#and when PAIN is what drove you to use both emotional AND physical ?? that’s a HEAVY order okay.

[wcshedup]

why can’t barbie just get clean ?? it takes 96 HOURS to detox fully from h8.

[daidonzo]

Chapter 20 - Better to leave each other speechless [Chishiya x Reader]

Chishiya didn't really understand how his words had made you feel.

He had said them as if they were no big deal and he was just stating a fact, using a similar tone one would employ to comment on the weather. "Oh, it's cloudy today." Same, same.

But for you, the world looked different. The sun shone brighter. The sky was bluer. The desolation and pain of this world reduced to mere annoyances.

He still drove you crazy, both in a good and a bad way. You still didn't know what it was that you were - you had kissed twice, after all, and you had dates with whom you had shared more physical intimacy than that - but he had told you both, that he loved you and that he couldn't imagine his life without you in it… which was a lot more personal, deep and real, wasn't it?

If he was surprised you were in such a good mood, he didn't ask.

He probably knew.

You had gone searching for new clothes to wear, the ones you had ruined and torn apart by trying to escape the King of Spades, and he had found a white hoodie again. Not like the one you knew and loved and had met him with, but almost. Apart from it, he was now wearing a black t-shirt and trousers of the same color.

"You look very good." You had told him, seeing him wearing it for the first time, giving his look a double thumbs up as a sign of approval.

He had eyed you up and down, a few times, a half smile present on his lips.

"You look ferociously beautiful."

You then mumbled something that sounded remotely similar to a thank you and hid your face behind a curtain of your hair.

At that point, you were almost below the gargantuan image of the Jack of Hearts, which apparently took place in a penitentiary center, or so the blonde had said. You didn't know what kind of game it would be, but you had been guessing, your nerves increasing as you got closer.

"Picture this." Chishiya nodded, dividing his attention between what you were saying and checking you didn't hit or trip over anything, since you were walking backwards, few steps in front of him, to be able to look at his face while you were speaking. "It's a game of hearts, so they are going to play with out emotions. Therefore, they cloned us. And they will make you choose, like, who is the real one? But she's identical, she even has the same birthmarks…"

"Do you have a birthmark?"

"Yes, on my hip, but that's not the point. So you would have to ask her… to ask it questions, until you know. Otherwise, you would kill me and then my clone would kill you, so it's game over for the two of us."

"That's easy for me. Your clone probably hasn't been exposed to your mother tongue enough to speak it like a native."

He was no fun.

"Imagine it has."

"Then I would ask her to tell me what is her favorite part of Shrek."

"The donkey and the dragon getting together is everybody's favorite part of Shrek."

He chuckled at that, it being a catalyst for you to smile.

"How would you do it?"

"Hm?" You were just staring at his beautiful face and couldn't even remember what the conversation was about. "Ah, tell you apart from your clone?"

"Yes."

"Hm… I don't really know. I couldn't ask it about your personal life, because I really don't know much about it either way…"

"What do you want to know?"

You stopped walking abruptly, and squinted your eyes.

"Who are you and what have you done with Chishiya?"

"Just ask."

You thought for a second. What did you want to know about him? Well, apart from pretty much everything.

"Why do you want to become a doctor?"

"My father worked in the medicine field. It was natural for me to follow his footsteps."

"There has to be something else!"

"I also wanted to see if helping people would make me care more about life."

"And did it?"

"Now it's my turn to ask a question."

You wrinkled your nose, experiencing sharp pain for a second when doing it. It was healing a lot slower than you would have liked, but at least the bruises surrounding it were now a pale yellow, almost unnoticeable unless one would get too close.

Both of you were standing in the middle of the street, facing each other, but it was still a weirdly intimate situation.

"Let's hear it." You agreed.

"Your parents are still together, from what I have gathered, aren't they?"

"Depends on the day, the week, the month and the alignment of the stars. They were very in love when I was a kid, but it was tumultuous. Now… They are together, but I think it is because they do not know how to live without the other person."

"I take it that's not your idea of love."

"Of course not. I'm a hopeless romantic. What's the point of love if it doesn't burn, if it doesn't feel like a lightning bolt through every cell of your being? I would want to meet someone that I never get tired of seeing in the morning. Can you imagine, waking up and being like "oh, it's you again"? Sounds depressing."

"Have you met that someone already?"

"Well, yeah, you."

He looked at you, startled, even flustered. He didn't expect that.

To be honest, you didn't either. The words had just come out of your mouth, and there had been no thought process behind them.

His smirk reappeared within seconds.

"Are you saying you could wake up every single day of your life next to me and never get tired of doing it?"

"I said what I said, draw your own conclusions. Also, my life could end this afternoon, so you should hope I don't get tired of you before that." Your words sounded angry, if only because you really didn't want him messing with you regarding that particular topic. They were your Achilles' heel, your feelings for him. You really, really, needed to learn to think before you spoke.

He lifted both hands, still smiling.

"No need to get so defensive. Plus…" He took a step closer to you. And then another, until your could almost feel his breath on your lips. "I don't think I could get tired of you, either. And I have yet to see that birthmark you mentioned."

And just like that, he kept walking.

You were left standing there, eyes closed, lips parted and moving, waiting for that kiss.

Until you realized it wasn't happening, and sprinted behind him.

He was laughing, and as good as it felt to hear him do that, you were outraged.

"You're going to pay for this!"

[linskywords]

Taylor Swift Meets Hockey RPF: Advent Calendar Day 7

The 19th ficciest Taylor Swift song ever is…

Song: Breathe Album: Fearless Year: 2008/2021 Lyrics: https://genius.com/Taylor-swift-breathe-taylors-version-lyrics Ficciness Rank: #19

I initially wrote this song off because it's purportedly about a breakup, and most of us don’t want unhappy endings in our fic. But it’s actually pretty unusual among Taylor’s many breakup songs: there’s nothing reproachful about the other person in the lyrics, nothing that says the relationship is broken. All it talks about is the pain of having to separate from someone. There isn’t even anything definitive that says they were romantically involved.

So what if it’s not about a breakup at all? What if it’s about…a trade?

A trade when the two people haven’t gotten together yet, when they haven’t even admitted to themselves that they want to be together. They’re just best friends who certainly aren’t unknowingly soulbonded or anything like that, haha why would you even bring that up. Then the trade is announced out of nowhere and it hits them both like a hammer blow to the chest. One of them has to fly hundreds of miles away and the other has to stay here and it does feel, literally, like they can’t breathe. As the season goes on, they keep going to the team doctors with physical symptoms, and the doctors can’t find anything wrong. One of them does get asked if he’s sure he isn’t bonded to someone? But no, he would obviously know about that. This is just…normal emotional stuff, he can push through it if he tries hard enough. It has nothing to do with the guy he has to stop himself from FaceTiming literally every night before he goes to sleep.

Pairing I’d assign to this song: I know I just did them, but this one has to be TK/Patty. Patty gets traded to Vegas, and they’re both telling themselves that this is totally fine, it won’t be a problem. It shouldn’t be a problem. But the longer Patty’s gone, the more trouble TK has sleeping at night, and Patty…Patty’s body is fucking falling apart.

The only thing that makes it feel better is to be on video calls together, so they start doing that. At first it’s just once in a while, but soon it’s for hours each day. On days when they don’t have time for it they’re pulling themselves through by their fingernails, struggling not to collapse. Claude is the one who picks up on it first; he had an unacknowledged soulbond with Danny back in the day, and it drove them both crazy before they figured it out. TK laughs him off when he suggests it, tells him it can’t possibly be that, but…he’s starting to wonder. And then they fly to Vegas and he sees Patty and it’s like the whole world has color again. He runs over to Patty, too fast probably, but once he’s wrapped in Patty’s arms he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about them. It’s such a relief to just feel like a person again. He goes home with Patty instead of going to the team hotel and they spend two days touching as much as they humanly can. Anytime they’re not on the ice, they’re cuddled up on Patty’s couch, first in all their clothing, then losing more and more until they’re skin to skin. TK feels like he’s soaking something in through his skin, like he never wants to leave their little blanket haven. But he has to–he has to fly back with the team, so he says goodbye to Patty and takes a cab to the airport. He’s in the cab when he starts getting dizzy, but it’s okay, he can just power through. He gets as far as the crowd of waiting teammates before he finds that he can’t really walk anymore. His knees are folding. The world is going fuzzy. He’s not sure what’s happening to him…

(It’s bond shock. Claude and the team doctors call him an idiot and get him straightened out, and he and Patty get put on a nice regime of physical contact until their bond stabilizes and they can get by on frequent visits and phone sex.)

Lyrics to title this story: Never a Clean Break

Masterpost Playlist

<Prev | Next>

[eddieheart]

T&T

(Part one)

Fandom: Stranger Things

Pairings: NONE

Words: 965

Description: Baker thought she’d never have to move again, she was wrong.

"You told me we'd never have to move again!" Baker asked, voice strained. Her eyes watered as she looked to her older sister for answers.

"I'm sorry Baker, really I am. But- there's been rumours, rumours that- that a number is missing from the compound and if they are we need to look for them. We need to be the ones to find them." Ri said in a calm tone.

"I was finally starting to like it here." Ri sighed as the younger girl walked away. This was going to be more difficult that she'd thought.

——

A sign flew past her as they drove ahead. I was supposed to say 'Welcome to Hawkins' but Hawkins had been spray painted over with the word 'hell'.

Baker let out a sad sigh as they pulled into their new driveway. A one story house on the edge of town. It was a fixer upper, it had a huge hole in the front wall and there were suspicious stains and holes all over the house.

Ri let the younger girl pick her room first. She chose the one at the end of the hall, it had a small walk in closet and a wooden floor. Setting her bag onto the floor, she sighed again and laid back onto the hardwood.

Ri had told her not to use her powers but she just couldn't help it, Baker missed her home.

Closing her eyes, she imagined she was back home. Their house was now filled with strangers and was void of all their hard earned happy memories. Baker watched from afar as a young family moved into her old house.

A voice called out to her. One of the house's new inhabitants had left and walked over to her.

"Hey there, are you one of our neighbours?" The older woman asked. Baker shook her head no and ran off into the woods.

When she opened her eyes she was met with the sweet face of a fat orange cat. It nudged her side and curled into her. It laid on her chest as a soft knock rang through her new room.

"I thought I said no A.P?" She asked with a smile, arms crossed.

"Sorry Ri."

It wasn't new, the fact that Ri didn't want her to use her powers, not unless she was there with her at least. Ever since they'd escaped the lab both girls had been wary of using their gifts.

Ri had the power of controlling ones emotions, almost like hormones, she could shift the emotions of others as well as heal them slightly.

But Baker's was different, the doctors called it astral projection and bilocation. The ability to project yourself somewhere and be in two places at once. For Baker that ment her physical body would look as though she were sleeping, while the not-her could do what every she wished.

Ri had rescued them when she was 18 and Baker was only five. Baker's memories before escaping were fuzzy at best, she remembered pain and betrayal and bad emotions. She also remembered Papa, not her Papa but the man who'd held them captive.

Whiskey nudged her arm again, startling her out of her trance. Ri looked over at her with a soft expression, she leaned against the doorway as Baker sat up to pet her cat.

"Thinking about it again?" She asked softly. Baker nodded in response, looking down at the fat cat in her lap.

"I brought your stuff in okay. Don't get too caught up in exploring the new town." She smirked at the younger girl who immediately perked up.

"You'll let me?" Baker asked excitedly. Ri nodded with a smile.

"Since I'm here it's fine. Go ahead, I'll be in the living room if you need me." Ri walked back into the living room leaving Baker and Whiskey alone.

Baker preferred to astral travel than to go out on her own. When she was travelling she could do anything, when she was out she felt vulnerable, exposed.

She slipped down onto her back as her cat sat contently on her stomach. Closing her eyes, baker imagined she was in the woods she'd seen on her way out. Wandering through she listened to the sweet song of the birds, the putter patter of squirrels and the soft chatter of people deeper in the woods.

Wandering closer she noticed a clearing, a sweet looking blond girl in a cheer uniform stood next to a tall boy dressed in black. He must have said something because they quickly moved to the picnic table to sit.

"Do you ever feel like you're going crazy?" She asked the boy softly, staring at the ground.

Baker backed away, this was clearly a private conversation. Even though she wasn't really there, Baker liked to respect the privacy of others.

She stumbled and tripped over sticks as she ran off. The young girl ended up wandering the street alone, she noticed a video store. Walking inside she was greeted by a kind looking boy.

"Hi, welcome to family video, let me know if you need anything." Baker skimmed the tapes and found a few that her and Ri would  definitely like.

She made a mental note to come back with Ri later. Movie nights had been something they shared ever since their escape. An escape from the bleak reality they both had to deal with.

She waved goodbye to the man after putting the tapes back onto the shelf. Baker found the alley next to the building and closed her eyes softly.

When she opened them she was back in her new home with Whiskey. He rubbed his head onto her chest and kneaded her with his paws. She leaned back softly, maybe she could start to like it here.

Part 2:

@buggylad

[writing4funj]

So much to process today. Its been nearly two months since my mum passed away.

Its so hard to believe. To be honest I'm a bit lost without her. When you get used to caring for someone with a terminal illness, your days are filled with both trying to live "normal" life whilst making time to care In this role that is ever changing. One week I was able to talk with mum, in her muffled voice affected her progressive MND. Another week her reliance on writing on a white board became 24-7. Another stage was struggling to eat and having help her when choking on her food... sometimes just her saliva. She was able to go on holiday and eat with us prior to this. She was able to play sports for maybe a year of her diagnosis. Then eventually the weakness got to her neck and started to weaken the muscles in her face... making her beautiful smile a bit more rare. She retired to just doing her art class, walks and happily watching Mrs maisel, Derry girls, friends, dad's army etc. I kept her comfortable in her chair and wat hing the light shows we could laugh along to, together. Then the art class stopped, the neck lost all strength, and tubes for suctioning and feeding her became a constant reality. Sleep and comfort became more difficult. Toilets and showers became mountains, a nemesis. A breathing mask became an necessity and source of frustration for her. And then the hands, her sweet hands weakened as she went for respite, begging for a break from the stresses of home. She didn't want to burden, she wanted to rest, and life had become constant health care professionals stepping in and of the house. So many questions, planning and sleepless sleepovers. The weight on everyone, visible. Then the drive to respite came. That drive, I sobbed silently in the backseat as I knew that it would be the last time I would watch my parents together on that road. We drove past the church building and halls, and old school where they first met.. for the last time. .y heart broke for them. Into respite and the hunt for getting comfortable started, an Impossible place to find. Constant soothing, distraction and comfort was needed. Staff took over the physical and I took over the emotional. So much pain, when I realised mum was slipping away. She came was brought back and we gathered for what felt like forever, sitting, waiting, willing her to go, willing her to stay. The discomfort felt tangible and went on and on. I buried my head in my sisters shoulder as I held my mums hand and telling it was ok, she was ok. I was trying to tell her it was ok to go but I didn't mean it. My sisters face buried in my poor dads shoulder. And then at last the medicine arrived to calm. And we waited, finding it unbelievable at the bodies will to live. The legs were still moving , willing to keep going, fighting for every last bit of breath. My nephew reaches out his smile hand and wraps it round her big toe with glee. And then I saw her draw her last breath. Shock. I ran out and screamed " no" , wailing. The grief immediate. I went back and I made sure to give her one last big squeeze like we used to do. I felt her ha ds, her arms and face, kissing her and said goodbye. Bye my mummy.

[cinnamoneve]

Hiii¡,Could I request gojo satoru marriage hcs?

ofc nonnie !! i have so many thoughts about this ( ˊᵕˋ ; )

thank you for requesting, i hope you enjoy ♡

𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝!𝐠𝐨𝐣𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐮

⤷ let me get the pain out of the way first ♡ satoru is present in every way that isn't physical, most of the time. usually he's busy teaching, on a mission, or doting on his precious students. that doesn't mean he won't make time for you, or soak up any moment you two have together !!

⤷ he is a little (very) clingy though, and will try to insert you into any aspect of his life he can. one moment you're on your first date, and the next you're a 'teacher helper' (he made this up) and going to work with him every day.

⤷ on the bright side though,,,total 180 when he's home. wakes you up with breakfast in bed, keeps the house just spotless for you, always runs you a warm bath or shower if you've had a long day.

⤷ his love language is actually all of them but HEAVY on acts of service and physical touch. if he's not attached to you at all times he WILL die. if you don't cuddle every chance you get or cook together or shower together he WILL perish, i'm afraid :(

⤷ will use every excuse he has to call you 'my wife' or 'my husband,' loves the official-ness of it all!

⤷ supports you in ways you didn't even know were possible !! living together and being married just brings you even closer. he's memorized your routines, the little habits you have, the way you like your tea made, the things you grab on a late-night snack run...he keeps a mental note of everything so he can surprise you !!

⤷ spoils you. makes sure your flower vase is never empty. goes out of his way to get you things and then tries to play it off like "saw this and it reminded me of you!" mf drove an hour out of the way to pick it up !?

⤷ thoughtful !!!! keeps all your needs attended to. if you've had a busy day, dinner is waiting for you at home with a warm blanket and your husband's embrace,

⤷ has the most fun doing mundane things together. grocery shopping? he's already got his shoes on. need to run out for a few things at target? the car is already started. craving a late night snack? he is buckled in and ready to go.

⤷ in sickness and in health, he treats you like a newborn baby when you're feeling down in any way. acting like you're a victorian child on your deathbed, patting you with a cool towel and supporting your chin as you drink water. running out to get you anything you need on a whim if you even so much as hint at it.

⤷ his dramatic ass is the same though LMAO so he's probably just projecting 🙏 but you give him that same energy back and it makes him just melt.

⤷ cries seeing you walking down the aisle on your wedding day. vvv emotional but plays it off like he isn't.

⤷ marrying him means adopting all his students and being as involved in their lives as a parent would !! and it just makes him adore you even more.

⤷ can't help but to crave what's next for the both of you. is it kids? is it adopting an animal together? god, he can't wait to find out. he daydreams about it all the time.

⤷ keeps it romantic by having a mandatory date together every week. always sets aside 'you time' so he can continuously make you a priority. constantly apologizes for the time he's away, the danger he puts himself in, and everything in between. he isn't sure how you put up with him but thanks you for it every day.

⤷ all in all, he's a gem. what he lacks in quality time with his busy schedule, he makes up for in every other aspect. doting on you IS his full time job, and he is employee of the month. of the year. of the lifetime!! he loves love and he loves to love you for the rest of his days<3

[perennialsporadicity]

Emotional Processing

I am getting a divorce.  I am mourning.  I am hurt.  I feel played and betrayed.

I believed in him, I loved him, I trusted him.  I feel as though I sacrificed years of my life to work toward a better us.  I worked so hard to heal myself and make myself into a better version of me so that we could have a healthier "us”.  He endured so much pain because of the wounds I brought into the relationship, and I took ownership of that.  I worked on myself and made tough changes.  I checked in with him often to make sure he was okay, that he was happy with me, with us.  I pushed because I could often sense something wasn’t quite right.  I pushed often because I was resentful of some things, and I wanted to address the issues instead of feel that feeling.  I just didn’t know how to do it right, and I moved into a territory of toxicity on the opposite end of the spectrum from the passive aggression I knew.  He withdrew more and more, and I pushed harder because of it.  I was feeling insecure.  Now I know I had every right to be.  He didn’t even know in those moments, in those days, how close to the edge he was.  He didn’t know how to acknowledge it.  

My inner child, my younger self, somewhere along the way learned that love is withdrawn when I do something wrong.  I become too much, unworthy of love because I upset someone.  It’s incredibly painful that so many act in this way.  On many levels it’s natural to withdraw when someone hurts you, but he left me with the deepest of the wounds.  He’s a good person - I know he is.  I doubt anyone but me is reading this, but if you happen to be, know that these words I am sharing are about 5% of the whole of our relationship.  They are a deeply impactful and unhealthy 5%, but they are only 5%.  He is a good person, but he has been astonishingly cruel.  He has left me in pain and remorse to punish me, has physically and emotionally left me, and betrayed me.  He says that he has never been like this until he was with me.  He blames me for the toxicity of our relationship, and that scares me deeply.  I have a hard time believing that with all of the work I have done on myself, all the countless hours of therapy and emotional training, could not have allowed me to be so toxic that I deserve the way he talks to me and the way he treats me.  I take full responsibility for not having awareness of when I was pushing too much in an argument, but when he says these things, it sounds like he means that it’s my fault.  Not just that I have played a part in why we have gotten to where we are, but that his outbursts and his calling me awful names and telling me hurtful things is my fault, that him threatening to hit me, even having that desire at all in the first place, is because I drove him to it.  He has had issues with taking responsibility for his actions/words in the past, and I have a feeling that this is just a manifestation of that, but I can’t help but feel like on some level he could be right, and that I am just still a failure and can’t have a healthy relationship.  I never wanted him to get angry.  I never enjoyed the arguments.  Every time I approached him, I was doing so out of a place of hurt, out of a place of hoping we could reconnect.  I wasn’t getting nearly enough of what I needed from him emotionally.

I’m also hurting deeply because I sacrificed my time, energy, and youth to support both of us as a family, but mostly so he could finish his graduate program and build a career that would support us.  He worked himself to the bone, and he earned what he has, but he could not have managed it without me.  I provided an income, and though it was a meager one, it gave us enough consistency that he could focus on building his skills and career.  I supported him while he got certifications, paid for online classes, and taught himself a new set of skills to build a new career.  I worked for years in customer service jobs that sucked more often than they didn’t.  When we “made” it and he got his first high salary income, I still worked to supplement our lifestyle and bills.  He told me, when I finally got to start going back to school, that my decision to continue to work (which was paying my tuition and padding our pockets), only served to supplement my lifestyle and my spending habits. He claimed that my efforts were of no benefit to him. While it is true, and he would technically be remotely comfortable in a much less expensive apartment and with cheaper accommodations, it just felt ungrateful to me.  I couldn’t see that what he was communicating is that he wanted very much to live like he was still in poverty while making the income he had.  We didn’t have the nicest possible apartment, but it was about $800/month more than what we technically could have been paying if we could sacrifice on quality and space.  I had a hard time seeing that because he always wanted space to himself, he had his own separate room to live a large part of his life in. He slammed that door so many times on me. I get his logic, but I still feel like he was discrediting my contribution.  He is much more strapped for income in the situation he is in now - which reflects financially how it would have been for us if I was not working.  I wish he could see that while he has a small point, it’s precisely that.  A small point.  

Now, as soon as he is done with paying his dues to me, I am going to be immediately left to my own devices of figuring out how to support myself.  If I don’t get lucky and get a decent paying internship like I want, I am going to have to join the workforce doing something that is likely not what I had in mind before.  Boo hoo, I know.  I really wanted to go to grad school - straight to a PhD or into a masters first, and become a licensed therapist and develop a business plan to provide people with high quality mental health therapy.  I’ll still try my luck with getting into a higher education program eventually, but I just don’t think it is realistic on the timeline I was hoping if I have to make sure I can afford to take care of myself without going into even more enormous amounts of debt.

Wrapping it up, I feel as though he couldn’t be true to me, couldn’t remain with me, because he was denying parts of himself more than was sustainable.  He was trying to make me happy, and did so often to his own detriment, but he lacked the self awareness to see when it was going too far.  This is my thinking, which is influenced also by elements of the relationship that are not mentioned here.  He didn’t take enough time to figure out what he really wanted out of life, what parts are non-negotiable, and what parts he should fight harder for.  He also denied his feelings, which are pretty summed up by feeling a lack of control over the relationship.  He had a savior complex for me, where he would rather him be the one to sacrifice his comfort/happiness so that I could be happy, but in doing so he did not set boundaries with me that would have been healthy, he did not communicate how severe he felt his issue was (maybe not for a lack of trying - I am sure I argued my way out of some of his points he brought up), and he did not notice when the problems went too far for him.  

Where I will do better in the future is that I will be a better listener when someone comes to me with a problem, be more open to compromise if it does not sacrifice my safety or values, and have more awareness of myself if I go on the defense when I am criticized.

[07.20.2023]

[twistednuns]

February 2023

Though your destination is not yet clear / You can trust the promise of this opening; / Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning / That is at one with your life's desire. / Awaken your spirit to adventure; / Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk; / Soon you will home in a new rhythm, / For your soul senses the world that awaits you. - JOHN O'DONOHUE

Solange Knowles' loft / interview for Apartamento.

24 hours of meditation. Which isn't all that much for 3 months (okay, more than 100 days by now) but imagining doing it all in one sitting is pretty cool. This whole "don't break the chain" thing just helps me to keep going so I haven't missed a day so far.

Petting the goats with Dorie. Talking to the birds. Matcha Latte, no sugar. Cheesecake with poppyseeds. Sketching. A quick escape due to overstimulation. Shopping. Ending up with a sports top as yellow as egg yolk. A yoga pad. And amaretti morbidi. Then we played three rounds of pool in a studio with starry, sparkly glitter walls. I pulled my coolest move and Do took a picture. She couldn't laugh after her wisdom teeth surgery so I taught her to hold up a finger each time she wanted to smile. Her stern face had made me feel too insecure.

Baking orange muffins with Lena and Sash. Grating the zest. Juicing. I'd arrived with a big basket full of art supplies so we just sat round the dining table for a few hours, painting. It felt like art therapy. I noticed how still I become. I can't really talk when I'm in the zone. I loved my results and the swirly, colourful technique I came up with that day. Afterwards we stole some of Christian's espresso and whiskey cheese and had patatas bravas for dinner. I drove Sash home and we talked about going on a little holiday together the following week.

The court employee telling me I could just give my brother a written mandate and immediately escape from here. Liberating.

Therapy. Twelve more gifted extension minutes. Sometimes it feels like she actually enjoys talking to me. She even wrote down the movie I'd mentioned, Girl, Interrupted, perhaps because I'd said that I see myself as the Angelina Jolie character in this story. Unsuccessful shopping. Dinner and (unsuccessful) pub quiz with Margit.

Another heartwarming short story by Robin Sloan. I simply adore this writer and his manifold hobbies and niche interests.

I decided to check out the pub quiz at the local Irish pub on my own. I just wanted to sit at the bar and hear the questions - but I noticed someone playing alone and asked him if I could support him! So we played together and talked about or lives and travels. I'm just kinda proud that I chatted up a random stranger and it was ok - nobody laughed at me or rudely refused to talk to me. All these fears and insecurities, the worst case scenarios I act out in my head... that's what's actually torturing me. Doing the thing rarely is. Fuck anxiety.

My tears left a beautiful salt stain on the black laptop.

Getting a chest massage. I've been having so many stress symptoms in this area, a lot of pain and tension... so this was just a really good idea.

Surviving two consecutive yoga classes. Interestingly, Vinyasa was easier for me than Moon Hatha because we had to hold difficult positions for a very long time. You know it's tough when you wanna kill your instructor for saying things like we stay here for five more breath cycles... Uh, the aggression. The theme that evening was digestion - both physical and emotional. And one of the ladies applied tiger balm to everyone's neck and give us a tiny massage! / Very chill Saturday Yin yoga, mostly with my eyes closed. But my knee is mad at me not and has started to hurt again.

A new business idea. I wanna open my very own "Heilanstalt". Something like a yoga centre with all kinds of classes and courses that are beneficial for a person's wellbeing and mental healt. Art classes, mediation, breathwork, seminars and lectures... a few therapy animals here and there. Everyone keeps saying that this would basically just be like continuing my mum's mission and I don't know how I feel about that.

Making giant eggplant/halloumi burgers for breakfast (and dinner). I even caramelised onions and bought mayo.

Vintage shopping at Hab&Gut (even though I wished for a regular clothing size once again, it's so sad to leave cool items at the store because they just don't fit you). Finding a very cool dark green trench coat... not sure if I should get it? But the other day I bought a cool zigzag blouse in my favourite colours and a brand new green fake fur jacket. I hope it'll keep me warm in Iceland.

Lena and Sash visited me for brunch and I made pancakes and tropical porridge for everyone. Then we walked to the city centre and got fancy chocolates (pistachio nougat) and cheeses (truffle pecorino and Mimolette). On our way home we stopped at the vegan café (where I wrote something magically uplifting in the toilet guestbook) and I managed to be back in time for yoga.

Reactivating my Netflix account for a Sunday on the sofa. I devoured all the available snacks and watched the new season of You. After the fifth episode I noticed disappointed that the second part won't be published until March.

Finding out that my mum's coins and jewellery are worth more than her car. Nice.

My magic wand broke on Valentine's Day. Just stopped working. Zap. I don't know why this is a good thing. Hm, probably because I find it very funny. The irony, eh?

Watching the entire second season of Kärlek & Anarki in one go. The Skandinavian fashion and design are excellent. Also, I'm not sure what kind of lover I want more: A femme fatale who just won the Nobel prize for literature or a young IT guy who's telling me what to do via post-it notes.

I finally finished writing my reviews for 2021 and 2022. Phew.

Journalling on the train to Merano. Looking out the window, seeing the mountains come closer. Listening to The Sugarcubes/Sykurmolarnir, Björk's old band (Sash told me about them; I really appreciate her cool taste - she keeps showing me new and interesting things). Björk has been a recurring theme ever since I bought a tote bag with her portrait in a feminist bookstore in Mexico City. She was mentioned in the book I'm reading. And in Bologna, I even saw a bus with an advertisement for her upcoming Cornucopia tour (I really wanna go).

Deep Talk over pizza and red wine in a vinoteca in Italy. We talked about my writing, lists, my dead mum.

The weather in Italy was so mild and sunny, almost like spring. I wanted to go outside without a jacket, hop on my imaginary Vespa and meet friends for Apéro.

Stucco clay. I love the warm atmosphere it gives a room.

The thermal pools in Merano. Jiggling all we got in a narrow infinity pool, checking our reflection in a glass wall. Falling asleep in the resting area. Sauna. Hot and cold salt water outside.

Losing my phone. Finding it again.

Leaning back in an armchair after meditation. Looking out the window behind me, the light hitting my face. Sunshine, a pretty apartment. Life is better than I tend to think.

Finding Ich bin dein Mensch in ARD Mediathek. I really liked the movie and Maren Eggert's acting/character.

A scenic trail up the hills surrounding Merano. A lovely view, meeting lizards and the grumpiest cat. I love the contrast of the palm trees in the sunshine against the snow covered mountains in the distance.

Italians call their train lines pop and rock. When I saw this I thought... hm, there should be jazz too, right? And indeed, one our way to Florence I actually saw a jazz train. Amusing.

Espresso con fior di latte - what a revelation. We also tried it with zabaione and vanilla custard with pine nuts.

Ice cream with salty roasted pistachios at Cremeria Santo Stefano in Bologna. Caffè Bianco was amazing, too.

Ordering a bunch of delicious Tigelle, a Pignoletto and a Green Spritz. I love finding new food and drinks I've never tasted before.

The beautiful wall art in that Brazilian Fusion restaurant we found by chance. I think the restaurant was in an old church and our table must have been in the altar room.

Staying at a super old-school hotel with chandeliers and velvet sofas. Carpet everywhere. Luggage carts and page boys. Opulent breakfast buffet.

My hunch for interesting exhibitions. I keep finding cool spots like that Spanish video installation in an old church in Bologna and the Gucci Archetypes gallery in Florence.

The Neptune statue at Piazza della Signoria. Surprisingly good butt.

Truffle Tagliolini. Just pasta, butter and fresh truffle. Delicious.

Visiting a cheese dairy in Parma where they make Parmigiano Reggiano. Mattia talked us through all the steps of cheesemaking and I fed and petted a few of the cows. I learned that they have surprisingly long tongues. And that these days a lot of Indian families are working in Italian dairies to take care of the cows (apparently because they treat the animals so much better since cows are sacred in India...) We bought half a kilo of 50-month old cheese to take home. I love it when the old cheese has already formed lots of little crystals.

We had a whole train compartment in first class to ourselves on the way from Bologna to Munich and folded out all the seats. We ended up with a comfy lounge area, ate all the snacks and actually fell asleep a few times in the dim light. When we stopped at Brennero for a while I woke up, it was warm and dark and I noticed some eerie sounds coming from the train. Very musical. Felt special.

And in general: Having a room all to myself. A cinema, a lane at the swimming pool, a sauna, a train compartment... I'm always so happy when that happens.

I guess 2023 is the year I'm turning into a sauna person. I used to hate it but the other day I sat through two "events" (someone pours water and aromatic oils on the hot stones to create more heat and steam) and kinda get the appeal. They even give you extras like honey for your face or cold towels. There's music and the guy fans the hot air all around you. I love jumping into the ice cold pond afterwards and when I get out my skin prickles. Or I pour a bucket of ice water over my head. I shouldn't be surprised. I mean... I'm a Taurus and I've always loved water so why wouldn't I like a place like that. Warmth, falling asleep in a pillow nest, getting coffee and snacks, back to the sauna - sounds like me.

Trying a new Frank smoothie that tastes like Almighurt with marzipan and poppy seeds. Yum.

Free dolmades in my veggie kebab.

My therapist managed to sign me up for long-term therapy. 36 more sessions. Which is a good thing. Therapy is my hobby. AND she realised today that I didn't believe I could be cured. That I'm convinced I'm too broken. But she said I could be fixed! Healed! I just need to learn a few lessons I missed when I was a kid. Sounds promising.

Dopamine Nation was such an interesting read. I learned about the pleasure/pain balance so I'm seriously considering a dopamine fast now.

Learning many interesting things in Iceland. That they're running hot water pipes under the tarmac to melt the snow and ice (everything runs on geothermal energy). And the astronauts on the Apollo mission did their training for the moon on Iceland's lava fields. It's THAT otherworldly. And there are auroras on Jupiter! I loved learning about the science behind auroras in the planetarium.

And I actually saw a pretty spectacular Aurora Borealis one night. A moment later, the dude next to me got down on his knees and proposed to his girlfriend (she said yes).

The Icelandic countryside was amazing. We saw seals, a whale spine, ponies. All the waterfalls. A geysir. Lava fields, mountains and rivers. Cliffs, elf stones, black lava beaches. A crater lake and a large fissure between the Eurasian and American tectonic plates.

More random joy: Vintage stores. Taking pictures on rainbow street. Cool art. Writing postcards. Walking through an artificial ice cave. A super friendly feline Reykjavík resident. Zooming around on e-scooters for the first time. Discovering a tiny thermal foot bath during a walk to the lighthouse. Lounging in the warm water at SkyLagoon.

[letmebelievethatthisisntit]

The reason why I say I would hate you regardless is because you brought me to one of my lowest, darkest and scariest places in my life.

I have come to accept that I am generally a sad person. I am not very happy or bubbly and I do have my depressive moments. That’s okay.

I only wish I would have changed my life and evolved alone because I never would have thought that doing so next to the wrong person could effect oneself.

My lowest point was last year in August. When I became pregnant with a baby I had zero intentions of keeping. I was taking care of myself, I wanted to prevent this from ever happening and I failed myself. The pills failed me. And as if that wasn’t already hard to swallow, you were also saying you trusted me. Not to be in this situation. I was set on not going through with the pregnancy and I know viewing this scenario as a man, it can be very foreign. Because you are not the one experiencing pain. Not physical but I’ll give you a pass and say maybe you felt it emotionally.

Already dealing with my emotions and knowing what I was walking into with the process, all I wanted was support. A mature response. This was the best choice for both of us. I wanted a hug. God the way I just wanted a fucking hug. Just a, “hey, you’re gonna be okay. I hope you know I’m here.” And instead one pill in, you wanted to have sex. I had already been in several situations where I said no and for some reason to you it meant convince me.

I wanted to avoid that. I didn’t want to repeatedly say no. I didn’t want to feel lonely, but I didn’t want to get fucked either. I just know that you could feel the connection wasn’t there yet you didn’t stop. When we were done I was bleeding. I drove home and cried. It was nothing new. I thought why?…Am I really not lovable? Or worthy of even just a hug and reassurance that I was going to be ok.

Following day was step 2 of the pills. I took time off. I was home. I was hurting. I hate how much pain I was in and it felt at one point that I was bleeding too much but I’m sure it was just a normal process. My mouth hurt from where I was told to place the pills. I cried. I wish I would have never had to make that decision.

I wondered what your days were like? If mainly you felt relief. Did you actually care about me? I felt nothing.

I felt sadness but that sadness was so dark.

I didn’t want to be here. Every night I thought so much about how I did not want to be here. I hate it here. This wasn’t a scary thought to me, I had been here before, but this time because I am more conscious of my feelings and what the root of it was I was set on not being here anymore.

I thought about my kids.

I don’t want them to be anyones burden. I don’t want them to feel like damn mom didn’t love us enough to stay with us. The thought of someone else taking care of my kids and them feeling like burdens was so awful.

Here’s what scared me.

[carolap53]

June 27, 2022

He Rescues Us CRYSTAL PAINE

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español

“Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.” Isaiah 65:24 (ESV)

Last week, I took my toddler daughter, Kierstyn, out for a walk in our neighborhood. It was raining a little bit, so we bundled up in jackets before we left.

For the first 10 minutes, I was thinking how refreshing the light rain was. I felt so prepared to have thought to put on jackets so we didn’t even notice the little bit of wetness coming down from the sky.

But then the floodgates of heaven opened up on us, and it started pouring rain!

We were about three-quarters of a mile away from home. The wind was whipping around us, blowing the rain, making visibility and pushing a stroller really difficult. Within a few minutes, we were both soaked, and Kierstyn started crying.

I wasn’t sure what to do, just that I needed to get back home and get her dry ASAP. But despite pushing the stroller as quickly as I could, I was not making much progress at all because of the wind and the rain.

In the middle of her crying, us getting soaked and me feeling so bad about taking her out on a walk, I saw a car approaching us on the road. I thought, The person driving this vehicle is probably wondering who this crazy lady is taking a toddler out for a walk in a thunderstorm.

As the car came closer, my embarrassment turned to enthusiasm and relief as I realized it was our car, and my husband was the driver! I hadn’t even thought to try to text him (much less get my phone to work in the pouring rain), but he had realized we were out in the storm and had come to rescue us.

Not only was it one of the most romantic gestures ever — especially in my cold and soaked state! — but it was such a picture to me of my heavenly Father. How often God rescues me before I even think to ask for help or even know I need help!

As Isaiah 65:24 says, “Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.” And Psalm 18:19 says, “he rescued me, because he delighted in me” (ESV). God is always working on our behalf — often behind the scenes in ways we don’t even see or know!

When I was out there in the middle of an unexpected storm, rain-soaked and wondering what to do, my husband was at home realizing I needed help. He didn’t just think about my needing help; he got in the car and drove to physically help me.

Our heavenly Father is the same way. He not only sees us in our distress and discouragement, but He is faithful to send the physical, spiritual and emotional help we need, just when we need it.

If you are going through a storm right now, hear this encouragement: You are not alone. God is with you in the storm. Look to Him for what you need. Cry out to Him; ask Him for help as Psalm 50:15 instructs:

“… call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me” (ESV).

Our heavenly Father is a faithful, trustworthy Deliverer. And even on the stormy days, He is working on our behalf to watch out for us, carry us and rescue us.

Lord, help me to look to You instead of trying to white-knuckle through life on my own. Let me constantly remember — especially when the unexpected storms come up — that You are my Helper and my Rescuer. Thank You that I can rest in You and rely upon You and that You will be faithful, even on the dark and stormy days. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

[mosegaard71hildebrandt]

Testimonies From an Empath

Emotions for instance fear, fury, and frustration happen to be energies. Like the virus, you can possibly "catch" them from your peers without having realizing it. Empathic people can be clairvoyant sponges that soak up energy everywhere they go. In my twenties and thirties, I used to be so vitality sensitive that in the event that I heard a good ambulance siren, We would feel instant panic. If I actually come upon an crash scene or even a homeless person, I cried. If I observed an open injury, We would feel some thing like the shock all over my figure. In traffic, We felt the anger and frustration of my fellow drivers so keenly that my throat would close upward and i also could certainly not swallow. Once i was throughout my prayer closet, I would weep, groan, shake, and even travail on behalf of others. These types of and similar cases were so popular for me i thought everyone felt this way. My partner and i had no idea that I was a great empath. I experienced never heard about like a thing. Nevertheless I quickly learned that I am not alone within my empathic abilities, that can be both a gift along with a curse. In section 2 of the new book, In whose Stuff Is This?, I share stories from your empaths We interviewed as part of my analysis. There is the wide variety involving situations in which often folks have realized by themselves as an end result of this user-friendly gift. Many of these individuals have just understood they are empaths; other medication is veteran empaths who will be using this particular intuitive gift since part of their very own healing practice. website evaluated said that it includes both saved the life and broken his heart. "I thought I has been an agoraphobic for the longest mainly because when I had been around a lot of people My partner and i felt overwhelmed, inches said Jonathan. " get more info thought it had been anxiety, but then I began to be ready to tell if someone was lying down to me. This can hurt to be able to know someone you love is lying for your face. " Anyone We heard from explained she if your woman drove past a serious car accident, the lady would feel most the emotions of the people involved, including typically the confusion of the person who acquired just died at the scene. If presently there was someone inside the car ready, she felt uncomfortable about crying plus having to explain why she has been crying. Samantha says being an empath is generally draining. "You may feel grim or have to prepare yourself to get around people. This makes it unattainable down to exactly what you truly experience instead of precisely what others are projecting to you, " says Samantha. "There will be a few people who find themselves very good at disguise. Their strength may feel beneficial in the beginning, but these people can't keep up the wall lengthy. " Julie Isaac states she has usually known that your woman picked up people's emotional energy, but she didn't realize she was picking up their pain and pains, simply because well. "For decades I thought I got a hypochondriac until one Thursday night time when I recognized with every fiber of my being that will I was planning to have a center attack. Likely to include! There was zero pain, so there was clearly no reason to go to the hospital to inform them i would shortly be using a coronary heart attack. I decided to look at TV plus relax until We felt something of which would tell me it can time to visit the hospital. Then, instantly, the feeling/knowing removed. It was thus bizarre. The up coming day, Friday, My partner and i went to function and my employer was out ill. On Monday, they will told us of which she had a center attack on Thursday night. That's after i realized I has not been a hypochondriac; I had been picking up on other's physical strength. inches Fortunately, typically the gift of sympathy may be developed in addition to utilized to help other people without causing damage to yourself. Hillary Raimo may be the owner and author of the signature UNtraining� series. As a good empath she feels energy and can tune in to the particular emotional energy involving another individual, animal, or even event in order to read it. She says the particular gift can generally be dismissed by others or wrong for psychological concerns. Hillary pursued psychology in college therefore she could better understand herself, but when she began to be able to explore shamanistic in addition to psychic studies, that clicked that your woman was empathic just about all her life. The lady now uses this gift in your ex act as an user-friendly healer.

[yesimwriting]

To Be Alone

VAGUE SPOILER WARNING FOR SHADOW AND BONE BOOK SERIES-- I try hard not to mention why the Darkling/General Kirigan is the bad guy so that I don’t spoil anything,, but the reader finds out that he lies about his identity and that he’s super sketchy/not a good guy (again,, I avoided as many specifics as possible to keep it from being spoiler-y)

Warnings: lowkey manipulation, kissing/makeout, slight fingering

A/n y’all drove me to this lol,, pls be nice!! This is the closest to full on smut I’ve ever written!! Ahh I’m lowkey scared to post

Summary: the reader finds out something about the Darkling/General Kirigan, he finds a way to convince her to stay 

--

No amount of evidence will ever be enough to convince me fully. A part of me will always hold onto unjustifiable doubt because a part of me hopes that if I hold onto the lies tight enough they’ll turn into the truth. But that’s not how the world works. 

General Kirigan. Ravka put its faith in him. I put my faith in him. I did more than that. I pushed aside my reservations and doubt in order to try and comfort him when he spoke of loneliness. Was all that a lie as well? 

No. I can’t afford to think of the emotional side of it all, because if I do I may find myself incapable of moving from this spot. I don’t have time to reflect on it all, to try and unravel hopeful lies and manipulative truths. That can be done when I’m not here. If I stay here, he’ll know I know and he’ll stop me from...what? What am I supposed to do next? I could find someone with some level of power to warn. 

“There you are.” Kirigan. I’m turned towards the window, not facing him, but there is no weariness or malice in his voice. He has no reason to suspect my suspicion. “Are you unwell?” 

Calm. I need to pass as calm. Not turning, I force myself to ignore the endearing hint of concern in his voice. “No.” I can hear his measured footsteps. “Why would you think that?” 

“I haven’t seen you all day,” he’s directly behind me now. If I turn, I’ll practically be against his chest. “And you didn’t come see me last night.” 

Oh. I knew it was a mistake to begin to pull on such a small thread so close to when he expected to see me, but it kept gnawing on me. That doubt. That tiny thing I couldn’t ever let go off. “I fell asleep.” No--I cringe at my impulsive response. He knows how difficult it is for me to fall asleep. “Yesterday was just really...draining.” 

In an easy movement, he places his hand on my shoulder. It’s a silent request for me to turn. Exhaling, I obey. Why? I could lie to myself and say that I’m listening to him in order to kill his suspicions, but the effect he has on me is undeniable. Even before touching each other became a casual thing on his part, my body wanted to react to him. 

He’s quick to cup my face, tilting my chin up slightly so that I can’t avoid his gaze. “What troubles you, little dove?” A nickname for when he’s feeling particularly gentle. Thoughts of the evil he has to be twist my stomach as my face flushes. Kirigan’s thumb brushes over the corner of my bottom lip, stalling as I fight the urge to melt into the contact. I meet his tense gaze cautiously. “You said nothing could make you look at me differently.” No. There’s no way he figured out my change with one look alone. I’ll deny it. I’ll do what I need to do to be convincing, and then I’ll manage to escape. His grip on my shoulder tightens. “Don’t you dare lie to me again.” 

The urge to snap and point out the sick irony of him telling me not to lie at him almost forces me to break. His gaze starts to shift away from me--towards the half packed escape bag I’d been in the middle of constructing. I stretch my arms forward, desperate to keep his gaze on me and away from what I can’t explain. 

Kirigan’s free hand moves to pull my hand off of his cheek, but he pauses, eyes shutting in peaceful contentment. “What do you know?” 

I expected his words to be angry, to border on violent...but he just sounds tired. Please, Saints, let me be wrong. “Is there anything to know?” The only reaction I get is the slightest stall of his breathing. “You said you didn’t want to be alone anymo--” 

“I don’t.” The harshness of his words almost coax a small flinch from me. 

Swallowing back the knot in my stomach, I exhale slowly. “A part of not being alone is being honest.” 

His eyes finally open. I don’t dare move as he moves my hand off of his cheek so that he can brush his lips against my knuckles. I suppress an embarrassing shudder. “You wouldn’t have stayed--if you knew you wouldn’t ha--” 

No denial. I can’t--I can’t do this. “You know what the worst part is?” I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe it’s true. “I might have.” Those words break something in me as I force myself away from him. The lack of contact leaves me more frozen than ever. “I might have! I might have been able to bear all the monstrous things you’ve done if you had just--” 

“What?!” He meets my outburst with one of equal power. “You might have stayed regardless?” The way he scoffs leaves me feeling like a wandering child. “You might have still looked at me like I hung the stars in the sky instead of like I’m the darkness they fight against?” I stay silent as he steps forward, quick to hold my chin in place with his long fingers. “I couldn’t risk you on possibility.” Kirigan’s gaze is so intense, a part of me is surprised that shadows don’t come at me--drowning me in darkness and him. “And don’t think me foolish enough to believe that someone like you would understand that I have to do what I’m doing--” 

“Have to?” No--how did I almost let him lure me back in so easily. I pull myself away, approaching my open wardrobe. “That’s not past tense.” He’s still--he’s still actively hurting people. Why had I been so stupidly naive to think that maybe this was all history? “I--I can’t do this.” 

Each step towards the exit of the room chips away at a piece of my soul. “You’re not walking away from me,” his strong grip is on my arm in a sharp instinct, “I won’t--I can’t be alone again.” 

I swallow back the lump of emotion in my throat. “You already are.” 

His eyes are pleading, pools of frightened adoration. “No--no,” he steps towards me, not releasing his grip on my arm, “You’re hurt that I lied, but now I’ll never have to lie to you again.” I push against his grip. Kirigan doesn’t release me. “Y/n,” my name is a lament from his lips, “Please.” 

My eyes round out as my heart leaps into my chest. “I used to think that you were only touched by the darkness, but now I’m not sure you can tell where the darkness ends and you begin.” His grip just barely falters. Maybe it’s acceptance. 

I shift weakly, a softer attempt to escape. His grip tightens even more than before as he tugs me forward. The reminder of his physical strength leaves me frozen in shock. I can’t read his expression, but something about him has darkened. When I don’t pull away again, his thumb brushes up and down my forearm. The silkiness of his touch is warm temptation. I inhale slowly as he moves his other arm in order to touch my shoulder. The contact is almost shy. 

“Kirigan,” my voice betrays me, breaking as his fingers trace down my collar, “What--what are you doing?” 

He tilts his head, taking in the way his touch rids my body of fight. “Nothing, really.” His voice is low, supple in its assuredness. “You’re the only person who has ever seen me--and for you to leave me after that.” 

“No,” I try to step back, but my body freezes as he toys with the collar of my dress, “What I saw--what I found out--that wasn’t you.” 

“It’s who I have to make myself be,” he whispers, “I’m doing what needs to be done.” 

“That logic can earn you a lot,” my words are careful, “But it cannot earn you me.” 

His hand brushes past my neck, finding the root of my hair. Kirigan pulls on it slightly, forcing me to expose my lower jaw and neck. I’m still as he leans forward, warm breath fanning across my skin. I fight against a shiver in vain as his lips brush down my skin, only stopping as he nips the base of my neck. I can’t help the small sound of surprise that escapes me. 

“Are you sure about that?” Blood rushes to my face, motivated by both embarrassment and something else. “Little dove, don’t ruin us.” His touch is warm, but his words leave me with an uncomfortable chill. In an attempt to escape the coldness, I half-press myself into the trail of soft and desperate kisses he’s leaving down my neck.

Kirigan pauses, exhaling slowly, and I feel some mental strength return to me. “There can’t be an us--not like this.” 

“Y/n.” He never uses my name. “You are the only light I know.” His words steal something from me as he pulls away enough to look me in the eyes. “I can’t handle the weight of solitude anymore--it’s worse than the dark.”

 I am unflinching, watching him with a markman’s care. Kirigan takes my silence as a positive. I don’t move as his gaze drops to my lips before he presses his own together. I don’t move as he destroys the distance between us like it’s some type of unbearable weight. His lips meet mine with enough force to bruise my face. The surprise of it gives him the chance to coax my lips into parting as his hands move to either side of my face. My body reacts without my permission, letting him deepen the kiss. Every time I find some kind of free will, Kirigan pushes it away with some kind of tactful lull of his tongue. Keeping his control, Kirigan ends the kiss by grazing sharp teeth against my bottom lip. 

I’m left panting. “You’re--you lied, Kirigan--I--” 

“You told me once you could never see me as a monster.”

“I said that to a version of you that technically doesn’t exist.” 

The grief in my chest and desire in my stomach twist in a nauseating way. Kirigan’s eyes watch me patiently, a pain similar to my own reflected in them. “Who I am when I’m with you is less fictitious than any identity I’ve ever given myself.”

The vulnerability in his voice is as alluring and distracting as the kiss. I find myself thinking of the warmth of his mouth against my skin. He had kissed me like the cure for ancient solitude could come from me. I think he had a point, because now that he’s not touching me in that way I feel the familiar tugs of cold emptiness. 

“I don’t understa--” My words are cut off by his lips brushing against mine. 

His touch is soft, but it’s far from shy as he draws out the kiss. It’s an attempt to keep me on edge, to keep me wanting him enough to push past my doubts. “Y/n,” there’s a reverent quality to his voice, “I--” Kirigan grabs the collar of my dress, pulling me to him sharply. His kiss conveys things that neither of us truly understand. “Don’t go.” 

I don’t want to. The realization is a cruel wave crashing against my chest. “You lie to everyone, you lie to me--you--you hurt and destroy and I--” One of his hands brushes against the hem of my dress. “What are you,” the words are supposed to be sharp, but my resolve melts as his hand presses firmly against my thigh, “Doing?” 

“You know me,” he draws out each word as his fingers graze towards the inside of my thighs. The cool metal of his rings are practically ice against my flushed skin. “Little dove, trust me.” 

My nails dig into my palms as I try to ignore what he’s doing. “I did and you betrayed me.” 

“I couldn’t lose you,” he whispers, thumb inching up my inner thigh.

I press my lips together, fighting against a natural reaction. “You did lose me.” 

Kirigan’s eyes darken as his grip on my thigh tightens. “We’ll move past this.” He’s both pleading and assured. “I think I know how to make it up to you.” He trails his hand up my thigh swiftly, stopping with his hand on my lower hip. Shamelessly, he toys with the hem of my underwear. “The only thing that’s really changed is that now I’m touching you like this.” 

The only thing I can do is gape at him. He’s a villain, his hands are coated in unnecessarily spilled blood, and I am helpless against his slightest touch. I should try pushing him away or at the very least resist his blatant advantages. His fingers brush down my underwear, stopping at a growing wet spot. The knowing look he gives me burns my core. I try to keep my expression hard in a final form of protest, but when he presses his pointer finger against me all the resolve in me is shattered. 

My eyebrows draw together as a small sound escapes me, “Kirigan.” I can’t tell if it’s praise or a warning. 

He pauses, hand retracting slightly at my whining. “Y/n,” his other hand cups my cheek. I lean into the contact without permission from my body. “There is only one name that I have not given myself and only one name I want to hear you breathe like that.” His thumb traces my lips softly. I don’t move as he leans forward, turning his lips towards my ear. 

“Aleksander.” His name is nothing more than a breath, a stolen heartbeat on his lips. 

He presses his fingers against where I’m the weakest again. My hips grind forward instinctually, desperate for more contact as he kisses the top of my jaw. 

“Aleksander.” The name escapes me in the form of a broken moan. Speaking it feels more intimate than the way he’s touching me. 

There’s the slightest pause in his consuming actions. “Again,” he breathes, “Say my name again.” His request is so soft it feels like he’s more at my mercy than I am at his. 

My eyes shut as his teeth graze my neck. “Aleksander.” At the sound of his name, his teeth brush against my skin harder than ever. 

When he starts to pull away, I reach out desperately, grabbing his kefta. “I thought you wanted to leave, little dove.” 

No. No. He is not going to get me to agree to stay by giving me something as intimate as his original name and by denying me his touch. “Please.” 

He reaches for my hand, pulling it off of him cruelly. “Do you want to stay with me?” 

I know which answer will get me what I really want, but I’m not sure which answer is true. Do I want to stay with him? Even after knowing what he’s done? “I don’t want to leave you.” The vulnerability of the statement cracks at my heart. He turns away from me in order to face the wall. I take a tentative step towards. “But I’m not sure what I want matters.” 

In one quick motion, he’s yanking more forward and pressing me into the wall. “Of course desire matters,” his body is pressed against mine almost entirely, “It means something.” He brushes his knuckles against my cheek. “It means you could choose me.” 

What could I say to that? I part my lips to speak but he silences me by pressing his lips against my jaw. I offer no protest as he starts touching me the way he did earlier. I’m more desperate now, more needy and okay with that. His fingers slip past my underwear testingly, hesitating before finally entering me slowly. 

“Aleksander,” my voice is so needy I’m not sure it’s my own. 

“I want you to say my name like that again,” he whispers, kissing down my collarbone as he begins to press his fingers in and out of me faster, “And I want you to say my name casually,” his pace doesn’t slow, even when I begin to let out indistinguishable whines, “And I want you to say my name while you’re falling asleep,” his touch becomes more aggressive as his words become more sincere, “And I want you to say my name every other way there is to say it.” 

The bundle of nerves in the pit of my stomach grows until there’s nothing else for me to hold onto. I finish with a sharp gasp. The feeling of euphoria is only intensified as Aleksander begins to kiss up my jaw before finally pressing our lips together. 

I break the kiss first, desperate to breathe. Have my legs been so shaky this entire time? Aleksander lets me recover, resting his head against my forehead. “I’m tired of being alone.” 

I imagine all the foul acts he’s committed and all the bad he wants to bring. I picture all the innocent blood he’s spilled. I see all of it--every horror and dark deed he’s ever committed. But I cannot see me leaving him. Maybe that makes me a monster, maybe that makes me an idiot...but I can’t do it. 

Slowly, I move to drape my arms over his back in a loose hug. “You’re not alone, Aleksander.” I’m not sure what that signifies, but I know it’s true. There has to be good in him. No one capable of such warmth can be pure evil. “I choose you.” 

[spikesbimbo]

Girls need love

Paring: Aran ojiro x f!reader

Summary: having a big mouth sometimes works out.

Tags: fwb to lovers, frenemies tsumu, big bro suna, use of weed, tw: pregnancy scare, soft freaky dom aran, use of word bunny and every other pet name, gives himself a handjob with your hands, daddy kink, cunt slapping (with his dick), oral sex, creampie, squirting,  hurt/comfort <3 , unrequited love

wc: 4.5k words of filthy, tooth rotting smut.

a/n: thank you @explvrer for proofreading!! —part of the Love Club Love Collab !!!!!!!

18+ Minors DNI

The pink and orange was reflected as you looked out the window . The clouds looking like they came out of a painting along with the man next to you. The smoke coming from the back of the car to you as you inhaled the comforting scent, hearing tsumu and suna arguing over who got it next.

Your gaze turned to him. Eyes lingering on his hands gripping the wheel, his arm taking up all the space on the console as you wanted to so desperately hold onto his hand, so warm and comforting as the dirty thoughts rushed into your head.

You softly shook your head, suna tapping you on the shoulder asking you if you wanted a puff, shaking your head again before tsumu said “you should've drove so aran could smoke.” 

“Ay, shut it.” Suna replied, slapping him on the back of his head, as you heard him groan and apologize.

“It's fine, we still got the whole night.” his warm gentle voice let out. The way you pouted “don’t wanna drive.” when you all went out, looking up at him with your puppy dog eyes, immediately saying “ok”.

You took your place in the passenger seat, as usual, grabbing the aux with tsumu quickly whining “fuck no!” because you always played some indie love songs while he was tryna listen to travis scott. 

“What?… Valentine's day is tomorrow, lemme get in the mood. Don't you have a girlfriend, you should understand.” which successfully shut him up for the time remaining. 

It was obvious he doted on you, but they just put it to the back of their head because they did it too. But suna knew what was up, even letting it slip to samu, saying that the way your eyes lit up around him and the way he held you close definitely meant y’all were atleast fucking.

Which was right. 

And he confirmed it when he walked into the same bathroom that he ‘saw’ your legs wrapped around his friend through the crack.

Mumbling out an “oops” as he was about to close the door before he saw you crying, his big brother side coming out as he decided to open the door fully, sitting next to you. 

He understood what was going on as you let it all out while he waited with you, luckily finding out that the test was negative as you finally calmed down, and he kept his word keeping it a secret.

Your eyes turned form the darkening sky to him. His vision was on the road as pulled onto the exit to drop them off. His cool eyes, so formal, contrasting his appearance. The heat in your body rising as your eyes never left him.

Thinking about how it started after one night when you were a little tipsy, seeing girls all over him as they took his precious, well-needed attention from you. Your tiny brain grasping how attractive he was from this perspective as a man and not a ‘friend’ while you watched his teeth shine though his smile 

Admiring his glowing skin under the dimmed lights and his tall big frame towering over yours was all you needed to get on your tiptoes and put your lips on his, the taste of the chapstick being engraved in you memory. It not taking long for his hands to wrap around your waist, picking you up and taking you to the guest room leaving you bedridden for the next day.

Fortunately it wasn't uncomfortable the next morning as you put it in your head, “its only awkward if you make it” . Waking up with a headache, recognizing the bed as his from the times you studied here in highschool. The sheets holding you back as you were borderline tucked in, finally freeing yourself letting them fall off, being stark naked in his room already feeling the pain grown in your tummy.

You just sat on the edge of his bed, holding the sheet to your chest warming your cold body waiting for him to come back. And on queue he walked in, only in his grey sweatpants hugging him just right, trying not to ogle him as he walked up to you, stroking your forehead before handing you an advil.

“You okay?”  He asked, wondering if he was talking about your physical or emotional state.

You let out a forced giggle, “yeah”, trying to lighten the mood as you tired to calm your nerves.

The words “wanna do this again?” slipped past your lips, not realizing you would regret this, falling for him quicker than any other man you've been with. Not knowing just the sight of him would make your knees weak and tremble, not knowing the pain of never being able to take it further.

Not knowing that you’d be crying over him every time you left. Always being a reminder that you were just a ‘plaything’ and he could cut you off at a moment’s notice.

He grinned back, lips turning up as he leaned on his hands to get closer to you “Well... you on birth control?” 

You all got out of his car, chatting a little before they left getting on the train. The words “love you” leaving his lips, voicing it in a friendly way after saying goodbye, and even though it wasnt directed at just you still made your heart race.

You had no claim over him besides the marks you left, the indent being printed skin deep as your nails dug in his flesh. The only remains of the nights you’ve spent together. Waving goodbye as he walked back to you, just you two alone now, the way you wanted it. 

“You wanna spend the rest of the day with me princess?” Already knowing the answer from the way you were squirming under his touch as he smirked, bending down into your ear, his hand resting on your side.

You leaned in for a kiss before quickly pulling away, dragging him to the car with a giddy smile on your face. Wanting him to feel as neglected as you were right now; so what if you havent got rawed for three days, it was a long time when you had someone like him doing it.

“Missed you daddy” you mumbled into his ear, your tone of voice changing to soft and sweet just around him as he started the car, longing to be touched as you clung onto his rough hands that were so soft on you.

His lips hovering over yours, dragging them in as his breath touched yours. “Missed you too baby”. His grip on your hand got tighter, bringing it down to his crotch. “Look what you did to me pretty girl. You know what you're doing with that little pout on your face.”

Your smile was the brightest it had been all day, hearts in your eyes as he drove back to his place, his hand covering yours on your thigh, fingers reaching far past yours as you felt them gripping you, inching closer and closer to your needy little cunt.

Not wasting any time getting inside as you started stripping the instant he closed the door behind him. Throwing off the heavy sweater keeping you warm, pushing him down on his bed as you moved your body, feeling it up in the pretty lingerie you wore just for today. 

“I know you love to show off.” he muttered as you bent over, shaking your ass is his face while he was leaning back admiring his view. “But c'mere sweet girl.”

You did as you were told and almost skipped up to him, wrapping your arms around him. Holding his face in your chest as he started placing wet open mouthed kisses on every inch of skin he saw. 

“jiro, please.” you whined out after your neck was sore from all the attention it was getting, wanting to direct it somewhere else. 

“you want daddy’s dick that bad, princess?”

Just the lewd tease of his voice had your pussy clenching, no shame left in your body as you reached out for him, your newly done nails gently grabbing onto the collar of his shirt. Grip tight as ever, your body so tense from trying to hold self back.

“So impatient baby, you got me for the rest of the night, m’not going anywhere.” He chuckled at your greedy little hands making their way up his shirt. Your lips met his again as his hands gripped onto your ass, sliding his fingers under your panties.

“Wanna make you feel good.” you whispered into his mouth, heart racing as his hands made their way up to your lower back, leaning into him. “Wanna make you cum.” He stopped his hands where they were, his clear eyes meeting yours, face having no shame in sight.

“fuck, baby.” he groaned, his tounge sliding into you mouth, your lips getting more angry at his biting while you palms were running down his to his cock. Your tiny hands wrapping around it though his boxers, running through his head if you knew how filthy you looked right now.

You pulled them down, whimpering at the sight of it already so hard, wrapping your hand around his cock as much as you could, the precum acting as lube. Using both your hands as you started moving them, looking straight at his face to see if you were doing a good job.

“Fuck, you're such a good girl.” he said, his hands resting on your back as you puckerd you lips letting spit fall onto his fat head, knowing he loved how slopy you got him. His breath choking as you moved one of your hands down, caressing his balls. “my good girl.” 

Your wrist getting heavier with each stroke, trying so hard to keep it going because his moans were so heavenly. And the way his cock was throbbing and twitching against your palm only made you grow slicker. Wanting to do your best to prove that you could take care of him, that you were the only one he needed.

“stay there, s’okay i got you.” His hand wrapped around yours, engulfing it completely as he started using yours, moving it up and down, his eyelashes fluttering as he could barely keep them open as you count help but stare, wondering what did you do to deserve a man like him.

His groans weren’t helping your situation too while he was guiding your hands faster as you could tell he was getting closer, squeezing your palm a little tighter with all the drive you had left until he came, thick white ropes being spread onto both your hands. 

Your thighs clenched around his, almost coming with him as a little whine escaped. Eyes rolling back as you grinded against him, leading his big hand up to your mouth, sucking it in as you licked around his dirty fingers. “Fuck youre so wet”

You adjusted yourself, now laying on the bed as you were trying to calm down, leaving you legs open as you twithced under his gaze. “Was thinkin bout you daddy... couldn't help it”

He groaned as his hand moved toward your ankles, holding them up in the air with his strong arms as he rubbed your swollen nub with his free one. Your cries and moans being music to his ears  whiel your pretty body was bouncing under him as his fingers worked their way up into your cunt, you walls pliant around him as you let him abuse your clit, unconsciously letting out lewd sounds.

Your voice is cut as he lets go of them, diving his head right back in kissing your clit. Fucking his fingers back into you, angling them to hit your g spot, the rule in the back of his head that he had to make you come more than him taking over. 

You should be embarrassed how he has you legs spread open with the sound of your wetness, but you aren't, empty of every thought except of him making you feel good.

He knows how you like the feeling of him curling into you after fucking you so many times, knowing eachothers bodies inside and out, but something he can never catch onto is when you squirt.

Always coming as a surprise to him and you. Not knowing what causes it, from it being him bottoming out, to just whispering dirty shit into ear while fingering your cunt. But he loves the look of relief painted on your face, the shame being long gone as you could only feel pleasure with him.

Your mind goes white, orgasm rushing into you while you tried to push his chest away with your feet. Sobbing as his fingers didn't stop, body thrashing. It felt so good, your daddy always making you feel so good.

But he just kept  going, fucking them into you even harder while his tounge flicked up and down on your clit, making you come harder and harder each time, resulting in a mess all over his chest and the sheets beneath you two.

Your blurry vision made out his handsome face, body soaked from you slick, both of you catching your breath as he wiped your eyes before kissing you, knowing how bad you wanted it.

Yes, it was a rule at first that you two wouldn't kiss, or do anything else too intimate, but that went out the window the night he was fucking you chest to chest, forehead to forehad, neither of you being able to resist the urge to connect them. And it hasn't caused any problems, yet.

He pulled back, taking in your appearance, still so needy, Your body adapting to his, as you could last for more than a few rounds now. “What you want doll, gotta tell me.” He looked with lust in his eyes as he waited for the answer, spreading your lips open watching the mess drip out of you.

“Fuck me, please, jiro,” you choked cathing the tears in your mouth, as he was quick to give you want youwanted, after your pretty voicedbegged for it, replacing his fingers with his cock. Resting it on your cunt, slapping your it on your clit a few times to see you squirm before placing his tip inside you.

“daddy s’too big” you whined as you bit down on one on of the fingers you put in your mouth, trying not to wince. You would've thought your cunt would've followed along with the rest of your body, but even when you were a soaking mess it still barely fit.

“Aww baby, but you're dripping so pretty for me, you gonna take it like a big girl?” Your eyes rolling back as he shoved it in more, pushing it back far enough to have you whimpering.

“fuck, sweetheart, so tight,” he groaned with your face in his neck while he was trying to ease you into him. Your whines getting more vulgar by the second, body finally taking him whole as his cock was kissing your cervix.

You wished you hadn't slept with those other guys trying to fill your void, them not even being close to getting you off, just wanting to feel someone's. Not knowing you prince charming was right in front of you all this time. 

 Did you regret the guy you lost your virginity to? no. Was he a bad person? no. Did he fuck you right...no. But at least you were slightly experienced, wanting to do your best to please him. Worried that he'd get tired of you one day and find someone else.

But he made you feel it all over again, the way his cock stretched you out as he gently worked his way into you. His vision shaking as his thrusts get rougher, your trembling arms reaching up for him as he just ignores them. 

“My sweet girl sounds so pretty when they're getting fucked.” he muttered holding back a groan, his thrusts getting faster as he knocked the breath out of you along with the word “my”. The possessive claim had your mind spinning while your hands gripped onto his skin so tight you know you leave a mark, not wanting to let him go.

“You love this cock?” You could feel him say against your breath, the soft vibrations of his lips catching your moans as you brushed your lips against his.

It didn't take you a lot to admit it, a “-yeah”, quickly escaping from your dry lips, covered in spit, a mix of his and yours soothing them.

“You love the way i'm splitting you open, pretty girl?” 

Getting overwhelmed by the pleasure, your emotions grew with it not being unusual for you to cry while he was fucking you.

 Of course you loved the way you could barely take his cock, the way just looking at it made you mind go hazy. Your legs shaking as you didnt care about trying to control them anymore.  You loved the way that you were the only one who could make him feel this good, doing you best to maintain it that way. 

“Yeah, fuck..L-love you “ you sobbed out, fat tears running down your face, not even registering in your brian what you said until you noticed he stopped his movement. It clicking after his eyes turned from hazy to clear, his expression in shock, only visible to you after all this time you've spent together.

“Fuck” you muttered, tears falling even more as you tried to move your limp body away from him. But he held you still, not pulling out, trapping you as your eyes grew wetter and wetter, nose sniffing from embarrassment.

“What’d you say?,” he asked, moving his body away from you. The feeling of disgust rising in you, hating yourself for letting those words fall from your mouth. The way he pulled away made you crumble, bringing your hands up to your face trying to hide the best you could.

Throat closing, your dry eyes swelling again, “m’sorry … fuck, i didn’t mean to say that aran.”

“hey....angel, look at me.” He said, stalling. Not knowing exactly what to do but wipe your tears, not wanting to see his precious baby upset, breaking his heart to see you so distraught. He stopped after you finally calmed down enough, his thumb still stroking your cheek as he moved your jaw to look up at him.

“Say it again.”

“Wha-” He pressed his lips against yours, “tell me that again, fuck baby. You drive me crazy, you don't know what you do to me. I haven’t been with anyone since we started fucking.”

 Your eyes red as your face slightly twisted in confusion, too tired to express itself fully. “Don't cry.” he whispered, foreheads close again. “it's okay, I got you.”

“C’mon baby, just tell daddy what you want and i'll give it to you.” he said, edging you on, wanting to prove it to you in the only way he could.

“w-want...you daddy” you mumbled after some time, wiping your eyes as your head was still tuned into your arm.

“Good girl” he muttered. “I'll make it all better.” his hand wrapping around the back of your neck to keep your eyes on him. “all you have to do is cum on my cock, you can do that for me, right?”

“yes, daddy." the only words to leave your lips as you try to be on your best behavior, knowing that bad girls didn't get daddys dick or get to cum. 

“still so tight, bunny.” He said, pushing himself into you again, lips besides your ear wanting to let you know good you made him feel. “already creaming on daddy’s cock”

“Who’s is this baby?” The question sinks into you along with his hands as his fat cock is splitting you open, his thumb tracing circles on your clit. Face flushed with a newfound pride growing along with the burning feeling under your skin. “Yours jiro, belongs to you daddy.”

“That's my good girl,” he cooed, kissing you open mouthed on your lips, lingering there before he pulled away. Your heart swooning at the affection and attention. He still fucks into you hard, his hands feeling up every inch of skin on your body, stopping at your soft tits, pinching your nipple as you whined out. 

“Look at you,” he huffed out, “Brain not working huh? You like my cock that much, sweet girl?”

“Y-yeah, like it... like you” you mumbled out, your words being slurred as you feel the heat rise with every stroke.

“I know sweetheart. Is that why you’re drooling all over the place? Does it feel that good, bunny? Having my cock inside you?” he smirked as a groan escaped his lips, slowing down making sure to hit every spot.

He drags out of your throbbing cunt so painfully slow, forcing you to feel every inch of him. His hips angling different, fucking you rough as thrusts back in just as slow, teasing. He pulls you closer, his cock pressing against your cervix

“Yeah, daddy loves you and this tight little pussy too.” His deep warm voice making you melt, your cries growing more erratic after every word left his lips. 

“Jiro, daddy wa- wanna come… together” you sniffled out, swearing you could feel the tip of his cock against your womb. 

“Yeah baby? You sound so pretty wanting me to stuff you full.” Your parted lips, eyes struggling to remain open, letting out silent moans as he was taking it all in, his ego rising knowing that he was the one who had made you like this.“don’t worry, sweet girl, daddys gonna take care of you, as always. just lay there pretty.”

“Ple-, p-please.” you begged, voice trembling, tears rolling down your cheeks as you clung onto him. He brought your legs up and pushed them towards your chest, folding you in half, as you tried to find a new place to place your hands.

“Wanna- cum, ple” you hiccuped, nodding off into the kiss. Mind in a whole new world body going limp again as he grabbed your arms and wrapped them around his neck hanging on there, wrists stuck together as his head is so close to yours.

He’s mumbling out some nonsense as you can feel him starting to throb inside of you, kissing up your neck until he’s tugging on your lips.“You gonna cum again, give me one more?”

You can’t even respond, letting out some deformed moan, because if it wasn't obvious your pussy belongs to him, you belonged to him.

You came together, feeling his cum rush into you nonstop, so hot. His cock jerking inside your soft body. Keeping his eyes on you loving how your thighs twichted and fluttered, his hand resting on your back arching as you let out your final cries.

You feel so weightless, the only thing keeping you grounded is his hands on you, his mouth on your cunt, not even realizing he pulled out, licking it up wanting to show you how pretty the mess you made was.

He comes back up to you, knowing that you wanted to be kissed and coddled as your emotions were foggy. Opening your lips with his thumb, his tongue covered in your cum making its way inside your mouth as you easily accepted it. His hands wrapped around your jaw as he finally broke free.

Your whole body was sensitive, so sore after being with him but this time even more, whining as he laid you beside him snuggling into his arm. He just chuckled, before giving you a gentle hug, already tired.

“You wanna wash up?”

You hide your face in his arm, using the cool feeling of the room as an excuse.“no, dont pull out.”

His laugh was soft as he turned you two onto the side so he could face you. “You’re so spoiled.”

“I wasn't lying earlier… I, love you.” He said, the weight on his chest feeling burdensome that he made you feel like this for so long. You stopped moving completely along with the hand resting on his chest. You turned and looked into his eyes.

“Well, why the hell did you say anything!” you pouted as you turned your messy worn out head towards his.

His mouth opening to apologise but you got to him before he could get a word out, kissing him so hard,that he couldn't breath. Your body now on top of his, your whimpers from his cock nudging inside thinking he’s being eaten alive, never wanting something more.

You finally give up as he turns disgustingly sweet, cupping your cheeks as he keeps pecking your entire face, staring at you like you were the only thing in the world, making you breath hitch. “I love you, too.”

“Baby?” he asks quietly after you two just laid there for what felt like hours. His hand tracing patterns all over you from your neck down to your back. “You here?”

“Yeah” you lied groaning out as you rubbed your eyes that you could already tell were swollen.

You looked up at him, his hand pulling your head into his chest, realizing he must've put the blanket over you two, feeling so comfy again that you were nodding off. “Hold on baby, lemme ask you something.” he chucked out sttoking your forehead

“Wanna be my valentine?”

You nod the fastest you have your entire life, a fat smile appearing on your face as you hid into the comforter as he let you cling to him all night, never being able to say no to you.  You breathing growing quieter and quieter until he can barely hear it, and that's when he can finally rest too. You loved him and he loved you.

[havethetimeofyourstyles]

in which harry joins a new gym and you’re a trainer there.

a/n: happy new years loves! wishing you all a lovely and happy 2021! first fic of 2021 and im so excited to write more stories this year! to start the new year, here is boxer!harry for you, and this is for my very own timetravelathon fic challenge! if you’d like to join, please let me know, I’d love to have you on board! this story takes place in the 1990, and i know some of the songs mentioned weren’t released specifically in 1990 (just a few years after), but just pretend it was lol because they’re too good to not mention in this story hehe, but happy reading and pls reblog and leave feedback <3

thank you to @sunflowers-styles for beta reading this for me, love you always!

WORD COUNT: 22.6k of (kinda) boxer!harry x trainer!yn filled with angst and smut

WARNINGS: mentions of abandonment and blood 

COME INTO MY INBOX AND LETS TALK ABOUT ‘143’ i’d love to know your thoughts!

pls rb to share! <3

16 August 1990

With every move he made, Harry felt a bead of sweat drip down the side of his face, down his back, and trailing down his chest. Small huffs of breath were released from his mouth, trying not to make it known that he was exhausted, but he continued until all of his energy was used up through the very end. 

“C’mon,” he muttered to himself, anticipating the certain words to be yelled out. 

He’d been going at it for a while now, muscles aching as he felt like he was about to collapse any minute. But he was determined to finish, to feel the satisfaction running through his veins, knowing that this was his best round. 

“And time!” His trainer yelled at him, clicking the stop button on his timer. 

Harry got in one last punch before putting his arms down, the soreness made his limbs feel like jello as he shook them out. The black leather punching bag was swinging back and forth, the chain that held up the speed bag rattled and slid against the metal bar. Harry loved that sound because it indicated that he was going his hardest to where the chain couldn’t keep up. 

“Nice one, kid.” Henson, his trainer said as he fist-bumped Harry’s red glove. 

Harry simply nodded in appreciation, too exhausted to speak as he placed his gloves onto his knees, leaning down as beads of sweat dripped down onto the matted floor. Several harsh breaths came out of his mouth as he sniffed in the fresh oxygen that was mixed with the musky scent of the gym. 

Benny, Harry’s best friend, exited the ring, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his arm before walking towards Harry, who was still leaning on his knees. Benny tapped Harry’s glove, making him stand up straighter, and Harry patted Benny’s back. 

“Good job out there, mate,” Harry told his best friend. Benny was in the ring with one of the other trainers, Mike, doing one of the nonstop routines. Harry liked training with Mike in the ring, but not when it was for cardio and timed rounds; he liked when it was chill, so he knew how hard he had to hit the target, which were the pads. But for the timed rounds they did, Harry was usually by the speed bags and Mike was in the ring. 

“You too, man,” Benny breathed out with a smile. 

They headed over to the bench to take their gloves off and catch a breather. The pair would do a  cardio day every Thursday to get a good, sweaty workout in, and it always left them exhausted, but definitely much stronger. 

“Hey, I’m not gonna be able to workout next Thursday,” Benny mentioned. Harry furrowed his brows as he put the end of the strap between his teeth to pull it off from the velcro, taking one glove off. 

“What? Why not?” Harry asked confusingly. They never really had to call off a workout, especially Thursdays, unless one of them was sick, but other than that, neither of them missed any workout days. 

“I’m taking the wife on a date,” Benny smirked, clearly very excited to spend some time with his wife, but Harry wasn’t amused. 

“On a Thursday? Why can’t you do that on Friday?” 

Benny rolled his eyes. “Because we both called off Friday, so we’re having a four day weekend to ourselves,” he explained. 

Harry huffed, clearly not entertained. “Guess so…” 

Benny knew Harry was always like this, ever since they were younger. The two had been so close ever since they met, now that Benny had a wife, Harry always felt like the third wheel and that he rarely saw Benny, however, that wasn’t entirely true Benny exercised with Harry every night during the weekdays, and sometimes they even grabbed a bite to eat afterward when Benny could use that time to be with his wife, Marianne. 

Harry had an overwhelming fear of abandonment, it led him to have anxieties about how Benny could just get up and walk out of his life, even though he wouldn’t. Maybe it was why Harry is so attached to him; he’s the closest to Harry and it would completely destroy him if Benny ever decided that he didn’t want to be his friend anymore. That fear only grew based on an unfortunate turn of events that happened in college, four years ago, and it left Harry to pieces. Benny had never seen Harry so broken where he literally had to pick him up and take care of him. He never wanted to see his best friend like that ever again because it absolutely crushed him. 

“It’s two days that we’re not going to be seeing each other, chill out. Didn’t know you were that in love with me,” Benny joked, hoping to lighten up Harry’s mood. Luckily, it worked because Harry breathed out a chuckle, throwing his towel at Benny’s face.

The two collected their belongings and walked over to the trainers as they always do at the end of every workout to have a light chat with them. Henson and Mike told them they did a great job and asked to confirm if they were still on for tomorrow, which Benny and Harry both agreed to. Benny also mentioned about not being able to work out next Thursday and Friday, including the reason why he wasn’t able to. 

Henson and Mike looked at each other as if they were keeping something from the two. Harry titled his head  and looked at Benny as if he was asking if he knew the reason why they were looking at each other weirdly, but Benny just shrugged his shoulders, just as clueless as Harry. 

“Are you gonna tell us why you’re acting suspiciously?” Harry asked. The two trainers both sighed defeatedly. 

“About that…” Henson started. “Next Friday…we’re closing,” he added. 

“Like, closing for the day?” Benny asked innocently, hoping they didn’t mean what he really thought. 

“No…for good,” Mike stated. Harry and Benny’s eyes both widened, words coming out of both of their mouths profusely. They were both talking over each other, disagreeing and not accepting the fact that the gym was shutting down. 

“You can’t just do that-”

“-No, we refuse to let you close down-”

“Alright, guys! Settle down. You’re starting to act like kids, for god's sake,” Henson interrupted the tantrum that was about to start. 

“You guys can’t just do that!” Benny exclaimed. 

“Why are you guys even doing that?” Harry asked. 

Mike sighed. “We mutually decided that it was best to close down because…we really need the money. My rent has been skyrocketing crazy high because more people have just decided that moving to Los Angeles is fun.” He rolled his eyes, and Harry slightly chuckled because it was true. Hollywood was the place to be and people from out of state had just figured out their new profound dream to move to one of the busiest cities. 

“Fight Night will never be forgotten, alright? We’re just ready to let this place go. Plus, the roof is leaking and the wall is tearing apart, and that’s gonna be a pain to fix,” Henson added. 

Mike and Henson were brothers and built Fight Night when they were in college. With the help of their father, they decided to build a place to gain strength and power, all while helping others defend themselves. Harry and Benny had been frequenting it ever since college, and it felt like home to them. Aside from the yelling and stuffy scent, it was a place for them to release any type of anger or stress.

Benny introduced Fight Night to Harry when he had physically picked Harry up from the ground on, what possibly was, the worst night of his life. It was something Harry looked forward to after classes, anxiously bouncing his leg up and down, waiting to get to the gym. Fight Night helped rebuild him, and now, he was in disbelief that the gym was closing. 

“We’re old as fuck now. We wanna live our lives freely. Time to retire now, don’t you think?” Mike said with a sad chuckle. They were both in their late fifties, so Harry and Benny understood why they wanted to be free of work. 

The four of them hugged it out, a very emotional and sentimental hug that was heartwarming but sad. Eyes were slightly watered before Henson pushed them and said, “We’re closing the gym next week, not fucking dying! We have time for this bullshit for an entire week.” 

Harry and Benny left the gym with bittersweet hearts, but they kept Fight Night close to them, knowing that they owed a lot to the gym and the two men who built the facility. Mike had recommended some gyms that were close by if they were still interested in boxing, which they definitely were, so they were planning to check them out first before signing up. 

“Do you wanna get something to eat?” Harry asked once they were outside of the gym. The air was humid, nothing different from inside the gym since it was summer and the sun was beginning to go down. 

“Nah, I’m good. Gonna get home to Marianne. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Benny pat Harry’s back, nodding. 

Harry waved. “See you.” He watched Benny walk away before getting into his silver 1990 BMW 5 series, sighing. He always hated going home, and he always tried staying out for as long as he possibly could. 

As he drove home, he anxiously tapped his hands on the steering wheel as he couldn’t quite keep them still. It’d been happening for a while, a lot more often than he’d like, but he couldn’t help it. 

Walking into the darkness and emptiness of his home, he sighed sadly as he sulked all the way to the restroom to shower. The hot steam relieved his achy and sore muscles, but he was hoping for this shower to also release any occurring and bad thoughts he had in his head. 

He couldn’t help but think about the gym closing down. After going there for years, he couldn’t imagine going to a new gym; he’d adapted and adjusted to Fight Night that it would take him forever to find a gym that truly made him feel wanted. He was scared, to say the least. 

Harry was never a big fan of change. He liked being comfortable and stable and didn't like to move around a lot. So, the thought of going to a different gym that wasn’t Fight Night, terrified him. It only added to the list of things that had abandoned him. 

Once he was out of the shower, white towel secured lowly on his hips, showcasing his beautiful toned torso that was filled and inked with tattoos, his pager beeped. He wondered who it was as he walked over to his nightstand, considering that it was nearing nine in the evening. 

He deeply sighed when he saw the pager read ‘345987,’ immediately knowing who it was. The pager code meaning ‘I’m horny’ could only mean it’s coming from Lizette. 

Deciding not to answer the page, Harry set his pager down before walking back to the restroom, only for his home phone to ring, causing him to stop in his steps and answer the phone. 

“Hello?” Harry answered. 

“Hey, baby,” Lizette said seductively. His brows furrowed, holding the towel to his waist as it had loosened up a bit. 

“What do you want?” 

“You know what I want…” He knew exactly what she wanted. If she hadn’t paged him, he would still know what she wanted from him since all he provided to her was sex. “Isn’t it such a coincidence that I’m outside of your door right now?” Harry didn’t say anything but pinch the bridge of his nose before hanging up. 

He walked towards his front door, sighing before opening the door that revealed Lizette on the other side, wearing a low cut top, cleavage clearly showing, and high waisted denim shorts. She leaned on the doorframe, smirking as she looked Harry up and down, noticing that he wasn’t wearing anything but a towel. Harry gulped as she stepped forward, placing her hands on his stomach before completely taking the towel off, and a smug smile plastered on her face. 

Harry lets her take over like he always did. The feel of someone else’s body holding his, and lips kissing his own and his skin was something he couldn’t compare to anything else. Harry simply only did this to have some companionship, and Lizette made him feel a lot less lonely even if she was only there to have sex with him. He enjoys it twenty-five percent of the time—the other seventy-five percent was him actually wallowing in wanting someone to love him for him. 

After they were done, Harry immediately covered himself with the blanket as Lizette got out of the bed to change back into her clothes. Even though they had sex multiple times and she’s seen him naked, there was something about the vulnerability after the sex that he didn’t want her to see because she didn’t quite deserve that if he was being honest. 

“I had fun. Call you next time,” Lizette bid him goodbye before smacking a big kiss to his cheek, leaving a lipstick stain on his skin. She walked herself out, and once Harry heard the slam of the front door closing, he cringed slightly, wiping the lipstick off. 

He turned onto his side, deeply exhaling. He didn’t feel anything but numbness—it was always like this. He used sex to cope with how he felt, but it only made it worse. Honestly, he didn’t know what else to do, so it was the only thing he turned to, other than boxing. 

Harry fell asleep in his lonely room by himself. His heart was empty and felt like an isolated building that only carried his sadness. 

The entire week had gone by in a flash — Fight Night was officially closed down for good. 

Harry and Benny helped clean the space out as they reminisced and talked about the memories that were made in that gym. A lot of the stories had to do with girls walking by the gym, glancing through the window to see men working out, and then promptly walking into the gym to try and hit on the guys. 

Harry had tried convincing Henson that he could run the gym, but he shot down the idea before Harry could convince him. 

“Kid, look. If you want to run your own gym, do it. I want you to own a gym under your name. Not mine or Mike’s. You deserve to have something of your own, and whatever that may be, work for it. Work hard for it. I know you got it in you because you’re a hard worker, determined. You need to see that for yourself.” 

A conversation that was supposed to convince Henson to let Harry run the gym turned into a sentimental series of words that Harry really needed to hear. Harry didn’t say anything else and nodded as he took in Henson’s words to his heart. Henson was someone Harry looked up to. He was an old man with wise words, and everything he said was either meaningful or mean, in a way to show tough love. So, his words were something Harry lived by. 

The following Monday after Fight Night closed, Benny and Harry were on the search for their new gym. They didn’t plan on quitting the gym after their favorite one had closed down, and Henson and Mike made them swear they wouldn’t stop working out. 

Now, the two were walking into a gym that was up the same amount of time Fight Night was. ‘Don’s Box’ was what the gym was called. The building was newly reconstructed, making the place seem more modern and a little less dingy. The space was quite big, able to fit two rings, six punching bags spread throughout, eight-speed bags, and a weight rack. The walls were painted black, but the amount of natural light from the window was plentiful enough to make the gym feel bigger and brighter. 

A decent amount of people were at the gym, sectioned off with a few kids from eight to twelve on one side, and the rest of the adults on the other. There was a good mix between women and men, and everyone hyped everyone up with motivating words and claps over the music that was playing through two speakers that were hung in the corner. 

“Can I help you?” An older man with gray hair had asked the two. He looked quite intimidating; wearing nylon sweatpants and a black long-sleeved shirt that was rolled up to his elbows, showing his gold watch. The look he had on his face was stern as he crossed his arms, waiting for an answer. 

“Uh, yeah. We’re interested in joining your gym,” Benny told the man. The man looked the two up and down and scoffed. 

“Sure you guys are ready for that?” 

“We’ve been boxing for years, so yeah, we are.” Harry chimed in, a slightly defensive tone added to his words. 

The man glared at Harry, stepping towards him. Harry was slightly taller than him, but he knew the man could definitely take him at any given moment, but Harry wasn’t looking to fight the man, honestly. He wanted to act and look tough in front of him, so the guy wouldn’t give him any crap for it later down the road during his workouts. 

“Alright, alright. Take it easy, pa.” You interrupted, placing a hand on the man’s shoulders, making him turn his head. You raised your brows at him before tilting your head a bit, telling him to step back. The man backed off, giving Harry a snarly glance before huffing. 

“I’m just messing. Gotta know how tough my athletes are to be here,” he spoke in a lighter tone than he was to the man in front of him, putting his arm around you. 

“Thought you were gonna ‘stay on the sidelines’ and let me handle it?” You quoted your father’s words back to him, and he chuckled, putting his hands up, surrendering as he knew he couldn’t win against you. 

“Alright, alright. I’ll let you handle it.” Don, your father, quickly looked at Harry up and down, and you rolled your eyes, knowing he wouldn’t do anything to potential customers. He walked away and you breathed out a chuckle, scratching your head. 

“Sorry about that. You two are interested in joining?” You asked the two men in front of you. They were rather…attractive, you noticed. The one on the left was gorgeous with beautiful brown skin that looked so smooth. He was wearing a pair of red short-shorts and a white muscle tee. You noticed that he was wearing a wedding ring, so you averted your eyes off of him. The man next to him, however, was absolutely stunning. His left arm carried a sleeve-full of tattoos, and you wanted so badly to examine and look at every single one. With chocolate brown curls, his green eyes had a tad bit of a glimmer to them, not too much though, because if you were being honest, they were a bit dull, like he was exhausted and needed to let off some of the stress that he held based on how tense he looked. 

You tried not to observe and think about it too much as your ability to read individuals thrived while meeting new people. You shook it off the thought, not wanting to assume things about their lives and seem too creepy in front of new and potential members. 

“Yeah, we are. I’m Benny, by the way.” He shook your hand, smiling. 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Y/N. I run this place.” You offered the same smile back. Your eyes looked over at his friend, and he gave you a soft smile. “Y/N,” you repeated, taking your hand out for him to shake. 

“I’m Harry. Harry Styles,” he introduced fully. A beautiful name for a beautiful man, you thought. He shook your hand as you felt the softness of his skin mixed with a tad bit of roughness from the callouses, probably from heavy-lifting. 

Something about Harry introducing his full name had made you a bit weak in the knees. His deep and accented voice had made you a bit flustered as chills ran up your body. You’re acting like a fool, your subconscious told you. You were never one to show your obvious attraction for men, you were more into watching them from the side. But once Harry walked in, it seemed like you didn’t know how to keep your chill. 

“Perfect. Nice to meet you both. Signing up shouldn’t be too long—don’t want to keep you two from working out.” You led the two men to one of the offices, knocking on the wooden door to greet Jamie. “Hi. These two are looking to sign up. Do you mind helping them out?” 

“Of course! Come on in, guys,” Jamie greeted them, offering them to take a seat along with some water, which they both said yes to. 

“I have to get back to my session, but you both are in great hands. Jamie is one of our best,” you told the two. You sent an innocent wink at Jamie, which he sent one back while Harry watched the entire interaction, feeling uneasy. 

It was quite obvious how attractive and pretty you were. The moment he first saw you, his breath had immediately hitched in his throat. You had the most gorgeous face he’d ever seen, and when you spoke, your voice was soft and gentle, making Harry a bit more safe in a place he’s new to. 

Jamie had gotten their details and credit card information down before asking them if they needed a tour of the place. They both had said no, seeing as things were pretty self-explanatory and they’d been to a boxing gym before. 

They headed out of Jamie’s office and to the main floor, walking over to the heavy bags since the section was less crowded to start stretching. Harry rolled his shoulders and neck around, swinging his arms forwards and backward as he looked around the gym. 

This was something he had to get used to—being in a new place, surrounded by new people. At Fight Night, he was around the same people for four years, and he was comfortable — he was fine with it. But now, he had to go through the same process all over again. Nerves and anxiety crept up his skin as he tried to jump around lightly, warming up a bit but also trying to shake off the unwanted feelings. 

“Hey, you okay?” Benny asked concerningly as he stretched. 

Harry’s brows raised, covering up his anxiousness. “Hmm, yeah, I am. Y’know, just a, uh, new place, that’s all,” he brushed him off. 

“Okay. Well, whenever you’re ready to go, just tell me,” Benny told him before going into his bag to grab the wrapping tape. 

Harry nodded, smiling in appreciation. Benny had always been a great friend to him, and Harry was a great friend to Benny as well. They always took each other’s feelings and concerns into consideration—always making sure the other is okay. They both really appreciated it because some friends weren’t lucky enough to talk about their feelings and be that vulnerable with one another. They trusted each other; they were like brothers. 

Harry grabbed his jump rope, deciding to do a little five-minute warm-up to get his heart rate going. He faced the boxing ring to the left of him, noticing that you were in the ring, so he decided to casually watch you box. He then noticed that you had boxing pads on instead of gloves, and the people you were training were the kids that he had seen earlier. 

He watched you instruct the excited kids who were prancing around with their boxing gloves on, in every color imagined. You helped them fix their form, their stance, and their punch; telling them that they had to be quick with their hit to bring their glove back to the side of their face quickly, so their opponent doesn’t have a chance to take a hit. The kids demonstrated for you, punching your right hand that was covered with the pad. You praised all of them, of course, correcting a few things, but overall, everyone was a natural fighter. 

Harry’s heart rate definitely started to pick up, and he didn’t know if it was how fast he was jumping rope or because of the flutter he felt as he watched you interact with the kids. He truly never felt this kind of feeling where his heart picked up from the simple act of looking at someone. 

You had definitely noticed Harry staring at you from your peripheral view, and you had thought it was a simple glance, but he never looked away. So, you took the opportunity to take a quick look at him while the kids were practicing. 

Your eyes met him and you sent him a small smile, along with a wave with your boxing pads. Harry’s eyes widened, realizing that you were waving at him, and what happened next had embarrassed him even more. With how fast he was jumping, he suddenly got tangled with the rope, causing him to trip against it. Luckily, he caught his fall, but he was already embarrassed enough. 

Harry’s heart completely dropped, cheeks flushed. He couldn’t believe he had made a complete fool of himself, especially at his new gym. He so badly wanted to tell Benny that he was ready to leave, but when he looked over at his friend, he had already started his workout, being so focused and in the zone that Harry didn’t want to be a burden. 

When he turned back around to see if you were still looking, he jolted back a bit as you were behind him. 

“Are you okay?” You asked concerningly. 

“Uh, yeah. I…yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.” He cleared his throat, trying to cover up the fact that his voice almost cracked. He was so stunned by you. The way you made sure he was okay was possibly the nicest thing someone had done for him as you looked at him with your sweet eyes, and your posture was giving him your full attention. His heart pounded through his chest; the simple action and effort that was being put into this was making him overwhelmed. 

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything, yeah?” You told him as you looked at him intently. He simply nodded, knowing that he couldn’t process any more words. 

You gave him one last smile before quickly going back to your students. He watched you climb into the ring so effortlessly before continuing your training class. 

Harry took a deep breath before walking over to one of the speed bags that was in the corner, hoping to hide away from the embarrassment that he felt. Wrapping his hands up, he anxiously scanned the room, noticing that everyone was doing their own thing. There was a possibility that no one else had seen him almost fall on his face, except you, which he really wished that it was the entire gym who saw him instead, not you. He lazily hit the speed bag, trying to warm up and shake off his mortification. Harry continued hitting the bag, eventually getting into a rhythm as his fists alternated between one another, along with the rhythm of the music of Montrell Jordan’s ‘This Is How We Do It.’ 

Soon enough, all the worry and stress that was in Harry’s head and body was shaken off and completely forgotten about as he focused on his strong punches, making sure to connect his mind to his muscles, so he could feel his muscles working. 

And for the time being, life wasn’t all that bad. 

A month had passed since being at Don’s Box, and Harry and Benny quite liked it. They had newer equipment and their music was always on point, playing the best of 90s R&B and Hip-Hop. It was their favorite music to listen to, especially while working out. The people there were nice and cool, never getting in each other’s way and letting everyone do their own thing while still having fun, keeping the space safe and comfortable. 

Harry found himself walking into the gym at nine at night, an hour and a half before it closed. Usually, he wouldn’t work out this late, but during the day, he had felt so unmotivated and lazy to even get out of bed. He could put the blame on Lizette because she had gone to his house the night prior, doing the same thing they always do, but he knew she wasn’t the one to blame. Something about saying no to her and having her not talk to him had physically pained him. They were in a specific arrangement, he knew that. But having someone leave him again was something he couldn’t go through. 

‘What’s Luv?’ by Fat Joe, Ja Rule, and Ashanti was playing when he set his bag down onto the ground against the wall, next to the heavy bag. He started to stretch as he took a look around; not many people were working out at this time, which he liked. 

His eyes continued to search the gym, in hopes he would find you still here. Before the slightest bit of disappointment could settle, he saw you walk out of the hallway with Jamie, smiling and laughing at something he had said. He made a face as a hint of jealousy rushed through as he saw you with Jamie. He knew that there was no point in being jealous because he barely even knew you. But for the past month that he’s been at Don’s Box, you always had this look of excitement on your face when you saw and greeted Harry. It made his stomach flutter every time you would flash him your beautiful smile as you would carry the conversation, asking him about his day and if the music was good, which he commends you for putting his favorite songs on. 

Looking away, he decided to just focus on the quick workout he could get in before the gym closed, so he retained his attention back to stretching before bending down to grab the tape from his bag to wrap his hands. 

“Uh, hi, Harry,” you smiled as you greeted him. He looked up at you. The way the light was positioned behind your head made you look like an actual angel; you were ethereal. 

He stood up and smiled softly. “Hi. How are you?” He asked, trying to contain his nerves from just looking at you. You were gorgeous, as you always are every day. You were wearing a pair of black leggings and a light pink t-shirt that was tied into a knot with the word ‘angel’ that was surrounded by wings printed in the middle. Kind of a coincidence, he thought, thinking back to when he called you an angel in his head. 

“Good, good. You’re here later than usual—without Benny too,” you pointed out, but immediately cursed at yourself for making such an odd observation and telling it to his face as if you were keeping track of the times he’s gone into the gym. 

“Yeah, I was pretty…tired during the day, so the only time I got a burst of energy was right now. And Benny is with his wife and in-laws tonight, so it’s just me tonight,” he explained with a soft chuckle. 

“Well, glad you got the chance to make it in,” you said genuinely. He simply nodded, not knowing what else to say but instead he captured himself into you as you stared at him with your captivating eyes that spoke right through him. What was happening to him? He thought. This hadn’t really happened before, and he was good at letting his walls go up and guarding his precious heart. 

“Hey, I’m gonna head out,” Jamie said, greeting you goodbye, and taking Harry out of his thoughts. “Hey, man. Have a good workout.” He shook Harry’s hand, and Harry smiled, nodding. 

“See you tomorrow,” you told Jamie, smiling a bit as you waved. Jamie left the gym, and it was just you and Harry, along with a few other people who were wrapping up their workout. 

“Are you not gonna go with him?” Harry asked, and you raised your brows in confusion. 

“Why would I go with him?” You wondered. 

“Oh, I just thought you would leave with him, y’know, your boyfriend…” he trailed off, slyly slipping in the word boyfriend in that sentence. 

You giggled, shaking your head. “No, no. Jamie isn't my boyfriend. I’ve known him since I was ten, but nothing’s ever happened between us. Besides, he has a boyfriend of his own.” Harry raised his brows in shock as his shoulders visibly relaxed. “No need to worry, Harry. I’m all yours,” you flirted a bit. You normally wouldn’t flirt so easily with someone, especially if they were a member of your gym, but something about Harry had made you release all the stress you had once you saw and talked to him. 

Harry blushed, grinning as his dimple popped out on his cheek. Your eyes lightened once you noticed that feature, making you think that he was ten times cuter than he already is. 

“You’ve been in the ring, right?” You asked curiously. Harry nodded, and the corner of your lips turned up. “Great! We have about a little less than an hour and a half, so if you’re looking for some intense cardio, I could do it with you—y’know, train you and guide you, and whatnot,” you suggested. 

If Harry’s being honest, he wasn’t planning on doing cardio today—just a few routines to get his muscles warm, but the way you’re looking at him and how you spoke to him so softly and effortlessly, he couldn’t say no. 

“Yeah, I’m up for it,” he responded. Your eye brightened, resisting the urge to squeal from excitement, telling him that you were going to get the mitts and to meet you in the ring. He chuckled slightly as you walked over to the equipment room to get the mitts. Harry quickly hit the speed bag to warm up until he saw you walk out of the room. 

He put on his gray sweater and a green packers beanie, so he could sweat more before he met you in the ring with his gloves pressed between his arm and the side of his body. You put the mitts in between your legs as Harry handed you one of the gloves. Holding onto the end of it, he put his hand inside as you pushed the glove towards him, so it would sit on his hand tightly before strapping it securely for him before proceeding to the next one. The proximity between you two was quite close as you helped him put on the gloves, and you could smell the faint scent of cologne mixed with the slightest bit of sweat, giving him that unique musk; the one that doesn’t smell horrible at all but lured you in. 

You quickly snapped out of your thoughts and looked up at Harry. “Good?” He nodded, punching the gloves together to make sure they felt comfortable. “Ready?” 

“Let’s do this,” Harry said, skipping in place to warm his body up before getting into his stance. His left leg was a few feet away from his right leg as he bounced around a bit, waiting for you. 

You faintly smirked, nodding your head before you put on the mitts. Since Harry was very familiar with the mitt workouts, you figured that you didn’t need to explain what each number represented since mostly all trainers and coaches use the same numbers for the same punch. 

“Okay, let’s warm up a bit. Give me one,” you instructed. Harry put his gloves up to protect his face as you held your right mitt up. With his left hand, he punched your mitt, not giving his full strength. “Is that all you got?” You challenged, knowing that he had more power in him. 

“I-I don’t want to hurt you,” he said honestly with a small pout, standing straight from his boxing stance. Usually, you would take offense to that statement, barking back a comment saying that just because you were a girl it didn’t mean you couldn’t take a hit, but you didn’t go that far into it, knowing Harry didn’t mean it that way whatsoever. 

“You’re not gonna hurt me, Harry. I’ve trained so many people—all with different body types and strengths. My hand has felt all different types of power, so hit the mitt like you mean it.” You hit his shoulder, building up his motivation. He nodded, getting back into his stance as did you. “Now, give me one.” 

This time, Harry’s glove met your mitt with full potential and force, and you took the hit well—not moving back or being stunned. 

“There you go! Keep going,” you told him, and he continued giving you jabs. ‘In Da Club’ by 50 Cent was blaring through the speakers as Harry breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. Several huffs of breath came out loudly as he punched, moving and dancing around the ring with you as the two of you occasionally shifted and switched positions. 

Harry got in a few more punches before you switched it up, telling him, “1-2.” Harry jabbed with his left hand and crossed jabbed with his right hand, putting his full range of motion into his right punch. He did that combination five times as he started to feel sweat dripping down his back and the sides of his forehead. 

You were yelling out words of encouragement and motivation, praising him for his punches, to which he responded back with a better and solid punch to your mitts. 

“Nice!” You took a step back to move around the ring to take advantage of the space as Harry jumped and skipped around to wherever you directed him to. “Wanna take a break?” You asked. He shook his head no, determined to finish this workout that he couldn’t even think about wanting to take a break because he really didn’t want to. “Okay, 1-4-3,” you told him. With force, he jabbed, hooked with his left hand, and hooked with his right hand. 

This feeling that he had felt—being in the ring with you—was something entirely different than when he was in the ring with Henson or Mike. The stress that he physically carried onto his shoulder had washed away into nothingness, leaving him with a drive that didn’t include overthinking and fear. The fear that had left him worried and depressed, that his life would amount to nothing—that fear disappeared inside him once he threw the first punch. It was exhilarating and fun, and he didn’t know he could have this much fun in the ring. But this was the most pleasure he’s ever felt while boxing. 

You ordered him to do some different combinations, such as ‘1-2-3-5,’ which was a jab, cross jab, leading hook, and rear uppercut. You also included moments when he had to duck because you were swinging at him. He definitely had gotten into a rhythm, punching and moving faster. You were the trainer, the person that was supposed to instruct him, but you matched his rhythm and energy and moved quicker with him as well. 

You were starting to get a sweat in as well, and that was mostly because of the adrenaline rushing through your blood as you moved excitedly around the ring. 

After a while, a timer had gone off, telling you that it was time to close up as Harry’s focus was cut off—the sound making him look up hastily. Throughout the time you were working out with Harry, people were slowly starting to make their way out, but the two of you were too focused on working out that you hadn’t even noticed that it was just the two of you left in the gym. 

“Oh, guess we’re closing.” You stood up straighter, wiping the sweat on your forehead with your forearm. “Feelin’ good?” You asked Harry with a proud smile. 

“Feelin’ great,” he smirked. 

“Good, I’m glad. You did great!” You complimented, ripping the velcro strap with your teeth as you took off the mitts. Harry did the same, shaking out his arms as he clenched and unclenched his fists to relieve the ache from making a fist for more than an hour. 

“Thank you. You’re a really great trainer, by the way. This was…the first time I had fun in the ring,” he told you honestly, and without knowing, the slightest bit of him had opened up to you. 

Your eyes brightened, a glimpse of shimmer reflected on your eyes. “Really? Thank you, that makes me really happy, actually.” You felt like you were going to cry on the spot. No one, except your younger students, had ever told you that they had fun in the ring since most people used boxing as a way to get stronger and improve their punches. But fun? That was the first, and you would definitely keep that with you forever. 

You and Harry walked to one end of the ring as Harry held open the top two ropes with his hand as he stepped on the bottom two ropes with his foot, holding it open for you to get out. You blushed, thanking him before you got out of the ring as he followed you out. 

Once you two were on the ground, you turned around to face him. You watched as he took off his beanie, shaking his hair out as they bounced; curls were now formed into waves because of the heat and the sweat that had produced in his beanie. He looked…extra good right now. With his cheeks flushed, hair messy, and sweat dripping down his forehead, you couldn’t put into words how incredibly sexy he looked. 

You cleared your throat, not wanting to get caught for ogling him. “I, uh, have to check on some things before closing. Take your time! And I’ll see you on Monday?” You raised your brows and curled your lips in as you looked up at him. A sense of flustered-ness settled in you as you waited for his answer. 

He breathed out a chuckle as he looked down briefly before looking back into your eyes again. “Yeah, I’ll see you.” You nodded your head, waving at him before you headed over to the office. Harry smiled as he watched you walk into the hallway until he couldn’t see you anymore. 

A small blush formed onto his cheeks as he contained himself from smiling too big and too wide. He put all of his stuff back into his bag, grabbing his towel, ridding the sweat off his skin. Grabbing his belongings, he took another glance at the hallway, hoping to get another look at you before he took off, but you were occupied with closing the gym, so he didn’t bother staying any longer. 

With a small smile on his face, he walked out of the gym, taking in this new profound feeling that he’d never felt before, hoping this feeling would last. 

The next morning, Harry had a sudden urge to go back to the gym. His upper body was quite sore, but he figured he could do some leg exercises to balance the soreness he felt. He normally wouldn’t workout on the weekends since those were his rest days, but despite being sore, he didn’t feel tired. It could also do with the fact that he wanted to see you again, not wanting to wait until Monday to do that again. 

When he walked into the gym, ‘Ride Wit Me’ by Nelly was playing and his head slightly bopped to the music, walking over to the corner of the gym to warm up. He scanned the gym, looking for a particular person, but couldn’t find you. There were a decent amount of people, not too crowded or too little, so it should’ve been easy to find you. Thinking that you were probably in your office, he shook off the slight disappointment and got ready to workout. 

Throughout his workout, his head wasn’t in it. He kept glancing through the mirror to see if you had shown up, but you hadn’t. His eyes were always looking over at the front door every time someone would walk in, but a small frown settled onto his face when he realized it wasn’t you. 

He wrapped up his workout an hour later, thinking that he somewhat still got a good workout in. He walked out of the gym, saying bye to some of the guys that had caught him before he left. 

It was nearing noon when his stomach had growled, urging him to consume some food. There was a Mediterranean hole-in-the-wall restaurant right across Don’s Box, and his mouth watered at the thought of it. He walked to his car that was parked on the side of the street to drop his bag off before walking across the street to the restaurant. 

He scanned the menu, standing on the side since he didn’t know what he was ordering yet. The sound of the door ringing and a voice that was speaking to him brought him out of his thoughts. 

“Are you in line?” Harry turned his head towards the voice, and his heart nearly beating ten times faster when he saw you. He had a shocked expression on his face, not expecting to see you, especially when you were wearing the complete opposite of what he normally sees you in. You were wearing a pair of blue denim overalls with a black t-shirt underneath, along with white Reebok sneakers. You had a bit of makeup on; an orange sparkly eyeshadow look with some mascara that made your eyelashes look full and natural. Your lips were painted in a red-orange lipstick stain, bringing out more of your natural lip color. 

The beauty that Harry’s eyes were blessed with made his knees weak, sending shivers to his skin. Your angelic appearance had struck him so hard that he was sure he would see the light of day, hoping to meet you up there since you were a real-life angel. 

“Y/N…hi,” he managed to spit out. 

“Hi, Harry. Did you just workout?” You asked. 

He nodded, feeling a bit nervous. “Uh, yeah, I did.” 

“You don’t usually go in on Saturdays…” you noticed, only seeing him during the weekdays. You’re off on Saturdays, but there was one Saturday that you had gone into the gym briefly, and you didn’t see him there. 

“Yeah, I felt like going in today,” he said, obviously leaving out the part that he only went to the gym to see you again, but you didn’t need to know that bit. There was a moment of silence between you two until Harry remembered that he was probably holding up the line for you. “Oh, you could go ahead. I’m not ready to order yet.” 

You smiled, nodding your head as you stepped forward in the line. “Have you ever been here before?” 

“No, I haven’t. Do you have any suggestions?” 

You slightly squinted your eyes at him. “Do you trust me?” You asked. 

That was a difficult question for him, and somewhat vague. Did you mean overall, at the moment, or for his food order? Either way, he nodded because he knew that it didn’t matter what you meant--he had this sense of security with you that he would trust you with his life, and that said a lot, considering that he’d only known you for a month. 

“Yeah, I do trust you,” he stated honestly. 

His words brought a grin to your face, looking at him appreciatively. Based on your observations of him, you noticed that he was a bit closed off; he didn’t open himself up, and if he did, it took a lot in him to do just that. So, hearing him tell you that he trusts you made you grateful, and you would never do anything to take advantage of that trust because he didn’t just give it out easily. 

“I got you,” you simply said before turning back around towards the cashier. Harry softly smirked as he took a step forward to stand next to you. You looked at him, flashing him a toothy grin before quickly facing forward. 

You ordered your favorite dish from the restaurant, which was a beef kabab plate, for the both of you. Harry quickly got his wallet out, offering to pay, but you told him that you got it this time, hoping your words conveyed that you wanted there to be a next time. He shyly thanked you for the lunch, keeping your words in mind because he would definitely be up for a ‘next time.’ 

Luckily, you didn’t have to wait long for your order to come out, which was fortunate for Harry because he was starving. You suggested eating outside since it was a beautiful day out and Harry agreed, following you out of the restaurant. 

You two sat on the metal chairs, digging into your dishes. Harry’s mouth watered as he ate, his stomach being satisfied. There was a comfortable silence that settled between you two, only making small conversation when you asked if he liked the food, which you were glad to hear that he loved. 

“So, how long have you been running Don’s Box?” He suddenly asked, wanting to get to know you better. 

You raised your brows at his question. “For about two years now. My father, Don, opened the gym when he was twenty-five, that’s when he had me as well. But when he opened the gym, it practically changed his life. He’d boxed all of his life, and he was happy training other people when he started getting more people to come into his gym. When I was about six, he told me that he wanted me to run the gym when I turned twenty-five, only if I wanted to. But of course, I did. I looked up to him all of my life, and the gym made me happy as well,” you explained, smiling at the memory of when you were younger, being excited to turn twenty-five to do the same thing your father did. 

A soft smile appeared on Harry’s face as you reminisce on the memory. 

“How long have you been boxing?” 

“Since I was eight. Don showed me the ropes when I told him I was ready. There used to be a seating area on the side of the ring because when I was younger, I used to sit there and watch him work and train people. So, I was pretty interested and intrigued about fighting to get myself stronger, even at the young age of eight,” you chuckled. 

You were a daddy’s girl, always had been since you were born. Don had always set a pretty amazing example of how you should go about living your life. He would always say ‘Live your life with a strong punch. Keep your head up, and don’t let anything get to you because you’re so much more than what other people say. But if you need to cry, you can—there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.’ 

As your eyes watered from the thought of your father’s words, Harry watched as you got emotional and he couldn’t help but think that you’ve crossed a line in asking too many questions. 

“Sorry, I always get emotional-”

“I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped—I should’ve kept the questions to myself-”

“Oh, no! You didn’t overstep whatsoever. I’m glad you asked me those questions, I just get soft and emotional over my dad, so hence, I’m tearing up,” you let out a somewhat pathetic chuckle as you couldn’t believe that you almost cried in front of this gorgeous man. You dabbed the corners of your eyes with your napkin, stopping the tears from falling out. 

Harry nodded understandingly, waiting for you to regroup yourself. You kept apologizing, but he kept telling you that you had nothing to be sorry for. 

“Really, if you need to cry, you can…” he told you. Your eyes widened; you were just thinking about your dad’s words two minutes ago, and for Harry to say the exact same thing Don had always told you without even knowing that Don had said those words. 

Not wanting to cry in front of him, you simply nodded your head, holding the napkin on the outer corner of your eye, so the napkin would catch your tears. 

Harry quickly changed the subject, sensing that you needed it, and you really did, so you were grateful for that. He busied himself by telling you what his favorite ice cream flavor was since he was suddenly reminded that there was a shop just down the street. He kept you occupied by talking about all the sweet treats that he used to eat with his mom back home, and how much he missed walking down the streets in the city to eat some ice cream. 

“My mum used to make this really great chocolate mousse pie, and we would eat it every weekend. It was extremely sweet, but it was delicious. I really miss it…” he told you. That had been a while ago, but it was like he could still taste the dessert as if he just ate it yesterday. 

“Is your mom back home in England?” You asked, figuring that there wasn’t any harm in asking to get to know him since he asked you some questions as well. 

“Uh…actually, I don’t know where she is…” he said honestly, and you knitted your brows in confusion. “I mean, honestly. I don’t know where she is. Ever since I went to uni, she’s been all over the place, taking vacations and barely calling. I-I feel like she’s forgotten about me,” he spoke ever so softly as he was fragile. 

You listened to him intently, giving him your full attention as he was opening up a part of his life that you knew he doesn’t tell a lot of people. A part of him that he’s kept in for so long and just the passing sense of relief he felt saying those words and speaking up about this subject had made him feel so much better. 

“I’m sure she didn’t forget about you.” 

“Seemed like it. We inherited my grandfather’s will—left us a generous amount for each of us that’ll take care of us for the rest of our lives. And she took that and ran with it. I mean, I get it—she wants to live her life, and now’s the time to do that because she’s got the money for it, but I feel…abandoned. She got up, said goodbye, and just…left. It just makes me think that I’m not good enough—that I wasn’t good enough to stay.” Harry opened a can of worms that he can’t take back anymore. But the trust that he had in you already made him want to talk about everything with you; to open up about all of his stresses and insecurities. 

Boldly, you reached your arm across the table but immediately pulled away because you didn’t want to touch him without asking. But before you could open your mouth and ask, Harry had reached forward, meeting your hand halfway as his palm was facing up as if it was a way of saying ‘you can hold my hand if you want.’ Blushing, you reached forward again and took your hand into his. 

The touch was sweet and tender as you two held hands; the want to hold each other tighter was present, wanting to take away Harry’s pain. 

“Harry, you will always be good enough. I know we just met a month ago, but I already know that you’re the sweetest, kindest person. Please know that. You are enough, and I’m grateful that you’re here and that I’m sitting across from you, eating lunch,” you declared. Harry sniffled, not knowing what to say as he put his head down, so you continued. “For as long as we’re friends, I’m gonna stay.” You spoke with complete honesty as you caressed the back of his hand with your thumb. 

Harry’s head lifted up at your last statement in disbelief as if this was the first time someone had ever said that to him. 

“Really?” 

You squeezed his hand, making his heart flutter. “Yeah. As long as you want me to,” you reassured, nodding. 

Harry gave you a soft and appreciating smile as he took a deep breath. The breath that he held in throughout the entirety of the conversation was finally let out in relief. He shrunk back into his seat, still holding your hand as you continued rubbing it, and he breathed out a chuckle. It was an overwhelming feeling that was riddled with happiness and a sense of security washed over him. 

It was like he had been waiting for you; someone new that unexpectedly came into his life was scary because it was change, but it was a good change. A change for the better. He had been vulnerable enough to open himself up, and it all led to the tight bond and trust you two had with one another, sealing your friendship and relationship. 

And you both knew this moment was going to change everything. 

Time had passed by rather quickly as it was nearing the end of October. The weather was getting chillier as the sun was beginning to disappear behind the clouds earlier. There was something about the fall weather that Harry adored. It may have to do with the fact that the gloomy sky had occurred more often, or how he got to call it a night early. Whatever it may be, he liked it, or he used to. 

In recent times, he wanted the sun to stay out until it was time to go to bed. He wanted warm days instead of gloomy. His new changed attitude towards life had to do with you. 

You and Harry had been hanging out quite a lot; getting to know one another, getting a bite or drink, and working out together, it definitely gave Harry the chance to let go of his past. He was happier, smiled more, and laughed a lot which he didn’t know he was capable of doing those things again until he met you. 

Benny loved it, though. He sure cherished it because seeing his best friend happy again was something he was afraid he wouldn’t see again. But that didn’t stop him from having a little talk with you, trying to protect Harry and set you straight. 

When Harry was occupied with hitting the speed bag, Benny walked over to the ring, where you had just finished another class with your younger students. 

“Hey, Benny!” You greeted him once you saw him walk towards you. 

“Hey, do you mind chatting for a minute?” You raised your brows, nodding your head. Benny usually didn’t talk to you privately nor was it anything serious, but by the look on his face, it seemed pretty serious. “So, you’ve been hanging out with Harry a lot, hmm?” 

You smiled softly. “Yeah! Hope you don’t mind that? Know I’m taking your best friend and all…” 

“No, I don’t mind. I’m actually glad you are. He seems quite taken by you, and I haven’t seen him like that in a very long time,” Benny said honestly. You seemed to know where this conversation was going now, and now that you thought about it, you expected this from Benny because they were like brothers and Benny would do anything to protect Harry. “What I’m trying to say is…if you’re only hanging out with him to fuck with him, don’t bother. He’s been through enough, and I know he can’t handle anymore of that and I can’t stand to see him like that again.” 

“Like what?” You hesitatingly asked. 

“Like…just know that he was a mess. He couldn’t get up, eat, drink, shower, or anything. I had to physically help him. I don’t want to see him like that ever again.” Benny shook his head as if he was reliving the horrible nightmare that he went through a few years ago. 

“Is this about his mom?” 

“He told you that?” He asked, just to make sure, and you nodded. “Kind of. But that’s only half of it. He’ll tell you when he’s ready, but I’ve already said too much. Just…take care of him, okay? He tries to act tough sometimes, but he’s trying his best to not break down. Although, I haven’t seen that kind of look on him since he’s been hanging out with you, so you’re probably doing something right.” 

You nodded understandingly. “Thanks for talking to me. I don’t plan on breaking his heart at all, and I’m quite taken with him myself,” you admitted. 

“Good. I’m glad you are. He’s a great guy.��� Benny smiled, and you agreed. 

Benny didn’t talk to you for much longer before he started getting cold from standing around, so he ended the conversation and went back to working out. 

Meanwhile, as you and Benny were talking, Don took the chance himself to talk to Harry, seeing as you were occupied. 

“Harry.” Don made himself present around him. 

Harry immediately stopped his workout, greeting your father. “What’s up, Don?” 

“So, I’ve noticed that you’ve been hanging around Y/N a lot.” Don’s stance changed as he crossed his arms, sporting a slight frown. Harry gulped; he always found Don to be quite intimidating, ever since he joined the gym, but Harry didn’t want to seem like he couldn’t have a serious conversation with the father of the woman that he’s slowly falling for--no, he couldn’t act like that. “What’s that all about?” Don added. 

“I’m just…we’re friends, so we’re just hanging out. Nothing more,” he told Don honestly. Although he would like there to be more, he didn’t know how you felt about him or if you even felt anything for him at all. 

Don nodded. He could tell that Harry was holding back on something he wanted to say, and he had an idea of what that was. So, he let loose of the intimidating and protective act, knowing that wasn’t really him anyway, and his expression softened as he uncrossed his arms. He placed a comforting hand on Harry’s shoulder, taking a deep breath. 

“You have this look of wanting to say more and you don’t have to tell me, but I will tell you this…if you want to date her and go out with her, you can. This isn’t approval and a ‘yes’ for you to take her out because I don’t need to do that--she can make her own decisions. All I’m saying is that if you want to, go for it. Life is too fuckin’ short to not do anything, to not say anything.” 

Harry’s shoulders relaxed and he smiled in appreciation at Don’s words. “Thanks, Don. I definitely want to take her out, but I just don’t know how she feels about me.” 

“Oh, I’m pretty sure she feels something for you--she hasn’t told me, but I just know. You’re the first guy in a while that she’s been hanging around with consistently, and that comforts me, in a way. Knowing that she’s living her life and not holding back anymore.” Harry stayed silent, taking his words in. He tried not to overanalyze what Don had said because you’ll tell him and open up to him when you want to, just like how you’re patiently waiting for Harry to open up fully as well. “Just…don’t break her heart, okay? She’s been through enough and I just want her to be happy.” 

Harry nodded understandingly, saying a soft ‘okay’ before Don changed the subject and talked about how  Harry should train with him one of these days, which Harry immediately said yes to and they planned for the following week to train. Don left him to finish his workout, telling him to have a nice night as you and Harry were going out to dinner. 

Benny and Harry finished up their workout, and before they were able to head out the front door, Harry stopped, telling Benny to give him a minute. Harry fast-walked towards you, lugging his bag on his shoulder. You were coming out of your office, which was why Harry couldn’t say goodbye to you after his workout. 

“Hey, we’re heading out,” he said, wiping the bit of sweat on the back of his neck with his towel. 

“Oh, okay. I’ll see you later?” 

“Yeah, I’ll pick you up,” Harry suggested, pursing his lips into his mouth as he contained his smile. You nodded, eyes sparkling as you looked up at him. “I’ll, uh, page you,” he slightly smirked. 

“Okay,” you mindlessly responded as you were getting quite lost in his green eyes that looked at you intently with a gleam that sat so perfectly against his irises, making his eyes glimmer brightly.

He gave you one last smile and a little wave before walking out of the gym with Benny. You were left stunned as you stood there, completely drifted away from reality as you were in a dream about Harry. You felt a small nudge on your shoulder, causing you to snap out of your thoughts and dream as you turned around to see your father laughing. 

“Get back to work.” A smug plastered on his face. 

A breathy chuckle was released from your mouth as a hint of embarrassment emerged onto your face with wide eyes. You got back to work, focusing your attention on training your next client, but your mind was racing at the thought of Harry. 

As he promised, Harry paged you when he was outside of your apartment complex. He wanted to knock on your door like the proper gentleman that he is, but the buzzer machine to let people in wasn’t working, so paging you would have to do for now. He waited for you outside of his newly washed car, making sure it was nice and clean for you as he leaned against the passenger door. 

You walked out of your building, and Harry was immediately blown away. You were wearing a black skirt with stockings that hugged your legs, and a white knitted sweater since it was on the chillier side. 

Every time he saw you, his heart would beat incredibly fast, pulse pounding through his veins. His stomach was in flits of butterflies, soaring in his heart and stomach, making him extremely nervous. Every time he saw you, everything would stop, like you were the only person in the world and everything was okay. 

“Hey, H,” you flashed him your smile, one that he looked forward to every time he saw you. 

“H-Hi,” he stuttered, clearing his throat to start over. “Hi. You look really nice.” 

You blushed. “Thank you! You look great as well. Love this top.” You reached forward, lightly tugging at his red-orange knitted long-sleeve. He paired it with blue jeans that flared at the bottom with white sneakers. His fingers were covered in beautiful silver rings, making his hands look quite gorgeous. 

“Thank you, shall we?” 

“Yeah, oh, I got you something.” You reached into your bag to take out the cased CD, and before Harry was about to protest, you handed it to him. “I made you this mixtape. Just some songs that I think you’ll like—I’m sure you know all of them, but they just made me think of you,” you said shyly. 

You weren’t normally shy and you would call yourself a pretty strong and confident person, but you had been so nervous to give this to him—even making the tape left you anxious and shaking. 

“Wow, this is…very thoughtful of you. Thank you so much.” Harry looked at the CD with the songs written in your handwriting. There were 10 songs, and Harry knew all of them. They were all…romantic songs. 

“That’s not weird, right? Y’know, making you a mixtape?” You asked unsurely. The odd feeling had popped into your mind at the last second as you watched Harry observe the CD, not giving a bad nor good reaction to your gift. 

“No, not at all! I really appreciate this. No one has ever made a mixtape for me before, so this is really nice and special. Thank you again.” He reached forward, wrapping one arm around your shoulders as both of your arms found their way around his waist. You somewhat weren’t convinced that he liked it, and he could tell just by how you were looking at him--looking for some more reassurance--that it seemed like he didn’t like it. When he pulled away, he looked at you before saying, “Really, it makes me happy that you took the time to make this for me. It’s so sweet and thoughtful of you, and I already love all the songs on here, so I’m one-hundred-percent going to enjoy this.” 

You nodded, smiling softly as he opened the door for you and you thanked him, blushing as you got in. It seemed very much like a date and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought of that. 

Harry drove to the sandwich shop that waited for you both. It was twenty minutes away on the other side of the town, but Harry had been raving about it so much to you that you told him that you two should go, which Harry was more than happy to take you. 

The sound of Boyz II Men filled the speakers of Harry’s car as the two of you sang your hearts out to ‘On Bended Knees,’ putting full emotion and passion into singing. You held up your water bottle, pretending that it was a microphone, and Harry kept shifting his gaze on you, trying to keep his eyes on the road, but also wanting to look at you as you sang. He smiled to himself, absolutely loving how you were so carefree--something that he admired about you. 

His heart fluttered, curling his lips into his mouth before he did something that was quite bold of him to do. Reaching over, he grabbed your hand, intertwining your fingers together. Your body was frozen, but you continued to sing, covering up the fact that Harry was holding your hand so casually. You were stiff as a board, so you tried loosening up, swaying your body from side to side, slightly averting your eyes towards him as he continued to drive. 

The moonlight cast through the car window, giving him a dim glow, accentuating his features; jawline prominent, his lashes shadowed down onto his cheeks, and his eyes were calm; the light reflecting against his glassy green eyes. Your heartbeat a million miles a minute as you looked at him. You had this appreciation and admiration for him--that you were lucky and grateful that you have him and that there was nothing more beautiful than the man sitting beside you. 

With your face on fire, you smiled as you carried on, singing with the warmth of Harry’s hand connected with yours. 

You were sitting across Harry, munching on your sandwich as you listened to him talk about how he wanted to actually find a job. He’s been sitting around, living quite wealthy as his inheritance sat safely. But he’d been getting bored. Every day was a routine for him and it was a pretty boring routine, he would say. The only places he really went to were the gym and the places that the two of you went together, but that was it. He needed a hobby, something that he could escape to that doesn’t require breaking a sweat from punching bags and mitts. 

“You said you like books, so maybe you could see if the bookstore down the street from the gym is hiring. That would be a nice little place to work at,” you suggested. 

Harry’s eyes lightened up, apart from thinking that was a great idea and the other part from being surprised that you remembered such a small detail about him when he’d talked about books briefly with you. 

“I should definitely do that, thank you. I love that bookstore, it’s-”

“Y/N?” Harry was interrupted by a man who had walked over to your table. Harry looked up, observing the guy as he was looking at you so intently. He quickly looked at you as you were looking up at the man with a shocked expression on your face, wide eyes and mouth slightly opened. 

“Uh, hi,” you said, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Your eyes glanced at Harry and he had a worried expression on his face, eyes asking if you were okay. You nodded softly, bringing your attention back to him. 

“I-I’ve been calling the gym and paging you, but you haven’t been answering any of them…” the man mentioned slyly. You were quite speechless, not expecting him to be here and not knowing what to say. 

“I, uh-”

“Can we talk right now?” He asked. You were flickering your eyes between Harry, someone that you were completely infatuated with, and the man that you were completely irritated with. But if you didn’t talk to him right now, he wouldn’t leave you alone and wouldn’t stop calling you, so you made the mistake of saying a soft ‘okay’ as you got up, looking over at Harry, giving a subtle smile. 

Just by the way he was looking at you, you knew you had regretted your decision and you wished that you hadn’t given in so easily. 

Once you were outside, you crossed your arms, in a way to seem reserved and closed off, but in reality, you really were. The uncomfortableness you felt was something you haven’t felt in a while as it felt like your stomach was boiling as bile salivated your mouth. Your fists were hidden underneath your arms, clenching, and your lips were curled into your mouth to immediately spew inappropriate sayings and vile remarks. 

“What do you want to talk about?” You asked, brows pinched together. 

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for quite a while now, but I just wanted to talk. I hate how we ended things…” he said remorsefully. You tried not to fall for the pouty look he was giving you as if he knew quite well you would fall for it. 

“It’s been six months, Max,” you reminded him. You and Max had an ugly breakup, and you had been picking up your own pieces yourself. You two had been together for nearly a year until he started to act differently. Noticing that he was going home late, staying at the bars until the early hours of the morning, and being quite rude and dismissive towards you, it ended in a screaming match where he ended up spitting out rude comments at you--calling you ugly, useless, and boring. It also caused him to confess that he was cheating on you for half the time you were together with him, and you thought that was a lie he made up just to make you angry, but a month after the breakup, you had found out that was true because you had accidentally bumped into the girl he was cheating on you with. At the time, you couldn’t blame him because the girl was absolutely gorgeous and seemed a lot of fun, but now, you know your worth and you absolutely didn’t deserve that whatsoever. 

For six months, you hadn’t seen him, but he had been leaving you countless calls to the gym phone. However, Max wouldn’t dare to step foot in the gym ever again because Don had clearly threatened him when he saw Max on the street, pinning him up against the brick wall by his shirt and yelling in his face that if he ever came close to you or the gym ever again, he wouldn’t see the end of the day. 

Don would’ve lost his shit if he saw Max in front of you. 

“This is pointless. I was fine living my life for the past six months without you. In fact, I haven’t even thought about you until you showed up. Couldn’t you see I was doing just fine? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Your tone was scornful, not wanting to be in front of him anymore but instead the lovely man inside. 

“I just assumed you wanted some sort of closure…” 

“If I wanted closure, then I would’ve called you. But I don’t need closure. I was doing okay-” 

“With who? That man inside the restaurant?” He interrupted, brows raised. His demeanour suddenly changed just because you had given him the slightest bit of attitude. Max went from soft, wanting forgiveness to the Max that you saw last--completely offensive, rude, and a dickhead.  

“Yeah, his name is Harry, by the way. I was doing okay until you showed up!” You rolled your eyes, making your way back inside to Harry, who was waiting for you inside. 

Of course, Max wasn’t done until he got the last word, so he yelled out, “You know, whatever you’re doing with him, he’s gonna leave you; just like how I left you.” You slowly turned around, heart aching as his words had definitely done something this time. “You think Harry cares about you Y/N? Think again, he’s gonna leave you and you’re gonna be alone. You’re nothing, Y/N--not without me, at least. You aren’t worth anything, and you had to take over your dad’s gym to feel like you are. Stop fooling yourself.” 

Your eyes watered, trying your hardest not to let them slip from your eyes. You had already felt weak tearing up in front of him, so you couldn’t imagine what he would think if you bawled your eyes out. Suddenly, you heard the bell above the restaurant door chime. You didn’t bother turning around, but you somehow knew that it was Harry who was behind you. 

“Everything alright here?” Harry asked warily, eyes pointed towards you. 

“Yeah, man. See you, Y/N.” With that, he walked away, hopefully for good. Harry knew everything wasn’t alright with how you’re ready to burst into tears. As much as he wanted to follow him, force an answer out of him as to why you were in such distress, he was more worried about you. 

Standing in front of you, Harry placed an arm on your shoulder, his other hand held the brown paper bag that had both of your leftovers as he didn’t want to eat without you. Your body was tense, not because of Harry’s touch but because of the words that had taken such an effect on you, and you were doing everything to not break down in the middle of the sidewalk. 

“Hey, you okay?” Harry asked softly, bending down slightly to look you in the eyes. Your eyes were pointed down at the ground, thinking that if you looked Harry in the eyes, you were going to break. 

“Uh, c-can you take me to the gym, please?” You asked once you fully gained the courage to speak, but your voice was shaky. 

Harry immediately nodded. “Yeah, yeah, of course. Let’s go.” He put his arm around your shoulders and you comfortably nuzzled into his side as he guided you to his car. 

The drive back was silent—the complete opposite from the drive to the restaurant. Instead of happiness radiating out of your bodies, the space felt gloomy. Harry’s mind had spiraled as he drove, thinking about what that man could have possibly said to you. He was torn between wanting to be angry, but he was more concerned for you because you had never been this silent before. 

Once Harry was in front of the gym, you immediately got out before he was able to turn off the car. Using your keys, you unlocked the front door, turning off the alarm system before throwing your purse, not caring where it landed and rushed towards the heavy bags. 

This was where you let all your anger out. The place where you screamed at the top of your lungs with no care on who might hear you. This was your safe space, and if someone was going to judge you for utilizing your safe space, then they didn’t belong there. 

You screamed, punched, and kicked the heavy bag with full force as your tears had streamed down your face. Your heart was beating painfully with every scream you forced out of your body. Your punches were solid, making the bag swing back and forth, but your knuckles were starting to redden because you didn’t wrap your hands. 

Harry quickly followed you, a frown plastered on his face as he watched you let your anger out all on the heavy bag. He let you do your thing, watching from the sidelines before he waited for the right moment to cut in. 

“You. Fucking. Stupid. Piece. Of. Shit,” you yelled out with every punch. You sniffled, continuing to punch the bag, eyes glossy from your endless amount of tears. 

The friction from the leather and your bare skin was rubbing against each other, cutting and peeling open your skin. Your hands had numbed the pain, so you carried on with your punches until Harry had wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest and away from the heavy bag once he started to see redness and blood scattered onto your knuckles. You screamed, your body protesting, wanting to continue punching, but you knew you didn’t have any more energy. 

Turning around in his arms, your face was met with his chest, sobbing into his shirt. Harry’s hands soothed your back, comforting you as his heart ached from the sadness you radiated. Your bloody hands clutched his shirt as you cried, tears staining his shirt. Your whines and whimpers filled the empty gym, echoing back at you. 

Everything hurt—your heart, eyes, body, and your hands were now starting to sting. Harry held you tighter, carefully taking a seat onto the ground and bringing you down with him. You sat in between his legs and your head rested on his shoulder. 

After a moment, he felt you calm down and your body physically relaxed. Mindlessly, his hand brushed your hair back from your forehead, pressing a kiss to your skin. Harry hadn’t realized he did that until he pulled away and he hoped he hadn’t crossed a line by doing that. But when he kissed your forehead, you pulled him closer, burying your face into his neck. 

“Talk to me—tell me what you need, angel,” he said softly, wanting to help and be there for you. The nickname had completely slipped out as he’d been calling you that in his head. He’d never seen you break down at all, so this was very new to him. 

You shook your head, nickname going over your head. “Nothing. Just you.” 

Harry nodded his head, heart fluttering at your words as he held you tighter. He continued to soothe your hair and back as he heard you sigh deeply at the comfort. Looking down at your hands, he realized they were still bloody and cut up, and he knew that your cuts needed to be treated as soon as possible. 

“Can I take care of your hands? I’m still gonna be close, just wanna bandage you up.” You sniffled, nodding your head. Harry slightly smiled, carefully getting up before helping you up. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder, first asking you where the first aid kit was, and you two walked to one of the offices to get the kit before going to the restroom. “Wanna sit?” He asked, patting the cold counter. Nodding your head, you placed your hands on the counter, but he quickly stopped you, taking off his jacket for you to sit on. 

“Thank you,” you softly said to him gratefully before jumping to sit on the counter. 

Harry opened the box that contained multiple and different types of bandages, an instant cold pack, thermometer, antiseptic wipes, and scissors. Harry washed his hands well before grabbing the antiseptic wipe and ripping it open. He situated himself between your legs, gently grabbing your hand to rest on his. He looked up at you, first asking you if it was okay to start, and when you said yes, he slowly and carefully started to wipe the area around the cut. 

You watched him as he cleaned your cuts; he was so focused on wiping the blood that stained your skin and was careful not to press too hard because you were starting to bruise already. As you watched him, you felt immensely grateful. It’d been a while since you had a true friend that would help you with anything and take care of you. Your feelings for him had skyrocketed, heart pounding so loud you could feel it in your ears. 

“The guy at the restaurant was my ex-boyfriend, Max,” you suddenly said. Harry looked up at you to let you know that he was listening as he continued to clean your hands. “It was a bit of a messy breakup; he called me names, insulted me, and confessed that he was cheating on me. When I saw him at the restaurant, that was the first time since the breakup, and it was like I relived that day again.” 

“Did he say anything to you?” Harry asked, holding back his anger because he knew the answer,  Harry watched through the window the entire time and noticed your posture and demeanor change, causing Harry to quickly pay and rush outside just in case anything happened. 

“Y-Yeah.” Your voice croaked. “Said I didn’t amount to anything—that I wasn’t anything without him-”

“That’s bullshit, Y/N-”

“I’m so mad at myself.” Tears were forming in your eyes again as you looked down at your lap. Redness brimmed your eyelids as you sniffled. 

“What? Why?” Harry asked confusingly. 

You shook your head at yourself. “For years, I’ve been training—learning how to defend myself for when I need it. I was raised to have a strong mindset, to not take shit from anyone because Don told me not to. But when he came around, I didn't say a word, let alone move a muscle. I hate how he made me weak. I hate how I didn’t stand up for myself.” Your voice was shaky and your tears streamed down your face as you paused for a moment. “He told me that you were gonna leave me just like everyone else in my life did,” you added. 

Harry was seething, breathing in through his nose as his face hardened. He masked his anger because his priority was to comfort you, so he tried to let go of his anger for a moment. 

“Listen to me.” He placed his hands on the outside of your legs, bending down to look you in the eyes. Your glossy eyes looked at him, a small pout on your face. “You’re the strongest person I know, alright, angel?” This time, you heard the pet name loud and clear, making your heart do backflips. “You didn’t let him walk all over you, no, you’re much more mature than him to ever start something. He wanted to see you angry, and frustrated. He wanted to add fuel to the fire, and you didn’t give him the satisfaction. You aren’t weak at all. You’ve got a strong heart, and I’m sure that punch of yours to his nose would damage it for good.” 

You breathed out a chuckle at his last statement, nodding, knowing he was right. Harry smiled, dimples showing proudly as he wiped the tears that were falling from your eyes. Giving him a half-smile, you leaned forward, pressing your face against his collarbones. He stood up straight to wrap his arms around your back. You daringly placed a kiss onto the exposed skin that was peeking out from his shirt. Harry’s face warmed up at the touch that was so soft and delicate, yet felt like it was burning through his skin. You pulled away, looking up at him as you thanked him. 

Your eyes darted between his eyes and his lips as your face was just inches away from him. His face was delicate and his beauty shined over the darkness of the world. It was as if he didn’t seem real like you couldn’t believe someone so beautiful and breathtaking was standing right in front of you. You studied every curve, movement, and freckle on his face as they all very well defined him, heightening your admiration with every look of his perfections and imperfections. 

Harry blushed under your stare, clearing his throat as he felt nervous. He pulled his face away a tad bit, offering you a small smile. “Of course. Always gonna be here for you. Now, let me just finish cleaning your hands before taking you home.” 

You nodded, letting him finish with his task. His hands were gentle as he wrapped the bandage around your hand. Your heart was filled with so much admiration and gratitude that you simply wouldn’t know what to do if Harry weren’t there today. The growing feelings had taken over your heart and mind that you were a bit scared, but nonetheless, you let them take over. 

Harry sat at the bar next to Benny, nursing a beer he had ordered ten minutes ago. It had been a while since they hung out together, but that was because Benny was trying to get his wife pregnant, so when Marianne calls, they spent their time baby-making. The other reason was that Harry was spending most of his time with you, which he loved every minute of. 

“So, a little bird told me that you’ve been going to the gym on Saturdays now,” Benny mentioned, a hint of tease in his tone. 

Harry chuckled. “Really? And who told you that?” He asked, taking a sip of his beer. 

“Starts with a D and ends with an N,” Benny laughed, giving you the obvious answer. 

“Well, I’ve been going in on Saturdays because Don always schedules our training sessions on Saturdays. Nothing else,” he slightly lied. After his first training day with Don, Harry told Don that he wanted to continue training with him because he gets a good workout with him rather than by himself, hitting the heavy bag or speed bag, so Don always scheduled for Saturdays since those were the easiest days. 

But other than the training sessions, he also got to see you on Saturdays, which he really enjoyed because sometimes after his workout, you two would grab a bite to eat or plan to hang out later that day. He liked it, he liked you. 

“Hmm, interesting. It doesn’t have to do with a particular trainer who also happens to own the gym?” Benny raised his brows. 

“Not really into Don, to be honest,” Harry joked, bouncing around Benny’s question. They both laughed, slamming their hand on the bar top. 

“Really, though. I’m happy for you. You’ve been in such a happier mood, and that’s all I want—is for you to be happy. She’s doing a great job,” Benny said honestly. Seeing his friend happy after everything he’s been through had lifted a certain weight off of his shoulders, and it seemed like he didn’t need to worry about Harry. 

Harry simply nodded, smiling as words weren’t necessary. He always felt like Benny was always concerned about him, and although he appreciated him being worried, he didn’t need to anymore because Harry was finally feeling much happier than he was before. 

“There you are.” A voice was suddenly heard next to Harry along with a hand on his shoulder. Harry tensed up, and he hadn’t in a while, but he knew that wasn’t your voice nor was it your touch. Harry turned his head to the side to find Lizette sitting on the stool next to him, giving him a smug smile. He didn’t say anything but look at Benny, and saw his eyes narrow, confused as to why Lizette was here. “I’ve been calling your home and paging you. Why haven’t you been answering me?” She pouted. 

Harry knew that pout all too well. She used it to trick you into saying yes to her and getting what she wanted, but Harry was stronger than that now; he knew how to hold his ground. 

He hadn’t seen Lizette ever since the week before he joined Don’s Box. With all of his time spent with you, he hadn’t really thought about Lizette, if he’s being honest. You had fully taken every inch and space of his mind that it was maximum capacity, but he still found a way to make space from the invading thoughts of you. 

“Just been…busy, Lizette, that’s all,” he said, not giving her his full attention as he looked at his bottle. 

“Too busy for me?” 

“Yeah, something like that.” He didn’t want to outright be rude to her because naturally, Harry was a kind and thoughtful man, so he kept his harsh thoughts to himself. 

She inched closer to Harry, close enough to where her mouth was against his ear as she whispered, “Well, since I so happened to run into you, how about we go back to yours?”

Harry took a deep breath. He felt like he was his old self again—making impulsive and not so thought out decisions that end up fucking him and his emotions over in the future. Being with Lizette was something, and it helped make him feel a little less lonely, even though she immediately left right after she got what she wanted. 

But Harry hadn’t felt lonely at the moment and in months. He had his best friend next to him, having a drink, and he had you. He wasn’t lonely at all. So, why was he getting off the stool and putting his coat on before closing his tab for the night? 

Benny’s eyes widened, looking at Harry as if he was asking what the actual fuck was he doing. Harry simply shrugged, patting his friend on the back before following Lizette out of the bar. The air was cold, but it wasn’t a delightful cold that he wanted to be in. It almost seemed kind of eerie as the gray clouds hovered over them. 

Lizette hugged Harry’s arm. “I’m glad you agreed.” She leaned up to kiss his cheek, but he immediately pulled away, taking his arm out of her hold. 

“You should go home,” he told her. Her mouth opened, but nothing came out as she was confused. “Get a ride home. I’m not taking you home nor am I going with you. I don’t want to do this anymore, Lizette.” 

“But you came with me-”

“That didn’t mean I was saying yes to your offer. I came out here with you to get you off of me and not embarrass me in front of my friend and the entire bar.” Harry’s voice was stern as he crossed his arms. “I know you’ve never really cared about me, so please just do me a favor and leave. I’m happier now-”

“You’re happier? With some other girl, huh?” Harry nodded and Lizette rolled her eyes, expression annoyed as she was beginning to get angry and defensive. “You think she cares? Guess what, Harry, she doesn’t. She’s gonna leave you just like your mom left you, your ex-girlfriend left you. Remember when she fucked your best friend in college? That she left you to be with him? And look at them now, they’re married! They don’t give a single fuck about you! What makes you think that this girl you’re seeing does?” 

Lizette had definitely hit a nerve. Harry had gone four years without hearing the story on how his ex left him for one of his friends from uni. The situation was quite sad, and it left Harry in pieces. Not to mention, Lizette was his ex’s best friend and she somehow seduced him into regularly having sex with her, which wasn’t entirely her fault because Harry was lonely and needed to feel something to fill the void of his loneliness. 

“Don’t think you’re so easy to love, Harry. It takes a lot of effort to do that, especially with you. You’re gonna continue being scared and closed off, and people are gonna continue to run away-”

“Harry?” Lizette was suddenly interrupted by you. You were walking to the bar because Benny had invited you, thinking that it would’ve been a nice surprise for Harry and to hang out with just the three of you. But you had seen Harry and some woman on the street and his face looked angry. “Uh, hi.” 

You turned towards the unknown woman as she looked you up and down before turning towards Harry, raising her brows as she figured out who you were and who Harry had been spending so much time with. 

Harry completely blocked you out, his attention was towards the statements Lizette had made. He had been doing so much better, and all of a sudden the relapse hit him ten times harder, like his accomplishment of being okay with himself completely disappeared. 

 Was he that hard to love? He knew that he pushed people away, that’s for sure, but he didn’t realize that it was difficult to love him. Harry then thought about the people that had left him because they didn’t love him enough to stay. His ex left him for his friend, it seemed like his mum had forgotten about him, and soon enough, Benny was gonna get tired of him and so were you. 

“And you are?” You asked, scowling at the woman in front of you. Lizette smirked, seeing as there was an opportunity right in front of her. She didn’t find you 

intimidating whatsoever. 

“Oh, guess Harry didn’t tell you, but we’ve been sleeping with each other for years. Friends with benefits, if you will,” Lizette answered with some sass and a snarl to her tone as she watched your expression turn into a hurtful one. 

Your face had softened as your eyes welled up with tears, but you didn’t dare let them fall. You looked at Harry and it seemed like he was in his head, but you had no clue he was ‘seeing someone.’ It felt like you had been cheated on, even though going out as friends didn’t mean anything to a fuck buddy. All of the moments you spent with him—the laughs, storytelling, training, and tension-filled moments had connected you both to one another. It made you feel special that you were seeing a side of Harry that no one else had, but you were wrong. 

“Guess you’re the new girl he’s seeing?” 

“What’s it to you?” Your brows knitted. 

Lizette shrugged. “Nothing. Just know that Harry’s difficult and loveless. So, just get out while you can.” She reached over to touch your shoulder, but you quickly stepped back before she could. She was talking as if Harry wasn’t right next to you two, and if this was a ‘women looking out for women’ type of situation, you weren’t going to accept it because she outright just insulted Harry. 

You were livid as your eyes turned dark, stepping closer to her. “Stay away from him, or I swear to god-”

“Or what? What are you gonna do?” Lizette challenged, stepping closer. She was slightly taller than you since she wore four-inch leather boots.

“Wanna find out? Next time I see you with him or hear you talk shit about him again, then you’ll find out because I can guarantee you’ll never see the light of day.” You held eye contact with her as she looked at you with such fierce emotion. 

“Cute. Harry’s got a little bodyguard,” she scoffed, stepping back. “I should go,” Lizette suddenly said, breaking you out of your heartbreaking thoughts. “I’ll call you,” she told Harry, despite what you had just said. It seemed like he wasn’t even listening as his blank stare was trained onto the ground. She walked away, her heels clicking against the cement. The satisfaction she felt right now felt good, knowing her words had definitely affected you both. 

When Lizette was far enough, you turned back towards Harry. This time, he was looking at you in a confused state, and it didn’t seem like him. 

“I-I didn’t know you were seeing someone-”

“You should go…” he said straightforwardly. You raised your brows as you were taken back. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“You should leave. For good. Get out of my life while you can. I promise I won’t get mad.” His voice cracked and was shaky. He couldn’t even look you in the eye while he was talking because he knew that would break his heart even more, especially if you were to actually leave for good. The negative thoughts had taken over, and this was what he did—pushing people away and giving them a way out before they realized that Harry wasn’t a lovable or worthy enough person to stay around for. 

“What makes you think I’m going anywhere?” You questioned confusingly. You wondered if he even thought about the conversation you two had a few moments ago when you had told him that you were staying for good. 

“They all do, anyway. They all leave and they never come back.” His voice was starting to raise slightly, frustration and anger pouring out of his veins as his eyes were starting to tear up. A pout remained on your face as you watched the distress never leave his angelic face. “Just please go.”

“I’m not going anywhere-”

“Why won’t you-”

“Because I care! Why don’t you get that?” You raised your voice, not too loud to startle him, but enough to convey your emotions and frustrations to him. 

“Because you’re going to eventually! You’re gonna leave and use me and never love me. I’m used to it, so you could go now!” Harry was starting to cry, light sobs were coming out of his mouth as he was trying to hold them back. You took a step forward, wanting to comfort him as your heart broke at the sight, but he stepped back, not wanting your touch. 

Your heart sank when he stepped back away from you because he had never done that before. You two were always comfortable with one another that both of your touches had felt like security. Your tears had streamed down your face, quickly wiping them. 

“Harry, I’m not gonna leave…” 

“It’s fine. You don’t know what it’s like for someone to leave and never come back. You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely loveless that someone physically had to get out of your life and not want to be in it anymore. You don’t know what it’s like!” He spoke firmly as he cried, tugging his curly locks in frustration. 

“I don’t know what it’s like?” You spoke loudly, and Harry looked up at you. “I know exactly what it’s like because my own mother left me when I was eleven-years-old, and I have no idea why!” You vented, sniffling. “You don’t think I know what it’s like to constantly wonder what you’re doing wrong because the people that were supposed to be there for you completely vanished? Because I do! I know that feeling quite well. So, don’t tell me I don’t know shit because it seems like we’re in the same boat.” 

Harry was speechless. Sure, you two had been close and had talked about your lives and childhood, but this was something that you two had to dig deep for because it wasn’t something you regularly spoke about nor did you tell new people that you’d just met. 

“I-I’m sorry I had no idea…” 

“You couldn’t have had any idea, Harry. But just know that that day my mom left me still confuses me. The look on my dad’s face when he told me that mom left still haunts me. The crying I did since I was eleven hurts me because she didn’t love me enough to stay.” 

“Y/N…” 

“It’s fine, I get it. I know we’ve known each other for only a few months, but I did not expect this from you, especially because of all that we’d talked about. I’d say I’m the newest person in your life but I’m also the closest, besides Benny. So, don’t shut me out.” Your heart was beating through your chest and all of your emotions began to pile up like they were leaves, falling from the branches of the trees. 

Harry looked defeated, knowing that you were right. He sniffled, not knowing what else to say because all he felt was a painful feeling in his chest since Lizette had gone up to him at the bar. 

When he didn’t say anything, you just nodded, knowing that it was best to give him some space so he could realize that you were here for him and that you weren’t going anywhere. 

“Call me when you wanna talk…” you told him before turning around. Harry watched you—he knew that he should go after you, not be scared and let you in, perhaps tell you that he’s practically in love with you, but he doesn’t move, feet glued to the ground. 

When you were only a few feet away, you turned back around, knowing that you hadn’t gotten your final words out yet. Harry looked up when he heard footsteps approaching him. 

“Fuck whatever people say to you; trying to degrade and bring you down because whatever they say, it’s not true. I will always be there to defend you, Harry. Don’t think I won’t be because I will always be on your side.” You paused for a moment. Your heart was fully opening and was beginning to be vulnerable. Trying not to let it overwhelm you, you continued. “Don’t think you’re not easy to love because you are. You’re extremely easy to love, y’know that? I would know because…I love you. And that’s crazy to say because we’ve only known each other for a short period of time, but I can’t help what I feel. So, there you go.” 

Before Harry was able to say anything, you walked away, and he could hear you sniffling and crying. Harry’s mouth was ajar, completely speechless and shocked, but his heart fluttered as he took in your words. You really loved him, he thought. No one had said those words and really meant them or they hadn’t felt real to him when he heard them, so the shock that he felt was new. 

You were far enough where Harry couldn’t see you. He hadn’t even moved an inch, and he knew that later on, he was going to be very disappointed in himself for not chasing you down and telling you that he loved you too. But for now, he needed to take it all in and hope that when he did tell you, it wouldn’t be too late. 

Taking a deep breath, you walked inside to your apartment, sniffling as you went straight to the bathroom to take a long and hot shower. Before you left your place to go to the bar, you had been contemplating your appearance because you wanted to look good. Nerves were all over your body as you were getting ready, and you sulked at how the events had completely turned tonight around. 

When you were out of the shower and changed, ready to get into bed despite the night only being nine in the evening, your pager beeped. Picking it up off the bedside table, the message was sent from Harry, reading ‘143.’ You raised your brows, reading it again and reading it once more. Your heart was pounding, studying the numbers to make sure you read them right. The simple code for ‘I love you’ was printed on your pager and you wanted to scream. 

Before you could actually scream, there was a knock on your door. You walked quickly, opening it as Harry was standing behind it, holding his pager out as he smiled softly at you. You had just finished crying in the shower, so your eyes were red and a tad bit swollen, but you were close to crying again because of how overwhelmed you felt. 

“Did you mean it?” You asked hesitantly, holding your pager up. 

“Of course I do. Did you mean it?” He retaliated back, wondering if you meant your three words as well. 

“Of course I mean it, Harry. Why wouldn’t I?” You asked, wiping the tear that had slipped down your face. 

“Because I love you. I love you so fuckin’ much that it hurts,” he claimed in one breath, feeling the tension and weight that he held in his shoulders release. “You’re everything to me, and you make my world less frightening. I just see your pretty smile and my day completely turns into a great one. I don’t wanna waste a day not telling you that now, and it feels pretty damn good to say it.”

You slightly nodded until you remembered one of your concerns earlier. “What about Lizette?” 

“Lizette was someone I used to sleep with. I haven’t seen her nor slept with her in months—before I even met you, I promise. And I’m sorry for assuming that you didn’t know what it felt like for someone to leave and that you had to tell me under those circumstances. But just know, that I’m not gonna leave, unless you tell me to, that is.” Every bit of him was opening up and he wasn’t hiding away. He was being completely vulnerable and it had scared him a bit, but when his words came out, he felt himself get better. 

You looked at him through your glassy eyes, vision blurred for a moment until you adjusted them and clearly saw the gorgeous man in front of you. His eyes were filled with tears as well, and you thought, how could someone still look so pretty while they cried? But that was Harry for you; someone who was genuinely beautiful no matter what. Someone who had a heart of gold and a flashing smile that made your heart swoon and knees weak. 

You simply reached your hand out and Harry walked towards you, into your apartment as he came close to your face as your bodies were pressed up against one another. The back of his fingertips gently brushed the side of your face, admiring the beauty that stood before him as he opened his heart up completely, not wanting to go another day without saying those three words back to you. 

The corners of your lips turned up and your tears were replaced by happy ones. You had walked away from Harry after you said I love you because he was looking at you like he had seen a ghost, not a friendly one, but more of a scary one. So, hearing those words were just music to your ears. 

“You mean that? That you love me?” You wanted to hear it again and again and again. 

“Ever word. I love you, angel,” he repeated, adding your nickname. He pressed his forehead against yours, inches away from your lips. 

“Never stop calling me that,” you instructed him, smiling. The first time he had said it, you came to the conclusion that you absolutely loved hearing that name come out of his mouth, especially if it was specifically for you. 

“Only if you never stop telling me that you love me,” he slightly smirked, dimples poking out. He was so immensely happy that his heart could burst just because of the love that he felt for you. 

You giggled. “I love you, baby-” 

“I, uh, wait. Do you mind…not calling me that?” He hesitated, and you raised your brows confused. “Someone else called me that, and I just don’t like hearing it. Never have since it came out of her mouth,” he explained shyly. 

A sudden realization came to your face as you realized that Lizette probably called him that. “Okay. I won’t call you that, ever…darling.” Harry’s lips began to slowly turn up, already liking that name so much better than the other one. He hugged you; and you smiled, closing and opening your eyes to make sure you weren’t dreaming. Your arms snaked around Harry’s waist as he cradled your delicate face in his hands. 

“Never stop calling me that,” he repeated your words as you two smiled and laughed until your jaws started hurting. 

His eyes flickered down to your lips and back up to your eyes. You pursed your lips, blushing as you watched his eyes glance back up and down. You rubbed the tip of your nose against his, pulling him closer; hearts beating in sync as butterflies filled your stomach. 

He brushed his lips against yours before fully connecting them, feeling every spark and shiver that traveled down his spine. You smiled into the kiss as the softness of his lips moved and molded against yours, feeling completely in bliss. The way his lips slotted perfectly with yours made you saturated and dizzy off of his love and touch. Butterflies were still in your stomach, but they were calm like they had been fluttering around for this moment, his touch, in order to relax. 

Pulling back, he smiled down at you, eyes love-struck, before giving you another kiss, and pulling away and kissing you again once more. 

“Kissing you is my new favorite thing,” he stated, drunk off kisses. You breathed out a giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck as you breathed in his scent. You felt his breath against your neck, feeling completely happy and content in each other’s arms. 

There was no fear in the air; just the two of you with open hearts and arms, welcoming in the new and profound feeling that you both took in, knowing that it’s going to change everything for the better. 

You pulled him inside and Harry kicked the door closed with his foot. His arms were holding you tight as you walked back to your bedroom. Opening your mouth slightly, Harry took the chance to meet your tongue with his, swiveling and tasting each other causing a shiver to run down your spine. 

You pulled back when Harry laid down on the bed, taking in the gushy feeling you had as you smiled. 

“Want you,” you simply stated. 

“You have me, angel.” 

“I know, but I want you. Need you,” your eyes pleaded for his touch, to feel him inside of you, for him to make you feel good. You desperately craved for his hands on all of you, his mouth kissing every inch of your skin, and his love passionately pouring out of his veins. 

Harry nodded, smiling. “Need you too. Need you forever,” he said, connecting your lips again as he hovered over you. 

You two kissed for a while, giggling against each other’s lips and having his weight on top of you as your hands roamed his back. You bucked your hips into his, feeling the hard-on that was growing in his pants, which made Harry grind into your center, moaning softly into your mouth. 

“Please do something,” you said, and he nodded, getting off of you before taking his jacket and shirt off swiftly. His tattoos were showcased in front of you and all you wanted to do was kiss every single one of them. “You’re beautiful, Harry,” you complimented, and he blushed, a soft ‘thank you’ came out of his mouth. Next was his pants, and before he was able to take his briefs off, you stopped him, telling him that you wanted to do it. 

You got off the bed, switching positions with him as you were now standing up as Harry laid down on the bed. You smiled, eyes glancing all around his body. He suddenly felt shy and intimidated under your stare, but he knew he had no reason to be because you were simply admiring him. This time around when it came to physically be vulnerable with someone, he knew he didn’t have to worry anymore when it came to you. 

You took off your lilac nightgown, exposing your body to Harry’s eyes. Your nipples had hardened due to the exposure to the cold. His eyes glimmered as he gazed at your stunning and beautiful body. Every curve and inch was something he tried to remember, and he was quite speechless at the sight. He reached out, gently grabbing your hips as he roamed his hands up your body and to your breasts, grabbing both in each of his hands. 

He looked up at you and you smiled down at him as he placed his mouth on your left pebbled nipple, sucking and licking it as his hand fondled with the other. You laced your fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp as he did so, switching over to your right nipple. 

Harry pulled away, looking at you. “You’re an actual angel. You’re so beautiful.” 

“Harry…” you blushed. 

“You are, angel. So beautiful. Can’t believe I get to see you like this.” He kissed the valley of your breasts and down your stomach before getting up and pushing you down onto the bed with ease. He settled in between your legs, arms hooked under your thighs. 

Continuing kissing down your stomach, he reached the hem of your underwear, looking up at you before asking, “Can I take these off? Wanna make you feel good—the same way you always make me feel good.” 

“Please. Take them off. Wanna feel your mouth on me,” you pleaded as your arousal heightened. You wrapped your legs around his back, eagerly pulling his head towards your center, making Harry let out a chuckle. 

“Easy, angel. Not going anywhere.” Harry kissed your stomach once more before pulling off your beige underwear. You were glistening below him; you made a complete mess in your panties. “Fuck, you’re so wet. This all for me?” 

“Mhm. All for you, Harry, please,” you whispered impatiently. Harry’s dirty talk had only increased your need for him as it was quite surprising to see this side of him since he was more on the shy and reserved side outside, but nonetheless, you loved both sides—you loved him. 

Harry leaned down, pressing multiple kisses to your inner thighs, nibbling on the skin gently. You bucked your hips as he trailed his kisses towards your pussy that was eagerly waiting to be touched and licked. When he got there, he pressed a kiss to your clit before kitten-licking your sensitive button, making you softly moan. 

His tongue licked into the entrance of your pussy, gathering your arousal on the tip of his tongue to lubricate your clit even more. 

“Fuck,” you groaned as your hands found his curly locks, tugging at them gently. 

“You could do that harder, I don’t mind it,” Harry told you before going back to eating you out. You pulled harder and Harry deeply groaned against you, sending vibrations up your body. 

His hands wandered around your body, feeling the softness of your skin against his hands. Your skin had formed goosebumps due to his touch, and Harry smoothed out your skin so you were warm. He sucked on your clit quite harshly, earning a moan of his name from your lips as he grabbed both of your tits in his hands, squeezing them. 

You placed your hands on top of his, squeezing them with him, and Harry almost came at the sight of that. There you were, moaning his name out, getting your pussy eaten, and squeezing your tits on top of his hands. A sight he truly was lucky enough to see. 

Harry pulled one hand away to rub your clit as he tongued around your wet hole before tongue fucking you. He rubbed your clit at a moderate speed, enough for you to thrust your hips off the bed. Harry pulled his other hand that was still on one of your breasts away to pin your hips down onto the bed. 

“Stay still for me, angel,” he instructed, voice deep that made you even wetter. “You taste so good. Could eat you out all day.” 

“Harry…” you trailed, whining desperately for your release. “W-Wanna…cum…need to.” Your sentences were broken and Harry thought that was a good sign, knowing that he was doing so well you couldn’t form a proper sentence. 

“Tell me what you need. Let me know, so I can get you there.” 

“F-Fingers,” you told him, and he immediately brought his fingers to your clit, rubbing it before inserting two fingers inside your pussy. He thrust slowly, curling his fingers up to feel your walls.

He felt you pulsing around him as your legs were wrapped tightly around his back as you screamed his name over and over again. 

“C’mon, love. Give me one,” he encouraged, thrusting his fingers a bit faster. 

Once he hit the spot over and over again, you saw stars. Your vision had gone white for a few seconds, and you felt dizzy. The pleasure that ran through your body was overwhelming in the best way possible and you choked out a few sobs. It had hit you like a brick that you saw coming, but you were still surprised and shocked by the impact. 

Your hands held Harry’s hair tight that he thought for a moment that you might actually rip it off. Harry rubbed your pussy as you came down from your high, licking your orgasm that was seeping through your cunt, taking every drop of it. He looked up to see your head thrown back, chest heaving, and a vein that was bulging against your skin. He kissed your thighs while his other hand trailed across your body. 

When you finally were able to catch your breath, Harry kissed up your body, leaving the softest and loving kisses to your skin as you were quite sensitive. You grabbed his face, bringing his lips to yours as you immediately stuck your tongue in his mouth, swirling it with his to taste yourself on him—a mixture of his taste and your orgasm all on his tongue had made you wetter. 

Harry was grinding himself against your leg, trying to relieve some pressure. 

“Want you,” you told him once he pulled away, looking at him intently. 

“You sure?” 

“Absolutely. Please? Only if you want to-”

“I definitely want to. Just wanna make sure you were sure,” he breathed out a chuckle. 

“Course I want to.” There was a bit of silence between you two as you were simply just admiring him as he hovered over you. “Are you gonna fuck me, Harry?” You broke the silence, and Harry broke out of his trance, shyly giggling before getting off the bed. 

He peeled away his briefs, cock standing straight up from the slight painful restraint. He was big—girth and length wise, and you felt your mouth salivating from just looking at him. He got back on the bed, in between your legs as he sat on his knees. Spitting on his hand, he grabbed a hold of his dick, stroking it to relieve the pressure. The view was beautiful in every single way possible, and you didn’t dare to bat an eye because you didn’t want to miss one second of it. 

Wanting to take over for him, you reached forward, replacing his hand with yours as you slowly stroked his cock for him. Harry had a smug smile on his face but soon changed into a face of pure pleasure as your hand worked against him. His mouth was open as he let out a soft moan, looking down at your eyes as you were looking up, completely loving his reaction to your touch. 

“You’re so pretty, Harry,” you complimented as you continued to touch him. Your other hand reached forward to fondle with his balls, rolling them into your hand as Harry whimpered. “Love seeing you like this. Most gorgeous man I’ve seen in my life.” 

“Please, angel, you’re being too nice…” he managed to groan out, hands gripping your thighs. 

“But it’s true. Look so pretty when you’re like this, but also when you’re hitting the heavy bags. When we go out to eat and you mindlessly drink your entire drink while waiting for the food. But I think you’ll look extra pretty than you already are if you cum.” Your words of declaration were getting him on the edge as you stroke him. The way your voice slightly changed as you looked up at him with the most innocent eyes made him thrust into your hand, gripping the flesh of your skin as he threw his head back. 

“You think so?” 

“Mhm. Gonna be so pretty when you cum all over my body, my tits. Can you do that? For me, can you do that? Please?” You were completely begging for it, but even with all the begging, he knew that you had all the control right now. 

Your feet rubbed his calves up and down, and it was the simplest touch, but it heightened Harry’s need to let go. 

“Wanna cum for you, yeah.” His breaths were heavy and harsh as your touch was focused on his tip, wrapping your delicate hands around the head where he was most sensitive. 

Harry’s moans stuttered as a series of profanities slipped from his lips, spilling onto your stomach and breasts. You smiled to yourself as you studied his face when he came undone; his mouth was open, occasionally biting his lip, and eyes shut closed as his head was thrown back—he was the most beautiful person you’d ever seen, and the fact that you got to see him like this was an honor. 

When he came down from his high, he slowly opened his eyes, meeting yours, staring right at him. You smirked, body covered in his orgasm, and he thought that was a picture worth taking. You were gorgeous covered in his pleasure that you caused, and you seemed to love it too since you made no effort to wipe it off. 

Boldly, he leaned down, dragging his tongue from your stomach to your tit, spending the most time on your breasts as he nibbled and licked your nipples, collecting his orgasm from your skin and held it on the tip of his tongue until he reached your mouth. You willingly opened your mouth as his tongue delved right in, feeding you his cum. 

You two passionately kissed, tasting him ever so sensually. You moaned into his mouth, thinking about how the sight of Harry licking his orgasm off of your body was the sexiest thing you’d ever seen. With your hips jerking up, you felt yourself getting wet again and in need to release once more. 

You whimpered, pulling away. “Please. Need you so bad.” Harry nodded, agreeing. 

“Condom?” He asked, and you immediately reached over to your bedside table, ripping open the condom before rolling it onto his dick that was still hard. 

Harry curled in his lips, watching you. You gave him a few extra strokes for good measure, earning a soft moan from his mouth. He took his length in his hand, running the tip up and down your slit, collecting your arousal and lubricating his cock. He gave you one last look and you nodded before he slowly pushed in, indulging in your wetness and softness. 

A moan came out of both of your mouths, feeling completely full and warm for one another with the stretch Harry had on you. He planted his elbows on both sides of you, holding himself up over you as he slowly began to thrust. 

“Fuck,” he groaned. “Feel so good for me.” He placed a kiss on your lips as he whispered. He found a rhythm as he started to move faster, rocking his hips against yours, making you moan. 

It was a feeling like no other, and it was the amount of love you two had for one another that made this experience much more special. Love was practically oozing out of both of your veins, filling the room to its maximum capacity as the both of you moaned out in pleasure. 

You wrapped your legs around his waist and your arms looped around his back, hugging him closer to you as if he couldn’t get closer. You whined into his ear, the sounds of your pleasure were music to his eyes, sending a shiver down his body, making him jerk. But that jolt had hit your g-spot, and you screamed out in ecstasy. 

“Right there. Keep doing that. Keep fucking me,” you managed to say. Harry maintained his pace, going deeper, and fucking you into oblivion as you kept crying and screaming his name out. 

Harry’s lips attached to your neck, nibbling and licking your skin, leaving a few decent size love bites that he was sure to admire when they’d fully formed. Your nails had raked down his back, leaving a burning but pleasurable sting down his skin, letting him know that he was doing an amazing job. 

“You like that?” He groaned into your ear, leaving chills rising onto your skin. 

“Mhm. Just like that. Don’t stop. I-I’m so close.” You threw your head back into the pillows, and Harry took the opportunity to attack your exposed neck with kisses again. Your hands found Harry’s hair, tugging at his curls as he kissed you. That encouraged him to fuck you harder and faster, repeatedly hitting your special spot. “O-Oh…” 

“Come on, angel love. Cum for me, please. Wanna see you make a mess around me,” he encouraged you. 

With a few more thrusts, you were done. You had fully and completely released around him as your orgasm hit you like a ton of bricks. Your vision had gone white for a few seconds, head dizzy, and your breaths were caught in your throat as your hips involuntarily jolted, meeting his thrusts that were fucking you through your high. 

Harry started to thrust sloppily, burying his face in your neck as he spilled into the condom. His hot breath was against your skin as he started to slow down, coming down from his orgasm. 

The room was silent as the only sounds present were the heavy breaths and the post-orgasmic whimpers coming from your mouth as you two held one another. Your nails gently scratched down his back, contrasting to the desperate and needy scratches that you had given him just a few minutes ago. 

Harry lifted his head up, meeting your eyes before connecting his lips against yours, tongue meeting first before your lips moved in sync so passionately and lovingly that you both unspokenly agreed to never taste another pair of lips again. 

“I love you so much,” Harry said, resting his chin on your chest. 

You smiled down at him, eyes gleaming as you looked at your love, your entire heart, the man that had stolen your breath and heart just by one look. 

“And I love you too.” 

Waking up to the warmth of the body next to you was your favorite thing in the morning—had been for six months now. The sight next to you was something you wouldn’t get used to as you always found yourself feeling so lucky every single time you woke up next to him. 

But a pout formed onto your face when you saw that the space next to you was empty. The crinkled yellow sheets were left, missing a certain person that you had been excited to see this morning since you closed your eyes the night prior. 

Turning over to your bedside table, you grabbed your pager, seeing if you had any messages, and one specifically stood out to you, making you sleepily smile at your pager. 

“Goodmorning, angel,” Harry greeted as he stood in the doorway of your bedroom. He was wearing a gray sweatsuit, holding a white paper bag in one hand and a smoothie tray, that held two smoothies, in the other hand with a loving smile plastered on his face, making his dimples poke out. 

“Mm. Hi, darling.” Your arms reached forward, gesturing him to come to you, and he gladly did, situating himself on your body as you wrapped your arms around him. 

You two stayed like that for a moment, basking in the presence and gratitude of one another. It was nice until your stomach started growling, making Harry chuckle. 

“C’mon, gotta feed my girl before we head to the gym.” He got off of you, helping you up and out of the bed before helping you make the bed. He walked over to the kitchen before you went to the restroom, and when you walked out, Harry had your breakfast set on a plate. 

You two made light conversation, mostly enjoying the silence and tastiness of the food before you got ready to go to the gym. 

When you walked into Don’s Box, you were immediately greeted by a few of the members, giving you high fives, as well as saying hi to Harry. The entire gym had found out you two were together when they started to notice Harry coming into the gym almost every day and staying until the gym closed, so a few people had their speculations. Don was certain you two would get together from the very beginning, and he had told you that the only reason he was trying to act intimidating when Harry first walked in was that he sensed that something would happen, and he was right, something did happen. 

Benny was ecstatic; jokingly telling Harry that he could now spend time with his wife since you had taken all of Harry’s time now, which Benny earned a push from Harry towards the ropes of the ring. Benny’s wife was also pregnant and wanted Harry to be the godfather, which Harry immediately took on that responsibility and role. But that also meant since you and Harry were planning on staying together for the long run, you were becoming a godmother as well, which you were very excited about. 

You climbed up into the ring as Harry followed. You had a day off, and no one needed your attention other than Harry, so you helped him put on his gloves after you wrapped his hands in tape, and you put on your mitts, making sure they were tight before clapping the mitts together—Harry punched his gloves together, making sure they were comfortable. 

You raised your brows at him teasingly. “Ready, darling?” 

“Ready as always, my angel,” he responded, and you smirked. 

“Give me a good one. Give me 1.” 

talk to me about your favorite moments, your thoughts and feelings about this pls! thank you for reading <3

[whysojiminimnida]

Hi, it’s me again, it honestly feels like I’m stalking you :(, but your anons bring up really good points in conversation, and I wanted to provide some perspective on the use of the word queer and bi-gender.

I think what’s important to consider during this discussion is the reclaiming of words, queer can be pejorative depending on the context, and it causes a bevy of unpleasant emotions when used in a derogatory way. Queer in the past used to represent abnormality, it was a means to justify the mistreatment and unfairness that we received just because we identified a certain way, or because of the people we choose to love, as if we were unworthy of that because of our identification.

The use reclamation of the word queer is not necessarily a new, it actually dates back to the stonewall riots where the saying “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” was formed, as a way to tell people that they could no longer marginalize us, it was a very big F you to people. And while the history of queer is not only complicated and can bring painful memories and validated hurt, queer now is used as an inclusive term for the wide range of spectrum of identities that live within the LGBTQIA+ community. Instead of having to label yourself in various different identities, queer now gives us a chance to be whomever we want to be without having to label ourselves, it’s an umbrella term. QUEER also happens to be gender neutral, it allows us to also acknowledge identities left out in “LGBT”, (this was before we became more accepting and welcoming of other identities) & most importantly, it allows us to include members of the community from cultures that express non-heterosexual, non-cisgender identities with different words and customs. (Taken from an article)

Having discussion of how people identity is uncomfortable but it is important to have these conversations so that we may grow, learn, and progress, so that we can create safe spaces for people within our community. Which is why I want to mention my own experience, because I can’t talk about anyone else’s, I only know my own, but I hope it helps in providing a perspective. My labels of identification are Bisexual, Non-binary & my pronouns are they/them, but I go by Queer. I have always felt like I was forced to identify to how I presented, my personality is very different and I was often told that I didn’t act how I looked “the inner and outer isn’t matching, Arabella”. I tried to explore both genders to see which one I felt more comfortable in, and neither felt right to me, I drove myself into alienation because I felt like I couldn’t find my place in the world and thus, how could I relate to the other people in my community if I didn’t know who I was. It wasn’t until I came up on the word Winkte of the Lakota people, of two individual spirits that co-existed within a person. You didn’t have to choose to be one or the other, you also didn’t have to lessen one to make the other bigger, they just lived in perfect harmony. As I started exploring more of what that meant I realized that that represented me, I felt like I finally knew who I was, and I didn’t need to choose one or the other, I could just be me regardless of my personality, regardless of how I physically presented, and thus my identification of Non-binary began. But because I still identified romantically as Bisexual, I didn’t want to just fit myself into those two boxes, and as I learned more about the word queer, it helped me understand the inclusivity of the word.

How you present vs how you feel is your own journey of identity, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that presenting a way does not confirm someone’s identity. And I know this may come off as mean and I truly do not mean it to sound that way, but we need to grow from these outdated views IF we want to keep progressing and supporting members of our community, if we don’t, how are we better than the people who tried to alienate us because they didn’t accept us?. You don’t have to understand what bi-gender means, you don’t even have to personally like it, but we sure as hell better respect it. Our spectrums is wide and large and filled with beautiful colors. Let’s work together to keep those colors bright and let’s look forward to more colors joining our community. 🥰

@arabellafella has good stuff to say so I'm just gonna hit the "read this they're cool" button. :)

[wasflypaw]

people act as if victim blaming is just "c!Tommy deserved what happened to him" when its actually that and "They're both toxic" "c!Tommy brings out the worst in c!Dream" "c!Tommy just kept provoking him, of course he lashed out!!" "c!Tommy drove c!Dream to villainy by using his attachments against him"

I feel like we need to talk about this

Here's a list of victim blamey takes that are not only Not true in the slightest but are also uncomfortable as hell!

The most obvious ones:

*c!Tommy deserved it

*c!Tommy had it coming

The less obvious ones:

*c!Tommy made c!Dream snap/give up his attachments (Threatening Spirit) - This blames c!Tommy for c!Dream's worsening villain arc despite exile happening THAT day

*c!Dream was just trying to punish c!Tommy (George's house) - Ignores the context that exile was premeditated, blames c!Tommy for exile

*c!Dream was trying to negotiate peacefully, c!Tommy shouldve just listened - one, he wasnt and two, "c!Tommy shouldve listened to the guy trying to remove him from his home"

*c!Tommy deserved exile but not what happened in it - you Cannot separate exile from what happened in it as exile was planned out specifically to isolate c!Tommy

*Exile was part of c!Dream's goal / c!Tommy was an obstacle in c!Dream's way of a big happy family - frames c!Tommy as more of a burden than a person, paints him as a lot more of an issue than he actually was, and uh. Implies that c!Tommy, in order to be part of a big happy family,,, had to be beaten down, changed and conditioned?

*c!Dream had good intentions - There are no good intentions behind conditioning and abusing a kid

*There was no physical abuse during exile, only manipulation - Downplays exile as "only" emotional abuse and ignores the fact that c!Dream would hit c!Tommy (canonically, c!Tommy would shout in pain or say he's hurt) to give up his items

*c!Tommy punched first - Frames c!Tommy being beaten to death by his abuser as a fist fight gone wrong, c!Dream didnt want to (he did)

*The Cat - c!Dream did not snap because of the cat. c!Dream killed him because they were arguing about the revive book

*c!Dream was trying not to hurt c!Tommy, c!Tommy just "pulled on the lions ears too much" - c!Dream had FULL intent to kill c!Tommy, c!Tommy told him he was low on hearts, c!Tommy did NOT punch back for an entire minute before he died, and c!Dream said "why don't you see him then" (referring to c!Schlatt)

*c!Tommy and c!Dream are toxic for eachother/c!Tommy brings out the worst in c!Dream - overexaggerates c!Tommy's actions towards c!Dream, downplays c!Dream's actions towards c!Tommy, places partial blame on c!Tommy for c!Dream's actions towards him

*c!Dream just wanted a peaceful server / c!Tommy came and ruined it - Blatantly not true, again blames c!Tommy for making c!Dream snap, removes the context of c!Dream being the one to encourage and provoke c!Tommy to do said things

Oh boy you think its JUST c!Tommy? Nope!

*c!Dream Had to declare war / c!Wilbur was gonna be a dictator / The L'Manbergians were colonisers - Buzzwords! also frames c!Dream willingly declaring war and having to kill them as the L'Manbergians fault, despite the L'Manbergians dying horrifically in a trap made specifically to kill them

*c!Wilbur manipulated c!Dream - c!Dream was not manipulated by c!Wilbur, he has All the power in their relationship, and c!Wilbur was one of the people literally murdered in the war. It's very uncomfortable, the whole idea of c!Wilbur making c!Dream a villain completely removes c!Wilbur's trauma at c!Dream's hands to force him into the role of a scapegoat for his actions

-The L'Manberg war was a necessary evil

*c!Dream was desperate, killing Ghostbur was an act that couldve benefitted him - Frames Ghostbur as some sort of tool to discard, not a sentient being with friends, family, thoughts and feelings. Still murder

*c!Sapnap left his spiralling friend - c!Sapnap had been repeatedly hurt by him and his decision to turn away from him (NOT caused by L'Manberg or c!Wilbur splitting them apart, which again downplays the effect c!Dream's own actions have and deflects blame) was not a bad thing

A LOT of c!Dream apologism deflects blame from c!Dream's actions (usually onto c!Wilbur or c!Tommy) and the people who get said blame are people that c!Dream has hurt. When I say c!Dream apologists victim blame I dont mean just the obvious "c!Tommy deserved it" or whatever

Look at what you're writing - does it imply that c!Tommy brought what happened on him on himself? (This includes blaming him for the exile that was canonically premeditated) Does it imply that something c!Tommy did made c!Dream snap/caused c!Dream to be how he is? Does it imply that if c!Tommy hadnt done X, c!Dream wouldnt have isolated and hurt him? If it implies c!Tommy made c!Dream snap, is it critical of c!Tommy rather than c!Dream for snapping and responding in horrific ways? Does it overexaggerate c!Tommy's personality (making him seem uniquely annoying/chaotic, acting like he's too out of control to handle) to make it sound like c!Dream had no choice? Is it true to canon? (The answer is almost always no to that one) If so uhhh I cant stop you from posting it but I sure as hell will block you. Victim blaming is anywhere from blaming him 1% to blaming him 100% for what happened to him