#and my insurance card is two months old

[dinosaurcharcuterie]

I am pretty sure I'm not trans. Like, I check every few months, usually around the time a doctor gets weird about my genes. I do, however, also regularly consider removing the gender marker from my ID, even though it would seriously limit my ability to travel unhindered.

I am a woman. I like being a woman. Most of the times in my life I thought I hated my gender were related to fashion, but it turns out sewing machines can be laughably cheap and no one can force you to wear dusty pink to your cousin's wedding once you make your own money.

I just detest that a little letter on a little chip on a little card carries so many exhausting expectations. And changing it to "the" other one would only replace those expectations with the same thing in a slightly different color.

So once or twice a month, I play with the idea of just erasing it and making where I fit in statistics and what room I should pick a cubicle in to change into swimwear in and what random ass word should precede my name someone else's problem. Let the people who care figure it out, because I'm quite honestly exhausted with it all.

It would almost be worth the pain of getting all my ID updated. Almost.

[mossygrovenearthebrook]

Rant in tags

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

this shit is so fucking painful dude this was the copay for THREE medications. i take over a dozen different prescriptions!!

and just these three alone have cost like 5% of my way-below-the-poverty-line monthly income!! my insurance's catastrophic coverage phase can't kick in fast enough 😭

anyways i'm also over $100 in debt for groceries and if I pay that back I will only have about $50 left to last me the next two and a half weeks.

next week i have a doctor appointment that will cost about $40 to get to and from in ubers. i also still have more meds I need to buy this month. And, like, eat and buy shampoo.

sooooo i'm pretty stressed out about money rn!! 😅

if any financially secure adults wanna help a physically disabled person meet even one small need—

i have a food and necessities wishIist (that also includes visa and other cards (including uber!!) for stuff that isn’t available on amazon/is cheaper elsewhere) a walmart card to help w groceries would also make a huge difference!! they can be sent anonymously (or not) and start at $5. my email address is thatdiabolicalfeminist @ gmail.com if anyone wants to send an e card for Uber or walmart or anything else!! (no paypaI there tho please, that's an old paypaI account and i can't get into it to refund u!!)

I am so so sorry to have to ask when so many others are also in need and i've received so much kindness already in the past. i tried really hard not to have to do this :(

but the math is not mathing and any help at all would make a massive difference to my life! 🥺

[kingshovelbug]

Hii what is your best advice to younger adults trying to make it independently and make a living? In art, savings or anything you think of. Thank you in advance!

dont be too hard on yourself. its tough out there right now in regards to like everything regardless of what old people say. also this is going to be a lot so im slapping a read more on here

⭐️ first thing id recommend for anyone is to start figuring out a budget. figure out how much youre making monthly. keep all your food receipts for a month or two to see what youre spending on food. find out what youre paying for thats necessary like utilities and whats not

the goal for a budget (or at least mine) is to find a good balance of earning vs spending. im paying off my credit card right now because i ran through all my savings after we had to move last year but my goal used to be to save 1/4 of what i earned after bills and putting money into an emergency fund (usually an emergency fund is 3 months worth of expenses). but it depends on how much you can comfortably put away. if you can put more away do it. but if you never spend money and deprive yourself of joy youre going to burn yourself out regardless of what your job is

⭐️ if youre not already buy store brand for as much shit as you can. if its an ingredient i promise as someone who cooks and bakes you probably wont notice the difference. if its an actual snack it depends. again both from a money perspective and to boycott pro-isreal companies we get a lot of snacks from aldis and theyre awesome. i dont miss anything from mars, oreos etc when i have my chocolate coconut wafers

⭐️ if you have any subscriptions and you need to get rid of something you can probably cancel them. for *most* things theres some kind of free alternative. but again just like with a budget. there are going to be some subscriptions that make your life easier and while youd save money without them it would lead to extra work and burning out. ex willow has kofi gold because it has really cool extra features that help with running the shop. but for streaming services? im going to be so honest. both to save money and with how cheeky streaming companies (in a bad way) have been getting… you can find whatever you want to watch online for free

if you need to use anything from the microsoft office suite, but youre not required by youre job to specifically use microsoft, libreoffice is a free alternative that i actually like better. its what i use to help willow run their shop and its free

for art programs. if you still have photoshop switch. not just for money reasons. adobe is getting bold with what they can claim as their content and use from what people produce in their program. the switch isnt the easiest but there are a bunch of alternatives. some free some like csp offer one time licenses which are so much better than subscriptions. will has spent almost $2k on photoshop and after effects from using it as long as they have. when csp is $50 and they like csp better anyways. i also know of krita and fire alpaca which are free

⭐️ also theres stuff about being an adult that i thought you had to pay for but you dont? like for car insurance i went through an independent insurance agent and they found me a cheaper plan than i could find myself. i didnt pay the guy. they get a cut from the insurance company for finding them another customer. some banks or credit cards offer financial advising sessions to users. its boring but if you can get a copy of your health insurance see if they have any free shit on there thats available for you. my brother gets free doctor finding? like i can call them, tell them what specialist he needs and instead of me calling around to find one that can take him, they connect me with someone. my work offers 3 free therapy sessions (better than nothing) and free food that i take advantage of

⭐️ i think one of the biggest things that makes an impact for us is researching before buying stuff. sounds like a no brainer but you dont just want to find the cheapest deal. you want to find the best bargain, the best bang for your buck. whats the best quality thing you can get that you can also afford? itll prevent your from having to replace stuff all the time and by extension spending more than you need to. we have nonstick pots and pans that are scratched and starting to peel (which apparently can cause cancer??) that were cheap because of being on sale. now after looking into what makes quality cookware i know i should of just slowly bought stainless steel

⭐️ last big one. credit cards. unfortunately we need them so find one with a low apr and that offers decent cash back. use it up to like 20% of your limit and pay it off every month. focus on using it on things that will get you cash back so you can essentially get free money

im sure i could ramble more but this is already super long

[anarchywoofwoof]

it's been a while since i've done a particularly egregious ACAB post, so i guess it's about time. trigger warning for racist violence, death and police brutality.

on March 14th, 2023, in Hinds County, Mississippi - the most populous county in the State of Mississippi, an area i used to dispatch tow trucks to for a roadside emergency service company and know well - Bettersten Wade reported Dexter Wade, her 37-year-old son missing.

what Dexter's mother did not know at the time and would not know until an unacceptable and heart wrenching 172 days later is that 9 days prior, on March 5th, 2023, Dexter had been killed less than an hour after he’d left home, struck by a Jackson, Mississippi police vehicle as he attempted to cross a nearby interstate highway.

police knew Dexter's name, and Bettersten's, but did not contact her and the body went unclaimed for months in the county morgue.

the following October, she was directed to the Hinds County penal farm to meet a Sherriff's Deputy, who lead them into fucking woods, where her son was buried in a grave simply marked with the number "672"

now, after the police neglectfully took this man's life, failed to inform his family, and attempted to cover it up... it turns out that his wallet with his home address, a credit card and a health insurance card was in the front pocket of his jeans at the time of his death.

this is after the Hinds County coroner's office reported that they did not find identification on Dexter Wade's body, but found his name on a bottle of prescription pills that they used to ID him several days later. undoubtedly, this was to provide police ample time to cover up their tracks.

the Mayor of Jackon, MS, Chokwe Antar Lumumba (a self-described Progressive, Socialist and "political revolutionary") said last month that Wade was "without ID" and that police were unable to identify him.

this is about to get, somehow, more fucked up.

in addition to the disrespect shown already to Dexter Wade, his family and his memory, officials from the State of Mississippi exhumed his body on Monday without his family in attendance.

On Monday, authorities exhumed Wade's body following calls for an independent autopsy and funeral. But his family said officials failed to honor the agreed-upon time approved by a county attorney for exhuming the body. “Now, I ask, can I exhume my child and try to get some peace and try to get a state of mind,” Bettersten said. “Now y’all take that from me. I couldn’t even see him come out of the ground.” Civil rights and personal injury attorney Ben Crump told USA TODAY Wade's mother was notified last week by the attorney for the Hinds County Board the exhumation would be at 11:30 a.m. Monday. The family, along with their attorneys, members of the media and community advocates had planned to attend, but Crump said Wade’s body was exhumed at 8 a.m., hours before the scheduled time and without notice. “There is no excuse for the way this case has been handled. Every time Ms. Wade takes a step toward getting answers as to what happened to her son, Jackson officials bring her two steps back,” Crump said.

this is a heavy post. but as usual, the point here is: the institutions we currently in place throughout this country are corrupt, soulless and have no respect for you in life or death. the state and the police are corrupt and will kill you - intentionally or unintentionally - and then bury the evidence as deep as they possibly can. and the slime will insulate them from within. it's unacceptable. it cannot be reformed.

[clandestone]

[ florence pugh, cisfemale, she/her ] — whoa! LOUISE DELANEY just stole my cab! not cool, but maybe they needed it more. they have lived in the city for 9 YEARS, working as an ARCHIVIST. that can’t be easy, especially at only 27 YEARS OLD. some people say they can be a little bit GUARDED and CYNICAL, but i know them to be WITTY and LOYAL. whatever. i guess i’ll catch the next cab. hope they like the ride back to THE BRONX! 

the basics

Name: louise delaney Aliases: louie, delaney Borough: the bronx Gender/Pronouns: cisfemale, she/her Sexual/Romantic Orientation: bisexual/biromantic Age: 27 Occupation: archivist at the new york historical society Faceclaim: florence pugh Marital Status: single Pets: a black cat named king arthur, adopted from the local human society

aesthetics

Inspiration: henry detamble (time traveler’s wife), marianne sheridan (normal people), princess fiona (shrek), dana scully (the x-files), wanda (the mcu), bella swan (twilight), belle (beauty and the beast), louise (arrival) Animal: mourning dove Tarot Card: the chariot Zodiac: gemini Element: air Song: Revolution 0 - boygenius 

the essentials: Louise is a workaholic, but she’s working on it. It’s hard for her to let people in, and it isn’t uncommon for her to keep even her closest friends at arms length. Her guarded nature can come across as a bit bitchy, but it's not her intention, and once you get to know her, she’s really quite soft. When she’s not working, you can find her swimming laps at the local gym, taking herself on dates to new cafes, or sitting in the corner of a smokey jazz bar, sipping on whiskey.

backstory: parent death tw Much of Louise’s adult life has been spent reconciling the dreamy, sun-dappled memories of her childhood with the chaos and instability of her adolescence, and trying to find some peace in a life that exists between the two. The way her childhood ended wasn’t anyone’s fault, and there wasn't anything anyone could do to make it any easier, it was just an inevitable part of her story.  Her life began in the simplest, All-American, suburban way. Hot dogs and ice cream on the Fourth of July, soccer practice after school, riding bikes with her friends on her quiet street until the streetlights turned on. Her father was an artist, and the studio in his garage was always brimming with music and whatever painting, sculpture, or pottery work he’d dreamed up. Her mother was a high-level executive in Boston, and while her work demanded long hours and short stints away from home, the love for her daughter was so overwhelming that it bridged the absence. It was a simple childhood, devoid of strain or worry and marked only by the love surrounding her.  A tragic accident took her mother away, flinging Louise and her father into the unknown. No longer able to afford their comfortable life in the suburbs without her mother’s hefty income, the two moved to a small, shoebox apartment in a small town. They survived for a time on the life insurance money, but when it ran out, they began to struggle. Her father was a stubborn man, unwilling to accept that his lifestyle as an artist was entirely dependent on his late wife’s income, and he made a living selling what little art he could and painting houses.  Louise struggled with the move and the loss of her mother. Her father was eclectic and misunderstood by the community, and many of the kids at her new school were warned by their parents to keep a wide berth from the Delaneys. After a few months, she managed to make a few close friends, but all she wanted to do was keep her head down until she could go out on her own.  She was studious and intelligent, and when the time came to graduate, she was top of her class. With her academic record, some local scholarships, loans, and the small pile of money her mother had begun to put away for her education, she was able to leave her small town and attend Columbia University. New York was a new beginning, and god did it feel good. She excelled, made a small, but close circle of friends, and fully came into her own. After she graduated, she took a scholarship for an MA in public history and archival studies at NYU, and eventually took a job at the New York Historical Society as an archivist.  For the last three years, Louise has kept her head down and worked incredibly hard, taking any and all opportunities. Her dreams are big, and she has high hopes for her future. Communication with her father is strained, and while she worries about him and occasionally sends him money, she can’t bring herself to return home for a visit. Her past is a touchy subject, and few people are welcomed into that part of her history.  Louise was recently promoted and has begun to look at other factions of her life. While she was busy in the archives, she began to neglect parts of her life that were previously important to her. Her friendships were weak, and she had absolutely no love life to speak of. The dust had begun to settle on the hobbies she once loved, and even it felt like the dust had started to settle on her. Louise is trying to start again, and make a life that feels whole, balanced, and happy. 

[dollsonmain]

After me saying "Been crunching numbers, looking at rent, looking at mortgages, looking at our current monthly expenses and I'd need to earn about $24/hr full time just to be able to afford to pay rent/mortgage, bills, owning a car, and food with nothing left. NO BODY'S PAYING THAT MUCH." on facebook, one of my old high school friends tried to encourage me by saying that I'd qualify for programs like SNAP and might qualify for Section8 housing and if I'm earning $15/hr and work 40 hrs a week no, I wouldn't.

In my state:

LIHTC cutoff is $14k/year

SNAP is $19,578

Section 8 housing cutoff is $29,150 for one person and $33,300 for two, and we'd have 2 adults being myself and my son. I don't know if Son will be able to work since he does have some trouble with being interrupted or being told to do something he doesn't want to do, but a the same time I don't know if he'll qualify for disability due to autism because he's low support needs. The single apartment complex that accepts Section 8 is for elders and full, anyway.

Despite being too much to qualify for assistance, it's still not enough to survive on because our current expenses wouldn't change much considering That Guy doesn't eat at home mostly (he barely eats at all, really) so the grocery bill is mostly Son and me, and has no creative hobbies that cost money outside of the occasional pricey LEGO set and a $60 video game lasts him a few months so I picked an average for the credit card bill:

Mortgage: $2000/mo (1 bedroom apartment rent averages $1500/mo while the least expensive house on the market right now says to expect to pay $2k)

Water: $60

Power: $130

Internet: $90

Phone: $170

Propane: $280

He pays for everything like car-gas, groceries, toiletries, all my pony salon supplies, etc. on his credit card and that averages $1700/mo.

Our car is paid off so we don't have car payments but I would have car payments. No idea how much that would be.

That doesn't include the auto insurance because he pays that direct-pay with the bank, which is $78/mo for 3 drivers on a single sedan.

$54,096/year. He does NOT pay for my dolls other than the occasional cheap playline doll.

What of that could we do without?

We don't go on day trips, go on vacation, buy new clothes when our clothes wear out and if we do it's thrifted or from the discount store (like Goodwill, TJMaxx, Marshall's, or Gabe's), don't go to the salon or barber, eat Taco Bell once a week for $25 and rarely go anywhere else, I don't get my nails done, do them myself, or wear makeup which is a huge expense, don't buy expensive electronics or home theater equipment, don't buy home decor, don't pay for repairs, have low-end cheap computers, wait for our phones to no longer be supported before upgrading, wait for ANYTHING to break before replacing it...

[foster-the-world]

Hard

Things have been hard with baby boy. Three weeks ago he had a really bad week at school (3K) - after doing well all year. Amongst other really unregulated behaviors he scratched his friend - twice. One time at pickup and one time at daycare. The kids Dad called and screamed at me. All I could do was apologize over and over while he yelled at me. Baby boy plays rough but is not normally aggressive. Over a year ago (at 2.5) he bit his friend one time. We made a big deal out of it and he never did it again.

We pulled him out of school short term to figure out a plan. Also not sending him to daycare anymore. The boys parent said he could not go if baby boy was there. Daycare said they would not kick him out (we are close with them after many years) but we didn't want the boy to suffer when he was the one who got hurt. We will get after school care for the rest of the year. At this point its only two more months.

No idea why he was out of whack. Maybe daylight savings time but he was still sleeping a lot??? My Mom flew in to help - Thank God. He's an angel for her and she's a baby/kid whisperer. I had a really hard time with it - random crying. Spiraling with future worries in a really unhelpful way. I'm not generally much of a crier but I also went out of whack. I suspect there was some residual bad/helpless feelings left over from foster care mixed in there.

He seemed to understand scratching his friend was bad. He asked if he could write an I'm sorry card for his friend. His friend was over it within minutes. The Dad clearly was not.

Despite fighting all year for services this kicked my butt into further gear. Managed to get the SEIT (masters degree special ed teacher) that we've been pushing for all year. Ten hours a week one on one while in class. She seems good. I'm guessing she's a recent graduate - but that's fine. Right now we've only been sending him for the two hours she is with him. Next week we will add in another two hours. Then a full day. He's very happy at home with my Mom. She's staying for a month.

Keeping him home has all been our choice. His teacher never wanted him out of class. I just didn't want to risk him doing it again when we didn't know why he was acting like that. He's normally wild but not like this. At the time it felt like keeping him home was keeping him safe. Since going back he's been behaving fine at school. So fingers cross it was just a bad week. This all happened to coincide with his second development pediatrician appointment where he got a official ADHD diagnosis. Also coincided with the response to our special ed due process hearing. We won. We can now pay an enhanced rate to find providers and got over 100 hours of back pay hours. With his ADHD diagnosis came a recommendation for parent training. Got lucky and found someone who seems solid. Starting Monday night. Its virtual and after the kids are in bed. I'm excited for that. It gives me hope there is a "right" way to help him. Of course, its not covered by insurance even though its the recommended treatment for kids under six. Put him in a social skills class- also not covered by insurance (=blah). I don't think it will help but figure he may enjoy it. I believe (and research shows) kids this young can't learn how to act when they are upset at a time they are not upset. But also believe it can't hurt. At this point we are trying all of the things. He finally has OT, PT and speech - all outside of school hours but that's okay. As I suspected the speech person said she has not noticed any problems. We will probably stop that soon enough. His dev ped said we can medicate. She says research shows it helps but also higher chance of side effects when it starts at a young age. I'm very pro medication but not interested in starting until he is old enough to properly verbalize how the they make him feel. If he always acted how he was during his bad week that would be a different story. Right now meds aren't worth the risk.

Thinking we will put him in a integrated class next year. I was hesitant but this experience made me change my mind. We are touring two schools in May. One said they'd probably have a summer spot. They will bus him - which I heard is terrible and unreliable but will see how it goes.

I love him so much. I want a crystal ball that tells me how to help him. Anyone have one of those?

[palmkatzchen]

Help Ilya stabilize after getting their bank account terminated

I went into debt moving out of my narcissistic mom's place years ago and worked myself into burnout trying to repay it. I've been on sick leave for over a year now and my bank has decided to terminate my account, because the irregular payments from my health insurance made it impossible for me to repay the installments at the right date. I always did, just a few days later.

Now I'm kind of stuck between bank accounts, have no access to my old one (where my sick leave payment is currently 'held hostage') and a new one that will take at least a week from now to set up.

Because my debit card recently got lost, and the letter from my bank that was supposed to give me a two months notice never turned up at my place, I kept using my digital card, which now ended me up in 245,97€ PayPal debt. 

I've been thinking of asking for support for a while now but never felt justified to do so, but I'm in too tight of a spot to not do so anymore.

In return, if you include your social media handle in the message, I'd like to contact you for offering you a sketch in return. I've been struggling with art block, and getting some requests of any shape or form might help me, too. (That also counts for those who can't or don't want to give right now. Just shoot me a message!)

I will reblog this with some sketches, too

I’m collecting 250 € until 10/23/2024. Can you help?

[rabidrabbit1975]

I need help

Hey everyone, I would like to make a request of you. I created a spotfund account to try and raise some money to finish remodeling my house. I wrote part of my story on the page, but here is more of the story.

I'm having financial troubles, (who isn't right?), but I thought if I put my story out here, folks would read it and hopefully donate to my cause. I'll tell you about my life from about six years ago to now so you'll have an idea of what happened.

I was happily married, had a nice home, had a good job, you know, the American dream. Then my now ex-wife and I had marital problems and we decided to separate to see if that would help. Things only began to slide downhill from there, losing the extra income put me in a bind and I ended up selling my house to get out of the mortgage, which was behind. I didn't even break even on selling it. I moved into my ex's grandparents home, they had both passed on and the house was empty so my ex's dad said I could move into it. While living there, I tried hard to get my ex to work it out and try to reconcile, but it wasn't meant to be. On August 30th, 2018, I suffered a pulmonary embolism that nearly ended my life. I spent a few days in intensive care, then was released to go home. I spent the next two months at my folks' home, then was released to return to work. After two months, I was fired from my job after fifteen years there, (talk about a kick in the groin). I tried to find a new job, but things continued their downhill slide. My ex informed me that she had filed for divorce, then informed me that I was required to move out of the house, okay, no problem. I moved back in with my folks as I couldn't afford to live on my own. My folks' neighbor had allowed me to use her father in law's house as storage after he passed away. I was able to secure a job, then my neighbor offered to sell me the house. I turned in part of an i.r.a. account to purchase the house, this created a tax penalty because I'm not 59 and a half yet. I had some existing debts from before, then used a credit card like a madman, knowing it would be hard to repay if I didn't slow down using it. Fast forward to now, I'm still paying the credit card debt, the tax penalty, a car payment, (my old truck gave out on me), medical bills, insurance, etc. I would like to invite you to check out my spotfund page and hopefully make a donation, then pass it on to your friends and they hopefully donate, then pass it on, etc. Any amount, (no matter how small), you choose to donate will be greatly appreciated and will go toward reducing my debts so I can finish remodeling my home. For what it's worth, my dad will appreciate it also, he will be staying with me some, he is a veteran of the US Army and I love and respect him so much.

Here is the link to the spotfund page: http://spot.fund/thd7nsc

Again, thank you in advance and many blessings to you!

[regular-lord-reckoner]

it is spring time and appropriately, i have been a very busy bee !!

i'm on much needed pto and it is wonderful. i somehow managed to get completely caught up on all my work before i left so i'm not stressed about when i go back next week

i've mostly been sleeping a lot which i desperately needed and i've been doing a lot of things i've meant to for a while now

namely scheduling doctors appointments and updating my insurance everywhere i need to and that sort of shit, plus some legal stuff my mom and i are doing for some of my dad's stuff.

since monday i also started finally working on my closet again. i had to stop last time and toss everything back in there because...yeah, but now that i can spread some things out again i've made a lot of progress so far

every day i go in with the goal of getting out at least one bag of stuff to throw away and i've also moved out a bunch of clothes i'll need to sort through and a few other things i might be able to give away

feel like i can actually breathe in there again so that's nice. needed that. i'll probably work on it some more over the next two days and then take a break but it should be a lot easier now that i've really gotten the ball rolling to finish it up and fingers fucking crossed this time it'll be all done by the fall where it can just be my nice closet again and i can actually find things !!

i also finally went to get my oil changed today and fortunately there were no other problems so that went smoothly !! i got it washed, too (not that it matters now because it's pouring rain outside now lol) and i stopped to get my mom a birthday card and a gift bag for her present since her birthday is on monday !!

other than all of that i'm just trying to take it easy and unwind. trying to still rest a lot and not push myself too hard or do anything i don't feel up to.

for the past, mmm, i dunno, while i've just been full of piss and vinegar if that wasn't evident so i've tried to just be real quiet and keep to myself until i can feel less overwhelmed.

i'm still in that time out corner for now but i'm starting to feel a lot better so that's something! i've been doing a lot of cleaning lately as well (i did my bathroom on monday and will be doing laundry all throughout the week as week as well as the usual dishes and garbage duty) so that usually helps me feel a bit better.

it's also very cathartic just...throwing a bunch of shit away !! and having more space !! yay !!

oh, i also finally had therapy again after like...a month and i'm not sure yet what my new insurance situation will look like, but i think we're all happy to be done with my old insurance (she was telling me about something weird they did that i just...cannot fathom (something about mailing her a paper credit card that no one would accept ?? idk), but oh well, good riddance !!) and i'm slowly but surely working on paying her back !!

lastly, i tried a new coffee place today because i'm still trying to figure out which local coffee spot will be my new favorite now that i no longer haunt starbucks or dunkin and i went to this new one today and i....i definitely ordered a chai...a 32 oz one at that because why not, i love chai.... whatever they gave me definitely was not chai.

i'm not sure what it is exactly, but it's definitely got coffee in it and i thought at first maybe it was a dirty chai but no. and it's no big deal, i took it and just drove on but what's baffling to me is i was the only customer at that time.

nobody in front of me, no one behind me and maybe they were doing a mobile order or something but i had to sit there for a few minutes while they made it and it was...not at all what i was expecting, but also not bad !! haven't had an iced coffee in a minute so i'll take it !! (they also put a little chocolate covered espresso bean on the top which was very good)

anyway, i thought that was kinda funny. i've also finished all my chores and errands for the day now so i might take a nap or i might read or who knows what i might do, i actually have time to myself !!!!

just wanted to give a little update since for once it isn't me just bitchin' about things XD

hope if you're reading this that you're doing well and i'll be back to being a human (or as close to it as i get) ....sometime !! <3

[malcolm-reeds-pineapple]

It’s a new year! Here are some tips from a shithead adult for times of financial insecurity

Don’t do car loans. Save up and buy a beater in full

Be up front with your mechanic about your financial situation. Also on this point never go to a dealership for your mechanic needs. Go to some guy named Jerry who’s old enough to be your Grampa who’s certified to do state/provincial safeties. Those guys will know people for body work/glass work as well and usually have used tires laying around they can sell you for cheap

If you’ve got a bill that’s a little higher than you expected you’re gonna do two things. First thing you’re gonna do is go out and get a second job. Call centres are great for this because most of the time you’ve got a month of 9-5 above minimum wage paid training. Find out when your first sustantial pay from that job is gonna be and call whichever entity you owe money. Tell them to expect a payment the week after that substantial pay. This gives you time in case your payroll gets fucked up. Pay the bill as soon as you get the money on your account and then hand in your resignation for the job you took. It’s a labour shortage right now and you can take advantage of that.

Have a second bank account that’s bare bones. Most banks have a no-fee option that just houses money and comes with around 15 free transactions a month. Do not have any payments come out of this account. This is going to be your oopsie account if your other account gets overdrawn by a bill you forgot about. Put any amount you can afford to spare into this account every pay. This is a break in case of emergency fund for gas/food/meds that your hope should always be to never use. This is also good if you ever need to borrow money when you’re really up shit’s creek. The last thing you want is for the money you’ve been sent for survival to be sucked up by the void of an overdrawn bank account. This would be the time where I tell you that if you have auto deposit on for your etransfer you need to turn that shit off.

Put all bill payments on your phone calendar and have alerts the week before they come out and the day before they come out. Have the amount in the title of the event as well rounded up.

If you have a car, put 100 bucks away per month in a piggy bank or something. This way your safety for your car or any sort of vehicular issues will be less financially debilitating.

Pirate media/have a way of playing physical media. You can get DVDs at the thrift for pretty cheap and subscription services are fucking extortionate.

If you have any power over your work schedule at all, take a business day to be part of your weekend. I used to say that I worked at “my other job” on Mondays and Tuesdays so I could have those days off reliably. This is good for getting your unpleasant yet mandatory tasks done. Things like calling any sort of government offices, going to the doctor, the bank, etc. this will make planning those things a hell of a lot easier. Make sure to assert that you cannot work those days at all via something entirely made up but also important sounding (ie having another job, taking a made up relative to appointments)

Pick a bill that can be the first to go in financially insecure times. This is something that you can live without and won’t have a ton of fees and interest tacked on if you’re late. For me, mine is my phone bill. I can comfortably live without my phone and the late fees are usually manageable. On the other side of the coin, I cannot live without paying my car insurance as I need my car to get to work and a fine for driving without insurance is hefty and avoidable.

Find out where you get discounts based on your work, your insurance, your bank, that kind of thing. I know that at Shell stations in Canada you can use your CAA card to get money off per litre. Other things would be points cards. Again, in Canada your PC Optimum points (Grocery Baron In-Game Currency) can majorly add up over time and can make a huge difference in eating or not eating sometimes.

Keep in contact with your professional references. If you’re not in contact with professional references, have a couple friends you trust to be those professional references. Text them before you give their numbers away explaining what their position was and what company they worked for with you. If they ask you for references, chances are you’ve got the job anyway, the references are just a formality 9 times outta 10.

Avoid monetizing your hobbies. This will make that hobby a job and not a hobby and can end up making something you enjoy doing to unwind a burden.

On your resume, you’re only going to have jobs you left on good terms. Burn all the bridges you want, just don’t leave a paper trail. I’ve left jobs by simply disappearing to another province without so much as a text. The last thing you want is the hiring manager to call the place that presumed you dead asking about you. I don’t care if you learned valuable skills there, don’t put it on your resume if you left in a negative way.

Have reloadable gift cards to keep you accountable to budgets. As an example I’ll put 20$ on my Tim’s card per pay so my monkey brain has a fucking limit. I do the same for gas because I like driving around and listening to music but if I’ve only got 100$ per pay for gas, I will likely not speed run my carbon footprint like that.

It’s fucking rough out there dog this is just what I’ve been doing to try and keep myself sane. Feel free to add other things on cuz like fuck dude I’m open to suggestions

[supernoondles]

2024

In my haste of class planning and making the most of my time in the bay, as I moved to LA for work in December of 2023, I completely forgot to write my year in review. So now I tell that it was a great year!

It was a year of milestones: I finally finished my PhD and graduated over the summer, spent the fall funemployed and traveling, and the last month moving and preparing for what, at least right now, seems to be my dream job. Yet when things are too good, I harbor a greater fear it could all come falling down.

I write this sitting on a plane from SFO to LAX (wretched airport) because 1) it was conveniently timed with my brother and his fiance (!)’s flight back to the Netherlands, and 2) I had airline credit from when I got COVID and could not make my friend’s wedding in Florida. In 2023 I got a PhD, my brother got a bachelor’s, and I got COVID from my mom when we went to Boston for said brother’s graduation. Last night (which isn't technically 2023, but 2024 starts, for me, when my health insurance card finally arrives in the mail and I get in a classroom with students) I hung out with my friends, who largely live in San Francisco, in the endless Asian strip malls of Union City. “When you get to the suburbs, SF and LA aren't so different,” said a friend. This has helped quell my anxiety about the move: that driving 30 minutes to neon plazas of Rowland Heights was semantically and experientially the same as the imitation mission plazas of the East/South Bay. (Since starting to read City of Quartz, again part of my migration south, I have thought: how funny that the lasting impact of the Spaniards, besides white supremacy, is their architecture. How funny it is that Asian immigrants now occupy these sites of worship.) This year, despite being filled with drama and (claimed) abandonment and reconciliation (or not despite, perhaps because of?) was the year of my mostly queer, entirely Asian diaspora friend group. In LA I believe I will have everything I need except for them (so although I'm scouting, I know what a rarity and a privilege I've had).

To put my move in perspective, I haven't changed geographic regions since I started college. Leaving high school was exciting (I couldn't wait) and for the last decade of my life I've had solid friends and community, as well as my family nearby. Sure, it's just the other major metropolitan area in the same state, but the distance is non trivial! For the first time in my adult life I don't have a reserve of people who are willing to hang out on a moment’s notice. For the first time in my adult life I am also living alone. I have loved the control (especially around having a clean house), but I get lonely very easily.

This year my Canadian partner left the PhD program and moved far away (back to Canada) to my immediate and eminent grief. I'm better now: daily calls help, as does begging for attention, as does turning an old friend into a lover. Japan was a sex vacation. Banff was a sex vacation. Oahu (where my lover’s aunt lives) was a sex vacation. 2023 was the year of having really good sex: public sex in a Petaluma park, sex in a ryokan with paper thin walls, hookups of varying but generally positive quality. As a consequence of my partner leaving, I finally became a real slut. It's been liberating, except for the fact that, even as of writing, I never heard back about my Medicare application so I was fucking uninsured. Out of the many indulgent days of unemployment vacation, two instances have stuck with me: hiking 12 miles while it was snowing in Banff to two teahouses nestled amongst glaciers, and landing at LAX after a sleepless flight from Japan, with a grueling 7 hour drive back to the bay ahead of us.

As I knew I would be leaving the bay area in 2022 (do you sign a year before you start in any industry besides than academia?), in 2023 I whittled away at my bay area bucket list. While I never managed to get up Sutro Tower, I did go to the Fallorons, which, despite my throwing up twice, was everything a birder could have wanted. (I took two boat rides this year, the other at Cape Cod when my brother begged for us to vacate his suffocating studio, and in that one I saw a great white shark attack. How lucky I am!) As usual, I went to many shows. New this year were shows my friends performed in! The past winter had the most rain I’d ever seen in the bay area, so I did a lot of hiking amongst the luscious green east bay hills, which stayed green until May. This made me also really happy, but I don't want my relationship to the bay area (like it is for so many people I know who have moved) to be one defined by lack.

One thing I will not miss, however, is West SF’s fog. This summer, as well as the ending of Daylight Savings time, particularly pushed me to my limits. As I get older my need for two daily hours of direct sunlight exposure grows more dire. The other lowlights of the year were having to replace my phone screen twice, and, after a decade in the bay, finally having my car broken into. I found it ironic that it was not because of petty theft (I also never leave anything in my car), but a TikTok trend encouraging teens to steal Kias and Hyundais. At least they failed with me!

In 2023 I organized a really big (600 people) party for a conference. I wrote a paper with my friends about power dynamics for the same conference (which usually only talks about “technical” things) which was also the last chapter in my thesis. Thanks, advisor, for believing in me. As the party was on Halloween, I hosted a costume contest. The winner for scariest costume was my labmate who put a photo of our advisor (my other one) on a programmable LED screen strapped to his chest.

In 2023 I also started getting paid an hourly wage that made me happy looking at the number doing contract work with an old undergraduate mentor. Beyond this, and the volunteer labor, and the paper/thesis writing, I did not do much of “working” this year: also part of the reason why this year has been awesome.

Thanks to an Asians with dyed hair and pronouns art accountability club, in 2023 I made more art than I had in past years. I did gouachetober and the occasional digital illustration. I did not, however, accomplish what I sought to do during my unemployment: dedicate myself to being a full time artist and making something great. (In retrospect, rest, recuperation, and being excited for my job instead of burnt out from my PhD was the more important goal, and I definitely achieved that!) I feel like one’s relationship to their creative practice is a lifelong evolution (mine certainly is), and at least I had time to slow down and think about how I want that to shape out (the answer which is, more than it has been.) I didn't sew much of significance (a robe with black cat fabric I bought in Japan, a very hungry caterpillar Halloween costume, a Pokémon fanny pack) this year. It was, however, a great year for video games: I really enjoyed Tears of the Kingdom (timed well with my COVID recovery), Super Mario Wonder, Pikmin 4, and I wouldn't say I “enjoyed” it, but I did play the Scarlet Violet DLC. My brother started playing Pikmin Bloom (so I have been playing it more) and I also “play” Pokemon Sleep every night. The best thing I watched was Beef. I listened to a lot of Caroline Polachek.

At a zine making workshop at Sour Cherry I got a 4x6 photo print of a cat that says, Wow! I'm looking forward to the future! That's the energy I'm approaching this new year with (I'm going to hang it in my office for my students). I am looking forward to adopting cats. My only resolution is to work less than 40 hours a week. Recapping how I did with last year's resolutions, I 1) did not really exercise more consistently, but I did run more consistently, and did a 5K with my dad on Thanksgiving! (Middle school me would never imagine.) 2) am unclear if I developed a more methodological way to conduct literature reviews, because my thesis related work was mainly copy/pasted from my old papers, and 3) did very much enjoy my last year in the bay. Here's hoping I can find community, nature, and food (rip China Lounge, I love you so much) as good in LA.

[thistransient]

2022 retrospection to come later, tonight we complain about tonight. - I’m in one of those situations where I’m mildly annoyed that no one invited me for any sort of New Year’s event, which is almost certainly because they either know I had surgery, or know I hate crowds, or both, so I would have turned down any invitations anyways (and thus certainly didn’t take the initiative myself to invite anyone else to hang out) but that’s not the point, is it now. Maybe part of it is that I’m also being forced to reflect on the fact that my previous New Years in Taipei were both spent with my ex when we were friends, ugh. I am going to remedy all of this by taking my cranky ass for a walk soon, possibly involving a treat from 7-11, followed by coming home and getting very snuggly in bed and going to sleep at a reasonable hour.

- I also can’t be too upset today because I finally hassled my Australian bank into refunding a fraudulent transaction from April that I only noticed this month because I rarely use or check the account (yeah, technically my fault), but listen to this- I also contacted the vendor to bolster my evidence after the bank investigation initially ruled that I’d been aware of the transaction and I needed to escalate the dispute, and the vendor said they’d been contacted by the card issuer and forced to reimburse the funds back in April! It was also a purchase made in-person in the US, while I have been firmly situated in Taiwan and in possession of the card in question this whole time. The case manager for my dispute mentioned nothing of this aspect, and only reiterated that the bank was still ruling this my fault and giving a one-time refund. Something seems fishy here.

- I spent today doing all the homework I’ve been ignoring for the past two weeks. Oh, my brain. I’m worried going back to class is gonna put me back on the fast train to headache-land too. I’m only doing this for the residency permit at this point. Theoretically if I took one more semester (which I’d have to find a new school for, because mine is ending my level after this) I could finally get that student work permit I thought I could get at 6 months in, and health insurance too. However, I generally do not even have the energy to go back outside after getting home from class, much less work a part-time job. It would be much more effective to just get a proper job, which would also give me residency and health insurance (and a start on accumulating points for permanent residency application). I know I can do this, I just have to first convince myself I want to do it, which is a whole other can of worms. 

- On a positive note, my recovery is going incredibly well, so well in fact that I have to suspect my appeal at the angry ghost temple actually had something to do with it, and thus I should make haste and fulfill my end of the bargain, which partly involves sacrificing my long and luxurious rattail braid, chockers with many years of accumulated spiritual power I was saving for precisely this kind of thing, cause that’s clearly irresistible to spirits, right. (I really am attached to it, pun not intended- it has to be a meaningful sacrifice after all.) Perhaps a bit of ritual would be a fitting way to round off a year already quite full of casting off old fears, and other unexpected things.

[homingpigecns]

.

until last year i stayed friends with a grand total of One (1) friend i knew in high school and now. i have finally stopped talking to that friend. it is sooooo so nice to romanticize longevity and history and wow they have always been there but there's a point where it's like.

it is so embarrassing so i haven't talked about it because it's really like, fully pathetic, but i saw them the first time recently bc i hadn't seen any rl friends bc i had a years long slump where i just kind of took up space at home and i was embarrassed about it but i got my life together again last summer and i was like okay, i can respond to the question "how are you doing?" without breaking down into tears, and my friend did express interest in seeing me again and i really wanted to see them. so i saw them a while ago and i had fun and i was so happy and i was so grateful to still have this connection after all these years, after all the ways i've been and my colorful history, and i just. their birthday was about a month later and really extremely uncharacteristically of me i remembered, and i ordered them a weird little personal birthday tchotchke off etsy and got them a michaels gift card and hit them up like. happy birthday we should hang out soon on the day of and it was all very nice. i didn't expect something soon nor did i care too much. but a couple months ago when twitter was gonna implode i followed them on insta (even though i deleted my personal insta because i know personal instas only teach me things about people i don't want to know) and as a consequence of that i learned that my friend was not able to see me because i was not invited to their birthday thing. which was with a friend of theirs i kind of know and an old close friend from high school i lost touch with but asked about and sjdfhsdf. literally expressed interest in the time i just saw them.

DO YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THAT IS........JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT IT..........LIKE I AM A KICKED PUPPY. I AM 24.....I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE............I AM A UNION MEMBER........AND I GOT REALLY EXCITED ABOUT MY FRIENDS BIRTHDAY AND I WASN'T INVITED TO THE PARTY...........

and you know there are probably actual reasons. i burned bridges with people in high school that they liked more than me, and i am too mature to care about who likes more than whoever now, and it is too insane to hold things from high school against them now that i am 24 and have regular cardiologist appointments. but it is also like. how many times do i have to die. i have grown past so many things the last three years that i thought i could never overcome and i can't, i don't want to, grow into someone who is mature enough to hold someone who's been important to me since i was 14 at arms length so it doesn't hurt when they inevitably drop me. currently, i commute an hour in the wrong direction so i can be on the same train as a work friend and i am aware the energy is insane but it is my energy and giving it and getting good things from it is like. this is better for my personal development than whichever way the other direction goes.

and it's like i don't even blame my friend from high school for how they feel about me because i was insane in a bad way in high school and i've done enough it's like. whatever. but it's like, also, when it's like, yeah this was half of the two people who permanently messed you up to the point people still are like "hey i didn't see you there. come over and say hi next time" when i avoid them because they're talking to someone else, who watched your friend group make a group chat and hang out together with everyone except you and didn't say anything and you were grateful they still threw you the bone to hang out one on one and it's like. i'm not. i don't really hold it against them, it was years ago, i don't think about those people anymore and yes i am still weird in many ways but for other reasons as well, but there is like. a very huge lack of pattern recognition and failure to learn and it is absolutely. my fault. when you put it like oh the person who killed me a thousand times throughout high school and college still has the power to kill me now and sometimes will? VERY OBVIOUSLY I AM THE PROBLEM.......i can't play high school anymore i have to play Being At Work and Surviving Capitalism Despite Everything, Did You Know I Am 24

anyway i decided to just quietly softblock my friend on everything, unfriend on discord, remove myself from the situation when there wasn't really an inciting event so i could just kind of fade out. but i did just find out that my friend did notice, and blocked me on twitter without saying a word -- which you know, is fine and understandable, because i did do all of that first. but what a metaphor you know. that is what the years of friendship are, and that they have stacked up this much to still hurt me is my fault. but hopefully for the last time.

[thedosianexplorer]

Hagging Out - Veneration

This is a prose-only entry this month (click here for the adorable prequel image) and it is late because, well, *gestures at this human existence in 2022 America*. I haven’t shared my writing in some time but it is one of the many ways I venerate privately. Content mentions for US current events re: the Club Q/Pulse shootings, Supreme Court rulings, the general experience of being a queer American and former Catholic. Other relevant content mentions are in the tags below!

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Veneration used to mean a holy water font booked to the door, laminated prayer cards, statues of Mary that were given to the students who learned their catechism the fastest, the clack of rosary beads. Plastic, wood, metal, semiprecious stones. Clouds of incense wreathing our church calendar and our photo of Pope John Paul II. These things were in my childhood home to remind me that down the road was the church, and we had to show that we acted like we were in that church always. God, the Son, the Spirit, Mary, all the angels and saints, and the host of beloved dead. The Church Triumphant trumpeting loudly onto focus on every room. I made my first shrine this way, to Mary. Besides the obligatory Precious Moments crucifix nailed to my wall (yes, really, these exist), my shrines were to her, my prayers to her, and besides her, the saints, the Spirit, and the angels preoccupied me. I am proud to be an apostate of my old faith, but I was born on a Marian feast and she of any of them can find me still. Now she just has to share space.

My shrines are one of the first things you see walking into my home. They’re like comfortable seats for surprise visits from friends or older relatives. Veneration is still an act, but it no longer feels like a graded performance. This is my home and my temple. My gods know where to find me.

It is the first day of November and my partner is in the worst pain I have ever seen him in, which is saying something about a man for whom subluxations are a frequent enemy. Frigg finds me in the medicine cabinet pulling together the medications that can stand in for the stronger stuff in a pinch. Her light is a thrum across my shoulders as I call dentists, wrangle insurance, make sure there is enough food in the fridge. I often ask Her to help me find abundance and work with it. Patience yields a lead, an open appointment later in the week when every other clinic won't be open until March. The clinic opens doors with a referral, a consultation just five weeks away. The medications start to work. At Frigg’s altar (my kitchen) I mash up leftovers of beef stew and stir in dried basil I grew for Her.

Freyja has another cat for me and this one looks like he’s here to stay. I take care of the outdoor cats as a devotional act because She has kept mine safe. I’ve rehomed many strays over the years and gotten young ferals used to human company. Cryptid came to me just before Samhain two years ago, and this year the Sunday after Samhain my partner found a little black kitten curled against our porch. Within minutes, my partner decided. “His name is Zagreus.” It was the afternoon before the temperatures would drop below freezing at night, and he was barely weaned. His eyes were still blue and he clung to us immediately. I brought him up to Her shrine to say hello, and to ask for help getting him to the vet. As it happened, there was an opening at the same time I had to drop Cryptid off for surgery (this is an exceptionally rare occurrence at my vet). He is healthy, and the other cats have accepted him and taught him their catlore with a readiness that surprised us both veteran cat owners. He’s sleeping next to me now, and his eyes are turning a brilliant amber.

Cryptid’s surgery comes on a Wednesday, Odin’s day. I offer strong coffee for safe travels and our Lyft drivers are swift- they even wore masks! I am wrung-out with anxiety but of all my gods he understands that. Even though I ache through with stress and the toll of new kitten energy I feel cajoled to a Wednesday night walk, my usual ritual with him. I go, and go, and walk farther than I expected, and the old man smiles with a gift: a pristinely kept, solid wood and wrought iron coffee table the perfect height for my reading chair just… placed under a streetlight by the dumpster. He has left other gifts this way- a natural quartz point smoothed with years of rain, a solid copper candle-holder, and now this ideal replacement for the table that just broke. I whisper, “Odin give me strength” and somehow I can heft this heavy thing all the way home.

Macha is who I turn to when I am tired of running or being beholden to the whims of unjust rulers. She knows the burdens of both well. Until February (or longer), all of my student loans are forgiven now but a single Trump-appointed judge in Texas just decided to derail the already delayed day that forgiveness comes to pass. Now it’s up to the Supreme Court who have already decided to curtail my rights in other ways to decide. I didn’t have much to talk about with Her besides that coming right after the midterms, but I was glad to have Her shrine to stop at and catch my breath. 

The Transgender Day of Remembrance falls on a Sunday, Hel’s day in my home. Each year I write the names, light the candles, sing the death songs, and this year it comes early. The news from Colorado Springs finds me in 2022, about to sleep, and in 2016, in the memory of too-bright hotel sunlight. The way of the gods is not linear and neither is grief. In my bedroom my partner and I check on friends and pray. I remember the Sunday morning when the joyful frenzy of AnimeNext fell silent with 49 names from Pulse. Hel is there as I walk the convention floor and listen to a mother’s worry that she wants her teens to be safe wearing those flags with their costumes. I do not tell her that my family doesn’t know I’m queer, that this is the first time I have heard a mother want her children to be out and proud. I tell her something but the words are lost with the sight of her daughter watches the doors behind her friends’ backs and fidgeting with the flag draped over her shoulders. Hel guides me home, bone-white and corpse-blue, cloaked in late autumn fog. She is with me, cemetery silent, in the late hours of grief. For hours I weep for people I will never know. She is much larger than I, and shoulders the weight of what I cannot. I make crockpot applesauce spiked with red wine and honey to warm us both. 

Badb is never far. She found me first, before I knew Her by name. I can find Her in rage, in fear, in triumph. This month has brought it all in plenty. I offer pomegranate wine and angrily wrest my peace back from all that subdues it. She is with the part of me that is left when I think there are no more logs to toss on the fire, the choice in every ember to catch or snuff out entirely. She guides the discernment to see which is needed. 

Mórrígan shares war wisdom and cold comfort as I wait on hold with insurance to remind them that, yes, I do still need the medication I’ve been prescribed since birth and yes, that medication I have taken every day for the past twelve years too. I pour out the acid in the pit of my stomach and imagine it full of the chilly cave water that runs through Her fit abode. I drink my ice water and the panic attack passes. A crow flies overhead as I walk the several miles to the pharmacy. I spoke up and my medication is the cheapest it’s been in years. I honor Her with the victory.

Loki popped in the last Tuesday of November to tell us that if we didn’t take a fucking break we’d keel over. By which I mean, we found ourselves with a massive Postmates coupon, a rainy drizzle, toasty pajamas, our massive beanbag chair and five cats that want nothing more to hibernate with us. I usually bake with them but as tired as I am, I know he enjoyed the heaping portion of tiramisu and cannolis. Even though we only had a few free hours that night it felt like a whole day of rest.