#and i'm very sorry for dyking them up. it will happen again

[raggedytiger]

*writes on chalkboard* i'm very sorry for making them look like reagan ridley and ms frizzle

[gingiesworld]

Love Is Fickle

Part 3

Wanda Maximoff x GN! Reader

Warnings: Angst. Fluff

Taglist: @username23345 @fxckmiup @marvelogic @dark-hunter16 @moistblobfish

Wanda had waited for a few months now to see when Y/N would return home. Although she also recieved a lot of letters, all dated from when Y/N had joined the military and dropped out of school.

Wanda,

I know that you're probably wondering why I am not there, hell if Vision has anything to do with it, you probably won't even notice I'm gone. But I had to leave Westview, I couldn't stay in a place I don't really belong anymore. My heart doesn't belong there.

I hate that I never really said goodbye to you. I hate myself for not giving you an explanation, but I hope that maybe one day in the future if we do cross paths again I would have the balls to tell you. Tell you everything.

I love you Wanda Maximoff. I always have and I always will.

Y/N Y/L/N

Wanda couldn't help the tears as she read each of the letters. Reading over Y/N's words which they most likely never intended for her to ever receive.

Wanda,

I came home for the first time since I left and I was kind of sad that I never saw you. I guess you're having the time of your life at NYU as you should be tearing that place up with your awesomeness. I wish I could have been there with you, although you probably know I lied to you about getting in. I know my mom won't ever be able to hold her own piss.

I just want you to know how incredibly amazing you are and you are destined for amazing things Wanda.

I love you so much

Y/N Y/L/N

She smiled at some of their words, laughing at some of the stories they had to tell her.

Wanda,

Nat told me about what happened between you and Vision. I'm sorry I can't be there to reassure you that everything will be fine, but everything will be fine in the end Wanda. You will find happiness again.

But the funniest thing happened to me that might make you laugh. The guys thought it would be funny to shave my eyebrows and now I look weird. I even posted a picture so you can have a laugh at it.

Y/N Y/L/N

Wanda laughed as she held the picture in her hands, tears falling as she couldn't really control herself. That was until she heard Peggy and Steve yelling.

"I can't lose you too Steve." Peggy cried out as she held onto his arm.

"I need to find them Peggy. They're our baby." He told her softly. "I need to do this. Bring them home."

"Please." Peggy pleaded with him.

"I will find them Peggy. I will bring them home." He kissed her before he left in the taxi. Peggy clutched at her chest as she cried as Wanda came running out.

"What's going on Peggy?" She questioned as Peggy shook her head. "Is it Y/N?"

"They've been officially declared MIA." She sobbed as Wanda held onto her. Tears of her own falling as all she had left was the memories she had shared in their childhood together.

"I'm going to marry you one day Wanda." 10 year old Y/N stated as the two played in the park.

"I can't wait Y/N/N." Wanda beamed as she kissed their cheek. "My knight in shining armour." The two chuckled before they raced for the swings.

-------

Wanda lay on her bed clutching her stomach, waiting for the painkillers her mom gave her to kick in. Soon to be greeted by a smiling Y/N who held an assortment of sweets, chocolate and soda in their arms.

"Your mom told me that you have got stomach pains so I thought we could watch your favourite show and binge eat." They beamed as Wanda smiled. "I also brought some heat pads." Wanda hugged them before she pulled them down onto the bed with her after setting up the Dick Van Dyke show.

"How do you know it's my period?" She questioned as she held up the countless packs of feminine products.

"You very rarely get ill and we are going through puberty." They told her. "Plus I may have done some research since I don't have a uterus and wanted to make sure you would be ok."

Wanda never realised how she had never noticed that Y/N had been in love with her, even before she started dating Vision. She was too oblivious to the possibility that she could have had something better than the mediocre love that she had with her ex.

"How stupid am I?" Wanda asked Nat as the two sat in her room. Mrs Maximoff was over with Peggy who was broken up. "If I had realised in that moment that I was in love with them, that they were my forever. They wouldn't be missing right now."

"Wanda, no one knows if things would have changed." Nat told her. "As much as they were in love with you, they looked up to their parents. Especially with their father being in the military."

"But." Wanda tried.

"I know you finally figured it out." Nat told her softly. "That's why they asked me to send you the letters they had written to you over the years, even the latest ones."

Wanda sighed as she grabbed the latest ones, looking at the one dated from the day after she went to their building. Opening it with care and shaky hands.

Wanda,

I'm sorry that I left like that, and I hate myself for it. I just hope that you can forgive me but I don't think I am ready to open myself up to you just yet. Even though I am still in love with you but I just can't because I am afraid that this is some sick joke.

I guess that maybe we can use this time apart to figure everything out between us, because I have missed you so much over the years Wanda. I hated that I never done all of the things we dreamt of doing together. And I want to make new memories.

I love you too Wanda

Wanda couldn't help but sob as she held their letter to her chest, Nat wrapping her arms around her as she cried loudly. Her heartbreaking at the thought that she may never see them again.

[kaddyssammlung]

The "no sense of self" BPD thing

and also me putting "Vessel" in there. I'm sorry in advance.

I just spent the past few hours reading through a book. I was jumping around in that book. Some books you don't have to read by starting at page one but you can kind of read a little here and there. That book was written by that guy where I buy my alchemistic substances from.

It's what he writes about the arts or artists that kind of stuck with me. He says that the arts have something to do with what I would translate as “a wounded inner child that needs to be heard”. We use art to deal with our pain. I agree with this. It's like giving this wounded child a voice so it can be heard.

So....why am I brining this up.

I've also been reading, and reading and reading about BPD.

There is this symptom of not really having a sense of self. Rather then having an internal feeling of who we are we rely on others to tell us who we are. “Being unable to define an identity on one's own and instead being dependent on interpersonal relationships to define one's identity...” (source). So well...yes I know. Which is why I often dress a certain way when I have to work or why I stopped cross-dressing. No one liked that and I got very strong reactions for it (it was at Uni and it happened a few times and they were always guys and idk...dear God....call me names all you want but don't call me stupid. Stupid dirty dyke that motherf. said to me....noooo I'm not angry. I understand his problem. I actually do kind of). If I had a sense of self then I would not care about these things. I mean those are extreme examples but they are true. I also noticed that I often wear certain jewellery when a certain employee is around that day because I know that she will give me so many compliments. I get dissapointed when she does not comment on it.

So I end up dressing up and not just putting clothes and I do that quit often. I just am not really aware of it but I am now. I mean I know all that but right now I am hyper aware of it actually.

How about you then also enter a stage and rely on everyone to cheer you and sing along or scream along or better yet cry along. Hmmm.....maybe dress up so much that you even put a mask on and not just a costume. And then act out a little. Smooch your bandmates and the crowd just goes feral.

Yeah so....I'm totally doing it again. I'm pinning my BPD on Vessel....well projecting it onto him actually.

I can understand all of this so well. I think I work in retail because it's a bit like being on stage in some way. Humans need me because they want to know something from me. I often use this "stage" to entertain them also. It depends on my mood.

Yeah so...I'm fine. It's January the first and I've been thinking and reflecting way too much, as you can see.

I'm sorry Vessel btw. I understand you on so many levels. At least it feels like I do or it seems that way.

[binalakai]

hey im kai! you can also call me roach, if you already know a kai in your life because i know how many noncis mfs are named that

im a 21 genderfluid filipino dyke with she/he/it pronouns, i occasionally post my art on @binalakarchive , where all my OCs (at least as much as i show publicly) and fandom art/cleaned up discussions go there. i also do commissions sometimes, best to contact me through that blog!! otherwise, i treat this blog like a neverending journal. i've grown up with it, and on god am i going to use it as such.

in a perfect world where i wouldn't need to establish boundaries, i would not even bother with a post like this, but the more people i follow/that follow me come across it's somewhat necessary soooo

DNI or like. BYF if you're not gonna listen to me anyway: (warning: it's long and text heavy. tldr; don't be weird to me, communicate with me like you would with a real life person because that's what i am, and we'll get along fine)

-basic dni huge bigot (racist, TERF/transphobic, homophobic, etc etc) stuff but if i catch that onto your blog anyway when you follow me i'll block you.

-if you post a lot of doomer stuff/are against mental health care in general, you best keep distance, honestly. its taken a long time for me to not open my wounds and delusions constantly towards the internet if it meant being valid in my mental illnesses. i'd rather not enter that era again.

-i dont get the whole "proship and antis" culture that happens, but for both sakes of people, if you identify with any of those things you might not like my blog too much. i love being critical and analytical of "problematic things", but i'll still discuss them openly n freely. dni if you'll be offended if i diss on ships/approaches to subjects that make me uncomfortable n find comfort in being critical abt it, and dni if you'll be offended if i diss on the idea that media with triggering topics should not have an outlet period.

-if you'll be offended if i block you out of the blue, doesn't apply to close friends/mutuals i just mean with randos who post takes i dont like or cause too much stress in tags i browse.

-if you're gonna get in huge trouble over seeing dirty jokes and crass humor in public you best not follow me. i try best to tag my stuff, but last thing i wanna do is have a stern talk about it.....which is why i also am wary about people under 18 following and will be a lot more liberal on blocking younger minors for their sake or people i assume won't vibe with me period

-if your parents have access to your social media and there's a chance i'll be DM'd by any of them. i dont wanna talk to any of your parents. if you have an issue with me, i'm more than happy to talk about things directly. (ESPECIALLY FOR BUSINESS RELATED REASONS LIKE COMMISSIONS. IT'S HAPPENED A LOT ALREADY DUE TO OTHER PARTY'S FAMILY CIRCUMSTANCES I CANNOT FUCKING CONTROL. STOP IT. ITS ANNOYING AND A PAIN TO HANDLE.)

-if you get too involved with online drama/disputes. i'm not going to reblog a callout for you. if you get even slightly bothered by that statement, do not get close to me period for the sake of boosting callouts.

-if you have specific niche triggers that need to be tagged. i try to do catch alls or basic ones, but i genuinely CANNOT keep track of all my mutual's blacklists. my mind will slip and id rather not put someone in danger/i wanna keep that risk very very low

okay thankies <3 sorry these are so specific, i just wanna be insane on the internet in the safest way possible

[clairelsonao3]

5 Comfort Films

Thanks for the tag, @mysticstarlightduck, whose post is here!

Seems like everyone's doing this one today, and since I seem to be doing very little today except comforting myself after an extremely stressful day yesterday, I might as well go for it. (And maybe then I'll watch them all!)

(By the way, I'm well aware that the newest film on this list came out in 1991, and I make no apologies for that.)

Criteria: Like any top-5 style list, I had to come up with my own very specific criteria, because I'm an obnoxious, pretentious nerd. That means trying my best to include different categories -- I could easily name 5 musicals or 5 Disney movies, but I won't. So it's one musical, one Disney, one romcom, one dramedy, one straight-up farce, etc. Second of all, Christmas movies could be a category all on their own, so those are all disqualified (check back in December). Fourth, no sad endings (sorry Titanic, Moulin Rouge, and Casablanca.) Fifth, I cheated by naming a runner-up for each one that falls into the same category. Sixth... I'll shut up now. Here's the list.

The Sound of Music (1965) -- Honestly, just about any musical could probably find a spot on my comfort list, but it begins and ends with this one. Slow-burn romance, breathtaking cinematography, and arguably Rodgers and Hammerstein's greatest score make 3 hours go by like that. Even when the Nazis come on the scene you're never seriously worried anything bad will happen. Runner-up: Gigi (1958).

2. Mary Poppins (1964) -- Yes, Julie Andrews again. She herself could be a walking, singing comfort movie. There are a million Disney animated flicks that could make the comfort list, but by mixing animation and live action to perfection, this is automatically the best of both worlds. Even hearing Dick van Dyke's horrendous Cockney accent is like wrapping up in a warm blanket. Runner up: Beauty and the Beast (1991).

3. Pretty Woman (1990) -- I was probably well into my 20s before I realized, hey this isn't just a movie I watch every time it comes on TV for no reason. I actually LIKE it. It's one of those movies. The lightest, fluffiest movie about sex work ever made. A self-acknowledged Cinderella story. Runner-up: Just Like Heaven (2005).

4. The Breakfast Club (1985) -- Even though Ferris Bueller is also great and obviously the more conventional choice for a John Hughes comfort flick, I'm going to go with this one. Yes, it's a bit darker, but it's also funny as fuck, which is kind of my thing, it involves forbidden romance, which, duh, and also has a surprisingly hopeful and upbeat ending. Runner-up: Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986).

5. Spaceballs (1987) -- I thought way too hard about which film should get the last spot on the list. If the musicals are rainy-afternoon-watch-with-your-mom-in-the-living-room kind of movies, this is a late-night-premium-cable-parents not-home-watch-with-your-brother-in-the-basement-and-laugh-your-ass-off kind of movie. Every time I lampshade myself in something I write (and I do that a lot) it's a nod to Mel Brooks and the classic satirical style of comedy he perfected. Runner-up: Star Wars Original Trilogy (1977 et al.) (I know, not the same genre, but it's the source material, so whatever).

Hmmm... I'll gently tag @starlit-hopes-and-dreams and OPEN TAG because I'm seeing everybody get tagged in this and I can't keep them all straight.

[moonstruck-midnight]

guess who's FINALLY back

so ik i was dead for a long time. sorry about that, can't promise it won't happen again, but hey! i got some better outlines for my wips and new directions things are going in :> so while i might've been in a bit of a creative coma, i'm slowly clawing my way back to the surface lmao

anyway! since it's been a hell of a long time: what's up, name's moony (or lune, if you're feeling formal), pronouns he/him or ze/hir, and i'm a fantasy writer!

the wips i'm focusing on are, at the moment:

wrong side of legendary: an urban fantasy work about a keith, traumatized former prince, cross, the rat bastard keith summons when he tries to do something for his roommate, and saying fuck you to the world and the people they were supposed to be. mlm, just a teeny bit spooky

red rise: soft sci-fi fantasy that the outline is worrying me with the projected word count of, oh god that's centered around kyra, a girl with a sun living in her chest, trying to save the universe from an empire that can never really outrun the destruction it leaves in its wake, and silena, her best-friend-turned-desperate-enemy who's the golden girl of the empire and owes her life and more to it. there are so so so many sad lesbians in this. i am not immune to sad lesbians and neither are you.

dark eyes (name under construction): tragic fantasy. levi is the town witch, and it's her job to keep everyone safe from the magical forest that surrounds them and, should it come down to it, the fae that live in it. this... does not go very well. one day, levi wakes up to the entire town having been overrun by the forest, and the townspeople either turned to wood or vanished. as she sets out to right this, she encounters branwen, a forest fae who will help her in exchange for one thing: her heart. i love them dearly, your honor.

and of course, the backburner wips:

elle is waiting (by the bodies of your gods): retired apocalypse-ender yis'sika and her wife rhoze are called upon, once again, save the world from— huh. it seems no one can really tell them. no one except a girl who claims to be from another world, and a young woman made of flowers who claims to be yis'sika and rhoze's daughter. no one trusts each other, but the clock is ticking. the statues have eyes. and elle is always, always, waiting.

black lightning: nova and zenith are vigilante partners who know and trust each other with everything in their fight against the corrupt system—everything, except their identities. this becomes a problem when nova, civilian name estelle, is scouted to become an intelligent, a once-human, now-machine enforcer of the law, and is brought into the glass palace—which, despite its name, is impossible to get anything in or out of. zenith, civilian name zhen, realizes that something must've happened, and tries to save nova from whatever fate has befallen her; a course that takes her to the glass palace. it may be the lion's den, but with the two of them working together, they might be able to strike at the heart of the power that's hurt so many. also they're gay. they're really gay. fluffy wlw superhero action (with just a teeny touch of the body horror. TINY)

unnamed wip (time travel sapphics flavored): fellas, is it gay to time travel to save the world? no? fine. is it gay to time travel to save your really really hot dyke best friend? THERE WE GO. wlw and happy for once!!!

unnamed wip (wild west flavored): an immortal necromancer wants to fulfill the natural order and die. a sunwraith cowboy, risen from the grave to have its justice—or is it revenge?—, wants to live the life stolen from it. i won't lie, i don't know much about this one, but it's gay and bittersweet.

postcard from the end times: this one's actually going to be a comic! fantasy story about a bunch of kids who go to trauma school and try really, really hard to win in a system that's trying to farm them for all the misery they can produce. spoiler alert: it doesn't work. so, new plan: kill the school and everyone behind it. salt and burn until the cancer's dead, and keep going until it can't claw itself out of its own grave. what's god to a shit ton of angry teenagers? killable.

woagh. that was a lot. anyway, love you all! good luck this year, hopefully it's better than the last ;;-;;

[illgiveyouahint]

hey so I probably should give more context

I am bi and that’s the first time I’ve been referred as a f*g hag. The person who referred me to that was a gay guy who’s a bit younger than I. If I’m being honest I really don’t like the word f*g or f*gg*t. I feel like it’s one of those words that no matter how much we try to reclaim it it’s not a good word. I feel like I probably should do more research into it because there’s probably some misogyny involved in that word.

I think you’re correct in saying what you said in my previous answer and if it happens again I’ll be sure to tell him but yeah - it’s tricky waters tbh which I don’t want to get into but I think you know what I mean.

I'm so sorry anon that it happened to you.

My experience with people who use the term f*g hag is that it's almost always privileged white cis gay men who will not use the word queer or lgbt but rather call it the "gay community" and "gay flag" and "gay bars" and "gay cinema". They have a very narrow understanding of the community and will claim that reason we have pride is because of gay men. They've never really known or cared about anyone who isn't a potential sexual partner and so they have never seen a lesbian film or anything with a trans character. They tend to be biphobic and transphobic and also indeed misogynistic. They will call you straight and want a prove of same-sex attraction if you correct them on your bisexuality. They will then proceed to call you lesbian even if you again correct them. They will tell you that you're just a lesbian who hasn't yet fully came out yet and that your bisexuality is just a stepping stone. They will ignore man's bisexuality and get angry if said man is attracted to a woman. This has been my experience at least but it seems to be a particular set of person. I have yet to meet anyone who'd use this word in a reclaiming or positive sort of way.

As for the word f*g itself it's difficult. I personally don't like it and would not use it but I do know some people who will occasionally use it in a reclaimatory way. I think it's up to each individual (at least for now - there are words that are by and large reclaimed and are not considered slurs like the word queer). I would never use the words on others but what they choose to call themselves it's up to them. Like I know plenty of lesbians who use the word dyke as a self-identifier and I know roma people who identify as "cikán" (g*psy in my language), I have a trans friend who jokingly refer to herself as a "tranny" from time to time but for her I think it is sort of a self-deprecation and I do want to talk to her about it. Nevertheless I think one shouldn't really be using the word on others and if you connect it to the word hag it makes it automatically have misogynistic connotations.

[katnissgirlsmakedo]

I've never seen season three so PLEASE tell me about luke like why was he even there was rahim not already enough.... too much even. also generally i need ur stance on s3 because I fully thought he ended up w rahim I mean thank god he didn't but now I'm curious what the whole season was like. also I need ur stance on gay lake because I know that's what u wanted at the very beginning but no lake and felix is sooooo fucked up. all I remember about him and pilar is that it happened they were so boring 🍅🍅🍅

the season was.... interesting.... epic highs and lows fr. i know they only introduced luke to be like. well see victor isn't just obsessed with benji because he can't let go of his first relationship see we gave him another relationship!! and then i understand not doing that with rahim because the situation with victor and rahim was like, kind of mean to rahim and i actually liked rahim in this season when he had a little romance plot of his own and he and victor were just friends it was cute this is how it was meant to be.... but like thank fucking god victoe and rahim didn't end up together i cannot imagine the stress of waiting for season 3 after that stupid ass cliffhanger. like i think the season really just wanted to show how victor and benji were still supposed to be together because at every turn they always come back to each other and that was sweet but um. i wish there were not so many turns. and epic lows. like. benji's dad telling victor to stay away from benji because he thinks victor is what made him relapse... did we need this. like really did we need it. could they not have gotten a damn break…..

and lake…. literally when i started the show i was like woah lake is kind of a dyke! and then her and felix started being INSANE and i was nvm forget i even said that!! and then they didn’t forget and they really really took it to heart. which. yeah of course she’s bisexual but like why couldn’t she have still ended up with felix anyway… i liked them… her and what’s her name were BORING. they gave nothing…. actually that’s not true they gave slightly more than felix and pilar. and like i feel so bad for not supporting the one dyke relationship on the show but like i can’t betray my values… (toxic hets enjoyer) lake and felix were so much fun and they loved each other and made each other happy and it’s so sick and twisted that they got broken up just to be in boring poorly written relationships with underdeveloped side characters. sorry pilar. but like if they wanted felix and pilar to slay they should have built it up more. it was so nothing. and i can’t believe she was mad at him for caring what her dad thought about their relationship like pilar you know felix doesn’t fucking have a dad and sees yours as a father figure can you have a little understanding. and i HATE the brothers best friend trope sooo much!!!!!!! like this is either going to result in a breakup so acrimonious he’s never going to be able to be friends with the rest of the family ever again or they’ll have to get married someday. and even then divorce is imminent because they’re like not even compatible. whatever. i don’t care. (it’s eating me alive).

[noisydiary]

aftermath

☾ | once again adding on the whole prom thing, but adding the note here instead of at the end, since it's kind of important to read first! check it here!

Jess pulled her keys from the ignition, tossing them in her pocket as she hopped out of her car- letting off a sigh as she walked up to the front door of Video Video. At the very least, she could sink into her work- dig into the madness of Bonvini and his movies… and forget what happened here last week.

In all honesty, a lot happened since Prom night.

Jess was right in her thinking. Prom news was as Prom news is; a flutter of noise across the school that couldn't be silenced, no matter how much the teachers asked students to settle down. Some kid broke a foldable table after falling over into it, the stoners out back got yelled at by Mr. Fest and were told to cease and desist- but, of course, one of the hottest pieces of gossip was… well…

That the precious little student council president got her first kiss stolen by a dyke.

Everyone saw, after all. Yet, Gloria stuck to her promise-- she's surprisingly loyal, once you get to know her-- she kept her word for Jess, using her position as 'little miss popular cheer captain' to sweep away the truth of the incident.

…The truth…

Something that Jess had been avoiding all week. Yes, she was the one who acted first- yes, she and Faith talked about it… Sort of. And yet, walking up to the store, a little itch in the back of her mind warned her- if she walked in now, then she wouldn't be able to avoid the conversation anymore.

Wait.

Me avoiding the conversation? Isn't Faith the one who dodged away from it? What does it matter anyway? Maybe Faith isn't even here.

The little lies she told herself settled in as she pulled the door, reassuring her that nooo, it wasn't her, she's just- Worried for Faith and her reputation. That's all. That's it.

She took a moment before cracking open the door. A simple in and out should suffice- enough time to run to the back and grab her notes on their 'case'. Granted, more of her notes were back at home, but she kept a few here just in case…

The canned music played over the shop's PA, joined by the hum of all the TVs around the joint that really only played shitty B movies. Jess slinked inside as the bell rang with the door shutting behind her- and she started through the shelves before she heard someone speak, "Hello! Welcome in, feel free to ask if you need any assistance finding anything."

…And a chill ran down her spine as she recognised the softness in that voice- sweet and light, yet all the more warm as she got louder. She put her hands in her pockets as she peaked out from the shelves, seeing Faith behind the counter with a smile.

Fuck.

A beat after, Faith's smile fell for a moment, as her eyes blinked open and widened. Jess rubbed her neck and started muttering, "Heyy…"

Faith cut her off, her smile beaming, "Jessie!" as she hurried around the counter and moved up to Jess' space.

"Heyheyy! I'm just- Here for some of my stu-"

That same smile fell again as Faith's expression grew colder, her lips pressing together as she glanced off to the tapes, her voice softer and stern, "…Can we talk?"

Jess felt as her lips tightened, her teeth gritting as she looked to the back room, "…Is Leo here?"

Faith nodded, "He's sorting returns right now, so…"

"That's fine, I just- don't want him kicking me out… Kinda meant for this to be a short vis-"

"I-i know you did, but… well… I- we, I think… We really haven't been able to talk, and… I thought- I figured- I mean… I didn't think you'd want to talk at the meeting with everyone else, and-"

Jess raised her hand and gestured off, "Faith, you're rambling."

"…sorry…" Faith's gaze turned down to the ground as she bit her lip.

The chill that ran down Jess' spine earlier eased as Faith's attitude sank in- today, and the days before…

"…no. No, that's- it's fine, Faith," She rubbed her neck again, "I'm- sorry for pushing this on you."

"Pushing it on me?" An earnest note of confusion traced the words Faith said, looking up to Jess with furrowed brows.

"I mean, yeah? Of course…"

"…Jessie…" Faith pulled her hands back, rubbing her wrist as she figured out how to say the words in her head, "…I said last week- I- I've been thinking… a lot. Not even just now, or after that night… I mean… Of course, I- I've been wanting a prince all my life, someone perfect and, and… But- I don't know I just…"

"It's okay- it's- You're fine, Faith. It's okay to be confused and stuff. I fucked up, I'm sorry. I- pushed you into something you're not ready for, I get that-"

"I think I am, Jess."

The words fell from Faith's mouth, and yet they didn't register for a good minute- before Jess bit her lip, "I- don't think you are, Faith. I don't-"

"I've-- I've been writing about this kind of thing for months, Jessie- About… about being happy with someone like this, not just- hoping for some prince to show up and save me."

"Writing about it, and doing it are two entirely different things. And- God, doing things like we did last week can't happen-"

"Why not?!" Faith's words shook as she spoke them, carrying a force behind them Jess hadn't heard from Faith in a long time. "What's wrong with wanting a kiss from someone I like?! Hoping all night I'd get one from her- and when I do, she's so scared of touching me, like I'm a porcelain doll!! I want to be happy, with a love of my choosing that I am comfortable with, that I like-"

"Faith-"

Faith continued anyway, frustration in her voice as she tightened her grip on her wrist, her empty hand balling into a fist, "I mean, really, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with wanting to like someone?"

"Because what we like is wrong, Faith!"

Those words didn't fly over well, as Faith snapped her attention to Jess, fully looking into her eyes, "…I don't think it's wrong to want to be with someone, and to not have to hide away in my house if I want to be with them."

"Faith… I- The world isn't like that. It's not like your movies, or your books, or your writings. It's not like a princess could fall for her maid and be with her, and the world is all happily ever after. We- it's not okay to just be like normal couples, and do the things they do, because we could get kicked out of school for it. We could get sent to therapy, or put on medication, or sent to a camp, or-"

The anger in Faith's voice ebbed away as she softened, looking away as beads formed in her eyes, "…I thought you didn't care what they thought…"

"I don't-" Yes, you do- "I'm more than happy liking you, liking girls, just in general- both sides are attractive to me, I don't care- but… Not everyone is okay with that. This isn't just- doing what will piss someone off, or being socially defiant. Being like this," Jess gestured to herself, then to Faith, "So much worse could happen than just a slap on the wrist. It could ruin you, Faith. Ruin your whole life-"

Faith's bottom lip quivered a little as her shoulders shrank up, "You don't think I know that…?"

"…I-"

Before Jess could finish, Faith shook her head softly, "…then maybe I was right-- That- that this… this is just- A test. All my… everything- my writings and- and everything else," biting her lip so as not to bleed more information than she should've, "…I- don't want this…"

"Faith, no- that's not…"

"I'm- No! No… Jessie… I don't- I just don't think I can be like you…? I- teasing, and everything else… that's okay… but… Hiding all of this? From you, from Leo- from my mom and dad- I- I don't think I can do this any longer… I thought after what happened, that- if we just- if we just talked, that things would be okay! That things would clear up, and I- I could be honest… But… I-… I don't want to have to hide my whole life just to be happy with one person…"

Jess let off a sigh as she moved to take Faith- her hand to hold, or to pull her for a hug… But the beads hanging on her eyes fell as she finished speaking, and she shook her head softly as Jess reached out. Her hand pulled back as she gently pressed, "…you think this is a choice?"

Faith turned her head away sharply at those words, staring to the shelves. The two stood quiet for a bit, as Jess let the question sit on the air- before a heavy thud on the counter snagged both of their attentions.

"Heyy lovebirds-" Leo called, though Jess glared towards him, getting him to stiffen up, "Woah, woahh, damn Jess-"

Jess turned her head back to Faith, who had brought her hands up to her cheeks to wipe them dry, "…I- should… I should get back to work…"

Faith turned on her heel and walked back to the counter, quietly taking the box from the counter and leaving to put away the tapes inside. Jess, on the other hand, watched as she walked away, all of the words she had to say were caught in her throat… Leo cleared his throat after a moment, and Jess took the hint. She backed up through the shelves and left, the bell ringing as the door shut behind her.

…She didn't show to the meeting that night.

[butch-bitch-dyke]

Some Stuff(tm) about the MOGAI Wiki but not what you're expecting

(I was not involved in... whatever the fuck Kris did and left before that happened, I am bewildered.)

Hi! I’m not sharing my name, though you might be able to guess. Refer to me as "butch" or "dyke" and use it/its pronouns.

I used to be a MOGAI coiner, centering on pagan, lesbian, and Latin identity. I also used to be an extremely prolific editor for what is now the Mogai Wiki (the Ezgender Wiki, when I was an editor), writing 40+ full pages and editing possibly 200+. And I left because of transmisogyny. Fun.

At the time, the wiki & Discord didn’t have a single active transfem mod. The only mod who is maybe transfem was extremely inactive to the point I’d never seen them post anything in the server. This remains the case, apparently. (Can't say I'm shocked the owner left due to being overly defensive given the incident this post is about.)

The server was also very, very absent of transfems. I think there were maybe three of us total that I saw.

So, the incident that caused me to leave:

One of the (at the time) admins messaged in a chat asking if it was okay to identify as [transmisogynistic slur]. Said admin was transmasculine. A member (who is prominent in the MOGAI community) linked a Wiki page I wrote on the term, that explained extremely clearly with sources why [slur] should not be used by non-transfems. And was seemingly used to say “yes, it’s cool.”

I entered the conversation and politely asked if they actually read the article. They had.

I then said that, since they knew better—and since their first time fully deciding to use the term was after knowing better—using it would be extremely transmisogynistic.

They did not like that.

I was accused of erasing gay male history. They tried to convince me that I was wrong about the term’s origins. They refused to even at least censor the word on request if they were going to continue saying it. When I said I was the only transfem present and was being ignored which, bad look, [prominent community member] said I wasn’t. I… definitely was. I knew all the people involved were transmasc or transneutral, because I knew them personally. I was told I was doing “discourse” and ordered to stop speaking on the issue by (again, transmasc) mods.

So I muted the server for a few days, because that experience was fucking degrading.

When I finally looked back on it, i found [different transmasc admin] had pulled me in a ticket, and warned me for “biased articles” and “hateful language.”

The biased articles? [Slur]. Obviously. And one article on the black triangle that was at worst biased towards not erasing Roma experiences regarding the Holocaust, which had been up for months (and read by mods) with no prior issue. That article was from November. This issue was in January.

The hateful language? A message from the week before reading “cis people are cancelled, men are cancelled, transmascs are cancelled, this is so transmisogynistic” when explicitly speaking about transmisogny regarding [slur] a week prior. Which, I’m so sorry that I hurt your feelings by generalizing when calling out bigotry that you immediately turned around and perpetuated. Point proven for me, though. (If you “not all men me” on this I swear I will bite your legs off.)

I then found that [transmasc owner] had rewritten the entire page to almost entirely be about gay and trans men. They removed my transfem primary sources. They removed the definition’s source and didn’t bother sourcing a new one. They watered down every place I mentioned it was a transmisogynistic slur to downplay or fully erase the term’s history as one. The majority of historical context I provided was deleted without replacement. To be clear: [slur] is an equivalent slur to tr-p. Like. 100%. Which is part of what my sources discussed.

The only transfem sources they included? Naturally, transfems saying it was totally okay because “we all experience transphobia” and “the gay and transfem community are really close,” which is just… extremely ignorant of history and also definitely a minority opinion in the transfeminine community. The slur is transmisogynistic. Not transphobic, not homophobic, not femmephobic. It is a slur against specifically AMAB transfems & trans women.

So, naturally, I was fucking pissed.

I may have written a very long, very angry reply, as one does when implicitly accused of ‘tranmisandry’ for calling out transmisogyny by a transmasc. Essentially, it was pointing out the issues I said above. Then I left.

For a few days I did not unfriend the moderators. I never blocked them, and they can easily find my Discord and Tumblr. It’s been four months with no message or apology, and last I checked the page is still what the former owner "corrected" it to, so I don’t see how I could be expected to believe the wiki or people involved changed.

Currently, only two mods for the wiki were there when I was a member. Only one of said mods was involved in the issue. So I’ll give the new mods benefit of the doubt.

But yeah, you guys wonder why you don’t see a lot of transfems active in the MOGAI community? Why every wiki seems so devoid of us? This shit is why.

You all are only against your idea of transmisogyny, not committed to protecting transfems. You hate TERFs more than you love trans women.

You can’t stop talking about how TERF ideology is just as bad for transmascs when they literally want all transfems murdered—yeah, they hurt transmascs a lot, but they’re killing us. You can't stop trying to make transmisogyny about you. You refuse to analyze transmasc-specific bigotry through any lense other than comparison to transmisogyny.

If you get told to stop using one slur, get a little uncomfortable, feel like we’re being too mean? That “allyship” goes straight out of the window.

You’re more averse to speciesism than transmisogyny. You’re more upset by “kinnie” than by [slur].

Maybe treat us like you give a shit, and fucking listen. Then you might realize that, hey, this community isn’t just transmascs and enbies, and it never has been.

(on the slur censored in this post:)

[Slur], which some might have guessed, is femboy. While transmascs and gay men use it… a lot, now, it originated in the 90s as a sibling term for trap, but even more sexualized. As in, it literally came from the same discussion boards.

The main difference, and why the f-mboy is even more sexualized, is that since they’re not “deceiving” men, they can have very visible bulges. This is also why the term is extremely pornographic, reclaimed or not, and minors really need to stop throwing around.

Frankly, the whole queer men "reclaiming" it has made it way fucking worse. Conflating a slur calling trans women men with queer men is extremely fucking gross. "Reclaiming" other communities' trauma and erasing them from the discussion is gross. (And, no, "I wan't a term with history" isn't an excuse when that history is the sexualization, trafficking, and murder of trans women. Want historical terms? Scroll down.)

The movements formed around it are cool. Yay feminine men. But the use of the slur is still violently transphobic even if the culture is nice.

It feels a bit too late to stop completely at this point, but the least you (and the MOGAI Wiki) could do is not actively spread transmisogynistic misinformation on the word.

If you're looking for alternatives that don't fuck over transfems, consider:

Lavender boy - Much more history within the gay community, and more of a connection to queer men than f-mboy will ever had. Referring to a feminine queer man/masc. 1920s

Rosboy - A modern equivalent to the exact definition of f-mboy used by queer men/mascs, but this time the definition used is accurate to the term itself.

Tomgirl - Opposite of tomboy

Femme - Literally just femme. We've had femme the whole time. Just use it

Femme man, masc, guy, etc. - See femme

Make something up, or do your own research! Both are definitely options for anyone

Also, yes I have sources on all of this, I'm just not posting them publicly because I would be immediately outed if I did. If anyone involved/in the Discord wants to back me up without saying who I am or showing my user/nickname, feel free.

[plokoonsdisapprovingeyebrows]

ok i'm back with another LIP-related Transformers question. In the event that there are LIPs on Cybertron, what kind of structures do you think they'll form? also, tangential but related, how do you see the weathering of LIPs on a Cybertron with radically different weathering ...i cant remember the word but the things that make it do that. Like, iirc there's no water on cybertron, so water-based weathering Just Wouldn't Happen, etc. How do you think that would change the way it looked?

also djfhlg sorry for presenting this like a high school essay question but genuinely i am SO curious and i love hearing about LIPs

[rubs dirty fly hands together]

In the event that there are LIPs on Cybertron, what kind of structures do you think they'll form?

There are a lot of options! :D

Dikes & sills - magma gets into cracks within the crust and solidifies into a sheet-like layer. If the magma follows the plane of existing strata, squeezing between layers, it forms a sill. If the magma cuts across layers, it forms a dike/dyke (US vs Brit spelling strikes again). Often you'll find lots of them associated with a single magmatic event - that's called a dyke swarm or a sill complex.

Lopoliths and laccoliths - like sills, but bulgy.

Batholiths - intrusive masses of igneous rock larger than 100 square km in area. Sometimes they're much bigger.

Cybertron's planetary interior, per Aligned, has a lot of hollow structures that go very deep. I think these are a natural conduit for rising magma to get to the surface. Depending on magmatic composition you might end up with an interesting thing where the tunnels are flooded but the surrounding metallic crust doesn't melt, so you end up with a magmatic cast of the tunnel network.

On the surface, if you have nice liquid magma, more mafic in composition, you'd get the layered flows that build up thick plateaus and weather into stepped terraces. Columnar jointing is a distinct possibility. If your magma is more viscous, you might get lava domes. If you have large-volume explosive eruptions, chances are you'll get tephras from ashfall and ignimbrite sheets from pyroclastic density currents.

how do you see the weathering of LIPs on a Cybertron with radically different weathering ...i cant remember the word but the things that make it do that. Like, iirc there's no water on cybertron, so water-based weathering Just Wouldn't Happen, etc. How do you think that would change the way it looked?

Water is the major driver of erosion on earth, so if you take that out of the equation, you immediately slow things down a lot. Water causes both physical and chemical weathering - for example, feldspars break down to clay. Snow and ice break rocks and grind them down to flour. Liquid water is also good at transporting and sorting eroded material. If Cybertron has no water, it probably has very little in the way of sandstones and mudstones.

(I tend to go with Cybertron having some water in my headcanons, but not nearly as much as earth. Mainly because I fuckin love dramatic erosional landscapes lmao.)

Aeolian (wind) erosion does account for some weathering, it's just not as good at it. Heating and cooling cycles can cause fracturing in rocks, as can simply unburying them - if a rock is formed under certain pressure conditions and then the pressure gets way lower, it's probably going to expand a little. That can cause interestingly geometric jointing. :D Gravity itself also imposes a limit - create a slope too steep for the ground to hold itself together and some of it is just gonna collapse.

In general, all of this is going to be as true for any igneous provinces as anything else on Cybertron. If there's oxygen, there'll be oxidation eventually. At some point I'll look up my silicate weathering notes and think about how Cybertron's shitty pseudotectonics fucks that up lol.

[iamknicole]

Birthday Party

Family Ties

Haleigh tugged at her dress and huffed. They were waiting for one of Ardian's parents to let them in for his sixth birthday party. Switching his gift to the other arm, Kandice looked over at her daughter.

"Girl, what are you doing?" She asked laughing.

"Didn't wanna wear this. Can't play in it."

"Yes, you can. That's why you have shorts under it, Hae. You'll be fine."

"Nah uhn," she sassed stomping her feet. "Daddy say I ca' wear shorts."

"I don't care what your Daddy said, Marie. Cut the attitude or we're going back home." Kandice chastised softly.

Haleigh folded her arms just as the front door opened, revealing Ardian's mama.

"You must be Haleigh and Mrs. Reigns. Come on in, the birthday boy has been waiting on you."

Haleigh smiled and stepped inside the house. Just as she was about to take off running, Kandice pulled on one of her ponytails.

"Don't you dare run off without speaking and you know we dont run inside anyway."

"Yes, Mommy," Haleigh said softly, "Hi Ardi's Mommy. You very pretty."

Tasha laughed. "Hey, Ardi's friend, call me Ms. Tasha. Thank you, you're very pretty too. I like your dress."

Haleigh held the ends of her dress out, smiling widely. "Tank you, Ms. Tasha. Can I go pway?"

"Go ahead. Everyone else is outside with Ardian and his dad."

"Oh, here, Haleigh. Take his gift with you."

Haleigh took the gift bag and pulled it along with her and out the slide door. Both moms hugged and talked with each other.

"I'm so glad to finally meet you. My son went from complaining about Pig Tails everyday to telling me how him and Pig Tails did this and that," Tasha laughed leading her to the sofa.

"I know what you mean," Kandice laughed, "Except Haleigh was telling me that Ardi was mean to her but she didn't care cause she liked his hair. She said that he was gonna be her friend if liked it or not."

"And Lord knows my baby does not do well with bossy or other people. But he likes your girl."

"And she likes him. She fussed at me as soon as she saw me pull that dress out of her closet."

"Why?"

"Because she said that she couldnt play with Ardian in a dress. She said that she had to dress like a boy to play with him."

Tasha frowned a little as she laughed. "Why does she have to dress like a boy?"

"Apparently the other boys in their classroom told her that boys and girls can't play together."

"Ardian said that? He knows better, ima get him birthday or not."

"No, no," Kandice said loudly. "It wasn't Ardian that said it. The other boys did. But Hae took that as she had to look like the boys when they're around their classmates."

"Oooh she knew the other boys would be here so she wanted to wear shorts."

"Right!"

The two mothers talked a little longer until they heard Rezar yelling both of their children's names. They shared a look then went to the backyard. Rezar was holding Ardian in one arm and Haleigh in the other. Another parent was holding two other boys.

"What happened?" Tasha asked loudly.

"Jeremy and Nick pushed Pig Tails out the jump thing!" Ardian yelled trying to get out of his father's arms.

Kandice went to grab Haleigh from Rezar and took her inside to clean her up. She wasn't upset, she just didnt want Haleigh getting upset all over again.

Turning to the other parents, she looked for the two boys' mothers and found them sitting on her patio furniture talking and laughing. Sucking her teeth, Tasha went over to them.

"Excuse me."

They continued to talk.

"I said, excuse me!" They frowned looking up at her. "Are you two not watching your bad ass kids?"

"Nick is not bad! Dont talk about my kid."

"And neither is Jeremy! Your child is the bad one."

"First, dont do that. Don't put that on my baby. Hes a lot of things but bad isn't one of them. However," she sassed folding her arms, "Your children are. They pushed a little girl out of the bouncy house."

Nick's mom rolled her eyes going to grab her son from the other parent. She left without another word to Tasha. Jeremy's mom went and got him bringing him by Tasha.

"Jeremy, did you push that little girl?"

He sucked his teeth and Tasha had the urge to pop him.in his mouth. Just as he started to explain, Kandice came out the house pulling Haleigh with her, anger all over her face. Rezar mumbled under his breath and followed her still holding his son.

Kandic pointed her finger in Jeremy's mom's face. "Your little bad ass son better apologize to my daughter. NOW!"

"Chill, okay. He's gonna apologize." She hit her son's shoulder. "Apologize. Now. And mean it."

"Sorry for pushing you out the thing, Haleigh."

"No, that's not what you need to apologize for. You know what I'm talking about," Kandice fussed.

"Both if you need to chill," his mom said pulling him away.

"What did he do?" Rezar asked starting to feel a headache coming.

"Tell your mother what your lil bad ass called my baby."

"I ain't call her nothin!"

"Yeah he did! He call Pig Tails a dyke! And that's not nice!" Ardian yelled trying to get down from his father's arms.

Jeremy's mom gasped and looked down at her son. Before any of the other parents knew it, she had popped him in the mouth making him cry. "You do NOT say things like that to anybody, Jeremy! That is not nice! Where did you get that from?"

"My daddy said that girls that wanna play with boys and act like boys are a dyke. That's what she is!"

"No, my daughter is not. Ardian is her best friend. Now apologize to my daughter," Kandice spoke firmly.

Jeremy sucked his teeth again. "But they both hit me and Nick! They gotta say sorry too!"

"They should've done more than that," Tasha yelled going to rub Ardian's head.

"I'm so sorry he did that, Kandice. And I'm sorry about what I said about Ardian, Tasha. We're gonna go. Bring your lil bad ass on, Jeremy and I'ma beat your ass when we get home."

The party went back to normal, the kids went back to playing and the parents went back to talking. Ardian and Haleigh sat on one of the patio chairs together.

"He's stupid don't listen to him, Pig Tails." Ardian mumbled.

"If you don't wanna be my best friend you don't gotta. I know I'm not a boy and I can't play with you guys."

Ardian shrugged. "I don't care that you a girl. You my best friend, Pig Tails."

Haleigh stuck out her pinky, "Promise?"

Tasha and Kandice smiled watching their children lock pinkies.

"Those two are something else," Kandice said shaking her head.

"Right. Fussing one minute, playing the next, fighting other people and then being cute. How long you think we gonna have to put up with the two of them?" Tasha asked laughing.

"I got a feeling we're gonna be putting up with them forever."

[traumaticexperiences]

anonymous: i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.

so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical.  Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely).  didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile.  at least a year probably.  But was this physical abuse?

aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper.  Calls us all names.  When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard.  I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes.  I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something.  She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times.  Same w my brothers.  But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too.  but I think that’s a newer development.  Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit.  I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower.  I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.  

Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual.  It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”.  She wanted me to just try being with a boy.  I never have and never will.  After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting.  But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.

Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too.  I don’t like makeup much.  I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever.  I just brush my hair, that’s about it.  This always upsets my mom.  My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup.  She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc.  In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.”  I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so.  I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more.  But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me.  I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t.  My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now.  I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).  

But I’m not perfect.  I forget things a lot.  Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it.  Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it.  Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough.  It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc.  It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.  

And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her.  She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need.  I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.  

It’s like, I know she loves me.  And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good.  But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college.  Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again.  Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me.  And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me.  But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms.  So I guess it made her temper even worse.  When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while).  But she didn’t.  But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).  

Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious?  My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm.  I get kinda anxious just thinking about it.  The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh.  But it never escalated.  They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.  

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago.  I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk.  I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me.  That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest.  My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it.  I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for.  Or at least that’s how it seems to me.  I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it.  Any advice on that front?  I’m sorry this got so long.  

It would be nice if this is anonymous.  But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous?  Thank you.  And thank you for running this blog.

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yes, what you're describing is abuse! grabbing you, and punching strikes as a really hateful and cruel physical abuse, only a person who really wanted to hurt you would do such a thing. Being called names also comes from a hateful place, and it can hurt so much when it comes from a parent, because they're not supposed to hate you, they're supposed to care, calling you names shows that they didn't care at all, they saw you as something that is there for them to hurt. Presenting your sexual orientation as something hurtful to them is so cruel and vicious, they wanted you to feel horrible about who you are! As if something is wrong with that! I'm really glad you never want to be with a boy. Calling you names for merely being who you are is really hurtful, again, something she does only to harm you. Hatred over your appearance is also something really abusive and crushing, it can affect you really deeply that people can hate you merely because they don't approve of the way you look, and that's terrifying, even more when it comes from a family member. She made you feel like she'd rather have someone else for a daughter, merely because of your looks, that is just too cruel. It doesn't matter if you're perfect or not, you haven't deserved this kind of abuse, someone who cares about you would never do any of those things, because they shouldn't think that you deserve to be hurt. Helping you calm down and bringing you medicine are such basic things, it's really not much, even if it means much to you because you don't really get much affection so even the smallest gesture can feel like love. You deserve more than that. Your mom is abusive and a few basic things she does can't change that. I don't believe a person who hurts you that badly can truly love you and care about your well being. You can't just love a child when you feel like it, and then hate it when you feel like hating it. That's sick. It seems you recognized the cycle of abuse and you know what's going on. I'm glad you're so bright and know a lot of things are wrong. You are scared of her. You're anxious in arguments. She's obviously capable of hurting you a lot, and you know it's not safe for you around her. It's really painful to live around a person like that, and you shouldn't be subjected to that.Probably the most scary thing is how she pretends nothing happens, minimizes the pain she caused to you and tries to excuse her actions and gaslight what you know happened. That kind of psychological abuse can drive a person crazy, and you shouldn't be put thru that, just for the sake of her getting away with it.

[traumaticexperiences]

Anonymous:i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.

so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical.  Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely).  didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile.  at least a year probably.  But was this physical abuse?

aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper.  Calls us all names.  When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard.  I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes.  I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something.  She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times.  Same w my brothers.  But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too.  but I think that’s a newer development.  Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit.  I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower.  I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.  

Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual.  It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”.  She wanted me to just try being with a boy.  I never have and never will.  After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting.  But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.

Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too.  I don’t like makeup much.  I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever.  I just brush my hair, that’s about it.  This always upsets my mom.  My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup.  She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc.  In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.”  I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so.  I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more.  But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me.  I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t.  My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now.  I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).  

But I’m not perfect.  I forget things a lot.  Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it.  Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it.  Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough.  It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc.  It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.  

And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her.  She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need.  I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.  

It’s like, I know she loves me.  And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good.  But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college.  Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again.  Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me.  And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me.  But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms.  So I guess it made her temper even worse.  When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while).  But she didn’t.  But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).  

Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious?  My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm.  I get kinda anxious just thinking about it.  The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh.  But it never escalated.  They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.  

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago.  I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk.  I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me.  That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest.  My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it.  I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for.  Or at least that’s how it seems to me.  I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it.  Any advice on that front?  I’m sorry this got so long.  

It would be nice if this is anonymous.  But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous?  Thank you.  And thank you for running this blog.

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yeah your mom roughly grabbing your arms and shoulders and slamming you against the wall and punching you sounds terrifying, the fact that it didn't leave marks and bruises just shows that she wanted to hurt you, but didn't want any proof of it left over that could be used against her. it's horrifying. It is physical abuse, and even if it lessened it's likely because physical abuse is used to permanently keep someone scared, intimidated, and obedient, being abused this way in the past is enough for long term consequences, so they don't even have to hit you in the present because your body remembers abuse from the past and is ready to obey them in order to avoid more!

Name calling is abuse, and being told to drown in a shower was basically telling you to die, holy shit, that's horrible! I'm glad you got some comfort afterwards, that's really traumatic.

Refusing to acknowledge your sexual orientation and then using it as an insult is crazy abusive, it sounds like she really hated you and everything you are. Also that is a lot of abuse just over your appearance, the worst is comparing you to others as if you're inferior or something to be ashamed of, it's awful! It's severe emotional and psychological abuse, and it's no wonder you were doing your best not to cry, and still don't feel like your appearance is good enough. You're in the right here, not wasting your time to adjust your appearance to how others would prefer is good! looking the way you feel comfortable is the best decision for you, and your mother had no right to dictate it or to shame you for it, you're a human being, and that matters more than your appearance, and anyone using your appearance to imply that you're less is dehumanizing you, and negating your worth as a human.

You don't have to be perfect in order not to be abused, and even if there were some times where she wasn't abusing you as much, it just means she is able of not abusing you, but she still abused you all the other times. Not abusing you or being nice to you for a short while is absolutely no excuse for abusing you the rest of the time. She sounds really terrifying and it's dangerous to believe she loves you, i don't think someone who cares even slightly about your well being could ever hurt and abuse you this much.

For abuse survirors it is common to get scared and anxious when getting into arguments because in the past you were taught that arguing risks abuse, risks someone accusing you of provoking them or being at fault because you didn't just do as you were told. After that, even if you were in a civil argument it would be scary. Your brain gathers all information about arguing and if there was danger in the past, it expects danger in the future, and sends out warnings and anxiety whenever you have to argue.

It's hard to ever be over someone who you love and trust shoving you against the wall. It's terrifying to just know that person is capable of that, of wanting to hurt and scare you that much. And your mom is gaslighting you and pretending it didn't happen because she knows it was abusive and cruel, and she doesn't want to deal with consequences of that. I'm glad you're questioning everything, and you don't have to consider what your mom has to deal with, this is about you, and how your mom affected you, and what is the shit YOU have to deal with, because of her. You don't have to be counted on for anything, you're a human being, not a tool, not a robot, not there to be of service to others. You deserve good things even if you don't bring profit and good things to others. I don’t know about advices, but I hope you keep questioning your mom’s intentions and actions and do what’s best for you, regardless of what she wants. Remember your life belongs to you, and you do not have to live for her and her ideas of what you should be. If you feel you could be happier without her dragging you down and burdening you, try to get free. Good luck.