#and that getting a diagnosis when you’ve got a whole bunch of stuff going on with your brain is like throwing diagnoses at the wall and seei

[creaturebehavior]

here’s how i arrived back to the conclusion that i probably am autistic: always thinking to myself damn for someone who’s not autistic i sure am autistic as hell

[phawareglobal]

Stacy Physick - phaware® interview 376

Canadian pulmonary hypertension patient, Stacy Physick was diagnosed with PH in 2011. She immediately got her affairs in order, believing she only expected to survive 1-3 years.  Now, 10 years post-diagnosis she shares her journey and her conscious decision to lead a normal life.

Stacy Physick: My name is Stacy Physick and I'm in Chilliwack, BC, Canada. It took a while for my pulmonary hypertension diagnosis. I actually didn't start medication until 2011. My connection to PH is they believe it started because I had shortness of breath and a bunch of different symptoms, and I had a bunch of different tests done. Finally my doctors decided it was PH, but what they believed it was caused from was PVOD, pulmonary veno occlusive disease. They thought that was going to move fairly rapidly with me. When they finally decided to start medication, it was just to help slow that progression, hopefully, as well as the PH progression.

I also had open heart surgery when I was four and a half years old and I'm now 63. It didn't stem from that. I'm left with a VSD, a ventricular sepal defect. I also have a small ASD that I've developed over the years, but I've held real stable my whole life with that. I've always been checked by a cardiologist. So that's really where my journey began is because of my breathing issues and shortness of breath and tiredness and things like that.

How I knew the diagnosis was happening is I see a cardiologist on a regular basis. I've seen him annually for basically my entire life. He started with a change in my pulmonary pressure. He noticed, and he said, "You know, don't worry about it yet. It might be okay." I had been at that point already identifying that I had shortness of breath. I wasn't remembering things quite as well. I was a corporate trainer and I also did a lot of presentations, pretty much daily. I did that for a few years. As the years progressed, I started getting shorter and shorter breath trying to talk. So he had noted this pulmonary pressure increase. Then what he did is he said, "We'll just watch it." Then six months later, I came back for a second echocardiogram and the pressures were even higher.

Then my doctor sent me to a pulmonary specialist and that's when they did some more testing. I had pulmonary function tests, another echo. I had a heart catheterization and that's when they determined that, "Nope, you've got pulmonary hypertension." That's where it started from.

The whole reality at that point was kind of a shock to me because he continued to do other tests and then he did the CT scan found out that looked like I was full of PVOD in my lungs. Then the diagnosis came that's likely what it was. We were going to treat it as that. He had done all the clinical testing he said minus the fact of a lung biopsy, which would be the ultimate check off point to say that definitively it was PVOD. Then they set me up with a thoracic surgeon and it was at that time based on my pressures too, they said it was too risky to even do the lung biopsies. So I sort of started with that.

Then what they told me was, "One to two, three years at the outside, because there's no treatment for it, there's no way to cure it and there's no actual direct treatment for the PVOD." So what they wanted to do was treat my pulmonary pressures and try to slow those pressures, which would hopefully slow the progression of the PVOD. They also told me when I was starting, that the drugs that they were putting me on may actually exacerbate the PVOD and it could move faster. So it was a lot to take in because I'm thinking, "Oh great. Now I've got to get my life in order and do all this stuff." Because I had a clock. So it started from there, but I started the medication and that was the beginning of it.

On a day-to-day basis, I was just trying to deal with the reality of the diagnosis that I was given. I was still working full time. As I said, I'm a corporate trainer and I did a lot of presentations as well. What I found is I had already been struggling with tiredness and shortness of breath. So I spoke to my work and we sort of slowed down the volume of presentations. Sometimes I would do eight hours of presentations a day and training and I would just run out of breath. I couldn't do it. Then I would start coughing and I couldn't stop coughing. As things progressed, I found my memory wasn't so good either, which was really affecting my presentation. So I was very fortunate. I had the support from my company and my HR department.

I modified what I was doing. I was able to work for about three years before my cardiologist and lung specialists, the PH specialists, both said that I needed look at cutting back on my work because we were having trouble controlling my pressures at that point. So what I did is I looked to going part-time. I did fight it for a while because I was still fighting my diagnosis, I'll say. I had made the decision early on that life for me was going to be normal, especially for me and my family. I didn't want to show I was ill or had things wrong, for the mindset of my family and my grandchildren. So that kept me working a lot longer than I probably should have. But I finally did go off on disability three and a half years after diagnosis.

I actually was directed right away, once I met the pulmonary hypertension specialist, he and his nurses did identify that there was the PHA Canada Facebook page. I used that and it's been very helpful. I learned a lot. I've posted a lot and especially over the years because the medications they put me on clearly have slowed my diagnosis because I'm still here.

The insurance in BC is different other provinces. For me at the very beginning, when I was put on the medications due to the high cost of the first medication that they put me on, I really struggled financially because my extended plan through my company only covered a limit. I hit that limit basically within the first month. I was then directed to a patient support program through my PH specialist, who were able to cover an additional piece, monthly, of what I was having to pay out. We did have to pay out of pocket and it was extremely expensive. It also put the worry of, "Can I continue to do that?" That went on for close to three years.

Then I actually also got the support of the pharmacy department because I guess they also take a piece of the pie, I'll say, they mark it up a little bit. He said, "You're paying so much for this medication already." He goes, "I won't charge you anything for it. I just can't in good conscience do that." So for his pharmacy, he just charged me what it cost me, which was really helpful, but it took about three years. Then after that, the patient support program kicked in even more. I believe it had something to do with the pharmaceutical company, but I don't know honestly how it all works in the background, but it was definitely a big struggle at the beginning.

I made a conscious decision to say, "I'm going to be normal. My life for me is normal. I'm not going to change anything." I did end up on a dual therapy. They added a second drug and it has definitely helped my breathing some, opened my arteries more. What I have found is I run out of steam. I only have so much energy come 3:00, 4:00 this afternoon, I'll be done. I kind of hit my daily wall.

I find when I'm out with people having to keep a conscious awareness of what's going on, I have a tremendous amount of brain fog, which is very tiring now. It's been said, "Because you have lower oxygen. (my O2 saturations are low), so everything is trouble getting the right kind of oxygen that it needs.” I'm not low enough, consistently, that I need to be on O2, which I'm very thankful for, but it has definitely affected me with my brain fog, my tiredness, stairs, walking, just trying to be myself, be normal with people and with family. It definitely runs me out of steam real fast every day. I do find it frustrating. I have days where I don't do things and I have days where I'm able to accomplish things. So it's kind of how my daily life runs.

For me, a lot of it was connecting too, with the Facebook group, with other people who struggle with the different types of PH that's out there. Many of them I find are very, very positive. That's kind of why I too wanted to adopt that attitude, because things can take you down if you let it overwhelm you. So I take things day-by-day. I do tasks one at a time. If things don't work well, one day I just approach it as a fresh approach the next day and I just keep moving on from there.

I was originally told one to two, three years at the outside and we're talking now over 10 years, I'm still here. I'm still pretty much functioning on my own. Granted, I have help from family and I do take advantage of that and I have good friend support and I have good support from the PH community. That's what all just keeps me really positive. I have wonderful specialists who answer all my questions, are there. They always say, "Email phone, whatever you need. We're available." That also makes me feel a lot more peaceful.

Looking at where I have been and where I am today, the best advice that I could give is honestly, stay strong, stay focused, do your best every day. If one day doesn't work perfect, start over the next day don't beat yourself up about it. Just take care of your health, mentally and physically as best you can.

I went from putting all my stuff in order to being here still. I put that down to a lot of I've been very careful. I'm fluid limited, sodium restricted. So my diet has to be very careful. I've got a fine line between getting dehydrated or over hydrated, just due to your heart and lungs overworking. Also just staying positive. It's done I think, great things to keep me where I am today.

I'm Stacey Physick and I'm aware that I'm rare. Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Never miss an episode with the phaware® podcast app. Follow us @phaware on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube & Linkedin Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware #ClinicalTrials 

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

[septicbro1005]

0: Do you have any tips for managing arthritis? (You don't have to answer this of course)

Ooh lordy! Okay, I'm about to rant. I gotta put this shit under the cut, hold up.

Stretch! Do stretches! I'm unlucky enough to have polyarticular rheumatoid arthritis, meaning I've got it in 5 or more joints. I think I've got it in every joint, but I ain't totally sure. I just know it heavily affects my wrists, fingers, knees, hips, ankles, toes (as weird as that is lmao), jaw, back, elbows, shoulders, neck, etc.

sO

Do stretches where you can! I know that when you go to physical therapy for that, they tell you to stretch, and you don't wanna do it. But do them! Especially if your arthritis is awful! Make sure when you do it, though, that you're doing it to the point where you're getting the stretch without hurting yourself. And do that stuff before a bunch of physical activity too, since it'll help! I can't find good websites that have stretches with images, but if you could google "arthritis stretches" and you can find some genuinely helpful stuff.

Don't overwork yourself either. If your feet hurt, try your hardest to find someplace to sit down. You've been writing non-stop for a long while? Put the pencil down for a minute or two. Roll your wrists too. And a good way to ease pain from writing is to shimmy your pencil up and down in your hands.

Take time to relax too. Chronic illnesses are hard as fuck to deal with, no matter how old you are. Whether you were diagnosed when you were seven years old or you got a diagnosis at 76.

And don't be rough on yourself mentally either! I read too much shit about people feeling shitty about getting it at "such a young age." Yeah, getting this disease sucks. It sucks no matter what age you're at. But it will be easier to feel better after you accept that you've got it.

If you get into remission, that's great! And I'm so fucking proud of you! And if you were in remission but you had a flare up? That's okay too! Just keep on going, okay?

Some days it'll feel pointless to do that, but trust me, if you stop taking your meds, you will feel like absolute shit. I didn't have an injection for one week and I was in so much pain. so please, take your medication, even if it can be a little scary. and if you aren't good at taking pills, ask your doctor if there's some way you could chew them.

what my parents did when I was first diagnosed (I was only seven and I couldn't swallow pills) they put my pill in some pudding or whipped cream and gave me the spoonful. if it was pudding, they let me eat the whole damn pudding cup. you can also practice trying to swallow pills with those mini m&m's.

also also! I've seen so many things on the arthritis tag on tumblr about how particular diets help with arthritis. personally, I'm not on a diet, and I don't notice my pain being any worse. so if you read that you have to ditch your favorite food for something, you likely don't. if you wanna go for a diet, go for it. if not, don't push yourself. maybe that bit only works for me, but who knows.

uhhhh... nothing else is popping into my head at the moment, and this is also already suuuuuper long. my bad. i just rambled at this point. oh well! I hope this helped a tad!

[marculees]

Epilepsy Awareness Month💜

I recently seen this post by @interstellix  who made great points about epilepsy for Epilepsy Awareness Month. It sums it up really well so I suggest you give it a read and reblog! Its nice to find another photosensitive here too because we’re such a small group within the epilepsy community. I deal with anxiety on top of my epilepsy and while they aren’t always related to each other, I don’t hear enough about the day-to-day worries of epileptics. Things that seem completely normal or fine to some people can be dangerous for me, which is why stuff like giving trigger warnings are much appreciated. But often, non-epileptics don’t know about what its like to actually live with epilepsy - not just having seizures. I want to add on some of my own experiences with a funky clickbait title, below the cut. Anyone who reads this all is a star and ily⭐️

10 Things Non-Epileptics Don’t Get (Yet)

1. That moment in movies when the character wakes up and a bunch of faces are gawking down at the camera uncomfortably. Always have someone to stay with the person having a seizure. But out of care for both that person and the people around, its best to get everyone else away. No one enjoys watching someone have a seizure - it’s scary and knowing you can’t stop it can ignite feelings of guilt or panic. For the person having the seizure, its embarrassing - they aren’t even conscious of what’s happening and for all they can remember, they were minding their own business and now they’re waking up and barely able to move their body without wincing in pain.

*TW: BODY FLUIDS* I’ve literally puked, shit and pissed myself all at the same time unconsciously in front of a room of people. I’m lucky these people were my family but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing or upsetting knowing that everyone there saw me in such a state. A fear I had growing up was having a seizure in front of my class and the students making comments about it, thinking it was funny. In today’s age, filming seizures is something to worry about too because of how easily it can be shared to others online. Even if you aren’t an arsehole like that, try to be as respectful as possible and get everyone else to evacuate the room. At most, have three people to stay there: one person to stay close and time the seizure, one person to move furniture away and find something soft to lay under the epileptic’s head, and one person for crowd control who is keeping everyone else out and reassuring them all it’s okay.

Whatever you do, don’t make the epileptic feel bad for having a seizure. They can’t control it. Afterwards, comfort them and let them know its all over and you’ll stay with them until they feel better (unless they say they would rather be alone). Most of the time, the epileptic will be so tired and sore after their seizure that they’ll fall asleep. Let them; they need it. I’ve woken up on a couch, in my bed, the back of an ambulance or in a hospital bed and sometimes I was laying there for half an hour, sometimes a whole day. Knowing someone was there is relieving. Knowing everyone was there is shaming and it doesn’t make you feel any better when they’re all in your face afterwards too. Don’t be the camera crew.

2. Travelling alone is either a dream or everyday reality for a lot of people, but its a no-go for some of us. I was raised in a very overprotective household and still today, I don’t have a lot of freedom. Driving is usually one of the first bits of independence you get, but not for me. I’ve had seizures while out travelling because of the SUN. The sunlight flickering through trees, railings or bouncing off surfaces have triggered seizures in me where my family have had to pull over. The thought of being the one driving in such a scenario is terrifying to me, my loved ones and everyone else on the road. Driving is such a normalised thing for people my age that I’m embarrassed to bring up my own case unless someone specifically asks.

Then you have public transport. The sunlight issue is also here but this time, you’re with a bunch of strangers (see Point 1 again). Something my mum drilled into my head since I was younger was that if I ever got public transport by myself, then I could have a seizure and someone would film it and another person would rob me (and then you wonder why I have an anxiety disorder). I got my first bus by myself when I was 19 and for something so mundane to most people, it was like a little adventure to me. My mum didn’t approve but she complained about having to drive me everywhere too. While its fun to get the bus into town every now and then though, it becomes a bigger issue when travelling is a daily requirement and you aren’t able/allowed to drive yourself.

Free public transport doesn’t always include those with epilepsy, depending on which country you live in. What do you do when an employer asks if you can drive? What do you do if you have committments to go to and no one is around to drive or come with you? Or you need to explain why you’re going out, every single time, because someone else has to decide whether its worth the risk. Sunny roadtrips? Want to be a pilot? That last one isn’t a joke, by the way! I used to get a coach/private bus to college and if it was sunny, I’d pull the curtain over, wear my sunglasses and try to nonchalantly cover one eye to help. You can’t really get a curtain while driving your own car though and driving one-handed is not cool, its irresponsible.

3. Staying up all night talking with someone you love isn’t as romantic as we’d like it to be. All-nighters, i.e. lack of sleep, are a huge trigger for many epileptics. I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers with friends as a kid until I was 13, and at that sleepover I ended up having a seizure in the middle of the night after waking up to use the bathroom. Not to flex, but I had a seizure on the toilet. Where’s the weirdest place anyone else has had a seizure?. As a result of that, I was put back on medication after being told I was growing out of my seizures and had been med-free for one whole year. I’d love to stay up with a loved one and spend the night talking or watching movies, but I think a seizure would be more of a killjoy than going to bed early.

3. Unless you’re the paparazzi, camera flashes won’t give photosensitive epileptics seizures. Its a small gesture and I do appreciate it, but don’t worry - one small flash from a camera will not send my brain into override. Just don’t be taking photos from 5 different phones at the same time for more than one pic. Standing and waiting for people to take a photo all at the same time is awkward already because you don’t know who to look at, what to do with your hands, if you should change pose, smile or not, etc. Just take one flash photo and be done, or don’t use the flash at all if you don’t need to. Ring lights are a common thing now, by the way and I love them? Bye-bye camera flash!

I don’t blame anyone for having these types of concerns though. The only time you’re probably warned about flashing lights is when you’re about to watch a news report or awards show where there will be paparazzi and performances will be aired. Concerts are another thing that can be risky depending on the genre, size of the venue, whether its indoors or outdoors (if you’re like me and enjoy EDM music, you’ll have a very low chance of actually attending or watching anything live fdkslbjfdhb). Those things we avoid. But you taking a photo with a once-off flash will be okay, don’t worry. Seizures aren’t triggered by a single flash, but rather multiple flashes in a short period of time. They’re called Hertz and that shit hertz when its between 3-30 flashes per second. Also, fuck strobes, the Incredibles 2, Into The Spiderverse and any other movie that uses these for unnecessary effect.

4. Not everyone is diagnosed with epilepsy in their childhood and though some might grow out of it as they get older, not everyone will. I thought I had been growing out of it on two occasions (see point 3 again and point 9). Some people only get diagnosed with epilepsy later into their life. If you’re diagnosed while young, its easier to adjust your life because you’re growing up with it as your norm and its something you’ve just learned to live with. But for some people, they suddenly have to change their entire routine that they’ve established since they became an adult. Be sympathetic to those with epilepsy in their adult years, especially those who only got a diagnosis. Its not just a disability for children.

5. There are different types of seizures and one that’s commonly misunderstood is the partial seizure. These types of seizures have been mistaken for people being drunk or high (i.e. slurred speech, difficulty standing up or walking in a straight line, etc.), which has led them to getting kicked out of venues for something they have no control over. Swimming pools seem to be a common place for these bans, as well as gyms. Sometimes, these people are still somewhat aware they are having a seizure but cannot control them, which is really scary to think about. I don’t have them myself but I cannot imagine how frustrating they must be to not be taken seriously and instead as someone being high or intoxicated and then being punished for that. Alcohol is usually avoided as it can trigger seizures but when these seizures happen at social events, people can get the wrong idea. If you know someone who has these types of seizures, keep an eye on them if you’re out together. We’re usually only allowed one pint and hardly anyone gets that drunk after just one, so be aware that its likely they aren’t actually hammered but having a seizure instead.

6. Nobody likes being overworked but school, college, jobs and sport can very hard on us. Unless you’ve had a seizure, your teacher or boss probably won’t extend a deadline for you. The latter might even fire you. Chronic fatigue isn’t taken seriously. School is one big memory test in most countries, but for those with aura seizures, their ‘spacing out’ can affect how information they are actually taking in. Side-effects of meds can also make concentration and memory tough, and I hate how forgetful I can be because then I feel like I’m unreliable even though I push myself to give 110% anyway. Some activities like sports and physical education can be more draining than they would be for the average person, and sometimes I’d have to sit out during these activities because I felt an aura coming on after overexerting myself. I wish I could sit out having multiple assignments and group projects due in the same week, but college doesn’t work that way. I wish I could tell employers that I might not have that presentation done by the end of the day, but that wouldn’t go down too good either.

If you know someone who takes longer to complete tasks that might seem simple to you, ask yourself if you’ve ever considered they might have epilepsy or another chronic illness or disability. Don’t assume they’re lazy if they need to take an extra day or two to complete their final essay or have to stop their beep test earlier than the rest of the class. I didn’t know a good average for the beep test was 8-9, because no one ever told me. I pushed myself to 16 because I was scared people would think I was lazy and that I was dropping out to be with the other girls who agreed beforehand. I then ended up having an aura that almost slipped into a full seizure. I also almost had a seizure an hour before my religion exam in my Junior Cert at school. My mum even insisted I stay home and miss my State exam because of it. I still went though, took a bathroom break because I had another aura, and finished with an ‘A’ but had it been a different day, I might not have been so lucky. Its about knowing yourself and your limits, but we aren’t always informed that they should exist and then you end up doing stupid things like me that could hurt you. Likewise, its important to be understanding that not everyone can work at the same pace as you. It doesn’t make the quality of our work any less even if we need more time or energy to do it.

7. Side-effects aren’t always in the short-term. My own meds are advised to not be taken long-term as they weaken my bones over time. I’m 21 now and I’ve been on meds since I was 8. I wanted to reduce my dosage and eventually become med-free last year but the neurologist told me I still had brain activity and needed to stick with them. In fact, they almost ended up prescribing me more even after I had told them I was five years seizure-free. Why? See point 9. I’m lucky though because I’ve only been on one type of med. Some people can take years to find what works and their neurologists will prescribe them all sorts and leave them with awful side effects. Only last year I was chatting with a woman whose meds had caused sudden depression and fits of anger in her after she had been diagnosed and given her prescriptions. She eventually got brain surgery instead.

8. If you have a uterus and/or want to have children, do your research and a LOT of it. Birth control is usually a tough decision to make and often times, it can feel like you have no choice. Its so important to check with multiple neurologists and doctors which form of birth control is the best for you with your medication, because even the slightest new introduction to your meds box can have unpleasant side-effects. With the current medication I’m on, I can’t take the pill unless I want to increase my current dosage of meds as the pairing cancel each other and make me more vulnerable to seizures and other side-effects. I’m not pregnant and yet I have to take daily folic acid supplements because my meds cancel that out too. Every month or two, I will faint or almost faint on the first day of my period and I’m more vulnerable to having a seizure during that time. If I ever want to give birth, my children can possibly inherit my condition or be stuck taking care of me when I should be caring for them. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

This is not to say that people with epilepsy can’t have fulfilling sex lives or raise families. But we just do it at a greater risk that even some neurologists aren’t aware of. I had to tell my neurologist last year why I didn’t want to go on the pill because HE didn’t know it interacted negatively with my meds. I’ve known women who were prescribed the pill or meds BY A PROFESSIONAL that interacted negatively with each other and gave them seizures as a result. It takes ‘find the right method for you’ to a whole new level. If your partner has epilepsy, its so important to discuss birth control and take their condition into consideration. I hear men telling their girlfriends to go on the pill so that they don’t have to use a condom, which is really selfish for a start and also disregards other forms of birth control. Do your research but let them and their own trusted neurologist decide which form is best. You should still be using a condom to protect yourselves anyway! And if you and your epileptic partner decide you would like to have children, do the same process and make sure that they are in a safe position to do so.

9. *TW: DEATH* Threatening (even ‘jokingly’) to trigger a seizure in someone is playing with that person’s life. SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy) affects roughly 1 in 1000 people each year. Even if that person doesn’t die after their seizure, you may have just broken a record they set for days, months or YEARS without a seizure. You just revoked their driving license and they weren’t even behind a wheel. You just prescribed them new doses of medication without any years of medical school.

Growing up, I had countless incidences where classmates would joke about making me have a seizure. If the teacher left the room for anything, the first thing they would do is run up to the lightswitch and fuck around with it. In secondary school, I stopped using the bathroom at lunch because one of the girls thought it was funny to deliberately flick the lights on and off anytime I was inside. She would snicker and call out to me while I was in the stall, asking if it could make me have a seizure. Even after saying yes, she continued to do it. If I did end up having a seizure in that bathroom, god knows what could have happened. I had a seizure in a bathroom before and was lucky I only hurt my jaw as my head slammed against the wall. Others aren’t so lucky. Injuries from seizures can be brutal, just like OP said. Yeah, you might not kill them by triggering a seizure, but what injuries do they have to deal with after?

Imagine playing a game for years and you spent ages collecting all the items, defeating every boss and proudly showing off the trophies you won. Now imagine someone suddenly pulls the cord as you’re playing; your game freezes, the screen shuts to black and when you try to frantically start it up again and see where you had remembered to last save, it says your data is corrupted and deletes everything without your permission. It doesn’t matter where or when you saved. You have to start your progress all over again. You can try memorise the strategies from before but the game switches things up and suddenly you’re hit with a difficulty spike out of nowhere. The person who joked around and pulled the plug doesn’t have to do anything. And if they wanted to, they could do the same thing again and again. Don’t be that person. Be their Player 2 and help them. If they need to go into a dungeon but they’re scared to be alone, offer to cover their back. If their health is low, find them a safe spot and let them heal. The same goes for appointments and seizures. Its not a multiplayer game by default and while they can power through solo, that doesn’t mean they don’t need help if they’re ever stuck.

10. To end on a more positive note, there are lots of successful people out who have/had epilepsy and you probably never even knew. Cameron Boyce’s passing brought attention to SUDEP and celebrities with epilepsy but did you also know about these people and their own cases and seizures?

Prince

Elton John

Lewis Carroll

Danny Glover

Lil Wayne

Neil Young

Hugo Weaving

Charles Dickens

Julius Caesar

Vincent Van Gogh

Theodore Roosevelt

Adam Horovitz

Susan Boyle

Rick Harrison (the Pawn Stars guy!)

And some who are not confirmed (due to medical practices of the time) but are suggested as a result of numerous seizures:

Leonardo da Vinci

Michelangelo

Edgar Allen Poe

Agatha Christie

Socrates

Napoleon Bonaparte

Aristotle

Alexander the Great

Epileptics are humans, normal people just like you. And like you, they’re capable of great things too. If you think about making a crude comment to someone with epilepsy, think about these people and ask yourself if you would say the same things to them. 

If you read all of this, comment with a ⭐️ and please reblog to spread awareness. Whenever we talk about epilepsy, we start and stop the conversation at seizures. Its good to bring awareness to the other things too because its something that affects every part of our lives. Its an invisible disability but that doesn’t mean we are hidden from the disability community and discussion!

[watermelonselfship]

Self Ship Dialogue Prompt #2!

Requested by @abandonedhearts ! The second one is in another post!

Prompt: “I love you, but please stop whatever it is that you’re doing.”

Click. Click click. Click. Click click click.

Raymond looked up from where he was reading, cozy in a pillow pile on the corner of his bed. His first, and irrational, instinct was that he was under attack somehow, but a quick glance around proved that definitely wrong. Barney would have looked up from his spot reading at the desk, his senses more sharp than Raymond's.

Probably someone walking down the hallway, he figured, and went back to reading.

Click. Click. Click click click.

This time, as Raymond's train of thought was interrupted, he didn't look up, instead trying to see if the sound was coming closer or farther down the hallway.

Click. Click. Click.

It wasn't actually moving, Raymond realized, and furrowed his brow. Now he wasn't going to be able to get back to his book at all with this sound driving him crazy. It was going off in sporadic intervals, random rhythms, and not in a large enough frequency for him to pinpoint it right away. Most infuriatingly of all, Barney didn't seem to notice the sound at all.

That's when it, well, clicked. Barney didn't notice the sound because he was making the sound.

"Hey babe," Raymond called, sitting up a bit from his cozy pillow corner. "“I love you, but please stop whatever it is that you’re doing.”

Barney stopped mid-click and looked back at Raymond, confused. "I'm reading?" That's when Raymond noticed the pen in Barney's left hand.

"Yeah babe no, that's fine," Raymond clarified, and pointed at the pen, "You've been clicking that pen the whole time while you were doing it.

Barney looked, a little surprized at the pen in his hand. "Oh huh, my bad." He set the pen down, out of his reach, and went back to reading.

"Thanks babe, I love you!" Raymond chimed, turning back to his book.

That lasted about five minutes.

Tap. Tap tap. Tap. Tap.

Raymond paused, and listened for the sound to repeat itself, then sighed.

"Barn."

"Huh?" Barney asked, turning again.

"Do you know you're tapping?"

"Tapping?"

Raymond sat up, and crawled to the edge of the bed closest to Barney. "Yeah love you're tapping. Do you even notice?"

Barney gave a half hearted shrug. "I mean, I think I kind of did, but I didn't think I was bein' too loud. Sorry." He sounded pretty guilty, and looked a little stress. That worried Raymond, and he took his boyfriend's hand in his.

"Hey, hey what's wrong?"

"It's not that big a deal," Barney tried deflecting, but Raymond's gaze said he was going to push if he didn't elaborate. "I just uh. It feels real bad not to do something with my hands? When I'm reading. I get real stressed out, like I've got an energy stuck in me that I gotta let out. But I don't wanna bother you any, so..." He trailed off.

"So," Raymond began, "You're stimming? If that's the case babe I can help you find something that works for both of us."

Barney tipped his head slightly. "What's stimming?"

Raymond had to blink a few times to process the question. How in the absolute hell had Barney spent all his time with him, Alyx and Gordon and not figured out what stimming was.

"It's like..." Raymond began, trying to find the best words to explain it. "You know how when Alyx has two band-aids on her hands, she'll rub 'em together over and over? Or how Gordon will do that thing where he takes a string in his mouth and pulls it, then like, plucks it like a harp? Or taps his knuckles on the side of his head when frustrated? Or like, you know when I get real excited I flap my hands real fast, sometimes my whole arms?"

Barney nodded, and smiled. "Yeah, it's real cute when you do that."

Raymond stuck his tongue out bashfully for a second, then continued. "It's all types of stimming. It's a sensory-seeking thing, really common in neurodivergent people, but I think neurotypicals do it too? But if you're doing it because it sounds good, or feels nice to do, and it feels real bad if you don't, that's probably stimming."

Barney paused for a second, thinking. "Does ADHD count as neurodivergent?"

"...Yeah, absolutely Barn. Like, one of the big two that people tend to think of when they think about neurodivergency, though they're for SURE not the only ones. The other one's autism- that's me and Gordon, probably Alyx too but I don't know if she's said so or not so I don't wanna assume. I just know that me and Gordon have talked about it before, so I know for sure with him."

Barney nodded slowly, as if some pieces were clicking into place. "Have I ever told you about the time I went to college?"

Raymond also started putting together the pieces, and grinned. "Yeah, you said you suddenly couldn't manage anything going on and had to drop out your second year. Are you about to tell me you got a diagnosis."

Barney laughed, and grinned bashfully. "Yeah, I sure am! I didn't know that was part of the whole deal! They weren't very clear.... An' I never bothered doin' the research because all of it was in these. Impossible to read huge blocks of text with a bunch of technical bullshit, and it always talked about kids?"

Raymond rolled his eyes dramatically, not at Barney but the situation, and nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, a lot of texts like that are really... just inaccessible to the people who need 'em most! It's crazy frustrating, and I don't have the focus problem. God, Barney this legitimately explains so much about you right now, I love you so much."

Barney went red and chuckled softly. "It that noticeable?" He asked, a bit insecure suddenly.

"Only if you know what you're looking for," Raymond admitted. "I sort of have a special interest in mental health stuff, specifically neurodiversity, remember? And I know you real well, and it like... explains so much. I cant believe this never came up before!"

"Well," Barney admitted, rubbing the back of his neck, "I didn't think it mattered any. I was good at my job and I've managed, so why bring it up? Didn't wanna trouble anyone with it..."

Raymond shook his head. "It's not trouble babe, I promise!" he insisted. "Just like Gordon being nonspeaking isn't trouble, any symptoms you've got going aren't going to be any trouble."

Barney shrugged. "Guess I don't know what my symptoms are? It's been so long since I read anything about it, an like I said, it was really too dense for me to work through..."

Raymond nodded. "That's fine babe! Step one, for sure, you stim, and thinking about it I can think of other examples, but the clicking tonight for sure. Step two, what I'll do is see if I've got any books on ADHD, especially in adults, and I'll run through it and help you get some info." He was beaming, doing his slightly excited wiggles at the prospect of helping his boyfriend along with something that related directly to his special interest.

"I'd like that," Barney replied with a smile, then shrugged halfheartedly. "Sorry for bugging you with the stimming thing though."

Raymond shook his head again, emphatically. "No babe! It's not the fact you stim that was bugging me, it was that it was getting distracting for sensory reasons. But that just means I gotta find you like, one of those buttons that you can push but its quiet? But still gives the satisfying give. Like a remote! Or some other way to stim. You shouldn't suppress that sort of thing, yknow? It's normal, and also good for you."

Barney thought for a moment, before marking his place in his book and closing it. "Thanks, Ray," he replied with a grin. "You're so damn good to me."

Raymond stuck his tongue out again and chuckled. "You're good to me first."

"Nah, that's you. Can we cuddle a bit?"

Raymond grinned. "Absolutely, so yes."

Over the next few days, Raymond found Barney starting to cautiously stim more openly, and while he didn't directly address it, he could tell that Gordon and Alyx were excited by the prospect in turn. The group took turns showing their favorite sensory seeking behavior, and gradually Barney settled into a comfortable routine of a few core stims, even if he didn't always display them as publically as the rest.

After a while, Raymond started falling asleep to a soft click click click.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X21

I loved this episode! It finally happened! Hayes asked Meredith out and she said YES!!! I’m so happy right now! We're going to see them go on a date and have drinks next season! It’s all I could have hoped for and more! I can’t wait! This episode was a finale that wasn’t supposed to be a finale. With that in mind I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it was great! I loved this episode! Mainly because it delivered on the one thing I’d been hoping for since the mid season premiere! It didn’t have the usual shock factor that comes at the end of a planned Grey’s finale, but it was exciting and we got movement on pretty much all of the major storylines up to this point. It’s not where the cast and crew were planning to leave things for this season, but with the sudden onset of the COVID-19 virus and the mandatory shutdowns worldwide they were forced to halt production when filming for this episode had wrapped.

So with that in mind this episode leaves things in a pretty good place with some great set up for next season. Originally the shutdowns and the quarantine was supposed to be temporary and so I had hoped that they would be able to come back and film the remaining four episodes for this season as from what I’ve read the scripts have already been written and the plan was already in place. Unfortunately, since none of us know when the quarantine will end they have decided to roll those episodes into next season and rejig what would have been episode 16X22 to make it more exciting so that it can be the season opener for Season 17.

While I’m sad we won’t see the remaining four episodes as planned this hopefully means that there won’t be any filler episodes next seasons as they’ll rejig and add the four from this season and then write 21 new ones. So let’s talk about that scene with Meredith and Hayes! It was so so great! After hearing the news that she and the other doctors had finally found a diagnosis for Richard’s condition Hayes sought Meredith out as she was leaving for the night. He congratulated her on a great catch and asked her if she’d like to grab a drink with him and celebrate. She said yes, but said she was to exhausted to go out right now and asked her if he’d ask her again some other time. He said of course and told her he’d see her later and she said goodbye for the night.

There were so many things I loved about that scene! It was perfect! I loved that Hayes respected Meredith’s boundaries. He didn't push or try to change her mind. He understood what she was saying and accepted it. With any other love interest they’ve put her with that would have been a whole thing. They would have tried to change her mind or argued with her or tried to convince her and that’s not okay. But Hayes doesn’t do that. Why? Because he’s a mature adult who’s got his stuff together who understands the concept of consent and that yes, but not right now does not mean convince me.

I love that he's so understanding! He gets it! She's tired. She wants to go home and sleep, but she also wants to go out with him when she's feeling better and he wants that too! I can't wait to see them go out! I'm so happy. He's so smitten! Just the way he looks at her! And the way she looks at him! She's so into him! My heart! I love that they established that Hayes doesn’t like setups and he doesn’t even know that he’s in one right now! Jo’s sure not going to tell him. Where would be the fun in that? And he’s right that people are talking about his personal life when he’s not around. Specifically, the fact that Cristina sent him across the Atlantic and set him up with Meredith and everyone’s into it. I love it so much!

Also how deceiving was that episode description? “Hayes asks Meredith a surprising question.” It’s only surprising if you’ve never seen the show before or aren’t caught up on this season! Hayes has been into Meredith since he got to Seattle and Meredith has been into Hayes since they worked that Vaping case together. It’s very obvious in the googly heart eyes they keep making at each other all the time. I love that Hayes asking Meredith out was done in a subtle way with not a lot of fanfare. I really loved that. Because the episode description made it seem like it was going to be this big dramatic thing and I love that it wasn’t. Because real life is not like that. Real life is about the small moments. The intimate moments. The moments that matter. That come naturally when you build up a rapport with someone over time. And that’s what Meredith and Hayes have built.

I was also worried, especially after the Conference episode, that Hayes was still processing his grief in such a way that he wouldn’t feel comfortable asking Meredith out or that everything that’s been happening with DeLuca and now Richard would make him hesitant to ask her out or take the next step. Instead, we saw the opposite. Jo made comments about how him and Meredith would be good together and implied that other people thought so too. He heard about the nonsense that DeLuca had pulled yet again and he heard about what was going on with Richard and his eventual diagnosis. Instead of preventing him from asking her out it actually propelled him. He heard about what had happened with Richard, sought her out, offered his sympathies, congratulated her on a great catch. He then used that as a spring board to ask her out and in response she reciprocated his feelings and said yes! It was subtle, simple, and sweet. As it so often is in real life when you meet the right person.

I’m a big Taylor Swift fan and the slow burn they’ve created for Meredith and Hayes and the way he asked her out really reminded me of Taylor’s music and album journeys from reputation to Lover. The reputation album is about the death of Taylor’s reputation and her response to it. But as she has spoken about in interviews it’s also about a beautiful love story. It’s about how in some of her darkest times she found and formed the most beautiful and amazing relationship with her partner Joe. There’s this undercurrent running through the album about that relationship as it begins. Then in Lover it blossoms fully and we get to hear all about it and how great finding that kind of whole hearted love really is.

To me there is such a great parallel between that musical journey and the relationship we see forming between Meredith and Hayes. It’s this beautiful undercurrent that’s forming amidst the constant chaos that is Meredith’s life and that’s a wonderful thing. It’s this steady current in the background that once given the chance to fully bloom will blossom into this beautiful thing. I’m excited that we’ll get to see that next season. Hayes was back in a big way this episode and I loved it! I love him as a character. I really hope they make him a series regular next season because he is great and he needs more screen time. The female patient Daya who couldn’t express emotion or smile because of her condition and needed facial surgery was hilarious! 

I'm really glad that they figured out what was wrong with Richard and he's on the mend! I'm glad Richard kicked Catherine out. She deserved that and in fairness to him he doesn't remember her being there. It looks like he doesn't remember anything prior to the Conference so I get why he's mad. He was also real petty about it and I loved that. Although I was surprised that Meredith wasn't in his room with Maggie and Jackson and Catherine at the end.

She’s his family too and up until he married Catherine she was he’s next of kin, his emergency contact, and had medical power of attorney. Catherine’s left him and was MIA prior to him getting sick, Richard didn’t even know that Maggie existed until a few years ago, and Jackson had barely spoken to the man until Maggie pointed out that Richard thought he was taking Catherine’s side in the divorce. Side note: I’m glad that Maggie and Winston are still texting! Steamily I might add! He should definitely move to Seattle next season!

DeLuca annoyed the crap out of me this episode not because he was wrong, but because of the way he chose to express his opinions as usual. He was right but instead of explaining that calmly to others he screamed at Richard's family and threw a bunch of sharp surgical instruments onto the OR floor while Richard was on the table. I really hope they write him off next season because he annoys the crap out of me, he still hasn’t picked a speciality yet, and I feel they’ve gone as far as they can with his character and then some.

As for that end scene with Meredith and DeLuca here’s how I saw it. I didn't see it as her going home with him. I saw it as she was on her way home when she found him crying on the floor and either drove him home or admitted him for treatment. They established that Carina's back in Seattle so I think she either she drove him home and then called Carina to come take care of her brother or got him admitted and then called her to follow up and then went home and got some well deserved sleep.

I'm glad that he's finally acknowledged that he's got a problem and needs help. That's the first time since he started behaving erratically that we've seen that so that's good. I hope Carina can get him some help and get him admitted somewhere or that Meredith already has. More and more I see the interactions between Meredith and DeLuca as motherly. She’s clearly concerned about him and feels guilty because he went to jail for her and is now failing apart. I hope they write him off next season, but if they don’t I hope he gets the treatment he needs and they both move on or they remain in each other’s lives on a friendly co-worker basis as that’s the only time they ever really work on screen in my opinion. They don’t have chemistry romantically or as friends. I loved that moment in the OR where Bokhee prayed over Richard! Bokhee for the win!

Teddy was a hot mess as usual! I knew the truth was going to come out eventually, but I did not expect that god damn! I'm not an Owen fan, but that scene in the supply closet was still a gut punch. Oof! I loved Tom's speech to Teddy and how he called her out on the fact that she was running into marrying Owen rather than confront her own confused feelings. Teddy really needs to figure out what she wants and pick a lane! I hated the fact that she had sex with Tom in his office and then when he said let's run away together she told him this was goodbye and she was marrying Owen. Who does that? No matter what side you are on here Teddy’s behaviour is just not okay! Oy vey! 

I’m glad that Owen stood her up and cancelled the wedding. It’s bad enough that she’s engaged to Owen and carrying on an affair with Tom, but the fact that she had sex with Tom in his office on the day of her wedding and then had the audacity to tell him that was goodbye and she was marrying Owen when she is clearly conflicted is an awful thing to do to everyone. She’s literally hurting all parties involved and that’s just awful. Also how is she planning on explaining this to her kids when they’re older?

Amelia and Link we're super cute this episode! I'm glad that their baby is okay and healthy and that Amelia is okay after what happened with her first pregnancy. She’s been through enough and it looks like she’s finally getting something good in her life with a beautiful new baby and a healthy pregnancy and delivery and a wonderful supportive partner. The throwback to Bailey being there for Amelia like George was there for her was so beautiful! Kudos to Bailey for showing all that strength after she suffered a miscarriage recently!

I'm glad we got to see Bailey spend time with Richard as I felt that was missing last episode. Carina was great in this episode! She has so much potential as a character and I wish they would use her more. She’s such a badass and her facial expressions are always on point. Although I only watch Station 19 sporadically these days I love her relationship with Maya. I’m not an Andrew DeLuca fan at all and I would love if they would start focusing on her more and move her brother back into the background or off the show entirely.

Jo was hilarious! I’m glad she’s getting her spunk back. She reminds me in a lot of ways of Amelia from her early Private Practice days. I loved her comments to Jackson in the OR! Real talk though, what do you think Jackson’s dating profile pic would be? Jet or Yacht? Comment below! Also I love that Jo is so team MerWidow! She totally ships them together! And she's helping to make it happen! Go Jo!

I love how she almost spilled the beans to Hayes about Cristina setting him and Meredith up but then stopped when she realized he didn't know and didn't like set ups. I'm glad she did. Because if she'd said something further then Hayes might not have asked Meredith out. I feel like by the time the truth comes out Meredith and Hayes will already have been dating for a while so he'll be annoyed, but it won't change the way he feels about Meredith. Although let’s be honest nothing could he’s so smitten and he should be! Meredith is amazing and she deserves an amazing man like Hayes.

I saw someone on Twitter comment that it looks like the storyline with Meredith and Hayes beginning to date and the truth coming out about how Cristina set them up was supposed to play out in the next few episodes and I think that’s true. I’m sorry we won’t get to see it this season because of the shutdown but I’m really excited to see this play out next season. Something that did surprise me is that the character interactions in this episode imply that Jo didn’t tell Meredith about what DeLuca did to her and tried to do to her at the bar in the episode ‘Life on Mars’ and still hasn’t told her. I’m surprised by that because Meredith and Jo are friends, what DeLuca did was disgusting and unforgivable, and Jo clearly hasn’t forgotten. In fact in this very episode she made it super clear to Hayes that she detests DeLuca and hates the idea of him and Meredith together and so do others.

This once again brings to light the big problem with DeLuca in that the only reason Meredith went out with him, continued to date him, and continues to interact with him out of concern is because her friends and family aren't being completely honest with her about his behaviour and how he acts when she’s not around. Because let’s face it. If Meredith knew what DeLuca was really like when she wasn’t there she wouldn’t give that asshole the time of day. I can’t emphasize this enough. Your friends and family should be able to be honest with you about the person you’re dating and anyone that’s in your life. They should feel comfortable being honest with you and telling you how they feel. They shouldn’t have to hid the worst parts of them in order to protect you or so that you can be happy. I also don’t get how anyone can ship Meredith and DeLuca together or want him to continue to be a part of her life when he treats the people she loves so horribly and they openly detest him so much.

I’m sorry we have to wait so long to find out what happens next to our heroes. But I am very much looking forward to next season and watching Meredith and Hayes develop further!

Until next time!

[savingoursanity]

hi i saw you answer this type of asks so i was wondering, have you ever heard of a mental issue such as feeling non-stop shame no matter what you do? I thought I was a super emberassing person because I felt guilty and ashamed after most of interactions with people (don't even get me started on how I was feeling when I actually did something embarrasing...) but according to what I see/hear from some of my friends etc. they did similar stuff and don't feel the same. Idk what to do anymore (1/3)

Since this ask came in 3 parts I’m just going to put the whole thing here first before answering so that the whole context can be better understood.

hi i saw you answer this type of asks so i was wondering, have you ever heard of a mental issue such as feeling non-stop shame no matter what you do? I thought I was a super emberassing person because I felt guilty and ashamed after most of interactions with people (don't even get me started on how I was feeling when I actually did something embarrasing...) but according to what I see/hear from some of my friends etc. they did similar stuff and don't feel the same. Idk what to do anymore (1/3)

because it becomes a big issue for me. i can't talk with people about anything besides a small-talk or otherwise I will feel ashamed for at least two weeks. I can't talk about any of my issues/problems out loud because then I think I overshared and sometimes I avoid people I think I "overshared" to because I feel so much guilt. It really keeps me from doing a lot of stuff and generally i can't remember a time of my life where I wouldn't say I embarassed myself infront of someone/myself (2/3) 

The only thing I found online was that it's linked with anxiety, but I 100% sure don't have anxiety. I'm actually very confident around people and I like going out and I like parties and I don't get panic attacks and I am not shy AT ALL. So it makes me wonder, maybe feeling this shame is normal? Or maybe I am just sensivite? Or is it actually some mental thing that may have a solution? Anyways thank you for reading this and i hope you have a good day (3/3)

 Now that that’s all out there I have to say this was a really interesting ask so thank you so much for opening up about this! 

I will be totally honest I do find it quite surprising that you mention not identifying with anxiety or anxious traits at all given how strong your feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment seem to be. Of course in the end you know yourself best so I’m not trying to contradict you here or anything. 

However, I would like to suggest to maybe keep an open mind about it. Sometimes we have a very fixed idea of what something means or is and we don’t see how it applies to us until it does. This may not apply to you in the end but I know for myself that for the longest time the term adhd meant absolutely nothing to me and I would have never thought it would apply to me. But now that I actually know what adhd is and looks like and have talked to other people with it I see just how much it totally is me 100%. Again, this might not be your case, and honestly if it’s the label anxiety that bothers you then we can skip that and focus on the rest of the issue at hand. 

I can’t say that I recognize any specific mental issue just with what you’re describing, but honestly having a set diagnosis or label for things might not be entirely necessary either so I’m going to work with what I’ve got. 

First things first I want to reassure you that feeling shame, in essence, is not a bad or abnormal thing. All feelings have a reason and are allowed to exist. It’s when those feelings become excessive and start to take over your life that we start to question the presence of a bigger problem. In your case I’m fairly certain I can say that it seems you show stronger and more intrusive feelings of shame than the average person does. That doesn’t mean I think you’re broken or wrong or anything, just that that’s something you personally deal with, just like we all have our issues we also deal with. 

The main thing that sticks out to me is that I’m very curious where all this shame, guilt or embarrassment come from. You might want to look into the term “cognitive distortions”, because I think you might see yourself in those. To put it simply, a cognitive distortion is when we convince ourselves of something that isn’t true or doesn’t reflect reality. In your case, it sounds like you convince yourself that you did something wrong when you overshare or do something that you feel is embarrassing, and as a result you feel shame. 

The reason cognitive distortions are so strong is because the thought patterns are wrapped tightly in emotional baggage. By this it can mean that you have had personal experiences in your past that have greatly affected you (or even current situations still going on). In other words, someone somewhere at some point said something that stayed with you and became a thought pattern that causes an strong emotional reaction. How strongly someone reacts emotionally is a personal to each individual and is often described by how ‘sensitive’ a person is. In the end what sensitive really means is just how strongly are you affected by what happens around you (by events or what people say or what you believe they are thinking). 

By knowing yourself well you’re better able to see what is more a you issue (aka your own emotional reaction) and what may actually be linked to the specific experiences you’ve had (like the type of upbringing you had). 

So to come back to cognitive distortions. The good news is basically everyone has them to some degree. For some people though they’ll have a lot more and they’ll have a bigger impact in their life, which just might be what you’re dealing with. 

Another good thing is that there are ways of working on cognitive distortions. One thing with that though is that you likely can’t go at it alone at least not completely. The thoughts in your head can seem very convincing after all, trying to not believe them when you’re the one who created them in the first place can quickly turn into rocket science.  This is where having someone to talk about these kinds of things is super important. Sometimes all it takes is to say it out loud to someone else and hearing it to realize “hey, you know what, that thought makes absolutely no sense”. Other times the thoughts are harder to unstick and really require another person to be able to (gently and lovingly) call out your flawed logic and help you work through untangling the thoughts and emotions. 

You’ve mentioned that talking about your issues/problems is something that is hard for you, so I feel like that would likely be one of the first hurdles you’ll want to focus on. You don’t need to have a bunch of people to talk about this kind of stuff either, even just one or two people can be enough to get the ball rolling. What you’re going to be looking for in someone to help with this is the type of person I like to call ‘sounding boards’. You basically want someone you trust and who is willing to listen to you just rattle off whatever thoughts are going through your mind, no matter what those thoughts may be. You’re going to want someone you feel comfortable with and who is able to reassure you that you aren’t oversharing if you talk about this stuff. I know non judgmental people can be hard to come by but they exist. Keep in mind that this is also where professionals such as counselors and therapists are very helpful as they are trained specifically for these kinds of things. 

Now if the thought of talking to someone about this feels to hard or scary that’s okay. Putting all of this into an ask may already be a huge step for you so don’t feel the need to yeet yourself outside of your comfort zone all at once. This is why the online format is so nice, it can offer you a level of anonymity if that’s something that personally helps you feel comfortable enough to open up about these kinds of issues. You can also simply start out by writing your thoughts out in more of a journal style if you aren’t ready to share it with someone else just yet. However I do suggest that you try to find someone if you can because that is more likely to do the most help in the end.  

Now for some shameless self promo where I say that I am more than willing to be an ear to you or anyone else who may need one and my dm’s are always open. I’ve been know to be a pretty decent sounding board and I assure you that I maintain a strict confidentiality clause (morally if not professionally). I’m not here to judge, I’m just here to listen, because we all deserve that.

I hope this could help in some form or fashion and as always thank you guys for trusting me with your asks and feel free to send them anytime. Take care all you wonderful people and remember that you are valid and that you matter <3

[anerdyfeminist]

Health related stuff to follow, don’t read if periods/surgery stuff is hard for you. But if this is something you’re cool reading...what I’m going to say in a LOT more words is that it’s really, really fucked up how hard it is to get help with menstruation/uterus related medical care that actually WORKS and/or to be listened to or respected about those issues.

I keep thinking about how so many things have happened with my health in the past year that I haven’t even had time to mentally or emotionally process it and by the time that I could get a moment to try..............boom, pandemic. I can’t remember how much I’ve written here about it generally...BUT trying to summarize quickly, after the bad car accident that fucked up my arm and I had surgery to fix it, the MRI scans they took at the ER that night opened a god damn Pandora’s box of shit in there I needed to take care of. I went from understanding myself as a person who has one mild chronic health issue to..........someone with four.

The biggest issue that was discovered was a wide spread and a really advanced case of endometriosis. My gyno surgically removed multiple endometriomas from both of my ovaries, the largest of which was bigger than a grapefruit. After I recovered from surgery, I started taking the only medication that specifically exists to inhibit more endometrial growth and manage the pain. (And it’s a pretty new drug at that.) My doctor didn’t really fully consider that one of its biggest side effects is depression and anxiety and as someone whose mental health has only rather recently gotten in a better place, after a couple of months on this new medication, I felt like how I felt before I started taking anti anxiety meds. That was suuuuuper untenable and I couldn’t stay on it.

So I had to go back to square one on how to keep my endo at bay. But this time in the story of “how the fuck to treat this raging case of endo” we’re now into late March and in the pandemic when I get to the point where my doctor explains that pretty much the only other option for me is to try an IUD. Hearing that pretty much made me almost breakdown crying in the appointment. (I held it together long enough to get home for that.)

I’ve always loved that IUDs exist for people who want them, bc I’m obvi all about access to the birth control anyone wants and I have lots of friends who LOVE theirs and extol their virtues. But literally ever since the moment I learned about then when I was like 17 I have been super averse to the concept for myself. I had long ago filed IUDs under “NOPE” in my brain. I’m just one of those folks who is grossed out by the idea of foreign material just existing inside my body. But after going through having already had a bunch of hardware in my arm and knowing how shitty it felt trying the endo meds, I said FUCK IT and took the plunge to get an IUD.

(Side note: seeking this type of medical care in the middle of the pandemic was super creepy dystopian and like being in a fucking episode of A Handmaid’s Tale because I was usually the only person there who was not VERY visibly pregnant because only totally “medically necessary” procedures were allowed, all the masks, plastic partitions, spacing of patients, etc., etc. Just weird.)

The IUD insertion itself was a nightmare if I’m really honest and the ultrasound they did at that point disappointedly revealed ANOTHER endometrioma already growing back that my doc wants to now keep an eye on........BUT the good news is that bad insertion experience aside, so far I’m feeling pretty good about using it. It’s been almost 3 months with it and the biggest revelation by far has been that the terrible, monster periods I had FOR YEARS just didn’t need to be what they were. In such a short span of time having much much much lighter ones, I’ve already begun to wonder what I was thinking just trying to suffer through that experience for so long.

If you’ve read my stuff here over the past few years, you’ll know that my period was the most raging heavy and intense.......I mean, I have a whole fucking tag for it. I had to go out of my way to find the largest capacity menstrual cup IN THE LITERAL WORLD and I would fill it a few times a day. You’d hear me say “oh hey, FYI your periods can get much heavier the older you get” which is true, mind you, but I had no idea that what I was experiencing was really really well beyond the bounds of what is “normal” and indicative of a bigger health issue. I told my doctor (who I don’t really fault, she has a lot of good qualities) about it and she thought it was just normal aging stuff. I didn’t advocate for myself as much as I should have and she didn’t listen to me well enough as she should have and the result is that for about 5 years I had untreated and undiagnosed endo that resulted in that grapefruit sized endometrioma and all her friends.

There were other signs too...my cramps had gotten incredibly horrific. Once the endometriomas were all removed, I realized they had been doing stuff like pressing on my bladder, making it hard to pee/empty it all the way and I couldn’t lay in bed in certain ways pain free. Getting this diagnosis was scary but it all started to make sense. And it’s still making sense the more I unravel my understanding of the past several years of my life. What I was going through was not normal, but it also wasn’t being taken seriously by anyone, perhaps most of all, by myself.

So yeah, I’m still processing this news and seeking to better understand that I didn’t have to feel like that for so long. I’ve got this tendency baked into me to assume and accept that “life is suffering” (thanks, dad) and that you must grin and bear it and just survive. I think that when it comes to issues that involve menstruation or uterine issues, that this message is even LOUDER because we are shamed into not speaking about these things publicly by society more widely. Their discussion is stigmatized, belittled, glossed over, filed under “ewwwww grossssss” etc.

But obviously, that’s not how it has to be................if I am hurting or uncomfortable I am WORTH the effort of trying to figure out why and see if I can fix it. And if that issue involves my period or uterus or ovaries SO BE IT. There’s nothing inherently gross or TMI about that. They are body parts and they get conditions. That’s life.

Anyway, I really enjoyed Padma Lakshmi’s interview by Terry Gross on Fresh Air this week and it influenced me wanting to write this. She talks about her own endo story and it really resonated with me. (She also had a terrible arm injury in her past. We’re basically twins LOLOLOL.) As I said, I’m still processing ALL of this. But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it is that having endometriosis sucks but knowing you have it is waaaaaaaaay better than not knowing.

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

I know some of you guys have ADHD so I figured this was the place to go. My mother just sat me down and says she thinks I have ADHD, but I've learned to cope with it so it's less noticeable. I thought she was being silly but then I looked up a list of symptoms and so much of it sounds like me. Stuff I've wondered about/struggled with my whole life, suddenly explained. Shouldn't I be happy to know this? But like. I'm just crying a bunch. I feel really conflicted and confused :/

Hey lovely,

First and foremost, I am so sorry to hear that you struggle. Believe me, I can relate to your conflicted feelings so hard, it breaks my heart to know you're going through it all.

Okay, let's address the question from the point of why it might be that while you feel like you should be happy for the explanation, it actually just makes you miserable. As I see it, acceptance is a key element.

You've lived your whole life with these issues. If you do have ADHD, that means you were born with it and regardless of when or if you get diagnosed, your life has been challenged and altered by your symptoms from the get go. You learned to cope with them and internalised them as parts of your personality and the way you experience the world around you.

And now, as a young adult, you're presented with the possibility that these experiences might be caused by a clinical condition, something that is nameable and quantifiable and that is a serious "accusation". And no matter how well you learnt to cope, pinning a label to your way of being you, and accepting the reality of disability is a hard pill to swallow. If you choose to seek an assessment and you get a diagnosis, that's going to bring a whole new context to your life. It might feel validating, knowing that your struggle is acknowledged and that there is a reasonable explanation to it, but it also solidifies the fact that it's going to be a lifelong one and that you'll always have to live with your symptoms, because your condition is chronic. And that can be a very scary and disheartening thought.

You might feel like this explanation brings more trouble to your table, that on top of the things you already have to deal with, now you get a whole new disability and that it's just "yet one more way to be fucked". That is a very valid feeling, and it might be that you don't want to add more labels and more diagnosed issues to your already unfairly harsh list.

But I encourage you to think about it in a way where seeking professional help might also equip you with a new "toolbox": a skillset that helps you manage your life in a way that's more suited to your needs, and the possibility of accommodations, therapy and even medicinal treatment that might help alleviate some of the more troubling symptoms. You'll likely learn a lot about yourself in this new context and you'll be able to integrate the parts you deem "bad" about your disability into the picture you have of yourself. Just things that are parts of you, not bad things, just ways of you being you.

I know it's scary, and you're of course allowed to be sad or confused about it. It's not like you got this new revelation that'll now magically fix everything, it's not going to "cure" you and you might even feel like having it is no help at all. But I also believe that over time your perspective and feelings towards the question might change and you might find that pursuing a diagnosis and treatment for ADHD is the way to go.

For now, I'd say, sit with it for a while. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, whatever they might be, and try not to pressure yourself to feel any certain way, just let the concept sink in and see where you are once it has.

I wish you the best of luck with it, and if you ever need some dubious advice or just a bit of love, we at the Petting Zoo are happy to provide! 💜 You got us in your corner and we'll cheer you along the road, wherever it may lead.

- your ex-Fox, now proudly presenting as Hound

[mamaladykt]

Quarantine Q&A

I was tagged by @queenrisa14 which whaaaaaaa!? God when will the Sally Fields "they like me!!!" feeling go away when ever I am tagged in anything? Does it ever? I'm always stunned people are aware of my existence. Thanks girl! Anywho!

Are you staying home from work/school?

Soooooooo, about this. Hehehe. I was working. I was considered essential. To the point that my 4 day a week job turning into 7 days a week, 12 hours a day for TWENTY days straight. It took a toll. On me and my kids. So, because my kids are now out of school for the rest of the school year, my schedule not allowing for any flexibility or a leave of absence, I put in notice last week and my last day was Monday night. I felt really good about it, felt free, came home tuesday morning and filed for unemployment on grounds of childcare needs (which was immediately flagged 🙄😭) and slept. Today was a new day, started cleaning my house for the first time in over a month...... and it went down hill from there. Horrendous night and not feeling great about the uphill battle that will be getting my kids (and husband) back on track. TL;DR yes I'm home, it's a mess.

If you're staying home, who's with you?

That would be my 5 children, my oldest daughter is 11 (dear God tween hormones are no joke!) and my 4 sons, who are 9, 7, 5, and 3. My husband is still working and I miss him during the day and wanted to boot him out tonight. Sigh.

Are you a homebody?

Yes!!! I'm an introvert. If I was well and truly alone, I would never need to leave my house. I have no issues with the idea of ordering groceries online, I just ordered my first ever iPad online and I'm trying to navigate buying glasses and contacts online (PM me with links of websites if you've done this and had a good experience). I just need Amazon to get their shit together and ship my stuff! This isn't the 90's it doesn't need to take a month to get me something. Gah! Also, if I could figure out how to get my ADHD diagnosis from home via telemedicine that would be greeeeeeeeat. Seriously never want to leave my house again.

What movies have you watched recently?

Hahahahahaha!!!!!!! Omg you think I watch movies... That's adorable. Yea, noooo. The last movie I watched was Frozen 2 when it hit Disney+ a month ago. I am, however trying to gear myself up emotionally for watching Avengers Infinity War and Endgame this Sunday. It's been a year..... I'm still not ok. And I haven't watched since that fateful day in the theaters. No seriously, I cried last night just hearing the opening notes to the IW TRAILER! The trailer y'all. "There was an idea....." 😭😭 Ugly sob.

Shows?

Umm, I was watching Outlander at work. I binge watched the first four seasons in like a month back in January. Couldn't wait for season 5 and lost all steam once it started. I dunno. I think it's the Brianna story line. Other than that I honestly throw on Downton Abbey or Victoria again when I need something to watch. (can you tell I have a thing for accents...) I'd love to binge watch in order from the beginning The Big Bang Theory! If anyone knows where I can get the series to stream, let me know. I've watched it out of order for years and years and love it so much but seeing it start to finish sounds like a perfect quarantine activity.

What event was cancelled that you were looking forward to?

My kids going to school on a daily basis?? Lol. No, you know what's funny. I've never gone, didn't have plans to go, but I actually shed a tear when they cancelled Comic Con 2020 in San Diego. I was hoping to go next year so it was a mix of disappointment over not streaming this year's panels/the historical significance of there not being one and feeling like next year is now unattainable because all the 2020 ticket holders will get that one? It's weird and all hypothetical and stupid. Honestly I'm a mom and I don't get to do anything. The most exciting thing on my "to-do" list that was postponed was the Black Widow movie. I have waiting 10 goddamn years for my girl to get a solo movie! TEN YEARS!!!! I needed this to distract from the 1 year anniversary of losing Tony Stark Endgame. Gah. I'm also holding my breath that Sailor Moon Crystal the movie doesnt get postponed from September to God knows when. And my October trip to Orlando for Girl Scouts USA Convention isn't canceled. I'm going to Disney World!! If Florida isn't stup.... Yea ok. 😑😒😞

What Music are you listening to?

My Seiya playlist. I have a playlist of music that I think Seiya would sing. Cuz I love him and he's cheeky and in my head he's a weird mix of Adam Levine and Brendon Urie and that's what the playlist is full of. And this one song by Dermot Kennedy called Outnumbered that is just, IMO Seiya's parting words to Usagi. That and I'm kind of obsessed with Dance Monkey by Tones and I.

What are you reading?

Other than articles about the CARES act regarding unemployment benefits, reviews of cases and accessories for my new iPad Pro (it's the 12.9 and I had no idea I bought the big one and that it's basically a touch screen iMac and I'm overwhelmed with trying to find something to protect it from my children....) or homeschool tips and tricks for kids with autism.......

So help me God, I am reading The Unintentional Seduction of Chiba Mamoru if it freaking kills me. It's been on my to-read list for freaking ever and I am dying that I haven't read it yet. And kind of hating myself. Come on KT, get your ish together sis!!! I'm sorry @floraone !!

What are you doing for self-care?

I quit my job for one. That was the ultimate self-care move. That and for my kids.

Also, Online shopping? I have purchased things for myself that I have never done before. Makeup which is so fun. Like I bought the whole Sailor Moon makeup collection from Colour Pop. I got my first Morphe palette. And big girl concealer from Tarte. Yaaaaas! My iPad and all the pink accessories I can find. A pink throw blanket because my kids have a million blankets but we have no throw blankets for the couch. What the hell? And my favorite thing, I bought a bunch of stuff from teepublic with my profile picture on it from the artist @briannacherrygarcia (seriously her work is amazing! Go check her out, I can't get enough) that created it. I mean, how cool is that. I'm usually too poor to support the content creators for which I am so grateful for. After working three 84hr weeks, I figured I deserved to splurge on something that wasn't in anyway shape or form a need. A pure joyful want. Cant be excused as anything else. It felt so good. I got stickers and an art print and a coffee mug (because coffee mugs are my favorite thing and I somehow do not have enough of them so if anyone wants to send me pretty coffee mugs!) And a hoodie!! I'm so excited.

That last question is amazing. I was feeling so down and overwhelmed by just how bad my home and everyone in it was doing after I was working so much. I am not exaggerating saying it going to take weeks to put this back together and help my kids get used to having rules and structure again. Because it wasn't gonna be a quick fix I was hating life. But listing all the ways that I managed to take care of me, something I never do, because that's what I needed the last month to literally survive, reminded me that I am in a good place and that I have time now to get this done. It took a month to get to this level of chaos it only stands to reason that it's probably gonna take a month to put it back. And shit it's not like we're going anywhere. What's the rush? ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thanks @queenrisa14 for this! This was great and fun and so needed for my psyche. I tag anyone on my follows list who hasn't done this. Do it and say I tagged you.

MamaLK says take care of you and the rest will fall into place! 😘

[vands38]

things i wish someone told me about coeliac disease (UK edition)

apparently some doctors are still not telling coeliacs what they actually need to know so here’s some fun facts --

*coeliac disease is likely to go undiagnosed if you don’t have digestive symptoms. for a lot of folks, their first symptoms are odd things like weight loss, bloating, mouth ulcers etc that take ages for doctors to correctly diagnose as coeliac disease. I know someone whose only sign was tingling in her fingers (nerve problems are a Thing sometimes). I don’t wanna freak folks out but check this list of symptoms and if you’re worried, ask your doc for a blood test to check for coeliac disease. I went in and out of my docs for years with various symptoms (mostly from the anaemia) and no one caught it until I was finally having noticeable digestive trouble.

* coeliac disease an autoimmune disease. not an allergy. not an intolerance. when you eat gluten, your gut just screams NOPE and throws everything out of there.

* this means if you keep eating gluten you will have serious long-term health problems because your gut can't absorb shit 

* as I mentioned, anaemia is one of these associated health problems. a lot of people have this at diagnosis b/c your gut hasn’t been absorbing the nutrients it needs. it leaves you very weak and tired, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. 

* long-term anaemia / malnutrition causes so many fucking health problems I can't list them all. basically, if your body sucks, there's a good chance it's a side-effect of your coeliac disease going undiagnosed. I got shitty joints and a shitty heart and shitty bones and godknowswhatelse and every time my doc is like "hey, guess what? it’s coeliac disease!"

* you know what a common side effect is? LACTOSE INTOLERANCE. this is because, once again, your gut hates you from all that gluten you've been killing it with, so it starts to muck around and kick out other things too. but good news! most of the time this is reversible!!! lay off any lactose for a couple of months, reintroduce it to your diet slowly, and you -- like me -- might be a-ok 

*some folks with coeliac disease can’t digest oats either as they contain a similar protein. I found that I was kinda squiffy with them at first but as soon as my gut had calmed down I was a-ok with GF oats (this is good b/c 99% of good GF biscuits are made with oat flour, RIP to everyone that can’t eat them)

* so... your bones are probably fucked. if you were diagnosed early and your doctors are on it, you might be okay but for a lot of people it means osteopenia, and further down the line, osteoporosis (meaning it's v easy to break bones). you need to be eating, like, double the regular amount of calcium every day. most people are put on calcium tablets with combined vitamin D (to help absorb the calcium) but even on top of that, you need to be getting a lot in your diet. If you're still lactose intolerant then switch to lacto-free versions of dairy products or eat tofu like there's no tomorrow. It's super important that you get enough.

* relatedly, bone health!!! You should be doing MODERATE impact exercises like jogging to strengthen the bones but nothing high-impact like tennis. load-bearing exercises are good too. here’s some examples (in detail) given to me by the rheumatology dept

* people have different sensitivity levels. in the UK, certified gluten-free products have to be 20 parts per million or less, but in the US this is 100! marmite lives somewhere between these two and can cause some coeliacs to have a reaction. please be aware when you eat international gluten-free foods that they might have more parts per million than your body is used to

* because you're super sensitive to gluten, not only do you need to check the bold allergens on the ingredients, but the small print too. it might say "made in a factory that handles gluten" or "may contain traces of gluten" and that’s a no-go

* similarly, be careful in restaurants. Apparently it's still perfectly legal for restaurants to say a dish is "gluten free" and then put your nice GF bread in the same fucking toaster as regular bread and have you shitting your pants for days. Just because the ingredients are GF doesn't mean they're cooking it in an allergen-conscious manner. If its not a Coeliac UK certified restaurant, always ask about their methods. Is that milkshake made in a GF blender? Is your fry-up cooked in a separate pan? The first time I got glutened after my diagnosis it was because my GF naan bread shared a tray with a regular one. A lot of places won't even fucking think about this stuff.

* if you're in a gluten-eating household, you've got a big expense coming up. you need to buy a GF toaster at the very least and I would recommend also a separate baking tray (because pizzas, garlic breads etc stick to that shit like no tomorrow) and a saucepan (or anything else that regularly contains pasta/noodles/etc). You'll also need a separate bread knife and board. Separate butter. Separate strainer if you're the type to drain your pasta. Line anything suspicious (e.g.your sandwich toaster, a communal baking tray) with baking parchment. Don’t use bare rungs in your oven or hob. And buy separate spreads and condiments, unless your household is very well trained in not dipping their crumb-covered knives into those things. I've even got separate plates, kitchen utensils, and cutlery. It seems extreme but I haven't had a cross-contamination incident since. Just think: has gluten touched this? And if so, do your best to minimise the risk.

* living GF is expensive long-term too. GF bread costs twice as much as regular bread. Restaurants often charge extra for GF alternatives. I had to switch from having toast in the morning to cereal because it's much more reasonably priced. I eat more fruit than I ever have before just because GF snacks cost so much. I used to have breakfast bars lol say goodbye to that shit unless you wanna be broke

* things I didn't realise I couldn't eat: crisps (a lot of your standard crisps are made with ??? production methods), candied nuts (most of these are made in factories that handle gluten), soy sauce, strawberry laces and a whole bunch of fave sweets (contain wheat starch to bind them - check this list for safe sweets), marmite (you can buy a GF yeast extract that is only 50% worse than the original)

*good food you actually can eat: most cadburys but not most nestle, GF beer which tastes exactly the same, schar pretzels are actually the shit, so are their BBQ pringles and those little chocolate bars with hazelnuts, Morrisons free from frozen mini hash browns will cure your depression, M&S do these bacon tortilla rolls which... OH BOY. Quiche alternatives are pretty damn good but I've yet to find a pizza that doesn't make me want to cry.

*speaking of supermarkets... Morrisons stock a good range of stuff and tend to have everything in one aisle, M&S have many yummy (and expensive) treats, Sainsbury's has good own brand things including bread, Tesco's are fairly decent and stock a lot of baking things, ASDA are the king of GF cake, if you're still lacto-free then Waitrose sell LF cheese including halloumi, and check your your local hippy food store because I found the best goddamn bread in mine (Incredible Bakery Company - you are £4.50 a loaf but I have no regrets)

*party risks: if there's a BBQ, insist that your things go first or have a separate BBQ, or, if worse comes to worse, just eat cold snacks. (Beware of sausages! Many aren't GF!) If its a chip and dip situation, either everything has to be GF (easily done) or have your own dip. BUFFETS ARE LITERALLY OUR WORST NIGHTMARE. the amount of coeliacs I know that have been glutened at one are INSANE. even if those tasty treats are labelled 'gluten free' they've probably be contaminated. everything at a goddamn buffet is contaminated. Dinner party? Well meaning friends will want to cook for you but unless their kitchen is set up as above, it's safer to bring your own food -- if you're very lucky, you will have friends who take the time to learn about allergens and will clean every item in their kitchen before cooking and serving an entire GF meal. these friends are to be treasured -- nay, worshipped.

*fast food. there’s no good way to put this but you’re never having that guilty pleasure 2am burger again. mcdonalds fries are miraculously GF though. (a lot of takeaways recycle oil so even if the ingredients are GF it’s often not safe but mcdonalds always use a separate fryer for chips). indian takeaway is great as most dishes don’t contain gluten. on the flip side, you’ll only be able to have about 5 items on the chinese menu (soy sauce is in everything, yo) so be prepared to learn those 5 items by heart. dominoes do Coeliac UK certified GF pizza!!! (buuuuut not during covid). chains like pizza express have got our back and will even serve you GF doughballs

*coeliac UK are your best friend! most of the things I’ve mentioned are described in detail on their website. they also have a barcode scanner app that will tell you if foods are safe, and they have a restaurant guide, and useful things like translation guides for when you go abroad. 

That's all I've got right now but hmu with any questions or corrections. Take care of yourself, folks. <3

[gotboredwrote]

Chapter 8: The Morning After

[[The American Publicist // JRD]]

Pairing: John Richard Deacon x Reader Word Count: 5.8K Style: Multi-Chapter Warnings: Swearing, a few references to the previous chapter’s sexual themes (nothing explicit), references to OCD diagnosis Summary: Y/N was just hired to become a co-manager and publicist for the band Queen. The boys had never travelled abroad, so meeting an American was . . . intriguing, to say the least. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: Me: This chapter is bad. Like, I am acknowledging it now and admitting I was so distracted the whole time I wrote it. I’m sorry :\ Also me: Lol it’s long :P

Masterlist // Previous Chapter // Next Chapter // Masterpost

~

Both of you were still trying to catch your breath. You at least have the necklace John gave you to ground you back down to Earth from your high. John did not have anything like that, so all he could do was grip the headboard of his bed. You were both reeling, thinking about what you just did. Both of you were having aftershocks that were so intense you could not believe it. While it was some kind of mix of lust and love that drove you both to your breaking points, neither of you felt that you were ready to admit those feelings to each other. You both felt pathetic and desperate. But oh-so in love. Hopelessly. It took over five minutes for each of you to catch your breath and calm your minds down, but the calms did not last long. Your eyes went wide and John slapped a hand over his mouth, the realization of what day of the week it was hitting you both like a ton of bricks. Tuesday. That only meant one thing – tomorrow was Wednesday. You two would have to face each other because of work.

~

John made it a point to go to the studio extremely early so he could already be there before anyone else, hopefully ignoring the butterflies swarming his stomach. No one needed to be there before 9:00am. He made it there at 6:30am. He told himself he would just practice the stuff they had already done, but there was a part of him that wanted to work on that song. He figured if there was a time to do it, it would be when no one was there. Except he was afraid of what would happen to him. Clearly, it was not the song that triggered the episode of last night, but the words came from those feelings. His way of admitting the truth. Not denying the feelings that bubbled over the previous night. He starting adding backing instruments and vocals, trying to think of the rhythm the words came in versus the words themselves. Maybe that would be a distraction. Except there was a problem – he got to a section of the song he literally could not remember. He sighed to himself, and proceeded to rummage through his bag to see if he could not find the sheet music. He knew he brought it with him, he remembered the feeling in the pit of his stomach when he picked them up this morning to stick in his bag, so that meant the only place the papers could be was his car. He looked to the clock, 7:30am. He had only been here an hour? It felt like so much longer than that, stuck in his daydream-like state of thinking about the song. He was not worried about running into anyone except maybe some overnight cleaners. They were extremely used to seeing some of the artists that float through the building because they know inspiration can strike at any time. He made his way to the door and reached for the doorknob when it turned on its own. He retracted his hand and went to step off to the side to let whoever it was in the building, and the feeling in the pit of his stomach from that morning returned full-force. He came face-to-face with you and your growing mound of paperwork. Well, shit.

“Oh, good-good morning, Deaky. I really didn’t expect any of you to be here already. Am I interrupting?”

“Not at all, love. I was just going to get something from my car. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Sounds good, I’ll just be in the booth working when you come back.”

You shot each other innocent smiles, and made your way to your destinations. As soon as the door shut between you both, yours and his breathing became ragged. Apparently, you both had the same idea about getting to the studio early so as to calm the nerves down before the other arrived. Clearly, that was not going to happen. John got to his car, and when he found the sheet music he had written out, the intensity of his heart rate got stronger. He loved that he felt this way about someone, because he never thought he was someone who could feel that way, or have someone feel that way about him, even though it was in his dreams that you would return the feelings. It was one of the few insecurities he had, and you knew about it. You and him had talked about love before, neither one thinking strangely of it at all. You had had deep conversations on many previous occasions, but they were usually in the same room as a bunch of other people, and clearly you had not had one since you had gotten off to the thought of one another. He was afraid that he would lose the opportunity to have those conversations again, especially if you found out what he did. He loved those conversations. He took a couple deep breaths as he made his way back to the studio, where he assumed he would see you sitting at the coffee table pulled up right to the couch, all your papers methodically placed out to work on them throughout the day. He knew you, how you worked, how you focused.  Ninety percent of what he thought would be the case was, but there was one thing missing from the scene in the studio. You. He walked in and looked through the giant pane of glass and saw you lightly swaying back and forth in front of his bass. Lightly plucking at the strings creating a quiet but deep sound that barely made it to even your ears. You had a look on your face of longing, and while John had still not shaken the feeling in his lower stomach, he was more concerned with figuring out what was going on inside your head. He also wanted to let you keep plucking away, the gesture making John feeling warm and fuzzy seeing you take that much interest in his instrument. But again, the concern he felt overtook all the other stuff. He quietly folded the sheet music to put in his pocket, that way you would not see the words, and stuffed them in his back pocket. He lightly turned the knob to the booth where you were, so as to avoid startling you, which ended up happening, anyway.

“Oh gosh John!” You paused to let out a deep breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to invade your safe space. We just haven’t had a lot of time to ourselves in the studio in a while, and I was just thinking about all the times you would play for me when the boys weren’t here. I just… miss that.”

Y/N had mentioned something that brought a wave of nostalgia through John, and he understood the face you were making. You were right – another thing that would happen throughout these past couple of weeks when it was a normal day with no meetings or dinner would involve John quietly practicing and giving you a private concert. Ever since he sat you down to play “Misfire” for you, he slowly got more and more confident about playing in front of you. It was always something you two would look forward to. Some days the boys would offer to grab some lunch for the lot of you, and you would say to them that you would stay back and just keep working on your portfolio. John always offered to stay back and keep you company, and he would quietly practice his parts or create new riffs in the background while you worked on your paperwork. John was afraid that if you found out about what he did last night to the thought of you, all that would go away, too, just like your deep conversations.

“You looked peaceful, and happy. Why would I have stopped you?”

“I know how you feel about people messing with your bass, even Brian. I… didn’t think I was any exception.”

“You really think that lowly of yourself?”

“It’s… not that, John. It’s just that you have treated me best of all the boys throughout this partnership so far. The boys are lovely, don’t get me wrong, you are just different somehow. You gave me my favorite little possession for forcing me to come to that awful dinner, and you took a lot of shit that night that you didn’t have to take. You were also nice enough to show me a song you had written before you even showed the boys. You’ve just been so nice to me and I didn’t even think about how what I just did might have crossed a boundary that ruined all of that.”

John wanted to cut her off with a kiss, but he could not bring himself to do it. It would flood him with emotions that he was starting to ignore, so he did not want to trigger them again. He also felt that this would have been a good time to confess his feelings, but that would also bring back the feelings from last night. There was so much he wanted to do to, but he was so petrified that you were going to find out what happened last night, that he could only muster out a few sentences.

“I appreciate that you know I have my boundaries, love, but I thought by now you knew that you do not have to worry about them. You are one of my few exceptions, and I want you to know that I honestly thought you…looked… cute doing that.”

You were flabbergasted at his response because you had been doing a really good job so far at hiding the fact you were feeling just like John was. You were just as petrified that something you did would make him realize what you did the night before. Up until he saw you plucking at his bass, you had no concerns at all. Now he was calling you cute for messing with the real version of what you wore around your neck and you felt like you were going to explode.

“R-really? Well, thanks, Deaky… um, it was kind of my subtle way of telling you I am really missing you-hearing you play, hearing you play by yourself again.”

“Oh… well we have about an hour before the boys are gonna show up.” He was having a little bit of trouble speaking because he caught your slip up, and it honestly gave his heart a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, there actually was a chance something could happen before this manager thing is over. “Would you like me to play for you while you work? Like old times?”

“I would love that, John.”

You two exchanged sweet and small smiles, and you made your way over to your paperwork while John looked at his bass for a moment before picking it up. You did not catch it, but John gazed at and lightly slid his fingers over the frets and portions of the strings that he saw you playing. He chuckled out a small breath, and picked up his bass to start playing for you. Little did you know that the repeating tune he started with was the bassline to the song he wrote for you the night before.

~

The hour went by with hardly a word spoken between the two of you, but you two would not have had it any other way. John was able to get more done on the song he wrote for you without you having a single clue, as well as tweaked and practiced stuff for the new album. You, on the other hand, were able to get so much of your paperwork done, and was even able to officially complete Brian’s personal publicity portfolio. You were making binders for each of the boys, while making a copy for your master binder, that included everything they would need for their upcoming PR run before the tour. It had everything in it from outfits they could choose between, recommendations on what parts of the personalities to emphasize during interviews, which ones to hide, and which topics to not discuss for fear of controversies. There were also notes of encouragement, tips and comments you had heard over time from people about things the boys do that they like, and a number of other things. You were going to wait to give the boys their binders until you were completely done with all four so you could see the joy on their faces when they saw everything for the first time. You had so much planned for each of them, you could not wait to see how things went. John would once in a while throughout the hour poked his head in to make sure you were enjoying the music he was playing and made sure you did not need anything. You would always just smile up at him and tell him how good he sounds and let him know you were good. One time you did ask him to go grab you a water from the vending machine, and by the time you could reach in your coin purse to get him the money, he was already gone. He did not want to keep his favorite girl parched. Except when he got to the machine, he noticed there were two types of water and he did not know which one was your preference. He got both. When he walked back in with two bottles in his hand, all you could do was laugh with a confused expression at his panicked face.

“There were two, I didn’t know which one you liked more so I got both and-”

“John, it’s okay, let me pay you for both and you can keep one. You’re going to need it eventually, anyway.”

After he grabbed the water, he planted himself down next to you and rested his chin on your shoulder to try and get a better look at what it was you were working on. You quickly closed up the binder that was off to the side of Brian’s, considering it was John’s, and you had just pasted in a picture of a particularly low-cut button-up that you would love to see him wear. He did not really notice the motion, which you were thankful of. He genuinely seemed interested in both what it was you were doing and how you were doing it. It made you happy that John genuinely cared about you in this way. Ever since the diagnosis, and even before as well, he was always supportive of the way you did things, and he made it obvious. He wanted to make sure you were always comfortable, and if organizing a desk in the office or straightening up his section of the studio made you comfortable, then so be it. It did not scare him away from you, and you were so thankful for that. He sat there listening to what it was you were doing for them, and skimmed through Brian’s portfolio to explain the basic set-up of the binder that he would eventually be receiving.

“So, there’s not a thing I could do to get you to show me the progress of my binder, love?”

“Not a thing, Deaks. Not a chance.”

“Not even a peck on the cheek?”

“Not even tha- what?”

“I- I meant to say… not even… um…”

You felt like John could physically see your heart beating in your chest, and he turned as red as a steamed lobster. He had zero explanation as to where the confidence he just had came from. He just sort of said it, and the funny thing was, he did not want to take it back. He had been fighting the urge to tell you about his feelings for weeks, so if now was the time, now was the time. One could argue his moment was ruined, the other side of the argument is that he was saved by the bell. Just as John was struggling to find something else to say, the door to the studio swung open to reveal Roger arriving earlier than the other boys, extremely uncharacteristic of him. Despite it all, you were still thinking of the boys and your job, and you hated yourself for it. John had just said something that could change the dynamic of your friendship forever, and you were thinking about the fucking personality traits of his bandmates who truly did not matter in this moment.

“Well, am I interrupting? I know I’m early, but I happen to pass a donut shop each time I drive to this studio and I wanted an excuse to try it so I brought everyone breakfast. I can leave for a minute, if you need-”

“No, Rog, it’s okay. Y/N was just showing me what she is currently preparing for all of us. My bass is already warmed up, so if you want to get started, I can play with you until Brian and Fred get here.”

John shot up from his seat quicker than you would have liked. It almost hurt. But you were still in such a state of shock at the fact that he caught your slip up earlier and essentially responded to it, reciprocated it, that you were easily able to ignore the feeling. You watched as John grabbed a donut, a jelly, his favorite as you recall, and made his way to his bass. Roger looked at you first with a wild expression of shock at the emotion that was seemingly flowing through John at the moment, and then he looked at you with an expression that you could not place, because you knew that Roger had no idea about your feelings for John, and he certainly did not know what you did last night. You slowly made your way up to grab a donut, a boston crème, your favorite, and you noticed that it had been separated from the rest of the bunch. John was the only one in the box thus far, so you knew he had to have been the one that moved the donut over. You lifted the donut and glanced up into the booth where Roger had now made his way over, hoping John would be looking in your direction. He was. You softly smiled at him and lifted the donut so slightly, so as to say “Thanks for not letting Roger take this one.” He swallowed aggressively but forced a smile in return. His heart was beating a mile a minute, so he just wanted to get back to playing and let you get back to your work. He really did not regret it, despite how he was feeling, but he hated not getting to know what your response would have been. Would you have told him that maybe the kiss would have earned a peek at the binder? Would you have said that a peck on the cheek would not do it, but one on the lips would? Would you have slapped him? It was killing him, and Roger could tell. He did know about his feelings for you. He wanted to talk to John about it, but that was when Brian and Freddie walked in, so he did not get a chance. He would have to keep all the boys aside after rehearsal. Maybe he could even have Freddie talk to you so the three could plot something to get the two of you to at least admit your feelings. Better yet, trick you into going on a date or something.

“Good morning, beautiful people! You cannot make fun of my tardiness today because look – our favorite astrophysicist is late too!”

You looked up and laughed at Freddie’s comment, while Brian just rolled his eyes. The two of them made their way back to the studio, Brian ruffling your hair a little before making his way back there. John saw how your hair looked after the “little” ruffle, and could not help where his brain went. He was still reeling from the night before, and his half-confession, that he imagined that was what your hair might look like if the scene that played out in his head to help him the night before had really happened.

~

Practice went without any more super obvious connections between Y/N and John. There were little moments when Y/N would pick up on a particularly intoxicating bassline John would play. She would try her hardest not to, but her eyes would pry themselves away from the new binder that was sitting in front of her, which happened to be Roger’s, and look up toward the sound, only to be met with a pair of eyes peering deep into her own. These small moments went completely unnoticed by Brian and Freddie, mainly because they had only had their suspicions that John had feelings for the American. Roger stayed loyal to his friend and never breathed a word to them. They, now including Roger, were also completely clueless as to what had happened the night before, as well as the full story about what happened when Roger walked into rehearsal earlier. Besides the conversation John and Roger had weeks prior, there was no official confirmation of feelings between John and Y/N, except for what was said earlier in the day. Everyone was completely oblivious about what was really going on. At one point, Brian had called you into the back to help with something, which completely caught you off guard – none of the boys had ever wanted you to help with a recording session, including John. No offence was ever taken about that, mainly because the thought of helping out with the music never even occurred to you. You were there to manage, and get their name in the public. You also considered yourself instrumentally inept, but felt you had a somewhat mediocre voice. Something you were even scared to show John. Slowly but surely, after you had marked all the places in Roger’s binder with reminders about what exactly it was you were doing, you moved into the booth, hesitantly. You gave John a smile before turning your entire body and attention in Brian’s direction, sending him a smile as well, but not one as intimate as the one you gave John.

“Look, I know it’s weird for me to ask for your help.”

“It’s okay, really! I only know a small amount regarding John’s bass, so this is all new territory to me. I’m eager to please!” You regretted those words as soon as they came out of your mouth. Something in the back of your brain said that those words should be reserved for personal situations with John.

“Well, basically what I need you to do is simple. I’m going to play this riff:” Brian flawlessly plays a riff to a song you do not believe you have heard before. “Then, when I strum the last chord, I need you to place your fingers on these frets. When we do this live, it won’t be done as smoothly as on the record, but the sound will end up the same. Once your fingers are on the frets, I just need you to stand there as quietly as possible until the take is over. Do you think you can do that?”

“I think so, Brian. Let’s give it shot!”

Miami gave the cue to the boys that he was going to roll the tape and for them to begin whenever they were ready. Roger and Freddie were a little distracted at first, because they could not help but feel heat radiating from one portion of the booth, like someone was fuming at something. Their suspicions were answered when they looked at John. John was completely red in the face, gripping the neck of his bass with his left hand, head hung low toward his chest. Something was clearly bothering him, but they did not have a chance to ask if he was okay because Brian started the count off. John was fuming because of the close proximity you and Brian were sharing. He normally did not mind if you were with the boys and you happened to be seated to the other side of one of them and your knees would touch accidentally. That was the key word – accidentally. Whenever the five of you went out together, you always made it a point to sit next to John, and depending on that seat, sometimes you were seated next to another band mate, and they were all a lot larger than he was. They would end up taking a lot of the seat and occasionally bumped into you. It was harmless. This was the opposite. John knew he had absolutely no reason to be this angry with Brian. He knew that he was seeing someone, but for some reason it made his blood boil. He just wanted to get the take over with, make sure it was done flawlessly, and get you back to your spot on the couch where he can see you in your element. It would calm him down immensely to see you doing the thing that keeps you the calmest. During the course of the take, Brian, Freddie, and John had all moved around a little bit, force of habit for musicians when they get into whatever it is they are playing. John, completely unintentionally, had hopped his way towards you, his front to your back, Freddie had made his way backwards toward Roger’s drumkit, and Brian had shifted so his body was even closer to yours. Your feet had not moved a muscle. The take had finished, and Miami said that it was great. You remained still, until a large force knocked you off your feet. Brian had meant to take off he guitar from around his body, but instead of lifting the strap, he missed and his arm went straight to your gut. The force was strong, him being so tall and you being so short, and it knocked you backwards. If something had not been there, you would have landed straight onto your ass. Except you hit something strong. Solid. Unwavering. You fell backwards into John. As soon as your entire backside from your shoulders to your ass hit John’s bass and torso, his strumming arm wrapped around you reflexively. The top of your head bumped into his chin, and John let out a small whine of pain, indicating that it was not real painful, but it smarted a little bit. You turned around as best you could while still being enveloped in John’s arm to look at his face and make sure you did not hurt him again like you did all those weeks ago.

“John! Was that your chin? I’m so sorry, I didn’t break one of your teeth or something, did I?”

“’s okay, really. Just a surprise, is all.”

“John, we’ve been here before, don’t lie to me if you’re in pain, love.” As you called him the nickname he had reserved for you, your hands came up to caress his lower face. Your thumb lightly grazed his chin to feel if there were any bumps forming, while lightly poking your tongue through your lips. Unknowingly the way that drove John insane. You two had been here before. John knew it. You knew it.

Why were your hearts beating so much faster than last time? Eventually your examination of John’s chin had finished, and as he solemnly released you from his hold, you gave his chin one more rub with your fingers and breathed out a sigh.

“Well, I guess you’re okay this time. If you start to feel a bump, please tell me love, I can’t see you hurt again because of me.”

“Will do… love.”

As oblivious as the boys can be, it would take a real dumbass to not notice what just happened between you two. Roger had known there was something going on in John’s heart, but he, frankly, never imagined that there would be a reciprocation. Freddie and Brian were just as shocked. Not because they did not think John would ever find love, but just the severity with which the feelings hit him over the head. It was like he had been reborn under your spell.

~

The boys did just a few more takes, only allotting you about twenty more minutes to work on Roger’s binder, so most of the sticky notes you made remained in their place. Miami told the boys that he was leaving, so he would see you all in the morning. You all exchanged your goodbyes, and you began to pack up your papers as the boys packed up their instruments. Roger riskily tested the waters for a minute to see if Miami had turned off the speakers that were in the booth so the musicians could speak freely to those in the studio. He said your name while you were looking down at your papers, and if your head shot up, he would have made a grave mistake. But your head did not budge. He knew this was his opportunity.

“Lads, c’mere.” Shuffles of feet towards Roger were heard by everyone but you. “I hate to do this to John, but that little exchange earlier gave me all the evidence I needed. Deaks has fallen head over heels for our little American gal, and we all know he is too damn shy to do anything about it.” While Roger is speaking, John had made his way into the studio with you to let you know that his chin was actually okay. “I think the three of us, meaning you, Brian, and myself need to come up with an excuse as to why John cannot walk Y/N to her car tonight. Freddie, you need to be the one to walk her to her car and you need to grill her the way you know how. Figure out if she’s into him, and then say you forgot something and come back and report here. I have a plan to keep John in here.”

The two of you were the ones who were completely oblivious now.

“Deaky! C’mere!” John pried himself away from you and made his way into the booth. “Look, I hate to do this to you man, but I need you and Brian to hang back with me for a minute to look over this part. Miami cut us off before I could ask and if I don’t do this now, I’m going to forget all of it.”

“But I need to walk Y/N to her car, Rog.”

“Nonsense, darling, she can come say goodnight really fast and I will walk her out and keep her safe. No harm done, it’ll be fine.”

“Fred-”

“I won’t hear another word from you! It’s settled. Y/N, sweetheart, come bid us goodnight, these gentlemen have to stay back and work on something, so I will be your escort to your car tonight!”

You had just finished packing up all of your paperwork in your backpack, and made your way to the foursome standing behind the glass. You stood in your normal spot next to John.

“Well, darling, let’s get this show on the road. You will see them tomorrow, so no need to look so glum!”

“I’m not glum, Freddie, I just like having my routine with John. He makes me feel safe. But… I do understand if this is a pressing matter. Goodnight boys, and goodnight Deaks.” You lifted your hand to cup his chin again, to which he immediately leaned into and lightly held the hand that was on his face with his own. Humming lightly in response.

“Goodnight, love. Sleep well.”

Freddie then took you by your arm and walked you to your car. Once there, he offered to place your backpack in the passenger seat for you so you could get your car up and running. You let him do so, and while he was walking back, you heard him as a question but it got muffled by the sound of your car starting.

“What did you say, Fred? I didn’t catch that.”

“Oh, I just said it seems like you have a little bit of an attraction to our dear Deaky, yes?”

You went red at the bold assumption that was clearly the truth. How were you supposed to respond to such a blunt question like that?

“I’ll take your facial expression, color, and lack of words as a resounding yes. Darling, I am not going to say a word about it to our dear friend John, nor the boys. I just wanted to know if you were like that with all guys or if our John was special, and now I know he is! That’s all I wanted to know. But it looks like you’re all strapped in and ready to go, and I’m realizing that I forgot something in the studio, so I’m going to run back and grab it. Drive safe, darling!”

“Wait! Please tell John to call me when he gets home, okay?”

“Will do!”

With that, you drove off, anxiously awaiting and counting down the moments for when John would be calling you. All you wanted to do was make sure that everything he stayed at the studio for was okay, considering Roger seemed a little bit frantic about it. Freddie made his way back into the studio, and then all the boys walked out together, babbling about whatever. They all walked to John’s car first, since he had the heaviest stuff to take home, and they said their goodnights as they watched him pull away.

“Alright, Fred. What’d you find out?”

“She’s into him! You were right, Roger, you sly dog!”

“Well, Rog, if you are so smart, what do you suppose the next move should be then?” Brian was looking at Roger with a disapproving face, while Freddie was giddy with glee about playing matchmaker.

“A scheme of sorts. We need to arrange it so they can go on an adventure together, and then somehow end up needing to stay together, preferably at his house. They need a push to confess, because honestly if I see another gushy moment between the two of them and they aren’t official, I am going to shove their faces together myself.”

“Amen, Roger, amen.”

[bechloeislegit]

14 Days of BeChloe Valentines

DAY 11 - JESSE'S WEDDING

Prompt from the Author: Beca and Chloe had been dancing around each other for years. Beca was constantly getting her heart broken by Chloe's pushing her away. Beca's best friend Jesse is getting married to Chloe's younger sister. Beca will have to confront her feelings for Chloe.

NOTE: I use Borderline Personality Disorder (a mental health issue) in this story. I did some research, and I hope I portray it in a way that does not trigger or cause undue stress to anyone who may suffer from the disorder. This story is a little different, but it's something that I've had on my computer for a while; I just changed it a bit to fit Valentine's Day.

Beca had just performed in her first solo concert after being signed with DJ Khaled. She should have been on top of the world, but seeing Chloe kissing Chicago after telling Chloe she loved her had put quite a damper on Beca's excitement. She found Chloe and decided to find out once and for all if Chloe had any romantic feelings for her.

"Have you ever had feelings for me, Chlo? Not best friend feelings, but real feelings?" Beca asked. "Feelings like you would want to be in a romantic relationship with me?"

Chloe looked at Beca, confusion in her eyes and on her face. "Beca, why are you asking me this?"

"Because I need to know if I should fight for you or let you walk away from me and into someone else's arms again," Beca responded.

Chloe was utterly confused. "What do you mean, again?"

"I mean, again, as in this is the same thing that happens every time I think we've moved beyond being friends," Beca said. "That we were heading into something...more." Beca let out a sad laugh. "Funny thing, every time I tell you I love you, you walk away and hook up with someone else. And just when I've convinced myself that we will never be, you start acting like I'm your girlfriend and I get sucked back in again. You've got me spinning in circles, and I don't know what to do anymore. I keep trying to not be in love with you, but you are like something that has adhered itself to my soul, and I can't shake it loose."

"I don't know what you want me to say," Chloe said softly.

"The fact that you don't know what to say tells me everything I need to know," Beca said. "I continually set myself up for you to break my heart, and like the glutton for punishment that I am, I think this time it's going to be different. But, it's always the same as last time, and the time before that. How pathetic does that make me? God, I don't-" Beca runs a hand through her hair. "Forget I said anything at all. I can't keep putting myself through this, so this time I'm walking away from you."

Beca started to walk away, and Chloe grabbed her arm to stop her. Beca sighed as she turned to look at Chloe. Tears are flowing freely down Chloe's cheeks.

"Can we please talk about this later?" Chloe said. "I promised Chicago I'd meet up with him."

Beca shook her head. "Of course, you're meeting up with him," she mumbled. "Go meet Chicago because I'm through talking. Besides, I'm leaving. I'm flying out tonight with DJ Khaled."

"That can still work," Chloe said wiping her tears and feeling a bit relieved. "My flight isn't until tomorrow night. That will give us both time to calm down and then we can talk when I get back to New York."

"I'm not going to New York," Beca said. "I'm going straight to L.A. There's, um, there's nothing left for me in New York. I'll ask Amy to ship my personal belongings to L.A. for me once I'm settled."

Chloe let out a small sob, and it looked as if she wanted to say something, but no words came out. Tears continued to stream down Chloe's face. Beca turned and walked away from Chloe for the first and last time.

~~2019 BeChloe Valentines - Day 11~~

Beca is brought out of her musings when she hears Stacie call her name. They were sitting at a table outside a tiny bistro in Tampa where they had met for lunch. They were in town for Jesse's wedding. Jesse's Valentine's Day wedding to Charlotte "Charlie" Beale; Chloe's younger sister.

Stacie was there as Aubrey's plus one. Aubrey was invited because, as Chloe's best friend, she has known the Beale family practically her whole life, and Charlie thinks of her as another older sister.

Beca had gotten to know the Beales quite well as Chloe's 'best friend' but she was there as Jesse's best friend; she was going to stand with him as his Best Man.

"Beca, are you okay?" Stacie asked. "You kind of spaced out."

"Sorry," Beca said. "I was thinking about the last time I saw Chloe. It's been three years, yet sometimes feels like it was just yesterday."

"For what it's worth," Stacie said. "Aubrey hasn't seen or heard from her in over a year. Chloe did move in with her folks about that time but cut off all communication from her friends. From what Charlie's said, Chloe doesn't really talk to anyone but her mom most of the time. I'm not sure how she's doing now."

"That doesn't make me feel any better," Beca said and sipped at her iced tea. "I guess we'll get to see for ourselves how she's doing soon. The rehearsal dinner is tonight."

"Don't let your past with her ruin this for Jesse," Stacie said. "You owe it to him to at least try and be nice. You are his Best Man after all."

"I'm not worried about being nice," Beca said. "I'm worried about falling apart when I see her. After all this time, I still can't get her out of my head or my heart. I'm just as pathetic as I was three years ago."

"You're not pathetic," Stacie said grabbing Beca's hand across the table. "You're Beca Mitchell, international Grammy-winning pop star. There are literally tens of thousands of people out there who wouldn't mind having a shot at you. I wouldn't consider being admired and adored by thousands, as being pathetic."

"Yeah, but none of those people are the one I wanted," Beca said and in a quiet voice added, "The one I can't help still wanting."

Stacie started to speak but stopped when some of Beca's fans asked for a photo and an autograph. Stacie sat back and smiled at how at ease Beca was with her fans. It's one of the main reasons she was so popular.

~~2019 BeChloe Valentines - Day 11~~

"Thank you for meeting me, Brey," Chloe said softly. "I would have understood if you had said no."

"Chloe," Aubrey said. "You're still my best friend no matter how long it's been since we've seen or talked to each other. You should know that."

"I do," Chloe said. "I just haven't been much of a friend lately, and I'm sorry. I've been going through some stuff, and I started seeing a therapist."

"A therapist?" Aubrey was surprised. "Why? What's going on with you?"

"I realized that something was wrong with me and my mom thought a therapist could help me figure some things out," Chloe said.

"What kind of things?"

"Things like why I was so insecure and felt worthless. Why I couldn't have a real relationship without sabotaging it."

"Chloe-"

"No," Chloe said stopping Aubrey. "Let me finish."

Chloe took a moment to compose herself and her thoughts. "I felt like I didn't deserve all the good things that were happening to me so I would sabotage everything, especially my relationships. I would push away the ones who meant the most and move towards others who meant nothing. I was emotionally unstable and didn't want to keep doing those things."

"What did your therapist say?"

"He said I have a borderline personality disorder. Or BPO as he called it. He said everything that I was going through, being compulsive or impulsive, the anger, the guilt, being lonely, sad, and depressed; all of these were symptoms of BPO. I felt worthless, insecure, and managed to mess up the one friendship that could have been so much more if I hadn't screwed it up."

"Did you ever have thoughts of, um, killing yourself? Did you try to...do that?"

"Honestly, I did think about it, but I never made any attempts. My therapist said that suicidal thoughts are recurring in most patients," Chloe said.

"When? When did you have these thoughts?" Aubrey asked.

"It was about a year ago. After the USO Tour and Beca left to go to L.A., I didn't see or hear from her, and I became depressed and angry. I hadn't been myself even before that. I just hurt, physically and emotionally, and was ready to end the pain. I spent the next two years feeling like this and then I saw Beca-" She stopped and swallowed the lump in her throat. "I saw her on a talk show, and the hurt got worse. I just wanted not to hurt anymore. Luckily, my mom saw what was happening and took me to see a therapist before I did anything."

Aubrey sat back in her chair trying to digest everything Chloe was telling her. She wiped a tear from her eye as she wondered how she didn't know any of this was happening.

"Don't start feeling guilty," Chloe said as if reading Aubrey's mind. "The therapist said suicidal thoughts were just another symptom in a long list of many. Since I've been seeing him, I haven't had any thoughts of harming myself."

"What kind of treatment are you undergoing?"

"Dr. Green, my therapist, sent me to a psychiatrist who put me through a bunch of tests to make sure that I actually had BPO. Once she confirmed the diagnosis, she sent me back to my therapist so I could begin psychotherapy. I get one-on-one treatment as well as have group sessions. I've only been doing it for about nine months, and I'm already doing better. I've learned how to control intense emotions to reduce my self-destructive behavior and, hopefully, improve my relationships. That's one of the reasons why I asked you to meet me. Part of the process is to work on improving my relationships with those I hurt the most. I know I hurt you." Tears were in Chloe's eyes. "I'm sorry, Brey. I should've-"

"No, Chloe," Aubrey said with tears in her eyes. "From what you've just told me, you couldn't help what was happening. I'm not saying it didn't hurt. I just understand a little bit of why you did what you did." She wiped a tear that had fallen down her cheek. "What I can do to help you?"

Chloe let out a sob and grabbed Aubrey into a bone-crushing hug. "Thank you!"

"I haven't done anything yet," Aubrey said with a teary chuckle.

"Just asking how you can help is a huge relief," Chloe said and pulled out of the hug. She reached into her bag and pulled out several leaflets. "These, um, these have some information on what I'm going through, and there's also one that talks about how family and loved ones can get therapy to better understand and handle things. There's no real cure for BPO. My therapist is doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, on me. It uses concepts of mindfulness and acceptance or being aware of and attentive to the current situation and emotional state. The DBT also teaches skills that can help me control intense emotions, reduce self-destructive behaviors, and improve relationships. And I have a prescription to help with my depression."

Aubrey took them and looked through them. "I'm glad you told me. I'd like to learn more and see a therapist to help you."

Chloe was too choked up to speak, but managed to croak out, "I'd like that."

The two friends looked at each other, both wiping tears from their cheeks. Aubrey took a deep breath and asked the one question that had been weighing heavily on her mind.

"Are you going to tell Beca?"

~~2019 BeChloe Valentines - Day 11~~

Beca walked into the church for the rehearsal and Jesse immediately ran over to her.

"Chloe's here," Jesse said quietly. "She wants to talk to me. Why do you think she wants to talk to me?"

Beca laughed. "Probably because you're marrying her younger sister. Give you the older sister speech about treating her right, blah, blah, blah."

"You're probably right," Jesse said. He looked Beca up and down. "You look really nice, Beca."

"Thanks," Beca said. "Since I'm not wearing a dress tomorrow, I thought I should wear one tonight."

"Are you going to talk to her?" Jesse asked.

"I think it's inevitable that we will talk," Beca said. "I promise to keep my composure and do it somewhere private. Our personal problems won't ruir your wedding."

"Thank you," Jesse said. "Come on; I think they're ready to start."

Jesse dragged Beca to the front of the church with him. The minister smiled as they approached.

"And who is this, Jesse?" the minister asked.

"Oh, this is Beca Mitchell," Jesse said. "She's my best friend and best man, uh, woman."

"Ah," the minister said. "Excellent. Please remain here while I get everyone together to start." The minister got everyone's attention and asked the wedding party to take their places.

The minister turned to Jesse and Beca. "Okay, you two will be standing here with me. The flower girl and ring bearers should come down the aisle."

Jesse's niece and nephew made their way down the aisle with Jesse's sister holding both their hands to keep them from running.

Next, the bridesmaids and groomsmen came down the aisle. As they watched, Jesse whispered to Beca.

"Are you ready for this?" Jesse asked. "It's the first time you'll have seen her in three years."

"I guess it doesn't matter if I'm ready or not," Beca said. "But, I'm good."

"Get ready," Jesse said. "She's the last bridesmaid."

The minister made sure everyone went to their correct positions. Beca closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them Chloe was walking down the aisle with Benji.

Beca's breath hitched because when she looked back, Chloe was staring right at her with tears in her eyes. It took everything in Beca not to turn and run away; the only thing keeping her there was her promise to Jesse. Beca quickly averted her eyes down to the floor and then to the very back of the room where Charlie's Maid of Honor was coming through the door.

Beca forced herself to keep her eyes off of Chloe, but she could feel her stare burning into the side of her head.

"And now the bride-to-be will come down with her father," the minister called out.

The doors opened, and Charlie came through the doors, holding the arm of her father. Charlie smiled at Jesse and Beca couldn't help but look at him smiling back at her.

"And, stop there," the minister said. "At this point, I will ask who gives this woman and you, Mr. Beale, will say-"

"Her mother and I do," Mr. Beale said with a smile.

"Excellent," the minister said.

The minister continued to tell everyone what was going to happen and what they needed to do. Beca zoned him out and found herself giving side glances to Chloe. She still made Beca's heart skip a beat, but she looked...different. Like the past three years really hadn't been kind to her. Beca wondered if Chloe had been ill. She felt a different kind of pain thinking Chloe had been sick, and she wasn't around for her. She mentally shook her head to get those thoughts out of her mind.

Jesse moving caused Beca to come out of her daze. She waited until the minister gave her the nod before following Jessie and Charlie down the aisle. She glanced over her shoulder to see Chloe behind her, staring at the ground as she walked.

Beca stepped to the side as soon as she made it through the door. "Chloe?" she said as soon as Chloe stepped through the door with Benji.

Chloe stopped causing Benji to stop as well.

"Benji, would you mind?" Beca asked, silently pleading with him to leave them alone.

Benji nodded and patted Chloe's hand before moving away from them. Chloe stepped out of the doorway and a bit closer to Beca.

"Do you mind if we go somewhere and talk?" Beca asked quietly.

"I know we need to," Chloe said softly. "But, if we do that now, we'll be late for the rehearsal dinner, and my mom may kill us both. I have so much to say to you, and I don't want to rush through it. Can we, um, talk after dinner?"

"You're right," Beca said with a small smile. "After dinner it is. Can't have Mama Beale mad at me."

Chloe gave Beca a shy smile and walked over to join her family. Beca watched her go as Stacie and Aubrey came through the church doors and walked over to Beca.

Stacie looked where Beca was staring after Chloe and put two and two together.

"You okay, Beca?" Stacie asked.

"Um, yeah. I'm fine," Beca said. "What are you guys doing here? I thought this was for the wedding party."

"The Beales think of me as family," Aubrey said. "So, we were invited to attend the dinner part of the rehearsal."

"Oh, that makes sense," Beca said.

"Have you talked to Chloe yet?" Stacie asked.

"We're, um, we're going to talk after dinner."

"Good," Aubrey said. "Promise me you'll listen to what Chloe has to say. She really needs her friends now more than ever."

Beca looked at Aubrey with furrowed brows and asked, "What do you mean?"

Before Aubrey could say anything, Mrs. Beale was hurrying everyone out the door to head to the restaurant.

~~2019 BeChloe Valentines - Day 11~~

Beca tried not to stare at Chloe during the dinner, but it was impossible to do. Even when Chloe laughed at something someone said, Beca noticed that her eyes looked sad.

As much as Beca wanted to be angry, she couldn't be. She survived the roller coaster ride that was her relationship with Chloe for so long that anger wasn't a factor anymore.

When she first walked away from Chloe, she felt broken. She had a Chloe sized hole in her heart. It took some time, but that hole was slowly closing up, and she was content. She had her music; her fans; her friends.

"You okay, Beca," Stacie asked quietly.

"Yeah," Beca said. "Just getting lost in some memories."

Beca glanced at Chloe and saw her looking back at her. Chloe gave her a shy smile and turned to speak to someone near her.

"Hey, Beca," Jesse said from behind her. Beca jumped slightly. "You ready?"

"Um, yeah," Beca said as she looked over her shoulder at Jesse. She then turned to Stacie and whispered, "Excuse me, I have to help Jesse with something."

"Okay," Stacie said. "We'll talk later?"

Beca nodded her head as she got up and followed Jesse. Beca sat down at the piano that was in the corner of the private dining room; Jesse put the guitar strap around his neck and stepped to the microphone.

"Hi," Jesse said into the mic. "Thank you all for being part of our wedding party. Charlie and I appreciate you all taking the time to be here for us. I'd like to sing a song for my beautiful fiance. I love you, Charlie!"

Charlie was beaming at her fiance, and the wedding party was all smiles as they started clapping. Beca looked at Jesse, and he nodded. Beca and Jesse started playing; Beca began to sing.

(Beca) When it's love you give

(Jesse) I'll be a man of good faith.

(Beca) Then in love you live.

(Jesse) I'll make a stand. I won't break.

(Beca & Jesse) I'll be the rock you can build on, Be there when you're old, To have and to hold.

(Beca) When there's love inside

(Jesse) I swear I'll always be strong.

(Beca) Then there's a reason why.

(Jesse) I'll prove to you we belong. I'll be the wall that protects you From the wind and the rain, From the hurt and the pain.

(Beca & Jesse) Yeah! Hey!

Let's make it all for one and all for love. Let the one you hold be the one you want, The one you need, 'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all. When there's someone that should know Then just let your feelings show And make it all for one and all for love.

(Beca) When it's love you make

(Jesse) I'll be the fire in your night.

(Beca) Then it's love you take.

(Jesse) I will defend, I will fight. I'll be there when you need me. When honor's at stake, This vow I will make:

(Beca & Jesse) Yeah!

That is all for one and all for love. It's all for love. Let the one you hold be the one you want, The one you need, 'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all. When there's someone that should know Then just let your feelings show And make it all for one and all for love.

(Beca) Don't lay our love to rest 'cause we could stand up to the test.

(Jesse) We got everything and more than we had planned, More than the rivers that run the land. We've got it all in our hands.

(Beca & Jesse) Now it's all for one and all for love. It's all for love. Let the one you hold be the one you want, The one you need, 'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all. It's one for all. When there's someone that should know Then just let your feelings show. When there's someone that you want, When there's someone that you need

(Jesse) Let's make it all, all for one and all for love.

Charlie was up and out her seat as soon as the last note was played. She ran to Jesse and jumped into his arms kissing him. Everyone laughed and clapped.

Beca sat at the piano watching her best friend with a small smile. She felt someone staring and looked up straight into the eyes of Chloe. She wanted to look away, but something in Chloe's eyes wouldn't let her.

Beca suddenly found herself being embraced by Jesse and Charlie. She laughed and managed to stand to accept their joint hug.

"Thank you, so much, Beca," Charlie gushed. "That was wonderful."

"Anything for you guys," Beca said sincerely.

"Dinner's over so if you and Chloe need to sneak away," Charlie said looking at Jesse, who nodded. "We don't mind."

"Um, thanks," Beca said. "I, uh, we do need to talk."

"Just promise me you'll listen to what she says," Charlie said.

"Aubrey told me the same thing," Beca said, and a worried look came over her face. "Is she, um, is she sick or something?"

"Not like you think," Charlie said. "But, I can't say anything more. It's for her to tell you."

"So, she's not dying or anything like that?" Beca asked still concerned. "I'm sorry. I don't think I could handle her telling me something like that."

"No," Charlie said and squeezed Beca's hand. "Just listen to her. Ask if she wants a ride home and go somewhere and talk."

"Okay," Beca said feeling slightly relieved. "Thanks, Charlie."

"It's going to be fine, Beca," Jesse said.

Beca nodded as the two went back over to the table. Beca slowly followed, and everyone was congratulating her and Jesse on the song. Beca made her way to Chloe.

"So, um, could I drive you home?" Beca asked. "We can go somewhere and talk."

Chloe smiled and nodded. "I'd like that."

Chloe leaned and whispered something to her mother. Her mother looked toward Beca and smiled as she nodded. Chloe stood, and Beca led her out to her rental car.

Beca opened the car door for Chloe and made sure she was settled before closing it and making her way around to the driver's side. She got in and started the car. She sat for a moment and then drove out of the parking lot.

Chloe sat nervously bouncing her leg up and down as Beca drove. Neither girl was saying anything. Beca pulled into a small park and turned off the ignition. She turned to face Chloe; Chloe turned so she was facing Beca.

Chloe cleared her throat. "Could you, um, let me get everything out before you say anything. Please?"

Beca just nodded and waited for Chloe to start speaking. Chloe started speaking and spent the next twenty minutes telling Beca what she had told Aubrey. She didn't leave anything out and had tears falling down her cheeks as she finished.

"I didn't know what was happening to me," Chloe said quietly. "I'm not sure I'd still be here if my mom hadn't noticed how bad off I was and made me go to the therapist."

"Wait," Beca said startling Chloe. "Yo-you thought about killing yourself?"

"Yeah," Chloe said softly. "But, it was just once. That's when my mom stepped in." Chloe wiped a tear from her eye. "Beca, I know I hurt you, and I can't say I'm sorry enough. I miss having you in my life and, um, I hope that we can start over and maybe be friends again. Is that something you'd be willing to do?"

Beca sat back and was leaning against the car door. She looked down at her hands as she tried to process everything that Chloe had just told her. She licked her lips and looked up at Chloe.

"Why didn't you tell me this was how you were feeling?"

"I couldn't because I didn't know it wasn't normal. I'd felt that way for so long I didn't know there was something wrong; something that made me feel that way."

Beca looked back down at her hands. "I'm sorry. I feel like I should've noticed something was off. I, um, I-."

"It's not something you could have known," Chloe said. "I didn't even know what was happening, so I can't expect you or anyone else to know."

Beca huffed and looked at Chloe; really looked at her. "I still love you."

Chloe's breath hitched, and a tear fell from her eye. "Why do I feel like there's a but in there?"

Beca gave a teary laugh. "No buts. Just I still love you."

"I know it won't mean much now," Chloe said. "But I do love you. And I have for a long time. I didn't think I deserved you or anything else that was good in my life."

"How about now?" Beca asked. "How do you feel about your life now?"

"I'm better at handling stress situations," Chloe said. "I'm better at recognizing and controlling my compulsiveness; at not feeling worthless. I take medication to help with my depression. I'm getting back to the Chloe I was before I started feeling all these things."

"I'm glad you decided to do something about it," Beca said.

Beca ran a hand through her hair and looked out the front window. They sat quietly for a few minutes. The silence was broken by Beca's phone buzzing. She picked it up and looked at it.

"It's from Jesse," Beca told Chloe. "Charlie's worried about you and wanted to make sure everything's okay. I'll text Jesse to tell Charlie you'll be home soon."

Chloe just nodded and sent Jesse the text. She dropped her phone into the cup holder and looked at Chloe.

"I never answered you," Beca said. "About starting over and being friends again. I'd like that. And, I'd also like to know if there is something I can do to help you deal with all this? I know your family has probably been by your side this whole time, but it can't hurt to expand your support system, right?"

Chloe let out a sob, and Beca reached over and pulled her into a hug. "I'm here for you, Chlo."

~~2019 BeChloe Valentines - Day 11~~

One year later, Beca is sitting at a table outside a tiny bistro in Tampa with Stacie discussing her upcoming wedding to Aubrey. Stacie had asked Beca to be her Maid of Honor and since Chloe was Aubrey's they decided to combine a wedding planning session with Jesse and Charlie's first anniversary.

Beca smiled at Stacie. "What?"

"Are you thinking about Chloe?" Stacie asked with a smile.

"I guess I was," Beca said. "Things are progressing since we decided to be more than friends when she came out to L.A. for Thanksgiving."

"We are all so happy for you two," Stacie said. "We knew you two were destined to get together."

Beca just smiled. "It's only been about three months, but all the old feelings never went away. I'm just glad she feels the same way and wants to give us a shot. But, I can honestly say, she's it for me."

"I'm proud of you and Brey," Stacie said. "Stepping up and going to counseling with Chloe. I'm sure that's helped her better deal with her disorder."

"Yeah," Beca said. "But, Aubrey's been her rock. She's closer and can get to the appointments a lot easier than I can. I'm just glad her therapist lets me Skype in on some of the sessions."

Stacie stood when she saw Aubrey coming toward them. Beca looked over her shoulder and smiled when she saw Chloe with her.

"Hey," Chloe said when she got to Beca.

"Hey, yourself," Beca said as Chloe leaned down to give her a quick kiss.

"Good to see you in person, Beca," Aubrey said as she sat next to Stacie.

"Same," Beca said and smiled.

The four friends started talking about wedding plans as they ate their lunch. The next day they were all gathered for Jesse and Charlie's anniversary party in a small ballroom at a local hotel. Dinner was served and then dancing followed.

Beca was sitting and talking with Stacie when the opening notes of Titanium came through the speakers. Beca heard Chloe's squeal as she made her way over to Beca.

"Please dance with me?" Chloe asked as she stood in front of Beca.

Beca smiled and took Chloe's hand and led her to the dance floor. Chloe put her arms around Beca's shoulders and started swaying to the music.

"Um, Chlo," Beca said not moving. "This isn't really a slow song. It builds; remember?"

"I know," Chloe said with a laugh. "I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay," Beca said. "What's up?"

"I've got a new job," Chloe said. "It won't start until September, but I've already accepted the position."

"That's great, Chlo," Beca said with a big smile. "Is it here in Tampa."

"No," Chloe said and bit her lip. "It's, um. How would you feel if I said I was moving to L.A. for my new job?"

Beca and Chloe stopped pretending to dance. Beca looked at Chloe and opened her mouth, but nothing came out. It took her a few seconds before she could speak.

"Seriously?" Beca asked. "You're moving to L.A.?"

"Yeah," Chloe said. "I was hoping you could spare some time over the summer to help me find a decent apartment."

Beca thought for a moment. "No," she said.

"What? Why not?"

"Because you already have a place to stay," Beca said. "I have plenty of room, so there's no reason for you to look for a place."

"Are you sure about this, Beca?" Chloe asked looking uncertain. "I mean, we've just gotten together, and I don't want to screw this up."

"We've been together for almost three months," Beca said. "You won't be moving to L.A. for another five or six months. That's like nine months, and I don't think nine months is too soon. So, what do you say?"

"I say yes," Chloe said with a big smile. "Kiss me, roomie."

"Not roomie," Beca said. "I rather like the sound of girlfriend."

"Yeah?" Chloe said. "Okay, then. Kiss me, girlfriend."

"You're a dork," Beca said as she leaned in and kissed Chloe.

Chloe pulled back from the kiss and said, "Oh, before I forget, Happy Valentine's Day, Becs."

"Happy Valentine's Day, Chlo."

"I love you," they both whispered as their lips came together in another kiss.

Song Used:  All For Love by Bryan Adams (with Rod Stewart, Sting)

[nope-body]

My problem with people being “anti-self diagnosis” (one of many others), is that a lot of doctors are incompetent. Maybe it’s that they don’t believe you, or have never heard of it, or simply don’t connect the dots and don’t do enough to help you connect them, or a hundred other things. Either way, doctors, unless they’re extremely specialized, aren’t going to have a very in-depth view of your diagnosis. And even if they are specialists, there’s so many medical biases that at the end of everything, doing your own research is great. Diagnoses cost money, require facing potentially unhelpful or bigoted doctors, and the entire messed up medical system. And chances are, if you’re diagnosing yourself, you’ve done a ton of research and thinking. Also, especially for mental illnesses, it can be hard to explain what you’re feeling to someone else or communicating your thoughts and reactions to things, but google is much easier to use and find credible sites to do research on. And, fun fact, but I’ve pretty much self diagnosed myself before getting professional diagnosis for each of my mental illnesses. And, with ADD/ADHD, (I was very young when I got diagnosed and so didn’t get a chance to look it up before but) I was the one who clarified my diagnosis, I was the one who realized that I was only being diagnosed by how badly I inconvenienced others and what I couldn’t hide (spoiler: I hide a lot of stuff), and that it’s not really mild like they said. (What I remember being told is that “it’s either ADHD or ADD, but it’s really so mild that determining which one it is doesn’t matter too much”. Ha. Suprise, it sort of does and also isn’t at all ‘mild’ when it’s causing my depression and anxiety??). I was the one who figured out what that diagnosis meant because hell if they’ll tell me what the heck I have. It took years for me to stop thinking I was just broken and messed up and actually look up the symptoms of ADD and find out that that it’s not just only being focused when I want to and being disorganized, and that the first one is wrong and just used to blame me for not being neurotypical and that the second is more like a side effect than a symptom. But I did that. Me. And when things stopped fitting what I found out about my ADD? I googled again. And went on to find out about anxiety and depression, and figuring out that I have them way before talking to any therapist about them. Self diagnosis probably saved my life, because if I didn’t realize what was happening, I would have spiraled down, hard and fast. And I’m still spiraling, because there’s still things that don’t fit, and there’s stuff I don’t know how to work around, and there’s stuff I can’t avoid that make life terrible. But I’m working on it. And I never would have gotten here if I didn’t diagnose myself first. So yes, I will always, 100%, whole-heartedly support self diagnosis. Because it saved my life. Because getting a medical diagnosis is really hard sometimes. Because it might be impossible. But if you can figure out what’s up, that’s good. Some person who went to a bunch of schools and learned a little about a lot of things, most of which isn’t what you’ve got, doesn’t need to verify that for you.

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hwæt: I'm Waging a Campaign

Hwæt. We Gardena in geardagum,  þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon, hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.

So. The Spear-Danes in days gone by and the kings who ruled them had courage and greatness. We have heard of those princes’ heroic campaigns.

(Beowulf, trans. Seamus Heaney)

Hello friends,

I’m cross-posting this from a CaringBridge site that I could link to but which will reveal my secret IRL identity since the URL is my name for ease of finding! (I actually think that’s fine but, y’know, use the info respectfully since I have worked to have separation between my professional social media and my fandom social media.)

This is an introduction and update on how things are going with my breast cancer. I’ll do some cross-posting, but most updates will be on CaringBridge and, potentially, a sideblog here that will be less family-approved and/or full of reflections on the whole process. I’ll link you to that if I make one. Thanks for all the good wishes and the gentle hellos and the positivity. It has been sustaining and I am lucky in my friends and family here. 💜💜💜

(Author's note! This is a long post with a fair bit of technical stuff that I find fascinating but don't expect you to. It's just hard to know how to catch you all up without going into detail but, if you like, feel free to skip to the last couple paragraphs.)

If you're here that means you already know many of the basic info, which is that about 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with triple-negative, metastatic breast cancer. It's pretty nasty and aggressive and moved quickly from a large tumor in my left breast to my axillary lymph node to my lungs to the soft tissue next to my spine (with probable bone marrow involvement). It's probably about 6-9 months old. I wasn't looking for it since, at 34 with zero family history, I wasn't even old enough for screenings. But genetic mutations come from somewhere and it looks like I am the mutation.

Is there good news? Not much. (Not yet.) The tiniest bit is that more aggressive cancers tend also to be more responsive to treatment. The fact that it's triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC) means that the tumor is negative for the three types of receptors that can be used for additional therapies: progesterone, estrogen, and HER2. (A second test actually put my ER number at 20%...which sounds a little like me in general: although I seem very negative at second glance you'll see that I'm about 20% positive.) It's also negative for androgen. This means that the only potential kind of supplementary therapy that might help along with chemotherapy would be immunotherapy. I'm not a candidate for either surgery or radiation since the spread of the cancer is so pervasive and those are highly localized.

I haven't started treatment yet. For these past weeks I've been in a really difficult phase of undergoing a lot of tests to determine the character, extent, and location of the cancer. This was a surprise to me (and to my parents, who came out to NJ immediately and who have been living with me throughout this process). I sort of imagined that when you got the cancer diagnosis--which I did on January 24th at 11am when I was sitting in my office filling out a performance evaluation for my job at Princeton--they'd rush you off to an emergency room where they'd start treatment immediately. I definitely didn't anticipate having to schedule (a challenge in and of itself) and undergo so many tests and to have to wait, terrified, for each series of events. So far, this has been the hardest and worst part.

Being whisked off is more like what happens if your cancer is localized in the breast and associated lymph node. The big first question was whether the cancer was metastatic or not, which they found out with a CT scan that showed it, first, in my lungs. This was maybe the worst news of the whole thing because it meant that radical options to contain it (mastectomy, radiation) were out and that we had to do a bunch more investigating to figure out where the cells had hidden. There was a worry about my liver which showed a large mass that had been there since 2016 when I'd actually been tested for cancer--thanks to chronic fatigue and consistently elevated white blood cell counts--and come up clean. (Luckily the consensus is that the liver mass is benign since it "grew" only .7cm in 2 years, a possible measurement error.) This left the bone scan, which did show the tracer being absorbed, which led in turn to MRIs and a biopsy to confirm metastasis.

Every time I got a new result I learned that you really have to read the fine print when you wish to be exceptional. All of this is so statistically unlikely...and yet it's true.

All-in-all I had two biopsies of three tumors (breast, lymph node, soft tissue next to the spine), two mammograms, two CT scans, and three MRIs. This is in addition to office visits and blood work. I began working with a medical oncologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering (MSK) in Manhattan which brought me back to the city more times than since I left after college. It was looking like the only possible treatment option was single-agent chemo. Most clinical trials for TNBC require that you have been treated first. (I have "de novo" metastatic disease, meaning it had already spread when they first discovered it rather than that it was treated locally but spread anyway.) Others require hormonal receptor positivity. The few I was eligible for were often not enrolling.

However, thanks to the tireless research efforts of my dad, we found out about a clinical trial at the Dana-Farber clinic in Boston that I am potentially eligible to join. It's testing an immunotherapy agent that has already proved effective with TNBC with one chemo agent with a different one. (It actually just got approved by the FDA.) The only trick is that the way the immuno agent works requires that you have a specific protein (PDL1) to really see results. Essentially, one way cancer cells sneak around is switching off your immune system so it can't "see" that they are invaders. The turning off of the immune switch happens with a protein bond involving PDL1; the immuno agent being tested blocks that bond so that the "lights" stay on and the cells can't sneak around as easily. Clever! But if I don't have the protein it's not clear that either being in the trial or getting the now-FDA-approved treatment will benefit me more than single-agent therapy.

So that's the test it's all depending on right now. I should hear in the next couple days. If you want to send positive vibes and wishes and make sacrifices to your god(s) of choice, do it for PDL1 positivity. I feel discouraged, since I've been negative for everything so far, but these are all independent events.

I am also waiting for genetic testing to see if this is a germline mutation--like BRCA--that I inherited. This might affect future treatment and, if I did have one, could be good news because BRCA1 and BRCA2 are very heavily researched...in fact, when I worked in breast cancer research at Wash U Med School I was working with the BRCA lines. (For those who don't know, I started college wanting to go to med school--or at least get a PhD in genetics--so I spent 3 summers between age 16 and 19 studying breast cancer. It's equipped me well to have these discussions, though I certainly imagined being the doctor rather than the patient.)

There are three treatment options that I will (hopefully, hopefully) finalize soon.

I will have the PDL1 protein and will enroll in the clinical trial at Dana-Farber. This will require traveling to Boston every 3 weeks for intensive assessment and new rounds of chemo. The agent involved will make regular life a little rougher since it's by IV and only every 3 weeks. (And I might be in the control group, in which case I'd only be getting the chemo agent. I will, however, know which group I'm in.)

I will have the PDL1 protein and will receive the now-FDA-approved immunotherapy/chemo combination in Princeton with a local doctor and Dana-Farber only doing big-picture stuff.

I will not have the PDL1 protein and will receive single-agent chemo in Princeton, probably orally (twice a day) which is less intensively bad and more low-grade bad all the time. (There is, I guess, a kind of 3b. in which I decide to enroll in the trial even if I don't have PDL1 but it seems less likely.)

So, if you are keeping track of the big decisions that will allow me to actually, finally, begin actively fighting against this that's the last one. I appreciate all the notes that you've been sending so far. I get "message fatigue" but I see all of them and, in fact, have been saving all of them to look back on when things get even harder. So if you'd like to leave love and encouragement here too please know that I will see it and it will be helpful. I'm very unfortunate in this but incredibly fortunate in the number of people I have out there pulling for me and offering support.

Love to you all.

Site link

[elliebartlets]

TWW Rewatch: Noël (2.10)

Warning: mention of PTSD, Suicide, and Shootings

• I’m not ready. Seriously. I’m already feeling down and while this show comforts me, I’m not sure how I’m gonna feel at the end of this episode. However this is a brilliant hour of television. After I first watched it, I sat in silence for 10 minutes just mulling it over in my head.

•From Josh reliving the shooting, to the fighter pilot committing suicide to the woman screaming at the painting, this episode managed to center all three plots around trauma, and accurately portray a mental illness (because we all know a lot of tv shows don’t do that well.) For Josh, he has PTSD from the shooting, and instead of just remembering the trauma, they showed him actually reliving events of the shooting, over and over again.

• When it is revealed/understood that music is the trigger for Josh, it begins to fall into place. After hearing the string quartet in the lobby, you see him begin to unravel in those next three weeks: accidentally calling the bagpipes “sirens” (which concerns Toby), yelling at his coworkers, (which concerns Toby and CJ) and finally, blowing up at Bartlet. I kept pausing the scene where Josh snapped at Bartlet it due to sadness/secondhand embarrassment. But what I love about this is while Josh lost his temper at Bartlet and everyone else, they didn’t punish him. Instead, he was given help.

• “you have post traumatic stress disorder.” “can-can we have it be something else?”

I think this might be the saddest part in the episode. Josh begging Stanley to change his diagnosis because he believes having PTSD is immediate dismissal from the WH, and he doesn’t wanna lose his job.

And thankfully Leo can relate to that. Leo’s relationship with Josh is on a whole other level. He’s the one who brought in Stanley, he’s the one who waited for Josh in the lobby, and he knows that Josh is afraid of losing his job, something Leo can relate to. He’s not just his boss. He’s a loyal and compassionate friend.

“As long as I got a job, you got a job you understand?”

• Like Stanley said, “thank god for Leo”.

• “you’re in nine kinds of pain.” oh man, that made me tear up.

• The sequence of Josh reliving the shooting during the yo yo ma performance is one of the most haunting scenes. The No. 1 in G Major, the flashbacks of the shooting, Josh clutching his stomach where he was shot, the breaking of the glass, Stanley yelling questions at Josh, the breaking of the glass, the breaking of the glass and then finally, the breaking of the window. It’s just so well done. I did tear up but not until the very end.

• “can you honestly tell me that you didn't wonder if you were suicidal too?”

I must’ve missed/forgotten this when I first watched it. But was Josh suicidal? Him and the pilot had a bunch of eerie similarities: the same birthday, went through a traumatic experience, but unlike the pilot, Josh didn’t kill himself. Maybe he was suicidal and didn’t realize it, but I was under the impression he wasn’t.

• “So that’s gonna be my reaction everytime I hear music?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because we get better.” ♥️

• Something I also didn’t realize when I first watched this episode is that Donna was the one to realize that something was wrong. My heart. Of course she does. (Cause she’s tuned to him.) I fucking love Donna!!

• I’ve always loved the ending. The carolers singing, Josh watching them, the sirens begin to play under the music. And Bradley Whitford does that thing with his face. Idk how to explain it. If you’ve seen it (or seen it enough), you know what I’m talking about, especially after Donna says “Josh?”. He deserved that Emmy.

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• anyway here’s the more funny/lighthearted stuff!!

• Toby trying to get into the Christmas spirit was just laughable. Such a different change from his character.

• Isn’t that the butler from the parent trap?

• hey I’ve been to the musee d’orsay! *sigh* I wanna go back to France (and other parts of Europe)

• Bartlet and Christmas cards!! oh my lord over 1 million?!

“You send a Christmas card to everyone who wrote a letter to the White House. And somewhere around one million people wrote you this year.”

“Okay, but some of those were death threats.”

“They’ve weeded those out.”