#and this post is about just the theme of forgiveness on a whole and i’m not referring to a certain group or a certain individual | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mothwingwritings · 5 months

Note

Can we have Ren/Fox (TPOF) and Mc with a child?Long after Fox decided to stay with MC, they both had a daughter (probably not something with consent and a bit of Stockholm syndrome).The daughter asks her mother how she got the scars and this makes MC have memories of post-traumatic stress.

I was so tickled by this ask that I started manically typing out a response for it nearly as soon as I saw it in my ask box (which at this point, was quite some time ago. Forgive me, I am a mess lul). I wrote the whole damn thing in a fit of passion, excited to release it into the world… But ultimately hated it and thought it was garbo, so I scrapped it and tried again. Wrote a second iteration and thought ‘hell yeah, this is it!!! Sick!’, but then I read it AND HATED THAT ONE TOO AAAHHH!!!

I rewrote this… so much…

But I never give up on my dreams, and you shouldn’t either! Persevere! Don’t give up on yourself! Here’s your daily motivation for the day! Keep writing even it makes you cry!!! :D

Anyway, so I wrote this third one, comprised of new stuff and the stuff I actually did like from the first two stabs, and it ended up being the one. Truly it is a Frankenstein of a fic lol. Regardless of all the reworking, I had a lot of fun writing this and enjoyed the prompt very much!!! I I hope you enjoy reading it just as much. :)

I’m sorry if the writing seems a tad too mature for the reader’s daughter in this, writing children isn’t my forte. ^^;

Due to the nature of this fic, IT IS 18+ ONLY!!! Thank you!

WARNINGS: Incessant mentions of abuse of all kinds for reader and mentions of physical abuse for her child!!! Reader is heavily scarred from said abuse and that’s a main theme in this fic so please avoid if that is upsetting to you. Also, though not the main focus, there are multiple mentions of child abuse in this fic, as well a part where reader goes off verbally on her child, so please be mindful of that as well! Other things of note: reader is a parent in this (which you can probably tell by the prev warning lol), reader getting hurt, blood, manipulation, Stockholm syndrome, being held against your will/isolation, mentions of noncon, sad family stuff :(

Diminishing rays of afternoon light splayed through the open window of your quaint living room, casting a comforting orange glow over everything they touched. The light gave the environment an ethereal and nostalgic feel, wrapping you in peaceful warmth as the sun sunk lower and lower. The loveseat you occupied was plush and inviting, and a mug of your favorite tea stood at the ready on the small coffee table beside you, steadily cooling with help from the last hurrah of winter blowing in gently from the outside. Besides the slight chill, the wind brought with it the heavy scent of freshly bloomed flowers, a delightful precursor to the oncoming spring.

Relishing the rare moment of serenity, you couldn’t help but wish that all your days could be this lovely.

You smiled down at your daughter who sat perched in your lap, happily flipping through the newest gift she had acquired from her Father- a thick picture book full of bright illustrations highlighting various exotic animals. As it lay sprawled across her tiny lap, her chubby finger pointed out each animal she took an interest in, her high pitched voice chirping away as she explained what she liked about the creatures. She got particularly excited when she spotted the page full of foxes, jabbing at the red one feverishly as she exclaimed “its daddy!”

Spotting the foxes began her down a path of assigning an animal to not just herself, but you as well. She didn’t find it fair that only her father had kin in the animal world, even though you pointed out that she technically did as well by sharing half the man’s blood. Your revelation did little to deter her, she wanted something new, something just for herself, and she wasn’t going to stop until she found her perfect soul animal. So she continued on, scanning each page in earnest until she found a creature that suited her.

She ended up picking a bunny for herself, supplying you with a comprehensive reason as to why she chose it. As she explained in great length, skimping no details, you couldn’t help but hold back laughter. She spoke as if she were a professor teaching a class, and you did your best to keep a straight face as she yammered on with her shoddy reasoning, deep down knowing she only picked a rabbit because of how cute they are.

After she was done waxing poetic about bunnies, she continued scouring the book, coming to a halt once she reached the wild cat section. She stopped with a gasp, beaming up at you as she pressed her finger firmly against one of the images on the page.

“Mommy this one is you!”

Your eyes traveled to the picture she was rapidly tapping, “An African Wildcat, huh?” You smirked down at the little girl in amusement, “Why did you pick that one for me?”

“Because it looks just like you!”

You chuckled at her enthusiasm, “It looks like me? How so?”

“It has marks just like you do!”

Her innocuous words sent a chill up your spine. Eying the stripes that crossed the cat’s legs, you felt a great unease begin to overtake your body. Her reasoning was not lost on you, the cats coat did quite resemble the jagged scars that covered nearly every inch of your body, and just like the feline in her book, your limbs were the most prominent location of said ‘markings’. You quickly shook your head, not wanting to dwell on it further. In hopes of moving on from the subject, the outpouring of words that flew from your mouth were jumbled and messy.

“O-oh, I see,” you stuttered, clearing your throat to steady your voice, “well you certainly picked a cute animal for me! Thank you baby, it was a good choice.”

She smiled at you innocently, a gesture that usually made your heart melt with affection. But as her tiny hands moved from the book to your arms, that smile did nothing but fill you with dread, the realization that you wouldn’t be getting out of this sticky situation hitting you like a brick to the face.

“Yeah mommy, the kitty’s marks are just like these ones,” her stubby fingers gently traced the old wounds, a look of reverence reflected on her cherubic features. “They make you look like that kitty mommy,” her little voice cooed, “I like them a lot!”

Your muscles constricted at her words, a slight tremor coursing through you as you involuntarily tightened your grip on her. She took note of this, looking up at your strained features with a puzzled expression on her face.

“Don’t be sad mommy,” she spoke assuredly, “I really do like them! I think they are pretty!”

Her words burned you, scorching the inside of your frozen shell of a body, leaving you feeling sickly and discombobulated. The room around you started to spin in a hazy blur, a wave of nausea making you nearly wretch. Your breathing grew erratic as you tried to calm yourself, inwardly repeating that your daughter was just a child, a little girl barely four years of age who had an incredibly limited view of the world. Her words were not meant to upset you. Her opinions were coming from a place of total naivety.

Yet still, the mental assurance did little to help with the extremely uncomfortable position you now founds yourself in. It wasn’t as if this was her first time noticing your scars. She had mentioned them before, her curious mind trying to piece together the reason that her arms appeared different from your own. Each time she brought your old wounds up you couldn’t help but feel flustered, responding with weak explanations and misdirection to try and quickly brush off her questioning.

The marks came from a silly mistake, or a childhood accident, or from a careless moment when mommy should have been paying more attention. It was always excuses on repeat. How many lies had you told her on this topic alone?

But even if they were lies, it beat telling her the truth. You didn’t want to have to explain where the scars on your body actually came from to anyone, let alone a child, and especially not to your own daughter. How could you possibly word it gently, or in a way that she would understand, when you barely understood why you had them yourself? How could you look her in the eye and tell her that these markings were a permanent sign that you had been very, very hurt and that it was her own fathers hands that inflicted the pain?

Reliving the horrific moments that left your body in such a state was overwhelming enough on its own, but to also have to lay bare her father’s sins, relay to her the unsavory proclivities of a man who she idolized and adored, was not something you were keen on doing.

She didn’t know her daddy like you knew him. She was ignorant to the constant state of concern you lived in, unaware of the worries that plagued your mind and kept you up each night. All the troubles of the hell she had been born into were completely lost on the small, carefree girl.

But honestly that was for the best. You had made an unspoken promise the moment she entered your life that you would protect her no matter what. From the day of her birth onward it became your mission to keep her as happy and healthy as possible.

Ren had broken you, but she did not have to suffer the same fate.

At this point in her life, your daughter knew nothing of her daddy’s profession or ‘hobbies’, and you wanted it to remain that way for as long as possible, if not for the rest of her life. You dreaded each time Ren came home from an auction, terrified he may let casually slip too many details about his ‘lively client’ or that he would carelessly step through the door with the stains of his liaisons still littering his clothes. Your daughter was at an age where she was brimming with questions, and she was relentless in getting answers to each question she asked. Everything had to be explained in complete detail for her to be satisfied, drop the subject, and move on. She was a smart little thing, possibly too smart for her own good. You highly doubted a silly joke or wave of the hand would assuage her whirring mind should Ren grow too impetuous in her presence.

And should her questioning become too pesky, you fretted over what Ren’s reaction to it may be. The more you tried to avoid thinking about it the more you seemed to fixate on the topic, pondering just how much goading it would take from your daughter before his temper would rear its ugly head. You, above anyone, had firsthand experience in just how volatile the man could be, the scars that littered your body a testament to his turbulent emotions and violent outbursts.

Looking back on it now, it’s a wonder you survived any of it at all.

Ren often told you he loved you, each confession spoken through honeyed words that spilled from his lips easily and often. And while you didn’t doubt those words (you knew better than to, at this point), you also knew his sweet nothings weren’t merely a term of endearment, they also served as your curse. He loved you, but he also loved your fealty to him, your adoration and worship of him and only him. Should you not reciprocate his feelings as quickly or ardently as he expected, the mere thought of whatever punishment he would concoct was enough to send you into a debilitating panic attack.

There were few things he loathed more than when you flinched from his affection or if you exhibited any sign of distress towards his presence, especially after he had spent so many years going above and beyond to provide for you, devote himself to you. You had learned early on to keel any feelings of aversion you had to his advances, several of your more prominent scars a brutal reminder of that misstep alone.

If your daughter uncovered the truth and saw her father for who he truly was, if she began to fear him the way you feared him, how would he respond? If not only his partner, but his own daughter started shying away from him, what length would he go to to correct this behavior?

Dwelling on it made your skin crawl.

But perhaps all of your worries were asinine. Despite his inclination for cruelty, Ren had never so much as raised a hand towards your daughter, even when she did act up. If anything, he was overprotective of her, barely letting her move faster than a brisk jog lest she fall and hurt herself. He hated seeing his little girl experience even a modicum of physical pain, mentioning to you previously that were he able, he’d keep her locked up in a padded room all day and night to prevent any foreseeable accidents or injuries. Surely it was just his idea of a joke, but the insinuation still made you cringe.

It was almost comical, just how greatly the manifestation of his affection for her differed from how he showed his love for you.

His domineering nature shielded her from experiencing any true pain. Every scrape, bruise, and cut she ever received was superficial, nothing that caused major bleeding or left a lasting impression. She had no way of knowing what had been done to you to cause the scars that marred your form, the torment and hell you experienced with each slash, smack, burn. Hell, she probably didn’t even really understand what a scar actually was. All she knew was that her mommy and daddy had strange marks on their skin that didn’t follow any kind of set pattern, weird jagged lines and indents that her soft skin was curiously free from. The mystery of it all was as puzzling to her young mind as it was enticing.

However, some mysteries were best left unsolved, and just as with each other time she brought up this hot topic, you found yourself unable to look into her clear, bright eyes and tell her any semblance of the truth. She may have been forced upon you, but she was your daughter. You loved her, and you refused to be the one to shatter her innocence. You would keep her ignorant for as long as possible, shielding her to the endless nightmare of your daily lives, even if it cost you your sanity.

“Mommy,” her voice jarred you, dragging you from your thoughts, “mommy did you hear me? I said I think they are pretty!”

“T-that’s… I…” You stuttered, struggling to find the right words to say, your voice coming out much smaller than you intended it to. The room felt like it had dropped thirty degrees, your body twitching in response to the sudden chill.

“Daddy told me he gave some of them to you, like this one,” her pudgy, cold finger pressed into the faded heart that resided on your chest, the first of many indelible sins he had etched onto your form. Only the top half of the carved symbol was viewable above the collar of your shirt, so she tugged at the loose hem until she could see it in its horrible entirety.

“Daddy said he gave you this one because he loves you so much,” her voice grew quiet, a thoughtful look in her eye as they drank in wounds you wished you could forget, “Daddy loves me too, right mommy? You think he’ll give me a cute heart someday too?”

You felt as if you had been hit by a train.

“S-top,” the words were forced from your throat, airy and breathless, as if someone was wringing your neck to make them come out, “p-please, just stop talking.”

“What did you say mama,” your daughters sing-song voice responded as her fingers continued to trace and prod your scars, “You are whispering, is it a secret?”

“I told you to SHUT UP!”

As if following your command, your booming voice instantly silenced the small girl. Unused to such a violent outburst from her mother, her happy-go-lucky nature quickly shifted to one of alert, her tiny body going rigid as she stared up at you with fearful eyes.

Seeing her in such a state and knowing that you were the cause of it would normally have killed you inside, making you fall to your knees to beg for the child’s forgiveness. But right now, the thin thread that had been holding you together had snapped, and your words rushed out in a torrent you couldn’t begin to quell.

“Shut up, shut up, shut UP!” You seethed, clasping your hands to your ears to try and block out your own intrusive voice, “Just STOP TALKING about it! What are you even saying? Why would you ever want to look like this?!”

Tears started to flood your eyes, blurring the image of the girl who had quickly jumped from your lap and was now cowering before you. Through your bleary vision, you could see tears were brimming her eyes as well.

“You… You have no idea,” your voice warbled, shaking in equal parts grief and frustration, “You have no clue what you are saying, so just STOP IT. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!”

You slunk from the chair down to the floor, burying your face in your cold, stiff hands. The soft blubbering of your daughter could be heard through your own sobbing.

“I-I’m sorry mommy. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Hearing her broken voice began to shatter the spell you had been under, instant regret jerking you roughly back to reality. Your head sunk lower, your body scrunching itself up as tightly as possible to hide from this cruel reality.

Your screams were born from deeply buried feelings of hatred, tucked far, far away as a means of self-preservation. For a moment, you felt as if you despised your daughter, her existence tethering you to this wretched excuse of a life, binding you irrevocably to Ren. But as you lifted your heavy head, glancing up to stare into her young face, a face so very similar to your own, a face contorted in panic and sadness over her mother’s abrupt descent into madness… you realized it wasn’t her that you hated.

It was yourself.

Your daughter didn’t deserve this. She deserved normalcy. She deserved a father that didn’t pose a threat to her. She deserved a mother that wasn’t ruined by his hands. She deserved a happy and untroubled life, not to be stuck being raised in a barbed cage, navigating her way through life with nothing but the shattered remains of a battered woman to guide her.

“I’m so sorry,” you choked under the weight of your overwhelming emotions, snot and tears running freely down your ruddy cheeks and chin, “I’m so, so sorry baby…”

“What the hell is going on?”

You hadn’t heard the front door open, nor had you heard Ren’s jubilant greeting as he entered your home. He had no doubt been upset by the lack of welcome-it was one thing to be ignored by a child, but his doting wife? That was not something he was not apt to look past.

But surely any feelings of annoyance or frustration fled from his mind the moment he entered the room, his eyes falling upon your crumpled, messy form collapsed on the floor. You cursed his arrival, upset that he entered the scene at such a compromising time, right as you were struggling to regain an ounce of composure and properly apologize to the little girl who had done nothing wrong.

“D-daddy,” your daughter’s voice warbled as she barreled towards him, colliding into his waiting embrace. You wiped at your face in a desperate attempt to hide your previous outpouring of emotions, doing your best to avoid eye contact with Ren as his sharp gaze quickly flicked from you, to his daughter.

This had already become enough of a scene without Ren’s interference, it was best to try and begin damage control now.

“Daddy I-I made mommy cry!” Tears continued to pour from your daughter’s eyes, her face twisting into a look of pure dismay. Her misguided admission of guilt made you recoil, knowing full well it would grant her no favors with the person she seeking comfort from. “I’m really sorry daddy! I didn’t mean to!”

After several endless seconds of silence, Ren spoke.

“… You made her cry?”

His voice was far sharper than it needed to be, further agitating the precarious state of affairs. In most cases he would have offered your daughter leniency, letting her get away with far more than she probably should. However that leniency was null and void if you ended up suffering in the process. Ren could not forgive anyone that caused you any duress (himself, of course, being the exemption) even if that person was his own flesh and blood.

“What do you mean you made her cry? What the hell did you do to her?”

“I-I don’t know,” she wailed, a fresh wave of tears spurred on by the accusatory tone of her father’s voice, “I just told mommy I thought her marks were pretty and then she started crying! I wasn’t lying daddy, I like them! I think they make mommy look really pretty!”

“Her marks…?�� Ren’s look of vexation began to dissipate as the meaning of her words donned on him. He lifted his arm, rolling up his sleeve to reveal his own scars to the little girl. Pointing a clawed finger to them, he leaned down until he was looking her in the eye, “You mean like these?”

As she nodded her head vigorously in confirmation, Ren tutted, “That’s the reason for all the water works? An innocent compliment started all this fussing?” He scoffed, shaking his head, “Isn’t that a little bit… silly?

You tensed at the sound of his barking laugh, your frown deepening as an amused grin spread wider across his lips. You wished that you could say it was shocking for him to have such disregard after finding the two of you in such an agitated state, but it was painfully in character of him to shrug off your misery and suffering as inconsequential. How he could so nonchalantly normalize this hellish situation he kept you and your child ensnared in, you would never understand.

Your daughter was apparently sharing similar thoughts, as her face began to once more morph into a pre-sobbing scowl. She was no doubt wounded that her father was not offering her the comfort she was seeking, her emotional state already greatly weakened by her mother’s venomous tantrum.

To help quell another round of tears, Ren pulled the child closer, wrapping her up in his arms so that her tiny form was nearly enveloped by him. “Shhh, no more tears angel,” he cooed sweetly, patting her head gently to appease her, “There isn’t any reason to cry, especially because… Well, you’re right! Mommy’s whole body is pretty, isn’t it? Her marks just compliment the beauty that’s already there.”

Slowly but surely, her tears began to dissipate. Hunched over shoulders loosened, and sniffles and hiccups gave way to even breathing. Like clockwork, her father’s gentle handling soothed her, the same touch that destroyed you offering her salvation.

As if under a spell, the turmoil that had overcome your daughter quickly began to vanish, her sobbing fading into quiet sniffles. Once she was fully calmed, Ren continued speaking, “That’s all you meant to say to mommy, right angel? I’m sorry she took it the wrong way, she’s probably just tired or hungry, you know how mommy gets. She’ll get over it in no time flat!”

Heat spread through your body at his flippant dismissal of your feelings, an indignant blush lighting your cheeks as you gripped your hands tightly at your side. Your previous emotional episode left you all but drained, but your will to fight back against his callous commentary could never truly be contained.

“In fact, I bet she is already over it now,” Ren’s voice took on a jovial tone as he directed his focus solely on you, “Aren’t you, pumpkin?”

With the ball suddenly in your court, you flinched as both sets of expectant eyes fell on you. Your own eyes darted from Ren’s piercing glare, down to your daughter’s wide-eyed look of unbridled hope. You felt much like the rabbit that had been caught by the fox, stuck in a lose-lose situation. Seeing him hunched over her small body as she clutched to him as a life line, openly concerned that her mother may once more reject her while her father remained a bastion of strength and understanding, left you reeling. Either you would get heated again and stay the villain, but possibly hold on to an ounce of your dignity, or concede to Ren and have yet another piece of your soul wither away and die-the price to pay so that your daughter could remain in blissful ignorance for another day.

“Aren’t you, pumpkin?” He repeated himself slowly, enunciating each word. The kindness in his voice serving only as a mask for the threat buried beneath.

“Y-yes,” you responded quickly, shooting them both a smile you hoped was convincing, “I am very sorry, baby. Daddy is right. Mommy is just… tired.”

A serene smile lit her face, your words placating her. Seeing her happy once more helped relieve a bit of the ache in your own heart, making the lie worth it.

“Good, good,” Ren affirmed with a nod, carefully detaching himself from your daughter as he stood, “but you know little one, mommy deserves some love too, don’t you think? She may have been in the wrong, but it’s not nice to make her cry like that. Why don’t you go give her a hug, hm?”

With no further persuading necessary, she quickly padded over to you, hopping on your lap with so much enthusiasm that it nearly knocked the wind from you. Her arms tightly latched around your torso as she smushed her face into your chest, rubbing it back and forth like she was trying to burrow beneath your skin.

“I love you mommy,” her voice spoke clearly, any hint of previous sadness long gone. You sighed, relieved that this dramatic chapter was over as you pulled your daughter closer to you.

“I love you too.”

During this show of affection, Ren had made his way behind you, slinking so deftly you hadn’t even known he had moved until you heard him chuckle softly behind you.

“This is what I like to see,” he spoke with a sickeningly dreamy sigh, “nothing makes me happier than when my two girls are happy.”

He placed his hands gingerly atop your shoulders, trailing them down until they rested on your arms. His thumbs pressed gently against the marred skin, rubbing in a small circular motion in an attempt to subdue you. His claws grazed your flesh, uncomfortably scratching against you as they snagged against your skin.

He planted a firm and lingering kiss to the side of your head, pulling away just enough that his lips grazed the shell of your ear. “There really was nothing to cry about,” he whispered breathily, his words quiet enough that despite your daughters’ proximity, she would have no chance of hearing them. “It’s almost unfair how gorgeous you are, scars and all. But you must know that, right my sweet pet? I tell you all the time.”

Ren took in a deep breath, releasing it in a shaky sigh, “Seeing these scars reminds me of all we have been through, all that we share. They are a symbol of our bond.”

One of his claws pressed down sharply, a small bead of blood pooling around the piercing. Leisurely he began to drag his finger up your arm, a thin red line following in its wake. You shivered at the burning sensation, but deigned to give him any reaction further than that.

“Don’t forget pumpkin, these pretty marks are a reminder of my constant love for you.” He chuckled softly, peppering a few kisses to the back of your neck while his claws slowly sunk deeper, “And right now I am feeling terribly sentimental, so for old times’ sake, why don’t I add a few more to remind you just how precious to me you are~?”

285 notes · View notes

aajjks · 1 year

Text

yandere!BTS: you say you don’t love them.

disclaimer: this post contains dark heavy content, it is filled with themes that can be triggering for many, so viewers discretion is heavily advised. This is purely fictional and this does not represent bts members irl.

warnings: YANDERE CONTENT, crying, extreme jealousy, profanity, degradation, emotional manipulation, guilt tripping, obsessive behaviour and unhealthy relationship dynamics, mentions of punching someone.

note: BACK IN MY 2020 ERA HAHA. share your thoughts n feedback, after so long I’m finally writing for other members too, it felt really nice!!!! ENJOY!!!

Jimin:

You won’t even look at him.

“YN, look at me.” He has been begging you to look at him for the last couple of days. He feels like he will go insane if he doesn’t feel your gaze on him any longer.

Jimin knows you are upset. And you have every right to be, he’s always doing something to make you hate him even more. Why can’t he just learn to control his jealousy?

“YN please! I’m sorry!” He scoops in closer to you, he is so distraught, how can he fix this, this time he knows he fucked up bad.

Insulting your friends was a stupid thing to do, he’s learnt that by now, if only he wasn’t so blind with his jealousy.

“Fuck off, Jimin.” You groan at him, your face is tilted towards the other side and his hands grab your shoulders, but you are stubborn. “P-Please I’m sorry I told you I’ve realised my mistake!” How can he get you to forgive him?

“I hate you! You’re fucking immature and stupid!” Your words are like bullets to his chest, but he maintains his composure, he cannot start crying right now because he doesn’t want to prove you right.

“YN- I-I know… I’m sorry I fucked up bad, but p-please don’t say you hate me!” Jimin gasps in surprise as you finally turn towards him, your gaze settles on him.

“Y-YN!!!!! Thank God baby!” He leans in closer to hug you but you immediately stop him. “No. I’ve had enough, I need a break.”

His whole world crashes down in front of his eyes.

“W-What do you mean!?” His eyes are wide and glossy already, he cannot believe this, you are going to leave him? Just because of your shitty friends?

“Yes you heard me, I need space from you- fuck I don’t want to look at you!” You stand up and glare at him. “This is not the first time you’ve crossed a line Jimin!”

He follows you, “YN THIS IS ABSURD! I TOLD YOU THAT IM SORRY! Y-YOU CANT LEAVE ME! Not over s-such a small issue!”

“SMALL ISSUE? Oh God… why am I even trying with you! You’ll never understand!” You try to move past him but he is quick to block you, “n-no you can’t leave me! YOU LOVE ME!” His crescent eyes look back into yours with a dark hue in them.

You laugh, “I-I did love you but I don’t think that I love you anymore.”

“Y-You don’t mean that!” Jimin breaks down at your words, fat tears start rolling down his eyes, it always ends like this.

He always manages to make you feel guilty.

But this time you’ll stand to your ground. You have to leave him.

“YES I DO. And you can’t stop me anymore Jimin.”

Taehyung:

Taehyung is glaring at you.

“Quit being a brat already.” He rolls his eyes but you don’t respond, it irks him so much, he doesn’t like your silence.

Taehyung doesn’t know how to handle you, or himself if he’s being truthful. Your relationship with him is fragile, he knows, he can see it breaking into pieces that he won’t be able to pick up.

But he can’t let that happen.

“YN.” He calls out your name, “you know that I won’t let you go out so why are you even trying huh?” He grabs your face and caresses your skin gently.

It makes you sick, how can such a monster like him even try to act gentle with you.

“Don’t touch me.” You slap his hand away, he sighs softly, his eyes make you nervous, you know he’s holding back his anger.

“You know, you always manage to test my fuckin patience.” He laughs, you look at him with no emotion, he doesn’t mean anything to you, you don’t care about him, you don’t love him.

You’ve never loved him, you’ve always feared him.

“You’re so lucky that I love you YN, but you always have to act like an ungrateful bitch, don’t you?” His words are harsh just like his soul.

How can anyone ever love him.

“Taehyung I don’t love you.” You stare back at him with equal anger, “what? Don’t act like you didn’t know.” It’s your turn to roll your eyes at him, he’s biting the inside of his cheek.

The satisfaction of hurting his feelings washes over you, the man doesn’t move an inch though, his eyes are empty.

“Well you better start loving me or I’ll fucking kill you.”

Jungkook:

It’s eating him up, you’re fuming with anger.

He doesn’t know what to do, it’s too late anyways.

He already fucked up.

“FUCK YOU!” You spit at him, he can’t even look at you, his heart is thumping loud. Your voice is so loud that he cringes at the vibration. “YOU ARE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO BE WITH!”

He doesn’t feel guilty about it though, he just feels guilty about the fact that it happened in front of you. “SPEAK NOW! You don’t shut the fuck up when you should and now you’re fucking quite!” You cross your arms to your chest and stand in front of him.

“YN I’m sorry to disappoint you but I don’t regret it one bit.” He looks up at you and confesses, you study him and yes it’s true.

There’s no regret in his eyes.

“Of course.” Your voice is breaking. He can never change, and it hurts to realise that. “HE FLIRTED WITH YOU RIGHT INFRONT OF ME!”

He’s screaming at you, it’s scary how he doesn’t realise his actions.

“You fucking punched him. That’s it I’m DONE.”

You are crying at this point, “I th-thought that you could change, Jungkook but you can’t. And I can’t take this anymore, your behaviour is starting to make me hate you.” You start to move back from him as he moves closer to you.

“Y-YN you love me and I love you! That’s enough for us, a-and I only protected our love!” You are too slow to get away from him and he grabs your body,

“What love? This is not love at all, I should’ve realised that way before but I chose to ignore my instincts! I don’t think I love you anymore.”

“You are impossible to love, Jungkook.”

“W-What?” Jungkook looks broken, his hands leave your body finally, he falls down to the floor of your bedroom, his tears don’t escape his eyes.

He feels numb.

Just like how you’ve been feeling this entire relationship, you both are toxic for each other, you bring out the worst in him.

He needs to let you go.

“I-I love you- YOU LOVE ME. I won’t l-let you go! I WONT! No matter what you say!”

#yandere bts #yandere jungkook #yandere taehyung #yandere jimin #bts smut #jimin smut #taehyung smut #jungkook smut #yandere x reader #yandere au #jungkook x reader #taehyung x reader #jimin x reader #bangtan #yandere smut #smut

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princessgarnetxvi · 3 months

Text

Everything Johan did was For Anna/Nina

Everything Johan did was for Anna.

A “Monster” capable of love.

“What I’m most afraid of is…forgetting Anna. The strange lessons we have everyday… are making my memories fade. Please, don’t make me forget Anna. It’s only Anna and me in this whole world. Just give me that - please. Please.” – Johan Liebert”

I was very confused about the complexities of Johan's character up until the last handful of episodes. After rewatching the series for a 3rd time and exploring how Johan is portrayed in the manga, it became very clear to me that my initial opinions about Johan were basic and devalued the intricacies of Naoki's writing. From the beginning we are only TOLD by conflicting views, who Johan was. His character, in the fictional world as well as our own, is simply defined by an individual's perception of him and the story presented. However, if we dissect ALL of the themes and even the undertones Naoki presented to us through the world of characters; I think it would be evident that Johan was not committing heinous acts for superficial reasons such as simply being evil to be evil.

So what was the method to his madness?

I believe... Everything he did was for Anna.

(Yes this includes erasing himself from existence too )

Author's Note: I want to preface before you read on that although these essays are written in a sympathizing light that Johan has done PLENTY of wrong. This is not written in an attempt to dismiss his heinous acts lightly, but to simply understand the "Monster" of the series by tackling Johan's crimes deeper than the surface. I tried to make sense of Johan's every action in regards to his OVERALL PLAN and why Naoki presented them to us as viewers. For those who will nitpick the term "everything" quite literally, I want to make it clear that not E V E R Y S I N G L E A C T I O N Johan has taken coincides with his love for his sister; his actions towards the children specifically - because there are some things that had nothing to do with his "perfect plan" but more to do with attempting to build Johan's character and his view of the world us as viewers. Justifying ones actions vs. rationalizing ones actions are completely different. I am in no way attempting to discard the accountabilities that Johan should face for his actions, but instead trying to make sense of it all. I've analyzed Johan's crimes against children here: https://xprincessgarnetxvi.tumblr.com/post/691678531250487296/i-really-love-reading-your-essays-i-can However, this will explain the root of Johan's character and the core of his overall plan(s) that was committed for the sake of his sister from the very beginning to the end. The overarching theme and message of Monster is that there are no such thing as Monsters, only broken human beings capable of great evil; so we will humanize this great Monster in order to understand not only Johan Liebert, but the hows/whys Tenma/Nina was able to forgive him and ultimately find value in saving the life of this supposed Monster.

Before we begin, I'd like to take the time to thank you for reading! I can't wait to review your comments and further discuss this magnificent series of Monster!

Anna was set up from the beginning to become The “Monster” given she was the one who actually endured the experiments. Her tendencies are shown in glimmers throughout the show. The heartbreaking twist to it though... is that the only reason why she DID not become the beast, was because SHE ( unlike Johan ) HAD KNOWN REAL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

-Johan’s love and sacrifice is what kept her safe from the darkness he knew very well. He got his hands dirty to shield her. He chose to leave her behind in the care of her foster parents, knowing she would forget him, in order to heal.

He chose her than himself over and over; becoming her shadow; choosing to lose his only attachment to his already weakened identity in order for her to heal.

His love for her is why she never became a monster...and tragically, why Johan had.

Which reflects exactly what Mikhail Petrov (whose real name is Reinhart Biermann) said about his "PROFOUND DISCOVERY" concerning his current experiment on the children he had in his home; he said the children did not become animals because he gave them LOVE.

(Mikhail Petrov telling Grimmer how the children in his current experiment did not become Monster - it was because they had LOVE.)

In his own twisted way and view on things, he was protecting her. He killed every "parental" figure they had because he was betrayed by every adult figure in his life so far. People who mentioned calling the police, ended up finding out about their past - anything that could lead the man, who Johan referred to as “The Monster” into finding them, he disposed of.

The adults in their lives thus far would betray them, torture them, hurt them, throw them away- and forcefully separate them. In his severely abused mental state, any adult figure was a potential threat to his and Anna’s safety. So he’d kill in order to runaway from "the monster" and protect Anna. Then when Anna found out about the blood on his hands that fateful night the Monster paid them a visit, he realized that now he had become someone Anna feared - a different kind of Monster but all the similar to the one they were running from.

So he rationalized that now he needed to die.

In that moment, I think we should focus on his body language and expressions. Johan faced the ground. hardly picking up his eyes. His shoulders were sunken and he did not have that menacing little smile he usually had. Johan has killed in secret various times with Anna and back at Kinderheim.

So why was he so messy with the Lieberts?

Because he did not want to kill them - he said HE HAD TO.

It was not a calculated murder, because he was not truly calm and collected; He was afraid.

Lets not forget who Johan was up until that moment: the infamous little boy who provoked an entire riot and massacre by simply opening his mouth. With mere words he was able to sway the adults and children into doing what he wanted. BUT IN THAT MOMENT when Anna caught him red handed, he could not, or rather, would not - try and manipulate Anna.

(He has never once been shown trying to manipulate or abuse her throughout the entire series as he has done intentionally with the rest of the world.)

Instead, he asked her to shoot him and run - in an attempt to finally liberate her from the horrific life they had to lead up until now - blaming his existence for the constant chase their predator (Bonaparte) gave way to them as prey because in that moment, his memories were distorted and he believed he was the one who went to the Red Rose Mansion. **** (X) (this theory is challenged referenced below)

To Johan, him living was a danger to Anna and that night made it evident to him.

But when he was brought back to life and realized the gravity behind his methods, seeing how terrified Anna was of him - he started to cry. Because despite his initial feelings of finding his death absolutely necessary for her to be safe, he still wanted what he had with her; the only bond of love he ever knew.

What set his entire ADULT plan into motion (wiping out everyone who ever hurt Anna and created HIM) was Anna's rejection at the hospital. That was when he realized internally, he was beyond forgiveness and that he was nothing more than a monster. A Nameless monster in her reflection that needed to die in order for her to live in peace. (Referencing the God of Peace storybook. )

Johan was the one who gifted the God (Anna) her hat and then she saw herself as the Monster she was supposed to be due to the Red Rose Mansion experiments. This would NOT have happened if Johan did not give her the hat (the red hat which can symbolize the blood he spilled for her. ) so in this instance, Johan is also the reflection (you are me and I am you. They are both nameless monsters)

From that moment on, he wanted to wipe out his entire existence, and that meant those who ALSO "created" him so that Anna could heal as Nina.

I believe this is what is depicted in the Nameless Monster storybook.

Initially, we are made to believe Johan wanted to “consume everyone” so he would be the last one standing. The Monster known as Johan in the book also devours his counterpart, the Monster who went West and then there is no one left to call him by his name. But clearly, Johan never does this, because Johan never attempts to kill/devour Anna/Nina - because what it symbolizes is entirely different in nature regarding Johan’s intention.

A quick reminder that both Johan and Anna were considered Nameless Monsters. HOWEVER - by Johan’s hands, Anna does not remain “Nameless” nor does she ever become a “monster” the moment Johan decided to not only leave her behind in the hands of a loving family, but by her changing her name and her identity to Nina. The Fortners never made any implication that they knew of Nina’s past concerning the Lieberts murder and I believe this is because Johan introduced her as Nina to the Fortners and never allowed them to see the trail behind her identity as Anna Liebert.

Symbolically, Johan, as the Nameless Monster, consumed the Monster inside of Anna and became the only Monster left. This is what is mirrored in Johan’s intentions and the Nameless Monster storybook.

With Anna forgetting him and Johan leaving her behind thus losing his only connection to someone who truly knew him, now all that is left is Johan, without absolutely anyone to call him by his name - the one and only Nameless Monster.

And this is heavily referenced in Another Monster:

(This reinforces that Johan was trying to make Nina forget her past as Anna)

There wasn’t some sick satisfaction from any of his killings done when he was a child. To him, it was needed for the sake of her safety. This was Johan’s initial “plan.” set in motion. He wanted to be the only one left in the world with his sister - so that they wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore.

(I also believe at that point when they were kids, Johan's very first plan he referred to when telling Anna "Remember, I have a plan." was to run to another country with her so that the Monster will never find them. It is the only logical idea of a plan that a child could conjure following what he actually leads them to do, which was cross the border. Simply destroying the world is unreachable in his current state and Johan is smart enough to not be delusional in his endeavors. With that being said, he had to kill that old couple to erase any trail they may have left of "two beautiful blonde twins." But this plan fails because they nearly die at the Czech Border and was discovered. )

(Johan telling Anna he has a plan.)

RUHENHEIM:

One of the biggest moments in Ruhenheim has been misinterpreted and lost due to the mistranslations in both the English Dub and the Japanese subtitles.

I clarify and mend this by breaking down what Nina unraveled in Boneparte’s house when she looked at the portraits by correctly translating the Japanese script/text in depth here on this post:

But to summarize it for the purpose of this essay, it was revealed to us as viewers that Johan apologized to Anna when she returned from the Red Rose Mansion, revealing the overwhelming weight of guilt he carried when Anna had been taken that day.

(That day depicts the moment their mother made the terrible 'Choice')

and then Johan accepts his mother will never return to them (assuming she abandoned them) and goes on to tell Anna this:

Johan is the one crying because soon after, Nina tells us that Johan was in that room crying.

This information provides clarity as to why Nina was finally able to understand Johan, empathize with him enough to be able to forgive him. She remembered he was a boy who felt guilty over what happened to her; a boy who cried when he realized they were now all alone in the world. She understood that Johan desperately did anything and everything to ensure he and Anna survived despite it all.

That Rainy Night:

I want to GREATLY EMPHASIZE the important factor I missed my first time watching the scenes with Johan/Anna - the scenes shown to us were ONLY through her recollection as fragments due to her memory loss. They were told from what she COULD remember, so her take on what really happened that rainy night the first few times the events are unfolded before us should not be taken as absolute. At least...up until it is revealed in the final episodes that Anna realized that on that night instead of seeming like an empty shell of a person asking for death, Johan was crying and crying before she shot him.

The scene where Anna finds the portraits reveals what truly happened between them and its so important. She said “Johan was crying “here” just like before.” She was mimicking a memory she had just recalled in its entirety. “Why are you crying, why are you crying?” She sounded in distress. Directly after she reveals that she remembers him crying, it shows the image of him pointing at his head that rainy night.

Even though Johan told her to shoot him, it is IMPORTANT that he was crying and the author highlights this for a reason.

I believe that, finally being able to vividly remember that day finally revealed to her that Johan wasn’t the “face of absolute evil” she initially dismissed him to be; he was a boy/man who could cry and mourn - he was human. He was a terrified boy protecting Anna and himself the only way he knew how. and instead of showing him forgiveness/love - she added on to his collection of wounds scarred upon his soul from everyone else who chose to harm him.

Tenma...was ultimately the ONLY one in his life who showed him kindness.

Johan's intentions and reasons behind many crimes: Essay II.

( I will summarize it here as the extension essay was far too long to put on this post)

**** (☓) I want to ask, did Johan truly believe he was the one who went to the Red Rose Mansion or was that simply a masquerade he performed to make sure Anna did not remember?

(I wrote an essay on this being a possibility here: PART 2 OF THIS ESSAY. This will explain Johan's intentions in depth)

(this is a theory I FIRMLY believe and have completely adopted. But for the sake of argument, I will entertain both concepts behind Johan's memory in this essay.)

If we entertain the idea that Johan never misconstrued his memories about the Red Rose and pretended he did, I can dissect Johan’s intentions a bit more intricately.

Throughout the series you see that he is trying to wipe everyone who knew of what happened to Anna off the face of the earth, that included himself. He did not want Anna to remember. So when it was revealed she did remember, he mourned. It was subtle but evident in the anime when she reveals “you are wrong.” something in him shifted - for once he was reacting to the words of another.

She said "he had a smile but seemed like he was crying. I never seen such an expression on his face before." That entire scene, Johan’s eyes expressed something we’ve never seen from him throughout the series - a sense of mourning or longing?

Johan in front of Anna always appeared the most human and I feel Naoki did this with purpose.

(Naoki specifically told the directors/animators of the anime series to never stray from how he expressed Johan's eyes for a very important reason. )

Johan's expression finally meeting Anna after 13 years apart.

If, however, Johan DID truly think he was the one who suffered at the red rose mansion, his “perfect suicide” plan still relates to his twisted-selfless feelings for Anna.

Johan learns it was not him that suffered at the Red Rose Mansion...but Anna instead. and then Johan goes on to commit the "perfect suicide." In his plan to die, he wanted to take The Monster with him, forcing Bonaparte to endure the same exact hell he forced Anna to suffer as a child.

Call it an act of revenge. Some may think Johan is incapable of being vengeful but I cannot see this cruel and calculated act as anything other than malice. After Bonaparte was finally dead, the monster disposed of - Johan was ready to die.

But you can see his conviction began to slip away when Anna forgave him. What made it worse was realizing he was wrong about Tenma because even now, Tenma was still hesitating on killing him ruthlessly like he always presumed would happen. Johan thought he had humans all figured out - after all, all Johan has EVER known was the darkness in people’s hearts. That is why he was so confused/moved by Tenma and wanted so desperately to prove him wrong.

The manga portrays Johan’s expressions 1000X BETTER THAN THE ANIME. As soon as Anna arrives, Johan is just staring at the floor, unable to look at her - Repeating everything from that fateful rainy night when they were kids. But this time, Anna doesn’t kill him, she chooses love and compassion. and when she says she forgives him - his reaction is something the anime does not do justice

(The subtle shift the artist expressed in his eyes from her words is so significant but missed in the anime; but he reacts rather deeply, moved and shocked by her words.)

Because "Forgiveness is the remission of sins. For it is by this that what has been lost, and was found, is saved from being lost again."

In the manga he isn’t quick to reply. He ponders over her words carefully and I think this is when his mind starts panicking.

Anna realized that forgiveness was the one thing he wanted that night she shot him, despite him also thinking his death was needed. His value depended on her view of him; and what she once robbed from him was now returned - a human being worthy of forgiveness instead of a monster.

He is telling her the evident truth that he cannot turn back because he TRULY believes Tenma is going to kill him any moment.

Johan refuses her forgiveness not because he resents her or thinks its too late for her to redeem herself - but because he doesn’t think he deserves it. “There are somethings that cannot be undone.” Because it is too late, Johan is going to die - he WANTS to die. Then you see the fear and helplessness in his eyes after getting the one thing he always wanted [ Anna’s forgiveness] because he desperately wanted to die as the only thing he knew himself to be: the nameless, nonexistent monster. But both Anna and Tenma rob him of that by bestowing upon him the gift of compassion, mercy and empathy; for the first time treating and valuing him like a human being instead of a monster,god,experiment, devil etc., as everyone around him has his entire life.

(The Monster inside of Johan begins to crumble.)

Johan in his final moments was cracking and finally falling apart. You see it in the final expression he makes: the distraught, confusion and sadness. Because he realized, he was wrong about people, he was wrong about the world. But how can we blame him for his view on humanity when all he has ever been shown since birth was how ugly, selfish, cruel and inhumane people can be?

How can we expect someone who has only seen darkness to be able to find the light?

I want to clarify one thing I noticed: Johan has never shown to take any kind of sick satisfaction from killing unlike all the other serial killers being interviewed in the series. (aside from Richard) Specifically, Johan is without "the lust for murder" as Lunge explains in Another Monster - which is why Johan hired other people to kill for him instead. Especially contrasting Johan with Roberto, specifically, when Roberto tries to kill Anna.

(that is until Richard, which makes Johan's dealings with him stand out for a reason. He doesn't even take pleasure in killing the Red Hiddenburg, he leaves before witnessing her death instead of reveling in his 'checkmate' coming to fruition.)

Despite his callousness and his lack of care for life - Johan, despite how much of a "monster" he was, very clearly had humanity and had love....for his sister most of all. Johan saw when his mother choose, how little their lives meant to her and this instilled his nihilism at such a young age. He watched Anna get tossed to the wolves like nothing and in that moment, he probably thought his mother chose Anna over him for a reason. (even though the question on her intention would haunt him for the rest of his life) But her being able to choose is what hurt him the most and it's probably what instilled his self sacrificing mentality to care for Anna above the world in order to never make the same mistake his mother had.

That is why after she got back from the Red Rose Mansion, he cried for her story and apologized as if it was his responsibility to feel guilty over what happened to her. It should have been him that suffered. Then after, he treats her with the upmost care, telling her everything is hers, no matter what she will win everything because he would deem it so. He is kind to her, never letting go of her hand even when she is dragging behind - he sacrificed all of himself for her...

Because she deserved everything in the world to contrast their mother throwing her away.

(it should be noted that the Lieberts did not want Anna either but only adopted her because Johan refused to leave the orphanage without her. Which is also why I believe he killed them when Bonaparta came because he thought the Lieberts were conspiring with Bonaparta to get Anna)

🌰 (The ‘Acorn game’ represents their Mother's choice, a child in each hand. But in this version, Johan would ensure that no matter what hand Anna chooses, she will NEVER choose wrong. He manipulates the fate behind her choices by holding two acorns instead of one; never letting her make the same mistake as her mother.)

He wanted her to know above all else, she was loved.

A clear indication of this adoration/attachment he has for her is the fact that he DOES NOT forget her even after enduring the hellish experiments in Kinderheim that aimed at wiping out / messing around with his memories.

I wrote this because I was astounded to see various posts/Wiki pages implying that Johan’s intentions were to torture Anna and make her kill herself. Telling her to shoot him was his first attempt to drive her insane? They twisted a lot of things Johan did to try and make this statement true. But I cannot comprehend how they drew this conclusion? The series has characters mentioning on more than a few occasions that Anna is dear to Johan. "He is lost with you."

Everyone knew Anna was important to Johan, Professor Geidlitz was the first to mention this besides the old blind man. Roberto was aware of this which is why he tried to kill her as mentioned in Another Monster. Which is ALSO why Peter Capek tried to hold her hostage to prevent Johan from killing him.

and for the first time, Johan DOESN'T kill him.

Johan cried when he awoke at the hospital after he reached for his sister and she screamed in fear of him. His face full of tears - his heart completely broken. If his intention was to drive Anna insane, he would have triumphed in that moment she screamed and fell to the ground after he reached out to her. But instead he mourned.

Anna has mentioned several times that Johan has cried for her, like when he was in the room full of their happy portraits, he was crying. He never once tried to bring harm to Anna - not intentionally towards her person. Explaining the Fortners murder - either he killed the Fortners after they decided to keep lying to her, thus keeping him in the shadows when he wanted to return. OR he killed them because they were going to tell her the truth about her identity, which was something Johan worked to conceal. (this theory is explained thoroughly in essay #2 )

Regardless, if he wanted to torment her, he would not have tried to lure her away to the castle when he set up the Fortners to be killed.

They imply that Johan wanted to torture her and then kill her at the end. But that makes absolutely no sense. Where in the storyline does Johan give off this tendency towards her? Even at the end he told her where to meet him in Ruhenheim and not once did he try to shoot her or Tenma. Honestly, if he really wanted to provoke Tenma to shoot him, he would have held the gun to Anna instead of a random child. But even though being shot by Tenma was his greatest endeavor, he refused to point the gun at someone who was important to Tenma...because Anna, is important to Johan too.

To say Johan, despite being hailed as the Monster of the series, had no love or humanity in him and was merely the Devil himself...completely missed the point of the story...

I’d like to point out the constant mentioning of Hitler in this story and draw another important factor...Hitler brainwashed people to commit mass genocide. Under his rule, millions perished in horrific ways. But despite that...Hitler was capable of loving others. Hitler was also loved by others. The terrifying truth about people who commit atrocities...is that they are not monsters or demons or devils...

they are merely human.

Here’s two passages from ANOTHER MONSTER [novel post Monster written by Naoki] that really drives this point:

- PSA: My twin brother FINALLY finished his 2 HOUR Johan Analysis Essay, that dives deeper into Johan's character. This essay and essay #2 will be included in this analysis video as we both worked on it together. However, this lays out the details visually and with beautiful music. Please watch!

youtube

#anna liebert #Nina Fortner #Johan Liebert #Naoki Urasawa's Monster #Monster anime #Naoki Urasawa #Anime twins #Dr. Tenma #Kenzo Tenma #Franz Bonaparta #Leovoid #Johan #Liebert twins #Monster meta #anime meta #Youtube

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pastshadows · 3 months

Text

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 17: Let Me Forget

Summary: After a year of blissful cohabitation, Astarion disappears without a trace, leaving behind a heartfelt letter explaining his departure. Determined to find him, you traverse Faerûn in search of your lost love, only to realize that some absences are meant to be permanent.

Returning to Waterdeep, you find solace in the company of Gale as you come to terms with Astarion's absence. But just as you begin to heal, Astarion reappears, begging for a second chance at love.

The question looms: can you forgive his abandonment and trust him once more? As you grapple with your emotions and trauma, a sinister force lurks in the shadows, targeting you for unknown reasons.

With danger closing in, you must navigate the treacherous waters of trust, love, and betrayal to uncover the truth behind the mysterious entity's motives. Will you be able to reunite with Astarion while facing the demons of your past? Can you unravel the secrets that threaten your very existence?

Setting: Post End-Game. Mostly canon compliant.

Word Count: 6.4K

Content: Explicit 18+ - intended for mature audiences.

Warnings: [Additional tags will be added, but expect mature content / read at your own risk.]

Spoilers. Mentions of in-game missable content. Violence. Sexual Assault [Implied/attempted sexual assault: Chapter 7]. Past Trauma. Murder. Death. Longing. Sexual themes. Smut. Blood drinking. Angst. Innuendos. High use of sarcasm. Completely fabricated camp interactions. Panic attacks. Anxiety.

With the medley of parchment laid out on Gale’s lengthy kitchen table, the silence hangs heavily over the room, suffocating the air with an oppressive stillness and unspoken words. The only sound is the angry rain, drumming on the grand, arched windows, and the raging wind that buffets the manor with forceful gusts.

It is a foreboding sound. You have never been afraid of storms; you enjoyed watching them before, but you find yourself closing your eyes at every quaking groan of Gale’s tower and every rattle of the windows as they hold out against the blustery squalls.

Gale finally takes one piece of parchment and examines it. His brows furrow, and he rubs his chin. Eventually, his eyes flit up to Astarion.

“Dal’s.” Astarion sighs, answering the unasked question. Wracking his fingers through his hair, he points to each piece. “Petras’s. Yousen’s. Violet’s.”

Shadowheart’s voice is softer than normal when she speaks. “Where are your siblings, Astarion?”

“In the Underdark, as far as I know.” He shrugs. “I never returned to see them.”

Your hand coasts over the indented, scarred skin of your arm from the time you visited the Underdark. “They were in the Underdark. They were using the Arcane Tower as a home.”

“You saw them?” Astarion asks. “All of them?”

“Dal, Petras, and Leon were definitely there, as well as the spawn we set free.” Your fingernails bite into your scars as you try to repress the memory. “I’m not sure about the others.”

“Did they say anything?” Astarion turns to you with his speech a little more rapid than usual. “Anything at all?”

“It was many moons ago, Astarion. They weren’t interested in talking to me much, but no, they never mentioned someone was hunting them or requesting to sketch their scars.”

“Why do they have scars written in Infernal?” Hecat’s brows furrow as she regards the symbols. “It’s pieces of a contract.”

“We know.” Shadowheart says brusquely. “We know what it says and what it’s about. What we don’t understand is why it’s here.”

“Do you have scars like this, Astarion?” Hecat asks carelessly.

Your whole body immediately tenses, but you master yourself and attempt to appear unruffled by her inquisition. Astarion is capable of deciding how to answer this for himself.

“I do,” he nods. “A… gift from my old master.”

“Who must be dead?” Hecat presumes, still trying to make sense of everything. You’re not sure how much you want her to know. “Since you’re here and all, and still a spawn.”

“Yes, he’s dead.” Astarion answers calmly, but he subtly rests his hand on your thigh, and you realize his fingers are trembling.

Taking his hand, you give it a reassuring squeeze. He squeezes back while breathing deeply. It is not something you’re used to seeing him do unless he’s trying to calm you. It alerts you to his unease, setting you further on edge.

“I suppose I will ask the question none of us want to.” Shadowheart surmises with her lips pressed together and a clenched jaw. “Why are Astarion's siblings' scars drawn on pieces of paper we found in a manor hidden by illusion magic?”

You frown and chew on your bottom lip. “Is it possible that another Vampire Lord can try to fulfill the contract?”

Gale shakes his head. “We destroyed everything that even dared hint at that ungodly ritual.”

“We destroyed the paper trail.” You nod and glance at Astarion.

“But not the pawns of it.” He finishes, looking down at his lap. “The only people living who might be able to tell someone how to complete the ritual are my siblings, me, and all of you.”

“Hells.” Gale rasps, his hand rubbing his forehead. “Do you really think that’s what this is all about?”

“It makes sense,” you murmur. “But what we don’t know is if they are trying to collect the spawn that are already marked for sacrifice or if they simply need the markings on them.”

“Either way, they will collect them.” Astarion concludes bitterly, with one corner of his lips curling up in contempt. “Likely to make sure no one else has access to those markings. Furthermore, the spawn we set free in the Underdark will be rounded up as well. A Vampire Lord is not going to waste time making 7,000 spawn if there are already that many running around in the Underdark who have been conveniently carved up already. Gods. I knew I should have killed them.”

“So, what do we do?” Gale paces around, clearly agitated. “What can we do?”

“There are still two of Astarion’s siblings unaccounted for.” You sit back in your chair. “Maybe Astarion and I should visit the Underdark. If they are rounding up his siblings, maybe we can get to them before they do.”

“And bring them where, exactly?” Astarion spits, twisting in his chair to look at you. “Certainly not here.”

“Not here, but maybe our house?” Astarion’s brows pinch together, and his mouth snaps shut. You continue, “It’s well hidden; they can hunt in the forests, and it’s already set up for the particular needs of a vampire.”

You’re not particularly fond of the idea of letting them stay in your house. It feels like an encroachment, but it is the best idea you have right now. Judging from Astarion’s sour expression, he, too, is not pleased with it.

“Kamena…” Gale’s hands rest on the back of a chair, and he looks at you with his expression clouded by somberness. “I don’t wish to overstep, my friend, but are you certain it’s a good idea for you to return there?”

Astarion quirks a brow at you, and your hand moves to cover the scars everyone is now staring at. You ignore the urge to get as far away from this conversation as you can and take deep breaths. Admittedly, you don’t want to return there, but you don’t want to stay here either.

If you’re being completely honest, you would take Astarion, disappear, and never look back. If this Vampire Lord is truly after the contract in an attempt to complete the ritual, then Astarion is in peril staying here. You should be getting him as far away from here as you can.

But you cannot leave your friends, who are now tangled up in this mess.

“Thank you for your concern, Gale, but I’m fine.” You lie, and you’re rather impressed that you manage to keep your voice steady and strong. “What do you think, Astarion?”

“I think the more of my siblings we can keep away from them, the better, but I do not relish taking you into a den of vampire spawn who are likely feral.” Astarion rubs his eyes, squeezing them shut hard, creasing the corners. “Perhaps it would be best if I went alone.”

The thought of Astarion leaving makes your heart thud in your chest, seizing and being crushed under his words. He promised he would never leave you alone again, and now he’s trying to.

You try to breathe deeply, but the air seems unfathomably thin, and you feel like you’re drowning. Your eyes feel frozen open, just staring at the table but not really looking at it.

He wants to leave.

He wants to leave me alone again.

Would he ever come back?

Does he want to come back?

Squeezing your eyes shut, you try to gag that voice in your head that tells you to run, to break his heart before he can break yours, and to repress the whirling thoughts of loneliness, abandonment, and dread.

Is this just his way of trying to get away from me?

“Kamena?” Astarion touches your shoulder featherlight, but it still makes you jump up.

Your chair falls backward and clatters to the floor, and you stare the confused faces at the table. You ball your hands into fists at your sides so that they can’t see how badly you’re trembling.

“Excuse me.”

It takes considerable effort to force yourself to walk down the hallway as nonchalantly as you can, but as soon as you get out of sight, you pick up speed and jog to your room. No matter how hard you try, the panic continues to grow like thorny vines around your nerves, and your breath comes rapidly through parted lips.

You need a distraction from this downward spiral, so you grab the lock and thieves’ tools Astarion gave you to practice and draw a bath. Sitting in the tub, you listen to the soothing sound of running water, place the lock on a stool, kneel and hunch over the edge, and start trying to replicate what Astarion has shown you.

Your fingers still tremble fretfully with both tools in hand, and you cannot, for the life of you, find the first pin in this stubborn hunk of metal. Even as your trembling settles and your mind stops its incessant whirling, you cannot get the stupid lock to turn even slightly.

How many times has Astarion shown me this?

Would he give you a defective lock you never had any chance of opening? Yes, you think he would. He would find that to be quite humorous once you figured it out. You peer into the keyhole to see if any of the mechanisms look... Well, fuck. You’re unsure what you should even be looking for, and you frown at the lock with spite.

“You are staring at that lock like it has personally offended you.” Astarion chuckles, leaning his shoulder on the frame of the archway.

“It has,” you grumble. “It will not fucking open!”

“May I join you?” Astarion points to the bath.

You nod, continuing to try to manipulate the lock while he undresses and slips behind you. His arms wrap around your waist, and he presses the sculpted planes of his chest into your back, hovering over you to watch your incompetent attempts while he rests his chin on your shoulder.

“I can veritably hear you scowling at me, you know.”

“Hells below.” Astarion groans dramatically. “This is truly painful to observe.”

His arms come around you, and his cool hands grip yours as his expert fingers guide the tools in your hand to demonstrate again. He turns the tools slowly, performing some sort of Rogue devilry, you’re quite sure, until you feel a small pop and hear a metal clink.

“Feel that?” Astarion glances at you, kissing your cheek. “That’s what you’re looking for.”

He relinquishes his control and goes back to resting his head on your shoulder with his arms tangled around your waist. He murmurs, “Are you okay?”

“You told me you wouldn’t leave me alone again,” you say shakily, swallowing the burbling fear. You hate how pathetic you sound. “Where you go, I go. Remember?”

“The Underdark is dangerous — far more dangerous now than it was when we went gallivanting down here.”

You hold your scarred arm out for him to see before going back to tending to the lock. The distraction is helpful, allowing you to focus instead of spiralling. “I’m well aware of how dangerous it is down there now.”

Astarion’s hand glides down your arm, his fingers brushing over each indented blemish gently. “Are you going to tell me what in the Hells happened down there?”

“I don’t know.” You answer truthfully. “The short version of it is that the spawn down there are feral and starved, and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“I suspect there is far more to it than that.” Astarion rubs your back in soothing circles, kissing the back of your shoulder softly. “Alright, fine. Where I go, you go, and vice versa from now on, yes?”

You glance over your shoulder into crimson eyes. “Promise?”

He sweeps a lock of your hair back from your cheek and places his hand on his chest, above his heart. “You have my word.”

You nod with a small smile and return to the lock in your hands before your mind can whisper and pull you under into a riptide of doubt. Astarion brushes his fingers through your hair, untangling any knots as he goes gently. It is entirely distracting, and one of the sharp tools slips from your grasp.

“Focus, darling,” he tuts, picking up the tool off the floor and handing it back to you.

“I think this lock is faulty,” you huff in annoyance.

Astarion has always made lockpicking look like child’s play. Most locks take him a matter of seconds to pick; even the ones in the Counting House only took minutes at the most.

“Do you really think I would do that to you?” Astarion laughs when you quirk an accusatory brow at him over your shoulder. “Fine. Fine. I might for a laugh, but I assure you, this lock is perfectly fine. You’re just too impatient.”

You groan, rolling your eyes, and take a deep breath, focusing on the task at hand. A low growl of frustration rumbles in your chest as the tool catches on something and refuses to budge.

Astarion chuckles as he takes control once more to correct the position of your fingers. “You cannot just brute force it like some barbarian. You must be patient, focus, listen to it, and tend to its unique needs.” His fingers brush the back of your hand softly. “Much like making love.”

“For the love of...” you scoff. “Did you really just make that comparison?”

He helps you rotate the metal rods deftly, pressing his body further into yours. “You’ll find it to be accurate. Every lock is different and requires a personalized approach. You cannot just shove the tools in the hole like an oaf and expect it to open and reveal its secrets.”

“You’re making it sound intentionally sexual in nature.”

“I cannot be blamed for the fact that dexterity comes in handy in a variety of situations.” He says, clicking his tongue softly. His lips ghost along the ridge of your ear to the tapered tip, and he whispers, “It is how I make love to you, no? Listen to your body, read your mood, and tend to your needs.”

Heat rushes to your face, reddening your cheeks, and your heart jolts in your chest, escalating into a quickened pace as his words play your heartstrings like a lyre.

“My mood?” You rasp with a silvery timbre.

The pop of another pin clinks. Astarion rescinds his control but keeps his hand poised near yours, skimming the back of your hand with his fingertips to encourage you to keep going.

“Yes, your mood." Astarion drawls, "Sometimes you want it tender and loving, and other times rough and wild. Sometimes you want to control; sometimes you want to be controlled. It all depends on your mood, really.”

You swallow hard, finding it extremely difficult to concentrate all of a sudden. Shivers spread across your body, prickling your skin as Astarion’s lips ghost along the back of your neck, raining kisses down your spine.

Your hands jitter in the lock, making the rods ting against the metal housing.

“You’re awfully distracted.” Astarion coos.

The heat seems to drain from your face and into your lower abdomen, flaring at the seductive, husky baritone of his taunting.

You clear your throat. “And what mood would you say I am in today?”

“Hmm…” Astarion hums lowly. He regards you silently for a moment, as if reading a particularly interesting chapter of a book. “I think today you want to be taken, claimed, fucked. Perhaps, if you’re a very good girl, I will give you what you desire if you can unlock that lock.”

His knee nudges between your legs, edging them further apart, and his hand cups the curve of your ass, giving it a teasing squeeze. Your mouth drops open as his fingers trail through your folds and settle on the intensely aching flesh.

Your hips jerk, and your fingers quiver, nearly dropping the tools, but Astarion's other hand steadies your grip. “Focus,” he purrs, starting to rub circles around the throbbing border of your clit. “Keep a firm grip on it now. Try rotating it to the right a little.”

He cannot possibly expect you to keep focused like this, and you let out something between a whimper and a mewl, frustration and desire mixed. With his free hand, Astarion takes control of yours, guiding the tool in your fingers to turn the mechanism as his fingers change the direction of their circling — counterclockwise, clockwise, and back — in whatever way he makes you twist the lock.

Another metallic pang comes from the opening, but you barely hear it underneath your gasps. “Hear that? You’re nearly there.” He groans, pressing chaste kisses down your neck. “Keep going, love. You’ve got this.”

You are nearly there, but not in the way he’s implying. “Astarion… I can’t... Gods. Not when you’re-”

“When I am what?” He increases his pace, making you slump over and moan, closing your eyes against the pleasure. “If you stop, so will I.”

Good Gods. There is almost nothing you wouldn’t do to get him to continue, so you force your eyes to open, center them on the lock, and try to continue manipulating the godsforsaken device.

Astarion presses his erection against your lower back with a shaky groan. He drags his finger up and down your seam, teasing your entrance, and then back to circling your demandingly pulsing pearl. The sensation is too overwhelming, making your core spasm involuntarily, and the tools drop from your hands in favour of holding onto the edge of the bathtub for dear life.

His ministrations pause instantaneously. “The tools do you no good unless you use them, darling.”

You roll your hips in a vain attempt to get any friction, but Astarion grasps them and forces them to remain still. You lean back into him; his cock pulses against you, and despite his outward poise, the low grunts and growls in his throat tell you that he’s losing his composure.

“Astarion,” you whimper in disapproval. It takes everything you have not to take matters into your own hands, so to speak.

“You want more?” He taunts, with a featherlight stroke to entice you. “Go on then. Unlock it.”

You smile at his choice of words and grin at him mischievously. Before he has time to correct himself, your fingers dance, the incantation rolls off your tongue, and the lock clicks open for you.

Astarion chuckles — rich and low. He kisses your shoulder, clicks his tongue, and tuts. “That’s cheating, Kamena.”

“You said unlock it,” you tease. “You didn’t specify how.”

“You naughty little vixen,” he scolds, kissing up the column of your neck. He whispers, letting his cool breath fan your heated skin. “I have half a mind to withhold your prize.”

“What does the other half of your mind say?” You press into his arousal, rocking your hips side to side.

“Fuck it."

His fingers clutch your chin, turning your head in a possessive hold, and he kisses you ravenously. You only feel the blunt head of Astarion’s cock at your entrance for a moment before he drives himself to the hilt with a swift snap of his hips.

Your eyes roll back, and Astarion’s hand covers your mouth to smother the loud, rapturous cry.

“We are not at home any longer,” he grunts as he pulls back slowly, so you can feel every crest of his swollen head exquisitely drag across your ridges. “Are you going to stay quiet, or shall I keep you quiet?”

There is no hope that when you speak, your words will be intelligible, and you simply put your hand over the one covering your mouth to let him know he should keep it there, lest the entire household know what carnal depravity you’re partaking in.

“As you wish,” he purrs, nipping at your shoulder and snaking an arm around your waist to hold you steady.

Your thighs tremble as you ride out the relentless pace Astarion sets. The bath water splashes over the edges of the tub with every one of his powerful thrusts. Every thought shatters into fireworks that burst behind your eyes, and all your doubts are drowned away as he slams into you, hitting a spot so deep that it makes your legs weak.

“You are mine,” he growls, dark and dominating.

Yes. Yours. Make me forget every month, day, second I spent without you. Make me forget.

I want to forget.

Astarion’s fangs crawl down your neck and sink into your flesh with a quick snap of his jaw. He doesn’t ask permission, but he knows he doesn’t need to. He plays with your clit, the pads of his fingers rubbing and circling, and the combination of all these sensations borders on overwhelming.

The world seems to fall away around you, and all that’s left is you, him, and devastatingly intense ecstasy. Your hand drops and grasps Astarion’s thigh, fingers squeezing the taut muscles, feeling them work as he pounds into you unrelentingly. You’re a moaning, whimpering, mindless mess as the pleasure grows and grows until every nerve is humming with blissful tension. A loud moan rumbles in Astarion’s chest, and the tension snaps suddenly like an overwrought elastic band.

You come, hard and loud, thighs shaking, hips rocking into him, every shockwave clenching upon his thickness so strongly that it draws ragged breaths from his throat.

He removes his fangs from your neck. “Kiss me,” he orders.

Even though your spirit feels like it’s just finding its footing back in your body, you turn your head with parted lips, blinking at him slowly. Your blood is smeared across his silken mouth, dripping down his chin. His eyes are glossy with genuine pleasure as he moulds his lips to yours.

Astarion’s hand wraps around your throat, and he buries his cock as deep as you can take him thrust after sensational thrust. He entices your lips to part, his tongue eagerly seizing the whimpers and sighs from your throat.

His hips stutter, eyes squeezing shut, and he cries in your mouth as his cock twitches and pulses, spilling his seed deeply inside you as he unravels in the Eden of his climax.

You both slump forward as you catch your breath, holding onto the edge of the bathtub for support. Astarion’s hand slips from your throat to just under your breasts, and he keeps you pressed firmly to his chest, supporting your still-trembling body.

In his arms, you feel safe and secure.

Yet, there is a voice at the back of your head that warns you not to get too comfortable being this in love because if his life is in danger and being in Waterdeep with you puts him in mortal peril, you will send him away.

You will break his heart to save his life — even if it breaks you.

The shadows spread out around you, with only the soft bioluminescent glow of crystals, flora, and your small fire providing any illumination to the hopeless dark. You gaze at the fire, absently morphing it into shapes of things you miss from the surface — the sun, trees, birds.

Astarion.

How long have you been down here trying to track down his siblings and the 7,000 vampire spawn you set free?

Days? Weeks? Months?

Long enough for your skin to start losing the kiss of the sun.

When the flaming figure looks up from the book in his hands and waves at you, tears start to prick your eyes, and you curse under your breath as you relinquish your control and the fire rolls down into its natural state.

You know better than to allow your mind to wander. Why you keep doing this to yourself, you’ll never understand.

You glance around your little, makeshift, one-person camp situated in a spot you remember well. You thought it would bring you comfort to stay where you have happier memories, but the barrenness is only another aching reminder of his absence. Sighing, you grab the edges of your bedroll and start wrapping it up. You left your tent months ago when it became too threadbare and worn to be of much use other than slowing you down.

Your fingers comb through your knotted hair quickly and tie it back. It’s not been properly washed in some time, and it feels stringy and gritty against your hands. You look briefly around the camp before walking down the little slope, taking particular care to evade the spore clouds from the timmask.

Picking up where you left off the day before, you follow the path and keep a keen eye on the ground. Without the banter from your friends, an eerie silence spreads in all directions around you.

But that’s how it’s been for months — just you, the road, and your nightmares.

You crouch down, studying the tracks in the silt. Pressing your fingers into the dirt, you find it to be dry and dusty this far away from the lake. The ground would not hold impressions for long.

I’m getting closer.

Something snaps in the murk, making you jump to your feet and study the surroundings, but the darkness is deep and obscure.

“Hello?”

The stillness doesn’t answer.

My mind is playing tricks on me again.

After adjusting your pack, you do your best to follow the trail. The Arcane Tower looms in the distance, a spire that seems to blend in with the gloomy atmosphere except for the burning braziers giving off their blue glow. A flurry of pebbles bounces down a nearby cliff, clattering against the stone. Perception heightens all your senses, your skin prickles, and your hair stands on end.

You’re being watched, tracked, and hunted.

Casting Misty Step, you vanish and reappear, swiftly descending into a crouch, shrouded in darkness. Frenzied red eyes and dirty, gaunt faces begin to appear with their fangs bared in deranged toothy grins that spell danger. They scent the air, and their eyes snap directly to your position, their fingers poised in front of them, ready to claw their prey.

They twitch and quiver, snarling and hissing like feral animals. You try to speak to them, but your words fall flat, muted by malnourishment and bloodlust. You search the faces for someone you recognize, but good Gods, they are filthy, cadaverous, and emaciated.

Hells. Are they suffering because I didn’t have the strength to end it when I could have?

You do the only thing you can and run. Their pursing footsteps thunder like a stampeding herd of Bulette. You sprint, pushing your body to careen over the uneven terrain faster, faster, faster until your muscles burn and cramp.

But it is not fast enough.

You scream for Astarion as your mind blanks momentarily from panic, but he’s not here; he’s never here, and he never will be again.

You trip.

Gods.

You trip on rocks and gnarled roots, scraping your knees and palms. The scent of blood in the air only sends them further into a frenzy, and bony hands grab at you from all sides. You try to pull away, but it’s too late. You are jerked forward, back, and side to side as they contend over you as if you are the last decaying scrap of carrion in all of Faerûn.

Numerous pairs of pointed fangs pierce into the flesh of your arms, legs, and neck. They are not gentle. Hells, they are not gentle at all, nothing like Astarion. This pain does not ebb into a pleasant, dull throb. It is sharp, with ice and fire rending your skin. They shake their heads, ripping and tearing, and their fangs sink through muscle and hit bone.

How many of them are there? Hundreds? Thousands?

Crimson eyes and hollow cheeks fill your vision, blotting out everything else. You thrash, you struggle, and you call for Astarion in high-pitched screams, but none of it is of any use.

You lash out at them with your magic, allowing the flames to envelop your skin, but they hold your arms and legs, grinding your limbs into the dirt. They burn, but they do not stop; they cannot stop. They are too starved and too crazed. They will drain you dry even as they char and blacken.

It’s over.

You will die alone in the dark.

A sheen of cool sweat dusts your skin, you grow cold, and the pain begins to recede into a cradling senselessness. You resign yourself to death as you walk the edge of it. When the darkness calls, you find that you want to heed it and tumble into the respite of your imminent demise. Your heart beats slower, slower, slower. It palpates in your chest, trying to pump blood that is no longer in your body.

Your eyelids are heavy, lashes fluttering as they beg to close. Death approaches you, seductive and charming, with outstretched arms. It is attractive and tempting. It whispers relief. Death is all embrace me and never be alone again. It says don’t be afraid. It beckons you to join it in sweet, all-encompassing release. You reach toward it, taking it’s hand, and allow yourself to be led away from the pain, the cold, the loneliness — all of it.

And you finally feel at peace.

A voice bellows, agitating the edges of the still serenity you’re sinking into, and fangs begin to rip from your arm and legs.

A man?

You blink, trying to clear your clouded vision. The voice urges you to move, to get up and run. You try, but the earth here is unable to swallow your blood quickly enough, and you slip and fall into the pools collecting on the ground. Your eyelashes flutter weakly as you squint to look at the man standing before you, hauling, and throwing the hysterical, blood-mad spawn away.

Astarion?

The feeble beat of your heart jolts with hope, and you turn away from death, releasing its hand and resisting its siren song. You turn away from the peaceful nullity it offers, walk out of its dark caress, and back into your body.

But all hope is expunged as soon as the shroud is removed from your sight. The blurred figure begins to take shape, and previously formless details sharpen.

No…

Not Astarion.

Never Astarion.

Though you do recognize him, your mind sluggishly tries to connect the familiarity with memories.

His name. Gods, you know it, but what is it?

Sebastian.

The spawn attack, throwing themselves at him, rendered insane by the smell of your blood. You try to push yourself up again, but you only make it to your knees, wavering unsteadily as your head spins and unconsciousness summons. Sebastian starts calling out over his shoulder.

“Get her out of here,” Sebastian barks to Leon who looks at you with brows furrowed in confusion. “Her blood is only making it worse. Dal and I can keep them busy long enough for you to get her away.”

Leon nods curtly, sprinting toward you and throwing you over his shoulder. It’s not a comfortable hold, as his bony shoulder juts into your stomach and lungs. The swaying makes your head throb sickeningly, and you fade in and out of consciousness.

Panicked voices rouse you back from the dark, but you cannot open your eyes. Your senseless fingers twist into your robe as you try to find a way to hold onto your wakefulness.

“What are we going to do with her?” A woman’s baffled voice quivers. “What in the Hells is she even doing down here?”

“If we don’t do something quickly, she’s going to die,” Sebastian says.

“Let her die,” another man’s voice drawls, heartless and cold. “I could use a snack.”

“Petras!” Leon scolds.

Your eyes finally begin to open while they debate your fate. You’re slumped against the stone wall of the Arcane Tower.

“You cannot seriously be suggesting we let her bleed out.” Sebastian mutters from the corner. “She killed Cazador. She saved our lives. She saved Astarion.”

“She-” Petras stomps with his fists balled at his sides. “ She stood by and watched while Astarion roasted me!”

Dal scoffs. “Are you still sour about that? Gods. Let it go.”

“No,” he says, shaking his head and jutting his chin out haughtily. “I don’t think I will, sister.”

“She means much to Astarion,” Leon sighs, rubbing his forehead. “We owe him to at least try and save her.”

Your voice is weak, barely even a whisper. “Have you seen or heard from him?”

All of their heads snap toward you with narrow eyes.

“Who?” Dal tries to smile, stops pacing, and comes to crouch by your side.

“Astarion. Have you seen him?”

Leon frowns. “No. The last time we saw him was at the Black Mass with you.”

You nod and let your head loll to the side. It takes every ounce of energy you have left, but you cast Detect Thoughts covertly.

You knew it was a long shot, but they are not lying.

“Let me die.” You sob. “Have mercy and let me die.”

When your eyes crack and creep open, darkness so thick that it presses in on you, being drawn into your lungs with every shallow, rapid breath, suffocating you from the inside and out, is there to greet you once more.

Death had been a mysterious, charming man, holding your hand, and gently walking you into that final repose, and you turned away from him and told him to wait.

You told Death himself to wait because you thought Astarion was there.

But he wasn’t.

He was never there.

Your eyes cry silent tears of mourning for the loss of the peace that was all but promised to you. Now, you must walk on the precipice of two existences. One in which you exist to hold everyone and everything together — a fearless leader, a lover, a light in the darkness — and the other where you watch yourself continually fall apart, crushed beneath the weight of it all.

Shutting your eyes so tight it hurts, you clench your teeth, and instead of shying away from the pain, running, as you so often do, you delve into it. You force your heart to ingest your fears, doubts, and suffering until it shatters, you run out of tears, and you let it hurt until that too stops.

A remarkable numbness circulates through your veins, like a wave cast out from your heart as it burst into fragments of all the things you used to be. There is no happiness or sadness, love or not, just a soft lull into emotionlessness, and you wade ever deeper into the treacle of frigid calm.

Somewhere, deep inside you, a voice whispers that this is worse, that this is not healing, that this is running.

You tell that voice to shut the fuck up.

You manage to slip out of the room without waking Astarion, pad through the silent manor, and go outside into the courtyard. The storm still rages on. Rain splatters against your face, thunder and lightning crack overhead, and the wet strands of your hair whip wildly in the wind. You stay as the rain drenches you to the bone, you’re shivering, and watch the wild orchestra; the chaos of it mirrors the turmoil of your own soul.

“Sorceress.” The voice comes from behind a locked, wrought-iron gate.

The voice should make you jump, scream, run, but it does not even spur the shattered remains of your heart to quiver in their grave.

“Aldous.”

“My master would like to parlay with you.” He sneers as if it physically pains him to say. “She believes a deal can be struck to avoid fatalities on both sides.”

“I don’t make deals with Vampire Lords.” You hiss, “You can tell your master I said to fuck off.”

“Kamena,” Aldous slinks closer to the gate. Can he come through the gate? Is it just houses they can’t walk into uninvited, or is this part of the house? “You did not even ask what her offer was. I assure you that you will want to hear it.”

Curiosity gets the better of you. “What’s she offering?”

“Safety, for you and yours, including the blood sucker,” Aldous hisses the last part, and it makes you smirk. It must just be killing him to offer safety to the man who drained him dry and left him to rot.

“Not interested,” you yawn, and stretch dramatically. “There are other ways to ensure our safety that do not rely on a deal with a Vampire Lord. I much prefer those ways.”

“What about this?” Aldous holds up a ring. A golden band with a large ruby, but it looks otherwise unremarkable.

“Jewellery?” You scoff, “Gods. Are you just fucking with me now?”

“I admit it appears rather unremarkable, but it is the Ring of the Sunwalker. It will allow your lover to walk in the sun again unharmed.”

Could it be true? Could an enchanted ring be mere feet away from you that will allow Astarion to see and walk in the sun again without fear?

“What’s to stop me from taking it from you right now?” You stalk toward the gate, fire ablaze in your palms.

“Ah-ah, Sorceress.” Aldous wags his index finger at you. He holds the ring in his palm, and you realize it’s an illusion. “My master is willing to give up such a unique treasure if you can come to an agreement.”

“Because she means to complete the Rite of Profane Ascension, the one I stopped Cazador from completing. She will be able to walk in the sun, and she won’t need it anymore. Correct?”

“Something like that.” Aldous smiles snake-like. “So, what do you say?”

“Astarion and my friends are guaranteed safety, and we get the ring, but what’s the catch?”

“We require an exact sketch of his scars to complete the contract as well as the incantation.”

You could end this. You could take the deal, take Astarion, and run as far from Waterdeep as you can, leaving it to its fate under an Ascended Vampire Lord.

How far would you go to ensure Astarion’s safety? Would you turn a blind eye to another Vampire Lord ascending and all the thousands of deaths that means?

Could you live with yourself?

“I will think about it.”

Thank you to all those who read/like/comment/follow/reblog/etc. I'm forever thankful for the support. I love reading your comments ❤️

Chapters Master List - Shadows of the Past

AO3: Crossposted

If you're interested, I also write fanfic for Ascended Astarion x Spawn Tav - Fangs and Fractured Hearts

Small Notes:

Do we think Kamena is going to take the offer seriously?

I am curious. Would you consider it if it means safety for all your friends and Astarion, and a ring that allows him to walk in the sun unharmed, even if it means turning a blind eye to all that death?

#astarion x tav #bg3 astarion #astarion x you #astarion #astarion romance #baldurs gate astarion #astarion x mc #astarion smut #astarion ancunin #astarion x reader #shadows of the past #astarion baldurs gate #astarion bg3 #astarion x oc #astarion spawn #spawn astarion

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morrowcomethisway · 4 months

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Something I’ve noticed is that Zac is really good at adapting to the themes of the season and integrating the themes in his character - I’m specifically talking about Gorgug in JY and Ricky in TUC2.

FHJY’s whole thing is rage. Gorgug, as a barbarian, is already prone to rage, but previously it manifested more as ‘worry’ or ‘upset’. This season he amped that up - he faced personal struggle and completely unfair barriers with school and saw Brennan through Porter telling him to embrace the rage and he did. We all remember Gorgug after the Folk Festival, and on other occasions, too. We see everyone getting mad and we Gorgug getting mad and it illustrates the really interesting differing relationships with rage that Gorgug and the NPCs have (which I’m not going into in the post).

In TUC2, the main thing is (I haven’t watched it in a while so forgive me if I’m remembering incorrectly) isolation and depression (specifically caused by a corporate world), and man, Ricky’s part in this is one of my favourites. He’s no longer the champion, Cody has taken his spotlight, he’s trying to be good and nice, but he’s so frustrated. He tries to help JJ when he notices his isolation, and Brennan narrates how Ricky himself has a little bit of Null! Zac played Ricky’s arc in TUC2 in such a way as to engage perfectly with Brennan’s ‘big bad’ themes, and he did it again in FHJY, although in a different way!

Just Zac’s way of engaging with the themes in both of these examples whether intentional or not just provides a really interesting perspective into them!! Not even the heroes of New York are immune to feeling alone and rage is not always this destructive, unreasonable force, it’s actually born of injustice in Gorgug’s case.

#ahh this may not be coherent but it’s something i noticed and think is so cool #fhjy #gorgug thistlespring #zac oyama #dimension 20 #fantasy high junior year #the unsleeping city #FORGOT THE TUC 2 TAG FUCK. oh well whatever #morrow muses

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gotham-daydreams · 1 year

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i’ve been rereading your not [] series and WOWOWOWOWOW i love it sm. the writing? mwah chefs kiss 🤌🏽 the soul crushing loneliness is felt throughout the whole series and as the reader i can really feel every single emotion y/n goes through while reading it’s amazing. i’m excited for part three to see how it all goes down most importantly y/n’s reaction. i can only imagine the intense anger they’ll probably have after getting taken back to the manor. they’ll be angry cuz of the kidnapping thing but also it took them going missing for their family to acknowledge them. that’s a whole different type of anger and frustration. trying practically all your life to get your family’s attention, to them notice your there, all for it to be vain but the moment you’re gone and don’t exist, just like they’ve been treating your whole life, suddenly they notice. they felt guilty after realizing the damage they’ve done to you and just NOW they want to fix even though you’ll probably be carrying the trauma of the neglect for life so what’s the point of trying to fix it now? especially at this big age? the anger y/n must feel at this is insane. there’s also the fact that if y/n *does* want to give in to the sudden affection there’s that fear they’ll just leave again. they get kidnapped, imprison in what was their once home with high security, are being bomb with a bunch of love from their family they’ve never received before and then suddenly it’s gone, all their left with is just their freedom being taken away. y/n most likely feels intense anger, maybe even hatred, at their current actions but also fear of their future ones. it’s the perfect soup of angst and mannnn i’m eating it up.

sorry for the ramble i just wanted to let out my thoughts on your series but to sum it up i LOOVE your series and i’m patiently waiting for your next chapter to continue to see what of y/n’s fate becomes 🫶🏽

I'm so glad you're enjoying the series!!! And oh my god I love your interpretation as well!!!

As I've kind of stated/hinted at through various posts (I promise a masterlist will be made soon because there is a lot of things now that are piling up-), I don't really tend for Y/n in the "Not [ ]" series to get kidnapped just yet (not in part 3 anyways), but I think we all know that it's bound to happen considering things. And it will!

Honestly, I think a lot of people are kind of overestimating how 'loud' Y/n's anger, frustration, hurt, and pain will be in part 3, and it does make me a little worried about the reception of it. However, depending on one's interpretation, what the reader does instead can make the angst that much heavier. Because, well. They don't get that 'relief' that can sometimes come with shouting out your problems to the world- especially to the person that caused you such pain for such a long time, as it is also kind of acts like an unmistakable "hey!!! i'm fucked up and it's all your fault!!! i'll never forgive you for this and want nothing to do with you!!!" message. Though it is a mix within itself.

However, you are right, honestly!

Y/n in the start of the "Not [ ]" series is upset enough. Not only towards the family, but all the time they feel like they've wasted to try and just have a chance to just... get something they never had. All they wanted was a relationship, some kind of connection with anyone in the family besides Alfred, anything. Which is also mentioned in "Not Tonight" as there is that repeating theme/mention of Y/n doing too much but receiving so little, if not, nothing at all, for their efforts.

So just knowing that — as you've said — it basically took them essentially 'giving up' and being gone for months, for the Batfam to notice them? To try and even attempt to give not even half of what the reader had tried to before? Yet was rejected at every twist and turn? Up until this point?

Yeah, no. Y/n is plenty pissed, and incredibly hurt. Among other things as it's just... too little too late. Way too late.

Yet why I also say that I feel as if others overestimate how Y/n is going to express their anger, and how loud about it they're going to be, is because... well- this is a small kind of character spoiler, I guess, but they feel so detached from the family that the very thought of the Batfam even looking for them, is unfathomable. They don't realize at first how the Batfam is looking for them (despite the obvious signs), because it's never happened before, not even on accident.

They never got saved when they got into fights. They never got help when shit got tough. They were never heard, seen or even acknowledged in the house besides Alfred unless they initiated the 'conversation'. Why would they think that anyone who's acted to them like that, and wouldn't even let them exist in their space for a few minutes, go out searching for them? To put in even the smallest effort towards finding them — and because they were worried for Y/n's health no less — and not because they were the absolute last resort? They wouldn't. They don't.

It's a part of why part 3 goes the way it does, but again-its a part. The other pieces make it bad as well. Though that's all the spoilers I'm willing to give on that, which will go more indepth in part 3 itself (hopefully).

Basically, Y/n is a mess. Everyone is in a way, and that's what makes everything go to hell.

Y/n is angry, yes, but it starts quiet before it gets loud. Along with everything else.

So if and when Y/n does get kidnapped... hm.

I did say in a previous ask that depending on how it goes that Y/n would fight back if they're able to and such depending on how the kidnapping itself goes. And though I won't say much on Y/n's reaction in case it does go into future parts if more than 4 are made, I will say that you're right to assume that Y/n is incredibly pissed. You're also right on the whole idea with them being worried about the family basically neglecting them all over again, when everything is said and done. And that's great!

It's a mix. A whole push-and-pull deal where, yeah, even if more shit hits the fan- their own trauma will, in a way, protect them as well as make their life more miserable than it already is. Y/n'll probably never be able to naturally get close with the Batfam, not without 'help' anyway.

But these are yanderes. Their definition of 'help' is a little... twisted.

Though, yeah! And don't worry about rambling- I clearly do the same seeing as I think this whole post is almost just as long as what you wrote. So it's fine! If anything I really did enjoy reading it! Seeing all these different interpretations, and thoughts about the series and other things is incredibly interesting and I love it a lot! Especially with Part 3 on the rise.

#talking daydreams #platonic yandere batfam #yandere batfam #yandere x gn reader #sibling reader #gn reader #yandere dc #platonic yandere #neglected reader #i still find it funny how that got me rambling too- lol!#sorry if these thoughts are a mess and unclear my brain is kind of dying at the moment

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9w1ft · 4 months

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i wanna be LSK but… //

I’m so sorry anon, but I personally find it really funny when people hear the songs where taylor is working through her feelings of being betrayed by Scott B and attribute them to karlie instead.

It’s like finding a man holding a gun standing over a dead body and saying, hang on a minute… what if the real murderer is the victim’s gf… because two of her friends liked a gossipy tweet written by a known shit-stirrer!

that is to say, we know for a fact that taylor felt deeply betrayed by scott b, seeing as he’s verifiably the actual person who sold her masters to scooter, after treating taylor like family since she was very young. it’s pretty self-evident he deserves the level of vitriol in the smallest man who ever lived (besides the other descriptive details that link him to tsmwel, mtr etc).

as for taylor and karlie suddenly never being seen together again (seemingly drifting apart a whole year before the heist even happened, remember?), well she hasn’t spoken on that, so naturally we read between the lines in the songs to find out. some people have taken the masters heist songs to be about karlie, and ran with that. but others see karlie and taylor’s retreat into privacy reflected in songs under the ‘love blackout’ theme (especially around here, you’re on a longtime kaylor blog 🙈)

love blackout = the hints taylor has put out again and again that she intentionally distanced her public image from karlie’s because it was too dangerous to carry on as openly as they had at first. 2016 election sadness themes, secret love themes, all consistent over the years. all while writing new love songs that use callbacks to the rep muse, to yail even 🥺. as if taylor’s been using all the confusion and her masterful quill of misdirection to achieve her priority of protecting karlie. not protecting karlie’s public image and clout with swifties, which she doesn’t need to maintain her success because she was always successful in her own right! no, it’s all for Karlie The Person in their secret bubble of reality. all this showmanship, you know. the great war, hello!!!! too many songs to name where the kaylor chandelier is safely out of sight, but you can still see flickers through the boarded up windows ❣️

so forgive me for having a chuckle. to any anons who sincerely🛸want to believe, I’m just throwing it out there that there are plenty of us that never found the karlie-betrayer theory convincing at all. if you take a closer look at everything, the timeline of events and all the songs since, does it really make sense? (especially when there are so many shitty men in the mix who are more obviously to blame lol)

~ if you post, thank you for facilitating this rant 9wing, I’ll get off my soapbox now xxx

yup yup

i think a lot of people are predisposed to blaming karlie and so everything becomes a sort of confirmation bias.. which partially, i would argue, was by design.. so in a sense i do not fault gaylors or others for falling into this hole. but i do sometimes feel like faulting them a tiny bit for those who never climb out of it. there’s plenty of information and clues needed to figure it out and climb out of it.

one thing i don’t like about the whole “let’s not talk about muses” discourse is while the spirit of it is supposed to be “let’s study why these songs sound gay instead of commenting taylor lyrics on these people’s instagram pages,” in practice the phrasing almost is like giving yourself permission to pass judgement on the people in taylor’s story and then never reevaluate them. people often say ~lets not talk muses that’s invasive and gross~ and conveniently refuse to adjust their perception of karlie (for example) based on what taylor is putting out there, while making convenient exceptions for any interpretation they find that works to reinforce their already negative perception of her. and then after bitching about her they’ll cover their timeline in lisa frank dolphins because apparently that’s what paradise is. i dunno. it all feels dystopian to me atp 😆

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liquorishblack · 2 months

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What JJK men smell like, which fragrances they wear and which fragrances they like on you (part 1)

Character: Satoru Gojo (listen, I had planned to cover at least 3 characters in one post but then I startet rambling about my favourite sorcerer and this happened)

Word count: 1.200 (more characters will follow in separate posts)

CW: none, maybe slightly suggestive here and there…

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, so please forgive me any mistakes.

So, I’m a huuuge perfume junky and I have the biggest jjk brainrot atm so it was only a matter of time until the question what the jjk characters may smell like and which fragrances they could possibly wear crosses my mind. I wrapped my head around it and this is what I came up with:

What Satoru Gojo smells like / which fragrances he would wear:

This one was easy and I have no doubt that I have found the perfect fragrance for our beloved strongest sorcerer. I can't imagine him wearing a particularly intrusive or heavy fragrance, rather something that gently surrounds him, like the limitless surrounding his body. His scent is perceptible but not clearly recognizable as a perfume. When you stand next to him, it seems as if he simply smells incredibly good, clean and well-groomed by nature and the scent seems to cast a magical spell over you that makes you want to get closer to him. It’s an attractive and enveloping scent without trying too hard and by no means overwhelming. A scent such as…

…Apollonia by Xerjoff:

This fragrance is part of the shooting stars collection and represents the universe. So, if you’ve ever wondered what it smells like in space, this might be it!

Apollonia is a powdery, musky scent with a woody base. It’s fresh, slightly sweet and creamy. The ingredients are white florals, iris butter and white musk. Sounds minimalistic at first but this fragrance will get you a lot of compliments. A pure nothingness that allures your nose and makes you want more. But due to the woody-musky basenote there is even something mysterious and slightly dark to it which has a tempting and seductive effect on everyone who perceives it.

On another note: I find the whole Universe and shooting star theme highly suitable for Gojo since all his ct’s are based on astrophysics. Also, Xerjoff is a very established luxury brand and the prices for such a little scented water are quite something, I can tell you that! But, that’s obviously no problem for Gojo cause he is loaded and doesn’t seem to mind spending absurd amounts of money on clothes and stuff.

But enough about that because there is another one that would suit Gojo quite well. For some reason Apollonia strikes me as a very serious fragrance - perhaps even a little melancholic, which is somewhat fitting (I think we all agree that Gojo has some dark spots on his soul, which he skillfully hides under his bubbly and cocky demeanor) but I don’t see him wearing Apollonia in his everyday life. Perhaps this fragrance would be it for special occasions, like the 24th of december or on date night. I can see his younger self wearing this fragrance regularly but for his daily business as an adult he could do with something more uplifting, I think. A fragrance like…

…Dancing Light by Olfactive Studio:

Inspired by the aurora borealis or northern lights, this fragrance has something magical about it. Just like Apollonia, it develops an alluring aura that surrounds the wearer as it progresses. I call these kind of fragrances “your skin but better scents” since they’re not trying too hard and are quite hard to grasp but this circumstance makes them all the more mysterious and attracting. The scent starts off very green but develops into a fresh, creamy scent with floral accords and some spicy sweetness. Compared to Apollonia, Dancing Light is fresher, more sparkling and perhaps even a little fruity here and there, but less woody. In my opinion the perfect match for a dynamic young man who likes to have fun, exudes a lot of energy and who doesn’t take life too seriously. While Apollonia can be perceived as somewhat melancholic, Dancing Light is more of a fragrance that exudes a good invigorating mood due to it’s fresh green notes.

The ingredients are fig milk, mint, pineapple, pine needles, flowers like freesia, neroli and jasmine. The base is composed of sandalwood, vetiver, musk and amber.

I can definitely see Gojo wearing this fragrance at Jujutsu Metropolitan Curse Technical College, while teaching or out in the field, exorcising cursed spirits, because it lifts his mood and gives him a refreshing, invigorating feeling, even if he's been on his feet for hours. But in more serious or intimate situations where he wants to present himself not (just) as the strongest sorcerer but (also) as Satoru Gojo, he might opt for Apollonia since it represents the depth of his soul so very well (which is not for everyone’s eyes)… additioning to that, Apollonia would make it probably easier for him to seduce you. Not that he needs this help, but he wants to make sure that his scent lingers with you throughout the next day, so that you don’t forget about him or the memories of the shared last night. As if you could…

For a cozy night in or on a casual day out I can imagine him wearing something like…

…Musk Therapy by Initio:

I don‘t know why but somehow I find this fragrance matches his wardrobe very well… like the casual clothes we see him in on the official artworks at times. As the name already suggests it‘s a very comforting scent. It‘s clean, pure and somewhat cozy and soothing. The scent itself is creamy, fresh, slightly fruity and sweet with light floral undertones. The most dominant note is (as the name suggests) musk, accompanied by bergamot, mandarin, currant, magnolia and sandalwood. A scent that will make you want to crawl into his hoodie while you two are snuggled up on the couch on a cozy Sunday afternoon.

Which fragrances he would like on you…

As everyone and his grandpa knows, Satoru Gojo has a freakin’ sweet tooth, so I think he would definitely fancy gourmand scents on you. They’re not only feminine and sweet but also incredibly sensual, addictive and sexy.

An example of such a scent would be Velvet Tonka by BDK:

As the name suggests, it’s silky, creamy and therefore not too sweet for a gourmand fragrance - quite the opposite; Velvet Tonka is not a sticky sugar candy but rather outrageously elegant. It hugs the body like a silk scarf on bare skin - insanely sensual and sexy. But it doesn't lack a certain warmth that makes it feminine, innocent and cuddly. You definitely need to be careful with this fragrance because it’s definitely addictive and you could run the risk of Gojo burying his nose in the crook of your neck all day long and once you're undisturbed, he won't be able to keep his hands off you.

Another option would be…

Escapade Gourmande by Maison Mataha:

This one is basically creme brûlée out of a bottle - like for real real. That’s exactly what this fragrance smells like. There is caramelized sugar in the top note, vanilla and tonka bean in the middle note and benzoin and musk in the base. Also a creamy gourmand, but it still has a smoky spice, which makes it something really special. His beloved kikufuku mochis will be long forgotten, I can tell you that!

If you want something really sexy that taps into Gojo's darker parts (you know, the ones that come out when he gets drunk on his own strength or while he’s pulling weeds), maybe for a special date night I would recommend….

Bois Doré by Van Cleef and Arpel’s:

Less innocent, more badass and mysterious. A smoky, woody, not so sweet vanilla but damn sexy. He will go feral!

Thank you so much for reading this far. Likes, comments & reblogs are highly appreciated.🫶🏻

Yours truly,

Ava 🖤

#jjk #jjk headcanons #gojo satoru #jjk hcs #jujutsu kaisen #jjk gojo #jujutsu gojo #jjk satoru #gojo jjk

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46inpm · 2 months

Text

MLQC Housemates Party

Hello I’m back after… awhile but been wanting to do housemates headcannons

PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY🙏 as they may not lol

Victor - Red, Lucien - Purple, Kiro - Orange, Gavin - Blue, Shaw - Green, MC (You) - Pink

I'm changing MC to where she has a good alcohol tolerance and is a bit of a party girl herself

Okay now onto the actual headcanon

They do parties from casual get togethers to formal events to drinking like they’re in college

Rating: Mature

Casual Get Togethers

Just a few friends and co-workers for holidays, casual birthdays, and regular cookouts

Victor is normally the cook for this with the help of Gavin

Gavin is such a grill type of man

They’ll cook as friends are coming over with a movie playing

In the summer they have pool parties

Lucien would be in charge of taking photos of Kiro in his swim trunks to post online for later, gotta feed the fans

When they have a get together in the house there will be a few drinking games

Truth or Drink goes crazy because I know for sure none of the housemates except for MC will answer really personal questions

"Body count?" "Craziest drunken experience?" "Have you ever had a wet dream about MC?"

After that truth or drink wasn't allowed to be played anymore in the future

If it's just the housemates sitting around doing games then they'll be slightly more open

At the end when friends leaves, MC falls asleep on the couch with one cuddling her and the others continuing their conversation

“I’m telling you there’s a raccoon going through our trash.”

“We either call animal control or get rid of it ourselves.”

“Hey, you guys leave Chunky King Bob alone!”

“Great he’s named it…”

Formal Events

They have a whole mansion that's big enough to do an actual formal event

Victor and Kiro are normally the host as it’s kinda required for their reputation

Honestly, both wouldn't do them if they didn't feel obligated for work

Victor, Lucien, Kiro, and MC are the planning committee

Sorry Gavin doesn't have the imagination for this and Shaw is lazy

They'll hold meetings in Victor's office or in the dining room

Most of the time it's a black-tie event but a few times it's themed

The entire house goes on a cleaning rampage the days before

Victor punishes anyone who slacks off by making them wash the dirty garbage cans outside

Really Shaw’s punishment most of the time

Also I know Victor is going to be some animal in heat seeing you all dolled out

Just seeing the jewelry set he bought you decorating your neck and ears is doing something to this poor man

As you're getting ready before the guests start showing, he comes in your room to "check on things" but will just watch you get dress

Slow makeout session happens and when someone knocks, he'll leave pretending like he really was checking on things

"MC have you see my blue tie? Huh, Victor what're you doing?"

"Checking to make sure MC did her tasks."

You're just standing there flushed

Be prepared to be starstruck by the number of celebrities you'll see for Kiro's big birthday event

Lucien and Gavin will sneak you out of there to get alone time separately

"It's stuffy in here."

"Let's go get some fresh air."

You'll be out with them for a while having personal conversations that both of you lose track of time

Their eyes staring so lovingly into yours, never breaking eye contact, hands holding yours or rubbing your sides

THE TRIANGLE METHOD (EYES, LIPS, EYES) PLS LET ME OUT OF MY CAGE

More slow makeout sessions and boy do they want to keep going for the rest of the party

Like the Bachelorette when they have the one one-on-one convos

If Kiro or Victor find out they'll be the most grumpy toward you, imagine a pet that's giving you the silent treatment for not feeding them a third time

"While I had to have meaningless conversations with everyone, I wanted to be with you. Seems you didn't care."

Give the pouty idol your undivided attention for the next couple of hours and he'll immediately forgive you but good luck on Victor

To the housemates, it's a genuine mystery on where Shaw goes in the middle of the event

They'll see him but a second later he's gone missing for the next couple of hours

“Where’s Shaw?”

“I thought he was with you…”

“I thought he was with Gavin.”

“You need me? Did everyone leave already?”

“What the-”

“It’s been three hours.”

Clubbing/Partying

Normally all of you won't go partying together, even if someone invites the housemates out, only a few will go

Gavin, Kiro, and Shaw are always out with you having a blast

I don't ever see Victor or Lucien coming out for these

High levels of socializing and drinking just aren't them and they'll barely talk to each other while everyone's gone

Gavin is the DD (designated driver) and sober dad

Think of the meme with the dad having his children on the backpack leashes going in the opposite direction, that's him but with 3 adults

Kiro will be dancing with you, or drunk rants to someone while Shaw is doing beer pong

Shaw loves being by your side and his hand wrapped around rested on your hip

As much as Gavin and Shaw don't get along, Gavin always checks on Shaw and steps in the way if some drunks try to pick a fight

Back to the house, you're drunk along with Kiro, jumping practically off the walls

Victor and Lucien trying to get yall to drink water

You'll sing praises to everyone about Gavin taking care of everyone

When you're lying in bed, Shaw will sneak in to sleep with you

"Feeling lonely?"

"No, knowing you, you'll wake up hungover. Going to need someone to hold back your hair when you're yaking."

He'll never say the real reason to just cuddle

The only times all housemates go out to party and drink is the rare clubbing occasions

Normally high end clubs

Everyone dressed in their clubbing/partying outfits

The boys will wear nice button ups or plain t-shirts with pants that will go along while you wear a backless top and miniskirt

In the club they’ll reserve a table…for the Li family? so they can immediately sit down and start drinking

We all know Lucien says he’s a good drinker but he’s really not as he doesn’t space out his shots

You’re not helping as it’s shot o’clock every 30 minutes with you

“For going out! For finishing the week! For housemates bonding!”

“Okay, I think that’s enough. Also, Lucien you don’t have to keep taking the shots.”

“Haha, I’m fine.”

Takes a lot of pleading from all of you to have Gavin and Victor drink up (sober dads on break)

From there on things ramp up!!!

Everyone loosens up a lot and have the funniest conversations

Talking about inside jokes to personal stories

Later on the dance floor you’ll be grinding on one of them then the next and making out

The types of drunks: Lucien - possessive drunk, Kiro - happy drunk, Shaw - funny drunk, Victor - horny drunk, Gavin - crying drunk

Lucien’s Ares side come out a lot more that he just wants to be in your embrace and no one touches you

Takes a while for you to calm him down and let the others be near you

“Why did you let him kiss you?”

“Lucien, you also did too. It wouldn’t be fair to the others. Let’s all have fun.”

Kiro is the type to legit constantly compliment anyone and give some motivation speech as if they’re about to jump off a cliff

“Youu’re soo handsome and kind b-but I feel you don’t even know it.”

Shaw’s jokes are so perfectly timed with his expressions that everyone’s sides hurt from laughing, funny how he’s so calm when he says it

“I’m one drink closer to getting a tramp stamp.”

Victor isn’t a big fan on PDA but now he wants you to give him a lap dance mid club and says the dirtiest stuff

Even Lucien and Victor are at war while drunk

“You love the feeling of rubbing yourself against me.”

Poor Gavin has so much regret that he starts pouring out normally to Kiro about wishing he did things differently

“When I left I should have had-had more courage to tell her what I felt but I did not-I didn’t.”

“I get what you’re feeling! Trust me ev-everything has been working out. Like you’re here with Miss Chips getting wasted!!”

Ride share dropping all of you back home still drunk but trying to sober up, everyone is seriously tripping over themselves, laughing controllably

Trying to drink water and devour leftovers

After awhile everyone decides except Victor to sleep in his room because he has the biggest and comfiest bed

As everyone is falling asleep curled up to MC or snuggled in the comforter they knock out

#mlqc #mr love #mr love queens choice #love and producer #evol x love #mlqc headcanon #mlqc victor #mlqc headcanons #mr love queen's choice #mlqc mc #mlqc kiro #mlqc gavin #mlqc lucien #mlqc shaw #housemates au #mr love queens choice headcanon #headcanons #mr. love queen’s choice headcanons #otome game

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littleeyesofpallas · 1 year

Text

Bleach’s Issue with Queer characters (3/3)

So then there’s Giselle (and to a less canon extent Shutara) who I think Kubo erroneously categorizes as similar to both eachother and to the above gay men stereotypes. And I think understanding Kubo’s approach to Giselle hinges on what he set up (but didn’t follow through on) with Shutara.

I’ve mentioned before, but I’m pretty certain think Shutara Senjumaru is meant to be a kabuki onnagata*. Not in-world, mind you; I don’t think she is somehow employed as an actor in a literal kabuki theater. (i would hope that was obvious, but one can never be too sure...) Just like Tier Harribel isn’t literally a light skinned, dark haired person doing gyaru/ganguro fashion, her presumably naturally tan skin and blonde hair is based on the general aesthetic. Shutara likewise is channeling distinct look and feel that draws from a mix of oiran, geisha, and kabuki aesthetics. (granted all three are closely related in influencing one another’s aesthetics in the first place)

But while the look and even the demeanor tend to play all three ways, I think the particular fixation on clothes, costuming, and the somewhat adjacent theme of “disguise” that Kubo has shown to put emphasis on in this kinds of situations, as well as the fact that he gave her a distinctly masculine name, Senjuumaru, point to her being some form of queer, albeit something Kubo seems to pretty clearly lack the understanding to better articulate himself. Is she a trans woman? Gender fluid? A male identifying transvestite? There’s not enough real material for us to draw that particular line, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to conclude that she’s not a cis woman.

*Kabuki is traditionally an all-male theater form, and “onnagata” refers to actors who specialize in playing women roles. Generally all actors train in the delineated masculine and feminine styles, but an actor’s career sticks to just one or the other...

...There is a whole big thing about how cultural institutions like kabuki and takarazuka theaters’ creation of socially acceptable and even celebrated, public and professional genderqueer spaces creates a myriad of gender dynamics that just don’t exist in the West, and it’s something that has made the attempt to adopt a globalized understanding of queer identity a little trickier in Japan:

In the West the gender binary was rigidly enforced such that to explore alternatives was basically uncharted territory (that’s an oversimplification, but you know what I mean; There’s a lack of contiguity with those who came before) but with japan there were already nonbinary spaces in place, and the lines around those don’t neatly line up with the ethnocentric western ideas some people try to pigeonhole those into. In general, it gets dangerously close to just flat up colonizer rhetoric.

(forgive the outdated reference image, but honestly I don’t know what even counts as a recognizable example of a “““trap”” character these days. And I use that term with GREAT reluctance, but I want to differentiate the exploitative cliche usage of a trans caricature from any actual representational trans character.)

Anyway... That all just leaves Giselle. And let’s be real, there’s no excuse for this one. Maybe that seems like a weird anticlimactic place to take this series of posts... like, after all this, maybe it feels like I should’ve had some equally obtuse logic to explain this one away as a matter of escalation or as a Rule of Threes. But no, not really. I just think it’s a little unreasonable to treat the massive screwup that was Giselle’s portrayal as part of some sort of bigger ongoing trend, when it’s really more of an unrelated outlier in a bigger umbrella subject.

She is in fact a bad case of the long standing anime/manga fetishization of transwomen as a concept, as a spectacle to be gawked at and made the butt of jokes or to be included specifically as an anomaly. And in Giselle’s case her specific depiction as a depraved, physically/sexually abusive villain on top of that is an explicitly toxic combination.

In spite of that, I still don’t think Kubo actually meant for it to reflect poorly (not that that matters or diminishes its harmfulness) I think he genuinely just has no real grasp of what that kind of characterization means. I say that largely because of the way he treats a lot of her role in the plot. Not that she’s integral to moving it forward, but that she occupies space and survives in the plot as long as she does, even when she could've been conveniently (and frankly more neatly) written out;

He seems to like drawing her and gives her a range of expressions and gestures (something he doesn't afford all his characters, even some of his major ones)

He likes to expand on her powers and gimmicks beyond what was necessary if he'd been aiming for minimum effort

He even paired her off against his personal favorite character, Mayuri.

Point being, Kubo seems to personally like Giselle as a character, but he took a horrible insensitive and ignorant path in writing her character.

But an undeniable fact is, she’s not alone as this kind of villain, she’s just the only one that happens to be trans.* Mayuri himself, Aaroniero, Szayelaporro, Zomarri (just a little bit), Tousen (at the very end), Tsukishima, As Nodt, Gremmy (a little), and Askin all to some degree dip into this shtick Kubo does where his villains aren’t just sadistic but ecstatically so, to the point of intoxicated, gleeful derangement. Yet in spite of that, those characters are all usually meant to be “cool,” not detestable.

Remember, Mayuri was initially written as, hands down, the most despicable characters in Bleach —he was abusive and sadistic, misogynistic, actually physically grotesque, predatory, dishonorable sneaky & underhanded, complicit in a genocide, just in general a clearly communicated mad scientist villain, and he was all of this in direct and deliberate contrast to Uryuu’s chivalrous personality type(already established in his defending Orihime from Jiroubou) as well as Nemu’s noble stoic subservient victimhood— and yet he’s also Kubo’s favorite character in the series. Kubo doesn’t actually write Giselle any particularly worse than the others, BUT he also doesn’t disassociate her being trans from her being villainous, and again, even incidentally, that manages to perpetuate a harmful narrative in the overall.

*(Actually, I’ve kinda touched on it before but I sort of suspect Mayuri could be trans, in which case; OOPS, that makes two, and that doesn’t make it better....)

[1][2][3]

#bleach #bleach meta #KUBO TITE #senjumaru shutara #giselle gewelle #geez this thing is so old that bridget wasn't even reintroduced to guilty gear yet #in fact strIVe wasn't even a thing on the horizon this far back #also weird that preupdate drafts still adhere to outdated formatting #because typing these tags now and editing these drafts #is working on weird janky tumblr formats that i kind of forgot existed #anyway like i already said in the tags of part 2 #im kind of super not satisfied with the wording on a lot of this #feels muddled #and i think i sort of lost track of the root of things #where someone was calling kubo ''obviously'' transphobic #and i think that's not entirely accurate #even if the bottom line almost doesnt make any difference #but there's a difference between ignorance and insensitive #and just outright malice #but the former is very much fixable and even reclaimable #the latter is absolutely not #again tho i get why to a lot of people that doesn't really make a difference #even this far out i dunno how i thought i was gonna end this #or how id do it any differently if i tried now

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dansevilpianotea · 4 months

Note

what are some phancoded songs?

hiiii omg thanks for the ask!! i absolutely love talking about songs i associate with my interests!! (autism has been activated to the highest degree so this will be a long post, you have been warned)

here are some of what i think are classic dnp coded songs:

Guys by The 1975 (i see this as more about the phandom than about dnp tbh but its very very dnp coded no matter how you interpret it) That's So Us by Allie X Still into You by Paramore The Only Exception by Paramore

i have a whole ass 100 song long playlist about dnp but let me give you my favourites that aren't the usual classics:

Eighteen by Pale Waves

This city depresses me But you try to be everything I need We sat on the corner kissing each other Felt like I could finally see in colour I was 18 when I met you Poured my heart out, spilt all my truth I finally felt like I could feel for the first time When I met you

i mean????? thats 2009 dan and phil????? dip and pip??? hello!!??

also fun fact!!: this band is from manchester and this song was written by their non-binary drummer and lesbian lead singer (who lowkey gives lesbian version of dan). you should rlly listen to pale waves. idek if theyve heard of dnp but theyre true phannies to me.

Starlight by Muse

this song, man. never heard of muse until i got into dnp and then i this song was the first one is listened to.

Hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold You in my arms

i feel like it says sth about the expectations of being in a relationship while also presenting yourself on a massive public platform. wanting to be authentic and produce content^tm vs. being closeted and wanting to protect your relationship. 'I will be chasing a starlight, Until the end of my life, I don't know if it's worth it anymore'. Is worth it to constantly push the content out while feeling like a fraud for being inauthentic about your identity? 'And our hopes and expectations, Black holes and revelations'. the future may seem very dark and hopeless sometimes, it may not turn out how we expect or hope, but only once we face instead of fight it (embrace the void etc) we will forgive our past selves and see that the future really is bright. so yes, very dnp coded.

Anniversary by Autoheart

Years of nothing have subsided We have fixed each other up Giving you up? What are you on about? I'll never give up believing in us Giving you up? Now why would I do a thing like that? No I’m not giving you up, no way I will never stop when it comes to you

this song is not only dnp coded (kind of an october 19th theme song) but also has gained a new meaning since the return of dnp games <3. they didnt give up on us. they came back. and we really helped each other get here <3. think about it like that when listening and i guarantee you will be sobbing. the song also has some marriage themes bc theres wedding vows during the bridge so i will just let you live with that <33

Where the Lines Overlap by Paramore

Tracing patterns across a personal map And making pictures where the lines overlap No one is as lucky as us We're not at the end but oh, we already won Call me over And tell me how Well, you got so far Never making a single sound I'm not used to it But I can learn

we werent ready for their comeback / we're still learning to get used to it / just look at them / boiling frog theory / hard phaunch / do i need to say more

Yellow by Coldplay

this song became part of my playlist when phil didnt know a single coldplay song. unfortunately i cant take it serious anymore after dan was turned into a golden pig, then was literally glowing golden during a book event all while #pissyourself4dan was trending and every phannie on twt made their pfps yellow. i will curse your mind to with the lyrics and mental imagery: (im sorry but im also not bc this is how my autism thinks humour works)

Look at the stars Look how they shine for you And everything you do Yeah, they were all yellow ✨✨ Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones Turn into something beautiful ✨✨✨ And you know, you know I love you so 💛

✨✨✨

(im sorry again)

Safe & Sound by Tonight Alive

Dan in BIG: "for the first time since I was a tiny child I actually felt safe."

Nothing compares to what we share I don't have a care in the world Cause even if it all came crashing down, As long as you're around, I'll be safe and sound. 🧡

ending it with a nice one because its beautiful and sappy and its so them afterall. they really won rpf.

thank you for this ask, i enjoyed answering it!! (im sorry for taking so long. im on day 11 of a cold so ive not had much energy.)

#dan and phil #dnp #phan #dnpgames #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #daniel howell #song analysis #playlist #ask #sage posting

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amethystfairy1 · 5 months

Note

hiya it’s been a hot minute since I sent an ask but I want you to know that I’ve been reading all your stuff for months now, refreshing multiple times a day bc I can’t get enough and I adore everything you write <3<3<3 I think your more recent writing with the darker themes is well done, it adds the perfect amount of angst and stakes to the story, more than vague threats of getting hurt, esp in the under city, but it’s not too much at the same time. Also your newest TT treebark is probs my favorite fic thus far, and treebark isn’t even my favorite ship lmao. It’s so arghhh yesss with Rens acting but Martyn can’t tell nooooo 😭 I REALLY want to know what Ren was thinking that whole time negotiating with the bandits, esp when he finally looked at Martyn bc he could probably hear his cries the whole time and UGH it breaks my heart in a good way. AND MARTYN ACCEPTING THAT REN WOULD DO THIS, AND FORGIVING HIM????? The angst, the FEELS. Stunning. A masterpiece. I start my days checking to see if you’ve posted I’m so obsessed XD. Might have to draw the scene… anyhow. I see you get a lot of requests to write certain ships now bc all the stories r so captivating we just HAVE to know more. But. I hope you don’t feel pressured or stressed about it, make sure to prioritize your own wants first. The quality is worth the wait <3 that said, I’m going insane over Martyn. oH also!!! Ren grabbing the wolf pendant!!!!!! He knows how much it means to Martyn my HEART they’re so AAAaAAaAaaaaA!! And he waited until he was between Martyn and the bandits to attack! To protect him! 🥺🥺🥺 the little details are so sweet I’m dying to know rens thoughts. He probably has the rage of a thousand suns in him after seeing Martyn tied up, hurt, crying, bc they would DARE lay a finger on the only one who protected him, who was nice to him. Just. Tomorrow can’t come fast enough. I’m def gonna draw this. Also side note love the new pfp

Hello!!!! Good to see you!!!!

I'm so glad you're still reading and enjoying my works!

Also very happy to hear you're enjoying the darker themes that have been coming up recently in both TTSBC and TT! You're exactly right, that's exactly the sort of thing I was trying to nail...oh yeah ANGST with Treebark right now!

I mean. If you feel inspired. I would LOVE if you drew this scene. Because like, I have that art you did of Ren asleep on Martyn's shoulder as the cover image to my Treebark fanfic doc 🥹

Thank youuuu I appreciate the thought about not feeling pressured or stressed, I promise I'm not! I know everyone is just excited for their favorite/most compelling storyline to continue! And like I've said elsewhere, I plan to stick to my mantra...when I try to write something I'm not in the mood to write, I burn out and don't feel like writing at all. That's what happened to me the last time I stopped writing, and I didn't post at all for nearly a year. I HATED THAT. So TTSBC and TT is the perfect situation for me! Lots of ships, lots of characters, lots of dynamics, and between the two I can write BASICALLY anything I feel like at any point in time! So yeah! I'll write what I feel like writing in the moment, because that's always when I come up with my best stuff!

THE WOLFS PENDANT YUP GOOD CATCH. Ren's a good guy, he pays attention to that sort of thing 💖

I'm glad you like my new pfp!!! I love it! It's by my same friend who drew my old pfp, but THIS one is of an original character of mine everyone who reads TTSBC is very familiar with and people very scared of, but I assure you, any resemblance to characters previously mentioned is purely coincidental, hypotheticals should be, should be, should be dismissed, and there is no need to be concerned. 😉

Thank you for coming by again!!!

#fanfic #ao3 fanfic #amethyst rambles #traveling thieves au #treebark

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bayfuzzball7050 · 8 months

Text

SIEMPRE SE PUEDE PEDIR TRADUCCIÓN‼️‼️‼️

INTRODUCTION POST AND RULES 🔥🔥🦾🦾🦾🦈🦈

(Edit— 23/09/2024) I kinda got excited writing this ☠️

There’s like a worrying amount of text. I’m not sure everyone can gut how much I wrote 😭😭

But here are like the basics of my blog:

The name’s Andrés or Diego. Call me whatever ya want, idc

I’m a Trans Guy, he / him and if you don’t know me a they / them it’s ok I don’t mind that much. NO SHE HER IMMA BEAT UR ASS

☆ I got that dawg in me (asd) actually pls be patient im a little slow on some things

☆ Artist — I mostly make jjba fanart (currently insane about it)

☆ Art requests are currently closed!!

(for when I open them: I draw anything but nsfw/kinks and proship stuff)

☆ Writer (no fanfic here tho)

☆ don’t ask for pics you ain’t getting em

☆ if I use emojis, be aware that most of the time it’s ironic

☆ I make a lot of kys/kms jokes, if you’re not ok with this, please don’t follow

☆ i LOVE spammers, spam likes, reblogs, whatever as much as you like :3 (if ya want to like no pressure)

☆ if ya wanna be mutuals just ask I don’t mind I’ll just check yo vibe and that’s it

Art tag: #my art

Post tag/reblogs where I add something: #momazos dieg

BY THE WAY!!

☆ I usually don’t add tw (tho I dont post stuff with heavy themes often if I’m honest like I rarely do it) But if anything, be wary

☆ I also always have my notifications off so please don’t feel bad if I don’t answer a dm or anything of the sort

☆ please excuse me if I reblog/like artists who are proshippers, I don’t tend to check blogs before interacting🧍🏽(I’ve gotten myself blocked many times because of this)

☆ also like if they problematic in general like idk if maybe someone I reblogged has been in a big ahh controversy or summ so uhhh forgive me

☆ more info abt me and my blog under the cut :P ☆

So, I think imma make(try) a dni list but ik it’s ultimately useless cuz like I can’t force ya and im not your dad plus I’m too lazy to look through every blog that reblogs or likes but uh blocklist ig???

It’s just basic dni criteria, but like if ya wanna read ig?

SHIT THAT GETS YA BLOCKED ‼️‼️

(some of these are oddly specific)

☆ zionists, racists, homophobes, ace exclusionists/phobes, antisemits (guess that’s how you say it???), conservatives, mofos who discriminate/hate minorities in general

☆ Proshippers, Comshippers, anti-anti’s and profiction mfs

Why, you may ask? Horrible past experiences with these mofos and *other* bad experiences that ain’t really related to ‘em but remind me of so like if ur a proshipper just block me and move on I don’t want y’all around. Not rlly into the discourse and prolly never gonna post abt it but yeah

no Patrick, im not against the portrayal of fucked up things, im against the portrayal of those things as a type of pornography.

☆ On a similar note, I HATE LOL1C0NS AND SHOTAC0NS KYS…NOWW

☆ ON ANOTHER SIMILAR NOTE! even if I do hate proshippers, autoshippers/selfshippers are cool like hell yeah you go marry your blorbo 🔥🔥🔥

☆ Transphobes / TERFS

I think the whole ‘Im trans’ shit explains it well enough 💀

☆ SWERFS can also go fuck themselves

☆ Misandrists and radfems too like why you here 💀 when I first hear the term i thought it was about the most radical females 🤙 but dude…these girl be saying some bogus about other chicks! Plus your gender essentialism pisses me the hell off

☆ Transmeds/Truscums/anti-MOGAI mfs get the hell out of here I hate you like Imagine gatekeeping gender cuz someone doesn’t fit your idea of what a trans person is thats stupid af 😭😭

☆ Transid, “Transabled”, "transracial" are not welcome. I support trans people, MOGAI in. You support racist, ableist and ageist views and stuff of the sort, kindly fuck off and educate yourself.

☆ Radqueers in general actually

☆ NSFW agere blogs (SFW agere it’s cool I don’t mind)

☆ pedos/MAPS I want you hanging on the STREET

☆ Paraphilics in general

☆ Misgendering kink blogs cuz WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME¿ AND IM TRANS WTH¿¿

☆ kink blogs in general actually ☠️

☆ Pro-ANA or Pro-MIA mofos y’all please seek therapy

☆ swifties.

To be honest I don’t check the blogs of most people who reblog or like but- Ricky…Ricky when I catch you Ricky-

(I mostly notice when I get followed but- anyway 😻)

THIN ICE:

☆ Giomis shippers

Why? Cuz not all of them are proshippers but a vast majority is and giomis kinda weirds me out💀ik the age gap small but still it’s kinda….

☆ dsmp fans

As much as I enjoy the Fanart and maybe the roleplay was interesting I have like personal beef with the fanbase and creators

☆ Hannibal Fans

The franchise is fire but I also have beef with Hannibal fans cuz for some reason most of them proshippers

☆ MHA fans for the same reason as Hannibal fans

☆ Same with South Park

☆ Same goes for Homestuck fans

☆ Same goes for Steven Universe fans. It’s mid btw

☆ ONE PIECE fans, y’all didn’t do anything wrong it’s just that I haven’t caught up with the show 😭😭

☆ NSFW blogs (as in porn/smut)

ANYWAY

Languages I speak:

☆ Spanish (mother language)

☆ English

☆ A tiny bit of Italian

FANDOMS IM IN (but I forget sometimes 😿)

☆ JJBA (what I post about mostly (going insane over this))

☆ Yakuza (I haven’t finished 0 yet)

☆ LOST MEDIA. (Believe it or not, im also going insane over this.)

☆ Berserk

☆ Madoka Magica

☆ ikigusare (best virtual girl band ever fr fr)

☆ Gorillaz

☆ Good Omens

☆ Moral Orel

☆ Dorohedoro

☆ My Little Pony

☆ Sonic fandom

☆ Undertale / Deltarune

☆ Breaking Bad / Better Call Saul

☆ El Cuarteto De Nos

☆ Azumanga Dioh!

☆ Vocaloid

☆ Project Sekai

☆ D4DJ

☆ Food Fantasy

☆ FNAF (grrrr I love fnaf,,)

☆ Emo / Scene / Scemo (I just don’t have money for clothes nor the patience to make a blog only for that 😭😭)

☆ actually like another shit ton more but I can’t remember 😔

Socials:

☆ Reddit u/BayFuzzball7050 (old account, permanently banned)

☆ Reddit u/BayFuzzball404 (Current Account)

☆ ofc Tumblr

☆ Wattpad and AO3 but we ain’t talking about that 🤫🧏‍♂️

☆ @bayfuzzball7050-art is my art blog (reblogs from here)

☆ …

☆ also I might or might not have a questionable side art blog (collect my shitposts)

☆ ALSO! recently opened a Pixiv :3

☆ And NOW I HAVE AN ARTFIGHT! (sea foam)

Dis me btw

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archivalofsins · 8 months

Note

Actually the your last answer sparkes my interest and i'm curious, which songs from the first caligula game would you assign to the milgram prisoners?

I am so freaking excited to go into this- Because I love the Caligula Effect soundtrack soooo much. My favorite song was Lovec Scope but I am currently obsessing over Cosmo Dancer for reasons. I also just finished two so I hope you don't mind me adding some thoughts on that at the end and what it could mean for Milgram overall.

I know this took very long to answer. Unfortunately, life has gotten pretty hectic. Every time I sat down to work on this reply, something else cropped up. Key instances include me still recovering from covid and needing to pace myself differently than before (which I am still feeling the aftereffects of) and finding out my mother's heart had temporarily stopped (from arrhythmia). I also needed to get some other feelings out on Caligula Effect 2 before diving into all of this some I shared with you earlier and another one I posted about before putting this up. It just didn't feel completely honest to make this post without acknowledging my feelings on one of the repeating themes of the second game first. It will become apparent why later in this post! But for now,

Let's get into this-

Cosmo Dancer is a Mikoto song. (Sorry I don't make the rules except I just did so I do.)

Mikoto Cosmo Dancer

"It's the "me" of today as well." "Let's resist against fighting- Ha! This makes me laugh." "Scatter, disappear; until you become completely invisible! See; you can fight now!" "Puppets whose hearts are controlled."

Go on and show me the usual./“No, I need to do more…”

Those beautiful bonds of yours. IT'S SO MEANINGLESS IT MAKES ME SICK! I will teach you! So; dance as much as you want. In the palm of my hands. On this best stage. Nobody will steal your heart.

Yeah… well, I mean, some days are hard, but… I’m doing alright, don’t worry. How’ve you been? I’ll go home next time I get some time off. I don’t even know, the reason why I’m here “He’s a liar”, you said, and made me out to be a scoundrel, why?

All I did was dream/ If it is a never-ending dream.

So you find me INNOCENT, it’s that simple right? Come to know me as an honest man, eat your words, gulp them down.

Mikoto: [scream] You’re all fucking annoying! I’ll beat you all to death, pieces of shit!!! Mikoto : AAAHHHHHHHHHH!! DESTROY EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!!

Then let's just destroy everything! I don't want this worthless world. This is my dream!

Before the life in this world is exhausted./ Say what? You’re gonna break.-You’re overdoing it, you’re already broken.

When this time comes- in this corner of the universe. Watch tragedy happen.../ Why, why, if only I were never born, if only. Why, why.

My life...it wasn't supposed to be this way.

Let's get the bullet out of the way second now this one may be a bit well surprising but-

Futa Love Scope

Look I don't want to do this to any of us here, considering how Stork is viewed as a character but I have to. I can't unsee it.

"That's right! You know me from way back. Those feelings already begin to excellerate."/ "Don’t act like you have no idea! We won’t forgive you- You’re the crazy one! Ban-Ba-Bang"- "FUCK IT! You won’t be forgiven, it was stupid licking each other’s wounds." "You already noticed right? What you gonna do?"

"Ah, now that you mention it- It's an unchanging feeling 'Attention' only to you."/ "I'm already obsessed!" "You’re the crazy one!" "You already knew, the whole time. You can’t escape, how do you like the taste of punishment?" "You won’t be forgiven, a coward, never!"

TELL ME! Please, do not hide it! 'Communication'. I want to sing about the 'you' that nobody knows. I want to peek at all those feelings./ "What I want to hear is the scream deep inside you!"

SHOW ME! Go ahead and just be yourself! 'Realization'./ "Bye bye idiots and devils with a faces of angels. We will expose you all by whipping you with words until you are bruised."

"I will take away your smile, I will take away everything until nothing is left. Unleash this hot impulse but do not get lost into it."/ "It's a bit annoying because I can't handle too much hot food. I want it on repeat, I want a spicy treat- Can I get seconds? One more time! I want to burn bright red!" "I want to escape, but I'm not able to."- "Flames closing in, can’t douse this FIRE!"

"I will not let you go until I die. Let's hold onto everything properly until it becomes transparent."/ "Isn't it alright to have loved? Tied together without touching anyone. Isn't this also fate? Dissapear, dissapear, this kind of love-"

"I don't need a love where you're just holding back. I'll always be watching you. Ah! Right now...it's so painful."/ "Did you call it love? Clinging and being impatient. Isn't it alright to kill the type of me that hates you?"- "I can't stop! I don't want to stop! Make sure to cool it down so you don't get burned. I want to escape, but I'm not able to."

"That's right, it's showing on my face. I want to protect you, I cannot stand it! TELL ME! Please let me have this 'Recreation' with your words."/ "Bless me, please, with one more chance." "I’ll deign to hear your last words if you want."

How many times have you repeated this love. I want you to scold me more. I can't have enough! That's why it's amusing./ Tears aren’t enough, no way no how it’s going to end. It’s so hot, so hard to breath, there’s no solace for my heart.

Ah, right now...It's so hot (painful).

Q.07 What have you been into lately?

Futa: Finding a way to distract myself from the pain.

Let's share the answer 'Imagination'/ "If you know I would like you to tell me first. Okay?" "Hot is good, don't you think so? Is it a big deal? Hey, isn't the word "but" not not good? Want to hear the word "more". How is it inside your head?" "I'm already obsessed! Is it doing super great? Hey, honestly isn't it not not crazy? I want to hear the truth! It's heating up inside my head! I CAN'T STOP! I DON'T WANT TO STOP!"

Love Scope manages to perfectly embody all of the things brought up not only in Futa's own songs but the songs he was given to cover. Making it an all-around good fit for him.

Mu Tokemeki Reverie

At the window, I rub my sleepy eyes.

I want to be loved more than anyone else... / "Take more and more (honey) and devote to me." "I told you I’m queen, and it will never be changed." "All the 'good' things that happened today, were actually no good without you." "Why won’t you stop hurting me? My heart is all dried up." "The stabbing of the little devil’s voice, counterattack being a suicide note “I love YOU”."

I had a dream about drowning in a sea of tea. I don't want to go away.

"If I was gone, if I had just disappeared. I overheard, I found out. How much I’m not needed." "I see it in my dreams even though I erased it. Maybe I'm done."

Please don't wake me up. Embraced by the silk bed. I'm still sleepy I stop the ringing of the alarm clock. Together in a dream!/ "Let’s meet up inside the pain, a place just for me." "God gave me everything, everything is as I wish." "All I have, I'll transmit to you. Even this disease. Because the more painful the more I want to share with you."

I just want to run away from this love./ At the mercy of an endless love. NOW, I can't stand love.

This tea time won't have an end. So, forget everything. The marriage of love and sweetness. Heart-pounding reverie, a maiden wonder zone!/ "I don’t want tomorrow to come, I want to forget yesterday."

I am always dreaming because the wolves are scary. Don't stare at me with that face. Don't show your fangs to the real me.../ "Hey, what if- If I am a bad girl. Don’t hate me."

I can't erase those thorns. So, I have no choice but to embrace them. Tie your heart with a pink ribbon. Please dissappear. I'm always in my dream./ "I told you I’m queen, and it’s always the same. God gave me everything, everything is as I wish. If you want to betray from jealousy. You know what’s gonna happen ON YOU."

Embraced by the silk bed. I want to sleep, please drop off the alarm clock. DO NOT DISTURB ME! This see-through tulle's dress reveals my heart. Drink all the tears, all the tears that I have shed./ "I was miserable, someone please help me." "Just one more time before saying goodbye. I’m just kidding, please forget I said that." "Why won’t you stop hurting me? My heart is all dried up."

A dream scape heart-pounding reverie. A Maiden's Secret Place./ A place just for me.

Haruka Originality Incident

23/04/07 Haruka: Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. PleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-san

I won't give you any of my words. I have closed my mouth. Don't even smile at me. I have hidden my face.

23/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday) Futa: Oi, you. Is he ok? He’s not even left his room lately. Mu: You mean Haruka-kun? Hmm. Yeah, probably. I’ve been bringing all his meals to him so he should be fine. Isn’t that great of me? Futa: Hah? Who the hell says that sort of thing about themself. … ah, no, well, right now I understand a bit. When you’re feeling down, it’s nice to have someone who relies on you and accepts you. The rest of us can’t really understand you from where we’re standing. But well, if you’re Haruka’s “salvation” then I guess it really is great.

Let's play a song of salvation, shall we? It will be a perfect song for you blind guys, right? Phrases that repeat over and over again. It's like echoes that make you stop thinking./ "The word I tried to say was “You’re unfair”, And those words thought how pitiful I am." "You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”." "It’s enough, I am a “disappointment”." "I am always repeating yesterday." "How many more times do I have to do this so I can be human?"

Buried in solitude, I will protect my world. I won't let anyone touch this beloved place. Don't look; don't look at me! There is nobody here, nobody, just look away!/ "My loneliness was desired."

I don't need kindness. Because it only makes you miserable./ "Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change."

I don't need rightness, you just have to break the mask./ "The right future unfairly chose the wrong me"

Steps repeated over and over again. Footsteps echo, like you are afraid. I will make a world by eating loneliness. This is the ideal place which I have always imagined./ "I will definitely make you love me again." "I promise to make my dreaMU come true."

Let me go, let me go! I don't need you! Close it, close it! Don't make me expect something.../ "You shouldn’t get so close to me. Bringing misfortune to people is the only thing I’m naturally good at. The more you know about me, I’m sure I’ll bring misfortune onto you as well, prison guard."

Emotions peeping at this moment of chance. I thought I had forgotten what I truly wished for./ "I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling. I was in denial, I was in denial." "If with one click, and I can reset everything- Can I be your favorite this time?"

Buried in solitude, I will protect my world. I love this place where no one can notice me. Find, find out about me... Reach, reach for it! I stretched out my hands./ Someone please notice me… Don’t leave me alone, don’t leave me.

Amane Sin

An ugly and rage-filled ending... From now on, I'll erase everything!

"So nary a sound can be uttered a second time, I’ll crush your throat too."

Receiving an incomplete life, I am waiting for divine punishment. Throw away your pitiful ego. The price is tainted in red.../ "The “It can’t be helped”, from the scum who can’t be helped. That makes them doubtlessly, clearly, absolutely, unequivocally, beyond any doubt, GUILTY. I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed."

I will take on the power from the god of this world. If everyone can be saved right now! I shall become the substitute! Now! -Bring down the hammer of justice!-/ "Dear wise one, am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself? I promise! A pinky promise is a pinky promise! Even I can say "I'm sorry" Even I have hope I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it! Dear wise one, Is this ok? Is it ok to be weak sometimes? I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah!"

A place where the ventilation is bad. A jet black egotist. I learned about an unforgivable sin. The price is tainted in black.../ "I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow. Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart. So there is no second time, I’ll give back the judgment that you gave to me." "Despite this. The “It can’t be helped”, from the scum that can’t be helped- That makes them doubtlessly, clearly, absolutely, unequivocally, beyond any doubt, categorically, emphatically, GUILTY!" "After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry”. You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already. Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?"

A jet black egotist/ The “It can’t be helped”, from the SCUM who can’t be helped.

Kotoko Peterpan Syndrome

Love 'me', who is nobody./Laugh and I can get to like myself.

I was not afraid of anything when I was a child. I believed that I was special.

"Treat you like a child? Hah, you’ve got to be kidding. Back when I was your age, I was already the person I am today. I don’t have any plans to let you get away with something just “because you’re a child.” ……remember that."

Q.04 When did you start learning martial arts?

Kotoko: When I was in primary school, I think? Without enough power, justice won’t be upheld.

Q.07 What did you study at university?

Kotoko: Technically, I’m studying law. I’m on a break right now because there’s something else I want to do, though.

With these hands of mine, as I desired I will change the world./ "I can’t forgive the evil hurting the weak It’s unforgivable, I won’t allow it, I sweared." "Whose fault is it, this is getting ridiculous."

Q.12 What is your motto?

Kotoko: “There’s no other way that could let us live, so I walk this path.” [TN: Quote from Mushanokouji Saneatsu.]

Q.13 Do you have any regrets?

Kotoko: No.

Stretch out your hands and grasp it. The one and only 'me'. Let out your voice and praise the special 'me'./ "I want to be drowning in the knowledge that I am right."

I didn't want to admit that I am the same as the others. I pretended not to see it and conveniently closed my eyes./ "The person that can’t be saved, is now understanding the abnormality."

I wanted someone to recognise the fake me that I have created. I'm alone in this world like a child./ "Shall we replace the poor soul, and the miserable delusion." "The person that can’t be saved, is now understanding the abnormality." "Losing it, losing it, what should I hope for?"

Envelop and embrace me. The 'me' who is like a child./ "Newly born “HARROW HARROW”. It’s ok to dislike, right?"

Mahiru Distorted†Happiness

This feeling of love for you. That's the only reason my body moves./ "Mon-mon-monstrously in love in love. Mon-mon-monstrous, cuz I love you so much. Mon-mon-monstrously in love in love. A monstrous dilemma!!! I just love you so much!"

"The things that I only want to say to you, and the things that I want from you- Is love."

Mahiru: Because I know how precious it is to be in love. The moment you love someone, you realize the beauty of the world as it changes. To not forgive me means to take the act of loving away from me. That’s the same as not being alive. It’s the same as not being able to drink water or breathe. So… if this love isn’t allowed, then I don’t mind dying. Kotoko-chan’s acts aren’t a problem, either. I think she’s fighting for her own cause as well. So I don’t blame her. Because I also think that I… that my love isn’t wrong. I don’t want to be shamed for my love.

Your feeling of hatred. That's the only reason my body fidgets./ "We can both feel lonely sometimes, but wonder if you’ll get angry soon." "We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt. Let’s have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad."

But to say it's a lie however… If this sorrow can be healed. Continuing mutually to be fooled./ "Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let’s just overheat together!" "I don’t need anyone else, as long as I have you I could do anything as long as you smiled, I actually believed that." "Saying I love you but doing what I did, I know I have no right, crossed and covered in sin. My love, it scored an own goal, destroyed my love and me with its weight. Tell me, oh tell me why, can’t I just do it right?!"

This urge of love for you. It is strangely hard to understand. Your impulse of distress. It is less hard to understand./ "This can’t go on, something’s got to give, I even love saying the words, “I love you”. My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care! Tell me, oh tell me why, won’t you just accept me?"

This never-ending Mobius ring. Hey, why do you want to run away? All the happiness of the world is here!/ "I get it, I get it, I agree there was enough love in the first place." "What you trampled is my, “This is how to be in love with you”."

Yuno Onboro

A malignant tumor of misfortune, expanding more and more.

It’s a tool to blow apart the absurdity of reality./ "Our love links us together. Just me alone, the warmth starts fading away. Let’s reload the warmth." "“Poor naive little girl”? So off the mark,what’s it to you? It’s just absurd."

The days that can never return. I close my eyes and remember them on these nights./ "I messed up, I found out."-"Are we over? Please don’t answer. What do you want to do? Please tell me." "Desire, bestow, and desire again. The episode reloading on an endless loop. The fading warmth makes me anxious again. Tear drops succumb and fall."

How fleeting, how fleeting, how fleeting, how fleeting, how fleeting./ "The warmth starts fading away."

I don’t need, I don’t need, I don’t need, I don’t need, I don’t need such a specific excuse./ "“Poor naive little girl”? So off the mark,what’s it to you? It’s just absurd. Like really, who do you think you are? Don’t weigh me measure me against your morality Just shut it, will you? You know it all- Feeling magnanimous? INNOCENT? I’m so not that. Just shut it, will you? You know it all."

A scream scooping out my organs, and the squirming, ugly emotions./ When I vomit up everything I was hiding, they were all things that you were like, "That's so true!". I don't believe you but I don't not in honesty. I'll just use to pass the time until morning comes.

The most pathetic excuse for a life. I dreamt of laughing with you so many years ago. I want to spill out the entirety of this grief and hatred, ah-/"“UNDER” My cord’s being pulled but nothing’s ever enough. Contractual desires, oh what to do, FUTURE." "Until I eat all of you, I'll scream!"

I’m sure I was alive back then, my body still had some warmth./ "Reload the warmth." "Let's just do it please smile." "The episode reloading on an endless loop. The fading warmth makes me anxious again. Tear drops succumb and fall."

The peace that was crushed and trampled on like a bug. It won’t heal, it won’t heal, it won’t heal, it won’t heal, so what’s really the right answer here?/ "I want to be your stickybug for a bit each and every day." "If we connect and check, maybe I can die." "They may pile up until I'm crushed. It's fine, it's sad, it's painful- Until I eat all of you, it's okay, it's fun, it feels amzing."

A whole life’s worth of murderous impulses, and the emotions of falling into despair./ The lies are endless. Just me alone, it really is lonely.

I can’t stand everyone going away and leaving me alone./ "Hey, say that you love me so it won't ever be forgotten. Since I don't need anyone but you." "Let’s be together till the morning “Good morning” “Good night” I want to be with you as many times as I can." Just me alone, the warmth starts fading away."

I want to kill the despair and sing, I want to sing, so. Even if I shouldn’t, I’ll create this song. Even if I become a worn-out thing that’s lost its voice to flame./ "They may pile up until I'm crushed. It's FINE. It's SAD. It's PAINFUL. Until I eat all of you- It's OKAY. It's FUN. It feels AMAZING. It's so ADDICTING that I'll drown- I'LL SCREAM!"

Let's just do it, please smile?- I can't smile well anymore- It's because of you.

I want to spill out the entirety of this grief and hatred. A pathetic and hopeless worn-out thing that’s lost its voice.- Contractual desires, oh what to do, FUTURE!- What do you want to do? Please, tell me.

Kazui Angel's Song

Accept it, compromise, or give up? I’ll overcome it with the angel’s song. Broken wings won’t do anything for me anymore; O Maria, come and destroy it all here.

We can change the destiny that was imposed on us at birth./ Maybe, perhaps... or... could it come true... like It’s for the sake of true love, who wouldn’t lie for that?

I’ll break down that wall; so what if it has to come with empty feelings?/ "Please tell me what I should do, feelings shrouded in lies will float away and disappear." "Since when have I ignored my feelings? It’s better to be a let down, than to be let down yourself."

Your very own Holy Grail is the affection you were seeking. There’s still frailty under the perfection; where am I? Where are you?/ "That sticky-sweet sequence: Dinner + Camouflage + You-Know-What Loving Affection (minus) Love, it’s tacky, this two-way deceit."

You’re still struggling in the same darkness, too; are you okay with that? Accept it, compromise, or give up? I’ll overcome it with the angel’s song./ "Laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me, is this what happiness is? Where did I go wrong, probably from the beginning." "The curse of reuniting with you puts a dagger in my heart. I imagined that you saying "See you" is the same as "It's over”. Only if your heart would change but that’s not possible. Please tell me what I should do, feelings shrouded in lies will float away and disappear." "If continuing to hide is called unhappiness, not even one word will get to you." "Better to be a let down, than to be let down yourself."

Broken wings won’t do anything for me anymore./ I can’t stop, I can’t be normal. This feeling, it can’t be gratified. I can’t stop, I can’t be normal. This feeling, it’s yearning to be satisfied.

Love (plus) Destiny = Crap, smash it, shatter it, bye-bye/O Maria, come and destroy it all here- Maria..

Lie, until it-

I'm sorry the perfect Shidou song from the Caligula Series will always be Eternal Silver. I cannot unsee it and not many songs fit him from the first series.

Now into the wild shit. As I told pretty much everyone. I have finished Caligula Effect 2. General consensus was in many ways it glorifies the privilege of a select few and does extraordinarily little to hide this fact. Yamanaka puts the wealth disparity in fandom on full display throughout Caligula Effect 2 as he rightfully should.

Fandom spaces while still being alcoves for what were previously deemed social outcasts have become more mainstream than they've ever been. Not only that but fandom itself has become a great source of capital in almost every country. This is especially true in Japan. It's not a stretch to say that fandom has become an expensive hobby to engage in.

Yamanaka highlights this by having everyone within the Caligula Effect 2 cast be notably comfortably middle class or explicitly wealthy. To the point of even highlighting the wealth of the musicians we face in all their deep dive stories. He's very in the audience's face about the financial privileges the cast of two have. This is highlighted by Sasara's problem being labeled end of life care something that many don't have the luxury of being able to afford whether it be paying others to do it or even having family that is able to do it for them.

Kiriko is a famous performer in the real-world playing retail worker in Redo because she wanted to live off her own hard work and merits this time around. Recognizing that a lot of the financial success afforded to her was due to her fans in reality and feeling a certain way about not living up to their expectations due to burnout. It's a reasonable and human worry to have but in an age where popstars are masquerading as Walmart employees to promote their works well it's not difficult to see the similarities.

Caligula Effect 2 is meant to reflect the worries of modern individuals. People in fandom when the game came out. Most of fandom in and out of Japan is financially secure now. Hell, even well off. They need to be to afford to engage in the things they wish to at times. This isn't true for everyone; I, myself, am broke as hell and my family always has been.

If we wanted to get something entertainment based, we'd usually have to go into credit card debt to do so. I've been in fandom discord servers with people who have had shrines to one piece of media, pools in their backyards, lived in mansions and had maids. I've been in fandom environments with comfortably middle-class individuals and obscenely wealthy ones.

That have-

Devalued black lives as less than animals. (more than once)

Said the LGBTQIA movement was created by white Americans and has no ties to black activism or pocs.

Were globetrotting socialites. That could fly in and out of country when they so pleased.

So, when it comes to two highlighting the issues of modern individuals. There's a conversation to be had about all those people having generational wealth. Something that is repeatedly pulled to the forefront. Purposely throughout all the musicians' stories their wealth is directly referenced multiple times or alluded to. Albeit this happens post-game.

Machina

Machina, save for his well-to-do upbringing, was once an ordinary child like any other. Eventually, a die-cast toy robot bought for him as a child would bring him back from the brink. Such gifts were one of many for a child born to wealth. His parents noticed that these inanimate objects caused him to stop shaking. Taking it as a sign of his recovery, they continued to buy him whatever he wanted. Seeking an outlet to vent these thoughts, he turned toward the virtuadoll software his parents had bought for him when he was younger. He had begged his parents to buy it for him at the height of μ's fame for no other reason than because it "seemed cool." At the time, he had little to express, losing interest without ever using it. Upon dusting it off later on, however, he found the melodies and verses practically flowed out from within him.

His family's wealth is referenced several times throughout the dive deeper passage explaining his background. The musicians mirror the cast so chances are despite having office jobs they now or not they were well off when younger and are still doing financially good now. Not one person complains about what they will be doing outside of the time needed to physically recover once they get out of redo. None of them are remotely concerned if they will have a home to go back to or somewhere to stay. It doesn't come up because it's a nonissue. Everyone here has their fiscal needs met upon returning from redo.

But let's continue with how the musicians continually highlight this immense difference in wealth. If I wanted to sit through people humble brag about affording to do shit I can only dream of affording these passages are where I would go. Because that's what they are.

Pandora

Born to a family of musicians, Pandora grew up playing the piano and violin from a young age. Her family expected her to eventually attend a conservatory of music, as did Pandora herself. She begged her parents to let her work part-time, pouring all her earnings into supporting Hikaru. Interacting with them via paid photo-ops and handshake events became her sole pleasure. For Pandora, life as an idol fan was beyond fulfilling. Pandora was a big spender, a fact even Hikaru Hanamaki knew. Needless to say, she was given special treatment and attention, filling her with both gratification and a sense of superiority. "I have to make more money. Then I can spend more time with him." Pandora cut hours at the school she'd worked so hard to get into, picking up more jobs in order to fully devote her life to Hikaru. She attended every single event, and ran donation drives when sales were low. At times, she'd even buy hundreds of copies of the same CD. Though she knew it unnerved her friends, she bought extra tickets and invited them to live concerts. Part-timing alone couldn't sustain Pandora's spending. The rest, she earned by sugar dating. Her taxing schedules consisted of several men a day. But despite all her physical fatigue, emotionally, Pandora was fulfilled. After all, everything she did was for her beloved Hikaru. Pandora realized she had nothing left for her. At the age of 21, she didn't have enough credits to graduate. Even as her enraged parents disowned her, she had no strength left to defend herself. Pandora was in no mental state to continue attending college at that point, and so instead began to post her compositions online.

But Gunsli, Pandora worked for all of that money herself she can spend it how she wants and that's not privilege she just got played. Yes, she did work for all that money herself but none of it needed to go into utilities, housing, food, rent- She had the ability to spend as much as she did on idols because her family covered those things up to the point they disowned her. Also, people who aren't well off aren't begging their parents to get a job.

There was a dude in my high school that had three and did his classes at the same time and most of his money went you guessed it to his fucking family, to pay bills, to get food. Not to fucking idols.

MU-kun

Oh, come on, he's an office worker- He can't. You need at least college bachelor's or higher to get an office job in this day and age. College isn't free in Japan. But entitlement always is worldwide baby. Let's get going-

In elementary school, MU-kun, captivated by the vastness of outer space, aspired to become an astronaut. Those around him supported his dream, bolstering his confidence. In middle school, MU-kun strove to be an artist, but upon joining the Art Club, found that the images in his brain never came out right on canvas. Picking up a brush became a stressful experience each time. In high school, he sought to play in a band, but decided not to join the Music Club. Despite composing original songs on his guitar to express himself, he never publicly performed during his school years. By the time MU-kun was admitted to an average university, μ was at the peak of her popularity. He devoted himself to virtuadoll composition, having at last found the perfect medium he had been waiting for. After graduating from college, MU-kun landed a job as a systems engineer.

Mu-kun works a position that gets at the least five million yen a year which 33,810.25 usd. He was able to go to schools that afforded him the luxuries of extracurricular activities. The people around him were supportive of his dream to become an astronaut even to the point of him doing engineering in college, one of the avenues in which one can work through to obtain that job.

Individuals who want to become an Astronaut must first complete their undergraduate studies to attain a Bachelor’s degree in Engineering, Biological science, Physical science or mathematics. During their undergraduate degree, individuals must focus heavily on science and math courses to gain valuable knowledge that can be used for flying into outer space. Although not required, a Master’s degree in Engineering, Biological Science, Physical Science or Mathematics is highly desirable.

Making it very likely that despite not being near Pandora's level of wealth, his family were more than likely in the same comfortable financial range as Machina's. He's also able to afford to purchase μ at the peak of her popularity. The same as Machina who begged his parents to get it for him was able to.

#QP

This one will be shorter since no deductions on wealth need to be done here to illustrate the point. The text just comes out the gate stating her financial upbringing-

QP grew up the sole recipient of her parents' love. Raised in an average, middle-class family, she lived a fulfilling school life, with few inconveniences to distress or vex her. QP learned the piano from youth, a skill that she found outstanding success in. In school, she had no trouble making friends with a good number of girls her age. She began to distance herself from romance thereafter, telling those around her that she simply wasn't interested. Desperation was not a good look on her. Besides, social expectations aside, her life had no faults.

Making QP possibly the lowest in the terms of financial status amongst the musicians as she is stated to be averagely middle-class and nothing more. However, it is still highlighted that even though she was not raised with the same financial prosperity as her peers amongst the musicians she wanted for nothing she was good. Because the average middle-class is still financially comfortable.

You're not worrying about utilities not getting paid, food not being accessible, how you'll be getting to school, if you'll have housing or not later on or even access to the internet. She's good. Hell, averagely middle-class is still enough to be taught piano apparently.

Doktor

Do, do- Do I even have to explain this one he's a doctor? Do you know how much it can cost to go to school to become a doctor worldwide. I- Like his passage isn't even about his familial upbringing but we can likely take a fucking guess based on his profession. Like not to be too candid here but come on? He became a practicing doctor at twenty-five. The age one would be if they began studying to become a doctor directly after graduating high school. His life path was not disturbed in any way.

On top of that, he immediately began work on a wealthy family's daughter. Something that, in itself, speaks well of his background since a wealthy family would only want the best for their kid. Not some bozo who barely knows anything.

At 25, Doktor had his first patient, a ten-year-old girl from a wealthy family. Her congenital, incurable illness limited usage of her legs, and she had spent nearly all her life in a private hospital ward.

Speaking of that covers the next person too.

Kranke

For as long as she can recall, Kranke had lived in a hospital. Afflicted with a rare, incurable disease, her life consisted of little other than wasting away in the private ward her wealthy parents forced her into.

Kudan

Kudan was the daughter of Tetsu Ushizawa, a rising politician who could stir the hearts of his supporters with a single, honest word. Kudan felt a strong sense of admiration and pride for him. Hoping to one day help her father in his political service, Kudan devoted herself to academics in her youth, delving into myriad subjects in an attempt to absorb them all. Kudan's intelligence and talent quickly became apparent. However, she struggled with public speaking from birth, and despite her and her parents' attempts to address it, never improved. Nevertheless, she was not too discouraged, as she had always planned on supporting her father from behind the scenes in lieu of assuming a more public role. Young as she was, Kudan realized a single truth. Her father's "loyal" supporters scattered like flies when the scandal broke. In short, "The masses have no habit of self-reliance." They were...hollow. The majority reacted without ever asking why. Their vaunted ideals and logic were only excuses to justify their own beliefs. Her father did not know that. He'd expected too much from the masses. In the meantime, Kudan learned of the incident caused by μ. The existence of virtuadolls seemed to fit in nicely with her own aims. Though the commotion with μ was written off as mass hypnosis, Kudan saw little reason not to use such a powerful idol for a political agenda. She then set her eyes on Regret, who had been rapidly gaining followers after the Astral Syndrome Incident.

Oh-ho, the team actually wrote an entire passage without highlighting someone's financial situation surprising right. Not really. Her father was a well-known political figure. Though still on the rise he was known enough to be dragged into scandal by one of his own aides. A scandal that heavily impacted the trajectory of his career. A lot of rising politicians end up at first backing their own campaigns before using the financial aid of donors to pay for campaign needs.

They can also have help from close associates as well. However, chances are that like her peers amongst the musicians Kudan's family was financially secure. Something they remained after the scandal as well. Since there is no mention of financial troubles in the passage and Kudan went about with her normal activities after. Certainly, her father's chances at a career in politics and reputation were ruined along with Kudan's own social reputation due to another incident but she was not deterred from pursuing politics in her own way in the future.

Specifying the virtuadol technology within the series as a tool that would be helpful in doing that. A consistent bit of information highlighted throughout Caligula Effect 2 is how the virtuadol technology the world of Mobius and Redo can be weaponized and repurposed for political or personal gain.

Bluffman

Bluffman was an exceptionally talented individual, both as a researcher and an engineer. At the same time, he was also a terribly tactless individual. Under normal circumstances, he could have easily utilized his high intellect and technological expertise to procure a high-end research position. Instead, he opted to live life as a peripatetic engineer out of a disdain for interpersonal communication. He married his childhood friend, and when he was 25, a daughter was born between them. Even in youth, he struggled with social skills and expression, unable to so much as pretend to be friendly or likable. Even still, his wife accepted him, flaws and all. For her sake, as well as that of their daughter, he resolved to do his utmost in the one place he could: his work. All other thoughts were put out of his mind. His wife left him. He didn't know why. Perhaps she had found another man, or perhaps she was unhappy with his disinterest in their daughter's issues at school. Whatever it was, he could only blame himself for not having even the slightest clue about what had driven her away. After he and his daughter had finished "grieving," in a sense, conversation between them ceased. It was then that he realized: he had only thought their family life was happy because his wife had been there to maintain it. She had been the linchpin holding his tactless self and rapidly maturing daughter together. Now that she was gone, he no longer had any idea how to interact with his only child.

Remind you of anyone-

Not dead- Yeah, she's definitely not dead... I finally understand the value of what I've been robbing people of.

Q.16 How did you meet your partner? Shidou: We lived near each other. We got to know each other as family friends. Q.17 Tell us your dating history. Shidou: My memory’s a bit foggy, but I had one partner in kindergarten, and two in primary school. I started going out with my wife in my second year of middle school, and we’ve been together ever since. Q.19 What was your partner like? Shidou: A strong person. I tend to be a bit careless in my personal life, so I was always relying on her.

Bluffman has a normal middle class upbringing with no determents to his goals. Even being comfortable enough to decide to pick his occupation not by how much it would earn but what would allow him to speak to people the least. Not a choice many people can afford to make. Despite this he's still very well paid as we'll see from his daughter~

Regret

Sayoko was born the eldest daughter of Koichiro Hitomi, an engineer; and Rio Hitomi, a vocalist. Interpersonal relations had been a struggle for Sayoko from youth. Other children would ostracize her for reasons she could not understand. At times, she would upset them. At other times, they would spurn her entirely. She could only surmise that her very existence was what offended others. Before long, she realized just how poor her social skills were. Even so, Sayoko would not let it discourage her. Consequently, she also made no attempt to reflect upon herself. What could she do? It was simply the way she'd been born. It was likely a trait she inherited from her father. As far as she could tell, the problem was of no fault of her own. When she was 14, her mother left for good. Perhaps it was her fault for refusing to attend school. Or perhaps her mother had been upset at her father's disinterest over the situation. Whatever the reason, she had no clue what it was. Only a single thought crossed her mind: "At least I don't have to worry about going to school anymore." With her mother gone, Sayoko began to hole herself up within her room. But even then, her father made no real attempt to actively connect with her. Without any reason to go back to school, nor any incentive to set her life back on track, Sayoko's life as a shut-in not only began, but remained for a long time to come. Armed with a credit card she had been provided for living expenses and food, Sayoko bought whatever she desired online. Though it had never come up in conversation, she assumed that her father was the one who paid for her purchases. The internet would serve to satisfy Sayoko's boredom. Moments would come when she felt the urge to return to attending school, or otherwise find a way to move on with her life. However, these anxieties faded whenever she saw others online who shared in her circumstances. She was the girl who had been bullied at school. The shut-in whose mother had left her.At heart, she almost wished she could stay that way forever. Change was not something she wanted. She had become addicted to the idle life of comfort that validated her victim complex.

Yeah, sound familiar?

I am doing this is just because of being bored.

I told you I’m queen, and it’s always the same. God gave me everything, everything is as I wish. It’s not my fault- I am absolutely RIGHT. If I was gone, if I had just disappeared. I overheard, I found out how much I’m not needed. There’s no special meaning, I got the short end of the stick. Q.04 What do you dislike? Mu: Scary people and ghosts. And right now, school. Q.06 If you suddenly had a large amount of money, what would you use it on? Mu: I usually do whatever I want, so haven’t ever thought about it.

Okay, Gunsli what was the point of highlighting all of that. Well firstly, it was a good way of illustrating the similarities between Caligula Effect and Milgram. They're written by the same person so of course they'll have overlap that isn't really much of a surprise to anyone. However, it's the things that come in next that are really interesting when it comes to Milgram as a series.

The reason I went through the trouble of highlighting the financial privilege of the antagonists of Caligula Effect 2 is because the antagonists directly parallel the protagonists. This means the same privileges can be applied to all of them. This aspect is highlighted the most through Ryuto. Someone that to their own admission is immensely wealthy with more opportunities and options than any of the cast within the game.

Struggling to grapple with his own immense privilege he puts it upon himself to fix the issues of and look out for those around him. The ones that have not been afforded the vast opportunities and benefits he himself has. His issue literally being labeled Noblesse Oblige-

Ryuto is facing this class divided between him and his peers head on and attempting to not be like the adults in his life that have failed to do anything beneficial for the rest of society with their material wealth. This heavily ties into the ending of Caligula Effect 2 as Ryuto commits to studying to become a doctor in order to help Kranke and Marie through their conditions. Beyond that it is implied to be through the financial aid of Ryuto that Chi is released to the market. As before he tells the gang of her release announcement through the group chat he says,

"I wondered when she'd get here."

Something that does not make much sense for him to say considering the game at points tells the players that the company that released the virtuadols tied to the Mobius incident had legal trouble after. Going bankrupt and halting the release of Chi as a result of the incident.

However, if someone else acquired the company after bankruptcy then they could push the release of Chi forward. This is what is implied by Ryuto's statement. Because his words do not make him sound surprised at Chi's release but as though he were waiting for it to be announced. Something he would only be doing if he was already aware of this before anyone else and just sitting on the news as a surprise for the others.

It would not be a stretch of the imagination to believe that Ryuto went about discussing acquiring or aiding the company that made Chi in order to release her to market. After befriending her in Redo. We also know from the existence of the chat log during this ending of Caligula Effect 2 that the micro-Mobius was not destroyed. Instead it is now fully a domain for Chi which allows her to let the go home club keep in contact after exiting Redo through that chat. Unlike in the other ending where the club does not keep in contact and the micro mobius does indeed collapse and is destroyed.

This is where Milgram comes in. As Caligula Effect 2 displays through Bluffman as long as someone has access to the code of mobius they can access and slowly repurpose it to suit their own means. We know that Milgram has done thousands if not millions of experiments such as the one we see in the web series as it is implied in the novels and manga. However, that's not necessarily indicative of how many years Milgram has been around but how many people it has been able to draw in.

Something any Caligula Effect fan knows is that Mobius and Redo are capable of drawing a lot of people in at once or over time. The micro mobius of Redo can draw in thousands and Bluffman is working on repurposing it to draw in more people. Furthermore any milgram fan that plays two will notice something very familiar about Regrets boss fight.

The fact that she is being driven to combat by the voices of her fans (the audience). An overwhelming amount of voices and eyes on her. The same way as the audience is portrayed throughout Milgram. She hears all these people depending on her wanting her to keep going and not leave redo.

It's all these voices that are fighting the against the player in order to protect their ideal Regret despite the players knowing that ideal doesn't exist. Regret has told the player as much herself. Begging for the player to kill her so she can get out of this crazy situation admitting that she'd been helping the player get through this all along just to get to this moment. Because she was made incapable of harming herself and getting out of here by Bluffman.

Caligula Effect 2 highlights that all these people to an extent have financial privilege in order to emphasize that this technology not only exists within this world but is in the hands of the wealthy. Who would have every incentive to use it in the ways we see it used within Milgram.

How much would someone pay in order to put somebody else in here who they thought killed their family?

How do all the prisoners not know how they ended up here? Why does Kazui ponder about what organization is behind all of this? How Milgram was able to bring ten acquitted murderers together and why? Sounds a lot like what Kuchinashi was doing in Caligula Effect Overdose. Where she attempted to punish Eiji in Mobius for crimes he committed in the real world and was acquitted of due to a lack of information and an inability to tie him to the scene of the crime. For again reasons that everyone who has played Overdose are privy to. Kuchinashi uses μ to peak into Eiji's heart and memories to simply tell if he was that lawyer. A surface level bit of information that is not hard to catch.

Yet more details than that may take a bit of extra prodding and time to be extracted. Beyond that the Milgram audience is expressly shown that all of the prisoners have in fact heard Miku's music. This is displayed both through them cover her songs and Yuno's mvs where she signs her covers at karaoke.

Now what's the first condition of ending up in Mobius or Redo hearing one of the idols songs. Everyone who ends up their was conveniently listening to one of μ's or Regret's songs before hand. Am I proposing that Milgram is a continuation of Caligula Effect no I believe a Milgram game would be but not the web series.

I'm suggesting that the web series is using the same mechanics as the Caligula Effect games. And also that it would be fun if it was, in fact, a continuation. However, since we are unaware if Miku exists within the Caligula Effect universe it's difficult to commit to that at this moment. However given the similarities along with Yamanaka's statements on wishing to make the audience into a characters along with his attempt at doing that within 2.

Chances are Milgram is an extension of the concepts already presented in Caligula Effect 2 and the reasons prisoners are said to be lost instead of dying is because there are these things in the Caligula Effect games called lost souls. Because everyone in Mobius or Redo is in reality within a coma they would not be considered physically dead within this digital world.

However as we see with Eiji Biwasaka the deaths that happen within the Milgram novels are still very much possible within this digital world. As Eiji Biwasaka is killed by a large falling piece of glass within Mobius. More than likely this is enough of mental shock to cause a mental shutdown in reality or as is brought up in Shidou's case brain death.

So literally everything that can happen in Milgram can happen within Mobius or Redo. People can sustain damage, starve themselves, die the whole nine yards. They can hear these voices talking all around them. The voices of a place called Metaverse-Es. A space for the collective human consciousness. Soooo, what's the likelihood of this many coincidences occurring without it being considered a pattern or an escalation?

Because it seems like an escalation to me. However, that's just a speculation. It would be interesting though and we know from his previous stories this technology simply exists. Furthermore, all the characters in Milgram have all said at one point or another just like the Caligula Effect cast they want to go home and we were even implored at the very beginning to vote as though these characters would be released back into society depending on your verdict.

I wonder if like the Caligula cast the prisoners will try to get home the hard way too. It's never too early for a jailbreak.

#milgram #caligula effect overdose #caligula effect 2

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