#and normally I can accept my limitations without much difficulty

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! If you find any auctions, raffles, or anything like that fundraising for people affected by Helene that are taking donations, please let me know! I'm going to continue making baby quilts and baby blankets but my inability to go help physically is frustrating me more than usual, and I'd love to donate more if I can

[windcarvedlyre]

In the post I just reblogged I especially like the wording of

he's genuine when he calls the others his friends, but it's still second to seeing himself as their stepping stool for their hope

because I think that summarises Komaeda pretty well. I've been thinking about that for ages but struggled to fully iron out my thoughts. Here's my latest attempt to.

Komaeda can be (relatively) normal sometimes

It would be incorrect to say Komaeda never sees people as anything but their talents and/or is constantly subservient to them. He at least tries to socialise with other people as, well, people, not always making things about their talents, even if a lack of filter and difficulty empathising with people outside of things that can be logically inferred create problems for him anyway. On top of proactively pushing his views in conversations and trials he can still, say, tease Souda for Sonia's avoidance of him:

And in the prologue he pretty much threatens Hanamura over his predatory behaviour:

and later follows up on this by intervening when Hanamura tries his bullshit on Sonia again anyway. If he stuck to his ideology 100% of the time, acting more like he does as Servant in UDG, one could argue he could have stood back, avoided imposing his will on an Ultimate in any way and left Sonia to 'overcome' that 'hurdle' herself, but it seems like he has some limits.

Additionally, he's aware that he can weird people out, and in at least FTE 5 he links his ideology to that:

but despite his filter issues he still manages to hold back his more extreme views- plus most of the paranoia we see in Island Mode- throughout the prologue and most of chapter 1. Was he trying to make a good first impression? I've talked about his Shot Through The Heart event and its implications before; that fear of pushing people away by being weird could easily extend beyond Hinata. Either way, he has at least some ability to tone himself down and engage with people more normally- at least in the short term and if his mental state is relatively good. He seems more openly self-aware in the prologue and chapter 1 as well.

This is all before we even start to unpack DR2.5; I touch on the ideology aspect of it later, but it also establishes that he subconsciously has a more nuanced understanding of his classmates' relationships with talent and a desire to be friends with them on more equal footing.

However,

His ideology still overrides that a lot

One of the themes Kodaka claims to have written him with is "the fear of someone you can’t empathise with/someone that can’t empathise". While he can be more nuanced during low-stakes socialisation, whenever he's engaging with the killing game himself his complexes go into overdrive and seem to take precedent over any empathy or sympathy he has for others.

Positive outcomes and anyone he sees as having potential to bring them about get abstracted into 'hope'. Death and suffering get abstracted into 'despair'. He tunnel visions on the former 'outweighing' the latter because that's how the world works for him.

Those things aren't really quantifiable in practice, though. How can you weigh a horrifying kidnapping against winning a lottery when you're already rich? Or getting accepted into the institution you revere against developing terminal illnesses that could kill you before you even graduate? But that's how he sees things. Telling yourself that everything you're going through will be worth it might be the only way to live with his luck without crumbling. Relatedly, an ideology under which everyone's potential is predetermined and there's no point in striving for more:

might resonate an awful lot with someone whose life is more of a rollercoaster he feels strapped to than something he's ever steered. He's had a lot of extremely good and bad things happen to him that he's never really done anything to earn; all he can do is roll with the punches and hope he gets a chance to make his existence useful eventually.

DR2.5 indicates that some deep part of him does resent this, resents the concept of talent as he views it, and would rather excise his concept of 'hope' from his mind entirely and effectively advocate for the opposite:

which could track with this exchange from his final FTE in DR2, which doesn't say that would be good but doesn't say it's bad either:

But an emphasis should be placed on deep. The hesitation of the latter makes it sound like it's not something he's allowed himself to think about much. If his ideology is partly a coping mechanism, if he allowed himself to consciously question whether his idea of 'hope' is actually worth the 'despair', whether his lack of a real talent means his life actually has less worth, whether a talented/talentless binary that determines the course of people's lives without them having any agency even exists in the first place, et cetera... he would also have to acknowledge that his life is hell. That the world has been extremely unfair to him, that no amount of lottery money can compensate for a life without love, and that maybe he has potential that might never be fulfilled because of his terminal illnesses. Maybe everyone else that has died in ways he'd attribute to his luck- much likelier than not to be 'talentless' like him- had worth too.

But he doesn't do that, at least most of the time, so processing the killing game through his talent/hope complex it is.

And it's one thing to apply those ideas to his own suffering, but when he finds himself in a situation with other people... where deaths are inevitable and he has some ability to influence this... it gets ugly.

When you crush whether people live or die and the wide range of ways the survivors could be affected by that into two abstract quantities, fixating on one value being larger than the other, the lives of anyone with talent become interchangeable. He speaks about his classmates as a collective here- 'Ultimates' and 'symbols of hope' and 'everyone' and 'them'- even though his actions would require anything from one to all but one of them to die. Because it doesn't matter who specifically dies (he's happy to orchestrate a murder with anyone) or how many (siding with a murderer is on the table for him as long as their 'hope' has potential to outweigh everyone else's).

It's fitting that when he eventually lived up to his promise, dying to make himself a stepping stone for hope, he didn't even know who it was that he spared or took with him. It was chosen at random. This gets visually hammered in the way the Closing Argument gives everyone but him the grey silhouette treatment.

Whether he was trying to increase the hope of the talented or take out a bunch of fellow terrorists with him, his treatment of them when it came to murder cases reduced them to one aspect of themselves in a way that was utterly dehumanising. I feel like there were still cracks in that- signs he, for example, felt bad about what happened to the Ultimate Imposter- but that's something I want to save for another post.

In non-killing game contexts like UTDP and DRS he doesn't toy with anyone's lives in the same way; the above behaviour was technically making the most of a preexisting awful situation (at least from his point of view) and we only see him force people into new ones as Servant. It still seems to be the case, however, that he doesn't really mask his views long-term and they affect how he interacts with Ultimates to the point of making them uncomfortable. The post linked at the start covered a great Komaeda-Souda DRS scene on this; the Komaeda-Momota UTDP scene below is also really relevant.

Momota correctly clocks that Komaeda's admiration of him is... maybe not quite aimed at him as a real person. He drops it because of Komaeda's reaction- presumably he'd misattributed the off vibes to Komaeda being inauthentic- but it still feels like Komaeda's engaging with him as some abstract vessel for talent and hope to some extent.

-

I feel like there's more I should cover here but this took way longer than expected- it's now past 5am- so I'll stop there. Hopefully it still illustrates the main point: Komaeda's a character full of contradictions and that very much applies to his views of the talented. He doesn't completely reduce people to talent-based caricatures but part of him still kind of does, and the degree to which that affects his behaviour varies a lot with the circumstances he's in.

[vagelts]

The way beliefs change

By shown the opposite and realizing what is possible.

By having “healing” experiences, and by some mysterious grace, we transform hurt to love.

Part 1: Friendship

It could be by chance that I had any realization in life. And in a moment like any other I had the realization that my biggest issue in life is connection with other people. I have spent most of my youth alone feeling isolated, discarded, and I had sparse real communication with people. Some hang outs, some adventures or any other style of situation with friends and with people out there. From inside, always looking out. Having a hard time connecting that way.

Then I tried to connect with myself as I probably intuitively understood that my inner world is a mirror to the outside. I did everything I could, I tried everything that I felt working for me, for years. And then I stop trying. I found “Wu-wei”, the art of trying without trying, and that took me a long long time to grasp it, to comprehend its nature which essentially and simply put, is living according to the flow of life. Sometimes I find it, sometimes I lose it. But I know it’s there. And that is what matters.

We do art, we make money, we study, we care about people, we work on our goals and for what? All as so to be able to connect. What is the answer to someone that finds it hard to connect with others, when all he sees around is connection everywhere?

I feel in tune with nature and with every moment. Each moment, I notice that everywhere I look, I see total beauty. I get calm, joyful and without over-analyzing or having any negativity in mind. In my body I feel healthy and with a good level of fitness. My inner world is serene most of the time, and if a day of discomfort comes, it could be a hard day, but it doesn’t affect me to my core all that much. The next day my mental state naturally comes back to a certain equilibrium, back to normal.

I worked a lot to be able to be happy in these areas of life, the inner life. But I always did it alone. I always feel I didn’t have the opportunity to work with other people, or just to feel the safety of being close to someone that I know I can trust. I trusted because I had to. I always knew it would end at some point.

I dreamed of real connections with other people. Not only to feel accepted but also, as it seems hard for me, to feel I belong there. To be part of the tribe, a team full of love and friendships everywhere. A high standard I put upon myself, but I haven’t chosen to feel that way. My inclinations steer my mind and my desires are my teachers. So being alone taught me many things about myself, but it couldn’t teach me “companionship”. Without this kind of connection I will always feel incomplete.

Being in nature is nice, overcoming difficulties is satisfying, but doing it all with my friends is true healing for me. From my limited human point of view, by grace we connected, and I’m as grateful I could be.

Part 2: Romance

Sometimes I feel a certain injustice. Something that poisons my heart. I know my love is pure and I get rejected for it. I gave value to the wrong people. I wanted to have romance in my life. I still do.

When I was younger, because of the shame I had about my desires, I think because I didn’t develop with the proper confidence and trust in myself. Not being able to empower myself with masculine energy, and girls probably feel this lack subconsciously. Even if I still have no clue what women want, back then was ever worse. Also I believe a factor for my so called failures, was the way other member of my family have not been able to see me and give the proper boost of confidence in myself. Or the lack of encouragement from the people closer to me. This is the imbalance I need to deal with, but right now, I don’t know how.

I feel I never had a “real” girlfriend, and that fills me with shame.

As a man you’re supposed to have girlfriends. Everybody is talking about it. All the time in the mind of everyone, to indulge in the senses. To have sex became the ultimate goal in life. Then talk about it. Like a lot. Then find other ways with your “partner” to indulge into other senses. Eat a lot. Drink a lot. Have some kids. Everybody loves kids. You might get separated, you might not, who knows. But you lived passionately! You indulged. You identified with your feelings, your opinions, your personality! I affect people around me, I matter. I became Ego.

What does it matter anyway… I want to have romance in my life. I’m trying now to make my own path and I still miss love in my life. I search for the truth. I say it. Each time I do, I gain something. Mostly in life, as in truth, I need to face whatever comes, with courage. Tell the truth, the real one. Love is in the act of it.

[cinnamonest]

Who do you think would be able to noncon and wife Lumine? Since she's been traveling worlds and stuff she's probably stronger than what we give credit for, so who do you think would be a good match for her?

Oh there's a lot of good candidates and I am a Lumine Harem Enthusiast™ and honestly everyone has their own advantages.

I mean yes Lumine is powerful, but still visibly struggles at times like the golden house fight, with Baal, etc, so I think it's fair to say she has combat experience/technique skill and elemental power but still the actual physical strength of the average female of her size, so, not too strong. Unfortunately without a vision, she can't just have her power stripped from her, but most of our boys are candidates in their own way.

She visibly struggles against Baal, so it's fair to say she's no match for an actual archon like Zhongli or Venti, probably not Xiao either. In terms of physical + elemental power she's not even close to a combative threat. Those three would have the easiest time of it. Of them, the most likely to do so would definitely be Xiao, based on some of his dialogues and birthday letter and teapot lines he's pretty direct about having some form of attachment to/affection for the traveler and just based on his personality I feel like he's the most likely to snap into yan mode, so to speak.

Side note interestingly one of the things I haven't discussed much is that like, yandere is rarely the natural state of a person, it's more like an underlying tendency/a state of mind/a "side" of a person that can be triggered or snapped into, and certain individuals are more or less likely to do so. Some have to be driven to a breaking point through a lot of stress, some just a few conditions have to be met, and then for a few it's basically their default when they experience affection or attachment. So certain characters are far more likely than others to "become yandere." Xiao is absolutely high on that scale for likeliness, would be in that last category, so yeah, the most likely of those 3.

Venti would be least likely, but he could be driven to it, and Zhongli is somewhere in the middle. All of them would be able to do so with some ease, though, and Zhongli and Xiao specifically could lock her in an abode. Not to mention they don't really die as easily as a person I think? So even if she attacks they'll probably be fine. Venti also has psychological manipulation on his side, he can probably easily gaslight her into seeing her brother as an enemy if he really tries. If all else fails, sweep her up with that burst of his and knock her out.

Any human or human adjacent would have a significantly harder time since Lumine's elemental powers cannot just be taken away so easily. If anyone can find a way to do so though, that would probably be Albedo. He's also smart enough to not make his intentions too obvious, much like with his quest - he would just perform harmless experiments he claims are for this or that reason, eventually developing a way to strip her of her power. His biggest advantage is obviously intelligence. He'd always be one step ahead of her, always predict her next move, and that's just as good of an advantage as any physical or elemental one.

So while it would be more difficult if she still has her power, the thing about Kaeya and Diluc is both of them are the kind of stubborn (Diluc) and deranged (Kaeya) enough to... Just restrain her. Arms and legs bound. At all times. Can't use your powers if you can't move. Diluc can just keep trying to be kind in his own way, because he *can* be sweet and caring when he tries, and would eventually just mindbreak/Stockholm her. Kaeya on the other hand... She's a lot more likely to end up... Permanently incapacitated. Can't escape if you can't use your limbs. For those two, the hard part would be getting her - most likely grab her while she's asleep, but once they have her and get her restrained, they're set. They're both bigger stronger men and can easily beat her in terms of pure hand to hand strength. Pyro is a rather frightening element and can be used as a projectile in Diluc's case, a burn can easily incapacitate. And if she tries to escape in the rain or cross a river she can be easily frozen too, and Kaeya's one of the least afraid to seriously hurt her to begin with. Eventually she'll become conditioned, the pain she experiences every time she tries to escape will eventually outweigh her desire to be free and find her brother, eventually she'll crack and give in to despair and give up, he can break her with time.

Childe and Scara would have it a bit easier than those two, because they have more help. The Dawn Winery maids can help Diluc sure, but they can't really contain her quite like Fatui can. She can't fight off 10 of them by herself. So even when they're not nearby, they can just have people watch her. Sure she puts up a fight, but they both kinda like that. In the end even if she escapes, they can probably manage to get her back, especially with help. For one I feel like Childe is a lot more capable when in a wide open space like the outdoors chasing her would be, in comparison to a tiny enclosed space like our fight with him.

The smaller boys would have the most difficulty. Razor and Xingqiu have the advantage of pure numbers/outnumbering her. Xingqiu has guards but in the end they're just normal guys and can't do too much. Still, when their entire force is gathered, they might be able to overpower her, especially if she's not in anemo mode and can't blow them away.

Razor has a similar thing going on -- sure, they're animals, you can blow away five wolves, but fifteen? Thirty? Fourty? She'd be able to escape eventually but the problem here would be staying escaped. Boy has no limits and inhuman levels of stubbornness and will gladly chase her across the entire map. Catch Lumine reaching Inazuma thinking she's finally safe and our boy comes emerging from the water like the cryptid he is just "found you, we go home now", he fucking swam across the ocean for that Lumine coochie and he'll do it again. Unbelievable.

Razor also has an elemental advantage. Other elements like hydro + cryo combo can freeze her if you have dual yans, but his is the only element where getting one good hit in can completely shock her into unconsciousness or paralysis.

The ones who have the hardest times would be Chongyun and Kazuha. It's just themselves, really, I doubt the Crux would be too willing to help imprison a girl, especially since Kazuha isn't in a position of power over them the way Diluc, Xingqiu, Scara and Childe have power over their forces, and they're not as insanely loyal as the wolves. Chongyun is on his own by default, maybe can enlist help from Xingqiu and his forces, but it's unlikely they'll help him all the time. Both are pretty determined, but they'd have a difficult time fighting her. It's a toss up honestly, but even if they lose one battle they can find her again and eventually win. They would both likely try to catch her by surprise, take her while she's sleeping, etc. Kazuha has no qualms restraining her, Chongyun feels bad, but he'll do it if he has to.

Bennett has the pure protection of being Bennett. Like yeah you want to find your brother but is it worth making Bennett sad? No. No it is not. I'd drop my entire journey right there bc I can't bear the thought of hurting him. He doesn't even have to restrain her, could you imagine breaking his heart you monster? No. Lumine is finished.

Dainsleif could probably manage. He has tricks up his sleeve, I guarantee it. He's been around long enough there's no way he hasn't learned how to handle a being like her, probably knows of a way to strip her of power.

Tbh? Ultimately, the best choice in terms of being able to handle her is her brother. He knows her too well. He knows exactly what her strengths and weaknesses are, he probably knows exactly how to beat her. He knows her better than anyone, and it gives him an incomparable advantage, so she's pretty much done for.

So tl;dr Lumine is fucked both figuratively and literally and should just accept her fate :)

[softluci]

aggressive affection (round two!)

[ part two of this, with the now dateables. guess which one(s) i have a crush on—i am actually so embarrassed because i'm getting shy trying to write this, but it's a must that i put this into the universe. if you want to read this first, rather than the one with the brothers, here is the preface: ] 

i’m not sure if this is something unique to younger people, but i am one hundred percent sure that younger people do it a lot, just going off of the behavior of my friends and i. (i’m gonna tell you now that this isn’t entirely sfw, so minors dni please and thank u)

but i’ve found that it’s pretty common for friends to be, like, aggressively affectionate with one another, for lack of a better phrase. if not aggressively affectionate, then just really flirtatious, often for no reason, and it is still meant entirely in a platonic sense. some examples of this that i have experienced include, but are not limited to:

“i’m gonna eat you,” “do u wanna make out,” “just remember, no matter WHAT happens, i will ALWAYS wanna make out with you,”  “i have literally wanted to fuck all of you at some point,” “let’s have sex,” “stfu before i kiss you,” [points to lap] “is this seat taken?” “every day i’m like, ‘wow, [name] is so cool, we should make out,’” and so on and so forth. 

so you can imagine the fun i’m about to have.

dia

you—why did you—look. 

dia is a very nice, social guy; very smiley, you guys get along great, that's great! 

he is still very much a demon (the prince of them, in fact)  and very much not one of your friends from the human world, no matter how much he wants you to treat him as such. 

you should've known better. 

he'd invited you to the castle for tea and a nice chat—a regular occurrence between the two of you so that he could see how you were doing, how the program was going, talk about lucifer, play catch up; nothing out of the ordinary. 

he complimented you on your performance thus far, telling you about how well you've done—which was just standard kindness—so would you like to explain to the class why your immediate response was, “so kiss me then,” ? 

he was totally fine with it, but he was also very confused, so it was only fair that he pulled you into his lap to get a better understanding of what you meant. if you do the math, it adds up, i swear. 

luckily, you don’t even have to explain yourself with this one because it seems like he already knows. this is good because, given his proximity to you at that moment, you wouldn’t have done a good job explaining yourself anyway. 

“is this how you talk to your human friends?” 

it was a simple question, with a simple answer, it’s just that you were nose-to-nose, and his eyes were hooded all of a sudden and his hand was cupping the side of your face so, naturally, you had some difficulty forming words—fortunately, you managed to nod instead of embarrassing yourself by trying to talk. 

“and do they ever do what you ask?” 

again, it would’ve been foolish of you to try and speak, so you just shook your head. you were doing a surprisingly nice job of maintaining your dignity, well done! this is nice compensation for the fact that you seemed to forget you were dealing with the demon of demons, but he was kind enough to remind you—

“well, i’m not one of them, so i’ll do as you say. you don’t mind, right?” 

do you have a saving grace with this man? meh. he doesn’t want to do anything in front of the others, but he can literally go somewhere private with you under the guise of wanting to talk. it’s not like anyone is gonna tell him he can’t. 

barbatos

you don’t make any sense. you watched black butler know that he’s the scariest person in the devildom, why did you think you could do this? he might be a menace not too far underneath that professional exterior, but that doesn’t mean you have to fuck around and find out. or maybe that’s exactly what that means. 

all he did was bring you tea. he saw you sitting in the castle’s library doing schoolwork—dia offered to let you study there to enjoy some quiet that you wouldn’t have gotten at the house, and because you aren’t one to forgo such a kind gesture, you accepted. 

he set it down on the table in front of you, much to your surprise. 

“oh, thank you! you really didn’t have to,” you said, looking up at him from your seat. 

“nonsense,” he started, smiling softly, “you’ve been working hard.”

you, for whatever reason, took this as an opportunity to pretend barbatos was one of your human friends. 

“you shouldn’t say that unless—” 

that’s all he let you say. what you were going to say was, “you shouldn’t say that unless you plan on making out with me.” trouble was, he already knew that. you must have forgotten who you were talking to. 

before you could finish, his hand was under your chin, and his other hand was resting on the arm of your chair, effectively caging you in, and effectively keeping you from looking away. 

his smile went from benevolent to teasing meaning you got the menace you wanted, as he asked,“unless what?” 

he took more joy in your flustered state than he would care to admit, but he’d recently learned that you had an affinity for trying to catch people off guard, so he thought it was more than fair to do the same to you—as a treat, for him. 

that said, it’s no surprise that you had to endure relentless teasing, him asking you what you wanted from him, why you were so shy all of a sudden, telling you not to be shy and that he wouldn’t bite, unless you asked nicely. what? he liked how warm your face made his hand. 

“what’s wrong? don’t you want to kiss me?” 

okay. that was the last straw. you never even hinted that you didn’t wanna kiss this man, and here he was, making assumptions about you as a person. 

you, in your infinite confidence and assertive nature, said, “i—i never said i didn’t want to.” 

and you know what, you really showed him because even though he laughed at you, even though he made a show of taking off his gloves, even though his hand moved from the arm of the chair to your thigh—even though he took every necessary step to remind you that he was in control, you still got what you wanted. and then some. 

your only saving grace with him is the fact that he breathes professionalism and he’s always busy. when he isn’t busy, however. well. 

simeon

you goddamn heathen. oh, you fucking freak. simeon has a reputation to uphold, you can’t treat him like one of your heathen little human friends, which means you can’t just say whatever pops into your head when you’re talking to him, which means—you should really learn to take compliments normally. 

simeon is a nice guy, and he likes you a lot, so it only makes sense that he compliments you whenever he can. in other words, he dishes out anywhere from one to four compliments whenever the two of you are together. he can’t help it, he just thinks you’re neat! 

the fact remains that you chose to be a menace to the angelic persona he is supposed to project at all times. 

it was a simple compliment. he enjoyed spending time with you, and he told you so, just telling you that your presence was a pleasant one. 

your response was actually normal—it was a simple, “i like being around you too!” 

in a way, this is simeon’s fault, if you think about it. he could’ve just said, “thank you,” and kept it pushing, but instead, he said, “really?”

why would he think you didn’t like being around him? that was unacceptable, so, really, what choice did you have but to give him the most solid affirmation he would ever hear? 

“of course! every day, i’m like, ‘wow, simeon is so cool, we should make out,’ you know?”

what you were expecting was for him to blush and laugh it off, call you silly, and maybe pat your head for good measure. that was a reasonable thing to expect, albeit that is not even close to what you got. 

since you were being so casual, simeon figured that he could—that he should—do the same. it was only natural that he stop being a model angel for a little while, right? 

oh, don’t look so flustered, it’s not like you’ve never been backed against a wall before. how many times has a demon done this to you? it’s only fair that an angel gets a turn. 

“actually,” he started, lips already brushing against yours as he spoke. “i don’t know. would you mind showing me?” 

if you are, understandably, too flustered to function, he will gladly make the first move, don’t worry, but if his first move happens to be taking your bottom lip between his teeth instead of kissing you, well… there’s not much you’re going to be able to do about it, so you may as well just enjoy. 

i mean, you tempt an angel, and you get what’s coming to you—that’s all there is to it. 

similar to barbatos, you will only be safe from this man when he’s in public or around a few of the others. if you’re alone with him and in private, he’s already under the impression that he doesn’t have to be an angel with you, so find joy in the side of him you’ve uncovered. 

solomon (derogatory)

you two deserve each other, really. both of you are public enemies. he was just as terrible as your friends from back home, except he was always walking the line like a tightrope. he was always on the verge of making his teasing into a reality, and to be quite frank, you were starting to get fed up—and you were right to be. but this is what you get for being a dirty solomon enjoyer. 

all of his empty threats and demands about kissing you, his lingering touches on your lower back or waist or thighs, his dumb little smirks on his dumb little face, his occasional bites wherever you were vulnerable, his habit of putting his hand around your throat for fun (or so he says)—those all came with the territory. he hasn’t had a friend to tease in ages (he can’t do it to asmo without it immediately turning into an hour long event), so you get it all at once, congratulations! 

don’t look so upset, he’s an attractive guy, so this is still a win. 

now, all of that said, you were hard pressed to find an opportunity to catch this man off guard, but once you got your chance, you latched onto it exactly as you should’ve. 

the two of you were in his room, studying (“studying”) for an upcoming exam. he was sitting in a chair, and you were on his bed a few feet away. you needed something from your bag, which was on the side of his chair farthest from you, so you decided to walk by him to get it, like a normal person. look at you, acting regular for once.

evidently, that was a mistake. as soon as you were in front of him, his hand was on your waist, and you were pulled into his lap. 

you turned to look at him, eyebrows raised and everything, and he seemed to have an explanation ready to go, paired with one of his signature smiles.

“i was wondering when i’d get to bother you again.” 

this was your chance—probably the only chance you’d get in a while, so it made sense that you took this opportunity to be heinous, even though you were in a rather compromising position. 

“either sleep with me or leave me alone.”

you did it. for a moment, you had him. the surprise plastered on his face was enough gratification to last you a lifetime, however fleeting it may have been. unfortunately for you, he had a wonderful recovery time. 

before you could fully enjoy the look on his face, it was gone, replaced by a more sinister expression that almost made you regret your decision. 

for what it’s worth, you didn’t have to see that menacing look of his for long because he turned you away from him to press your back into his chest. if that makes you feel any better. 

“i’ll never leave you alone,” he hummed, teeth already grazing your neck. his hand moved from your waist to your inner thigh, slowly separating one leg from the other. “but you already knew that.” 

you didn’t have a saving grace with this man before, and now you never will.

[intimidatingpuffinstudios]

Straasa Commission!

Hello, everyone!

One of your kind fellow fans commissioned me on KoFi for some juicy Straasa smut, and they would like this commission to be shared with all of you!

It features Straasa in a pretty dommy mood, and while the writing is pretty explicit, the MC can be of any gender!

The warnings include: bondage, blindfolds, overstimulation, edging, fingering, penetration, oral, multiple orgasms, biting

Have fun XD

Lulled into a cocoon of warmth, drunk on his voice, his touch, when he started gently pressing kisses against your head, leaning down to lightly nibble on your ears, you thought nothing of it. Just gave into the steady building of arousal he was driving you into, greedy for more of his touch, for more of his attention.

You’d like to say that you know how you ended up here, but it would be a lie. There you were, minding your own business and sitting in your favorite armchair with a book when your sweet lover came to join you. His voice was soft, his touch softer, blue eyes hooded and loving.

He lured you in innocently enough. His hands slowly massaging your shoulders, his deep voice murmuring sweet nothings in your ears—what are you reading, do you need me to get you anything, how has your day been, I’ve missed you so, my heart.

His clever fingers began to roam, caressing over your shoulders, trailing over your chest and teasing the edges of your nipples over the light tunic you were wearing. After pressing soft kisses all over your face—your nose, your closed eyelids, your cheekbones, your chin—his soft lips followed the path of his hands.

Down your neck they went, suckling gently on your skin to leave evidence of his love, his hot breath fanning over the nipples his fingers got pebbled, mouth closing around one momentarily to suck headily. He didn’t linger there, however. His hands slipped under the tunic, teasing and sensitizing you as he knelt before you, his mouth playing over the edge of your pants.

A steady stream of moans was forced from you as he played you like an instrument, heat pooling in your core, your breath coming in pants as his digits plucked at your nipples, mouth teasing with light bites over your clothed thighs, licking over your pubic bone but never straying lower.

In the end, you couldn’t take the teasing anymore and yanked down your pants yourself, his dark chuckle making you throb all the harder as you bared yourself to his hungry gaze and ever hungrier mouth. The cool air created such a contrast of sensations as Straasa’s hot lips descended upon you with ravenous intent.

This is how you find yourself writhing on the armchair, hands buried in his long locs, hips pushing up against his mouth, trying to get him as close to your burning core as possible, his long fingers plucking your nipples expertly. He makes hungry sounds as he feasts on you, the vibrations traveling through every nerve and setting your blood aflame as surely as his tongue does.

Higher and higher the pleasure ratchets, your muscles tightening, your fingers turning into claws on his scalp, until the heat spills over and you helplessly fall over the precipice, a wild climax rolling over you as you release into his mouth. He laps and sucks at you, prolonging the ecstasy until you’re whining from the overstimulation.

He pulls back with a self-satisfied smirk, lips glistening, blue eyes twin pools of black, his hunger not yet sated. He gets up from his knees and slithers up to you, his tall, fit form flexing with the movement and making a new wave of lust surge through you.

He buries his hand in your locks and seals his mouth over yours, letting you taste your own desire on his lips. “I’m not done with you yet, beloved,” he whispers against your skin as he trails his mouth over your jaw and up your ear, giving the tip a little nibble.

Then, without missing a beat, his strong arms wrap around your back and under your knees before he lifts you in the air in a bridal carry, his effortless strength stealing your breath away as he swiftly moves you towards the bedroom. Who knows what delights await you there?

You find out soon enough. Your lover deposits you on the bed ever-so-gently, his hands gliding over your sensitized body. He undressed you fully with reverent hands, his open palm trailing over the curve of your hip and moving to the back to massage one of your cheeks.

Then he flips you over abruptly, cause a gasp to burst from you at the sudden manhandling. He looms over your back, his hands moving to your wrists and slowly, inescapably bringing them to lay across the small of your back. His hot breath fans over your ear as he leans down to murmur to you, his grip on you a vice.

“I’m going to tie your hands behind your back, beloved. Then, I’m going to put a blindfold over your pretty eyes as I lay kisses all over your body. I will have you completely at my mercy, and you’re going to let me, won’t you? My most precious one. You’ll be good for me.”

A broken whimper leaves your lips as you arch your back, trying to rub yourself against him just to have that contact, to feel him against you. Your generous lover obliges, pushing you down with his bulk and letting you feel more of his weight, his hips grinding lightly against your backside, showing you how hard he is for you.

Holding your wrists captive with one hand, he allows you to writhe against him, rubbing yourself over his length as he reaches under the pillows and pulls out a long length of rope. Your mouth goes instantly dry as you realize that he has planned this out, and he meant to have you at his mercy from the get go, drugging you first with pleasure and soft attention to get you mellow and obedient.

All of it leading up to this. To your hands tied behind you, your sight taken away, and your lover running covetous fingers all over you, stoking the flames of your desire to a roaring inferno. Throughout it all, his sinful voice rumbles in your ear, as heady and tangible as a caress.

“Does this feel good, my heart?” he murmurs softly, his loving tone coming in stark contrast to the wicked movements of his hand, toying with you until you’re groaning with abandon, your flesh on fire, aching to feel him inside. He coos at your torture, a low rumble of satisfaction leaving him as you squirm wildly, trying to get his fingers inside you.

He pulls his hand away and focuses on kissing and licking your neck, your ears, his teeth and tongue leaving hot marks over your shoulders, your stomach, your thighs. His touch is everywhere except where you need him most. He tugs on your hair to make you arch your back, suckling headily all over your back.

It almost hurts to have him stroke every last inch of you, the feeling of his firm caresses overwhelming you with sensation. You want more but you don’t, it’s too much but not enough. Your lover flips you on your back, your hands trapped underneath you, your head thrashing as you try to dislodge the blindfold.

“Shhhh, shh, my sweetheart. You’re okay, there’s nothing to fear. I’m here, my beauty,” he soothes you lovingly, leaning down to press heated kisses all over your face, bringing his ear close to your mouth to check whether you need to say something to him.

“Okay?” he asks in a low murmur, and you manage a hum and a broken yes, your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth. Straasa chuckles darkly as he presses a kiss to the edge of your blindfold—then, he grabs one of your ankles in each hand and spreads your legs wide.

The strain of it plays at the edge of too much, but you feel a full body blush bloom over your skin at the embarrassment of being so exposed. Your man makes a hungry noise deep in his throat, however, and you can just imagine him biting his lip, his fingers on you tightening.

“I could just eat you up,” he growls, the need in his voice impossible to miss. “And you’d let me, wouldn’t you? My treasured one. So beautiful. All mine.” The heady words make your breath catch, a fresh wave of arousal overpowering you before Straasa leans down and claims your mouth roughly.

He positions your legs around his waist, and you keep them there as he devours you with lips and tongue, going deep, licking and sucking ravenously. His hands stroke over your flanks, down your hips and across your thighs before he finally—finally­—touches you where you need him most.

He plays with your body, his steely erection pressed tightly against your thigh as he prepares your body to take his fingers deep within, his tongue thrusting into your mouth just the way you like. His crafty digits slip inside you without any difficulty, your body more than ready to accept him.

He uses all his considerable experience to drive you absolutely crazy, the tips of his fingers pressing into that spot that makes you see stars with every stroke inward, spreading them out on the backstroke. Before long, you are sobbing with overwhelmed ecstasy, your body gearing up for yet another orgasm just from his fingering.

As your body starts clenching around his thrusting digits, he picks up the pace, rutting against your thigh, sucking your breath away as your back arches. You are pushed over the edge, contracting spasmodically on the fingers forcing the climax out of you.

On and on the orgasm goes, stronger, sharper than the last one. You wail and thrash against the bedding, and your lover grips you by the hair and pins you to the bed as he kisses you throughout, not allowing you even a moment of reprieve. Once the aftershocks set in, you slump into the bed, exhausted.

Yet Straasa doesn’t pull back, doesn’t pull out his fingers. He keeps working your spent body, slower than before but no less insistently. You whine desperately, the pleasure growing teeth as your body is pushed past its normal limits. Straasa rips his mouth from you, lips latching onto your ear as he pants and reaches down to free himself from his breeches.

Within moments, the silkiness of his hard member pushes against your thigh, oh-so-hot and demanding as he rubs himself over your skin, his cruel fingers once more picking up the pace inside you. He pulls back just enough to start suckling at your nipples, his free hand grabbing your throat.

Every time you try to pull away from his relentless fingers, the grip on your throat tightens, and the vibration of his growling rumbles all over the peaked nipple in his mouth. He shows no mercy as he catapults you to the edge of yet another orgasm, your whole body trembling wildly at the pleasure-pain.

The thought to tell him to stop doesn’t even cross your mind. You’re just about to fly over the precipice of what promises to be another mind-shattering orgasm, your hips thrusting in tandem with his fingers, trying to get him deeper in, more, more, more!

Your body tightens, eyes rolling in their sockets—and the stimulation is abruptly snatched away, leaving you hollow, and empty, and throbbing. You scream at the loss, your climax subverted but your body still on fire with the need to release. You babble his name again and again, a curse, a plea, and your pitiless lover chuckles.

Without a word, he pulls away from you entirely, the sudden loss of his weight, his warmth, distressing you even further. You thrash and snarl, trying to get yourself free, to find him, bite him, claim, make him finish this—! Two muscular arms wrap around your hips before you are unceremoniously hoisted towards him.

With the speed of a striking snake, your lover covers you with his body, his member slipping inside you in one long, hard thrust that sends euphoria zinging through every nerve, his teeth embedding themselves into the meat of your shoulder. You climax. You climax so hard you can’t breathe, all self-awareness fleeing as you become a vessel for pure bliss.

Bliss that doesn’t stop. Straasa cradles you so close it’s impossible to move, his hard body undulating against yours as he hammers into you, giving it to you hard and deep, holding nothing back. You are beyond overstimulated, but you can’t stop your hips from pushing back, coupling like wild animals, trying to all but fuse with one another.

Your mouths search for one another, and soon, you are making love in every way conceivable, his weight on top of you, his arms keeping you prisoner as he ushers you through a never-ending stream of releases, until your body has no more left to give.

Consciousness fades as your body shudders and flails through the last of your delicious torture, Straasa’s seed filling you deep within as your man moans his completion against your mouth. Everything is a blur after that. You float on a cloud of pure euphoria, weightless, existing beyond time and space.

You feel careful hands clean you up, a glass of water pressed to your lips, dried fruit pushed into your mouth. You drink and chew obediently, without thought, until you are once more taken in a tender embrace and Straasa strokes your back, pets your hair, presses soft kiss to the crown of your head as you lie on top of his chest.

You fall asleep to the knowledge you are safe, loved. Oh-so-very satisfied.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

[thefisherqueen]

Review of The Green Knight

As a lover of Arthurian legend and medieval reenactment and a once-upon medieval literature student, the new movie The Green Knight of course was on my to-watch list. Especially after reading qqueenofhades’ excellent essay. I finally watched the movie last week. And I have some Thoughts to share.

There are a lot of things to like about this movie. It was delightfully non-sensational and devoid of GoT-like violence and political power struggles. There was some really beautiful cinematography, partly thanks to the beautiful Irish mountains this movie was shot in. I love that TGK not just adopted, but instead reworked the legend. The main moral themes and outcomes, while not a literal copy, felt authentic to the Christian medieval context of the poem, involving questions around honor, courage, hospitality, greatness, humility and what it means to be a good knight, or even a good person. The movie made it beautifully clear that Gawain’s main problem could have been avoided had he just given the Green Knight a scratch, but because he chose to behead the knight while said knight was lying kneeling and harmless at his feet, there is no escaping from facing the consequence of that action, which is neatly echoed throughout the movie. The green knight, the knight with the green belt and the lord who goes hunting in the green. The lover, the saint and the temptress. What you give, you will receive, and the other way around. The cast was great (too asexual to be thirsty for Dev Patel, though, sorry). The messing up of the mistaken image of medieval europe as just white is also always appreciated. I too liked that the film didn’t care to explain some of the wonders and mysteries, like the giants and the saint who lost her head, they just were accepted as part of that world. Being somewhat puzzled and enchanted is sadly rare in media nowadays where everything has to be explained or else it’s a ‘plot hole’. The liberty this movie takes with time, with multiple possible versions playing out and the reoccuring circular motives were impressive. However, the film as a whole didn’t quite work for me and I don’t really care to rewatch it. I think there are two fundamental reasons why.

The first is that the viewer isn’t given reason to care about the main character. I think this choice is deliberate, as we see Arthur asking Gawain to tell a tale of himself to get to know him, and Gawain replies that he has none, and after Gawain takes on the Green Knight’s challenge as an opportunity to gain a tale for himself. Questions about telling and re-telling tales and achieving greatness are a central theme. However, this narrative choice poses a problem, as it results in a movie where we see Gawain wrestle through difficulties on his quest and he’s this strange identity-less puppet, escaped from the children’s puppet show. We as audience are set up to be detached from him, which makes it hard to root for his success or even his survival, despite how pretty and sad Dev Patel may look in a dirty-and-distressed state. This could have been solved without removing those identity themes by giving Gawain, if not great deeds, at least some establishment of his character at the start of the film. He doesn’t have to be likable, but he has to be something more than a drinker and brawler with a faint sense of wanting to prove himself. That is just not enough to make us attached to Gawain’s wellbeing and involved in the quality of his decision making. The rest of the movie doesn't quite build Gawain’s character either. We get that he’s uncertain and afraid, yes, but his actions remain inconsistent, his motivations unclear. His main character arch - that he needs to give up the protection of the enchanted green belt, needs to face fear and consequences rather than to rely on the treacherous protection of witchcraft - doesn’t come off the ground because we only learn close to the very end that the belt is a problem to the completion of his quest. That’s no arch, that’s an exhausting flat march and a sudden steep slope right before the finish line.   

The second problem ties into the first. Namely, you don’t need a strong emotional tie to the characters if there’s a light tone, an adventure with a side dish of some fun and humor perhaps. This movie, however, is anything but light. It’s dark. It’s grim. It’s cold. It’s wet. There’s exactly zero humor. Above all, it’s slow. So slow. Apart from an emotional connection, you also need a sit-on-the-edge-of-your-seat amount of story tension for this kind of dramatic tone and slow pace to work, and the script just doesn’t build that tension. A shot of Gawain riding through the moor after he leaves his home is just that: the confrontation with the Green Knight is still far away, there’s no looming threat we’re aware of, there’s nothing else to be told or resolved. Together with our emotional detachment it makes for a movie that switches between boring and ridiculously overdramatic, while occasionally looking stunning and taking on deeper questions and parallels. Overall it just makes for a frustrating viewer experience that lacks impact. I was left with a thorough “meh”. Which is a shame, because this movie is very interesting and could have been so good. That clever panning shot showing Gawain as a tied up skeleton should have been devastating. I should have been shouting “No DON”T do that, you IDIOT!” at the screen the moment Gawain scares away his adorable guardian fox. Instead, I couldn’t care less. Come on, Green Knight. Off with his head.    

Some final details to note: erotic movie scenes are normally already awkward, but the scenes in this movie take the usual akwardness next level. At least it’s handled consistently - whether straight or homoerotic, it’s basically all a dissapointment. (That cum shot has scarred my brain forever). Which has its own merit, I guess, but does make for an odd contrast to the camera’s loving, even somewhat objectiving depiction of Dev Patel and the way about every character tenderly touches his face. I’m left wondering what the point was of this choice. It tells something about Gawain’s failure to meet chivalry standards, maybe.  

The scenes which show witchcraft was used to make the Green Knight appear were rather cliché and I don’t think they added anything, as the Christian morality and consequences of relying on witchcraft are already addressed in the theme of the enchanted green belt. Also, it’s frustrating to keep seeing scratched-in runes used as literal magic. As far as our limited knowledge goes, runes were a whole writing system, magical only in the sense that writing something down can have a power of its own. Please, movie makers, think of something original.

Also, torches are terrible for indoor lighting. They burn out quickly and are horribly sooty, so it’s lanterns or candles you want indoors. But the use of the pentacle shown as a common talisman for protection rather than a specific symbol for evil or magic was nice. I’m not equipped to comment much on the choice of costumes and they didn't try to be accurate to a specific historic period and place anyway, but would have loved to see more men in long robes like the beautiful ones they gave king Arthur. Somehow, medieval themed movies only seem to go for the pants and knee-length tunic style for men, while long dress-like garments were in fact very common. Gawain’s beautifully patterned yellow mantle was the brightest point of the entire movie.      

[yan-twst]

♡masterlist II♡

-> apparently there is a 100 link limit on tumblr posts, and i hit that on my past masterlist! so this will be the second page for it to continue ^^ masterlist I can be found here: [x]

✧individual characters✧

ruggie with a darling who grew up in poverty

ruggie cuddling with his darling

floyd + RSA basketball team darling

floyd + cuddling after a bad day

leona having dinner with his family when cheka brings up his darling

cheka asking leona why he hasn’t married his darling

leona with a darling who likes meat as much as he does

malleus with a darling who owns a tamagotchi

malleus with a part-dragon darling 

malleus celebrating his darling’s birthday

sebek with an affectionate darling

sebek + breakfast in bed

azul taking his darling to a school reunion

ace and his darling’s first date

epel with a supportive darling

ortho hyping idia to propose to his darling

lilia general relationship headcanons

deuce accidentally slipping into delinquent mode in front of his darling

floyd with a darling who cooks

lilia with a busty darling

✧various characters✧

beast tamer darling (lilia, floyd)

characters with a darling who treats their wounds (jade, floyd, jack, ruggie)

characters with a darling who clings to them when scared (floyd, jade, malleus, lilia)

characters with a darling who's scared of bugs (leona, malleus, floyd, jade)

characters with a darling who falls off their broom (floyd, jade, malleus, jamil, lilia)

characters with a little sibling who attends nrc with them (malleus, leona, azul, jade, floyd)

characters with a darling who’s decided to stay in twisted wonderland (malleus, ace, floyd)

characters with a darling who shrunk due to magic (malleus, riddle, floyd) 

characters with a darling who uses a wheelchair (jamil, jade, trey, deuce, jack, idia)

going to the waterpark! (ace, deuce, grim)

characters when their darling proposes to them (jade, floyd, jamil, lilia)

playing mousetrap (cheka, ortho)

characters when their darling is late to their date (jade, floyd, jamil, vil, riddle)

characters with a fae darling whose wings were cut off in the past (sebek, malleus, azul)

characters with a darling who doesn’t talk because they dislike their voice (jamil, kalim, jade, floyd, malleus)

characters with a darling with terrible luck (vil, riddle, malleus, azul, jamil)

characters with a darling who teases them for being serious (deuce, riddle, malleus)

characters taking care of their sick darling (ace, trey, leona, lilia)

characters when grim turns into a human and hangs around their crush (azul, jade, floyd, ace, deuce)

short characters waking up one foot taller than they used to be (riddle, epel, lilia)

characters when rook follows their younger sibling around (leona, malleus, azul, jade, floyd)

✧dorm leaders✧

dorm leaders with a touch starved darling

dorm leaders + a laid back darling who likes to prank others

dorm leaders + their darling having an anime waifu / husbando

dorm leaders + their darling stressing over their future in twisted wonderland

dorm leaders + finding out their crush is a lesbian 

dorm leaders + a darling who has to return home because they’re the family’s breadwinner

dorm leaders + an usually cold and inexpressive darling smiling at them

dorm leaders + fragile and soft reader (platonic headcanons)

✧first years✧

first years + their darling using their clothes 

first years + their darling sending them anonymous gifts

first years + receiving friendship bracelets

first years + a crush who can change their appearance at will

first years + sleepover at ramshackle

first years + lesbian MC

first years + their darling dealing with a human grim

✧dorms✧

heatslabyul + insecure darling

heartslabyul + a vampire darling who needs blood

heartslabyul + a darling who eats the “eat me” cake or drinks the “drink me” potion

scarabia & diasomnia + darling who covers their eyes because they change colours with their feelings

heartslabyul + temperature soulmate AU

diasomnia + a darling who uses pet names

octavinelle + bartender darling

octavinelle + a darling who can sing to heal

scarabia & pomefiore + a darling who is immune to poison

octavinelle + sushi chef darling

savanaclaw + a darling who likes to pet their tails to relieve anxiety

✦yandere individual characters✦

yan!malleus with a selkie darling who willingly gives him their pelt

yan!malleus (and non-yan malleus) with a winged fae darling

yan!malleus who turns into a small animal and his darling has to care for him

yan!leona with a darling who acts caring for cheka

yan!epel headcanons

yan!kalim with a darling who puts up with being locked up

yan!trey general headcanons

yan!cater yandere alphabet A, E, J, K, N, T, U

yan!kalim with a gold digger darling

yan!idia marriage scenario

yan!azul with a darling who was bullied

yan!leona with a darling who doesn’t care he’s possessive

yan!leona with a tiger beastman darling

yan!lilia with a reincarnating darling

yan!malleus with a darling with a bad home life

yan!trey getting jealous of his darling paying attention to idia

yan!azul (and also regular azul) being pampered by his darling

yan!jamil with a darling who faints due to iron deficiency

yan!vampire vil scenario

yan!rook general headcanons

yan!azul with a darling who refuses to give him attention

malleus + yan alphabet (a, e, k, l, v, y)

✦yandere prompt stories✦

yan!azul with yandere prompt 3: “in the end... you’re only good for being with me. you’re useless at anything else, aren’t you?”

yan!kalim with yandere prompt 4: “i’m sorry for stealing your personal belongings... now that you’re here forever, i can return them!

yan!leona with yandere prompt 5:  “you have no idea... the things i’ve done while thinking of you, darling...”

yan!azul with yandere prompt 7:  “it’s cute how you think you have a choice!”

yan!azul with yandere prompt 9: “if you think of leaving, i’ll make death seem like a blessing to you.”

yan!rook with yandere prompt 10: “aah, forgive me for what i must do... i just can’t live on without you...!”

yan!jamil with yandere prompt 11: “feeling dizzy? well, it’s too late to realize: you already ingested what i slipped in your drink.” 

yan!lilia with yandere prompt 12:  “sure, i’ll let you run away. but if i catch you... then it’s fair game for me to do what i want.”]

yan!malleus with yandere prompt prompt 18: “i tried my best to be a normal lover… but it simply won’t work. you understand, right?”

yan!kalim with yandere prompt 19: “the outside is so dangerous, don’t you see? if i wasn’t here to protect you, who knows what would happen to you...”

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 22:  “you’re so sweet... i’m addicted to your presence.”

yan!trey with yandere prompt 23: “i don’t care if it’s the drugs making you speak; say you love me, again.”

yan!riddle with yandere prompt 24: “don’t look at me like that... you know i do everything i do because i love you.”

yan!leona with yandere prompt 25:“those bruises... did i do that...?”

yan!jamil with yandere prompt 28: “don’t you get it? i’m in charge here- you’re basically a glorified servant.”

yan!sebek with yandere prompt 31:“i ordered you to stay quiet. stop crying.”

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 33: “i didn’t mean to- no, god, i love you so much…! how could i have done this?”

yan!azul with yandere prompt 34:  “that’s right, just accept me... you’ll be so happy with me...”

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 35: “i wish i could love you the normal way.”

yan!lilia with yandere prompt 36: "your fear is so delicious to me"

yan!malleus with yandere prompt 37: "you look beautiful when you sleep... i'd know- i watched you, after all"

yan!riddle with yandere prompt 39:  "don't you dare think of anyone other than me"

yan!vil with yandere prompt 40: "i wish i didn't need to make you drink love potions for you to act caring, darling" 

yan!sebek with yandere prompt 42: "this is your last warning. either you're obedient, or i'll make you obedient"

yan!silver with yandere prompt 43:  "all i ever asked was for you to love me back... are you so selfish you won't even give me that?"

yan!azul with yandere prompt 47: "did you think you could escape me...? don't you know we're meant for each other? you're destined to return to me"

yan!epel with yandere prompt 48: "i never claimed to be a good person. if you didn't want this to happen, you shouldn't have made me fall in love with you"

yan!jamil with yandere prompt 66: “i like having power over you, don’t you get it? there’s no way to get out of this.”

yan!rook with yandere prompt 112: “i’ve been watching you for a while. i know your routine, your habits; i fell in love with how you act when you think nobody is looking.”

yan!ace with yandere prompt 117:  “ah, it’s ok to be angry at me… kick me, yell at me…! i don’t care what you do, just being near you is heaven!”

yan!deuce with yandere prompt 118: “i’d do anything for you. and i mean it; the law means nothing if it’s something you ask of me.”

yan!jade with  yandere prompt 119: “ah… you punched me- that’s ok, too. i hope it bruises; i want a mark to remind me your lovely hands were on my skin.”

✦yandere various characters✦

yan!characters reading their darling's diary and finding their secret (riddle, azul, leona, jamil, malleus)

yan!characters with a darling who has difficulty sleeping (leona, azul, floyd, jade)

yan!characters when someone is getting too close to their darling (leona, jamil, vil)

yan!characters when a secret admirer sends their darling a gift (riddle, ruggie, azul, kalim, epel, malleus)

yan!characters when their darling jokes they love someone else (leona, azul, idia, malleus, jade, floyd)

yan!characters with a darling who collects venomous snakes (azul, malleus, vil)

yan!characters when their darling escapes back to their world (azul, floyd, rook)

yan!characters with a darling who likes to go to parties (malleus, leona, vil)

yan!characters with a winged darling (lilia, azul, malleus)

yan!characters with a darling who wants to love them back (ruggie, trey, kalim)

yan!malleus falling for lilia’s spouse / yan!lilia falling for malleus’ spouse

yan!characters bullying their darling to get their attention (ace, floyd)

✦yandere dorm leaders / vice dorm leaders✦

yan!dorm leaders when another yan!dorm leader’s darling comes to them for refuge

yan!dorm leaders with a darling who refuses to eat any food they didn’t cook

yan!dorm leaders celebrating their darling’s birthday post-capture

yan!dorm leaders when their darling begs for them to kill them

yan!dorm leaders when their darling asks them to kill someone

yan!dorm leaders celebrating their darling’s birthday

yan!dorm leaders with a darling who they can’t wake up with a true love’s kiss

yan!vice dorm leaders general relationship headcanons (includes nsfw for 18+ characters)

✦yandere first years✦

yan!first years seeing their darling have their first kiss with someone else

✦yandere dorms✦

yan!savanaclaw working together to catch a sneaky darling

yan!octavinelle with a darling who can overpower the tweels

yan!scarabia + yan!savanaclaw with a darling who has a nightmare of them leaving

yan!pomefiore + yan!savanaclaw with a stockholm syndrome darling

yan!scarabia + yan!octavinelle with a genie darling

pomefiore yan alphabet (a, c, n, o)

♡nsfw stuff♡

[NSFW] idia + darling in thigh-highs

[NSFW] yan!trey + male darling

[NSFW] cater + blushy darling

[NSFW] lilia + breeding kink

[mentalisttraceur]

Imagining what it might be like to split into multiple minds and merge back into one. As I do sometimes.

The lessened conscious experience, maybe a guiding remembered goal, the memory of a vision or decision process too big or too foreign slipping away like the details of a dream after waking up.

What would I need to think, while whole, to ensure that the parts, once given independence, did what was desired? Extreme trust fall! Give up a part of yourself, and hope it doesn't betray you, doesn't go off-mission more than acceptable, comes back, willingly fuses, and that you haven't grown too incompatible from your different experiences in the meantime!

At least within the same brain you know you're all stuck in there together. You share the compute wetware and the flesh vehicle. You can only disintegrate so much through deeply habitualized avoidance of thinking "into" each other, and you're inescapably bound by cause-and-effect. This puts a hard limit on how much incentives can diverge. But if parts could split from the whole bodily, like if you were shape-shifting goo? Suddenly you really have to trust the part that you let go, and set it up pretty carefully before splitting. But even just within the same brain, if you can see enough possible ways for it to go badly, any cognition that you let execute outside of conscious dominion can seem risky. Especially if you're not the conscious stream that gets the steering wheel.

And then the reintegration. The merging. I have the most trouble imagining what this would be like. I suspect the difficulty is because I'm a pretty well-integrated human brain - I'm overwhelmingly certain that I am a singlet, and in fact my conscious self seems to "cover" more of my mind than some other normal people. Which means my cognition is really used to the many little integrations - that my conscious mind is quite experienced at smoothing over the mergers. Or perhaps more accurately maybe my conscious mind is the story cobbled together by all the mergers. Because, to be clear, the human brain definitely does this - how could it not? There's many parts and they physically can't be constantly reconciling everything instantly.

Anyway, if I had to guess, the integration is experienced kinda like this: first mind contact - thoughts pop up seemingly spontaneously that weren't there before. The more "different" the parts have had time to become, the more of the new stuff will be absolutely incoherent mental noise. Random blips of qualia and cognition like those little errors on old videos, sensory experiences coming from the wrong "mental directions" (like a smell coming from where sounds should be), etc. New associations - you think familiar thoughts but they suddenly start triggering unexpected feelings, memories, or other thoughts. New perspective, especially self-perspective: you suddenly see yourself or other things in ways you never have before. (In the "splitting into multiple bodies" hypothetical this is easy to imagine as suddenly merging one part's memories of looking at another part, into that other part's conscious stream, but within the same brain this might be suddenly seeing memories of the same events from a different mental reference frame: with more or less feeling of control, with different reactions, with different interpretations or thoughts about it.) And of course this can be gradual. Very gradual. If both parts are adaptive and perform valuable functions, then they'll probably be busy doing those things - they might not have time to play the complex game of thinking exactly the right thoughts to set off cognitive ripples in the other part, or to process the cognitive noise they're getting from the other part.

I wonder how many common human experiences come down to this. Like when people dissociate in traumatic situations and say they felt like they were onlookers, that could be just the main conscious "thread" (main? main in what sense? main perhaps only in the sense that this is the one that has conscious continuity/integration with the part retelling their story later) losing the controls to some other thread. And the key point here is that other thread of cognition perhaps always has some conscious experience of it's own! But if it and the "main" one don't regularly "mix", you'd never even know.

I've had a phrase in my mind for a couple years now. "We're all multiple (some of us just have stronger partitioning of experience and memory)". I kinda wanted to do a Proper(tm), concise post with just that concept, but never got around to it. I still think that's pretty true. But the neat thing is, it cuts both ways. Originally what I had in mind was us singlets having better integration, weaker partitioning. But now I'm thinking that maybe some of us singlets just have stronger partitions that the obviously unintegrated multiples. So strong that we can go our whole lives and never notice. It seems reasonable that in the entire space of possible human brain configurations, some adaptive configurations have the conscious self-narrative talky bit (since we never hear the stories of any part that doesn't both have access to the talk-y controls and doesn't want to tell stories about itself) fairly strongly and persistently partitioned off from other substantial and/or possibly-conscious parts, which do their roles silently, or at least without feeling the need to describe or explain or identify themselves.

[decodamalion]

Hello again Vari! Last time we spoke you mentioned more details about the elements of magic before you got pulled away. Do you have some time to explain that now?

Gods, finally. I'm sorry for the consistent interruptions. I should be free from my duties for a few days now. These preparations have been eating at me...

Ahem.. Anyway, sorry to keep your curiosity on edge for so long, my friend! Ah! He/Him today. Very well, My Lord. :D

Alright, so we talked about Magikas in general and the ranks of a Sorcerer but haven't gotten to the four types of magic yet.

I'll list every spell I know, including the ones I have yet to learn, which are actually just two.

Alright. First, something I must clear up. Casts and Conjures can vary. Casts can be Conjures and Conjures can be Casts. It all depends on what your Magikas have determines for you. Alright...

Let's start with the most common and by far, easiest to learn spell type. It also takes the longest to learn because it has the most spells in it.

The Physical spell type entails anything that has a physical affect on the world around you. You can manipulate the traits of items, objects and even Gaians and protect yourself rather well.

Clean: depending on your magikas, tou can touch a plant and only a leaf is cleaned or you can touch the wall of a house and the entire interior is cleaned.

Shield: a part of your skin will start to glow red. That area is now shielded.

Barrier: you generate either an entire dome of near indestructible strength or a chunk thereof

Infuse: you can take the smallest shard of someone's soul and infuse it into an object. The soul of the first master is infused into this medallion. Depending on how much soul you take, the weapons magical strength will be determined by this. Infuse allows the piece to seamlessly interact as normal.

Speed: a spell that allows you to move at astonishing speeds. Its a pretty good way to get fit.

Transform: this allows Gaians with a form that is from another realm to shift into a Gaian form and back.

Element: allows the user to create a small burst of any of the four basic elements.

Illusion: allows you to change the appearance of your body, or even an area if you are powerful enough. Your illusions are visible to everyone around it.

Track: is a spell that allows you to see wherever another person in the world is, only if you've marked them.

Mental magic is the next stage of magic type, in terms of difficulty of learning. This type allows your mind to manipulate aspects of the physical world around yourself, and the minds of others.

Mindspeak: allows you to speak to another person in their mind. You can hear their thoughts right after.the spell is cast. The amound of words spoken is limited to your Magikas.

Hover: allows you to float just off the ground or shoot into the.air for just a moment.

Other eyes: allows you to see.through the eyes of a person you are close to.

Tongues: allows you to understand any other language.

Mindscout: lets you read the mind of someone willing or unwilling. Detectability depends on Magikas. Length of the read does not.

Hold: allows you to hold and transport any item or person without physically picking it up.

Friend: helps you temporarily have someone think kindly of you. These people will never get hostile towards you while the spell is active. Length of time depends on Magikas.

Sleep: gives you the ability to put yourself or anyone else to sleep. How long it takes to take full effect depends on your magikas.

Light is the one most Sorcerers stop at, because it is quite difficult to get the hang of. The Light magic type is one that allows you to perform spells that repair, create and enlighten.

Brightness: allows you to create light from your own body or an object or point in space. The brightness depends on Magikas.

Clear: clears any spell cast upon a person instantly.

Heal: heals any wound. To what point it is healed depends on your magikas.

Look through: allows you to look into other dimentions for an amount of time determined by your Magikas.

Grow: grows any being able to do so at a speed controlled by the user. The spell is active for as long as your magikas allow it to be.

Stop: stops the growth or movement of any one object or being

Create: is the hardest to learn spell and allows you to create any small object able to fit in your palm. Durability of the object is determined by your magikas.

Darkness is by far the most difficult to learn or master magic type in existence. The only one who has true control of this type is Herross himself. This magic type allows you to inflict fear to minds and cloud them, hinder growth and in one case, even kill.

Shadow: steals the light from around you or an object and works the same as Brightness.

Shift: is a spell that allows the user to teleport to any location within the range of their Magikas.

Cloud: fills the mind with so much that it overwhelms the user or a target, rendering their spellcasting faltered.

Fear: inflicts fear into a person, the intensity is determined by your magikas.

Block: blocks all magical ability entirely until Clear is used.

Wound: creates a wound on any target, the severity of which is determined by your magikas from a scrape to a gash that cannot be placed above the collar bone unless forced by direct contact.

Decay: is the opposite of grow and slowly destroys a being or item of choice. Magikas treat it the same as Grow.

Extinguish: the most difficult spell to learn. Only the Gods have been able to learn this spell that grants the ability to kill anyone with a single word.

I would need to put together a little spellbook for you, if you'd like to dabble. Actually... we do have a portal to Osrow... I wonder if the Headmaster of Westeine would be open to accepting another student...?

That does depend on you, though. It takes a lot of dedication and a lot of time to learn magic. It's up to you, my friend.

Thank you so much for this conversation. Care to accompany to the gardens? I hear they serve the best tea. Their coffee is quite lovely too, according to Duke Alex.

[pixxiesdust]

Tempest’s Allure • Todoroki Shouto

Summary • When the skies open, Todoroki knows that he’ll find you dancing—a lethal, beautiful dance—in the rain.

Pairing • Todoroki Shouto x Reader

Word Count • 1.5k

Tags and Warnings • Pure fluff, pre-established relationship, characters are in class 3-A (18 years old).

Note • This is my second entry for @bnhabookclub​’s Hero Camp Bingo! The prompt is dance in the rain. Thank you to @hawks-senseis​, @prismaroyal​, and @samanthaa-leanne​ for betaing this fic!

more bingo fics here

–

Todoroki’s pencil scratches across his worksheets, flying through lines of English practice as his mind works to race through the next problem. He looks up and out the window in his dorm room to take in the dark clouds blotting out the afternoon sun, and quickly returns to his English homework. Although he always gets through his work at a relatively fast pace compared to his peers, the ominous sky makes him push himself to finish it faster.

After all, you’re about to put on a show that he wouldn’t miss for the world.

A flash of lightning streaks from the sky, spreading tendrils of bright light against a dark tapestry and vanishes into nothing at the blink of an eye.

The first raindrop of the oncoming storm hits Todoroki’s window with a tap. The bead of water hangs there, too small to move, trembling with tension.

Before the second droplet can join the first on the glass, Todoroki’s pencil clatters against his desk. He’s out of his chair and out the door, not even bothering to lock the slab of wood behind him.

His steps against the dorm hallways are unusually hurried.

As he rushes past the dorm’s living room where Midoriya, Uraraka, and Iida seem to be studying, he barely pauses as they call his name.

Midoriya looks to Uraraka with concerned eyes, but she only giggles and shouts, “Have fun, Todoroki!”

But she’s only speaking to air. Todoroki is already out the front door and into the rain.

–

The drops come down faster now, soaking into his clothes, the fabric contouring to the lines of his muscles.

He doesn’t care that the rain is a little cold and that the wind makes him even colder. Todoroki just slightly activates his quirk, and a flare of warmth covers his body, but his steps do not falter as he hurries to the training grounds.

He knows exactly where you are: training area B. It’s a dry, sandy arena that forces you to push your water manipulation quirk to its limits, and you’ve been there almost daily over the past couple of weeks.

But with the rain coming down in heavy torrents, the training ground wouldn’t be very dry after all.

That’s exactly what he’s looking forward to.

The training arena’s doors are soon before him, and Todoroki pushes them open without any hesitation.

The area is flat and the sandy ground has darkened because of the rain, but he pays little mind to those details.

They’re insignificant when compared to you.

–

When lightning strikes and thunder rumbles while you are training, you don’t retreat from the outside grounds like others probably would have. Instead, a wide smile spreads across your face, and the strain you’ve started to feel from using your quirk for hours disappears.

The first drop of rain falls from the sky. It doesn’t hit the ground. With one flick of your finger, it arcs through the air in an unnatural movement, until it lands on your skin and quickly disappears.

It’s cool and eases the aching feeling of your skin being too tight from dehydration—the result of starting to edge into the limits of your quirk.

As more droplets fall, you take control of them so they land on you, until the skies open and sheets of rain pelt your skin, soaking into your training clothes and into your hair. Rain rolls down your cheeks, tracing the lines of your face, dripping off your nose and chin. Some cling to your eyelashes, adorning them with sparkling spheres.

You welcome it.

Once you’re soaked to the bone, you start moving, activating your quirk to take control of the water that surrounds you. You pull rain together with a sweep of your hand. Drops coalesce into a shimmering mass of water, hovering in the air, despite the howling wind that battles you for control.

Then you put yourself through familiar moves. Though they’re normally for warming up and are languid, stretching motions, you have the added difficulty of maintaining your balance in the heavy wind, as well as controlling the water that you swirl around your body in time with the movement.

You settle down in a lunge. Your legs are stretched, low and grounded, but your focus is on the water that you pass from above your right hand to your left, then back to your right again.

Once your thigh starts to burn, as you pass the water to your left hand, you straighten up in one smooth movement, and settle back down into another lunge—this time on your other leg.

When the burn starts up again, you straighten once more, then start spinning in slow circles. Your body flows into each move, much like the water you control, from the circles to stretching up toward the sky, then sweeping your legs out in smooth motions before standing on them again.

Thunder rumbles as more rain falls, continuously adding water to the already large amount that you control. You finish your stretches, slowly dropping your arms down after holding them up to the sky.

The water, split into two large masses, rests under your palms.

You take a deep breath. Then another.

Though the sound of rain hitting the floor is nearly deafening, it fails to mask the sound of the training ground door opening.

Your muscles tense. You hold your breath.

Then the door shuts, your skin prickles as you feel silver and blue eyes on you, and you begin your dance.

–

You fling your arms out from your sides. The spheres of water that once rested beneath your palms fragment into thousands of droplets, scattering away from you, indistinguishable from the sheets of rain that fall from the sky.

Then you spin. You step on one leg as you pivot, then leap onto the other, gathering falling rain with your arms so it circles you like shimmery streamers, blurring your waist, your wrists, your ankles.

Three rotations later, you send the water away from you and it blends into the rain again.

Holding up your arms, palms facing away from your body, your fingers strain and your muscles grow taut as you concentrate.

And then–

–everything is still.

The only thing that moves are your shoulders as you work to draw in air with every breath. There’s no sound of rain hitting the damp floor of the training area, even though lightning flashes across the sky and thunder rumbles with an intensity that you can feel in your bones.

Millions of tiny spheres hover in place, despite the wind that howls against them and tugs at the fabric of your training clothes. The droplets gleam as lightning lights up their surface, scattering bits of light for a fraction of a moment where brightness streaks across dark clouds.

Todoroki is captivated by the magnificent demonstration of your power.

Then, with a twitch of your hand, the rain changes from round droplets into shards of ice, thin and narrow and pointed; needle-like; deadly.

The drop that had hovered by his right cheek turns into a lethal point. The tip of it pricks his skin—nearly, nearly bringing a drop of blood to the surface.

You turn your head to lock your eyes with his. Challenge sparks in your gaze, and your lips turn up in a smirk.

It’s a look of danger, of bloodshed, but Todoroki is drawn by your deadly allure.

“Care to dance, pretty boy?”

He lets a smirk spread across his own lips, a wordless acceptance of the gauntlet you’ve thrown before him.

You stare at each other for another moment.

Then Todoroki activates his quirk, throwing a wall of fire out in front of him. It melts the ice fragments and turns them into steam, clouding the arena as you take control of more water that plummets from the sky.

Your lethal dance begins once again—this time, with a more than willing partner.

–

Your skin is hot to the touch, and so is Todoroki’s, though the rain does a good job of cooling you back down. It also helps to wash the little smears of blood off your bodies, all gained from spikes of ice you threw at each other.

Though you’ve used your quirk to its limits, your muscles ache, and you’re slightly hunched over as you pant for breath, a smile settles on your face.

“You couldn’t stay away, could you?” you ask teasingly.

Todoroki is completely serious as he simply says, “No, I couldn’t.”

Your expression is soft as you look at him. You take one more deep breath before straightening up, and you stretch out your hand. Wiggling your fingers, you wait until he slips his hand into yours, and he intertwines his fingers with your own.

“C’mon, pretty boy, let’s go home.”

The skies continue to pour and the rain lashes against your skin, but you are so, so warm as you return to the dorms, hand in hand with the boy who danced with you in the rain—the boy you love.

[phantomato]

“You mentioned that there were familial conflicts that complicated this relationship, correct?” Pomona waited for his confirmation, sipping her second drink and tracing the knots in the tabletop with her finger. “Is it very bad?”

“The worst sort of family objections,” he said.

She hummed and thought for a moment. “Maybe the student is getting validation from you. You’re treating the relationship as normal and acceptable—” Tom made to argue this point, but she waved him off and shushed him, “—acceptable as a match, not acceptable to be shagging in a cupboard. And even then! You let them feel like all of their peers, whose biggest concern is being caught by one of us during their snog.” Pomona laughed gaily at this and her amusement was infectious; Tom smiled. Weakly, but he smiled.

“I would rather not,” he said flatly, suppressing his smile for an affected frown, and she laughed again that he was playing along.

“I haven’t been around long enough to see very many of these situations, but I know they happen.” Pomona’s giddiness faded slowly, and she returned to a more serious tone to fit her next thought: “There’s no real happy ending for couples like this. I know that teenagers are very fatalistic about romance, and most of these relationships shouldn’t last, anyway, but—it feels to them like the most serious thing in the world. It is!” She threw an arm up in the air in a wild gesture and a few other customers turned around to stare. “They’re young, and this might be the most significant decision in their lives so far. The ones who end their relationship aren’t doing so because they’re ready, and the ones who try to keep it going deal with the difficulty of a secret relationship as an adult, or they risk losing their family by going public.”

Her eyes narrowed briefly, and too late, Tom caught the direction of her thoughts.

“Your—”

“My relationship is not up for discussion, not even as a point of comparison,” he said tightly. “Students only, Pomona.”

Cover Letter, Ch. 2 [AO3]

Meta:

I can’t get through anything without bringing the focus back to blood and culture, can I?

Now that the companion piece in this universe featuring Tom’s relationship with his husband has been published, I can talk briefly about the parallels between Andromeda/Ted and Thoros/Tom, even if Tom would prefer not to have that conversation.

Both are mixed blood-status marriages. Both face familial difficulties for choosing that path. Is Tom‘s worry partially rooted in the experiences he faced in his personal life? Yes, most definitely. But the differences: gender, age, external factors, are all firmly against Andromeda and Ted. And poor Tom would just rather not know, rather not have to think about a student’s personal life at all.

It’s one of the most difficult parts of teaching! Students are whole-ass people, and an instructor has only limited qualifications to help address the parts of their personhood not related to their academics. Tom’s not even Andromeda’s instructor! She’s come to him because she connected with him. These are some of the most heartbreaking students to handle. They feel safe with you, and that safety is precious, but you might not have much power to do anything for them. Sometimes the best you can do is listen, be sympathetic, and direct them to an appropriate external resource on occasion. And none of that is, exactly, the job! It is and it isn’t, and in his first year, given everything that he is, Tom is absolutely going to be feeling overwhelmed by what Andromeda is (unconsciously) asking of him. No wonder he reaches out to a colleague for a sanity check and a sympathetic ear.

Next up: Andromeda is a seventh year, and Ted’s out of Hogwarts. It’s just her and Tom left.

[the-moon-prince]

The Last Of us~Kurapika x Reader ~Chapter V

AN: Hi my lovely fellows!

This chapter contains a mention of sexual abuse. I understand how hurtful this topic may be to a lot of people (me included). Likewise, I'll mark it at the start and the end, so you don't have to read it if you prefer. I made sure for people to be able to read the chapter without reading forcefully that part. I added this as a form of venting. I feel like it's an avoided topic, and it's my form to show support to other trauma survivors. This was made with the only intention to comfort. If something is bad written or harmful, please tell me. I also ask for your understanding if you plan on commenting, thank you very much!

I wish you a pleasant read, and I hope you’ll enjoy the new chapter of my story.  (Chapter I) (Chapter II) (Chapter III) (Chapter IV ) (Chapter VI coming soon!)

Paring: Kurapika Kurta x GN! Reader

Word count: 2 888

TW: Mentions of sexual abuse / Mentions of abuse ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) appeared more comfortable around Kurapika. Occasionally letting their ears escape while staying in the privacy of their houses.

But there was still something mysterious about (Y/n). Some of what they didn't say. Kurapika was filled with doubts and fears because of that. He pondered scenarios, each one worse than the other. Are they lying to me? Maybe they're in some kind of danger or distress. Creating a vicious and unhealthy cycle in Kurapika's spirit. 

The two were patient in the relationship, neither comprehending fully how to give or receive affection. But despite the time they had been together, (Y/n) seemed resistant to accept fondness. Particularly physical. They had never tried to hold hands. When Kurapika attempted it, they recoiled in alarm more than once. In the few hugs they had given each other, (Y/n) shivered. Loud noises made them shake and jump, and they hand a list of tics as sudden shaking chills or protectively shrugging shoulders. Kurapika could understand that, he had tics as well. But his partner seemed triggered by his touch. They continued to be protective of their eyes. It was normal they didn't meet his eyes often, however, they tried to hide her eyes whenever they looked more cat-like.

~

Suspicions of his beloved being at risk grew bigger. He didn't want to, he couldn't permit himself to lose someone else. What kind of cruel mockery of life would be that, when finally there was someone like him-Someone who understood and supported him-was erased from this plane. The idea that these funny tail and ears weren't going to survive grieved Kurapika. The plausibility of not seeing those (curly/wavy/messy/straight) (hair/color) strands nevermore haunted him. Undoubtedly, it didn't end there. Fury consumed him when he conceived the idea of someone injuring more further a being so humane, kind hearted, and compassionate as (Y/n). Hadn't both of them grieved enough? But what they were suffering, adding would be disastrous.

Yet, (Y/n) didn't utter a single word regarding the matter.

~

Kurapika entered a state of fright. At that limit, he needed at the very least to know what was going on. He showed up that night at (Y/n)'s residence, knowing that they had no guard at the hospital and that they would be there. He had a spare key and wasn't abnormal to simply arrive at the other's place. Either of them had the habit of picking phone calls or answering messages.

Except for the scene he arrived at was abnormal.

He saw (Y/n) from behind sitting on the floor, a thing they never did, and if anything was remarkable about them, it was how strict they were with their customs. They had their elbows leaning on the coffee table, looking down at something. They did not react upon his arrival. (Y/n) never missed a noise, even less the one of a door opening. Yet, they remain immobile as if the lives of the universe depended on them staying frozen in place. Kurapika approached them. To see that there was a call in progress on their phone resting upon the table. (Y/n) did not dare to see the phone directly. Their hands held their head by the forehead, their gaze hidden behind their (curls/waves/strands). Just as Kurapika opened his mouth to speak, a female voice came from the phone's speaker-"So you won't answer me?"-silence again-" My baby... I know you think I broke you..."-the voice was sweet and honeyed, full of compassion"-Who could that woman possibly be? Why did she address (Y/n) like that, what did she mean by "break". Kurapika craved to question (Y/N) what, for love for his clan, was happening. He was relucted from doing so, he could perhaps extract information from the person on the other end of the line, taking advantage of the fact that she believed that (Y/n) was alone.-"But that's not true! I didn't do anything, my love. You were born broken, your demoniac eyes are the proo-" (Y/n) abruptly cut the call before the sentence finished. They didn't turn to see Kurapika, despite knowing he was beside them. 

Kurapika had his breakpoint. "What's happening (Y/n)?! Who was that?! You can't keep things as such from me?! Do you understand that?!"-he started to scold, raising his voice. His eyes would look scarlet if it weren't for the contacts he was wearing at the moment. Someone else knew about (Y/n) identity. Who can say such atrocities? On top, with such a sound and sweet voice, it was twisted. She was talking about their eyes. Did she want them? Was she behind (Y/n)'s eyes? All these questions flooded incessantly in Kurapika's mind. (Y/n) hid upthrusting their shoulders and covering their face with their hands, their whole figure was shaking. They drew their ears back and adhered the tail to their body, probably changed on instinctual reaction.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"-(Y/n) started to lament, voice quivering. Their breaths were heavy as if it were inhumanly tough to keep breathing. Whoever the other person was, were bad enough to provoke a position of panic on (Y/n).   Kurapika knew that and seeing that getting angry only seemed to affect the feeble trembling figure in front of him, he decided to calm down. He was greatly concerned that someone he esteemed as highly as (Y/n) was in that position. It was not wise to let his humor aggravate things. 

He lowered himself to their level and sat down next to them. He raised his hand to stroke their hair. As soon as the tips of his fingers touched the (curls/waves/bangs/strands) he heard a heavy "Don't!" and backed up his hand.-"It's alright. I'm not touching you. Still, I require you to explain to me what happens. Who was that woman?" Besides offering physical contact, Kurapika had no distinct idea how he could comfort (Y/n). He felt frustrated and powerless.

"My mum."-they whimpered, (Y/n) was distressed although not crying. Not a single tear came out during all that night. Kurapika no longer understood.

"Weren't your parents deceased?"- He felt that they had lied to him, and it sure bothered him that he kept that from him. But this was not the time to discuss that part.

"No, my family is dead..."-(Y/n) began to breathe more calmly. They readjusted, moving their hands away from their faces to hold their arms. "They did not raise me. My grandparents did. When my grandad got ill and died I left to study. They always lived far away." -(Y/n) didn't look at Kurapika at any time. They kept their gaze at a standstill. Nevertheless, he could notice that their pupils were very dilated, reminding him of the stare of a scared soaked cat.

"What did she mean by break you?"-he continued trying to maintain a moderate voice. He was somehow scared to hear the answer. It would hurt to know that someone hurt (Y/n).

"I wasn't the legal age. Someone had to take my guard when my grandfather died."-Their face stayed still in a sober expression.

"Did they hurt you?"- He felt progressively more scared and worse.

"It's not important. I don't believe it's something you desire to know." -Even with everything happening, (Y/n) refused to speak. How could they be so obstinate?

"(Y/n), this cannot continue. I require to know. You are not delusional, you know you have to tell me."-Kurapika got a heavy sigh.

"They never loved me, you know? I was never certain why. I tried my best. Maybe they were expecting a human... Maybe they blamed me for their separation...Perhaps they were disappointed to learn that I have a disability."- Kurapika didn't know that (Y/n) could have a difficulty, they never mentioned any medical condition. He would ask about that a little further. They were finally discussing if he interrupted now, possibly the opportunity will not present again.-"I spent most of my time in the university's boarding. Only I wasn't allowed to stay on vacation, so I would go home. Sometimes they put a muzzle on me so I wouldn't bite - although I never bit anyone. They put an electric collar on me once. I guess they were scared of me. "It's for your good because we love you, and you have to behave. Good kitties don't scratch and don't bite." my mother told me. They believed it to be true. They did many things to me under that pretext..."-They stopped there. Still having something to say, but not wanting to.

(WARNING: MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE AHEAD)

"Did they... something else to you?"-Kurapika asked again. At that point, he was not surprised (Y/n) never mentioned their parents and did not consider them family. His anger was replaced by compassion. Expecting the worst.

"Yes."- there was the resistance again.

"What did they do?"-(Y/n) made a little movement with their head still hesitant.

"My mother did. She told me she had to check I was okay. Because I was not like other children..."-They lowered their gaze. Kurapika felt a chill. Neither of them was foolish, they knew what was to come. (Y/n) shrugged even more and started to play with their (color) hair -"It happened more than once, I don't remember precisely how many, but more than once for sure. She ordered me to... take off my clothes and... to lay down. It was unpleasant. For a long... for a very long time, I... I denied it. I told myself that she was an adult... that she knew better. If I doubted a bit more... If I weren't so naive... I would have done things differently, you know?"

(END OF THE MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE)

Kurapika felt horrible. It felt awful seeing someone he loved so much like this, someone innocent who didn't deserve anything of what happened. For the first time, he didn't know what to say. He had no idea how to act. It was something he did not understand.-"And the rest of your family? You couldn't ask other Uniliums for help?" he probed, wanting to understand their circumstances. 

"I tried. I ran away twice. They discovered me at the first try. Two adults facing a 9-year-old child. They clearly gave me the beating of my life.

The following was 4 years after, more prepared. When I returned to our community, I found out that they got butchered not long ago."-(Y/n) lamented. It was probably what ached most of all. That they got that tiny hope and comfort taken away. -"I'm convinced if they had known, they would have helped and appealed to my favor. I concentrated on my studies in the faith to forget. It was also my opening to escape. I like my career, you know? Although my father told me during the 10 years it lasted that it was disappointing and worthless."-they added with a trembling smile. Those were the two details that provided them any comfort.

"Why didn't you tell me any of that?"- Kurapika asked once more. 

(Y/n) raised their shoulders.-"I don't know. I was scared and ashamed. I was afraid that you would hate me. Perhaps I imagined you would be disappointed in me."-They were conscious that it was not a rational fear. But it was stronger than them.

"How could I hate you? It wasn't your fault."-He comforted. Full of regret for what happened-"It was not your responsibility at any time."

"I know... Though, still, sometimes I wonder if it was. Even acknowledging that it is a lie." (Y/n) sniffled without shedding any tears.

"They won't do a single thing to you, ever again. I'm present now, and I'll make sure they don't put a finger on you. You are safe. Okay?"-The blonde man secured.

"Thank you."-They smiled again. Many would have said it was the same smile. But for Kurapika it was different. This time it was a touch more melancholic than usual, but there was a side of profuse relief. They relaxed and their ears were forward, symbolizing more relaxed humor. 

"It's impressive you succeed the Hunter exam possessing a physical disability." It was Kurapika's crafty way of questioning the subject.

"It was quite difficult. I was born with a respiratory condition, so I cannot develop many physical abilities. I am not physically powerful and I have restricted time to run. I depend greatly on my ability Nen and my wits. However, I won't allow that to stop me. Nobody tells me what I am capable of or not."-(Y/n) bragged. They could be proud. Even with that disadvantage, they had come a long way. That night Kurapika was aware of how strong his companion was. It didn't seem like it, at no time did any of the people who saw (Y/n) imagine all this side of them. After so much, they stayed strong-minded and sweet. They were truly brave. They were both survivors after all. They had both succeeded to get so far despite all the grief. And they both held pride in that. For Kurapika, the fact that (Y/n) had a more sensitive and altruistic side did not make them weak. Of course, they were qualities disapproved among several Hunters.

However, no other hunter held him during his afflicted moments. He could be vulnerable with (Y/n), and he was safe with them.

"Can you remain with me tonight, please?"

Kurapika didn't expect that request.

It was the first time one of them stayed overnight in the other's place. They had stayed really late together, but they didn't stay until the next morning. Plus, knowing how reserved (Y/n) could sometimes be, he assumed they would favor time alone following such an intense experience. Nevertheless, there was something so personal and vulnerable about that request. Kurapika felt the immense desire to stay and protect them.

"Of course."-He couldn't help but use a soft tone.

During all that conversation (Y/n), although exhibited fear, did not manifest weakness at any time. They stayed dignified without losing control.

"Can we lay down, please? I feel a bit tired."-they called after a moment of silence. Their voice resonated dull and tired.

"We can do whatever you desire."- Kurapika smiled at them, his only preoccupation at that instant was to ensure the well-being of the person he treasured, and their head started to bob. (Y/n) slowly nodded and got up. They silently asked him to follow them and padded to their chamber. 

It was the first time that Kurapika entered their bedroom as well. It was fairly more adorned. It had a relatively big bed, with light cloths and a  fluffy (color) colored bedspread. Without neglecting its childish side, it was full of stuffed animals of all kinds, colors, and sizes. Several shelves were overflowing with books. Shelving with toys and cute figures, alongside a record player and a cloth case with music records was also in the room. Next to the bed was a stool with a lamp and a framed photo. The apartments had their private bathroom, on which (Y/n) entered. Kurapika sat on the bed- or in the space left without stuffed animals- and waited. No longer than 15 minutes should have passed before (Y/n) came out with slightly wet hair, and a matching (color) pajama shorts and shirt. Kurapika didn't identify the exact scent at the time, but they smelled good, familiar. (Y/n) took the stuffed animals and arranged them as best they could on an individual loveseat.

"I apologize for this disorder."-they pointed to the bathroom door.-"There is the other toilet, so you can use it whenever you desire. I have each item, please serve yourself."-They laid on the left side of the bed and rested their head on the puffy pillow.

Kurapika merely laid down next to them, not too close. He was uncertain if it was correct to hug them or stay near. (Y/n) arranged the beddings covering the two. They smelled identical at them.

"Kurapika..."-an reluctant voice called his name.

"Yes?"-It felt strange, being in that place that, until then, seemed confidential. But it wasn't unpleasant at all.

"May I hug you?"-The request was bashful and quiet.

He thought of just opening his arms but preferred to give a vocal response as well.-"Of course you may."

(Y/n) approached him steadily. They proceed to timidly embrace him, after their arms were wrapped around him, they snuggled their face on him.-"You're warm... I feel ... comfortable ... with you. Which is bizarre. I don't feel secure with anyone since I was 6 years old."

Kurapika held them protectively. He felt profoundly touched by that strangely honest statement. He attempted to affectionately stroke their (curls/waves/locks). They allowed it.-"I love you (Y/n)."-He couldn't think about anything else he wanted them to know.

"I adore you, Kurapika." 

(Y/n) ultimately permitted themselves to be vulnerable with Kurapika too. It felt good. It was good for them to have someone so strong to have their backs and accompany them.

They could hold each other.

[random-mha-thoughts]

Name (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x fem!Reader

Anon asked: “suggestion for Todoroki angst : he got in an arranged marriage with S/O because of his dad who offered a large amount of money to her family for this. Indeed it’s not what they are both looking for but Todoroki really acts cold, is sharp, openly criticizes her (a bit OOC ik) ... S/O is hurt but is still trying to be a good wife around the house to make the best of the situation and hide her insecurities. It’s just an idea, if it does not inspire you I hope you will find something better!! xx

Genre: Angst. Just...angst. I’m so sorry in advance plz don’t hate me

Warnings: Grab your tissues, this is a long roller coaster that’s only going downhill OH GOD I’M SO SORRY

Word count: 3,059

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ 

a/n: (Submission 1/3 for my post asking for todo angst ideas!  Thanks for the ask anon!)

Um. This is...depressing.  Really depressing and really intense.  I didn’t expect it would turn out this way.  But it did.  I had 2 other endings, but I instinctively wrote this one.  I actually had to stop and cry for a few minutes because it was just really painful I mean, I know I said I was ready to but I didn’t actually mEAn it

I tried a different style for this, but I think it suits the story well.  It’s 3rd person limited because I wanted you to experience everyone’s feelings in this (gotta maximize on the angst yknow) and half past tense bc of reasons you’ll find out.

God I’m afraid to post this. Is it bad that I love it, I honestly spent so much time writing this, but it hurts sO mUch?? Y’all are gonna hate me, you’re gonna kill me, oh no, just read the thing already, I’m hiding.

Buy me a coffee?

Shoto didn't know how to react to the news.  It's not that he had his eye on anyone in particular, or that he was even interested in marriage for that matter.  But because he proposed it, the man who had spent his entire childhood controlling every aspect of his life, he refused to accept any other intrusions from the man he should call "father."

The strange man across from his father spoke those words so casually.  "So Endeavor, when are these two tying the knot?"

At first, he thought he had misheard or misunderstood.  And then his father responded just as casually, "The date is set for next month."

The normally calm and collected boy almost burst the entire room into flames.  He clenched the silverware so hard his knuckles turned white and his teeth ground together, but he couldn't say anything in front of his father's guest and his daughter for fear of shaming himself.  The girl across from him offered a sympathetic look, but he turned away, already preparing the earful he's going to give his father.

-

"I want nothing to do with this!" he whirled on Endeavor as soon as they were home.  "You've made my life a living hell controlling every single thing!  And now you even want to control my marriage?!"

"I'm doing this for you!" Endeavor bellowed right back.  "For the Todoroki name!  For your future!"

"This is all for you!  I want no part-!"

"If you don't agree, you'll never see your mother or the siblings again."

The calm threat was enough to drench Shoto's wrath into submissive fear.  The flaming monster in front of him proved once again that he hasn't an ounce of sympathy for his blood.  He's learned that family is the only thing keeping his son under his thumb and he still actively exploits that weakness.

All the boy can do is swallow and walk away, retreating to the outside world to escape his bitter reality even temporarily.  Shoto doesn't have outbursts often, but there are times when the straw finally breaks the camel's back, and this is one of them.  All he can do is run until he can't run anymore, reaching somewhere secluded enough where he can burst out in flames and ice without hurting anyone, finally getting to a forest where he can do exactly that and scream to his heart's content.  It's the only thing he can do that is under his own control.

In the month that followed up to the wedding, Shoto barely spoke a word to anyone, choosing to isolate himself.  He only came out when he absolutely had to show his face at functions to the bride's family and look presentable.  His mind was always absent, the time flying in a blur of colors and white.  Thankfully, his father did the preparations, so all he had to do was go along with everything.  Shoto was simply playing a role in a play or movie, he was an actor who deserved an award for being in character for a month.

The night of the wedding, he and his newly-wedded wife were whisked away to their new home, being alone for the first time together.  He didn't even know what she looked like nor did he care.  As soon as they walked through the door of their already-furnished house, he released a heavy breath, brushed past her, unbuttoned his tuxedo, and - cold as his ice quirk - instructed, "I'm going to bed.  Don't come up tonight."  It was the first time he had ever spoken directly to her.

His wife, through this entire ordeal, was patient with him.  She didn't want this arrangement either, but she figured they could at least talk and come to a mutual agreement.  The entire month, she never pushed him to speak to her.  She anticipated that he would be rational about this, as she was told by her family, and that they would be able to talk things over when they were finally alone.  Just as she was going to speak her mind the way she had rehearsed it many times, he dismissed her.  She was hurt, but she understood.  He's exhausted after a whole month of stress and preparations, she rationalized, He just wants to rest.  I wouldn't want to talk to a stranger after all that either.

Resolving to try again tomorrow morning, she undressed (with great difficulty), crept into the master bedroom for her clothes while Shoto showers, retrieved her pajamas quietly, and retreated back to the living room.  The girl searched all the closets for a thick enough blanket and settles down to sleep on a couch, the exhaustion putting her right to sleep.

The next morning, the new Mrs. Todoroki woke up bright and early to make breakfast for her husband as an olive branch.  She toiled away in the kitchen, somewhat making a racket even though she wanted to stay quiet so Shoto can sleep.  Just as she finished setting the table and had to face the question of how to wake him, the boy padded down from the room.

"Oh, morning!" she smiled brightly at him.

He murmured a greeting back only to be polite, his face devoid of any real emotions other than coldness.  He sat as far away from her a possible, thanking her for the meal halfheartedly and digging in without another word.

After waiting a few moments to let him satisfy his hunger, she cleared her throat.  "So, um-"

"Your tamagoyaki needs more soy sauce and butter," he stated bluntly.

She blinked at the harsh comment.  It was shocking he said anything to her at all, and the first thing he said was an insult.

"And the miso has no flavor," he continued in the same tone.

The girl finally gathered her wits.  "I'll do better tomorrow.  Thanks for the feedback, I guess?" she laughed nervously, trying to erase the immense tension Shoto bled into the atmosphere.  When he didn't respond, she tried again.  "I know this isn't something either of us wanted, but that doesn't mean we have to live here like enemies.  We could be friends, or even just roommates!"

"I'd rather be strangers," he interjected harshly.

It felt like a stab in the heart.  Here she was, trying to make their lives somewhat bearable together through their common misfortune, and all he wanted to do was live like ghosts in the same house.

Shoto placed his chopsticks down firmly, glaring her straight in the eyes with the iciest hatred she's ever seen.  "Just to be clear, I want no part of you.  You live your life and I live mine.  You can have the bedroom to sleep at night if you want, but it's mine when I come home to shower and prepare for bed.  We will not sleep, talk, or breathe near each other as long as we are in this house."

She dipped her head in defeat, unable to bear the weight of his stare.  "C-Can we at least have our meals together?" she asked feebly.

It's something he respected, coming from family values no matter how broken.  It's the only exception he made to their less-than relationship.

Months passed and she kept her end of the bargain through a suffocating routine.  At first, the girl was kind, trying to get him to open up to her somehow without overstepping her boundaries.  She made excuses for him constantly.  He's just tired.  The least I can do is leave him alone.  I can't comfort him anyway, I'm a stranger.  He's still upset about the whole thing, he'll come around.  She even begged her boss to let her leave a little early every day to make sure she had ample amount of time to get home, shower, and prepare dinner before Shoto returned.  When he did, he wordlessly showered, sat down to dinner, nitpicked at her cooking, finished eating, and went to sleep on the living room couch, all without even sparing her a glance.

But as every day passed, she grew more weary and worn in her efforts to please him.  She tried to fix every little complaint Shoto had about her cooking or the cleanliness of the house or the laundry, but nothing seemed to satisfy him.  She tried to hold onto the silver lining.  At least he never touched me wrong or took advantage of me, she would think bitterly.  He has the decency not to take his anger out on me.

Then the dark thoughts closed in as he continued ignoring her. Surely, Shoto's only disgusted with his father, he doesn't harbor hatred for her personally.  Then she would remember the hate and disgust in his mismatched eyes the first day of their marriage.  She realized no matter how desperately she tried, he wouldn't show her any signs of warmth or appreciation.  No more did she try to make conversation with him during meals or greet him when he came home.  There were days she thought, Why should I even try?  He wouldn't like it either way.  What's the point of getting up today?  Maybe he'll even criticize how I sleep.  But she still rose out of bed every morning and carried out her routine because it could always be worse.

A sliver of hope came in the form of Shoto's birthday.  The girl figured if she did something just a little special, he would acknowledge her even the tiniest bit.  She spent days beforehand researching and testing out the perfect cold soba recipe because she knew it was his favorite.  She lit some candles on the table and bought a small cake for them to share.

When he came home, she was sure he would notice and say something, but he didn't; he went straight up to the bathroom as he usually did without a word.  Though she felt the glimmer lessen in her heart, she didn't give up.  For the first time in a while, she verbalized her thoughts to him.

"I made your favorite for your birthday!" she chirped as he sat down, setting the plate and a cup of dipping sauce in front of him.  She was so eager for him to try it because she was confident she'd gotten it right this time.  If she were a dog, her tail would've wagged in anticipation as he slurped the noodles into his mouth.  She waited patiently for his feedback, leaning forward in excitement as he swallowed.

"The noodles are slightly overcooked.  And the dipping sauce is too strong, you didn't add enough water."

Her hopes came crashing to a halt.  She couldn't even muster anything else to say as he hastily finished his dinner and rose to leave.

She stood up, heart hammering in her chest.  "What about the cake?"  Anything, something!

"I don't want it."  He turned his back to her.

"I got it for you!"  It was the first time she explicitly stated her intentions, the first time she made herself vulnerable.

"You shouldn't have gotten it at all.  It was a waste of time.  Why did you even try?"  The calm and cold words stung her as he got up and left her in the dining room alone.

His words echoed against the empty walls of the dining room.  She looked down at the cake he disregarded, feeling cold and dizzy.  She took a shaky breath in and out before resting her head on the cold glass table to stabilize herself.  The voice stabs through her even as she closed her eyes to block them out.

It was then she felt bluntly in her mind.  He hates me.  

-

The girl feels nothing but numbing cold, both on her face and inside.  Rolling up to sit, her neck and back cry out in soreness from sleeping on the table, pale light greeting her from the nearby window.  Her face feels strange, and she trudges to the bathroom mirror to check why.  She knows she should be preparing for work, but what's the point?  Her reflection reveals lines across her cheek, probably from sleeping on the edge of the table.  She shuffles to the kitchen because she should probably start breakfast, but why should she?  Leaning against the counter, she can't bring herself to move anywhere.  Her brain buffers as she tries to force herself to think of what to do now.  She doesn't feel sick, but there's a dull, cool feeling in her limbs that she can't face.

The phone rings, catching her off guard.  Glancing at the number, she doesn't hesitate to answer.  "Hello?"

"Hi, baby.  It's me."

Her eyebrows relax, appreciating the sound of a familiar voice.  "Hey, Mom.  What's up?"  She knows her voice sounds weak, she's hoping the woman can't hear it.

"I'm just checking in, you haven't called in a while.  Is something up?  You don't sound good."

"I'm...fine," she stumbles over the word.  "How's dad?"

"He's doing well.  You sure you're not sick, sweetie?"

"I'm not."  She leans her back on the counter.

"Is Shoto there?  How is he?"

And just like that, she feels something dislodge in her throat.  "He's going to work, he probably left early."  She doesn't know, there hasn't been any rustling in the house.

Her mom is silent for a while.  "Tell me the truth.  What happened?"

The sound of her mother's stern voice moves something in her chest.  "It's nothing, I just made a mistake."

"Doing what?"

"I tried making Shoto's favorite dish for his birthday yesterday.  I put so much time and energy into perfecting it for him to enjoy it, but I fell short again."  She laughs bitterly, tears starting to fill her eyes.  "He didn't even want the cake I got for him, he said it was a waste.  I shouldn't have bothered with it."  She blinks and a tear slides down her face.  "I don't know why I was expecting something different to happen, I'm so stupid."

"Honey, where is this coming from?  What's going on?"

She wipes her face, but more spill out of her eyes as she slides down the cabinet onto the cold floor.  "It's just a little frustrating when you're sharing a house with someone you're married to and they barely acknowledge you.  I mean, I expected there to be problems at first given the circumstances, but I didn't expect this."  Her voice shakes with every word.  "God, what did I do to deserve this?  I've lived in this house for 5 months, and never has he even said 'thank you' to me.  Hasn't breathed a word of appreciation to me.  I do so much for him.  I've bent over backwards for him just to make everything done the way he wants it, I've worked my entire routine, my entire life in this house to cater to him, but all he does is complain!"  She sobs into the phone, curling up into a ball as tremors wrack through her body.  "I'm just so tired.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I've made so many excuses for him, but I just can't do anything right.  Why am I even still here?"

Her mother is silent on the other line.  "My baby, if I knew this would happen, I wouldn't have allowed this marriage.  I can't believe you're going through this."

The girl can't formulate words or think anything coherent.  She drops the phone out of her hand, wrapping her legs to her chest as the tremors continue in waves, muffled whimpers the only thing escaping her lips because she's afraid to cry out loud despite being in an empty, lonely house.

-

Shoto heard something he probably shouldn't have, but he definitely needed to hear.  It bothered him for the rest of the day.  It was a sobering slap in the face that made him feel shame and regret, a hard-to-swallow pill that sat in his stomach the entire day.

On his way back home, the sound of her sobs echoes in his mind.  He curses his behavior from the past few months.  At the very least, he made a lady cry, and at the most, he's been a complete asshole.  It's all his fault, that is something he's completely aware of and is ready to take full responsibility for.  All this time, he was stupidly neglecting her out of spite for his father, but he broke her in the process.  He's angry that he had to hear her crying to realize that.  The only thing he can do now is hurry home to profusely apologize for what he's done and hope they can start over new and she forgives him, which he's prepared for her not to do.

Honestly, he deserves all the hate from her that he's shown her.  After everything she's done for him and all the effort she's put into their imbalanced relationship, he wouldn't be surprised if she yelled at him and called him all sorts of names.

Shoto walks through the door, the atmosphere different.  The house is quiet as usual, but it's more eerie than he remembers, as if that means anything with how aloof he was.  He slips into the bedroom and changes quickly, returning back to the quiet dining room where his dinner waits for him at his place.

He tentatively sits and spares a quick glance at the girl who's supposed to be his wife.  Her eyes are still puffy and she's tugging at her sleeves.  It seems she's avoiding him and he was avoiding her before.  He questions how things should start.   When is the right time to speak his piece.  Would she listen to him now?  He decides to take a bite first and chews slowly.  I guess a 'thank you' is a good place to start-

"We're getting a divorce."

He stops suddenly, almost choking.

"You don't owe me anything, and I don't want anything from you."  She isn't looking at him, voice calm and collected.  "Besides, it's better this way since it's what you wanted."  She rises from her seat smoothly.  "I've already packed for the next few nights.  I'll have some workers come in the following weeks to clear out the rest, and the papers will be delivered promptly."  Her footsteps recede from the room.

Shoto turns around to call out to her, and his minds comes up blank.

He never even bothered to remember her name.

~

Sequel?

Sequel!

[divinelydeanna]

The Shadow

Time and time again, we may find ourselves turning down a dark road of emptiness, and self sabatoge.

 All experience /shadow work, suffering, addictions, is to make the unconscious conscious, and guide us to dive deep into new somatic territory, open new neurological pathways, to create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy.. 
 
Awareness and proper framing of what's going on is crucial.
The 'Psychic Winds of Change' blow through our Minds can be crazy fast and volatile , and at any moment may not be showing any signs of slowing down just yet. 

Exploring Unchartered territory , spiritual healing modalities, can open new neurological pathways , create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy if we are willing to do the work. Otherwise it is spiritual bypassing. 


We all have demons inside us. Every day, we fight against them – sometimes we lose, sometimes we win.

These demons haunting us can be seen either in small glimpses or in full chaos. And because of our guilt and shame, we tend to ignore and bury them.

We think that they should stay hidden because they cannot and should not exist in our conscious self. The society tells us to focus on the good things like love and light, but never the darkness or shadow.

However, when we focus only on the “light”, it doesn’t reach to the depths of our being. It just feels like superficially hanging on a warm and fuzzy thing.

“Positive thinking is simply the philosophy of hypocrisy – to give it the right name. When you are feeling like crying, it teaches you to sing. You can manage if you try, but those repressed tears will come out at some point, in some situation. There is a limitation to repression. And the song that you were singing was absolutely meaningless; you were not feeling it, it was not born out of your heart.” – Osho

Inside every one of us are darker problems that exist. In order to touch the very depths of our being, we must be ready to explore our buried self through shadow work.

Here are the basic things you need to know about shadow work:

Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. – Steve Wolf

First, we must define what is a “shadow”.

In the field of psychology, a shadow is a term used to refer to the parts within us that we may try to hide or deny. The name was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung.

It comprises of the aspects of our personality that we tend to deem shameful, unacceptable, ugly. It can be envy, jealousy, rage, lust, desire for power or the wounds incurred in childhood – all of those we keep hidden. Jung believes that when the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to sabotage our lives. Repressing or suppressing one’s shadow can result in addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”– Carl Jung

You can learn to identify and work with your shadow self so that you can reach your goals and live your best life.

For many people, denying their inner self is the path they usually choose, but as you’ll see here, we are big fans of accepting who you really are and working with that, while choosing strategic thoughts and emotions in order to continue to move forward. Transformation, which so many of us are looking for, does not come from a place of denial. It comes from a place of acceptance. While you might not think it is possible to find your way to the “dark side” and come out a better person, we are here to tell you, it is.

“Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.” – Carl Jung

Here are 8 ways to practice shadow work:

1. Believe you are worthy and that things will get better

The first step in overcoming your shadow self and taking back your life is to acknowledge that you are worthy of good things.

When we are feeling low it is easy to continue to feel that way. Humans have an uncanny ability to feel sorry for themselves, and sometimes that is all we want to do and it serves its purpose.

But sometimes, that self-pity takes hold of us and makes it very difficult for us to get out of the rut and get back to our normal routines, or even better, our best self.

The key is learning to love yourself.

However, in this day and age practicing self love is hard.

Why?

Because society conditions us to find ourselves through our relationships with others. That the true path to happiness and fulfillment is to find love with someone else

I recently came to understand that this is an extremely unhelpful standard.

People living regular lives

What I discovered is that the relationship I have with myself is mirrored in my relationship with others. Therefore, it was very important for me to develop a better relationship with myself.

“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”

2. Pay attention to the emotions you feel

No emotions are bad.

Our negative emotions are portals into the shadow. They help us determine our wounds and fears.

When you feel an emotion, take a minute to examine it. Ask yourself the following questions:

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling this?

Wait for answers.

Don’t be frustrated if the answers do not come right away. Sometimes, the answers need time to be found and you’ll know it.

Never force answers and jump into conclusion because they might be the wrong ones. Shadow work is considered soul work and it happens on its own timeline. Just be patient and know that in time, the answers will come.

This steps simply means to accept what comes up for you, when it comes up, and acknowledge that you are an emotional being that may, from time to time, find it difficult to manage your emotions.

If you are working to tame your shadow self, then you’ll be paying attention to these moments so that you can stay with them, rather than try to run from them.

So many people simply want to feel better in the moments where we feel the greatest amount of discomfort, but if we can stay with our emotions, name them and be grateful for them, we can overcome them and move on to better things.

The better life is not created by not experiencing those emotions, but by experiencing all of them with gratitude.

RELATED: I was deeply unhappy…then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching

3. Identify the shadow

Our shadows are located in our subconscious. We buried them there that’s why it’s tricky to identify it.

n order to perform shadow work, we need to identify the shadow. The first step is to become aware of the recurrent feelings that you always feel. Identifying these patterns will help highlight the shadow.

Some common shadow beliefs are:

I am not good enough.

I am unloveable.

I am flawed.

My feelings are not valid.

I must take care of everyone around me.

Why can’t I just be normal just like others?

4. Investigate your feelings objectively and with compassion

t’s hard to do shadow work objectively and with compassion. It’s easier to investigate and blame other people why you end up that way.

On the other hand, understanding why the people who hurt you acted in a particular way is hard to accept. But in order to heal ourselves, we must forgive those who hurt us in order to move on.

Try to navigate that they did the best they could do at that time or were simply acting from their own wounds.

It’s also easy to feel bad about yourself for having these negative feelings. But there’s no reason to feel bad. We all experience negative emotions. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

It’s important to accept our negative emotions and be okay with them.

According to philosopher Alan Watts, Carl Jung was the kind of man who could feel something negative and not be ashamed about it:

“[Jung] was the sort of man who could feel anxious and afraid and guilty without being ashamed of feeling this way. In other words, he understood that an integrated person is not a person who has simply eliminated the sense of guilt or the sense of anxiety from his life – who is fearless and wooden and kind of sage of stone. He is a person who feels all these things, but has no recriminations against himself for feeling them.” – Alan Watts

5. Focusing on your breathing

How much attention do you pay to the way you breathe?

If you’re like most people, then probably not a lot. We usually just let our body do the job and completely forget about it.

I think this is one of our biggest mistakes.

Because when you breathe, you produce energy for your body and psyche. This has a direct connection to your sleep, digestion, heart, muscles, nervous system, brain and mood.

But the quality of your breathing doesn’t depend only on the quality of the air — it depends much more on how you breathe.

That’s why many spiritual traditions pay so much attention to breath. And focusing on your breathing is a key technique they use to help people explore, and ultimately conquer, their shadow self.

6. Explore the shadow

Psychologists use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves. It is because art is a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Here are some ways to express the shadow:

Journaling

When you write, it allows you to feel emotions and empty your head of the thoughts rumbling around. It’s like magic – even when you write thoughts that have no sense. Just write whatever comes to mind because you can’t do it wrong.

Write a letter

Write a letter to yourself or to those who hurt you. You don’t have to actually send the letter, just let all your feelings out.

Tell the person in mind what you feel and why you feel it. Writing a letter will validate yourself and your emotions. You can burn the letter after you write it as a symbolic release.

Meditate

In meditation, we gain insights about why we feel certain ways. It helps us understand and objectively delve deeper about our emotions, then allow ourselves to heal.

One example is forgiveness meditation. You can picture a person who hurt you in your mind and say, “May you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be free of suffering.”

Recommended reading: A spiritual master explains why you can’t meditate properly (and what to do instead)

Feel

You will never heal unless you allow yourself to face the emotion you’re scared of. So explore them, write about them and make art out of them.

To experience yourself as a whole, loved, and lovable, you need to own up to your emotions.

Dreams

Our thoughts and deepest emotions can come out in dreams, according to Jung. When you experience a dream, write down what occurred immediately so you don’t forget.

By understanding your dreams, you might understand more about yourself.

“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens to that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.” – Carl Jung

However, Jung says that it’s important to understand that one dream by itself might not mean much, but patterns from multiple dreams might:

“An obscure dream, taken by itself, can rarely be interpreted with any certainty, so that I attach little importance to the interpretation of single dreams. With a series of dreams we can have more confidence in our interpretations, for the later dreams correct the mistakes we have made in handling those that went before. We are also better able, in a dream series, to recognize the important contents and basic themes.” – Carl Jung

Remember that the shadow thrives in secret but they are part of who you are. Bring the hidden parts of yourself to light and bathe them in self-love and acceptance.

Sometimes, the process hurts but it will make you a better person. Keep in mind: When it comes down to getting what you want, you have to not only confront your inner darkness but embrace it.

Rather than try to turn it off when you feel the shadow self-rearing its ugly head, allow yourself to feel it and be curious about it.

In some cases, you might find that it serves you, especially when you are trying to protect yourself from things that might otherwise threaten your higher self.

When you tap into your shadow self properly, it can be a powerful alter ego that can help you manage trying situations.

It’s when you let it rule your life, or pretend you don’t have a shadow self that problems persist.

7. Nurture your inner child

Our childhood traumas can be caused by the way we were parented or other people who hurt us. It can result in deep wounds that can create behavioral and emotional patterns that create our personality.

Most of the time, our childhood wounds are the most painful. They haunt us and tell us we’re not worthy of love, or that our feelings are wrong, or that we have to take care of everything because nobody was around to take care of us.

Nurturing your inner child involves traveling back in time to when you were hurt and give yourself love. You can do this by:

Go back to the time in your life when you felt most vulnerable.

It can be a scene where you got hurt or a time in your life when you felt vulnerable. Hold that image of yourself in your mind. Stay aware, taking in any messages that arise during that time.

Give the younger you compassion

While reliving the moment, give love to your younger self. Tell yourself, “I love you and I’m here for you. It will be okay, it’s not your fault and you did nothing to deserve this.” You can also give a hug to your younger self.

One thing is for sure when doing shadow work, it is uncomfortable, to say the least. Who would enjoy owning up to their flaws, weaknesses, selfishness, hate, and all the negative emotions they feel? Nobody.

But while focusing on our positive side is enjoyable and boosts our confidence, shadow work can help us grow and develop into a better version of ourselves.

Jung writes in the book Psychology and Alchemy, “There is no light without shadow and no psychic wholeness without imperfection.”

With shadow work, we become whole to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Recommended reading:

7 steps to heal your inner child.

Recommended Therepy : inner child Hypnotherapy, Family Constillations, Sound Healing, Earth magnetism Nature, Fasting, Mirroring, EFT, Resurecction Therepy, Heart Coherence Frequency, Deep tissue manipulation, infrared saunas, fasting, 1stSun. Kundalini Meditation , Mantras, ecstatic dance, Qi gong, vibrational machines, resurrection therepy.

Written by:DeannaCook and is free under the Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/) you may freely copy, distribute, blog, or post it anywhere, so long as the work is attributed to "deannalcook", and the text is unaltered.

[taintedbloom]

Say Amen // Archie & Amelia

Perhaps, it weren’t the brightest of ideas to enter his father’s office without his permission, in spite of the fact the office space was rarely used to start with, but the Devereaux patriarch’s untimely demise dampened the likeliness he would receive punishment for the trespassing. It is not as if Archie cared for the man, he discovered the acceptance he couldn’t feel anything for anyone, much less an absent father who took advantage of the wealth tacked onto his last name. His mother seized control of all financial aspects long before her husband expired, she evidently wore the pants in their relationship, and it was an unspoken truth in the household. 

In the seventeen years of his life, he and his eldest brother Grayson were entrapped by Amelia’s torrential competitiveness engulfing the brothers and while their bond suffered from such meddling, his relationship with every member of his family would not have improved regardless for the unfortunate parental methods. There was his brother, throwing about snarky side comments and refusing to stand up to their mother, their mother as a whole who mildly terrorized her children in a way that she played oblivious to, and dear old dad became the male socialite on steroids. Archie reminded himself of this as he lingered about the moderate length of the room, his fingers gliding along the smooth mahogany surface of the ornate desk.

“You should not be in here, Archibald.” The teenager’s gaze slowly lifted to meet his mother’s, whose form hovered in the doorway with her hands properly folded behind her back. That was the word to describe the woman, proper. Proper clothes, proper hair, proper posture, everything about her screamed frustratingly perfect and unkempt. It was a miracle how she fell in love with a husband farthest from flawlessness. “I needed a moment. Dad’s too dead to care.” His father’s funeral wake shoved Archie to his emotional limits. The shaking of hands and condolences, every lie spilling from the lips of those who pretended as if they painted a doting image of his father, disgusting. One more reeking pile of a bullshit story and he would have set the mansion ablaze. “Where’s Grayson?”

“Downstairs entertaining our guests where you are meant to be.” Amelia tensely replied, taking a few steps into the room, frowning at the work that will need to be done packing the rest of her husband’s belongings for storage. Or simply tossing everything in the trash saved her the trouble. “You needed a moment, right? Is that why I found a packed suitcase under your bed?” Her eyebrow lifted as her son’s briefly dropped and even if Archie experienced no shame hiding the evidence of his immediate escape not a single day that his father’s corpse had been in the ground, he was slightly guilty at himself for not concealing his post-funeral plans smarter. “As soon as the meaningless charade of a wake is over, I’m leaving.” Archie nonchalantly dropped the knowledge as his fingers wrapped around the carbon copy of the family portrait that was currently hanging above the living room’s fire place on the first level. All smiles, nothing screamed imperfect, though, the ten year old version of him could hide the almost dead look in his eyes. Something...unnerving.

“Excuse me?” The woman’s eyes narrowed into small slits, turning her nose up at the mere prospect of her son believing he possessed the nerve to leave home, “You’re not of age yet, Archibald, what would you possibly know of supporting yourself after the reliance this family has given you?” She spoiled her children, or more so their wealth spoiled them for her, but she prepared the boys for this cruel harsh world. Archie the most selfish, the most pampered of them all. “You are not leaving and shirking your responsibilities.”

“Yes, I am.” Archie placed aside the frame he was holding, feeling the same flare of rage tickling the surface of his subconscious. “School is finished, Father’s no longer stealing from my savings, and now there’s nothing left for me here.” Not to mention, his newfound career path Archie chose for himself. All it took were the right people to fall in step with, the right contacts providing the resources mandatory for blossoming the seed of a thought planted by those who uncovered extraordinary potential. He never picked up a gun before this, but now the weight it carried in his hand and tucked in the back of his suit pant waistband felt eerily natural. “Tragically heartbreaking as it is to confess, Mother, the thought of taking over your business would’ve certainly colored me envious for Father’s fate.”

Amelia pressed a hand to her chest at the young male’s statements, appalled by his ever careless nature and unsurprised at the brutal honesty. Speaking ill-will of the dead? She taught him better. “As willing as you are to erase the existence of your own family, my boy, you still live under my roof. The food you eat down to every last expensive article of clothing gracing your entire person is from the generosity of the high class I have dropped in your ungrateful hands. As this is my rules, my house, I am within my right to speak freely when I say,” Her chin slightly tilted, “You are not going anywhere, Archibald. Your attitude lately, for one, has been without a doubt the most unacceptable.” The woman scoffed, “You’ve been distant, distracted, you must take me for the fool when you believe I have not noticed when you sneak away at all ungodly hours of the night. It ends tonight, Archie. And quite frankly-”

“And you choose now of all days to share your complete truthful opinion.” The young male cut his mother’s statement short with a flourish of his hand, “When you have spent almost two decades of my entire life throwing me no more than manipulative lies and scrutiny.” Archie wouldn’t normally allow his temperament to graze the surface for the entertainment of the Devereaux matriarch, much less shatter the self-contained gentlemanly bearing, but Amelia knew what to speak, how to portray her attitude, to rile her child. “If you have something, anything to say, now is the time, Mother, because I guarantee you will not receive another chance as soon as the sun rises when I am gone tomorrow.” 

“You want honesty? No matter how harsh?” Amelia pressed a finger to her lip, mulling through the dozens of thoughts once remained unspoken. Her son’s curt nod forced the woman to continue, “I knew from the moment you were born, there was always something wrong with you, Archibald. You were too quiet as a child, too calm, too everything that should not have been possible of someone your age. You were cold to others, a difficulty empathizing, and while the latter trait I thought was an inheritance from your family lineage, you lack a filter and an unwillingness to make friends. And even with such a cutthroat heartless state, you were and are still a disappointment.” It might’ve been cruel and unjust, but he asked for honesty and honesty he shall bare, “I tried, for years, I tried preparing you and your brother for the lifetime that has been handed to you, but you’ve failed every expectation. You are selfish, conniving, arrogant, it is no wonder you have no stable relationships, no girlfriend or what have you. It’s not how a Devereaux acts. I detest saying this so openly, darling,” She paused, the regret she might experience later not bothering her the slightest, “I’m almost ashamed to call you my son.”

Archibald made the assumption she would back down from sharing a scrap of integrity and brush the conversational topic aside before leaving him to his devices, yet, she spilled seventeen years’ worth of what has remained bottled away for appearance’s sake. It all made perfect sense, the competitiveness, the silent dinners, the snide insults veiled by criticism, she hated him. Amelia did not need to express such, which was pointless attempting to spare his emotions when she shared the knowledge he couldn’t feel, but she one hundred percent hated his guts with every fiber of her being by the opinion he clutched closely. He heard nothing but the shrill ringing in his ears, saw nothing but flashes of his childhood memories pass his gaze as if someone pressed the fast forward button. Archie suddenly felt his hand reaching around, could feel his fingers encapsulate the cool metal of the gun hidden in his waistband, and only realized the gravity of his actions the second he heard the click of the gun’s hammer. The barrel...pointing straight at the woman who bore him into this world. “I was never enough for you.” His hand shook faintly even though he tried steadying it.

Amelia watched as her youngest son’s expression warped before her very eyes. She anticipated dismissal or even a slather of sarcasm to conceal how greatly her opinion mattered whether or not Archie faked his disinterest. Just as he preferred dismissing the can of worms he tore at the seams, the woman flickered her attention to fixing the watch clasped to her wrist. She noted the late hour and the awaiting guests missing the grieving widow’s presence before a small clicking sound caused Amelia to raise her head slowly, heart instantly pounding the moment she collided face-to-face with the barrel of a gun. “You wouldn’t pull the trigger, Archibald.” Her voice wavered and the man seemed to take satisfied joy in that, “Doesn’t change the truth and you know it.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Archie dropped his index finger to the trigger, hammering in his point, “I mean, you have granted me the perfect ammunition, Mother. It’s what we call a motive.” He tightened the grip on the weapon’s handle and barked a dark sound from the back of his throat that was closely reminiscent of a laugh, “What parent pits her children against each other, hm? You have done nothing but confirm time and time again the real culprit why I’ve consistently felt even crazier than I thought I already was. I have never once apologized for who I am or how I am, but since you are so determined to cast me as a monster, here I stand.”

“A monster.” Amelia mocked the use of the term. “This earth is crawling with competition, my dear, anyone believing playing fair achieves their dreams are inadequate buffoons.” She slid her foot backwards in the door’s direction and, in spite of how miniscule the movement was created, Archie’s teachings displayed the tools to spot when a target came close seizing an escape opportunity. Her confidence never diminished, “Blood alone will not establish my safety, but one fact certainly does.” 

Archie breathed a chuckle devoid of all humor and care in the world, “Then give me a single good solid reason why I shouldn’t extinguish the one person who has slashed at every part of who I’ve become and carelessly laugh while I bled.” The woman was a walking terror at times and while he couldn’t recall her revealing any gesture of motherly kindness, she never deserved the privilege of children. If kids would ever enter his story in the near future, as any god lurking out there is his witness, they will never endure what he has suffered with either a hellbent competitive parent nor an absentee father. “A bullet solves everything. A bullet saves my life, my freedom. You think I’m the selfish one, Mother, it is no wonder where I learned it from. Finally, you have taught me something useful. So, I ask again,” He hissed, “Give me a fucking good reason.”

The tip of Amelia’s mouth quirked, “You are weak, Archie. Weak like your father.” Her piercing stare hovered from the gun her son was holding and landed on Archie’s expression, adrenaline kicking in almost instantly. She was frightened, oh yes, her facial features revealed nothing damning that could be used as an advantageous upper hand, but facing death was troublesome, “Why do you believe he slept with every living creature in this city, pet, has that crossed your mind? I haven’t the faintest clue what deep trench of an underworld you have dug yourself in, Archibald, but you’ve sealed a fate that’s promised your worst fear. Loneliness.” Amelia paused for melodramatic effect, “Despite what you feel about me or your brother, butchering your own family means you’ll truly be alone in this cesspool. No one will love you. So, go right ahead,” She stepped forward cautiously, “Do it. Solve your problems at my expense.”

Archibald could feel his confidence slipping quickly, willing his physical state not to follow suit, forcing the memories of the wisdom imparted on him by others who introduced the young male to a dream career engaging in his darkest fancies. Kill her, kill her, kill her, a voice from somewhere screamed blaringly. Squeeze the trigger and the pain disappears, as if it were that simple. Killing his mother had not crossed his mind before, though, its presence and the formulating euphoric rush couldn’t surprise or scare him. He realized a split second too late the hands wrapped around the gun were wobbling uncontrollably as his head rationalized between two battling arguments. Pull the trigger, don’t pull the trigger, the racing thoughts produced a maddening result. No one loved him, did he want love? How can he when he could not feel it? Couldn’t feel anything? One night stands came and went, meaningless dalliances, but nothing lasted. Not that the youngest Devereaux allowed the progression.

In the end...Archie shakily lowered the firearm.

“See?” Amelia cracked the silence emanating in the middle of mother and child. Placing one foot in front of the other, the desk was the only object within that office standing between them. “Your pride and vanity will be your greatest weakness, Archibald. While the one faithful enough to count on the most is yourself, paranoia is a downfall capable of destroying all chances to pass on our family name.” Archie turned away from her, watching his mother pick him apart from the corner of his eye, “Choosing what you think is right will be a path you travel alone. You and I both know how this story ends, boy,” The woman carelessly waved her hand to the side and spun on her heel as she sauntered towards the door, “You dead and no one here to pick up the pieces. Nor I or your brother will.”

“You’re wrong.” Archie’s voice sliced the everlasting din, his gaze dropping to the gun in his hands. Amelia grinded to an abrupt halt as the male continued, “You may have needed me, needed Grayson, to resume our lineage, but I have never needed you.” The words were venom on his tongue. He attempted playing the role of dutiful son, he spat his complaints, threw about sarcastic remarks without a care in the world, but Archibald faced a resolution and he would not stray the road ahead. He cannot turn back now, not when he has come this far for any other alternative. “I’m done.” Archie traced a circled path around the desk and gravitated towards the door.

“Archibald,” His mother’s voice caused the young male to pause in his tracks as soon as he passed her, “When this power trip of yours fails, you will come crawling home begging for my forgiveness.” The statement caused a harsh laugh to flee from the teenager’s lips the minute it reached his ears. “No, Mother,” He partially turned, “you will be begging for mine watching the disappointment you raised make a name others only dare whisper. And for once, I’ll take it one way or another.” Archie didn’t bother wasting the energy drinking in his mother’s likely appalled expression as he reached the doorway. Archie was nothing if not a dramatic little bastard, that isn’t falsified knowledge, but to stand on the precipice holding the match as every bridge he possessed torched before his eyes, well...so shall it be his reality. “Send Grayson my regards.” Directing one last comment for the only living parent he had, Archibald disappeared from the room.