#and right now i can barely keep up with my student loan payments

[vizthedatum]

Work goals for today (that I accomplished):

Job 1: successful articulation of my thoughts into some deliverables; great meeting

Job 1: have a structure for two of my other projects (need to deliver those when I can, maybe by Monday)

Job 2: really need to send over timesheets and I think what's delaying me is because I want to ALSO send over my final document of all the things I've done so far, because my... bill is high. And I know I shouldn't feel any guilt or shame for it - my work is valuable. The money will literally help me keep going towards my goals.

Job 3: The job is done because it was a summer job, but I need to submit my final reports on the students I mentored.

Felt good about... actually feeling like I have a great brain who has trained to do all this stuff - I am more on top of my "game" in terms of my career.

Personal goals for today (that I accomplished):

I took my meds and rested. I rested as much as possible and tried not to feel guilty. I have a terrible infection after all.

I made a plan to get my T TODAY RIGHT NOW before meeting my friend (masked) at 6pm. I have about 45 min to get my meds and go to her.

I ate some food. Even though I didn't finish a meal, I tried to eat solid food.

I put some clean towels away. I have clean clothes! I just need to put it all away at some point.

I ignored my desire to drop everything and clean (which sometimes works, or it ends up with me not doing anything in a panic). I am doing stuff incrementally.

I have a loan approval appointment set up for next week.

I tried not to feel bad about money. I may barely make my car loan payment this month if I am not paid by Job 2 AND/OR if I am not approved by the loan committee.

Personal work goals:

nothing. However, I have several ideas about putting more of my poetry up on Insta and Substack. I have several I have written but just need to edit (always editing) and put up.

desire to work on my passion projects - and felt good about that desire

I need a higher-paying job.

[diazevan]

I think the Buckley siblings are definitely upper class and they never really had to worry about money. Not because of the down payment on the house, because of everything. We know Buck had college money and he spent them on his bike and going around the world to find yourself is not really something people who struggle with money do. Also I think both SEAL training and FIRE academy aren’t free and that’s not really something you can pay with bartending tips. Buck entire lifestyle is very rich kid coded: moving out of a house you don’t pay to an apartment you rent for sentimental reasons, planning hot balloon dates, suing the LAFD (lawyers are very expensive) and his whole vibe.

Sorry, this answer is long! 9-1-1 isn't particularly known for its accuracy regarding the earnings of first responders. We forgive that because it's fictional.

Update: According to their website, All LAFD programs are free aside from the $73 signup fee and also states, 'The Department does not charge for any of our recruitment and mentoring services.'

The Buckley siblings are not trustfund babies. I’m not saying their parents aren't well-off, I don’t doubt that, but it doesn't mean they shared their wealth with their adult children (until helping Madney with the deposit.) I’m saying ‘adult’ because I believe while they were growing up, the parents funded everything parents are expected to: clothes, food, etc.

Let’s work with what we know. In Buck Begins, Maddie says ‘I'm gonna go nights so I can work during the day, pay for it myself. That way, I won't need to ask Mom and Dad for anything ever again.” I’m guessing that despite their parents doing their bare minimum of what is expected, they weren’t too kind about it, highlighted by how Maddie says this line. She knows she’ll either not get the financial support from her parents, in becoming a nurse, or they’ll complain about it if they do.  So, she goes it alone, deciding to almost work twenty-four days so she doesn’t have to ask them for money!

In 4x04, while arguing with his parents, he says this, “She married Doug, and you cut her off.” Maddie was married to Doug for eleven years, that’s eleven years no contact with her parents, after they cut her off. Cut off contact, and likely cut any kind of financial support. They wanted nothing to do with her, as Buck repeatedly points out in this scene.

What about Boston? I’ve seen that so many times on twitter. How did Maddie afford to live in Boston for six months and get expensive medical treatment? Doug’s life insurance. She received $400, 000. She says in 5x13, “I used most of my savings when I left,” which matches the belief that she used this money to fund her care in Boston.

Now, you’re right about Buck’s college tuition money. “Maybe you use your tuition money to make some cool modifications on your bike.” We don’t know for sure if this was entirely funded by his parents or if he had student loans. Since I am British, all I know about college is from movies, apparently some parents will keep college funds aside from their children as standard. So perhaps, yes, he did have a tuition fee paid by his parents, which maybe is why he rebelled.  Remember this is young, angry and restless Buck, he was likely to burn through that money like it meant nothing, because being reckless or getting hurt, was his way of gaining his parents attention.

But more importantly, is what happened next. When Buck leaves Hershey, Maddie gives him her Jeep and some of her own money. “Look, I can give you a little bit of money to get started, and then you can go anywhere you want.” It is Maddie who funds Buck’s ticket out of that house, giving up her two means of escape. Savings she had, from working her arse off in Boston and as a nurse! Now, Buck’s dynamic with his sister, is so different to his parents. He likely kept that money very safe and was incredibly frugal because Maddie gave it to him. So, it was more special.

Quite explicitly, we see that Buck never settles down when he’s on the road. He goes, from one place, to the next, to the next. Picking up many jobs. Likely couch surfing, sleeping in the jeep, or cheap motels, Buck didn’t have hefty bills to pay! He could save up, on the road.  All those years of traveling around, and saving would fund NAVY Seals and Firefighter training. What also helped, is he lived in a Frat House, not making him financially liable for all the bills, which were split evenly across all the guys. Then he lived in Abby’s apartment, where once again, he wasn’t paying any bills. With a fireman’s salary, while living in a frat house, and sharing the bills, he likely found it easier to save. Making it easier to fund a hot air balloon ride, a nice studio apartment, and then a lawyer!

They do call Buck's place a "frat house," but I'm not sure how true that was, but if it was an actual frat house and he didn't make any payments, that's more savings. But I don't think he wanted to stay in the frat house.

Buck also couch-surfed in LA! He lived with Chimney and then Maddie, for a considerable amount of time before ever moving into his apartment. Time he likely spent saving.

Anyway, that’s what we know. I still can’t ever believe the Buckley parents ever set up trustfunds. Neither Maddie nor Buck saw a dime after they left or were cut off. Not until more recently now that the Buckley Parents are attempting to make an effort. Still, Buck and Maddie grew up self-efficient, relying on each other, not their parents.

On an unrelated note, I would be interested to see a storyline of when one of their parents passes away though. If they do get left with money, I wonder if it would strike up the argument that money doesn't fix all the problems and neglect they experienced during their childhood and beyond.

[mistergoddess]

the way i'm going to be absolutely fucked by bills on the 1st ^_^ rent n utilities n student loan payment all the usual stuff but then also... car insurance renewing and i have... hrt check in appointment on the 1st as well... and no health insurance rn bc unemployed so ummmmm no clue how that's gonna go out of pocket, i'm def gonna call this week and see what my options are and like if it's possible to just get it refilled without going in but pprrrrooobbably not so i'll also ask like for a quote for how much itll be and if there's any idfk financial help i can get or like sliding scale? probably nnnoootttttt bc its fancy private clinic, which was great when i had insurance! but now is like oh fuck oh shit! but worth trying to ask what they can do auuhhhh... but im looking at like upwards of $1200 in bills all hitting on one day lmfao fmsbl

AAAAND im injured so job hunt/working rn is sketchy and need gas and need to refill my t before the end of the month which is gonna be expensive now out of pocket and groceries are stupid fucking expensive bc im Not Good About Food and have Special Needs when it comes to food which makes it rly expensive and it's so exhausting to be like wow i could really like save money on food AND be healthier and have more energy if my mental issues didn't make my ability to eat different things and cook like fucking. nonexistent so i spend so much just eating like my Autism And Depression Wombo Combo Safe Foods i.e. instant food like ramen and frozen dinners and tuna/chicken salad and sandwiches and snacks which isn't good for me or nutritious and sustainable anyway.

it's so fucking hard i don't think of myself as struggling financially bc i'm crazy good with my money... usually... and always work it out and keep my savings up when i need to to keep a big safety net under me for just this kind of stuff since it's so hard to hold a job and i take a long time between jobs so i can't afford to let my savings dip to where i'd be absolutely stranded between jobs and can breathe a little. but then i get here and i'm like yeah it isn't good huh like money is indeed an issue isn't it. and then i don't think of myself as disabled and it's like yeah well clearly i struggle with stable employment and i struggle with the food thing. and my issues make it hard for me to work out stuff like negotiating and accessing healthcare in ways that are more manageable and affordable, like i know trying to call my gyno this week about the hrt checkin is going to be a disaster and i'm not gonna be able to ask the right questions or know how to ask for what i need and just get discouraged and scared.

like i DO have special needs and am at a disadvantage to ppl who can cope better and are higher functioning. but i don't. idk. allow myself? that? it's so fucking exhausting bc idk people have it far far worse and far harder than i do and i am functional to a degree but those weak spots and the inconsistency just mean. i'm disabled but not disabled enough to like treat myself kindly over it and not disabled enough to feel like i deserve to ask for help because i can take care of myself sometimes but the times i can't are really scary and stressful

i feel like. i'm constantly balancing on a fucking tightrope. or sliding down a hill and barely clinging to the side and desperately trying to climb back up a few feet before the next wave of the avalanche hits. and the fact that i CAN climb up and gain some ground a little makes me feel like. well i'm not really doing as bad as the people at the bottom of the fucking ravine who actually deserve to be rescued so i should just get over myself and why am i even here and why can't i just toughen up and get over it and climb all the way up. and i feel so fucking guilty like ok also why aren't i helping the people at the bottom of the ravine. if i can afford to keep some savings under me for times like this and emergencies then i'm just hoarding money and not doing enough for people who don't have that luxury like. i'm a bad person for looking out for myself first and not distributing what i have. idk.

and i know these are all really common anxieties and stresses and feelings of shame and guilt and self depreciation and self sabotage amongst ppl who have variable or mixed needs and like the fucking impostor syndrome that comes with it... which helps me feel less alone but i feel really alone too and i am quite alone, i have 2 really key players in my support network who i'm endlessly grateful for but i don't have anyone taking care of me but me and it's exhausting just. staying afloat. but i don't see myself as worthy of that exhaustion. i don't have anyone i can rely on just for like. idk. sympathy and comfort and distraction bc i don't have any irl friends and i don't have a social life so it's just me like. either going to work and struggling a bit to maintain that or being unemployed and struggling really hard to gain ground again and get back to stable. i don't have a lot of joy or wonder or exploration or experiences in my life because it's hard enough just to exist and not spiral and lose everything i'm constantly working so hard for and not spiral and start wanting to kill myself.

[warcats-cat]

Hh so I know I ask this a lot but if anyone finds that post about how to deal with hospital debt in America please link me to it or tag me.

I just got a bill from the emergency department for my visit from last month and it's over $2000 and I know my parents always tell me not to worry but I've *never* gotten a bill that high and I,,, thought I saved that post in my references because I have to go to specialist doctors/ the hospital a lot but I can't find it in my tags...

[atlafan]

okay, I know a lot of you are starting college/university this year, so here are some things yall need to know/understand (I’m a first year academic advisor FYI):

no one is going to hold your hand. Many places consider you a legitimate adult at this point. Nothing will be spelled out for you completely.

GOOGLE IS A THING! I know when you don’t know something your instinct is to email someone, but often times if you Google the name of your college + whatever you have a question about, you can find the answer that way

Please remember that your professors/advisor are people too! A lot of us don’t check email on the weekends or after certain business hours. Please don’t ask to meet them on a weekend, or during the noon lunch hour. We need to rest too.

Your professors aren’t going to email you about every little thing, they’re just not. Some might, but most won’t. READ YOUR SYLLABUS! CHECK YOUR COURSE PAGES! As far as buying books? Your college bookstore website should have a search engine for looking up what you need for each class. Start there, then you can go onto Amazon, eBay, chegg, etc to find the best deal. If it’s a gen ed, just rent. If it’s a book for a major course, buy it. And listen, I know we all hate amazon, but but amazon student is amazing, less expensive than a regular amazon account, and you can save way more on books and supplies.

JOIN CLUBS, GO TO EVENTS! You’re not going to make friends sitting alone in your dorm room. I know it seems scary to venture out, but trust me, getting involved in campus activities (even if you’re commuting) is the best way to meet people and not feel alone.

UTILIZE CAMPUS RESOURCES!! Have an IEP or 504 plan? GO TO YOUR CAMPUS ACCESSABILITY SERVICES! They can give you what you need. Get tutoring right away, SEE YOUR ADVISOR, go to the counseling center if you’re not feeling well mentally!! All of this stuff is included in your tuition, use it!

CHECK YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL EMAIL!! I know yall like to text, but please. Don’t email using your personal email (gmail, iCloud, yahoo), USE YOUR SCHOOL EMAIL! Read things through carefully. Departments on campus email you for a reason.

REGISTER FOR CLASSES ON TIME!! At some point you’ll meet with your advisor to discuss classes for the following semester, and they will give you a registration date. WAKE UP EARLY ON THAT DATE AND FUCKING REGISTER! Then you don’t have to worry about getting into the classes you need.

Exercise. Get out of your rooms. Even if it’s just a walk to get some fresh air. Your diet/eating habits are going to change drastically. Please don’t skip meals. Make sure you’re eating. I was a very unhealthy student and would barely eat. PLEASE EAT!

GO TO CLASS AND YOU WILL PASS! Your parents/guardians won’t be there to nag you. It’s on you to get into a routine and schedule. I know it’s tempting to skip, but unless you’re sick, don’t skip class. You or your parents are paying for that class. And if you fail, you have to retake it, which means paying for it again, and paying for an extra class to make up for the credits you’re missing.

CHECK YOUR BILLS! If you’re paying for school on your own, please check your bills. Financial offices will put holds on your accounts if you can’t pay. STAY AWAY FROM PRIVATE LOANS! You’ll be paying off the interest for the rest of your life, it’s not worth it. Most schools will help you set up a payment plan. I recommend calling those offices directly as opposed to emailing, you’ll get more direct help.

Save your money for doing laundry.

Don’t pack a ton of shit. You can go home and swap out clothes at some point.

Get a lanyard for your student ID, idc if you think it makes you look stupid. If you lose your ID it can cost a lot of $$$ to replace it.

Never leave your room without your key. Taking a shower? Great! Your roommate left and locked the door behind them. Good thing you had your key in your shower caddy!

SHOWER SHOES! Get a cheap pair of flip flops to wear in the shower. Girls, yall are gross. I can’t tell you how many times there was hair all over the shower, or a used tampon flung into the corner. Please clean up after yourselves. Don’t leave makeup in the sink. Bathrooms are a COMMUNITY SPACE, be courteous.

If you want to go out and party, that’s fine, but keep your priorities straight. Are you at school to party and drink, or are you there to get an education and eventually a job?

GO TO CAREER SERVICES! They can help you with your resume, and do mock interviews.

GO TO YOUR ALUMNI OFFICE! Alums love helping students find internships and jobs. The people in that office can help you get in contact with the them.

This is all I can think of for now, but for the love of god, heed my warnings. College can be a wonderful time to learn and grow as a person, but it can also be really depressing and tough. Seek help, get involved, and go to class. Good luck! 💕

[dazed--xx]

Sold Your Soul

Request: Ooh could I request Yandere!Sugar Daddy! Seokjin¿

Member: HARD Yandere!sadist Jin x Reader

Genre: angst, yandere, (implied smut)

Word Count: 1,590

Trigger Warning: Yandere, Abuse, manipulation, pressured sex, handcuffed to a bed, hair pulling, name calling, whatever else I forgot to put sorry guys  

A/N:  MY FIRST JIN FIC thank you to the beautifully dark and non-descriptive soul for sending in this request, I hope you enjoy it and this finds you, I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS BEHAVIOR IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED GET HELP, PLEASE. And with that being said send in more requests  

Summary: Kim Seokjin, V.P. of Kim industries, powerful, wealthy, and charming. The sweetest heir to the Kim enterprise according to the public. You believed it, his overwhelming charm and confidence the mask for the demon within. Jīn has gotten whatever he wanted, and he wants you. With your contract only days from ending, Jin declares you’ve violated the contract and now you belong to him. Permanently.  

(not my gif)

Month 5 day 22 10:42 pm

If anyone was to ask you how the past 5 months 22 days have been you’d say a secret nightmare, your provider was a ruthless and spoiled man. The onlookers would say you were lucky, the heir to Kim Enterprises was spoiling you with riches, paying your tuition, etc... The soft glow on his skin, his plump lips, his soft fragile image of the perfect son in the perfect family had shattered within 2 months. The abuse of his power and wealth over you, use of your safe word during sexual punishment would result in financial punishment. If you would have read the fine print in your contract with him you wouldn’t be handcuffed to his headboard as he released his anger, at his words “your betrayal”. Only hours ago, he was losing himself inside you, holding you in his arms fingers lightly tracing circles on your arms. How did you end up here?

*flashback*

Your hands curled around the bottom seam of your skirt griping it tightly. Your entire body shaking as the driver pulled to a stop in front of the large office building. Your mouth completely dries itself up. “Miss y/l/n Mr. Kim has requested you inform his assistant you have arrived from the front desk give them your name, then proceed to the 16th floor Mr. Kim's assistant will meet you right off the elevator she will give you further instructions. Have a nice day” his driver speaks soft and swiftly.  

You shakily eye the building. Taking a soft nervous step your breath hitches in your throat. As you step into the building you look around everything seems to happen in the blink of an eye and soon you were rushed into his office. You turned to close the door behind you and you stared at the closed door in front of you and your hand stayed frozen on the handle.  

“You can leave if you'd like but from what I know so far Miss Y/l/n you need me more than I need you” His velvety voice rang through your ears. “Come. Sit.” he said with a more commanding tone. As your eyes trailed over the luxurious office, I do not belong here you thought. Your legs acting on your own as you find your way in the chair placed in front of his desk eyes never once leaving the floor. “you're nervous” he states softly. You nod softly, a blush creeping on your face.  

You hear him lift himself off his chair and soon you can feel his hand on your shoulder, he lowers his body kneeling in front of you. “Do I make you uncomfortable y/n” his hand lifting my head to face him I shake my head “n-no sir” my meek voice barely over a whisper. “Have you read over the contract miss y/l/n?” you nod taking in his handsome features. The curve of his lips, the playful innocence in his voice. “All of it?” you nod lying to him, you dozed off reading the contract around the termination clauses. “And you're............experienced?”  

“yes, sir I'm here to please” you reached into your bag and handed him the contract. “Well miss y/l/n consider your student loans and your sisters medical expenses paid for, now that business is taken care of on your knees beautiful let's see how eager you are to please” He stated standing straight up unzipping his pants. You stared at him in shock, how did he know about your sister.

*present* -Month 5 day 22 10:23 pm

You weren't sure what you had said to set Jin off but he was livid. Your terrified state only encouraged his anger. He got off on your misery, he was enamored by the beauty of your face as tears streamed down it. The way you would shake like a chihuahua if he so much as looked at you a certain way. You had fallen into your submissive role the second you handed him the contract. He knew he loved you the moment he saw you that day walking home from work. A man in Jins position had wealth and anyone at his disposal to keep an eye on you and report back. He knew everything about you before he even presented you with the 6-month contract. Even though he had paid off all your expenses before you even knew he existed.  

He praised you when you did well, punished you when you acted out. He loved you and you loved him well he thought you loved him. As the days got closer to the 6-month mark Jin heard you making arraignments to leave his side and find another place to live. He thought it was just cold feet you were scared of your love and maybe he just needed to remind you who you belonged to and everything would be alright. Until you came to him with an apartment you had put a down payment on, wishing you could begin slowly moving your things in to adjust from the past 6 months as you put it.  

His anger only grew as you continued about the life you wished to lead after you leave him. He could only see red as his hand strikes you. He continuously shoves you back until your pressed against the wall. His hand finding its way to your throat, “who the fuck told you that you could use my own money to pay for some silly thing like an apartment, you aren't leaving y/n” he growled forcing his lips on yours “who put that stupid idea in your weak mind? Your sister? Your mother? Or are you a fucking whore y/n?” you wince as he adds pressure to your throat “that's it isn't it! Who is he? Ill fucking kill him” you look at him terrified words fighting their way out  

“NO-ONE! P-please get off me, I-I s-swear there's been no one b-but yo---’LYING BITCH WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE SO DESPARATE TO GET AWAY FROM ME Y/N I LOVE YOU; YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT YOURE NOT LEAVING ME Y/N” He yanked your arm roughly, dragging you to your room. He grabs the handcuffs he keeps in the night stand beside the bed. Wrapping one of the cold cuffs around your wrist, he yanks it pulling you across the room. “N-no Jin please! I can be good I-I can b-be go-od p-please!” you scream as you grab onto the door.  

The pain in your wrist growing stronger. Jins face is now red “what did you call me” his voice is low the burning sensation in your wrist turning to throbbing as Jin stares at you. Your eyes widen as you force the door open, as your small figure makes it past the frame you can feel his hand in your hair, the burning sensation scratching its way through your head.  

The tears burning your eyes as you scream in pain “PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE!”

You fight back but its utterly useless and he handcuffs you to your headboard “I fucking help you, you piece of trash. I give you everything! Everything I have y/n, you want me you have that you want my money I’ll transfer it all to you every last cent. I've bought you clothes food trips for you and your waste of space sister, I've given you freedom and respect and all I get in return for my love and kindness is disrespect, infidelity, and used. You want to know why your other Doms got rid of you y/n?” your eyes travel from the ceiling to his face.

 The hurt evident, “it's because you’re a gold-digging whore y/n you want money and that’s it you don’t care about how people feel you don’t care about love or anything you fuck anyone that will give you a bigger pay check and leave a trail of broken hearts. But I'm not one of those men y/n I'd rather kill you than live without you” he states standing frozen in the middle of the room his hand pulling a gun out from behind his back, pointing it right at you. “so, y/n do you want to die?”  

Your heart raced as you shook your head rapidly the tears rapidly flowing down your cheeks. “N-no p-please s-sir, I-ill d-do anything” his small huffs turning into a hearty laugh as he points the gun to his head, slowly rubbing it against his temple  

“It doesn’t matter if you want to leave it doesn’t matter if you want your own apartment. You violated your part of the NDA, Y/n by exposing our relationship and arrangement to your pathetic little sister you CAN’T leave, I mean I could sue you but I already know you don’t have that kind of money. Didn’t know when to bring it up but I felt now was a good a time as any. So, you see Babygirl you belong to me and the only way you're leaving me is death either by my hand or your own” he places his body on top of yours “and I hope for your sake its by your own, you know how I like to see you cry and bleed baby” his lips capture yours as your tears mix with the taste of his tongue.  

You closed your eyes as his hard long member enters your core, erasing the misery from your mind as you breathlessly moan “sir”  

you’ve sold your soul to the devil and He’s here to collect.  

[after-witch]

Emotional Loan [Yandere Ransom Drysdale x Reader]

Title: Emotional Loan [Yandere Ransom Drysdale x Reader]

Synopsis: You shouldn’t be this nervous about telling your boyfriend that you want to transfer to a college out of state. Ransom is nothing if not generous with you--so why is your stomach in knots?

Word Count: 3144

notes: yandere, sexism, emotional abuse

You shouldn’t be this nervous. Really. Ransom has been nothing but generous with you, and in turn you’ve been patient--maybe too patient, maybe too forgiving, sometimes--with him. It’s only fair that he extends that patience to you, especially with something as serious, as important, as your future.

So why does the thought of telling him about your plan to switch to a new college make you feel like you’re going to throw up?

You puff out your cheeks and stretch your arms across the breakfast table, leaning down and wishing you could ask someone else to tell him in person. But the thought is ridiculous, and you push it away in favor of rehearsing what you’re going to say for the millionth time since you made up your mind.

You will tell him about the need to change your degree if you want to ever be in the contending for a museum curator position in the future. You will tell him about the fact that the best place to get this specific degree, the one that will put you right in the open arms of the internship that leads to your dream curator field, is in California. You will tell him about the apartments you’ve already inspected. You will tell him about the fact that he can visit anytime, that you will visit him, that you can text and video call and vacation together. You will tell him that you love him and you want to make this work.

You will tell him all these things… and yet. Yet while you can rehearse the words, rehearse how you’ll push your printed out papers showing exactly what you need to do and why towards him so he can see you’re telling the exact truth, you can’t rehearse how Ransom will react. You try to imagine, but all that comes up is a blurry, grey blank.

Is he going to freak out? Get pissed? Or worse--not care at all? Maybe you’ve overestimated how much Ransom has invested in this relationship. Maybe he’d rather cut you loose than deal with a long distance relationship. Maybe the second you mention that you’ll be moving to California, he’ll be mentally checking a list for someone local to hook up with the minute you’re gone.

You’re not sure which reaction would scare you more.

But you don’t have much time to think about it, because you hear him padding down the stairs, hear the din of some video he’s still watching, probably whatever he put on while he was in the shower. You can’t bear to look up, and you thumb aimlessly, nervously around your phone’s apps while you listen to the sound of him scraping the eggs and bacon you’d cooked onto a plate.

He plops down in the seat across from you and you glance up. He catches your eye and gives a tight-lipped, tired smile. He was out late. But he’d texted you about staying out late earlier in the evening, so you didn’t feel you had the right to be mad--that’s the condition you’d given him, after all, when he’d accused you of being controlling. When he’d called you a nag and accused you of being jealous of other women, women he had no feelings for.

“I just want to know when you’re going to be out late so I don’t stay up half the night thinking you’re dead somewhere.” And so he did--let you know--and you swallowed down your feelings of suspicion at his late night adventures.

Maybe… maybe this is a bad time to tell him. Maybe you should wait for a day when he’s had more sleep. Maybe you should run your thoughts by someone else, get a second opinion. You’re focusing on the table, on the light from the phone screen, anything to avoid looking up and starting the dreaded conversation.

“What’re those papers for, babe?”

Shit.

Your hands tremble just a bit when you set the phone down, and the way it vibrates against the table mimics the way your stomach feels right now. You suck in a breath and look up, but you can’t make eye contact just yet and you push the words out, stumbling and breathy and rapid, without stopping to breathe until you’ve said your peace.

“Ransom this is really hard for me but we need to talk about something and I don’t want you to be mad but I need to change schools if I’m ever going to get a shot at a curator position and the best school for this is in California and I know it’s going to be hard but I love you--I love you and we can make long distance work if you want and if you don’t want well--well I don’t know what I’ll do then but I just wanted to let you know now because I’ve got to turn in my application next week and please please try to see this from my point of view because it’s all I’ve ever wanted and you know that.”

You take a shaky breath and hold your hands together on top of the table, clasped and shaking from the adrenaline and anxiety coursing through you. You look up at Ransom with trepidation, hoping that he’s not mad--or indifferent.

But he’s neither. He simply looks… confused.

He simply stares at you for a moment, a dumbfounded expression on his face as he processes all of the words that just came rapid-fire out of your mouth.

“California?” Is all he says, finally.

You take the opportunity to push the stack of printed papers towards him. “These are… it’s… well, emails from people in the industry, some important articles about getting positions at museums. About where you have to go. Oh, there’s apartment listings there, too.” You even printed out detailed information about the qualifications for acceptance, and put them in a neat little table next to your own academic and experience record. You were a shoo-in, and you didn’t feel the need to be humble about it.

He grabs the stack and starts thumbing through, not saying another word as he seemingly thoroughly reads everything you’ve printed out. Your stomach feel like floating lead, heavy and flipping. You can’t tell what he’s thinking or feeling, and he’s not giving you anything but a concentrated look at he looks through the statements, the listings, the plan you’ve outlined so neatly.

He finally sets the stack back down and simply stares at it for a few moments. Taking it in. Taking his thoughts in. Finally, Ransom looks up at you and the intensity in his eyes makes your stomach drop. He doesn’t look mad. He looks--and you hate it--disappointed, sad even.

“Look…” He sighs, eyebrows lifting as his gaze drifts away before settling back on you. “I’m not going to lie and pretend I’m okay with this. I’m not. Jesus, babe. California? Four years?”

“It’s no--” you interrupt, but he holds up his hand and you stop.

“But. But, but,” he lightly pounds his fist on the stack of tables, an almost nervous gesture in your eyes. “It’s what you want? What you need for your career? There’s no other way for you to get this--” he waves his hands around, “museum gig you’re after?”

You nod, unable--no, afraid--to speak, in case your voice is too tight with emotion.

“Then I guess I can deal with it.”

“What?” You blurt the words out.  You expected… an argument. Or for him to blow you off, make it seem like you weren’t serious. Or, as you’d admitted to yourself earlier, for him to throw you away and find someone who wouldn’t make him wait around. Not… acceptance.

He laughs at your reaction and your stomach feels lighter, the tension in your body starting to fizzle away. “

“It’s not like I have to worry about getting the money to come visit, right? And hey,” he continues, “if you need someone to put in a good word to this school… maybe throw some cash at a dean or something…” He raises his eyebrows, wiggling them a little in a way that makes you snort.

You lean forward and nab one of the lukewarm pieces of scrambled eggs from his plate and pop it into your mouth. “Since you’re offering to help, I could use someone to check over my application…”

**

The envelope is too small. It’s way too small. Why did they make the envelope so damn small? Maybe the acceptance letter was sent on its own, and all of the other information--the giant packet telling you where to send payments and sign up for courses--would be sent to your email. But the thought of checking your email and seeing nothing makes you feel sick, so you keep your phone next to you on the table.

“You gotta open it,” Ransom says, soft and casual. He doesn’t move from his place beside you on the sofa, watching you with a neutral look. He probably knows why the envelope is too small, but he won’t say the words out loud--just like you won’t. If you say it out loud, then it’s true.

There's nothing else for you to do except confront the truth, and you rip open the envelope and pull out the folded paper with far too few printed words on the page.

Rejected. Outright. Completely. Not a fit for the school or the program.

If you weren’t sitting on the couch, you would have fallen over. As it is,  you feel like the world is collapsing, like the sofa underneath you is melting into the floor and taking you with it.

“I don’t understand.” You can only manage to whisper, voice small--reflecting the way the rest of you feels. Small and falling and stupid.

Ransom takes the paper from your hand, and you don’t bother keeping a grip on it. You register the fact that he’s put an arm around your shoulders, but you can barely feel it through the numbness of rejection.

“What the fuck,” he says, voice louder next to your ear. It makes you shrink in more, even though his anger isn’t directed at you. “What the fuck.”

It’s you want to say, what you would say, if you had the strength. The energy. But the absolute, complete way that your future has suddenly become an unknown blank has left you stuck and heavy.

It doesn’t make sense. Your transcript was perfect--should have been perfect. You should have gotten in. You got top grades and references from professors and a list of relevant experiences that most students wouldn’t have until the end of their degree.

“I’m going to call them and find out what-the-fuck,” Ransom says suddenly, getting up with a jerking motion and walking towards the kitchen, where his phone rests on the counter. “No,” he says, clicking his tongue. “Better yet. I’ll call my grandfather. He’ll know how to convince this so-called top school that they made a big mistake.”

The thought makes your head spin. “Ransom, don’t.” You’re not a child. But you feel like one, like you just failed a math quiz and your dad is calling to find out why the teacher doesn’t know the quiz answers from his ass. “You can’t just call a school and make them accept someone.”

Your legs feel wobbly when you stand up, and Ransom practically swoops back to your side to hold you steady. He leads you back down on the sofa and you feel yourself accepting the loss, accepting that your dream is gone, or at least altered.

He squeezes an arm around you when you finally begin to cry, and for the moment you feel better, less worthless, less hopeless. It was just one rejection. One egg. You can’t put every egg in one basket, as they say.

You rest your head against his shoulder and sigh into it, enjoying the warmth and closeness. A feeling of luck pings at your heart. You’re really lucky to have a guy like Ransom. He’s not perfect, and sometimes you fight, and sometimes he does things that hurt you, but--are you perfect? Do you do things that hurt him, too? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, and don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

With comfort comes clarity. The world isn’t ending. Your future isn’t blank. There are other options.

You feel almost perked up when you speak: “I guess I can apply to other schools. Maybe it won’t be the exact one I wanted but… there’s some in Chicago, even Michigan, that might work.”

Ransom’s arm tightens around you, slightly but firmly enough to notice.

“Babe, you’re not serious.”

You pull back enough to look up at his face.

“What do you mean?”

You can see Ransom fighting with his annoyed expression, trying to soften it up. You dimly recognize that you should be grateful--you know how snarky he can get with others when he’s not putting on a filter.

“Your transcript was fucking impeccable. I saw it! I sent it in for you! And you still didn’t get in. You think these other schools are going to accept you….” He trails off, leaning his head back, looking disappointed of all things. Disappointed in you? Or the school?  You can’t tell. All you know is that it makes you feel low again, like you’re nothing, falling into the floor with a sense of worthlessness.

“I’m not tryin’ to be an asshole,” he says, and there’s a flicker of doubt in your mind about the truth of that statement. “I’m just trying to be honest. I don’t want you to have to deal with getting rejected from all those other schools, too. You know what I mean?”

You swallow down against the tightness in your throat. “Their standards might not be as strict. I know they’re not as strict. I could get in.”

He looks down at you, the same intense gaze from the morning that you told him about your plan on his face. The gaze that let you know he believed in you and would do anything--even go long distance for almost half a decade--for you. A gaze that let you know he was serious, honest, giving you his thoughts with an open heart. “Keyword. Could.”

It’s like a slap to the face.

“Are you saying I’m too stupid to get in anywhere?” You start to pull away, but his arms don’t let up and so all you can do is turn your head away, cheeks hot with humiliation. “Don’t you support me?”

“Jesus, no--and Jesus, yes.” Annoyance is bleeding into his voice and you wish you’d just ripped up the envelope and avoided the entire conversation. You keep your eyes on the floor, humiliating tears blurring your vision as you stare at the sliver of a stain from soda that you never got out of the cream colored rug.

“You are the smartest chick I know,” he says, voice a little softer, now. At least he’s trying to stop being an ass. “Seriously, you are. Maybe you’re just a--a different kind of smart. A  kind of smart these schools don’t give a shit about. Do something here with that smartness, then. Stay where you’re at. Fuck, talk to the dean and tell them you want to to an independent degree or something. But don’t get your heart broken a million times when you could just make the most of what you’ve got here.” He squeezes, affectionate. “What we’ve got here.”

It’s not what you want. It’s not viable. You can’t get to where you want to be if you stay where you are. But he’s right--he’s right, isn’t he, because if you can’t get into a school with a nearly picture-perfect record and recommendations and experience oozing out of your ears, will there be any school that accepts you?

And if you stay here, Ransom is here, and you’re already in school here, and maybe you won’t get anywhere near a curator position (but you want to, it’s your dream, why give up on your dream?) but you can do something else, surely. Ransom will help you, like he always does. You might fight and argue and sometimes it gets intense but he always lends you a shoulder to cry on, doesn’t he? He’s always honest with you, even when it hurts. Even when it hurts like this, crushing and disappointing and sharp.

He pulls you closer to him, and this time you don’t fight as you rest your head back on his shoulder.

“So?” He starts to gently stroke your hair, the way he knows you like it.

You nod, sniffling against the last of the tears, unable--afraid--to say anything. 

“That’s my girl,” he says, before gently flicking your forehead and reaching for his phone. “Hey, let’s go see a movie tonight. My treat.”

You nod against his shirt, unable to do more than mumble back, “Okay.” Okay, okay, okay. It’s a soft, unceremonious end to your California dreams.

[desiraypark]

Take What You Want

Characters: !CEO Ben Solo x Plus Size Female Reader Setting: Alternate/Modern Universe  Summary/Content Warning: Fuckin’. On a boat.  Unprotected PIV sex (assume you’re on BC, or don’t!), oral sex (female receiving). Reader is a bit insecure about her appearance but I worked to avoid the whole “woman doesn’t like how she looks, a MANLY MAN-MAN says HE likes it, therefore a lifetime of hurt disappears in seconds YAY!” trope lol. Ben just wants to fuck you in front of the ocean, okay?

*Use of “Ben Solo” is more so to establish his legacy/bloodline, not necessarily his character/personality or anything like that. BEN’S YACHT (Video: 00:15 is where you’re sitting) - I don’t know if I got the terminology right but who cares, let’s get to the bangin’. 

The past five months had been...Interesting. Different. Thrilling. Perfect. Almost, too perfect--but you didn’t fight it.

It was during the second week of January when you strolled through the cool, bland, and dull-lit spaces of Dice6, LLC.--all the way to the conference room where its young CEO, Ben Solo, sat at the head of the table. The receptionist led you inside. You shook his hand and sat two seats to his right. He asked very few questions and listened intently to your answers. Or so you assumed.

Barely five minutes into the interview, he closed your folder, leaned back in his seat, and looked you over. 

“I’m not hiring you,” he said. 

“Oh...okay...” you’d responded, confused and disappointed. 

“I’m going to take you on a date.”

“...excuse me?”

“Why did you apply for this job?” he asked.

“Um, because this is a reputable com--”

“What do you need money for? Do you have a new place? New to the city?”

“I just...I want a well-paying job to survive, Sir...”

He leaned back in his chair and smiled. 

“I’ve got a feeling about you,” he said. He crossed his leg over the other. “I always listen to my instincts. How would you like to survive and thrive on my bank account?”

You freaked out and excused yourself from the interview. Of course, he gave you a call that you ignored. The next day, you got an email reminder about your soon-to-be due student loan payment, and well...you went on and called him back.

____________________

“I’ve never been on a yacht before,” you’d told him over the phone.

“There’s a first time for everything.”

“What do I wear?”

“Dresses, shorts, bathing suits. Lingerie. Preferably nothing.”

“I’ll have to go shopping, I guess.”

“I’d like to see you in jewel tones. And bright reds. I never see you in red.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

You’d sent him pictures of the clothing you’d bought with his money. In his calm abrasiveness, he’d called you and told you that he hated your swimsuits and lingerie. Later, he sent you photos of things he wanted you to wear--lots of things you’d never felt comfortable wearing. Or rather, things other people would make you feel ashamed for wearing. But you took another shopping trip and did your best.

____________________

Ben stood at the door to the outer deck waiting for you. You smiled as he took your hand and led you into the open space for dessert and champagne. The two of you sat close on the plush sofa as you ate a fluffy, strawberry cake and stared out at the sparkling waters.

“Are you enjoying everything?” he asked, breaking the serene silence. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and planted a kiss on his jaw.

“I’m loving it. Thank you for this.”

His eyes didn’t leave you when you pulled away. The pupils were dilated and he was chewing on his lip. You were familiar with that look. Past loves had also signaled their desire to fuck with darkened and narrowed eyes, and working jaws. 

Ben traced the outline of your red lips with the tip of his index finger. You parted your lips, signaling for him to place the tip into the small hole that had formed. He smirked and pressed his finger inside and you licked it. He pushed it further, making you suck. 

“My dirty girl,” he purred. “Where else do you want my fingers?”

You smiled, took his free hand, and guided it to between your legs. He hummed and grabbed your fleshy mound. Then, he removed his finger from your mouth and replaced it with his lips and hot tongue. When he was satisfied with the amount of your saliva he’d collected, he pushed the small dining table back, knelt to the floor, and lifted your emerald green sundress.

You froze and clamped your thighs shut.

“Shouldn’t we go inside, Ben?”

His hungry eyes met yours. He squeezed the soft fabric between his fingers and proceeded to lift your dress until it stopped at your knees. 

“No.”

He placed a hand between your knees to space them apart but you kept them clamped shut.

“What if somebody sees us, Honey?”

“I don’t give a fuck,” he said with shortness. “I’m not waiting another second to taste you.”

You exhaled. Your clit perked up, but Ben was still. His eyes still on you and the skirt of your dress still scrunched between his fingers. 

“I don’t care about your size, Y/N. You know that,” he said.

“I know you don’t,” you started. “But, sometimes, I do.”

Ben released your dress and rubbed your clothed legs. “May I ask a favor of you?”

“Sure, Baby,” you responded, running your fingers through this hair.

“For me--just this one time--let me fuck you right here,” he requested. You swallowed, but before you could speak, he continued. “I want to see your pussy clench when the cool air hits it, then feel it melt when I wrap my lips around your clit...”

He tugged at the skirt of your dress again. “I want to see the sky behind you when I hold your legs in the air.”

Your knees weakened and your ass began to sink into the sofa. Ben pushed your skirt to your thighs and pulled your panties down.

“No more underwear this weekend,” he demanded. He balled your panties up, stood up, leaned over you, and threw them out in the ocean. Then, he fell back to his knees and pushed your heavy legs back.

“Fuck,” you whispered as you fell back on the sofa. You jumped at the feeling of cool air on your moistening pussy and bare thighs. Ben rubbed his fingers up and down your ass and reached up to pull the sandals off your feet. 

“I want to see how your skin glows under a sunset when I’m making you come...”

Ben gripped the back of your right knee with his left hand and rubbed circles over your ever-spreading labia with the pads of his right fingers. You moaned for him--moaned for yourself. Your mind relaxed as your nipples awakened. 

“Is your pussy as juicy as it looks?” he asked.

You threw your head back, now a complete goner. Suddenly, you felt a quick sting on your pussy lips, making you gasp. Your head shot up and you looked beyond your belly and into Ben’s fierce eyes.

“Answer me.”

You nodded profusely. “Yes, Baby. It is. Get a taste, Baby. Please.”

“Mmm...” he said, his index and middle fingers retreating from the others to rub deep into your slit--the crevice keeping your plush pussy lips together slowly drifted apart as your clit poked through them. He slid the two fingers over your wet clit--the insides of his digits stroking the soft bud, and the outsides stroking the warm inner flesh of your labia. Finally, he turned his palm up, pushed his middle finger inside of your welcoming hole, and trailed the very tip of his tongue from your opening to the pointed end of your edible rose.

“Oh, God...” you whispered. 

Ben took his time--licking every centimeter of your delicious pussy--slurping, sucking, smelling--burying his nose inside to get it sticky. You were helpless under him--pussy melting, ass cheeks sticking together with sweat and arousal. Ben would look up to see your contorted face--your breasts jiggling every time you moaned or groaned. He glanced at the orange sun setting behind you, smiled, and returned his focus to his task. When you grabbed his hair, he pulled away.

“I want your first orgasm from me to be on my dick,” he said, unbuttoning his pants. Your teeth sank into your bottom lip as you watched him. Once Ben’s pants and boxers were on the floor, he sat on the sofa and gestured for you to come toward him. “Get on top.”

You froze again. 

“Ben, I don’t--”

Suddenly, his long arm reached out and his hand was around your wrist. He yanked you close--your face nearly falling into his lap. 

“Don’t be disobedient, Princess,” he said. You exhaled, and as fast as you could, climbed onto your knees, hiked up your skirt, and threw your leg over Ben’s lap to straddle him. He alleviated some of your worry by holding your left ass cheek in his hand, and his dick with the other. With his help, you slowly sank on his length. He stared at you the entire way down--patient, but hungry. He seemed to have an aversion to showing too much emotion, but you saw his eyebrows scrunch when your hot walls stretched for him--when he felt just how slick you were.

“That’s it, Gorgeous,” he mumbled. He bit his lip and smacked your ass. “Now, bounce on it. That’s your dick...”

You lifted your hips and fell back down with a pained-but-pleasured moan. 

“Give that tight pussy what it needs.”

“Fuck!” you shouted, picking up your pace.

Ben’s hands rested on the bottom of your ass as it jiggled and bounced in the salty, aqueous air. “Shit! Yes! God! Fuck! Ahh!” a chorus of obscenities you sang out to the sky--so loud, so free that the few remaining clouds parted so that the praise of your own pleasure could be heard by the naughty sector of angels. 

You covered him in your juices. Your flesh clapped against his. He’d ripped the bust of your dress and licked the sweat off your breasts. You pulled his hair. You called him Baby, he called you Princess. You screamed “yes!” he grabbed your throat to momentarily trap the sound. The heavens couldn’t have all of your “yeses”--your body needed to absorb some of your beautiful sounds, too. 

“Oh, fuck,” you whimpered--your fingers falling to your clit. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” you shouted as your clit turned to mush under your fingers--gushing and clenching around Ben’s girth. Your head flew back and your eyes crossed as you rode out your wave. When you came to, you recognized Ben’s grazes against your flesh. 

After a quick, hot kiss, you climbed off his lap and he bent you over the sofa. He sucked at your juice and swallowed sticky cream. And as you observed the waters part for the heavy boat, you felt your walls part once more. Ben buried himself deep inside of your sensitive pussy and leaned forward to whisper in your ear.

“You feel so good,” he said. He dragged out of you and slipped back inside. You turned your head in his direction and he found your lips and kissed you with passion--with fire. Then, he slammed into you repeatedly, chasing his own orgasm. He reached around to rub your clit, hoping to bring you to your second.

“No!” you squealed--squirming away from his touch, but he pressed down harder.

“Yes,” he retorted. “I know you’ve got some more in you. Give me another one.”

Feeling the pressure building inside of you again, you bounced back against Ben’s crotch. 

“There you go,” he said through gritted teeth. “That’s it. Take what you want, Princess...take what you want...”

Just seconds after you exploded on his fingers and around his rock-hard dick, you felt him pulse inside of you. After a few more strokes, he stilled his movement--and you felt his warm cum spreading around inside of you--filling you up. 

Ben collapsed on your back but quickly crashed onto the sofa--as did you. The two of you caught your breath, then you finished your dessert and champagne. When the sky was completely dark, you’d gone back inside of the boat, washed, and changed into warmer clothes. Then, you went back out onto the deck, cuddled on your christened sofa to look at the stars. “I saw you in a dream,” he said out of nowhere.

“Hmm?”

He ran his fingers up and down your arm. “I dreamed about you before I met you. That’s how I knew you were my girl.”

You smiled and felt the urge to break up the sappiness before you started to tear up. “A genius and a psychic. Are you strong with The Force, too?”

Ben smiled--something he rarely did. “Don’t tease me when I’m being sentimental, Princess.”

“I’m sorry,” you said. You gazed into each other’s eyes, then Ben gave you another kiss and pulled you closer to him. ______________________ Thank you to @bluestarego @ellelaconi @xxcatrenxx @millenialcatlady @mariesackler and @clydes-hole for helping me out with this one!

[chargetheintruder]

Also note: ANGRY.

Because people had to push it, didn’t they? President Biden had to see for himself how passive and limp Congress gets, with regards to the eviction moratorium.  I guess because he “forgot” about the last time around. And Speaker Pelosi had to see, for herself, just how disingenuous Biden gets when he insists on “being naive” when HE doesn’t want to get a spine against a Republican either, regarding the eviction moratorium (needed during a pandemic that shows NO sign of ending, ever) and regarding student loan forgiveness (which should happen during a pandemic, disaster or other Act of God).

Here’s a few words about that: Big Business is already pushing the narrative of “just go to bankruptcy court (and spend  money) to talk to a judge (about spending money) and see if you can apply for undue hardship yada yada” and I’m just like “DURING A PANDEMIC YOU INVITED TO OUR SHORES FOR YEARS AND A DISASTER NOBODY SAW COMING?”  Not to mention the Undue Hardship Process demands you have a spotless record of keeping up with payments on student loans--it would do NOTHING for anybody who had defaulted, ever.

So no, absolutely the fuck not.  One CEO equals No Vote on this issue.  It’s got to be forgiveness and waiver.  That’s the process because Big Business has neither a clue or a conscience.  They’ve forced us to pursue globalism, in the name of “not being racist”, until it’s all gone off of a cliff called Pandemic, which is a few steps away from a bigger drop called Societal Collapse.  No, seriously, if we didn’t have people from India and the Middle East shoved down our throats, bedbugs would NOT be a thing in the United States--we got rid of those during the DDT Era.  And likewise, if Nixon hadn’t sold us out to China, there would be NO pandemic issues because THEY wouldn’t be HERE at all, never mind the PET CLIENTELE of back-biting Johnny Reb Corporate Landlords from Hell.

I hate being that blunt about it.  I’m a failed man.  I have no business being cruel.  But this pandemic has no business being here either.  Bedbugs have no business being a problem in the 21st century, in the developed world, either.  Evictions and criminally negligent SSI payments for (and restrictions on) the disabled and poorest of our poor, these have no business being issues in the 21st century, during a fucking crisis.

No, really.  Half of these problems we have are problems we could and should have addressed in the 1990s, but nooo, nobody has enough of a goddamn spine to stand up for people and TO a goddamn rich-wing conservative.  Nobody has the nerve to lynch a conservative and to hang a redneck traitor “republican’ by his red neck until he’s no longer lily-white and is red fucking dead instead.  Nobody has the nerve to say no to money.

Yeah, I want to choke a bitch right now but there’s too many bitches and I only have two hands and more health problems than hands currently.  I would settle for seeing EVERY “republican” and wannabe in D.C. getting horse-whipped by a steel cable to bare flesh but truth be told, nobody’s into justice, not when there’s jokes to be told about a traitor smacking Pelosi in the dome with a speaker’s fucking gavel like a misogynist assclown, isn’t that right?

See.  Right now my mood’s in Singapore, not America.  I have no business being cruel when I could use help actually.  But help never comes. Because ‘Murica had to be fucking stupid until COVID-19, a half-dead virus, EVOLVED halfway into being a damned near new disease.

This whole thing’s getting me down.  I’m sorry.  But yeah, the idiocy we have going on as “leadership” because that sadist Saul Alinsky said so?  That shit-show gets tiresome.  Pwnage as so-called “leadership” gets tiresome and offensive to the marrow of my bones, the ache in my kidneys and the needle-pains in my dick.

Short version:  Knock this the fuck off, get things done, run Traitor Party the fuck over and get it done already.  Fuck McConnel and fuck all “republicans” and wannabes entirely.  14th Amendment, Federal and State.  Then start horse-whipping bitches, because it beats choking and lynching them.

[clevercatchphrase]

2020 Year Review~

2020. Pretty unique year, don’t you think? It’s the first year since 2002 to have only two different digits in it. After 2022, this won’t happen again until 2111. Yep. Absolutely nothing more interesting than that.

Anyway! It’s time I reflect on my 2020, look back on my yearly goals and rant about things that happened to me this year. I made a post like this last year, where I went over my 2019 goals and talked about what I accomplished and what I didn’t, and it’s only fitting I do the same again this year. Read more under the cut for a random stream of consciousness ramble!

So, first things first, let’s look at my 2019 goals;

Finish paying off that last student loan

Put more stuff on my redbubble

Illustrate my own fan fics

Sew at least one stuffed animal

Make an enamel pin

Read one new book a month

Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic

Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make

Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch

Boost my patreon

 Paying Off My Last Student Loan: Going down the list, I am proud to say that I FINALLY paid off all my student loans! (and not a moment too soon. The last payment I made was literally days before the first quarantine rolled out). It took me roughly 4 years on my part-time paycheck to pay off all my loans, and once I finished, I had no money to my name (literally; I had less than 1k as emergency money in case of car troubles or health issues). Heck, I’m STILL living at home as a save up for a place of my own. Finally paying off all my student loans DID activate my secret 2020 new year’s resolution, which was to adopt a cat! I did this too, literally a week later! She is the best thing that’s happened to me this entire year and I love her so much and she is the snuggliest cuddle bug I’ve ever met. I’m so happy she’s in my life now~

Put More Stuff On My Redbubble: ah ha ha ha… I thought I did this, but then I went and checked, and it turns out-! I did not. I made art I intended to go on my redbubble, but haven’t put there yet. They are all drawings of some OCs from a game I want to make, but because I haven’t progressed on making the game this year, I never got around to putting more stuff related to it on my redbubble. At the time of writing, there are 7 days left in December, so I guess I could go and put it up on my redbubble right now, but without context on where the characters are from, there wouldn’t be much point, now would there?

 Illustrate My Own Fan Fics: Another goal that I was so stoked to actually do… and then just didn’t. Gee, I wonder why I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to do it this year? Truly a conundrum. (Hey, you know what? If Ghost Switch counts as a fan fiction in a visual form, then I am doing GREAT on this goal. 2.5 years in, 1 of ~4 arcs done, and still going steady~)

 Sew At Least One Stuffed Animal: Okay, I have a valid excuse for not doing this one. I even knew which stuffed animal I wanted to make, and had the pattern drawn out and everything, but I had no money for materials because I had just paid off my student loans. And then, by the time I did have enough money again, quarantine was in full effect and I couldn’t go out to the fabric store. I’m still trying my best to stay out of public places even if the rules are laxer now, because I don’t want to catch the plague even if everyone in my goddamn city thinks and acts like the problem is over already. Even if they’re all wearing masks, even if they’re staying 6 feet apart, I still don’t want to risk it. I will stay inside until health experts give the all clear, and when that day comes, then I will buy some fleece and make a plush.

 Make An Enamel Pin: I ACTUALLY DID THIS ONE. TWICE! Halfway through quarantine, I was feeling anxious and depressed about my job and how they were planning to have me work with the public despite climbing infection rates and positive covid cases. I didn’t quit then, but in a desperate move to try and become self-sufficient, I went to madebycooper and made two enamel pins based on some butterfly dragons I drew last year. They’re on my etsy store now! I even went out of my way to open a P.O. box just to start a small business! I haven’t sold a single pin yet, and I’m actually really nervous to sell my first because I don’t trust the efficiency of the postal system thanks to the actions of the GOP that really screwed them over this year! (If you would like to see my enamel pins, click here!)

 Read One Book A Month: I did this! With dragon books I bought a couple years back! In fact, I read FOURTEEN dragon books, and still have more books for next year to read! The 14 books I read this year were:

 The Hive Queen

The Poison Jungle

Wings Of Fire Legends: Dragonslayer

Dealing With Dragons

Searching For Dragons

Calling on Dragons

Talking to Dragons

The Bronze Dragon Codex

The Brass Dragon Codex

The Black Dragon Codex

The Red Dragon Codex

The Silver Dragon Codex

Dragon Strike, and

Hatching Magic

 To be honest, I had read The Red Dragon Codex years ago when it first came out, but completely forgotten what it was about. I remembered liking it, and I knew the reading level was on the lower side, but the whole dragon codex series was pretty good! So far, the Silver dragon codex was my favorite, and black dragon codex was probably the worst! Hatching Magic was also really slow and bad and had plot points that went nowhere, but the book was written in the 80s, so I don’t know what I expected. The Dealing with Dragons series was very charming and great for the most part, save for one line in the last book that really rubbed me the wrong way, and all the Wings of Fire Books go above and beyond in this third arc. The second legends book could be a little tighter, though (sky and wren are the best duo and I want a book solely about them, but I honest to god do not care about leaf and ivy’s stories.)

 Write one Page of any story every day/ complete at least one fic: I… did this? Okay, I kinda cheated near the end of the year. I was keeping up the one page a day thing for the first four months, but then the world went to shit and my schedule and habits got disrupted and I fell off my good track record. I completed 7 out of roughly 12 one-shots I had planned for this year (my goal WAS supposed to be one short a month, but… you know how it happens) I kept trying to catch up on this goal all year, but the days kept piling up…. Until November hit. I managed to write over 250 pages for Nanowrimo, and I consider this goal a win. 365 pages of fiction in total, which averages out to about one a day~. SHUT UP IT COUNTS.

 Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make: Another goal I didn’t have the mental energy to commit to this year. Truly a mystery to where all our willpower went in 2020.

 Fully Finish Scripting Ghost Switch: still haven’t done this one yet! The Snowdin arc is completely planned, but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the other areas. I’m not worried, though. I know all the major plot points I gotta hit, it’s just weaving them together in a way that flows nice is the final task. I’m not too worried though. I don’t expect to finish the Snowdin arc for another year and a half, at the bare minimum.

 And my last goal of 2020, Boost My Patreon. I did this at the beginning of the year, but then very intentionally stopped about a third of the way through. It didn’t sit right with me to tell you guys to donate to me when suddenly EVERYONE was financially strained from layoffs or being furloughed. I told my patrons the same, and if you ever need to stop donating to me to take care of yourself first, then by all means, please do. I would feel much better knowing you’re using your money to see yourself fed and housed instead of given to me (where it is pretty much only used to buy gas for my car, honestly)

 Welp! That was all my goals for 2020! I achieved 4 out of 10 goals plus 1 secret goal! Pretty much the same ratio as last year, but now this time I can blame all my failures on the pandemic! I don’t feel so bad about myself anymore~

 ON TO 2021!

 I have 11 goals for the new year, again some rolled over from this list, and some from even older years. They are, in no particular order;

 Read 12 new books (roughly 1 book a month)

Finish the first draft of 2019’s Nanowrimo project and rewrite it

Script TDV

Finish Scripting Ghost Switch

Build A Comic Buffer

Sew 1 Stuffed Animal

Finish 1 Song Comic

Make another Enamel Pin

Finish 2 short original comics (this one counts as 2 goals)

Finish the 5 remaining one-shot fics

 Now to go into depth on each one, more for my own sake, really. I want to know exactly what I have planned for each goal this year, and sometimes just looking at a short list doesn’t capture all the smaller details.

 1)Read 12 new books. Same as last year! I The only difference is I might not be able to make it all dragon-related books. (I try my hardest not to buy from amazon anymore, but half-price-books doesn’t always have the obscure stuff I’m looking for)

 2)Finish 2019’s nanowrimo project. If you read my 2019 year reflection, you’ll notice I said I wanted to do some original writing. And I did! The story I wrote for nanowrimo back then was a story I’ve been toying with since 2017, but it was only last year I finally got pen to paper. Now, you may find it odd that the keyword says “finish”. You may think, “but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for nanowrimo?” and to that I say, WRONG! I wrote 50k words for nanowrimo, but the draft was only about halfway complete. I was kinda discouraged about what I had written last year, because I didn’t like how it was coming out, but I did manage to get it half done. Now it’s time for me to bite the bullet and just finish the thing so I can finally revise it and make it into something I DO like. (It’s still gonna be hella long, tho. That’s what I get for trying to write an epic fantasy, I guess.)

 3)Script TDV. TDV is the abbreviation of the game I want to make. I… still need to do so much for this project OTL… In addition to getting the story solidified, I still need to draw art and game assets, and learn how to code for it, both of which are no small task. I keep having some sort of new year’s goal related to this on my list, and every year I just don’t hit this one. Will 2021 be different?

 4)Finish Scripting Ghost Switch. (Or at the very least, get the waterfall arc completely written out). I have a plan to break this down into simpler steps, by focusing on just one arc for a month or two. Every major arc has 2 to 3 parts, broken up by flashbacks, and if I can just finish one section a month, then I should have the entire thing scripted by the end of the year. It’s not a difficult pace, but seeing if I stick with it will be the real challenge, as it is will all my goals it seems.

 5)Build a Comic Buffer: I’m actually working on this one right now! Since I paid off my last loan and got a new job this year, my current Patreon goals are kind of out of date. They had all been centered around me paying off that last loan, and working towards full-time employment, but those are both completed now! So instead, I would love to get to a place where my patrons could read pages at least a week ahead, and to do that, I need to build a buffer. And since I’m working 5 full days a week now, I can’t afford to fall behind. But you can’t fall behind if you constantly stay ahead! I would like to have… a 10 to 12 page buffer. That’s roughly 3 months’ worth of pages to always have on hand in case I get swamped with work, or something. Right now I currently have a buffer of 3, which will cover me for half a January, which is better than not having anything at all, but still not the best. (ultimately, I would love to have a buffer so big, I could queue them up for the whole year. Wouldn’t that be something?)

 6) Sew one stuffed animal: same as last year. ASSUMING the plague gets under control in 2021, I don’t expect to get to this goal until the summer at the earliest.

 7)Finish 1 song comic: I have 7 song comics planned. One is a gift, one possibly for wandersong, one is a collab that’s currently in the works, but I’m waiting on a friend to do their part before I can continue mine, 2 are UT related, and 2 (well, technically 3, but one is the collab) are KH related. It’s one of the UT ones that will probably get finished, if I’m being honest. It’s completely story boarded, and now I just need to ink and color it. I would like to get it done for UT’s 6th birthday, since I made a song comic on the fly for the anniversary this year, and it was fun, and I’d like to do it again! So, look forward to that next september~

 8) Make another enamel pin: I have a dolphin design I’d like to make because dolphins are cute, if not little murder machines. (need to save up some expendable income first, tho. THESE THINGS AIN’T CHEAP TO MAKE.)

 9 and 10) start and finish 2 original short comics: I’ve got some comic ideas I want to do, but I need to get them written out first. I don’t think either would be too long. Each maybe a couple “episode’s” length, if envisioned on a website like webtoons or tapas. They’d both be heavy in allegory, but not overly drawn out (hopefully)

 11)And lastly, Finish the 5 remaining one-shots I had planned for this year but never got around to. I’m going to try to write one every other month. Pure self-indulgent shipping fluff. If I finish these 5, then maybe I’ll ask other people for more prompts and ideas, which I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it goes~

 Also, Like last year, I’d like to look at everything that’s happened to me this year, though to be honest, I’m not sure how much I remember/how accurate it’ll be. God, I don’t even remember what January was like. Who was I back then? Who were we all back then? I guess I’ll start my yearly retrospective in march because, heh, god we ALL know what started happening in march.

 Firstly, I paid off my last student loan! Then a week later on March 18th, I drove half an hour out of my city to adopt a cat and I love her and it was the best day of this year for me. Spring break is just beginning this weekend, but the attendance at the zoo is shockingly low this year. Apparently, a lot of people watch the news, and they’re all taking precautions about social distancing. I wasn’t too disappointed. Fewer people at the zoo, the easier my job is for me. I was looking forward to getting some free overtime on spring break, since I’m broke after paying off that loan, and I’m a cat parent now and have a furry child to feed. Monday rolls around. My manager calls me and tells me that the zoo is going into lockdown until further notice. I worry for the birds I take care of, but understand it’s for everyone’s safety.

 For two months I sleep in and watch way too much YouTube. I join a couple writing discords. I have nightmares about my birds escaping their enclosure and I dreamed one of the security guards I really like at the zoo gets covid and has to go to the ER. I woke up really upset.

 I started and finished BBS for the first time. I also replayed and finished KH2 final mix for the first time. It had been about 5 years since I last played KH2 before my PS2 died, and it was like coming home~ I also finished tearaway, and played and beat Ryme for a second time (which I can’t remember if I did that last year, but it was a fun experience regardless)

 Mid-June, and I’m allowed to start going back to work, be it on reduced hours. The zoo is still closed to the public, but I’m loving it! I get to work with full-time keepers and do full-time keeper things. It’s so much fun not having to deal with the public. August starts to creep up and there’s a rumor that the zoo will be opening to the public again, which I’m not stoked about. I don’t want to go back to standing in one exhibit all day, talking to guests who don’t listen to the rules or to me. 2 of my younger coworkers (who had both only been there a couple of months) get chosen for full-time positions, while I get passed up which really pisses me off. My other 2 coworkers quit when they think we might be reopening because they cannot risk catching the virus due to at-risk family. I am now the last keeper in the interactive bird exhibit.

 I keep working, the zoo slowly opens, but with me as the only interpreter in our interactive bird exhibit, we can’t open because I can’t run the entire exhibit by myself. So my exhibit stays closed. September comes and goes, and then October starts. Now there is more serious talk of opening my exhibit before the end of the year because the zoo expects to bring in larger crowds for the Christmas lights event in November/December. I ask if I get hazard pay or health insurance since I’m doing full-time hours until they hire more staff. They say no.

 I immediately start searching for a new job feeling incredibly indignant/hurt/slighted/insulted/used/abused/ALL the negative feelings at my job. I had been there for 4 years, but never got a chance to work full time, while the two newest hires who had only been there 2 months both got moved up. I can’t help but feel they were holding one mistake I made two years ago against me and never wanted to give me a chance. (that, or they knew I was reliable when it came to showing up for work in such a volatile position that sees a lot of new faces, and they didn’t want to bother going through the process of hiring someone new) I don’t want to risk my life working around guests who don’t wash their hands and don’t properly distance. I don’t want to gamble with my health when they won’t offer me health insurance because I’m part time.

 Mid October, I get an interview for a full time job and get hired on the spot. I peace out at the zoo 2 weeks later, literally 3 days before they planned to open my exhibit to the public. It was a close call for me to escape before they opened to the public (and pettiness was only partially the reason I dipped out so close to opening). Sorry new hires who are now in charge of the bird feeding exhibit. I taught you the best I could in the short time I had. If the managers are struggling with what to do with one less person, I can’t say I feel bad. I can only hope they delayed opening/closed you down again for your own safety. You are not lightbulbs. I really hope the higher ups stop considering you as replaceable as one. Will I go back to the zoo to visit? Probably. But not for a year at least.

 I started my new job the very next day after I quit the zoo, and have been there ever since, (which isn’t that long yet, tbh. Christmas day was my 2 month anniversary). It’s full time, but it’s also a small business, and everyone’s hours this year have been on the short side due to the plague. I understand, though. They don’t want us to work if they can’t afford to pay us. Everyone is nice enough, though some people smoke and it’s hard to avoid them with how frequently we have to go in and out, and I really don’t want to get lung cancer, sorry not sorry, please and thank you. Also, with such a small team, gossip is certainly harder to go undetected, so it’s a relief knowing people don’t talk behind one another’s backs.

 I participated and beat my 4th nanowrimo in a row, I made TWO apple crisps on thanksgiving, and made baklava on Christmas and both of these recipes were my first time making them, and they both came out adequately! I voted the first day of early voting, and I did an art trade/collab with two of my friends for my birthday! (normally we would have done monthly “art days” where we get together and do art projects for fun because we’re adults and we can spend our time together however we want, but the plague said otherwise this year) We drew pokemon and it was fun! (hopefully I can show you all the results soon. At the time of writing, I’m still waiting for the last two colored parts to get back to me)

 I reached 100 pages on my undertale comic, and finish the first arc out of…! (im not sure. It’s either going to be 4 or 5, I haven’t decided yet)

 Over all, I managed to stay healthy as far as I know. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be this year, but then again, who was? (don’t answer that. I don’t need that kind of comparison in my life right now)

 Will 2021be any better? Honestly? I don’t think so. Not right away, at least. Just because a new year is about to start does not mean the slate is completely wiped clean. The change of the calendar year doesn’t magically make all our current problems disappear. Covid will still be here and cases will still climb when January starts. Small business will still be strained when the month rolls over, police will still go on murdering innocent civilians and getting away scot free, amazon and disney will still be monopolizing all consumer goods and media, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an impending shit show about to go down on inauguration day. I do hope things will get better, though. It’ll be arduous and unpleasant, but I do hope things will improve, because sometimes hoping is all you can do.

 Good night.

[imagining-supernatural]

The First Fight

Part 10 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary: Now that reality has popped your bubble of hope, you start planning for the chance that you die and Sebastian isn’t too happy about that...

Word Count: 1,568

It wasn’t that you were mad at Sebastian…

But it was definitely his fault you were in this predicament. If he had just gotten the annulment back in Vegas, you could be back home drinking a mojito in your favorite bar instead of leaning against the wall of the elevator trying to catch your breath because walking from the front door of his apartment to the elevator was enough to wipe you out.

If you could, you’d laugh at yourself for thinking the treatment had been intense before. This new round of infusions was zapping every single molecule of energy you had. You barely had the motivation to grab a bag of crackers before curling up on the guest bed and falling asleep.

Sebastian didn’t know, though. He called every day and you managed to infuse enough brightness in your voice that he didn’t ask questions. As far as he was aware, you were still doing the same as before.

After all, he didn’t have reason to think otherwise.

By Wednesday, you nearly gave up. You almost called Sean to cancel the car. You almost didn’t go to the hospital for your infusion. You almost started researching divorce attorneys in New York. You felt half-dead already. Your cancer was more aggressive than anyone thought. If this treatment didn’t work, you knew you were going to die sooner than you thought.

And you were not about to saddle Sebastian with your debt. You had a shit ton of student loans from school. You had stacks of credit card debt you hadn’t paid down from your chemo, when you’d had to cut back your hours.

If you died, you were sure the debt collectors would use your new marital status to hound Sebastian for payments.

But you also knew that Sebastian wouldn’t let you stop treatment. He wouldn’t sign the divorce papers until the very last option had been exhausted.

So when you got home from the hospital on Friday, you did the best thing you could think of and started researching how to protect him from your debts. Three hours and a million open tabs into your research later, your laptop was sliding off your lap while you slept.

Slowly, you pulled yourself out of your slumber. The sunlight streaming in through the guest room window let you know it was morning and—

Guest room window? You’d fallen asleep on the recliner last night. You were nearly one hundred percent certain of that.

And… was that coffee you were smelling?

That could only mean Sebastian was home. You could have sworn he wasn’t scheduled to fly back until this afternoon, but wouldn’t put it past him to come home earlier. He was very persistent in taking care of you. Even when he was gone, he still called every day and always reminded you to eat well and take your medicine.

It was fucking annoying.

Aw well. You felt okay enough to pretend you weren’t worse off than when he left. So you pulled on a hoodie and walked out to the kitchen.

“Hey, you’re back early.”

“Yeah,” he grunted. He was sitting at the counter with his phone in one hand and coffee mug in the other. Normally he would have gotten up and prepared your coffee when you walked in, but he wasn’t making any move to do so. He wasn’t even looking at you.

That was weird.

Maybe he was just tired after being camera-ready all week.

So you said nothing as you went about pouring your own cup of coffee.

“I noticed you didn’t eat many of the leftovers I left for you,” he said evenly, still not looking at you. There was an edge to his voice that you’d never heard before. Was it because he thought you weren’t eating well?

Well, you weren’t. But he didn’t need to know that. So, you lied. “Yeah, I, uh, ended up eating at the hospital cafeteria more than usual.”

“Hmm.”

“Is something wrong?” You asked, sitting next to him with your coffee. “Did something happen this week? You seem… off.”

“Why don’t you tell me, Y/N?” He finally looked at you, but with the anger in his eyes, you’d rather he hadn’t. “You aren’t fooling me with the hospital cafeteria shit. You look a hell of a lot worse than you did when I left. And when I came home last night, you were looking up how to protect me from your debt after you die. So you tell me. Are you planning on dying? You giving up?”

“I’m—” speechless, really. You didn’t know how to deal with a mad, closed-off Sebastian. “They changed my… my infusion cocktail this week and it’s been kicking my ass. That’s it. I’m fine, though.”

“Fine,” he scoffed, looking away from you. “Why’d they change your infusions? Huh? You told me everything was fine before I left. You told me the tumor stopped growing.”

“I didn’t lie about that,” you insisted, starting to get angry yourself. “It did stop growing.”

“So then, what? You just decided it’d be fun to stop eating? To start planning for your death?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” you mumbled, taking a scalding drink of your coffee.

“Try me, Y/N,” he nearly yelled, startling you. “Fucking try me. I deserve that much, don’t I? I’m letting you live here, I legally tied myself to you. I thought I was supporting you. I thought we were friends, at least. I deserve a fucking explanation!”

Why had you thought he wouldn’t sign divorce papers? It was very clear to you that he was finally realizing his mistake. He finally realized he should have signed those annulment papers and fucked right out of your life.

“I didn’t ask for any of that, Sebastian! You are the one who pushed for this. You are the one who ignored me when I basically begged you to get the annulment. You’re the one who made me get more tests run and it’s your fault I started to hope again. So I’m sorry that you didn’t realize how much of a fucking burden I am. And I’m sorry that Dr. Sharpe and Dr. Chowdhury didn’t realize how aggressive my cancer was. I’m not giving up, but I’m sure as hell not going to ignore the very real possibility that my tumor won’t shrink and that I’m going to die. I’m not going to ignore the fact that seventy percent was a fucking fairy tale and now that I know my chances of dying are climbing, I’m not going to apologize for trying to protect you from my shitty life in case I die before we get a divorce. Okay?”

“Y/N—”

You didn’t even register his waning anger. Now that you’d given your emotions a voice, you couldn’t stop yelling any more than you could stop the tears running down your cheeks.

“I’m not going to fucking apologize for trying to help you a fraction of how much you’ve helped me. But I’m done living in denial. I thought this treatment was the miracle I was too scared to hope for, but it turns out it’s just as much of a fight that chemo was—no. More. It’s more a fight than chemo was and I’m not giving up, no matter what you think. I almost did this week, but I’m not going to. I’m going to keep fighting, but I know better than anyone that there are some fights that you just can’t win and this isn’t one of those times you can ignore the possibility of losing because if I lose, that’s it. I’m dead. And if you won’t realize that, then it’s up to me to plan for that.”

Knuckles white where you were gripping the mug, you kept your eyes on the dark liquid inside. A tear fell from your cheek and splashed in the mug, creating ripples.

Your outburst drained you so much that you couldn’t even raise the full mug to your lips.

“Y/N,” Sebastian whispered. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw him reach for you. That was enough to give you enough of a burst of energy to slide off the stool and head for the kitchen door.

“I don’t have the energy to do this right now. I’m going to lay down.” Last night, you’d thought that there was no way in hell that Sebastian would sign a divorce agreement. But now you weren’t so sure. Maybe he wanted you gone.

And if he did… well. You understood.

So, just before you left the kitchen, you said softly, “This isn’t me giving up, but… But you had no idea what you were signing up for so if you’re done, if it’s too much, I don’t blame you. I’ll sign whatever you want me to and fly back to Utah.”

He called after you, but you focused everything you had into getting to the guest room, shutting the door, and collapsing onto the bed. Less than a minute later, you heard the front door open, then slam shut. Probably Sebastian leaving. Taking advantage of your absence to return to his normal life.

Hell, he’d had an entire week without you. A week to realize what life before you was like. How much better it was.

By the time you’d cried yourself into an exhausted sleep, half of your pillow was damp with tears.

What do you think will happen when she wakes up? Will they be able to fix things? Does Sebastian even want to fix things?

Chapter 11: The First Article

[mortyvongola2-0]

Screw the Flu

Pairing: Officer!Kylo Ren x Reader

Genre: Oneshot, smut

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings: Strong language, descriptions of sex, driving under the influence of medications, alcohol, abuse of power, sex, kylo ren is a cop, sex as payment(sorta)

Read it on AO3

“Fuck,” you whispered to yourself as you slowed your car to a stop. You looked to your passenger and smacked her chest with the back of your hand. “See what you did?”

 Despite your smack, your friend remained unconscious and you sighed. You reached down for your wallet and opened your glove box once you’d grabbed it. From the glove box you grabbed the car registration and then you heard that tell tale tap at your window. With a bit of nausea, you turned and rolled down your window. The officer, a very tall and attractive man, cleared his throat and put his hand out. “License and registration please.”

 “Oh, of course officer, um,” you squinted at his uniform, trying to read his name despite how distorted your vision was. “Officer Ren?”

 He put his hand out expectantly and you handed him the papers quickly, praying that he didn’t notice the slight glaze of your eyes and the stuffiness of your nose. “I’ll be back,” he muttered.

 “I’ll be waiting,” you tried in a flirtatious tone. He eyed you suspiciously before continuing his way back to the police car behind you. A deeply frustrated sigh left you and you sunk down in your seat. What a time to have the flu.

 Hoping to get off with a warning, you pulled down the mirror from the visor of your car and checked your appearance. You looked relatively presentable, hopped up on NyQuil and on the lower end of your fever. A small adjustment to your white tank-top made your breasts look more appealing and running your fingers through your hair helped calm the ‘I’ve been in bed all day’ look.

 “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

 “Wah!” You almost jumped out of your skin! After pressing a hand to your chest you turned to look at the man, a small smirk now resting on his plump lips, as he watched you closely. “Jeez, has anyone ever told you how quiet you are?”

 “Once or twice,” he said smugly as he handed you back your license and car registration. “Again, do you know why I pulled you over?”

 “Oh, no sir. I have no idea.” Again, you tried a flirtatious tone and again it fell flat as he didn’t bat an eyelash to your flirtations.

 “You were driving all over the road,” he stated. “What’s going on with your friend here?”

 “Oh her? She’s just reeeeaaaallllllllly drunk,” you said with an honest snort before realizing your mistake. “I mean, she is but I’m not. Sir, I would never drink and-“

 “Step out of the vehicle, please.”

 You mentally smacked yourself in the forehead. What a great idea, tell the officer your passenger is smashed while he suspects you of drinking and driving. He opened the door for you, Oh, what a gentleman, you thought sourly and stepped out of your car. He left the door open and you stepped out into the chilly air and shivered. Unfortunately, you missed the movement of his deep caramel eyes as they watched you cross your arms under your breasts and push them upward as you tried to keep yourself warm.

 “You were driving barefoot?”

 A blush spread across your cheeks as you glanced down your gray sweats and to your bare feet. “Um, yes?” When you left your apartment, you hadn’t even been thinking about shoes and you apparently hadn’t realized you forgot them.

 “Is that a question?”

 “Noooo,” you started, trailing your gaze down to his black work shoes. “I mean, yes I was driving barefoot but it wasn’t a question.”

 “Its never a good idea to drive barefoot, you know.”

 “Neither is driving after drinking tons of NyQuil, but that didn’t stop me either.”

 “Oh?” Shit! “Is that so?” Why’d you have to open your dumb mouth!?

 “Ah, Officer wait!” You rushed forward and squeaked when he grabbed your wrists in one hand in response to your proximity.

 “Do you want to be charged with assault too?”

 “No, definitely not!”

 He grabbed the handcuffs from his belt and brought your hands behind your back as he cuffed them together. Tears began to fill your eyes as the reality of the situation began to set in. You had student loans to pay off, you couldn’t afford a DUI ticket now, let alone arrest for assaulting an Officer! Shit, shit, shit! And your friend was still sleeping through all of this? Maybe that was a good thing, she had never been the calmest when inebriated. “Officer, please,” you begged. “I can’t afford this ticket, please.”

 “You should’ve thought about that before you started driving.”

 “Officer Ren, please! My friend obviously couldn’t drive home, and all our other friends were smashed at the same bachelorette party! When she called me, I had just finished taking the medicine so I could sleep. I didn’t even know it was against the law! Please,” you pleaded as he brought you around to the hood of your car. The freckled man gently pressed you down against the hood with your back facing him. Your tears started to fall, “Is there nothing I can do?”

 “Sorry,” he muttered. “Ignorance of the law is no excuse.”

 You let out a frustrated groan and pressed your forehead down against the cold metal in frustration. Maybe it was the NyQuil or maybe it was because you hadn’t gotten any in awhile but you were enjoying his pat down more than you should have been. Now he pulled you up off the car, he was gentler then you’d seen most cops be. Maybe it was because you weren’t struggling? Either way, it surprised you when you tripped, and he caught you by the front of your shirt and your cuffed hands right before you fell to the ground. “What the hell? Careful,” he exclaimed.

 Now you were more than embarrassed. If he straightened you up, if you faced him, he would have a full-frontal view of your boobs. His hand was still gripping the thin material of your tank top and it seemed like slow motion as he started to stand you up properly. “W-Wait, don’t!”

 You were mortified, a blush began spreading across your exposed chest and up to your cheeks, and you squeaked out your disapproval. Officer Kylo Ren’s eyes widened as they were glued to your exposed flesh and he seemed to choke on his next set of words. As soon as he came to his senses, he turned to look away, his own blush lightly dusting his ears, and he let go of your shirt. “Uh, sorry,” he mumbled and rubbed the back of his neck. “Go ahead and fix yourself.”

 “I can’t,” you muttered, still embarrassed but curious about the shifting of his legs.

 “What, why?” He turned his head back to face you, his gaze wandered down before quickly jumping back up to meet your eyes with his narrowed ones.

 “Because my hands are cuffed behind my back,” you replied, a dumb idea forming in your mind.

 “Right,” Ren muttered and took a deep breath to straighten himself out. That really dumb idea was now at the forefront of your mind. “I’ll uncuff you for a moment so that you can straighten yourself out.”

 “Mr. Officer, sir,” you began, your brain to mouth filter no longer working due to the copies amounts of nighttime medicine churning through your blood stream. He paused in his efforts to uncuff you, partially due to you turning to face him and still flashing him your breasts but also so he could react to anything you were planning on doing. “You are a very hard working man,” you paused a moment and checked to make sure there was no silver or gold band around his left ring finger, “and in exchange for a warning, I’m more than willing to show you my appreciation.”

 “Are you propositioning me? Propositioning a police officer?”

 “Uh,” you blinked. “This isn’t going to end up on Live PD, is it?”

 “No, I do not have body cam, nor a dash cam, and they don’t follow this county.”

 “Then yup, I mean yes, yes I am propositioning you.” It was a bit chilly, your feet were now filthy and your nipples, after their long exposure to the night air, were hard and begging for warmth. “If I can get you off, will you let me off? Please?” You bat your eyelashes and gave him the most sultry look you could muster. One of his hands were still holding your cuffed ones and the both of you were still by the trunk of your car. He was staring at you with an unreadable expression, you were mental degrading your big fat mouth! Now he was going to arrest you, propositioning an office was one of the most illegal of illegal things! You were going to go to prison, you were going to jail horny and with the flu and your friend was still passed out in the passenger seat!

 “Okay,” he said.

 “I’m sooo sorry, please don’t- wait, did you just say okay?”

 He was smirking at you, his pupils a bit more dilated. Now he was no longer avoiding your exposed breasts, he was basically eye fucking you. The blush spread through your chest and up to your cheeks, a shiver crawled its way up your spine. “I have two conditions,” he responded, and you paused. “First, you keep the cuffs on, second, we make it a competition.”

 Kinky, you were okay with kinky.

 “If I get you off first, I win. If you get me off first, you win and I’ll let you go with a warning.”

 “What happens if you win?”

 He chuckled in response and began to push you back towards the trunk of your car. “You’ll see.”

 Officer Ren smashed his lips to your own, effectively silencing your response. Your back was now pressed against the end of your trunk and your mind was going pleasantly blank. He was a great kisser. His lips were soft and plush, and the perfect size against your own. The heat from the kiss was searing and it effectively warmed up your chilled body. He pressed his body closer to yours and you moaned against his mouth. The rough fabric of his uniform shirt rubbed against your nipples and you gasped, he used that instance to shove his tongue in your mouth and start exploring. Goosebumps rose up along your flesh as he dragged his tongue across the roof of your mouth and you moaned when it brushed against your own wet muscle.

 One of his hands wrapped around your waist and the other was running through your hair. Eventually you had to pull away from the incredible kiss to breathe, you still had the flu no matter how good the NyQuil made you feel and breathing out of your nose was more difficult then you’d like to admit. Ren started kissing down your neck and you were more then willing to allow him ample access. Another moan escaped you, and you were beginning to strain your arms against your binds. You wanted, more than anything to touch him, and having your hands bound left you far more disadvantaged then you would’ve liked. “Officer Ren-“

 “It’s Kylo.” His voice was huskier then you remembered it being.

 “Kylo-“ you cut yourself off when you moaned. His talented mouth had wrapped around your left nipple, while his left hand played with the opposite breast. Your toes were curling against the road and your back was beginning to arch toward him. “Kylo, ah, my hands, mmm that feels great,” his right hand had slipped past the waist band of your sweatpants and had begun to rub against your pelvis. “My hands leave me a bit disadvantaged.”

 “Hm, that’s too bad,” he chuckled against your right breast before lapping at your neglected nipple.

 You let out a whine, both at the unfairness of the situation and at the tingle his actions sent straight to your core. His wayward hand began to stroke your entrance through your underwear. Again, a chuckle reverberated from his chest, he didn’t have to say anything for you to understand what had caused his response. You were the wettest you had ever been. Your underwear was ruined, you well knew, but did you care? No, not at all.

 “Please,” you pleaded, trying your best to get out what you wanted to say before your brain completely turned to mush. “A chance, I just need a chance, please.”

 He stood back to his full height, his deft fingers pressing against your clit through the now aggravating fabric. “Fine, I’ll give you a chance,” he responded, a smug expression plastered to his face. “One chance, but your hands stay bound.”

 Unfortunately, or very fortunately he removed his hand from your underwear and sweatpants. He backed up a bit, giving himself enough space to unbuckle his multiple belts and pull down his zipper. You licked your lips in anticipation and had to keep from drooling once he finally removed himself from the confines of his boxers. Officer Kylo Ren was well endowed. He was longer then expected, but the thickness of him was the real kicker. Just from a look you could tell he would rub you in all the right places. Again, you really wished your hands weren’t bound so you could feel his fullness in your palm. Before he could make a comment, or be haughty in any way, you got down on your knees and started kissing along his clothed thighs. You were thankful for your choice in sweatpants, the road didn’t cut into your knees like you were afraid it would, and you were thankful for Kylo’s readiness to be in your mouth. At first he pressed his tip against your lips and you very willingly opened your mouth for him.

 His groan was music to your ears.

 It was hard to breathe, what with your stuffed nose and Kylo’s large cock in your mouth, but the burning in your chest from lack of oxygen was more then worthwhile. His taste was addictive and you moaned against him. The officer grabbed the back of your head and helped keep your mouth against him. “Oh yeah,” he sighed out. “Mmm, just like that. Fuck, you’re good at this.”

 You dragged your tongue from his base to his tip and made sure to lap up all his precum. If you had your hands, you would have been sure to pay attention to his balls as well, but sadly you couldn’t. A gag escaped you as you did your best to put as much of him down your throat as you could. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes and he bucked his hips further into the small space your throat had left to offer. “Fuck!”

 He tugged at your hair, pulling you off of him. Your throat made a loud squelching noise as he removed himself from your mouth. Kylo let out a breathy chuckle, “I almost lost,” he said and began to pull you back up to stand. “Almost.”

 “You should just let me win,” you responded hoarsely. “If I do, it’ll end well for both of us.”

 “A tempting off, but I’m not ready to be finished yet.” Officer Ren placed his hands on your hips and turned you over, one of his hands pressed against your back, which forced your front to press against the cool metal of the trunk of your car. His other hand began pushing your sweatpants and underwear down to your ankles. You whined, wishing more than anything that he would give you back the use of your hands. His fingers traced along your entrance and you bit your bottom lip at the feel. Kylo easily slid one of his fingers inside of you, then another, and he began to curl them against your walls. You sighed and pushed your hips back to better feel his fingers. “You’re so wet, and you feel so good wrapped around my fingers.”

 “Mmm,” you moaned and spread your legs out as far as they could go with your pants around your ankles. “I’d feel even better wrapped around your fat cock.”

 “Well, lets test that theory,” he muttered as he removed his fingers. You could feel the blunt tip of his penis rub against your labia and you sighed. Kylo rubbed himself up to your clit then teased your entrance. Once you were both sure he was thoroughly coated in your slick, he slid inside without any resistance. He groaned loudly and you couldn’t make a sound. You took a deep breath in, he was just so big! It felt better then you were expecting, and as he bottomed out inside you, all your breath left in a woosh. Thankfully, he stopped and gave you time to adjust to his size. “You good?”

 “Y-Yeah, ah,” you moaned and squeezed your eyes shut. In an effort to test how ready you were for him to move, you swiveled your hips and groaned. Never before had a man felt so good inside you. Officer Ren groaned his approval at your movements and started with shallow thrusts, and once he heard your sounds of approval he began to go at a punishing pace. The car creaked as the two of you moved together, you could see him in the reflection of your rear windshield, and you licked your lips. He looked good with his cap tilted backward and concentration plastered on his face. Despite the cold you could see small beads of sweat making his hair stick to his forehead and his eyes were trained to the spot where your bodies joined. “Oohhh, you feel so good!”

 “You’re so tight,” he grunted and lifted a hand to smack your right butt cheek. “Mmm, I like that sound.”

 Your cheek felt warm and tingly, and as he brought his hand back down to smack you again, you shivered. Spanking had never appealed to you before, but it was certainly your new favorite kink. That and handcuffs. Kylo had reached up with his other hand and grabbed your cuffed hands, he pulled you back toward him, your back and hands now pressing into his clothed chest. The pressure was uncomfortable on your shoulders, but you easily overlooked it when he started nipping and sucking at your neck. The hand that had been at your ass snuck to your front and began to press at your swollen clit. He licked a trail from your collarbone up to your ear, “You were right, you do feel better wrapped around my fat cock,” he huffed and licked the shell of your ear. Two of his fingers were now rubbing against your bundle of nerves and you began to shake. You were close, so so sooo close. He kissed back down your neck and sucked at the junction between your shoulder and neck. “Cum for me.”

 Kylo gave one final thrust, his tip hit against your cervix and you almost shrieked. The feeling of your cervix being abused triggered your orgasm, and your body trembled against his as it rippled through you. He let out a loud groan against your throat as his orgasm started and your walls tried to milk him for all he had. Once you came down from your high, you opened your mouth so that you could breathe properly and whimpered softly when he pulled out of you. The officer’s breathing was also heavy, but just as the feeling of him clutching at your cuffed hands began to make you uncomfortable again you felt him uncuff you.

 “Uhg, now I’m even more exhausted,” you sighed as you leaned back down against your car. “But I’m the good kind of exhausted.”

“Let me help you clean up and get you back in your car.”

 “Mmhmm,” you nodded drearily, and a small smile crept onto your face as you felt him use a handkerchief gently to wipe his cum away from your abused cunt. Kylo helped you pull your underwear and sweatpants back up and over your hips. You put in some effort and used your newly freed hands to pull up your tank top once again. Your legs felt a little shaky, and the chill began to creep back into your limbs. Using the car to keep upright, you began to walk back toward the driver’s seat.

 “Here,” Officer Kylo came up behind you and wrapped a soft blue blanket over your shoulders. He held your car door for you and you eased yourself back into your seat. “You alright?”

 “Yeah, just a little sore,” you responded, a sly smirk crawling onto your lips. “That was fun. You’re good.”

 “You’re not so bad yourself,” he chuckled in response. Gently, Kylo closed your door, he leaned against the door and stuck his head through the rolled down window. “But I still won.”

 “What? But- does that mean I have to-“

 He very slyly slid his hand toward you, a white slip of paper dropped in your lap. Officer Kylo pat your car door and stood back up to his full height. He said you nap and tilted his hat to you, “See you around, sickie.”

 And with that he was walking back to his patrol car. You groaned loudly and smacked your head against your steering wheel. After turning your car back on you rolled up your window and sighed. You reached forward and grabbed the ticket to look at the damage, but all that was written on the slip was a phone number and his days off. “Huh,” you muttered to yourself, a small smile creeping onto your cheeks.

 “Nice job.”

 “Ah!” You turned to your passenger seat, startled, and saw your friend slouching in her seat with a sloppy smile on her face. “I thought you were passed out.”

 “I was, but then the car started rocking and it woke me up,” she smirked at you and crossed her arms over her chest. “Nice hickey by the way, if it was as nearly as good as it sounded then I’m so proud of you. He was really hot too.”

 “Let’s get going before he gives me an actual ticket,” you sighed, a playful smile crawling onto your lips. As you started driving away, you thought about the number on that ticket, and gave an open mouthed smile.

[dethl]

Hi, I'm Ren (please ignore the name on the account it's my deadname), I'm a 25 year old artist, college student, and cancer survivor, and I've been living in the dorms at my school to escape my family and to reach a point where I can safely transition. I was finally starting to stabilize financially and was on track to start transitioning when the pandemic hit and stripped me of the ability to work over the summer, and I'm running out of money to pay rent and buy food. On top of that I've run into complications with my financial aid that may force me to drop either my loan or work study, and dropping either would leave me short later in the semester unless I found immediate new work.  If I'm unable to keep up with my rent my only option would be to move back in with my family, which is terrifying to me, especially since my brother moved back in with them which would mean that I would both be stuck with someone I have a lot of traumatic memories with and be left without a room in an extremely poorly maintained house and be stranded in the living room with no respite from them. My rent is $645 per month (plus an extra charge for digital payment of about $6) and is due on the first of August, and I also need to refresh my bus pass on June 23rd which is an additional $35, totaling to $686 excluding groceries . Right now I have approximately $712, which may barely be enough to last until then but I would be left with little to no money for groceries and absolutely no means of paying rent for September, meaning I won't be able to last until I receive my financial aid refund midway through the month. $1000 would be enough for me to make it until then, though I may need to change it as things develop. That'll most likely be the case as I'm at a loss as to how I can fund my transition at this point. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read through this and to anyone who shares or donates, every bit really goes a long way.

posting this on my friend’s behalf, please boost this! donations have slowed down considerably

[bill-hader-imagine]

The escort

Chapter 1 (Bill x reader)

Warnings: nsfw

Word count: 2412

———————————————————————

True love is a sham. You tried to achieve it , for times to be exact. One- your high school sweetheart with muscles from steroid abuse. Two- your professor in college , turns out you weren’t the only student he was giving extra credit to. Three- a salesman you met while you were waitressing at a steakhouse in New York. Well........he said he was a salesman , turns out he was a felon and when the cops found out his location he skipped town. The fourth man was the final straw. His name was Chad, a business man who turned out to be a loan shark. He promised you heaven and delivered hell.

You wish you never introduced him to your dad ....who has a gambling addiction. He was the last person your father needed to meet.

You had a feelings that’s why you got called to the hospital today , you hadn’t seen your dad in a couple days and then this morning your brother called you freaking out and said you needed to come to the hospital.

“Y/n!” He exclaimed when you found your dad’a room. Your heart sank when you looked over at him. He was bloody and covered in bruises and by the looks of things he was being kept alive by tubes. You felt yourself holding back tears ....how did this happen?

As your thoughts were racing your phone rang and of course it was Chad.

“Hey! Did you get my message?” He asked.

“I knew this was your doing. I’ll kill you” you reply with gritted teeth.

“Your father owes me quite a bit of money (y/n) and if he doesn’t pay it , I’m coming after the rest of your family.” He threatens with a menacing tone.

“How much does he owe you?” You ask with little emotion, you couldn’t let your brother see you upset.

“A million dollars” chad laughs.

A MILLION DOLLARS? where the fuck were you going to get a million dollars. You looked at your father helplessly. Dad....what did you do?

Later that night you’re at your best friends house and you tell her everything. About chad hurting your father and about how much money your dad owes him.

“Well...maybe you should consider taking that job with your aunt” she says , hints of worry peppered in her voice.

“Oh god..” you reply putting your head in your hands. Your best friend scoots closer to you and rubs your back comfortingly.

“I know you don’t want to but (y/n) if chad is going to go after the rest of your family , you kinda don’t have a choice.” she adds, and she was right.

“I guess I just feel ashamed , I never thought I’d be one of those girls who sells themselves” you say lifting your head.

“Hey remember when I stripped to get through college? I sold my body and honestly I would do it again if I needed to. It was great money, it’s an honest career (y/n) and nothing to be ashamed of at all. You shake your head.

“Stripping is different, you were a performer a dancer ..... escorts are just hookers - not that there’s anything wrong with that it’s just not for me” you reply.

“Didn’t your aunt say the sex was optional?” Your friend reminds you before an alarm on her phone goes off.

“Oh Christ I have a conference call I’m late for, I really think you should at least talk to your aunt and see what it’s all about ok?”

——————————————————-

The next morning all you can think about is your dad , after a long night of thinking you decide to visit your aunt’s office today, she was pleasantly surprised to see you.

“(Y/n!) hi” she chimes when you stand in the doorway of her office.

“It’s nice to see you aunt-“ you begin to say but she cuts you off with a hand in the air.

“Here you must call me mrs. Smith” she presses, she had an image to withhold.

Before you knew it she smacks the underside of your chin “chin up!” She commands before her hand whacks the small of your back “straighten your Posture” she comments again. She was circling you like you were a show horse she might buy and she nods.

“Well like I’ve always told you , you’re certainly gorgeous” she says with a smile.

“And you’ll be even more gorgeous after we get you all dolled up for your test shots” she adds matter of factly.

“Aunt-“ she shoots you a glare and you correct yourself

“Mrs. Smith I haven’t agreed to anything yet” you implore.

“By the sounds of your situation I dare say you don’t have an option. You told me you needed a lot of money fast well....this is how you make a lot of money and fast” she replies. Damn it she was right.

“If you don’t pay chad off he will come after you and your brother...” she adds

“I need a million dollars though” you say to her helplessly.

“Will this chad person take payments?” She questions with a hand on her hip.

“Yes..” you sigh.

“Well then, you could pay him off in a year... we’ll just have to put you to work right away” she chimes.

“Highest paying accounts only! We will start right now” she adds, she sounded almost excited.

“Yeah I guess I’ll do it” you say quietly. You really didn’t have a choice, hopefully it would be as bad as it felt right now.

“Of course you will ! Now do you have any questions before we start?” She checks.

“How do I get ready to work for you?” You ask almost instantly.

“Oh not much just dolling you up and making you perfect in every way” she responds with a light smile.

“Oh is that all” you reply sarcastically.

“You’ll need to be waxed, buffed , smoothed , made up and made over” she replies.

“I can’t force you to get a make over but I strongly recommend one” she adds.

“Alright I’ll do it “ you say with a smile, a makeover sounded wonderful. You spend the next few hours being prodded, plucked, waxed, scrubbed and painted. Now it was time for the photo shoot , your aunt picked out different costumes for you to wear and you posed and draped yourself over the furniture. The results were amazing! You barely even recognized yourself.

“I knew you’d be a perfect model” you aunt says proudly.

“These pictures are stunning , you’ll pay that awful man back in no time” she adds.

“So what’s next?” You ask.

“Now I will chose the highest paying clients for the coming year and we’ll book you one per month until your debt is paid” she instructs.

“In fact I already have someone in mind for your first client , care to see?” She questions. You nod and she reaches for her phone pulling up a photo. You were surprised to see quite a good looking man on the screen. He had dark chestnut hair , gorgeous blue eyes , a killer jawline and a nice smile.

“Why would someone like him need to pay for a date ?” You ask.

“He chose you, I sent your headshots to him right after we took them and he agreed to the match” she explains.

“He lives in New York so you won’t have to travel far but you’ll be staying at his residences for the next month” she speaks again.

“After your time with him is over , you’ll be sent to another client for another month and so on until your debts are paid.” She says. You felt almost excited , your world as you knew it was about to change.

———————————————————-

It was the start of the month and the client agreed to pick you up in a limo so it looks classy. You look down at all your belongings , they fit into a backpack. Your aunt Told you that clothing was the clients responsibility, not yours. They dress you so that way you know you’re always wearing what they want. You felt your palms start to sweat as the prospect of meeting this man finally set in. As if on cue a sleek black limo pulls up to your apartment, the driver gets out opens the door for you and takes your bag.

“Thank you” you say as you get in, he shuts the door behind you and gets back in the drivers seat. You were surprised to see you were the only one in the limo , you thought the client would be here to greet you.

What a tool.

———————————————————

An hour or so later you arrive at a large mansion on the outskirts of town. The driver opens your door and walks with you to the front porch , you offer to take your bag from him but he insists he has it. Your heart flutters when the client opens the door, he was even more gorgeous in person. His eyes fell on you , your body tingled under his gaze.

“You’re (y/n?)” he asks with a smirk. You nod “and you are?” You question. He opens his door wider letting you in.

“My name is William Thomas Hader jr.” he introduces.

“My friends call me bill” he adds. Your eyebrow quirks playfully.

“Am I your friend?” You ask, again his eyes travel your body and you feel a chill shoot you your spine.

“I’d certainly like that” he says with a smoldering look.

This month was going to be a cake walk, this guy was a total smoke show. Your eyes wander around his home , it was beautiful and had such a gorgeous view. While the gorgeous room was beautifully decorated you find yourself gazing out the window. Rolling hills of green grass and trees for miles.

“Let me take your bag and then I’ll show you around” he says grabbing your bag from you. The limo driver was long gone by now. He sets your bag in a closet somewhere and then grabs you by your hand somewhat nervously. His touch is warm and soft yet strong. You feel your heart beating in your chest as he leads you to what was obviously his bedroom.

“This is my room” he says with a nod. You look around and your eyes fall on his giant bed, it looked so comfortable, and you were so tired from the ride up here. You could feel Bill watching you , it made you extremely self aware. You flash him a slight smile and walk over to the window. His bedroom over looked a glistening lake it must have been a gorgeous sight during a storm.

“Beautiful right?” His voice chimes , he had moved right next to you, you could feel his breath on your cheek. If you got any hotter for this man you were going to melt, but you’d only just met so take it slow, you reminded yourself.

“Now I’ll show you your room” he says as he grabs your hand again and leads you down the hall. You love the feeling of his touch.

Keep it together (y/n) this is a business arrangement. You’re not going to have a relationship with him you’re going to have a........transaction.

“This will be your home for the next month” he says with a smile. You honestly couldn’t complain it sure beats the hell out of your single bedroom apartment.

“Here are all the clothes you’ll need” he says again as he opens the enormous walk in closet , your jaw drops.

“You are of course welcome to keep anything you’d like” he adds. You barley hear him as your gawk at the gorgeous designer clothes with the tags still on them.

“It’s all so beautiful, thank you” you chime smiling. All of this only made you question why Bill would ever need to hire an escort, he’s handsome he’s rich and he’s generous he should have no problems finding a girl.

“You are quite possibly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on” Bill speaks. His words melted into you and made you feel sensations you didn’t even know existed.

“I’m glad you want to lay them on me” you respond with a flirty smile.

Your eyes meet his and you move closer to one another. You can feel his body beat through your clothes this man is absolutely radiant. Bill leans into you to whisper in your ear

“I can’t wait to see you naked” he chimes.

“Well...you’ve got me for the month” you reply.

“Wait hold on” you add.

“Isn’t sex optional? You’re certainly making assumptions Mr. Hader” you say again.

He simply smiles “I’m aware of the contract (y/n)........I’m also aware of what it feels like to want and to be wanted” he says.

“If I see you naked it won’t be because I’m paying for it” he adds with a smile of confidence.

“It’ll be because you want me to see you naked” he puts his arms around your waist and pulls you closer you gasp as his hardness presses into you.

“If you drop your clothes for me, I won’t have had to ask” he says quietly in your ear. Every fiber of your being was waiting for his next touch. He kisses you lightly behind your ear , the feeling of his stubbly chin brushing against your smooth one sent shivers down your spine and you could feel desire pooling between your thighs. You let a soft moan slip out and his strong hands tighten around your waist. His hard length grinds against you and he places another soft kiss on your cheek.

“I can wait until I don’t have to ask” he says and just like that he lets you go. You stand there smiling he returns the smile before speaking again.

“I have some work to catch up on, my house is yours , feel free to do whatever you’d like, sunbathe, use the pool but I’ll need you ready and wearing a cocktail dress at 6pm sharp” he informs.

“What’s happening at 6?” You ask.

“We’re going to a party, I’ll tell you more later on” he replies.

“See you at 6” you say.

“See you then Ms. (y/n)” he squeezes the top of your hip before leaving.

Fuck. He’s going to be trouble.

———————————————————————

A/N: that was chapter one let me know what you guys think in the comments!

Taglist: @loser-trashmouth @hadersadork



[anxiouscritter]

we knew it was coming

TW: Negative self talk, stress, anxiety, loans, university stress, poor parental relationship.

Getting serious for a second guys so buckle up.

I’m a UK student, my mother (who I don’t feel as though i have a good relationship with) urged me to get online banking. This will become relevant later.

As the UK enacts a third national lockdown, university students have been given ‘stay put’ orders. Essentially we can’t return to campus or our accommodation unless it’s under a very specific set of circumstances (which is literally a list of 5 vague bullet points). However, we are still expected to pay the full amount not only for our education, which is now held over the internet which can be very unreliable for someone with a crappy broadband plan or shit technology in general (i expect to miss out on the majority of my second term education due to outdated technology and poor internet). But we are also expected to pay fully for our accommodation, which we aren’t allowed to return to. I am expected, in four days time, to pay £2000 OUT OF POCKET --not fake loan money-- for a single room and shared kitchen that I am not permitted to return to.

This is where internet banking comes in. Over the past week I have been putting the steps in place to set up online banking for myself so I can keep track of loan payments, etc, and so I’m not late for paying the extortionate rent for the room I cant use. Of course, In true Ellis style, I mess it up, have a meltdown, two anxiety attacks, and now have to ring a phone number and talk to someone about something?? I don’t even know what I need to call them about? They also didn’t send me a complete set of login details, at least, none that work. 

My PC is currently inside my uni halls flat, and before i came home for Christmas i would do all my work on my PC instead of my laptop. This is because my laptop is almost 12 years old, half the keys no longer work, and it overheats and dies without warning constantly. I am not allowed to return to halls which means I am not allowed to return to pick up my PC (bare in mind I live a 10 minute drive away from my university campus). This whole technological kerfuffle will add to my frustration with the course and make me burnout faster than I did last term.

I think the main thing that is stressing me right now is that i will be online learning from home which did NOT work for me before. Being at home also means i have to mask the majority of the time, not only my autistic traits but my queer and gnc traits also, and i’m not sure how long I can keep that up.

In no way am i suggesting uni be open again, but that costs should be lowered as well as the general standards for work. We aren’t getting the same education as everyone else so why are we being pinned at the same level?

I’m genuinely so over uni now. It’s fucking me up without even starting yet and I just don’t know what to do. If I drop out, which is the glaringly obvious choice for me currently, then I will be forced to remain at home and get bombarded by my mother to get a job, which is essentially impossible for someone with my sensory/social issues (entry jobs are mostly retail or hospitality which do not work for me in the slightest).

I’m so stressed and so tired, I can’t hack it. I’m currently mid-meltdown while writing this. The room i am sat in is 11.5 degrees though i imagine it is more like 9.5, and i don’t want to do anything anymore.

[nottonyharrison]

hey I just read your life advice post and I didn't know the bits about credit ratings! do you have any other tips or can you elaborate on some of this stuff?

Sure thing!

Just a caveat though, I am not a financial expert so please don’t take this as gospel. I also live in New Zealand so there are always some things that are a bit different although credit reporting tends to be relatively similar most places I believe.

One of the things my parents always told me is that one of the most important things in life is your credit rating. Depressing, I know. But unfortunately if you fuck it up it can lead to a pretty terrible downward spiral that’s really hard to get out of.

Many jobs will credit check you before moving forward with an application. As a former hiring manager, I used to do this when I had selected a candidate to move forward to the reference stage with. If the candidate returned a score below a certain threshold, or had any red flags in their report such as insolvency or debt collection, then our policy was generally to not move forward with that candidate. There were exceptions to this, and I would generally call the person and ask for context around it, but not everyone is as willing to hear someone out as I was.

So what does this mean? It means that if you get laid off and have a history of missing due dates for your bills, you might find it hard to get another job. Which in turn means you can’t pay your bills. You see the dilemma here?

Other places that will credit check you are utility and service providers. Here’s a scenario:

You broke your phone. It’s your only electronic device, and you rely on it to receive emails, texts, check your social media, keep in touch with your family the whole schebang. Your phone is completely unusable, and you need a new one now because that job you applied for said they would email you with the consents required to do reference checks and whatnot. They’re also going to call you for a phone interview. All the details for the hiring manager are saved to your icloud and you can’t get in touch with them without access to that.

You go to your local mobile phone store to buy a new phone on deferred payments (depending on your provider, this might involve a contract with a free or heavily subsidised phone instead). They credit check you and it’s declined because of your low credit score.

You’re forced to buy the only phone you can afford at the time, because you have fifty bucks in your account and no credit card for emergencies. It’s a barely functional android that you’re completely unfamiliar with and find it difficult to navigate. You also don’t know how to transfer your icloud contacts onto the android system. You can’t use it for everything like your old phone, and the website you need to access to complete the required information for the job doesn’t work on it. You miss out on the job because of it.

Now this sounds really specific right? It’s specific because I used to be the person who told you the application for finance was declined. Many of them were young people who would laugh and say ‘oh yeah I never paid the power bill from that last flat it’s probably gone to a debt collector’. I shit you not they thought it was funny, and that it was our fault for not approving the application. Generally I would try and help the person out as much as possible, and advise them on how to use the library etc for internet, but many of them would just storm out in a rage before I could offer any other options.

It wasn’t always young people though, many were middle aged and had just never really been good at managing their money. Heck, I’m bad at managing my money! I quit my job and my share of the bills are paid by my student loan, but my number one priority is still paying all my obligations on time.

Home loans. Rent. Insurance. Power. Internet. Mobile Phone.  Pay all of these on time and in full if you can, and if you can’t call the provider and ask for a formal extension. It will still show as a missed payment on your report, however it’s always a good idea to let them know you’re going to be late so you don’t get cut off, particularly if you’re three months negligent or a new customer who has missed their first bill payment.

Now on to credit cards.

Most credit cards have an interest free period for purchases only. This means you can’t transfer like, a grand from your credit card balance into your savings, or withdraw cash as these types of transactions incur interest immediately (and usually are subject to a withdrawal fee which is usually only like a dollar but still... it exists). If you pay your credit card bill by the end of that interest free period printed on your statement, you do not pay any interest. You will still, however, generally be eligible for any rewards plan your credit card has.

Here’s my personal example

I set it up so all my bills are direct debited from my credit card, and I put all purchases on it every month. At the end of a month, let’s say I have $2k owing. I get my statement on the 9th of the month and it says that I have until the 6th of the month following to pay the $2k or I will be charged interest.

I also get rewards points for my purchases, which equal one point per $15 spent. This means I get 134 points for this period, which I can use to do various things such as buy travel, supermarket gift cards,and various other items (The 134 points equates to around $25 in supermarket vouchers, for context and full disclosure I do have a platinum card which gets more points). I still get these points even if I pay the bill on time.

My six monthly fee for this card is $15 + $5 for the additional card my husband has. As long as I pay my balance every month (which I do because I never use my chequeing account for anything apart from paying my housing costs), then I never pay any interest, and end up gaining more from the rewards points than the annual account fee

This is a great way to work the system and make money out of something that generally prays on people’s ignorance or financial instability, but it only works if you’re disciplined.

It really saddens me that this kind of information isn’t being taught in schools, because it’s an absolutely pivotal life skill that shouldn’t be being learned on social media.