#and i've been in a bit of a funk so if there are messages i need to respond to i'll get round to them soon i promise

[feelbokkie]

hi

so i’m back, but not really

to make a long story short, my mental health has been in a somewhat steady decline for the past couple of months but it’s at its all time low right now. i've just been trying to not post about it online or make it too obvious because i know some people use the internet to run from their problems, not to deal with other people's issues and i wanted to keep this account as a safe space to run to

i privated all my side blogs (aka feelbokkie and my other accounts) because that’s the only thing within my control right now

but i also know that my writing and fics help a small army of you so i’m putting it back up because, just because i’m suffering i shouldn’t make other people suffer along with me

that being said, i’m going on an indefinite hiatus from writing and my accounts in general

i know i just started love in focus but don’t worry, i have the next few chapters done, as well as some other posts, and i’ve queued them sporadically so you can still have content for a bit. hopefully there’s enough to tide you over until i’m out of my funk

that being said, i’m sorry for scaring and worrying some of you. i promise it won’t happen again

i love you guys

(also if you message me or have messaged me, i promise i'm not ignoring you)

[zippidi-dooda]

"Hey, Buddy," You say with a smile as your blond haired companion opened the front door.

His furrowed brow and deepset scowl immediately shifted into a look of surprise as Kaveh saw you standing on his doorstep.

"Y-Y/N? What are you ... It's so late, why aren't you at home?"

You handed him a grocery bag and stepped inside, closing the door behind you.

"Ehh, it's been a while since we hung out so I thought I'd stop by. Plus, you've been so busy lately you've ignored all my messages, you feelin' alright?"

He let out a groan and hit his forehead with a palm, "Ah, Sorry. This last project has just been a bit much. I've been trying to finish it as fast as possible so I can just forget about it already."

You tied your hair up as you made your way to his kitchen, reaching for all the tools you'd need to make what may have been his only meal of the day.

"How did I know," you muse rhetorically. "Well, I'm sure you already know that's a bad idea, so c'mon, might as well take your break while I'm here."

The tired male ambled over, placing the bag on the counter.

"Thanks." He mumbled. "How can I help?"

You placed two glasses on the table. "I'll handle it. Just sit there and tell me what you've been up to," you lifted a large bottle of wine from out of the bag you'd brought with you.

A smile made it's way across his lips. "If I don't see to the end of my project after this, I'm blaming you."

***

A few of glasses of wine and two full plates of stew later and Kaveh was wide awake. The slouched posture and tried tone had been replaced by expressive gestures and loud declarations.

Seeing him back to his regular self made you giggle, mind hazy from the smooth red liquid running through your system, and you dopily hung on to his every word.

And Kaveh didn't mention his project the whole time, so your mission to help him out of his overworking funk was a success.

You leaned into your palm, lazy smile on your face as he continued his speech that you were partially paying attention to.

"You know for once I'd like to just cruise through life easy, right? No all-nighters, no deadlines to catch, and no responsibilities. Just the chance to enjoy the fine things in life, ya know?"

"You're almost there." You reassured.

He snorted with a roll of his eyes, "Yeah, right. You know better than anyone that's not true. It's gonna take years before I can get even a trace of that life."

"Well ... I think this is fun too. You'd get bored of the constant luxury. Having little moments to indulge yourself is probably what makes nights like this more enjoyable."

"... you're spoutin' nonsense."

You let out a laugh, tears coming to your eyes, and he laughed along with you.

"Ah ... I'm so glad I met you, Kaveh, you're ridiculous."

"The only thing that's ridiculous here is your haircut. I mean, seriously, it's flying up everywhere I don't know how you manage it," he grumbled, reaching out to pat it down.

In reality he was only making it look as he described.

"I rock this look, excuse you. Besides you look as if you just got out of bed since I got here," you countered, reaching over to muss up his hair as well.

You twirled the blond locks between your fingers for a while before your hand fell to his face.

He was warm, face flushed from the wine, skin smooth to the touch.

His crimson eyes locked with yours as you began to caress his cheek.

"... you're soft ... like a baby," you murmured beginning to pinch at his cheeks. "Widdle baybay ...."

He recoiled, reaching up to push you away. "Stap!"

You giggled, leaning over the table to reach him better. "Aw, c'mon, I don't have your flawless skin, I jus' wanna feel a lil' bit."

He immediately brought his hands up to cover his face. "Nuh uh!"

You began to coo at him, making him giggle as you tickled in attempts get him to lower his hands.

Soon, you had forgotten your whole reason for tickling him and continued on even as he moved to try and pry your hands away from his sides.

"St-stop! Haha ... I have to pee ...!" He breathed out, curling back into his chair.

You continued to giggle and laugh, neither of you noticing the soft clicking of the front door or the heavy steps approaching you.

It wasn't until you heard a deep, monotonous voice behind you that you noticed someone had entered the house.

"What are you doing up so late?"

You squeaked, banging into the edge of the table and stumbling out of your chair to hide behind Kaveh.

The blond was quiet for a moment before letting out a long groan. "Just enjoyed a nice evening for once, something I'm sure you wouldn't know about."

The man who entered took a glance at you, striking teal and red eyes not revealing a hint of what he might be thinking stopping you in you in your thoughts.

"I don't remember saying you could bring a roommate."

Kaveh scoffed, folding his arms and crossing his legs indignantly, "Oh, relax, they just came to visit is all."

The man looked back at Kaveh. "For your sake, that better be true," he turned around and headed off to his room, "keep the noise down or I'm kicking you both out."

Kaveh mouth off silently behind him in mocking.

You watched the man silently as he walked away, catching onto the way the tips of his ashen hair bounced as he walked and the jut of his muscles moving beneath the tight, black fabric of his shirt and the curves tracing down just under his spine ...

"Ugh, Alhaitham is the worst." Kaveh spat, sipping the remainder of his wine.

You went to sit back in your chair. "I've heard the stories ... hot as hell though."

Kaveh buried his face in his hands, speaking in a low tone so he wouldn't hear, "damn right."

You leaned forward to press your head against the table, hand reaching up to pat Kaveh's hair.

He looked up at you after a moment. "Y/N, why are all the cute ones such assholes?"

You shrugged. "Not all of them are."

He gave you a bored look, "really? I'll believe it when I see it."

"Mm ... you're not an asshole."

He smiled softly at you.

"... thank you." He took your hand in his, brought it down to his lips, and pressed a soft kiss to your palm.

"... what if you were my roommate? I mean, I'm sure we'd have hella more fun everyday. Plus, with you around I just might be able to tolerate that jerk a little more."

You chuckled. "Didn't he just shoot that idea down?"

"Forget that guy! It's high time I got my payback on him. Besides, as long as we mange to get rent in on time he won't have much to complain about."

"Pretty sure that's not how it works"

Kaveh sat up straight, holding both your hands in his now, and scooted closer.

"Move in with me please, save me from this misery."

It took a moment of hazed contemplation for you to nod along.

A tired smirk made its way across your lips, "Got the paperwork lyin' around?"

[whumpbug]

HELLO!!! IT IS HERE!!! SCARAB CREW INTRO FIC!!!

i'm sorry it took so long guys i've been in a bit of a funk these last few days BUT i really wanted to post this!! i have much more planned for them but i am trying to pace myself because i've been struggling a little bit!

this also counts for early whumperless whump event day 23: well, that doesn't taste right @whumperless-whump-event (allergic reaction / anaphylaxis)

word count: 2507

see this post for info on the scarabs crew!

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

In hindsight, Hari probably should have told the team his allergies to start.

There just wasn’t a convenient time for him to do it. It felt weird.

He already felt their judging eyes on him because he was human. Humans weren’t necessarily looked down upon, but it was quite the common consensus that they had more biological flaws than most other races.

This was, of course, made worse by Hari’s precarious condition. 

Introducing himself as the human missing a leg with a blood circulation disorder, an inflammatory lung disease, and food allergies was not something Hari imagined would get him much in the way of respect.

So, he stayed quiet.

After all the introductions and mission briefings came and went, everyone retreated to their respective rooms to settle in. A message over the intercom told Hari that Nyla, the pilot, was going to start making dinner.

He supposed now could be a good time to mention it. He remembered how to get to the kitchen, and Nyla should be in there cooking already, but Hari had just taken off his prosthesis. He didn’t feel like going through the trouble.

Besides, what were the chances that, out of all the things in the galaxy, Nyla made something Hari couldn’t eat.

An hour came and went before Nyla’s chipper voice came over the intercom once again.

“Food’s ready, everyone! Come on down to the kitchen!”

Hari perked up. Now that he thought of it, he was hungry. He hadn’t eaten anything more than protein bars and yogurt cups since the initial launch. An actual meal sounded wonderful.

He grabbed his crutches and began making his way to the kitchen. 

As he walked through the halls of The Scarab, he couldn’t help but feel a bit astonished. Just a few days ago, he was on his home planet, Earth. Then, he was shipped off to Asto’is. Now, here he was, floating in space with a group of strangers towards countless unexplored territories and potentially dangerous star systems.

What a story he was going to have to tell.

He arrived at the kitchen and quickly saw he was the last to do so.

Captain Nieven Alaric, the Asto’isian, was sitting at the head of the table, typing away on his detpad. A cigarette was held loosely in his free hand, and he brought it up to his lips with a deep inhale. His brow was furrowed, like he was trying to figure something out. 

Zel, the Huelxcan, was sitting towards the middle of the table, but her entire body was tensed up. She looked terribly awkward, like she’d rather be anywhere but there. Her gaze remained trained at a spot on the table, but upon Hari’s entry, she lifted her head. Hari met her eyes on accident and flashed a small smile, and he could have sworn she snarled at him.

Vinny, the Z’edin, was sitting opposite to Zel, but they looked significantly less uncomfortable. On the contrary, their knees were pulled up to their chest with their own detpad balancing on top. A peek over their shoulder told Hari that they were reading.. a scientific article? On biochemistry? For fun? That was perhaps scarier than the Huelxcan staring daggers at him from across the table.

And finally, indicated by the soft humming from the kitchen, Hari caught a glimpse of Nyla plating the final dish with her back turned to him.

Hari hadn’t seen many Haryen in his time. The race preferred not to make too much contact with the other PAGE territories, so seeing one out in the open felt odd.

Still, Hari didn’t need to know much about the race to know their signature trait—large crimson wings on their back with a span almost longer than their full height. Hari also didn’t need to know much about the race to know that this particular Haryen’s wings were not paradigmatic of her people’s.

Nyla’s wings were small and curled tight against her body. The muscles in them looked atrophied and shriveled, and even the way they moved with her body seemed off.

Nyla didn’t offer much of an explanation. She simply stated that she was born differently and left it at that. She didn’t owe anyone an explanation anyway; Hari figured. Still, it was not something someone saw every day.

Hari finally took a seat beside Vinny and rested his crutches against the edge of the metal table. Vinny’s gaze flitted to him before coming back to their detpad.

Hari risked another glance at their screen, and saw that not only were they finished with the first article, but they had moved on to another longer one. Hari had to ask.

“What’cha reading about?”

Vinny’s ears flicked at his voice. “Botany.”

“Botany?”

“Mhm. The first planet on the course is a forest planet, so I wanted to brush up.”

“I see—”

“Do you know much about botany? You’re the medic, after all. Figured you’ve at least taken some life science classes, but I don’t know how much time the curriculum would have spent on botany specifically.”

“Well, I was in highschool when—”

“I guess if it was a general biology class, the content would be broader, so you probably spent a little bit on each subsection. Still, I think botany is underappreciated. There’s so much to learn about a planet based on what kind of flora thrives in it.”

“I agree—”

“Plus, it can tell you so much about culture! Your planet, for example, has such a diverse ecosystem with so many different biomes. The different ways your people use the plants in each area is fascinating!”

“Thank you?”

“Not to mention—”

“Dinner is ready!” Nyla chirped, padding into the room with plates precariously balanced on her arms. Hari silently sighed in relief.

Nieven set down his detpad immediately and stood up to take two of the plates from Nyla.

“Thank you very much for making dinner, Nylath... Nylathrania.”

The syllables sounded clumsy on the Captain’s lips and a slight flush creeped up his cheeks at his fumbling.

“Oh please, just call me Nyla. Nylathrania is a hard one, even back on Harye.”

Nieven cleared his throat. “Very well. Thank you, Nyla.”

“It’s my pleasure! What better way to welcome you all onto my ship than good food?” She smiled and set a plate in front of each person at the table before taking her own seat next to Zel.

Hari smiled right back at her and, he figured he could try probing about the ingredients. Subtly, of course. “Yes, thank you, Nyla. This looks good! What is it?”

“Oh! I wanted to start with something pretty universally liked. It’s noodles with a darzel nut sauce, wozoik leaves, and some poultry from Earth! It’s pretty simple. I didn’t want to try anything too wild on the first night.”

Vinny, finally, lifted their head from their detpad and faced Nyla. “You took the meat out of mine, right?”

“Mhm!”

Vinny’s tail swayed slightly and a slight smile overtook their face. “Thank you, Nyla.”

Hari suddenly felt very stupid. If the kid could let Nyla know about their dietary preferences, why couldn’t Hari? 

Still, it was fine. Nothing she said was on his allergy list. He’d just let her know after this meal and everything would be fine.

Nyla picked up her fork. “Well, dig in everyone!”

And with that, they did.

Zel sniffed the food experimentally and swirled a forkful of noodles onto the prongs of the utensil before lifting it to her mouth. The usual scowl on her face lessened greatly and she turned to Nyla.

“You made this?” She said softly.

“...I did. Why? Is something wrong with it?” Nyla almost looked sheepish.

Zel said nothing. She simply turned her face back down to her plate and began scarfing down the noodles.

Vinny was following suit, tail swaying freely as they forked mouthful after mouthful into their mouth.

Nieven was a bit more polite. He ate slowly, and in small bites, but the enjoyment of the food was written all over his face in the way his eyes shone.

Alright, now, Hari needed to try it.

He scooped some of the noodles onto his fork, took a bite and—wow. If this was the kind of food he’d be eating for the next few years, he had no complaints.

The nutty flavor of the sauce was light and fresh, enhanced further by the aromatic greens. The chicken was juicy and flavorful, and the noodles were cooked to perfection. Hari’s eyes nearly rolled back into his head. 

Nyla swallowed a mouthful of food and tapped her finger idly on the table. “So... How is everyone feeling about the trip so far?”

Vinny perked their head up. “So far it’s been interesting. Your ship is really cool. I can’t believe you fly it yourself.”

“I do! She’s my pride and joy.” She turned to Hari. “You’re somewhat of an aerospace engineer, right? What kind of ships have you worked on?”

Hari startled at his name and glanced up. 

“Me? I’ve worked on a few. I worked mostly on airplanes, though.”

“Oh? So a bit different, then?”

Hari nodded and opened his mouth to respond, but found that his tongue didn’t move the way he intended it to. It felt tingly, like it was swollen in his mouth. He furrowed his brows.

“Sorry. I just— My throat feels weird.” He swallowed convulsively. 

Nyla tilted her head and leaned forward to get a better look at him. Zel followed suit, sharing a glance with Nieven.

“Are you okay?” Nyla asked.

“I’m fine... I’m...” Hari swallowed again as an abrupt wave of nausea had him clamping his mouth shut.

Nieven suddenly turned his gaze to meet Hari. “Hari? Are you sure? You’re quite... flushed.”

Hari nodded and scratched at the side of his neck. Stars, when did it get so itchy?

And then it occurred to him. The way he was feeling—the way it felt like his throat was swelling and the way his skin felt too hot for his body—stars, he was allergic to the damn food.

Of all the foods in the galaxy! This delicious meal was one his body decided was a threat! He would have groaned if he could.

Instead, he let out a vaguely choked whine and clawed at his throat, desperately pulling at his collar to get some air. Hives were starting to break out along his arms and shoulders rapidly, and the heat was searing.

Everyone was staring at him now. Even Vinny, who had set their detpad on the table, was in a hurry to get a proper look at Hari. 

“Hari?” Vinny questioned. 

They stood and leaned over, scrutinizing his face. They looked like they were racking their brain for something. Hari truly hoped they were as smart as they came across, because he wasn’t sure he had the faculties to explain what he needed. With their knowledge on Earth and biology, they were probably Hari’s best bet.

They suddenly jolted with thought. “Anaphylaxis! Allergic reaction! That’s what's going on, isn’t it? Your symptoms match!”

Bingo. Hari nodded frantically, pulling in a wheezing breath. Shit, it really was getting difficult to breathe. He needed to do something—and fast.

“Allergic?! Why didn’t you say something earlier!” Nyla shrieked, practically leaping over the table to reach Hari. “What do we do?! You’re the medic!”

Hari wanted to tell her to relax and that it would probably be fine once he got his epi-pen, but he could quite literally feel his airways shrinking and he figured that might not be true for long.

Vinny tapped away on their detpad before whipping their head back up. “We have to give you epinephrine, don’t we? Where the hell are we going to get that?!”

Hari vaguely gestured to the bedrooms, hoping someone would get the hint. He had a small bright red first-aid kit in his luggage, left out in the open. Never had he ever been so grateful for his disorganized unpacking.

“On it,” Nieven muttered, racing toward the hall. Hari tugged at his collar once again, wheezing desperately. It felt like his head was going to explode now. He was sure he was quite the sorry sight with how red he felt his face getting. Not a very good first impression.

Finally, the captain came sprinting back with the little red pouch. He all but threw it onto the table and ripped it open, before realizing he had no idea what he was even looking for.

“Epi..pen..” Hari managed to rasp out, doubling over when another awful wave of nausea overtook him. 

Vinny watched Nieven frantically search for a few more moments before grumbling and lunging over to snatch the pouch from him. They procured the item immediately and began to read over it.

“It’s a needle?”

Hari nodded, wondering why that mattered. He didn’t care if someone had to cut his other damn leg off to get the epinephrine in him—he just wanted to breathe.

Vinny uncapped the needle and hesitantly crouched beside Hari. They were moving at far too leisurely a pace. Hari shot a weak glare.

He would have done it himself, if he could. It’s just that his hands were numb. He could barely lift his arm, let alone have the dexterity to administer it properly. Maybe he should start having his epi-pen with him for every meal. Stars, his head was spinning.

“I can’t do it!” Vinny cried, suddenly pulling away.

“For fuck’s sake—” Zel plucked the pen from their hands, skimmed the directions, and plunged the needle directly into Hari’s right leg with no hesitation.

Hari had never been so grateful in his life.

In just a few moments, Hari felt his breath starting to come easier. He slumped back against his chair and gulped down sweet, sweet oxygen.

No one said anything for a beat. And then, Nyla smacked the back of Hari’s head.

“You idiot! If you’re allergic to something you need to tell me! What was your plan if we didn’t get the epi-pen in time?! I would have been responsible for manslaughter!”

Hari blinked. “I didn’t know I’d be allergic to it.”

Vinny stepped in and crossed their arms. “But you have existing allergies, yes? I could have done some research on how similar the food was to your allergens. Darzel nuts, for example, are remarkably chemically similar to peanuts.”

Oh. That explains it, then. Hari felt a blush creep up on his cheeks. He said nothing.

Nyla let out a soft hmph and pointed a finger at Hari. “After we clean up here and I make you something else to eat, you’re going to sit down with me and make a list of your allergies. All of them. This won’t happen again.”

Hari could tell she meant to be vaguely reassuring, but with the way she said it, it sounded like a threat. He gulped and nodded.

Vinny let out a soft laugh that doubled as a sigh of relief. “Welcome to the expedition, I suppose.”

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

[finniestoncrane]

Just out of curiosity, does turning off anon mess with or delete the anon asks you already have? Or does it just prevent new ones? I haven't been on tumblr very long so i'm not sure how that works lol. Anyways, i'm so sorry you keep getting this horrible treatment from anons. It really sucks that people use anon as a shield to say whatever they want to whoever they want with no consequences. If it's any difference, i'm pretty confident most of them are trolls, especially the anon attacking you about autism and hating kids or whatever. Because there's no way someone could possibly be so dumb. Do whatever you have to do to eliminate that stress, and take care of yourself!!

i don't think it does at least!! i've still got all my messages and all my requests are fine too!! so it's just preventing new anonymous messages from being sent u-u i'll be turning anon back on at some point, but i just need time to recover. i need time to build up my supply of kindness and to get myself out of my little funk.

i don't care what kind of intrusive thoughts anyone has, they shouldn't be judged for them because they are unwanted compulsions and not a reflection of their character or morals. but to be very honest, the intrusive thoughts i was having the day i got a shit message about them were mostly around harming myself which i know would hurt my family, which is why i felt so shitty. and it's why i sort of spiralled a bit because i was already not in a good place. and then to get an ask the next day basically accusing me of gatekeeping autism and saying kids were terrible (i literally do not mind kids, i am ambivalent towards them at worst, at best i am excited to be an aunt) was just enough.

so sorry to hijack your ask but this is mostly to say: there are consequences, even if anonymous people think there are none!! you literally have no idea how the person behind the account is feeling. i consider myself particularly strong, i've been mentally ill for some 31 years and i'm so lucky to have a decent support system and to be able to get medication and therapy. someone else might not have fared as well as me with that kind of treatment. no one wants to be responsible for someone doing something terrible to themselves

but anyway!! i am feeling ok, i am feeling safe without the anon option for now, and i'm glad to be back to trying to post and write as normal u-u

[katsu28]

hi friends,

i'm so sorry, but i'll be taking a break from tumblr for a little while. my mental health has been in the toilet for a long time now and usually i'm able to cope pretty well but these last few weeks have been honestly quite Terrible. i've been so low on energy lately and just very exhausted and burnt out from school, work, life, etc etc. (the hits start coming and they never stop coming, you know how it goes)

on top of that i've also not had the motivation or inspiration to write anything lately, and everything i have written i feel is total shit. i have a handful of requests i was working on that i'm putting on the backburner for now, so if you sent one in i apologize for not writing it! if i can shake myself out of this funk i'll take another stab at them but right now every time i look at my wips i start to feel overwhelmed, which is something i hate bc writing is supposed to be fun </3

but i promise i won't be leaving forever! hopefully i'll be back very soon, but for now i think i need to step away for a bit to get my shit together. i'll be cycling some old works through my queue and occasionally i might reblog some things but for the most part i probably won't be here all that often. still feel free to tag me in things, shoot me a message or an ask about anything your heart desires, i'll respond to them to the best of my ability when i'm able to, but if i don't i promise i'm not ignoring you!

i love you all very much, i'm so grateful for you all, and i'll see ya when i see ya <3

- kait

[ovaryacted]

Alright, I've officially caught up with all of my asks, y’all won’t have to see me on the timeline spamming like that again for a while LMAO. If you didn't get a response to something you sent me, I either deleted it or just thought I couldn't make up a good answer to what you wanted (which is okay it happens don't take it personally). Everything else though, I've finished and I will probably keep my ask box closed for a bit longer cause I need to decompress after answering all of those messages lol. I appreciate every one that did send me a message, so thank you to everyone who did that, they were fun to respond to and helped with the writing funk I’ve been in.

I may or may not take a little break from Tumblr, just to recharge cause I really don't want to burn out but I just want to invest my creative energy in my writing and in things I want to release like my series, so I will prioritize that. You may see things changing on my page as I work on a theme change and editing things as I go. My master list looks a bit different too, I unlinked that Miguel O’Hara fic I wrote months ago (still on my ao3) and Chris Redfield now has his spot so yay. Just some housekeeping that needs to be done but I will work on that later.

Anyway, hope you're all doing okay and Happy Easter to those who celebrate. 💐🫶

[jasperyourmutt]

hi puppy !!! i just wanna send you some lovin today <3 i see that you're having a bit of brain funk and im so sorry sweet boy :( i wish i could scratch away behind your soft little ears and whisper so many kind words into them while i cradle you in my arms i'd love to tell you what a handsome, strong, good boy and give you lotsa gentle kisses and just let you be sooo puppy for me while i take care of you and spoil you and help you feel good you deserve it and i hope you feel a little better and do something good for yourself today .... i've been wanting to say hi but i'm a little shy so i think i will send some anon stuff now and again !!!

-✨

Ah hh h hhhh h thank you so much shy wag wag wag 🥺 nuzzling and leaning my head on you. Phantom foot scratching when you scratch behind my ears. Being taken care of sounds… amazing

I’ve been just trying to rest and do as much as my energy allows which has just been laying in bed and watching Kitchen Nightmares (Gordon Ramsay brings me great comfort in my time of need) which I think is all I really needed to do today.

So glad you said hi wag wag wag. This was a very sweet message and I appreciate it very much <3

[daisynik7]

hello darling wife<3 i’m assuming that by the time you read this it’s morning or afternoon, if that’s the case i hope you slept well and had a good fill of breakfast and fluids to start, unless you don’t eat breakfast:) i have arrived for my bi-weekly(?) delivery of love and kisses for my pretty, pretty wife 🥰

one day until friday and then we have the weekend, whether or not you have plans, i hope it’s well spent ...cuddling me, duh. and nanami.  here’s a reminder to do something extra nice for yourself today, and tomorrow, and the day after:) and of course bundle up, blankets in the dryer, and have some hot cocoa. my brain’s been kind of slow to process the change in seasons and colder weather conditions, and it’s just now starting to hit me lol. 

i hope your spirits are kept high even with the colder weather, but if not it’s okay too! <3 i’d very much appreciate it if you’d do for yourself what you wish upon others. tend to your innermost needs, spoil yourself (i will accept no counterarguments 😶), and if it doesn’t financially compromise you, just do it. with work, social life, and this hellish app:/ i hope that in the midst of everything you find yourself and your needs a priority of utmost importance 🫶🏼

my sincerest apologies if the words are not wording, this just reeks of chaos and randomness it's 5 am and my bilingual brain has been brawling with itself lately and my English is actually starting to deteriorate 🫠, i’m also sleepy (i told you your wife is a sleepy girlie, it’s literally morning lol)

anyways I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE THE PRETTIEST, SWEETEST, WIFE with THE PRETTIEST BRAIN WITH LOTS OF GROOVES AND SQUIGGLIES (i briefly read somewhere that the more texture, the smarter??? idk 😃), i’m saying it again but im so proud of you, even if you just woke up, you’re doing well! 🥹ok bye snookums have a good day! <3 

accurate representation of me rn, need wifey and nanami cuddles asap 😤

snookums! my precious angel, my most decadent sweet! sorry this is a late reply! I've been out all day, but I'm back now, ready for your cuddles! I usually drink iced coffee as my breakfast in the morning whenever I'm working in the office, but tomorrow I wfh, so I may treat myself to a home cooked meal of some sort :)

I treated myself today! I went out with a friend for dinner and we shared chicken karaage, okonomiyaki, and takoyaki! here's pics of it to whet your appetite 😋

we also got boba and chatted in the car for hours, so it was very nice to catch up! I imagine this would be a typical date for you and I, indulging in delicious food, then some sort of dessert after. ♥️ and of course, snuggles to end the night!

make sure you bundle up too! it's been very cold where I am and I have finally broken out the hoodies and sweaters. don't forget your fuzzy socks and beanies (if you wear those)!

thank you for always reminding me to be kind to myself! I've been in a bit of a funk lately, but seeing you in my inbox is a huge help, more than you know. also, please never ever apologize because you are so eloquent and I'm always in awe after reading your lovely messages to me. 🥹 I hope you were able to get enough rest today (you were up early/you stayed up late!), but if not, I hope you can use this weekend to do so.

ahhhhh you are SO PRECIOUS. I'm the lucky one to have you! I love you so so much, thank you for always being so good to me, so sweet, so kind, so absolutely lovely in every possible way. going to fall asleep soon, dreaming of you and nanami, the two most precious loves in my life!! have an amazing weekend snookums!

also this pic is very much an accurate representation of us, don't you think? 😘

[television-bodies]

fic writer tag game

thank you for the tag @palmviolet ! love things like this. blessings upon you and all your sheep

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

five! my ao3 account is but a baby

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

63k. in approximately ten days this is going to jump by ~15k so perhaps i should have waited to do this tag but alas. impatience

3. What fandoms do you write for?

currently only les mis. so many themes to explore... so many characters to sink my teeth into... so many dynamics to look at and so many situations into which i can drop people...

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

i mean. this is going to be all of my fics but here's the ranking

suckerpunch

visiting hours

restoring the balance

tech week

the two sides of monsieur valentine (the perils of rarepairs)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!!! i love comments. fuel. life blood

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

well. there's a major character death marinating in my drafts, yet to be unleashed

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

currently all of them have pretty happy endings, which is something i'm sort of trying to change because i'm starting to get a little bored of writing that all the time. sorry. scared of getting myself into a funk! all things considered though, it's probably tech week. those final lines were in my head from the very start of the fic, and with the whole christmas vibe... yeah. that one, i think

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not so far! hoping that will not change!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

not as of yet and i can't see myself doing so if i'm honest but i'm also a big believer in never saying never because i don't know who i am (or more importantly, who i will be). so. not at the moment. but in ten years maybe i'll look back at this and laugh. you know

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

again, not as of yet! not a full crossover, with characters from each thing intersecting, anyway. i've got some AUs for les mis that are specific to other interests, but nothing closer than that.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i don't see many fics in the les mis fandom getting translated at all anymore! the fandom is so lovely but it's definitely quieter than it has been in the past, so it doesn't surprise me. i'd love for it to happen, but no, not yet.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nooo. i like the idea of it, if there was someone i think i worked well enough with -- but i don't know anybody over here well enough for that yet, i don't think. i am currently bad at messaging people/interacting on any level deeper than reblogging posts or commenting on their fics, which is really something i should work on. open to the possibility though!

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

enjolras and grantaire, oh my god. living in my brain for goddamn YEARS now. years upon years. with that said, i do have certain Feelings about them -- maybe i'll go more into detail with this someday on some other post but really i think that the way they're done in canon is kind of perfect, which is why i don't write canon era fic for them. there's nothing i can do to that that would make it worthwhile, to me. but putting them in different time periods or situations? ohhh yeah

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i've got bits and pieces of a les mis AU for the BBC series race across the world which i am still sort of attached to but can't see myself doing anymore, purely because writing the logistical parts of how the race etc functions in that show was boring me, and i don't want to be bored by something that i'm doing for my enjoyment. but maybe i'll do a post at some point laying out the main plot points if anybody's interested because i do still like the concept

16. What are your writing strengths?

probably still nailing this down, if i'm honest. i like descriptions.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i always think i'm not great at dialogue, but i've been told the opposite, so who knows! i think my issue with it comes more from wondering where the conversation should go/what should go in the middle of two points i want the characters to make, rather than making it sound realistic. i think i'm fairly good on the realism front.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

occasionally i'll make characters say the odd phrase in another language, but nothing more than that. i'm not fluent in any language other than english, so unless it's something i'm sure of in spanish i think i'd just be worrying if the translation is correct, which isn't worth it to me (and there isn't much use for spanish in what i'm currently writing lmao)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

fanfiction dot net days are ones we do not talk about... a haze in my mind... banished to the darkness... but i actually do know the answer to this -- it was dracula, for some fucking reason. (i know the reason. but i'm not sharing)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

i'm quite fond of suckerpunch, just because i think it's sort of speedrunning my personal exr manifesto, but i don't know! seriously no answer to this! taking that as a good sign: maybe my favourite is yet to come.

no pressure tags go to @pumpkinspice-prouvaire @sereendy @shamedumpster and anybody else who wishes to do it!

[ruegracieuse]

this is random and a little embarrassing but i was curious about ur blog so i read a little and then was charmed by the way you write and express yourself and found myself relating a lot to how you have described your relationship to creativity, to the daunting challenges by the actual praxis and being a midwife to one's own creative visions and dreams and i hope you have cultivated and realized more of your courage in actualizing your ambitions as i can already tell they would be delightful to experience and witness ! I hope life is being kind to you 🤍

Hi! Please don't be embarrassed - this message is so lovely! I've been in a bit of a funk today and it sounds silly but reading this really made the clouds break a little bit :-) I really love the way you express yourself as well, this message is so well-written and the beautifully written. I love the phrase 'midwife to one's own creative visions' - it is really true that fostering and sustaining both creativity and courage is a delicate, ongoing and often exhausting task, but one of the most precious things we can do.

As far as realising courage in my own life is concerned - there are so many ways I've been wanting to till and sow and raise the seedlings of my own creativity. I want to learn how to knit, I want to do my watercolours more regularly, but most of all I want to share my writing. That last one absolutely requires the most courage, and the most work - I'm pretty good at regularly writing little snippets in my notebook or on my phone, but I am desperately shy about sharing them. I also want to build short stories rather than keeping things as little creative micro-pieces or paragraphs. But perhaps beginning by sharing some of my small, off-the-cuff writings will help.

I'm in the thick of applying for PhD programmes at the moment, which I do think is a creative venture - all good scholarship I believe requires just as much creative thinking and practice as it does analysis. Contacting scholars I admire and asking if they'd like to supervise me and pitching my idea and growing it into a fleshed proposal has required a little courage, so hopefully I'm not fully failing myself on the courage side of things - it's just taken a slightly different form than what I was anticipating. This message is a little spur to put myself out there in the areas I care about, too - it really is so lovely, and so humbling, to think that someone else out there enjoys the way I have thought about and expressed something.

I hope life is being kind to YOU, and have a lovely day/evening, wherever you are <3

[therecordconnection]

Ranting and Raving: "New Guru" by Vulfpeck

Did you ever hear the one about the eight guys that walked into a sauna all wearing silly red hats? So, these eight guys all walk into a sauna and then they start playing funk music...

That's the closest thing to a punchline that I've got.

If you're unfamiliar with Vulfpeck, let me catch you up to speed real fast. They're a funk outfit founded in 2011 by multi-instrumentalists Jack Stratton and Theo Katzman, keyboardist Woody Goss, and bassist Joe Dart. They had a meteoric rise through their impressive musicianship, humor, and cleverly shot and edited music videos on Youtube, most of which are just captured performances of the band playing their songs in what looks like your grandmother's living room (see: their video for the song "Dean Town".) Over the years, they've added to their roster with guitarist Cory Wong (not to be confused with the Vulfpeck song "Cory Wong") alto sax player Joey Dosik, and sometimes lead singer Antwaun Stanley. In their time, they've released several EPs, six albums, and a live album of their sold out show at Madison Square Garden back in 2019. In short, they've been groovin' for quite a while and their status as funk masters is nothing to scoff at.

On November 25th, 2022, after a roughly two year hiatus and a slew of side projects featuring the various members, the Vulf pack finally reconvened–with the aforementioned silly hats and in a sauna of all places–and began posting videos of them playing songs that would eventually be found on their latest album, Schvitz, which was released on December 30th. They are all worth your time, but one song on the album in particular gripped me the first time I heard it and is still just as wonderful after the three-hundred and eightieth time. That song would be "New Guru."

This song has claimed the top spot for my favorite Vulfpeck song and it's the one I plan to use to introduce people to this group for the rest of time.

Contrary to what you might think, the haze you see in the video (posted above) isn't coming from the sauna. It's actually from the heat coming off the groove of this song. Everything about this just hits. It's groovy, it's funky, it's fun, it's got a bit of disco in there that makes this fun to dance to. It's got all eleven herbs and spices and even some of the ones they don't tell you about. It's tight, it's concise, it's utterly fantastic and every single member of this band once again reminds you why they're some of the best out there right now.

I think it's appropriate that this song came out when it did (December 8th) because that's around the time everybody starts seeing an onslaught of corny social media posts that talk about all the changes and possibilities and good things people are manifesting for with the start of the new year. Most of those end up being complete bunk and I'm aware of that cynical view. We make New Year resolutions we know deep down we're never going to fully commit to keeping and after about a week into January the excitement of the new year dies away and we settle back into the same old dull routine. Once more, from the top.

Then this song came along and rattled my cage. I heard this song for the first time and I threw that cynical view into the garbage bin. It was mostly based on the lyrics for this song, which are some of the best that the band has ever presented. The lyrics fit the overall themes and ideas that you find creeping around at New Years, welcome and embrace the new, throw away and reject the old and broken. "I gotta say no no (no no) / To those old clichés / I gotta say go, go (Go, go) / To this brand new way." For a song on an album that came out two days before the ball dropped, I imagine the ideas presented on the song weren't lost on the band.

But it isn't just the lyrics that are great, it never truly is. To me, a song's message becomes great when it's in the hands of a performer that can really sell it. And Vulfpeck has that with their secret weapon: the stellar vocals and dynamite performance that Antwaun Stanley delivers on this track. Stanley has been the featured vocalist on many of my favorite Vulfpeck songs ("1612" and "Funky Duck" are two good ones that showcase just how good he is) and now I get to add his work on "New Guru" to the top of that list, because I'll tell you right now, he makes this entire song really shine.

This is the closest Vulfpeck will probably ever get to taking you to church. In a strange way, the sauna robes give off the look of makeshift church choir robes and Antwuan's delivery has the feel of an uplifting song you might hear in a church service... if that church presented music that was solely devoted to the funk. To me, the bridge and the third verse is where I get that vibe the most. Here they are in full:

When there's wrinkles in your sleeves You take off your shirt and you steam it When there's dishes piled high in the sink You get out the sponge and you start cleanin' All the menial tasks distract from the fact That there's a hole in your soul like a wall has a crack You put off the repairs, pretend they're not there And you failed to address the mess 'cause you're scared So you look for a source to carry the weight To lighten the load of a soul gone astray To wake you up and get you through the day To cut through the brush, show you the way

These lyrics are a bit silly and would sound dreadfully corny if left in the wrong hands, but thankfully, they're in Antwuan's hands. He presents these words with such authenticity, such genuineness, such love and care and grace that you buy what he's selling. I did the minute I heard it. The use of something silly like putting off household chores juxtaposed with all too real feelings of facing things head on and finding fulfillment in your life just creates pure magic. It's about seeking salvation and hopefully finding it. It also explains why people would get tricked into following false leads and con artists that offer nothing of real value. Everybody wants to be shown the way and find the answer to their plights, regardless of what they might be. If "patience has left you feeling miles away" or you found out you were lied to or you found that "hope is a fugitive that's on the run," Vulfpeck offer one simple answer: "Find you a new guru."

But, if you'd rather have a comparison that has no ties to religion, Antwuan performs this song similar to the way Maurice White from Earth, Wind & Fire delivered messages tinged with spirituality. The lyrics definitely fit the kind of message Maurice would've enjoyed and hyped up, the chorus especially. Hell, the groove on the chorus is pure Earth, Wind & Fire at their funkiest. It's such an infectious earworm (which is fitting, because the track before "New Guru" on Schvitz has a song sung from the point of view of an earworm, brilliantly called "Earworm".) It's a repetitive chorus, but a damn good one nonetheless. You hear it once and you just keep singing along with it (and keep singing it long after you've heard it.) The harmonies between Antwuan, Theo Katzman (who is drumming on this one), Joey Dosik, and the song's co-writer Jacob Jefferies all blend well together and just add to that infectious quality. It fucking hits and it's just such a fun song that's so well done, plain and simple.

One final aspect that I think adds flavoring to this song is Vulfpeck's trademark humor, which is here on full display, both in the video and the song itself. The silly red hats that look like the famous cone hats from DEVO's "Whip It" video were already mentioned, but other little bits include the video choosing odd moments to zoom in on things (like the close ups of Antwuan's face about 50 seconds in, Joey singing background vocals all the way in the back at 1:14, the camera following only Antwuan's hand at 2:29, etc.) and Cory Wong and Joe Dart both sneaking in the famous riff from "Dueling Banjos," of all things, during the third verse (it's at 1:58, Cory himself has a comment on the video that just says "dueling banjos quote made the cut." Ridiculously smooth.) However, the funniest part, arguably the part that keeps me coming back, is near the tail end of the song, when Antwuan asks the band for a key change ("Come on, y'all, take it up for me") only to immediately go back on that ("My bad, bring that down, bring that down.") It's such a little thing, but it puts a smile on my face and it makes me laugh every time I listen to this song. To make it clear, this is both on the album and video. The video adds even more humor by having Antwuan give Theo a thumbs up after the band brings it down, as if they're saying to each other, "We got it back on track now."

What Vulfpeck have done on "New Guru," and Schvitz as a whole, is something special. The band has provided such a fun and feel good song that feels right for this moment in time. Ever since the 2020s started it feels like we've been living with nothing but darkness (and there's been a lot of darkness these last few years...) but the pack are back to remind us that there is still fun to be had. We can still look towards the new with bright eyes and anticipation. We can find new hope and new things get excited about that will keep us going and help us find the answers we seek.

If you were looking for something uplifting to start off 2023, it ain't gettin' much better than this. What "New Guru" provides is a wonderful lesson and a damn fun song to keep us going through continued darkness.

So say no no to those old clichés and say go go to the brand new way. May the new gurus you find in 2023 show you the way and put the light back in your soul. And above all else:

Take care of one another. It's gonna be another crazy year.

[leviackermanscleaningbuddy]

Well happy late valentine's day to you too.

Not you putting Jisung and Minho with y/n in this one while I've literally been getting bias wrecked by Jisung for the past week or so now. 🥵

I'm a bit curious about the fun the other members got up to during their "dessert".

It's also funny that you updated today because just yesterday I was thinking about messaging you, just to check in because I hadn't seen you for a while. I hope that's not weird 😅 thanks for the valentine's gift.

(Also that’s not weird at all! It’s super sweet. Thanks for wanting to check on me. I’ve been in kind of a funk, but I think we’re on the up and up! 💜😘)

[flaming-rollsroyce-blaring-queen]

I can feel the downward spiral into a depressive funk.

My chest hurts, and I can even feel it in my stomach. It hurts to exist. But I can't cry because there are too many things going on for my family, and really crying just to cry would be a little self centered. I still live with my parents. My mum is absolutely calculated and cutting when it comes to mental problems. Most of the time, yeah, she is a good mum, and I do love her. But I don't enjoy being around her anymore. I do it out of obligation. I like hiding away in my little apartment when I can.

Scratch that. I don't really.

My dogs are in the main house. So is running water and trash bags so I can clean in here.

But I constantly feel scared waking up whether I've slept too late or am being lazy already. She swings between being very compassionate towards my disability and understanding that it affects my sleep schedule and energy, to just saying that I'm lazy and unmotivated, hiding behind my illness. I never know who I'm going to get when I go out there, and these issues go beyond just my energy levels. She will be either sweet as butterscotch or picking apart every bit of my interests and personality and existence.

Today she told me that she wanted me to think of an idea for dinner, so I started asking what she was in the mood for and making nervous small talk. She said "I don't care! I just need something solid for the first time in a few days. Think of something." Granted, we have been fighting lately to find out if my sibling has a child from a one night stand, and their ex partner has been horribly toxic every step of the way. But today we have found out niece is in fact my niece. The whole ordeal, however, has been a legal fight of bushwhacking through lies and stalling tactics. She's likely just overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to break the news to our rather large family that we now suddenly have a seven month old out of thin air.

Anyway, keeping that in my mind, I went downstairs and got a box of chicken tenders and a box of onion rings, thinking it'd be a fun supper, and she seemed delighted. But her fridge was so freaking full of things that should have been thrown out. So I as I try to help her out with this, she tells me what to do, as I'm doing it.

"Obviously you can't fit that in there, you need to rearrange things." As I'm assessing the entire mess of things.

"You can't just move stuff, things need to be thrown out." As I was already getting up to get the garbage.

Finally I brought up my worries about my disability and whether it would hinder my siblings custody case. Ideally I would have done it later, but I knew that my brain would forget if I did, so I tried to get it out of the way. She just grew more and more exasperated. But I'm excited to be an auntie. We never grew up knowing our own, just because they decided that they wanted nothing to do with my father, their half brother. I want to be better than that. After she brought up a few good points, I thanked her and just let her know that I had been worried, because I never thought of these things, but it was met with a pointed "It's fine, but I'm not really in the mood to talk right now. I'm a bit busy posting about [sibling's] new baby."

Usually, I try not to have my phone on me. She only messages me personally to tell me to do things. My partner regularly brings up the concern that she uses my being housebound as a reason to use me as a free housemaid, even though I don't fully agree with him. But somedays she does bring up that it's the least I can do since she regularly "drops everything to drive me everywhere" and that she "built an apartment for [partner] and I to live in". He also brings up that she will regularly use my medical issues as an example or a "hey I'm a disability ally" in media posts, even though I dislike talking about my own disability around people I know.

We are saving up to move out. But days like today, and everyday really, are a cycle of tamping it down until every bit of my soul aches and I'm dysfuctional. But god forbid I should say something, because "I'm the spoiled child, and I don't get to complain if I have it this easy." Years ago I used to be suicidal, but I now talk myself out of the thoughts because a funeral would be to expensive, and I do have a partner and friends who need me as much as I need them. I live fairly remote, so my friends aren't nearby. Visiting them is a whole day, so we try to do it once a week. My partner works a nightshift, so he desperately needs to sleep during the days. I feel alone, and I've tried joining online communities. I can't get therapy because getting mental help is met with shame here.

But I feel like I live with a martyr. I'm not her daughter, just a tool for media and household maintenance. It hurts emotionally. To my very soul. I'm temporarily the only unemployed resident for the moment. She works from our home as a small business crafter and marketing consultant, and I'm proud of how far she's come. She's awesome at what she does. And I'm very happy to pull my own weight in the house, and to shut up while doing it. But I'm tired of playing the game of "Mary, Mary Quite Contrary". I'm tired of guessing which mother I'm holed up with for most of my day, everyday.

[madmaryholiday]

usually i have SOMETHING i'm doing for new year's eve.

not like a party, but like. some kind of schedule so that i'm doing/watching/listening to something appropriate for the start of the new year.

i'm feeling pretty directionless tonight, though, ngl. part of it is probably because my mother is still miserably sick, and she's long since gone to bed, and my dad is hiding downstairs from her germs. usually, they'd be bugging me to watch the countdown on TV by now.

but also i've just been in a weird funk lately. it doesn't feel like new year's eve, or any day at all, for that matter. time just hasn't existed for me in any meaningful way for awhile.

things happen, but i don't really feel like they connect to each other. my birthday was apparently 17 days ago, but it could've been yesterday and it would feel like the same amount of time had passed. it's almost 2023, but i'm still stunned by the arrival of winter, while simultaneously unable to remember what autumn felt like.

i'm very tired.

i miss the days when i would be in a video chat with someone i cared about, and we'd wish each other a happy new year in our respective timezones while talking about video games or watching a movie. and the days when i'd be in a discord server or skype group chat and getting happy new year messages over a day and a half. or in somebody's livestream watching them play games while being intermittently interrupted by NYE countdowns and chat groaning about it.

i'm trying not to bring negative energy into the new year, but it's hard to sit here by myself and not feel a little bit lonely.

time to listen to "this year" on repeat for awhile, i guess.

[pedroshotwifey]

I love To The Flame ❤️ Do you when the next chapter will be out? I'm not trying to rush you I just can't wait to read it.

Hey, Babe! I'm so glad you're liking TTF! I'm hoping to have the next chapter out by this upcoming weekend. I've been a bit of a funk lately, so that's why it's unfortunately been delayed :/ And I promise you're not rushing me, messages like these are actually very encouraging, so thank you for reaching out and being so kind! Sending love and hopefully a one shot tomorrow to hold you over!

[wolfchans]

Hii Lau! Sorry it's been a few days, thank you for answering my questions, I really appreciate it! Have you heard back from your exams yet?? I haven't been around so apologises if I may have missed a post on it and you are repeating yourself. Oh I LOVE Grow Up, it's such a beautiful song, really hits my feels too, but like... it's such a uplifting feeling? I dunno how to describe it.. it's very comforting indeed. Omg yeah I feel you, hahaha it's so difficult to pick and era because they have all been great?? It's seems impossible! Ugh such great hair colours on them! I hope we get lucky enough to see silver Binnie again in the future! Thank you for sharing those photos with me! I'm taking mental notes hehe Just one more question, for now! What are your favourite colours? - 🌠

hi hi hi!! i hope you have been good!

i did hear back from them like 2 days (i think?) after you messaged me last time, unfortunately i didn't pass it so i've been kind of down about it for a few days but now i just understand that i didn't completely understand the subject and passing an exam just for passing would have been bad bc then in the finals i would have to defend everything i learned in an oral exposition and it would have been bad haha so yeah i'll just take the class again and study better now that i have somewhat a bit of knowledge about what goes on it. in the meantime i'm gonna prepare for a final i have in february (on the day of my birthday no less lol) and crossing fingers i get out of my funk

my favorite colors are yellow (any shade of it) and forest green! also big fan of navy blue :D

have a great day!!!!