#and spending the next 6 days trying to find people to bother with my latest thoughts because talking about it helps me get organized

[iscratchdoors]

i want to make a List

[iwhishtomeetinournextlife]

An anonymous lover (Part 5)

Summary : Y/N sees Sirius Black running away after a particularly rough letter from his mother. She wants to cheer him up and decide to send him a letter, anymously, she knows how much he hates her house.

Warnings : Slytherin!Reader, female!reader, angst, arguing, not proof read

Word count : 2.2k

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - You're here - Part 6 - Part 7

English is not my first language, sorry if there is any mistakes

--------------------------

It is not possible. It is a mistake. He has dream of that moment so much, he is just imagining things now.

Sirius was in his dorm, laying down, looking at the stars on the canopy of his bed. He has stuck all the enveloppe he had receive decored with stars there, so he could see the sky before falling asleep, this had helped him to sleep better for the past few weeks.

But even the soothing looks of the stars could not help him calm his mind, he simply could not believe the person he was exchanging letters with, for now soon to be two months, was a slytherin. He knows her house shouldn’t be important, that no matter what she had helped him in so many ways, but he had developped such a hated for this house, he could simply not accept it.

He didn’t dare to compare the handwriting, fearing it would be indeed true, but after a few minutes he finally decided to look, he had to be sure, he couldn’t stay in the mystery like that for much longer.

He took the notes Y/N gave to him and the latest letter, the one he got today, it was a warming letter, she was talking about how she used to climb trees with her brother when she was a kid but never dared to go high, and how all the assignment was stressing her out and that writing to him helps her feeling better. Sirius felt like shit reading the lines.

He finally compare the two handwriting and threw his head back when they were the same. All the memories of the letter who were a source of joyed turned into a taste of disgust in the back of his tongue. What was before a blessing to be able to read those impossible lines became a curse. He hated it.

He hated how much of an impact her being a slytherin had on him, he didn’t want to deal with the emotion and decided to burry it deep inside of him. He didn’t copy the notes Y/N gave him and used Remus’ instead, he didn’t go to supper that evening, he didn’t respond to the letter like usual, and he didn’t sleep that night.

---------------------------------

Y/N was a bit surprise to not have any letters from Sirius that night, she had not see him in the Great Hall either, that got her a bit worried. She tried to reassure herself, he did say he had difficulties with that specific potion so he was probably studying.

She laughed at that idea, she had never seen him study before, clever and smart Sirius. Always finding ways out of situation, always the right answer in class if he bothered participating. The two month were over soon she realised and he had still to find her. She felt a bit of dispointment but also a satisfaction of winning the bet. She blushed when she remembered Sirius had promised a date if he find her before. Would he still wants to ask her if the bet  was over ?

She thought for a moment, she hoped he would, she was still a bit scared to reveal herself, but she was confident everything would go alright if she did. After all, they had spend so much time sharing their hearts, it couldn’t desappear that easily, right ?

The next day she searched for him in the crowd and she felt her stomach flip, he looked livid, her first thought went to his mother, has she send another letter ? She felt so bad for him, she just wanted to hold him in her arms and tells him everything would be alright because he was capable of anything.

When their eyes met, Sirius quickly looked away, he didn’t want to see her, didn’t want to think of all the things happening in his head and she was only making things worse. Y/N didn’t know what to think of that, she decided to let him his space, he could always write to her if he needed her help.

But Y/N’s concern only got worse, it was Remus who gave her back her notes, and when she asked if Sirius was ok, he just nodded and said he will be alright. He completly ignore her in class, and wierdly enough he seemed to look at her way more often than before but always looked away when she noticed him.

She send a little message, a very short one, “Are you ok ? I’m worried”, all she was able to write down, she felt a weight in her stomach getting heavier every day and sharp glass in her throat forbbiding her to talk.

Those feeling only got worse when Sirius only responded with “I know who you are. Astronomy tower, 11PM, tomorrow” Y/N has never sweat that much in her entire life.

-----------------------

The walk from the dungeon to the astronomy tower was a long walk, and she was very careful to not get caught by anyone patrolling the corridors, she was trembling like a leaf in the wind. Each step getting heavier. But when she finally arrived, he was there, looking at the window, he turned to her when he heard someone enter.

For a solid second they just stand there, looking at eachother, not daring to say a word, but after a few moment it Y/N who spoke. “So... You know who I am”

“Yeah..”, his eyes looked in the void, he didn’t know what to do, he felt completly paralized. “Well.. What now ?” she didn’t dare to look a him either. “I don’t know”

Y/N froze for a moment, he didn’t know ? He is the one who asked her to come here ! After all they shared to one another, all the words exchanged, all those freaking kisses and hugs that’s all he had to say ? What for ? “Is it because I’m a slytherin ?”

Sirius didn’t answer for a moment but that spoke for itself, Y/N scoffed, tears running down her cheeks. “Of course” Sirius frowned “What do you mean by that ?”

“Of FUCKING course the great Sirius Black can’t deal with the fact he befriended a slytherin, how could have i been this stupid to think he could get over his own prejudice on a house he knows nothing about” Sirius stood from the window seat and walked to her visibly pissed “I know enough ‘bout yer stupid house to know t’s just a bunch a soon to be death eaters !”

Y/N open her mouth, completly shocked “Death eater ? Death. Eaters ? What do you even know about it ? Have you even try to talk to-” “Actually, yes, I did ! And mind ya all those I have talked to are nothing but monsters, so I prefer keep you and your kind away from me as much as possible”

Heavy tears were falling, how could he say that ? Her voice were cracking “Me and my kind ?! Do I look like a monster to you ?” Sirius opened and closed his mouth a few times “Maybe, yeah ! I know nothing about you !”

“NOTHING ?! I OPEN MY HEART TO YOU AND SERVED IT ON A GOLDEN PLATE !”

“WELL I DON’T WANT IT ! YOUR PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT A SHAME TO THESE SCHOOL, I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE LET STUDYING HERE !  NOTHING BUT ABOMINATIONS ! YOU WILL JU-”

“MAY I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE ?!”

Y/N and Sirius froze, Professor McGonagall and prefect were standing at the door, arms crossed, a severe look on her face. “So ? I’m waiting”. Both the students were heads down, ashamed of being caught like four years old. It is Sirius who answered “Nothing Professor", she frowned when she saw the tears Y/N was quickly swipping away and her puffy eyes. “Well I am sure you will gladly do nothing at your detention tomorow after class”

“Yes Professor” have they replied in union, “Now, I believe you both know the way back to your dorm ? Go Miss Y/L/N, accompagny her Mister Collins, and it better not happen again” Y/N nod, unable to say another word and got out, following Collins. “Follow me Mister Black”, Sirius followed without a word.

After a few minutes, when they were starting to climb the moving stairs back to the Gryffindor commun room, she spoke, “I will not hide to you that I am quite desappointed Mister Black”, he frowned but before he could they anything, McGonagall added “I heard enough of your conversation to know what was happening, Mister Black” He felt his blood running out his face, probably leaving whiter than snow. “Professor I-”

“I don’t need your explainations, what you have said to Miss Y/L/N is simply intolarable, I thought better of you” Sirius was now red of shame, he didn’t know what to say, actually, he already regretted every words, he regretted them the second they have left his lips. “I can understand your disfavour toward the slytherin, I know your difficult relationship with your family and the fact they were all from this house, but I need you to understand that not all slytherin are bad people, the same way not all people who were from gryffindor turned out to be good people. Do you understand ?” Sirius nodded “I want you to think about it, goodnight Mister Black”

Sirius said goodbye and enter the common room before going to his shared dorm, he was not surprise to see that none of the marauders were sleeping. Sirius put the map he had used to sneek out in James drawer, his friend spoke “Where were you ?”

He didn’t answered at first, letting himself flopped on his bed, face first and groaning into his pillow. His friends looked at each other, worried, “Were you with a girl ?”, that only made him groaned louder. “C’mon, talk t’ us” said Remus, who stood up to sat beside his friend.

Sirius didn’t said anything for a moment, he was gnaw with guilt, he wanted all he said back, when he remember you crying his chest tighten, it was his fault if those tears were rolling down your cheek, if you were screaming at him, he had said such horrible thing to you but you didn’t said anything bad, you just observe a hard truth : this idiot could not go past his jugmental ass.

“The anonymous lover is Y/N”, all the marauders gasped together and hurried beside on his bed. “So ? What happenned ? You should be through the roof !” Sirius turned around, “I knew it for ‘ few days now”, James widen his eyes “ ‘nd you did tell us ?!”

Sirius grimaced “I know ! ‘m sorry ! ‘t just...” Remus frowned, something bad happened. “Pads, what have y’ done ?”, he simply put a pillow on his face, groaning and speaking intelligible words. “Wha’ ?”

“I TOLD HER SLYTHERIN WERE ABOMINATIONS !” they all sat there for a moment. James finally took the pillow from Sirius and hit him as hard as he possibly could with it “You. Are. An. I. DI. OT.”

“OUCH ! Yeah, YEAH ! I know, stop hitting me !” but he didn’t stop before a few more hit. He stop and catched back his breath. “I wouldn’t like to be you” said Peter, “Yeah, no shit Worm-” -another hit from James- “What do I do now ?!”

“Wha’ ? ‘cause you want her now ?” questionned Remus, he did not approve of his friend behavior, but he assumed that since he basicly called her a monster, he must not want to be with her. He observed his friend for a moment “C’mon, tell us everythin’ “

Sirius told them everything, from how he foud out, to what McGonagall had told him, passing by the horrible things he said to Y/N and him hiding his feelings away, getting interrupt occasionly by hit from James. But then he stopped, realising something horrible. “Oh no. Oh no no no no, I’M BECOMMING MY MOM !” He put his face in his hands. “I said such horrible things to her, she didn’t deserved any of it ! How do I make her feel better ?” He sounded desperate.

James put a hand on his friend’s shoulder “You gotta show her you really regret wha’ you said”

“Maybe some gifts ?” suggested Peter.

“Nah, first you have to deal with yer slytherin hate” said Remus.

Sirius frowned “What do you mean ?”

“If you want to date a slytherin, you have to deal with your irrational hate towards all of ‘hem”

“It’s not irrational ! I have perfectly good reas-” but he stopped mid-sentence, it was the argument with Y/N all over again, he sighed, he did need to deal with that.

“Let’s sleep, it’ll be better tomorow” said James who went to his own bed, the rest nodded and did the same.

Sirius put on some pyjamas and laid there for long minutes, thinking about why he hated slytherin so much, about his family, about Y/N. About the tears he caused, he wanted to punch himself for that, he swore that night that he will do anything to put a smile on her face and never see her cry again. He knew it will be hard but he will do anythign to deserve her fogiveness.

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@blackpinkdolan  @jentaculargums @bruxa0007 @deathkat657 @theincredibledeadlyviper @bleh-bleh-blehs @whiskeypowder @edithsvoice @weasleybeb

[rosepetalmark]

too soon.

↬ Jung Jaehyun x Reader ↬2.5k Words ↬Warnings: Mentions of alcohol ↬ Got in my feels one night listening to Keshi so this is inspired by his song “2 soon”

It hurt not having you there. After the breakup, which you both decided was amicable, something inside him snapped. 

At first, he let the sadness take over him. He knew these were all normal emotions to process once a breakup occurred, so he let himself mourn his loss. Just because you both decided you needed to focus on yourselves and careers, doesn’t mean it didn’t pain him knowing you wouldn’t be the first person he was able to hug when he got home from work, let alone kiss you whenever he looked your way. 

Most days he tried to distract himself, divulging himself into non stop practise, trying to work harder for the groups latest comeback, rather than drown in sorrow over his want for you and your relationship. 

Weeks had passed, and so did his urge to drink. At first he thought one shot would do, take the edge off and distract him from his thoughts and cheer him up a little, but five more shots later he was dizzy, sad, and still thinking of you. 

He reached for his phone several times in that moment, glancing at your name that’s been untouched for almost two months, desperately wanting to call you and ask if you’re doing well. If you miss him. If you still love him and much as he loves you. 

But each time he stopped himself, something within his heart knowing that you needed this time to heal as well. Hell, maybe you’ve already healed and want nothing to do with him. But he doesn’t know that, and he doesn’t want to know that. He just wants to be with you. 

And he knows this isn’t a healthy mentality to have. You both made it known that his career is at a very pivotal point, and that’s what he needs to be focusing on until he feels he is stable enough in his career to balance both being an idol, and a caring boyfriend to you. 

So each time he’s alone and in his thoughts, he gets wasted and cries about how he lost you, and how he wants nothing more than to put his career aside than to be with you. If you ever heard him say those words, he knows you’d be upset, wanting his happiness and career to be put first. It came before you after all, and you never wanted to be the reason for his career ever taking a negative turn. 

It wasn’t until he was at a yearly company party SM threw in December to not only celebrate Christmas, but all the successful comebacks and promotions each of their artists have done throughout the majority of the year. They may have worked NCT and Jaehyun to the bone this year, and this was just the slightest form of appreciation they had to offer. 

Yuta and Mark were joking about the time Jaehyun snuck you into one of SM’s after parties after the Golden Disk awards last year, focusing more on you than his friends and groupmates, never leaving your side or your lips for the matter; prompting him to drunkenly declare his love for you in front of the dozens of other celebrities surrounded in the same room as you all. 

Jaehyun was embarrassed when he remembered the next day, but you on the other hand thought it was sweet.  Knowing that he didn’t care what his repercussions were at the moment, only wanting to declare his love for you not only to you, but to those he's closest with and who know how hard it is to find love and maintain it in such a hectic and invasive career.

He got so drunk at this year’s party, that he locked himself in one of the building's bathrooms, tears streaming down his face because he knew the alcohol was not enough. It will never be enough. Alll he wants is you. 

Taking his phone out of his jacket pocket, he scrolled down to your name, and pressed “Call”. Knowing it was a long shot that you’d answer, considering you don’t have to associate with him if you didn’t want to, along with the fact that it was shortly after 1am, with you probably being fast asleep. 

With just two rings in, a soft “Hello” came from his speaker, nothing that you did in fact answer and were awake. 

“Hi.” Was all he managed to speak out, soft hiccups emerging from his throat, his cheeks getting hotter by the second as he doesn’t know what he’s going to say to you, let alone what you’re going to say back to him. 

“Are you okay Jaehyun? It’s 1am.”

Wiping his tears, he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t outright blurt out everything he was thinking and feeling the past few months, not wanting to scare you away from the intense emotions he was feeling as of late. 

“I don’t think I am.” He spoke softly, loosening his tie as it was constricting him from breathing properly through his intense tears.

“I miss you, like a lot.” He said between gulps, trying to calm down but his hiccups having other plans for him. “And I know we said this was for the best, but us breaking up has been eating me alive and I can’t stop thinking about you and us and it just really sucks.”

“It’s been two months Jaehyun.” You say, not knowing exactly how to process how he’s feeling. “Why didn’t you call me earlier if everything’s been bothering you so much?”

“I didn’t want to bother you. I wanted to give you space and let you live your life without coming off as some pathetic loser who needs you all the time.”

“Well, you’re not a pathetic loser, Jung Jaehyun. You’re a human being who lives a hectic life, one with feelings who deserves to feel and process and be comforted whenever something’s going on in your life. Don’t ever feel bad about it.”

Processing your voice, Jaehyun couldn’t help feel the comfort and peace that flowed through his body whenever you spoke to him. You always knew what to say, and even when you didn’t, your presence was just as reassuring. 

“I miss you too, by the way.”

“You do?” He cries, trying his best to wipe his tears while maintaining his attention on your voice. “I thought if I called and you heard me like this you’d for sure be happy we broke up.”

“Breakups are painful Jaehyun. I can’t even imagine how you feel because I know you don’t have many people to talk about things so it must hurt to bottle things up.”

Which was true. Jaehyun kept your relationship a secret for six months before even letting his managers know, slowly waiting for the company’s okay with your relationship, but not wanting for it to be public. He never wanted to do that to you, hound you with the harassment and chaos that came attached to an idol. It was already bad enough when two idols dated, let alone when one dated a non- celebrity, fans worked even harder to learn everything and anything they could, potentially harming anyone at hand. 

Jaehyun first told Johnny when you two started dating, the smirk on his face never once fading whenever the mention of you came up. The rest of the members slowly began to find out, each congratulating him that he finally found someone who made him smile, and wasn’t with him because he was famous. Anyone he attempted dating in the past either wanted him for his fame, or was someone in the industry who wouldn’t shut up about the industry. 

Dating you was like a breath of fresh air, because compared to his hectic life, you were just a regular, comforting human being. You worked a part time job at the mall, attended university and were studying to be a social worker, and had a great obsession with baking banana bread. 

Whenever Jaehyun was with you, you reminded him of what it’s like to be a normal human being, not an idol stripped of all his talent, time, and energy to make a company even more rich and successful than they already were.

And it wasn’t to say you lived a boring life, but compared to him everything you’ve done and experienced was so mundane. Nothing made Jaehyun happier than when he showed you the tiny details that go on in an idols life, such as where he practises, to where he and the rest of NCT record their songs, even taking you behind the stages of award shows and comeback stages-wanting you to see the full effect and experience up close, rather than on a tv or in a dressing room away from all the magic. 

You were the clarity and compassion in Jaehyun’s life and it absolutely shattered him whenever you were unable to be with him when your lives and commitments came first. 

When you both decided it was necessary for you to break up, Mark was the first person who found out. Jaehyun entered the dorm quietly, his cap covering his eyes and mask slightly rising up the bridge of his nose, only exposing about a centimetre of his face. 

Mark knew better than to ask what was wrong, as past experiences with Jaehyun being angry never ended too well, so he gave him some space. But three days after entering the dorm pissed off and not leaving his room once, Mark took it upon himself to check up on him, only to find him curled up in a ball on his bed sobbing, discovering that you two broke up and clearly he wasn’t taking it well. 

It took him about 6 days before he left his bed to finally shower and eat something that wasn’t a granola bar or cereal stashed in his room or brought in by Mark, and 9 days for him to finally tell everyone why he was so distant and upset. 

Obviously, everyone was saddened that you wouldn’t be spending time with them anymore, but ultimately were hurting for Jaehyun as well, as they knew you meant a great deal to him, and losing you meant losing all the plans and dreams he had for wanting to marry you one day. 

Obviously not in the near future, but in around 5 years, when you were well out of school and had a full time job, and when Nct was well off enough to not be promoting as often as they had their first several years as a group; only ever promoting or touring for a portion of the year, rather than having breaks for a few weeks every few months. 

It took all the strength in Jaehyun’s body not to call you every night after you broke up, but clearly that did not work because here he was, unfortunately consumed by alcohol he used to help cope with the pain for the past several weeks, drunk and sobbing to you. 

“It’s just been really hard. I know we said it’s for the best but I hate not having you in my life. I miss going for food with you at 2am when you’re stressed about your assignments. I miss giving you long hugs when we go long periods of time without seeing each other and- fuck! I just am so in love and want to be with you the rest of my life and I hate how I let myself become so attached to you and this relationship but I cannot go on knowing there’s a chance you’re going to fall in love with someone one day and I won’t be that man marrying you or being the father of your children or holding you when you’ve had a hard day.”

“Wow, you’re really drunk.” You say, hugging your pillow to your chest because no one has ever uttered such raw, loving words to you before and you cannot help but fight off the urge to cry because you too, want that life for the both of you one day. 

“Yeah I know. I’m surprised I said all that right now because I’ve been fighting the urge to call you every night because I wanted to give you space.”

“I want all that with you, Jaehyun. I want us to get married and have three kids and two dogs and I want you to help teach them all how to read and for them to make you play dress up with them and have tea parties and make sand castles. I’m still in love with you and always will be so please don’t be sorry or surprised you’re feeling this way because we both know we deserve to be with each other.”

“I want you so much.”

“Do you want me to come see you? Just so we can talk and I can make sure you’re doing okay?”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, I get if it feels weird or it’s too late.” He didn’t want to pressure you into doing anything, especially the need to take care of him when he’s drunk and sad and completely in love with you. You’re not his babysitter, nor his girlfriend for the matter- you are not inclined to care for him or even see him because he’s a mess. 

But you still want to. Because even though you haven’t spoken in weeks, you know that Jaehyun is the love of his life, and hearing him be so sad and lonely is more than heartbreaking. It’s complete agony. 

“Nothing is too late or too weird when it comes to you. I want to hug you and never let you go and tuck you in bed and make sure you’re safe and happy when you go to bed.”

“I’ll meet you back at my dorm if that’s okay? If I’m at this party any longer I’ll go absolutely insane.”

“I’ll see you there, Jaehyun. Please be safe and text me when you leave.”

“Of course, anything for you. And thank you, for even just listening. You’re an angel and I can’t wait to see you in a few minutes.” He chimed, shortly ending the call after he said those last statements to you. 

Jaehyun doesn’t know for certain where his future with you stands, but he’s okay with that. He’s seeing you soon, and you just confessed that you’re still in love with him and want a future with him, and that’s all he needs.

His conversation with you managed to clear his mind and body out of the abundance of alcohol that once consumed him, his attention  and newfound excitement now focused solely on seeing you, touching you, just being with you. He quickly ordered himself a cab, not even saying goodbye to his members, beyond ecstatic to be within your presence. 

And for now, that’s all he could ever ask for. 

[philip-ks-dick]

Philip K. Dick, For Dummies.

I’ve been researching PK.D for a few years now, as he’s my father’s favourite author and I’ve been watching movie and show adaptations of his work for the longest time. I have personally only read the books listed, here’s the order (I think) you should read them in, based on difficulty level and the knowledge you need of the PKD canon to understand the books that follow. This is purely my opinion based on knowledge of the author. by philip-k’s-dick (lol)

Beginner. (These books and stories allow readers to explore Dick’s pet themes and stylistic quirks without falling too far down the rabbit hole)

The Short Stories: Over the course of his life, PKD wrote somewhere in the range of 150 short stories. Naturally, it would be silly of me to dump all of them on you at once, but undeniably, the shorter format allows the big ideas of Dick’s work to come through more clearly, and even the screwier stories conform to relatively coherent shape, making them an excellent jumping off point, especially for an author who wrote almost nonstop throughout his life.

My Favourites:

In The Days of Perky Pat - In this novel, survivors of a global thermonuclear war live in isolated enclaves in California, surviving off what they can scrounge from the wastes and supplies delivered from Mars. The older generation spend their leisure time playing with the eponymous doll in an escapist role-playing game that recalls life before the apocalypse — a way of life that is being quickly forgotten. At the story's climax, a couple from one isolated outpost of humanity plays a game against the dwellers of another outpost (who play the game with a doll similar to Perky Pat dubbed "Connie Companion") in deadly earnest. The survivors' shared enthusiasm for the Perky Pat doll and the creation of her accessories from vital supplies is a sort of mass delusion that prevents meaningful re-building of the shattered society. In stark contrast, the children of the survivors show absolutely no interest in the delusion and have begun adapting to their new life.

(Elements of the story were later incorporated into Dick's novel The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, written in 1964 and published in 1965, in which a Perky Pat simulation game is induced by drugs and miniature models instead. Palmer Eldritch is not a continuation or sequel however.)

What the Dead Men Say - Death is followed by a period of 'half-life', a short amount of time which can be rationed out over long periods in which the dead can be revived—so that, potentially, they can 'live' on for a long time. When attempts to bring back important businessman Louis Sarapis fail, it's clearly more than mere negligence. Sure enough, Sarapis starts speaking from beyond the grave. From outer space, in fact. Yet no-one seems terribly bothered, other than those directly concerned in the plot mechanics. Eventually entire communications networks (phones, TV, radio) are blocked by Sarapis' broadcasts

(Philip's later novel Ubik is a continuation of What the Dead Men Say)

Autofac - Three men wait outside their settlement for an automated delivery truck. Five years earlier, during the Total Global Conflict, a network of hardened automatic factories ("autofacs") had been set up with cybernetic controls that determine what food and consumer goods to manufacture and deliver. Human input had been lost, and the men planned disruption to try to establish communication and take over control. They destroy the delivery, but the truck radios the autofac and unloads an identical replacement, then prevents them from reloading items. They act out being disgusted with the milk delivery and are given a complaints checklist. In a blank space, they write improvised semantic garble—"the product is thoroughly pizzled". The autofac sends a humanoid data collector that communicates on an oral basis, but is not capable of conceptual thought, and they are unable to persuade the network to shut down before it consumes all resources. Their next strategy sets neighbouring autofacs in competition with each other for rare resources and seemingly succeeds, but there is a hidden level

Beyond Lies The Wub - Peterson, a crew member of a spaceship loading up with food animals on Mars, buys an enormous pig-like creature known as a "wub" from a native just before departure. Franco, his captain, is worried about the extra weight but seems more concerned about its taste, as his ship is short of food. However, after takeoff, the crew realizes that the wub is a very intelligent creature, capable of telepathy and maybe even mind control.

Peterson and the wub spend time discussing mythological figures and the travels of Odysseus. Captain Franco, paranoid after an earlier confrontation with the Wub which left him temporarily paralyzed, bursts in and insists on killing and eating the wub. The crew becomes very much opposed to killing the sensitive creature after it makes a plea for understanding, but Franco still makes a meal out of him. At the dinner table, Captain Franco apologises for the "interruption" and resumes the earlier conversation between Peterson and the Wub - which now has apparently taken over the Captain's body

Human Is - Jill Herrick and her husband Lester are in the middle of an argument. Lester deflects his wife’s claim that he is “hideous” with cold indifference. He tells her that he will not allow their child in the house and will have him removed to government custody because he is interfering with his research. Before the distraught Jill can pass this onto their son Gus, Lester gets news that he will be taking a trip to Rexor IV. Despite Jill’s desire to go there and see the planet, Lester insists that he will go alone.

Later Jill tells her brother Frank and she is going to leave Lester. She explains how happy she has been with Lester gone and how he seems to be getting worse every year of their marriage. More cold and more “ruthless,” not to mention the incessant working.

Lester comes home a very different man. He praises Jill’s cooking and expresses disgust with his work on Rexor IV studying toxins. He says he prefers Terra and being home with his wife.

Jill reports these changes to Frank, while Lester is playing in the room with Gus. Frank has Lester brought to a lab for more studies under the guidance of the Federal Clearance agency. Before long they realize that Lester has had his body taken over by a Rexorian.

The Hanging Stranger - The protagonist, Ed Loyce, is a store owner who is disturbed when he sees a stranger hanging from a lamppost, but finds that other people consider the apparent lynching unremarkable.

He finds evidence that alien insects have taken over, manages to get out of town, talks to the police commissioner, who believes him, and after getting all the information about what Ed knows, explains that the body was hung to see if anyone reacted to it, anyone they didn't have control over. He then takes Ed outside and hangs him from a lamppost.

The Commuter - Ed Jacobson is a railway worker at Woking station. His life takes a turn for the worse when his son, Sam, begins experiencing psychotic episodes. When he is selling rail tickets at work, a young woman named Linda asks for a ticket to a destination called Macon Heights that is not listed on any map.

The Minority Report - In a future society, three mutants foresee all crime before it occurs. Plugged into a great machine, these "precogs" allow a division of the police called Precrime to arrest suspects before they can commit any actual crimes. When the head of Precrime, John Anderton, is himself predicted to murder a man whom he has never met, Anderton is convinced a great conspiracy is afoot

Full Books:

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? - Rick Deckard, a bounty hunter for the San Francisco Police Department, is assigned to "retire" (kill) six androids of the new and highly intelligent Nexus-6 model which have recently escaped from Mars and traveled to Earth. These androids are made of organic matter so similar to a human's that only a posthumous "bone marrow analysis" can independently prove the difference, making them almost impossible to distinguish from real people. Deckard hopes this mission will earn him enough bounty money to buy a live animal to replace his lone electric sheep to comfort his depressed wife Iran. Deckard visits the Rosen Association's headquarters in Seattle to confirm the accuracy of the latest empathy test meant to identify incognito androids. Deckard suspects the test may not be capable of distinguishing the latest Nexus-6 models from genuine human beings, and it appears to give a false positive on his host in Seattle, Rachael Rosen, meaning the police have potentially been executing human beings. The Rosen Association attempts to blackmail Deckard to get him to drop the case, but Deckard retests Rachael and determines that Rachael is, indeed, an android, which she ultimately admits.

Clans of the Alphane Moon - War between Earth and insectoid-dominated Alpha III ended over a decade ago. (According to the novel, "Alphane" refers to the nearest star to our own system, Alpha Centauri). Some years after the end of hostilities, Earth intends to secure its now independent colony in the Alphane system, Alpha III M2. As a former satellite-based global psychiatric institution for colonists on other Alphane system worlds unable to cope with the stresses of colonisation, the inhabitants of Alpha III M2 have lived peacefully for years. But, under the pretence of a medical mission, Earth intends to take their colony back.

Against this background, Chuck Rittersdorf and his wife Mary are separating. Although they think they are going their separate ways, they soon find themselves together again on Alpha III M2. Mary travels there through government work, Chuck sees it as a chance to kill Mary using his remote control simulacrum. Along the way he is guided by his Ganymedean slime mould neighbour Lord Running Clam and Mary finds herself manipulated by the Alphane sympathiser, comedian Bunny Hentman.

The Man in the High Castle - In 1962, 15 years after Imperial Japan and Nazi Germany have won World War II, Robert "Bob" Childan owns an Americana antique shop in San Francisco, California (located in the Japanese-occupied Pacific States of America), which is most commonly frequented by the Japanese, who make a fetish of romanticized American cultural artifacts. Childan is contacted by Nobusuke Tagomi, a high-ranking Japanese trade official, who is seeking a gift to impress a visiting Swedish industrialist named Baynes. Childan's store is stocked in part with counterfeit antiques from the Wyndam-Matson Corporation, a metalworking company. Frank Frink (formerly Fink), a secretly Jewish-American veteran of World War II, has just been fired from the Wyndam-Matson factory, when he agrees to join a former co-worker to begin a handcrafted jewellery business. Meanwhile, Frink's ex-wife, Juliana, works as a judo instructor in Canon City, Colorado (in the neutral buffer zone of Mountain States), where she begins a sexual relationship with an Italian truck driver and ex-soldier, Joe Cinnadella. Throughout the book, many of these characters frequently make important decisions using prophetic messages they interpret from the I Ching, a Chinese cultural import. Many characters are also reading a widely banned yet extremely popular new novel, The Grasshopper Lies Heavy, which depicts an alternate history in which the Allies won World War II in 1945, a concept that amazes and intrigues its readers.

Frink reveals that the Wyndam-Matson Corporation has been supplying Childan with counterfeit antiques, which works to blackmail Wyndam-Matson for money to finance Frink's new jewelry venture. Tagomi and Baynes meet, but Baynes repeatedly delays any real business as they await an expected third party from Japan. Suddenly, the public receives news of the death of the Chancellor of Germany, Martin Bormann, after a short illness. Childan tentatively, on consignment, takes some of Frink's "authentic" new metalwork and attempts to curry favour with a Japanese client, who surprisingly considers Frink's jewelry immensely spiritually alive. Juliana and Joe take a road trip to Denver, Colorado and Joe impulsively decides they should go on a side-trip to meet the mysterious Hawthorne Abendsen, author of The Grasshopper Lies Heavy, who supposedly lives in a guarded fortress-like estate called the "High Castle" in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Soon, Joseph Goebbels is announced as the new German Chancellor.

Intermediate. (These are the books to pick up once you have the basics of what makes a PKD novel down. They’re obtuse enough to hit a little heavier, but don’t provide the full dose of surrealism Dick was capable of serving up. This is also good spot to jump in if you’ve experienced weird fiction before.)

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - The novel is set in a dystopian version of 1988, following a Second Civil War which led to the collapse of the United States' democratic institutions. The National Guard ("nats") and US police force ("pols") reestablished social order through instituting a dictatorship, with a "Director" at the apex, and police marshals and generals as operational commanders in the field. Resistance to the regime is largely confined to university campuses, where radicalized former university students eke out a desperate existence in subterranean kibbutzim. Recreational drug use is widespread, and the age of consent has been lowered to twelve. The black population has almost been rendered extinct. Most commuting is undertaken by personal aircraft, allowing great distances to be covered in little time.

The novel begins with the protagonist, Jason Taverner, a singer, hosting his weekly TV show which has an audience of 30 million viewers. His special guest is his girlfriend Heather Hart, also a singer. Both Hart and Taverner are "Sixes", members of an elite class of genetically engineered humans. While leaving the studio, Taverner is telephoned by a former lover, who asks him to pay her a visit. When Taverner arrives at her apartment, the former lover attacks him by throwing a parasitic life-form at him. Although he manages to remove most of the life-form, parts of it are left inside him. After being rescued by Hart, he is taken to a medical facility.

Waking up the following day in a seedy hotel with no identification, Taverner becomes worried, as failure to produce identification at one of the numerous police checkpoints would lead to imprisonment in a forced labor camp. Through a succession of phone calls made from the hotel to colleagues and friends who now claim not to know him, Taverner establishes that he is no longer recognized by the outside world. He soon manages to bribe the hotel's clerk into taking him to Kathy Nelson, a forger of government documents. However, Kathy reveals that both she and the clerk are police informants, and that the lobby clerk has placed a microscopic tracking device on him. She promises not to turn Taverner over to the police on the condition that he spend the night with her. Although he attempts to escape, Kathy confronts him again after he has successfully passed a police checkpoint using the forged identity cards. Feeling in her debt, he accompanies Kathy to her apartment block, where Inspector McNulty, Kathy's police handler, is waiting. McNulty has located Taverner via the tracking device the hotel lobby clerk placed on him, and instructs Taverner to come with him to the 469th Precinct police station so that further biometric identity checks can be performed.

Time out of Joint - Ragle Gumm lives in the year 1959 in a quiet American suburb. His unusual profession consists of repeatedly winning the cash prize in a local newspaper contest called "Where Will The Little Green Man Be Next?". Gumm's 1959 has some differences from ours: the Tucker car is in production, AM/FM radios are scarce to non-existent, and Marilyn Monroe is a complete unknown. As the novel opens, strange things begin to happen to Gumm. A soft-drink stand disappears, replaced by a small slip of paper with the words "SOFT-DRINK STAND" printed on it in block letters. Intriguing little pieces of the real 1959 turn up: a magazine article on Marilyn Monroe, a telephone book with non-operational exchanges listed and radios hidden away in someone else's house. People with no apparent connection to Gumm, including military pilots using aircraft transceivers, refer to him by name. Few other characters notice these or experience similar anomalies; the sole exception is Gumm's supposed brother-in-law, Victor "Vic" Nielson, in whom he confides. A neighborhood woman, Mrs. Keitelbein, invites him to a civil defense class where he sees a model of a futuristic underground military factory. He has the unshakeable feeling he's been inside that building many times before.

Confusion gradually mounts for Gumm. His neighbor Bill Black knows far more about these events than he admits, and, observing this, begins worrying: "Suppose Ragle [Gumm] is becoming sane again?" In fact, Gumm does become sane, and the deception surrounding him (erected to protect and exploit him) begins to unravel

Ubik - By the year 1992, humanity has colonized the Moon and psychic powers are common. The protagonist, Joe Chip, is a debt-ridden technician working for Runciter Associates, a "prudence organization" employing "inertials"—people with the ability to negate the powers of telepaths and "precogs"—to enforce the privacy of clients. The company is run by Glen Runciter, assisted by his deceased wife Ella who is kept in a state of "half-life", a form of cryonic suspension that allows the deceased limited consciousness and ability to communicate. While consulting with Ella, Runciter discovers that her consciousness is being invaded by another half-lifer named Jory Miller

Difficult. (This section comes with a caveat: within these novels you will encounter numerous hallucinations, drug trips, an entire trilogy about gnostic spirituality and mental illness, and more than a little unabashed nightmare fuel. It’s normal to get tangled up in what goes on in these books. It’s also normal to be weirded out. But with proper grounding, you’ll make it though with your faculties intact. Probably.)

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch - The story begins in a future world where global temperatures have risen so high that in most of the world it is unsafe to be outside without special cooling gear during daylight hours. In a desperate bid to preserve humanity and ease population burdens on Earth, the UN has initiated a "draft" for colonizing the nearby planets, where conditions are so horrific and primitive that the unwilling colonists have fallen prey to a form of escapism involving the use of an illegal drug (Can-D) in concert with "layouts." Layouts are physical props intended to simulate a sort of alternative reality where life is easier than either the grim existence of the colonists in their marginal off-world colonies, or even Earth, where global warming has progressed to the point that Antarctica is prime vacation resort territory. The illegal drug Can-D allows people to "share" their experience of the "Perky Pat" (the name of the main female character in the simulated world) layouts. This "sharing" has caused a pseudo-religious cult or series of cults to grow up around the layouts and the use of the drug.

Up to the point where the novel begins, New York City-based Perky Pat (or P.P.) Layouts, Inc., has held a monopoly on this product, as well as on the illegal trade in the drug Can-D which makes the shared hallucinations possible.

The novel opens shortly after Barney Mayerson, P.P. Layouts' top precog, has received a "draft notice" from the UN for involuntary resettlement as a colonist on Mars. Mayerson is sleeping with his assistant, Roni Fugate, but remains conflicted about the divorce, which he himself initiated, from his first wife Emily, a ceramic pot artist. Meanwhile, Emily's second husband tries to sell her pot designs to P.P. Layouts as possible accessories for the Perky Pat virtual worlds—but Barney, recognizing them as Emily's, rejects them out of spite.

A Scanner Darkly - When performing his work as an undercover agent, Arctor goes by the name "Fred" and wears a "scramble suit" that conceals his identity from other officers. Then he is able to sit in a police facility and observe his housemates through "holo-scanners", audio-visual surveillance devices that are placed throughout the house. Arctor's use of the drug causes the two hemispheres of his brain to function independently or "compete". When Arctor sees himself in the videos saved by the scanners, he does not realize that it is him. Through a series of drug and psychological tests, Arctor's superiors at work discover that his addiction has made him incapable of performing his job as a narcotics agent. They do not know his identity because he wears the scramble suit, but when his police supervisor suggests to him that he might be Bob Arctor, he is confused and thinks it cannot be possible.

Donna takes Arctor to "New-Path", a rehabilitation clinic, just as Arctor begins to experience the symptoms of Substance D withdrawal. It is revealed that Donna has been a narcotics agent all along, working as part of a police operation to infiltrate New-Path and determine its funding source. Without his knowledge, Arctor has been selected to penetrate the organization. As part of the rehab program, Arctor is renamed "Bruce" and forced to participate in cruel group-dynamic games, intended to break the will of the patients

(If this one seems difficult to wrap your mind around, that's because its a fictionalized account of real events, and you may need to read about Philip's life at the time to understand the autobiographical nature of the book.)

The VALIS Trilogy

(Fictionalized account of religious experiences in PKD’s life.)

VALIS - In March, 1974, Horselover Fat (the alter-personality of Philip K. Dick) experiences visions of a pink beam of light that he calls Zebra and interprets as a theophany exposing hidden facts about the reality of our universe, and a group of others join him in researching these matters. One of their theories is that there is some kind of alien space probe in orbit around Earth, and that it is aiding them in their quest; it also aided the United States in disclosing the Watergate scandal and the resignation of Richard Nixon in August, 1974. Kevin turns his friends onto a film called Valis that contains obvious references to revelations identical to those that Horselover Fat has experienced, including what appears to be time dysfunction. The film is itself a fictional account of an alternative-universe version of Nixon ("Ferris F. Fremount") and his fall, engineered by a satellite called valis. (The plot of the fictitious film Valis was that of Dick's then-unpublished novel Radio Free Albemuth.) In seeking the film's makers, Kevin, Phil, Fat, and David—now calling themselves the Rhipidon Society—head to an estate owned by popular musician Eric Lampton and his wife Linda. They decide the goal that they have been led toward is Sophia Lampton, who is two-years old and the Messiah or incarnation of Holy Wisdom (Pistis Sophia) anticipated by some variants of Gnostic Christianity. In addition to healing Phil's schizophrenic personality split, she tells them that their conclusions about valis (which Fat had previously termed "Zebra") and reality are correct, and more importantly, that we should worship, not gods, but humanity. She dies two days later due to a laser accident caused by Brent Mini. Undeterred, Fat (who has now resurged) goes on a global search for the next incarnation of Sophia.

Dick also offers a rationalist explanation of his apparent theophany, acknowledging that it might have been visual and auditory hallucinations from either schizophrenia or drug addiction sequelae.

Characters:

Phil (Philip K. Dick): Narrator (first person), science fiction writer, author of Man in the High Castle, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, and Three Stigmata.

Horselover Fat: Narrator (third person), a schizophrenic modality of Phil himself. (Philip in Greek means "fond of horses"; dick is German for "fat".)

Gloria Knudson: Suicidal friend of Fat's who Fat is unable to save.

Kevin: Cynical friend of Fat's whose cat died running across the street, based on K. W. Jeter.

Sherri Solvig: Church-going friend of Fat's, eventually dies from lymphatic cancer.

David: Catholic friend of Fat's, based on Tim Powers.

Eric Lampton: Rock star, screenwriter, actor, a. k. a. "Mother Goose"; a fictionalised version of David Bowie.

Linda Lampton: Actress, wife of Eric Lampton.

Brent Mini: Electronic composer, a fictionalised version of Brian Eno.

Sophia Lampton: Two-year-old child (personalised incarnation of Holy Wisdom within some variants of Gnosticism), said to be the daughter of Linda Lampton and valis and the "Fifth Savior".

The Divine Invasion - After a fatal car accident on Earth, Herb Asher is placed into cryonic suspension as he waits for a spleen replacement. Clinically dead, Herb experiences lucid dreams while in suspended animation and relives the last six years of his life.

In the past, Herb lived as a recluse in an isolated dome on a remote planet in the binary star system, CY30-CY30B. Yah, a local divinity of the planet in exile from Earth, appears to Herb in a vision as a burning flame, and forces him to contact his sick female neighbor, Rybys Rommey, who happens to be terminally ill with multiple sclerosis and pregnant with Yah's child.

With the help of the immortal soul of Elijah, who takes the form of a wild beggar named Elias Tate, Herb agrees to become Rybys's legal husband and father of the unborn "savior". Together they plan to smuggle the six-month pregnant Rybys back to Earth, under the pretext of seeking help for Rybys' medical condition at a medical research facility. After being born in human form, Yah plans to confront the fallen angel Belial, who has ruled the Earth for 2000 years since the fall of Masada in the first century CE. Yah's powers, however, are limited by Belial's dominion on Earth, and the four of them must take extra precautions to avoid being detected by the forces of darkness.

Things do not go as planned. "Big Noodle", Earth's A.I. system, warns the ecclesiastical authorities in the Christian-Islamic church and Scientific Legate about the divine "invasion" and countermeasures are prepared. A number of failed attempts are made to destroy the unborn child, all of them thwarted by Elijah and Yah. After successfully making the interstellar journey back to Earth and narrowly avoiding a forced abortion, Rybys and Herb escape in the nick of time, only to be involved in a fatal taxi crash, probably due to the machinations of Belial. Rybys dies from her injuries sustained in the crash, and her unborn son Emmanuel (Yah in human form) suffers brain damage from the trauma but survives. Herb is critically injured and put into cryonic suspension until a spleen replacement can be found. Baby Emmanuel is placed into a synthetic womb, but Elias Tate manages to sneak Emmanuel out of the hospital before the church is able to kill him.

Six years pass. In a school for special children, Emmanuel meets Zina, a girl who also seems to have similar skills and talents, but acts as a surrogate teacher to Emmanuel. For four years, Zina helps Emmanuel regain his memory (the brain damage caused amnesia) and discover his true identity as Yah, creator of the universe.

When he's ready, Zina shows Emmanuel her own parallel universe. In this peaceful world, organized religion has little influence, Rybys Rommey is still alive and married to Herb Asher, and Belial is only a goat kid living in a petting zoo.

In an act of kindness, Zina and Emmanuel liberate the goat-creature from his cage, momentarily forgetting that the animal is Belial. The goat-creature finds Herb Asher and attempts to retain control of the world by possessing him and convincing him that Yahweh's creation is an ugly thing that should be shown for what it really is. Eventually Herb is saved by Linda Fox, a young singer whom he loves and who is his own personal Savior; she and the goat-creature meet and she kills it, defeating Belial. He finally discovers that this meeting happens over again for everyone in the world, and whether they choose Belial or their Savior decides if they find salvation.

Characters:

Herb Asher: audio engineer

Rybys Rommey: mother of Emmanuel, sick with MS

Yah: Yahweh

Elias Tate: Incarnation of Elijah

Emmanuel (Manny): Yah incarnated in human form

Zina Pallas: Shekhinah

Linda Fox: singer, songwriter, Yetzer Hatov

Belial: Yetzer Hara

Fulton Statler Harms: Chief prelate of the Christian-Islamic Church (C.I.C), Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church

Nicholas Bulkowsky: Communist Party Chairman, Procurator maximus of the Scientific Legate

VALIS: agent of Yahweh, disinhibiting stimulus

The Transmigration of Timothy Archer - Set in the late 1960s and 1970s, the story describes the efforts of Episcopal Bishop Timothy Archer, who must cope with the theological and philosophical implications of the newly discovered Gnostic Zadokite scroll fragments. The character of Bishop Archer is loosely based on the controversial, iconoclastic Episcopal Bishop James Pike, who in 1969 died of exposure while exploring the Judean Desert near the Dead Sea in the West Bank.

As the novel opens, it is 1980. On the day that John Lennon is shot and killed, Angel Archer visits the houseboat of Edgar Barefoot, (a guru based on Alan Watts), and reflects on the lives of her deceased relatives. During the sixties, she was married to Jeff Archer, son of the Episcopal Bishop of California Timothy Archer. She introduced Kirsten Lundborg, a friend, to her father-in law, and the two began an affair. Kirsten has a son, Bill, from a previous relationship, who has schizophrenia, although he is knowledgeable as an automobile mechanic. Tim is already being investigated for his allegedly heretical views about the Holy Ghost.

Jeff commits suicide due to his romantic obsession with Kirsten. However, after poltergeist activity, he manifests to Tim and Kirsten at a seance, also attended by Angel. Angel is skeptical about the efficacy of astrology, and believes that the unfolding existential situation of Tim and Kirsten is akin to Friedrich Schiller's German Romanticism era masterpiece, the Wallenstein trilogy (insofar as their credulity reflects the loss of rational belief in contemporary consensual reality).

The three are told that Kirsten and Tim will die. As predicted, Kirsten loses her remission from cancer, and also commits suicide after a barbiturate overdose. Tim travels to Israel to investigate whether or not a psychotropic mushroom was associated with the resurrection, but his car stalls, he becomes disoriented, falls from a cliff, and dies in the desert.

On the houseboat, Angel is reunited with Bill, Kirsten's son who has schizophrenia. He claims to have Tim's reincarnated spirit within him, but is soon institutionalized. Angel agrees to care for Bill, in return for a rare record (Koto Music by Kimio Eto) that Edgar offers her.

The Transmigration of Timothy Archer is one of Dick's most overtly philosophical and intellectual works. While Dick's novels usually employ multiple narrators or an omniscient perspective, this story is told in the first person by a single narrator: Angel Archer, Bishop Archer's daughter-in-law.

Characters:

Angel Archer: Narrator, manager of a Berkeley record store, widow of Jeff Archer.

Timothy Archer: Bishop of California; father of the late Jeff Archer and father-in-law of Angel. Dies in Israel, searching for psychotropic mushroom connected with Zadokite sect. Based on James Albert Pike, Dick's personal friend, who was an American Episcopalian bishop.

Kirsten Lundborg: Timothy Archer's secretary and lover. Dies from barbiturate overdose after loss of remission from cancer.

Bill Lundborg: Kirsten's son who has schizophrenia, and who is obsessed with cars.

Edgar Barefoot: Houseboat guru, radio personality, lecturer. Based on Alan Watts.

Jeff Archer: Son of Timothy Archer, and deceased husband of Angel. A professional student who was romantically obsessed with Kirsten.

Thank you, if you read all of this. it took me six hours today to write this all 

[olderthannetfic]

It's really surprising that you're so well versed in older fandoms and yet participate in new popular ones (that cdrama, kpop) is this by design? Im in my twenties and my interest turnover is already way slower than it used to be

You know, that’s a really interesting question. I wouldn’t say it’s by design exactly in that I do tend to just follow what strikes my fancy, and I can’t force myself to want to write fic for just anything. (I find it easier to like reading fic without serious involuntary emotional investment, but writing takes more. Vidding I can do on command most of the time, but I don’t usually bother unless I have a lot of feels or I’m fulfilling someone’s prompt.)

However, me getting into BTS was 100% due to me wanting to understand BTS enough to explain to people who weren’t very interested but wanted to know what was going on in fandom lately. Under normal circumstances, I run the dance party at Escapade, the oldest extant slash con. We borrowed vividcon’s thing of playing fanvids on the wall--all of them set to dance music--as the soundtrack for the dance party. This means I’m creating a 3-hour mixtape of fannishness, which has amazing potential to make people feel in the know about Fandom Today... and equal potential to make them feel alienated if nothing they care about shows up. Only about 100-150 people attend the con, so it really is possible to make a playlist that feels inclusive yet informative--it just takes a huge amount of work.

Every year, I do a lot of research on which fandoms are getting big and look for vids from vidders people won’t have heard of, so there is an element of consciously trying to keep up with things. Generally, I only get into these fandoms myself if I had no idea what they were and then suddenly, oops, they’re my kryptonite, like the buddy cop android plot in Detroit: Become Human, which sucked me in hard for like 6 months on the basis of a vid.

(So if you’re into cross-fandom meta and associated stuff as one of your fannish interests, you tend to have broader knowledge of different fandoms, old and new, than if you’re just looking for the next place you’ll read fic. It’s also easier to love vids for unfamiliar things than fic.)

But though I was only looking for a basic primer on BTS, BTS has 7 members with multiple names and no clear juggernaut pairing, not to mention that AU that runs through the music videos and lots of other context to explain. The barrier to understanding WTF was going on at all was high enough that to know enough to explain, I had to be thoroughly exposed... And once I was over that hurdle, oops, I had a fandom.

--

In terms of old vs. new, here’s the thing: kpop fandoms in English and c-drama fandoms in English right now feel a lot like anime fandom in English did in the early 00s. I had a Buddy Cops of the 70s phase in the middle, but my current fannishness is actually a return to my older fannishness in many ways.

What do I mean about them being similar?

Yes, I know some wanker will show up to say I think China, Korea, and Japan are indistinguishable, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the way that I used to routinely meet Italian and French and German fans, Argentinian and Mexican, Malaysian and Indonesian and Filipino too. English-language fandom of SPN or MCU may have all those fans from all those countries, but it feels very American most of the time. English-language fandom of a non-English-language canon is more overtly about using English as a lingua franca.

It also tends to attract people who as a sideline to their fannishness are getting into language learning and translation, which are my other passion in life after fanworks fandom. (I speak only English and Spanish and a bit of Japanese, but I’ve studied German, French, Russian, Mandarin, Old English, and now Korean.)

Nerds arguing about methods of language learning and which textbooks are good and why is my jam. This is all over the place in English-language fandoms of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean media. Those fandoms also tend to be full of speakers coming from a Germanic or Romance languages background who face similar hurdles in learning these languages. (In other words, if you’re a native Japanese speaker trying to learn Korean, the parts that will be hard for you are different than if you’re an English speaker, but you’re also usually not doing fandom in English.)

There’s also an element of scarcity and difficulty of access and a communal attempt to construct a canon (in the other sense) of stuff from that country that pertains to one’s fannishness. So, for example, a primer explaining the genre of xianxia is highly relevant to being a n00b Untamed fan, but just any old thing about China is not. A c-drama adapted from a danmei webnovel is perhaps part of the new pantheon of Chinese shit we’re all getting into, but just any old drama from decades ago is probably not... unless it’s a genre precursor to something else we care about. Another aspect here is that while Stuff I Can Access As A N00b Who Doesn’t Speak The Language may be relatively scarce, there’s a vast, vast wealth of stuff that exists.

This is what it felt like to be an anime fan in the US in 2000. As translation got more commercial and more crappy series were licensed and dumped onto an already glutted market, the vibe changed. No longer were fans desperately trying to learn enough of the language to translate or spending their time cataloguing what existed or making fanworks about a show they stuck with for a bit: the overall community focus turned to an endless race of consumption to keep up with all of the latest releases. That’s a perfectly valid way of being fannish, but if I wanted that, I’d binge US television 24/7.

Anime fandom got bigger, but what I liked about anime fandom in English died, and I moved on. (Okay, I first moved on to Onmyouji, which is a live action Japanese thing, but still.)

Hardcore weeaboos and now fans of Chinese and Korean stuff don’t stop at language: people get excited about cooking, my other other great passion. Times a thousand if the canon is something like The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, which is full of loving shots of food preparation. People get excited about history! Mandarin and Japanese may share almost nothing in terms of grammar or phonology, but all of East Asia has influence from specific Chinese power centers historically, and there are commonalities to historical architecture and clothing that I love.

I fell out of love with the popular anime art styles as they changed, and I’m not that into animation in general these days. (I still own a shitton of manga in art styles I like, like Okano Reiko’s Onmyouji series.) I’ve become a filmmaker over the last decade, and I’m very excited about beautiful cinematography and editing. With one thing and another, I’m probably not going to get back into anime fandom, but it’s lovely to revisit the cultural aspects I enjoyed about it via live-action media.

BTS surprised me too, to be honest. I really dislike that early 90s R&B ballad style that infests idol music (not just Korean--believe me, I resisted many rounds of “But Johnny’s Entertainment though!” back in the day). While I like some of the dance pop, I just don’t care. But OH NO, BTS turn out to be massive conscious hip hop fanboys, and their music sounds different. I have some tl;dr about my reactions in the meta I wrote about one of my fanvids, which you can find on Dreamwidth here.

--

But back to your comment about turnover: I know fans from the 70s who’ve had one great fannish love and that’s it and more who were like that but eventually moved on to a second or third. They’re... really fannishly monogamous in a way I find hard to comprehend. It was the norm long ago, but even by the 90s when far more people were getting into fandom, it was seen as a little weird. By now, with exponentially more people in fandom, it’s almost unheard of. I think those fans still exist, even as new people joining, but we don’t notice them. They were always rare, but in the past, only people like that had the stamina to get over the barriers to entry and actually become the people who made zines or were willing to be visibly into fanfic in eras when that was seen as really weird. On top of that, there’s an element of me, us, judging the past by what’s left: only people with an intense and often single passion are visible because other people either drifted away or have seamlessly disappeared into some modern fandom. They don’t say they’re 80 or 60 or 40 instead of 20, so nobody knows.

In general, I’m a small fandoms and rare ships person. My brain will do its best to thwart me by liking whatever has no fic even in a big fic fandom... (Except BTS because there is literally fic for any combination of them, like even more than for the likes of MCU. Wow. Best fandom evar!) So I have an incentive to not get complacent and just stick with one fandom because I would very soon have no ability to be in fandom at all.

My appetite for Consuming All The Things has slowed way down, but it also goes in waves, and a lot of what I’m consuming is what I did back in 2000: journal articles and the limited range of English-language books on the history of m/m sex and romance in East Asia. It’s not so much that I have a million fandoms as that I’m watching a few shows as an expression of my interest in East Asian costume dramas and East Asian history generally.

I do like to sit with one thing and experience it deeply rather than moving on quickly, but the surface expression of this has changed depending on whether I’m more into writing fic or more into doing research or something else.

But yes, I do do a certain amount of trying to stay current, often as a part of research for fandom meta or to help other people know what’s going on. Having a sense of what’s big doesn’t automatically mean getting into all those things, but I think some fans who are older-in-fandom and/or older-in-years stop being open to even hearing what’s new. And if you’ve never heard of it, you’ll never know if you might have liked it.

[imreallyhereforkataang]

hello, i don’t know who to ask about this but i’m new to the fandom and saw that you really like kataang. what’s your interpretation of katara’s glance down after the kiss before the invasion? i’m not a fan of the surprise kiss trope but even with that said, i had thought she liked him back. it didn’t seem like she did at that point or through the rest of book 3, and then next thing we knew they were endgame in the finale. sorry for being a bother, i’m just a little confused (like katara i guess haha)

Hi, Anon! Welcome to the fandom! Hopefully it treats you nicely lol.

Ah yeah. I've seen this talked about a lot over the years. And, y'know, I get it. It can seem a little out-of-place at first since, as you noted, Katara shows signs of being romantically interested in Aang beforehand, and now that they've had their second kiss, she doesn't look too happy about it. As someone who ships them, I initially would have loved to see them happy in that moment, to take another minute to themselves just to share grins and maybe laugh a bit because they've taken that step, put their feelings out into the open, and they're both glad for it. To a shipper, or to someone who's rooting for our protagonist to express his feelings, this does feel like a celebratory moment. I'm taken out of the context of the scene for a second because the pretty music has shot in and I'm still surprised at Aang's move and I'm happy to see an actual, mutual (as Katara leans in) kiss between them.  

Then again, this situation is a lot realer for them than it is for me. I'm the viewer, I can hear The Cave of Two Lovers' theme, I can see this being painted in a positive light because we see these two come together for a brief moment, and the narrative is, in a sense, praising that. In-universe, though, it's a bit more complicated, and Katara looking sad really isn't so out-of-place.

Remember where they are and what they're doing, what they were saying moments before and what they're about to risk. For them, this is the quiet before the storm, their possibly final goodbye. Aang is about to fly off and face his destiny, confront what he's been training for over most of the year, "since the day we met" as Katara puts it, and determine the fate of the world based on whether he wins or loses. Whether he comes back or not. And he puts the reality of the situation out there. "What if...what if I don't come back?" It's the threat of that possibility that spurs him to kiss Katara. And she figures as much.

Despite the music suggesting otherwise, this isn't a happy scene (and perhaps that's why we don't get the full score until the finale, because this kiss is only foreshadowing what could be). It's tense, and bittersweet, and pretty tragic imo. Aang knows he could die. He says so. And then he kisses her. And I feel like Katara breaking out into a great big smile in that moment, even though she does have feelings for him, would just seem off. Idk, personally I'm not sure how you (impersonal) can celebrate finally kissing the person you like when you remember that what drove them to make their move just now is the very real possibility they might never see you again. That they're about to leave and face that risk, and there's nothing for you to do about it. Seems like an upsetting situation to be in. 

There's also the fact that I'm skeptical Katara didn't already know Aang had feelings for her. I'm not saying it was always on her mind or that she paid much attention to it, she may have been putting all that stuff on the back burner or pretending it wasn't there as much as it was (including her own feelings) to focus on more important things, but I think she at least knew it subconsciously. I mean, Aang's not very subtle sometimes lol, and they've shared plenty of moments. So when Aang kisses her and Katara jerks back and her eyes widen in surprise, it's not because she didn't expect Aang to have these feelings (at least imo), but because she was in the middle of talking and is taken aback that Aang broke the unspoken barrier between them. 

They're touchy feely throughout the show. Katara's kissed him on the cheek plenty of times, they've even kissed on the lips before now. They have sparks, and they've been dancing around them quite a lot, from the Book 3 premiere at the latest. But they haven't gone that extra step to put it out there too far, where there's no mistaking the meaning behind these gestures. I think, on Katara's end, she would have been okay with putting off making any official moves for a while, given the war and several other possible factors preventing her from feeling able to spend too much conscious thought and emotion on it, and so she's surprised that Aang's kissed her because they'd been keeping their more romantic intentions implicit up until then. She won't be realizing afterwards or celebrating in her head that "omg, the guy I('ve sorta been avoiding my feelings for but actually do) like likes me back," because she’s known this, but it’s been left unsaid and kept slightly quiet in Katara's musings. Now, it's out there in the open, they're past the safe zone, there's little room for ignoring the feelings anymore, and it sucks so much that they had to make their way there now. It's such tragic timing, a kiss that doesn't stem from a smiles and rainbows conversation where they sit down to talk about their feelings and where they want to go from there, but a kiss done out of desperation, out of the possibility that Aang doesn't come back. Through that lens, it's almost like they kissed "too early," especially for what happens next.

See, my impression is that Aang's kiss was meant for two possible scenarios -- Aang loses and thus doesn't come back, which means there's obviously no future for him and Katara. Alternatively, the day is won, the war is over, he comes back and the world is finally at peace; they can stop running, they can celebrate and breathe and talk about where they're going from here in an environment more appropriate for that. And since Katara kissed him back, it seems like she affirmed that there's something there for them, given he returns. But instead, something happens that I don't think they anticipated. Aang does come back, but he didn't win. So, in terms of Katara and Aang, they're now at a bit of an impasse, a situation that their kiss wasn't intended for, and it leads to this semi-awkward limbo because Aang's still alive but ideally that kiss between them wouldn't have happened yet. 

Everyone needs to regroup, start it all over again, keep grinding and come up with a new plan. There's no time to get sidetracked, now more than ever. And, to me, that's reflective of what happens to Katara after Aang kisses her and takes off from the sub.

Katara's reaction is to dwell on the kiss. She wants to, but Sokka reminds her that there's no time to. So Katara snaps herself out of it, and she moves on. And then they survive the Day of Black Sun, but the fight isn't over for them yet.

You asked about the DoBS kiss, so I'm not gonna waste your time hyper-analyzing Ember Island Players because there is a lot that's been offered and discussed about that episode. But if you were to simplify the reason for Katara's stance there, it's pretty much just holding up what was established in DoBS.

At the Invasion, while caught up in surprise because she had an expectation that they wouldn't broach the subject this way, if at all, for a while, Katara kissed Aang back, and she kissed him back because she wanted to. But since then, she's had more time to think, and she won't be so caught off guard next time. Aang expresses during EIP that he wants to try a relationship with Katara sooner rather than later, and that he'd thought she felt the same since she kissed him back (as well as the moments they shared before), but Katara is adamant now about this not being the right time. She fully intends to keep her head in the game, like Sokka reminded her at the Invasion. That's essentially what she thinks Aang needs to remember now, too (and yeah, like I said, there are other ideas that can be brought in that contribute to the articulation, but this is the primary point being conveyed here).

Whatever the reason, her response causes Aang to reevaluate his conclusion about where they stand. Even though the war isn't over, he thought that, because he survived and Katara accepted his kiss before, maybe they could try anyways. But Katara still feels stuck in limbo, and she makes that clear. It's also significant to note that Katara doesn't make Aang any promises about being together after the war, which imo was a good move on the writers' part (I have a wip about this but idk when that'll be done lol). Anyways, Aang backs off, following her lead and putting romance aside.

I do want to talk about the second half of Book 3 as a whole, though, not just EIP. I've seen people criticize this portion of the story in terms of Kataang, but I think that, besides the substance of these episodes, it's important to keep in mind that the last 10 episodes of the series (The Western Air Temple and on) originally aired 7.5 months after Day of Black Sun. Not only that, but these episodes all aired within the same week. It was a big, hyped-up event on Nickelodeon dubbed "Countdown to the Comet," and it took place over the course of 6 days. That sort of schedule for finishing a show is...unusual. But it was also intentional here. 

Even though the episodes don't have to be watched that way, the final 10 episodes are, in a way, all together the final big bang of the series. They're majorly dedicated to the most critical elements of the main story, including Zuko finally, after 2.5 seasons, joining the gaang and him finding his place in it. I'd say that The Western Air Temple to The Southern Raiders are most generally about that, about Zuko being accepted and making amends especially to the original three members of the gaang (who he's hurt much more than Toph). The viewer is gratified by watching Zuko do what we all hoped for him, forming relationships with Aang, Sokka, and Katara after all this time, merging our most important A and B plots. The other major things the last 10 episodes are for are the final battle, of course, because that's going to be our conclusion to this journey, and Aang's preparation for it.   

So yes, onscreen interactions between Aang and Katara are fewer, but by no means does that make the rest of Book 3 an undoing of what they have. All their setup has been established, we're good on that, and we're going to leave that relatively be for now while we delve into the action until we're ready to revisit. And besides, imo, they still have extremely critical moments in the last 10 episodes that I am deeply, deeply happy exist. They're more subtle and less explicitly romantic -- a lot of them take place when they're not even around each other, but they speak volumes to me about how Aang and Katara have influenced each other, and how important the other is to them.

These 10 episodes are like a refocus of our largest priorities, and Kataang coming together is put on hold (again, I think that benefits the main story) for the end. But even though we watch less scenes where they're together, with more scenes of Zuko joining and hanging out with each of them individually in place, there's hardly indication of Katara and Aang avoiding each other after their DoBS kiss, or even post-EIP. 

They're still friends first. What they're avoiding is not each other, but a new possibility for themselves, because right now they're choosing to ground their feet in what they have. Basically, around each other, they're pretending what unfolded between them never happened until, possibly, on Katara's say so, it's appropriate to resume that aspect of their relationship.

And after the war, probably into a few months of peace (based on the state of Sokka's leg), she decided it was. She felt ready, and they dove right in.

I hope that clears things up! And don't worry, you weren't a bother at all! I love talking about these two, but unfortunately I became really busy the past couple days (plus this response got deleted and I couldn't salvage it because I saved a copy of a cursed screenshot of Aang and ig it was scary enough to erase my clipboard history :3). Thanks for your patience lol!

[sasuhinasno1fan]

Taste like love- Adrein AUGreste Day 6

So back when the @lukadrienvault discord was active, one of the aus we came up with was a Sabine as Ladybug au. Sabine would pretty much adopt Adrien and we decided that for the Bubbler episode, she’d find out it was Chat’s birthday and would do something to celebrate it, which would mean a lot to Adrien. So I went with this. According to native french speakers, there are 2 sides to pastries in France so cakes and such count. I think of pastries as a bit different but I still think it counts. It is mostly in Sabine’s point of veiw, but Adrien is still the main focus in a way. Anyway, enjoy. Pastry

Sabine stretched, feeling bones click and crack. Goodness, as Piáo Chóng, she definitely felt younger, but apparently going up against a guy with bubbles was a lot more intensive than she thought. Chat stood next to her, struggling to stifle down a laugh. She knew it wasn’t because of her, she’d been cracking like this since they started working together.

“What is it?”

“He looked like he had a dildo on his head.” Was all he said before he burst into laughter.

She realised he was speaking about their latest Akuma victim. She knew Nino, had been in class with Marinette for a long time. He’d been the one to help her get into the babysitting business. She knew he had a good heart and the fact that he was upset because his own best friend wasn’t allowed to celebrate his birthday truly said something about him.

With a budding fashion designer as a daughter, she was used to seeing the yays and nays of fashion. There were many nays that Akumas would wear that made her question the type of person Hawkmoth was. Did he have any sense of costuming?

“I thought it was a bubble wand.” She tried saying diplomatically.

“It was a dildo. Oh my god, that was the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Best birthday present ever.”

“What?”

Chat wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “that was the best thing-”

“No,” she interrupted. “Chat, it’s your birthday today?”

“Yeah. Sweet Sixteen I guess you could say.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

The black cat shrugged like it was no big deal but Sabine could see the sadness in those green eyes. “Didn’t think it mattered.” His ring started to beep. She was still forgetting he had a time limit while she didn’t. “I gotta get going. I don’t think we’ll have to deal with media so close to the Agreste Mansion. I’ll see you later madame bug!”

Sabine watched as Chat took off, trying to wrap her head around what Chat told her. It was his birthday and he didn’t think anyone would care. In fact, based on the look in his eyes, no one had.

                                      ___________________

Flipping through their recipe book, Sabine looked at her husband. When they started dating and his father didn’t approve, he stopped coming to celebrate his son’s birthday. Gina couldn’t be by as often so it was usually them and friends. He’d have a smile, but she could see how upset his father’s absence would make Tom. He had this look in his eyes. Chat’s was similar. She’s always done her best to keep a smile on Tom’s face when his birthday came around and it got easier when Marinette was born. She believed that birthdays should be spent with a smile and with people who cared. She didn’t know anything about Chat’s life, but she wanted him to know that she’d always care about when his birthday was.

“Tom?”

“Yes dear?” he looked up from the beef wellington he was preparing for dinner. “More tea?”

She looked at her half empty glass, that had been waiting for her when she got back from stopping the Akuma. There was always tea waiting for her, even though she never said a word to Tom about her new side job. Did Chat have someone to make him tea when he got back to his home? Probably not, and it strengthen her desire to do something for him.

“I have this, friend. I just found out it’s his birthday. It sounds like he never planned on anyone knowing or that if they did, they didn’t care.”

“Should we invite him for dinner?”

How would she explain that? Chat coming over probably wouldn’t bother Tom, but explaining that to Marinette wouldn’t be easy.

“Um, I don’t think so. He’s a little shy. I was hoping to make him something. I could do cake, but I want to do something else too.”

“Well, those lunch box cakes have been getting popular. And maybe a mix of macarons? Is he allergic to anything?”

“Just feathers. He did mention he loves passion fruit.”

“Perfect, I just got passion fruit in today. I don’t know if I’ll finish all of it by tonight though. We have that massive order.”

“You worry about the order. I’ll take care of the desserts.” She reassured.

“If you say so. Hope I get to meet this guy soon.”

Sabine smiled to herself, knowing that Tom would take Chat under his wing when they met. They both loved puns and had big hearts. “I think you’ll like him.”

                                           ______________________

Adrien let his steel toed boot knock into the wall of the building he was sitting on. When Plagg said Piáo Chóng had left a message for him, hours before their planned patrol, he’d been worried. When it was a voice mail of her telling him to meet at their favourite building to sit at when patrol was over an hour before patrol started, he was confused. She sounded fine, so there couldn’t be an issue. He could worry about it but he was still riding the high of getting a different present from his dad.

“Hello māo.” Adrien looked up to see Piáo Chóng land on the roof, her hands behind her back.

“Madame bug. So why did you want to meet so early?” he asked, standing up, towering over her slightly.

She took her hands from behind her back and handed him a takeaway box from the Dupain Boulangerie Patisserie. He gently took it and with her nod, used his claw to break the sticker and open it. Sitting inside was a chocolate iced lunchbox cake with two macarons sitting on the top. One had a green paw print and the other had a cat icon on it.

“I would have gone with black icing but I know it stains the teeth and thought you’d like to not spend half an hour getting off. Oh, almost forgot.” She pulled her out from her sleeve and opened it pulling out a candle and match from the subspace pocket. She stuck the candle in and using the edge of the yoyo lit the match. Once everything was ready, she started to clap her hands in time with her singing.

Joyeux anniversaire

Joyeux anniversaire

Joyeux anniversaire Chat Noir

Joyeux anniversaire

“Joyeux anniversaire, avec un peu de retard. Happy belated birthday māo.”

Adrien stood there stunned, looking down at the spotted hero, who smiled back up at him.

“What?”

“It was your birthday yesterday, yes? You told me so late, I didn’t get a chance to wish you a happy birthday.”

“So you got me a cake?”

“I made you one. It matters to me that it’s your birthday māo. Everyone should have a smile and I wanted to make sure you had one. I hope you like it. I’m a bit better with Chinese deserts, but I’m not very good at mooncakes.”

“No, no.” Adrien said, waving it off, eyes stinging. He couldn’t believe she did all this. “It’s perfect. I actually prefer chocolate icing. I don’t get sweets very often.”

“Oh, that’s good. Blow your candle out before wax melts on it. I have more macarons, but those are the only ones I was able to do a stamp for. I have no clue how my husband does it.”

Adrien thought a little of what he wanted, but it was hard when he seemed to have so much just then. So he blew his candle out, wishing that this feeling wouldn’t end soon. He let out a small sniff and smiled. “Thank you, maman bug.”

Wait, did he just? Call her mom? The surprised look on her face said yes and he felt his face go red and he started to panic when she reached up and patted his head, like she’d do to calm him down. it always felt like when his mom would do it when he was a kid.

“Your very welcome my son.”

Oh god, he was gonna cry into his cake.

He did cry a little and Piáo Chóng used her long sleeves to wipe them away before offering him a fork. Pastries and cakes and such weren’t something he got to eat often with the many diets his father had him on but this one was more than just sweet. It was warm from the love he felt.

[ghostinthelibrarywrites]

Downward Goat (Part 6/10)

(Part One) (Part Two) (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five)

Summary:  Eskel pulls a muscle in his back, and Jaskier has a solution– private yoga lessons.

Nothing really changes between Jaskier and Eskel after the family dinner, besides Jaskier asking after Eskel’s family every time they see each other and everyone giving Eskel a hard time for not inviting Jaskier back. Eskel ignores their good-natured jabs and focuses on the upcoming autumn, which will bring with it Deidre’s latest scheme— a Fall Festival that will probably be lucrative, but a lot of damn work. He’s busy, too busy to spend time worrying about the leggings Jaskier is wearing.

So when he wakes up with a terrible pain in his lower back about a month after the family dinner, his first reaction is: I don’t fucking have time for this. He gets up, pops some aspirin, and tries to continue with business as usual.

Three days later, he can barely bend over.

“What’s wrong with you?” Deidre asks him when the simple act of picking up a bucket of feed causes Eskel to grimace in pain.

“Want the list?”

“I’d say yes, but I get off at 5.”

It’s 10 AM. Eskel wonders what it would be like to have an employee who respects him. Probably real fucking boring. “Hurt my back somehow.”

“You should go get a massage.”

The thought of some stranger rubbing oil all over him makes Eskel’s skin crawl. “No thanks.”

“Have you tried stretching?”

“It will go away on its own.”

“Sure, because waiting for a problem to go away is always the best solution,” Deidre says in a carefully patient voice that makes Eskel think of his kindergarten teacher. “If only we had someone here five days a week who is an expert at stretching.”

“Don’t think yoga’s going to help a sore back.”

“Why not? Half the people in Jaskier’s class have a bad shoulder or a bum foot or something. If yoga helps them, it would probably help you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Eskel doesn’t need to be looking at Deidre to know she rolls her eyes.

***

Eskel doesn’t get a chance to think about it, because on Wednesday night, the Wine and Yoga evening is wrapping up when there’s a knock on Eskel’s front door. Eskel, who typically stays away from the Wine and Yoga nights—at nine years sober, seeing other people drink no longer bothers him, but he chooses not to risk it— answers reluctantly, expecting to find someone looking for a bathroom or needing a wine bottle opener. Instead, he finds Jaskier, wearing a pair of light blue yoga pants decorated with images of peaches.

Fuck, this is how Eskel dies.

“I hear you’re having back problems,” Jaskier says by way of greeting.

Eskel groans. “Deidre?”

“And Triss, Yennefer, and Aiden. Four separate people told me tonight that you might be in need of some private yoga lessons. Come on, then.”

Eskel feels his face go hot. “I told you, yoga isn't my thing.”

“It doesn’t have to be your thing,” Jaskier says. “It will just be me and you. No one is around to judge you. Except for Lil Bleater, and I think she would do that anyway.”

Eskel snorts and looks down at his loose-fitting pajama bottoms and t-shirt. “Not really dressed for it.”

“You’re dressed just fine. Though I do have an extra pair of leggings in the car, if you want to try them on.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

“Shame.” Jaskier’s gaze flickers over him. “I’d like to see you in them.”

Eskel’s mind briefly fills with static, which must be how Jaskier manages to convince him. Somehow, he finds himself walking towards the tent with Jaskier. It’s a clear night, with the nip in the air that tells him that autumn is quickly approaching. The tent is empty, save for Jaskier’s bright purple, sparkly yoga mat still set up in the front of the tent, with a second yoga mat with the Downward Goat logo on it next to it.

“Stand there.” Jaskier points to the Downward Goat yoga mat. “And take off your shoes.”

Eskel complies. The yoga mat is soft and slightly squishy under his feet. “What now?”

“Where exactly are you in pain?”

“Lower back.”

Jaskier nods, going to stand on his own yoga mat. “We carry a lot of tension in our backs, especially people who do a lot of heavy lifting like you. Let’s start with an easy triangle pose.”

Eskel doesn’t know what a triangle pose is, but it doesn’t sound easy. Still, he follows Jaskier’s lead, spreading his legs wide and holding his arms out. He’s very aware of his bulk compared to Jaskier’s lean frame— his broad shoulders, his bulky arms, his belly that’s just a bit rounder than he would like. Jaskier is all grace and poise. Eskel… isn’t.

“I can tell that you’re getting lost in your own head,” Jaskier says. “Try to clear your mind. Focus on your breathing.”

Eskel doesn’t know how anyone is supposed to clear their mind when Jaskier is in front of them, looking absolutely delicious in those leggings, but he does his best. If he finds himself craving peaches, well, Jaskier doesn’t have to know.

“How does that feel?” Jaskier asks, voice low and soothing.

“Fine.” Eskel can feel a stretch in his back, but it’s not painful exactly.

“Good. Get down on your hands and knees.”

Eskel swallows thickly.

Jaskier’s smile has a wicked edge to it, like he knows exactly what he’s doing. “We’re going to try some cat-cow pose.”

Eskel lets Jaskier talk him through the pose, which feels a bit silly, but he’s certainly not complaining when it involves Jaskier sticking his ass in the air. Jaskier talks him through a few more poses, until he has Eskel lie on his back and do a bridge pose. Eskel is so focused on the pose that he doesn’t notice that Jaskier is approaching until the other man is kneeling next to him.

“May I?” Jaskier asks.

“Sure.” Eskel isn’t sure what he’s agreeing too, but Jaskier is close enough that Eskel can feel the warmth of his body and smell the spice of his aftershave.

Jaskier slides his hand under Eskel’s back and lifts him up a couple of centimetres, increasing the stretch. “How does that feel?”

Jaskier’s fingers are surprisingly long and strong. “Nice.”

“Good,” Jaskier says huskily. “How’s your back?”

“A little better.” It’s still sore, but the pain is less immediate.

“Try doing this every day for a week. If it doesn’t help, you should go see a doctor. Don’t make that face. You’re at an age where you really shouldn’t mess around with back issues.”

“You see, now that I know you’re not that much younger than me, that isn’t that offensive.”

Jaskier chuckles. “I think that’s enough for the night. You don’t want to overdo it.”

Eskel feels a pang of disappointment as Jaskier withdraws his hand. When he sits up, he finds Jaskier watching him with a little smile curling his lip.

“You’re wrong, you know,” Jaskier says. “Yoga is absolutely your thing.”

Eskel snorts. “Hardly. I can’t move like you can.”

“Different bodies have different capabilities. There’s nothing wrong with that. I bet you can perform feats of strength I could never dream of.”

Eskel snorts. “Feats of strength?”

“You know, like lifting hay bales and other farmer-ish things.”

“You haven’t spent much time on farms, have you, Jaskier?”

“Eskel, do I look like someone who spends a lot of time on farms?”

Eskel grimaces. “I feel like that’s a trick question.”

Jaskier laughs. “I do like it here, though. It’s peaceful. It always amazes me how many stars you can see outside the city. One of these nights, I’m going to be so busy looking at them, I’m going to drive right off the road.”

“Don’t do that. Your car may actually disintegrate on impact, according to Geralt.”

“I’m not a car expert, but that seems unlikely.”

Eskel chuckles, watching as Jaskier starts to roll up his yoga mat. The thought of Jaskier leaving sends a surge of regret through Eskel and he finds himself saying, “I could make tea, if you want to stick around for a bit.”

Jaskier turns to him with a brilliant smile. “I would like that.”

***

Next time: Jaskier stays for tea.

@sternenstaub28 @tsukiwolf42 @maya-the-yellow-bee @eyesofshinigami @wrenbug @buttercupsanddandelions @dragonheart905 @atahensic @myidlehand @aqueersighttoseeindeed  @frenchkey @goldandlights @anythinggoesfandoms @frywen-babbles  @marvagon @wellthisstinks @patchworkgargoyle @aelsirionscorner @samukai @thenameislion-dandelion (sorry, friends, it still won’t let me tag you!) 

[thatmultifandomhoe]

Knitting You a Home - 5

Pairing: Wolf Hybrid Namjoon and Human Reader

Word Count: 2,745

Genre/Rating: Hybrid AU - Established Relationship - Angst - Fluff - Smut - PG-13

Overview: Things have changed for you and Namjoon. It’s been a year since the two of you got together, and despite a rocky start, it was impossible to deny the bond and love you shared for each other. But ever since Hoseok had been separated from his Mate, Namjoon has been withdrawing himself from you and doesn’t come home until late at night.

With questions far larger than either of you imagined, you can’t help but wonder if he’s let his past and old fears come back to haunt him. You had shown him that it was possible to have a home and be loved once before, but will you be able to do it again?

Warning: None

Playlist:

Main Master List:

Knitting You a Home Master List:

Mated Love is Never Easy Series Master List:

Sneak Peak - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - ?

©thatmultifandomhoe Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without permission.

The outside world faded away from Namjoon as he sat in his studio, scratching out lines that he’d previously written, trying to find another way that explained the way he was feeling that flowed with the song.

He had been like this for the last several hours, biding his time as Yoongi and him waited for the artist to arrive and listen to the tracks they had prepared, and to give them the input they needed on that one song.

“You know, as nice and passionate as he seems to be about his music,” Yoongi murmured, scrolling through his phone like he had been for the last few hours. “I really hate it when people are late and don’t bother to call and give a heads up.”

Namjoon hummed in agreement, not even bothering to check the time. Instead, he chewed on his bottom lip, sighing as he once again drew a harsh black line. The page had slowly filled in with more crossed out lyrics than when he started rewriting it this morning.

He had felt bad leaving you in bed this morning, again. Like clockwork, he’d leave the house by seven thirty to guarantee he’d make it to the bus stop to get to work ten minutes before eight, but this morning had been different. Those few moments you shared when he did crawl into bed hadn’t happened this time, and it left him feeling off centered. You had ended your day not knowing if he came home, and were going to start it off waking up and wondering if he had come home.

Then he ended up not being able to go visit you during his lunch break, because by a stroke of luck, Yoongi had called him over to Genius Studio to go over an idea he had on the unspeakable song. They had nicknamed it that when the rapper turned down another version that they had for it this morning.

It was only a quick and short text that he was able to send to you before going over to Yoongi’s studio, feeling even guiltier. If his math was correct, then you hadn’t seen him since yesterday at lunch. Which was one thing if the two of you lived in separate houses and were only dating, but you lived with each other, shared the same bed, your paths should have crossed more than once.

Not hearing a reply from Namjoon, Yoongi lifted his head, shifting on the couch to see that his friend was still leaned back in his chair. His feet were propped up on the drawer of his desk with the notebook against his legs.

Yoongi’s tail lightly thumped against the couch – not even Namjoon’s ears flicked in his direction – and he glanced at the time. It wasn’t late like yesterday, only eight, but just like the other day he wanted Namjoon to go home. He was concerned about his friend and thought that he needed to get away from the studio and spend some time with you.

Maybe by being with you, Namjoon would realize that it didn’t matter whether there was a ring on your finger, or a Mate Mark on your neck, you were the love of his life and he was yours, and that was all that mattered.

“Mixtape?” He finally asked, curious as to which project Namjoon was working on.

Namjoon nodded, finally turning to the next clean page to write out what he had. Maybe if it wasn’t surrounded by scribbles and cross outs, he’d be able to figure out the next few lines before the chorus.

Namjoon reached out and tapped on his phone out of habit, curious if you had messaged him. The lock screen photo made him smile, taking a moment to admire it before going to his messages. It was from the morning after one of his heats and naturally, he had woken up before you. Sunlight had streamed through the curtains, highlighting your body in an otherworldly glow as you slept. The only adjustment he had made was when he brushed your hair off your neck, revealing the – at the time – Mate Mark that was only a couple days old.

It was a picture that relaxed and sent a wave of pride through him. While the day that you officially adopted him was one of the happiest days of his life, this particular moment in time was forever ingrained in his heart. He had found the one person meant for him.

When he finally pulled up his messages, he smiled as he saw an unread text from you.

From Angel:

Don’t worry about it Joonie! I have some news to tell you when you come home, so I’ll see you tonight. Love you!

He hoped you hadn’t gone overboard with dinner, but knowing you, you probably dug out the cookbooks and decided to try a new recipe. Without a doubt there’d be a plate fixed up for him waiting in the fridge for him when he came home. The gesture was sweet and while he was thankful for you thinking of him, it only made him want to come home at a normal time to eat it with you, when it was done cooking.

A knocking at the door captured his attention, forcing him to slide his notebook closed with the flyer for the underground rap battle serving as a bookmark back into the drawer when Yoongi opened the door. Namjoon hid his surprise when not only the rapper entered the room – apologizing for being so late – but a woman entered with him, her hand clasped in his own.

One inhale and Namjoon was gripping the arm of his chair, feeling like he had gotten run over when the scent of her overbearing perfume hit him, along with the rapper’s scent coming from her as well.

In some shape or form, these two were together, and they hadn’t been late due to dinner as he was telling Yoongi.

“Well,” Namjoon spoke, clearing his throat as he shook hands with the artist and then his, friend. “Why don’t we get started.”

As everyone got comfortable, Namjoon glanced at Yoongi over their heads, raising an eyebrow at his older friend.

Yoongi simply scrunched up his nose, tail flickering in agitation at the humans overpowering scents.

It was going to be a long night.

“Knit one, pearl two,” you softly murmured, reading over the knitting pattern. Dinner had long since been put away and the dishes cleaned up, a plate already made up and set aside in the fridge for Namjoon for when he came home.

Since you were officially on vacation, you were sitting on the couch with a pattern you had printed out God knows how long ago. It was for a baby blanket, and as you had been rifling through your binder of patterns, you couldn’t help but linger on this particular one. It was too soon to assume – with Hoseok leaving for a year at the end of the month it certainly wasn’t going to happen – but you couldn’t help but think that Sarah would need it. If not now then she would one day for sure. Something told you that her and Hoseok weren’t going to have only one child.

And if not, it’ll make a beautiful display for the shop, you thought, writing a check mark in your notebook next to row one, continuing on to the next one. Right now, it just looked like a long section of yellow yarn. Give it a few days and it would look like the picture, a baby blanket with a seashell design big enough to wrap the baby up in or to put in the crib.

Sighing, you glanced at the clock on the wall, not surprised that Namjoon wasn’t home. It was only nine, too early for him to even consider leaving work.

It hadn’t always been like this. He used to come home at a normal time, or the latest at least eight pm. That had been when he first started working for the music company. With Yoongi by his side guiding him, Namjoon had managed to work his way up and was able to produce music alongside with Yoongi. The promotion had surprised even you, but you didn’t care. All that mattered was that Namjoon was doing a job that he loved, and from the stories he told you with bright smiles, the hours he spent at the studio were worth all the late nights.

Of course, you missed him. You missed teasing him as he tried to help prepare dinner, and curling up on the couch when the dishes were done. Tender moments of when the two of you were in separate worlds, him lost in a story or new book of poetry and you knitting up a new project, but always connected as he pulled your legs over his lap and would run his palm along your bare skin. Those were the sweetest memories that you missed.

Tonight, was nearly identical to those precious moments. The TV was on low, your legs stretched out on the couch as the knitting needles clicked together. The only thing that was missing, was Namjoon.

Namjoon pressed down on the back of his neck, groaning as he entered the house. The night had gone exactly as he had thought, and they were still left with the unspeakable song to do. Every idea and suggestion ended up crumpled up and thrown in the trashcan.

By the time the artist and his girlfriend left, both him and Yoongi reeked  of the perfume she wore, and Namjoon was growling in irritability because his studio no longer had his scent. He had spent the last hour trying to rid the room of hers, but it was no use. The only female scent that belonged in there was yours, and he was debating on having you come by one day to help restore order. Until he got a shower and smelled like himself again, scenting his studio was absolutely pointless.

He stopped short in the living room however, his thoughts hitting pause as he walked around the couch to see you asleep. The basket that held your knitting was placed on the floor next to the end table, the throw blanket that was usually over your chair half haphazardly covered your body.

The sight of you sleeping eased some of his distress, but it only raised a new worry now. Crouching down, he gently brushed back the hair that had fallen, a soft smile appearing on his face as he gazed at you. There was probably a good reason you were out here instead of in bed, but like a quick fire, guilt plagued him at the thought that you had been waiting for him. He remembered that you had wanted to tell him something, but he didn’t think it was serious enough for you to camp out on the couch.

“Angel,” he softly called out, running his knuckles against your temple. “Wake up sweetheart, it’s time for bed.”

A soft groan came from your lips, making him chuckle, but he continued on. “Come on, you know an angel like you isn’t meant to sleep on a couch.”

You tiredly smiled before opening your eyes, relishing at the sight of Namjoon. “The only angel I see here is you.” You stretched a hand out to cup his cheek, sighing at the content sound of his growl.

Namjoon ducked his head down, chuckling as he gazed lovingly at you. A wave of deja view had him taking a trip down memory lane, recalling another time when he had come home to find you sleeping on the couch in an attempt to wait up for him.

“Why weren’t you sleeping in your bed?” He hoarsely asked, watching you unfold the towel and settle it on his hair, all while being mindful of his ears. He hadn’t expected the rain and he was soaked as a result of the sudden storm.

You didn’t answer for a few moments. Instead you were focused on drying his hair and gathering your thoughts. “I was waiting for you to come home,” you finally answered, moving the towel off his head. His wolf ears lifted up, bringing a soft smile to your face despite the serious situation at hand, and began to carefully dry them as well.

His eyes burned with tears and despite biting his lip and trying to think of anything else, he couldn’t. Never before had a place been a home for Namjoon. The feeling was foreign and it scared him. The idea of there being a place where he felt safe, cared about, and loved terrified him, so he ran.

He ran until he realized there was no-where he wanted to be than with you, that the only person he wanted was you. He loved the things that you knitted him, he enjoyed starting his weekend off with you on the couch drinking coffee and watching those wedding shows.

He loved the way your house always smelled like something was being baked, and he sincerely appreciated that after he woke up from a nightmare, you were there to coax him out into the kitchen where you prepared to make tea or coffee and a late-night snack to take his mind off of his memories. You never forced him to, but he knew that you’d listen if he wanted to talk about it.

Without a second thought, he wrapped his arms around your hips, pulling you closer so he was able to rest his forehead against your stomach.

The tears slid down his cheeks as he sobbed, his grip tightening the slightest when he felt you move. But it was only to set the towel on the table as you wrapped your own arms around his shoulders, gently rubbing your hands in circles on his back.

“It’s okay Namjoon,” you softly spoke. “You’re home now. It’s gonna be okay.”

Shaking his head, he gently slid an arm underneath you to help you sit up right. “Are you awake enough to tell me about that news?” He teasingly asked.

You frowned up at him but realization dawned on your features, resulting in him chuckling as you nodded. Holding your hands out, Namjoon took them in his as he pulled you up, immediately leading you to the bedroom.

“Well as of today, Grandma has declared that I’m on vacation,” you told him. He slid his arm around your waist and you leaned into him, your nose scrunching up at the citrus smell on his shirt.

“She finally got tired of you?” He joked, not noticing the way your face fell.

Licking your lips, you frowned as a headache began to form behind your eyes at the scent. “She says that we work too much and don’t spend enough time together.”

“Was there the mention of us having kids?”

“That we should be in a certain room in our house more than we are.”

Namjoon snorted, watching as you sat down on the bed before going to his dresser and pulling out a new pair of boxers. “I need a quick shower but I shouldn’t be long.” He smiled as he walked back towards you, kissing your lips briefly before heading to the bathroom.

The water was heard instantly. You were staring at the doorway, wondering if he had known. He had to know that he reeked of another woman’s perfume, his own sense of smell was heightened incredibly compared to yours but yet, he didn’t say anything. There was no explanation for why he smelled like that.

Reaching up to touch the side of your neck, you shakily inhaled as you forced yourself to dress for bed, curling up under the blankets on your side.

It was the first time that he was home before midnight. The first time in so damn long that the two of you were going to bed at the same time, and he smelled of another woman. While you figured there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for it, your heart seemed to hang in your chest.

By the time he crawled in behind you, burying his face in your neck and softly kissing the skin, you couldn’t erase the venomous thought that there was no other reason for why he was staying so late at the studio anymore.

Before you had wondered if…now you were wondering just who wore that disgusting perfume. 

[dreamingofaizawa]

An Old Friend

Hanta Sero x Fem! Reader

Pro Hero AU

Warnings: Cheating, swearing, a smidge of angst, happy-ish ending w/ a bit of fluff

Word Count: 1.5 k

Author’s Note: Sorry loves, the next chapter for Powerful won't be updated for a few days. I'm going on a camping trip, so it'll have to wait since there's no signal out at the site. In the meantime, have this old barely finished cheating hurt/comfort drabble for your troubles 💜💜

Enjoy~

You loved your husband. He provided everything for you, and you stayed home like a good housewife, cleaning and cooking and washing clothes. It didn’t bother you, really, you didn’t mind this calm life. In fact, you’d managed to find ways to keep your hobbies through the years when you left the house to stroll around the city. You took a self-defense class, took up light bodybuilding and weight training (taking you back to your college wrestling days), even re-learned to use weapons like throwing knives and dipped into using katana, but mostly as an art form considering nobody used swords to fight in this day and age. 

Today marked 6 years with him. He was always so sweet and provided everything for you, and gave you full control over any and all money he gave you. You even had your own separate bank account that he constantly poured money into, so you weren’t complaining. So tonight, you were on your way back home from picking up a new wine he’d been wanting to try, but never had the time to go buy. You’d skipped your self defense class today, wanting to surprise him when you got home early. You were so excited you didn’t notice the extra pair of high heels at the door. You strode into the house, beaming from ear to ear. 

“Babe I’m home! I have a surprise for you I think you’ll like!” When you didn’t get an answer, you began to worry. Is he okay? You put your bags down on the kitchen table and called out again as you walked up the stairs, listening for his response. Still no answer. As you came up to your bedroom door it was cracked open, and there were noises coming from inside. Lewd noises. From a woman’s voice. A woman that wasn’t you. Your chest tightened in sadness, fear, and most prominently, burning rage. You shoved the door open and it slammed against the wall, making both bodies in your bed jump and scramble to cover up.

“S-sweetheart… y-you aren’t in your self defense class tonight… was it cancelled?” Fuming, you looked at the woman that was still in your bed. 

“Get the fuck out of my house, or I’ll throw you out the window myself.” She didn’t need to be told twice, and was fully dressed and off the property within five minutes. In the fray, your husband hadn’t moved an inch. 

“How fucking long?” He looked down, avoiding eye contact.

“Three years.” Talking wasn’t even an option anymore. You immediately started packing a duffel bag. You packed all your small personal weapons and just enough clothing for a few days, since you had money in your account that he’d transferred to you over the years. Speaking of the asshole, he was quickly jumping out of bed and scrambling over to you.

“Wait, sweetie what are you doing?” You glared at him, still packing your things. 

“I’m leaving you, jackass. Don’t you call me ‘sweetie’ ever again. Six years we’ve been married, I’ve been nothing but good to you, and you’re telling me you’ve been cheating on me for half the time I thought you loved me? You’re a fucking douchebag. Have fun finding yourself another housewife to cheat on.” And with that, you left the house.

He chased you all the way to the front door, pleading and promising he’d be better. You called bullshit. Once you got outside he let you leave, and you could hear him wailing like a child even two blocks down. And you had no sympathy for him. Not a single tear fell from your eyes as you dialed an old friend’s number. The two of you hadn’t spoken in years, but he was still your closest friend. The phone rang only twice before he picked up.

“Hey y/n! It’s been a while! What’s going on?” His cheery voice rang through the speakers, and it ebbed your anger slightly, but you were still tense.

“Hey, I’m in kind of a tight spot right now. Can I crash at your place tonight?” You didn’t mean for the desperation to come through in your voice, nor the rage. 

“Yeah, of course. Do you need me to come pick you up?” 

“Actually, yeah, that would be great. I’ll send you my location, I’ll be waiting in a cafe.”

“Okay, stay safe. I’ll see you soon.” It took all of five minutes for you to walk to the corner cafe, and you sat at the back table sipping coffee for the first time in six years.

20 minutes later the cafe door chimed and you looked up to see a familiar face. Your old friend had changed over the years, now all lean muscle and tanned skin littered with scars, no doubt from hero work. He spotted you quickly, you being one of the only people in the cafe, and planted himself in the seat across from you with his signature beaming grin. 

“What’s up? How have you been?” With a huff you let your shoulders slump a bit. 

“Honestly Hanta, I could be a lot better. Can we talk about this back at your place?” He nodded, and soon you were in his car, stuck in your head thinking over the events of the past hour. 

The more you thought about it, the less you understood why he’d do something like this. If he was unhappy, he should have just asked for a divorce. If he wasn’t satisfied sexually, he should have just said something. It didn’t make any sense. Maybe you were just not enough, and he didn’t have the heart to tell you? But then if he got caught he’d know you wouldn’t have any of it. Right?

Had you reacted the right way? Should you have tried to talk it out with him? No, he’d been sleeping with at least one other woman behind your back for half your marriage. He didn’t deserve the chance to give excuses. His infidelity would probably continue long after the divorce you never thought you’d need to go through.

A warm hand on your knee had you blinking back to reality. 

“Are you alright?” His eyes were still locked on the road and his voice was gentle. Your chest was beginning to burn, but you refused to let it all spill while Hanta was driving. Instead you just shook your head. 

“Not now.” He gave a squeeze to your knee before replacing his hand on the wheel, concentrating on the road.

It didn’t take much longer after that to pull into a parking garage and head up to his apartment. It was large, two suite bedrooms with a shared bathroom in between. The kitchen was all marble and a dark wood you couldn’t identify, lined with the latest appliances. Still holding your coffee, you settled into the couch with Hanta. He let a thick silence settle, not wanting to upset you. You decided not to wait for him to ask.

“He cheated on me.” In your peripheral you saw his head snap up to you, eyes wide like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“He...what?” Your jaw clenched as you gave a small nod. He took a small breath before asking the next question. 

“How long?” Your shoulders shook with laughter, earning a confused and concerned look from the black-haired man next to you.

“Three FUCKING YEARS Hanta! Can you believe it?!” You were hysterical at this point, laughter shaking your whole body and tears burning your eyes and nose. Hanta took your cup and placed it on the coffee table, then wrapped his arms around you as your laughter morphed into sobs. You clung to him for dear life, and he held you tight as you cried. It felt like someone had reached into your chest and squeezed your heart, crushing it into dust.

Hanta held you until you went limp in his arms. You’d cried yourself to sleep. Still he held you close as you slept, petting your hair gently. You didn’t know it, but Hanta had loved you for a long time. He loved you even after you’d married and stopped contacting him, and he still loved you now. It burned him inside to know you’d been hurt so deeply by the man you had planned to spend the rest of your life with. He let out a deep sigh and kissed the top of your head. 

“It’ll be okay, princess. I’ve got you.” Carefully, he shifted and carried you to his spare room, tucking you into the sheets and leaving a kiss on your forehead. He swore he’d be there for you through it all, he’d earn your love. And he’d never toss it away like the coward you married.

[romanceboys]

(interview) vogue korea april issue 2020 - perfect taemin

1. superm was another chance for taemin’s ever-evolving performance to be showcased. i thought a lot about how to create synergy with these exceptional performers. to put it simply, i wanted us to come off as energetic. but these days i’ve had a change of heart. our identity is definitely important. rather than just working hard, for superm to show off their colours well we need to show our personalities; we should be seen as one team. to be able to formulate a solid and clear colour is our homework. that’s why it’s regrettable. we couldn’t come up with a novel choreography to carry our new identity. we tried a lot in the practice room. superm seems to have found its musical identity but hasn’t gotten a hold of its performance character yet. the stages are too vague. 2. now that you are finally promoting with your best friend kai in one group, you two must’ve shared your concerns. since this friend is someone who has a lot of passion and ambition, he talks about various things. for instance, this style is pretty good, this choreography is quite trendy. thanks to him i’ve learned a lot. he is also very knowledgeable about the latest ‘hottest’ genres. we talk about these things often and even watch videos together. kai gives off ‘popular’ vibes. compared to him, my interests are quite unusual. nowadays kai is interested in music while i am into science. 3. is it science fiction? these days we’ve been watching videos on the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics together. 4. what aspect of it interested you? originally i was very curious, after seeing a recommended video on youtube i learned about quantum mechanics for the first time. i couldn’t understand the explanation, even those who were explaining it said it was a difficult concept. that was very fascinating to me. kind of like magic.  5. are you reading books on the subject too? the subjects of the books i read are different (laughs). there’s a book that was published long ago called ‘regarding the pain of others.’ it is a pessimistic book that gathers contradictory opinions of people for instance ‘people find joy in the pain of others, it is instinctual.’ as a celebrity, there are times when you are criticized but there are also times when you receive comfort from people. rather than blaming others, while reading this book, i began to think ‘people are like that, at most i shouldn’t behave like them.’ my interests are all over the place. 6. what makes you and kai click? we converse well. our opinions almost never clash and we respect each other. moreover, we fully understand our own roles in superm. 7. what position do you hold in superm? since i can’t ask if it’s the main dancer. in pictures and interviews, i’m the center. baekhyun hyung is the leader (laughs). 8. when the conversation wasn’t flowing well during the talkshow interview, i saw you neatly concluding it.  that does happen. nct and wayv are still in the learning phase. that’s why i first listen to all of their thoughts during interviews then flesh it out with details later. 9. compared to when you set out abroad as shinee then promoting overseas as superm now, the status of k-pop has changed. looking at how superm was able to start off with an arena tour in the us and europe made me feel that k-pop is a ‘hot’ topic. in the past, we’d use venues of this scale for smtown concerts. even if you promote mainly in asia, seeing the audience section will make you realise the perception of k-pop has changed. 10. though k-pop’s scope has expanded and diversified, its definition has become simple. what are your concerns? my first concern is language. after i was able to communicate via language during my japanese activities, there were so many advantages. though each country overseas has its own language, i felt that i needed to learn english first. there are many international fans who want to experience the chemistry between our members, they’d feel much closer to us if we communicated using (a common) language. k-pop isn’t one dimensional. it’s not only about the music, there is music video, style, etc. included. people would make dance covers in the past, now they even emulate the styling. all of this is korean pop culture. 11. superm were on the ellen degeneres show and jimmy kimmel live. before we went on the ellen show we really rehearsed the interview a lot. america’s atmosphere is different so you receive questions that are never asked in korea. they don’t disclose the questions in advance either. we were also worried because the emcee could ad-lib. we came up with the most probable questions and practiced, we also received lessons from american comedians. compared to that, we went on jimmy kimmel live without any prep. 12. what went according to plan and what didn’t? the questions were not as intense as expected, ellen was well aware about k-pop culture so it went smoothly. 13. is there a dance genre you’re into these days? contemporary, lyrical hiphop, in the future as superm i think i’ll be able to show more, not the kind of dancing that you do after learning a given choreography but the kind that is full of emotions. it’s about giving meaning to your gestures. it isn’t out yet but my concert vcr features lyrical hiphop. in it i think i’m dancing alone with a giant full moon as my backdrop but get confused when there are two of us, either it’s another person or a shadow. a choreographer with a body type similar to mine had to dress in all black to come across as my shadow. i wore an oriental outfit with smokey makeup. 14. how do you usually come up with your ideas? i get inspired by the choreographers and creative directors. i imagine it as we converse then the idea develops. 15. was there a time you were inspired by fashion? of course. art begins with the five senses. what you see with your eyes, the things you can feel, clothes, food, perfume, music that you listen to are all sources of inspiration. i create private accounts to follow fashion brands. 16. having debuted at the age of 16, you are still young but your work experience has been long. i was in certain situations because of this. it doesn’t happen as often now but even in my early 20s, i completely belonged to the senior category at broadcasting stations. they are my juniors but many of them are also hyungs, i’m their senior but i’m also the youngest. now there are even staff members who are younger than me. they’re too formal with me (laughs). 17. are there juniors that ask you for advice or help? the superm members! especially ten, he is very curious. when we come out of a company meeting, he’ll get surprised and say “wow, hyung everything you said was right.” i even hear things like ‘veteran’ and ‘seer.’ apparently my predictions come true. but i try not to advise them as much. taking the initiative to say something feels overwhelming. 18. born in 1993 between millennials and gen z, do you share any characteristics with those in your age bracket? we’ve picked out a few of their traits. the first one is ‘they don’t eat fast food.’ me too! i took care of my health well ever since i started out with shinee. i was brainwashed from home to avoid foods that harmed the body. not even ramyeon, snacks were also banned. and just like that in my 20s i started carrying out the regime on my own. it’s become a habit to look after my health ever since i moved out. i always eat things that are good for my body, if the hyungs are taking vitamins, i’d ask for one too. 19. i suddenly recall a variety show where you were the only one who skipped the sauce and ate the meat on its own! one should not eat irritable foods. my mother’s words. 20. how about ‘they watch videos on youtube rather than tv. even the ads don’t particularly bother them.’ that’s right. i watch youtube more often than tv, while watching the ads i'd even marvel at their production quality. i’ve signed up for the premium package now so i don’t see the ads anymore. 21. ‘marrying or wanting to buy their own house.’ i currently live alone and i have no interest in decking out my house. at first, i didn’t think like that but a month later my interest dissipated. i’m lazy. it’s not like my house is for others to see, i’m fine with the incomplete feeling for now. 22. and finally ‘they avoid investing in financial companies.’ i don’t do that. my parents manage that, if there’s a good tip i’ll just let them know.  23. hiphop musicians tend to express their success through music. as an idol musician how have you been using the wealth you accumulated all these years? i invest in food instead of saving up (laughs). honestly, i don’t spend much. i don’t have anything i want. though i do spend on others a lot. 24. what kind of household did you grow up in? what gifts did you inherit from your family as a musician? i inherited my body type. all of my cousins have model-like physiques, they’re taller and slimmer than me. my mother sings well. my father plays instruments as a hobby. oh, and my paternal aunt used to be a ballerina. so perhaps i inherited such genes? 25. you’ve been doing the same thing for more than 10 years. what is the purpose behind creating music and showcasing it? in the past, i would think i should do well, i need to be number one, these days i’ve become ambitious for other aspects. i take pride in the fact that my work supplies others with positive energy. i feel a sense of accomplishment when fans like my music, i want to make them as happy as i am. everyone’s profession is different but i hope this synergy gained from mutual dependence leaves a good impression. 26. are you still composing songs? i used to but now i only participate in lyric writing. it differs with each song, at times the lyrics are emotional or talk about abstract love. it seems like my next solo album will include a song i wrote the lyrics to. sometimes songs composed by overseas composers might prove too difficult for the general public to understand. so i participate a lot in the arrangement or mixing phase. i point out the parts that should be added to the composition and those that are unneeded. teacher lee soo man does give advice but it often feels like i do the producing of my own solo album. 27. taemin’s originality is the clearest when he promotes as a solo artist. which song has best represented your identity? i worked hard on all of them but there was a turning point. at first there was ‘danger’ then ‘press your number’ was a conceptual performance, the transition to ‘move’ turned out well. i wanted to break out from the typical choreography routine and create my own identity, the resulting performances were ‘move’ and ‘want.’ my next solo album is again different. i’ve been making a lot of changes these days. 28. you seem to have high standards when it comes to composing music. was there ever an occasion where you absolutely refused to compromise and gave others a hard time? everyone is used to it (laughs). it’s something i learned from the head manager hyung who’s been with me since debut. the belief that ‘there is nothing that can’t be done. there is no such thing as impossible.’ another team manager hyung would tell me ‘you remind me of our head’ (laughs). honestly, the staff around me work beyond their given roles and with affection. normally work timings are from 9 to 7, they stay back till 10-11 pm for me. they don’t hold it against me, and when things do well, they too feel a sense of fulfillment together with me. 29. the new unreleased song must be quite different from the original then.  there are already 12 versions of the song. when i thought we were somewhat done, we recently started arranging it again (laughs). 30. you hold your body to specific standards for the best performance outcome. i don’t ‘bulk up.’ previously, i used to work out when i ate a lot but my body would feel weighed down, it wasn’t what i wanted. if i gain a lot of muscles or become thick, it hampers my dancing form. that’s why i don’t put on weight. i train my stamina and strength and avoid bulking up my shoulders and arms. 31. by the way, do you do neck exercises as well? i was touched looking at your long neck in the vogue photoshoot. i had been noticing this too, now i know the reason! i think it’s because i dance. a lot of resistance goes into the neck when you dance. our head is the heaviest and it’s the neck that supports it. it goes away when i rest for a few days. we’re shooting amidst the superm tour maybe that’s why it looks thicker now.  32. an editor who has been watching you closely for a long time said that you’ve become extroverted. could it be that experience and relationships have made you comfortable and secure? i’ve lowered my guard. i couldn’t reveal my current self to others before. as a child i used to be so introverted that i’d hide behind my mother when strangers would get into the elevator. i changed with time.  33. is your ever-present smile a product of your personality or just business decorum? i’m always smiling. i even laugh at things other people don’t find funny (laughs). 34. shinee members are currently serving in the army. when they’re on break what kind of advice or nagging do they subject you to? i wish they would do that. we have a group chat on kakaotalk and i always revive it by asking “what’s up” “happy new year.” but as soon as the conversation picks up they only talk about the army. when i inform them about an issue at the company they say “really?” then it’s military talk again. when i feel left out and tell them to stop, they reply with “you’ll understand when you get here.” 35. in your career as a musician, when do you feel the best? when it’s time to reveal all that i’ve been preparing for so long! it feels different from finishing it. the first stage after debuting, shinee’s first concert, performing at tokyo dome, receiving the award... these are the moments that come to mind. 36. watching taemin grow for the past decade has been a huge source of strength. what are your dreams now? there are many. first of all, once shinee comes back again, i want the entire group to give off a feeling of revival. usually after getting discharged, it’s hard to keep up with the next generation, i want to avoid that. i’ve imagined it all when the shinee members return. second, i want to perform a lot on various stages as a solo artist. superm topped the billboard 200 album chart, it’d be nice to enter the top 10 on the hot 100 digital chart as well.  37. you are really talented at setting goals. i’ve gotten greedier. it’s just not for myself but i want to do it for the fans and members, even the staff. they become my driving force. i really am lucky. everybody works hard but i even get the recognition for it. come to think of it, i was given many opportunities and i worked hard to make the most of them, i’m really happy my efforts paid off in the end. i’m surrounded by good people. shinee, superm, many people fill in the gaps for me that i can’t solve on my own. 38. superm’s concert title is ‘we are the future.’ when you hear the word ‘future’ what are you reminded of? first, it’s h.o.t. (laughs). future-oriented things come to mind like artificial intelligence, drones, 3d hologram concerts. then again, in the future, though people might be able to watch concerts through holograms, i think humans will not give up on the tasks they themselves can do. my work will still be the same in the future. 39. the reason you don’t write anything on instagram. i don’t have anything to say yet (laughs). i don’t know if i should make my instagram cool or approachable. when fretting between writing a caption or using an emoticon, i just end up leaving it blank. actually i signed up after my manager hyung suggested that instagram would be good. so i’ve made one but i still don’t know what to upload. i get teased by the people around me for putting up selfies. i even took lots of pictures especially for instagram but... 40. did you not post the pictures? the point of instagram is real-time communication. is that so! i didn’t know (laughs).

translated by romanceboys — take out with full credit (source)

[spencers-dria]

Turn for the Better

Someone To Stay Ch. 1

Spencer x fem!reader

Spencer POV:

I open my eyes and glance around the room. It's darker than I remember. I must have fallen asleep reading on the couch again. I glance down and see a pile of books on the rug. Oh yeah...I only made it through about four books this time before I nodded off. I sigh in frustration that I'm awake. Might as well get up I suppose.

I wander into the kitchen and pull open the fridge only to be met with a jar of peanut butter, week old left overs, and a half empty jug of juice. Next.

I try again with the pantry. Almost completely bare. I guess this is what happens when you stop going to the grocery store. I settle on a cup of apple juice and a bag of chips... better than nothing right?

I slump back down onto the couch and pull my green wool blanket over me. As I stare up at my ceiling, as I begin to let my mind wander. But this was dangerous territory. I have to keep my mind occupied, I just have to. So I quickly sit back up and turn the TV to one of my favorite Dr. Who episodes. They say that anxious people re-watch the same shows because they find the familiarity comforting. I could definitely understand the feeling.

It was the weekend, which meant I wasn't called into work. Cases had been slow lately, as we spent quite a bit of time doing paperwork back at the office. Unfortunately for me, this meant less distractions. Distractions were good. Distractions were necessary. They are the only way I make it through the days anymore.

Things had finally returned to normal for me back at work. I was going into the field, and it felt like my coworkers were no longer tiptoeing around me. I hate when they do that, and it bothers me more than any amount of teasing ever could. I'm not so delicate, so easily breakable. Look at everything I have been through, everything I have endured. Yet here I am, still alive, still doing my job. I didn't need to be babied. So it was a relief when I felt the regular rapport I shared with my friends return. They had gone back to the sarcastic remarks and silly nicknames. I was grateful for it. They did, however, continue to check up on me. This was something that I did appreciate. They've seen me go down a dark road once before. I have no intentions of ever returning. I was stronger than that... I think. All I know is I have held on this long without resorting to any unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms...oh how I wish I had something to make the healing process easier. Having a fairly empty social calendar left me alone often. Normally I would find comfort in the peace and quiet of my solitary apartment, but not quite so much lately. I couldn't very well make plans to go out, and I wouldn't even know how to begin to do that. Who would want to hang out with me right now anyways? I'd be a damper on the fun, and everyone knows it. That's probably why my friends stopped inviting me to the nights at the bar.

There I go again, letting my mind slip into a dark hole of anxiety. Its not a safe place to be. I quickly turn my attention back to the show in front of me, letting it drown out all other thoughts.

The ring of my phone quickly draws my attention away. Finally...another case! I jump up to answer, seeing the name on my screen: Derek Morgan. That's odd. Usually Hotch or Garcia call to notify us of a new case.

"Hello?" I answer, confusion lacing my voice.

"Pretty Boy! Buzz me up!"

Well now I'm even more confused. Derek never comes to my apartment. I quickly press the button letting him into the building and opening my apartment door, waiting for him to arrive.

As he comes up the stairs, he gives me a grin shouting, "Come on man! Get dressed. We're goin' out!"

I roll my eyes and retreat back into the apartment, Derek close behind me.

I sink back onto the couch, my eyes glued to the television as I tune him out.

"Aw c'mon. Don't be like that. How long have you been sitting there watching TV? Have you done anything else today, at all?"

I don't answer, I don't even look at him.

"Oh, let me guess. You've been reading all day, huh?"

"Wow, can't get anything past you huh?" I say dryly, regretting my tone as soon as the words left my mouth.

"Alright that it. You've been cooped up in here too long. Like I said before, we're going out. And I'm not taking no for an answer" he says sternly, raising an eyebrow at me.

I finally look up at him as I roll my eyes.

"You know I can kick your ass right?" Derek smirks.

"Fine" I concede. "Well...where are we going? I don't know what to wear unless you tell me what our plans are."

"Don't pretend you don't wear the same fancy button ups no matter where you end up going."

I let out a small laugh...he's got me there.

"Dinner at Rossi's. I know pretty boys are high maintenance but, hurry up or you'll make us late!" I smile at the nickname. Same old Derek.

Y/N POV:

You let out a sigh of relief as you watched your coworker approach you, ready to receive report. It had been a particularly busy shift, and you were ready to get some much-needed rest. You walked to each patient room, giving Clementine summary of the day and the latest updates on labs and vital signs. You stepped into each room with her, checking one last time to make sure each of your patients was doing well and didn't need anything else before you left. Normally you and Clem would spend some time catching up and making jokes, but she could tell you were tired and needed to be home more than anything. You wished her good luck on her shift as you made your way to the break room. After putting away your stethoscope and the large collection of pens, pencils, and markers you kept in your pockets, you finally headed towards the elevator to leave for the day.

You opened the door to your apartment to be greeted by your dog, Juneau. She was a rescue you adopted a few months back. She still needed to make progress, but she had really warmed up to you and your friends and seemed much more comfortable in her new home. After feeding her dinner and taking her for a short walk, you heated up a quick frozen dinner and sunk into your couch.  Curling up in your blanket, you spent a few minutes browsing through different streaming services only to land on The Office, as usual.  Your mind drifts to what your next few days might consist off. You just so happened to land 4 days off in a row, but you had no idea how you would spend your time. You glanced down at your phone as it lit up.  It was your Uncle Will.

"Hey, whats up!" you chimed, glad to hear from your favorite uncle.

"Hey, (Y/N). I'm actually calling to invite you to a dinner some friends of mine are having tomorrow night. I know your schedule is real busy. But I haven't seen you much since you moved up here to Virginia! I know you haven't met many people here yet, but I think I can help you make a start. "

The kind gesture made you smile. You had always been fairly close with your father's side of the family. He had grown up in Louisiana and met your mother at a college in Texas. You spent your childhood in Houston but frequently visited the Cajun half of your family. Uncle Will had moved away once he fell in love with Jenifer Jareau, his now wife, and you hadn't seem much of him the past few years. But as luck would have it, your nursing career had lead you to a hospital in Fredericksburg, VA. You felt extremely lucky to have family nearby, or else you would have been completely alone. But sometimes you still felt that way, which is why you were so grateful for his offer.

"That actually sounds great! I am off for the next four days, and I didn't really have anything planned. Who will I be meeting at this dinner?"

"Well it's some of JJ's coworkers. They're like a second family to us, and I know they'll be just as welcoming to you. I already told them you moved up here, and they've been begging to meet you."

"Aww I can't wait to see Aunt JJ and my sweet little cousin, Henry! Its been so long since I came to visit you guys. I think Henry was barely two years old the last time I saw him."

"Well we all hope to see you a lot more now that you're here. You're like a daughter to us, Y/N. You are welcome to visit any time you like. I know nursing is a stressful job, and it can take a toll. Its important to have family and friends around you when things get tough." You could hear that this was a genuine offer and you fully planned to take him up on it in the future. Being alone in a new state was taking its toll.

"So where and when should I plan to meet for dinner?"

"I'll text you the address real quick. Everyone is planning to meet around 6. It shouldn't be too far of a drive. It's one of JJ's coworker's houses. David Rossi. He's a real easygoing guy, and he loves cooking for everyone. He loves meeting new people even more, so you should feel right at home!"

"Sounds like a fun time. Thank you again for thinking to invite me. I'm really looking forward to it!"

"Alright boo, talk to you later."

You smiled at the pet name used by the entire Louisiana side of your family. I guess the north had yet to steal his southern roots. You hung up the phone. You finally had plans. It would be nice to talk to someone who wasn't a coworker.  It would also be your first excuse to dress up since moving and starting your new job. Too excited to wait, you jumped up from the couch and began to rifle through your closet for something to wear. You didn't want to be too over or underdressed. You grabbed a black spaghetti strap fit and flare dress and throw it on with some black panty hose, a lightweight maroon cardigan, and some black heels. You snapped a quick photo in the mirror and shoot a text to Aunt JJ.

Y/N: Apparently I'm joining y'all for dinner tomorrow night...is this too much???

Aunt JJ: I heard! I can't wait!

And oh my goodness, no! You look gorgeous! It will be perfect.

Also...Henry is so excited to see you!

You smiled, more confident in your choice. Aunt JJ had great taste. You had only had the chance to meet her in person a couple times, but the two of you had clicked right away and stayed in touch over text and Facetime. Sometimes she felt more like the sister you never had.

Starting to feel the effects of your particularly difficult shift, you start to get ready for bed. You wanted to be well rested for tomorrow. You say goodnight to Juneau and crawl into bed, snuggled under all the blankets. You fall asleep with a smile on your face, with the feeling that things in your life are about to take a turn for the better. You couldn't explain it...but somehow you just knew.

[peaches-writes]

sun shower

description: you happen to be spending your training year in adjacent villages with a certain kim seungmin  member: seungmin genre: fluff, witch/wizard au (kiki’s delivery service, a little snow fairy sugar-inspired) word count: 4k note: ‘magical people’ just doesn’t sound awesome enough to be the official gender-neutral term i therefore declare that both the words witch & wizard are gender-neutral choose ur fighter ppl

Seungmin has always had a fascination with the heavens since he was a young boy. His mother specialized in potions but his father was an astronomer, inviting him to stargaze after potion lessons until he had to leave for his training as an independent wizard some 6 months ago. He never vocally said it to his parents but when they received a letter from him in the mail informing them that he has chosen to train in the quaint countrysides of Italy a month into his training, they correctly inferred that he wanted to be specialize in astrology. 

For this reason, he finds it bothersome, for a lack of a better word, whenever you, a neighboring witch, would conjure up clouds of rain until the early hours of the night. In your defense, it always happens unconsciously, most often when you’re frustrated because you couldn’t conjure up enough clouds when the sun is still out or when you untimely create clouds right as a storm passes over the countryside.

“Excuse me!” He called to you from the skies on his fifth night in the neighboring town. This was when you first met. You look up at him curiously, surprised at finding a fellow magical person. “Are you causing this?”

He gestures over the thin veils of clouds looming over the full moon. He could tell you were a witch by the runes you read to your root crops.

“Yes, why?”

“I study astrology, you see.” He shows you a familiar book, the standard guide to astrology—you knew because your own mother was an astrologer. “And I can’t really study if it’s too cloudy.”

“O-Oh, sorry.” You stand up from squatting next to your green sprouts, scratching the back of your neck. “It takes me a long time to make them disappear, you see. I swear I’m also working on them!”

“Well, it’s already late and I still have business to attend to later on so it’d be really helpful if you get your clouds out of the way quickly.” He points out, intimidating you a bit. 

Because of his dry and rather stern tone, you managed to clear out the sky faster than you’ve ever done at the time. Suffice to say, Seungmin was impressed.

“Thanks! I’m Seungmin, by the way.” “Y/N, nice to meet you and sorry again!” 

Now at present, you only have a month left until your training ends yet somehow you can’t seem to master the art of controlling the rain for sun showers, which frustrates Seungmin as much as it frustrates you. 

“Maybe you’re overthinking it. Have you tried relaxing?” In the few months you’ve spent being sort of neighbors, you know that Seungmin never means anything malicious, he simply has a sarcastic tone by default. 

“I am relaxed.” You insist, puffing out air that resembles smoke in the cold weather. It’s nearing the end of November and you can already feel the snow coming, signalling your impending departure. You try again, concentrating and thinking about how Seungmin’s watching you, “Oh hey, look, I did it!” 

To compromise over your clashing work schedules, on the 2nd month of Seungmin’s stay, the two of you came to an agreement that you alternate between your towns, so that Seungmin can monitor you practicing with the weather and make sure that he gets to see the night sky when you’re done. Undeniably, you’ve grown closer from helping each other out (and maybe you’ve even developed a small crush on the side, but you wouldn’t tell him that).

He sits behind you on your rooftop on this particular Sunday, reading a thick book on the movement of constellations, while you levitate over your vegetable garden, eyes trained to the cloudy sky that slowly clears. 

“Is this the last thing you need to accomplish?” He asks after a while, having decided after a while to halt reading and observe the sky. You’re halfway through clearing the sky, some hints of sunlight starting to peek through from the remaining clouds. Though he doesn’t show it, he’s proud (and a bit jealous) that you’re almost done with your training.  

Without sparing him a glance, you shake your head no. “I still need to perfect my own song to conjure up a sun showers.” You correct as a frown settles on your face. 

You control the weather with music. You use a flute for snow and sleet, a harp for the rain, a triangle for thunder and winds, and your own voice to call for the sun and clear skies. The problem with creating a sun shower is that you can’t come up with your own last verse—the one that is supposedly unique to every conjurer, according to your aunt who gave you the sheet music. 

“Maybe you need another instrument.” Seungmin suggests but you both know that if there was another instrument for sun showers, your aunt would tell you as a witch who controls the weather herself. “Or the music sheet’s wrong.” 

“If it’s wrong, then I would’ve conjured up something else entirely the last time I tried it.” You point out. The last time meaning just a few weeks ago when you tried out your latest revision and conjured up enough clouds but too much rain. “I’m just missing a few measures but my brain’s already too fried to come up with any!” 

“Can I see?” 

You impatiently hum in approval, finally turning around to briefly look at him and gesture over to your rucksack. “It’s in my bag, knock yourself out.” 

You have an idea of Seungmin’s musical ability. He tends to hum to himself while he’s busy with work, you’ve heard in the events you’ve stayed in his place longer to help him see the stars better, and he plays the piano well, especially when he was asked to in his town’s festival. You’ve wondered yourself before why he chose studying astrology over taking control of the weather until he mentioned his home life before going off on his own. 

“It does sound hard to complete, especially with what you already have.” He agrees with you after a while. At this point, you’ve managed to clear the skies of heavy rain clouds so you levitate towards him, sitting across from him after penetrating the shield he’s made for himself from the rain that’s passed. “But I think you’re getting there.” 

He hums the main melody under his breath, occasionally stopping to brainstorm ideas on what could possibly be missing on your sheet music. To his right, you lay down tiredly on your back, rucksack serving as a makeshift pillow, and turn your body to face him, listening intently to the little notes and comments he makes under his breath. “I just need a balance with the sun and the rain.” You sigh. “The sun is already enough, the rain’s just a little too much.” 

“Hm, sounds strangely poetic.” He points out with the same dry tone you’ve grown accustomed to, making you chuckle. “You going through something or what?”

“I don’t know if I’d call it that.” You then turn your body up towards the sky. Now that your clouds were gone, you then realize that the sky’s started turning pink and orange in sunset. “It’s just that, there are some things and people I’m unsure of, I guess.”

He wanted to ask you what, or rather, who exactly you were unsure of. You’re not exactly known for being a social butterfly but you’re not anti-social, either, but if bothered you so much, whatever or whoever you’re referring to must be someone incredibly special to you. 

“Hey, can I keep a copy of this?” He opts to ask instead, gaining your attention again. 

You nod. “You can take the music sheets, I have it memorized by heart already, anyway.” 

“If I can come up with something, I’ll let you know.” He carefully tucks your music sheet between the pages of his book. “You don’t have some kind of deadline, do you?” 

“No, it’s okay.” You smile before turning back to the incoming sunset. “Anyway, I’ve had enough of thinking about it for today, let’s just enjoy the sunset before you go back to studying! Ah, what a day.” 

Seungmin is evidently surprised, often you mind each other’s businesses and only talk when one needs help or when one is about to leave, but you missed such a rare expression across his face “Okay.” You only hear him say as he closes his book and lays down next to you, using his own messenger bag as a pillow. 

Later that night, Seungmin decides to study on your rooftop later than usual, and you hear him singing until you fell asleep.

In the following days, Seungmin kept on humming the final measures of your song along with experimental measures to try and fill in the missing gap. He sings it while gathering (or stealing, depends on who you ask) herbs from your garden, cleaning the room he rents above a dusty bookstore, and even while writing a cohesive prediction for someone in his side business. 

It would drive you crazy if only his voice isn’t that great. 

“You know, when your training ends, you should also try picking up at least one skill related to music.” You suggest to him a week later while pacing around in his room. You’re supposed to be outside but complained because of the intense heat you can’t seem to tone down. “I highly recommend singing for sunshine.” 

“But you do it better.” He’s making you a reading on this particular day since business is slow recently. “You sing and play well.”

Internally, the butterflies already present in your stomach multiply greatly. “So? Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too?” You manage to counter while trying to recover. “I bet wherever you’re going after your training, they’ll have extraordinarily warmer sun.” 

He chuckles nervously. He’s more than halfway through his training already but he doesn’t want to think about that just yet (mostly because he finds it weird thinking about a new place without you in it, but he wouldn’t tell you that). “Really? You think so?” 

You nod. “Yeah, I feel—well, I believe you will.”  Placing a hand outside a nearby open window, the sun still feels scorching hot on your skin. You didn’t like bringing umbrellas or wearing hats while practicing, it distracts you too much. “Aish, it’s still too hot out!”

“If I do pick up music, I might turn out even better than you.” He teases, stealing a glance over to you and softening up by following with, “But who knows, maybe we’ll bump into each other a few years from now, you’ll probably already settled with somewhere and I’m still looking for a place to call home, then you can teach me.”

Seungmin can’t actually imagine you permanently staying in one place, with your adventurous streak and passion for the outdoors, much less finding someone who makes you stay in one place forever but he forces himself to consider for the sake of theory. 

Whoever will catch their eye would truly be exceptional. 

You, on the other hand, show evident confusion in your expression while you retract your hand back from the window. “I wouldn’t count myself on the settling down part but sure, I guess, I can teach you a few years from now.” 

“Why?” Seungmin looks up at you again and even stops humming, showing you genuine curiosity. It suddenly felt strangely serious.

At this, you simply shrug. “I don’t know, I guess I don’t think it’s a priority for me. I want to see the world! Can you picture me staying in one place forever?” 

“No?” He chuckles. “What if you fall in love?” 

“If I do, whoever I fall in love with should probably start practicing flying well then.” 

When the two of you go out to the farmland behind Seungmin’s lodging later on, you conjure up an almost-perfect sun shower with only a handful of extra clouds left that needs to disappear.

“Seungmin, you’re going to catch a cold, come over here!” When you turn around to show Seungmin your work,  you see him flying circles over the empty farmlands instead. 

Drenched in light rain, he grows self-conscious of how you think of his flying skilles—all the while debating on whether he should give the last measure of your song to you now, when he’s definitely sure that he enjoys your company, or during Christmas, when it’s the cruelest holiday to leave. 

Seungmin eventually gives in after 2 weeks, not that you’d notice anyway since you didn’t know that he wanted to keep you around longer. The sky is already getting cloudy, reminding the two of you of snow, making it harder to practice during the day—Seungmin had to give in while you can still manage to clear the sky before practicing.

“This is it, Seungmin.” You breathe out dramatically through the chilly December breeze. It’s early morning, just a little after the break of dawn, because you were so excited practicing the song with Seungmin last night. “If this last measure makes my perfect sun shower, my last week here would be the best! I’d be the happiest, I swear.”

There was also the fact that you planned on leaving right after the first snow. Sometimes you’re just too cruel, Seungmin thinks.

“I’m sure this is it, I decoded it.” He says as coolly and as confidently as he can.

You say nothing more, proceeding to sing and play the harp according to your sheet music. The song is only 2 minutes long, barely providing any room to feel nervous as you slowly approached the final verse which is supposed to be different for every witch / wizard, hence why it was hard to decode.

As you play, Seungmin watches the clouds form over the pale yellow sunrise, a small smile unconsciously forming on his face that then grows into a wide grin when they stop at just the right amount and started drizzling the vast expanse of houses ahead in light rain. “Y/N, you did it! You did it!”

You didn’t even realize that you’ve had your eyes closed the entire time you sang and played, opening them only when you felt Seungmin spinning around next to you to feel the rain just as the droplets of rain started to dampen your own hair. “I—I did it!”

“You did!” Seungmin turns to you, not even hiding his happiness this time as he then instinctively pulls you into a warm hug. “I’m so proud of you!”

You hug him back tighter, his coat cold and damp against yours. “Thank you, Seungmin.” You catch your breath as you rest your chin against his shoulder. “Thank you so much.”

Seungmin only hums, speechless in being so close to you. This was the first time you hugged.

Without his face in your view, you miss the way he momentarily frowns at the thought that you’re now certain and confident to leave—a thought he expertly hides when he pulls away later on and says, “So, will you still practice or do you just leave it at that until you leave?”

You frown at him in annoyance, you really were irked he brought it up, especially since several days have passed since you’ve avoided mentioning it. “Why are you thinking of me leaving already? I have to practice a couple more times before I go, of course!”

“I’m just making sure so in case you stay outside overtime again.” He defends himself, suddenly feeling colder that you’re far away again. “Okay, now try making it stop, it’s getting really cold!”

“Alright, alright!” You roll your eyes, making the clouds disappear. You manage to dry yourselves even with a gush of warmer winds to compensate the two of you getting wet with rain. “Jeez, Seungmin, I thought we were having a moment there!”

Though you said it in a joking manner, of course he didn’t miss the way you showed the slightest hint of being hurt. Seungmin feels his heart drop to his stomach at the thought.

You continue practicing in the days that follow, both early in the mornings and late in the afternoons. Though you keep it cool in front of Seungmin, you notice how quiet he’s suddenly become, how he would hum your song less and literally cover his face with his book whenever you glance over at him for small talk.

“Are you mad?” “No.” “Do you feel awkward too?” “...A bit, yeah.” Would always be your conversation-ender. You know he meant it sincerely because he didn’t use his default dry tone on you but somehow it felt awkward.

What changed?

On your last day, you invited him to dinner.

“I told the landlord you can take this house if you want to.” You mention as the two of you ate strawberry cake. Earlier that day, some of the villagers surprised you with a going-away party since you leave at midnight—the cake was from one of the farmers you helped grow crops faster. “I still have some root crops in the garden, that should last you for a month.”

“It’s fine.” He reassures you for the 2nd time since you started eating. “I want the vegetables, though.”

For a while, it seemed like the awkwardness was gone and you laugh. “If you’re not taking the house, then you might have to have a talk with Mrs. Ross over the vegetables.”

“Then I’ll swipe them later when you go.” And then the awkwardness was back.

“Won’t you see me off later?” You ask, nervously playing with your food as you steal a glance at him.

Across the table, the lone strawberry on Seungmin’s plate suddenly seems interesting even when your gaze pokes on his newly dyed blonde hair. “I’m...I’m helping a villager’s sick child, it might take a while.” He bluffs, a heavy feeling looming over him.

“Oh...” He doesn’t see the frown before you muster up a smile. “That’s alright, I guess.”

“Where do you plan on going?” He finally gathers the courage to look up at you, searching for any sign in your eyes that you’d suddenly stay.

You ponder over the question longer than you usually would, your eyes trailing to the window behind Seungmin as you do so. “It’s snowing.” You mutter absentmindedly.

When Seungmin turns around, your windowsill already has a thin layer of snow.

“It is.” He agrees, eyes suddenly stinging. Am I crying? “It’s the first snow.”

You swore you saw faint hints of tears on Seungmin’s face when you escorted him out later that night but you chose to ignore it, diverting your attention instead to the sky—and for the first time you understood why Seungmin hated night skies wherein the stars aren’t visible.

“A bit dull, I get it now.” You comment as you walk him with him to the main road. When he gives you a questioning gaze, the dry trails of tears shining under the faint street lights, you gesture to the sky. “The starless sky, I mean.”

He follows you, frowning at the lack of stars. The sky seems to radiate off of the two of you. “Yeah, it’s so vague, you could barely read anything.”

Seungmin wakes up the following morning to a sun shower. There’s a thick layer of snow outside his window, even more when he steps out of his lodging later on, yes, but it’s the lone droplet of rain that falls on his cheek as he closes the door behind him on his way out that catches his utmost attention, casting his eyes up to the sky as it begins to drizzle.

At that moment, it fully dawns on him that you never told him exactly where you were going. 

Still, he flies to your house, in hopes of any clue somehow. Only, when he arrived, he only saw the landlady, Mrs. Ross there, tending to your garden.

“Oh, Seungmin!” She greets the evidently distressed wizard. “Do you want to take some of the vegetables?”

“N-No, I just thought that—nevermind.”

“If you’re looking for Y/N, they already left last night.” Mrs. Ross says sympathethically to Seungmin. “They didn’t say where they were going.”

Seungmin walks home afterwards, dejected.

It felt wrong, spending an entire day without you afterwards, especially when the sun was out later in the afternoon yet it felt horrifyingly cold.

The week passes by too slowly for Seungmin, even when he decides on devoting half of his day to resuming correspondence with his parents and some friends—away in their own towns. He rarely leaves the house, wandering only as far as the bookstore downstairs, utilizing the never-ending snow as an excuse to his landlord. Your landlady. Mrs. Ross, is probably the only person from outside his building that he sees whenever she drops by to hand him the produce from your garden.

His textbooks have started to blur in front of him whenever he studies and the weather has started feeling dull and repetitive for him.

And so it felt years have already passed when a knock comes to his door beyond the usual time Mrs. Ross would come by. It’s already afternoon, just as Seungmin is about to take a nap.

“Who is it?” He asks as loudly as he can in his drowsy state, almost stumbling over an umbrella stand in the process, but the knock continues, annoyingly chirpy at that.

When he opens the door, you give him no time to prepare himself as you tackle him in a hug. “Kim Seungmin!” You exclaim, throwing your arms to his shoulder.

There’s a slight delay on his part, partly because the sun is shining too warmly and too bright outside but mostly because he instantly recognizes your warmth as you squeeze him tighter. “Wha—? How—?” He stutters, eyes wide and mouth hanging open in shock. Nevertheless, he wraps his arms around your waist, quickly gathering his thoughts together to coherently ask, “Where have you been?!”

“Oh, here and there. I went home to my parents then wandered off aimlessly to some beaches in the South since it’s really cold up here.” You explain as you try and pull away from him but Seungmin uncharacteristically keeps you in place, making you laugh. “Hey, you missed me.”

At this, he buries his face on your shoulder, mumbling a muffled, “Of course I did.” that almost completely melted your heart if it weren’t for him following it with, “I thought I’d never see you again.”

“Well, I needed time to think.” When you pull away, he lets you this time, allowing you to step inside his place. It looked the same since you were last here, you notice.

“Of what?”

“Of how I feel for you.” You make sure to say it in the sincerest way you know, feeling light-headed afterwards.

Oh, Seungmin thinks, cheeks flushed, so it’s me?

Seungmin stands there gaping, completely dazed at your short confession until your face is completely red from the heat that you immediately speak again. “Seungmin, say something.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t know if you liked me or not.”

“Wasn’t it obvious?”

You knit your eyebrows in confusion. “No? If you were, I would’ve actually stayed longer.”

“R-Really?” Now, Seungmin just feels dumb for not being more clear with his feelings.

You nod with a hum, continuing, “I kept dropping hints as best as I can but you just keep mentioning me leaving whenever you can.”

In front of you, you can clearly see Seungmin’s frustration with himself. “I’m sorry, I should’ve still been considerate of how you felt about me mentioning your leave then and I definitely should’ve asked you to stay even when your training did end.” He frowns, more to himself than to you. “B-because I...I really like you too but I also thought that you’d want to go and explore the moment you’re allowed to leave—I didn’t want to keep you waiting if you like me too.”

You shake your head no, a small smile now forming on your lips. “It’s not like the world outside’s going to change.” You take a brave step closer to Seungmin now, cupping his cheeks in your warm hands. “So, what’s—how many months do you have left? Four?—what’s 4 months more of waiting?” 

[cinnamoonsworld]

Two Worlds Collide - Chapter 6 [Aizawa x fem!reader]

Hello everyone! Sorry if the chapter came out late this week, but my boyfriend had to study for some important exams and I didn't bother him during the week!  Enjoy the chapter <3 

-----------------------------------------------------------  Previous chapters: ch1 | ch2 | ch3 | ch4 | ch 5 You can also find me on Ao3! Warnings: mention of depression  Word count: 1,453 ------------------------------------------------------------ "Shouta can we know what you did to her?" Asked Present Mic to his friend while gulping down the last drops of beer he had. "Absolutely Nothing." Stated Aizawa feeling Nemuri's eyes on him. "Something must have been happened." She said in a serious tone. "She can not just change his behaviour like this." The three friends/colleagues were out for a quiet Friday night in a club to drink, as sometimes happened to him. Aizawa didn’t have to go on patrol that night, and once in a while he liked having his noisy friends around. Although he hoped you would be there that night, but you had declined the invitation hastily without giving any explanation the afternoon before when Hizashi asked you if you would join a Friday night of drinking with him, Nemuri and Aizawa .All three of them were clear that something had happened to you, but none of them knew anything. For two weeks now, you had become very coy and reserved with the teachers. Usually you would spend your lunch breaks or other moments of freedom during the day chatting happily with Midnight and Present Mic, but by now you had become nowhere to be found. Aizawa also tried to talk to you in some way, but every time you had a chance to be alone, you ran away without saying anything. He didn’t even understand when you were in your room, from which nothing but silence came. No one saw you running from all sides anymore. You acted as usual with the students, supporting them and listening to their doubts and problems." Did I told you about two weeks ago, when I met her out of the dorms with her quirk out of control?" Asked Aizawa while drinking a glass of Whiskey. "Sure." Said Nemuri with her cocktail. "And that she talked about more people, so that day something else must have happened after what you told her in class... you at least talked to her?" "I was not able to. " Replied the raven. "After that day I never had the opportunity to talk to her for real..." "And you should be a supervisor!" Shouted Hizashi while asking to the waiter for another beer. "She is your subordinate, if you want to talk to her, you can -Order her to.-" Actually, Aizawa didn’t want to force you. He still had in mind the angry look you gave him that afternoon, it’s as if it was burned into his mind. He also hated being forced to talk to someone when he didn’t want to, so he preferred to leave you alone and give you all the time you wanted to come and talk to him. Even though he knew you didn’t have a good relationship, he hoped that anyway, as the person you worked with every day, you would open up to him for what was happening to you. Instead, you created a wall you didn’t want to break down, and not just with him. The thing he felt the most about was not apologizing for his behavior. For once, he could let it pass, but his rigid nature had prevailed even before listening to your motivations. Nemuri changed the subject by starting to talk about his favorite thing: the last rumors about their colleagues, and Hizashi was immediately very interested in the thing. Aizawa, on the other hand, pretended to listen when he thought what you were doing at that time.

It was dark in your room, and the only light in the whole room was from the TV next to your bed. You were watching a play, trying to distract yourself. But even that night, like a couple of nights, you’d find yourself curled up in bed with a knot in your stomach. You still felt bad about what happened, even though you felt something more now: terror. Your manager has always been a very vengeful person, and you knew that very well, because you had felt what he was capable of. All you had to do was do something that didn’t suit him, and his revenge turned into extra training hours or interminable signatures, getting you home exhausted both mentally and physically. You didn’t understand why he behaved like that, but only too late did you realize that he wanted you to be a puppet at his command. You were his money-making machine, and you had to do everything he said without having to complain or anything. You felt awfully stupid for letting him treat you like this, but having only him as your manager, you never wondered if these behaviors were normal or not, and so you accepted everything. Every day, from when you got up to when you went to bed, you felt nervous and anxious. You didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and as soon as you could, you’d go somewhere to eat or spend some time alone listening to music to calm down. Sometimes you were so overwhelmed by your thoughts that you would cry whatever you were doing, and music was the only thing that could calm you down. One of the things you were most afraid of during the day was having to interact with Aizawa or be alone with him. You were always trying to do your job quickly so you could end up when the bell rang so you could go away with the kids, and spend as little time as possible in the teachers' room so you could not interact with him or other teachers. With Ereserhead you only spoke when he wanted to know something about one of his boys or to give you some job, but even there you limited the conversation to a minimum. You could talk even less about him. When you finished work, you’d lock yourself in the room and not go out until the next morning. You’d stopped checking your cell phone, and by now it was all about notifications from Rumi and the record company’s top brass. You didn’t have the mental strength to respond or visualize anything. When you were on your computer writing reports about the 1-A kids, you didn’t go on the Internet because you didn’t want to go check your PO box or the latest news about you on the Internet. You were literally out of this world. It also became complicated to do the simplest job, because all the tears you repressed during the day came out in droves when you were in your room. Sometimes it took you hours to finish something, which usually took you about 20 minutes. You hated being like this. And you were also thinking that when you watched that play under layers of blankets in bed on Friday nights. The Saturday morning arrived, with the clear sky and the fresh air that now made the few leaves that remained on the trees fly away. Inside the 1-A dormitory, the students had gathered in small groups in the large living room. There were people who did homework, who read manga or did internet research for all sorts of things. You were helping Mina, Kirishima, and Sero with their math homework, and you promised them after you noticed how hard all three of them were working on that subject and also to distract you a little from your thoughts. The atmosphere was quiet until the alarm sounded. The students all looked at each other worried, couldn’t figure out what was going on. "I'm asking to all students to stay in their dorms, there is nothing to worry about." Echoed the calm voice of Principal Nezu in the area's speakers. "I request to all teachers to come immediately to the main entrance." As soon as he finished the sentence, Aizawa came out of his room with a clearly irritated expression. "(Y/S/N) stay here and keep an eye on them." Said the teacher wearing his scarf. "Do not try to come out for any reason or you'll have chores for three months. Understood?" "Yes, Teacher!" Shouted the kids at unison with a slight blink of panic in their voices. You looked Aizawa in a worry face while he bolted out of the dorm, you were hoping nothing bad will happen to him.As Aizawa made his way to the main entrance, he noticed, first of all, that there was no sound that foreshadowed a fight or an assault. So they probably shouldn’t have fought. As he approached the entrance, he noticed a great rumour and the lights that looked like photographic flashes. It was too late when he realized that all the teachers were called to the entrance to face one of the things he hated most in the world: the journalists.

[bexterbex]

A Soul to Mend His Own | Ch. 12

Warning, if it hasn’t been obvious in the movies there is Nazi symbolism within the First Order. I will expand on this much more throughout the story. If this is something that bothers you, please just exit the story. The author does not condone any Nazi ideals, this is just for fictional uses only.

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with some canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

Originally posted on my Ao3 Crystallclover (If you can’t find it here)

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7a | 7b | 8 | 9a | 9b | 10 | 11

Let me know what you think in the comments or my ask box.

Chapter 12: An Awkward Goodnight

You arrived back at your chambers, once inside Kylo removed his helmet and set it on the ashes. He no longer had your arm in his. This disappointed you—the lack of contact. He headed up the stairs to the bedroom and you followed.

He stood at the end of his bed awkwardly. You headed to your room, the door opened and you saw something in the room that wasn’t there earlier. A large bouquet of your favorite flowers was on the side table. You gasped turning toward Kylo, “Thank you. They are beautiful.”

You saw Kylo smile quickly before turning his head away from you. “You’re welcome. Goodnight.” You could see him trying to control his breathing. Taking deep breaths and seemed tense in his shoulders.

You shut the door to your room. Now alone for the first time all day you let out a breath that you didn’t know you were holding. You gathered your thoughts for a moment. Before thinking too much you moved to your bag and got ready for bed. You grabbed the pajamas and headed to the bathroom. It looked relatively normal to you with a vanity sink, a toilet, a large bathtub and a separate glass shower.

Finishing preparing for bed you headed over to the bed. You quickly unpacked and moved things into the closet, knowing you wouldn’t be able to sleep if things were out of place. When finished you moved to get into bed, you messed with the panel off to the side of the bed until the lights turned off.

You hoped that this day wasn’t just a dream. A lot happened and you were trying to remember it all, just in case, it was a dream. You moved to lay on your side and just stared at the flowers until you fell asleep.

The next morning you woke up with the slowly brightening lights of your room, squinting you wondered what time it was because you realized you forgot to set an alarm. You jumped out of bed looking for your phone. You found it, saw it was at 10% and that it was 9:00 am. This was the latest you had slept in since starting your full-time job. You weren’t able to plug in your phone as there were no plugins and you weren’t getting any service anyways so it did not bother you.

You got up and got dressed, a sweater and a pair of jeans, the ship was cold so you felt it was justified. You made the bed and left the room. You noticed Kylo wasn’t in his room and made your way to the kitchen but before you could do that there was a junior officer in the main living space.

“Oh, hello! Are you looking for the Supreme Leader,” you asked the short brunette man.

“Oh no, I’m sorry my lady. The Supreme Leader has informed me that I am to be at your service today,” said the man nervously.

“Ok, and your name is,” you asked.

He flinched at this, knowing he was probably supposed to introduce himself, to begin with.

“I’m sorry my lady, my name is Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka,” he replied tightly gripping his hat in his hands.

“It’s nice to meet you, Lieutenant. I just woke up and have yet to have breakfast, have you eaten yet,” you ask.

The lieutenant seemed surprised by your question, “Yes ma’am I have, would you like me to help you order something?”

“That would be lovely, thank you,” you could tell that he was prepared to meet a different type of person than you. At first, he seemed scared but now he seemed to relax a little bit. He pulled out a small data pad from his pocket.

“Is there anything in particular that you would like to eat,” he asked.

“What do you have that is similar to Earth food?”

At this question, he seemed to frown not knowing what you were asking exactly. “Do you have pancakes,” you ask.

“Yes! Would you like some,” he asked unsure.

“Yes, with maple syrup if there is any and more importantly is there coffee?”

“Yes, ma’am I will order some right away is there anything else you need ma’am?”

“Not at this moment. Thank you, Lieutenant.” With that, he punched in your order on the data pad and you walked over to the dining table. You invited him to sit. “The Supreme Leader said I may return to earth today if I want. How would I go about doing that?”

“Yes ma’am, the Supreme Leader has requested that you be guarded by General Pryde and Commander Pyre with a squad of stormtroopers. Of course, I am to be at your service.”

You were surprised at the amount of protection that Kylo seemed to deem necessary. But you just nodded at the lieutenant. The door to the mailroom opened and the same droid from last night appeared with your food. You thanked it before it left and it beeped at you in response.

“Do you have access to the Supreme Leader’s schedule,” you asked the lieutenant.

“Yes, ma’am. He is in meetings most of the day, but he had set aside sometime in the late afternoon for you. He told me that it would be your decision as to what you wanted to do with that time.”

You wondered if there would be enough time for him to meet Carter and Hayden. But you thought better of it for now. Not knowing how he would react to meeting them. Plus it sounded like you would be near Earth for a while since things were behind schedule. You finished eating.

“I think I would like to return to Earth. Could you let the Supreme Leader know, and ask him if there is anything he would like me to do while I am there?”

The lieutenant nodded and sent a message through the data pad. “The general is currently on the bridge, would you like me to message him that you would like to leave or would you like to go directly to him?”

“Go to him I think. Last night the Supreme Leader gave meh a tour but I wasn’t able to really figure out the hallways.”

And with that, you both were off down the winding corridors of the ship making your way to the bridge. Just like yesterday officers ducked off to the side for you and stood at attention until you passed. You and the lieutenant came to the bridge, once again silence fell over the officers. You could tell this made the lieutenant a bit anxious, but General Pryde made his way over to you.

“My lady, I am guessing you have made the decision to return to the surface,” said the general.

“Yes, I was told that I need your escort.”

“Colonel Kaplan, you have command of the Bridge until General Quinn gets here during the Beta shift,” said the general to an older looking officer. He nodded to the general.

You all left the bridge and went to the hangar. There you saw a small group of stormtroopers and one that was decked out in gold armor. He addressed you, “Ma’am, General, we are ready to descend to the surface. The Supreme Leader sent back his command shuttle for you to use my lady.”

Once again Kylo surprised you, and apparently the general and lieutenant who seemed a bit shocked that the Supreme Leader sent back his personal command shuttle for you. You just followed the commander and boarded the ship.

You all sat and buckled in with the lieutenant on your right and the general on your left.

“The Supreme Leader answered your question, he would like you to stop at the White House as he would like to see you,” said Lieutenant Mitaka.

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” you responded and settling back into your chair bracing yourself for the flight. Part of you was giddy that Kylo requested to see you even though you knew his day was filled with meetings.

The shuttle landed right outside the White House and you disembarked the craft. Crossing the lawn you could see Kylo’s tall frame coming towards the ramp. You could see the officers and troopers around you pause slightly as they prepared to greet the Supreme Leader.

Kylo reached you and took your hand, quickly paused and acknowledged the officers and lead you into the White House. He took you into the same sitting room you were in the day before. The junior officer in the room quickly left and shut the door behind them. Kylo then removed his mask and turned to you.

“How was your morning? How did you sleep,” he asked earnestly still holding your hand.

“Surprisingly I slept well. I had a good morning so far, haven’t done anything other than have breakfast and see you,” you responded.

Kylo seemed slightly bashful at your answer. He let go of your hand for a moment, to remove his glove to hold it again. This time with skin on skin contact. His hand was large and warm, you could feel calluses and scars. The back of his hand was soft and his thumb slowly messaged your knuckles.

He was mesmerized for a moment before clearing his throat to say, “You asked if there is anything that I would like you to do. All I want is for you to be comfortable and happy.”

This made you smile, you stepped closer to him saying, “I am happy, I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help you with the First Order? I just hate thinking your busy while I just sit around doing nothing.”

You swore you could see the wheels turning in his brain, “Why don’t you sit in on the next few meetings with me? They may be boring to you, but you understand this planet better than anyone in the First Order, you may be able to offer some insight.”

“Ok,” you said smiling at your little victory, being able to spend some more time with him even though you would be in a room filled with other people talking about other things. You just wanted to be near him—to know him.

He let go of your hand to put his glove and helmet back on. He took your arm this time and lead you out of the room and down the hall to a conference room full of different world leaders. Maybe this isn’t what you thought it was going to be.

[a-s-levynn]

5, 1, 80, 22, 84, 47, 53, 18, 94, 48

*I totally used a pseudo random number generator :p *

Thank you so much for asking this many!! I love this list so much. Also random number generators are valid with a long list like this.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? I just answered it!

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Well it atually was yours here on tumblr. But other than that: “It is really delicious” from my brother

18: Do you believe in karma? Oh i do. Well i usually don’t call it that but the idea is the same. I think the world balances itself out in it’s own way.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? I did, it was fun but i don’t know if that was the company or that i was really far from being sober. It’s kind of a miracle non of us drowned that night really. Also that lake is just... okay it wasn’t that bad back then but now i wouldn’t put my hand in it even in a rubber glove. I’d probably wouldn’t do it again, definitely not while sober and i try to stay that way these days. But it was fun.

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? Douxie. I don’t think i have to say more than that.

80: What size shoes do you wear? US             UK             EU 8.5             6.5            39             Which is funny given that i’m not that tall (160cm)

84: What is a saying you say a lot? Uuhh... i don’t know? Maybe that “I’m not a smart kid” or “I probably can’t say anything smart about this/that” or something along these lines. Oh yeah i used to say that “For everybody their own fate is the hardest” but i don’t think i said it in a while to anyone.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Oh come on... i want to hear their music not have sex with them. Okay i probably wouldn’t kick quite a few of them out of my bed but i have no idea? Most of them whom i like have family and kids and it is just weird to think about this? Can i trade the sex to a drink of their choice and an hour of conversation?

I’ll put the rest under the cut, because it’s starting to get long. Also the next two questions are a bit more personal and i’m more comfortable with them this way.. Well i could have chickened out of them with way shorter answers but than what’s the point doing these ‘ask me’ things? One of them is about my sexual orientation, it’s long, it contains somewhat stronger language and it mentions sex? I have minors among my followers now so i’m trying to be considerate okay? If you are small don’t read it!! Or whatever. Who am i to talk?

53: Do you save money or spend it? The thing is that my mom can’t really send me money for quite some time now so now i have to manage to stay above water somehow by myself. I save money when i can and rarely spend it on anything else but essentials. Well i pay for one game monthly but that’s it. Sometimes yeah i buy small things but i have to keep a strict check on my balance. I just don’t make enough at the moment to save and spend as well. There are months i barely get out above or at least on zero. All depending on how many days i can work the given month and how many discounts i can catch. So yeah. I’m actually too broke to spend money most of the time.  

48: What’s your sexual orientation? Uuh now this is a hard one. I don’t even like to talk much about it that often but i can be a little bit open sometimes about things like this. I don’t really like labeling myself as this or that because i’m not exactly well versed in the terminologies especially these days. And they are limited in meaning and i really don’t feel like looking it up all of them because ultimately it as important as what i ate for breakfast. Meaning it’s not important at all. At least for me. I know it is important for some and i respect that. You do you, let me do me. We are cool. I get that people need short codes to absorb information easier. Or triy to identify themselfs easier. I’m people too. I just don’t consider myself a person sometimes. I’m just me.

But i talked about enough nonsense already so i’ll try to give you a brief picture why i was and still am a little bit confused with sexuality for time to time. Mind you it really doesn’t bother me that much, it is what it is, it’s a part of me and it will stay that way. And it isn’t a big part of my everyday life anyway. But maybe some of my followers feel similarly, and this can assure them that they are not alone or something? I don’t know. I just feel like i’m at a point in my life when i can somewhat coherently write this down, because i know some key points.

In addition, i’m born female, but i really couldn’t care less about my gender. I don’t mind being called ‘sir’ wich happens on occasion, i don’t care if i’m considered along with the guys in a group or if i’m treated as a lady for that matter. I go as a female in general because of simplicitiy’s sake but i really don’t care.

So first as an unassuming wee teenager i thought i’m bi because i didn’t make a differenc between girls or boys. But then not much later i realized i practically could sleep around with anyone if i’m in the mood which comes and goes like a tidal wave. Just not as often. So then i though i must be pan obviously. But to be perfectly honest i really do not care about the person i’m with or if i’m with anyone at all or just by myself. It’s more like: my body needs a release but that’s pretty much it. Sex doesn’t really gives me emotional satisfaction, but almost exculisvely physical. I do not have an actual emotional respose to sex. I don’t mind it, far from it but it just... it’s almost like eating a toast or something? If that makes any sense?

And then there is on side of the swing with the fact that i’m really not getting romantic feelings for anyone. I tried so hard when i was younger but it’s just not there. I thought i had crushes in like elementary and highschool but later i had to realize it was just like... either some innocent form of admiration or purely physically sexual interest? I mean i can see when a person is handome/pretty or nice; funny and charming and all, and i realize i like that in people but that’s it. No butterflies in my stomach or whatever. But i intellectually do understand romance, i get why people like “romantic” things and such. I get it, they are nice but.. i don’t know, i don’t feel it. And then back to the other side of the swing. It happens that i look at someone and go hell yeah you look nice, i’d gladly let you fuck me or i’d fuck you without a second guess for that matter. And act upon these thoughts have been known to happen. But then again i always have this weird feeling afterward that i should feel something about the person i was with but.. it’s missing? Like completely. It doesn’t matter if it’s a complete stranger or someone i know. And it makes me feel weird, a little sad and a tad disgusted about myself. In addition i actually really do enjoy flirting with people regardless of the outcome. If something comes out of it then why not if i have a mind for it at the time but if it’s just almost inncoent fun, even better. That way i’m not going to feel weird about myself. And then there are times when i can’t even think about people in that regard without feeling nausea. I mean these periods can last for months or even years. And at times like this i just don’t want to be tuched in a way like that or tuched at all. I just want to be left alone.

So i just adapt to whatever my brain and body negotiates for the next period of time and act and behave accordingly of course within reason. Maybe this is why i’m out of the dating and partner finding scene for years now. I don’t care about having a partner right now. I have a few friends and that seems enough for now. I might be somewhere on the A spectrum in some regards but i wouldn’t dare to outright say that either because reasons above. I don’t know, you guys can label it if you feel like it but i’m okay with it as it is.

So put it simply: it’s just really fucking confusing sometimes, but hey this is how i am, to my knowledge i never actually harmed anyone with it, so it’s all good, you know.