#and there's another rapist in my past who i still can't like read

[not-poignant]

Hi! I’m really enjoying Stain! I started reading it right after finishing Wind because I loved your writing so much, it’s actually got me back into reading fanfic after a long slump, so thank you for that! I know this is a ridiculous ask and I’m sorry for even asking, but I was just wondering if the therapist character is going to be prominent moving forward? Tim is the name of my abuser and I know it’s silly but I find it pretty triggering seeing that name when I’m not expecting it. It caught me off guard in the last chapter and now I’m just a bit shaken and worried that it’s going to kill my enjoyment of the rest of the fic. Basically I’m just wondering if he’ll be there a lot and specifically mentioned by name? Again sorry for asking I know it’s dumb. Thank you for writing these beautiful fics, I hope you’re having a great day!

Hi anon,

As someone with PTSD, who has found character names triggering in the past, all I can suggest is that you stop reading and take care of yourself, until you reach a point where the name doesn't cause the same reaction in you anymore.

I've written a story about a character who shared a name with a rapist in my past, and for most of my life I would never have been able to do that, and couldn't even be friends with people who shared his name, and then one day I could write a long multi-chaptered story, and have a lot less problems with the name. Hopefully one day you get a bit more distance that way as well. Therapy and a lot of time helped, and also just not forcing myself to be around it until I knew I could handle it better.

But until then, it's not good to push yourself, and I am not planning this story, but the therapist is definitely mentioned again by name and will likely be in at least one scene in the future.

Since you already know this makes you shaken, the best option is to simply stop reading. It's not dumb to ask at all, you're looking out for yourself, and that way I can give you an informed answer. :)

Reading a story you're enjoying is not worth being triggered, and there are millions of other fics on AO3, and quite a lot of them are good!

[tsbs-ship-hate-confessions]

Honest to God there is nothing more hypocritical of a bunch of whiny proshippers complaining about hate

yet preach free speech as long as they get to jerk off to kids getting fucked by their parents.

The hypocrisy is appalling.

'oh oh proshipping doesn't mean that stuff anymore, we're Clearly anti censorship oh oh the horrors of being called a creep for making celestialcest smut and giggling about siblings diddling each other. but we totally don't glorify dark topics why would you say such a thing'

like pick a fucking struggle. deal with the consequences of your actions. None of this is okay.

And mind you, this is coming from someone who is a major proponent of dark fiction. people should get to write whatever fucked up shit they want to. coping, venting, idc the reason

but you cannot honest to God be stupid enough to assume you're not a walking red flag. No one owes you trust that you're 'doing it for the right reasons' or 'don't support the morally stripped content' just like how you don't have to owe anyone an explanation. That street goes both ways

It's even stupider, when these fucks are all like 'u should clearly know I don't condone this'. I'm sorry, are we all a hivemind now? Are we above communication? It literally cost nothing to add a note of 'hey btw I think this shit isn't okay in case you can't read the room'. if ppl decide to assume bad faith after that then that's on them. but being a fucking mule about it? really? thought we were supposed to be adults here

speaking of which

"Children shouldn't be reading this anyway, My audience is smarter than that" ok thanks for infatizing and being ablest. nothing says fun like attempting to grow and try new things regardless of learning disabilities. or do you think we all roll over and die before highschool?

Also are we gonna brush past the part where the sun and moon show is literally made with kids in mind? Why again are we so desperate for smut over a show literally built around found family? 'everyone here is so immature' yeah bud, it takes one to know one. we were all kids. all of us were the newbies of the internet at one point. I ain't saying ya gotta hold anyone's hand or babysit but is throwing a hissy fit over finding spiders in a jar labeled spider the hill you really wanna die on? if you don't like it, leave

you literally preach that same shit yet seldomly follow your own advice.

Actually, let's go a step further: you're not welcomed here anymore than the gore anons are

P.S.

The reason why murder and gore is more acceptable than pedophilia smut is because one of these attracts actual predators. Porn is still porn at the end of the day, whether it's video or a picture, or words. and if it's on a screen it will fuck your head up the same way you can't have just one cigaret. it's always 'one more can't hurt' until it's an addiction you cannot escape from. And once someone is in that cycle, it gets worse. because soon the same thing that got rocks off doesn't work anymore. so then you find something stronger to get that high. then you have to find another stronger way to get that same effect

And that is exactly how convicted pedophiles go from using fictional kiddy porn to actual csem. There is actual fucking evidence for this shit with neurobiology and psychology to back it up

TL;DR violent video games don't create serial killers because people can only have a dopamine addiction. video game addiction is like sugar addiction Porn however can most definitely create pedophiles and rapist because of the involvement of dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, vasopressin. porn addiction is like meth or heroin

These 2 are Not remotely comparable to the other 2

ALL, actions have consequences. It does not matter if you are a celebrity, or a fic author with 3 views. You are not an exception, and you feed the machine that gets kids groomed, trafficked, and even killed when you choose to sexualize and normalize pedophilia and incest.

So if you're getting shamed for getting giddy over shipping shit like Killcode and Bloodmoon or Sun and Dazzle. maybe you should think long and hard about why that is.

This is so much bigger than fighting over 'making dolls kiss'.

Get the fuck out of a fandom filled with kids before you get someone hurt

-

[scaly-freaks]

Just read the newest chapter and I desperately need to tell you how amazing your writing is. I can’t quite explain the feelings that Aegon gave me in this chapter. I genuinely felt afraid as if I was in Amara’s place, like he seems so sinister and I don’t know if I genuinely just wanted to think of him as like a fun guy who ‘loves’ her so I ignored his red flags but this chapter has struck me. Your writing is so entrancing and each character is fleshed out so beautifully. I loved the part where Rhaenyra and Alicent met and I also loved how you wrote about Alicent’s marriage to Viserys and Rhaenyra’s feelings about this, because it’s also how I felt when I watched the show and I think many people sometimes choose to interpret it differently. The last part with Aegon and Amara actually made me hold my breath the whole way through. Like I cant explain it but your writing is so amazing there’s so much tension and you can feel each characters emotions so deeply. Aegon actually terrified me towards the end and it reminded me of earlier on in the previous chapters where he got annoyed with Amara when he realised what she was doing when he opened up to her. The way he was treating Jaehaera was so cute and then my jaw literally dropped when he was talking to Amara about how he was plotting on her on his injury bed like wow… You’re a wonderful writer and I can’t wait for the next chapter. <3

Thank you so much! I really, really love writing dark characters (no, really) so it felt like homecoming letting him finally lean into it. With a fantasy fic, there's more pressure for me than with a modern AU to deal with plot over characterisation, so sometimes I want to go full dark and just dive into the psyche, but then it's like urgh I gotta handle the politics, hang on -

I think Aegon definitely wants to be the fun guy, and is finding it difficult to face the fact that he can no longer be that same guy he was. He's been through a war, was incapacitated, still has scars, is the king etc etc. Just like Amara can no longer be "just a jester." It's like the sprouting of wisdom teeth - it's happening, and there will never be a time before you knew what it felt like to have them sprout. They both have to deal with it. I love that he Stockholmed you into wanting to believe he's lighthearted though bc this plot twist must have hit.

Writing Aegon is so.....URGH. Because he's such a fucked up character in canon no matter how you look at it, but I prefer him that way. I can't read depictions of him where he's whitewashed because it doesn't hit, but sometimes I can feel myself wanting to whitewash his edges a bit just to keep some warmth in the story (a bit of levity here and there ya know). But I dropped all that and leaned into the aggression of his wants and desires (he wants the throne, he wants his mother to love him, he wants his brother's undying allegiance, he wants Rhaenyra to bend the knee and never rise again) and realised, hey, if he's as intense with them everywhere else, he's definitely wanted Amara the same way but decided to "pretend" otherwise because he liked her personality more than he's ever liked his own. In all honesty he's probably jealous deep down of how loved she is in her family and wants a slice of the pie by being the object of her love ("sucking on the back of her leg to stay warm" ethel cain vibes).

And ARGH Rhaenyra...so happy with how she's turning out :") I wondered about show!Nyra and if she ever wondered what it was like for Alicent because I think she was more empathetic than Book!Nyra. And then how any woman feels in this medieval world knowing a male relative has done something as heinous as sexually assault another woman (Alicent with Aegon on the show is a clear example). They can feel however they want about it, but the rules are that they have to then move past it. Rhaenyra moved past it and decided to not blame Alicent for marrying him (at least in my fic) but also couldn't think of her father as a rapist. It's just how it ended up (but she knows deep down that he is).

Thank you so much for this lovely ask and sorry for the yapfest!!

[courtana]

another rant on a toxic user and fic writer in the COD fandom world — scroll past if you don't care

trigger warning: mentions of rape, incest, and abuse

First, the tumblr user lululandd began bombarding my inbox, calling me names in their vague posts— all because I said that I wished people were more respectful in what type of content they add when they reblog my posts. They'll have full blown convos about unrelated material under my gifs, while ignoring my gifs entirely or ignoring me. It's a pattern of disregarding the labor of creatives on this website. This happens to gif-makers and I'm sure fic writers too.

I told them it's not too much to ask people to be respectful while also asking them to reblog rather than simply like things. I obviously can't control other people's behavior. But I consider that this is part of basic tumblr etiquette for years now.

Nonetheless, her unwavering defense is that this is the internet and people can do whatever they want and people can add whatever they want (Hold onto this thought)—even if it means personally making people uncomfortable or purposefully triggering them, even out of deliberate spite in some cases...

Anyway, the bottom line is, lululandd has a track record of attacking gifmakers in the COD fandom who don't like rape/incest/abusive fanfics either. Which makes sense, considering she writes and shares this content too. She's probably targeted my blog, seeing a window of opportunity, simply because I've vocally stated that I am not a fan of rape/incest/abusive fanfics. Obviously I can't stop people from reblogging or writing/reading those fics! But other people on tumblr and I have asked that people tag their work correctly, hide it under read more/cuts, and also maybe reconsider posting it in mainstream fanfiction tags if it's particularly dark work.

This is from their pinned bio:

And this is a message she's posted to someone a few months back for simply stating they don't like seeing their favorite characters portrayed as toxic, abusive, and/or sexually aggressive bordering on sexual assault. (Headcanoning someone as a rapist/abuser isn't the same as headcanoning someone as being goofy or weird, for the record):

She blocked that user right after writing that.

TLDR: lululandd has a grudge against me and other gifmakers whom she's blocked simply because we don't put aside our personal dislike for rape/incest/abuse and worship her and others' writing. So, she takes it out on us by stating we're 'suburban christian moms' and saying that we simply want to control what other people do. That's not the case. I don't support censorship (can't believe I have to say that, lol) but I can still actively dislike certain genres of dark writing where there is a non-critical depiction of rape or abuse. But this user sees this as a personal attack, and thinks it justifies sending hate messages and writing vague posts about me and my other mutuals.

Also: fun fact! Someone replied to lululandd's post where they were vague-posting about me, name-calling me and calling me a "suburban Christian mom" (girl I'm a bi Latina who lives in urban downtown parts of cities primarily, but yeah I was raised Catholic, so what? What does religion have anything to do with how people interact with my blog?) And someone simply said that I wasn't asking for too much. I said, "thanks! that's common sense!"

Then lululandd proceeded to turn off replies and to delete my reply saying "thanks!" — BUT I THOUGHT WE COULD POST ABOUT ANYTHING AND ADD ANYTHING TO PEOPLE'S POSTS ON THE INTERNET?!? 🤯

Anyway, I've blocked lululandd and I encourage others to do the same if you dislike people thinking you're obligated to read triggering content and sending hate messages to people's inboxes. But then again, you don't have to because, ✨people can do whatever they want on the internet! ✨

[libertyreads]

April TBR 2024--

This next month is set to be full of rereads, hockey romances, and new to me books. It is also the month I'm starting a certification program so it will probably be a bit of a struggle to get through this month's TBR. I don't even remember the last time I've thought that about a month's TBR. I really hope I have as much fun with this TBR as I'm expecting to. I've really been in the mood for these rereads and these hockey romance so I'm excited to finally get to it.

Silver in the Bone by Alexandra Bracken-- This is just one of a few rereads this month. Book two in the series comes out next month. I originally read this one as an ARC so I definitely need a refresher first. Tamsin Lark is a mortal with no magical talent who was never meant to break into ancient crypts or compete with sorceresses and Cunning folk for the treasures inside. But treasure hunting is the only way she could keep herself and her brother Cabell alive following her thieving foster father's disappearance. Ten years later she's looking for a ring that is supposed to save her brother from a curse. It's based in Arthurian legend.

Teen Titans: Beast Boy by Kami Garcia and Gabriel Picolo-- Another reread before a new book in the series. I remember enjoying this one slightly less than Raven's book, but I still enjoyed meeting a new character and getting their origin story. I also felt like it addressed an issue that isn't brought up a lot: male body image issues. We see it addressed a lot in fiction for girls, but there are boys who also go through this growing up. Plus it's beast boy and lots of green animals.

The Score by Elle Kennedy-- A hockey romance! I've been so in the mood for hockey romances this year. I don't know if it's because I found a few new to me authors and bought some kindle books for Christmas or what. In this one we follow Allie Hayes who is in crisis mode. Graduation is looming and she's dealing with a broken heart thanks to the end to her longtime relationship. Wild rebound sex is definitely not the solution to her problems, but gorgeous hockey star Dean Di Laurentis is impossible to resist. Just one though because even if her future is uncertain it sure as heck doesn't include Dean. It seems like he's going to pursue her after she puts him in the friend zone following their one night stand. I love it when the guy falls first or the guy is pursuing the girl so I'm looking forward to this one.

Stars and Smoke by Marie Lu-- The last of the rereads for this month. I'm so excited for the next book too. In this one we follow an international pop sensation named Winter Young who is brought into the world of spies when a major crime boss gifts his daughter a private concert with Winter for her birthday. Sydney Cossette is a member of the elite covert ops group who is forced to work alongside Winter to infiltrate the crime organization's inner circle. This was such a fun and quick read for me last year and I can't wait to go back into this world of glitz, glam, and spies.

Bad Men by Julie Mae Cohen (NetGalley)-- This one just sounded so good when I saw it on NetGalley. It's unhinged women at its finest. Saffy Huntley-Oliver is an intelligent and glamorous socialite; she also happens to be a proficient serial killer. Over the course of fifteen years, she's dispatched bad men--rapist, murderers, domestic abusers. But leading a double life has left her lonely. Dating's rough when your boyfriend might turn out to be your next victim. Saffy thinks she's finally found a truly good man in Jonathan Desrosiers, a true crime podcaster. This is a feminist thriller that asks if even a serial killer can have a happily ever after. My hopes for this one? Rich people drama and some mad women.

The Hemlock Queen by Hannah F. Whitten (New Release)-- The second book in the series is finally coming out. This series starts with Lore, who has a dark power and a hidden past, as we follow her into the intrigue of the Sainted King's royal court. The king and his priest manipulate Lore and have her spy on the prince in order to determine just who is killing the villages at the edge of the kingdom. We follow on from the events of the first book in this new one.

My Lucky #13 by Piper Rayne (Kindle)-- A hockey player who is going through a scoring draught is worried he's going to get traded before the deadline if he doesn't turn it around. Following a New Year's Eve with a woman, he has a waterfall of goals and knows he has to see her again. She wants nothing to do with him and he feels his has to change her mind. A hero falls first sounding story that I'm so looking forward to. I will say that there's a very obvious hockey error in the synopsis of this one and we all know I'm a little picky about hockey details. But I'll try to keep an open mind on this one.

Just Do This One Thing For Me by Laura Zimmerman (Library)-- I'm going to pull the synopsis straight from GoodReads since it's a Mystery/Thriller and those are hard to explain at the best of times: "'Just do this one thing for me.' Drew's mother says it more often than good morning. Heidi Hill has been juggling shady side hustles for all of Drew's seventeen years, and Drew knows that 'one thing' really means all the necessary things her mother thinks are boring, including taking care of her fifteen-year-old sister and eight-year-old brother. In fact, Drew is the closest thing to a responsible adult they've ever known. When their mother disappears on the way to a New Year's Eve concert in Mexico and her schemes start unraveling, Drew is faced with a choice: Follow the rules, do the responsible thing, and walk away--alone--from her mother's mess. Or hope the weather stays cold, keep the cons going, and just maybe hold her family together."

[intertexts]

ok so i haven't actually made it far past the brian interlude yet, I'm just in the chapter after that where lisa called them saying coil wanted a meeting w all of them to test out Brian's new powers (excited for that!!!!!!!!) and they're still having Conversations.

man. i love them a lot. I was sold on brian 100% ever since he met Taylor that one morning and brought her coffee and pastries. like. they're just. aauagahghh secret third thing!!! they're messy and they're mad at each other and maybe dealing with feelings they don't really know how to express and they just. want to be close to each other but don't know how. and they're both so bad at it. aauaghrbrhghh. never gonna be over alec and aisha referring to them + lisa as The Trio. like. yeah they fucking are aren't they!!!!!!! all three of them feel like. in another world where things weren't fucked up and bad all the time they should've been childhood best friends living in the same neighborhood and hanging out in eachother's backyards after school. but theure NOT and it's SO PAINFUL to me that it can never be like that. godddddddd. Lisa and taylor deserve to go to the market together again. hang out in a mall for an afternoon and just shoot the shit. be teenage girls!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!

also huge huge huge fan of the alec/aisha dynamic. shit eating grin stupid asshole kids. annoying little siblings coded. i love them so much. I need them 2 cause trouble together so bad. i keep forgetting how fucking young Alec especially is because he's just. he's soooo fucked. he's so fucked. and he's done so much terrible stuff and had terrible stuff done to him it FEELS like he should at the very least be the same age as Brian. but he's NOT. he's fucking 15 !!!!!!! what the hell!!!! he should be . sitting on the couch playing Xbox games for a borderline unhealthy amount of time and not doing his homework. do u know what I mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this turned into me judt talking abt how much I have emotions about the undersiders and not much more for my predictions but. I just think about them a lot ok. I can't believe ANYONE would EVER even suggest that they were never friends. did we read the same fucking story??????? hello?????????

MAN.... horse staring at ocean.png. i love you undersiders. brian taylor lisa!!!! yeah!!! the trio..... three of them do not separate... they should have been childhood best friends but in another world where they never went through lifeshattering horrors!!! sidebar i was rereading some of early colony this morning & taylor's casual narration of clearing her gun and knife and shit off the couch so they can take a nap, her one-line mention of grabbing her glasses and knife and phone and gun off the coffee table when she wakes up... just. took me the fuck out i couldn't stop thinking of that chapter ending in one of the first undersiders chapters when she's lying to her dad over the phone & staring at the pistol out on a table and going "yeah, they're good people." god. they are sixteen!!!! lisa and taylor should be out bein friends... but like. yeah. how do they exist with each other outside of work? it's been so long since they even tried a pretense at normalcy...

ALEC AND AISHA. god. they r genuinely everything to me on the exact same level as brianlisataylor.. they are so young. they'd be ninth graders....... i know exactly what u mean!!!!!!!!!! woe!!!!!!!!! curse of alec vasil emotions be upon u!!!! shitty little brother who belongs annoying people & playing overwatch with his bestfriend & instead is unbelievably fucked in the head from being raised by abusive rapist serial killers with mind control powers. lmao. & the same goes for aisha too..... if i think about aisha for too long i will dissolve into dust. head in hands.

[huasahyo]

I finished reading Yuwu! (Spoilers ahead!)

OKAY, YUWU WAS PAINFULLY AMAZING. I still don't get the lack of content for this fandom??? In comparison to 2ha, Yuwu fandom seems way smaller and THAT'S UNFAIR. This story is so well written, the plot meticulously tied together and the characters are complex and very interesting. In a personal analysis, I liked the plot in Yuwu better than 2ha, cause I feel like in Yuwu, the main characters are closer to and are more affected by the plot? But 2ha stills pulls at my heartstrings more, in fact, every time I read the word Haitang in Yuwu, I GOT TRIGGERED, the trauma is real. AND THE FACT THAT MURONG CHUYI IS AN ACTUAL CHARACTER IN THIS??? At first, I thought that was simply kinda weird to have a character so similar to Chu Wanning in this (given that this is a prequel to 2ha, so couldn't be a reincarnation thing) but I changed my mind throughout the book and really enjoyed the reason for their similarities (the one stated at the end).

The whole Yue Family plot was really painful. In fact, one of the points I disliked is that my boy Yue Chenqing gets the Xue Meng part in the ending: he ends all "alone"! Like, can't Mo Xi send him a letter in secret or something... at least so he can know that everyone he cares about didn't die?

Also, why does everyone despises Jiang Yexue so much? Alright, him being sort of a villain caught me off guard but taking a look at the whole story, Yexue was a really good person until he infected by demonic qi. And remember, he got infected while saving Yue Chenqing (that at this point had unknowingly stolen everything from him). As Yexue fought the demonic qi, he was all alone, so he just stopped fighting... all of his actions after were probably inducted by the qi.

If there is someone really despicable in the story, that is Yue Juntian. A literal rapist who treated his children like mud. Terrible.

And also, the emperor Murong Chen was a great manipulator, props to him. In order to achieve the control of the whole world he was willing to fool everyone. I just thought his motivations were kinda weird, his ambition came sort of out of anger of being in the position of a ruler, seen as nothing more than that. I genuinely believed he wanted a better world in that scene where he plays the Xiao for the 70 thousand souls.

AND DAMN GIRL MURONG MENGZE... I wasn't expecting the last turn of events about her. At first I suspected her, then I thought she was a nice person and felt bad for suspecting her and at the end... lmao. But I enjoyed her character, she is a evolved version of her older brother. To be a knowledgeable ruler, she was willing to manipulate and kill, but also willing herself to go through some shit. Of course I was mad at her for putting our main characters through suffering but when she abolished slavery and shown herself to be an actually great ruler who cares about the country, I was sold. My girl (should I still use she/her pronouns on her? Idk!) is a baddie. (And poor Zhou He lmao I thought he was kinda hot, it's a pity he died)

And was not expecting another shizun fucker in this. Hua Po'an being the shizun fucker then... that was surprising. When he was first mentioned I was 100% on his side: A slave going against the country that enslaved them? Totally reasonable. The part that sucks it's that he used a lot of our poor Butterfly Boned Beauty Feasts to achieve his goals and that he was clearly a madman. But that 9 eyed qin was badass, when he uses it to conjure past general Gu... CHILLS, LITERAL CHILLS.

And poor Jiang Fuli... this was another surprising character, I thought he would be just a side character and a reference to Jiang Xi. I couldn't predict how involved he was in the plot, wow.

AH LET ME TALK ABOUT MURONG LIAN. In this blog we do not tolerate any hate towards our Wangshu-jun. He is definitely my favorite character out of everyone. At first I thought he would just be our regular annoying villain, and I was pretty angry at how he treated Gu Mang. But as the story progressed his presence made everything funnier (that one scene where he saves Gu Mang from having wine thrown at him LMAO) and when he tries to save Gu Mang from being taken by Zhou He LIKE HIS LIFE DEPENDED ON IT... I was like: okay that's suspicious.

I originally didn't like the plot of Gu Mang being actually a noble. But as we read we understand that this doesn't change the fact he lived most of his life as a slave.

The whole Ximang relationship was cute and painful. Seeing our (debatable) cold Mo Xi fall in love with someone he thinks doesn't love him back and then this person backstabs him. This person comes back and doesn't remember anything from the past. And then he discovers there's more to the backstabbing story! He has to endure watching said person struggle A LOT omg... I cried with him in a lot of moments.

Oh, and I really liked the spiritual weapons in this! Really cool! Tuntian was a very interesting twist and I liked how that explained Mo Xi being so strong.

THE PLOT TWIST ABOUT THE LITTLE SACHET (I have no idea what that thing is called in English, but you know what I am talking about) ???? THAT WAS... I was speechless.

About the ending, I actually thought it would be a reincarnation open ending and was kinda meh about it. But then, our savior (mysterious dude that kinda looks like Xie Lian??? Idk about yall but I was picturing him inside my head) appeared and gave us a miracle! Very cute ending <3

BY THE WAY, I finished Yuwu mid January and just finished writing this now, at the end of February lol

Hopefully I will draw some content to this fandom in the future, while trying to convince people to read it.

Also, as of now I have just finished the second volume of Qiang Jin Jiu and booooooy I have a lot to say about this masterpiece, just wait for my review. (Or no? No one reads these anyways lol).

[ottovonruthie]

A Little Life: Final Review

I copied over my review, and the italics parts are my new thoughts after letting this book sit with me for a few more hours. If you haven't finished reading the book, you might not want to read this, as there are some spoilers. Feel free to comment about your thoughts!

There are two types of readers for this book: those who love it and those who loathe it. Unfortunately, I am the latter.

This book receives a lot of praise for its beautiful writing, and I can understand why. However, I wish Hanya (the author) had done more with the story. The idea of introducing us to four friends, Jude, Willem, JB, and Malcolm, initially interested me as I thought I would get to see how their lives change throughout the book. But I feel cheated out of that experience.

Now, here comes the bad part.

This story is completely unbelievable, even laughable in its incredibility. Someone on TikTok described this book as "trauma porn," and I wholeheartedly agree and would call it that to this day. Let me explain why it's unbelievable. If we correctly form the timeline of Jude's life, it goes something like this:

He was abandoned at birth, taken to a monastery where he was molested and abused, then pimped out and molested by Brother Luke. Later, he gets abused and molested by counsellors, followed by a hitchhiking journey where he conveniently encounters only pedophiles, selling his body for a ride to Dr. Traylor, who causes spinal damage and also molests and abuses him again. If you think that's shocking, there's more. In the present-day timeline, despite struggling with immense trauma, Jude opens himself up to love and meets Caleb, who turns out to be another abuser and rapist. But it doesn't end there. After spending 100 pages discussing why Jude doesn't want to have sex due to his past trauma, Hanya forces a romantic relationship with Willem (after previously insisting that their friendship was platonic and joyful). This contradictory portrayal continues when Jude, who initially (and still) didn't want to have sex, ends up having a sexual relationship with Willem, creating another problem in the book.It raises the question of is it still consent if the person is just engaging in the act for your benefit but not because they truly want to?

Jude's relationship with JB is no better, with JB mocking Jude's disability and misreading a moment, leading to a kiss that Jude perceives as sexual assault. Do you see how implausible this is? It's not that bad things don't happen to people, but in Jude's case, it seems like only bad things happen.

This book is a mockery to anyone who has experienced sexual assault or abuse because it diminishes the authenticity of real-life experiences and seems to rely on shock value. I almost felt as if Hanya's thought process was that the more he gets assaulted, the more deserving he is of our love, and we should feel sorry for him. But no, this is not a competition of oppression when it comes to sexual assault. Getting assaulted once is already inhumane.

Another laughable aspect of this book is that Jude never attended formal school or received a proper education, yet somehow manages to get into college. Not to sound elitist, but come on now? Just off Brother Luke teachings?

Another problem with the book is its ableism and homophobia.

Ignoring the sexual assault aspect for a moment (I hate that I even had to type that), Hanya excessively plays on Jude's injury, portraying him as less than human, broken, and unlovable. This reinforces dehumanising perceptions of disabled people. However, individuals with disabilities, especially physical disabilities, do not hate their bodies every moment of their lives.She even does this with Willem's deceased brother! You can't just reduce disabled people to their disability. That's akin to reducing Harold to just being a man. There's no control over that.

Regarding homophobia, it's concerning that every romantic or sexual encounter Jude has with someone of the same gender results in them becoming an assaulter in his story. I thought we’d see some change with Willem and Jude, but that also led into this.This sends a troubling message that gay men are somehow wrong or problematic. But this book is advertised as pro-LGBTQ?

Now, moving on to the topic of self-harm. Jude engages in self-harm throughout the book, and while I understand that it's a real issue, especially for someone with trauma, it's disturbing that everyone seems to know about it but does little to help him. Even Andy, a licensed doctor, doesn't fully report it, only advising Jude to stop cutting. This lack of support from those around him is inconsistent and problematic, particularly when Andy later blames Willem for not being there for Jude when his self-harm worsens. It's Andy's responsibility as a doctor to provide appropriate care and support. Even Harold and Julia does this weird thing of doing the bare minimum to address it, you adopted this man, act like actual parents. 

Another aspect Hanya fails to analyse is that, as readers, we're supposed to feel sad or pity for Jude, but at times, it becomes apparent that he is also part of the problem. Dealing with trauma is undoubtedly difficult, and healing is not linear, but Jude's actions, including self-harm and suicidal tendencies, seem somewhat performative and manipulative, despite the support given to him by his friends. But maybe manipulative is not the best word to use here, it could be an oversimplification, but as I read a lot of the times he self harms, he essentially keeps people coming back to him?

The reason why this caught my eye was that originally, we are introduced to Jude as one of four characters. However, one of the other three characters also deals with trauma while interacting with Jude. Willem, who was one of the other three, copes with his own trauma stemming from being the perfect child his deceased parents wanted. He also had to form a relationship with his disabled deceased brother, whom his parents seemed to disregard. Seeing how Jude treats himself could act as a trigger for Willem, bringing up memories of his own unresolved trauma.

Witnessing Jude's self-harm and struggles could be emotionally challenging for Willem, forcing him to confront his own pain and perhaps triggering survivor's guilt. While Jude copes with his traumatic past and its consequences, Willem may grapple with complex emotions, considering that he is alive and his brother is disabled and deceased. This contrast might evoke feelings of privilege or survivor's guilt within Willem. Like does Willem ever randomly think would his brother would have pitied himself if he had a chance to grow into adulthood?  Unfortunately, Hanya doesn't provide us with further insights into this dynamic.

We know trauma is interconnected, but Hanya does such an abysmal job of connecting it. Exploring this connection would've added depth to the narrative and examined how relationships can be both a source of solace and distress in times of struggle, instead of simply portraying Jude as a figure deserving only of pity.

Was any of us actually surprised that Jude committed suicide? Hanya hinted at it in the earlier chapters, and many times throughout the book, Jude was referred to in the past tense. The saddest part about that wasn't even the actual deed; it was Harold believing he was the failure that caused it, and Hanya dragged us along for 800 pages.

Returning to my original point about the 4 main characters, the story falls apart around Part 2. Hanya takes a huge leap, where these four struggling college friends suddenly become top achievers in their respective industries without explaining how they got there. In addition, Malcolm just becomes a background character floating in and out, and at times I forgot about his character. There's a lack of character development, and they seem to remain mentally stagnant despite ageing 30 years. They’re basically battling at the same issues in this book with no new perspective as they get older. 

Just for guidance to anyone reading this, I'm not a novice when it comes to books about people struggling with mental health. However, I feel that this book doesn't accurately represent it well. If you're looking for a great book that does portray how trauma presents itself in one's everyday life, I recommend "The Vegetarian" by Han Kang. Han Kang is also another Asian woman author, so if you're interested in supporting and continuing to read Asian authors, she's a wonderful choice.

[typewriter83]

To answer something you wondered when I wrote about chapter 10: yes, I'm the same anon that gives this long ass analysis each chapter.

Some weeks ago I was thinking about your story and I thought "hm, ellie never mentioned riley dying in this universe. Marlene also didn't had any part on this story." But I just forgot about that thought eventually and life passed.

But then you come here and DROP THIS BOMB AND LEAVES? Mama Bear you are.... Oh my god. Okay, I'm skipping to much. Let's go back to the start.

So, I can't stand jackson's council on this story wtf. I mean, in real life is kind of expected that a rapist can get away with the things he did because, well, the world is a bureaucracy that turn simple things into difficult things when it isn't that difficult. But jackson??? The world literally ended, dude. How come they can still look at a rapist and think of some reason he shouldn't be out of the town (not to say dead). I mean, who will stop them? God. Also I feel kind of mad at maria a bit. I mean, I know she feels bad about ellie's situation and that it made her realize she's blind sometimes, but she really chose this moment to back off from the council?? I mean, she could've still be one on the council that could be the voice of the victims (ellie and dina) against david, It's the least she could have done for Ellie after all. She wanted to be bossy and say her unwanted opinions all the time, and now that we want her to do it... Anyways.

So, it's really what you promissed right mama? The 🌶️🌶️🌶️. Girl... Look, reading that whole scene was a mist of ☹️ and 🤭 at the start, david really did some damage to ellie emotionally. But then that freaky ass spicy scene showed up and wuaaaaa *twerking aggressively*. What the fuckkkk. Look, when you made a point of specifying the level of peppers for this chapter, my mind thought of a million things that would have happened in this chapter (when I realized she was on the counter I really thought he was going to kneel and e@t her out. I'm still waiting for that btw), but gurl I would never guess they were going to do that. At one point I remembered Regina's line in meam girls "I was half virgin when I met him" and now I feel like I know what regina was talking about now lmao. Ellie is 98% virgin now. (And I have to tell you ma'm, reading a 🌶️ scene of the forbidden ship with some Rock song playing is another experience. I bet he would've made her 0% virgin if there was some Rock Or Metal playing on that bathroom, he wouldn't have held back).

Joel mentioned Tommy and him are back on talking, bit that hey haven't gone to an understanding. Can you elaborate that? I really wanna know what is stopping them, specially from tommy's part.

He called her pretty gurl in front of Maria and tommy😭 gonna cry. Urgh.

Also, I love how ellie didn't even asked him properly, just gave him an idea but he was already like "yes, anywhere you want". He was so willing to leave. He didn't even think twice (which is good, if you think about some angle. Now they can make any noise as loud as they want without neighbors 🤭 okay I'm gonna stop now). She could ask anything at this point and he would make it come true. He could drop anything for her and you're talented in expressing that in your writing. It makes me wish I was pretty so someone could fall in love with me like this, as intensely and unconditionally as the way you describe joel's love in your stories.

I wonder what marlene and riley's comenack will do. I mean, I'm almost sure there's gonna be some tension in the air when they all reunite because like, she and riley had a thing (innocent and not official, but still a thing), and even a possible beef between riley x joel x ellie, maybe riley would also think he's a dirty old man with no morals and ellie throwing in Riley's face that she left ellie in the past. Marlene, though, is the deal I can't decipher. Why is she going to ellie? I mean, it's gonna take some good affort to convince me she's after ellie for pure emotional reasons. Does she knows ellie can be immune somehow, is that why she's going after ellie? You don't need to answer tho, I just wanted to say everything that comes to my head. All I know is that they all are gonna see how the world is small after this reunion. I mean, What would lead Joel to think that the woman who was his brother's boss for a while is Ellie's mother's best friend? (That even makes me wonder of a "what if" in my mind. how things could have been if any of the millers had contacted ellie earlier through maria in an alternative version of this story. That probably never happened but I really like thinking about past and future and all of that. Blame all the time travel movies I watched lol).

Anways, that was a good chapter, made me real happy to read (I was needing it today, really). Idk if I'm forgetting to mention anything but If I remember something, I will come back. Bye!!

Hello sweet cub - it’s been a week and a half over here, and it was a holiday week! This school year is already kicking our rear ends and September just started.

Learning to Walk and Joellie discussion under cut

Let’s start with David and Jackson - this is not over. 100% this is not over - David is a plot device, and keeping him alive serves a purpose. Trust and believe, I had his 💀 written - WRITTEN - and decided to keep his sick ass around for another day (another chapter, another story - remember I vaguely mention a trilogy?). Maria needs to check herself - because if she doesn’t, she’s going to wonder how she lost her husband, because Tommy is waking up (growing up?) and he’s gonna play a role in where we’re going too. I said earlier that Maria won’t make a 180, but she does need to rethink what it means to be living at the end of the world - old world laws don’t work anymore, and neither does Joel’s idea of justice (it does, lol but it doesn’t).

Mama cannot promise to not bitch about writing spicy scenes, lol - they’re hard for me to write, that probably won’t change. However, the more I write, it does happen faster, which is progress for me. And… well, we’re about to send Joel and Ellie off on their on for awhile and… you never know what might happen when they’re secluded up in the mountains with no electricity and only each other for company - winter is coming, cubs. 🌶️🌶️ and our “almost virgin” will get her moment - I promise, I’ve already plotted it out - and Joel teaching her some other 🌶️🌶️ stuff, too - just saying.

Tommy and Joel have a tumultuous relationship at best; and Tommy wants that relationship but he doesn’t know what that would look like. Joel has kept to himself a lot, and promised Tommy he would make an effort after Austin was born, but now that he’s clearly chosen Ellie, where does that leave Tommy? Resolutions and a glimpse of what their future will looking like are coming - think boys sitting around a campfire, I have an idea.

Joel choosing Ellie without even thinking - go listen to Post Malone’s “Hide My Gun” - it could go either way with Joel or Ellie asking the other to not ask questions, just hide my gun, but in this case it’s Ellie asking him “would you pack and never-coming-back-again bag?” And the answer is - “when are we leaving?” Not why, not how, just when. Honestly, I think if Joel could, he would find somewhere else for them - he would put her in a truck and drive her off into the sunset. Also, sweet cub, being pretty has nothing to do with loving someone unconditionally 🩷 Joel was shot by this girl, and he still loves her and has made it clear that regardless of their relationship status, he will drop everything and run with her.

I was very vague about Riley - I think she was mentioned two, maybe three, times in the whole story. But Ellie does tell Joel that she cared about her, and then Riley left - hence Ellie’s abandonment issues, right? Riley’s return to Ellie’s life will cause problems (Marlene too, but for other reasons) - a sense of “I’m back, let’s pick up where we left off” which is the kind of vibes Riley gives off - IMO - especially in the show. There’s going to be some canon parallels with both Marlene and Riley, and I don’t want to give anything away - but there’s going to be an adventure coming for this universe. But in essence, Marlene is pissed at Riley for “not securing Ellie” - because everyone in Marlene’s circle is always passed off, including her best friend’s daughter - Marlene expected Riley to close the deal on Ellie, because she didn’t bother to raise her, but she knows Ellie is smart and talented and would have a place in the Fireflies revolution. That’s pretty vague and doesn’t give much away - and I’ve been asked about Ellie’s immunity in this universe before and I won’t give that away either - gonna have to stay tuned for Part 2

Thanks for always coming back!

🫶🏻

[renatedagmarmilada]

My prison //RENATE FEKETE- call name fletcher bounty/ has got worse than ever, with the Mankovitzes and Turnbull's in charge of St barth Human Research. I went just up the road to buy milk at Iceland, someone was paid to run into my home. by lab st barths human research mental care assistant, to rob, cued by Arthur Turnbull at lab. quote I didn't know Fekete was coming straight back.. Took half the biscuits and put something into my bed, ANOTHER NOTE BOOK FROM MY BEDSIDE ..dont know what else he has robbed.. quote I just wanted everything, there must be some evidence of their Nazi past somewhere /eh?? I wanted proof of their .Nazi background /eh? we have been cleared dozens of times including by the Vienna Nazi catcher/ quote Arthur, I read Mein Kampf /Fekete hasn't read it/ and I do a smashing Hitler image //???//........London's idiot millionaires all the Turnbulls...... both lab tricks-- once they had someone put rounds of pooh into my bed some years back.. KEVIN--- HORWARTH from the corner of Oswestry St Sheffield..or his brother NORMAN--- HORWARTH-- well actually a russian soldier's son but you know Fekete uncle..Fekete was banished ../eh?? 48,000 Hungarians were sent out with me, it was our land till the ALLIES gave it to the Slovakians, so all who were still Austro-Hungarian citizens were sent out...and again this lame line over sound, this man Micheal Kovaci, Fekete's mother's sister married his brother, whose family are in Chicago /police officer/. Slovakia is a small country so you can't go far without being related to half its people....Kovaci gave them their Country, first president of Slovakia who created it... Real reason, Anna of Lab St barths had 6 million transferred secretly from the Slovakian State funds when Kovaci was in power. so the Communist Party blamed him, and for some investments with an Austrian Jew named Rothschild. Kovaci wanted to look westward, the jew was a crooked devil and made off with the money the Party broke Kovaci's legs for it. The lab st barths Human Research bossess cum prostitute had it transferred to pay for the slovaks she Anna and Allan Lieberman Cross brought to UK for their remote experiments on covert destruction program by remote over England till 2080. which is why she brought murderers, rapists, prostitutes etc But the present lab staff like them, quote they behave just like we do-- so have not used them after all. The lab re slovakians keep using that excuse for breaking into my home and robbing more and more..

[kashuan]

I don't know if it's bc of my reluctance to think of aga as a rapist, but I have a difficult time imagining that Aga ever slept with Cassandra or even intended to make her his mistress. Cass as a POW/slave was a status symbol for him, and he seems so broken after the war that I can't easily seem him as some gross old guy ready to sleep with spoils of war in the palace he associates with the ghost of a happier life (Iphigenia was alive the last time he was there). Does this seem naive?

I mean, personally I agree. We already have a canon precedent for that with Briseis, who he doesn’t sleep with, that it’s believable that war prize doesn’t necessarily = sex slave for him. I think it’s fairly in accordance with his general character to be more of a status symbol like you said. I’ve brought this up before but: conversely, when he mentions Chryseis, he talks about wanting to keep her for reasons that include her intelligence and character (in other words, not just because he physically desires her). Because we never get any dialogue or insight from Chryseis herself I think there is definitely room for interpretation there… but in my personal hc at least, I’ve always liked to imagine it as a more complex relationship. In one variant of her myth, Chryses even gives his daughter back to Agamemnon because she had been treated so well by him, and having seen what lengths he goes to to get her back in the first place, I doubt he’d give her back to a cruel rapist tbh.

So in general I’ve just never interpreted his character as that type? And I think there’s some evidence the same could be said for his treatment of Cassandra. I’m on mobile so I can’t look up exact sources right now but I think in at least one translation of the Agamemnon he insists she is treated kindly (not just because she’s His prize, but because of how difficult her life has been). In his Trojan Women characterization, he is shown as regretful for his past actions, and the fact he agrees to lend Hecuba his aid in ‘Hecuba’, because of that connection they have with her daughter, when he could easily be written as arrogant and rightfully feeling he owes her nothing (she is a prisoner at that point after all), also contributes to my characterization in that regard. With all these character points added together, I personally hc he intended to give Cassandra (his idea of a) better life in Greece than he believes she could have had if left behind in a destroyed kingdom or as a slave of any of the other kings. I see him as viewing Cassandra as a (rather selfish) way to make amends with his past sins at war with her people. Like ‘I’m partially responsible for a lot of your family dying but from the bottom of my heart, my bad. I’ll take care of you now’ kind of thing. This was obviously, for a multitude of reasons, a Bad Decision, but aga making Bad Decisions is basically his brand. You could also argue it adds another layer to why Clytemnestra can’t accept her in her house, because not only is bringing home sex slaves a no-no, but to be someone he considers Special could be perceived by her as an even greater insult (being potentially in competition to her status as queen on an additional level).

There’s definitely multiple ways you could interpret it depending which canons you place together; there are certainly some which could support that kind of hard evil take so I get why some people read it that way. And I really don’t want to seem like I’m apologizing for those versions because I’m absolutely not; whenever modern media goes with that take, I’m outtie. Also, idk if this needs a disclaimer, but jic bc this is tumblr: I’m not arguing just because you’re decent to your captives that makes it okay to have them, lol. Obviously not true. This is still Not A Good Man. But I just don’t subscribe to him being outright Evil either; I tend to prefer my stories with more gray areas (for max tragedy) so I definitely prefer this kind of interpretation more.

[wesavegotham]

Talia, Damian and choosing between good and evil

Before Grant Morrison created Damian in 2006 Talia was seen as one of Bruce's greatest loves for a long time. She was the first love interest of Bruce that showed him from a more passionate side:

Bruce and Talia loved each other, but Talia could never really choose between her loyalty to her father and her love for Bruce, even though in most stories she would end up helping Bruce against Ra's.

While she was morally gray, Talia was originally a kind character, who fought against child rapists, murderes and other villains, patched Bruce up when he was hurt or down and even threw herself between Bruce and bullets that were about to hit him. In the 1987 graphic novel "Son of the demon" the two even married and Talia got pregnant. Bruce went pretty much overboard trying to keep Talia and their unborn child safe and almost got himself killed in the process. Which is why Talia lied to him about suffering from a miscarriage and asked him to leave her. Later she gave birth to their unnamed son and gave him to an orphanage:

The graphic novel was later taken out of continuity because DC didn't like the implication of Bruce having sex and not knowing that he had a child when he's supposed to be the world's greatest detective.

The reason I'm mentioning this story is because it would later serve as the base for Damian's creation in 2006. While the idea of Bruce and Talia having a child came up in Elseworld stories before (Ibn in "Kingdom Come" and Tallant Wayne in "Batman: League of the Batmen") the introduction of Damian marked the first time their son became canon in the main DC universe.

When Grant Morrison started his run on Batman he decided to bring "Son of the demon" back into continuity, but didn't bother to read the graphic novel he only vaguely remembered. His vague memory ended up basically destroying Talia's original character, something she hasn't recovered from since 2006.

In his memory they didn't have a consensual relationship and Talia raped Bruce to have a child. Morrison reduced her to the "Asian Babymama" trope and turned her into a mustache twirling villain, a worse version of Ra's basically, who turned evil because Bruce rejected her. Suddenly she was willing to sacrifice both Bruce and Damian to reach her goal of ruling the world. I have a lot of issues with this premise, most importantly its racist and sexist undertones, but this post wouldn't end if I started ranting and there are fans who are more knowledgeable about Talia and better at explaining why this sucks so much.

Grant Morrison later admitted that he remembered the story wrong and tried to explain that Talia went evil because of the continuity changes Superboy Prime punching the universe caused (Don't ask, comics are weird) and that when Bruce accused Talia of drugging him Bruce was actually lying about getting drugged, because he didn't want to admit to himself that he had loved her and slept with her out of his own volition.

If you don't believe me, here is the link to the interview: https://www.blogtalkradio.com/hotb/2016/11/15/064-the-zorro-of-arkham--an-interview-with-grant-morrison

Think what you will about that explanation. Fact is, the last time Bruce commented on Damian's conception he said this:

So to all the people who love to yell that Talia is a rapist and Damian a rape-baby, kindly shut up. Morrison's mistake got retconned years ago.

Anyway, Damian inherited Talia's struggle to choose between Ra's and Bruce, only that they turned Talia into a second Ra's and gave all her previous conflicts to her son, which is probably one of the reasons DC is unwilling to return her to her former character.

Some writers like Patrick Gleason have tried to give her some redemption, like when he wrote that Talia had been posessed during Morrison's run and cleansed during her resurrection, but the rest of DC pretty much ignored his attempt.

I'm not a fan of DC's extremely black and white, good and evil narrative they have created for Damian and the execution is pretty lackluster.

First of all, it's pretty racist that the Al-Ghuls lost a lot of their complexity over the years to serve as Damian's dark and evil side of the family, while the batfamily (which is pretty white) is presented as the light and good side. It gives me major "white saviour" vibes and has lots of unfortunate implications, especially because DC likes to pretend that Damian is white and only touches his arab/chinese roots when they write him in a more negative light. DC does the same thing with Talia, where they draw her as white when she's more sympathetic and give her brown skin when she's evil.

Second of all, DC loves to label Bruce as a man of high morality, but I think he's actually a pretty bad hero and parent. Some part of me is convinced Talia isn't allowed to be a better mother because it would make Bruce look bad in comparison.

I talked enough about why I don't think of modern Batman as a good person and a hero in my previous post, so I'm going to focus on Talia and Ra's Al-Ghul.

Making Talia evil robs her of her character and history, erases one of Bruce's most important romantic relationships and after a while it just lacks story potential. If the Al-Ghuls have no redeeming qualities then writing Damian struggling so much between the two sides becomes baffling after a going through this character arc several times.

You can argue that Damian got gaslighted for years and that he was still an impressionable child, but if the Al-Ghuls are really as evil, brutal and selfish as DC writes them nowadays it makes it really hard to sympathize with anyone who thinks about joining them (which happens a lot with the batfamily).

Another fact that DC loves to forget is that originally Ra's used to be an eco-terrorist. He planned to wipe out some part of the human population to save plants and animals from extinction, which is extremely relevant today. Ra's is a villain, we don't have to argue about that, but he used to have more depth that made him interesting as a character and made it more plausible why someone might join him. He also loved his daughter, which explained why Talia struggled to leave him in her old stories.

The way they are written now it makes little sense why Bruce should have so much respect for Ra's, something that made their relationship special, there is no reason why Bruce ever loved Talia and decided to sleep with her and there's no reason why Damian should ever return to the League.

Establishing a more loving relationship, both between Bruce and Talia, even if it's in the past, and a better relationship between Damian and Talia has a lot more story potential for Damian's seemingly never ending storyline where he can't decide if he wants to follow Bruce's methods (whatever that means for modern Batman) or the way of his mother. Because as it stands his character developement is stuck in a loop where he just looks like a boy who is unable to learn and can't see how one of the possible options has nothing going for it.

[boorivestnik]

Story/Рассказ:

Remember who you are/Вспомни кто ты есть.

I often thought: what is the meaning of life? What am I living for? A man was born, went to kindergarten, school, college, then work, the absence of friends and a girl, then again work, work, work and death. What's next? Emptiness? Darkness? As I imagine, I remember that I died and that's it, you don't feel anything, you don't feel anything. Emptiness. Darkness. It was getting scary. It can't all be so sad. This whole wonderful world - nature, animals, birds, insects, sky, sun, stars; all this just for a person to be born, suffer for a hundred years and die? Yes, the genius Creator. But some people live even less. Someone, for example, dies at 20, and someone at 5. And what, all this was created only for a person to live for 5 years and die? Are you seriously? But someone believes in it. They even believe that they are descended from monkeys. Poor monkey children, how do you continue to believe in this nonsense as you mature? Although i probably no better. For many years i believed that man was created from the dust of the earth.

At about the age of 20, I started reading the Bible. And then I stopped being afraid of the emptiness that I thought awaited us after death. Reading the Bible, I believed in heaven. I still believe in him. But seven years later, my views on the Bible have changed dramatically. Many people are satisfied with their belief and they do not even try to doubt it. Take the Orthodox for example. If you believe that their faith is true, then it turns out that all those who are not Orthodox will burn in eternal fire, only because they believed a little differently. And what is their fault if the Bible is written in such a way that it can be understood in different ways? Try to understand the words of Jesus: I and the Father are one. Or: he who has seen Me has seen the Father. Either Jesus is the Old Testament God, or, as many believe, He is His Son. Some say that God is one, others that He is triune. Some are baptized in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, others in the name of Jesus Christ. Muslims generally call Jesus not the Son of God, but only a prophet. And someone is just a Buddhist or does not believe in any Gods. And what now, all who do not believe in Christ or do not believe correctly, will they burn in hell? Even if he was good and helped people all his life, did not drink, did not smoke, did not swear and always turned his other cheek, then will he also burn for his disbelief? No, I don't believe in that anymore. Seven years later, I received my sight. He received his sight thanks to one person who said that the Old Testament God is the devil and cited the words of Jesus as an example. And this is what He says: your father is the devil. After these words, I received my sight. All these murders, sacrifices, and curses that we read about in the Old Testament immediately became clear to me. You will even remember the image of this God; this is what is written about him in the seventeenth psalm: smoke rose from his anger, and consuming fire from his mouth; hot coals poured from Him. Well, is this God Who is Light and Love? Of course not. This is the devil. But there is also a real God in the Bible. I will not write in detail about all this, because this is another story.

So. Here I have seen. But only in terms of the Bible. I still haven't seen any sense in life. Since I liked what this person teaches, I continued to listen to him further. And so he started talking about karma and reincarnation. He said that after death, a person is born again in order to correct his sins that he committed in a past life. And thus, living many lives, we must improve and become the same as the Gods, so that later we live with them in eternal paradise and create new worlds.

I think a little background is needed here.

One day this man heard the voice of God. But it was not Father, it was Mother, our heavenly Mother. That is, we have not only the heavenly Father, who is Light, but also our Mother Love. And this is not stupidity, for all living things testify that in order to give birth to children, both a father and a mother are needed.

Since then, he began to receive knowledge from the Heavenly Mother. He learned that from Light and Love came the Gods, that is, Their children; and together with the Father and Mother They created the earth. Then these Gods materialized on earth, that is, they became people. And then, as it is written in the Bible: and the Gods said: let us create man in our image, in our likeness. And so we, people, must reach the level of these Gods, Gods, Who were born of Light and Love, in order to then live with Them in an eternal paradise and create new worlds. By the way, we humans are also gods, not perfect, but still gods.

Another of the revelations of this man is that when we die, we do not go to the judgment of God, but we are judged by our conscience. And after this judgment, we go either to heaven or to hell, but not for long. Having taken a rest in paradise, or having suffered in hell, we again return to earth; some for the correction of sins, others in order to improve in good deeds, in order to become bright and pure Gods. And before being born, a person chooses his own destiny, by whom and where he will be born. His conscience will help him in this choice. For example, if a person in a past life tortured and killed animals, then in the next life this person can be born as some kind of animal and he himself will be tortured and killed. And if a person was good, then he will be born again in order to become more perfect.

There is another amazing revelation. Our interests, hobbies, desires and sins are like a reminder of what we did or who we were in a past life. For example, if you want to kill and rape, it means that in a past life you were a rapist-killer. And in this life, you must overcome your desires and not go the same way. Look, it can be different here; the killer does not have to be the victim himself, as is the case with the animal killer. That is, the killer may become a victim, or may be reborn with the desire to kill. It all depends on what choice a person makes before being born.

As for the meaning of life, I think you understand.

Now, perhaps i can tell about my desires.

From about 14 years old, I started watching horror. The first horror movie I saw was A Nightmare on Elm Street. It was scary, but interesting at the same time. Over the years, my interest in horror has grown. But not only to horror, but also to maniacs. That is, not to those maniacs who are in the movies, but to real people. Now I have all those desires that are inherent in a serial killer, and also a rapist. And here's what I think. Not all people have such desires after watching horror films. This means that horrors only awaken those desires that are in a person. And these desires are a reminder of who this person was in a past life. So I boldly declare that in a past life I was a serial killer; and not by any, but by Ted Bundy himself. Why do I think so? There are many reasons for this. I love that he only killed girls. I love everything he did with them. I feel sorry for him, in the sense that he was executed without giving him the opportunity to reform. Ted Bundy was in jail and escaped a couple of times. I like movies about prison and I have a desire to sit in it in order to escape later. Ted Bundy was electrocuted; electric shocks came through the helmet worn on the head. Over the past three years, I have often had a headache. And three years ago I was 24; 24 is the day of his death. And what is most surprising, I get headaches when I put on a hat. He committed his first reliably known murder at the age of 27. It was at this age that my headaches turned into pressing pain, which was not there before. But thank God it quickly passed. By the way, according to some reports, Ted Bundy committed his first murder at the age of 14; and as I wrote earlier, it was at this age, as far as I remember, that I began to watch horror. But personally, I don't believe he committed the first murder at such an early age. Maybe I just feel like I didn't. He also died in winter, and I was born in winter. The difference between his death and my birth is 3 years and 9 days; 3 is my birthday. Bundy was born on the 24th, died also on the 24th, his age was 42; 42 on the other hand - 24. I started to take an interest in Ted Bundy, if I'm not mistaken, at the age of 24. Believe it or not, now I am writing, looking at these numbers and I wanted to count them. We take the day of his birth, the day of death, age and age per turn. Add up all the numbers and you get 24. Miracles. Is not it? Oh yeah, one more thing. How much I am interested in Ted Bundy, but only at the age of 27 I learned that he committed his first murder at the age of 27. Eh, I would not break. I'm kidding. Of course I won't. I've already dealt with this. And I was helped in this by the realization that I had already done this in a past life. And if I did it, I thought, why should I repeat it again? I've had enough of these murders and violence.

And now, having all this knowledge about how the world works; awareness of who I am, that is, God; when I walk down the street and look at all these people, I see that they absolutely do not understand who they are and how this world works. But they will understand. Not in this life, so in the next. Probably.

I would like to add one more thing, and this is perhaps the most important thing in life, this is what completely helped me to cope with my sins, this is love. Neither the realization that you have already done this in a past life, nor any psychiatrists, nor anything else will help you to completely cope with your sins, but only love is capable of this, only love can truly change a person.

Я часто думал: в чём смысл жизни? Для чего я живу? Вот родился человек, пошол в садик, в школу, колледж, потом работа, отсутствие друзей и девушки, потом снова работа, работа, работа и смерть. А что дальше? Пустота? Тьма? Я как представлю, помню, что умер и всё, ничего не ощущаешь, не чувствуешь. Пустота. Тьма. Аж страшно становилось. Не может же всё быть на столько печально. Весь этот дивный мир - природа, животные, птицы, насекомые, небо, солнце, звёзды; всё это лишь для того, чтобы человек родился, пострадал сотню лет и умер? Да уж, гениальный Создатель. А ведь некоторые люди живут и того меньше. Кто-то например умирает в 20 лет, а кто-то в 5 лет. И что, всё это было создано лишь для того, чтобы человек пожил 5 лет и умер? Вы серьёзно? А ведь кто-то в это верит. Они даже верят, что они произошли от обезьян. Бедные дети обезьян, как же вы повзрослев, продолжаете верить в эту чушь? Хотя и я не лучше наверно. Многие годы верил, что человек был сотворён из праха земного.

Где-то в возрасте 20-ти лет я начал читать библию. И вот тогда я перестал бояться той пустоты, которая как я думал ждёт нас после смерти. Читая библию, я поверил в рай. Я и сейчас в него верю. Но спустя семь лет, мои взгляды на библию кардинально изменились. Многих людей устраивает их вера и они даже не пытаются сомневаться в ней. Возьмём к примеру православных. Если верить что их вера истинная, то получается, что все те, кто не являются православными, будут гореть в вечном огне, только из-за того, что верили немного иначе. А в чём их вина, если библия написана так, что её можно понимать по разному? Вот попробуй пойми слова Иисуса: Я и Отец одно. Или: видевший Меня, видел Отца. То ли Иисус и есть ветхозаветный Бог, то ли, как многие считают, Он Сын Его. Одни говорят, что Бог - един, другие, что Он - триедин. Одни крестятся во имя Отца и Сына и Святого Духа, другие, во имя Иисуса Христа. Мусульмане вообще называют Иисуса не Сыном Божьим, а лишь пророком. А кто-то просто буддист или не верующий не в каких Богов. И что теперь, все кто не верит во Христа или не правильно верит, они что, будут гореть в аду? Даже если был хорошим и всю жизнь помогал людям, не пил, не курил, не ругался и всегда подставлял вторую щёку, то что, он тоже гореть будет за неверие своё? Нет, я в такое больше не верю. Спустя семь лет я прозрел. Прозрел благодаря одному человеку, который сказал, что ветхозаветный Бог это дьявол и привёл в пример слова Иисуса. И вот что Он говорит: ваш отец дьявол. После этих слов я прозрел. Мне тут же стали понятны все эти убийства, жертвы, проклятия, о которых мы читаем в ветхом завете. Вы даже вспомните образ этого Бога; вот что о Нём написано в семнадцатом псалме: поднялся дым от гнева Его и из уст Его огонь поядающий; горячие угли сыпались от Него. Ну разве это Бог, Который есть Свет и Любовь? Конечно же нет. Это дьявол. Но в библии есть и настоящий Бог. Не буду подробно писать обо всём этом, ибо это уже другая история.

И так. Вот я прозрел. Но лишь в плане библии. Смысла же в жизни всё ещё не видел. Так-как мне понравилось чему учит этот человек, я продолжил слушать его дальше. И вот он начал говорить о карме и реинкорнации. Он сказал, что после смерти человек рождается снова для того, чтобы исправить свои грехи, которые он творил в прошлой жизни. И так проживая много жизней, мы должны усовершенствоваться и стать такими же как Боги, чтобы потом вместе с ними жить в вечном раю и создавать новые миры.

Думаю здесь нужна небольшая предыстория.

Однажды этот человек услышал голос Бога. Но это был не Отец, это была Мать, наша небесная Мать. То есть, у нас есть не только небесный Отец, Который есть Свет, но и Мать наша Любовь. И это не глупости, ибо всё живое свидетельствует о том, что для того, чтобы родить детей, нужны и отец и мать.

С тех пор он стал получать знания от Матери небесной. Он узнал, что из Света и Любви изошли Боги, то есть Их дети; и вместе с Отцом и Матерью Они сотворили землю. Потом эти Боги материализовались на земле, то есть стали людьми. А дальше уже как написано в библии: и сказали Боги: сотворим человека по образу Нашему, по подобию Нашему. И вот мы, люди, должны достичь уровня этих Богов, Богов, Которые были рождены от Света и Любви, чтобы потом вместе с Ними жить в вечном раю и создавать новые миры. Кстати, мы люди тоже боги, не совершенные, но всё же боги.

Ещё одним из откровений этого человека является то, что когда мы умираем, мы не идём на суд Божий, но нас судит наша совесть. И после этого суда, мы идём либо в рай, либо в ад, но не на долго. Отдахнув в раю, либо помучавшись в аду, мы опять возвращаемся на землю; одни для исправления грехов, другие для того, чтобы усовершенствоваться в хороших делах, дабы стать светлыми и чистыми Богами. И прежде чем родиться, человек сам выбирает свою судьбу, кем и где он будет рождён. Его совесть поможет ему в этом выборе. Например если человек в прошлой жизни мучал и убивал животных, то в следующей жизни этот человек может родиться каким нибудь животным и его самого будут мучать и убьют. А если человек был хорошим, то таким он и родится вновь дабы стать более совершенным.

Есть ещё одно удивительное откровение. Наши интересы, увлечения, желания и грехи, это как напоминание того, чем мы занимались или кем мы были в прошлой жизни. Например если ты хочешь убивать и насиловать, то это значит, что в прошлой жизни ты был убийцей-насильником. И в этой жизни ты должен побороть свои желания и не пойти тем же путём. Смотрите, здесь может быть по разному; не обязательно убийца сам должен становиться жертвой, как в случае с убийцей животных. То есть убийца может и стать жертвой, а может и вновь родиться с желанием убивать. Тут всё зависит от того, какой выбор человек сделает перед тем как родиться.

На счёт смысла жизни я думаю вы поняли.

Теперь пожалуй можно рассказать о моих желаниях.

Где-то с 14-ти лет я начал смотреть ужасы. Первый ужастик который я посмотрел - это "Кошмар на улице Вязов". Было страшно, но в то же время интересно. С годами мой интерес к ужасам усиливался. Но не только к ужасам, но и к маньякам. То есть не к тем маньякам, которые в кино, а к реальным людям. Сейчас у меня есть все те желания, которые присущи серийному-убийце, да и к тому же насильнику. И вот, что я думаю. Не у всех же людей после просмотров фильмов ужасов появляются такие желания. А значит ужасы лишь пробуждают те желания, которые есть в человеке. А эти желания являются напоминанием того, кем этот человек был в прошлой жизни. Так что я смело заявляю, что в прошлой жизни я был серийным убийцей; и не каким либо, а самим Тедом Банди. Почему я так думаю? На то есть много причин. Мне нравится, что он убивал только девушек. Мне нравится всё, что он с ними делал. Я испытываю к нему жалость, в том плане, что его казнили так и не дав ему возможности исправиться. Тед Банди сидел в тюрьме и пару раз сбегал. Мне же нравятся фильмы про тюрьму и есть желание сесть в неё дабы потом сбежать. Тед Банди был казнён на электрическом стуле; удары тока поступали через шлем надетый на голову. У меня же на протяжении где-то трёх последних лет часто стала болеть голова. А три года назад мне было 24; 24 - это день его смерти. И что самое удивительное, головные боли бывают когда надеваю шапку. Своё первое достоверно известное убийство он совершил в 27 лет. Именно в этом возрасте мои головные боли перешли в давящую боль, которой раньше не было. Но слава Богу это быстро прошло. Кстати, по некоторым данными, своё первое убийство Тед Банди совершил аж в 14 лет; и как я уже писал ранее, именно в этом возрасте, на сколько я помню, я начал смотреть ужасы. Но лично я не верю, что он совершил первое убийство в таком раннем возрасте. Возможно я просто чувствую, что этого я не делал. А ещё он умер зимой, а я родился зимой. Разница между его смертью и моим рождением - 3 года и 9 дней; 3 - это день моего рождения. Банди родился 24-го числа, умер также 24-го числа, его возраст был 42 года; 42 на оборот - 24. Я же начал интересоваться Тедом Банди, если не ошибаюсь именно в 24 года. Не поверите, сейчас пишу, смотрю на эти числа и захотелось их сосчетать. Берём день его рождения, день смерти, возраст и возраст на оборот. Складываем все цифры и получается 24. Чудеса. Не правда ли? Ах да, ещё кое что. Сколько я интересуюсь Тедом Банди, но лишь в 27 лет узнал, что своё первое убийство он совершил в 27 лет. Эх, не сорваться бы мне. Да я шучу. Конечно же не сорвусь. Я с этим уже справился. И мне в этом помогло осознание того, что я это уже делал, в прошлой жизни. А если я это делал, подумал я, то зачем мне это сново повторять? Хватит с меня этих убийств и насилий.

И вот сейчас, имея все эти знания о том, как устроен мир; осознание того, кем я являюсь, то есть богом; когда я иду по улице и смотрю на всех этих людей, я вижу, что они абсолютно не понимают кто они и как устроен этот мир. Но они поймут. Не в этой жизни, так в следующей. Наверно.

Я бы хотел добавить ещё кое что, и это пожалуй самое главное в жизни, это то что полностью помогло мне справиться с моими грехами, это любовь. Ни какое осознание того, что ты это уже делал в прошлой жизни, ни какие психиатры, ни что либо ещё не поможет вам полностью справиться со своими грехами, но только любовь способна на это, только любовь способна по настоящему изменить человека.

[queerchoicesblog]

A Few Words On Pride Month 2020

So, pride month has come at last. No matter how crazy it sounds right now as we're experiencing first-hand one of those events that will end up in history handbooks one day.

I'll be honest, it's quite difficult for me to talk about it now when everything that is not Mrs Rhona releted seems so well less relevant than it was before. But I want to share a few words that most likely nobody will read but I'll let them flow anyway.

I watch that video every single year during pride month. It's from a series I liked quite a lot back then, it's called Sense8. The character speaking is a trans woman, an lgbtq+ hacktivist, reminiscing her disastrous relationship with her transphobic mother yet finding strength in her own sorrow. There is a passage I love:

Today I'm marching to remember that I'm not just a me

But I'm also a we

And we march with pride

These words resonate with me: they summarise perfectly the deep empathy and acceptance that I feel should make us stick together. Both inside the lgbtqa+ community and as human beings: "I am a human being, and thus nothing human is alien to me". I'm quoting by heart a Latin playwright named Terentius (Terence in English, I guess?) so forgive me if I got something wrong but what I mean is...we should all care about each other because no matter our differences, our sexuality or color of skin or class, we are human. We are brothers and sisters: I'm an only child but I believe that the definition of a healthy family is one where people overcome differences that don't truly matter in the end, they don't define us as worthy or unworthy of love and respect which should always be given to another human being.

Unless there are valid reasons not to.

As the latest happenings in the world have shown, a hard truth we all know has been reinforced: we live in a cruel, unfair world where, as Nomi said, "hating isn't a sin on that list and neither is shame". A world where people get hurt or killed for reasons which can be hardly called a motive for violence: not being white, not being rich enough, being different, holding a hand or kissing a person of the same sex in the street.

We may comfort ourselves saying these fears were past fears, last century or even Victorian age fears but no, they're still out there. And we can't turn a blind eye.

The current pandemic added new ones, making our lives even more miserable. Speaking of the lgbtqa+ community, I think I can say the social distancing is hitting even harder. Does anybody feel lonelier now? I rise my hand, I do. I'm not referring to the fact that pride parades are cancelled (because we all know there is a freaking valid reason atm), but getting in touch with other people is way harder now. In my personal experience, getting in touch with fellow lgbtqa+ folks was rare even before the pandemic, now it's hella tough. In the street we hide our faces behind masks and don't have the same careless attitude we used to display. Shaking hands and even the lightest touch or proximity are not allowed under the new restrictions: a few weeks ago, over here a couple was charged for hugging each other in the street. How sad and dystopic are these times we live in...

Virtual meetings can help but they're not like in person meetings: the warmth of personal interaction is simply not there. We try but it's not there. Couples are separeted by lockdown rules and so are some families. Lgbtqa+ hotlines are a saving grace and I cannot stress enough how important they are and how anyone struggling with their mental health or literally anything concerning themselves, their gender and sexuality should feel free to contact those volunteers who are a blessing restoring a little faith in humanity.

My thoughts are for those of us who got stuck quarantining with homophobic/biphobic/transphobic etc parents or roommates, and those stuck in abusive contexts. Yes, even relationships because - I know I'll be super unpopular saying this but we can't lie especially to the minor or vulnerable ones- lgbtqa+ relationships can be abusive and toxic too. As I said, we're human and I am sick and tired of the honeyed sunshine rhetoric of lgbtqa+ people and love as an ever right and righteous safe haven. It is a safe haven for us to some extent but we must acknowledge there are problematic issues in our community. We have to be honest with each other especially for the sake not only of each other but for the vulnerable ones and the young. Like criticising or reporting abusers, predators, rapists and so on don't make us all filthy creatures who will burn on a stake for our abominable sins. It just makes us responsible and looking out for each other.

We spend so long dreaming of finding someone of the same sex to be with that when someone shows us any sign of affection our feelings for them grow fast, even when red flags or abuse enter our lives. We stay because we're hungry for love and crave what straighties seem to get so easily: love, acceptance, reciprocity. To the young and everyone who needs to hear this I wanna say: it doesn't have to be like that. Don't ever settle for cheap love only because you feel you will lose your only chance to be loved. There are good people out there too and you deserve one of them at your side. You will find them, your paths will cross: just be patient and never ever forget the importance of respect and consent.

To all those experiencing anything like the relationships or toxicity I mentioned, who feel silenced by the sunshine rhetoric, I say: you are not alone, stay strong and you did nothing wrong, others did and I'm sorry you're going through this cause you don't deserve it.

I share a similar shutout to those struggling with mental and/or physical disorders. If you ever felt pretty much invisible, you're not. I see you, many others see you and we're all rooting for you. You're stronger than you think and you're beautiful.

The not-as-unfortunate-as-the abovementioned but still quite forlorn are the star crossed lovers meeting that special someone in a bad time. Quarantine will see the blossoming of some romances but also takes no prisoners, blowing off others. They don't vanish though, in most cases they turn into those impossible loves and what if we love so much in the movies and hate in real life. I wish I could lay a blanket or pull into a tight hug all those going through this. Your pain is not irrelevant even if there are worst things in the world right now, our souls hurt for things like that. I hold your shaking hand wherever you are as you stare blankly at your phone, waiting for a message or a call that will never come, or you reminisce, listening to a romantic playlist you still have saved on your device. Your suffering is my suffering.

On a brighter side, cause I don't wanna be a complete downer, the luckiest ones among us are blessed with love and I can't be any happier for you, whoever you are. I can picture the one day a few years from now when I will be talking to someone and they will share their story saying how they met the love of their life during the pandemic. How it wasn't easy at first because of all the uncertainty and fears but they kept trying and it all started with a social distancing date at a park or via Zoom. You lucky ones, cherish that and never take what you have for granted: the love you feel and that special someone is showing you is a balsam in hard times. Please cherish it dearly and never stop loving: one day you'll warm these old bones and lonely heart if we ever get the chance to cross path.

Actually I don't have any more wisdom to share, granted what I wrote can be called wisdom, nor giveaway. I considered doing a lgbtqa+ one in honor of the pride month but I feel nobody would be interested. Or at least not by me and I fully agree: writing is getting hard and I feel like I risk of ruining everything I dedicate myself to, as I usually do in my life. I'll follow the tips of a few anons (I think?) and devote this month to educate myself over aspects, nuances or realities I am not fully familiar with: so I'll watch Pose and Sex Education. Hopefully I'll learn something new that might make me a better human being.

Feel free to share further advice: books, articles, movies, series, documentaries...you name it! Drop a message or an ask and I'll make what I'm starting now a lasting project!

That is my advice: if you're stuck inside with nothing much to do this month, find something that might enrich you, even a little thing, and go for it.

As well as reminding yourself the usual stuff: you are not wrong nor unlovable, you're not offensive or dirty for being attracted to your same sex or both or none. Not to quote Lady Gaga, but it's truly is that simple: you are born and beautiful this way.

Stay safe and stay strong, my darlings 🏳️‍🌈

Love,

E.

[hope-for-olicity]

There is a photo that haunts me. Taken by photojournalist Allen McInnis on December 6, 1989, it shows a man taking down Christmas decorations. Out of focus in the foreground is a woman slumped over in a chair. The woman is dead; shot by a misogynist earlier that night in a targeted attack that took 14 women’s lives at Montreal’s École Polytechnique. The contrast of a plainclothes police officer taking down holiday decor with a woman’s dead body beside him is the most haunting metaphor for the mundane reality of misogyny.

Every year on December 6, we read out the names of the 14 women at vigils across the country and we add in the names of women killed by men that year. (There are always new names. So many new names.)

We now recognize what happened that day as misogyny in its rawest form. But it took years and countless debates for us to get there. People were deeply invested in writing it off as the actions of a lone wolf; a loser; a nut.

Canada had collective déja vu this past week.

He told us why he rammed a van down Yonge St. and still, we question.

Killers write manifestos, Facebook posts and lengthy blogs detailing their misogynist motivations and we still print headlines asking, “Is hatred of women to blame?”

Pundits twist themselves into pretzels trying to explain away what women have been screaming since the burning of witches in Salem: They hate us and it’s killing us.

I, like every other Canadian girl I know, was raised on a steady diet of violence prevention tips and it seems that every year, the list grows. With advances in technology, we’re told to never share nudes, to download personal safety apps and hey, maybe try this new nail polish that can detect if there’s a roofie in your drink.

In response to the horrifying attack in Toronto on April 23, internet assholes and armchair experts have flooded the social media feeds of feminists, telling us that women need to consider sleeping with loners and losers so that we can avoid another massacre. “These poor men are sad and lonely because no one will date them. Maybe women should throw them a bone!”

I want to laugh at the absurdity of a “Fuck one, save us all” mentality, but I can’t even muster the energy to mock it. I’m too tired.

A myth that has existed for a long time and that flourishes in the dark corners of the internet is that women have the privilege of getting sex whenever and however we want. On Reddit threads, 4Chan and misogynist Facebook groups, we’re told that women need to be more empathetic because we will never understand the loneliness of men, and in particular, the isolation of unattractive loner men. “Alpha” males are getting all the dates and these poor, nice gentlemen who are only guilty of being kind and unattractive are relegated to being the beta fish in an alpha world.

Look, I’ve never met a woman who hasn’t been rejected by a man at least once. Yes, gentlemen. Even hot women get rejected, too. And we’re not just getting rejected on individual levels. On a macro scale, we’re told to lower our expectations all the damn time. Just ask any single women who is currently dating. We’re told to be grateful for men who care about consent, call themselves feminists or raise their own kids and don’t call it babysitting. What a catch, am I right ladies?!

So to say that men are killing women because they are rejected doesn’t fly because women are lonely all the time and yet we’re not murderers on remotely the same scale as men. Women have a laundry list of grievances against men from catcalls to pay inequity to rape. But we don’t take it out on men as a whole. We internalize it instead. It’s my fault. If only I was prettier, thinner or less demanding. If only I was chill and had my shit together.

They say “Hurt people hurt people” but really, hurt MEN hurt people. Hurt women most often hurt themselves. As women, we’re raised to believe our voices don’t matter, so it obviously, our pain doesn’t matter either.

We, as women, are truly incapable of preventing the violence inflicted on us. But trust me, we’ve tried. We’ve spent lifetimes trying to stop it. Suffragettes in the Temperance movement fought to ban alcohol so that women would be saved from beatings from their drunk husbands. Feminists in the ’70s handed out whistles hoping to ward off would-be rapists. We’ve taught self-defense on campuses and consent in schools and still, we die. As a public educator whose job it is to prevent violence against women, progress is slow. I’ll give a presentation to students that goes really well, only to wake up the next day to a complaint from a teacher who was offended that I didn’t talk about women raping men. My statistics are constantly challenged, as are my motives and even my appearance. Who knew that wearing lipstick and heels invalidates my ability to talk about violence? I didn’t. But people are more than happy to remind me.

I’m tired of reading the news every day and seeing another headline about another dead woman. In Ontario alone, we’ve had over a dozen women and girls killed by men as a result of intimate partner violence this year and it’s barely spring.

We live in a contradiction. We are both our feminist Prime Minister and our missing and murdered Indigenous women. We are our gender-balanced budget and a woman murdered by her intimate partner every six days. Women are the most active in the movement to end violence against women and yet Canada’s two deadliest massacres in the past century were caused by men who hated women.

It’s not up to women to end the violence we experience. It’s not up to women to convince men of our humanity. We’ve tried that and it hasn’t worked.

It’s up to men who are reading this with their back up to question why.

If you don’t hate us and don’t want us to die, prove it.

[fuckyeahrobertknepper]

I am so sad! I can't believe this! I hope this is a lie.

Anon, it seems that your message was sent to us before Robert issued the following statement: 

(source)

We have quite a lot to say about this. Read it below.

As of this writing, there’s absolutely zero evidence for either side as far as we know. That said, let’s not mince words: we are deeply disappointed in Robert, and here’s why. This is an empty, vapid statement full of nothing. And then he thanks people for supporting him? How dismissive of this woman. How dismissive of this woman, and other victims of sexual assault who are brushed aside.

Our being here means we still support him, but it’s a complicated issue and we feel the need to explain our stance. Let’s say she really did make it up, for whatever reason. The way Robert handled this appears to belittles actual assault victims and dismisses this persons’ and other victims’ feelings. Maybe he truly feels like he has nothing to be sorry for. It’s possible! But the unfortunate thing is, his statement comes across as a calloused “Yeah, don’t believe every rape story you hear, come on now.”

At least address the fact that NOT ALL STORIES LIKE THIS ARE MADE UP, even if this one is. At the very least, he could have said, “Just because it wasn’t true in my case, it doesn’t mean that all accusations like this are false, and please do not feel like you can’t come forward if something like this happened to you.”

You are categorically encouraging people to dismiss victims’ stories otherwise. The importance of this cannot be understated. 

Because even if he didn’t do it, that statement just makes it seem like he isn’t taking this seriously enough. These are serious issues. This is not about some silly crush we have on an actor. These are serious issues. And he may be making it worse by putting out such nothing words. Not only is rape a serious issue, not being believed when you are a victim of sexual assault is a serious issue. That statement was blatantly dismissive of this. Perhaps he didn’t say this with bad intentions but it’s what unfortunately happened. Understand that our upbraiding of Robert is our support. It’s our tough love.

Like it or not, being in the public eye like Robert means you are, in some fashion, a role model or someone that people look to in some way, and the more celebrities behave badly, the more it normalizes that behavior. If you’re in the public eye and someone else sexually assaults a co-star and you are the one who says “That’s not cool” - you begin to stigmatize that behavior in the public eye. We know that even standing up for someone else who was assaulted can have repercussions. We know it’s scary. We know peoples’ jobs may be on the line. But this has to end somewhere. Someone has to step up. 

It’s not fair that this is the way that it is and it’s not fair to put this kind of burden on a person just because they’re famous, but, again: the more celebrities behave badly, the more it normalizes that behavior. It’s also impossible to ignore the fact that celebrities have influence, and the things that they say, well, they get heard. Look at how many people follow him on social media. Celebrities ABSOLUTELY spread awareness. He can’t tell us he doesn’t understand that. 

We want to go with Uncle Ben on this one: with great power comes great responsibility, and like, maybe with a mid-level C-list actor amount of power comes a mid-level C-list amount of responsibility. 

As for that first sentence of his statement, if he and his wife really did “discuss” these things or whatever… our response is, “Okay, and…?”

So, what conclusions did you and your wife come to as you “discussed” these issues of sexual violence against women? What was your takeaway – that it happens? Yeah, we know. Did it come to light how much damage it does when people aren’t believed when they accuse someone, particularly if that someone is in a higher position than them? Did you discuss how many people, including women, are afraid to come forward with sexual assault reports? Oh, here’s one article. Here’s one more. 

But sure, let’s let some other poor victim see this statement put out by Robert and go “Well I guess I’ll see no justice then if I tell the truth about what happened when So-and-So Actor groped me. AND I GUESS I’LL BE CALLED A LIAR!”

It’s unquestionably irresponsible. Again, at least say something like “Please don’t be afraid to speak out if something happened to you, etc., just because it isn’t true in my case doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be heard blah blah blah”

We have to admit we are a little taken aback by how little compassion was in his statement. 

It’s not just rape and assault that’s an issue…

IT’S ALSO THE FACT THAT VICTIMS DON’T GET BELIEVED!

YOU are now a part of the problem! Be proactive! Get ahead of that! What DID you discuss? What did you LEARN from what you discussed?! “That’s just not who I am”? All right, then, who are you? A person who doesn’t condone sexual violence against women? We’d love for that to be true. We’re your fans. We want to support you. We want you to be better than this. But we also don’t know you. We can only know you by your actions. So what, then, will you do now to make sure that women feel safer in Hollywood? What steps can YOU take to make sure it doesn’t continue to happen? How can you influence other men to be better in this industry? Can women count on you to break the “bro code” of staying silent when you see that they are being taken advantage of or sexually harassed by other men? 

Stop right there before you try to tell us this isn’t Robert’s job. No. It isn’t. It isn’t anybody’s job or burden. But nobody in Hollywood is blameless as long as any of this is going on, and none of that awful behavior will stop unless someone steps up. And who is going to do that? People like Robert. People like his co-stars. *waves hand in his general direction* Like, those people. Are you in Hollywood? Are you a dude? Then you’re probably the sort of person who’d get listened to about this sort of thing. Who else is going to create any sort of momentum in that awful town built on top of all that black tar?! “That’s just not who I am”? Well, you might not be a rapist, we don’t know, but you might also be a person who just stands there and does nothing. But that’s okay. Nobody else is doing anything, either, right? 

We are not saying that if he does nothing, then he is a bad person. We aren’t saying that, and we don’t believe that it makes him a bad person, either. But if you are a fan of his, then how you feel about this kind of inaction is up to you. 

We are also deeply saddened by seeing some other fans’ reactions to this. We’ve seen other fans “supporting” him out there, by saying they believe him, that he is a good person who would never do this (and you know this how?!) and that this other person must be spewing “bullshit.” We can’t emphasize enough how damaging that is. It’s not how we should react to such allegations. Victims - even potential victims - should be taken seriously. They can’t be dismissed with a SIMPLE “I didn’t do it.” Anyone who does this is part of the problem! Yes – we are rebuking you for it! We’re certain it doesn’t help that this lady who is accusing Robert isn’t famous. She doesn’t have a legion of fans to back her up and say “She’s a GOOD person! She wouldn’t lie! She’d never do that!” 

…But that’s our point. She isn’t famous. She shouldn’t have to be. Our loyalty to Robert notwithstanding, she should be taken seriously no matter who she is.

This blog is run by people who are huge fans of Robert Knepper. The hours spent agitating over this man are embarrassingly high. If we can say that, then you, too, can face this harsh reality instead of calling Susan Bertram “bullshit,” which is: maybe he didn’t do it, but she still deserves to be taken seriously. It’s irresponsible and thoughtless to pick and choose which sexual assault victims you believe, including and especially when it involves your faves. You can’t just turn a blind eye to something simply because you don’t want it to be true. And we don’t! We don’t want it to be true! 

It is heartless to jump up with no basis whatsoever and call her a liar. At the same time, we cannot trivialize false accusations, either. We can’t begin to understand the reasons why someone might do that to Robert or anyone else. It’s embarrassing and disheartening to see other people acting like that. You don’t want to be witness to that kind of a shitshow. We do also need to emphasize that a false accusation is exceedingly harmful to not only the accused, but also to real victims. It’s why they don’t get believed. We sincerely hope no one was hurt and sadly that’s all we really can say in this lose-lose (at the very least, Robert’s reputation has been insulted) situation. If he really means it that he was falsely accused - and we genuinely hope so, with a signed statement like that - what harm could it do to open a dialogue to see why someone would do this to him? We know he must be hurt and upset. We also know it’s better to try to understand one another than to just sling accusations back and forth. If she lied, better to educate about what kind of irreparable damage that this can cause - and hope that this teaching reaches other people, too. Obviously, we have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. The least he can do for his fans who support him, though, is to show that he’s trying, or give us some kind of good faith to go on, or show sympathy, if that’s really who he is. 

And guess what. You people all “know” Robert about as well as you know this lady! Don’t act like you know his character. You don’t. Anyone can be “nice” to you and shake your hand at a convention and still be a terrible person… or a good person! Or both. Most people are both. You just don’t know, though. We can only hope with an unfounded optimism that he’s changed as a person and learned from the past. We’ll say this: if Robert really is the victim of a lie, we got his back pretty hard; after all, we have a lot of experience supporting Robert. Our earlier admonishments still stand. If the allegations are true, we don’t condone his actions, but we do support him at this time. If we chose to withdraw our support, it’d be saying that people aren’t allowed to grow and change their behavior and learn from their mistakes, which isn’t fair. That is not something we want to propagate. Hopefully, in his case, he did change. We are here to support him. 

As to whether or not it even happened – who even knows? Likely we’ll never know the truth. 

To be clear, we don’t believe him or her at this time. There’s simply too little to go on. And we can’t stress this enough: this is us supporting him. He’s a grown man who doesn’t need to be coddled. He needs tough love. Did he screw up? In one way, definitely; in more than one, possibly. 

It hurts us so deeply to see victims, especially women, be passed over and ignored or told they are lying when they accuse someone of sexual assault. Even if it’s lies… you have to go through all of the motions as if they ARE telling the truth, and FIND OUT the truth. You have to treat them like they are telling the truth. Again, it wounds us greatly to see women being belittled.

You can’t just automatically believe. But you have to treat potential victims with care and respect. You will never find the real victims otherwise. Possibly the only situation where it should feel natural to be like “quit your bullshit” to someone who is accusing another person of sexual assault is if they’ve cried wolf one too many times already… in any other case WHY would you do that to someone?! Why?! 

We love Robert, we really do. Until something else comes to light, until further notice, assume that this blog loves Robert. Just don’t forget how beloved Bill Cosby was when you start saying things like “But Robert’s a GOOD person” “He’s so kind” “He’s so nice” “He’s so this or that.” You’re not helping. It is so irresponsible to jump to conclusions like this when you have nothing to go on but your impression of a person. We want him to be absolved of these accusations – but only if they really are false, and not because he “seems” nice and/or because you think he’s hot (he is, but not the point, and also seems to be a thing that biases people and shouldn’t).

Let’s finish this off by saying that, if these allegations are not true, then let’s hope it doesn’t do any damage to any victims who need their voice to be heard. Let’s make sure they feel safe, and do better and encourage people like Robert to make the industry a safer place for women. He claims “That’s just not who I am.” We want this to be true. We like him, we really do. We’d love for that to be true. So, then… who are you? What kind of person are you? Are you the type of person who is willing to take actionable steps to make Hollywood a safer place for its women? 

If these allegations are true, then it’s the worst thing Robert has ever done, besides Cult.