#and it has 100% impacted both how he lives and his mentality on death for himself and others

[sharptoothed-gaze]

Anyone else thinking about how qPhilza essentially said that he thinks that death on Quesadilla Island is defined by its impermanence?

Because I still am, and it’s such an interesting thread to follow guys! Especially since when he was talking to Chayanne about it, he was referencing both the adult residents of the island and the dead eggs.

For the adults, we know they have respawn mechanics that can often render death down to an annoyance or even a joke. Then, there are the dead eggs, who can apparently still communicate and have conversations as ghosts despite being fully dead. From this, it is CLEAR that death is not actually the end for anyone who lives on this island. They can choose to be present regardless.

(Plus, we know that the Federation ultimately has control over the eggs’ lives. They have 100% been able to return them in some ways in the past like with Bobby’s final goodbye).

SO YEAH! Those examples of death were in qPhilza’s mind when he asked ‘what even is dead’ on the island? And that is fascinating because it’s genuinely so different from what he knew!!!

During his talk with Chayanne, Phil took the opportunity to explain the nature of the Death that he knows and is most is familiar with. It’s a Death that is permanent. He even addressed it as /real/ and distinguished it from that of the island.

Just the way he speaks about it really conveys the permanence and deep significance that Death held in the world he comes. It is a fundamental difference which highlights a distinction between Philza’s past and the reality he’s now living on Quesadilla Island.

For me, this also so clearly explains why he reacts to deaths on the island the way he does!!

At this point, he’s been on Quesadilla island so long that he has become very desensitized to the deaths of his fellow adults. To him, their deaths are nothing /permanent/ because that’s not how Death on the island works. Unlike where he’s from, he holds a confidence that any of his friends can come back with enough action.

HOWEVER even if he’s accepted this to be true for his friends, he can’t shake his own instincts. As much as he wants to think death is something safer here, he’s still from a world where Death is something entirely different. QPhilza is a deeply anxious and paranoid man who will probably never quite trust the idea that dying is okay. He might be connected to Death, but he is still a survivalist.

I think that QPhilza is a man who has felt true Death once before, and he will do everything in his power to avoid a repeat.

[rocket325]

Shinobu Sensui and Suguru Geto are both characters in my top 3 villains list which makes sense due to the fact that they're both so similar, in fact Gege Akutami has admited to being inspired by Sensui when creating Geto. However, I find myself liking them for different reasons.

With Geto what I like most about him is his relationship to Gojo and his fall to evil. When we first see Geto (at least not Psuedo-Geto/Kenjaku) it's in JJK 0, we see him at possibly the height of evilness: he hates non-sorcerers to the point of calling them all "monkeys" therefore disregarding them all as uncivilized yet he benefits off their money, in fact he hates them so much that on Christmas Eve he starts the Night Parade of One Hundred Demons which results in the death and injuries of multiple civilians in Japan and despite not hating them he's willing to kill Yuta, Panda, and Inumaki to achieve his goal of getting Rika to succeed in the Night Parade of 100 Demons (keep in mind he considers Maki to be a "monkey") But we also see that he was close to Gojo and in a way is still friendly to him, he doesn't seem to consider him as an enemy per say just someone in the way of achieving his goal. Not to mention we do see that Geto isn't entirely evil and does care for sorcerers with his two "daughters"(forget their names right now)

Sure all the things I mentioned above are interesting and are good for villain but if Geto was only in JJK 0 I don't see him making my top 5 Villains list.

What makes me put Geto in my top 3 villains lost is seeing his fall in the Hidden Inventory Arc. We see at the start of this arc that Geto's ideals are a complete 180 of how they were in JJK 0, instead of hating them, he believes that non sorcerers need to be and should be protected by sorcerers. We see the peak of his and Gojos relationship as well. However, as the arc progresses we get to see his decline. When he and Gojo are tasked with protecting and escorting the star plasma vessel, Riko to Tengen we see how the care for making her last day on special while protecting her from everyone trying to kill her. It even gets to the point where Geto gives Riko the choice to continue living her life and she is about to accept the offer but then she's killed by Toji Fushiguro, a man with no cursed energy. What further hammers the nail is when Geto and Gojo are carrying Rikos dead body and the entire crowd reacts with applause.

It then time skips to a year later, Gojo is only getting stronger, Shoko is a healer, but Geto isn't progressing at all and he's clearly in a bad mental state, He goes around absorbing curses which from what we're told taste terrible. We see his conversation with Haibara and how his ideals match Getos at the start of the arc and how Geto wishes he could go back to thinking that way. His conversation with Yuki further causes him to believe all non-sorcerers have to be removed. Then there's the conversation at the KFC(?) with Gojo the every famous "Are you the strongest because you're Saturo Gojo or are tou Saturo Gojo because you're the strongest." line. This conversation clearly has a deep impact on Gojo and he doesn't want Geto to go down this path. The final thing that hammers the nail into the coffin is how his "daughters" (again forget theor names and ik they're not biologically related) were being treated in their village.

As for Sensui, while his fall to evil is certainly interesting that wasn't what made his my favorite anime villain of all time. What I personally find more interesting is his parallel to Yusuke, his inability to realize the grey between the black and white, his refusal to truly believe the fact that it's him Shinobu Sensui doing all of these bad things therefore making different personalities just to runaway from it, his searching for a meaningful death especially after having only 2 weeks left to live, how the "fake" Sensui Seven represents the 7 deadly sins, and how the "real" Sensui Seven represents the 7 deadly sins.

In short I love both of these characters especially as villains and think they're amazing written. I also want to note that whenever I referring to my "top villains" I meant anime villains, I personally like villains such as Bane, Two-Face, Darth Maul, and Darth Vader a bit more but both Sensui and Geto are in my top ten villains of all time list. If you want to know the other villain in my top 3 anime vilalins it's Cell, certainly not as well written as the other two but I think he has a cool concept and love how he is the embodiment of a perfectionist complex

[littlerosetrove]

Bucks Death & Resurrection - Impactful or Nah?

I have a couple things I want to point out here, but the overall theme of my thoughts are that the writing for season 6 was overall unfulfilling and unsatisfying.

I chose this example, the arc of Buck's death, to help highlight how, not just for Buck, but for all of the characters, the writing fell short in allowing the audience to even understand what the characters were thinking and feeling way too often. I’ve mentioned before that “telling and not showing” was especially prevalent in season 6, but nothing new (I’d argue it’s been getting worse since season 4). As well, this big and important arc is a great example to show why the writing in season 6 felt spotty and unfulfilling.

I may not be 100% accurate about which episodes certain things took place, but you’ll get the idea. So, to break down Bucks arc of dealing with dying but surviving it went something like this:

6x11 or 6x12 (I think it was 12) → Dr. Salazar, while clearing Buck for firefighting duty physically, lets him know that his death may affect him mentally and emotionally in ways he may not expect. So be thoughtful and mindful of this, Mr. Buckley. Buck looks contemplative. 6x12 → Buck both tries to not process his death, and makes light of it, despite his 118 family (hell even Connor) asking how he is. → At the end of the episode we get our first concrete understanding of how Buck is feeling when he admits to Eddie that he’s unsure how to feel. 6x13 → We see hints of Buck looking unsure, a bit uneasy, but nothing more. Buddie fans at least assume that a big reason Eddie took Buck to play poker was to make Buck feel better. 6x14 → Buck again tries to make light of his death, coming across as just wanting move on from it already, when Bobby brings it up in one scene. 6x15 → Nothing here beyond Buck being intrigued by the death doula, Natalia, at the end of the episode. Again he kinda makes light of his death. I believe he referred to death as “an old friend” or something similar. (which… something something about Evan “passively suicidal since season one” Buckley never getting to properly confront and heal from this trauma/aspect. this death arc doesn’t acknowledge it, despite being a perfect opportunity, but anyway.) 6x16 → Buck admits to Eddie, near the end of the episode (??), that he feels like he has to act like “the same old Buck” (which we were shown little to no evidence of. if there was evidence it was, i think, too subtle for most people to catch, even me.) And in that same conversation - after apparently having a revelation in talking to Natalia (predominantly offscreen) once - says “every day is a gift.” And thus concludes Buck’s death and resurrection arc.

Not very satisfying is it?

We mostly got a small handful of quick moments of Buck just trying to brush past his death, only two brief moments of Buck actually being honest with Eddie specifically, in how he feels, but in that second conversation with Eddie, I had to make a guess that Buck’s comment on “every day is a gift” as Buck telling Eddie and us the audience that he’s good now. Thus this momentous event was, apparently, concluded in 4-5 episodes in a very scattershot way. And maybe it’s because my brain is low-key just trying to forget most of season 6, but I don’t remember Buck or anyone else talking about him dying and then living past episode 6x16.

In 4-5 episodes we only had Buck, twice, actually saying out loud how he felt, but even then it was to essentially say that he felt unsure how to even feel or act. We didn’t get to hear at all from Buck how he went from feeling lost to - off screen with a character we all just met - providing Buck with the key piece of information in understanding that “he’s good now actually.” For 4-5 episodes we were only shown Buck struggling with his death, to boom. Being told, poorly, that an offscreen conversation with Natalia is what made Buck feel settled with everything. I guess. 🙃

(side-ish note, but another way the writing, i’d say, failed even Natalia is that we were only ever shown that she’s almost weirdly fascinated by death. to me and i know others, she gave the vibe of her wanting to experience near death, just to see what it’s like. i’ll never forget her calling Buck’s death “so cool” when in contrast we had the 118 being devastated by Buck’s death. being worried about Buck post resurrection. so it made me question, “this is the person that’s going to help Buck process his death???”)

And I must emphasize, I don’t even know how many people even realize that the conversation Buck and Eddie had in the graveyard was the apparent conclusion to Buck's dying and resurrection arc. It took me something like 3-4 days post the finale to have a “wait a moment” epiphany.

So… So did Buck’s death and resurrection change Buck in any way? Not really. Did he learn and grow from it? Um, not that I can tell. Buck may have said “every day is a gift” but after that scene, idk, Buck was still Buck.

In case people bring this up: → Yes, Buck was able to keep cool during the finale rescue, but I don’t see how his experience with death is connected to this. His leadership arc went from A to Z with basically nothing in between to connect it. Plus we only ever got Bobby, once or twice, not having Buck do a harness rescue once he was back at work. To those paying attention, I think we can correctly interpret this as Bobby being extra careful with Buck. I think there was one or two rescues, again to those paying close attention, could tell that Buck did seem to be a little more careful than he may have been before he died. Both subtle things that not everyone may even notice. (although I don’t recall Buck being in any way reckless even in 6A at work, so.......) → Buck going through the 5 stages of grief in 3 seconds before handing over the baby to Kameron. It has been told and shown to us through all of 6B that Buck’s “totally fine, he never had an issue with donating. Idk what you guys are talking about.” Buck’s death was something separate from that storyline, and in any case neither one affected the other.

In conclusion? The writing for this arc was so scattered, mishandled, and unclear. The same can absolutely be applied to the entire season. But yeah, as for Buck’s death arc, considering how they handled it, I - really can’t say that it felt all that impactful, definitely not in the long run. 

@lovecolibri​ stated in tags on a post of mine that honestly summed up a big flaw in the writing of season 6: #and because the firefam are never talking to each other about things or feelings most of the time #i not only don't feel the found family aspect as much but also don't feel like i understand what anyone is thinking or feeling #which disconnects the audience from the emotional beats the show is trying to hit

^^ This issue was present even in season 5, but I think has gotten worse in season 6.

...

me any time I think about season 6:

[blueskittlesart]

So I have been reading you BotW/TotK analysis and I have gotta say that your insight is really impressive. I do have 2 points to make on the subject. Assuming that Calamity Ganon’s (the one that is fought in BotW) purpose is to draw attention to the underground (where Ganondorf’s corpse is) than that has some terrifying implications to how he operated in BotW. If there hero and Princess were successful in sealing away his calamity (which they were), than there is no way that someone like Zelda, who has both curiosity and altruism in spades would ever leave this problem unresolved. She would be determined to seek out the source of the calamity to make sure that no future generations would ever suffer as she and Link did, which in doing so would likely break the seal that was on Ganondorf. And if they failed to stop the calamity than Ganon wins and the calamity would destroy Hyrule (accomplishing his goals).

In regards to TotK, I do believe that Zelda will be physically incapacitated (either dead or in a stasis like state like in SwSd), though she will likely be involved spiritually as there is many ways she tan grow as a character (especially if there are flashbacks to the events 10,000 years ago, and even if she does die, resurrection is something that is present in Zelda so I doubt it will be a permanent death). I have a feeling that the ending will be bittersweet with both Link and Zelda surviving and perhaps breaking the curse of Demise. However I can see the Kingdom of Hyrule being annihilated beyond recovery, bringing additional meaning to “Tears of the Kingdom.”

Anyway love reading your thoughts and predictions of the game, makes the wait for May a lot more bearable.

yeah as to your first point that's exactly what i think is going to happen! because these games operate cyclically when predicting these plot points i'm constantly thinking about what has precedent, and there's a notable precedent in previous cycles for the princess's attempts at resolution to unintentionally lead to more problems for hyrule, forcing the princess to confront her own lack of agency and experience. I think that the calamity is playing into zelda's curiosity and moral compass specifically in beckoning her and link deeper under hyrule castle, knowing that she won't be able to resist trying to confront the problem once and for all but lacks the knowledge that might keep her from unleashing human ganon accidentally.

as for your second point, i sincerely doubt that death going to be zelda's fate in totk. call it optimism, but considering how she's been written up until now i can't see a way that death, even temporary death, would bring a satisfying or thematically cohesive end to her character arc. this is a girl we've seen do nothing but struggle her entire life. She is so, so, SO strong and stubborn and persistent that to cut her life short at seventeen (mentally. we're not getting into the 100 year gap here) just seems like an openly cruel treatment of a character so central to the game. A more cohesive end to her story, narratively, would be to allow her to live and heal when the game is finished, and i hope & believe that this is the direction totk will go. Zelda was the driving force for everything that happened in botw. she is the beginning and end of these games. to remove her from the final chapter completely would be a detriment to both her character and the game as a whole.

I also don't quite agree with the idea that the end of totk will be the complete destruction of hyrule. botw is, at its essence, a story about growth and healing. its characters convey this theme on a smaller scale, but more largely, botw shows us the ways in which hyrule grows and heals around destruction and calamity. to end its sequel with destruction and no hope of recovery is to trample over what made botw so impactful. in my perfect world, totk will end in much the same way as botw--with the promise that link, zelda, and all of hyrule will continue to grow and heal.

[offender42085]

Post 798

Paul Arthur Joseph Dimick, New Hampshire inmate 87452, born 1991, incarceration intake in 2018 at age 27, (this time around) scheduled for full discharge on 08/18/2117  (Sentenced 30 years to life, for computation purposes ‘life’ means 100 years.)

Murder

Paul Dimick, the Manchester murderer responsible for an hours-long Central High School lockdown in 2018, said Monday that his victim was like a brother to him and “I’ll love you every minute that I rot away.”

That will be 30 years’ worth, according to the prison sentence that Dimick, 28, received.

Judge Diane Nicolosi sentenced Dimick in Hillsborough County Superior Court, a formality since he pleaded guilty to the second-degree murder of Justin “Drizzy” Lee. The sentence of 30 years to life was part of the plea bargain.

Nicolosi issued the sentence after two of Lee’s relatives castigated Dimick in their victim-impact statements.

At one point, both Dimick and Lee lived with Lee’s grandmother, who would purchase them food because she didn’t want them to go hungry, said Lee’s sister, Kim Allan.

“You took advantage of my grandmother, then you turned around and killed her grandson,” Allan said. The grandmother died about seven weeks after Lee’s murder.

The relatives portrayed a man skilled at drawing, writing poetry and telling jokes poorly. He liked to ride dirt bikes. And he fathered a child.

But, like Dimick, he was addicted to drugs. Both were also members of the Gangster Disciples gang.

Lee’s stepmother, Jodi Dukette, said the family had always hoped that Lee would turn his life around and leave the world of drugs and crime.

“Paul Dimick has taken that chance away,” she said.

The shooting death took place late on the morning of Friday, Sept. 7, 2018, the third day Manchester students were back to school.

Police and school officials put Central High School into “secure campus” status, which prevented anyone from arriving or leaving the campus.

Some movement was allowed inside the school, but students were confined to their classrooms after the school day ended at 2:50 p.m. Police let students leave about 10 p.m.

Principal John Vaccarezza said students handled the situation very well, calming one another and forming a bond that lasted throughout the year.

“When you’re with people for that amount of time, in some ways you get close to people that you wouldn’t have,” he said. It was a learning experience for school officials, who have incorporated lessons from the incident into their safety drills.

“We got a real frame of reference about how things can play out,” Vaccarezza said.

Dimick shot Lee after his friend pilfered some electronics and clothes from the apartment hallway landing where Dimick was sleeping. According to previous testimony, he told his girlfriend he planned to kill Lee and would end up in prison for the rest of his life.

One witness told police he saw Dimick put a gun to Lee’s head and say “Yo. You want to rob me?” He then shot Lee underneath the armpit.

Dimick’s public defender said Dimick was exposed to crack cocaine in his mother’s womb and lead paint in his home. A doctor once recorded unexplained burn marks on his body.

He saw his parents fight and once witnessed his father getting pistol-whipped.

At times, his father would give him $100 just to leave the apartment for a day. The family could not afford the drugs needed to help Dimick at school, where he suffered taunts and humiliation, his lawyer said.

He started smoking marijuana at 10, and using hard drugs at 13. “Paul came to find out that using drugs was the only thing he was good at,” said public defender Sarah Amorin.

When a mental health counselor told Dimick recently that he was not developmentally disabled, Dimick refused to believe it, Amorin said.

Amorin said Dimick and Lee had a brotherly bond, and that was part of the reason for Dimick’s strong reaction to the theft.

“We just needed to get away from the streets,” Dimick wrote in a poem to Lee that he read during the sentencing hearing.

The sentence included a recommendation that Dimick be incarcerated out of state, preferably Maine or Vermont. Prosecutors would not discuss the reason for the request.

He waived the ability to seek a sentence reduction and to earn reductions for fulfilling education or other goals. He received a suspended sentence for disposing of the gun used to shoot Lee.

2d

[cielsosinfel]

(copying over a ridic long twitter thread where I rambled nonsensically about Rolan post-Lorroakan fight, don't mind me. I have even more thoughts since I read through the Dialogue Parser and saw how his behavior changes if either Cal or Lia, OR BOTH, die that has me even more gdkghkhkh ok i guess i rambled about that in the tags, anyway, i'll copy those bluesky posts over later)

didn't make it to HoH but I did beat Lorroakan finally (I just had to change Lae'zel to battlemaster and give her goading strike and she carried me the whole way lmao) and ROLAN... ROLAN.... ROLAAAAAAAAAAN... i am 100% satisfied with how his story concludes

I'm still kinda surprised how much a fairly minor side character, whose death in the game has negligible impact on anything, stil got to me so bad... the way you can tell from the first scene that he's deeply insecure + deeply stressed over responsibility for his siblings' safety

(instead of trusting his siblings to be able to watch out for themselves as much as him). And he covers it all up with really embarrassing self-aggrandizement, just so conceited, gets mad at TavDurge for showing him up in a way that makes him look weak and incapable.

THE WAY HES AN ANGRY ABUSIVE DRUNK IN ACT 2 AND EVEN when you rescue Cal and Lia he's still so angry and yelling, and Lia is too. i get the impression Lia was the one who always looked out for Cal and Rolan as kids so she has her own issues with needing to be the Strong one

and Rolan is chafing over being the weak adopted brother and has developed even WORSE issues over being the Strong one, and neither can concede ground on who has is the most responsible sibling, and the dynamic is all fucked up and Cal is the only one trying to find some balance

neither of them ever learned they can express they were terrified for the other's sake, and terrified of being too weak to look out for the other, without wrapping it up in protective anger and finger-pointing. it's just ;________;

it really hit hard when he actually apologizes for the way he acted while horrifically drunk in act 2 lol... but then if you stand around him and Lia are still arguing. they really just need to hug it out. cal sitting off to the side desperately wishing they'd hug it out

anyway the fact Rolan is so conceited and assured of his own power and greatness and ability to handle Everything On His Own, that he desperately convinces himself his new master beating him for no good reason constantly has a meaning, he just has to survive to prove himself...

and survive to provide for his siblings (who can't even live with him because lorroakan is that much of a dick???), and is just, a shadow of how he was in act 2, angry and aggressive and ready to take on an army himself for cal and lia's sake, just gets to me sooooooo bad. god.

I just think about what kind of mental gymnastics he must be doing since he got to the Tower, feeling so angry but needing to square everything happening with the image he built up of this guy he HERO WORSHIPPED FOR YEARS, trying to just focus on the needs of his siblings... ugh

And then how it hits all of his insecurities with weakness, of being the one who rescues and protects others instead of needing the rescuing and protecting. Surviving near-certain-death twice only to end up stuck in an abusive apprenticeship. god how stupid must he have felt

(and when i say that i mean that with all the empathy and sympathy in the world, mind). anyway i'm rambling. i really love rolan. i really love how happy he is in the convo after defeating lorroakan, how he SMILES and seems so excited to finally have cal and lia LIVE WITH HIM

[harbingerofsoup]

Trauma (Iruma)

Until this arc it felt like Iruma’s childhood was swept away, only brought up as a joke. To be fair, this is a comedy series, and those jokes are funny, but it felt like the series wouldn’t be living up to its potential without a more serious look at how Iruma’s upbringing affects him. Then, I reached the Harvest Festival, and all my expectations were met and exceeded. This event was finely crafted to perfectly simulate the environment Iruma grew up in, with the vastness of the forest, the need for survival, and the overwhelming isolation, causing his repressed trauma and emotions to gradually rise to the surface as the festival dragged on before finally exploding in what I consider to be the most emotionally cathartic scene in the series.

During Iruma’s training scenes (both in the Training arc itself and flashbacks), the matter of his parents is brought up casually, like it had been previously. While this aspect of his childhood had already been well established, moment like this still serve as important indicators that Iruma still thinks about what he went through. It’s also a reminder that Iruma grew up with parents that only saw him as a useful tool for chores and as a source of income. I also want to draw attention to the number of near-death situations Iruma had been through prior to living in the underworld. That scene occurs when Bachiko has Iruma fire off arrow after arrow at the very least over 100 times, meaning that there were probably hundreds of instances, starting from a very young age, where Iruma almost died. Between arriving in the demon world and starting the Harvest Festival Iruma had only been in legitimate mortal peril maybe three times, which is comparatively like a vacation if you think about it.

Iruma’s survival instincts are also expanded upon. Even living peacefully, Iruma retains his natural instincts to avoid all danger and uses this ability to his advantage, but that same peace prevents us from knowing what his exact mental state was before getting surprise-adopted. The Harvest Festival fixes that by placing him in a similar environment that causes him to unwillingly revert to a purely survival-oriented mindset. This ends up revealing a lot about Iruma, even explaining some of his quirks that seemed more outlandish, such as emotional repression to the point of not recognizing feelings like desire or anger. It also shows that his so-called “overwhelming crisis evasion capability” (heralded as the ultimate defense mechanism) is what his survival mode looks like while operating at its lowest capacity. His peak survival mode is represented by an amorphous black blob whose simplistic design conjures the idea of returning to base instincts. As specifically stated, Iruma has been operating like this for most of his life, relying solely on his base instincts and foregoing everything else, which would account for his lack of understanding even relatively simple emotions.

Now let’s get into the cause of Iruma’s trauma. To date, this is the longest they make an appearance, and even then, it’s only as an illusion, so we still don’t know practically anything about them. However, I would argue that it’s unnecessary to learn about them outside of their impact on Iruma, because this is fundamentally a story about Iruma’s self-discovery and him finally learning how to be human. Since they were the main obstacle to his natural development, their own thoughts are less important to the narrative. While Iruma does later say he’s not afraid of his parents, that ends up feeling more like a comparative statement when taking his immediate reaction upon seeing them into account, as well as how their faces are never shown, giving them a more nightmarish quality even compared to the other illusions. There’s a level of control that they’ve instilled into him that genuinely makes Iruma feel like they could whisk him away from home. Sullivan is easily one of the most powerful demons in the underworld, yet in Iruma’s trauma-addled state, even he isn’t an obstacle to the whims of his parents. This harkens back on Iruma’s inability to say no, born from years of psychological manipulation that can be seen in the question “aren’t you a good kid who always does as he’s asked?” His parents wanted someone who wouldn’t cause trouble and do whatever they wanted, so they taught him that saying no was wrong and that he’d only be praised if he did as they asked. So, while Iruma has gotten more assertive in the underworld, due to the years of damage inflicted by his parents, there’s a legitimate concern that he’d be powerless to go against him.

<prev | next >

[namazunomegami]

https://www.tumblr.com/namazunomegami/743754459269693440/httpswwwtumblrcomnamazunomegami7436814574012?source=share

you compliment me way too much for my own good lol. be careful now, I might blush 😳.

You mentioned that you feel that Gojo either has low empathy or little to no empathy at all and how he possibly may have a personality disorder (and I 100% agree that PDs are not inherently bad and that pw personality disorders are not inherently bad people).

I agree with you, I do feel like Gojo, due to his positioning and power in Jujutsu society, is actually pretty shitty at empathising with others, namely Shoko and Geto during the low moments of their lives. I think that as he got older, he definitely became better at cognitively empathising with others (his students), but I’m not sure if he could even experience emotional empathy.

Assuming he has little to none of that, I wonder how that would impact how he experiences grief. The fandom headcanons that Gojo was super torn up about Geto’s death and the shit that took place, but I’m not sure.

I’m being an idiot here but is Gojo even capable of being depressed or traumatised?

The reason I ask this is because trauma quite literally deteriorates the brain and impairs cognitive function. With Gojo constantly using Reversed Cursed Technique on himself to counteract the effects of Limitless on his body and brain, he technically should not even be able to be traumatised or depressed. If we’re going by how he canonically uses his powers, he possibly can’t experience any form of mental decline. This makes the divergence of Gojo, Geto, and Shoko’s life paths make so much more sense. Geto and Shoko could not mentally handle the pressure of the Jujutsu world the same way that Gojo could. They both needed coping mechanisms. Geto coped by blaming everything on humans and started a cult. Shoko… smokes. Geto and Shoko were affected mentally by the shit that goes on in the Jujutsu world, but is Gojo even capable of mentally deteriorating if his brain is constantly refreshed to the point that he doesn’t even NEED to sleep? Sleep is a CHOICE for Gojo. I can’t even pull all nighters!

Maybe I’m dumb and skimmed through the manga, but I don’t think there’s ever a moment in which Gojo stops using his powers. I mean, he obviously can’t turn off six eyes, but I’m talking about Limitless/Infinity. We know that he has the ability to be selective with it, like a selectively permeable membrane, but I don’t think he’s ever fully turned it OFF.

I wonder, if he turned it off completely, would everything that he’s experienced mentally catch up with him or would he be affected by everything going forward? Idk.

TL:DR- DOES GOJO EXPERIENCE TRAUMA OR DEPRESSION? I DONT THINK SO.

I’m analysing this way too much. I’m sure even Gege didn’t think of this lol. If Gege wanted him too, I’m sure Gojo could experience whatever trauma and emotions and whatever. But I’m just thinking about how his canonical usage of his powers impacts his brain and cognitive function.

Teehee, go on, blush 💕

I’m sorry nonnie but I’m gonna be professional with this answer.

People with personality disorders that limits their empathic skills feel grief and can be traumatised the same way as others. In fact, I know a narcissistic individual who was very shaken when they lost their father.

Let’s say that one day I’m gonna graduate finally: well, my specialisation is focused on helping individuals with behavioural disorders, ADHD, emotional disorders and we meet with a lot of heavily traumatised clients because we can work together with CPS.

With that in mind and adding my experiences out on the field, trauma is much more than brain and cognitive damage. So, even if Gojo can somehow maintain his brain activity at a 100% healthy and fresh level, I believe he can be traumatised too.

I mean, when he gets put into the box he legit has a PTSDesque flashback. Though it’s an unconventional one. It’s more like a reverse flashback. Because he relives the positive memories, the happy moments, when everything was alright and peaceful. While, in a typical flashback you only see the negative experiences, the worst things ever happened to you and you feel the same pain it doesn’t matter how many months or years have passed it still torments you.

So… I’m kinda agreeing and respectfully disagreeing with you at the same time lmao.

Oh and if you mentioned Shoko… My girl’s not just smoking, she’s a heavy drinker and rarely gets enough sleep. The self-soothing is now accelerated into self-destructing.

And it’s a headcannon of mine, but I think Geto’s sleep schedule is fucked at best. I think he frequently has nightmares, or he’s just tossing and turning for hours and then he can hardly wake up in the morning.

[trainsinanime]

I hate the question, “why doesn’t Batman just kill the Joker?”. Not because “that’s missing the point of who Batman is” and so on; I hate that so much Batman media builds worlds where that question makes sense to begin with.

For that question to make any sense at all, regardless of Batman, three things must be established:

The Joker is so evil and so powerful that he must be stopped at any cost.

Killing him is an effective way to stop him. (No ghost Joker)

Killing him is the only effective way of doing that.

Those are conditions that a lot of Batman media happily provides. In modern pop culture, the Joker is a deranged serial killer who will keep serial killing until he physically can’t anymore, and jails and nightmarish horror mental asylums are both incapable of stopping him. This is a world carefully designed to trick you into thinking that, “sometimes we just gotta execute some people in cold blood, even if we could physically arrest them, because they’re too dangerous to be left alive”.

I hate that. I hate that in part because it’s insultingly stupid, but I also  hate it because there are a lot of people who believe we do actually live in a world like that. There are lots and lots of folks who do believe it is okay to murder people who you could put under lock and key. And in a wider sense, there is this belief that crime is this malevolent demonic entity, and people who committed a crime are tainted by it forever and thus somehow less than human: Crime isn’t a thing that people do for complex reasons, but instead criminals are monsters, and they will throw society into chaos, unless someone stops them. That’s the core of the “thin blue line” ideology. The real-life impacts of this are obvious: Very long, very harsh prison sentences, police brutality, people calling for torture and the death penalty.

The Joker, specifically the modern hyper-violent version, is designed to be exactly that kind of society destroying amoral monster. His background doesn’t really matter. His motivation is chaos and death. He is insane, but has unlimited resources and planning abilities. He cannot be contained for long, and he’s a threat to everyone as long as he’s alive.

Of course, crucially, he’s 100% fictional. People like that don’t actually exist in real life, no matter how large they may loom in the heads of many people. In real life, the people who are scared of the Joker and folks like him cause far more damage.

The reason why the Joker is these things is not because it reflects actual reality, but because you need to have some way to justify the existence of Batman in your movie to begin with. Batman (and the Gotham police force!) has so much power, both nonviolent and highly violent, that you have to turn the Joker this gigantic dangerous caricature for him to even be the slightest bit of a threat.

Should Batman kill this Joker? I don’t actually think that’s an interesting question. (For the record, no, you should never execute people, this is not a difficult question.) The thing we should be talking about is why we even have this question in the first place, and what this says about the non-Lego Batman media we see.

[baku-bowl]

broke 1,000 followers (the fuck? I don't even make content people), so decided to write up a list of some (but not all, I'll make other lists later) of my favorite Bakugou-centric fic recs. my tastes run towards hurt/comfort, as you'll probably figure from the list. if there are some Baku-centric fics that you've enjoyed that aren't on here, please add them - this is definitely not a complete list of the ones I've read and love, but I'm always up for some recs. <3

fair warning, most of these are wips.

------------------------------------------------

Social Media 101 by WindsChild8178

Part 1: Survival Guide to Fucking Up

[Solely Bakugou’s point of view]

Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. He’s aggressive in everything he does and does everything with 100% of his heart in it. After the Sport’s Festival, Katsuki starts to get harassed by strangers for his unheroic demeanor. It starts with letters but it doesn’t end there. The moment Katsuki realizes the harassment has entered dangerous territory and he needs to tell someone, it’s already too late.

Part 2: Post Traumatic Life Disorder

[Point of View opens up to Bakugou, teachers and classmates]

When the Dorms are finally built, everyone is settling in well, but things become tense as people begin to realize something isn’t right with the recently rescued Bakugou.

[Cannon compliant right up to after the License Exam]

hands down my favorite fic in the fandom right now. it’s the one that converted me into a Bakugou lover. if you have any fondness for Bakugou as a character then it’s likely you’ve read this one already, but if not, I can’t recommend it enough. incredibly depressing, but with the hope that comfort is coming soon in the next few chapters.

The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually by NotWithThatAttitude

Bakugou is spiraling in the aftermath of Kamino and his friends are starting to notice. He's stubborn, aggressively independent, and less than willing to dig into his past, but after a breakdown that ends with a painful secret revealed, he starts to get help.

Whether he likes it or not.

Meanwhile, a new kind of villain threatens an uneasy peace following the loss of Allmight. Whispers build as a new narrative slowly takes shape:

Hero society needs to change.

Feat. Therapy, Dadzawa, best boy Kirishima, dysfunctional families, healing, growing up, and the mortifying ordeal of being known

guys.. the medical accuracy of this fic is just... *chef’s kiss*

I rarely see mental health genuinely handled well in fics, but this one goes above and beyond. kudos to the author for doing such excellent research into psychology, and making the application of it in here not-boring. also, while this one does have abusive!Mitsuki, it’s done in a way that feels realistic, and how I usually will see it occur in real life, rather than just for the hurt/comfort feels.

fair warning, the fic can be incredibly triggering (themes of severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks, rape survival, abuse survival, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, among other things), so be safe and heed the tw’s if you decide to read. legitimately one of my Top Favorite fics in this fandom.

Lock and Key by autochorystalize

Bakugou made a choked, gravelly noise before croaking out a low, “You can’t be serious.” His fingers ached to blow up everything in the room.

“I’m sorry, young man, but you can’t change reality! This sometimes happens.” Recovery Girl clicked through his file, adding a new symbol in a previously empty slot.

- - -

A pair of eyes discreetly locked on to an explosive blond plowing his way forward, parting people in his path. He recognized the kid, of course. Anyone in the underbelly of society would recognize him, after the publicity of both UA’s Sports Festival and the events leading up to All Might’s fall. The uniform he was wearing cast away any doubts about the young man’s identity.

It was a bit of a surprise that the little firecracker presented as an omega.

- - - - - - - - -

Or: there are certain types of evil that seemed too distant, archaic violations and perversions that would never actually threaten bright-eyed heroes-in-training in the clean, modern world...but sometimes those evils aren't as distant as one might think.

remember when I said that I love a/b/o fics that are full of plot and world-building and gender-induced tension? that’s this one. the OC’s are fabulous and you love to hate ‘em. also, it’s the fic that made me fall head-over-heels for the TodoBaku dynamic, so it’s got a special place in my cold, dead heart. 

be warned, there are rather explicit non-con scenes between an adult (OC) and a minor (Bakugou) in this one, but the author warns for them in advance, and you could likely skip those parts without missing too much if you need to.

Never and Always, Eventually by Wawa_Boonliang

"Katsuki can remember the exact moment that he and Deku…that he and Midoriya Izuku became friends. He can also remember the moment he and Izuku became fierce rivals, a time when they were almost enemies.

However, what he remembers most clearly about their relationship is the moment that they moved passed rivals and became something more close than mere friends. Something more like brotherhood, something forged in fire and secured in the middle of a battlefield or in the midst of natural disaster where the number of the dead was climbing ever higher. And then it was torn from him."

Katsuki is given a second chance. A chance to save everyone. A chance to change everything.

But should he?

y’all. I’m a slutty, slutty whore for time travel fics. a time travel fic with autistic!coded Bakugou? it was love at first read.

Lessons Learned by Sif (Rosae)

Rather than the police station, Katsuki's friends bring him to a hospital after rescuing him from the villains. His wounds were minor, but it didn't make having them treated any less important. As it would so happen, Best Jeanist was also brought to this hospital after the attack.

Sometimes, small choices have a big impact on how a story plays out.

classic Bakugou hurt/comfort. this fic opened me up to the potential that could be a genuinely good Best Jeanist & Katsuki mentor-mentee relationship, and I kind of dig it and search ravenously for it in other fics now. I’m also a huge fan of the behind-the-scences Pro Hero Chat group.

Slope by sunfleurmoon

“I’m not a hero. Or a good person,” Katsuki says, giving Aizawa a pointed look, “So leave me alone. I don’t care about the League or UA, or you—” The two years he’s been away have been fine, more than fine, fucking fantastic actually if you ignore the bi-monthly near-death experiences. He doesn’t need this place. He doesn’t miss this place.

And yet, longing, a childish desire to tear up, or maybe blow something to bits, they all twist in his chest like a band of traitors regardless. “—I just want to go home.”

Or: the one where Katsuki and Izuku fail the first term exam, Aizawa discovers their pasts, and Katsuki is booted from UA. Featuring questionable descriptions of villain organizations, a slightly illegal moving shop, and your favorite emotionally constipated badass in distress with a newly discovered penchant for collecting strays.

paaaaaaiiiiiiiin. the hurt is ALIVE in this one. lots of tortured, angsty exploding child goodness. the OC’s are excellently crafted, and the Bakugou & Eri relationship? beautiful. definitely deserves a read.

Ground Zero by WindsChild8178

In the wake of Kamino, Katsuki is tested more than anyone could imagine. Bound by a villain’s quirk to keep his silence or die, he lives each day knowing it might very well be his last. He continues to work towards becoming a hero, keeping his secret from his classmates and teachers, focusing on making it through each day and trying not to allow the panic or depression to get the best of him. When the villain finally corners him with demands in exchange for his life, there is really only one answer Katsuki Bakugou can give.

honestly don't know which I want updated more - social media 101 or ground zero. this author's fics are amazing, and I really wasn't expecting the twist in this one. can't wait for windschild to come back to this fic some day.

The Defect by LadyGreenFrisbee

"Why do you want to win the Sports Festival so badly?" 

Because I want to see if the defect could usurp the masterpiece.

(In which Endeavor holds a terrible secret and Bakugo has to suffer since childhood for it.)

a great concept, and I adore the shouto and Katsuki sibling interaction here. hoping the author will come back to this one some day.

A Name That You'll Remember by Heronfem

Kirishima Eijirou is a Hero. Bakugou Katsuki... is not. Trapped in his toxic workplace and increasingly desperate to get out, Red Riot's days are only brightened by a new villain known as Caution, who's not exactly villainous and keeps accidentally doing good deeds. But when a real villain appears, a threat from the past that demands that Red Riot make the ultimate sacrifice to keep the public safe, Bakugou is forced into saving the day... and eventually, Red Riot himself.

sob story good guy villains are my weakness, this fic is a gem, and I'd kill for the sequel.

Our Hero by AnonymousTwit

He felt everything jerk to the side and throw his balance off before he saw anything, dust clouding his vision and irritating his lungs as the earth itself opened up to swallow them whole. For a single moment, in a millisecond's time, his wild eyes locked with Raccoon Eyes', hers alight with fear and adrenaline-fueled desperation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized that it was the first time she'd looked at him with something other than long-deserved hatred in days.

And then he was free falling.

Or

After a particularly nasty encounter between childhood friends, the class learns about Bakugou and Midoriya's dark history and practically ostracizes Bakugou while trying to defend Midoriya. An earthquake during an outing has all sides regretting their decisions.

just fucking tear apart my self-sacrificing faves in every way imaginable while their loved ones watch on in terror. 💖🥰💖 this one is heavy on the Bakusquad and Class-1A feels, and VERY heavy on the Mina & Bakugou relationship (platonic).

Running back the tape, watching it replay by Faralyne

For someone ripped from their time, ripped from the few but strong relationships built by time and personal development, by self-reflection and swallowed pride, ripped from the one thing that made him feel worthwhile and needed and put-together, and forced to forge everything over again—Katsuki thinks he is handling it pretty fucking well.

Or

A villain’s quirk sends a 29-year-old Bakugou back in time to his middle school days.

am I a sucker for time travel? yes. am I a sucker for vigilante!bakugou? also yes. am I a sucker for this fic? literally refreshing the page in wait for an update as we speak.

Liability by sandelf

After All-Might dies rescuing Bakugou from the League, Bakugou is determined to prove it wasn't for nothing.

But the world is against him, his grief is overwhelming, and his stability is splitting at the edges.

very self-indulgent bakugou angst. tw for harassment, severe depression, and suicidality.

Special Mentions:

How To Win The Sport Festival: A Step By Step Guide by mhwright

Short re-imagining of the Sports Festival Arc if Shinso had planned a little better and worked a little harder to win the Sports Festival and if the match-ups had been slightly different. Self-indulgent fic of watching him succeed.

this is completely Shinsou-centric, not Bakugou-centric, but I love and adore it and am dying for a sequel. Shinsou is Best Boy here and you'll be rooting for him the whole time.

[in-tua-deep]

Oooooo the red bock au sounds so interesting! Does Five caught himself thinking of his brothers just as numbers and weapons like Reginald talks in his book? Does he read Vanya book to remind himself that they are still human even though he reads it through lens of someone hurt by them all? And I feel like the handler would know either way about the books but o it's so much fun to see five being paranoid

I think having both books and both perspectives reminds Five that... he’s getting some very biased accounts of his own siblings. I think that when he’s still young, he writes down as many memories as he can remember because... he starts to forget, at some point. 

Vanya’s book talks about how volatile Diego and Luther’s relationship is, and so Five writes down the time Luther and Diego teamed up to toss Five off a balcony when Five kept switching the pens in their hands with pipe cleaners during a lesson (and he will maintain until his dying day that he was just practicing his control, c’mon guys!)

when Reginald’s notes call Allison an “insufferable, narcissistic creature,” Five remembers Allison bribing him to cause trouble and distract Reginald so that she could use the microwave unobserved to heat up some water bottles as makeshift heat packs for Luther’s sore muscles

when Vanya calls Ben “easily manipulated,” Five recalls Ben arguing theories with him at 2am after one of Ben’s training sessions where Ben almost flipped his bed when Five jokingly suggested that he could use the horror’s tentacles to bounce up and down like a pogo stick before Ben tackled him and tried to beat Five to death with an encyclopedia of sea creatures (affectionately)

I think having Reginald’s journal actually helps in a lot of ways, because Five automatically autocorrects literally all of Reginald’s thoughts to be like, mostly inaccurate and much harsher than they need to be. So when he reads Vanya’s journal he also autocorrects and is able to recognize that it is a very biased and somewhat harsh view of his siblings

(he doesn’t distrust them as much as he does in canon, with only Vanya’s harsh words to cling to with no reminder that they were all raised by a man capable of unfathomable cruelty, no reminder that authors can be oh so biased)

outside of his equations, there’s notes to himself written in the margins of Vanya’s book. Sometimes they’re just small, pointing out that Klaus had fought to include Vanya in trap week (Klaus then proceeded to team up with her and managed to catch Five in a snare - he actually still has a scar around his ankle from his upsidedown thrashing before he managed to steal one of Diego’s knives to cut himself down) or pointing out that Luther’s chilly attitude when they were ten was probably the result of Vanya outperforming him in every standardized test they took because of Luther’s ridiculous inferiority-superiority complex

at the very least he has comparison, because Reginald’s book calls Klaus an absolute failure while Vanya’s book called him “sweet, as a child at least”

As for the Handler... she’s aware that he has Vanya’s book and a red notebook, but I don’t think she actually knows what’s in the red notebook! Reginald was notoriously secretive, after all

So the Handler assumes that the red notebook is where Five keeps his time travel equations because aw, he hasn’t given up! how cute!

She makes an assumption that, logically, makes sense. Of course Five is still trying to figure out time travel, no matter how much he denies it! Of course he’s writing the equations down! What a silly boy, thinking that he could hide this from her, of course she knows about his little plans to save his siblings ;3c

And because she’s so powerful and knowledgeable and one step ahead all the time, she makes an assumption and assumes that it is fact. Because she’s so smart, of course she isn’t wrong! She’s had Five clocked from day one!

(The Handler thinks she has Five all figured out, a creature so based in sentiment. Why would he carry a book around that details the torture his siblings went through? He hates his father, why would he ever carry around his father’s notebook! The Handler has a fatal flaw, and it is that she doesn’t understand loyalty and sneers at sentiment and those are two of Five’s most powerful driving factors. Five lives for his siblings and would die for his siblings, almost his entire life has been dedicated to saving them. Not the world, just his family.) 

(She understands that Five considers his family to be exceptionally valuable, but doesn’t comprehend that Five is 100% willing to die for them should it come down to it. Why on earth would anyone value something like siblings over their own life? Absurd. I genuinely believe that the Handler thinks she could get Five to betray his siblings with the right leverage, and so she fundamentally does not understand Five as a person)

To be fair to the Handler, the whole academy’s morals and just. completely and utterly fucked. Luther condemns the murder of innocent civilians even if it would save the planet but doesn’t blink an eye at killing the ‘bad guy’ Commission agents. Diego stabs criminals as a pastime while still holding himself at a moral high ground for saving people, despite the fact that too many criminals are forced into crime by unfair circumstances. Allison used her powers to bolster her career without even blinking but now refuses to use her powers at all because of the manipulation of one (1) child, not even against ‘bad guys.’ 

I mean. Vanya wrote an entire salt book without consulting her siblings that had lasting impacts on at least one of her sibling’s career in the public eye and potentially impacting her siblings relationships with everyone who had every read the spark notes on her book, without the opportunity for reprisal. Publishing your entire family’s dirty laundry as personal emotional catharsis is... kind of a dick mood, lets be real. Especially when you were all abused children raised in an environment of excessive violence and rigid structure. 

Like yeah, of course Allison is good at manipulation and lying - she grew up with an abusive and over-controlling father. She probably lied as easily as breathing about where she’d been, who she was with, what she was doing, etc. The only privacy they got in that household was what they seized with their own hands and carved out for themselves! Is it fair to say that Allison’s superpower is dishonestly?

Is it fair to say that Klaus got crueler as he grew? He was tortured and turned to drugs as an unhealthy coping mechanism, and then he sat down at a table and looked at all the other little kiddies who did not get locked into a crypt overnight. In fact, there was one child who never got any extra training at all! Can you imagine the jealousy? The bitterness? Klaus might have been exceptionally cruel to Vanya as a teenager, she had everything he wanted and dared to complain about it. Can you imagine listening to someone wistfully wish they could join in on missions when you know that the cost for doing so has been carved out of your soul?

My point is, none of these little bitches have anything that resembles a sane moral compass. They’re unpredictable as fuck! It’s like herding cats! You never know what they’re going to do next! Oh? Are they going to investigate in any logical pattern? No, because Diego just remembered Patch exists and helping her print flyers for the annual police ball is more important than saving the world or whatever lol

Luther is over there investigating the moon! The moon! Meanwhile Allison is breaking and entering her sister’s student’s house because she got shady vibes off of him one time and she has never heard of a proportionate action in her life. 

Meanwhile Vanya is going through the phone book trying to call up psychiatrists who have any familiarity with whatever fucked up meds Dad put her on because like, she would like to Not Be On Them (fuck you dad) but also understands that danger of quitting cold turkey something you have been taking for years and would like a professional opinion on how to safely decrease and eventually eliminate her usage, thanks (Klaus is hanging over her shoulder pointing out the ones who will sell you non-prescription drugs for a price and Vanya mentally crosses those ones off of her list to call)

Five is probably joining on the breaking and entering because Allison promised she would sweet talk to eye dude if he did her this solid 

(Five complains at length about how investigating the apocalypse should not be a solid because she would 100% die as well if the apocalypse came to pass)

[well-in-all-honesty-i]

TW: Suicide

OKAY SO- I wanted to talk about Mafuyu and Yuki’s relationship and why it ended the way it did. I should preface this by saying that the majority of this, although somewhat supported by canon, is my own personal headcanon and speculation. I’ve been surrounded by a lot of people who I believe Yuki to be similar to, but I am not 100% accurate or well versed and this is mostly just from what I’ve gotten from those situations. Also, a lot of questionable grammar-I type like I speak, which doesn't translate well haha.

So I want to chunk this into 3 big pieces because I enjoy organizing things: Yuki’s childhood, how that affected his personality as a young adult, and how both of these lead to his eventual death.

Starting off with his childhood:

This one is heavy speculation (as most of this is-but this bit is particularly so) since there isn’t much canon to support this-or provide a lot of insight. But, what little we do know is that 1) Yuki’s father wasn’t present in his life-probably even before Mafuyu’s father had been jailed-and that, 2) Yuki and his father shared the same bull-headedness (?) and pride that Saeko believes led to his death.

I personally believe that Yuki’s father was someone who might have struggled with some sort of mental illness, as well as has had a problem with alcohol abuse. I also imagine that he probably disappeared or passed-either due to some sort of alcohol-related problem or suicide.

Saeko, from how she is characterized in the story, seems to be a very strong-willed and assertive person. In the aftermath of Yuki’s death, she's relatively composed and seems to have almost expected this to happen, although maybe not in the specific way it did. [Ex: When she tells Mafuyu that Yuki was always the type of person to die in a chicken race (a competition of pride, of sorts, that usually ends badly) and when she mentions him being similar to his father in that sense.]

In the flashbacks in the anime, when Mafuyu tells Yuki that his father beats him when he talks, Yuki’s response of ‘You know, a real father doesn’t do that.’ doesn’t sound like something a small child’s first response would be. It’s a bit of a reach-but considering that, as well as how prompt the response from his mother seemed to be (when Mafuyu’s father was jailed-not much time seems to have passed, and since both of their mothers are present, I've always assumed that Yuki's mother found out through her son and acted accordingly.),- it would make sense that Yuki might have some prior experience with this. Especially if his mother had gone through something similar-she probably would’ve warned him very strongly against the ideal his father had set, making Yuki want to be very far from that.

Speaking of which-I assume that Yuki probably had a very rough-if short-lived-relationship with his father when he was around. Given the stuff above, his father was probably someone who was emotionally volatile and tended to lose control when upset. If he had an alcohol problem, he might’ve caused a financial strain that fell onto Saeko as well.

Since his father was out of the picture and Saeko herself wasn't around as much as Yuki might've needed, it would have made him both very independent from his parents and adults in general, while also heavily reliant on Mafuyu (Hiiragi quotes both Mafuyu and Yuki to have been latchkey kids who found comfort in each other), both of which twist into the situation he found himself in later in life.

Leading into his teen years:

Yuki, as a young adult, is very independent-he works multiple jobs to pay for the expenses of being in a band, makes a point to avoid drinking, and is very affectionate towards Mafuyu. I'm not too sure about the reasoning behind why the four friends chose the high schools they did, but if Yuki's mother didn't directly influence that decision it's likely it was a choice made in direct relation to their band.

There's also very little interference from any adults in Yuki's life-namely, his mother. As someone who was probably very busy working as a single mother to support the two of them, her mentality was just to support him monetarily and let Mafuyu provide the emotional support in her place.

I think she also assumed her attempts wouldn't have been well received-most people noted how close Yuki and Mafuyu were and seemed to always assume that they had each other handled and that nobody had to worry about either of them because of it. In every way, it was simply easier to show Yuki she cared by not interfering and letting him hold the reigns of his own life.

A big indicator of this idea for me what when Saeko talked about how Yuki ordered his own ramen, the type he liked. It's a small thing, but it started me to read because it highlighted the amount of input his mother had on his life; which was very little. I don't know if he even used her money or chose to use the extra from his jobs to pay for it, but either way, it sort of put their relationship into perspective.

The impact it had:

Yuki probably had a lot of resentment towards his father, or, at the very least, a desire to turn out different. And oftentimes when a person is very strongly trying to avoid turning out like someone, they ignore or avoid acknowledging the similarities, rather than accepting and working on them to properly change. Without a strong parental/adult figure in his life, he wouldn't have considered insight beyond his own experiences. He's characterized to be moody and domineering, and Mafuyu is too soft-spoken to have brought up most issues until it reached its boiling point.

I believe Yuki might have had Borderline Personality Disorder to a mild extent. Some symptoms of BPD are mood swings, impulsivity, impaired social relationships, and a distorted self-image. They usually have thoughts of suicide or self-harming tendencies. When they feel insecure in relationships, in which they’re usually very, very invested, they tend to lash out or do rash things to keep them close.

Based on my relationships with the borderline people in my life, I've noticed that they usually bounce between having great confidence in themselves, to being incredibly insecure. It's hard to explain specifically, but they walk a fine line of being insecure and also maintaining a painfully strong ego, which makes them react very strongly when provoked, intentionally or not. Yuki and Mafuyu have a different type of relationship than I do with those people in my life which, for the two of them, means that Mafuyu probably had to provide lots of emotional support for Yuki, while also under the mild threat of Yuki coming to harm by his own actions.

Being with someone with these tendencies who is also unaware of them is very draining, especially for someone as mild and soft-spoken as Mafuyu is. Yuki tended to lead their relationship and was probably very noticeable when upset-and for someone who might not be used to speaking up or someone who has low self-confidence, it is difficult to bring up things. It doesn't feel safe if you don't know exactly how it would be received. Especially if they are the person you are closest to, it can be anxiety-inducing to try and bring up problems that don't seem to be incredibly important or unavoidable.

So, long story short-Yuki was closed off to receiving any kind of proper advice or criticism that would've saved him. Another symptom of BPD, as mentioned before, is suicidal ideation. So, if all these things are combined, it's a lot easier to see how he, surrounded by only his thoughts and ideas, would make the choice to take his own life when provoked.

It wasn't specifically that Mafuyu had caused his death, but more that he just sent him over the edge he had been teetering on for a long while. He was like his father in the sense that they had the same flaws that just came from different places. Yuki's pride came from the flip side of his insecurities and his own early independence, and his mental health issues as a whole are probably hereditary. The specificities of his death, where Yuki drinks after avoiding alcohol for his entire life, feels like he failed in his effort to avoid being like his father. He was different as a person but in the end, their flaws aligned and brought them to their end in parallels to each other.

Calling back to what his mom said-it doesn't feel unexpected. It is shocking, but not a surprise. Yuki was fiercely independent and wanted to learn and do new things, all on his own-including his own death and whatever follows after.

[I wrote this a while back and didn’t really like how most of it was speculation and hard to prove-but decided to post it anyway because I spent too much time on it lol.

Like I said before, most of this is just my head canons, but I hope it made sense! Feel free to add on with your stuff/arguments/headcanons :)]

[justonecitizenoftheearth]

Why the ending of Supernatural is problematic - the meaning of storytelling

Originally, I wanted to write a full essay on this and I still might, but since the university libraries are closed and I have three other big writing projects at hand, one of which is my final thesis, this might take a while. I still want to share my thoughts about this. A lot of this has been said before, but not yet by everyone. Trigger warning for mentions of suicide and homophobia.

The thing that bugs me most about the whole discussion about the ending of Supernatural is people saying “why do you care so much? It´s just a story.” Storytelling has been a part of human culture for thousands of years, it is something that everyone does and to think that telling stories doesn´t have a function in society that goes beyond entertainment is just plain wrong. Every part of storytelling, be it the actions shown, the words used, the characters involved or the connotations connected with any of the above, have the power to influence the way that the recipients of the story perceive reality. Now let that sink in for a moment. 

To borrow some words from a text about gendered narration: “Narration is understood as a cultural practice that spans genres and media and it is of great significance for gender constructions and gender relations, because stories don´t simply reflect on the perception or imagination of ´gender´, but they create them. From this perspective, storytelling seems to be one of the performative acts that produce and establish identities and gender constructs in the first place.” (Nünning/Nünning (2006): Making gendered selves; translated from german). The important thing to take from this quote is the last bit: Storytelling is an act that produces and establishes identities. And from here, we jump directly into the ending of Supernatural.

I don´t think I have to explain a lot about what happens in the last two episodes of Supernatural. But I want to go into the potential impact. So, in the ending of episode 15x18, we see a male presenting character, Castiel, declare his love to another male presenting character, Dean Winchester. It is made very clear, both by the actual show and the comments of Misha Collins, who plays Castiel, right afterwards, that this is in fact meant to be romantic. Right after that scene, Castiel dies. He not only dies by coincidence, but confessing his love is the thing that makes him happy and therefore, because of a deal he made with the empty, is the thing that kills him. It is not explicitly said if Dean loves him back. In the next episode, this confession is never mentioned, but Dean shows some signs of wanting Castiel back desperately (begging Chuck to bring him back, running up the stairs because he thinks that Cas will be there), but these signs just stop at some point during the episode. In the series finale, Castiel is mentioned twice, but not once by Dean and always in a fleeting manner. It never becomes clear if Dean loves him back and life apparently just went on without him. Not to mention that death has never been a permanent or undefeatable state in the show. But Castiel never comes back, his feelings are never mentioned and neither are Dean´s, although it has been clear in previous seasons that he usually takes it very, very hard to lose Castiel, to a point where he becomes reckless and suicidal (see early season 13). 

There are a few things to address here, but the main thing for me is that it seems like Castiel loses his status as a friend who will be dearly missed as soon as he comes out as in love with Dean Winchester, which is perceived by the audience as being gay (angelic gender discourse aside). And this is a bad message. It´s a really bad message both for people who struggle with their sexuality and see all their fears come true, and for people who have prejudices about LGBTQI+ people and get the message that they are less valuable as human beings. Which is not true, but again: Storytelling is an act that produces and establishes identities. The death of Castiel was only one of the problematic messages. Dean Winchester, who has been coded and perceived as bisexual and who has been a beacon of light for many who struggle with mental illnesses, dies too. Worse, he basically chooses death, which completely destroys the hopeful message of never giving up. Eileen Leahy, a deaf character who represents a group of people who are seldomly represented in media in a positive and empowering way, disappeares from the narrative, too, without an explanation and takes that empowerment with her. There are more examples, but the general idea is clear.

And this is, for me, the main problem with the Supernatural finale. The ending of Supernatural helps to establish hurtful tropes and assumptions. It transports messages that can be very harmful both for people who identify with those characters and see their own very real and important hopes and dreams fall to pieces, and for people who could use to see good representation of diverse characters to question their own values and opinions. 

I hear you asking: “Okay, so bad media representation is bad in an abstract, cultural context. But how big can the impact of such media representation actually be for individual people? And how do you prove that?” So let me ask back: “Have you ever heard of the Werther effect?”

In 1774, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe published the novel “The sorrows of Young Werther”. In this book the main character kills himself after being rejected by the woman he´s in love with. After the novel had been published, a number of young men committed suicide, following the example of the book character Werther. This is not the only case where the depiction of the suicide of a character inspired people who strongly identify themselves with the character commit suicide: “There have been other such “epidemics” [meaning suicides in imitation], such as the rash of suicides in young Jewish females after the publication of Otto Weininger´s Sex and Character in 1903. However, an earlier recorded epidemic occurred in the early 1700s in Japan.” (Krysinka/Lester (2006): Comment on the Werther effect. S.100). 

Long story short, it is a known phenomenon that media has a huge influence on the lives of recipients, especially if they can identify strongly with the characters, all the way to existential decisions like suicide. And in the case of Supernatural, that´s an extraordinarily relevant question.

The character Dean Winchester has battled depression, trauma and suicidal thoughts and tendencies in his journey. Many people who battled the same issues could identify themselves with this character, which is a known fact in the fandom and has been said multiple times on conventions and on social media. Showing that this character accepts death, even though it is questionable if that was necessary, and implying that the only way that he can find peace is by dying is highly problematic. Combined with the number of people who identify as LGBTQI+ and who have a strong connection to the character Dean Winchester, and considering the high suicide rate among LGBTQ+ individuals, death as the conclusion of his character arc is a dangerous message.

To summarize my point, storytelling is an insanely powerful instrument to shape the collective social memory of a culture and it has direct influence on how we perceive the world and other humans. Bad media representation causes real life issues and can be very harmful, both on a personal level and in society, for those who are affected. It lets hypocrites, homophobes and racists stay in their bubble of righteousness and fails to call them out on their bullshit. It is a lethal threat to some. Bad media representation and thoughtless storytelling is dangerous. And this is why I care so much. Because it´s not just about a story.

So, that´s it for now. I would love to hear your thoughts about it! 

And I send love to all of my mutuals, everyone who loves Supernatural and hates the finale because of it, all of my rainbow siblings and everyone who needs it! <3 

[assassinshadow17]

Alright people I had to because I’m lowkey scared at how the “shocking death” could go down. Here’s a tier-list of whoever is safe/in-danger of getting the ticket out of life. I tried to be as realistic as possible and who gives more to Ari’s life and how he could grow with/without them in his life, if they served the purpose for his development in the 1st book.

SAFE - Aristotle Mendoza, Legs Mendoza, Gina Navarro, Susie Byrd

Aristotle Mendoza - He’s literally the protagonist and its overall his story and how Dante helps him open up to love himself, and to love Dante. Unless if Ari’s own “shocking death” is himself and the description was to throw us off with turning the POV over to Dante(if that makes sense) Ari isn’t going anywhere but forward in life. 100% SAFE

Legs Mendoza - You may think, “but wouldn’t the dog be in most danger?” Well no, see if Legs would die, I’m not sure it could trigger Ari to have to “fight like never before” I love dogs and think they are so precious, but looking at Ari’s story, I don’t think it would be enough to set Ari in a “new” direction. Although a small chance Ben could do it just to be a dick lmao. 95% SAFE

Gina Navarro and Susie Byrd - I think these are 2 of Ari’s closest friends that help him at school and he secretly loves to talk to. But I don’t think they are developed enough in Ari’s life to cause a huge impact, unless if they going to receive that sort of treatment. But for now, I’m assuming they will take a sideline role and support Ari in his time of grief. 95% SAFE 

UNPREDICATBLE - Cassandra, Baby Quintana(Dante’s soon to be younger sibling) Sam Quintana, Soledad Quintana

Cassandra - Cassandra is a new character that is just noted from Ben himself. She’s probably going to be Ari and Dante’s close friend to them, but unless if the point of her presence is to give Ari a new meaning to life(Which still wouldn’t make sense to me) Then I don’t see how Ari would be that affected by her death, but if Ben wanted it to happen that way, who am I to stop him? We will have to see how her arc turns out. 85% SAFE

Baby Quintana - Once again, a new character in Ari’s life, but it seems he would be more beneficial to Dante’s story and have Dante grow as a person than Ari. Plus being a baby, not really much connection you could give besides loving them unconditionally, which Ari would do overall anyways. 85% SAFE

Sam Quintana - Sam is a cool dad and very inspirational character, much like Dante, he has Ari questioning how someone could be so nice in the world. He’s very loving of Dante and would die for his son, and by further extension, Ari. I think his death would give Ari a hit in life, but it seems it would be more for Dante’s growth as opposed to Ari’s.(Again, based on the description, this death seems to affect Ari the most.) Although it would be a shock factor and grow Ari to comfort Dante overall, which I could see Ben doing. 75% SAFE/LOW-CAUTION VULNERABLE

Soledad Quintana - Pretty much Ari’s reassurance that even she can see the love that Ari has for her son, Dante. Soledad has a huge role, as Ari’s mom(who we will get to soon) in having the boys learn to love themselves and have them take command of their lives, despite knowing that most of the world will be against them. Soledad loves Ari nearly as much as Dante, because he gives Dante such happiness. I could very well see this death affecting Ari a lot, but also, it seems it would benefit Dante’s arc more-so. So I don’t think Ben will go this route. However I see a viable reasoning if Ben did it. 60% MEDIUM-CAUTION VULNERABLE

DANGER - Liliana Mendoza, Jamie Mendoza

Lilliana Mendoza - I’m sorry to have Ari’s beautiful and much of a QUEEN mom here, but I have to look at the point of view. Lilliana has been Ari’s only comfort in his life really, his dad was never mentally present, and she reassured his existence in the world and has made him felt loved everyday. With also joking around with him like he hasn’t been depressed for most of his life. If Lilliana were to die, this would affect Ari the closest of both parents, he would feel lost, vulnerable, and to an even lower point of sadness than before the beginning of the 1st book. I could very well see Ben going this route and probably so far the most predicted of who would die and make Ari really figure out how to “form a life of his own joy” 20% SAFE/IN-DANGER

Jamie Mendoza - Okay, personally I think Ben will go this route and let me just say why. Jamie, Ari’s dad, has been out of Ari’s life for most of it. He would help Ari if he was sick, but really left his wife to most of the parenting. Not even caring if Ari stuck in the clubs that he wanted him in. But I think Jamie’s purpose has been delivered to Ari in showing Ari that he doesn’t have to be afraid of his love for Dante, he doesn’t have to let his past consume him and let him feel drowned just because he didn’t want to talk about it or open up. Jamie gave Ari the opening to go after Dante and made Ari realize his feelings. I see Ari being affected by his death because of the confusion he could feel, would Ari feel sad or angry that he never really knew his dad more? And would he move on so easily or feel guilty that he couldn’t somehow open his own dad up, when they were so alike and how they could have grew if Jamie had been present. I think this would get Ari thinking, and Dante could help him navigate his emotions through his dad’s lost. 10% SAFE/IN-DANGER

UNKNOWN/DEPENDENT DIRECTION OF AUTHOR - Dante Quintana

Dante Quintana - Look all, I’m so sorry he’s not in the safe zone, the way of the description.... I can’t put him there. I’m so heartbroken I even think this, but I really think it won’t happen if Ben decides the route that we would all dread. However I have to display this possible outcome.

Dante is literally the boy who saves Ari’s life, the one who made him realize the universe is beautiful and that him and Ari are the best couple in El Paso. He teaches him so much, how to read advance literature, swim, all sorts of games he makes up lmao. Dante makes Ari question everything he thought of the world, Dante has that impact and he has the impact to make Ari not remember literally saving his life against a moving car. Dante loves Ari to the universe and back, Ari does as well, literally would die for each other. But the way the description says “He’ll have to fight like never before to create a life” now get this at the end: “THAT IS TRUTHFULLY, JOYFULLY HIS OWN” I’m not getting good vibes from “HIS OWN” Idk, maybe I’m reading too much into it and I’m hoping to the freaking divines that Ben doesn’t go the route of Dante potentially..... you know, I don’t even want to say it. Dante is literally the 2nd main character and we also learn so much about him, but by that phrasing, I could see a direction in which Ben takes out Dante in a permanent sense to grow Ari like never before. Like Ari would literally have to find his own direction in the world, and he would take Dante’s knowledge and personality with him in his future, he would live for Dante as he would have wanted together. I just think it wouldn’t work well and Ari doesn’t need his literal soulmate to get taken away just for an “Edgy, or growthful arc” if that makes sense. If Ben goes this route, I may never forgive him tbh, I just couldn’t if he ruined our boys like this. 100% SAFE OR 100% MOST LIKELY CANIDATE TO TAKE DEATH. DEPENDENT ON AUTHOR’S DIRECTION.

Note: if Dante is taken, I will cry and that’s a promise.

Thank you if you read this long asf post, but hopefully it can entertain you! I’m so looking forward to this book and I hope the “loss” is meaningful and not some shock factor, but its Ben so I trust him enough to make a sequel to the masterpiece that we all loved in the first place!

[dropintomanga]

On a Major Loss in the Anime Community in 2020

I was browsing through Twitter today and I found out from a thread that it has been 7 months since the U.S. anime community lost one of its most important voices, Zac Bertschy, a highly-respected editor for Anime News Network. While he’s gained his share of non-fans due to his opinions, Zac has inspired an amazing number of anime fans to do more with their fandom. 

There was something in the Twitter thread I read that was eye-opening and somewhat humbling. To give some context, the thread was from Justin Sevakis, one of the founders of Anime News Network and one of Zac’s closest friends.

Justin spoke about how Zac was going through what appeared to be a heavy alcohol relapse. Zac was struggling with alcoholism for a long time. Although I never knew him personally, I followed Zac on Twitter and he was candid about issues like depression. I kind of felt like I could relate to Zac in some way as I struggled with self-hatred for such a long time until 2017. I saw him in person at Crunchyroll Expo 2017 when I was there. So I was alarmed to hear that Zac died back in May this year.

As you can see from the thread, grief is complicated as Zac ended up hurting those who were closest to him in terrible ways, including Justin, before he died. I’m not going to say things like “Oh, he should have been stronger” because drug/alcohol addiction is a problem where being strong isn’t going to solve its menacing and complex nature. I wish more people understood how vicious the cycle is for someone who feels like they can’t get any better and those who feel like they can’t help them.

I dislike how alcohol is pushed as a “medicine” and stress reliever to deal with psychological problems. However, I know we have a really tough problem with how to talk about addiction. It’s either we blame the victim and/or the support system for not trying hard enough or making good choices. Addiction treatment isn’t perfect either. 

I also remember a quote I learned from a mental health advocate on recovery, “It’s not your fault, but it’s also your responsibility.” You may have been dealt a shitty hand in life and no one should give you crap for that. However, at some point, people can only deal with so much. There are things you can control and taking ownership of your actions empowers you in a way where you can say “I’ll take back my life, not you” to any substance use disorder/mental health condition.

I want more people to feel empowered by accepting responsibility for doing things that hurt the ones they love. Being responsible is a sign of autonomy. It’s a sign that you can fight back in some way. It’s a sign of hope. It’s a sign that you won’t let your ailment completely own you. I want support systems to be taught how to give life to their loved ones suffering through addiction and/or mental illness by preaching responsibility in a compassionate way.

I know this is a random post and long after the death happened, but as someone’s who once hated himself for 15 years and reading more about the circumstances that may have led to Zac’s death, I can’t help but feel extremely sad. I’m sorry for everyone involved. You never fully become 100% again when you have a chronic problem. Treatment is usually forever. 

But I think accepting that it’s a lifelong journey to recovery is a big first step to making reasonable changes to help you get better. I wish that society actually helps addicts that do want to get better in a way that doesn’t shame them. And I want addicts to know that if their loved ones enforce boundaries, they’re trying to make sure they’re in the best shape to appropriately help when needed. They’re trying to keep the perspective on the problem, not the person who has it.

I personally think it’s nice to see Zac have a lot of meaningful impact on people and I think it’s terrible that he hurt the people he loved and who supported him before he died. But like some anime/manga series with complex characters show, human beings are both beautiful and ugly.

All I know is that 2020 has been an awful year for everyone and I hope we can use the lessons learned from this year to better encourage people in recovery  next year and beyond (that doesn’t turn into enabling) because we’re going to have a lot of psychological distress incoming.

I wish I got a chance to talk to Zac years ago when I saw him. I think we would have some lively discussion about life and society’s ills. Right now, I’ll just channel that regret and continue to fight the real enemy that Zac lost to - self-hatred and society’s insistence on it - for as long as I live.

This my last post for 2020. I hope you all have a wonderful and safe holiday season. Next year is going to be an important one for all of us, so let’s get ready for it. I’ll see you then!

[drprettyboyspence]

Memory Lane

Dr. Spencer Reid/reader

Summary: Reader just can't seem to get to sleep one night so she decides to walk around the house she shares with her boyfriend, Spencer Reid. As she travels around the house she remembers significant moments in their relationship.

words: 2.9k

warnings: season 12 spoilers, mentioning of mental illness, nothing else to my knowledge! (just a lot of fluff) 

a/n: This is my first Spencer Reid fic and I kinda went off the rails with the word count, let me know if you enjoy it :)

I turn myself over in bed for what feels like the four hundredth time this hour, facing the ceiling now. I can hear the rustling of leaves outside and the distant sirens of the city, remembering how those sounds used to bring me some sort of comfort as a child, now all I can think of is the death and tragedy being an FBI profiler has brought me into contact with, the horrors at the end of the trail of sirens. Mostly noticeably though, I hear the steady breathing of the man lying next to me in the king bed, glancing over at my boyfriend of almost 4 years I smile warmly, his unruly hair draped over the pillow, glad to see him in deep sleep. Recently he hasn’t been sleeping well, suffering from PTSD from his time spent in prison as well as all the trauma the poor man has been through in the last 10 years of his life. I quietly get out of bed, making sure not to bother him, he deserves a good nights sleep and we have to be at the BAU in a depressingly minuscule amount of hours. My feet hit the cold wooden floors and I wonder for the uncountable time “Why did we decide on wooden floors?” A memory of an argument with Spencer answers my question,  

“Because silly, don’t you know that carpets can hold up to 200,000 bacteria per square inch, this room is 100 square feet, 144 square inches per square foot, that is 28,800,000 bacteria in our bedroom alone.” I remember shaking my head at him, he’s always been such a germaphobe. In fact, when we first met, he shook my hand, and later when I confided in JJ and Penelope that I had pretty intense feelings for the resident genius of the BAU, they mentioned that he usually hates shaking hands, is known for refusing to shake the hands of many people the team comes into contact with on cases. He shook my hand right away, it’s one of the things I love about him and we always say we knew right away that we had a special connection. I glance at Spencer’s sleeping frame one more time before leaving the bedroom and making my way down the hallway. There are pictures there, pictures of me and Spence, him and his mom, pictures of the team at work, Spencer won’t admit it often, but he wakes up every morning scared that he won’t remember those he loves, his mother’s dementia and schizophrenia have impacted him greatly. I stop in front of a picture of me and Spence, it’s the first picture we ever took together, Halloween almost 5 years ago now, at the FBI Halloween party.

October 2015

“Come on Y/n! How can you not love Halloween!”

“Spencer, what’s so great about Halloween!” I had asked laughing while filling up a plastic cup with punch. The party is fun, but all this dressing up just seems silly to me sometimes.

“It’s a uniquely American holiday! I mean, despite its obvious origins in the Celtic festival of Samhain and the Christian All Saints’ Day, it really is a melting pot of various immigrants’ traditions and beliefs. It became a little more commercialized in the 1950s with trick-or-treat, and today it rivals only Christmas in terms of popularity!” I catch JJ’s eyes from across the room, she gives me a sympathetic look as I’m stuck in another of Reid’s constant statistics rants. Frankly, I don’t understand how the rest of the team can cut Reid off when he’s like this. He’s so genuinely excited by this holiday it makes my budding feelings for the man standing in front of me even stronger.

“Aw you guys look so cute! Say cheese!” the always-hyper voice of Penelope Garcia shouts from across the bullpen, snapping a quick picture of me and Spence before running after Derek. I glance down at my phone and see a text from Penelope “It doesn’t take a profiler to realize how gone you are for him Y/n” I blush profusely before continuing my conversation with Spencer.

Present day

Tearing my eyes away from that specific picture, I continue walking to the end of the hallway, painfully aware that the floorboards are squeaking with my every step, hoping Spencer’s just-finished-a-case level of exhaustion will prevent him from waking up. I pass the threshold into the kitchen and see the dim light of the clock over the stove, the red 2:15 blinking back at me through my tired eyes, I just can’t seem to get to sleep tonight, I’m sure Spencer would say something like

“Chronic insomnia is usually tied to an underlying mental or physical issue. Anxiety, stress, and depression are some of the most common causes of chronic insomnia but even if you do not suffer from chronic insomnia, 35% of Americans report their sleep quality as poor or only fair.” Dating a living encyclopedia definitely has its perks I suppose. I walk towards the fridge and glance at the refrigerator, my eyes traveling to a postcard held up by a doctor who magnet. Houston, Texas the postcard reads.

February 2017

Me and Spencer had been dating for less than 6 months but as we had known each other for over a year I was falling head over heels in love with him. The last few months hadn’t been easy, Spencer learned that his mother had been diagnosed with dementia and not a day had gone by where he didn’t try and find a cure, he had been traveling to Houston,Texas to talk with his mother’s doctor, he then brought her to live with him in Virginia, it had been difficult to say the least. My fingers traced the edges of the postcard I had received in the mail this morning, then flipped it over and saw Spencer’s familiar scraggly handwriting, it read

Dear Y/n,

I was able to speak with my mother’s doctors today, I feel as though there must be more I can be doing, she seems to be responding to the medicines but I am looking into new methods of treating the disease. I miss you so much Y/n, and I miss the rest of the team as well, tell them I will be back as soon as I can, I hate the thought of you putting yourself in danger on cases without me there, not because I doubt your ability to protect yourself, but because I doubt my ability to handle being 1,402 miles away from you. Please do not worry about me, if you’re anxiously awaiting my return, stop looking at the clock because remember, when looking at a clock our brains anticipate what we’ll see faster than we actually see it, so the clock seems to stop, Ill be back before you know it Y/n.

With all my love, Spencer Reid.

I giggle quietly at the added facts, only Spencer would describe the phenomenon of a clock appearing stopped when glanced out. I’m concerned about Spencer though, I’m not sure what is going on, but there is definitely something not right with him and if I didn’t trust him so much I would consider asking Garcia to do a background check to check the legitimacy of his travels to Houston.

Present Day

This postcard is extremely bittersweet, the next week we were all rushing to Mexico, responding to a call that Spencer was in jail, I was a nervous wreck, we all were, it was an extremely rough 6 months, truly showing me how strong the man I love is. I push some of those harsh memories out of my brain, choosing to focus on the happy memories if I ever want to fall asleep tonight. There’s a coffee machine next to the fridge, if there’s one thing Spencer loves more than me, its coffee, or rather coffee flavored sugar with the amount of sweetener he puts in his cup every day. Spencer smells like coffee, almost always, he struggles to sleep most nights and therefore is always hyped up on caffeine. It's actually played a huge role in our relationship.

August 2016

Dr. Spencer Reid and I are walking to the BAU together as we do every single day, we live close to each other, close enough that he walks about 5 minutes before arriving at my house, we then walk to the coffee shop on the way to the train station. We’re best friends, but I’ve been secretly in love with him for months. Walking into Quantico, we get the daily glances from Penelope, Derek, and JJ who are sitting together looking at pictures of Henry. Penelope always teases me that we’re both so in love with each other that everyone can see it but us, it’s ironic actually. As much as I don’t believe Pen, I have been noticing small changes in Spence’s behavior the last couple months, prompting me to, in the deepest corners of my mind, hope that maybe he feels the same way, our friendship is worth too much to risk him not feeling the same way though, so I’m forever stuck. We aren’t on a case right now, so there’s a lot of paperwork to be done, at one point during the day I get up, asking Spence if he wants another cup of coffee before walking to the break room. I return after a brief 5 minutes and am surprised to see Derek sitting in my seat, arguing with Spencer.

“Come on Pretty boy! We both know you’re in love with her! Just ask her out man, she’ll say yes!”

“Morgan, quiet down, she’ll be back any minute, besides I’m 35 and Y/n is 32, I’m not saying there would even be a chance that we would get married but the marriage success rate in the United States is only 50%, the worst it has ever been, that therefore shows the state of relationships in the country as well, I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I could never lose her. Besides, I’ve never been good with women.”

“But that’s the thing pretty boy, you don’t have to be good with women, you’re already good with Y/n, she’s the one who matters, just ask her out man, you’ll regret it if you don’t.” With that Morgan walks away and I take a deep breath, its now or never, walking over to Spencer and setting down the cup, whispering in his ear,

“You never know how good with women you are until you try, Spence” He looks up at me with wide eyes and licks his tongue across his lips, something he does often.

“Um, Y/n, y-you heard all of that?” I nod and I can see Spence take a deep breath just as I did before walking over, “W-would you like to um- go to dinner with me Y/n?”

“Hmm I don’t know…” Spencer’s face starts to fall as I quickly continue “Of course I would love to go to dinner with you silly, what did you think?” His smile lights up the entire room as he pulls me into a deep hug.

“Well finally you two. You couldn’t have waited just a few more months though, I assumed you lovebirds wouldn’t get it together until after Spencer’s birthday” Rossi says from behind us, passing a pretty hefty stack of bills to Penelope.

That was the day that started the greatest adventure of my life.

Present Day

I leave the kitchen and walk to the living room, a chilly breeze blows my hair slightly askew, its June in Virginia, warm enough that all I’m wearing is one of Spence’s oversized MIT shirts with pajama shorts, but the night air causes slight goosebumps on my skin, sending me into my memories once again.

August 2019

Spencer and I are sitting on the couch, participating in yet another Doctor Who marathon on the tv, it's a rare day off from work and the hot summer air fills our living room even with the fan blowing through the house. I lie my head in Spencer’s lap as we watch the tv and his strong hand strokes the back of my neck, causing goosebumps to pop up all over my arms. I giggle and glance up at him causing him to pointedly look at me asking me with his eyes “What is so funny that you dare distract from Doctor Who?”

“It’s just strange, its 95 degrees outside but your hands on my neck give me goosebumps like its a crisp fall day, isn’t that funny baby?”

“Of course the most common cause of goosebumps is cold weather, but when you’re experiencing extreme emotions, the human body responds in a variety of ways. Two common responses include increased electrical activity in the muscles just under the skin and increased depth or heaviness of breathing, resulting in goosebumps.” I roll my eyes at him and playfully swat his hair out of his eyes.

“Only you, Dr. Spencer Reid, would take a romantic statement and turn it into statistics, and I love you for that” he kisses me and well, the Doctor Who marathon was quickly turned off after that.

Present Day

As I turn the corner into the living room I smile warmly, it’s the room that Spencer and I like the best. There are book cases lining the back wall, Spencer loves books, I’d ask him what made his books so special and he’d tell me stories of his childhood, his mom reading him 15th century literature, I loved when Spence told me stories about his childhood.

December 2017

I knocked on the door of Spencer’s apartment, it wasn’t like him to be late for our daily walk to work especially because he had been on probation after his time in jail. I received no answer, prompting my concern as I unlocked the door with the key he had given me. I walked into his living room and saw him, Spencer was sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by books, running his fingers up and down the pages as he does when he’s reading at his top speed.

“Spence what on earth are you doing! Where did all these books come from? We aren’t on a case are we?”

“This year in the United States alone there have been 328,259 new books published, I read at 20,000 words per minute but at an average of 100,000 words per book, it would take me 27,377 hours to read all those books!”

“Oh Spencer how I love you, you don’t need to read every book ever published, are you going to start reading romance novels?” I tease while picking up a copy of 50 Shades of Gray from the ground at Spencer’s feet.

“Okay maybe you’re right, I just feel like I missed so much time when I was incarcerated, all that reading I could’ve done when I was trapped in that place, it's time I can never get back.”

“Spencer, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you, but this is not going to help that feeling go away, let’s go to work.” Spencer nodded and began to tidy up the floor before following me out the door.

“Wait, Y/n, I have to ask you something that I’ve meant to say since I’ve gotten out of jail, and I might as well say it now, will you move in with me?” He’s chewing on his bottom lip again and I jump into his arms in excitement, kissing his hair as he caresses the back of my head.

“Of course I’ll move in with you! I love you, Dr. Spencer Reid.”

“And I love you Y/n Y/l/n.”

Present Day

I’m coming around to the opposite side of the living room now, sitting down on the couch in front of the fireplace. I love the fireplace in our house and I think secretly Spencer does too. We argued for days over the safety of having a fireplace in our house, Spencer of course supplied with enough knowledge of house fires to last him 5 lifetimes, “But Spencer it’ll be so cozy, doesn’t it sound romantic to cuddle up by the fire?” I had pleaded with him the day we toured the house for the first time.

“Y/n, there were an average of 357,400 residential fires per year in the US between 2012 and 2014, an average of 22,300 of those fires were caused by a fireplace or chimney!”

“But Spenceee, that’s only 6.24% of the residential house fires during that period, 43.9% were from cooking equipment, are you going to forbid us from having a kitchen too?” Hey, don’t underestimate how useful a cellphone calculator and a quick google search can be in winning an argument against your genius boyfriend. Obviously, we had ended up agreeing on the fireplace, but Spencer was still overly cautious whenever it was in use. As I stood in front of the fireplace I became hyper aware of the floorboards creaking in the hallway just as they had done when I left the room earlier, I felt a presence enter the room and the 6’1” frame of my boyfriend wrapped his long arms around me from behind while burying his face in the hollow of my shoulder.

“Hi, baby, what are you doing up so late? Are you feeling okay? Can’t seem to get to sleep?” I nod back at him and recline my head so it rests on his strong chest.

“I was just taking a trip down memory lane I suppose” I say before smiling up at the love of my life.