#and the thing is i am in so much pain. and i have no energy. or like will to live at all.

[prince-liest]

The more comfortable I get with the inpatient workflow (knowing how to order things, how certain things work and are done, how to navigate the EMR, etc), the more happy I am to realize that inpatient rotations aren't actually all that bad in terms of the work of them. They suck specifically because they are exhausting 12-13 hour days, 6 days a week and you simply do not get to have a life while you're on this rotation but while I'm at the hospital, it's pretty much fine.

I wish I had the time and energy to work out and also not eat two out of my three meals every day of hospital food, and more time to rest, but I'm also relieved that I definitely do not actively dread or fear going to work every day like I was worried I might. Like, it sucks, but it's not active misery, yfm? My spirits are high. Definitely not super tenable, though.

Also, I have ED next and honestly fuck the emergency department. So glad there are people out there that enjoy emergency medicine, but I am simply not ADHD enough for that shit. I didn't have any bad shifts on my first ED rotation but I still disliked the whole workflow and baseline stress levels.

Anyway, things that did stress me out this week (CW dire hospital shit):

lady who kept threatening to leave the hospital against medical advice because she hated being there that much, even though she had an infection for which she needed an IV-only antibiotic or else she would almost certainly die. everything kept going wrong. she could go home with a central or midline cath; her line was peripheral; picc team couldn't put in a picc line because of her surgical history, so we had to go to interventional radiology and put in a Hickman line; we found this out on Friday and so she wasn't scheduled until Monday; on Monday she almost got moved to the next day because there was an emergency bleed during her time that IR was needed for and she said if we didn't get her scheduled in 45 minutes she was leaving the hospital. ended up discharging her at like 6pm on Monday and I ended up crying at work on Friday (the 13th! yay,,) in the resident library which surprised even me but apparently I'm not immune to "so WHAT if I die?? what do I have to live for? cancer and pain?" after three days of doing my best to juggle "doctor" with "therapist" every time I saw her. she likes me a lot which I think means I did a decent job but that really ran out my emotional energy.

the dude whose nurse called me three times in 45 minutes while I was trying to juggle discharging the above lady and doing my first admit. he was throwing things at the walls in his room because he wanted a cough drop and simply could NOT wait. what the fuck ever.

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens

[goldkirk]

.

[selenealwayscries]

Day 4: Iconic look (FUCKIM MAIDAPH............)

every day I am plagued by the knowledge of maidaphs existence . why is it official merch what is wrong with him /zedaph stan

[suncaptor]

yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

[milkweedman]

not gonna lie i am once again getting real sick of having a migraine every second of every day forever

[redhotarsenic]

Many many irl things are happening at the moment that’s why I’ve been gone for so long terribly sorry for that 💀

[alsikeclovers]

👀

[afniel]

Every morning my brain spins a little wheel and picks what's going up be fucked up that day. Usually it's my pain perception or energy level, sometimes it's my mood, sometimes it's my sense of balance and I could do without that, but VERY OCCASIONALLY it will Mad Lib slap together, "TODAY'S BROKEN THING: your (noun:[ability]) (verb:[to sense that]) (object:[you are disabled])," and today is one of those days. I feel fucking good? I slept well? I jogged big sections of the way to lunch because I could? My legs didn't cramp up? I'm in a super good mood?

This happens so rarely that I actually register it as a problem and go through the day thinking, oh no have I finally developed bipolar, is this mania, and it's like, no, dipshit! It's functioning. Of course it feels good and you feel good about it. There's nothing wrong with having nothing wrong with me for a moment. You really don't understand how disability changes you until you're wondering if your temporary relief is a mental illness...

But enough of that, I'm having a good day and I hope everyone else is too, and if you aren't, I hope you'll have one very soon. 💜 ✌️

[pepprs]

new therapist update. we just had our first session and she is AMAZING in every single way. i feel so fucking lucky

[cornix-the-void-crow]

Welcome to little list of Alastor headcanons that are actually technically projections, in no particular order of importance:

Has the bob because his hair tends to not grow much longer past his shoulders

Triple A battery (Aroace and agender), started as "man by default" but over time presentation slowly leans more and more into something else entirely

Habitually presents himself as having everything under control. He is not. If he wasn't busy convincing himself that he is he would have started asking how in this ever damned hell anyone believes him

Perpetual eyebags (and dark circles around eyes to some extent) that never fully leave and get significantly worse if he does not sleep

Undiagnosed slight astigmatism that causes regular headaches and perpetual squinting

On the topic of headaches, can ignore pain but it will make him easily irritable

He knows really well how easy it is to verbally or physically hurt other people, and irritability lowers his restraint towards not using the most painful insults in his arsenal significantly

Does not handle disrespect towards his work well. Technically it's a form of rejection-sensitive dysphoria but feeling hurt from it just makes him angrier and more likely to fight someone

In some cases the desire to fight people also applies if criticised work wasn't his but his friends'

He also a hypocrite in that regard cause Alastor is (sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally) cruel with his own criticism of others' work

Subconsciously (sometimes consciously) refuses to process a lot of things. Such as actual reasons why he does nice things to people, why he allows certain people to live, certain aspects of his appearance, that somehow to some people every little part of him is possible object of desire

The last one is better not being thought about ever cause if he ever realises it he would disappear for more than 7 years this time

[datastate]

shin would apologize for his bed being a mess even if it’s overall fine, meanwhile keiji’s out here like “hey, let’s uh. keep this in the hallway alright? maybe find a nice, grassy spot to talk this out...” and then when he moves out of the doorway to close his apartment door you’re briefly face-to-face with the fact that he. needs severe help.

[autisticlee]

having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time

[vulpixelates]

good news: did basic self care task and cleaned a tiny bit

bad news: i now feel like my muscles are withering away and have absolutely zero spoons

time to curl up in bed for the rest of the day 😭