#and parent thoughts as I am 110% this parent and I have to remind myself to reign myself in constantly

[tgmsunmontue]

Mav (and Ice to a lesser extent) would be far harder on Bradley than they would be on any other kid/adult.

They see Bradley and compare him to themselves, forgetting that they're fully grown adults (debatable in Mav's case) and have YEARS of experience and training on Bradley.

They know what Bradley is capable of, and when he's half-assing it, so they're always pushing him to be better.

Also some of their personal drive for Bradley to BE BETTER is because they know being better will keep him safer. Not safe, but safer. (Being a parent is terrifying when your kid isn't doing a risky job, let alone when they are).

They don't really get it until some of their friends are complimenting them on Bradley's knowledge and skills and they're like 'great! we didn't fuck up!' but then one or the other makes a passing comment and someone (Slider?) just makes a 'what the fuck?' face and asks them outright that if they were looking at any other new recruit, would they be impressed. And they answer that yes, of course they would be.

And then they realise that actually maybe they have fucked up. Bradley knows he's loved, but he doesn't know that they're so immensely proud of him.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

So I looked through a detransition blog just out of curiosity, since it was one you reblogged, but now I’m super... freaked out? I have a top surgery consultation in April but now I have this weird fear that I’m faking it or that I’ll regret it afterwards. I’ve identified as somewhere along non-binary and trans (he/they!) for over a year, and I’ve known I’m not a girl for even longer, but now I’m just so afraid that maybe I don’t know myself at all. Do you have any advice on what this is?

Lee says:

Discussing your feelings with a therapist can sometimes help you untangle the anxiety from everything else. It’s reasonable to have some apprehension about a major surgery that can have a big impact on your life because it is a big change- and like any other surgery, it also has medical risk and can result in complications. 

And reading about other people’s feelings about their surgeries can be helpful! I do recommend reading things from people who were happy with the outcome and reading things from people who weren't to get a better perspective on the range of experiences that can exist. Only reading the negative or the positive doesn’t provide a balanced view!

But even if you read other people’s stories, and talk to them about why they feel the way they do about their choices and bodies, nobody else can tell you what you should do for yourself. Even a therapist can’t know for sure if you will regret surgery (or anything else that you choose to do) because nobody can see into the future, see into your heart, and see into mind simultaneously to and determine for certain what it is that you need. 

As soon as I came out as non-binary when I was 15, I started saving money for top surgery. I was someone who ran towards top surgery at full tilt and I didn’t give myself any space for doubt about whether it was the right choice for me because I felt it was the only choice I had-- forwards or nothing. I was pretty severely depressed at the time and had a brief hospitalization the month before I turned 18, and I was sort of pinning all my hopes on top surgery reducing my dysphoria and booting out my depression. So I scheduled my consultation as soon as I turned 18 and was legally an adult and could do so without parental permission. I immediately scheduled my surgery for the soonest available date, and had inverted-T incision top surgery about 3 months after I turned 18.

Now I’m 21 years old, and I’m 3 years and 5 months post-op from my top surgery. 

In retrospect, top surgery was 110% the right choice for me. If I could do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Top surgery really did reduce my dysphoria by a significant amount, and that made it easier for me to cope with my depression and other mental health issues. I was proudly parading around the house shirtless as soon as I was able to stop using post-op compression, before my incisions had even healed into scars.

I don’t have any dysphoria about my chest anymore, especially now that I’ve gotten tattoos to cover my scars. I finally feel like I look like how I always knew I was meant to look.

I don’t post pictures of my chest anymore because I have distinguishing tattoos but I’ve posted a few before/after pictures when I was 3 years post-op and I think things have only gotten better now.

I was lucky to not have any complications; I don’t have any nerve pain, and hypertrophic or keloid scarring, and I didn’t need any revisions. But there are some things that are non-ideal compared to if I had just been born with a typical cis-guy flat chest. My nips are a little wonky in color and shape, and I plan on getting medical tattoos at some point to even the edges out. I also have slightly muted sensation in my chest now, so everything is like slightly number than it was before.

When I was pre-op, I did enjoy having nipple sensation that was pleasurable; even though I had inverted t-incision top surgery which preserved the nipple stalk, I still only have tactile, temperature, and pain sensations in my chest. If you put an ice cube on my nipple and my eyes were closed, I’d know it was cold. If you poked me while I was looking away, I’d still feel it. And if you squeezed me, it would hurt. But somehow it doesn’t feel good anymore like it used to. 

I don’t know how much of that loss in erotic sensation is a mental thing and how much is a physical change caused by scar tissue build up around the nerve. But regardless, it is a real loss. 

For me, that loss is well worth it. While I might have been physically capable of experiencing erotic nipple/chest sensation before, I rarely actually did have that experience because it made me too dysphoric and I didn’t like to take my shirt off during sex. Now I feel more fully present and comfortable in my own body and it makes me more engaged so I can focus on my partner and on the other feelings I’m having and how I look isn’t something that is detracting from the experience. 

In general, top surgery has made my life better in a million ways. I love running shirtless with my college cross country team, I like going swimming at the beach with no shirt, and I like the way I look now when I see myself in a mirror after stepping out of the shower. 

When I get dressed in the morning, my day starts off on a neutral note because it’s just me putting on clothes. Sometimes I pause to think about how I can just put on a shirt and feel good about it and move on. Before, I used to be upset every morning because the first thing I’d be reminded of when I woke up was that my chest was there and I didn’t want it to be. I’m Autistic, and binding was Not comfortable for me sensory-wise, so not having to bind was also nice.

I would choose to get top surgery again, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right choice for each and every person. I am sure it was the right choice for me, and I have no regrets at all, I never want to have breasts again. But someone else might think that not having erotic nipple sensation is a dealbreaker, or they might not be comfortable with scars if they tend to heal with more visible raised scars that are harder to cover with a tattoo like I did mine.

So I can tell you that top surgery has made my life better and I’m glad I got it and I don’t think that there would have been any way for me to be as happy as I am now if I had not gotten it. Top surgery is life saving and life-changing for some people, and I am one of those people. I might be more inclined to tell people that if you think you need surgery you should get it because my surgery went so well and because I’m still identifying as genderqueer, transmasculine, and non-binary, just like I was when I was 15, so my identity is pretty static there.

Some other post-op people may tell you that they regret their surgery, that they wish they hadn’t done it, and they would make a different decision if they could go back in time. They might want to help warn other people to not make the same mistake that they did.  Detransitioned folks often (but not always) have a different perspective than folks who persisted in being transgender and that’s okay- it isn’t a better perspective or a worse one, just a different one. But both trans and reidentified people can feel this way, even though it’s usually more common for de-trans folks to regret surgical procedures that it is for trans folks.

I semi-rushed into surgery for both emotional and logistical reasons but I knew it was right for me. But that isn’t the best choice for everyone and if you aren’t 100% sure that it is what you want and need then there’s nothing wrong with having the consultation with the surgeon to learn more and then thinking things over before you schedule a surgery date (or don’t), you don’t need to immediately schedule a surgery date after the consult. Think of it as an interview and as an information gathering session.

Neither of us can tell you what you should do because neither of us are “right” or “wrong” about top surgery. It’s just a different experience and a different perspective. We all have biases based on our own way of seeing things, and that can inform our advice.

If you know what the risks are, and you’ve given it careful thought and can provide an informed consent, then whether you should get surgery is your decision. I won’t tell you “go get it!” or “don’t go get it!” and I don’t think that any blogger should be telling anons what medical procedures to get or not get. 

Worrying that you’re faking it, that you don’t know who you are, and worrying about regret is something that can be pretty scary and frustrating, but you don’t need to figure it out on your own, and it’s okay to take a little longer to come to a decision and talk it over with a therapist if you think it’s necessary to help you cope with that anxiety.

But yeah, I believe that ultimately you have to trust your gut feelings on what you know to be right for you.

Top surgery 101 links

Finding a therapist

Side note: While we do our best to avoid reblogs from obvious TERFs/truscum/transphobes/racists/sexists/ableists/etc to avoid exposing people to triggering content by boosting the blog’s visibility, and we do appreciate getting heads up asks about reblogs from a problematic OP, if we reblog a post from someone we do not necessarily endorse all of the content in every post they’ve made, and we don’t necessarily agree with all of the blogger’s opinions either. We reblog a specific post if we think seeing that post might be helpful for some of our followers.

[mantra4ia]

Debris 1x13 "Celestial Body": rewatch Reaction'd, questions and comments

So if all those people are experiencing emotional convergence, who are they converging from? Who's sending the emotional signal that the debris is channeling, or is it the debris manifesting it's "consciousness" in a way that we can understand it by way of human conduits?

Maddox is clearly trading debris pieces with Irina (perhaps the piece that he took out of storage off the books), and Irina is on the phone with presumably her handler/ boss to negotiate this trade. She gives him lateral (which I assume means latitudinal) readings and then he asks for longitudinal readings which we don't get to hear. They are: Lateral 105, 112, 115, 120, 113, 110, 109

What's the significance of these measures? Latitude goes from 0° to 90° from the equator, so that doesn't track unless the scene is cut wrong and they're meant to be longitudinal (E/W) readings, which go to 180° relative to the prime meridian. That would make more sense, because after Irina is done with the first set of readings, the unknown caller on the phone says "drop to level two for vertical" and latitudes are North/South.

If we're talking Western longitudes, notable landmarks include: Denver, Salt Lake City UT / Phoenix AZ / nearly Sedona AZ - aka where the telesphere went, Las Vegas, Lake Tahoe/ Nevada border, Great Salt Lake, Alberta-Saskatchewan border, and the Utah-Arizona border.

Or perhaps they're not part of terrestrial measurement at all. The act of "lateral reading" could just mean verifying your sources/accuracy as you go, where as vertical reading is reading for content first to see if something is worth evaluating for sources.

However, if they are part of coordinates, then is the fragment that Maddox is trading with Irina a legitimate "mapmaker" piece like George previously said Influx was seeking? Ya know, when he lied to his daughter. Can a mapmaker piece track moving/animate debris akin to the telesphere? Are those black dust cloud beings George is running from made up of animate debris?

Bryan: After becoming a parent you're in a heightened emotional state, emotionally raw.

George: Higher highs, lower lows, the joy of having a child, the postpartum depression, and the fear of getting it wrong.

Me: Are we in a pensive, self-reflective mood, George? Are you practicing your pub trivia Bryan, delivering exposition, or are you speaking from personal character experience? Seriously, how would you know?!

John Noble as Otto, man why does he always make such a good villain?

What is with the cryptic vagueness when Maddox tells Irina, "You know I can't let you leave with that case right? I mean you know that. There's another door for you Irina, one that only you can go through." They seemed almost on good terms in a previous episode, like friends or something more in a past life "nice car, i almost left / no you didn't", he wouldn't kill her, would he? Or is it more like a code between them, a sort of "I'm being watched, take the back exit"?

Hey, so why is it that sometimes George's eye seems opaque and damaged from the debris implant, but then when he's talking to Finola after he distracts Bryan while being Debris whisperer, his eye seems fine? PS: I googled Tyrone Benskin just to see what he looks like when he's not playing George Jones and I didn't know he's a former member of Canadian Parliament. Don't trust the government, eh?

George: "You're such a compassionate person, you always have been. So much of your mother in you." That's the second time that Finola's mother has been mentioned in the series, back from the pilot. Is it a coincidence that the first piece of debris that chose to interact with Finola resonated her mom? More than just Finola's desire being reflected by the debris, but the debris emoting it's first impression of her as someone compassionate that it can trust?

It also raises my heckles that George repeats, almost word for word, something that Finola said in episode 3. "If we can't help people, we do not deserve this debris / if we don't use this debris on these people, we are not worthy to have it." Are father and daughter that ideologically similar, or has he been spying on her progress this whole time, or both?

George: "I took my life to allow myself a rebirth, I paid the price. I want you to know that not one day goes by that I don't think of you and your sister. I want you to know this." This coincides with my initial impression that George staged his death to get away from Orbital after he assessed how his research was being used/abused.

George: "You never wanted to go into the pool, I had to throw you in, and you kicked and screamed, but you always did better that way." Immabout to throw you George, just keep talking!!!! I'm sorry, this charicature of absentee father reminiscing about the good old days really ticks me off from personal experience.

Also, as a person with a disability, I am not particularly pleased with the use of Dario as a plot device instead of a thoughtful character with a backstory at this point in the show for 13 whole episodes now. Pretty pissed off actually, so they better do something phenomenal and pivotal with Christian Rose (Dario) in season 2 [maybe have his character interact with debris in a similar way to Caroline]. But that's another rant about ableism in screenwriting for another angry day....

George: "A telesphere was born yesterday. It came from a pocket dimension inside Orbital. I think it's birth may have triggered the debris." This is perhaps the one-ish episode that I find George remotely interesting and also infuriating, particularly because of the way he speaks, like he's finally taken off the guise of the old, well-meaning eccentric and turned into a sharp, cunning, and at times calculatingly ruthless individual. I find it peculiar that he says a telesphere is born. Makes me think that the debris is not just part of a spacecraft, but a hybrid of the beings piloting that craft.

I get tremendous satisfaction from Finola head-butting people. This should continue.

I'm not familiar with all of the work of JH Wyman to know if this is a running theme or an ongoing joke. But does he keep his writing staff in a constant state of starvation? Is that why pieces of debris are called "Nachos", and why Influx has "Beans" to shield them from debris side effects, and why Bryan is always eating junk food? Should I be worried about the writer's room and start sending them healthy snacks?!? Just give me an SOS in the credit roll.

Speaking of: is the "Bean" that Finola ingested a piece of debris? Similar to the pieces of debris that fused with Anson Ash? Will it impart some physical benefits to her moving forward?

"I won't lose you again...you belong with me." What are you talking about George Jones, you made the conscious decision to leave your family. You didn't lose Finola, she lost you. In this version of reality at least. Or (unscripted backstory) did Jones and his wife separate prior to her death / was Finola brought up mostly by her mother? That doesn't seem the case if she was buying her father birthday presents and took it upon herself to settle his affairs after his death.

Why do the Influx Operatives Otto and Anson have tattoos on their hands, but not Loeb? Is he like the low end of the totem pole FNG who hasn't earned his stripes, hence why Otto gives him s***: aka "Careful you cretin. All the finesse of a butcher."

What is the hierarchy of Influx anyway? Despite being an anti-government "for the people/ elevate the human consciousness" organization they do still seem to have a governing hierarchy and Otto and George seem to be on the same level, pretty high in rank / they talk with confidence to each other like they go back a while.

What is that weird thing that Otto does with his hands to Bryan's head? What are all the weird things Otto does, including his massacre at the petrol station? Ick.

Why is it that Leob and George are freaked out by the black smoke (debris particle?) man, but Anson and Otto aren't? They seem to see them(?), but don't overtly react.

Bryan: "It seems like we're entering some kind of new phase." Gee where have I heard that one before? Oh yeah, the story of "Blackwater grandfather" and the black wind that they're still teasing endlessly while refusing to tether it into some kind of world building lore. Agggghh!

Lololol, Bryan and Finola's dynamic even in the midst of a very serious episode makes me laugh. "Devon Reese / two e's? / Two e's!" "This one smells like baby diapers. Almost as bad as the tech section of the plane/ You mean your section of the plane. / Almost." That zinger 👍

Paraphrasing Bryan: "[recapping, recap, and did I mention recap]...something about George doesn't feel right." Personal pet peeve: I HATE IT when episodes have intentional explanatory lines like this to point out the fact that we as audience are privy to information that the main characters aren't. Not only does it make the main characters seem less intelligent, it breaks the fourth wall a little bit and gives the impression that the audience, which is ahead of the plot, is not as intelligent and needs a reminder that we're ahead. Lackadaisical writing drives me nuts!!! I can't outright say that it's "bad" dialogue, but it's not a choice I would make if I wanted uninterrupted viewer immersion.

Finola: "My instincts are good" Me: You are an emotionally intelligent decision maker with gaping personal blind spots.

George: You belong with me, your father.

Finola: My father died six months ago, and you are not him.

Me: Chef's kiss 👏👏👏

Otto: "It would never have worked out with that girl [Finola], not in any iteration." Definitely makes me lean towards the fan theory that the alt!Finola in (presumably) suspensia in Sedona Arizona got plucked from another reality.

Surprisingly, the ending credit roll has no voiceover as all the previous episodes of the season have. Disappointed that there's no potential teaser to a season 2 if the show gets renewed. But I find it curious that the extras who were demonstrating emotional convergence were credited as: chess board persons. Not sure if that's relevant, but I definitely feel like this show is playing games with me and my emotions.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #429

“i’m just a bad luck charm to blame when things go wrong”

Are all-nighters something you have grown used to? God no. I have those SO rarely. I don't know how I used to do it. Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I don't have sunglasses, and my driving permit has long since expired. Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? COLD, no. A tad chilly, very rarely. I have to be burning the hell up. What clothes are you most comfortable in? Men's pj pants and tank tops. Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? No, not anything. Have you ever unbuttoned someone else's pants? Yes. Are you good at painting nails? Nooooo. My hands are way too shaky. If it’s late at night and you’re hungry, what do you reach for? Usually a granola bar or piece of bread, lol. What word should you really probably remove from your vocabulary? I don't know. I don't really use any words I find wrong/offensive. Will you eat something if it falls on the ground? NOOOOOOOO SIR. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? God no. I'm not a vegetable fan. Do you see the value in education? Of course I do. Are you more physically flexible or situationally flexible? bitch neither lmao Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? I don't have one now, but my mom knows of some things from the past. Do you make an effort to eat healthy? Yeah. I could try harder, but I do try. Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. I wasn't an official resident, but I was essentially always there and just counted as a guest, I guess. Would you ever be a stripper? No way in hell. Can you honestly say that you love yourself? No. Do you think that you’ve ever actually been IN love with someone? I don't just "think" it, I know very goddamn well that I was. Have you ever done a psychedelic drug? If not, would you ever consider it? No and no. Did you ever see the movie Good Burger when it came out? Not when it came out, but I've seen it and love it. How often do you clear your browser history? Never. Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah man, gourmet shit. Do you consider yourself a burden to anyone? Why do you feel this way? I absolutely do. I'm just a leech at home. A financial burden to my parents since I'm unemployed. I have a lot wrong with me that my mom has to deal with. Who was the last person to carry you? Why were they carrying you? Probably Jason, realistically. I'm probably too heavy for anyone in my life to carry me now, and there hasn't ever really been a reason to besides him just being cute many years ago. Are you a clingy kind of person? If so, how has this affected your past relationships? I know I am. I'm lucky that I don't think it really affected any. I'm not OBSESSIVELY clingy at least, just moderately so. Have you ever witnessed someone drowning? Did you help in any way? Jesus, no. Have you ever felt like you just weren’t enough for someone? Who in your life has made you feel that way? I absolutely have. No one like... intentionally made me feel like that, I just felt it due to my own self-doubt. The times I've felt that that I remember have been in my only two serious relationships, but not endlessly. I'd just do something stupid and feel like it for a while. Have you ever been at a party where the cops came due to complaints?No. What were you doing the last time you spent a night away from home (or wherever you regularly reside)? I was having a sleep study to determine whether or not I had sleep apnea. Where do you like to sit when you’re on the computer? In my bed. Do you feel as though you’re good at understanding/communicating with animals? Absolutely. Are photographs important to you? Do you like to take a lot of pictures? Not incredibly important, because nothing is quite like actually experiencing that moment, but I definitely like to have some of major events. I honestly don't take a lot of pictures documenting my own life, but rather like nature and stuff. And when people pay me to take family/couple/child photos for them. Would you rather hike through the desert, the prairies, the forest, or the tundra? The forest, for sure. So long as I had my camera. If you could reconnect with someone from your past, who would it be and why? Guess. -_- What was the last game you played? Was anyone else playing with you? Do you prefer to play games alone or with others? World of Warcraft. And well, it's an MMO, so you're playing with what, thousands of other people? I mostly do solo content though, but I do usually chat with guildies when I'm on because I'm close and comfortable with them. What is the longest distance you’ve walked in a day? Idk, but definitely far. Do you prefer homemade food or restaurant food? Restaurant, sadly. What was the last new food you tried? Ummm... I want to say sweet potatoes, back at Thanksgiving. I didn't hate them, but they were okay. What is your most recent regret? I dunno, probably something really minor like eating/drinking something unhealthy. What was the last unexpected thing to happen to you? How did you react? I guess that would be the sleep apnea diagnosis. At least, that was the last big one. I can't think of anything in-between. I was very shocked, even doubtful that the results were reliable. But given how my APAP mask has almost completely solved my nightmare issue, I think it's safe to say it's correct. Name your three closest friends. Sara, Girt, and uhhh... Sam. Do you get excited or annoyed when the phone rings? Annoyed, honestly, lol. Do you prefer writing poems or stories? I prefer writing RP, which is pretty much just gradually writing stories. What pisses you off more than anything? Probably rapists, specifically when children are the victims. It's just... so, so repulsive and unforgivable to me. Like I don't understand how a human being could possibly be so diabolical as to scar someone like that. What’s the appropriate age to have sex? I think you should be adults, honestly, given the risk of pregnancy. Not that I followed that, so I can't really talk, and I know most people don't either. When you're really in love with someone and have a sexual side, it's kinda... hard to avoid 'til you're 21. Is there anybody you’re really jealous of? It's so stupid, I'll probably always be so jealous of the girl Jason dated after me. Even though I know they're not even together anymore (well, last I heard a few years ago). Is pornography evil or are you neutral about it? Meh. I'm not into it, but I don't think it's necessarily evil. I personally don't get sex without emotional commitment, but you do you, so long as you are both consenting adults being safe about it. Do you prefer to be monogamous, or are you more a casual dater or swinger? I'm strictly monogamous. I'd be way too jealous to share a partner with someone, and then there's the heightened risk of STDs, too. Have you ever had a crush on more than one person at once? Do you now? Yes, but I don't now. Who is your favorite relative? Excluding my immediate family, Uncle Rob. He is so damn funny. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I know I would, realistically. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? No. What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? It SUCKED while actually doing it, but I'm very satisfied having done around 20 minutes of cardio today at the gym. Cardio is something I 110% need in my life. Have you had any beer this week? I've never had beer. I hate the smell of it, and it's associated with memories of my dad as an alcoholic anyway. Could you cry right now? Nah, I'm in a good mood. If you could see one person right now, who would it be? I'd honestly love to hang with Sara again. Do you wear contacts? No, but I wish I did versus glasses, contacts are just WAY too tedious. What color shirt are you wearing? It's a dark teal. Song playing right now? Ha, I am STILL obsessed with Powerwolf's (but with Alissa White-Gluz's vocals) "Demons Are a Girl's Best Friend." Do you wear the seat belt in the car? Absolutely always. Please, please, wear your seat belt. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Yes. There was a kid at dance who, from behind, thought I was his mother and he just ran up and hugged me from behind and I nearly had a heart attack. Do you like the color orange? Yeah; it reminds me of Halloween. Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else? Not really entirely someone else, but a much better version of myself. What is the weather like today? It's hot as shit and pretty hazy. Do you want any piercings? UGH like you have no idea. Have you given anything up for Lent? No. You do what you want, but I honestly think it's a dumb concept. Would you rather go to a rock concert or a rap concert? Rock, for certain. Have you ever dated someone that was a different race than you? Yeah; Juan was Hispanic. How old is your best friend? She's 23. What does your favorite necklace look like? It's a spiked choker with some dangling chains. It's fuckin' hot. Are you keeping a secret from anyone? I don't like the wording here. I don't have anything I'm hiding from someone in particular, and nothing they need to know at all. I just have a few inconsequential secrets I just don't share with anyone. Would you take a million dollars if it meant you had to die a month later? Uh, no thank you. Do you keep any type of diary or journal? You could say surveys are like snippets of a diary of sorts for me. I share a lot and use them to vent and just jabber on about my thoughts and feelings without exactly burdening anyone with them. What was the last thing that made you really happy? I'VE LOST A POUND SO FAR AT THE GYM!!!! :') It's been just one week, I know, big whoop, but it means A LOT to me. Prior to this, the numbers had just been gradually creeping up and up... but not anymore! :D Can you remember what you dreamed about last night? Very vaguely? Or maybe that was the night before's dream... Have you ever gotten kicked out of a class for being disruptive? Definitely not. I was a well-behaved, quiet student. Have you ever injected a drug? Noooo. Do you think the whole day is better if you smoke pot? I've never smoked. Last time you killed a bug? A while back when an ant walked over my laptop. Are you wearing perfume? What kind? No. The last male you spoke to… is he attractive? That would be my personal trainer, and yeah, he's very handsome.

[bookishbea]

Black Friday Reaction

Okay so I’ll be live tweeting Black Friday but none of it will have any sense to it but it’ll just be my reactions

1. The Paul thing is really bothering me

2. I really love the mention of the other characters

3. If Jane is mention is the story about the mom mentioned some more

4. Is the delivery man ted (cause he’s also a sleazeball

5. It’s weird seeing Cory not play a pure bean

6. I love California MIA

7. The little sister (Im sorry I’m bad at names) I self project as autistic and she something else idk

8. Did anyone else noticed Robert’s Australian accent come out?

9. Like I said this is out of order so yeah but I personally think the second song in the show was very shocking as I’m not used to very serious starkid songs

10. When Robert gestures smoking i think its lowkey a refrence to the smoke club

11. I have a crush on lex

12. I love Lauren’s charecter so much

13. I love the name linda becuase it could be like a karen without using that name

14. Not to get poltical but i choose to belive they made an antivax joke

15. Also the marvel nerd in me loves the name becky barnes

16. I know its probaly not on purpose but joeys charecters costume in line looks like the homeless guy’s one

17. Jaimey is great as always

18. The conversation is so cringe i love it

19. I kinda hope torture porn is a fanfic refrence (i know most people would want me to say spies are forever but nope)

20. I love Lauren but shouldnt her accent be included when she sings

21. I love Jeff’s reaction

22. I may get some hate for this but what was bothering me in tgwdlm and i notice in starkid is lack of fan comments in the captions

23. As a theatre fan i love the toy zone song (i am not sure if thats the right name) espcially the do wop becuase it reminds me of older musicals

24. Also since i watched tgwdlm and black friday a day apart its weird to come from songs happening because they are infected to songs happening cause its a musical

25. i love the love the line we are not relaibly to anyone who dies becuase they clearly show in the trailer that someone will die (this is not a spoiler if you watch the trailer for Black Friday)

26. I love Corey but when he dances i notice a bulge (i am not a perv he makes it very obvious)

27. So i rewinded it to make sure i wanst going crazy and realized something as lex says the pepper spray line. She would be good as janis ian

28. I love the touch money part its so cute even if its not supposed to be

29. Jaime plays a perv really well

30. I love Jon’s charecter its hilarious

31. Also i love jon and lauren interactions so it was cool seeing them together not as paul and emma

32. I love seeing more of Jon because although hes reaally good at playing paul paul doesnt have any flavor and its cool seeing jon do something diffrent

33. Jeff’s fuck you

34. Okay I was right it was the homeless guy and i bet the money is paul’s money

35. And this is not a sterotpye as i am jewish myself but i bet Laurens charecter is jewish

36. Its sad that the price thing is true

37. So i am a theatre fan and do not watch got but that music kinda reminds me of got

38. Cant tell if jeff’s charecter is gay and a perv or just a perv (i realzie this could be mmisinterpreted as homophobic i just mean to say that jamie’s charecter just seems like a full out perv where as i cant tell with jeff’s)

39. Obviously you shouldnt be that insane but i do like the lines about how you are in charge of life and dont care about what others think. its goood life advice

39. Looks like Paul’s boss got his wish

40. They are all idiots for holding up the doll when everyone wants to get it

41. Corey’s charecter is like shit, money isnt that imporant

42. Becky why are you a part of this you have moral high ground (yes i am ignorning the fact that cast usually join in dance numbers even if their charecter isnt a part of it)

43. Shouldnt tom get ptsd (see above)

44. Lex you already have one (see above)

45. So i may be overthinking things but how curt says never should settle is in the tune of spies are forever

46. Is it just me or did anyone else notice when the security guard comes in the tune of show me your hands comes in

47. I dont know why but i do love soft bullies because hes like hey im punching you but only for the kid

48. Some may say its schizo or something hannah has but its anxiery or something from how shes expressing it

49. I feel like hannah has a superpower and can tell whats happening

50. Maybe webby is actually wiggly

51. Baby (both hannah and robert)

52. Please tell me my babies not dead

53. Jon’s eee is adorable and silly

54. Wait hes alive

55. Wait no hes dead, im sad liek starkid is supposed to be fun and happy this is the darkest star kid yet. Even oregon deaths were silly

56. I love starkid but this is making me anxious i cant tell if its good anxious or bad anxious

57. Also i relate to the black and white thing not fully but liek whenever i dont feel well sometimes my brain is overstimulating but only in my head its very hard to explain 

58. Also i think sometimes kids on the spectrum and im not an expert but i do have it kind of make a friend in their head and i do that too sometimes just to give me advice

59. Also i hope they dont get rid of the black and white as sometimes people go more crazy without the figurative voice in their head

60. Like i said this is going to be random order so i like that emma adopted paul;s Okay and no im not making a tfios refrence

61. Poor Tim

62. Poor becky but even less

63. i thought they were supposed to be mad at g-d but in this and tgwdlm they like g-d

64. I cant tell the other pins on joey’s jacket but the first two i notice are mr wiggly and paul

65. I love Lauren’s acting you can see the very sublte sadness in her

66. Lauren and Joey together ahhhh

67. I know its probaly not a big deal but they should give a seziure warning before the tv scene

68. Did they reuse curts spies are forever outfit

69. Really starkid the obama refrence seriously, i cant tell if im mad or laughing 

70. How did Bob get one

71. I do realize they are talking irl but i cant help but wonder if the nazis were a spies are forever refrence

72. Does wiggly have a special power or something 

73. I think its similar to the metero the closer you are the more power it has over you

74. The starkid special effects we all know and love

75. Also is that mcnamara

76. Also maybe shooting it (the doll) does the same thing that shooting the affceted does. Give them no power

77. I cant tell what the music reminds me of exactly but the tune does kinda refrence a diffrent star kid song

78. Jeff looks so proud of himself for the peeps line

79. I love the purposeful i presume reuse of lines

80. Is peip like men in black

81. Also hatchetfield kind of reminds me of night vale

82. Is the black and white like the upside down?

83. I wonder if the point was purposeful since someone was filming or just choreographed

84. Yes Jon Singing!!!!!

85. I love the act two opener

86. Did his parents really name him christmas?!?

87. Oh hes literally related to santa

88. I love lauren and joey as eleves

89. Noel another christmas name

90. Isnt the little dance move like a genie move or something

91. Its so cute that she insitincitvely went to their seats

92. Also carving is goals

93. Even though its a penis its still goals

94. I know what you are, say it, santa clause

95. Tom dont yell at your girl

96. Poor Tom

97. But also dont make this about you

98. They probaly werent the head of the school since they were nice, i am sorry but thats true

99. Yass girl fight his ass

100. Also the theatre kid in me is picturing all that jazz

101. he ran into my knife he ran into my knife ten times

102. Yes Becky’s husband (i forget the name sue me) is bad but i feel like becky is more sinister then we realize

103. Becky’s line even if it isnt meant to be is so funny

104. The girl who plays Becky could play Barbara

105. I love how Joey and Lauren look into the camera

106. Jamie saying santa awww such a pure bean

107. The person in the wiggly onsie is goals

108. Matrix glasses for the win

109. Is wilbur a refrence to Charelots Web?

110. Its a cult a cult of wiggly

111. I feel like Sherman young is around 30-40

112. I love how its mommy to sound less pervy

113. Oh wait never mind Linda is mom

114. Shit thats fucked up they killed him

115. I am right a jew no non jew says mensch

116. To quote jared klienman kinky (shoe kiss scene)

117. Also i love this song the adore song

118. Why does them picking up Lauren give me Draco vibes

119. Wait he isnt dead?? im so confused

120. Wait he is dead???

121. Also ethan is creepy now

122. But Roberts expressions are goals

123. Robert your proffesor hidgens is showing

124. What the how does he know her name

125. Savage Wiggly

126. Wiggly is more funny than scary

127. But my poor baby dont be scared

128. What the fuck tom

129. Also poor baby number two

130. At first you think becky is made about him hurting a child but no its about the doll

131. What the fuck Becky

132. Also I wonder if thats the same serum that Hidgens used

133. Tom yelling at the audince is hilarious

134. Also Becky singing is giving me little shop vibes

135. Becky are you drunk or something you so stupid

136. But yayy my baby doesnt get hurt

137. More starkid special effects

138. Also the lighting nod to tgwdlm

139. Also why did they take my baby (see i told you random)

140. So the perv is wiggly

141. Also if he can appear in regular formation on earth why does he need to be the doll

142. Oh wait never mind he explains it

143. Joey talking to the audience and making them hold the apple is goals

144. I love Joey’s song

145. MIA = Missing in Action = Made in America

146. Wait im wrong Joey cant be Wiggly unless he has super powers he cant be in two places at once

147. I know they dont mean sex but still wtf

148. Lauren looks so done i cant

149. Seziure warning after mr presidnet leaves the black and white

150. Unless it was purposeful they should have hidden the dolls better backstage

151. Wait didnt hannah say something about two doors earlier?

152. Seriously Sherman ponies

153. I love the going back line

154. My poor baby lex

155. No Lex dont die not you too

156. Haha throwback to tgwdlm

157. Yes baby you got the gun

158. Also die perv die

159. Eagle screeching is goals

160. Yes lex use that logic

161. Also it makes sense only the adults can be brainwashed

162. There were only adults no children, scary (not sarcastic i promise)

163. Seriously starkid Fortnight

164. Thats why you should never fully grow up

165. Woah what Lex says is deep

166. Yessss Tom

167. Wait Tom dont hold the gun

168. Wait is Charolette alive or just a reuse of costume, if so why would they have jaimie wear it

169. No dont take her magic hat

170. Haha stupid hats cant be magic only dolls obviously

171. Does lauren say something like fucking knife in another show too?

172. Lauren screaming gives me my father will hear about this vibes

173. Also give my baby her hat back

174. Yass Lauren get it girl (i do realize shes playing the villian but still)

175. Yass Robert get it

176. Even though shes a viilain i dont like seeing Lauren get killed

177. But also how did they get the bullet wound on her so quick im impressed

178. Haha the way Gary stops everything to talk to gerald is goals

179. Like hes like oh shit money

180. And then hes like oh wait i have to pretend to care

181. I love how exagerated their dying is

182. Thats an impressive quick change

183. Yess Emma Hidgens

184. But also no hell fuck up again

185. Also Paul interupting is goals

186. Haha hannah you go girl

187. First off I love the song

188. Song off Hannah’s voice

189. Is paul scared normal or because of the hive

190. Wait all the tgwdlm charecters are back like nothing happened im confused

191. Haha the Hatchfield band is back

[nodesiretogrowup]

ok, time for a semi-thought out review-spoilers below

I knew that the captain badge thingy Lunaris gave Penny (I shall use this nickname because her name is too damn long) was some type of control device. That scene reminded me too much of Mark giving Gizmoduck that Waddle badge for it to just be a coincidence.

I am LIVING for Lunaris’ dramatic, theatrical voice! He is 100% THAT BITCH

HERE’S HOW PHOOEY DUCK CAN STILL WIN

You know you’re in for a good time when Dewey and Webby team up. I guess old men in Disney shows CAN’T have models in bottles. 

The different family members that Scrooge has pictures of all over are super sweet. No matter what he claims, Scrooge is a family man. 

It’s super cute that Huey was sending postcards. He’s a good boi.

I wonder if Donald’s head is that hard or if the cell walls are really soft.

I bet those visors on the helmets that go over the Moonlander’s eyes are some kind of mind-control devices

I think Lunaris WANTED Donald and Penny to find his secret war room. He sensed her hesitation. Plus if Donald was SO IMPORTANT TO him, Lunaris probably would have taken Donald to the mines personally.

You like Della don’t you, Penny? *smug Spongebob face*

Dewey is 110% THAT BITCH. He and Drake need to hangout sometime.

“We’re both the bad cop.” Webby, sweetie...

Dew-tective. Dewey is pun-sexual

Donald/Cheesy Postcards is otp. But who is he sending those cheesy postcards to? Or does he just collect them?

 The lighting in the noir scene was AMAZING.

Oh Webby, you were so close

“He’s your uncle too.” “WHAT CASE?!” I love my red son.

Poor Donald. It’s not his fault he’s so squishy. We can’t all be Darkwing Duck tough.

Gibbous is lucky to have Zenith. I want more of the two of them. They are adorable

“Almost pleasurable to hit” ...no comment. Also Donald makes the same sound as Spongebob when he’s hit. Therefor Donald must be part sponge and that is how he can take so much damage.

“Inflicting pain is fun!”-Frank’s motto

“This is your moment, Gibbous.”

THAT WINK! MY LITTLE BI HEART COULDN’T HANDLE IT!

Penny’s directions are HORRIBLE. I hope she never has to lead anyone else anywhere.

Their plan was SUCH a kid logic plan. I LOVE IT.

The mailwoman is GORGEOUS AND I LOVE HER.

“Bill, bill, bill. Man, being an adult is not fun.” I feel personally attacked

I think Mr. Jones could have worded his letter better. Also, I keep getting bills from my therapist even though I already paid them so that hit close to home as well.

Donald is too thicc for the vent system.

This scene has THE BEST DONLAD FACES EVER!

The moon scorpion is ADORABLE and I LOVE IT. I bet that little guy is gonna give Donald his superpowers. It followed Donald and helped him out when he was (sometimes literally) in a tight spot.

 I WANT TO CUDDLE WITH DONALD!

“Oooo, seedy.” Webby, hon, we need to talk. Dewey in the background freaking out over the roach was great.

Dewey, darling, you do not have spy skills. We still love you anyway.

Webby is 200% THAT BITCH. I feel like the fake backstory was probably a reference to something but I’m not sure what. The locket thing made me think of Anne. Webby is COMMITTED to her backstories.

DO NOT TOUCH! (DEWEY!!) What has Dewey done with that uniform to warrant such a warning?

Dewey, there is a time and place for your own theme song. This was neither.

Webby, please never change.

Donald’s file is as dummy thicc as he is. I hate myself.

I DEMAND A PLUSH OF DT17 DONALD. NOW.

Donald has entered DAD MODE (™)

I wish Donald would gently rock me to sleep. And tuck me in. And give me a kiss on the cheek.

“Aw, phooey”-because you can’t say “Fuck me” on the Disney Channel

MOONY TO THE RESCUE (I’ve named them and I am TOTALLY ATTACHED/EMOTIONALLY BONDED WITH THEM). 

DAT ASS

Would beds made of gold be comfortable?

DANCE, DONALD, DANCE

“Help me look for them. But DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.” Penny, you need to work on your leadership skills.

I wish we could get a closer look at Lunaris’ “Most Dangerous” list. The man is thorough. Organization goals. 

I didn’t see Beakley, Webby, or Launchpad on there. Darkwing isn’t on there either, but he’s brand new so that one makes sense.

It made me very happy to see Lunaris continue to get beat up. Not as tough as you act, ya bastard. And he’s a dumbass for not using the dummy first, then testing on one of the moon mites, and ENDING with himself. Do you even science, bro?

The pic of Donald with the eggs warmed my heart. :’)

It’s adorable that Dewey thinks that he’s a detective/spy and that he could get the jump on anyone, much less Webby.

LET THE POOR DUCK HAVE A BREAK! HASN’T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH?!

HOW DARE THAT BASTARD HURT MY MOON WIFE!

“Great victory comes with great sacrifice.” I do NOT like the sound of that.

DONALD IS A DETERMINED MOTHER FUCKER.

I really feel like Donald is the best fighter in the show. Even when he’s in pretty bad shape, Donald can take a punch without getting KO’d. He’s good at evading hits. Jim and Drake may be able to take more damage, but Donald can avoid getting hurt in the first place. Well, at least in a fight.

Lunaris is what Magica and Glomgold think they are. He’s cold, calculating, and organized. He can get inside someone’s head to find out how they work. He knows a person’s emotional weakness and will dig into it. I think Donald might end up throwing off his game because Donald reacts much differently to emotional stress than most. Others breakdown and are at their most vulnerable. But Donald channels the emotions into energy and is arguably at his most powerful.

I think Webby may have a problem remembering what is real and what she made up.

Dewey might have the same problem.

Scrooge, you need to accept the you are old. OLD AS BALLS.

The #1 therapist mug is great. I also like that they once again took a character from the comics and gave them an upgrade. Though Mr. Jones seems like he should be in anger management as well.

If we needed anymore proof that Donald is a FUCKING FORCE OF NATURE, Mr. Jones’ office gives us a pretty good idea of what Donald is capable of. Little guy can pack a punch.

That speech, man. That PERFECTLY explains who Donald is and why he does what he does. I cried when Mr. Jones was explain how much Donald loves his family overlayed with Donald himself backing up those words. POETIC CINEMA! T_T

Donald out-maneuvering Lunaris shows what Donald is best at-reading a situation and adjusting his tracticts/plan. He’s pretty good at thinking on his feet and unlike the majority of the other characters, Donald knows when he’s out-matched. That’s why he and Della were such a good team. Della was the brawn while Donald was the brains.

DONALD IS TOO STUBBORN TO DIE. And Moony is soooo in there with him.

“There goes the bravest man on two worlds.” Truer words have never been spoken. He might be the most stubborn as well. 

SCROOGE, YOU CALLOUS CORKSCREW DICK! YOU ARE PROBABLY THE CAUSE OF 90% OF THAT ANGER. YOU SHOULD PAY.

“Because he loves us.” I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING!

Y’all were SO CLOSE!

The look Scrooge gets when he’s listening to Donald’s message, he KNOWS something is up.

Donald is off to Canada (old SU meme is old.

Seriously though, Scrooge is kind of a prick in this episode. He brushes off a lot of stuff about Donald, like the therapy. I hope this is leading to something like Grunkle Stan and Dipper, that Scrooge is hard on Donald because he sees a lot of himself in his nephew. Both have anger issues and both have unique speech pattern. I’m sure Scrooge has dealt with people not being understand him due to his accent many times.

I like that they didn’t make a joke out of Donald receiving therapy. If this were an “adult” show, the show/characters would probably mock Donald for going. But here it’s presented as a good thing and that Donald is mature and a good person for reaching out for help. The fact that he did it to be a better parent...SO PURE AND WHOLESOME. DONALD IS BEST DAD! 

[cymonebeverly]

A Little Bundle

INVOLVED: Cymone Smith and Jaden Young  TIME FRAME: Saturday, January 25, 2019 LOCATION: Local Doctor’s Office; Los Angeles, California SUMMARY: Jaden takes Cymone to the doctor and he promised and they found out some unexpected news. 

Jaden sat in the lobby with Beverly, rubbing her back in smooth gentle circles. He just wanted her to feel better. No, he needed her to feel better. They had gotten back from Paris and she was sick, sick, sick. Which he kind of didn’t understand. How wasn’t he sick? They had eaten a lot of the same things and went everywhere together the entire time. He didn’t quite understand but he wanted her to feel better. “How are you feeling?” he asked her quietly.

Cymone sat back in her chair, leaning into Jaden a little as he rubbed her back in circles. She wasn’t quite sure what was wrong with her, but she wasn’t an idiot either. She had, had a thought here and there but she just suppressed it all while silently hoping the sickness would just go away. At Jaden’s question she looked to him “okay today, I was a little nauseous earlier this morning but after I ate it kind of settled” she told him quietly.

Nodding slowly, Jaden wrapped his arm around Cymone’s shoulder, pulling her a bit closer, into his lap just about as he held her. “Well that’s good,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to her temple. He held his lips against her skin, just inhaling her before he pulled back slowly, his hand now rubbing her shoulder. “I wonder what’s taking so long…” he said more or less to himself.

Cymone closed her eyes gently as Jaden pulled her close and kissed her temples, “mhm” she said to him in response. As he asked about their wait she shrugged carelessly “when do these ever run short...” she commented.

Jaden chuckled softly as he nodded. She had a point. Going to the doctor was an all-day task, everyone knew that. “Good point,” he said softly to her, his hand sliding from her shoulder to caress up and down her arm lovingly. Turning to her slightly, he began, “well, we have time to talk then.” He licked his lips slowly before he said, “so… I think it’s time you meet my family…” he whispered. “We’re getting married… I think it’s time,” he said honestly.

At his words she looked to him, shocked by his suggestion and she exhaled slowly. “I had been meaning to bring that up myself,” Cymone said to him quietly. “My family is coming into town, my sister and her family, and my parents” she told him. “I guess we do need to start incorporating people into our relationship,” she said to him.

Jaden’s neck jerked slightly at all the people Cymone mentioned and he swallowed hard. “The whole pack at the same time, huh?” he asked her as he began to get warm, sweating a bit in his hoodie and he used his freehand to fan himself. “Is it hot in here?” he asked her shifting in his chair slightly.

“Yep” Cymone said easily as she looked straight ahead “my sister caught wind of me being sick and she decided that they all needed to come see about me considering it has been a very long time since they have” she acknowledged. At his question she shook her head “no” she replied easily to him.

Jaden continued to fan himself, reaching over to the small stand and grabbing a magazine for more wind-impact. “Wow,” he said clearing his throat. “Uh,” he chuckled nervously. “So… like… when are they coming?” he asked, trying to get more information because he was not prepared.

The tall, brown-skinned boy in scrubs, poked his head out into the lobby and called out. “Smith, Cymone.”

Cymone looked to Jaden again as he began to fan himself and she sighed “February 1st” she replied back to him coolly. When she heard her name, she looked over to the man and she got up, Cymone had on a pair of jeans, some Balenciaga sneakers, and LV sweater. She sported no makeup and wore her real hair in a ponytail, to say she was completely out of her element was an understatement. She slid the Chanel bag onto her shoulder as she moved towards the man.

“That’s in like a week…” Jaden said counting the days in his own head. “Okay… a week…” he said gently, thinking it over. Would be he ready in a week? He had no idea, but he was going to try and prepare himself to meet her family. As the nurse called Cymone, he stood with her, adjusting his hoodie slightly and pulling up his jeans a bit as he followed behind Cymone.

The man looked at the two as they approached, and he waved them along. “Right this way,” he said as he guided them back towards an examination room. “Cymone what brings you in today?” he asked as he moved for the computer in the corner of the room, logging in and opening up her patient screen.

Cymone looked to the man, her mind thinking of something to say and she opened her mouth. “Under the weather” she said shrugging “I can’t keep anything down, and he thought that I should come in and see what could be wrong,” she said using her thumb to point in Jaden’s direction.

Jaden moved to sit down in the chair off to the side and he looked to Cymone as she pointed at him and he sat back, sliding his hands into his pockets. “We went to Paris and since we’ve been back, she’s been throwing up non-stop and for a while and can could barely even get out of the bed.”

Typing it all into the chart, the man nodded slowly before he turned and looked at Cymone. “Any stomach pain or cramps?” he asked her curiously. “Eat anything unusual in Paris?”

“Minor cramps and bloating, but I am a woman” she shrugged at him lightly, downplaying it all. “No, we had regular cuisines” Cymone told him, “I am not much of a meat eater to begin with” she confessed. “I eat smaller portions of all most everything and that wasn’t my first time in Paris” she told him as well.

Jaden listened to Cymone and he nodded slowly. She was right, they didn’t really eat too much of the exotic foods. They stuck to what they knew.

The man made sure to type cramps and bloating into the chart as he nodded at Cymone. “Okay,” he said as he saved the page before he opened another. “Cymone go ahead and step on the scale for me,” he told her easily.

Cymone looked to the man and she sighed sitting her purse near Jaden she moved to stand up on the scale, watching and waiting with bated breaths. If she was not where she thought she was weight wise, she’d lose it.

Jaden placed his hand over her purse protectively and he watched as she stepped onto the scale.

Moving for the scale, the man watched as the numbers shifted and when they settled he made a mental note of 165 before he moved back to the computer and said, “you can go ahead and have a seat once more and I’ll take your blood pressure,” he told her as he added her weight into the system.

She looked to the scale and it wasn’t too bad, she thought to herself as she exhaled swiftly. At his words Cymone stepped down and moved to sit for him so that he could take her blood pressure.

Quietly, Jaden sat there as he just watched.

The man moved for Cymone, wrapping the cuff around her arm before he turned the machine on, allowing it to do its magic. 110/70, which was great. “Good blood pressure,” he said thoughtfully before he moved for the computer and typed it in. “Lastly I just need to take your temperature,” he told her as he sheathed the thermometer and held it close to her mouth.

Sat there, waiting for the man to finish with her vitals and as he spoke what her blood pressure was, she nodded to him. Cymone opened her mouth lifting her tongue for him to stick the thermometer under and when he did she closed her mouth sitting there with her hands in her lap.

It took just a few seconds before the thermometer beeped and he removed it from her mouth. “Perfect,” he said as he added her temperature into the system. “And the doctor will be in with you soon,” he told them as he slowly moved to exit the room.

Jaden gazed at Cymone with soft and loving eyes and he said, “I hope you don’t have the flu.”

“I doubt it” Cymone said to the boy as she got comfortable again, “I don’t have all the flu like symptoms there is” she reminded him. “I sound like I am as healthy as a horse” she acknowledged “we probably didn’t have to come,” she told him, not wanting to have come in the first place.

Jaden shook his head. “Not when you’re throwing up every morning,” he told her easily.

Cymone looked to him, she smirked slightly at his response and looked away. “Yes sir” she said a bit of sarcasm in her voice as she chuckled at herself.

Jaden smiled softly at Cymone. “Just trying to make sure my wife is okay,” he said sweetly before there was a knock on the door.

“I know” Cymone replied back to him sweetly and as she heard a knock she said “come in” to the obvious doctor.

Dr. Miller walked into the room when he was giving the go ahead and he smiled. “Hello” he said “I am doctor Miller” he announced to them both “pleasure seeing you today” he added. “And you are Cymone correct?” he asked reaching out his hand and then he did the same to the gentlemen in the room. Once that was over, he moved to sit down and said, “so what is troubling you?” to her.

Jaden smiled at Cymone before he looked to the door as the doctor entered. He smiled at the man and shook his hand. “Nice to meet you,” he said coolly.

Cymone nodded her head “thanks” she said to the man and at his question she sighed. “I took a trip to Paris a few weeks ago. And since I’ve returned to the states, I have honestly not been able to keep much down, and I was truly bedridden” she told the man. “But like I told the nurse. I didn’t eat any usual items in Paris, we stuck to very basic foods” she said jumping right into it. “Aside from vomiting all I’ve experienced is extreme jet lag a little cramping and bloating” she acknowledged.

Dr. Miller nodded his head at the woman jotting everything she was saying down on the clipboard he had. “Okay” he said simply to her, what she was experiencing could be a number of things. He looked up and said “fatigue, nausea, bloating, and vomiting” he listed “nothing more?” he asked for good measure and he then said. “You are fairly healthy to me, all vitals checked out, you are a thirty-seven-year-old woman, who’s weight is moderate. Your family line of health seems to be fairly good. At this time, I can’t truly pinpoint a possible cause for this outside of stress maybe. Maybe your career is bringing upon some stress and your body is reacting to that?” he suggested. “However, I am going to run a few tests. Starting out with the basics. I’ll gather something to get a urine sample from you and we can start there” he told her.

Jaden listened as Cymone and the doctor spoke. Fatigue, nausea, bloating, and vomiting. Slowly his eyes grew wide and he sat straight-up in his seat as he gazed at Cymone. Was she pregnant? He cocked his head to the side as he looked at her and he licked his lips slowly.

Cymone nodded her head at the man “yeah, okay” she told him as she ignored him dropping her age in the middle of the conversation as if that had anything to do with, well anything. She nodded again “okay, that’s fine” she offered as she looked over at Jaden with a raised eyebrow. Why was he staring at her like that?

“Alright, give me one second and I’ll have the nurse bring in that cup for your urine sample” Dr. Miller said to the woman as he moved to stand up and exit the room, closing the door behind him.

As the doctor walked out, Jaden stood up slowly and moved for Cymone. He stood before her, gently placing his hands on her stomach. “Cymone…” he breathed out carefully.

The young man knocked on the door lightly before he entered the room with the cup and hazardous bag in hand. “Here you are,” he said as he placed the two items, on the counter, a label already on the cup. “There’s a bathroom right down this hallway on your left,” he explained before he crept out of the room.

Cymone looked to Jaden as he got up and eyebrow raised further, as he rested his hand on her stomach, she shifted her face scrunching slightly. “What?” she asked before she heard a knock on the door again. “Okay” she said getting up and grabbing the items before she looked to Jaden again “I’ll be right back” she offered, looking him over again crazily as she moved for the restroom down the hall. When she was finished completely Cymone moved back into the room, having given her sample to the nurse that was already in the hall. She reentered and sat down in the chair she was in before and stretched her legs out.

Jaden gazed into Cymone’s eyes before the nurse came in and he exhaled a breath, slowly backing away from her as she slid from the examination table. His face turned bright red and he inhaled deeply. “Okay,” he mumbled softly as he sat down. His head was spinning. Was she pregnant? He sat there awestruck in a daze even as Cymone came back into the room.

Cymone heard her phone buzzing she moved to get up and she searched through her purse for it. When she grabbed it, she looked at it and responded to a quick text message from her sister. She didn’t know what had gotten into Jaden, but she wasn’t going to question it.

As Cymone’s phone buzzed, Jaden snapped out of his ravine and he looked at her. “Are you pregnant?” he asked her in a quiet tone, his heart thudding in his chest.

Cymone tucked her phone away in her purse and she looked at Jaden. She’d been somewhat caught, now she didn’t know fully what was going on, just speculated. However, she had taken herself off her birth control and hadn’t told him. But he wanted this, remember? “I have no clue,” she shrugged. “Why?”

“Cymone,” Jaden said swallowing hard. “Tell me the truth, do you think you might be pregnant?” he asked her. His mouth was so dry at the moment, he was sure he was having a panic attack. He wanted a baby with her, of course he did, but a baby and marriage all at the same time, plus he was going to be meeting her parents in less than a week. He needed to sit down, but he was already sitting down. “Shit…” he muttered under his breath. “Cymone… your parents…” he said looking into her eyes.

Cymone looked to Jaden and she ran her hand against her hair. “I took myself off my birth control, but that is what you wanted. That’s what you asked me to do Jaden” she said back to him. “I don’t know, I could be. I’ve thought about it” she said to him. As he looked to her, she shrugged “what about them Jaden?” She asked him, what was done was done now. They hid this craziness for the last year and there was no way they both thought they could go another 10 or 20 doing so. “I agreed to the baby, I didn’t know you were going to propose...” she said through her teeth as she shifted in her chair.

Listening to her, Jaden began to hear a ringing in his ears. Is this what dying felt like? He was going into shock. Actual shock. He blinked slowly. “I’m not mad,” he told her quickly. “I…” he trailed off, blinking slowly again. He was sweating. “Cymone… I don’t feel so good…” he told her honestly, placing his hand on his forehead as he leaned back in the chair slightly, staring up at the ceiling. His eyes closed and he inhaled and exhaled slowly trying to calm himself down. Lifting his head back up, he looked at her, standing slowly. His legs felt like jello as he walked over to her. He placed his hands over hers and gently rested his forehead against hers. “I’m going to be a father,” he whispered. “You’re going to be a mother.”

As Jaden continued to speak Cymone just looked to him, she didn’t have time for this at all right now. In her opinion there was too much going on and she didn’t know if she liked any of it at all. She just wanted to do her, but here she is buying into things that she did not want a year ago. As he moved over to her, she said “you don’t know that” plainly. She sounded very bitter and upset, not that she was but honestly, she just wanted him to sit down and allow the medical professionals to do what they had to. She didn’t even want to come for this reason, she was old as hell, there could be a million things wrong with her outside of a pregnancy.

Jaden let out a breath at how calm she was, and he sighed out. She wasn’t freaking out like he was, clearly. Maybe she wasn’t pregnant, but all the signs were there. Pulling back, he squeezed her hands gently and moved to sit down. Calming his nerves some. “Okay…” he whispered as he sat back in his chair. “You’re right…” he admitted.

Dr. Miller knocked on the door before he moved inside and looked at the two people seated. “Well” he said easily “I know exactly what has been troubling you” he said matter-of-factly as he moved to sit down on his stool. “You are pregnant, if I had to estimate it, maybe 4 to 6 weeks along. But that is also outside of my jurisdiction really” he announced to her. “Nothing else we ran popped for us but that one, I don’t think it’s the flu or anything more” he acknowledged with a smile. “Congratulations” she told her.

Cymone watched Jaden sat back down and when the doctor knocked on the door and entered she looked to him. As he announced that he knew what was wrong with her, her heart sank to her feet. She was pregnant, any other test through a urine sample just wouldn’t add up. God why did she let this happen, so damn foolish, so damn stupid, blind. As he announced that she was, she rolled her eyes shut for a moment before opening them. “Okay” she breathed to the man “makes sense” she offered as she sat up a little.

Jaden watched as the doctor walked in and he waited with bated breaths. As he announced that Cymone was indeed pregnant, his heart began to beat in his chest once more. She was pregnant, just like he thought. She didn’t seem happy though. Slowly he looked to the doctor and said, “thank you Doctor. Do you have any recommendations for an O/B?”

“There is one connected to our facility” Dr. Miller said to the boy “however” he said thumbing through her records and files. “I see her you’ve had two previous pregnancies, so I am sure you have your very own right Ms. Smith?” he asked the woman confidently as if he hadn’t spilt all of her business to the young boy in the room.

As Jaden spoke, Cymone shifted in her seat again “it’s alright we can find one-” she tried to breathe until the man announced her medical history for the World. Cymone blinked very slowly before she nodded her head “yes, I actually do know of one that I really am comfortable with” she confirmed. “Thank you so much for your time,” she told him as he grabbed her purse prepared to leave.

Listening to the doctor, Jaden nodded slowly, trying not to show his shock on his face before he looked at Cymone. At her words, he shifted in his seat, slightly uncomfortable. “Thank you, doctor,” he said as he moved to stand, and he moved out the room with Cymone quietly. His head was really spinning now.

Cymone offered the man a simple smile as she shook his hand and moved to leave out of the room. She licked her lips as she pulled her phone out looking for the doctors contact information in her contacts as they walked.

Moving behind her slowly, Jaden’s mind was running a mile a minute. He had questions. Just a few. Gently he wrapped his arm around her waist, walking with her, his stance widening as he placed his chin atop her head. His large hand rested gently over her stomach, protectively.

Cymone looked towards the door opening it and walking out before she stopped by the receptionist. “I would love a copy of the testing they had done,” she told the woman politely. She had finally found the number and she watched as the woman moved to make copies of the medical information that stemmed from today. Once the woman handed it over, she thanked her and moved towards the entrance, to leave. She called the office from her phone and held it up to her ear, sticking the papers in her bag and grabbing the keys to her G-Wagon and she moved towards it unlocking the doors. “Yes,” she breathed “my name is Cymone Smith, I’ve been a patient of Dr. Bishop before and I needed to set up an appointment to see him soon” she said as she climbed into the car sitting her purse aside. “Yes” she said sighing as she leaned against the seat starting up the car and putting her seatbelt on. “Smith, S, M, I, T, H” she breathed out “Cymone, C, Y, M, O, N, E” she spelled out for the woman. “Yes, as soon as possible. I am leaving another doctor’s office, in which I was told that I am expecting, and I need to find an actual OBGYN to set up an appointment with” she confirmed as she backed out of the space and moved down the road. “Monday is perfect” she nodded. “9 am works for me, thank you so much,” she breathed. “You to” she said as she hung the phone up, dropping it into her purse as she stopped at a red light, looking down at her Rolex for a moment.

Jaden moved in sync with Cymone, his hand resting over her stomach as he did. As they moved outside, he slowly pulled away from her, sliding into the passenger seat of the car as she made her phone call. Clearing his throat, he looked over at her slowly as she hung up the phone and he let out a breath. “You didn’t have the other two, did you?” he asked her curiously. There were no signs of ever having had children in her house and his only other assumption could be that if she had them, they were with the father. But that also didn’t seem likely.

Cymone looked towards Jaden for a second and she looked back to the road as the light turned green. “My first pregnancy was with my first husband” she told him easily “I was in college and the marriage lasted 2 years” she shrugged “he wasn’t a good man, not one you’d take back home to your parents, the entire thing was a sham and I was scared. So, I had an abortion” she told him. “The second time was with my third husband” she said coldly she hated talking about Brian. “I lost the baby” she told him blinking slowly. “I wanted that baby so bad” she breathed as she looked at the road trying not to cry, she blinked her tears away. “I just never… tried with anyone else. I didn’t want to feel that same pain again” she confessed even as she wiped a stray tear.

Jaden gazed at Cymone with soft eyes as she began to explain. He was a little shocked that she had been married three times but also, she was older than he, she had lived her life and made connections with people long before she met him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, rubbing her shoulder gently.

Cymone wiped her cheek quickly “I’m fine” she lied as she continued to drive down the road wiping a tear from the other eye. “This baby makes me nervous” she admitted outright as she turned the corner. “I don’t have a domestic bone in my body, I am 37 years old” she stressed to Jaden “I’ll be 40 in 3 years” she said looking over at him for a moment before she looked back at the road. “And I am scared, I don’t want to lose this baby” she told him. “It’s a lot going on right now” she sighed heavily as she stopped at a red light again.

Jaden listened to Cymone and he continued to rub her shoulder lovingly. “Cymone you’ll be a wonderful mother,” he told her honestly. “I mean sometimes you mother me…” he admitted knowingly. “You’ve got it in you.” Licking his lips slowly he bit his lip. “This baby will be fine,” he breathed. He needed their baby to be fine. “I’ll wait on you hand and foot if that’s what it takes,” he admitted.

Cymone glanced over at the boy again and she sighed heavily “okay” she said to him softly as she nodded her head moving towards their home.

Leaning over, Jaden pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. “I love you so much Cymone,” he told her honestly, traces of raw emotion in his voice.

Cymone looked to Jaden as he kissed her cheek and she nodded sniffling a little as she smiled. “I love you too” she breathed as she looked back to the road, wiping another tear with her finger.

Stroking her cheek, Jaden was a little shocked. Cymone wasn’t really one to show a lot of emotions. So, this was really new for him. “Let’s just take everything one step at a time,” he told her gently. “Do you want to hold off on getting married to focus on this?” he asked her honestly willing to do whatever she needed.

At his next suggestion she nodded her head, she guessed he was right about that. They did need to take everything slow, or her rather. Cymone pulled up into their driveway and she let the garage down and closed the gate to the home. Pulling into it she parked the car and turned it off “I don’t know baby,” she said to him before she said. “If you would have asked me for all this stuff a year ago, I would have never agreed to any of it” she said truthfully. “But I love you so much” she admitted again “and now all those little things I didn’t want are big things that I crave” she sighed. “I’m just nervous…” she reminded “we hadn’t set a date or talked about the wedding anyway” she shrugged “I guess we play everything by ear…”

Nodding slowly, Jaden’s heart swelled in his chest. “Playing it by ear works for me. How about this. We go to the appointment on Monday and we figure out things with the baby. Once you get into your second trimester, let’s sit down once or twice a month and do some wedding planning so that we don’t stress and we pace ourselves,” he suggested.

Unfastening her seatbelt from around her, Cymone rested her head in his direction and she nodded at him. His plan actually made very good sense, that would take a lot of pressure off her and him, plus the first trimester was a trying time. Clearly, look how sick she’d been so far. Licking her lips “I like that idea baby; it would make things a bit easier for both of us actually” she told him. “With all the work I’ve invested into this year already and these things…” she sighed “I would have to pace myself a lot,” she acknowledged.  

Jaden licked his lips softly, rubbing Cymone’s arm gently as she leaned towards him and he shifted his body towards her as well. “Do you think maybe you should have a few of your project managers step in a bit more to help you with everything?” he asked her softly. “If you want to stay over everything I understand,” he added. “I might take a semester off to help out more,” he said thoughtfully. He just wanted to be there for her in any way that he could.

“I don’t have any, I don’t trust people. But my sister suggested it when she first heard word of me feeling ill and I think I am going to have to find someone to oversee a few things” she told him honestly. “Take a semester off?” she repeated “no Jaden, you need to finish school. The quicker the better actually” she told him. She didn’t know what the boy’s plans were but Cymone knew for a fact he had to get some going for himself that was substantial. Right now, she served as nothing more than his sugar mama and she wasn’t going to do that for the rest of her life, especially not if she married him. He had to bring something to the plate too.

Jaden took in what Cymone had to say and he let out a small hum. “Just one or two people to take the stress off,” he said lovingly. “There’s got to be someone out there that is professional, and you can find and trust,” he said thoughtfully. “Just one,” he said to her easily. “I’ll still finish school no question in that but baby, I’m going to need to be around more for you,” he told her with care in his voice.

“I will get right to it” Cymone told him as she licked her lips shifting in her seat again. “Jaden look” Cymone said “I will be fine while you are at school for 3 or 4 hours a day” she tried to reason. “You are going to be a father and you have all intentions of being a husband soon. It’s that time” she tried to say without sounding motherly “to you know, finish this up and get a career…” she said lightly her teeth grazing her bottom lip.

Shifting slightly, Jaden let out a sigh and nodded. She was right. “Okay,” he began. “You’re right… it’s just 3 more years and I’m done. Why drag it out…” he said thoughtfully as he placed his hand over hers. “It’ll all work itself out…” he said in general.

“It will” Cymone said to him confidently as she leaned in towards him, wanting a kiss on her lips. “Give me some suga’” she said lovingly.

Smiling, Jaden leaned in, kissing her lips lovingly. “Anytime, baby,” he said cheekily as he kissed her again.

[renee-writer]

That Eye Chapter 4

On Wattpad

I don’t worry, at first. She is eighteen and technically an adult. Going out with her friends isn’t a big deal. Even when she doesn’t come home, I am not to concerned. An adult, I remind myself. She is an adult. Even though I don’t like her boyfriend, Owen; hey what dad likes his daughter’s boyfriend, she has the right to see him. I do like her best friend, Anya. They have been best friends since early grade school. Anya is stronger then Willow. She always has been. My wife and I trust her to look out for Willow.

 

When she doesn’t return the next day, we start to get concerned. “We should call Anya.” She says. Willow’s phone goes straight to voicemail. I nod in agreement. When Willow turned eighteen, three months previous, we had made a deal to give her more space, not to call Anya if we couldn’t reach her. We had kept it but…

 

She places it on speaker so we can both hear. “Mrs. Samuel, how are you this morning?”

 

“A bit worried, Anya. You are on speaker. Is Willow with you?”

 

“No, I haven’t seen her since she broke up with Owen.”

 

“She broke up with Owen?”

 

“Yes Mr. Samuel, she…ah just last night. I… well I will have her tell you why.”

 

“We will have to see her first.”

 

“Dang, I really don’t know where she is. “

 

“Anya, when and where did you last see her.”

 

“We were all at the Burger Joint. Her and Owen had their conversation. He left. We talked for awhile then, I left. I asked her if she wanted to come with but she said she wanted some time to herself, to think. That was about twelve-thirty.”

 

“Thank you Anya. I think Mrs. Samuel and  I should report this to the police.”

 

“It has only been a few hours. They are open 24/7. Heck, she might still be there.”

 

“Possible. I just have a bad feeling about it.”

 

“Remie, August, we just got a report you will want to see.” Detective Frank, from missing persons, stands at their office door. “We usually wouldn’t take a report this soon but, we remembered your case.” He walks in and hands the report over. “Her parents report that she didn’t come home last night, after a breakup with her boyfriend.” Both their eyebrows raise at this, “ Yeah thought the same. She matches the age range and description. Last seen at the Burger Joint at around 12:30 last night by her friend. Told her she needed a few minutes to herself.”

 

They read through the report. “Thank you. This could be our victim. I will call her parents.” August says. Again he thinks of Paisley. To get such a call… Breathing in to try to find his professional self, he gets their number from the report and places the call.

 

“Samuel residence.”

 

“Mr. Samuel, I am Detective August and am following up on the report about your daughter.”

 

“Oh, I was lead to believe she wasn’t missing long enough.” Here he must be delicate. He doesn’t wish to unnecessarily upset him but, needs to get as much information as he can.

 

“Normally yes. I see in the report that Willow is 5’7 and weighs around 110 pounds?”

 

“Yes, she is a cheerleader and keeps in great shape. Do you have an idea about where she is? You do, don’t you?” August hears the phone rattle on the other end. Suddenly he hears a new voice, the mother.

 

“Do you know where our Willow is?”

 

“Mrs. Samuel, if you and your husband can just answer a few questions, first.” She knows. They always do. In his six years in homicide, they always do.

 

 

“No!!!” He hears the phone drop and then some soft mumbles before it is picked back up.

 

“Detective, tell us straight, has something happened to Willow?”

 

“Possibly,” he sighs, “A young woman was found that matches her description. I don’t want to put you through an ID until we are as sure as we can be, it is her.”

 

He hears the unshed tears in his voice but he stays strong. “My wife will not be able assist you but I will.”

 

“Understood. I am sorry I have to put you through this. “ another sigh. He loathes this part of the job, especially with the questions he  will need to ask. “Willow, do you know her virginity status?” He braces for an explosive reaction. That is what he would do. He is surprised.

 

A tired sigh. “She was a virgin. We were quite proud of that. Has it changed?”

 

He doesn’t answer that question. “Pierced ears?”

 

“Yes, a gift from us when she was five. We worried she wouldn’t be able to keep them clean. She surprised us.”

 

“What color are her fingers and toes painted?”

 

“Toes red and fingers pink.”

 

“Eye color?”

 

“Depends on her mood and the lighting. Anywhere from almost brown to light green. Detective August, do you have our little girl?”

 

“I think you need to come down here and see if you can tell us.” Silence in the other end. He counted a minute and fifteen seconds before he answers him.

 

“ I will be there.” He hangs up without another word. August replaces the receiver and lowers his head. Remie touches his arm.

 

“Always tough. Do you want me to do the ID?”

 

He looks up and ties to smile. “No but thanks. I think one father to another will be better. I will call over to George and let him know.”

 

The bodies are brought to a special room for ID. A lot cleaner then the autopsy room with thick curtains covering the window until the friend or family member is ready to have a look.

 

Mr. Samuel arrives twenty minutes after hanging up. An man of average height with slowly greying brown hair, thinning a bit. He could be any man walking the street. August is about to see if he was the father of a murder victim.”

 

“I am Detective August. I am sorry we have to meet under these circumstances.”

 

“Detective August, Mark Samuel. Homicide, are you?” he asks while shaken his proffered hand.

 

“I am. My partner, Detective Remington and I were called to this case. Are you ready to do this?”

 

“No but, I never will be. Let’s get it done.”

 

They stand across from the thick black curtains and the body on the other side for five minutes before Mr. Samuel nods. August opens them and Mr. Samuel slowly opens his eyes. Out of all the reactions he has witnessed to this situation, his was the most common. He presses his hands to the glass, as he can make it go away by blocking the view. A few scream and wail but, they are the least common. Most, like Mr. Samuel, have a more quiet and private, breakdown. He slides to the floor, head in his hands. A moan as he starts to rock back and forth. “My Willow. My baby! Oh God!” August closes the curtain and kneels down before him.

 

“I am so sorry, for your lose.”

 

“How?”

 

“She was found strangled in Christ Church cemetery.”

 

Tears spill out and he starts to shiver. “She had her whole life ahead of her. Just turned 18 three months ago. Was taken a gap year then off to college. She wanted to be a virologist. Now… oh my baby. My little Willow.”

 

“Come let’s get you out of here and get your statement.”

 

“Statement, yes I am a suspect. Always are first. Family and then…”

 

He follows him out his face pale and his eyes down. When they are almost back to his office, he stops. “Owen! That bastard killed my baby!” several people look up from their desks and then back down. Such outbursts are common in homicide.

 

“Who is Owen?”

 

“Willow just broke up with him last night. That is what her best friend Anya told us.”

 

“Okay, “ they are in the office. He introduces him to Remie. She expressed her sympathy also. August had sent a message from the viewing room. “Now Mr. Samuel, tell me all about Owen, starting with a last name.”

 

“Owen Harold. He is a football player. My daughter meet him through that. I mean, even though they attend the same school, it is big, you know. When Willow became a cheerleader in her junior year, they meet. I never liked him.”

 

“Why?” Remie asks.

 

“Does any father like the boy his daughter brings home, “ he waves that off. “He is cocky. Treats me and my wife just polite enough. There is something under it though. Contempt. The Harold’s have money. We don’t. But, Willow is crazy about, oh God, was crazy about him.”

 

“Do you know what could have caused the fight.”

 

“I can imagine. I believe he was pressuring her. Ever since they graduated and she become an adult, it had gotten worse. Is my daughter still a virgin?”

 

This time they must answer him.”

 

“No.” Remie says softly. He closes his tears behind his closed eyes, for a moment.

 

“He took what she would give and then took her life.”

 

“Possibly. We are working that angle.”

 

“I know you have a ton more questions but. I have to go home and tell Sara. How am I to?”

 

“Just one more thing?”

 

“ Detectives August and Remington, my wife and I were home all night, worrying about our child but not wanting to bug. She had just recently turned eighteen and we were trying to give her some space. If only we hadn’t.” He stands and gives them his contact information. “We must plan a funeral. When can we have our baby back?”

 

“The funeral home can pick her up today.”

 

“Thank you. Sara and I will be at home. I know you need to talk to us both a lot more. We will be there.” He shuffles out, his head down, looking twenty years older.

 

“I hate this part.” August softly says.

 

“Yeah, me too. Why don’t we pay lover boy a visit.”

 

“Yes.”

[biancas8thsea-blog]

I thought this would be nice for the people remember my old blog

1: Name

Alex

2: Age

532 this year! :D

3: 3 Fears

SPIDERS, heartbreak, and homophobia (homophobiaphobic?????)

4: 3 things I love

Water, peace of mind, and acceptance 

5: 4 turns on

I’m asexual so let me just---

I find it really cute when people talk about what they love, are open, are very active, and smile a lot

6: 4 turns off

Still asexual~

I hate liars, disrespectful people, casanovas, and cringey people

7: My best friend

They hate me, so it would be wrong to tag them

8: Sexual orientation

Panromantic and asexual :D

9: My best first date

I just love being with them, I don’t really care about much else

10: How tall am I

5′4″

11: What do I miss

The ocean

12: What time were I born

10:20 pm

13: Favorite color

Blue~

14: Do I have a crush

I HATE LOVE SO MUCH! I do and it causes me so much pain, I’m good tho! :D

15: Favorite quote

“If you’re still bleeding then you are the lucky one because most of our feelings are dead and gone.”

16: Favorite place

The beach! <3

17: Favorite food

Ramen

18: Do I use sarcasm

Do I? Nooooooooooooooooo~

19: What am I listening to right now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9yjnVjgDjs&start_radio=1&list=RDH9yjnVjgDjs

Colour & Electricity 

20: First thing I notice in new person

Their eyes and scent

21: Shoe size

6 in women and 4 in men

22: Eye color

Green ring on the outside, blue inside with flecks of gray, and hazel ring around the pupil. It reminds me of the ocean

23: Hair colour

Blonde with natural highlights

24: Favorite style of clothing

Androgynous

25: Ever done a prank call?

Nah 

27: Meaning behind my URL

I formed my own sea :D

28: Favorite movie

Love, Simon

29: Favorite song

Youth by Daughter 

30: Favorite band

Yunomi

31: How I feel right now

Nothing

32: Someone I love

They hate me too, so I will not tag them either. They cause me too much pain anyways haha

33: My current relationship status

Single

34: My relationship with my parents

I don’t like talking about it

35: Favorite holiday

HALLOWEEN BIATCH

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

My ears are peirced

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

None please

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

I just wanted to one day

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

I hate them, but they are indifferent towards me. I hold grudges

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

I wish man 

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Nope

42: When did I last hold hands?

July 29, 2018 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

6 years

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?

I shaved my legs for this post haha

45: Where am I right now?

Mon lit

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

I’ll be dead before I can drink

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

LOUD

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

It’s always a fight here, we could replace WWE

49: Am I excited for anything?

A moment of peace

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

I don’t have many real friends

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

I hate fake smiling. I start to cry instantly, I’d rather frown (does anyone get the reference?)

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Like 2 hours ago (It’s 1:33 am now)

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

Bitch slapped

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

HELL YEAH A LOT OF THEM

55: What is something I disliked about today?

I haven’t slept yet

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My doppelganger

57: What do I think about most?

Imperfections and heartbreak

58: What’s my strangest talent?

I can vibrate my eyes

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

Being chased

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

BEHIND

61: What was the last lie I told?

“I don’t love you”

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Talking on the phone. I hate video chats

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Yup

64: Do I believe in magic?

Yeah

65: Do I believe in luck?

I’m lucky I haven’t jumped off the bridge

66: What’s the weather like right now?

Dark and hella hot

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

The Lightning Thief, I think. I reread it not too long ago

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

I’m iffy about it

69: Do I have any nicknames?

Alex, Bianca, Lexi, Mama, and Mika

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

Bloody eye

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Spend lmao

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

Nah mate

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

HELL YEAH MAN

74: Favorite animal?

Toads, frogs, fish, cats, and foxes

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Writing this post

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

It’s Schnoes (It means gravedigger)

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

ÑΣVΣR GΣ† U$ΣD †Ø PΣØPLΣ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqO8VgzrzHQ

78: How can you win my heart?

Get to know me and actually make an effort

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“I’m right behind you just smiling”

80: What is my favorite word?

Galaxy and Ocean

That’s more than one

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

Everyone from my old blog ask me in pm

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

“Get your shit together, everyone!”

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

My grandma went to jail when my mother was a child, but that’s about it

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

The power to throw up that shit and get no diseases (Water-breathing)

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“You promise?”

86: What is my current desktop picture?

Legit the windows logo

87: Had sex?

Still asexual

88: Bought condoms?

Haha nope

89: Gotten pregnant?

Asexual noise 

90: Failed a class?

Probably would kill myself if I did

91: Kissed a boy?

Too ugly for that

92: Kissed a girl?

Yes

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

No

94: Had job?

No

95: Left the house without my wallet?

All the time

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

Is swearing at them bullying?

97: Had sex in public?

Asexual scream

98: Played on a sports team?

Yeah

99: Smoked weed?

I don’t live in California

100: Did drugs?

Hell no

101: Smoked cigarettes?

Still no

102: Drank alcohol?

Accidentally a few times

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

I wish

104: Been overweight?

Haha totally

105: Been underweight?

Never

106: Been to a wedding?

Nope

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

Probably

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

Most likely

109: Been outside my home country?

Yup

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Right now buddy. Hurts like hell, still good tho :D

111: Been to a professional sports game?

Nah

112: Broken a bone?

No

113: Cut myself?

Let’s not

114: Been to prom?

Too young

115: Been in airplane?

Yep

116: Fly by helicopter?

I don’t think so

117: What concerts have I been to?

I can’t remember

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

Right now buddy

119: Learned another language?

Not entirely 

120: Wore make up?

A few times

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

Asexual screeching 

122: Had oral sex?

Asexual pterodactyl screams

123: Dyed my hair?

Does Kool-Aid and sharpie count?

124: Voted in a presidential election?

Still a smol baby

125: Rode in an ambulance?

Nope

126: Had a surgery?

Yeah, and I was awake

127: Met someone famous?

I can’t recall

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

Haha totally 

129: Peed outside?

Not that I remember 

130: Been fishing?

I usually watch 

131: Helped with charity?

Yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?

Hell yeah my dude

133: Broken a mirror?

Not that I can remember

134: What do I want for birthday?

An actual friend

135: One fact about you

I’m gender neutral 

If you need my new blog and you used to follow me, pm me

[crimsonkxk]

Eating Disorders

It started as a diet. It always starts as a diet. I was 12 or 13 when I decided that I was ugly and fat. I thought I was ugly because I didn’t have hair and my parents had eluded to my weight a few times and I had been called fat before. So I decided that if I couldn’t be pretty I would be skinny. It started with lunch, I traded lunch for a salad, then no chicken on the salad, then I measured out my cereal in the morning then no breakfast, then no lunch, then I would barely eat dinner and work out for two hours. By the time I was 14 I weighed 120 pounds and then when I was 15 I weighed close to 110. I never reached my goal I was hospitalized but not for the eating disorder but for chronic bipolar disorder. I was hearing and seeing things so they put me on an antipsychotic which the biggest side effect is weight gain.

For the last 4 years (I’m 19) it has been a pattern of try to lose weight give up on the healthy way and throw up, gain weight and repeat. I am now 174 pounds. I remember when I told myself that when I hit 140 I was gonna kill myself. And in complete honesty I am unhappy with that number. They say that an eating disorder never gets cured. I still have thoughts, temptation, and hatred sometimes for the way I look. In the summer of 2017 I lost 30 pounds of fat on a ketosis diet and I looked good at 135. And then I went to college and gained 40 pounds in four months. Can not tell you how many times I have cried, had an episode, and wanted to kill myself just because of this. I work on it every day, I research healthy recipes, I work out, I drink water, and I get 8 hours of sleep. I still get upset after eating a meal and getting bloated.

I have to stop myself because I am not mindful about it and I have to remember that I am working on it and it will not happen overnight. Sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit for what we are actually doing. Remind yourself that you are only human and you can only go so far every day, but that you will get there. And for anyone with an eating disorder, I know you may hate yourself and you love your disorder but it just wants to kill you. I used to tell myself that I would rather die than be fat and honestly the number for me might be high but that doesn’t define who I am. When I am asked who I am I don’t put my weight, or measurements, or body type. I say that I am an artist, a singer, a scientist, a friend. Please don’t let anyone destroy themselves because they think the only thing that makes them is their weight. That is so not true. It’s okay to make yourself look nice but health is beautiful, taking care of yourself is beautiful.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #272

“i don’t care what you have to say - it makes no difference / it’s all because of you, we’re fuckin’ infamous.”

How many children are in your family? I have a big extended family, so uh... and what is the age cutoff for "children?" My simplest answer is three, that being my older sister's kids, but I do have a half-sister with some young-ish children, but I know none of them. Oh, and my other half-sister has kids too, but again, they're not that young, and the youngest son I've never met. What is something you and your parents used to argue over often? Money. What was your first word? "Dada." A fast food restaurant that you hate with a passion? Arby's is fucking disgusting. Give me a song that is underestimated/not well known. Probably like half of Otep's songs. "Lords of War" comes to mind first. Which one of your friends knows everything about you? Sara knows the most. Who is your favorite teacher that you have this year? N/A Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? No, I don't have that kind of patience. Like I've fiddled with 'em before if they're right at my disposal and I'm just sitting and waiting or something, but I've never gotten far. Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? It depends on what I'm talking about, but probably Sara. Or Mom, idk. Do you have a favorite metal band or do you not like metal? Ozzy, of course. Metal is my favorite genre. Are you talking to anyone right now? No. What’s your favorite kind of science? Genetics. Do you walk home or take a bus? From school? Well I'm not in school anymore, but for almost the entire time I was, my mom drove me and picked me up. I only took a bus for some of Jason's junior and all of his senior year to his house afterwards. Who did you last go to the movies with? My dad, I think. If you could see anyone (dead or alive) in concert, who would you pick? I'd probably choose Metallica so long as my mom could come. She laughed/cried hysterically when she found out they were finally coming here I think two years ago, but we couldn't go. She fucking adores Metallica, maybe more than I do Ozzy. She's always said that she only needs three things in life: God, her babies, and Metallica. Who’s the cutest person you know? Define "cute." The cutest fucking thing I have EVER seen was Sara when we went to a reptile expo together; she was a kid in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I could not stop smiling at her, jc. "Cute" as in who I feel most fits the traditional definition, my old friend Alon. I think I'll always answer "Alon" to questions like this lmao. How about the funniest? GIRT. Oh my FUCKING god, Girt. I've had my biggest and most frequent laughs with that guy. Have you ever had acne? I sure did going through puberty. It wasn't the worst in the world, but I definitely had it. Where is your biggest scar located? I think the scar from my surgery, but I can't see it so I can't *really* tell? Look up what a pilonidal cyst is to figure out where that's at, oof. Where did your last hug take place? A hotel room. Recently, Mom, my sisters, and I saw my grandmother for probably the last time. She was with her husband and Mom's brother passing through. She's quit chemo for pancreatic cancer as now it's just become unbearable, and it's obvious she doesn't have much time left. It was... weird, seeing her in such a skin-and-bone, very frail state. We've had a rocky relationship, but I'm going to miss her regardless. What is your current desktop picture? My favorite picture of Teddy. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell "bananas?" HA HA yes! Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? I love how healthy my hair is, but I'm definitely not a fan of how quickly it becomes oily. And I wish it knew how to hold some damn dye. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Not personally, but yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? First I took Latin, but I SUCKED at it, and then I took German for four semesters and loved it. If your cell phone broke, would your parents make you pay for a new one? No, considering I don't have a source of income. Are your parents still married? No. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Not currently, but I'd only go into one that's monogamous. Have you ever met your favorite band? No. Have you ever drawn on someone's face while they were sleeping? No, I'm not an asshole. Have you ever fallen down a hill? No, but I've certainly rolled down them as a kid. Would you scuba dive in shark-infested waters if you had the chance? I hate the term "shark-infested." It's where they live. But anyway, I don't think I'd swim with sharks, but maybe. What is your favorite slow song? BRO idk there's so many. Do you believe in karma? No. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? It would depend on their demeanor. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? I'd sure as hell want to, but I'd have a hard time getting through it. Are your pets asleep? Roman is probably snoozing by the window in the living room, and Venus probably is, given she's nocturnal. Have you ever wished you were an only child? No. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? As a kid I got in huge trouble for smacking my sister before. As an adult I haven't. What is your current favorite song? I'm pretty obsessed with NateWantsToBattle's cover of "Feel Good Inc." Is there something you do on a regular basis, that you don’t enjoy doing? Why? The person I copied this from answered "shower" and big same. Like of course I do it, but boy do I hate it. It's a chore to me and especially when I'm depressed, I'll put it off. Have you ever felt jealous of anyone else’s success? Yes. When it comes to success, I can be very envious. Never in a hateful way/wishing the person wasn't where they were at, but nevertheless, still envious. Who did you last speak to in person? Mom. Have you ever had a one-night stand? If you have, did you regret it afterwards? Never had one, don't plan to. Have you ever done something that you said you’d NEVER do? Yes. What was the last thing you asked for help with? Who did you go to for help? Uhhh... probably something from Mom, though I don't remember what. I've avoided that since she's recovering from surgery. Who was the last person to text you? Sara! If your significant other had several other sexual partners before you, how much would that bother you? Would you worry about being compared to the others? How many previous sexual partners do you think is acceptable? If they were serious relationships genuinely based on love, it wouldn't - to a degree. I have to be honest with myself and say like if my s/o had a large number of past sexual partners at our age, I'd be wary about their loyalty and dedication to one person. Idk what I'd consider "too many" exactly. For me, maybe like... six? Who was the last person of the opposite sex to send you a message on Facebook? What if you had a baby with that person? My friend Ian, and whoa buddy, we're just above acquaintances. How many people of your preferred sex have hurt you? Just one seriously. Have your friends ever talked to you about the forms of contraception they use? What form of contraception do you prefer? It's been casually mentioned, sure. I'm not sexually active so don't take any right now, but if I was, I'd be on birth control and demand condom usage because FUCK the chances of getting pregnant. If you told your parents that you were going to be a parent, how do you think they would react? I think they'd both be terrified for me. I have NO business raising a kid when I'm barely a proper adult. They'd also be confused as fuck about who the dad would be. You find out that the person you love/like is having a child with someone else. What do you say? If I found out somehow that Jason was going to be a dad, I can 100% GUARANTEE you I would faint, vomit, and have an emotional breakdown. Literally all three. I wouldn't be able to "say" anything. If I found out Sara was, I'd be pretty speechless and beyond terrified for her. When was the last time you said something and thought “Why the hell did I say that?” What exactly did you say, and who did you say it to? How did the person react? Hm. It's funny, I'm both very impulsive with what I can say if I'm upset or angry, but otherwise I seriously think twice about what's coming out of my mouth. I can't remember the last time the former happened. NO WAIT. So my chronic nightmares/terrors, right? A few days ago I woke up from one growling, "I'll break your fucking neck too, bitch," and it was to my very own mother, as she was choking me for some reason I don't remember. I was disgusted when I woke up. In these nightmares, I am SO much more aggressive than I actually am and it really scares me. It's gotten to the point that I'm genuinely scared of what I may be capable of. Who was the last person outside of family that told you they loved you? Sara. What song reminds you of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? My first real one, holy fucking shit, a lot. For where we currently stand, "Another Life" by Motionless In White haunts me. Not only is it his favorite band, but the lyrics just scream him and me. It's one of those that sometimes makes me tear up. I hate that I love that song. Outside of family, who were the last three girls you talked to? Sara, Summer, and Chelsea, I think. Outside of family, who were the last three guys you talked to? Uhhh Ian, my grandma's husband (he's not my actual grampa), and my sister's husband, probably, or nephew. Who is/was your strictest teacher in school? Mrs. P-something in 7th grade. I didn't not like her, she was just very strict. Have you ever felt so ill that you literally didn’t know what to do? Oh yeah, emotionally at least. At your part of the world, is it summer now? Yes, ew. What’s the warmest it can get over there? How about the coldest? Around 110*F; coldest, around... sub-20*F on rare days. Is there a bad habit you’re trying to break right now? I need to lay off the soda. Is it easy to find a job in your preferred field in your home town? FUCK no. Have you ever played the original Mass Effect trilogy? Nope. Have you ever made jewelry? The kiddy kinds with beads and stuff, yeah. Which app do you use the most on your phone? Umm Facebook or Dragons of Atlantis. Did you learn to play an instrument as a kid? If so, which one? In elementary school, we all learned the recorder. From middle school to my junior high school year, I played the flute. What is the best part of your most ordinary day? I don't even know anymore. If you learned that you suddenly needed an aid of some sort to do something that you normally don’t need (glasses, hearing aid, etc.) Would you comply or would you put it off until there was no choice anymore? It would definitely depend on the issue and its severity. What’s the strangest saying you’ve come across? Please tell me it's not just the South that says "it's colder than a witch's titty" lmao. Do you read any web comics? No. Which social media platform do you use the most, if any? Facebook. Which game did you play the most as a kid during recess? Does anyone remember "Four Square?" I don't even remember the rules, but my friends and I played it all the time. Are you one of those lucky people to own a walk-in closet? No, not that I need one honestly. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? I’ve told the story of my pebble from my partial hospitalization program many times. Besides that, something really random? Uhhh. There’s probably something, seeing as a lot of the things I keep mean something deep to me, but I don’t know about another truly strange one. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Usually. Do you have a wall calendar? In the kitchen. Have you ever been to Canada? No, but totally serious, I want to move there. I just realistically won’t because I don’t want to leave my family. Do you believe in superstitions? Nope. When was the last time you took a taxi somewhere? I’ve never been in a taxi. Would you ever join the army, airforce or navy? Hell no. How old is the person you last kissed? 22. What was the most embarrassing thing you've had to buy? Nothing. Have you ever mistaken a person's gender? Yes. What was the most expensive thing you've broken? I don’t know. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes, but thankfully it wasn’t severe. Can you focus well in high-stress situations? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK NO. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? Yes. I think I’ve shared before that in 9th grade, my teacher like deadass stopped her lecture just to point that out lmaoo. Is there anyone you dread going into public with? Not generally. It can sometimes happen with Dad just because he’s brutally honest and doesn’t have a filter, but it’s more like a discomfort than dread. Are you easily frightened? It depends on the situation. In most instances, yes. Do you have a favorite model? No. What's your current facebook display picture of? It’s just a headshot of me with my skull necklace and a tank top. Is there anyone whose hair you envy? Peoples’ whose actually hold color. >_> Have you ever dated someone who was extremely shy? No, I’m the shy one. Or have you dated someone who took things too fast? Yes. Do you or anyone you know have an account on Deviantart? I have one, and I know a few other people who do. Do you listen to Daughtry? Not really, except “No Surprise.” Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. Is there a pet that you desperately want? A tarantula, preferably a Brazilian Black. I’ve gotten soooo into tarantulas, but it’s a “hell no” from Mom about having one in her house. Would you ever get your bellybutton pierced? No. My stomach isn’t “pretty” and I know it sure wouldn’t look flattering. Are you one of those people who are always pushing their limits? I wish I could say yes. Have you ever made a totally amazing snow fort? No. I didn’t have the patience for that as a kid. All we really made out of snow were snowmen and balls to throw. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? Proportions. Is there someone you know moving away any time soon? I don’t believe so. Is there a garbage can in the room you’re currently in? No. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Who was the last person you apologized to? Mom, probably. Do you throw things when you’re frustrated? No. People who throw shit scare me. Do you prefer sharks or dolphins? Dolphins. Before meerkats, they were my favorite animal. What was the last piece of furniture you purchased? Purchased, I don’t know. A lot of what we have now is second-hand. Has anyone ever told you that you are too picky when it comes to the people you date? What about not picky enough? No one has said either. When was the last time you went to a bar? Never. What three things would you change about your life? Number one, be mentally stable. Two, my body. Three, be financially stable. Was there anything unusual or unique about your birth? There was an ice storm that Dad had to drive through lmao. What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? Man, idk. I don’t talk a lot to begin with. What is the next book you are going to read? Wings of Fire: The Dark Secret should come in the mail today!! :’) Describe the hardest decision you have ever made. I had to choose to either let Jason go or keep him in my heart until it killed me/I killed myself. I can almost 100% absolutely promise you if my life was continued how it was in 2016, I would NOOOOOOOT still be here. I think it’s pretty clear by now some scars are buried too deep to heal, seeing as he is literally faintly on my mind every day, but at least I know how to be happy without someone who didn’t believe in my strength. Why did you last see the doctor? I thought I broke my foot. Turns out I just tore a ligament, but badly. I think it’s been… one and half-two months and it’s only JUST starting to feel truly better. Day one, I couldn’t even walk. Days after, I had to have help. Then for weeks it was nothing but walking at a snail’s pace on the side of my foot. I’m so surprised it wasn’t broken. Post a recent picture of yourself. WOW what timing considering I took a picture yesterday, and I barely ever take any. I EVEN PUT MAKEUP ON!!!

[rattygoth]

Ana and Me

In class, my eyes barely stay open. Sounds of the teacher are muffled in my ears. I grip my vibrating stomach. My legs wobble and my head spins upon standing. Colours dance across my blurry vision, but I shake it off and float to the clinic, as requested by my teacher, Mrs Novak. My shaky, bony hands sign in and present the hall pass to the nurse.

“Again, Mister Blakely?” Ms R. asks upon my arrival. I nod. “What is it now?” “I’m fine, I swear. Just tired. Mrs Novak is just overreacting like usual,” I tell her. “Have you eaten?” she pokes. I stare blankly. “Well ?” “Yeah, yeah, earlier. Lunch. I had lunch,” I lie. I haven't had anything pass my lips in 90 hours. Her look of disbelief is discouraging. Ms R. continues to give me lectures about how I need to ‘fuel my car for the highway of life’ or something like that. “Well, this is all I can do to help,” she says, handing me some crackers. I slowly walk down the hall, 220 calories in hand. My first instinct is to bring my hand up to my mouth and nibble on the salty cracker. The feeling of the dry, sticky mound in my mouth makes me gag and I run to the bathroom to throw up. The yellow bile stares back up at me from the toilet. My stomach heaves two, three more times. I brush my teeth at the sink and avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror to evade another purge. Outside of the bathroom, I see my best friend, ana, waiting for me. “You good, blake?” she asks. “Yeah, fine,” I tell her. “How long since you’ve eaten?” “90 hours,” I report “Good. you’ll get to 110 hours in no time,” she replies. “If Mrs Novak doesn't stop sending me to the nurse because she thinks I'm not okay, I might not,” “You’ll push through. You’ll make it, I know it. You’ll be perfect eventually.” “Easy for you to say, you’re already perfect. Most of the kids give me looks because I'm not perfect.” “Don't worry about them,” she snaps, “they're all just jealous,” “They're all just jealous,” I repeated quietly. “You should probably go back to class. But hey,” she stops me, “nobody is there for you the way I am. Remember that.” “I know.” *** Children don't quite understand how precious their childhood is. As teenagers, we remember our time on the playground and miss the days when our biggest problems were scraped knees and broken toys. This is what I'm thinking about as I lay on my floor, staring at the glowing stars left on my ceiling by my past self. “Hey,” Ana says, standing over me. “Oh, hey” how long was she standing there? “Your parents offered me dinner, said I was getting too skinny, but they're probably just envious. Everyone wants to be this skinny” she says, flaunting her gaunt body. “Yeah, I know,” I grumble. “Hey, you’ll get there. Now,” she points to me, “shirt.” I obey her silent request and reveal my ribs protruding through my thin, pale skin. “This,” she pinches my belly, “has to go. You know that.” “It will be gone soon” I nod reassuringly “Better be if you want to be perfect.” I know what needs to go, but she points it out every time and I let her because she’s so perfect and I wish I could be like her. My bones ache to be shown. She pushes me every day to work harder, go faster, think thinner. We exercise every day to assure that the future will be thin. We look at thinspo on Tumblr and she points out that I should look like that and I will one day if I listen to her. I will be happy. Most of the picture, however, are of girls. Skinny girls. There’s hardly ever pictures of skinny boys. That’s not how society works nowadays. Society hates fat people, especially fat girls. But there’s perfection for everyone if you know how to get it. *** The water in my shower is too hot and my skin burns and turns red. My blood pumps harder and my heart races faster to keep up. I leave the water at its scalding temperature and suffer through it. I don’t even feel it after a while. I don't feel anything. My mind is blank and my body is numb. “So tomorrow, we’ll have a 300 calorie limit to break our fast” Ana says, sitting on the sink. I respond blankly with ‘okay’s and ‘yeah’s from my searing shower. Every thought in my mind during the day was about how disgusting I was and how I was going to make myself perfect. I obsess over every little thing all day long. How I look, how I smell, how I sound, how many calories are in every single thing around me, checking calories, regretting eating little pieces of food, every single little thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day I end up calorie checking the air around me and stop breathing. In the shower, however, my mind shuts off. I do the one thing that everyone does, the only normal thing in my life. Showering feels normal. It’s the one time of the day that everyone does in basically the same way. It’s my safe place, where I don't have to think about anything at all. No worries for a whole twenty minutes of my day. I shut my brain off and allow Ana to take over. In my room, I look at my angular body and the trace amounts of fat that need to go. I scowl at the small burn marks on my leg that have turned into larger scars. I throw my sweatpants and a baggy shirt on right before ana walks in. she looks so amazing. Perfect. Thin. beautiful. I’ve known Ana since I was seven years old. She ran up to me one day and called me fat, but we became best friends anyway. She told me that in order to be happy, you need to exercise. It went from simple exercise to dieting, to counting calories, to straight up not eating. She lured me into it. She taught me that to be happy you have to be skinny. It's an addiction, not eating. You get a certain sense of power and control. Ana has always been there for me when no one else was. And now, ten years later, I watch her pull her shorts over her tiny hip bones and feel a sort of envy. She’s the only girl who hasn't rejected me, yet I felt no attraction to her. She’s always just been my best friend, my partner in crime. Laying on my floor, we talk about things I could only say to her. “Think about it, blake. Think about when you're going to be skinny, all the things you can do when you are” ana says “Not being disgusted when I look in the mirror. Confidence. Wearing whatever I want. Everything will be okay” I say back to her “Yeah. and all you have to do is not eat. It's the simplest thing ever, yet it's so hard to do. You just do nothing” “It's hard. Sometimes I want to just give up and eat whatever I want. I was a normal person once.” “Normal people are fat, blake. You will not be fat. You don't want to be fat. You want to be perfect.” she snaps at me “I know, I know. I will remember that. I want to be perfect.” *** 146 hours since there was food in my stomach. I sit at my school desk and watch the concerned faces around me. They’re all jealous, repeats Ana’s voice in my head. I try to focus on my work, but colours are dancing across my blurry vision. It happens sometimes. The price I pay to be perfect. No, this is different. My head spins like a hurricane. Something wet trickles down my lip. wha-what? My teacher says something to me, but my head is spinning too much-- I can't focus-- I look down-- red, I see red. Blood. Damn. There is blood on the fingers that touch my face. Who’s is it? It's mine. It's my blood. Coming from my nose. I assure my teacher that I'm fine.I stand to get a tissue and-- *** Beep. beep. Beep. My eyes flutter open to see a hospital room. Through blurry vision, I see Ana. she’s glowing. “Wh- where am I?” I stumble. “The hospital.” Ana snaps at me “Whats wrong?” I say, confused. “‘Whats wrong?’ really? What’s wrong is that you’ve ruined everything. You’ve ruined everything we’ve dreamt of since we were seven, blake. You’re going to be fat again, and there’s nothing I can do about it. You're going to be a loser again, just like the day I met your sorry ass.” “What do you mean, what happened? What’s going on, Ana?” “You can’t handle what it takes to be perfect. You passed out and now they’re going to pump you full of calories and take you away from me, for now. You let everything go to waste. You’ll never be happy without me. You fucked up.” she’s a mess, but she looks calm on the outside. “Wha- what? I’m so sorry. I'm so sorry.” I keep repeating it, but when I open my eyes, she’s gone. The doctor stands by my parents where Ana stood. They look worried. I’m a teary mess. “Whats happening?” I ask through silent sobs. “Are you okay, Blakely? You’ve been starving yourself? Why didn't I know? What have I done? Why did-” my mother sobs and accepts my father’s embrace. “Are you mad at me?” I ask them. “We’re happy you're alive. I wish we could have helped you sooner, son, and I'm sorry.” my dad says. “He is lucky to be alive. It’s a good thing that we caught this before it got worse.” the doctor says, then turns to me, “Hello, Blakely, I’m Doctor Reid. How are you feeling?” I stare blankly at him. I don't know what to do or say. “Well, we will soon be transferring you to a behavioural health centre for further treatment, is that okay?” he asks. “Wh- where’s Ana?” I say. Blank stares. “Can I see her?” more blank gazes. “Where is she, dammit?” I exclaim. “Son, who’s Ana?” my mum asks. “My best friend. My only friend. Since I was seven? What do you mean?” I remind them “Son, Ana doesn't exist.” my dad tells me.

[ink-consequential]

Ink Consequential: Summer 2017

Ten Word Tales

Jana A

1. I want you to redefine love. Love is not pain.

2. Sometimes, you remind me of my father, and it’s scary.

3. I wish I started years ago. But I’m starting today.

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Keep reading for movie reviews, short fiction, poetry, and more!

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Movie Review: Gifted

Lucas Brantley 

Gifted is a film directed by Marc Webb and stars Chris Evans as Frank Adler, a freelance boat repairman in coastal Florida who is raising his 7-year-old niece, Mary, who is played by Mckenna Grace.  They lead a normal, simple life until they discover that Mary has exceptional mathematical skills.  This leads to a custody battle with Frank’s mother, Evelyn (played by Lindsay Duncan), as each of the two has a different opinion on how Mary’s talent should be handled in her upbringing.

I thought this film was terrific.  Personally, I enjoy films with simple stories about people being people.  I appreciate films that don’t feel the need to extend its story to some grand, world-altering scale.  Films like this can be very engaging for ordinary people like you and me—but more on that later.  And, full disclosure, I saw this film with my mother on Mother’s Day.

Marc Webb is best known for his directorial work on The Amazing Spider-Man films starring Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone.  I didn’t like The Amazing Spider-Man 2 primarily because it never gave us a chance to breathe.  It was a sensory overload from the start, and audiences around the world agreed, which is why there won’t be another Garfield Spider-Man movie.  I’m glad Webb got to scale back his focus in this film because his directorial skills shine brilliantly and prove that he has real talent directing these slower, more character-driven stories.

The acting in this film is also superb.  Chris Evans really gets to show off his acting chops in this movie, which I was glad to see; too many times, actors that are best known for a superhero blockbuster franchise can’t escape that bubble.  Evans does an exceptional job, and his chemistry with Mckenna Grace makes that central relationship very touching.  Mckenna Grace did a fantastic job on her own.  She goes toe-to-toe with Chris Evans and Octavia Spencer (who plays their neighbor and landlord Roberta in the film), and she steals the movie in quite a few scenes.  I would honestly put this as the second-best child performance I’ve seen in a while, only trailing Dafne Keen’s performance in Logan.  Octavia Spencer herself is great, although she doesn’t appear often.

The writing in this movie may be my favorite part.  I can’t remember a time when I’ve had so many out-loud reactions to moments or one-liners in a film, and I wasn’t the only one in the theater who did.  The humor in this movie is great and well-timed by all the actors, especially Mckenna Grace; she comes off as an adorable little smart-aleck, which is very relatable for me.  Overall, however, the film is a drama and it handles its subject matter intelligently, and that’s what I want to get into.

Without spoiling anything, the film’s main conflict surrounds the custody battle for Mary since her mother has passed away and left her in the care of her brother, Frank.  Evelyn and Frank have a strained relationship (to say the least), and Evelyn seems to only become interested in Mary after the school discovers she has this talent.  Evelyn wants this talent to be nurtured; she wants to send Mary to a school for gifted children and get her into classes more suited to her intelligence level.  Frank, however, believes that she needs to grow up as a normal girl and not be treated as special in any way, so he refuses to send her to this gifted school.  Thus, the court custody battle begins.  The film handles this conflict well in that they don’t overload you with courtroom scenes in the second act; they’re spaced out between watching the characters evolve with this situation in daily life, which makes for an organically-paced story, which is another major credit to Webb’s direction.

I think many people, especially today’s youth, will find this film to be very relatable and engaging because, from what I’ve been witnessing, the main conflict is pervasive in society.  Too often, I see that kids anywhere from preschool to high school and beyond are being pushed to be great at something.  If it is discovered that a child has a talent for something, be it academic or athletic, parents often make sure that they are engaged 110% in that activity.  They push the child to try harder and harder to improve their skills daily.  In my opinion, this action by parents, while well-meaning, is counter-intuitive.  If you saturate a child’s life with this one thing and push them too hard to be better at it, they will grow to resent you and hate the activity, thus removing any motivation to pursue it.  Kids should be able to explore any number of interests they may have.  It improves their learning with the added benefit that they can grow to know what they enjoy and don’t enjoy.  There is a scene in the film where Mary is staying with Evelyn for a brief period at her home in Massachusetts.  Evelyn tries to get her to work on more math problems after going through old photo albums, but all Mary wants to do is try the piano—something she has always wanted to do but Frank could not provide for her.  Evelyn refuses her this desire.  It’s a small moment, but it resonated with me because I was begging her to let Mary be a normal kid.

I was very much sympathetic to Frank for most of the film, as is the intention, but the film does a good job of also presenting Evelyn as a human being and not just “the bad guy”.  It would have been so easy to make her a cardboard cutout of a snobbish and unfeeling old lady, but she wasn’t.  You do understand her side of the argument as well, though how she goes about pushing her agenda is anger-inducing.  You can tell that she genuinely does care about Mary and Frank, though her way of showing it is not ideal for either.  The history with Mary’s mother plays an important role throughout the film, and I won’t discuss it here because it gets into spoiler territory, but it determines the film’s resolution.

The ending of the film was very satisfying for me because it compromises.  I think this is an important film for any parent of young children to see because it teaches the lesson that you need to let kids be kids.  Don’t push them too hard to do something they may not enjoy; just because they’re good at something doesn’t mean they enjoy it.  Let them have a normal childhood, and, if they show a talent at something, give them the opportunity to try it, but don’t push them to be the best at it because that puts too much pressure on them.  You should obviously encourage them to stick with it, but if they end up not liking it, encourage them to find something else.  The character of Frank is a good role model for parents because he does an excellent job of teaching Mary about how life works and doesn’t lie to her; he trusts that she is intelligent enough to grasp the truth when he tells it, which I found very refreshing.

Overall, Gifted is a terrific film that I will absolutely buy on Blu-ray/DVD when it releases.  If I had to grade it, I’d give it a 9.5/10 or an A.  It’s also an independent film, so I would encourage anyone to support the film because we need more films like this.  Films like this—the ones that analyze everyday life in society from a singular situation—can resonate with many people because, quite often, they are situations with which we can empathize to some degree.  By doing so, the film reaches the largest audience from a singular platform, which is a quality you find in a lot of the so-called “Oscar-bait” movies.  Let’s give this film the attention it deserves.

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First Love

Elise Alarpy

First love, I wish I could forget you; I don’t want you anymore. Years have passed and my traitorous heart Still clings to your memory.

Darling, why is it so hard to let you go? I shouldn’t love you. I shouldn’t love you. I shouldn’t love you. But I do. I do— I do.

Honey, I’m trying to move on, I’m trying all the time. I don’t want you, I don’t need you. Leave me alone.

Dearest, I hate you. I love you, but I hate you. You wrecked us, You did this, And I am left in the aftermath.

Darling, I love you, The words I never said. I hate you. I hate myself for loving you.

Sweetheart, you're my addiction. When I finally think I’m clean, You pull me back in again. And again. And again.

First love, you’re my biggest regret, My biggest could have been. I think of you fondly, I remember you sadly, But I just want this to end.

First love, my heart was yours, Although you never knew it. I shouldn’t love you (I do) Leave me alone I hate you (I love you) (Again and again and again)

But I don’t want to anymore.

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The Trial

Danielle Jeanne

The bed was soft and warm by the time Brougha fell into it at the peak night hours. She could feel the blood from her right arm oozing towards the sheep skins that acted as blankets. She was feeling far too tired to actually get under the covers, let alone deal with her injuries before falling asleep. She could feel the cracked wrist bone and the black eye she had been gifted from the clan chief and knew that they would still be issues in the morning even if she tried to fix them now. She was no healer after all. She was not her mother.

*****

“—ling! Darling! It is time to get up now! The chief is waiting, along with your parents!” Brougha jolted awake at the sound of Carguk’s voice filtering in through her sleep. Her green eyes regarded him thoughtfully, confused as to why he would be the one to come tell her.

“Where is Purdash? Isn’t she still my mother’s lead Curer?” Brougha inquired gruffly, not pleased with being alone in the same room as a full-blooded orc so soon after last night. She knew how talk traveled in small encampments like Burning Blood, especially with it being so late in the morning according to the sun. Chances are that the whole tribe had heard about it by now, even the few human members.

A mincing smile grew on Carguk’s face as he looked at her right arm, confirming Brougha’s suspicions. He just wanted to see if the rumors are true. He probably wouldn’t even offer to help bind up her wrist, just to settle some morbid curiosity on the pain tolerance of half-orcs. He straightens up from where he had been crouching next to her bed, “She’s busy at the moment. Your mother’s people have a bad habit of getting sick over the slightest things. I say, getting a fever over raw meat is just being weak—”

“No one keeps you here for your opinions,” Brougha cut him off, “I’m going, get out of my way.” She pushed herself up using her right hand and made her way out of the clay hut that had her bed and not much else. As she walked through the encampment, her ears picked up hushed whispers from the tanning shack as she passed, but nothing clear. She soon found herself standing outside of the Chief’s Longhouse, hesitating before pushing aside the canvas that served as the door as she made her way inside.

She guided herself though the Longhouse and stopped once she was inside the meeting chamber. She saw her father standing next to the chief, solemn. When she notices the absence of her mother, she stays quiet. Instead of her mother, there is another woman there, one with a very serious disposition. The other woman looks at her closely and begins to hum in disapproval.

“You didn’t take the time to tend to your wounds? That is how one dies after battle, you know!” The other woman growls out. “You don’t think when you’re done fighting! You don’t even think when you are fighting! That is why I broke you last night, and that is why I will break you again!”

Brougha stayed still as she listened to the words her chief spoke. It was clear then: she was here for another fight. Another beating, if what her chief says is true. “Fine, then I will think when I fight,” she responds, “And this time you will not break me.”

“Me breaking you was not the point, Brougha. The point is that even with the berries that your mother gave you, you still lost!” the chief roared.

Brougha’s blood froze. She was being accused of cheating; her mother, of helping her with it. She knew of the berries that the chief was talking about: to rare to even name, and too powerful for an orc to even think of using, let alone a half-orc like herself.

“I did not eat any berries before I fought. Do not accuse me of cheating,” Brougha told her chief. She looked over to her father, “Explain this to me.”

“They found a few berry stains in your mother’s tent. It looked like she was trying to dilute the berries for safer consumption. She knew how important last night was to you. She made the mixture and gave it you. That is the only explanation as to why we couldn’t find the mixture in her tent,” Erigg spoke mater-of-factly.

“I was given nothing. The humans are sick, she probably made it for them!” Brougha pleaded. She had seen a few public trials of the tribe before, and she knew that there was little to no chance of the chief going back on her ideas of what went on in the encampment. “Go check with Carguk! That is what he told me was happening in the healer’s tent!”

The chief looked upon Brougha gravely. “You were found cheating and your mother was found in aiding you. Your weakness has cost you your place in the clan and your mother’s shamefulness will be surrendering her own life.”

Brougha stood frozen in place for the decree. Her mother was to die. Her mother, one of the few humans in the encampment that could heal the others, was to be put to death. That was unacceptable.

“I will go, but if I come back and prove that I am better than you, you will let my mother live.” It wasn’t Brougha’s style to ask permission to do something; she found that people tended to accept what was told to them much as she accepted what was told to her. Her charismatic gamble paid off when she saw the chief nod in her direction.

“I will give you three years to become better than me. You will come back in that time and if you do not your mother will be dead. Now go; you have some training to do.”

It wasn’t the orc’s style to have any amount of fanfare when one was banished from the village, and there was certainly no exception when it came to a half-orc. Brougha made her way out of the Longhouse and out of the wooden gates of the encampment, completely bypassing her clay hut. Her things were earned by the tribe, so they stayed with the tribe. She wasted no time in goodbyes or lingering outside of familiar buildings that she would not see for a while. The faster she left, the sooner that she would return.

Brougha had a lot of fighting to do.

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Haiku Hiccups

Esther C

I the journey is long, winding, wavering as I push myself further

II you will not know love until you awaken next to the one you love

III summer’s heat gives way to quenched passion and remorse in the quiet nights

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Ramadan

Jana A

As the first beams of dawn start to light up the night sky, the imam's deep melody begins: "God is great..." and so on until the end of the call for prayers. For the next 16 hours or so, I would abstain from food and water. If you're not familiar with Islam, Ramadan can seem like a daunting challenge.

"Not even water?!" Nope, not even water.

And I admit that sometimes it can be challenging. Your body gets tired more easily. Your throat feels like a barren desert. Your movement becomes sluggish towards the end of the 16 hours. Yet, millions of Muslim choose to fast each year, and a lot of people don't understand why.

I love food. I adore food. If each person is born with a vice, then I'll sheepishly admit that gluttony must be mine. I don't just eat food—I devour it, taking the time to enjoy every second of flavor.

When I'm hungry, I literally begin to fantasize about food. I close my eyes, almost purring, remembering how it feels to sink my teeth into a warm, fresh roll of bread. I plan, with perfect attention to detail, future meals. I think of more than just the taste, of course: the smell, texture, and sight of food is an essential part of the experience.

So, since I adore food so much, why do I (a mostly non-religious person) follow the tradition of fasting?

First of all, fasting brings me a great peace of mind. When physical desires are quenched, my mind feels more alive. Instead of resorting to comfort food when I'm feeling down, I pick up the phone to call a friend. Instead of eating lunch at 6 pm alone in my room, I break my fast with family and friends. Instead of carelessly satisfying hunger with whatever is in the house, I relish every moment of the dish that I spent the last 16 hours craving.

Secondly, fasting, more than anything else, brings a great empathy for people less fortunate than I. Not every person who feels hungry is lucky enough to think of the delicious meal they're going to have in a matter of hours. For a lot of people, Ramadan isn't just a month. They are hungry all year round. Some people don't have clean water to drink. When I force my body to undergo a small part of what they go through, I challenge the subconscious part of me that turns poor people into a caricature. When I'm hungry, starving people are not just figures in a far-away land. They're suddenly, joltingly, brought to reality.

Ramadan, for me, is more than the beautiful fairy lights covering my neighbours' porch, or the feasts that cover my dining room table. It's a conversation with a God who I otherwise don't talk to. It's almost like He's telling me, "Look how many blessings you have laying at your feet." And I listen the growling of my stomach, and I listen to Him.

Photo by Jana A

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Mountain Climbers

Esther C

I like to think that I’m known for my adventurous spirit. Roller coasters, zip lining, international travel, you name it. Stuff like that is a cakewalk for me. So, since I was blessed enough to score incredibly cheap plane tickets, I did something adventurous: I went out to visit our own Adrianna for a few days.

During my vacation to the desert, we did lots of things that you’d expect two writers to do. We visited coffee shops and bookstores, had group writing sessions, and played with her amazing kitties (though one did enjoy stealing my pillow, but I digress). That being said, I doubt that anybody expected us to literally climb a mountain.

Okay, not literally. It was actually a really big and climbable rock in Papago Park. It’s beautiful, too. Sand, sun, cacti, bees, and other desert friends all welcomed us on our journey. We did literally climb (while posing for some pictures for Instagram—what are friends for, right?), and this is where my problem began.

When it comes to climbing mountains, my biggest obstacle is, in fact, myself and not the mountains.

I was wearing a dress.

Yes, you read that right. I was wearing a dress to go climb a really big rock in the desert. In the effort of fairness, I had made the dress (I dabble in making my own clothes, and this one actually worked out for me). And, when I had gotten dressed that morning, we didn’t know exactly what was on our agenda for the day except for a bookstore and a coffee shop. You see, it’s not totally my fault that I didn’t have the foresight to bring extra clothes or better shoes, and it’s definitely not my fault that I didn’t wear almost anything but that. (Okay, maybe it’s a little my fault.)

If you’ve never worn a dress in the summer, then you may not know about the torture that is thigh chafing. It’s literally the worst, and I subjected myself to it while climbing a freaking mountain. I cannot remember the last time I was that physically uncomfortable. I’m certain that I complained to Adrianna no fewer than twelve times (I’m not totally sure why she kept listening to me, but I suspect that it was probably the puns). I have promised myself that I would never do that again; leggings were invented for a reason, people.

My discomfort aside, the sight was beautiful: Phoenix was off in the distance, there were other large rocks and many cacti dotting the landscape, and it was warm and sunny. It was a dream. Adrianna and I sat there for a few minutes, taking the occasional selfie and chatting idly. I may or may not have accidentally flashed the whole of Phoenix by sitting down improperly.

After a while, we ventured back down the rock in search of air conditioning. I must admit that I sat in a very unladylike fashion to rid myself of the discomfort. This should go without saying, but I changed clothes later in the day when I climbed another mountain, but that’s a story for another day.

All in all, I would love to go back. You know, when I’m not wearing a dress.

Photo by Esther C

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For My Sister

Jana A

To my sister:

You were born in December, just before Christmas, and I remember wanting to hold you like you were hand-wrapped just for me. I held you like I thought you might break, and spent the next decade or so watching you break. Sometimes I would be the one to push you.

I would apologize to you, I'm so sorry, but I was trying to make you indestructible. Here is an apology: I'm sorry I saw in you everything I hated in myself. I'm sorry I always told you that Mama loved you best. I'm sorry that I tried to raise you. You rose by yourself like ashes from a burning home. You have taught me to look in the mirror with clearer eyes.

I love you more than I have ever loved anything in this life. If I could, I would redefine all the words in your dictionary, but it's too late: you have already learned how to speak and read and write.

I don't know if you need me anymore. I hope you always know that I still need you. I hope you always know you are the only part of home that I will cry over.

Who's going to wake you up from your nightmares when I'm away? When you're sad, are you going to hole yourself up in your room like I did? Will you trust me enough to call me and say, “Listen, listen, I did something wicked and awful and bad so please show me how to fix it, but please don't tell Mom and Dad"?

I hope you will because it has been an honor to watch you grow, and I hope I never have to stop.

Love,

Your BIG sister (even if you're my height now)

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Six Word Sagas

Danielle Jeanne

I You never pick up my calls

II I never hated you, only feared

III Fear is power, but also weakness

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Editorial

Esther C

If there were a drinking game inspired by my life, I would probably request that the players take a drink every time I did one of the following:

Talk about grammar (my default conversation topic)

Talk about Jesus (since I’m at church at least once a week, that’s beyond simple to do)

Make a bad pun (my other default conversation topic)

Get upset about how things could be done better (injustice irks me)

Do math for a stranger (hello, day job)

Say something sarcastic (excluding during Lent, of course)

Internally roll my eyes (which can be hard to identify unless you know me pretty well)

In all honesty, if you played this game, you’d probably suffer from alcohol poisoning within the hour. It’s easy to reduce myself down to a list of traits that would fit a character on a TV show—like the girl from the Midwest who’s probably the comedic relief of most episodes—but I also have the occasional heartfelt moment or memorable story arc. I’m in a constant state of acceptance of who I am as a person, of growing and strengthening my identity as a woman. I sometimes have to come to terms with my inherent worth as a person on a weekly basis.

More about that last point—it’s a sticky situation, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it. So, without going into the gritty details: I've struggled with mental illness for the better part of the last 8 years (I'm 21, for context). I had a conversation with someone lately where I mentioned that, and it occurred to me that I don't know who I am without it. I've grown into adulthood without an important piece of healthy living. I'm slowly making amends to fix that, but it's difficult. I’ve often stared at myself in the mirror and wondered to myself what I'd be like without the illness, and it finally struck me: I'd be the same person I am, just healthier.

I would still love fiercely and altogether too quickly. I would still sing in my church choir, still edit and write, still delve into my artistic side on occasion. I would still have a job (hopefully; one never knows the future). I would still be sarcastic and wear lipstick like it's armor while listening to music that many people in my life wouldn't like. I would still be a woman, a person, someone who breathes and has a soul and a spirit. My faith would still be important to me—and I imagine that it always will be.

I look at that list and see that I’m so much more than comedic relief. Sure, humor is an integral part of my identity, but it isn’t the only factor by a long shot. I am a created being, a woman loved by my Creator because of that. I am constantly in awe of the complexity with which He pieced me together, honestly. Everything I listed before and more is true, right down to the illness. Yes, I’m struggling, but I’m far from alone in this, and I’m far from the single qualities that I often peg myself as.

I don’t know who I will be tomorrow, but I know who I am today: I am a person so genuinely unique that it would be impossible to write everything on a piece of paper and have a complete picture of me, and that’s the way it should be. But, in the meantime, feel free to take a shot of something whenever I correct your grammar. Amid all the negativity, it makes life a little more fun.

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[portectorisms-a]

Okay but, in all realness, the Ark had a radio, we saw Jaha use it before he fell to space, right? Which is basically what Clarke had been trying to contact for the last 2,199 days, right? Imagine Bellamy going into the control room every day since the first day they arrived on the Ark using that radio and trying, knowing that it’s probably useless and stupid, but still trying, every day to radio Clarke and Octavia on a bent ray of hope that somehow, some way, they’d get his messages and they’d connect. Just: (They’re under the cut cause this shit go long as fuck.)

It’s day 9 since we’ve first arrived back on the Ark. Things have been rocky, to say the least. Everything’s stored and rations are working. Murphy could make me puke with the love between him and Emori. -pauses for a small chuckle- Though, it’s showed me that people can change and that sometimes all it takes is a person to bring that out in them. It’s day 20 and I think I’ve found some old stuff I thought I’d never see again. Old ration tokens mom had stashed that I had stolen years ago. An old red ribbon that I gave you on your sixth birthday. I found some of our old clothing and it’s weird to wear  them again. I even found some of Clarke’s old things. Stuff her parents left behind too. Man, I forgot how much I loved movies and my mythology books. It’s officially day 30 and I think I’m going crazy. Raven thinks it’s strange that i come in here every day to talk to a radio that might not even have signal to the ground but it’s my way of staying sane. -a laugh- Guess it’s also my way of keeping my hope alive that you’re down there. That you’re surviving and living. That you’ve made it this far. I have to remember that. We’ve hit day 50 and I know I’m going crazy. In ten days it’ll be 100 and I won’t know what to do anymore. The plants are thriving and we’ve mixed them in with our rations. Monty and Harper discovered more things we had all thought were lost. Emori is still excited about being in space. I don’t think that’ll wear off. At least someone can find happiness in these walls still. To me, they hold  memories. Some that I don’t want to remember. Day 70. What am I still doing? Maybe Raven’s right. I should stop. Maybe this is my last transmission. Please be alive still. Please still be leading. Please...wait for me. We’ll meet again soon. Day 90. I guess my last wasn’t that at all. I can’t stay away and probably for sanity’s sake. Each breath has gotten a little lighter. Space is still never changing but the stars are still bright. They remind me of you. Though, I still don’t know what to wish for when I see one shooting by. Maybe I should wish for you. Maybe I should wish to stop this. Maybe this is my new normal. Day 110. We’re back again. We’ve officially reached 100 days. Things are great. A lot better than I originally thought they would be. Emori and Echo have been a  huge help, surprisingly. Every morning though, you can  still catch them staring out the windows down to Earth. Hell, I still stare down to Earth. I don’t know why. Do I miss it? I never thought I would. Do I miss you? Every day that I’m here. Every moment that I’m awake. Day 130. This might be short. I’m still waiting for the days to become easier. I’m still waiting for the pain to pass but it hasn’t come  yet. Lead with your head, I know but my head has been somewhere else and my heart only wants to give up. I’m sorry. Day 150. We’re half way to 200 days of  being apart. I don’t think  I’ve ever been away from you for this long, O. I miss you, more than anything. I love you. I always will. I know you’re being a great leader, far better than I could ever be. You make me so proud, even when I’m not there to see. I know you’re doing good. I have faith in you. I love you and I’m sorry I never said that every day that we were together. I’m sorry for my mistakes. We’ll meet again, I promise. Day 170. Why do I still try on this damn thing? Day 190. How many more? How long is left? I lose track so easily. It took time, getting used to space again. I think we’re finally adjusted. Still strange without the sun though. I don’t think that’ll ever change. It’s nice to have my old bed back, even if I still struggle to sleep. Day 210. Two hundred and ten. That’s how many days it’s been since the death wave. I’m breaking. I can’t do this anymore. I really am going crazy. I’m losing hope again. I need you. I need you by my side again. I told Echo before we left that this would test us, that we’d go through things we might not want to face her. I’m there. I’m at that time. I’m so sorry I failed you. Day 230 -sent Raven that day for transmission- Day 250. Sorry I missed last time. We’re almost to three hundred and we’re all still alive. I used my head the day we left. I listened to what it said. Emori asked to wait longer and even Raven asked if I was okay with. I had to be. You would have done the same thing if it was me. I told you to hurry. I should’ve made you promised. Day 270. I forgot to tell you, I watched the doors close that day when we were in the rocket. I watched them until I had to go inside. Everything inside me wanted you to burst through the doors and get here but you never came and now I’m stuck thinking you’re dead. Damnit, Clarke. We lead together and now I feel alone. Day 280. I quit. These are useless. Day 300. We’re almost to a year. We can come home soon. It’s strange saying that. The Ark was only my home until you were born, O but Earth has better memories. Day 310. I hope you’re still alive. Day 330. I’m not sure who I’m talking to anymore. Maybe it’s just space. Maybe the stars are all that can hear this transmission. Hold on to hope. That’s all we have left. Day 365. It’s officially been a year since we’ve arrived. A year since I’ve last seen you and every day, well, I wish I could say every day gets a little easier, but it doesn’t. Every day that same pain lingers. Every day, I wake up and am reminded that you’re not here beside me. I feel like I’m talking to myself and maybe I am. Maybe this is my way of holding on to your memories. Of telling myself there’s still hope. Sorry I missed the last transmission. Day 395. These have spaced out. i should apologize but most days I find myself in this room, sitting in the chair and watching the monitors. I watch the radio too. I try to will you to speak back. I’m waiting. Day 400.  Four hundred days. Do I need to say more? We’ve only lasted a year. How am I going to survive four more? Day 455. I’m still waiting. Day 490. I’ve worked on myself every single day that we’ve been here. It’s been a change. I’m not sure if it’s good yet. Every day I have to remind myself that war isn’t looming in the horizon. I’ve had to face my demons, some that I never thought I’d see again. Some that I’d rather forget. It’s good though. Closure still hasn’t been found for me yet, but I think you’d be proud. I think you’d say it’s a step in the right direction. Day 500. The days have  yet to get easier and maybe they never will. Maybe this pain will never leave me. Slay your demons,  right? What if they’re stronger than you? Day 550. How long has it been? The days mash together now. I sparred with Murphy today. It was a weird feeling but I think we’re alright now. He’s not who had been in the beginning, even if I wanna punch that cocky smile sometimes. You made the right choice in letting him back in, Clarke. Day 595. We’re still talking. Space and I. I’m pretty sure that’s all that listening. Raven said she heard something from the radio but the time we got to it, there was nothing. If I missed you, keep trying. Day 600. Six hundred days on the ring. I never thought I’d come back to these walls again, now I wonder if I’ll ever leave them. God, I hope so. Day 660. These are getting shorter and spaced out longer. I’m sorry. I miss your voice. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing you tell me that I’m not a monster. Day 695. Do I keep going or just stop? I still hope you can hear me. Day 700. We’re reached seven hundred days. I’m still searching though. For what? I don’t think I know. Maybe forgiveness. Maybe how to live with myself without fighting a battle or saving the world. Maybe a way to remember how to live without you. I don’t know anymore. Day 770. I’ve stared out of these windows for so long. I never realized how large the Ark was in comparison to just the main Ring. I watched the Earth’s surface go from  dark clouds and red to brown and blue skies once more. Is it safe? Can we come home yet? Has it been 5 years?  Monty says no. We still have time. Day 790. Time. Everything is time. Time takes place between these comms. Time takes place each day, each second. Time happens in space and on Earth. Time is dealt in survival and just living. I don’t know how to just live anymore. Will I ever? Will we know how to live again on Earth? Maybe I’m thinking too damn much. Day 800. Eight hundred days. I trashed my loft yesterday. I cried all night. I found an old picture of us, O. You, mom and I. We were happy. We were smiling. I miss your smile. I miss seeing you happy. I can’t let you become a memory but I can’t get down there to help you yet. Just hang on. Hang on just a little longer. Day 880. I needed time. I’m sorry. We’re almost to nine hundred days. Day 900. What can I say anymore? Day 990. Please still out there. Please still have hope. I’m still alive. We’re still breathing. We’re still living. Day 1,000. Welcome to day one thousand. According to Monty, we’ve only got a couple hundred days left until it’s been five years. What can I say? I’ve had a few birthdays. It’s nice that the others have remembered them. We drank until we passed out. It was a nice way to forget. Never thought I’d get older again on the Ark. It’s not the same. It will never be the same. Day 1,100. I found that blue mask I gave you, O. Remember it? Probably has some bad memories attached but I like to think of your smile that day. The way you looked at me the first time you saw the Earth. I bet you never thought you’d be living on it. That you’d become such a great leader. I love you. Day 1,200. I had a dream we went back. I saw how much the world had changed. Everything was dead. There was nothing. No trees, no oceans. I know differently. I can see the Earth slowly coming back. Time. I wish I could shoot that word with a bullet. Day 1,300. Today I read about Promethus. I read all the stories that he was in. I read each line twice. You are still Promethus, O. You have this and even if people are struggling to believe in you right now, just remember that your big brother up in space does. I will always believe in you. Day 1,400. We have eight hundred and twenty-five days left. I’ve done so much. I’ve lied awake at night for weeks, unable to sleep. I lost myself and I think I’m finally finding myself again. I feel broken, but that hasn’t changed since we left Earth. Every day is suppose to get a little easier, right? Then why am I still waiting? Day 1,450. Murphy called this a diary. I had half the mind to punch him in the jaw but maybe it’s gotten to that point. It’s been almost five years and we’ve heard nothing from the ground. The others seem happier now though. Like they’ve all realized it’s okay. It’s like they’re able to live again. Even Echo has been smiling more. I guess they’re just waiting on me. The leader has to be happy, right? Who am I kidding. Day 1,500. I cried last night. I’m still crying today. I had to make it here without being caught. We don’t ration anymore. Our food supply has gotten large. There were days some of us didn’t want to eat. There were days when  all we could think about was what happened to us on Earth. I still miss those days. I wish I had the chance to go back to the dropship and give our people one last goodbye. I wish I saw Arkadia one last time. Day 1,550. I realized the other day, after talking to Echo, that we need to say how we feel in the moment or else it’ll be too late. She’s right. To this  day, I still regret not saying things. I regret not telling you I love you every day, O. I regret not going to that tower with you, Clarke. I should’ve gone. I should’ve been the one who got left behind. I’ve done so much wrong that I don’t remember what it’s like to not make those choices, even almost five years later. Day 1,600. A few months left. Raven said that soon we should start prepping again to leave. This time she doesn’t want to be rushed with an hour to do everything. I can’t blame her. I’m going stir crazy. I miss the smell of the Earth. I miss the rain. I miss the wind. I miss all of it. Day 1,700. I think I just do this now to have an outlet for my emotions. I think I do it cause it’s a stupid way to hold on to hope. Day 1,750. We’re in the home stretch. It’s almost time to go home. I hope you’re waiting. I’ll see you soon. Day 1,800. Monty said we’ve got twenty-five days left. Twenty-five days left to finish prepping. Twenty-five days left to make sure we’ll survive that fall once again. I never thought I’d feel that again. Then again, I never thought I’d be back here again. I’ll see you soon. - 25 days left Day 1,850. Twenty-five days. Five years and twenty-five days and we haven’t left the Ring. Raven’s working to figure out the problem. She’s getting restless. I think we all are. We all miss the ground, especially Echo. We can see from here that patches are returning. The Earth doesn’t look dead. Day 1,900. How many days have past since we were suppose to leave? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should’ve been there when you came out of the bunker. I should’ve been there when you took your first breath of fresh air like I was when the dropship fell. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re doing well. We will meet again. Day 2,000. Two thousand days. I’m back to losing my mind. The force of losing Clarke hit me all over again. I tried....I tired to make myself believe that she was alive. I tried....to make myself think that there was some stupid amount of hope that show found shelter, that she the night blood worked for her. I...I failed her that day. I let her die. I left without her. I should’ve stayed behind. I should’ve waited. Day 2,100. Jaha once asked me ‘how many people do you need to save before you start forgiving yourself?’ I never answered. I never said anything because at the time I didn’t have that number. I didn’t have an answer for him. I was the cause of so many deaths. I still carry that guilt but today I realized something, I only needed to save two people before I could forgive myself. I only needed to save you, O.You and Clarke. I failed one of you. Day 2,150. Two thousand one hundred and fifty days. Raven says we need more fuel. Monty’s working on gathering what he can to supply it. I still look out the windows and feel my heart break. I know now that I might not ever be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done but I’ve also learned that that’s okay. I know hat you forgave me. I know that she forgave me. Day 2,160. Maybe there’s still hope. Day 2,170. May we meet again, O. Day 2,199. It’s been exactly six years and seven days since we’ve first arrived at the Ring. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come home but today we’re leaving. Today we���re going back to Earth and I hope you’re there waiting, O. I hope you’re ready for me to never let you go again. And Clarke, if you did survive, if you are out there, somewhere, listening to this comm or even just looking up at the blue sky, I want you to know I’m sorry I didn’t wait. I’m sorry I didn’t save you. I miss you, Clarke. I’ll be there soon.

[buncompass]

I really hate my body lately.

Working out has always been a chore for me, and it always took me a lot of discipline to maintain my workout. Once I get it in a groove, everything is fine. I used to work out 3-4 times a week and I felt good, and I was at my thinnest (since high school, anyways) around the time Wellesley and I met. Then everything in my life exploded and I wasn’t able to do anything and my mental health was affected and without the discipline I had for myself, working out was impossible.

When we got the apartment, Wellesley and I would go sporadically, but something is better than nothing. That all got fucked up when I fell down the stairs and busted my ankle. My ankle is healed, but I still don’t feel comfortable doing much more than walking; even going up and down the stairs is a hassle that can cause my ankle to get tender and gross. As a result, I’ve gained a lot of weight over the last two months. My stretchmarks are back and bigger than ever, and when I look in the mirror all I can see is the extra chin and rounder-than-it-should-be face.

I can’t stand it.

I’m hyper-aware of my body, where my stomach is, how my clothes fit. I really want to get back in the swing of things, and I really want my ankle to be able to handle a workout. Wellesley and I have decided to start walking around our neighborhood, and I’m very excited to go today. Our neighborhood is beautiful, and the last time we walked around we took plenty of pictures and caught some Pokemon and had a good time. I figure if I go for little walks and slowly rebuild the strength in my ankle, we’ll be able to go back to the gym sooner.

I also have been thinking about my stepmom a lot lately because I keep thinking about my weight.

My stepmom was 24 when she started dating my dad. 24. 24 and dating a 35-year-old recently divorced man with three kids and a crazy ex-wife. I think about that and think about where I am now, and I realize I could also do that…I just shouldn’t. I have too many of my own issues to work out to even consider kids now, let alone take on other people’s kids. I used to be so close to her because she was an adult that looked out for me, but then things shifted and now we don’t speak. I feel like she shouldn’t have done what she did. She shouldn’t have given up her mid-to-late 20s to be a surrogate parent. Not only did she project a lot of her bullshit onto us, she wasn’t able to come to terms with her own issues. Now she’s angry all the time and can’t put herself first because she has two young children, one of whom is chronically ill. I pity her in the moments I’m not mad at her.

I honestly believe that my body image issues in high school had a lot to do with her.

I think she meant well. My mother was not the lovey-dovey type, and was not the kind of person who would take her daughter out for a shopping day. If I needed something, I usually had to beg and beg and beg and then I ended up asking my stepmom to take me, and we’d make plans right away. The thing is, I wanted to wear what I wanted to wear, and not what my stepmom thought would be good for me. This was the early 2000s, when low-rise flare jeans and layered tank tops were popular. I wanted what all middle school kids wanted, but I distinctly remember my stepmom trying to encourage me to wear clothes that ‘suited my body type’.

I was 5 feet tall and 110 pounds. EVERYTHING suited my body type.

I remember her trying to talk me out of the low-rise jeans in favor of a pair with a higher waist, with her explaining about how it would be ‘flattering for my figure’. She thought she was doing me a favor, but all she did was make me think that I was too fat for the clothes I wanted. I had been used to men’s clothing, but my parents shamed me out of those and into clothes a middle-aged mom would wear, not a 14-year-old girl. By the time I had my own job in high school, I was buying cute clothes that I could wear with friends but was too self-conscious to wear in front of my family, not because they were revealing, but because they were age appropriate. Even when I was in my late teens and early 20s (FUCK I AM IN MY MID-20s), my parents would try to talk me out of wearing what literally the ENTIRE WORLD was wearing. They criticized my thick eyeliner, my nose ring, and my hair colors, reminding me that I was going to be an adult and entering the working world soon. I pointed out that my style did not detract from my resume, but they continued to nitpick.

I’ve come into my own style now. I like what I like and, when I’m not thinking about my weight, I enjoy how I look. I like my thick eyeliner, my eyebrows, my septum piercing and my dark nails. I like my high-waisted skirts and black heels, my leggings and cardigans. I like that my style can shift from punk-rock to hipster in a matter of hours.

I may dislike my weight, and I may feel gross about that, but it’s nice to finally be able to separate my issues with my weight from my issues with my looks.

[dfroza]

Today’s reading from the ancient books of Proverbs and Psalms

for Tuesday, April 20 of 2021 with Proverbs 20 and Psalm 20, accompanied by Psalm 32 for the 32nd day of Spring and Psalm 110 for day 110 of the year

[Proverbs 20]

Too much wine begins to mock you,

too much strong drink leads to noisy fights,

and whoever is misled by either is not wise.

A king’s wrath strikes fear like a lion’s roar;

those who provoke him to anger sentence themselves to death.

Honor is due those who refuse to fight at the drop of a hat,

but every fool jumps at an opportunity to quarrel.

A slacker procrastinates when it is time to plow;

so when it’s time for harvest, there are no crops in the field.

The real motives come from deep within a person—as from deep waters—

but a discerning person is able to draw them up and expose them.

Most people claim to be loyal,

but can anyone find a trustworthy person?

The right-living act with integrity;

the children who follow their example are happy.

When a king sits on his throne as judge,

he ferrets out all evil and scatters it with his royal stare.

Who can say, “I have cleaned my heart”?

or who can proclaim, “I am purified from sin”?

False weights and differing measures are alike:

both are disgusting to the Eternal.

Youth reveal their true natures by their actions

whether they do what is pure and right or not.

Ears to listen, eyes to see—

the Eternal designed them both.

Do not fall in love with sleep, or you will awake a poor person.

Stay awake, get to work, and you will have more than enough food.

“Bad quality for a bad price,” bargains the buyer;

but then he runs off with his prize in tow, bragging, “What a steal!”

Gold and rubies abound,

but lips that utter knowledge are a rare jewel.

If someone guarantees a stranger’s debt, hold his garment as collateral;

if that stranger is a foreigner, hold the creditor responsible.

At first the bread of lies tastes sweet

until guilt reduces it to gravel in the mouth.

Plans are finalized on the basis of good counsel,

so only go to war when you have wise instructions.

A gossip will reveal your secrets!

So avoid the company of people who talk openly and foolishly.

If someone pronounces a curse on his parents,

the lamp of his life will be snuffed out as complete darkness creeps in.

An inheritance acquired hastily at first

will end up not being blessed after all.

Do not say, “I will get even for this evil.”

Wait for the Eternal; He will defend you.

He despises dishonesty in business;

false weights and deceptive scales are wrong.

Every one of our steps is directed by Him;

so how can we attempt to figure out our own way?

Those who rashly dedicate something to God are trapped;

only afterward do they realize what they’ve promised.

A wise king weeds out the wrongdoers,

then drives over them with his threshing wheel of justice.

The lamp of the Eternal illuminates the human spirit,

searching our most intimate thoughts.

Loyal love and faithfulness safeguard the king;

his throne is perpetuated through loyal love.

The best asset of youth is the strength of the body,

but the beauty of age is gray hair.

Severe punishment scrubs away evil,

and tough blows scour the innermost parts.

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter 20 (The Voice)

[Psalm 20]

For the worship leader. A song of David.

May the Eternal’s answer find you, come to rescue you,

when you desperately cling to the end of your rope.

May the name of the True God of Jacob be your shelter.

May He extend hope and help to you from His holy sanctuary

and support you from His sacred city of Zion.

May He remember all that you have offered Him;

may your burnt sacrifices serve as a prelude to His mercy.

[pause]

May He grant the dreams of your heart

and see your plans through to the end.

When you win, we will not be silent! We will shout

and raise high our banners in the great name of our God!

May the Eternal say yes to all your requests.

I don’t fear; I’m confident that help will come to the one anointed by the Eternal:

heaven will respond to his plea;

His mighty right hand will win the battle.

Many put their hope in chariots, others in horses,

but we place our trust in the name of the Eternal One, our True God.

Soon our enemies will collapse and fall, never to return home;

all the while, we will rise and stand firm.

Eternal One, grant victory to our king!

Answer our plea for help.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 20 (The Voice)

[Psalm 32]

A contemplative song of David.

How happy is the one whose wrongs are forgiven,

whose sin is hidden from sight.

How happy is the person whose sin the Eternal will not take into account.

How happy are those who no longer lie, to themselves or others.

When I refused to admit my wrongs, I was miserable,

moaning and complaining all day long

so that even my bones felt brittle.

Day and night, Your hand kept pressing on me.

My strength dried up like water in the summer heat;

You wore me down.

[pause]

When I finally saw my own lies,

I owned up to my sins before You,

and I did not try to hide my evil deeds from You.

I said to myself, “I’ll admit all my sins to the Eternal,”

and You lifted and carried away the guilt of my sin.

[pause]

So let all who are devoted to You

speak honestly to You now, while You are still listening.

For then when the floods come, surely the rushing water

will not even reach them.

You are my hiding place.

You will keep me out of trouble

and envelop me with songs that remind me I am free.

[pause]

I will teach you and tell you the way to go and how to get there;

I will give you good counsel, and I will watch over you.

But don’t be stubborn and stupid like horses and mules

who, if not reined by leather and metal,

will run wild, ignoring their masters.

Tormented and empty are wicked and destructive people,

but the one who trusts in the Eternal is wrapped tightly in His gracious love.

Express your joy; be happy in Him, you who are good and true.

Go ahead, shout and rejoice aloud, you whose hearts are honest and straightforward.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 32 (The Voice)

[Psalm 110]

A song of David.

The Eternal said to my lord,

“Sit here at My right hand,

in the place of honor and power,

And I will gather your enemies together,

lead them in on hands and knees;

you will rest your feet on their backs.”

The Eternal will extend your reach as you rule

from your throne on Zion.

You will be out in enemy lands, ruling.

Your people will come as volunteers that day; they will be a sight to see:

on that day, you will lead your army, noble in their holiness.

As the new day dawns and dew settles on the grass,

your young volunteers will make their way to you.

The Eternal has sworn an oath

and cannot change His mind:

“You are a priest forever—

in the honored order of Melchizedek.”

The lord is at Your right hand;

on the day that his fury comes to its peak, he will crush kings.

You will see the dead in heaps at the roadside,

corpses spread far and wide in valleys and on hillsides.

Rulers and military leaders will lie among them without distinction.

This will be his judgment on the nations.

There is a brook along the way.

He will stop there and drink;

And when he is finished,

he will raise his head.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 110 (The Voice)