#and with the word oversharing what i mean is like oversharing of trauma.

[garfieldsladybird]

I had a realization and a breakdown because of a Taylor Swift song called mine… I always listen to the song. but I just broke down at this one part- *sniffles*

And I remember that fight, two-thirty am,

'Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye,

'Cause that's all I've ever known

Then, you took me by surprise,

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water, And every time I look at you, it's like the first time, I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter, She is the best thing that's ever been mine"

— The bold is what broke me! kind of forget the middle lines in the last part because it’s like- ngl messed up but it’s beautiful! all of this is. but wow. I don’t know if I want to share what I learned and why i cried. i just was just like wait- and then i started listening to the lyrics, making the connections and I fucking started crying. because- ABHHHHHH wow this is crazy 😜

[spookysteddie]

The Very First Date

Modern!Steve Harrington x college!fem!reader

Part two to "lemon drop martini" ... Read part one here

18+ MINORS DNI

desc: you finally call Steve for that first date. And it goes better than you imagined

cw: alcohol mention (reader is not in the slightest drunk), slight Dom!Steve, cocky!Steve begging, pet names (baby, sweetheart, angel), unprotected sex, p in v, creampie. (let mw know if I missed anything)

wc: 2.8k

a/n: I hope y'all enjoy this! based off of this ask who asked me for a part two a while ago (I am so sorry). My writers block has lifted after like a year and here we are! So expect more fics soon!

...

Three days. 

You’d waited three days before calling the number on the napkin. 

Well that’s a lie. You actually called the number the next day (after eating a greasy meal, drinking a shit ton of water, and downing some aspirin… nothing like a hangover) from your roommate Alixs phone. But the second he answered, you hung up very fast. 

Alix, of course, called you a little baby back bitch and told you that you needed to call him. That it’d be nice to have some perks around your little college town. 

You rolled your eyes at the sentiment. 

To say you were nervous talking on the phone with him would be an understatement, in fact you were shitting myself. Scared he’d be able to hear it in your voice how nervous you were. Or, worse, that he wouldn’t remember you. 

Four days ago: 

“This is Steve Harrington speaking. How can I help you?”

You took a deep breath, putting a smile on your face in the hopes it’ll translate through the telephone.

“Hi, Steve. I-it’s y/n. From the bar the other night.” You cringe at the slight stutter and the wave in your voice. “You gave me your number on the napkin.” 

You can practically hear the smile in his voice, coolness seeping from his voice, “lemon drop martini girl. Of course I remember you, sweetheart.” 

You quietly sigh in relief that he remembers. 

“Oh good! I’m sorry for not calling sooner. I was a little hung over and then I had to study and take exams. Finals season.” You laugh awkwardly, cursing yourself for rambling and making a fool out of yourself. Alix would be rolling her eyes. 

Steve laughs on the other end of the line, “ah yes. I hated finals. Very frustrating. Hence why I dropped out, much to my fathers dislike.” 

One thing about you is that you love oversharing. But you love when other people overshare even more. There’s nothing like bonding over a trauma dump. 

You giggle into the phone which makes Steve giggle too, the sound mimicking a sweet song. All you want to make him do it again. 

“Anyway, sweetheart, I was wondering if you had plans for Friday night?” His tone is cool and relaxed. You could only wish to sound like that. 

Your heart pounds in your chest, words failing you for a moment. “Oh! Um, nothing actually.”

“Perfect. Hows ‘bout you and I go on a little date? I know a great place. Kinda fancy. What do you say?” 

You could kick your feet like a little girl at the prospect of going out with him. You, also, are tempted to make him wait. To give him just a little bit of a hard time. It was what you'd usually do to the men you like. But there was something in the back of your mind begging you not to. 

“I-I would like that, Steve.” 

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 7. Give you time to study and get ready. Take a nap even.” 

…

 “I can’t do this. I can’t go. I mean, fuck, I have nothing to wear.” 

Nothing to wear was an understatement. You could hardly see the floor of your bedroom, clothes littering it with only a small path for where you keep walking from the mirror to your closet. 

Alix sits on your bed, drinking some wine and eating some popcorn. “I liked the black leather. I don’t know why you won’t just wear that one. You look hot in it.” 

You slide your hands down the front of the blue, sequence dress you have on. “I just feel like that’s not enough. And isn’t it a little … short for a dress for a nice restaurant?” 

Alix shrugs, “I mean, probably but who cares. You look hot.” She sips her wine and says again, “well you look hot in everything.” 

You look over at her, “while that’s sweet, he’s going to be here in fifteen minutes and I need a few shots to calm my nerves so help me pick a dress, please.” 

She rolls her eyes at my dramatics, downing her wine. “I think you should wear the short black one you wore two weeks ago. Not the leather one, the velvet one. Makes your ass look great. Oh with your Louboutins! You spent a lot of money on them and have worn them once. It’s a sin.” 

One thing is for sure, you did spend a lot of money on them, charging them to your dads credit card. 

One change and two shots of vodka later, you were walkin down the steps of your condo to an awaiting Steve. He’s in dark jeans, a black t-shirt and a gray jacket. His hair is just as perfect as the last time you saw him. (which was via instagram… gotta do the research right?)

He whistles long and low as you approach, and in a quick stroke of confidence you decide to do a little spin. He claps slowly as you face him and so, you bow. Just slightly so you don’t accidentally flash him. Not the way you want to start this date. 

“Well hello to you too, Harrington,” you say as you smirk. 

He slips his hand in his pockets, a smirk on his lips that you feel right between your legs. “You look very pretty tonight, sweetheart. I mean you’d look pretty in a potato sac but,” he shrugs. “We should get going.” 

You smile and nod at him. 

And the bar is clearly in fuckin hell, because him opening the door for you makes you want to jump his bones. But then again, no man has ever opened a door for you so… we can let it slide. 

“Such a gentleman.” “Chivalry is not dead sweetheart.” 

… 

Steve is very thoughtful. Sure, he asked all the usual questions you ask on a first date. 

What’s your major?

Do you have any siblings?

What do your parents do for work?

Oh, your dad is in sales? Funny mine too.

He gives you guilt money? Mine too! Look at us 

He also, orders you and him a bottle of wine (he has great taste) but lets you order your own meal (again the bar is in fucking hell). The place he takes you to is nice and the food is the best food you’ve had since you left home after summer break. 

“So Steve, what made you decide to open up a bar in town?” You eat a spoonful of dessert, eyes never leaving his. 

He takes a spoonful of his own dessert. “I was sick of working for everyone else. I knew if I made a unique bar, something you and your friends have never seen, others would want to check it out. Then you’d tell all your friends, who’d tell their friends, etc.” He grins as he talks, keeping eye contact with you. 

It felt like a game of ‘who is going to look away first.’ A game you weren’t going to lose. Slowly, you pull the spoon out of your mouth, dipping it back in to your dessert. “Interesting. Great concept if you ask me.” 

He huffs a small laugh through his nose, “I’m glad you enjoyed my bar.” 

You scrunch your brows, the wine making you bold, “who said I enjoyed it?” 

Now he really laughs, “you seemed to really enjoy all those lemon drop martinis. So much so you had a hangover the next day. I tried giving you waters but you threatened to gut me.” 

Your jaw hangs open, “fibber.” 

“I haven’t been called a fibber since I was a kid,” he smiles. “But yes you did tell me you would gut me. And then you left and I thought I’d never hear from you again.” 

You can’t help but feel slightly guilty inside for not calling sooner. Well, you did call sooner but chickened out. 

“And here we are.” 

“Yes, here we are.” 

He seems to think for a moment, sipping his wine (one he ordered that would go well with the dessert. He was right.)

“Wanna get out of here, sweetheart?” He looks up at you through his lashes, tongue rolling down the inside of his cheek. 

He wasn't… demanding. You knew without a shadow of a doubt that you could turn him down. That he would take you home with a smile on his face. There would be no fuss, no fight, no name calling. No pressure. 

And for that very reason, with a smile on your pretty face you answer him, “yours or mine?” 

… 

You’re not even through the door of his apartment before his mouth is on yours, his large hands on your face. The kiss starts soft, testing the waters and it isn’t very long before you deepen it. Your tongues dance but there is no fight for dominance, you let him win. You want him to win. 

His lips trail over your jaw before slowly moving down your neck, gently nipping at your skin. 

“Such a pretty girl,” he says in between kisses. 

He sucks a bruise into your shoulder, easy to cover up, just in case. You let out a soft moan, hands coming up to tug at his hair. 

“You-you’re pretty too.” 

You can feel him grin against you, head lifting as his body cages you in, “I don’t think anyone has ever called me pretty. Well besides Eddie but that was mocking.” 

You laugh, moving in and kissing him slowly, sweetly, “you are a very pretty boy.” 

You can feel his hard dick jerk at the sentiment, and you keep it as a mental note. You know, just in case you need it. 

“Fuck, can’t say shit like that.” 

“No? Why not?” 

“Cause it makes my cock hard. And it’ll be very embarrassing if I cum in my pants. Can't ruin my reputation.” The smirk on his face makes you almost pass out. You swear to God you can feel every word in your core. 

“Hmmm, we can’t have that can we?” You push his jacket off his shoulders before running your hands down to the hem of his shirt. “Should take me to bed so we don’t risk you cumin’ early.” 

It’s all the permission he needs. His lips are back on yours, his hands under your ass and picking you up. You wrap your legs around his waist, hands in his hair as he carries you to the bed. 

He puts you down gently, his lips never leaving yours. Not for a moment. Not until he pulls away to tug his shirt over his head. You take the moment to take him in, his body lithe and toned.  You also can’t help noticing the scars on his side that look a little like bite marks. Bite marks from something that isn’t human, something you make a mental note to ask him about at a later date. 

“Sculpted from marble, god damn.” You don’t mean to say it out loud, never wanting to stroke a man's ego. 

Steve just grins as he finds the zipper on the side of your dress, pulling it down slowly down, his knuckles slowly touching your skin, leaving goosebumps in his wake. You shiver under the touch and he notices. You’re quickly learning that Steve notices everything.

It isn’t long before he’s pulling the dress down your body, leaving you in only your underwear. Underwear that barely covers you, a wet patch on full display. If it was anyone else, you’d be embarrassed. 

“Are you this wet for me?” His tone is mocking and he’s practically cooing at you, “go on. Answer me.” 

Your eyes widen. Men have been demanding in the bedroom, plenty of them thinking they’re little tough guys. But none of them get that from you, none of them deserving. You’re not sure why you want to give that to him. You’re not sure what makes him different. And honestly, that is a problem for future you to talk about in therapy. 

“Yes,” you reply, voice a little higher than usual. “S’all for you.” 

The smirk he gives you makes your heart speed up. “Such a sweet, pretty thing. God, I want to devour you.” 

His lips move to your chest, sucking a peaked nipple into his mouth. You can’t help but arch into his mouth, a small moan falling from your lips, his hand coming to play with your neglected breast. And it isn’t long before he swaps sides, his teeth nipping and sucking. 

“Please. More.” 

He laughs, moving to oblige you and kissing down your sternum before settling between your legs. “May I?” 

Him asking makes your heart stutter in your chest, “yes. God yes. Please.” 

Steve tugs your underwear down your legs, tossing them to meet the rest of the clothes on the floor. “I think I could get used to praying to me.” 

He doesn’t give you time to answer before he licks up your cunt, stopping at the top to suck on your clit. The moan that comes out of you is loud and you’re thankful the windows are closed. “Fuck, Steve!” 

He pushes a finger inside of you, curling them to reach the spongy spot inside you. “And you moaning my name is even better. Why don’t you do it again, angel” 

He pushes another finger inside you, the burn causing you to grip his hair. “Steve please!” 

“Please what, sweetheart?” 

He moves his fingers faster, continuing to hit your sweet spot over and over again. His mouth moves to your clit, sucking gently. He keeps his eyes on you, observing, listening to every sweet moan and sigh that comes out of you. He files them away in his brain so he never forgets what drives you crazy. 

“Need to… I-I need” 

He sucks hard before pulling back, “need what? Go on, use your words.” 

You gasp, “to cum. I- please.” 

Begging wasn’t what you did for men. If anything, they begged you. Begged you to let them cum. 

Steve doesn’t say a word, just grins and uses his free hand to press on your stomach. That is your undoing. “Steve!” You pulse around his fingers, breath getting caught in your chest. You feel warm all over, head emptying as he works you through it. 

“That’s it baby. That’s a good girl. Bet that feels so good doesn’t it?” 

You try to answer, you really do. But all you can manage is a small nod. 

“Gonna let me fuck you?” 

Again, you can only manage a nod. 

“That’s my girl.” 

And before you can even process his words, he flips you over on your stomach, hands pulling your hips in the air. You’re on full display for him. He can see everything. But you couldn't care less, all you want is him inside you. 

And you get your wish. He moves slow, making sure he doesn’t hurt you. He’s big and you can feel every inch of him stretching you. It’s a tight fit even with how wet you are. 

“Holy shit this pussy is amazing baby. Squeezing me so tight.” 

His other hand braces himself by your head before dropping down to his forearms. He’s so close to you now, inside and out, his hips moving slowly so you adjust to him, and his breath fanning across your face. 

“F-faster. Faster.” Your hands rake down his back, nails digging into his back, making him hiss. 

He snaps his hips faster, grinning down at you. “Just so needy huh?” 

You nod feverishly, “yes. F-feels so fucking good.” 

He laughs at you now, kisses you. “Such a dirty mouth, baby. Pretty girls aren’t supposed to swear.” 

“Says-says you… swear all the time. L-like a sailor.” 

He hums. “Dirty mouth for a dirty fuckin girl.” 

“That-that’s me.”

He fucks you faster and you feel like coil growing tighter and tighter inside you. You wrap your legs around his waist, not wanting him to get too far away. He groans and you can tell he’s close. 

“Want… no need you to cum inside me. I’ll d-die if you don’t,” you beg. You know you’ll probably regret it in the morning, all that you’ve said here in this bedroom. But at the moment you can’t find it inside you to care. Mainly because he was taking up every inch of you. 

“Yeah? Need it? I’ll give it to you baby. Will give you anything you want.” 

And it’s all you need to fall over the edge, walls clenching around him so hard he falls with you. A mutual “fuck!” falls from both your and his lips. 

You're both panting as you come down from the high. He pushes your hair out of your face and kisses you sweetly. Suddenly Steve is giggling, his head falling into the crook of your neck.

“What? Why are you laughing?” you ask with just a little bit of worry. 

“I am so fucking glad you ordered a lemon drop martini.”

[astrosirensblog]

Sirenas Astrology observations

9

• moon hard aspects to mercury could be an indicator for having a hard time expressing your emotions verbally. Not having words of affirmation as a love language or having a hard time giving and receiving compliments or loving words. The type of person who says “I don’t have to say I love you everyday , I rather show it”

• the placement you have Aphrodite in can tell you how you can enhance your feminine energy and feel more beautiful inside and out. For example having Aphrodite in taurus could mean that cooking and taking more time to rest will make you feel better and nourished. Aphrodite in gemini needs to socialize and read or write to flourish in their feminine energy better

• people with permanent 10th house placements are known even when they’re not socializing much. They’re the type of person who don’t know many people but many people know them. It’s hard to ignore their presence, even when they don’t do anything

• People with mars in the 10th house tend to attract many people. Even people who hate them get obsessed with them and try to humbled them as much as possible. People with this placement don’t realize how intimidating their presence is and people see them as constant competition. Selena Gomez has this placement and we all know how other celebrities and even fan basis treat her even though she doesn’t do anything actively to provoke them. Honestly taking care of her mental health and not letting anybody humble her was the best decision she could have made for herself

• psyche in synastry can tell you about what you really need in a relationship in order to feel happy and fulfilled and become a better person. With your psyche placement you can learn on which parts you have to work on yourself too. With this placement it’s less about the physical intimacy and more about the intellectual and emotional intimacy of two souls coming together

• people with many 12th house placements tend to take criticism really personal and don’t like hearing it at all since they already have a hard time accepting themselves. They also struggle with feeling seen and appreciated even when people try to make them feel good, it’s never enough because they often lack self validation

• People with virgo placements take working out and looking fit really serious. I never meet a person with virgo placements who didn’t care about their physical appearance

• Having Mars in 4th house conjunct to the north node is a huge indicator of generational trauma that has been passing on in the family a lot. And this could bother the natal person a lot and it can cause friction in the family dynamic when they try to heal from that trauma and break the cycle

• Lillith shows up as the part of yourself that society has tried to repress or make you feel ashamed of. If it’s for example in the 3th house, you could have been told a lot to not share your views or opinions. Or people made fun of your voice growing up. You can take back your power by becoming more confident and expressing these parts of yourself freely

• Women who have Lillith conjunct sun and or asc often use their appearance and sexuality as a way to get what they want. For example Megan Thee Stellion has Lillith in Taurus conjunct her asc and she’s known for her beautiful and hot appearance and her lyrics where she also talks a lot about sex. Marylin Monroe also has Lillith in the first house, I didn’t need to explain how influential her appearance and sensuality is in the media to this day

• people with Lillith conjunct their first house tend to have sanpaku eyes too, here’s a reference:

• Neptune in the chart shows you the part of life where you have to be more firm with your boundaries and don’t overshare because Neptune indistincts your intuition. For example if you have Neptune in the 11th house don’t force connections or friendships, don’t overshare to your friends and be really firm with your boundaries because you tend to let people cross over the line too much. Also don’t expect all of your friends to have the same intentions as you do, some people just want to use you or dim your light so be careful and stay safe

• The planet your sun is conjunct to can be a part of your life where you feel more confident and you don’t like it when people tell you what to do. For example if your sun is conjunct your venus you tend to make the first move when you like someone and you don’t like it when someone tells you that this person is out of your league or you can’t get them to like you. Ego and love go hand in hand with this aspect

[jinx-on-mars-19xx]

Tongue Tied Together

🩸Previous Parts Here🩸

Dom x Colson (Yungblud x Machine Gun Kelly)

Warnings: ABO dynamics (knots, slick, heat), alpha serial killer/hitman Dom, omega mob boss Kells, grumpy Dom, Tom being his helpful self, discussions of sex, mentions of killing, cursing, grumpy tea making, insults, light stalking, Dom being clueless, Kells being stubborn, Kells being a badass boss bitch, discussions of serious topics such as- trafficking, past assault (physical and SA), allusions to childhood trauma and sexual trauma (all just explained in a discussion- nothing is said in detail but keep yourself safe!), Collette being a badass gem and trying to help dumb boys, enemies to lovers 💣 Rating: mature

All ideas helped by @iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker 🖤

“You look like ‘hammered shit’ as the kids say. Sweet dreams again I suppose?” Tom's voice was soft as Dom entered the kitchen of their flat. His words were harsh but they'd never sugar coated life for each other. Considering the way they met it wouldn't make sense to be gentle, the photographer knew what the Alpha was before they even spoke. They'd made a home together of sorts even though they only liked each other as brothers and they even mixed home and work life. Tom ran a photography crime blog and was basically Dom's hitman assistant- there was really no need to be kind.

“Fanks. Tea?” If Dom was speaking so little he had obviously slept terribly, the boy's ADHD made him ramble like a five year old on meth when he wasn't in desperate need of a kill. It worried his best friend to see him so down.

Tom nodded to the kettle and watched the other man shuffle around the room. It had been over a week since the kid had come home covered in mating mess and grinning like mad- quite literally like mad, Dom was certifiable but they took care of each other and he'd helped find ways to keep his friend mostly sane. Then he accidentally sent him after that mob boss omega and everything and nothing changed. He hated watching the kid hurt but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He knew Dom was still ‘keeping an eye’- the Alpha's phrase for stalking, but he guessed the man still hadn't contacted him again. Since that happy afternoon delight the killer had been fighting old demons at night and while normally Tom would tell someone to talk to their fucking mate, this was a special case. Wasn't Dom always one…

Tom knew more than he probably should, the other man could overshare like no one else when he was manic. They'd been through everything together so he was used to it. He'd even been the one to help get the Alpha's wards set up in the states. Anyone who did so much to give their little sisters such a good life was a saint in his book, even if that halo of Dom's was held in place by horns. He just didn't know if the demons plaguing his friend were from his past or his present. It was hard to fish when the one you're trying to help occasionally enjoyed seeing people's insides on their outsides. Not that he'd ever truly threatened Tom.

“Tea's good today.” Even grumpy Dom could compliment his friend but it felt like a chore making himself sit across from him.

Tom took a deep breath that he didn't mean to let escape in a sigh as he made a choice and glanced up at the Alpha. He looked awful, dark circles under dead eyes and his hair even more wild than normal. “You know you can just… talk to him right?”

Dom was too tired to roll his eyes so instead he dropped his sight to the cup in front of him. Damn Tom for being so perceptive. “I don't care-” He stopped short. He couldn't lie with the man he thought of as his brother. “He's got me number.” He shrugged instead and he didn't have to look to know the other wasn't too tired to roll his eyes.

“And you've got his. Hell, you see him so often you could just… say hi? Of course not. So what? You just stalk him into submission?”

“I don't bloody know Tom. He needs me. I can feel it but he's so fucking stubborn!” The scoff his friend answered him with made his brow arch. “Fairs. Ya cunt. You know it's ya fault. I mean who fucks someone and never talks to ‘em again?” The voice crack and silly question showed the boy's age but it still hurt the omega's heart.

“Almost everyone?” He shrugged back but it wasn't what the kid needed to hear. People could be shit, that didn't mean Colson was. “He's got secrets too. You said…” He had to take a breath and prepare himself for an awkward conversation. Weren't they all though? He could still remember the time he had to catch the Alpha and bathe him after Dom attempted to stop killing cold turkey, before he decided to just protect his girls from afar. He didn't want a bad Alpha in their lives, even himself. Of course the break in self care and release for his urges wasn't the right choice. Tom still couldn't forget the sight he'd walked in on after tracking the boy down that night. Having to spray down a full grown arsehole after he ran home half naked and covered in red was an experience they didn't talk about. Awkward was relative. “He seemed… new to that, yeah?”

“‘Ere was blood. And wiv ‘ow he talked… If I weren't the first I'd be surprised.” That thought yet again sent a rush of emotion through Dom he couldn't fully understand. Why did that make his stomach flip? His cock twitch? His heart felt funny in his chest.

“And he was on heavy duty Alpha hormones. Long enough to grow up here since around puberty and pass. I've researched everything I can on him and for what the world knows he's an Alpha. That could have been his first heat. I can't imagine what it's like going through that so late.” Tom shuddered. It was a truly terrifying thought.

“Alright well ‘en why? Wha’ ‘append to start it?” Dom could feel the other man glaring at him. He wasn't daft, he just… didn't always understand simple things. Ask him how long it took someone to bleed out from a neck wound and he was a genius but his father hadn't cared to teach him omega sex ed beyond where he was supposed to stick his knot in one.

“You're serious? Dominic… Fucks sake. You. You happened.”

“Wha’ ya mean?” The boy almost whimpered. He genuinely didn't understand. Not really. Or maybe he just couldn't let himself. He wasn't ready. How could he be?

“I'll just say… you had the right pheromones for each other. But-” Tom was scared to ask the next question. He knew he had to navigate carefully, he couldn't let his friend go off the deep end. “So just that one time?” He paused long enough for Dom to nod. “And you've been close enough to see if he's still sick?”

“He seems alright now. Bitchy but alright. Maybe he got new blockers.”

Either the omega found stronger blockers, the old ones messed up his system so much that it was a false heat, or… No, it had to be one of the two. There was no way they wouldn't notice anything else, not with how drawn to each other they were. Tom just didn't know whether to push the Alpha to talk to Kells or not. Granted… maybe it didn't have to be Dom he gave the nudge to.

🩸☠️🩸

Colson was pissed. The man he was supposed to meet for the buy he had set up was later than anyone had given him the disrespect of before. The club was mostly quiet around them, even the normally pounding music was turned down. That was the benefit of owning your own place, you could do whatever you wished with it, but there were still enough people milling around to keep trigger happy idiots from doing anything stupid. He was in the VIP section taking up most of a velvet bench seat, his lanky body spread out to give the appearance of nonchalance. In actuality the omega was raging inside and wondering who to shoot first.

“Hey boss…” Mod’s voice was almost shaking, the beta obviously didn't want to bare any bad news.

From behind his purple shades Kells watched his friend nod his head indicating to someone against the far dark corner of the building. For a moment he thought the seller had finally arrived but no- it was just the fucking Alpha a-fucking-gain. Maybe Dom was who he should shoot first. A small part of his inner turmoil relaxed at the sight of him. He hated that he couldn't stop himself from feeling safer and calmer in the killer's presence. He didn't ask for him to come, Dom was always just… there. “Leave it. He's not the problem right now.” Colson snapped, trying to move his sight away from his stalker. He could feel his core pulse between his thighs but he ignored it. He would ignore the Alpha as well.

“But-” Megan huffed from Col’s other side and he shot a withering glare at her. It must have been something because she rolled her eyes and looked away, crossing her arms with a huff.

“I don't care if he wants to be a god damned fly on the wall alright? He's not doing shit but creeping.” Kells shrugged, he was tired of her bullshit to be honest. He was tired of everything. The past week had been one of the weirdest of his life and he just needed one thing to go right.

After the impromptu bang sesh the Monday before he and Dom had gone their separate ways with a few more insults tossed at each other, though they felt a little more playful than before. He'd gone home and slept like the dead and starting the next day he'd tried a new blocker. The fucking things just straight up refused to work. He wasn't sick anymore but he could tell the fake hormones weren't working. After a few days of trying he just tossed them out. It wasn't too bad anyway, he still felt slick when he saw the psycho which happened a lot more than he'd assumed it would, but that was about it. Every day Dom would appear in the shadows and while at first it pissed him off, now it was simply a part of life. The hitman was just his annoying shadow, the guy didn't even try to talk to him or anything. Sometimes he even caught Dom curled up on his balcony asleep. He refused to admit he slept better those nights.

He finally looked away from his new Alpha shadow and checked the time on his watch. “Fuck! I hope this asshole knows-”

“Boss!” Before Colson could finish his threat the man in question appeared at the door. Kells felt his trigger finger twitch but he didn't reach for his gun. Yet. He noticed his mother disappearing from her seat next to him but she rarely stayed around for the meetings. It was a compliment if anything, she trusted him as much as she'd trusted the man she loved.

Pete- the man he normally trusted to be his go between with sellers looked suitably shaken as he came to meet the group. The beta was trying to look hard but there was a subtle trembling in his limbs. When he reached Colson's table he took a seat across from him and his knee bounced. For just a moment the omega wondered if that was how people acted around Dom but he pushed that away. He was scarier than his golden retriever psycho. “You gotta understand- this ain't on me alright boss? I swear! These guys they just… they never showed up and all I got was this text saying the shipment was taken care of. I dunno what that means boss. Ya gotta know I wouldn't fuck you over. You're my best customer! I mean-”

Colson arched a brow at the man's nervous rambling. It would be hilarious to let him work himself up to pissing himself but Kells was tired. Dom hadn't slept close the night before. Fuck. He shouldn't let himself get used to it. “You mean what? That you fucked me over? That you're so fucking shitty at your job you lost me millions on product? Cause that's what this is Petey. You. Fucked. Up. Now, why shouldn't I just shoot you now and be done with it? You'll take out the trash, right?” He asked the last of Mod who nodded but then Megan was laughing at his threat and resting her hand on his thigh. It automatically made him itch and his gaze flicked to where he'd last seen the Alpha. Shit- was his mom talking to the freak?

“Cause you love me boss! We're friends!”

“Are we? My friends don't lose my shit.”

“Fucks sake boss I didn't mean to!”

“They already rescheduled from last Friday to tonight. Is this why? They were trying to fuck me over?” Kells was near growling. He hated being disrespected like that. The previous leader never was. Everyone acted as if Col was softer and he always worried it was his secret, that somehow everyone felt it without knowing.

“All I gots a text. Fuckers said the buy was done. I dunno boss. I'm sorry.” Pete shrugged and looked near to passing out.

He should be sorry. Everyone should be. Pete didn't know but Colson- just like his adoptive father before him didn't buy up omegas to sell. Travis had hated the way the fairer designation was treated and he built up his family to save them. That's how Kells had made it to them originally, thanks to his asshole Alpha bio dad. They made their money in guns and drugs but while everyone thought they were the best in the trafficking world they were doing quite the opposite. They would purchase shipments of omegas and give them new identities. New lives. Not everyone in the family was a fan of it but it was his reason to live. The reason his secret was so important. In truth deep down he and his stalker weren't so different.

🩸☠️🩸

Dom felt his polite mask slip in place as Collette approached him, though part of his smile was genuine. He truly liked her. She was a sweet but hard omega with her son's eyes and smile. Not that Colson ever smiled. She moved to hug him and he accepted it even if he was a little stiff. After squeezing him tight she led him away to a table but let him keep his needed line of sight as they sat down. “Sweetheart, you look like hammered shit.” Her voice was lovely and her words… true. He couldn't deny it.

“You ain't the first to say tha’ today. Jus' can't sleep. I'll be alright.” He shrugged one shoulder, his fingers tearing apart a coaster on the table. He couldn't help fidgeting at all times.

“May I ask what's wrong?” Her voice stayed gentle as she laid her hand over his. Dom had never had a good mum and for just a moment he wondered if he'd be different with someone who cared like her. She genuinely seemed to already.

“Rough week. He-” The Alpha grit his teeth, he didn't know much about social or relationship norms- not that he was in one- but he was pretty sure bitching to a fuck buddy’s mummy wasn't allowed. Bollocks.

The omega tried not to chuckle as she watched the boy fight himself over something. He was so young and sweet seeming, even though she knew who he was in the dark. Killing didn't phase her, she'd done her own plenty when needed and she wasn't as blonde as she appeared to be. It wasn't hard for her to see the common denominator in every one of Yungblud’s hits- Alphas. Bad ones. Hell, to the rest of the world her son was the leader of the top trafficking ring, she understood why Colson would be on his list and she knew that they shared the same principles, they just took care of the problem in different ways.

“You know when I met my husband I was scared to let him in. I fought and I fought and I told him I hated him every day for months. He had basically bought me from- from my previous husband and I hated all Alphas for it for a long time. He always said I was free to go though and I just… didn't. I couldn't make myself.” She laughed softly and brushed her hair behind her ear. “Eventually I realized I could trust him and we grew closer. By the time Colson came to us we were in love and I was finally strong enough to help my boy through hell.”

Dom’s brows furrowed and his gaze flicked between the two. Colson was too far away for his liking but he could see him. “Wha’ ‘append? To Cols I mean.”

Collette took a breath and pulled her hand back to fidget herself. She didn't know exactly how much she could say but she also didn't want the boy giving up. “My first husband… He was someone I think you'd like to meet with those knives you seem so partial to.” She paused as she watched Dom start to reach for his bag before he stopped and sat up straighter. “I was given to him by my own father very young and he was a religious ass who thought Alphas were God's gift and omegas were-”

“I know tha’ type. I fink me dad and Col’s would ‘ave been friends.” Dom shuddered.

“Yes well… He hated that I gave him an omega son. He was… he was terrible to us both. After the birth he hated me and let me know it. His brother was just as bad but that bastard thought if my husband wasn't using me…" She paused to let the gravity sink in. Her brother-in-law had been a sick fuck. Both of them were. "When Colson was two my ex caught his brother assaulting me and of course blamed me. He beat me so badly the next week was a blur. I woke up the day Travis found me and we tried to get my son back but the fuckers had moved.”

Dom watched her calmly talk about the hell she'd been through as if she were speaking about the weather. He knew that feeling, that separation from your own trauma because it was far too big to feel. He had his own story and he gave her the respect she deserved by keeping eye contact as he listened. “Wha’ appended to ‘im?” There was a soft growl in his chest.

“I'm not sure it's my story to tell. But history repeats itself, I think we both know that. My son came back to me broken. It had been a decade and he was… he'd been through something terrible. As soon as it was safe he went on blockers and my love took him under his wing. It was Col's choice to hide. Just please understand he has a good reason to be scared of what you did together. He might be terrified for a while. Please just… be patient? I think you could be good for each other. And he'll really need you now.” She gave him a soft smile and he nodded.

He couldn't do much more than that. The sociopath wasn't used to emotions but something was aching in his chest. He knew what her words meant. He hadn't technically been the omega's first, just the first he allowed. The panic Dom had felt in the moment was shared. He also knew there were two new names on his list but he wouldn't leave the man yet to take care of it.

“He stopped taking his blockers. If you were worried. He'll figure it out. Just give him time.” She soothed but he was confused why he should care about that. The Machine Gun could do whatever he wanted with his body. He didn't hate the thought of being able to scent him though. “Oh.” Collette laughed softly, shaking her head. “I'll talk to him, alright? Don't give up.” Her voice was sweet as she patted his arm over where the omega had bit him as if it meant something more than he understood. He couldn't help admiring her beauty and she wasn't much older it seemed than her son. If Colson had been sold at twelve... Maybe she had been married off then too. Yeah, those two were definitely on his list. After a moment she slid off her chair and pressed a kiss to his cheek before disappearing back to her son. It left Dom to watch and wait and picture all the ways he could slaughter those who hurt what was his. Wait... Fuck.

Of course he didn't plan on leaving Kells alone, he couldn't seem to make himself. Something about the man drew him in and kept him there. Like a moth to a flame. Maybe he just needed to try a little more than stalking- Tom kept telling him words were good. Watching the omega he knew it wasn't conversation he wanted to share but he'd do anything to stay close. Even put off his own bubbling needs.

Author's Note/Tags: @iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker @hollywoodxwhore @jaxbreaker @fenoy7 @cole-way-iero28 if anyone else wants tagged let me know 🖤

So this chapter was intense but I tried to keep some of it light. These boys have been through hell but they can help each other. Hopefully they'll start getting closer in the next chapter but I hope you enjoyed a little more Tom and Collette time! Also mob boss Kells moments are fun. I hope you liked it 💣🖤

[angelmelon]

MEET ANGELICMELONNNN

hi guys it’s me hit artist Angelicmelon He/It pronouns

I used to be called CheezyBakedRat on Amino. If anyone remembers this very niche era of our life DNI/hj

3rd gen Irish Diaspora living on Shawnee land, plan to move to Ireland with my beautiful partners and my service doggy, Little Melon when I turn 18 or soon after for the better disability benefits and connection to my ancestry

I am a veiling Satanist, I only veil part time but I aspire to begin veiling full time one day!! I veil as a spiritual protection, I find it gives me a clearer mind and clearer energy

My favorite fruit is watermelon 🍉, though I like many other fruits and foods!! I like pomegranate, macaroni and cheese, chocolate hummus, mint ice cream, all things sweet, and I make a damn good Waraq Dawali (I think. I know I will end up very embarrassed when an actual Middle Eastern person tries my Waraq Dawali recipe.)

I am pro 🇵🇸!! If you support the displacement or harm or death of indigenous people in any capacity DNI. In other words, if you support Israel DNI. You do not belong on my page and I will eat you

Other DNI Criteria include:

🍉 Endogenic systems or any other genic that is not traumagenic systems. System hopping is not real stop being delulu 😭🙏

❤️ TERFSSSSS!!! BOOOOOO GET OFF MY PAGE YOU PUS POSTULE COVERED ARBYS BAG GREASE PLAGUE ERA VAMPIRES!!! TRANS PEOPLE EXIST!!!

🍉 Fundamentalist religious folks of any kind!! I am chill with pretty much everyone of every religion!! However, I do not feel comfortable nor safe around fundamentalists. This may mean many things to many people, but the definition for this page is any religious person who proselytizes to others unprompted, or any religious perosn who utilizes their religion for purposes of eugenics, discrimination, or other forms of hatred rather than the love and respect religion is supposed to entail. “You’re a dirty Satanist” I am a very cleanly Satanist, thank you!!

❤️ this should be very common sense considering literally everything I have said up to this point but IF YOU HAVE WEIRD GROSS FETISHES BOOOOOOOO GO AWAY I am a minor 🙅 I guess some people apparently don’t care about that which reminds me IF YOU LIKE MINORS BOOOOOO DIE 🖕❌ I AM APPROACHING YOUR LOCATION AS WE SPEAK

🍉 non casual Hazbin fans. If you defend Vivzie go away 💔

oh yeah BYF

🍉 I am very VERY mean I apologize I am not exactly the most well socialized person

❤️ I WILL post and reblog Palestine and other humanitarian related things related things, regardless of graphic nature. People should be well familiar with what’s happening in Palestine right now, and I think people should know if they don’t already. I will make sure to reblog any educational posts I see!!

🍉 I make a lot of jokes at the expense of certain Christian denominations, I was raised Catholic and have quite abit of Christian religious trauma expanding beyond my raised denomination. Chances are if I bully your denomination it’s because the church unfortunately traumatized me somehow. I hold no ill will towards any person, but the institutions done screwed me up

❤️ I am a OSDD-1B haver and system. Will not talk about it much. Though if another alter posts something, be nice!!

🍉 HUGE oversharer. Like huge huge oversharer. I will tone it down from how I am in other spaces because iiiiii frankly don’t want my immediate family to know I have a Tumblr page 😭💔 you might be wondering how would they find it?? They would Not I am simply paranoid

❤️ I AM TAKEN X2!!! Shoutout to my lovely beautiful partners, neither of which follow me on Tumblr. It’s okay I only just started actually using this account 🙏 they’ll probably follow me in the future

🍉 may use this account to practice Arabic skills just abit, i have been learning!! Please, do critique my skills, it helps me learn!! Marhaba, esmi Angelicmelon!! wahadhih safhati ealaa Tumblr!!! 🫶

❤️ if you make transphobic BS and make it public I will comment on it sorrryyyyyyy jk not sorry 🖕

🍉 OH YEAH OH YEAH i have certain words that can trigger my Vasovagal Syncope, I can’t exactly say them and I don’t blame people for posting about them without knowing but know I will avoid certain posts like the plague

🍉🍉🍉 thank you for being on my page!!! 🍉🍉🍉

[not-yet-so-broken]

this is why theres no winning for me

if i call her a rapist, women will very excited tell oh no shes not a rapist that women cant rape that its misogynist to say women can rape you're too stupid to understand real rape just feel lucky you werent really raped. they will tell me no one is treating my assault as any less and that my concerns are stupid.

if i say she sexually assaulted, then is immediately treated like a joke. ppl in their head think im talking like some small thing like a grope on a bus or something in that category. i am put in position of having to defend myself and overshare about things i dont want to to explain. and group a is fine with that never once do i see them argue.

and i see why ppl want rape to mean penis-in-vagina male aggressor only. im a woman im not stupid.

but then everything is kill all rapists. support rape victims. is all focusing on rape. there is nothing about sexual assaulters, sexual assault survivors. not even a word. no sentiment. no anger to them, not the same way, especially once u say its a woman. only defenses and excuse

it almost feels like both groups feel more solidarity with my rapist than with me. because they never speak with anger about her, but many women get angry with me or frustrated with me. or i get dumbass hug emojis and im sooooo sorry that happened to u... oh but i still think its not rape and that what she did 2 u isnt violent or horrific or heinous btw but ur trauma is valid ok.

wow thanks.

[f0point5]

People oversharing on the internet has become such a HUGE issue imo. They feel the need to share everything to an audience full of strangers. I miss the days when social media and private life were actually separated because nowadays it seems like it’s all blended together. Might as well take the word ”privacy“ out of the dictionary because it doesn’t exist anymore. And for them to go and post something like that ?!? The tweet just casually trauma dumping to strangers and the worst part is they’re all eating it up ? The comments be like: ”I’m so sorry for you, I totally get your disappointment in him“ or ”I’m with you you’re not alone, we got each other during this disappointing time” like wow. Are you guys mental ?!? What’s going on 😭 I think a lot of fans (and idc if this upsets anyone) are way too caught up in the drivers personal life and the whole WAG thing which also leads to women who are fans of the actual racing to not be taken seriously. There I said it. I see tiktoks or tweets saying: me in the garage of McLaren watching Lando race as his wag- Girl you won’t ever be a ”WAG” 😭 this obsession with the drivers love life and ”WAGs” needs to end because it’s concerning. Are you watching F1 because you like the sport or are you just constantly imagining yourself in the paddock as a drivers girlfriend and just stick around for the racing because you got nothing better to do ? No wonder people claim that women only watch to thirst over the men when that’s 70% of F1 content online posted by women.

Alsoooo the ones that go around saying things like ”women aren’t respected in motorsports” and ”there’s so much sexism coming from these rich men” are the same ones that go ahead and say shit like: ”I want his babies“ and even worse stuff under a drivers post ?!? How is that not bad as well? That’s just as disrespectful.

Yeah, my god. When we said “be open about your mental health” we meant with friends and family not the world at large. The notion that sharing your daily experiences with the world is helpful to anyone really needs to die.

I have no words for those unhinged individuals sharing their trauma as a reason why Lando Norris (complete stranger) owes them something. Literally no words I’m the vocabulary to adequately articulate my revulsion.

People can like the sport or the drivers for whatever reason they want but the parasocial has gone too far for some of these people. I really can see why people are in so many unhappy relationships, because if you can delude yourself into thinking a person you’ve never even met will conform to your fantasy (which let me tell you is problematic in itself because these fantasies are always just someone who mirrors their every thought.), I guess you can project reasoning into real people who treat you like crap. Rip to all the real mean out there competing with delusion the way women compete with p*rn stars 😂

Yeah the “rich men” trope to explain behaviour makes me laugh. As if middle class or working class men have different opinions. I know y’all would like to put these drivers in some otherworldly category where you don’t have to confront the fact that they’re just ordinary people getting on with their lives the same way your boyfriend, friend, brother, and dad likely would in their position, but that’s still delusional thinking. You think only rich men ignore issues that don’t affect them? The entirety of the middle class is rioting in the streets, baying for whatever cause has got your knickers in a twist today, and it’s only the rich men getting on with their lives? Give me a break 🙄

[olderthannetfic]

I’m curious about your thoughts or even advice on this, if you’re willing. I had dinner last night with a group of four other people (acquaintances, but we’re in the process of becoming friends) and of course, we started talking about relationships and sex. Our ages range from early to late 20s, 2 men and 3 women. 

When we’re on the topic of virginity, one woman drops the fact that her first time having sex was when she got raped in high school. The tone of her statement seemed calculated in a way that discouraged the idea she was looking for pity, but the experience is clearly not something she feels okay with, either. 

I didn’t know what to say. And what ended up happening is one of the guys started to joke about it, and so she laughed along with it too. I really don’t think that was the reaction she was hoping for. 

I mean, trauma makes people uncomfortable and I’m sure that’s why it was turned into a joke, but I don’t think that was okay. 

However, I also don’t know how to react to that. I feel like this is a common way that people choose to share personal trauma. It is hard to have a dark and serious conversation. It is safer to share that sort of thing causally, in a humorous way. 

But just because humor is the way a person feels most comfortable with telling you something like that, I don’t think it’s appropriate to go along and encourage the idea that it’s a joke. 

How do you respond when someone does this? 

--

"Jeez, dude, that's rough," or words to that effect.

I wouldn't joke about it, but I'd respond with some low-stakes sympathy. That comes off as less pitying than making a big deal of it. There's not a lot you can say to a bombshell like that besides acknowledging the person and moving on.

If they're an inappropriate oversharer, this will rob them of what they want (drama, fawning sympathy), and if they're telling you because you're becoming friends but they aren't really sure how to bring it up or what response they actually want (which sounds like this case), it shows you care about them without making things weird and forcing the conversation to dwell on this topic.

[inkykeiji]

hi clari :p i just wanted to ask if flawless tomura is really in love with the reader? he’s my favorite of all your characters because he seems saner and more genuine than bmb tomura but some of the stuff he does/says seems like he doesn’t really love her

hehe hi anon!! <3 this is an interesting question, and it has an equally interesting and complex answer.

tw: discussions of abuse, drug addiction, mental illness, clari overshares, LONG answer

okay SO.

flawless tomura is, just like every other character i write, HEAVILY flawed as a person. he isn’t a ‘good’ person. he has a lot of issues/problematic qualities; he’s extremely entitled, he’s selfish, he is unhealthily possessive which leads to extreme jealousy and obsessiveness, he needs to be the boss at all the times and thus is extremely controlling, etc etc the list goes on. these are all huge red flags, obviously.

he is much more genuine than bmb tomura in the sense that he is extremely, extremely honest. he is so bluntly honest about his thoughts and his feelings, and he rarely lies unless he has a good reason to (and does not consider lying via omission—ie conveniently not telling reader about how he bought the consignment store and stalked her, is a drug addict, is heir to a yakuza empire, etc—to be lying. to him, it’s her fault that she didn’t ask. but he isn’t actively lying to her or hiding things from her; if she asked, he’d be brutally honest with her).

‘love’ can be a very interesting, complicated, complex and convoluted topic, depending on the relationship and the people. my father claims to love my mom, to love his kids, but he put us nearly a million dollars in debt, he stole money from all of us to support his drug addiction, he put me in some seriously dangerous situations when i was under ten fucking years old, all to support his drug addiction. he was and still is extremely abusive towards all of us. mental illness and extreme childhood trauma may be an explanation for his actions, but it isn’t and never will be an excuse. he is still responsible for his own decisions, and it is still his responsibility to get better, to DO better, and to be a decent fucking human being.

do i doubt his love? not necessarily, but he made a lot of very dire mistakes that caused all of us a lot of pain and irreversible scars, and eventually they’re no longer mistakes, they’re decisions, they’re conscious choices, they’re patterns of behaviour. and yet, despite these choices he consciously made, knowing they’d hurt those he loves and values most, i still wouldn’t say he doesn’t love us deeply and dearly, because i know my father, and i know he does.

a lot of people would say that these aren’t things you do to people you truly love, and i get that. i understand that sentiment. they most definitely are not things good and/or mentally healthy people do to those they love. i could never conceive doing any of the shit he did to us to my significant other. but the truth of it all is the people you love WILL hurt you at least once, because they are flawed human beings. and the truth is, no matter how hard you try not to, you WILL hurt the people you love at least once, because you are a flawed human being, too. i think, personally, what it comes down to is intent and reaction. we don’t usually mean to hurt our loved ones. those of us with good hearts don’t consciously make these decisions. and then it’s important to question: does that person take responsibility for their mistakes? do they acknowledge them and learn + grow from them and become better from them? or do they continue to make these choices even after they know they hurt you? etc.

i’m going off on this tangent to demonstrate how complex and complicated love can truly become when it involves a person like this; like tomura, like touya-nii, like my father. as i’m sure is very evident, my own father is a huge source of inspiration for the men i write, for lack of a better word. i am NOT going off on this tangent to excuse anyone’s behaviour or say it’s alright; no one deserves to be treated like this, and if anyone reading this finds themselves in a relationship like this, romantic or otherwise, please leave as soon as it is feasible; it is not healthy and it is not safe.

so does flawless!tomura genuinely love his reader? yes, absolutely. is it true love? i don’t know, what is true love, really? how do you define it? it’s a different answer for everyone. most of us would say no. but to HIM it most definitely is true love; he’d rip your fucking head off if you implied otherwise. this is the only way he personally can conceive love. does his ‘love’ excuse his abuse or make it okay? no, absolutely not, and it never will. but does he love her? yeah, he does.

it isnt always as black and white as people who have never experienced abuse would like you to believe. people are complicated, people are MESSY. conveniently, a lot of these themes and topics are touched upon in part two!

WHEW okay. that was a lot but i hope it helps a lil! art is subjective and i always welcome everyone who consumes my work to interpret it however they want to (death of the author n all that jazz, my own meaning + interpretation is only one of infinite), so this is my answer as the author. but it may also be beneficial (and fun!) to ask yourself what YOU think. how do you interpret his love/feelings and their relationship? what does true/real love mean to YOU? how do you define it? do the aggravating factors (ie who tomura is as a person, the fact that he won’t ever be capable of 100% healthy love) make an impact at all? do you believe this is love, or is it just really intense infatuation and obsession? etc!! you’re welcome to believe whatever you’d like <3 but this is my answer as the author! c:

[a-room-of-my-own]

Bonzhoor 👋

I've been following you for a little while and I wanted to ask you something if it's ok, sorry in advance for the oversharing 😭

I'm recently single (I'm a guy) and I find myself surprisingly unable to cope with one thing in particular, which is the lack of intimacy. I'm not talking about sex, but more about tenderness and contact.

I thought I'd be ok being single because I have good friends and a wonderful family, so socially I'm fine, and sex for me is a result, so to speak, of connection and intimacy, so if I'm not with a person with whom I share those I don't miss it.

But it's the kisses, the cuddles, the loving little gestures and words I miss so much. I wake up literally every morning craving the embrace of someone close, like a screaming need that's almost painful to feel.

I remember some time ago you replied to an anon saying you miss it sometimes but overall you feel fine without it so it might be an odd question but would you have, i don't really know, tips or advice on how to cope with it ? I feel like I'm doing what I should in order to be a balanced, healthy person on my own, but I have no idea how to address this part of being single.

I'm so sorry. I know it's very painful to miss that. To be honest, I think you're already healthy. My adaptation to loneliness is quite literally a byproduct of past trauma. I don't think the way I react or preventively protect myself is normal or healthy. I know it's very fashionable to be super independent, to love yourself and be your own best friend, but these recommendations are just a coping mechanism to tolerate a society more and more based on hyper-individualism.

In truth, we're social animals, and missing company, intimacy and love is normal. It means love and intimacy are something that doesn't feel dangerous or suspicious to you, like it can feel to me. And it's good! I don't know if it's because you grew up loved and secure in your attachments and feelings or if you built that yourself, but in any case, that is something I would love to have!

[stepfordmaxxing]

If you have all your alters listed on your page your just playing yourself as a fool.

Once saw a total ******* put their TRIGGERS AND TRAUMA in their bio for each alter

I wanted to scream at them at how stupid this was!!

I was once sexually abused chronically throughout a relationship, and my abuser knew how to pull out the alters who served him best. Its a form of mind control. Sure, its justtt tumblrrrr but if you truly have a dissociative disorder just please be careful. I know my words come out in a sting-y, mean way. Im a lot like my mother in that regard.

But bait gets people to actually read. So. I dont fucking know

What i say is true, mean words or not. Stop oversharing to the max like that. Protect your inner peace. Not even your therapist or life partner of many years needs to know every single alter

[sunkenclementine]

near-end, 2022; a cesspool

every once in a while i’ll come here to upload lengthy posts, just to reflect on what life’s been like. it’s no doubt difficult to carry on with clarity without having processed the past. hence an exercise in just that for the past few months... man this’ll be long. oversharing + tmi ahead but i doubt anyone i know follows this. first off, my grandma died. truly it was a culmination of multitude factors, but chiefly it was because of her children’s neglect. emotional and verbal abuse. if they’d cared even in the slightest, maybe they’d have taken a look at her ‘sleeping’ figure at least once in those eight hours and thought, “isn’t it peculiar that she’s asleep in the morning/afternoon?”, maybe they’d have flipped her over to see her frothing at the mouth and face a striking blue. maybe they’d have rushed her to the hospital whose treatment they definitely had the money to afford, instead of a seedier one whose treatments further complicated her conditions. this – this is hard to reconcile, the way they treated her. i know, from my mum’s stories, that none of them had it easy growing up; some had gotten into gangs/mixed with the wrong crowds, some were neglected more than others, some were physically beaten. which is why i’m certain they still harbour trauma stemming from their childhoods, still hold grudges against the people who were meant to raise them well, show them care, love them. those grudges were probably what might’ve alienated them from her; they didn’t see a need for someone who abused/played a role in perpetuating abuse against them. and i feel for them; it’s not like any of them have the means of receiving therapy when they didn’t grow up in an environment where mental health was ever perceived as a priority, where ‘trauma’ was never conceived as a concept to begin with. i still see that childhood trauma continuing to manifest in them as adults: one says he drinks and smokes to die, one falters in maintaining familial relations, one spits venom to mask a cripplingly low self-esteem, one spends his days praying away and is afraid of returning to the home is mum lived in. it’s fucking heartbreaking to see that none of them have ever really, or don’t see the need to confront what their younger selves had endured; to come to terms with or reckon with their hardships. maybe, just maybe, if they’d healed themselves (or ‘inner children’ – i’ve seen that term online), they’d have at the very least gone non-contact with their mum, or felt okay enough to care for their mum – not abuse her and deteriorate her existing condition. i don’t expect them to take care of her willingly, i understand why they might not want to. but, but. i don’t expect them to be so quick in hustling to settle the wills, allocation of lands/property etc. i don’t expect them to so callously say, “see, this is why i’m glad i don’t have female kids,” while their sister’s crying in the hospital at a prospective death. i don’t... i don’t know. perhaps their trauma masks them from seeing how others treasured the same person who’d abused them – that, i can understand. but some basic empathy, some sensitivity towards those who are grieving? i don’t know if that’s unreasonable to expect, i honestly don’t know. i just know that i don’t know how any of them truly feel about this; my comments are mere speculation. nonetheless, i’m not comfortable interacting with them anymore (save for one uncle). the video calls i’d had with my mum when she was alone in india continue to haunt me; man, i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone look so hollowed out and battered down. she’d left singapore with so much hope, individual and collective, that her mum would pull through. but the next few days had taken such a huge fucking toll on her... man, her gaze was unfocused, it didn’t look like she’d been sleeping or eating, and she just hummed in response, didn’t say a word. couldn’t coax anything substantial out of her. i mean, that’s expected of someone who’s experiencing something traumatic, yeah? but god, she had virtually no emotional support system till my sister flew over too (which i’m eternally glad for). sometimes i think: india’s the place my mum spent her life in up till her mid-20s. the place characterises her youth, her childhood; her younger years are contained in that country. i wonder if she’d felt herself relegated back to the mind of her younger self, especially since she was alone, with no one but her siblings. and to have to witness the passing of a mother you’d only occasionally seen and talked to over the past two decades, in a space practically grounded in the interactions you’d had with her – there must be a wall of guilt and shame she’d had felt. i hope she knows, internalises some day, that she did her absolute best to care for her mum. might not have been able to give her the golden years she’d longed for, but she did her best. by no means was she a bad child. just a child who did her best. and that alone is enough. i hope she accepts that some day; i can’t imagine it being easy to come by, but. i hope her hearts welcomes the ease that comes with that realisation some day. i’ll always admire her for the selflessness she showed in those last few months.

[luckyisepic]

prologue: how to run away

i’ve always wanted to start a blog somewhere, documenting small parts of my life for a later 80 yr old me to come across and reminisce. but every time i opened a page in my journal, or created a new account to start writing, i always ended up bailing. maybe because starting something new is hard and i’m lazy, maybe because if someone found this and randomly traced it to my real life location i could get kidnapped, or maybe i’ll start to realize that after all these years, i haven’t done anything that warrants enough attention for me to write about, or that no one would care what a random stranger on the internet thinks about random shit. after all, with 15 yr olds winning the olympics or debuting as idols, i can’t help but feel that i am losing a race that i never wanted to participate in from the start.

i don’t know what changed my mind. probably because starting this blog might make me feel like i actually accomplished something before i turn another year older, or maybe my words could actually interest someone, but here i am, about to write my entire life and thoughts into sentences and paragraphs that are badly worded and full of grammar mistakes. 

welcome! my name is emma, i’m an 18 yr old pisces rising with a buttload of trauma and undiagnosed mental illness (i’m working on it i promise). i have the best music taste and terrible shit humour, a lot of opinions on the most random things, and i love to overshare. i hope whoever you are, reading this whenever, you can find whatever you need to keep on going, and realize that life isn’t always about the highs. the lows and flatlines are often the times that you learn what it truly means to be living. 

[unearthingandrebuilding]

Bad things being unsuppressed, it seems.

Horrible things.

Was coming up a lot on Saturday. Did not feel amazing. I was desperately trying to find going out and drinking and pubbing or clubbing plans. Found some. Went out at like 2am. I'm pretty ashamed, man.

Doesn't feel good. Triggering myself more, too, in a way, in the ways that I "cope."

Because I don't feel great about the way I acted or the decisions that I made. Like, what a mess.

This isn't an easy thing to deal with, what came up. And it doesn't feel good to feel like some things are going backwards. It felt like life was getting better for a while, you know? And that felt good.

Today I intentionally skipped all my meetings at work. And I haven't done much at all, productivity wise. I guess that's fair, but yeah.

I do not feel great.

Was trauma dumping and oversharing all over the place at the weekend. Being extremely extroverted again, to the point I just remind myself of people I'd put as weird and creepy and narcissistic that I've met in my own life in the past. Like, I don't feel like my behaviour is normal, man. Behaviour of a traumatised person though, I guess.

I hope I've not sabotaged my life, as well. There's this guy I've had feelings for. He gives the worst mixed signals in a way, or maybe he's just not interested in something more. But it feels like he is at times, or at least that he does like me more than he will admit - as he seems to get jealous at times and has given a signal or two that suggests... something. Idk if I'm wrong but yeah. Signals would point to something, despite words at one time.

Idk. But then there's me going out clubbing and going home with some guy. I didn't even kiss anyone or anything, but if one was to hear stories, or even know I was out (which he does), or see my location the next day (which he might have), they might put a story together. I think that's what's bothering me more than anything. I don't want to ruin something that I might not even have had... And I don't know if I'm being delusional. I notice so many little signals and signs with people sometimes. I have noticed this guy isn't making jokes directed at me or anything like that since. But that doesn't have to mean something, or mean what I'm thinking.

Idk. This has been a ramble. But I feel better now, I do.

[mothric]

what enneagram type is the one that gets pissed off by enneagram 4s bc I'm that one

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Buck NEEDS Trauma Processing, Stat!

Because of Buck’s really surprising 516 discussion of his 218 leg injury and early s3 blood clots etc, the impact of the shooting and hostage situation on Buck have been on my mind A LOT lately. The floodgates are opening for him…wider than before apparently. We’ve known for a while that Buck needs to process the traumas he’s experienced but his graphic overshare with a patient on a rescue (combined with Eddie’s overwhelm & plea for Buck to stop!) really drove that point home for me.

I can’t stop thinking about Buck’s various reactions to Eddie being shot in 414. Buck was shook to his core! 

We only have 2 more eps left in s5 and we have still only gotten honorable mentions of the shooting, but no actual discussion of either of their specific feelings about it! Both men are still incredibly reticent to get into. There are a host of character and narrative reasons why I guess, but if the silence around it was loud at the start of s5 then it’s deafening now in the 11th hour!

Eddie’s run in with the well back in s3 affected Buck but the show didn’t really show us much of the impact beyond the episode in which it happened. The shooting was different. We have gotten tidbits of quiet reactions from Buck that I think are specifically related to the shooting (and of course is pinging things that came before and after).

In 502 when Eddie talks about the panic attacks, Buck suggests that it could be about the shooting and Eddie dismisses that. I couldn’t find the exact gif I wanted but Buck looked away like he needed to hide the fact that the shooting did indeed still affect him, even if Eddie claimed to be fine. It was like he was in a low-key version of “stow it away and save the next one” mode where Eddie was the next one in that case because of the panic attacks.

Then in 506 Buck is worried out of his mind about Eddie again. He spends the whole ambulance ride staring at Mitchell’s gun and then just waiting in the hospital for Eddie to make it out of the deadly situation alive. While he’s waiting he looked terrified most of the time but also like a man who was reminded of the shooting and his terror in that situation too. But he swallows it.

Eddie of course has a TON going on this season. I think Eddie is working his way up to talking about the shooting and hostage situation with Buck if Eddie’s conversation with Carla in 510 and his therapy session in 513 with Frank are any indication. Eddie’s going through a slow, measured, therapist-guided ascent from the depths of his pain. He’ll get to the shooting (and by extension the hostage situation) eventually I think but he’s not ready quite yet. There’s an order of operations and he’s working the problem. 

Buck seems different. He’s stowed it away. Maybe he’s avoiding the hard topic for his own sake, or waiting for Eddie to be ready to process it with him, or both. Either way, Buck does seem personally invested in pretending like he’s fine. I mean - the man did say sometimes “I hide my true feelings from others” at the start of s4. He was leveled by the shooting in ways I don’t think he can quite put into words yet. On top of that, it’s like if he can’t start the conversation in terms of Eddie’s well-being first and foremost (rather than his own) then it’s not worth bringing up. 

Buck mentioned the shooting in 514 but it was just a mention and expressly for the purpose of helping Eddie to see that he’d given Charlie a second chance. Even when Buck raised the issue of the shooting in a practical and focused way, he broke eye contact for a second and ducked his head way down in what seemed like intentionally non-threatening (and maybe guilty?) body language. It stood out to me because Buck is tall and takes up space but he seemed to be working hard not to in that moment. Like he wanted Eddie to know without a doubt that this wasn’t Buck’s time to feel his feelings about the shooting, but Eddie’s time to gain some healing perspective.

I would imagine that Buck still harbors feelings of fear, shame, and guilt over the shooting and then the hostage situation compounded that because he had to leave Eddie with Mitchell. I don’t think he feels like he’s allowed to be wrecked too over how afraid he was and how helpless he felt and over almost losing someone who means so damn much to him. 

Even in 516 when Buck was worried about Bobby after the dispatch ceiling collapse, later at the hospital, something about the way Buck looked at Eddie while everyone was talking about Bobby how luck Bobby was made me think that conversation was probably talking about both Bobby and Eddie being lucky to be alive! Like Buck was taking that moment to acknowledge/celebrate Bobby’s new lease on life and bask in Eddie’s too!

All the moments above where it looked like Buck was actively swallowing or hiding his feelings for Eddie’s sake, they all stood out for me because I think that pattern of Buck pretending with Eddie has to break this season, just like Eddie’s pattern had to break with Buck. 

I wonder if the Buck issue that some folks been predicted at the Henren vow renewal (thanks @stagefoureddiediaz​ & bts pics of white-shirt clad Buck!) will have something to do with Buck’s emotional dam breaking down and his trauma being forced to the surface! Perhaps a trigger event like cocktail sauce all over his perfect white shirt ?!?!?! Bonus points if Eddie causes this or sees this happen and has to whisk Buck away due to dissociation or a panic attack!

The last thing I want is for the Henren vow renewal to be highjacked by Buck’s feelings but I think there are some creative ways to have a moment where something happens with Buck and they have to at least broach the fact that there are unresolved shooting issues/feelings for Buck too, not just Eddie.