#and i really cannot say *especially* lup enough times

[anistarrose]

to me, the most fascinating (and utterly unintentional) feature of TAZ Balance's narrative structure is the way that on the first listen, Tres Horny Boys are the audience surrogates because they, much like us, have no idea what the fuck is going on, but on all subsequent relistens, then Lucretia, and sometimes Barry, and arguably especially Lup in the umbrella become the new audience stand-ins, because just like us, they are, in fact, painfully aware of what the fuck is going on :)

[barry-j-blupjeans]

davenport and hiraeth?

hiraeth - a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

--

The Starblaster was quiet this cycle. At night, the effects of it hit especially hard. They had the Light, at the very least. Though, at the cost of Taako, Lup, and Magnus, Davenport didn't really know if it was worth it.

Of course it was worth it. Of course it was. He had to believe that it was, or else all of this would be for nothing. He couldn't keep putting them through this if he gave up hope that they weren't actually helping anyone. He couldn't live with himself. Not that he could really stand to live with himself now.

The Starblaster being quiet was all the worst kinds of wrong. The steady hum of the ship always went from comforting to aching, a sort of longing that left him burning instead of breathless. Davenport couldn't really escape it anywhere he went. There were two weeks left of this cycle and he had made the executive call to keep everyone inside. Whatever war was waging down planetside was none of their business.

(It had been easier to convince Barry and Lucretia of that once they had lost everyone else. Merle didn't need convincing, having gone to Parley at the start of the cycle. Sometimes... sometimes Davenport resented that Merle could just leave like that. He'd never admit it.)

The only other noises were from Barry and Lucretia. Davenport had better hearing as a gnome, and though he'd never confess to using it to make sure his crewmates were safe, he just liked to know. Barry, according to his ears, had finally stopped tossing and turning enough to sleep. His breathing was deep and peaceful, probably for the first time in the past few weeks. Davenport strained his ears for Lucretia and heard her on the deck. There was a light clicking sound accompanying her and Davenport knew she was painting.

When he got out there, she was, in fact, painting. They had picked up a few canvases for her two cycles ago. Lup, specifically, had picked up the triangle one she was using now. On it was a scene that Davenport recognized quite well: The bunks of the IPRE's main building, where recruits would go when having to train on base.

Davenport had grown up in those bunks.

"Did I wake you?" Lucretia asked, glancing back at him anxiously.

"No," Davenport said. "I, uh. I haven't tried to sleep yet."

Lucretia made a little noise to show she had heard him but didn't say anything more. She dipped her paintbrush in the blue. Davenport padded up to stand near her.

He had been seven when he first moved into the dorms. Well, seven and a half. They had given him his own room because there hadn't really been protocol for what to do with children like him yet. Yet, like they had made any in the future, which they hadn't. On his fourth birthday, they had put him in a bunk with three other people for the first time. On his forty-fifth birthday, he had moved up enough ranks to get his own room again.

The room Lucretia was painting had four bunks. Davenport swallowed.

"Are you... good?" Lucretia asked.

"Yeah," Davenport said, wiping his face. "Yeah, I'm-" he took a deep breath in, shaking his head. "You're very good at painting, Lucretia."

"Thank you," Lucretia said quietly. Davenport averted his eyes, looking out over the horizon instead. After a few moments of silence, Lucretia put her paintbrush down and said,

"They put me in a bunk with Magnus, once."

"Oh?" Davenport said, turning back to her. She scrubbed at her face, leaving a line of paint on her left cheek.

"Yeah," she said with a little watery laugh. "I hated every second of it. He was an even worse roommate then. But I really fucking missed him when he was gone. That's kinda how I feel now, I guess. But bitter, because I didn't appreciate him then."

"He'll be back," Davenport said needlessly and they both knew he meant "we'll find a way back" instead.

"I know," she said.

[glow-worm]

On the Ruins of Raven’s Roost

Desidirium (noun) : an ardent desire or longing, especially a feeling of loss or grief for something lost

--

Everything had been perfect. Magnus had been so happy. He had lived in absolute bliss—Lucretia couldn’t have dreamed of a better happily ever after for her dear friend.

But that was gone now.

She watched from afar as Magnus collapsed near the ruins of Raven’s Roost. Debris from the support column and the colony that had been atop it were piled in a broken mess where the Craftmen’s Corridor had once stood, pieces of cabins and chunks of stone were scattered below at the base of the cliff.

He was wailing.

Her heart panged with sympathy as she watched him keen with an unparalleled grief. Suffering that she had never seen from him in their hundred years together. Torment she had never seen in her entire life.

It was unbearable.

She had to fix it.

“Lucretia.”

A deep, chilling voice beckoned from behind her. She recognized it instantly, and was immediately filled with both joy and dread.

She turned around to see the dark phantasmal form of her friend and rival, Barry Bluejeans.

Any shred of hope that had sparked within her upon hearing his voice died out, as she felt the unmistakable sensation of someone prying into her thoughts. She tried to push him out of her mind, but his lich form was too powerful. But as quickly as he had come in, he relinquished. Barry held his skeletal arm outstretched threateningly and aimed point-blank at her. Crackles of red energy flashed around it, ready to fire.

“Barry,” Lucretia began. “I—”

“I won’t let you do this, Lucretia. This is where I draw the line. You’ve taken our family’s bonds. You’ve taken our Captain’s very soul. You have taken their memories and their pasts. I will not let you take his future, too.”

His words stuck in her like a knife.

“The relics would have destroyed this world,” Lucretia explained. “And they destroyed our chance of happiness. I’m giving us that chance back.”

“You can’t. I don’t want to fight you, Lucretia, but I will. Magnus found love. I won’t let you take that away from him. I won’t let you make him forget about his wife like you tried to make me forget about mine.”

As he spoke his last few words he struggled, his spectral form flickered as the red electricity of his lich power charged around him.

Lucretia desperately, angrily motioned back towards Magnus.

“Is this happiness, Barry?! Is this peace?!”

“No. But it is part of life. Grief is necessary. You have not erased their pain, Lucretia. You have only buried it. And by doing so, you have condemned them to suffering.”

“How can you say that?! Magnus was happy. Merle has a child. He’s on the beach where he always wanted to be. Taako is on tour, he’s far happier than I ever dreamed he could be without his sister. And Davenport…I know how it seems, but he’s okay—this is only temporary—I wouldn’t let him go on like that if he wasn’t at least at peace, I promise—I know it looks bad but as soon as I have the Relics and I’ve put everything right—”

“You are wrong, Lucretia.” Barry’s form quivered briefly. “You can’t possibly begin to understand how that constant sensation of presque-vu torments them. It is torture. It is why I cannot bear to be in my body.”

Lucretia swallowed her guilt. She held her tongue and let him speak.

“Merle grew listless with monotony and ruined his marriage,” Barry began. “He has abandoned his home, his child. And Taako—he knows something is missing. I see it. He is tormented. He pours two glasses of wine at a time and doesn’t understand why. He leaves space for her when he rests at night. He leaves space for her, and he doesn’t even know who she is. He doesn’t even know she ever existed.”

He floated closer, and Lucretia took a step back.

“I watched someone ask him about his childhood, and he said “we”. And he could not grasp why he had said that. Because he believes he’s been alone his whole life. Lucretia. To have a bond as strong as theirs, only to have that bond ripped away—torn from his memories and from very existence itself—it leaves an empty space. And that space has made him bitter and cold.”

He grew closer still, his spectral form popping and fizzling slightly, so Lucretia reached for her staff.

“And as for Magnus—he was plagued with nightmares he could not see or explain. He had Julia to comfort him, but now…”

“Barry, you’re losing yourself,” she warned. “Your voice, your manner of speech, you—you don’t sound like yourself. Work with me. Please. We can find the relics and end this. We can look for Lup together.”

“You know I can’t do that, Lucretia,” He replied sternly. “You need to stop this. Your shield will break all the bonds of this world. It will suffocate.”

“Surely that’s better than being completely consumed by the Hunger,” Lucretia insisted.

“We have had this argument often enough for me to know I cannot convince you to stop,” Barry said. “I came here for one reason only: to protect Magnus from you.”

Barry raised his arm again, red static energy building up around it.

“Do not take his love from him. He will be nothing but a shell. He will be consumed with grief from empty spaces he cannot make sense of. He is already suffering enough, I won’t let you augment that suffering with desiderium.”

Lucretia balled her hands into fists, clenching her teeth as she spat, “You really want me to just leave him like this?”

“It is not your decision to make, Lucretia. None of this has ever been your decision to make.”

“I did what I had to do, Barry. To keep this world safe. We promised Lup—”

“Don’t talk about Lup. Wherever she is, she never would have wanted this,” Barry shouted, his lich form sputtering again, much more so than the last time. Barry nearly lost control—Lucretia quickly threw up a Shield of Faith in front of herself as a bolt of red energy shot off of him and hit a nearby tree, scorching it.

Barry took a moment to collect himself, then quietly continued. “Promise me you won’t erase Raven’s Roost. Promise me you won’t erase Julia Burnsides.”

Lucretia dissolved her shield with a heavy exhale.

“Promise me.”

Her throat felt tight, and her voice trembled as she spoke: “If that’s what you want, Barry—fine. I am not giving up my quest to restore the Light of Creation, but I promise you. I won’t erase anything more from our family’s lives. No matter how bad things get for them.”

Hearing this, Barry vanished into thin air—but Lucretia continued to hear his voice as she turned and scanned the area for any sign of him.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Lucretia, but know this,” Barry’s voice echoed around her. “If you break that promise. I will kill you.”

She gripped her Bulwark Staff tighter, her heart heavy.

Before his voice faded out completely, he left her with one last quiet plea. This time, his speech sounded a little more like his own—it still was a harsh whisper of a lich, but it rang with the distinctive compassion and deep baritone voice of Barry Bluejeans.

“Please don’t make me do that. In spite of everything, I want to believe…I have to believe…we can all be together again someday.”

She could no longer feel his presence, the intense arcane power of his lich form gone.

She took a deep breath and looked back over her shoulder off into the distance, to see Magnus still doubled over on the ground near the ruins of Raven’s Roost, weeping loudly.

“I’m sorry, old friend,” she whispered.

Barry was right. She could not just erase any and every hardship that came to her family. A line had to be drawn somewhere. A life without pain was no life at all. They had worked so hard, and suffered for so long—they deserved normalcy. She simply could not prevent her loved ones from feeling pain forever.

No matter how much she wanted to.

----

Come read this on AO3!

[tazrp]

who of the gang are affection / touched starved ranked most to least :chinhands:

Okay so I had this almost all typed up last night and my computer shut itself off, as it does, so I had to wait until today but! The list from most to least, then after the cut is some elaboration on some of them:

John

Stern

Argo

Indrid

Duck

Barclay

Brad

Ned

Bud

Kravitz

Barry

Merle

Magnus

Elaboration!

John has mixed feelings about it. On one hand he goes feral trying to avoid being touched because it’s so alien it’s uncomfortable. On the other hand it’s been so, so long and the brain chemicals are so pleasant and the feelings are so warm and please do not stop with the contact!! He gets overwhelmed and is also overwhelming. Tread cautiously or you’ll spook him. Lol

Stern is similar but on a less fantastical scale for obvious story-environment reasons. He doesn’t try to avoid being touched but he’s always hyper aware of when/where people touch him, especially if it’s the first time they’ve ever made contact. (Polite introductory handshakes are an exception and don’t count in his book as Actual Touching.

Argo probably hasn’t noticed he’s missing something. He just doesn’t touch people because what reason does he have to do so? He’ll become aware of it the first time he’s touched and then hyperfixate on it for awhile. Lie awake and yearn for contact.

Indrid avoids touching people because they’re so warm he won’t ever want to let go. He knows he’s clingy and his fingers are bony, cold, and unpleasant. He keeps his hands to himself because it’s safer. But… If he were allowed to touch, he’d constantly be touching someone. Holding hands, sitting closely enough to have their sides pressed together, have his hand on someone’s shoulder, touching their hair. Anything.

Duck is an awkward dude. He can get away with casual stuff like handshakes, high fives, and a pat on the shoulder, etc. But he hasn’t done anything but casual stuff in ages. He always gets in his own head and makes things uncomfortable. Last time he hugged someone he started thinking and hoping it wasn’t weird and that they weren’t uncomfortable and that he wasn’t being awkward, which of course made all of those things happen. He doesn’t fret about it for the most part but there are some times when he gets a little soft and wants some affection.

Barclay only touches people who are his friends. His protection is a bracelet so he doesn’t even really like shaking hands with humans he doesn’t know. He’s comfortable with casual stuff, similar to Duck, but he has more friends in an enclosed space so hugs and sitting squished on a couch and stuff are fairly common. Romantically there hasn’t been anyone since he got to Earth. He insists there are more important things to focus on than kissing and whatnot.

Touching people without their permission is against HR protocol, so Brad doesn’t do it unless he can justify it and has worked through all angles so he knows it’s okay and cannot be interpreted as more than it is. (His time in the Teamwork exercise is an outlier: he was with literal heroes who are all so beautiful. It isn’t an excuse for him to have been overcome, and yet that’s all he can say on the matter!)

Ned touches people casually all the time. It’s the same, he would say if he was asked. It doesn’t make him miss anything. Or anyone. See? He’s touching his friends’ arms and shoulders and could a touch-starved person do that!?

Bud isn’t exactly starved? He isn’t used to a lot of contact because that’s just not how it was done where he comes from, and that’s okay. When people started touching him more at school it was weird but he didn���t really object enough to say anything, but now he really likes it. He likes being able to physically show someone he likes them because it’s easier to put a hand on someone or give them a hug than it is to string words together, especially about something as nebulous as feelings. Also cuddling makes sleeping indoors a little more bearable.

Kravitz was completely starved until Taako, which is definitely Canon. His body temperature literally changed with the power of love and touch.

Barry was miserable during the years in cycle 99 when he was alone. He needs to be around Lup. He sustains himself on her presence like photosynthesis. He can be cuddly with other people he knows and loves, but especially with her.

Merle likes to touch people. It’s usually casual but he’s known for being a big sexy too. Nothing people don’t want but he can be a little much sometimes without meaning to be. He’s not really starved at all but he wouldn’t mind a little more plant action than he usually gets.

Magnus is a cuddly, physical, hands-on guy. He touches his friends all the time– nudging them, high fives, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, etc. Etc. He is down to spoon with any of his friends at any point. It’s just part of his great big personality showing his great big feelings. It’s different with Julia. He can’t get enough of her and he acts like he’s never been touched before every time they come into contact. He always wants to have a point of contact when they’re together, especially after Raven’s Roost was attacked. He wants to have a physical tether to keep himself sure she is real and she’s with him.

I didn’t put Taako on the list because he isn’t am Official Muse according to my list (despite having a thread going as him and not most of the others lmao). But he’d be between Indrid and Duck. He and Lup were pretty physically affectionate both before and during their cycles in space. Especially with their crewmates. The two of them probably cuddled the heck out of everyone else on the ship, together and separately. During his time alone in Faerune he avoided touching people if he could help it. It always felt alien and disorienting to touch people so he stopped. One of the reasons he stuck with Magnus and Merle was because touching them felt familiar, and he got no heebie-jeebies from it. He didn’t know why for a long time.

Mavis isn’t on the list because she is a-okay! She has loving parents and brother so she is well cared for.

Garfield has no need to get physical (unless Magnus is down to clown 👀) and is therefore not craving any kind of affection.

[believingbrook]

taakitz hanahaki, 6 (final)

He wakes up to the overhead light clicked on dimly and Taako standing in the doorway.

Kravitz looks at him, brows furrowed. “Already?” he rasps. He would’ve thought he’d at least wake up before he died.

He never did say goodbye to Raven. He never got to sing for her again. Somehow, that hurts the most.

“Oh my gods,” says Taako. Even silhouetted by moonlight and the faint overhead bulb, he’s beautiful. “Holy — Kravitz?”

Kravitz laughs. He sits up, and is instantly slammed backward with a wave of racking pain, devolves into coughs for a handful of seconds before slumping back down, gasping. Damn. Not dead, then.

Which means —

“Don’t — don’t do that, just lie back down, what the hell, Kravitz, I didn’t — are you okay?”

Which, objectively, is a dumb question.

Two slim hands flutter frightfully over his head, butterflies looking to land but not knowing where, and Kravitz reaches up weakly to take one in his own.

It’s real. He stares at it, uncomprehending. It’s solid in his own, and it squeezes his, tight enough to be painful.

Then he looks up at Taako, who’s looking at him with fear plain on his face.

The facts don’t add up: that Taako is here, Taako is scared for him, and that this is real. This isn’t a dream, and he isn’t dead.

“Kravitz,” Taako says, kneeling by the couch, “Kravitz, can you — can you hear me? Gods, it didn’t take your hearing too, did it? I have — I don’t know how this works — ”

“I can hear you,” Kravitz says hoarsely. He’s still puzzling over the angles of Taako’s face. “You’re here.”

Taako bursts into a high-pitched laugh. “Yeah, homie, I’m here, I — hachi machi, you look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Kravitz says dryly. Then, because he’s exhausted and has no filter: “What are you doing here?”

“I — I got a call from Mags, told me you were in a, uh, uh, a bad fuckin’ way, and you were — that you weren’t doing great and I just had to — I couldn’t — ” Taako locks his jaw and looks away, running a shaking hand through his hair. “Does it hurt?”

“Like hell,” Kravitz says bluntly. Beneath all the exhaustion and joy and pity there’s a thin thread of anger holding him tight. “You left.”

Taako flinches. “Yeah.” He swallows, looks away, then back at Kravitz, gaze fluttering nervously around the living room. It’s like he’s never seen it before, which pisses Kravitz off, honestly; he’s been here hundreds of times, gods, there’s a Taako-shaped indentation on his couch. He has no right to forget what neither the furniture nor Kravitz cannot. “You scared me.”

“I scared you?”

“That — sounds shitty, and it is, I know — look, Kravitz. Listen, I — ” his hands finally land on Kravitz’s and hold them, tightly. There is tension in every one of his fingers. “You told me, or I, uh, I found out, I guess, and I just — I freaked. I freaked out, okay? Because then suddenly a whole bunch of stuff made sense. Like in senior year you, uh, you missed that one test because you said you were throwing up, and you came in looking like hell. And I, uh — I couldn’t connect back then what was happening, of course, because you didn’t — and then you ran out of chemistry class, and I thought maybe you, I dunno, had to go call Raven or...or something, and just. A whole bunch of stuff made sense and I didn’t know how to deal with it because it’s on me, it’s all — on me, I mean, kinda, it’s really obvious in retrospect and I don’t know how I missed it,” he says, voice rising with something like hysteria. “But I didn’t want to see it because I didn’t know what to do with it, so Lup and Barry — they took me away — I mean, that makes it sound like it was a kidnapping, it wasn’t — that’s why they weren’t at work, by the way, I mean, if you even went to work? Did you?”

“I did,” he says. He sits up straighter and brushes off Taako’s attempt to help, anger pulling his face flat. “Why are you here, Taako?”

Taako blinks at the question. His head bows, for a moment, hair brushing in front of his face, and Kravitz notices with a start how greasy and unkempt it looks. From Taako, who cares about his appearance like he does little else, it’s a shock.

“I realized something,” he says. “Something that I should have — I dunno, seen a long time ago. You know me, I’m real good at, uh, at fuckin’, not seeing things I don’t wanna see.”

Kravitz smiles wryly at that. “Yeah.”

Taako shoots him a brief grin. He fiddles nervously with Kravitz’s fingers, which feels — nice. Taako has a lot to answer for, but at least he’s here. He didn’t think he would get to say goodbye to Taako.

“And I know this is, I dunno, comin’ out of left field for you — especially because I ran, and I know, I — I opened your texts, Kravitz, I turned off the — ” he clears his throat “ — the little, the receipts, you know them? I turned those off because I didn’t know what to say, and I listened to your voicemails, not just the ones from this week but from way back, I’ve been saving them, and — ” his voice breaks. He takes a deep breath, looks away for a moment, then exhales it shakily. “Every time I got angry, at — at you, at whoever made this...happen, to you, I guess that one’s kinda on Taako because it was obvious and I just, I missed the fuckin’ memo, I...I listened to them, Kravitz, over and over again. They made me feel better, somehow. Even when Lup couldn’t.” He laces his fingers with Kravitz’s, shoulders bowed. “You make me feel better. And not just about this, about...everything.”

“I’m glad,” Kravitz says hoarsely, and means it. “Taako, look at me.” He does, and Kravitz smiles at him softly. “I’m glad I could help.”

“Don’t,” Taako snaps abruptly. “Don’t do that, that — don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you — ” Taako’s expression crumples for a moment and he slumps against the coffee table, back where his boots were kicked a mere three days before. He takes a trembling breath, and this time it’s Taako fighting for air. Kravitz doesn’t like the reversal at all. “Listen, I did come here for a reason, and not just — to see you, though that was mostly it, I also came to...to tell you something.”

“Oh,” Kravitz says. He lets his eyes slip shut, then opens them again. “I didn’t think I’d get to say it either, but I’m glad you’re here.”

He squeezes Taako’s hand in his. Now that he’s here — it’s so obvious. Kravitz had known he would scare Taako, and that was exactly what happened, and now he’s here; he’s here to say goodbye.

That’s all Kravitz could have asked for, in the end. There’s still some simmering resentment but it’s dimmed, and Kravitz feels love; it never left, but it flickers fully to life now. Even prone on a couch he hangs onto that feeling, summons it to the forefront. It’s so nice, to love. It will kill him but he doesn’t regret it.

No, he thinks; he doesn’t regret anything.

“But you did,” Taako says, confused. “You did — I mean, kinda — ”

Kravitz frowns. “No, I didn’t. Taako, listen. Thank you for coming back, it...it means a lot. Truth be told, I didn’t know if you would.”

“Yeah,” Taako chokes. “Yeah, of — of course.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” he murmurs. “I don’t think it’ll be more than a day or so. We don’t have any beds left, Merle took Raven’s and she’s in mine, but — there are pillows and blankets, you know where they are.”

Taako sits up. “A day until what?”

Kravitz looks at him curiously. “Until I die, Taako.”

“What?”

“I thought that was why you were here,” Kravitz says. “To say goodbye. Are you not — ?”

“No!” Taako’s voice edges clean into hysteria, now. His grip on Kravitz’s hands is painful. “No, I’m not here to fucking — are you kidding? Are you kidding me? No, you’re not going to die!”

Kravitz rasps out another hoarse laugh. “You sound like Raven,” he says. “She keeps saying the same thing.”

Taako is looking at him in equal parts confusion and terror, and if he were strong enough Kravitz would wipe that expression away with his thumb, smoothing the wrinkles in Taako’s skin with only his palms.

“I didn’t come here to tell you goodbye, Kravitz,” Taako says fiercely, voice shaking. “I came here to tell you I love you.”

Kravitz breathes once, twice, into the ensuing silence. He stares at Taako, and Taako stares right back. The whole room is holding its breath, breathless, and for once it isn’t Kravitz.

Love swells up in him, powerful and sweeping, and he smiles gently. The flowers in his throat bloom brighter and he thinks that this is it, maybe; he may have less time than he thought. If Taako keeps making him fall harder, Kravitz thinks wryly, he might have less than the day Raven fought so hard to give him.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” Kravitz says softly. “But Taako, I don’t want you to try to feel things that you — ” he chokes on nothing, he’s breathing in nothing, he can’t breathe.

“I’m not — this isn’t a fucking joke, Kravitz, I’m not kidding — Kravitz? Kravitz?”

Kravitz curls sharply in on himself. His chest heaves for air that doesn’t come and it’s bad, this is bad but it isn’t the worst, he’s breathing through a reed pipe but at least he’s breathing at all.

“Kravitz,” Taako says, whispers, pleads, hands on his shoulders and his cheeks and his chest, like Taako’s fingers can knit him back together where Merle’s magic failed. “Kravitz, don’t — breathe, just keep breathing, Kravitz, please.”

“Go.” Kravitz swallows a cough and chokes, and all he can think about is how the last time Taako saw him like this, he left. “Please, go.”

“I’m not going fucking anywhere,” Taako snaps, and the couch shifts as Taako sits by him, two shaking hands resting on his shoulders. “Is there anything I can — how do I — how can I help?”

Kravitz shakes his head, waving a hand at him. Flowers spill unchecked from his lips and he retches, fighting as always, futilely, exhaustingly, to dislodge them from where they’ve rooted down their home in his ribs.

“Don’t you dare,” Taako says sharply, “don’t you dare, don’t you fucking— ” There are hands on his cheeks, thumbs wiping away the tears prickling at his eyes. Kravitz reaches up, takes those wrists in his and tries to push them away, but Taako refuses to go.

“Don’t,” Taako says. The world is spinning; Kravitz feels lightheaded, and when he cracks his eyes open between open-mouthed pants the room is blurred and shaky. Taako runs his hands along Kravitz’s arms, down his chest, up his neck and into his hair, holding him steady. “You can’t leave now, you can’t, I still haven’t — it’s just fucking rude to leave when — when someone has something to say and you aren’t, you’re not rude that’s just about the last thing you are, don’t — don’t leave. Don’t leave me.”

Kravitz hacks out a laugh, at the bitter irony of Taako trying to get him not to leave, but doubles over again when a rose gets stuck at the back of his mouth. He can feel the little petals tickling the back of his throat, like he could reach in and pull it out, but he can’t; he knows he can’t, because he’s tried. Taako’s hands tremble around his temples.

His windpipe clears, bit by bit. When he can see straight he looks up to find Taako’s face creased in an expression he’s never seen. In his hands is a single rose; discolored, but stained scarlet with blood.

That anxious weight still holds in his sternum but Kravitz breathes slowly, shallowly, and it’s manageable again. Strangely enough, Taako’s face is mottled, and there — there’s a shine to his cheeks and around his eyes that Kravitz has never seen before. His fist is locked tight in the fabric of the couch by Kravitz’s waist.

He stares at the rose and Kravitz tries to ask what he’s thinking, and can’t form the words. At the pained sound, Taako’s face falls flat, and he crumples the rose in his fist.

“No!” Kravitz wheezes, lurching forward to weakly pry Taako’s hands off the bloom. “No, leave it!”

“Why?” Taako asks, hands shaking. “These — these fucking things, they’re killing you!”

“Don’t,” he pleads, “don’t, just — give it back to me, don’t hurt them, please — ”

“These — ” Taako locks his jaw, every point in his body rigid with tension. “These fucking flowers, Kravitz, why are you keeping — burn them!”

“No!” Kravitz reaches for it and collapses back with a choked groan as his ribs protest. “No— ”

“Okay, okay,” Taako says, resting a hand on Kravitz’s shoulder and gently pushing him back down. “All right, just...chill. Don’t sit up. Where — where d’you want it?”

Kravitz points behind him, toward the table where the most recent ones are stored, and Taako hisses at the sight of so many discolored blooms by his head. Taako drops it brusquely in with the others, then pauses and studies them for a long, long time. For the first time in a while, Kravitz has no idea what he’s thinking.

Then Taako takes him by surprise and turns and sits and says, “I wasn’t kidding.”

Kravitz looks questioningly at him. Taako clears his throat. “When I said — listen, Taako don’t make these sorts of confessions lightly, so there’s no — no ifs ands or buts, yeah? No passin’ Go, no — fuckin’ — putting anyone in jail or anything.”

Right. Kravitz relaxes back into the cushions, propping his head up on the arm to keep Taako the center of his vision. “I understand,” he says. “And — I meant it, too. When I thanked you.”

“No — ” Taako tugs out the hairband of his braid in one frustrated motion. “No, you thanked me because you thought I was goofing. I wasn’t goofing, this isn’t — this isn’t a goof. This is the last damn thing from a goof. Farthest damn thing.” He shakes his head, irritated. “That — okay, fuck speech, but listen. Point still stands. I wasn’t joking.”

Kravitz sighs. “Taako, I’m fine. Really. I’ve made my peace with it. You don’t have to — you don’t have to pretend anything just to keep me alive. I don’t want that for you.”

“Yeah, and I don’t — I don’t want death for you, homie!”

“I already told you, this isn’t your fault.” Kravitz reaches for Taako’s hand and he offers it, instantly. “This isn’t your responsibility.” A small, fond smile crosses his face. “I fell in love with you. It isn’t your fault that you don’t feel the same.”

But instead of calming down, Taako only appears more frantic. “This isn’t — I know, you don’t pick you fall in love with or whatever, okay so I see in retrospect how what I said doesn’t sound great, but I’m not just here to try to keep you alive! This isn’t some — some fucking scheme to, to make you hold on a little longer. I’m here to tell you I love you. Did — did you hear that? Because I’ll say it again, I fucking will. I love you. I love you, Kravitz.”

Kravitz stares at him. “What?”

“I love you, Kravitz.”

“No, I heard that part, I just don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?” His voice is desperate in a way Kravitz has never heard it. “Three words, right? That’s — that’s — I mean, you do too, right?”

“Of course I love you,” Kravitz says easily. “But you — you understand why I don’t believe you, right? This is all awfully convenient.”

“Kravitz — ”

“No. I call Julia and Magnus, and you show up the next evening saying you love me? You’ve known me for ten years, Taako. Love doesn’t develop over the course of — of two days. It takes time.” He knows. He’s fallen in love before Taako, once or twice; but never for this long, and never this deeply.

When he was younger he wondered if he would die for it. He doesn’t have to wonder anymore.

But Taako doesn’t stop. He doesn’t stop. Taako is the only person he knows who could rival Raven in stubbornness. “Yeah, that’s because I’m a fucking idiot. Look. You know me, Kravitz, you know that when I get an, uh, uh, a feeling that I don’t know what to do with I ignore it until it fucks off. You know that.”

Despite everything, the affirmation that Kravitz still knows him makes him feel warm. At least they still share something. “Yes,” Kravitz says dryly, “you do.”

“Yeah. So what do you think I did when I fell in love with you? D’you think I fuckin’ — that I recognized it and, like, acknowledged it like you did? Like any reasonable person would? Hell no, cha’boy went and stuck his head in the fucking sand and it took Barry and Lup two days to dig it out all the way! It — this didn’t just spring up — shit, bad choice in words, this — this didn’t just come out of nowhere, it’s — it’s been a long time, Kravitz. A really long time. I just — I didn’t know what to do with it. Didn’t even know it was happening until, y’know, last night when I was sitting — listening to — never mind, that’s not, that isn’t relevant. You don’t get to fuckin’ beef it because I’m an idiot.”

Kravitz shakes his head, and keeps shaking it. It doesn’t stack up. None of this makes sense: doesn’t add up, the words don’t flow. Three years he’s spent, feeling his own death creeping up on him, and Taako loved him the whole time?

Gods, he’d hoped. He’d hoped so badly, for so long. When he could still rasp through notes he’d written music, songs for Taako, what they could’ve shared. Then, when he realized his feelings would never be returned, he shoved them in a folder and locked them away.

He’d almost burned them. Ironically, it was Raven who had stopped him.

There’s a high-pitched whine filtering in through his ears and it takes him a moment to realize that it’s coming from him.

“Listen,” Taako says, faster and more frantic now. “I need you to believe me. Please, Kravitz. Please, you’re — you look like hell — ”

Kravitz keeps shaking his head. It’s spinning. The ground beneath his back is spinning. In his chest, those damned flowers keep blooming. “I don’t....”

“C’mon,” Taako pleads. His hands rhythmically smooth the collar of Kravitz’s shirt. Distantly Kravitz thinks that this is his sleepshirt, he should’ve put on something nicer for guests, before remembering that this is Taako and Taako has seen him in ripped black jeans and a T-shirt with Amy Lee’s face in the middle.

“Be — be angry, you can do that, that’s fine, as long as you accept — it took me like three years! It took me a long time, to get that, and isn’t that — oh boy isn’t that fucked! That it took me that long to realize!”

“Taako — ”

“No, you don’t — ” Taako’s breath hitches, the movement of his hands speeding. “Just — I can count on one fuckin’ hand the number of times I’ve seen you get angry but I need you to do it now, can you believe how long it took me? To realize I loved you? Just, I dunno, channel your sister, you were here suffering the whole time and I — ” his voice breaks and his shoulders hitch, “ — I didn’t realize ‘cause I didn’t want to see it, how fucked is that?”

“I...” Kravitz trails off. His throat is closing again. He can’t figure out what to think. Taako’s being sincere. Kravitz knows this because the tells are obvious, his face his voice and his ears, but the words he’s saying don’t make sense, because if he’s right then Kravitz was wrong for three years.

If he’s right —

Taako fumbles for Kravitz’s hand. He’s crying, Kravitz realizes through a pounding headache and ringing ears; he’s never seen Taako cry before. These last few days have held a lot of firsts for him.

Taako spreads his fingers gently and presses Kravitz’s hand to his chest. Right over his heartbeat.

It thumps, quick and harsh, against Kravitz’s palm. “I love you,” Taako whispers. “I do, I mean it, I really do. This isn’t a jape and it isn’t a goof, and that — this — this is going for you. This whole — heart thing, this rhythm — you’re a music boy, this tempo? It’s yours. It’s yours. Take it. If you want it, it’s kind of — fast, right now — ”

Taako’s words crumble, get stuck on the back of his tongue. “Please.”

“I don’t want to take your heart,” Kravitz manages. He can’t stop thinking: what if Taako isn’t lying?

“This isn’t taking, you’re not — you’re not taking it, I’m trying to give it! I’m trying to tell you that I’m giving it to you! No permission necessary, just — “ Taako releases Kravitz’s hand, and Kravitz keeps it there, carefully; his heartbeat is entrancing, just as it was the first time he felt it. He takes Kravitz’s face in his hands and presses their foreheads together. “I come here, and you tell me you’re a fucking day from dying, and I don’t — I can’t — Jesus, Kravitz, I need you to not be stubborn for once and just listen. Please, just listen.”

Kravitz stays silent. He thinks —

He’s never seen Taako like this before, so thoroughly taken apart. He’s never seen Taako touch someone other than his sister for longer than two minutes, and yet here he is, smoothing his hands along Kravitz’s shoulders, his arms, his cheeks; here he is, pressing their foreheads together and whispering impossible things against Kravitz’s lips like they mean something.

Taako folds him tighter in his arms. “I love you,” he whispers, palm flat against Kravitz’s shoulderblade. Stunned, it takes Kravitz several seconds to reciprocate, folding his hands behind the small of Taako’s back.

Over and over Taako repeats it: I love you, Kravitz. I love you. I miss you, I’m sorry I hurt you, please don’t leave; I love you. I love you. I love you.

Something curious happens, then.

Kravitz closes his eyes, chin tucked on Taako’s shoulder. He hears Taako’s litany, those string of broken words and hollow gasps; Taako’s never prayed in his life but this, Kravitz thinks, is the closest he’s ever gotten.

And Kravitz — lets him in. Lets himself hear those words, lets them wrap cool and gentle around his heart, and decides to trust.

Please don’t hurt, Taako whispers, nails jagged against his shoulder, and suddenly, he doesn’t.

The wrenching pain in his chest ceases. The relief is so abrupt that Kravitz opens his eyes, just in time to blink as the aching pressure on the inside of his ribs vanishes. All down his throat, he can feel it; thousands of tiny roots that had burrowed into his flesh releasing, floating free.

And then they come up.

Kravitz locks his arms around Taako and coughs over his shoulder, pushes everything out. Taako’s pleas turn frantic again but Kravitz tunes them out — he doesn’t want to hear this, doesn’t want to hear his love shouting himself hoarse — and holds him carefully, firmly in place. Taako fights him, looking again for some way to help but Kravitz doesn’t know how — doesn’t have the air to explain — that he doesn’t need it, that this is it, that it’s not just petals and it’s not just flowers but it’s roots and seeds and everything that has grown inside him for the past three years.

It burns like hell, and Kravitz loses himself to the familiar push-pull of expelling flowers while trying to suck in air. Eventually his arms weaken around Taako’s waist, trembling from exertion, and Taako’s hands are on him again in an instant. Somewhere, distantly, someone is crying his name, shaking his shoulders, begging him for — for something, but Kravitz can’t hear them.

Then the last of the petals fall free, and Kravitz sags forward. Two arms wrap around him, supporting him, and he looks up to see Taako crying openly, shaking with what must be fear.

He takes the first deep breath in three years.

“I’m okay,” he says. There’s still a rasp to his voice. The scores of flesh that ripped apart didn’t heal immediately, but the thorns wrapped in their stems are gone, a serene pile of green-and-red that lies innocently on their carpet.

“Kravitz?”

“I’m okay,” he says, giddy. “I’m — I can breathe!”

He takes a deep breath, then another, and another, marvelling at how he can feel his chest expand. There’s a sweetness to deep breaths that gods, he’d forgotten — he’d forgotten how good it felt to be able to close his eyes and breathe. His ribs twinge as lungs long-depressed expand again, and he revels in it.

“You — ” Taako presses his palms flat against Kravitz’s ribcage, and holds his breath for one, two, three seconds before his face crumples and he buries himself in Kravitz’s shoulder. He’s trembling. “Gods,” he whispers, “gods, Kravitz, you scared me, don’t fucking — Jesus — ”

He places a wondering hand on his throat and swallows. It doesn’t tickle. He doesn’t have to bury the urge to cough. He laughs, quietly, amazed. “I’m okay.”

“Is it gone?”

“It’s gone,” Kravitz says, still a little awed himself. Just like that. 

Taako’s hold on him tightens, like he’s trying to anchor Kravitz to him with sheer force of will, before he sits up. “You’re an idiot,” he says.

Kravitz laughs, and catches on the laugh when it doesn’t hurt, and laughs even harder, because now he can do that, now he can laugh at the stupid things Taako says. Gods, he can — he can finally sing again. “Fifty-fifty,” he says, rather generously, he thinks. The twinges of resentment he’s resoundingly pushed away for now protest the statement but then Taako does too, so Kravitz thinks he’s gotten his point across, whatever that point was.

Taako loves him.

He’d spent so long hoping and convincing himself that was impossible and here, here’s the proof that he was wrong, and he should be crying, probably, because he does that easy, but instead he just keeps smiling and can’t seem to stop. He laughs, still a little breathless, and draws Taako’s forehead to his. “I love you,” he says, because he can.

“Shit, dude,” Taako murmurs, voice still a little shaky, “me — me too, but listen, kemosabe, the next time you want validation just come talk to me, okay? I don’t...let’s not do that again.” He pauses, fervent. “Ever.”

“I knew what would happen when I told you,” Kravitz says quietly. “I wanted to keep you in my life for as long as possible, Taako. Maybe that was selfish of me.”

Little tremors run along Taako’s shoulders and Kravitz smooths his hands up Taako’s back, along the nape of his neck, humming a tuneless note as comfort. Taako’s not putting his apologies to words but Kravitz can hear them in the heaviness in the air. It’ll take him a long time, Kravitz thinks, to forgive himself for this.

He still knows Taako so well.

“It was,” Taako whispers, letting out a shaky laugh. “But so was leaving, so, uh...fifty-fifty. Except not really. More like...eighty-twenty. A hundred-zero? That’s not even a split, and I know that and I’m not even a math boy, so something’s wrong, uh, uh — “

“Let’s think about that in the morning, hmm?” Kravitz murmurs, catching Taako’s cheekbones with his thumbs and pulling back just far enough to look Taako in the eye.

Taako pulls away and slumps on top of Kravitz, kicking his feet on top of the cushions. He twists to rest an ear on Kravitz’s chest and it takes him a moment; the same heartbeat that pulses in his throat, Taako hears now. Almost instinctively he curls a hand round to the small of Taako’s back, and rests the other against his chest.

“Can I — ” Taako swallows. Kravitz turns his head, nose brushing along Taako’s hair. “Can I stay?”

The vulnerability in those words makes his chest tighten. He drops a kiss on Taako’s forehead then snuggles down, comfortable and warm beneath Taako’s weight.

“Of course.”

He wakes, and notices two things simultaneously: first, he can breathe without wincing, and second, someone’s holding his hand.

He must make some noise because Taako, sitting by the couch with his head tipped back against the curve of Kravitz’s waist, turns to look at him. When he sees Kravitz, his face splits into a grin. “Morning.”

“Morning.” It wasn’t a dream, then, falling asleep with Taako in his arms. He can’t help but smile in return.

“How did you sleep?”

“Good,” he says, surprised at the truth in the statement. He’d slept the whole night through, strangely comfortable despite the fact that this wasn’t his bed, despite the rattling of the radiator that kept him up as a child. He remembers Taako sprawled snugly against his side, and chuckles at a mystery solved. “You?”

“Good.” There’s light streaming in from the windows already, and it catches Taako’s white shirt and hair in streaks of gold as he raises his second hand to join the first. “I woke up a bit before you did, to be honest, but, uh...” he shrugs. “Didn’t want to do anything before you opened those tired eyes.”

The consideration makes Kravitz feel light. He snags one of Taako’s hands and presses the back to his lips, gently. His lips catch briefly on smooth skin. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

Taako stares at him, wide-eyed, then clunks his face against Kravitz’s hip with a snort. “Sap. You’re still a fuckin’ — did you pick that up in your Victorian novels, Kravitz? Is that where you learned that — that fuckin’ trick?”

“It was my homosexual Westerns, actually.”

“Fuck off with that.”

“No, really! You’d be surprised how chivalrous cowboys can be.”

Taako studies his innocent expression, then jabs a finger in his nose. “Still can’t fool me with that poker face, thug.”

“Damn.” Despite the loss, he’s grinning so wide his jaw aches. “At least I can still hand your ass to you in Go Fish.”

“Go Fish is pure luck, that’s a loada bullshit,” Taako says.

He laughs, and Taako does too, and his gaze drops to Taako’s lips and he wonders —

Taako reaches out a hand, brushes a gentle thumb along Kravitz’s lips, palm perched lightly on his chin. “Chapped boys,” he murmurs, drawing a soft laugh from Kravitz. “All this time I thought you just had shitty chapstick, my man.”

“Nope, that was the — the ‘pneumonia.’” He draws verbal air quotes around the word, unwilling to move a muscle.

Taako’s fingers are soft against his lips. Everywhere skin meets skin trails a pathway of sparks that make Kravitz shiver. Kravitz watches him closely, catches the slight hitch in Taako’s breath, how his gaze follows the path his thumb traces gently; watches him lean in, slightly, and close his eyes.

This time it’s Kravitz’s turn to catch his breath. Taako’s brows are knit in anticipation and it would be rude, he thinks, giddy, to make him wait.

Taako’s lips are just as soft as his fingers. He makes a small noise when their mouths meet and reaches forward, running his hand along Kravitz’s cheeks and into his hair.

Kravitz lets them fall backward, tugging Taako along with him. Taako fits easily against his hip, the curve of his chest. Kravitz delights in running a hand along the planes of his back, the curve of his spine, up to cup his neck where the gentle touch makes Taako shudder in his arms. It’s everything he’d hoped for, and he lets out a fluttering sigh when they break apart.

“Hachi machi,” Taako says, breathless. Then he grins. “Man, I was missing out.”

“So was I,” Kravitz says. He pulls Taako more securely against him, the solid weight comforting against his chest, and has to fight back another yawn. He could go back to sleep like this, easily, the two of them twined close together.

Taako laughs softly against the corner of his jaw. “Lazy,” he murmurs.

“Fuck off,” Kravitz replies, just as soft. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.”

There’s a beat of silence, and Kravitz worries for a moment he’s said something wrong, but then one of Taako’s hands tucks more securely around his back and he says, “Yeah. I — I’m glad we can do this, Kravitz. I — ” Taako swallows, burying his nose in Kravitz’s collarbone, and then, so quietly Kravitz can hardly hear it. “I love you.”

Kravitz presses a kiss to Taako’s forehead, notices the contented tilt of Taako’s ears, the way his hands nestle perfectly in the small of Taako’s back; he thinks of the days and weeks before him and thinks, maybe, that his apartment is big enough for two. “I know.”

[a-big-apple]

TAZ Fic Recs

I’m bad at keeping bookmarks or remembering titles or remembering authors’ names, so I’m keeping my TAZ recs in a post instead! There are TONS of great fics in this fandom, and here’s a surely incomplete list of some that brought me particular joy.

Newest additions to the list are at the top, last updated February 2020.

Hey hey, marry me Barry by @qpenguin98 - rated Teen and Up

If you want to just be emotionally shattered by romance in really lovely and positive ways, please read this fic. This might be my favorite Blupjeans story I’ve ever read. It’s beautiful, it’s skillfully and subtly written, it has great emotional payoff, and I cried a LOT. I don’t want to give too much description of the plot because it was really impactful going in blind, but it’s all about Barry and the rest of Lup’s family ganging up to make her (and themselves) really happy, and it’s beautiful.

because that’s what love is (equivalent exchange) by teacuptaako - rated Teen and Up

This fic broke me a little. It’s Barry’s POV on the Starblaster, getting to know everyone, falling in love with Lup, and trying to figure out Taako. This is a FAB outside perspective on Taako’s weird outer layers of personality. Plus Barry is just such a good dude, it’s impossible to not love this trip inside his head!

Dumb Interspecies Relations series by nah_tho - rated Explicit

If you’re into Taako and Brad Bradson, well, you’ve probably already read this series? But if you haven’t, DO. What starts out as a fun sexy romp gets plotty and full of worldbuilding, Taako is a fantastic mess, and Brad is trying real hard. This series is hilarious, hot, sometimes suspenseful, and the final story made me cry.

got a license to kill (and you know I’m going straight for your heart) by @hoothootmotherf-ckers - rated Teen and Up

THIS FIC WAS MY GIFT IN THE 2019 TAZ CANDLENIGHTS GIFT EXCHANGE, I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE IT. It’s so wonderful!! A multi-chapter assassin AU with some coffee shop and fake relationship in there too, unbelievable. Lup is a badass. Barry is adorable. They love each other, and also get shot at, and also fight Big Pharma. Please go read it, srsly.

After the War by theauthoress - Not Rated

This fic took a twist I haven’t seen before, and I loved it! Dredging up some good angst from Taako’s past and then from Kravitz’s, it delivers a punch and then soothes you again with some good sibling stuff. I don’t want to say more and give away the surprise, but if you like some Taakitz hurt/comfort, do check this one out.

Apogee by @charmandhex - rated Teen and Up

I admit, I am one of those who think Taako won’t ever forgive Lucretia, but that they can be civil again, and maybe even friends. This fic captures that so beautifully, how much history there is between them that neither of them can escape. It’s lovely, and Taako is baller, and I read it twice in a row.

you know, elf practice series by @anonymousalchemist - rated from General to Teen and Up

Yet another one that I can’t believe I didn’t already have on this list. I know the elf practice thing as a meme has mostly vanished into the tumblr ether, but these two fics are on my mind always. They’re just so unusual, and the kind of creepy that’s treated as matter-of-fact (which is the best kind of creepy). What if elves had to, you know, practice? To become elves? Just thinking about it gives me a shiver, I love this fairycore take on Taako and Lup and their upbringing.

the kid, the future forthcoming by @anonymousalchemist - rated Teen and Up

Seriously, how did I not have this on my list already, I reread it all the time! It’s so incredibly hard to make second person work, and this fic really works. It’s a short and compelling vignette of young Taako’s life, and young Taako-and-Lup’s life, and the difficulties of a scrappy teenhood. It’s a little heartbreaking, and full of perfect moments that I think about a lot. Also, tiny Barry cameo that gives me so many feels! Also also, just...the mood of it is so good, the inside-of-Taako’s-head feeling, wonderful.

Taking the dogs home by Anonymous - rated Mature

What an extremely quiet and beautiful story! Set after Story and Song, at Magnus’ house in an almost dreamlike country woods setting. Taako shows up out of the blue, perhaps escaping a problem he won’t discuss, and falls back into Magnus’ small town routine. There’s a lot of subtly layered domesticity and realistic, compelling Taagnus feeling. Also, a dog! 

Heads/Tails by unprofessionalbard - rated Teen and Up

Short and powerful! I loved this fic. A really well-characterized look at Taako and Kravitz, and how their jobs and their personal lives intersect and interfere with each other. I don’t want to give anything away because it unfolds really precisely, I think, so--just go read it! It’s awesome.

and at a certain age the child is grown by bimaukery - rated Teen and Up

This is a really beautiful, bittersweet modern AU. The IPRE family move into Angus’ grandpa’s house, while Angus is still there, and he can’t understand why. He watches them, tries in small ways to interact with them--as they try to figure out what to do about the little ghost haunting their new house. Honestly, go read this and cry over it for a while, it’s lovely.

The Shrike and the Thorn by JoyfullyyoursDav ( @keplercryptids ) - rated Teen and Up

If you haven’t had enough of crying about Taako and Lup, here’s a great fic for you. That Good Sibling Shit, flashbacks, memory loss, beautiful conversations, just...everything I could want in a lovely little package. Also, PLEASE check out this author’s other stories, so many great ones!

(when i think about you) flowers grow out of my grave by @phantomsteed - rated Teen and Up

This Taakitz fic is one of my fav kinds of modern AU: Taako works in a flower shop, Krav is a mortician, they meet cute and fall in love! The ensemble are all there in the background, including a very adorable Angus and a soon-to-be-married Carey and Killian, but what really got me about this is the gentle and steady way our favorite boys fall in love. There are also SUPER lovely illustrations by @karinhart sprinkled throughout!

a fool for lesser things by himemiyaa - rated Teen and Up

This fic charmed the PANTS off me, and made me teary to boot. Taako and Kravitz are new roommates in this community college AU (and, surprise, they end up together). I love the way Taako slowly opens up in this story, to Kravitz, to the community of friends Lup has built that he’s been keeping himself outside of, and especially to Garyl the cat. It feels so real, and like a reminder to myself to be more vulnerable in my own life! Please go read this, it will lift your spirits.

Among the Ruins by @distractedkat - rated Teen and Up

I don’t know how I went so long without finding this fic, and then for a little while I resisted because I wasn’t sure about the description. Finally over the weekend I read the whole thing in a sitting, and I’m SO glad I did. It’s fantastic!! This AU reimagines the canon if Taako’s time post-Sizzle It Up had gone differently. What follows from that is an engrossing and plausible version of events with lots of action, lots of funny lines, lots of feelings, and lots more Lup! There’s a little angst, a lot of twins and Taakitz goodness, and a wonderfully happy ending. If you’re looking for something nice and long to dive into, definitely try this one.

Angus McDonald and the Flight of the Flying V by @mystery-moose - rated Teen and Up

This was one of the first fics I read in this fandom, before I thought to keep track of things I liked or bookmark them to find them again. Then it turned up in @marywhal‘s rec list, and I was overjoyed to find it again! As the rest of this list will show, I have a special weakness for stories about Taako as Angus’ guardian, and this one really shaped my headcanons about their relationship. In the main portion of the story, a grown-up Angus with his own detective agency is working a case--with a bored and lonely Taako’s help. Interspersed with the mystery are flashbacks to their time on the road as Sizzle it Up with Taako and Company, achingly soft glimpses of Angus’ post-finale childhood as Taako and Kravitz’s sort-of-son. I think it was finished before the actual finale aired, so it isn’t entirely canon-compliant, but it captures the same tone beautifully.

i will buy the flower shop by @weatheredlaw - rated Teen and Up

I saved this fic for an emotionally rainy day, because I had a feeling it would brighten things up. It absolutely did! A modern restaurant AU with all the necessary found family feelings, and all of our favorite characters with lives that aren’t perfect but that get better with communication and vulnerability and persistent joy. If you’re looking for something poignant and satisfying, something to lighten a bad day, this fic is an excellent choice.

Taako and Hurley’s Maximum Fun Drive by detectivelion - rated Teen and Up

WHAT A ROMP! If you’re longing to get back to the high speed action of battlewagon racing, this is the fic to read. Set after the Day of Story and Song, the whole crew (Hurley and Sloane included, of course) face off in a madcap race that really recaptured the spirit of Petals to the Metal for me.

Bureau of Badass ( @bureauofbadass ) by @chemicallywrit  and @miceenscene  - rated Teen and Up

This fic almost feels too obvious to rec, and yet I can’t not. SUCH AN ENGROSSING READ! Take all your favorite characters, stick them in the 90′s, give them attitude and relatable problems, and put them on skates--then you’ve got this roller derby AU. I don’t even know what else to say about it, because if that doesn’t make you want to read it, nothing will. As of this writing it’s a WIP, but there are over 100 chapters extant to read and only a few more yet to come!

and the warmth will never die by Junkyard_Rose - rated Teen and Up

This is an extraordinary fic. It’s a modern setting AU in which Taako and Lup were separated as kids and have made lives for themselves while searching for each other, which is wonderful all by itself. What stands out about this one, though, is the non-chronological way it’s told. Every chapter gives little glimpses into the pasts and presents of both twins, sometimes the same events from different angles, revealing a tiny bit of new information each time. I never found it confusing, just extremely interesting and vibrant, and SO emotionally satisfying in the last few chapters! The prose is beautiful too, sometimes I read it aloud to myself!

songs for revelations by @weatheredlaw  - rated Mature

So many of weatheredlaw’s fics wreck me in a variety of ways, but this one is maybe my favorite. It only has two chapters so far, but it’s SO EVOCATIVE and unusual and sometimes I just sit and think about it and wonder what will happen next. It’s the soft-apocalypse-adjacent AU I didn’t know I needed. Or, if you want to get fucked up by something finished, try their series all the way across the universe!

Bury the Lead by @marywhal - rated Teen and Up

Such a brilliant story! High school AUs are hard to do well, I think, and this is one of the best. It’s an ensemble story but from Taako’s POV, filled with extremely relatable versions of all the characters we know and love. There’s newspaper nerdery, wicked cool language stuff, and a million great moments that made me laugh, or cry, or both. Even if you don’t like AUs, I urge you to try this one!

Patterns of Migration by goodnicepeople - rated Teen and Up

Let me preface this by saying that I really want to put EVERYTHING by this author on my list. Their stories are all incredible, soft and beautiful and painful in good ways. It was hard to choose a favorite to list here, but this one is really special and elegantly crafted. It follows Angus and Magnus as child and parent, a progression over time as Angus grows up and Magnus slows down. In later chapters the addition of Taako to the dynamic produces some really lovely scenes, and also some very sad scenes--I cried a TON reading it.

Angus McDonald and the Case of the Mysterious Butter Wyvern by yassan - rated General Audiences

This is one of the funniest fics I’ve read in this fandom so far, and one of the closest in tone to the actual show. THB plus Angus is a great equation no matter what they’re doing, but when they’re shopping for a birthday present for the Director it takes on a whole new level of crazy. 

what can the harvest hope for by lagaudiere - rated Teen and Up

I think this is the first story on this list from Kravitz’s POV, and it’s GREAT. Full of great Reaper Squad interactions and marvelous Taakitz scenes, alternating with a really interesting, sometimes a little creepy, examination of John Hunger in the Eternal Stockade. If you’re into gray-area redemption stories and Kravitz being wonderful, then this is for you.

Oh have you seen my ghost? by greenglowsgold - rated Mature

Let me say first: if abuse or assault with intent to rape are triggering for you, you’ll probably want to give this one a pass. If that’s not an issue, then this is an excellently written and heart-hurting story about Taako’s past with Sazed, as seen through an unexpected and dangerous encounter. It’s beautifully subtle, and the last few lines legit broke my heart.

Reverie - by ltdominic - rated Teen and Up

Update: Reverie is finished! And it’s so beautiful, everything the first chapter hinted it would be. It’s one of my favorite themes, fucked-up Taako recovering from losing memories and getting them back. It’s painful and lovely, featuring a family who can see that something is wrong but can’t quite fix it, intermingled with backstory flashbacks. This story really captures the day to day struggle; there’s a crisis, and improvement, but there’s no perfectly happy ending.

“Cute, but still fucked up.” - by writersstareoutwindows - rated General Audiences

If you’re looking for a short and sweet pick-me-up in your day, this is it! The author drops you into a pitch-perfect and adorable scene between Taako, Lup, and Angus. They’ve captured a teasing-but-loving dynamic between the three that made me grin like a lunatic.

Taste Test (They Were Delicious) - by @marywhal - rated Teen and Up

Another moving and wonderful Taako-centric fic, made up of a series of vignettes set from the Starblaster years onward. Each section features a different meal (with a recipe, which is exciting), and a beautifully-written glimpse into Taako’s relationships. Lup features heavily, as one might guess, but the real through line is Lucretia, who poignantly bookends the story.

it takes a village - series by neverwinter ( @nxymxrjr ) - ratings range from General to Mature

This series is a modern AU full of extremely beautiful and moving found family interactions, told mostly from Angus’ point of view, and heavily featuring Taako as his legal guardian. You will notice if you read through this rec list that Taako and Angus as flawed-father-figure-and-son is MY FAVORITE THING, and this author does it so, so well. There’s some good parenting, some good sibling stuff with Taako and Lup, lovely Taakitz romance, and frequent cameos by the rest of the TAZ family. None of the stories in the series are explicit so far, but mind the tags for things like mental health issues, past abuse, and blood. Also, DEFINITELY check out their other TAZ stories!

with a pace and fury defiant - by redqueentheory - rated Mature

This author explores Taako’s inner life post-finale and the darker emotions that could follow that glorious happy ending. When he locates Kalen, he and Merle plan a road/camping trip with Magnus as cover and set off to avenge Julia. It’s beautifully written, sometimes painfully emotive (in a good way), and describes so much of what I headcanon about Taako’s feelings and how he deals with them that it’s like the author was reading my mind. It’s WONDERFUL (but check the tags, there is some violence). Do check out their other work as well, especially if you are into Bradko!

running into the sun (but i’m running behind) - by @quillyfied - rated General Audiences

Set between Crystal Kingdom and 11th Hour, this is a fantastic THB bonding fic! The bubble cannon breaks and strands the boys in the middle of the Faerun countryside, forcing them into a road trip that alternates wonderfully between sweet moments, drama from the past coming back to bite them, and very funny goofs. Their voices feel really in character to me, and the tone of this story is light enough that it could be a bonus episode of the show. I absolutely loved it, and I reread it all the time! Also, if you are a Davenchurch fan, definitely read i have loved the stars too fondly.

Wizard of Fortune - series by @fiercebadrabbit - rated General Audiences

This author has resisted the temptation to make Taako a Reaper when he dies--instead, he becomes a servant of Istus, creating a unique, beautiful, fascinating version of the far future in the Balance universe. I LOVE IT, so so much. Taako’s unusual personality shines through in all of his interactions, viewed through the eyes of the strangers who benefit from the hand of Fate. The writing has a lovely, mystical feel, which is a style I adore! This author has also written some very charming Taakitz, so check that out as well.

UPDATE: When fiercebadrabbit asked for ficlet requests, I excitedly asked for more Taako as a servant of Istus--and got THIS WONDERFUL GEM in reply! Go read it for excellent sibling sass!

through the days you will dream of losing me and losing you - by @androidsfighting - rated Teen and Up

I love stories about memory, and this one BREAKS ME every time I read it. An exceptionally written look at Taako after the finale and how he recovers (or doesn’t) from the effects of the Voidfish. There’s some really excellent Taako and Lup scenes, some great Barry, some great Lucretia, and lots of very visceral prose about remembering and forgetting and the confusion in between. It’s fairly short, but packs a powerful punch. I feel like this is both the fic I’ve wanted since hearing the finale and also the fic I’ve been trying to write since finishing the finale, so it’s both perfect and intimidating!

Luster - by @lsunnyc - rated Mature

This one is a WIP, but nearly done and worth the wait! After the finale, Taako is abducted from the train on a business trip to Goldcliff. The story alternates between Taako’s perspective, imprisoned but viciously determined to escape, and the rest of the TAZ family trying frantically to track him down when they realize he never made it to his destination. It’s SO DAMN GOOD YOU GUYS. Taako is very in character here and his intelligence and power really shine under stress; the worldbuilding of the “prison” where he’s trapped is also precise and fantastic. Every day that this fic has an update is a Good Day for me. Keep an eye on the tags though, there’s some carefully written dubcon.

Our own, soft hearts - series by @wildgoosery - ratings range from Teen to Explicit

If you, like me, longed to hear more of Taako and Kravitz on dates, then this series is your antidote! They’re so in character, and they’re so in love, and their every interaction is so wonderful. This fic really brings me joy, and also is sexy as hell. Also, the most recent installment is a wonderfully drawn fan comic! The author’s other work is also sexy and great, do check it out!

<3 If you’ve made it all the way to the bottom of this list and want even more fic to read, may I humbly suggest mine? Mostly about Taako, light touches of angst, and hopefully prose that approaches the wonderfulness of the stories I’ve recced here. 

[giraffles]

Stay The Night

forgot to post this one here, whoops! some post-canon sweet taakitz for y’all, because I’m weak for these boys. 

Stay The Night (Taako/Kravitz)

His solution, brilliantly, is to not sleep. Not until he falls over from exhaustion or passes out while cooking. He's even got everyone fooled that he's a-okay. At least he thinks he does. No one says otherwise, and that suits him just fine.

you can also read it on AO3 here!

The world doesn't end. And that's a good thing, because they didn't have a backup plan. There was no second chance, no desperate bid for freedom, no tedious reset. It was all or nothing. And they came out on top with all the sweet victory they could ever want. Against all odds, they won. They won, and it's a flood of joy and relief and tinged with a little disbelief. And it's absolutely exhausting. Taako isn't sure if it's physical or mental or just an ungodly combination of both. Maybe it's the weight of over one hundred years of memories finally catching up to him. It's a lot to have lived through, and then to have lived through again, much less cobble back together a coherent understanding of his place in the world. Like, holy fuck. That's a lot to wade through. Sometimes it gives him such a bad headache that it's easier not to think about it, and focus on the here and now. On rebuilding. On reconnecting with those he'd lost but some how found again against all odds. Lup has taken to finding new ways to scare the living hell out of everyone, from floating through the bureau at night to phasing through walls. She even startled him and wasted a whole pot of soup when she popped her lich head up through it. (He had chased her, for all the good it wouldn't do, while she cackled and made full use of her incorporeal form. It had been equal parts nostalgic and aggravating.) Magnus carves ducks in between rebuilding jobs, even though Fisher has long since departed their universe. Merle is trying, and mostly succeeding, to boost morale as they shift through the wreckage, finding what can be saved and mourning what cannot. Everyone is there. Everyone is safe. And yet there's this looming feeling of impending doom that just won't quit. It's as though that through the act remembering, Taako has forgotten what it's like to feel safe. Ignorance really was a sort of bliss, as much as the fuzzed out edges of his life had caused a constant turmoil, because now it's a struggle to stay on top of everything. So much is the same and yet so much can never be the same again. You can't go through something like the apocalypse and not be changed. Sure, at his core he's still Taako, from TV, a living brand name, a hero to be sung about down the ages; but now he's a different kind of Taako. Literally. It still takes a lot to convince himself he doesn't need the illusion spell every morning, and sometimes he does it anyway. Just a little. Nothing too noticeable, but enough to make him feel better, especially on the very likely chance that he hasn't slept much. Sleep is hard now. Meditation is straight out the fuckin' window. Nights and days get stretched together when he's plagued with either insomnia, or worse, the dreams. No, not dreams, because that would imply fantastical but harmless mind adventures. These are memories. Always back to the goddamn memories. The worst ones, the times they almost didn't make it, when he had to watch friends die or feel the cold sting of death himself. Or memories that his brain decided to make up new, more grim endings; his sister, turned to ash, his boy, bleeding out on the floor. Endless rounds of games in a horror carnival that leaves everyone he ever cared about in pieces. Things that leave him awake and gasping and on the edge of tears. Things like that. His solution, brilliantly, is to not sleep. Not until he falls over from exhaustion or passes out while cooking. He's even got everyone fooled that he's a-okay. At least he thinks he does. No one says otherwise, and that suits him just fine.

Date night rolls around. Taako has been looking forward to it all month, a distraction and an excuse to monopolize Death's free time. No business talk. No family. No not-actually-family-but-kinda-sorta-maybe-adopted family. Just the two of them, together, for a nice evening. And god, did he need a break. There's still so many loose ends to tie up, so many things that still need to be sorted out. Not to mention the new void of what the hell he was going to do with his life now. Kravitz stops when he sees him. He squints at Taako, and frowns. "Are you okay?" "Just fine, babe," as fine as he could be, really, "Why, didja forget how gross I looked now?" When all else fails, self-deprecating humor is where it's at. He can preen and put himself down at the same time. Win-win. Kravitz pauses, brows knitted and looking at him intently, seemingly gathering up the right words. "Taako," he begins carefully, "When was the last time you slept?" "Dunno. What's today?" The reaper sighs. He rubs his forehead. Taako drapes himself lovingly in his arms. He's dizzy on an endorphin high and ready for a night out on the town with his most beloved bae. Even if said bae keeps looking at him with such a sour face, and-- "You're going to bed. Right now." "Oh no--" Taako attempts to bolt, but has already made the fatal mistake of allowing Kravitz so close. He might not technically be alive, but he has all the strength of a man his size, and Kravitz has him in a vice grip. He struggles. Any other day of the week and he'd be admiring those guns, but today they're helping commit a great betrayal. Taako whines. "Babe! C'mon!" "No," Kravitz picks him up and starts carrying him inside, "You look like I should be collecting your soul soon, and frankly, that's a little alarming." Taako does his best to wriggle out of his grasp, but it's fruitless. Kravitz can be just as stubborn as he is. Taako resorts to flailing and complaining. However, neither of those slow down the reaper, who's drawing ever closer to his dormitory door. "I don't need sleep! It's for the weak!" "Yes, you do," Somehow Kravitz manages to keep a hold of him even as Taako flips himself upside down, which is both impressive and infuriating, "We can go out another time." Taako huffs and crosses his arms, braid swinging freely and dragging on the floor. This sucks. He can't even get one lousy night to not think about how overwhelming everything is. Kravitz is the worst and he hates him. (He doesn't, of course, he adores his hot boyfriend who's sometimes a skeleton, who's both a badass and a giant dork. He's just mad at him at the moment.) Taako gives him the silent treatment. It's harder to do than it looks, because he'd much rather be vocal about the injustice that's happening to him. Kravitz sighs again. "Taako--" "I'm not talking to you." "Love, please," the pet names have come out, and he resolves to not let it affect him, "You know I care, right?" "I guess," Taako pouts as he's gently set on a couch, "But I wanted to spend time with you." Kravitz looks conflicted. Taako sulks and makes a point to avoid eye contact. So maybe he's a little cranky for only sleeping three hours out of as many days. It's still not fair. "I could stay." Kravitz says. He blinks dumbly up at him. "Do what now?" "Stay with you. While you get some rest. That's a lot creepier out loud than it was in my head." "Do you even need to sleep?" "No," Kravitz admits, "But I wouldn't mind. I mean, if you wanted me to. I don't have to. But I could, I have the whole night off, not that I expected to... do anything. For the whole night. I should stop taking now? I'm stopping now. Sorry." He can't believe he's in love with such a ridiculous, stupid, wonderful, and kind person. Entity? The definition was kind of up in the air for that one. Taako doesn't have to look to know that Kravitz is blushing, probably all the way up to his ears, off-kilter and rambling. He's still wrapping his head around the idea that there are persons out there who, honest to gods, want to put Taako first. Taako doesn't even think Taako deserved that. Sure, that's not what he tells people-- because no one needs to know how bad the inner battle gets. In some ways remembering has made it easier. In others, it's that much harder now. He thinks, that maybe, it would be nice to have someone at his side. Someone who liked him before his life's story got broadcast through reality. Taako considers the proposal for a moment. "Okay." "Okay?" "Okay as in, you best be ready to get super snuggled. I'm clingy as hell." Kravitz gives him a shy smile. "I think I can handle that."

Kravitz has a bigger frame than he does-- nothing like Magnus or Killian who are built like brick shit houses, but he's not as slight as Taako is. Even as a flipwizard, there's not much he can do about genetics and non-athletic career choices. It takes him a minute to fish out some of his more drapey clothes that have half a chance of fitting Kravitz. As much as he enjoys the suit and cloak ensemble, it's not exactly practical sleepwear. And it would be a shame to excessively wrinkle it. Unless it was gonna be in a sexy way, but that should probably wait until another time, when he's fully present for all the fun. Taako's fanciest skirt goes flying across the room, landing on a bookshelf that has less books than colorful knick-knacks and choice pieces of junk. The first time Kravtiz had come over, in a panic he had tried to cover everything in sheets instead of cleaning up, but somehow managed to trip and pull them all down at once. It had been equal parts hysterical and mortifying. Kravitz said that his collection of garbage was 'charming'. Taako still isn't sure he believes that, but it's still sweet. What's also sweet is the way that Kravitz pointedly looks away, trying to be respectful or something-- as though they haven't fucked wildly on various flat (and not so flat) surfaces around his room. He's flustered and it's still as cute as the first time it happened. And nothing would top that first morning, that so called walk of shame where Merle gave them a knowing wink when they came down for breakfast, and Taako had 'accidentally' burned his pancakes in return. At least everyone else had a little more tact and kept their opinions and eyes to themselves. None of them also wanted burned pancakes. But he sets aside those more recent and pleasant memories for pajamas instead, wiggling into them and undoing his complicated orante braids as Kravitz dons his spare clothes. They're still a little tight on him. Taako is very okay with this. "Just sleeping." Kravitz says firmly, catching his gaze. He pouts back. "Not even a little smooching?" The reaper pauses and seems to think on it a moment, though he knows what the answer will probably be. Taako makes his eyes extra big and disarming anyway, having perfected the cute puppy look years ago. You could never be too sure. "Fine, a little smooching," Kravitz yields, "But you have to get some rest." Taako dramatically falls forward into those strong arms again, knowing he'll be easily caught and securely held. "Then take me to bed, big guy." He doesn't miss that breathless laugh, and revels in the way his heart lifts as he's easily swung up and onto his unmade bed. There's no illusions here that if Taako really wanted to he could have a dozen different spells incapacitating his lover, leaving escape for him wide open. Power acquired over decades of study and practice and mad dashes across planes has given him abilities previously only talked about in legends. And so maybe he is a legend, something that should be mysterious and untouchable, always sought but never found. Just like a light they'd once chased through realities. A story to be sung, a name to be called in hushed tones, an abstract ideal to be strived towards. So it's nice, he thinks, when Kravitz looks at him like a person. When Kravitz gets frustrated with him, exasperated, or even bemused. When he looks at Taako like he's the whole world and then kisses him like it's ending all over again. It's nice to have that grounding force to remind him that he's not entirely a fuck up and that he's also not just a product of good marketing. He never thought it would matter to him so much. But it does, and every action is an affirmation, from the way Kravitz smiles at him to the way he runs fingers so gently through his hair. It's wonderful and it hurts and it's so good. He's drunk on the feeling of being wanted. "It's... not too cold, is it?" Kravitz asks him nervously as he curls up on that broad chest, nestling into the crook between neck and shoulder. Yes, he's cool to the touch-- he's never been anything approaching warm since Taako met him. But he's gotten used to it, adapted even, because Kravitz doesn't feel icy and doesn't leave him with a chill. It's almost pleasant in weird way. "S' fine," he mumbles back sleepily, "Kinda nice, actually." Already something is different from all the other times he'd recently crawled into bed or dozed off in the foyer. Something shifts, puts a damper on the rolling anxiety and dread. It takes him another few long moments to realize it's an aura of safety that he's been missing. A bit of calm in a turbulent sea that's been threatening to sink him for weeks. There's no heartbeat beneath his ear, and he's sure the breathing part is either habit or for his own benefit, but it's a piece of normalcy that soothes beyond a doubt. It's something he hadn't realized he even needed. Something solid. Something real. He wraps his arm around Kravitz and holds tight. Taako hadn't been kidding about the clinging part, knowing full well from his days of youth he had a tendency to latch onto things (or someones) in his sleep. This is still different, a conscious effort not to let go of a tie keeping him close to home. Because petty fears and insecurities only seemed to grow as time went on, feeding on each other and plaguing every thought both conscious and not, bringing him to the vicious cycle he was now caught in. And while usually the words would flow so easily, he now found them strangled in his throat. They died before Taako can give them a voice. Kravitz must have felt the tension reverberating through his body, because a hand comes up to push circles into his back. Yes, they've banged countless times, but this is a different intimacy. A different context for something slow and sweet. And he suddenly feels bad for being so needy and high maintenance, but can't summon the energy to do anything about it. "I'm right here," Kravitz murmurs into the darkness, "I'm not going anywhere." And really, that's all he needs to know. That there's someone there. That it's safe to let go.

[flashwitch]

The Nature of Gifts.

Kravitz asked for a boon. It is granted. 

Here on AO3.

Warmth is a gift.

It is unlooked for, unasked for, and it is even more special for all that.

Kravitz had been cold for a long time.   He did not know he could be warm. Death is cold. Death is unceasing. Death is all encompassing. He has been dead for a long time.

And yes, he has the better part of the deal, working for the Raven Queen. He wasn’t locked in the Eternal Stockade. He had not been sent on to what comes next. He was free to visit the different realms. He was allowed to have a life, which is a big deal for a dead guy.

But there are still downsides. Being cold is one of them. His heart does not beat. He does not breathe. That is just how it is.

Then there is Taako.

Taako who is so full of life. Taako who has lived so much and died so many times.

Imagine this. You have spent decades, centuries, hunting down the escaped dead. You are cold. You are empty. You have friends, sure, but they are all dead too, and they are all bounty hunters. You cannot have too much sympathy to do this job. You’ve tried to cling on to your own emotions, but they look down on you for it. Especially since you are her favourite.

Then you meet an elf. You meet an elf and a man and a dwarf. And they have died more times than anyone you have hunted before. And they fight you and they help you and they are so full of life.

And you fall in love.

Kravitz never expected it. He never expected his feelings to be returned.

He examined his feelings, curious, then filed them away.

But it didn’t end. Taako asked him out. They dated. That’s not something dead things get to do. They fall deeper and deeper for each other. It changes everything. It changes nothing.

His hands were still cold. His heart didn’t beat. But this, it made him feel alive.

He tells his co-workers, his supposed friends, they pity him, he can tell. They smile and pat his head and say he should enjoy it while it lasts. Everything dies, they say. Everything that lives must die. And every dead thing must eventually move on.

He does not cry.

He takes Taako back to the Chug and Squeeze. This is after their first date. This is before they save the world. They drink champagne and they make plates. Afterwards, they kiss and press close and hold each other. Taako whispers quiet things and Kravitz whispers back.

Then they save the world. Taako. His friends. His sister and that was a problem. They save the world and they save all the plains and it’s wonderful and terrifying and he loves him even more and he didn’t even think that was possible.

He goes to the Raven Queen, hat in hand. He goes down on his knees. He is prepared to beg.

Taako’s only just got her back, Kravitz can’t be the one to take her away again.

“The answer is yes,” the Queen says, after listening to his plea. “Did you really think I would say no? There are details to be worked out, of course, but they saved our plain as well. Exceptions can be made.”  She smiled. “Besides, Istus would never forgive me if I slighted her heroes.”

“So Barry and Lup?”

“They will get their second chance.”

“Thank you.” He started to stand, ready to leave and she stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“I have something for you as well. A boon.”

“You do?”

“You have chosen a difficult road, and you saved the world as well, you know.”

“I helped, I guess.”

“You did.” She leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. His heart beat, just once, shocking and sharp in his chest. “There.” She squeezed his arm and smiled gently. “You take that back to your boy.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Kravitz had no idea what she had given him, but he knew to be grateful. He stood, bowed, then turned around and began to walk out of the Queen’s chamber. He paused just before reaching the door. “I’m going to lose him, aren’t I?”

The Raven Queen sighed.

“All things that live must die. But do not think on that. You have now. Let that be enough.”

Time was a gift. Warmth was a gift. Lying in bed together, hands tangled together, feeling his heart beat. That was a gift.

“I love you, Taako,” he said, and his face was warm and his hands were warm and their breath mingled between them.

“I love you too, bubela. Of course I do.”

They are together and he feels alive. It is enough.

[trustlup]

an ode to an epic

“I just want to know the nature of your relationship with Lup, Lucretia.”

It is an order from his mouth that Lucretia is very aware that she has to follow, and even in her morally guided heart she does have to acquiesce to her superior, and in reality she should have revealed this information ages ago, but as she tightens her grip on her journals, the words are gone.

What is her relation to Lup?

Prompt: I've always wanted to see their interactions as a couple with the other members of the IPRE/the others' reactions to them. (@isolatedphenomenon)

thank you for the prompt!! which i sorta covered. 

(Lupcretia | AO3)

Taako is the first to notice. 

Lucretia is not surprised to note this, and she had even assumed that maybe he would notice it sooner than he did. Maybe it’s because his own eye has started to drift on its own to others on the ship so his gaze no longer lingers solely on his sister, but still, she feels like the crush and more development between her and Lup is glaringly obvious. 

Lup is tactile, sure, everyone has gotten used to her hands in their own or her arm around shoulders or even their waist. 

It is a different type of tactile when Lup is with her. Her hands still drift to every part of her body and even try to thread their fingers together while Lucretia is just trying to record the new work out reports provided by Magnus on the crew’s wellbeing. She has to stop, switch her pen to her other hand and accept that she will have to finish copying the report in her other notebook later. It is worth it for Lup leaning into her side and pressing her smile into her shoulder. 

That, that is normal, and could, most likely given a few exceptions, happen to anyone on the ship. Lup at the end of the day needs to be able to touch and while Taako had filled that need before, Lup is enjoying having five new people to toy with. What is different with Lucretia, and especially now that they are—a thing? Dating seems too formal and anything that Lup has offered has been to crass to pass Lucretia’s own lips—together, is that Lup seeks for Lucretia to touch her as well. 

Like a dog tipping its head for an owner to pet it, Lup will tilt, leave her side open or her thigh within reach of Lucretia, hoping that her wandering hand that needs to toy with something if it does not have a pen will land place just on her. 

And so Lucretia does, filling both of their needs with just one touch.

Her left hand drifts to Lup’s thigh, toying with the trim of her shorts, rolling the hem between her fingers and feeling the individual threads and trying to picture it in her mind as she mindlessly writes. Her fingers also trail over Lup’s own thighs, stopping to trace scars and moles alike. Anything that is raised and that catches her fingertips is fair game. She sometimes even just traces the muscle of her leg if it’s tensed from working out earlier. 

Either way, Lup lives for her touch. 

As she traces paths on her uneven skin, goose bumps rise up and she traces those too. Switching from the pad of her finger to the nail. 

(It’s just on her thighs when they are in public spaces, but when they’re in private, Lup loves to take off her shirt and insist on Lucretia giving her a massage or scratching her back. She had asked her once, in private, if Lup didn’t like to be touched anywhere, if there were limits to their relationship, and she had laughed, brighter than the bulb that Barry had recently replaced in the bathroom that surprised and warmed Lucretia. 

If I don’t want you to touch me, Luc, you know something is very wrong.)

 And while maybe it is true that Taako eyes were drifted elsewhere when her own hands had been tracing stars into his sister’s skin, she still expects for him to notice it by the third time that they are together, not the fifth. 

It’s instantaneous and Lup doesn’t notice a second.

 Lup enters the mess room after spending nearly the entire day hunched over research with Barry and three cups of coffee that Magnus had made them and nearly collapses into Lucretia’s side while Taako is at the counter trying to find the secret to Magnus’ biscuits and gravy. Lucretia had taken note of both of their recipes and had offered to tell him what the difference was, but he had insisted that his own tongue would know much better than her eyes and that had been that and that had also led to Taako mulling in the kitchen for a week. 

However, it is his eyes that take in Lup taking Lucretia’s arm and wrapping it around her, burying her face in the crook on her neck and sighing in exhaustion. It is his eyes that widen in realization. It is his mouth that shuts tightly.

 His mouth doesn’t stay shut for long, it seems, by the next the day Magnus is watching them with wide eyes trying to catch the hints that Taako had told him. 

All it takes is for Lup to narrow her eyes at him, without even knowing why his gaze was lingering on them, for Magnus to immediately turn tail and retreat from any advances, accepting that Taako’s own judgement and word was enough for him. Surprisingly not forward enough to actually confront them on the issue at hand.

She fears that this thing—private ended up being a good word for them, still hesitant to put anything more to it, that even Lucretia herself cannot think of a proper word, other than one describing that this thing is entirely their own and no one else’s—is about to become, exactly, not private. 

Magnus Burnsides is undoubtably a young, human, man—as if Lucretia could really put emphasis on young as physically she also resembled a twenty year old human—and has the tongue of such. A tongue that yearns to spill out words and loose lips that have only been encouraged by those on the ships. Secrets a forgone venture considering that most on the ship are within a fifty meter radius at all times. 

Lucretia had never brought up what would happen when others found out—a hopeful and foolish thing that she wished no one would find out. Undoubtable ignorance in her thinking that Lup could be subtle for more than a month or so regarding them—although there was plenty of plausible deniability in their relationship. They had always had a close relationship and maybe even few on the ship witnessed and acknowledged that it was flirtatious in nature. There were plenty of places for Lucretia to fall back on if Lup were say uncomfortable with other’s finding out about their relationship. 

Lucretia had already mapped out plenty of solutions.

Lucretia had already been working on more ways to define their relationship other than it being their private thing, especially after it becomes their not-private thing.  

She felt guilty and maybe even disingenuous looking up references in other novels, in other romances for what their relationship could be defined as. It’s private and totally and entirely theirs so looking to others for references on her romance—she notes, that this is her first time actually thinking of it as such, a romance, and good god, is she as embarrassingly giddy as ever holding the romance novels in her hands. 

Lucretia herself is a writer—she should be able to wax poetry into the next cycle just on the curling warmth that licks down her spine every time Lup cups her cheek and lazily runs her lips across her nose and then her cheekbones and her eyes but never quite reaching her lips. A ghost of laughter on Lup’s lips as Lucretia follows her and chases her lips. 

An ode would be even better. Lucretia could practically feel the words tipping at her lips, begging to fall from her own lips and onto the page to merely attempt to encompass the amount of overwhelming passion that drips from Lup in just one of their exchanges. A dedication to Lup would be sufficient, but Lucretia balks at the time it would take to write all that Lup is, and she fears that in the end, she is nothing short of an epic. 

So when Davenport stands in front of her, even while she clutches a journal to her chest and containing not at all intimate details of her relationship and is actually research that she’s been summarizing for Barry with Merle in the background, peeking through the doorway with not an ounce of guilt in his heart, Lucretia freezes. Her mouth is dry and every bit of her that wanted to dedicate the rest of her life to writing an epic center on Lup, quiets down and offers not one ounce of help, not even a single word. 

He clears his throat, gaze unwavering as a captain should be, and repeats himself, “I just want to know the nature of your relationship with Lup, Lucretia.” 

It is an order from his mouth that Lucretia is very aware that she has to follow and even in her morally guided heart she does have to acquiesce to her superior and in reality she should have revealed this information ages ago, but as she tightens her grip on her journals, the words are gone. 

What is her relation to Lup? 

To state that their relation is entirely physical like some of the others on the ship is underwhelming and maybe even overstating it at the same time. Anything more besides the basic facts feels like she is betraying the very essence of their relation. Not to mention it is not entirely up to her to make this decision of what words to use and feels incredibly selfish of herself to define it on her own with no consolation with Lup.

 “That is private, sir,” and it leaves her mouth as if all the other words had finally made her lips as loose as Taako’s or Magnus’ or Merle's. The gaping shock and utter joy on Merle’s face as he watches this unfold is irritating to say the least, but her gaze remains on Davenport as he takes in her response. She desperately looks at the way he responds—any sort of physical indicators to help her know how he is taking her impromptu and brash response. 

He narrows his eyes once, and Lucretia waits as her throat swells in shame, before he nods, “Of course it is, I would just prefer it that next time that you disclose this information to me as it could become sensitive to the mission. You two can do… whatever, I haven’t stopped anyone else and I will not stop you. Just consider this a warning, Lucretia.” 

And he’s gone. 

She lets out a breath that she had been holding for nearly a minute and returns to her room after slipping a note under Lup’s door—a note that she will probably not see for a couple hours as she’s been working late with Barry to find if there is a way to track the light’s magic signature. So Lucretia goes and sits at her desk and pulls out some of her previous journals and reads over them. 

What would she call even what she is doing now? Reading over her past entries regarding Lup and her and Lup. It’s reassuring definitely, to be able to read the words that Lup has used regarding her and both of their actions. There’s a part of her during the beginning of their thing that Lucretia had been almost certain that maybe she was reading into things. Lup certainly flirted with quite a lot of people, she touched a lot of people, so what made Lucretia different? It is obvious now and Lucretia is thankful for that—it puts her heart and mind at ease. 

Still, reading over the entries, she cannot think of a perfect word to flow off the tongue. Instead, she finds hundreds, thousands of words the perfectly encompass who they are. Words that she has already said, the Lup has said and that Lucretia has recorded for posterity and that she is willingly to repeat again and again.

There is a knock on her door and before she can even answer, Lup pops her head in, quickly glancing around before her eyes land on her. She’s absolutely exhausted and a pang runs through Lucretia. It’s selfish of her to want to define this when everything between them has been going fine so far, and if Lup wanted to define it then she would have at this point. 

Lup grins at her before slipping in, “Just making sure you weren’t in the nude,” she then winks.

“That would have not stopped you,” Lucretia points out and moves some of her journals off of her desk so that she can sit on it.

 Lup doesn’t and instead just leans against it and then leans over her, hugging her from behind and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Damn right. Whatchya working on, honey baby?” 

“Just reviewing and reading over things,” she tells her and cranes her neck just a bit to allow for Lup to press a kiss to her neck. 

She can feel Lup’s grin against her neck, “Mm, babe, I know that’s entries ‘bout us. You reading the porn you wrote about us or what?” 

Lucretia wrinkles her nose and nudges Lup, “Of course not, I didn’t write that down. It’s not professional.”

She can almost feel her eye rolls, “Course, Luc, me going down on you isn’t professional but every single endearment I’ve ever called you is.”

 She closes that journal and turns to look at her, and Lucretia has to cup her cheek and brush her thumb over the bags underneath her eye. She looks absolutely exhausted and she wants nothing more than to kiss her and then tuck her into bed. “You should go to bed,” she presses.

Lup snorts and pulls away, stretching and Lucretia eyes immediately fall to the small bit of skin at her waist exposed by that. She grins and tugs her shirt back down, “I’ll sleep after I get some food in me—you think Mags left me some of that soup he made?”

She nods—he always made sure to set out a portion of his own food for Lup or Taako to try. They stay for a minute, just looking at each other, and it isn’t awkward for either of them. 

Instead there’s just a warm fondness seeping into the moment as Lup’s hand plays with her own. “You coming?” she asks, tugging on her hand just a bit. 

“Of course,” and she straightens her journals before getting up.

 And just maybe, as they join hands and Lup brings her hand up to kiss it, does Lucretia accept that while she cannot exactly define what it is between them with one word it is alright. What they have is entirely theirs and while the terms girlfriend and lover trip out of her mouth and get tangled in her lips unsure what one fits them best, she can recognize a love that is entirely theirs. 

As sappy as it is and with each page of her journal dripping with more and more saccharine as Lup’s epic naturally forms whether Lucretia realizes it or not, she is fine sitting in kitchen with Lup heating up soup before slipping into her lap to eat it, not bothered by the wandering gaze of Taako anymore. 

[anistarrose]

Update: Now a series on AO3!

“Hey, Reaper Man, I’ve got an idea for you!” Taako says all of a sudden. Something about the gleam in his eye piques Kravitz’s curiosity, even though hearing out ideas from death criminals is an objectively unwise idea.

“Do tell, then,” Kravitz replies, and the mischievous smile on Taako’s face expands into a toothy grin.

“You hunt down a lot of different bounties, right? And Lucas and Maureen and No-3113, they can’t possibly be the worst criminals on your naughty list, can they?”

“Naughty list? What is he, Santa?” Magnus snickers.

“Today has been a Day with a capital D,” Kravitz warns Taako, “and I’m not in the mood to hear an argument about why I should let them go because morality is relative —”

“Cool your collarbones, Skeletor, I may have come here to get the Philosopher’s Stone, but I’m no philosopher. I was just thinking: what if we tracked down one of your bigger bounties for you? You let some harmless death criminals go, we bring you a really evil one in return, you collect a big old bounty and also get to see my charming face again! Doesn’t that deal sound like a winner?”

“In practice, it just sounds like a good way to get double-crossed, but in theory, I will admit that does sound like quite a bargain.” Kravitz mentally runs through his list of bounties, almost immediately focusing on one particular lich that’s vexed him for years.

“And I have to admit, I’d love nothing more than seeing you three take a crack at bringing in Barry J. Bluejeans —”

Kravitz is interrupted as Taako lets out a wheezy laugh like a congested elephant. Magnus and Merle aren’t far behind either, guffawing so heartily that they fog up the insides of ther null suit helmets.

“I laughed at that name once just like you, but when you’ve been hunting him for years to no avail, it won’t seem so funny anymore!” Kravitz warns them. “He’s easily in the top five most dangerous liches in Faerun, not to mention the number one most elusive!”

“Barry’s a LICH?!” Magnus chortles, as Merle doubles over clutching his stomach and Taako rolls around on the floor in hysterics.

“All that time in Phandalin, we were at the mercy of an evil undead overlord and we didn’t even know it!” Taako cackles, evidently not too troubled by the revelation. “Fuck, we’re lucky to even be alive!”

That catches Kravitz off guard. “Wait, you’ve met Barry Bluejeans?”

“And lived to tell the tale!” Merle boasts. “We could totally do it again, by the way!”

“Hang on, Merle,” No-3113 interrupts. “Was this what you meant earlier? When you said you were friends with a couple of liches?”

Merle looks genuinely clueless. “When did I say that?”

“Never mind.” No-3113 sighs, then turns to Kravitz. “There’s gotta be some mistake. Some kinda identity confusion. The Bluejeans I met in Phandalin, he — he was a good man. He tried to keep us hidden from that awful dwarf, that dwarf that was setting everything on fire as far as the eye could see. I’d... I’d even call him a hero.”

“That doesn’t really sound like our Barry,” Merle says. “He was kind of an ass. Told me to stab myself with a rusty fork.”

As his bounties squabble among themselves over the true nature of Barry Bluejeans, Kravitz takes the opportunity to pray to the Raven Queen.

Your Majesty, if these surprisingly competent criminals think they can really track down such a dangerous lich... would taking their offer be the right choice? Or am I about to be scammed?

The reply is immediate, as if the Raven Queen had already been observing the Miller Lab intently and contemplating the situation for herself. I cannot make this decision for you, Kravitz. But I trust your judgement.

Thank you, milady. Kravitz collects himself, and announces his terms.

“I’ll tell you what. One lich isn’t quite enough to sell me on this deal... but two liches would be. Especially if the latter of the two hasn’t been detected in  a decade. If you bring me the both of them in the next three months, everyone involved in this whole Miller debacle goes free — but if you fail, I come to collect all your souls. You still up for this deal?”

Magnus looks like he wants to ask for clarification, but before he can get a word out, Taako casually declares:

“Sure, dude, we’re up for it. Who’s the second lich, other than Barry?”

“Her name is Lup, and she was last sensed in the general vicinity of Wave Echo Cave ten years ago,” Kravitz replies with a smile. “That’s all I know about her, so that’s all the information you get, too. Good luck!”