#and sometimes its horrible and sucks but thats still life

[wayward-wren]

Maybe this is me being bitter because of 10+ moves in my childhood but I'm always a bit disappointed and see it as a cop-out when children's shows tease the main family moving and then don't follow through

[moongothic]

i would love trans crocodile but im very cynical that oda would write him in a respectful manner. thats not even thinking of how horrible that one portion of the one piece fandom would treat him

Yeah the fandom sucks and I'm going to strangle everyone (including the cishets who claim to be trans allies and then use "Crocomom")

But with Oda it's weird because like. The more I think about it, the more I'm like... 50/50 about Oda being able to actually deliver good, respectful trans masc rep.

Like I've posted about this before but One Piece does have this on-going theme of having characters "stuck in wrong bodies" or "having one's body changed" (sometimes reversably, sometimes irreversably; sometimes against their will, sometimes consentually). Which, in theory, in my mind, does kind of signal that on some level Oda understands the idea of being "the wrong sex" (whether or not that's a good way to explain The Trans Experience™ is a whole different subject but it's an old fashioned explanation that Oda would probably be/is familiar with) But at the same time, while the concept pops up again and again in One Piece, Oda doesn't really dwell too deep into the idea of what that's like. Like, emotionally. How it feels like to like, get turned into a toy or be a child who gets aged 20 years or to get turned into a cyborg or a giant child or have parts of your body permanently turned into animal parts (sometimes with a will of their own) etc

And like. Part of me understands why, Oda does tend to want to focus on writing a story he thinks teenaged boys would be interested in reading, and he has often stated he wants to have fun with his story too (like that's partially why Luffy's a Rubber Man, because Oda thought giving Luffy a ridiculous ability would make him more fun to write and draw long-term, which is valid as hell) This is why for example Oda has avoided doing any romances in OP, and while there are dark themes in the story, often he has done his best to avoid making them too blatant, as some things would be too mature for his youngest readers (like, for example until Kuma's backstory, it was never explicitly stated what would happen to the slave wives of the Tenryuubito, even saying it was "implied" would be pushing how that subject had been treated until now)

So like. Because of that, I understand why Oda hasn't dwelled into The Feelings™ part much/at all despite the "stuck in the wrong body" narrative appearing time and time again

Either Oda thinks it'd be too boring either for himself or his readers, or he hasn't dwelled into it because he doesn't really understand gender dysphoria and can't relate to the experience (despite how often it shows its face in OP). Or it could be both, even

The thing is though, as OP has gone on, while I wouldn't say Oda has "broken his writing rules", Kuma's backstory alone has pushed them to a new limit with the love-that-never-was story and the all-but-explicitly-stated storytelling.

So a part of me wonders, if Crocodile is trans, could Oda actually like... take a slightly deeper look into his feelings and explore his queer experience? ('Cause god knows, if Crocodad Real, then there really would be a literal coming out-story built into his backstory that would be extremely unavoidable, and as I've mentioned before, the fact that we haven't gotten to learn almost anything about his backstory yet is Kinda Fucking Sus)

Also I do want to mention how... like Oda gets a lot of bad rap when it comes to queer rep in One Piece, but the more I think about it, I think it's more an issue with the terminology and how translators have gone about either localizing it, or more often than not, leaving it unlocalized 'Cause like. Yes the "okama" would be horrible trans rep but... really... they're not trans representation. They're representation for draq queens. Piss poor draq rep, but still, they're draq queens. And just like our very real life drag performers; some of them are cishets. Some of them are gender non-conforming gay men. Some of them are nonbinary*. Some of them are trans women. Obviously lumping all of these people into one group is kinda offensive (which is why "okama" is (as far as I understand it) such an unpopular term even amongst queer people in Japan), and the way Oda often chooses to draw these characters looks no different to how gender criticals choose to present trans women in their propaganda.

*Like Bon-chan, who explicitly states they are both male and female. And Iva-chan, who switches between boy-mode and girl-mode from time to time, could arguably be called genderfluid (though any specific terminology is up to debate). Both are nonbinary draq queens.

And yet, despite all that. It can not be understated how if you put aside the nameless background gag-characters, Oda does treat the actual, proper queer characters with respect. Everyone would agree that Bon-chan is an absolute hero, we would all die for them. Iva-chan (and Inazuma too) is explicitly presented in a heroic light, seen as someone who helps people and fights for justice (with the Revs)

And then there's the first binary trans characters we've actually gotten, Okiku and Yamato. And I'm pretty sure we would all agree Okiku is 10/10 perfect trans fem representation (I am not entirely serious, I'm not trans fem so I can't speak for trans women here, it's just that I can't see anything Horrendously Wrong with how Okiku is presented within the story- not actually perfect but all things considdered, damn good). She is stunning, people around her (INCLUDING SANJI!!) don't just view her as a woman but would go out of their way to date her (as in, she is seen as "desirable", and not as some kind of a disgusting freak to avoid), she is heroic and sweet and kind and just. IDK I love her And while I'm sure many trans mascs would agree Yamato may not be how they want to be seen by the world (though having Yamato ID as a man while having the biggest moobs is surely validating for a lot of people, including anybody who might not want or be able to get top surgery and/or HRT), again, he is only presented as heroic within the narrative and respected by the characters around him, Luffy especially, which is by far the most important part; the protagonist going out of his way to be respectful of trans characters does represent the values of the story.

And like.

Think about how Oda has treated Crocodile so far.

Like, although we're all having a bit of a laugh over the whole Cross Guild thing, Oda is still treating him as a cool character whom he presents seriously and treats with respect. Like Oda wants the readers to see Crocodile as at least a little bit cool. So I can't imagine him pulling a full 180 with how Croc would be treated in the story if he was revealed to be trans, especially when the potential foreshadowing for that was laid out in the story years ago already.

All this to say; Oda is not perfect at all, but considdering the things he has gotten right so far, I think there is hope he could pull it off. Because Oda is for Queer Liberation.

Really, my only concerns would be whether or not there's a risk Crocodile could get somehow detrans'd during the story (I'm praying the Haki theory isn't an option, really Doc Q might be the only true risk here), if he's stealth and that got presented as "a wrong thing to do" (which I'd hope not, like our previous queer characters have been okay with being openly queer but that may have been more for the readers than anything else. At least, I hope, god knows if Crocodile is and wants to be stealth trans then that's his right and he shouldn't have to out if he doesn't want to, and yeah, I don't want him to be demonized within the narrative for being stealth (if he's stealth, for all we know he could be out)) and like, most importantly, what'd end up being Crocodile's "motivation" for transitioning in the first place

Like. God. I just. I don't want there to be a twist where Crocodile transitioned because "being a woman was weak" or because he "wanted to be acknowledged by Whitebeard" ('cause WB doesn't take women into his crew) or "the scar in his face made him so ugly he decided he should be a man instead" (seen unironic Redditors suggest that. Almost lost my mind) or something

Like I hope someone's at least tried to explain gender dysphoria to Oda. Like the man does have actual queer friends in real life (some of whom inspired characters in OP), so I'm hoping at least someone's tried to explain the feelings that come with The Trans Experience™ to him so that, if Crocodile's trans, then Oda can actually try to base his reasoning to transition on those feelings instead of any stupid "reasons" that no actual queer person would relate to

But it all just boils down to... Is Oda willing to actually dwell into those feelings and explore them in the story.

It... it really could go either way with Oda

So yeah. Anon, I'm with you, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was at least A Little Worried. But also... I want to be hopeful. Because I do believe there is reason to be hopeful.

Only time will tell how it'll go

[tonyperryforreal]

Uh hey what’s up you guys, It’s bryan! I am the most hated person in the internet. Okay it’s nice to meet you! Um this is uh this has been something else i gotta tell you. Um i i don’t even know what to say. It’s, Ive filmed a bunch of these videos and sometimes im angry sometimes im crying sometimes im trying to explain everything its i dont even know what to say. But um, you know when your friends and when your fans and when everyone is saying that you’ve fucked up and you made a lot of mistakes you know you can’t just assume that all of them are wrong and that you’re in the right. Um i don’t think everything that’s been said about me is true cause there’s been so many things said at this point and you know i think to a certain extent it’s a little bit of jumping onto the bandwagon, but at the same time my whole life i’ve struggled to take accountability for things you know. Ive just been really bad at it and obviously ive learned a lot of other things that im really bad at over the past few days. And at this point i have to take responsibility for everything that ive done. Because i guess there’s a lot of things and um, you know i can’t really make a video here and say all the things the people have accused me of and say you know im sorry for this and im sorry for that but i guess all i can say is.. im sorry. you know i let a lot of people down i let you guys down and it sucks, because the person that you guys have heard in those videos and those tweets.. thats not me. Um i mean it is me, but i know im not that person. I can be better than that. You know i love you guys and you know those people are my friends even though apparently i’ve done some really horrible things and i don’t want that to be my legacy i don’t want that to be how im remembered you know. But i messed up! I really did I fucked up. And i’m genuinely sorry about that and to Alex and Johnnie and Jordan and Kyle and Damon and Drake and all these people that you know i guess not i guess that i know that i handled things poorly im sorry i really am and i know i can’t change everything at this point but you know at the very least i can say that im gonna do better for you guys and for me because again i don’t want this to be how im remembered. You know because i don’t know i know you guys have seen all these, EUGUGHFH excuse me! Gonna talk i’m trying to talk here! But um you guys know me to an extent and you guys know that i care about people you know that i’ve done a lot of nice things for people, I know that johnnie said in his video that he doesn’t see any good in me but he knows that’s not true. You know i’ve done some things that i wish i could change but, He knows i care about him and damon you know even tho things are bad right now he knows that ive still been a friend to him and ive encouraged him when he’s struggling you know its just i could make a i could go through the list but um, Im not just a bad person you know there’s good in me too and i guess i’ll just have to prove that so. Anyway i just wanted to say that im gonna do better and i know that a lot of people probably won’t give me another chance but you know all i can say is that im gonna try. and again im sorry so um.. im gonna do my best. that’s all i can say so love you guys and um im gonna probably take a break from the internet for a little bit but ill see you guys soon.

[with-your-whole-heart3]

an open letter to my 13 year old self:

hi! things are pretty different now.

you still listen to the same music though, youre just not pretentious about it. and you also listen to different genres (just wait until you hear chappell roan or olivia rodrigo, youd be shocked that i proudly listen). you dont feel the need to be different or better then everyone else all the time, which i know sounds horrible for you but trust me, its a huge weight off your shoulders. youre still your own person, but you do your hair like other girls, your makeup like other girls, and you dress like other girls and thats okay! girlhood is meant to be shared and celebrated, its sad that it took you years to realize that.

you do actually like boys btw...like a lot. embarrassingly so. (dont worry youre still into girls too!) but holy shit, youre gonna have your heart broken a few times and nothing can prepare you for it. and yeah, youre gonna flirt with drunk guys and dance with strangers and laugh at shitty jokes and youre gonna have a great time.

please text Tr back. every single time, as soon as you can. call him every time youre free, tell him you love him even more often then you already do. him not being there anymore is going to make you feel like you got shot in the heart. youre going to cry on the floor, and in the school bathroom, and in math class. you still cry thinking about him sometimes. but it will get easier, i promise.

and i love and cherish you more then you will ever know, in your whole life. it seems like everything sucks sometimes but it doesnt, there are always friends to see, books to read, albums to listen to, flowers to pick.

[starlightshore]

explain Danny phantom to someone who’s never seen it before?

uhhhhh so i can only talk about it as the most insane kinda fandom person because

i was obsessed with this show when it first aired when I was 8 years old. it was my first fandom. i read fanfic for it before i even knew what fanfic was. its HEAVILY tied to my nostalgia and I've been engaging with the fandom on/off for literally 19 years. at this point DP is in my DNA.

while it's not my main hyperfixation (thats undertale) its the one tag i visit regularly and the one fandom I'll jump to every few months and binge fics for. i don't even read UT fics anymore but the DP fandom is always doing something. its very active!

under the cut I talk about my thoughts on the show, the fandom and explain the premise. It's a wild ride.

TLDR; i have a lot of THOUGHTS on this show and i do not actually recommend it. MAYBE if you're curious explore the fandom and some fics but be careful about it, it's a bit gratuitous with its angst.

If you want a basic premise: local 14 year old accidentally lets loose hell but also has become part ghost. This kid can fit SO much trauma in him.

first off: I fucking love Danny Phantom.

And I'm going to spend the next two segments complaining about it. Feel free to skip if you're already aware of this /or don't wanna linger on it.

Second off: This show fucking sucks*

* Ok fine yes sometimes it can be good, but it will always have an asterisk next to it.

it has NOT aged well. it was created by an asshole who's got a long shitlist of things he's done and still does that's all terrible. i am not one to hate someone publicly unless its for something like this. Feel free to google what Bitch Fartman has done if you're curious but I'll warn you: he is a horrible person and he disgusts me. I only acknowlege him when its to mention how awful he is and how I do not want to support him.

This is not like with FNAF where supporting that franchise supports Scott. Danny Phantom first aired 19 years ago. The show was written, directed, and sure as hell animated by a team of professionals. It is not his sole creation. Studio Animation is not the sole work of an individual. I respect (most) animators and the hard work they've done and do. IIRC Shitfartman doesn't even have the rights to the IP anymore. I assume he gets residuals though. That said the only canonical piece of media we've gotten is a graphic novel that was released last month. Up until then, supporting DP was just not literally a thing you could do!

Its not just the creator who sucks. There's a lot of BS in the show too.

the show is very early 2000s (and even then thats no excuse) and it has a bingo card worth of shit in it. racism, bigotry, ableism! you name it. I do not condone and i do NOT recommend this show because of this! its horrible with what they did with this show and its shocking it was acceptable enough to put on TV. you literally can't do shit like that anymore.

I'm not going to go list every detail of every horrible, fucked up thing the show has done. The list is too long and I haven't watched the actual show in a few years now. by god, I know there is a list out there though.

Anyway outside of my obligatory "fuck this show actually" rant aside

i do love this show because it DOES have a lot of good and cool stuff outside that. but also. its so much wasted potential.

the core premise is:

Hey what if a pair of paranormal obsessed mad scientist parents punched a hole into the after life hell dimension- and what if their son was basically spiderman-ed about it?

And here's the core part of the premise: Danny only keeps his identity a secret to the humans. Ghosts learn like, pretty much straight away that he's a Halfa (half human, half ghost). He's if spiderman's worst fear wasn't the villains but if like. Aunt May was going to rip him apart.

Oh yeah that's. a thing. Danny's parents literally want to rip his ghost identity apart from, and I quote, "molecule to molecule."

For a an comedy-action show its WEIRDLY morbid and dark at times but then has the tonal whiplash to make you question what the fuck did they just do. How'd they do that and then not care they just wrote that in. Seriously. It'll just lore drop or hint to dark things and then brush it aside because it's main focus is comedy.

Anyway back to explaing what the show even is about. the show likes to say Danny got his DNA merged with ectoplasm but that's stupid af i'd rather say he died but only stayed half dead. He can transform between the two states: living and dead. But he's not just two halves that make a whole -the two sides blend together. He can use his ghost powers as a human -and early on he couldn't control them so he'd just. go intangible or invisible at the worst moments.

The show just. jumps right in. You don't get to see the accident outside the intro (at least until season 2 when they retcon some stuff) you just have it thrown into your lap. He has powers now. He sucks at it. Deal with it.

I think it's important to acknowledge that this show was written before Netflix did streaming. Before Plot heavy cartoons were a thing. (Not to say they didn't have reoccuring plot, it justw asn't the same thing as it is now.) You had to write the show with the limits of:

Comedy being a major focus

You have to write it with the expectation that anyone could jump in and (reasonably) understand most things going on. While there's some continuity and plot progression, the status quo is god.

because streaming wasn't a thing yet, you could only watch the show by jumping into whatever the fuck episode was playing. I doubt it played in order all the time. You just couldn't make a cartoon that had weeks upon weeks of plot developments and expect people to keep up.

The show is, in fact, meant for kids. While it does dive into some darker stuff (being ya know, a ghost show) its still going to be overly silly.

So while YEAH i'll complain about the very very shitty things the show did but I can't soley blame Fuckhateshitman for all of it. It's the restrictions it was made under + likely a lot more circumstances I don't understand. I am a hobbiest animator. I have no real world experience in the animation industry. I can critique the final product but I can never understand what shaped the cartoon. If shitheadmcgee wasn't involved and the studio gave the show more room + had you know, more POC and women on team + animation (even for kids) was respected more then who KNOWS what the show could of been! But like. its a 2000s show. It is what it is. I think the show has its good and bad and i'll harp a lot on the bad rn because I think its important to acknowledge especially to new people, but I do want to frame it by saying it really is the product of its time.

I want it to be better and I hope if it gets rebooted its better. We expect a lot more from cartoons now then we did then. (I know this was a long tangent + kinda over simplifying things but whatever, moving on.)

The (Ph)Fandom

19 years later and here we are. Enter the Phandom (called that before that phill and whoever used the term, idc i'm still going to use the term.) We, the fandom, almost completely just retconned the show's finale. (obviously SOME people still like it but its like. an incredibly small percentage) Like. we straight up pretend it didn't happen. i don't even want to get into it rn. It was SO BAD that the graphic novel that just released literally (spoilers) retconned everything about it aside from a ship pairing.

Anyway the Phandom- personally I think it goes a little TOO harsh in its angst. LIke, maybe a bit too much. But it DOES add nuance and explores the themes and lore that the show just flat out refused to engage with at all. It really digs into the premise of "hey wtf this 14 year is half dead. hello? hello??? thats fucked up.... lets explore that." and i'm here for it.

As long as its not like, masochistic and gratuitous for no real reason. 😬That is my biggest complaint with the fandom is that sometimes it goes over board.

But yeah outside of that, it can also be VERY silly so expect tonal whiplash here too! We got memes. We got fandom holidays and events. Whacky stuff.

OH AND OCs. We have fandom OCs like Wes. The best nonexistant character ever. Love that lil weirdo <3. His whole schtick was "What if Danny had another human villain? What if this random background classmate knew his secret and was trying to expose it?" and its spiraled from there. No one ever believes Wes and he's tortured by it. Some make him out to be a conspiracy nut while others make him more of a threat. (or a joke, as I do) Considering this show has a ghost-version of the Men in Black (Guys in White) conspiracy actually lines up accurately for what Wes does. And, you know. The Fenton's have a portal to the afterlife in their basement. Honestly pretty reasonable.

so like the fandom just kinda... picks and chooses the canon. It does have an edge of "we can do better" but in fairness, as I just discussed, there's an awareness that the version we make is not restricted by the environment the show was made under. I would hope most of the fandom understands this and doesn't say it in the sense of like "oh yeah I know better than professional writers and artists fuck the show 1000%" instead of acknowledging Yes He Fucking Sucks but its also more complicated. I don't want to foster an environment of superiority and disrespect to any media/creators (with exceptions ofc) cause. Jesus christ we live on the internet in 2023 you have to know why I feel this way by now.

Anyway with that in mind, I do think it's a positive thing! I mean, fuck, the show had no new content for almost 20 years I think its obvious by now we'd just make our own doll house out of it by now.

So yeah the Phandom is like this:

We're oddly consistent with the phandom lore we've built around from the canon's lore. We expand it, we make it more queer, we do our own thing. And I really enjoy it! I partake in it! It's pretty cool.

So while there's some merit to the OG show I would not recommend it on account of the amount of BS I mentioned at the start of the post. But I would recommend the fandom! As long as you got a strong black list with trigger warnings in place. Again, I think the fandom is a lil too gratuitous. But oh my god I love so much of what the fandom does. There's so many fics that just stick with me and (ha) haunt me. There's a reason I still come back after all these years. there are SO many good fics.

also the fandom got adopted by the DC fandom a year or two ago. personally i have to have like 80 tags blocked so i can even navigate the tag. Its not my thing but i'm happy people are having fun!!

[schizopositivity]

Hey so like

The only times I've ever really heard people talk about schizophrenia being hard is how others are affected by it, how it's "creepy/bad/evil/scary", etc

Can you talk about the stuff that's been really difficult for you in your personal experience without it just being through the lens of how it affects others?

Thank you :)

this is gonna be a long one cause schizophrenia is very complex so im gonna break it down by symptoms and how it affects me

TW: demon, self harm, suicide attempts, csa/sa mention, death mention, delusions

•hallucinations: these were at their worst when i wasnt on antipsychotics when i was a teenager, would see little monsters running around that made me really afraid and question reality. but what i most commonly saw/felt/heard wad this demon thing that was sorta representive of a grim reaper. it would tell me that self harming would help me and i listened. it made me really scared and sad all the time. this went on for about a year and i didnt tell anyone. it had a grip on my shoulders and followed me around all the time. i cant stress enough how scared it made me. sometimes it would get loud and id panic and black out, and then get "woken up" by my mom shed find me hiding and shaking under a table. it told me i had to end my own life and i attempted twice, one of the times required hospitalization and after a psych ward (which finally got me on the antipsychotics i needed). since then the hallucinations have calmed down and i dont see the demon anymore but i do hear similar things, now i just try my best to ignore it. its more annoying than scary. like feeling a poke on my shoulder at work and having to not react cause the stigma of showing symptoms. or like seeing scary faces in everyday things and just being like "huh weird" or hearing very mean or threatening things and thinking "thats obviously not actually what im thinking, id never do something like that", hallucinations still suprise me all the time especially the first few seconds of it, but now i have the experience where i can ignore it after that

•delusions: the biggest delusion i have that i still have to this day is very much influenced by my trauma of being the victim of csa and sa literally too many times to count, i truly believe that i was made to be abused and it will happen for the rest of my life, no matter what people tell me i always will not fully trust people and think they will abuse me at any moment, when people look at me i think they are planning how to abuse me, this is such a deeply held belief and it causes me anxiety and triggers my cptsd. it makes me feel very exposed and inhuman like a piece of meat it sucks. some other delusions ive had are that im the reincarnation of kurt cobain and that im gonna be rich and famous with no plans on how to make that happen. these felt good when i was in them and horrible when i snapped out of it. i kinda miss them.

•avolition: i struggle with this a lot. i have to be told to do tasks otherwise i dont do them. i never know when or how to do daily tasks. even if i can recognize that something has to be done i have no clue what steps to take to complete that task. like when i was the only one running the nursery at a spiritual center and id see kids crying id think "someone should do something about that" even though its me that has to do something. i struggle to maintain personal hygeine, do house chores or take care of my cats. if im not directly told to do it ill just let it fester. i do well at my job because im always told exactly what to do and how to do it. this symptom makes me feel lazy, childish and stupid. because of this i dont think ill ever be able to live on my own. i am dependent on other people to show or tell me what to do to take care of myself, my house and my cats.

•flat affect: this symptom makes me feel broken. like when my favorite grandpa died and i couldnt cry. it made me question my love for him. im constantly questioning my own feelings (even though im feeling them) just because my face and voice dont match what im feeling. ive fully thought that im unfeeling or unhuman because of this. i also get accused of lying a lot because of my flat affect. and i hate being accused of lying cause when i defend myself they dont believe me and there no winning.

•anhedonia: this really sucks. i used to really love doing art and playing guitar and now it feels like a chore. this is loss of pleasure in things that used to make you happy. it just makes me sad and feel like theres nothing i can do to change it. this makes me feel hopeless and useless.

•memory loss: i forgot most of what happened this year like valentines day with my partner (my first valentines day with a partner), my birthday, my partners birthday, my friends birthdays, i forgot them all and i feel like a terrible person because of it. this makes me feel dumb and careless. but i do care so much but i just cant remember so much important events. this also shows itself in smaller ways, forgetting what ive said to people, forgetting what ive bought, forgetting the last sentance ive read in a book so often that it makes reading nearly impossible.

•prosopagnosia: i cant recognize faces and mix them up often. this shows itself most with celebreties i constantly mix them up or think two different people are one person. i also dont always recognize my own face and i feel like a stranger to myself.

•consintration issues: i have a lot of trouble consintrating on things unless they are intresting to me, which because of anhedonia is not much. its hard for me to hold conversations with people and stay in focus. i feel like a terrible person when im not able to focus or remember what people have said.

•thinking issues: i have trouble thinking clearly a lot. its either i have too many thoughts at the same time, or my thoughts feel slow or empty. this makes me feel stupid.

•speach issues: i have trouble talking a lot of time. ill think im responding but im silent. it makes me feel mean and careless. when i do talk its usually short sentances. i very rarley actually talk a lot even to people im close to.

•fatigue/impaired motor function: i need so much rest in between activities just to function. i feel lazy a lot of the time. i also sometimes have trouble with normal motor function like sometimes when im walking it turns shaky and uncoordinated.

•amnesia: this showed itself most before i was on antiosychotics, when id black out often and find myself hiding under something. now it doesnt show up as much. this makes me feel confused and unaware of what i was doing or how i was acting when i was blacked out.

•isolation/social withdrawl: this showed itself more before i was on antipsychotics. i believed that everyone i knew was plotting against me and i had to be alone to stay safe. i now know thats not true but i still struggle to keep in touch with friends and family. most of the time ill see a text and completely forget to reply and people think im ignoring them. this once again makes me feel careless and mean. i really do care about the people in my life but i just have trouble staying connected.

theres probably more that i forgot but this is what comes off the top of my head. most of the struggles of schizophrenia affect me and not other people.

[lizthinspo]

i keep thinking to myself just make it to the end of the year and then ur free to do whatever you please but until then we are crying and screaming my lungs out. isn’t it so funny how the only way i can feel ok is through being myself and driving around, bc that’s how i clear my head probably bc i wish there could be a reckless driver in my path that can pls kill me so i don’t ever have to go back home. i can’t go home. it’s like im not even wanted there, i know when im not wanted somewhere. it’s summer, MY summer, im supposed to be living, instead im crying thinking about ending my life, i feel like im losing control. the things that i used to make myself feel ok are being taken away from me daily. i feel like im going insane bc everything i do is somehow wrong or not what was needed of me and it hurts so much bc how else am i supposed to be alive and happy and ok if im not loved by myself and i hate myself inside and outside i feel like im not good enough for anybody, i feel like im the one person ppl always forget abt like when we’re in a public setting and with a bunch of ppl, i feel like im always the one to have been forgotten or left out. its a horrible feeling honestly bc I WAS THERE. i feel like i don’t deserve anything and i really don’t. but since ik these are my last few memories i want to make the most of them but im also scared of my mom and what she’ll say of me when im happy. and yes i smoke and drink and cvt but honestly i love smoking bc it takes away all of my pain and im left feeling nothing, ik it seems crazy but it makes me feel like im going to make it out alive and ok even for a split second but thats why im always smoking. bc you most def don’t help me feeling ok, you’re the reason why i never feel safe nor ok nor alive nor happy. i enjoy drinking bc im not gonna make it to 21 so im just getting to still experience it and also it makes me feel happy and danceful and full of joy but you always seem to take it away from me always and it truly sucks so much because sometimes i do really want to be happy w you bc you’re my mom. and i wanna be good for you but no matter what i do you can never truly appreciate anything i do. that’s why ive given up, bc you’re never gonna open ur eyes and actually see how much im trying. this summer i had so much planned! i was so hyped and excited abt it, you should’ve heard me all of senior year, talking abt how happy i was gonna be bc im free from school and im finally gonna be able to be me. idk what else you want from me, i wanna go out and have sleepovers and have friends and be out w them for hours on end and stay out late. you say i can’t go out bc im drinking but maybe if i went out more often without ur fucking mf bitch phone call on my ass every single minute. i wouldn’t be out drinking and smoking everyday as you probably think i do now bc i could actually experience happiness. and ykw my #1 rule is to never cvt myself for anyone else’s problems but i truly think that this one deserves one bc i think if she takes my car im actually gonna lost and idk what to do. i keep saying and telling myself to keep pushing for jared and jensen and misha but i don’t think i can bc im so tired and over everything i don’t wanna live anymore. i wanna slit my wrists or hang myself to my death bc i cannot bear the thought of you saying that you’re disappointed in me bc that shattered my heart and to just continue to tell me these awful things that i wish i could respond with just fucking kill me already FUCKING KILL ME! i’m sure that’s what she wanted to do either way. she says she’ll be here for whenever you need me but i don’t need you i’m fine without you in fact i’m better off without you. ik that my intentions are good for others not for myself bc everything i’ve heard come from your mouth i believe by the amount of times that you’ve told me the same things so much so that i start to believe it myself and that translates over to me hating myself constantly and not being able to experience having real friends and have a relationship and to just experience any from of love

[lightbulb-warning]

[MAJORLY uncoherent anecdotal storytine:]

entertainment value: mild

cw: blood exams (not described in detail), vague mentions to struggles that aren't elaborated on, tmi personal rambling written by someone who is loopy from blood loss aka bad grammar/syntax/morphology/yeah also this got long whoops

im feeling mega loopy cuz blood exam (dundnt faint!! how outstanding of me. iamcurrently instanding. batumtssk!!i lie down now.)

but AT the blood exam a newer nurse stopped by and my usual nurse was like "PIVELLA meet [redacted <- (me. im redacted.)] this kid is a STAPLE in this department bla bla" and wow mom look im famius!! it only took me getting my blood displaced and stared at medically and faintinf a lot very often hshahahaah

the usual nurse is so NICE she's been doing my blood check traslocations since ive been like 15 i think maybe earlier?? idk idk i love her she's so nice and a kickass lady and she bullies all her coworkers and also me a lot!!! bully as in teasing she's nice yeah anyway yeah

me having to get my blood checked often is really inconvenient and kinda sucks!!! because i get koed and fuck if i can do anything for the next 24hs blegh but but BUT this lady has seen my grow up and seenbthe fuck up my life became and is seeing me pick up the peices abd whenever she sees me in the waiting room she shouts "its YOU" very dramatically and the staff has inside jokes about me and my dumv unoptimezed blood stats and thats REALLY NICE SOBS

like i dont wanna make a fable moral out of it like live love kaugh kindess uwu because realistacally, when i was fucked up previously (in the way that was bad compared to how i am fucked up now. funny joke. laugh.) i didn't gove two shits about people being nice to me because i was a massive hater and hated myself most (loser behavior!!!! the world hates you already love yourself out of SPITE!!!!!!!!!!) so people going out of their way to make a horrible situation slightly less horrible for me COMPLETELY went over my head "broom broom autopilot kill crush destroy ourselves!!!" (<- that's what my head looked like.ew there's no whimsy and silly in there, gross!! jk baby me gets the reatroactive love myself treatment bc noone els ecan do that for me!! what was i saying) and yeah i wasn't neurobiologically capable of giving two shits about anything, especially some random nurse going out of her way to crack jokes but idk i appreciated now!!! and she realizes i appreciate it now!!! and it's nothing big or grandiose i guess the world is still turning and nothing in the essential state of things changes bc i did a navelgazey testimony of WOW SOMETIMES THINGS CAN BE OKAY OCASSIONALLY HOLY SHIT?? but also!!! if i don't do it!!!!!!! who will!!???????

aesop would prolly write about foxes and grapes and terracotta pottery and crows and things being okay with time, but ME, a certified "just some guy", is gonna ramble about " it's gonna be okay" semantics because its!! been!! bullshit!! BUT THAT'S OKAY!!!!

shit got SO MUCH worse than what i could've imagined in my catastrophation!!!!!! id wasted my life preparing and planning for all the plans Ds and Gs and Js and Zs because my situation was FUCKED and i didn't have power to fix it, and too bad!!! SHIT HAPPENS AND IT SUCKS!!! time isn't gonna fix SHIT!!!!!! time is just a tracker of when!!! time does no good time does no harm!!!! what time did give my stupid fucking idiot idiot lovely self was time to change!!! not in just "omg change your perspective ✨" (which can be really really really important!! but you shouldn't take anyone's shit just because you see their perspective!!!! no you don't deserve to be treated like shit!!!!!! they don't deserve to get away with treating anyone like shit!!!!! what makes you so special that the world's evil needs to converge upon you?? you're just some guy!! they're just some guy!!! you be nice to you!!)

time is just there!! what does get okay with time is being!!! your enemy is no longer gonna cause you stress once you outlive them!!! you can be better than your yesterday self at any time!!! life goes on if you fuck up everything and you CAN do whatever you want with the peices!!! FAIL!!! FEAR!!! if we're scared we do it scared!!! it's not gonna be okay because its gonna be perfect, it's gonna be okay because it CAN be different!!

im still not """""fixed""""" , im still screwing things up and i still don't really understand what exactly is """""wrong""""" with me and that's okay for now, and hey!! i am capable of having a nice interaction with someone!!!! that's progress.

massive tangent lmao

local tumblr user gets some blood consensually stolen, has a positive interaction with someone, goes home and starts preaching at [unidentified recipient] jesus fucking christ maiora go to sleep this isn't the time for monologues

tl;dr: someone was nice to me just to be nice and im happy because i wouldn't have been able to appreciate it previously and it's nice to see people being nice for the sake of it

im nap now buh bye thanks for reading have a night or day!!!! be nice to you i can't do that for you!!! /lh

<3

[basilverse-archive]

Tired (Vent/Rant post about online parenting)

The world sucks, my personal life sucks, the omori fandom sure as hell sucks sometimes. One of my therapy points is to move on and I have from a lot but I cant seem to move on from recent events. My therapist said its because no legal action was taken but theres nothing we can do besides report. Plus, I have other people still supporting the abusers and there's nothing else I can do besides wait for them to screw someone else over. Its now caused relapsing because they still are getting recognition despite all of our efforts to provide as much evidence as possible. I both don't get it- but also suspect that due to being blocked by a lot of people that were not toxic due to a fuck up I made before that it just hasnt been seen. Theres still dangerous people getting recognition, and theres nothing more I can do about it than sit in pain as they continue to manipulate others.

I really hate when people get away with murder- or when people support them through murder. Like you saw them get in trouble for having blood on their hands and you still repost them? Like... Are you a proshipper yourself or are you just ignorant- Idk what to think about you. Idk if Im safe, or if the people I know are safe for still being in contact. Ive always just tried my best to give all I can to my friends- especially safety- so when it doesnt work I just feel like... Like im running out of ways to protect the people I care about. Especially when it comes to younger people, I feel horrible when they have to suffer through the internet. Theyre just kids. They shouldnt have to go through emotional abuse and oppression from adults. They shouldnt have had to go through the stuff I did. Ive gone through so much on the internet that all I want to do is protect them from that stuff- but when I fail or if its not enough Its like... my experiences, my feelings, my trauma, my knowledge- its all useless because I cant keep the people I care about safe. I know this is just part of the struggle of being a parental figure, but damn... this wouldnt have had to happen if I had help- or at the very least not this bad.

Ive always been alone when it comes to helping other people, but now that its in a situation thats dangerous and Im alone- it isn't enough. Im scared for them, and I feel guilty that I couldnt do more myself. I really need a vacation. Just- somewhere safe where I can take my mind off of things- rant and feel the kind of soft comfort I need when I need it. Ive always wanted to be a parent, but I never wanted to be alone. I love watching my kids grow up and experience joys and successes- I love seeing them prevail through hardships- I love seeing them grow. For what its worth, I love my children. I love being there for them and comforting them when they need me. I love providing them with things I didn't have, but its still not enough. I'm running out of things to give them. I'm running out of options to help them. Im exhausted from working so hard to keep them safe and happy, but theres nothing more I can do for them right now than to just- sit with them and provide comfort with presence. I have so much to say but I can barely speak. My emotions are overwhelming and swirling. I feel sad and grateful for them, but I'm running out of energy.

I'm slowly killing myself from the inside out trying to make sure they live because I'm alone in my efforts currently.

[theendofuno]

okay….haii tl;dr: i want to throw myself from a reactor nuclear and besides loving this page dearly keeping it daily isnt helping me with these kinda of thought so ill start a god-knows-who-long hiatus

now *puts a music box version of meltdown by iroha for dramatic purposes* *cleans throat* pretending im talking to an audience its easier for me okay dont judge me :(

i dont know how to write texts but ill try my best to explain everything without going into too much annoying stuff but the text may have a few suicide mentions here and there

okay

i created this page in a very dark period of my life that never went away, it actually worsened everyday. it was supposed just to be fun and games, "oh this character didnt got released this month, maybe drawing him everyday for a month until he gets here will be very funny!!!" *stares at 2 years*

as you can see, i didnt had ANY prepare to keep going for the long we did, but this is 100% not a complain

i really love this page, i really do love everyone i've met, i love having this project with my best friend, but i cant and wont lie: it made me VERY worse than i already was. it made me feel good, it made me feel loved, it made me feel human again, and at the same time it absolutely killed me

having to keep this consistence everyday, having to do good drawings, not allowing myself to do what it was better for my own health just because i didnt wanted to disappoint people with silly drawings when the first week was all cool drawings full colored with a bunch of details, references and etc

i really lost my count of how many times i had a terrible breakdown or even an attempt and my first thought was just "yeah that sucked. anyway i have to work so people will have some art tomorrow!"

and to be honest i dont think starting this page with my friend was…..that of a good idea. i know youre here just for their art. you dont need to lie i know theyre better than i am and you would prefer to see their art everyday other than mine. dont worry the feeling its mutual

but well theyre a slow artist and i wont be the one forcing them to draw everyday, i am the one that can do it and thats what i did for 300 days until now!

but that was something that kinda broke my feelings also cuz im very harsh on myself and keeping comparing their drawings to mine, not only the quality but also the different attention it all got (and sometimes it was almost a 20 likes difference so..sucks to be me ig) isnt doing good for my little damaged brain. its 100% not their fault tho and im not saying it is KJGDKFDK but if im going to be honest then i will

i dont know how to keep going the text tbh,, so,, my point is that im havent felt well since i started the page, and i love it with my whole heart, and these feelings have nothing to do with uno, grand chase itself, or the community (maybe a 2% fault go for annoying people from twitter /hj), im just being a little egoistic and doing this for myself or otherwise i can go completely insane and well. psych wards dont look funny :(

i really feel nasty, an HORRIBLE human being, absolute egoistic trash by abandoning the page, i feel SO FUCKING BAD for not drawing my son, by not updating here everyday and allowing people to see the silly stuff i do, but i guess i got to my breaking point where i just cant keep ignoring my suicide attempts by drawing and keeping my mouth shut (really, my last attempt was so scary i didnt fully recovered from)

yeahhhhhhh

i guess that was it

i pinky-promise i'll try my best to keep drawing and posting everytime i can, but it wont be daily, and it may not be weekly also, but i didnt gave up and i WONT gave up, this page is my absolute pride and joy and i cant just let it go away for a bad mental day. i still love and forever will love uno and drawing him, and i'll be forever happy for everyone i've met and helped me even without they knowing, just by liking or commenting on my stuff

i hope you guys can forgive me for abandoning stuff right now and i hope y'all dont forget me. i wont be mad if you forget me. i'll just be a little sad. maybe cry a little *stares at you like that ( ◕_◕)* but dont worry. its okay.

i'll be trying my best to get back posting daily at least around day 330, but dont put high hopes. please. dont expect much. bigs chances i'll be just dropping a stick man with a heart ahoge saying haiiiii and go back to posting silly ugly art

[despite-everything]

im

just going to write this out because i need to get it out somewhere and dont know where my little audio recorder is. i know its hard to live with parents for a lot of people, and i knew it'd be hard for me but thats really hitting right now.

today wasnt the worst, but it also kinda sucked. some geriatric asshole stopped his working vehicle in the middle of the street for no reason, and nearly got me t-boned because of it, then i got an energy bill for a place i dont live despite cancelling the policy in july, then i got a message from my insurance agent saying my policy would be cancelled if i didnt pay (but nothing was due?) and then when i tried to call i learned that this house often doesnt have cell signal in the afternoon. i eventually managed to talk to the insurance people and got that sorted, but i couldnt get through to the energy people, so that's still unresolved. im still rattled from the car thing - i was almost killed in a car last year, so im very sensitive around crashes and near-crashes (no flashbacks today, though, so thats better than the last near-incident i dealt with). tomorrow my dad and i fly out to visit his aging parents - his dad is basically wasting away and his mom is losing her mind, so its a bit of a lets-visit-one-last-time thing. i havent seen them since 2018 and rarely talk to them, but i know theyve fallen down this horrible fox-news-christian-conservative hole lately, and before that they werent great, so i have a horrible feeling this trip is just going to be painful and sad. i know that best-case-scenario, we talk about nothing meaningful at all, and they dont comment on my appearance. but they're going to hate it. and if they actually knew me, they'd hate me, too. and i feel bad leaving my cat behind to live in the basement for 3 days - my stepmom will look after her, but she's going to be very lonely. so there's that, too.

but honestly i needed to write this out because my dad and i were driving our dog to the park to let her run around and we were listening to the radio. he asked me why i dont always use my radio voice, and i told him its because it takes extra effort to stay low and smooth for the persona and the microphones, and that after a few hours its tiring. he said he knew that, but then basically asked again - i tried to get him to clarify, but he didnt have the vocabulary to explain it, so he tried to mimic my voice (i guess?) and it was fucking mean. like i felt my heart drop and almost teared up immediately. i said something like "haha i don't sound like that" and he doubled down and said i did. and the thing is like... i know my natural voice is a bit nasal. im from texas and was raised with a mother and an aunt with nasally, high-pitched southern accents, and i inherited some of that. i HATE my natural voice. for years, any video taken where i spoke at all, i hated rewatching it. i thought i sounded annoying and could barely fathom people wanting to be around me. i hear any recording of my self earlier than 2021 and i want to turn it off and erase it completely. i don't think i'll ever get over that hatred. but as i've gotten older, my voice has dropped a bit. and i make a conscious effort to have much less of a texan accent (some words still trip me up - aisle, line, fire, wild... "i" is hard to not sound texan on), and i try to sound "smoother" and more pleasant. but i know i don't always succeed, especially if im excited. and the thing is, my excitement is always too much for my family. it's annoying and immature and overwhelming, apparently. so my entire life i've tried to tone myself down, but sometimes i fail, and sometimes i'm so wound up and anxious i fail then, too. and i know it's annoying, but jesus christ that imitation hurt.

when i tried to express that, my dad got pissed and was like "thats just what you sound like" and i said something along the lines of "you don't have to mean about it" and he got more upset and was like "im not being mean you just sound like that. but fine. i just wont bring it up ever again" and im sitting in the passenger seat thinking... what am i supposed to do? what am i supposed to say? if i cry, he'll get even more upset and think im overreacting and being immature, but todays already been hard (to self-regulate earlier, i bit my arm so hard i accidentally drew blood, and screamed so loud in my car my hearing was temporarily dampened, but while that helped, it didn't fix anything), and i could cry any moment. and my mind just loops back to the impression of me, which was startlingly similar to his "whiny voice" he uses to mock assholes. it just felt fucking awful and yet i felt kinda crazy because he keeps saying he didnt mean it in a bad way, and he isnt the type to play mind games but my mother did that sort of thing all the time, and i was tired and upset and wanted to go back home. after the park, i tried to continue the conversation, but never really understood what part of my voice or cadence he was referring to,but i think i smoothed things over enough. but it just sucks so much.

im living with him and my stepmom right now as i look for a job, and im more than an hour away from any of my friends. while i could drive to see them, it doesnt make sense to waste that gas when im unemployed and heading for the airport in the morning tomorrow. and i dont really call my friends. i could, but its not a thing we do, and i honestly would just want to say what this post said and then move on. i just wish i had company. but im outside trying not to be eaten alive by mosquitoes but theyre getting me through me jeans, so i just have to suck it up and go inside to wash the dishes.

[ghousttm]

Read the tags please

Im going to put a marking on where it rlly talks about the suicide part of the story

Until then, the story shouldn't need any content warning

Artist who lowkey highkey sucks at and hates their life and copes by drawing their one oc but one day their oc comes to life and turns Oc lowkey highkey doesn't rlly like Artist bc they're a loser

Oc is different from Artist in many ways. They're pretty, they have friends, they have a direction in life and they love themself. They're everything Artist wants to be

Oc always seem pretty content and happy no matter what's thrown on them.

Artist's life basically took an L and fell off. Nothing really 'happened'. The passing of time just brought them more things than they can handle.

But everyone else seems to be adapting well so.. Artist concludes that they're just not meant to do this 'trying to live' thing

Both Oc and Artist are pretty arrogant and narcissistic

But because of how much more 'better' Oc's life and overall skillset is. Oc thinks that Artist is pathetic

Oc doesnt even respect Artist. They think its almost embarrassing how Artist is their creator. And it rlly hurts Artist since they're really really passionate of Oc, and rlly rlly love them and are attached to them

They try to get along. Sometimes Artist would use their ability to shut Oc up, or for revenge

Cw: heavy themes of suicide after this

But some day, Artist just couldn't take it. Oc is right. They're pathetic, and such a waste of space, why are they even still here? When not even their own creation likes them

Imagine being so pathetic the things you're supposed to author can't even respect you

And maybe they died

Maybe there's like someone who Artist knows that also knows about Oc being alive

But that person is an online friend, that's honestly trying so much more than Artist, at least Artist thinks so

And Artist didn't want anyone to know if they died, so they didn't tell anyone

So Oc was the one who took over Artist's device(s) to tell Friend

And doxx them so friend can come over to stop them from killing themself lol

Or actually maybe Friend called them

And Oc forced the phone to answer

And hearing their friend talk to them grounded them abit

I dont know what happens after. Maybe they try to make an online platform and make money from art commissions. Somehow there's always people who want to commission them no matter how not good their art is. Maybe its bc they started to make a lot of friends online..

They still suck at living irl. Their place is dirty and their scared of contacting anyone they know bc Artist knows its gonna be a really ouchie reality check. But at least they're eating and not living in their parents' basement, getting scolded everyday.. getting reminded at how horrible they are at living everyday

It doesnt matter, they're not trying to live the best life, they're not even trying to live a good life. They just want to live, enough to be able to see their friends the next day

Thats probably the lesson i guess

[localgardenweed]

Omg I kinda wanna be your friend so bad because:

-I too am a Japan Self-shipper

-I am also a Osomatsu fan and to a lesser extent Toilet Bound Hanako-kun, way of the house husband, Code name kids next door

-You are a great artist!

-You seem fun, funny and friendly!

-I am pretty sure we have the same pronouns lol! I think I have a different preference order though

Reasons why I am unsure and nervous:

-I am just shy

-I have only two friends and haven't made friends in years, I think I have forgotten how

-I have low self confidence and feel like I might be a bad person

-You are a great artist and I should be better at art by now (in general not better than you, I am still at the stage where it is hard to grasp what I am drawing)

-I just realized you are under 18 and I am way older than you. I much rather keep you safe and make sure you feel safe. I honestly, am not sure if it is OK to even write this.

Spinning around the room of my brain rn squealing and jumping up and down. It’s completely fair why you’re a little hesitant, and also like good job being like “maybe its a little unsafe being friends with a minor as a older person” like dont mind interacting i love chatting so dont ever feel you need to block yourself im ok with the casual talk but yeah sometimes i get scared of much older people when we talk like more often and not once in a while IM SCARED OF ADULTS (Basically anyone older than 25) AND IM ALMOST A ADULT THATS SCARY IMMA BE THE VILLAIN I AM THE ENEMY. Ask in 5 to 10 years then we can talk and be besties for life

I have a little sneaking feeling who you are i check who likes and reblogs my stuff its how i keep the dnis out of my space, and dont worry if your art isn’t “as good” as it should be man, it takes time takes work and sometimes it may not work out but that doesn’t mean its shitty or not worth anything, as long as it makes you happy what else matters, improve cause you want to mot cause you should. Everyone starts drawing like for realsies and not just the occasional at different points, i started like taking art seriously like in 3rd grade maybe 1st grade idk blurry but i got alot of years under my belt already and still so much more man. We all have our strengths and weaknesses in art like realism, could never do it. And thats okay

Build up that self confidence, dont feel the need to rush it cause that too takes time! You need to know you’re awesome sauce and if you really feel you’re a bad person, take some time to think and ask why you think you are and how you can fix it, like REALLY think about it not a “i forgot to say thank you to the barista i am a monster” no you just made a mistake and forgot smth you arent horrible you’re fine. If you threw the boiling hot cup of coffee at the barista for using cow milk instead of goat milk thats a problem, fix that, get some help.

Sorry if this like a jumbled mess too i wrote this when i originally got it then came back to it later after brain farting and life busy but now i have finally finished my epic rant i hope this was acceptable sorry if this sucked major ass

[lilsprite-dreamlog]

4/6/15

I found this note from 9 years ago. Huge trigger warning ⚠️

Saving this in my lil online journal to remind myself how far I have come in my mental health journey.

Continue reading at your own detriment.

I constantly wake up and wonder why. why i am so lucky every single fucking day. My mind is a hurricane going straight for a radiation plant conveniently located to a large city filled of hopeless people waiting for their demise. my emotions are like a menopausal woman's a/c unit. hot and cold. cold and hot. i want to run. far away from everything that reminds me of the shit person i have become, start anew. yet i want to stay...locked in my room with all the candy and video games a gamer could want. and just one sharp blade. a large bottle of motrin. maybe a gun would do it. i certainly couldn’t hang myself. i like the thought of a gun. to have whatever is left inside of my hollow emotionless body sprayed across the walls and ceilings. it could be my final painting i ever paint. a red painting of pain.

i say these terrible things to myself and i wonder. why do i have these tendencies? why do i want to die as soon as i am bestowed with the gift of life when i wake up from another sleepless night filled with tears and denial and regret and pain and hate. and yet i feel as though my days are like a sunny rainy day. have you ever been somewhere where its sunny with barely any clouds but it’s still raining? thats how i would describe my life right now.

i love my life and everything in it. my mom dad brother all love me. i have great friends also. i have 2 dogs that are my life. i am young and “healthy”. why isn’t this enough for me. why do i want this? why do i want this all to go away?

i am not afraid of death. is that why i wish it upon myself? is it because i cant handle living in fucked up society anymore? living to work, working to live? that is not the life i want. unfortunately that is the only thing anybody can do in this life. not so bad if you do what you love for the rest of your life right? but what do i love? i am such a wildfire and i am not consistent. only when it comes to anime but in other things in life i cannot seem to grasp something that keeps me grounded. that is why i am scared to try hard drugs cause i know for sure i would be hooked. same reason why i dont gamble. i love drinking too much and i dont tell anyone that.

i smile everyday and laugh. when really i want to scream so fucking hard my lungs fall out of my throat and i cant breathe anymore. every time i drive my truck i do a small prayer a drunk driver kills me. sometimes i drive super fast and take my belt off and close my eyes then take my hands off the wheel. sometimes i put the blade to my skin but people will notice so i just do a small one when really i want to know how it feels to be stabbed in the heart. i know i have done it to many unfortunate souls that have seen some kind of light in my eyes. sometimes i put a handful of pills in my mouth.

i wonder if im fucked up like this because of my past. my cousin raped me when i was young. i was like 3 or 4. i was too young to know what he was doing was bad. so he did it for awhile then it stopped. now i am fucked up in bed. i like it crazy. but deep down i don’t enjoy sex. it doesn’t feel good to me. but rather i enjoy the act of taking each others clothes and being bad. maybe thats my problem i enjoy being bad. but i know thats not it because i’ve never stolen anything in my life ha.

so what is it? why do you hate yourself so much that you want to die? i’m coo coo thats for damn sure. what i really need is to be locked up in a hospital so i don’t hurt anyone else. but hospitals give me horrible anxiety and the shrinks are just snitches with degrees and nice clothing. wolves in sheep clothing thats all they are. one of my shrinks wanted to send me to rehab. another one was turning me against my family, he sucked. if i ever go to a mental house i will definitely kill myself. or i will turn into all the people there. sometimes i feel like i belong there though because i don’t feel much of anything anymore just sadness. i am crazy on the outside but i am a normal moody 20 year old.

maybe i should do something bad so i can go to jail the rest of my life and be a loser. then piss off some lady named dorris and have her shank me with a plastic fork. yeah i’ve thought about that path can you tell? ‘damn’ you must be thinking. ‘what the fuck is wrong this girl’. i have no fucking idea and i wish i did.

my mom was such an amazing parent to me and i didn’t fucking deserve any of it. i don’t deserve it. i don’t deserve all the love that is given to me. at all. i don’t deserve anything, thinking these thoughts. i wake up and cry because i still exist. i cry because i hate myself. i cry because i’m so fucking worthless. i am such a piece of shit and i know it. i have more fucking issues than vogue. if i don’t kill myself now i will eventually do it. before i start to get wrinkles joint pain and go deaf i will.

i’m so fucking selfish to think these thoughts and praying to die when my mom is fighting for her life. she might have cancer again and she does not deserve this sentence. i am selfish for wishing i had it so i could die and finally leave this ugly universe. and all she wants to do is live. then i really hate myself for that and the cycle continues. and its like this everyday. i don’t know what to do anymore with myself i am so far lost i am beyond wandering or exploring. i am about to jump into the deep end and i will not know if i will make it out this time. i only stay alive for the sake of those around me unfortunately.

[doyoueverfeelme]

04.04.2024 - 2128 - King of Losers

Yes, thats me. king of the losers. i lost everything. i lost. im the loser. i have this aching pain in my chest, now that i accept, i lost. im a loser. i lost so hard in love. i even lost count of how many times i lost. am i ugly?

i'm listening to karma police now. i couldnt find a song named king of the losers but maybe i should make that song myself. as soon as i got my dj set, i will make a song named king of the losers.

im horrible, horrible, horrible, feeling horrible, horrible,horrible. why why why.

no answers, no help again. im back to my 16. i was seeking for help desperately, no one came to help me no one came to save me. now im 24, again im in need of big help. now only difference is that i know no help is coming, no one will save me, now i know so my pain is colder. not as hot as 16. but still hurts. and people make babies. retarded people. who wants to live through all these pain? why would i sacrifice my beloved child by giving birth to it. why would i create another human. to get through all these suffering? cruel and im not gonna be cruel to my own child. so no babies.

im listening radiohead. arabesk rock. lol.

this year, i think i failed 15 relationships. im not sure about the exact number. first one lasted 4 months and i left him in a random they where i understood we're not compatible.

then i find a few narcicst psychos, each lasted 1 month max. then i left them all.

then i fell in love in june, hardest love of my life. i was sure he loved me back, but he left me. then i went to him again, just to see he has a girlfriend now. my heart shattered. why did you ask to be with me again if you have a girlfriend, why do you touch and hug to my soul and rip inside my heart, if youre not gonna love me properly. people are so cruel. im so soft. i tried to kill the soft in me, sometimes it comes back to life. but my soft has to die, so that i can live. i can't survive in this horror world as a kindest softest soul.

then this asshole, i just learned that he has a girlfriend too and wants to be with me as well, this asshole is someone i know for 5 years. i left him too. i dont think looking back after this point ever.

no body deserves my greatness. but im so alone. so alone. im okay with being alone, but im scared of myself. my mind is trying to drive me crazy. my mind wants to be lost. my mind is scaring me. im scared of myself. im scared of my capabilities. all therapist are retarded losers and they all suck. i couldn't find a threapist that i trust. i couldn't find someone to be with. i couldn't find good friends. i always thought im the issue but i dont think this anymore. im truly great. maybe i did mistakes, but this is not what i deserve.

is everyone this lonely? do i have to suffer all my existence? i had suffered from my own thoughts since the beginning of my conciseness. i'm strong, very strong. but its so hard. its ripping me apart. this is so so hard.

i keep praying, but god never answers. im not sure if someone hears me, i keep talking to myself. there is no one in and out of me. i keep falling and falling, getting up and falling again. getting up just to fall back again. im so tired of gettin up myself. so tired of holding my own hand. even tired of eating drinking sleeping and breathing. this life is a prison. my mind and my body is a prison. existence is a torture. i can but i cant at the same time. im so sad. so sad. so sad.

my heart is burning like a fire

[finitevoid]

soren isnt specifically into incest. He likes the mess of portspas incestuous ambiguity. He hates usuk because the way its usually protrayed is corny and weeby. probably into pruaus for the same reasons he likes portspa: incest (?) toxic yaoi. Having the means to reject being relatives despite being related. I REPEAT HES NOT INTO INCEST HE JUST LIKE S THAT IT MAKES YAOI TOXIC SOMETIMES

Of course ike knows about his yaoi obsession.

stefans parents abandoned him. They were both beorc hes like 1/32 lion its hilarious. He lives in the same group home soren was at. This home is his branded colony actually except he runs none of it its just disproportionately branded and stefans like Mi gente :). He tries to organize them but theyre all too traumatized to give a shit. I believe stefan will be a great revolutionary one day but hes still in his struggle era.

When soren got adopted he was 100% convinced almedha was going to do horrible things and soren just wanted him to shut up. Nothing soren can tell stefan will convince stefan on almedha. Stefan like soren is the resentful of people better off than him type so i need to put out there that stefans fully convinced sorens situation actually got worse. But also stefan wants the absolute best for his fellow branded soren so he would never resent soren for living his best life :)

stefan nearly killed the person he shot but he survived. No one snitched and stefans just living his life. he doesnt bring weapons to school because of the metal detectors and he hides his guns in the bushes outside his home in case he gets searched. #me characters am i right

is your #i hate it here tag intentional. Did you mean to compile those two posts

what do you mean. i was complaining about [redacted state that i live in] getting dark at 6 pm already. the winter post made me think about how by december its going to get dark at 3 pm here like not as a joke

i didnt think he would be but i was curious if hes coping or not. is he getting into fights online about it. does he like mpreg. omegaverse?

im sorry his parents suck and are beorc. Tjats sad. im cheering for his revolutionary future but i guess first he needs a felony or two. is threatening to shoot up a school a felony ? its gotta be a crime

thats hilarious. nothing soren says makes him believe hes chilling ? how does stefan feel about greil. i know he doesnt like ikey poo. you betrayed me for that beorc etc