#and that one ex friend who fucked up my mental health worse on the day I told him how low I really was

[twinsfawn]

†

[dr-piss-thief-phd]

One thing I hate about this site is that when I block someone their reblog a with comments still show up on my dash so I have to see their annoying fucking takes all the time still

[classypauli]

𝑫𝑶𝑪𝑻𝑶𝑹’𝑺 𝑻𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑻𝑴𝑬𝑵𝑻

Pairing: Tara Carpenter x fem!Reader

Summary: Tara´s asthma attack requires doctor´s treatment and having a hot doctor taking care of her is just a bonus, safe to say she likes the bonus better.

Word count: 2.5k

Tara was in her room, scrolling down on her phone having nothing to do. Her sister was somewhere in the house, getting ready to go out with her boyfriend. Tara sighed, she wasn´t jealous of her sister, she was glad Sam had someone to be by her side other than her. But in times like this Tara felt lonely. Chad was now on his practice and Mindy was having a date. So she was alone, lying in her dark room with the only noise of cars driving behind her closed window.

She stood up and went to the kitchen to grab some water. She needed to find some distraction, this wasn´t good for her mental health, rotting in the bed all day. Besides school, Sam and her friends she has nothing to do or talk to.

And she tried, she used to watch a lot of movies, especially the scary ones, and talk about them, analyze their plots and characters, acting, and cinematography. It was her element. But now it´s different, it brings her feeling and memories that aren´t right. Tara loved having nights out and watching horrors while eating popcorn sitting in her living room. But those thoughts only brought her to one of her ex-friends who betrayed her.

Tara´s chest started to rise and her throat became narrow as her breathing got only worse, she grabbed the bottle of water with shaking hands and started to drink it. This wasn´t her first time having asthma, she had it lots of times, Tara was familiar with it, but still, she couldn´t control it and it was scary.

„Hey I´m heading out-“ Sam came to the kitchen finding her sister leaning against the counter, eyes closed and her hands gripping onto the table. Her knuckles were white from how hard she was holding herself from falling.

„Tara“ she immediately came by her side, eyes wide, holding her sister so she wouldn´t fall, leading her into one of the chairs to sit her down. „It´s gonna be okay, don´t worry...“ she helped her sit and rushed out to her sister´s room for an inhaler.

Sam cursed under her breath, she looked everywhere for it but couldn´t find anything. Finally one was lying in her drawer, she picked it up and ran to the kitchen. Tara´s face was now white, her sternum was rising up and down in a fast way, tears running down her cheeks as her hand was holding onto her shirt.

„Shhh here, take it“ Tara grabs the inhaler with shaking hands almost not able to hold it. After the inhale Sam was expecting her sister to get better, to finally get some oxygen to her lungs. But nothing, Tara tried it again but with no change.

„Fuck“ Sam grabbed her phone from the pocket of her jeans and dialed Danny´s number.

„Hey you ready to go-?“

„Danny! I need your help!“ Sam shouted into her phone as she still was trying to calm down her sister. „Tara´s having an asthma attack!“ Her voice was breaking as she was getting more worried by each second. „Oh God okay okay! I-I´m going to be there in second!“

„Please hurry!“ Sam cancelled the phone call and her hands found their way to her sister´s cheeks. „Just breathe, you know how we do it every time.“ The older sister started to breathe with her, taking big inhales with her nose and exhaling with her mouth. Tara was repeating her sister´s action, looking into her scarred wide eyes.

Danny soon came and helped Sam with Tara into his car. Whole car ride, her breaths were the only thing Tara could hear, her head was spinning and her hands were gripping everything that was near. She was trembling and sniffing the whole ride. Thankfully the hospital wasn´t far and the traffic wasn´t as bad.

„Please! My sister has an asthma!“ Sam yelled as soon as they made their way into the building. Behind the reception table was a woman, she was sitting in her seat, phone in her ear having a conversation with someone. She only looked at them with no interest.

„Ma´am you need to wait-“ Sam cut her off before she could even finish her sentence.

„Are you kidding?! She´s having an asthma attack and you are telling us to wait?!“ a couple of nurses heard her yell and went to help.

„You must calm do-“ the woman tried again, Sam was so angry at the moment that if she wasn´t holding her sister she would jump across the table and beat her up. „I won´t calm down!“

One of the nurses immediately went to find a doctor and the other came by their side and helped them to go down the hallway of the hospital. Tara was now barely walking she was so tired from breathing and her head was spinning.

„Bring her here!“ Sam heard one of the doctors and was so happy that at least someone tried to help, she was so scared. „Okay let's put her here.“ The doctor was pointing at the bed and carefully was holding Tara´s body so she wouldn´t fall.

The nurse came to Sam´s side and started to gently pull her out of the room. „Ma´am please.“ She wanted to be by her sister´s side, she didn´t want to leave her here alone. Sam was afraid something would happen to her, she would never forgive herself. „She will be okay, I promise... There´s no need to worry, we just need you to wait outside.“ Sam nodded, if it meant that Tara would be okay then she would make this sacrifice.

In the room Tara was lying with her knees up leaning her back into the bed, her brain was barely processing what was happening. She just knew that Sam or Danny were no longer with her, which only created more anxiety. Someone was kneeling in front of her.

„Hi... I know how you feel right now and it can look absolutely scary but you won´t die don´t worry.“ The person was giving her some pills „I need you to take this... It will help. I promise.“ Tara took them and was now leaning again trying to calm down. Your voice was calming down her nerves, it was smooth she wanted to hear it again. As she looked up at the person, her heart almost stopped.

You were one of the hottest doctors she has ever seen in her life and she has seen them a lot. You looked so young to be a doctor, she couldn´t even guess your age. You were wearing a white coat with white pants, and around your neck was hanging a stethoscope. These were things she caught before her eyes made it to your face. Your eyes, softly looking at her, and your small smile that was greeting her eyes. In those white clothes, she almost felt like you were an angel.

„Good just slowly breathe in and out... There´s no need to rush.“ Tara kept looking at you shamelessly, not caring about how it may look, you were hot. She didn´t even notice that her breathing calmed down and now she was just sitting there looking at you.

„See! It´s already over.“ You smiled even wider at her, still kneeling in front of her looking up at her face looking for any change. Thankfully, Tara was now absolutely fine and it didn´t look like she would have an attack anytime soon. „Have you ever had an asthma attack before?“

„Yeah, this wasn´t the first time... I´ve been having it since I was a kid.“ She let out, almost whispering her answer as if she was embarrassed by it. „But this was the first time it went this far, usually the inhaler is enough.“

„Well sometimes attacks like this get triggered by situations the body is put into or thoughts, or it can come from nowhere... the symptoms of asthma are often nonspecific and can be precipitated by other disease processes... but based on your mimic and what the girl was yelling in the hallway I knew.“ You winked at her and stood up to go to your table.

„Asthma is a chronic inflammatory disorder arising from not fully understood heterogenic gene-environment interactions-“ 

Tara stopped to listen to you somewhere in the middle. She kept nodding her head as if she understood everything you were talking about. She didn´t understand one word that came out of your pretty lips.

„-features variable airway obstruction and bronchial hyperresponsiveness-“ God you were so hot when you talked like this. You looked too intelligent using all the medicine words that she could only dream about understanding.

„I gave you bronchodilators... it helps airways, or bronchi in the lungs to open and relax more.“ Tara kept looking at you from head to toe, you were tall and your body build was like a Greek god even under the doctor´s coat. You sat behind your desk and started looking for something, when you found it you smiled at her and went back by her side. 

The way you talked with your body language so confidently was sexy and she was trying so hard not to drool because of you. It got her thinking how old are you, you looked young to be a doctor, or maybe your genes were just good.

„Here... when it gets harder for you to breathe take this.“ You gave her an inhaler, she looked at your hand. Was there something about you that wasn´t attractive? Your hand was much bigger than hers and she could just imagine how her small hand would feel in yours. Tara slowly took it from your hand, making sure that she touched your smooth skin. „I know you have a lot of these at home but this one is a bit stronger.“

You smiled at her still keeping eye contact with your patient, looking for any sign of discomfort. „So I think you are ready to leave.“

Tara didn´t want to leave, she just wanted to look at you even if that meant you wouldn´t talk or pay attention to her, she could just stare at you and how you doing your work. A soft knock was heard on the door and a nurse came in. „Hey we are already done, can you please call the other girl inside?“ you asked her and she immediately went out to call Sam.

Sam rushed in, wide scared eyes looking for her sister. „Tara! Oh God... I was so scared.“ She hugged her, putting her chin on her head, pulling her away to kiss her on the forehead, her hands still on Tara´s side of her face. „Please don´t even scare me like that...“

You watched the whole interaction with a small smile visible on your face. Sam turned to you and thanked you for taking care of her younger sister.

„You don´t have to thank me... it´s my job.“

Sam helped Tara to get on her legs, slowly pulling her up, and holding her afraid that her legs would be too weak. You opened the door for them and they slowly walked outside of your room to the hallway.

„I´m so sorry for our receptionist this shouldn't be like this, I´ll take care of that, you can rely.“ You smiled at Sam and then Tara, winking at her again. The girl blushed at your action and looked down. Why was she so nervous around you? Her heart was beating and her body just wanted to reach out for yours.

„Take care! Hopefully, we won´t see each other under these circumstances again!“ you laughed and slowly started walking away down the hallway of the hospital. Tara now was looking at your back till she felt Sam´s arm tighten around her to hold her better.

She was now sitting in a car, looking out of the window, she wanted to see you again, so badly. She didn´t even know your name! Her mind was submerged by your face and your body, the way you smiled at her and talked to her, you were paying attention to her, and that made her so special. Being around you felt so different, like a fresh air in her life, even when she was with you only a couple of seconds.

When Mindy and Chad found out what happened they came to the Carpenter´s house. Everyone stayed by Tara´s side the whole day, talking, joking around, laughing, watching movies... and Tara still couldn´t stop thinking about her hot doctor.

„You are more quiet than usual, care to share?“ Mindy sits beside her on the couch looking at Tara. The girl only let out a sigh and looked back at her friend.

„Mindy... that doctor... was so hot.“ She threw her head back and closed her eyes. Mindy laughed at her and punched her thigh slightly.

„Don´t tell me you have a crush on some old fart.“

Tara turned her head to her lowering her eyebrows at her as she shook her head. „She wasn´t old, she looked really young! Almost our age!“

Mindy looked confused at her, most of the doctors were old, or at least around forty. Either you looked young or you were a young medic. They wanted to find you somewhere on social media but Tara didn´t even know your first name, so they went to the official page of the hospital and started looking at the personnel working there but they didn´t find anything.

Until they came across the photo of the all hospital workers, doctors, and nurses smiling at the camera. There was you, besides the nurse that was with you today and some other doctor, wide smile across your face.

„Damn! You are right she looks hot!“ Mindy moved her eyebrows up and down in a teasing motion, zooming the photo at you. „You got lucky Tara...“ she whispered looking at the photo. Tara snatched the phone from her hands and held it by her side in a protective way.

„I found her first! Find your doctor!“ Tara yelled at her friend but she only put her hands up.

„No need to be defensive, I won´t take her away from you.“

„You better.“ Tara mumbled, looking at her phone again, making a small pout with her lower lip. You caught her attention instantly, everything about you was mesmerizing. Tara only hoped that you would meet again. She was thinking about all the ways how to end up in the hospital... in your doctor´s bed. Or maybe even your own.

„Well getting treatment from a young doctor is definitely a jackpot.“ Mindy commented and laughed at her friend. „And even HOT doctor! That sounds like a big bonus to me.“

Yeah, Tara liked the bonus much better.

[soft-persephone]

Ex-Machina Review

!!!Spoilers!!!

Nathan Bateman, is a fucking asshole.

I love it.

There’s a lot of “theories” about this movie, but I have my own interpretation.

Narcissism and God complex aside, yeah he has those things, but Caleb is a driving point for how we see him.

I do not think Caleb is a robot or AI.

But he was losing his mind in the end.

Nathan may be an arrogant asshole, but he wasn’t wrong or lying to Caleb about AVA. Like he might have lied about the experiment, but for that to work he would need someone gullible and perhaps with no family, because let’s be honest, if the test worked, Caleb was not going home 😭 (homeboy was going to end up like the people who installed the generator)

Ava had Caleb eating out the palm of her hand. He fell in love her and she just wanted to leave.

Nathan is the only man smart enough (from what the movie tells us) to make this cutting edge AI, but no matter how many prototypes he builds, at some point they are going to feel like they are being held captive if they gain a conscience.

He can’t let that shit out in the world until they chill first and accept that they are an AI and can’t have normal life until xyz.

Either way, the end result of “what next” if they passed his test is going to be fucked up no matter what.

That robot feels like a person and can’t have a or al life and they are obviously going to want one.

So in my opinion, the movie sets up Nathan as a fucked up god figure held captive not by his intellect but also his creation.

He had to baby sit these fucking robots and hope one day they won’t try to escape him or worse (how the movie ended).

He obviously isn’t a god, but asshole rich geniuses tend to be arrogant and self absorbed in some way. Like, yes, you are a super genius and no one can do what you do, but let’s cool it with the God comparisons.

The movie only ended with his death because Ava turned Caleb against him.

I think he knew that was going to be the end result.

“Caleb wanting to help Ava.”

But he didn’t plan on Caleb losing his fucking mind. Because that’s what turned everything to shit.

But now let’s talk visual language, and meta shit.(my favorite🥰)

Domhall Gleason is obviously taller than Oscar Isaac, but this movie put a lot of emphasis on it.

On top of that, Nathan works out a lot.

Caleb is taller and he’s also pretty smart. But he’s also a gullible dumbass. That’s what feeds into the evil narcissist narrative to get us to think Nathan is the “villain” befor the big twist.

But CLeb just keeps feeding into it. He calls him a hod and kept doing stupid shit for Nathan to correct him.

Nathen isn’t suspicious, Caleb was just suspicious of Nathan.

I also think Nathan is the type of man where being smart isn’t enough. Taking, care of his body as well as being smart, makes him more “superior.” It feeds into his god complex as much as his intellect.

He also likes to subvert expectations of super smart scientist.

He’s not some frail absentminded professor in a lab coat.

He’s a weightlifting, dance loving, dude that likes to kick back with a few drinks. He likes to talk the shit and have a good time.

But also he lived alone for many years with an AI robot to fuck from time to time and sometimes dance with.

Good chance his workouts and hikes are for his mental health.

Nathan is an asshole, but he’s not a villain.

At the end of the day he’s making and testing something.

He killed those generator guys, and I think at the end of it all, he was going to kill Caleb too. NDA or not.

He chose a kid with no friends or family for a reason.

He’s making a product that needs getting and manipulated someone for the best results.

He likes to be In control of everything and aware of every possible outcome.

While the lying might have been wrong, it is the best way to test his AI. Like it makes sense not in a crazy way.

I think Nathan is more callous/sinister than evil or cruel.

I think Caleb was buying into Ava so much, and since the movie is from his perspective, it can convince the audience he is a villain of sorts.

Thank you for making it to the end of you did. I hope you enjoy my word vomit of the movie I enjoyed!

[babycalsgyalisback]

Bored and want some drama?

Here's a MASSIVE vent related to a one-sided fight I had with my friends and how I just never talked to them again!

TW: mention of Sh and Ed

Okay, so I've always been very introverted, and I also have a REALLY HARD TIME when it comes to expressing my emotions and feelings (I don't know why, but I have my theories) I don't really make friends, so I had been in the same friend group since I was 15 (I'm 23 now, 21 when the fight had place)

The problem here is that I've been sh-ing since I was 14 and NO ONE in that group ever noticed that, not even a friend that knew me since we were 3 (so she knew me BEFORE my mental health started declining)

Things became worse when I relapsed into my €d in june 2021. We were hanging out through that summer, and I was lighter every time I saw them. No one noticed either. (Pics of how I looked by the time I got to my lw)

BMI 16, LW 42kg/92lbs. 7 of us went on a little trip for a couple of days. That trip was far from good, but one of the things that bothered me the most was basically that 4 of them went to fancy, elegant rooms while 3 of us shared a REALLY bad and cheap one, without calefaction (in december!!!) and dirty af, and one of them kept commenting and making fun of how terrible the room was. But since we splitted the bill, we all paid the same, even though that room was significantly cheaper. (There were a lot of other things that just kept adding up, but this is already long enough)

I snapped when, the day we were leaving, they were talking between them about things that felt so strange (investing in crypto and a lot of things like that) while I was completely alone there like 🧍‍♀️. I started thinking if they were really my friends since they never noticed anything. Not even when I stopped hiding my sc4rs, even when I lost 12kg in 5 months.

When we came back they were talking about splitting the bill for the gas of the trip and I mentioned that it was better to not do that, just pay depending on who went into which car (we used 2 cars and they had different gas consumption) since we already splitted the bill for the hotel and it was unjust for 3 of us.

They started talking about how I was exaggerating, how it wasn't that bad, or that it wasn't that much of a thing. The girls who I shared the room with, (who happened to be my "bffs" and when we were there kept complaining about the room), SAID NOTHING, like, I didn't even want them to fight with me, but dude, at least a "that room was actually terrible" would've been nice, just to feel I wasn't crazy. One kept saying "well, next trip will be more balanced, just let it be" and the whole group was basically ignoring (literally, they just changed the subject while I was still writing about it) what I was trying to express.

In a rage rampage, I told them not to worry about it since I wouldn't go with them into a trip ever again and left the chat. One girl (the "nicest") sent me a message just to tell me how terrible I was for doing that and how fighting over such a minimal thing was absurd and disappointing.

Never asked why I reacted like that. Never asked if everything was okay. No one found strange such reaction. My supposed bffs did not send me a single message, and we just never talked again.

I get that I can't blame them for not realising what I tried so hard to hide, but at the same time, I keep thinking, "Who wouldn't notice?". My feelings just keep accumulating, and I found the perfect excuse for leaving the group, so even if the reason I left might seem nonsense for them, I actually had a reaaally big baggage with me that exploded there.

Conclusions:

It has been 2 and a half years since that. I am totally isolated now, I miss them so much (at least at some of them, my ex-bffs can actually fuck off). But every time I think about it, I feel my body build up in rage for how invalidated they made me feel. I want to tell them all I haven't, but at the same time, I just get freezed when I try to (during all those years I tried and always ended up not doing so).

Also it would be weird as fuck if I just came back after two years and said "hey, remember I left because of nonsense? Well, actually I'm very mentally ill and I need help ASAP and I just used an excuse for yall to ask me if everything is okay since I wasn't able to just say something was wrong because I wanted you to notice!"

Any recommendation is welcomed😭

If you made it here, thank you so so so much!!🥰🩷🩷

[fearofahumanplanet]

I am. So, so, so done with everything.

My mental health is plunging downwards by the day, and there's genuinely nothing I can do about it.

I can't work, because even if I managed to get a job, I'd end up dissociating or antisocial behavior-ing my way right out of it. I've had a lot of jobs in my life, and I never last longer than a year (usually only a few months) before going totally haywire. There is no one I could even use for a reference who wouldn't point out they fired me for being a shit worker, so the likelihood of me getting a job is basically none to begin with.

I was hoping to rectify this with my writing, at least put my eight years of fucking around and finding out to good use, but then I got rejected by every horror agent on the face of the planet and realized I'm utterly worthless at that too. I'm never gonna make a living off of anything, I'm realizing this.

On top of all that, I'm intensely agoraphobic and can't leave my apartment without wanting to curl up and cry. Talking to people I don't know genuinely makes me want to hurt myself. So I'm too pathetic to even be homeless, and the only reason I'm not is bc my partner and my abusive fucking ex are willing to have me here.

Which would be great, but I have to take the verbal abuse from my ex and hear her defend my other ex who gaslit me and then intentionally got me arrested all the time. I have chronic pain and fatigue, but I'm cleaning up after three people alone all the time bc shitty ex is a lazy, selfish bitch. My partner is either working or sleeping all the time, and when they're not, they're always having some emotional crisis - I don't blame them for this, but I'm reaching a mental limit at this point.

My chronic pain is also getting worse, I think. So much more pain this month, and I can't wonder if I'm making it worse. I can't actually bring up any of this with anyone, really, because I'm just "leeching off other people" or I'm manipulative for existing, apparently. It's a coin flip. I don't really have any support, but so many of my friends and partners are leaning on me with whatever drama, all the time.

I can't even get any professional help with my mental or physical health, either, even as I feel I'm getting worse. I can't afford it. Can't get health insurance. I can't even get my hormones, so I get to have my dysphoria on top of the pile.

It is becoming clear to me that this is going to be the rest of my life at its best, homelessness being its worst, and I'm not a good enough person to die young.

Why is it that only the good die young, anyway?

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Just processing into the void again. Thanks for seeing me, those who comment and heart.

Matt and I took a time out to do devotionals and listen to some worship music to get our hearts and minds refocused on God. It helped in the moment. But I’m back to being emotionally wrecked.

We are going to fix two of the car problems for roughly 400$ and then the last one mid January and fingers crossed we make it. I don’t travel very far.

Things are getting worse and worse with our roommates by the day, by almost each moment really.

Friend roommate is looking to leave again (she was gone this past weekend ) to get more space. I guess comments were made by her wife that she shouldn’t have come home/they should spend more time apart.

It’s definitely awkward living here and hearing the fights and knowing that we are definitely not wanted by one of them. My car has obviously been broken down and with roomie gone, she let us use her car to work (Uber, shipt) and get to my pet sits. Wife was not happy and made comments about it.

My PTSD is not okay as her wife reminds me exactly of my ex husband. Losing their shit one moment and being totally calm and putting on a friendly front. I’m out of the house most days with pet sitting and when I’m here, there’s always a warm “you’re home!” There was a short period of time before Rover kicked off where our routine was a caffeinated drink, news, and game shows until they started fighting and I hid in the room. Fun until it wasn’t fun.

I feel so trapped in the bedroom when I’m here. Honestly like I felt trapped in the bedroom when I lived with my ex and his grandmother. Wondering again where I would be living day to day with the hot and cold of my ex and the never ending fighting and threats of divorce. Broke as fuck because he refused to work and I Carried the financial weight. Different this time because we’re both trying hard to get re-employed. M did delivery work that was helping with bills but now I’m out of a car until we can fully fix everything.

We are looking at room rentals, short term Airbnb room rentals, short term studio rentals. Because what we can afford is about 2 hours from where we are trying to get long term employed. long story short without going into personal details, the specific line of work M is looking at getting re-certified in are only sponsoring in certain areas. So he’s looking for anything to get by in this moment while beginning the long process of the more stable career.

I’m floating in the wind. Caught between what I thought was going to be a career change vs misery in staying in social work. Social work will pay more, but starting my work in the animal care field will set me up better long term. I’m feeling very motivated to stay in this field, but it’s a shit time to make that change.

I’m just floored at the difference 3 weeks made. I was JUST writing about how happy I was, my mental health was healing, I was excited about work and the opportunities I Had in front of me.

Now I’m back in survival mode. I know the emotional and verbal abuse isn’t happening to me, but it’s affecting us in all the same ways. I’m having a lot of chest pain and needing my emergency anxiety meds multiple times a week because no matter the amount of coping skills, I cannot calm down.

I don’t know if tongiht would be considered a relapse, but I’m getting drunk because I cannot emotionally handle all of this tonight.

We are working on an emergency game plan in case this week goes to shit and we are kicked out.

I just need to escape. Just for tonight.

[rextasywrites]

Spiders and Burgers (a Leon Kennedy fic with a hint at Aeon)

a work focused on Leon post RE4r 

Warnings: talk of mental health, spiders, for the non-shippers theres a hint of Aeon

The effects of Las Plagas had left its mark on Leon. While no traces of it were left in his body, he for sure felt…off. Off was the only way to describe the pit in his stomach, the blood he could feel pulsating under his skin. His veins scared him in the faint light, thinking something could burst out of it any second, the blue shine telling him not a bit of Las Plagas was left inside of him. It was all just in his head anymore - the worst place to be.

How Ashley could sleep soundly next to him was a mystery to Leon. The plane ride back to the US wasn’t as peaceful as he remembered the old ones he had taken part in, no way for him to sleep. But every so often, Ashley moved in the seat next to him, fear and sadness rushing over her face. Thank fuck, with her dad’s influence and money, she’d get a therapist in no time. Leon? Well, it sucks to be him.

His bed had never felt this cold. Any warmth and comfort he was able to secure in this blanket fort had been ripped away. Old trauma crawling up his spine, wrapping around his neck like a choking hand, forcing him to spit out the things he had swallowed down.

Luis’ death haunted Leon longer than he’d care to admit. On paper Luis was another ex-Umbrella scientist dead, a success for everyone who cared about Umbrella. In Leon’s mind, Luis was more than another casualty. For him, Luis was a companion, a friend, someone he was able to rely on despite having known him mere hours. But there was a lesson Leon learnt thanks to Luis. People can change for the better. And Krauser taught him that people can change for the worse too.

*

With all the sweat Leon had drenched his pillow and blanket with, he could have ended the drought in the Sahara. The empty bottles of alcohol piled up next to his bed, couldn’t be bothered to clean up. Why though? Who could guarantee he’d make it back home tomorrow? Who could guarantee he wouldn’t be another casualty in the next outbreak, written off and hidden in a file? At least Leon knew he wouldn’t have to think about a grieving family in his last moments.

The only friend Leon could count in in those hard times was the spider in one of the corners of his bedroom. It wasn’t big, it wasn’t dangerous, it was just there. Chilling, eating the occasional bug. It watched him drink his worries and nightmares away, it watched him at his lowest, watched the sticky pages of another porn mag being thrown away. And it was never judging. Yet Leon was afraid - if something got into the water again, who said his little spider friend wouldn’t turn into a monster, something similar to what he had heard of the Mansion incident. That day, Leon moved his only friend into the backyard, only to watch it get eaten by a hungry bird. The circle of life, he thought as he went back inside.

*

Fuck. Why was someone knocking on his door? Leon hadn’t ordered delivery for the night and there was not a single guest supposed to enter his halls of depression and PTSD. Something Leon always kept on his shoe rack - apart from his shoes - was a gun and a baseball bat. Leon was never a guy who’d take a knife to a gun fight. Why would he go to a knife fight? Leon was more of a take a gun to a fist fight type of guy. Some would call it cheating, he’d call it thinking ahead.

Slowly, he made his way to the front door, reaching for the gun. But lowered as soon as he heard a familiar voice. “Leon? Are you home?” Ashley? What was Ashley doing here? Leon opened the door, just a crack, just to peek outside. “Ashley? Why are you here?” “I have tried to call you so many times now but your phone is dead. I wanted to make sure you’re okay! Wanna go to Hot Topic with me?”

And somehow, one of the most dangerous men in the world was talked into going to Hot Topic.

*

“Okay but…my dad has offered to pay for a concert ticket. But I cannot decide which concert I should go to!”, Ashley said as she looked through the mass of t-shirts in front of her. “On one side there’s Usher…he is so cool! And looks so handsome too! But Marroon 5 is touring too…and then I have heard that Mindless Self Indulgence will go on tour soon! Oh my God, have you seen Lynz’s newest tattoos? She looks so good! But dad won’t let me get a tattoo while he is in office…do you think this shirt fits me?”, Ashley babbled along, holding up a shirt with a few Pokémon on it.

Leon, quite overwhelmed with the whole situation, just nodded. “I bet you’ll look amazing in it.” Ashley let out a happy giggle and headed straight for the changing rooms, leaving Leon to deal with himself. But he was okay with that. The looks and smiles he saw from the other girls in the shop went right past him. He looked perfectly emo in their eyes, fancying his looks and his vibes. But Leon was busy looking at Pokémon merch. Maybe he should buy a support Pikachu plush.

*

“And then Emily said I looked like a slut. Oh my God, she said that while half her ass was falling out of her hot pants!”, Ashley said before taking another sip from her coffee. The two had left the mall, Leon carrying ALL of Ashley’s bags, probably carrying more clothes than he could buy with a whole year’s salary. He needed a raise for this alone. “You don’t look like a slut ever, Ash.” “You think so? What outfit would suit me, Leon?” “Uhm…”

Ashley chuckled and offered Leon a bite off her chocolate cookie. “Do you even know what’s in at the moment? You seem very…out of the loop.” “Yeah. Don’t really keep up with the trends.”, he said as he broke off a piece of the cookie, amazed by its gooeyness. “My friends and I could give you a makeover. Dye your hair. Pluck your eyebrows. What do you think?” “Over my cold body.” “Aw, cannot wait to do it then?” “What?” “Well, you always have a cold body cause you are so cool!” “And I thought my remarks were eye-roll worthy.”

*

Ashley had bought Leon dinner to round up things. The only thing he refused to do was to let Ashley into his flat. There wasn’t a chance in the world that he’d let her inside his cave. In that very moment he also realized how badly it smelt there. They hugged and said their goodbyes for the night, Leon heading inside with his bag from the nearest fast food place, looking forward to a burger and curly fries after helping Ashley with her boy-drama and girl-drama and everything-else-drama. Oh, being a girl in college must be so much fun, Leon thought as he dropped on his couch, munching on the first fries. And for whatever reason he suddenly got the urge to clean up.

*

“You were right! Getting him out of the flat was the best thing I could have done!”

“See? Sometimes all you gotta do is listen to me, Ashley. I know Leon. And I know how he’s after a crazy mission.”

“I have it all noted down. We agreed to go see a movie on the weekend. Should we watch Harry Potter? The Incredibles? Mean Girls?”

“I think Mean Girls is right up his alley. Okay, gotta go now Ashley. Talk to you soon!”

“Okay! See you around Ada!”

[irregardlessly-tish]

Hi, I just want to rant about something personal…

So, when I was two years old I met at kindergarten the person who would be my best friend through all my school years and a couple years after we both graduated… She went to college, I went to art school which then I dropped out but we still messaged each other almost every day. Near the end of her last year she wouldn't message me too much, it was mostly me messaging first, I understood she was busy with exams and sometimes I'd tell her stuff such as "Hey, if my messages bother you just let me know/you don't need to reply right away, it's fine" I'd get insecure, feel like I was bothering her and she would reassure me and say things like "Don't worry, I'll always have time for you!" until one day, she just stopped replying, she ghosted me for around two years or maybe a little more…

I felt pretty fucking bad during that time period, she was my only irl friend, I never had many friends and after ending highschool and my mental health deteriorated it was even harder to make new friends and maintain the ones I had. I tried to contact her but she just didn't reply and I felt I was making it worse, felt that maybe I was just too fucking much or too fucking annoying or whatever that she didn't even wanted to tell it to my face and ghosting me was the best option. Still, it hurt me a lot that she would say that she'd almost have time for me and that I wasn't annoying her, like why would she lie like that and make me think that everything was fine? I spent so much time beating myself up for fucking up our friend ship, I felt so useless, so guilty for doing something that I didn't even realize was so bad that she had no other choise but to ghost me.

And then one day she messages me here, on tumblr even tho she had an account she never used. She said she'd have texted me but she didn't have my number (it was still the same number I had always had, I didn't change it in all those years), I was a bit hesitant but if she wanted to reconnect, then why not? Maybe I'd have closure or something, I don't know. We started talking a bit, at first she would talk like nothing was wrong, like nothing had happened until I asked her why she had stopped talking to me. She gave me basically a "It's not you, it's me" kind of response. She said that she wasn't mentally in a right place and had stopped messaging me and her friend from college (mind you, she hadn't blocked me on social media so I saw she was haging out with ex highschool classmates, classmates who, by the way, bullied me and even tried to spread rumors about me, stuff like me being secretly a lesbian and trying to seduce her to get her to stop being my friend. So, she wasn't in the right mental state to hang out with me and another friend, but she was in the right state to hang out with those other friends of hers). Still, I didn't question it, I didn't know what she was going on internally so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I told her, though, how I had felt, how I thought I had done something wrong and that I felt guilty for a long time, blaming myself for whatever had happened that made her stop talking to me. She said she was sorry, it was just a moment in her life where she wanted to focus on her career but that she had missed me a lot and wanted to be friends again. There were many other things I wanted to say, a part of me wanted to make her feel as bad as I had felt, tell her that she knew I wasn't mentally in a right place either and she chose to ignore me, making me feel worse than I was already feeling, tell her about me cutting and trying to kill myself, about me overdosing and being in a coma for two weeks, I wanted to make her feel guilty… But I didn't, I didn't tell her how bad for two years had been for me because I knew it wasn't fair. I was very resentful, but thought that this was a chanse to left all those bad feelings behind and maybe continue our friendship were we had left it.

We hung out one afternoon, a couple of days after her messaging me asking for my number, we talked some more about life (I never went in too deep about how bad I had been), at the end she hugged me tight and said she was so happy to see me again, telling me once more how much she had missed me. This was February 2022. That was the last time I saw her or ever heard from her. She never messaged me back after that. Again, the feelings of guilt, the sensation of doing something wrong that I didn't even know what was came back, I wanted to hurt myself, feeling like I was a piece of shit who didn't even deserve love, deserve to have friends because I was so stupidly useless I didn't even know how to have friends. Months passed and I began to think different, I wasn't the one to blame for "our friendship not working", she was the one who wasn't putting any effort into it. She was the one saying she missed me while still hanging out with people who bullied me and talked shit about me in front of her.

A couple of days ago, I saw her dad at the park, we were both walking our dogs. I didn't thought he would even recognize me since we hadn't seen each other since I was a highschooler but he did and he greeted me. We talked for a bit, just asking how everything was, nothing too deep. The next day, she messaged me again, this time on instagram. I didn't open the message, I've decided, even if she comes back crawling, saying again she misses me or whatever, I don't want to be her friend, even if she promises she won't disappear on me again, at this point I don't care, I can't have someone so unreliable in my life, my mental health is already bad as it is... so today I decided to block her on everything, I just don't care any more.

That's all, I just wanted to get it out of my chest...

[arsen1cs4ng0]

shout out to the chip fandom for being legit TRAUMATIZING. not even saying that as a joke or exaggeration!!! i know/know of so many good people who got their mental health totally RUINED by the awful people there. im one of them!!! its SOO much more horrible than a lot of people realize or even want to talk/think about. so many are literally scared to speak of the effect it had on them because theyre scared itll happen all over again + because it was literally just That Fucking Bad. even im not coming off anon for this. fuck that!!!

from my perspective… theres genuinely like no good people left because they all got chased off + traumatized in the process. i honestly think even the writers themselves got chased off by the toxicity. the hiatuses + *the ending in particular* just line up WAY TOO WELL with awful shit happening for that to not be the case… :/

and it sucks too because it was such a good and diverse story! it was really finally getting interesting!!! some of the plot lines before it all just stopped were legit gut wrenching (/pos!!!) + incredible to watch! the way it humanized the characters was so!!!!!! GOOD!!!!! but it’s all gone now because some people are just total fucking toxic freaks and heckled + harassed literally everyone out of the community no matter how hard it tried to keep stable…. its so depressing. it was fun while it lasted but i never want to go back + it will literally never be the same as it was a couple years ago. and at this point i think that’s a good thing

sorry for the random suuuuper long anon. i know youre a smaller account and probably dont want to talk about this kind of thing. its just been on my mind and youre one of the few people ive seen be openly critical of it all. hope u have a nice day + this finds you well at least!! :)

[ this turns into a rant in the end but its gotta be said lol ]

hi anon, thanks for the ask !! i pretty much have no choice to be open about this all because no-one else ( apart from like. 2 people ) will, i would say much more if it wasnt for my awfully limited vocabulary LOL ( and unless you wanna see a 16 year old cursing and throwing every insult in the english language at the people who hurt / manipulated my friends, well um !!! )

it just hurts seeing the fandom get worse and worse, one of my friends was literally almost driven to suicide because of the toxicity and abuse from the modern fandom, my confidence was snatched away after shit that happened in june - everything has just been SHIT !!!!

ive been actively trying to disassociate from the fandom entirely but its been extremely hard ( especially with my hyperfix on who i call ''little guy the 2st'' - the most i can do is wait for the hyperfix to pass at this point ), everytime i check in i know its just gonna be the same now: people who pretend nothing happened and attempt to cover up everything that happened before they ''''apologized'''' ( and i thought they were gonna keep the bad shit they did up for accountability !! what happened to that ????? ), people who will desparately manipulate unsuspecting people just so their wittle friend can look like the ''uwu sweet bean x3 owo angel who was definitely never ever ever transphobic in their life !!'' - you get the fucking picture at this point LOL

everything has fucking demotivated me and i wish i could fucking scream at Those people, but whats the point of doing so if they're just not gonna pull their heads out of their asses and just admit what they did instead of being like ''WAAAAAH YOURE SUCH A MEAN MEAN PERSON I DIDNT DO THAT AT ALL STOP SPREADING LIES, N-NO !!!!! ;_____;'' ?? i dont care if i get attacked by those people anymore because its only gonna prove my point on how fucking toxic they are i feel so bad for unsuspecting people who dont know how bad the fandom really is and what they'll end up diving into like i did, like my ex-friend did too

again, thanks for the ask anon and im so so so sorry you had to witness this all :[

[psychomoonlady]

23 / 10/ 22

Starting off this page at 3:57 am on a sunday morning definitely gives a little bit of insight into the slightly unhinged lil story I'm living in. Yes I'll be the protagonist and you could follow me to find out what in the ( and i can't stress this enough) absolute fuck I've been upto lately.

Today let's just say I woke up at 3:30 am , had the sudden urge to turn my life around. Then I read a little bit of Murakami's "Norwegian wood" .

I'll show you the lil note I made that I thought would help in totally changing my life. For the better or worse we'll have to wait and watch.

'Here' refers to the city where my college is. It's a Government Medical College in a pretty big city in Kerala, India and I'm right now hopefully a third year student. I say hopefully since I've still not passed a paper from my second year which if I don't pass in one more chance, I might just get expelled. Absolutely no pressure.

The sweatpants and tees are since I've decided to start going to the gym since two of my friends started going and i have seriously got to do something about my weight. I might be super cute but I'm severely underweight, right now running on 32 kg (70.5 lb). Oh I didn't mention, I'm 22 and I'm yay high. Nah I'm super short standing at a majestic height of 4'9. It's a thing I'm really bummed out about since noone takes me seriously because of my tiny appearance. It particularly affects the way patients interact with me but I do have a good way of speaking in a really mature manner which helps compensate for it.

Now about nitc. National Institute of Technology, Calicut.

How is it related to me? Well that's where my ex boyfriend is studying. I'll tell you about our what i thought was really wholesome relationship in the coming days. I don't wanna spoil everything on the first entry. But the current status is that he dumped me three days ago because he felt that we're incompatible. The box I am planning to send includes some gifts I had bought for him since I didn't know what was coming plus two of his college's tshirts that i don't think wearing anymore would be good for my mental health.

On 25th, my second sessional ( internals) exam would be starting and it ends on 28th . On that day we will have to shift out hostel rooms. And currently my roommate situation is a little bit complicated which I'll tell you about in time. So I need new roommates and texted three of my friends at 5am about the pros and cons of living with me and asked whether they would be interested in doing so. Main pros I mentioned was that am a really chill person who won't judge if they play their music aloud and stuff like that. My clothes fit them almost always so just like how we already do, we can continue to share the wardrobe. Also we could sneak in drinks and we'll drink them occasionally when we feel particularly happy. I don't know of many girls who drinks in the hostel and we usually have to sit on the stairs and drink from seven up bottles pretending it's water and it takes half the fun away.

We could also make the room pretty aesthetic which is something I'm rather fond of that i haven't seen many other people care much about. Another advantage is that we could call proxys for each other which also is not something a lot of people are ready to do. Also since we're really close friends we could comfort each other and be there for each other whenever needed. We could study together but that's entirely upto them and if they don't want to do that it's totally okay.

Buying the bean bag chair is part of making the room aesthetic and comfy but that will only work if the room is big enough. So I'll have to decide whether or not to do it after getting the room.

A single room is something I've always wanted but it's hard to get and there are a lot of disadvantages to it and to be honest I'm not sure about it. But since it has been a dream of mine, I thought I'd give it a thought.

[badbacksadsack]

merry xmas guys, be safe

It could be whatever I feel alone a lot even when I'm with someone I feel like I don't check in enough with self I would like to do better at checking in Maybe check out some journal prompts I feel bad about being a sw I feel guilty and shameful about asking men on the internet for help however the times that I needed money felt dirty too I felt as if I was being bent over a metaphorical barrel by life

Just existing after coming back to the UK (adter being forced into islamic boarding school in africa) without any parents or family to support me I felt like I had to make money to survive somehow Existing was expensive so many costs with no income streams, the only people I've told were doing the same thing or 'worse' selling and taking dr(u)gs, coincidentally the first proper lgbtqia+ group of friends I've ever met/lived with which honestly clouds my judgment of a whole group I'm a part of It really shouldn't, I honestly wish it didn't My representation of the 'community' or the one I now belong to, the chosen family rather than (over) my 'actual' (biological) family seems to be (is/) one just as dysfunctional, gaslighty and gatekeeping as the one I escaped and I felt like I had to do what I usually do, disengage, avoid, not share myself as freely to protect my energy, my fragile mental health (i want to build resilience) and become 'harsh' aka be stingy with my finances (it felt harsh whenever my mum/sister used to share anything they would leverage that thing, now I struggle to recognise I need help and hate asking for it) and I wish to be generous but with boundaries so it doesn't feel harsh, to have money for myself, my future house, my goals to build the life I want Everyone deserves happiness. Everyone Above happiness is peace, that is the goal I am part of everyone and my happiness matters Whether or not I am under or overweight, I matter and Everyone deserves to eat no matter what, it is a basic necessity. I didn't have the language to express to my ex, a communist mental health nurse, a person who worked in that (mine)field of psychology, that I was struggling in part due to psychosocial factors not just MH problems or home dynamic stuff w my brother, I was flat broke, not eating, not getting a good circadian rhythm, the pandemic started and I was struggling with picking up my meds on time, feeling worse than I've ever felt when off them, then the pressure of my uncle and getting to shifts, after there was a shooting there, being on public transport in peak covid, getting groceries and cleaning the house I had stopped talking to (broken up with my abusive ex best friend) around that time so honestly the lack of a support system or any one to talk to was getting to me with the icing being that fucking traumatising few days where I injured my hand, got sectioned with stitches in my finger, got drunk w few days after, stupidly thought to surprise him, got the long way by bus bc the trains were off, ended up getting there in some dark area I wasn't familiar with, Drunk, and at unsociable hours, I wrote a left handed Drunk note left it on his car and spent the night stranded at the station until the sun came up because the buses weren't running I forgive myself for not having the words that day or any time around that I forgive myself for drinking when I didn't have any other coping mechanisms or anyone to talk to I forgive myself for calling the police on my violent abusive sister because if I had any other way to manage that situation safely, if I could handle it, I would have, I didn't mean anyone any harm that day and I took back the statement very soon after even with my black eye

I refuse to live my life in the past, my actions back then when I had nobody to listen, or talk to, or feel warmth about aren't who I am or will be.

My past selves are not reflective of my whole future selves, I learned a lot of life lessons to apply. Not all good or all bad, shades of grey. I forgive myself for not having the language to express to my current partner how scared I am sometimes because of situations I've been through, don't want to ever repeat or what I've been told. I forgive myself for shutting down when I've been taught to be small, have no needs and stop talking. I am human I deserve to speak, my lack of words sometimes is not a lack of feeling. The opposite, when I feel I get scared they might make the other person reject me, it triggers my abandonment wound, as a kid I felt I needed my mum to guide, love, support me but she was her own depressed person with an abandonment wound herself, she is human and humans can make mistakes. Life lessons from my mum are not all good but they're not all bad, shades of grey. I have to know what I'm healing from in order to move on. I have the power to release myself from the shackles I put on myself, self limiting beliefs are the water getting into your ship to sink it. I want to keep scooping that negative energy out of my vessel, I want to mind my thoughts, think light thoughts and when life gets stormy I want to sit with myself in the rain until it feels safe to go in and find shelter. All I know is that now it hurts but it won't be forever, even when I hurt it's not all bad or all good, the hurt tells me what I don't like or need to change. The lessons that serve me I want to water, pay attention to, and the ones that don't will be politely discussed but politely discarded. Thanks but no thanks.

[soursalami]

Okay here's a vent post about everything currently on my mind <3

My ex and I were best friends friends for a year, and dated for 6 months. Around the 3 month mark, he met someone he became very close with, she and him became best friends. We were still a couple up until this February, but they were acting more and more like a couple than we were. He and I lived in the same town, less than a 10 minute drive away, and yet he couldn't, wouldn't, make time for me. His best friend lives 4 states away, and yet they spent every waking moment with one another. Even when we did spend time together, his attention was still on her. I run away when I feel too emotional, so I told him that I was feeling unappreciated and unheard, and I took a mental health day so I wouldn't make anything worse by lashing out. We talked about it, and he told me he couldn't trust me to bring important things up to him. I wasn't holding onto those feelings, I feel like no one believes that I wasn't holding on. On one hand, I feel like I ruined everything, but thinking about it, even if we had stayed together, his behavior wouldn't have changed. He told me he thought I wasn't feeling appreciated, and his way to help was to ignore it. He never asked if I was feeling okay, he never checked in until I did. Why should I have to hold the communication, why do I ruin things when I am the only one pulling. His response to me getting closer to starting T was "LOL!", and you wanna guess who he was spending time with again? Her. They had matching profile pictures, a fictional family, they had plans to move in together, they called every day, they fell asleep on call weekly, guess what we, the actual couple, never had? Any of that shit. I wish I had communicated how I was feeling differently, but I don't wish we were back together. I'm angry, I saw him in the store yesterday and it brought up all my anger again. You can leave the house for everyone but me? You can talk to everyone but me? You never cared about me, you never loved me, you loved the idea of loving. I don't love him anymore, I hope he rots. At least he has a type, maybe they'll get together, and I hope he treats her like he treated me. Fuck you, I fucking hate you.

Also how can a father hate his own child? How could he do what he did to a child? What in the actual fuck.

Anyone thx <3 🙏♥️ 🍆 🍑 😏🤠

[phunnibun]

TG - Vent, Harrassment, Abuse, etc

So, I was in a 7 year long abusive friendship. Nothing too out of the ordinary but it still hurt.

But here’s some of the things I remember her doing before middle school?

Here you go

Would tell me fake things my crushes did to her (2nd-3rd grade) such as SA and DV as well as Drug Abuse

Never went to my house despite my offer and my allergies to her pets

Ditch me

Fake gossip about our friends

Told me that someone stole my art despite that she didn’t and so I was mad at a very sweet person for almost 5 years

Diminished my mental health before I could even turn 10

It got so much worse in middle school because she had a wider vocabulary and worse things to say. We didn’t talk despite me wanting to and reaching out during 6th and the start of the 7th grade.

Used her mental health against me

Used her parental abuse against me, diminishing my experiences

Vaped in front of me and talked abt such when I asked her to stop (she knew I had asthma too)

Left me for almost 2 years without contact despite me reaching out and trying to talk to her

There’s a lot more but I won’t bother with it.

The summer before 8th grade hit me like a fucking volleyball in the gut!

I corrected her spelling, not knowing for 7 years that she was dyslexic despite us being “best friends”

We got into our one fight and after me apologizing 6 times it wasn’t enough. She and my ex got on call after I BLOCKED HER! Because one of my ex friends got me into a GC with her and Whoopty, Doo, the next thing I can remember fully is me crying and apologizing on my parents floor.

The school year comes in, I’m in a special ed class because of mental health issues, her. She’s fucking there too. Nothing terrible happens until spring. That’s when shit truly hits the fan.

I was venting to a “neutral party” and I said some nasty things about this girl. Now, I admit I spoke out of turn but I regretted it immediately after. The “neutral party” proceeds to ask if she said any of these things. She denies it then makes a petty TikTok on it, one of her friends tagged me in it.

I block the accounts and proceed to apologize to her in a controlled environment because I was really angry at this point.

The next day school was canceled, I got cyber bullied by another account by the same name, over and over. Mainly on all the TikTok’s with my ex and I in them. Especially when I was emo.

I block the account. Around an hour later I see a very inappropriate text on my phone. (THIS PERSON GOT MY PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT IT BEING FUCKING PUBLIC BY THE FUCKING WAY) And after (admittedly feared) petty banter with this stranger, I block them. Another number sent threats and old interests. Then another started saying my dead name. My full dead name. This happened for a while. I blocked the numbers already. This time I tried to sleep it off, the texts didn’t give up.

I went to the police

It was her

She had two other people help her.

The school says that she’s still is in class with me and I have to sit there and just deal with the fear. They made me stand next to her, sit near her. Someone who harassed me so badly that I went to the fucking police.

Middle school sucked. I figured out that she was so fake. She was someone who I thought I’d be friends with for forever.

I am terrified of her every step I take now. She knows so much about me and it starts making me think that she might have had other secrets and attacks on other people.

I can never fucking escape her.

I’m glad I have a best friend now, a real one. And I’m so thankful that he’s helping me heal and realize that I’m capable of friendship.

[chaosvents]

A post about my ex who fucked me up so bad hahahaha.

Tw this guy is literally pro-hitler so like. If any or the isms and phobias bug you don't read any of my posts about him lol

So anyway one of this guy's wildest beliefs was that your personal politics should be actively NOT self serving. Like he told me that I shouldn't be pro-birth control/plan b/abortion even though I had been sexually assaulted and relied on those things to avoid pregnancy, because my attacker was white. So he was like honestly you would've been worth more in the world if you had his kid. For the greater good or whatever.

And he would lecture me for hours and hours and hours at a time about how I should basically chemically lobotomize myself with mood stabilizers until I had no opinions of my own, because I was a white woman and should really not do anything but repeatedly have kids. And I was expected to be like yep this is the life I want.

When we moved to phoenix, he was aware of my heart condition. I have POTS, which mixes horrifically with heat like that. We lived there for 3 years and most of that time I was in bed sick because the heat made my illness so much worse. I relied on him for everything.

I developed a bunch of shitty coping skills that probably have fancy psychology names like cognitive dissonance (which is like doublethink, which I did constantly for all 5 years and I'm sure it caused brain damage or something tbh) but it all boiled down to me completely buying that he was the only person on the planet who could tolerate me and that I had to bend to his will or be alone forever. It's been years since I even saw him and I still haven't dated seriously or gotten close with anyone.

I hold everyone at arms length, barely text my friends and am disconnected from everything and floating through life atm. Still trying to reverse all the damage he did. I have no self worth and no metric for what it feels like to be loved instead of just owned and controlled. I don't know what I want out of my life.

I don't understand how I could have let myself be so controlled by him. Why did I move across the entire country with him? Why did I let him push all my friends out of my life, change my career (he didn't approve of me being a barber because it was "basically like being a stripper"), and cross 8 states to get away from my life? To be... with him? Why did I let him convince me I was a docile, sweet, straight woman who wanted nothing more than tradwife and babymaking duties?

Even after I came out as what I thought was lesbian at the time, he still demanded sex from me multiple times a day and wouldn't take his computer stuff out of the second bedroom so I could sleep there. I had to sleep next to him and let him do whatever he wanted to me because he was paying the rent. I was forced into it so often that I convinced myself I liked it. Which is probably why now I'm so confused by my sexuality. What's a trauma response? What's genuine attraction? Who knows.

In march of 2020 I lost my job. He immediately kicked me out and I had to find an apartment alone, with no job, across the country from my family, in the middle of a pandemic. I've never had a worse mental health situation in my life and I've been inpatient 4 times. I barely remember any of 2020 because guess what? It isn't like I was allowed to stop having sex with him and showering with him because we didn't live together. He showed up constantly. Stole my spare key and made a copy so he could come in whenever he wanted to.

So why didn't I call the cops or something? Idk. I didn't really register that it was a problem at the time, he had been torturing me with stuff like this since I 19. By the time I was living alone in a shitty studio during a pandemic with no friends and my family a $400 plane ticket away, I just assumed that my life was being forced to perform a blow job, then let him fuck me, then showering in my tiny apartment shower with him while he leered and stared and grabbed my body, and then watch him play video games on his PC afterwards while sitting in silence on the bed.

One time he took away all my birth control pills and made me watch while he flushed them all. Going off of them suddenly made my lamictal way too strong (and of course he was force feeding me the lamictal so there was no such thing as adjusting the dose) and I got what I'm assuming was serotonin syndrome. I was blacking put, vomiting, hallucinating, terrified, and completely alone. I was calling him because he took away everyone else in my life and all I had was him. I drove to his apartment and begged for help. He ignored me and let me lay unconscious in my car outside his apartment for hours and hours in the middle of the day. In phoenix, in July.

I don't know what happened that day. I don't know what he did to me, but eventually I woke up at home. I found my car in the parking lot of a nearby grocery store.

I'm lucky I got away alive and without a baby. No one deserves to inherit half of my shitty genome and half of his. I'm lucky I got away at all, but not until he broke my spirit, took away all my support, dragged me across the country to a climate that made me severely ill, repeatedly forced me into sex after I came out, gaslit me, made me homeless mid pandemic, then continued to abuse his power until it literally almost killed me.

I met this guy when I was in high school. We were together from when I was 19. We moved to phoenix when I was 22 and he controlled me until I moved back home in July of 2022 when I was 26. The final straw was when I went out on my own for the first time in years and the bartender put drugs in my drink. I woke up alone in a swanky downtown apartment and when I called him to pick me up he told me if I was going to behave like a slut he wasn't going to bail me out.

Problem is I'm really REALLY allergic to both alcohol and roofies so I was horribly dehydrated as well as missing medication doses at this point, so I walked in the 100° heat to the ER. I got a sane exam where they found semen, a plan b pill, and a lengthy interview by about a dozen police officers. I couldn't bear to be alone in my apartment after that so I had the cops drop me off at a psych hospital.

I got my meds switched, went home, cleared out my apartment, broke my lease, and went home to my family. I'm safe now. But he's still haunting me. I don't know if I'll ever be okay.

Sorry.

[florencicle]

stupid florence rant

every single day i have a terrible mental health day and i talk ab my problem and im like wow i feel better maybe i wont be an insane crazy bitch anymore. then i am cruelly reminded that i will always be an insane crazy bitch because this is my mental illness. bpd is apart of me and im always going to be switching moods and im always going to hate leople one minute and love them the next

there is never going to be an "it'll get better" or a "it'll pass" or a "this is just temporary" because i am fucking insane and the smallest thing will ruin my fucking day and then it'll ruin my perception of a person and then now im holding a grudge against them. and i hate it. theres never going to be an it gets better for me because it doesn't fucking get better and it never will get better. in fact it just gets worse!

my illness only pops up when i have romantic feelings or am in a romantic relationship so when i think im getting better and i decide to out myself out there and i find someone i like . i am very cruelly reminded that i am ill and that now they are responsible for my mental health. and it sucks. this sucks.

especially bcus i only seem to get myself into situations where there is no possible way that i will ever be loved or assured the way that i need to be assured so thwt im not a crazy bitch. with my ex he just. was emotionally unavailable and i was constantly having terrible days bcus he would ignore me or say smthn mean. and then i tried to go on a date back in like june and it failed bcus he just wanted a fuck buddy and i am not into casual things like that i want a genuine relationship and he couldn't give that to me and then w the most recent thing like i . i cant even explain it but there's no way they can reciprocate how i feel and it sucks so bad because i know that they just want me to shut the fuck up cus im constantly bringing it up bcus i can't seem to keep myself in check. we r friends. i say to myself and then find myself checking obsessively for notifications and then getting upset when there isn't one and then thinking that means they hate me and now ive gone and fucked it all up.

i realym really wish i wasn't so ill and i wish i could just find the person who will stick by me despite all of my trauma and my problems and my insane behavior and i just keep picking the wrong people and i just keep hurting myself. i keep getting more and more hurt with each relationship i try and i am not getting better. and i wish the problem was me. i really wish it was bcus then i could understand why i can't get people to stay or to like me as much as i like them. but ik the problem isn't me. ik it isn't. i do everything in my power to make sure the person is comfortable and i am always checking in and i genuinely believe i could be a good girlfriend if i were just given the fucking chance and i am never given the chance and i am scared i will never be loved the way that i love other people.

whatever though! it'll get better! haha!