#am i a fake autistic for not really knowing how to do that or enjoying it

[mellosdrawings]

Do you think in the N2 Squad, Jamil will just randomly get a burst of confidence and flirt with Leona and Vil, just for them to turn it around on him and he then gets so flustered he enters Caterpillar Mode™️ (pulls his hood over his face) for a solid hour?

I kept this one in my asks for a long time coz, while I thought it was a good ask and wanted to draw something for it, I am also plagued with the terrible curse of being both aromantic and autistic and struggling a lot with the very concept of ~*flirting*~

So first, gonna thank @aria-faye and @the-fab-fox for their insights and having the patience to explain to me the big strokes of flirting.

And now, I'm gonna quote aria-faye word for word cause he explained Jamil's flirting perfectly well in my opinion :

"I feel like Jamil is just... bad at flirting. He can tease and joke and all that, but when he's doing it with the intention of flirtation, i feel like he stumbles. His version of intentional flirting would probably be just... being overly straightforward. Saying what he's thinking for once."

"I feel like Jamil isn't very charismatic when it comes to flirting, so he isn't saying it [compliments] in any sort of way. Just pointing out a fact, which, to him, is flirting. Because it's not something he'd normally say aloud."

"Here's the thing: I think if they played the flirting game, and if Jamil said something intentionally over-the-top, teasing flirtatious, they [Leona and Vil] would match his energy and do it right back. BUT Jamil would be equipped to volley that back over and over. It's not flirtation that gets him. There's an element of disingenuous in flirting. It's all exaggerated, a bit untrue. It's an act - a mutually agreed-upon act that everyone in the group enjoys, but an act nonetheless. And Jamil is EXCELLENT at acts. He's no blushing flower when it comes to flirting. He would take that stuff all the way to bed if that's where it led him. But compliments? He has no idea how to take compliments. He has such a low opinion of himself for so long that he never learned. Compliments are what make him blush. Not flirting."

"Like, Leona could be like 'Damn Baby, what does that tongue do?' And Jamil would immediately respond by purring 'Come here and find out.' But Leona being like 'You look beautiful today' would have Jamil like "Oh, um. *blushes, pulls hood over his head* Thanks, I guess.'"

"I think something else that would get him flustered is physical affection. Like he gets all hyped up to shakily hold their hands, and they immediately respond by kissing his cheeks and being sweet to him. That would make him blushy too."

"Flirting is basically just manipulation. Jamil knows how to do that. He's really good at that. It might surprise him at first, but if he's the one initiating, he wouldn't do it unless he knew exactly what he was doing. Flirting for real is kind of fake. A teasing dance you do to get to a more intimate set of behaviors. And Jamil is great at this kind of thing. There are a thousand ways to make him blushy if he's not initiating. But if he's initiating, that implies a level of confidence, so the options for making him blushy circles right back around to honesty."

"Leona and Vil flirt by antagonising each other, so it might take them a second to realize that whenever Jamil drops an Honesty Bomb on them like this and speaks plainly, he's flirting. But once they know, Jamil will never know peace again, because they turn it right back on him and compliment him honestly until he's curled up and hiding in his hood and begging them to stop."

(Yes we had a very long discussion about it x))

[tatsugiriroll]

watched the first two eps of travel season!! I was going to make a nice pleasant informational post about what was in them but then I realized people are going to make up shit to get mad at anyway because That’s Online Activism, Right? so here’s what I bothered to put down, with a side of salt

“I don’t want to watch two guys eat food I’ll NEVER be able to afford!!!” the first two places they went to, they got fried chicken for two and four bucks respectively. Next fake outrage claim please

the sauces looked really good. I want to try cheese mustard..

I’ve never watched Andrew in other shows before. I enjoy his calm vibe.

their “brick” camera is fun and cute

i want the ceramic tiger from the flea market.

I didn’t know the magpie was the national bird Or that it was a “tooth fairy” of sorts. excellent because I love magpies

im not a big noodle guy but man those noodles looked very good

isn’t it so weird that Steven (the guy whose passion is food and cooking) gets so much hate for eating a bunch on his shows but when Shane and Ryan go to Knott’s Berry Farm (again) and eat themselves sick it’s so great and fun? 🤔 Weird I wonder what the difference is

gonna be real I like Steven and Andrew’s traveling show vibe more than Shane and Ryan’s. Shane and Ryan honestly feel like they’re always straining to be The Funny Guys���️ viewers Want them to be, making jokes and fucking around and only Sometimes getting to be genuine and insightful; Andrew and Steven have a much more laid back repertoire going. instead of just jokes they’re talking about what they love about traveling

I want to try hotteok so bad wtf…

OCTOPUS??? (Sadly) octopus… (REMEMBERS I ENJOY THE TASTE OF OCTOPUS) Octopus >:9

poor Steven spiceboy… doing Ryan’s I Am Not My Fear bit….

Andrew relatable about pets

I’ve also really been wanting to try tonkatsu. For someone with my (autistic, anxious) eating habits watching other ppl try this stuff can help get me excited

I LOVE places that let you put post-its on the walls

Andrew has the same outlook on spicy food as me like how annoying… stop being so spice already …

Steven’s wife bringing him homemade kimchi… sweet :’3

I enjoyed it. I want to see what else they do!! I hope there’s a dessert episode !!

[zebulontheplanet]

I woke up with a lot of hate from anons so let’s clear some things up.

All that I talk about is professionally diagnosed except one diagnosis I have (which is POTs) is unofficially officially diagnosed. Which means the doctor hasn’t written it in the chart but is treating me for POTs.

I can talk about my PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED BPD if I want too. Before I said it was probably a misdiagnosis. Now I’m saying that I might be wrong and I think I should hear people out about it.

Another thing. Having the amount of diagnoses that I have IS. NOT. NORMAL. it is not normal to have 10+ conditions. However, it’s possible. It’s REALLY POSSIBLE. Because I am here, and I do have 10+ diagnoses and I am professionally diagnosed, and I know people who have about the same as me or even more! Because being disabled has this wonderful thing called comorbidities. Which I have a lot of.

Another thing, me being able to type well doesn’t mean I don’t have an intellectual disability. There are many people who have intellectual disability who go on to do amazing things! Who have families, who have kids, who are married, who have successful businesses, who have done all these things! And there’s people with ID who have not. That’s ok. We need to stop lumping people with ID in one single category and instead realize it’s a very large spectrum of capabilities and strengths.

Another thing, i have a lot better things to do then come on here and fake having disorders. I have a life. I have family. I have 5 siblings living at home and I’m the second oldest so you can imagine how busy I am. I DO NOT need to come on here and fake having conditions and disabilities. I come on here and talk about disabilities I DO HAVE because I want to share about them in my free time and I enjoy it. I don’t have to, I don’t care what other people think. I’m just here to have fun.

One last thing. I’m laughing at all you anons that sent me hate because I could really not give a fuck. I’m gonna go on with my day and talk with my boyfriend and hang out with my aunt today. So…fuck off.

Also, being autistic does not excuse you from ableism. Have a nice day!

[ineffasaurus]

An (embarrassingly long) post of my gushing about good omens:

I’m 16, but I’m writing from when I was 12/13 So it’s almost the end of summer, 2019, I remember this moment as clearly as anything. As clear as tasting my favourite food for the first time ever.

I’m layed on the patch of fake grass on the patio, with a couch cushion to rest my chin on. I’m scrolling some good old 2019 TikTok, I see this random cosplay of a demon and an angel. This is where it all began. This was the birth of it all 😂. I didn’t know I was autistic at the time but it was and still probably stands as 1000% my biggest special interest. I just loved this show, the characters, the actors, the writing, and all the crew I researched and I especially grew this strong bond towards the two main characters .

Crowley and Aziraphale were like real people to me for a long time, their story got me through a lot, took me right through 2020 when I had no friends ; when I was stuck in most of the year, It was a perfect distraction.

I am so grateful for Neil, Michael, David and everyone in the fandom. The community wasn’t just about the show and the book, ( and the radio production lol ), it was so much more about how we all felt during this weird weird year, and how we looked forward to whatever new content Neil had for us as it helped us stay grounded in reality whilst also helping us escape into numerous worlds of fantasy. I bought the book, then the DVD, which came with these exclusive prints, that I cherished like a little weirdo and I stuck them on a piece of paper and made it into a poster, I remember tagging Neil on Twitter in which he reposted my stupid little poster and I went straight to tell my aunt who probably couldn’t care less. She did actually really support me in this obsession, she was invested as much as I was in the lives of the actors and booked tickets for me to go to a sort of comic con in Wales to see Michael in person. Me and my best friend at the time, had costumes all set up as Aziraphale and Crowley. It made me feel so special and really I’ve never had that same feeling about any other franchise. I don’t even feel that strongly about dinosaurs, but the feeling is similar. Like I happened to stumble on this perfect thing, perfect to me in a way that I still don’t understand. It just made me so happy, and that’s what I’m grateful for. I can’t believe looking back now we couldn’t see I was autistic because the way I knew every single little fact and tidbit about the show, the production, the references, the costumes etc, it was honestly something that should be written in history books.

So, back to Neil, I read about four More of his books and in doing so, fell back in love with reading for a while, Ocean at the End of the Lane was special to me, I liked how Neil did and still does blend magic with the mundane. It appealed to me. I also became interested in religious history in a way, not so much, but I liked to research the angels and demons that were represented in the show. This isn’t supposed to be an analysis of the show, although that would also be something I’d enjoy a lot. I just want to get all these words out of my head about this chunk of my life that shaped who I was because I was only around thirteen. Everything was changing in my life, I needed this one form of escapism. Thank you Neil, for good omens, it won’t be so special to everyone as it is to me, but I will always love it and I am unbelievably excited for this new season. Roll on that 2019-2021 obsession, She’s back for round two. 🫶😇😈

@neil-gaiman Thankyou :)

[ethers-moth]

Autistic people with the same special interests (the two of you) are about to have a field day.

So. Repo! The genetic opera. The magnus archives. The Archival Repo!. The Repo! Archives.

Anyway

Shiloh is developing corruption

- bug collector

- not a full blown avatar but is kind of in the Jonathan Sims position to be influenced by a LOT of them

- feeds on Nathan’s anxiety (she thinks it’s her illness, but it’s more likely just dread that he’s a failure of a parent. He is.) (I love him why is he like that)

- 17 has her say “I always longed for true affection, but you compared me to a corpse”, so when she leaves at the end of the movie that signifies her evolution into an avatar (or rejection of it?) bc she is left with nothing but her bugs. We don’t really know

Nathan is either Slaughter or Hunt

- I definitely am more inclined for hunt for Nathan

- the hunting at the beginning and later when he and Shiloh are on the phone he definitely could do it a lot faster and less dramatically

- he definitely enjoys it is my point

- “thankless job” is also a prime example of his feelings on this job and or its moral implications

- obviously he’s unstable too and that influences jt but he kind of reminds me of Daisy Tonner where he’s over the ethical issue mostly

Luigi is definitely slaughter

- there’s not a really a need for question man is violent and angry I feel like there’s no question he shanks and yells and gets half naked for fun.

- his treatment of the gentern bringing coffee is a great example, he had no reason to freak out other than. Being like that. And also bc he can

- that’s about it actually he feeds on subordinates fear of his unforgiving temper it’s pretty CUT and dry

Pavi is. Hmmm. Flesh??

- I’m stuck on this one, however I think flesh fits best

- his face stealing reminds me of specific serial killer behaviors (usually due to parental issues) that involve using others body parts, usually skin (Ed Gein with his skin suit of his mother I think??) though I think his environment is part of why the face thing is a little less wrong in canon. Idk he’s a fucking FREAK okay

- also we never see his actual face so I feel an argument that it’s tied with dysmorphia isn’t unreasonable

- Pavi feeds off of adoration (even if it’s fake) from the Genterns as well as the fear of having your face skinned

- seriously what is wrong with him

- with the Genterns his boisting of “ask a gentern who they prefer” and overtly unacceptable sexual behavior (“my brother and sister should fuck”) feel like someone who wants validation and attention even if it’s not positive attention

Amber is Flesh too

- I think for a different reason from Pavi, she doesn’t have “inferiority” Dysmorphia that I think he has

- instead, I think Ambers behaviors are “superiority” dysmorphia (both terms I made up)

- in Ambers case she’s changing her appearance to cope with a shifting sense of self and strive for perfection caused by her notoriety and never being told no

- Amber feeds off of being desired and seen and is one of the most famous people in the known canon universe, but her blatant jealousy of Mag really depicts her motivation for perfection

- she also feeds herself to graverobber for drugs (deleted song ‘try my new parts’) I don’t care how good their surgical techniques are nobody is healing their hole that fast without hurting themselves somehow

- basically if Pavi is MAG 90 Amber is MAGP 2

Graverobber is End or Buried

- the end is for obvious reasons with corpse robbing and his lack of fear or caution around death @brainvomitintheparkinglot ‘s idea

- for buried, he’s literally a crack dealer

- he basically feeds the entire cities drug supply (trapping them in addiction that is hard to escape)

- the web usually deals with addiction but I don’t think he has manipulative or controlling motivation, he just works the system against other people

(Rottis corporation supplying everyone is the web, graverobber is a chunk of dust caught in it)

- as shown with Amber, he wont supply without money either, hypothetically pushing his clients into further debt (esp if they have geneco loans) AND addiction

- graverobber feeds off of the metaphorical suffocating nature of debt and addiction as mentioned, and well as literal suffocation

- following the drug thread, I will be treating zydrate like Heroin, in the idea it can be a powder or liquid (even though we only see it as a liquid in canon)

- like most painkilling drugs it can be assumed zydrate can induce vomit and therefore asphyxiation OR in the case of a powder that is inhaled, generally that isn’t optimal for breathing

- also graverobber is probably covered in corpse dust and like. Anthrax

Rotti is web (again, thank you @brainvomitintheparkinglot)

- his company owns the entire city (corporatocrocy)

- he literally controls everyone, his money controls his fucked up kids, and the entire system is his

- the rift with Shiloh and Nathan was organized by Rotti, and I feel like Ambers problem with Mag is somehow his fault too

- as far as I know, Mags blindness is never canonically explained, Rotti could easily be responsible like he was with Marni

- Rotti feeds off the obvious, control over everyone. He also is disappointed his kids found ways around his authority, and yet they’re STILL in his web (addicts and also fucked in the head bc of the circumstances he raised them in)

Mag is. The eye

- yeah. This one is the most direct

- I have a headcanon that she can see through cameras (how she found Shiloh) and how she seems to know all about what is happening in Shilohs life

- mag is both a victim and an avatar of the eye, she sees everything going on around her with the people she loves, but all eyes are always on her, trapping her where she is.

- literally had to do a Melanie king except she didn’t escape, the web and the eye often work in opposition in TMA while also being quite similar, she and Rotti much the same.

- “take these eyes I’d rather be blind” is an inadvertent argument with Rottis control of the web, he kills her for it

Lastly, Marni is either End or Desolation

- she’s not actually present in the film

- End is bc she died and yet is still so so important to the plot

-desolation is bc her actions are kind of why everyone in the story has issues

I could make a whole separate post on Rottis fucked up crack zydrate addicted kids

[cult-of-the-eye]

WAIT GUYS IT'S LIKE 1 AM AND I NEED TO SLEEP BUT OH MY GOD TMA COMMUNITY AU

Jon is abed nadir

Brown

Autistic

How much different is film making and an entrenched need to See and Know everything really?

Vaguely off putting

Gets bitches when he wants to

Listen abed is just college Jon, back when he was less traumatised

Evil abed would be Jon in like S4/5 I guess

Does that make Martin Troy Barnes????

It doesn't quite work cause Martin is neither athletic, nor a himbo and Troy wouldn't know how to use a kettle

I don't know

ELIAS IS DEAN PELTON. FUCK YEAH

GAY

(well pan technically but comes off as A Gay Man)

Tell me that when the jig is up and he's like ah caught them might as well enjoy tormenting them while I can, he wouldn't be a fucking nightmare boss dressing up in costumes

He'd be like how's my favourite archival team?????????

Low key evil and high key manipulative

But super pathetic in the end

Oh my god guys I'm so right

Sasha I think would be Britta

I know Britta was made fun of a lot for her feminist views and stuff but obviously nowadays those views are more accepted

She's got the same level of fierce determination and love for everyone around her, even if she doesn't go about it right

She would totally hack into somewhere if she could

Yeah it makes sense...sort of

Wait would Peter Lukas be pierce???

Old racist white man

Homophobic gay

Has a dynasty

Yeah

Tim could be Jeff I could maybe see that

THE RAGE

THE SUAVE

THE DADDY ISSUES

That one time where Jeff just

WAIT FUCK NO. JEFF ATTACKS A TABLE WITH AN AXE. HES JON.

Wait wait wait this makes a bit more sense

Cause Jeff cons his way into becoming a lawyer

He has huge imposter syndrome, he's faking it all

Just like Jon is

Except he's doing a better job

So imagine Jon if he had major daddy issues and a bit more charisma

They have the same level of not chill but desperately trying to cover it up

Like that one episode where pierce tries to find his dad

And he freaks the fuck out

That's such a Jon coded freaking out

He literally tears a magazine in half and then shrieks into mid air

YESSSSSSSSSSS ugh I'm such a genius

Also Jon and Elias relationship mirrors the deans and jeffs

Like the homoerotic favouritism guys

How the dean blackmails Jeff into doing karaoke with him OH MY GOD.

He only difference is the faked confidence and charisma, Jeff does it better

Oh my god wait is daisy fucking CHANG????

Insane

Murderous

Chang once chased a monkey through a vent

The hunt vibes

Or maybe chang is michael

They're both completely and utterly nonsensical

Just sort of appears and everyone is worse for it

Makes everyone's head hurt

I'm 10000% certain Chang has stabbed someone before and would do it again

Yeah that man is the most avatar of the spiral I've ever seen

Basira could be the sane security guard

Georgie is that one girl in season 6, the one who used to be a IT person

Melanie would be Annie I think, she's definitely murderous enough

This has GRIPPED me and will not let go.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really excited, but I’m getting a bit nervous about going to see The 1975. I’m a pretty new fan, as I only started to listen to them last January. I’m worried about being judged for not knowing the lyrics to all of the songs, cos I do struggle with learning lyrics, and I’ve seen so many TikTok’s slagging off “fake fans” who don’t know the words. I’m also worried about being judged for not being a fan of certain songs that others go crazy for. (I’m not a big fan of People, for example. It’s okay, but I tend to skip it as it’s not really my vibe).

I know it seems stupid that a woman in her 30’s is genuinely anxious about this, but I’m also Autistic, so I struggle with shit like this. It’s gonna be a big thing for me, as this is the first gig I’ll have gone to completely on my own.

Any advice?

oh my goodness I’m so excited for youuuu. 💗💗💗

babe, first off, let me apologize on behalf of the entire fandom. Old fans and new fans. For making your experience anything less than perfect. Fandom politics are fuckin insane and we need to just stop with that shit. I’m not sure if any of this counts as helpful advice but I think, while it is okay for some songs to gain iconic status, generally speaking, everyone related to and experiences music differently. Like, I think Robbers, Somebody Else, About You, etc will always be special songs no matter what because they’ve come to symbolize huge milestone moments in the boys career. But other than that it’s not fair for anyone to decide that if you don’t like a certain song then that makes you less of a fan because we all engage with the art that we like differently and for different reasons. Our subjective tastes are informed by our personalities and experiences and things we enjoy. How boring would it be if everyone liked the exact same stuff and expressed their enthusiasm of it in the exact same way all the fuckin time????

Plus, this is not Harry Styles or Taylor Swift or whatever. The boys make the kinds of music that they do because they know there’s not one right way to be a fan. They’re fans of a bunch of different stuff. What was it that the ad that mads received after her show described them as? 😂 @toomuchracket was it “genre-hopping”?? Lmao. They’re genre hopping!!! So if you don’t like People then you’ll POTB or LIIWMI or Playing On My Mind or Sex or Fallingforyou. Because the boys themselves love emo and punk but they also love country and pop and house music and 70s rock and soul etc etc etc. the idea that you must like certain things to be a fan is dumb and counterproductive. And if I could line these people up against a wall to smack them one by one I would. Cuz all that does is make the fandom toxic and makes newer fans uncomfortable.

actually I highly recommend songs you don’t necessarily like. Before my show, I was okay with Heart Out but it wasn’t like my favorite thing ever. It’s not like the first thing that pops into my head when I think of the 1975 and their artistry. But then they played it at my show and OH. MY. GOD. I am a changed woman now. The drums!!!! George made the floor underneath my feet vibrate. I felt it in the ground first then it went up to MY FUCKIN RIBCAGE. And the guitar??!! Jesus fuckin Christ. I mean I’m sure it’s just that they tune it differently for live shows but it sounded so much fuller and multi dimensional and stronger. Blew my mind. Now I LOVE heart out. Hahaha.

I also just think we need to be better at approaching newer fans because if nothing else they’re proof that the band is still connecting with more and more people and reaching places it hasn’t before and more people joining the fandom means they’re successful!! there’s only one wrong way to be a fan and that’s to disrespect their boundaries like fuckin morons on TikTok and Twitter stalking Matty’s hotel and his house. Or talking about house ATVB used to be fun when he used to be problematic even though that obviously hurt him mentally and emotionally and affected his career. Or like acting as if the 1975 is just matty. That’s the wrong way to be a fan. Other than that you’re literally doing what music was meant for and enjoying what you like nobody has any right to judge you for it and if they wanna be asshole they can get fucked. IM SO SO EXCITED FOR YOU. YOURE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN!!! The fans are generally kind and sweet for the most part I made so many new friends in the queue and in the pit I promise it’s gonna be amazing. please come back and tell me how it all went 💖💖

[donniesexceptionalmind]

Heyy :D

(Edit: I’M SO SORRY I WROTE DOWN SO MUCH 😰)

Of course you can ignore this message, I just have a question and I don’t know who else I could ask this so…

It’s not necessarily a question about autism, but as far as I know it somehow has something to do with it, my question is about this stimming thingie :)

I always did many thing for stimming (for example rocking (💜), leg wiggle, fidgeting around with things and unconsciously destroying them, rubbing my arms and hands and many, MANY more things.

Then I started researching stuff and found out that what I’m doing is… well yeah… stimming. But now when I do one of these things and I notice that I’m doing it, it just feels weird and fake and I don’t know anymore if i do it on purpose or not, if i should stop or… yeah stuff like that.

It’s just that I read everywhere on social media that many people feel this way and tbh I don’t know where I wanted to go with this question…

Can you say something about it maybe?

Aaaand a bonus question:

Tbh I think it’s possible that I have asd, I researched a lot and there are just so many things I relate to and it would explain SO SO much. Also, some of my friends know pretty much about all this stuff and said it could be possible as well. I don’t want to self- diagnose myself, but every time I want to talk with my parents about it, they get a liiiiittle mad and I don’t know how to reach a professional… do you probably have any advice?

(Sorry, It’s just that when I scrolled through your posts it felt right to ask you… I don’t really have anyone around me that I can talk freely about this stuff)

And thank you if you answer this… essay 💞💞💞✨

You and your posts are so cool and I love scrolling through them 💜

Greetings, anon! ✨️

To the first part of your ask:

Stimming is a completely normal human behaviour. Every human stims. There is nothing wrong with doing it. Period.

Autistic people just need it a lot more frequently to process information & to balance emotions.

If you enjoy stimming & it regulates you, that's awesome & you should definitely continue. As long as you're not hurting yourself OR someone else with it, why should you suppress it?

Suppressing stimming will only harm your mental health. I speak from experience here.

Just don't.

A second thing I want to address is

Imposter syndrome regarding autism:

Being aware of symptoms & noticing the exhibition of autistic behaviours can lead to one feeling they're faking autism.

'What if I fake being autistic? What if I am making this up?"

That's your sweet, juicy imposter syndrome.

Consider this: you got a lot of information about yourself (possibly). Naturally, you'll see yourself from the autistic lense because you have more insight.

You don't have to self-diagnose if you don't want to, but a well-founded self-diagnosis is valid to the majority of the autistic community (including me). Even if it turns out you're not autistic - there's no harm in trying to understand & help yourself.

You can also try to treat yourself as if you were an autistic person & see if that benefits you: try out noise-cancelling headphones, fidgets, ... there are so many accommodations you can try out without a formal diagnosis.

Parents can be hard to face when it comes to disabilities like autism & I can't give good advice here since my dad accepts me with all of my quirks.

You're welcome in the autistic community if you want to be part of it. 💜

Also, thank you so much for your kind words regarding my blog. 💜

[borderline-culture-is]

(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)

I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them

Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.

I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.

I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside

Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.

yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??

-🌟

.

[katyspersonal]

Some fandomry self-reflection

Sometimes during discussions (or even debates) in fandom spaces I swear I feel like people see proving that "it is up to interpretation and there is enough validity in each" as invalidating of their interpretation. Like if they can only enjoy their interpretation as long as it is the ONLY possible one and all other versions are strictly wrong.

I know I am a raging autist obsessing over tiniest details and scrupulously looking for something that can't be found (which is what Soulsborne lore IS), but even I have enough confidence to enjoy my version in coexistence of other versions! The thing is, I never know whether I am actually perceiving something that wasn't spelled out yet, or simply imagining negative things in the discussion because of previous awful fandom experiences! Every time I discuss characters/themes/story, it is not a separate discussion in the vacuum but a full baggage of all previous discussions like that, some of which ended in being accused of having a bias that doesn't exist!

I think my only real bias is making sure that whatever dominant/"gospel" interpretation is has its status as 'the one and only correct version' doubted (ENTP moment, I know). Like, I am defending alternative take not as much because I enjoy it, but more because I want to show that the "opponents" are also something to respect and coexist with. With every 'gehrman misunderstood / didn't accept the real maria!' discussion I am closer and closer to confronting that my interpretation does, in fact, align closer with people I "debate" on this. And it is the sense of superiority and invincibility of the version that gets under my skin, not the version itself.

I just really hope that some day I'll find true thinking and creative independence. Like.. being bothered by how never doubting an interpretation and seeing people with different one as far below equal inevitably leads to fandom-bullies and "weaker" side being accused of wild things is not good. GOOD thing is to not care about the fandomry and community at ALL, to just post what you like without any regard whether it will make someone feel seen, or whether some mean controlling loosers will use it to back-up their attacks on """wrong""" interpretations. Is it, though? What I just wrote sounds selfish and asocial in a bad way, not in 'harmless introvert' way, but then 'caring' leads to forgetting what my own opinion even is. I guess there is just NO way to be happy in a fandom as long as you wish it prosperity and variety of headcanons (with TRUE respect, not fake one fandom bullies only claim they have to avoid people seeing their intentions).

I think I am just lost, and, again, the only way out is to block out everything except what I personally like. But people that do what I like ARE mostly control-freak and fandom bullies, and I don't like THAT behaviour, which translates in stopping liking the takes by association, but then I backtrack and realise I am with better people but do they always have better takes? It is like in the middle of everything.

[butch-bakugo]

Look y'all, as a person who will 100% take advantage of every chance I get to shit on trump... I gotta point out ablesim in our movement in the form of the whole teasing him for needing a diaper.

Many people; older children, teens, adults and seniors, need to wear diapers at some point in their matured lives and they live with a constant stigma attached to this thing they need. From people assuming they are doing it for kink reasons or cause "their weirdos", assuming they must also be mentally disabled and pull out all the fun mental ablesim/sar, assume they must always stink or must be constantly relieving themselves, assuming their constantly dirty or unable to care for themselves...

Incontinence is something many people deal with and are HEAVILY embarrassed about because of ableism. They feel like they have to hide that a big pad to fully just diapers are something they need and there's nothing to be ashamed about. People who suffer from incontinence don't deserve to be shamed over it.

Here's where we circle back around. Trump needing a diaper for whatever reason is neutral. It's not a funny ha ha baby man needs a diaper moment, it's someone in old age who suffers from incontinence. Is he a really horrifically shitty and bigoted person? Yes. But just cause the villain needs a wheelchair doesn't mean your a-ok to suddenly start calling them a vegetable or a cripple or joking about them getting dumped out their wheelchair and laughing at their helplessness. Just cause you begrudgingly add alittle disclaimer whining about how this only applies to trump and doesn't apply to others who need diapers(not that any of you have. You ignore people with relatively invisible disabilities that aren't stuff like diabetes or autism.), dosent mean that those with incontinence cant see the ableism in your comments.

If you went out of your way to shit on a republican who didn't get sarcasm or had autism and specifically making fun of their autistic traits, as a person with severe autism, I'm going to fucking take offense. Enjoy this quote: "Vengefulness still sours the life of the crowd despite the eye of your ire being on one whoms foul." Aka hate is still hate and can affect the innocent even if you all know it's aimed at a bad person. People with autism are still harmed by your allism even if your aiming it at a really shitty autistic person. I'm not black nor am I fully white but I've been around multiple racist white people who justify calling certain black people the n word "if they act like one" and don't think that's racism. Is that an extreme form? Yes but it's the same rhetoric.

Don't make fun of donald trump for needing a diaper. Needing a diaper or pee pad or anything to help with incontinence isn't funny or embarrassing. Incontinence is a neutral symptom that doesn't make someone good or bad or anything else you attach to it. It's a body process that many people suffer from and it's not funny to make fun of what is often a stigmatized bodily function. When you make fun of one person for having incontinence, you make fun of them all and many have disabilities.

There are so many other funny and embarrassing things you could make fun of trump for, like his fake tan or shitty toupee. You could spend that energy on talking about his many crimes and bigotries. You could talk about his scams and schemes that fell through hilariously. You don't need to make fun of incontinence. You don't need to make fun of people who need adult diapers. You don't need to drag many disabled people though the mud to make fun of donald trump.

Take a different route and ask yourself why you find a body function, which should be normalized and not further made fun of, a good target for harassment. There's so much there to work with, pick something that isn't already stigmatized. I promise abled people, it's very fucking easy.

You can say I'm taking this too seriously and it's not that deep but disabled people have asked for YEARS that y'all don't use people's disabilities or health problems as the basis for their punching bags cause it just normalizes that talk towards every person with that disability who pisses you off. If you can see how it's not ok to make fun of someone for being diabetic due to their weight because it's based in fatphobia, you can see how it's not ok to make fun of someone for needing diapers due to incontinence because it's based on ablesim. If you agree that it's wrong to misgender/be transphobic towards someone because they are a bad person who happens to be trans then you can agree that it's wrong to be ableist towards someone because they are a bad person who happens to be disabled. If you lose the ability to not be bigoted towards someone when they piss you off or do something bad then your just a bigot whose nice first. I'm not a trump supporter and I'm not saying we should go easy on him but I am saying there are so many other things to call this oversized orange with a comb over that ARNT based in a stigmatized health condition faced by many people that is so stigmatized, they feel mortified when someone finds out they have incontinence.

Abled people/people without incontinence are legally required to reblog. Y'all never listen to disabled voices when we point ableism in the community.

[iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife]

Για το ask game Edgeworth και Ανδρέας

Miles Edgeworth 💅

First impression: OH I SHOULD GET INTO ACE ATTORNEY IMMEDIATELY THIS MAN IS GOING TO RUIN ME.

Impression now: I was one hundred percent correct in my assumptions. He did in fact ruin me. This man has the range honestly. He is kind. He is an asshole. He is traumatised. He has every subtype of daddy issues known to man. He is a bitchy gay queen. He is aroace-spec (to me). He is autistic. He has NO idea what to do with himself when he is not in a courtroom. He is insane. Ive seen it. I enjoy it. Amen.

Favourite moment: "thanks to you i am saddled with unnecessary.... feelings....". Everything about turnabout goodbyes. The talk with Franziska at the end of aa2. The talk with phoenix after the earthquake in aa3. I could literally never pick Just One moment sorry.

Idea for a story: ... I've brainstormed two (2) aus that involve Edgeworth with two different mutuals. The first one is the Eurovision au where vk just sends miles to represent germany in Eurovision and the second one is the ace attorney/παρά πέντε crossover me and @alalumin have been driving ourselves insane over. Out of the two, the first one is the most fleshed out but the second one i might actually sit down and write for one day. Thats about all the concrete story ideas ive had for this man so far dkskks. Everything else is just a jumble of vague angsty daydreams.

Unpopular opinion: hmmm a lot of people tend to ignore the fact that he was canonically suicidal after aa1 so i suppose that could count as an unpopular opinion? Like if he wasn't actually suicidal, the note meant that he straight up faked his death which makes him an even bigger asshole that he usually is, which in turn makes phoenix's misdirected anger and blame seem a lot more justified? Also a lot of people tend to ignore the fact that phoenix would NOT handle Edgeworth admitting that he meant the note literally well. And honestly im not really blaming anyone here. Their aa2 dynamic is sooo complex, Edgeworth hurt the people that cared about him by hurting himself and not all of them are ready to forgive him immediately and thats fine. I just wish more people would explore this whole thing instead of oversimplifying it yknow?

Favourite relationship: narumitsu obvs but honestly? The Franziska and Miles fucked up sibling relationship means the world to me, its like a really really really close second.

Favourite headcanon: does it actually count as a headcanon if its strongly supported by canon? Idk but he definitely avoids elevators as much as he can and considering that his office is in the twelfth fucking floor the man walks up a lot of flights of stairs. He must have thighs of steel skkskaka. Also i like to think that at some point after the investigation games he went to therapy and he finally (!) got some help for that unmedicated and undiagnosed canon ptsd hes been drowning in since he was nine years old. Also he got Pess because i love her. Maybe she is trained as a service dog. He would love her with all his heart and her death would kickstart a major depressive episode because god knows this man can't handle grief but in the end he could get over it. Maybe even get a second dog or learn how to deal with loss in a less self destructive way. Also i don't think he would ever be able to fully enjoy Christmas? Like sure his fathers death doesn't hurt as much anymore but i like to think that the nightmares rear their ugly head during the Christmas season. Sure, he IS doing better but some things never really go away. He can hang out at the prosecutors office or Wright anything agency Christmas parties without feeling utterly miserable but he doesn't enjoy the holidays as much as everyone else. Some people don't understand why or think thats its just another aspect of his charming personality but the people who do are sympathetic about it.

Ανδρέας Καλογήρου 🔪

First impression: γουαου ποιός είναι αυτός ο μαλάκας λολ. Ειλικρινά νομίζω την πρώτη φορά που είδα το παρά πέντε δεν με ένοιαζε πολύ σαν χαρακτήρας.

Impression now: κοίτα. Έχεις δει το μπλογκ μου. Ξέρεις πως νιώθω για αυτόν τον άνθρωπο. Ο Ανδρέας έχει θεματάρες. Έχει παγιδεύσει τον εαυτό του σε μια θέση στην οποία είναι και θύμα και θύτης και από την οποία δεν έχει τρόπο ή ιδιαίτερη θέληση να βγει. Κατά την διάρκεια του σόου πηγαίνει από την αδιαφορία για τους ανθρώπους που σκοτώνει, στην εμμονή με το να πιάσει τους πέντε και μόνο όταν τον συλλαμβάνουν και όλα τελειώνουν συνηδειτοποιεί πόσο μάταια ήταν όλα αυτά και πόσες ζωές έχει καταστρέψει συμπεριλαμβανομένης και της δικής του. Επίσης ο άνθρωπος είναι μούναρος 😔😔.

Favourite moment: το τηλεφώνημα στον Σπύρο στο φινάλε με στοιχειώνει τα βράδια.

Idea for a story: πέρα από το ο Σπύρος επισκέπτεται τον Ανδρέα στη φυλακή fic που βρίσκεται αυτή τη στιγμή στο wip hell μου έχει καρφωθεί στο μυαλό εκείνη η ατάκα που ο Παυρινός αποκαλεί τον Νίκο πρεζόνι και το τι μπορεί να υπονοεί για το Ανδρέας/Νίκος μπακστορι. Επίσης εκείνο το όνειρο που είχα δει ότι έχει κόρη και redemption arc, angst fic για την γενική κακομεταχείριση που τρώει από τον Παυρινό, το Ανδρέας/Νίκος καφενείο au το οποίο κάποιος πρέπει να γράψει σας εκλιπαρώ και το προαναφερόμενο ace attorney/παρά πέντε crossover στο οποίο εμφανίζεται ως μάρτυρας στην δίκη της Αγγέλας. Το πόσα από αυτά θα καταλήξω όντως να γράψω ποτέ είναι πολύ αμφιλεγόμενο τβχ αλλά το γεγονός είναι ότι μου τριβελίζουν συνέχεια το μυαλό.

Unpopular opinion: δεν ξέρω είμαστε στο παρά πέντε φάντομ, είμαστε δέκα άτομα όλα κι όλα κάθε άποψη μετράει για unpopular κσκσκσ. Αλλά απλά και μόνο για να πω κάτι. Νομίζω όντως προσπάθησε να αγαπήσει τη Ζάνα. Ο γάμος τους ήταν ότι πιο hand in unlovable hand και σφάζονταν όλη μέρα αλλά προσπάθησε να φτιάξει τη ζωή του στην αρχή τουλάχιστον, εξού και ο ευτυχισμένος χετεροσεξουαλ γάμος. Στο μυαλό μου ήταν από αυτά τα ζευγάρια που έχουν ημερομηνία λήξης και το ήξεραν και οι δύο. Μετά έπεσε στα βαθιά με τις δουλειές με τον Παυρινό και πήρανε επιτέλους διαζύγιο. Επίσης δεν νομίζω ότι με τον Νίκο τα έχουνε, έχουνε. Νομίζω έχουν μια ελαφρώς fucked up relationship όπου δεν επικοινωνούν τίποτα εβερ, απλά πηδιουνται περιστασιακά on and off και μετά απλά πηγαίνουν και τα φτιάχνουν με άλλους. Τουλάχιστον στην αρχή. Τώρα αν μετά το τέλος της σειράς βγουν ποτέ από την φυλακή θέλω να πιστεύω ότι θα μπορούσαν να φτιάξουν λίγο τη ζωή τους αλλά αν δεν βγουν ποτέ. Well. Πώς νιώθεις όταν συνηδειτοποιείς ότι αγαπούσες τον καλύτερο σου φίλο χρόνια τώρα αλλά δεν έκανες ποτέ τίποτα για αυτό επειδή απλά δεν τολμούσες να αλλάξεις τίποτα στην μοναδική σταθερή σχέση που σου είχε απομείνει στη ζωή σου και ταυτόχρονα ήσουν πολύ απασχολημένος να σκοτώνεις κόσμο; Πώς νιώθεις όταν συνηδειτοποιείς ότι τώρα μπορεί να είναι πια πολύ αργά; Γενικά head full many thoughts.

Favourite relationship: Νίκος/Ανδρέας δαγκωτό.

Favourite headcanon: ναιιι δεν νομίζω ότι αυτός ο άνθρωπος είχε καλά παιδικά χρόνια. Ή καλό πατέρα. Ο Παυρινός κυριολεκτικά του πετάει πράγματα και αυτός ο καημένος σκύβει να τα πιάσει 😔 babyboy έχεις τραύμα. Η μάνα του είναι νεκρή (ναι κυριολεκτικά αναφέρεται έτσι throwaway σε ένα επεισόδιο και δεν το έχω ξεχάσει ποτέ) και επιλέγω να πιστεύω ότι την σκότωσε ο πατέρας του. Μισεί τον πατέρα του και κατά βάθος μισεί και το γεγονός ότι μεγαλώνοντας έχει γίνει σχεδόν ακριβώς σαν αυτόν. Ξεκίνησε να καπνίζει στο γυμνάσιο. Επίσης δεν πιστεύω ότι τελείωσε ποτέ το λύκειο.

[thesunshineriptide]

OMG I love love love yr fics!!!!! Could i request smthn for Vil, Idia, Malleus, and Lilia with an autistic s/o with a horror movie special interest?? I played through some of the Halloween event and Idia was soooooo based and real talking ab his fav horror franchise.

Horror really isn’t my thing which is why this took so long, HOWEVER it is my friends thing so I put in effort. I focused on specific things for each character because…I know like 4 things

Scary Movie

Characters: Malleus, Lilia, Idia, Vil

CW// horror, horror elements, mentions of Dissociative Identity Disorder in relation to horror (to critique Split), discussion of gore and blood, spoilers for certain movies including US, Jennifer’s Body, and I Am Sophie, mentions of analog horror and horror games, overall creepy horror stuff

Malleus

* Malleus is content to listen to you ramble about horror films from Nosferatu to The Conjuring, but he finds it particularly adorable when you try and explain the Halloween franchise to him

* “Okay, so, it’s really complicated but basically there’s like five movies in between the first Halloween and the new Halloween, and half of them get discounted by the new Halloween because that it splits into a new timeline, and also the Rob Zombie Halloween movies are hilariously bad because he remade the first one and then made a sequel to his remake that is NOT a remake of the second Halloween film[…]”

* He doesn’t watch movies. The last movie he watched was a silent film many, many moons ago. He has no idea what you’re talking about, but it’s fine because you seem so enthused by it

* When you invite him to watch Horror films, he’s not sure what to expect, but…it wasn’t this

* Perhaps he had anticipated something more Hitchcockian, maybe more jump scares and less gore, but maybe….maybe SAW wasn’t the right one to start him with.

* He’s a bit apprehensive when you say you wanna show him a different film, but he’s actually quite delighted to watch the Shining instead. He read this one when it first came out! He is quick to point out the discrepancies between film and novel, though, but hey, it’s a talking point!

* He ends up asking Lilia for recommendations, then comes back to you asking if those are good recommendations because Lilia can be kinda cruel sometimes.

* He doesn’t enjoy silence of the lambs. He also really, really doesn’t like SAW or other gore based films, and much prefers psychological horror because he likes to figure out what’s really going on.

* Actually introduced YOU to a few films, namely The Cabinet of Dr Calagari, the 1923 Hunchback of Norte Dame, and Gaslight. He likes to tell stories about everyone’s reactions to the films at the time, and how cutting edge they were.

Lilia

* Lilia is 100% a horror lover. Doesn’t like psychological horror as much as thriller horror, or comedy horror. Also not a big fan of gore.

* When you bring up your opinions on “US” he gladly joins the discussion

* “The twist at the end was honestly kind of a mind fuck for me. Like it was laid out clearly and makes sense and I kinda guessed it, but the concept of being so easily swapped out nobody noticed because, honestly, we’re the same as our own demons? It’s so interesting. Not to mention the acting was on spot, Lupita Nyong'o was so good in it, she did a great job. Acting double is so insanely difficult and making sure they’re so distinct? Wild.”

* Like Malleus, Lilia is happy to indulge this. He’s content to listen to you talk about how the fake blood is made (and how much fake blood is used) and whether or not a death was realistic or not.

* You two watch the lovely B film of The Banana Splits, and despite it being a bit more gore-y, there’s no way to take is seriously. You both laugh at someone dying via Lolipop

* He’s a gamer too, so he sees exactly what this is in a second. Five Nights at Freddie’s rip-off? Oh, because of behind the scenes drama? My, my, do tell the tea.

* Movie buddy. Will go to the theater with you (and pay!) and watch literally any horror film. Most of the time the movies aren’t nearly as bad as the things he’s seen in his long life, plus it adds to his aesthetic

* He loves Halloween. The holiday, though he likes the film too, and he’s ESPECIALLY excited to go to a haunted house or a horror con with you because he FINALLY gets to be scary!! That’s his favorite!!

* Like Malleus he might share some horror stuff with you, but instead of it being movies, it’s centuries old manuscripts to unfinished, unpublished, or lost horror stories that he’s storing under his bed in plastic bags. And Jesus god is there some horrifying shit…huh, it seems like the villain is all described pretty similarly….wonder what that’s about…

Idia

* Horror movies are one thing, but some of the best horror nowadays is coming straight out of online content creators. You know this, and Idia also knows this. Idia runs his own horror ARG, so he’s familiar with a lot of stuff.

* The magnus archives, Walton Files, backrooms, the Mandela catalogue, hi I’m mary Mary, don’t hug me I’m scared… He’s seen it all

* What he doesn’t expect is for someone else to know about these too. But when he sees your comment on an analysis of “I Am Sophie” he’s instantly committing a few…unethical things to figure out your watch history.

* He sees letplays for various horror games, reviews and analysis videos for various ARGs and Analog Horror series, and even a few watches of his own mysterious series

* Next time he sees you, or hears you’re nearby, he is RUNNING up to you to talk about all of this, and boy is he excited.

* “It’s so trippy that Sophie got replaced by that other girl. And the game reveal? So fucking weird! Hey- wait, Prefect, do you think you’d wanna come…u-uh…do you wanna come play Doki Doki Literature Club with me? I-I think you’re kinda…um…I think you’re SSR tier cool. We should level up our buddy power bonus…”

* Congrats, you summoned the gamer! He badly wants to hang out with someone 5 star tier and you managed to catch his attention

* Now you randomly send each other updates, theory videos, and new releases for games. He even lets you help him out on his little project, since you seem to have great ideas, and sometimes you play horror competitively, timing how long the other can last in Little Nightmares.

Vil

* A film intellectual, Vil knows everything about everything. He’s seen every pretentious film major movie - Clockwork Orange, Eraserhead, We Have Always Lived In The Castle, Mother!, blah blah blah

* But yknow what he hasn’t seen? Classic horror films from the mid 2000s. Yknow, the ones, the usually slightly problematic movies with terrible cgi but a whole lot of heart, sometimes ahead of their time, and generally kinda emo and homoerotic?

* Like, for instance, cult classic film Jennifer’s Body.

* “I think there’s a lot to unpack with it. Cause on one hand, I love the revenge of the girl who…well, she had bad shit happen to her, and she’s getting back as a whole because of this whole bullshit concept of virginity causing her to become a concubus. And then there’s the side of, like, maybe don’t villainize her for getting revenge? Because Jennifer isn’t good either, she’s straight up abusive to Needy, so it’s like. Hmm. It’s a lot to think about I guess. I love the girl bossing and the gay but hhhhh maybe not so much how complicated it to think about. But art is supposed to make you feel that! So I think it achieved a goal.”

* Vil loved hearing analyses of movies, and is content to let you talk about whatever movie caught your attention. He usually has a hot take as well - “Jennifer being a complicated character furthers Needy, who’s the real main character, in her own journey and shows how clearly the cycle of abuse can effect someone[…]”

* Vil wants to show you his pretentious movies. He really wants to know what you think of them, as someone of a target audience for his own films, which leads to critiques about acting rather than set design or story structure.

* “Split sucked from…so many angles. Especially the villianizing of mental illness and he misrepresentation of it n stuff, but, yeah, James McAvoy did a great job I guess. Please don’t do a film like this though, at the very least without talking to a system about how to best represent them…”

[inner-visionz]

Magic City (2d x autistic transboy reader)

Morning after part 2

Start from the beginning

"Anyway, not that I don't enjoy your company but don't you have somewhere to be?" 

My eyes go wide. "Uhh yeah I should go home". I begin to stand up by y/n stops me.

"Stuart your shoes are untied" 

"Fuck uhh"

"..Do you need someone to tie them?" 

"How did you know?"

She sits me back down then gets on one knee and starts to tie them. "You told me last night Murdoc would tie them. You forget how to sometimes, which is understandable you got hit with a car".  

I'm baffled and don't know what to say besides stuttering, "I-I uh told you th-that much?". Not so charming on my part. I mentally slap myself for saying it.  God,Murdoc is right, I am an idiot.

"You told me a lot mate, but dont beat yourself up about it. I still think you're cool", she says tying the last knot and standing up in front of me.

"Thank you", I look down at my shoes she just tied and start to tear up. It made me think of Murdoc and how I miss him. The more I think about it the more tears run down my cheeks. No no, stop it you don't miss him. I feel her pull my head to her stomach and run her fingers through my hair.

"You're okay, please don't cry", she says in a gentle hushed voice. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around her. She continues to run her fingers through my hair to soothe me. "Feel better? or I mean Feel Good? heh, im sorry bad timing". 

I can't help but chuckle at her terrible joke as I let go of her. "It's fine luv. Yes I do feel good. I feel good Inc. actually. You know that's the name of the song not just feel good"

"Are you calling me a fake fan?" 

I look at her confused. "You can't be a fan, you're a human not something with blades that cools people down. Even so you can't be fake"

She laughs a little. "No, I mean a fan as in a fan of the band". 

My face flusters up realizing my stupid mistake. "Oh...yeah, sorry"

She laughs. "Its okay, its kinda cute. In a weird sort of way, I mean the circumstances was awful and im sure its not fun for you..eh I'll stop talking". 

"Im glad you like to ramble too," I smile up at her as reassurance. 

She nods. "Umm I'll see you later then?". 

"Oh right", I stand up from my chair then wave her goodbye before heading out the door. 

Two weeks later

9:00 pm finally rolls around. I have on a plain grey t-shirt with faded jeans and black boots. If (y/n) can see me while I'm ugly crying and drunk then this should be fine. I grab my phone before walking to the front room.

Noodle is sitting on the couch and looks up from her book. "Going back Toochi?"

I stop at the door to look at her. "Uh, yeah I am".

"You've been going back every night and Ace said you met someone. When are we going to meet her?" she teases with a smile. 

"Oh uhhh I don't know see ya later Noodle!" I say before rushing out the door. It's not like we're dating or anything. I don't even like her I mean yeah she's really nice, comforting, a good listener, really pretty, beautiful, soft....

Okay maybe I like her a little bit.

I brush the thought off as I walk into Magic City. I'm greeted with bopping music with pink and red lights blinding me. 

I walk up to the manager and ask for (y/n).

" Yes, follow me she'll be with you in just a moment," she tells me as she leads me to a booth. As we're walking I spot (y/n) with a client. It is painfully obvious that she's flirting. I know it's her job so I'm not bent out of shape about it. Still it stings. 

"Here you go, just sit tight" she said before leaving me alone in the red velvet booth. 

I sit down and wait for (y/n).

About 10 minutes later she comes in and upon seeing my face she brightens up. She sits on my lap like she did before. 

"You will not believe the night I've had". She starts. "People kept touching me even though you're not supposed to. It wasn't anything too bad but it gets annoying not to mention people asking about dates and ugghhh," she groans.

"Sounds like you've had a rough day luv," I reply.

"Tell me about it, so how was your day?"

"Eh we 'ave our tour dates scheduled we're going around the world"

"Ohh sounds fun, oh I guess you'll be gone a while huh?" she said her voice kinda sad at the last part. 

"Well we won't be leaving for a while and I have a question"

"oh? What's that?'

"Well just to add to your ever growing list of men that have asked you out, I'd like to add my name to the list and ask if you wanted to go on a date with me?"

[awetistic-things]

it's funny how most of the times i tell myself "i'm doing it just for attention" or that "i'm just faking it" or whatnot (i'm not diagnosed, i'll have my very first therapy session in two days, pretty anxious about it tbh but anyway) but literally i never talk to anyone about how i feel/my thoughts/my struggles/etc. and i actually have always kind of suffered from being considered "weird" because of my "quirks" or because i've never been as social as my peers and i went as far as self-convincing i was actually extroverted and enjoyed parties/social events in general when they literally make me anxious and i always try to look confident and pretend my awkwardness is just me being funny (i am actually funny tho lol) and i always try to pretend i'm "normal" (who defines normal anyway but okay) .

and anyway it's not like i saw some random post i related to and proclaimed to the world i'm autistic. i made my research and i think there could be the tiniest teeny possibility i might be autistic (tbh i don't feel comfortable with self-diagnosing exactly because i already feel like i'm pretending even if doesn't make any sense. i support people self-diagnosing when "people" isn't me lol).

sorry for the vent :") lately i've just been struggling with the duality of "accepting i have symptoms of autism even if i'm not diagnosed" and "shut up you're just pretending you have them for clout" (even if i know it doesn't make any sense and i'm just making myself feel worse than i actually should).

hello !! :)

i completely understand where you’re coming from. self-diagnosis is tricky to come to terms with, but it’s important to remember that it’s really okay

being self-diagnosed is okay, being formally diagnosed is okay, being self-suspecting is okay, it’s okay

you including yourself in this community isn’t excluding anybody else, there’s room for all us and more some

i get that it’s a lot easier to support self-diagnosed people and go “yeah ! you’re valid !” while also thinking of yourself as a fraud because you are also self-diagnosed, but it’s really fine

at the end of the day, we’re all just autistic people, and some got a doctor to agree with them when they say “i’m autistic !” which is super cool, but another super cool thing is hearing someone say “i’m autistic !” and just them agreeing with themselves

either way, is totally fine

let yourself breathe for a moment, ‘cause at the end of the day you are not a bunch of symptoms, you’re you, and forget anybody that tells you that you’re in the wrong for how you choose to address yourself (including yourself !! you gotta stand up to yourself sometimes and tell them to stop being so mean !! you’re trying your best and that’s absolutely gobsmackingly wonderful and i’m very proud of you for it !!)

just give yourself a break from the “will they won’t they’s” of self-diagnosing, and just do whatever you can to help yourself out

look up advice for autistics online and see if it helps, dump your heart out to your new therapist about anything and everything, just take advantage of any opportunities you see and give yourself a helping hand, because you very much deserve one <3

[occult-roommates]

A scandal in the spellcasting world

One day, late in the evening, the Rossinis cousins were watching a movie on a channel which airs comedy classic. However, nothing made them feel older than the fact the movie currently airing was "Don't Mess with the Zohan". Then, Dawud joined in, and he got so close to Matteo he clipped into him, and Daniele had to pretend he's fine with that. Please someone come put an end to his misery...

Rudi: DANIELE TURN ON THE TV! PUT ON THE NEWS YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED DOWNTOWN!! Daniele: WHAT??

Stressed out, he grabbed the remote control and turned on to SMN24 (San Myshuno News 24), only to see a woman he had never heard of in his life make a speech.

Rudi: Listen listen! Daniele: Rud, this cannot be the right news report for the level of urgency in your voice. Rudi: I had to make it crystal clear in order for your autistic ass to understand how much I wanted you to see this. Daniele: Stop saying I'm autistic! Matteo: You're not?! Dawud: Ok but like, never do it like that again. Like...last time someone said with this tone of voice to turn on the news cause something big happened in the San Myshuno downtown, it was the worst terrorist attack in history.

Because none of them were listening, Rudi rewinded until the beginning of the news report. There, a reporter explained only a few days before the upcoming Magic Realm Summit, a human woman had made a revelation that was shocking the spellcasting world at its very core. It then cut to the woman making a speech, what was being shown when they originally changed channel. It was written below "Delfina Baradoz - History teacher".

Delfina: Welcome everyone, my name is Delfina Baradoz. However, nobody but a few people knows me under this name. The name I used to be known as is quite similar. I am better known as Delphine Lorgnez, the so-called dead daughter of Gwenaelle Lorgnez and Giuseppe Paradisi. According to most, I passed away at only five years old, and yet here I am, turning 53 today.

Daniele felt confused. Why would they even lie about their daughter being dead? Surely, this woman had to be doing it for attention. However, he could not deny how much she look like a perfect blend of Gwenn and Giuseppe.

Daniele: But why? Rudi: Back when my dad was alive he had this friend who was obsessed with faking his death...Well, maybe not obsessed, but he brought it up often enough it was sus, especially whenever he was going through stuff. He'd even suggest it to other people. Dawud: I mean, faking your own death is a bit messed up already for your loved one, but forcing someone, a child even, to fake theirs seems even worse. Daniele: Shut up! I'm trying to listen...

Delfina explained she had remained in hiding her entire life. Her parents had found a human couple in Brittany willing to raise her in secret, and she had spent her childhood under the name Christine Cabioch. Once she turned 18, she wanted to change it back to her original name, but realized she actually quite enjoyed being out of the public eyes, unlike her biological parents, and instead picked one that was a nod to her true identity.

Since then, she had a pretty average life, she got married in her early 20s to a human, found a job in Nantes as a high school history teacher, had three kids with no magical abilities and is actually on her way to become a grandma in three months, has a house and a dog, nothing out of the ordinary. Nobody knows who she really is, even her own husband found that out in the last month in preparation for this speech.

Delfina: But why? Why would they do that? As I said, I enjoyed being out of the spotlight, but it is sadly not the reason why they hid me. If that were the case, there were easier solution. No, as you might have noticed, my life has been very human-centric, and the reason is obvious. I am a human...sort of. The older of you might remember a time when my parents were constantly boasting about me, how happy they were to have a daughter, and how much of a powerful spellcastress I was going to be. Then, tragedy struck and my powers were not developping. I was brought to a doctor, who tested me and found out I never will developed any. I was born with a genetic disorder which prevent my body from processing magic properly.

Embarrassed of having a human daughter after constantly claiming his seed (ew) made the most powerful spellcasters, Giuseppe took...a decision. He decided he will fake his daughter's death and hide her. Delfina is not quite sure how he convinced Gwenn to go along with his plan, but he eventually did. One day, they came out claiming their daughter had died in her sleep of a seizure from undiagnosed epilepsy. In order to make sure nobody will ever speak up, they did erase the memories of Delfina and her new parents.

However, Gwenn was never really out of her life and would often come to visit, on top of Delfina constantly hearing about her in the news regarding her weird cult. Then, at 16, she learnt the truth, which obviously messed her up quite a bit. That was the end of the story.

Daniele: No! This is not true!

The spellcaster stood up, unable to believe it. He literally felt mad on behalf of Delfina, but more importantly, he felt weirdly...hurt? He felt weirdly hurt by this.

Rudi: Hey, Dan? You ok? Daniele: This is not true. Giuseppe would never do that. This woman is just an attention seeker who looks like them, hell a human can have blue hair if they have occult ancestry. And she even said herself she changed her name to sound closer to Delphine's name. And how convenient a memory-erasing spell was even involved in her story. Rudi: How would you know he would not do that? You never met him. Daniele: No but...I mean, he's considered a hero to young spellcaster who struggle with magic or developped their power late. Hell, he even used to believe he had the same condition as this woman claims to have! Why would he even treat her the way he was treated by his own family? Well, like, they didn't exactly do that to him, but they were super abusive even by 1900s standard. Rudi: I'm gonna send you the Wikipedia article about the cycle of a abuse. You will find that a fascinating read. Daniele: I still don't understand why he'd do that! He's like...He's my hero...He gave me hope for me, for when my condition will make me lose my power. Maybe I'll find a way to make them comeback, and he's super based like he's pretty much always been on the right side of history, which is saying a lot for a dude who's 123 years old. Rudi: If only you knew the amount of time I found out musician and artist I loved and respected said shitty things about werewolves, even the super progressive one. And the older they are the worse it is cause you know, back then what they were saying was actually socially acceptable. Daniele: So why don't you understand why I'm feeling hurt. Rudi: He doesn't even know you exist Dan! Y'all never even met!

As they say, never meet your hero, that's how you find out they're asshole. Poor Dan, he didn't even got to meet him before finding out he secretly suck.

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