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pure-kirarin · 3 years

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Slow & Steady [P2] [Sabo x f!reader] (+18)

Genre : Romance - Smut - Bestfriends to lovers General warnings : Alcohol consumption - Dark themes - Swearing - S m u t - possessiveness - Mention of ex-relationships - jealousy

A/N : This is really different from my usual writing style but I am experimenting. Please tell me your thoughts and don’t hesitate to ask to be added to the tag list :) AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/31877203?view_full_work=true

In the last chapter -- «-Enough playing now, you're going to sleep. -B-but ! This wasn't what I asked for....You're really a coward after all...You virgin... » He carried you to his room, putting you on the bed and sitting next to you. «-I'd love to prove you wrong. However, it would be better if you were in a state where you'd be able to recall how good I am. If you want me to fuck you this badly then maybe ask me when you're sober.

Part I - Part II

Part II -Yeah yeah...Pff..You're no fun Sabo. Things were finally getting interesting ! »

He smiled seeing that you were now calmer. You started to yawn and bury your face in his pillow. He loved to see you getting so comfortable in his room. He really needed a cold shower after your little show. -Goodnight (Y/N). I'll sleep on the couch. You can get comfortable. -Are you crazyy ? You gonna leave me alone like this ? Let's sleep together~ -Come on (Y/N), you're a big girl. You could sleep alone for one night, would you ? Translation : I don't want to spend the whole night with a semi. And you're dangerously flirty, and I have wanted you for years and now I have to abstain.

-Pleaaaase. You said looking at him with puppy eyes. He rolled his eyes placing a hand in his hair. God.damn.it.

You won again. Like every time. * * * You opened your eyes hardly next day, feeling something hard against your thigh. You looked at the ceiling

Oh...I am not in my room...Where the fuck am I ?

you turn around only to discover the embodiment of Adonis to your side. A light beam was lighting up Sabo's face. He looked like an angel as his beauty couldn't be that of a human.

Was he always this handsome ?

You didn't know, in fact, you have never had the occasion to wake up in his bed. Wait, in his bed ? This realization came slowly as your head was still foggy from yesterday's consumption.

You looked down, the thing that was pressing against your leg was indeed :

his thing.

You frowned, blushed, pulled away, put a hand on your lips repressing an internal scream, all of this in around three seconds. You then tried to calm down, telling yourself that it was very normal for a man to experience this kind of morning unconviniences, and that Sabo was a man, after all. Even if you have always seen him as a bestfriend, he was still a man that is capable of physical attraction.

Now that this internal monologue was done with, you felt a bit calmer, but that didn't answer your question. You got out of bed, trying to recall what happened after going in the bar. And it came back. All of it. Without any mercy for your feelings.

You wanted the ground to swallow you whole. Your only wish was to disappear which meant : calling Nami. You headed out of the house, not even having the courage to face your bestfriend.

« Namiiiii -Uh ? What's the matter ? -I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. -Oh yeah ? Tell me about it. -Wait, why do you seem excited ? -O-oh I'm not excited. Come on tell me. What else could you have possibly done ? -I asked Sabo to fuck me. -Wait what ? You could hear Vivi ask Nami about what happened and her answering « She asked Sabo to fuck her ». -Nami ! Don't go on telling everyone about this. I'm on my way. -For starters, Vivi isn't « everyone », she's my girlfriend. And I'm here waiting for you to tell me what happened. -Wait, I'll come at your place. This can't be discussed over the phone. »

You hung up on her. Ten minutes later, you were at her place. Extremely confused. Nami was painting her nails bright red on the bed while Vivi was sitting comfortably on a chair. You let your whole body weight fall on a lounge pug, tourmented. «-So tell me how you and Sabo ended up fucking. She emphasized the last word in a way that made you almost choke on air. -We didn't actually. Nami and Vivi both sighed in a synchronized « Ah » of disappointment. -So hmm...I don't remember clearly. I was really drunk-- well that you're aware of and...And Sabo didn't want to leave me alone so we went to his place. Ace was at Thatch's so we were alone. We hugged and he comforted me. Then I started teasing him, and I don't know what I was thinking, but I kissed him, and then I asked him to fuck me. -Wow that escalated quickly. Said Nami as she continued painting her nails.

-Well, I was heartbroken, I needed something, someone, and he was there, and you know Sabo, he's a good guy ! I don't know what's worse, the fact that I asked him to fuck me or the fact that he said no.

-Oh god I'm so so sorry

- Nami please don't make things worse for me.

-No offense, but you're so dense. Sabo has always been into you. Do you want him, or do you not ? I know that going right into a relationship after a breakup is a bad idea. But honestly it's worth giving it a shot. He's a really good guy. Try dating someone nice for once.

-I don't know, he has something unsettling about him. Like « almost too good to be true » you know ? Added Vivi.

-Ohhh~ I see. Honestly, I always thought that he was a bit prude and hella vanilla. I mean, yes, he's my best friend. But he has never talked about girls to me or about sexual stuff. So I just assumed that. I never thought that he'd be packin' like that. You said as you popped a lollipop in your mouth.

-Ah ? Was it really that impressive ? asked Nami, genuinely curious.

-Yeah. On a scale from 0 to doflamingo he's a solid eight point seventy five. (*)

-Oh gosh. I understand why you're so worked up now.

-That's really...precise. Added Vivi, a bit horrified.

(*) [ The dear reader might need this clarification ; Doflamingo was Law's uncle, he sometimes came to pick him up after uni with his luxurious lamborghini. He wore extremely tight pants that left little to the imagination. And he was most known among your clique for having a nine incher. It was a running joke wether to know if Law got his uncle's genes. Needless to say that this joke wasn't to Law's taste. Now back to our adorable Y/N. ]

-So. I really don't know what to do. I am still heartbroken. -And horny. Added the ginger. -Yeah, that too. I'm afraid of ruining our friendship. -Listen dear, said Nami as she was closing the nail polish bottle, if you're not going for it, someone else would. And trust me, that girl Koala is upping her game. She's going to steal him right in front of your eyes, just like this - and she snapped her fingers. -Oh, and then, you can forget about being « best friends ». Said Vivi adding fuel to the fire. -Yeah, once he's gonna start dating, he won't have too much time for you-- and then, that Koala girl, my god, she seems extremely possessive ! -No way, your voice was detached, trying to act is if you weren't worried, Sabo has never dated any girl before.- -Yes but he seems to get along with that girl. And to be honest, she's kinda cute.

-Nami ! Vivi pinched her forearm playfully, pretending to be jealous.

-That hurt ! And don't be jealous, you know that you're my only one~

-Hmm...I prefer that. Vivi laughed. You started caughing reclaiming for their attention.

-Attention please ! We're discussing my dick-appointment here.

-Jesus you're really annoying, (Y/N), just go for it already.

-How much did he pay you to tell me this huh ?

-What ? He didn't pay me ! You're just always getting your heart broken. I'm just trying to be a good friend.

-Say that you are trying to get rid of her~ Jokes Vivi.

-Vivi, don't expose me like this- Nami plays along while laughing.

-I hate you girls ! You say as you throw a pillow on Nami. The ginger starts complaining that you messed her Nail polish, and the whole scene metamorphosed into a pillow fight.

* * *

You spent the whole day with the girls, chit-chatting about boys and girls and playing stupid games. You felt way more comfortable now, less ashamed. However, you were surprised because you didn't get a message from your bestfriend. You wondered wether he was mad at you, it wasn't in his habits.

You decided to message Ace [click for conversation] [ (Y/N) : Heyy amigo is Sabo ok ? Did he tell u smth abt yesterday ? Ace : Ouch, your hurting my feelings, </3 Only talking to me to ask about my brother~ Yea hes okay why tho ? (Y/N) : Ooo kay. He's home ? Ace : He is. Why don't u directly text him ? (Y/N) : Don't tell him I asked. Btw I didn't forget about those 10 bucks you « borrowed » from me. Give it back.] He didn't answer. You sighed and decided to go see Sabo to settle things down. It was the first time that you were embarrassed to see your best friend. You dressed up in a black skirt and t shirt. You didn't usually pay attention to your looks when you went to hang out at Sabo's, but you were really stressed out and what the girls have said about Koala made you scared of losing him. After all, you had some abandonment issues. You had to settle this down once and forever. You arrived at the guy's place, it was an apartment not so far from your own student flat. You knocked on the door and Ace opened : -Ohhh, (Y/N), he whistles, lookin' like a girl today huh ? -What are you implying you dumbass ? Where's Sabo ? -He's in his room with Koala.- -Wait what ? Koala ? What is she doing here ? Ace raised an eyebrow then said amused ; -I don't know, go ask him yourself. -You're useless as usual. -Always so sweet. You on your period or something ? -I didn't forget about my twenty bucks by the way. -I said I'm goin' to pay you back alright ? Now go talk to Sabo. You and Ace were always teasing each other in a brotherly way, but in reality, he really cared for you, it was just your usual way of communication. But it was true that knowing that Koala was in Sabo's room put you in a bad mood. You knocked on the door with a knot in your stomach. Did they start dating ? Was Sabo interested in her ? These ideas were torturing you. But why did you care anyways ? It was none of your business. He could date whoever he wants. You opened the door but there was only Sabo relaxing on his bed, still fully clothed. « - Sabo ?-Oh, (Y/N), what brings you here ? -Why ? Do I need a reason to see my best friend ? He sits on bed looking at you. He doesn't fail to notice your cute outfit, it was different from your usual sweatpants and hoodies, the way it complemented your figure was almost too much for him. Just that sight was driving him insane, but his face didn't betray his emotions, like always, he acted friendly, not an ounce of lust in his dark ebony eyes. You took place next to him. He smelled good, you thought. The same fresh minty smell as last time. Did he always smell this good ? -(Y/N) ?Huh ? Is everything okay ? His voice seemed concerned.He cared for you. And you had those stupid immature and posessive thoughts. Get a grip of yourself, (Y/N), you thought. -Oh yea-- wasn't Koala here ? Ace told me you were with her.

You tried so hard to act like you didn't care, but he knew you like the back of his hand. But still, he played along. -Hmm..Yes. She just left. I was going out as well. He says with a sweet smile, looking at his watch. You couldn't help but make a disappointed face. -But Sabo I wanted to - I'm really sorry (Y/N), let's talk later. He ruffles your hair and you close your eyes as he does so. You felt stressed out. What happened exactly ? You felt intimidated in his presence for the first time. You wanted him to stay and talk this out. It was a bit awkward for you now. You never thought too much. As he was going out of the room you held the fabric of his coat tight in your hand ; -Sabo- -Hum ? Need me to drop you somewhere ? -N-no. You let his sleeve go, realizing what you have just done, I'll stay a bit then go back home. Don't worry about me. -Alright then. See you later ? -Yeah. See ya. ]

You looked at Sabo go away and you followed him shortly after. Meanwhile Ace was sitting on the couch and watching some movies. You went back home and was quite tormented. It wasn't the right time to worry as you had your assignments and studies to deal with. On one hand, you didn't even have the time to think of your ex boyfriend and his cheating but on the other, you felt like you were let down by Sabo. But why ? He didn't do anything. He just found himself a new friend and a potential new girlfriend.

He didn't even talk about her, but why where you so upset by him meeting her ? After all, he had the right to date just like you always did.

A few days have passed and you didn't get the chance to talk to Sabo. Your exams were getting closer and closer and you didn't feel ready.

Usually, Sabo would help you with your assignments but you were too scared to ask. You realized how much you relied on him and how he has been always there for you.

Who were you exactly to him ?

Maybe you took him for granted.

As you were on your bed looking at the ceiling and trying to collect every drop of motivation in your system to study, you heard your phone ring. It was Sabo's ringtone ! ----- Tag list : @vemuabhi @chloe-abbacchio @mwls-garden @soanywaysistartedsimping If you wanna get tagged just ask for it :)

#one piece x reader #one piece imagines #one piece scenario #revolutionary sabo #sabo x reader #sabo x you #sabo #one piece scenarios #one piece sabo #one piece sabo x reader #nami #vivi #doflamingo #donquixote doflamingo #trafalgar law #nami x vivi #portgas ace #ace

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annetteblog · 4 years

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Intro & My take on KM

Hi!

I’m new around here so it’s supposed to be (not so short) introduction, since I don’t know how to start a blog heh. I hope to sprinkle my 0.5 cents into the KM conversation and maybe to bring a new perspective from someone, who is not a part of the typical English-speaking West.

Who /the hell/ Am I?

(please, consider it to be said with NJ’s voice from Intro: Persona :D)

I was born in Siberia (it’s in the Asian part of Russia), currently live in the European part of the country while studying at a Uni (European in terms of geography, not in terms of everything else i’m definitely not shading rn lolllll). English is not my first language, I’ve just kind of learnt it to some extent. Due to this it takes me more time to write a post; and I may (and will) make some grammatical & other mistakes. Plus I’m lazy AND busy with Uni, so I won’t even promise to be consistent in posting smth lol. But I thought I need more practice in terms of writing in English, so here I am, actually scribbling something. This feels weird, because I’ve been around stan Tumblr since 2015, but never ever interacted, just read.

How I ended up around Jikook/Kookmin (and BTS) & My (long&messy) take on this matter

Although I had heard of BTS before, I became an Army only in October 2018. I had kinda avoided them, because you know... boybands.... sing songs about romantic love and how they love girls.......... (+I had been around Twitter when 1D been at their peak and I remember a quite toxic community of fans, whom always had scared me). Shortly, hello stereotypes. Obviously, after I got engaged I felt terribly sorry that I had been sleeping on them, but what is done cannot be undone.

Someone I knew back then reposted one of their MVs and I, during my sad hours of procrastination, decided to watch it. Then I saw their live performance with the same song. And I thought “wow these guys can sing and dance and the music is kinda cool, i need to check this out maybe??”

Then a funny thing happened. One of the next videos I watched (the same person had it added to their page) was a 2016 BangtanBomb where JM and JK practiced their Coming of Age dance.

Do you know this moment with Gina from the 1st episode of Brooklyn 9-9:

Well, that was precisely me after I watched it. I don’t even know how to explain this, it was kind of a gut feeling? Whatever you call it, I started to get suspicious and couldn’t even explain to myself why. /actually now a do have questions to this vid and the main one - why does everyone cringe that much? if it’s a girly choreo than they had done some “girly” moves before. why is there such strong reaction??/

I started to get deeper and went to some ru-shipper communities. Shipping culture among Russian speaking fans is... well, weird to some extent, but I maybe address this topic some time later. You need to consider that (as far as you probably know) Russia is quite homophonic country and sadly is not the greatest place for LGBTQ+ community at the moment. The non-frienly influential attitudes hanging in the society + the general shippers’ weirdness = the result is not that nice honestly.

I struggled for some time in order to find more mature people (not just in terms of age but in general sanity), failed, ended up with some EXTREMELY toxic ru-fans of TK, which was/is the most popular pairing here, spent among them like 15 minutes and ran away horrified. After that I didn’t even try to engage with shippers or believers or whatever of any pair and just decided to enjoy the music and the content (which is a great idea, highly recommend!)

After a couple of days I discovered that JK makes videos. I love video, films and visual art so I immediately found them on YT, saw the titles with names of different cities from all over the world and was like “Oh that must be so cool, he’s visited so many outstanding places I’ve never been to, so I really need to watch it! I shall enjoy some beautyyy”. Then I clicked on GCFt.

Well, what can I say. I did enjoy some beauty, but not the type I had initially anticipated. The biggest clickbait in my entire life. JK should be proud of himself.

/as I said - the beauty/

I had already known Troy back then and I known the song’s lyrics so it would not be an underestimation to say - the video just blew my mind. I was like - hold on is this real? seriously?? no really really????? he manage to get away with something THAT obvious?????? dude how

As a person who edited videos AND is not a native English speaker, I don’t buy the explanation “oh he mustve didnt get the lyrics lmao”. You just don’t do that. You don’t. DON’T. You google and translate every shit you don’t understand, every word and idiom you’ve never encountered, because otherwise the possibility of an epic failure is very likely. You wouldn’t want to give your mum a video as a birthday present and then discover that you used a song with WAP-ish lyrics, right? (well maybe that would be okay in your family, I don’t judge, but that’s not the case for people I know). So don’t you dare to degrade JK’s intellectual capacities; such assumption is really offensive. He is a smart boii, he knows exactly what he’s doing in terms of his art.

So I was shocked, but decided to look for the context - maybe I missed some previous events regarding this Tokyo thing (another great idea - always check the context). Well, apparently I didn’t, because the whole narrative with the trip for two, lovely selfies etc. made my poor brain lowkey explode. (I still don’t buy the rings theory thing though)

But I didn’t give up lol! I’m a bit stubborn and it’s very hard to convince me in anything, so I decided to search for more context, more of their interactions, moreeee. Remember, the late October 2018, there were no swan lakes, RB, and even MMA18 hadn’t happened yet.

This time I ended up watching content in more or less consistent way, and when I saw all of these scenes with affectionate JM and a cool badass i-don’t-care-about-anyone-i’m-a-manly-man-with-no-feelings-whatsoever JK, I just hysterically laughed.

Homophobic Russia, remember? I recognized this. Growing up here being LGBT myself, taught me the same type behaviour during my high school days. When a girl I kinda liked but didn’t what to admit it to myself was nice to me or (oh god) flirted with me, I did something similar. It’s like a huge panic mode. Being an introvert doesn’t help either. The funniest thing is that you may not entirely realise what exactly is going on in terms of your own feelings, especially at that age (16-18ish). In my personal case, I thought I liked her but as a friend, only later to realise that well not as a friend oops :DDD The second thing (already not so funny) is that you actually consciously or unconsciously try to avoid the subject as much as possible, as long as possible and pretend that nothing is going on. We’re just bros. Stop doing this stupid gayish thing and don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. If you ever do this again I (gently) kick you. I’m straighter than a straight line in my math textbook. IDK, but probably that’s your brain is somehow trying to protect you. Again, in my case&position I knew that the consequences for any non-straight person being outed would be bad (TW not to the point of being killed bad, but to the point of being excluded from a big part of society). So for me it was a mixture of the internalized homophobia + lack of self reflection + just being a bit emotionally slow + very! straight community around. Shit happens, I was a teenager and made my share of mistakes, but that experience helps me to recognize the same pattern of behaviour up to this day.

So coming back to KM, because the post is already waaay too long and I just ramble. It’s been 2+ years for me being a part of this fandom, and what can I say... Things become more intense and eventful with every year passing by ;) Funny how I felt that vibe from the 2016 dance practice video. Seeing the Black Swan performance a week ago almost had me choked, no joking. They are amazing.

Pure Art

However, and I would like to emphasize that, I do not incline that KM are 100% romantically involved and/or gay or whatever. I tend to treat people with respect and not to make too much assumptions about their private life. That’s not my business. However, I’m also not a fan of heteronormativity, so I’m just sitting here and observe everything that’s going on putting some distance and not forgetting being generally polite and critical thinking. But if they are just straightest besties please give them an Oscar before Grammy

Anyways, I hope this blog won’t kick the bucket from the very start and I will post something every now and then. You can always ask me questions about some BTS/Jikook related stuff or something about Russia and a Russian view on mass culture topics, since I’m pretty sure some of you have very stereotypical view of what is going on here :) However, do note that I’ve never been to America or Europe, therefore I may not be aware of something verrrry obvious to you or just have a completely different experience.

P.S. And yeah, I’m used to say Jikook, since it’s the name which is used much more frequently in Russian. i like it better and what will u do haha

#jikook #kookmin #what am i even doing here #i'm gonna regret this #long post

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advernia · 4 years

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hi hi!!! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ mmm… i try not to expect something out of an unreleased route (bc most of the time i am horribly betrayed lmao) but there are loads of stuff i hope to see! forgive me for being rambly tho haha!

mousse. i actually have no idea what to expect from his route but what i do know is that his current position as a diplomat bothers me in a lot of ways lmao! but anyway… naturally we should be getting details on why he left the red army in the first place, so maybe on that side i do wish we’d get more insight on the workings of the red army, i guess? not that i’m expecting something super detailed or anything (tho it would be great if cybird feeds us with details), but for starters, maybe something more concerning the chosen bloodline - for instance, how did it come to be that for the red army, those thirteen certain families are the only ones strictly allowed to fill in that one position in the chosen ranks??? do relatives or family branch members count??? additionally, is mousse the first case of someone stepping down / refusing to take over their designated rank??? i’d like to think that he isn’t, but then again i maybe wrong???

alternatively… maybe mousse’s route could fill in some bit of cradle lore too? lmao i mean he is a diplomat and alice is a ‘visitor’, so he’s the best suitor to fit in the role of a tour guide. maybe a little more idea on how cradle works as an actual country, bc god i can’t even imagine how it functions properly. who knows, maybe he actually knows about that abandoned building in the forbidden forest + why it’s there in the first place. maybe he can actually elaborate the background of the goddamn 500 year conflict. if he actually does, bless my soul.

on relationships… while mousse is neutral but a former red, i imagine we’ll be seeing more of the ra guys rather than the ba, maybe… that’s fine with me since i’m interested in learning more about his relationship with lancelot, and maybe how he interacts with kyle + edgar since we already have a general idea of how he is around jonah + zero. but since the neutral faction has increased now, i’d like it if most of his interactions would involve more of his fellow neutrals. they need more screentime.

and finally, romantically… man, that ‘love at first sight… or is it?’ bit on his profile really gets me. oh, i will be ridiculously happy if that whole ‘love at first sight’ thing is interpreted as just sheer interest on mousse’s part. he’s in love with the visitor from the land of reason, with alice the second who hails from the same land as the first alice. he’s in love with the thought of her, a person who lives in a world so different from his own…but has he ever seen alice the second as the woman she is, as another human being??? this is probably unlikely to happen as mousse doesn’t seem too cold as a character but OOOOHHHHH I’D LOVE TO HAVE A TWIST（○□○）

tl;dr: a focus on red army history / more expository stuff on cradle. a toss between mousse interacting with the ra + neutrals, preferrably more of the latter. if cybird pulls a surprising twist / interpretation on mousse’s ‘love at first sight’ for alice, then i will LIVE.

dean. for starters, i’d like a little more understanding on how the boarding school he works in operates haha… i get it’s open to all regardless of status (red/black, noble/commoner maybe?), but what type of school is it, is it a regular one or a military academy of sorts??? if it’s a military type, to what extent are the students trained - basic combat/magic or are there advanced classes or all that shebang??? from what age are you able to enroll in it??? who runs it??? probably someone from the neutral faction / government itself but seriously speaking, is this the only school available in cradle??? if you’re wondering why i think that, i just find it odd that two different factions that have been in constant conflict still send their kids to study in that one school where anyone and everyone is accepted… i’d imagine the red side isn’t so happy about this more than the black side is, but maaaybe it’s a government-mandated / treaty / pact thing??? tbh i’m still on the fence on those ideas since there’s a lot more questions that would arise from that but… yeah. just… details, pls _(:3」∠)_ oh, more bonus points if we get more info about the day everything went dark!

anyway… dean being a professor appears underwhelming but it’s pretty interesting to take into account that he probably trained all(?) of them army suitors so… personally i’d be interested if there’s your teacher vs. student(s) fight scenes lmao. preferrably with dean still able to hold his own. bonus points if he taunts his opponent in the process with words like ‘i see you’ve forgotten your fundamentals’ or something haha! even more bonus points if we get dean/alice fighting the forces of evil magic disciples together!!! oh, that would be so good.

it would be fun if dean’s the type to subtly poke his former students with their dark history past mistakes when he sees them / needs them to settle down or smth. maybe he has dirt on someone like luka (and no, it isn’t about him feeding birds on the rooftop lmao). maybe he’s the only one who can make sirius & lancelot feel nervous easily, holy shit. but again, as dean’s a neutral, i’d prefer his interactions to involve more of his fellow neutrals. especially dalim. though that might be a given considering their relationship. i will greatly appreciate seeing more of the tweedle twins dynamic. even more if it turns out that the main conflict/antagonist of their individual routes happens not to be amon, but their other half and it’s not because of alice. AHHHHHH ( ･ᴗ･̥̥̥ )

idk what dynamic they’re gonna shoot for with dean & alice, but i do hope it doesn’t give off your ‘teacher-student’ vibes aha…… considering how dean’s personality appears so far though, i’d like to think that a slow burn would be fitting for them…? maybe something similar to lancelot’s where the conflict is given more focus than the romance itself.

tl;dr: background on the school + the day everything went dark. teacher vs. student(s) fight scenes + dean/alice fighting duo. dean being lolz evulz to his former students. tweedle twins drama, bless. if dean/alice gives off the teacher-student dynamic, well… can’t say i didn’t see that coming.

dalim. oh boy, while i’m trying hard not to expect anything for now, i can’t help but pray for something good with dalim. i think he has the best potential among the new three since he’s only (or first) suitor in an actual antagonistic position - he knows it, he accepts it, and he’s still going with it. if cybird handwaves a redemption arc for him thru the flimsy power of kira-kira labu (or friendship), i will be very, very, very disappointed. seriously.

anyway, there’s a lot of question marks surrounding him that i want answered but of course, more dirt on the magic tower. perhaps whatever details about the tower that they failed to address in harr’s route they can add + elaborate here, though i really wouldn’t mind knowing more nitty gritty on the human experimentation bit. then there’s the matter about the regression magic he developed. though maybe all before that detailed stuff, maybe some background about how dalim came to be a magic disciple would be good. and how and why he manages a pub on the side. origin stories are a must.

not gonna lie though - i’m more interested in his social life, his relationship with amon the first priority. how long has he known amon, did he approach amon or was it the other way around, when did he start serving amon, do amon and he have similar goals, how ‘loyal’ is he to amon, was he already amon’s subordinate when amon killed his father, did he help amon kill his father, why does he even serve such a guy in the first place... yeah, all that and more. hopefully those are going to be addressed. then there’s dean... if dalim’s goals + ambitions are purely for the sake of his older twin, i’m gonna cry a river. even moreso if his determination is so strong that he still chooses dean over his kira-kira labu for alice. now if cybird really does pull that off, consider me IMPRESSED. HOT DAMN.

them aside, in general his relationship tree seems complicated... he has strained relationships with harr + zero + loki + oliver, though it seems that he and harr still can seem to hold ‘conversations’ with each other... lancelot + seth don’t like him... idk if he was already involved in the day everything went dark operation, but if he was then ray + fenrir would definitely knock him down... lmao that’s a lot of hostility there, and that’s as dalim. as dum, zero + ray + fenrir + oliver are still wary of him haha! well, i hope his interactions with the rest of the cast will fare better / some of those relationships may not be as strained as they seem???

and the romance... since dalim’s human experimentation is a step farther and darker than edgar’s history of murder, there is no way you are going to make me swallow the possibility that he could go down the same route and be pardoned by cradle through trial. or in any way going to be redeemed + forgiven / set free quickly. no, i won’t accept it either if amon does something similar to a claudius and suddenly decides to say that he pulled dalim along for the ride (rather, i’d be furious). ends i’ll accept are dalim himself demanding for or receiving proper judgement for his actions. the feelings between dalim and alice are there & acknowledged, sure, but sadly regardless of what ending they physically cannot be together.

too angsty??? maybe it is, since i personally feel that his situation has the potential to feel more... well, military/war-fitting than the other suitors. i’m not hoping for that scenario simply because i want that extreme angst + drama, but rather because it somehow doesn’t sit right with me that someone so goal-focused, someone who seems to have walked down the wrong path of his own volition, who stated himself that he isn’t human and won’t let ethics stand in his way (zero’s route), would allow himself to be easily forgiven for all that he had done. it’s like a disservice. believe me, i like redemption arcs. but for something severe like what dalim dabbled in for what seemed like years... redemption almost sounds too kind.

i hope whatever they have planned for dalim would appear reasonable and satisfying, both to how they will portray his character and to the plot of his route as a whole.

tl;dr: more magic tower info. his history with amon. tweedle twins drama, bless. more insight into his relationship tree. cybird, dalim/alice’s foe yay has potential, pls don’t mess it up.....

#askdfghjl #the read more break went into the ask bubble like???#it looked odd so i transferred my response to text instead #i'm alright thinking about mousse + dean but dalim... ooooh boy #this ask made me laugh bc i recalled that some friends and i talked about something like this last year and it was messy #this post isn't any better than those convos lmaooo but i'd like to say i tried #i have other backlogs but i'm too excited to be home + finally sleep in my bed again BLESS

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mattyfm · 4 years

Text

new york’s very own matthew oliver was spotted on broadway street in converse . your resemblance to luke hemmings is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-fourth birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being temperamental , but also benevolent . i guess being a gemini explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be bubbly laughter, the smell of fresh coffee, & long drives to watch the sunset . ( cis male & he/him ) + ( monique , 20 , she/her , pst . )

my name is monique i’m both the baddest and saddest bitch you’ll ever meet and i have NEVER written a concise intro in my life, so be prepared for a lot of jumping around, incomplete thoughts, and information you didn’t ask for. without further ado let me introduce you to my angel boy matthew oliver.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬

full name. samuel matthew oliver.

nicknames. sam, sammy, matt, & matty (preferred name and most commonly refereed to as).

age. twenty-four.

date of birth. june 17th.

occupation. actor. (i might give him another job eventually but don’t hold me to that)

sexual / romantic orientation. bisexual & biromantic.

birthplace. asbury park, new jersey.

zodiac. gemini.

spoken languages. english.

𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲

samuel mattew oliver was born to two extremely loving parents jeremy and elizabeth marie oliver, arguably one of the most influential celebrity couples known to man, at least that’s what it felt like growing up in the household, everyone was talking about the oliver’s and when they weren’t...well that never happened

as a middle child, preceded by his older brother mason, and succeeded by his younger sister cassandra, naturally he was born with a crave for validation, anything that separated him for his siblings

but naturally in his need to be different he found his closest allies, more so mason than cassie, but eventually she grew on him, and was most certainly not forced upon the dynamic duo of brother by their parents, but believe me he grew to adore her!

childhood was seemingly normal minus the bombarding questions from nosy students who wanted to know what it was like to have celebrity parents or be rich or live in a house with more bedrooms than necessary

unlike his siblings however matty reveled in the attention way more than he let on, it was nice to be noticed for something, even if it wasn’t quite what he’d been hoping to be noticed for

but by no means was he stupid! he wouldn’t allow anyone to take advantage of him and had an unusual talent for knowing when people only wanted to use his friendship as some sort of gain for himself, and extended this talent to his sister cass, because boy oh boy did she need it

their dad who i forgot to mention was a professor at juiliard, his alma matter, caused a constant bouncing back and forth between their coastal home in new jersey and their urban townhouse in new york

both places felt like home to the trio! they made so many good memories, however matty was extremely preferential to the coast, and to this day maintains a beach boy vibe, swears everything is just better by the beach

going back to his upbringing for a minute high school rolled around for him and mason and he just became even more extremely protective of cassie, he went through things extremely unknown to his family

on the outside he was the model person and student, honor roll, a long glowing list of extracurriculars including sports, even holding down a normal job like everyone else at his high school, and not a single blemish in his criminal record, the squeaky clean olivers remained squeaky cleans

HOWEVER there was some shady stuff going on behind the scenes my guy, nothing too terrible, just the usual teenager with loving parents who raise a troubled teen, not because of any past trauma but a need to feel seen

DRUGS & ALCOHOL TW got into a lot of fight but always told them they had to fight after school, he got into drugs, nothing too hardcore, just weed (is that a weed i’m calling the police vibes).....at first.....but that’s a different story so moving on! he of course drank with his buddies at high school parties, honestly just vibing my guys, just straight vibes always

secret!!!!

CAR ACCIDENT TW & ALCOHOL TW & DEATH TW one day he’s vibing, it’s the summer they’re celebrating another school year complete, and by the end of the night nearly black out drunk at this point, he knows he can’t go home so he decides to get a ride home with a buddy he worked with, tell his parents that said buddy took him home after work, they worked on homework and fell asleep. and honestly had he had a little less to drink, he would’ve realized that his friend was just as drunk as he was, but they drove anyways. this lead to a drunken car accident, that ended in the death of a pedestrian. thankfully his friend’s dad was a lawyer, and they covered that shit up immediately.

after this whole ordeal choose an accelerated course of study to pursue his acting career, finally something people would talk about that would be solely his, like not really, but let him have his moment alright, he was desperate

lowkey feels guilty about being a hypocrite towards cassie because he’s telling her not to do any of the thing

ADDICTION TW he almost kicked his habit but getting back into acting and the guilt of having blood on his hands, was too much for matty, and he developed a drug / alcohol dependency, which he recognized was extremely harmful! he went to rehab! and has been very vocal about his struggle with addiction ever since

had an on set romance with a costar that crashed and burned, quite publicly, and was just not good for his mental health one bit! def didn’t help with his constantly teetering sobriety but he managed to get through it with the help of his family and his friends

acting wise he’s starred in a bunch of movies but his baby is the netflix show that he’s been working on, i would like to think it’s kind of a sitcom esque show mixed with the same comedic timing of the office, parks n rec, those kinda self-aware humor vibes

ADDICTION TW he plays one of the main character, and his dipped his toes into directing and writing a couple of episodes, the show truly gives me one day at a time vibes, just brings light to mental health, addiction, important issues you don’t normally see portrayed on tv, and he def plays schneider, the bumbling rich boy who does and says what he’s told, struggles with addiction, has a super childish nature, and just a hint of self-awareness but just a hint as a little treat

this is so ooc but i’m realizing he’s quite literally schneider from one day at a time

MENTAL HEALTH TW & ANXIETY TW has receded from that cool kid persona he once held back in what i refer to as his ‘glory days’ and is now extremely vulnerable to everything and everyone, will literally cry if you even look at him the wrong way. struggles with really bad anxiety, among other mental health issues (which is why his netflix show and he advocate so heavily for mental health!) but is quite literally one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, softness runs in the oliver family ig.

IS LITERALLY SO CHILDISH....where was once extremely mature for his age....he now copes with his trauma by just acting like a toddler, literally mixes chocolate milk IN HIS MOUTH like a heathen, but that still doesn’t stop him from being fiercely protective of cassie, and will fight anyone for her

currently vibing! filming, being his best(?) self, and making trips to the nj coast

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

positive traits. accommodating, adaptable, affable, affectionate, agreeable, altruistic, amiable, attentive, caring, cheerful, communicative, compassionate, considerate, courteous, creative, dependable, easy-going, empathetic, exuberant, friendly, fun-loving, generous, gentle, genuine, gregarious, helpful, honest, humane, humble, joyful, kind, lively, loyal, loving, optimistic, outgoing, passionate, playful, reliable, resilient, romantic, sincere, sociable, tender, trustworthy, thoughtful, understanding, and warm-hearted.

negative traits. anxious, amenable, avoidant, awkward, critical, defensive, disorganized, dogmatic, (over)emotional, evasive, foolish, forgetful, forgiving, gullible, headstrong, hopeless, idealistic, impatient, impulsive, irrational, messy, moody, oblivious, (over)protective, sensitive, shy, thoughtless, and weak-willed.

𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

here’s some basic plot ideas but we can always brainstorm smth! friends, frenemies, enemies, friends to lovers, childhood friends, ex best friend, costars, unrequited crush, bad influence, exes, one night stand, roommates! i have

#wealthyhq:intro #alcohol tw #drugs tw #mental health tw #anxiety tw #car accident tw #death tw #addiction tw #i hope lia still loves me after this #i might cry a little bit #please love me <3 #I AM NEEDY AND SO IS HE

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sunsetsover · 5 years

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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

#ben mitchell #ballum #eastenders #petty as hell but it was really bugging me that this wasnt showing up in tags so i'm posting it again lmao #sorry if u already liked/replied to it :-(#bpd #anon #question

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janiedean · 5 years

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After joining tumblr, my dream of becoming a published writer is forever broken and ruined. It may be drastic but I cannot imagine a future in which I'm a happy writer, knowing that what a large amount of people think is that you can't write about a gay character if you're not gay yourself, you cannot have a poc character if you're not poc yourself etc. It's frustrating and sad. That's what tumblr taught, along with simultaneously complaining all the day about the lack of rep

anon, let me tell you something first and foremost: tumblr is not a good audience when it comes to original fiction and if that’s what you want to do, delete tumblr from your perspectives.

now, I’ll go and say a lot of unpopular things before addressing your concerns, but here we go:

people on tumblr don’t read. or better: either they read fanfic which then they decide to consider the same thing as published writing, and like... while there’s a lot of fic that’s better than some published writing technically, the fact that they say it about classics or stuff they’re supposed to study in school shows that they have no idea of the basic difference in between the two media... or they read YA that gets hailed as the Next Best Thing In Literature when at most it’s a good YA and at worst it’s mediocre stuff that looks revolutionary because they haven’t read the fifteen other things that YA has taken inspiration from. at most they read harry potter when they were kids and never moved on from it, as showed by the fact that it’s 2019 and I still have to see people arguing about sn/ape being BAD OR GOOD when he’s the standard gray archetype, and if you can only think of sn/ape when you think about a gray character and you still haven’t made sense of his moralities or lack thereof, then you haven’t read anything else; (never mind that once I read writing advice like SORT YOUR CHARACTERS INTO HOGWARTS HOUSES LIKE FFS SOME OF US HAVEN’T READ HP THAT’S NOT A UNIVERSAL ADVICE FOR CREATING A CHARACTER’S BACKGROUND)

as people on tumblr don’t read, their understanding of how you write or anything else related to the craft is pretty much useless - like, the only thing each single writing manual agrees on is that if you want to be a writer you have to read a lot, because how are you going to deconstruct tropes (to say one) if you don’t know how those tropes work? or how are you going to play into them if you don’t know how they work regardless? I can’t write a tolkien deconstruction if I haven’t read all of tolkien’s writings back to back ten times at least, I can’t write a good novel about vietnam veterans in the early eighties if I don’t read all the history books on the topic I can find and at least ten tomes about how war-related ptsd in veterans works and possibly a lot of books written by vets themselves. I can’t write a stephen king deconstruction if I haven’t read stephen king back to back ten times either. which shows they think original novels are like fanfic - like, I personally have researched the shit out of things for fanfic, but I wouldn’t ask anyone to do it for a thing they do for free. like, if I see badly researched italian reinassance AU fic I won’t gaf if the author just wrote it based on the anglosaxon tv shows about the borgias around because I can’t expect them to read ten books about the topic to write a thing they don’t get paid for and that just people in fandom most likely will touch, but if it’s a published author that gets paid for it I’ll expect that at least they’ll do some research if they want to write stuff somewhat realistically. people on tumblr think that writing a novel requires the same effort as fanfic, as in, not much when it comes to background work, which is ridiculous, because that’s the difference - with fanfic, unless I write a detailed AU or smth, the author already did that work for me. I just have to expand on it and trying to understand the characters. like, it’s nowhere near the same thing;

which means that people have gone with this concept that ‘you can’t write X if you’re not X’, which is honestly ridiculous and counter-productive because it shoots down any chance that you, as an author, might actually understand what people who aren’t from your background feel like. also, I personally think that if you want to do that and you want to be good at it you need to a) find a way to relate to your characters that goes beyond your differences, b) talk to people from the category you don’t belong to. now, if I had to write a 50k short romance novel about two guys falling for each other at a record shop without too much drama happening, I’d probably just write it myself, some people who are actually guys into guys, ask them to read it, tell me if I fucked it up, get them to explain me how I fucked it up and run it by them until I’m done, but admittedly I don’t need research to find out how people run a record shop. if I had to write a story set in europe but idk there’s a zombie plague and one of the protagonists is a black american tourist I’d go ask someone who is black and american and possibly from the area I decided that person is from to give me background info on how I could write this person etc. and then run it by them after I’m done. if another of the protagonists is idk polish (because there’s not many polish people in mainstream european fiction outside of polish authors), I’d find a polish person to do the same thing and run it by them etc., because I’m not a black american nor a polish person but I still want to write those characters etc. but I mean, let’s say it’s the zombie apocalypse - can I make sure people connect with both of them because they’re surrounded by zombies and as all human beings in existence they don’t want to die? most likely I can. meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot of things about both categories because I talked to people belonging to them;

or, let’s say I want to write some story with a large cast where I decide that for the purposes of it straight character falls for a trans character and it ends well because fuck that I want people to be happy. I’m not trans, but I do know people who are. I’ll definitely talk to them running stuff and ask if thing X is offensive or not etc. because of course I’m not so I can’t know for sure, maybe I’ll stick with the straight POV or maybe not but I’ll definitely run it by them to make sure the thing is actually well-planned/not in poor taste, and meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot about the topic that I might not have known before, which is good because it means I know more about experiences I don’t have which is, guess what, how the entire point of writing stories is. you want people to empathize and feel for characters that might be not the same as them, that’s exactly your damned job, but if you don’t do it yourself first how do you assume others will?

all these people who think you can’t write a gay character if you’re not gay are the same people who think that if you’re a straight woman you can’t write about two men being in love/fucking but you should be able to do it about f/f pairings because since you’re a woman then you have to guess how that works out of that, which shows that they have no idea of how anything works - like I argued with half of tumblr on this topic so whatever, but as a straight woman I think I have more aesthetic tastes in common with a gay man since we both want to fuck men and we both are familiar with handling that equipment, so I’d find it easier to write about that rather than about the contrary as I don’t generally find women attractive in that sense except for like two very specific people who are not a very common aesthetic in general. but like, assuming that in virtue of being a woman then you have to know how it feels to be attracted to women while you can’t possibly do 2+2 about how gay men are into each other when technically you’re into men yourself shows exactly how these people have No Idea Whatsoever of how attraction works, never mind how empathizing with someone else works, never mind of how writing things with research behind it goes;

also, assuming that if you’re X then you can’t understand Y is extremely damaging because it means you can never understand other people’s struggles and that’s......... worrying? I mean, it’s an incredibly dangerous (and calvinist) position to say that if someone is X and so doesn’t know how it feels to have a specific kind of issue then they can’t get it not even intellectually. idk, I’m straight so I can’t possibly understand or relate to why would lgbt+ people want to marry and adopt kids/have their children recognized/have the same rights as I do? are we serious? so if idk I wanted to try and change some bigot’s mind about it when I see that they’re just parroting bullshit and they haven’t thought about it I shouldn’t even try because they’re a bigot and they’ll never understand or change their mind? so people who used to be bigots, then found out their kids or their kids’s friends were lgbt+, listened to them, realized they were bigots and are now allies/supporters couldn’t have done that because at some point they used to be bigots? how the hell do you want people to change or to be an activist or change the world if you don’t believe that people can change themselves or worse that you don’t believe that people coming from any background can’t understand people coming from another background? that’s not how it works. I mean guys ffs I read a bunch of nonfiction lately about endemic poverty in the center of the US out of personal interest and I’m as far from the US and any of those situations as it goes (I’m not a veteran, I never was not taught to read and write even if I finished high school, I never lost 90% of what I had after getting sick, I never needed to hop on a train illegally to go places, I never had to sell my own plasma to buy lunch, I never needed to live in a tent when I was going to middle school after my parents had to move to a totally different state and I never had to go live in a trailer after my house was sold by a bank before I couldn’t pay off my loan, I don’t have a five year old child that won’t be insured because she was born with a pre-existing medical condition), and like... I cried while reading some of them? because I could envision it and I felt like the system failed them and I hate reading about people being failed by a system that should support them, and I swear I’m not a US person who comes from that background whatsoever. I could probably write you a full novel about how immigrants in Italy have it like shit whether they’re legal or not because I worked in the field for two years and one of my oldest friends has immigrant parents and she was born here and she can’t use her ID to travel in europe only because she still doesn’t have a citizenship and she’s been waiting for years to get it. I’m not an immigrant in italy but I’ve known enough, seen enough and heard enough from them that I could most likely do it and it wouldn’t be badly researched. like, you can’t tell people to not tell stories if they want to do it with respect and not wanting to make it about themselves only. that’s bad writing. but if you care about the people you’re giving rep to then you should try imvho;

now: I suppose that you’re belonging to categories that are Not Minorities given how the ask is worded. (same as me more or less unless you consider atheists a minority but nvm that.) there’s a lot of writers around that are Not Minorities and most get published more than people who are actually minorities. people saying that you can’t write X if you’re not X and X = minority are pretty much telling you that you shouldn’t use your spotlight to give people rep when you could and you could do it reasonably well if you do your research and talk to those minorities. so they’re basically going against everyone’s interests because you could learn things and become a better person and make sure your readers empathize with your characters and more rep is always good esp. if well-done. I personally think that people should write about what they want - there’s topics I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching because idk if I could do that well and things I really wouldn’t want to write about so I most likely never will -, but that they should also go for what they want if it’s what they believe they can do. so if you feel like you want to write gay characters or whatever go for it and then find yourself a sensitivity reader or ten before you send your book around instead of worrying about what kids on tumblr who are still arguing about snape’s morality and think that writing the divine comedy is the same as self-insert fanfic think, because they will never create shit for anyone, you might. and you’ll have automatically done more than people who complain about everything but wouldn’t produce one single piece of fiction themselves and wouldn’t most likely waste ten minutes of their life researching the fiction they want to write.

tldr: if you want to write professionally, influence people and give the world good stories, don’t give a fuck about what tumblr says because it’s people who most likely will never read your books anyway unless you want to write the next YA saga that has the same six archetypes of characters in which then the only slightly problematic white cishet dude will be without further ado compared to sn/ape and everyone is going to get sorted into hogwarts houses and people will fight about that rather than giving a damn about whatever message you wanted to pass. don’t give a damn about tumblr and do your thing anon, no one deserves to have any perspective ruined because of this hellsite’s opinions on anything. ;)

#long post for ts #janie rants #guys don't take this as me bitching about HP but I'm honestly tired that It's The Only Book Ppl Read Around Here #peace #janie writes #fffff i hate tumblr #writing advice #i suppose #Anonymous #ask post

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ohhvlos · 5 years

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( ROCKY LYNCH, TWENTY-THREE, HE/THEY )┊SAMUEL “SAM” NOËLLE is the child of ANGELIQUE and they have ONE YOUNGER SIBLING. they seem to enjoy living in auradon. i’ve heard they’re known to be GENTLEMANLY + A PERFECTIONIST. we’ll be keeping an eye on them to see how they’ll write their own story. ( hylia ) // playlist , pinterest , to listen as you read.

welcome to bible study , we’re all children of JESUS ! hey howdy hey folks this is hylia back at again with another cinnamon roll , this time using the painfully underrated angel rocky lynch as an actual angel , sam. click to read more under the cut , and pls pls pls feel free to hit me up for plotting !!

BACKSTORY & BASICS

so this is gonna be relatively short bc frankly Sam’s a little boring so !!

Sam’s dad is an unknown man and Sam’s mom is Angelique, Prince Adam’s castle decorator. The little angel voiced by Bernadette Peters in the BATB Enchanted Christmas movie. And Sam was actually already born during the events of BATB - while his mom was changed into a Christmas angel, he was transformed into a cherub ornament. But he was a baby so he doesn’t remember anything related to it.

But he always had a love for the holidays since his mom’s position! And around the castle, where he grew up with her, he’d often help her and that stuff. Always would play with the other kids around the castle since - tiny squad, yk.

Yeah though he’d!! Grow up to serve Belle & Adam like his mother - especially in the context of being the next generation who’d follow Ben. He’d become a butler around the castle, but also due to his desire for helping people, he’d pursue medical schooling to act as the ‘nurse’ of the castle.

So yeah. Sam’s ur school nurse but. Castle nurse?? I guess???

He bounces back and forth between the castle and Auradon prep in terms of working - sort of doing the same thing around the prep school, acting as an assistant nurse but also a janitor if an extra one is needed. Bc he’s REALLY good at cleaning.

Also still helps out with decorating duties but that’s just a given I mean he’s ANGELIQUE’S BABY

PERSONALITY & FACTS

Basic facts - Sam is masculine non-binary but really doesn’t care what you call him, homoromantic homosexual, and 6′3 bc we love trees. He’s as angelic in personality as he is angelic appearance and I mean... look at him.

So essentially Sam is the perfect guy your average genuinely nice dude - he’s painfully polite and normally never seen to be angry, never complains if anyone asks him to do anything and also rarely turns down lending a hand to anyone.

....BUT, he has a bit of a perfectionist streak. Yes, Sam does not like to leave any flaws or any stone unturned in his work.

There is also his tendency to freak out of things don’t go his way. Not in the sense that he’s someone who throws a fit if you don’t do what he says - no, I mean that if there’s a plan and he agrees with it, he has to stick with it and if it doesn’t go exactly as planned he’ll lose his cool. He’ll stress himself out and think of EVERY WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME if one thing is out of place. Like, if you’re going somewhere and you don’t follow the exact way to get there as it says on the map?? Sam can’t do it. No, he needs ORDER and structure.

So of course this means he’s a planner, extremely organized and great at doing things by the book. He just... needs to learn it’s okay to not do things by the book sometimes.]

But he is EXTREMELY kind and gentle and caring and enjoys taking care of other people!! He’s your mom friend, I said it. Mom friend. Always has gauze and band-aids in case someone gets hurt, sanitary appliances and stuff in case you need it, sewing needle and thread if you have an emergency rip, etc.

He grew up learning all the necessary homemaking essentials so he can cook, clean, sew, dress a wound - also knows how to play piano and violin but has an odd fear of pipe organs... wonder why.

One thing he does tho if he’s not busy and in the prep common areas, if there IS one he’ll play piano and it sounds. Heavenly.

Sometimes he sings too and lemme tell u... his voice...

yes that is rocky btw i fucking love that song to pIECES

He’s more than willing to give his heart away to anyone and this is both... a good thing and a bad thing.

Everyone says he might as well have actual angel wings and a halo and tbh that’s... so true.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Gimme some folks Sam mom-friends over!! Ppl who repeatedly keep coming to him w/ their issues and he just. Gives them his help or a shoulder to cry on with zero hesitation. Bc frankly, he’s like that.

Would love if he did this over some VKs that initially wouldn’t trust him but they slowly learn that he won’t harm them and they get. Comfy around him.

Bad influences. Ppl who wanna see such a gentle, sweet soul crash and burn for whatever reason.

Also people who see his kindness and want to take advantage of it for their own personal gain since it’s so fucking easy to do

u can break his heart, trick him into doing something, etc. etc.

IF HE GETS TRICKED INTO DOING SMTH FOR THE VILLAINS THATD B SO FUCKING WILD....

other kiddos of the batb servants bc uh again servant kiddo squad

unrequited crushes bc yk that shit fucks me up to absolutely no degree aaaaand knowing sam growing up he probably had a whole fucking lot

exes too bc uh why the fuck not

ppl who think the whole nice guy thing is fake. i mean. it’s not. but there’s always gonna be sb who THINKS it is so please fucking give it to me.

give! me! his younger! sib!

also this would have to be assessed later on with chemistry but pls! give! sam! a boyfriend! he’s the perfect boyfriend i promise u that!!!

lov if he had a boyfriend who was like. from the exact opposite side of the tracks n was the typical ‘bad boy’ bc that’s my fav dynamic esp bc sam is the cinnamon roll to end all cinnamon rolls

i’d love if there were ppl who had a big deep dark secret around auradon and sam came across it and they’d trust him with it and he’d hide it for them and all that stuff bc frankly again homie can’t say no

again @ my antagonistic muses just pls fcking use him for whatever give me the ANGST give me the DRAMA ,

annnd essentially i’m lightning mcdumbdumb and can’t think of anything else so !!

chances are if u like this i’ll message u for plotting but pls feel free to dm me here or on discord ( rocky lynch lovebot / hylia.#0329 - does it make sense now ) if u have any ideas u can’t wait to show me bc i wanna hear anything and everything !! love u all dearly my homies and stream x by the driver era xoxo

#bt rn i had to do it for best boy #cyrus'... will come tmr #* &. about )#wickedhqs:intro

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datingdonovan · 3 years

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hii !! im sending this for te ask game 🥺🥺 i dont know if it is still active, if it's not, just ignore this, dont worry :))

about my personality im a virgo sun, a leo moon and a taurus rising!! as for why my relationship failed, i was never in one or either close to being in one but i guess that i had a crush on a boy that could work as a substitute story. i liked him for like 10 years lol (i started liking him when i was 5) and i knew he liked me back but neither of us did smth about it because we were too shy :((

thank you for reading this, love! have a very good day/night and take care <33

a/n: oh my word this was difficult hahaha not bc of you but bc im dumb and it took me so long to remember the possibility of this man because I truly don't have romantic feelings for him hahaha. but I think you really could!!! so I hope you enjoy <3<3

oh my oh my. remember how you were crushing on that guy for TEN YEARS??? yeah, I've found a worthy replacement. no, im not kidding. this dude is literally my next door neighbor. yeah. im serious. and I know im picking the right guy for you because from my window I can see him walk from his car after work and get his mail every day. literally what's more intimate than that??? what could tell me more about a person than the look on his face after a long day??? yeah, the look he's gonna give YOU every day after you move in together. oh, would you stop naysaying me and just listen for one second?? you HAVE to meet... sawamura daichi

I swear this guy is gonna change your life. first of all, he's so forward. I don't think he would ever try to hide how he's feeling from you, because he's so confident and intense but like, in this boy-next-door way (and no im not just saying this bc he's my neighbor). what I mean is he's not a model or a brainiac or anything, but he's sporty and he's cute and he's good with people in a way that allows him to be firm and tell it like it is and not worry about what you're going to say back. he's not going to be shy to tell you if you're attractive to him you def will be trust me so I promise you won't be in the long agony of waiting to see if he likes you back. the man is confident and he will make it so clear I swear. but besides the fact that you won't be waiting around constantly pining and worrying about if you'll get together, I think you'd actually just really like him in general. not just because he's forward. but because he's MATURE and NORMAL. like, I feel like you're the kind of person who sorta has your own little rulebook of propriety for your life, and you'd get stressed if things didn't go according to that plan, and you certainly worry sometimes about how other people fit into that and you wouldn't want to be with someone who would go starting some ruckus and ruining your sense of having an orderly plan for every occasion. and Daichi is like, the opposite of all those fears. he's the kind of person you'd feel like you've known forever, the boy next door who's kinda like home. he's the kind of guy that would fall perfectly right into your plan without even knowing it. he's so level-headed and well-mannered, you'd never have to worry about him creating a mess in the house or making a bad impression at parties or going off the rails in some other way. like, he's so chill and stable and handles his emotions well and wouldn't hide things from you or feel the urge to leave without telling you where he's going or literally anything like that. I feel like you two would be those two peas in a pod where your friends might call you boring but you call each other safe, my rock, my home :):):) im about to blush literally. ALSO ALSO I think youre both kinda extremely hot and would really be like a dark horse power couple at parties. he would be serious arm candy to show off that would really stoke your ego and I think like, because he's so chill and mature and settled and communicative about things, you wouldn't have to feel anxiety about what he's gonna do next, and that would really really help you to just relax and enjoy yourself in his presence (at parties and like, all the time hahaha :))!! and I know he'd love your steady, kinda cautious outlook on life, too. I bet he'd love meeting someone who's a little more his speed, and who knows, his extroverted, confident self might even have some fun taking you out of your comfort zone a little :):) so what do you say, wanna meet him? like, SOON???

#ask #asks #anon #anonymous #sawamura daichi #haikyuu matchups #haikyuu!!#its that guy #hahahaha I hope you like this it was so hard to think of him but once I thought of him I was like oh yeah. he goes WELL w u imo #long post #omg sorry I get so carried away but I hope u really like <3 :):):)#you sound lovely and deserve the best im sending you hugely great thoughts your way!

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quillwallace-blog · 7 years

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hey there demons, it’s me ya girl and i’m here with another trainwreck for you guys to fuck around with bc i love you. icymi though i’m sam and i also play ben the sourwolf so you can always mssg me here or there if you wanna plot or wtvr! let’s talk about this guy though!

➰ ( NATE BUZOLIC, CISMALE, HE/HIM ) *✧.:°░｡ —- is that QUILL WALLACE ?! you know them, right? they are the 29 year old SHADOWHUNTER !! they’re known for being EXUBERANT & INTREPID - but i’d be careful if i were you because they’re also UNRULY & SCATTERBRAINED.

first off i’m like 99% sure quill is actually a nickname and his real name is smth dumb but i’m not sure yet so i’ll keep you posted

anywayyyy, dude’s a wallace. super old ridiculously wealthy shadowhunter family descended from royalty and all that. he’s the fourth born of the five siblings ( so caelan, leo, and thea are his older siblings and tessa is his younger sibling ) and he was born in london!

lived there with his family til leo y’know...murdered their parents which quill doesn’t know about lmao and then they moved on over to california so here we are!

except not really because caelan and leo sent their troublemaking little brother off to another institute cause they decided he was waaaay too much for them to handle

quill isn’t at all bothered or bitter about it

the above statement is an absolute l i e

( as for the institute though, i don’t have any particular location in mind so consider this me sorta offering him to anyone who’s looking for a wc from another institute besides wilshire honestly just hmu )

so caelan and leo sent him away when he was a teen and he’s pretty much been away ever since tbh. once he completed his shadowhunter training at ~whatever institute~ he probably stayed there for a while then traveled around a lot to other institutes ( he loves to travel!!!! ) and hasn’t really dropped into cali very often because he...doesn’t want to???? he’s not really over his brothers sending him away as a teenager which he sorta took as them forcibly estranging him from the family whoops

so now he’s sorta...just dropping in to say hey i guess except suRPRISE YOU’RE STAYING PUT MY DUDE

i think that’s pretty much it for his backstory atm but i’ll probably update it as i go about plotting and stuff. anyway let’s move onto personality!

so family is super super super important to the wallaces and quill has really complicated feelings about his family ok. being a middle child he often felt overlooked by his parents and desperate for attention & praise. he was expected to do as well as his siblings but then also no one ever really made a big deal out of his accomplishments bc his siblings had already done everything first ( and quill probably convinced himself that they did it all better than him too ). he’s got a soft spot for his sisters but like i said he’s super bitter towards his brothers and tends to bicker with them / be generally snide and rude towards them. at the end of the day the importance of family has been drilled into him so hardcore that he’s loyal to them above all else ofc but like...he also kinda h8s them most of the time at times tbh

he’s extremely intelligent. like jysk we’re talking literal genius level intelligent. he loves science in particular though he’s studied just about anything and everything and probably knows more about it than you do unless you’re cassie skyforth lmAO

that being said he’s definitely one of those eccentric genius types who in spite of his intelligence can seem like a total MORON a lot of the time and imo he iS OKAY.

he’s scatterbrained af like he can recite 100% useless facts to you in seventeen different languages but where’s that pen you let him borrow? where’s his stele? where’s the very important thing you asked him to bring for you? where’s his left shoe? we just don’t know my dudes

shadowhunters are supposed to be graceful and poised and all that but somehow quill manages to be the clumSIEST MOTHERFUCKER ON THE PLANET???? like

*crash* *another loud crash* *police sirens* *screeching cat* *guy from spongebob yelling my leg* *another even louder crash* *someone saying oops*

that’s him

an inside voice???? quill’s never heard of it and quite frankly thinks the concept sounds kinda fake

he’s also really chatty and will absolutely talk your ear off if you let him and probably will still do it even if you don’t let him

also he talks to himself a lot?? usually when he’s thinking at which point he’s probably talking really fast and making no sense unless you’re following along really closely but even then it’s kinda difficult...also he knows a lot of languages and probably switches languages randomly in the middle of talking to himself soy’know there’s also that.

regardless he somehow manages to be charming af. he’s pansexual but meeting and then immediately flirting with pretty girls is a fave hobby of his

loves to party

major sweet tooth

english af and he’s got the super thick accent to prove it

somehow in spite of being a fucking klutz he still manages to be a very good and very skilled shadowhunter. he loves weapons and is proficient in using several more than most shadowhunters probably are. he’s not great at stealth AT ALL or planning but damn if he ain’t really fucking good at killing things

i’m pretty sure this is already way longer than it needs to be so lemme just stop here! i hope you like this trainwreck and if you do feel free to message me here or @mcrdices if you wanna plot! i’m honestly down for anything and everything! if he can fill a connection of yours or wtvr please do lmk! kay that’s enough from me bye friends!

#wilshire:intro #❛ * ｡ · ⁝ if you can hear me just walk away. 「 ooc. 」#this is...probably so much longer than it really needs to be #but #yeah #lmk if you wanna plot!

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xmoonlitxdreamx · 7 years

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long mood dump under the cut.

hey what up, I hate getting serious on the internet because idk I don’t really want to bother anyone or anything but I’ve been really frustrated about something dumb for forever and idk where else to talk about it. Idk how to start this but here we go.

I feel like I have an unusually difficult time actually getting invested in fandom stuff and fictional media in general, and tbh I feel super alone in this…???? I’ve watched/read/played/etc a lot of anime and games and stuff and most of it is ok, but there’s only a super super slim percentage of media I’ve consumed that I actually genuinely care about. Like, here’s probably the whole list of fiction I genuinely love (in no particular order):

*mp100 (probably the most recent thing to my “i like this” list) *gekkan shoujo nozaki kun *ping pong the animation *Koe no Katachi (I haven’t read this in a couple years but I think I still like it) *Doukyuusei/Sotsugyousei/O.B. *Endou-kun no Kansatsu Nikki *Yozora no sumikko de *Negative-kun to Positive-kun *most Ghibli stuff *Rave Master (mostly for nostalgia)

mmmyeah I think that’s it. Even within that list of stuff that I like, I feel like don’t get invested in fiction the same way other people do. Like... I don’t have any drive to do character analyses or have headcanons about the characters.... or think of those characters outside of actually reading/watching/etc the shows/etc they’re from? Even with characters that I think are super well-developed and interesting like Reigen (mp100) and Smile (ppta), I don’t really have any headcanons about who they are and what they do and what their future is like.

I think the thing that kind of ties together all the things that I genuinely like and have made a lasting impression on me is that I can find something about the art or the approach to writing (?) that I like and want to use myself/find inspiring in some way. Like I love the characters in mob psycho 100, but I don’t think it’s specifically Mob or Reigen that I like as characters but that I respect how ONE (the creator) seems like he’s drawing characters he genuinely cares about and that he seems like he actually pulls from his own understanding of emotions when he makes his characters (which I personally find to be rare in anime/manga specifically). As another example, I love GSNK’s humor and I respect Izumi Tsubaki’s ability to consistently write this kind of whacky-fun-but-not-cruel humor because that’s the kind of humor I’d like to have when I do comics. But like… I don’t really care if any of the pairings become official and I don’t really have any strong headcanons about the characters even though I honest to god do like the characters a lot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I do have opinions and things I care about regarding the media I actually genuinely like, but it’s more that I’m interested in the technical approach to things rather than having headcanons about the characters and stuff. I’m not trying to downplay having headcanons and analyses on characters btw, I’m just saying that I honestly… don’t know how to develop those kinds of opinions… and have those kinds of conversations……….. like if you were to talk to me about Endou-kun, I’d probably want to talk about how I liked the mood in a particular scene or how the expressions were drawn in such and such panel rather than if I think Endou and Tsuda get married or break up or smth.

Aside from stuff the stuff that I super genuinely like (which is basically just that list above, I can’t think of anything else rn) there’s also just a lot of stuff I’ve watched/etc that I think is ok and enjoyable at the time, but isn’t really that notable…. for me………… Things like persona 5 and fire emblem are ok and fun to play, but there’s nothing in particular that I really respect about them and feel inspired (?) by. Tbh most of the stuff I’ve drawn fan art for probably falls under this category. Like, I’ve been drawing a lot of persona 5, but honestly as a game with as much dialogue as it had, I think the writing was a little lacking… that’s not a knock on the game or anything, that’s just something I felt about the story and especially the dialogue while playing the game that made it hard for me to connect with. But then I see people having like tons of headcanons and doing these analyses on the characters and plots, and… IDK! I totally don’t feel it. Like I get what people are saying when I read stuff like that, but I don’t like… feel it. I don’t know how to have those kinds of conversations or to even form those kinds of opinions about fiction. And since I don’t really have headcanons or AUs and things for fandom stuff, I feel like I have to fake it it when I do end up talking about fandom things with people. And even drawing fan art, I feel like I’m kind of faking it sometimes just so I can have some way of relating to people. I do like all of the characters/things I’ve drawn fan art for, but probably not nearly as much as other people in the fandom do.

Basically, I feel like I just have trouble talking about fandom stuff in general, I don’t know how to form opinions on media or have discussions w people about media without feeling like I’m making stuff up and faking it 90% of the time.

Honestly the only thing I actually get genuinely invested in with headcanons/theories/analyses/aus and actively want to have conversations about are my OCs and stuff… but it sucks because obviously no one knows about my OCs like I do so it’s impossible to have the kinds of conversations about “headcanons” or “theories” since they’re just my OCs. And I’m specifically talking about wanting to talk about my OCs with people—I do like when people talk about their OCs because I can tell it’s something that a person can be passionate about (as I am myself), but it’s like the same with fandom stuff… I can’t really talk with or listen to people about their OCs without kind of faking my way through it. Like I think it’s normal not to care about other people’s OCs as much as your own, but I still feel like a jerk if someone’s passionately telling me about their OCs and I’m just not getting it the way they do… which makes talking about OCs with people just kinda uncomfortable for me.

Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m frustrated because to my understanding, one of the main ways for me to make friends and even meet people online is to be involved in fandom stuff and watch popular media. But idk, it sucks because I definitely am not enjoying it (or even comprehending it?) at the same level as other people so I just feel kinda stuck. I hate faking my way through stuff but I don’t know how to meet people or talk to people otherwise. And even then, even after consuming media (even stuff that I genuinely care about) it’s not like I can comfortably talk to people about fandom stuff because I don’t know how to have headcanons and opinions on characters and things unless they’re my OCs.

Idk I just wished it was easier to like things so I could have more people to talk to. Or that there was just more stuff out there that I liked. I feel like I’m just sitting around, consuming all this media that everyone else likes and says all kinds of stuff about, and I’m wanting to be able to talk about it too, but it’s just not…. clicking with me……………. and so I’m left with no way for me to genuinely talk to people about the media I’ve (now pointlessly?) consumed. I’ve known for forever that I’m stupidly picky about fiction but I’m tired of not being able to interact with people just because I literally can’t get invested in things the same way that other people do.

anyway that’s my extremely incoherent talk, hope y’all are doin fine. I feel kinda dumb getting serious over fictional media + socializing but this is something that seriously seriously frustrates me. It’s no one’s fault obviously, but I just feel left out for some reason. you don’t have to comment or try to say anything bc I’m not asking for pity or anything, but if you read this it’d be cool if you left a like or smth. You don’t have to, I just like to know.

#idk probably delete later #i just wanted to get this out #i've been living at home w like very minimal contact w other people the past couple months #since i'm unemployed and can't drive i mean #so obv i've been getting a little drained from not socializing w people #it's still annoying in the real world tho i hate faking that i like stuff just so i can talk to people but i have to do it #because there's like ALMOST NOTHING that i genuinely like. why can't i like things huh.

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wendy-sunbae · 7 years

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Jung Jaehyun | Uni!au

Pairing: jaehyun x reader (you) Summary: just a uni!au with jung jaehyun<3 Notes: hii! So this is my first scenario since a long time, i’ll mainly be doing nct fluff scenarios tho haha hope you enjoy it! I’ll be doing them i the list format, but if you prefer it in a fic format i can work on them for my next ones (please tell me ^^) enjoy!

so like i absolutely love jaehyun that's why i decided to make one first (the next one might be a boyfriend jaehyun even hehe :> )

i was going to write a coffee shop au but there's many out there already so why not a uni au right never outdated ahhahaha

let's go

i can imagine jaehyun being the type to be well known, not like the most popular but still pretty well known by the teachers and the people from his major

he always gets good grades (because he is a hardworking puppy!) and hands in his assigments on time

he’s also never late to class

he enjoys hanging with his friends and laughing and just being happy in general (so cute!! everyone always sees his dimples because he’s always smiling)

grabbing a drink after classes are a must for him, be it an iced tea or americano, or even juice

he enjoys taking walks around the campus when he doesn’t have classes or after lunch

sometimes to find a good place to read his books or just take a walk to clean his mind

he only goes to the library to borrow books or to study for a test, although he also studies at home or at his friends’ places

but yeah, the library is the place for when he needs to study for real because the test is going to be extremely hard and he can’t have distractions (aka johnten’s jokes plus their never ending bad pick up lines)

so one day he has a test on the very next day, a really important one where he needs a good grade to pass the subject

he goes to the library and finds it packed with students studying their brains out

contemplating going home to study or finding a seat somewhere, he decides on the latter or else he won’t get any studying done

so he looks around and at the back of the library he finds a table apparently empty

when he gets near he notices that there are a few open books on it - guess someone was here first

with sagged shoulders he makes an U turn and is ready to go away when you pass by him, taking a seat and flipping the open book’s pages

“sorry, but can i use this table with you?” he asks cautiously, to which you nod and motion for him to use the avaliable space across you

he quietly puts down his things and gets his books, relieved for having found somewhere to study

you’re currently studying for an upcoming test that will happen by the end of the week

you’re used to studying in the library, because at home you get distracted easily with your phone (your idols social media updates and youtube videos!! plus your group chat with ur friends ofc haha)

a coffee cup is a must since you need to review all these notes you took and read a few more books, without falling asleep (you sneak in with ur cup, hiding it with a sweater or smth)

so you both study quietly, enjoying the silence to focus solely on work

that is, until you accidentaly knock down your coffee cup by the table after receiving a phone call and forgetting to silence your phone

“om g im so sorry let me- i’ll- urgh” you end up wetting a few of jaehyun’s papers by the tables, so you try to wipe them and clean it with your sweater

only to tear some of his papers

jaehyun actually wants to cry because my notes!!! my test is tomorrow!!! o m g!!

but he just says that “it’s okay, calm down before the librarian asks us to leave” followed by a light laugh from him and a worried look from you

after everything you calm down and offers to rewrite his notes that you wet, as his scribbling can still be seen thankfully

he accepts the help because he really needs the notes, so while he reads his book you quietly copy the notes

he keeps on stealing glances at you from time to time, worried for having made (although you’re the one who offered) you rewrite his notes

he ends up getting pretty much distracted from his book because wow, you look really studious and hardworking and jaehyun would really like someone like that - like him, problably

and he found you pretty cute too

you hand jaehyun the 7 pages you did and he thanks you followed by a smile, and you apologize to him before excusing yourself and exiting the library, slapping your own face for embarrassing yourself in front of that cute dimple boy

jaehyun checks all the notes you rewrote

“wow she has a very neat and pretty handwritting too”

at the end of the notes you wrote an “i’m so sorry! ‘>< if you ever need help with something you can ask me anytime!” and jaehyun chuckles because you didn’t even write down your name or phone so how would he ask for you

so on the next week, you’re quietly studying by the same table and he sits in front of you, taking his books out from his backpack to study

you look up at him and gasp “omg you are the one i ruined the notes”

jaehyun quietly laughs and says “yeah, that’s me”

“i swear i don’t have coffee with me this time” you say while he sits across you, still laughing

you’re still kind of embarrassed but just continues looking down at your own book and pretending you’re actually reading

why would this handsome boy be sitting with you again if there’s plenty of tables available today, you wonder (unless he wants you to wet his notes again because he liked your handwriting) but pushes the thought aside

jaehyun keeps stealing some glances at you, noticing your hair falling out from behind your ear and getting in the way, how your eyebrows furrow when you don’t understand something from the book, the way you keep playing with your pen on your hand

and when you look up and meet gazes with him, he quickly looks down at his own book, embarrassed for having stared for too long (cute embarassed jaehyun!!!) because you’re too cute

it’s now your time to look at him and notice his bangs falling on his eyes, his cute dimples and pretty fingers

when he looks up tho you’re kind of frozen so you two end up just staring at each other for a while before letting out a muffled laugh

“what’s your name?” jaehyun asks after the laughter subsides

“y/n, and yours?”

“jaehyun!” he says with a smile and you can’t help but look at those adorable dimples of his

you two end up just chatting for like one entire hour and get to know each other’s hobbies, majors, favorite books and things

when the subject of talk ends, jaehyun decides to put his things back inside his backpack

you feel sad knowing that he’s already leaving, since you guys talked and you liked having someone to talk about books (since your friends are more of the “movie over books” types)

but when he gets up and looks at you with a grin, instead of a goodbye you hear him saying “i actually need help with something,” you look at him curiously and he continues “i can’t seem to choose which beverage to buy, so i think i’ll need that help you promised me before”

you feel your cheeks heat up and a grin form itself on your lips as you gather your things and gets up, looking at the cute and handsome boy in front of you

“i think i can help you with that” you say as you both exit the library, heart thumping against your chest as jaehyun smiles at you “just definitely not coffee”

#nct scenarios #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun scenario #jaehyun au #nct scenario #nct #jaehyun #jung jaehyun #mimi #hope you like it!! i accept requests btw ;)

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bwicblog · 7 years

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SA: i have never seen a small troll so happy in my life.

SA: I bought them ice cream.

TT: what flavor TT: if you say smTh like vanilla you are going To a(\/)Tually die

SA: why do you hate vanilla so much?

SA: I bought them what they liked best.

SA: it was butter pecan.

ID: guess what chat, i'm bored and bitchy so someone should give me a reason not to be.

ID: or a reason to be more bitchy. that works too.

DD: i think i would prefer to give you a reason to be less bitchy

DD: and in light of that it might be worth asking what you are feeling bitchy about!

DD: you can think of it as talking about your problems but also lets be real gossip is fun and bitching about yout bitchy feelings is cathartic

ID: pff well at least you're honest about why you're concerned. =:P i'm just bitchy because of some stuff that happened that i'm not about to share on the chat. for fear of the wrong eyes seeing.

ID: so sorry, no gossip!

DD: well thats unfortunate clearly i have no reason to keep talking to you DD: im joking of course i am sorry that bad things happened the fun part of gossip is getting together with friends to trash talk the people you dislike not the nature of the suffering itself DD: in the end it is my overall preference that my friends do not feel shitty DD: and as we have totally established we are at least on the first tier of friendship >:D

ID: you a trash talking pro then there daz? =:P i'll have to remember not to upset you. so you can't drag my good name through the mud.

ID: the first step of a long climb, you gotta be dedicated to this friendship.

DD: well okay to be honest i am not usually the one doing the trash talking unless it is in respect to my mechanical equipment some of which has developed an attitude as a result of the artificial intelligence frames i have installed to assist me with my work but that is more affectionate trashtalking like one might perform when calling their pet cuttlefish fat DD: mostly it is my friend trash talking but when i have issues i have to acknowledge usually it is me messing up like it was earlier with prisma and in those cases i just kind of go be by myself a bit because trash talking is fun but me crying to someone is significantly less so

DD: and of course i am dedicated or well as dedicated as i have reason to be which is to say you are fun to talk to and i can see myself doing so for the forseeable future but i am afraid i am not yet ready to lay down my life for you no matter how much colorful claw varnish you introduce me to

ID: man can you type. or is this a talk to text program. either way you're fast. and wordy.

ID: not saying its bad.

ID: before you get offended.

DD: i type very quickly but i am told i talk very quickly as well it is sometimes a problem but unfortunately i have a hard time telling when it is appropriate to stop because really i want to say all of the things that are relevant and i think theyre all important DD: also i am not offended dont worry you are only saying the truth

ID: and you should trash talk more, it's great.

DD: i dont really have anybody to trash talk though!

DD: except maybe the people on team jaycob

DD: they have awful taste that is quite worthy of trashing

ID: so far i don't think we've seen any of them around.

DD: the problem remains! 😦

DD: to clarify that is a sarcastic smiley i am not actually that torn up over the issue of not having a fight to pick with people and i am afraid i have been coming of as sufficiently ditzy lately that that may be unclear

ID: hahah, well. if it makes you feel better chat rooms are hard to guage that sort of shit.

ID: though some people put /s at the end of sarcastic remarks to indicate sarcasm.

DD: i feel like thats a little bit too on the nose sometimes

ID: also the colorful claw varnish is the best and you're really missing out by not going out and purchasing some that changes color.

DD: but its still probably better than a long paragraph explaining my intentions so i will keep it in mind!

ID: it's hella fun to run under different temperatured water.

ID: just use it when you reallllyyyy don't want someone to get offended.

DD: and oh dear well that is what we are going shopping for later isnt it! DD: there is not very much of anything at all to buy here in such a small town though admittedly the local burgers are delicious and its always more fun to buy that sort of thing in person with friends than just ordering it online for drone delivery

ID: because when they're already het up a long explanation can make it worse.

DD: why would people be offended?

ID: also yeah you probably went to the same burger place as i did with gliese and they had some fantastic burgers.

ID: because it can come off as...

ID: what's the word.

ID: that means you're talking down to a troll because you think they're dumb.

DD: condescending!

ID: that.

DD: and oh dear that makes sense DD: i think that was the issue with my apology explanation earlier as well DD: i was worried that i might be misrepresenting myself and i did not want prisma to think i was acting out of malice but really it came off like i thought he was dumb

DD: that sucks 😦

ID: yeah, it's a slippery slope of being understood and coming off as a prick.

ID: slipperier for you since you're a fish.

DD: !!

DD: what do you mean

ID: ....look, you know how stereotypes work right.

ID: the biggest stereotype for a fish for us lowbloods is that every troll with fins is a jerk.

DD: i have had little experience with socializing with large numbers of people DD: i have had much experience with watching tv

DD: and oh dear

DD: ... i guess i knew that i just didnt really think about it or how it might apply to me

ID: yeahhh. see you're in a position where you can just. not apply things to yourself and be safe doing it.

ID: where us lowerbloods have to be more wary and careful.

ID: better to assume a highblood is gonna mess you up. rather than trust one and get fucked up. y'know?

DD: ... yeah

DD: that makes sense DD: D:

DD: ... do i maybe come off like a person that would mess somebody else up though like generally stereotypes aside

ID: well i mean.

ID: if you were really devoted.

ID: some fish like to play the long con.

DD: the long con??

DD: i mean i understand what you mean i just dont understand why that would be something that you might be concerned about somebody else doing

ID: ...because i like living.

ID: and am also maybe a little paranoid.

DD: hm! DD: i am just asking because i mean yes i understand that i am a seadweller and this means i am sturdier than most lowbloods but also there are other seadwellers fully capable of hurting me too both physically emotionally socially and financially and in fact i have recently narrowly escaped an assassination attempt but i suppose i still do not see that much reason to be consistently concerned about somebody playing a long con on me DD: thought maybe that is why somebody tried to cull me so you may have a point in that respect

ID: hahah why did they try to assassinate you...? =:/

ID: is that what happened to your horns.

DD: yes!

DD: and i suppose it is because i am one of the two chief executives of a very rapidly successful starship tech company and there are some issues with you know brand competition

DD: and resentment because the field thus far has been dominated primarily by long-standing memebers of it an i am fairly young as well as the issue that well

iD: oh. yeah. cut-throat business, they don't like the new fish muscling in on things. i get it. i mean it's shitty but i understand.

DD: one of the other recent entrants into the field of helmstechnology development is qpin and they are uniquely known for their ruthless competitiveness though of course i cant strictly say that they were behind it

DD: though my co-ceo says it was likely them because the queenpin is the head and she has a lot of trouble in terms of competitiveness on account of being a jadeblood

DD: but all of that is politics and i am afraid that i am not particularly great at it and i have no idea who it was

ID: ...also jeesh i guess i should have. expected you to be working on helm shit since you're at the helm station. i'm kinda glad you're not allowed to talk about what you're developing now.

ID: but congrats on not dying.

ID: or becoming too maimed to continue working.

ID: sorry about the horns though.

DD: thank you!!

DD: i appreciate your celebration of my narrow avoidance of death : P

DD: also what is wrong with as you phrased it helm shit?

DD: i will refrain from talking about it if it makes you uncomfortable but i am afraid i dont understand

ID: you're the only person who is apparently willing to chat tonight so i'm glad you survived long enough to chat. =:P

ID: i don't like helm shit. it's like.

ID: the text version of claws on a chalkboard for me.

DD: truly high accolades

SA: nobody asked if they wanted me in the chat :/

DD: and oh my goodness well i will keep that in mind

DD: umm

ID: pris! sorry, i assumed you were napping.

SA: i'm teasing.

DD: i think maybe the assumption was that you were not present on account of earlier hads said-

DD: oh

DD: oops

ID: =:P

ID: 💚

DD: 💜 >:D

DD: do you maybe have anything that you would like to trash talk about because we have recently arrived at the conclusion that it is a worthwhile endeavor but i have nobody to trash talk and hads is being very secretive about the source of his miffedness

ID: yeah pris, give us some trash talk. =:P

SA: oh.

SA: um.

SA: ...

SA: this is. rather hard.

DD: unless of course you would like to join hads in the club of secretiveness which i assume is alternatively titled the club of the subjects of the trash talking being potentially present in the chatroom at a later date?

SA: no, I have no secret salt. I have made most of it known.

ID: yeah pris is a pretty honest guy.

DD: oh in that case what is difficult?

SA: I do not tend to hold on to animosity for extreme periods of time.

SA: It takes energy I do not have.

SA: I would rather reserve it for stopping hadean from getting into a bonus fight after Ashley.

SA: let me think.

ID: =:PPPP

DD: oh dear DD: see that statement there sounds a little bit like salt though maybe perhaps not the sort that is meant to be a source of amusement

ID: i need a post-victory fight tho pris!

SA: i think that it's very stupid that high bloods become very offended when I enter their space.

SA: they can't stand the idea i have as much money as them.

SA: that is sufficiently salty.

DD: also i think i understand that i tend to not hold onto angry feelings for very long but i in general am a lot more inclined to be sad rather than mad

ID: i'll take it! that's some salt. fuck them for getting snooty.

DD: and i appreciate the pun there though i am not sure what you mean DD: i dont find you offensive to be around at all

ID: the stereotypical fish daz.

DD: oh this is about stereotypes again

SA: it must be hard to live life with such a fragile ego that because someone is well-tailored and capable of pulling several thousand out of their wallet in cash, you must threaten them as much as possible to feel powerful again.

ID: do i gotta punch someone for you pris?

SA: you do not need a post victory fight you need a post-victory ice cream and bandaids.

ID: =:PPPP

SA: also dazzle I am regularly somewhat salty at Hadean. it is the spice of our friendship.

DD: yes seconding hads though more in spirit of concern rather than desire to actually punch anybody what i mean is that it sounds like you recently had a bad experience

DD: is that why hads is the saltlick

SA: yes but taht's also because he's salty anyways.

SA: ❤

ID: is salt a spice now.

ID: 💚

DD: <3< ??

ID: what.

SA: i did not recently have one, no. It just happens when I leave the loft. I live in West Haven, which is majority high-bloods.

ID: no. definitely no.

DD: platonic spade i suppose but i cannot find it in blue

DD: or purple or green

SA: oh no. It's not like that at all.

SA: I thought salt was a spice... is something only a spice if it grows?

ID: idk.

ID: daz is salt a spice.

DD: i am going to say yes though mostly out of convenience for the sake of making puns and less because i actually know

SA: oh.

SA: well that's as good of an answer as any.

DD: although on the topic of growing i can at least say acid is often used to spice food underwater so

DD: there is at least that

SA: that sounds like. hell.

SA: but i suppose i won't judge i eat scorpions.

ID: ...how does. acid food taste...?

ID: does acid impart a flavor?

SA: is it citrus-y, dazzle

DD: that depends on the acid you use i suppose sometimes it is bitter and other times it is more sour and unfortunately i cannot tell you if it is citrusy on account of i have never had a citrus fruit though it does not taste much like orange candies if that helps

DD: also it is often used to cook food not just season it

ID: huh.

ID: weird.

SA: you should try an orange sometime. they are wonderful

DD: more weird than eating scorpions?? :{

DD: and apparently also squirrels

ID: i like berries the best out of fruit. but they're usually more expensive.

SA: I do not eat rodents.

ID: since they spoil quicker.

ID: i eat squirrels. =:P

SA: horrid.

ID: any port in a storm pris.

DD: i will have to try both oranges and berries in that case maybe even a smoothie consisting of both 😄

SA: do not do that.

SA: Orange is a very particular flavor.

DD: i am taking this landdweller food thing step by step

DD: oh

DD: interesting

SA: citrus pairs well with other citrus.

ID: try orange juice.

ID: that's easy to find.

SA: lemon and lime, for example. Or Mango and orange.

SA: yes.

SA: orange juice.

ID: mango is a citrus? =:????

SA: ,...I always thought it was.

SA: "While both citrus and tropical fruits are grown in warm climates, citrus fruits refer specifically to the genus of flowering fruits in the Rutaceae family, which include oranges, grapefruits and lemons as well as certain other species and hybrids such as the pomelo, key lime and citron. Mango is not a citrus"

SA: now I'm mad at Hadean for telling me mango is not a citrus.

DD: i think i will just buy a pile of fruit

DD: and see which ones i enjoy

SA: and ruining sweeps of disbelief.

ID: ...i mean. mangos are too sweet for a citrus.

ID: was my logic.

SA: are... are oranges not sweet to you.

ID: not as sweet as a mango!

ID: oranges have that citrus taste!

SA: make sure you learn how to prepare them, Dazzle.

DD: you mean you cant eat them raw??

ID: yeah but some of them you don't eat the outsides.

ID: like citrus fruits.

DD: maybe i can go to a fruit restaurant

SA: just putting a mango in your mouthi s not the most brilliant idea.

ID: but you can eat the outside of a mango can't you?

SA: no.

SA: you also can't eat the outside of a banana.

SA: or.

SA: You can but it will make you very sad.

SA: I learned this the hard way.

SA: It was unfortunate.

ID: 'Answer: Although the pit of a mango isn't considered edible, some people do eat the mango skin. The skin is bitter-tasting, but the peel contains several healthful chemical compounds, including powerful antioxidants mangiferin, norathyriol, and resveratrol.'

ID: i have no idea what any of those words mean.

SA: so the short version is it will make you sad.

SA: healthy.

SA :but sad.

DD: i need to be healthier i think but i do not want to be more sad

DD: but maybe the health will be making up for it because honestly most of my sadness as of late has come from my health

SA: are you of poor constitution?

ID: i'll be honest and admit i've never eaten a mango. so i was guessing on eating the skin.

DD: not usually!!!

DD: i am just

ID; adjusting to being on land?

DD: not used to living on the land and everything is very dry and my gills hurt a lot and everything tastes weird so i am also hungry all the time

DD: and also everything is very hot

SA: you would probably be happier in a bay area.

SA: why they let you move to a desert

SA: Is beyond me.

ID: because of the station pris.

SA: yes, but... why put it there.

ID: close to a lowblood settlement.

DD: because it is a remote location where i am unlikely to be found again by the person who previously attempted to assassinate me and also because there is a psionic training station that is located in the area on account of it being a lowblood locale with a high psionic concentration

SA: oh so abducting.

DD: and that is very useful for my research

ID: easy to lure them away from a shitty town to be experimented on.

DD: i mean i am

DD: unsure i would phrase it that way

DD: ... the luring not the town thing the town is pretty shitty

ID: good thing i did it for you.

DD: oh dear

ID: you're poor and life sucks and maybe your lusus is dead and you're scared.

ID: some highblood offering you candy if you come to his station sounds pretty good.

DD: actually i believe most of the recruiting is done through online means

SA: a more polite way of saying it would be that it is often easier to accept being an pet and know you are cared for than it is to be free and struggle.

ID: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my point remains.

DD: and the payment tends to be in caegars and i know that is not what you mean i simply think you maybe are not representing it very accurately

ID: it's still sucky to do.

ID: most of those trolls have to choose between that and death.

DD: i mean it is also kind of sucky to work public service at a cafe but

ID: ...i mean a cafe doesn't screw things in to you.

SA: being a living experiment and test subject is very different from being subject to a screaming indigo about how their latte was not enough foam.

ID: you can leave a shitty cafe job.

SA: ...do they foam lattes...

SA: I dont know.

SA: I have the all the time, and I have never thought about it.

ID: and you're probably less likely to die in a cafe job.

ID: or fry your psi.

ID: and probably get culled for that.

DD: well i mean first of all the only test subjects are the two cerulean trolls i believe and also the people that volunteer to help me out but that part is not mandatory the main purpose of this station is to prepare trolls that have been conscripted for helmservice for an easier transition upon ascension and also accept anybody that would like to volunteer for the service without conscription not

DD: testing things really

ID: yeah well i bet if you asked a lot of wrigglers why they volunteered.

ID: you'd get a lot of 'i didn't have any other option' answers.

DD: hm

DD: i guess i do not know

SA: does it not

SA; unsettle you.

ID: you sure don't! but the first step is realizing you don't know.

SA: that our ships are using an archiac biotechnical method of power when we could built a technical system or a disocnnecting system for them.

SA: My pilot training used my inhibitor to join and disconnect me from a ship without hurting me in the slightest.

SA: and yet this isn't the norm.

ID: man you also hear those stories about them chopping a helms' fronds off.

ID: since they don't need them for anything.

DD: well as a starship technician i kind of have to argue your useage of the word archaic because the biotech we have developed is currently eons ahead of our purely mechanical methods of transportation which are heavily limited by both fuel systems and speed and also i am not sure that you are hearing accurate stories about limb removal that is definitely not a standard practice and would probably be actively detrimental to the process and helmsman adjustment and biowire integration DD: as would be constantly placing the pilot into painful situations upon connect and reconnect though maybe that may be the case withoutdated systems??? DD: the point of helmsman system design is to ensure a fluid and efficient connection

ID: ...huh.

ID: i mean tbh i never really paid attention to schoolfeeding about helms since. you gotta figure that stuff is just propaganda to make you think it's great.

DD: a decent amount of it probably is but that is the case with all fleet propaganda!! which is not necessarily a bad thing to be honest if you ask me personally because focusing on the negative aspects of a situation is never going to motivate anybody when you think about it regardless of what the job it

ID: i mean the ratio of cons to pros of some jobs are a lot easier to swallow than others. =:P

DD: that is very true DD: i would not want to be a garbage person i am not ashamed to admit this

ID: and i like walking.

DD: or a fighter like sipara i am fairly sturdy but i do not like being attacked

ID: if you could not tell by my adventurer lifestyle.

ID: and you can say that i can explore wayyyy more stuff in a ship but i'm pretty sure it is soooo not the same.

DD: haha yes that is true i suppose i do not consider it much considering i am both very fond of swimming over walking and also my experience on starships as a nonpsionic troll involves not very much walking anyways

DD: partially because i am stuck in my coon trying to adjust to orbit but also primarily because there is also not much room to walk

ID: ...i guess since i've already dived in to this ball of squick i might as well ask since you'd know best.

ID: does like. your kind of psi make you better or worse or not usable for a helm?

DD: yes very much so!

DD: there is a psionic ranking system of course in terms of the amount of raw power available but also the type of psionics make a difference for example cerulean psychics and indigos are not functional for ship powering at all and varieties among lowbloods that exhibit nonphysical properties such as clairvoyance are typically not high enough on the actual kinetic energy production to be able to power a ship with any efficiency as conversion to a useable power source is often very inefficient and also takes up energy in the process which rather defeats the point

DD: for example telekinetic type psionics tend to be the most effective for helming while more psychically oriented powers are not

SA: sometimes hybridization allows multifaceted psionics but it's also very rare in natural occurance.

SA: i can pilot a starfighter with my telekinesis as long as the ship and my inhibitor are programmed to allow the link through.

Sa: But an entire ship wuld be beyond me.

SA; and for the most part starfighters rely on a psion's ability to generate shields and manipulate other variables for a quicker reactions time, but not flight itself.

DD: there are also augments that assist with that!

ID: hahahah okay can this be enough helms talk now.

ID: i've exceeded my comfort zone.

DD: that is part of what the psionic training facility that i am part of helps with-

DD: oh dear my apologies

DD: i will stop!

SA: 😃

ID: i mean i asked so it's fine.

ID: just. new convo now plzkthx.

ID: ...i mean i should volunteer a new subject huh.

ID: pris did you have dinner?

ID: both of you for that matter.

ID: miss hungry because i don't eat.

SA: ...

SA: maybe.

ID: =>:I the ice cream you had earlier isn't dinner btw.

SA: i had a fruit salad.

DD: dinner??

DD: ...

DD: oh dear

DD: i am afraid i lost track of time

DD: i was going to say i did have dinner but that feels as though it was a long time ago and it occurs to me that that may have been dinner yesternight and it is possible that part of my discomfort with my health is because i am actually very hungry

ID: i'm gonna make you both set alarms to eat. =>:(

ID: a fruit salad and ice cream isn't enough for a night pris.

SA: mrmrm.

SA: I'll be back in a bit.

ID: if you get lonely while eating call sips' mobile and i'll steal it to vid chat. =:P

SA: well I may as well call it now then.

SA: i am.

SA: go find it.

ID: woofbesat, fetch. i see how it is. =:PPP

DD: i unfortunately tend to not notice my alarms it has been somewhat detrimental my friend used to ahve somebody come pull me away from my work and i thought it was sillybut now i am realizing it was probably very necessary

ID: get one of those bracelets that vibrate as an alarm.

ID: they might work better.

DD: but also that is my cue to go find food before i keel over and die so goodbye it was lovely talking to you and also that is a good idea i should find one of those

ID: ...damnit now the chat is empty again. =>:(

VC: Not quite.

VC: I'm taking a rrest on a courrierr trip, what's everryone else up to?

ID: uh i sent all the hungry skeletons off to eat because they all forget or think that a fruit salad is a meal.

ID: so they're doing that. and i'm just sitting here twiddling ym thumbs and watching pris eat on vid-chat on another mobile.

ID: ....is it rude to text someone while watching another troll in a vid chat.

SA: i'm talking.

SA: asshole.

SA: that. that wasn't serious

VC: Oh, I don't think I've met you before, SA.

SA: Hello.

SA: I am prisma.

ID: =:P i can multitask pris!

VC: I'm Cennef. And you and Hadean apparently know each other well, I take it?

ID: yeah we're buds.

ID: pris is cool, so be nice to him. =:P

SA: cennef. it's nice to meet you.

VC: He's yellow, what reason do I have to _not_ be civil?

VC: It's not like he's one of this room's silly highbloods.

VC: You seem well-mannerrred, so I agrree in turrn.

ID: he can speak kinda highblood-y sometimes but it was just how he was raised so don't pick on him. =:P

VC: Mannerrs and phrrassing of some things isn't an exclusive highblood trrait. I harrdly would.

VC: Pherrres talks like he's trrrying to sound cerrulean sometimes and that doesn't botherr me.

ID: i mean glad you understand that. some lowbloods get so offended when you use a 'highblood' term!

ID: like saying tub is gonna turn you blue.

VC: Ha. I may not carre forr highbloods, but - oh _rreally_

VC: Using theirr language isn't exactly a sin.

VC: That's rridiculous.

ID: you've never met a lowblood who got all snooty with you over it?

ID: the 'uhm, did you mean ABLUTION TRAP?' types?

VC: I suppose I have now that I think of it, but they arren't exactly trrolls I spent a lot of time arround.

VC: My ex quads werren't like that at all, norr arre any of my currrent frriends.

ID: wise move. there's having a grudge against highbloods and then there's overcull.

VC: I rreally only have a grrrudge against _one_ highblood, but I do lack fondness forr them in generral.

SA: i overcull teal bloods.

VC: Though perrhaps it might be prrrudent to stop talking about it in case any of them do come in.

SA: they have always patronized me.

SA: 😉

VC: Pfft, what

VC: I know you'rre joking, but I don't rreally get it

ID: hahah, it's a chat thing. we joke that teals are the worst because they're in the middle so they lash out more.

VC: Ohhhh

VC: To be honest, I have only met one tealblood outside of deliverries, which don't rreally count.

VC: He was...verrry odd.

ID: that's a tealblood for you.

VC: Well, he wasn't a lawtroll orr anything. He was some sorrt of perrforrmer.

ID: ...huh. was it the dumpster troll.

ID: ...do you know what i'm talking about. probably not.

VC: ...he cerrtainly _belonged_ in a dumpsterr but otherrwise no, I do not.

VC: Mine talked like some sorrt of flowerrry idiot and called himself barrd.

VC: Is that what this dumpsterr trroll did.

ID: yes!

VC: Oh my god.

SA: why is there a known dumpster dweller.

ID: he got ceruleans mad about historical bulge piercings.

SA; what dessert should I get?

VC: _Oh my god._

ID: and they threw him in a dumpster.

ID: ...the fluffy one.

VC: For once. I am on the bluebloods' side.

VC: _What is wrong with him._

VC: Correction.

VC: How many things arrre wrrong with him.

ID: and then he started dueling them in the dumpster.

VC: Though I'd probably be -

VC: _Highbloods._

ID: until someone came and rescued his hide.

ID: it was hilarious.

VC: That's completely rrridiculous.

ID: it was. but that made it hilarious.

ID: so what are you delivering...?

VC: Sorry, I was getting back on the road. I have my phone on talk-to-text now. It's some sorrrt of book collection for this olive.

ID: you're fine. how are you traveling? and that sounds. boring.

VC: Haha, I have no clue. They could be about stunning adventurrres, for all I know. I don't usually get told the details of what I deliverrr, unless they'rre imporrtant forr trransit.

VC: I rrride my lusus.

VC: She's not exactly a hoofbeast orr anything, but she can go at a decent pace with a trroll as small as I am.

ID: heyy a troll after my own pumper. though my lusus is a variety of hoofbeast.

VC: Ohh, what kind?

ID: antelope kind. but one of the big ones. he can carry me and my stuff no problem. and we have similar rocking racks.

VC: Pfft. Do you now.

VC: I have decently sized horns myself.

ID: about time. like this chat is mostly nubhorn central.

VC: I can prrrove I am not nubhorned.

VC: Ignorre the goofy exprression, this is just what I had on frrond. Also unforrrtunately I should pay attention to the terrrain now, it's getting rrough.

ID: huh. sorry i've not got an image right on hand to share. and i'm not in the prettiest shape for selfies, so you'll just have to take me at my word. =:P

VC: Haha

VC: Well I fully expect one laterrr

VC: But underrstandable - ow

VC: I rreally _should_ stop talking, dammit

ID: your lusus bad at navigating?

SA: the fluffy one

SA: that didn't tell me anything...

ID: point the camera at the menu for me.

SA: there...

ID: uhhh. the lemon tart thingy. since you said you like citrus.

SA: okay.

SA: delicious...

ID: you're welcome. =:P

#c:cennef #c:dazzle #c:hadean #c:prisma

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inadeepanddarkdecember · 7 years

Text

[[ this is kinda rambly and piecemeal and out of order since its an edited convo off of discord from before cy’s heart got replaced, but i decided i wanted this Extra Large thalassemia infodump on my blog. go read this primer first for basic info on thal; cyrus’s form is beta thalassemia major. ]]

even with a perfectly healthy and functional heart, cy'd still have a too fast pulse and likely have arrhythmias; that comes with the territory of his anemia, and he could still develop heart failure again later in life. the problem with cy's current heart is that its been scarred to shit by the extra iron in his body from his blood transfusions and hes developed cardiomyopathy as a result, which at this point is virtually guaranteed to kill him before he turns 30, even if he takes perfect care of himself and never develops any other complications from his thalassemia ever (which aint fuckin likely). this failing heart just deals worse with arrhythmias he already has, especially under stress, and already struggles to keep up enough blood pressure.

bone marrow transplants are currently the closest thing to a cure for thalassemia we have and hellll no he has not had that done i doubt hes even on a waiting list. with his shit in the state hes in, its questionable if he'd even survive the process its pretty intense, nevermind the finances and healing and finding a match and even so much as qualifying to have it done.

cyrus goes in for a blood transfusion every three weeks. when transfusion dates get close, within a few days, hes more tired; he doesnt go out; he can be moodier; he can get headaches and dizzy spells. he feels best after a transfusion, then its just a slow decline till the date rolls around again. i tend to rp him within a week or two of being transfused most of the time simply bc its easier to get him out there interacting with people.

sometimes they coincide with transfusion dates, sometimes they don't, but he has longer appointments to check up on his other bodily functions every so often. theres general stuff, looking at his counts, then more specialized appointments to keep an eye specifically on his heart or check up on his liver and other organs as needed.

thalassemia by itself kills a person through not having enough blood to get oxygen around the body; this is solved through blood transfusions. chronic anemia means chronic transfusions. which would be fine! except chronic transfusions cause a build-up of iron in the body, and that shit is toxic and where the more fatal complications tend to stem from for thalassemia patients. also, being anemic means your body thinks it needs iron, so it's prone to absorb more from food than the average person, an added bonus. consequently, there are certain foods cyrus avoids. legumes, dark leafy greens, etc. look up any list of iron-rich foods, and thats a list of shit cyrus ought to be avoiding or indulging rarely. (funnily enough, these lists also are often advertised towards anemic people because those who arent transfused have the opposite problem.) part of his tea drinking habit is because tea inhibits iron absorption, along with he just likes it. coffee works too and he doesnt object to it, but he prefers tea.

another consequence of chronic transfusions is that you end up with a lot of old shitty dead blood cells in your system, and your spleen is left to clean it up. unfortunately, when faced with that much to clean, it can enlarge (splenomegaly) and become overactive (hypersplenism). so it starts removing healthy blood cells too quickly and too early, which can cause the anemic patient to need more blood when being transfused, which risks more iron, and not to mention its generally uncomfortable for the patient with the enlarged spleen. in short, this happened to cyrus, so his spleen has been removed. spleens, however, also play an important role in the immune system, so he was already kinda vulnerable as an anemic, but having no spleen makes him doubly at risk of infections. he takes antibiotics as part of his daily pharmaceutical regime.

during cold and flu season, docs tend to strongly suggest he wear surgical masks during school and whenever hes around a lot of people in public places, but he almost never does. he doesnt like the attention it gets him esp in school, but sometimes he'll do it when hes on public transit or anything. he does carry hand sanitizer with him a lot of the time tho

bc his immune system is fragile, he often goes in-patient for what would be minor sicknesses for us, esp if theres a fever. he tends to be hit hard by them, and being sick can make his counts plummet as his body tries to fight off the disease.

coming back around to iron related bullshit, iron overload is treated by iron chelation, for which there are mainly two medicines, deferoxamine and deferasirox, and cyrus uses the latter because i have never been able to find out enough goddamn information about deferoxamine. deferoxamine is the more common and cheaper of the two medicines; its injected subcutaneously over the course of 8-12 hours and has its own list of side effects and the process itself tends to be kinda painful from the accounts ive read. its done at home, often while the patient sleeps bc... well, when else are you gonna get a child to sit still for 8-12 hours. its definitely the one cyrus was on for a while, when he was younger. bc ive had a hellish time finding info on the pump used for deferoxamine and more about that medicine generally, cy’s currently on deferasirox. slightly different side effects, but otherwise does the same job in pill form.

thalassemia patients who've been cared for properly should be healthier than cyrus is. most patients his age havent had a heart attack already and arent dealing with heart failure, not yet. his parents have always struggled financially to keep up with his medical bills, but there was a time when he was still young that they still thought they could manage if they just worked hard enough. they were too proud to accept help, and he suffered for it. they eventually gave in but even then still struggled to keep up. sometimes a sudden unexpected change in insurance policy would fuck em for a while finanacially. so sometimes they'd not fill a perscription for a while or wait longer than they should to take him in-patient, hoping he might just tough out a cold or smth. sometimes he'd manage to do that and have abysmal blood counts next time he went in, and a couple of times he got so sick he was legit on death's doorstep by the time he got to the hospital and needed way longer to recover. sometimes cyrus would be too fussy about the deferoxamine and they didnt have the energy that night to force him to accept it or he'd turn off the machine himself after they left. not too often, he was pretty good about just accepting it and did most of the time, but it def happened more than a few times. and if it had already been activated, they couldnt reuse it and had to throw the dose out, in which case that was it he skips it no replacement they cant afford it not in the budget.

and because the effects of iron overload are long-term ones for the most part, it was easy to be like "ehh he seems fine for now". like, they knew the risks, but it was hard to see them as anything but so far in the distance as to be irrelevant. cyrus himself isnt great about the whole self-care thing either; his depression has helped nothing. he's been known to just flush or toss pills in a small spiteful act of rebellion, all his parents care about is that hes still alive and their money, and medicine's expensive, so wouldnt it just piss em off to throw it all away. he'll eat foods he shouldnt for similar reasons, along with just the pleasure of it. and sometimes he hits the sort of suicidal low where he just.... doesnt see the point. each dose he takes is a choice to keep living, and sometimes that choice isnt one he wants to make.

no one quite realized how bad he was tho till his first heart attack. he was so young; the docs dont rly know when hes skipping, so they werent watching too closely for the effects of it. and the damage his body took over time was amplified by his frequent stress. the heart and liver are the ones most affected by iron overload; his liver is somewhat damaged too, but thats not too bad yet, not as bad as his heart.

other little thal things: hormone levels can get super fucked. cy's puberty was a bit delayed, and his testosterone levels remain kinda low compared to average, so hes not as hairy as his genetics might otherwise dictate. he will never be able to grow a proper beard; it'll always be way too patchy and uneven. and despite what his touch aversion and other factors like stress and said low testosterone might lead you to believe, hes got a pretty strong sex drive, though he suppresses the hell out of it.

he was homeschooled for his first few years of elementary bc health concerns, but that couldnt be sustained bc of cost. so he rejoined public school since then. i wouldnt be surprised if his peers used his puberty delays against him, but i'd expect they were making fun of him less bc he was a late bloomer and more at his general girlishness, esp since this would also be around the time he was growing out his hair.

he has had people do the "lookit me ive befriended the sad disabled kid arent i good <3" schtick (which esp pisses him off bc its similar to shit melinda pulls) and hes met the people who try to be nice to him for three days then turn a 180 on him when he doesnt immediately cheer up and get all buddy buddy with them. and hence he now treats kindness from strangers with extreme skepticism, suspicion, and aggression. (thomas also feeds into this but ye) it scares off plenty of legitimately nice people who he could have befriended, buuut.

Oh, a couple Fun Facts I forgot to mention. bc anemia, he bruises easy and injuries generally take longer than normal to heal. And in part bc depression and in part bc meds are prone to fucking with his appetite, either killing it entirely or just making him nauseated, he tends to not eat enough and is kind of underweight. Melinda put him in charge of dinner most nights as part of a genuine good faith effort to ensure he's getting at least one good meal and get him home when he's supposed to be.

#meta #fun fact #medical #there are so many little ways his disorder has shaped his life #even if they dont appear too obviously when im writing him in actual threads #suicide mention #thalassemia

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