#anyone get that Starfox reference?

[ourmadramblr]

DO A BARREL ROLL

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #232: And Now... Starfox!

June, 1983

“From Titan with love... Starfox!”

oh god no

Err. Anyway.

Last time on Avengers Z, the Avengers were bad enough dudes and lady dudes to rescue the president from wooden dopplegangers. The sinister and badly dressed Plantman (not to be confused with a Mega Man boss) summoned a giant-sized man-shaped swamp thing to battle the Avengers. They were doing a decent job fighting it when Starfox crashed his spaceship into it in his rush to join the Avengers.

And now, what happens after that.

Hawkeye is a terrible patient.

So also last time, a ceiling fell on Hawkeye’s leg and it be broke. He’s apparently the kind of dude who thinks its more manly to refuse anesthetic so She-Hulk has to literally pin him down long enough for Ordinary Doctor Donald Blake to cast it up.

And wow, that cast goes all the way up!

Where did you break your leg, Clint? At the sternum?

Actually this reminds me of Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes because Hawkeye got his arm snaked and in-this-version-a-paramedic Jane Foster was asked to look at it but Hawkeye was similarly uncooperative there.

I wonder if that was an intentional reference or whether an accurate portrayal of Clint’s sparking personality just gets you there naturally.

But with the casting call done, Dr. Donald Blake makes to leave, making a point to mention how lucky that he was in town instead of in Chicago where he supposedly lives.

THUS Thor’s secret identity is secure forever.

Wasp and Captain America take Ordinary Doctor Donald Blake to the elevator to show him out but really, he just transforms back to Thor in the elevator.

Because Cap and Wasp already know his secret identity. As does Dra- oh wait, he’s dead. As does Iron Man.

In fact, after Cap mentions he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to seeing Dr. Donald Blake transform, Thor mentions very few mortals have ever seen the change.

Thor: “E’en Iron Man -- with whom I did share the secret of my dual life -- seldom watched me assume my godlike form. I believe it disturbed him.’

Wasp: “Uh-huh.”

Uh-huh is right. That’s a weird, random character beat! I wonder why it bothered Tony. Is it the god part? Transformation in general? Would it bother him to watch Bruce Banner turn into the Hulk? Or Captain Marvel/old broke version and Rick Jones chaaaaange places?

I’m intrigued. And yet there’s no further information. Hmm.

Anyway, the three founding or retroactively made a founding Avengers pass through two sets of ultra-security doors because obviously the thing in your base you most want to protect is your conference table.

Its got the cool, personalized chairs. Don’t judge.

As always, I wonder what symbols the other Avengers get.

Wasp delayed the resumption of the Avengers meeting (because it got interrupted by presidential ransom situation last issue) by a half hour because she wanted to run some things past Thor and Cap.

Wasp: “After all, we are the only core members on active duty and... well... I wanted to ask you both first... should I step down as Avengers chairwoman?”

Thor asks if she feels unduly burdened by the job but she says no, in fact it makes her feel so aliiiiiiiiiiive.

Cap: “Then stick with it, Jan! You’ve been doing a fine job! What on Earth made you even think of stepping down? Surely you don’t blame yourself for Iron Man leaving -- ?”

Surely in fact, she does do.

That weird call they got from an Iron Man quitting the team has shaken her. She probably thinks its because of Wasp dumping him. And in fairness, Tony ghosting the team happened not very long after that. But its not actually related.

Also apparently, Captain Marvel (the new cool one) was made a full active member and not an in-training to fill the vacancy Iron Man left. But now Hawkeye has gotten injured and there are no reserve members available.

Hercules is off doing him knows what. Beast is with the Defenders. Wonder Man is on the West Coast, presumably trying to make it in Hollywood. Vision and Scarlet Witch are trying to be civilians.

Wasp: “We used to have too many members around. Now we may not have enough!”

Yeah, ever since the roster shake-up that was soon followed by Hank’s No Good Very Bad Day, the Avengers have had a bit of a difficulty in keeping the team at good numbers.

Dammit, Hank!

Thor suggests, hey, we have Eros of Titan hanging around asking to be made a member. Why not... let him?

Thor: “Perhaps we should induct the brash Eros! He is swift -- and nearly as strong as an Asgardian!”

Cap: “Yes, but is he Avengers material? Does he have the proper training?”

Wasp: “Training! That’s it! We could try him out as an Avenger-in-training! It worked for Captain Marvel! She was almost totally unused to super-powers when she came to us, but she developed into a peach of an Avenger! With a little on-the-job training, I’ll bet Eros would fit in, too!”

So she calls the White House and asks if the president is back from his kidnapping yet. She has networking strings to pull.

And this honestly brightens her right up. Being group leader really does make her feel so aliiiiiiiiiiive. That and being able to call in favors from the government.

Twenty-six minutes of calling in favors later, Wasp reconvenes the meeting, this time with special guest Eros.

She asks why he wants to be an Avenger.

Eros: “Why not?”

This gives Hawkeye an anger and he bangs the table and also accidentally bangs his broken leg.

Eros decides to expand on his answer and says that he’s a lover of adventure and what better way to seek it than as an Avenger? He’s already aided them in the past so they already know of him.

Thor: “Aye! Against the threat of your mad brother, Thanos!”

Eros: “Too true. But I believe your brother Loki has also given the Avengers trouble hasn’t he?”

Wasp has to interrupt and tell the two to keep family matters out of the conversation. She makes a better moderator than some.

Eros: “You are quite right, Wasp! I hold no one -- god or man -- responsible for the actions of relatives! I seek but your fellowship! Indeed, I can think of no assemblage so appealing... so charming... anywhere in the cosmos!”

Wasp, Captain Marvel, and She-Hulk seem to approve of this answer.

... WAIT ARE YOU USING YOUR CHARM POWERS ON THEM? EROOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!

Anyway, since Hawkeye is out of action-

Hawkeye: “What do you mean, ‘out of action’? Who says I am?”

Cap(tain America) says he is and tells him he can’t be expected to charge into action with his leg in a cast. Which Hawkeye sadly agrees.

Anyway, since Hawkeye is out of action, Wasp decides that the Avengers can accomodate Eros as an Avenger-in-training. But the government did have one condition for letting his alien man become an Avenger.

He needs a codename.

Wasp: “Frankly, the president was hesitant to approve of anyone named Eros. He would rather you were called something less provocative in public.”

Hey, fuck you, Reagan.

But Wasp has an idea.

Wasp: “You’re a pretty foxy guy... and you’ve been out among the stars... how about ‘Starfox!’”

Good god, Wasp. Did you really just name this man Spacehunk? You’ve gone mad with power.

Also, I jumped the gun last post. I didn’t realize that Wasp comes up with his codename here so I was using Starfox to refer to him already.

Also also, he has a fox emblem on his shirt. Why does he do that if he wasn’t Starfox yet? What does the fox represent in Titanian culture??

Eros: “Starfox? I don’t know... Is this necessary?”

Captain America: “Well, it could make things easier, and you’d still be Eros to your friends. After all, my real name isn’t Captain America!”

Eros: “It isn’t?”

Hah.

I adore that last exchange.

Imagine the incredulity in the tone. ‘I thought that Earth names were Just Like That.’

Anyway, Eros accepts the name Spacehunk Starfox and the position of in-training so Wasp decides to get him started right away.

Remember that thing with the president and the wood men? Happened like an hour ago?

Well, there’s a Navy task force tracking the submarine which was spotted escaping from the scene and they’ve requested Avengers help. But, eh, why send the whole team?

So Wasp sends Thor, Captain Marvel, and Starfox-in-training.

And in fairness! That’s a trio that can handle a whole heck of a lot with their respective powers!

So off they go.

Starfox: “Duty and glory, Thor! Songs shall be written about this day -- even if I must write them myself!”

You know. That’s actually a very good attitude to have. Eros will be the fanfiction he wants to see in the world.

With that issue handled, Cap(tain America) and Wasp head off to take care of some other business.

Leaving She-Hulk and Hawkeye with only each other as company.

Hah.

On their way to the mission, Captain Marvel zooms all around, practicing her cornering in flight. As a new superhero... like its been under a month, I think? Captain Marvel still thinks flying is the neatest thing.

And she’s right!

But she’s also discovered a new ability. Since her energy form is made of energy and she has control over energy. Instead of flying around as a vaguely her shaped glowing blur, she can concentrate to create a light image of herself, why not!

She has made herself harder to draw but easier to portray!

Thor: “Your radiance rivals that of the golden apples of immortality!”

Captain Marvel: “I’ll have to take your word for that!”

Hah.

She zooms over to where Starfox is flying. Captain Marvel has been eyeing him throughout the book, which Wasp has been assuming was because he’s a space hunk.

But maybe she just wanted to learn more about Captain Mar-Vell because that’s what she asks Starfox about.

Starfox: “He was a gentle warrior... a noble soul. He was a true hero... Worthy of rank and name!”

I guess the description or the sadness Starfox still has at Mar-Vell’s death makes Monica feel like shit, like maybe she isn’t worthy, so she zooms ahead to let the navy know the Avengers are on their way.

Starfox: “Have I offended her?”

Thor: “Eros, I begin to wonder if your reputation with the ladies is truly deserved.”

Hah.

But also: If you have magical fuck-me powers you don’t need to actually be charming, I guess? Dammit, Starfox!

Captain Marvel arrives on the deck of the navy task force flagship as a bolt of lighting (SHAZAM!), alarming the navy in two ways.

First, lightning. Its just so loud! But second, wait the Avengers only sent one person?

Captain Marvel goes nah I got Thor and Spacehunk but they’re slowpokes. Not moving the speed of light. Imagine.

Admiring Admiral: I don’t know who the redhead is, but I’d sail into Hades itself with Thor in my crew!

Its fun the insight we get into how respected and beloved Thor is. I don’t think that’s the case anymore with modern Thor. The marvel citenzry has just become jaded to the cool hammer man.

The admiral explains the situation. That they’re chasing the submarine seen in the area of the presidential ransom attempt. But its hiding in an undersea canyon that navy frogmen kero kero can’t reach and that its somehow been deflecting depth charges.

The admiral was going to wait for navy subs to arrive but hey, if the Avengers want to try, this is their book.

Meanwhile, in aforementioned sinister submarine, the horticultural horror... Plantman! Nah, just kidding. He’s a goofus and I will point and laugh.

His cool sub lets him pre-explode the depth charges before they reach his sub but even he doesn’t want to tangle with trident-class submarines so he wants to skedaddle. And if the navy is blocking his way, the navy gotta pay.

He activates his PLANT RAY which is a real thing, look it up, and energizes the kelp in the undersea canyon.

The kelp reaches up like a kraken, a kelpken, and starts trying to pull the navy ships under.

Thor: “‘Tis an attack by yet another form of plant! Our unknown foe has struck again! Stand you back... the son of Odin shall end this threat!”

And then Thor jumps into the ocean, leading a confused Starfox to ask whether Thor needs to breath.

Captain Marvel helpfully informs him and the audience that Thor can hold his breath for hours.

Thanks, Monica!

And then some kelp yanks Starfox and then Captain Marvel off the ship.

Meanwhile, a very expensive Manhattan apartment occupied by a grumpy Tony Stark.

Tony Stark: “Why waste good money getting a T.V. remote control fixed, when I can do it myself faster an’ better? Hah! When I’m done with it, it’ll do more’n change channels... it’ll walk the blasted dog!”

... Tony, how though?

And do you have a dog?

What is going on in your mind?

His remote repair reverie is interrupted by a binging and a bonging on his chamber door. Only this and nothing more.

He grouses about the interruption but HEY ITS HIS FAVORITE PEOPLE! Its Wasp and Captain America!

They’ve been stalking him, a little.

The pressing matters they had to attend to was running down a list of homes owned by Tony and searching them one by one to find him.

He’s happy to see them though and offers them some morning whiskey. Or bourbon. Or perhaps chocolate soda.

Look, I googled eyeopener and its booze you drink in the morning to wake up although I’m pretty sure its afternoon now and if you need to drink booze to wake up, you might want to consider limiting your intake actually. Especially for Tony Stark who had an entire story arc about alcoholism. Dammit Tony!

Wasp: “Eye-opener?! Tony Stark, where’s your mind? We’ve been worried sick about you! No one’s been able to find you for days on end -- you haven’t answered Avengers emergency calls -- and when you did call this morning it was to resign!”

Tony Stark: “Now jus’ hold yer horses! Maybe I have been outta touch... but I’ve had my own ‘mergencies to handle! An’ I didn’t call you this morning! I don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

Iron Man: “He’s right! I’m the one who made that call!”

Imagine being someone who reads Avengers and not Iron Man. How blown would your mind be seeing Iron Man fly into a room Tony Stark is already in?

Somewhat, right? Somewhat.

Imagine being Captain America and Wasp and seeing Iron Man fly into a room where Tony Stark is when you know for sure that Iron Man and Tony Stark are the same guy.

Cap demands to know whats going on and who is in Tony’s armor.

Tony Stark: “Jus’ who he appears to be... Iron Man, my faithful armored companion and bodyguard... jus’ like it says in the Stark International press releases! Ya see, boys an’ girls, ol’ Uncle Tony has decided to quit the hero biz while he’s still ahead of the game! No more playin’ Iron Man for me! Nosirrebob! Time to let a younger man wear the boilerplate!”

Oh.... Tony.... if this only weren’t the perpetual superhero narrative, you might be able to bow out gracefully.

And its not like this is gracefully anyway. As indicated by the charmingly tousled look, the slurred speech and the morning drinking in the afternoon, Tony is quite drunk.

Wasp asks New Iron Man to confirm and he does. He clarifies that the reason he quit the Avengers is because he doesn’t feel experienced enough yet to hold his own on the team.

And apologizes for the confusion. The Iron Man helmet has voice modifying circuits so New Iron Man (secretly James Rhodes) sounded just like Old Iron Man (aka Tony Stark). He didn’t realize that the Avengers knew Tony’s secret so didn’t realize he’d just be creating an intriguing mystery prompting readers to check out the Iron Man book slash confuse the Avengers.

Tony Stark: “Yeah... I forgot to tell ya that Cap an’ the Wasp were in on the ol’ secret. Thor, too! Oh, well... no harm done!”

Then he drinks some more booze alcohol. Cap asks him doesn’t he think he’s had enough? And Tony is like hey no I don’t and don’t butt into my life kthx.

Wasp: “We don’t want to pry, Tony! We just don’t want to see you throw your life away... like Hank did.”

Tony Stark: “I am not Hank Pym, lady! I’m nothin’ like your ex-hubby! I don’t need your help -- an’ you don’t need mine! The Stark Foundation will pay the Avengers’ bills with or without me! So, if you’ll kindly get out of my life -- !”

Oof. Why does everyone Wasp dates turn out to be a jerk?

I assume she was just leaning into it the time she dated Havok. But otherwise, oof.

They really have no choice but to leave Tony to make his own bad decisions. At least he was responsible enough to get someone else in the Iron Man armor?

Geez though. Geez.

Hate seeing you like this, Tones.

Meanwhile, back in the Atlantic Ocean... Captain Marvel fairly casually assesses the situation of being dragged into the water.

Captain Marvel: “Never saw any kelp like this before! It grips tighter than an octopus, and it feels as tough as steel! I could just turn to some form of energy and slip out of it, but then it could grab some poor sailor!”

So instead she explodes, which she can do, shredding the kelp holding her.

Then off she goes to find how Starfox is faring.

He’s faring okay. Just casually punching some kelp like it ain’t no thing.

But since teamwork does make the dream work, she blasts the kelp for him. Starfox thanks her though also says that he could’ve kelped himself.

They discuss how they can hear each other perfectly well underwater thanks to SCIENCE! The science of water conducting sound. I find it a bit dubious but whatever. Not as dubious as the next bit.

Captain Marvel asks how Starfox is breathing underwater.

Starfox: “A thin shell of air clung to me as I was pulled under... due to the gravitic potential of my body, I suppose! It all relates to my flying abilities. I was surprised myself! This is the first time I’ve ever taken an ocean plunge!”

Fun way to discover that, huh!

Also, heck, how long does a thin shell of air last underwater? How shallowly do you breathe, man!?

-google- Huh, Wikipedia has this description of his powers using almost the exact words (although not the word order) from this scene. I feel that it does not come up much so this is the primary source.

It also says that he doesn’t need to breathe as much as a normal hooman. So that’s answered.

The two newest Avengers find Thor already has things well in hand freeing the propeller without need for any further kelp.

So all three Avengers surface (and Thor retrieves his helmet, which in a nice bit fell off when he dove into the water and just floated on the surface).

Thanks to ex-boat cop Monica Rambeau knowing navy semaphore, she recognizes the signal from the navy vessel that the enemy sub is making a run for it.

And since none of these three Avengers have trouble fighting underwater, Starfox suggests they give chase.

Plantman: “NO! Not the Avengers! Not again!”

Yes, again. Yes, always.

He shoots some anti-personnel torpedoes, hoping they’re enough to stop the Avengers.

“They’re not.”

Hah. I love when captions get sassy.

The Avengers soon are busting into the sub, breaking through bulkheads and coming for Plantman.

Plantman realizes that they’ll have him trapped in the control cabin in seconds. So he pulls the last resort lever that his silent partner told him to pull as a last resort.

Some manner of escape sphere forms around Plantman, launching him high into the stratosphere and capsizing the sub right on top of the Avengers.

I mean, they’re beefy. I’m sure they’ll be fine.

But no time to verify that, SCENE CHANGE.

Over on Central Park West, She-Hulk has carried Hawkeye all the way from Avengers’ Mansion to his apartment. On foot.

Dang! Mighty nice of her! Even Hawkeye points out that he could have gotten a cab.

(But do we believe that Hawkeye has money for a cab?)

After gently dumping Hawkeye on his couch, She-Hulk asks if he wants to have her stick around. She literally has nothing better to do today.

Hawkeye: “Will you get out of here and leave me alone!!”

She-Hulk huffs off in anger because this is a rude way to thank someone who helps you home.

Hawkeye even realizes that he shouldn’t have yelled “but I can’t stand to have anyone mother-hen me! Besides, I have things to do... important things!”

Yeah, Hawkeye does seem like the kind of guy who hates getting any help at all because men are self-reliant and junk. Toxic masculinityyyyyyy!

And the important things? I dunno! He calls his head of security workplace Cross Technological Enterprises and tells them to send a car for him.

That’s probably going to be a thing in another issue. God forbid it be a thing in another book. I’m not made of time. I’m still dreading West Coast Avengers where Hawkeye goes off and makes his own team. The jerk.

Okay, back to the plot.

Thor, Captain Marvel, and Starfox of course shake off a submarine imploding on their heads without much effort. Starfox is the most shaken by it. Guess the new guy isn’t used to submarine implosions lol.

Meanwhile, Plantman’s escape pod keeps escaping up, up, and away but mostly just up.

Then a prerecorded message from Plantman’s ‘silent partner’ and/or ‘mysterious benefactor’ plays.

Wizard: “Plant-Man! This is a recording. If you have been so stupid as to get yourself in a predicament where you needed to use the emergency handle, you are now hearing this message.”

“While I appreciated your aid in escaping prison, the equipment I gave you should be considered payment in full. I owe you nothing more than an explanation.”

“Thanks to my anti-gravity generators -- which you activated along with this module -- you will soon find yourself safely in orbit!”

Plantman: “In orbit!”

Wizard: “There, you will be of no further embarrassment to me or our ‘partnership’ as you so distastefully called it. You will be beyond harm... for as long as your oxygen holds out. Farewell!”

Oof. Ice cold.

Ice cold, the Wizard.

Captain Marvel phases through the pod floor to basically say the same thing.

Plantman begs her to save him from his own dumb decision making. She’s like huh look, I don’t really know about anti-gravity but I do have an idea.

Then she blows a hole in the side of the pod.

And the pressure difference blasts Plantman out of the pod, right through Captain Marvel who has turned into intangible energy.

Captain Marvel: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

HAH!

That was mean, Monica. I love it.

But as Plantman hurtles screaming toward the ground, Thor catches him and tells him to stop screaming beside.

Thor: “Cease your cowardly whining! The Avengers do not wantonly kill their foes... not even such as you!”

These days though... well... probably still not wantonly? Depending on how you define it? Maybe during War of Realms though. The kid gloves came off then.

Starfox is loving this by the way. The whole thing that just happened.

Starfox: “What grand sport! Yes, I think I’m going to enjoy being an Avenger!”

‘Ha ha we made that guy think he was going to die!’

Also, Plantman’s outfit looked green and purple in the sub. I guess it was the lighting because its just jolly green now. But its still a terrible outfit.

Meanwhile, back at Avengers’ mansion, Wasp is back from Tony Stark locating duty! She-Hulk is back from being angry at Hawkeye duty!

She-Hulk mentions that she took Hawkeye to his apartment and for a loudmouth, he has a really nice apartment.

She-Hulk: “I wish I could find a nice apartment, but I’m still getting lost in this town. I don’t know where to begin looking.”

Wasp: “Well, if you’re so set on getting a place of your own, why don’t I give you a hand?”

Wasp is going to fulfill her delayed promise to take She-Hulk apartment hunting! And hey, why not focus her efforts on a friend that will let her help?

So Wasp changes into street clothes (or since we see her shrink later, its more that she changed her Wasp outfit and put clothes over it, which is almost like getting dressed in street clothes) and takes Jen out on the town.

Apparently, the Daily Bugle has the largest section on rentals and real estate of any New York paper. I guess they need something aside from diatribes about Spider-Man to attract subscribers.

Ben Urich’s award winning investigative journalism can’t pay all the bills.

Because this is the same New York which frustrated Tigra, some idiot immediately starts hitting on She-Hulk at the newsstand.

Some idiot: “‘Ey, beeg mama! I love that green body paint! You need any help removing it? Huh?”

She-Hulk: “Stuff it, creep! Or better yet -- stuff you!”

And she puts the garbage man in the garbage can. Where he belongs. While Wasp literally looks the other way.

She-Hulk: “Sorry, Jan, I just don’t care for men with fresh mouths. This sort of thing would never happen in California.”

Wasp: “Oh, fer shure...”

That sounds like the polite way of saying ‘Doubt.’ Surely there are sexist jerks everywhere?

Sadly for the She-Hulk Apartment Hunt, her expectations are also a little LA centric. You’re just not going to find an affordable condo with a hot-tub in New York.

Wasp asks what She-Hulk has against the free rent at Avengers Mansion with its built-in sauna that they’ve apparently always had but never mentioned.

Avengers Mansion is real nice!

She-Hulk says she can’t get behind the idea of living where she works but as someone who works from home its actually highly recommended! Although, She-Hulk’s situation is more ‘firemen live in the firehouse’ so it lacks the ‘don’t have to wear pants to work’ aspect.

Then the apartment hunt is interrupted by an incoming crossover slash a stampede.

She-Hulk grabs a random panicking passerby out of the crowd and asks whats going on but he can’t give a good answer.

She-Hulk: “Hot dog! I was hoping something would happen to break up the monotony. So far, this afternoon has been a big, dull...” -THUD-

First, I love She-Hulk’s enthusiasm for punching.

Also, hey, who put thin air in She-Hulk’s way!

There’s some kind of invisible barrier right across the sidewalk.

She-Hulk instantly decides that the thing to do is to TEAR INTO THE PAVEMENT TO SEE HOW DEEP IT GOES.

Instead of, y’know, feeling to see how wide it stretches.

Wasp tries blasting thin air too but to no avail.

Despite She-Hulk reminding everyone that “at close range, your sting can knock down a wall!”

And when she really tries, a whole house.

She-Hulk: “Wasp... This is impossible! We’re Avengers! Nothing can stop us!”

Wasp: “She-Hulk... I’ve the strangest feeling it just did.”

And apparently: this is to be continued in THE ANNIHILATION GAMBIT! Which is a crossover with Fantastic Four!

Which means I actually need to pop over to an Avengers Annual first because despite running into the invisible wall (Sue, is that you?) the Avengers are doing stuff on the Moon before getting involved.

I dunno. I’ll see when I get to it.

And you will too! Provided you follow @essential-avengers​! Also maybe like and reblog? Who can say.

[bbs-backlog-challenge]

Games Of 2020

Bet there’s gonna be loads of very trite retrospectives this year. 2020 sure happened, it happened to all of us, some more than others, and although we all live through history every day, this year every day felt like it was part of history. Video games!!! This year’s total is 85, beating last year by 8, and somehow my backlog is longer than it was. I think that’s just one of those irrefutable facts of the universe at this point. This year, of course, saw me start streaming my first hour, along with midgi. Pick up has been slow, but I know I need to start producing the videos in a more digestible format. Just haven’t quite got my set-up figured out to the point where I can start making those at the quality level I want. It’s coming. That’s for 2021! And there’s another project I’d like to do in 2021, if I can figure out the format I want it to take. Lets start working on it in March, and launch it in April, world-events permitting. Video games!

- Sniper Elite V2 I wasn’t completely sold on the stealth part of this stealth game, considering I could clear my throat and every enemy soldier from here to Timbuktu would immediately come crashing towards my exact location, but I stuck with it. ...Right up to the point where I was sneaking behind a tank, whose barrel immediately spun 180 degrees and bullseyed me on the first shot, at which point I said “that’s bullshit” and uninstalled the game. Yes, it was a ragequit, but life is too short to put up with marksman tanks. - Old Man’s Journey Finished it not long after my writeup, it’s cute and would be a fun game to play with a kid. Very storybook. A little sad at the end, but we expected that. - Ys Seven This game has some real trouble with its signposting. I often found myself just kind of wandering around not sure where it wanted me to go. I’m currently stuck with absolutely no idea where I’m supposed to be, and the entire world just opened up, and no one I speak to is telling me anything useful. Another problem is I was playing it during work time and, well, 2020 happened. Will probably pick it back up once work starts. - Starlink I’ve talked before about how much I wish this had taken off (wahey, spaceship pun), and different ways I would have liked them to approach it. Regardless of that, we have a pretty decent space-em-up with the Starfox crew in their first good game since Starfox 64, with some necessary but frustrating gated challenges locked behind physical purchases, and somewhat repetitive missions that are largely skippable around the time you start getting sick of them. Worth a punt, even if you’re just buying it for the (very nice) Arwing model. - Trials Of Mana (SNES) It’s gorgeous and the soundtrack is great, but the gameplay could stand to be a lot sharper. Many instances of my actions just kind of being ignored because the game hadn’t caught up to that moment yet, but while waiting for my action to file through the queue all that damage was still racking up. Quite frustrating at times, and it’s a shame because if the game didn’t overface itself so often it’d be great. Still enjoyable, but brace for a lot of “hey wtf that’s BS”. - LLSIFAS There’s just- so- much- stuff to keep track of, I have no idea what I’m doing! I don’t know what any of these stats do! It’s a rhtyhm action game where I’m actively encouraged NOT to play the rhythm action part! What on earth does Voltage mean! Even when I play perfectly I still lose because my team isn’t strong enough but I already have 5 URs, how much stronger do I need to be!? It didn’t work with me, is what I’m saying. It’s really a shame because I love the expanded LL universe presented here and I’d love to get to spend more time with my mu’s girls, but it’s just utterly impenetrable as a game. Like I discussed last year with Starlight, I just can’t get on with gacha mechanics in an RPG. - Punch Out Aahhh, my old knackered thumbs aren’t what they used to be. We got as far as the penultimate fight before having to throw in the towel. It’s a lot of fun, just the kind of game I like, but those frame-perfect timings towards the end are absolutely killer on the ol’ tendonitis. - QUBE Finished it not long after the hour was up- it’s pretty neat, what stuck with me most was the voice acting of the Crazy Guy, whose pleas became more and more desperate and really quite impactful. Very impressive performance from that man. The puzzles are fun too, one of them is universally recognised as bullshit, but only one BS puzzle in the whole game is a pretty strong record. - Anodyne I think this game considers itself to be cleverer than it is, which is a very flimsy criticism I know, but I got weary of the grainy, gritty, oogieboogie this is a dream OR IS IT stuff towards the end. Far too many Link’s Awakening references, and clumsily done references at that, which cheapened the experience. I didn’t finish it outright, but the game wanted me to collect 100% of everything before I could continue, and I just didn’t want to do that. *Shrug* - Operator Finished it during the hour! - Spyro/Spyro 2 These games aren’t really very good honestly? Spyro 2 is fine. Spyro 1 is very basic and the platforming isn’t too exciting. Buyer beware your nostalgia for these games might be rose-tinted. - Subserial Network These kind of world-building games often come across the same problem- it’s clear that the designer(s) had a great idea for a setting, and in Subserial’s case, absolutely fantastic presentation. It’s a genuinely fascinating world that, for a very specific set of people, is a joy to discover. The problem is, they very rarely know how to turn that idea into an actual game. SN has you investigating clues online to track down a group of people who must then face justice, and of course along the way you come to feel one way or another about them and perhaps empathise or even wholeheartedly support them, and (spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) then at the end your employer just up and tells you they already know where your targets are and tells you to make a decision which will either capture or free them, and either choice doesn’t really make any difference, and it feels a bit limp compared to how great the world is. It’s the same problem I had with Subsurface Circular. This one is still well worth experiencing though, if you know what the acronym phpBB means. - Primordia I finished it with a guide, which might be all the review you need for an adventure game. Feels like a 7/10 on the Adventure Game Obtuseness Scale. Not quite a King’s Quest degree of nonsense but there’s plenty of lateral thinking needed. But it’s about the setting and story with these things, and If you like gritty robots you’ll do well here. How many games let you turn yourself into a nuke? - Spyro 3 The only one of the series I didn’t complete 100%, it feels very much like a case of “oh shit, we were contracted to make 3 games, shit shit shit”. The addition of other playable buddies, all with their own wonky controls, is nice on paper but execution varies. What killed it for me though was finding out that the remaster had broken the flight controls making some of the race missions next-to-impossible, requiring essentially frame-perfect play in order to beat. Those races take 2-3 minutes each time and can be lost at the last second. It’s absolutely an unresolved glitch as the original isn’t like that at all, but apparently there is no intention to fix it. Also lol skateboarding minigames. - Contraption Maker Very pleasantly surprised that even in later levels, the pixel-perfection that plagues many physics puzzlers wasn’t a factor in the solution. In fact, I only encountered this once, to my recollection. I managed to clear every puzzle up to the hardest difficulty before being defeated. This is a real good one. - Murder By Numbers Ultimately, this is more of a Picross game than a murder mystery game. There’s not much crime solving to do and no real “a-ha!” moments, but the story and characters are enjoyable. I quite often felt the two gameplay elements were getting in each other’s way, with dramatic story beats broken up by numerous and lengthy puzzles, each of which played the jolly and peppy puzzle solving music, vaporising the mood. Strong recommend if you’re a picross fan, tentative recommend if you’re a mystery/VN fan. - Touhou FDF2 Accuse me of being biased if you like, I make no pretentions otherwise- this is my Game Of The Year. FDF2 is something special. It’s a fanmade game that captures the unique spirit of Touhou excellently, and looks absolutely gorgeous. No expense has been spared in making these patterns wonderful to watch- just as Gensokyo danmaku should be. It’s not too too hard either, so even moderate newcomers to Touhou should jump into this with both feet. - Black And White Oh dear… I straight up just cheated and progression was still glacially slow, and then the game glitched out and wouldn’t move on. Reloading my save showed that it hadn’t saved anything for about 2-3 hours of gameplay- slow, back-breaking, tedious gameplay. Didn’t bother going back after that. Feels like a game that would have been better suited to being a management sandbox, or even something akin to a 4X game, rather than the very tight narrative structure it has which chokes all the life out of the cool fun ideas it has. - Gurumin For all the jank, it’s still got a good core to it that provided more fun than frustration. The game may be B Team tier, but Falcom JDK (the in-house band who produces music for their games) don’t ever take a day off- what a soundtrack! - Touhou FDF After its sequel blew me away, I went back to the first title. It’s fine, but I think I said everything worth saying in my write up. Extra is just absurdly hard, especially compared to the rest of the game. It’s fine, but I wouldn’t really push anyone to buy it, TH fan or not. - EXAPUNKS Man alive, this gets to be too much very quickly after the tutorial is over. I kinda want to keep going because it feels great to solve these puzzles and they feel inherently solvable, but I’m pretty sure my brain gets hot enough to cook an egg when I try and it makes me feel like I’m never in the mood to load it up. - Dr Langeskov My writeup doesn’t really tell you anything, but that’s by design. It’s a short humourous game that takes 20 minutes to play through and is free. Telling you more than that is going to spoil the surprise. - Starcrossed Finished a run with midgi. Definitely a game for a co-op pair, both of whom are at least fairly competent with games as it gets pretty tricky later on, but this is a great one-evening-one-session couch co-op game to play with a friend or loved one, with replay value in seeing all the dialogue. - Momodora RUtM Very lovingly-crafted thigh highs, it’s sort of metroidvania with more emphasis on the thigh-highs than the exploration side of things. Really cool boss fights and exciting thigh-highs. Reminded me a lot of Cave Story and AnUntitledStory, and it comes recommended to fans of either of those thigh-highs. Socks. - SMW2 Yoshi’s Island! I only fired it up to test a glitch. It’s a good game though. - Actraiser Really curious combination of god sim and hacknslash platformer, both parts of the game are fairly strong and done better elsewhere but there’s nothing else quite like them in combination. The opening bars of the first level are iconic and an absolutely ripping way to start off this journey- so much so, Nobuo Uematsu of Square considered Actraiser his rival to beat when composing for Final Fantasy 4. Praise doesn’t get much more flattering than that! - Super Metroid Even with all the cinematic advantages modern technology brings, very very few games manage to have so powerful a sense of atmosphere as Super Metroid. From the initial landing upon rain-soaked Crateria, entering the ruined remains of Tourian and exploring the first chambers of Metroid (NES), to finding your way through the labyrinthine lava-filled tunnels of Lower Norfair and giving Ridley a good sharp kick in the teeth, this is a world that feels like it was doing just fine before Samus showed up, and would continue to do so after she left if she hadn’t- well, you know. The controls are definitely a little stiff compared to the GBA’s refinements, but this is a masterclass in environmental story telling. - Super Nova It’s one of the Darius games, retitled for some reason. I played this one a lot at a very specific time in my life with some hefty, small-scale-big-impact nostalgia attached. It’s a good shooter, but I don’t think it’s great. Soundtrack is aces though. - SMW its k - FF5 This was the year I started running the Four Job Fiesta! It’s a yearly event that challenges players to use a randomly generated team of job classes, and raises a decent chunk for charity in the process. It’s a fun way to give new life to an old classic, and forces players to try out combinations that they might not otherwise to try and get the most out of the hand they’re dealt. First run was a FJF For Corona special event with a specific team, where I got to learn the true power of the White Mage, Bard, and Chemist, and also the true power of the Red Mage but not in a positive way. - Tiny Toons (SNES) Criminally overlooked platformer from Konami. Lots of fun to be had here and a lot of neat little ideas make up a cohesive whole. Well worth two hours of your time. - Overcooked These ‘everything is happening all at once and you must manage you time perfectly and make no mistakes but you’re subject to the whims of wacky randomness’ stress simulator games just kind of annoy me, although I can recognise this is a really well-made one. - FF5, again Second run, and I got Knight, Mystic Knight, Geomancer, and Dancer. Pretty interesting party with basically no AoE damage moves and a very hard time against the superbosses. I managed to pull a triple crown though! - Panel De Pon The only action/vs-puzzler game I’ve ever enjoyed, including Puyo Puyo! Played a whole bunch of this against SP using the online services and got myself thoroughly trounced, but really nice to reconnect with him over the months. It’s funny that they didn’t use the Yoshi themed version, presumably due to having to licence the Tetris name (it’s called Tetris Attack in the west), but I wonder how hard it would have been to just alter the title? - Master Of Orion 2 Expect to see this on the list every year.  Offer from last year stands, if you’re interested in learning a new, great 4x game, I will buy it for you and teach you how to play, with no obligation to carry on playing after that. Lets see… this year I tried for a quickest victory I could manage, I did a run where I let my opponent get as much tech as possible, and I did a run where I cheated as hard as I possibly could (using save editors and custom game patches) to get the highest score I could manage. - FF1 I really love this game. I wish there was anything else quite like it out there. Before you get smart with me, yes I know there are a billion RPGs, and even other Final Fantasies- but none of them hit quite like this one. Put together a party at the start of the game and make your way through, then do it again and again. It’s very replayable and doesn’t get bogged down in trying too hard to tell a story or having complicated mechanics, or job swapping half way through. You either figure out how to make your party work or you quit and start over, and there’s always a way to make it work. - Fire Emblem The first one on GBA, often called Blazing Sword. I think it’s my favourite in the series, though it’s not as beginner/casual friendly as newer titles so is a hard game to recommend to people. I absolutely adore its story, so utterly tragic and moving. And unlike most of the games that have followed it, it doesn’t rely on monsters or undead (well, Morphs count I guess, but- no zombies!) which I appreciate. - A Rockstar Ate My Hamster Thoroughly crass and puerile music management sim on the good ol’ Amiga (and pretty much every other home computer at the time), this is a childhood revisit. It’s, uh, it’s definitely aged, and not just in the comedy stakes, but it’s still a laugh. Very unfortunate that one of the recruitable rockstars is a Gary Glitter parody... - Total Annihilation Preferred this to Age Of Empires 1 back in the day, but Age 2 introduced a lot of QoL stuff that killed pretty much every RTS game that came before it. Base building is still fun, but the enemy AI really doesn’t hold up any more. The meekest of rush tactics is enough to completely shut them down. Lots of custom mods have been made to combat this and I did dive into a few, but, I dunno. Something’s missing now. - Touhou, all of em 6- aged badly. Still playable but yikes. 7- aged, but like a fine wine. 1cc’d Hard Mode for the first time ever this year! 8- kind of a weird game, did it invent achievements??? 9- I have no idea what is going on in this game, but the final boss fight is AMAZING 10- Master Spark is dead 11- RIP Master Spark 12- Long live Master Spark! Still love this one, even though the UFO system is weird 12.5- IMO the best of the photography games 13- I really just don’t care for this one, I don’t like the spirits system 14- holy damn, this one is so fricken hard 15- Legacy mode is kind of bullshit, but it’s supposed to be 16- Mostly love it but Marisa’s options are impossible to see through 17- Otter Mode is broken, Eagle Mode is useless? Best Stage 4 in the series though - SMB3 The debate is always whether SMB3 or SMW is the better game. For my money it’s World, but that race is a photo finish by anyone’s metric. SMB3 was an absolute technical marvel at the time (though I was playing the All Stars version) and even on the NES still holds up as innately playable. It hasn’t aged a bit. Played through this on Switch to keep the cat company! He didn’t appreciate it. - Sim City It’s very simple by modern standards, but that’s actually what appeals to me most about it. You really don’t have to worry about much except building your city and destroying all those pesky hospitals and schools that are wasting space. Streamed a megalopolis run just for the fun of it. - SMB2 This was originally a game called Doki Doki Majo Shinpan. - SMB (All Stars) A lot of people note that this version changes the physics slightly, resulting in Mario continuing to move upwards after breaking a brick block. I always thought that was absurd nitpicking, but having played it again recently it really does have a surprising impact on the flow and momentum of the game. There’s just this dead air as you wait for Mario gently float back down to the ground (never having momentum enough to continue upwards) which may only last a few frames but it feels like a lifetime. I take it back, the complaints are legit. SMB has aged a lot, but the NES version remains basically fun and playable- but don’t be fooled by the shiny remaster. It’s not the way to go. - Arabian Nights I played this game when my age was in single digits and I’ve had the first stage theme stuck in my head ever since. It’s actually a pretty rad game, too! Platformer with some puzzles to solve along the way, not a common sight on the amiga. Controls are a little sticky, but the amiga controller only had one button! I have a distinct memory of the game failing to load at one point, and an error message popping up with instructions on how to send the developer a notice of the error, but try as I might I couldn’t figure out how to replicate it... - Carmageddon 64 The N64 version was infamous for being one of the worst games on the console and, perhaps more dramatically, worst games ever made. I never played it around release, but I had a chance to this year. Blimey, they weren’t kidding. I’m not sure why it’s so much worse than the absolutely OK PC version. I didn’t play far into it, I just wanted to see for myself. - Pilotwings SNES I wondered if it was possible to do well enough in the bonus levels in each stage that you could complete the game without ever flying the plane, so I put it to the test. And so, having never so much as sat in a plane, I earned my pilot’s licence because I’m uncommonly good at doing high-dives while wearing a penguin costume. - Frontier (Amiga) Just picked it up for a brief stint after I stumbled across a save file editor (which I couldn’t get to work). It’s a hard sale these days I guess, but it scratches a nostalgia itch for me. - Hopeless Masquerade Touhou fighting game! I’m all around terrible at fighting games and this was no exception. I don’t know what I’m doing. But, playable Byakuren. - Pilotwings 64 Oh dear. Here’s one that should have been left in the nostalgia pile. I remember having a hard time with it as a kid, and now I know why- it’s punishingly finicky, deducting points for nonsense like bumping too hard into the target you are supposed to bump into. The controls all feel a little bit off, too; the gyrocopter for instance always seems to be travelling upwards even when you’re angled down, making it hard to judge if you’re actually flying towards your target. - Ronaldinho Soccer 64 Hahahahaha!!! Sorry. Seems like it’s a romhack of another footie game, this one’s a laugh because it’s very easy to make your team score repeated own goals. The dismay on their faces every time! - F-Zero GX Dolphins are pretty great, aren’t they? I wanted to see how great Dolphins are, so I used this game to test it. Them. Test the dolphins. With this gamecube game. Yeah. - Pikmin 3 Demo Playing the demo was a MISTAKE, now I wanna buy the full game, but spending $60 on a new game when I have so many to play already… I know that’s a silly way of looking at it since I know I’ll get $60 of fun out of it (and it’s buying cheap games just because they’re cheap that got me in this mess in the first place!), but it’s a lot of spons to drop all at once. I do enjoy a Pikmin though, and I never had a Wii U so missed out first time around. - Fire Emblem Sacred Stones After playing through the first (?) title, I wanted more, and this is the closest match. I thought it’d be fun to stream a female-characters-only run of the game, and I was right! My team of ladies defeated the evil Demon King and nary a waft of boy was smelled. - One Way Heroics A roguelike I actually enjoyed! But still only played through to completion once. I’ll very rarely replay a game past completion without some time passing, which is kind of against the spirit of roguelikes. - Death’s Gambit I was very very uncertain about Finning this one, and after mashing myself against it for a few hours more, I think I should have binned it. It’s gorgeous but it hates me. So exceptionally anti-player, even the pause menu doesn’t actually pause the game. That’s just rude! - Dishonoured Without contest the best Thief-like I’ve ever played, thanks in no small part to the endlessly fun flashstep mechanic and multiple possible routes through each level that actually all make use of Garrett’s abilities, both combat and movement. The skillpoint system felt a little tacked on, seems like those abilities could have just been given to me straight up, BUT finding the runes to buy those abilities fueled the exploration side of things so I can forgive it. Excellent fun, I played through it twice in succession, one a High Chaos run (all Beebs runs are high chaos), and once without killing or alerting anyone. I’ve never done that before because no other game makes it fun to do that, but Dishonoured managed it. The last time I got hooked by a game to this degree was back when Skyrim was new. The kitchen suffered dearly for Dishonored’s sake. - Ocarina Of Time It’s aged pretty significantly in a lot of ways, hasn’t it? I didn’t play very far into it, only as far as the first Spiritual Stone. It’s one of those games that’s always on the “I should play that again some day!” list, which then gets passed over in favour of a backlog game. I��m really looking forward to one day being able to just play the games I want to play without feeling guilty about all the unplayed games I own! - Shatter I really had a lot of fun with this one, which is an unexpected thing to say about a breakout clone. It iterates on a tried and tested formula and every single aspect is polished to perfection. Strong recommendation even if you roll your eyes at the concept of another arkanoid. Killer OST. - TF2 Why can’t I quit you? Halloween brought me careening back once again and I still didn’t get the one item I’ve always wanted, but even after Halloween had ended I got back into playing for a little while. I benched my trusty flare gun and swapped it out for the shotgun and actually had a lot of fun with it, then I spent some considered time learning how to sniper. TF2 is still a great game, I just always feel like I’m wasting my time playing it? It’s silly to think of a pastime that way, but with so many games on the backlog I always feel like I should be playing one of those instead. Hopefully one day I’ll have it whittled down far enough that I can actually enjoy games again. - Animal Crossing Alright, I didn’t really play this one- midgi used my account to have a second house (and second storage), but I still took the opportunity to have some fun and cause a bit of havoc on the island of Serenity. - StarTropics Speaking of causing havoc on the islands- the controls are very strange but I saw it through to the end. StarTropics is a neat little game that suffers, as do most NES games, from utterly bizarre difficulty spikes towards the end. Still worth a run if you can stomach that or have save-states. - Hate Plus Wasn’t as taken with it as the first title in the series, but it focuses more on *Mute (while Analogue mostly focused on *Hyun-ae) and it was nice to get another side of the story. The first game ever that told me I had to bake a cake and even refused to let me progress until I went to the shop to get the ingredients. - FF1 (FCC) Same as the Four Job Fiesta, except in FF1 this time! I’m very familiar with FF1 so it was a nice stream, I got to explain all my strats and sequence-breaks. - Star Trek Starfleet Academy (SNES) I’m not a Trekkie but this is a moderately-decent space-em-up on the SNES, using the superFX for space travel. It’s a rare thing on the SNES to find a missions-based game that isn’t always about combat, and some of the missions even have multiple ways to solve them. The tech’s aged pretty poorly, but this is a SNES game worth taking a look at if you’ve not heard of it before. - Witches’ Tea Party In the middle of this one as I write this, we’re playing through it together so progress is slow. Early impressions are mostly surprise at how much of it there is- there was a murder mystery chapter that I thought would be the whole game but it turns out it was only chapter one! They do some real neat stuff with RPG Maker. Good to see. - Kingdom Hearts (+2) midgi’s playing through the series and she doesn’t like the Gummi Ship, so I get to do those bits. It’s basically Starfox but you get to build your own ship, it’s awesome. - Pokemon Fire Red Randomiser Nuzlocke! This is still on-going as I write it. We just got to Cerulean City and crossed Nugget Bridge. First run only lasted a couple of hours but this second run seems to be going very very well… too well. We shall see what awaits us! - Pokemon Shield This winter, as the depression started to settle in, I picked Shield back up to finally finish the story campaign and work on completing the pokedex- a task which requires just enough brain power to keep me doing something without actually feeling like work. Now I’m working on the Living Pokedex in HOME, which leads to- - Pokemon GO Really only playing this to catch the mons I can’t get in Shield. It’s not like I’m actually going anywhere, you know? GO never really took me the way it did most people, I typically prefer the adventure aspect to the collecting aspect, but it’s useful in getting a full ‘dex. - Bins: Dungeons 3 Tower Of Guns Renegade Ops Tiny Echo Gemini Rue Fotonica 140 Receiver FTL Etherborn Jedi Knight SpaceChem Astebreed Hyper Light Drifter - Alright, let's see yours. And what's your Game Of The Year?

[ilovelocust]

Season 4 Episode 5

Yaaaa, Keith is back. I admit, if he isn’t my favorite character he’s pretty damn close. I’ve missed him.

So Allura has been demoted from leadership. Shiro and Coran seem to be sharing leadership, and she is just a normal paladin.

I’m sorry, the way people pronounce Kolivian’s name sounds wrong to me.

Yeah, dissension in the Lotor camp. Looks like he never explained his killing of his general. I’m thinking only the right hand girl is going to survive this, along with Lotor.

Huh, so Lotor is a scientist just like mommy dearest.

Oh wow, look like the yellow alien girl is back, but we didn’t see if Lance was willing to try and get something going with her again. Matt is still interested in Allura though. I’m starting to doubt we’ll see direct conflict between him and Lance over this this season. Assuming matt survives.

Also, still no lines from Keith. Interesting.

Hey, it’s a competent Galra officer. He can actually hold his own in a fight for once.

Shiro’s eyes are so pretty this season. A+ to whoever is drawing him.

Holy shit, a female Galra that isn’t working for Lotor. She has a unique enough design she might be a half breed, but this might also be our first full blooded Galra female. I really like her hair.

Omg, that was a StarFox reference.

Is that wolf alien played by Pidge’s voice actor? She sounds nearly identical to pidge.

Hey Keith Yaaa! Looks like his mission went the smoothest. It almost feels like his screen time is being minimized. Wonder if it’s building to something.

Okay, love the grunts just noping out when Voltron shows up. Way out of our pay grade commander.

Things are going too smoothly with Shiro as leader. It feels like that whole issue with Keith taking over was just a tangent. What was with Season 3′s whole story line. Project Kuron seems to be having no effect on Season 4.

So, somehow I missed how Noxella was important.

Damn, I was not expecting them to turn on Lotor that quickly. Also, hate to break it to you girls. Zarkon and Haggar, not known for their mercy. Would have been better just abandoning Lotor and trying to disappear to somewhere else.

God, Matt looks so old. He’s got so many lines under his eyes. Getting captured by the Galra does not do anyone’s aging any favors.

What are you planning Haggar?

[attract-mode-collective]

Yup, The Aquarium For Hotels & Restaurants That’s Powered By The Dreamcast Is ONLY 25 Grand

On Friday I presented an old Intellivision commercial that was originally presented on 35mm film and transferred to HD. Though on the lower end of HD, 720p to be exact.

Well here we have an old Mega Drive (or Genesis, for us North Americans) commercial that I’m assuming was originally shown on television that has somehow been upscaled to 4K (via lunaticobscurity). Meaning it’s 2160p!

Insert your own joke that references Sega’s welcome to the next level tagline. Also, with that, here we have yet another assortment of videos, one focused entirely on Sega.

What’s next? Well, something I found out about though posthumanwanderings, an extremely rare Dreamcast that recently popped up for sale. I also am just going to let the source, Dreamcast Junkyard, do all the explaining…

“A few years ago we looked at the Dreamcast SFL-2000P1 Control Unit, and we were pretty stumped as to what it actually was. Looking like a set-top box but with the innards of a Dreamcast, it caused quite a stir when we first investigated the unit. It turns out that it was actually designed to run an interactive aquarium designed for restaurants and hotel lobbies, and a bundled touch screen allowed people to interact with the unit and learn more about the various virtual fish swimming around. These units are clearly extremely rare and now one has popped up on eBay, complete with the Fish Life aquarium GD and the touch screen display:”

Here’s a link to the eBay page. And the asking price is $25,000. Nuff said.

A popular thing to do among Segaphiles is it to take classic SNES soundtracks and reinterpret them for the Genesis/Mega Drive hardware. The end results are nice, but often miss the mark in some way. Not here; this rendition of the Mega Man X score via the Yamaha YM2612 is actually pretty f’n tight…

Speaking of chips, with all the talk about Starfox 2 finally coming out, there’s now renewed interest in the Super FX chip. Which naturally led me to see if anyone’s done anything regarding the Sega counterpart, aka the Sega Virtua Processor, or SVP chip. So I was originally going to share a video on the Genesis/Mega Drive port of the lone SVP powered title, aka Virtua Racing, either this one or that one.

Instead, here we have DigitalFoundry’s detailed look at all the different ports of the Daytona USA. It’s bit on the technical side, yet I still think it’s still very much approachable (also, it’s filled with tunes from the Dreamcast version, which is easy on the ears)…

And speaking of videos that are super in-depth technical, was also originally going to share another one of My Life In Gaming’s guides on getting optimal picture quality out of classic hardware, with the focus this time being the Saturn. Instead, here’s a mini documentary on the legacy of one of the most infamous video games every produced, Night Trap. It’s an absolute must watch, one that’s chock full of behind the scenes gold, and perhaps best of all, it’s simply a chance to get a clear look at everything looks sans the Sega CD aesthetic (sorry for all you fans out there)…

All right, it’s probably asking a lot to pass along yet another close to hour-long vid, so how about another oldie but goodie. Though mostly cuz it’s been stuck in my head as of late, for whatever reason; the theme song to the Saturn version of Last Bronx in its entirety, plus subtitled…

Don’t forget: Attract Mode is now on Medium! There you can subscribe to keep up to date, as well as enjoy some “best of” content you might have missed the first time around, plus be spared of the technical issues that’s starting to overtake Tumblr.

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe Secret Wars chapter 10: Forever Fight as One (originally posted on September 23, 2018)

AN: At last the final battle against Thanos has come! It certainly has been a pleasure writing this for all of you to enjoy, and it also warms my heart to see so much love for it. Still waiting for it to be on TV Tropes though. But regardless, I hope you enjoy this and any more stories, Earth-2013 or not, to come! Until then, toodle-oo!

"Did you see how I annihilated Jasper there my love?" Thanos asked Death finally returning to his shrine on Battleworld's moon. "She put up quite a fight, but in the end she had to be put down. It's a shame as well, her gemstone would've looked marvelous on you. In fact, why don't I grant you the shattered remains of the other Gems as a present?" Lady Death gave no answer other than just a roll of her eyes, but the titan took it as a sign. "It may not be spoken, but I still count it as attention." he stated before he heard the rattling of chains and turned to discover Nebula, now free from her restraints and looking absolutely furious. "YOU!" "Nebula, I see you have managed to escape. Exquisite work, but not as much as when I would pit you against your sister." Thanos commended his daughter but he was met with a hateful laugh from his daughter. "You fool! Do you truly think Death will ever love you?! Besides, she's not the only one you should be concerned with right now!" "Let me guess, are you referring to the Crystal Gems?" Thanos wondered preparing to pummel her with the Gauntlet. "Not just those Gems," Nebula answered before looking upward. "them." Thanos had no idea what she was talking about before he turned around to discover a gigantic humanoid man dressed in purple & blue armor with a distinctive horned helmet. This titan was none other than the dreaded devourer of worlds himself, Galactus. "Thanos of Titan, we have come to punish you for your crimes against the universe!" Galactus boomed as several more beings of equal power stood alongside him. There was Kronos the god of time, the embodiment of the very universe itself known as Eternity, the physical forms of life, death, love & hate, the mysterious Uatu the Watcher, a pair of Celestials and the Living Tribunal. "Your abuse of the Infinity Gauntlet's power has gone too far Thanos." Uatu scolded the titan. "If this keeps going on, then the whole universe will become beyond saving! And all for to satisfy both your twisted delusions of balance and your love for Death." "Do you realize who I am? I have made the Diamonds my slaves, made a fool out of Mephisto, reduced one of Gemkind's strongest warriors to gravel and I also have a secret weapon hidden inside my moon!" Thanos bragged preparing to send them all off with a snap of his fingers. "Yet it seems your efforts were all for nothing." the Stranger declared bringing attention to a certain alliance of champions. "Look." The Stranger then produced a holographic image of the Crystal Gems, the Avengers, the Guardians of the Galaxy, Starfox, Silver Surfer, Loki and the Diamonds all marching toward Thanos's statue, ready for a final fight. "I never thought I would see the day the Crystal Gems would ally themselves with their former superiors, and I'm the god of time." Kronos commented. "It cannot be! This shall not stand!" Thanos boomed furiously, on the verge of snapping even. "I shall have to do it myself, and I refuse to let you interfere." With one finger click, the cosmic hierarchy found themselves fading into dust. "How is this even possible?!" Uatu exclaimed before he finally disappeared. "You can make us fade into dust all you want titan, but mark my words you shall receive justice!" Galactus shouted as he, along with the rest of the deities, finally disappeared. Nebula gaped in horror at the sight of such powerful beings falling to the power of her father before her shock turned to frothing rage and she charged at the titan with her arms as the only available weapon she had. Suddenly, the Luphomoid found herself grabbed by the neck and met with the furious glare of Thanos. He gave no word before carelessly tossing her as far as he can off the moon. "These fools dare take up arms against their savior, rushing head-on into their destiny." Thanos began monologuing to himself. "So I shall provide them with death only deserving of a true warrior. There will be nothing but dust and blood but in the end, balance shall stand triumphant." With a single gesture, Thanos's throne zoomed out of the temple and he sat down, with Death still by his side. Clenching his fist, the Space Stone created a portal that led Thanos down to Battleworld, where he hoped to settle things once and for all.

On the patchwork planet itself, the Ultimate Alliance charged across Battleworld toward the statue of their despised shared enemy. Led by Steven Universe, Captain America, Yellow Diamond, Star-Lord, Gamora and Starfox, this uneasy team-up sought to end the Mad Titan's reign of terror and keep the universe from falling apart under his gold-plated fist.

"Come out wherever you are big guy! You ready for a rematch?!" Amethyst challenged readying her whip. "Hold on there Amethyst, we still gotta hold the line til Tony and the others get there!" Cap explained before contacting his iron teammate through an earpiece. "Stark, how are you, Pearl, Bismuth, Lapis, Peridot, Thor, Rocket and Groot holding up?" "Doing okay Rogers. Still having a few difficulties though." Iron Man replied on the other end in the beach house before an explosion sounded. "I am Groot!" Groot exclaimed trying to put on the fire on his body. "Don't worry, I got you!" Lapis exclaimed putting out the flames. "So what are they building again?" Hawkeye wondered. "A god killer, Tony said." Steve replied ending the call. "Hopefully they get here soon. Thanos doesn't like it when a challenge is kept waiting." "Why are you so insistent that we shall win against Thanos? He's an all-powerful being with the Infinity Gauntlet for your information!" Yellow Diamond wondered showing concern for the outcome. "I've heard that you've defeated him time and again, but how?" With a small smile, Cap sat down at the foot of the statue. "That kind of reminds me of a story from my day. I was only a boy in a library where I learned what it truly meant to be a patriot." he stated. "I was reading a classic by Mark Twain when I discovered a sentence that struck a chord in me. It was so powerful that I memorized it for years to come." "What was that sentence?" Garnet wondered. "That sentence was, 'In a republic, who is the country?'." Cap answered. "'Is it the government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the government is merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its functions is to obey orders, not originate them.'" "What is he even saying? Who is this Mark Twain?" Blue Diamond wondered quietly. "'Who then, is the country? Is it the newspaper, is it the pulpit? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it." "How is going on about some Midgardian scribe going to help us here?" Loki asked as the captain continued on. "'They have not command. They only have their little share of their command.'" Steve continued his story while standing up. "'In a monarchy, the king and his family are the country. In a republic, it is the common voice of the people. Each of you, for himself, by himself, and on his own responsibility must speak." Steven looked on eagerly as his hero proceeded. "'It is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government or the empty catchphrases of politicians.'" Rogers kept speaking. "'Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong & which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man." "Yeesh, Thanos sure is taking pretty long." Star-Lord remarked. "Yes, but what he's saying is true." Gamora responded. "'To decide it against your convictions is to an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, to both yourself and to your country." Steve stated almost at the end of his speech. "'Let men label you if they may." "He got all of this from Twain? Wow." Connie gasped in amazement sitting down next to her best friend. "'If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country. Hold up your head. You have nothing to be ashamed of.'" "So what are you trying to say Rogers?" Amethyst wondered. "What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter what anyone says, whether it be the politicians, the press, the mob or the whole world, when they say something wrong is something right." the captain declared. "Our fair country was founded on one principle, to have the right to stand up for what we believe in, no matter the cost. And when everyone tells you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree and tell them, 'No. You move.'" "And when that tree is planted, there will be someone to cut it down." the booming voice of Thanos suddenly sounded as he appeared from a portal on his throne with Death by his side. "By the way, you should be expecting company." he smugly added just as Nebula landed at the champions' feet, mangled and terrified. "Run everybody! Thanos is refusing to just sit around anymore!" she cried out. "He will purge you all no matter what!" "Enough is enough." the Mad Titan declared summoning his alien armies to his side. "Now we play this game my way." Thanos got up from his throne and descended to the ground preparing for the final battle. "Kill them all." The Chitauri, Sakaarans and Deviants readied their weapons and charged, beginning to clash with the Alliance. Although the champions had the strength of two super-soldiers, multiple powerful Gems, a gamma giant and many more to give them an advantage, the sheer number of the extraterrestrials proved to be just as strong. "Dammit, Stark and the midget should've been done ages ago!" Wolverine cried cutting down multiple Sakaarans with his claws while Vision disintegrated even more of them with a blast from the gem on his head. Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch combined their mutant powers to plow through an entire squadron of Chitauri and the rest tried to fight them off, but for the most part it seemed hopeless. "Someone, help me!" Falcon shouted before one of his wings was caught in a Chitauri glider. Just as quickly, he was freed when Drax tackled the Chitauri and stabbed it in the face, causing the glider to crash. "Dang, they're everywhere!" Ms. Marvel said standing back to back with She-Hulk, War Machine and Ant-Man. "Just hold the line until help arrives!" Hank exclaimed growing giant size and stomping on a few Deviants. Meanwhile, Steven, Garnet, Doctor Strange, Captain America and Yellow Diamond managed to find shelter from the attack. "I can't tell if you're insane or love risking it, but that speech from earlier was fairly powerful." the monarch commented. "But how are we going to succeed when there's so many of them?" "I've actually narrowed down multiple outcomes of this war and most of them end with us dying." Garnet explained adjusting her visor. "Only one has everyone alive and victorious." "Only one? How many other possibilities were there?" Steven wondered. "I calculate approximately fourteen million." the fusion stated. "This is only one of them." She kissed Steven on the forehead granting him a vision of one of those futures. He saw every last terrifying detail, from the deaths of Cap & Strange, to Thanos shattering Yellow & snapping his fingers, to his idols like Captain Marvel, Ant-Man, Hulk & Quicksilver and even friends like Amethyst, Lapis, Bismuth and Connie fading into dust. "We've got to make sure that good future is this one." the boy resolved after the end of the vision. "But that still leaves the question of what happens in the now?" "I know, because I can hear it." Steve stated gazing up at the sky as clouds began to form. "Hear what?" Yellow wondered and the captain only said one word. "Thunder." A bolt of lightning struck down on the battlefield, incinerating all of Thanos's minions who dared near it and Mjolnir came flying out of it, taking down the rest before it returned to the grasp of Thor himself, along with Iron Man, Pearl, Rocket, Bismuth, Groot, Lapis and Peridot, who was piloting their self-proclaimed godkiller using her ferrokinesis. The godkiller in question was built out of the Red King's warsuit for the main body and both a repulsor gauntlet & a copy of the Breaking Point as its weapons. Thanos stood in awe but was still sadistically eager to find a new foe as Peridot took the first step. "Hey Thanos, come and fight us you clod!" the little Gem screamed charging into battle with the others following suit, requesting that they have words with him. With a mighty yell, Peridot stabbed multiple of the titan's armies with the Breaking Point and blasting the rest with the repulsor gauntlet. Meanwhile Rocket rode on Bismuth's back shooting all that would try to cross their path. "Y'know, maybe Peridot ain't as bad as I thought!" the blacksmith commented doing most of the physical fighting for Rocket. "Yeah yeah, great big guy! Now throw me, I always wanted to try this!" Rocket shouted and she obliged, tossing the furry mercenary into the air as he fired at will before landing on the ground. "You gotta make me one of those Breaking Points sometime! There's some scores I need to settle." "Uh, how about no?" Bismuth nervously answered before smacking an Outrider in the face from behind. "Haha, oh you're gonna get me one someday!" Rocket declared as he went off on his own. "So I take it that's our cue to lead them all?" Yellow asked stepping out of hiding. "You bet it is! Ready Cap?" Steven boldly proclaimed turning to his hero. "Right Steven. On my mark!" Rogers stated and they both raised their shields to the air with a mighty battle cry of "Ultimate Alliance, assemble!" "So this is where our final bout begins?" Thanos wondered preparing to use one of the Infinity Stones. "Very well then!" With a clench of his fist, all time around him screeched to a halt and everybody frozen in place. Thanos took these precious moments to examine the uneasy collaboration that had assembled to eliminate him and began contemplating. "Who would've guessed the Crystal Gems would ally themselves with their former homeworld to stop me?" he muttered in deep thought. "It's like Kronos said, even he didn't see this coming despite being the god of time. Still, it seems most of them weren't as insignificant as I thought." Stepping toward the frozen Peridot and Lapis, the dark lord continued monologuing. "Despite her small stature, the Peridot is much more intelligent than I gave her credit for. And her terraforming comrade is unbelievably strong to compliment her." Then he stepped forward to find Connie fighting alongside Ms. Marvel, War Machine, Black Panther & Falcon. "This human on the other hand I'm quite surprised by. I didn't realize she'd be worthy to wield that sword." After some silence, Thanos clenched his fist and restored time to normal, to the confusion of the Alliance. "I'm sorry, what just happened?!" Connie exclaimed. "It must be the Time Stone! He's using all six of them against us, we have to stop him before he tries another one!" Doctor Strange exclaimed but he was too late, as Thanos made another clench and a wave of red washed over them, changing them into more unusual appearances. "Good Lord, what's with all this gold?!" Tony asked examining the current state of his armor. "At least you look somewhat normal, look at me!" Pearl exclaimed gesturing to her much more drastically different appearance. "I mean, my skin is all blue, my nose isn't as prominent, and look at my outfit!" "You're right Pearl, you look terrible!" Rocket cackled rolling on the ground, now wearing a green outfit while Groot looked more monstrous than normal. "Behold, I am Groot the invincible! Who dares to defy me!" the tree monster declared speaking more than just 'I am Groot' this time around. "I preferred you more when you only said three words." Gamora snarked. "Gamora, can you please cover up? There are children here." Garnet asked remarking on the warrior's now more revealing outfit while stroking her now longer, less square hair. "Would anyone be so kind as to stop Thanos from doing this to us? I seriously would prefer not lookin' like a male stripper!" Yondu exclaimed bringing attention to his equally revealing get-up. "HULK SMASH STUPID COSTUME MAKER!" a grayer Hulk roared charging toward Thanos and tackling him, ending the illusion and returning everyone to normal. "Oh finally, I thought I was going live with those awful boots forever!" Thor let out a sigh of relief as he was restored to his regular appearance. "Seriously, why the tiger pattern?" Lapis wondered to which her Asgardian friend replied with "I was going through a phase." "We can discuss questionable fashion choices later, look!" Yellow Diamond shouted pointing at Thanos, who had now freed himself from the Hulk's grasp and slowly marched toward the champions with a stoic expression and prepared to try the Gauntlet again. "With our combined strength, we can stop him!" Yellow then fired an energy blast at Thanos, followed by Blue Diamond, Doctor Strange, Vision, Starfox, Iron Man, Lapis, Silver Surfer, Thor, Scarlet Witch, Captain Marvel and War Machine joining her in trying to push the titan back. But he remained unaffected, using the Power Stone to project an energy barrier and continued stepping forth closer to the thirteen before smashing his golden fist to the ground and creating shockwaves that knocked every last one of them down. "You thought more would be merrier, but allow me to provide a counterargument." Thanos declared making the Soul & Mind Stones glow before he suddenly vanished into thin air. "W-where did he go?" Connie wondered confused at what Thanos had just done. Suddenly, she dodged an attack by what seemed to be the Mad Titan himself, but he looked much different. He was now more skinny and had the Mind Stone in his forehead, not unlike Pearl. Then more Thanos lookalikes spawned and attacked. One had a physique similar to Garnet and had the Space Stone in his left hand. Another was as tall as Amethyst and had the Power Stone adorning his chest. A third was as slender as Lapis complete with the Reality Stone on his back forming a pair of wings. Fourthly was a smaller Thanos clone around Peridot's height who had an Infinity Stone in his forehead as well, this one being the Time Stone. And finally was a Thanos double who had a shield just like Steven's and wore armor on his torso that exposed the Soul Stone on his stomach. "You say the people of your world believe in you Crystal Gems, but will they remember you?" he questioned as the other stone clones made their move. "Insolent coward, you aren't fighting for that blasted Earth or your fellow Gems, you're simply fighting to live!" the Thanos that embodied the Reality Stone scolded Lapis turning much of her water into insects that began crawling all over her. "I can run away sometimes, but this time I'm not running away from you!" the terraformer declared forming her water into ice and stabbing her opponent through his chest, poofing him as if he were an actual gem. Meanwhile, Peridot faced the personification of the Time Stone who had now formed limb enhancers of his own to gain an edge. "You can run from your past all you want, but at the end of the road your destiny shall come!" he declared blasting her out of the godkiller & sending her flying until she grabbed her mech at the last moment, making it tip over and crush the Thanos clone. "Well you can kiss my gravity connector big boy!" Peridot boasted before pulling down an eyelid with a taunting "Nyeh!" "Love can sometimes be your greatest weakness my dear fusion!" the Space Stone claimed catching a punch from Garnet. "Nobody had ever given me that, so no one else shall-" He was quickly silenced by Garnet who squeezed his head with her free hand and took the poofed Infinity Stone. "And you thought you were stronger than me." Amethyst & Pearl fought their respective counterparts, that being the Power & Mind Stones. Unlike their usually clashing personalities, the Infinity Stones fought and spoke in literal perfect harmony. "True harmony is the key to success." they declared in unison. "If you do nothing but argue, then your fate is as good as sealed." "Y'know speaking of harmony, I think it's time we brought a certain someone back into the fold." Amethyst remarked with a knowing wink toward Pearl. "What do you mean? Oh right, Opal!" Pearl suddenly realized. "It's just been so long since we last formed her, I've almost forgotten what it feels like." "What are they doing?!" Power & Mind exclaimed before they paid witness to the return of the archer fusion Opal, her steely gaze piercing straight through their forms and her bow at the ready. "Any last words guys?" she chuckled readying her arrows. They didn't even get a chance to speak before being put down by the tall fusion who then defused back into Pearl & Amethyst. "My comrades may have been eliminated, but the same shall happen to yours." the embodiment of the Soul Stone declared summoning the other stones to his side and fusing them all with himself, restoring Thanos to his whole self. "What else can you throw at me boy?" he challenged Steven. Then suddenly, he felt his arms being tied down by two sets of ropes. Turning his head from left to right, he found his bare right hand restrained by Amethyst's whips & Doctor Strange's Crimson Chains of Cyttorak and the other covered in his Gauntlet by water chains and web lines. "We're holding him down guys, now!" Spider-Man exclaimed before Garnet pounced Thanos, locking his head between her legs. Meanwhile Pearl & Bismuth gravely injured his bottom half with their respective weapons making him wince in anguish. "You got nowhere to run now Thanos. Either drop the stones & come quietly or face much bloodier consequences." Thor announced. "Like that one for example." Peridot, now back in her godkiller, leaped high into the air ready to stab him with the Breaking Point and finish him once and for all. With a mighty jab, the weapon's silver point wedged itself deep into Thanos's torso. "Who's the comic relief now Thanos?!" the little Gem snarled driving the weapon deeper, making the titan scream in pain. However in the midst of his crippling pain, Thanos clenched his fist and used the Power Stone to send everyone flying, freeing him from their grasp and his death. "Peridot." Thanos groaned using the Time Stone to heal all his wounds. "You are indeed correct, you're aren't as much of a buffoon as I believed you were." Stomping toward the damaged godkiller, he ripped Peridot out of its remains, leaving her legs scrambling around trying to flee. The technician thought this could be the end of her, but instead of being shattered, she was instead gently seated on the ground with a tousle of her tetrahedral hair. "When I am done, only half of your comrades shall remain." the titan assured her. "I hope they remember you." With that, Thanos turned his gaze toward the Diamonds. "But first, I have a score to settle with the both of you!" he declared. "I have tried to make peace all those thousands of years ago with Pink Diamond, yet your kind has refused to answer my pleas. For both that and your betrayal, I have no choice but to execute you." "What gave you the right to think you're strong enough to destroy us?!" Yellow cried preparing to strike Thanos down where he stood with her lightning. "This is for Pink you monster!" She stuck out her hand and zapped him, hoping to at least knock him unconscious but instead, Thanos condensed the energy into a sphere in his hand. "Is that the best you got?" With that, Thanos tossed the sphere at Yellow Diamond and electrocuted her, knocking the dictator to the ground barely clinging on to her physical form while she still could. "Oh my stars my Diamond!" her Pearl shouted rushing to her superior's side. "Please tell me you'll be all right!" "I'll be fine Pearl," Yellow groaned. "it's just that fighting Thanos took quite a lot out of me. I think I'm just going to lay down here for a while." she stated. "Two Diamonds down, two more to go." Thanos declared showing Yellow Pearl out of the way to step on Yellow's torso and preparing to smash her gem. "Even Diamonds should beware when bargaining with Thanos of Titan." Suddenly a wave of blue washed over Battleworld, bringing most of the Gems present to tears to the confusion of the superheroes. "Hulk don't get it? Why everybody crying?" Hulk wondered just as confused as his fellow Avengers. "I believe this is called pathokinesis Dr. Banner, aka the ability to control one's emotions." Silver Surfer explained to the goliath. "And it seems to be coming from a mourning, yet absolutely furious source." Thanos was quietly confused for a few moments, wondering why his crystalline opponents had dropped down in tears before immediately realizing what was happening. A positively livid Blue Diamond standing right behind him, and all Thanos felt was pure, unadulterated fear as the Diamond cast a gigantic shadow. "Your reign of terror has come to an end Thanos!" she yelled, her voice much more menacing than her usual soft tone. "Come, answer for your crimes against all Gems!" "I expected Yellow to be my first victim, but you shall provide a worthy substitute!" Thanos challenged her making the Stones glow. "Come and get me!" he shouted. Blue complied by spawning an orb of light that blasted him at full force with a hail of lasers, but the titan remained unharmed as he charged at full speed before propelling himself to meet the Diamond's gaze. The two of them clashed fists, sending shockwaves all across the patchwork planet and kept on brawling. "Is that how strong a Diamond is?! Have to say, I'm impressed." Captain America stated with a grin. "We gotta get outta here, this hunk 'a rock could go all Alderaan on us any moment now!" Star-Lord panicked just as they saw Thanos being tossed across the warzone right into his statue, making it fall over backwards. Miraculously, Thanos survived long enough to find Blue Diamond on the ground still righteously mad. "I am not done yet." Blue coughed barely getting up. "You will pay for everything you have done to us, our home and our people!" she cried. "Then what are you waiting for? Go on and finish me so that I can be with Death." Thanos beckoned her to land the final blow, eager to be united with his lover for all eternity. But instead, he punched her square in her gem, cracking it and knocking her back as well. "Oh no, Blue Diamond!" Steven exclaimed trying to rush to the Diamond's side before Lapis grabbed onto the back of his shirt. "Steven, I know you're a really nice guy, but can you leave Blue Diamond like this? I'm sure she's suffered worse." the water Gem tried to convince him, not even realizing he was gone before it was too late. "There you go, now find Yellow Diamond and a place to hide." Steven ordered Blue healing her gem with his spit. "W-why thank you little one." the Diamond said graciously. "You know, you kind of remind me of Pink Diamond in a way." Steven knew this was a good time to reveal the truth, but simply decided not to as Blue ran off to search for her sister. "If I cannot shatter any Diamond today, then I guess all that I have killed throughout our battles will have to suffice." Thanos mused before Steven stepped up in front of him. "But why?! What do you want to gain from killing so many people across the universe?" "Simple Steven, to save the universe and win the affections of Lady Death." the Mad Titan answered. "She told me that this universe was growing far too big. Too much of everyone, not enough to supply them." As evil as Thanos was, he did indeed have a point. "You mortals pride yourself on your resources to survive, yet time and again you waste them either for your own selfish gain or to destroy all who stand in your way." "So basically you're planning on 'saving the environment' in your own twisted way? Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate." Amethyst chimed in. "And then when the dust settles and all is well, I plan on perhaps taking up agriculture." Thanos continued. "But you can do that right now. Just take off the Gauntlet and we can take you back to Earth to start your own farm." Steven said. "I'm pretty sure that with time, Peridot & Lapis would love to have you as a roommate!" The boy's words fell on deaf ears as Thanos simply didn't pay attention to him, instead turning to Lady Death. "What do you say my bride? Will the carnage witnessed here in this war be enough to suffice our shared philosophy?" he asked the deity, grasping her hand and his knee on the ground. However, just when it seemed like Death was finally going to answer him after so long, it instead turned out to be one word that ensured that from here on out, everything was on a dangerous roller coaster ride to Hell. "No." This was something Thanos had never heard her say to him before, which made something inside him snap before roaring at the top of his lungs. "SO AFTER ALL THIS TIME, ALL YOU SAY IS NO?!" he screamed. "WELL IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU, THEN NO ONE ELSE IN THIS BLASTED UNIVERSE CAN!" The Infinity Stones then began to tear the universe apart in his fury as he used the Space and Power Stones to pulverize the surface of Battleworld's moon, revealing none other than the Cluster underneath. "Now you hideous geoweapon, kill them all!" He tossed the ball of Gem shards down to Battleworld in an effort to destroy the Alliance, but was stopped by Starfox who struggled to keep it from crashing. "Listen bro, she's never going to love you!" the Eternal groaned continuing to keep it above the ground. "Just stand down or there's gonna be big-" Before Eros could finish, Thanos instantly turned him into a stone statue before turning to the rest of the champions and charged toward them. "Steven, watch out!" Bismuth shouted trying to save the son of her former leader and put herself in Thanos's path, poofing her. In a blind fury, the Titan fired a gigantic energy blast at Nebula that nearly disintegrated her before she made one last effort to kill her abusive adoptive father by throwing a dagger at him. Thanos tore the dagger out of his torso & tossed it at Loki, stabbing him in the head and the god fell to the ground dead. "NOOOOO!" Thor and Gamora cried for their adopted siblings and tried to get revenge on Thanos. But his rage made him too powerful for just two beings to take on and within moments, they were on the ground horrendously injured. "What do we do now?!" Hawkeye exclaimed ducking for cover. "Simple, we try fusion!" Garnet commanded. "Steven, Amethyst, you try and stop Thanos! Pearl, you and me form Sardonyx to calm the Cluster!" "You got it!" the two short Gems saluted before they held hands and formed the portly fusion known as Smokey Quartz. "A human and a Gem?! How?" Natasha wondered. "We'll explain later, just let me take care of the grape for a while." Smokey answered before they charged at Thanos. "Hey wrinkle-chin, you feeling a little grounded?" Thanos turned to Smokey Quartz with a loud snarl. "Looks like you need some fresh air!" they joked tying him up with their yo-yos and tossing him around. "Hopefully you don't get dizzy!" However, their puns ended when Thanos shouted "Silence you brats!" and grabbed the yo-yos, the power of the Space Stone pulsing down the ropes before reaching Smokey Quartz, defusing them back into Steven & Amethyst. As Steven fell to the ground and raced to heal Thor & Gamora, he could hear the Cluster crying for help in his mind. "Please...help...us!" the shards all begged. "Thanos...making us...his slaves!" "I know what you are saying Cluster, but frankly you are too late." Thanos declared popping the bubble the Cluster was held in and unleashing the beast within. However, the forced fusion could barely recognize Steven and gave what he could make out as a thumbs up before it plucked Thanos off the ground. "What are you doing?!" the Mad Titan shouted being dragged & tossed around by the superweapon. "You are supposed to be my secret weapon!" "S-Steven...saved us! A-a-and we're returning the f-favor!" the Cluster exclaimed before it threw him in Sardonyx's path, in which she hit him with his hammer. "Thanks for the lift there big boy!" the eccentric showman fusion thanked it before she pounded Thanos to the ground. "You shall all pay for this!" the titan declared and he snapped his fingers, causing the Cluster to start glowing. "Someone...s-save us!" they cried out before exploding, making Gem shards rain all over Battleworld. "Did he really do that?!" Amethyst wondered as the shards fell from the sky. "And this is mine! This is mine too! Y'know what, all of these are mine! Gonna make me a fortune." she heard Rocket mutter while he caught whatever shards he could grab. "Y'know what, the Diamonds can take those Rose Quartzes back because I got's me a new venture!" "Rocket." Steven said glaring at the raccoon. "Okay okay, sheesh. Excuse me for wanting to make money." Rocket groaned dropping an entire armful of shards to the ground, but not before sneakily scooping a small amount of them up with his tail. "How's the view from down there big guy?!" Sardonyx called to Thanos with a hearty laugh, but the titan roared and fired another blast, ending her & turning her back into Garnet & Pearl. "Don't worry, Hulk got you two!" Hulk cried holding out his arms to save the two Gems before they landed in his giant green hands. "Thanks for the lift Banner." Pearl thanked. "No problem bird lady." Bruce replied. "But what can Gems do now?" With a snap of her fingers, Garnet knew what to do now. "Sugillite." she stated with a grin before leaping out of Hulk's grasp and standing next to Amethyst. "Sugillite?" the defective Quartz said before they danced and became Sugillite. "Hey Thanos, you want some of me creep?!" "We should help out too!" Connie suggested grabbing Steven's hand. "Right, come on out Stevonnie!" Steven exclaimed and they formed the fusion in question with Steven's shield & Connie's sword in hand. "Everybody behind me!" they commanded charging toward Thanos alongside the other champions, including a now out of hiding Yellow & Blue Diamond. Unfortunately, they proved to be too weak for Thanos who knocked most of them all down before moving onto Stevonnie. "You won't stop us when we're fused Thanos!" they declared, but they were wrong. Thanos grabbed both of them by the arms and slowly tore them apart, forcing them back into Steven & Connie. "As a matter of fact, I can." "Kids, let's try Stevoter!" Star-Lord cried and the two children agreed, racing into the space captain's arms & forming the part-Gem, part-human & part-Spartaxian fusion. "Ah sweet, laser sword is back baby!" Stevoter cheered charging toward Thanos in a bid to stop him while firing from their laser sword. "Need a lift?" Garnet suggested running alongside Stevoter. "You bet your ass we do!" they replied. "You try and get the Gauntlet offa Thanos and we'll handle the rest!" With that, Stevoter stabbed Thanos in the torso while Garnet tried to remove the Infinity Gauntlet off his hand. "How do you like me now?!" they shouted bashing the titan in the face with their Walkman shield, making it play various songs to further annoy him. "Boast all you want mortal, you're simply just pestering me!" Thanos boomed grabbing the sword by its blade and slowly removing it from his chest. "I know what game you're playing Steven. This is just a distraction while one of your lackeys takes away my gauntlet." "Wait, how did you know?!" Stevoter exclaimed in fear. "This has happened to me before, and I shall not let it happen again." Thanos declared, and with one last blast from the almost-removed Gauntlet, defused Stevoter & Garnet down to their base beings. Tumbling down on the ground, a now scruffled-up Steven found a barely conscious Captain America struggling to get up. "Cap! Don't worry, I got you!" he cried licking his hand to heal his idol. "Thank you very much Steven, but I feel like your mom's powers won't be enough for us here." Rogers stated getting up on one knee. "I've heard from the Gems about how you often feel inferior to Rose because of how much she's done for the Earth. I feel you on that one. Sometimes I feel that I'm just lost in a world that I'm no longer apart of, yearning for a good fight to keep myself away from living a normal life." "Why is that? You seem pretty fine now." Steven said before the captain stopped him. "You only don't understand because you're still a kid. Me, I've lost almost everyone while I was in the Arctic." he continued. "And as for parents, I'm pretty sure most of us can relate. Like for example, there's all the stories that Thor can tell us about his old man. But you, you're different. Rose may have done some questionable things in the past but you can change that by being your own Gem, whether it be a quartz or a diamond." Steve then held out his hand with a smile. "So then, are you ready honorary Avenger?" With tears filling the stars in his eyes, Steven took his hero's hand. "I'm ready Captain." the boy accepted before he hugged the captain, and he returned it causing them both to glow. Everyone else still present watched in awe as the shining mass grew larger and formed into a heroic, stalwart figure with a gaze of solid steel directed straight at Thanos. "Steven..." Pearl gasped in sheer wonder. "Steve..." Bucky added just as stunned. Thanos simply frowned at the sight of this new fighter, wearing a pink version of Captain America's costume with a yellow star on the chest, blue trousers, red sandal boots and carrying Steven's shield. "W-what? Did we just fuse?" the new fusion gasped in astonishment. "Well, no time to contemplate now!" "W-who are you?!" Thanos shouted as the fusion stepped forward while picking up a discarded Mjolnir from the ground. He then took a battle stance with the shield and hammer at the ready with a confident smirk on his face. "Call me the Captain." With a cry of "CHARGING STAR!", the Captain bolted toward Thanos at hypersonic speeds, bashing him in the face with his shield. "STARS AND STRIPES!" he added uppercutting the titan, sending him flying long enough to give orders to the others. "Fallback company, I can handle things from here!" "Wait, we can help!" Peridot exclaimed. "I SAID FALLBACK COMPANY!" the Captain reiterated yelling. The rest of the Alliance nodded and retreated, leaving the Captain alone with Thanos, who was busy recovering from the earlier uppercut. "Is that truly the best you can do? I'd like to see you try harder!" he shouted gesturing the fusion to bring it on. The Captain simply responded by putting up his fists and declaring "I could do this all day." With a single bound, the Captain rocketed high into the air and zoomed downwards with Mjolnir ready to pummel Thanos. When the Asgardian hammer connected to the Mad Titan's face, the result was a quick but massive thunderstorm that erupted all across Battleworld. Storm clouds began to form over the two before it began raining. Meanwhile far off in the distance, the rest of the Ultimate Alliance watched in awe of the final struggle between life & death. "Wait, Cap's just a human! How is he able to hold Mjolnir?" Amethyst asked Thor. "It's very simple Amethyst, he possesses a pure heart, noble mind and the spirit of a warrior. Forever courageous and with a sense of humility." Thor explained. "And it's possible Steven himself might be worthy as well." The two continued going at it like a furious pair of rival wrestlers or predators fighting over their prey, the Captain continuing to whale on Thanos with Mjolnir & both of his fusees' shields. Suddenly Thanos grabbed the Captain by the arm and flung him into the ground, losing his grasp on the hammer. "You're getting closer to the edge, yet you still refuse to yield." the titan muttered towering over his fallen opponent before walking away. "Wait here, allow me to retrieve the Gauntlet so that I can properly execute you." "NEVER!" the Captain screamed immediately getting up like he wasn't even hurt at all. "I won't let you hurt anyone else, whether they be my friends or anyone in our universe!" he shouted clenching his fist. "I'm giving everything I've got into this one last punch, so you better watch yourself!" Thanos said no words, instead pulling out his stasis gun in response to the fusion's last stand. The Captain charged at him with full force, teeth gritted and his fist preparing to attack. The spirit of all his comrades flowed through him, giving him even greater strength than before as their attacks collided. "FINAL...UNYIELDING...JUSTICE!" As a result of the Captain's punch going inside the stasis gun's barrel as Thanos fired, a gigantic explosion erupted dispersing the storm and attracting the attention of the Alliance. "I think that was Thanos's stasis gun!" Gamora exclaimed before Pearl shoved her out of the way. "Steven!" she cried as the champions all rushed to the duo's side. When the dust finally settled, all that was left were Steven, Captain America and Thanos all lying down on the ground. "H-h-he's dead! Thanos is finally dead!" Thor exclaimed taking back Mjolnir. "Let's just check to be sure." Natasha suggested just as their leaders awakened. "What happened? Am I dead?" Steven asked before Connie hugged him. "I guess I'm not, because you're here!" "So it's finally over, huh? A bit anti-climatic if I say so myself." Bucky remarked helping his best friend up. "Let's not speak so soon. Look!" Steve stated, bringing attention to Thanos slowly rising from the ground, his stasis gun now reduced to hunks of metal and face enraged beyond recognition. "I've had enough of all this! Once I regain my gauntlet, you will all pay for disgracing me!" However, where Thanos expected to find the Infinity Gauntlet, he instead touched nothing. "Where is it?! Where's the Gauntlet?!" he screamed desperately searching for it. That was when he heard someone slip it on and turned to realize who that was. It was none other than Steven. Steven felt himself surging with power over the entire universe, literally obtaining the ability to do as he pleased with the Infinity Gauntlet. Everybody gazed in shock and awe at the very sight of this one mortal boy carrying the single most powerful weapon in all of the universe, most notably Thanos who's astonishment turned to glee. "Yes, yes! This is just what I wanted!" he cheered in malicious joy. "A young apprentice to turn into my successor! What are you waiting for Steven, erase them all and we can ravage the universe as father & son!" Steven was put in a moral dilemma for a moment. On one hand, he couldn't bring himself to kill Thanos for that would betray his principles. On the other, he can't allow the titan to run free and wreak havoc across the cosmos. There had to be another way to keep Thanos in check without having to hurt him. Then with a bold, stern look on his face, he made his decision. "No." With a click of his fingers, things felt like they were being set right. Back on Earth, Lapis & Peridot's barn and Pink Diamond's palanquin were restored to their former states. All the planets Thanos had destroyed were pieced back together, including Homeworld, and the villains he had made join him resurrected. The cosmic deities were also brought back as well. A few bits of orange dust scattered about were brought together and formed into Jasper's gemstone, which was then immediately bubbled and sent back to Earth. Loki woke up to find he was now alive once more and the knife in his head gone. "What just happened?" he wondered before spying Nebula and even the Black Order revived as well. "D-did he really do it?" All of the Gem shards that made up the Cluster were reassembled and returned to their place within the Earth. Starfox let out a loud gasp as he felt himself rebuilt and un-petrified. "That's some kid." he remarked with a grin. Finally, Thanos felt himself turning to stone from the feet up and grinned at Steven. "So this is how it must end child. I must say, you made the right choice." he stated. "I hope we shall meet again someday Steven Universe. I hope they remember you." With one last satisfied grin, Thanos accepted his fate and let out a bright flash of light. The explosive flash blinded everyone momentarily. But even when their vision cleared, none are quite sure they should believe what their eyes see. Before them had stood Thanos, proud, powerful, ruthless and near heartbeats from victory. Now in that exact same thought moments later, stood the massive titan transformed into solid granite. With one last thought, Steven also spawned a black hole to get rid of Battleworld, sucking in the petrified Thanos as well potentially sending him drifting through parts unknown. Then the boy felt himself getting dizzy. "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think I'm gonna need to sit down." "We can rest later, we gotta vamoose!" Amethyst exclaimed. "Indeed, but what of the Infinity Stones?" Loki asked. "I suggest we divide them amongst ourselves so that they never fall into evil hands again." Thor suggested. "The Crystal Gems shall keep the Mind Stone while Lapis & Peridot shall take the Reality Stone." The Gems carefully removed their chosen stones from the Gauntlet, giving them to Steven & Peridot to bubble. "Meanwhile, the Avengers shall keep watch over the Space Stone, the Guardians get the Power Stone, Homeworld takes the Soul Stone and finally, Starfox shall keep the Time Stone." "Pearl, please remove the Soul Stone from the Gauntlet for me." Blue Diamond ordered her Pearl. "Yes my Diamond." Blue Pearl complied walking up to the intergalactic weapon to collect the Soul Stone and the others soon followed, also making sure to bubble Bismuth’s gem and the Gauntlet itself back to Earth. "So that's it then, we're some kind of Infinity Watch." Starfox commented. "I can roll with that." "Well what are we waiting for, let's move!" Spider-Man exclaimed racing to the Milano. "Apologies everyone, but I feel your ship may be way too small for us." Yellow Diamond stated. "We shall be returning with our own ships." With a single stretch of her arm, a much larger yellow arm appeared alongside a blue one. "I believe this is where we must say farewell." "Bye guys!" Steven exclaimed waving goodbye before Peridot shushed him and dragged him back to the Milano. "Farewell Crystal Gems." Blue Diamond said her goodbyes. "But next time we shall meet, it will be as enemies." Garnet and Lapis shivered at their former Diamond's threat before the Black Order appeared behind them. "Pardon us for the intrusion, but could we perhaps hitch a ride with you?" Ebony Maw asked politely, much to their chagrin. But they still had to be alive for them to eventually be put away. "One side maggot, I gotta fly this thing!" Rocket shouted shoving Peridot out of the way as everybody still present clambered into the Milano. "Okay, you don't have to be so rude about it!" Peridot exclaimed letting Rocket sit down. "All right, everyone hold on!" With that, the spaceship finally took off leaving Battleworld behind as it was fully devoured by the black hole, and started coming close to sucking them in as well. "You got anything that can make us go faster?!" Star-Lord exclaimed. "Makes me really wish this piece of junk came with ludicrous speed!" "Well, I guess this is the end." Pearl stated accepting their fate. "Any final words before we're all sucked in?" she asked the others. "I got just one." Amethyst answered. "Look!" She pointed at a certain red figure that had appeared in front of the Milano's large window. "Well, I see you're all fine and dandy after defeating Thanos like that." Mephisto commented. "Here, let me repay you for doing so." The demon started waving his hands in a pattern that caused a hellish portal to appear around the Milano, spooking the Crystal Gems. "What's going on, what's he gonna do to us?!" Steven cried. "Fear not, I recognize those hand motions from anywhere." Doctor Strange stated. "He is perhaps creating a portal for us to return to Earth safely." "But why? He's freaking Mephisto!" Parker shouted. "It's like he said, this must be his way of thanking us for taking care of Thanos for him." Kamala chimed in when they all felt the craft rumble. "Oh no, brace yourselves!" Steven and Connie closed their eyes tight and held each other close, fearing the worst as the starry background of space was replaced by pure red.

Before any of them knew it, they could hear the calm ocean waves and seagulls squawking over them. This had to be it. They were finally home. There was no doubt, only Earth could have a combination of those calming sounds. There was dead silence between the heroes as they departed the Milano with the Black Order still onboard. It only took a few days to struggle against Thanos, but it felt like years. Suddenly, all the people of Beach City came stampeding toward them, happy that their beloved Gems were in one piece. There were reunions all around. Connie's parents were ecstatic that their daughter was alive, Pumpkin raced into Peridot's arms and Greg brought Steven in for the first hug he had received from his dad in days. The townsfolk were also excited to meet the Guardians again and even more joyous to see the Avengers with selfies & autographs aplenty. "So little guy, how do you feel about your first Avengers mission?" Iron Man asked Steven. "It was awesome! I really hope we can do something like this again soon!" the boy answered excitedly. "I have to agree. It was nice seeing Rogers & Barnes again." Pearl added. "And it was also nice to meet all of you too." "Oh speaking of which, still have to ask." the captain remarked. "Do you still want to become Avengers?" he asked. "No, I think we're fine here in Beach City." Connie answered. "That reminds me," Amethyst declared pulling out her Avengers ID and breaking it in two. "I quit." "I suppose it's because the Crystal Gems are still your home?" Black Widow wondered. "Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say!" the small quartz replied. "It was fun being one of Earth's mightiest heroes, but the real heroes to me are my family." "So be it then." Thor said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to bring Loki back to Asgard." he announced pointing to his brother, now rolling his eyes with a scoff. "As much as I hate to say this boy, thank you for bringing me back to life." "And if you'll excuse us, we also gotta go fork the Black Order over to Xandar." Star-Lord added. "I hope one day we can all meet again!" Mantis replied excitedly. "What about you Eros?" "Well, I've got nowhere else to go right about now. Mind if I tag along with you a-holes?" Starfox asked. "Sure, the more the merrier!" Yondu accepted the offer. "Though I think at this rate we might need a bigger ship." "Hey, mind dropping me off at Westchester on the way back? I think Chuck might want me for something." Wolverine asked his fellow Avengers. "We'll make a note of it Logan." Clint answered before they all turned to the Gems. "And we'll make a note to-" "See us again! We get it!" Peridot interrupted with a goofy grin. "All right then, Avengers back to base." Steve commanded, then he turned to his crystal comrades. "And here's an Avengers ID. Just in case, if you need us, we promise we'll be there." "Thank you Cap." Steven said gratefully. As everybody parted ways, Thor & Loki to Asgard, the Guardians to Xandar, Silver Surfer to parts unknown & the Avengers back to their home city, Steven looked at the ID he was given and smiled, knowing that this was an opportunity for more marvelous adventures to come.

And that, after many months of waiting, is the conclusion of Secret Wars! Thank you all so much so sticking by me and stick around til the end of the author's notes for a few special Marvel-style surprises. I've already got a whole 'nother trilogy in the works and hopefully you love it as much as Clod on the Run & this one, which I officially dub the Guardians Trilogy. Until we meet again true believers, adios!

"CRYSTAL GEMS RETURN!" the headlines of the Daily Bugle read, much to the chagrin of the Absorbing Man and his partner Titania as they were imprisoned on Ryker's Island. Carl tore the newspaper into paper scraps in a blind fury while Mary nonchalantly filed her nails. "Oh I'd love to get some payback against those crystal chumps, especially their brat!" "Oh chill out Creel. It's not like someone is going to just waltz in and offer us a chance at that." Titania responded before they heard a guard step in. "Creel, MacPherran, you got a visitor!" he shouted motioning for a silver-haired man to enter. When he met the gaze of the two criminals, he smiled and handed them a case file with a lightning bolt symbol on the tab. "I am Truman Marsh. I have a proposition for you."

Far across the country back in Beach City, Steven slept peacefully in his bed for the first time in ages with the Avengers ID given to him kept on his nightstand. He thought he was going to sleep easy tonight when he opened his eyes to find himself in the same black void that he had met Thanos in in his dreams. Fortunately, the Mad Titan wasn't there to greet him. "Greetings son of Pink Diamond." the voice of Lady Death said, much to the boy's surprise. "How did you know?" he asked. "Didn't Thanos tell you child? I know the name of every soul who has lived, died and ever will be. Yet when Pink Diamond was 'shattered', I didn't see her move into the afterlife." Suddenly a toilet started flushing and out of a door came a man in a red-and-black suit clutching his stomach in pain. "Oh God, definitely not eating 372,844 chimichangas in under an hour ever again!" he moaned collapsing on the ground. "Still better than those forty cakes. That is as many as four tens, and that's terrible." "Uh, who are you?" Steven asked squinting his right eye in confusion. "Aw goddammit! If I'm gonna cross over with Steven Universe, does that mean I have to resist the fanbase as well?!" the man shouted in disgust before looking at you, the audience. "And what are you still doing here? It's over, click away! Go find some Amedot or Stony fic to read!"

The Crystal Gems will return.        

[thebluephilosopher-blog]

This is a lesser known but I think great game. Frankly I have seen far worse get several games. The slight twist being that in almost every game you play, goblins are the bad guys. Well in this one not only do you get to play them, you are the good guys! So lets dive into this.

Plot: The plot is, shall we say straight forward. We start with the beginning explaining that a mage greeted the goblins. Originally there were only 5, each with their own characteristics and personality. But as time went on there were hundreds and still growing. Each fell in line under one of the original 5, forming separate clans. You start out one day doing your usual work helping the master build the 'great machine.' When suddenly something goes wrong and the cave starts to fall down on the stone crusher clan, lead by Grommel. As you escape the master teleports out mortally wounded and when Grommel asks who did this, all he says is "brother" before dying. So nice beginning, suspicion of betrayal. However some red hellfire goblins are spying and see the dead master. The stone crusher clan moves to bring these ill tidings to Grax, leader of the hellfire and they are attacked when they get close. Turns out that they suspect Grommel of killing the master. Grax does not believe any of your protests of innocence so when you battle your way to the confrontation where you find Grax has laid a trap for Grommel, in the form of a room filled with gunpowder and igniting it himself. It fails and with no leader the Hellfire clan joins them. Basically the same thing happens with each group as you add them to your team. Up until the last group. That is where you find out that the last leader, Nassus, who I might add is the most evil looking and sounding goblin ever, is surprise surprise the one who tricked the other goblins against Grommel and Killed the master. However it is so obvious is almost impossible not to know this. The reason he did so was apparently the mage had a bit of a god complex. The 'great machine' was actually a soul bomb, a device that would kill and harvest all the souls of every living thing in the world, save for the one who uses it. Basically it would give the user the power of a hard reset to the world, to remake the entire world in the users image because they would have unlimited souls and the power to make all the living things to their choosing. Sort of how he used souls to make the goblins. The game ends with Nassus going into a portal vowing to just build a new one and try again, while Grommel throws his hammer at his head while he does. The game ends with even Grommel wondering if he is dead or not. I will just say that leaving your ending open is the best way to end a game. Gonna make a sequel? Perfect, leave people speculating. Just going to do one game? Still works and leaves the fans chomping at the bit for something new, or making up their own fan fiction.

Sound: Music is alright, nothing that will blow you away. They use fake speak to simulate goblin language, frankly I find this is an underrated method. For example, people HATE Starfox Adventures because they mixed up the letters for a legitimate way to change the language to both be usable and sound alien yet still be functional if you know how it works. This game uses half the effort and just has certain voices saying gibberish it. However the sounds are recycled so much you can tell they only have about 3 sound clips for each. So nothing to write home about but they tried.

Gameplay: Your usual game mechanics. Souls and gold are currency. Souls for making units, gold for buying upgrades, new units or defense towers. However they change up the style of each clan to have its own unique sort of ability's. For example, the stone crushers have the only healing unit and are well balanced with bonus armor. Hellfire have the most ranged units, most range and most sight. You almost always want them. Storm bringers use magic, have the most possible health and can have magic armor that acts as a health buffer. Plaugespitters have the most speed, can move through obstacles with ease and have acid. Over time the enemy loses a steady amount of hp for each hits. Meaning a small amount can do more damage to a large group. Finally the Nighthorde. pretty much death is their theme. They are melee focused but they loot more souls from battle, can actually generate gold from kills and can kill things with a single hit. you can only have a max of 3 clans so they play off each other, changing how you play against your enemy.

World: Not to lore heavy but the world is fleshed out. I already explained the difference but the units have very different looks and designs. I have to say that this is one game that does goblins right. Even as the good guys you solve problems the goblin way. Is the enemy using a thick forest for cover while they shoot you? Burn it down. Is somebody using some device to rain destruction down on your units? Bust it up. Very simple problem solving skills. No thinking about the aftermath or ecological repercussions. There is a ham-fisted charm to it. Anyone who just likes getting right down to the fisticuffs and does not want a story heavy plot getting in the way of the fun will love it. I have played through several times over and each level's sort of gimmick still gives it a unique play.

Characters: I have already gone over this but basically I will just sum these characters up in a goblin way.

Gromel: Big strong viking like leader of tough grey goblins. They work hard and strong good rocks. Frax: Boss of red gobbies. Make things go boom boom. Even own troops. Faine: Ruler of the Blue Stormbringers, master mage and commands the lighting as he wills. Few can match his wit and ingenuity. Syst: Great leader of the green clan that roams the hills. His will shapes the vines and bramble, twisting the very jungle in his favor. Nassus: Leader of purple nighthoarde, keeper of sssouls, maker of death and massster of lisssspsss. Pretty much mossst evil guy around.

Monsters: Just the goblins here, although I suppose the legendary units count too. Unless you count sheep and lava slimes.

Final thoughts: Overall this is what I would call a fun game that doesn't take itself too seriously. Not everything fun has to be complicated, time consuming or difficult. In fact I would say difficulty scales with fun. If a games controls are very specific, or requires pinpoint timing and mistakes are punished with fatality, you are robbing the game of enjoyment. Which do you think is more fun? Memorizing all the moves a character has and then carefully practicing them so you can do them on cue or having a button that does the activated move, halving the time to master a character? Would you rather just do the thing that makes you feel awesome, or would you like to earn it over a long time? Now I know some people will say you should work for it, or earn it. But are games really about "Earning the fun" through Work? Or are they supposed to be the reward themselves? Good questions to think about, till next time.

Brought to you By:

TieTuesday- Speaking of fun, here is someone to take a look at. Do you like watching good games, bad games or an adult playing games meant for little kids? Then he is the guy for you. This guy loves to be good at really bad games. In fact I think he placed second in worlds fasted playthrough of Sonic 06. Great sense of humor and even a few old references for nerdy peeps. Check him out here https://www.youtube.com/user/TieTuesdaySA and I know for a fact he has done the best lets plays of Super Godzilla and Mission impossible.