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forever-fixating · 2 years

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Rewrite the Stars

Summary: Austin is feeling homesick while filming Elvis and gets one hell of a birthday surprise!

Rating: General Audiences

Words: 3.6K (I swear this was meant to be a quick drabble, and yet here I am finishing this at almost five in the morning...oops?)

Warnings: Lots of pining from our boi here

Author's Note: This was written for @foreverdolly. I hope this fills the pining!Austin feels you were hoping for! Perhaps if this gets enough likes (and if school and work permits me), I’ll write a part two! A couple of minor details- I headcanoned Austin here as more of a serial dater rather than anything involving Vanessa. It felt more suitable, given the pining angle I’m going for. Also, I wrote this like COVID never happened because that is a reality I’m sure we’d all love to live in right now. Enjoy!

Austin knew that filming Elvis would be hard. One doesn’t go into a project about a beloved figure of American pop culture thinking it will be a walk in the park. Hell, the months-long audition process made that abundantly clear. But the most challenging part wasn’t the months and months of vocal training, singing lessons, costume fitting, or reading every possible book and watching every video about Elvis Aaron Presley he could get his hands on.

It was being away from his friends and family.

It was just him alone in an apartment halfway across the globe from the place and people he called home. It didn’t matter how many FaceTime calls he made with his sister Ashley or his childhood best friend Y/N or how many care packages they sent filled with his favorite snacks. Eventually, the calls ended, and the snacks were eaten.

His birthday was around the corner, although he was surprised he even registered that it was close. He texted Y/N to see if maybe you would be able to fly down for a quick visit. He even offered to pay for your plane ticket and introduce her to Baz, one of your favorite directors. That morning while he was in hair and makeup, you texted back, “Get me a spot on the soundtrack, and you got a deal!”

He snorted at the reference to the joke you made when he told you that he got the part…after screaming and crying out of excitement and happiness for him. You were the first person he wanted to tell when he got the news. You had been the one that encouraged him to go for the part in the first place. It had become a tradition between the two of you. Celebrating each other’s big moments. He remembered the day you told him about your record deal. He always believed you had the talent to follow your dreams. Growing up, you always wrote poetry and bits of songs, and the two of you constantly played guitar and piano in your room. It was one of the few spaces he felt comfortable enough to be himself. You never got frustrated with his shyness or anxiety, even agreeing to play in the dark to make him feel more comfortable. When you won your first Grammy, he was in the crowd, clapping until his hands ached.

Your subsequent text made his heart sink. “In all seriousness, I wish I could be there for your b-day. (Don’t think I forgot!) But I’m in the middle of recording my next album and my producer is a workhorse. I’m so sorry, Aus.”

“It’s okay,” he texted back. “It’s just 29. Should be done with filming before I turn 30 and we can do that one big!”

You sent back thumbs-up and blue heart emojis, and he tucked his phone into his pocket. There was a small lump in his throat. He closed his eyes for a moment. The last thing he wanted to do was cry over something so dumb. Because it was dumb! People didn’t stop living their lives back home just because he was in Australia. Jobs had to be done, bills had to be paid, and his feeling homesick like a little kid didn’t change that. His sister had sent back a similar response when he asked if she could come for a visit. He told her he understood and to not worry about him.

“Are you all right, Austin?”

He opened his eyes to his makeup artist Trisha looking at him in the mirror. She had a gift for reading his moods. Sometimes, he wished she wasn’t so accurate. He shrugged and mumbled, “Just got a disappointing text from home.”

“Sorry to hear that,” she said. She stayed silent for a moment, brushing more bronzer onto his face. “Want to talk about it?”

The lump in his throat hurt to talk around. “Not really.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day before his birthday, Baz picked Austin up at his apartment. He had a coffee waiting and was listening to the usual Elvis Presley playlist. He had long stopped being surprised by the Australian director’s eccentric nature. What surprised him was Baz didn’t drive them directly to set. Austin looked at the older man and asked, “Where we goin’?”

Baz just shrugged as he flipped on the turn signal. “The airport.”

This confused Austin. He tried to mask this by joking, “Is this your way of telling me I’m fired?”

That prompted a laugh out of Baz. “Nothing of the sort. I’m just picking up a friend. Flying them in for a special cameo for the film. I thought you’d like to tag along.”

“I’m not needed on set?”

“That is the beauty of being the director,” Baz replied with a grin. “I determine where you’re needed.”

Austin picked up the coffee Baz bought him and took a sip. “That’s not ominous at all, Mr. Luhrman.”

The two of you spent the rest of the drive discussing work. What Baz had planned, any concerns Austin may have, and what could be done to fix them. He loved working with Baz. He was unlike any director Austin had worked with previously. The man had a vision but never let that stop him from treating his cast and crew respectfully. Austin’s time in Hollywood had shown him what a rare quality that was in a director.

Before they knew it, they had arrived at the Brisbane airport. Baz had been tight-lipped about who exactly they were coming to get. He was happy he took care of getting dressed this morning. The weather flipped down in the Southern Hemisphere, so he woke up to a cold snap that morning. He put on a navy cashmere sweater Ashley bought him before he left. The closer his birthday got, the more intense his homesickness felt.

Baz parked the car, and the two of them headed inside. They were stopped a couple of times by fans eager for a selfie or an autograph. Austin watched as a young woman told Baz how she was inspired by his work to go to film school. He gave her some words of wisdom and agreed to take a photo with her. It was touching to witness and a lesson on how to talk with fans. Finally, they arrived at the area where people waited for arrivals. Austin turned and asked, “Gonna let me in on who we’re meeting?”

Baz looked up from his phone and simply gestured in the distance. Austin turned to where Baz was pointing and thought his heart would stop. It was Ashley and Y/N! They were here in Australia! Austin turned back to Baz, who simply said, “Happy birthday, son.”

Austin wasted no time sprinting toward the two women. He pulled his big sister in for a hug first, squeezing her tight and saying through tears, “If this is a dream, I hope I never wake up.”

He felt Ashley rub his back. “This is very real, little brother. And you have Baz and Y/N to thank for all this.”

He pulled away from his sister to see you standing there. Your eyes were glassy with tears even as you joked, “Well if you weren’t going to get me on the soundtrack, I figured I had to do it myself.”

Austin choked out a laugh and picked you up, spinning you around and squeezing you tight. His nickname for you growing up was Tink because of your tiny frame and fiery temper. When he finally set you down, he looked down at you as you explained, “Me and Ashley have been worried about you lately. You seemed really blue. So, I did the L.A. thing: I had my people reach out to Baz’s people and ask if we couldn’t arrange a surprise for your birthday.”

By this point, Baz had joined all three of you. He clapped Austin on the back and said, “I know that the Method is all the rage in Hollywood, but I don’t see sense in tormenting yourself needlessly. We can put production on pause for a little bit. Spend some time with these beautiful women who love you very much.”

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That night, the three of you decided to stay at Ausitn’s place and order takeout later that evening. You were slightly more experienced with jetlag, but Ashley required a late afternoon nap. That gave the two of you time to catch up. Austin asked how work on your new album was going and just let your voice live and in person wash over him. You wore one of his t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants. Your hair was in a messy bun on top of your head, and your face was covered with one of those Korean skincare masks you loved. But to Austin, plain or dressed for a red carpet, you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

He had always been a little in love with you. The timing never seemed to be on his side enough to make a move. As a teen, he was intimidated by your sudden rise to fame through MySpace. One day, you were posting songs you wrote, then suddenly, you had a record deal and were playing across the country. The last thing you needed was some awkward guy next to you whose biggest claim to fame was bit parts on iCarly and Hannah Montana.

As you both got older and started dating people, Austin figured maybe the two of you were meant to be just friends. He remembered watching a movie with that phrase as the title and the rant you went on after the movie ended.

“I swear to God,” you raged, “guys feel like just because they have feelings for a woman and treat her like a human being, that makes them entitled to sex with us! It’s disgusting! ‘Nice guys finish last’ is such misogynistic bullshit.”

You looked at him after finishing and squeezed his arm. “I’m so glad you’re not like that, Austin. You are rare among your gender.”

He never wanted to be that for you, either. He loved you as a person before he fell in love with you. The last thing he wanted was to be another creep trying to get into your pants. You had a long-term boyfriend, Trevor, who Austin could not stand. He was also a musician, and you met while on tour for your second album. It seemed like a match made in heaven. But Trevor had a nasty habit of comparing your careers, with his being more “legitimate” because he didn’t have to use the internet to become successful. It was a point he learned not to bring up around you or Austin unless he was ready for an argument to ensue.

“You know you’re going to have to introduce me to Tom Hanks,” you said, your eyes bright with excitement. “You know Forrest Gump is one of my favorite movies of all time. God knows how often I’ve watched Toy Story, Sleepless in Seattle, or You’ve Got Mail. I practically grew up with Tom Hanks!”

Austin grinned. “Ah, and so the true motivation for this trip emerges.”

“Oh, you were just a great bonus,” you teased as you removed your mask and massaged the excess product into your skin. “I’m here to see Woody.”

Austin laughed. Your presence melted away all of the angst he had been feeling lately. His whole body felt relaxed and at ease for the first time in months. At this moment, he didn’t have to worry about being ready for the set or rehearsing the same sequence for hours on end. He could just be Austin.

He reached out to squeeze your hand. You smiled and squeezed his back. His voice cracked as he whispered, “I’m so happy you’re here.”

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” you replied.

You reached out to pull his head down and kissed his forehead. He couldn’t stop himself from encircling your wrist with his hand as you did. You pulled away slightly, and for a moment, you both breathed the same air. Your eyes connected. It could be so easy. He could just lean forward and do what he had been dreaming about for ages. He rubbed your inner wrist and found a racing pulse. You were so close. But…he wouldn’t do that to you. Austin knew how you felt about cheating, no matter how innocent the act was.

He was the first to break the moment. Clearing his throat, he pulled away and said, trying to force a laugh, “Don’t let Trevor hear you say that. How’s he doing, by the way? Still on tour?”

Something fell over your eyes at that moment. Before he could question it, you laughed harshly and said, “Yup, still touring. I think he’s still pissed because I told him I didn’t want his help on my next album. He’s been weird since I helped improve one of his singles by making it a duet. So now he’s needlessly looking for “improvements” in my work.”

Leave his sorry ass, Austin wanted to snap. You’re twice the songwriter he will ever be, and you deserve someone who recognizes true talent. The words were on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he said, “I’m sorry. Maybe it’s just a rough patch?”

“Yeah, maybe,” you replied. “But…they seem to be coming more frequently here lately.”

Scrubbing your face, you jumped up and said, “Bleh, enough about Trevor. Let’s see if Ashley has recovered enough so we can order something to eat. I’m starving!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People could never say that Baz Luhrmann was a subtle man. For Austin’s birthday the following evening, he rented a restaurant with an adjoining karaoke bar. This surprise party had been well-planned. Catherine even decorated the space and ensured the manager secured any recording devices from non-guests. When the trio arrived, Austin hugged Baz and Catherine and thanked them for such kindness and generosity. Ashley wore a dusty rose off-the-shoulder dress with an A-line skirt that looked gorgeous. You looked stunning in a black cocktail dress inspired by Breakfast at Tiffany’s, complete with an updo and tiara. When you finally emerged from Austin’s bedroom, he mumbled, “Hello, gorgeous.”

You winked and said, “Thanks, but wrong movie.”

There was the usual dinner and giving of gifts. Baz, Tom, and others gave speeches, praising Austin so much that by the end, he was a puddle of tears and emotion. At the end of the dinner, he couldn’t say more than, “Thank you for all over this. Making this movie and being here with all of you has been one of the best experiences of my life. I will carry it with me and treasure it always.”

Once the dinner concluded, the party moved to the karaoke bar. Baz and you, as Austin figured, got along like a house on fire. Both of you were music nerds and kept trying to outdo each other in karaoke performances. You won the night with a spirited rendition of Tina Turner’s Proud Mary that saw your heels kicked into the crowd, your updo wholly wrecked, and Olivia holding your tiara as she screamed and cheered. As you exited the stage, Baz stood and bowed, saying, “I know when I’m beaten. Now, what’s this about you wanting to be on the soundtrack?”

A few others took turns on the stage. Dacre, Luke, and Adam tried to sing together to Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl. Tom and Rita sang I Got You, Babe before bidding everyone good night. Olivia, Ashley, Catherine, and you giggled through Wannabe by the Spice Girls. After the song ended, Olivia, Ashley, and Catherine teetered their way back off stage, but you remained. Putting a hand on your hip, you said into the microphone, “Mr. Butler…you are the only one who has not sung this evening. It’s time we fixed that. Get your ass up here!”

Everyone began chanting Austin’s name until he shrugged off his jacket and tie and joined you on stage. You had a look on your face that seemed both nervous and excited. Ever the performer, you turned back to the crowd and said, “Now, D.J., before you start the song we spoke about earlier, I wanna tell everyone here a little story about Austin and me.”

“Oh Jesus,” Austin said loud enough that the mic picked him up.

“Hush you,” you smacked his shoulder. “Anywho, me and Austin have a favorite pastime back home of watching bad movies together. It’s kind of like Mystery Science Theater 3000, snarking comments and all. Well, one of our favorites to watch is The Greatest Showman.”

This prompted boos and shouts from the crowd, to which you replied, “I know, I know. The movie made over a billion, and Hugh Jackman is your national treasure.”

You paused to allow people to cheer for their man before continuing, “But as an American…the movie is ridiculous. P.T. Barnum was a dick who did not deserve the talents of Mr. Hugh Jackman! But that soundtrack fucking rules! There would be nights when Austin and I couldn’t sleep, and we would drive around L.A. screaming that soundtrack at the tops of our lungs!”

You finally turned back to Austin, and he felt butterflies in his stomach. You smiled at him as your voice softened. “So we’re going to sing you of those songs tonight. Apologies in advance to Zendaya and Zac. May you never see this.”

Oh, Jesus…it was that song. You motioned for him to come closer. The butterflies were now a hurricane. He was about to sing a love song in front of a crowd of people to the woman he wanted more than anything. What could possibly go wrong?

“You know I want you,” Austin began, his voice shaky with nerves. “It’s not a secret I try to hide. I know you want me. So don’t keep saying our hands tied.”

A few people cheered, sensing his nerves. He grinned, and as the verse progressed, he felt his confidence growing. The two of you had watched this movie so many times, you began doing a facsimile of the scene from the film on stage. You kept your eyes downcast, your body turned away from him, as if you were fighting against this as much as you wanted to give in. At last, you came together at the end of the chorus, Austin going so far as to put his hand around your waist and tuck your hair behind your ear as he sang, “So why don’t we rewrite the stars? Maybe the world could be ours tonight?”

You took the microphone from the stand and took a giant step back as the music continued. Austin could hear his heart pounding in his ears. The look in your eyes reminded him of the look from yesterday. You lifted the microphone and sang, “You think it’s easy? You think I don’t want to run to you? But there are mountains and there are doors that we can’t walk through.”

You began walking along the edge of the stage and gesturing to the crowd as you continued to sing. Austin followed you as he felt the desperation behind the song's words for the first time. As you sang the chorus to the audience, he led you back to the center of the stage. And what’s more, you let yourself be guided back. You placed the microphone as the chorus ended, and you both began belting the bridge.

“All I want is to fly with you! All I want is to fall with you! So just give me all of you…”

There seemed to be something in your voice as you sang of this being impossible. Was he making this up? Was it just the two of you committing to the bit, as it were? The edges started to blur for Austin. Were they blurring for you too?

“You know I want you,” you sang finally, your voice just as shaky as he was at the song's beginning. “It’s not a secret I try to hide. But I can’t have you. We’re bound to fate, and my hands are tied.”

Both of you were startled when everyone began cheering. In those brief moments, they seemed to fade into the background. Before Austin even had time to process what the hell happened, you said into the microphone, “And that’s enough from me. Austin, thank you for humoring me. Maybe we can get him to sing an Elvis song next?”

He was shell-shocked as you hurried off stage to rejoin Ashley and Olivia. He wanted to follow you. He wanted to take you somewhere quiet and private and ask a million questions. What did you mean by that song choice? Were you trying to tell him something? But before he could even think of what to do first, he heard the all-too-familiar chords of Jailhouse Rock blast from the speakers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days after you and Ashley returned to L.A., he got an email from his big sister. She had recorded your performance of Rewrite the Stars that night. The only text in the email stated, “If this is anything to go off of, I think you can, baby brother. Don’t waste this moment.”

Author’s Note: So…do we need a part two? Let me know down below! Likes, comments, and reblogs are cherished and adored.

#austin butler #austin butler x reader #elvis 2022 #fanfiction #rpf #writing #forever-fixating

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anotherpage-inthe-book · 1 year

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March 30th - April 25th

April 5th 2023

Apologies in advance cause this post is going to be lonnnnnnnng but I have chosen to share something very personal and real. So here it goes;

I always knew I wanted children. I have known ever since I was old enough to comprehend what having children & a family would actually mean. I was always set on having a baby the good old fashioned way. Toughing it out and delivering vaginally. Of course, I always understood that things could happen and that circumstances could change. Although, that couldn’t happen to me... right? Wrong.

When I first found out I was pregnant with our daughter, I was in disbelief. I think I bought about seven or eight pregnancy tests because I was in such disbelief at the first one. The initial feeling of ‘oh my god’, quickly turned into, ‘OH MY GOD I’M HAVING A BABY!’. I went into our room and told my partner (let’s call him J) I needed to talk to him about something. After he had finished up on his computer, I held out 3 positive pregnancy tests. J said, “Why are you showing me your positive COVID test”. He quickly realised it wasn’t a COVID test and he was over the moon.

Fast forward to being 33 weeks pregnant; I had done all of my scans. Which showed normal growth, normal sizing, and most importantly, a healthy baby. I had done not one, but two glucose tolerance tests. I found them not to be as bad as what everyone says they are. It just tastes like really strong lemon cordial. I had all my blood work come back normal, with just a minor iron deficiency. This is very common in pregnancies because bubba gets majority of it. I had just finished at my last growth scan and was headed home. I was feeling good, I had just seen my baby girl and was told/shown that she was measuring well and was healthy. As to be expected, I had gained some weight from being pregnant. Although, I was just happy that our baby was getting the nutrition she needed.

It was about 9:30, just after my Mother was due to start work, when I started to get a headache. So I had some water and went to bed. I woke up around midnight with a pounding headache, seeing stars in my vision and just feeling unwell and not myself. I messaged Mum and told her what was going on. She told me to get J to help take my blood pressure, have some Panadol & water and lie down with calming rain sounds to help. J helped me do my BP, which I thought was relatively okay (given I was a tad agitated and in pain from my headache). So I did what Mum told me to do and went to sleep. Woke up the next day and was feeling my normal self, so I went about my day as normal.

That evening, I started to feel the same way that I felt the previous night. This time, I kept it to myself. I thought it would go away just like it did the night before. Around 5/6pm, I went outside and sat in the pool because this strange feeling just wouldn’t go away. I spent a good 30-45 minutes out there. I went inside for dinner and to chill out whilst I tried to figure out what was causing me to feel so off.

Mum and I sat in the lounge room, watching TV, when she asked me if I wanted her to do my blood pressure. She asked because I was looking agitated and uncomfortable. She did it, and when I looked at her to ask how it was, she had this smile on her face. It was the type of smile one gives another person when they are trying to dull down how serious a situation. I asked Mum if it was good or bad. She just said, “I think you need to call the hospital and see what they say.” My blood pressure was 180/100mmHg. Which is very, very high.

I rang the maternity ward at the hospital. Sure enough, they said I needed to come in as soon as possible. We quickly packed a small bag with all the essentials for a SHORT hospital stay. I thought that we would only be in overnight and maybe the next day. When J and I got to the hospital, the first thing they did was reassess my blood pressure, take a urine sample, and some blood tests. All came back elevated. My blood pressure remained alarmingly high. My urine test came back with elevated protein and my bloods were marginally worrisome. I just kept asking if the baby was okay. I kept asking if this was causing her distress and what we could do to stop it. I was given medication, after medication, to try and bring my blood pressure down. However, nothing was seeming to work definitively. After multiple doses of anti-hypertensives, my blood pressure started to plateau around the 140-150’s. This was still not ideal, but better than what it was. I was feeling like rubbish at this point because of the anti hypertensives, pain medication, antacids, and anti nausea medications I had been given.

Our doctor came in at around 1am. She was was able to give us some news that, quite literally, made me sick to my stomach. It was from nerves, stress, and an entire range of other emotions. I was diagnosed with sudden onset severe pre-eclampsia. She told me that, if left untreated, could be fatal to Bub and I.

Preeclampsia is a complication of pregnancy which is detected by women having high blood pressure, high levels of protein in their urine (that indicates kidney damage) and/or other signs of organ damage such as epigastric pain (indicating the liver damage). The doctor then told me that I would be staying for almost 2 weeks. However, it ended up being a few days longer. It was all starting to make sense and fall apart, simultaneously. My general feeling of being unwell, the headaches, the rapid weight gain and fluid retention (I probably tripled in size within a week due to fluid retention which was a big yikes), the blurred vision and visual disturbances; the lot. And I was sick, I mean physically I threw up after we were told. I think it was from anxiety but it was probably because of all the medications I had been given. Our doctor reassured us and tried to calm our nerves, but I know I was out of my mind worried about bubba. As was J. Funnily enough, our daughter was healthy and unaffected by what was going on & it was my body that wasn’t coping however that very well could’ve changed at any given time.

That first night I would like to say was the worst it got. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. I was admitted to the maternity ward the next day where we received nothing but the best from the midwives. They were kind, caring, and were always checking in on us to see how we were coping. I think it was because they could see the mental and physical toll it was taking on not only me, but J and my Mum as well. During my stay on the ward, I had multiple different tests and scans to monitor by blood pressure, kidney, liver functions, and my overall health. I won’t lie, I really was unaware as to how unwell I was and how serious the situation was.

Due to the severity of my preeclampsia, we were told that our daughter would probably have to be born early around 37 weeks. At 37 weeks, a baby is considered to be full term. They have fully mature lungs, as the baby is getting ready to be born. I had asked the doctor, and the midwife, if it was still possible to follow our birthing plan of having a water birth. Unfortunately, as we were now a ‘high risk’ pregnancy, a water birth was out of the question. Then came the question of, "will I be able to have a vaginal birth with our baby?". This was an aspect of pregnancy that I was actually very eager to be able to experience. Originally, I wanted a water birth with as minimal medical intervention as possible. I felt like, as painful as Labor may be, it would be equally as beautiful to be able to bring our daughter into the world this way. My treating doctor told me that, although labor was not impossible, it was highly unlikely that I would be able to safely go through labor. She explained that I would likely need to have a caesarean. I was obviously 100% on board with whatever our little baby needed to be happy and healthy, but it still felt like I was stripped of having the birthing experience that I wanted.

It was a few days after I was admitted that we were informed that we wouldn’t be able to make it to 37 weeks. The doctors were worried my body and organs would give up due to the stress they were under. I said to the doctors I would at least get to 34 weeks (which was 4 days away). They were hesitant to wait that long. I thought I would be able to, because it was only just a bit of high blood pressure right? Clearly I was in a bit of denial about everything. Over the next few days, I had multiple blood tests, CTGS and vital signs attended. All showing that my body was struggling. My liver functions were declining. My kidneys were struggling. I was struggling to move due to the fluid retention. I was having issues breathing and doing everyday activities that I usually would’ve been able to do independently. My blood pressure, although much more controlled due to being on two different anti hypertensives 4-5 times a day, was still elevated. The CTG’s weren’t bad, but they weren’t good. So I was sent for an ultrasound to check on the baby’s measurements & they showed that the baby was measuring smaller than expected. Meaning she wasn’t getting everything she needed to grow healthily. That’s where I actually became concerned.

It all came to a head the morning of the 05/04/23, after a shitty sleep and another 2-3 hour CTG tracing. Mum had stayed overnight with me (she and J often took turns doing this). I turned to her and said, “I can’t do this anymore”. She could already see how exhausted I was (physically and mentally). I made a decision to let the treating team know that I needed something to be done that day. We weren’t seen by the initial obstetrician. Another obstetrician (let’s call him Doctor A) who works along side the obstetric team came to review me. Straight away, he asked how long the CTG trace had been trending that way. He asked how long it had been on for, if anyone was monitoring it, and what was the point if nothing was being done about it. The doctor asked me a few more questions about how I was feeling. They asked if I was I struggling, coping, etc... I told him that I was trying to make it to the 34 week mark, but I was unsure how much longer my physical and mental health could last. He left to discuss things with ‘the team’ and to see if a decision would be made that day. Around lunchtime, Mum and I had just taken a bite of our sandwiches when Doctor A came back. He asked how I felt about having a baby that afternoon. It was a definitive ‘let’s have a baby’. Mum and I (more so Mum who is a midwife and wasn’t letting on just how unwell and dangerous my situation was) felt relieved. Someone had decided on a plan, instead of just sitting and waiting.

That afternoon, after a quick phone call to J telling him to get his ass to the hospital ASAP, I was prepped. We went downstairs where we were about to meet our little girl. After about 45 minutes of trying to be cannulated, I was wheeled into the theatre room. They told me what the process would be, how long things would take, etc... It was time for me to have a spinal anaesthetic (that thing with the big needle. The one that numbs you so you don’t feel anything. Yeah... That thing...). I will admit that it was not as bad as I expected. It took two tries, but the most unpleasant part of it was losing feeling and control of my legs so fast. I still had to try and move around to get into position, but that’s just me whining. It all happened pretty quick after the spinal anaethetic. Or that’s how it felt to me at least. The anaesthetist asked us what we would like to listen to, music wise, whilst the procedure was happening. Obviously, it was a no brainer. The 1975 was the only option. Before we knew it, the doctor was telling us to "look up... look here....", and there she was. Our little girl. She was looking like a “mandrake” from Harry Potter, but she was healthy, breathing on her own, and squawking.

I think I was in some kind of trance or something, because it was all feeling so surreal. I mean... This little bundle of love wasn’t due for another month and a half. Yet here she was wrapped up in a blanket and in her Dad's arms. It's safe to say that I was in a bit of shock, but the best kind. It was a pretty quick ending of the caesarean. I was stitched back up and sent round to recovery, whilst Dad and Bub went to the special care nursery. This is where we would spend the next few weeks. I think I was delirious after everything happening so quickly, but I was stable. When I was taken back to the ward, the first thing I asked was "When can I see bub?" and "How is she doing?". Being wheeled back into an empty maternity ward room without my husband, my mother , or baby was very confronting. I felt alone, but not upset, because I knew they were with my baby girl. I felt really good. I think it was the best I had felt since I had been in the hospital.

However, after I returned to the ward, my midwife attended my vital signs. My blood pressure and other symptoms resulted in her calling a medical emergency. I was given more medication and they increased my observations overnight. Unfortunately, I had another medical emergency. They sent me back to the birth suit for 1:1 care. I had a 24 hour magnesium sulfate infusion running (to help bring down my blood pressure). I had a catheter re-inserted (was not a happy little Vegemite) and I spent the next 24hours having half hourly vital signs, hourly catheter output/input measures, and barely any sleep. This entire time, I hadn't even been able to hold my baby yet. I had minutes with her briefly, after she was born, before she was wrapped up and sent up to the special care nursery. It was a lot to internalise. I felt guilty because I hadn’t been able to cuddle our little girl since she had entered the world. During the night spent in birth suite, the midwife that took care of me was nothing but an angel. She could obviously see the toll that not being able to see (or hold) our baby was having on me. She could see how uncomfortable I was with being pricked, prodded, and my catheter blocking. I think it was just after 11pm when, after checking my blood pressure, our midwife said we could go and see our daughter. She would have to accompany us as I had IV’s running and I would have to go in a wheelchair, given my recent surgical wound and how unwell I was.

Seeing our little girl in the incubator, with an IV line in (along with all the other lines), was the hardest thing I think either of us have had to see. Seeing a little baby with lines and tubes in is hard; but when it is your child, I think it just stings that little bit more. Our daughter weighed 1780 grams when she was born. Our daughter had a nasogastric tube inserted, as she was too little to breastfeed or bottle feed. This was another blow, as I felt like I was letting my baby down by not being able to breastfeed. She was given IV glucose drips until she decided to yank her IV out. Just like her mother, she gave the doctor’s a challenge to reinsert the IV. Ultimately, they gave up because she was doing so well on just her 3r hourly feeds via the feeding tube. Her feeds were majority expressed breast milk, but in the beginning days (when my milk supply was just coming in) she had formula as a substitute. It was a relief that once my milk did start flowing. I was able to express and bottle it for her without any issues. I think we had about 6-7 litres of frozen breast milk in our freezer at one point. It was one less thing to worry about, given everything we had going on. Our daughter spent almost 4 weeks in the special care nursery. She recieved the absolute best care possible. I cannot thank the nurses and midwives enough for the care they gave my daughter & I. After those four weeks, we brought our little girl home. She looked a little bit funny sitting in such a big car seat.

4 weeks of visiting the hospital at all hours of the day. The hours spent holding our baby girl, giving her the tube feeds, changing her nappies, leaving the hospital in tears, feeling like the world was against me and sleepless nights at home wishing our baby was at home with us; it was a very tough time. I remember speaking to J in the hospital cafeteria “I feel like the world is against me, like I’m the butt of a bad joke and it’s not fair”. The guilt I felt over leaving our girl... I would leave the hospital either in tears, or angry at the world for our situation. I felt a lot of emotions at once. I was feeling guilty for not being able to hold my new baby and have a normal first interaction with our daughter. I missed out on the first few hours of skin to skin contact... Just because I was sick? I was angry at myself for being unwell and I felt like I had let our daughter down, beause I wasn’t there. I still get angry at times over this and it’s still something I have to deal with on the daily.

I take my hat off to all midwives, special care nurses, and neonatal nurses. I could not do what they do. Our daughter received the absolute best care from the most beautiful people in the special care nursery. We were reassured and checked in on every time we were there. They had offered support, given education, and assisted with her care when it was our turn to take the ropes. Those amazing people will always hold a special place in our hearts. I will never forget the kindness and care given to our family, especially when I wasn’t well enough to be able to.

I spent two weeks in hospital being pricked with needles, having constant CTG’s to monitor the baby, multiple blood tests, scans, and had numerous sleepless nights. I even had two emergency calls due to my BP being elevated. I had sudden weight gain and large amounts of swelling all over my body. The swelling was not just in my legs, but my arms and fingers as well. My hands still tingle from time to time due to the swelling and carpal tunnel I experienced. I was retaining large amounts of fluid, which was shown by my size and by how difficult it was for me to physically move. I have never felt so humiliated and disgusting. I relied on others to be able to help me move, wash, and do everything I am usually able to do.

I have never thought so lowly of myself. I refused to look in the mirror in the bathroom because I thought I looked disgusting and gross. I still felt this way after being told it wasn’t actual weight, it was the oedema that caused me to get so big. I have to continue to remind myself that the strectch marks and baggy skin is a normal part of pregnancy. I have bruises and scars from constantly being stuck with needles, multiple cannulas, and having blood tests. My liver functions and renal functions are only now starting to improve. However, I’ve had multiple follow ups with doctors from different departments and my GP to monitor these. I physically feel weaker. I can feel when my muscles are close to giving up, but that is slowly starting to change since I started exercising again. I struggle with anxiety from leaving the house, wondering if our daughter is unwell, and taking her out in public. Although, I am starting to slowly get better at managing these anxieties. I am still struggling to deal with how my body looked/looks now. Body image has always been a big issue for me. It will be an ongoing process, but one step at a time. Walking by myself, and walking with our daughter, has helped me cope with a lot of these negative thoughts. It has helped my mental and physical health immensely.

I’m slowly learning to accept that, while I might not have experienced giving birth how I would’ve liked, I am so very blessed and thankful to have a healthy and happy baby girl. She is thriving and becoming her own (very small) person. I have been left with some physical and mental scars from this entire ordeal, but I remind myself everyday about how lucky I am. I'm a Mum and our baby made it home safely. It has taken my almost 3 months for me to finally finish writing this. It brought back a lot of negative thoughts and upsetting memories, but getting my thoughts out on paper has helped me process this traumatic (yet wonderful) experience. It’s also made me so thankful that our little girl, who is just like her Mumma, is tough and resilient. Seeing her smile and laugh, makes everything I went through worth it.

#postpartum #birth story #pregnancy #ptsd recovery

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emmashouldbewriting · 2 years

Note

I went digging about E&B's living situation and this is all I could find:

Eugenie and Beatrice shared a 4 bedroom apartment at St James’s. Bea got the apartment when she started uni in London and lived rent-free until 2012, when Andrew had to start paying rent, £20k a year (commercial rates were between £100-150k/yr). Ahead of Euge's wedding to Jack, they moved to Ivy Cottage at KP grounds. Bea stayed at SJ, Edo moved in, they bought a house in Cotswolds in 2021 and moved there in November 2022. It’s possible they still have some London place since Bea is often papped in London.

Euge and Jack moved to Royal Lodge around Covid, in Summer 2020 went back to Ivy Cottage and in late 2020 moved to Frogmore Cottage and stayed there only for 6 few weeks. Allegedly H&M wanted E&J to pay them rent and pro-Sussex source said they wanted to extend the lease so the family knew they weren’t going to disappear. This is an interesting H&M quote from May 2022 btw: „by agreeing to extend the lease, and with Jack and Eugenie focusing on Portugal, they have a firm presence smack-bang in the middle of Windsor Court where it’s all happening. They can now come and go any time they please. The coming year could be one of the most tumultuous in royal history and the Sussexes are making sure they have a foothold in Windsor.”

After moving out of FC in January 2021, E&J went back to RL and 2021 is when things get murky, I couldn’t find any reports, there were some articles that said they lived at FC again until 2022, who knows.

Early May 2022 is when things get interesting again, there are first reports of then-Cambridges moving to Adelaide Cottage and York sources come out saying that Euge and Andrew tried to secure the cottage for her and would have if it wasn’t for Andrew’s scandals. Then the same month it’s announced that E&J will move to Portugal for Jack’s work and will use Ivy Cottage again as their UK base.

Now we’re in 2023 and according to OK! Magazine, so I’m going to take it with a grain of salt, tho some parts are quite interesting. E&J moved back to FC in February and H&M couldn’t be happier that they took it over, Andrew is also happy that Euge got it, E&J packed up H&M’s items and when they visited, also in February, they brought small personal belongings, E&J want their kids to be brought up in England but also want to split time between England and California and will be staying in Montecito with H&M.

Anon, you are a little investigative genius! Thanks so much for all this. I think that if Eug had Frogmore, it would have come out for sure around the leaks about the lease ending. All we got was Andrew instead, and it feels like Andrew would get it over her, to be honest. I can see her packing up their stuff, but we've heard so much about Eug's living situation.

Like I said earlier, anyone who isn't paying market rent now, soon will be. Charles is cleaning house.

As for this: "The coming year could be one of the most tumultuous in royal history" - boy were the Sux right, but it seems to be moreso for them than anyone else!!

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hypnofur1 · 2 years

Text

Friendsgiving

by Hypnofur

I’ve been with Julia for six years, so I knew that look well. It was the look that told me I was in big trouble. Maybe it was the “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed in you” look. Whatever it was, I knew it was not good for me.

“Jules, it was weird, I know, but let’s not let it ruin the Holiday”, I pleaded. The holiday in question was Thanksgiving, or “Friendsgiving” as it was this year. Julia’s parents were taking advantage of the recently loosened travel restrictions and had gone overseas. They told Julia she was welcome to host her Manhattan friends for Thanksgiving at their opulent Connecticut estate. Julia was very into the idea. We had done Friendsgivings for the last few years, with this exception of Covid of course.

All of our (her) cool, swanky friends were invited. She told me I could invite whomever I wanted, but we both knew that wasn’t really the case. However, she was quite surprised when I told her that I was bringing Douglas, one of the guys from my firm. Frankly, I was surprised I was inviting Douglas too. He was a few years older than us, and frankly a little off-putting. I had been working long hours with him on a case over the last few weeks. I don’t even know how I got the idea, it just sort of happened.

“It wasn’t just weird Bryce, it was wrong!” Julia said in an ice cold, stern tone. Those were the worst ones. All the guests had now left, headed back to the city, so the pleasant façade was gone.

“Jules, we got hypnotized. It was a party trick. We are fine now. It was no big deal.” I told her, hoping she’d buy it.

“We are not fine now. I was embarrassed in front of my friends” she said. This time with a bit more passion. I could tell she was upset.

“Jules, most, if not all, of them went under too. Douglas is very talented.” I reassured.

“That’s not all Bryce!” She said in a loud whisper. If you’ve ever heard a loud whisper, you know what I mean. “I’m still thinking things…”

“What does that mean, what are you thinking?” I asked, a bit confused at this point.

“Like, gross things. Well, things that should be gross. Damn it Bryce!” she said in frustration.

“Jules, what are you talking about?” I asked.

“I keep thinking about him… like finishing… on my face” she said in a quiet whisper.

“Jules, he didn’t do that. There is nothing on your face!” I tried to explain.

“I know. That’s the problem. Argh. I don’t want to talk about it!” she said with a pout and an arm cross.

My head was spinning as I was trying to catch up. Then it dawned on me. Was Julia saying she wanted Douglas to come on her face? That was outrageous. This was my soon to be fiancée. The thought of some other guy cumming on her face, her gorgeous face. And the fact that it would be Douglas, the weird guy from my work doing it. The weird, powerful hypnotist guy. Maybe the only one who could control my rich, sophisticated, over educated, snobby girlfriend with his irresistible hypnotic control. The thought of how her face would look with his cum all over it made my dick stir. Well, more than stir.

Unfortunately, I was wearing the stupid thin fabric designer pants that she had gotten me. Goddamnit, why couldn’t I just wear regular guy clothes!! She could see my… reaction.

“Bryce!” she yelled. “Are you getting excited?” she whispered.

“Jules, no. …I mean. No”

“I can see your thing tenting” she said.

I thought I was going to die of either embarrassment or shame. “Jules, I –“

“It’s not just you.” She said quietly.

I didn’t get it. “What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes, annoyed with my lack of understanding. “I’m… reacting to it as well”

“Like, you are getting wet?” I clarified untactfully.

“Bryce!” she snapped back. That wasn’t a denial.

We were in silence for a moment. Both at a loss for what to say. Both trying to deny the thoughts that were running through our head.

“Do you think he hypnotized you to bring him here? To get to me?” Julia asked.

While I wasn’t surprised that she thought this was all about her, I started to wonder if she was on to something. “Maybe?”

“Wow, so he’s just been hypnotizing you at work?” she asked. “Like you get to just drift off into his velvety voice all day everyday. Into a beautiful hypnotic trance, just so he could get to me. It was all for me…” she said as her voice drifted off. Was she mad? Or honored? What the fuck was going on?

“Jules. Whatever it was, it’s now over. He’s gone. I’ll talk to my boss on Monday and try to get on another case.” I told her.

“Yeah. Yes. Ok. Right.” Julia agreed, distracted. There was another pause of silence between us. Then she added, “I mean, he clearly hypnotized me to want to have him cum on my face, right? That’s the only reason I want it so bad. That, and that I know it would please him.”

More silence.

“I mean, I would look ridiculous with cum on my face, right? It would be so awful for you to see that, right? I mean, I would never, ever let you…” she said, before trailing off.

I swallowed hard as I felt the fabric of my pants tent more. She looked down at my crotch. My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was an incoming text. I took it out to look at it, and the first thing I noticed was the time. It was about 10pm. Where had the afternoon gone? Oh shit, how long were we all under hypnosis? I think we were finishing dinner around 3, now it was 10? It felt like no time at all. I got a pit in my stomach as my phone recognized my face in order to let me see the text. It was from Douglas.

‘I’m at the front door, let me in’ it read. My feet starting reacting before my head even knew what they were doing. I headed out of the study and to the front door. I opened it and Douglas came in.

Julia had followed me. “Bryce, what are you…” she asked from the foyer, but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw him.

“You shouldn’t be here” she said quietly.

Douglas laughed and handed me his coat. “Hang this up” he told me, and again my body automatically complied with his directive. It was a simple one, but it showed that he was planning to stay for a while. I knew this wasn’t good for us.

“Are you sure you don’t want me here?” Douglas asked Julia, looking her deep in the eyes.

“I-I… you did something” she said.

“Indeed I did. I hypnotized you. Very deeply in fact. And, I think you loved being deeply hypnotized by me, didn’t you?” he asked with a devious smile.

Julia just looked at him wide eyed and swallowed hard. Her silence served as acknowledgement.

“I bet you’d like to be hypnotized again. Though, I bet there is something you want even more.” He said.

This was going too far. I had to step in. “Look, Douglas, I think that you should – “ I started.

“Go sit in the chair in the corner. Be quiet. Don’t move until I tell you to” he said to me, and again my body was quick to follow the direction. Julia watched me with terror.

Douglas noticed the look in her eyes, I could see that he enjoyed that. “Oh yes Julia, he does as I command. He is my servant. I have used my wonderful, magical, hypnotic voice to enchant and enslave him. How do you feel about that Julia?” he said, laying his hypnotist voice on thick.

Her eyes were still wide. She said nothing.

“I know you are attracted to my voice Julia. You absolutely love the sound of my voice. It’s as if you’ve found something you’ve always been missing. I know you are intensely attracted to it Julia. You are attracted to its power. You’ve always been attracted to power, haven’t you Julia?” he said, slowly moving closer to her.

My eyes shifted to her. She was still just staring at him, but then I saw it… a small nod. A small affirmation that what he was saying rang true. My heart sank.

“Yes Julia, you are attracted to power, and right now, you can tell that my hypnotic power is almost limitless, thus, you are finding yourself absolutely, totally, and hoplessly attracted to me. I am irresistible.” Douglas said confidently. My fiancee’s eyes never left his.

“You are under my power Julia. You are under my hypnotic power. I am irresistible, and you can not resist me. You know that, don’t you?” he said, his arousal now undeniable. As he reached out and held her shoulders.

“yes” she whispered in a small voice

He smiled at her words and she seemed stunned when he suddenly took his hands off her and stepped away and started undoing his belt and pulling down his zipper and her eyes lingered on the obvious bulge in his boxers as she heard him say, "Get down on your knees!"

Julia was a Yale educated, wealthy, very conservative, very WASPy princess. This had to be the line. This had to be what would awaken her from her hypnotic trance. She had never, ever been on her knees for me, nor would I have ever even thought to ask. Yet, to my shock, without hesitation she dropped down in front of him, watching intently as he freed his rock hard cock and began to stroke it close to her face.

I couldn’t believe the hypnotic power Douglas had. I knew full well her face had never, ever been that close to a penis before.

“You’ve never been this attracted to a man before, Julia. I am sexual perfection. A sexual god. You want to worship me, serve me. Anything to please me. It is a new level of sexual desire that you have never experienced. You want my cum more than you’ve ever wanted anything. You need it. You lust for it.”

She licked her lips and the sight of his cock. Of their own volition her hands strayed to her soaking pussy. She was starting to pant as she stared at his thick shaft sliding between his fingers and seeing her lust filled look, he wound a hand slowly into her hair and pulled her head closer to touch his swollen tip to her eager lips. She sighed and stretched out her tongue to swirl it softly over his big cockhead, looking up at him as she started lick. He moaned softly as his hand tightened in her hair and she knew what he wanted now. She pulled her head back a little, licking her lips once again before opening wide as he smiled and shoved his cock into her hot, wet, hungry mouth, grunting in pleasure when she closed her lips round him and began to suck happily. I had no idea if she had any clue was she was even doing, but it seemed to feel good for him. She was moaning in pleasure as his cock, now slippery and glistening from her saliva slipped back and forth between her lips, rubbing her once sharp tongue against the sensitive underside of his shaft. She bobbed her head taking him as far as she could into her throat on the down stroke and swirling her tongue around his tip on the up. Her fingers were still pistoning into her aroused pussy and the taste of was making her wetter still. His head was thrown back, his fingers digging into her scalp as he held her head and felt her move on him. The wet heat of her mouth, her caressing tongue and her sounds of pleasure were more than enough to bring him to climax and realizing she was almost there too he pulled her head back so that his cock slipped from between her lips. He smiled at her moan of disappointment and quickly wrapping his fingers around his pulsing shaft he started to jerk off over her.

He could see her hand working in her pussy, her head was tilted up to him, her eyes wide and little whimpers of need escaped from her open, panting mouth. He saw her start to shake as her orgasm rolled through her and his balls tightened and within seconds he was spraying her pretty lust filled face with a load of steaming viscous cum. It spurted over her cheeks and chin and into her waiting mouth. As soon as she felt him splash onto her skin she stuck her tongue out wanting to taste him, wanting to swallow as much of his hot creamy cum as she could get into her before he was spent.

Then there she was, my fiancée the rich ice queen, basking in delight as his cum was all over his face. The joy of this seemed to bring her to orgasm right there and then. That was only the beginning. She served him sexually and in every other way for the entire weekend, as he deeply, deeply, hypnotically programmed her. We broke up around Christmas. He met her family around Valentine’s Day. They weren’t supportive at first, as they both liked me and disliked him, but eventually he must have gotten to each one of them. They are now married and living in that Connecticut estate. Her parents, her sibling, and myself are all deep under Douglas’ control, and go often for “programming parties”

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notkeepittogether · 1 year

Text

Talking about Making Space

i dubbed this a concept album when i made it, but i think i misunderstood the definition at the time. i’d written a handful of songs during the year, which i had intended to release as an EP or an album, but most of the demos i had remained unfinished, even by december.

all of these songs are about my time in san francisco, over my birthday & also the christmas period in 2021. the plan was to go for my birthday, meet up with my friends, and have a silly time together. you may remember the great resurgence of covid cases that occurred in november/december of that year, which definitely plays a part in this. but keep in mind i had booked my flight in june.

admittedly, it was a stupid idea to plan a meetup with internet friends you made during lockdown, only a matter of months after said lockdown measures had been slightly relaxed. it was june and i’d figured things would be much better with the rate that things seemed to be improving and opening back up again. i had managed to avoid catching the dreaded illness up until that point, and i’d confidently gone in to take my fit-to-fly covid test two days before. but the night before my flight, my mum took a test of her own amidst coming down with what seemed to be a heavy cold, and when she called for me up the stairs with a panicked voice, i knew exactly what she was going to tell me.

i was faced with a tough decision. i hadn’t yet received the results of my fit-to-fly test but i realised i was potentially about to receive what i deemed would be earth-shattering news. i went to my dad’s place to spend the night and hopefully avoid catching the virus (if i hadn’t caught it already), mere hours before my flight. i told my friends that there was a chance i wouldn’t be able to make it, but even if my test was negative, there was still a chance that i had caught it and was still in the incubation stages.

we decided as a group that if the test was negative, it was probably better to just risk it and go anyway, rather than waste all the money i had already spent on getting there and staying there. so when the test came back negative, i went.

as you can probably guess from all this buildup, two days into the trip i developed my first covid symptom, and two days after that, i tested positive. i wasn’t the only one, though. we hadn’t thought in depth about what would happen if we weren’t able to get the negative tests we needed to get home. we had to extend the trip to accommodate for the ten day isolation period and to also let enough time pass by that we could produce negative tests again. this meant having to relocate to a smaller airbnb where we’d stay for christmas. what ensued during this period of isolation was what you might expect from four ill, stir-crazy, homesick people who had to spend christmas in a place with one bedroom in it. i won’t go into detail about what exactly happened, though - that’s what the album is for.

the album is the aftermath. the impact of this trip was still fresh in my mind and on my body as i had flown home on december 29th with seemingly worse symptoms than i’d had when i was actually sick with the virus. a delayed reaction (and probably a result of not sleeping for 36 hours on the journey home) with my lungs has flared up my asthma at the worst it had ever been. i was basically bedridden for the two weeks following my arrival home. i was feeling a lot of things, too. i had so many regrets - things i hadn’t said or done while with the people i was convinced i’d probably never see again, things i had said or done that i felt i had no control over at the time while my brain was at mercy to sickness and discomfort, making the decision to go while knowing the risks and bringing everyone down with me.

EDIT: we were also drunk for a lot of the time. i think that’s worth mentioning.

now, almost two years later, i don’t regret anything. (well, maybe some things.)

1. Making Space

this one’s very blatant in its lyricism. we, or at least i, was going completely stir crazy in this airbnb that had one bedroom in it. i was hating myself pretty intensely both during and after all of this had happened. i was rejecting the affection of all of my friends.

2. The Art of Texting

the year preceding this trip hadn’t been easy. i found myself seeking comfort in my friends who were willing to let me completely lean on them, so long as i let them do the same with me. this resulted in some unhealthy codependency that, despite the implications, i still look back on somewhat positively. how do you convey your deepest feelings to someone when all you can do is text or call them? (miscommunicate).

3. Understand (All the Best)

i came home feeling like i was broken. i had strong feelings, but they felt like the wrong feelings, and i regretted not letting myself get fully comfortable around the only people i’d ever been comfortable with.

4. Dunes

i believe it was on boxing day that i had finally had enough of being indoors. a friend and i went on a long walk down a nearby beach, at night, where we shared airpods (until they died) and listened to music out of a phone speaker (until it died) while walking up and down and climbing some of the sand dunes that had formed. it was the most peaceful i felt the entire time i was there.

the image for the album art was taken on this walk.

5. Are We Alright?

mainly focused on the aftermath of this trip - i had a lot i needed to fix once i got home. guilt was not enough. i was unthinkably cold. i had to wear gloves in my room.

6. New Year

written about the year of 2021 as a whole, and what i went through with my friends. i used this song as a general outlet for my deep desire to repair a friendship that i’d fucked up. i think it helped.

7. Bad at Talking

every single friendship i had was in a state of disrepair after this trip. i wasn’t entirely sure what everyone thought of me after meeting me in person for the first time and then immediately seeing me at my worst.

8. Late Again

i was feeling inadequate as a long distance friend, and also inadequate to fulfil life’s basic expectations of me. i wish i remembered the exact intentions i had as i was writing this. but the stuff about missing my train and being thirty minutes late to class actually happened.

9. Twin Beds

on my last night in san francisco, my friend and i shared a twin hotel room. it was the first time in a week that i had my own bed to sleep on. he floated the idea of sharing a bed and i thought it was both funny and outrageous.

i flew home the next morning, but two of my friends were hit with an endless stream of complications. one had such extreme delays due to weather that he missed his layover and had to spend an extra night away from home. the other found out that canada’s covid policies were different to that of the us and uk. they had to spend an extra two weeks(?) in san francisco, by themselves. i felt bad about how relieved i was to be at home while they still had not made it. part of me, now, wished i had stayed.

10. All the Best / Goodnight

reading these lyrics back, i’m transported back into the toxic mindset i was stuck in for a while after i returned home. i was struggling with a lot of self hatred, for a whole plethora of reasons, and i spent a lot of time wishing nobody knew me or thought of me at all now that i was painfully aware that people knew me and were thinking of me.

i still write songs about this experience today. i need to stop, but honestly it somewhat shaped me into the person i am now, unlocking desires and urges i didn’t know i had.

#talking #keep it together #making space

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mudora · 2 years

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Sad story time: Subject, my kitty Lily. I adopted Lilly in 2020 from a local shelter. It was prime covid time, and I was only able to see her picture and see her on video calls with the foster parent before I was able to take her home. Siamese and a bit of house cat within. Her blues eyes are just so big and filled with curiosity. She warmed up pretty quickly to the house and me. I was so excited to have her here. My very own adopted cat. I made sure to get everything she needed, and asked all the right questions. I was the perfect house for her, in my mind. No children, nice and quiet, and I was so ready to just make her life happy, comfortable, and very ready to bring her on as a new member of the family. Shortly after her arrival, however - about three months, to be exact - she began to exhibit weird signs. Twitchy skin near her back. Licking the back area compulsively, wagging her tail in irritation, and seeing things that weren’t there. At first I attributed this to extreme separation anxiety. My vet agreed. We tried everything to make her more comfortable, but the standard things that worked for other cats were not working for her. She began to pee habitually in my basement living room, and in other areas I frequented - mostly where her litterbox was. I was dumbfounded. We checked for urinary tract infections. Bladder problems. Thyroid issues, overweight possibilities. These were many vet visits over two years of trying to understand what the hell was happening with my cat. Naturally, she wasn’t always running scared or trying to bite my legs off. On good days she would be the most comfortable cat I’ve seen, happily sitting in my lap and purring, playing with toys, and just being her beautiful self that I knew her to be. She was protective of me, and loved to monopolize my company. My perfect nap buddy (she still is). Finally, after two years, my best friend linked me an article to FHS: Feline hyperesthesia syndrome (FHS) has also been called rolling skin syndrome and twitchy cat disease. FHS generally involves muscle contractions that your cat cannot control, along with changes in behavior. It’s very broad, and poorly understood. I thought that I had an answer to my cat’s woes. Gabapentin has literally been the only way to alleviate her symptoms. And so many things could be the probably cause. I know she doesn’t have allergies. So its highly possible its psychological in nature. Which requires a very. very expensive pet visit that I no longer have a job to pay for. Due to her urination, it has caused a lot of damage to the newly finished basement that was competed in 2019 (and where I live). I’ve been given until the end of march to somehow fix this. And chances are, if I don’t find a permanent solution, I would have to put her to sleep due to the nature of her symptoms. I can’t trust another adoptive family with this cat. She is not a normal cat, and needs heightened help. Help that I’m so willing to give, but I do not own the house I live in. I love her so much. I don’t want to let her go anywhere. I want her to feel safe, and loved, and wanted. I just don’t think until the end of march is enough time to really figure out what she needs. I’m just... very sad. And upset at myself. Could I had prevented this from happening in some way? Could I have done more? Will she somehow pivot from a habit she’s formed and has done for two years in counting? I don’t know. If anyone has advice or ideas, I’d love to know. Or if you have an FHS cat that is comfortable... I need something. My area is just... not really an area with an abundance of cat behaviorists and vets that can come to the house. I just want her to have the chance to be the happiest cat there is. And I don’t have a lot of time left. And I hate it.

#real life things #reality #cat #FHS cat #help #cathelp

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debbiechanclub · 2 years

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Knights and Kings

A “Take My Hand, Wreck My Plans” fic

Pairing: Zack Sabre Jr. x OFC Word Count: 4,650 Warnings: ANGST; alcohol use; language

Nellie and Torrance are both in need of relationship advice, and they expected to find it at the bottom of wine bottles and ice cream cartons―not a deck of tarot cards.

TMHWMP Timeline | Masterlist

Read it on AO3

Tag squad: @comeasyoudar @statdaddy @knifepervert @sldghmmr @rusevday @missbrownstone @meteora-fc @bec0m @thatgirlforever5 @rocca09

Saturday, August 1, 2020 Tokyo, Japan

“Thank you for letting me crash here,” Torrance said. “I promise I won’t overstay my welcome.”

“Stop,” Nellie returned. She handed her a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc and sat down on the opposite end of the couch, pulling her feet up onto the cushion. “You can stay as long as you need. I’m sure it won’t be long, anyway.”

Torrance laughed dryly to herself as she eagerly lifted the glass to her mouth. “That makes one of us.”

She took a long drink, and Nellie frowned. When Torrance had called and told her she needed a place to stay because she and Ishimori were “taking some time apart,” Nellie had thought she meant just for the night. But when she’d shown up at her apartment just over an hour later—suitcase in tow, eyes red from crying—Nellie had realized it was a bit more serious than just a night.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. “Or do you just want to drink and binge-watch K-dramas?”

Torrance laughed again, a bit more genuine that time. “All of the above.”

Empathy surged in Nellie’s veins. “I didn’t realize you and Ishimori were having issues again.”

“Again,” because Torrance and Ishimori were one of those couples who always seemed to be either hot or cold. Nellie had seen it for herself during the two months she’d crashed in their spare bedroom after she and Zack had broken up. But she’d also seen their love in all the little things they did, in the way they chose each other every single day. From where she was sitting, this break had come out of left field.

But that wasn’t the case for Torrance. “It started not long after you moved out,” she revealed. “I think you were providing a buffer for us, and we didn’t realize it until you were gone.”

Nellie’s frown deepened. So this had been building for a month, then. She had noticed that Torrance hadn’t been her usual self the last few weeks, but she hadn’t thought too much of it—most people weren’t themselves these days. New COVID cases were surging again in Tokyo, and Stardom had just two shows planned for August after only just starting up again at the end of June after a three-month hiatus. So, Nellie had just assumed Torrance was depressed over the general state of things; she hadn’t thought to ask if anything else was going on.

And plus, Nellie had been dealing with her own personal matters lately.

She pulled herself out of her thoughts and refocused on Torrance. “So what exactly started, then?” she asked. “After I moved out.”

“Just, bickering,” Torrance breathed. “Constantly, about everything, about the stupidest, littlest shit. And I’d been hoping it was just a rough patch and that we’d get through it, but we haven’t and now… I’m doubting our entire relationship.”

A weight settled on Nellie’s chest, and she looked regretfully down into her own glass of wine. She could relate all too well.

“It’s exactly like what happened to you and Zack.”

Nellie flicked her eyes back up at her. Torrance was already shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you’re not wrong,” Nellie ruefully returned. “It is exactly like what happened to me and Zack.” She paused to take a sip of wine, her mouth suddenly dry. “You know you could have talked to me about it.”

“I know,” she quietly said. “I actually almost did call you after Taiji and I got into it last week, but then I realized it was Zack’s birthday and I didn’t want to bother you with my shit when I knew you were probably dealing with your own.”

Nellie’s mouth moved too fast for her brain. “It probably would have been better if you did call.”

There was a beat of silence as they both realized what she’d said. Nellie froze. Torrance noticed.

“Why? Did something happen?”

Nellie shifted uncomfortably.

“Shit, something did happen, didn’t it?” Torrance figured, and Nellie knew there was no avoiding it now. So, she spit it out.

“I slept with Zack.”

Torrance’s jaw unhinged. “On his birthday?”

She nodded.

Torrance stared at her a few seconds longer, mouth agape. “Well, I’m glad I didn’t call, then,” she remarked.

“No, it’s not good, Torr,” Nellie woefully returned—but Torrance was already asking her next question.

“Did it happen here or at his place?”

Nellie sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She might as well just give her all the details. “His place. I texted him happy birthday because it felt like the right thing to do; we’re still friends. But then we started talking, and he said he was getting takeout from this udon place we both love, and asked if I wanted to come over. It was only like six-thirty, so I figured it was fine and I could leave before it turned into hook-up hours, but then one thing led to another and… yeah.”

She took a gulp of wine, her heart pulsing in her neck. In truth, she knew she should have declined Zack’s invitation that night; she should have called Torrance and had her talk her down. But she was having a harder time moving on from Zack than she was willing to admit. Some days, she gave herself grace for it. Of course she was having a hard time—she’d uprooted her whole life and moved across the world with the person she loved only to have it all fall apart. Anyone would have a hard time moving on from that.

But other days—like today, the entire last week—she felt like a fool.

“Was it good, at least?” Torrance asked, cutting into her thoughts.

“Torr,” Nellie breathed, half a smile on her lips. “You’re not helping.”

Torrance pulled her mouth to the side of her face. “Well, I guess we both need tonight.” She let out a tired sigh. “Please tell me you have ice cream or chocolate or something else we can eat our feelings with.”

Nellie pushed out her bottom lip. “I don’t. But there’s a 7-Eleven a few blocks away.”

* * * *

Neither of them was concerned about impressing anyone, and a few minutes later they both left Nellie’s apartment in oversized t-shirts, bike shorts, messy buns, and masks to walk the few blocks to 7-Eleven as the last remnants of twilight died in the darkening sky. And it didn’t take long for Torrance to resume her line of questioning.

“Have you and Zack talked about it at all?”

Nellie snorted. “No. I left practically as soon as the sun came up. It was my first walk of shame since back when I was hooking up with Riley,” she lowly added.

“You snuck out?” Torrance balked.

“No, I didn’t sneak out,” Nellie clarified. “I told him I was leaving. But he was still half-asleep, so.” She left it at that and gestured to an alleyway on their right. “It’s this way.”

They cut into the alleyway, lined with tightly packed open-air bars and restaurants. Paper lanterns and electric signs hung every few feet advertising food and drink in kanji, but the atmosphere wasn’t as lively as it would have been under normal circumstances. It made Nellie recall one of her very first dates with Zack at an izakaya just like these, a smile on her face as she turned toward him on a barstool, his hand on her thigh—

“Would you like your cards read, my dears?”

Nellie and Torrance both slowed to a stop. An older woman with kind, dark eyes stood outside a stall toward the end of the alley. Nellie looked up at the sign overhead; in bright neon letters it read in English, “PSYCHIC TAROT PALMISTRY TEA LEAVES.” Her brow furrowed in confusion. This stall hadn’t been there any of the previous times she’d walked through here.

Torrance hesitated. “Oh, I don’t know—”

But the woman cut her off. “Yes, come. You especially need a love reading; I can tell from your aura.”

She beckoned them into the stall. Torrance and Nellie exchanged an uncertain glance.

“Come, come!” the woman repeated. “You want to know if you and your partner are too incompatible, yes?”

Torrance’s eyes widened. Nellie could see her overthinking it in real time.

“Okay, that’s a really general statement,” she quietly attempted to assuage her.

“There’s no need to be afraid,” the woman said. “The cards will only tell you what you need to hear.”

Torrance and Nellie tapped eyes again. “Yeah, that’s what worries me,” Torrance muttered under her breath; but she moved forward into the stall. Nellie followed. She had to admit, she was intrigued—and there was something comforting about the old woman’s presence.

There wasn’t much to her set-up; just a small folding table covered by a woven tapestry with one chair on one side and two on the other, a neatly stacked deck of tarot cards set in the middle. An electric tea kettle and paper cups sat in the corner, presumably for those who wished to have their tea leaves read. They all sat down around the table. The woman looked at Torrance first.

“All I need are your name and the name of your partner, nothing more.”

Torrance shifted; so they were jumping right into it. Her voice wavered a bit as she answered. “Um, I’m Torrance, and my boyfriend’s given name is Taiji.”

The woman hummed as she nodded and reached for the cards. She held them intentionally in her hands for a moment, her eyes closed, focused; and then she reopened them and started to shuffle. Overhand, varying her pace—sometimes quick, sometimes slow—until one of the cards popped out from the pile, making itself known. She laid it facedown on the table, and then repeated the process two more times. When she was done, she set the rest of the cards off to the side. The air in the room seemed to thicken as she did.

“This is a traditional three-card love spread,” she explained, deliberately pronouncing each word. “Many people think, ‘the more cards, the better.’ But with too many cards, the message can become muddy and lost. A three-card spread cuts right to the heart of the situation.”

She placed her finger on the card on the right. “This card represents you.” She moved to the card on the left. “This card represents your partner.” Finally, she put her finger on the card in the middle. “And this card represents your relationship together.”

“Okay,” Torrance breathed, nervous. But the woman smiled at her, and even though her mouth was hidden behind her mask they could see it in her eyes, sympathetic and kind.

“Again, the cards will not tell you anything you do not need to hear,” she repeated; and then, without warning, she flipped over the card on the right. It displayed a striking graphic image of an angel pouring water between two cups. At the bottom, it read in capital letters, TEMPERANCE.

“Ah, a major arcana card!” she noted. “This is an important message.”

Torrance’s brow furrowed with anxiety. The woman went on.

“Now, the card looks upright to you because we are sitting opposite one another. But because I am the one doing the reading, it is reversed. And Temperance reversed indicates that you must look inward first before you can move forward.”

Nellie glanced at Torrance out of the corner of her eye. She fidgeted in her seat again, the corners of her mouth turned down. But she remained quiet, interested in what else the woman had to say. And so, she continued.

“Something is imbalanced in your life, and you must think about what it is that you truly want. Not anyone else—you. It is the only way to find harmony again.”

Torrance went rigid. Clearly, the woman’s words resonated with her; perhaps too much.

“It’s not a bad card,” Nellie cut in. “It’s just saying you should take a step back and figure things out. You’re doing that now.”

The woman smiled. “Your friend is right. And if you’re doing this, you are already on the forward path.”

Torrance nodded in understanding. “Okay,” she said again.

“Let’s see Taiji’s card now…” The woman reached for the left card and flipped it over. It pictured a robed king holding a longsword in his hands: the KING OF SWORDS.

The woman considered the card for a few seconds. And then she asked, “Does Taiji have very high standards?”

“Yes,” Nellie immediately commented. Torrance rolled her eyes; but she didn’t disagree.

“Yeah, he does,” she dolefully confirmed. “For everything.”

The woman nodded. “The King of Swords is someone who is very controlled and ambitious, and sometimes that can come off as…” she fluttered her fingers, searching for the right word. “Overbearing—cold—especially in relationships, as they tend to be reserved in showing their emotions. To them, love means pushing their partner to do and be their very best, and they desire someone who will do the same for them. When the two partners are aligned in this concept, it makes for a very strong and beneficial relationship.

“But,” she pointed meaningfully back at the Temperance card. “Do not forget what Temperance has told you. If your desires and needs don’t align with Taiji’s, then it will benefit neither of you.”

Torrance gnawed on the inside of her lip. Nellie couldn’t think of a positive way to spin that message.

“Alright,” the woman said with a single nod. “Now, your relationship together…”

She flipped over the middle card. A knight sat atop a gallant horse, a cup in his outstretched hand. The KNIGHT OF CUPS.

“Hm,” the woman remarked.

“What?” Torrance asked, leaning forward, an edge of panic to her voice. “What does that mean?”

The woman thought for a beat. “Well,” she began, “the Knight of Cups could mean one of two things here, both very positive. First, it could indicate that you and Taiji will take the positive actions necessary for you to move forward together as a couple… or, alternatively, it could represent someone new coming into your life. Someone much more emotionally in-tune with your needs than the King of Swords.”

Nellie snapped her eyes at Torrance. She sat frozen, shocked; but Nellie swore it looked like someone specific had popped into her head.

The woman noticed it, too. “Ah… is there someone else already who could be the Knight of Cups?”

“What?” Torrance reacted. “No,” she shook her head, cleared her throat. “I’m just surprised. This is… eye-opening, for sure.”

The woman smiled again, her dark eyes wrinkling at the corners. “Good! That is the cards’ entire purpose! And now, we will see what they have to say to you.”

Nellie snapped to attention. That meant her.

“You are single, yes?” the woman asked. “Newly single.”

Goosebumps prickled over Nellie’s skin. How had she figured that? “About three months now, yeah,” she returned.

“Mm,” the woman hummed and nodded again. “Then you have a choice. Either I can do a general love reading, or, if there is someone specific on your mind,” she said this as if she already knew, “you can give me their name and I will do a reading like your friend’s.”

Nellie hesitated, a lump in her throat. If Zack knew she was doing this, he would give her so much shit. He was a hardline atheist; he didn’t believe in anything but provable facts, something that had been a point of contention in their relationship. She had always believed in something more, some force bigger than herself.

And she wanted to know.

“His name is Zack.”

The woman picked up the deck. “And yours?”

“Oh. Nellie.”

“Thank you,” the woman nodded, and she started to shuffle.

The first card popped out almost immediately; she pulled it from the deck and laid it on the right. A few seconds later, the second card emerged, and she laid it on the left. Not long after, the final card seemed to jump from the deck of its own volition. The woman laughed lightly to herself as she placed it in the center.

“That was quick.”

Nellie rubbed clammy palms on her legs. She didn’t know if that was a good or bad sign.

The woman reached for the first card. “Your card,” she said; and as she flipped it over, Nellie was struck by the imagery. A large red heart pierced through its center by three swords, storm clouds in the background.

She scoffed to herself. That was a little on-the-nose.

“Ah… the Three of Swords reversed,” the woman noted. “You are having trouble moving on from the relationship that recently ended.”

It was a statement, not a question. Nellie stiffened. “You could say that,” she quietly returned.

“Mm,” the woman hummed again. “It is not so bad, though. The Three of Swords indicates that you need to go through this period of grieving to move forward. But you must be careful not to live in that grief and get stuck. You must keep yourself open to what lies ahead.”

But what lies ahead? Nellie wanted to ask. Maybe the cards would tell her.

“Now Zack’s card,” the woman continued. She picked up the left card and flipped it over. A knight charged forward on a horse, a staff in his hand. At the bottom, it read KNIGHT OF WANDS—and like Nellie’s card, it was reversed.

“He’s the person you recently broke up with, yes?” the woman asked.

Nellie blanched. How did she keep doing that? “Yeah,” she confirmed. “After almost two years. We moved here together in January and then… yeah.” She looked down, surprised at her candor. Maybe she’d just needed to say it.

The woman studied her a beat longer before looking back down at the card. “Like the King of Swords in the previous reading, the Knight of Wands is highly ambitious. But he is more impulsive than disciplined. He struggles with impatience, and sometimes fails to think before he speaks.”

“Do you know Zack personally?” Nellie quipped. The woman’s eyes crinkled in amusement before she continued.

“However, because the card is reversed, it indicates that he’s been feeling very frustrated. There are obstacles in his way, ones he cannot control, and he’s unsure how to proceed. Additionally, his frustration might not have anything to do with your relationship at all, but it affected it nonetheless. He must reconcile all this before he can move forward to what he wants.”

Nellie curled her hands into fists on her legs. There had been extraneous strains on her and Zack’s relationship that had played a factor in their break-up, of that there was no doubt. Living together for the first time in a foreign country where neither of them spoke the language, in the midst of a fucking pandemic, unable to do their job, the thing they loved, the thing that had brought them together in the first place. It had piled up on top of them, and they’d broken under the weight of it all.

“Does this resonate with you?” the woman asked. Again, Nellie had a sense that she already knew the answer.

“Yeah, it does,” she said. “But I don’t know if I’m part of what he wants.”

The woman’s eyes sparkled. “Well, let’s see if the final card will tell us.”

She reached for the third and final card, and Nellie reflexively held her breath as she watched her flip it over. The first thing she noticed was the bright red background. Then, a man and a woman, each holding a cup in their hand, the man reaching out toward the woman. TWO OF CUPS, it read.

“I believe you are part of what he wants,” the woman said. “The Two of Cups. This a soulmate card, my dear.”

* * * *

Nellie tried to pay the woman for the readings, but she refused the money. “The spirits had me seek you out,” she said. Nellie didn’t argue. She just thanked her and practically ran out of the stall, her head spinning.

Soulmates? Her and Zack? Please. She didn’t even think he believed in the concept.

“Wait up!” Torrance called as they exited the alleyway. Nellie spotted the 7-Eleven up ahead and started walking faster. Torrance had to jog to catch up with her. “Well, that was intense,” she remarked.

Nellie didn’t respond.

“Nell.”

“What?”

“That woman just said you and Zack are soulmates, and you’re clearly feeling some type of way about it.”

They came to an intersection, and Nellie jabbed the crosswalk button with her fingers. “She also said that card didn’t necessarily signify romantic soulmates.”

“Okay, but that was a love reading.”

Nellie kept her gaze trained on the crosswalk signal, willing it to change. “It was probably a bunch of bullshit,” she dismissed.

But Torrance shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t know, she seemed pretty intuitive to me.”

“Oh yeah?” Nellie returned. “Who’s the Knight of Cups?”

She looked probingly down at her. Torrance blanched. “Okay fine, we won’t talk about it.”

* * * *

But long after they’d returned to the apartment, loaded up with ice cream, Japanese pastries, and more wine, Nellie still couldn’t stop thinking about it. And then, two more glasses deep and well into a Netflix binge session, she got a text. From Zack.

Are you free?

She nudged Torrance and wordlessly showed her the message. Her eyes bulged.

“Now he chooses to mince words?”

Nellie rolled her eyes. “I’m telling him I’m not,” she said and started to type back—but Torrance stopped her.

“No, don’t! You two need to talk.”

Nellie’s brow furrowed in disagreement. “I’m not leaving you here by yourself to go talk to Zack.”

“What, don’t trust me with your stuff?” she joked.

“That’s not—”

“I know,” Torrance interjected. “And seriously, I’ll be fine. Please go talk to him. We don’t both need to be miserable tonight.”

Nellie ran an uncertain hand through her hair. On the contrary, there was no guarantee that talking to Zack wouldn’t just make her more miserable. But Torrance was right. They did need to talk.

“Fine,” she said. “But I’m coming back.”

She didn’t bother changing, but she did pull her long, dark hair out from its messy bun and comb it out with her fingers, double-checking in the bathroom mirror that she looked decent, and then she was out the door. Zack lived two buildings over in the same complex, in what used to be their apartment. Nellie admitted it wasn’t ideal still living so close to him, but options were limited in the current market, and she hadn’t wanted to overstay her welcome with Torrance and Ishimori. Besides, she liked this neighborhood; she was familiar with it. She needed that more than ever right now.

Less than five minutes and she was at his door. She’d never responded to his text, she realized, but it was just as well. He wanted to see her; at least, it had sounded like he did. So, she raised her hand and knocked.

It wasn’t long before Zack answered. He seemed surprised to see her. “So I guess you are free, then?”

A swell of embarrassment flushed Nellie’s face. She was wrong, she shouldn’t have just showed up. Maybe he’d just wanted to talk on the phone, over text—not face-to-face. She must look like an overeager fool.

“Sorry, I should’ve—”

“No,” he cut her off with a shake of his head. “Come in.”

He pulled the door open further, and she gave him a tight smile and moved inside. Soft music floated out from the record player in the corner of the living room; a half-full glass of beer sat on the coffee table. So he’d been drinking, too.

“Do you want anything to drink?”

She looked back at him as he shut the door. “Um, water, actually. I had some wine and I’m starting to get a headache.”

“Ah,” he smirked. “Wine drunk. So that explains you just turning up.”

He disappeared into the kitchen, and Nellie let out a breath. She needed to relax. She moved around to the couch and sank down into the cushions, listening to the music. It was one of Zack’s favorite bands; they’d seen them live in England before all this. She’d gotten him that record player for Christmas. It made her wonder what was going through his head before he’d texted her.

“Here you go.”

Zack reappeared with a glass of ice water. She thanked him and took a long drink as he sat down next to her. It wasn’t until she set the glass atop a coaster on the coffee table and sat back that she realized how close they were.

“So were you just drinking by yourself?” he asked. Cheeky like always.

Nellie pursed her lips. “Not that that would be anything to judge someone for these days... but no. Torrance is over.”

Zack’s brow furrowed. “She is over? And you just left?”

“She practically shoved me out the door, trust me,” Nellie returned, and the implication was obvious: she’d told Torrance what had happened. The mood shifted like the needle on the record player to the next track on the vinyl. There was no avoiding it now.

“So, why’d you want to know if I was free?” she opened.

He laughed shortly. “Is it not obvious?”

“No, it is,” she said. And then, more quietly, “Where’s your head at?”

Zack sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Honestly, I don’t know, Nell. But it shouldn’t have happened, should it?”

Nellie’s heart dropped to her stomach. She felt the same didn’t she? Then why did it hurt so much hearing him say it? “I guess not,” she returned.

“I’m not saying that I regret it,” he quickly clarified. “I don’t, at all. Nell, I would take you to my bed right now.”

“But?”

“But. There’s a reason we broke up. Reasons, plural.”

Nellie’s nose burned. She thought of the tarot reading again, the Knight of Wands reversed, all the outside stresses that they’d been under, that they were still under. She wanted to bring it up to him—the circumstances, not the tarot reading; he’d laugh her out of the apartment if she brought up the tarot reading—but it felt like it wouldn’t make a difference.

And yet. “What if the reasons were all extraneous?”

Zack looked confused. “What?”

She pivoted to face him on the couch, and her knee bumped his. “I mean, what if the reasons we broke up weren’t actually issues between us, but outside issues that affected us?”

He sighed again. “Nell, we were fighting about everything.”

“Yeah, because we were cooped up here together, unable to work, unable to go anywhere or do anything, really. You don’t think that maybe that had something to do with it, that maybe it was just the circumstances we were under and not actually us?”

“I’m sure it did have something to do with it, but what if it just sped up the inevitable?”

The air was knocked from Nellie’s lungs. Was that really how he felt? “Oh.” She was a fool.

“Darling,” Zack started—and then he caught himself, realized what he’d said. Nellie’s eyes steeled.

“Don’t call me that right now.” She stood up from the couch. “You’re right; it shouldn’t have happened.”

She started for the door.

“Nell—”

“I should get back to Torrance,” she said, and with that she walked out.

The Knight of Wands, his impulsiveness.

The Three of Swords, its necessary heartbreak.

The Two of Cups—soulmates.

Nellie wanted to believe that maybe there was something to it. But it felt like it was all just bullshit.

#zack sabre jr fanfiction #zsj fanfiction #zsj x ofc #zack sabre jr fanfic #zsj fanfic

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lsdunesarchive · 1 year

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L.S. Dunes On A Year Of Collaboration, Community, And Venturing Beyond The Realms Of A ‘Supergroup’

Words by Maddy Howell Photo by Kevin Estrada August 8, 2023

Frank Iero and Travis Stever reflect on the genesis of the project, the creative lifeline it provided and the current honeymoon period that suggests the best is yet to come.

With the entire live music industry shut down in the midst of a global pandemic, starting a band may not have sounded like the best idea back in 2020.

As all touring plans ground to a halt and inspiration became limited to the confines of four walls, for many creatives it would have taken something truly special to defy the stagnation that thrived in such darkness – but as luck would have it, that’s exactly how the story of L.S. Dunes begins.

Starting out life as a group chat between long-term friends during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, L.S. Dunes was born from a sheer desire to create and a refusal to succumb to nature’s obstacles. Over the last year three years though, it’s blossomed into something much more powerful than any of its members could have imagined.

“In the beginning, it was a big lifeline,” guitarist Frank Iero starts.

“Our industry was one of the first ones to go and the last to come back, but this band gave us hope. It gave me the ability to be creative in a world that was virtually void of all creativity, and at a time that we were all struggling. Most of us had tours booked, and we were ready to go when the pandemic happened, so when we came home the darkness began creeping in. This gave us a light at the end of that tunnel.”

Creatively starved and writing remotely with no expectations, it wasn’t long before the five-piece realised this was more than just a lockdown project to stave off their boredom, and by the time the first demo was finished – they knew they had something special.

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Embracing a healthy competitive spirit and challenging one another to step outside their comfort zones whilst adding their own unique mark to each track, the creative freedom saw them venturing into new realms of prog-rock, post-hardcore, and emo. As more and more ideas came together, it wasn’t long before a debut album had formed, and with ‘Past Lives’ – L.S. Dunes was truly born.

“I was so excited for people to hear the record because I loved it so much. However, there were those thoughts creeping in before the release like, ‘Are we crazy? Have we been locked up for too long?’,” Frank laughs.

“I had moments where I’d be tearing up listening to the record because I was so proud, but then I’d stop and be like, ‘Wait a minute, this is insane!’,” guitarist Travis Stever adds.

“We had to remember not to put too much weight on how people would perceive it. If you’re making art, it’s hard not to do that, but we were very lucky in that sense.”

With a star-studded line up also featuring Anthony Green (Circa Survive, Saosin) along with Tucker Rule and Tim Payne (Thursday), after the surprise single drop of ‘Permanent Rebellion’ ignited the internet in late August 2022, anticipation for a debut show was at an all-time high.

Having only practiced in the same room as one another on two occasions prior, a performance at Chicago’s Riot Fest was a bold move for show number one – especially with Frank pulling double duty with My Chemical Romance headlining the night – but at Douglass Park on September 16th, L.S. Dunes took to the stage for the first time.

“It was beyond what any of us expected. We were getting ready to go out there thinking, ‘If there are a few hundred people out there, that’s cool!’,” Travis laughs.

“All of a sudden, we got on stage, and even though we only had one song out – people knew every fucking word to that song. It was exciting to watch them hang onto every other melody we were playing too. It was pretty mind blowing.”

“It’s certainly the biggest first show I’ve ever played with a band!” Frank smirks.

A mammoth debut show that could arguably have gone one of two ways, L.S. Dunes’ landmark set filled up the tank and left its five members itching for more, rounding out the year with further shows across the US and Canada before hopping across the Atlantic for their first shows in the UK and Europe to celebrate the new year.

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A busy schedule triggered by the triumphant return of the live music industry, the last twelve months has seen L.S. Dunes balancing their duties with the responsibilities of their other respective projects, as well as fulfilling their family roles outside of music, a feat that has seemed remarkably natural for the five-piece.

“When real life came back, and we were able to go back to our respective bands and do other things… that served as testament to how much we love L.S. Dunes. It’s easy to focus your energy and creativity on something when nothing else exists, but when everything else came back we still wanted to be a part of this.” Frank explains.

“It’s like being a dad. You’re never truly prepared to have a kid, or another kid, but somehow you find a way. You find the extra love in your heart, and you find the extra time to dedicate to something that you truly care about, and that’s how it felt with this band. Schedules are difficult, but they’re not insurmountable. Anything worth doing is a little hard to do.”

Touring across the US throughout the summer, they’ve come to realise that whilst they have a deep love for this band and the journey it’s taking them on – there are thousands of strangers who love it too.

With people across the world connecting to the songs on ‘Past Lives’, as they’ve witnessed people showing up at venue doors hours before they open and shared the artwork sent to them online by talented fans, L.S. Dunes have begun fostering a passionate community of their own unique creation.

“As artists we often wonder if we’re the only ones who like what we do,” Frank explains.

“When people go out of their way to show their support, it’s a wonderful feeling, but it is a bit shocking. In the beginning, I think there were people who just wanted to see what it was about because they were fans of our other projects, but we’re treading into the territory of people just being L.S. Dunes fans. That’s an incredibly fulfilling feeling.”

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It’s how L.S. Dunes have been able to shed the ‘supergroup’ label first plastered on them upon their line-up reveal, having proved the project worthy of its own merit through the spirit of their live shows.

A constantly growing entity, new ideas have been explored within every rehearsal and practice they’ve had, and whilst finding time to record and release those ideas may be a little harder to schedule – when it happens, it’s magic.

Most recently, they headed to the desert to record two new tracks at the legendary Rancho de la Luna studio in Joshua Tree, California, with producer Alex Newport (At The Drive-In, The Mars Volta). With filmmakers Pat and Nick Demarais capturing the recording process for a documentary titled ‘Limitless Sky’, it was the first time the five of them had been able to record music whilst in the same room.

“You need to be in the room with one another to be able to hear things and respond immediately. That immediacy is lost when you’re recording remotely, and to be able to react, evolve, and change on a dime is so fun,” Frank recalls.

“The stars aligned for us with that opportunity, and it was such a fun thing to do within a group of friends. When something like that happens, it becomes a milestone within your band. It’s proof of what you can do if you set your mind to it, and I can’t wait for people to hear the other song that we did out in the desert. It’s a night and day scene – ‘Benadryl Subreddit’ is the days in the desert, and ‘Old Wounds’ is the nights spent out there.”

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As the first year of L.S. Dunes draws to a close, the five-piece find themselves in a unique position.

The product of five extraordinary musicians with extraordinary ambitions, the special qualities of each member can be heard in everything the band creates. Funnelling their individual creative inspirations into a project defined by infinite possibilities, every voice is equal, every idea is valued, and experimentation is the key to forward motion.

From the passion of their live shows to the sheer joy that radiates when they speak of their future, it’s clear that L.S. Dunes is the favourite band of everyone within its ranks. Proving that greatness can be achieved with the help of hard work, friendship, and a healthy dose of fun, with a second LP already well underway – largely written whilst on the road together – they’re showing no signs of slowing down.

“We’re working on all this new material, but the other side of it is showing that we’re taking it seriously,” Travis explains.

“You have to consistently be out doing shows and touring, and luckily, we love doing that.

“With all due respect to our other projects, this is one of the funnest bands I’ve ever been in,” Frank finishes.

“I love the camaraderie within the band, and we’re still in our honeymoon period! You can put in a lot of work with other bands, and although it’s fun, sometimes you need a little vacation – this is a vacation band for me.”

#ls dunes #l.s. dunes #m: anthony green #m: frank iero #m: tim payne #m: travis stever #m: tucker rule #lsd: 2023 #in: aug/23 #t: photo #t: video #t: text #ph: kevin estrada #misc: interview #p: knotfest #archive[ane]#‘Benadryl Subreddit’ is the days in the desert and ‘Old Wounds’ is the nights spent out there.” aight this is really cool

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alarrytale · 8 months

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Imo H’sH promo was so weak because of many subjects. First of all he had to stunt his way through because the movie was postponed - if I remember it was about to premiere in late 2021 but because it has been delayed thanks to covid, he had to stunt for one more year because I guess the stunt deal was it will end when the movie promo end…just how it happend in Nov 2022. So he had no option. Another thing is, in Europe everyone was waiting for new dates since the original ones for spring 2020 was postponed and I remember it clearly they gave us new date (from May 2020 to January 2021) but because covid still was full on and even worse than in 2020, everything was dead, hshq just went quiet and then in january 2022 they gave us new dates literally out of nowhere. And by that time nobody knew they will mix the original Fine Line tour with the tour promoting H’sH because nobody new album was coming. So basically he announced new dates, released new album, played few promo shows including Coachella and The Big Weekend and went straight into touring. And because I’m sure he hated stunting with O and wasn’t expected the stunt to turn into that shitstorm, he at least made it very clear that the album is not about her (eventho some gf harries still think it is about her).

I don’t know what to expect now but I think he will do more promo and hopefully more tv shows (SNL please!). And it’s also unknown how long they will keep the stunt, she still has another round of her play to take place in NY and then shouldn’t she finally be a proper actress and get some movie roles to make a break through in her career and they suddenly won’t have time for dating and we’ll get bua 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe Harry hasn't been around so much for music interviews, but at the time of HSH's release he was everywhere.

Hi, anons!

I think you might be right that things were postponed and didn’t happen the way it's was planned with HsH promo because of covid and his two movies being almost back to back. But god, yes he was everywhere.

I'm not picky when it comes to promo. With him it's usually very het centered and narrative confirming, but i hope he'll do something gay! SNL would be good for something gay. We can at least hope we don’t have to endure Cord*n this time around. I'd also love for him to skip Zane Lowe (too pretentious, i want to roll my eyes). I'd love for him to be on Hot Ones because the interviewer always ask good questions and do Chicken shop date with Amelia for some unhinged aquariusness for us to enjoy! I'd love for him to do Zach Sang if he does radio (because larrie producer lol). I'd also love if he used 1D as promo (and larry, but that's asking for too much ik, ik). No stunts though, please...

#hs4 #solo harry #harry image #holivia for ts

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straycalamities · 1 year

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Okokok so was Eboy ever intended to have lore or did you completely make up his little work scuffle with Entre and 72 on the spot (I think we think about him way more than you intended for us to)

Also sorry for asking two questions but what's your favorite part of your creative process (whether that be a part of drawing or a part of story writing) like what's most fun to you :)

LMAOOO okay eboy was mainly a Joke i wanted to do simply bc i didn’t see another eboy onceler (at least actively?) and id been on vrchat a lot a LOT and there are a LOT of eboys on there so it was on my mind

i actually came up w the concept in dec 2021 but then last year when i actually made him it was definitely fueled by covid brain

eboys “lore” typically just comes to me in the moment and i just go “haha what if this?” (honestly that’s typically how i’ve always worked for askblogs)

but the history of eboy and entre comes from the fact i knew i wanted eboy to just be a model and not actually run his own company bc i thought that fit the gimmick better and i was trying to think of who for and was talking to miru abt it and she suggested entre, i said i was thinking mronceler, and it just kinda happened in our conversation that he used to model for entre and then left and started to work for mronceler and entre didn’t care until that happened now he’s bitter and i thought it was funnee so i did it

weehawken eboy i actually thought a little more through what i wanted for him beforehand and he wasn’t AS on the fly

AND DONT BE SORRY FOR MULTI QUESTIONS i eat them all

my favorite process in being creative has to be the part where things start to Click together and you’re like in that moment of O_O holy shit wait this and this aAND THIS??? AND THIS!!!

so i guess technically i enjoy the concepting part more than anything else. i love taking things apart and putting them back together and finding out what makes things work or tick so when things just Fit or work in an idea especially if i’m struggling with it…man…there’s nothing better 👌😩

my favorite part of drawing is the sketching part bc i just Go and don’t care abt it and then the fun part is over and i have to line it and tighten it up smh

#rocky-the-rockstar #asks

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thebossestunicycle · 10 months

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not even 2018 me would believe my situation right now.

i have this friend that i’ve known since 3rd grade. he’s actually why i got into music in the first place since he invited me to see a concert with him. it was my first and it changed everything about music for me, even though i only went because I liked him. this was in 7th grade.

flash forward to 9th grade, when we ended up at the same high school. i still had feelings for him but we had kinda drifted apart due to some stereotypical middle school drama in our friend group back in 8th grade. For some reason, I get another one of my friends to try to set me up with him. He rejected me. Between the embarrassment I felt and the pandemic that shortly followed, we drifted entirely.

but in full honesty, despite how hard i tried to scoff the idea of him off, i missed him. our moms are friends so i heard about him all the time. i wanted to talk to him again, but i thought he would want nothing to do with me if he found out i was trans (i was closeted outside of my very small circle). i would see him in the halls all the time and the most we would say to each other was hi.

it made me sad, but eventually i stopped thinking about him. music became my life over covid and i decided that it was something i wanted to pursue in some way for the rest of my life. that’s what made me land on audio engineering.

so i got into my first choice school for the program i wanted. I had learned how to play bass just to get in since I wanted a change from percussion. Decision day comes and everyone at our high school has on a sweatshirt from their college.

i look through the crowd only to see that he had on the exact same sweatshirt as me. later, his mom told my mom he was going to school for this weird major called audio engineering, and since it was a music school, he auditioned on bass.

insane odds right?! when i found that out, i really didn’t know how to feel. i thought i was never going to see him again after high school. i planned to go by a new name that wasn’t even close to my old one. i felt like i needed to reconnect with him but i was afraid he wouldn’t accept me. so at first, i planned to act like i barely knew him.

flash forward 6 months. he is genuinely my best friend at this college. sometimes our bass professor is an ass and we laugh our way through it. i have every class with him besides for my math and writing classes. we get dinner together on monday nights and breakfast every morning (fuck those 8AMs, man). more importantly, it’s like we picked off right where we left off years ago. the only difference is that he calls me a different name.

our time together had sent me digging through all those old thoughts again, and over the past month, i’ve started to realize that maybe some of those feelings never died. he’ll do the smallest thing for me and i can feel myself almost turning red. i feel like I’m floating after we hang out.

i’ve never had feelings leave me as dumbfounded as i am now.

when i get back home, all these what ifs flood my head. part of me really believes we could have been something if I wasn’t trans. today we looked at each other in a way that I kinda can’t describe and now I’m scared that he still sees me as a woman. what would he do if he ever found out i was into him again? what would the next 4 years of school look like, where I’m in a class with just him and the 3 other bassists in our grade?

on nights like these, i sit around and listen On The Floor by Perfume Genius until my brain can’t take it anymore, when i’m sure I knocked all of those feelings out of my system, because I know for a fact that we will never happen. but then i wake up and walk down to our class and by the end of the day, i feel everything all over again.

how long is this gonna last?

#collegeposting #sorry i never post anymore im clearly uhhhh occupied with other things #vent #gay #as #fuck

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fuckitcryssii · 2 years

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On December 21, 2021 at around 5am I got woken up by my sister Nicole telling me that our neighbor Aisha and her foster daughter who we can call Syd were outside arguing with each other because her Syd had called 911 to get an ambulance to go to the hospital. Syd had covid unknowingly and she felt as if she was about to pass out and felt as if her foster mother Aisha wasn’t doing enough to help her. Plus the child had already been out of work 3 days and needed a covid test to give me her job so she could remain out of work. I had assisted my neighbor Aisha many times before with her foster children because at times they could be too much for her to handle. On this particular day I intervened I asked Aisha if it would be okay for Syd to come to my home to give her a break and I would go find a covid test for her. That’s exactly what I did I went to multiple pharmacies to find covid test, I administered it to Syd and sent the test results to aisha. She asked me if I would keep her until she got in touch with the Syd’s case worker and I agreed. I also had Syd call her caseworker the soonest we knew she would answer. She asked the caseworker if she could quarantine in my home until the caseworker cound find her a new placement. The caseworker agreed because the child is 17 and all is fine up to this point.

On Christmas Eve I am in bed sick with covid myself at this point when Syd was feeling better and decided without my knowledge to go over to Aisha’s home to get her clothes and things because she wanted to shower. I suddenly hear a commotion outside and again my sister comes to get me out of my bed telling me neighbor Aisha and Syd were outside arguing again, but this time she had got one from her other foster children who we will call Mimi to fight Syd and things quickly escalated. By the time I had gotten outside they were no longer fighting anymore, but Mimi was still trying charge at the Syd was now standing on the porch yelling from my home. I quickly intervened trying to defuse the situation. Aisha had about five to six girls living in her home at the time and all minus two were in my yard yelling and screaming back and force with my children as I tried to defuse. Aisha however was no where in site even though she was fully a where of what was happening. My fiancé and I had to go to her home to see what was going on and what had happened. At this point even she was impossible to deal with or talk too. She has being nasty calling Syd bitches , sluts, you name it. Still stating how she would have mimi beat her up again. My fiancé had had enough and told her what she was saying wasn’t not okay and to chill. It lend to us getting into an argument. She felt we were taking the child’s side and we told her what she was saying and doing was wrong. The policed were called an informed us that we needed to call 696kids to report her and make a complaint with the foster agency she was with and we did both. The officer also stated that she would be making a report also because they get so many calls to her home and all the kids can’t be lying. Aisha than came and throw another foster child’s clothes who had ran away earlier all over my porch thinking it was Syd’s clothes. We exchanged text where she admitted to calling the kids bitches when she’s mad. And also how she doesn’t want Syd back in her home for nothing and told me to keep her.

Rewind: We met are neighbor Aeisha through one of her pervious foster kids. We will call her Perry. Perry and my daughter were friends. We fell in love with Perry and wanted to foster to adopt her. We did everything for Perry including clothing and feeding her. Everyday she was in my home from the time she woke up to the time she went to bed. She met my family and they quickly accepted her without hesitation. I have text to prove that also. Anyways Aeisha than introduced us to the fostering agency called Ohio Mentor. We started the training process to become foster parents June of 2021. My fiancé and I had successfully finished all the hours of training required to become foster parents, but we’re still in the process of gathering all of the paper work needed to officially be licensed foster parents when this situation occurred.

Back to Present.

On or around January 20,2022 we had finally heard back from Ohio Mentor regarding the incident. I told them word for word what happened that night and also the outcome of the situation. They also spoke to the foster child regarding this situation.

One January 21, 2022 we got a call the Bill Edwards. He is who has been helping through the process of getting a foster license. Bill called and left a voicemail telling us he had something he needed to talk to is about something. When my fiancé and I spoke to Bill Edwards he informed us that Assessor from Ohio Mentor does not want to license us because according to Aisha we took the foster child Syd out of her home without permission and refused to give her back. I told Bill I would like to talk to his supervisor an also the assessor because I wanted to know how did Ohio Mentor believe this narrative without checking facts such as calling the case worker or my fiancé and I for that matter to ask questions. I informed Bill that I never deleted the text exchange between Aisha stating she did not want Syd back in her home and told me to keep her. We even have photos of the living conditions within her home. He told informed my fiancé and I he would get back to us.

One January 24,2022 we received another voicemail from Bill stating he had talked to his supervisor and the assessor and the assessor was going to talk to their supervisor and get back to us.

It is now January 10, 2023 And I have not heard anything back from anyone at Ohio Mentor. We started this process of becoming foster parents more then year ago and everything we have accomplished has gon to waste. All training we worked so hard at is expired and our dreams of fostering to adopt Perry are gone without so much as proper explanation.

My fiancé and I went through all the proper channels to handle this situation the right way and in the end we got the short end of the stick. Since then Aisha has still been able to foster children without consequence. No one has asked to see the text messages to see that she lied nor pictures of the living conditions within her home.

I feel as if Ohio mentor went with the narrative so quickly because Aisha has been reliable for Ohio Mentor when needing to place children and she has been with the company ten+ years. I want to sue Aisha for defamation and Ohio Mentor too for whatever I can if possible. Emotional distress, pain suffering and defamation.

Losing Perry hurts the most. I’ve felt closer to Perry then my own stepdaughter. We were inseparable. I feel as if I was robbed of the opportunity to be a parent to Perry. Perry even hates me and thinks I abandoned her and so much more because of the things Aisha told her. She’s sent me text messages calling me a bitch and has played on my phone on multiple occasions since then. Help do I have a case?

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