#and making meaningful friendship is just a lot harder now too

[bairdthereader]

Intentional Touch, Respectful Space: A By-Episode Study, Part 1

From the moment Nick and Charlie meet in the first episode, they're sat within a foot of each other and framed next to each other, but a little space remains there between them. This is the space where their mutual respect and care will live. It’s a space they nurture and protect, a space in which they navigate their feelings for each other and protect each other. This is the space where their love grows in safety.

S1E1: Meet

This is not a "who fell first" post, but I do think we can safely say that Charlie is the first to understand the full ramifications of touch in a relationship that, from Charlie’s perspective at this stage, is just friendship for Nick but friendship with a side of intense crush for Charlie. He knows that almost any touch on his part will have at least some element of attraction in it; he knows that it is unfair to touch Nick in any meaningful way while Nick is unaware of Charlie’s feelings; he knows that, because he is out, all of his own physical interactions with other boys are going to be judged by outsiders and automatically cast in a flirtatious or romantic light; he knows he has to be careful with Nick and protect him from that judgment, however unjustified it might be. He also knows he has to protect himself, as much as he’s able, from falling for a straight boy; keeping touch minimal and very intentional is one way to try to do that.

Nick is, at this point in the story and from what we can see on screen, not hugely physical in his personal interactions outside of rugby where touch is unavoidable. This is in contrast to, say, Harry, who can’t see a person without slinging an arm around their neck, or a lot of the other rugby lads who are always bumping shoulders or fists or jokingly pushing each other around, even off the pitch. Of course we learn in later episodes that Nick is a gold-standard hugger when he’s with good friends or his mom, but for now we know he generally keeps his hands to himself.

This makes the smiley face interaction a point of interest. This is the first time we see Nick touch Charlie in a moment when that touch was unnecessary. He decided to take Charlie's hand and draw on it, something that could just as easily be construed as flirting as it could just a joke. The opportunity to have fun with Charlie was too good to pass up for Nick, no matter which way Charlie could have taken it.

Nick's grip on Charlie's hand lasts a beat or two longer than either of them expects; Charlie is flustered and happy, while Nick, after checking Charlie's face for his response, looks down and realizes maybe it's time to let go. The original intention might not be quite as clear to Nick as it was a few seconds ago.

Rugby is an intensely challenging space for Charlie to navigate, since it’s a very physical sport and he has to work harder to mask his feelings when touching Nick is unavoidable. When they practice tackling, Charlie is clearly reluctant because—well, tackling is hard and might hurt—but also because, from his point of view, this is a pretty big and intimate touch. Charlie has to work through a lot here. His elbow is mostly raised as soon as the tackle is complete, leaving a bit of, again, respectful space, but he doesn’t pull his arm back from around Nick instantly. This is partly because this kind of touch is in some respect what Charlie wants, but also, confusingly and challengingly, if Charlie were to pull back like he’d been burned it could be perceived by Nick as a sign of (unlikely, but possible) disgust or (more likely) as proof that Charlie does feel attracted to him and is actively trying to hide it. Not to mention the public setting, which Charlie is always aware of on some level. Charlie is thinking through all of these things in the couple of seconds between tackling Nick and letting him go. Then we have Charlie's nervous and delighted second of rubbing his hands together, like he can't believe that moment of connection actually happened and he needs physical proof. It’s worth mentioning Nick’s reaction here too—there’s no immediate jump to pull away, but there is a nervous hair sweep, and he moves to get up fairly quickly.

When Nick suggests that Charlie try to tackle him again, while he’s actually moving, Charlie responds with “I’m going to die.” It’s funny and gets a laugh, and it likely is mostly Charlie fearing the potential literal pain of playing rugby. But also, maybe he’s thinking it’s going to be hard to survive being this close to Nick, in an arena where physicality is constant, day after day after day. Maybe he’s in over his head, just a bit.

By the time Charlie reaches the end of his one-on-one training with Nick, the tables start to turn just a little bit. They've spent a great deal of time together and grown ever more comfortable together. Charlie has become competent at rugby, so Nick's focus on his training role is less complete than it was at the beginning. In the last tackle of their last practice, the camera zooms out and high, giving us a view of the lovely leaves indicating that something sweet is happening, but also of the end of the tackle. Charlie is the one who starts to pull away first, the one who gets to his feet first, Nick slower to do both of those things as some part of him realizes that maybe he doesn't want to pull away as much as he should. This might not be able to be classed as intentional touch, but at least, perhaps, intentional lingering.

And here’s where Nick’s awareness of Charlie in relation to touch specifically really gets kicked into high gear. After witnessing, interrupting, and ending Ben’s physical attack on Charlie, Nick is very careful to keep space between himself and Charlie. Charlie isn't even in the frame when Nick asks him if he is okay. Nick admits to hearing most of the conversation between Ben and Charlie, so he knows that Charlie’s experience of either reluctantly accepted or flat-out objected physical attention from Ben has been going on for a while. Nick heard Charlie try to fight back, saw Charlie’s distress and tears, and he’s processing his own outrage, fear, and discomfort at seeing something like this happen at all, much less to a good friend. His instinct here is to offer some kind of comfort, but he senses that touch is not the right way to do that in this moment with Charlie; so he stays close, but not too close, respecting that bit of space between them.

From Nick's perspective, Charlie is still reeling from the effects of Ben’s actions; from Charlie’s perspective, any unusually affectionate attention from Nick would likely be interpreted as pity, which Charlie never wants. So, Nick and Charlie work toward some kind of equilibrium, some kind of return to normalcy, even though there is no "normal" after an experience like this one. They use humor to move forward, and then, once they are both a little more settled and Nick feels Charlie might be ready, Nick reaches out with a very considered action and briefly grips Charlie’s upper arm. It's a careful, intentional choice of touch, one that conveys support, solidarity, sympathy, encouragement, and kindness, but no pressure and no expectation of reciprocity. This is Nick giving something to Charlie--a powerful blend of care and respect, two things Charlie needs and craves in general, but especially in this exact moment.

Nick's hand is in focus here because this touch is important, but I think we have to look at the boys' faces too. Nick is out of focus, but there are at least two very telling things happening as he does this: first, he has the characteristic Nick-Nelson-is-holding-something-back face, lips pressed tightly together and curled slightly inward as he tries hard, here, to contain his emotion and possibly his desire to comfort Charlie in an even more meaningful way than he feels he can and still respect what just happened to Charlie; and second, quite a huge gulp, combined with Nick's trademark concerned eyebrow lift. There is a tremendous amount of suppressed feeling here, but Charlie can still see and recognize some of it. He knows what Nick is really trying to communicate with this gesture, and it marks a distinct shift in Nick and Charlie's friendship. They have now shared in something more deeply personal than they ever have before, tying those existing bonds even tighter. Nick is aware of Charlie's physical presence in a new way, knowing that he has experienced bodily trauma and now considering Charlie's needs around touch at least partially through that lens. And Charlie has, though unintentionally, found someone he can trust completely with one of his most difficult experiences. That it is Nick—who sees this dark part of Charlie's life and yet offers such staunch support without the strings of advice or judgment—cements and increases some of Charlie's already strong feelings for Nick, both as a romantic interest and as a friend.

It's a brave new world for these two.

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

I had this idea that when Lúthien is held captive in Nargothrond, she actually makes one friend during her captivity: Celebrimbor himself.

Celebrimbor is disgusted with his uncle and father for thinking that they could force Lúthien into marriage, so he basically appoints himself as her “bodyguard” to keep Celegorm away from her. And during those days, he and Lúthien become tentative friends— Lúthien appreciates Celebrimbor’s protection, and Celebrimbor genuinely admires Lúthien’s bravery in her quest.

The turning point for his loyalty is when Celebrimbor is kept away from Lúthien by his own father so Celegorm can try to (unsuccessfully) seduce her. Needless to say, Celebrimbor gets pissed, and he actually sends Huan to Lúthien to free her, then keeps C&C busy so they don’t notice Lúthien’s escape.

Sorry if this is too long! I hope it’s alright to share this headcanon with you!

no i absolutely love this! i for one find celebrimbor's stark departure from the rest of his house very appealing -- as i've said before, he is the precise inverse of his grandfather and uncles' behavior in many ways -- and i think this headcanon just hammers that in harder. it's another headcanon i've seen, and one i do adopt, that out of all his uncles, celegorm was the closest to celebrimbor since it's very plausible that they spent lots of time together in himlad (though it's not 100% certain if celebrimbor was with c&c there, i find it likely) and later in nargothrond (which we do know he dwelt for certain). and given that headcanon, i can imagine how seeing a person who was so close with and kind to him doing such vile things must have distressed and angered celebrimbor. possibly he felt even angrier because this is his favorite uncle whom he once loved so much. and i especially dig the thought that he was the one who sent huan to luthien, and perhaps that luthien realized it was him and was touched at the knowledge of how much he was looking out for her. and now i'm also thinking of the sad possibilities of how celebrimbor might cherish their brief but meaningful friendship, since he can never see luthien again after she goes beyond arda.

oh oh oh and remember we discussed the concept of thingol and celebrimbor becoming close in valinor???? imagine -- during her stay in nargothrond, luthien could have told celebrimbor about her father, and later celebrimbor tells thingol about the time he spent with luthien. plus thingol also telling celebrimbor stories about his daughter during her childhood and younger years and celebrimbor being delighted to listen to them! this is such a sweet and wholesome idea in so many ways, thank you for sharing it <3

[pixies-and-poets]

It was a good attempt

Hey friends. I've had something eating away at me for a while now; I was going to give it a bit more time, but the anxiety around not talking about this is getting to me, so I'll just be direct.

I'm leaving tumblr (sort of).

Without being too melodramatic about this: I've had a lot of complicated thoughts about social media, fandom, the internet in general, being an artist/streamer online, and a bunch of related stuff over the past few years. It's always hard to sort out these thoughts properly, and even harder to talk about them, because I don't want anyone to attack me or assume I'm treating my personal experiences as universal, or belittling something that's important and meaningful to them. I will say I firmly believe that for many people, the modern internet is more harmful to mental health than we're all willing to admit. But I also know it's a great source of connection and friendship where I've met some of the people I love most. If I had a more solid black-and-white conviction or thesis about these complexities, I wouldn't be struggling so constantly to make sense of it all, and the internet's place in my life.

That said, the evidence of my own life points to the fact that the less "online" I am (at this point in my existence), the happier I am. That the remaining sources of self-loathing depression in my life are almost entirely triggered by the internet. That social media is a disaster for my OCD. For many months, I was hoping tumblr would be different. It's not. Realizing that the same old problems I have were just going to resurface here again was a painful process, one I kept denying.

I thought I'd be fine if I only checked in once or twice a day, but the more I do that, the more I find it hard to get myself to check in at all. Because when I do, I feel like I just can't keep up with everything anymore. I don't feel like a part of anything, I don't feel wanted or needed, and it just exacerbates my problems.

But I'm not going to disappear completely. I'll still pop in from time to time and answer any asks, and maybe post doodles. My art account @altermentality will still be active, when I have something worth posting.

You can still find me on twitter for now, and bluesky, but my presence of being truly "active" socially online will be limited to:

Discord- because I enjoy the few smaller, private-ish servers I'm in, and it's my hub for keeping in touch with people one-on-one.

Twitch - At this point in my life, I still greatly enjoy streaming, although my capacity to do it reliably varies. I also love the communities I'm in that I've developed with other streamers.

I'm altermentality on all the places mentioned above. If you'd like to keep in touch, please reach out.

My queue will run until it runs out.

It's been fun and I wish you all the best. Be well.

[mysteriousboo]

Why I prefer cdramas over kdramas(as an international fan)

kdramas ive watched - business proposal, sweet home, rookie historian goo hae-ryung, mr queen, link: eat, love, kill , the glory , crash landing on you, what's wrong with secretary kim, true beauty, romance is a bonus book, goblin, meow-the secret boy, hometown cha cha cha, see you in my 19th life

cdramas ive watched - the untamed, word of honor, blood of youth, ten miles of peach blossom(i regret watching this one), love between fairy and devil, the starry love, till the end of the moon, put your head on my shoulder, mr honesty, the romance of tiger and rose, love o2o, go go squid!, love and destiny, currently watching back from the brink

1) Cdramas tend to have more developed side characters

ive seen a good variety of kdramas, and i always find the side characters to be lacking! they are often treated as props or only used for comical purposes. meanwhile, in cdramas, they tend to have more personality and are important to the plot as well rather than just being a plot device! (i agree that not all cdramas do it well, but the ones that do leave behind a good impression)

2) Cdramas make the characters interact well

one thing that i have noticed in cdramas is that they make character interactions to be deep and meaningful! personally, i prefer consuming media where both the main characters and side characters stand out, and while it's hard to create something like that, cdramas do it better than kdramas! side characters often don't get enough screen time or are too one-dimensional to make an impact on the viewers! im not saying that kdramas don't do it at all, im saying that a lot of times, it just doesn't hit as hard as in cdramas.

3)The angst hits harder in cdramas!!

now, don't get me wrong, im not saying that kdramas can't be angsty! it's just that a lot of angst in kdramas tends to be more romance related, and as an aroace person, i don't care much for romance and that's why the angst in cdramas(not just romance related) feels and hits way harder! yes, i absolutely adored the angst in the glory freaking loved it! i live for it, but angst in cdramas tends to focus a lot more on familial and platonic relationships, and my lil heart just loves it too much!!

4) kdramas have a lot more filler than cdramas

yes, ik that cdramas are longer, but just hear me out! i have noticed that a lot of times, if you remove a couple of episodes from a kdrama, it makes no impact on the plot whatsoever! or a lot of arcs just feel like they don't deserve as much screen time, and some arcs don't make much sense either after being dragged on for so long!! meanwhile, cdramas are definitely longer, but most of them, if not all of them, are adapted from a webnovel, and that, in general, leads to them being super long! yes, it feels like they are dragging some parts out, but it all seems significant to the plot and is not just filler!

5) relationships between females are better portrayed in cdramas!!

i absolutely adore female friendships or just respectful relationships between females. and cdramas definitely do it better than kdramas! look at li susu and pian ran from TTEOTM or jiele and xiao lan hua from LBFAD or WOH or back from the brink! female connections are better portrayed in cdramas!

6) cdramas tend to be more fantasy focused than kdramas

i enjoy fantasy as a genre a lot, and cdramas tend to be more fantasy based! chinese fantasy is so interesting, and i absolutely adore wuxia/xianxia as a genre! kdramas don't have something similar, and while i adore a lot of historical kdramas, fantasy just hits differently! especially cause there is just so much to explore in chinese fantasy! look at the blood of youth, i had so much fun watching that show. and the fight scenes were so well done!

7) cdramas have beautiful platonic relationships, and i adore the found family arc a lot more in cdaramas

there is definitely a found family arc going on in most of the cdramas ive watched, and i live for it! a lot of time, the characters might not have as much screen time, but they all seem to have depth, and that makes the drama so much fun! yes, kdramas also have found family arcs, but a lot of times, the characters are purely used for comical purposes and have no back stories! they are mostly just used to fill screetime! whether it's the untamed or the starry love, the found family arc would make my heart go so soft cause all those characters have back stories and depth and i am so in love with all of them and even losing one of them can make me go feral and that's exactly why i adore cdramas!!!!!!

shortcomings of cdramas:-

a) the re-dubbing in cdarams- as you all know that China re-dubs their drama, and that can be annoying cause it's always the same va!!

b) the chinese censorship is so strict, and a lot of times, some scenes don't make it into the final cut which can be frustrating or a lot of time even getting past the censorship can be impossible!!

c) i feel that fans seem to be more critical towards cdramas! people behind the scenes put way too much effort so that we can watch their work, but how the drama changes after the censorship is not in their control! they try their best, and adapting novels is not easy!! yet the fans are less understanding towards them! i just wish the audience was a little more understanding!!

d) another problem that's persistent with most cdramas are the poorly translated subtitles! sometimes, the subtitles can be very unclear, or the translation is not accurate at and that can create a disconnect with the international fans in general!!

this is just my opinion! im not saying that cdramas are better than kdramas. i adore them both a lot! im just saying that i PREFER cdramas more! please be understanding and try to be polite when interacting with this post!! that being said, feel free to leave recommendations cause i WILL check em out ;))

[neerons]

Kind of curious about what you think of Yuzuru. In terms of him as a character, his storyline, and his friendship with Kaz and Kei.

Hi there!

[Warning: Mentions of a spoiler from Yuzuru's S3]

What do I think of Yuzuru's route and characterization?

I will be discussing this more in depth in my character analysis on Yuzuru, but I think Yuzuru has a lot to offer and is equally as interesting as the other LIs!!

Years ago when the title started releasing, Kazuomi had instantly caught my attention, followed by Kei and the Boss who was way too mysterious and handsome to be ignored.

When it comes to Yuzu, I didn't focus on him right away simply because I usually need more time to develop an interest for "cold" characters like him. But back then I didn't know I would become obsessed with this title, so I fell into the abyss and checked out Yuzu's story as well soon after Kazuomi and maybe even Kei, and he then became as interesting to me.

Out of the 3S's, he's the most difficult to approach in his MS and it's harder to really bond with him at first. He basically doesn't give you any space in his heart for you to occupy. He wouldn't give you the time of day if it weren't beneficial for him to have you.

This is why, in the universe of MK, he was probably the hardest target to ever approach for MC. She had to hope she'd be able to see him again to continue her mission, otherwise she'd have been in trouble.

Because compared to Kei and Kazuomi who themselves gave her a reason to meet again, she had to go find Yuzu herself with an excuse that could have failed.

Also, what I appreciate in a way is that he truly is a "cold" character when you first meet him. His words are cold and sharp. His attitude is also pretty shocking at first. And he's not just someone who acts cold for a specific reason.

Being almost robotic and set in his ways is just part of his persona. And he doesn't mean to be cold, he just is, because of his own overly logical mind.

It makes him practically inaccessible, which makes the challenge even more worth it at the end, when you finally find the way to his heart and get to see his human, emotional self.

He is also extremely well developed throughout his stories. I'm currently re reading every MS for the guys' character analyses, and although I didn't re read Yuzu's S3 yet, from what I remember, this is the season that had a lot of moments I loved in his development.

Especially the part about him choosing MC over Victoria... This is the kind of thing that can make me cry 🤣

One thing I also really like about Yuzu's personality is that he is very realistic. I wouldn't know how to explain it, but the way he forces himself to be constantly logical and rejects his emotions at first is something some of us might have experienced, when we try to take the "right" decisions.

Something extremely realistic too in my opinion is the fact that his actions speak louder than any words. Personally, I was raised by a father who is like that, so I really enjoy seeing how Yuzu's personality is depicted. And I appreciate that despite how bad he is at conversing, he'll try his best to communicate with the woman he loves and will work for the relationship just as much as her.

Speaking of MC, what I absolutely love is how Yuzu always respects her and learns to rely on her, even in other routes. (Although all the LIs respect her, it feels even more meaningful with Yuzu due to his personality and the way he used to treat women).

He redeemed himself pretty well after recognizing he didn't compromise enough in their relationship and said he'd respect her more. I absolutely love that side of him. The way he is able to see his own mistakes and then acts to fix his poor attitude shows how truly intelligent and mature he is.

His friendship with Kazuomi & Kei

Now, when it comes to his relationship with Kazu and Kei, I really REALLY love how they all came to meet and share a bond.

Because if we think about it more in depth, how the hell did these three manage to become friends when they're practically opposites!?

We have Kazuomi who is so free-spirited he does whatever he wants, is also hedonistic and can socialize very easily.

Then there's Kei, worshipped by many because of his nobility and charming, angelic looks. Also a social butterfly and can learn anything he wants about anyone.

And finally Yuzu, who focuses all his senses on his work, sucks at handling conversations and understanding others. Hates anyone nosy who might disturb his perfectly organized schedule and lifestyle.

Let's just say that for Yuzu, Kei and Kazuomi simply sound like his worst nightmare. However, they both become extremely important people in his life later on without him even realizing it, when they were simply supposed to share a transactional relationship.

What I personally really love that they all complete each other. While for Yuzu conversing is not really his forte, he has Kei and Kazuomi serving as examples and means to build his network.

As extremely observant people, his friends are also here to notice Yuzu's troubles and help him out even if he insists he doesn't need it. They often make him realize things he doesn't see himself when it comes to his own emotions.

The pattern I love the most in their friendship is whenever Kazu and Kei tease Yuzu 🥺❤ He's just so easy to annoy, I can see why they'd be tempted to do that, since they are both so easy-going and relaxed compared to him, who is always so uptight.

I love when they manage to make him frown just as much as them hahaha:

As I mentioned, I will be working on analysing it all better and more in depth in their character analyses, but I hope I satisfied your curiosity for now!

Thank you for the ask, and have an amazing day! ❤

[silvyslayer42]

Heyyy!! I read your saiki k headcanons, and I thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of them. I noticed you mentioned something about kusuo's lack of self-acceptance?? And how you think he's good angst material?? And honestly, I'm a sucker for protagonist angst so maybe could you drop some hcs about that? Or just expand on that idea?? Thanks xx

late answer because tumblr didn’t notify me about this ask 😭 love you btw anon, i would love to talk at as many people as possible about saiki angst despite not being very coherent right now and i will be doing it!!!!

ok so we see a lot in the series that saiki doesn’t believe anyone could really love him.

examples of this: saying that his love meter ability that has never not worked before must be “broken” when it shows that his parents also have that crazy high number for him (+ considering their love for him second place to their love for each other since he was BORN??), always denying the idea that he could have meaningful relationships (specifically friendships but literally any) on the basis that he is “too different” from other people despite having his reasoning proven wrong literally all of the time, insisting that teruhashi’s feelings for him don’t come from her actually liking him (along with yumehara and aiura’s but we don’t see it as much), not believing that kuusuke didn’t hate him, etc.

to me, it’s pretty obvious that he’s fallen into the same trap a lot of people do at some point. he can’t wrap his head around people liking/loving him, because he does not like/love himself. the same goes for hiding his powers in a way; of course there’s the overarching reason that he doesn’t want to bring all the trouble of being known to have all of these psychic powers onto himself, but i think there’s a bit more underlying that than how it appears. he does not truly accept that part of him, so he can’t imagine anyone else would either.

like i said before, it’s this non-acceptance that leads to his obsession with appearing average/normal, and why if he fulfilled the wish of being completely average i don’t think it would make him actually happy. it’s like when you don’t want to admit you’re trans so you go even harder with appearing cis kinda?? yea. but because what he really wants is a world that will accept him, he changed the standards of a normal appearance/thinking speed/regeneration speed rather than changing himself to meet those standards

i think that both the lack of self acceptance and of self love come mostly from things that happened during his formative years. my favorite ones to explore are 1. him accidentally hurting akechi with his rage when they were kids and 2. kuusuke calling him a monster because why would you fucking say that kuusuke go sit in a corner and think about what you did. but those aren’t the only ones, there’s a lot going on there tbh

i hope this was satisfactory if you’re seeing this anon! i am about to pass out on my phone but i choose this over sleeping 🫶

[cinema-wasps]

behold. lanternhead dilf finally has a color ref. i love poppy, he's probably my most developed character that i put the biggest amount of love into making.. he is truly the man ever

more facts + bonus doodles under the cut :] [rejoice man tits be upon ye + including some fleshhead stuff bc i dont draw his objecthead design enough hfgdsfhjgdsh]

poppy is such a gentleman who's a fancy lady.. absolutely the type to kiss someone's hand as a greeting. he's very polite, always referring to people as miss/mister/etc [lastname] unless he's 100% sure they're fine with him being on a first name basis with them

he's a genuinely talented actor. the stage is his element, he's got a very clear and resonant stage voice and his acting is very expressive. he's got a lot of experience from his younger days from being cast as the hotheaded protagonist, but as he got older he started to get the evil older family member role more often. he absolutely adores it, he loves pretending to be evil and can pull it off perfectly

offstage he's. a complete mess. he struggles with general anxiety and basic self care, tends to overwork himself and put others before him to the point of neglecting himself. he struggles with insomnia due to his anxiety being Loud at night which lead to a caffeine addiction which only makes his anxiety worse

poppy tends to take a Lot of long walks in the middle of nowhere. being around nature is healing to him and helps him calm himself down a little. but he genuinely tends to unexpectedly disappear for hours at a time with no way to contact him. very often in the middle of the night

poppy is extremely lonely. he spent so much of his life travelling and never got the chance to actually enter a close and intimate relationship. he's a genuinely kind and sweet man so it's not hard for him to make friends, but it's a lot harder to turn those friendships into close meaningful relationships. his only dream is to find someone to love and settle down, but he believes he lost his chance to do so a long time ago and that it's too late for him to find someone now

his route is about helping him take care of himself and not be so hard on himself. making him realize that he's allowed to take up space and say 'no' to people. also letting him know that it's not too late for him to find love and understanding and intimacy and that he shouldn't give up on that yet

poppy has a very. complicated relationship with romance, he doesn't seek romantic relationships personally but he doesn't have a problem with them and will enter one if asked. but he wouldn't thrive in a romantic relationship and he Knows it. but it's not like he's going to say no

poppy adores useless trinkets of all sorts. he's a regular at the local antique store, handmade toy store and oddity shop. if it takes up space and doesn't do anything he will purchase it immediately

poppy tends to compliment people a lot, he loves seeing them happy and will try to do a lot of nice gestures if he likes someone [making sure they're taking care of themselves, getting them free theatre tickets, asking them to spend time with him, etc.] but if he's the one who's getting complimented he will Melt and become all bashful and flustered Every Time. you could bring him flowers after every performance and he will thank you one thousand times and tell you you shouldn't have every single time. he just thinks that someone taking the time to do/say something nice to him is such a sweet and lovely gesture and he appreciates it so much

he loves fireflies. his favorite activity is going to the park in the middle of the night and watching them for hours

he's got a wonderful singing voice. it's very deep and smooth and while very loud onstage it can also be very soft in private. legends say that him singing people to sleep actually works

that's all i have to say about the man for now.. please have some doodles and i hope that you will enjoy him as much as i do

[wolfofcelestia]

I forgot to mention fixing eng Sylus’s speaking pace because he’s weirdly sped up in some parts and sounds like… a robot being sped up. So if you haven’t done the survey yet, please tell them to fix Sylus’s talking speed lmao

I feel like he talks too slowly for them to fit his lines in a lot of the times

Anyway, here are some of my survey answers. Some of them were taken from the fandom here. Most of them are just me going off

Mario Kart-type racing game.

Fishing game with various settings (day/night fishing, ice fishing, lake, ocean, etc).

Farming/gardening game where we tend to flowers that represent the boys.

Stargazing/photography game where we look for and take pictures of constellations, planets, etc.

Increase the weekly cap for chocolates earned, especially now that we have four characters.

Let us exchange large ascension crystals for smaller ascension crystals. We have too many large ones that are of no use to us.

Give us more opportunities to earn diamonds.

Allow us to exchange duplicates plushies and badges for diamonds and get rid of the play limits on the crane game/kitty cards modes. 

Add EXP to memories used in battle after a win.

Let us replay text messages so we can choose different options.

Let us replay special login greetings that autoplay during special events.

More permanent mini games.

More ways to interact with the boys.

Add harder levels and better rewards to Bounty Hunts, Abyssal Chaos, and Core Hunts.

Get rid of orbit keys. We’re already limited by the strength of our cards/cores and the orbit schedule. We don’t need such a strict artificial limit

Please look over the English localization text and stay true to the original script.

Let us save which voice (dub) we want the boys to speak in. Some of us prefer different dub voices for different characters, and switching back and forth from different languages all the time is tiresome

In the Main Character maker, let us preview her different poses to see how her face moves.

A "Rest with him" feature that allows us to fall asleep next to the boys while listening to them sleep.

An alarm feature where we wake up to their voice gently urging us to wake up.

Make Friends more meaningful with interactions, power ups, etc. Perhaps borrowing cards from friends or having their chosen character come in to "rescue" us when we almost fail in battle.

When multiple attempts have been made in Deepspace trials, have the boys encourage you to keep trying. And after clearing a trial after multiple attempts, have them congratulate you on working hard.

A friendship setting to switch the boys to, so they can acknowledge that we chose to be in a relationship with another boy. The way some of the boys talk to us like we're married when we haven't thought about them in a long time really takes me out of the immersion.

Please improve the look of the boys' lips. Some of them look incredibly dry.

Casual clothes for Zayne because he deserves some comfy clothes.

[flashcry]

Hmmmm is it the web that feels lonelier?

Or is it that I feel a disconnect with the people that I consider close to me?

Let me reflect:

Back in the day there was daily and regular social interaction both in person and online. Irl interaction composed of comraderie, struggles, activities, and talking. Online interaction composed of talking (active), gaming, and sharing (passive). Passive sharing seemed more personal²? At least in my memory.

Currently there’s less physical interaction and talking, at least regularly. Interactions with friends most happen online; infrequently. Online talking: also infrequent (how did I imagine to have multiple conversations with multiple people every day?! Meaningful ones at that) ¹. Landscape of online sharing is primarily passive? It’s less interest-focused and more “viral”; more memes / reels, less sharing that shows what people actually like and less opportunity to relate to them?

Bringing it back:

I could totally be projecting but I feel like I’ve noticed more people in my life also struggle to connect with others. It really does feel like it used to be easier, at least online.

Theories as to why it’s harder:

- social media!!! Social media has become this capitalized hellscspe where you’re NOT ACTUALLY SOCIAL. It’s all of them now. BeReal was cool for a min but that was a bit *too* barebones for most people I think. Honestly, I can see why Snapchat made a comeback with the kids (it was dying). Snapchat is the closest thing to what social media meant to be; it’s primary function is interpersonal talking and photo sharing. It’s what Facebook Messenger or texting was for me when I was younger. I mean I loved Snapchat when a bunch of my friends were on it, but I don’t think I could see myself using it again (due to communication issues I have??)

- social media pt 2: okay now that I’ve thought about it, there ARE a few social medias that have (vaguely) kept the plot: Snapchat, BeReal, tumblr (ha), Facebook (maybe shocking? But if you go on it, those few people that are still posting are posting the same shit that they would have 10 years ago. It’s still pretty personal, I’d consider. Intentionally personal at that). I think the popular ones (at least in my circles) just changed focus in ways that makes communicating different and leds personal.

- less non-professional / non-familial communicating irl affects your communication desire and capability in all aspects of your life. Back when we were in school, we had daily communicating, usually with friends and our comm skills were PRIMO. But as we aged out of that, got into the professional world, and friend circles got smaller, we don’t interact with close ones (outside of family and work) regularly. This lack of practice makes it harder to communicate even online. Just a theory

- life. It just happens man. Affects us all, in all different kinds of ways.

Wrapping it up:

In conclusion: ???? I don’t know. Writing this was a rollercoaster lmao. I thought by the end I’d have a better understanding of why I feel like communicating is different (harder) now. I think:

- I’ve become a worse communicator (bc of life, lack of practice, and the landscape of social media)

- I could do better about reaching out to friends and trying to conversate with them

- I can share my interests more!! I do not do that often and I feel like it’s stunted all my existing friendships such that I feel like none of my friends know anything about me

- gotta get out of my head more (stay in head less)

- the web is more active but less social, *very* generally. I think due to shifts in platforms and the “corporatization” of everything, communicating online is more stifling. This leads to people being more disconnected.

- I think life kicks a lot of ass and things have come up that made me not connect with people in the way that I should. I think the same of a lot of people I know too. But thinking this out loud is a good reminder for me to check in on people more

- a lot of people DO suck at communicating!! That’s not my fault (probably??). Idk, there’s a lot of rude people out there. Is that commonplace? I feel like a lot of people don’t realize they’re being rude but they totally are. Todo: build more on this

I think I’ll add to this or modify it as my thoughts change. I think there’s tons more to add!! This is just the surface that my brain could scratch at 4:30am. This will be like my running log of my exploration into communication in the modern world. It started off scientific in my head then became a diary entry lmao.

TODO consider:

- dead internet theory? (Bots?)

- ways to better this!

- instant messaging vs forums??

- decline of personal sites and blogs?

- I used to have nightly conversations with friends. I don't have a rapport with anyone like that anymore, where I feel like I could talk freely and with frequency. HMMMMMM do I hold myself back?

¹ Meaningful conversations: not to say that every conversation was like emotional and heart sharing, but to the point where things were so natural, even the conversations about absolutely nothing. HMMM maybe I’m in my head more? Am I influenced by ideals of social constructions and “conversational correctness”? Am I scared to be myself in favor of being a good conversational partner? Or have I just grown? Or maybe I struggle with conversating in general now? Hmmmmm.

² god I FUCKING loved it when everyone I knew was on tumblr. Everyone had their own little blogs and it was so nice. Seeing what my friends would rb was so nice!! Like a look into their psyche that they were willing to share with the world!

Note: I used the word “passively” throughout this but maybe in some places I may have meant “indirectly”. But honestly they’re probably interchangeable here and I most likely meant some new word that was both passive AND indirect; because that’s different entirely!!

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas 🌟

the moral support you give your community with this help boxes / asks is truly astounding, i admire you so much for it and i think it's incredible how you managed to create this safe space, not only for you but for other people as well <3

having said that, i too come looking for advice 🙈

explaining the whole story would take waaaay too long, so the tl;dr version is this: i'm not a very social person to begin with, i've always struggled with keeping relationships and forming deep meaningful bonds, but for the past few years the closest thing i had to a "best-friendship" was with this one group of female friends from university. we used to live all together in a student residency, but back in november i had to move out, and ever since then i've had the feeling that our relationship completely deteriorated. we still all live in the same (small) town, we're all doing the same program so we have all classes together but we still never really see each other outside of academic settings (eg lectures or exams). i know they see each other all the time because they're still living all together and i've been feeling very left out.

about a month ago i finally snapped, so i tried addressing this issues i was having with one of them, and she was incredibly understanding. we had a long conversation about how we both felt about the situation and by the end we had agreed to both try our best to be more involved in each other's life.

except a month has passed and....nothing really changed. i still hear very little from any of them and we still only ever see each other if we're doing exams together (which happens, like, once every couple of weeks, and the whole time we're either stressed or concentrated, so there's not really time for catching up). we're currently going through my university's exam period so i really understand how we're all busy with school, but still...i wish they made an attempt at involving me more.

so now i'm wondering if i should try and address these problems i've had / i'm having with all of them instead of just the one friend. we'll all go back to our homes in a few weeks (we live all scattered around my country), and next year we'll all be on different year abroad programs so the next time we'll be together all in the same town will probably be in about a year (not counting the one week vacation we're going on this summer, but it won't be just us girls then).

what do you think? would it be counterproductive to rise the problem now? i'm afraid of how they'll react with me addressing it so ""late"" and that it could potentially ruin the little relationship we currently have.

thank you for whatever you will answer <3

Hi! <3

So first off, I have to ask..you seem to say a lot about how they aren't including you...but have you asked them to make plans? Reached out to them? I think with friendships, it's a two-way street, you know? You can't place the blame solely on them if you haven't really reached out either.

That being said, yes I think you should say something. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to mend fences. Try to be honest, but not accusatory, and tell them how you're feeling. I think it's best to try to fix it before you all go study abroad. As far as you waiting this long to address it, if they care, they'll be happy you said anything at all! And it they're mad you brought it up- take it as a sign that those friendships aren't worth keeping. Either way, it's worth it to know and fix what you need to fix.

Good luck, I know you can do it! <3

Naming you late anon

[elizabethplaid]

daily notes - april 16, 2024

Got up fine today, though I still didn't quite feel "on my game". How bad was I spaced out? Didn't realize I forgot my nose ring until I was already at the library. Remembered my other jewelry, though!

LL-J wasn't there, so it was an "indulgent" day. Since joined me again, too. I played phone games the whole time, until there was like an hour left. Then I read badly-edited romance novels and kept having to stop and cringe, pedantically.

"Why am I reading this?" I asked myself. It's the smut, truly. But a lot of the stories on the app are fantasies: eg werewolves, billionaires, mafia, fated mates, etc. So the lead-up romance scenes aren't always smooth.

I had just finished a really nice story set in a bakery with a hard-of-hearing FL and an ML with burn scars on his leg. (It's "Wrong Number" by Laura Brown, on the Readict app, if you're inclined.)

There was another recent one with some cursed pirate-ghost situation. Seemed to be set in my area of Maine, though they only mentioned nearby towns. They also spelled Eastport as two separate words and misspelled the name of my college's town. Other than those details, it was pretty nice. ("Salvation" by Jacqueline Paige)

I haven't been reading on the app as much since mid-January, when my phone-friend got in contact with me again. Between our conversations and rereading my own writing, it's a lot harder to turn off my brain for these stories.

The hyper-empathy is also a challenge, as I envision how I'd react in those situations. In particular, it's the rich guy buying expensive things for the woman without consulting her. (In contrast, those shopping-spree montages in movies are a fantasy I know I want but can't achieve. More because of what sizes stores offer, than the fictional budget. Guess it's about control and my opinion mattering.)

My mom used to do that a lot, with her ebay purchases, and her bad spending habits were a big source of tension in the family. But she'd buy these things with me in mind, allegedly. Sometimes it was something I wanted to show her to say "hey this is neat"; other times, it was something of interest that I hadn't seen. But they were unwanted. After all, if money is finite (mom always ran up her credit cards to the limit), I should make what I get count - pick out something -really- good, that I won't regret getting.

I've mentioned this to phone-friend before. When thinking of trinkets as gifts, I said I wanted something practical yet meaningful, preferably not expensive. And they gave me a Saint Sebastian key chain, which I adore. My side of the exchange was our friendship bracelets.

Over time, I've learned -and am still learning- just how much my mom mucked with how I perceive relationships. It's tough to accept being appreciated for just being myself - that I don't have to do some service in order to be "worth keeping around". (It was easier to accept that my body type can be seen as attractive, and that's already a hurdle for many people.) Accepting gifts makes me feel guilty sometimes, reliving those memories. I'm getting better about asking for allowance, but I don't like spending money often.

It's funny that mom was the one who introduced me to romance novels, including the smutty ones. Now I'm noticing my struggles with enjoying them, because of her affect on me. Then again, I keep thinking of what I would do in these situations. Basically, it's food-for-thought as to developing my own stories.

[thedragonsfate]

anyway I'm just gonna dump some fantasy High stuff here bc work got cancelled coz of the snow/ice and I'm rewatching freshman year rn

- riz/fabian qpr? VERY different story for me than romantic involvement. give me that very particular friendship give me that "this is confusing" for riz bc he knows he's not ~into~ fabian and he's terrified of fabian being into him but also he just wants needs HAS to be closer to him than his other friends and them navigating together what exactly that means. also bc I just. adore when fabian gives away that he 100% considers riz to be his best friend it's always v sweet and meaningful even when it's silly im

- sorry but I just have to believe that for a small time in freshman year fabian has a crush on adaine and that played a small part in his reaction to aelwyn being her sister

- that being said the boy is Not straight I like bi fabian I like pan fabian I like gay comphet fabian I like gay repressed fabian give me any queer fabian you've got my stamp of approval

- also bc I DO agree that fabian probably had a small crush on riz at somepoint as well that would eventually turn into a v different but still intense and loving partnership

- which is fun to think abt bc sophomore year DID fully convert me into a fabragh shipper, and ragh is very very different than both riz and adaine in terms of like. post-bully/post-being groomed/post a year of counseling w Jawbone Era ragh is so emotionally open and intelligent and vulnerable I feel like (things that riz and adaine aren't necessarily NOT, but definitely not in the public way that ragh is) and in that ragh is genuinely just not a very smart guy - which is in direct opposition to adaine and riz as the two big research bad kids yk. they really are the two who love to learn with a hunger for knowledge. they both love to KNOW things (albeit in slightly different ways) also theyre both v sarcastic and straightforward, whereas ragh is someone who I feel like reacts to situation just as straightforward but with more genuine emotion, and with a simple minded approach to the world that just screams genuineness

- I like fabian finding that the part of him drawn to that hunger for knowledge and a little bitchiness and Knowing Things can be sated in his friendships but particularly in a qpr with riz, and also finding that in terms of a romantic partner, having someone who knows the depths of toxic masculinity repressing your emotions who also actively draws vulnerability out of the people around him through exhibiting his own/ his own acceptance of those harder feelings- is someone REALLY good for fabian. and finding that being as attentive and admiring and uplifting to his partner as fabian can be is something really good for ragh considering raghs past relationships

- anyway obvs I'm not the biggest fan of fabian and aelwyn at the end of soph year but also I think it's something that wouldn't last v long anyway and I think it's maybe good for leading them both into making a pivot into more deliberate self care and discovery

- also just. care a LOT abt fig and gorgugs friendship. underrated best friends. maybe not underrated there's so much fan content I've yet to explore but yk what I mean. from the first few episodes? they are Best Friends. gorgug and fabian and ragh have a fun important jock friend dynamic and ofc gorgug has an important relationship with Zelda but I fully believe wholeheartedly that fig is gorgugs best friend. fig also has her important relationships - ayda, adaine, Kristen (or. honestly fig has a v particular friendship with every bad kid that I value SUPER highly. she cares a LOT) but gorgug was her first ride or die and there's a lot that can be shared between two people who can quietly admit just how much they CARE.

- damn now I'm thinking abt fig too much

- also fig and fabians relationship changing as gilear and hallariel get more serious and fabian accepts gilear into his family unit a bit more - fig was SO full speed ahead abt gorgug or riz being her brother to have fabian actually kind of fall into that position? amazing incredible

- fig also becoming pseudo sisters with adaine and aelwyn??? also very important???

- fig and riz kind of potentially becoming siblings????? CHAOS and also PERFECTION maybe it's just the Emily Murph chemistry but there's something so particularly FUN abt these two. and also. this connection of having been the. two at the beginning of sophomore year nabbed to fulfill that first part of getting kalina and later the abernants etc a way into the forest of the nightmare king

- I'll admit I have a harder time pinning Kristen down in my head post sophomore year. I think I need to fully explore what I think it looks like for Kristen to Fully Understand what Tracker is expressing she needs, and letting herself look outside of herself a little more. she's had so much battle within herself in terms of self acceptance and world views shattering and religious and spiritual journey that. I think she just hasn't gotten old enough yet to FULLY experience looking outside of herself. not necessarily in a selfish way but also a little bit? Kristen's not the only one struggling with this necessarily but I think she is the one who's struggling with it the MOST

- if anybody actually reads this and has any good fic recommendations exploring Kristen and tracker separately and together post sophomore year when tracker goes on her mission with ragh PLEASE hit me up

- nothing I can say abr riz will ever be as poignant as the post abt his bloody hands.

- adaine having family in a semi traditional sense??? also extremely important to me. to see her and jawbone like. doing parent kid stuff together on purpose to build memories with one another? adaine and aelwyn being awkward hovery unsure sisters as they both work on continuing recovery? adaine being a guiding influence in aelwyns life, and supporting her through a new family landscape and personal landscape and disability landscape when she is able and helping aelwyn find therapy and jawbone and other adults and peers to lean on as well to flush out that support system she never had? adaine getting to settle even further into her growing network of people who LOVE her, and say it and show it and clearly value her input. her seeing a new therapist to process how difficult it can be to accept love from a parent a figure when all you've know is rejection in the past

-there are essays I could write abt aelwyn abernant and her relationship with her sister but alas not today

- fig being this glue. I really TRULY believe that fig plays a particular role in the bad kids

- riz and Kristen continuing to be this chaos duo purely on accident despite fully believing in themselves to Not be that

- riz and gorgugs quieter friendship

- gorgug and fig talking about bisexuality

- Kristen and fabian talking abt internalized homophobia, and their own relationships with self image and selfishness amongst a genuine drive to be kind

- literally any of them and all of them talking abt their dad's. it's all so different and yet so intertwined

- Kristen and fig just being genuinely p good friends, perhaps not huge confidants for one another in a way outside of the bad kid dynamic, but someone to lean on with gf stuff, and impulsively stuff, etc

- fig and tracker becoming p good friends feels good to me. tracker and ragh becoming kind of?? fully best friends on their quest?? getting to lean into one another as someone who has embraced their sexuality in a particularly mirrored way? as people in the lives of the bad kids but also just individuals going through their own shit

- I have a lot to add abt the seven but this rambly post is already too long probably

- gorgugs friends fully appreciating him and understanding him at different levels. more of adaine being extra supportive and uplifting of him Re: his first date with Zelda.

- more of any of them teasing the others abt romantic endeavors

- honestly more adaine being invested in her friends love lives bc she just. loves her friends and wants them to be happy regardless of her own journey of finding out who she is in that arena.

- personally a big fan of sex repulsed ace adaine but I also am kind of just. particularly open to most things sexuality/attraction wise with adaine. I really TRULY love adaine taking YEARS to figure out where she thinks her attention and interest is or isn't drawn

- adaine and riz research friends / fiends

- fabian gorgug and adaine being Voices of Reason for an overworked and sleepless riz, fabian gorgug adaine and riz being voices of reason to fig and Kristen's separate shenanigans

- the list of voices of reason goes on and on ; having such a tight network of friends is genuinely such a particular gift

- slumber parties at mordrid

- the bad kids annual kidnap gilear to ditch school day

- the bad kids reoccurring shrimp parties

- fig and the sig figs concerts and tours and interviews and breaks

- ayda getting to know other members of the bad kids better. ayda hanging out with adaine bc they're best friends. ayda hanging out with fig and uplifting eachother and finding solace in one another and someone who just. sees them.

- ayda bonding with other autistic bad kids. seem some rlly good gorgug riz and Kristen autistic hcs and they're all v nice in their different ways so honestly any combination of that

- ayda and Kristen just sort of. not getting eachother?? ayda and FABIAN just sort of. not getting eachother but being kind and thoughtful just as people ans also in an effort to find friendship in someone else v important to fig

- gorgug and ayda getting along just. genuinely pretty easily cbjdsbxnksxkc

- ok I'm done for rn xbjdnzncm

[ina-nis]

I think most random adults are not really looking for friendships.

Those with already established friend groups often don't care to expand their social circles. (x)

That’s precisely it.

This is one of the reason why time doesn’t work with AVPD. This is one of the reasons why the more time goes on, the more isolating it feels.

Let’s say you spend your formative years struggling:

Maybe the problems started in childhood, due to neglect and peer rejection. Instead of learning how to form secure attachments and social skills, you were lagging behind. To counter that, you started mimicking your peers and masking in front of adults.

Somehow, you still have “friends” (classmates) and a “support system” (a dysfunctional family).

Maybe as a teenager, you suffer bullying and feel alienated from your peers for being “weird”, having “weird” interests, looking and sounding “weird” and so forth. You might feel the first taste of discrimination (ableism, queerphobia, etc) and that further pushes you into a corner and away from others. You’re unable to fit with peers your age, and most tries end up in rejection. You try to hang out with people with the same interests then, broadening your horizons, you realize that a lot of the connection is conditional, and there’s a lot of untold rules and rituals. There’s financial, energy and time constraints, on top of the emotional issues too.

You start distancing yourself from people, and they leave you be, since you’ll always tell them you’re “alright” and “there’s nothing wrong”, you’re “just busy/tired.”

Maybe as a young adult, things seem to improve some. There’s more chances for connections at secondary education and/or employment. You keep experimenting and trying to find your place in yourself and in the world. Maybe you have the help of a therapist or counselor too. You start tackling the trauma issues and internalized self-hatred, among other things. You keep on finding refugee in online communities as you’ve been doing for a few years already.

You find the joy and pleasure in solitude and dedicate most of you time to solitary activities, you don’t address the elephant in the room and notices that trying to do that is not only pointless, it also causes you distress. True avoidance commences.

Maybe as an adult, you start noticing that not having the social foundation you ought to have at this age make some things extremely difficult but, of course, you can just avoid them indefinitely. It’s somehow even harder to relate to peers in your age group (because you’re probably stuck with “childish” interests), and without a social life, there’s not much reason to go outside if not to do chores or exercise.

You want to repair the damage and be able to connect with people, finally. You’re in a better place mentally and/or physically. You’re ready for it now but... there’s nothing, and your attempts led to nothing. You can count on some of your online friends, of course, but that’s different from having people in person; the support and relationship is different too. It’s not on the same level and never will be. A screen will never be a substitute for a real human being.

And you seek out, but people are busy with their families, their careers, their established relationships and bonds with their own peers. There’s no place for new ones, it takes a lot of energy and effort for that - you probably don’t feel like it because you don’t have that yourself.

You’re a blank slate that doesn’t fit anywhere.

If you haven’t used all those years to build something meaningful with your life, it’s very likely that you won’t do that now that you’re older and tired. And it’s very likely that you won’t find many people willing to put up the effort and time to make things work for and with you.

The future is grim.

[olivieblake]

Hey Olivie!! Hope you’re well :)

I have loved and followed your big sis advice for years now, and I could use some of it now.

I have always been the kind of individual who has really close 1:1 friendships, but has always yearned for a friend group. I’m in my second year of college, and last year, I finally felt belonging with a group of people, but all of them are seniors and have graduated. I know I am a loved human being, but a lot of the people I love most are long distance now, and I feel lonely in my day-to-day life. I always have seemed to get along with people older than me, but my mom put it bluntly: I need friends my age. I can get along with anyone, but in terms of choosing who I actually click with and invest in, it is very few people. My friends who graduated were all individuals who had similar vibes and energy as me—we enjoyed art, philosophy, and just being silly together. Even now, I’ll look for people with similar interests, but it just doesn’t click. I wish I had something more concrete to go off of—I like a lot of people, but I wouldn’t call them “my people”. I found one girl I really click with, but she’s super flaky and doesn’t seem reliable. I want to love deeply and be loved back deeply, to choose and be chosen.

I’d love to hear your two cents on this. How have female friendships blossomed for you? Am I being too picky or judgemental? Am I doomed to be a floater, a social nomad never belonging to anyone?

Anyways. Thanks! Love you. Boutta reread masters of death, it’s that time of year.

man, I won't lie, finding and maintaining meaningful friendship has been harder in my personal experience than romantic love. there honestly shouldn't even be a distinction! it's a difference of texture, not process. finding someone you vibe with and can be vulnerable with and can trust with your intimacy and tenderness and care and also rely on even though there is no social protocol for friendship the way there is for romantic partnership is a real mind-bender. I think it just depends on how you choose to prioritize your relationships, energy, and time. finding friends is hard, especially if you're coming from a group that already had its own dynamic and fabric, but it just comes down to being open to connection and valuing people for what they bring to your life, even if it's just the possibility of something bigger. be open, be honest about yourself and your passions, and that will take you pretty far, but also, genuine connection is rare. which means it might be hard to find (that's the bad news) and you should nurture it when you have it (that's the actionable item). I meet smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, interesting women all the time, but my openness to them is often what determines the difference between friendship and acquaintanceship.

"I want to love deeply and be loved back deeply, to choose and be chosen" is a great way to put it, and something to hold onto, because knowing what you want is a great first step to being able to make the choices to honor it

[mistresslynndramione]

And now for something wholesome: sharing your wizard porn with your parents.

A few months ago, I live blogged my parents reading From Wiltshire, With Love on Facebook and have been meaning to cross post it on tumblr since people had so much fun reading it on Facebook. Here you go!

...........

My mom just started reading From Wiltshire, With Love. She’s seen the Harry Potter movies but her memory isn’t the best for a variety of reasons.

First question: “Who is you-know-who?” 

Second question: “Boldemort? With a ‘B’?”

She wants to read it. I don’t know how much she’ll actually enjoy it but it’s nice that she’s trying. 

It really underscores how meaningful fandom friendships and support are. It’s not exactly a ceramics project that I can bring out to show our guests at a Shabbat meal. 

‘After the blessing over the challah, can anyone help me out with funny euphemisms for vagina?’ 

I wrote FWWL and Blackmailed during a very difficult period in my life (I didn’t know anyone in fandom except Misdemeanor at the time) and didn’t feel like I could share those stories IRL. Writing them was this massive effort which i did in complete isolation and didn’t have anyone to talk to about. (I didn’t want to bother MisD because I was gifting it to her) 

I told my sister but she doesn’t read WIPs. My other sister hasn’t read the HP series, let alone fanfiction. My husband was supportive in general but it took him a while to understand how meaningful this hobby was to me. And he’s ESL, has trouble reading English fiction, has different tastes than me, and is still on my old vampire story. Then I started to make friends in the comment section. Then I got to know people on discord and Facebook. It was bumpy at first, figuring out where I wanted to be and where to avoid, but I’ve found little pockets on the internet with cool people to share this hobby with.

But still. It’s not the same as having IRL people support you. And so, let the updates begin!

UPDATE: Mom reading FWWL while I finish up a technical report.

Mom: You're really imaginative.

Me: Thank you!

Mom: I'm really enjoying this.

Me: That's great!

Mom: You should let Daddy read this.

Me: .....

Mom: I think he'd enjoy it, too.

Me: There's more porn than your romance novels.

Mom: (laughing) 

Me: The porn in fanfiction is better than in romance novels.

Mom: (laughs harder) I haven't gotten that far, who's it between? Hermione and Harry?

Me: No, Hermione and Draco. It's enemies-to-lovers.

Mom: Oooooh.....

.

.

.

UPDATE: Me: So you're really enjoying it, even though you don't remember most of the series?

Mom: I get the gist of things. It's sometimes confusing to remember who's good and who's bad, but I go along with it. You know who else should read this (names a bunch of my childhood friends that I haven't seen since highschool).

Me: ......

Mom: (mentions their mothers too)

Me: What chapter are you on?

Mom: Chapter 4.

Me: (checking to see which chapter has Draco's forbidden fruit/gateway wank) Maybe read a bit more first.

.

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LIVE READ UPDATE: My sisters are dying right now. So is my husband. They want to know what my mom thinks of the whole thing as she reads. It's a big family thing right now except for my dad. Live reads for everyone.  Maybe I'll get up the courage to tell my dad to read it one day and we'll do another family live read.

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LIVE READ UPDATE:

Mom: Did you use 'Pinner' because (British family member) lives there?

Me: Yes.

Mom: (laughing) Cool!

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LIVE READ UPDATE: Mr. Lynn set mom up with an iPad so she doesn't have to read off her phone. I notice she's on Chapter 5. Chapter 6 has the gateway wank...

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LIVE READ UPDATE:

Mom: What are all these names down here?

Me: People that gave kudos.

Mom: What's a kudo?

Me: An indication that they liked the story.

Mom: That's a lot of people.

Me: Yes!

Mom: You have hundreds of readers! That's pretty neat!

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LIVE READ UPDATE:

Me: What do you think, Mom? Any more questions? (wondering if she's gotten to the masturbation yet)

Mom: (laughs) What is Obliviate?

Me: Removing the memories from someone's mind.

Mom: (arrived at chapter 6)

Me: (biting nails)

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LIVE READ UPDATE: My sister thinks it's hilarious that I refer to my husband as "Mr. Lynn".

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LIVE READ UPDATE:

Tween Daughter: What are you reading Bubba? (Bubba is yiddish for grandmother)

Mom: Your Mommy's book.

Tween Daughter: Oh! Do you like it?

Mom: Yes, your mommy is a good writer.

Tween Daughter: Mommy, Bubba likes your book! (for the record, tween daughter does not know that this involves smut, but teen daughter does)

Me: Yes, I heard.

Tween Daughter: You should really read Keeper of the Lost Cities. It'll give you good ideas.

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LIVE READ UPDATE:

Mom: What are Legilimency and Occlumency?

Me: (explains)

Mom: Are these actual words or did you make them up?

Me: They come from the Harry Potter series.

Me: (she's still on chapter 6...)

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SHE FINISHED CHAPTER 6!!!!!

Mom: Did you write something called They All Taste the Same?

Me: Yep.

Mom: How many stories have you written?

Me: 5 stories, two of them were 10 years ago. I just started up again in the pandemic.

Mom: Jeez, you've been keeping secrets!

Me: Well, I was kind of embarrassed since they have so much smut in them.

Mom: (laughs)

Me: I figured since you read romance novels, what's the difference?

Mom: (laughs) Well, I just read that masturbation scene and it seemed appropriate.

Of all the reactions she could have, this made me laugh hysterically. Story appropriate masturbation. Definitely not gratuitous satisfying of the female gaze. I love you, Mom! As an aside, my mom has always been ashamed of reading romance novels. I just realized that this whole thing is probably very validating for her right now. It is for me too!

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Mom: This has been translated?

Me: Into Chinese and Russian.

Mom: Are you making money from this?

Me: (laughing)

This bit reminds me of when I got my first patent. I was so proud and told my mom, her reaction: ‘You’ll be rich!’  (grad students will find that especially funny) Several patents and a decade later... I couldn’t buy a pack of gum from those patents. Nice for the resume though.

Mom: What does Obliviate mean?

Me: (laughing that she keeps forgetting this particular word)

We also discussed Apparition (like ‘Beam me up, Scottie!’) Death Eaters and Mudblood and the parallels to Jews and Nazi Germany, Dumbledore as Churchill and Fudge as Chamberlain.

Me: The art is pretty cool isn’t it?

Mom: Yes! Who made it?

Me: Different people.

Mom: That’s really neat! Did you know them?

Me: No, they just felt inspired to draw something after reading. I got to know some of them though, and we became good friends.

Mom: it’s like a separate life you have.

Me: Kind of.

Me: so what do you think so far?

Mom: It’s interesting!

At this, my dad, Mr. Lynn, and I all crack up. You have to understand. ‘Interesting’ from my mother, is the kiss of death. If we go to a restaurant and she says her meal was interesting, that means she wouldn’t feed it to a dog dying from starvation, the food is that bad. ‘Interesting’ is slightly worse than ‘it’s ok.’ She’s just way too sweet to say something negative.

But in this case, ‘interesting’ could be taken at face value. A few chapters later, she said it was addictive and very engrossing. Thanks Mom! 

Mom: Is MistressLynn your penname?

Me: Yes.

Mom: (smiling, because Lynn is actually my middle name)

Mom: Can I please share this with (childhood friend’s mother)? She’s such a big Harry Potter fan, I think she’d like this.

Me: But the porn. It’s one thing to share with you, another with someone outside the family.

Mom: hmm... she stopped watching Working Moms because she didn’t like the foul language.

Me: There’s a bit more than foul language in this.....

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Me: What chapter are you on?

Mom: I’m not sure, Hermione is comparing how she feels about Ron with how she feels about Malfoy.

(Note: my mom pronounces it ‘Mall-foy” as in ‘let’s go to the mall’)

Me: what chapter are you on?

Mom: Twenty something. Are you wondering when I’ll get to the sex?

Me: (laughing) Yes. It’s a while. Another 20 chapters or so.

Mom: oh! That’s a slow build!

Me: Yep!

Mom: I like slow builds!

Me: me too!

Mom: So where did you learn about sex in books?

(Awkward silence)

Me: You.

(We burst out laughing)

Me: I went through your stockpile of romance novels on the floor of your bedroom closet when I was younger.

Mom: I tried donating those Harlequin books once, the library wouldn’t take them!

Update from my dad: we decided he will read it. While my mom needs some help in the event of a tab closing, my dad is tech savvy and said he’ll read it as an ePub file.

Mom: I think Daddy would like this. It’s such a good story.

Me: but there’s porn.

Mom: daddy knows what porn is.

(We all laugh)

Dad: I’ll pretend I don’t know the source of the porn.

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Me: So, how far are you into the story? What part are you at?

Mom: Chapter 60-something. You know, when you asked me before which part I was at, I couldn't tell you. Everything was so complex and engrossing, it's like I'm in a completely different world, I didn't even know how to answer you.

Me: I'm really happy you're enjoying it!

Mom: Oh my gosh. It's so engrossing. I'm so glad you shared it with me after all this time.

Just a thought, my mom usually reads fiction or romance. Not fantasy. This comment makes me think she'd really like fantasy. But I don't think she's ever tried. Probably because decades ago it was perceived as nerdy and masculine. It's not perceived that way any more, but it used to be. Incoming rage at how girls and women are made to feel that entire genres are 'not for them'.

Me: Do you have any questions?

Mom: Was Draco Malfoy a character in Harry Potter?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Do you pronounce it Draco (with a short 'a')?

Me: No, Dray-co.

Mom: Are all the characters from Harry Potter?

Me: Yes, I didn't write any original characters.

Mom: I see that your trip to Universal Studios wasn't just for the kids.

Me: (laughing) Definitely not. It's a widespread family obsession. So...

Mom: ...

Me: What do you think of the sex scenes?

Mom: The sex? It's there. It's graphic.

Me: (laughing)

Mom: It's a 'graphic novel.'

Me: (groan-laughing)

Mom: But they're well done. I don't know how you made each sex scene different but they're all different from each other.

Me: I try! I don't want the smut to be repetitive.

Mom: Are your other books like this?

Me: With sex? Yes.

Mom: No, in the Harry Potter world.

Me: Yes. It's all wizard porn.

Mom: (laughs)

So there you have it. My Mom read my porn and she likes it. She reads romance novels so why not? 

Me: So what do you think about the violent chapters?

Mom: Parts are scary, but you get through it.

Me: There's more violence to come.

Mom: (laughs) I got that impression. You have a philosophy about warfare and how it affects everyone.

Me: Yes.

Mom: I can't imagine how difficult it would be, choosing the lesser of two evils and living with it.

Me: I can't either.

Mom: Well, you did a good job.

My mom does not read violent books or horror. She's not a fan of it in movies or TV shows either. So - just so you understand, she's reading those parts for me, because she wants to read what her daughter wrote. Thinking about that makes me a bit teary eyed.

Me: So what do you think overall so far?

Mom: I like the flow of the story, the pacing is really good. It just progresses and progresses.

Me: What's your favorite part?

Mom: Oh gosh. I don't know. Maybe when Draco and Hermione are tender with each other.

Me: (blech - tender fluff is SO not my thing lol)

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UPDATE: Mom finished!

Me: So was there anything you didn't like? (FWWL spoilers ahead)

Mom: Well, that one scene was shocking.

Me: With the torture?

Mom: No, that wasn't so bad.

Me: The snake sex?

Mom: No. The other one.

Me: The strangulation sex?

Mom: Yes, it was shocking.

Me: You thought that was worse than the snake sex?

Mom: Well, the snake sex was a dream.

Me: Huh.

Mom: Can I read your other stories?

This was a ton of fun. I really enjoyed sharing it with her, and I'm excited for her to read my other stuff.

Since this Facebook post, my dad has read From Wiltshire, With Love as well. He was also completely engrossed, was sucked right into the story, and really enjoyed the world building. He asked a lot of questions about what I had invented, and what came from canon, as well as some terms he didn’t know (he’s only seen a few of the Harry Potter movies, and hasn’t read the books). The other thing he enjoyed was the comments on the story, and how I interacted with readers, and how I cited sources of inspiration when they came from other fanfiction works. 

My parents both agreed that this was the raciest, most graphic novel they have ever read. lol And they’re both eager to read the story that I’ll be working on next year.

If anyone is on the fence about sharing their fics with their family I'd encourage you to consider it. My parents were floored that I've been writing, and they really enjoyed reading my more plotty stuff. (Dad has not read my PWP stories) It's feels really good to get their acceptance and praise. Because I've worked on this for so long and kept it hidden, it feels like a weight has been removed from my shoulders - sharing it with them. I wish I had shared it sooner because this has definitely made us closer. In particular with my mom. We've never bonded over her romance novels, but we're bonding over this. It's more personal.

[dr-lizortecho]

Alright so I held back on my farewell to Roswell New Mexico this long for a slew of reasons. For anyone still following me post 4x13 you probably have a small hint as to why. But now I’m at peace with how the show went out (not happy, obviously. I’ll still maintain my views on pretty much the entire season and the writers involved). But I have been able to come to a place where my love for Liz and a lot of her supporting characters have surpassed all of that negativity. Cause though the writing felt like a knife specifically curated to cut into my heart it failed to tarnish the characters and relationships. The rest of this will be under the cut for being overly sappy and cringe <3

Roswell New Mexico came into my life not once but three times (coincidentally the same amount of times Liz came into Max’s), and each time it gave me something I can’t ever be grateful enough for. The cast and crew truly created a gift, one built with love and so much thoughtfulness (barring certain aspects as it continued on). Jeanine’s love and passion for her character shinning through flawlessly in all her scenes, even when the script she was working with was sub par.

First, I discovered the show with my brother through seeing a trailer during one of the arrowverse shows. And then we decided to watch. It was a wild ride, as season one was. Both of us having alternating theories and discussions about the show and the characters. This was at a time when my life felt empty and broken (I was a highschooler, lol). My brother -one of my best friends- was graduating and probably leaving my life in some way shape or form, creating a complicated mess of emotions. Through all of that we had forgotten how to interact and just be, without something external to bring us together. And RNM became that. More than that the characters dynamics reminded me of how my childhood felt, Max and Isobel’s dynamic reminiscent of how we’d been when we were little. Creating a firm nostalgia that helped me try harder and push the limits in reconnecting. Just seeing Max’s fear of losing Isobel was enough to make me certain I didn’t want that. All while Maria and Liz’s friendship making me homesick for the same thing with my best friend. Who I’d made the terrible mistake of attempting to date (cause highschool and questioning my sexuality), which had fractured our dynamic in a strange way. Not only that but struggling through that relationship being ‘outed’ to my conservative/religious family, and watching the way my mother distanced herself. Having her tell me it was something my father didn’t need to know about, because it was over and I’d never fall down that path again. So for two seasons RNM saved my two most important relationships to date, helped me reconnect with my two best friends. Because I was reminded by Alex in 1x07 to get out of my own head and talk to my best friend, reminded time in and time out by Max that it’s in the trying to communicate. If you love something you don’t let go, unless you’re asked to.

The second time RNM saved me is probably the most meaningful to me in some strange way. Though it took the longest, and seemed to stretch out for an eternity. All of season three and the entire lead up to season four (and half of it, though the current season wasn’t really part of it). Somehow between all the life events of starting college, losing my dog, and falling into a depressive state, I’d forgotten the show existed. Then while skipping a class (Chemistry, lol), because the anxiety was too much for me to handle, I opened Netflix and it was suggested for me. It was like a million memories crashed into me and they were warm and safe and comforting. So I turned it on and rewatched and relearned all the characters who had once meant so much to me, then when that was over I opened ao3 and tumblr (for the first time since the Supernatural obsession). Somehow I let my depression and anxiety get the best of me, flunking classes and moving from job to job. Whatever it took to stop the cold feeling of inadequacy and anxiety every time it seemed to take over. Long story short this continued for at least a year, one in which I fell so hard into the depression I stopped reaching out to my best friend, almost lost her honestly it was so bad. But along that line, getting to watch Liz struggle with similar things -though vastly different- was a lifesaver. It gave me that small bit of strength to push through and understand myself. By being able to examine her traumas and reasons for running so fast and so forcefully I was able to examine myself. Not just what I was running from but running too, like 3x08 tore my heart out and showed it to me. Not only that, but being able to watch how Max saw Liz, seeing her faults. How she was loud and took up space, how she ran from people, how she built armor around her like a cage. To be able to watch him love her unconditionally, to see him not only love her positive traits but the negative ones. It all helped break the cage around my own heart, helped me face myself and the people I loved. Not only that but being able to watch Liz Ortecho be loud and take up space- as a woman who’s spent my whole life being told by the people closest to me that I’m too loud and too opinionated. It just, she means so much to me. Her and Max’s relationship as well. Because in some convoluted way I am lovable cause they exist.

Like, it’s so hard to express it. But I’m finally in a place where I’m living my life instead of being a passenger in my body. Finally made it to a place where I’m at peace with who I am and what I want. And am actively building towards that, with my recent admission into a new college for my new major. For a career I want (not the one I was told I wanted). With my chosen family around me and knowing who I am for the first time ever.

The third time RNM saved me occurred during the second time, but in a very different way. It saved me through the fandom, the people who spent time reading what I created and commenting and engaging with me. (It was a big part in my realization I wanted to go into the arts not the sciences). But mostly it helped me learn how to engage with people on a social level on my time. And to anyone who’s taken the time to read this, that includes you. All of the people in the fandom space have been so lovely and welcoming and kind. And have by proxy of sharing their own content and engaging with mine, helped me smile a little more through some difficult times. Helped me fully come to terms with my own identity. So thank you all for making this show and it’s content impossibly more meaningful.

So though the show won’t be airing anymore, know my love for it will always exist. And for the fact someone in a room somewhere let these characters and their stories exist in my screen, I am forever grateful (even when I’m being salty about the show, I never will regret it). And as always the mandatory I will be here churning out Echo content till I die <3