady stream of customers this weekend, many tourists from out of town passing through on their way to the heart of London. You check instagram in between sales and see that your location is getting tagged in stories and public posts, and you smile. 

The day passes by smoothly and by the time you lock up, it’s drizzling ever so slightly. You grin and step out the door, turning the lock then back around to head up the street. You run smack into someone and say, “Shit, sorry,” before realizing it’s fucking Jamie. You scoff and go to step around him but he puts himself in your path.

“I’m going back to Manchester,” he tells you without preamble.

“Gaffer sent me back. Thought you might want to know.”

“Okay,” you reply lightly, as if to a stranger, then duck past him again. You hurry away and risk a glance back. He’s still standing in the rain by your store, watching you walk away.

table of contents

[stuckinapril]

I keep thinking about how I met this person thinking they were a good unselfish person only to discover the complete opposite and just feeling disappointed in not being able to see that before… it’s just wild for my brain

I don’t know if that’s necessarily a healthy way to frame it. Not saying you’re wrong in your assessment—I have no context of what you’re actually referring to—but generally speaking I think we fall into the trap of dehumanizing people to a fault when we’re hurt. I feel like it’s less that people are those one-dimensional, inherently awful, irredeemable caricatures and more that maybe two people crossed paths at a time they weren’t ready to cross paths yet. Maybe you were confident and assertive and unwilling to dim yourself, and that brought out their insecurities and forced them to confront questions about themselves they weren’t ready to answer yet. Maybe they didn’t have the best emotional regulation to begin with and couldn’t factor your own emotions into the equation. Maybe they had a rough situation at home. This isn’t an excuse for anyone’s shitty behavior, but it’s an exercise in empathy that’s required in any kind of relationship.

It does suck to find out someone isn’t who you thought they were. I’ve been there so many times. But if they really were this horrendous character, then they’re just become another lesson for you to refer to whenever you’re vetting people. They’re another data point to draw on whenever you’re deciding whether you’ll invest in someone or not. And the more people you experience, the more you’ll realize that people tell you who they are in little ways all the fucking time. I’ve historically given people more grace than I likely should’ve, but even then no one was so good at masking that I wasn’t on to them in some capacity. It’s at that point that you kind of have to ask “do I want to keep going w this, or am I at a place where I want someone who’s a little more able to meet me where I am?” and sometimes it’s good to drop it and sometimes it’s good to pursue it and see where it goes. People are so unique and individual that there’s no one size fits all for this kind of thing. That’s something for you to gauge.

If ultimately you do have a horrible experience w someone, I don’t think holding on to the anger is healthy. Some people do feed off of that and get off of it and validate themselves w it, but I think that’s a juvenile mindset that needs to be left back in middle school. For me I just go through that person’s rationale for doing what they did, however imperfect that rationale is, accept that it happened, and then just move on w my life. You can call that a form of forgiveness, but I see it less as forgiving someone and more as making peace w them (and w the situation itself) for my own benefit. It doesn’t have to involve actually speaking to the other person. It doesn’t have to involve confronting them or seeking them out for closure. It could just be you, by yourself, coming to terms w what happened, drawing your own private conclusions. It really is so powerful to realize you could give yourself closure, without being at the mercy of someone who may or may not grant it to you.

That to me has always been superior to burning energy holding on to petty grudges that don’t go anywhere. You want to always navigate things like this w your limited time on this earth in mind & where you wanna put it—and moving on faster gives you the ability to try again w the next person, rather than drive yourself crazy agonizing over someone who’s no longer in your life. Choosing to dwell in negativity harms no one but you in the end. Respect your time, make peace w what happened, and let it go.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

More replies! :)

hipsterteller asked:

I saw the artwork of Jade and Rook, and the only thing I could say is-

"Oh please tell me they didn't kill someone"

+

Anonymous asked:

Yep, both weirdos doing weird stuff. Also, context on their murder?

I really love how the first ask is in denial, hoping for the best, and the second one is “alright who did they kill this time” LOL

Unfortunately though, there is no context, I’m just sure this is something both of them do, so it’s only a matter of time until they stumble upon each other. It would definitely be funny…

I keep joking about Jade just feeding randos with his mushrooms, even though it’s not really how mushrooms work, but I’ll keep telling this joke until the day I die and get buried in the forest myself lol

Anonymous asked:

MEGARA!

YES!!!!! <3 <3 <3

Your childhood crushes really cement one’s type… we rewatched Hercules about a year ago, and it really made me remember just how much I loved this girl.

Anonymous asked:

seeing idia in a consensual relationship/situation with azul is like a jumpscare on this page

Thank you Anon!! I’m genuinely happy that you’re so used to seeing messed-up stuff that anything wholesome seems surprising lol We really do have our preferences…

But if that makes it easier, with these two it’s almost always just a fleeting moment before they start arguing again over something super unimportant or messing up each other’s lives. There is no way these could actually coexist without it lol

Anonymous asked:

Ironically enough if Azul was Regina I could see Vil being a decent Janis

He doesn't share a lot of the same fashion traits as her but he is honest and can hold a grudge for a long time

(this is related to one reply from this post)

Wow, Vil as Janis is something I never considered. This type of pettiness is closer to Vil’s, that’s true lol

Jamil would also maybe work as Janis.

But now all I can think about is Vil in a grungy-punky look… a complete delusion, but an aesthetically pleasing one.

Anonymous asked:

This sounds a bit too mean (to Malleus), but what reactions do you think he may have if Lilia's fucking him and accidentally moans his mother's name instead 👀

Since we can’t say anything about ch7 yet (still haven’t watched it), so there might be any specific aspect that I’m missing, but in general I’m pretty sure Malleus is going to be super damn pissed if Lilia moaned any name that isn’t his while they have sex lol He might even get angry and destroy everything and only then go “wait what?” realising what the name was.

blackbutlerfandomnerddomain asked:

I might bombard the inbox with thoughts so sorry in advance! I lowkey see Sebek and Silver starting as a thing after realizing Malleus and Lilia were a thing (I find the idea Silver having the Windows reloading sound in his mind as he’s like “Ooooooooh” when realizing his two dads are lovers really funny), and I’m currently writing a fic based of Ch.7 where Sebek kissed Silver finally during the fight, making them official finally

No worries, as long as you don’t mind waiting. You know how it is with me and replies lol, but I’m slowly but surely replying to everything.

Bonding over the trauma of realisation that Malleus and Lilia are a thing lol well jokes aside, it’s probably not as traumatic for Silver, but the realisation could still be the “oh” moment for sure. Let Malleus and Lilia be an example for the younglings lol

Good luck with your fic!^^

Anonymous asked:

Hear me out: Fem Idia with the song Worst Taste In Girls by Charley

Alright now that I’ve finally listened to the song!

She really does have the worst taste in girls… Although, she has even less autonomy in her love life than the heroine of the song unfortunately lol But Idia is prone to thinking that whenever things go kinda well, it’s never going to last long.

[maybeimamuppet]

11 and 12 for Cady

12, 15, 23 and 54 for Ronnie

17 and 29 fot Janis

25 for Karen

27 for Regina

hello nonnie holy cow thank you

cady

11 if someone was impersonating them, what would friends/family ask or do to tell the difference?

answered here!

12 what’s something that makes them laugh every single time? be specific!

this vine, really horrible dad jokes, the sound sheet metal makes when you shake it, goofy animal videos

veronica

12 what’s something that makes them laugh every single time? be specific!

martha quoting the princess bride especially in wildly inappropriate circumstances, dark jokes (what do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic? about halfway), also really horrible dad jokes, sometimes nothing at all, watching people fall down especially little kids

15 what’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?

at home she’s very reclusive. she loves her family but they do not understand her and not just in the teenager way so they have a sort of “we live in the same environment but i have my zone and you have yours” vibe. in school she’s more social. more of her real personality comes out when she’s around strangers and martha, she hides and adapts bits and pieces around the heathers and jd

23 what do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t/don’t even remember?

she still feels guilty for everything she did to duke but everyone else also did shit to duke so it all just blends together

she feels guilty for dissing the heathers before she joined them

ignoring a key point of the plot she feels guilty for. y’know. murder (they’re dead what are they gonna remember)

54 what’s their instinct in a fight/flight/freeze/fawn situation?

fawn 1000000%. freeze first but once she processes it she’s absolutely a fawn.

janis

17 what do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people notice looking at them?

janis: damn, i look cool as fuck

others: damn, she looks cool as fuck

in all seriousness i don’t think janis spends all that much time looking at herself if she’s not doing something. so i think like when she’s doing her makeup she’s thinking about her makeup and stuff so i don’t think any features in particular would jump out at her. and she also doesn’t strike me as having too many insecurities about her face and body that she agonizes over

29 how do they respond when someone doesn’t believe them?

BIG MAD. she will hunt down any proof she can find and provide receipts and will hold grudges against people who don’t believe her. big sad also but mostly mad

karen

25 what subject/topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot? tw sa mention

she knows so many facts that are completely incorrect

she also knows the entire history word for word of the founding and expansion of taco bell as a national chain

she knows exactly when specific emojis were added or changed and how they were changed

and she knows a concerning amount about everything related to sexual assault and sexual health and porn and things of that nature

regina

27 what’s the worst gift they ever received? how did they respond?

honestly it’s probably something like her parents got her one of those kiddy phones in middle school so they could monitor her and introduce her to that world slowly instead of a smartphone right away

or just something like that that’s similar but off brand/not specifically what she wanted

and i wholeheartedly believe she threw that shit in the fire or the pool or down the stairs or whatever and had a full tantrum in the meantime

[creedslove]

I completely understand what you mean with the reader always forgiving Pedro so fast!! Sometimes I’m just like “wait.. that’s it???” With stories haha. But I am also very good at holding grudges and staying mad lmao.

Personally I am a sucker for happy endings bc life is already too sad for me so I hope if you continue the story, they will eventually work things out. But I’m 100% on board with things taking time. Especially after he left her like that to fuck someone else. That was honestly so cruel..

Like you said, he knows how she feels. And he did all that just to break her heart all over again. Just because he’s being selfish and doesn’t want to lose her as a friend.. that really is fucked up! I definitely think he needs someone, like his sisters or Sarah, to be like “what in the fuck Pedro????”

So I would love for Pedro to realise how badly he hurt her and feel a bit of that hurt too. I also really love the “she falls first, he falls harder” thing.

I don’t know how many parts you would want to write but I would love for the reader to kinda “mean up” and just straight up be like “you’re a fucking asshole and I don’t want to see you” to Pedro. Like don’t take that kinda shit from a guy! And especially not someone that calls himself a friend..

That’s actually another thing, Pedro wanted to take her as a thanks for always supporting him and being a great friend etc.. but he’s not really being a good friend to her at all.

So yeah, that’s one thing I would love to see. Reader standing up for herself and realising she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that and making sure Pedro knows that. And I want him to feel bad lmao

But pedro is being an idiot and still tries to keep going like normal but reader is like fuck that and distances herself and pedro slowly realising that he fucked up pretty bad and is completely losing her

Idk, like I said. Personally I love happy endings because real life already sucks enough but that’s of course completely up to you! This was just some ideas, maybe something will spark the writing inspiration. But I’m super glad you’re willing to do a part 2! Hope you have a good day!! :)

OMG ANON, JUST PREACH!!!

I agree 100% with everything you said!

I mean, we all love Pedro and that's why some people choose to have a happy ending fast, but I don't like that, I mean, I love happy endings too, but honestly, I love the hurt and angst more, lol!

I want a happy ending, but it's unfair if reader just forgives him and let him give her his crumbles just because he doesn't want to let go of their friendship. He knew damn well what he was doing, I mean, even if he didn't know reader had romantic feelings for him, or even if she didn't love him at all, it would still be so rude of him to just ignore her and send her home alone in order to go fuck someone else. It gives that 'i found someone better than you' vibe, you know?

I really like your ideas and I was thinking something similar, but the thing is, if I go along with it, then there's gonna be more than just the second part 😉 and Pedro will have to be even more of a dick to reader...

And if I'm being honest literally just five minutes before my shift started I began writing the second part. It is still some loose ideas but, it's something right? Even if I am able to work more on it, I still have a Javier Peña work to post before and then we'll see how it goes. I will also officially open my requests for Pedro and Javier (and Joel when I start tlou) later this week, because I don't want to accumulate a lot of work.

But if you have any other ideas, let me know, I really love those!

[laputaindefrenchgirl]

back to my future.

I wrote this in 2016 : I don’t want to apologize. 

I try this thing, you know, where you just try to not expect anything from anyone. Let’s face it, when you come to some point, it’s complete bullshit.

I shouldn’t apologize.

I’m fierce, and I love myself (oh, my bad!), but when it comes to my social relationships (meaning out of my relatives ones), they call me mature, respectful, and thoughtful even. I’m not the best, for sure. But I’ve come a long way, and I had my lots of disappointments, so why the hell should I tame myself ; my fire, my light, my inner strength. Why should I go in this dark corner as you please, and suffocate inside?

I can’t apologize.

Life taught me many, many things, and what comes out of it is that you got to set the world on fire, no matter what. I haven’t been there and suffered from unfair stupid people to just stand in some bloody corner, and not let myself be heard.

This is not okay. But I’m listening, always do, and even if I didn’t nod hearing your reasons, I still heard them. I’m completely thrown off by your stupidity and I can’t agree, but I hear you.

I should apologize. 

Because it seems that I’m strong and you’re weak, and you don’t have my iron will. Yeah, I really should say that I’m sorry. I know I can hold a grudge like no one, and that’s maybe the most stupid thing in all of this.

And I wrote this today, in 2023 : holy fucking shit. 

I was seriously guilty tripping myself over someone (I can only guess who it was because I do not remember properly). It was a period of time where I graduated from a school full of bullies, I was starting therapy, and working on a relationship which I thought could be repaired.

Probably the main thing that changed, that evolved was that I know that I will never, ever tame myself for anyone. No questions, no wonders, period. Some growth happened, but not in the way it was expected. I held myself in my own arms and just understood that it is alright to be sensitive, to have a depth of feelings wider that I ever thought I could be capable of. I dove into my own watery self, and almost a decade later, it made me shine even harder. 

Because I tried to give myself more room to explore, understand bits of myself which were not encouraged or seen, not even by I, it gave me a sort of gentleness. I sincerely wasn’t aware that I could be kind. 

And I still wouldn’t say that I’m kind as a main trait of my character, but I know that I can be when I want to. It feels stupid to write this but how true it is. How naive and childish and arrogant I can be. How demanding am I of my own soul. 

Around 2018, I tried to shush myself. It became too much inside, a toxic pressure building for years, and I was like, “let’s try to not shine, not speak about yourself, to not be loud about what you want”. What a mistake. Maybe though, this one was needed. For four months, I held this behavior to please, have peace, not receive remarks. Guess what? I was still depicted as the bad guy, and verbally abused by some. I was in such pain, and inside, I became wild, like a wounded animal, doing what it would have to do in order to survive. For the first time in my life, I was reaching one of my limit. This is how I knew this road wasn’t for me. And I tried, you know. I guess I’m not a people pleaser, and neither good at pretending shit.

This is how I realized that I was not meant for what anyone would EVER expect of me, not even my owns tricky expectations. I am a sort of messy magnet for light and gratitude, yet I burn, selfish as it may be, and I’m not here to apologize for any of this. I’m a force and I’m fragile. This works both ways.

Although, let’s face it, do I still hold grudges like a fucking pro? Absolutely.

I would even dare to say that I’m against forgiveness, and I know, it sounds silly, immature, ruthless. This is where I am today and I’m not going against this feeling because fuck you, babe. I don’t have to justify this at all. I think just most people forget that maybe, people who hurt like I did and keep on holding grudges are probably the most sensitive people of all. If not, then I’m just a dumb bitch and that’s okay too.

Back to the main meal, don’t carry too much guilt over your shoulders. Keep your stamina to carry better things such as love, empathy and some badassery. Not all villains wear cloaks, some might wear their heart on their sleeves as well. 

“It takes guts be to gentle and kind.” The Smiths

-Audrey

[donut-cloud]

Lifesteal smp incorrect quotes

Ashswag: You’re a loose cannon, Branzy . Branzy : No, I’m not. I’m a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me? Vitalasy: I think you play by your own rules. McClutch: No way, they think rules were made to be broken. Ashswag: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon. Branzy : No, I’m just a reckless renegade. Subz is a loose cannon. Subz: *smashes a chair* Aah! You shut your trap, Branzy ! McClutch: I’d say Subz’s more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That’s an entirely different thing. Vitalasy: Now I’m just confused. Is Branzy a loose cannon or not? Ashswag: All right, put on a pot of coffee. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this. Branzy : *groans* Subz: Aw, man.

Subz: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be? McClutch: Maybe a bit tipsy? Branzy : Drunk. Vitalasy: Wasted. Ashswag: Dead.

Vitalasy: Problem, I can't tell if this food is over-sauced or undercooked. McClutch: Solution, just pop it back in the oven for another 10 minutes. There's at least a 50% chance that'll fix it, right? Ashswag: Result? Food has somehow become unpleasantly soggy and unpleasantly crunchy at the exact same time. Branzy : No better time than this to pull out my favorite word! Slunchy! Subz: ...put it away.

Clown: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… Branzy and I are dating. Lifesteal  and Branzy : *gasp* Vitalasy: Branzy, why are you surprised?!

Subz: You know what I learned from my friendship with Ashswag? Vitalasy: There’s no such thing as too mean? Reddoons: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them? Branzy : Always hold a grudge?

McClutch: *runs up to doors* McClutch: Be careful, Vitalasy ! These doors say "Blast Danger"!

Vitalasy : Like, no offense to myself and all, but what the fuck am I actually doing?

McClutch I got us matching friendship bracelets, and you say I don't care about our relationship. Ashswag: These are handcuffs. McClutch: Yeah, 'cause we're partners in crime!

Clown : Branzy... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now. Branzy: *muffled* mm hmmm :) Clown : Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.

Branzy: I don't follow the rules. I follow dogs on social media.

Vitalasy : I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person.

Branzy: Why are you late? Ashswag: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness. Branzy: Overslept? Ashswag: Overslept.

Branzy: Okay, two person huddle. Ashswag: You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug.

Subz : Y’know, maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m here. I got the nice ocean breeze. Just alone with my thoughts. Vitalasy: Hey, Subz . Subz : GODDAMNIT!

Ashswag: Can I have some? Subz, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it.

McClutch: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one. Branzy: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

McClutch: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie. Vitalasy : Ooh, can we get some actual pie? McClutch: I like the way you think.

McClutch: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie. Vitalasy : Ooh, can we get some actual pie? McClutch: I like the way you think.

McClutch: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons! Branzy: Bet you I can! Vitalasy : *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

Ashswag: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella? McClutch: Don't ever speak to me again.

Branzy: Why is Subz crying on the floor? Vitalasy : They took one of those 'what person are you?' quizzes. Branzy: And? Vitalasy : They got McClutch.

Branzy: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking. Clown, patting him on the back: Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

Branzy: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it. Branzy: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

Branzy: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to McClutch.

Reddoons: We’re getting married, bitches! Ashswag: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem.

Vitaslasy: Even Subz and I have been getting closer. The other day, he gave me half of their sandwich. Subz: I mistook them for a garbage can.

Branzy: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you. Clown: That's great, Branzy. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

Reddoons : Where are you going? Ashswag: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one! Reddoons : I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday! Branzy, knowing full well that Reddoons got Ashswag an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*

McClutch: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. McClutch: That's why I own TEN guns. McClutch: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Vitalasy : Jesus Saves. McClutch: Passes to Moses, SCOOOOOORE!

Vitalasy : Are you listening to me? Ashswag: *nods* Vitalasy : What did I just say? Vitalasy : *nods* Vitalasy : ...

Reddoons : Why aren’t you sleeping? Ashswag: I’m too busy plotting your murder to sleep, Reddoons . Reddoons : Ashswag: ...The nightmares. Reddoons : *wrapping their arms around Ashswag* Awwww, sweetie-

Branzy: It’s time to turn this into a real business. Subz: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes? McClutch: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes? Vitalasy : I handle our accounting.

Ashswag: Italics. Ashswag: Yeah, Italians.

Branzy: Look, Vitalasy , it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

Subz: Hey McClutch, do you have any hobbies? McClutch: Swimming.. Subz: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to- McClutch: In a pool of self hatred and regret.

Branzy: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep? Ashswag: Yes? Branzy: We’re in too deep.

McClutch: What is everyone for Halloween? Branzy: I’m superman. Vitalasy : A clown. McClutch: So I’m guessing we don’t need to get you a costume then?

McClutch: I told Vitalasy to grab snacks for everyone. Ashswag, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks? *McClutch, Vitalasy , and Branzy raise their hands*

Ashswag: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt? McClutch: McClutch: Why are you eating dirt? Ashswag: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

Vitalasy : Ashswag- Ashswag: *sighs* Subz used to call me Ashswag... Vitalasy : ...Because it's your fucking name.

McClutch: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses. Subz: The big five licenses? McClutch: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.

Vitalasy : I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

McClutch: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you’re not allowed to do it.

McClutch, to Vitalasy : If you can ever manage to get over yourself, I would highly recommend being me.

Branzy: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows.

Subz: You’ve got to learn to love yourself. Ashswag: But don't you hate yourself. Subz: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

Vitalasy : The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.

McClutch: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

Branzy: Why does everyone want to kill McClutch? Vitalasy : Because, goddamnit, have you seen them? Their neck looks so snappable.

Ashswag: Okay! Let’s play Kiss Marry Kill! Ashswag: First who would you kill? *Madtiger points at Branzy* *Rek points at Branzy* *Chief points at Branzy* Branzy: *shrugs* I would kill me too.

(this is a refrence to this video www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyAaEibwRsI)

McClutch: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like- Clown, to Branzy: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual. Reddoons , to Ashswag: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire. Branzy: There are two types of people.

Branzy: I just found out from Ashswag today that when Vitalasy died and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, McClutch said, “They should aim at the coffin to be sure.”

McClutch: We’re about to do the taser challenge. You want in? Vitalasy : What's the taser challenge? Subz: We tase eachother, then drink. Vitalasy : How do you win? McClutch: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?

*In a horror movie situation* Subz: I've got no service in my phone here. McClutch: Shoot, my battery just died. Vitalasy : Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer. Branzy: Guys, my phone is a book.

Branzy: I need 28 lightbulbs for 28 ducks. McClutch: Ducks can’t eat lightbulbs? Ashswag: I think that’s the point. Branzy: Exactly. I want my ducks to glow so I can find them.

Vitalasy : I'm not doing to well. Ashswag: What's wrong? Vitalasy : I have this headache that comes and goes. *Branzy enters the room* Vitalasy : There it is again.

Reddoons : Can I have your number? Ashswag, visible texting: I don't have a phone.

Ashswag: You don't think I can fight! Vitalasy : I don't think you can fight because you're in a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Subz can fight in that dress either. Subz: Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride.

Branzy & Vitalasy in the back of Subz's car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! Subz: We have food at home. Subz: *pulls into the McDonald's drivethrough* Branzy & Vitalasy : YAYYYYYY! Subz: *orders one black coffee and leaves*

Subz: McClutch, is that my mug you’re drinking out of? McClutch: No, it’s mine. Subz: It... looks just like the one I have... McClutch: You don’t have one like this anymore.

Subz: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog… Ashswag: What’s updog? Subz: Branzy! Get in here, I told you I could do it!

Branzy: Christmas is cancelled. Subz: You can't cancel a holiday. Branzy: Keep it up, Subz, and you'll lose New Year's too. Subz: What does that mean? Branzy: Ashswag, take New Year's away from Subz.

Spoke: Is this about me? Parrot: No. Spoke: Then I've lost interest.

Ashswag: Where did you get that tomato soup? Branzy: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

Parrot: I can't imagine what Ashswag is planning. But I can tell you two things. I won't like it and it won't be legal.

Vitalasy : So, what are we doing? Ashswag: Wasting our lives. Vitalasy : I meant for lunch...

McClutch: All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

Subz: Do you guys hear something? Branzy: I hear the sound of you shutting the fuck up.

Vitalasy : We have fun, don’t we, Subz? Subz: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

McClutch: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium* Branzy: McClutch, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Ashswag: How did you break your leg? McClutch: Do you see those porch stairs? Ashswag: Yes. McClutch: I didn't.

Ashswag: Branzy spat in Vitalasy 's ear today when they were sitting on the couch together. Subz: ...What?! Why?! Ashswag, shrugging: You tell me.

Branzy: They say that the most valuable things cost nothing. Vitalasy : They also say that being cheap is an annoying trait, so don’t overuse that excuse.

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Branzy* Branzy: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

Ashswag: My life isn't as glamourous as my wanted posters makes it look.

Vitalasy : Why does Branzy always do the laundry so loudly? McClutch: So everyone knows that no one helps him out in the house. Branzy, in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*

Reddoons : Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!? Ashswag: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Ashswag: We’re having a moment, aren’t we? Branzy: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

Ashswag: I'm feeling it! What am I feeling? Death, probably.

[troofless]

yo i finished umineko and here is my tierlist on how much i enjoyed the characters. thoughts further below.

overall i would not recommend to anyone else because the plot thread is so hard to follow for a minimal payoff 6 chapters later (everything is revealed in chapter 7 and chapter 8 is a fucking nightmare of a tying up loose ends that was fucking painful to go through), EVEN CONSIDERING that it is a ‘murder mystery’ meant to be reread several times. would rate it i don’t understand why people call it iconic/10.

my main thoughts/grudges with the story:

let me preface by saying that battler is amazing. meta battler, piece battler, whatever, he stayed a consistent sunny force throughout the entire novel and is always a delight to watch his journey and thoughts throughout the game. he stays consistently empathetic, forgiving, despite his growth into a hardened warrior of a intelligent mystery solver on the ruthless gameboard of the likes of bern, beatrice, and lambda. this is why i thoroughly dislike when the game diverts away from his POV to someone else’s, mainly ange’s and later on, will’s.

about ange: i hate ange. her whole arc was about her struggling with being forgiving and not forgiving everything, shown with the scenes of imaginary maria and her journey to rokkenjima. i really liked the scene when she commanded the seven stakes to kill her classmates but they couldn’t, causing her to shun then, which has a huge payoff later on when she is told later how that keys into the basis of magic, where as long as no one else knows how things happen, magic can hide human crimes as magic. but then ange takes up so much time away from battler and the mystery just for her own angst filled journey that eventually ends in an anticlimatic end - battler in chapter 8 coaxes her to believe that magic and love can be an encouraging force, and she shuns that completely, opening the diary - up until here, that’s ok because i too wanted to know the truth, but then when she opens the diary she shuns the truth??? and suddenly she runs back to battler like a wounded animal saying that she should have trusted battler all along like a proverbial son. and it’s done so abruptly that i hate it. at the end of it all i just wanted her journey to be over and go back to battler, the obviously better protagonist of the two. i get that ange is supposed to be a flawed human being in contrast with bitterness and hatred and jadedness, but it is also because of those same flaws that make her so boring because she’s just so predictable.

also let me say here, that i fucking hate sakutaro. sakutaro was okay as a lion, but the moment they made him a human avatar with that annoying ass uryu tick i fucking hated it. maria was already ticking me off by taking so much screen time with her scene with her and rosa, MARIA convincing ange ‘magic is real!!’ and the whole sequence where ange imagines her being friends with the seven stakes. it was pulling time away from the mystery with beatrice and battler to set up something that could be explained in fewer scenes - that you need love to believe and twist the truth or some other theme relating to that - and it was utter torture going through all of ange’s moments because of this.

about beatrice: so sayo/yasu was basically three-timing battler (by holding onto feelings for him), jessica, and george. which is just. why. the twist is classic for a murder mystery - i particularly like the clue that kanon’s body is never found after he’s murdered, shannon and kanon are never seen together by other people, shannon is the only one who knows natsuhi’s favourite season is autumn, when beatrice marks them with a butterfly burn so they know them meeting her is real the marks are identical on their hands to show they share the same body - so it’s fine. but the whole business with her manipulating other people’s feelings is just so weird and fucked up that i (battler) can’t condone. plus, who is she really? at the end she meets up with battler as beatrice and jumps into the ocean, which means that she has settled on beatrice being the dominant personality but that’s just cruel to the other two personalities that suddenly feel a lot ‘lesser’ because of this. also, the possibilities for incest with the reveal (triple incest with battler jessica and george, lmao) makes it so funny. 

my dislike for the narrative: throughout the entire game, it’s basically a given that narrative lies to you; about shannon/kanon, about the fantasy stuff that happens in the mystery sections not being real but a lie told by someone’s POV, the sprites of beatrice, shannon and kanon, being wholly different even though there’s no way they don’t look similar in reality, even the meta sections or the sequences where ange is in the real world don’t actually occur. it confused the hell out of me and made me so frustrated because they never explain the lies either; the solution to the mysteries for all the games are never explained but vaguely alluded to, meaning i have to pick up a wiki or reddit section to get explanations for those. heck, i didn’t even know or theorise that kanon was one of yasu’s personas until i pulled up a reddit section after the end of the game! i hate that the game doesn’t give you the answers, i get that they’re supposed to make you think, but that’s just bad mystery writing. explain all the tricks fairly by the end of the book.

the epitaph: the fact that someone solved it as soon as chapter 5 was amazing, but i hate that they didn’t give the taiwan hint until chapter 7. insert something about a detective rule that all hints should be given at the start of the game bla bla. i do like the quadrillion hints from as far as chapter 2 (battler offhandedly mentioning it when he visits the chapel?) and chapter 4 (photo from kumasawa’s family visit?) though.

THE FUCKING JEBAIT IN THE NAMES OF THE GAME. ANSWER ARC IS NOT ANSWER ARC. YOU ONLY GET ANSWERS IN CHAPTER 7. chapter 5 and 6 are a fucking pain in the ass to get through because of this, ESPECIALLY WHEN they tease battler understanding beatrice but never explaining what it is at all. (and yes i didn’t know how to solve chapter 6 logic error at all after chapter 6 ended.) and the fact that chapter 7 has the nerve to start with WILL as the protagonist and battler never appears... is so infuriating. tldr i spent 4 chapters of the question arcs having so many questions, making theories, enduring all the shitty fantasy sequence bullshit because i thought everything would be answered in the ANSWER ARC and have a huge payoff only to be sorely disappointed by the shitty answers that were chapter 5 and 6. i truly believe that if chapter 2, 4 and 5 didn’t exist, the game would have been better. 

i might as well put it in now that i remember that i spent the first half of chapter 2 groaning at how shitty it was that they had to divert from the interesting mystery - especially after the wonderful hook of chapter 1 tea party - to tell about the love story of george/shannon and jessica/kanon that i was wholly uninterested in, and it only got interesting once the mystery section came into play. and yes, all things considered, i still think that whole section should be cut out, or at least in later sections, slashed in size because yes we need to hear that shannon destroyed the mirror like five different times in five different points of the story, stop recapping pointless things!!!! (yes i know it’s supposed to key into the mystery that shannon is sus and later in the reveal that beatrice blew it up with dynamite cements that she is shannon)

also i hate the fight scenes like bern having to go the extra length to hold a single truth book party which has to lead to a fight scene with lambda that ends with the storyteller god killing lambda because 1. they are so obviously fantasy and the narrative blatantly tells you that they are using this to misguide you and 2. exactly as above. they are all skippable because of that in my mind.

oh yeah. and kyrie shooting eva but not checking to see that eva is dead is so completely bullshit, especially since it happens TWICE with beatrice, and then A THIRD TIME with eva again. like i hate the author for making her look incompetent as hell without giving a satisfactory explanation like she was rushing for time or rudolf chased her out of the room or smth.

welp, i’m just glad that now i can look for cool fanart know what they mean and browse through the wiki and ao3 to soothe my enraged heart from the shitty storytelling of umineko.

anyway, here are some fun screenshots i got from reddit while i was post-reading the wiki and reddit for answers even as basic as HOW TO SOLVE BATTLER’S LOGIC ERROR IN CHAPTER 6:

[werebutch]

The way my parents ruined my coming adulthood is insane. I take after my dad who is a deadbeat and neglectful and just a fucking idiot in general. And of course I got all the Sickness genes from him so I’m soooo happy about that. But anyways I’m not talking abt that I’m talking abt how he’s ruined the chances of me having kids. Obviously I would not birth them myself 😭 but I love kids and love the idea of having them in the future. But I know I shouldn’t bc of how my parents are.. I know I don’t have enough willpower to completely turn around what my parents have raised me like and break the cycle. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m just being realistic. And in reality I am a lazy unmotivated short tempered person who gets way too caught up in depression and my own feelings. Just like my dad. It’s not nearly as bad as him but I’m sure it will get worse over time. It’s selfish of me to think this of him and resent him over things he mostly can’t control but it’s so hard not to. When me and my sisters needed him most he was sleeping and watching movie after movie on the couch never moving. I had to start taking care of myself and my sisters age 11 through being extremely suicidal, chronically ill, and bullied. I developed ptsd from it which has certainly gotten better over the years but it still affects me. I just have too many issues to have kids. I’ve used up all my nurturing energy on my sisters (and even my parents because they act like children) when I shouldn’t have needed to. The whole thing is just ruined for me and that’s one reason I’ll always hold a grudge against my parents, but especially my dad. Which is ironic because it’s my mother who left. I’ll only be able to enjoy being around kids when they’re someone else’s.

[777erendipity]

tonight has been tough. i wish today wouldn’t of happened. i have too much shit going in in my life. i feel like im running away from everything. from heartbreak and grief and sadness. and i do a good job at running from it and keeping up. i slap a smile on my face and keep trudging despite the cards ive been dealt. but every once in awhile, it catches up to me. and it all crashes on me. i felt it in the back of my throat at work and i shoved it down because i still had 10 hours left. i got home and smoked. i listened to “think of me once and awhile” by take care and “moonlight on the river” by mac demarco back and fourth on repeat for an hour. its the first time ive been able to cry in awhile.

i really miss my mom. she’d know what to say. i know i speak of her like she’s dead but she’s not. but she isn’t really here either. sometimes i want to believe that this is just a short period of her life and she’ll get better but this is our future. where she’s at right now is how things will be for the rest of her life. i know it’s my fault that these things happened. everybody will say im wrong but i know it is. i want her to hold me like a child. i’m tired of being the strong one here. i wish i could of enjoyed being taken care of by her for longer.

i want so badly to run back. i don’t know how he could of ever thought that we just broke up and i just didn’t care. i showed through that entire relationship that i cared deeply. i want how things were but i know that’s just looking at things through rose colored glasses. things weren’t good. yeah did we have one good day like every two weeks? yes. and it was magical and wonderful and at that time, even though i wanted so much more, i settled for some of him than none because i didn’t know how to live without him. i love waking up each day and not feeling like im getting cheated on. i love not having to compare myself to other women. or to keep bumping down my standards to stay in love. i love not having to depend on someone to give me the bare minimum like “hi how are you doing?”. it’s freeing. i didn’t realize how broken i was til i was out. i want to run back but i cant. i can’t go back to feeling so worthless. not when i know i deserve better and there’s better out there for me. my future is shaky and unstable and i need someone supporting me by my side, not against me and borderline hating me. it pisses me off how mad he is that i’m slightly moving on. he fucked with so many other women through our relationship whether he’ll admit to all of it or not. i never cheated once. he didn’t want anything to do with me those last couple months. and i just stayed there and waited like a dog just for him to tell me that he’s moving away for good and he’s mad that after we have broken up, im hanging around “the idiot in the white truck”? give me a break and go run off to one of your 35,847 fwbs. but i know i shouldn’t be saying all of that. i wanted to really start not being such a cunt and holding grudges but here we are.

i know the only way i’d go back is that my brain got wiped from that last year and he was a completely different person. even if he did do all the things he said he would last week and change completely. that doesn’t erase the past. even when things were going good, all the things that he had done still weighed on my heart because of how much it hurt. i was hoping it’d go away but i realize now when someone breaks you like that? you can’t look at them the same. so the love is still there but its confusing because you don’t know how you can give something so precious of yours to a person that could care so little about you. that’s why i know there won’t be a future with us. i try not to think about it because it hurts but it’s been on my mind all day. parts of me mourn it and other parts are like “girl why tf are you getting all sad over a dude who said you were asking for too much when you wanted to see him when your mom was in the hospital???”. i hate how he’s talking about things that he wanted to do. all the things that i wanted that entire year that he never gave me, now he wants to give me? i call bull. why was i appreciated so late? anyways i’m exhausted. i worked for 11 straight hours with no breaks. all i got is a red bull and vape in my system which isn’t really agreeing well with me. i have another long day tomorrow. i gonna call my mom and just sit with the sound of her breathing for awhile, it’ll feel like she’s closer to me that way.