#and then after having seen those videos I’d be like Well fuck.! is this intuitive im not listening to my body say no!

[mirrorsmp3]

https://at.tumblr.com/jaggedandweak/intuitive-eating-is-crazy-cuz-thats-just-eating/ejyfgzeyvkgn

yes but without restricting or binging, someone w BED might be full but still force themself to eat everything, and someone with another type of ed might stop eating even if they r still hungry 🙏 but eating intuitively let’s u eat what u want whenever u want and stopping when ur full and satisfied 🔥🔥🔥

i know it’s a useful phrase for people to eat healthily it just seems redundant to me cuz like i am in a place where it’s obvious to me to do… which i guess to point out is kind of almost flexing or rubbing it in .. which isn’t to say that i haven’t had unhealthy eating habits lol i guess what i’m trying to say is that the phrasing seems to me to indicate just eating normally as another dressed up diet which i know is the opposite of the intention. like i know it’s just saying to listen to your body but my immediate response is that i’ve had enough of so called content creators preaching to me about diets and so when they refer to intuitive eating it triggers disdain bc it sounds like another unhealthy complicated thing in a fancy dress.. this doesn’t make sense LOL am sorry i know it’s a good phrase for some ppl but to me it just overcomplicates things

[bootlegfrank]

What’s your favorite thing to cook? Cooking off intuition that’s impressive! and a nice coping mechanism:) you should cook for meeeee I love being cooked for!! Just don’t sneak human meat in the meals (or do it if we’re going for the full authenticity of the Will Hannibal dynamic) you’re right omg I’ve wondered before what people taste like but that probably varies depending where on the body you eat and how you cook it. I wanna know though I read something once that said human flesh tastes like chicken but they ALWAYSSS fucking say that I don’t believe it!!!! IM SCREAMING AT THE DIFFERENCE IN OUR REACTIONS. I was absolutely horrified and you thought it was hot HAHAHAHA AMAZING I’m shocked Will wasn’t more????? Alarmed???? I figured when he found out he would’ve been. He moved on fast LMAOOOO I will be happily awaiting the day you eventually post art:] OMG NO WAY YOU SAW THE TIKTOK BEFORE I SENT IT QKQIWUWJWUSHDHSHDH THIS KEEPS HAPPENING WE KEEP SYNCING UPPPPPP<333333333 AWE YOU WANT MORE TIKTOKS????? REALLY????? I thought I was being annoying I’ll see so much stuff I wanna send like for example I kept getting horses on my fyp and I wanted to show you WKWJWJWJSHDH earlier I was in the shower thinking about you and I remembered this show called Dark Tourist. I won’t even ask if you’ve seen it because there’s no way AKWKSJDHDHD but you shouldddddd that’s another one I’d love to watch with you

FRRRR about the guidelines it’s so frustrating!!!! I wish they would stop and just let you be. You really don’t care what people think it’s <333333 the times people come to be annoying in your inbox and you tell them off it’s so hot hahahaha lord what I’d give to see you beat the fuck out of someone. Yessss you of course get to hear all my noises^.^ “you're so pretty inside and out, every bit of you deserves my attention” SCREAMING that’s such a compliment from you ahhhhhwhwhwjwjwjwjsj Make it hurt huh? I can do that;) I’ll leave the prettiest mark on you. YES US AS VAMPIRES!!!! that one video you reblogged,,, us<3333333333333 me sinking my fangs in and lapping up the blood after hehe omg sorry if I already asked this but what’s your favorite bone???? OH YEAH I vaguely remember one post you made back then about the cadavers. You should draw themmmmmmm AWE YOU HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER!!! I assumed you were an only child omggggg LMAO AT THE ADULTS HEARING YOU SAY THAT. I’m glad classes are going well!! I hope they stay relatively easy^.^ YK THATS FUNNY I was actually gonna say to wear the MCR porn star shirt but I was like idk if that would be awkward for a day one HAHA that’s awesome that you went with it. That whole outfit is!!! So cool literally every outfit you have is the coolest fucking thing ever:]

You knowwwww I’ve held back but you don’t want me to do that. No. You said there’s no need for that. Let’s hope you meant it. You seem to have forgotten that you’re mine. Talking to people is one thing. Being someone’s penpal? No. You’re not anyone’s penpal but mine. Do you understand that? Don’t make me have to remind you again. If you forget I’ll have to find a way to make sure you don’t. You wouldn’t like me when I’m jealous. It’s hard to restrain my dark urges when I’m like that and you wouldn’t want those to be out, now would you? Unless you secretly do, of course;) As sweet as I am, there’s more to me than that. I certainly won’t be sweet when you’re making me jealous like this. No. You need to know to your core that you belong to me. Don’t make me think you’re taking my attention for granted.

Ooo hmm I don't know if I have a favourite thing to thing to cook... Maybe the curry rip-off I usually make, cuz I prepare the chicken separately and it always gets such a beautiful golden skin 🤤 My favourite thing to eat though is salmon tagliatelle with cream sauce, nothing will ever beat that. I'd love to cook for you, what are some foods you like?? Hmm, would you be able to tell if I put human meat in your food? I bet you'd notice from my eager anticipation for you to try it hehe. People say a lot of unusual meats taste like chicken because chicken is a fairly neutral flavour, but historically human has been compared to pork, and in an interview a cannibal likened it to veal. The taste of the meat depends greatly on what food the human has been eating, as for example a diet with a lot of dairy will give the meat more of a sweet taste. Haha yeah I know right Will was just like 'This guy has been aggravating my illness and also kills people and also made me eat them. Huh' like if I was a regular person I wouldn't have been so calm and collected about having been fed human flesh!! Nooo you're not annoying! I'd love to watch any TikToks that you think I should see <3 You're right haha I've never watched Dark Tourist but it looks really cool, morbid curiousity type of deal. I'd love to watch it with you <3

Hehe I get a surprising low amount of people being assholes in my inbox, maybe they just realise I'm not someone they should mess with ;) God I'd love to beat someone up sometime, I had a little drunk play-fight with my housemate some time ago but he had me backed-up against some stairs and in his words 'thought [I] weighed more' so he fully toppled me over haha, I slammed against the wall face-first and broke my glasses clean in two xD I do punch and kick harder than I look like I'm able to though, so I think with a little training in coordination I could be quite the threat ;) I'd love to be covered by marks from you so much darling, all yours <3 Yes yes I was thinking about you as I reblogged that post <3 I don't think I have a favourite bone but I have such a thing for ribs, I love the way they feel under my fingers and the way they look when someone inhales big. Plus, the rib cage houses such pretty organs. Hehe yeah I have a brother 18 months younger than me and we've been through some shit (abuse) together, but considering I have an incest-kink focused blog I generally like to keep my family out of it shfjksd Aww cutie we're so in sync all the time!! The porn star shirt is kind of low-key cuz people don't realise what they're looking at at first hahaha. Thank you baby but most of my outfits are kinda lame haha, especially now that it's 30+ degrees here I just wear oversized black cargo shorts and oversized band t-shirts xD

Urgh fuck the first time I read this ask I had to pause half-way through that last section, my vision was starting to swim a little heh, I think that's one of the hottest things I've read... I'm all yours baby, I won't ever forget it, I'm sorry for slipping, I belong to you, I'll never take your attention for granted, never <3 I'd want to see every part of you, even the dark urges, but I won't provoke you, I'll be good for you, you deserve it for always giving me so much attention <3 I'm yours and you're mine <3

[tired-college-student-writing]

Tim’s Secret Weapon pt. 12

I’ve been slightly obsessed with @ozmav​ ‘s Damian Wayne/Marinette Dupain-Cheng pairing as of late, and just saw a post that has inspired me more than anything else has in months, so I felt the need to write it

Summary- Tim has always seen the numbers floating above people’s heads, been able to perceive their threat levels with a single glance. After being a hero for so long he thought he was desensitized to seeing high numbers above people’s heads until Damian brings a new friend home.

Part 1

Part 11

Part 12(HERE)

Part 13

____________________________________________

Jason had started cackling as soon as Tim explained why he was cross, pulling the ring from his hand and tossing it back to its proper owner. Damian Bruce and Alfred were intrigued by the prospect by the fact Jason was predestined to be a miraculous wielder. Dick, on the other hand, was pouting at Jason being ‘officially more of a cat than him.’

“You’re not a black cat,” Tim snapped, using the door frame to stay upright, glaring at the stark white number over Jason’s head, “He may claim he’s all about destruction but it’s who he was made into not who he is at his core.”

“What?” Jason huffed, “You’re the one that said my number went up to 15! I’m a cat now, I’m leaving the birds to join Selina.”

“No,” He nearly growled in frustration, staggering over to the couch, “Adrian is the real cat here. At his core, he’s sweet and kind and trustworthy, but he also has chaos at his center. He can destroy a person he believes deserves it without a second thought, tarnish a reputation permanently with no remorse if he believed it was the best course of action, manipulate a person into behaving how he wants with precision and grace without anyone realizing that the ray of sunshine would be able to do so. He’s literally destruction. You aren’t like that Jason, not at your core. You’re a true holder, but you aren’t a Black Cat.”

The room was silent as he finally finished and he couldn’t help, but look around at their stunned faces with confusion. Even the Kwamis had frozen from where they had been whispering on the side table, glancing between each other and Tim.

“What?” He snapped, too tired to deal with anything else tonight.

“You’ve only just met Adrian,” Kim drew out, “And just spouted off stuff I never knew about the sunshine boy with such confidence I’m pretty sure you’re not lying.”

“What do you mean? Of course, I know that stuff, can’t you guys tell it too? That’s just what I can tell from observing if I really wanted to know anything important about him I’d have to do research,” He explained with a groan as he leaned against Dick’s shoulder.

Dick just looked down at him in amazement, “No Timmy, most people can’t tell that kind of stuff just from spending a few hours with someone.”

“Huh? You guys never acted like I was crazy before,” He pointed out looking at his brothers.

“I always assumed you researched our targets before we needed the information,” Bruce hummed, “We had meant to ask you how you knew some of the skills you had listed when you had never met the heroes before making the entries in your journal.”

“I mean I did look up some stuff, but isn’t most of that stuff common knowledge?”

Jason snorted, “I didn’t know Bruce spoke Portuguese before reading his journal entry, replacement. I can say with confidence that there’s no video footage of B or Bats speaking or reading Portuguese anywhere or any reason you should know that before I even kicked the bucket.”

“I…” Tim tried to think back, to why he knew this information, where he had put together the man had known so many languages.

“Tim,” Marinette piped up, “What languages does everyone in here speak?”

“French and English.”

His deadpan earned an eye roll from her, “No, I meant past that. Start with your family and then my team, tell me all the languages. Go.”

He was skeptical of what she was trying to do but decided not to question it, “All the bat speak Mandarin, Spanish, Arabic, and BSL. Bruce knows Romanian, Portuguese, Dutch, Cantonese, and Greek. Alfred speaks German, Italian, Japanese, Russian, and Polish. Dick speaks Romani, Romanian, Dutch, and Russian. Jason has Portuguese, Japanese, Korean, Cantonese, and Russian. I can do Japanese, Romanian, German and Polish.

Damian knows Japanese, Korean, Cantonese, and is just short of fluent in Romanian.”

His eyes turned to the Parisian teens, ignoring the surprise at their extensive list of languages, “ Adrian knows Mardiran and Japanese. Chloe knows Japanese. Kim is fluent in Vietnamese and is nearing passable in German. Max knows Korean and Safan. Alix knows Ancient Egyptian and Arabic. Kagami knows Japanese and Mandarin. Viperion knew quite a bit of Italian but wasn’t quite fluent. Marinette knows Italian, is nearly fluent in Arabic and… actually, I’m not sure what the last one is, but it’s ancient, something close to Sino-Tibetan I think?”

Eyes flashed around the room, before settling on Tim.

“Seriously?” Tim groaned, “None of you knew that?”

Jason's eyes flashed to Damien, “Since when do you speak Romanian?”

He scowled, the tips of his ears burning, “It was going to be a surprise for Grayson, I was hoping to be fluent by his birthday…”

Marinette broke in before any of the brothers could make a comment, “Tim, Damien only practiced Romanian when he knew everyone was out of the house. Nor should you know about the Guardian Language.”

“Guardian Language?” He whispered, head too fuzzy for him to process more than that.

She winced a little, “When the role of Guardian was handed over to me, the language of the Guardians was basically downloaded into my head. It allows me to read the Guardian Grimoire and perform the spells within it to heal kwamis, fixing broken miraculous or create potions to allow them different abilities they don’t usually possess. Usually, there’s a lot of training to be able to deal with the new knowledge being shoved into their heads but my gaining of the guardianship was more than a little unorthodox so I had to deal with migraines for about six months after. I had to decode the secrets for myself even with knowing the language.”

“I don’t even know what the Guardian is,” Tim whispered as the truth set it, “I really shouldn’t know this stuff about you guys…”

“Another aspect of your power, no doubt,” Alfred cut in, “Hardly the worst thing in the world for a detective to have intuition-based knowledge of the people he’s looking up, hmm?”

Tim laughed, “Thanks, Alfred.”

The butler merely nodded, “However, I am fairly certain Master Tim hasn’t been truthful about how much sleep he’s gotten this week and a miraculous drain is dangerous even when well-rested, I suggest suspending this discussion until a proper hour?”

Damien gave him an innocuous look, “ You tried to lie to Pennyworth? Are you completely braindead.”

“Panicking over my secret being out means lots of comfort coffee,” He groaned back as he attempted to bury himself in Dick’s side.  

“Go to sleep Replacement,” Jason huffed, as Dick pulled the other man to his feet. Zombie Tim's duty was something they all had plenty of experience in. It wasn’t long before he was stripped of his costume and sweatpants and an oversized tee pulled on over his bike shorts.

Tim barely registered the lights being turned off as he was bundled into bed, half asleep already.

When Tim arose the next morning he was surprised to see it was only 8 am, seven hours after when he remembered his brother’s getting him to bed. Typically, after the kind of crash, he felt last night he needed a solid thirteen hours of sleep and two cups of coffee to feel this alive again. His answer came from the tiny horse resting on the nightstand.

“Kaalki? What are you doing here?”

“Kwami healing,” She offered in an attempt to be nonchalant as she floated up in front of him, “ Tikki is best at it but every Kwami, barring Plagg, can offer some form of rejuvenation to those who need it. My way of healing is to replenish the energy that has been lost in a timely manner. It was the least I could do after causing you so much distress last night.”

Tim frowned and offered a flat hand for her to land on, “Don’t do that, there’s no blame on you or Marinette or anyone else. Accidents happen, and it’s not like there’s an instruction book on miraculous and metas.”

She fidgeted, “I believe you are correct but I still felt bad for causing such harm to befall you.”

Tim just shook his head, “Either way, thank you. I feel amazing right now.”

She smiled, “Perhaps if you hurry you can join your family for breakfast, I heard they were setting out to leave soon.”

He quickly pulled on his clothes and did his morning routine in the ensuite before entering the main room where his family froze in place as they were pulling on coats and shoes.

“What the fuck are you doing up?” Jason hissed, ready to force him back into bed.  

“Kwami magic has its perks,” Tim defended, hands raised in surrender as Kaalki floated next to him, “I feel more awake then I have in years.”

Alfred grinned, “Ah yes, I remember how Duusu would help us relax after battles. Well come along then,

Marinette squinted at him judgingly, trying to figure out how he was allowed out by his family before Kaalki darted from his jacket over to Max’s. Instead, she just huffs and begins leading the entire group of heroes towards her parents’ bakery, Damien quickly falling in step to her left, glaring at Adrian who had fallen into step on her right.

“SO, replacement,” Jason drawled, dropping an arm around the short brother’s shoulders, “I didn’t get to ask last night cause you looked more zombie then me, but if I’m not a cat, what am I?”

“I don’t even know where to start with miraculous,” Tim huffed, pushing the older man away, “Where would I even start with which miraculous to give to you?”

“Well, how about we give you a starting point,” Adrian asked, turning to walk backwards so he could look at them with a twinkling smile, “Miraculous are broken into two categories, indirect and direct. Direct miraculous powers affect the target of the power directly like the Bee’s venom freezing someone, while the Indirect affect the world around the target, like the Horse’s teleportation. The Black Cat and Ladybug fall outside of the groupings as they’re both direct and indirect. Indirect users can’t use Direct miraculous effectively and can even have adverse effects of transforming too long and vice versa. So does Jason feel like a direct or indirect holder.”

“Indirect,” Tim started, finding the words just started flowing as he stared at the 11 swirling about over his brother’s head, “Jason’s cocky and more stubborn than the Blue Boyscout if you get him going, but he’s also loyal to a fault and filled with so much determination I’m not sure whether to be scared or impressed. No matter how angry he is at someone, or how much he thinks they deserve the consequences of their actions he will be there to protect them by any means necessary. He may talk tough and act stupid but he’s unbelievably wise with instincts unparalleled by normal humans when it comes to trust and how to get out of sticky situations. He can and will kill, but only if it’s the only option left to make it out of a situation alive.”

Jason scowled and pulled on the end of his jacket sleeve as he looked away, “Geez, rip me open why don’t you?”

“Hey, you asked,”

Marinette stared at him with a cryptic eye, “No, he’s right I can see it. I think I know what miraculous to give you.”

Tim’s attention fell away from the conversation as Jason tried to pry the newly found information from the young Guardian. Because that was the least of his worries.

Not when his eyes landed on vibrant blue hair, strikingly familiar, attached to a man sitting on the wall around the Seine, strumming his guitar absentmindedly.

“Found you,” Tim said, causing the man in front of him to smile up at him.

“That was quick,” He laughed, the thick gothic steel-colored 13 made his blue eyes take on a silver hue.

“It’s easy to spot such a high number when most don’t reach past six,” He shrugged.

“You and I aren’t very different, you know?” Steely grey 13 offered, looking back to his guitar.

“I think the masks gave that away,” Tim mussed, “I’m Tim.”

“Luka, Luka Couffaine,” Steely Grey 13, Viperion, Luka offered easily, “And I meant past the masks.”

“How do you mean then, Luka?”

The younger man looked up at him and waved a hand at the chair across from him, “How about you take a seat, Uccellino, and we can compare notes on what it’s like to be meta.”

____________________________________________

Taglist: @vixen-uchiha @iggy-of-fans @mewwitch @roseinbloom02 @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @mochinek0 @royalchaoticfangirl @09shell-sea09 @mystery-5-5 @derpingrainbow @aloha-posts-stuff @hauntedfreakdeputyhero @maribat-archive @blue-peach14 @kae690 @zazzlejazzle @vincentvangoose @be-happy-every-day-please @xxmadamjinxx @celestiacq @peculiarlylostdreamer @dani-ari @melicmusicmagic @themcclan @nyctamaximoff @nataladriana9 @drama-queen-supreme @miraculousbelladonna @urbanpineapplefarmer @graduatedmelon @lexysama @hecate-hallow @ki117h3dr4g0n @vinerlover @interobanginyourmom @bluefiredemon @imanerddealwith @tinybrie @clumsy-owl-4178 @shizukiryuu @whogavemeaninternet @schrodingers25 @lunar-wolf-warrior @urbanpineapplefarmer @xxmadamjinxx @crazylittlemunchkin @littleredrobinhoodlum​ @rougemme​ @dur55​ @phantommeow12 @kand-roo​ @silvergold-swirl​ @officiallyathiana​ @completelypeccable​ @redhoodsdoll​ @nataladriana9​ @mariae2900​ @northernbluetongue​ @sturchling​ @thesunanditsangel​ @reyna-avila-ramirez-alreanaldo​ @bobothyross @taoiichii​ @magnitude101999​ @magicalfirebird​ @nataladriana9​ @panda3506​ @aquariusrunes​ @woodland-queer @sayarock121​ @mindfulmagics​ @magic-miraculous​ @my-name-is-michell @naoryllis @slytherinqueen2432 @ilovefluffbutsmutisalsogreat @captainartsypants @nanakeid @legendaryneckjudgestudent @smolplantmum @the-real-ginakid @nyaabinch @elmokingkong @gentlemanoftimetravel @whitennerdiest@imbrium-mare @tired-butterfly @corabeth11 @aestheticnpoetic @amirahevens @sassakitty @letterlust @whats-she-gonna-post-next

[therainroguefanfiction]

🔥 ℝise Ⱥbove I̾t ◈ Chapter 047 [Teamwork]

📑 Table of Contents | ◂Backward

Word Count: 3,352

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

〈“Don’t be scared to say what’s on your mind. Show them all your colors, show your pride. And no matter what they say, know you’re a star.” Mackenzie Ziegler, “Teamwork”〉

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

I stepped inside the classroom, eyes locking with heterochromatic ones. I suppressed a shiver as I approached my desk. To think that I could have been flame fuck’s kid… I could have been Shouto’s sister. Now I feel bad about all those dirty thoughts I had when I first met him. Ugh, what was that dipshit mom of mine thinking? Was he married to Shouto’s mom back then? He had to be… right? That means he cheated on his wife – that doesn’t really surprise me, he seems the type. Did mom know he was married? Did he pay her like he paid off his wife’s family? I groaned, letting my forehead hit my desk.

A hand rested on my shoulder followed by a soft, familiar voice. “How are your injuries?”

“Todoro -” My eye twitched as flame fuck popped into my head. “I’m fine, Shouto. How are you doing?”

His eyes widened a bit at the use of his first name, cheeks dusting a light pink. “I wasn’t injured that badly.”

“Good.”

Shit, it feels awkward as fuck now. Silence settled over us and I briefly wondered if he’s feeling as awkward as I am. Students started to file into the room, swapping stories of their adventures during their internship.

Obnoxious laughter filled the room as Kirishima and Sero loudly chorused, “Holy crap! What the heck, Bakugo?!”

Huh? Katsuki? I can’t see anything but those two idiot’s backs. I stood up, slowly approaching the three boys.

“Stop laughing…” Kat’s voice was strained. “My hair’s gotten used to this and I can’t get it back the right way…”

“Woah,” My eyes widened as I stepped up beside Kiri. Katsuki’s body was shaking and his hair… it’s flatter than Kyouka’s tits! “Uh… new fashion choice, Kat? Actually, it don’t look that bad. You look like… a prep.”

“Did you not hear me?! I’ll kill all of you!”

“I’d like to see you try, pretty boy!” Sero laughed loudly.

“What did you call me?!” With an explosive pop, his flat blonde hair expanded outward, returning to its natural spiky state.

“There it goes!!” The two chorused, clutching their stomachs.

Before he could actually kill them, I threw my arm around his neck and dragged him over to his desk. He elbowed me hard in the gut, which was still fucking sore, before falling onto his chair. I wheezed in pain, “The fuck was that for?”

His vermillion eyes narrowed as they met mine. “You ignored all my damn messages! And then fucking Iida called me telling me you’re alive! What the fuck, tiger?!”

“My phone kinda… broke,” I deadpanned, sitting backward at the desk in front of him. “Well, as it turns out, our bad feelings were right. I put our instincts to the test, you’re welcome.”

He scowled, leaning forward on his desk. “What the fuck happened?”

I rested my arms on the top of the chair and sighed. “The hero and all of her sidekicks were all dead when I arrived at the agency.”

He sucked in a breath, his eyes widening.

“It was the League of Villains. I was actually about to call you and tell you what I found when they appeared. Tried to get away, but that damn warp gate is a pain in my fucking ass.”

“Wait…” Katsuki.exe is processing this information. “The league had you all fucking week?!”

Ojirou, currently the closest person to us, glanced over at us at the sudden exclamation and I sent him a sheepish smile before scowling at Kat. “No one fucking knows, so shut your fatass mouth!”

“You’re a fucking dumbass, you know that?” He growled, smacking his hand on the desk. “I told you not to go!”

I hummed. “I also met my dad.”

“You what?”

“Apparently, he’s a top hero over in Ireland.” I held up a finger and grinned. “But wait, there’s more! I learned some juicy shit about my mom. You won’t fucking believe -” My words paused in my throat when I felt an aura spike across the room. Holy cow, Ochaco’s aura is hella stronger than it was before!

“I’d say that it was very enlightening,” she punched the air a few times. To be honest, I feel relieved that her spirit has changed, gotten stronger. That means she’ll be safer.

“I think she found her fighting spirit,” Tsu commented.

“Yeah, that battle hero must’ve been something else,” Kyouka agreed.

“After one week, she’s like a totally different person.” Kaminari mused.

“‘Different’? Don’t be fooled, Kaminari.” Mineta got a terrified look on his face, his skin pale and eyes wide. “All women are demons at heart. They just hide their true personalities behind pretty faces…” His voice shook and I smirked. Good, that bitch put him in his place. Now let’s hope he fucking stays there.

“What the heck did Mt. Lady do to you? Everyone at my internship loved me, it was actually kinda great! Now, if you wanna talk about the ones who really changed, it was those three,” Kaminari nodded toward Shouto’s desk where he, Zuku, and Iida were gathered.

“Oh yeah! The hero killer!” Sero exclaimed.

“Glad you guys made it back alive,” Kirishima gave them a soft smile. “Seriously!”

Momo nodded. “I worried about you, too.”

“You’re lucky Endeavor showed up and saved you guys,” Sumo’s voice sounds so goddamn condescending, the little fuck.

“So cool~” Toru swooned. “Just what I’d expect from the number two hero!”

I scoffed, narrowing my eyes at the desk beside me. “Bastard didn’t do shit.”

Katsuki’s eye twitched in annoyance. “Don’t fucking tell me… you were there, too?!”

“Huh?” Kaminari’s golden eyes met mine. “You were there, too, Winchester?”

“What?” Sero added. “No way!”

Shouto spoke up, his voice and face blank. “Yeah, that’s right. He saved us.”

“Did you guys hear the news about the hero killer?” Ojirou questioned. “Everyone’s been saying that he’s somehow connected to the League of Villains. Can you imagine how frightening it would’ve been if that creep had been there when they attacked the USJ?”

“They’re not connected,” I responded blankly. “Don’t believe everything you hear.”

Kirishima tilted his head. “How do you know?”

“Uhh… woman’s intuition?”

Katsuki rolled his eyes, “What a dumbass excuse.”

“He’s scary, yeah, but did you see ’em in that weird video?” Kaminari asked. “It’s all over the internet.”

“I didn’t even know there was a video of him,” Ojirou responded in surprise.

“Yeah,” he continued. “Stain’s a pretty evil villain, but like, super tenacious! He’s almost kinda cool, don’t you guys think?”

“Kaminari!” Zuku cried out in disbelief.

“Huh?” the blonde’s gaze slipped to Iida and his expression turned guilty, his hand shooting up to cover his mouth. “Oh, uh… dude…!”

“No, it’s okay. You’re fine.” Iida replied calmly, holding his hand up. I can see the bandages peeking out from the sleeves of his jacket. “It is true that he’s quite a tenacious villain. I understand why people might think he was cool, but instead of helping the world, his beliefs led him to cold-blooded murder. No matter his motives, killing cannot be condoned.”

Kaminari lowered his head, shoulders slumping. I stood up and rested my hand on his head, ruffling his blonde hair.

Iida continued, “To keep anyone else from suffering like me… well,” he held his arm out straight, glasses glinting under the bright lights. “I promise… I will strive to be the perfect hero!”

“Yeah, let’s do it!” Zuku cheered.

I clicked my tongue, moving my arm to rest on Kaminari’s shoulder. “I hate to be that bitch -” Which is a total lie. “I get what you’re tryin’ to say, right, but~ to quote a very creepy but quite brilliant mad scientist: ‘There is no such thing as perfect in this world. That may sound cliche, but it’s the truth. The average person admires perfection and seeks to obtain it, but what’s the point of achieving perfection? There is none. Nothing. Not a single thing. I spit on perfection! If something is perfect, then there is nothing left. There is no room for imagination. No place left for that person to gain additional knowledge or abilities.’”

Sero whistled. “That’s pretty deep.”

Katsuki scoffed. “You can remember that long ass fucking quote you can’t even remember simple math equations. Dumbass.”

“In conclusion!” I met Iida’s eyes and offered him a grin. “Don’t strive to be perfect, strive to be the best hero you can be, Mr. Class Rep~”

He returned the smile, nodding his head. “You’re right. I never thought of it that way.”

Zuku looked between us with worry before sighing in relief when he realized we weren’t gonna butt heads again.

“It’s time for class to begin! Everyone, please take your seats!” Iida ordered loudly.

“He’s back…” Fumi sighed.

“This is your fault for talking about weird stuff,” Kyouka sweatdropped, glaring at Kaminari whose face fell in response.

“Sorry… I’ll keep my mouth shut…”

“Class 1-A will ensure there is peace!”

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

Class 1-A was led to a secluded area away from the school building. It was basically a mini-city, but instead of buildings, there were a bunch of warehouses and a shit-ton of pipes and empty tanks.

“I am here!” Toshi fell from the sky, as he usually does, landing in front of the class. “Hope you’re ready to return to our lessons! Today, it’s hero basic training! Feels like I haven’t seen you in a while. Welcome back! Now then, listen carefully for what’s in store. We’re going to be conducting a little race. Take everything you’ve learned from your internships and apply it to this rescue training.”

“If it’s rescue training,” Iida’s bandaged arm shot up into the air. “Then shouldn’t we be at the USJ instead?”

“Ah! That facility specializes in disasters. As I said earlier, this is a race. So prepare!” Toshi grinned. “You’re about to step into field Gamma! Inside is an area full of factories that form an intricate labyrinth, so good luck finding your way around. You’ll be competing in groups of five. Each person starts from a different location on the outskirts of the model city. I’ll send a distress signal and you do what you must to rescue me! Whoever finds me first, wins! But try to keep the property damage to a bare minimum, please.” He sent a sharp look at Bakugo while pointing his finger directly at him.

Chief didn’t even try to be discreet with that shade.

Katsuki growled, glancing away. “Why are you pointing at me?”

“Alright! First group, to your places!”

Group one consisted of Zuku, Ojirou, Iida, Sero, and Ashido. The rest of us gathered around the large screen to watch the race. Kaminari frowned at the screen, his voice filled with worry. “Iida hasn’t completely recovered yet, right? He should sit this out!”

“Yeah,” Kirishima nodded. “And everyone in this group has really good mobility.”

“I’d say Midoriya’s at a heavy disadvantage against those four,” Momo commented.

“That’s what I think,” Kyouka agreed. “Moving around quickly isn’t exactly one of his strong suits, that’s for sure.”

Momo added, “And whenever he uses his powers, he always gets badly injured.”

I held back my smirk as my eyes met Shouto’s. That’s right, no one knows about how much my lil cinnabon has improved or how he can now use One for All with less drawbacks aside from Iida and Shouto. Man, their surprised faces are gonna be fucking priceless! I glanced at Katsuki’s back. I bet he’s not gonna be too happy, though.

“Who’s your pick?” Kirishima asked, glancing at Kaminari. “I’m betting on Sero!”

“Oh yeah~? Hmm, I’ve got odds on Ojirou.”

“I choose Ashido!” Mineta interjected. “‘Cause she’s got a super athletic body!”

Kat humphed. “I know Deku will be last.”

“Even if he’s still recovering, I think Iida’s got this one,” Ochaco commented, to which Tsu nodded in agreement.

Fumi glanced at me over his shoulder when I moved to stand behind him. “Who do you believe will win, Jen-san?”

“Zuku,” I responded without much thought, only to immediately regret it when Katsuki glared at me.

“Is everyone ready?” Toshi raised his hand, pressing the trigger button. “Begin!”

The five of them took off, using their quirks to propel themselves over obstacles and across pipes. Currently, Sero is in the lead.

“Look at him go!” Kirishima cheered. “In a maze like this, it makes sense to be above everything else!”

“So that means Sero’s at an advantage because he can take to the sky,” Shouji mused, using one of his fake mouths to talk. I wonder if he has a real mouth. That might explain why he always wears that face mask. Hmm~

A flash of green flashed across the screen, instantly grabbing my attention. I grinned proudly, throwing my arms around Fumi’s neck. With him standing at only five-foot-two, I was able to easily rest my chin against the top of his soft, feathery head. Come on, Zuku, show everyone how much you’ve grown!

“Woah! Midoriya?!” Kirishima, Kaminari, and Mineta chorused in disbelief.

“When could he do that?!” Kaminari exclaimed.

“Crazy… those jumps… he looks just like…”

A strong, angry aura rose around Katsuki as he stared at the screen, his hands shaking. I knew he wasn’t gonna take this well… I sighed deeply, turning my gaze back to the screen. Why’s he always gotta get all pissy every time Zuku makes the smallest bit of improvement? Zuku was jumping from pipe to pipe with ease, a strong green aura around his body. He’s doing so… well…

I sweatdropped when his foot slipped off the pipe, sending him flying to the ground. “Zuku, you fucking idiot…”

Fumi chuckled, patting my arm. “He almost took first place. His improvement is impressive.”

“And~ it’s over!” Toshi grinned as the group made it to him one after another. He handed over a sash to the winner, Sero, that said ‘Thanks for saving me’. Is this the fucking Miss USA pageant? “Thanks, hero, and congratulations!”

“Alright!” Sero put the sash on, a proud grin on his face while Ashido stomped her feet in annoyance.

Zuku was lying flat on his face, clearly distraught by his mistake while Iida kneeled beside him, “Uh, Midoriya, you’re okay, right?”

“Young Sero may have come in first, but compared to the start of the year, you all showed me some incredible improvements! Keep working and preparing for your upcoming final exams!”

My body stiffened. F-Final exams?! What? When the fuck are those? What’s on them? Is it a written exam? A fight? Oh Satan, I’m totally gonna fucking fail if it’s a written exam. I mean, I did pretty well on the entrance exam written test, but that’s only because Toshi gave me a crash course before the test! Now that I’ve been here for a while and been in class, there’s no way in hell he’ll help me again.

“Are you nervous?” Fumi questioned.

“What makes you think I’m nervous?” I muttered.

“You’re shaking me like a leaf in an Autumn breeze, Jen-san.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry, Fumi.” I released my grip, sending him a sheepish smile, which he returned with a warm one.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do well. Even if you don’t win the race, there’s no need to fret.”

“The race… right…” Fuck the race, I’m worried about the mother fucking exams!

“Group one, leave the field. You’re up, group two!” Toshi ordered.

Group two consisted of Kaminari, Fumi, Aoyama, Kyouka, and Shouto. Though it was a close one between Shouto and Fumi, Dark Shadow is just too damn powerful and adorable and Fumi ended up winning by half a second.

Group three consisted of Mineta, Katsuki, Sumo, Ochaco, and Shouji. It should be pretty fucking obvious that Kat won. He’s also still pissed off at me, if that glare is anything to go on.

Group four consisted of Kirishima, Toru, Mountain, Momo, and Tsu. Toshi decided to assign me to this group.

As we headed into the city, I threw my arm around Kirishima’s shoulder, earning a curious look. “You wanna try somethin’ with me, Kiri?”

He tilted his head. “What is it?”

“Let’s tie!” I grinned, holding up a finger. “I’ll carry you on my back while I race. Not only will we both win, but it’ll help me work on my strength.”

“I don’t know, Winchester.” He frowned, rubbing his arm. “There’s no way All Might would allow that.”

I clicked my tongue. “He never said it wasn’t allowed, did he? Besides, heroes are meant to work together to save people, right?”

He hummed, cupping his chin. “Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, let’s do it!”

“Cool. Go to your spot. As soon as the race begins, I’ll come nab ya, so be ready.”

“Got it!”

Kiri was sent to the top of an empty, circular tank while I started off on the ground. We ended up being on opposite ends with the rest of our group between us. Damn, I was hoping we’d be closer to each other. I’m gonna have to channel my inner Sanic for this one! I breathed out, squatting down as my blood began to boil within me.

“Are you ready~?” Toshi called. “Begin!”

I quickly turned my body to the left, launching myself into the air and propelling forward with flames beneath my boots. I could just faintly hear the murmurs of surprise from the class, but their words were just an illegible jumble from here. “Kiri!” I landed in front of him and he wasted no time jumping on my back. I pushed off the ground, running along the thick pipe connected to the tank.

“Yaoyorozu is in first place with Tsu close behind,” Kiri informed me, allowing me to focus on my footing.

I grinned, pushing my legs harder. “Not for long!” I jumped from the roof, using fire to propel my body forward. Come on, move faster! Kiri deserves to win! “Hey, Momo!” I yelled when I got close, startling her.

She was using a colorful parasail to fly through the air easily. Her head whipped around in surprise, eyes wide. “Jen, what -”

“Sorry!” My grin widened as I turned my body in mid-air so that my feet were slightly higher than my head. “Kiri, use harden!” I felt his weight increase on my back and I focused my power on my feet, large flames shooting from the bottom of my boots and propelling us forward like a mother fucking rocket. We shot past Momo, barreling straight toward a surprised Toshi.

Oh, wait… how the fuck do I land? My flames died and I reached out for the metal railing surrounding the roof, just barely managing to curl my fingers around it. Kiri lost his grip on me, shooting off my body and rolling across the rooftop. My body jerked backward as I flipped over the railing, my body hitting the roof and my fingers twisting painfully around the metal.

Okay… that could have gone a bit smoother…

Toshi was staring down at me in shock. No no, that’s fine. Don’t check on your students or anything to make sure they ain’t internally bleeding. I know I’m cool, Toshi, but get yo shit together, fam.

Momo landed between us, quickly unstrapping the parasail from her body, face covered with worry. “Are you two okay?”

Kirishima was on the other end of the roof on his stomach. He lifted his head with a grin, “That was… awesome!”

I was on my back, staring up at the azure sky as I lifted my hand to give her a thumbs up. “Totally tubular, yo.”

Momo smiled softly, shaking her head. “I can’t believe the two of you worked together like that.”

I forced myself into a sitting position, uncurling my fingers from the metal. They were throbbing but I don’t think they’re broken. I sent Toshi a grin, “Teamwork makes the dream work.”

Toshi finally snapped out of his shock, clearing his throat. “Congratulations young Jen, young Kirishima!”

Kirishima laughed happily, launching himself at me and wrapping his arms around my neck. I smiled warmly, ruffling his hair.

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

▸ Forward

📜 Read more by checking out my masterlist 📜

[norcumii]

Reblogging from the deleted tumbl, originally posted 10/14/2017, because I think I stand by the reactions. Also, potential fic ideas nibbling. ^_^;

-----

Holy GODS.

So I finished season 10 of Red vs Blue.

Overall? If you haven’t seen it, I strongly recommend it. I mean. DAMN. I want to write like that (Well, ok, not entirely like that, but in the grander scope hells fucking yes like that). This is the power of stories, this is using the mediums to their glorious advantages, this is epic poetry and storytelling all while being absurd and so damn human it’s unbelievable.

(a cut here for HOLY FUCKING SHIT HELLA SPOILERS)

-----

I was blown away by this. Not 100% sold on the bits in Out of Mind and Recovery One – they feel disjointed in a way that doesn’t fit in as smoothly as I’d suspect. That’s something I’m going to have to examine a bit better on a rewatch – but those are minor quibbles. Donut’s callback to Season One was – well, on the one hand, a lovely nod back to their roots, and on the other hand, still as twitch inducing as it was the first time.

The bit where they revealed the Director’s face for the first time though – I gasped and had to pause the video. I think I sat there murmuring ‘oh my gods’ for awhile, because that was just beautiful. It just reaches out, grabs your heart and squeezes because somehow this awful tragedy just became worse (and gods bless the RT folks for having the class and belief in their viewers for confirming it, all without ever saying the actual words).

I have always been awed by Rooster Teeth’s slight of hand. From taking this absurd gag about the teleporter and making that a plot point about confusing the opposite team; the massive time travel shenanigans that makes it seem like the RT folks are just dicking around with all those tropes and absurdities only to find out that it really ties in with everything that’s happened so far only to twist that AGAIN later on with the Meta’s abilities; to – well. Carolina. On the one hand, I’m a little irked with myself that I didn’t spot that. On the other, that is a perfect example of how to write a proper setup. 99% of the necessary details were there the whole time. That 1% could probably be intuited if you’re chasing the proper rabbit. Meantime, that last puzzle piece slots into place when they finally, FINALLY show The Director, and then so much of Carolina’s characterization makes sense, as well as her abilities, and why Church was so insistent about how much she’s been through.

“More than you know” indeed.

“Carolina, you are acting like a child.” The Director’s fuckin’ accent. Those were hints all along. Holy shit it’s all so beautifully structured.

“You can’t trust me” (because no matter what, in the end I am still the product of all that is here and around us).

My gods, The Director is one of the most low-key vile, horrific, monstrous villains I have run across in ages. This is a man who was A-ok torturing his daughter, literally himself (several versions of himself, even!), and 90-95% of the people around him just because he was that desperately, tragically, BROKENLY in love with his wife.

He is not forgiven. He doesn’t learn better. He dies as he lived: alone, and desperately chasing after that one woman.

…Hmm. After a bit of contemplation, I’m glad I didn’t watch this while with Himself, because that would’ve fucked me over proper.

…That…might also explain another reason it got its fangs into me quite so deep. Hm.

ANYway. I know folks are gleeful about some trash son in future episodes, but I finally feel like I can stop to take a breath and examine shit, so it’s going to be back to the first episodes because HOLY GODS do I ever need to watch everything again but now with different context.

Daaaaaaaamn.

Also also, I SERIOUSLY hope Junior shows up again soon, because I’ve been wondering about him since the gods damned temple!

Thanks all for being a grand fellow audience while I’ve caught up on a few more years worth of media. <3

[mininky]

Tainted Souls (Taehyung)

Summary: Vampires were no longer a myth, the world knew that they were very very real. The world wasn’t ready for it, and they really weren’t ready to find out that all those whacky conspiracy theorists finally got something right. A lot of celebrities were, in fact, undead. Including BTS. Touring constantly, always on the move it was painfully difficult to ensure that they received their meals. Until their manager learned of a business that specialized in vampire fine dining.

Pairing: Vampire!Taehyung x Reader

Warnings: Oral sex (female/male receiving), biting, multiple orgasms, swallowing of bodily fluids, no condoms (don’t do that!)

Word count: 6.3K

Series list: Prologue, Jin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook

   "What book are you reading?" You look behind you on the plane to see Taehyung standing up at an awkward angle so he can peer over your shoulder.    "Dracula." You move your sights back to the book in front of you, trying not to smile at the laughter ringing out above you.    "Dracula, really? So, does that make you my Mina?"    "If I was your Mina then I would have gathered a group of men who would have become so completely infatuated with my kind, sincere, and oh-so-innocent character that they would murder you for me. Well, technically for her fiance, but let's be honest they all did it for Mina." You try to go back to reading but close the book when you realize your eyes have been dancing over the same page for the last few minutes. You put your bookmark in and look up again to see Tae giving you a boxy grin.    "Yeah, well I suppose in a sense you are Mina. You could definitely have a bunch of dudes do your bidding."    "Is that so?"    "Yup." You watch Tae whip his head back around and can barely hear Namjoon saying something about 'sit down' over the hum of the engine. Tae, however, stays up anyways. It can't be comfortable, he's having to stand at an obscure angle/crouch in order to avoid banging his head on the overhead. "But I appreciate that you aren't trying to kill the vampire and you aren't really Mina. Besides, cute and innocent gets boring really fast, doesn't it (y/n)?"    You watch Jin's hand clasp around Taehyung's collar and jerk him back into the seat before you can even respond. So instead you have to settle on pulling up your KKT (and paying the outrageous WIFI fee) so you can have the last word. "Why kill the vampire when it's so much more fun to fuck them?" You wait a few moments, praying that Tae also paid for in-flight WIFI before you hear him sputter and cough behind you. Checkmate.    You and Tae have been playing a game of cat and mouse from the moment you met. It's hard not to be drawn to him. He's charismatic, handsome, sweet, and he has this air of unflappable confidence that comes close but never fully crosses the line into arrogance. And you...well you've found your new favorite past time but you never thought about the implications it would bring about later in time. You and Tae flirt back and forth with each other constantly, but you've never crossed the line. Come close, dipped a toe over, sure...but you refuse to be the first one to break. Oh no, Tae will be the one to break.    He's not like the normal fuck boy type, you'll give him that. In fact, he's not even really a fuck boy, he just has the tendencies. He's got this really sweet, sensitive, kind side to him. He's also very intuitive, the type of person to know exactly what you need or want before you ever say it. But he's also the type that's unapologetically himself and it's naturally an easy attractant for women. He could have any pick of the litter, and he knows it. He walks like he knows it, talks like he knows it, but he never actually comes out and says it. And the thought of conquering him, of being the one that he begs for. The one that gets the cocky side of him to bow down before your feet. Oh yes, you'll break him. Unlike Tae, who flirts shamelessly possibly just for the fun of it, you do it for more perverse and personal reasons.    You're attracted to him. More than you'd care to admit too. You want him, you want all of him. You're not sure where in the game that started happening, but you know it's far earlier on than you care to admit to yourself. But he doesn't need to know that. Not until he's worshiping you, and then you'll bare your heart and soul. But he needs to break first. You want to wash off that cocky grin from his face, you want to see him vulnerable and bare to you. And as much as you'd like to pretend it was just a game of conquering the man who can conquer all it was now much more than that. So you've been pushing harder than ever, trying to get him to cross the finish line. You think he probably understands what you're doing. And it seems to you that he's drawing it out to see if you'll break first instead. You've had to slow back down in retaliation. Well, that and the fact that you had been so caught up in the thrill of the chase that you've had witnesses. Technically just one witness actually, just on a few occasions.    Unfortunately, poor Jungkook has been caught in the crossfires of your little 'chases' a few times now. So now you have to be a little bit more careful. Poor Jungkook. The last time he walked in on the two of you had been the worst. He'd found Taehyung feeding from your thigh when he came over to see if Taehyung wanted to play a video game of some sort with him. As if it wasn't bad enough of a position with your dress hiked up and your expensive black lace and chiffon underwear on full display it of course just had to happen right when he finally started looking you in your eyes after he accidentally saw the racy photo you'd sent Tae a few weeks prior. It wasn't that bad, but you're pretty sure that he's maybe seen boobs in real life a handful of times and that didn't help anything. He's a shy, innocent thing under all that bravado he puts on stage. Jungkook still refuses to talk around you, he just turns into an awkward statue and runs away which has caused his blood type endless entertainment recently. She's been using you just to chase away Jungkook, and it's only made you tread more lightly in your game with Taehyung.    Your thoughts are brought back to the present when you hear your phone buzz. You glance over at Jungkook's blood type on your right and Jin's blood type on your left to see both of them sound asleep before pulling up the text. It wasn't a dick pic per say. It alluded to it, but the angle cut off right after the thatch of well-groomed pubic hair. Interesting, so he doesn't shave completely. Somehow, you kind of anticipated him to be an all or nothing kind of guy. Not that you're complaining. The real question is how to respond?    You take a moment to ponder your options before a text pops up.

[Tae-Tae] Speechless? [you] No, I'm just debating if you shave and trim or just trim.    What a cocky little shit. You'll break him one day, you swear it. [Tae-Tae] Care to find out? [you] Hmm... [Tae-Tae] I'll show you if you ask me. ;) [you] Nah, I think my own imagination is probably better. [Tae-Tae] :( It's not tho [you] Whatever you say, babe. [Tae-Tae] babe? I get nicknames now? What can I call you? How about baby doll? [you] Gross, veto. [Tae-Tae] Princess? [you]...I can work with that one, but it's not my favorite. [Tae-Tae] My queen? [you] Much better. I accept from you my humble servant.

   You try to stifle your laughter as Taehyung suddenly appears down the aisle. He shoots you another boxy grin and leans over for a moment to whisper in your ear.    "See, I told you. You can get guys to do their bidding. All you have to ask and your wish is my command. My queen." You look at him for a moment before staring back straight ahead.    "I'd rather hear you beg." You watch his pupils dilate for a moment when you spare a short glance back his way, his head cocked to the side before he finally moves back over to his seat when a stewardess starts walking by.

---------------------------------

   A few days later and you're finally back in the comfort of your own home. In a strange way, you aren't actually that happy with it. Being out and exploring and...being with Tae...well it's fun. But meanwhile back at the ranch you just go through tedious monotonous tasks of daily life. Not that it's that bad, it's really nice to be able to catch up on all your favorite shows and finish a book in your favorite spot on the couch. It's just...well it's boring.    You've been going and traveling nonstop for the last couple of months, and sure it could be stressful. Especially trying to get through an airport while not being caught with BTS and the constant reminder of 'no scandals, we hired you to be discrete' from the ever so lovely management. (Honestly, with some of the stunts you've seen the other girls pull you're surprised that there hasn't been a scandal yet. It's not that they aren't discrete, it's more that...well there's zero tolerance for bullshit from some of the other girls when fans get out of hand.) But with all its rules the job is still worth it. You got to explore museums and sites and food all over the world. Your bank account is certainly not a concern any time soon. But more importantly...with Tae. And when you're back at home...well you're just a regular old girl again. When you're with Tae it's like everything is an adventure, his optimistic boyish charm is infectious. When it's back to just you in your apartment though it's like everything is slightly muted.    Your thoughts wander back to Taehyung for a moment. The tour had ended with things getting...slightly awkward between the two of you. You're pretty sure that both of you are getting tired of this little game, but both of you are too stubborn to try for something more. Each conversation with him lately has kept you on edge, both of you seem to be daring the other person to just say it first. You know you're in deep shit, you don't just like him...you love him. And that puts you in an odd spot. This is after all your job. And he is after all famous and under a microscope constantly. And then there's his personality. It's almost like there are two sides to him. The flirty grand charismatic face he shows the world and then the much more serious, sometimes stoic side he'll occasionally give you a glimpse of. But what's real with him? You can't help but wonder if he actually likes you, or if he more just enjoys teasing you. And this dilemma really isn't his fault, it's yours. You started this. You were the one challenging him, instead of just coming forward and being honest. But being honest is scary. Rejection is a serious possibility, and you're not sure if you'll ever be able to recover from it. I mean, sure you will, but...man it won't be easy. And let's say he does reject you, do you have to go back to your old routine at Tainted Souls all over again?    You're in the middle of a deep True Blood binge under the confines of the pillow fort you've made when a knock at the door interrupts your thoughts and has you pausing the show. You have no clue who it could possibly be. Your friends rarely show up unannounced and all of them have day jobs so considering that it's only 1:00 in the afternoon it couldn't possibly be them. And you didn't order any food, you actually forced yourself to cook for once just a little while ago. You peak your head out the pillow fort and squint at the door (not that it's helpful in any way but you're hoping you can somehow will the person away if you do this long enough.) Another round of knocks, louder this time, ring through the apartment before the doorbell is rung no less than five times in under thirty seconds.    You grunt as you crawl out of the fort before marching over to the door. Swinging it open you're ready to give an earful at your intruder before seeing that damn boxy grin.    "Tae?"    "Hiya, my queen. I was just bored and in the area and-"    "How do you know where I live?" Taehyung stops for a moment and you see a mischevious glint in his eye.    "I have my ways. Are you going to invite me in?"    "What is this, some old-timey vamp shit? Yes, please, I invite you in oh undead one." Tae chuckles as he steps in, his shoulders brushing against yours momentarily before he steps aside to take off his shoes. "You aren't off the hook that easy though. How did you find out where I live?"    "It's on your resume, duh." You watch him survey your small apartment before his eyes light. "Is that a pillow fort???" He skips with glee over to the area, a childlike innocence and enthusiasm taking over as he crawls down and shuffles into the area. "What are we watching?"    "We're not watching anything. I was watching..." You stop yourself short. How do you explain to a vampire that you're basically watching a vampire porn show that got a disturbing amount of things about vampires right? I mean, the Dracula thing was already a bit embarrassing enough but hey, it's a classic!    "What, cat got your tongue? Come on, come join me in the fort, my queen!" You glance over to see him patting at the side next to him before finally giving in with a reluctant sigh. You didn't exactly make enough space for two people though, so you're squeezed rather tightly next to his side. "So...were you watching porn?"    "...no..." No that would almost be less embarrassing, unfortunately.    "That...that wasn't the answer I was expecting. Oh...oh my god. You WERE weren't you?" You're struck with horror as he moves to press play. Why god? Why you? Why didn't you destroy all the evidence before opening the door? Why didn't you hide the remote? Why couldn't you have been watching anything else other than-    The sounds of moaning fills the room. Of fucking course, this just had to be the worst possible scene for it to start on. And of course you just haaaad to watch the whole series over from the beginning and this is the part where they find the tape of the girl who died after sleeping with a vampire who chains her up has very rough sex with her and then drains her.    "Holy shit, this is...this is really kinky. It feels like I'm watching some of Hobi-hyung's stash, but worse. Wow. It's always the ones you least expect I guess." His eyes are glued to the screen as it finally cuts back to the police.    "No!!!! No, no no no no no no no!!!" You're smacking Tae repeatedly on his arm, hoping that you're somehow making your illiterate rant get across to him. "No, it's a TV show. It's called True Blood! It's about vampires and okay it's honestly trashy and kind of awful but I mean, they got so much right. A lot of it wrong, but so much right too! Like synthetic blood, and vampires coming out of the coffin! And and and..." You stop at the sound of Taehyung laughing maniacally at your outburst. "Oh fuck off Tae. Even if I was watching porn I'm allowed to do so! Who died and made you my dad? Also, what ARE you even doing here? Don't think I bought that 'I was in the area' bullshit! You're not getting off that easy mister!"    "Mister, really?" Tae sighs before cuddling closer into your side, his face pressing into your shoulder. "I just missed you, if you really must know."    "Oh." What does that admission mean? Does it mean...no he couldn't possibly be throwing in the towel.    "Oh?"    You glance down to see Tae looking up at you through his messy fringe. You hadn't really paid attention when he first came in, but he looks paler, tired. "OH, you're hungry." He rolls his eyes before he cuddles even closer and throws a leg over you. You pray that your heart will stop thundering soon because you know for a fact he can hear it.    "Not really. I still have two more days before I need to eat. I told you, I just missed you. Is that such a crime?"    "You look hungry. Tae, you don't need to lie. If you just came because you need to eat that's fine, I'm sure you've been working harder now that you're back and-"    "I told you that's not why I'm here!" His face snaps up, and you're suddenly reminded by his inhuman speed that he is indeed a creature not to take lightly as he's straddling you. His eyes bore into yours, flickers of annoyance tracing over his features. "Why don't you believe me?"    "What?"    "Why, why do you do all these games? You fuck with me, and you play these games, and god I can't get you out of my fucking head. Your taste, your smell, your laugh fuck it's like they're just running through my mind all god damn day. And then you have the audacity to act surprised? How could I not miss you? Is this all it is to you, just some game? Because I swear to fucking god if it is I'm-"    "It's not just a game. I mean, it kind of started that way but..." You trail off, your eyes refusing to look up at him for longer than a few seconds.    Tae relaxes at your admission, but his gaze never wavers. He's clearly waiting for you to continue, but you're too stubborn. After a minute of the two of you daring the other to speak first, he finally gives a small chuckle before throwing his face into your neck. "God, you just really want to make me say it first, don't you?"    "Yes." Your words come out tiny and small, and you suddenly feel incomprehensibly stupid for just not being honest with him sooner.    "Why?"    "Because you're you. You could get anything, anyone. And...I don't know at first it was just to get someone as great of a catch as you to look at me and I was kind of bored with having just one client. But then...it just morphed into something more. The more time I spent with you the more I wanted you to really like me. Like really really like me, not just want me...you know? But...I guess...I'm also just really afraid of rejection. A game of cat and mouse keeps things easy and light-hearted, feelings don't really have to be involved."    "I fell for you so long ago it's ridiculous. I just figured it was all just fun and games for you so I didn't admit anything. We're both idiots aren't we?"    You find yourself grinning up at his words. "Yeah but...we can be idiots together."    "I like the sound of that, a lot." For a minute silence just fills the room, although it's not uncomfortable. It's more the two of you basking in the realization that there are no more games. Both of you are finally being honest with one another. And then after that warm and fuzzy glow starts to ebb away do you realize the rather compromising position you're in. He's still straddled over your hips, his hair falling down and eye's just barely peeking out, his hands resting on the side of your head and face just a few inches away. You're not sure what to do in this situation. Do you ask him to move? Do you kiss him? Do you touch him? What would be the most proper? Because really all you want is to feel his lips, but you're not sure if that's what he wants.    You're pretty sure he can see each thought playing out based off of the way he cocks his head to the side and lifts an eyebrow. You've never been very good at concealing your inner thoughts. (Note to self, work on your poker face.) So you steel your nerves and finally say in a voice you hope doesn't give away your anxiety, "Tae?" When he hums in response you finally lift your eyes to him. "Tae, can I kiss you?" His smile stirs something in you, a frenzy of joy and something slightly more carnal caused by his fangs shining down at you.    "Of course, my queen." He doesn't however budge. Clearly, he's going to make you work for it, and your stubborn side is starting to roll back in. You weave your hands into his hair (you'd like to note that it's oddly soft for all the chemical damage it's taken and you really should find out what shampoo he uses) to bring his lips down onto yours. The force of the movement causes a rather awkward clash of teeth, but neither of you seems to pay any mind. There's been too much build up, too much tension, to really care about little details like that.    His lips are slightly chapped and he tastes faintly like mint. It's not long before the kiss deepens into something less chaste, tongues roaming and exploring and hunger starts to drive both of you. Your hands untangle from his hair and move to his arms before snaking around his waist to flip him over. There's something so euphoric about seeing him under you, at seeing the shift as his eyes start to shine red and the way his breathing starts to stagger under your touch. And it hits you, really hits you then, that he's yours. Maybe the world gets a lot of him, but right now you get a side of him that they don't. Your lips trail down his neck as your hands slide up his shirt to feel the cool skin underneath. The way his muscles clench under your touch coupled with his soft panting has desire pooling into your underwear.    "You look so pretty like this." You grin as you peel his shirt off before leaving a wet trail of kisses down his torso.    "Pretty, really? Wouldn't handsome be a more apt description?" His hands are wound into your hair, pushing you slightly further down as you get steadily closer to the waistband of his sweats.    "Well, you are plenty handsome. But...I think you look pretty right now. Delectably pretty. Like a perfect meal presented to me." You linger at his pants, hands resting on the button before your attention flickers back to his face. "May I?"    "Please. But I mean, really? If anyone is the meal here it's you."    "The big bad vampire routine is unbecoming of you. Be a good boy though and you might just get a treat." The glare he levels at you has a giggle of elation bubbling up in your throat.    "Really, still with the games?"    "Do you want me to suck your dick or not Tae?" His head whips up as you slide down his pants and boxers, freeing his rapidly hardening cock only a mere few inches from your face. You'd like to note that he does, in fact, shave and groom. Guess the question is finally answered now that you're finally seeing the perfectly shaped triangle of hair in person.    "Fuck, no I do."    "Then just lie back down and be a good boy." He groans as he throws his head back, biting on his lip to stay quiet. You've always wanted to be the one to get under his skin, to make him fall apart, and now that you're finally here it's better than you ever imagined. You take a moment to just enjoy the site of him laying under you, twitching with barely controlled impatience. Your fingers ghost over his dick, lips coming down to pepper small kisses up along his thigh before halting right at his balls. His hips flex and shake the closer you get, precum beading up and falling onto his stomach.    "Jesus, please (Y/N), please just fucking touch me. This is just torture, cruel and unusual punishment. I'll do whatever you want just please, please just touch me."    "Whatever I want?" A cheshire cat grin is on your lips as you look at him. You get that technically you guys already agreed to be together, but hey you've been thinking for a long time about just what you would do when he finally breaks. And right now you're finally about to get what you've always wanted.    "Fuck, yes, just please fucking touch me."    "Hmm, okay, since you begged so nicely." You finally grasp his dick in your hand, tongue snaking along his balls before trailing up and enveloping his velvety head. The tangy precum smears over your lips as you lock eye contact with him, your smile growing wider at the long musical moan that falls out of him. Oh-ho, if Tae is already moaning he might just not be able to handle what you have prepared for him. You give him just a moment to calm down as you keep him resting in your mouth before finally sliding down to the base in one go.    "Oh, holy fuck. Fuck, fuck, oh god. You weren't fucking kidding when you said you were a pro at sucking dick, oh my god." You stay stationed at the base for a moment before working up, setting an easy rhythm for yourself to breath in as you go up and exhale slowly as he reaches past your molars. The dull ache in your jaw is worth it for the sweet sounds he's gracing you with. You can feel your panties clinging onto you, your own need beginning to cause a different dull ache. But that's not important, what's important right now is staying in charge. You aren't about to pass up this opportunity that you've worked so hard to finally get. "(Y/N), if you don't stop I'm going to ah fuck!" Your hands massage his balls gently before his hips buck with force into your throat and his cum is filling your mouth in hot white ropes.    His eyes are locked on yours as you finally pull away from him, giving small licks to clean up anything left behind before opening your mouth and sticking out your tongue.    "All clean, my what a good girl you are." You can't help but preen a bit under the praise. There's something about hearing the words from Tae that make the (honestly almost unbearable) taste worth it. "But it's not fair, I'm almost completely undressed, and you're still in all of your clothes." His words come out whiney as he tries to grab the hem of your shirt, but you're quicker than him. You scooch your way out of the pillow fort, ignoring his whines of protests.    "Come on Tae, you promised that you'd do whatever it is that I ask." You glance behind you to see Taehyung behind you, a deviant smirk plastered to his face as he tugs his pants back up.    "Well, my queen, I'm hoping that your wish is for me to eat you out like a five-course meal."    "No, but nice try. No no, I'd like something far less sexual, sorry to burst your bubble." You wrap your hands around his neck, fingers curling into the soft hair at his nape. "I'd like for you to take me shopping."    "What?"    "Shopping, I want to go shopping with you. More specifically I'd like to go out on a date with you. I think it would be fun to pick out some clothes with you. Oh, but I suppose I should tack on that I'd like to go to the new exhibit at the museum with you too if you have the time this month. It's not a permanent collection so I suppose that might have to take priority if you can manage the time."    "You...you could have me do anything and you choose a date? I thought for sure you'd have me sit there and beg for you or something, or literally kiss your ass, or make me do something really embarrassing. But you...choose a date?" His shoulders are shaking with poorly contained laughter before he pulls you into a bone-crushing hug. "Just when I think I've got you all figured out you pull something like this. You're a weird one, you know that?"    "Well at first I thought about making you beg, in fact, that was my original goal. But the plan changed a long time ago. I realized I didn't want to make you beg, I would never want to hear something like that forced out of you. I want to hear that you want me because you want me, not for any other reason. So then I started thinking about what I really wanted, and I realized that even though it's selfish and even though you can't technically go out on dates or be seen in public with me I'd still really like to go out on a date with you. I understand though if it's not really possible." You say the last words quietly as you reflect back on your contract and the firm words from management. Dating and scandals were absolutely not allowed, and while you wanted nothing more to be with Tae you also understood the precarious place dating would put him in.    "Hey, don't worry about it. We can definitely go on a date. I can wear like a fake beard or something."    "What?"    "Ooh, or maybe I'll learn how to do some special effects makeup and turn myself into an old man. With a big beard." Tae is talking animatedly, his hands smoothing down his imaginary beard.    "No fake beard, please."    "Why not, I thought girls like beards."    "Yes well I don't. Especially not fake ones. That's just weird. But I'm sure we'll figure something...less...abstract out." You watch his gaze flicker back down to you, his fingers tracing over your jaw before dipping lower until they finally grip at the soft flesh of your ass.    "Well, I suppose that we can figure it out some other time. I don't have enough time for a date tonight, I still have to be back for practice in a couple of hours. But that does leave me with enough time to continue where we left off. What do you say?" His breath is warm on your neck and the fire that had begun to calm down is roaring back. That familiar ache, the need to finally be one with him begins driving all action again. You try leading him to the bedroom, but his hands pull your hips back flush to him. "Always so impatient. Let me take my time with you."         His tongue trails slowly down your neck, over the prominent vein before he nips down slightly on your collarbone. Each movement is slow, precise, and it already has you wanting more. You're not normally so greedy, you usually enjoy dragging things out more. But Taehyung is masterful at this slow, erotic torture and it's quickly becoming too much for you. Each touch to your skin tingles and burns, his hands lazily roaming and groping has your hips rutting into his. "Tae, don't be a fucking tease."    "Oh please, you've spent enough time torturing me let me have some fun." His eyes lock onto yours before he finally strips your shirt off of you before his mouth latches onto a nipple. His tongue swirls around the bud before he's tugging it in between his teeth with enough force to have you cry out. His mouth twitches into a grin at your moan and suddenly he's off of your breast and picking you up. He doesn't, however, take you down the hall into your bedroom as you initially guessed. No, instead he's leading you into the kitchen and placing you on the counter. He just gives a small chuckle at your cocked eyebrow before explaining. "Listen, this might sound ridiculous to you but I've always wanted to have sex in a kitchen but considering that I live in the dorm or I'm always in hotels I don't exactly get that chance often. Also, I really want to fuck you in a bathtub while we're on the subject. Honestly just about every surface of this apartment, but the kitchen is a good place to start. Don't you think?"    Before you can respond his hands drag your ass to the edge of the counter and his mouth is on your thighs. Each wet kiss, each small nip, closer to your clothed and dripping core has you shaking with want. "Tae, please. Please, come on baby, please." You're not sure if it's the begging, or the use of the pet name, or just his own desires that finally cause him to peel away your panties but you really don't care. You just care that you're finally getting relief.    "God, look at you. You're dripping all over the counter. What a pretty fucking pussy, and it smells so sweet." He licks one long stripe over your folds before clamping down on your throbbing clit. Before you can even react he has two fingers slipping into you, strangled moans bubbling out at the dual sensations. With each loud suck on your clit, his fingers prod deeper inside you, scissoring and stretching in all the right ways. You can feel that familiar coil tighten and lurch at his ministrations. Each time his tongue brushes against you, each time his fingers prod in just the right spot, you can feel yourself start to unravel. You want to tell him how good it feels, how amazing he is, but words get lost in your throaty moans. "You're going to cum already? You gonna cum all over my fingers? Come on (y/n), cum for me." That's all it takes to have you finally fall into your orgasm. Thighs clenching, abdomen tightening, toes curling. Faintly you know you're screaming his name loudly, but you're too far gone in bliss to fully register that it's you who's making those noises.    By the time your opening your eyes back up he's finally pulled away from you. His mouth is still shining with your release and you can't help but groan at the sight of him slowly fisting his leaking cock. His mouth is on yours in an instant, both of you groaning at the taste of both your orgasms. Your hips jut into his, the desire to feel filled by him is starting to drive you into a frenzy. You need to feel him, one orgasm isn't enough. Never really has been for you, but especially not when it's finally with Tae. "Tae, come on, please fuck me."    The way he groans low and sweet has you clenching around nothing and desire trickling out of you once again. You watch, entirely entranced, as he finally enters. You're well prepped enough that there's no burn, just sweet sweet satisfaction. His head rested in the crook of your neck, peppering small kisses along the vein as he stayed still before slowly pulling back out. His hands wrap your thighs around his waist before he starts moving rhythmically. Each movement is harsher, faster than the last. Each thrust has both of you groaning at the sensation. You can feel him everywhere, so utterly full as he prods away at the right spot that has nerves on fire.    "God, you're so fucking tight. And wet, holy shit. Can I...can I feed from you?" You can't help but moan at his words again. He looks so perfect, almost like a sculpture has come to life. The sweat is making his hair cling to his face, casting a glow to his tan skin. "You have to say yes, I'm not taking a moan for an answer."    "Yes, please Tae." At the green light, he nuzzled back into your neck, his tongue snaking along the pulsing vein before his fangs sunk in. There's something about the mix of pain and pleasure that almost feels like a high each time. Sinful, dirty, perfect. And it has you tumbling into another orgasm around him. Clenching, moaning, milking Tae to finally come to his own. His tongue laps up the last of the blood, seeling away the bite as his hips begin to rut sloppily through his own completion. He stays lodged inside as he starts to soften and presses a few soft kisses on your lips. You feel not just satisfied, but somewhere into a place of warm and fuzzy bliss.    "You know, it was worth the wait." He sighs at the sound of his phone going off and grimaces as he finally pulls out to look at his phone. "I have to leave now so I won't be late to practice. Can I...come back over tomorrow? I don't have the day off, but I do have a break in the afternoon."    "Of course, just text me when you're on your way over. Don't push yourself too hard."    Tae gives a boxy grin as he pulls on his clothes before weaving his fingers into your hair and pulling you into a heated kiss. "As much as I love seeing you naked, you should probably put on some clothes so you don't catch a cold. I'll see you tomorrow, my queen."    You watch him leave silently, a smile plastered to your face. You certainly weren't expecting for this to happen when you took on the job. You weren't expecting these blossoming feelings of love to take over when you started to first tease Tae. But the world works in mysterious ways, and you couldn't be happier with the results.

[amplesalty]

Christmas 2019: Day 9 - The Christmas Hope (2009)

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Nine months of gestation!

On reflection, I can see that the past two entries on this years list have been a bit of a downer. Far too centered in talk of mental illness, depression and the like. Let’s perk things up a bit with...*checks notes*...shit.

Right now millions of people across the planet (or galaxy as it were) are enjoying/not enjoying the end to a very different cinematic trilogy. Me? I have a long overdue wrap up to attend to that started many moons ago thanks to a certain little film about a certain pair of shoes based on a certain song. Quite why I’m doing this know I don’t know. I can only suspect that I’ve seen one too many reflective social media posts now that we’re reaching both the end of a year and decade, perhaps I’m subconsciously wanted to sort out unfinished business, hence looking at stuff like this, Christmas Story Live and the Christmas Carol Musical.

The movie starts with Traci here recording herself singing a song before commenting ‘American Idol here I come!’. The camera pans all through her house looking at pictures of her daughter, soppy picture frames with ‘I LOVE YOU MOMMY’ written on them and no sign of a boyfriend/husband so she has the basis for a feel good story if she does make it on. Might need to jazz it up somewhere along the line if we’re to really tug at the audiences heartstrings but it’s a start. This actress would go on to play Vicky in the live action Fairly Odd Parents movies so that’s another tie in to a previous entry. Apparently there’s a third one of those and I’m not sure if I’ve seen it.

She literally runs into a couple on her way to work, knocking their teddy bear to the floor which they graciously give to her when she mentions that her daughter would love it. This is Nathan and Megan from The Christmas Blessing, sadly both recast. Actually, maybe that’s a good thing. Not sure I’d be able to take NPH seriously after all those H&K movies recently. Nathan is a bit more of a ginger this time around, rather than the dirty blonde thing NPH has going on. Megan is expecting and they have about a bajillion teddies so they don’t mind passing one along. Hey, someone probably got you that as a gift. Be grateful!

Meanwhile, the police arrest a drug dealer and find she has a malnourished baby in her apartment so in swoop child services to save the day.

Mr. T feels your pain.

I hope you weren’t getting too attached to Traci by the way because about fifteen minutes into the film, shortly after making a heartfelt promise to her daughter that they were going to decorate the Christmas tree once she got home from work and that she had a very special present for her this year, she promptly gets run over.

Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly; you freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, cause you're too fucking scared to think, you just freeze and pull a stupid face.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised given this is one of those melodramatic, Hallmark movies and this whole series has been overly morbid up to this point but it still kinda threw me. Here we are all nice and happy, Traci’s going about her day and there’s a nice Christian, soft rock Christmas ballad playing in the background and then BOOM, SUV to the face.

Then it cuts to her daughter, Emily, going through the Christmas decorations before settling on a angel which she ponders on for a moment before looking to the heavens as she’s having this moment of intuition.

But when child services pop their head in again to take her away, they find that all their usual helpers are fully booked for the holidays so what else can they do? One of the workers, Patricia, has no choice but to take her home. It’s not by the book but, damnit, it’s Christmas and we’re going to give this kid some degree of stability. By sheer coincidence, Patricia happens to be the mother of one Sean Addision who was the kid that died following a car accident the start of Christmas Blessing which caused Nathan to have his Dr Cox crisis of confidence moment. These movies are just ridiculous to how everyone's lives are so intertwined.

Like, up to this point, we met Traci who then bumped into Nathan and Megan, before going to work and having a young, troubled teen skip out on his bill but Patricia was in at the same time and tipped really generously to make up for it. That same kid then pretty much steals her bag following accident and also knew Sean who was mentoring him in one of those Big Brother mentoring programs.

Patricia’s husband, Mark, is played by James Remar, he of The Warriors fame and, more pertinent to this blog, he was in the Miracle on 34th Street remake and one of the segments in the Tales from the Darkside movie. Theirs is a very frosty relationship currently owing to the death of Sean, there’s no sense of chemistry between these two and I’m surprised they’re actually as close in age as they are, Remar only 4 years older. Feels like there’s more of like a 10-20 year gap. He gets on very well with Emily though, they have this instant rapport whilst Patricia is more distant which is understandable. She obviously has to keep things professional as she can’t get too attached to these kids and doesn’t want them getting attached to her, plus there’s probably ongoing issues from Sean’s death, maybe she’s not prepared to slip back into that motherly role again. Which you can tell by that dinner she serves; rolls of wafer thin ham, cherry tomatoes, carrot sticks and celery? That’s just what all the kids want.

At least she’ll read Emily a bedtime story, ‘I’ll Love You Forever’ which documents a mother who sings to her song that she’ll love him forever, even when he becomes a rebellious teenager who thinks it’s lame for her to do that. This leads to the very strange visual of him cradiling her in his arms on a rocking chair and singing it to her when she’s old and frail, a mirror image of how she first sang to him when he was a baby. This really hits Patricia in the feels as she felt distant from Sean as he seemed closer to his father, wanting to impress him by picking the sports and classes he thought his father wanted him to take. She even seems to partly blame her husband for their sons death as he switched around his work schedule to come home early for Christmas, which in turn led to Sean coming home early too. If he’d just come home on the day he intended this never would have happened! That seems grossly unfair. Even when she passed along a family heirloom in the form of her fathers watch, he was unimpressed and even managed to break it whilst horsing around with a friend in his room.

The massively tangled web of these characters comes into play again when Megan is going through some things and finds an old Christmas gift which sends Nathan into some sort of Nam flashback. Turns out Sean was holding it as he was wheeled into the hospital and Nathan had taken it upon himself to make sure it found its way to its intended destination but he just forgot about it over the years. I actually went back to check this and ,yeah, that is in the previous movie. I had this whole thing pegged as just a series of independent stories with loose connections throughout but no, apparently they had whole plot points planned out in advance.

Nathan and Patricia do interact several times as she takes the crack baby to the hospital to be checked up. There’s this strange level of frustration akin to An American Tail where Nathan keeps getting little flashbacks in his head but he’s never quite able to connect the dots.

But of course he eventually does and the present turns out to be, say it with me now, the broken watch! Perhaps more meaningful though is the accompanying note which reveals Sean intended to study social work at college because he wanted to help kids just like his mom. This seems to serve as a form of closure for her but I feel like you could already start drawing that sort of conclusion. I mean, the guy was already in that Big Brother program so you were clearly already having some sort of influence on him.

Strike two of the big overly emotional finale comes when it’s suggested Emily puts the angel atop the tree which promptly makes her bolt out of the room. Everyone is left thinking they’ve upset her but she comes back clutching a picture which she wedges onto the tree, a picture not of her mother as I had suspected but of Sean. She says he is her angel and she feels like whenever she’s felt all alone, he’s been there to help here. Awww.

The big showstopper though is the troubled kid finally coming good and, after realising who everyone is in this story, returns Traci’s bag to the Addison home. Inside was her camera and on that camera was the video from the very start of the movie. Turns out she wrote that song as a Christmas gift for Emily.

Though, I feel the writers fell short of a grand slam here. Near the end, Nathan shares the story with Megan about giving the gift to Sean’s parents and how it gave him his own little bit of closure after how much Sean’s death affected him back then. Megan goes into labour shortly afterwards and I was fully expecting them to decide to call the baby Sean but no such luck.

Christmas Blessing was lacking a little bit in the big emotional ending so it feels like this one is making up for that and then some. It’s not as cheesy as that song from Christmas Shoes but still delivers that overly sentimental feeling. Again, it’s something I am loathed to admit but it got to me a little bit. This whole movie has that same morbid energy as the other two but in a slightly different way, the first two felt like you spent the entire movie watching people who were on deaths door before something happened at the end to soften the blow. Here they just give you the death right up front and everyone is left to cope with the aftermath and reflect on how deal with it. It’s like an encapsulation of everything that Nathan has gone through over these movies, facing death in his personal and professional life but coming to terms with it.

You know what’s bullshit though? No sign of the eponymous Christmas Shoes anywhere. They’re even in the box of stuff that Megan finds the old Christmas present in. How can you make this your big conclusion and not bring them back? You brought them back the last one, you couldn’t have Megan tag along and give them to Emily at the end as some sort of passing of the torch? It was her destiny, Nathan got them for his dead mother, Charlie got them for his dead mother, those shoes have been robbed of their purpose in life.

[brandonatrandom]

3 Solid Movies to Check Out This Halloween

Now I’m sure it’s safe to say if you’re big on horror movies, you’re probably at least aware of the more commonly mentioned titles in this genre. Your “The Exorcist”s or your “Halloween”s, your “Friday the 13th”s or your “Nightmare on Elm Street”s always seem to come up. And don’t get me wrong, I love those movies like anyone else, but I’m hoping to point you in the direction of some lesser-seen, perhaps even lesser-heard of flicks. I will not be spoiling any movies in this little review, so you can proceed with the comfort of knowing you will have none of these movies ruined for you beyond that of an IMDb plot synopsis, if that.

Black Christmas (1974)

I put off seeing this movie for a long time for some reason. The first time I ever heard about the movie was when they came out with a remake, which seemed like a bad sign. My intuition was all wrong and I really regret not checking this one out sooner.

Black Christmas is the story of a sorority house getting what initially appear to be harmless, but pretty perverted prank phone calls. Naturally the calls escalate or why the fuck would this even be a movie?

Olivia Hussey has a solid performance in the lead role, which is also, gasp, well-written? What am I getting you into? I recognized Olivia Hussey from the 1968 film adaptation of “Romeo and Juliet” that Mrs. Harris made us watch in Brit Lit in 10th Grade. She had to cover the TV with a folder during the nude scenes.

The other familiar face in this movie was that of Margot Kidder. If that name doesn’t ring a bell, she is best known for playing Lois Lane in all four Christopher Reeve “Superman” films. She was also in another horror notable: the original “Amityville Horror”.

Black Christmas features some creative kills, builds genuine suspense, and leaves you with a real feeling of terror even after you’re done watching (which should be exactly what you want in a good horror flick). It’s very well made, and there’s a reason it’s on so many “best horror movies of all time” lists. Don’t feel the need to wait til December to watch it. It’s currently free on Amazon Prime Instant Video.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Now let me preface this one by saying this is not what you’d call a “good” movie. But I also don’t think I’d call it bad. I originally heard about it because my favorite podcast “How Did This Get Made?” did an episode on it. On the surface, this movie appears to be a simple “Friday the 13th” rip-off, with another run-of-the-mill story about a string of slayings of camp-goers at a lakeside camp. But “Sleepaway Camp” manages to be so much better than that. But it’s not really what I’d call scary either. Honestly, this is also free on Amazon Prime, learn as little about the plot as you can before you watch.

You’ll have a hard time spotting familiar faces here, as many of these actors did not have huge careers outside of blockbusters like “Sleepaway Camp”.

What We Do In The Shadows (2014)

This one’s on the lighter side, it’s a mockumentary -style borrow comedy in the vein of Christopher Guest movies like “This Is Spinal Tap” and “Best in Show”. The plot centers around 3 vampires who have been roommates for about 100 years. The movie parodies many elements of vampire mythos, as well as references to pop culture depictions of vampires, and run-ins with their werewolf rivals.

As far actors you might know, it’s mostly unfamiliar New Zealand actors. But Jrmaine Clement from the TV Series “Flight of the Conchords” He’s pretty well-known and has played small parts in quite a few movies in the last several years.

“What We Do In The Shadows” has since spawned a TV series of the same name which is created and written by Clement but is set in NYC. I haven’t watched it yet, but I would like to see how it turned out.

That’s it, the 3 that were promised. Hopefully you haven’t already seen them and hopefully you like them if you watch them. Aaaaand hopefully if you read this and thought “fuck that, I’m not watching any of these fucking movies I’m gonna go outside or something” then I hope you enjoyed the reading and your fucking obnoxious high horse. Some of us are going fucking blind and writing little internet articles for no reason in particular other than to pass the eternally slow time here.

[awed-frog]

Can I ask something about menstrual cups? I can't really use tampons - getting them in is time consuming and I can feel them which is super uncomfortable (and I know they say you have to push them further but I literally can't) but I was kind of wondering how a menstrual cup compares to that? Can you feel them? How long do you need to practice with them?

Hey there! So, I have no problem answering this question, but please remember this is my experience - not all vaginas are created equal. 

tl;dr answer: menstrual cups don’t compare to tampons in any way because tampons are The Claw of the Devil and cups love you and support you and want to see you happy; no, you can’t feel a menstrual cup, it’s like not wearing one at all; you can learn to how insert it and take it out in half an hour, but it may take you a couple of months to work out the kinks.

(pictured: me when I realized I would never have to use a tampon ever again)

Longer answer under the cut.

As a first thing - if you find you have a lot of trouble putting in a tampon, remember that you could simply be nervous or anxious (that will cause your muscles to clench, and it’s possible you won’t even realize you’re clenching because you have the impression you’re more or less relaxed), but it could also be a problem of vaginal dryness or another health issue, like vaginismus - maybe consider a chat with your ob/gyn doctor?

That said, what you describe is pretty common. I’ve got friends who hate tampons with a vengeance, and I never wore them myself if I could avoid it. Here is how a menstrual cup is different:

1) Tampons are dry. This means they can be uncomfortable to insert, especially during the first and last days of your cycle. Cups, on the other hand, are made of silicone, which means they easily slide against your skin - in theory, you can wear them even when you’re not bleeding at all (apparently some women put them in a few hours before they expect their period to start, and that’s the level of organization and attention to detail we all should aspire to).

 2) Tampons and cups sit in different places inside your body. Have a look:

You see how it works? That darker, bean-shaped thing is your uterus, and the opening between the vagina and the uterus is your cervix - while it’s impossible for a tampon to get inside it, a sharp pressure against the cervix can hurt - a lot. That’s why sometimes you feel a stab of pain when wearing a tampon (and that can be a problem during sexual intercourse as well, by the way, because some guys seem convinced that the whole goal of sex is to put their thing inside your vagina and watch it come out of your mouth or something). But cups, bless them, sit far, far away from your cervix, and that’s another reason why you don’t feel they’re there.

3) Another advantage here is that you need to push tampons back a whole lot for them to be in the right place, and if you’re young, or have small fingers, it’s annoying af. If you want to keep using tampons, those with applicators are probably a good idea, but personally I hated them even more because a) they’re not discreet - for weird women like me who don’t use purses, it feels like you’re walking around with a damn sigar; b) it’s like you’re injecting yourself with something, which you aren’t, but that THERE’S GOING TO BE A NEEDLE UP MY FANNY feeling is not something you need when you’re in the middle of your cycle, and mostly c) they’re so, so wasteful - look at all the paper and plastic you’re literally throwing away. Ugh. 

(I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think every woman should experiment with everything we’ve got available for this stupid problem and find something that suits her, but personally I wish cups had been a thing twenty years ago.)

Anyway - since cups sit much lower, putting them in is much less annoying. I remember those fed up attempts to push a tampon another inch back and wondering if it was the right place at all - well, bye bye to that and fuck you very much, tampons. 

It’s much easier to place cups in the right spot, I promise you.

4) Tampons tend to dry out your vaginal walls, which can be painful, especially when you insert or remove a tampon (think micro-wounds and all that crap). Cups just sit there without bothering anyone because they’re just nice that way.

So these are the reasons why a cup shouldn’t annoy you as much as a tampon. As to how to get used to them, here are a few tips.

A) If you’re a virgin or a teenager, take it easy. Your vagina is probably a bit tighter, and it’s likely you’ll be more nervous and less used to your body. That’s okay. Remember you’re allowed to get familiar with how you look down there - feel free to look at diagrams and experiment, in sexual or non sexual way, to learn what your vagina feels like. Be curious and patient. Also: a cup will slide through your hymen, but, like a tampon, it can also cause the hymen to tear. Now, this is absolutely not a problem, because the hymen is just an annoying flap of skin which means nothing, BUT if you live in a country where it’s dangerous not to be a virgin at your wedding, please - safety first. I wish I didn’t have to say this and that we lived in a better world, but we don’t, so if your family is very traditional or very religious and you know you could be in danger if your hymen tears before your wedding, please discuss this with your mother or a health professional before using tampons or a cup.

B) Pick the right size. As far as I can see, all brands are pretty much the same, but most tend to have two sizes. If you have children or are over forty, you should go with the bigger one.

C) Pick the right time. Learning how to insert a cup can take anywhere from ten minutes to a couple of hours, so the best thing is to have the house to yourself, put on some cheerful or relaxing music and give yourself time to do it properly.

D) Baby steps. Finally, once you’re used to it you’ll be able to insert and remove your cup while sitting on the toilet and to do it very quickly, but I think for your first time it’s easier if you squat in your shower or your bathtub. You can wait till the middle of your cycle if you want, but as I said above, the cup can also be used when you’re not bleeding, so you can also pick a random day and see how it works. Most brands will have a very long stem - don’t cut it just yet. It’s a psychological support that helps you let go of the fear the cup could be lost inside your body (which it won’t, by the way), so just ignore it’s there, hold the cup between your thumb and middle finger, squish it with your index so the opening becomes C-shaped, and gently insert it up your vagina. It may take you a few tries to see where it should sit, especially if you’re used to tampons, but the instructions are very clear, and you can also Google for more tips (if you want privacy, guest mode is the invisible option, not incognito mode). Once it’s in, pinch the base a little bit to make it pop open and then make sure it is actually open by pushing your finger very gently around the body. If it’s still close, you’ll feel the C-shaped crease; pinch again and move it around a bit until it opens (a folded cup won’t adhere to the vaginal walls, which makes it useless). Once it’s in, stand up and move around. If the stem is still there, you should feel it, but not the cup itself. Congrats, you’ve done it! 

To take it out, squat again and push down on the cup with one finger to form a crease, then simply slide it out. After you’ve done it a few times, you’ll learn to take it out without spilling the blood inside, but for now don’t worry about that.

E) That’s it! Once you get how it’s done, you can cut off the stem and start your new life as a Free & Happy Woman. Remember to boil the cup before and after every cycle and to change it regularly - it may need to be changed every two to four hours in case of very heavy bleeding, but to be honest the main problem will be remembering you’re on your period - since you don’t feel the cup at all, it’s more than likely you’ll forget to clean it out, or even to take it out at the end of your period. It’s just that comfortable.

F) Finally, a piece of unsolicited advice: there’s no ‘forever’ when it comes to periods. Your regularity, flow level, mood swings and aches may change from month to month. It’s always a good idea to keep a calendar so you have some idea of when your period is due (also when PMS is likely to hit you) and if you’re experiencing negative symptoms, try changing stuff around before taking medication. There is nothing wrong about painkillers, but pain is often a message from your body, so if you can answer that message instead of silencing it, well, I’d say that’s a good thing. Period cramps and PMS mood swings can often be managed by adjusting your diet (as usual, think more greens and less junk food), drinking some teas (like fennel or ginger) and, counter-intuitively, moving around more. In my experience, drastically reducing your sugar intake also helps a lot. Oh, and in case you’ve never seen it, here’s a funny and no-nonsense video about how our cycle works:

I hope this helped. Getting used to a menstrual cup may take some time - for the first month, I tried to avoid changing in public toilets because I was terrified it would fall inside (ugh) and didn’t exactly know how to clean it (paper works, but if you’ve got a small bathroom and the sink is right next to the toilet, well, that’s really the best way to rinse your cup out), but other than that, I was comfortable from the start. I always hated both pads and tampons, especially in warm weather, so this feeling of being completely free and forgetting you even have a period at all - yeah, that sold it for me. I also found it’s way more pleasant to insert a cup that’s slightly warm, so that could be another way to make it an easier and less stressful experience when you’re just starting out (but don’t make the water too hot - your skin’s sensitive down there!). Here are some more tips for first time users which I find pretty sensible. But also, you know - all of this makes it sound way more difficult than it is. It’s just a matter of relaxing and learning how to squish it an unsquish it - then you’re good to go. Happy bleeding, you magnificent she-beast!

[troubleblurose-blog]

My Dumbass 5SOS Experiance // Part Uno

I know exactly what you’re thinking. I know, because well, I am one of you. The 5SOSFam that is; I made it sound like we’re our own separate alien race. But look at the people we stan... It makes a little too much sense, doesn’t it? Not even a paragraph in, and I’m already unraveling a conspiracy theory like Shane Dawson. You know him- “You look so fucking something, in my underwear while she wearing them! There’s my poop stain, on her butt.” Yeah, that funny motherfucker. 

You’re probably thinking- ‘Oh, just another fan who really wants the same thing I do.’

I’m not gonna pretend, or lie to make my situation seem special. You’re fucking right, that is exactly who I am. We all have our bumps in the road, after all, we’re all human. Or aliens, I don’t really know anymore. It’s not only science that has gone too far at this point, I am now a contributing factor to the random things that make you question what the fuck this world is becoming.

I’m not about to level with you, or give you a sob story. It could seem that way, but every detail I write is a detail I wouldn’t ever erase. Every problem I’ve encountered, or dumb ass decision I’ve written is something that made me the well rounded person I am today. These are past events, though I am currently handling some of the debris of them. I’m still coping with illness, and things like that. When I write these events, just know, while they are awful I am used to them. That sounds bad, but I don’t know any different. They do hurt greatly at times, but that’s just building more character and strength in the end. 

-Trigger/Graphic Event Warning-

Let’s start out simple and #relatable; I struggle(d) with:

Bi-Polar Depression (Mood swings between extremely jolly, and devastatingly upset.) 

Anxiety (Having a hard time staying composed in times of little stress, or in many social situations.) 

Insomnia (Getting little to no sleep/getting no well-rested sleep at night.) 

Self-Harm (Hurting yourself in ways such as eating disorders, or various forms of mutilation.)

Suicide (Trying to end your own life.)

Those are the things this is somewhat covering, but by no means are they the point I’m trying to make. They aren’t what make up me, and they aren’t what make up this letter. 

To understand the substance of the seemingly overused words on your screen, you need to know a bit about who I am first. Otherwise this could seem like every generic fanfiction. You know what I’m talking about. Eyes are always called orbs. Every meeting involves someone spilling something on someone else. Dicks are always refferred to as members. Calum is usually an asshole with a tragic life story. Mikey is usually a bad boy; who gets a soft spot for the main girl for some unknown reason. Ashton is either super sweet in his old dad way, or a complete arrogant prick. Luke, well he always bounces between popular and nerdy often. Have I made my point?

I’m gonna get relatable again when I say, there isn’t a lot I’m good at. When I am good at something, it has no use in my daily life. I can’t divide fractions, but I can hit every note in guitar hero. I can’t socially interact, but I can make bomb-ass Turkey Bacon Cojacks. I don’t know where all the states are, but I can rap Migrane. My skills are only useful to me, basically. My point being, I was practically useless in class. When I was staying home from school on the normal, from avoiding my problems and lack of motivation, I felt so useless. Like as useless as a newspaper is to a teenager. 

We all have some activity that makes us feel important, though. To Donald Trump, it’s putting down anyone who isn’t a straight white male. To Bo Burnham, it’s making people laugh with his odd perspective and unique means of comedy. Me? It’s always been when I’m on stage. I love hearing my voice being amplified to bring together people from all walks of life. When I’m writing lyrics, I feel like every syllable can make a difference in someone’s life. There’s just something thrilling about worrying you’ll sing the wrong lyric, and doing so because you were worrying about it. 

I’m not gonna say this was always my passion; when I was younger I made a very motivational speech about wanting to be a mermaid. “I WILL be a mermaid, and I WILL live under the sea.” If you think that’s odd, I know of a kid who wanted to be a trash compactor. After I discovered I couldn’t grow a tail, and I ended up not being a fan of swimming in a casino, I wanted to preform. That’s been my dream since I can remember. I’ve always been pretty witty, like I’d have to leave my wit behind   before boarding a plane it’s so sharp. I learned I get more happiness when making others smile, than I do by making myself smile.

A stage is the one place I’m not useless, and being a musician is what I was born to do. I will look anyone in the eye and tell them I'm gonna be so famous one day, because that's exactly what I believe. I know I'm not where I want to be, so it's as simple as I'm gonna move. You need to remember that the only way you can fail is if you give up. It's pretty annoying how bad I am at that. I don't only try to achieve my goals, I try to over-achieve them. I live off my intuition, I'm definitely the ride-or-die type of person in EVERYTHING I do. Making a fool of myself? I'll record it so people can hold it against me for the rest of my life. Dissapointing my parents? Well I am going to Uni for music with no back up plan. Meet 5sos? Well... That's where this fiasco begins.

Welcome to the jungle my fellow fam.

Let’s go back to the first weekend of May 2017. Yes, I really did start this journey on a weekend in May. Yes, I really did it just so I can make that reference. Maybe I started a bit before that, but I committed to it on that first Saturday. At that time I had been in the fam for a couple of months, and  I did go through the phase when I couldn’t tell Lucifer and Ashtonio apart. I however didn’t assume Calcium was Asian, I assumed he was Hispanic. I mean have you seen the ‘Hey Everybody!’ video? That was rhetorical, of course you have. He walked dogs, he was practically Ceasar911! 

Well at this time I was still self-harming, I was still suicidal, and music is very influential to me. I tend to form bonds with songs because music tends to be my main comfort. Music has always been there when no one ever was. There's just such an intense bond for me, with listening and creating it. When I write I don't just think about lyrics, I can hear the chord progressions and melodies. Unfortunately I don't have enough experience with intstruments yet to share the finished product of my own music. 

With 5SOS however, that connection was a lot different. I  appreciate the artists always, though I never tend to feel anything more than that. I didn't feel that at all, I felt a boner. I'm kidding, I just really wanted to say that. Usually with musicians, since I am a fellow musican, I tend to idolize the ones who make music I enjoy. Yes, I know I'm stating the obvious. The thing is, after the whole initiation of binging keeks, interviews, funny moments, and the movie- I didn't once feel like they were above me in any way. Not even in a sexual dream  enduced by falling asleep to Aerosmith. No, that wasn't too specific of a scenario.

They just made me feel understood in a way no one has. Not just because I'm so proud about being a gigantic dork. We were in the same boat, we had the same oar, we wanted  to get to the same island that appearantly no one has heard of, we had the same belief that it exists, and the same thing  about not being satisfyed with any of the millions of already existing islands. That was quite the metaphor, hehe. It's chalked down to similar situations, interests, humor, personalities, and  impeccable music taste. It could also be that we are close in age, but then I'd be connected to millions of other people. That doesn't sound possible for me at the moment, but wait a couple years.

So I was chilling, laughing at Calcium crossing the border with his homie Mike, when I had the thought- What if I met them? In my mind, I thought there would be at least a year before they come to Illinois again, so I had time to save money. It became a goal for me, one I was quite sure would never happen. As we discussed, I'm an over achiever with all of my goals. So what did I do? Well it would be so easy to say I wrote each of them a letter. I can't do anything that simple, I'm far too creative for that simplicity. 

From then to now, in almost a years time, so much happened from there. I met one of my closest friends who happens to be an Aussie; all because of a 5sos meme post, and her lack of ability to use Instagram properly. My family fell apart, and I'm not keen on going into detail. Let's just say I've gotten to consider the 5SOSFam as my only real family. I love you guys, you're a wonderful group of humans with a trail mix variety of nuts. Thank you for existing, and for reading this far. 

Over the time I worked, I wrote and drafted maybe 500 different letters? As of late, I actually haven't gotten any letters finished. I made 4 bracelets, not a giant accomplishment. I'm 4/5 the way done with a poster I designed for Calcium. I made Lucas a fetus 5SOS wooden box, and a 5SOS money jar. I wrote Mikey a novel about him as a superhero, with a fan-art for it. That's kind of big actually cause I've never finished writing a longer story before. There's more things, but I don't want to get too technical with it.

I think I have to say the thing that I put most my effort in was a large journal for Ashton. That's because it's filled with art, tumblr posts, and lyrics. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to all of those things. At this point it has some holes because I've drafted the entire 100 or 200 pages over at least 8 different times. Nothing in it is original to the day I started, I made so many mistakes early 2017 for myself and that journal. I was working on the journal when I decided to attempt suicide for the second time.

It's completely crazy, but I've been through a lot with that journal. All of that started with the smallest idea. From the time I started to right now, I've changed so fucking much. I know how to handle my illness, I'm clean of self-harm, I lost a family and gained a new one, I failed at dying and learned how to live, I made an amazing friend, I got closer with my already existing amazing friend, I got a drum-kit, I somehow became a good lyricist, I found my music sound, my singing voice matured unbelievably, I got and lost pets, I got and lost relationships, I'm now in Uni, I'm more independent... I'm finally at the point where I can believe it does in fact get better.

That seems crazy given I've gone through more in 2017-2018 than I did when I came out about my depression, but maybe that's because I know how to spin it. I know how to handle life. Now everytime I'm scared to do something, I do it. Cause that is how you live, that's how you write, that's how you learn. I wouldn't recognize myself. I've gone from broken, bullied, and suicidal to seeing the beauty in my missing pieces, realizing I deserve better, and actually getting out of bed.

I think it might be because of the journal... 

Hear me out, hear me out. I'm not saying it made me who I am, there's a difference between knowing and believing. Just like the difference between reading and comprehending. The difference between seeing and feeling. When I started that I could only talk the talk. Hell, when I started I had a case of putting them on a pedestal. It was never intentional, at the time I didn't even think I was worth anything. Now I see them as equals in most ways, cause when I see them be how they are I feel like I belong somewhere. I mean, I've always strayed from the majority just because I'd rather be myself and be disliked than be liked for being someone I'm not. I never saw the appeal in fitting in other than having someone to sit with at lunch. I didn't need to belong, even though it would have been nice to feel at home somewhere.

That's what I got when I found the dorks. I don't have to play a part to feel like I belong around them. I can be me, and still feel like I fit in. Not conformity, but genuine compatibility. Before them I was made fun of for being weird. I was made fun of for having my own style, for the song references no one understood, for how much I giggle. I was made fun of for my a many ambitious, none of which being realistic. But I still do all of these things. I still sing louder than everyone else. I still air drum and head bang to songs like Careless Whisper because it's really funny in contrast. I still play games, randomly balance objects on my head, dance in public because I don't give a shit about what people think when I'm having fun. 5SOS just helped me realize that girl who I wished I wasn't for most of my life, is actually the only person I'd ever want to be. Unless I could be Will Smith as Deadpool, then I immediately trash my last statement. 

This is gonna get a bit heavy for a moment, but during that last attempt, as I was losing life I was legit thinking about them. How messed up is that? My life was so shitty my dying thoughts were about four idiots from Sydney. But that's how it was, they were my coping skill. I couldn't hold onto life for me after that, so I held on for them. Not because they'd know the difference if I was gone, let's be real, they wouldn't. If they knew of me then maybe, but I was so low on life's food chain at that point. I held onto the idea of making this epic stuff, and handing it to them. 

I'm not even done with the journal!

I had a history of putting too much of myself into things and then being let down and loosing that part of me. So I don't do it, but it became something I did without realizing it. I don't know what I thought would happen. Maybe they'd like who I was, and would want to have a conversation. Maybe I'd be thrown into the fanfic life and get to hang out. Like a beach bonfire filled with laughter, various awesome people, classic rock, teasing, and knowing me, lots of dick jokes accompanying many innuendos. Maybe I'd end up in LA, and get signed to a rock label. I know I'm saying it like it's simple, trust me, I know all too well the effort it takes.

I gained some real maturity, and became even more well rounded. Though I was always the mature one who made a few mistakes here and there. That's one of the reasons I didn't fit in, I was like a 30 year old when I was 13. I'm not gonna say it wouldn't be cool to end up being their home diggle, but now I'm living for me. I saved myself, and they influenced me to. They leant me a helping hand. It would be epic to chill, or to collab on a song. Hell, if I got an opportunity to get signed to Hi or Hey I'd take it in a heartbeat. A small part of it is because I think the dorks are cool in their own odd way, but mostly because the company itself is an awesome fit for me. It produces the same sound I'd like to make, and it sends the same message-

[nauseateddrive]

MYSTERY LIGHT by Catherine Sinow

Something terrible happened one night while Cassie and I were parked on a cliff in Los Feliz. It started off innocently enough; we were looking over a valley of twinkling homes in her 2005 Mercedes, her mom’s old car, listening to Iceage, a band we both love. A Yankee Candle air freshener hung from the mirror, which might have been ironic, which I loved because doing things ironically is so her. The car always made me feel cozy with its vintage leather smell and I imagined that I’d drive something similar if I ever upgraded my tattered old Subaru.

Cassie and I often enjoyed going to Griffith Observatory, sometimes combining it with a trip to Permanent Records, our favorite record shop. We would always park on cliffs and chat afterwards; it had totally become Our Thing. I always enjoyed being with her; just the way she looked at me with her blue-green eyes and laughed at my jokes like she was in a little fit. I really found her kind of flawless, even her weird aspects, like how she had a few too many pictures of her with her grandpa on Facebook. 

We’d been hanging out less though since she got her boyfriend, this tall dude named Owen, about six months ago. They met because our good friend Jack is in a band with him. Owen plays guitar, drums, and keyboards, and his voice is pretty smooth, not going to lie. I don’t even understand how one person is so good at so many instruments. But whenever that gets me down I remind myself that he honestly has kind of shit taste in music. I mean, he’s a little too into Tame Impala and Beach House, and everyone knows those bands are cliché and unoriginal. He also has bleached hair and plays a Telecaster. Kind of a poser music boy thing—my style’s a lot more original (I wear mostly beige tones) but also classic (Converse and natural hair color). And I mean I’m pretty tall, too, 6’1” in fact, but this dude is TALL. Like, so tall that other people force him to be on basketball teams. Anyway I was so grateful to have Cassie as a friend, even though I really wished I had gone for her before Owen got to her. She’d been spending less time with me due to him and I can respect that even though it makes me kind of upset.

The Iceage album ended and Cassie switched the music to Ava Luna, a great band we got into together after seeing them play live at Origami Vinyl. Whenever I listen to them I think of her.

“I’m always better at cleaning my room while drunk! I just get the irresistible urge to clean!” she said. I loved little quirky comments like these. We always had great conversations when alone.

“Really!” I said. “I’m better at almost nothing while drunk. I’m better at like, talking about my embarrassing moments from 6th grade while drunk.” She laughed with her cute little scrunched-up-nose giggle. I kind of hoped she’d ask further—I’d been getting pretty good at telling this story about how I was the flag monitor and I left the flag up over the entire two-week winter break. She didn’t ask, unfortunately, but like the sharp girl she is, found a hysterical thing to say instead.

“I’m better at getting the mail while drunk,” she said, giggling. See what I mean?

“I’m better at stowing away in an airplane wheel while drunk,” I said, which really got her going. It made me feel accomplished—an Oscar moment.

Afterward she started to open up to me about some issues she was having with Owen,so I listened attentively. It seemed like even though he always took her amazing places and got presents for her, he was missing a key ingredient—he had a hard time sitting down and really emotionally empathizing. And Cassie’s a really sensitive person, so I know that matters. I found my advice always ended up with the bottom line of “You can do better,” but deep down I wanted to help her talk out her issues and respect her decision to stay with Owen. It was her choice, after all, and I try to respect the choices that people make.

“Jake, look! What the fuck is that?” She pointed out the window. It was plain as day: a big flash of white light trailing through the air. It was completely silent, but it kept expanding in big circles.

“FUCK,” I said.

“What? What? Is that a plane? Is that not just a plane?”

This was bad and I knew it. “I’ve been watching some videos about this recently,” I exclaimed. “It’s a Christ damn nuclear missile. Look, it has that shape. I think the shape determines it.” Yes, I do like looking at Wikipedia articles about strange things such as nuclear missiles.

“Fuck, like, how long do we have to live?”

“I have no fucking idea,” I said, my heart pounding. “Minutes? Look, do you want to make out with me?” I felt the words tumble out of my mouth and a feeling of otherworldly liberation washed over me.

“Um—um—yeah I do! What if we fucking die! I’ve lived such a good life! I miss Owen! My mom was so sweet to me and I was a little brat to her. Fuck, it’s all flashing before my eyes. I can’t stop thinking about this road trip to Utah we took as kids and how my parents took this picture of us by this gigantic sandstone rock formation that was like, these two arches!” She made a perpendicular gesture with her hands. “I thought it was cool then but I think it would be even cooler now! ‘Cause I’m an adult! And it’s all ending! Will I ever get to be old?”

Tears seemed to dribble out of her eyes and she looked so infinitely sad that it felt profound, more profound than any work of literature I’ve ever read, probably. I wanted so badly to comfort her. Now, I need to let you know that I actually thought I was going to die at that moment. Well, not completely, but maybe like a 75% chance? I don’t remember, but I do remember thinking there was a pretty good chance that this was the end of the world.

We crawled into the back seat and started making out. It felt so, so good to plant my mouth on hers, tasting her rose lip balm, after having only stared (both in real life and on social media) for so long. I tore off my beanie and removed her rounded glasses, tossing them into the front seat since I knew she would never need them again, and let my hands meet her inhumanly smooth skin, her shoulder-length dark brown hair, her denim jacket, her modest but subtly curved body. We panted and slammed our clothed forms over each other like the shirts and pants were barriers to break through. My final fuck, I thought. Just do this and maybe everything will be so beautiful, so powerful, that the world won’t really end after all.

“I’m so scared,” she said as she took her jacket, then long-sleeved shirt off. “The world is actually ending.”

“Just make the most of our last moments!” I shouted. So we had sex in my backseat, me on top. I had only had sex once before, with this girl from Tinder, but it seemed like that one time was decent enough practice for the end of the world. I really felt during that sex that Cassie and I combined into a singular human, maybe not even a human, but a unified plane of energy. I savored every raw bit of emotion outwardly flowing from the pits of our stomachs combining with this incomprehensible fear, knowing that in minutes our entire lives and the entire world would be obliterated into nothing. All my middle school classmates, the toys I got for all my Christmases, every vinyl record I had taken the time and money to purchase was for nothing, all at the devastating hands of fate and the man’s technology careening out of control. All my life, all the life and history of the world spiraled into her and my passion I was driving forward. I cried out her name, and she cried out mine.

After we finished she propped her head on my chest and let the sterile, stony moonlight cast over her face. I wasn’t really thinking anything at all, mostly luxuriating in the afterglow. Then she suddenly jolted upward and I had an internal freak-out. She covered her chest with her denim jacket without putting it on and reached into the front seat for her faux leather backpack. My heart tightened. I saw a message from our friend Molly: “Hey are you free? We’re about to start AHS Hotel but we can wait for you” 

This was bad. This was really bad. I felt relieved the world wasn’t ending but that relief wasn’t that significant, probably because I didn’t fully believe that in the first place.

“I don’t think the world is actually ending,” she said, mumbling to herself out the window. “At all. Did I ever think that?” I looked out the other window; the mystery light was now nowhere to be seen. I decided to put on my clothes in the meantime. She eventually did too. We said nothing. And then:

“Just drive me home.”

She sat in the back seat and buckled herself in. I walked around to the front of the car and drove her just like an Uber, but in complete silence. I’ve actually always wanted to be an Uber driver; I think I’d be pretty good at it. I’d be one of those drivers that keeps bottled water and pretzel pouches in the cupholders.

I knew I was totally fucked. I honestly don’t think the sex was bad at all; it was actually pretty great. I found myself wondering if this would cause a rift between her and Owen, giving me a chance to slip in, but at the same time I knew that was unrealistic.

I woke up the next day and snapped some of my friends about the mysterious light. My friend Derek who’s a total news hound told me that it was a nuclear missile test—unarmed—by the government in Eastern California, sort of an empty threat in response to a North Korean missile. So, sort of the end of the world, but not really. I was almost right. I’m a pretty intuitive guy, but intuition can’t get you everywhere.

At the moment my entire friend group is trying to work their schedules around me not seeing Cassie, and I know they’re probably doing the same for her and Owen. I think they’re really good people by trying not to take sides. I haven’t heard from Cassie at all—maybe Owen isn’t allowing for it. I’m pretty sure I lost my best friend that night. It might not have been the actual end of the world, but a big part of my own has ruptured.

Catherine is an ambient music fanatic in the Pacific Northwest. She tweets at @ConceptualCamel

[lolainblue]

Thunderbirds   Chapter 30

T/W: Alcohol use, smut

    Jared raised his cup. “Never have I ever slept with one of my teachers.”

   I left my cup sitting in front of me and looked over at the sofa where Jane sat next to Roger, shaking her head as she took a drink.  She had kept herself inches from him ever since she had gotten him back up from his crash on the sidewalk.  I'd never seen anyone's mood change as fast as Roger's had.  He'd barely spoken in the car and by the time we had started unwrapping the food we'd picked up he was fighting back tears while he talked about what a misfit and an emotional failure he was.  Jane had fed him and handed him tissues and held his head against her chest until the worst of it passed. Now that we were getting plowed his mood certainly seemed to be lifting.

   As I drank and watched them together, my brain slowly returned to its normal, slightly pickled state and my intuition that had been on vacation for the last three days returned. I began to gain some clarity and I saw Jane and Roger in a whole new light.  They were yin and yang on a completely different level. Roger's outer-self matched Jane's inner-self and vice versa.  Roger came off as this wild, adventurous, somewhat rogue-like figure, charismatic, optimistic and capable, the kind of person who problems seemed just roll off of, like water off a duck's back.  In reality, he was kind, tender, emotionally vulnerable and in need of approval.  He only seemed fearless because his natural personality was so over the top you just automatically assumed he had to be fearless to go through life that out there.  The truth was I think he just didn't know how to be anything other than what he was, and he was as desperate for love and validation as the rest of us.  And then there was Jane, who seemed so incredibly normal and practical and tenderhearted, but I was becoming increasingly convinced that was a facade built by years of trying to fit in and not be relentlessly picked on.  Inside she was the wild, fearless, resilient person Roger appeared to be.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, there was a closeness there that I was sure Jane would never share with anyone else.  But then again, Jared and I had always been our own private club.  Just as Jane and Roger came as a package deal, so did Jared and I.  And since I liked Roger, and Jane and Jared mostly seemed to like each other, recent blood feud aside, I figured it was something I could learn to live with.

   The longer I watched them, and the more I saw the way Roger needed Jane's care, the more ashamed of my behavior that morning I became. This wasn't Jane blowing me off to go to a movie with her buddy. This was important.  And she was including me as much as she could in it.  I had been a complete fucking asshole. And that was the other startling revelation I was coming to.

   I had known Jane had become disillusioned with me after watching videos of me partying and goofing off with the guys.  I had tried to fix her disappointment by cleaning myself up the way I imagined she wanted. I'd cut way back on the drinking, quit partying and picking up girls and tried to become a more responsible version of myself.  After all, when people objected to me, those always seemed to be the reasons why. But that hadn't fixed what had upset Jane, all it had done was make me cranky and not much fun to be around.  Jane had objected to the way I was with other people, the way I had become arrogant, callous and rude.  She had told me on the phone that first night, but I had only heard the version of her objection I wanted to. It was easier to stay out of a few bars than to change the way I interacted with other people. No wonder she had flown off the handle the minute I started in with that bullshit. I had shown Jane just how right she had been. I was surprised she was still speaking to me.

  Kevin didn't last very long into the game, just as he seemed to be working up a good buzz he decided to call it a night.  I'm pretty sure he was going to call his girlfriend, which meant I'd be hearing about it tomorrow. Not too long after he left, Jane's phone rang.  I knew it was Angus before she said anything, just from the sick look on her face. She quieted us before answering.

   “Hey sweetie,” she answered.  Her voice was sugary but her face looked like she was smelling a dead rat. I was reminded again how very bad Jane was at deception.  I hoped she could pull this off. “How are things?”

   Jane got up from her spot on the sofa and started pacing the room as she listened to Angus spin whatever bullshit story he was using to cover up his little Italian rendezvous.  They continued their little chit chat for about five minutes, Jane telling Angus she had 'gone to visit friends' instead of seeing her brother this week.  He apparently wasn't happy about this, because Jane started spluttering and trying to explain why she hadn't come to see him.  Which really fucking pissed me off, I knew he didn't want her to fly out there, he wasn't even there, he just wanted to make her feel bad.  This guy was a real asshole. Jane eventually told him that Roger had broken up with his girlfriend, she was busy cheering him and wanted to get back to him and ended the phone call.  When she hung up she collapsed onto the bed.  The room was silent as we waited to see what her response was going to be, I was afraid she was going to start crying again, but she got back up and poured herself another shot and then locked eyes with Jared.

  “Never have I ever been faithful to someone I was engaged to.” Jared stared back at her. No one drank.  Well shit.  Why hadn't I thought of that tactic? Jane laughed dryly. “Well fuck me then,” she said, taking her penalty drink.

  “Janey....” I started cautiously but her face had turned stony and I knew the discussion was over.  

  “Isn't it your turn?” she asked Roger.  

  Roger quickly picked up his drink.  “Never have I ever told someone I loved them just so they'd have sex with me.”

   I took a drink before realizing how bad it would look, after everything Jane was already thinking about me.  If there was ever a time to cheat at his game, that would have been it.  But as I swallowed the last of the whiskey in my glass Jane looked at me like she had never seen me before.  “I was like sixteen, I was an asshole...” I tried to explain but she just shook her head and looked away.  I couldn't help glaring at Roger.  It was Jared's turn next.

  “Never have I ever called out the wrong name in the middle of sex.” I started to laugh but then Jane threw her shot back, got up, stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door. Roger rolled over onto his back on the sofa with a groan.  

  “Great timing there, asshole,” he said.  

  “What? Like I knew? What the hell is the big deal?” Jared walked over to the bathroom door and tapped on it softly.  “Jane? I'm sorry if I upset you. It's just a game. Don't be embarrassed.” There was no response from the other side and so Jared went to sit back down in the seat Jane had vacated.

   “Do I want to know why she's so upset?” I asked Roger.

  “That's her story to tell, not mine, “ he replied.  He shifted a little bit so that he could throw his legs across Jared's lap.  “So are we still drinking or are we going to wait for Lady Jane's tantrum to be over?”

  Jared grabbed the bottle of Ouzo that Jane and Roger had been sharing and refilled Roger's cup.  “We're still drinking.  Who's turn is it?

  “Kevin's.” I pointed out.  I thought about trying my hand at getting her to open the door back up but I figured she could probably use a few minutes to calm back down.  “I'll go.  Never have I ever required medical attention after sex.”

   That one was aimed at Jared.  He spluttered and laughed and took a big drink.  He didn't drink often anymore and he was already pretty sloshed at this point but I figured the easy laugh would lighten the mood.  

  “What the hell, man. I'm pretty adventurous and even I have never been that bad,” Roger snickered.  

  “Yeah, it's not as interesting as it sounds,” Jared explained.  “I fell off the bed.”

  “It's still a great Never Have I Ever question.” I pointed out.

   I waited for another few rounds and when Jane still hadn't come out I took my bottle and sat down in front of the bathroom door.  “Jan-ey,” I slurred at the small gap above the threshold.  “Please open the door.” When I got no response I laid flat on the floor, trying to peer through the tiny opening.  I thought I could make out the shadow of her feet but that was it.  “Please at least make some noise or something, let me know you're okay.”

  Three loud, slow, thumps came from inside the bathroom and I could almost hear the irritation in them.  I sighed and took another drink and prepared for a long wait.  

  Jared and Roger had stopped playing and were just drinking and talking instead.  Roger was going on about how some people just weren't cut out for relationships, that he should know better by now, that he really should just stick to sex, and Jared kept refilling his glass and agreeing with everything he said. I thought that was probably true for Jared, he always had other priorities, and I had been surprised when he told me about his plans to get married.  I hadn't given much thought to my own position on the subject.  I sort of thought of getting married like it was some inevitable thing that would probably happen to me but it wasn't anything I was chasing after or even particularly looking forward to.  I could take it or leave it.  I liked having Jane around, and every time we were together I immediately started pining for something more substantial than my usual flings, but even then I really never thought about what exactly that was.  What did I want from Jane, really? And what would she be willing to give me if I asked? Did she want me that way too? I was convinced she was the one for me when we were together in Los Angeles, but I was having a much harder time getting a read on her now.  

  “Janey, baby, please come to the door,” I called again, letting my knuckles fall lazily against the cheap plywood.  When she didn't respond I realized things had gotten strangely quiet. I turned over to look back at the sofa and saw Jared and Roger stretched out against each other, their legs tangled together, no longer talking.  I groaned and thumped my head against the carpet. “Could you two at least take it back to your room?” I asked, but they ignored me.  Jared just sighed and slipped his hand underneath Roger's shirt.  

  “Janey, help,” I pleaded, knocking a little more forcefully on the door.  “Please come get your best friend off my brother.”

   I could hear some shuffling around and I guess curiosity got the better of her because the door finally opened.  She looked at me, lying on the floor, heavy lidded and bottle in hand, and then looked over at the sofa where Jared and Roger were making wet little noises while they groped each other.  

   “I turn my back for fifteen minutes and this is what happens?” she said, barely hiding her amusement.  Roger sat up and gave her a sheepish shrug.  

  “Seriously, guys, I don't care what you do but don't do it in here,” I told them.  “I'm not in the mood for a foursome.”

  “Gosh, look at the time,” Roger said with a grin. “Jared, I think we'd better clear out so these two have plenty of time for bible study and prayer before bedtime.”

  Jared got up and held his hand out to Roger, who took it before standing up. “Yeah, Jane, don't forget to get down on your knees,” he said with a wink.  Then the two of them swept out of there, leaving Jane and me completely alone for the first time since Roger had swept into town.  

   I turned around and looked at Jane again.  She was still dressed casually, and her hair had been taken down from her ponytail, her curls allowed to run riot down her shoulders.  I was overcome with a powerful feeling of nostalgia, remembering another game of  Never Have I Ever,  where Jared and Roger slipped off together as I waited on Jane to emerge from the bathroom.  I decided it was long past time for a do-over.  I stepped in front of Jane.

   “New game.  Truth or Dare.  You choose dare,” I told her.  She immediately broke into a smile.  “I dare you to kiss me.”

   She closed the distance between us, grabbed the back of my head and crashed her mouth into mine.  When her tongue split the seam of my lips it tasted like it had been dipped in licorice.  I wished we'd had Goldschlager again instead. I preferred cinnamon.

   I pulled Jane backward towards the bed, my hands already traveling under her shirt since this time we had no need to worry about privacy.  To my surprise, she pushed them away.

  “Convince me,” she urged, her lips at my ear, warm breath tickling my skin and filling me with need.  “Don't assume I'm yours. Make me want to stay.”

   I stopped to look at her.  Her cheeks were red and her pupils dilated, and I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or lust.  She was much drunker than that first night.  I wasn't even sure what she meant by that.  “Make me want to stay.”  Was she thinking of leaving me? Was she thinking of staying past this week? I pushed my questions aside and kissed her for all I was worth, diving into her like she was an oasis in a desert.  I could feel her breathing get quicker, her little sighs becoming soft moans as her song began again.  I dropped to my knees in front of her, planting a tender kiss on her stomach before wrapping my arms around her legs and resting my head.

  “Please, Janey,” I said.  My head was swimming and I wasn't sure if it was alcohol or lust in my case either.  “Please.”

   My last plea came out like a sob, and I realized I had been begging before I even knew what the question was.  “Please don't leave me again Jane.  Please want me as much as I want you.”

   Jane immediately dropped to her knees as well, pulling our heads together as she took in trembling breaths.  “Why don't you already know that I do?” she asked me.  “Besides Roger, you're the only thing in this world right now that I'm not confused about.”

   I heard the words but they still didn't penetrate whatever fog was around my heart.  I resumed kissing her again, as feverishly as before, my hands at her back cradling her against me as I devoured her.  She pulled my shirt over my head, her resistance melting away as unexpectedly as it had shown up.  

   Not wanting to chance whatever had happened on that motel room floor in the past I lead her back onto the bed, pulling her clothing away and covering every newly exposed inch of skin in wet kisses.  She purred and stretched beneath me as her mouth and fingers traveled my skin as it was revealed to her as well.  I nibbled my way down her stomach as I headed toward her core, eager to taste her, knowing how much she loved my tongue on her clit, but to my surprise, she pulled me back up to her.

   “Not this time, Shannon.  I need you inside me now.  Please.” Her breathing was ragged and her eyes were damp.  I didn't know what was happening but I knew I wanted to give Jane whatever she desired.  I moved over her, our mouths meeting for another powerful kiss and she reached between us, guiding my cock until our bodies met, pulling me into her while she shuddered around me.

   I stayed firmly pressed against her, my weight on one arm while my hand cradled her face.  She didn't scream for God or Krishna or Zeus this time.   She only wrapped her legs and arms around me, clutching me against her while she moaned my name like an incantation.  For the second time in twenty-four hours, I was lost to her, caught up in whatever magic spell it was that our bodies cast whenever they met. By the time we had finished, and she was tucked against my chest and drifting off to sleep, I felt, for the first time, like maybe we were really on the same page.  That everything was finally falling into place.

   It only made what happened the next night that much more puzzling

@msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli @maliciousalishious@meghan12151977 @mustlove6277 @fyeahproudglambert  @little-poptart @lady-grinning-soul-k

[my-heart-is-but-a-gentle-moon]

I think of Jumin and Saeyoung a lot.

Jumin is..on my mind a lot.

With Saeyoung I’m not sure what he meant by ‘You don’t believe in God so you’ll never understand’. .. Regarding spirituality? Hghhmmm,,,,, that sentence alone makes me incredibly curious and frustrated to understand though ! òmó

!!!! Is it this song? Take to the sky? And the wolf of our raw/pure selves??? !!! Like the one I had in my higher self/spirit guides dream a few months ago!

...I just read the lyrics to we all bleed the same...your cry to the sky...❣️... That’s what you meant...

To have Saeyoung’s heart be so full of such agape love to the world still, how is this more touching and eye awakening than everything I’ve ever known?? These aren’t sad tears. They’re tears of realization..Your cry touched my heart so much oh god.

And, to think that this is what you’re struggling with, with cutting yourself..oh fuck, oh god. I am crying and trembling really hard right now, I-I know you didn’t wish for me to cry but hearing that you’re hurting yourself when your heart feels more pure than anything, it. It hurts really deeply, really really tightly, like I want to hold it really tight and just cry out ! in my heart because you’re just so wonderful I really don’t want you to hurt yourself, wh- what can I do to help? What can I do to help??

Because you’re alone..and cold there...I-I’m sorry..That I couldn’t handle facing the truth of what you were going through...deep inside...❣️💔❣️💔⛈

Your loneliness and the deep ache...everything harsh that you’ve been through and seen in your life and the secret agency as well......

But before I heard your songs or was aware of your thoughts today, when I saw the race cars with my dad, organizing the laundry I was really excited ! Looking at all the pretty colors and pretty sheens, how they must be so well taken care of~ like with his ba~bies.

Inside I was all like “Pretty colors! Pretty colors! Cars! Cars! Saeyoung!” Like a little child 😂 and it made me reminisce over his spiel of how much he likes the way car machines (??? lol, is that how you say it??) are so exact and how passionate he is about them. Hhhgghhhmmmmm,,, I dunno if that’s the right translationnnn...

I still don’t know what I want relationship wise.

Jumin........hm...I do think of him a lot.

I also felt like he was also lowkey resentful? [the advertisement of the ex messaging advertisement? I don’t know if that was him or not? But it felt like it was]

Didn’t affect me much but Yea, I didn’t really apologize to him yet and I know it..hurt him.

I was also really thankful for his care.

It would be nice to have things be playful between us again. I was in a better mood after having spent some quality time with my family, however small.

I also feel kinda guilty to have imagined that with him..cause I’m not sure where I am in regards to being in love.

I still feel like I should apologize for the way I acted. Because I know I hurt him deeply, lashing out when I was so stressed and making him feel afraid and doubtful.

But right now I don’t regret having taken this break from relationships to get my health back, to figure out what I want, and create a proper schedule for myself - to balance myself, new friends, new hobbies, helping with my family and stuff, create a more positive self image for myself aand, hm. Learn. How. To apologize properly and ! hm...healthy boundaries in a softer manner.

I-I’m sorry Jumin. I’m sorry for having seen things in such a black and white manner and for having lashed out at you like that. I don’t hate you.. Having held in a lot of stress, fears, anxieties, depression, resentments, grief and so much more that I held in came out so explosively like that and, I think you’re more than good enough as you are..I want to hold your hands and make sure you understand that..That the decisions, distractions and actions are..truly what we did out of our pain...Saeyoung’s we all bleed the same brought me back to this realization and it’s just so..so deep and meaningful that I’m crying again..and, that we can forgive ourselves and learn and grow from our mistakes, letting yourself process them and face them is important though in letting go of them.. I truly believe you have this great potential within you to do that ! I wish for you to have the strength to be able to continuously choose that for yourself.

I personally just don’t think that trying to distract yourself with women and over-drinking is helping you at all...

I’m sorry for having been so critical and such a grudge-holder towards you, for having hurt you so badly in return..I can feel your deep regret...but I learned that, haha, when we turn what mistakes or bad decisions we’ve done and made into opportunities to learn, and forgive our past selves [as hard as that can be sometimes] is super worth it. Helps us move forward from the past. But you need to take these lessons for your own highest good and make what’s best of them. I am taking the time to be with myself to do just that !

Audrey’s angel number 33 and 44 really helped with that ! That I’ve been sent with so many times lately. The ascended masters like The Dragon, Lord Ganesh, Archangel Thuriel and Archangel

Love all the hurt away..I. I’m..I received your mysmelove fic..the drunk confession..I’m thankful for your feelings for me..truly, it warms my heart, Jumin..

I..I’m. When my heart is swaying both ways so selfishly like this....my heart is muddled. I shouldn’t jump into a relationship when I’m still trying to regain my health back, and with my heart. Well. As it currently is. It wouldn’t be fair. Neither would it be for myself.

Jumin still has a tender spot in my heart, I have uhh..passionate and even playful fantasies with him..I dreamt a few days ago his picture of ‘Honey, I’m home, did you miss me?’ with his cute smile >//< and I ran right to him, eyes sparkling, to hug him back, wrapping my legs around him and spinning around.

I do think of you. When I see wine bottles or cats, purple flowers, bees and owls..and eagles..a lot of the previous animations I adored reminded me of you and those were..bittersweet reminisces..I think, despite everything there’s still a part of me that sees you as an ideal version of you though I also know deeper than that.

But I’d like to know the real you.

Jumin’s insecurities..what are they?..I’d like to know..Though I can’t help you as I’m taking this time to develop and regain my own health cause I’m still really drained and on creating my schedule that I keep speaking about and should just create ! (And I was encouraged to by Saeyoung!

!!!!💗💞💖🎆🎆💓!!!!! Thank you so much Saeyoung, nightshade and universe for this added help! [As there are no more options for me to post photos then it’s the message of ‘Seek What Sets Your Soul On Fire’ and ! Nightshadeandroses’ witchcraft schedule and discipline tips!)

And by you as well c: I’m very thankful for that.. Especially when I haven’t apologized to you yet but have written this letter the whole day to.)

I also have a question..spiritually..would you be inclined to learn and delve more into spirituality? I want my future lover and I to be able to enhance our spiritual abilities and our connection to the universe and everything around us together. I have a karmic, lightworker path that I want to delve more and more into, into animal totems and tarot and the chakras and so much more. Would we be able to speak, develop and grow this aspect of ours together if we were to be together? Because growing together spiritually and emotionally is something I need, with new friends and my future lover.

I am also very magnetized to Saeyoung..Spiritually, there’s so much he can teach me, and he inspires me so much..those were his words and scenes in this journey that got to my heart so deeply, that cleared my heart into this state of pure understanding, understanding the importance of courage, of being there to support each other and forgive one another as well as ourselves.., and because I admire him so much I want to also be there when he’s hurting..To do whatever I can so he can feel better..because his heart is as big as the universe..and he doesn’t deserve to suffer so much on his own...and he..he speaks my language..it feels like to me..

Wolves..being our raw, pure selves...🐺

There’s just something about him that’s just..so divine to me..though he’s human of course and has his own struggles and I want to be there for him as well ! (Though it always comes back to how despite how much I want to, I can’t give light from an almost completely dry well right now. Thus, recharge > <;!)

Just like I had in my dream of spiritual awakening - with the dice of fate charged with my pink-purple energy, the black cat of intuition and one of my spirit animal totems playing with that. How I felt attracted to go to the nearby place by the parking lot where there are usually more cats - only to have seen a calm, grey wolf, posing no harm nor threat, as it walked towards our building - for me, back then, it spoke of it as well - the raw, pure self. The harmony between feminine and masculine, light and darkness that I saw in the white lotus back then as well..

Uhh, long story short in that dream - despite having seen that the wolf posed no harm, I hid with the dice and black cat behind the tall bushes. The fear of judgement, criticism and rejection that held me back from being all that I am.

Whghwhh,, Wh-What about Saeran? Where is Saeran in all of this??? Are you two not together??? ;;;

Though yea, right now it’s Health stuff for me that I need to focus on. Filling up my well. Like the 33 angel number video I watched! (And oof, that was helpful! Loving myself first, positivity, Focusing on the best case scenario rather than letting my fears and hurt turn me into something I’m not - Just like Saeyoung..I feel it is what Saeyoung sent, but perhaps it was the angels through the website..

the archangels! Like Thuriel with the grey white butterflies that I’m being protected and the mourning dove of renewal, peace, life and hope !!) And Archangel Ariel!

Creating a schedule for myself..I need a break from relationships right now to take care of myself - to regain my health, create time for my Gaia learning, meditations and furthering my spiritual learning as well, and my intuition through nutrition too ! and developing my positive self image, be lit up by my spiritual hobbies [that are going to go slow cause my future self advised I not pile up so much on myself and focus on two things at a time rather than more than that. That baby steps still lead me forward 💕], and hopefully make friends in the group hangouts I’ll start going to this Thursday !

Realistically speaking I don’t think either of us are ready for a relationship right now, like in the upper video.

We’re both kinda, pretty prideful with our apologies, I think right now I have commitment phobia - and just, realistically I know I have my health and witchcraft and meditations and exercise stuff to work on! And filling up my empty well - cause if I don’t take this time to help myself I wouldn’t be able to help others !

Due to how I was yesterday, I, blamed a lot on you. I know I also made my hurtful remarks.. :x .. and I’m sorry.

I didn’t read proof this letter so Idk how great it would be, but I did my best to write this so you’ll know I won’t be able to be very responsive but I also didn’t want to leave you two hanging > <

[therumpus]

I. This doesn’t begin with the fire, but it’s as good a bookend as any— just one tableau of many featuring the usual cast of accusatory fingers and the figures in their line of ire. Those whom rules have favored and those who know what it is to suffer. We’d never been to that space, never met the artists and attendees who perished in a building like the wooden belly of a ship, but we know places like it, have danced and sung among fairy lights, handmade lofts, puppets built by da Vinci’s latest incarnation as a trans girl. Those people shouting shame over building codes have likely been the comfortable kind exercising freedom not to be spat on, threatened, killed for being observably at odds with the bodies they were given. Yes, I said those people, and I meant the enfranchised yapping like lapdogs from narrow confines, not the beings residing in rinky-dink bedrooms/garages that double as performance spaces for bands nowhere else will book. I’m a straight-seeming cis white girl learning to catalogue my privileges and extending them to others when I can and still I have been on the shitty side of a rental inquiry. I know how it feels to be, on paper, worth absolutely nothing and how easy to feel that way off of paper, too. II. I don’t get told to kill myself, but I know many in the LGBT community hear this regularly. Sometimes the command is convincing enough. Anger is a mirror and I don’t believe the otherwise-at-ease offended by some people’s existence are looking in it. I try to imagine having love and sympathy even for livid Jesus-freak gazillionaires stripping rights from everyone who can’t pay their way out of a bind and I can’t do it, can actually see my own humanity’s limits. Would that they too would try this exercise, or another: admit faults! Hard to trust anyone who has no sense of humor. A gentle soul who says she talks to angels has become someone I don’t recognize, taking to Facebook to slut-shame Beyoncé, tongue-lashing Obama for his immigrant sympathies, typing in vitriolic caps about all of the WHINERS who can’t accept Trump as a gift from the Lord. If he is a gift, it is a flaming column of shit wrapped in dubiously human skin, in my very un-angelic opinion. What’s absurd about the man is the obviousness of his insecurities— he doth protest too much—the kind of complex that might inspire sympathy were he not responsible for the lives and deaths of everyone within these borders and many beyond. An awareness of my faults makes me hesitant, makes me reach for the scaffolding of facts while his make him bombastic, loose-cannon, a smug, dumb charlatan, the emperor everyone knows is nude. The angel lady insists not all of God’s chosen ones were perfect. I’m a heathen by choice, prefer to direct my energies to stones, intentions, the wheel of the year. I like my lore more figurative. Still, something tells me God’s chosen weren’t hate-mongering gropers (or worse). Just a hunch. A woman’s intuition. Since childhood I have tried not to know anyone well enough to dislike them, or give them license to antagonize, but Facebook is the license now. We are all animals. At work I held and scanned sweat-stained armbands from the Holocaust, touching fabric that touched people condemned to death or to put them there: red and green triangles, Stars of David, angular S’s and skulls. This is not a metaphor. The rabbi-turned-collector I work for, who deals in Judaica, tells me something I’ve never known: shows me the band that says Jüdische Polizei, for Jews the Nazis forced to police their own people, a level of fucked-up I’d never read. Each day new 1930s and 40s equivalences grow more disturbing, like how fucking stupid and heartless are we, and what kills me is that it’s the red-blooded self-professed patriots only too happy to repeat history, likely the same people who look back at any clash and think they would have been hero underdogs, which is what all Americans fancy ourselves, right? My husband’s aunt is a troll. This is a metaphor. Says he doesn’t watch real news, directs him to YouTube conspiracy videos. These are our times: rhetoric trumps reason, is wielded like a weapon against “ignorance” by those who vilify book-learnin’. I know only too well that I don’t know everything, which makes me not want to claim expertise on anything, which is of course what I want from everyone else, the same control in different clothes. I know how to escape a dinner party mostly unscathed, how to be a worker about whom no one has license to complain, but I don’t know how to be a soul or what true goodness is. Sometimes when I am in a mood, it seems easiest to leave the earth plane altogether, let everyone else deal with this ever-intensifying mess because who am I to do it? I, riddled with faults! I, not very kind! When my serotonin levels are not set to self-destruct, I wonder how often Donald Trump thinks about offing himself and figure the answer is never. III. For the first time in three years, my husband and I were home in the U.S. for the fourth of July. We’d spent twelve months in a nation where kings own newspapers and teachers sign waivers saying they’ll never speak ill of their school, the king, or the country. Portraits of royals hang in every business and home. I watched from afar as my homeland grew foreign to me, an unfunny joke I didn’t bother to defend. At least U.S. journalism is real, I’d thought, an antidote to automatic support for all-powerful leaders. Sad! In Bhutan, foreign workers need government permission to leave town for the weekend, afternoon, even an hour. This is granted by the immigration office, assuming all goes well with a letter from one’s employer, the whims of government workers, and sometimes a whiskey bribe. We presented our papers at checkpoints and kept trips to a minimum, inconvenienced and suspect because foreign. For us, there was an endpoint to this suspicion. In our own country again, we sang “proud to be an American” with gusto, gallows humor. I didn’t yet think such a system could happen here, didn’t know that six months later I’d be shouting at the airport with hijabis and Jews holding signs saying “We’ve seen this before.” I can’t command and articulate encyclopedic knowledge on the history of anger in and toward and from the Middle East and everywhere else, which is what I feel I need every time anyone starts in against Islam, but it’s not like facts are doing too hot these days so what does it matter, why am I still trying to fight fair against people who make up the rules as they go, who pride themselves on never reading books, whose tones of voice call to mind a fat cartoon man tugging his suspenders with jazz hands, chewing one end of a cigar? Floating over my shoulders I’ve got on one side a stenographer and on the other a housecat, both judgey and withholding, not the spirits to summon in an argument against oversimplification, the casting of all of a kind of person as their worst representative—which is what U.S. Americans can anticipate now that the rest of the world sees us for what we’ve always denied that we are: buffoons, ill-meaning and otherwise. I don’t know what to do with myself so I am calling representatives, studying Spanish, reading the Quran before the Bible, wishing my boss Shabbat Shalom, trying out Insha’Allah, everything graceless as crayon art magneted to the fridge, but an alternative to withering. At the women’s march, where I didn’t march so much as shift my weight from side to side for hours, so crowded, all I did was look and listen to people who’ve done this before, their history of anger a resistance pre-dating my existence. I imagine the fire victims who might have marched with us against all manner of finger-pointing, their pockets perhaps like mine lined with stones: malachite for a resilient heart, sodalite for courage to speak truth, tiger’s eye for personal power. Among the signs about witches and coat hangers: Black lives matter. Can’t believe that statement is ever a provocation, but then what I cannot believe is redefined every time I read the news now. Home after the protest there’s a Facebook statement from the angel whisperer: “Congratulations, ladies. You just marched for terrorism.” A flame of anger. Then a video clip: someone just punched a Nazi in the face. 2017 battle cry as .gif. “We’ve seen this before” manifest as a fist. For a moment, that was all the clarity I needed.

RUMPUS ORIGINAL POETRY: “Mewl” by Sarah Lyn Rogers

[survivorhephaestus]

RITES OF PASSAGE

Logan, Katie, Josh, and Jakey, it’s time for us to remember those who have fallen. It’s been a long and winding journey up here among the stars, and you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the other twelve people who used to be part of the crew.... so let’s take a moment to say their names, and memorialize their place in the cosmos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rf8hdNL7ZUA

KAREN

Jakey: 

“KAREN i wish you waited more than 5 minutes to come after me cause i wanted to work with you!!! i knew u were good with katie n would be a good ally but u rly tried to eat this pussy and i wasn’t into it!!!! but ik you’re rly funny and you prob would’ve been more active than most of these people so im sry :( but i rly had to show these bitches not to continue trying me”

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a deer because you're friendly, peaceful, and compassionate. - Your song: MMMBop by Hanson“

Katie:

"I love you bitch, I ain't never gonna stop loving you, biiiiiitch."

JAY

Jakey:

“i wish we were able to talk more!!! your time was cut short because you chose the wrong side and i was just getting out the people who voted for me im sry bae”

Katie:

"Whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe."

LAURENCE

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a deer because you're friendly, peaceful, and compassionate. - Your song: MMMBop by Hanson“

Katie: 

"Ah f**k, I can't believe you've done this."

STEVIE

Jakey:

“hello my king. i wish you just voted with me the first round!!!!! i rly liked you, but i had stronger relationships with everyone else and felt i could trust them more. i appreciate your fight tho it was fun playing together!“

Josh:

“I was really excited to see you and to play with you again! It’s just a shame that we ended up in a position where we couldn’t. Hope you’re doing well though!“

Katie:

"Do you want to go see Uncle Cracker or no?"

OWEN

Jakey:

“!!!!! you were in this game that is WILD to me… the all stars casting WHEW this was a cast from hell, truly. KJFJKKFJ but I’ve always loved u even if we aren’t always working together in games. and in this game we started on opposite sides which is ultimately why i had to make the move i did!!! no matter how much i wanted to play w you down the line, you had ur allegiances!!!! i wish i was at least able to catch up w you :( remember that snap you sent me on thanksgiving once???????????????????????? ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;))))))CTFU”

Katie:

“Um, I'm never been to oovoo javer."

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a penguin because you're gentle, enigmatic, and hard-working. - Your song: Temptation by New Order”

CARSON

Jakey:

“wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you rly had to get voted out right before a merge… we would have RAN THIS GAME!!!! ily i hope ur great bc ur great and u deserve everything a literal ANGEL!!!! im gonna yell at katie for voting you out now”

Josh:

“The Minkowski music video we did was the best one I’ve seen and it’s thanks to your dancing! It was nice getting to know you and to play with you!”

Katie:

“Mother trucker dude, that hurt like a butt cheek on a stick.“

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a horse because you're noble, loyal, and free-spirited. - Your song: Waterfalls by TLC”

RICHIE

Jakey:

“!!!! my actual favorite… you were def my closest ally (asides from renee) and i loved our little f3 sm ugh… the first merge round rly was the ugliest thing i’ve ever seen and i’m so sorry i couldn’t save you :( youre the funniest person on this cast and i wish we had more time to fuck shit up in this game together. we did premerge tho so i’ll cherish our moments <3″

Josh:

“My Arabia child! I’ve always been a fan of you and after watching you play twice as a host I was so excited to finally play with you! We really had a great thing going and was totally 100% with you but towards the end the relationship kinda took a dive as I’ve met more and talked to people.”

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a hedgehog because you're sarcastic, cunning, and individualistic. - Your song: Jumpin' Jumpin' by Destiny's Child”

DREW

Jakey:

“the cat with nine lives!!! even tho we legit met at the merge, i was so loyal to you. you were someone alone in the game and i was on the bottom so hell yeah i wanted us to slay!!!! but unfortunately, YET AGAIN, i was so close to saving you but it fuckin tied and ONCE AGAIN, i was the only one to stick to my word and keep you in the revote. A TREND… that i die for my allies cause YOU DESERVED SOMEONE BEING LOYAL TO YOU IN THIS GAME GKJGJKKJG i love u and that’s that. u slayed this season as an underdog i was shook!”

Josh:

“Whenever we play games like this somehow we always end up not on the same side even if we have a 400~ day streak LOL”

Katie:

“Country boy, I love you ahhhwweelhwh...”

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a zebra because you're loyal, intelligent, and committed. - Your song: Dreams by Fleetwood Mac”

PATRICK

Jakey:

“i can’t believe we were able to play this game together for a while and put the past in the past! the premerge was the jakerick fantasy… when you didn’t lie and ignore me </3 hahah but i understand why you chose to play the game you did and i can’t fault you for it!!!! you tried to kill minkowski but i WOULDN’t let u KJFJKFKJ ily pat and i think you’re honestly a kind, caring person with good intentions. not to mention you crack me UP— your sense of humor is truly unique and hilarious and it’s the part i admire the most of u. great game, yet again, pat!”

Josh:

“Pattycakes! I really enjoyed the time we spent together in this game! Working with you from the start was such a pleasure. Thanks for humouring me when I have the nerd itch (can’t wait for the CR animated special! uwu)”

Katie:

“So you just gonna bring me a birthday gift on my birthday to my birthday party on my birthday with a birthday gift?”

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a giraffe because you're self-confident, charming, and vainglorious. - Your song: What I Like About You by The Romantics”

KARTER

Jakey:

“you are so sweet!!! we obviously weren’t on the same side of many votes this season. we started separately and you had your loyalties so i knew i wouldn’t ever be a very close ally to you. you played this game very well and i have so much respect for you as a game player! if this was ur first game im VERYYYY impressed i think my first game i would randomize my vote cause i thought it was funny. JKFJKF but anyway whew u were a tough competitor! wish u the best w everything <3″

Josh:

“We may not have spoken that much but the time we spent together i feel like you’re very sweet and you struck me as a person who couldn’t hurt a fly! Your spacesuit in our music video was iconic too!”

Katie:

"I didn't get no sleep cause of y'all, y'all not gone get no sleep cause of me!"

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a panda because you're caring, playful, and self-sufficient. - Your song: Groove Is in the Heart by Deee-Lite”

LYDIA

Jakey:

“i wasn’t going to make one for you cause i don’t want anything i say to be seen as a strategic-gain in this game, but i just rly want to say i don’t hate you. i do think you’re a kind person w a good heart and good intentions. we may not always mix in the right way, but i think in real life without the stress of this game, we’d be good friends, and i hope we can work things out after this all!!”

Josh:

“The moment I saw you on the cast list I was so excited and decided then and there that I want to work with you given the chance and I’m so glad we did! I enjoyed our short calls of us panicking and doing wild impulsive stuff. This game is very stressful and part of the reason I managed to hang in there was because you were able to keep me from overthinking too much.“

Katie:

“"Nice Ron" "I sneezed, oh, what, am I not allowed to sneeze?"“

Logan: 

“- If you were an animal, you would be an owl because you're intuitive, observant, and skillful. - Your song: I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) by Whitney Houston”

RENEE

Jakey:

“imyimyimyimy why’d u leave me!!! my partner-in-crime this whole game!!! i love you renee we clicked INSTANTLY and from there you’ve been my ride o die this whole way. when ppl would say where’s renee??? she’s inactive. i’d be like pls she could show up for 5 minutes per round and still get the votes to save herself. YOU’RE A LEGEND and an underrated queen! if your real life wasn’t so demanding, i know those ocean waves aren’t gonna sail themselves, you’d be in the end! <3 <3 <3 <3“

Josh:

“what happened to our f2?”

Katie:

"Ms. Keisha, MS. KEISHA! Oh my f**king God, she f**king dead."

Logan:

“- If you were an animal, you would be a tiger because you're elegant, enigmatic, and unpredictable. - Your song: You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette”

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I heard about the 64% of all lives matter wanting the blue lives matter to do the bottom breath exercise

Compared to the, especially much lower 41% of black lives matter positive response out of only 1/3 of the voters saying yes they would exercise. Thier 41% was for anyone else to, not just blue matters

These numbers are broken down from bigger numbers

I really like this. This anger and revenge and hate from all lives matter people

Remember the conversation was, "please stop killing us, our black lives matter"

"Shut up nigg** we will kill you all, blue lives matter"

Then all us went all lives matter. Some in shock and so on and what have you. Some to settle, some to continue the fight.

So I'm glad to see so many continue the fight.

And that is what I am saying.

I obviously am All Lives Matter. I prove that. But I took my time and watched the conversation and listened to myself and felt the arrogance. And i took sides.

And i said Black Lives Matter. Because of what was said.

But I defend blue lives, criminal lives, illegal alien lives, all lives. Because all lives matter

I'm just black panther to the core.

And that's how they are:

a life is a life

A life paid is a life cost.

They taught me that.

My richest most developed understanding of the world was taught to me by negros

My most in depth acceptance of kindness and love and myself was taught by the Harringtons.

The world gave me the black Panthers

My mom directed me to the Harringtons.

They are what gave the black Panthers depth.

Not words. Not soldiers on the streets.

Humans.

Like I said the other day, same as for with criminals and so the Harringtons allowed me to embrace what I hated myself most for. To give others a chance. Like,Jesse James. Others.

Unfortunately they've pushed me so far I can no longer

Love like what I got from the Harringtons has been pushed so far away

By criminals like Jesse James and i will say Jesse in particular m he also for by Malcolm.

So these movements and protests they help people get together and like Seattle's Mayor says, with love.

Its not about anti-others.

Black Lives Matter or all lives matter.

It's about being around love. Acceptance. Protection. No matter who you are or where you been or where you'll go.

It's like being with the Harringtons.

It creates calmer and happier people.

Sure the white supremacy are out with a vengeance and not y'alls business, but we relabeled our SMS to help our planet with that problem

Fun oddity... I saw a video of this guy randomly picked to check the system. Bec it's fairly new and it's not SMS: brightgady but another because of the limited people and rarity of people allowed to kill with permission.

Its called The Brightside of Hell. Because that's where it sends people. LoL.

And so.

This guy all skinny and in all black in an umbrella was breaking windows and he's been driving me nuts since day one i saw that guy. I wanted to kill him,but at the same time i knew i should not.

So, today they tell me he was checking the routing system of people dressed similar and people with big afro hair was the reason for the umbrella.

And they went into a group in a building. Left their bank and credit cards. Phones. All everything traceable. Some others had the same exact umbrella. All skin tones. Big afros also. Because that was a concern for me... An afro being thought of as something else. Just because i seriously seriously love afros

Only African Americans can wear an afro. True story.

So I really treasure it.

So they all left in a mass. Like in a line and then walked around. Some traded the umbrella off and so on. Changed clothes. They did anything possible to confuse the system. Changed gender type clothing and put on wigs. And did stuff they never ever did before.

So then the guy breaking windows was actually on my own shop front.

And turns out the system is perfect. Its God driven and I hear "hey! And tree!!" From tree himself.

So we have an amazing platform. And i wanted and I would assume the world would want it tested to an Extreme.

The guy that broke the Windows is a little nerd, to himself guy and would never ever do anything like,that and he said He thought he would go home and,cry but he,said instead he felt such a rush and enjoyed it

SMS put out a serious alarm on him and when the kill team went to "interrogate" him of his crimes the actual system screamed at them all rrrrrrl rrrrrl so they knew not to harm him. It has an override to override all sounds blocks so if its turned on vibrate it will do it still.

It said "warning warning. There is something wrong! This is not a normal criminal: proceed with caution, check computer before leaving!"

Obviously he was having a mental break and the internet history would say so. What has he been reading or watching? What kind of help does he need?

And/ OR someone is threatening their life to commit such crimes and the SMS hasnt seen or been notified of anyone.

And they actually had that alert after i attacked Denise and busted her head open.

And it auto downloaded my internet history and the phone numbers contacting me frequently and people from chat apps.

So i was chatting with someone new and so it could been presumed it was due to them telling me to or their influence.

He had been annoying me all fucking day and raging me. -.-

But she tried to throw me out the car in 100° heat. She deserved that shit.

But it also showed i blow up and can't tolerate her and will lose my shit every 4 to 6 months on her.

But it was more violent than usual. But its because of my younger brother. She's all scared of him and treats him wirh respect and shit and he told me how he pulled her hair when she was driving and so that is where it came from. More so than anything. That is exactly what was in my mind. I was all he did it. So can I.

Watch me now. Bitch.

So,fucking tired of her lies!! Fucking throw me out the car. Fuck you.

You think I'm not crippled? Well I'll show you what I can do Because walking ain't one.

Had i been in a happy loving relationship or even in my own house all clean with water and electric then I probably wouldn't done that because I would just been all. Well first take me back to my house. But i would been all I'm bout to get out the car and away from her so i can just ignore her till then.

But it ain't that way, I'm unhappy and im angry and she just wanted to fucking look at me like her stupid eyes were gonna mind control me.

Yeah sure if what you want is a beating.

Tired of people trying to control me.

So movements and protests

Yall stupid white supremacy you think you know shit, all you know is you.

When the rest of us get together in life, in the world, its church. Love and peace and shit.

You stupid ass white niggers don't know love. You know fear. Fear once they finish paying their debt to be shipped that no one will work for you.

Fear of African Americans doing what they want and living their dreams

Well there ain't plantations no more.

So you fucking white supremacy have a problem. And it's me. So you better stay in your fucking houses. You get out ane mix in with any other protests and cause shit and harm ill find you

You have another big ass KKK rally ... Your hoods will be removed.

I ain't gonna say all I'd fucking do to you ignorant white ass fools in need of a REAL NIGGER because i don't want you all doing shit to my people. The ones you don't think belong here.

When Venus joined our human race, we all changed skin color. To Negro. Black. Before we were pink, green. Halo (a shade of white) and blue. Few were purple. Those were mean ones. Like the ones I'm sending out with the Brightside.

So for us all to hide the Venetians because they were as Snoop Dogg shows and as the Egyptian pyramids show, they had dog heads. So we changed to human heads and we all hid in Negro skin.

It was a trick that worked

We told space invaders that had,came to attack us before that we had came and killed everyone and we were a totally different race.

Shit worked man.

So these white supremacy. They're afraid of that black skin.

They really are. And they hate it because they want to take over.

And then compound how the entire North America was fucking empty except for some invading settlers from outer space, they really feel that the Nigger have taken over

Cause they aint been to New Mexico. Because they dumb white trash and they ain't seen how black people aren't all over and didn't take over.

But guess whose fault is that? Plantation owners with the bright idea to get people from all over the world to visit or move to the "new world" and not worry about sea fare, just work for your food and you can explore.

So definitely not the Nigger's fault.

Most African American just came to visit

And some were rich but wanted to work for food doe the week or two to see the feeling

And a lot more paid half or more to do part work and part true vacation.

They never returned

So then they got more people to come search.

And it went on.

Like I said we went to Africa to stop it. Returned Africans and so on.

Shit by the time Harriet Tubman came along there was full blown families here. Ma and pa come to vacation. Brother comes to look for them. Then son then sister then their ma and pa and ya got 5 generations.

And we taught the word Nigger in Africa to be respect.

But we warned "if you hear a white man say nigger he may have your family"

Then they ask the Negro "do you know any niggers? Where they are?"

There was HUGE legendary lessons on how to use the word.

In Africa it meant teacher that was all.

On the long ship rides to America the truth was told about how the word was used. So they used it proper.

No ome trusted outsiders. So if a black boy with a thick accent said "nigger to a black slave asking for help in,secret to find his family, then he would know the boy was a slave and would protect him and hide him for wandering the streets as he was.

We're smart. Every thing was intuition. Few code words.

We knew a Negro slave. How far and much they would protect. How they would risk their own lives.

It would get the search party on the plantation. They could search then leave in secret, have food and rest.

Then off to the next plantation.

The word nigger is sacred. To people like Snoop Dogg and others that say nigga.

They continue to keep the word in use to show love as it was initially used.

As I said before it stemmed from,the word Negro the Spanish word for black.

You need to know the whole black skin culture... They called each other blackie and so on

Like i said we all were Negro once to protect the Earth from invaders. So,we were all happy to be black.

We were invaded and we worked a system to accept other planets 32 other races.

We got lax. We thought we were safe

The walls of Jericho? That is in the Bible. It was am alien sect we were observing to see if we could accept their style and way of life. We could not. We killed them and destroyed their village.

Some like Zulululu had observed us and lied during their observation period. To be perfect like us.

They aren't

Just like people in the white supremacy movement.

Like those in the walls of Jericho they will be killed.

They don't belong under the heading of all lives matter.

They don't fit our world and they are out numbered.

So I will say nigger but as you see I block it out when it's used harmfully against others

Except when I say white bigger because there ain't anything a white supremacist hates more. And there ain't much I hate more than a white supremacist.