#LIKE I MAKE THINGS SO DIFFICULT FOR MYSELF THAT IT STRESSES ME OUT A TON AND IM TIRED. really tired

[pizzapizzadickz]

Tired, in pain, can't sleep at all. This sucks.

[ghosthart]

it’s my first time going on a trip completely by myself like i’ve flown alone a lot but i always met someone after getting off the plane i’ve never had to fly by myself AND figure out logistics myself and get around a big city alone like i’ve never been in an uber at all let alone by myself so i’m like so nervous fr 😖

[wingsofachampion]

OOC

I'm going to preface this by saying that I'm not mad at anyone. I love the Pokemon IRL community, and I'm so so happy to be a part of it. And I don't plan on leaving for good anytime soon.

But. Look.

This is getting out of hand.

I've been here since November of 2022, and I haven't seen things being this bad in the community since The Incident.

I'm trying as hard as I can to hold things together, even when it seems like everything's falling apart. But it's getting really exhausting.

So that's why I'm making this post.

There's a lot of problems happening in this community, and I'm going to try to address at least a few of them in this post.

So, here we go.

Part 1: Anon Hate & Other Harassment

There's unfortunately a lot of this in the community. I've been a victim of it myself.

Anon hate is a serious problem that has led several pokebloggers to completely disable anon asks or even leave the community entirely.

I'm not sure how to combat this, unfortunately, other than blocking them as they come, but that's an imperfect solution.

There's also been direct harassment, too, not just through anon asks. I'm unsure how to tackle that either, but I'm spreading awareness just in case.

Part 2: Lack of Engagement

There's a ton of blogs that get little to no engagement, and not for a lack of trying. Pixelated made a great post on this already, so I won't rehash it much.

My main advice is to send asks. That goes both ways. If you see someone struggling to get engagement, send them an ask, brighten their day!

And if you're struggling to get engagement, send asks to as many blogs as you feel comfortable. That way, you put your name out there.

I know it can be scary to send asks, but if it helps, you can send one to me! I won't bite!

Part 3: "Cliques"

There's a lot of subcommunities in the Pokemon IRL community. Eebydeebies, Fallers, Blueberry Academy, and so on. And that's great! What's not so great, though, is how some of these can be rather cliquey.

Sometimes, it's hard to join a subcommunity. Sometimes they push you away, are just difficult to fit in a new blog, or something else.

I've been trying to remedy this in the eebydeeby subcommunity by having Gen send asks to every new eeby blog I can find, but I'm not in every subcommunity, so I can't do this for all of them.

What I suggest to remedy this is, those in subcommunities, reach out! If you see someone trying to join, reach out and welcome them in! Send them asks! Tell other people in the subcommunity about them! Let them know that they're welcome there.

Part 4: Lack of Warnings During MMM

This one is something that mostly just affects me personally, but Muse Mixup Madness has been extremely stressful for me because people keep completely changing up their blogs with little to no warning.

One of my worst triggers is post-apocalypse, and I've been jumpscared by this several times during Muse Mixup Madness by blogs that were previously safe.

Please warn what your Muse Mixup Madness stuff will contain, and please use content warnings, too.

Part 5: New Blogs Dying

This is one of the ones I'm saddest about. Almost every day, there's at least one new person trying to join Pokemon IRL, but 75% of the time their blog dies within a week.

I recommend supporting newcomers as much as you can. If you see a newcomer, send them an ask! Interact with them! Boost them if you feel comfortable with it! Don't let them feel so discouraged that they leave so soon.

I recommend checking the reblogs on realpokemon's pinned post every so often. It's a fantastic way to find new blogs.

Part 6: Exhaustion & A Call for Help

I've been trying very very hard to fix things, but I'm only human (as much as I wish I was a Meganium). I can't do everything by myself.

So I'm asking for help.

I have two blogs primarily made for boosting. @pkmnirlblogboosting and @tacklrnews. Former is OOC, while the latter is IC.

Pkmnirlblogboosting is for boosting blogs that either have less than 75 followers, or are less than a month old. If anyone wants to help me run it and boost blogs, feel free to send me a message asking if you can be added to pkmnirlblogboosting.

Tacklrnews is for reporting on events that are happening in-character. Its primary purpose is to boost stuff happening on people's blogs that they want more people to see and interact with. If anyone wants to help me with this, feel free to send me a message asking if you can be added to tacklrnews.

A caveat with tacklrnews: It's fully in-character, so you'll need to create a character for it to be a part of Pelipper's little news agency. It also writes articles on Pokemon RPC and Pokeask blogs, so to people in those communities, this offer is open to you all, too.

I hope these will both be helpful in revitalizing the Pokemon IRL community.

Part 7: Moving Forward

So, how do we move forward?

I think we should be more supportive towards others in this community. Less OOC anon hate and harassment, more engagement and boosting. Tell your fellow blogrunners how much you appreciate their blogs! Let them know they have people who care about them.

I love this community so, so much. I don't want it to fall apart and die. I'm doing everything in my power to keep it standing, but I'm just one person. I need your help, too.

Together, we can make this community better.

That's about all I had to say.

If you've read this far, thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to read through this.

I'd appreciate any reblogs to spread this around, but don't feel pressured to if you don't want to.

I hope you all have a wonderful Pride Month.

-Bench

[everyonewooeverywhere]

MDNI 18+ BLOG -> ageless blogs and minors WILL BE BLOCKED

pairing ✭ bf!jongho x f!reader

synopsis ✭ when you come home from a less-than-perfect day, your boyfriend is nowhere to be found, but you don't want to call him and ask him to come home while he's out with friends. even though he'd drop everything if he knew you were struggling.

content/genre ✭ smut 18+ MDNI, established relationship, non-idol!au, hurt to comfort, slightly angsty, relatively fluffy (certainly the fluffiest thing i've ever written here)

word count ✭ 2.5k

note ✭ so this was something i really needed to write for myself, i think. for those who don't know (which is all of you lol) i have adhd. where i see it the most in my own life is chronic procrastination. it's something i've had to learn to cope with a lot throughout my life. a lot of times, when i feel the need to avoid feeling the stress of my personal life, i'll scroll on instagram or tumblr forever. which then leads to a heaping ton of guilt in the following hours as i try to make up for lost time. it's a wonderful cycle.

anyway, this is to say, that coping alone can be incredibly difficult. don't get me wrong, i have a handful of wonderful friends (who go to school across the country) and an angel of a therapist, but i often romanticize having someone there to help drag me out of those hopeless cycles. and not because i think i need someone to do it for me, but having that person is a really comforting thought. and, today, that is jongho i guess 😀

that being said, this mc doesn't necessarily have adhd, but they are certainly experiencing something that i experience very frequently as a byproduct of it.

like, is this smut? yeah, but im allowed to be emotional 😗

warnings ✭ mc is stressed af, protected sex, really soft sex (they're in love 😤)

✭✭✭✭

It was a terrible day. One of the worst you’d had in a while. Nothing seemed to be going your way. You’d ripped your favorite pair of tights this morning when getting ready in a hurry after waking up super late. You’d locked yourself out of the apartment. The seven dollar coffee you’d bought for yourself to cope with aforementioned events had spilt all over your desk, ruining the book you had just received as a gift from a coworker. And, to top it all off, your boss had demanded you to stay late to finish what was supposed to be his job.

So when you finally made it back to your apartment, after waiting in the lobby forever waiting for your landlord to let you in, you wanted nothing more than to collapse on the couch with your boyfriend and fall asleep in his arms. 

You were plagued with fatigue as you slipped out of your work shoes and made your way through the kitchen and into the living room, not finding him anywhere. The bedroom the two of you shared was also completely vacant. Nothing had changed since you’d left this morning. He hadn’t been home all day.

Maybe he’s just working late, you thought, slightly defeated knowing you’d have to wait for him, not knowing how long it would take. 

Trying to take your mind off of it, you scrolled on your phone for a completely indiscernible amount of time, feeling completely defeated with the day you’d had. Moving in with Jongho months ago has been an incredibly helpful step for you. Before the two of you had lived together, you were a master of procrastinating your own feelings. Constantly letting yourself rot away in your bed and letting the day pass you by. Only to be plagued by that crushing guilt that came with letting a day go by unproductively. Living with Jongho had given you someone to hold you accountable. To pull you out of bed because sometimes it was impossible to do it on your own.

But on nights like these, where your boyfriend was nowhere to be found, which was not a common occurrence, you felt yourself slipping back into the endless cycle of losing yourself in your phone for countless hours. 

Hours passed and the sun was almost completely down before you received a text from your boyfriend.

| jongho 🐻🤎: hey love, sorry i had to stay late for work today. i’m gonna go get some drinks with my coworkers.

| jongho 🐻🤎: that ok?

God, you felt so helpless. How horrible and controlling of a partner would you be to tell him ‘no?’ Did he ask? Yes, but you desperately didn’t want to be the girl who always needed to be by her boyfriend’s side. Telling him he couldn’t go out with his friends would make you feel like such a nuisance. You stared at the screen for a good two minutes, biting your thumb, trying to think of how to respond.

| jongho 🐻🤎: y/n? 

| jongho 🐻🤎: i can see you read the message. is everything alright?

Before you could even draft a response, his name flashed across the screen. Taking a deep breath, you slid your thumb across the screen, answering the call.

“Hi,” you picked up.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” You could hear some of his coworkers in the background. He must already be at the bar. 

You held in a sigh, “Nothing, I’m alright. Why?”

“Y/n, you read and didn’t respond to my message. Like you were overthinking a response."

You didn’t say anything. Overthinking yet another response.

“Love, I don’t even want to be here that badly. If you need me to come home, I will. But you’ve gotta tell me.” He was being so patient with you. So much more patient than you thought you deserved, though he would certainly disagree with that.

You took a deep breath, nearing tears, “I–” this was so incredibly hard, “Can you please come home? I didn’t really have a great day.”

“Of course, I’ll be there in about thirty minutes. Do you want me to stay on the phone?”

“No, it’s alright. I just need to see you.”

“Ok, just hang in there alright. Why don’t you hop in the shower, and we can watch a movie when I get back. I’ll pick up some takeout on my way, too.”

When you hang up, you force yourself to get out of bed and get in the shower. It’s so rewarding and feels so relaxing that you can’t imagine why you ever couldn’t get out of the bed in the first place. But, of course, you say that every time. 

✭✭✭✭

By the time you had gotten out of the shower and dried your hair, Jongho had made it home with the takeout he’d promised in hand. 

When you left your bedroom, you saw him sitting on the floor in your living room. He’d lit a candle on the coffee table and set the food down with it. You could tell he’d changed out of his work clothes into a hoodie and basketball shorts, mirroring your almost identical outfit. He didn’t notice you at first. He was chatting to someone on the phone, seemingly a friendly conversation, and not one you wanted to interrupt. When he saw you, though, you heard him say goodbye to whoever was on the line. 

Throwing his phone down on the couch, he got up from the floor and met you at the door of your bedroom. Pulling you into a big hug, he placed a kiss on the top of your head. 

“No pressure, but, if you wanna talk about your day, we can.”

You shook your head, “Not really. I just wanna eat, I think.”

The two of you ate, sitting in comfortable silence on the floor in your living room. You noticed as you took in the scene around you, that Jongho had turned off all the overhead lights in the room. Leaving only the candlelight and the string lights around the ceiling to illuminate the room. There was something about warm lighting that made everything feel so much more cozy and comfortable. 

Your boyfriend wasn’t the most physically affectionate individual, but he never failed to make you feel loved. He always noticed the small things. He was hyper aware of your emotions in the least patronizing way possible. It was little moments like bringing home food for you and turning the cool-toned overhead lights off that reminded you that this man knew you better than anyone.

And that wasn’t something that happened overnight. He tried harder than anyone you’d ever met to know you. Your likes, dislikes, discomforts, phobias, and even your little habits. He knew it all. What he knew most is that you desired so bad to have someone to pull you out of your slump. Which is why he had come home early.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t stay out with your friends,” you whispered, staying focused on the food in front of you.

“I didn’t come home because I felt any obligation to. It’s not that I couldn’t stay out with my friends. It’s that you needed me here at home, and I wanted to come home and comfort you.” He ran a hand over your hair as he finished up his own food. 

That was another thing you loved about him. He wasn’t saying this because he wanted to make you feel better. He wanted you to know that you were not alone. That you were free to feel your feelings, and he’d always be right beside you to comfort you through them.

“Thank you,” you looked up at him, “I love you, you know that, right?”

“How could I ever forget? I love you, too, y/n.”

✭✭✭✭

After the food was gone and the coffee table was cleared, Jongho had put on a movie laid down on the couch, holding out his arms for you. When you finally sat between his legs and leaned into his chest, he pulled a quilted blanket over the two of you, wrapping his arms around you.

You paid very little mind to the movie playing on the TV. Instead you were focused on the rhythm of his breathing, the steady beating of his heart, and the minor movements his chest would make when he let out a soft laugh whatever he was watching.

He played with your hair, running his fingers through the strands, softly brushing his fingers over your neck with each pass. This position couldn’t have been more comfortable. Being with the man you loved as he comforted you in the way he knew best with absolutely no complaint was more than you could’ve ever dreamed of.

Jongho would claim that it was the bare minimum, but you always felt the need to let him know how much he really amazed you. 

When you reached your hand up to his cheek to brush your thumb over the skin, he looked down at you, completely forgetting about the movie playing. He grabbed your hand from his cheek and kissed your fingers, your palm, the back of your hand, the inside of your wrist.

Pulling yourself up to his face, you kissed him as softly as he’d done to your hand. Everything was so soft. From the way he kissed you to the way he caressed the skin under your hoodie right above the waistband of your shorts. From the hand you had in his hair to the way he lifted you to sit more comfortably in his lap.

He kissed your neck just as softly. You sighed contently. Fully basking in the way he took care of you. His movie was fully disregarded at this point as he gripped the bottom of your shirt.

Looking into your eyes he asked, “can I take care of you, love?” You nodded, helping him lift the sweatshirt over your head. 

Before you could even comprehend the nakedness of your chest, he lifted you into his arms and carried you to your shared bed. Laying you on your back. Your bare skin taking immense comfort in the softness of your sheet. He pulled his shirt over his head and threw his pants off to the side.

He immediately went back to kissing you. Hands moving from your cheeks, down your neck. His thumbs caressed your collarbone as his lips brushed the crook of your neck and then your shoulder. You shuddered when one of his hands took your breast. His lips met the other one, causing you to let out a breathy moan and weave your fingers through his dark hair.

He continued to kiss and touch every inch of your torso. When he got to your waistband, he left a small kiss under your belly button. His big brown eyes meeting your own as he pulled your shorts and underwear off together. Tossing them to the side of the bed. 

Lifting one of your legs onto his shoulder, he kissed your inner thigh, still meeting your eyes. The eye contact wasn’t broken until his thumb met your clit. Brushing over it slightly, making you toss your head back into the pillows under you. His mouth replaced his thumb, slowly teasing you. 

With his free hand, he took your own hand, the one that wasn’t gripping his hair, and threaded his fingers through yours. Thumb brushing over the back of your hand.

He felt so good. His tongue working so hard to make you feel pleasure. Everything was so gentle, but felt so euphoric. His fingers pumping in and out of you as he sucked on your clit. You felt like you could’ve floated away with the way he caressed your hand and your thigh. It wasn’t long before you were washed with a wave of pleasure. Everything was hot. You felt it rush through you from your ears down to your cunt. He kissed your thigh one more time after you came, fingers pushing you through the finale of your orgasm. 

Your breathing was ragged when he made it back up to your face, kissing you tenderly. Reaching a hand beneath the pillow under your head. He pulled out a condom. Before he could open it, you plucked it out of his hands, tearing it open as he stripped himself of his own underwear before you rolled the rubber onto his length. He groaned at the touch.

“You ready?” He asked, grabbing your arm and kissing your wrist.

You nodded, smiling, “yes. please, baby.”

When he pushed into you, you gasped and threw your head back again. He kissed your neck and shoulder, slowly thrusting into you. On most occasions, you’d beg him to go faster, but his subdued nature in this moment was so incredibly comforting. His thumb massaged your clit.

He kissed you deeply as he thrust into you. Completely overtaking your lips with his own. His kisses were so full of passion that your head spun. His adoration for you was so evident from the way he looked into your eyes when he stopped kissing you. Your foreheads pressed together, separated only by a thin layer of sweat. 

“I love you so much, y/n,” he says, just above a whisper. So close that you can feel his breath tickle your lips when he says it.

You moan softly, feeling yourself reach a second high, “I love you, too.”

It’s only a matter of minutes before you reach your orgasm. You grip his shoulders tight as he coaxes you through your climax. Walls fluttering around him as he finishes inside the condom. 

He kisses your lips once more before pulling out. He pushes himself off the bed to throw it away. When he comes back, he slides back into bed with you. Breath still slightly ragged. 

You laid on his chest, listening to his heart beat once more.

Running a hand over his stomach, you said, “Thanks for coming home early today.”

“Of course, love. You know I’d drop anything to come home to you if you were struggling.”

“I just feel like such a nuisance asking for you to come home,” you groaned.

He ran a hand over your hair, “I will never ever see you asking for help as a nuisance. Sometimes you just need a little push. Or sometimes you just need to lay in someone’s arms. I will always be there to do that for you. No matter the circumstance, ok?”

You wanted to protest, tell him he was too much, too good to you, but he kept going, “I trust you. I know that when you ask me to come home, it’s not because you're insecure or controlling. It’s because you need help, and I want you to always feel comfortable asking for it.”

He’d left you just a little bit speechless. All you could respond with was a gentle kiss on his lips.

For him, though, that was more than enough.

✭✭✭✭

note ✭ ok this shit got really personal 💀 but i did really enjoy writing it. it's not often that i write a whole oneshot in one sitting but i did today (other than my minor break to eat dinner).

also, i was actually between writing this for vernon or jongho because i felt like they both kinda fit the vibe (sorry if the knowledge that this could have been a hansol fic makes anyone sad), but maybe i'll write something similar for him next time i'm feeling it

again, i hope you enjoyed this! thank you so much for reading 💗

mwah~

[batbirdies]

ADHD and being your own zookeeper

So, I was diagnosed with mixed ADHD in my late 20′s. It’s been a couple years since then and I was recently lamenting to a close friend about the difficult process of working out alternative methods of doing things once you’ve (finally) realized the standard ways don’t work.

With that in mind I thought I would just volunteer some advice I have gathered over the last couple years of attempting to be my own zookeeper.

This will mainly be with an ADHD focus since that’s me but hopefully it will be helpful to lots of ND people.

to start, you’ve probably heard of inviting people over to force yourself to clean. This is.... a method. And it works! until it doesn’t (ie burnout). Basically this is a way to trigger a stress response in yourself that forces motivation. You can do this. I have done this. But I would say this is an absolute last resort and not something you should ever be doing on a regular basis. It is not the healthy way to go about this. So here are my tips on hopefully maintaining your life without needing to resort to this stressful method.

(also I know this is long ADHD peeps, I’m sorry I’m just longwinded it can’t be helped.)

So, to get started

1. Time yourself. 

Sometimes a whole task is overwhelming to think about and starting it feels impossible because the idea of finishing it feels impossible. So what I often do instead is just choose a specificed amount of time (a SHORT amount). I usually do 15 minutes, but you can do whatever you choose, and tell myself I will spend that amount of time on a task (usually cleaning but can be anything). This feels much more managable to me, it’s a definite length of time and I know I am capable of 15 minutes (or whatever amount of time you can manage) of sustained activity. 

also DO NOT keep going after the time is up. Stop. Because if you keep going your brain will then remember this and know that 15 minutes isn’t actually just 15 minutes and then you’re back to the initial problem of being overwhelmed. Pick a time and stick to that time. 

2. Do things the easy way.

When I say this what I mean is “do things the way that sounds easiest to YOU”. Sometimes that is actually, objectively, the harder way to do something. It’s less efficient, takes longer etc, but it feels more doable for whatever reason. Just do it the way you are capable of doing it. 

As an example I needed to clean the litter box really bad but I just kept putting off and then feeling guilty and also gross and instead of just cleaning it I dumped the whole thing and started fresh because it felt like less work. Alternatively on other days I have been planning to dump the whole thing and start fresh but THAT sounds like heavy lifting and being outside but I can manage to just scoop the box like normal. So I do that instead. 

3. Do things part way

This is more something to learn to be ok with rather than a method in and of itself. But along with the first suggestion, 15 minutes sometimes isn’t long enough to complete a task. And sometimes you don’t have another 15 minutes later in the day to finish it etc. But doing part of a task is SO MUCH better than doing none of it. I have started using the mantra “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing what you can.” 

4. Make a list

This is a suggestion I see on tons of (bad, unhelpful) articles online about ADHD and accomplishing tasks. I find that it can be sometimes helpful and sometimes not, depending on what it is I need to get done. For my actual office job, it can be really helpful because I sometimes get frozen because there’s too many things to do and I can’t seem to just pick a place to start. Making a list in this case helps me to just start moving in a specific direction and keep going. This can also be the case with cleaning if you just don’t know where to begin. But do not feel like you have to do this either, because sometimes a list just feels like pressure to accomplish things and that’s not helpful at all.

An alternativey way I have found to make lists in relation to #1 is to make a list of things I will spend X amount of time doing, because as someone whose brain flits between tasks rapidly when I’m not in hyperfocus mode it’s sometimes easier to keep swapping back and forth, however if you do it TOO quickly you don’t accomplish anything. So I try to time things. Ten minutes here, ten minutes there, etc. or whatever amount of time you choose. 

5. Do things the minute they occur to you if at all possible

I’m sure I don’t even need to say this and people will know immediately why, but just literally. You won’t remember. Do not tell yourself you’ll do it later when it’s more convenient you are GOING To forget until you are laying in bed trying to sleep and then go “oh shit I didn’t do the thing”. And for the record it is totally ok to get up and out of bed and go do the thing if it feels managable and won’t keep you up all night. If it will, put an alarm in your phone to remind you the next day at a convenient time. 

6. Get a body double

This is something I’ve always sort of known about but didn’t understand until recently, and it’s actually a thing you can even look up articles about it now. Basically for some unknown reason it will feel easier to stay on task if there is another person with you. I have invited my sister over to hang out with me while I clean my apartment before. The difficult aspect of having someone in person, especially if its for cleaning, is that you have to be ok with them seeing the dirty version. However I have also found this can work almost equally as well over the phone! So totally get on the phone with a friend while you task!

I do advise that you tell whoever you are asking for help this way that that’s what you’re doing. at least for me, depending on the task, if can take up enough attention that it’s hard to maintain conversation. But if they person knows that they can either carry the convo or be chill with silence while they also continue their things on the other end. 

7. use a crock pot

This is obviously cooking specific, but I recently bought myself a slow cooker and it’s been a game changer for making myself cook. For whatever reason it is so much easier to make myself get meals going midday than it is in the evenings. And I’m also much more likely to clean up the mess when I can do it before the food is ready. There are ALSO CROCKPOT BAGS YOU CAN BUY!! SO YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO WASH THE CROCKPOT BETWEEN USES, JUST THE LID! But if the bag leaks or something you can wash the pot part in the disahwasher (and the lid)

8. buy frozen meals

tbh frozen meals are way too small they do not equal an actual meal in my mind, however when you are full on into hyperfocused mode and the idea of stopping to eat is laughable, these will be your rescue. Pop it in the microwave and go back to your thing, eat it while you continue your thing. It’s at least a more healthy and well rounded snack than potato chips, or alternatively, not eating.

9. Make your next appointment before you leave

If you’re anything like me, sometimes making that phone call and scheduling something is like some incomprehensibly unmanagable task even though it will literally take 1 minute. (But then if you have phone anxiety then that complication is thrown in.)

So when possible, after a dentist or doctor appt, make your next one before you leave. Most dentists want you on a 6 month rotation, doctors on a yearly one (chiro monthly etc). I know that is like a crazy long time away to think about having something on your schedule but they’ll call you a day or two before the appt to remind you and if you MUST you can reschedule, but that will at least force you into making the phone call if you end up being unable to keep the appt. (however be aware of cancellation fees etc. this is ALWAYS a good idea because of such things) 

Also ask if you can schedule online, a lot of places have that ability now!!

10. Try new methods and be flexible

As I’m sure is the case for a lot of peope with ADHD, things that work really well one day will not be an ounce of help the next. This can be particularly frustrating because you will think you have found the holy grail method. FINALLY, SOMETHING THAT WORKS!!! I WILL BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THE THINGS I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH MY WHOLE LIF-- WTF this doesn’t help anymore. 

I have found that when something is a NEW strategy, it helps a lot! and then after a week or two it loses effectiveness. This is fine though, because if you have enough methods you can cycle through them and they are like new again!! It’s like hiding a toy from your cat after it gets bored and then giving it to them again in a month and oh wow! new toy!!

This is where I’m at currently and all of the helpful things I could come up with. I may add things as they occur to me<3

[a-secret-inner-life]

I came across a lot of stuff that I could relate to about autism while researching for a paper, which led me to do more research on autism in general. I saw some other people doing this type of post on here, so: autistic people, can you please read my super long and detailed list of possible symptoms I experience and tell me if it seems like I'm one of you? I'm trying to be objective and reasonable and figure out what's going on with myself here.

Sensory Stuff

I like to stim–bouncing my legs, tapping my feet when I sit, occasionally swinging my legs or rocking. I also clench my fists or sit on my hands a lot and tap my fingers on things, or just fiddle with whatever is in front of me. Recently, I count while touching my thumb to each of my fingertips to calm down because someone in a book I read did that and it actually does help me. I also sing the alphabet song repeatedly when I'm working on my website.

Sometimes when I'm very tired or overwhelmed my face feels itchy and I feel like every strand of hair touching me prickles and itches and leaves a red spot (but it doesn't actually).

I have a strong hatred for perfume because it smells too strong and fakey, and citrus scents also drive me nuts, but I really like scented candles.

I'm a super picky eater, although I'm not as bad as when I was a kid. I don't mind the taste of tomatoes, peppers, or onions in things, but I'm still a little grossed out when I know I'm eating them, and the texture of onions freaks me right out, as an example.

I get startled easily. Loud noises don't actually scare me, they just jolt me out of whatever thought space I was in before I heard them.

I also get overwhelmed whenever someone tries to talk to me in a loud car (whether it's loud with other people or just the engine), and I find it overwhelming and incredibly difficult to concentrate when more than one person is talking at once. Whenever I'm in a crowd, it just sounds like this vague roar that gets louder the more I think about it, which can sometimes be overwhelming. Still, I'm good at tuning some things out in select circumstances, like the TV when it's on.

Finally, if I pay attention at pretty much any time when there isn't a ton of other noise, I can hear ringing in my ears. This isn't usually upsetting, and I know it's fairly common for anyone to get tinnitus from time to time, but I'm not sure if most people experience it this much.

Social Stuff

I can not handle eye contact.

I'm also really, really, comically bad at social interactions. I almost never speak to someone I don't know well before they speak to me, and my go-to conversation method is to laugh/giggle and nod, I literally can not make actual conversation to save my life. Sometimes I think of things to say but it doesn't occur to me to say them, or I try to but I'm scared and can't find an opening, or I do say the thing and people don't react the way I want them to (usually it's either confusion or disinterest).

Old ladies are my favorite people because they're the least scary somehow. I also love kids, but I'm still awkward so I rarely interact and probably still freak them out.

I'm horrible at keeping contact and I wait until I know people are offline to reply to their messages because conversation is stressful and I need time to think when I text. Group chats are a nightmare, so I pretty much ghost everyone when I'm in one.

I'm super attached to my family, though. I make an effort to create a deep bond with each of my siblings, and I'm the clingiest person in the world when it comes to my older sister.

I value people very deeply, which might be why I find them so intimidating. I love them and I want them to be happy, and I put too much pressure on the situation.

I used to hate being alone, and I still feel guilty or sad whenever I spend too much time by myself, although I actually love to be by myself, a lot of my hobbies and favorite places are solitary, and I usually prefer figuring things out on my own rather than having somebody right there trying to figure it out with me.

I'm incredibly empathetic. It's not like I can automatically sense people's emotions, but I do make an effort to pay attention and understand what they're feeling and why they feel that way. My siblings come and rant to me a lot, and I can be a good diplomat and see both points of view when they argue. I also care, and I always want to make people feel better, though it obviously doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm too empathetic, or maybe too creative, and I stress out about what someone might be feeling when I don't know if it's an actual issue or not.

Patterns and Stuff

I've always been good at remembering my parents’ phone numbers and our zip code, as well as my friends’ birthdays. I work at a grocery store where I find myself reciting the regular customers’ lottery numbers in my head as they're saying them to me.

My dad used to have a verbal checklist of what to bring to work each morning, and I still recite it every time I hear the words “wallet” and “keys” next to each other. Same goes for my old morning checklist that I don't even follow anymore.

I don't adhere to a strict routine in terms of the general structure of my day, but I definitely have a system or pattern for a lot of my specific activities.

Emotional Stuff

I've been obsessed with drawing and painting for as long as I can remember. I write all the time. I think I dedicated myself and a huge chunk of my life to my hobbies. If I like something, I like to think that I make it my own, and that thing permeates who I am.

When I first started listening to BTS, I scoured literally the entire Internet to find every possible hidden track any of the members ever touched, and there were A LOT. Lately I've been obsessed with Keeper of the Lost Cities, and I can't stop talking about the books. I'm also hyper fixated on Tomorrow X Together.

When I start something, I need to finish it, and I'll often think I'm so close to being done only to continue on it for several more hours, trying to hurry up and finish because I need to get it done now. I'm also pretty bad at switching tasks. I try to multitask, but it doesn't really work out.

I can easily forget about my own physical needs; particularly I don't usually realize when I'm hungry. Overall my needs are very flexible to the people around me; if you want to eat together, suddenly I'm hungry, if you don't feel like stopping, neither do I.

I'm a perfectionist, but I hate asking for help. This is especially true when it comes to my grades and my hobbies. I'm more comfortable when I can control the variables and nobody has to know if I fail.

I'm pretty sure I have executive dysfunction because I put so much pressure on doing things perfectly that I lose the motivation to do them at all, and as much as I need to get something done, I can't make myself do it.

Since I was little I've always been awkward and out of place. I feel like I take up too much space. Honestly, I feel like my existence is lame and embarrassing. I hate myself.

I absolutely suck at decision making, sometimes because I don't want to choose something that other people won't like and partially because I'm just really indecisive. Often I feel stuck or paralyzed because I can't choose one way or another.

Along those same lines, the responsibility of being told to do something for someone else is terrible, and I hate doing these things without incredibly specific instructions because I'm scared of messing up.

I also need to know exact details of whatever activity I'm doing before I do it, and I hate when something big isn't planned out in detail.

I used to have a lot of meltdowns as a child. I’d yell and cry and throw things when I was upset. This still happens sometimes, but not as frequently or as badly.

I feel guilty about everything, including mistakes from years ago that shouldn't matter anymore. This makes me feel sort of unworthy (?), like anything good I do is the bare minimum and if I cause a problem (through anxiety or executive dysfunction) that messes up a project, I feel like I have to do everything else perfectly to make up for it, although I usually end up feeling like I'm coddling myself instead.

I constantly compare myself to others. If someone else has a problem that's worse than what I deal with, I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own negative feelings.

I feel like none of my feelings are valid. I feel and think all sorts of dramatic things that seem like the end of the world, but compared to others, my problems are small, and I feel stupid for having them. I almost wish I had a bigger issue or more dangerous mental problems that would make my responses more reasonable, but my logical side knows that this thinking is wrong.

I've been dealing with off and on burnout since I was around twelve years old (so about five years). I've been told over and over that my mindset is wrong and I need to do a million things better mentally to be less of a perfectionist, but I don't have the energy to put in any effort whatsoever to fix myself. I still get random bursts of motivation that last for short periods of time, though.

Sometimes when I go to bed after a stressful day, I wake up in the morning and I have this uncontrollable dread about starting my day. The thought of getting up sounds impossible, and it's almost like there's something sitting in my chest keeping me down.

[kkbardd]

hello! i haven’t sent an ask in a while because schoolwork has been piling up infinitely :[ , but your recent posts have been really interesting to me! i really liked the room sketch one, I can’t exactly explain why but there’s something so indescribably human about it. i love spaces that looked lived in, that have personality, and I think that your room (current one? made up? old one?) has done a great job of showing that. and I’m not very good at giving advice— I can hardly follow it myself, but if you don’t know something, don’t know what you want to do, try things. it’s okay if you don’t like them. i recently found out I’m more competent in languages than I thought! i can already read and understand simple sentences in german.

there’s always more to yourself than you’ll know, I think, but the world is kinder than people think. If anything, everyone is still very new at this. we’ve never lived before. do the things you like, branch out, don’t become less of yourself for other people. everything has a place, and my best advice is to treat life as you would a vacation. do all the things you can while you’re here. build a life that makes it worth it. (sorry for the long ask and my rambling, or if this is overstepping in any way. i just read what you wrote and kind of related to it in a way. thank you for continuing to create art, it brings me a lot of joy! :] )

hey isopod!!! thanks for the ask & I wish u good luck with ur school work!

Thank u so much for the compliments, im really glad the vibe of my room was conveyed in those doodles. i absolutely looove drawing my room! It’s extremely small (a renovated utility closet) and just barely fits a bed + my desk but its packed full of the things i love. It’s very lived in and I feel like it reflects my character well.

when i drew that page I was in my senior year of high school and pressures to decide my future were overwhelming. I never thought much about it until then and I didn’t have any idea of what I was going to do. The only thing I felt I had going for me was art but I didn’t want to turn my only hobby into a job I hated. I remember going through a master list of majors on random college websites and one-by-one asking myself if I’d be okay doing it. In the end I had nothing. I was really crushed about it and felt stuck. This was right after the covid quarantine too so focusing in school was difficult & I couldn’t bring myself to apply for scholarships. I started skipping classes, smoking weed, and pushing off my assignments. All of this only made me feel more miserable, of course, so everything seemed pretty bleak at the time.

But luckily I had the support of my family and especially my mother. She would always remind me that “we have option”, “we always have options”. Because I did! This was a fresh start to try my hand at a totally different experience than what I’ve done so far. I ended up choosing my major on a complete whim after hearing my aunt had a job in an adjacent field. I was pretty sure I’d drop out after a semester, yet here I am about to graduate soon & I’m having a ton of fun!! (Hell, I’m 10 hours out in the middle of nowhere right now for my Field Methods class!) It’s not that I had a knack for Geology that I just never tapped into, or that i secretly had a passion for rocks this entire time; I just found something that seemed like an okay fit and grew interest from there. I think that a small level of commitment like that is more than enough to get you going. I had a ton of ideas in my head about how I needed to have a perfect fit major that would connect every dot I’ve laid out in my life thus far, but that’s not true at all. Life is much more messy and unpredictable than that.

But enough of my rambling!! That time of my life may have been stressful but I’m very grateful that I went through it! It changed how I viewed problems and it taught me to always look for other options when everything seems helpless.

Thank u so much for ur encouragement, I really appreciate it <33 I completely agree with everything u said!! Life is an ever changing experience & often leads u in unpredictable directions!

[bg-brainrot]

To start, I’m a huge fan of your writing! Seriously, I’ve been reading your stuff since maybe October or November? I always look forward to updates, and I genuinely think your writing is of top-notch quality. Thank you for sharing your stories with us on the internet. ❤️

I saw your post saying you were in game development, and I wanted to ask what are some good ways to network and work with game studios? I’m actually an artist working in the animation industry now (this is an alt account to save posts for my brainrot lmao), but would love to transition into games sooner or later, just not sure how to find good info or leads? There’s only so many animation studios producing major work so it’s easier to scout info, but the world of games is daunting to say the least, even if I’ve been a gamer my whole life.

Any insight helps, but totally understand if you don’t have a straightforward answer to this question lol. You rock, and hope you’re having a good day!

Ahhh first off, thank you so much for reading my fic <33 You best believe I recognize your username when you like my posts and I appreciate it every single time. C: Second, thank you for asking a question!!! I am unreasonably excited to answer it!

To answer your question, I have a few tips, but I will say it will definitely depend on where you live what resources are available to you (it sucks, and it's honestly a huge downside to this industry :') ). Some tips below, sorted by, like availability ~

Networking from anywhere:

Join Discords! There are a ton for general game developers, a ton for people in specific fields, a ton for specific demographics within gaming, a ton for recruiting or for connecting with mentors-- and honestly, it can seem like a lot, there are a ton of people, a lot of them might already know each other, etc. but everyone is super friendly and super willing to help.

Join GameJams! I cannot stress this enough, but one of the biggest things that will help someone transition into games from another field is experience making games (I know it sounds counterintuitive, but bear with me haha)-- but making games, even if they're small games you make with a group over a weekend, shows directly applicable experience and looks great on a portfolio! GameJams are an easy way to find a group, set aside time, and make a game before you even join a studio. Bonus note: animators are *always* in high demand for those.

Reach out to people whose work you like directly! This is by far the most nerve-wrecking (to me at least), but reaching out to people, like cold-emailing, cold-LinkedIn messaging, is just such a good way to get to know people. As awkward as it is for you, people who like what they do will always be excited to answer questions and help set you on a path forward (like me! I receive messages myself and each time I get excited that someone even bothered to reach out tbh). If you're super lucky, you may even get a mentor out of it!

From in-person locations:

Join local indie dev meetups! I've done this in my area, and each and every time everyone is so willing to talk, to connect, and to give each other advice. The best part of these meetups is that they tend to be very informal, and you may even find teams looking to expand.

(Disclaimer, this one is expensive and genuine connections can be difficult given the sheer number of participants, but it's not impossible) Attend conventions/game dev events! Even at GDC, people from all types of industries attend to try to get their foot in the door, speak with recruiters, get portfolio advice, and learn a bit more about how the industry works. A quick word of warning for this one: be wary of the type of convention! For example, GDC is great for growth and connections, but attend something more press-oriented like PAX or more creator-oriented like TwitchCon and you may be disappointed at the lack of opportunities to just sit and talk. Smaller conventions can sometimes be more helpful to actually network as well.

Attend any local universities/incubator programs game showcases! Again, hyper-specific to this being in your area, but often people will take time to show off their game, host in-person game jams, and more-- usually you'll find these around major universities, major companies, and even places like video game museums. All great places to meet and get to know some mentors or even recruiters.

and some general tips for animation specifically that you probably already know as an animator in another field but are always worth mentioning:

Make sure that you know what type(s) of animation you want to get into (Technical animator, rig specialist, gameplay animator, etc.), which studios rely on which animation types (some studios have one generalist, some split up their animation pipeline very thoroughly, some have only 2D animators, some 3D, some a mixture of both), and which game engines they use-- the more programs you know, the better, of course. I've seen 2D animators spend many a personal hour learning 3D animation for the sake of getting on a game they want to work on, so the sooner you learn the better :')

Again I want to stress the gamejam, but if you don't want to talk to other people or it's difficult to find one, I would recommend at least trying to make your own small game. The reason being that, while animators in general are super highly sought after in the industry, the more you know about game development itself the more sought after you will be! A good animator is fantastic, an animator who knows why their animation breaks as soon as it's in engine is even better (and the best way to figure that kind of debugging is really from trying, failing, iterating!)

Beyond just reaching out to people, find animators you like in the industry and see if they're involved in any mentorship programs, are giving any talks, maybe already have some talks online (old GDC talks end up on YouTube sometimes), or even have guides on how they got their start in the industry. It's definitely not a clear cut journey for anyone into gaming, so there's no one-size-fits-all, but it can give you a gauge for how others in your position got there!

PHEW, I think that's it! I hope some of this is helpful, feel free to like, ask for clarification as I know I can ramble, and thank you again for asking! You rock and hope your day is excellent :D

[epithet-beloved]

Parental/Mentor Naven Headcanons mayhaps? 👀

MENTOR NAVEN NUKNUK

synopsis… Headcanons on what Naven is like as a mentor figure!

ft. Naven Nuknuk, Yoomtah Zing (mentioned)

tags… mentor/menteé dynamic, reader is a student teacher, author is projecting real hard, epithet erased spoilers, but only if you squint

word count… 691

a/n… I DON’T PLAAAAY WITH MENTOR NAVEN!!!! As a student teacher myself, i’m so projecting here… live laugh love the 9–5 isn’t worth it <3 ✧ 🦝

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 You’re Naven’s teaching assistant.  Being a teacher is DIFFICULT if you have no training, so he’s relieved when you, a student teacher, volunteer to team-teach interpersonal communications with him.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 He may be your mentor, but honestly there’s a mutual benefit to your dynamic.  He shows you the ropes of a work day, and you ease his anxieties about teaching his preferred subject.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 There’s an image in my head of you showing Naven lesson plans and he just pales.

“...W-What’s a unit of learning, may I ask?  Hm…  Is there a real difference between key concepts and key skills?”

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 All these terms are so new to him.  Honestly for a hot second it’s more like you’re mentoring him.  

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 The more you get used to your workflow and dynamic, the more his side of the mentoring comes in.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Naven may seem like a doormat to strangers, but he always knows just what to say and do.  If you’re anxious, he senses it, and he talks you through whatever it is that’s stressing you out.  He’s a real comforting presence.  It’s like you can talk to him about anything.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 When you become more comfortable talking about personal lives, Naven is just full of whimsy and enthusiasm for certain topics!  He loves babbling about different teas, what books he read recently, where he and his wife went for dinner last weekend… Honestly, doing something unexpected as he rambles is the only time you can ever catch him off guard.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 That’s another thing.  He has eyes on the back of his head, you swear it.  You’re doing any kind of slacking off and he peers over at you with squinted eyes and a furrowed brow.  How can one side-eye with unopened eyes?  No idea, but he has perfected it.

“...You better not be checking your socials during work hours.  How do I know?  Hm, I’m just psychic!” He jokes with a giggle.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 When you’re in an office together, sometimes one of Naven’s new chauffeurs will swing by, speedwalking to his desk and lightheartedly lecturing him on how he forgot his lunch.  It’s rather amusing to watch.  Sometimes she’ll talk with you, but you know she’s just here for Naven from how impatient she is waiting for him.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 You wonder just how on Earth the guy can have so many chauffeurs in such a short time span…

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Naven is the king of silly little office games.  There’s this thing called ‘mugging’ someone, where you’ll leave a mug full of treats and nice things with a note saying they got ‘mugged’ and they’re now in charge of mugging someone else.  And to tell you Naven LOOOVESSS doing things like this.  He’s so cheesy, but he likes livening up the workplace you’re in with him.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Sometimes he’ll take you to STEM because a guy could always need an extra pair of hands!  He does warn you that his colleagues could be a little, ehhh, eccentric, but nothing his protegé can’t handle!!

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 You’re well taken care of in STEM, Naven makes sure of it!!!

“If you need me, do tell me!” Naven reminds you once more as you board the lift up to his office.  “I won’t know otherwise.  Communication is very important!  People… can sometimes be unprofessional.  It’s happened before, and it can happen again.  I wouldn’t want my favourite student to run into the wrong person!”

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Speaking of, he loves calling you his favourite student he’s as cheesy as a charcuterie board i swearrrrr…

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 If you’re inscribed, then he’s so interested.  He asks tons of questions, curious about what your ability does, how it affects you daily, etc. etc.  He’s so attentive, and it’s almost flattering how much he wishes to get to know you and help you out.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Once you get close enough, Naven may invite you to work for him at STEM.  He trusts you, and he knows you’re a capable worker!  Plus, he can even provide accommodation if you live too far!

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Really, how could you refuse when he looks at you so hopefully?  He knows you can make a difference, and he’ll pave the way for younger people like yourself to make it happen.

[doctorguilty]

Just now "going to bed" (more like a nap since I'm gonna get up at 11am) @_@ everything took longer than I hoped, but it's cause I misplaced SO many things I needed to pack, and I also had a lot of pet stuff to take care of to make sure they all have extra provisions, I'm so sore from bending over stuff all day, traveling to the airport is gonna suck sooooo bad but it'll be worth it..

When gloomy is at work I should have the place to myself this time, no housemate drama, and I'm determined to use that wonderful peace and quiet and NOT being cooped up in a bedroom all day to get some art done, I packed my laptop and tablet, my comfy lap desk, (headphones and controller for some gaming with my siblings long distance too), I keep mentally calling this my sabbatical even though it's kind of the opposite plan but what I DO really need a break from is my stressful household .. so to me it feels like that!

Hopefully anyway..... if my fatigue doesn't kill my and my arthritis has been acting up a ton but ;;;; even if I can't get much done as planned, the break will still be nice..

The last time I had a whole place to myself was last October when I was working at the haunted house, my trip overlapped with my previous roommates being away on vacation so I stayed at my old apartment lmao but it worked out great because it meant I'd be there to take care of the pets and water the plants! That was a nice break from home but, since I was was working my butt off I didn't have a lot of me time, and the weather was TERRIBLE as soon as the haunt was over..

Prior to that uh... I don't even know when I had any place to myself last ... it would be quite some time ago.. anyway so.. I'm looking forward to it, not to say I don't wanna spend time with my partner fbhdjdskdks I DO and I would be happy if they had the whole week off even, I don't mind sharing space with them because they respect my needs to be like ghost mode where I'm given full mental space like I'm not even there (which is SO difficult to get anyone else to understand so I'm grateful my brand of autism is understood..), but regardless they're gonna be working so it's gonna be me time in the day (missing their presence 😔) and us time at night and on the weekend, I reckon it would be a glimpse of living together in the future because it's likely gonna be the situation of them working a 9-5 (or similar) and me working from home (or working a job but super part time) AND that also means I can do domestic things like make dinner before they get home and whatnot...

Yeah anyway if you read all this I'm impressed jsgjksekfhsjd kinda just got carried away Journaling

[thomotomo]

Hi! Hope you're having a good day! I'm the same anon who requested the love triangle of Faker x reader x Keria, my fixation for League and T1 came stronger than ever this time, my mind only thinks about faker, I just can't help it. TT

Maybe I'm projecting myself in this one, but like...Faker with a reader who is studying arts and like, although the reader loves what he does, he can't help but feel anxiety and sadness cuz, you know, it's very difficult to live from being an artist. I just know Faker would hug and comfort us and tell us that everything will be fine. :(

This is probably too long lmao, but I just needed to get it off my chest! Have a good day/night. <3

A/N: Heya anon! Thanks for trusting me with your request again hehe 🫶 I sooo feel you on only having Faker on your mind, I totally relate lmao- I was fast to write this one hehe (it hit veeeery close from home for me too lmao) I hope you'll enjoy it~

You didn't knew why you started feeling this way. You had always been so sure about the path you wanted to take but now the only thing you could do was worry. Maybe it was the fact that this was your last year in school and after that you'd be thrown into the wild west of adulthood and job hunting and you were scared of that?

You were deeply in love with what you were studying, even if it was hard at times with all the deadlines and such but you were really interested in your domain, it had been hard to push for your parents to allow you to study in this field. After all it wasn't the most lucrative nor recognized path, even though it had became widely accepted lately it was still hard to make a proper living out of it and talking about it during meals with your family was a risk to have a ton of judgement from them. So you couldn't vent your frustration and sadness to them whenever you met up and it was weighing heavily on your mind.

You stepped inside your apartment putting down your bag at the entrance and took off your shoes. You headed into your room and laid face down on your bed, you felt very empty and very stressed. The anxiety was slowly creeping up on you. You stood up suddenly and decided to take a look at all the drawings you had made throughout your college years, your favourite photographies looming over you and an immense dread was filling you as you looked at each of these - your- art pieces. You had always loved looking back on your growth but right now, they all looked so ugly.

And so, your mind could only criticise all of the mistakes you were seeing. You couldn't help but get the urge to destroy it, after all was it really worth it? You wouldn't be guaranteed a living right out of college, you probably wouldn't make enough to live a comfortable life unlike office workers and yet it was the path that you were headed in, you were really into it but your mind was filled with doubts, what if you couldn't find anything? You still had to pay your bills somehow so most likely you'll have to find a full time job in a shitty supermarket and then you'll just be too focused on making money to try to pursue your dream and you

You were so engrossed in your downward spiral and panic that you hadn't heard Sanghyeok coming back. He stepped into your bedroom and as he saw how much you were engrossed into your panic, he sat down next to you and gently took your hand in his.

"(Y/N)-ah? Are you okay?"

You looked at him with wide eyes, his face softened as he watched your eyes filling with tears, you sniffled and put down your sketchbook. Sanghyeok picked up and put it back on your table, and seated again next to you, the two of you had already spoken about this and your feelings towards your future work area but he had never seen you in this state before.

"I'm sorry.", you chuckled between two sniffles.

"Don't be it's okay. Do you want to speak about it?"

You didn't say anything and just shook your head negatively. Your boyfriend wrapped an arm around your shoulder, trying to give you with the best of his abilities, a hug. He gently pressed kisses on the temple of you head. He knew what you felt, the uncertainty of the future and of your career, he had felt the same multiple times throughout the years and he knew that reassurances didn't always help but he was here, and support was probably the best thing he could give to you.

"Don't worry too much right now. I'll be with you every step of the way okay?"

You nodded quietly, wrapping your arms around his waist, nuzzling into his neck, trying to calm yourself down. Sanghyeok's warmth was already making you feel better, you were already quite clingy usually but when you were in this kind of mood it was even worse. The older male was gently patting your hair as your hiccuping slowed down and you got your head out of his neck, using one of your hands to swipe away the tears. Sanghyeok looked at you with a small smile on his lips, you still looked very adorable even after crying, and well, he had brought back some of your favourite meat to cook.

"I have everything to make you donkatsu, would you feel better if I do that?"

Your eyes shined in excitement as soon as you heard the word "donkatsu". Sanghyeok chuckled and stood up, bringing you with him, the two of you headed to the kitchen and you watch as your boyfriend started to work on your food. The two of you were discussing, some quiet music playing in the background, calming your nerves, you helped him into making the sauce and the rice so the two of you could eat quicker, despite Sanghyeok's protests.

When the meal was ready you took a seat on your couch and you couldn't help but admire the food and observe your favourite man bringing back chopsticks and your preferred soda. Sanghyeok looked at you curiously, his lips being turned up in a cat-like gentle smile.

"Thank you for being here for me Hyeok..."

"Of course jagi. Here eat and ease your mind."

He took a piece of the meat and fed it to you making your cheeks flush slightly, making him grin. The two of you ate in a very comfortable silence and once you finished the meal you both cleaned up the plates and Sanghyeok laid down on couch opening his arms to you. You chuckled and laid down on him, breathing in his scent.

"I know you're worried about the future but as I said I will always be here for you. I know what you feel and just as you're supporting me, I'll support you."

Your heart swelled as you listened to him talk, and your arms tightened around him. Sanghyeok gently kissed the top of your head, soothing a bit of your anxiety away. You laid there, listening to his heartbeat, which definitely helped you calming down and made you drift away into a nice sleep.

[trek-tracks]

What generic wisdom and/or life advice do you have? Here's an acorn for your trouble: 🌰

Oh, goodness! Talk about an intimidating ask.

When I think about existence, two quotations always come to my mind from authors who have been important to me at various stages of my life.

The first, from Kurt Vonnegut's God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater:

Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies — "God damn it, you've got to be kind."

The second, the last line from Robertson Davies' final novel, The Cunning Man:

“This is the Great Theatre of Life. Admission is free, but the taxation is mortal. You come when you can, and leave when you must. The show is continuous. Goodnight.”

These are two thoughts by which I've tried to lead my life.

The first lesson is kindness.

As an educator and person in a certain position of power over people's learning journeys, I'd like to say that kindness costs me nothing. That's not true. Kindness costs me late nights, extra review sessions, letting people hand in assignments in ways that are detrimental to my own time and stress. Connecting with so many people on a daily basis can be emotionally exhausting.

If there's one thing I have worked on more and more in my life (and need to continue to work on), it's walking the fine line between being kind and being taken advantage of.

However, I operate from the following perspective:

Everyone is having a difficult time, and there are things in other people's lives that are not "dreamt of in my philosophy," so to speak.

This perspective makes my life richer. I have never understood people who rigidly stick to a "one size fits all" mindset. I listen to people. I prioritize the person over the dropbox deadline. I say nice things to my family, my friends, my colleagues, my students, when I can. I practice grace in most things.

This also means that, when I do draw a boundary (for example, in my work as a professor, I do not tolerate plagiarism once I have very clearly taught what it entails), people can see that there is a clear difference between my usual practice of grace, and my ethical framework. It also means that people are more likely to extend me grace in return. I need it. We all do.

The second lesson is passion.

This is the Great Theatre of Life. We don't get to choose much about it, but we do get to shape the show.

I was talking to a former student the other evening, after I came across him in the lobby after my Lord of the Rings performance. He said to me that I was one of the few faculty he'd had that wasn't cynical or jaded yet, which is why he'd enjoyed my class.

The funny thing is, that's not entirely true.

In many ways, I'm very cynical. A fellow faculty member once said of me, in an approving tone, that I was "impressively jaded for one so young." Look. I'm Jewish. I'm bi. I'm disabled (in the chronic often invisible illness way). I know what the world can dish out, and I can kvetch with the best of them. But that's mostly because I want to believe we can do better. In any case, I can only control myself. I can do better.

First, I want everyone I teach to know that reading, writing, critical thinking, loving language, loving literature and theatre, are all things they can do, even if those gates have seemed barred. Opening these gates together can help them. I like to break things down as clearly and succinctly as possible. I don't expect people to show enthusiasm for something if I'm not showing it myself. Do I sometimes get super-mega-frustrated with the results I'm getting? Of course. There are parts of my job and my life that suck. Do I throw myself into things head-first with enthusiasm anyway? Always.

I do the things I love. I see tons of theatre. I make theatre. I sing (even if you "can't" sing, find time to do it anyway). I tell stories. I spend time with friends. If I have a choice to go to the thing or stay home, I go to the thing. I support my friends. I make people LAUGH, because I love that more than anything. I curl these things around me like a warm cat on a lap. And I try not to get jaded by the offerings around me, no matter how many shows I go to or how many papers I read. (I don't always succeed.) Can you imagine, though, how amazing it is to have a life where you're in danger of getting jaded simply by the sheer amount of art on offer?

Four years ago, a student came to me after the second week of my rhetorical analysis class. She told me that she had dropped the course with other faculty twice because she was intimidated by it. We were talking about one of the course readings for the week, which was a 35-year-old essay by a now-dead white man (everything she was not) with very strong opinions on the need to properly state your ideas in exactly the correct words to prove you were thinking.

She said, about the reading, “I didn’t understand it when I read it and thought I was stupid. But then, when you said it might not have been written with me in mind, I felt better. And then, when you broke it down and I understood it, I liked how much I liked that feeling.” Then she said something that made me cry in my office: “Things happen for a reason. I had to drop that class twice so I could meet you.”

She came to office hour after office hour. We spent time working on her writing and discussing what her particular frame of reference brought to her understanding of each week's readings.

She had dropped the course twice because she "couldn't do it."

She left with an A.

She left with a new sense of agency over her own experience of the wonder of the world.

What does it cost to be kind, and to love things?

What do we gain?

This is the Great Theatre of Life. All we can do is put on a show of kindness, watching with wonder before we depart.

[deshaunicus]

Just sharing two of my favorite photos from 2023, but I also really need to just vent a little. The past year was a trying one for me.

There were some positives, for sure, and I've already written about those elsewhere. Today, however, I want to unload some of the more stressful things. I don't plan on going into a ton of detail, but I think I need to say it somewhere because I haven't been in a good place.

Work

The biggest source of stress for me has been losing my job at the end of June. I made a big move and left my finance job of 15 years to work for a non-profit media company in early 2022, and I got laid off about 18 months later. Make no mistake here: I loved that job and all the people I worked with. It was kind of heartbreaking to leave a place that made me feel so welcome. In the time since then, I've applied to a ton of jobs, and I've had only one interview. The interview that I was able to get wasn't even through the traditional application method—I had a friendly rapport with a recruiter and managed to land an interview that went all the way to its final round. Unfortunately, I didn't get that job and it was crushing. The little bit of savings I had has been depleted, and my unemployment ends in a few weeks. Job searching is fundamentally broken and it doesn't appear to be improving.

I've always struggled to get paid photo gigs, and despite what I'd consider to be a solid catalog of work, it has been difficult to consistently get in front of people who can offer paid opportunities. To that point, I had 4 paid concert gigs last year, out of 26 gigs total. I did have a handful of photography gigs that were not live music related, and I'm incredibly grateful for those, because they've helped to keep my rent paid for a little longer. Still, these are only occasional drops of income that aren't sustainable. I don't know what to do, and I'm pretty exhausted.

Relationships

Last year was possibly one of the loneliest years I can remember. Thankfully, my best friendships are still intact and I don't see that changing. However, there were just a lot of transitions that were starting to settle in for me. Most of my friends are married and/or have children, and quite a few of them have moved away too. It doesn't mean the friendships have dissolved—they're just different now and can't be maintained in quite the same way. Unfortunately, I still find myself occasionally revisiting abandoned friendships from years ago and grieving in one way or another—usually by having a flash of anger and then disappointment.

Romantic relationships were nonexistent. In fact, I essentially swore off of dating early in the year after a particularly demoralizing experience. Losing my job, of course, cemented that hiatus for me.

Professional relationships have also struggled. My attempts to nurture new relationships with artists, editors, and creative staff for photo work were fruitless. I did have a couple of people who successfully recommended me for work, but my own personal outreach was unsuccessful.

Outlook

I have made an effort to take the time and look back on the good things that have happened. I don't have selective memory about the good and bad things, but the bad things have been a mess. I don't know how I'll pay rent next month. If I manage to pay that, then the month after that becomes the new major concern, and so on. This is worse than paycheck to paycheck—there are no paychecks.

When friends casually mention things like plans for kids and marriage to me, I no longer confidently believe either of those things are in my future. Instead, I feel unlovable.

My sleep schedule is completely upside down now, and I don't leave my apartment for days at a time. I'm tired, and I would like to have one bit of security back.

On the very, very slim chance that you've reached the end of this, I applaud you. Part of the reason this is here is because I don't think very many people will check.

I hope that whatever 2023 was for you, 2024 ends up being better.

[inkofamethyst]

March 27, 2024

daylist: symphonic nerdy wednesday evening (city pop, japanese jazz, orchestra, film score [it was exclusively ~vgm~ (lots of NieR and Final Fantasy, lots of vocal tracks!) lol], mmorpg)

song obsession of the week: The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace - The Amazing Devil gfkgdkjgkjfgkjd

Man I am just so pro-right to repair. Was thinking about getting some new headphones because the earpads on the ones I've had for years have been flaking bad for months, but they sell what are essentially the same earpads online! The headphones themselves are still fully functional, so why contribute to electronic waste when I don't have to? And now they feel perfect :)

Speaking of repair though, I've been done dirty by orthodontists and dentists all my life. And now I might have to pay, again, to fix issues that were ultimately caused by them. I've done (almost) everything right. Wore my retainers nightly, brushed, and I'm now into flossing regularly. So annoying.

Anyway I'm lowk stressing about the future (because of course I am) because even though I could "afford" a solo apartment, I also can't help but feel like that would be squandering my opportunity to save a ton toward the future when my savings would make the most impact (yeah, sorry, it's another one of these, and won't be the last I'm sure). Living solo is something I want and would love to do. And according to my calculations, I could. Even without sacrificing retirement and saving toward a house. Which is more than most graduate/PhD students are ever able to do during their schooling. But it's the anxiety of knowing that I could do more if I had even just one roommate. It's like, considering my situation as a student, what I already have saved, what I will be able to save, what I will have left over each month (a seriously comfortable sum (because, like a platypus, I don't do much)), I would be fine. I would be happy! But having one roommate wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, I guess. And then I could contribute more to my future happiness.

I don't know.

Can I place a monetary value on comfort?

I have a little under a year to figure out what I'm going to do. I can tell you what I want. I want someone to tell me that choosing to live alone would not be ruinous. That it'd be okay. That it'd be worth it for my contentment. That I'm taking the right steps, that I have a good foundation set. But I have to make the decision by myself. And then live with it. Through whatever comes. Because I don't really want to move more than once more before my program ends (and another thing, it would be much more difficult to save up for moving again if I lived alone).

Part of me wants to approach this with the mindset that the future is never guaranteed. And that, as a result, it's okay to splurge now. (Also there's the part about my grandmother potentially not being able to take care of her dog as she ages, and I wouldn't want to rehome her entirely (the puppy, not my grandmother).)

But like, okay. The 50-30-20 needs-wants-saving axis, right? I could stick "living alone" as part of wants since I don't otherwise really spend that much in wants ultimately.

Let me go calculate.

Okay. Post-tax (which is how you're meant to calculate 50-30-20), I'd be doing a bit better than the suggested model (but!!! this includes all the help I'm getting without which I simply would not consider this in the first place).

Let me... let me do some future sims.

nerdwallet says I'll be fine.

Okay. Okay! okay.. Ohh-kay.

I'm not completely decided but at least I have all that information available to me.

Today I'm thankful that.. I don't have a lot of homework tonight. So I can go to bed. OH OH ALSO thankful the person I've wanted as my secondary advisor for months but was too afraid to ask said yes and seemed happy to say so <3

[edit, ~a week later: the trouble will be finding a 1b/1b at my price point (still pretty low for this area since I don't really want to settle for a studio) that's close enough and has my minimum requirements (I suppose another potential option would be saving aggressively for another year to grind out a pot of money that would sustain me for three years at a slightly higher price point)]

[qumiiiquinnquin]

its only been 2 weeks but i just dont feel like i can do this.

its really stressful. the workload is always high. having a break isn't really a thing. and with how bad my schedule is (that i could not do anything about) i have to wake up extremely early (5-5:30am) and i come home in the evening (also 5-5:30 but pm). and i just have to dedicate that time to homework and i know there's going to be lots of all-nighters

i have no time to eat. im tired all the time. focusing on work is difficult in general, but my lack of eating and sleep make it worse. and while i know the exercise is good for me, having to walk a mile each way to and from home and all my walking on campus makes me very tired and sore. (im so petty)

i know im being overdramatic because its only been 2 weeks. but it gets worse from here on out. im really stressed and anxious all the time. and ive already broken down a few times. i want to cry right now because im under so much stress, but people are awake so i cant.

its so petty. i want to give up now and i keep contemplating, i thought about going to the rooftop and. well. you know. i want to drop out now but that would upset my family a ton (also its only been 2 weeks!!!). but i dont really like my family's idea that if they went to college and got their degrees, so can i. they all went to college so thats what was encouraged of me to do too after i graduated high school. and this is just community college. if im barely hanging on in community college id be dead by now in a uc or cal state, either one im planning to transfer to once im done at community college...

i knew i wasnt cut out for college. i knew it since before applying. i keep telling myself this is only until december. and when i register for the spring term i can hopefully form a much better schedule so im not stressed out and loaded with work all the time and i can actually take care of myself. so im trying to keep moving forward. but its only now september. i have 13 more weeks. and if these first two weeks were enough to kick my ass then im fucked for the rest of the semester. and probably my entire time at college.

[batfeula]

Somehow only today I found your non-pixel art artworks on the Instagram page through one of your posts here and I love it! Never seen them on Twitter before, I think. Is there a special reason for such separation of styles? Will you be posting more of it here on Tumblr?

When I started drawing "seriously" instagram was the best social platform to share art: there were no stories and reels, just images, so it was natural for me to use it. Over time, however, the nature of instagram has changed, it became increasingly difficult to get noticed among the posts and, with the desire to "become famous", on the advice of a friend I decided to create a Twitter account, where according to him it was easier to grow. (I'm ashamed of it, but in those days I was really obsessed with likes and followers) So when I started on Twitter I was just reposting the same things as Instagram and if I'm not mistaken at the time I was participating in the October challenge "Season of Bad Guys" organized by Craig Gleason on instagram. They were the same posts on two different platforms with a different level of interaction, on Twitter if I reached 5 likes it was a lot. Apparently growing up on Twitter wasn't as easy as I was told... However I felt that I didn't like Instagram anymore, several years had passed and I was always the small fish in a sea that was too big, I hadn't managed to make friends with any other artist and my list of followers had turned into a phone book, there were only people who followed me because they knew in real life. So, when I started making pixelart for fun, I decided to start completely from scratch and rather than create a new instagram account, I preferred to use the twitter account I already had. And so, my twitter became exclusively pixelated. However, I continue to do digital art, in fact last year I also followed a course in digital painting and concept art, and even if I like it and sometimes I miss dedicating myself completely to that, unfortunately pixelart is the only thing that has made me earn some money. Tumblr is a whole new world, I haven't quite figured out how to use it yet, but it might be the next platform I run off to to escape the stressful things about Twitter. So I don't know, maybe there's a new quarantine and I'm going to study 3D modeling and I'm dedicating this account only to lowpoly characters. Excuse me if I wrote a ton of stuff, I really like chatting and twitter has never allowed me to do so much in a single post, to make it up to you here is an illustration which is neither on twitter nor on instagram.