#and while I haven't let it all go I've still made progress understanding myself

[chorus-the-mutate]

If I had a nickel for every time Jesus Christ himself gave me a media induced character arc right around Easter I'd have two nickels and no idea why I had either nickel in the first place

[loquaciousquark]

DAI Update

I haven't forgotten Tav's BG3 playthrough (I have the pictures put together, just need to assemble the posts), but now that I've gotten through the first Solas romance scene, I felt the need to share some DAI screenshots to mark my progress.

This is Adahla Lavellan, electricity/spirit mage. She likes history and religious study and puzzles and, much to my chagrin, Solas.

She's got the vallaslin of Dirthamen (secrets, knowledge) and a hunger to understand the roots of major historical & legendary events. I'm still learning her as I play, but so far I know she's very self-assured and has almost no regrets; once she commits to a path, she lets go of wondering what else might have been and completely focuses on the decisions still ahead.

I've been trying to lean into the spy stuff mentioned in the prologue & in her codex. I know she was a foundling left with the clan at birth by non-elves, and she has a fascination with other cultures and especially with the various theologies scattered across Thedas. (I'm pretty sure she devoured every Genitivi text she could find growing up.)

While she does worship the elven gods, she doesn't disbelieve in any of the others; rather, she's deeply curious about finding ways where the elvhenan tradition and Andrastian tradition can both be true, or where the legends of the Old Gods and Tyrdda Bright-Axe might have overlapped at their religious root.

Her familiarity with these cultures made her the most suitable to represent the Lavellan clan at the Conclave. The mark is more of an exciting mystery to her than a painful burden, and though she does believe in the diplomatic efforts of the Inquisition and is firmly comfortable in her place leading the charge against Corypheus (since he wants to kill specifically her), she's secretly most invested in the Inquisition's acquisition of ancient texts, access to libraries, and uncovering of secrets. For her, "Inquisitor" is a decidedly literal title.

Romance stuff under the cut.

I was very unsure of how the Solas romance would go with a character like her. As @silksieve said, I'm coming at the romance from the wrong end; I already know who Solas is and yet know literally zero of the romance structure. I needed to create a character who could survive a heartbreak, and I think I've done that, but I'm fascinated to see how the intermediary beats shake out.

However, the romance ended up sparking naturally due to lovely happenstance. I've been keeping Solas in the party almost constantly so I can learn to like him, which meant he was present as I worked through all the astrariums and ocularums in the Hinterlands, the Storm Coast, and most of the Emerald Graves. (Yes, even here, I'm still a completionist.) This led to a nice bit of headcanon that Adahla & Solas worked through a lot of the star puzzles together, which meant that later in the Graves, when I stumbled upon one without Solas in the party, Adahla & I both had a moment of seriously missing him and wishing he was there.

It felt natural, therefore, to examine (logically and methodically) why she was missing him so much, and after bringing him a copy of the unsolved map so she could watch him solve it and judge the number of tries it took him, I think she realized she was growing interested in more than his stories of Fade wanderings and legends out of time.

Considering this whole relationship started with him being grabby and rude while she felt like death, I'm amazed they've gotten this far. She may not have always liked him, but she has always respected him, and I the player was surprised at how smooth the change in her opinion felt.

Also as a player, I'm still a bit unsure of Solas myself. I like the deep wealth of history and knowledge he provides, but there's a...a sort of rigid pride to him that I personally still find off-putting. As I mentioned on stream, I'm going to need to see some chinks in the armor to really buy into the romance in any major way. Plus, he's just so...blandly designed! I dunno. Bald, beige, and a boring dresser? I know this is a me thing, but dang, seeing the concept art with dreads...well, a girl can dream.

Adahla, however, is having a great time. Once she decides on something, she commits with her whole heart, and now that he's admitted to being thrown off-balance during the Fade scene, she's made it her mission to keep him on that back foot as long as possible. I again have no idea how the romance plays out, and please God don't spoil me, but she & I are both hopeful that she'll keep him guessing through the end.

In terms of gameplay, I've about finished the Hinterlands, the Storm Coast, the Emerald Graves, and the Forbidden Oasis. I plan to do Wicked Eyes & Wicked Hearts (or whatever it's called) next, followed by Crestwood, and then will keep working through the maps one by one. The level gating isn't quite as bad as I remember, though still annoying, and my few QoL mods have shaved off the worst of the gameplay irritants (thank you @bettydice!).

All in all, I'm having a really good time! Like I said, I'm still a little doubtful about Solas myself, but the character concept coming into shape for Adahla feels sound, and I think she's resilient enough to weather some of the revelations that Priory wasn't. I'm excited to keep going and find out! :)

Also, my girl, because I still love her best:

[v3ros]

I got this ask on my alt (most likely since I turned off asks for this blog) but I felt like it was important to answer here.

Dayshift at Corny's is NOT dead!

"But V3ROS," I hear you saying, "You haven't posted about it in a while, and your blog isn't Corny's themed anymore!" And in response I say shuddup and sit down ya slimey little creechurs because Papa Veros has got some shit to explain!

Firstly, clearing the air.

Dayshift at Corny's isn't going anywhere. I absolutely adore all of the characters and the little world I've built for them, and I still wish to share that world with whoever is willing to listen to the inane ramblings of a zombie-obsessed sock. I don't plan on scrapping the project anytime soon.

Where did it go then?

I would say that the production DSaC is on a temporary hiatus. Currently, I have a lot of stuffs that's weighing on me. I'm not going to go into detail because it's not the internet's business, but I've been trying my hardest to refocus my ever-shrinking attention span back on the project, because I really do want to keep working on it!

On a more positive note, one of the reasons it's sort of... poofed is that I'm trying to adapt to using RPG Maker MV, the software that DSaF and Dialtown were made in! However, from where I see things right now, I don't think DSaC will be made in RPG Maker. It's not as intuitive with visual novel mechanics (and one might say "well duh Veros, you need the plugins" and to that I say shooosh and let me keep explaining). DSaC is a VN-focused game, first and foremost. That is the means in which the world of Corny's will be conveyed, and that is the way I feel it should stay. With that in mind, it doesn't make much sense to spend time learning a new software to achieve what I was already doing in something that's easier for me to understand and that has much less setup. That whole escapade was a perfect example of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

When will it be coming back?

With November coming up very soon, Halloween will have passed and I'll have finished working on my costume. This means I'll have much more energy and patience to dedicate to development (or, hyping myself up to do so at the very least). My goal is that I'll have an update on the progress for you all come the end of November!

Now, I feel I've answered all of the important things, however there's some smaller Q&As I thought of that I'll answer below.

"Why are your asks closed / Will you ever respond to the ask I sent in?"

I closed the asks because there were so many of them, I was quite overwhelmed--mind you that this is the first project of mine that has received any attention at all, it was quite jarring (in a good way). I've seen your asks though, don't worry! I'm going to answer every last one of them, and once I do my asks box will open once again.

"Why is your blog no longer Corny's themed?"

It all started because of Salem's bald head. I'm being serious, him being bald on the banner long after I had given him hair pissed me off so much that I said "to hell with it" and changed it. The image of Godred was the first one I had readily available. That's the only reason he's my banner. Yup. As for the sock, that's my persona. I had been planning on changing my profile photo to a drawing of it for a while. The current one is a spooky rendition for spooky month :> I still plan on following the same format for answering asks as I did before.

A final thought before departure, thank you for whoever sent this ask in (I have a feeling who it is, however it's just a hunch). Having a question that blunt asked to me seemed to unclog whatever blockage my brain had built up that prevented me from thinking about working on DSaC. I can feel the creative juices flowing. Let that be a warning of you all seeing more from me very soon. Until then, I shall retreat back to my cozy dumpster and continue mashing my face into the keyboard until a game comes out.

[innocence-wont-save-you]

[An overseer is ‘sitting’ next to the scavenger as they look at Innocence’s sleeping form.]

Hey bud, isn’t it kinda weird our friend is uh… still sleeping? Like, we should be moving out by now. I mean I know we’ve been waiting for like, six minutes, but it feels like a month! And yeah, I know you don’t understand me.

(OOC: Heyyyy so uh, sorry if it’s rude but I didn’t see a place to submit an ask on the website so I’m asking here. Is this blog ever going to be updated in the near future? If not, do you plan to still continue it or is like, irl stuff putting weight in your shoulders? I wanna join the disc and ask questions but stupid anxiety is making me not do it. If you’re still working on it or left the project, don’t feel pressured to continue, it would be selfish of me to ask that of you.

tl;dr: I kinda just want an update on the current situation Innocence Won’t Save You is in.)

OOC: YES HI HELLO I'M STILL ALIVE THANK YOU FOR ASKING ACTUALLY

Short answer: Yes there's. Shit going on in my life. Mostly school work; this has been one of my busiest quarters so far and I'm constantly swamped with work and haven't had the free time to really sit with IWSY and work out what I want/need to do.

Longer answer: Yes there is currently no way to submit on the website I am so sorry. When I said this would move off Tumblr I meant it and I was finding ways to do that, but I kept hitting roadblocks because I started learning web dev Solely for IWSY. Ultimately my progress on the javascript tutorial stalled (due to aforementioned busyness) and other people let me know that Neocities isn't... the best place to host comments locally? So that threw a wrench into the plans.

I've admittedly not written much for IWSY in the time since I announced we'd be migrating off Tumblr. In hindsight I kind of wish I'd waited a little, but I think this quarter would have done this to me regardless of if I'd wanted to migrate or not. However, I still want to work on IWSY. This project is NOT abandoned. I'm just very busy :'D in a good way though! After a bit of a rough spell, my life right now is, without exaggeration, the best it's ever been, and aside from just plain being busy, I'm also trying to enjoy being alive for once. Unfortunately it means things have been and will continue to be very, very slow here for the foreseeable future.

But I do have a small update. I gave up on trying to code comments locally, and instead found an open source commenting plugin called Isso that I'm hoping to install on the website. Actually doing so will require time I don't currently have since I. Uh. Don't know python. But if all goes well, I will have that set up at some point, and then I can get started on scene 14. I can't guarantee anything on that while this quarter is still going on unfortunately, but I will promise you all that once my summer break starts (which is in June since my school runs on a quarter system), I'll put more time and effort into this again.

If you'd like to help get the comments set up I would deeply appreciate it, but again I don't think I can see myself writing any long form creative fiction until I have the time to dedicate my mind to it, especially given what IWSY is. I'm really sorry about that, but I'm glad to hear that you're still interested in this story! So sorry about the radio silence, I really should have updated a few times since the last post I made, but thank you again for asking and reminding me to at least say something.

So TLDR, no the story isn't dead, I'm just hella busy and trying to appreciate life.

[tankbredgrunt]

End of year wrap-ups, 2023

It's presently June while I start to write this, and I thought if I wanted to put together a list of media consumed over 2023 I could at least get an early start, for as much my sake of mindfulness and talking about the things I loved/hated. If you're interested too, you can read more; first is video games, then music, then movies and tv, then books. If you feel like talking about anything in here don't hesitate! This is going to be a nightmare to tag though so, I probably won't lmao.

Nothing is necessarily ranked in order either btw, and just because I didn't write any thoughts with something doesn't mean I disliked it. Just no thoughts you know? I could have thoughts though. For the right price.

Viddy Games

For the games I haven't yet beaten but did spent some time playing, I made 12 hours of progress into Hollow Knight and am very keen to get back into it; I played Cyberpunk 2077 for about 47 hours, and am very keen to get back into it; Baldur's Gate 3 has ~9 hours at this moment, and I'm keen, etc; and Starfield has 32 hours in it and I am NOT keen to get back into it. I can get into that later though. 🏆 means I got the Platinum achievement trophy too :3

Last of Us Part 1 (x2)/Last of Us PS4 Remaster (x3)/Last of Us PS3 (x1) 🏆 - 5 stars On top of regular playthroughs, this year also marked the dip into Grounded mode. I completed one Grounded round on the Part 1 PS5 remake, and 2 more on the PS4 remaster (for the achievements). It would be impossible to discuss the reasons why I love this game so much so I will spare yall, a mercy dedicated to anyone who's already had to/gotten to hear me go on about it. I also got two TLoU tattoos this year. Ask me about my theories still though. One of my favorite moments from my 2nd Grounded run (Including one of the nearly-100 fuck ups leading up to that point):

Death Stranding - 5 stars I'm coming in to write about this one retroactively, because I've spent all this time since beating the game thinking about it. Did I understand half of what was going on? Vaguely, but it was beautiful, and heartfelt, and the world was interesting, and it satisfied the need I had to go outside and run my errands. Loved Cliff's character, and his plight as a father, how he carried it with him to the afterlife, and his speech to Sam is on loop constantly as a goosebumps generator. All the webs this story weaved came together and fray in such intriguing ways.

Detroit: Become Human (x2) - 5 stars These were my third and fourth playthroughs of this game and I find myself fonder for this little game each time I play. The perfect example of how a setting is so much deeper for the things it DOESN'T say than the things it does, once you think consider it. Under the cover of fun little robots, this world is so bleak, and I love the thought experiments. A very good example, imo, of what kind of tool cyberpunk really is as a setting. Quantic Dream also slips in one unanswered aspect into each of their stories, and while it's true that the ambiguity can be frustrating, Quantic Dream accidentally does it in a way that I find so alluring. Ra9, in this case, examining the clues on my own, coming to my own conclusions. It lets the world live on after the games have ended. I don't care about having answers--the game focused on what it needed to. It was not a portal into the greater world, it was one into Kara, Connor, and Marcus. We can look at the world on our own.

Disco Elysium - 4 stars Admittedly while this one took me a few months to finish, with a break spanning between November 2022 to March, and often found it VERY dense with information, I still really enjoyed myself. It's also the sort of narrative that is very self-aware, and as such pokes fun at itself, and as another such is sometimes lost under a few too many layers of irony and sarcasm. It's a bit hard sometimes to know what information to take seriously and what to disregard. As wonts these sorts of games the content is made entirely of dialog, very reading heavy, and puts me to sleep--I couldn't imagine playing this game without the stellar voice acting. Haunting and comedic sometimes even in the same line of dialog, I'm glad I found it after the Final Cut was released. Highly recommend, looking forward to another play-through.

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom - 4 stars I loved BotW from the moment I got my Switch on launch day. Interestingly with TotK, I found my high opinion slipping the more I played, and too afterward. It seems more and more to me that Nintendo isn't exactly as keyed into what people are looking for with Zelda as they thought. TotK comes complete with shallow villains and anime tropes and a bastardization of a fair bit of the work done in BotW. It is not a story that is aware of it's own narrative, characters, or concepts. I don't say this as a person who demands to know which timeline and where exactly it takes place, only as someone invested in the universe and hopes to have somethings meaningfully extrapolated on. I'm hungry for subversion. Won't get much of that with this game sadly. That said, where gameplay was concerned I still really enjoyed myself. Before release I was worried how they would fill a world I've already spent 300+ hours exploring, and it turned out the answers were 2 entirely new maps and a largely transformed overworld. Discovering the newness in a world I already knew so well was fantastical. The building mechanics were enchanting, the shrines legitimately challenging, and the world still fun to explore. Don't see myself replaying for quite a while though, if ever, which was also the case with BotW. EDIT: having read and heard of all the nightmares about this games development since I've played it, just have to say 😬 yikes dude. Really recontextualizes the story for me. Idk though the gameplay was still super fun, so where an overall rating is concerned, I'm a bit conflicted. I'll leave it where it is I guess but let the record show it's still a Yikes from me about certain things.

Heavy Rain - 3.5 stars So, in the driver's seat of this, I found myself not doing much else besides complaining. The controls on the PC port are horrible; the 'twist' was less that and more... dishonest; voice acting was rough; David Cage exists; etc. But idk dude!! Something about it was still as charming as the first time!! It's been just about 10 years since I first played it at release, and the nostalgia was strong. It was a perfect distraction from real life at the time, and I've always looked back on the game fondly, though I've never replayed it. There ARE functional things I do dislike about the plot and writing and the awful ending, which discounts its score to the 3.5 star rating, but idk yall. I find Norman dorky and lovable, flawed yet well-intentioned; Ethan is a desperate dad trying to correct mistakes he still can't reconcile with; even Scott's motivations are understandable. I, like one key character, cannot deny that seeing a dad do whatever it takes to save his son? I'll have what he's having.

Oxenfree - 3 stars One thing about me is I have a great hatred for time travel stories. They always inevitably fall short. Oxenfree however used what I believe are the true assets of the trope. The struggle of fate, predetermination, and how-could-anything-be-different. (I also believe a key function of time travel stories is the character's understanding that they aren't the first version of themselves caught in the loops but that's a different convo). Anyway the ambiguous ending was also a big win to me. All in all a fun little game. Give it a try if you want some low-stakes entertainment with a good story.

The Uncharted series - a mixed bag So this doesn't include Uncharted 1, which I played damn near a decade ago when I first got my PS4 and the Nathan Drake collection. My thoughts on that are hazy but one I remember vividly--fuck the ship level. Anyway I mark this as mixed bag because my feelings towards it are complicated. I still felt the essence of NaughtyDog throughout, their care for their characters and sympathetic storytelling. While not as morally gray as their TLoU stuff, and rated Teen, it was still compelling, and despite my intense grievances with the combat systems in 1-2-3, I never questioned whether I would continue with the next game. However. Those grievances. Holy shit. Snap-to-cover is NEVER the answer, game devs. I know and forgive that games 1-3 are over a decade old, developers have better tools and understanding now. See an example of my jimmies being rustled here:

Take a shot each time a headshot doesn't hit. For gameplay reasons only I can't give the first 3 games any higher than 3 stars. And even though 3 has the best story of the 3, gameplay might even knock that one down to a 2. Anywho, the whiplash in quality between 3 and 4 was insane. I played the PS5 port, and loved everything about 4. Loved Sam, loved baby Nate, loved the story. It was as if ND had kept a .txt file of every single issue up till that point and corrected each of them. Seeing the bones of TLoU2 was also nice. Phenomenal game, and I look forward to playing it again sometime soon. Ratings for each game go: Uncharted 2 and 3 - 3 stars Uncharted 4 - 5 stars Uncharted: Lost Legacy - 4 stars Sadly I don't have the tools or plans to play the PSP game. PS Vita? Either way.

Last of Us Part 2 (x3) - 4 stars This was probably my 3rd time playing TLoU2, and while I don't have many strong comments to make concerning the story, I feel like this was finally the first time I truly understood Ellie's character in this game. The truth of her grief and what it was really over. And Abby as well, how she wasn't just a foil for Ellie, but for Joel as well. That said, I do still feel I would love this game so much more if it was just told linearly. The pacing is DOGshit dude, wow. Love it though. I've also completed a Grounded playthrough and got the Plat trophy this year as well, which I only mention for bragging rights 💅

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice 🏆 - 5 stars I don't think I have much to say about this game besides general comments about how phenomenal the experience was. Never played anything like it. Fun exploration, environmental puzzles, great visuals. Combat was good, sound design was excellent. Story was good, acting was amazing. All around VERY thrilled I played.

Assassin’s Creed: Mirage 🏆 - 5 stars I GOTTA SAY, This game surprised the hell out of me. I’m on a journey to play all the Assassin’s Creed games; so far I’ve finished 8 out of ~18. For how badly Valhalla sucked ass I was hesitant to play this one, since it acts as a sort of prequel to a particular character, but DAMN if this didn’t completely surprise me. The world was incredibly fun to explore, and even included environmental puzzles. You will legitimately feel like an assassin with the amount of player freedom this game gives you, and the story was just as good. Best Assassin’s Creed game? 👀 Hard to say till I’ve finished them all but so far it’s absolutely a contender. Basim I love youuuuuu

Unmentioned, in alphabetical order: [Assassin's Creed 1 - 2.5 stars; Assassin's Creed 2 - 3.5 stars; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: China - 3 stars; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: India - 3.5; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: Russia - 3.5 stars; Beyond: Two Souls - 3 stars; Ghost of Tsushima - 4 stars; Gone Home - 3 stars; Indigo Prophecy - 2 stars; It Takes Two - 3 stars; A Plague Tale: Innocence - 3.5 stars; The Quarry - 2.5 stars; SEASON - 3 stars; Spider-Man 2 (2023) 🏆 - 3 stars; Stray - 3.5 stars; Super Mario Wonder - 4 stars; Twin Mirror - 3 stars; Viewfinder - 3.5 stars; A Way Out - 3.5 stars; Where the Goats Are - 3 stars]

Starfield: Putting this one down here at the bottom so I don't start this list out with complaining lol. Anyway the fact this game was nominated for Best RPG at the game awards tells me they don't play some of the games they nominate lol. I don't think I've ever had an experience like this game gave me. I somehow played 30 hours, and had a great time, before realizing it was bad. Nothing happened in the story to stop me, there wasn't suddenly a new gameplay mechanic that I didn't agree with. There was just something in the glamour of those 30 hours that got me. Maybe it was the father figure referring to me with neutral pronouns. But anyway I guess I just came to my senses. I took a break to play something different, came back, and it was an entirely different game. The overworld is barren. They expect you to explore hundreds of plants that have nothing on them besides some minerals and animals you scan. These are laaaaarge swaths of time spent running back and forth in near silence, because not only is there next to nothing meaningful to interact with on these worlds, your companion repeats the same 5 quips the entire time. There are no tools to traversing the overworld more quickly, so you are running for thousands of kilometers so you can scan a useless monument and get 20XP. There is no incentive to exploring, there is no incentive to doing anything other than fast-traveling to your next destination--until the game stops you for not having the appropriate ship parts installed, and you realize it's going to be a 5 hour grind to upgrade that part. Looking back at those 30 hours I enjoyed, this was all still there, but idk man, idk. For this amount of content this should have only been a $30 game, MAX, and they sell it for $70. But I bought it for $70, so who is the real chump here. I think the only thing I truly enjoyed (besides Sam Coe) was the mission 'Entangled', where you are unwillingly forced between two alternate universes, due to an experiment in a research facility. It sits right on the cusp of horror, between one universe where the research facility exploded and nature took it back, and another where the explosion never happened. There is drama, intrigue, decisions, exploration, everything. Nothing else in the game came close at all to touching that and I'm mad I spent so long before realizing it. Who wrote this mission, so I can thank you?

Music (and the lyrics that make it)

My complete 2023 favorites Spotify playlist

Favorite albums: Preacher's Daughter by Ethel Cain Slut Pop by Kim Petras Guard Dog by Searows I Let It in and It Took Everything by Loathe Heavy Glow by Soulkeeper

Individual tracks and my favorite lyric: Master & A Hound by Gregory Alan Isakov 'Where were you when I was still kind?' Sun Bleached Flies by Ethel Cain 'If it's meant to be then it will be.' Don't Keep Driving by The Paper Kites 'There's nothing wrong with a little space. But not right now; don't leave.' Honey Dripping Sky by Georgia 'No matter how hard we try, I won't deny--it's for you.' Coming Clean by Searows 'If I kill you would I have to forgive you still?' Francesca by Hozier 'I’d tell them put me back in it. [Darling,] I would do it again.'

TV and Movies

I am severely illiterate when it comes to movies so the goal this year was to have watched at least one movie a week. Did I succeed,Future Me? [Yeah!]

Kingsman: Secret Service and :Golden Circle - 5 and 4 stars The cinematography?? The choreography? Hello? Across both movies, they were all so incredible. While Secret Service was my favorite of the two, Golden Circle had my favorite fight (though the church scene is a clooooose second)(Pedro Pascal I love you):

Gentlemen Bronco - 2 stars This movie was dull as shit BUT, it had one of my favorite scenes of the year.

Knock at the Cabin - 3.5 stars Just wanna put this one here real quick to get the Worms out--what was the point? Narratively, what was the point? I have been rolling this movie around my head since I watched last night and I'm hoping to read the book soon for better context, but man. While I enjoyed this movie a lot I just do not follow the themes, more so considering the ending. Was it a fight against providence and predetermination, only to prove its own point? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (Mr. Spock)? I can't tell exactly what this movie was asking me. As a rule I generally don't enjoy stories where the psychos are proved right with no closer examination of the themes and circumstances. Like yeah the MCs being a gay couple framed the story differently but that is also just a side effect of having distinctive characters lmao. It also insulated some sacrificial-minority stuff? Weird. And asks no questions about fate or anything, which is a wild loop considering Andrew's previous history with Redmond (a red herring? However I feel if the intro of a red herring completely recontextualizes the larger possibilities of the world, then it's not a good red herring, it's lazy). Ultimately I understand a theme is save your family or save humanity--it's on the DVD cover lol. But yeah man idk. All the other stuff, it made for a weird soup that I just cannot decipher. Anyway. EDIT: I have since read the source novel and it was incredible. I will not be watching any more Shyamalan movies lmao

Pacific Rim - 5 stars I also don't have anything much deeper to say about this than gotTDAMN dude, what a good fucking movie. I decided to watch because of all the Pacific Rim AUs that take place in fandom, and I decided I finally needed to know why and I DO know why now because good lord. What a good movie. That said the sequel was a hot pile.

The Arrival - 3 stars The way this movie had my heart racing the entire time--and shat it all away at the immediate end. Pure whiplash. "You know what surprised me the most? It wasn't meeting them. It was meeting you." What kind of straight nonsense. What kind of anticlimactic. What kind of bullshit. I was immediately snapped to my senses, I'm not over exaggerating. Insanity.

Unmentioned, in alphabetical order: [After Yang - 4 stars; Assassin's Creed (2016) - 2 stars; Asteroid City - 4 stars; Barbie - 4 stars; Begotten (1990) - 2 stars; Bullet Train - 4 stars; Come and See (1985) - 3 stars; Dead Poets Society - 3 stars; El Dorado - 3 stars; Grave Encounters - 3 stars; The Green Knight - 4 stars; The Hateful Eight - 5 Stars; IT and IT: Chapter 2 - 4 stars; Jennifer's Body - 3 stars; King of the Hill (all 13 seasons) - episode determinate; Knives Out - 5 stars; Knives Out: Glass Onion - 2 stars; Labyrinth - 2 stars; Lady Bird - 3 stars; Lake Mungo - 3 stars; The Lighthouse - 3 stars; Mad Max: Fury Road - 3 stars; The Magnificent Seven (1960) - 4 stars; The Magnificent Seven (2016) - 3.5 stars; Martyr (2008) - 3 stars; Matrix - 3 stars; Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions - 1 star; The Menu - 4 stars; Midnight Mass - 4 stars; My Own Private Idaho - 3 stars; NOPE - 4 stars; Once Upon a Time in the West - DNF; Possum - 3 stars; The Power of the Dog - 3 stars; RE: Damnation, Death Island, Degeneration, Infinite Darkness, and Vendetta - 3 stars; Saltburn - 3.5 stars; Seven Samurai (1954) - 3 stars; The Shape of Water - 4.5 stars; Skinamarink - 3 stars; Star Trek: The Motion Picture - 2.5 stars; ST: Search for Spock and ST: Voyage Home - 4 stars; ST: The Wrath of Khan - 4.5 stars; The Thing (1982) - 3 stars; The Thing From Another World (1951) - 3 stars; Tideland (2005) - 2 stars; Unforgiven - 4 stars; The VVitch - 3 stars]

Favorite Books

The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez - 5 stars I have never EVER in my life read a book like this one, and I urge everyone to give it a try. Two men must escort a dying god across the country in order to stop the control of her tyrannical children. If you aren't digging the book, at least try and make it 100 pages in. The beginning, like every chunky fantasy, is a bit of a tough learning experience, and the uniqueness of the prose didn't exactly make it an easier task. However, it makes it extremely lyrical and poetic, and intriguing. The entire package is mind-blowingly unique. AND it ends happily, if that makes you feel better.

To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers - 5 stars My thoughts on this little story aren't overly complex or anything, I just found the setting very nice, the B plot concerning Earth interesting, and the ambiguous ending intriguing. While the events might be a little harrowing it was the hopeful attitude of the prose and characters that made it very comforting nonetheless. I loved the experience while I was reading it, and think about the ending now, even all these months after reading.

The Sleeping Car Porter by Suzette Mayr - 4 stars A black sleep car porter tries to keep his job and his sanity after their train is stopped by a mudslide. Before this I can say I'd never read anything in this setting before, and it was what drew me in initially, but it was the writing that really captivated me. The narrative has a very intimate feeling, nostalgic almost, as if you're hearing the story secondhand even as you read. It's also refreshing when a book just says 'cock', and no extra-curricular euphemisms. Where's that video of Taron Egerton saying cock over and over btw cause I can't find it

The Magpie Coffin by Wile E Young - 4 stars The first in a collection of splatterpunk westerns?? It was so fun to read, and the cover is so badass. It knew what it was and it did so well.

In the Distance by Hernan Diaz - 4 stars A young Swedish boy, separated from his brother, fends for himself in the early USA west. I was on hold for this through my library for nearly a month and a half, so by the time I got it in my grubby hands my exciting was pretty high. Though I found much of it slow, I was still somehow on the edge of my seat. It's a crime that this was the Pulitzer runner-up, and that Less by Andrew Greer won instead. It's been a very very long time since I've felt so strongly about the well-being and outcome of a character but Hakan if you're out there--I love you.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - 5 stars

Nothing to add to this decade long conversation other than this holds up :’) I was gasping like I was in high school again, reading it for the first time.

Honorable mentions, in alphabetical order by author last name: [A Psalm for the Wild Built and A Prayer for the Crown Shy by Becky Chambers - 4 stars; How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix - 4 stars; Texas Outlaw by Richard Jessup - 4 stars; Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie - 4 stars; Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - 4 stars; Helpmeet by Naben Ruthnum - 4 stars; The Power of the Dog by Thomas Savage - 4 stars; East of Eden by John Steinbeck - 5 stars; The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay - 4.5 stars]

LEAST Favorite Books

I'm nothing if not a hater so I wanted to give some space to the books I most disliked.

Less by Andrew Sean Greer - DNF SAUR upset that this won the Pulitzer prize of its year instead of In The Distance by Hernan Diaz. 100 pages into it and I could not find anything redeeming about the main character. Pretentious, bitter. Like maybe that was his arc? He would outgrow that maybe. But it was just not the book nor the characters for me, unfortunately, so I did not stick around long enough for that to happen.

Bath Haus by PJ Vernon - DNF WHEW boy was the writing in this one bad. Like yall ever read a queer book and just know it was written for straight people? Let me find a picture I took of one paragraph.

Yikes and a half, dude. Anyway

Meat by Joseph D'Lacey - 1 star This was just plain bad. Like 'Oh isn't it so crazy they're eating people?? They're treating people like cattle, that's so demented right??' No. Not really. There's cannibalism in the cannibalism genre? Get a grip. I live near Donner Pass, we got cannibalism in the water here. Although maybe I'm also partially to blame for expecting some deeper storytelling from splatterpunk.

The Troop by Nick Cutter - 2 stars I don't know that I have anything really critical to say about this book other than I just didn't enjoy it. Writing was fine, prose was fine. It's told a bit out of order, think Carrie by Stephen King--snippets of interviews and articles detailing the aftermath of the events of the book. I do remember thinking that the facts were contradicting themselves a few times but was really not invested enough to care too deeply. The isolated, abandoned feeling we get from the island was nice, and the atmosphere good, I just don't believe Nick Cutter is a good writer. A bit too many slurs in here as well, methinks.

Books I DNF'd: With 15 in total this was the year of DNFing for me; it's amazing was Prozac can do for a person. (Disclaimer: I've only listed 13 of them here. The other two had to go back to the library before I could finish them so I marked them as technical DNFs :( and it doesn't feel right to include them in this list for haters)

Bath Haus by PJ Vernon (explained above) The Singularities by John Banville (nothing offensive, just didn't vibe. Books will often try way too hard on the opening paragraph and I'm not here for a philosophy lesson as I crack open a book you know what I mean) Heartless by Marissa Meyer (I just don't think YA does it for me anymore) There's Someone Inside Your House by Stephanie Perkins (" ") If We Were Villains by ML Rio (I just don't like being lectured and this book was clearly written for someone who wasn't me lol) Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter (I find that a lot of times thrillers written by women employ stereotypes against men and their 'perverse' sexual tastes. The lines between pornography/fantasy and reality don't seem as nuanced in this genre, unfortunately. A man is not immediately a villain because he enjoys CNC or roleplay, and the pearl clutching is a little tired) Campfire Cooking in Another World by Ren Eguchi (why is every light novel like this:

The Lies of Locke Lamore by Scott Lynch (this was too quippy for my tastes. It was a little too busy being clever and not busy enough being interesting.) Less by Andrew Greer (Mean Gays, the next Tina Fay movie) Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey (just wasn't my cuppa) Riders of the Purple Sage by Zane Grey (I read a review that counted how many times Zane Grey used 'sage' in this book. I don't remember the number but there was a lot of them. Too much mormanism going on, just wasn't my cuppa) The Cold Dish by Craig Johnson (only alright, not bad but wasn't going anywhere fast. More of a character focused, soft bit of mystery, which was fine, I just didn't find myself enjoying the characters either) Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett (I just wasn’t vibing you know how it is)

2023 Reading Statistics

I also keep a track of the pages read and ratings, as well as genre, where I read the book and in what format, so I'll put that here too for posterity's sake. And If you'd like, I use GoodReads, and we can be friends!

62 books read 18,217 pages in total 3.25 average star rating 19 (30.6%) of the books read were owned; 43 (69.4%)(nice) were from the library 14 (75.8%) were physical books; 12 (19.4%) were ebooks; 3 (4.8%) were audiobooks

That's it! I don't make reading goals anymore, in terms of how many to read, but I do know I want to TRY and read the copy of Battle Royal I've had since my junior year of high school. And I'd like to try and finish the Tsubasa manga series, since I never made it past volume 15 I think. I can't think of anything other than that! It was a good year!

[slayer537]

Midnight Bunnies Backstory

This is the origin story of how Kira and I got together. I hope it'll be easy to understand even though these are just in bullet point form.

From the start, I'm QN's composer in Shining Agency.

I didn't have much bond with QN though, especially since they prefer working alone. But I did try to understand them personally so I can compose songs that fit for them.

I made the songs QUARTET★NIGHT and Poison Kiss which did well in sales.

But once Haruka joined and started to make songs for them. I didn't get as much job opportunities and it seemed that QN preferred her songs. I also knew her songs are amazing, which caused my confidence in writing songs to tank. We're still good friends though.

As I tried to figure out what I should do next and looked for other composing jobs, one day, I met Heavens OG members on the stairs (like Haruka did in the anime).

Eiichi only had heard of me since I did compose for QN and offered for me to join his group. At this point, I wouldn't mind even switching agencies but since I was still depressed over my abilities, I turned him down for now because I didn't want his group to be affected by me. But he didn't know what was going on so he and Nagi kept asking me, blocking my way.

I noticed Kira was also blocking the way with an angry look, not saying anything. (But he wasn't actually mad. He was actually conflicted not wanting me to feel uncomfortable but couldn't stop his leader).

I found it strange why he wasn't saying anything and looked so mad. But then Ranmaru saved me and told them to leave. When they passed by me, I turned my head to look back and took one last look at Kira. Then Ranmaru called for me and asked how I was doing since it's been awhile since last time they met. I didn't want to talk about it so I just tried to say everything was fine but he didn't believe it. But I just told him I have to go somewhere and he let me go.

Between the end of season 2 and beginning of season 4, I got a few jobs with QN here and there but it still didn't really help with my confidence.

There's a bunny cafe that I would go to try to help comfort me. Kira also went there and saw me. He doesn't talk much at all so I barely realize he was there.

At some point he did start to talk to me because he noticed something off about me. He then went to talk with QN individually about me but they didn't know if anything was wrong except for Ranmaru. But he didn't know how to help nor want to get in the way. So Kira tried to get closer to me so he can help me out. But there was not much progress since he's also shy and just met me.

For the Triple S competition, each group gets their own composer: Haruka for Starish, me for QN, and someone else for Heavens. I think to myself that if QN doesn't win, I would just quit and find some other career. I love to compose but if it didn't feel worth continuing if I didn't think others appreciated it.

During season 4, Kira had been listening to the songs I've composed and thought they were the best he's heard. He told me this directly and it really surprised me because it had been so long since someone acknowledged my work.

He had also been working on "Dazzling darling" for the duet album and the lyrics are based on me to help me not lose hope. But I haven't heard any of those duet albums yet since I was busy with QN's song. I took up all the time to perfecting "God's Star" till the end.

After the competition results revealed that Starish won, I accepted the defeat and planned to quit my job. But the next day, Kira asked for me to meet up at his agency dorm at the lobby. He asked for me to listen to his song which I forgot to. While I listened, it really opened my eyes because I didn't expect him to write those lyrics or have those feelings.

Then I asked him why he wanted me to listen to it so badly. He said he would tell me if I join Raging Entertainment as their composer.

The rest of the members come in to say how much they wanted me to join them since they know how well I compose. Even though "God's Star" didn't win, they still ended up selling the most outside the competition.

I then accept and Kira tells me the answer: "It was... for you." "For me?!" "I really love... your music. I know... how hard you work. You don't... give yourself enough credit. I'm sure... if you join us... we can sing your songs... the best."

Before this, I only saw Kira as an acquaintance before. So it really was shocking as to why he would dedicate a song to me. But it definitely made me notice him more and brought me close to him.

After I settled in with the new agency, I composed some songs for Heavens, and I got a total different experience than with QN. We all gave feedback to each other and discuss what we liked and not. It helped me improve as a composer and bond closer with them, which also helps me create better songs for them. It really felt like I was part of their family even when I wasn't an idol like them.

As the days went by, Kira and I became closer and closer and we both developed a huge crush for each other.

We had a feeling that we liked each other but we don't say anything about it since we're too shy.

Everyone except for Yamato and Shion already knew, but the others eventually told them. Eiichi, Eiji and Van (mainly Eiji) helped out Kira to make it official. Eiichi was initially hesitant about it because he wanted us to follow the no dating rule for idols. But he felt that he could trust Kira and me.

How Kira asked me is by singing and performing a private piano performance of his first three solos. They felt different from the recordings and I can see how much emotion he puts into them this time. Since music helps Kira express his thoughts and emotions, he felt this was the best way to show how he felt towards me.

After the performance, he tells me how these songs were all dedicated for me and how he wants me to continue staying by his side as we make music together as partners.

I accept immediately in tears of joy and that's how our relationship started!

[totaldramafan-lauri]

My Top 5 Songs in Hazbin Hotel (season 1)

W-well.....it's been a week since the finale, and while Hazbin still occupies a lot of my thoughts, I've mostly calmed down and have returned to thinking about my other hyperfixations alongside it again. Now that I'm not reeling with excitement anymore and I've rewatched the episodes and have let all the details sink in.....I have a few posts I wanna make!

This is the first one I wanna do. I LOOOOOVE the music of Hazbin to flipping DEATH. You can tell this is a show that was made by people who adore musicals and wanted to embody that in their show. Two songs per episode, and not a SINGLE dud. I mean it! While I have my personal favorites, I can say with confidence that every single song in this season is GREAT. I can easily see each song being someone's favorite, and I can see soooo many fans having unique top 5s filled with songs outside of mine. The soundtrack is THAT varied. There's something for everyone!

B-but, yeah, these are MY personal favorites. I'm not expecting my opinion to be the popular one, I just wanna show appreciation for five songs I love and have been playing on repeat since I first heard them. Anyone who's been around me during Eurovision season knows how much I love rambling about music I love, even if I'm by no means a music critic. It's just something I LIKE doing, and am maybe a bit passionate about too. S-so, if you disagree with me, that's fine! ^^

I-if you're interested in what I have to say, then feel free to read, as long as you know that I'm a rambler, so...be warned. Here we gooooo~!

"Poison"

Yup, can confirm, I'm still obsessed with this song. I haven't been listening to it AS often since the other songs came out, mainly cuz they're newer and I wanna spend more time with them, but I still go through withdrawal when I don't listen to this song a few times a day. Fittingly, it's....well, addictive to me! I-I can't help it....When this song was released on its own in early January it blew my mind! I did NOT expect this kinda song from Hazbin! Before it, I was fully expecting all the songs to be in the vain of Broadway, like "Happy Day In Hell" was. So, when this song hit, and I listened to it for the first time, my synthwave-loving heart was smitten within the first few seconds. It was love at first listen! I-I listened to this song on repeat for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT when it was new, and even after that, I could BARELY pull myself away from it for long for the next week. To say I was frothing over this song would be an understatement. And that was only because of the beat and instrumentation! That was enough to make me love it, like....I can say that even if I had never heard of Hazbin, I would still love this song.....but not only that, the lyrics are also FANTASTIC and make me feel so badly for Angel, showing how he blames himself for the situation he's trapped in. The first verse and chorus making it sound like he's having a good time, only for the second verse and chorus to start showing the cracks, and the ending absolutely gut-punching you by showing you the real him, with absolutely amazing voice acting. It's the perfect progression. And it hits even harder when you get the visuals along with it....

N-not gonna lie.....The scene that this plays in is hard to watch. That's not a complaint, since it was clearly the point, but....y-yeah, while I adore the song, I do tend to look away during its part in the episode. I love LISTENING to it on its own, but watching it is another story. Still my favorite song, but if you were introduced to it within the episode, I can definitely understand why it wouldn't be yours.

If I do have one complaint with this song, it's the lack of bridge. While a lot of great Hazbin songs are short, this is one that feels like it SHOULD be a full-length song, but isn't. However, this doesn't actually bother me. Never has. It's perfect as it is, it's just more of a "what if" thing, really.

2. "Stayed Gone"

When it comes to songs that feature Hazbin's resident scene-stealer, Alastor, you have two choices to pick from (W-well, there IS his amazing verse in "Finale", but I'm talking about songs where he's one of the main singers), and this is easily my favorite of the two. "Hell's Greatest Dad" is catchy and fun and all, but at least to me, it PALES in comparison to "Stayed Gone". I love this song to flipping death, holy crap. I can't WAIT to see Vox be the main villain of season 2 as Viv told us. I NEED to see more of this rivalry, cuz it gives me LIFE. I wanna talk about Vox as a character in another post, but in short, I really ended up liking him. The way he tries to be all cool and collected, but LOSES HIS MIND when Alastor comes up is extremely entertaining. The way he's so insecure about being rejected, yet tries to act like he doesn't care, it's great. Just the way he laughs nervously when he says "Where's he been? Who gives a shit!?" says it all. His VA is amazing. But really, Alastor just steals the show here, like he always does....The main reason why I like this song more than "Hell's Greatest Dad" is Alastor's demeanor here. H-he's SO confident and in control the whole time....acting so effortlessly level-headed as he puts Vox on blast, calling him out for his insecurities, his reliance on the other Vees, AND him still not being over being rejected all in one perfect verse....and then, capping it all off with that incredible, chilling ending, that ominous warning that he's got more in store, and he can't wait to have his fun....Easily my favorite single verse of the whole soundtrack. Exactly the kinda thing I wanted from the Radio Demon....J-just....the fact that he hijacked Vox's diss track on him, flipped it around, and ended it with THAT.....Holy crap....just....wow. Perfect....

A-also, this song is just....incredibly quotable, too? SO many memorable moments-

-Vox's drawing of Alastor -"Now his medium is getting bloody rare! *holding a plate of venison*" -"Clout-chasing mediocre video podcast" -"Every day, he's got a new format!" "You're looking at the future, he's the SHIT THAT COMES BEFORE THAT!" -"I said no and now he's pissy, that's the tea!" -"Uh-oh, the TV's buffering~"

Overall, I can't get enough of this song. It's a VERY close second. The only reason I put it below "Poison" is that this is a ranking of the songs as songs specifically, and "Poison" is easily the song I listen to the most on its own more than this one. To compare them, "Poison" is my favorite song to listen to, while "Stayed Gone" is my favorite song to watch in context. It's probably one of my favorite scenes of the whole season! The song's great, but the episode around it, knowing the characters, makes it even better. If you aren't a huge Alastor fan, I can't see this being one of your favorites, but if you are, it will most likely be. It's not really a song that can stand on its own without you knowing the characters.

3. "Hell Is Forever"

Now that Adam's dead, and we know we won't have to worry about dealing with him in the second season (unless he's in flashbacks)....we can come together and agree that this song is a flipping BANGER, right? I mean, holy crap, this song blew me away when I first heard it in a similar vain to "Poison". I heard it, and immediately knew I had to hear it again. I did NOT expect a song this epic in the first flipping episode. This sounds like a song you'd hear during the CLIMAX of some shows, it's so big. Seriously, it's BIG! Like, the way this song builds is incredible! That's the best part about it! I love a good rock song to begin with, and I LOVE the chorus, but then the song just kept topping itself! Each separate part- first chorus, great, second chorus, great, then it RAMPS UP with the instrumental break ("GUITAR SOLO FUCK YEEAAAAH"), clap along part, and FLIPPING KEY CHANGE ("Fuckin' HELL is forever, and it's meant to suck a lot!") that STILL gives me chills! This song has SO MUCH packed into it, it's crazy! It feels complete in a way a lot of other songs don't. This is the song that makes me wish I knew more music terminology cuz of just how many parts it has. I don't really care for Adam as a character, even if he does do his job at being a hatable villain, and cuz of that, for a while I was a bit ashamed of loving this song so much...but y'know what? Why SHOULD I be ashamed? Yeah, I don't agree with him, but I'm happy he gave us this song. AMAZING chorus, great buildup, just a dang epic song and I will NOT apologize for loving it! This is probably THE song I've been singing along with the most recently. It feels great to just....belt, even if I don't agree with the lyrics. XD

4. "Out For Love"

First off, I LOVE Carmilla's voice. Every song she's in gets bonus points from me by just her being in them. I can't explain why, I just find her voice very ear-pleasing. Part of that might be how distinct it is, but I know that's not the only thing....in any case, she's great. She's my second-favorite singer in the cast (after Alastor, of course). But even if she wasn't the one singing this song, I would STILL ADORE IT. This is a song that lives on its melody rather than its vocals, and holy CRAP is it catchy. The chorus, particularly the "LooooOOOoove, lo-o-o-OVE"s, live in my head rent-free. I also just tend to adore energetic fight songs and training songs, and this one definitely succeeds in hyping me up! It's a great song to put on when I need an energy boost cuz of how much of a punch it packs! The lyrics are great too, really tying Carmilla and Vaggie's motivations together as well as giving me inspo for my writing (let's just say that fighting for someone you love becomes relevant in the fic I'm working on, so...bias). It's too bad that this song is SOOOOOO SHORT! It's not even two minutes long! I would've loved for it to be longer! But, I guess not all songs can be long....*grumble* doesn't mean I can't be at least a bit bummed....I-I can't put this song on my playlist only cuz of how short it is....but for what we got of it, it's still incredible.

Also, I know that I'm only listing the songs here, but I do still wanna mention the visuals for this song, and how COOL they are. The choreography, ugh, it's soooo pretty! Carmilla is magnetic to watch, and I hope we get more of her in season 2!

5. "Respectless"

"That was a productive meeting!"

OK, n-now that that obligatory comment is outta the way, heh....

Yet another song that's shorter than two minutes, yet still packs a heck of a punch! This song being as catchy as it is is even more impressive than with "Out For Love", cuz unlike that song, this one has no chorus! It's just a short conversation in song form, that's all....and it goes SO unnecessarily hard!? Carmilla's voice is amazing like always (Her coming in mid-song with "You and the Vees are inane and uninfoooormed" is probably my fav part of the song), and Velvette absolutely crushes it here, calling out the older Overlords for being scared to fight and calling into question Carmilla's apprehension given that she's the one who makes guns for a living. Velvette's a brat, but she's smarter than you think she is, and I like that a lot. This song does lose a bit of impact following the finale, knowing that she doesn't follow through with any of what she says here and sits out the extermination with the other Vees, so....that's unfortunate, but this song still KILLS. It's basically an Establishing Character Moment for her, letting you know exactly the kind of person she is- confident, childish yet somehow smart, and showing her domain being social media by throwing in "I'm the hashtag bitch" and "Sorry bae, but I ain't swipin' right". This song makes you wanna see more of her, which we'll hopefully get next season! But honestly, that's all just the cherry on top for me. The main reason this song's one of my favorites is just the beat. I can't really explain what makes a song catchy, but....yeah, this song's catchy catchy CATCHYYYYYYY. All there is to it. It makes my monkey brain that likes catchiness happy.

And there we go, my five favorite songs from Hazbin Hotel! Like I said, I like all the songs in the show, these are just my favorites, and I hope you enjoyed me rambling about why I love them all just so, so much! But, I do have some honorable mentions that I also love almost as much, sooooo.....here's the rest of my top ten, if you're curious!

6. "Finale" 7. "You Didn't Know" 8. "Loser, Baby" 9. "More Than Anything" 10. "Whatever It Takes"

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I was in the middle of writing a pity party post when I realized why the pity party wasn't and isn't deserved. Damn. That must be my favorite thing about writing introspectively - being able to write down my thoughts and then examine them as I'm writing until I come to the conclusion, "Oh wait, this is my fault. lol I do deserve these shitty feelings, actually."

Basically, me @ me: I can't be upset about being ignored when I've ignored everyone else! That's just hypocrisy, dear.

But then I have to ask myself: if I care about not being ignored...do I care about these people (people I went to high school and shit with, who I'm FB friends with but who I haven't been FRIENDS with for years) enough not to ignore them [anymore]?

It takes effort to maintain those relationships (I know for a fact), and I have to ask myself if I want to make the effort. And will it be worth it?

Only, that just brings up painful memories of high school again...like being abandoned by my entire friend group sophomore/junior year when we'd all been friends since middle school, and some of us had even been friends since elementary school. Junior year I did Running Start (took classes at my local community college) and dropped out of all but two high school classes (that I needed for my college applications and because I was wayyyyy too bad at math or science to take them at the college level) because I was sick to death of my high school population and I was sick of not fitting in. Yeah, I was "the weird girl" (I was called that by a couple of the most popular guys in my grade), and I held contentious opinions that OH WAIT I STILL HOLD TO THIS DAY (and thankfully now I actually have the language and the knowledge and the understanding to explain it all, unlike in high school) no one wanted to understand, and I was like 'Why am I floundering in loneliness in a peer group that I don't get along with at a school where I don't belong...' so I cut myself off from the school and the people at my school the best I could - I made it my choice as much as I perceived that it was theirs. So yeah, most people I went to high school with I don't talk to anymore, and haven't since I graduated high school, because it hasn't felt worthwhile to be friends or talk with them in far longer than a decade. None of those people were anything like a 'true friend,' so why should I make the effort to be one when they couldn't be bothered?

I guess the main difference is that I don't know any of those people anymore. We're all different people now even as I feel like I haven't changed hardly at all - hence 'I still hold opinions that I had in high school that were not popular then and heyyyyy they still aren't popular now!' lol. So maybe I should make the effort to get to know them again, or more like, anew?

And yet I have to circle back to a thought that I heard and thought of A LOT while I was in high school...something my mom used to say to me a lot, even before I started high school, I think. And that is: "Wherever you go, there you are."

I was lonely in high school...and I'm still lonely as an adult. It doesn't matter that I live in a more populous or progressive area of the state, and it doesn't matter that I went to and graduated from college...what I am still dealing with, I think, is that I am still lonely in the same way. No one knows me, because I won't let anyone know me. Because I don't believe that I'm worth knowing. And that is what makes me reluctant to reach out to anyone; in a way, it's why I'm okay with being ignored. If I can justify why people ignore me, then I can justify ignoring people.

Oof! That sounds like grounds for some motherfucking therapy!

[nekasu]

"It was also my own way of pointing out that I'm not threatenable into submission. As this conversation has progressed, I see the likelihood of you doing as such going down, but I simply wanted to make my stance on the matter as clear as possible. I can certainly understand how your initial impression of me might be a bit colored, I'm actually rather easy to get along with and hold casual conversations with."

It had taken considerable effort to make him acknowledge what had happened on his end, so it would be best if neither of them labored on those points. In fact, as Ei looked him over, she would see a surprisingly candid soul in front of her. Not one given toward flattery or lies, his compliments were correspondingly genuine.

"Hmph, you don't need to treat me with such coddling. It's true that I've been sealed away since the Cataclysm until after thosee decrees had ended--to give you a proper perspective on the timeframe--I'm actually rather adaptable." Customs? Culture? He didn't care as much about those trifling matters as those regarding the people. Especially regarding Ei and Yae, the only people he knew from back then who still lived in Inazuma. There was something beautifully sorrowful about the passage of time exacting its toll, so seeing how those two had been affected was a point of curiosity for the kitsune.

Emerald eyes downcast, Neka smiled sadly at Ei. "It was only afterward that I realized that doing what she asked was the choice that failed her. Sometimes you just have to go against someone's will to do what's best for them. It was my blind devotion to her that blinded me to consider something like that could happen." It was a regret that had been allowed to fester for 500 years, and it would take more than a bit of consoling from Ei to heal that particular scar over his heart.

"I should have been you no more than it should have been me. Stop trying to absolve me of guilt while burying yourself in it. Either neither of us is at fault or we both are. I'll let you choose which you think, as I've already made up my mind on the matter. But yes, you must pick one of those two options only." His tone could hardly be considered harsh, but it was certainly firm.

"You know, it doesn't have to be me you vent to if you still don't completely trust me. I'm sure Yae would listen to your problems if you were to approach her about them. But you do need to talk about your feelings to someone. You've been meditating so you probably haven't had much time to actively dwell on it, but come 500 years, you'll very much regret not doing so." Personal experience? Probably. Either way, the fact that she humored the idea to the point of not shooting it down on reflex told him volumes about her as it was.

"Hmph, the fact that you're willing to treat me as an equal is already a good enough showing of faith on your part, so it'd be rather improper of me to decline your offer. As long as you are genuine with me and your efforts, then you can count on my earnest support. For my part, I seek not to strongarm into making decisions that I feel Makoto would have made, but to provide certain insights that you might not have realized beforehand, and offer possible solutions while leaving the final choice up to you."

Neka cocked his head slightly at her seeming hesitation. Did she think that his affliction was symmetrical in nature and thus affected his right hand at well? "You can relax. It's only my left hand that still bears any kind of curse, so it won't affect you at all if you touch my right." Nevertheless, soft, slender fingers coiled around Ei's hand, almost as if yearning for the touch of another.

"Be mindful of? I suppose the only thing is that given Makoto's untimely passing, the enforcement of her end of the contract we formed will inevitably fall to you. And that is: when I cease to be myself, it will be your responsibility to kill me. Just as she and I agreed a thousand years ago." He wouldn't mind giving her the full details, but held off from explaining himself, giving Ei the chance to ask any questions she might have first.

"A warning repeated more than necessary would start to be perceived as something held as leverage over another. I wish for us to be able to communicate without the presence of threats or ultimatums present in each conversation we hold."

Overzealous with his accusations? That is a severe understatement at best with how damaging his conduct truly was to her. But acknowledging the flaws in his approach is a step in the right direction at the very least. It does make it easier to comprehend her own.

Purple eyes held an intense gaze as the archon narrows them at the deity, as if she intends to peer into the very fabric of his being to ascertain any hidden jab he may be trying to get across. When Ei could read none nor think of any reason that would make him do so, she elects to believe his congratulations was genuine.

"I can see why you would assume so. It is a drastic adjustment, likely to how you once remembered. I will endeavor to be more patient with your readjustment to me in these present times."

After all, based on what Neka has disclosed, he had only just been able to break out of the confines. To expect him to catch up with everything else, including herself, in such a short time would be impossible. With that given perspective, she can at least understand his hostility and wariness towards her decision making.

Talk? Vent? The concept of doing so with anyone is almost impossible to picture for someone like Ei. No, why would she allow anyone else the potential to weaponise her vulnerabilities? Talking about it simply only transfers her pain to others. All that she has underwent in the time of war, she went through alone. The archon saw no reason to change that.

"...I appreciate the offer. I will think on it." Even with an apology, things are still too raw on her part to fully mull it over. Nevertheless, Ei does not outright reject his offer, merely accepting the extended grace to be able to think it over at a later date.

A heavy sigh slips from her when discussing both their loss of her sister. It is abundantly clear to Ei that Makoto's death has left quite the impact on them both. At the very least, she can be glad someone else out there will remember and cement her existence, thus preventing Makoto from a fate of fading into the shadows. Ironic how in her death, their roles were effectively reversed.

"It was supposed to be me," her voice is quiet as though it were an awful truth uttered. "I was the one who should have died in her stead that day."

Given the choice, Ei would have still wished it was herself that rode onto that battlefield instead. It was her responsibility. It was her duty to do so.

"You did not fail my sister. You did what she asked for in her last moments and granted her the peace of mind she needed." The archon shook her head lightly. "You need not feel guilt over what you were unable to stop. She would have found a way to enact her plans regardless."

There was no feasible way they would have been able to get off on the 'right foot' in an earlier point in time. Not when they were both freshly healing and doing what they could to preserve life and safety. And while it has been a struggle to get to this point, Ei is at least aware that they can now understand how their perspective on one another was shaped.

"It is not the sharpness of your words that affect me; more so how you disregard boundaries and play indirect guessing games to punish me further for not understanding. I know now that a large part of it wasn't born from malice...but I would like to communicate that I am serious about ascertaining the best steps forward for Inazuma. And I could use...advice given as an equal with no pretense or roundabout implications in future."

Tension fills the air in the wake of her statement, lingering longer before Ei reaches out, brushing her fingers over his own. She seems hesitant to hold it, concerned with whether that would aggravate his condition and therefore pain. Hence, Ei decides on a compromise by curving her palm inward in a loose hold so that the other could decide if it was alright for her to hold his hand properly. "What will you ask of me to be mindful of in return?"

@nekasu

[planetdemon]

I just wanted to be a swan

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst, fluff, but mostly angst

warnings: low self-esteem, body hate/dislike, eating disorders, swearing, food, insecurities, arguing DONT READ IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT!

wc: 2.003

note: so this scenario has been going through my head for quite a while now, and I tried writing it by myself lol. Hope it's good ;) I've also sent a request to @channienet about the same topic, so make sure to check her interpretation out as well! enjoy!

summary: Due to Chan's heavy working schedule, spending time alone was a thing you couldn't quite befriend with, especially after you've noticed some changes you have gone through. There is a to change it, but it isn't quite... let's say healthy. How will Chan react, after he finds out? Will he even care? (dude I'm shit at writing summary lol)

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Taking a bath was normally something that should be considered relaxing or calming. You've always enjoyed letting the hot water surround your body whilst taking all the dirt and negativity off that you have collected during stressful days at work.

But lately, taking a bath wasn't as enjoyable anymore as it once was. Chris has been working a lot lately, due to the kingdom stage and their nearing comeback. He has been spending more and more time at the company, working on producing new tracks for him and the kids, often staying at the dorms because they were closer to the studio than the apartment you shared. So you were left alone, by yourself.

Even though you wished he would be by your side while you were falling asleep, you couldn't be mad at him. You knew what his work meant to that boy and you would never tell him to stop doing what he loves just so you could spend some time together.

But being alone also meant that you had to kill the boredom somehow and, thanks to Felix's Brownie and Cookie recipes, you had the perfect thing to do in the meantime. Baking and eating delicious desserts.

You were just stepping out of the bathtub, grabbing the towel you had prepared, and drying yourself with it. Once your body was half-dried, you turned around to hang the towel back at the hanger, so it could dry properly.

And at that moment, you knew, you've fucked up. You couldn't avoid looking at your wet, naked body in the hot, steamy mirror near the hangers.

You always hated looking at it, but thanks to the sweets you had been eating lately, looking at yourself only made you feel sicker than it ever did.

You couldn't tear your gaze off the excess of flesh around your tummy and thighs and the stretch marks, that decored your boobs only seemed to scream "Look at me!". You slowly turned around and saw the tiger stripes creeping up your bum and the undersides of your arms.

'Fucking disgusting', that little voice in your head sneered.

'How could I let this come this far?', you thought. At this point, you were somehow happy Chris wasn't here, knowing he would be disgusted with how you've changed.

You've always felt a bit insecure by his side, knowing you could catch up with neither his attractiveness nor his muscular godlike body. But seeing yourself like this destroyed every little self-esteem you had left in your cells.

-

It has been nearly two months since 'the incident' in the bathroom and you couldn't shake that feeling of disgusts off. Not even for one second.

You only wanted to try a one-week detox diet that was blowing up all over social media, hoping you could lose a little bit of weight, so you would be back to normal. But seeing the numbers on the scale dropping so unbelievably quickly only made you realize that you could look even better than you thought you could.

You kept on following the diet and restricting everything that wasn't included, not noticing that restricting also damaged your mind.

One time, Han and Felix asked you if you wanted to have lunch with them and the others, but fear crept up you back as soon as you thought about the food they would have ordered, knowing that you would only gain weight again if you didn't follow the rules.

So you stayed home, keeping yourself isolated from your friends and most importantly, Chan.

You were lying on my bed, scrolling through Tumblr when Chris' Caller ID showed up and your phone started to ring. You sighed lowly, not wanting to talk to him.

Over the past few months, you stopped showing up at the studio, being afraid the boys would notice the changes your body went through, thanks to the diet. You were happy about it, knowing that you were losing weight, but you haven't reached my goal. You were afraid, they would judge you the way you did when you looked at yourself.

"Chris?"

"y/n? Han just told me that you weren't coming over. Are you okay? Y-" Chris's muffled voice appeared and you felt instant regret deep in your guts, knowing how much fun you guys had when you spent time together back in the days.

"Yeah, I'm okay Channie, don't worry. I just feel a little sleepy. I'll come next time. Promise" You tried your best to sound optimistic or at least not too sad, hoping Chris would believe your lie. "Okay," he mumbled, "I love you, baby girl".

-

You knew you were in big troubled the second Chris opened the fridge, seeing no food in there.

He randomly decided to stay over the weekend, saying that he missed you. You weren't ready for this, knowing that you couldn't hide the signs of the 'passion' you had developed in time.

"Why is there no food?" You fumbled with the arms of Chris sweater you were wearing while looking at the ground. "I've forgotten to go grocery shopping" You answered.

"But there is nothing in there, y/n. Nothing" He walked over and took hold of your cold hands while looking you straight in the eyes.

"Why is there no food?" Chris asked again.

"I just told you I forgot to go grocery shopping, Chan. Relax" You snapped back, getting anxious about the fact that he could notice something.

You were nearing your goal, even though you knew that you could never be satisfied with how you looked. He couldn't just come over and ruin all the progress you've made after being not here for so long. He doesn't have the right to do this.

"Don't fuck around, y/n. You always have at least some butter in your house. Where is the butter? Where is Ramen? You must have some food here!"

Your body started to shake as you heard his voice rise, keeping your gaze low, not daring to look him in the eyes right now. He was right.

You always had something at home, so you could quickly cook something when you were hungry. But you didn't saw a point in keeping food at home if you wouldn't eat it anyway. It would just rot.

"Y/n look at me" he whispered, after realizing that you were trembling. Chris gently grabbed your chin to make you look up at him. You were expecting to see anger, but the only thing you saw in his brown orbs was sadness.

You started to tear up after you noticed it, knowing that he put one and one together. You missing out on lunch with the boys, you not showing up at the studio to bring him food and spend with him there, listening to his tracks, you not having any food at home. It was obvious, but you still hoped he wouldn't notice.

Chris slowly took you in his arms, noticing how your figure felt smaller and bonier than before. It made him sick, knowing what you did to yourself. 'Why would my girl do something like this?' he thought 'how could my little princess torture herself this much?' But he couldn't find a 'because'.

In his eyes, you were the best thing that happened to him. You were the prettiest girl on earth. Warm tears were running down his pale cheeks, dropping to the floor.

He couldn't stop blaming himself for what you did. Maybe if he would have been there, he could have stopped you. Maybe if-

"Channie?" You quietly asked, looking up at his tear-stained cheeks. "Channie why are you crying? We can go to the store and grab something if you want. You don't-"

"Why have you been doing this to yourself, y/n?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why haven't you been eating"

Well, shit.

"What are you talking about, Channie?"

"Don't fucking lie to me, it's too obvious for you to do so. Why haven't you been eating?"

"I... I, I'm pressured Chan" You answered, knowing that he wouldn't believe you if you would tell him otherwise. Telling him the truth was the only option at this point, even though you didn't want to.

"Pressured?"

"Yes"

"Princess, I don't understand what you mean by that"

You shook your head and let go of him, before walking over to the couch and sitting down with a low sigh. "Maybe you shouldn't understand," I said.

"Jesus, y/n" I heard him mutter under his breath. He walked over and sat on the floor, in front of you, looking at you with a scared expression.

"Please tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours. I can see that you have lost weight, but I don't understand why. I mean, you are the prettiest human I have ever seen in my whole life, why would you do something like that?"

"Why do you even care? It's not like you here anyway" you simply said, grabbing your phone, trying to ignore him.

After he noticed your intentions, he quickly took your phone out of your hands, placing it on the coffee table behind him.

"Hey! Give me my phone back, you dump a-"

"Fucking stop it, y/n. Stop ignoring me. I care for you because I love you! You are my everything and I know I haven't been home lately, but at least I tried making time for you and inviting you to the studio", he said, "but you never came! Don't act like it's only my fault we haven't seen each other."

You looked at him with wide eyes, shaking your head. He was right, it was also your fault. And you hated the fact that he was right. "I-"

"Please y/n, please stop turning away from me and closing up. I-I know it's not easy to open up, but I'm here for you. I'll always be."

"Well, I... I couldn't, no, I can't feel happy when I look like this, Channie. I mean, look at you, look at your perfect body and your perfect personality and your perfect everything! I don't fit in. I don't fit in, because I am the ugly duck surrounded by beautiful swans. I just... wanted to be a beautiful swan, Channie."

That's it. You've made it. You've told him what was going through your mind all the time.

He slowly pulled you off the couch, into his lap. He could feel your seat humps against his thighs, how bony and strong they were. Chris shook his head in disbelieve, another wave of sadness crushing over him.

"You are perfect, baby girl. You are perfect in every single way. You always were the most beautiful swan I have ever seen in my entire life. I love everything about you, y/n. I love how your thighs wiggle whenever you run towards me when we meet, I love how curves look in that dress I brought you a year ago, I love how your stretch marks are decorating your body like silverish paint. I don't want you to change for me, because you are perfect the way you are. Jesus, even Hyunjin said you are even prettier than himself, and that means a lot. Please don't hurt yourself like this, princess. You are destroying yourself"

He took hold of your hands and kissed your palm.

"I promise I'll stop working so much, so I can spend more time with my beautiful girlfriend, but please... stop hurting yourself" he whispered, searching for any signs of discomfort in your eyes. But you just set in his lap and listened to him.

"Hyunjin thinks I'm prettier than him?" you asked awkwardly.

Chris chuckled and nodded "Is this the only thing that got stuck in your pretty little head?" He asked.

You smiled a bit, leaning your forehead against his while closing your eyes. "I'll try to get better, Chris" you whispered.

It wouldn't be an easy journey going back to 'normal. Once the hole is there, digging is difficult. But it is possible, especially if someones helping you.

[fenoderee]

薫 [Guitar] Interview

Let's start with an interview with Kaoru, the main composer of the Band. He has been steering the Band in the direction of what he feels is new and interesting musically, but in what mode has he been working on the music now, and how did he complete the new song "Oboro"?

Nothing is interesting if it's exactly what you think it is at the beginning, but it becomes interesting if you think "it could look like this" and continue drawing.

-Since we're doing this remotely, I'm also curious about where you are now... Is it your home studio?

Kaoru: It's like a studio, a place where I write songs and draw pictures.

-A place where you can concentrate on one work. Have you had a studio for quite some time?

Kaoru: About five years ago. I've been using it since I started writing songs for 'The Insulated World' (released September 2018).

-I'm also curious about the monitor screen behind you, which I assume you're still writing songs on.

Kaoru: No, this is just the data for "Oboro". There's also a guitar in the composition.

-It's a studio that you can use freely 24 hours a day, are you the type of person who sets aside time to write songs?

Kaoru: Basically, I do, but it depends on the moment. When I'm in the mood, I don't need to set a time to write.

-I've heard that you've been writing songs for your next album for quite some time?

Kaoru: Yes. We started writing songs before we had finished "The Insulated World." I don't know if they will end up on the album or not, but I started writing them anyway.

-The style of your previous work was also key in terms of what inspired you to write a song and how you think about it, but what did you see in "The Insulated World“ that made you want to pursue it further?

Kaoru: To put it simply, I wanted to create something more intense. The last album was made with the intention of creating something intense, and the album before that "ARCHE" (released in December 2014), was a straightforward package of what we had created at that time. For the next album, I want to make sure that the songs I've chosen are the only ones I can think of. In that sense, I want to make a very intense album. I don't want it to be an intense album, or a slow album, or anything like that, but I want it to be a whole piece of work.

-Do you write your songs with the whole album in mind, rather than just one song at a time?

Kaoru: Yes, that's true. But when we first started writing the songs, I had a feeling about it, but I hadn't told the band yet.

-What kind of sounds and phrases come to you as a starting point when you are conscious of wanting to make something strong?

Kaoru: The way we create doesn't change much. It doesn't matter what the starting point is. I just start writing and then somewhere along the line I start to betray myself. I'll put in a phrase that sounds different. It's all about making the song more interesting. It's more like if you start off with the right idea, the song won't expand from there. I'm trying to find songs where I can find the unexpected.

-Do you also do some kind of input work to draw your own inspiration?

Kaoru: I do input, but I don't know if it's open or not. When I sit down in my studio and think "Come on, let's do it", I don't really think about anything else.

-Do you feel that starting to draw together has given some kind of feedback to your music?

Kaoru: I thought there would be, but not really (laughs). It's still the same, both in terms of salary and songs. If I tried to create it myself, I'd end up thinking in a very unorthodox way. The more I draw, the more I think the same way as I do when I write songs. It's not interesting if it's exactly what I had in mind from the start, but if I start drawing randomly and when something comes out, I think "it could look like this", and then I go on with it and it becomes interesting.

-So you don't like the fact that you can predict what you are going to do?

Kaoru: Yes. But in the case of a song, you can say "I've tried it, but I think I'll redo it", but with a picture, once you've put in one stroke, you can say "Oh, it's not the same", so the tension is different in that respect.

-Returning to the subject of one song, last year DIR EN GREY released "Ochita Koto no Aru Sora" as a download. When was this song born?

Kaoru: Last spring...well, it's been around for a while. It was a song that we had been working on. We reworked it and made it again.

-Were you in the mode of "I want to make it strong" from that point on?

Kaoru: I think we were in that mode, but I have an image of that song as a single, so it's a bit different. I wanted to put it together as a single, but with an unexpected twist. So it's a mixture of mellow, loud and core.

-But I think you felt you were able to move forward with one new song. Was there anything that came out of that?

Kaoru: It's still like we're trying to get our hands on something that's shrouded in mist. I'm still struggling with it.

-From what point did you start to make "This Single"?

Kaoru: Unusually for me, I started with a chord progression. I thought it would make a beautiful song. But as a song it was just a chord progression and I didn't have a definitive image yet. So I gave the members a listen to the song and said "Let's try it".

-Did you write the chord progressions while playing the guitar?

Kaoru: No, the keyboard. I thought it would be easier to understand the development of the song if I added the guitar when I played it for the members, so I did, but I hadn't added it before.

-A single keyboard is an instrument that makes it easy to visually see how the notes are stacked. Do you find it easier to move on to something unexpected if you use such an instrument?

Kaoru: When I'm creating phrases on the keyboard, I'm only imagining how the song will go. It's not that I'm trying to make the sound pile up purely because it's on the keyboard, but simply because it's easier to see than playing the guitar. This was especially true for "Oboro" and nowadays I always review the notes once on the keyboard. I also created "The World of Mercy" (released in September 2019) on the keyboard at first. When I added guitars to it, the song changed drastically.

-"Oboro" is finished in an arrangement that incorporates strings, but is the rough phrase of strings in your head from the beginning?

Kaoru: I didn't include it in the demo stage. In fact, I was thinking of not including it. But when I created the guitar solo and was thinking about what to do before it, I came up with the idea of strings. I put them in, and it worked out well, so I decided to put strings in the second half as well.

-So the guitar solo led to the string arrangement.

Kaoru: To put it coolly, yes (laughs). For a while we were trying to get rid of the guitar solo, but recently we've been trying to add the flavor of the guitar solo to the songs. I was struggling with this until about halfway through, when I really thought the guitar solo was necessary. Even now, there are times when I don't think it's necessary. But this is the same idea I had when I started adding guitar solos again. I grew up with that kind of music, and I was always impressed by the cool guitar solos of my favorite artists. I don't think solos are really necessary in this day and age, but as long as it's not too dull, it's okay. That's why I think about the phrases I use in my solos, but it's not like I have any deep feelings about them.

-When you were thinking about the phrases and melody for the guitar solo, did you have a song in mind yet?

Kaoru: I had a tentative song in mind, but I hadn't finished the verses yet.

-Oh, really? It's a solo with a melody and tone that fits the color of the poem very well.

Kaoru: So maybe it was my mouth that called up this poem (laughs).

-I'll say it, brother!

Kaoru: That's a lie, a lie (laughs). When I was thinking about the guitar solo, I felt like I was drawing a picture. I was trying to figure out what kind of sound I wanted the chords to make while creating a certain atmosphere. It's like I'm trying to figure out what emotion I want to put into it. The general idea was to keep the first phrase as it was, but change the nuances in the details.

It's limited, so you can't do something like a power collision, but it will surely be a live that is nothing but DIR EN GREY's live.

-You're a real romantic when you can get away with this kind of melody and arrangement.

Kaoru: Yeah, that's right (laughs).

-Another thing I noticed was how few guitar tracks there were. Is this a result of your desire for a change in the construction of the sound?

Kaoru: I think a lot of people feel that this song is easy to understand, but we just didn't make it easy to hear everything. If you listen to it carefully, it's actually not an easy song to understand at all...let's just say that (laughs). If you listen to it thinking that you can hear everything that is in it, you will never hear it. In fact, there are many "sounds" that are far away. I put them in such a way that you can't hear them. So I'm trying to make you feel it. I think the guitars in this song are meant to be felt. I don't want you to listen to it, but to feel it. That's why it doesn't come out with a bang, but there's something there. The number of tracks is smaller than in the days of "Dum Spiro Spero" (Continued in August 2011), but I thought it would be more interesting to let the listener hear that there are actually various sounds at key points. In that sense, I want the album to be dense.

-Did you come up with such a clever method while struggling with the music in your secret studio?

Kaoru: I'm basically twisted (laughs). But when I think something is not interesting, I naturally come up with something like that. When the album finally comes out, I think it's OK as long as everything is interesting and fits together. It's not like I haven't done this before, but this time I took the plunge.

-In this case, I think you have to be very careful about sound awards and mix balance. What kind of instructions did you give during the recording process?

Kaoru: I didn't make any detailed instructions. I just recorded it normally, reamped it in the studio, and at the last minute asked the engineer, "This is how I want it". The rest was left to the mix engineer. However, I had already talked with the members at the pre-production stage. I wanted the whole thing to sound like a warble, and the guitars were relatively up front. When it came time to mix it, I tried to make it more of a feeling than a sound.

-Neil Avalon was the mix engineer, was it easy to convey the subtle nuances?

Kaoru: Neil seemed to understand. Even so, it was difficult to convey even the most recognizable nuances, and I had many exchanges.

-You said you were going to have him play the guitar, but could you give us some pointers on "this part is actually the guitar"?

Kaoru: To make it easy to understand, in the A melody, there's a kind of arpeggio that goes back and forth. It's like a single note phrase.

-Is it an echo-like effect with a lot of depth?

Kaoru: Yes, yes. That's the one that's actually getting straightened out little by little (laughs). But you can't tell unless you listen carefully. The first shot is a bit choppy, so you can understand it, but the second half is very year-round and you may not understand it. It's interesting to understand.

-As I unraveled Oboro, using what you taught me as a hint, I felt like I was getting deeper and deeper into it.

Kaoru: Yes, I think it will be fun, so please listen carefully. Well, I'll try not to make you sit down (laughs).

-I'm a passenger, though, lol.

Kaoru: It's just something I came up with. But it wouldn't be interesting to have a song where everything is played, or where all the voices are heard, or where all the sounds of the five players must be heard because it's a band. If that's the case, then the guitar doesn't have to be played loudly.

-Did completing this song make what you wanted to do for the album clearer?

Kaoru: It's just that now that "Oboro" is done, I don't think there will be any more songs like this one (laughs). But we originally wrote this song as a ballad, and the album's ballad will be released as a single first. "Oboro" exists in my mind only as a single song, so I think I need a song with a different selection.

-Are you starting to give shape to it?

Kaoru: No, it takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of time for me and my team members to get to know each other. It's hard to find something that says, "Oh, you don't have to think that hard". So I try not to think about it (laughs).

-That's just like Dr. Den who is in album production mode (laughs). I always send the best car with the best machine to the landing place.

Kaoru: It's true. I can't decide, or rather I don't want to decide. I want to use the possibilities to the fullest as they grow. The members say to me, "Shouldn't you decide what kind of album you want to make?“ I usually answer, "No, I'd like to keep it a little more vague“. This always lasts until the second half of the album production (laughs).

-Since last year you haven't been able to perform live as much as you'd like, does that put you in a better frame of mind to concentrate on writing songs?

Kaoru: We haven't toured for a year now, we used to tour twice a year. Now I think there were hints in the casual conversations I had with the members in the dressing rooms before the gigs. I would get an idea for a song from a casual conversation, like "this song might fit this way". So I think it would be better if I had a chance to talk to the band members.

-Conversations with the members are different during the writing period and in the dressing room. In the dressing room, they might express their honest opinions, so it's easier to understand what they are thinking about.

Kaoru: Yes, that's true. It's hard to see because we don't have that now.

-Is your biggest input from your members?

Kaoru: I want to make decisions myself, but there are many things I can't decide. If the members say "it's good", I think "oh, it's good". I don't know if it's the right answer on my own.

-At the audience concert in May, I was asked to start by talking with the 5 members in the dressing room.

Kaoru: I don't think we have time for that (laughs). It's been a long time since I've been to a live concert.

-When the magazine goes on sale, the live performance will be in a few days. It's been a long time since you've done a live power exchange with the audience, how are you feeling now?

Kaoru: I sent my ideas for the setlist to the members just the other day, but no one responded, so I don't know if they think it's okay or if they'll think about it after rehearsal (laughs). I'm not sure how that will feel. But I'm not worried at all. I'm sure it will be nothing but a DIR EN GREY concert. Also, in a situation like this, everyone has their own opinion, and it doesn't mean that those who come to see the show are right. It will be the first one, or the beginning, or if it is the first step to get something, it will be the second step, so I would like to think about it after we try it.

Text/ YUKINOBU HASEGAWA, HIROKI KATAGIRI [GiGS/Equipment]

Photo/ REISHI EGUMA [C-LOVe CREATORS]

Translations by me.

[lovelywingsart]

Metallic (18+)

-- Karl Heisenberg X OC (AFAB, She/They) --

Oh lord here we go- Ok, first off, y'all get a small paragraph beforehand, please forgive me. :'D I've... never posted smut THIS PUBLICLY before. This is admittedly incredibly nerve-wracking and I'm hella nervous because I feel like I write... 'conservatively'? You'll see what I mean. So... Please go easy on me for this one...? I'm great for sweet stuff and angst, but smut is a whole other beast despite NSFW being one of my favorite art forms when drawing. I mean, I've already made a few *spicy* art pieces for them, but just... Writing is difficult. I mean, I really hope you guys like it anyway!! But fair warning. THIS is new for me. QuQ I do have a few more smut pieces in the works, but this was the first one written.

So uh... on to the story, I guess...!

**Small reminder that I have a small 'Masterlist' for these!**

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*Warning?: Hella smut, lots of biting, choking and kisses, some blood from said biting, just rough sex in general? Normal, to rough, to fluff. not entirely sure what else to add?? :'D It's all consensual, no worries.

Summary: With some high tensions, a smart mouth, and some unfortunate forgetfulness, Emelia gets herself into a bit of... 'trouble' with the notorious Metal Man. But maybe this time she bit off a bit more than she could chew... Not that she really ends up minding.

A pair of footsteps echoed through the underground tunnels of the factory, almost mimicking the constant sounds of pickaxes being dug into the stone. The walking man looked around every once in a while, seemingly proud of whatever progress had been made.

"All is going well. Good, good." He said proudly, puffing on the cigar he held between his fingers. The woman next to him rolled her eye. The small lights of the tunnels glinted in the glasses he wore as he turned his head to glance at her. "Is there a problem?" He chuckled.

"If by 'well' you mean 'excruciatingly slow by dimwitted slaves', then yes."

"Would you like to join them then, Emmy?"

"Bloody hell, no. I'm still sore from lugging those damned carts around..." Emelia mumbled, reaching to rub behind her neck. The man next to her chuckled again, handing over his cigar. He stepped forward slightly as she took it, holding out his free arm.

"And yet you're still walking!" He chimed, looking back at her as she puffed on the cigar, herself. "We'll change that soon enough."

"I'm not working myself to death, Heisenberg." She huffed, picking up speed and shoving the cigar back into his face. "While factory productions are important to me too, perhaps learn the definition of a 'break', and not as in 'break my back'."

Karl took the cigar with amusement as she walked forward ahead, clearly heading back to the main building.

"First you tell me to work harder, then you say not at all." He mused, following closely. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I can do what I want?"

"And yet, what you want is what affects YOUR factory in the long run... Timing, Karl."

"You act as if you know more about MY factory than I do."

"And what do you know?"

"Everything."

"Good, then you know I'm heading upstairs to rest for a moment."

"I assumed so."

~

The two wandered along the corridors to a hall with stairs leading to a metal door, sharing the cigar before she went forward and kicked the door open, snorting as she heard an irritated grunt behind her.

"If you break that, you're fixing it." He muttered, setting his hammer down to the side as he took the cigar from her. She snorted, tossing her own weapon to the side, watching it land on a pile of fabrics used for either covering machinery or covering herself when she slept, whichever happened to come first.

"You say that as if it would be difficult." She retorted, taking her hair out of the tie it was in and running her hand through it before stretching slightly as he walked past her to sit in a chair next to a desk in the room they were in. It was similar to a bedroom, but not quite. 'More like an office with a small bed' , she always said, occasionally taking residence on said 'bed' when she was tired. She felt Heisenbergs eyes on her as her muscles stretched and popped, and she let out a satisfied groan.

"It wouldn't be, but you'll have to make a new one from scratch." He said, arching a brow as he leaned back in the chair. She rolled her eye, moving to stretch her arms in front of her.

"Again, not hard." She shrugged, finally moving towards the desk he was next to. "Making a door takes less brains than you already have."

"Are you calling me an idiot?"

"I'm not calling you a genius."

She almost laughed as she saw him pause before taking a long drag on the cigar.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear you say that." He sighed. She shrugged, leaning over the table and looking over the papers that had been laying on it.

"It's a joke, Heisenberg. I'll admit you're more intelligent than you let on." She said, moving the papers and other objects slightly while looking at them. She then paused as she held them, her eye going over the plans, x-rays, and sketches. "Did you leave out the other Soldat plans?"

"They're in with the cadou notes. I thought you would have seen them." He said simply, reaching for a manila folder on the corner of the table. He put the cigar in his mouth as he opened it and flipped through with a huff. "The new ones haven't been functioning properly, damn things... I'm thinking of rewiring the circuits to the brain.".

"Wouldn't that cause more damage than good?"

"Not if it's done properly." He chewed on the cigar for a moment before flipping over one of the papers. "The worst that could happen is the head exploding from the current. In that case-"

"Lycan food?" She suggested. He nodded in agreement.

"Lycan food. They're mostly useless to me otherwise..."

"As are most things..." she muttered, earning a glance. She looked back at him. "What? Am I wrong?"

"Not necessarily. Others do still have use."

"How?" She asked, turning to face him. "No head means no use."

He shrugged, tossing the folder back onto the table before leaning back in the chair.

"Replace certain muscle tissue and bones with pneumatic or hydraulic systems, whichever proves to be less of a pain in the ass that day, hot wire circuits to the remaining muscle structures, add an engine system into the chest with a strong battery..." he tilted his head slightly, almost as if he were picturing the plans in his head, thinking of more details as he went along. "They would quite literally be mindless, but a few shocks and currents would make them go just fine."

"Sounds a bit like you..." Emelia snorted, turning back to the table to organize the papers as he glared at her. "Shall I pick a few poor sods from the village to test this?"

"Or I could just use you..." he muttered.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Keep making your ass-backwards comments and see what happens." He shot back, finally pushing himself up to stand. "Yes, I'd like you to do that. Fresh bodies work best for the experiments. I'll send out the Lycans as well, given they don't tear them apart."

"That wouldn't matter anyway, Karl. You'll just stitch them back up like you always do."

"I could, couldn't I?" He started, taking a step closer to stand next to her with a sinister smile. "Or I could make YOU do it. You seem to have fun with tearing things apart and putting them back together-"

"I'm NOT sewing your bloody creations together." She interrupted. "I'll kill them and I'll tear them to shreds, or I'll assist with the inner workings of the mechanics. I don't sew."

"You'll learn."

"Like hell I will."

"I'll make you."

"Bullocks."

"Keep talking, Emelia." He dared, his voice lowering in a threatening manor. "I'm not in the mood."

"You were before we got here." She challenged. She only held her breath as he suddenly snuffed out the cigar on the table itself while his eyes seemed to stare directly through her.

"That's what happens when you keep insulting me, Emmy. I start to get angry. You know that."

She felt a chill down her spine at his voice. It was different from any other time she had aggravated him... It was as if she were in actual danger. His face was only inches away from hers, and he smirked once he noticed her hesitation.

"Scared, Emelia?"

She kept her eye on him, watching his movements carefully. No, No she wasn't in danger... Maybe.

"No." She replied, lifting her chin slightly as he arched a brow.

"Oh?"

"What is it you say to me...? I'm 'in a mood'...? Because I believe you're currently in one, yourself." She asked, finally moving forward and brushing past him in a nonchalant manor despite being somewhat stiff in her movements. "Drink some coffee and throw a few things around with that power of yours, you'll be fine."

She felt his eyes on her as she neared a cushioned chair against the wall.

"I'll throw YOU around..." He growled, taking amusement in her body slowing down as he spoke. He walked towards her as she turned to face him. "See how that pretty mouth works after your head goes through a wall."

"You forget I've stopped your hammer with my arm." She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest before smirking. "You smashing my head through a wall would be as effective as Sturm trying to hold something with his nubs."

"You don't seem to understand what I can do to you, Emelia."

"And you don't seem to understand the amount of fucks I don't give, Karl."

His arm twitched slightly, and she glanced over as metal pieces on the floor began to shake just slightly. She just hoped he wouldn't direct his power towards her...

"If you would like to play, I'll GLADLY entertain you."

She suddenly got in his face, a mischievous, antagonistic spark in the gold of her eye.

"Entertain me HOW? Throw me to the Lycans? The Varcolacs? Hell, let Urias get ahold of me, see what happens."

He bared his teeth in a snarl, though the corners of his mouth stayed in a malicious grin.

"I'll turn YOU into a goddamn Soldat, you'll be so full of metal you won't be able to FUNCTION without me-"

"I'm more afraid of your SISTER than I am you!"

Her smirk widened as she saw a sudden spark of anger in his face, his smile faltering.

"Don't you dare attempt to bring that bitch into this, I'll put my hammer straight into your skull-"

"TRY ME, THEN-" She started, only to give a yelping gasp in surprise as Heisenberg slammed her against the wall by her throat.

"Shut your damn hole!!!-" He snarled. His grip was tight, but he seemed to stop once he glanced at her open mouth. All of a sudden the air around them changed, and she stared at him with confusion in her one golden eye. "Oh, Emmy, you didn't tell me!" He said with a sudden cheerful tone, moving his hand from her throat to her jaw. He switched so quickly...

"Wh-" she began, only to stop as her jaw was yanked open. She was confused until she saw the reflection of her tongue piercing in his glasses.

Shit.

"Well well, I guess you've got some metal in you after all. I won't have to try as hard..." He chuckled, tilting his head as she stared at her own reflection. "What else are you hiding from me, Emmy?"

Her eye was wide in simultaneous fear and curiosity. She knew she couldn't have hidden the piercings forever, but certainly longer than this. She usually at least took the one out of her mouth when around him given how often they talked for this reason... But even then, he had never noticed it before. Why now?! She kicked herself for forgetting. She wanted to shove him away... Shove him and run. Would he chase her? He was most definitely trying to scare her, she knew that much... But she also wanted to know how far he would actually go if she did nothing. Would he rip them out if he found the others? Use them as control like he mentioned? Or would he leave her alone? Something told her the latter was out of the question as he showed growing interest in her silence.

"N-.... Nothing..." she managed, nudging her jaw out of his grip. "I just-"

"You're a liar, Emelia." He said, his grin growing wider. She gave a huff and shook her head.

"I am not, you ridiculous-"

She was stopped with a startled gasp as a gloved thumb was shoved between her jaws, nearly propping her mouth open.

"Now now, this'll go far easier if you do it my way. Now open up."

He lifted his other hand to his face, taking a finger of the glove between his teeth and sliding it off. The glove fell to the ground between them, and she watched as he reached for her face with his bare hand. She flinched slightly as his fingers pressed against her lower jaw, though admittedly relaxed as his thumb drifted over her bottom lip. The skin was expectantly rough, she found, calloused and covered in smaller scars. She closed her eye as it drifted over her sharp lower teeth before thrusting over her tongue, pushing it back and causing a small gaging reflex. It tasted... metallic... Metallic with hints of other things. Not quite metal, not quite blood... Maybe residual oil? Maybe a hint of the cigars. She couldn't tell exactly what it was, but the mixture wasn't bad... She really didn't mind much. She could almost feel the interested look on his face as she relaxed, though she attempted to hide it. Oh god, was she enjoying this...? She only flinched as he pressed his thumb against the muscle, pushing it out of her mouth somewhat to see the piercing fully.

"Let's see how much you're hiding from me, shall we?" He grinned.

There was a moment of confused silence before she felt his thumb press against the metal rod, her eye snapping open with a gasping yelp as what felt like electric sparks and currents traveled through that piercing, as well as the others.

All the others.

The sparks lasted only a second, but a second was all that was needed as her back arched slightly away from the wall. Heisenberg took a step back in surprise as Emelia suddenly collapsed to her knees, shaking and panting ever so slightly out of shock and... something else. She doubled over with a wide eye, an arm covering her chest and the other pressed against her abdomen and ever tightening thighs. What the hell WAS that...?! What the fuck did he do?!

"W-.... Wh-...." she tried, trying to voice her thoughts. But alas, despite the tingling feeling up her spine disappearing, she couldn't. She couldn't even move as she heard movement directly in front of her, the shock of the feeling only allowing her to look up as he grabbed her chin and lifted her face to meet his. She watched as he kneeled, only to look up and see the most smug grin she had ever seen.

"Liar liar, Emmy... You know how I hate liars." He chimed, adding to the smug aura he held. It pissed her off, but she couldn't do much about it now... She then grew nervous as he tilted his head, taking in her reaction fully as she stared at him with an ever-deepening red blush on her cheeks. "If I was more foolish, I'd say you enjoyed that."

"I-I... D-did NOT...!!" She snapped, stopping with a small squeak as he shoved his thumb back into her mouth to silence her.

He was met with another squealing whine as he pressed against the piercing once more, gleefully sending more currents through the metal pieces in her body. Emelia reached up to shakily grab his arm as the piercing was left alone once more, though the residual shock still remained. She wanted to say something... Say ANYTHING... but the feeling in her face, chest and thighs was so odd and... and good... It kept her silent, and Heisenberg took interest.

"Lycan got your tongue?" He joked, chuckling as she let out a growl. He found it amusing, of course. She only frowned as he tilted his head with the ever present smirk, his sharp teeth glinting in the dim light of the room. "You know, Emmy..." he started, yanking her forward by the jaw slightly as she kept her hold on his arm. "I can't help but wonder how it tastes."

She felt another shiver down her spine at the sickeningly curious tone in his voice. Taste... Taste?? She stared at him as he removed his thumb from her mouth, though nearly started to form words immediately in stupid curiosity. The answer came to her quickly, however, in the form of a hand around her neck, a mouth to hers, and being shoved against the wall once more. She made an almost strangled noise as her back hit the concrete, her mind attempting to play catch-up as she felt something being shoved into her mouth. More sparks traveled along the piercings as his tongue slid over hers, and she let out a whining growl in response.

The taste of metal and the slightest bit of sweetness filled her mouth, along with the taste of the cigar they had shared only minutes prior. But... Why did it taste so good? Why wasn't she fighting him? She found herself frozen for a few moments as the realization set in that she... truly enjoyed this. He couldn't have known, could he? There was no WAY he could have known... Oh god, what was wrong with her? She generally wanted to strangle the man, but now...

She allowed the frustration from earlier to bubble in her chest, giving her control of her limbs for a few moments. Heisenberg began to back off, thoroughly satisfied in her reactions and his 'taste test' before she suddenly grabbed the front of his jacket and yanked him back against her, giving a quiet grunt as her back was forced against the wall again with his weight. He was brought to his knees at the force of the tug, and it was her turn to feel satisfaction as a startled grunt left this throat.

Emelia returned the forceful kiss with all her strength, her back arching somewhat with the now consistent current from the piercings. Her legs shook slightly as she felt a warm feeling in her thighs from the current, unintentionally letting out quiet whimpers and heavy breaths into the kiss. His hand stayed pressed to her throat before he moved it to the side of her neck and shoved her head upwards with his thumb. He tore himself away to attack her neck immediately, licking along the skin before closing his jaws around it. She gasped as he moved along her neck, leaving bloody bites and bruises while using his free hand to nearly rip at her shirt. The fabric was pulled it from its tucked position, his grip tearing a few holes in the worn fabric as he held it taught away from her skin. She couldn't help it as her heavy breaths turned into pants, and she gripped his arm tighter as she felt the fabric continue to tear from a mixture of his grip and her squirming from the feeling between her legs. She shuddered as he finally pulled away from her now very bruised neck, his lips hovering right against her ear.

"Let me taste all of them, then." He growled, returning his hand to around her neck and squeezing along the bottom of her jaw.

Her squirming paused in his grip. 'Please, oh PLEASE-' she thought, secretly wishing to rip the shirt off, herself. But he couldn't know that... If he did, she knew he'd taunt her mercilessly. Not that he wasn't doing the same now... Instead she shook her head just slightly, trying to even out her breathing.

"W-Wait-" she started quietly, only to gasp once more as he finally tore the front of the shirt clean off from the seams. He tossed the fabric to the side as her back arched to meet the new air her front was exposed to, the newly revealed silver nipple piercings glinting as her body moved.

"Too late." He chuckled deeply, grabbing her by the side and bringing her chest forward as if he were claiming a prize.

He leaned down slightly, his arm wrapping around her as his mouth returned to her skin. He kissed and nipped to her shoulders and collarbone until his lips met the tip of the large scar that rested between her breasts. She swore she could almost see something flicker in his shade-covered eyes as he seemed to study it before nipping at it carefully. The nips were... oddly careful. It was as if he knew what it was... She managed to compose herself enough to speak, one of her hands moving to nudge his shoulder. She couldn't help but give a nervous gulp as he looked up at her, his eyes burning as if her touch had fueled the fire.

"N-... N-Not... um..." she tried, her voice oddly timid. She knew what was happening, though the idea made her nervous... "N-Not... here..."

"Hm?" He tilted his head slightly, loosening his grip on her neck. He then followed her gaze to the small 'bed' in the corner of the room- though it was more like a single mattress over a solid 'frame' with random odd pillows along the wall and multiple covers lumped on top. It was how she liked it.

"Th-There... uh..." she looked away for a moment, heavily aware her burning cheeks. "P-... P-Please..."

She could nearly feel his smile against her skin as he chuckled, though he didn't reply. It was then that she was suddenly picked up with a surprised yelp and tossed over his shoulder, her knees pressing against his sides to balance herself. She managed to hold on long enough before he walked to the 'bed', landing roughly onto it as she was tossed. She nearly scrambled to sit up until she looked up at him, watching him quickly close the space between them, removing his thick jacket and single remaining glove.

"Stay still, Emmy. The show is just getting started." He taunted, unbuttoning the long sleeve shirt he wore before kneeling onto the cushion and looming over her. She couldn't help as her vision traveled down what she could see of his chest, seeing similar scars along his skin.

She opened her mouth to speak, giving a quiet yelp as she was shoved into the sheets by her neck, her legs now situated around his waist. Her back arched as he leaned over, biting at her shoulder and collarbone once more before around one breast and onto the other. She gave a whining gasp as he reached the peak, his tongue swirling around the sensitive skin and the small bar of metal pierced through it, his teeth grazing the it ever so slightly. He used his other hand to trail along the scar on her chest and down to her pierced belly, his rough fingers caressing the skin until they pushed underneath the tied overalls. Her legs twitched as his fingers reached the piercing between them, feeling as it was surrounded by a moist warmth. He smirked.

"I knew it." He said, rubbing against the piercing and bundle of nerves with another jolt of electricity before removing his hand. She couldn't help the whine that left her throat as her hips bucked lightly from the feeling, and he chuckled. "Easy..." he muttered, returning the palm of his hand to her stomach and shoving her down.

He dug his fingers into the skin around the belly piercing as she glanced down, and she made another strangled noise as he sent another wide current through her piercings. Her back arched as he pressed harder to keep her down, though she was startled as he suddenly crushed his mouth against hers once more. The small currents pulsed in a slow rhythm as she returned the kiss, her legs shaking and tightening against his hips. She let out a soft cry against his lips as the pulses increased, her grip on his arm tightening and even pulling him closer as the waves of a small orgasm rushed through her in spasms. The feeling was strengthened with the addition of... something pressed to her thighs underneath their clothing. But the waves... The small spasms that affected the muscles of her back and legs... While it hadn't been something she had felt even when human, and while she knew what it was, all she knew was that it felt good. REALLY good...

She could have sworn up and down she hated the man at any point before this, but as he broke the kiss and pulled away to look at her, she couldn't help but feel... want? Desire? Whatever it was, she knew she didn't want it to stop at the moment, and that's all that mattered to her. She still didn't want to give in so easily... But god damn was this feeling hard to fight off.

"D-... D-Damn you..." she nearly whispered, her voice wavering slightly. She was met with an amused chuckle as he removed his glasses and lightly sent them to the table they had been at before.

"Just what I like to hear..." He taunted, removing his hand from her throat. "Tell me, Emmy... Do you want more? Feel free to say nothing if you do."

She stared at him as he gave another sly grin, opening her mouth as if to protest... But she couldn't. Instead, she remained silent, though gave an irritated, embarrassed huff as she glanced off to the side. Her lip curled into a silent snarl as he gave another chuckle.

"I thought as much." He replied, leaning up. His fingers were dragged along her skin as he moved, trailing along other scars that littered her skin.

She glanced down to follow his hands, watching as they trailed over her hips and around to her front where the knot in the tied mechanic suit she wore. With one quick movement it was untied and loosened, and she jumped as everything was suddenly pulled away and off of her hips, sliding down her thighs. She froze at the new rush of cool air surrounding the warmth between her thighs, and suddenly the entirety of the clothing was removed as he seamlessly pulled it away from her legs. Now she was completely bare in front of him... Exposed.

The desire to cover herself was overwhelming as she met his eyes, seeing the smugness and sense of possession he gave as he took in every visible inch of her skin. Her arms and legs twitched in an attempt to cover any vulnerable areas, but she suddenly found her arms pinned next to her head and his hips against the backs of her thighs to keep them open.

"Don't you dare." He grumbled, a smirk still on his face as he glanced down slightly before looking back up at her face. "I haven't tasted everything yet."

"Wh-..." she tried, her legs twitching again.

She was met with another kiss as he leaned down, though it didn't last long. She let out quiet pants as his lips and teeth moved along her jaw to her neck, leaving more bites and bruises among the ones that already stained the skin. Her arms twitched as he reached her breasts again, hit tongue repeating the same actions as before on both piercings before finally returning to the large scar running down her sternum. He planted light kisses and nips along it, earning her confusion as he continuously moved lower. She watched as he nipped along the skin of her stomach, the corner of her mouth twitching as he seemingly, almost playfully, gently bit the piercing in her belly and glanced up at her. She rolled her eye for a moment before he sent another current through the metals, and she let out a soft whimper. It wasn't until he let go and moved to kiss and bite around her hips and thighs that she realized, her head shooting up with slight panic as she felt his lips against the inside of her thigh.

"H-Hey-"

"Quiet Emmy." He purred, the tone of his voice making her freeze. She watched as he kissed the inside of her thigh once more, her head landing back against the cushion with a shuddering gasp as he bit along the sensitive skin. Her hand flew over her mouth as he moved closer to her core, whimpering as she felt his tongue gliding along the skin.

"K-Karl, wait-" she whimpered through her fingers, only to take in a sharp, gasping breath as she finally felt his tongue against her, moving slowly as if savoring her reactions.

She tried closing her legs, though found it nearly impossible due to his hands forcing them to stay where they were. She could almost feel the bruises form where his fingers pressed against the skin, though that feeling was second in her mind compared to the pleasured sparks up her spine with each movement of his tongue. She couldn't help as her hand left the sheets, finding its way to his head as he played with the small piercing through the bundle of nerves, sending small electric pulses through her body once more. She felt the vibration as he chuckled against her, gripping his hair with small gasps and whimpers as his tongue delved into the warmth. Her back arched slightly with each movement, her thighs shaking from the new sensations. Why did it feel so good...?! She let out a long whine as the electric pulses continued, eventually biting down on her hand as to attempt to prevent any further noises. She could feel the tightness return as his teeth grazed against the piercing, and suddenly her hand was gripping his hair in a fist as she came again, a multitude of muffled whines and mutterings of his name escaping her mouth while her back arched. She barely heard the grunt he gave as he was pressed against her, not even realizing as he was able to pull himself away.

She flinched as Heisenberg reached up to grab her wrist, her body shaking slightly as he managed to nudge her hand away. He ran a hand through his hair to smooth it out, rising to loom over her once more as he licked his lips. Where the actual FUCK did he learn that?!

"That hurt, Emmy." He purred, keeping his grip on her wrist as she finally looked at him. Her face was red as she panted, her legs trembling as they rested against his hips once more. "Good girl."

He smirked as she stared up at him, his tongue swiping over his teeth before he leaned over and yanked her other wrist from her mouth, pinning both of them to the cushion beside her head. Her breath caught in her throat at the sudden movement, her eye widening as it met his. There was a moment of silence as they held a stare down, only ending as he shifted her wrists into one hand and used the other to undo the belt and button of his own pants in one swift motion. It took her a moment to register the movement, keeping eye contact once the full realization of just how far- and how fast- this was about to go hit her. She squirmed slightly in his grip as she glanced down, nearly breaking said grip, only to get caught in yet another rough kiss as she felt something warm press against her thighs. She could taste herself on his tongue, and somehow it made her arousal worse...

She let out a whining groan as she was rubbed against, her back arching once more at the new feeling, only to give a surprised and somewhat pained cry against his lips as she felt him enter her quickly and fully with a grunt. She gasped into the kiss as he returned his hand to her neck, her back arching into his chest and her thighs once again tightening around his waist. More of the pleasurable feeling shot up her spine as he moved a few times, pressing against her roughly as she gave small whimpers and whines. It felt... good... so good. Why did it feel good? Why did all of this just feel GOOD? What the hell was she missing from her old life that didn't include THIS?? She couldn't help the small moan she gave as the kiss was broken, and he shoved his hips against hers. He tightened his fingers around the sides of her neck with a sly smirk as he stayed where he was. Although the glint in his eyes may have looked malicious, his actions proved otherwise as he allowed her a few seconds to relax.

"Am I being too rough with you, Emmy?" He asked, his smirk widening into a grin as she mindlessly shook her head, though it was more like a few twitches.

"N-... No... N-Not rough enough..." she growled with a challenging tone, though her voice was still light. She was met with a dangerous chuckle.

"Good."

Emelia glared up at him with a somewhat clouded eye, her breaths coming in light pants that turned into gasps and moans as his movements continued, growing faster and harder with each passing second. She struggled to keep her voice down despite the feeling of each thrust sending sparks into her chest. The sounds of his low grunts and deep breathing weren't helping, she found, and it made it much more difficult to control her own pleasured noises. She was then aware of a low laugh from him.

"Ah... I didn't think... you could sound like THIS, Emmy...~" He purred, his grip on her neck tightening. She opened her mouth, nearly flinching as she let out more soft moans.

"S-... S-Shut...." she tried, though was unable to finish any thought with her gasps and whines.

Her arms struggled in his grip, shaking with each thrust, only to suddenly be freed as he let go in order to take ahold one of her hips. She mindlessly reached for him almost immediately, gripping the edge of his shirt with one hand and grabbing the necklaces around his neck with the other in order to yank him down. She was rewarded with another rough kiss, her head being jerked up as he kept a hand around her throat. She let go of the necklaces, instead reaching under his shirt, her fingers trailing over his own scars until her nails dug into his back. There was an internal satisfaction as she heard Heisenberg give a surprised grunt, only to give a yelping cry as he suddenly pulled away to replace his hand around her neck with his teeth.

Small sparks of pain made their way through her shoulder as his teeth broke the skin, though they seemed to amplify the feeling as the thrusts became rough and quick. She finally reached her other hand around and under the shirt he wore, her nails dragging down the skin of his back as her moans and whines grew louder.

"F-... FuCK...! K-Karl...!!" She said suddenly, her voice cracking somewhat as she was met with a possessive growl and the slight smell of fresh blood as he let go of her neck. She couldn't help but gasp as she felt his cheek against hers, his beard scratching against her skin as his lips nearly against her ear.

"You're MINE, Emelia..." He growled.

Emelia felt as more pulsing currents were sent through her piercings, and she couldn't help but cry out as the pulses caught her by surprise. Her muscles tensed, her nails tearing at Heisenbergs back as she felt the waves of a strong orgasm, making her body shake and her legs flex around his waist. Her thighs tightened at his hips, halting him enough to keep him where he was as she came, but not long enough to stop him entirely. He let out a low growl as he kept up his movements until he slammed against her hard enough to move her up a few inches. She gave a gasping moan as could feel his muscles shudder and a strange warmth in the pit of her stomach as he filled her, and her back arched against his chest as she nearly hugged him to her for dear life.

There was small silence as their movement ceased, each breathing heavily. Emelia held onto the man over her as if it meant life or death, momentarily forgetting her irritation around him in the first place as there was a sudden feel of lips along her neck in a multitude of small kisses. They were gentle against her bruised skin... The odd tickle of the facial hair made the corner of her mouth twitch as she panted, unintentionally laying her head to the side for him as she very slowly but surely relaxed. Her irritation only slightly returned as she heard a chuckle from her neck, and she glanced down.

"Th' bloody hell is so funny...?" She muttered, unable to keep the lightness from her voice. She watched as he looked up from her neck, a sly smile across his still bloody lips.

"You're adorable, Emmy." He said simply, making her groan and start to push him away.

"Piss off...!!" She growled, only to gasp as he suddenly leaned over her with a chuckle, nearly being pushed into the mattress again as he finally slipped off the button-up shirt.

"Precious little doll, you didn't seem to hear what I said."

'Doll' ...? Emelia stared at him, now also shirtless, taking in the rest of the scars she had never seen. She could feel her face heat up more as he leaned over her, holding himself up with his hands on either side of her shoulders.

"Wha-" she started, only to let out a gasping yelp as he gave a single hard thrust to silence her.

"I told you, Emelia. You're mine. In more ways than one, it seems." He nearly purred, leaning down to press his nose to hers.

Her single eye widened as he grinned, only to be met with a quick, relatively gentle kiss. It took a moment for her to calm down before she returned it, staying where she was and secretly holding herself to that proclamation. She didn't want to admit it... She never would. But somehow, despite how he could be, this made her feel... wanted. It was an odd feeling, and one she knew she would be hesitant on getting used to. But she still hated him... Right?

She gave a soft whine as he pulled away, physically removing himself from her with a shuddering breath. She let out a whimper as she relaxed back against the covers, feeling an odd coldness and even a slight sense of loneliness as his weight left the mattress. She opened her eye with confusion and watched as his pants were fixed before her vision trailed up his back to see the bloody scratches she had left.

"Whoops..." she muttered, earning a chuckle and a glance back.

"I'll let you relax for now, Emmy. I don't wanna break you just yet..." He joked, nodding to the shirt he had left. "Use that for now, we'll get you another shirt later."

She couldn't help but smirk, her face red.

"Done already...?" She asked, her smirk faltering heavily as he glanced back with an odd mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Never said I was, Doll. This is for your sake."

Emelia watched as he began to walk to the jacket he had left, but she felt... sad. Not because he had stopped. Not even because she almost wished they would keep going immediately... No, it was another reason she couldn't quite place with every step away he took. She carefully pushed herself to sit up, wincing at the tenderness that settled between her legs before reaching for her discarded jumpsuit. But she only grabbed the simple boxers she had, managing to slip them on with minimal issue. She saw him slow his movements as she managed to stand, her knees just the slightest bit weak. Holding on to a support beam on the wall, she shakily made her way over to him as he glanced at her with an odd curiosity. She didn't care if she was entirely naked save for underwear, simply covering her chest with her arm as she reached for him. She stumbled into his back, feeling his muscles tense as her arms slowly wrapped around his torso, her fingers lightly drifting along the hair and scars on his chest.

"Don't you dare leave me like this, Heisenberg..." she muttered, pressing the scarred half of her face against his back. She knew he could feel her trembling as her legs threatened to collapse on her.

There was a moment of silence before she heard and felt him chuckle.

"You really are an odd one, Emmy..." He chuckled, turning his head to glance at her over his shoulder before giving a dramatic sigh. "Have it your way, then."

Emelia jumped as he suddenly turned in her arms, her cheeks going red as his face was suddenly mere inches away from hers. What was she DOING? Why she acting this way? She didn't know... But she was pleasantly stunned as she felt his hand raise and nudge her chin gently. However, instead of it going around her neck again as she expected, he simply caressed her cheek, avoiding the scars around her missing eye; Even he knew she hated them being touched, and now didn't seem like the best time to annoy her. In fact, he almost enjoyed her more when she was calm like this... She couldn't help but feel relaxed as the rough pad of his thumb brushed over her skin. Relaxed enough to settle her cheek into his hand fully, ever so slightly trying to remind herself that this wasn't who he was all the time. This was temporary... But she could do temporary.

"... Don't tell anyone..." She muttered suddenly, keeping her hold on him as he leaned back against the shelving next to them to stay comfy. He chuckled once more.

"Who do I have to tell, Emmy?" He chimed. She stared at him for a moment before shrugging, laying her head against his chest.

It was a moment of domesticity that she vaguely remembered wanting as human... Something about someone being close physically always seemed tantalizing, yet there was no way to achieve it here... Or so she thought. If she could just have more time like this... Though she knew it wasn't meant to last, especially not with him... But for now, she appreciated it. It wasn't until her senses focused on the machinery noises outside of the room that she gave a sigh, reluctantly pulling away from him.

"I should get back to work, then..." she mumbled, taking a few steps away, her fingers dragging along his chest before she turned, not seeing Heisenbergs face as he watched her walk away and run a hand through her hair to push it out of her face.

She made her way over back to the bed-like cushion, absent-mindedly picking the button-up shirt he had been wearing and slipping it on, herself. She'd take it since he offered, and because she didn't necessarily feel like hunting down new clothing. It was only slightly loose over her frame, being only slightly smaller than him in stature, and she felt his eyes burrow into her back as she buttoned it up. Quiet footsteps approached her from behind, causing her to jump with a small gasp as arms surrounded her while the shirt was only halfway buttoned. Heisenberg pulled her back against his chest, one hand on her hip and the other around the front of her waist.

"What are you-" she started, only to stop as the arm around her waist raised to nudge the collar of the shirt off her shoulder, placing gentle bites and kisses along the skin as soon as it was shown. Small shivers went up her spine with the movements, and she let out a wavering breath in attempts to not laugh from the tickling of his beard. "K-Karl, stop-"

"I never told you to get back to work..." He said simply, his now semi-serious tone interrupting he train of thought and causing any hint of laughter to disappear. He trailed kisses and bites to her jaw and her ear once more. "Indulge me then, Emmy, and I'll let you go. Let me have my fill."

Her face fell slightly. His fill... Did he mean...?

"W-What, be your toy until you're done?" She huffed, turning her head slightly to face him. Though he was on her blind side, she could almost feel the grin.

"Well, when you put it that way..." he started, letting his hands wander. One trailed under the shirt slightly, his fingers drifting below her belly, while the other found and gave a gentle squeeze to a now exposed breast from the shirt being moved before resting over the large scar. "Yes. But don't worry. I take care of my toys... I said I wouldn't break you so soon. And besides..." he pressed another gentle kiss behind her ear, "You seem like you want more. Am I wrong?"

Emelia took a shaky breath as she felt the odd sensations once more, reaching to hold onto his forearms as his hands moved. Well, of COURSE he was right... She knew there wasn't much else she would have to do around the factory today anyway. She worked constantly, and the factory ran relatively smoothly without her. She even came here for a break, anyway... And, despite her feelings about him, what the man had just shown her was... Well, her legs still held a slight wobble. To say she wanted more was an understatement. And so, she have a small huff and looked forward, tilting her head to allow him at her neck.

"... Go ahead..." she muttered, her voice an embarrassed tone. She felt his grin against her neck taking a breath as he gave a small, rough bite.

"You won't regret it, Emmy."

She gave a small, joking snort.

"I'll believe you if you can prove it, Karl..."

"Oh, even after what I've just shown you?" He played, his lips pressing to her neck once more. She said nothing, only somewhat easing against his chest with a huff. She rolled her eye as he chuckled, though her breath caught in her chest as his hand left the scar, letting his fingers trail up and along her throat. "I didn't think I would have to prove anything."

"You never do..." she muttered suddenly, only to close her mouth as she felt him freeze behind her. Where the hell did that come from...??

"Oh?"

She was silent for a moment before clearing her throat.

"Th-That, ah..." she started, only stopping as he grabbed her throat and pulled her to him roughly.

"What?" He growled, ever so slightly moving them forward. She took shaky steps, following his direction.

"N-Not... what I... mean..." she finally managed, glancing down with a quick breath as she felt the edge of the work table against the front of her thighs.

"Hm. What did you mean then, Emmy?"

"I..." she tried, though was unable to find her voice. What was this rush of excitement...?? The tone of his voice sent chills down her spine as he nibbled at her shoulder while awaiting a response. She then decided to just speak. What could go wrong?

"I-I mean...." she managed, gaining a smirk and holding onto his arm. She could feel as he tilted his head in curiosity. "You haven't quite done so thus far, how am I to believe you could...?" she continued, feeling his grip tighten. Good. She pulled away from him slightly to aggravate him. "You always need to prove yourself Karl, you won't get far without it-"

She was stopped with a surprised grunt as she was suddenly shoved down against the table, giving a surprised grunt of pain as her chin hitting it with a light *thunk* . He kept his hand between her shoulders, using his weight to keep her down as she moved to rub her jaw. Her hand was then suddenly yanked away as he twisted her arm behind her back, earning an uncomfortable grunt.

"Bloody hell- H-hey-!"

"I don't give proof, huh?" He growled suddenly, leaning down over her to talk into her ear. "I assure you, Emelia, I have all the proof you need."

She opened her mouth to speak, only to shut it with a surprised noise as he suddenly bit down on her neck and yanked her towards him. The backs of her thighs hit his hips, and she let out a small, surprised whimper. He slipped his fingers under the waistline of her underwear with his free hand, taunting her by slowly dragging them down. There was a sudden spark at her piercings once more while her lower half squirmed, and she couldn't help but give a small, moaning whine as she felt the sparks increase. Waves of pleasure traveled up her spine, causing her back to arch into the table somewhat and nearly bite her bottom lip until it bled. Small goosebumps covered her skin as she felt her underwear finally fall to her ankles. It wasn't until she felt him adjust himself behind her that she attempted to look to the side, only to be met with a growl and his teeth digging into the skin more.

She could smell the blood as it began to seep from between her skin and his teeth... It made her head swim as she finally felt him rub against her roughly, the small sparks of pain from his teeth adding to the odd pleasure she was feeling. He removed his teeth from her neck for a moment to speak into her ear, sending more shivers down her spine.

"I've got your 'proof' right here." He purred, his smirk nearly audible. He shoved her down again once more. "HERE!!"

He gave a rough thrust forward as he spoke, filling her quickly once again and earning a yelping moan; but this time, he didn't stop. A mixture of pain and pleasure racked her body as he kept up the rough thrusts, simultaneously twisting her arm more behind her back to hold her there. She couldn't stop the now loud moans and whines she gave as she panted, nearly digging her nails into the metal table supporting her. She could feel the pulses of her muscles threatening to tighten and mutate as she was slammed into nearly mercilessly, her fingers creating small dents in the material as she forced her mutation back once she felt a familiar flutter in her chest. He seemed to notice, letting out a low chuckle through his own grunts and growls.

It wasn't long before she felt the sudden waves of an orgasm, making her give a loud cry as she shifted under him, pressing back against him for a moment. She reached forward quickly and gripped the edge of the table, easily denting and nearly crushing it in her grip with light cries as he continued his thrusts through the tightening spasms. Her body shook while he didn't slow down. Instead, he increased his movements, and she almost felt tears come to her eye with the overwhelming sensation.

Her other arm was suddenly freed as he moved to grip both of her hips, leaning down to bite at her shoulder once more with low grunts and growls. He kept going... Oh god, he kept going. She couldn't speak, the only noises leaving her throat being whines and cries. She couldn't help but lean into his jaw, almost begging him for more despite the overstimulation. Her neck was bitten multiple times as if she were being marked, each bite breaking the skin with ease. Beads of blood slowly dripped from the wounds and over her skin every time he let go, only to feel his teeth elsewhere. She felt tightness below her belly once more as she let out a wavering cry of his name, only to be met with slower thrusts and a growl at her ear.

"What do you want, Emelia?" He growled, his voice low and strained. She couldn't help but squirm and push back against him with whining whimpers as he slowed more, quickly becoming frustrated and seemingly desperate. No... No, why was he stopping... Why was he slowing down?!

"N-.. N-No...!! D-Don't- fuck- D-Don't slow-...!!" She managed, earning a dangerous chuckle.

"Tell me Emelia, or I swear to God I'll stop right NOW." He played. She could hear the smirk in his voice as he spoke. She knew this was amusing to him... It was payback for her insults. Her body shook out of desperation and anger as the thrusts slowed considerably, and she put her forehead against the table with a growling whine. He held her hips in place against the table to prevent her from moving against him. She couldn't take it anymore... She wouldn't even try to fight it. It was as if she were being denied a prize, and she hated it already.

"F-Fuck- I-" she started, barely able to get words out, "Y-YOU Heisenberg, you bloody idiot!!! I want YOU!!!" She finally yelled, her voice cracking somewhat. "J-Just... D-Don't... Don't FUCKING stop!!! Fuck- PLEASE!!"

She could almost feel the pride-filled smirk he gave in knowing he had won, but she didn’t care... Her little outburst gave her slight confidence as he chuckled, his last breath coming as a low growl.. She jumped as she suddenly felt an arm around her waist, roughly pulling her back towards him as his other hand reached to pin and hold hers as if keeping her in place. A wavering whine left her lips as he gave a possessive growl, looming over her with obvious intent.

"Good girl." He grumbled, only giving her a chance to inhale before returning to the powerful, near brutal thrusts from before, pulling her to him with each movement.

She didn't even attempt to hide her voice again, her cries and moans growing louder with each passing second. She almost didn't want the feeling to end, allowing herself to melt into him as her back arched into his chest.

"D-Don't... D-Don't stop... F-FUCK- Don't stop...!!!" She repeated, her voice wavering with uneven pants and gasps.

"You. Are. MINE." He suddenly growled in her ear, not letting her respond before biting into her shoulder once more.

More electric pulses were sent through her piercings, nearly making her scream while gripping the hand over hers. The orgasm she felt then was strong, traveling through her body in waves and overstimulation as the pulses continued. The feeling was amplified as he kept moving for a few seconds, finally pressing her roughly against the table with a loud, wavering growl and swear as he came as well. She let out another gasping moan as she felt him twitch inside of her, shuddering with the light warmth she felt at the pit of her stomach.

The room was filled with the sound of their panting and deep breaths as their rode their highs, and Emelia finally relaxed against the table with a shaky, satisfied sigh while still panting. She felt... good. Great, actually... Very sore now, as well as numb, but good nonetheless. It was as if any frustration she felt had melted away with the thin layer of sweat on her body. She gave a quiet whimper as she felt Heisenberg shift somewhat. He removed his jaws from her shoulder, nudging her head and pressing his cheek against hers as his grip on her loosened to allow her to relax more.

"Are you alright, Emmy?" He asked quietly, his voice low and catching her off guard enough to flinch. She only made a small, confused noise as she glanced over. He chuckled, catching a glimpse of the residual pleasured tears that stained her cheek. He reached over, dragging his thumb over her skin to wipe them away. "Is that a yes?"

She kept her eye on him for a moment before giving a small nod and setting her head back on the table. She attempted to shift, but found her body was... unable to move. The numbness had begun to turn into the feeling of being a puddle, she found. Her muscles shook as she tried to push herself up, and she almost collapsed under him. He nearly laughed while kept his grip on her waist, keeping her upright while he watched in interest.

"Would you like some help?"

"N... N-No, I..." she tried, her voice quiet. There was silence for a moment before she gave a shaky sigh, putting her head down once more in defeat. "... y-yes..."

"I thought so." He chuckled, finally pulling himself away with a quiet grunt. She could hear the amusement in his voice. "Alright. Keep steady, now."

Emelia glanced back as he partially adjusted himself, not bothering to fully fix his pants before he let go of her waist. A small panic entered her chest as her legs began to collapse under her, barely able to use the table to keep herself up before she felt him at her side. Her body shook as she tried to lean up once more, reaching to hold on to Heisenbergs arm as he draped it across her shoulders. He didn't even flinch as she leaned her full weight on him, and he chuckled.

"Come on, then." He said, suddenly leaning down once she was fully off the table. She let out a surprised yelp as he swept his other arm behind her knees, bringing her up into a cradling position against his chest as she held onto him tightly. She tightened her grip more as he started to walk, her face red. "Something wrong?" He asked, amusement thick in his voice. She watched his movements, only somewhat relaxing as they neared the bed.

"N-No..." she replied quietly, slowly easing herself in a sitting position the tattered covers as he set her down, wincing again at the soreness she felt. While the fabrics weren't always the best for relaxing, right now they were comforting, and a godsend for her shaking muscles. She then jumped as he sat down himself before he laid beside her with a huff. She stared at him for a moment as he held his arm out for her. What was he doing...?

"Well?" He asked expectantly, raising a brow as she looked confused.

"... what?"

He rolled his eyes.

"You're wearing my shirt Emmy, the least you could do is lay down."

"What-" she started, only to look down. "O-Oh... um..." She had admittedly forgotten what she had been wearing, and sheepishly pulled the shirt over her now throbbing shoulders and neck. She then adjusted herself on the mattress with a quiet grunt. "Ok..."

"NOW you're embarrassed??" He asked, nudging her arm slightly. "Should I describe, in detail, what I just did to you?"

She glared at him and gave a small huff as she managed to lay down.

"Shut up..." she mumbled, somewhat begrudgingly cuddling onto his chest as he smirked.

"It was an honest question."

Emelia only grumbled in response, though relaxed as she felt his arm go around her. She adjusted her head on his chest, pausing as she felt a heartbeat. It was slow and rhythmic, lulling her into a relaxed breathing pattern. He glanced at her as her arm wrapped over his chest as well, though he froze as she mindlessly began to trace over some of the smaller scars over his skin. She watched her own fingers move, an amused smile creeping on her face as she felt him tense and relax at her touch. She tilted her head slightly as she heard a light grumbling from his chest, her fingers pausing. He shifted under her, and she looked up to meet his eyes.

"What...?" She asked, resuming the movements. She watched as his eyes traveled between her and her fingers multiple times, his breathing easy with small grumbles in each inhale.

"Nothing." He replied simply, only to lift his chin slightly in confusion as she moved her hand to the scar across his neck. She felt his breath hitch as she traced it, and he looked at her again. "What are you doing, Emmy?"

"Nothing." She copied, almost laughing as he rolled his eyes.

"Don't get soft on me now Emelia, just earlier you were threatening me." He snorted.

"I still can if you would rather that."

"Hm. No, I'd rather fuck you again."

She went silent for a moment, her face heating up once more with embarrassment. "You said you wouldn't break me." She huffed.

Heisenberg gave a chuckle before turning to face her, gaining a smirk when she looked at him in surprise.

"I won't. I can't, actually." He said matter-of-factly, suddenly pushing her shoulder to have her lay on her back. She jumped, staring up at him in a stunned silence. "That doesn't mean I can't try. I haven't had that much fun in years, and I know you're durable. So am I."

"I-I can tell..." Emelia managed, clearing her throat slightly. Well, she knew he had a point... Despite being sore, she still felt oddly energized... Sure, the light exhaustion was there, but she knew she would have gone back to work immediately if she were physically able to. And she had to admit... She enjoyed this. It felt... normal. Almost.

She kept her eye on him for a moment before taking a breath. Was she really debating on this? The reality of the current situation hit her full force like Sturm on a rampage. She was silent for another moment before gulping slightly.

"What... What is... 'this' , exactly...?" she asked, her voice quiet. Karl drew back slightly, caught off guard by the question.

"Excuse me...??"

"I... You... You piss me off, Heisenberg..." she started, her arms resting at the sides of her head. Each movement of her shoulders resulted in a dull pain from his teeth, and his mouth twitched as he realized. She paused as she saw the smallest... tiniest twinge of regret in his eyes. But she shook her head, looking down at herself.

"I don't... I've been here for... only a short time compared to you, Karl... And now I... We do... THIS..." she continued, looking back up at him as he held his place over her. "What are we doing...?"

It was his turn to stay silent, obviously contemplating his answer. She had seen the same look on his face when discussing important factory matters... It almost made her feel better.

"What do you want from it?" He asked finally, tilting his head with a light shrug. She blinked.

"... What?"

He rolled his eyes, giving a small smirk.

"Ah, who's asking the hard questions now?" He played, chuckling as she glared at him. "I don't quite care what this leads to, I know what my goals are." He explained. "What are yours? What do YOU want out of it?"

"I..." she started, looking to the side. "... I don't know."

"Then don't worry about it!"

"But I-"

"Look, Emelia. If you can't figure it out, then focus on something else. Is it really worth wasting the energy if you don't know right away?" He asked.

She was silent. He... He was right.

"That... That's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say."

She nearly laughed at his insulted expression.

"Hey-"

"I'm joking, Metalhead..." She sighed with a small smile. There was silence for a moment before she finally gave a huff. "Just... For now just..."

"Come on, we don't have all day." Heisenberg joked, smirking as she glared at him.

"... Shut up you daft idiot." She growled finally, reaching to yank him down by his necklaces.

The movement startled him, but he seemed to know exactly what to do as his lips met hers with a light chuckle. The kiss was... gentle, oddly enough, but she relaxed once more under him. Light shivers traveled up her spine as she felt his fingers travel along her skin. The shirt was fully unbuttoned once again and nudged to her sides, and she took a deep breath as she felt the air on her chest. She only whined as her legs were moved, making him pause. There was a soreness between them from his roughness beforehand, sending small waves of a low, pulsing pain through her body. He gave a questioning hum against her lips, and she spoke against his.

"Sore..." she admitted quietly, feeling his amused smile.

"Good." He replied simply, adjusting himself and his pants to rest between her thighs. Emelia let out a quiet whimper as she was rubbed against, her legs shaking against his hips and her arms reaching out to his onto and wrap around his shoulders.

The dull throbbing sensation continued as he pushed into her once more, earning a somewhat pained whine as her back arched. It hurt... But the feeling lessened to a light sting after a few seconds, and she took lighter breaths. She couldn't help but wonder as he stayed still, his words and question playing in her mind as he returned to his position of leaning on his forearms over her. What DID she want from this...? Did she truly wish for any sort of stability from this? Or just survival? Maybe this was the first and last time she'd experience this, or maybe it would be regular. Did she WANT it to be regular, though? She didn't know... All she knew was that his touch swung wildly between rough and gentle every time he touched her, even before this. He always switched between harsher interactions and kind ones, making her angry and thankful at the same time. And yet, when he touched her NOW... Even while over the table, it was almost careful, hesitant to push her too far even while leaving bruises in her skin. Somehow, while sharing this intimacy, he was a perfect mix of the two. And somehow, it calmed her and even gave a small hope in the back of her mind.

Her thoughts stopped, letting out a breathy moan into the kiss as he started moving, this time at a slow pace. This time she kept her arms around him, hugging him close enough for their bare chests to press against each other. Her breaths and moans came from a different sort of pleasure, almost willing to believe that sharing this with him would allow some sort of normalcy. Her nails dug into his shoulders as he set a careful, hard rhythm, one of his arms moving down to press his hand against her stomach.

A single second passed before Heisenberg sent a low pulse of electricity through her body and piercings, causing her back to arch as she pulled away from the kiss with a gasping whine. She felt as he lowered his head with a low groan, starting to kiss and nibble along her jaw. Her nails dug into his back as his movements increased somewhat, creating more scratches to match the ones he already had. Her voice came out in quiet whines and moans into his ear as she clung to him. Sure this was making the soreness worse, but she almost couldn't tell between the low pulses and thrusts coming from the man. Her body shook while simultaneously encouraging more. She WANTED more... She already admitted as much to herself. Another whine escaped her lips as he nibbled just below her ear.

"Fuck, Emmy...~" he nearly purred into her ear, lifting her hips slightly and switching to smaller quick thrusts.

"K-... K-Karl-! F-FUCK-" she managed, her voice breaking somewhat as she allowed her legs to loosen at his sides to bring him closer. She whimpered as he suddenly leaned up, her nails digging and sliding down to his biceps before gripping them as she felt a familiar tightness below her belly; he could feel it, too.

Emelia suddenly held her breath in a surprised, wavering gasp as he slid his hand up her body from the belly piercing, his fingers dragging along the large scar on her chest before lingering and pressing against the sides of her neck. Her whines and moans continued, even as his hand moved higher to her jaw. She then jumped as his thumb pushed past her parted lips, resting on her tongue. She attempted to look up at him, but found it difficult to even keep her eye open... Heisenberg gave a low chuckle at the sight, pushing on her jaw slightly. He didn't even have to say a word as her mouth nearly closed around his thumb. Her whines and whimpers grew louder and her grip on him tightened, and she could only gasp as he pulled his thumb from her mouth and replaced it with his own.

The kiss was returned instantaneously, followed by her wavering, now muffled cry as she finally came once more. He grunted into the kiss as she tightened around him, her legs wrapping around his waist once more while her back arched. She wrapped her arms fully around his shoulders with overstimulated whines as his pace quickened before he finally let out his own wavering moan against her lips. She joined him with her own moan as he shoved his hips against hers, feeling the warmth enter her as he rode out his own orgasm with shaking muscles. God, it felt... It felt good... The warmth and twitching from him kept her whines going as they panted, her body shaking under him.

Both were silent for several moments, the kiss lessening to gentle movements before breaking.

"D-... D-Damn..." Emelia nearly squeaked, her head rolling to the side as her jaw was nuzzled.

"Hm. Are you alright?" Heisenberg asked, earning a small nod.

"... gonna be sore..." she replied quietly, relaxing somewhat as he kept his face against hers. He chuckled.

"You wanted it."

"Shush..." she huffed. Her breathing eased, feeling his smile against her skin. This was... Nice, she had to admit... An uncomfortable whine left her lips as he began to push himself up and away, only pausing as her legs twitched around him to keep him there. "N-No... stay..." she whined, watching as he raised a brow. "... P-Please..."

"I've never heard you say 'please' this much." He joked, earning a light glare. But he simply returned to his place over her with an amused chuckle, nearly laying on her.

She was relaxed despite nearly his entire weight on her torso, though she had no issues. He was really warm... She could almost purr with the warmth both on top of and inside her, the feeling relaxing her to the point of her limbs going lax around him. She felt him chuckle against her skin, taking a breath as his lips found her bruised neck. But her mind wandered elsewhere, and she found herself pressing her cheek to his.

"Can we... Not talk about this...?" She asked quietly, earning a confused hum as he glanced at her.

"Oh? What do you mean?"

"J-Just... Um..." she tried, turning her head to look at him. "M-Maybe this could be... just... stress relief...?"

She jumped as Heisenberg shifted, his face now hovering over hers with their noses together.

"Just stress relief?" He asked, amusement dancing in his eyes as her face reddened. "Is that what you want?"

She simply nodded, her fingers traveling over small scars that covered his upper back and shoulders. 'For now...' she thought. Wait, 'for now'...?? Did she really mean that...? She was pulled out of her thoughts as he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead.

"Then so be it." Heisenberg said simply, meeting her gaze. She stared up at him before nodding and taking a breath. But he moved before she had a chance to even think, wrapping his arm around her waist. "Hold on."

"What-" she tried, only to cling to him with a surprised yelp as he pushed against the mattress to lean up with her against his chest. She let out a light whine as she was shifted on him, small sparks shooting up her spine as she was settled against his hips while he sat and leaned back against the wall. He couldn't help but smirk as she let out a whimper, her legs twitching. "Better?"

"I..." she tried, though couldn't manage words as she felt him shift against her to make himself comfortable. So she simply nodded before leaning against his chest.

It was his turn to freeze as she nuzzled to his neck, giving a pleased sigh as his arms hesitantly went around her waist. She relaxed against him, enjoying the warmth he gave and the feeling of his arms around her.

"... You're warm..." she said quietly, earning a surprised chuckle.

"I would almost hope so." He replied, reaching up and under the shirt she still wore to drag his fingers along small scars on her back. He smiled as she relaxed. "I'm going to assume you're not moving any time soon?"

He nearly laughed as she nodded against his shoulder.

"Fair assumption..." she mumbled, closing her eye.

While she wasn't necessarily tired, there was a sliver of exhaustion in her chest. She had to admit, there was still pain from the bite marks that now covered her neck and shoulders, and the soreness of her legs came as a dull throbbing. But she oddly didn't mind... She held her breath as she realized her enjoyment of this. The touches, the intimacy... Even the dull pains she felt. Maybe she didn't even mind HIM...

No, no... She DID mind him. Did she...? She still found him infuriating... But the way he held her now was... Well, it made her question quite a bit.

She finally sighed, relaxing fully against him. She focused on his touches against her back instead of the thoughts in her mind, willfully ignoring them for once. She'd enjoy what she had for now... Her attention went to the sounds of his heart and distant machinery, letting them lull her into a light sleep. She didn't NEED she sleep at the moment, but to her, it was almost perfect.

She only hoped it would stay that way.

[matan4il]

Hello again! It's the newbie here.

I feel bad for missing out these new S5 episodes cause God Buddie is just so lovely in these past few episodes recently. I have been busy with my semester and I haven't caught up with the show yet. Currently I managed to reach S2 of part 2 of the earthquake episode.

I have been trying to avoid major spoilers ever since I decided binge everything again. But from the context that I have glance so far, it seems to be going well. I worry though cause I can feel myself getting attach to this show like how I was to other fandoms before this and I then get sad when I'm reminded that those said fandoms didn't fall through and ended badly. This show and the characters have made me happy and I just don't want my expectations to ruin this. Yeah, just wanted to share something that's been in my mind for a while now.

Besides that, can't wait to read your recent S5 metas when I do manage to catch up. I love reading your thoughts.

Also, I believe you have another blue noonie somewhere around here so to the other lovely blue heart noonie, hello! I hope this is not confusing to you both and I apologize if I somehow made it worse. Hope you both have lovely day / night wherever you are. 💙💫

Oh yeah, another thing to add to that...I apologize if I just spelled Nonnie wrong? Noonie? It's adorable so my apologies if I got it wrong. Ok bye. *hides* 💙💫

Hi lovely! Oh no, I didn’t realize I had two blue heart nonnies! I feel funny calling you ‘newbie’ since I still kind of feel like a newbie to Tumblr, despite being on here, and in this specific fandom, for years. But yes, it does at least give me an idea who I’m talking to. XD So please, let me know what nickname you’d like on this blog, if you feel like it! (same goes for the other blue heart Nonnie, if you’re reading this...) And I agree, Nonnie is such a cute term, it’s why I enjoy using it! ^u^ *hugs*

Oh, that is a GOOD ep you’re on, hon. Don’t feel bad about anything, just enjoy your experience watching the show! And yes, I agree, without giving too much away, everything seems to be progressing as we would have hoped for so far. IDK which other fandoms you were in, but... at the end of the day, joy is precious. There’s so many things that make life difficult. If you’re enjoying the show? That matters. Even if on some shows, the endgame isn’t what we hoped for. I can’t promise anything about 911, but I do have a good feeling about it which I didn’t have for many shows with popular m/m ships that didn’t come through. So I’m optimistic! But I do also understand the desire to be cautious. I think striking a balance is the challenge, I hope you feel you’ve found it!

Awwww, thank you so much for the kind words about my s5 meta posts! It makes me so happy to know you enjoy them! I hope to get to update my content list and archive blog soon, so you can easily find all of them when and if you feel like reading them! xoxox

(I got an influx of asks, I WILL answer all of them, but it might take a sec. If anyone wants to check whether I've already answered theirs or to read my replies, here's my ask tag. Thank you! xoxox)

[cherry-gemz]

Healing Hands: Chapter One

Summary: You find yourself abroad in London as the Chief of Pediatrics. Everything has been running smoothly until you are faced with an undiagnosed case and the doctor assigned is anything but willing to face defeat. Will you be able treat the child's unknown disease in time, along while facing uncharted waters with love in the workplace?

Parings: Henry Cavill {Dr. Cavill} x Y/N {F!Reader}

Rating: Overall series 18+ only, Chapter is PG

Word count: 2200 +/-

Tags:  @evansamericanass @meowpurrbooks​ @lilithpaijiee @pterodactylterrace 

A/N: Trying something new at writing Henry fanfic. IDK if it’s any good, but either way wanted to start writing. LMK if you're interested, comments and tags welcomed! 💜

P.S. I am no means in any medical field or sorts, so if I get something incorrect on a term or process, bear with me xo.

----------------------------------------------------

You knew that it was a gamble moving to the UK for the Chief of Pediatrics position. But it was time for a change. You needed to leave Eugene, Oregon. Start fresh. There was too much pain there and you had to get away. So when your cousin, who was a nurse from Brighton informed you that there was a need at her hospital for the highly-visible role, you thought why the hell not? You'd score a free round-trip to England of anything and actually see some family you've never met if it didn't pan out. 

Little did you know that you'd fall in love with London: the weather, the people, the imagery of it all. Oregon weather wasn't all too different, so you acclimated well. It had been a few months of you settling in: understanding more of the language barriers despite it still being English. Knackered, cuppa, trollied. 

That is until you had a run in with the division chief of Pediatrics, Dr. Cavill. The staff adored the renowned and painstakingly handsome doctor. And while you could appreciate the view as well, you never were on the same page with his ideals. His defiant behavior of undermining your direction of the unit was becoming a thorn in your side. 

But this time, this time you'd had enough. He mentioned to a patient's parents, while with the speciality case, the hospital could take on their son's situation as priority and receive around the clock care. You threw down the patient's file on your desk and pinched the bridge of your nose. It was a lost cause, you had looked into the patient ever since you started the role.

The child seemed perfectly healthy and lab tests may show no signs of illness. But the chronic pain and fatigue were unexplainable. You empathized, but the poor child has undergone so many tests that at this point it was about providing facts to the parents. And right now, there was no cause of alarm. You weren’t a Dr. House, this wasn’t television. You didn't have the staff to dive into any research or clinical studies. You had a hospital to run, employees to pay, other lives needed saving. 

You picked up the phone to the case nurse on the pediatric floor. 

"Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Y/LN. Can you please remind Dr. Cavill of our 5pm? He's late. Thank you." 

Slowly hanging up on the phone, you turn back to the patient's file. The boy, Jon Foulger, was just shy of his ninth birthday. No positive results for Lupus or Guillain-Barré syndrome. But This case had been bothering you, poor Jon had been in the hospital for three months and still no progress on a diagnosis. While you were never known to give up on a patient, you knew giving false hope to the parents was detrimental not only to the family, but to the same of the hospital's integrity. You were in a high esteemed role now, you knew that you had to discuss further with Henry on his actions. 

Twenty more minutes passed by and you checked your watch. Fuming, you stood up from your desk and headed down to the pediatric floor by the lift. 

As you briskly walk down the hall corridors you can't wait to give Cavill a piece of your mind. You turn the corner and ram right into a brick wall, or so you thought.  Your hands instinctively pick up and see placed on the doctor's firm chest. You immediately flush and lose composure. 

You knew he was a good-looking man, but this up close and personal was a whole other level. His dark hair and curls were fluffy and good enough to touch. His piercing steel blue eyes looked at yours and made immediate contact. His bone structure made the Michaelangelo's David blush. 

"My apologies, Dr. Y/LN. Didn't see you there," his voice was like butter. 

You straightened out your white coat, "Ahem, yes. Well I seemed to have been lost in thought. My apologies as well."

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, almost an hour ago…" you shifted your weight to stand a bit taller. He towered over you with his muscular frame and height. 

"Patient...Jon Foulger. We must discuss the repercussions of your current actions."

"Jon-Jon," he replied stoic. 

"Excuse me?"

"He likes to be called Jon-Jon."

"Well yes, let's go to my office and discuss further, please Dr. Cavill."

"As you wish," he replied and pivoted his heel to the nearby lift.

The rise up to the 12th floor was a quiet one, awkward overall as you knew you had to give a coaching and hated the notion. You missed practicing medicine; while you enjoyed the administration of your position, the thrill of helping others and using your hands were erased with cases of employee performance reviews, reports, budgets. 

He coughed into his fist and then held his strong hands in place in a clasp. 

He finally broke the silence, "Enjoying London?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Have you had any time to take a holiday?"

"Um, no. Been too busy."

"It might do you some good," he replies as he looks to check his watch. 

You huff, "Somewhere you need to be, Doctor?"

"No, just checking the time."

His arrogance irritated you and now you weren't feeling as badly to give him his coaching. 

The lift opened as you arrived at the floor and he held out the door for you to exit first. You nod and walk to your office, your kitten heels clicked on the hospital's linoleum floor and the sound echoed through your ears. 

As you both enter your office you stride quickly to your desk to assume dominance of the room. 

Henry stood near the doorway, admiring your photos and certificates on the wall. 

"I knew you were American, but Stanford Medical? Interesting, thought you were from Oregon. When will you be returning?" You can't read him if that was a compliment or sarcasm. 

"Dr. Cavill, would you be so kind to shut the door," you state firmly and sit down, ignoring his comment about your return to the states.

His brow peaks and he nods, turning to close the door. 

"Please, have a seat," you say. 

"I'd rather stand, thank you," he replies and you know this is going to be a difficult conversation. 

"Well this will only take a moment then. Your recent behavior with the Foulger family, while I commend you for your dedication, has been slight askew with the hospital's protocols."

"Is that so?" His voice dropped and his brow arched. "In what way, Dr. Y/LN?"

You cough as the drawl of his mouth turns upward and you can swear there's a smug smirk across his face. 

"Well...for one...you've promised around the care of the child. Now simply put, we've exhausted all efforts for a diagnosis and until Jon...Jon-Jon…shows any new symptoms, we are at liberty to provide him comfort care for the remainder of the evening, but he will need to be discharged in the morning. We've exhausted him enough with MRIs, blood tests. I'm at a rock in a hard place, Dr. Cavill."

"The rock or the hard place where you give up on a child's well-being simply because you haven't thought to see him as a person? Rather as a number on your statistical analysis of how functioning this hospital is?"

His eyes pierce through you and make your knees grow weak. The nurse staff usually talks about him being a cuddly bear, always making the children laugh and smile. But this man before you, why he's no cuddly bear. He was a beast of a man. A grizzly in fact. 

"Now see here, I will let you know that this case is very important to me. All the children are. But what you fail to see is that for whatever reason you've gravitated to this particular case, you're chasing something that doesn't exist." 

His broad shoulders and strong neck tense at your words. He blinks methodically, as if he's scoping out his prey. No, don't let his charm and rugged good looks distract you. This is a man who is used to getting what he wants and you are a woman who knows perfectly what to do with that.

"And I believe you're blind, Doctor."

"Excuse me?" Your voice was shrill and short. "This is borderline insubordination. I'd be careful with your next words, Cavill."

"Pardon my frankness, Dr. Y/LN, but I've been here longer and know these patients in and out," his voice raised and you could see the hint of a vein showing on his thick neck. "Some of the children come from very poor and debilitating environments. We can't just cast them off once a diagnosis doesn't stick simply because we need the bed or we're done trying!"

"DR. CAVILL," you exclaim and let out an exasperated sigh. His demeanor changed and his upper lip curved slightly. 

“Dr. Y/LN. With all due respect, I think you’re making the wrong judgement call here. Things are not adding up with Jon-Jon, if we just give it a few more days...I feel like we’re making progress and I’ve labored enough research into it-”

"Again, while I appreciate your passion...”

“Passion which you need to show for the patient-”

You raise your hand to silence him, “This is not up to you, Dr. Cavill. As Chief of Pediatrics, this is my call. We will discharge Jon tomorrow if he does not show any new symptoms. If you disobey any further protocols, I will have no other choice but resort to disciplinary action. Do I make myself clear, Doctor?"

You press your hands on your desk and lean inward, portraying your stance. 

"Perfectly," he responded. 

"And another thing, I -" you start, but he turns and abruptly walks out of your office, leaving your door open. 

The nerve! Did he really just do that? Where does he think he's going? Didn't I just tell him I'd resort to disciplinary action?!

You rush out of your office and you see him striding through the hall. His strong posture, shoulders back eluded to years of boarding school perhaps or military. You noticed his fists were clenched and it gave you slight satisfaction that you chipped away ever so slightly at his ego.

It was going to take a lot more than that to send you packing, you thought. 

----------------

The next day came and went. You had confirmed that Jon-Jon was discharged with the floor nurse and while you were relieved to have handled that quite professionally, you knew it did not bear well with the rest of the staff.

You were still getting your feet wet and learning more about your team. It was solid overall, many years of expertise collectively, but they treated you like the outsider you were. No requests to meet for lunch or drinks after work. No camaraderie birthday cards seeking your signature or date night advice. Just the normal days in and out, pulling many late nights in your office, up to the point of exhaustion. You'd collapse in your double bed after work, stare at the ceiling of the small room you rented from your cousin, Laura, and try to drown out all the bustle of seven people in the same 3 bedroom flat. 

Just like any other day, You sat alone during lunch. But that never really was ever a bother being used to it now. You were excited about an audiobook you were meaning to dive into and right when you were about to use your airpods, that's when you noticed him enter the cafeteria. 

His presteen, crisp white lab coat was tight around his build. You could tell he took fitness seriously and wondered what he was hiding underneath it all. You unknowingly licked your lips as you watched him search for a fruit out of the bowl off the commons counter. Curious to know what he fancied: was he into a sweet apple or something more tart like cherries. 

He picked up a peach and squeezed it with his massive hand, making it look quite comical considering his size. His eyes met yours and you quickly looked away, trying to now draw any attention to yourself. You fumbled with your phone as you connected to the audiobook and heart his footsteps approached your empty table. 

"Good afternoon," he said. His voice was deep, smooth, and inviting. Not at all like the day before in your office. 

You play coy and don't bother to look up, fidgeting with your sandwich. 

"Hello," you reply distantly. He made you nervous. Would he bring up yesterday's conversation? Will he continue to look that delectable each day?

He smirked and took a bite of the fuzzy peach. There was a slight crunch as he dug his pearly whites into the rounded fruit. The velvet and thin layer of skin eased off and entered his mouth; he chewed slightly and let the piece swirl around with his thick tongue. 

You peered to look at him and his stare hadn't relented. He took another bite. This time the luscious juice slips out of the white-yellow fleshed fruit and down slightly on his chin. Oh, to be that piece of fruit and have him ravish you that way.  How he’d expertly use his hands over you and taste you with those lips.

He can tell you're still distant, however he notices you're unable to tear your eyes away from him. 

He walks over, closer to you now, and you can smell his cologne: a woody aromatic scent tied with a hint of suede. It's downright delicious and with the mix of the peach, your senses are in overdrive. 

What is it with this man and his ability to excite and anger you all at once? You not only want to put him into his place, you want to do so right here on the cafeteria table and have your way with him.

"Lovely day, isn't it?" He smiles devilishly and places the half eaten fruit on the table next to your phone and walks away. 

Your cringe and use all your might to not look back at him. He's going to make this very hard for you, very hard indeed. 

[its-toasted]

Who do you still handwrite to?

I've been making a letter for a very good friend. One of my OGs. We'll call them Blue. I think I always try to write to you like Mac or Blue.

Blue is not like their name but if I could tell you everything you'd understand just how it wrote itself. They are a korean genius who I adore. We grew up in church together and that says a lot for me. It's funny, who and what remained for me from church. We are world-class platonic support partners. In crime. In spirit.

The letter was supposed to be a letter. No shit. But so, so many times I would write things and not send them because it be like that, and we are blessed to have apple products, and a couple months ago I just ended up writing to her in a pocket journal. Straight up I still haven't sent it lol, it's about one-third full now. They are well aware and fuming.

Btw I have some very nice empty journals, some quality vessels acquired over the years, and out of all of them I chose some bullshit LOL (y'all gotta hear me say bullshit), this is basically two staples and two stitches. It is well-ruled baby looseleaf wrapped in an index card. It fits in pockets like a dozen dollar bills. Ok I guess I kinda like it.

ANYWAYS THE LETter to Blue has been in progress since May. Everything shifted in May and the floodgates opened for the first time in a long time so it was nice to start writing by hand again too. Home became a liminal space. I was living in a hotel for a while and looking for a new place. Blue is someone I've always been honest with. We talk enough that they stay on my mind. I think when I write personal posts to you, the void that is tumblr, I try to spill like I would to my brother or Blue. People I'm automatically myself around. It's my substitute for therapy.

My brother is Mac. I decided not to change his name, it didn't feel right. I don't think he'll mind. He is absolutely the light of my life. I can't seem to write anything about him that isn't a huge cliche. Favorite face, saving grace, et cetera. I don't deserve him at all, you don't understand. Or maybe you do.

I can't help but feel like growing older just means having fewer and fewer people like Mac and Blue. So many people I once lived my life with are just elsewhere, you know? That's nobody's fault it's just life. You can only keep so many people in pursuit. At some point you're just checking up on each other, and at some you even forget to do that. It doesn't really get easier to swallow but we're trying to keep our eyes down the field and stay in stride these days. Since being stuck is less than ideal. I don't want to go back there soon.

Writing by hand is just different. Somehow, this was the original purpose of this post. I've been blessed to have some damn good handwriting penpals over the years. So often now since our lives are in screens, handwriting is an afterthought. But spilling to Blue since May makes writing feel as sacred as it used to. It's deliberate and painstaking and a choice made for the sake of a different touch. And it's pretty in-line with when I started posting more here again too.

There's a lot I'm too much of a mess to say right now: A Memoir. I am sitting in a room that is workfire ablaze as we speak so uh I should maybe deal with all of this first. Like no really I'm about to get lost in the sauce. The only way I fuck up this gig is if I keep letting myself slip like this. We'll call today (and yesterday) an exception for self care.

Edit: It's 3 AM and I'm all caught up, feeling like a hunnid bucks. I drank too much coffee help

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

cw for abuse and alcoholism

so im the bad person at this point. i mean my dad regularly beat me and starved me and told me i was shit until i finally moved out of his house a few years ago. he was drunk the whole time i knew him. i’ve been addicted to alcohol awhile too now. he made me drink with him a lot growing up. suddenly after a few years my dad’s reaching out to me because he met someone and got sober and he’s a stepdad now to some great kids, and i guess he’s just doing really great and wanted to apologize and reconnect with me. but im so pissed off about the whole thing. he’s sober and happy and has a lovely family, and im drunk and miserable and completely fucking alone. i don’t want to reconnect or know how great he’s doing or meet his new family. but i know im just being petty. like i wish i would be happy for him and start putting work into cleaning up my own life. instead im just wallowing in the past and being like fucking infuriatingly jealous of his progress. if anyone has some advice for how to move on, i guess? i just wanna get over myself and stop being so angry, and stop drinking, and stop acting like the villain toward his whole family. why do i have to be the monster? im so fucking sick of myself, but just cant seem to let go of my anger no matter what i try.

Hey anon,

Your anger is entirely understandable and valid. I've been in a similar position--my dad was an alcoholic, and a few years after he moved out he went to rehab. Immediately after getting out he moved out of state and got back with his on/off girlfriend of over twenty years, and they're now married. He regularly texts me about how well he's doing, and I'm glad for him, but I'm also furious. He completely screwed up my life, and the lives of my mother and brother, who are the two most important people in the world to me, and none of us were enough for him to get better, but now he gets to be happy while we're all in year four of therapy to deal with what he did to us.

Angry rant aside, my point is--I understand. I truly do. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it honestly hasn't in my situation--I haven't lived with my dad for nearly four years and he's been out of rehab for three, but I still have a hard time talking to him without yelling at him for what he did. I spent a lot of time mad at how unfair it was that he got to hurt me and the people I care about the most in a way that will never fully go away, at how unfair it was that I never got a father but he still got his perfect family--I have to fight myself to not get mad over it again sometimes.

The best thing I can suggest is to limit your communication with him the most you can. Not thinking about him is the only way the anger goes away. I'm not going to tell you to forgive him or anything, because sometimes the person is just beyond forgiveness, and that's okay. As cheesy at it sounds, though, I would encourage you to forgive yourself, because that anger isn't going to do anything but hold you where you are now.

You don't owe your father and his family anything. You don't need to be in any of their lives if you don't want to, and that's not wrong or bad at all.

About alcoholism: the first step to treatment is realizing that there's a problem and having the motivation to fix it, and I'm so proud of you. Your healing is going to be hard, but I fully believe you can do it. It's like you to do well.

This site contains a lot of resources for starting rehabilitation. You may also want to start by scheduling an appointment with your general practitioner, who will have resources available and should be able to work with your insurance.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a 24 hour hotline, which can link you with local resources, if your insurance won't cover rehabilitation or you can't afford it. The hotline is (209) 339-1201.

I really hope this helps, anon. I'm so sorry you went through what you did, and your feelings are valid. I have nothing but faith in your ability to recover. Please send in another ask if there's anything else we can do for you, and remember that you do not owe your father anything, period.

Stay safe,

Mod Henrie