#and like. i already do that at uni can we not do that irl too

[perilegs]

ok ok as soon as i develop the ability to understand clear instructions i will have nøkk with both autopsy AND top surgery scars in my game and then it's over for me

[kaiserkisser]

mutuals appreciation post <333

hello, everyone. this is my end of year mutuals appreciation post to thank each and every one of you here, who has put up with me enough to be friends with me. I simply can't put it into words how much I love yall and how much im grateful to all of you for being here, but I'll still try. I wish all of you a very very happy new year ❤

@delusina kaz, thank you. thank u sm for everything. you were my first mutual and i love you sm for that. almost all the friends i have right now, they're thanks to you. i still remember sending you cat pics every week in the beginning (im sorry i forgot to continue that 😭) and you and vi are the reason ✿❀ anon exists <3 ilysmm <333

@floraldresvi VIVI. ILYSM. ik ive already sent you a new year ask but still i can never express my appreciation for you enough <3 thank you sm vi for literally always being there for me, and i hope i can return the favor whenever you need :) i lovelovelove seeing you in my notifs :)) also baivi rules <333

@chosokisser mai my bbg my love /p again, ive already mesaaged you, but still, im so glad i have you in my life. if you need absolutely anything, if you just wanna talk to smn, or anything, ill always be here. in fact, we can even commit arson together if you want :DD and remember that me and choso adore you to heaven and back <333

@haithamvoid again, thank you sm for being friends with me. <33 im literally so glad for the day i opened tumblr to find mai forcing us to socialize XD we seem to have a bunch of shared interests and i remember the times we sent each other a bunch of kaiser (and gojo??) pics ehehe (also if you play genshin then on which server-)

@damyoujackson uhm thank u sm for being my irl bestie. I mean it. honestly i dont think ive actually had a friend i clicked with as much as i did with you in a long time. ik its probably not easy putting up with someone weird like me so erm tysm.. in all seriousness im really glad we're friends <33 ( we do NOT talk abt this in school OKAY.) (<- me being awkward)

@noomon you are an absolutely amazing, warm and pleasant person to be around! (And i love your aesthetic too omg) anyways you're very caring and nice and i always perk up whenever i see you in my notifs or inbox <33

@mikacynth mikaaa its been agesss i hope you're doing alright and uni is treating you well </3 again, one of my first mutuals that i interacted with bc you were a 'mutual in law' of mine hehe :) you're also an awesome and fun person to be around, so remember that me and kaeya love u <333

@yinyinggie yingg! You're such a big blog, so thank you sm for interacting with me! you're totally wonderful, and im so glad i got to participate in the ebg hosted by you hehe that was SO much fun <333(and it hurt my heart too but nvm-) anyways ilysmm <33

@alexisomnias aaah alexisss we dont interact much these days but still, i love you so so much, you are someone i always love seeing on my dash or in my notifs <3 and i adore alekav too its so cutee <333

@kitorin omg yes soutaa you're another person who shows up on my dash often and i love that you do <3 i hope you dont mind all the times ive tagged you in smth ahshshdhb i also always smile whenever i see u in my notifs so thank u smm for being moots with me <33

also to @ilyuu @m1shapanda @supernova25 @chooodles @camvrin @meidnightrain we havent interacted much this year, but ive loved seeing you guys often on my dash so i hope we interact more this next year <333 please dont mind me tagging you dhshsh

Happy New Year to all of you!!!! I hope you all have all the joys of the world and that all your wishes get fulfilled, because you guys totally deserve it 💕

I found a little something too here that i wanted to share with all of you since i thought you guys might like it <333

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hey AKHTS, I recently discovered that I am aromantic. my pronouns are she/her btw lol. My stepdad (who is a constant trigger, he(cis ofc) constantly calls me "an incel with a different coat of paint" and mocks me for "getting no chicks." He deadnames me as well as saying that I am "coping" with not being able to find a partner. He also s I don't mean to trauma dump(we aromantics have to know how to deal with trauma as we deal with it every day), but can you give some advice to deal with this?

Heya! First off sorry, I think a part of your message might've cut off based on what I'm reading, I hope I didn't miss anything too important TwT

Also don't worry about any concerns of trauma dumping!! One of the perks of being online is to be able to connect with people who might relate and sympathize with us after all TwT

I'm so sorry for your situation though... That seriously sounds like a headache and a heartache. I'm part of the lucky ones, as my parents never gave me that amount of shit... Just misunderstanding at worst but no judgement, at least not about THAT part of me. When my dad remarried I also had the option to keep a fair distance away from his wife as I'd already gone away to uni. So I'm not sure any advice I personally give may be the most accurate... I apologize in advance if it sounds naive or anything!

One thing I've found is that sometimes asking obvious questions might leave some form of satisfying reaction behind. Like asking "is having a partner really necessary in life? Like, do I need it to survive?" for one thing. Of course it's FAR from working all the time, because normative people will be normative people, and if you feel that'll lead to nothing with him, feel free to disregard that. A lot of the time, I feel, exhausting yourself trying to reason with a person who can't be reasoned with is worse for your mental wellbeing than not bothering and staying away from people who won't understand as much as possible... It's sad and definitely not ideal but you gotta give yourself the mental breaks.

So I'd say, if he's really too much (which he probably is based on what you're saying), avoid interacting with him as much as you're able to (it's on him at this point) and especially (I imagine that last part would be easier to do than the former) try to surround yourself with people and things that'll validate you otherwise, IRL if you can or online, to compensate for the lack of validation at home. It's not much, and I definitely feel like I'm hardly giving any advice at all here and just being milquetoaste, so sorry about that, but I hope it can be something in the meantime...

Of course ultimately the main fix I'd recommend is to get out of there and live independently as soon as you can, because that solved most things for me, but I know that's getting harder by the year (and I already became financially independent like 8 years ago so you can imagine how much easier I had it), so I don't know when that can happen, but I really hope you can sooner than later TwT

[lamonnaie]

hi! what are your wishes for gmmtv 2024 part 2? and when do you think is part 2 going to happen? :D

ooh hi anon !!

Apparently phuwin said recently that part 2 would be at the end of the year (so like dec?), but that seems way too soon imho. dec's already pretty busy with starlympics etc, and i don't rlly see the point in splitting the program into 2 if they're so close tgt?? Sooo if i hadn't heard that, i'd think it would be in february or march next year.

i think most of my wishes from part 1 are gonna translate over to part 2 lmao, there were a lot of things i was expecting/wanted that didn't end up happening. So here's a list in no specific order:

MIDNIGHT MUSEUM SEASON 2 - PLS i need it so bad 😩😩 we got enigma s2 so surely this isn't so farfetched??

Firstkhao romcom - NOT directed by p'new

Perthchimon main series - non-high school, more high stakes

Ohm pawat in a jojo directed show - basically i wanna see him kiss anyone and everyone

Neomark comedy - rip neomark in cooking crush, gone but not forgotten

Fluke pusit main role - wanna see him paired up with someone new, he is part of the elite group of actors consistently in bl roles without a fixed partner which i love

Joongdunk series - non-high school with a better script (i love joongdunk's dynamic irl, but i've never rlly been into any of their shows. just wanna see them not play basically the same characters all the time when they're starring tgt 😩)

Bl with the "older" guys !!! - i need more papang on my screens all the time so this one's for him 🫡🫡 but also podd, pepper, guy, and a couple others (okay now that i'm looking at it, most of these guys aren't even 30 idk what i'm saying why are they always categorised as old 😭😭 basically i just want bl shows with these guys)

Joong main role in a het series - i know he's in ploy's yearbook but that's more an ensemble cast thing

winnysatang lead series - again, they're leads in we are the series but there's 4 couples in that show so who knows how much screen time each one's gonna get shjdkfj i also wanna see them in a non-high school/uni show

That being said, the 3 shows in part 1 that i was least expecting (my golden blood, wandee goodday, kidnap) ended up being the 3 i'm most excited for, so rlly i just hope that i'm pleasantly surprised with whatever they come up with :)

(i'm also not very creative as u can see above lmao, most of my wishes are just to do with actors rather than concepts)

[genericeurofan]

finally sitting down and making a post to kinda introduce myself and explain any possible downsides to my internet vibe

SO….for starters, you guys can call me al, although i’m really in the market for a new nickname with a horrific backstory lmao. I use she/her pronouns, and I live in the US!

I’ve been OBSESSED with ESC since 2018! Eurovision has been the one thing that’s been consistently good throughout my life and i’m too far invested to give it up lmao.

Anywho, here’s some random little fun facts about me!

- I pretty much fit every description of my zodiac sign/personality types. I’m a Gemini, ENTP-T, and my enneagram is 8w7. Maybe it explains why i’m such a spiteful human being

- I’m starting my first year of uni in August and I could not be more excited !!!!!

- I LOVE history and will make it a point to visit as many historical sites and museums as possible on every trip I go on! I love going to historical reenactments and hope to do that as a side quest sometime in the future.

- Maybe 80% of my current playlist is Eurovision related, but I’ll listen to anything (although i’m VERY picky about country music). I have a playlist on Spotify called “intro to my shockingly basic music taste” that i’ve been using to introduce potential uni friends to what I listen to, feel free to check it out!

- I’ve only been to 4 concerts which surprisingly is NOTHING compared to everyone else I know irl. So far i’ve seen Three Doors Down, Coolio/Vanilla Ice, My Chemical Romance with 100 Gecs, and Måneskin (which was BY FAR the most fun i’ve ever had).

- Speaking of music, my top artist right now are Marco Mengoni and Joker Out. Can you tell I miss eurovision?!?! I was also in the top 10% of Doja Cat listeners last year..,…

- My best friend (who I met through Eurovision groups) recently wrote a book and it’s dedicated to me! It’s by far my biggest flex. (they also run the podcast for the esc news account we volunteer for and i was the first and probably most chaotic guest)

- I don’t watch a lot of tv…my favorite shows are literally Community and Antiques Roadshow….

- I do, however, watch a LOT of movies! I watched 74 movies last year and ranked them! I *mostly* love really boring historical dramas and war movies so you already KNOW i’m gonna go crazy for Oppenheimer when that comes out. Some of my faves (in no particular order) are All Quiet on the Western Front, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Airplane!, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, and Memphis Belle.

wow it’s actually really hard to write about myself now that I think about it…but i’m SO down to answer any questions and what not! (plz bc i don’t interact with anyone irl how crazy of me)

Other than running this account, I also started my first ESC season as a team member of a moderately-sized Eurovision news group on instagram, which has been INCREDIBLY fun! I highly suggest you guys get involved in something like that if you’re looking for friends in the ESC community (which i’m still on the hunt for, but i’ve got a good start). Along with that, I also make silly little eurovision related whisper posts and you can find a few of those here, but there’s plenty more on my little side account @escwhxpers! My DMs are open there pretty much all of the time!

yuck ig promotion is WEIRD

so yeah! hopefully everything was spelled right and that this was…informative?

also my pinterest is @allshaj if you wanna see all of the eurovision related things i’m printing out and hanging in my dorm room lmao

[fyeahkaimelia]

this has Nothing to do w greys anatomy and i havent even been active here (but hey, this season is back so i just might be too) but i need to vent somewhere and i can’t do it on main cause irl ppl follow me there. i don’t even mind them knowing these things like its not a secret or anything but idk it’s weird

i owe ab r$ 130.000 to my university. every year i Don’t Pay the bills and owe them a huge amount of money and then they let me pay like 1/5 or even 1/6 of what i owe to be able to enroll in the next school year. i’m currently starting 4th year of med school (it’s 6 years long). this time they said they’d only do that thing where i pay a fifth of what i owe now and leave the rest to pay “later” if i use a credit card, which i don’t have — all my payments have always been thru debit yk. and i can’t get a credit card cause i owe the bankS (plural, i owe money to like every bank in the country) like over 200k from loans i’ve taken before, which i’ll never pay them back probably (it’s okay, i don’t have anything to my name so they can’t legally take anything from me cause of it). which is why i obviously also can’t get a loan.

i currently have about 40k. i’m selling my shitty car for 7k, i have a solid buyer, so i guess i have ab 47k. i’m trying to sell a shitty studio apartment in a bad neighborhood for 70k, even though it’s worth ab 120k, just to try to get it sold as fast as possible. i work a part time honest job for less than a minimum wage and i use that money to “pitch in” and help pay the bills (i live w my mom and she pays for everything but sometimes we fall short).

and i sell stuff on the side. how much i sell is directly related to how much extra cash i need that month, but it’s usually around 1k. if i really put myself out there i can make much, much more, and i usually avoid that so i don’t get too well known™, but recently (since like november) i’ve been doing that, and making ab 5k a month (which is how i’ve been saving money these past few months), and i’m currently facing the opportunity of expanding that further and maybe even make up to 10k a month from selling my stuff alone, but i’m not sure if i’ll do that cause i think people are already getting too comfy introducing my services™ to other ppl, and i even got a street name. that was sort of a wake up call for me. i sometimes get texts from strange numbers that’ll be like “hey, [insert friend’s name] gave me ur number” and i check with that friend if they’re cool before selling etc, but lately those ‘friends of friends’ all started calling me dr. hu, and it sort of caught on, and ppl who aren’t in any way connected to those ppl told me they’ve heard my “name” (dr. hu) being brought up by strangers in a couple of hang out spots in my neighborhood, and that really made me rethink the whole thing. it’s okay, my neighborhood is pretty chill, there’s not much activity here, there’s only a few parks where young ppl go to have fun, there aren’t any territorial gangs or anything, so at least i’m safe from that. but still.

also, “dr. hu” is a reference to this guy (i didnt get it at first, i thought they were saying dr who first few times i heard it):

ANYWAY. back to the point. i’ve been going to class even though i’m not officially enrolled in this semester yet, cause that’s what my lawyer told me to do, cause we’ll try to get a judge to demand my uni to let me pay in installments w debit or cash or a fucking check like it’s fucking 2007, whatever, just not credit. (idk if it wasn’t clear before, but they let me pay in cash if i pay the entire amount at once, i just don’t have that rn). but if we can’t get a judge to do that (we should find out by next week), my only way out would be if i can sell the apartment until before my exams start — and they start on march 15. otherwise i won’t be able to take the exams and i’ll automatically flunk all my classes, so.

my second option (if both the apartment thing and judge thing fail) would be to transfer to a different uni. that would hurt me deeply cause i like my uni’s curriculum better, it’s the best in the state, and i know i’d be transferring to a uni that isn’t as good. and mostly cause i’m already so integrated in my uni, i have my friends and my academic leagues and i’ve been a pharma TA (which gives me a 20% scholarship) and intended to keep on it, and i write papers for it and i had big plans to write ab some of my special interests in pharma (yea drugs are a special interest to me fr lol) and get to show them in medical conferences etc.

and there’s my bf. he’s the best thing ab uni to me tbh, he’s the reason i wake up in the morning exhausted but still excited to go to class cause he’ll be there. and it’s hard for us to see each other cause we both have jobs that demand a lot from us (i work as an “assistant” to er doctors — they pay me directly to do their work part time so they can sleep or study for residency undisturbed during part of their shifts, and he works with politics). so we only rly see each other out of class like once a week; and it’s fine cause we see each other in class almost everyday and we skip class to get high and make out on campus sometimes (like fucking teenagers ik ik), but all of that will be gone if i transfer. i’ll be lucky if i get to see him for a few hours a week. and it kinda feels like my world will colapse if that happens. i know it’s dramatic but idk, he’s kinda the light of my life rn. i know i’d get over it, i’d get over him if i had to, but i don’t want it to come to that, i really don’t, cause i’m in love & i genuinely believe we could have the life of our dreams together soon enough

anyway. transferring would genuinely be horrible but i’d get used to it. i’m already getting used to that possibility. yesterday it felt like it was the end of the world, i sobbed like a child just for considering it for a second, it felt like when ur a kid and everything gets taken away from u and u find out the world is a cruel and unjust place for the first time (i got sent to an international boarding school at age 6 man idk that’s how it felt like). but now i’m already more accepting of that possibility. i’d survive it, i’ve survived much worse, and i’d learn to enjoy it (in a bittersweet way). i’d probably lose touch with my best friend from uni (which SUCKS ASS cause he’s one of the best friends i’ve ever had, friends like him are hard to come across yk), but i’d make new friends eventually. maybe i’d find a way to make my relationship work. and i’d get to Not pay 130 thousand reais to my uni; bitches didn’t let me pay my way, they ain’t ever seeing money from me again. which would be pretty nice

and my third option, my worst option, is taking a gap year. just pausing everything. i finished 3rd grade in 2022, and i’d start 4th grade in 2024. a gap year. it’d come to that if the couple of unis i’d consider transferring to need me to take extra classes (essentially “repeat” some classes i’ve already taken) because of curriculum differences. it’d suck so, so much, but i’m still tryna prepare myself mentally for that possibility. honestly med school is my life. idk how i’d cope without medicine. honestly i skip class all the time and i hate some of my classes and i hate working with clinical medicine (which i’m required to do as a student) but still, my life kinda revolves around the fact that i’m on my way to becoming a doctor. it’s kind of what i live for. i’m not a straight As student, i’ve never been a pleasure to have in class, i get Bs and mostly Cs and i don’t study for my classes like i should, i don’t turn in my assignments, i’m essentially a very Bad student, but medicine is still my life. pharmacology and anesthesiology are my special interests. reading the entire goodman & gilman book for fun several times kinda thing. and i feel like that’s what i’m worth. i know it’s not healthy, but my entire sense of self worth is based on my academic life. which is ridiculous cause i’m not even a good student! but having mediocre grades and only studying for the few classes that i actually enjoy somehow is enough for me to feel ok ab myself. not great, i don’t have awesome self esteem, but okay enough yk. but my self esteem will go to zero so fast if i simply don’t have an academic life anymore.

and what would i do with a gap year? i’d probably work more, and maybe sell more, and maybe, just maybe, i’d work on myself. study more ab the things i’m interested in, go to the gym, help my mom w her garden. but the truth is i’d probably fall into a self destructive pattern of sleeping all day and binge eating and doing drugs. letting dirty dishes pile up all over my room, wearing the same set of pjs for weeks, not washing my hair like ever. eventually stop going to work, never leave the house. start getting social anxiety, avoiding all my friends, shutting down completely. going days without eating or seeing a single person irl. it’s happened before more than a few times, i know how i can be. i’ve had enough clinical depression episodes. and i think it could go harder than ever before (the worst one i’ve ever had was in 2017, when i spent 2 months in bed).

ok i kinda spiraled there. maybe that wouldn’t happen. it probably wouldn’t happen. and one good thing is i’d definitely find a way to make more money, so i could actually spend some on something other than bills. i could finally get the tattoos i want. ok but that’s the only silver lining i can find. and even if i didn’t fall into a depression™, would my relationship survive it? cause yea, i’d have time and money to see him, work around his schedule since he’d be busier than me, but i’d feel like shit. i’d feel like i’m worth less than him because he’d be too ahead of me academically, and i’d be stagnated. i can’t explain it.

[greywindys]

show us the neopets! /lh (you don't have to if you don't want to)

Ahhh I'll do so happily!! I've been holding onto this ask because I needed a time where I could sit down and adequately screenshot everything. Warning for Neopets!! I'm probably going to use a lot of jargon that makes no sense to non-players, but that's just how it is. If you have any interest in more detailed explanations about wtf I'm talking about, I would check Youtube! There have been some great videos released in the past month outlining the mechanics of the game, the lore, recent events etc. Anyhow...

This is my Gelert, Lightning (misspelled as "Lighting" because little kid me couldn't spell). He is the very first pet I ever created. I might update his paint job soon to something more exciting, but I also like the simplicity. His petpet (recently painted Spring) is named after my IRL dog. I love them both.

This is Butters, my second oldest pet. Idk what I was thinking when I was naming him. Actually no, I do - my little kid self was edgy. But I can't ever part with him because he's from my childhood. I somehow managed to transfer him (along with Lighting) across two accounts without losing him, he is a relic. That won't be his permanent petpet either. I'm still figuring that one out 🤔

And here we are veering at least slightly on topic - my Lupe, Murdoc. Or Murdocs, since the actual "Murdoc" name was taken. I made him after a long hiatus from the site when I returned briefly (only to leave again up until now). If I truly wanted to commit to making a pet that represents Murdoc, I probably should have chosen a bug or reptilian species...but I don't want a bug or reptilian species ever. His petpet is a reference to the yak he got 2D during P5 fkadlfa. I'd like to ultimately find him one that looks like The Evangelist, but the petpet i have in mind is like, 10 million neopoints, or something insane like that. And I can't get him Cortez. Why, you might ask? Well...

This is Sanemi. His character has been a wolf in canon, but since I already had Murdoc, I opted for a cat instead, which I think is also fitting. He's typically associated with the colors green, white, and black, but his eyes are purple, so Wraith it was. The leaves are probably as close as I'll get to creating a "wind breathing" effect, and I'm working on finding him an appropriate sword (it's not going well jkadal). He has a few pets, but the only named one is his crow, Sorai. I don't want doubles anywhere if I can help it, so no Cortez for Murdoc.

This is Sansa, named for Sansa Stark from ASoIaF/Game of Thrones. Her petpet is Lady, named after her late direwolf (RIP). I couldn't not have a GOT reference somewhere, and I also love Woodland Unis.

This is Rusalka, named after my current favorite song by the Decemberists. I'm probably going to change her color to faerie soon-ish, despite the fact that I chose Maraquan in the first place because of the song and name reference. But they're bringing back the original Faerie Neopet art sometime this year, and I love the way faerie Ixis look, and I always wanted one when I was younger (I was too poor back then).

This is my second-newest pet, Kacchan. He's a Kacheek (Get it? Kacchan, Kacheek lmao). I finally settled on how I wanted my Bakugou pet to look. I still have to get him a few more accessories, namely a mask and a glitter effect, because in case you didn't know, canon Bakugou is literally sparkling right now. I also intend to change his petpet. The one he has now is just filler until I can save up for the paint brush I need.

And this is my brand new pet, 2Doc! Sjfkaldfj. I outsmarted the system - "2Doc" might have been taken, but Twodoc was not. She isn't staying that color, might not be staying that species, and definitely won't be keeping that petpet. She's currently call a "lab rat." It'll take to long to fully explain, but basically, if you collect a certain amount of map pieces, you can unlock the secret lab ray where you can zap your pet once a day. It's completely random and can changes species, color, gender, and stats. I plan on zapping her until it feels right, but I kinda want her to be zap Burlap or Plushie atm. We'll see what happens! In this specific pet's case, it's more about having the name than having an accurate customization.

And finally, this is my Giyuu/Sanemi pet. There aren't really a lot of references here, I again mainly thought it would be funny to have a pet named after a ship, and I created him at a time when I didn't think a 2Doc pet was obtainable. And if we're being completely honest, this ship is better than 2Doc anyways. I also love Plushie pets and the fact that most people probably wouldn't be able to tell that he has a ship name just from looking at the collection of letters. It's stealth lmao.

So, notably missing from this list is a Succession inspired pet. I more than anyone, want, no need to make a Succession pet soon, but the species I have in mind is limited addition, and can only be created on their specific day (the anniversary of the day they were first released). So unless I want to blow through half of my life savings (in neopoints, not actual money), I have to wait until April. Which rn, is what I'm doing unless I'm very fortunate in my dailies or weekly prize.

Anyhow, those are my pets so far!

[taegularities]

Ah Rid, you don't have to worry about me truly. I've just been in my feels recently and especially tonight. I hope this little ramble doesn't just pile on bad vibes onto you when you're already feeling down because that's the last thing I want 🥺🥺🥺 But I guess it's better if I don't just let these thoughts fester in my head huh?

It's really not even anything that bad or big, but lately I've just felt quite... lonely irl. Or maybe more like craving deeper human connection? Because I do have people around me that I talk to and hang out with but it doesn't exactly feel enough. And thinking about it more it doesn't even have to be romantic (although that's where my brain went to at first) but just something closer, more intimate and personal.

All of that had me thinking back to the many friendships I've been in in the past years and how the atmosphere in a lot of them was very negative, so that's why I kept changing friend groups a lot. And then I was finally in a place where I had two very close girl friends and everything was so positive and uplifting, it was really nice. We naturally drifted apart and I'm fine with that, I just miss that closeness and positive energy, that connection and feeling of knowing each other so well.

And I was so excited to start uni because I actually love the process of initially getting to know people too, but now I just want something more 😔😔😔

I feel like that's definitely something that I should actively be building up too though so it feels like if it makes me so sad, why aren't I doing something about it yk? That's something I should probably think about more, how to make it happen. I just feel like not only do I want more love to be given to me, but also even more like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to.

That being said I'm grateful for all of the people in my life. And feeling like this recently has made me appreciate everybody I've met online so so so much more than I already was. Everyone here, including you, Rid, makes me feel so so very happy and loved. It's just not easy when one of my main love languages is physical touch and everyone's all over the world and I can't actually hug you lmao.

I reeeeally wasn't sure if I should ramble to you because as I said, I didn't want to add onto your bad feelings, but I don’t think I can really say this to anyone else without feeling silly and I believe in the benefit of letting your feelings out. So thank you as always for listening, Rid. Please don't feel obligated to reply or anything if you don't have the emotional energy, it just feels good to put these thoughts out there.

I truly believe that we'll all be okay very very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs and all of the love in the world 💞💞💞

awh god, bby :((

reading this made me so sad. don't feel bad about it, it just means i care btw! i just hate that so many people have been feeling that way. i honestly get that 100% bc i too have been feeling a lot like this in the past few months.

loneliness sucks. sometimes you want to talk about something, but you don't know with whom. or sometimes, you want to go for lunch or dinner or go see a movie but can't figure out who to ask. i get it... i think there's always a point in life when loneliness strikes hardest, but i think we need to keep in mind that it's not our fault, or at least not always.

like, you said you know you could change it if you just tried, or that you need to push yourself harder. which is good. it's always great to acknowledge what can be done. but, and i always tell that myself too, it's not always easy and that's okay!! don't put yourself down. like, opening up can be fkn hard, especially after this stupid pandemic, so it's genuinely okay if it takes some time, you know? i was excited for uni as well bc i thought i could finally make new friends, but then you enter the room and just... ugh it's hard. ofc we crave intimate relationships of any kind, and yes friendships drift apart, but finding new ones just requires patience i think.

those are all things i tell myself daily. bc otherwise id spiral more lol and yes i'm so so thankful for everyone here, too. i love all my virtual moots and friends and readers and everyone, but it stinks that i can't hug anyone, so yeah ofc we'd want that irl warmth.

it'll happen !! take your time, dive into relationships step by step, doesn't have to happen overnight. there's this jk biased army girl, right? try with her if you'd like, but don't push yourself too hard. be comfortable. and also, never feel bad for venting, bc while i worry, your pain won't add to mine. like, i like to help.. so it's alright, anytime. and yeah, we'll be okay, at least at some point, you're right my love 💕

[nikatyler]

100 OC Questions for Caleb Rose - 1, 11, 23, 36, 50, 60, 71. 83 & 97

1. What common traits do you share with your oc? What about them is the least like you?

We have too much in common haha. The anxiety, the depression. (Ha, what a fun way to start this.) We're both very shy and uncomfortable in social situations. We even studied the same things in uni (which for him I decided way before I decided to study it too).

Least like me...dunno. Probably the fact he was actually able to finish uni and meanwhile I gave up 😂 The depression and burnout got me, thankfully he had a good support system.

11. Does your oc have a good sense of direction? Do they get lost easily?

He's certainly not the best with directions and maps, but when he concentrates, he can do it.

23. How graceful is your oc? Are they elegant in their movements, or more clumsy?

Caleb is definitely more on the clumsy side. He hates dancing, he thinks he looks super awkward when he attempts any dance moves. And, well, he does, even if Rory might be trying to convince him otherwise.

36. What is your oc’s fight or flight response like? What sorts of things provoke it the most?

Flight. He's a flight boy. I've sort of said this already, social situations are the worst for him. If he can, he will try to be alone and make sure no one can get to him. Like locking himself in the bedroom, or leaving to sit alone in the bathroom for a bit.

50. How attentive is your oc? How perceptive are they? How easily do they get distracted?

He's very aware of everything that is going on. It's the anxiety. 😅 But at the same time, he gets overwhelmed by his surroundings and gets distracted really easily. Absent-minded sims 🤷‍♀️

60. How good is your oc at keeping track of time? Are they always late, always early, or always right on time?

He always tries to come early, especially because he knows how easily he can get distracted, so that way, he can still come on time - although that will stress him out, he just *needs* to come like half an hour early everywhere haha. It’s the anxiety again.

71. What is your oc’s go-to for offense? What weapon, what style of fighting? Or are words more their weapon of choice?

He’s not really one to hurt people, although his nonsims version does stab a man at one point. (long story 🤷‍♀️) Same with words, he doesn’t like fighting. He’ll just try to “shut up” his way out of the argument. As you can imagine, it doesn’t always work (lol, especially when they’re bickering with Tyler, every “shut up” is an invitation for more teasing)

83. What is your oc’s favourite trait about themselves? What about their least liked? What would others like and dislike the most about your oc?

He likes that he’s hardworking, he knows that hard work will get him anywhere. As for what he doesn’t like about himself, that would probably be his low self confidence. Sure, hard work can get him anywhere, but he’s never sure if he’s hardworking enough to get there, if that makes sense.

Other people like his kindness (sure, some have tried to exploit it too). Some might be annoyed by his shyness and read it as “he thinks he’s better than us, that’s why he’s not talking to us”. A lot of people also don’t like that he can be pretty negative, he’s grumpy about most things.

97. How old is your oc physically? How old are they in mental maturity? When are they most mature, and when are they the least?

It depends, really 😅 Legacy Caleb? Old and dead. The Caleb from my random pictures? Usually anywhere between 20-30. The story that shall not be named? 18. Matching everyone’s ages to real timeline? Almost 23 (I like to imagine triplets would be ‘99 babies irl). How long I’ve had him as a character? Almost 6 years.

As for how old he is mentally...well, from young age he’s been cursed with the “old soul” and “mature for his age” labels from adults, but it’s true, he’s always been a bit more mature than his peers. Except when he’s right next to his fellow triplets, then they’re all usually acting super childish lol

Thanks for the ask! ♥

[skiddodeeznutz]

ooc! hi. I’m pretending Pokémon are real and using some of my irl pets and past Pokémon in games because I love them. My character is just me but if I am a pokemon trainer so no huge lore please? Ty! slightly nsfw for drug and some sex jokes! :3

name is de, student at Ecruteak University in Johto. Here's the card:

The top row is the ones you might find around my house or floating around me, last row are my main battling Pokemon.

I’m 19, born and raised in Paldea. (I swear I'm not as pale it's just winter). Spent some time in the summers in Kalos, and I have family mostly in Unova and Sinnoh. I’m studying Grass Pokémon with an emphasis in research, management and restoration. I really want to work with flower Pokémon too!

I like plants and Pokémon. A lot.

I currently have an Espurr of which I nicknamed Bubbles. She is my first personal Pokémon that I can remember. She’s so cute, my stepdad actually got her from a shelter and they said she was living in the city streets of Lumiose City but she trusted me and we formed a kinda? psychic bond really easily and now we’re best pals :)

My Greninja, Fiona (who I also call Froakie since she's my first Pokemon) came back to me once I was cleaning my room before I left for uni. I just found this pokéball and when I opened it she popped out and hugged me! She was really attached to me already and wanted to go on more adventures with me. I couldn't ask for more, and she now is my personal protector, and one of my strongest Pokémon. She loves to fight and no matter what she is my baby. She has protected me and been the best Pokémon a trainer could ask her.

One of the Pokemon you will ALWAYS see me with, who I've bonded with closely, and inspired me to go into the "Flower Field" is my Hoppip, Poppy. She came to me one day while there was a climate crisis in Paldea, and I was having a teeny breakdown. She just, slowly came to me and gave me a vision? I guess? I saw myself caring for her, and thousands of other flowers, of other plant Pokemon. I realized I couldn't care for myself, but for them who could be hurt by more disasters in Paldea. I've been training her so she can both protect and help my anxiety, and I'm so glad she's in my life :)

overall I’m just vibin I guess. yea. I’ll probably share some Grass Pokémon facts I researched or discover while studying the infamous Spirgatita or some cool psychedelics I find cus there's nothing ELSE to do here in Johto! Until then, blaze it >:3

[maschinen-mensch]

@jothwitch tagged me, thank you so much! it has been a while since I did one of these and this one has great questions so here we go:

what book are you currently reading? I’m soon finished with Bono memoirs “Surrender” and I’m in the middle of the The Expanse books, currently in “Nemesis Games”.

what’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year? I’m answering for 2022 and the answer is obviously Top Gun: Maverick 😘

what do you usually wear? black/white converse, black pants, some dark top /band t-shirts/geek t-shirts/turtlenecks

how tall are you? 159cm which is *googles*… 5′2.6″

what’s your Star Sign? do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event? I’m a typical Cancer and I’m checking now and I see that Liv Tyler, Princess Diana, Léa Seydoux share my birthday 💅 

do you go by your name or nickname? just my mum and one friend call me Nuri, which is just a shorter version of my name

did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? oh no. when I was really young I wanted to become an animal breeder (?!), then zoologist and in my teens I went into the typical STEM direction. Then after one uni semester of Physics I completely changed direction to Cultural Anthropology and now I’m in the online marketing business.

are you in a relationship? if not who is your crush if you have one? nope. (for details about my situationships you can follow my private twitter account) I don’t have a crush irl, but my current celeb crushes are well documented on my Twitter and here on Tumblr.

what’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at? good: taking fandom things not too serious, being aware that it’s all just good fun, keeping my distance and being aware of the parasocial dynamics when it comes to my faves bad: taking things from my job too much to the heart and being always on edge about it

dogs or cats? definitely more of a cat person

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year? (again taking 2022 for this) the fancams I made for Volk and Kosinski 🥺 I’m super slow with making such edits but I’m really proud of them.

what’s something you would like to create content for? the content I really want to make I already do on my own channels for my own group of (online) friends. I guess I would like to do more and do it better.

what’s something you’re currently obsessed with? Kosinski, my boy :’) establishing himself as one of the big guys in the world of Hollywood movie directors while looking handsome as ever

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year? (2022) mhh Ghost in the Shell: SAC_2045, it already started 2020 but it finished in 2022. And it’s just… not good. :( I’m a huge fan of the classic GITS: SAC seasons so this one hurt.

what’s a hidden talent of yours? I don’t really know an answer for this.. maybe dancing without a care in the world when the right music is playing since most times only strangers (I often go to clubs alone) see me doing that?

are you religious? no but I love to use “jesus” “god damn it” as swear words all the time. and in English, not in my actual native tongue. because Swiss German cursing just doesn’t sound right.

whats something you wish to have at this moment? well. a date with someone pointy, lean and tall with the right kind of sharp cheekbones and nice hair would be cool. 👉👈 otherwise, idk, a Starbucks hot chocolate.

tagging: ok let’s see… @gwinny3k @semperrgumby @saikkunen @krennicss, @bluestockingbaby, @thisisnottheblogyourelookingfor @shipmastered @neonwizardheehee (oh neonwizardheehee I think I remember you have tagged me for something similar in the past but I didn’t do it then, I’m so sorry ;_;). Of course there’s no obligation, just wanted to show I’ve thought of you <3

[squishmallow36]

Keeper of the Lost Prepositions - Twenty-four

Word count: 2.4k (rounded up)

Tw: council is particularly horrible today

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @perhaps-it-was-never-before @kamikothe1and0lny @nyxpixels @snowflakewolves @poppinspop @crystallinewalker @uni-seahorse-572 @tiergan-andrin-alenefar @books-over-boys @florida-llama-46 @when-wax-wings-melt @cotyledon-tomentosa @bowlcut-boyfriends @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees

On Ao3 or below the cut!

    The next day, I get a hail from Sophie, asking if I’m free to meet up, and my answer is absolutely. I’ve had enough of these walls around me. I’m not typically an outdoorsy person, but a little fresh air and a change of scenery are sometimes necessary for a person. 

    When I leap over to Havenfield, Sophie and Biana are already under the Panakes tree, laying on their backs to study the blossoms. Biana seems to flinch when she hears me approach, which is probably just due to the fact that she is almost staring into the sun, so she didn’t see me leap here.

    I sit down in the grass next to them, but I can’t manage to lay on my back and not be blinded. 

    Wylie follows barely a minute after me, and Stina takes maybe another three. I’m really bad at estimating time recently for some reason but I have figured out how to count seconds pretty well. 

    Sophie and Biana sit up, and, after giving herself a few seconds to adjust to being upright, Sophie says, “The council gave me this for our next assignment a few days ago, but, as you may or may not know, our resident technopath sprained his ankle so I wanted to wait until he was back to normal. I did not look at our assignment, so I’m as much in the dark as the rest of you. And without further ado…” she unrolls the scroll. 

    Eyes skimming through the first few lines, she stammers, “I...I just realized I forgot something inside.”

    She leaves the scroll and starts running in a distinctly not-towards-the-house direction. 

    Instinctively, I get up and start to run after her. Thankfully, neither of my legs fell asleep while I was sitting down. 

    She sits down, overlooking cliffs at the edge of Havenfield. I stop a few paces behind and normalize my breathing before sitting next to her.

    “Hey, Sophie.”

    “I know you mean well, but can you go away before I figure out how to throw you off a cliff?”

    “I’d like to, but then I’d be a pretty crappy best friend.”

    We sat in silence for a few seconds. 

    Sophie buried her head in her hands, and mumbles, “It’s just...everything is like two steps forward two steps back. And it always has been since I got here. I’m supposed to be this all-powerful thing and yet I can’t do anything.” 

    “Sometimes I wish we could go back to how it was, working with the Black Swan through those notes. At least then they weren’t just another council.” 

    “The council was especially annoying back then, though. Ability restrictor?”

    I cringe. “Fair point.”

    “I just wonder what we could’ve changed if every single adult ever wasn’t fighting us on everything we’re trying to do…”

      “As much as I would love to live in that parallel universe, that isn’t ours, so I don’t think we should spend too much time trying to change what isn’t going to change, no matter how many speeches about letting us help you can make.”

    “Speaking of speeches, I’ve already got one in the works the next time I see the council.”

    “What did they do this time, specifically?”

    “You—you don’t know?”

    “No, I chased after you as you were running away so I haven’t quite had the time to be informed of what was happening. It was on the scroll, wasn’t it? They didn’t even bother with telling you IRL or hailing you, didn’t they?”

    The only response I get is Sophie leaning her head on my shoulder. 

    “They’ve literally suspended me from being a regent until I learn how to quote unquote, ‘Make rational decisions.’”

    “You make very rational decisions in the moment. I wouldn’t’ve thought of burning their warehouse, but you’ve finally gotten us an upper hand in this war. And, for the record, you did not start this Neverseen war. It’s been as good as active since we were kidnapped. But that’s why you’re the Moonlark. Or the Dire Wolf. Or whatever animal you want to be. You get the point. Think about it this way: this isn’t the worst we’ve been through, right? I mean, who cares if you know classified stuff? It’s been in your head as long as you can remember, thanks to Forkle.”

    “You’re literally the only person that knows about the warehouse and supports that I burned it down. No matter, to make sure I don’t help you guys, they’ve threatened to reassign Sandor if I don’t cooperate.”

    “Is that even legal? I thought Queen Hylda controlled the Elvin Regiments.”

    “I don’t doubt that they have some strings they could pull to make it happen.”

    “Which is code for Alina going and beguiling her,” I suggest.

    “That could be it. You should get going back to the rest of the team. At least you can be productive.”

    “You’re sure you’ll be fine?”

    “No, but I haven’t been fine for a while. I know the council will need me for something eventually and they aren’t going to get rid of me that easily.”

    She lifts her head off my shoulder, and even though I don’t want to leave, I know loitering longer than I should will just make things weird, and I’d rather not do that. 

    I start to walk away, but say, “Hail me or message me if you need me. I don’t even care if you show up at my house in the middle of the night. I’ll probably still be awake, or it’s going to be like trying to raise the dead to wake me up.”

    She smiles, before turning back to watch the waves crash against the shore. 

    I slowly make my way back over to the rest of Team Valiant, if you can call us that without our Lady Fos-boss. 

    “I’m guessing you read the thing,” gesturing to the scroll half-unfurled on the ground, and I sit down. 

     “Yeah, but I’ve no clue why,” comes the only response, from Stina. 

     “It’s probably because she burned down a Neverseen wearhouse, so they’ve been reminded that she is a force of nature,” Wylie replies. 

    “She did what?” Stina asks, incredulously.

    “That happened a little more than a week ago. We really should make a group chat to keep everyone informed,” I answer. 

    “Speaking of being informed, I just want to let you know that you’ve been nominated as temporary Fos-boss. We talked about it and decided you would be the best vice president.” 

    “But...I know it’s the same argument as before but shouldn’t it be Wylie? He’s an actual adult.”

    “Spoiler alert: I have no idea how to adult,” he replies, “and I’m willing to bet that you have more experience than me the same way Sophie does.”

    “Is that just a euphemism for ‘I’ve almost died less times than you have’?” I ask, smirking. 

    “At least give him the credit for trying to not bring down the mood,” Stina argues. 

    “He did. But the mood is already the ground. Anyway, I’ve heard you’re really good under pressure, so…”

    Stina responds, “One. I haven’t actually almost died dealing with you people and, honestly, I don’t think it sounds very fun. I also don’t want to have to take responsibility over you.”

    I turn to Biana. “What about you? You’re one of the strongest people I know, I’m afraid of you, I still remember how you tackled Gisela on Everest, and that hasn’t even begun to consider your ability.”

    She flickers in and out of sight instinctively. “If you’re going to keep arguing, then do you want to know why we picked you? You’re so smart with that powerful techie brain of yours, I mean, you found Alvar and Ruy earlier this week. Yeah, you’re the cinnamon roll of the group and yet you’ve built a whole ton of weapons for us. So just shut up and be our VP. With that settled, let’s get down to business. What’re you thinking, Dex?”

    Fighting the Disney song that starts playing in my head, I reply, “I’m thinking I have no clue what our assignment is.”

    Wylie reports, “The council wants us to track Keefe down and bring him back. And if we need a telepath, we have permission to ask Fitz for help.”

    “Well, I’m reasonably confident that I can find him easily if I tried. The question is, should we try to find him? Wait—before we keep discussing this, if the Neverseen has bugged this place, they’ll know what we’re doing and then be able to find him first.”

    Biana asks, “Bugged?” 

    “Sorry. I constantly get techy like everyone knows too much about gadgets 

like I do. Do you remember when I took apart Keefe’s Imparter when he ran away last time? And I thought someone could be listening? Bugs are just what humans and most technopaths call them. And technically, I think miniature cameras can be called bugs too. Interestingly, when there’s a problem in code, it’s also called a bug. I don’t know if there’s any connection between the two.”

    Wylie is the first to ask, “Where could we have this conversation so that people aren’t potentially listening?l

    “Everywhere has some level of risk, but I’d probably say that if the bugs aren’t on our person, then it would be least likely for there to be any at Sterling Gables, considering, no offence, you’re not roped into Sophie’s craziness as often as the rest of us.”

    Stina takes a second to process before snorting, “No offence? Since when do you care about offending me? Anyway, do you really think I want to deal with all of this? I’m perfectly happy just to show up once in a while, deliver some baby Alicorns, and move on in life. But yeah, if you want to talk at my house, that’s cool with me.”

    After light leaping with Stina and settling under a similar, yet normal, tree, I mention, “Just so you guys know, they probably have a lot of cameras in the Forbidden cities. Gisela knew Sophie, Keefe, and Fitz were in London when they went.”

    “I’ve just experienced a thought. Keefe’s letter said she was going to hide like Sophie. But wasn’t part of her success in being hidden because they didn’t know what she looked like?” Biana notes.

    Wylie adds, “I’ve also gathered that it was a large part dumb luck. Alvar was just so incompetent that he couldn’t recognize she was an elf.”

    “So you’re saying Keefe’s stupid for running away,” Stina summarizes.

    “We already knew that, but I hadn’t realized that it was much flimsier of an argument to leave him alone, hiding,” I reply. 

     Biana wonders, “I don’t know much about tech, but is there an easy way to find him, preferably quickly?”

    After considering for a moment, I answer, “If I teach you how to work something, do you think you’ll be able to use your stalking skills to find him?”

    “That’s code for ‘well, yes, but actually I have a better way to do it’.” 

    “Yeah,” I agree, before turning to Stina and Wylie. “Do either of you have a path to the Forbidden Cities? Or a way to get one? I don’t think using Sophie’s teleporting would be a good idea right now.”

    Stina smirks. “I don’t know what her suspension’s supposed to mean, but I agree. I’ve got a spyball if that would help, but no blue leaping crystals.”

    “I don’t know a whole lot about human cities, but I’d like to see on the off chance Keefe is next to any notable landmarks.”

    Wylie says, “I can ask my Dads if they have any pathfinders. You never know what the Black Swan will just leave lying around. 

    As I’m standing up, I say, “I’m going to leap back home for a couple of computers so I’ll see you in like five minutes. There’s a lot of stairs.”

    “Wait, Deck, do you have Sterling Gables on your Leapmaster?”

    “I’ve never tried but I doubt it.”

    Stina gives me her home crystal, a hard edge in her eyes that scares me. I make a mental note not to lose it...which is underlined several times just in case.

    “Thanks,” I admit, leaping home, and start the long trek upstairs.

    I get there and halfway back down before having to stop, where I decide to grab the last of Fitz’s baked goods. 

    I leap back and make sure I give Stina her home crystal back before showing Biana how to use the internet on one of my computers, to see if Keefe has made any social media profiles, whether it be under a real or fake name.

    “Let me know if you have any questions.”

    “Is there a way to search by picture?”

    “That’s why I’m going to be hacking into Watchward Heath.”

    “Is that really necessary?” Stina asks.

    “Do I want to go talk to Forkle? Not really. Will he say no? More than likely. This might take longer, but I also know the chinks in the security’s armor, so it will take less time than last time.”

    Concerned, Biana questions, “There was a last time?”

    “Yeah. That’s how I found Alvar.”

    I check the spyball next, and, unsurprisingly, he’s nowhere recognizable, sitting in front of a blank wall, but he is wearing a Batman t-shirt, so at least he’s figured something out by himself. Even if it happens to be shoplifting. I’m not saying it isn’t possible he hasn’t made any friends, but I’m not going to deny that he’d totally steal a Batman shirt. 

    “Are you willing to keep watching in case he moves?” I ask Stina, not sure what else her official job could be right now. 

    She agrees, solely for the reason that she can avoid her chores if she is working on official regent business.

    I find a comfortable spot in the grass and take a deep breath before cracking my knuckles. Popping in an earbud to blast some music, I mutter, “This isn’t going to be fun,” and start peeling away the layers of defence on Watchward Heath for the second time this month. 

[radenshogun]

i hate ppl who are like "i hate small talk ask me abt whatever" bc small talk is something important for human interaction and ur not a deeper person or idk for not liking it but i just realized i. dont really like it lmao just online for example i met this girl saturday im pretty sure she was flirting with me but she was WASTED and she was actually there to meet my friend. so anyways she texted me at the party while wasted and sunday when i was home i replied just to see how she was bc she was fr super drunk and i wanted to be sure she was like. alive. and she answered but she fought with my friend at the party after i left and my friend was super upset and didnt know if she would talk to her ever again and so i didn't reply bc i mean the girl means nothing to me and also bc idk if she would try and flirt with me since in the party she was clearly interested in me? anyway my friend decided to forgive her and keep talking and now they're flirting a lot so (i HOPE) she wouldn't flirt with me but i could idk reply and become FRIENDS with her since she just moved here for uni and has not a lot of friends but i just??? hate talking to people idk through the internet? i cant do that the point of this long ass post is im super fine with small talk irl i like it i feel like i can get to know someone through it but online its just super weird idk what u like why would i be asking u anything irl it's because we're in the same place and i like talking online i can talk to people i already know idk if im making sense 😭 anyways heres to hoping my friend will go out w her and invite me so we can become friends irl and then i can talk to her online too

[poutyniall]

Firstly i m sorry,to text u knowing u are already going through soo much

Hope u get recover soon

I just want to tell u about how alone i m in my irl ,like seriously,i m in my final year now

Being the children of strict parents who never allowed me to hang up with my friends or never permitted to go alone anywhere

For that reason i don't have any friends from my schools and now i m in whole girls university starting 2 yr corona ate it and last yr everyone, including me is focusing on final yr studies

Now i know i m gonna stay alone in my life without having experience of good friends. and yess i don't have even boyfriend nor I have any boy contact no. nor anyboy knows about my existence

And it's make me sad cuz Ppl says having some groups of (boy) friend is good because they won't judge u and are good listener

I concluded that i m never gonna be get a friend nor girl nor boy

My life is boring as hell, fvkn hell

I m too introvert too, and when I goes through depression and stress i sometimes yell at my brother or mom,not dad because he is strict

And they think i m misbehaving,yes i doo

But they never tried to know the reason behind my irritating behaviour

I know they provide me every comfort but what about my mental health

And i too don't like myself,cuz i hate my personality, my height is not that good just 5'2 or something whatever just leave this

I just feel like i should go and dive in an empty well that's all

I hate myself,i hate my life i hate everything

I even deleted every social media, except Tumblr, because i forgot the password of it lol

Sorry for ranting soo much

Alright, let's break it down point by point.

Uni: if I got it right, it's your last year, right? First, well done and keep going, you're almost at the finish! Just because you hadn't make friends til now it doesn't mean you can't still do it. If you want, alongside with studying for your finals, you could try to chat a bit with someone in the study room or in the library. Don't approach them already fantasizing about being best friend, that kind of bond takes years of mutual commitment to develop. Take tiny steps, slow and steady.

Guys: well, I always had more boy friends than girl friends and that's not true, it always depends on the person in front of you.

Relationships/experiences: I think we feel pressured 'cause we've always been told the teenage/twenty years are the best and we should fully live them. And I've struggled too with this a lot 'cause my life's also boring and haven't had the experiences society tells me I should already have had (first kiss, a romantic relationship, sex, dates, get drunk, go clubbing etc) but I have come to the conclusion that we decide which ones will be the best years of our life are, it could be our thirty or fifty or seventy, who knows? One thing's sure, these kind of experiences don't come with an expiration date, there's no time limit. You will find someone who will know you, your partner in crime.

Family: one thing all these years of therapy taught me is that you can't change others but you can work on changing the way you react to them. I don't know what type of relationship you have with your parents and your brother and I don't know if you already did it but you could try to talk to them, help them understand what you feel and how you feel it. Depression, anxiety, every mental disorder actually, is hard for both the one living it and the ones around them.

And we all have things we don't like about ourselves that we can't change (you can't change your height) so don't feel alone in this. I know how you feel but remember that you're not alone feeling like this, there's a lot of us. And don't apologize for ranting, if letting it out lighten a bit the weight you feel then it was a pleasure for me listening to your ranting.

[little-forget-me-not]

Summary 2023

This used to be a tradition but it definitely slid off after I stopped writing much in general (especially with uni and all the damned essays) but Reba asked if I was gonna do one, so I feel compelled to try again. I kinda did one for last year too, except I logged it down by the month on my Insta journal. Extremely satisfying to read but a pain to do. Anyway, I’m already getting sidetracked lol. Unlike previous years, I don’t really have categories for these so I’ll probably just note the highlights (I’ll still try to categorise some of them):

University:

Looking back at my entries this year I can see how I was constantly close to burn out and worn thin by stress, and yet I pulled through it. I was genuinely considering dropping out again due to the immense stress…(again)

Yet despite everything, and this is the fact I keep trying to brush away, but I did well. I did really well. I’ve been scoring basically almost consistent As across the board, for every agonising essay, project and exam I had to take on, I did them well. In fact, I was able to balance over 7 different essays that included separate roleplay demonstrations/tests and NOT freak out while still having time to have fun and socialise with my friends both online and irl (mostly Vot). AND also doing over 50 commissions AND finding a part-time job and going there physically to work. Younger me would have died under all that pressure, but I managed it all pretty well. I know I’m hard on myself, so even if I did well it doesn’t always feel that way, but I really did quite alright.

I remember setting a goal this year, which was to push myself out of my comfort zone and to dive headfirst into challenges, such as interacting with people and doing things that I’m afraid of. And I did do it. I was terrified of my lab sessions where we had to roleplay in front of the class, but every time I was the first to volunteer to demonstrate roleplaying in front of the class, and I actively reached out for advice and help. I even organised several practice meet-ups with a classmate who’s now a friend, Kala! I did gain some confidence in my ability. Cyndi tells me to believe in myself, being easier on myself, not to strive so hard for perfection and be more confident as I’ve proved my abilities in both the material and practice. …yet it’s so hard to believe it, still. But I’m not backing down…even if it terrifies me.

Also the graduations I’ve been to has made me realised that I very much would love to have my own graduation too, surrounded by people who love and support me. Mama and Dawn are going to fly over for it ;m; Bea's coming too! I hope to achieve so next year.

Roleplays/Stories:

Really got into roleplays this year, both for school and for leisure. I especially finally got into fantasy thanks to LOTR. Which we watched in cinemas as they were putting out the trilogies with each new week :D Played BALDUR’S GATE 3!!!!!! With Mero! And Vivi! I love rping with Mero with our dumbass jocks.

One of my dreams came true, made so by Aura who started hosting a Pathfinder campaign called Dusk Over Dreamnest. Because of which I’ve managed to write again…for FUN! I’ve been chronicling our sessions AND writing a separate prose piece based on Bull’s POV experiences. Love that creativity.

Also joined a digimon roleplay thanks to Ryou. Honestly came up with great banger designs tis year that I’m really proud of.

Relationships:

I think my heart grew a little this year to make space for more people in it… When I travel to Finland, I realise I miss Vot or my sis, or my private spaces where I can hang out with Mero. I never really used to miss people apart from Dawn that much, so it’s nice to know it. I also miss Luca and mom when I’m back in SG. Especially hanging out with Luca. He’s such great fun. Hung out with him quite a lot this year! Went to bars for the first time, got drunk, discovered I really like non-fizzy cocktails (had the most delicious, creamy and smooth cocktail made with milk, cream and half shots of de kuper butterscotch and raspberry (each)...on and also White Russians, oh and he and Henry got me Bailey’s for Xmas :D), had lots of late night heart-to-hearts, worked out, he taught me how to do proper punches, I built IKEA furniture with him etc. Really enjoy going on holidays with him especially when the social saturation renders Dawn drained and tired. He made me realise I really valued spontaneity, enthusiasm, openness and energy in relationships. I also appreciate and value his brand of masculinity more now, instead of completely dismissing it in others. He’s really coming into his own, and I appreciate our friendship and his trust in me (like omg when he asked out the giftstore employee and immediately called me after it to tell me, I was so proud but also happy he wanted to include me in his exhilaration and triumphs). Anyway I love him too, and he’s like the brother I never had.

I got closer to Vot too! I enjoyed my very first omakase with him as a birthday meal and there’s no one else I’d rather enjoy food with. Oh, also Jason got me a birthday meal of chilli crab (2 of them AAAAAAAAAAAA) and mantou!!!!! Really made up for the tragic birthday I had last year (which was I spent my birthday with Vot this year instead). Oh and he gave me a laser-printed wooden keychain of Nuki that he drew, with forget-me-nots engraved at the back ;m; Had many great hangouts with Vot, really. He’s a very, very dear person to me. He was one of the few people I can reach out to and able to be vulnerable with. I rarely call anyone when I experience distress (except for Dawn and on occasion Mero) but it’s so nice to know I can rely on more people now. Oh, I also developed a love for board games thanks to Vot. I used to hate them but I genuinely enjoy them now (and am sad when people don’t join me)

Played Persona 5 Royal with my sis! I can’t  believe we first played it in 2017?! It’s been with us for 6 years and replaying the remastered version with her has been such a fun part of the year. It reminds me of all the fun times we used to have with each other, and she’s let me know of how important and valued those times have been for her. Persona 5 is like a CORE memory/connection for us. My sis loves me. Through her graduation and her new air stewardess job, she’s kept me in mind. Apparently she saw a co-worker with a nice pixie-cut and asked them for their hairdresser’s number so she could pass it to me (before reconsidering it because she thought I probably wouldn’t like the back cut). And she tells everyone about me?? She speaks highly of me. She was saying, “You like me? That’s because of my sis” xD Even someone she only knew for 11 days knows of me. It’s incredibly heartening… She also genuinely wants to make our Persona 5 Strikers Japan trip a reality and knowing that makes me want to make it so too. She also thought of me when she saw that there was a Joe Hisaishi concert and bought us tickets (I gotta pay her back, but she covered fees for me ;m;). Through her, I recognised the impact of my chronic depression… I noticed she’d say stuff like “You’d better not die before …” or “You cannot die…” etc whenever she feels truly fond/affectionate/appreciative of me. It made me a little sad but grateful for the sobering realisation of my impact. I spent so long suffering and struggling to stay alive that it made many of the people who did care about me genuinely afraid for my expiration. I definitely say that a lot less now…about wanting to die when depression gets too overwhelming. Or at least I only share it with a very select few when it gets too bad. 

Dawn has been a huge part of my life this year, every year, forever, hopefully. My love for her grows every year and it’s a mutual thing, and I appreciate the freedom and honesty we share about how we feel about each other, and the sad reality that we are incompatible as married companions. She once told me that she wish she was a different person so she could marry me without a thought. Which was honestly really sweet, but I’m also glad she has become someone who honours her own desires and self, and that she thanks me for it. I feel safe in the knowledge and expression of her love. It’s really nice to know that I am loved and to have it be such…a given now. I think she’s spoiled me though. I realised I’m pretty lazy and indulgent and can be very much a “princess” when given the space to be so x’D Oops. I still learn about myself when I’m with her. Also she’s really impressed me this year with her own growth and self-imposed challenges that help her develop traits she’s struggled with (like she reads so many books now..all with complicated text). I never would have pegged her to be such an erudite but then again, it doesn’t completely surprise me, but the resolve and drive she’s shown for it is incredible and inspiring. 

Hung out with more classmates this year…like Allan and Kala and I’ve made an effort to learn and remember more about people. I’m genuinely fond of Allan now and I do miss him when I’m in Singapore. I went to his graduation! He was the valedictorian! I met his husband!

I’m getting tired so I’mm rapid-fire these: Relationship with dad increased. He actually came up to me out of nowhere and passed me $200 as encouragement and to congratulate me of doing a good job with my studies. …I’m…it meant a lot and I was pleasantly shocked. His relationship with Jen has really improved relations in general. I’ve thought of him more because of such. He’s also helped me a lot with my medical bills ;m; Also mom, I’m more…interested in being a part of my family’s life..

Reconnected and met up with Ryoukishi. They were really nice and treated me to korean bbq and hotpots ;; And they shared their love of Digimon with me, and I got into it!

Mental Health:

Doubled my meds. I think it’s making a difference? I don’t really know, but from medical reports, it sounds like it is making a difference. I still feel the weight of depression and oftentimes this year I felt like I was regressing instead of progressing. But Bea said that when one is in a really dark and long tunnel, you are still moving even though it doesn’t always feel like it. Still heading towards the light, and she sees it. And that’s heartening.

Realised that I’m literally almost always overstimulated in SG which is probably why I’m in an almost perpetual state of discomfort x’D Apart from being lonely, which only heightens the discomfort. Somehow it helps to know that. Also when I got incredibly stressed I legit thought I was showing signs of psychosis.

Allan said something about not needing to suffer to succeed and I’m trying to keep that in mind.

Slightly more attempts at acknowledging my strengths instead of dismissing them…not much but some. I wrote some here. Inspired by Reba:

“You’re quick to take responsibility for mistakes, but you have the opposite for positive things. You don’t own the good things and attribute them to luck or chance, as if they have nothing to do with you. You should take responsibility for the good things too.”

For instance, W invited me to take the EFIT course despite it only being largely available to people who signed up for a separate course because it required an in-depth understanding of attachment theory. But W shared that she was so impressed with how well-written my essay was that she noted me as, “this one can”, and then encouraged me to take the course while subsidising the fees. I do write good essays. And I can leave favourable impressions. She even invited me to work part-time for her, to help out with her invoicing and administrative stuff and in compensation, not only do I get paid $15/h, I’m also getting sponsored EFT training, which is a modality I am interested in. I also facilitated a successful couple’s counselling session which was crazy. 

Other stuff:

Discovered and went to EFT (I learnt that this is a modality I'm geuninely interested in. Honestly kinda thinking of going to pursue a masters lmao but idk)

Made lu rou fan for the first time

Got a new guitar and tried learning music!

Began some brainspotting

Got mortar and pestle

Played many cool games. Like Disco Elysium (more roleplay!!!!)

Created my future vision board.

Entered an Armello competition. Won the first round with Ghor!

Sis graduated. Made me realised I would really like to have my own graduation.

Reba got me really a really cute handcrafted sushi keycap ;m;

Made new OCs like Breakfast, Kappa, Beanie (redesigned), Bullorgruokh, Ten, Martivihlar, Rae’zel and Kachimon! It’s been great to feel connected and invested in characters again.

Doubled up on my bed haha!

Tried mämmi, köyhät ritarit, for the first time and I love them! Ate reindeer steak. So GOOD.

Went to Desucon in Lahti!

Had an amazing summer! I made a video for the first time in forever chronicling our time together in Lapland.

Watched a ton of anime and shows with Aura and Luca. PMMM, Bubble, Mob Psycho 3, LOTR, Doctor Stone, Psycho Pass, Kimi ni Todoke (season 1+2), Physical 100, Bluey (fucking love Bluey), Death Note, Vinland Saga, ……just a ton that I don’t even remember now.

Learnt more about myself…maybe became more accepting about physical desires/needs (like intimacy, more casual than spiritual)

Also I learnt that I'm really impatient and restless sometimes so bye this year was pretty dope despite me being so stressed for more than half of it but I'm feeling good rn so I wanna end it on a good note!

[gooseymacleans]

Heyy dw anon here. hope you’re doing good! Bit late on this review as my uni started up again and I am swamped already. but anyway. Episode 5. Want to preface this by saying I did really enjoy the episode. I am just a bit irritated with our girl Bernadette.

That being said loved the Chee and Bern moments. The whole she dated Elvis reveal had me gaping at my TV like??Damn Girl ok?? Thanks for sharing or good for you or? The writers are really trying to embrace the time period in the funkiest way possible!

Blond man is still being awful, Joe should have scalped him and called it a day but nooo some dumbass had to let Gordo drive the dude ALONE at NIGHT like ofc he escaped, who is surprised raise your hand! Need him executed asap.

then the whole thing with Dean was soso sad but so well done. His words to Bern about them not even being recognized as Americans obviously shook her entire worldview a bit.. and her giving him the necklace and a hug was soooo :((( her internal turmoil over Dean and the draft is so much worse in context with her border patrol job too like Bern I know you want to move up the ladder or whatever the fuck but jfccc get a gripppp. Atp I am genuinely concerned she’s going to leave like don’t you fucking dare!!

Like I get it. I do. Glass ceiling on the rez and all that. maybe she feels trapped (tho if that’s actually the case I would have liked the show to make that more obvious beyond her just saying “I want to find my own way”) And having modern day context for how shit the US border patrol is and how badly women and especially woc are treated in white-male dominated professions (and this is happening in 1971 to boot) helps to make it seem like she’s making an even worse decision if she goes. to me it’s a no brainer, I’m staying. But I really just think Bern doesn’t know any of that, or at least choses not to acknowledge it. Like she saw what happened to Jim in the FBI, come on now. and he warns her too this episode, “-I can come back” “Can you?” *silence*. He almost didn’t get to come back! Bern fr needs to make a weighted decision matrix and figure out her decision that way bc I think the lack of sleep is starting to affect her cognitive activity.

Anyway. Sorry for being a downer this week irl shit combined with the fact that the finale of s1 wasn’t exactly happy is giving me a creeping feeling that ep6 will be a rough one. Hopefully I’ll be wrong and we’ll actually get to see everyone experiencing happiness on our screens, but we’ll see!

everyone dont moveeeee, dark winds anon is back.

OKAYYY so we were a litttleeee off in our predictions HOWEVER I will say, in my heart I know what is chrew. that small scene of them sitting on the floor of her living room…….I currently live there in that moment nobody break the immersion for me. yeah, it was kinda weird for them to say that like at first I thought she was joking but no mames, she was actually being serious 😭

literallyyyyy not a bootlicker or whatever but iirc, cops follow a two buddy rule system so like, the fact that gordo probably gave himself the task of driving this sick son of a bitch on his own by himself bc #ego like omfg shut UP take someone with you, idiot 🙄 it’s like every time they try to shoot at the suspect and never shoot at the tires…these people are making the WORST decisions like if I were in that university, that blond man would nottt have escaped. we’d do a better job than the police -_-

omfgggg that part with dean and bern now THAT….moment of silence bc I almost cried LOL sorryyyy the emotions got to me again. if this was meant to push her into the border patrol route, oh, I’m shaking my fist because what is this show without miss. bernadette manuelito?? like, I’m really scratching my head at some of the decisions that are being made in this season. a part of me respects the route they’re taking, there are parts that I do love, and other parts where it makes me look around the room and wonder what everyone is thinking.

this show has always been bold in its message and like you said, I wish they had pressed more into those issues and leaned into the reasonings. I just don’t want bern to become some weird girlboss whedon strong girl because she’s always had that strength within her. it never had to do with the job, it’s about who she is as a person. exactlyyyy like why did she even apply in the first place when she saw the chokehold the government had on jim…….we need to go back to the drawing board…maybe a nap and a sandwich will do her some good 🙏🏽

don’t apologize for anything, babe!! we won’t always dig every single episode. it can be frustrating as well when it’s a show that you care about and they slip a bit and you’re like I know you’re better than this, girl 🤨 to me, I blacked out and only remember the jimbern moments bc the rest I was like, okay, we’re setting things up but I’m yawning a bit. finale day, everyone. and to those who already saw it on amc+, should I prepare for trench warfare or,,..