#and theres too many meals in a day!!! and i refuse to do anything without hyper research!!!!!

[pizzapizzadickz]

Tired, in pain, can't sleep at all. This sucks.

[celestiagarden]

College AU!

Characters: Venti, Albedo, Kazuha, Zhongli, Kaeya, Gorou, Childe

Note: Yeah i’m just sick of my own college experience rn so imma replace it with a fictional one yEAAHH

Venti

music major. Enough said

he kind of just started in music, and in like his second year he realized “wait without clout I can’t easily make a career out of this”

so now he’s also in a secondary education program as a backup plan but desperately trying to get famous on internet so he doesn’t have to teach

sports?? comitees? no he’s in a music room all day long

and when he isn’t, it’s because he has recital. he’s booked all day long

^^ which means he refuses to do anything school-related when he isn’t supposed to. Aka: the weekend. friday evening, venti is fucking done and ready to get hammered

has perfect pitch, is literally extremely talented in music so usually he gets good grades in theory classes/instrument theory with minimal efforts

once actually sight-read during an audition and actually fucking passed it with an A-. no one knows how he was able to do it

doesn’t fucking know how to cook he lives off ramen or caf food (it’s ok venti my love i’ll bring u my leftovers)

Lives on campus, probably in the normal dorms

Albedo

science, he’s in a science program for sure. 

he probably started in pre-med and then switched to biochem after his first semester

bro he’s so silent, so still, people hardly notices him. boy just attends his class, nods along, takes notes, goes to his labs (the only exception here bc he has to talk to his lab partner) and that’s it.

gets amazing grades. I don’t think his GPA ever goes under 4.0

the type of person who will fucking carry during lab reports just to make sure he gets a good grade. you finished your work? send it to him he’s going to double check it before you hand it over to the lab attendant. it’s a non-negotiable

zero social life. he studies sm. he has so many labs. his schedule is packed. 

also a student who probably hasn’t exactly learned how to cook balanced meals. it’s pasta and canned sauce most nights. he’ll get takeout if he feels fancy

lives off-campus (he doesn’t want to get kicked out at the end of the semester, buddy doesnt have time for all that moving around), he just has a place of his own a few minutes away from campus

Kazuha

literacy major. or like, english major with a minor in philosophy. 

people ask him what are his plans with a degree like that and he just ignores them. in his head, he would rather study something he actually enjoys and struggle with finding a job with the degree later

one thing at a time. Iconic move from Kazuha

gets average grades, but like he doesn’t try extra extra hard. gives an average effort and in exchange receives an average grade

loves those people who write essays about such funny topics but he’s too scared to do one himself

that mario essay with the really funny introduction paragraph? he loves it more than anything

probably lives on campus, in dorms. 

he CAN cook, but why cook when he’s got a perfectly good meal plan for the college caf?

signs up in writing contests every year as long as theres a promise of a scholarship for the winner. other than that he isn’t in a lot of committes or sports. he probably just jogs whenever he feels like it

Zhongli

currently on his doctorate degree in history. he has a double major in history and geography, did his masters in geography and is somehow actually doing a doctorate in history

he was in a track and field team during his bachelors. his best events were probably like, javelin and shot put

in charge of some one or two credit first-year classes. he’s... not the best at teaching

he has the bad habit of assuming students are more informed than they are in reality, which leads to most of his class being lost in the middle of his lecture

but he doesn’t do it on purpose!! he would glady put the students into context if one raised their hand and notified him that they weren’t following!! 

but honestly... would you have the courage to do that? yeah, no one would. not with zhongli as a teacher, optimistically assuming everyone’s up to date and follows. 

is very strict on class itinerary tho. no, he will not push back any due dates for homework or exam dates. His program was thoroughly planned with the students in mind, as well as their workload and he firmly believes that what he asks can be completed in the time given

deadass starts his semester saying “if you are organized, you will pass this class without any problems.” it scares like half of the crowd

lives off-campus (obviously). single btw wink wonk

yeah he’s a fully functioning adult ok this man cooks for himself, cleans for himself, does laundry for himself, what an icon

however, students do get emails with class content or news from him at ungodly hours of the night. Zhongli it’s 1 AM stop grading exams and go to bed ffs

Kaeya

he’s in criminology, wants to get into legal studies after

with how fucking sneaky and cunning he is? that won’t be a problem for him lmaooo

he’s actually rlly smart ok he can keep rlly good grades with less effort than the average person. is also very condescending abt it to his classmates

hates hates hates team work assignments. and people hate working with him for team assignments eheheehehe- 

used to do figure skating in high school but obviously he stopped. might pick up speed skating for funsies if he felt up for it

he comes from a rich family ok this guy doesn’t share his dorm with anyone he probably has a dorm with a full kitchen and bathroom

gets wasted with venti without fail every friday night. 

Gorou

started in kinesiology. but then the reality of college hit him and he switched to P.E. 

that one student that applied and got like three different sports scholarships. yeah, he’s on three different sports team. cross-country, volleyball, rugby. no wonder he couldn’t keep up in kin bro his time management skills are probably awful

lives on campus, in dorms. he tries so hard to keep a balanced diet but his options are kinda limited by whatever food is at the caf, so he ended up having a wholeass stash under his bed. protein bars, gels, you name it. I swear he got a mini fridge too for shakes and snacks

peaked in high school and is now realizing it as a college student

he probably thought college was gonna be so fun!! with lots of parties and chill class schedules and fun varsity games!!

now he’s sitting on his bed with his head on his hands because he has an away volley game on friday and he knows he cant afford to miss another evening class

Childe

let’s get this out of the way first; VARSITY SWIMMER. I stand by this until I die. I could go into heavy detail but I’ll spare you all today

out of all these characters, he’s the most invested in his sport (I know, shocking, he even bests Gorou in this category). with this said, he attends all his morning classes with wet ass hair and he does not fucking care. the whole room smells like chlorine once he settles down

business major. he just chose it bc ppl said it’s relatively easy so it won’t interfere with practice much. plus he “gets to make bank afterwards” (his words not mine)

social butterfly-ish. if he’s not at practice or in class he’s that guy walking in the hallways to see if there’s anything fun to do. if someone has their dorm room open he will walk in and start up a convo

while gorou is out there having the struggle of his life, childe is having quite the opposite and having a jolly grand time 

[asmo-baby5]

Asking First

MC asks the brother and undateables on a date first before they can.

Lucifer-

•is very pissed MC asked first because now he somehow has to relinquish control over the date to them.

•His pride is seriously hurt because how dare a human ask him on a date first?

•he was planning on asking them at the same time, he was just too slow....

•stays cool and composed as he obviously accepts their offer.

•has to play one of his records at full volume in his room later to settle down.

•Despite somehow coming to terms with the fact MC planned everything and wouldn't tell him a single detail, he takes charge of the date.

•he covers all bills and leads the way despite the fact he technically shouldn't know where MC was headed next.

•he's the right hand of Lord Diavolo for a reason, he knows everything.

Mammon-

•"Hey now, Human, the Great Mammon is supposed to ask ya first!"

•outwardly pissy and upset MC asked him first.

•inwardly freaking out because MC ASKED HIM FIRST.

•Unfortunately his bright red blush causes all of his sharp words to become dull.

•MC finds it incredibly endearing he's so upset they asked first.

•they still take complete control and won't tell Mammon a thing about the date until the day of.

•the anticipation drives him crazy and he goes on a spending spree right before to blow off some anxiety.

•gets in trouble with Lucifer and almost has to miss the date, but is granted permission to go because MC stood up for him.

•is still incredibly pissy they won't tell him anything but is incredibly into the secrecy.

Levi-

•A mess.

•Just a complete stuttering and blushing mess.

•"theres no way youd want to go out with a yucky shut-in Otaku like me."

•will try to shut down the idea entirely because he believes MC is making fun of him.

•immediately changes his mind when MC gets upset he'd even think of them like that.

•has to know every little detail of the date so he can mentally prepare.

•MC is very supportive and gives him every detail he asks for, most times more than one.

•he is on edge in the days leading up to the date and can't sit still the day of.

•can't game cause he can't sit still that long and can't watch anime cause he can't focus on the words.

Satan-

•Loves the idea.

•The two normally alternate who prepares the date anyway so nothing gets boring or predictable.

•he has absolutely no problem with MC asking first either.

•fully trusts them to prepare an entertaining and productive day for the two of them.

•spends the days leading up to it trying to reason out where MC could be planning on going.

•never ever gets it right because MC knows what he's thinking and if he had managed to get it right they will change it last minute to keep him on his toes.

•he adores them for making sure to keep him engaged yet docile for the entire day.

Asmo-

•He is, of course, used to being asked on dates all the time, but its actually the first time MC has ever asked him first.

•its an understatement to say he's elated.

•offers to help plan the date.

•pouts when MC insists it is a day where they will completely treat him and he is not allowed to treat them.

•spends the days leading up to the date trying to convince MC to let him pamper them too.

•they keep refusing.

•he decides to make the time after the date ends his time to pamper them because then they can't complain or resist.

•if MC ever takes control of their dates again he always make sure to have something prepared for after to thank them for loving him so fully.

Beel-

•of course!

•could not be more excited!

•does not think much of MC asking first until he realizes that their dates usually consist of major restaurant visits and he is the one to always pay because he asks them out first.

•frets every single day up to the date because he doesn't want MC to spend so much money on him but he also doesn't want to butt into their date plans and make them mad.

•he tries to eat more a few days before so he'll maybe eat less on the day of.

•he even almost enlists Belphie to sneakily check MC's wallet and make sure they have enough grimm to cover the large bills they will inevitably have.

•almost cries from relief when he finds out MC had a major savings account filled with extra grimm from their part time job. It had more than enough to cover his many large meals.

Belphie-

•its not like its the first time, he rarely asks first anyway.

•MC's dates are always the best, even if they are very similar each time.

•they know exactly what he likes and knows that he doesn't tend to like a lot of change so they stick with what works.

•almost always an evening date so he can sleep all day and maybe have some energy for it.

•evening dates also let's them both fall asleep against each other without being scolded for sleeping so early.

•the date is never too far from home so whoever fell asleep first (more often than not that being Belphie) can be carried back without exerting too much energy themself.

Diavolo-

•too excited.

•can hardly contain himself and almost kills MC in a bone crushing bear hug from his excitement.

•he finally had a free day and spending that day with his favorite human ever sounded amazing.

•and he didnt need to prepare anything for it at all?

•perfection.

•will be a ball of sunshine for the whole time leading up to it so MC wouldn't change their mind.

•works extra fast and hard so he can get all of his work done in preparation for the date.

•overworks himself and the date ends up being MC taking care of him all day and cuddling with him all night.

•he's upset they couldn't go anywhere, but he got to spend the day with MC regardless so he isn't too upset.

Barbatos-

•is unsure at first.

•he is way too busy to allow himself to indulge in a fantasy.

•also feels horrible if someone else is taking care of him instead of the other way around anyway.

•MC insists they will keep it very low-key so he can still do necessary work as it comes up but still spend time with them.

•he reluctantly agrees to this.

•is pleasantly surprised when it turns out MC had spent a month learning from Luke so they could bake him his favorite cake and brew his favorite tea just the way he liked.

•it was just a small tea party in the garden of the Demon Lord's castle, but it felt like a magical excursion because of what MC had pulled off for him.

Simeon-

•sweet baby is so excited!

•ask him out on a date first and he will literally melt because that means MC loves him back.

•like Satan, he will leave everything to MC because he trusts them.

•is pretty calm leading up to the date because he has full confidence in them and has full faith that this date will do nothing but build their relationship.

•he is a perfect gentleman and will open doors and pull out chairs.

•he offers to take a commemorative photo for them but doesn't save it correctly so MC takes an even better candid shot that is sure to make the two of them laugh and reminisce later down the line.

•He refuses to let MC pay for everything but MC refuses to let him pay so they compromise and split all bills on the date.

Solomon-

•"you think I'd go out with you?"

•is a complete little shit about it to hide his embarrassment at MC asking him first.

•freaks out when they take him seriously and start to walk away.

•"wait no, of course I will."

•he's just a bit of a control freak and would hate leaving all preparations to them.

•seriously, MC cannot prepare anything without him being right behind their shoulder and either nodding or correcting the plans.

•the date just cannot remain a surprise when Solomon is literally helping to plan it all.

•MC doesn't really mind though because he looks really cute when he gets all serious about something.

•he gets very serious about almost everything when it comes to them so they get to see his cute face very often.

•they go to the human world to make sure the brothers wouldn't follow them and bother their date.

•stay in the human world for a few days and just find complete peace being in the other's presence.

[alreadyblondenow]

Mark, this is how we broke up

idol!Mark Lee x reader // SMUT, FLUFF, ANGST (?) Summary: She taught him how to fuck but there’s so much more going on in their relationship. Word Count: 6k Warnings: Sex, Sex, Sex, actual sex and mentions of sex, filthy, mentions of rough sex, mentions of forced sex, emotionally unstable Mark, slightly addicted to sex, Mentions of other idols, mentions of birth control side effects, mentions of pregnancy, unprotected sex and protected sex, cursing, mature or at least trying to be Note: inspired by the recent breakup that I had. There’s no way that this ‘might’ be true. We all know Mark is a nice boy. If you’re not okay with any of the warning please click away.

“Ohh- Mark! Right there!”

“Right here? Hmm?” Mark puts more pressure on her clit and eventually pinches it to make her sensitive. Her legs closed and she received a juicy smack on her ass, “Why are you closing your legs? Don’t you like what I’m doing, huh?” his mouth is near her ear, every heavy breath, groan or moan from him goes directly to her ear and straight to her pussy.

With all the energy she still have, she praises Mark while he continues to fuck her senseless. Both of his hands are on the side of her head, having a full view of Mark’s ethereal visuals. Blonde sex hair flowing as he moves back and forth, his thin silver necklace dangling on his neck, his face completely contorted as he fucks her good.

Mark leans on her to suck on her boobs putting her completely on edge and is about to have a great orgasm. Mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, her hands raking Mark’s arms as she ask him to “please stop” but Mark will only stop when he wants to. Because of her high pitch moan and sharp exhales, Mark knew she had a great orgasm which feeds his pride more.

Gritting his teeth, he lifted his hips and gave her sharp quick thrusts while she’s still sensitive from her previous orgasms. “Hold on just a bit, I’m almost there” he whispers. He fucks the girl like he’s proving something, catching his own release and making the girl beneath him cry from over stimulation. He groaned a little too loud, but he doesn’t care. It’s his own damn apartment.

Removing his cock inside her throbbing hole, Mark rolls to the side and discarded the condom, throwing it to the trash near his bed. He watches the girl shiver beside him, closing her legs tight to ease the sensitivity. With one touch of Mark’s cold fingers on her shoulder, the girl let out a whine. “Relax, I’m just helping you calm down and cover your body” he said as he covers the girl with his thick blue sheets.

Head resting on the headboard with both of his hands pillowing his head, the room was cold and quiet as Mark lay beside her naked with a soft cock. “I’m a hooker but, you’re something- there’s something to the way you fuck” she started a conversation after calming down. “It’s getting late, I’ll call you a cab” he avoids the subject politely.

After the hooker left, Mark feels lonely again in his big apartment. Thinking about what the hooker told him earlier. It made him have flashbacks he didn’t want to have. He’s lonely enough right now, he can’t afford to think about you. But it’s too late. He’s now swimming to the happy memories he had with you, trying so hard not to think about how he ruined a once in a lifetime relationship and just focused on how your smile gives warmth to his heart.

“I miss you, y/n” he murmurs before he drifts into sleep, hoping to dream about you.

FOUR YEARS AGO

You’re starting your new life in Korea with a job at one of the country’s biggest company, SM Entertainment as part of NCT’s creative team specifically on fashion deparment. The job was stressful and tiring but theres nothing you could not handle, you love what you do. Working for NCT made you love the members like your own brother, all except for one member. Mark Lee.

It all started when you realised that Mark is not a boy anymore but a man who wants to gain experience with mature stuff. You and Mark eye each other during music video and vlog shoots and you both grew fondly, sneakily hold hands under the table during company dinners, texting and calling nonstop when you don’t see each other for weeks.

Mark has always been sweet to you and he’s not ashamed to show you how he feels. One time they used flowers as props for the shoot and Mark secretly put a flower near your stuff with a note, “You did well today.” He bought Starbucks drinks for all the staffs so he could give you your favorite drink freely and without hiding, “Noona, this is for you. Fighting for today.” Whenever other members are flirting with you, he will stop the members from bugging you and tell them, “Noona already has a boyfriend, don’t bother flirting” and it always makes you blush how Mark is so overprotective.

You and Mark became more than friends but less than lovers for almost half a year. And Mark’s constant want to make you feel love pushed him to ask you out officially. Taking you on private dates around Seoul, making time for you and letting the members and his manager know about your relationship.

Since you’re Mark’s first girlfriend, he’s not a perfect boyfriend. At least not yet. He always picks up a fight with you, decides recklessly when it comes to your relationship, and he’s moving so fast. “I’m just saying that if we start living together, we will fight less and we can have more time together” he said as he argues to you on the phone.

You don’t answer him because it’s useless, he will somehow get what he wants because he has the money, and you love him. Mark let out sharp exhale on the phone, “Okay I’m sorry. I’m being childish again. I’ll stop by at your apartment after dance practice. I love you”

He arrived at 11pm in your apartment with his manager. “Take care of him y/n, he has a headache. A bad one. Overworked I guess” his manager said before leaving you and Mark. Your boyfriend kiss you on the lips and greeted you, “Hi” weak and sleepy, Mark hugged you tight.

While watching him eat dinner he tells you everything about his day at work, how he’s preparing for three comebacks these past few months and he needs to finish writing four songs in two weeks. “Good thing I have you by the end of the day, right?” he said after finishing his meal. You hand him some painkillers for his headache, “Yes. Now, come to bed with me. No more working please, Mark. Even the best people in the world rest at night” realising that you’re right, he nods and let you take him to your bedroom.

“What will I do without you” he whispers to you before going to sleep with you.

The thing is, many people don’t know that Mark is actually vulnerable and emotionally unstable. Sometimes he’s not confident with his songs and he needs you to help him write because he only trusts what you say. If you say this phrase is good, or you honestly don’t like the words in this song he will take your word from it. That’s how much he depends on you. And sometimes, it puts you in a hard position because Mark is depending on you all the time is a heavy responsibility.  

It’s like he really can’t get everything done without you or without your opinion. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the other members, it just so happens that your opinion matters above anything else.

Mark may be too sweet and gentle most of the time, but he’s horny for you. Really horny. Whenever you’re alone with him in your apartment he always initiates having sex and you always say no and he respects that. You’re definitely not a virgin anymore and you have way too much experience, but Mark doesn’t. It’s not a problem of course, but you just wan’t to take it slow. Wait for the perfect time to finally have sex.

Mark being the virgin in this relationship and the one who lacks experience, he tries so hard to ruin his innocence before the day you two finally have sex. Watching tons of porn and take notes to some stuff he can do with you, working out more so he can at least look good in bed.

Sure you’ve done other stuff together, from making out wherever and whenever to giving oral to each other in the morning or before you both go to sleep. Back when Mark saw you  half naked in bed for the first time he didn’t know how to touch you, you used to teach him how to properly touch you in the way you like to be touched by your boyfriend. Now, he’s the one surprising you in bed whenever your legs are widely spread for him and his head is in between you eating your pussy like there’s no tomorrow.

After dating for nine months, Mark convinced you to live together as your birthday gift to him. “Please, you know how much I want live with you” he pout in front of you while you take his body measurements for a new stage costume. He worked hard last year and he bought himself his first own apartment and he told you he wanted to share it with you. How can you refuse that kind of offer when he’s trying so hard to be a part of your life, forever.

You moved in with Mark and you filled his apartment with happy memories, never ending laughter and giggles because he’s a funny guy. The kitchen became a learning place for him because you teach him how to cook almost everyday and he’s doing great. Peaceful mornings are both your favorite, it makes him feel like a normal person who cooks breakfast for you and waking up with his girlfriend in his arms is something not normal for an idol.

“This place is our safe place, only for us. No fan service for me, no boss for you to please. Just Mark and Y/n.”

Lately work is not giving you a hard time and so does Mark. You two always go home together, spend more time together, and finally had the perfect time to be more intimate. It’s been like this for almost a week already, It’s a Friday night and after having dinner and taking a warm bath before bed, you and Mark found each other in the middle of bed cuddling. Hands intertwined and legs all tangled up.

“What if I tell you, we could finally have sex tonight?” you asked him. Ruffling his damped hair from his hot shower.

“I’d say, ‘tsk. don’t tease me’” he said with a small smile in his face. His breath touches your cheeks because you’re too close with each other.

“No, seriously we can”

He pull away from your embrace, just a little to look at your face if you’re serious. “Scratch that, I’d say ‘what’s gotten into you?’” he dives in for a slow kiss, cupping your face with one hand while the other is still intertwined with yours.

Seeing you unbutton your sleepwear made him realise that you’re serious. He kissed you more and removes his shirt and sweat pants leaving him with only his boxer briefs. You on the other hand is exposed wearing only your white panties.

Feeling excited and a bit nervous, Mark slowly crawled in between your legs and he looks handsome than ever. It’s not your first time but you feel like a virgin again, that untouched seventeen year old. Mark smiled at you before he removes your panties, watching his own hands slide your underwear down.

He came close to you just beside your ear giggling like a little boy, “I’m nervous” he said and proceeds to kiss your neck. It seems like he knew exactly what he was doing, but you can’t blame him for being honest. “I’ll be vocal as possible” he hums in approval and continues to kiss every inch of your body.

He managed to remove his boxer briefs while licking your wet pussy, your eyes are closed and your hands are tugging his soft hair. Moaning his name whenever his tongue hits a good spot, putting more pressure and intensity bringing you to your first orgasm. Mark became really good at giving you oral you thought.

“I think you’re ready” he whispered as he grabs the condom on the drawer beside the bed. While you watch him roll the condom on his cock, your heart skipped a beat when he faced you and hold your legs open. The next thing you know, he’s slamming his dick in your pussy making you shout and jolt your hips beneath him, “Ah! Easy- baby, Im not going anywhere!”

The whole time you were having sex, he was not minding about your pleasure. He was so focused on his own sweet release and he can see that you’re not liking it but you let him continue.

Given that it’s Mark’s first time, the first round didn’t go well. “Do you want me to takeover?” you feel bad about it, but to be honest you wan’t Mark to never forget this night the night he losses his virginity. He hugs you tight while he’s on top of you feeling really ashamed of what he just did.

“There’s no need to feel shy baby. We have all night and a lot of days to have great sex. Come on, I’ll ride you” he’s still not moving and still hugging you tight, caressing your hair and enjoying your warm body beneath him.

“Okay baby, I need to breath. You’re heavy ugh-“ you tricked him and he didn’t have a choice but to pull away. You laughed and switched positions, putting your legs on both sides of his hips wetting his cock with you wet pussy. He felt your pussy raw for the first time and he loves it, holding your hips and as you slowly grind on top of him. “I got you” you leaned forward to give him a peck on on the lips.

His right arm swings to his head, as if he can’t believe what’s happening. Moaning your name so deliciously, “Oh, it feels good” he said with an airy tone. His mouth is open the whole time you were grinding on his cock, stopping himself from cumming too early. You grabbed a new condom on the drawer, and rolled it on his hard cock.

“Now put inside me” you said oh so sexily. With shaking hands, he lines his cock to your cunt and he watched how your pussy swallow his thick cock and let out a soft ‘fuck’ when it fully disappeared. You smile on top of him as you wait for yourself to get used from the stretch before moving. Both of your hands are on his chest as you watch him moan and move his head from side to side while you clench and unclench your pussy.

“I’m not going to last long if you keep doing that” he voiced out, you only let out a small chuckle.

“Try to stop cumming so early and enjoy it, Mark” you finally move your hips, grinding slowly, fucking him like how he deserves to be fucked. Mark’s hands grips on your hips so tightly the whole time you were fucking him slowly, making sure he won’t forget this moment. He’s peeking from his lashes, trying to get a look at you while you fuck him for the first time in his life.

“I’m glad you’re my first fuck” he said, trying to smile at you with hooded eyes, head rolled back to the pillows on his head and looking so fucking hot as he enjoys the pleasure you’re giving right now.

When you’ve had enough of slow fucking him, you tighten you grip on his shoulder and doubled your pace. Making you both moan each other’s name, his cock is finally making you feel good. You feel Mark’s cock twitch inside you and leaned closer to him, kissing him passionately as you bring him to edge.

To your surprise he bit your lower lip when he finally reached his climax with mouth open, eyes closed and brows furrowed. You smiled beneath him as you watch him cum and shiver, his hands still gripping both of your ass cheeks.

As he slowly open his eyes, he gave you a sweet smile and his tight grip became soft touches around your back. You flop on top of him as he caress your hair again. “How’s that for our first time?” you asked him, still weak from his orgasm.

“I still feel bad because I can’t fuck you good though” he said, but he looks happy now. You switched positions again so he could have the honour of pulling out after having a mind blowing orgasm. Slowly pulling out his dick, Mark watched your pussy stretched while he pull out. Kissing it like it’s your lips and apologising for not making you cum using his dick, on your first night having sex.

“Thank you for this. I mean, I should be the one making it special for you. But I failed and like, I really feel bad about it but like, I don’t know. Somehow it went wrong” he pulls the thick sheets to cover your naked bodies and lay beside you. Keeping you close and admiring your beautiful face.

“It’s not like you didn’t tried making me feel good, baby. You made me feel good too, I wouldn’t be wet the entire time if-“ in the middle of your explanation he put a finger on your slit and checked if you’re telling the truth and if you’re still good to go for another round. “you startled me” you said, enjoying the way his fingers move slowly.

“Want to give me a second chance?”

Without hesitation, you nod your head and kissed Mark sloppily. Mark is a fast learner, you didn’t know but the whole time you were fucking him earlier he was observing how you want things. He found out that he should take things slow, entering your tight pussy and looking directly in your eyes this time, “Mark, how did you know I’m in love with your eyes? Ah! fuck!” his hips moves slow and it feels way better than the first and second time.

The third round made Mark a little confident on fucking you, he made you moan his name, grip his shoulder, close your eyes and open your mouth as you ask for more. He was asking you how can he make you feel better even though you’re already batshit losing your mind on how good he feels inside you.

‘How fast do you want me to go? Hmm?’ ‘Baby, can I bite your nipples?’ ‘Clench all you want baby, I won’t cum before you do I promise’ ‘Want me to kiss you here? Okay’

‘What? You want another round after this? Me too’

“I love you” he whispered while thrusting with a steady pace that you specifically asked. Kissing you while he wait for a response. He chuckled and felt proud when he saw you smile and out of words. Finally, he made you cum using his dick, with a little help of his fingers putting on your clit.

Feeling so accomplished before he finally sleep after using all five condoms that he have. He hugged you tight and whispered how in love he is with you but you’re already sleeping. Kissing you good night as you don’t know how happy Mark Lee is.

After that unforgettable night, you and Mark have sex almost everyday and just as you expected he became more confident in bed and even more sexier as each day passes. Sometimes he can be a little bit more filthier and rougher in bed, like that one time when he spits on your pussy, putting back your panties on and fucked you good wearing those ruined panties.

And that one time when he was so tired from practice, he fucked you really rough that night. Skipping foreplay and slamming his hard cock inside your dry pussy, “Mark! I’m not yet ready” you said as you try pushing his body away from you but he said, “I don’t care” in the most sexiest way ever and it turned you on. He apologised later after that night and he never did it again, because he knew it was wrong. But you said you liked it and it was pretty hot.

The members noticed Mark’s glow whenever you two had a great fuck from the night before and they always tease him for not being a baby anymore. His experience with sex made him write more songs about it. About you. Which the managers loved without a doubt and because of that Mark goes home to you every night with a big smile. Tired but happy.

You stopped using condoms when you finally took birth control shots. Having sex without a condom is new to Mark but this time, everything went well. You completely can’t get enough of each other, you passed out that night from too much fucking.

During his back to back to back comebacks and preparations with NCT 127 and SuperM, you both had busy schedules and stressful days because of work. And he comes home tired, sometimes frustrated and mad. You had sex more often because of stress and usually Mark is the one asking for it. Day and night, before you both leave for work and at night before you sleep.

If theres peace, chaos will somehow enter your lives. The side effects of the birth control shots was ten times harder than taking a normal birth control pill and it’s causing the fight in your relationship most of the time. Whenever Mark wants to have sex but you don’t because you don’t feel well due to the side effects, he sometimes make his way to you and convince you eventually. “You won’t move, I promise to do all the work” but the sex itself makes you sick even more.

You wanted to stop taking the birth control shot but Mark insist, telling you that it’s much safer than condoms. The thought of Mark getting you pregnant would brought chaos to the world, both of your careers would be ruined plus neither one of you is ready to be a parent. So you did it for Mark, you continued taking the birth control shot even though you really don’t want to.  

He’s not always like this, he’s only an asshole whenever he’s really really stressed at work which happens thrice a week, and the fight will usually last a week long. This happened during the preparation for Kick It era and Punch era and SM were making you both work like crazy.

Sometimes Mark sleeps at the dorms after yelling at you and picking a fight with you, “I make time so we could spend quality time together but you always make me feel like shit by refusing to make love and spend time with me. I don’t get you anymore!”

And sometimes you force yourself to work overtime just so you could forget the fight and have a breather. “Stay mad all you want, I don’t care I have work to do”

Most of the time it’s always job over the relationship and you notice Mark’s slight addiction on having sex with you. Not that he became a sex addict, no. Maybe he’s just really stress and he depends to you a lot, that’s why.

Even though the red flags were all bright and waving, you just brush it off and still stay with Mark. But one time you tried telling it to him, and he didn’t take it well. Anger clouded his mind, “Just tell me to stop having sex with you and stop accusing me.” It hurts when Mark doesn’t listen to what you feel and seeing him leave for practice without even looking to you straight up makes your heart ache.

When you didn’t come home because of work one night and Mark stayed up late waiting for you, the thought of you not living with him anymore and you leaving him in general scared the shit out of him. He went back to SM building to apologise, only to find you sleeping soundly in a small couch, curled up to an uncomfortable position but you’re tired already.

“Baby” he woke you in the most quiet way possible not wanting your officemates to wake up and see him. Thankfully your sleep was not that deep and you heard Mark’s whispers, “Mark?” you whisper back.

“Come home, please?” you came home with him without hesitation, scared that the other employees might see him if he stayed longer in public with you.

Mark always find a way to talk it out and make amends. He will need you and you will always understand him and everything will be peaceful for a few days or if you get lucky, weeks. But life will always find a way to make you two fight and make up, and do it over and over again. Breaking up was never a solution, Mark knew that all too well. He can’t live without you.

Sex feels good again lately and you haven’t fought for over three weeks already. He’s been incredibly sweet and caring, taking you out on dates and helping you with work whenever he can. Honestly you’ve been pretty worried about him, he’s been having anxiety and worries about his songs lately. Even questioning his own profession, ‘What if being an idol is not for me? Like, what if I have a different calling that’s why I suck at what I do now?” Mark throwing you questions like this makes you love him harder. Pouring every support you can give to him and stretch your patience more for him. His mental health becomes more and more unstable and it went on like this for roughly half a year already.

The past few months were quiet as if peace has taken over your lives again. Mornings became more peaceful and Mark makes love with you instead of just having sex for the sake of stress release. Kick It and Punch were both successful, now you’re both enjoying your long awaited rest eating watermelons in bed. Even though you’re both aware about Mark’s unstable mental state, life can still be sweet and beautiful because of the love you share.

“I’d trade any moment for peaceful times like this with you” he said, “our second year anniversary is coming” he scrunched his nose in front of you while munching. “I have the best gift for you and you won’t guess it this time” he speaks proud and you smirk at him, feeling excited about it. “I don’t want anything in this world. Just never leave me” he added.

Rest days are always your favorite because you two can stay in bed the whole day, watch Netflix, sing in the shower together for almost two hours, dates around Seoul, shopping together, have lazy sex, have filthy sex. In other words, no calls from work or idol schedules for Mark.

“Are you trying to get me pregnant?” you giggle as you brush Mark’s hair away from his face. Feeling his soft skin against yours, touching his muscles while you come down from your high.

“Maybe” kiss, “what if I am?” kiss, “I miss having fun like this in bed with you” kiss. Mark is siting in bed with you on top of him, sitting on his lap. His head in resting on the head board, arms around your body. He has a full view of your boobs and your glowing face.

“You know I like seeing you cum on top of me” you hum in approval, “three more rounds? What do you say?” he waits for your answer, not forcing you this time. Making sure he won’t do what he did from the past that made you hate him and cry in bed. Mark almost lost you that night.

Of course you want three more rounds in bed with Mark. “That’s my girl” he licks the valley between your boobs, hugging you close as you use his cock inside you for your own sweet release. Arms around his neck, you push him closer to your chest as he bites your nipples and eventually sucking them. “Mark, that feels good” you moan to make sure he won’t stop doing what he’s doing.

“C-close, Mark I’m close”

He lowers your body as he takes over on thrusting in you on top of his lap. Gripping and tugging anything you could find in bed as he fucks you senseless making your boobs bounce in front of him, lust taking over him fully. “Fuuuck!” you screamed and quickly hugged him to stop, he got the message. Hands caressing your bare back as you shiver on top of Mark’s lap, legs weak as you flop back down to the mattress making Mark giggle and draw small circles on your nipple as he lays beside you. After two more rounds, you begged him for one more round and ride him good as a thank you for making you feel good the whole night.  

“My stylist said I should go for a striking pink for SuperM comeback, I don’t know if that will suit me… Will it? Do you think I should go for it?” again with his dependancy to you.  

Mark is at a hair salon with Taeyong getting their hair done and ready for SuperM comeback happening in less than a week. Hearing that he will have a striking pink hair made you stop what you’re doing and imagine what he would look like. “Are you sure this is not about loving watermelons?” He giggled through the phone, “No.”

When he came home with a striking pink hair, you laughed at him but deep inside he looks handsome. “Well, you look yummy” you kissed him and smelled his hair. He picked you up bridal style and ran to your shared bedroom and tickled you until you cry tears of joy.

Tomorrow is your second anniversary and you can’t spend it together because he’s busy with SuperM promotions. Mark is a simple man who likes simplicity and nothing too fancy in life so looking for a really good anniversary gift is challenge. But you can’t give up. You decided to buy him a new guitar, similar with the one has but somewhat better and different. Inside the guitar there’s a written simple message that he can read whenever he’s doubting again.

It’s already five in the morning and Mark will leave in fifteen minutes. When you open your eyes, you see a cute Mark Lee kissing you until you wake up. He smells clean, his fingertips are cold against your skin, “Happy anniversary. This is one out of two for my anniversary gift” he slips a silver ring on your left ring finger which perfectly fits.

“It’s a promise ring if you’re wondering. I promise to be a better boyfriend. And I saw your gift by the way. I love it. I can’t wait to use it and sing to you after promotions. Just hang in there okay? I love you”

You went got up and it’s surprisingly cold, still sleepy and tired from last night, you saw a bouquet of flowers on top of the coffee table and a paper that contains Girls Generation’s members signature. Complete and framed. It made you happy and laugh because he used his idol card again just to make you smile over the silliest things.

The SuperM promotions was longer than expected but Mark is having a great time with his Hyungs. While Mark is away you’re work keeps on piling up because the company transferred you from NCT to Red Velvet, which you enjoyed because now you’re making costumes for girls.

You and Mark focused on work and it didn’t made you feel angry in fact, you think that Mark being away can make you focus better at work. You realised that you’re better off away from each other. As days and weeks go by, you think about moving out of Mark’s apartment. But he wouldn’t let you do it so you think of another plan.

Mark has been calling you for days already and you only answer just for the sake of telling him that you’re fine. From there on Mark sensed something wrong and the feeling doesn’t sit well on him. Being far from you makes him overthink stuff and imagine things that has the worst case scenario. Like you, getting tired of him because he’s emotionally unstable.

It’s almost midnight and you were just finishing work when Mark came out of nowhere and surprised you. “Surprise! I’m home! Oh, I’ve missed you so much” he said and showered your cheeks with kisses his hug getting tighter and tighter.

You irritatedly pushed him away.

“Okay- that’s new” he let out a sigh, “What did I do now?”

You crossed your arms and lean on the wall, you don’t know how to say it but you’ve made up your mind. You’re going to leave him. “I’m breaking up with you” He stopped listening after you said it.

“It’s funny how I saw this coming but still I had faith with you! I had faith with you that you will not chose to leave me, but fuck-“ he punched the wall, completely hurting his hand you wanted to come to him so bad and made him stop hurting himself but you can’t. To be honest his ears rang, he was light headed and he feel like throwing up. Tiredness and breakup in the middle of the night is not a good mixture.

“Don’t get me wrong please, I don’t hate you. I want to fix this baby, I tried thinking about about solutions and guess what we already tried everything and were still a mess. It bothers me. Knowing that we all have these problems all along and ignoring it over and over again- it’s bothering me baby. We can’t fix it, we can’t fix us”

Admitting that fighting for the relationship made you tired, is a hard pill to swallow. And it hurts because choosing to love yourself this time will hurt him. His emotional dependancy, the sex, and now you don’t know if you want the same things in life anymore.

You wanted to choose yourself this time and do what’s best for you. Because in the past two years, you’ve doing everything what’s best for Mark and Mark only because that’s how you love him. And leaving him is how you can love yourself.

“A week” he blurted out while you were in the moment of pouring out all your concerns. “A week off baby, let’s give each other some space” he kissed your forehead and left you. After what happened he figured, for sure you don’t want to sleep on the same bed with him.  

The space that Mark asked for just made him missed you, it made him realised how he’s been taking your patience for granted and how he’s using every part of your being for his own good. He wanted to fix that. He wanted to fix it so badly.

Looking back over the years, he remembered how you didn’t want to live together but he made you because it’s his birthday wish. ‘Mark how can you ask something like that?’ he told himself, hating himself more.

He remembered how you didn’t want to take birth control shots anymore because you’re having side effects already. And instead of being concerned he got mad at you. Mark told the story to Johnny and he just gave him a ’Tsk. I’m very disappointed’

While forcing himself to write lyrics with Taeyong on a Monday night, he kept on telling Taeyong that he needs your opinion first about the first words that he wrote already. Mark got an earful from Taeyong, ‘you shouldn’t depend on her always! You don’t how heavy it might be for her! Tsk. Do you think she knows anything about what we do here? She has her own profession! She studied years and years for it, how can you do this to her?’ of course Taeyong is always right.

On Wednesday night, you broke up officially with Mark.

“I think we should continue living separately from now on, Mark” you removed the promise ring that he gave you and put it in front of him. He was quiet the whole time, but he understands, blaming himself of course. He understands that now it’s all about you.

“They say if you love someone and they need you don’t leave them, and we hear those words in dramas. But Mark, this isn’t fantasy this is reality that’s really heavy for me. We ignored all the red flags and I think it’s time to let go now”

During your move out, he didn’t showed up and helped you. It’s okay, you thought. You hurt him and he needs time to heal. Clearing your stuff felt like freedom and you thought it was cruel. Cruel for Mark. You feel bad because breaking up really made you feel better.

Looking at the pictures around the apartment, made you feel sad, yes. But leaving it behind and putting them down one by one made you feel free. And again you think it’s cruel because Mark don’t feel the same way, he clearly wanted push through the relationship and you clearly don’t want that.

All the more reason to break up. You don’t want the same things anymore.

Because you did great with NCT and Red Velvet, another great opportunity knocked on your door. A job in Paris. You considered not taking it because of Mark, then you remember that you two have broken up.

He came to your apartment a week after the break up, begging you to come back in his life. “I heard you left SM, baby is it because of me?” you gave him a glass of water and sat beside him, it’s been a week but he already looked like shit. Dark under eyes and no happiness in his eyes.

“Listen to me,” you reached for his hand, “It’s not because of you. I’m finally choosing me. I’m doing what’s best for me and my career. It has nothing to do with you Mark”

He went on and on again about coming back to his life, telling you promises that you know he can keep, but you don’t want to be part of it anymore. “I Promise, I will someday be okay emotionally, I want you to be beside me when that happens. I think breaking up isn’t the solution baby, do you remember how great we are together? We can fix this, we can try and then if it doesn’t work i’ll leave. I’ll never bother you again”

“How can you say breaking up is not the right thing to do now? Mark I’ve honestly never been more peaceful these past few days”

Mark didn’t need to hear other things. What you said made him realised that he used up every chance he could make up with you. He left without saying a word, keeping the pain to himself the whole drive back to the dorms. “Dude, it’s going to be okay. Were here.” Johnny, Hyuck, Taeyong and Jaehyun all listened to him cry at the car not talking to anyone of them.

PRESENT DAY. FOUR YEARS AFTER

Mark still loves you.

................................................. Masterlist

inspired by the recent breakup that I had, please don’t steal my feelings huhu. Enjoy, and thank you so much for reading!

[battlinghurricanes]

LITYERSES HEADCANONS!!!!!!!

I saw some other headcanon posts for him, so I felt inspired to throw my own ideas out there! I think some of my headcanons are pretty different from the ones a lot of people have of him, but I always like reading other people’s ideas so hopefully people will like this too!

(also theres a lot, this is long *cough* my bad)

- After the incident in The Lost Hero, after Midas dies, Lityerses is homeless. His father’s mansion is destroyed and it’s not like he has anyone to turn to.

- They mention in The Lost Hero that the Hunters of Artemis came across Midas and Lityerses earlier. When they did, Lityerses heard in passing about Camp Half-Blood. It’s the only place meant for demigods that he has even the slightest knowledge on, so he sets his sights on making it there.

- It takes eight grim months to reach New York. It’s half a miracle, slowly taking busses, hitchhiking, and sometimes just walking to the next city. Monsters attack him the entire way and he adds plenty of new scars to his collection.

- There’s no reliable way for him to get money. He gets much, much better at using his powers as a son of Demeter. He uses it to grow fruits, vegetables, and any sort of edible plant so he can at least have food of some kind.

- He goes to New York City because he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t even know if the Hunters were talking about the city or the state but he figures he has to start somewhere. Unfortunately, the Triumvirate notices his presence before anyone from Camp Half-Blood does.

- He follows some demigods to Nero, who sent them to collect him. He offers a position working for the Triumvirate in exchange for food, lodging, and other basic support. Lityerses is tired and he wants to sleep in a bed and have proper meals he doesn’t have to worry about acquiring.

- He accepts, not caring if what the Triumvirate is doing is shitty or not. Nero sends him to Indianapolis to work for Commodus.

- Apollo’s decision to give him another chance was very affecting. Especially coming from ancient times when the stories of the gods on earth were far more real and immediate, he knows very well how the gods could treat mortals as simply disposable.

- He had never questioned his belief that any mortal who got wrapped up in business with a god suffered a horrible fate because of it, whether the god intended it or not.

- But then Apollo saved his life and defended him at the Waystation and told him he trusted him and Lityerses’s mind keeps drifting back to him over and over and over.

- His mind wants to reconcile what Apollo did for him with what he knows about the gods. He can’t, and that makes him feel a great many things that he can’t pin down. Apollo decided to care about him when he had no reason to, and he doesn’t know what that means for him.

- He feels a twinge of gratitude whenever he steps into the sunlight and pulse of anxiety whenever he wonders if he’s okay on his quest.

- He thinks about Meg, his little sister, and hopes they’re keeping each other safe.

- Lityerses can occasionally seem really dull, indifferent, or unresponsive because he gives super minimal reactions to things sometimes, but that’s really not the case.

- Being in the modern world for him is sort of like a slight, but near constant sensory overload. Sometimes, his brain is too busy processing other stuff to fully load up an emotional response. He’ll react to something in his mind but he won’t express it outwardly at all.

- Leo, running up: Wanna help me strap a firework to a crossbow bolt and try to shoot it into the office building across the street to see if it’ll blow up in there?!!!!!     Lityerses, with a completely flat voice and blank expression: I think that’s a very bad idea.

- It’s definitely not all the time, but it does happen.

- (Me? Projecting sensory issues onto every character I like? It’s more likely than you think.)

- He has a very “go with the flow” attitude, to the point of being a character flaw sometimes. It can make him easy to manipulate.

- (Commodus: hey lityerses go put this barbed wire and war helmets and metal teeth on these ostriches     Liyerses, in his head: uhuh uhuh uhuh uhuh yeah cool got it i hope i still have some fingers left tomorrow)

- He’s working on it though. He’s working on it.

- One side effect of this is that whenever Leo makes some pop culture or meme reference, Lityerses will just nod and agree. It takes Leo forever to realise that he was just lying going along with it.

- *mid conversation*  Lityerses: I’d go get some food, but I don’t have any money     Leo: dude, you’re literally just the 69 cents vine, not enough for chicken nuggets     Lityerses: oh, for sure     Calypso, overhearing: wait, you understood that??     Lityerses: no, I’ve never understood a single word that’s left leo’s mouth       Leo: what?!!!! but you said you understood my reference to that dril tweet the other day, right?!      Lityerses: yeah, of course      Calypso: what’s a dril tweet??      Lityerses: I don’t know.       Leo: YOU TRAITOR

- Another side effect: he’s a complete pushover for Georgie.

- At one point, when some of the Waystation crew are walking out in the city, she complains that she’s tired and wants to be carried. When her moms gently refuse, she immediately goes over to Lityerses and holds her arms out and says that she’s tired. He doesn’t even stop walking, he just swoops her up and puts her on his shoulder right away.

- Hemithia and Jo glare at him but he just avoids eye contact. “She’s already up there, too much effort to put her down now.”

- He was in the Fields of Punishment in the Underworld and wow was it incredibly traumatizing.

- His memories of death are sickeningly agonizing, but they also usually feel distant and unreal. Sometimes, though, they’ll worm their way into his dreams with horrific clarity. He’ll wake up in a cold sweat, hyperventilating, with full body tremors he can’t control.

- One morning after waking up like that, while sitting on the floor regaining his composure, Hemithea comes in to see why he wasn’t up yet. He pulls himself together in due time. He doesn’t answer any of her questions.

- He never talks about it, but he’s truly terrified of dying. He never was before, but now that he knows what’s waiting for him...

- It doesn’t help that he knows that, no matter how careful he is or how well he defends himself, he could die at any moment if Thanatos decides to bring him back to the Underworld.

- It weighs on the back of his mind that, at least on a technical level, he has no right to be alive. Sometimes he can’t help but think that the things he does now don’t matter in the end, because there’s no reason he would get a second judgement when he does eventually return to the Underworld.

- He does his best to shut that down and remind himself that trying to do the right thing helps the people around him, no matter what happens after his death, but the thought exists and it is painful.

- He really never voices these fears because he feels like all he can really do is try not to think about it, and when he does, he tries to forget as soon as he can. It’s a burden he shoulders as quietly as he can.

- He isn’t used to owning a lot of material possessions, both from how he lived in ancient times and then from being homeless for a while. He’s only ever described wearing that Cornhuskers shirt because it’s the only one he owned for a while.

- Not long after joining the Waystation, the first time he was going out somewhere them, Jo snapped that it just made him look stupid, trying to look tough by going without a coat when it was so cold outside. Earnestly confused and defensive, he tells her that he just doesn’t own one.

- After that, she insists on filling his wardrobe until he has enough clothes.

- (Speaking of the Cornhuskers shirt, he just picked it out on a whim, sort of thinking of Demeter (They grow corn here like we used to grow wheat, right?) and sort of just thinking it looked cool. Olujime once tried to talk to him about how some college teams were doing and Lityerses just goes “What’s football?”)

- He doesn’t really get modern fashion trends. Leo offers to catch him up, but he declines very quickly.

- In ancient times, dyes and patterns available for clothes were much more limited and much more expensive. He’s fascinated by all the colors and prints people can wear just all the time now. Lityerses wears a lot of bright colors because he thinks they’re cool and fun. He likes red, blue, and purple the most but he’ll wear a lot of stuff.

- Along with not really following any trends, he also hasn’t picked up on a lot of unspoken gender connotations that come with modern clothing.

- When the Waystation are first trying to get him some clothes, he picks out a pink jacket and Leo snorts at him like “You’re going for pink?” Lityerses just stares at him like “Yeah. It’s just pink.” Leo sort of realizes and goes, “Oh, it’s just, you know...” to Calypso. But Calypso is also just staring blankly and says, “No I don’t. I don’t get it. Is there something about pink?” And Leo notices Hemithea glaring daggers at him and he laughs nervously and goes, “Nevermind, it was a stupid joke anyway.”

- Hemithia: Leave the ancient demigod and ex-titan blissfully unaware of our complex, modern gender stereotypes.    Leo, sweating: gotcha.

- He pretty much just wears what he finds comfortable. Generally it’s just t-shirts with jeans or basketball shorts.

- Lityerses is a super clingy sleeper and will reflexively grab on to anything within arms reach while he’s asleep. (He’s a big spoon by nature.)

- Leo discovers this and now, whenever Lityerses falls asleep on one of the couches, he’ll entertain himself by slowly pushing a pillow up to him until he inevitably grabs it and pulls it against his chest.

- No one gets those pillows back until Lityerses wakes up.

- He’s very buff. His muscles aren’t super defined, nothing at all like a bodybuilder, no six pack abs or anything. But he’s built. Thick arms.

- He’s very limber and flexible too. He has great balance, which lets him move as fast as he does in combat. He’s quite physically fit in general.

- He’ll never admit it, but he ended up getting attached to the highlights in his hair he got when Apollo revealed his godly form. He thought they were fun and different and he sort of missed it when his hair grew out.

[hammerlocke-stadium]

C i j o for Raihan pliz? Also congratulations for hitting 500 followers!!!!! You totally deserve more!!!! :)

@ Anon 1: Thank you so much for your kind words I’m!!!

@ Anon 2: fluffaphet is such a cute shorthand for it omg

there was a couple more anons but i just deleted them bc theres so many asks already kjbbvkdjfv (to the anons that complimented me w ur raihan requests i would die for you)

Activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Raihan loves going on runs and walks with his s/o, basically anything active really! But he also loves going on picnics in the wild area with them as well.

Beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He admires how strong they are emotionally! Dating someone who’s as famous as him is tough when the paparazzi try and ambush dates after all! Raihan thinks everything is beautiful about them but his favourite thing is their smile, especially when he’s the cause of it!

Comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Starts of by holding their hands and talking about anything he can think of, and when they start calming down Raihan gets closer and pulls them into his arms.

Dreams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Lots of cuddles, making meals together and surprising each other with gifts, helping each other groom their pokemon and being happy and in love until they die.

Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Raihan is pretty dominant! But he’s willing to bow to what his s/o wants if his enthusiasm is making them uncomfortable, all Raihan wants is them to be happy with him after all!

Fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

When he’s fighting with his s/o Raihan tends to storm off to blow steam in the Wild Area so he can avoid saying anything he’d regret later in his anger. As long as his partner is willing to talk everything out, and have both of them walk out if they start getting angry again, then Raihan is pretty forgiving! He’s super big on communication.

Gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Raihan is grateful everyday that his partner stays with him despite all the fans and paparazzi that follow him around so much. His partner tries to make him dinner everyday and swipes his laundry to do while he’s gone to lighten the load of what he has to do at home, Raihan’s heart bursts with love every time he comes home and finds them snoozing in a half folded basket of clothes.

Honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Raihan shares most things with his s/o! But with things like the dynamaxed pokemon on the loose he doesn’t tell them until after its over with because then they don’t have to worry for hours or days or even weeks until the situation is dealt with; telling them after it’s done means they can get all the worry over in a day.

Inspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

His partner makes me him slow down and look at the things and people around him, he appreciates his friends a lot more upon realising how much attention is heaped on them just for knowing him. Raihan helps his s/o with being more confidant with them self. 

Jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He’s pretty confidant with his relationship! But if someone starts flirting with his s/o and doesn’t stop when they’ve told them that they’re already taken his jealousy rears its ugly head and he swans in to take his partner’s hand and walk away.

Kiss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

I’m bias but he is absolutely a good kisser. The first kiss with Raihan is rushed and giggly, he’s so excited they return his feelings he ends up bumping noses with them and laughing as they kiss.

Love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

He’d do it in private, probably with a letter and some of their favourite flavours or if they’re allergic to flowers then their favourite food. Raihan would make sure they know that no matter their answer he still wants to be friends though.

Marriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Yeah Raihan wants to get married someday, he really wants to find someone he loves and loves him back enough to spend the rest of his life with. Raihan would propose with an Applin! Instead of an evolution item it would be holding a ring though. Marriage with him would be full of fun little games and spontaneous dates! It would probably feel like being in their honeymoon forever.

Nicknames - What do they call their s/o?

Babe, Love, Hun, Fae (bc they’re his greatest weakness ;) lmao).

On Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He’s naturally very touchy feely already so unless they’ve known him for a while they won’t notice that he’s in love.

PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Raihan doesn’t care about anyone’s opinion but his s/o’s about the pda but he refuses to hide their relationship like a dirty secret he loves them to much to pretend like they aren’t together.

Quirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

He’s got a godly ability to open cans without the pin breaking off.

Romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He can be super romantic! Raihan once wore one of those tuxedo graphic tees because his partner was sick and walked into the bedroom with a tray of soup (badly) pretending to be their personal butler because he knew it would make them laugh.

Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Raihan absolutely and unashamedly boosts his s/o’s endeavours on his social media accounts, he is their number one believer.

Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Both? He likes trying new things out with his s/o but doing something they know they both enjoy is just as fun.

Understanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Raihan knows his partner very well!! And he’s very empathetic, in fact he’s an empathetic crier so when his s/o get teary its tissue hell.

Value - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

His relationship is very important to Raihan, sure he loves being a gym leader and he’s honoured to be the one in charge of protecting the Hammerlocke vault but Raihan will drop those without a single thought if it meant he had a chance to be with his s/o for the rest of his life.

Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Raihan will unzip his hoodie wrap it around his s/o’s front then re-zip it up so they’re trapped in it with him.

XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

He’s very, very affectionate! Raihan loves kissing and cuddling but if his partner gets overwhelmed he’s happy too stop until they’re okay again.

Yearning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

He sulks all the time while they’re gone, and channels all his energy into gym matches and training to distract himself from watching the clock to count the minutes until they’re home.

Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Yell heah he is! As stated before Raihan is willing to drop his job as gym leader and protector of the vault if it means he can stay with his s/o for the rest of his life. In his opinion having someone to love and be loved by for his entire life is more important than being recognised as strong or famous.

[whorphydice]

Sad prompt: Orpheus refusing to let Eurydice use herself as a bargaining tool anymore. Him not expecting anything from her and just loving her for being her!

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG BUT HERE IT IS. It accompanies my HC that she used herself as a ‘good’ to trade for food and shelter.

“Why are you just so nice?” Eurydice asks one night, her head on his chest, the sound of his heart drumming in his chest some of her favorite music of all. “How are you so..kind? Giving?”

The hand he has strumming on her lower back stops, as he lifts his head to look at her. “What are you talking about ‘Rydice..” Orpheus starts, bright eyes flicking over her in a near panic- what brought that on? 

“You just..you give. And you give. And you give. You give until you have nothing left and even then some. And you don’t expect anything? I have nothing to give you but-” Eurydice’s head stays firmly planted on his chest, nothing particular catching her eye as she speaks until he grabs her chin to make her look at him, brown eyes catching green. 

“I love you, isn’t that enough reason? You’re another person..isn’t that reason enough? If I can help someone I should-” His thumb runs over her jawline, a pure smile on his face. “That’s what people are supposed to do.”

“I have nothing to give in return, Orpheus. I never had. Do you know what I did to survive..do you know what a difference it would have made to run into people like you?” There is a blazing fire in her dark eyes as she props one elbow on his chest and supports her head with the accompanying hand. “The only thing I had was me. And sometimes that was enough for them-”

There is confusion then concern going over his face as the depth of what she says registers.  “Eurydice what do you mean it was enough..of course you’re enough.”

“You know what I mean. And sometimes sharing a bed with someone else was better than no bed at all. And when you’re young and you’re hungry.. Theres nothing, really, that sounds like too much for someone to ask of you in exchange for a warm meal, you know?” And maybe he didn’t know what that was like, she prayed to whatever god still cared that he never knew exactly it was like for her. “If I hadn’t met you that day, i’d probably still be doing it. That, or dead, I guess.” 

She’s too ashamed to admit she assumed he was the same when they first met. 

Come home with me.

I’ve met too many men like you. 

“Eurydice I..I wouldn’t..I never-” 

“Shh, I know. I know you never would have. I know that. I know that.” And she does. She knew within minutes of meeting him, with his childlike wonder and endless optimism and his gorgeous song. No, he was not like other men, and she knew this. “Still. Doesn’t explain what I did to deserve you. To deserve this.”

To deserve someone who walked to hell to find her, albeit if he doubted himself. But it didn’t matter. Eventually, at least, they found their way to each other again.

“Why wouldn’t you? You’re...you’re wonderful Eurydice. You’re all I ever wanted. You’re ore than that. You give me you. And not...not in the way you felt like you had to..you let me love you, and thats more than I could ever have asked for! You give me you and our family and- you’re you Eurydice. And thats more than enough. Thats more than I ever dared to ask for! I have you!” He’s so genuine in the way he sings her praises, as he kisses her without ever pulling his hand from her cheek. There is nothing more clear about Orpheus than the way he loves his wife. Everyone who meets him knows one thing- he is nothing but infatuated with Eurydice. 

When she smiles at him it reaches her eyes and her heart flutters a funny kind of way. She’s about to respond when he keeps speaking. 

“And you know you never have to do..that.. Again. You’re not going to. We’ll find other ways to survive, other ways to get by.. You’re more than a bargaining chip, Eurydice.” 

He may be the only person to ever treat her this way. To treat her like a person with inherent worth, worthy of love just for existing. 

She doesn’t tell him that, though. She doesn’t press or argue the point. She wouldn’t go back to that, not now. She has too much to live for to go back to that, to go back to seeing her body as a means to an end. 

“I love you, Orpheus.” Eurydice nearly whispers, burying her face in the crook of his neck. 

He pulls her closer, wrapping their legs together and wrapping her so tightly in his arms that she couldn’t escape their embrace even if she wanted to. There is nothing between them save for thin summer-time pajamas, and even that felt like too much in this moment. Still, he rested his head ontop of hers and wrapped gangly limbs around her. 

“Theres nothing in the world worth more to me than you, Eurydice.”

[laurens-lil-fics]

Hallucinate - Matt Murdock x Powered! Reader Part 4

Series Summary: When members of a criminal organization start flooding precincts all over New York, turning themselves in, Daredevil must investigate to see what new player has them running for the hills.

Chapter Summary: A couple days of radio silence makes Matt worry his new partner may do something rash. His solution? A sushi dinner downtown. But an uninvited guest could turn the whole night around.

Word Count: 2597

Warnings: Major angst, cursing, kidnapping

Author’s note: I thought this chapter would be hella short but it is, in fact, hella long. Dont worry, yall will get some answers soon. 

The third time was, in fact, not the charm. Neither was the fifth, or the seventh.

By the eighth call, (Y/n) finally answered, mumbling a simple command to leave her alone before hanging up.

Matt sighed deeply, repressing the urge to throw the burner phone out the window and start scouring the city for her heart beat.

It had been two days since the incident at the docks. She had refused to let him try to get her to ‘her place,’ insisting she didn’t trust him with that information.

When he tried convincing her to let him treat her wound she only pushed him away, eventually using what little energy she had left to fly off and leave him in the shipping container where they had taken refuge.

Both Daredevil and Matt Murdock hadn’t heard from (Y/n), which understandably put him on edge. 

Karen insisted it was because he had taken the charade too far and let himself get close to her.

He insisted it was because someone powerful enough to rip a yacht in half was on the loose in Hell’s Kitchen, unsupervised and seething. 

She had the addresses of the warehouses Mr. Mackie tipped Matt off to, she could have easily gone on her own to find Blum and kill him. Shit, he was probably dead already.

Groaning to himself, Matt ran his fingers over the case file he was supposed to be reading for a fourth time. He was too distracted to focus on anything that didn’t have to do with (Y/n) or Blum or anyone else involved with the two of them.

By the time he had forced himself to finish the case file, it was already noon.

He reached for his personal phone this time, deciding a call from Matt Murdock was the better approach. On the third ring she answered.

“Hello...?” Her voice was raspy, worn, like she had been crying or screaming, maybe a mixture of both.

“Hey stranger...” he smiled to himself, hearing her chuckle over the line, “haven’t heard from you in a while... everything okay?”

He could’ve sworn he heard her mumble something about him being mindreader before she responded. “Yeah... I’ve just had a lot on my mind and I haven’t felt like talking to anyone...”

“Well if it’ll help, I’m free tonight... Maybe venting about it will help you feel better?” He offered, his fingers tapping anxiously against his desk as he awaited her response.

“I dunno...” she sighed, “It’s a lot... and I don’t wanna bore you with the details. I’m not one to dump my problems onto other people.”

That would explain her reluctance to work with him.

“It’s not ‘dumping your problems’ if I’m offering to let you vent to me... plus as a lawyer, any and all ability to get bored was beaten out of me at law school.”

(Y/n) chuckled again, then the line went quiet. Matt didn’t break the silence, hoping she was taking that time to consider his offer.

“Where did you wanna meet...?”

Matt smiled softly, leaning back into his chair. “Theres this sushi place downtown, it’s small but the foods good... you eat sushi?”

“When it’s in my budget, yeah.” she responded.

Matt assured her he would cover it, though it took some convincing on her part to allow it. Once he gave her the address, he hung up. Now he just had to come up with a line of questioning that would be the most inconspicuous. 

Matt arrived just a couple minutes before (Y/n), worried if he showed up late even by a minute it would rub her the wrong way.

Why was he so worried? He told himself she’d open up to him more if she was in a good mood; that she’d be less likely to kill someone if he put her in a good head space.

From his moist palms he knew he was lying to himself.

He heard her walking up the block towards the restaurant, but still acted surprised when she lightly bumped him before telling him hello.

He could hear the fabric of a skirt brushing over her knees, the light click of her kitten heels, and he could smell just a hint of sweet perfume lingering on her skin.

“It’s a little more casual than I expected...” she trailed off, leaning a bit more into Matt as they entered the restaurant. 

“I’m sure you look beautiful... no one’s really going to mind if you come in a bit overdressed.” he assured her. He realized he had called her beautiful once he felt the heat rise to her cheeks. Matt Murdock sucked at playing it cool.

The two sat down in the corner of the restaurant, neither really knowing how to start the conversation once they had ordered their drinks.

“Okay... then I’ll start...” Matt cleared his throat, leaning in closer to her, “I haven’t known you very long... but you’re very sweet... I enjoy spending time with you. I just want to do what I can to make sure you’re alright... and I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on with you...”

The waitress interrupted them, bringing them their drinks and jotting down their orders, (Y/n)’s heart hammering in her chest the whole time.

Once she had left, (Y/n) sighed softly began fiddling with the wrapper from her straw.

“You know how I told you I went to school for photo journalism?” the nod from Matt prompted her to continue. “I never graduated... When I was working on my degree one of my professors told me I’d have to go out and take pictures for a big story if I wanted a real job... so I did...”

Matt cocked an eyebrow at this, “And what did you find?” he pressed.

“Nothing good...” She mumbled, glancing around the room, “I found out this company that had branched into the city my college was in... it was doing a lot of really shady stuff... But once they found out what I had they made my life hell.”

She stopped there, why she refused to say more, Matt didn’t know.

“And that made it harder for you to attend classes?”

(Y/n) hummed in agreement, her voice wavering for a moment.

“Part of me knows I did the right think trying to find the truth... but I also know if I hadn’t seen what I did my life would be so much easier... I wanna go back to school, I wanna finish my degree, but no one will hire me without it and I can’t pay for school without money... I ruined my own life...”

“That’s not true... Hey, it’s not true.” He reached forward, searching for her hand for a moment before gently holding it in his. 

“You did what you thought was right... you didn’t make that company do whatever it is they did, you didn’t force their hands. You only tried to expose it so people wouldn’t get hurt.”

(Y/n) was silent, save for a couple soft sniffles here and there. Matt could tell she was trying to fight back tears, had he known this was under the hard exterior he had seen during his nights with her as Daredevil, he would have opted to talk with her somewhere more private.

“You’re a lawyer... What do you do when the bad people don’t get what they deserve...? What do you do when you know they’ve hurt people, that they deserve to be punished, but they just... they’re not?”

Matt would be a hypocrite to tell her it was best to turn the other cheek. Shit, he spent his nights in a devil costume beating up people who got away with whatever crimes they had committed. People who the justice system just couldn’t stop.

But he also couldn’t tell her to keep fighting them, that could set something off inside her head, something that would give her that good old Frank Castle mentality.

“I may not look it, but I’m a praying man... sometimes you just have to pray that someone else will step in and give those people what they deserve.” That was a happy middle, right...?

(Y/n) slowly pulled her hand away, the sound of her wiping at her eyes not lost on him. “Sometimes prayers aren’t enough...”

Matt shrugged his shoulders, a soft sigh escaping his parted lips. “You’re right... but it’s still important to have hope... otherwise what they did to you will eat you up for the rest of your life and you’ll never move on.”

She seemed to be pondering what he said, all while refusing to look at him. All that pain, all that anger, Matt knew as well as anyone it wouldn’t go away in one night. But maybe this was a step in the right direction.

This time, she reached over, taking hold of his and giving it a gentle squeeze. She murmured a small thank you, to which Matt returned the intimate gesture and brushed his thumb over her knuckles.

The two frantically adjusted themselves once their food arrived, Matt was a bit ashamed that he had lost him composure the way he did.

The conversation became more lighthearted as the meal progressed, a great weight having been lifted off the two of them once they finally addressed the elephant in the room, or at least the elephant that only Matt seemed to be aware about.

This whole time Matt had been trying to figure out why (Y/n) had been after this Blum character, trying to find a way to ease her out of feeling like she had to kill him. Now he had a vague sense of what had happened, and was comfortable knowing his words had some sort of impact on her.

“So you really took Greek to impress a girl...? Guys really do that?”

Matt laughed and scratched at the back of his head, feeling bashful at the mention of Elektra and the lengths he had gone to so he could win her over.

“Yes, guys do that, Ms. (L/n). You’d be surprised just how many guys do, I bet you dated a guy back in the day who did the same thing.”

(Y/n) snorted at his assumption and washed down her last bite of fish with a gulp of her water. “God, now that you mention it I actually-”

“(L/n)? (Y/n) (L/n)?”

A voice from across the room caught their attention, and curiously sent (Y/n)’s heart beat skyrocketing. Matt didn’t have a good feeling about this.

“Little (Y/n)!” The person exclaimed with glee. He approached (Y/n), something Matt imagined would have had her up and shoving this stranger away. Instead she sat there, petrified.

“Never expected to see you in New York, why didn’t you give your old uncle a call?” 

(Y/n) remained silent as this man put his hands on her, giving her an awkward side hug before glancing Matt’s way.

“Is this your new boyfriend?”

“No, he’s not-”

“I’m Marcus, Marcus Blum, (Y/n)’s uncle.” The man introduced himself. Matt felt his blood run cold.

“Matthew Murdock.” His response was curt and to the point. He knew he should have put on a facade, pretended to not sense (Y/n)’s discomfort and played the role of the oblivious date.

But right now (Y/n) was a time bomb, and Matt would do anything to avoid lighting that fuse.

“Mr. Murdock, would you mind if I borrowed my niece for a moment? We need to catch up on family matters.”

Before Matt could even respond, Blum had his hold on (Y/n) and was leading her towards an empty corner of the restaurant.

The worst part was, she willingly stood from her chair, staring at Matt the whole way there like a fish out of water, pulled from the ocean.

“Don’t try anything,” Blum began, all traces of his cheery tone thrown to the wind, “one wrong move and you’ll be pumped full of lead in seconds.”

That meant there were people in the restaurant who worked for him, who had been watching them, probably listening in. They must had been very efficient, Matt hadn’t heard anything suspicious since their arrival.

“They’d never pull the triggers fast enough... not fast enough to save you, at least...” She murmured, pulling her arm from his grasp.

“I thought we’d agree you’d never come back to New York, (Y/n)... That your snooping days were over.”

“I don’t know what your talking about-”

“Don’t play dumb with me!” he snapped, checking his tone once the few people in the restaurant who weren’t on his payroll looked in their direction. “Who else could rip a yacht in half like that...? Who else would send my people scrambling into jail cells?”

“Maybe you pissed off the wrong person... and they’ve come for revenge... Maybe all the people I found years ago have returned as spirits... come to settle their scores.” She grumbled. Though her voice was level and her chest puffed, her heart beat was drowning everything out for Matt.

Blum leaned in close, whispering in her ear. “If you have any sense... you’ll leave New York tonight. Otherwise your boyfriend is going to learn first hand about everything you’ve lied to him about.”

(Y/n) states silent, her strong stature faltering as she looked away from him and towards Matt.

“I’m glad we could have this talk...”

With that, Blum brushed past her and sat at the table he had been occupying. It suddenly felt like all eyes in the restaurant were on Matt and (Y/n) once she returned to their table. 

To (Y/n)’s insistence, they payed the bill and hastily left the restaurant.

Roughly 30 minutes after (Y/n) left Matt at his apartment, having said their goodbyes, he received a call from her on the burner phone. The second he answered, she was rambling a mile a minute in his ear.

“If we’re going to make a move it has to be tonight, can you meet me at the warehouse on the east side?”

Her voice had lost its steely edge, it was clear she had cried during the walk to wherever she was staying since she wasn’t bothering to mask her voice at this point.

“Slow down, we need to make a proper plan of attack before we go in there-”

“There’s no time for a plan!” she interrupted, “They’re threatening innocent people, people who know me! We need to find Blum and take him out before it’s too late!”

Matt could hear keys rustling in the background, as if she was struggling with a door before bursting into her room. 

“(Y/n), let’s just think about this. If we slow down we have a better chance of catching Blum.” Matt, who was preoccupied with going to his closet for his suit, hadn’t even noticed his slip up.

The line was dead silent for a moment, Matt almost called out to her, nervous the call had dropped.

“...How do you know my name...?”

Fuck.

“A-are you with them? How the fuck do you know my name?!” 

Matt began to panic, trying to think up an excuse on the fly, something convincing.

“Answer me, asshole! How do you know my-!” 

The sound of the phone clattering to the floor had Matt wincing away from the speaker pressed to his ear. What followed was the sound of something heavy thumping right beside the device. His knuckles turned white from how hard he gripped the flip phone, realization dawning on him once he realized what had happened.

All he heard next was the sound of heavy footsteps approaching the phone before the line went dead.

Tag List:

@sisterwinchesterwriter

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 8

All done!

“-son. Master Jason.”

Fuck, Alfred’s dead? The end is extremely fucking nigh.

But, if he’s going to be selfish (which got him into this, you’d think he’d learn)…at least he has company in…wherever this is.

His hands still hurt, though, which he finds very unfair.

“You are no better at feigning unconsciousness than you were at fifteen, sir.”

He’s not tryin’ to…

Why does Death look like his old bedroom. Is this some sorta ‘ease into it’ area?

“There you are.”

“Alfie?”

Alfred hasn’t changed one bit. Jason will bet that his mustache hasn’t even grown, or shed a hair, or anything.

“How are you-”

Alfred.

He hugs him and he hasn’t changed, not one goddamn bit. Alfred hugs him back, one hand cupping his neck and the other moving firmly up and down his spine. Alfred’s here, everything’s gonna be okay, at least for another minute…

The hand on his spine moves and his head’s tilted up with a soft, “Oh, my boy.”

It’s over. Any dignity he had is gone. He presses his face against Alfred’s chest (fabric softener Earl Grey home) and doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not crying. He’s never been able to keep anything from Alfred anyway.

“M’sorry.”

“Oh, my boy,” Alfred says again, and those sturdy hands press against his head and neck. “There is nothing to apologise for.”

He tries to take a few deep breaths, to get himself under control for fuck’s sake, and can’t. He can’t do it anymore.

But Alfred is a literal saint, and he doesn’t try to coax him to talk or to sit up or to do anything at all, even after his jacket must be soaked through. He just sits there, marginally more slumped than he usually is, and rubs a hand in slow, steady circles over Jason’s shoulders.

At some point, he senses a presence in the doorway, but before he can straighten up it’s gone again and now, without that motivation, it’s easier to just stay here where it’s safe and warm.

He eventually runs out of tears but his face is now wet and swollen and hot. His nose feels like it’s swollen shut and he’s been reduced to careful, thought-out breaths that rattle in his throat and burn in his chest. Sitting up is too much work.

Alfred props him up anyway and rubs a cool washcloth over his face before letting him take it and hold it against his now-puffy eyelids.

“That’s it, Master Jason.” If Bruce is Sherlock Holmes, then Alfred is Watson. They don’t deserve him. “That’s it. Deep breaths, there we are.”

“M’sorry, Alfie,” he forces out, voice strangled. “M’sorry-”

“That’s enough of that.”

“But-”

“I won’t hear any more of that.” Oh, boy. That’s the ‘you’re on thin ice and should just shut up’ voice. Even now, it’s scary and he doesn’t have the courage to go against it.

A straw presses against his lips-limeade-and Alfred continues, a little gentler now, “I cannot imagine that you purposefully buried yourself for any reason, Master Jason. Am I correct?”

He laughs. He can’t help it. It sounds so nice put like that.

“No. No, I…I didn’t. I didn’t.” He is not going to start crying again. He refuses. Sheila flashes behind his eyes, blonde and blue and red, and he presses the washcloth down hard enough to hurt. “I…she s-said. She said she was out. Sh-she said she was out, Alfred, I thought…just once…”

“From the beginning, Master Jason.” Calm, but making it very clear that he doesn’t have a choice. “Who is ‘she’?”

He swallows, knows he’s imagining something squirming at the back of his throat. Alfred waits.

“Sheila Haywood,” he finally whispers. “I…Bruce’s files…she might have been my mother.”

He doesn’t have to look to know Alfred’s got that little frown between his eyebrows, the one that says he’s deeply upset. Jason presses the washcloth tighter against his eyes, sparking colors, and his wrist is tugged at until the colors die off.

“I just…she approached me, Alfie, I swear, I didn’t…I just thought…” He swallows again, forces himself to let the washcloth fall to his lap. “M’tired of bein’ second choice, Alfred.”

He doesn’t have time to brace himself before he’s pulled back down and somehow…folded…so that he’s tucked against Alfred’s chest like he’s thirteen again and still fits.

“Jason Peter Todd,” Aw, shit. “you have never been second choice, do you understand?”

But…

Look. He’s very well aware that he wouldn’t be here if Dick hadn’t had that fallout with Bruce. And oh, boy, has he ever learned the Joys of Being the Second Child-‘Dick did this’, ‘Dick did that’, and on and on and on. He’s come to terms with that fact, it’s fine, whatever.

But arguing that point (or any point) with Alfred is a Bad Idea.

And. And he’s here, now, because Bruce…Bruce came to pick him up, when he asked. So. That means something, doesn’t it?

His head hurts.

Alfred sighs at his non-answer but lets it go for the time being.

“What happened with Miss Haywood?”

He’s not moving. He’s staying right here until this is all over.

“Some moron tried to hold up the grocery store…”

* * *

Jason feigns sleep for the rest of the day, until Bruce is out on patrol. Sneaking past the Batman isn’t impossible, but it’s definitely hard and with his hands almost completely useless, well…

The last thing he wants or needs is a lecture on Trust and Rushing Into Things and Dammit, Jason, This is What Got You Captured by the Joker. He knows that, thanks, Bruce.

(And yeah, okay, he knows lectures are Bruce’s way of saying I Love You, but some people swear a punch to the face is an I Love You, so.)

Sneaking past Alfred, on the other hand…now that really is impossible.

He’s halfway down the stairs when there’s an irritated, “A-HEM,” from behind him. Crap.

“I was thirsty?”

Alfred gets this expression that Jason will swear means he’s envisioning smacking him upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper. Yeah. Okay. Game’s up.

“I just…I need some time,” he says, eyes fixed on a knot in the wooden banister. “I can’t face him, Alfred, not now.”

Not for a long time, probably. Not without a massive blow-up on both sides and it’s better if no one else is around to be caught in that crossfire.

And besides. Right now, he just…his apartment may be kinda crappy, but it’s not haunted by a stupid kid who swore up and down that

“Being Robin gives me magic!”

“This is the best day of my life.”

There’s too many ghosts in this house.

Alfred comes forward and pats his shoulder.

“At least permit me to provide you with a few easy-to-reheat meals.”

“I’m okay-”

“Humor an old man.”

That is a trap. That is a trap, it’s just better to nod and neither protest or nor agree. And he’s got time, before Bruce gets back.

“Thanks, Alfred.”

“Hm.”

He’s ushered towards the kitchen. It hasn’t changed a bit-still homey and warm and with those same comfy stools by the counter. He remembers having after-school snacks there and chattering a mile a minute about ‘so Mister Pierce set his desk on fire in chemistry and it was so cool I gotta try that y’think B’ll let me-?’

“If I hear one word about you being out before those hands have healed, there is no power on Heaven or Earth that will spare you, is that clear?”

He believes. He believes.

“Yeah.”

“Good.” An icebox appears out of nowhere. “Do you need a ride?”

“No, I, uh…I called an Uber. I didn’t think I could drive.”

“Wise choice.” Alfred sets the icebox down and grips Jason’s arms. “You will always have a home with us, Master Jason. Remember that.”

He is not going to start crying again. He is not.

“Thanks, Alfred.”

* * *

The Uber guy is more interested in his radio than in Jason and that’s just fine. It means he’s not going to pester him, which means that he can twist around to watch Wayne Manor shrink into the distance through back window.

When he gets home, he opens his e-mail. Nothing new, but Sheila’s are still there. He deletes most of them.

But.

He can’t. Even now, after everything, he can’t bring himself to hate her. Not really.

He moves the remaining few to his ‘save it’ folder, where he won’t open them by mistake, and goes outside for a cigarette. Lighting it’s a pain, and there’s a few minutes that he’s terrified that he’s going to light the bandages on his hands on fire, but he manages it, in the end, and leans on the railing to watch the cars go by below.

In another unit, he can hear Mz. Melinda May cackling and a handful elderly voices swearing and demanding she be thrown out. Maybe he’ll go over there tomorrow, make sure she hasn’t downloaded a crap-ton of computer viruses again. (And yeah, okay, he wants to know about the yelling.)

There’s a sudden movement in the shadows across the street and he goes inside, turns on the TV. He’s halfway through an episode of Chopped when a red bar pops up on the bottom saying, Batman recaptures Harley Quinn, more at eleven.

A knot in his chest he didn’t realize was there loosens up and he pulls his blanket tighter around his shoulders.

“Thanks, B.”

THE END

[felisarahi]

Fun Times On The Road

My first challenge as newly vegetarian was faced driving back home from Mexico.  I was facing 1,166 miles in a car with meat lovers, including myself.  The easy choice was to cave in and just start when I arrived in Utah.  I couldn't do that.  I had committed to it and if I backed out now I wouldn't do it again.  It would have been a failed venture.  I couldn't add failure to unemployed and living at home, that’s sad.  So I ventured on hoping meatless meals would not be too hard to come by.  

We left my grandma’s house really early one morning to begin the long drive back.  First mistake already committed.  I left too early to even think about breakfast and didn’t pack any snacks.  That meant we had to stop somewhere to eat on the way.  After a few hours of driving everybody got hungry.  We stopped at a taco stand.  My first thought was that there wouldn't be anything for me to eat there.  We sat down and looked at the menu.  It was packed with delicious meat choices: tacos, quesadillas and alambres.  I saw that they had a custom breakfast choice so I decided to go with that. As it was January 2nd they were understaffed and the waitress told me that they were not serving that.  I decided to go with the quesadilla with mushrooms. My cousin, Dario, was the first one to give me a look of disbelief.  “Why was I choosing mushrooms when I could eat delicious meat?” That’s what his face said to me. I explained that I was going vegetarian.  His face did not change.

When everybody got their carne asada filled goodies and I got my quesadilla we got ready to chow down.  I got up to get all the fixings.  I filled my plate with cucumbers and guacamole.  I am pretty sure I scraped that bowl clean. Avocados are one of my favorite things in the world. Anyway, I was enjoying my meal.  To me those mushrooms were heaven.  I was really hungry. Dario kept asking me if I wanted some of his food and I kept refusing.  I knew he was just trying to be funny but after a while it started to feel a little personal.

After eating we resumed driving.  We got to Nogales, Sonora and prepared to cross the border.  We were waiting for what seemed like forever.  I had to pee, my sister had to pee, we were nowhere near the end of the line. Then, I saw my mom and my cousin Crystal walk across the street.  They were in another car.  I rolled down the window and confirmed what I suspected.  They were going to pee in the bushes.  I immediately opened the car door and joined them.  It was the most glorious bladder relief of my life. It was so long it turned into a squat workout.  I still can’t believe my sister held it for the nearly three hours that we waited in line.  She said that she had a bad experience peeing in the bushes once and would never do it again.  Understandable.  It was probably torture for her when we got to the end of the line and the customs agent was so friendly he wanted to chat.  It felt like forever even though we weren’t there for more than five minutes.  The first gas station we saw she beelined to the bathroom.  Bladders emptied and tanks filled we got back on the road.

Challenge number two started when we arrived to Tucson where we were going to spend the night at my brother’s house.  My uncle had asked me to get him some pork product in Tucson.  I feel like I should explain what this product is.  There are two types of chicharrones: one is pork rinds, the other pork belly.  When they are fried there’s stuff that settles at the bottom of the pot.  My uncle wanted those little bits of meat and fat from the pork belly.  Now that that’s explained, I searched for butcher shops in Tucson that might have it.  After going to the second shop and not finding that pork thing I decided I was done.  Mexican butcher shops are different from regular ones.  They usually have a small restaurant attached and lots of pictures of yummy food.  I had been on the road for a long time with nothing but that quesadilla and some snacks in my belly.  The memory of meat still fresh in my mind I couldn’t risk walking into another place like that.  I fled from the meat to my brother’s house where more quesadillas awaited me.  

Challenge number three did not take long to manifest itself.  Although not as tough as the first one.  My mom, sister, sister-in-law and cousins went out to the store after settling down a bit.  When they returned they had a heaving box from In-N-Out.  The smell was intoxicating.  I hunkered down with my book and tried not to imagine the juicy burger in my mouth.  There were so many people eating that soon everything was consumed and the smell dissipated.  And with that last challenge I survived to be a vegetarian another day.  

There was more road to traverse through.  Tucson was only the beginning.  The next day we got up early again and headed out.  We had breakfast in Phoenix at Jack-in-the-Box.  I don’t think it’s common knowledge that their 99 cent tacos are made with soy and not real meat.  My sister told me that and that’s what I ended up ordering. The trip went on without any mishaps, thankfully.  We didn’t really stop for food after that.  When we arrived in Salt Lake City, Utah that night I was glad to be home.  I wondered what eating at home would be like now for me.  That was an issue for the next day.  I was too tired to care at that moment.

[ghoulstars]

i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day

shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is: shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes ?????????? who fucking knows

heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks

and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????

i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.

and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left

then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD

the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”

we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose

but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism

and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol

[wannasoftimagine]

imagine park woojin as your classmate

project partners to dating partners :’)

(( AS REQUESTED // omg since ure a woojin stan can i get a request where y/n and woojin study in the same course after his wanna one activities (before he debuts in brand new music) and got closer after a project andddd you can write whatever after that LMAO :^) THANK YOU ))

okay so ure a fan of wanna one

who isnt tbh

and lucky u bc it turns out tht ure going to college w the one and only park woojin!!!!!!! (srsly tho what r the chances)

u forgot tht woojins age is kinda similar to urs bc he always acts like a tough guy on stage or a little kid off stage and u forget that hes a student like u

anyways

its a little weird to get used to seeing him in person after all the pictures n videos uve seen of him online

like?? hes a Real Person??? what a wild idea

and even tho ure both in the same college course, u try to keep ur distance

as much as ud like to befriend him, hes still an idol (even tho he hasnt debuted w brand new yet) and its rlly hard for u to start up a conversation w someone famous

also ure lowkey worried tht its going to ruin how much u admire him, and that actually talking to him will destroy how highly u view him

little do u kno hes seen u around campus before n thinks ure pretty cute

;))

okay but anyways

u make sure to stay out of his way bc the last thing u want is to bother him by asking for a signature or picture or smthn

u try and keep a minimum of like 10 yds between u at all times

(bc itd be even more embarrassing if u tripped right in front of him and that was the first thing he noticed abt u)

but lucky for u, life doesnt care what u have planned

bc its only a month into the semester and u already have a huge project assigned

of course, it’s a partner project

it might be okay if u were able to choose ur partners, but ur teacher insisted on trying to help everyone “bond w their classmates” so its all completely random

unfortunately for u, u get sick the day that ur teacher assigns partners

so u have no idea who ure paired up with

ure stuck asking some of ur classmates, but none of them rlly remember

everyone was a bit busy stressing out over their own partners tbh

and u keep asking around a bit, but u only know so many ppl in the class so eventually u kinda give up and hope ur partner isnt too bad

u settle on focusing on ur other classes, studying for future exams and reviewing ur notes in the library

even tho ure not sick anymore, u still feel a bit drowsy from all of the different medications u took and all of the work u were trying to catch up on

so. all excuses aside u fall asleep

prob not the best plan esp since some of ur things are balancing on the edge of ur desk

but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it rlly wants to sleep

ure having a rlly weird dream abt pirate monkeys when ure jolted awake by someone bumping into ur side

u look up to see someone sprinting away from u and like okay. thts a little weird

u try not to think abt it too much bc ure still kinda sleepy

so u settle on gathering ur things so u can head back to ur dorm and decide whether or not u want to study, sleep more, or find something to eat

as u collect everything, u notice a little post it note that hadnt been there before

in messy handwriting, it says “i didnt want to wake u but im ur partner for the partner project. im woojin and u can text me at [xxx-xxx-xxxx] whenever u want to meet up i hope u sleep well”

u realize that ur partner is prob the one u saw sprinting away from u earlier after he accidentally bumped into u lol

somehow u momentarily forget that ur partner is THE park woojin and ure like aw cool this woojin guy seems nice

then ure like WAIT A SECOND

ure highkey in shock and keep pinching urself to make sure its real

so u end up taking the rest of ur stuff back to ur room and wondering how u should text him

eventually u decide on a simple greeting and ur name, and u ask him when hes free

u have to send the text and then throw ur phone onto the floor bc U JUST TEXTED PARK WOOJIN ABT MEETING IN PERSON. GOD BLESS

ure suddenly super grateful abt every decision tht led u to this moment

anyways

ur phone buzzes on the floor so u scramble to pick it up

only to realize tht its a text from ur mom asking how ure doing

u text her back and tell her not to worry, then attempt to clean ur room a little instead of waiting for woojin to text u back

u just finish reorganizing ur closet when he texts u

its a quick text, smthn along the lines of “im free tmrw afternoon, do u want to meet by the cafeteria” so u agree quickly and hope u dont seem too desperate

and u KNOW its not a date

u guys havent even spoken to each other before so???

but ure still rlly nervous bc its WOOJIN and u want to impress him, even if ure just going to spend most of ur time talking abt boring coursework

u both settle on a time to meet and u pretend not to freak out

anyways skip to the next afternoon

u get there a bit early but ?? hes there already ??? ldsjks

and he looks Really Cute like hes wearing a sweater and ripped jeans and looking like complete boyfriend material wow ure p sure u can feel ur heart stop in ur chest

hes a bit awkward but uve heard abt how shy he is so u try not to take it personally

as soon as he sees u he blurts out tht u look nice and that is not helping the way tht this feels like a date

u guys end up moving to a bench in the shade bc its rlly nice out and this way ure able to talk freely without worrying abt being too loud

he explains the project a little, and u guys go back and forth offering up ideas

he always nods super enthusiastically whenever u suggest smthn and its honestly the cutest thing uve ever seen

its so weird for u to remember that this is the same guy uve seen videos of online bc what the heck

anyways

neither of u are extreme geniuses in the class, but ure both still pretty smart

ure pleased to find tht u guys complement each other well, w different areas of interest inside the same field

it helps ur project run a lot smoother than u thought it would, so u guys split up the work and agree to do as much as u can before u meet up again

ur conversations are still a bit stilted bc ure both still shy w each other, but overall u seem to get along well so ure happy

u text each other every once in awhile to talk abt the project or ask questions

u meet up a few more times in the next couple weeks but its all work and no business

still, over time u find urselves joking around with each other a little more, teasing each other and talking abt urselves instead of the project

of course, all things must come to an end

so all too soon, the day u submit the final project arrives

and ure a little worried tht woojin is going to disappear from ur life again

bc maybe he’s only been this nice to u bc hes just a sweet guy, but as soon as the project ends he wont care abt talking to u anymore

after all, its not like u guys meet up for meals or to hang out that often - even when ure just relaxing w each other, theres always some part of ur convo tht centers around the class

so as ure freaking out over this

he texts u asking if u want to come over to his dorm while he submits it

and mb u guys can just hang out afterwards?

obviously u agree and u cant stop smiling

when u show up at his dorm, hes wearing sweatpants and a tshirt and he looks adorable as heck when he invites u in

u guys sit on his bed as he loads all the stuff on his laptop and u try not to be hyperaware of the space between u two

woojins also screaming internally but somehow u dont notice the way he keeps staring at u out of the corner of his eye

u click the “submit” button together and HIS HANDS ARE SO GENTLE also theyre shaking a little???? huh

u assume its just bc hes Extra Nervous for the project but honestly? no hes just never been this close to u and hes freaking out

but anyways

u decide to go out to eat off campus afterwards to celebrate being done

a lot of the places have long waits or are too expensive so u just eat at a chikfila

its rlly casual but its fun and u guys argue abt whether chicken nuggets or chicken sandwiches r better and u cant help but think abt how much fun ure having w hiim

u end up blurting it out to him on accident and ure v v embarrassed

but he laughs and admits tht he rlly likes spending time w u too

so u promise each other to keep hanging out afterwards

it gets to the point where weeks later, ure still texting each other to complain abt classes or ask abt the other persons day

it still feels like a dream tbh

but u guys enjoy each others company whenever u can

most of the time u end up meeting each other at the cafeteria or studying together in the library, but u both just rlly like spending time w the other person

this routine continues for awhile and its prob the best part of ur life

but at one point ure trying to sneak up on woojin and surprise him when u see him talking to himself

as u creep forward, u realize tht hes actually on the phone, and he looks kinda stressed

it feels a bit invasive so ure looking around trying to find a place to go while he finishes up his phone call

but then u hear him say ur name so. consider u INTERESTED

and he keeps getting flustered and shutting down anything tht the other person says which is weird bc hes p shy, but hes never usually tht adamant and blushy abt something

eventually he tucks his phone away and lets out a Huge sigh so ure like,, hey u good

and he laughs it off but u can tell hes a little antsy, so u decide to tell him tht u overheard a little bit of him on the phone, and u ask him what it was about

he literally turns into a tomato its so funny u wish u had recorded it

but hes like “HOW MUCH DID U HEAR”

even tho u tell him u didnt hear much, he refuses to believe u and he spends the next few minutes pouting

u keep trying to get him to talk to u normally, but he refuses

finally he ends up grumbling smthn and ure like ???

and after a few half hearted efforts to repeat himself hes like “just tell me u dont like me back”

and. WHAT.

he pouts again and its so sos sosososoos o so cute u think ure going to combust honestly

“i kno u heard me tell him tht i like u!!!! just tell me u dont feel the same and leave me alone to cry”

and u have to reassure him tht u definitely didnt hear that BUT ALSO what???

n hes literally mortified when he realizes ure serious

but he has this rlly cute determined expression like “ok well now u kno i like u!!!!! y/n, please go out w me???”

n its like OF COURSE and u tell him tht u like him too and he keeps smiling and acting shy

honestly u both just make each other super happy

when u start dating, its not too diff from when u were friends, except now ure more affectionate w each other

both physically and with ur words

he loves hyping u up, and u feel the same

esp when he starts practicing more to debut w the rest of the bnm boys

u support the heck out of each other and can always count on the other person to be there for u when u need it the most

honestly its super soft and ure totally proud to be a lowkey campus couple even tho u have to keep ur relationship on the down low bc of dispatch

still u both care for each other a lot and u wouldnt trade what u have for the world

[a-pretty-nerd]

Imagine: Part 5 (Jasper Jordan x pregnant reader)

A/N: So now we’re jumping into Season 3 Jasper. Prepare for major fluff, and sexual tension! ✌❤

Warnings: NSFW, swearing, ansgt, alchoholic Jasper.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It had been roughly 3months since Mt. Weather. Since you stumbled to Arkadia, and tried your best to make a life for yourself. You spent a lot of time in the Med bay, with Clarke’s mother. She made it her job to make you, and Raven top priority. While you were there, you were either helping with food supply, or wondering around. Often times, looking for Jasper. You were there for him when he broke down. The many days and nights of sitting with him, and just, talking. It was, therputic in a way. But it didn’t numb the pain. Not like liquor did for him. You envied him a little. He could drown himself away, and because he knocked you up, you couldn’t.

You worried about him. He hadn’t been the Jasper you knew and loved since Mt. Weather. He was different. He spent most of his time getting drunk, and sleeping. Every now and then, he’d be okay enough to have a real conversation with. Sometimes. Mostly, in the afternoon. Once his hang over wore off, and he had something to eat.

“Morning, preggers.” He gave you the nickname, and he refused to let it go. You sat across the table from him, and ate your meal.

“Afternoon, Jasper.” Your voice was stern.

“How are you?” He didn’t look at you, he rarley looked at anyone in the face. He’d chopped all his hair off, and lost weight. As if that was even possible, he rarely ate a full meal. He’d snack at the most.

“How are you? Jasper.” You corrected him.

“I asked first.” He stated, sipping his drink. You glanced at him, and then his drink.

“That better be water.” You changed the subject. Jasper didn’t answer. You took it from his hand, and went to take a sip. He leaned over the table, and swifted snatched it back. The look on his face a mix of anger, and worry.

“Pregnant women shouldn’t drink.”

“Damn it Jasper!” You slammed your fist on the table. Jasper flinched, but kept drinking. “You just woke up, like an hour ago.” He ignored you.

“How’s the kid.” He looked at your stomach. It sent a shiver down your spine. You should tell him. Without Maya, there was nothing ruin. It was his baby, he should know. But it was wrong. So wrong. Jasper was already going through so much, you couldn’t throw that in.

“I’m four months today. Another, and theres no going back.” You said bluntly, chewing on your food.

“What do you mean?”

“By five months, a very drasric situation would have to occure for me to misscary.” You didn’t look at one another, just talked.

“You want to misscary?” He looked up, and looked at you.

“A baby isn’t ideal, Jasper. I’m not saying I want to misscary. I just wish…I wish the whole thing never happened.” You leaned back and stared at the table.

“Damian, did he know?” You shook your head. “Why didn’t you tell him?” You wanted to say it was because he wasn’t the father. But the words, just wouldn’t come out. So you shrugged instead. “I’m sure he would have been thrilled.” He was trying to be nice. In the best way he screwed up little head could. But that statement only angered you. You don’t know how he would have reacted. Not well, you figured. An idiot could tell he wasn’t the father. You’d never done more than make out. But Jasper, why couldn’t he put it together? It’s not like he was clueless. Does he even remember, that night? Sure, he was drunk but, he figured it out by morning. If Monty got it so quickly, why couldn’t Jasper? He was smart enough. Soon, you heard footsteps behind you. Monty came, and sat down beside you. Jasper glared in his direction, and promptly got up and walked away.

“You tell him yet?” Monty asked, chowing down.

“No I haven’t told him yet.”

“Y/N, its been months. You have to-”

“I don’t havee to do anything, Monty! I could let this go on forever if I wanted to!” There was a moment of silence between the two of you.

“You have until its born. That baby isn’t going to look like Damian. You and I both know that.” You bit on your bottom lip. He was right. You had to tell him sometime. But, when the time was right.

The time wasn’t right for a while. Especially when Jasper came back from god knows where with a giant gash in his neck. You watched as Abby bandaged him up. Watched his outbursts and watch him stomp away. Off to the bar to numb the pain he was just reminded of. Things really weren’t right once this Chip business started going around. And when you heard that Mt. Weather had went up in flames while he was there. You broke down when you saw him come back. He held you close, and let you cry on his shoulder. You were so thankful he was safe. You weren’t sure you could make it without him.

You saw him around with Raven, and you tried asking him about it. But he said he was just helping a friend out with some, ‘stuff’. You wouldn’t say that you were stalking him, you just kept a close eye on him. And on Raven. The two of you werent close, but when once things started getting real weird, you started worrying about her. She was nice to you. You were friends. You saw what the chip turned her into. That wasn’t Raven. That was someone else. You helped Jasper in getting her out of Arkadia. You helped the group as they struggled to fight against Alie. You found yourself helping tie Raven down to a bed while she screamed, and kicked, and cried. It was terrifying to watch her like this. You sat in the room, and saw her chew people out. She turned her head and looked at you. Her bloody lips curled into a smile.

“You little slut.” She purred. You just stared at her as she spoke. “Getting knocked up like that. How could you be so stupid, so selfish! You walk around camp with nothing to offer others. You’re just an incubator at this point.” She insulted. It didnt hurt too bad. Thosr were all things you thought yourself. Raven didn’t know the truth, you didn’t have to worry about her spilling your secret. “You let Damian die. You could have done something to help him. Could have gotten up, and fought. Now that miserable, thing in your belly has to grow up without a daddy.” Slowly, she turned her head to one side. “Or is Damian even the father in the first place? You little whore!” You felt tears started to fall down your cold skin.

“You leave her alone!” Jasper demanded. He stood, and defended you.

“And you.” Raven started. You watched her tear him apart. It was like watching a man be mentally drawn and quartered. “Useles. You couldn’t even save whats-her-name-”

“You know her name!” He cried. Bellamy took ahold of him, and told him to take a breather. He shufftled away.

“Jasper…” You stood, and followed him out. Weakly, He held onto a fence outside. You stood next to him, and watched him cry. You rubbed his back, and you couldn’t help but cry with him. Not for yourself. But for him. “J-Jasper.” You croaked. He turned, and for the first time in what felt like eternity, he looked you in the eyes. The same look he gave you the day he came back from Mt. Weather.

“Y/N…” his voice was hoarse, and rough. You held him. The two of you sobbed in each other’s arms. It was such a tender moment, it helped. Affectionately, you kissed his cheek. He looked at you, not confused, but almost curious. But his pain trumped all that. He tucked your head under his chin, and held you there. “Thank you.” He groaned. “For being here…You’re the one…I-I feel like I can talk to.”

“Back at ya.” You tried to lighten the mood. Your rocked one another from side to side, until you felt collected enough to go back in.

“Come on preggers.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ah, this turned out so sweet ❤

[sentimentalica]

THANK YOU FOR NOT WEARING PERFUME

The poster "THANK YOU FOR NOT WEARING PERFUME" makes it clear that this area of the hospital has other and more clinical demands for hygiene. Anti-bacterial gel dispensers loom at every entrance, where the duty of decontamination provokes fear of bringing any dangerous microbes into this establishment. One is even encouraged to wash hands before entering the unit where the very few patients rest, the kind that lingers in between life and death and the kind that have so many tubes in and out the body that the general memory of them once being active Homo sapiens with erect posture and bipedal locomotion, is undergoing a great deal of torture. My mother has just been transported here from the cardiac intensive care unit. I´m starting to understand the few available waiting rooms they have to offer as spaces of laborious distress, feverish uncertainty and acidic hope. As if the sanitisation here promise something that cannot be promised. The second nurse that knocked on the door sits down with us. Me and my family are piercing her with ambiguous desire for truth. We read her body language, voice intonation and pauses between words with such a suspicion that even the slightest deviation in any of these languages could turn us into birds falling off a stick. We´re scared, and even though we realise quickly that the nurse simply cannot consolidate us from the dire pain, we turn to her as if mother earth has re-incarnated herself into the nurse´s veins and we are witnessing the beginning of the world. For a moment I believe that she has secret powers that can be utilised if one manage to crack a certain code. A code that would absolve my mother´s artificial coma and further alleviate the pharmaceutical burden of hollow cylinders. I fantasise about my mother´s return to the real world where I would ask her how the deep sleep was, and tell her that the three weeks she´s been gone, nothing much has really happened. Christmas will come again next year. A week ago, one of the first doctors had brought us all in for a serious talk in a small office with dark windows. Apart from her low voice and general scepticism in regards to survival rates of heart ceases, all I detect is her sharp hair cut(right under the chin) and narrow thick glasses that reveal bad eye sight and not bad judgment, as I would have preferred in this case. I want her to simply be mistaken, and that she´s one of those doctors that always make you get a second opinion from someone else. Her age is close to my mothers and for a moment, I consider my stepdad by my side and think that if this goes terribly wrong, he must find another woman. I almost forgive myself for having that thought at the same time as I wonder if that will happen and who she might be. Hospitals ads so much pressure to life, and what life even mean outside of this building. I recall my grandfather after my grandmother died, where he would juggle at least three women at the same time at the age of 76. The last one he dated I think was even blind, so the bachelor scheming made it easier for him. Silver lining, even towards the end.

Out in the hallway, I sit down and try to fathom the severity of the dramatic timespan; from waking up to 21 missed calls and a taxi ride to the hospital on Christmas day at 7 in the morning to camping here not knowing whether the gozzip magazines help or make the perspective on life worse. All the white coated labourers that are rushing, sometimes slow paced in and out of string opening doors, wearing comfortable sneakers. One of the first encounters with a nurse was a young and blonde woman with this particular dialect that somehow render spoken Norwegian into a high pitched cantata. If she would have brought on terminal illness as a diagnosis, even the worst kind possible, I would have taken it as an optimistic verdict.  As she shifts her weight from one hip to the other, I notice a round shaped snus box in the bulging pocket of her hospital pants and a funky piercing on her left ear cartilage. From her earlobe to my brothers blue eyes checking her out, I can tell that everyone is sort of moved by her more as a character than a nurse conveying crucial information. She´s not exactly Elle Driver from Kill Bill, but the fantasy of a nurse, and not just the uniform makes a lot of sense to me in this moment. She speak of my mom´s current condition with youthful grace and maternal sincerity that make me google professions in the health care field, as I wished it was me in there, taking care of her body and not someone unknown. I feel useless in this room which is half-hearted installed with standardised christmas decorations, itchy pillows, flavourless cookies and sour coffee. The view from the window is blocked by a crane and a man in orange workers clothes. His face will become my most graphic memory from these three weeks. The sky has never looked so grey and insignificant, it has compressed any imagination of a possible heaven. The blonde nurse asks if theres anything else and we all say no and thank you so much, where she replies; oh of course, I´m just doing my job. I look at my stepfather who hash´t slept for 2 days, still wearing the same clothes as he wore the morning he followed my mother in the ambulance. I listen to my sister who talks more or less to her own self-conscience about how she never wants to drink aquevit ever again, and that showing up at the hospital after a party is lethal to your nervous system. Especially on a day like this. She wants to hold my hand and rejoice into sisterhood which I quietly recoil from, not knowing exactly why, only that her touch feels like a forced contract I haven´t felt compelled to sign. A knock on the door in this room is characterised as an angst driven sigh catalyst- but many of the knocks are in fact from muslim women that are looking for empty seats and a place to crash. My mother is not the only patient at this hospital, and no one will ever, I retell myself over and over again, will be the ONLY PATIENT in a hospital. Over the next couple of days, these women as a tight knitted group and us as a tight ruptured family is at occupational war in this unit. Firstly because there are not enough chairs, and there´s only one tiny waiting room which holds so many conflicting emotions, that even to consider both parties in one space would create cumbersome discomfort. The prerequisite for potential grief is a self-centred affair that I cannot simply explain. As if the skin is eroding and extra coats become necessary, and you still feel cold. The brain feels like clouds of cotton, and not like the woven fabrics circumnavigating these female bodies as they humbly nod every time their scarfed heads pop into the glitch of the door and realise that today, this room is also occupied.

It dawns upon me that the sharing is caring concept doesn´t abide to this floor. The women eat out in the hallway, seated a part and not longer as a family. They´re spread out on one wallflowerish line, filling the X and the Y of the corridor. The smell of spices lingers in the clinical air, carried seamlessly by light human traffic. Everytime I go to the toilet I try to look at their faces for some compassionate contact. It´s difficult to put on a smile for them, although I deep down know, that this will be my only facial and gestural path to redemption. My step brother has just arrived with two bags filled with Big Macs and chilled fries from a drive in nearby, and that particular smell of burgers in itself puts me off next to the more oriental affair enclosed in styrofoam- both at combat and both appealing as its food produced outside of this institution. The Big Macs bring me back to my fast-food forbidden childhood and as I pick one up and unwrap the ordeal, I add some ketchup to make it more colourful. I take bites without chewing while my oesophagus cracks and forces by nature the happy meal further down into the stomach where it will stay as long as it wants. A late afternoon in the hospital, my father rings and as with all the consecutive correspondences over the phone during this period; the calls are being held in the hallways while walking up and down the architectural alleys. While I try to feel his far away presence perceived only as a cold digital voice today, a woman from the segregated group approaches me, and as I feel annoyed by this interruption I give her the time of the day as I already feel bad for my white middle class family being superior to the waiting room as camp site. I remove the shaking phone from my ear for a reluctant second, as I am sure this device could need a break too, in order to hear what it is she wants to say. The woman reaches out her frail hand from under the loose garment, as Mother Theresa would do it, and touches me on that part between the elbow and the shoulder cap. This area of the arm a parent deals with quite a lot I am sure, especially when dragging a difficult kid around who refuses any form of behavioural obedience. She simply says; stay strong. I nod and accept the kindness and attention of this comment directed at me, and once uttered, I conform to the idea of the universal notion that we all, during difficult times, must stay strong. I once saw this imperative "stay strong" tattoed on a strippers but cheeks. The openness that emerge from empathy sometimes doesn´t fly with strangers, as this memory of the stripper didn't fit as an incident to be shared with this elder woman.

A week more, and we find ourselves in a new hospital. The main nurse this time belongs neither in the sexy Kill Bill category or holy Mother Theresa. She has this idiosyncratic tick, involving her eyes slightly rolling backwards whenever she is saying something that is stuck between a thought and the tongue. Her eyeballs go completely white while this is happening, and as freaky as it may sound, she does return with her eyes directed at either the grim edge of the sofa or the empty kleenex box on the table. She tells us about the 50/50. A number I relate to bidding, and not to the status of a human being. She also tells us about the possible outcomes of my mother´s condition if she survives. The word "vegetable" is mentioned. My sister is asking if my mom would be a "vegetable" if she wakes up from the artificial coma. The nurse correct her, and says vegetative is the right word. Being a long time fan of words and their meanings, the difference between vegetable and vegetative has never been so irrelevant to me. Another doctor arrive with a crew of the "rolling eyes" nurse, a skin headed anaesthesia supervisor and another nurse with a pony tail lowered to the bottom of her neck. The third member of this interchangeable staff strike me as someone who might be dating the doctor secretly. The mood is clay in here- and by that word I mean terribly dark grey and mouldable. Like the material I despise more than over cooked spaghetti. The patriarchal doctor begins to formulate something we have already been told million times, and before he can continue my mind wanders off to his fancy Mercedes(maybe in chromatic silver?) and a swiss villa on the West side of Oslo. He probably has two healthy daughters that both study law and goes skiing on the weekends. I have forgotten the name of this doctor. I imagine him in the shower, longing for a mistress and a new carpet. But before I get to build my bitter and societal judgmental story around him as a figure, he says: "It doesn´t look good." And as I think to myself that there are a lot of things in this world that doesn´t look good, this one better. Denial is not a bad status, I tell you. It´s just impossible to sustain unless you want to make the leap of becoming delusional. Mixed emotions at stake, as I for a second wants him to be my dad and adopt me into his high educated life that must include a jacuzzi and a rottweiler longing for emotional cues that would enable him to be tamed like a golden retriever. I connect that fleeting disruption to me just wanting to get out of a situation that simply can't be escaped. I apologise with my eyes. I look at my sister trembling in her denim jumpsuit and red knitted sweater. She tells me that this outfit was a joke between her and my mom. I give her a hug, and one, that will last longer than expected because anything that would make the interior of this space worthwhile would be of a human interactive kind. She's way older than me, but right now, she is a 6 year old girl sobbing because my mom is late and haven't been able to pick her up on time in those solitary hours at the end of the day in kindergarten. I gel my hands twice with the anti-bacterial liquid and ask to enter the room in which my mom is situated. The sky behind her is pinkish and baby blue, making my moms pale appearance more outstandish. Contrast, in life, can paint a far more interesting picture. I whisper something into her ear that I thought at that point she would hear, but like with most one-way monologues, the wall is your squash field, waiting for a bounce. They have given her 10 litres of water due to severe hydration, so my mother is simply not recognisable where she horizontally has taken up a hospital bed. After holding her hand for a while, another nurse enters in a jolly mood, and I immediately get hopeful as I´m sure one cannot be this smiling if they don´t think she will make it. The nurse tells me that she probably can feel that I´m here and says her name out loud as if a response is expected.  It´s New Years Eve and I´m wearing a mustard coloured dress. As the nurse leaves the room, I point with my finger to my mom´s closed eyelid and slowly lifts it up to get a glimpse of her eye. Like Medusa´s left or right eye in the painting by Caravaggio, it looks stirringly dead.

"We have tried everything, but we will give her one more day, as we need to see how she react without any traces of narcosis in her body." We are back at the cardiac arrest unit. The three rounds of different epileptic medicines are not working, because my mother doesn´t have epilepsy.  The "We have tried everything" doctor´s hair is remarkably long and heavy, bundled in a thick braid.  I want to grab it and pull myself up to the tower with it like the princess in the Rapunzel fairy tale. Maybe the view up there is better than this one. At least up there, a 360 degree angle awaits. Why is it that some womens hair stop to grow at a certain length? As we depart from the last seated waiting room, another family outside is ready to take over. They have worn blankets, bleak fast food and insecure faces, that evidently, we no longer look for.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so hes essentially stopped having sex with me. physical affection is like.. few and far between. and i guess, thanks? i guess? like step up from my oshawa ex for sure - he fucked me until i left. so like, thanks? thanks for not just using me? 

i tried to be more understanding like maybe this is just how he feels right now but these little things managed to add up and with his refusal for sex ... i mean, he’s not “refusing”. i dont really come on to him. the last time we did have sex it was pretty bad. like bad enough both of us admitted it was pretty bad. i thought maybe that had something to do with it.

but he started nitpicking and being rude about it. like leaving my shoes at the door - which he does everyday all day; but it’s not my house and i should be a perfect guest always and if i’m not, it’s disrespectful. he suggested that i gain weight - jokingly mind you, but not really. finally he told me to “put money aside” to pay for myself at meals with friends because it made him uncomfortable. then suggested that “instead of not going at all” i run a tab with him and keep track of everything he buys me. 

i told him no thanks. i dont want a walking credit card. i never wanted that. that doesnt make my life any better at all. its more uncomfortable for me that the guy whos dick i suck makes me pay for all my meals. and i get it - he doesnt need to cover all of them. but holy fuck what kind of relationship is it that you cant even go out because your partner wont pay for your meal? your partner ho makes more money ad has more disposable income than a majority of our peers. 

i just thought it was really careless to make a suggestion like this when i cannot afford to eat out. period. thats not a luxury i can have right now and u know what? THATS OKAY. holy fuck, of all the luxuries i dont need and am not going to die from; it’s that. i kept thinking it was like a keeping up th the joneses kind of thing. like i’m paying to go out to eat food not to eat food but to prove i can afford to go out and eat food to a group of people. i PREFER to live frugually. even hen i have OTHER PEOPLES MONEY i try to save and be frugal for them because i feel disgusted hen a large amount of money is wasted. ive had dozens of opportunities to spend his money hoever i wanted and continually chose the cheapest option. only recently did i start choosing take out options OVER 10$. like i was literally choosing anything under 10$ so i wouldnt be a burden while his meal ould be 20 -25$. 

he tried to be friendly afterwards but i felt like it was a final straw. its never a discussion. its just hurling insults at me and completely disregarding the reason why i have suh little money. my entire being is dedicated to not being brought down by him ad people like him in the interim of hopefully making my life better. like if i cant get through this then i dont even have a hope of it being better and apparantly “this” is being shit on over and over and over again. i just.. i dont care anymore. he was really just annoying me at this point. im tired of being made to feel super poor. like no one else does this to me. i do manage to take care of myself a good portion of the time and most know where my money goes. im tired of having to give myself a pep talk to feel better about myself because hes made me question my value and worth. 

last night i slept crammed against the wall. literally. and hes come to a point he feels this is appropriate because sleeping together is such a hassle for him and it just reminded me of my abusive ex. but then he decided to jack off beside me first thing in the mornig and i was done. like i guess im very hard headed but hey - i get it now. i’m nothing to you. i dont deserve anything. i dont deserve to wake up peacefully, a good morning - nothing. all i deserve is to ake up to some disgusting man jacking off beside me. i got dressed, gathered my stuff and left. i said nothing to anyone, i just left. cuz hat the fuck is the point? i felt like a little “guilty” that this would create anxiety for him but who the fuck even cares? i dot even want to have a conversation with him because i dont have conversations ith him i just listen to him. there is no back and forth, no discovery or discussion. its just me listening to him. so why fucking bother. he knows i wouldnt leave unless i was upset so the “point” is made but i have no point. i’m just done, i think? i think you know youre the most done when words are not useful anymore ad like there is nothing i want to discuss. i dont even ant to tell him what a shitty person hes been. all it leads to is guilt and pity and sticking around because he thinks hes supposed to. i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. but like that never happens. no oe ever wants to be with me. they want to be ith some other perso but i’m good enough. and it sounds very woe is me but this is the truth. ad i am an attractive nice person. i am very caring and loving and loyal. i am a great girlfriend. but no one ever wants to actually be with me. theyve always wanted someone else, someone else is always actually “the one” ad theyve either gotten away or they never got a chance and now they’re just stuck with _me_. my first “love” was already in love ith someone else but it as never going to happen (and hen he thought it as going to it didnt and he still came back to me and that is not even a bonus thats just proving my point). my second, still enamored with his ex he never fully proved cheated on him but he thought she did (but u know maybe she didnt). and all the men in between - they wanted someone else. they predictably ended up with a few of the someone elses. and right now is just repeating this scenario. 

and you know, i come across these dudes and they tell ME they love ME. i would never dare utter such words to these people and give myself like that unless it was very important for me to do. like if i as a year into it and no one said shit and i felt strongly about it, then maybe i would but i dont even offer this to close friends. love is the most serious. 

but they tell me they love me. and all i want is love. i dont even want necessarily to BE LOVED but i would like love to exist in my life in a very pure and geuie ay that ive witnessed with others. its not like i need love and attention from all these people. i dont need love to be validated as a person. i can be without love temporarily and move forward in life. i have less sources of love than many people ad im not actively seekig it from dozens of people. but if someone asks me what do you want? perhaps i want money and security. this ould be high on the list. but i think most of all i want love. i want to experience love. my parents did not love me. or maybe my father did but i dot think he was wholy capable of giving pure love. these are perhaps the people who should be my pillars ad theyre not ad everyoe else got to experience love - not eve sexual love. its not eve sexual. its not romantic. everyone aroud me has bee able to experience pure true love of some form and i feel like i have not. like theres nevere been a single stable source of love for any length of time in my life.

and society is tryig to fill this void with medication and money and everything else but actual love an like i guess its hard not to believe that im undeserving or incapable of feeling love or receiving love. and i think this is like a top 5 survival need. like food, water, shelter, love. maybe this is the intricate part of the human experience and we so easily cover food and water and shelter now for many people but you canot cover love. you cannot package it into a goverment subsidy and yet so may people suffering have lacked love. and this pushes them to drugs and alcohol and they suffer from depression and obesity and they eat themselves to diabetes and they let their feet rot off their legs because no matter how hard they worked, no matter all the good deeds they did; they never fully received their dues in love. they suffered ad struggled alone an family ad frieds and relatioships left them but hey - they made some money. and thank god they didt just “live on welfare”. but its like - if someone did not have food or water or shelter, you ouldnt immediately offer them a job to solve the problem. there is a immediate need that has to be filled before they can help themselves. you have to give them food so they can work. if no one cares, why the fuck should they? like you’re noteve a person you’re just “the homeless” now. and like everythng of your life is referred to as “the homeless” life now. 

im surrounded by people who have been given a lot of love in their life. even though theyve become blinded to their priviledges, theyve been given so much love. they are spoiled. they cant eve see the love thats being given. i argued with a mutual fried about another; she said it was rude to say this fried ould always be there heever she needed it and not show up. i told her isnt it enough to know in your soul this person wants that so badly for you but real life dictates differetly? like the love is there. the intention is there but real life doest allow it. she couldnt see the love. 

and i guess maybe some of these people are so spoiled that they dot understad the importance of something that is like breathing air to them. they probably believe i can get love elsewhere, just like they do. they are rich in love. but its the same thing - if someone tells me they love me, i actually believe they love me. well, i want to believe. 

i also believe this problem is “easily” solved for women by having children. children are a constant source of love and hen they turn out not to be, it’s ground shaking. mothers dont kno how to go on. but i believe, even in solid relationships, that children come from a desire to give and receive love that is not currently in their life. maybe i dont understand a maternal instinct. perhaps maternal instinct is this. maybe its kicked in and im too logical to understand that its not that “easy”. neither are relationships, and at least your kids legally arent allowed to abandon you. but i think this is why, especially with young mothers, theyre inclined (if single) to sort of “lose focus” on their children when a new man enters. suddenly, especially ina “honey moon phase”, theyre receiving a ton of love. more love and attention than their children, of any age, can probably give them. 

i have little expectations with love. i mean, i assume if you “love me” you wont be cruel or malicious. like, you wont try to harm me. thats what i expect. i dont even expect NOT to be harmed. i may be harmed. thats involved in love. you cant feel such strong things for someone and not be harmed somewhere down the line. it could be big or small; someone will eventually feel bad but then it’ll probably be okay again. however someone gives love, i try to receive it as is without shaping it to what i believe is right. love is abstract; you accept it as is but we all want to read into it and find the deeper meaning and stories and little things involved but in the end its just a very abstract concept hich encompasses a wide range of emotions and psychological things. you cant really say, “if you loved me you would do this or this”. its like you are the artist and love is your paint and the world is a canvas. you cant tell picasso how to paint. that only fits your mold. we liked picasso because of how he expressed it, how he painted it - not how you shaped his painting to your liking. 

and like youre allowed to not like someones painting - someones expression of love. and some people, they suck. like they just outright suck ass they need to go back to basics and start over before they unleash anymore of their “artistry”. and some people are offensive. some people create offensive things and this thing might hurt people or make people uncomfortable. most people ask to have their “art” - their “expression of love” taken seriously. however good or bad it is, it’s theirs and this is how they see it. but its like, i dont have to buy a jackson pollock and hang it on my wall because i respect his expression. i dont have to have sex with a woman because i respect homosexuality. so you can accept, respect and walk away from someones expression. it doesnt have to be for you. you can even have the freedom to speak about your feelings of this expression for yourself but you cant dictate how someone else should feel. 

i guess my situation is many of these men bought a picasso - or tried to, and for whatever reason, it’s not aroud anymore so they’ll accept a pollock in its place because i mean, he’s still “pretty good”. 

but you know - at the same time, it’s okay. this isnt a unique situation. this is very much part of the human experience. everyone at some point will feel this way to some degree. i just happen to feel it really strongly right now because of my circumstances in life. its like taking shrooms and one perso is cool ad another trips badly; theyre just not in the right place in the right way to experience this thing of life.  thats me right now. i wasnt prepared for this trip ad its pretty never ending. its like a really long road trip in fear ad loathing but its like 10 years of sitting ith johny depp and youve foud out he beats his ife and is a severe alcoholic and its just... overwhelming. 

so i dont know. i need to really accept and take this knowledge seriously. im proud that i just left because ive stayed too many times. i thought about it an had my guilt and ould stay for my shitty ride home and get my “daily kiss” and its just like.. i no longer hate myself this much. i can do better than this scenario. its not even a personal insult to him - his personality is cool. as a human, great. but the scenario we have created - WE, okay. not him. this is a joint effort where i allowed someone to treat me like this with full knowledge that it was bullshit. no one held me hostage and it wast like i just became a personal slave to him. but its like, i even explained it with drugs. once you allow yourself to normalize gross things, its not hard to become a junkie. like if you decide smoking crack or injecting drugs is the worst shit but suddenly you’ll smoke meth and you’ll inject a “safe” drug like k but “not heroin”. this is the “gateway effect”. so we normalized this really shitty behavior ad made it easy for him to fall into habits of doing things others would (and have) walked away from. 

you know, i hate that he makes future plans and none of them involve me. ever. but he tells me he loves me. and its like, i dont even have anxiety about whether or not ill see him today. i kind of hope i dont. i think itll be easy to assume im upset he “wont buy me food anymore”. but i really just.. we are on two different planets. equally confused by each others wants and needs. i dont eve want a conversation because if someone doesnt have the desire to be affectionate with me why bother asking. 

[freshstartbetterfuture]

Remember when I mentioned the fact that I would go insane from how much I put on my plate this semester?

Well as I was sobbing in the McDonalds drive-thru, I realized it was official. I had gone insane. 

This is a good story though so let’s start from the beginning. Full disclosure: It’s a long story.

To provide some background context, I work for a construction company as a project engineer. I recently was promoted to this position at the beginning of summer and it was the greatest moment of my life because you typically need a degree to take on this position but my company saw something in me and decided to promote me a whole year before I graduated. It’s an extremely big honor especially considering that I 100% was not qualified for this job whatsoever. I was put onto my own project building a new gym for a charter school. I was outrageously excited and I couldn’t wait to start. I worked alongside a Project Manager and a Superintendent and we were a team. We worked great together and we had so much fun. The project itself turned into a complete shit show. The architect was absolutely horrible and everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. It was a nightmare for so long but my team and I pushed through and kept up with it. I was inexperienced so I definitely could have brought more to the table but I worked my ass off 50 hours a week for this project because I knew that this opportunity was huge for me and I had to prove myself. 

Fast forward 4 months. I have registered for 6 classes this fall (18 units), and I am moving back up to school so I have to start working remotely. My plan is simple, work here at school M-Th from 8-1, go to class from 2-8, and on Fridays, I drive to my jobsite and work from 9-6 and then drive back to school. I had it all set. Now most people told me I was insane for having that schedule. When will I study? When will I sleep? When will I eat? When will I have a life? 

I don’t listen to them because hey, I’m a fucking superhero and the haters fuel me okay. 

The first week of classes begin and as I sit in class, already exhausted from working all morning, I realize that this is a bit harder than I thought. Especially considering the fact that my professors don’t post powerpoints, refuse to give make-ups exams (especially if your grandma dies because apparently they hate that. I guess it’s good timing that my grandma died last year), they record attendance, have assignments due every class, OH and did I mention that one professor bragged about how many students he made cry from his last exams? Who said senior year would be a breeze?

Back to the story.

So I make it to thursday and here I am thinking, oh my god I’m almost through the week I got this. I’m dead thursday morning at work. Like I don’t even know what is happening. I start to get these complaints from my team about some of the work I’m doing and I’m just like uhhh wtf? Ya’ll never complain like what is happening. So that of course makes me hella stressed/embarrassed/kill myself vibes. I finally get off work and go home to take a 20 min nap before I have to leave for class because like there is no way I’ll make it until 8. So i go home, fall asleep and........ I SLEEP FOR 6 HOURS. Who even does that?!? I woke up and my alarm had been going off for the whole 6 hours and It didn’t even wake me up. So I slept through my classes and immediately I’m freaking out. I missed notes that I will never get back. I was marked missing class on the first week of school, like this is horrible and I feel like I’m gonna die. So I do my best not to completely flip my shit and decide to just study hella all night to make myself feel a little bit productive.

Fast forward to the next day. I was up until 2am studying and end up oversleeping and waking up at 9 when I was supossed to be at the jobsite at 9 and it takes an hour and a half to get there. So I rush to get ready and leave. I’m rushing to work and just my luck. I fucking get pulled over. Thank Jesus that the lady cop was hella nice and only wrote me up for going 75 when I was for sures going like 90/95. Regardless, thats hella money that I gotta pay now so obviously that puts me in a hella shitty mood. I get back on the road and get chewed out by my superintendent for being late which has NEVER happened before. Like him and I both have never cared when each other got there and have been super laxed about it so when he yelled at me I got so furious and yelled back about getting a stupid ticket and that I’d be there soon which basically shut him up. So that was fun. I drive to the site and get there at 10:30. I tell my super that if theres anything major he needs from me that It has to be done now while I’m here since I have an appt to take my car in at 12 and I’ll be back after. Of course I get shit for that even though I had been telling him about this appointment for like weeks. So I wait for an hour and he hasn’t had me do anything for him so I work on my own shit and then leave. I drive to best buy to turn over my car and I get there and they tell me that all of the stuff that I bought for them to install in my car wasn’t there anymore and they couldn’t find it. So I have to wait 45 min for them to not find it only to tell me, you know what, just leave and we’ll figure something out. Meanwhile my superintendent is calling every 5 min asking what is taking so long. So I’m annoyed and angry and stressed even more. Are you catching on to the theme? 

So my mom picks me up from best buy and takes me through the McDonalds drive thru before taking me back to the site. We get into the line and obviously being in the presence of my mom, I start to feel my walls come down. Then on top of it, I’m texting the guy I’m dating he says literally the sweetest stuff in the world and all of a sudden, I’m weak and I full on fall apart while my mom is asking me what I want to order.

Just imagine mid sob “Spicy McChicken Meal with a Dr Pepper”

My mom had no clue what was going on so after we get our food she pulls into a parking spot and tells me to divulge on why I just completely freaked out the McDonalds employee.

As I tell her everything from this week and this morning she begins to shake her head saying that she knew this was too much for me and how she thinks I need to step away from the project for the rest of the year.

Obviously my initial reaction is hell no. I worked so hard to get here and I’m not going to give up this opportunity just because of classes. But as she continues to explain why this is the right move, I realize that she’s probably right. I’m absolutely terrified and so unsure of what I do so I decided to meet with the project manager and discuss it with him. Oh also, the project manager is my dad. I guess thats important.

So I tell my dad everything and he 100% agrees with my mom and thinks I need to step away. The project is extremely tense right now and they need a full time devoted project engineer and I just can’t offer that anymore. He understands and thinks that it’s the best idea. We discuss all of the logistics and attempt to figure it out right as our boss (the head of our office) walks in. I’m absolutely terrified to tell him because he really put his faith in me and I felt like I was letting him down. He was 1000% so supportive I could cry and he completely understood and told me that I was making a really mature decision and putting my school first and doing what was best for the project as well. He seriously is the best.

SO. Now I only work on Fridays and over holiday breaks. The project will find a new engineer and all is well! Except that I’ll have no money but oh wells.

Anyways, thats the end of my story. I have no money and a lot more time for sleep and school so fingers crossed I make it through the semester without either becoming homeless or starving to death.