#and i told her recently. years after the worst of it. because yes it still lingers and i still have flare ups.

[grimforks]

thinking about the way i was experiencing real, honest to god genuine psychosis all through middle and high school and up until idk a couple of years ago. what the fuck.

[emberuby]

you deserve better | l.hs

pairing: lee heeseung x fem! reader

summary: heeseung overhears you crying about your asshole of a boyfriend. he'd do anything to show you how much better you deserve.

warnings: best friend's brother! heeseung, age gap (hee is 3 years older), mentions of body shaming, heavy insecurity, toxic ex, infidelity but it's deserved, soft dom! heesung, simp heesung, sub! reader, thigh riding, oral (f receiving), vaginal sex, missionary, creampie, sort of angst?, hurt comfort, not proofread.

wc: 4.7k

“Stop being such a pussy and break up with him already,” Sunoo groaned, rolling his eyes at the ceiling. Hojung slapped him on the shoulder and glared fiercely. She felt a surge of frustration on your behalf at Sunoo's nonchalant attitude.

“Sunoo! That’s not helping,” Hojung snarled, her eyes filled with annoyance as she looked at him, but they softened when she turned back to you.

You looked utterly miserable, eyes red and puffy from crying. Your hair was a mess, and your mascara was smeared in blotchy streaks across your cheeks from constantly rubbing your face.

You had recently discovered that your boyfriend of six months was growing bored of your relationship, especially your sex life. You knew it was a trivial thing to cry over, and Sunoo was right. Breaking up with him would be the simplest solution to end this cycle of misery.

“Come on, I'm just being real. He’s clearly not worth it. He humiliates you in front of his friends, sexualises you in front of them, mocks your weight, and can’t even make you orgasm but has the audacity to say the sex is boring? Hojung, why haven’t we kicked his ass yet?” Sunoo folded his arms across his chest and scowled, imagining the worst possible things happening to your boyfriend.

Hojung looked deflated as she slowly nodded, agreeing with everything Sunoo said. She grabbed your hand softly and looked at you with pure sympathy. “Y/N, I hate seeing you like this. Why are you still with him?”

You hiccuped, feeling on the verge of tears again at her worried tone. Despite hating to burden your best friends with your problems, they had been persistent in getting you to open up about what had been happening since they noticed your change in demeanour over the past few weeks.

You had been unusually quiet and dejected, often barricading yourself in your room. Sunoo and Hojung decided to hold an intervention, and now here you were, tipsy off a few seltzers, spilling everything that had been plaguing your relationship onto them. At first, they were angry with you for not telling them sooner, but now their focus was solely on your cunt of a boyfriend.

“I don’t know,” you sniffed, “I have no idea why I’m still with a man who makes me so utterly insecure. I guess I think…I won’t be able to find someone if I were to leave him. I’ve never had guys go after me so a small part of me thinks I should just deal with this because what other choice do I have?” You knew you sounded pathetic, but at this point, you couldn’t care less. 

“Is that what he told you?” Sunoo asked, now matching Hojung’s level of rage.

You stayed silent, but the answer was yes. Your boyfriend always told you how lucky you were to be in a relationship with him given how dull and flawed you were. Before this relationship, you couldn’t remember having this many confidence issues, but ever since he came into your life, you can’t help but believe his words. Maybe you were so undesirable that this is your one and only chance for a relationship. 

“Snap out of it, Y/N! None of what you said was true. You are beautiful and so incredible." Hojung furrowed her eyebrow and drunkenly yelled, “I will kill that bastard for making you feel this way, I swear!”

“Oh! But if I said that, you’d call me all sorts of dramatic,” Sunoo scoffed.

“Yeah, because you would actually mean it,” Hojung retorted, snapping her fingers in front of Sunni’s face. It made you flashback to your early high school days when Sunoo would go after boys who teased you, usually by physically confronting them in the courtyard.

“I…You’re right. Both of you. I will break up with him, soon. I just hope I’m not such a coward that I chicken out like last time,” you used the ends of your sweater to wipe the tears away from your eyes, not caring anymore about the mascara stains that were being left on the fabric.

“You’re telling me you tried to break up with him before and didn’t follow through?” Hojung gasped. 

Before you could answer, you heard footsteps approaching. Turning around, you saw Lee Heeseung, Hojung’s older brother. Despite knowing he was off-limits, you couldn’t help but get nervous and infatuated every time he was around. Ever since you met him at thirteen, you’ve had a crush on him that was all too obvious to Hojung, not that she ever commented on it.

Perhaps it was slightly more than a tiny crush, but either way, you knew your place and never sought after him. Even if he wasn’t your best friend’s older brother, you knew he was way above your league. He carried himself with a confidence and beauty you could only dream of possessing.

It had been a year since you’d last seen Heeseung. He went off to a university in Europe but came back periodically to visit his family. Now that he was almost graduating and had more free time, he decided to come home for a few months and was staying at your and Hojung’s apartment for the week to catch up with his baby sister. 

Hojung snapped her head up at him, furrowing her eyebrows. “Heeseung! What do you need? We’re having a private conversation,” she scolded. 

Heeseung came up behind her to ruffle her hair, much to her annoyance. “You need to watch how much you drink,” he said sternly. 

“Ugh, I didn’t drink that much. I’m fine. Now go away!” She slurred.

“Fine!” Heeseung raised his arms slightly in surrender, “I just came to get some water.”

Heeseung looked down into your eyes, mesmerising you. You held eye contact for a moment before you got too nervous and tried to find anywhere else to look. Although his stare was rather intense and mostly unreadable, there was a hint of concern etched on his expression. “You okay?” He asked.

You nodded meekly, face heating up at the embarrassment of him having to see you in this state—a crying and babbling mess over a boyfriend who clearly wasn’t worth your tears. You tried to lower your gaze so it wouldn’t be so obvious to him, but it was mostly useless.

Heeseung walked over to the fridge and took out four water bottles. When he came back to the table, you felt him behind you, and the heat emanating off his body was all too noticeable. Your breathing became irregular as he leaned over from behind you to place the water bottles on the table. 

Hojung took a swig of water and suddenly tumbled out of her seat, running towards the kitchen to empty the contents of her stomach into the sink. You stood up to hold her hair back, followed by a worried but calm Heeseung. 

“How much did she drink?” Heeseung asked.

You kept your mouth shut, but Sunoo didn’t seem to have a problem with tattling as he said, “A few seltzers, a bottle of soju, three shots of tequila,” he grabbed a can from Hojung’s side of the table and inspected it, “And a beer?”

“Fucking hell,” you heard Heeseung murmur under his breath. “Hojung, what is your problem? You know you’re a lightweight.”

Hojung just groaned back, too dishevelled to say anything. You placed your palm on her forehead and felt it burn. 

“Alright, that’s enough, let’s wrap it up. Hojung, go to bed,” Heeseung scolded. 

“Sunoo, I’ll call you an Uber and—,” you started.

“No, he can stay and sleep on the couch, it’s too late. All of you go clean yourselves up and go to sleep,” Heeseung instructed, his tone leaving no room for argument.

Heeseung and Sunoo led Hojung back to her room, holding onto her by the shoulders.  

You were sitting alone at the table now, scattered with empty cans of cheap alcohol and glass bottles of half-empty liquor. It was half past midnight, and although you desperately wanted to sleep, your mind was still plagued with the thoughts of how you were going to break up with the man who was poisoning your life.

You hadn’t even realised that Heeseung sat across from you until you felt him grab the drink can from your hand. He looked over to you disapprovingly, but also worried. 

“Hojung and Sunoo both went to bed, you should too,” he said quietly. His voice was so soft and soothing that it did make you want to fall asleep to the sound of it.

“I don’t think I can.”

Heeseung had heard everything you said, and he was doing a rather good job at hiding just how enraged he was at your scum of a boyfriend. Not to mention how angry he was at the words you said about yourself. It made him want to grab you by the shoulders and tell you in detail just how gorgeous and desirable you were, right after breaking the jaw of the man who made you cry like this.

If it were up to him, you would never cry unless it’s from pleasure from how good he made you feel. 

He snapped out of his crude thought. “Your boyfriend sounds like a real charmer,” he said sarcastically. 

You looked away from him, embarrassed, “So I guess you heard everything?”

“Sorry,” he said all too unapologetic, “I’m not the type to eavesdrop, I swear.”

“It’s fine. I just don’t want you to think I’m pathetic. I swear I’ll break up with him tomorrow.”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic at all, just misguided. You think way too low of yourself.” His stare made you feel so small. “You’re fucking gorgeous, Y/N.”

Your face heated up like crazy. You finally looked back up into his eyes and Heeseung felt amused at your flustered and shocked face. You were adorable beyond your comprehension. 

“You don’t know how many men would do anything to have you.” Present company included, Heeseung thought. 

You shook your head, chuckling weakly, “You don’t have to say that.”

His eyes went dark now, frustrated at how you didn’t believe him. He leaned over the table to grab your hand. It was comforting and far too gentle for you to have reacted by flinching at the sudden touch. “I mean it, Y/N. You deserve so much better than him,” he lowered his voice and whispered, “You deserve to feel good. A man who can’t pleasure his woman is what’s actually pathetic.”

You had no idea what to say at that, your body going stiff at his insinuating words and the feeling of his thumb rubbing over your hand. 

He smiled tenderly at you, trying to soothe your worries. “I could show you what it feels like to be taken care of.” He leaned closer towards you now, and you felt yourself leaning as well. “Come sit over here,” he patted his lap.

You had no idea what you were thinking when you stood up from your seat and began walking towards him, but you felt him pulling you in. In these months of misery and heartbreak, Heeseung’s comforting presence was magnetic and you couldn’t stop yourself from getting close to him.

You stood in front of him, and he gently held your waist to pull you down to sit over his lap, legs scandalously spread in front of his pelvis. You felt yourself heat up even more, especially the in-between of our legs. You were wearing pyjama shorts and a baggy white shirt, no bra. Heeseung snaked his arms up your back and pushed you even closer so your chest was flush with his. 

You were flustered at the feeling of your tits pressed up against him, and your shorts dampening ever so slightly with your arousal. 

“I bet I could be a better kisser than him,” Heeseung whispered. 

Your faces were so close now that one slight push would have your lips pressed up against each other. “We…We can’t do this Heeseung,” you managed to say.

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” He cupped your face, “you’re going to break up with anyways.”

“No, that’s not it,” you bit your lip and reached up, grasping onto his shoulder, “It just feels…I don’t know if Hojung will be happy with me—”

He placed a finger over your mouth, “Shh, enough of that. She doesn’t matter right now, and you do. What is it that you want?”

You leaned into his palm, ever so hypnotised by his stare. You stayed silent, your mind thinking of all the ways this may hurt Hojung. What if she thought of you as betraying her? You’ve always had feelings for him, but what if you succumbed to your desires as just a means of using him to get over your heartbreak? You cared far too much about Heeseung to do that to him. What if he just wanted to use you? 

You were snapped out of your thoughts when Heeseung grabbed you tightly by the hips, making you rub your pelvis against his, not helping at all with your wave of arousal. You held back a whimper. “Tell me, gorgeous. What do you want?”

“I want you,” you finally pushed yourself against his lips. It didn’t take long for Heeseung to hold your head and push his tongue inside your mouth. The way he was using his tongue was making you hazy, not being able to suppress your noises any longer. It was rough and passionate. A fiery passion you weren’t used to. 

“Stay quiet, baby. Don’t want to wake anyone up, right?”

You nodded weakly, but you weren’t sure if you were going to be able to keep that promise. His tongue now latched onto your jaw and you clasped your lips together to hold back your whimper. Your squirming made Heeseung’s cock harden and stand up, and you began feeling sensitive to the feeling of his erection pressing up against you. 

It was almost involuntary the way you began grinding against his crotch, and you felt desperate. His lips were now on your neck and he grabbed a handful of your ass, steadily pushing you back and forth on his thighs. It made you see stars. 

It was embarrassing how you felt yourself nearing your orgasm just by this. You have been so sexually deprived and neglected it made you sensitive to real and passionate intimacy. It was in the feeling of your clit pressing against the fabric of your panties, and Heeseung’s hand inside your shirt playing and palming at your tits. Your nipples hardened at the pressure.

Fuck, you were going to cum practically untouched.

You quickened your pace, your hips beginning to tire as you started chasing the high.

“Are you going to cum, baby?” Heeseung whispered. You nodded meekly, not being able to speak a word. He gripped your hips, halting your movements. “Why don’t you take off your panties and ride my thigh? It will feel so much better.”

Although you were frustrated by having your pleasure taken away from you, you stood up on unbalanced legs in front of him once more. He put two fingers into the hem of your shorts and pulled you towards him. He leaned his head towards your leg and began placing kisses on your thigh as you felt your shorts slide down your legs and eventually pool on the floor.

“You’re fucking drenched,” you felt him place his fingers on the wet spot on your panties and whimpered at the feeling. “Have you ever been eaten out?”

You shook your head. Your boyfriend was the first sexual relationship you had, and he never seemed to be interested in making you feel pleasurable. You weren’t even sure if he knew how to.

“Bastard,” Heeseung murmured under his breath. He was utterly furious at how your boyfriend had practically been using you for his own pleasure like you were some object. He discarded your panties and pulled you back on his thigh.

Your clit came into contact with his thigh. He rocked you back and forth and your mind short-circuited at the friction of his jeans and your sensitive clit. You pressed your lips into his shoulders trying to muffle your moans, not trusting yourself to keep it in.

Heeseung was in bliss seeing you like this, desperate and beautiful and in utter pleasure. He felt his jeans get dampened from where your cunt was drooling on them. 

Because you were already so hot and stimulated, it didn’t take long for you to feel it. The feeling was almost foreign to you since it’s been so long since you’ve pleasured yourself. You were going to cum on his thigh. 

“I-I think…I’m close,” you whined.

“I know, baby,” he cupped the back of your head gently, “cum for me.”

You rolled your eyes back as you felt your orgasm wash over you. You felt it everywhere in your body. You wrapped your arms tightly around Heeseung’s torso, almost like you’d fly away if you weren’t anchored to him. He kept slowly pushing you on his thigh, gently helping you come down from your high.

“Thank you, Heeseung,” you said after you had time to calm down.

“Don’t thank me. Not yet,” he chuckled. You were confused until you felt yourself rise as he picked you up and began walking towards his bedroom.

He laid you gently on his bed and leaned down to press his lips on your forehead. You were prepared for him to fuck you some more, and as much as you were tired, a major part of you was excited at the thought of him wearing you out for the night. You were surprised when he stood back up and grabbed your phone out of his pocket. You had no idea how you got that.

“Open it,” he demanded. You did so, feeling upset at yourself for being so unquestioning and submissive. You couldn’t help yourself though as you had the utmost trust towards Heeseung. 

He went through your contacts and found the man he was looking for. His name on your phone was followed by a sparkly pink heart after it. It made him want to gag. He pressed the call button, surprised at how quickly the man picked up given how late it was into the night. “Babe?” came out of the other line.

He put it on speaker and handed you the phone. You were immensely afraid to take it, still hesitant about your ability to leave this dead relationship. “Tell him. Tell him now or I will,” he whispered spitefully. He wanted to watch you dump that pathetic excuse of a man before he let himself have you fully. 

He couldn’t give a fuck about how the other man felt about his girlfriend cheating on him, but he knew you needed to get this over with. He wanted you to forget your boyfriend and focus solely on him as he took you.

“Y/N, what do you want?” the voice on the phone came out harsh as he was getting annoyed at your silence, making Heeseung clench his fists. How dare he speak to you like that, he thought.

“H-Hi…I called because I wanted to tell you something,” you said gently. Heeseung was sure he did not deserve to hear your soft voice. 

“Okay? Well hurry the hell up, I want to sleep.” Heeseung felt himself holding back from becoming violent.

“I think…I don’t think I can keep doing this.”

“Do what? What are you talking about?”

“I…,” your eyes trailed towards Heeseung, looking for help. He held your hand to help comfort you, but he wasn’t about to break up with your boyfriend for you so he gave you a stern look to continue what you were saying. You decided to rip the bandaid and said, “I think we should break up.”

There was a silence on the other line until your boyfriend—now ex—began raising his voice and cursing at you, “You’re not fucking serious, Y/N. Is this seriously why you called me in the middle of the night? I mean, what the fuck?” You noticed Heeseung clench his jaw. “Go ahead, leave me. You’re just going to come crawling back when you can’t find someone who can put up with how boring you are. Honestly, you are suck a fucking bitch, too scared to—,” Heeseung grabbed the phone out of your hand.

There were tears welling up in your eyes, but you were trying your absolute best not to cry over this prick. You already embarrassed yourself enough. 

Heeseung knew he couldn’t yell in fear of waking up the others in the apartment, so he said as quietly as he could, “Listen here you fucking cunt. Speak to her like that again and I will rip your throat out with my bare hands, do you understand?”

“Who the fuck are you?” the man on the line spat, but you could hear the slight fear in his voice. Your ex has never been a particularly confident man around men who intimidated him. Heeseung’s strong presence was clearly making him feel inferior, even if it was through the phone.

“I said do you understand? Never call this number again. In fact, don’t step or look or breathe anywhere near her, asshole.”

“Are you fucking—,” Heeseung ended the call and blocked his number for good measure. 

Heeseung leaned down and pressed his forehead against your forehead, “How do you feel?”

Instead of responding you grabbed him by his shirt and pulled his lips on yours. You felt like your body would not function unless he was on you. You didn’t want Heeseung to think you were upset over leaving your boyfriend, because you weren’t. You couldn’t give a fuck about him anymore, but fuck were you embarrassed by your cowardly attitude.

You may have been too weak to take action against your now ex-boyfriend, but you mustered up all of your strength to show Heeseung how much you wanted him, and solely him. 

He grabbed your waist and pushed your back on the mattress. You were moaning into each other’s mouths. It was hot and desperate. He needed you just as much as you needed him.

“Fuck,” he groaned, one hand pinning your wrists above you, the other descending down to your waist and grinding into you. You moved your hips up to meet his, trying to satisfy your craving for getting him inside you. 

He kissed you one more time before trailing his mouth down your throat, eliciting louder moans out of you. “Please,” you begged. You moved your hands to try to take off his shirt, forgetting he had them restrained. 

Heeseung let go of your hands, but instead of undressing himself, he peeled off your white shirt, leaving your bare breasts on display for him. He couldn’t hold himself back from moaning, gripping one with his hands and wrapping his lips around the other. It was practically impossible to keep quiet at the feeling of his mouth flicking and sucking on your sensitive bud. 

You felt his fingers yet again, but this time on your bare cunt, making you flinch in sensitivity. “Heeseung…,” you said breathlessly.

“Baby, you’re drenched,” his eyes were like a predator before it was about to devour its prey. He moved down the bed, placing your legs over his shoulders, thighs resting comfortably on his shoulders. He began lapping at your hole, and it felt like this was all that he was made to do. He was meant to pleasure you and now that he has been given the chance, he won’t be able to live without the feeling of your arousal on his tongue.

He licked up all your juices and then moved up to begin sucking on your clit. You accidentally yelped, despite your desperate effort to stay quiet. Heeseung chuckled, and looked up at you, “Baby, I told you to stay quiet. Or would you rather I shove your face into the mattress and take you from behind?”

You clenched at the thought, not entirely sure if you would mind. It didn’t get past him how positively you reacted to his threat. “Next time,” he murmured before continuing the devouring of your cunt. 

Your hand was tightly pressed over your mouth as you felt yourself cum on his tongue, your body shaking as you began to take in the feeling of overstimulation. You don’t remember a time in your life when you’ve had more than one orgasm in a single night. Heeseung climbed up once more and placed a kiss on your lips, letting you taste yourself on his tongue.

“You taste incredible,” he groaned, making your face heat up in flames. You couldn’t believe he could say such intimate and coarse things so calmly. He began kissing your neck again, surely leaving a mark for tomorrow. That’s something your future self would have to worry about. 

He slid off his jeans and groaned as you reached down to cup his cock with your hand, mind going haywire at how massive it felt. You were nervous now to take it in your cunt, but he removed your hand and thrust himself inside you in one quick motion, wrapping your legs around his waist. 

You were both moaning now, your walls blaming around his cock from the pleasure, but partly due to your struggling of trying to take his size. You were still a bit too tight even with the two times he’s already made you cum. He let you slowly adjust to it before increasing his rhythm, pumping his cock more deeply and quickly.

His back was now littered with your scratches from clawing at him. He was pounding into you at a speed that was making it harder to form any thoughts. How could you, when you were having your guts rearranged by the man you’ve been in love with since you were a little girl? You felt his cock throbbing inside your walls, and you knew your climax was coming closer, as well as his.

“Fuck, I’m going to cum baby,” he breathed. He reached down and you felt his fingers playing with your clit, trying to get you to cum at the same time as you. Even if you tried your best to stay as quiet as possible, the sounds of the bed creaking were not going to fool anyone who was awake at this time. 

“Cum inside me, p-please,” you managed to say in between whines. He didn’t object, and you felt your insides become hot as his seed spread inside you, coating your walls. At the same time, you clamped around his cock as you came with him. You gripped tightly at his back, needing him as close to you as humanly possible. 

Heeseung stayed still as he waited for you to calm down, running his hands up and down your waist to help warm you and stop your shaking. He pressed his forehead against yours. It was just you and him in this world, breathing slowly to each other’s rhythm. 

He knew you were exhausted, so he wasn’t about to bring it up now so as to not overwhelm you, but you were his now. You were now forever belonging to him. There is only one thing that will let him live a fulfilling life and it’s to keep you in his life, happy and protected.

While you were sound asleep, you didn’t even notice your phone vibrating throughout your sound slumber.

LEE HOJUNG [09:27]: i’m guessing you’re still asleep but…seriously girl. i’m glad you’re moving on from that garbage bin of a human (please please please tell me u broke up with him) but did you seriously have to do it with my OWN BROTHER????

LEE HOJUNG [09:27]: i’ll kill him if he hurts you i hope you know that.

LEE HOJUNG [09:28]: are you guys together now or smth?

LEE HOJUNG [09:28]: he’s never allowed back here again don’t argue with me istfg

LEE HOJUNG [09:28]: UGH…YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING 🤮🤮 WAKE UP ALREADY SO I CAN BEAT YOUR ASSES 

KIM SUNOO [10:03]: Yeah…I’m not shocked in the slightest. 

[afterglowsainz]

fresh out the slammer | max verstappen

summary: after you broke up with your boyfriend, you join your friends for a night out in monaco and decide it's a good idea to invite max

warnings: fluff, mentions of breakups, drinking

word count: 1.8k

a/n: giggling and kicking my feet at the thought of a situationship with max

the tortured athletes department series

it’s been one month since you and your ex-boyfriend of one year broke up. you couldn’t say you were heartbroken because you really weren’t, like most men do at some points in their lives, he was disappointing you long before you broke up with him, so in a way, you mourn your relationship while you were still in it. now you just felt a bit lonelier than before, but you had definitely moved on.

on a saturday night, you had a few friends over to your monaco apartment for dinner and a very well deserved gossip session. you told them all about your breakup with your most recent boyfriend and how you were feeling almost too good.

“guys, what if we go out?” one of your best friends suggests. “a friend of mine is having a party at this club downtown and is supposed to be this very exclusive thing.” you thought about it for a few seconds after agreeing. it has been a while since you went out with your friends, especially in monaco where everything can happen. you got ready in less than ten minutes since you already were put together and joined your friends in the car on your way to the club. 

during the quick ride you check your instagram and saw that your friend max posted a story. you and max have had this weird relationship for years, were you’re both really close friends who’ve also liked each other forever, but none of you had actually made a move on each other (except for that one time, but you’ve never talked about it). you clicked on his profile picture and the story popped up, a picture of him and his friends playing fifa on his couch. you smiled and liked the photo, putting your phone away.

once you got to the club your friend led you all to the entrance and when she gave her name to the bouncer they let you all in. the place was completely packed, but she took you all to a place on the top that was a bit less full and looked more like that exclusive event your friend was talking about. soon enough, alcohol was running through your system and your body was moving along with the blasting music at the club when a thought almost made you stop on your tracks. you looked for your best friend all over the place and ran over to her when you saw her near the bar.

“hey.” you call out loudly over the music.

“hey.” she smiled at you. “having fun?” she asks and you nod.

“can i tell you this idea i just had?” she takes a sip from her drink and nods. “would it be a good idea if i invited max?” her eyes widen with surprise and gives you a knowing smile.

“max like max verstappen?” she asks. “like your max?” you nod again, this time more euphorically.

“yes, my max.” you took a sip of your drink and cleared your throat. “he’s in monaco, so why not? the worst that can happen is he says no.” you shrug, like the idea of him not wanting to see you didn’t kill you a bit inside.

“go for it!” she exclaims. “absolutely, yes, invite him over.”

you smiled and headed over to the balcony, relieved to feel the cold air of the monaco night hit your skin, cooling you down. you took out your phone and hover over max’s contact for a moment, wondering if you should text or call first. you decided to call since that would be much more immediate. you listen to the phone ringing for a few moments and when you thought it would send you to voicemail, you heard max’s familiar voice.

“hello.” he answers.

“heyyy.” you greet him with a smile that he couldn’t see.

“y/n.” he calls your name with happiness. “how are you?”

“i’m good, how are you?” you ask. “what are you up to?”

“oh, i’m good, yeah.” he says. “just hanging out with some friends. you?”

“i’m in monaco.” you say looking at the stars. “actually, i’m at this club, i was wondering if you wanted to come? you can bring your friends, my friends are here too.”

you waited for him to answer so long you thought the line had dropped.

“what club are you in?” you gave him the name and heard some loud voices in the background. “okay, we’ll be there in twenty.”

you smiled at the sky and bit your lip.

“okay.” you answered and finished the call.

when you got back inside you met your friends again and let them know that max was coming with his friends. twenty minutes later, you were still dancing in the middle of the place when someone tapped your shoulder with tenderness. when you turned around you saw those blue eyes that you loved staring back at you.

“hello, you.” you smiled at him and he returned it.

“long time no see.” he said, giving you a small kiss on the cheek. you felt yourself flustered and were grateful that the place was mostly dark with a few colored lights.

“you should’ve told me when you got here, i would’ve gone outside to get you.” you frowned, ignoring the blush on your face.

“i wanted it to be a surprise.” he defends himself. 

“it can’t be a surprise if i invited you.” you fought back and he placed his arm around your shoulders.

“you know what i mean.” he clicked his tongue, teasing you.

you spent the next hour dancing, drinking and talking with max. it was like the world around you had disappeared and it was only the two of you left in that club. when you took a quick break from dancing he got close to you and whispered in your ear.

“do you want to go outside?” he asks. you felt yourself blush again but nodded.

he was about to guide you to the balcony but you redirected him to the exit of the club. you stopped briefly to let your friend know that you were leaving with max for a moment so she wouldn’t worry and she just winked at you. you took his hand so you wouldn’t lose him while walking through all the people at the club and once you were outside you dropped his hand, even though you didn’t really wanted to, but the last thing you wanted was to make it uncomfortable for him.

“you wanna take a walk?” he asks while taking his jacket and putting it around your shoulders.

you nod and smile at him, grateful for his jacket. you both start walking along the streets, talking about nothing in particular until he makes the question you knew he wanted to ask all night.

“how’s it going with your boyfriend?” he doesn’t look at you while asking, no matter how much you wanted him to do so.

“we broke up.” you answer dryly.

“oh.” he finally looks at your face for any hint of sadness, but there is none. you’re not sad about it.

“how’s it going with your girlfriend?” you ask now, remembering the gorgeous redhead he was dating a few months ago.

it was on one of those few occasions both of you were in monaco at the same time. you were leaving from café de paris with your best friend and you crossed him at the entrance, next to him was one of the most beautiful girls you’ve ever seen, holding his hand. you remembered she introduced herself as his girlfriend and your heart skipped a beat at the word, even though you had no right to feel anything like that since you had a boyfriend yourself. you said your goodbyes and he did too and that was the last time you saw him.

“what was her name again?” you asked. “i can’t remember.”

“we broke up.” max ignored your last question, answering the first one you asked instead.

“oh.” you frowned, sad for him for whatever reason. maybe it was the alcohol in you bringing out all the emotions. “what happened?”

“it just didn’t work out.” he answers simply, giving you a reassuring smile.

“when did you break up?” you knew you were a bit out of line meddling into his relationship. especially when he didn’t ask you these types of questions about your own breakup, but you couldn’t help it.

“a few months ago.” he said, completely unfazed by your curiosity. “actually, it was the day you met her.”

“at the café de paris?” you questioned with surprise and he nodded. “why would you break up with your girlfriend there? it’s such a lovely place.”

he wanted to laugh at your remark, but bit his lip instead.

“i saw you.” he whispered and you felt like all the air was leaving your lungs.

“you broke up with your girlfriend because you saw me?” you ask incredulously and he nods again. “why would you do that?”

“why do you think, y/n?”

he holds your eyes for a few seconds until you turn your head and continue walking. you didn’t answer him and he didn’t say anything else, his words hanging in the air while you got wrapped into a comfortable silence. you were trying to process his train of thought while also processing yours. could his words have such an impact on you? did he feel about you the same way you’ve always felt about him? would he want to try something with you? with each question you asked in your head, you felt yourself leaning more and more into max until the back of your hands brushed each other while walking. he felt so familiar in so many ways.

before you could realize it, you were both outside of your apartment building. did you really walk this much?

“well.” he said, breaking the silence. “i guess this is where i leave you.” he pointed with his chin at the building.

you looked at him for a few seconds, your mind racing ten thousand miles per hour.

“you could stay.” you whisper.

max looked at you, a sparkle in his eyes you knew too well.

“you’re drunk.” he murmured, just like you had. you shook your head and got closer to him, touching the collar of his shirt gently.

“just as much as you.” you were so close you could see every speck of color in his eyes. “i think the walk here sober me up, anyway.” you joke, taking your eyes off of him, fearing that looking at him a second longer would make you do something unexpected.

“are you sure about this?” he took your face between his hands, forcing you to look at him. the beautiful blue of his eyes was now much darker and you fell a little bit more in love just by looking at them.

“of course i’m sure.” your voice low, only for him to hear. “i’ve always been.”

his eyes went from your eyes to your lips, and then back into your eyes.

“come inside.” you ask.

he smiles at you like he just won a championship, taking your hand and pulling you into the building.

[chimcess]

Waterlog || pjm (4)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader Other tags: Olympic Swimmer!Jimin, Ex Olympic Swimmer! Reader, Swim Coach!Reader Genre: Strangers to Friends to Lovers!AU, Coach!AU, Swimming!AU, HEAVY Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, fluff, eventual smut, I'm so soft for these two it's crazy. Word Count: 11.8k+ Synopsis: After a car accident ends her athletic career, Y/N has slowly started rebuilding her life again as a high school swim coach. That’s until she gets a request from an old friend and finds herself back in the spotlight as the new coach of Olympic swimmer, Park Jimin. Warnings: ANGST, crying, mental health issues, talking about mental health, I'm so soft for them it's actually wild, best boyfriend Jimin, did I say angst????, past drug use, past alcohol addiction, past trauma talk, crying, anxiety, hand holding, touching as a love language, Jimin can't keep his hands to himself, he does try his best though, pining, sexual tension, banter, I love these two A/N: I know we're a couple of weeks late updating, but I've been very busy with moving so I haven't had the energy to write. I did a very quick edit, so this might not be perfect. I'm planning on coming back once I'm in my new place to do a full proofread. Hope you like the update!

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Hand clutching my phone, I sighed. All around me the airport buzzed with life. I had almost forgotten how hectic the Denver Airport was. A few feet away I saw a mother struggling to keep her children together while her husband scrolled on his phone. I must have made some sort of noise, subconsciously voicing my annoyance, because Jimin laughed.

“What’s going on, gran?” He teased, voice light. “See a couple of youngins on your lawn?”

I scoffed, tearing my eyes away from the family. “Just a shitty husband ignoring his children.”

He hissed, sucking in air through his teeth, “The worst kind of dude. Are you alright?”

Softening, I finally spotted my luggage on the conveyor belt. Twisting my torso, I did a light stretch and then quickly snatched the heavy bag up. “Not too anxious, right?”

He had been very worried about letting me come home for a visit. When I had originally brought it up he offered himself up for the job, but I was not a fan of that idea. My friends would definitely bring up our date and I did not want to deal with the awkwardness that would cause. Especially since we had yet to go on it. That would not matter to Hoseok, however, and the teasing would have been endless. Better to spare Jimin from their wrath for just a little while longer.

“I’m cool,” I replied, softening. “Just got my stuff from baggage claim. I’m going to let you go so I can call Andy.”

“Okay bug. See you in a few days.”

Harper had recently started calling me that, forgetting my real name and not caring enough to ask for it. Eloise had tried to scold her for it, but I told her I did not mind it. It caught on with Cameron not too long after that, and soon the entire Park family had started using the little nickname. Jimin thought it was adorable from the beginning but had only started using it after our talk the other night.

I laughed, “I’m going to call you tonight.”

“Aw,” I knew he had that stupid smile on his face. “Miss me that much?”

“Someone needs to make sure you’re staying out of trouble,” I replied, a confident pep in my step I had not had in years. “But yes, I do miss you.”

There was a pregnant pause. 

“I miss you too.”

I could feel my heart melting. I was still getting used to our new dynamic. On most days we were strictly business, and were able to set aside the very large, very apparent elephant in the room. It was not until we had finished with work that those roles dropped, and we were able to just be us. 

Ever since my confession in the car Jimin spoke a hell of a lot more. Apparently, he had a hard time keeping his feelings to himself and chose to talk a little less in order to avoid a slip up. He wanted to give us both a little bit of time to get to know one another before springing his crush on me.

“Going soft, kid?” Playing things off with humor was Jimin’s thing, but it had slowly started to rub off on me. “It’s only two days.”

“I know,” He pouted. “Call your friend. It’s cold and you’ll get sick.”

“Hey,” I cut the teasing tone I had, “You’re not upset I came here by myself, right?”

“No,” He chuckled with an unmistakable fondness. “I’m just messin’ with you. I’m not ready to meet your friends and you need some alone time. We’re good, I promise.”

I sighed in relief, “Okay. Good. I’m going to go now. Talk to you later?”

“Call me when you can,” He replied, voice light.

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye, bug.”

I was disappointed to hear the line go dead but knew I could aimlessly walk around this airport all day if given the chance, so long as he was there with me. Trying to get my thoughts back on track, I sent a text to Andy asking if she was here yet. If not, I was already making plans to call Jimin back.

Andy: I’m parked in 5 near C Gates

Andy: Be careful

Andy: Saw a lady almost get hit by a car just now

Me: See you in a sec

Me: Should I be worried?

I knew she was trying to make a joke, but car accident punchlines never went over all that well with me. Even if I knew the chances of that happening to me were almost zero, I really did not want to have a panic attack in the airport parking lot. 

Andy: Not at all. I’m so sorry for even saying anything. I can come meet you at the doors if you want.

Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. Sigh of relief. I was fine. 

Me: I appreciate you

Me: Is babygirl here?

Dani would help the spike of anxiety dissipate. The girl was fearless and was sure to be distracting enough to keep me from paying attention to the oncoming traffic. I suddenly wished that Jimin was here. He always knew what to do.

Andy: Jin and I are weak

Andy: We let her play hooky

Bobbing and weaving through bodies, I tossed my phone into my purse and made my way out of the airport. The arrivals station was packed, and I would need to take the automated train to where Andrea was parked. It was my least favorite part about this airport, but it beat Dallas-Fort Worth by a landslide. I had gotten lost in that airport more times than I could count. 

Three minutes later I was getting out of the train and stepping into C Gates. I could smell Auntie Anne’s and felt my mouth begin to water. Checking my clock, I decided it would not hurt to make a quick spot for lunch. Andy would appreciate it and I knew Dani loved their pretzel dog. 

There was a little less traffic in C Gates. More of the expensive airlines let out here, and all you could see were business professionals pacing back and forth. A family on vacation bumped into me while I was waiting in line, and I almost gave up my spot when their toddler started screaming. 

“No, no,” His mother insisted, her hair a mess on the top of her head. “Between the girls and my mom, we’ll be here all day. Go ahead, sweetie.”

Two little girls danced around me as we waited, the line moving at a snail's pace due to the airport being understaffed. They asked me questions incessantly, and while their mother had tried her best to keep them in line, I told her I was fine with the extra attention. I loved kids and the girls were harmless. The boy in her arms kept repeating “pizza” and soon an elderly woman joined them. 

If the girls talked a lot, they had nothing on grandma. Not only did she never shut her mouth, she was loud and obnoxiously laughing every few seconds. The boy was quick to beg to be in her arms and mom got a break. She was back to attempting to corral the girls, but again they did not really listen. 

“They’re only like this when my mom’s around,” She sighed, frustrated and tired. “We’re meeting up with their father and they’re all a little restless.”

“It’s no bother,” I lied. The girls really were not that bad. Just a couple of four-year-olds having fun. The only person who was really getting on my nerves was her mother, but I was not about to say that. “Better to get it out now than in the car, right?”

She cracked a tired smile, “Right.”

Finally, it was my turn to order. The young girl behind the counter gave me an award-winning smile while another young blonde was in the back getting all of the orders out.

“Hi, welcome to Auntie Anne’s. How can I help you today?”

“Can I get one original pretzel, one cinnamon sugar pretzel, and a pretzel dog combo with a lemonade and cheese,” Glancing behind me, I sighed. “Throw in a pizza pretzel, two orders of pretzel nuggets, and whatever else the family behind me wants.”

She smiled, blue eyes twinkling prettily in the bright lights. Turning around I waved the mother over and told her to get something for her and her mother. She put up a small fight, but eventually gave in when she realized I had already put our orders together.

“Thank you so much,” I thought she might burst into tears when my card was approved. “You really didn’t need to do that.”

I shrugged, “It was nothing. Have a nice vacation.”

Walking to the pickup area, my order was already waiting for me. With nothing more than a simple wave, I left the dysfunctional family behind. The grandmother’s loud thank you seemed to echo off of the airport walls, but it was a little less grating now that I knew I would never hear it again. 

Andy threw herself at me when I finally made it outside, little Dani wrapping her arms around my legs with squeals of delight louder than her mother’s. Taking her pretzel, Andy gave me a fat, wet kiss on the cheek and told Dani she could eat in the car. 

“How’s gymnastics, girlie?” I asked the little girl once we were in the car. “Still kicking ass?”

“No,” She laughed. “I quit, like, forever ago. Appa put me in ballet classes.”

I gave Andy a look. The red head rolled her eyes, fixing me with a knowing look. I had been telling Jin to put her in dance for years.

“It’s been two weeks and she’s already trying to talk him into figure skating.”

“You’re a little hustler, huh?” I reached into the back, squeezing her knee. Dani giggled, angling her body away from mine. She was very ticklish. “Keep at it. You know your dad’s a sucker.”

Dani laughed, “My vovó says the same thing.”

We listened to Olivia Rodrigo on our way to the Kim house. Hoseok and Matilda had planned a huge coming back party for me, and from what it sounded like, I was going to meet Tilly’s new boyfriend. 

“Anything I need to know about Max?” I asked.

Andy was almost as in the dark about the guy as I was but was able to tell me he was a tattoo artist from California. The two of them met at Frank’s bookstore and by the end of their conversation Max had managed to get her out to dinner and in his bed. It was a whirlwind romance, one that made me feel uneasy about its foundation, but I was still obligated to be happy for my friend. They could be soulmates for all I knew, and I was not about to judge anybody else for their version of a first date.

“I don’t want to talk about tattoo guy anymore,” Andy whined playfully, turning up the radio when “Good 4 U” came on. “I need to know more about your little boyfriend.”

I groaned, “He’s not my boyfriend.”

This was why I was so adamant Jimin stayed away. We had yet to have a real talk about what we were, choosing to wait for our first date to iron out those details, but no one in my circle seemed to understand. All they heard was the word date and suddenly wedding bells started going off. 

“Stop deflecting. We both know he’s your boyfriend, official or not,” She laughed, stealing looks at her daughter in the rearview. “What’s he like?”

It was a hard question to answer. On the one hand, I felt like I knew him better than anybody else, but I was self aware enough to know I didn’t. His body language, the way he looked when he beat his best time, and all of his preferred gear were seared into my mind. The movies he liked, his favorite albums, and all of the best tv shows ever made. He went to college. He was the sweetest, kindest, most understanding person I had ever met, and yet… he still felt far away. The shadows that oftentimes clouded his vision were still a mystery to me, and when he came into practice with a lost look on his face, I felt helpless. I knew him and yet I didn’t.

“He’s quiet,” I finally landed on. “Very nice. Always willing to help other people out if he can. You’d like him.”

Andrea scoffed, “That’s it? The first guy you’ve dated in years and all you can tell me is I’d like him?”

“We’re still getting to know each other,” I sighed. “What do you want to know?”

We spent the rest of the car ride going over the last two months' worth of pining. I told her about Fiona, Jimin’s family, and all of my new friends. She almost pissed herself laughing when I told her about the night he asked me out, making so many Hoseok and Tilly jokes I had a difficult time focusing on the story. Andrea seemed to be finished with her interrogation when we pulled up at her house. 

Dani ran to the front door, her excitement about the party making any discomfort I had disappear. It was hard to feel uncomfortable with her around. Taking my hand in hers, the little girl shifted her weight from foot to foot, shouting at her mom to hurry up, and opening the front door anyway. Andy told her to calm down, and I just chuckled and went along with it.

The living room was filled with all of my favorite people, a large ‘welcome home’ sign hanging on the large, backwall. Underneath it was a huge table covered in food, a cake in the middle of it, and I had a feeling Sarah made it. Both her and Frank were the first people to notice me, their faces lighting up, and I let go of Dani’s hand in favor of embracing the elderly couple. The rest of the party comers erupted their voices loud and filled with love as they took turns passing me around. 

“Missed you, Otter,” Hoseok murmured in the crook of my neck, hands secured around my waist.

“Missed you more,” I replied, releasing him and catching Tilly. “Jeez, girl. Trying to kill me?”

“Come meet Max,” She replied, dragging me away from Hoseok.

Max was a tall, lanky guy with black hair that fell down his back. His clothes were on the baggier side, all black, and I recognized the band on his t-shirt from the shit Matilda liked to listen to in the car. He smiled at me, and I was surprised to see him rocking adult braces. He introduced himself, his voice deep and warm, and shook my hand. They were baby soft and covered in tattoos. 

“It’s great to see you,” I replied, genuinely meaning it. If I had to picture a guy more perfect for Tilly, I would come up empty handed. “Thanks for coming.”

He flushed, impossibly pale skin turning a bright shade of red reminding me of Jimin. 

“Anything for Mattie,” He replied.

Huh, he had his own nickname for her and everything. I would need to hang out with Max more before I could say if I liked him or not, but so far, I had a good feeling. Andrea’s worries seemed a bit silly now. They really liked each other, and Tilly’s heartbreaking, dimpled smile made me feel more confident in her partner. They would be just fine. 

The party was fun, and I ate more spinach and artichoke dip than was healthy. Hoseok and I talked about my afterschool visit tomorrow. The boys had a swim meet Saturday and the two of us were hoping we could tag team in order to iron out any issues they had been having. I was being placed in charge of the freshmen while Hoseok made sure the other kids were feeling confident and ready for the meet.

"Let's party!" Frank boomed, lifting a beer into the air.

I laughed, "Be careful, old timer. Don't want you to hurt yourself."

I thought of Jimin again. That sounded like something he would say. Surrounded by the people I loved, I laughed hard and partied harder. The plates of food came one right after the other, and I was happy that I still had a place here. Falling back into my step, I fit seamlessly back into the fold.

"Dance with me," Hoseok demanded, tipsy and red-faced.

"It's your toes," I replied, taking his head and letting him take the lead.

The other couples were already dancing and hooped and hollered as I awkwardly followed the steps. I was not always a bad dancer but lost some of my rhythm in the accident. Hoseok never minded and let me step on his feet without a single complaint.

"You look happy," He commented, spinning me around.

I smiled, "I am."

He smiled back, wincing when I stomped down on his toes again. I apologized, but he just held my hand a little tighter and kept moving. I hummed along to the song, filled with joy. He spun me again, and finally let me go when I slammed into Jin.

"Go get some cake or something," He laughed. "You're too dangerous to be out here."

I rolled my eyes, "I tried to tell you. It's your fault you don't listen."

"Don't need you anyway. I have enough swag for the both of us."

I watched, thoroughly amused from the sidelines, as he moon-walked around the living room.

I left just before midnight after staying behind to help Andy and Jin clean up. The others left a few hours before to get back to Denver at a decent time. My house looked the same as always, dark and empty, but I could tell the landscapers had been around. The grass was recently cut and edged.

The silence inside was deafening. I had always known my place was too big for one person, but after spending so much time in my little she-shed at the Andersons’ house, everything here just felt excessive. Tossing my keys in the bowl beside the door, I wiped my eyes and decided to just head to bed. I would only be here for three days. I would be back in Saline before I knew it.

Dragging my body upstairs, this sudden depression-filled fatigue made my shoulders feel ten times heavier. A chilling, almost insidious, hollowness began to spread across my body. I knew this feeling all too well and it made me feel pathetic. Could I not be on my own anymore? Had I really grown that attached to my life in Michigan? Finally getting into my bedroom, I realized that I had.

Saline was perfect. Living in Colorado Springs has always bothered me. The people here held more traditional values and making friends was difficult. I had Andy and Jin, but they were both very busy people. Andrea was a full-time nurse, Jin’s schedule was somehow even more erratic than his wife’s, and when they were off, they wanted to spend time with Dani. I was lucky if I saw them once every two weeks. 

Hoseok, Tilly, and Minho all lived in Denver, and while I saw them more often due to the meetings with Frank and Sarah dragging me into the city, it was not like we hung out every time I was out there. Days would go by with me speaking at all, and most of my weekends were spent in bed sleeping. Working at the school helped, but I would never claim anyone from the swim team to be a friend. I was not in the habit of befriending children.

Living in Saline was different. Jimin was always there to make me laugh, and when he wasn’t, I had people like Taehyung and Sam to keep me company. Giselle was young, but we got along so well I often forgot about the difference in age between the two of us. Megan and Yoongi were Michigan’s own version of Andy and Jin, and I could see myself becoming good friends with them given enough time. No one had kids, no one was too busy trying to keep up with crazy expenses, and I could find a little house away from the rest of the world to spend my life in.

I thought of the Parks, a family who I had come to love more than I thought was possible, and the Andersons who took me in and always tried to make me feel comfortable. Eloise and her kindness. Luna and Cameron. All of them. I loved and adored every single one of them, and it was then that I finally let myself really think about what I wanted.

Did I want to come back here after I was finished with the season? Did I really want this massive house if it meant I had no one to share it with? No, I decided. Stripping out of my clothes, the numbness was being replaced with a different strange feeling. It felt suspiciously like hope. Excitement came to me so rarely it was foreign and odd, but nice all the same. Jittery, I took my phone out of my pants pocket.

“Hello?” Jimin’s voice was scratchy when he finally picked up.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “Did I wake you up?”

“Yes, but it’s okay,” I could hear him shuffling around in his bed. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah,” I breathed, climbing into bed. Then, without thinking, I blurted, “I think I want to move to Michigan.”

I held my breath as I waited for his response. There was no telling how this conversation would go, but I was hopeful. Even if this whole date thing did not go very well, I was positive that we would be able to move past it with a little bit of time. We worked well together and if he was comfortable with it then we could continue working together. Regardless, there was always coaching at a school.

“Like, permanently?”

I nodded but after a moment of silence remembered he could not see me.

“Yeah.”

My stomach started to churn. As the silence on the other end began to stretch, the excitement I felt before faded. Even if I said Jimin and I could get past a potentially awkward break up of sorts, I would not pretend that the thought did not make me physically ill. We would never be the same if that happened. It would be something to think about if it came to pass before the Olympics was over.

“Did something happen?” He finally asked, and I could hear the genuine worry in his tone. “Are you okay?”

The fear shifted to hurt, irritation, and anger, making my eyebrows knit together.

“I’m fine,” I could not keep the bite from my voice. It was petty and wrong of me, but his insinuation that I was not in my right mind was insulting. It made me feel like a child. “Just- forget I said anything. I don’t know what I’m even talking about.”

“Don’t do that,” His steady calmness made me even angrier. “I’m only asking you because it came out of the blue, not because I’m not happy with the idea.”

Now I just felt silly. Here I was making these small revelations, waking him up from his sleep, and then getting snippy because he did not respond the way I had wanted him to. Ugh, I wasn’t even his girlfriend yet and I’m acting like Darcy. A shiver went down my spine. That was an insult above all others.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, the attitude from a few seconds before gone as quickly as it came. “I got defensive for no reason. Sorry.”

He chuckled, the sound barely audible over the phone.

“I forgive you. Now, why do you want to pack your life up for good?”

That made me laugh. It was a sad, pitiful sound. One that did not hold my usual spunk. One I don’t think Jimin had ever heard before. It was impossible to feel sad when he was around.

“I forgot how quiet my house is,” I admitted softly. “I love my friends, but I think coming back just reminded me of how easily I was able to fall back into the routine of it all. Jin and Andy are parents, Tilly has a new boyfriend, and Hoseok and Minho are always so busy with their own lives that I don’t see any of them as often as I would like to.”

Turning on my side, I blinked back a few tears.

“It might sound stupid, but I really do love Saline. I like how busy I am and all of my friends. I bought this place with the hopes of kids and a dog one day, but I don’t think that’ll ever happen, and now it’s just rooms collecting dust. I just-” I let a tear fall, my emotions starting to bubble over. “I don’t like how lonely it feels out here.”

“Doesn’t sound like you like it there. Have you always felt like this?” He asked.

I shook my head, the tears free falling in between sniffles and shaky breaths.

“Not always. Ever since Namjoon died things have been weird. There was a point when I felt suffocated because no one would leave me alone, and then one day everything resumed, and I just got left behind. It was like I woke up and two years just passed me by.”

Jimin comforted me while I cried, telling me how much he hated to hear me so upset, while I worked on calming down. There had been a time in my life when I was not so emotional, but therapy had opened up a whole new side of myself I didn't know existed. Rubbing my face, I sniffled and sank deeper into my mattress. For now, the waterworks had stopped.

“You were recovering,” He soothed. “Your body needed time to heal, and you were traumatized. I don’t think anyone can blame you for zoning out for a bit.”

I hummed, “I know. Doesn’t make it easier to swallow.”

“I know how you feel. When I pulled out of the Olympics last time there was a part of me that felt like a huge failure, but my dad was there to help get my head back on straight. He doesn’t seem like it, but he’s a really great shoulder to cry on.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” My voice was like sandpaper. “James is the sweetest person I’ve ever met.”

I felt heavy. Worn. Used. My eyes begged for me to shut them, but we were just getting back into safer waters, and I didn’t want to burst the bubble. I yawned, covering my mouth and hoping Jimin could not hear the sound. He had gone quiet.

“Can I ask you something?” Jimin’s voice broke through the comfortable silence that had formed around us. “You don’t have to say anything.”

“Shoot,” I forced myself to smile.

“What happened to Namjoon?”

I closed my eyes. This was something I knew would come up sooner or later. My lip wobbled uncontrollably as the second wave of tears crashed over me. I hated talking about this, but I knew it was going to come up sooner or later. Jimin deserved the truth, and honestly, I wanted to tell him. Being vulnerable with someone felt good. Being vulnerable with Jimin was divine. He was always so ready and willing to go along with things, listening and watching my every move, and trying his best to understand me. It was refreshing. It was nice. It was familiar.

“Was he in the accident with you?” He asked and his voice was so, so gentle. 

“Yeah,” I croaked, finally finding my voice. “I went out with some of my friends and got pretty drunk. I was tired and ready to go home, but my ride didn’t want to go home yet. So, I called Joon.”

I sucked in a deep, loud breath. Jimin told me I could stop, that I didn’t owe him anything, but I ignored him. This wasn’t about owing him. This was about letting the guy I liked get to know me. This story was a part of who I was, as fucked up as that may sound, and I wanted him to get to know this facet of my life as deeply as he knew the present day one. 

“Anyway,” I continued. “He offered to come and pick me up. Twenty minutes later I’m getting into his car and we’re on our way home. We’d just gotten engaged and bought our first house together- things were perfect. I had never been happier.

“We ended up taking the long way home because of an accident on the interstate. It was my idea, and Namjoon had a knack for going along with whatever I wanted. We were only two minutes away from the house when we got hit.”

I took a few deep breaths and wiped my face. Jimin was quiet on the other end. After a minute or two, I jumped back into the story.

“There was a four-way intersection around the corner from our place. Our light was green when we drove up. I don't think he thought to check if there was another car coming. He never even saw the truck. He, uh, died on impact.”

“Jesus,” Jimin breathed.

“The other guy was drunk as hell behind the wheel. Not paying attention. Funny thing is, he was the only person who didn’t get critically injured. Just a broken arm and a concussion. He wrapped our car around a light pole. My leg was pinned between the car and the light, and the airbag is what caused the brain injury.”

Jimin cursed under his breath, “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry that happened to you.”

“Yeah,” I gritted out. “Me too.”

He let me cry for a little while, saying over and over again how sorry he was and how he wished he was in Colorado with me. I did not have anything to say to him. It felt like my chest had been ripped open and my heart was on full display. 

I never questioned how quickly we went from barely talking, to joking around, to sitting up late at night on the phone talking about life. It just happened. Clutching my phone in my hand, I let out a deep breath and held back any more tears from falling. I never said it, but I wished he was here, too.

“Hey,” His voice was gentle when he spoke, so fragile and sweet, that I had to force down the sobs threatening to come out. “I just want to say I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. You wanting to move here is probably the best thing I’ve heard all fucking year, but I just didn’t want to sway your decision.”

Sniffling, I tried to tell him I wasn’t upset, but he shut me down almost immediately.

“Let me finish,” His voice did not leave room for argument. “I know I don’t act like I’m insecure, but I am. I can be selfish and self-centered, and I’ve always had to really work on those parts of myself.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with anything,” I mumbled, curling into a ball beneath my blankets. 

“Like I said, I can be a very selfish person,” He sighed. “There was this part of my brain just wanting to hear you say you were coming here and staying with me for forever. I didn’t want that to take over the narrative. And- no offense, but if you did move all the way out here just to date me, I think I’d be a little creeped out honestly.”

I snorted. Hearing that he felt the need to explain any of that to me felt like a small win, even if it did make an alarm go off in my head. It took courage to be that open and honest with another person, especially someone who just cried their eyes out. His compassion and understanding never failed to amaze me, and I was grateful he trusted me enough to let me into his mind for once. Still, it did not make the creep comment any less funny.

“Don’t laugh,” He whined, unable to stop himself from chuckling. “I’m being serious.”

“So do you want me to be a creepy stalker or not?” I joked, hoping to lighten up the mood. “Make up your mind, kid.”

“I think I just want you to be yourself,” I melted. “That’s been working out just fine so far. I mean, if you are a creepy stalker, you managed to get me to like you.”

“Mission accomplished,” I breathed, still reeling from his sweet words. “You better watch out, 007. There’s a new spy in town.”

“So, I’m Bond and you’re Joe Goldburg?”

“Exactly,” My cheeks hurt from how much I was smiling. “Penn Badgley would be a decent James Bond. He was really great in Margin Call.”

I bit my lip, trying to suppress my smile.

“Holy shit, you actually watched it?”

Margin Call was one of Jimin's favorite movies from 2011. He kept a very large notebook filled with all of the movies he’s ever seen, along with ratings, and if he should ever watch them again. He went through it one day and came across the action film, rewatched it, and then spent most of the day talking my ear off about how great it is. 

“Someone I know was very passionate about it, and it managed to pique my curiosity.”

Jimin sighed, but I could not tell what emotion was behind it. Definitely was not anger or frustration. Not sadness either. 

 “What time are you getting back on Sunday?” He asked, and I could definitely hear the affectionate tone his voice had taken on.

“Um,” I thought about it for a moment. “Six, I think.”

“PM?” 

“Yeah,” I curled up under my blankets. It was beginning to get really cold inside, but I did not want to get up to turn the heat on. “I have to double check my flight times, but I know it’s somewhere around there. Why? What’s up?”

“I know we already made plans for next week, but I was thinking I could pick you up from the airport and we could go out.”

My face grew hot, “I don’t think I’ll be dressed for a date.”

“You always look great,” He assured me.

I laughed, nervous and embarrassed, “Thanks.”

We had originally planned our first date to be the weekend after I got back. Jimin was adamant about giving me an experience, and I had been more than happy to indulge him a little. He was just so cute when he got excited. We were running on a limited timeline right now, though, since he had an upcoming swimming fundraiser with Swim Across America in Allendale. The team was raising money for cancer research, and I was very excited to be there to show my support.

Moving the date up meant we would have less to do next weekend, unless Jimin still wanted to keep our plans in place, but it meant we could focus on the fundraiser instead of trying to juggle a date at the same time. 

“I hate to go, but I’m really tired,” Jimin yawned. Pulling my phone away from my ear I was startled by how late it was. “I’ll text you in the morning, okay?”

I apologized for keeping him up so late. “Promise I won’t do it again.”

He hummed, already beginning to fall asleep, “Don’t mind. You’re always welcome to bother me in the middle of the night.”

“Night Jimin,” I whispered, blood pumping.

“Night bug.”

There was one thing I missed about Colorado- how quickly the snow melted. Michigan was seeing more snow as each day went by, but here in the mountains they would not start seeing the worst of it until the spring. For the first time in a month, I was able to forgo my large, puffy jacket in favor of a long sleeve and jeans. Jimin found my excitement over this endearing, sending a slew of heart-eye emojis in response to the mirror photo I sent him.

It was almost the end of the day when I pulled into the high school parking lot. The entire front office erupted in excitement when I walked through the front doors, hugs and well wishes overwhelming me. Sandra, the receptionist, could have talked all day if I let her, and after signing in, I politely told them all I needed to meet up with Coach Jung. I lied about stopping by on my way out and only felt a little bad about it. They were way too much for me.

“They’re going to be so excited to see you,” Hoseok mumbled, a smile stretching across his face as loud teenage boys got closer and closer to the pool house. 

“I’m happy to see them, too,” I replied. “Should we wait until they change to make the grand reveal?”

He shook his head. “Would you rather hug now or when they’re in speedos.”

I shivered, disgusted by the mental image.

“Thanks for putting that in my head, you sick fuck.”

Choking on his spit, Hoseok bent over, laughing so hard he started to screech. His laughter reminded me of a ghost's wail and was contagious. We were both so wrapped up in our little bubble we did not notice the doors opening.

“Coach?”

Wiping my cheeks, I caught my breath and made eye contact with Jordan. Baby blue eyes widened while a large, dimple smile overtook his face. Behind him, Gabriel announced that I was here, and the room was filled with excitement. I was not much of a hugger, but I was happy to greet each boy with one. Gabriel hadn’t stopped speaking since catching sight of me and had a few accidental slip ups about how much he disliked Coach Jung.

Hoseok had alluded to that being their main issue right now. The boys were having a hard time adjusting to a new face and missed me dearly. To his credit, Hoseok admitted that he was still getting used to the coaching thing and made a couple mistakes his first few days here. He had made it a point to apologize to them for being a dick, but the teens hadn’t forgotten or forgiven him for his snappy attitude. Especially the two oldest.

“When are you coming back?” Marcus asked. 

I smiled sadly, “I’ll be out for the rest of the year.” The tall boy deflated, sending a nasty look Hoseok’s way. “But,” I was quick to fix my mistake, “I’m planning on making trips to assist Coach Jung throughout the year. I wanted to be here for your last meet, but something came up.”

That something had been Jimin’s birthday, and I was not going to risk missing his party.

Regardless, Marcus and the team were very happy to hear they would be seeing me. 

“I promise I’ll be here for graduation, too,” I added.

Gabriel offered to give me one of his tickets and I gratefully accepted the extended offer. We stood there and talked for at least fifteen minutes before I finally told them to get changed and into the water. Without protest, all twelve of them went to the locker room.

“You know,” Hoseok chuckled. “You're going to have to teach me how you manage to do that.”

“Cinnamon buns from Mountain Shadows,” I put on my whistle and grabbed my clipboard from my duffel bag. “They’ll be eating out of your hand in no time.”

The team was glowing. Jordan stood in the middle of the boys, a large smile on his face, as he praised them for giving the meet their best effort. Having another win under their belt, all of them were buzzing with excitement at a chance at nationals. They only needed to win three more competitions to qualify. 

For the first time since I arrived, the icy contempt they held for Hoseok seemed to thaw. It brought a smile to my face. If I did not come back next year, I had a feeling the boys would be getting along much better. 

“What’s for dinner?” Marcus asked, looking at me for an answer.

“Coach said something about burgers,” I replied, gesturing towards Hoseok. “You should ask him though. I could be wrong.”

Gabriel chimed in, “Yeah, we’re going to Bingo.”

My mouth watered. Bingo Burger was one of the best spots in town. Their fries were hot and crispy, and I loved their shakes. Mulling over my options for dinner, I always found myself stuck between the Gone Shroomin’ Burger and the Happy Hippie. For a vegan burger, that thing was really fucking good. Then again, a thick, juicy beef patty smothered in bacon, cheese, and mushrooms would hit the spot. Indecisive and bored, I fiddled around with my phone and somehow ended up texting Jimin.

Me: Gone Shroomin’ or Happy Hippie?

The noise on the bus was just in the background now and easy to tune out. Hoseok was laughing loudly with the freshmen while the two seniors were in a quiet conversation in the seat in front of me. Marcus and his girlfriend broke up recently. I stopped paying attention once my phone vibrated.

Jimin: No idea what that means

Jimin: Gone Shroomin I guess

I bit my lip, suppressing a smile.

Me: We’re going for celebration burgers

Me: The boys won and Hobi is treating them since we’re out in Pueblo and not getting back to the Springs until after dinner.

Jimin: Speaking of food… I was thinking we could get some BBQ on Sunday

“Y/N!” Hoseok called, making me look up from my phone. “Tell your boyfriend you’ll call him later.”

“We need you to be the tiebreaker,” Twig chirped.

“What for?” I sighed, glancing down at my screen.

Jimin: Have you been to Union Rec yet? It’s BBQ and a taqueria

Me: No but I’m always down for a burrito

“Do mermaids have gills?” Twig asked.

Fully pulled out of my phone, I flipped it around and gave the boys my undivided attention. 

“Of course not. They’re mammals, so it would be a blowhole.”

Hoseok clapped his hands, “Thank you! That’s exactly what I said.”

Sliding further down in the booth, I closed my eyes and drowned them out again. Colorado’s air was so dry and crisp I was having to get used to the altitude change. I missed how wet and cold Michigan was. Smiling to myself, I remembered how much I hated it when I first landed. So much has changed…

Shuffling, I made myself more comfortable. We were only thirty minutes out from the Springs now, and we would be at Bingos right on time for Hoseok’s reservations. Feeling myself growing tired, I sunk even further into the booth. Eyes heavy, I let them slip closed, and slept for the rest of the bus ride.

Standing in front of my bathroom mirror, I smoothed down my skirt for the millionth time. The gray sweater I had thrown on seemed too casual now that I was looking at myself, but I did not know what else to do. It was a laundry day, but when I went to put my clothes in the dryer it refused to turn on. Violet said they needed a new one anyway, but that did little to improve my mood. The pretty red dress I wanted to wear was soaking wet and hanging from the shower rod to dry. I played with the skin on my lip, willing the black and gray outfit to somehow look nicer. On the other side of the phone, Andy sighed.

“You look fine,” She insisted, running her hand through her auburn hair. “Do a cute hairstyle and put on a nice pair of earrings, and you’ll be golden.”

“You don’t think it’s too plain?” I had asked her this five times now, and each time I got that same reply. “I mean, do I look like I’m going to a funeral?”

“The guy has seen you in sweats and no makeup and still wanted to take you out. Do you honestly think he cares about the color of your outfit?”

She had a point. Finally deciding to cave in and give up on my obsession, I took her advice to do something with my hair. A few of the strands were beginning to look silver, and my sideburns were looking paler every day, but after Hoseok told me he was starting to see a few grays, I decided to leave them be. If we were both going to be silver foxes, I liked the idea of doing it together.

“Are you wearing heels?”

“No,” I shook my head. I picked my phone up and went to my bedroom to find a pair of earrings. “It’s too icy. Silver or gold?”

She thought about it for a second, her face scrunched up cutely. 

“Silver.”

I landed on some thick, gun-metal hoops. They matched the color of the sweater perfectly and did not take away from my face too much. I had spent too much time on looking this nice to have an accessory dominate. Andy was happy with my choice.

I had gotten back a little earlier than I originally thought I would, and asked Jimin if it was okay that I meant him at the restaurant out here instead of making him drive all the way to Detroit to pick me up. He had put up a bit of a fight about it but relented when I said I was hoping we could hang out at his house after dinner. I said I wanted to get myself home, but I was really trying to see how bad the drive was from his place to mine. The thought of spending more time in his space made me feel like a teenage girl.

“How’s ballet going?” I slipped on a pair of black tights. It was freezing outside, and I wanted to have as many layers on as possible. “Has Dani made any progress in getting her figure skating career started?”

Andrea laughed but said that her daughter was getting closer to her goal every day. Jin was weak and did anything the little girl wanted if he could. This was the only issue they were both bull-headed about. Jin wanted to teach her to be responsible and follow through on things, and Dani was tired of preparing for figure skating. She wanted to be on the ice and her dad was afraid of pushing her too far too young. I was most definitely a team Dani instigator, and it was a point of contention between Seokjin and I.

“What did you think of Max?”

I smiled. That boy was definitely a character. The gang and I had a nice dinner before I left Colorado, and Tilly brought along Mr. Tattoo guy. He was quiet and when he did talk, he always had something completely random and out of the blue to say. He fascinated me and when everyone started huddling in their own groups to chat, I turned most of my attention to the new guy. 

He was a sweetheart, and it was a nice change of pace getting to know him. He hated being called Peter (his first name), went to college for nuclear engineering, and became a tattoo artist on a whim. A buddy of his wanted a new piece, paid Max to draw it, and trusted the guy with a tattoo gun. He was an apprentice in San Francisco for three years before moving to Denver to open up his own shop. For all of his eccentricity, he was very successful and down to Earth.

“He’s good for her,” I finally replied, zipping up my Doc Martens, I checked the time. I would have to leave soon. “I’m just happy there’s no drama between her and Hobi.”

It had been a year since they officially broke up, but I knew they fell into bed with one another a handful of times since then. Hoseok and I had talked about their weird relationship on one too many drunken nights, the swimmer the only person able I liked enough to force a glass of whiskey down. Tilly knew that I knew and would vent to me sometimes. They loved each other, knew one another better than anybody else, and it was easy to fall back into each other since we were in the same circle.

 I doubted Andy knew anything about that, we tried our best to keep her out of the loop, but she always said that they still had lingering feelings. I hoped Hoseok was handling this news well. He seemed fine, happy even, so I just rolled with it. If he had a problem, I was sure I would have heard about it by now.

“Speaking of Hoseok,” The humorous tone in Andy’s voice caught my full attention. “Apparently, Jin saw him at The Rabbit Hole with some blonde girl before you got into town. He just remembered to tell me last night.”

This was news to me. Wracking my brain, I tried to figure out if he had brought up a date, or even a person he might be interested in, but nothing came up. Shrugging, I let it go. It was probably just some girl he picked up at the bar. Still, that would be an expensive date.

“He hasn’t told me anything about that,” I murmured.

“Might be why he’s not bothered by new boyfriend.”

I laughed, “Or it could be that they’ve moved on.”

“Oh, please,” She pulled a face, eyes rolling to the back of her head. “We all know that’s not true. At least, not until recently.”

“Regardless,” I sighed, grabbing my purse and walking out of the front door. “It’s none of our business. If they’re happy that’s all that matters.”

Andy raspberried, “Boo. I hate it when you’re all mature and adult-like.”

“And right,” I joked. “Don’t forget about that part.”

Locking up my little house, I made my way through the Anderson’s. Violet was watching the Golden Girls on the couch while Calvin was reading a book beside her. It was a sweet scene that made me smile. I wanted what they had. 

I gave them a smile and wave as I passed by. Violet returned it in full, her eyes kind and gentle, before going back to her show. Calvin put his book down and asked what time I was planning on coming back. He wanted to keep an eye out for my car.

“Around midnight,” I replied, moving my phone away from my mouth. Andrea was rambling about the new doctor on staff. I trusted her disdain enough to know he was a huge dick. “See you two tomorrow.”

“Be safe out there,” He replied, going back to his copy of The Catcher and the Rye.

Andy and I were on the phone for the entire car ride into Ann Arbor. I enjoyed hearing her voice, the small distraction welcome when I felt my anxiety spike. Thankfully it was a Sunday night, and the streets were somewhat empty.

Once I got into the downtown area, I drowned out her voice completely. Andrea never minded. She just kept talking like I hadn’t stepped out of whatever conversation we were just having. Never got mad when I kept asking her to repeat herself either. She was a wonderful friend to me, and I was grateful to have her in my life. If I moved to Saline, she would be the person I missed the most.

I still hadn’t talked to anyone else about the possibility of moving. I was not sure how they would react, and I needed to have my mind made up before giving any of them the news. While I knew Andy and Jin would be supportive, and Tilly and Minho wouldn’t really care all that much (it just gave them an excuse to vacation in Michigan), it was Hoseok I was most on the fence about.

With him it could go either way. He would either be really happy and supportive or call me crazy. It came from a place of love, and I respected his opinion more than any of the others, so I had to be completely sure of myself before getting into something like that with him. If he thought for a second I was rushing into things he would go into overprotective, big brother mode and kill all of my excitement. He might even be able to change my mind if he fought hard enough. 

Pulling up to the restaurant, I was impressed by the sheer size of it. One half looked like an old warehouse while the other half was a small, white bricked building. A red neon sign glowed in the night and a large party was hanging out outside of the building. I could see Jimin in their little group and smiled. He was a very popular man in this area and was able to make new friends wherever he went. If I had to guess, he knew someone and is now best friends with all of them.

“Hey, I just got to the restaurant. I’m going to let you go.”

“Okay, baby,” Andy replied. “Have fun. Talk to you later.”

“Text you when I get home,” I replied. 

Andy was as hypervigilant about getting texts as I was. She was on staff at the hospital when Namjoon and I first arrived. I can’t remember anything from that night after getting in Joon’s car, but when Jin and I spoke about it he said Andy was one of the nurses having to help triage me. She had to be physically pulled away from my body once the doctors found out about our connection, but the image of my body that night is burned into her mind. She was the person who took care of me the most upon release and quit her job at the hospital for a little while in order to make sure I was well taken care of. Calls and texts were just our thing now and I always felt horrible for being part of such a traumatic event for her.

“Love you,” She said.

“Love you too,” I replied, hanging up.

Getting out of my car, I locked the doors and made my way over to Jimin. He caught sight of me before I reached the small group and broke out into a huge, heart stopping smile. Unable to stop myself, I smiled back and waved awkwardly. He said something to the group before meeting me halfway. 

“Hey, you,” He said, wrapping his arms around me. “You look really pretty.”

I laughed nervously, squeezing his waist. “Thanks. I tried my best.”

Pulling away, I was able to admire him a bit better. He was wearing light jeans tonight, a rarity as he preferred sweatpants and slacks, and a black t-shirt. A leather jacket was a staple in his wardrobe, and he always said they kept him warm enough. I never believed him. As always, everything was a tight fit and showed off his body perfectly. 

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” I said once my appraisal was finished. “Nice boots. Where’d you get them?”

He looked down at the black, Chelsea boots and shrugged, “Nordstrom, I think. Taehyung got them for me a few Christmases ago.”

Of course he did.

“Let’s go inside. I’m cold.”

Jimin laughed, “My apologies, ma’am.”

The restaurant was packed, but Jimin had arrived thirty minutes early to get us on their waitlist, so I only had to wait five minutes for our table to be ready. Jimin brushed off the gesture as first date etiquette, but I knew better. The kid was late to everything and yet he got here early so I wouldn’t have to stand outside in the cold. It almost made me reach out and hold his hand, but my nerves got the best of me. We were at our table before I could gather up some courage, leaving a disappointed, bitter taste in my mouth.

“I’m feeling Disco Fries as an app. You?”

Searching the menu for them, I nodded. “That sounds really good.”

We were quiet for a few minutes as we decided on what we wanted. The menu here was rather large, filled with Mexican foods and copious BBQ items. Having never been here before I had no clue what was good and what hasn’t, but from how many people were here I had to assume nothing was bad.

“Know what you want?” Jimin asked, breaking the silence.

I shook my head, “No idea. What about you?”

“I get the same thing every time I come,” He laughed. “The Korean BBQ Burger is really fucking good. I also like the enchiladas.”

Finding both items, my mouth watered. Everything sounded amazing, but I wanted to get a little out of my comfort zone. I just had burgers yesterday, so I was not feeling that. Maybe BBQ? Looking at the options, I shook my head. I could not eat a half pound of anything. Biting the dry skin on my lips, my brain felt like it was working on overdrive. Too many options.

“Welcome to Union Rec,” I jumped a little, startled. “I’m Annie and I’ll be your server tonight.”

My eyes locked with a pair of baby blues, and I immediately recognized her. She was the brunette from the bar a couple of months ago. Eyes sliding from me, she landed on Jimin and the bored expression on her face morphed into one of pure bliss. I did not understand why she had given me that nasty look back then, but it was much clearer to me now. She had a thing for Jimin. Remembering she had a boyfriend, one she screamed at over the phone, it made me feel nauseous. Poor Tom.

“Oh my gosh, Christian. What are you doing here?” She asked, sneaking a look at me.

“Got a hot date,” He replied cheekily, gesturing his hand my way. “You remember Y/N, right?”

She gave me one of those tight-lipped, fake smiles. I returned the favor. I was not really jealous per say, Jimin’s declaration making any possibility of that disappear, but I did not appreciate anyone trying to make me feel small. I was a gold medalist. I was a fucking Olympian. Whoever the hell this chick thought she was, I would make sure she never thought for a second she got under my skin. 

“Yeah, we met at Brecon’s,” Annie replied, completely ignoring me. “Thought she was your coach.”

Jimin either did not catch the insult or he was choosing to ignore it. His smile was still just as pleasant as it was when we first sat down. I envied his ability to keep his emotions so controlled. I knew I must have been glaring at the poor girl.

“She is,” He shrugged. “Doesn’t mean she’s not my girlfriend. Are you taking our order or…?”

Annie spluttered for a second before regaining her composure. All affection in her eyes was gone and replaced by irritation. It was definitely directed at me, but Jimin’s dismissal must have stung. I was happy to be rid of her. Putting in our order for Disco fries, Jimin got a Sprite and Annie left before I could ask for a drink. Sipping on my complimentary water, I forced myself to breathe in and out. She was just a petty, annoyed girl with a crush. That was all. So, what if she was being rude? I was fine. Everything was fine. After the fifth sip, I actually believed it.

Trying to keep my tongue in check, I went back to looking through the menu. Finally able to make a choice, I decided on the birria beef ramen and closed the menu. Hopefully little miss Annie wouldn’t spit in it. Hot again, I took another long sip of water.

“Excuse me.”

Jimin flagged down another waiter, a pleasant smile on his face. Confused, I put down the glass and raised an eyebrow. He winked at me before laying the charm on thick. 

“Hey Marty. Would you mind if we got a different server?”

The young girl nodded frantically, “Of course. Is everything okay?”

Jimin smiled, eyes like crescents. “Everything is fine. Just Annie on her bullshit. Don’t want to get her fired by talking to your dad.”

Marty rolled her eyes, “Figures. I’ll tell her I’m taking care of you guys. Just don’t expect me to be running around for you, man. I have an entire section by myself.”

“I want privacy anyway,” Jimin replied, smirking at me. “Thanks. I’ll tip you well.”

She laughed, “Just make sure you put it in my hand. That bitch has been stealing tips. Cosette is trying to convince pops to fire her, but you know how he is about the girl.”

Jimin shook his head, “I already know. Can you get my girl a drink? Annie ran off without taking her order.”

Marty looked at me, her deadpan stare making me burst into laughter. Apparently, it wasn’t just me. That helped. 

“Sorry about her. She’s a massive bitch. What can I get you?”

I smiled, my mood a million times better, “Iced tea, please.”

“You got it, babe. You ready to order?”

Marty took our orders and promised to be back with my drink soon. 

“How do you two know each other?” I asked Jimin, finishing off my water.

“We were in the same class back in high school. Her mom owns that flower shop on Michigan Avenue.”

That was surprising. I was positive the girl was no older than eighteen. She reminded me of a porcelain doll, her chubby cheek and big eyes adding something angelic to her overall look. Then again, Jimin did not look all that old either. It was easy to forget he just turned 24. The age gap was really messing with my brain.

Annie was back with Jimin’s drink a few minutes later. She said nothing when she practically slammed his cup on the table before stalking off. It was then that I knew who she reminded me of. Darcy. I wondered if they were friends. Definitely had the same attitude problem, that was for sure.

“Ignore her,” Jimin told me once she was out of earshot. “I’ve been doing it since middle school.”

The rest of our dinner went back without a hitch. With Annie out of the way, and Marty’s small and infrequent check-in’s, we were able to be in a bubble of sorts. He asked about my trip back home and filled me in on what happened over the weekend. He had finally told his parents about our date and said that his mom thought it was a great idea. James called me perfect a few times, too. I had a hard time believing it, but Jimin had never lied to me before. It was nice to know the people around him accepted me even if I was a few years older.

“My mom’s 9 years older than my dad,” He revealed in between bites of food.

Shocked, I stopped eating all together. I had no idea they were that different in age. Ne-Yeon looked so youthful and pretty it was hard to guess just how old she actually was. Even fighting cancer, that woman did not look a day over 40. James was also in great shape for his age. To hear they had their own age gap made me feel a little bit better. 

“Wait,” Something else occurred to me. “Your mom was in her forties when she had you?”

Jimin nodded, “45. She had Haru at 48.”

It made sense to me now. To Jimin, our age gap was nothing special. It was smaller than his parents’, and having an older mother did not bother him at all. In his eyes, we had all of the time in the world for marriage and kids. A small weight came off of my shoulders. It really did not mean anything to him. He was not just saying that to make me feel better either. 

“Do you want dessert?” He asked, his plate empty in front of him. 

I was almost done with my bowl, “What do they have?”

He squinted his eyes, thinking.

“I know they have this horchata banana pudding. It’s literally the best dessert I’ve ever had in my life. There are a few other things, but I can’t remember what they are.”

I chuckled, “Then we’ll have the banana pudding.”

Jimin was not exaggerating either. The pudding was delicious. I almost wished we had each gotten our own serving, but after seeing the bill we were happy we hadn’t. Jimin paid this time. We had a back-and-forth deal when it came to meals. I got us breakfast last Wednesday, so he was picking up this bill. This was, unfortunately, much higher than Denny’s.

“I’ll put gas in your truck,” I offered on our way out. “To make up for the difference from Denny’s.”

He scoffed, “Don’t worry about it.”

“But-”

“We’re together now,” He interrupted me. “If I want to pay for a meal, then I will. You don’t have to pay me back.”

“We’ve always done that,” I argued.

“That was before,” He countered, walking me to my car door and opening it. “This is now. And right now, I’m trying to take a pretty girl, in a pretty dress, on a nice date. That includes paying for her meal.”

Getting into my seat, I pointed out that I let him do the gentleman thing all of the time. Opening my door for me, pulling chairs out at restaurants, and even walking on the curbside when we were out together. The list was endless. The least I could do was pay for half of a meal.

“I don’t do those things to get on your good side,” Jimin replied. “I do them because I want to. This isn’t transactional. So, stop worrying about being a burden. I enjoy taking care of you. You deserve to be taken care of.”

I could not think of a good enough comeback, so I just decided to drop it. If he wanted to pay for me then he could. It was his money to spend. 

“Send me your address.”

“You still want to come over?” He seemed surprised.

“Yeah,” I nodded, already pulling up the GPS. “What is it?”

He sounded like Charlie when he won the golden ticket as he gave me his address. 

“Don’t get too excited now,” I joked. “Just because I’m coming over doesn’t mean anything.”

Jimin laughed, “I pretend I don’t even know what sex is until after date three, so don’t worry about it.”

That made me laugh, “Get in your truck. I’ll meet you there.”

Looking back at him, I felt giddy. His eyes were so alight, his joy written so clearly across his face it took my breath away. A happy Jimin was the only kind I wanted to see. Blowing caution to the wind, I finally reached out. Touching his stomach, I felt the muscles clench beneath my fingers.

“Thank you,” I said earnestly.

“What for?” He rasped, placing one hand over mine, pressing my hand further into his skin. 

“For-” I broke off, taking my hand away. The feeling of him underneath me was too much. “For being so accommodating. I really appreciate it.”

He laughed, the sound strained and airy. I was too embarrassed by my actions to look at his face, but I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my eyes. Unlike me, Jimin was always brave. Hopefully some of that confidence would rub off on me. Maybe then I could reach out and hold him whenever I wanted to. 

“You’re welcome,” He replied, and my thighs clenched together at how rough he sounded. Did touching him do that? Or was it the praise? It could be both. “Drive safe, okay? You can follow me if that helps.”

I nodded, swallowing. The icy air outside did nothing to put out the blistering heat coursing between us right now. It was overwhelming how hot it was. Turning up my A/C, I pointed the vent directly at my face.

“See you in a few minutes,” I breathed, still unable to look at him.

Jimin closed my door, and I leaned back in my seat breathing heavily. I watched him as he rounded the front of my car, those pants sticking to his legs like a second skin and groaned. I had never felt this level of desire for anyone before. 

He reminded me so much of Namjoon. His beautiful brain and love for music and poetry so reminiscent it managed to bring me back to happier times. In the beginning I was afraid my attraction to him stemmed from that link. Because he reminded me of something I had loved so dearly that meant what I was beginning to feel was just a projection.

I was wrong. So unbelievably wrong. Jimin had a passion that Joon could never replicate. If Joon was a warm blanket, then Jimin was like the tide in the sea. On the surface it was calm, steady, and beautiful. Underneath that was life like nothing I had ever seen before. He was refreshing and filled with this fire for life that reminded me of my own from years ago.

Namjoon was perfect, a boy-next-door, and soft spoken. Back then I had enough of that passion for the both of us. Now I saw more and more parallels between us than ever before. I was uncertain, waiting for someone else to bring excitement back into my life, too afraid to reach out and take what I wanted anymore.

And then Jimin was there with that big smile willing to take me on whatever adventure I desired. All I had to do was ask. It was exhilarating, fun, and I was happy to be a part of the ride. His softness, his kindness, his understanding- all of it wrapped up in a pretty red bow. A gift that kept on giving.

I did not love Jimin, but I knew then that I could. With his sharp tongue and charisma, it was impossible not to. Everyone else did. Who was I to think I could be any different? I was a slave to his happiness. It was in that moment, sitting in my car, that I finally understood what was happening.

I was falling in love and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Taglist: @ownthesunshine @screamertannie @lovelytaes-blog @pernesianparapio @tae-with-some-suga @sumzysworld @chimmisbae

© chimcess, 2024. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[themonotonysyndrome]

Ě̸̡̞̱̘̹̮̫͚̯͍͕̟̪͂̀̋̉̾͛̂̑̅͜͝c̴̢̺̟̣̠̤̽͋͒̄̄͂̆̿͗̑̊̒̒̕ḧ̷͇͍͉͉̺͈͙́̀͆̀̒̒̅̒͒̔̽ó̶͔̜̓͛̓̂̔̆͌́͆̉͂͘͝͠es of regrets

So! I saw this post from @rivyx (if you like, I can untag you. Just wanna give credit where credit is due):

And I thought:

"Man. It's been a while since I broke my own heart. Oh! Angst between Geordi and Cutie? How about I make Geordi regret for making Cutie believe that they need to multiate and hide the magical part of themselves and even the Empowered world because he doesn't understand a Telepath's needs?"

Hence. This oneshot. Shout out to @moonandstarlightsposts for helping me come up with the title!

(Yes. Yes. I know. Cutie was canonically at fault, too. I just wanna focus on Geordi regretting his actions for a change.)

-

Summary: Second chances come and go. But for Geordi and Cutie, perhaps they should have let it go by.

First comes the awkwardness. 

It’s to be expected. A break was decided - no, needed - for the both of them after… well. No point in digging up bad memories. The two of them were heading down a dangerous spiral, and Geordi could no longer ignore the red flags. He’d been through too much to drown in toxicity and abuse again. Whether his partner realised it or not. And that’s the part that crushed his heart. A heart that Geordi painstakingly put back together with liquid gold and long nights of tearful frustrations. He told them about Ben. He told them how his ex callously disregarded his boundaries. And Cutie just - 

Therapy was something they agreed to during their break. Geordi needed to address old trauma that re-open like wounds and Cutie - 

‘I… I hope this isn’t me coming across as presumptuous, but one of my coworkers is a really good therapist. I think you’ll like him! His name is Cam - ’

‘I still have my old therapist’s number. Um. Thanks, though.’

‘O-Oh! Right. Of course. I should’ve thought of that. I just… never mind.’

That was the last text that Cutie sent. Even after they moved out of his apartment, the two continued to exchange careful messages with one another, awkwardly making sure not to step on each other’s landmines. However, as days gone by, the texts became more and more superficial: ’Morning. Have you eaten?’. ‘Just cereal. Thanks for checking up on me.’ ‘The weather forecast mentioned a thunderstorm. Don’t forget an umbrella, ok?’. When Cutie brought the subject of therapists to the table - 

The texts stopped after that. 

Geordi had no idea how lonely his existence truly was without Ben and Cutie. The two-bedroom apartment became too big. He cooked too much for a single person. His left side felt too exposed whenever his coworkers dragged him out for drinks and karaoke. It hurts. He has a habit of rubbing his left arm nowadays. 

His therapist is a kind woman, the kind that has laugh lines all over her face. Older than him, more at ease with her place in the world, unlike Geordi. She never judges him whenever he finds the courage to unravel before her. Ugly, jagged broken pieces for a heart. Gold and bitter tears for the next few months. 

Soon, a year passes. 

Something settled within Geordi then. New foundations were built. The world is a little less lonely now that he has opened up to his coworkers, reached out to some cousins on phones and slowly put himself out there again. He had fallen in love with building LEGOs recently. A hobby that happily kept him occupied while a slow, reverb version of Evil by Melanie Martinez plays in the background of the living room. 

It took a while, but he finally reached a point and mental headspace to put Cutie back into the equation. 

His therapist's words constantly echo in his head, grounding him whenever his fingertips run on the rim of their favourite mug, red with little ladybugs on the ceramic. Witty, funny, confident, mischievous and kind - Cutie’s best would always outshine their worst in Geordi’s eyes. Perhaps that’s why he subconsciously ignores the raising red flags the more and more they tested his boundaries. Anyway, being with Cutie brought out the best of Geordi in return, which he never even knew existed. He loved them, plain and simple. He loves learning about them and their world every day of the week. He was so happy and content whenever they were in his arms. Growing old together was something he thought about when they drove back home from his folks’. Cutie was fast asleep, with their head gently resting against the window of the car. That moment was magical in its own way. 

Geordi misses them. His incredible, one-of-a-kind partner. 

He thinks about them more often than not nowadays, wondering how therapy is going for them. Had they fallen in love with any new hobbies? Did Cutie make any new friends outside of the Department? If so, he wonders what they’re like. 

Thoughts turn to yearning. Yearning turns to Geordi, picking up his phone and texting Cutie first for once.

‘Hey. Good morning. How are you?’

The two of them never used to be awkward when they were a couple. Feeling hopeful, Geordi puts aside his phone as he continues about his day. Fixing himself a hearty lunch using a recipe that he can’t wait to share with Cutie and goes about doing the laundry afterwards. It’s only after his evening shower that a notification lights up on his phone screen. 

‘Hey. I’m alright. You?’

Superficial. That’s OK, though. Geordi is not giving up. 

The two resume texting every day soon enough as if the distance weren’t ever there. It makes him happy to be updated with every little thing that is going on in Cutie’s life. He spams GIFs and emojis at every picture they share and they, in return, slowly start to send over recorded audio of their little laughter and quips. It makes him miss them all the more. Enough to replay those audios over and over again whenever he can’t sleep at night. During those nights, his phone would always be on the right side of the bed.

Texting eventually evolves to calling when Geordi wakes up from a rather bad nightmare. Something so vague that it slipped from the recess of his conscious as he panted for air. Without even thinking about it, he presses on a familiar number. His call is answered almost immediately. 

“Geordi? Why are you awake around this hour?”

Relief floods into his very being. They once fondly tease him that, no, their voice isn’t magic. Unlike Vampires and their special eyes, Telepaths specialised in minds instead. It’s his love that makes their voice special and it’s love that dispels the lingering nightmare. 

“Geordi?” Cutie’s voice is hesitant at the end of the line. “Is everything ok? Do you have someone nearby that you can call for help?” 

“No! No, no. I’m fine.” Comes his quick assurance. The shirt that he brought to sleep is drenched in sweat. His hair is matted to his forehead. He feels gross, and yet he doesn’t want to put Cutie on loudspeaker while he cleans himself up. “I just… really miss you. So much.” 

Cutie’s reply is a whisper, “I-I miss you too. Can I ask if that’s the reason why you called me?” 

“Yeah… had a nightmare; can’t remember what it was about. What I do remember is how you used to bring me to the kitchen, and you’d make warm chocolate milk for the both of us to help. You’d then talked me through it, helped me calm me down. Did I ever thank you for that? Thank you, by the way.” 

“You’re welcome. I like taking care of you. And, uh, you did thank me. Always.” 

Geordi lets out a ragged sigh. Those happy moments were just what he needed. “Did I wake you up? I didn’t mean to.” 

“Nah, you’re good. I was doing some leftover documents for an assignment.” 

Cutie never used to stay up past midnight. They like to sleep early whenever they can due to how mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing their job as an intel extraction officer can be. Cutie often rants about how the Department inefficiently run things, especially when it comes to bureaucracy. Perhaps this is one of their new habits? Speaking of which - 

“How’s work treating you? Did you get that promotion?” 

“Work’s alright. Are you feeling better now?” 

Well, his heart was no longer racing, that’s for sure. But he still wants to hear their voice even through the static. “Like magic. You’re always the perfect cure for everything.” He waits for Cutie to laugh in that out-of-breath sort whenever he compliments them. Light and carefree.

Instead, they hum. 

“Glad to hear it. Are you going to try and go back to sleep?” 

“Only when you are, Cutie.” Geordi tries to flirt and perhaps coax them to rest for the evening. 

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll go to bed in a bit. Um. If that’s all - ”

Perhaps it’s because the nightmare that he can no longer recall had something to do with Cutie. Perhaps it’s because he hasn’t heard their voice properly in so, so long. Whatever it is, it gave Geordi a burst of courage. He quickly asks before Cutie can hang up, “Wait, wait! Can I see you, Cutie? I just want to talk. Please?” He swallowed thickly. “I think we’re ready to discuss about… us.” 

A thoughtful silence from Cutie. 

“I’d like that. Where do you want to meet up?” 

Geordi’s night becomes much sweeter after that. They talk and plan until his eyes grow heavy and Cutie’s documents are filed away. They even put him on loudspeaker and brought him to the bathroom so they could continue talking while they showered. God, the sounds of running water alone fill him with wants and images. He can’t stop picturing himself in that shower with them. So you can’t blame how incredibly giddy Geordi is when he finally sees Cutie walk up to the cafe the next day. They offered him a small smile as they made themselves comfortable across the table. Healthy and rocking a new fashion style when Geordi is busy absorbing every little detail about them. He could honestly stare at them like a work of art in the Louvre. 

“So I’m here…” Cutie says rather unnecessarily. They scratch their cheek nervously. “You wanted to talk?” 

He snaps out of a daze. Shit, he got distracted by his thoughts! For a split second, Geordi can’t help but wonder if they heard his inner ramblings. Judging by Cutie’s guarded expression, he lets out a sigh of relief. It sets his heart at ease to learn about this new side of Cutie. “Yeah. Thanks for agreeing to meet up with me. You look… god, Cutie. You look amazing.” 

“Thanks! You’re not too bad on the eye yourself.” Cutie’s smile is wider now. “We’ve practically caught up to speed with each other lives for a while now. So, this is it. Whatever you decide, I’ll respect it this time. I promise.” 

That assurance dissolves any doubts that Geordi might have harboured. He’s more sure about his next few words than ever before. “I still want us to be together, Cutie. That never changed. Even when we were on a break, I had no one else. I love you, even when you broke my heart. Do you… do you still feel the same?” 

Cutie reaches out to hold his hand, which is gripping a fork so tightly. He didn’t even realise it. The moment when skin meets skin, a familiar warmth spread across his arm. It’s like sunshine thawing out the chills in his bone marrow. He lets go of the fork in favour of holding their hand and squeezes it. “My feelings haven’t changed too. I love you so damn much, Geordi. I know I said it before, but I’m so sorry for hurting you. Words alone aren’t enough to promise you that I won’t do it again, but I’ll make sure my actions make up for it. From now on, you’ll lead where this relationship is going. I’ll follow” Steely determination glimmers behind Cutie’s eyes. God, they look so hot! Would his therapist finally judge him if he asked Cutie to drag him to the bathroom for a quickie? It’s been too long since they’re in him. 

“Geordi? Are you ok? You look flush.” Some of that hesitation creeps back into Cutie. Dimming that spark of fire. He panics when their hand tugs back. 

“Yeah! Sorry. My head’s a bit of a mess.” He begins to explain. Here, he lowered his voice; his eyes lidded. “Maybe you can make sense of it? You might like what you find, Cutie…” 

“Oh!” For some reason, Cutie looks positively alarmed. A deer in a headlight. He had never seen that kind of look on their face before. Their sudden reaction threw Geordi off guard. Any lustful thoughts are completely replaced with concern now. “Maybe later. So, uh, where do we go from here? I can’t move back in just yet due to my apartment lease. Or do you want things to stay as they are right now for a little while longer?” 

Continue this distance between them? Geordi doesn’t think he’s that strong of a man.

“Feel free to move in any time you can. My place is your home. You know that.” 

That gorgeous smile slowly returns. This is Cutie at their best. After that day, things begin falling into place without a hitch. Cutie is back in his life. They bring their clothes and toiletries over when their lease is up - 

“You kept my mug?” 

“Of course I did, silly. Why would I throw it out?” 

“Right… right. Sorry.” 

“Cutie? Is something wrong?” 

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Say, that recipe you bookmarked earlier, why don’t you let me take a crack at it? I’ll handle dinner tonight!” 

- their routines fall into one once more, and Geordi couldn’t be happier. His world is no longer filled with silence and bitterness.

Second comes the realisation. 

Geordi has been riding high on cloud nine ever since Cutie settled back into his apartment, into his life. Waking up to their sleeping face feels like a dream that he never wants to end. Their giggling when he rouses them with kisses is a bonus. He loves greeting the morning sun with a partner who is happy and satiated from the night before. And if Cutie is in the mood to play? Well! He’s more than happy to ruin the sheets for the third time in the span of six hours. 

And don’t even get him started on domestic bliss. 

Since Cutie’s work hours are a lot more flexible than Geordi’s, he’s forever grateful that they always have a pot of hot coffee ready for him on the table and a sweet kiss before he dashes out for the day. If he returns before traffic picks up in the evening, the couple would either go out for a dinner date or stay at home and binge-watch a new series while they eat in the living room. They alternate in cooking and cleaning depending on their schedule, but Cutie seems to have a habit of doing both whenever they can. The coworkers that he invited over for DnD sessions would whistle and nudge him on the shoulder when they looked around the spotless apartment, praising him for scoring the perfect partner after Cutie left them with a tray of snacks and drinks. Internally, Geordi preens. 

When the weekends roll around, and it’s just the two of them lazying together in their sweats and old t-shirts, Geordi and Cutie would spend time together by combining their new hobbies. Geordi would lose himself in another LEGO building project while Cutie reads a novel on their phone on the couch. His favourite playlists play on and on, wrapping the couple in a peaceful cocoon. 

That is until - 

Geordi blinks, back in the present, when he suddenly hears the sliding door of the balcony softly shut. He sees Cutie outside talking on the phone, their back against him. He watches them moving their free hand animatedly for a few seconds longer before focusing back on the tower that he had been building. When the sliding door shuts again, he absentmindedly asks, “Hey, Cutie? What are you in the mood for lunch? Do you want to go to that Chinese restaurant down the street or…” His words trail off the moment he notices the frustrated lines on his partner's forehead. Their eyes were exhausted all of a sudden. Before he could say anything, his partner flashed an apologetic smile. 

“Work called. Something came up. I need to step out in a bit, but I should have some time to make lunch - ”

Geordi stops them right there and then. He doesn’t want them to get more stressed out, especially when an emergency - he assumed - just happened. “No, no. Don’t sweat it. How about you go get ready while I make us lunch? I’d rather you have something in your stomach before you leave.” He replies, already up on his feet. 

Deer in a headlight on Cutie. Again. What’s going on? “I can do it. It’s your rest day after all - ”

“Nu-uh. You just get your pretty ass in the shower, alright? I’ll have your favourites ready as soon as you step out of our bedroom door again.” Geordi assures them, but in reality? He’s so confused. They never so stressed out about cooking before. Seriously, what’s going on? 

Cutie eventually nods. They kiss him on the cheek and make a beeline for the bathroom while Geordi takes out a wok and spatula. Their strange behaviour remains in his mind as he makes spicy stir-fry noodles. Now that he thinks about it, they’ve been going along with everything he likes nowadays. Cooking his favourite meals, making sure the laundry is clean and folded, helping him with the LEGOs, hanging out with his friends and letting him initiate intimacy and sex every time. They laugh when he tells jokes, as cheesy as they are. Apart from their clothes and toiletries, they haven’t brought back their Digimon plushies, or any of their physical books on the shelves. They hate horror movies, but when he absentmindedly suggests they watch Saint Maud, they agree without any hesitation. 

It’s like they’re a satellite, faithfully orbiting Geordi’s every need and want. Why… why did he never notice that before? And when was the last time they went out to Cutie’s favourite restaurant again? When was the last time they did what Cutie wanted for a change? 

Ah. Geordi remembers now. It was before they went on a break. 

Something’s wrong with Cutie. Shit! Why didn’t he notice it before!? Was he truly caught up in his own world that he utterly neglected his partner’s? 

The noodles are hot and plated, ready on the table, but Geordi feels so cold and empty. Guilt was heavy in his stomach. His grin is stiff when Cutie finally emerges wearing their standard work fit. Even in black slacks and a white collared shirt, Cutie looks like a model ready for the runway. They tuck into their meal, but Geordi doesn’t have much appetite for it. So many thoughts clash with one another in his head like angry hornets. He doesn’t even know where to start or what to ask. At times like this, Cutie would slip into his mind and act as his anchor. But ever since they got back together again - 

“What time would you be coming home?” Is what comes out from Geordi’s lips, frustrated with himself. 

Cutie stops washing their dishes to turn around. “If all goes well? In the evening. Probably before midnight, so you don’t have to wait up or put aside dinner for me. I can just grab something when I leave the office.” 

And that’s another thing that Geordi just now realised. They don’t talk about work as much as they did before. When asked, sure, Cutie would always answer him, but it was never more than a, “Oh, my cases? Some old, same old.”, “These documents are pretty boring, actually. Something for the higher-ups to keep in their record.”, “The therapist I mentioned before? Oh, you mean Cam? He’s still working on the floor above mine.” Lukewarm. Tepid. Those are the kinds of replies that Cutie would often give him before the conversation seamlessly shifts to another topic. 

Not once have they performed magic around him. In fact, ever since they got back together again, Cutie’s voice is constantly absent in his mind. 

Suddenly, Geordi feels sick. He forces himself to put on a brave face, a mask that tells his partner that everything is alright, because their eyebrows begin to furrow in hesitation. 

And now he knows why. 

“Call me when you leave?” Geordi tries not to plead. His voice didn’t crack, that good. The last thing he wants is to get the love of his life in trouble with their superiors. They never did tell him if they received that promotion or not. 

It’s a bittersweet victory when Cutie smiles again. “Sure! Have fun with your project, baby.” 

They exchange a long kiss; he wonders if they find it weird that Geordi is reluctant to pull their lips away from him. He weeps and weeps into his hands when they leave the apartment. What has he done? Oh god, Cutie… he didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to drive them into cutting a part of themselves in order to make him happy. He didn’t mean to be so blinded when they made themselves smaller and smaller if that’s what they thought would make him happy. Would let them stay in his life. 

He didn’t mean to hurt Cutie. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen! He thought that - he had hoped they got better, not - why couldn’t they just talk - has he become Ben? 

Mrs Potato Head plays on and on while Geordi struggles to breathe. 

Finally, in comes the heartbreak. 

Geordi didn’t even wait for Cutie to come back. The moment he regained control of himself, he ran out with his phone and wallet. His eyes are rimmed-red, just like the setting sun behind him. He knows which streets are veiled against people like him; he just hopes he can ask for help from any Empowered folks who might be entering the Department. He has to fix this. He desperately needs to talk to Cutie. He needs them to know that he loves every part of them, that he loves the magical world as much as they do. 

However, when he cuts through the park, he freezes. 

Sitting on a bench a little further from the playground is his partner, crying in the arms of a stranger. Cracks begin to form in Geordi’s heart. He’s too far away to hear what they’re saying, but judging from how the stranger does the talking and Cutie sighs and sniffles, it clued him in pretty quickly that they’re talking through him via telepathy. The stranger smiles sadly and offers them a handkerchief. His body language is serene, but the expression on his beautiful face is tight and worried. Is he a coworker? Another lover? Geordi doesn’t know what to believe anymore. Stricken, he watches them pat the stranger’s hand and gathers up their things. Leaving him on the bench as Cutie makes their way out of the park. 

It’s at that moment that Geordi’s phone rings. He answers the call without a word. 

“Hey, baby. Just left the office.” Cutie’s voice is hoarse. They clear their throat. This time, they sound more like themselves again - fake and bright. “Turns out one of the interns needed a stand-in instructor for tomorrow’s fieldwork. Since I’m on the way home, do you want me to grab anything?” 

Geordi watches them wait at the same bus stop from which he just got off. “Why haven’t you talked to me through my head?” 

“…Geordi, I’m out right now. Can we maybe talk about this at home?” 

“OK. Why have you stopped ironing your work clothes with your hands?” 

“I-I like using your new iron instead. What’s going on, Geordi? Did I do something wrong? Look, tell me how I can fix it, please? I don’t… I don’t know what I did wrong…” 

Is this how it will always be when they’re together? Hurting each other whether they mean to or not? Acts of love turning into subservience? 

The weaker side of him can’t help but wonder if it was a mistake for him and Cutie to get back together again if it means new sorrows and new regrets will always sour their relationship. 

[salmonvanillur]

realistically, how does diavolos birthday celebration work

both he and satan were born the day a family member died, with satan being lilith and diavolo being his mother who died in childbirth.

the difference with satan however is how lilith and her death was a private affair, due to the only people who knew about her existence in the devildom were the demon king, diavolo, and barbatos, with the rest of the general population, including other nobles, being unaware of her existence in the first place. it is shown or at least implied that satan was designated their sibling by the demon king and with the brothers not leaving the castle for the entire first year of residence, everyone who is not those three people believe that the siblings have always been the seven brothers.

however, even if I disregard all of what I just said, the fact is that to the denizens, the brothers are simply are "fallen angels” meaning even if the denizens had known of satan's birthday, they wouldn't have given any of the brothers such a special celebration like they do in recent years due to the discrimination they faced for having been former angels.

diavolo however is the prince and it has been shown in his birthday events (specifically the 2022 event) that he has an enormous celebration each year, organized by barbatos which is joined by all of the denizens. a celebration that he must attend as his royal duty.

satan had the opportunity to mourn the person he never got to meet. the brothers are doing better now and he doesn't seem to think about it at all, but diavolo? if I recall correctly, he has said that he believes his father holds him responsible for his mothers passing, yet every year they throw a celebration for his birth.

how many years did it take for them to switch from mourning the queens death and replacing the silent and respectful vigil to the vibrant and playful celebration for the prince’s birth? did they mourn for a day and celebrate for a week or longer? did they ever mourn, or because of the kings unspoken blame did they ever celebrate him? and if they did celebrate, was diavolo made to feel guilty, knowingly, or even worse, unknowingly by his father? did he see the celebratory cake and decorations and think that it was undeserving since “he killed his own mother” as his father told him despite never saying it?

did he feel bad when the House of Lords challenged and doubted him, not only because of the potential disappointment he could bring to his father and barbatos, but because he feels like his mothers death would have been for naught? he never had time to grieve and if he did, it wasn't intimate or an experience that could've been had in such a personal way to him like how lilith and her memories were told to satan.

satan had a family that grieved and celebrated privately, his birthday is celebrated because they care for him and have reassured him time and time again that they don’t hate or blame him or that they wish lilith was still there instead of him. not like the lonely prince.

diavolo has those friends and found family now, after so many millennia of the closest thing he felt as someone genuinely caring about him being barbatos. with his lie detection skills, could he tell that mephisto is, at best, ingenuous in his attempts at friendship. with mephisto believing they are still friends does that mean diavolo took what he got.

diavolo had no one, no one to tell him about his mother and all the small things, things like her favorite tea or if she was ticklish or what the worst joke she ever told was (satan believed her best being when she told them all cats go to PURRgatory when they die, despite the others telling him it was the worst joke not only because of that, but she couldn’t say a word without doubling over in laughter)

even if everyone told him of her kindness and generosity and everything that made her a worthy queen, he still couldn’t have anyone tell him about his mother and who she truly was. yet every year he celebrates, maybe by now he’s gotten over it but there’s still the chance that he feels guilty for her death and how the people have been forced to forget their queen

I don’t know how to end this off but I like to think that when during the periods of his first birthdays where he was less reactive or the day after, diavolo would have a sort of talk with him about their similar experience

[bl00dlight]

In your most recent ask you spoke about how Ewan said Aemond has the code to be able to walk out on people thus he wouldn't allow himself to be vulnerable/being loved can't help him. But I also have to remind you that Ewan also said that Alicent would be the exception to that code, he wouldn't be able to walk out on her for example, and he also said, and I quote; "I think that's the only way you can beat Aemond, is with love." So I'd argue that saying he'd refuse to be loved or refuse to be genuinely close to someone isn't quite correct. Because talking about show Aemond, I think Ewan has been making it quite clear that Aemond would be willing to be close to people who care for him. All I'm saying is that I don't think things are so black and white, I think Aemond, the one from the show at least, would be able and willing to form connections.

I mean yes, no I agree. I said that he'd be able to form connections.

But I think what Ewan meant by that quote isn't "you can fix Aemond with love." It's that you can BEAT Aemond with love. Those are two separate ideas. What Ewan meant was, in that context of him saying that was to do with why he kicked Alicent out of the council room. Which I talk about, and Ewan talks about Aemond not wanting Alicent in the room because she MAKES him vunerable/emotional. And Aemond doesn't want to feel those things, he doesn't want to be put in a position of weakness. He is a character defined by fear. And for him genuine vunerablity = fear.

What Ewan meant is, you can dampen his worst impulses with love. But you can't make him feel more secure with love. Because love makes him feel vunerable aka beaten/weak. Love doesn't mean you'd fix him. Because what happens when you trigger his insecurities? What happens when you do what Alicent and Helaena both do and point out he is violent/cruel?

I think it's a deeply unrealistic idea to frame Aemond as basically, he'd call the whole thing off, this entire personality would go from violent, power hungry, controlling etc

To loving family man - if he is just given some love/care/affection.

He literally PAYS the Madame to do that exact thing and still walks out on her. Because she means nothing to him. He was confessing something which is MASSIVELY vunerable - that he feels guilty for Lucerys - he exposes himself completely to her; yet feels nothing for her. He can just abandon her. Which is Ewan says is Aemonds philosophy. Don't get attached. You can't get hurt if you're not attached.

“Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” That’s the code his character utilizes so he’s able to maneuver around this world without getting caught by Al Pacino."

But unless you were his family members (the ones he actually cares about) Unless you were Alicent and Helaena - he'd be using you as a substitute. Which Ewan also talks about Aemond finding substitutes for that love he so desperately wants. A substitute is not the same thing.

He hasn't exactly been very kind to Alicent has he? When she puts her hands on him he pushes them away after he told her to go back to 'domestic pursuits'. He has trash talked her all season, called her weak.

I think in season 1, yea. His character would be more willing to be close to others: but his character was in a place of greater stablity.

But season 2 is a whole different story. He is like 18 years old and has experienced an unbelievable amount of trauma in the span of a few months. And now? All the stablity he once has is completely gone. Remember, trauma is something that pulls you further and further down into your worst impulses. Why? Because it's a survival reflex. Aemond in s2 has lost ALLLLLLL the love/stablity he once had with his mother/family. Which again, was already very dysfunctional anyway. But it was managed. And Aemond wasn't in a position of power like he now is.

Alicent tries to be close with him.

I don't think you've quite interpreted what I was saying, I wasn't saying Aemond would refuse love/care - in fact I have a whole section discussing how that's exactly what he wants. Only it wouldn't be a functional idea of love and care for the person who was giving it to him.

The ask was specifically asking me how I think he'd behave in a relationship where he is loved and cared for. And I said... well exactly how he behaves with Alicent and Helaena (who both do love and care for him).

I mean, if you want to take Alys for an example - we don't really know what their relationship was like or the dynamic. But just from the fact in the books there was clearly, a romantic element to it - Aemond isn't fixed. He gets worse. He grows more violent, more wrathful, more vengeful. He kills and destroys everything around him whenever he feels the slightest bit threatened or insulted.

And if we apply that to show Aemond? Well... yea makes sense. Alys would just be another substitute. He can siphon what he wants as long as he has power. He can let you get close as long as you never threaten him, as long as he never starts to feel like he might be vunerable in the relationship.

As I said - I never said Aemond can't form connections. He can and he does. I said those connections wouldn't be stable. Put it this way, Alicent is Aemond's greatest vunerablity. And he treats her like shit now that she has turned away from him.

How could a man who has never been shown unconditional love? Ever express that? I don't think I'm being black and white. I think it's actually more black and white to interpret what Ewan said as equalling Aemond is easily fixed with love. Because it's not what he said. He said he is BEATEN by it.

And what does Aemond not want? To be beaten. He doesn't want to feel vunerable or weak. So why would he lean into that if he feels he is going to be beaten? And why would he distance himself from Alicent to the point of stripping her from her only power - if it wasn't for the fact that his love for her makes him feel vunerable?

It's black and white to think Aemond is uncomplicated enough that he would just change his entire way of being for love.

He wouldn't. Love threatens him. It beats him.

And the only way to negate any of that would be to basically give in to whatever he wanted, whenever he wants. To have no power, never complain if he mistreated you or others etc.

Again, S1 proves that even with the stablity of his family - he still lashes out towards others. You're forgetting that Aemond wasn't just hurt by Alicent. He was hurt by HIS ENTIRE FAMILY. His brother, his nephews, his cousins, his half-sister, his father. They all neglected him/bullied him etc. This man would not trust anyone lmao. And he literally doesn't we see that time and time again.

Alicent was the only one who ever stood up for him. He is attached to her.

And Helaena too, Helaena has likely never questioned him before or made him feel bad. They share an affinity for being the outsiders so she has only ever made him feel comforted most likely.

It's not until Alicent and Helaena turn away from him - that he fucken loses it on them. Okay Alicent was rightfully upset with Aemond in episode 1 of s2 for killing Luke and he has been hating on her ever since?

Aemond literally assaults Helaena when she refuses the idea that she would help him kill people.

Yea, you could get "close" to him - but my whole post was that being close to him wouldn't be you were exempt from his abuse. And any love/care he feels for you wouldn't be something he LEANS into unconditionally. Because his ego/his wounds are bigger than just that. It's not black and white to see that.... any connection with him would be dysfunctional.

I explicitly stated he is absolutely capable of love and care and connection. But my whole post was about the fact... it would be a nightmare and wouldn't be how you think of love/care/connection. We are talking about a man who has more power then like... well, in a sense he's the equivalent to a billionaire with a nuke - who also rules the world. Oh and also he has been abused and traumatised.

There is a zero percent chance he would form healthy attachments/connections.

[queenshelby]

Yes! Mr Murphy (Rewritten)

PART THREE: THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Angst, Age Gap, Teacher x Student, Smut

PLEASE COMMENT AND ENGAGE!

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE REWRITTEN THIS STORY AND PART TWO CAN BE FOUND HERE (rewritten).

Hours later…

Your POV

“What’s wrong?” Emma asked, seeing the look on your face when you walked through the door of your studio apartment which you shared with her.

“I had the worst fucking day” you told her before walking over towards the fridge, opening the freezer and retrieving the bottle of vodka you knew Emma kept hidden there for desperate times.

“That bad huh?” Emma asked as she watched you pour yourself two or maybe three shots of cheap booze into the tallest glass you could find before topping it up with juice.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she then asked and, after taking a big sip from your drink, you nodded and sighed all at the same time.

“The guy I met at Temple Bar is my fucking lecturer” you then blurted out, causing Emma’s chin to drop.

“The mid forty year old you slept with?” Emma asked and you nodded again.

“Yes. Cillian. The one I slept with. Fuck” you spat before breaking out in laughter. “Why is this shit happening to me?” you then asked and, even though this question was a rhetorical one, Emma answered you.

“I believe in fate as you know” Emma told you, knowing very well that you had not been able to get this blue-eyed stranger out of your head. You had told Emma about your reoccurring dreams, featuring him, and you told her that, during your one night with Cillian, you had the best sex ever and that you felt some sort of connection to him.

“Fucking fate? Seriously?” you chuckled. “He is 46, still married with kids…” you began to say just before Emma interrupted you.

“Separated” she corrected you but you did not care about technicalities.

“Whatever” you spat. “He is an actor and my fucking lecturer too” you then pointed out while emptying your glass much too quickly.

“Well, one would hope that he can act if he is teaching an acting class, right?” Emma then chuckled but you shook your head.

“No. You don’t understand. Here. Look” you told her before bringing up your most recent Google Search on your phone and, just as you did, it happened again. Emma’s chin dropped.

“Holy shit. No kidding. He’s famous” she blurted out while clicking through the filmography and you simply rolled your eyes.

“I want to skip this class. I really do. I can’t do it” you pointed out but Emma shook her head.

“You can do it! You are talented and you worked so hard for this, so you shouldn’t just give up now” Emma reminded you and, of course, you knew that she was right.

Acting and dancing were the two things you enjoyed the most and getting a role on stage was your dream. This was what you were working towards and, in order to get there, you had to finish what you have started.

You had important auditions coming up for a theatrical piece combining both, modern theatre and contemporary dance. It was the role that was perfect for you and, whilst you were occasionally performing on stage, it never entailed any acting. It had always been dancing because dancing was what you were comfortable with. Acting, on the other hand, was outside your comfort zone as you were still unable to let go of yourself and immerse yourself in a character.

The lines were easy to learn but pretending to be someone else was not. Allowing yourself to become someone else was what you had to learn. You had to learn that it was okay to appear vulnerable at times but, unlike most actors, you were continuously on guard. It was your protection mechanism and this was what you had to work on in order to get through the auditions.

Cillian, on the other hand, seemed to be an expert in exactly that. He was a highly regarded actor and you hoped that, despite what happened between you, that you could work together. You hoped that you could learn from him and his experience and that both of you could forget about the intimate moments which you have shared.

The sex. The incredible sex. Surely, you could forget about it, right? It was just sex after all… Or was it something else?

Cillian’s POV

When Cillian got home, he too was exhausted and frustrated. After entering and hanging up his key on the hook; he shrugged off his denim jacket and balanced each boot on the chair by the door to unlace them. Once those were off, he took off his socks and the he left everything there on the floor, not feeling like cleaning up right now.

It had been a shit day, to say the least and Cillian was starving for a shower, to be clean, and collected for another day tomorrow. A day where he had to face you again, the woman he had slept with two weeks ago and who had been on his mind for the past two weeks.

The sex you had with each other was incredible, if not the best he ever had and now that he saw you again, the intrusive thoughts about you were back.

Leading himself down the dark hallway, Cillian flicked on the light in the bathroom. He gave himself a good look over in the mirror, lifting a hand to run it through the locks of hair that hung loosely over his forehead and, just as he starred at himself, he wondered whether this was more than just a co-incidence.

But, just like you, however, Cillian did not believe in fate and put his mind at ease.

“Get her out of your fucking head. This is nothing but a stupid mistake. She is only 29. She is your student. You only just separated from Danielle. It would be a bad idea to pursue this” he told himself over and over again just as he pulled off his shirt, revealing his freckled skin to the figure in the mirror before, eventually, stepping away from the vanity.

“But she is so attractive. Absolutely incredible. And smart. Funny. Her smile. Her eyes. The smell of her hair…God that scent…her laugh…her moans…the way her skin felt on mine” his mind went on, playing tricks on him as Cillian took off his briefs. He could feel his manhood stir at the sheer thought of you and this bothered him.

“Stop thinking about her. Fuck. Stop it. You are 46 years old and have no business with a woman like this. No fucking way” he then murmured, actually and literally thinking out loud as, finally, he stepped into the shower.

Cillian turned on the stream and his head ducked underneath the faucet head, letting the water pour right over him, spraying down onto his back and dripping between the crevices of his ass cheeks. It felt oddly comforting and he was letting the water swallow him whole.

Soon, the hot steam from the water caused a heavy fog to appear and, just as it did, Cillian closed his eyes and breathed in deeply while thinking about you once more.

He remembered the twelve hours you shared and, in particular, the morning after your first sexual encounter together.

The morning after was his favourite part of the experience and this was simply due to the fact that he got to see the real you, without make-up and completely off-guard.

Your hair was messy and, despite the fact that you were incredibly tired following a night with next to no sleep, you looked incredible when Cillian caught a first glimpse of you that morning.

You were teasing him, wanting more of him. The scent of your hair lingered in his nostrils and goosebumps rose all over his skin when your delicate fingers made contact with the hair on his chest before descending to where he wanted them touch him most.

Flashback

As he was lying on his back, still asleep and with his legs tangled in the white fleece throw on his bed, Cillian could hear a faint sound by his side, waking him up slowly.

“Hmm” he murmured in response as his foggy mind began to remember the night before.

“Good Morning” he heard you whisper as you reached out a finger to trace the length of his arm, enjoying being able to stare at his nakedness in the morning light shining through the window.

“Good Morning” he murmured again in a trance as you sat up and slid your fingers slowly down his chest, stopping at his waist where the fleece was wrapped tightly around his hips and slipping your fingers underneath ever so gently to untangle him until he was completely naked.

Cillian muttered something and you moved your hand to his hip before leaning over to lick along his collarbone.

He tasted salty and gorgeous as you licked down his chest and stomach to his cock, already hard and waiting for you.

“Didn’t we say that this was going to be a one night sort of thing?” Cillian reminded you before a loud groan escaped him just as you sucked his cock in to your hot, wet mouth.

For a moment your tongue was licking up and down his length and circling the tip as you sucked hard and bobbed your head slowly up and down. You could taste the mingled after taste of last night’s sex on your tongue as you sucked, your juices mixed with his cum and your sweat, and you felt yourself getting even wetter.

“We did, but it still counts as a one off until I vacate these premises” you pointed out after withdrawing your hot mouth from his cock for a brief moment simply to answer his question before, finally, resuming your actions again.

“Fuck. Keep doing that” Cillian groaned as you glanced up at him, seeing him watching you, eyes half closed, and you caught his eye, moaning as you started to move your head faster.

“You look so fucking sexy with my cock in your mouth” Cillian then moaned as he could feel the vibrations travelling up his shaft and he was shocked to realise how close he was to cumming already.

This was unusual for him and since he did not want to cum just yet, he used his hands to gently move your head off his cock and guided you up to his mouth for a kiss.

You complied with his request and crawled back up the bed eagerly. You laid down with your leg over his, your knee brushing not so innocently against his hard cock as you kissed, your wet pussy rubbing against his hip.

“I want your cock inside of me one last time” you told Cillian in between kisses before, finally, he rolled onto his side and reached his hand down, feeling just how wet you were.

“You are soaking” he observed while teasing you with his fingers. “Aren’t you sore?” he then asked while your breathing quickened as he slowly rubbed his fingers over your swollen clit.

“I am so fucking sore. But I want more. Please” you moaned against his mouth as you felt yourself getting close to orgasm.

“Then take what you need” Cillian smirked and you immediately pushed your hand against his shoulder, rolling on top of him and sitting up, rubbing your wetness over the length of his cock before bending down to lick it off with slow strokes of your tongue.

“I will. I am going to ride you until you can’t take it anymore and fill my pussy up with even more of your cum” you winked before sitting up again. You rested your hands on Cillian’s chest before sliding slowly onto him, gasping as he filled you up.

“Fuck. That’s it. Make yourself cum on my cock” Cillian groaned as you began to rock your hips back and forth with him buried deep inside you.

You were rubbing your clit against his flesh and relishing the feeling of fullness before starting to ride him properly.

Cillian grabbed tightly onto your hips, encouraging you to move faster, digging his nails into your back as his breathing became rapid and unsteady.

He held you taut in his grip and he would bring you down hard. Your tight pussy was taking him so well, leaking all over his cock, making you both moan for grace until, eventually, you could feel that he was growing even bigger inside you and you clenched your muscles, pushing down hard so your clit was hitting against him with each thrust as he moved his hips up to meet yours.

Your eyes were closed now and you were making little breathy sounds as you felt yourself on the edge before your muscles clenched and you came undone.

“Oh my god yes!” you screamed as you came hard before immediately collapsing against Cillian chest and breathing hard with your heart racing.

Grasping your hips, Cillian flipped you onto your back before pounding into you again, faster and faster, his balls bouncing off your arse as he drove into you, lifting your ankles to his shoulders as he thrusted deeper, before reaching his high also.

You too came again just as he was emptying himself into you once more with a long groan before kissing your forehead and letting go of your legs.

Your legs dropped to the bed and Cillian collapsed by your side, breathing just as hard as you did.

“Fuck this was incredible” he then told you before pulling you in for another kiss.

“It was the best fucking sex I ever had” you admitted, knowing very well that this wasn’t going to happen again. It was a one-off encounter and all that would be left of it afterwards were memories.

***End of Flashback***

“The best fucking sex ever… She was right…It was the best fucking sex ever…” was what, once again, came to his mind as your one-night stand flashed back at him. He remembered how incredibly good it felt when you rode him that morning, making him cum much quicker than he ever came before. Even with Danielle, whom he had been married to for many years, the sex was not that good. It was not that passionate, loud or animalistic. There was something raw and pure about it. Something primal even and Cillian enjoyed every moment of it.

It was intense and Cillian knew what would happen now that he was thinking about you and the warmth of your skin again.

The thoughts about you got him so riled up, and sure enough, looking down as the water dripped beads from the ends of his hair, Cillian saw that his member had become hard.

“Fuck” he cursed again, trying to think about something else, but he could not.

Thus, Cillian licked his lips while the water was falling from his nose. He was looking down again as he braced both hands on the wall, the veins in both, trailing down his forearms barely popping out. He was now allowing his mind to wander, wander back to you. He was thinking of your morning together and about how guilty he felt right now for wanting you even though you were his student and, even this sense of guilt only caused his cock to grow harder and bigger, making it throb from the single thought of your body on top of his.

Cillian then audibly cursed, his voice deep, almost a hint of gravel, and whisper, "Fuck Y/N! Why are you making me think those things?" he was humming to himself when he stood back from the wall before, suddenly, shutting the water off.

Cillian then reached out for the closest towel, drying his hair and leaving it messy on his head when he went straight to his bedroom.

His erection wasn’t calming down and it was beginning to hurt now. Cillian knew that he needed release and, even though he momentarily tried to look at some random movies online, the only thing on his mind was you. How you felt on him and how tight you were.

He furrowed his brows. He was annoyed with himself and sat down on his bed before, eventually, lying back.

His legs were stretched out and he did not care about whether or not he got his sheets wet. He needed to calm down, desperately.

It would be wrong to think of you like that now that you were his student but he could not help it. You consumed his every thought now and, just as Cillian ran a hand through his damp hair while staring up at the ceiling with despair, his other hand drifted downwards.

His was heart pounding now at the thought of you being on top of him, riding him just like that morning you have spent together. He thought about your moans, those little whimpers, and whines when he held you down and fucked you senseless. You loved it.  Every bit of it. He could tell.

Finally, touching himself, Cillian curled his fingers around his length, his hips almost bucking with need, lifting off the bed to thrust into his hand and he tilted his head back, hair covering his eyes again and he released a bitter groan, his own moans filling the room when he stroked along his base all while he remembered how much you came on top of him. So loud and erotic.

"Fuck” he panted, eyes fluttering as the world around him disappeared and he finally gave into his imagination. Thoughts of you were coming back in full force and he didn't care as he was thrusting up into his hand again, pretending it was your body instead. He imagined your heat swallowing him up and, just as he remembered it all, he realised that he was close to cumming already.

In his mind, he could feel it, your hands on his chest, fingers and nails digging into his skin as you rode him, looking down at him with that naughty expression of yours.

Lifting his head, only to let it drop right back to his pillow as Cillian chewed hard on his lip, gasping out a few seconds later as he continued to stroke his cock.

Then, he finally opened his eyes, just at the right time to see the tip of his cock explode with three ropes of cum, painting his abs. He found his release but, still, his whole body was twitching with need.

He dared to give his softening length a few more tight tugs and that alone made him whimper again.

Cillian eventually let go, hands shaking, and, as soon as he got the chance, he reached for the tissues on his bedside table to clean himself up while telling himself that this was it. Enough was enough.

He knew that he had to get you out of his head so that he could act professionally around you at drama school and, with that in mind, he decided to follow his friend’s advice and go on a date with someone else.

It was a date that Dermont had organised even before he had met you but which Cillian had declined to attend. He told Dermont that he was not ready for dating anyone just yet but, perhaps, it was worth a shot. Even if it was just for a bit of fun.

To be continued…

Please comment and engage. I love getting comments and predictions pretty please!

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[lemon-leviathan]

I Hate It Here, I Fucking Hate It Here.

So For Anyone Who Knows Me, I’m The Type Of Person Who Spoils Things For Myself. Usually Accidentally, But On The Rare Occasion On Purpose Because I’m Also An Inpatient Person. On My Last Post I Asked You All If I Should Finish AOT Because I Stopped Watching It, Well I’ll Be Happy To Let Those Of You Know That I Started Watching It Again. Unfortunately In The Process I Ended Up Spiraling Down A Rabbit Hole And Spoiled MULTIPLE Very Important Scenes For Myself.

🚨🔔‼️So SPOILER ALERT I Guess…‼️🔔🚨

The Whole Big Dream/Time-Memory Travel Thing, I Finally Understand Now. I Understand Why Eren Was Crying. I Get Why He Asked Mikasa About Her Hair. He Remembers Her From His Most Recent Memories, When Her Hair Was Short And His Wasn’t. He Remembers The Mikasa Who Beheaded Him. The One Who Kissed Him. He Remembers HER. Knowing That Eren Was In Control The Whole Time Really Messes With Your Head Especially When You Start Over And Notice Things You Didn’t Before. Things That Never Made Sense Until Now. He Knew What Was Going To Happen And Who Had To Die, And When. He Saved Bert By Sending The Titan After His Mother, By Sending DINA After His Mother. Maybe Due To Armin’s Colossal? Anyway Poor Boy’s In A Time Loop Of Sorts. But That Wasn’t The Worst Of It. That Wasn’t What Hurt Me The Worst So Far…

They Told Him…They Finally Told Him. Jean Knows How Marco Died, He KNOWS. Reiner And Annie Told Jean What They And Bert Did To Marco. They Told Him EVERYTHING. How Reiner Pinned Him Down On The Roof, And Forced Annie To Strip Him Of His ODM Gear Before Leaving Him There. Standing A Few Rooftops Away Listening To Him Cry Out And Scream For Help. Calling For Them By NAME. Watching Him Get Picked Up, Watching Him Struggle And Look At Them With A Pained Look In His Eyes Knowing No One Was Coming To Rescue Him. Knowing His Friends Left Him For Dead All Because He Found Out Something He Shouldn’t Have. And Then Reiner My Darling Reiner Being His Weird Soldier/Teenage Self Has The NERVE To Ask Why Marco Was Being Eaten. Like He Moved On Autopilot And Realized What They Did, What HE Did A Little To Late. Hell, The Titan THE TITAN Stopped Momentarily Because It Too Was Confused. Seeing Jean Find Out What Happened To Him, And Then Beating The Shit Out Of Reiner For What Happened Hurt But At The Same Time…I Was Relieved. Marco’s Death Haunted Jean For YEARS And It Probably Still Does But At Least He Has Some Closer…(Can You Tell I Liked Marco?)

Speaking Of Annie, Yes I Saw The Clip Of Everyone Saying Their Goodbyes To Her. I Saw Levi’s Face…I Know About The Whole Gabi/Sasha/Niccolo/Falco Thing Too (Can I Say I Know About The Connie/Falco Scene Too?) , And I Also Know About Moblit…I Know Horseface And Mikasa Are A Thing. I Know Levi And Mikasa Are Related. I’ve Seen Cabin Eren…

And Like Most People Armin’s Wailing Freaking HURTS.

All That Aside I’m Still On Season 1 In My Rewatch/Pick Up Of AOT So I Don’t Know Everything Yet…But I Know A Lot. And That’s On My Spoiling Things For Myself!

[renren-006]

Hi! It’s me again😌 I don’t know if you’ve watched Jerry Maguire (if not, you should. It is a beautiful movie:) anyway, If you have I was wondering if you could write a request using the “you complete me” speech in that movie for Ethan Hunt? I imagine something like Ethan and the reader being together but Ethan had to breakup with the reader because he wanted to keep her safe and away from all the danger , but then he somehow realizes that misses him/her and that he hasn’t been the same since the breakup, so he looks for the reader and shoots the speech🙃

Idk, sounds pretty good to me, what do you think? Anyway it’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to:)

Complete | Ethan Hunt x Reader

word count: 476

a/n: hey!! yes i have, it’s been a long time tho!! thank you for another one of your request!!! so sorry it took me so long to complete this request!!

Ethan had made many mistakes in his life and in his career. The main mistake he had recently made in the last 6 months was breaking up with the love of his life. You and him were together for up to a year at the point Ethan felt he was putting your life in danger and broke things off with you. You obviously didn't know what his real job was, you thought he was some sort of traveling business man.  Ethan kept that part of his life concealed from you. Once you break up you realize what he did and it hurts that he never told you. 

Your life the past 6 months felt empty without the presence of him. The spaces you both used to occupy now felt cold. Your bed was the worst place for you to be in the morning, the cold pillows and spot he used to sleep in sent your mind into spirals. The showers you took every morning were now the only source of warmth in your cold and distant feeling at home. 

Ethan hoped he had not broken your heart too badly to not take him back. He wanted you back and Benji was more than happy to find you for him. Benji found you a few weeks later working at a restaurant a few miles from your home. When the information reached Ethan he knew he had to stop by and raced over with Benji. 

“Hi I'm looking for Y/N…no no I know.” You heard the ring of his voice from the front of the restaurant you worked at. Rounding the corner you saw him, longer hair, same black outfit he always wore and the sight of Benji's blond hair made it all real.

“You” you said, pain and love clouded your mind. You still loved him, you knew that just from looking at his brown hair and his eyes, and the way his lips curled after seeing you.  

“Hey…Okay ..Okay if this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen” Ethan said, “I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? My life isn't complete, wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't share saving the world because you were not there. I saved the world again, and shit I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my job, or what I do, or the risks I would take to keep you safe.  I couldn't hear your voice or laugh about it with you.  I miss my -- I miss my girl. We live in a cynical world, a cynical world, and we work in a business of fighting tough assholes.I love you. You -- complete me.”

“You idiot” you told him, “You had me at hello Hunt”

[decks-writing-blog]

She's Gone

Summary: Isaac has a talk with Alyx about her mother.

[A/N] Here on Tumblr I saw a post talking about how Alyx and Gordon could potentially trade stories about their time as Kleiner's pupil. Gordon was canonically his student and thus since he has teaching experience it makes sense he might've taken on the responsibility of being a teacher for Alyx as she grew up. It was a fun idea and made me want to write Kleiner and Alyx having some kind of funny school room related interaction, weather I was going to bring it back around to a flash forward of her having shared this story with Gordon, I was going to decide when I got there. But alas, I am cursed with the inability to come up with funny ideas on command. So when I was thinking about it, I came up with this idea instead. It isn't funny in the least but I wrote it anyway because it struck a cord with me.

Content Warning for grief and talk of Azian's death. Since she disappeared, it's entirely possible Alyx didn't immediately know she was dead and thus had be told.

~

In some ways having only one student was easier than a full college classroom. The 1st grade curriculum was naturally simpler for sure, making the main challenge in teaching it be having to resist the urge to go into the more complex specifics. Having only one pupil to focus on made making sure the ‘whole class’ was following along and understood everything before moving on to the next thing easy.

It was harder in other ways though. The situation with the Combine made everything more difficult. Trying to start and keep a classroom and school schedule as close to normal seeming as possible in hopes of shielding Alyx from the worst of it was uniquely stressful. Nothing in Isaac’s teaching career had prepared him for that. It didn’t help that that was actually a full-time job. But having recently volunteered to be her teacher – though really, Eli taught her plenty too just in a less structured and scheduled manner – encouraged her to ask him questions about it specifically.

“What’s the Combine?” “Why are we moving so often?” “What happened?” “Why?” “How?” “What about [friend, neighbor, or just person she’d known before the Combine invasion]?”

Naturally they couldn’t keep the truth from her even if that had been Eli’s first instinct. This was the world she was growing up in, she had to know everything eventually. But Alyx had turned five a mere week before the resonance cascade. So while Isaac never lied to her, he withheld the grisly details. The Combine were alien invaders from space. [X person from before]’s fate was a mystery, the three of them had had to move a few times already after all, it was hard to keep track of people who probably also fled. They moved so often because they were hiding from the Combine; “Yes, kind of like hide and seek but bigger and more important because they’re bad guys.”

With all this Isaac should’ve expected the question to pop up eventually; it was basically inevitable. And yet somehow it still took him by surprise when at the end of a math lesson – usually her favorite subject but today she’d been distracted – she approached him and… “What about Mommy?”

Isaac flinched, almost dropping the chalk eraser he’d just picked up. Trying to hide it, he erased the board before turning to look down at her. “What about her?” As if he had to ask.

“Where is she? Daddy said she’s gone but didn’t say where she’s gone to and he got sad when I asked so I didn’t ask that and don’t wanna ask again ‘cause it’ll make him sad again, I think. But you know, right?”

The small room they’d set up to be a makeshift classroom suddenly felt even smaller and stuffier than it had before. It wasn’t Isaac’s place to say anything about Azian. If Eli wasn’t ready to talk about her with Alyx then doing so in his stead wouldn’t be right. But at the same time Alyx deserved to know that her mother wasn’t coming back. Eli had probably tried to convey that but five-year-olds, even ones as smart as Alyx, weren’t known for picking up on subtleties. While ‘she’s gone’ would convey to most that the ‘gone’ was permanent, to a small child it would seem the same as saying ‘she’s gone to the grocery store’ just without the detail on where. She still believed she’d potentially she her mother again one day.

He could send her to ask Eli again later at which point he’d know to give a more clear answer. Or he could bring the matter to Eli himself and make it clear that Alyx needed a clearer answer. But it had only been a handful of months since the resonance cascade. The wound of Azian’s loss was still fresh, especially Eli. Mitigating the pain the conversation would cause would surely be kind, right? Eli was busy trying to gather up the Black Mesa survivors after all. Isaac didn’t want to distract him from that by reminding him of his dead wife.

And so with a sigh, Isaac pulled out his desk chair and sat down again. “Sit.” He gestured to the spot across from him. Her being his only pupil and there not being room for much else in most of the places they ended up, most of the time they shared a desk for this ‘school’ thing they were doing.

Alyx obeyed, pulling out the chair and clambering back up into it. As proof of her seriousness she didn’t even spin around in it this time before pulling herself over to the desk.

Isaac waited until she was settled in before explaining anything. Before he could figure out how to begin though, she spoke up instead. “She’s not coming back, is she?” Well, it least it wasn’t a surprise.

“Correct. She’s not coming back.”

“Why not?”

Was it better to be up front and direct with the answer or be gentle with it? … Isaac wasn’t entirely sure how to be gentle with this kind of news, straightforward was probably easiest. “She’s dead.”

Alyx stared at him in silence for a few seconds as her eyes welled with tears. “Like… like when you step on bugs and they die and stop moving and get squished with their insides all outside?”

“Yes.” Wait! Not a good thing to say as when applied to a human, that was a horrifically gory description. Oops. “Sort of anyway.” Gosh, science was much easier to navigate and discuss than personal emotional things like talking about a friend's death to her five year old kid. He should’ve sent her to Eli or insisted they talk about it as a group. “Her death probably wasn’t that bad.” That could be a lie though as they didn’t know how she died. Technically, they didn’t even know for sure that she was dead. But it was likely enough that holding out hope and/or letting Alyx continue to do so wouldn’t be wise or kind.

Alyx was full on sobbing now. Isaac opened he desk’s drawer to pull out a box of tissue – something that was quickly proving to be a rare luxury – before standing and walking around to hand to her. He then put a hand on her shoulder, that’s what helped Eli most of the time. It seemed to calm her a little too so he kept her hand there, shifting it slightly to lightly rub her back. Other than that though, he let her cry. She had a right to cry about this for however long she needed to.

It was several minutes before her sobbing finally started to peter out. Finally, when she was done, she blew her nose and sniffled before before looking back up at him. “I should’ve figured that out before, huh?”

“No, I don’t believe so. A lot’s been happening and changing. It is entirely logical you were too caught up in it all to figure that out. Especially since one wouldn’t want to consider such a thing.” And he and Eli had been trying to keep her distracted and busy.

“Is it the Combine that killed her?”

“Possibly. We’re not sure.”

Alyx nodded as if that was the exact answer she’d expected. “I don’t like them.”

“Me neither. We’re going to fight them though and we’re going to win or at the very least try our best to.” The only thing Eli cared about more than his budding efforts to build a proper resistance against the Combine was Alyx. And when Eli got dead set on something like that, things always got done. Isaac was just here to help and to get done whatever science and study he could while doing so.

“I wanna help.”

“I’m sure you’ll be a great help one day.” They couldn’t exactly pretend that she wouldn’t be part of their resistance efforts once she was older. Every single person mattered when it came to fighting a conquering alien force. “For now though, how about we practice reading until your dad gets home, huh?” Which would hopefully be soon and would hopefully be him returning with the info he’d gone after. No use dwelling on anxiety about what would happen if he didn’t.

Alyx looked up at him and sniffled one last time into a tissue before tossing it into the trashcan and turning the chair so she could slide off it. “Okay.”

[this-thing-saved-me]

This Show Saved Me - BTVS 7x22

7x22 Chosen

I will never not find it funny that to stream Buffy I have to go to Disney+. Or the fact that the most recent episode I’d watched (whenever that was) was this one. Since I’m pretty sure I left my rewatch mid-season 3.

But that’s the thing about this particular episode. It’s practically a perfect finale. And felt like the right place to start, because who says everything should happen in order. That’s not always how life works. 

THERE WILL LIKELY BE ABUNDANT SPOILERS FOR A FINALE THAT AIRED OVER TWENTY YEARS AGO. There, that was your warning. And now for some Cole's notes “Story so far.”

Okay, so Buffy’s been through it by this point. The First has annihilated her self-confidence and Caleb has been on the warpath. Spike has told her she’s the one (!!!), whether she fully believes in herself yet or not. (SIDENOTE: yes, I ship Spuffy. Yes, there are very, very valid reasons not to. However I am a big fan of redemption arcs and where they land by the end of the comics feels like as healthy a place as possible with a very real love.)

And Angel shows up trying to be all tall-dark and forehead. Which I get, he’s Angel, he needs to be in the finale. But ultimately he's a delivery boy and he didn’t need to do it in person other than to prompt the first on my list of loves for this episode. 

Which is what I lovingly refer to as the "Cookie Speech." Buffy knows she has more growing to do and she’s self-aware enough to share that with the first love of her life. She’s come a long way from the season of post-resurrection depression, but she’s still not quite ready for what Angel might like her to be (granted he’s JUST lost Cordelia so the fact that he is back at Buffy’s door is a rant for another post.) The idea that things aren’t working for her romantically because she’s not done baking. She hasn’t figured out all that she wants to be. While I love love LOVE this analogy, I wonder if there’s ever really a time in our lives where we are done baking? Besides the end of course. We’re supposed to evolve. We’re supposed to grow.

Spike is her Champion, not Angel. They’ve seen the best and the worst of each other, remember? He knows she needs someone strong, someone with a soul, and despite the bad, she knows he’s earned the right to the title through growing and atoning. Motivated people can change, and that’s something I believe that Spike has shown.

“He had to split” - the joke is LHF and I love it. Does its utterance deserve a place on this list? Yes. Because it's very me-coded. I’d have a very hard time not making the same joke if I had just rendered a man from stem to stern. But I digress. This episode is serious and still silly. It’s the epitome of BTVS episodes. I mean Spike waking from a dream yelling “I’m drowning in Cool Whip,” come on. It’s akin to “the cheese wears me” in off kilter nonsense. Plus Anya later finding her strength in her hatred for "floppy, hoppy bunnies" will never not kill me. (Or her, again spoiler.) I adore Emma Caufield.

Willow is afraid to use magic because of her history with the darkness. Not knowing if she’s stable enough. I can identify with her at this moment after clawing back from my own mental health blip a couple years ago. She went dark. (I went, arguably, nuts) She’s regained her balance but how secure? It’s going to turn out to be really secure because “Oh my goddess” she’s got this. AND…

The fact that Kennedy is there for Willow to help keep her grounded. Her very presence supports Willow but isn’t the deciding factor for victory. Willow needs to believe in herself that she won’t go back over that edge. She touched the darkness and it freaked her the f out. (Once she came back down from the overwhelm and shock of her grief.) I lived in that fear for a long time. And I’m grateful for the grounding I’ve found outside of the support of others, but within myself.

Just for fun, let’s chat about the DND session. Even the scoobies needed to disassociate before the big thing. And self-permission to have fun during challenging times is key. It can’t all be doom and gloom. Sometimes you recharge that nervous energy through Trogdor the Burninator references and that’s more than okay.

Ultimately we have the’ shared power’ speech. “Here’s the part where you make a choice” more specifically. Because they could easily choose to let the First and its legions overwhelm the world and finally be the apocalypse they couldn’t handle. It’s easier to stay down. It’s easier to say I can’t. But where does that get you? Making that choice to take your power back and say I am more than what wants to overwhelm me is a beautiful moment. This moment, where all the Potentials get their piece of the power pie is tremendously moving. I get shivers just thinking about it. Male or female, we don’t need the permission of Slayer power to take back our own. To say ‘no more’ and get back up off the ground. (Although Slayer strength would be badass, let’s be real.)

The bottom line, this episode epitomises what I love about Buffy and the Whedon-verse. Real characters in a fantastic world who battle larger than life caricatures of the demons we fight in our daily lives. This show saved me in a lot of ways. My very first boyfriend got me to watch it back in 2005, which he may have regretted as it CONSUMED my brain for most of grade 12. It was the perfect time for me to experience this show. I credit it for helping me find my voice offline. I was always a nose-in-a-book girl or heavily distracted with FanFiction. I was one of the quietest in my friend group, not really feeling like there was a value to what I had to say. The message that we can choose to be strong and fight back? That’s one that I’ll eternally be grateful for and will carry with me, always. What’s your favourite episode? And why is it “Once More With Feeling”? ;)

(Honourable mention goes to this eye contact where my headcanon is convinced he sees she really does love him despite him telling her otherwise seconds before. THOSE SMG EYES! I can't.)

[summerlycoris]

Is it really a birthday party if you wake up in a hospital?

chapter 9- innatentive signs on the wall.

Current chapter- AO3 link

Chronological timeline- tumblr link

********

Mom: Good morning Cassie. How have you been going up there? Have you made any friends? 

Cassie: Yeah. I guess. I've met this girl, called Siobhan. We're not exactly friends yet, but we've been talking recently. How about you?

Mom: I've been doing well. I’m sending you these texts, to let you know I'll be up tomorrow. Remember that brace for your leg they talked about, at the hospital? I've managed to book you in, for it to be casted. 

Mom: I’ll also be up on the 9th, to see how you are going at rehab. I know you’re still disappointed about that ghost tour- so after your sessions, we can go out somewhere special, if you want?

Cassie: That’d be so cool! Thank you! Could we go to the zoo? There's some animals I'd like to see there.

Mom: Yes, I can take you to the zoo. If you're good at rehab. I'll be checking with Mrs Morrison so please behave, okay?

Cassie: Okay.

________

If Cassie could feel the plaster going onto her left leg, she was sure she'd hate it. Because she hated the feel of gross, sticky things.

The orthopedist had started a while ago, putting the bandage over the stockinette and wrapping it all the way up her leg. And now, it was getting soaked, so it could become a cast. She needed to keep it straight. With her ankle at a ninety- degree angle, which is really hard to do when that leg is the one that keeps wanting to spasm.

The only good thing was that her Mom was there, sitting beside her, and that she'd been told about this before she'd even gone up to Salt Lake City. 

She'd been approved for a leg brace back at the St George Children's hospital. It would help keep her stable, and help her walk on it. That's what the cast was for. She'd only need to stay still for a little bit longer…

"Once this dries, we'll cut it off you, okay?" Said the orthopedist. He must've seen the squeamish look on her face, even though Cassie had been trying to hide it. She nodded. Mom squeezed her hand. 

"Starbright, after we're done here, did you want to go visit Petr? He's still living up here, and I think it'd be good for you to see him." Mom asked.

Cassie wasn't sure. Petr- Uncle Miskovsky- was Gregory's dad. He was nice, but Cassie barely knew him. He'd been too sick to spend much time with her and Gregory.

She knew he'd want to ask about Gregory. Because he always did. He'd ask if Gregory had gotten back into contact with her, and her Mom, anytime they talked to him. And she didn't know if she could pretend that she still missed him, in the same way she had before everything. All her feelings about Gregory were… complicated now. 

She wasn't sure what to say, until Mom spoke up again. "I think you should come with me, to visit him. He's gone through some of the same things you have. He can give you some advice."

And that made sense. Kinda? Last time she'd seen him, he'd been using a wheelchair to get around. His legs couldn't stay steady underneath him anymore.

Though, his situation was different to hers... Cassie was hopefully going to get better. Or at least, not worse. But Uncle Miskovsky wasn't going to have that luck. She'd only really known him for four years, and had seen him get worse over time. 

But maybe those differences weren't a big deal? Because she'd learnt some stuff off Lawrence, and his situation was different to hers too. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

The orthopedist was drawing a line up her cast. So this is nearly over?

Mom stayed with her as the cast finished drying, and was cut away. It didn't take long. But it was difficult. Mostly because her foot did not want to stay at a ninety- degree angle long enough for it to dry. And her knee kept wanting to bend. It was uncomfortable at best. Painful at worst. The medication was helping- this could be worse. But that didn’t make this good.  

"Well, Cassie. We'll see about making this brace, and sending it to you in about a week." The orthopedist said to her, then turned to Marcela. "Do you want this sent to your house, or will she still be in Salt Lake City?"

"Her rehab would be great. That way, they can teach her how to use it." Mom said.

Cassie put her left moonboot back on, for now. 

_________

Over a year ago, Uncle Miskovsky had lived with Auntie and Gregory. Then Gregory went missing. Then Auntie did. Now, he lives up here in an assisted living center. 

She'd heard whispers between him and her Mom before he'd left. He could have stayed in Hurricane. Or even St George. But he didn't want to. 

‘Everywhere I look, I see them , Marcela. I can't take it. ’

It had taken them a while to get to the assisted living facility. Cassie wasn't used to transferring in and out of the car yet, and her Mom wasn't used to folding and unfolding the chair. 

Luckily, she was able to convince Mom to not push her. “Mom, I'm fine. Besides, the more practice I get, the better.”

When they checked the front desk, the receptionist told them he wasn't currently in his room, but pointed out that he liked to play Bingo today. She gave them some directions to follow, leading down a well lit maze of corridors. There were plenty of windows, and plenty of people walking through, that Cassie sometimes had to swerve to avoid. Everytime that happened, she could catch Mom giving her a weird look.

They got to the Bingo hall, and saw Uncle Miskovsky, through the open doorway separating them from the bingo round. Cassie could hear the host from inside, calling out numbers. After a few, it looked like some elderly lady got a bingo, because she jumped up and started waving her arm frantically. Cassie couldn't help but giggle. An old man, sitting next to Uncle Miskovsky, poked his shoulder, and pointed towards Cassie and Mom. He waved, and made moves to leave the bingo table. Until Mom waved him down ‘ It's okay, we'll wait for you.’ She mouthed. He seemed to understand, chatting with the man, not hearable over the loud calling of numbers.

He wasn't that much older than Cassie's Mom. Maybe ten years older, at most. But he looked like he was, with wrinkles and worry lines running through his face and his pale hands. He hadn't looked like that before Gregory went missing. Before his family had gone missing, Uncle Miskovsky had looked like an older version of Gregory. Same brown hair, but with light blue eyes. Now… He still did. But even older, and sicker. His hair had a lot more gray speckled through it than before. 

Cassie and Mom went to sit at a nearby set of lounge chairs, and a coffee table, waiting for the round to finish.

Once the round ended, he came out after the crowd dispersed, and over to them. "Ah, Marcela. You brought some good luck with you today! I won fifty dollars after seeing you and Cassie." His chair looked built up around him, and was drivable using a joystick, like what the arcade machines had.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that Petr. Have they been treating you well here?" Mom asked, getting up to give him a hug. 

"Things have been great. I've got company, and a roof over my head. What more could I ask for?" He said it with a smile. But Cassie caught an undercurrent of bitterness through that statement. Mom patted him on the shoulder, and went back to sit in her chair. 

He turned to Cassie, looking her over. And she braced herself for an awkward question like 'how'd you do that to yourself?' or 'are you going to get better?'

Or 'has Gregory got in touch with you yet?'

"Cassie, did you know your shoes are mismatched? Is this one of those youth fashion trends?" He said, barely holding in a laugh. 

She blinked in confusion. "Oh- no, this isn't a fashion trend… yet. But it could be- I'm a bit of a trendsetter." She joked. And then he really did laugh. It was a quiet laugh, but then Petr was a quiet man, even though he could be boisterous. He just didn't have enough air to speak loudly anymore. "But, uh. Yeah. I've still got a moon boot on- used to have two, but my right leg's better now. So I can have a regular shoe for that one."

She looked down at her shoe. It was a new red sneaker, that Mom must’ve brought her recently. It was a little big on her, and kind of plain. But pretty enough, with sparkles on the sides and black laces.

She wondered where her Roxy light ups had gone. Mom’s probably left them at home, in case I lose them. Or maybe she’s trying to get the light up function working again?

(They’d given up the ghost after Monty knocked her into the sewerage pipe.)

"That makes sense. I heard from your mother what happened to you." Please don't pity me- "did you have fun on your adventure?"

" Petr! Don't encourage her." Mom said, giving him a half-hearted slap on the hand. He gave her one back, and laughed. 

"Seriously though- I remember being a teenager. One time, I went with my friends to explore an abandoned school. It was an adventure I'll never forget. Some experiences are worth every consequence."

Mom rolled her eyes. "And what, pray tell, were the consequences of that ?"

He slumped down a little in his chair. "We got locked in by accident. Got stuck there for two days before someone heard us screaming and called for help. It was a really interesting… conversation with our mothers afterwards, let me tell you. But it was still worth it! Even if I can still feel the welts forty years on."

Cassie couldn't help but laugh at that. Then remembered- he'd asked her a question. "Um. I'm not sure if I'd call it fun. But it was… interesting? It was pretty scary- like going through a haunted house. Except the monsters were real-" She realized just as she said it, that she shouldn't have included that part. She hadn't told Mom about the animatronics chasing her down. 

" 'Monster s ?' Wasn't there just one person pretending to be Gregory?" Mom asked.

Cassie fidgeted with a loose bit of hair. "Well, yeah. There was only one person chasing me… but the animatronics were following me around. And they looked really scary. They were just trying to help, but I got scared and ran away from them." That was only kind of a lie. Compounding on another lie. Eventually it'll start charging interest. The animatronics were trying to help her- help her to avoid releasing the monster. They just had a very scary, potentially lethal, way of going about it.

Mom squished up her mouth, clearly suspicious. But she didn't say anything. 

"Well, Cassie-" Uncle Miskovsky started- "I'm just glad you got out of there okay."

" Okay?! Petr, she nearly died of sepsis . She's stuck in a wheelchair -" 

"She doesn't look stuck to me-" he said, looking over at Cassie. She couldn't help but slump down slightly in her seat, about as far as her brace would allow it. 

Mom clicked her tongue in frustration. "Well yes, but you know what I mean . Her life's going to be so different now… what will the other kids at her school think? She's already had issues about bullying in the past-"

She couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm gonna go, um, get a drink. I'll see you both soon." She fought to keep the undercurrent of bitterness to just an undercurrent. Pushing herself backwards, and away from all of that .

"Cassie- I'll go with you-" Mom started, standing up from her chair.

"No- I'm a big girl, I know where the cafe is. Have fun catching up. I'll see you soon." She waved, with a plastered-on grin. Then she left, before anyone else could start up.

________

That was so. Freaking. Embarrassing .

She hadn't gone to the cafe. She had instead rolled around the common areas of the center. Seeing people, some walking around, some pushing themselves in a chair, or pushing a walker. Some who needed to be pushed. They looked at her. She looked at them. But, hopefully, not judgmentally. They looked at her because she was a stranger. She looked at them because they were strangers.

Cassie had her watch on. It'd only been a few minutes since she'd left. But if she took too long, Mom would ring her asking where she'd gone. 

She didn't want to go back just yet, though. Just to listen to them talking about her, like she wasn't even there. Like she couldn't hear Mom ragging her out. Acting as if her life was over-

All Cassie wanted was… she didn't really know. It was hard to put into words. No more pity? For her feelings on this to matter?

How did she feel about this?

…

I'm not dead. And I'm not stuck in bed anymore. This is the closest to freedom I've had in a while. I'd prefer to be okay. But this isn't so bad. It's just different?

She shook her head. She'd stopped in the middle of the room, and people were now looking at her not because she was a stranger, but because she was acting strange .

Cassie bit the inside of her cheek, and decided that now would be a good time to get that drink. She'd cooled off a little, at least.

Hopefully, by the time I go back, she'll be done with that subject…

She had her purse with her- which had her pocket money, and her expired playpass in it. Not that that would be useful here- she just couldn't toss it away. 

Should I get a drink for Mom and Uncle Miskovsky? It'll make my leaving look less like a tantrum…

So she decided- she didn't know exactly what Uncle Miskovsky liked, but had seen him and Mom catching up for coffee in the past. So she'd just get two coffees for them. 

The cafe looked pretty sleek, and modern. Very few tables- presumably most things brought there would be taken out into the common areas, or back to residents rooms. 

The only issue with the cafe is one that Cassie was still getting used to- she wouldn't be tall enough to see over the counter properly anymore. She'd always been short- she got that from her Dad. And her Mom- but now she was even shorter than usual. And it didn't matter much at the rehab clinic- because most surfaces were lowered more for children- but it mattered here. 

She got into line, and waited for her turn. Deciding on what kind of drink she'd like, and sorting out her money. She could see the clerk taking orders and jotting them down while humming under her breath. Once Cassie got to the very end, she sat in front of the counter. She could only just see over the top of the counter. But everything was at a diagonal, due to the angle. Cassie couldn't even see the clerk.

And it looked like she couldn't see her either. "Sir, did you want to order?"

Cassie couldn't see the man behind her, but could hear him- "Sorry, young lady. But there's an even younger lady in front of me."

Cassie spoke up quickly, feeling blood rush to her cheeks. She waved her hand above her head. "Sorry- I'm here. Can you see me?"

Now she could see the clerk, as she leaned over the counter. "Oh dear! Sorry, we don't normally have kids here. What would you like, dear?"

"Could I get a hot chocolate, and two coffees please? One black, one with half milk?" She was pretty sure Uncle Miskovsky drank his with milk. 

The clerk agreed, Cassie paid- a surprising amount for three drinks, honestly. What a ripoff… and then waited off to the side for them to be made. 

She checked her phone. It'd only been maybe ten minutes since she left in a huff. And she'd be back soon, just needed to wait a little longer.

She texted Andy and Lawrence for a bit, before hearing her order called out. She went to grab them and realized a second issue- how was she going to carry them back? 

She hadnt had to worry too much at the center- she could carry one drink by alternating hands. But this was three drinks. And hot drinks too. Just holding one in each hand burnt. And her hands were pretty tough. Cassie was only wearing short-shorts today. No leggings- they would've gotten wrecked earlier. So she couldn't even put two between her legs. 

She winced just imagining how much trying to get these drinks back would hurt.

However, she got an idea for how to deal with this. Because she’d seen some of the other kids at Rehab do it to get around.

She just hoped it’d work for her. 

"Would you like a hand with those? It's a lot for one person to carry." The clerk asked, as she placed another order on the bench. 

"Do you have any trays I can put these in please?" Cassie asked. The clerk nodded, and came back with a little square tray. Just the kind made of cardboard, with slots for the drinks.

"Do you want me to get someone to carry it for you?" She asked, as Cassie added the drinks into the tray. She tested out how well she could keep its balance in one hand, before shaking her head.

"I think I'll be okay. I'll come back if I need any help. Thank you."

The clerk nodded, and went back to serving other customers. Meanwhile, Cassie started heading back. 

In theory, she could just kick out her footrests, and use her feet to scoot forward. In reality, doing that left her sitting awkwardly in the chair- and led to the tlso brace hurting her, reminding her she wasn’t supposed to slouch backwards like that. 

So that wasn’t an option. But there was another option. 

She’d seen other kids do it. Hold something in one hand, and push themselves with the other.

It wasn't easy. But that didn't bother Cassie much. Because there was a rhythm to it- push a little on one side, swap hands, then push on the other side. Rinse and repeat. It would take her a while, but she was slowly making her way back to where Mom and Uncle Miskovsky were.

Once she got back to them, the only issue was, the door that had previously been propped open separating the common spaces, was now shut. It was one of the doors that swings both ways when pressed. So she could force her way through. 

Maybe. 

Except she could hear faint talking. 

Mom and Uncle Miskovsky were on the other side of that door. Not far away from it. She could hear them talking-

"Do you think she really saw him, Marcela? If he's there, maybe he's trying to come home…"

"Maybe, Petr. But I didn't see Gregory at all. I think… I think Cassie was just very lonely, and still a little out of it. Prolonged sedation can lead to hallucinations afterwards. And her sedation was… very prolonged."

… They're still talking about me?! 

"... Are you okay? After all that, I mean."

Oh. This is one of those kinds of conversations. The really heavy kinds. 

Cassie felt weird listening in now.

A sob. A quiet noise followed. "No. No I'm really not - I've been so selfish. And I nearly lost her because of it."

Cassie wanted to ask why . Luckily, Uncle Miskovsky did. And Mom answered. "I thought I could handle it. 'Just a few years working at the Youth Crisis Center. Until my classes take off. Until the class action succeeds. Until Sam comes back. ' But he's not coming back, Petr. He's never coming back. He's-” that sentence ended in a loud sob, and didn't resume afterwards. “And the class action keeps being stalled by FazEnt- so we can’t even get any compensation for Sam’s death. My classes are doing okay- but not well enough. Never well enough-"

"Marcela-"

"I feel like I'm slowly drowning out at sea. And those classes are the lifering I'm clinging to. But I can't cling to it- I nearly let my daughter drown to save my own skin. Does… does that make sense?"

“It does - but you're being too harsh on yourself-”

“How can you say that?! If anything, I'm not being harsh enough- ”

“How can you say that?! There's no way you could've known something like this would've happened. How were you to know that someone would target Cassie like this?”

For a while, there was nothing said. And Cassie just sat there. Holding onto the tray with both hands. Feeling completely useless. 

But then Mom spoke up, in a whisper. Barely hearable through the door.

“I should have known, because someone targeted Sam. Someone targeted Jemima. Gregory. Someone has it in for us- someone has it in for you, too…”

Silence. 

And then Cassie knocked on the door.

“Hey, Mom? Could you let me in, please?”

She could hear a chair shifting against the tiled floor, and footsteps. Then the door opened towards Cassie- she had to quickly push herself out of the way.

And she could see Mom. With a smile plastered to her face. Pretending nothing had happened. Except Cassie could see the puffiness around her eyes. 

“I brought back some coffee- the one on the left is yours, and the one on the right is for Uncle Miskovsky. The one at the back is mine.” Cassie said, holding out the coffee tray. Mom grabbed the tray carefully out of her hands, and held the door open so that Cassie could come back in.

“Hey, Cassie. Thank you for the drink.” Uncle Miskovsky said, as she wheeled back to where he sat. Mom walked back in, behind her, and gave out the drinks. Passing the hot chocolate back to Cassie. 

It felt warm in her hands. Strange against the chill in her blood.

Mom spoke up first, once everyone had sat down. “Cassie, I'm sorry for worrying you earlier. The kids at school… you're going to be just fine . I'll make sure of it.” She leant forward in her chair, cupping her hands over Cassie's hands holding the drink. “And I’ve heard some great things about your progress at rehab- you'll be back on your feet before you know it!” She said this to Cassie, ostensibly. But she was looking towards Uncle Miskovsky out of the corner of her eye. 

He was also periodically flicking his eyes over to Mom, though he was pretending to be focused on Cassie. “Exactly- things will be back to normal before you know it.”

She could feel a weird tension between the both of them.

This is a huge game of charades. And I know what's behind everyones headband. 

Denial.

Three could play at that game.

“Yeah. I'm going to be fine.”

________

The next few days at the rehab center weren’t that different to her first week there. Physical therapy. Occupational therapy. Group therapy. School. 

But Cassie had been making progress. Shed gotten better at using the wheelchair, and at standing and walking in the gait trainer. Being able to take more of her own weight. Rebecca had even congratulated her on it-

“You've been putting in some great work, Cassie. If you keep this up, we may be able to get you using crutches at least part of the time, before you go home.”

She couldn't help but feel proud of that. Because she had been working really hard to get anywhere with this. And it now seemed to be paying off. 

Heck, she even made some progress with school. She still had some issues with math, but had bounced back a bit in english, art, and science. She’d recently got a B+ on a test about reading comprehension. She just had to show her Mom.

Most importantly, for Cassie, she'd gotten better at standing up by herself. She was able to stand, leaning against a nearby wall or table. Even if it still hurt to do that for too long. 

And she’d gotten permission to go out bowling on the weekend. 

‘It’s accessible, so you’ll be able to bowl with everyone. And it shouldn’t be too busy, so it won’t be dangerous for you to stand occasionally.’

Needless to say, Cassie felt like she was on cloud nine.

Especially because she was helping paint Annette’s nails, in a vibrant pink color. While Annette told her about some stuff she’d been seeing on the fazfans forum.

They’d been talking about just basic things, until Annette brought up something real.

“... The admins have been cracking down recently. On DM’s. Because of the… do you know what's been going on down in Hurricane?”

Cassie nodded. I know, all right.  

Annette continued. “From the pinned post, they're planning on just. Getting rid of that function altogether, and deleting any old DM’s. This sucks- I might not be a huge fan of the shows or games anymore. But I’ve made some good friends there. Some of them are all the way on the other side of the world… and I know Mom won’t let me give them my phone number. So once the DM’s are gone, It’s gonna be so much harder to talk to them.”

“That does suck.” Cassie said, finishing up painting the nails of one hand. She gestured for Annette to pass the other hand over, for their final coat. “Me and my Dad would sometimes send each other messages… if I was at home, and he was at work over school holidays. Or just whenever they made us use a computer at school- it was one of the only good sites not blocked by the school's IT guys.”

Those were fairly bittersweet memories. Of her and her Dad sending silly messages about Freddy’s characters, about rumors. Anything really…

“... And now they’re planning on getting rid of the messages?” Cassie sighed. “Mom banned me from going on the internet. And especially on the forum-” Annette didn’t interrupt to ask why , which Cassie appreciated. “-so I can’t even try to screenshot the messages when I get home.”

Annette gave her a funny look, and quickly looked around. Cassie was tempted to ask what was up, until Annette leaned in close- “You could use one of the computers here. To get onto the forum, I mean.”

Cassie tilted her head. “They have computers here? That we can use?”

“Yeah. They have them for the IT classes, if I remember right…”

Cassie's shoulders drooped, and she stopped painting Annette’s last finger. “one problem- I’m not in the IT class.” She didn’t have a login for the PC’s.

“I am.” Annette whispered. And Cassie’s hopes rose again. “I’ll lend you my login, if you don't do anything funny.”

“Of course I won't- thank you, Annette!” She resumed painting her nails, finishing it off, and leaving the hand to dry like the other. 

“No problem, no problem. Once my nails are dry, I’ll help you out, okay?” 

Cassie nodded, and capped Annette's nail polish bottle, putting it back in her little make up kit. 

________

It felt odd to be sitting in front of a computer again, once Annette had put in her password. She’d sat to the side, keeping an eye on things, while Cassie brought up the browser and went to the forum. 

Immediately, she was hit with a small sense of nostalgia. This site had been made back in the early 2000’s, or so her Dad had said. And it looked it- it hadn’t updated much at all, except to add the Glamrock’s to the site banner. 

She was sure, if she went far enough back in the archives, she could find some of her Dad’s post from when he was young.

Cassie went to put her username and password in, before turning to Annette. Who was watching her intently. “Um. Could you shut your eyes for a second?” She asked her. 

Annette’s eyes went wide with realization, and she laughed before looking away. “You know I have my own account, right? I don't need yours!” She joked. 

Cassie grinned, as she put in her password, and clicked to log in. The computer ran slowly, to load the sign in page. Must have bad internet here , Cassie thought, as the site took its time to load. 

It loaded, eventually. But not the sign in page.

Cassie’s hopes fell. And she sat there in shock.

“... Yikes, you must've messed up . The mods don’t just ban for nothing.” Annette said, looking back over Cassie’s shoulder. 

While Cassie wracked her brain, trying to figure out why . Could she have done something before her ‘accident’?

The last comment I left was about Roxy’s old attraction at the Hurricane Mega Pizzaplex, back when it was open. I didn’t swear, or do anything wrong, so why…

“I don't get it. I didn’t do anything!” She told Annette about her most recent comments- all unobjectionable. “And I haven't even been on the forum in about two months! This doesn't make sense…”

Cassie felt like her heart was breaking. She’d thought she stood a chance of getting those old messages. But she’d already lost that chance. Maybe she’d never had it to begin with.

Annette looked at her with pity in her eyes. Cassie wished she wouldn’t - “Maybe you could send them an email? It might’ve been a mistake.”

“Maybe…” Cassie murmured. She doubted she'd get a response back, but it seemed like the only thing she could do. 

She found the email address on the FAQ page. In case anyone was having technical difficulties. Copied it, then opened up her email. 

Her email account was completely full of unread emails. Most of them spam. She groaned internally, and thought I’ll deal with all that later- this is more important.  

So she put fingers to keyboard. And got started. 

“ Hello. 

“My account, RoxysBiggestFan11, was banned recently, and I don’t know why. I’ve been sick for a while- I was in hospital from the eleventh of August, and haven't been online. So I’m not sure what I could’ve done wrong. 

“Whatever I’ve done wrong, I’m happy to say sorry, or do whatever else is needed. I just want to see some old messages from my Dad. 

“Thank you for your help- Cassie.”

She’d taken her time writing this out, and hoped it sounded polite. And that they would want to help her at least get the messages back. 

All she could do was send the message, and hope. 

She logged out of her email, and gave the computer back to Annette. In case she wanted to use it. “I’m sorry this is happening to you, Cassie.” She said, as she logged out of the computer completely. 

Cassie wasn’t sure how to respond to that. So she changed the subject. 

“How are your nails going?”

********

Authors note-

Not much to say here- I'm trying to keep things medically accurate. If you spot something that's wrong- please tell me.

The title is from Ghost and Pals, Reckless Battery Burns.

[nodinoah]

the five-year plan. one

when you were twenty you had sat down and made your five-year plan, you would get married, get your dream house, have your dream career and then at the end of those five years you'd have a kid. everything was going almost perfectly to plan, well that was until your husband came home with divorce papers. now you're somehow trying to stay on track, maybe you could convince your best friend to have a baby with you.

chapter one : the one where you want a baby and jungkook is very confused.

pairing: best friend! jungkook x reader genre: fluff, idiots (friends) to lovers, slow burn, porn with plot. rating: explicit, minors do not interact!! general tags: non-idol!au, ex-husband!jimin, slow burn, unprotected sex, idiots in love, idiot plot, miscommunication, etc...

originally posted : september 18th, 2023

word count: 1.8k

a/n: hi yes this series is abandoned, however i am reposting all of what was completed for those who enjoyed the story !! 🤍

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Being sold the concept of a happily ever after was possibly the worst thing that a mother could do to a daughter. She would think she's filling her daughter's head up with expectations and excitement about what was in store for her. The daughter would live a life being spoon fed stories on silver platters of knights in shining armors and love stories that would triumph all of lives trials and tribulations. But one day she'd have to learn the hard way that love stories were just that, stories.

Because here you are now — 25 and recently divorced from your happily ever after and now you're having to relearn where your place in life is after the end credits roll, being held down by the constant weight of time, because while you're young you still had plans, expectations.

It's a bad habit really, ever since you were a teenager you would sit and say to yourself “Where do I want to be in 5 years?” It likely stems from your fathers main philosophy in life — if you're not working towards living a better life, living the life you dream of? What's the point of living? Sometimes you wonder if he's still unsatisfied even now? Is that the future you have to look forward to? Never being satisfied, maybe that's why he cheated on mom.

The plan had always started fairly simple, when you were 13 it was to graduate from school, get into your dream college. Then you met him, and then that dream college changed to wherever he was going. Then you got a little more in tune with reality about what a valuable degree would be and what you would spend your time working towards. Then it was to get your dream job, get a nice house, get married. And all of those things happened, not necessarily in that order, but they happened.

And then year by year another goal stayed on that list that you never quite reached — have a baby. From the time you were 20 you knew you wanted to have a child at 25, and then the second at 27 so they weren't too far apart in age. You'd be settled in your dream career by then, and J-he would be completely done with his degree, he'd be a practicing physician and it would be the perfect time.

It's too bad that love stories are just stories, and a few weeks after your 24th birthday you learnt that lesson the hard way.

So here you are now, 25, no husband, no more dream house, and still no baby.

One of these things you could change, quite easily actually. It's just basic biology, it doesn't take that much effort to make a baby.

“Have sex with me.”  The words leave your mouth without any preamble. You say it casually, like you've said this exact phrase to him countless times.

“Pardon?” You hadn't actually said those particular words to him before and your entirely sure Jeon Jungkook's brain just short circuited.

He doesn't look like he's just been propositioned but rather like you told him that you killed your boss and need help hiding the body. His face holds a vague look of being slightly terrified but potentially willing to help. Like he just needs a little bit of an explanation and then maybe he could be persuaded.

You give him a pointed look saying ’I said exactly what you think I said’ with your eyes, hoping he gets the message. Yours and you best friends ability to speak with your eyes had been a skill you'd honed in over the year. But even then he still doesn't respond, just continues staring at you like you're gonna laugh and say gotcha I just wanted to see your reaction.

You take a bite of your ice cream, and lean back into the love seat with a sigh like this conversation is troubling you — nevermind that you're the one that started it.

“I know you heard me the first time, Jeon.” You say tone bored, you've never been a fan of repeating yourself. Even during potentially life changing conversations.

“Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah, I definitely heard you.” Jungkook responds sounding just slightly hysterical, looking like he's not sure whether he wants to laugh or completely flee the scene, “I just thought maybe you would give me a little more context."

You scoff, pulling the spoon from your lips with a dramatic pop, you can't help the roll of your eyes, “When have you ever needed context to go along with any of my plans?”

At his expectant gaze you put the ice cream carton in his waiting hands. Jungkook makes an angry face and you're not sure if it's from how good the ice cream tastes or because of the argument that you're probably starting.

“When your plans involve me having sex with you context is required,” He says then pauses, and speaks again like he thought better of it, “Actually, any plan that involves sex, at all, requires context.”

You sigh and turn so you're fully facing him, taking the opportunity to stretch out and put your legs in his lap, your toes touching the other end of the love seat. You can't help but miss your old couch, the one you'd comfortably stretch out on and you could lay down at one end and not reach the other. You miss laying down on it with Ji–him, curled up like you had nowhere to be. You miss resting your feet in Jungkook's lap, your head resting in J–his, a movie playing on screen that the three of you are barely watching too caught up in your conversation to care.

But now you're left in this new apartment all alone trying to navigate where the fuck you're going from here.

Jungkook is still staring at you while angrily munching away on your shared ice cream. He's just waiting for you to provide him with much needed context.

“I want a baby." You say tone serious and he just continues to stare at you tiredly, desperately waiting for you to say more.

"And…?" His voice trails off, and then when you continue to offer him absolutely nothing, he speaks again, "What does that have to do with me?"

"Well, I don't know if you noticed Jungkook, but I just got divorced.” Your words are intentionally condescending, he had been there for you during the whole divorce process, “So it's not like I can just call up Jimin and be like 'Hey I know we just settled the divorced and you basically said never talk to me again, but hmm, what about some break up sex?' Because according to my five-year plan I need to get pregnant by,” you pause to dramatically look at an imaginary watch on your bare wrist, “hmmm, yesterday."

“He didn’t say never talk to me again.” Jungkook ignores the rest of your spiel, giving you a pitying look that makes you feel a little sick.

You hate that look. It's all you've been seeing these days — from your friends, from your family, even from the reoccurring strangers in your life. The waitress at your favorite cafe had given you that look after she had asked if he was in the bathroom and if you wanted his usual, you watched the cogs turn in her head when you gave her a bitter smile and said “it's just me today, thanks.”

Your hurt must be clear on your face because Jungkook chooses to continue speaking and does what he does best, put his entire foot in his mouth, “And I mean, why do you still need to have a baby? The divorce wasn’t a part of the five-year plan either but hey-"

You cut him off by throwing one of your throw pillows directly at his face.

“Right, okay, I deserved that one. That was insensitive.” He says with a sheepish smile.

He offers you a spoonful of your ice cream in consolation, and you happily accept savoring the taste on your tongue.

It's silent for a moment while you debate just moving on, pretending that you hadn't said what you had said. You'd both carry on like it never happened and you would just let the thought linger in the back of your head for awhile.

No, you decide firmly. It's too late to backdown now and you wouldn't get what you wanted if you didn't actually ask.

“I just, I need something to be right.” You say slowly, searching for the words to properly express your thoughts. “This isn’t how my life was supposed to turn out. Like I was supposed to be Mrs. Park Jimin, we were gonna have a house, a dog, and a kid. And well, I've got literally none of that going for me anymore.”

You can't help the bitter laugh that leaves your mouth. Jungkook looks like he wants to say something but you bulldoze through the block in your mind and let the words flow freely.

“Alright, 'cause like right think about it, okay? I'm literally 25 now and it took me and Jimin three years of being friends before we even got together. And then it was four years before we got married. Then we wanted to take our time to explore being a married couple, and then we wanted to get comfortable in our new house, and then we wanted to get settled in our new careers, and then he wanted to finish his residency first, it was just never a good time to have kids. I don't have time to go through all of that again, say I meet someone now, and I go through that whole 10 year process again, I'll be what, 35? You know they literally call those geriatric pregnancies? Geriatric, how fucking condescending. But I digress, you're considered high risk at that point, and if I'm being honest I don't want to do that. I don't want a new relationship, I don't want to go on dates and get to know someone. I don't want to decide if someone is good enough to plan out my whole future with. I just want to skip to the good part.”

“I guess I could go to the clinic and get a sperm donor or something but I’d rather just have my kids' parent be someone I know. Cause I don't want my future kids to have to wonder where they came from. And I really can’t think of anyone else I’d trust more for this.”

You finish off your long winded speech with an expectant gaze at Jungkook.

“That's nice bubs,” He says tone soft and a sweet smile tugging at the corners of his lips, it immediately drops as he takes another bite of your ice cream, his angry eating face back in place, “This is so good. I'm still not having sex with you.”

“Jungkooooooook.” You whine, turning wide pleading eyes on him. A pout firmly on your lips, your face inches from his. “Have sex with me.” 

“No, you freak.” His voice is full of mirth as he pushes your face away. 

[hxneydreamers]

✨THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO GET EVERY DESIRE✨

My biggest struggle this year began when my SP and I separated. My focus was all over the place as I had just begun a new job - what was supposed to be my dream job. My mental diet completely slipped because I did not put in the time to identify what was triggering me, and I instead used my free time to desperately affirm for my SP. All my energy was on things external to me, and when I didn't see results, my self-concept got worse and worse until even my job became horrible. I was in the worst place ever and I felt trapped.

I took a break from manifestation and basically fell victim to my 3D until one day I had a breakdown and begged the 'universe' for some sort of sign of what to do. That same weekend I bumped into a friend who started telling me that she saw on Facebook that we were both part of a manifestation group. She proceeded to tell me about how she manifested her SP back with self-concept only - their situation was almost exactly the same as mine. This was the sign I needed.

That same week I decided to just start fresh and approach this with a new perspective. My goal was no longer my SP, but myself. My goal was to be happy again, to be fulfilled, to be the best and most fulfilled version of myself, to be chosen and irreplaceable, and to know that no one compares to me in my reality. Yes, I still wanted my SP, so if he came to my mind I would affirm a few things, but I would always steer my thoughts back to me and my self-concept.

This is what I have manifested so far by focusing only on my self-concept:

My anxiety and depression basically subsided almost overnight

Genuine joy, confidence & fulfillment with or without my specific desires.

More friends in my life, social opportunities, and experiences

My workplace has become so much more tolerable, and even enjoyable.

Opportunities for my career and access to expensive facilities and services for free.

New and amazing friendships at work (one of the biggest factors contributing to work getting better).

I did not feel like I fit in with my old team and didn't like my old desk, and I manifested being moved to a new team in the new year and have moved to the best and brightest desk in my part of the office.

A free trip away.

A random urge to completely change my hair and my look (didn't realize until after I did it that it was inspired action to shift into the new version of me.)

I manifested CRAZY AMOUNTS OF ATTENTION FROM GUYS! All year I had literally 0 action, and suddenly since I started working on my self-concept I have had options appearing out of nowhere.

New romantic options, including ones with similar vibes and similar situations as my SP.

Old crushes, old friends, people from the past & exes coming back!

Repeating numbers EVERYWHERE!!!!!! So many 1111 and 111's.

The craziest of all of this was that in the last 2 weeks I have had 2 guys come into my life:

The first one is a guy from the past who lives in another country on the other side of the world. He has the same name as my SP and is constantly messaging me, trying to organise trips for us to see each other and have a romantic getaway. (I know right, what the hell!?)

The second guy is the most recent in my life. He ALSO has the same name as my SP, but the weirdest part is that he has a similar personality and many similar traits to my SP. It's eerie. This relationship is the one that has progressed the most out of all of the options I've had come around, which makes me think this is all birds before land.

Lastly, my SP has been messaging me on all platforms much more frequently than usual. He even told me he has a gift for me. I have not seen this guy since March this year.

My affirmations:

I am torturously unbeatable, unforgettable, irresistible & irreplaceable

I am always chosen, come back to, and fallen deeply in love with

No one compares to me

No one holds a candle to me

I am the prize, I am the ideal

All the guys I want are deeply in love with me and want me a million times more than I want them

I am the most wanted, confident, magnetic, irresistible & irreplaceable person in the world

Please take this as a sign to:

Not stress about what you are affirming, when it comes to self-concept it doesn't matter how many you have. Just soothe yourself and become who you want to be

Stop stressing about your desires and start focusing on yourself. The rest will just fall into place.

Take your focus off things external from you. You only want them because you think they will make you happy. If you just focus on making yourself happy, then you will naturally manifest the desires that will contribute to that happiness.

I was spiraling and stuck in a cycle of picking new SP affirmations, reacting, back to square 1, and repeating. Since I began just focusing on self-concept, I've genuinely become the most confident, abundant, happy, and chosen version of myself ever.

Do I have moments of doubt and worry? Yes, I am only human. What do I do when this happens? I take a moment to acknowledge how I feel and listen to my body. I meditate when I feel like I need to rest my mind a bit (I like to use Dylan James' self-concept meditations on youtube - highly recommend! I also like to sleep with his meditations), or if I'm feeling up to it, I set a 10-20 minute timer and loop my affirmations confidently in my head.

I am currently feeling random waves of the old story coming up in my mind and dreams, and random triggers coming up in the 3D, trying to bring me back to my old identity, but I know this is just a purge of the old, because I'm certain I am just about to fully shift into this new version of myself.

I will update you on my progress soon, and hope this inspires you to keep going and just focus on YOU! You are the star, after all, no desire outside of you deserves your attention more than you do.

Also, I am finally opening up coaching again! I will be taking people at a much slower pace than before, as I literally get 100's of messages from different people and it can be hard to stay caught up as I do have a full-time job (and 2nd job) outside of this. If you need my help with anything, please reach out and I will do my best to get to you.

Due to the high volume of dm's for coaching that I get, I am considering finding a new way of approaching coaching, so stay tuned for that.

Sending love! 🧡✨

[shrinkthisviolet]

Here's my hot take of the day: people are wayyy too harsh on Nate + Andy's friends.

The worst thing they did, which I'll never excuse them for, is throw Andy's phone around and make fun of how desperate she was to answer it. That was a jerk move.

HOWEVER people act like they constantly did this, which isn't true! They did it once, and never again.

Yeah, they were upset that she couldn't make it to Nate's birthday. You know why? Because they're adults with very different jobs, and all my fellow adults out there can attest how difficult it is to find free time to meet up with a bunch of friends. They planned that in advance, got a reservation, etc. So yeah, they were disappointed that she didn't show. I would be too!

But they didn't make her feel bad about it beyond that disappointment on the phone. They went on being friends, being warm and friendly with her, etc. Even Nate didn't make a fuss over her missing his birthday, because he knew it was for her job! People say he was petulant about it, but uh...no, he wasn't. He was disappointed she couldn't make it, but he clearly understood, even complimenting how she looked.

Lilly finally ends her friendship with Andy because she sees Andy happily flirting with Christian at the gallery exhibition. While Andy's still in a relationship with Nate. Yeah, I'd be pissed too if I saw my friend flirting with another guy while still in a relationship! It shows how Andy's letting the job get to her head and change her—she's emotionally cheating on Nate! Even if Nate sucked (which he doesn't), two wrongs don't make a right.

Speaking of Nate...so here's the thing about him, right: he is supportive of her, by and large. She starts off the job complaining, spends a lot of time doing that...but he supports her goal to stick it out for a year and then move into journalism.

The only times he raises misgivings are:

When he sees she hasn't quit after the manuscript incident. Remember that this is the same day she called him and was talking about how she's going to quit and how it's for the best, etc. She sounded happier than ever on the phone, too. So...yeah, as her partner, he's excited for her to quit, to put herself first (remember, they've been living together. He knows the crazy unhealthy hours she's had to work. Especially since her dad knew and brought up these concerns, Nate probably has too). And he's disappointed to see she didn't quit after all, and is even working on the twins' science project late at night. She's still sacrificing her wellbeing for this job, that's a valid thing to be concerned about. Him saying "I liked the old clothes" wasn't about the clothes—it was about Andy. He missed the old Andy, who didn't wear herself out for a job that didn't seem to care about her

When he finds out Andy's going to Paris, even though that was apparently Emily's thing, and hasn't told him. It's been a while since she found out (a few days maybe?), and you'd think she would confide something that serious in him, especially since this is coming from someone who, until recently, has only ever complained to him about Runway. Yes, we know Andy didn't confide in him because she's already having a crisis of conscience as it is, but he doesn't know that, because she won't communicate. And beyond that, she's not taking responsibility for her choice to stay in this job despite what it's demanding of her emotionally, mentally, and even it seems morally—she was backed into a corner by Miranda, sure, but she could've chosen to quit Runway and go work at Auto Universe, her backup option. She chose not to. That was an active choice she made, and Nate's right, she has to own that choice. She can express regret for it, but she has to own it. She's an adult, her choices are her choices.

Anyway. I just figured I'd make this since I rewatched recently and realized that the friends and Nate aren't actually as bad as other fans of this movie make them sound. I used to think they sucked too, but...no, not really. We just think so because we know way more about Andy's situation than they do, but the fact is, they weren't so horrible given what little they knew about what was going on.