#anyway happy soft!michael tuesday

[blackbutterfliescal]

With Eyes To Hear

A Michael Clifford One Shot

Pairing: Barista!Michael Clifford x Deaf!Reader

Word count: 3.4K

Rating: Fluff

Requested by: N/A

Content: second person POV, gender neutral reader insert, Deaf!reader (uses sign language & lip reading primarily), first date, singular mention of smoking

A/N: The Deaf community is very near and dear to my heart. I’ve been taking ASL classes for just over 2 years but I’m not Deaf/HoH. I will not claim to be a voice for this community but if you are Deaf/HoH, I welcome any thoughts you want to share with me. If you want to read a really sweet Luke fic by someone who is hearing impaired, check out Can You Hear Me? and Valentine by Frankie. 💕 Also!! big big shout-out to my bby Adri for making this pretty moodboard for me 😇😘

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———

This afternoon was proving to be the longest in recorded history. At least that’s what it felt like to Michael. The cafe had been dead since he got there after lunch and it was nearing closing time. He felt like he could count this shift’s customers on one hand. Rainy days were always slow, but today seemed never ending.

Michael could hear the rain falling outside the door, which Calum left propped open for one last smoke break. As he moved around the pastry case to sweep the small seating area, Michael glanced out the windows to see that any hint of daylight was gone. The street lights had flickered on outside the cafe and reflected brightly off the rain-slick pavement.

He resumed his sweeping, determined to leave on time today. He broke out of his cleaning trance at the jingle of the bell above the front door. He did his best to plaster on a smile, knowing he had less than ten minutes until close.

“Oh, sorry we’re-” He stopped short.

Heavy boots hit the floor repeatedly in an effort to knock the water off on the welcome mat. The door slammed shut behind you and, though you didn’t seem to notice him, Michael winced slightly at the sound. You shrugged the oversized rain jacket off your shoulders and hung it on the coat rack by the door.

So much for leaving on time tonight,he thought.

He made his way to the register as you approached. You gave him a small smile and wave and he couldn’t help the tired grin on his face. “Sorry,” you mouthed, eyebrows furrowed. You really wouldn’t be out for coffee so late if you weren’t desperate. And you were trying hard not to track the rain all over his clean floor.

“What can I get you?” he asked. The exhaustion was evident on his face.

“Do you have a pen and paper?” you signed.

“Ummmm…” Michael dug in the pockets of his apron quickly for the notepad and pencil he usually kept. He handed them over to you in a hurry and you let out a giggle at his frantic actions. Michael’s stomach picked up with butterflies and his face cracked into a smile at the sound. You slid the notepad back across the counter with your order and your name scrawled at the bottom. When he looked up to meet your face, you gave him a timid smile.

He read out your name as he leaned down to grab a to-go cup and started to make your coffee “I used to go to have a babysitter with the same name. They were so strict! I remember this one time….” He trailed off as he turned to the machine behind him. Michael always rambled when he got nervous. And he was always nervous around people he thought were cute. When he faced toward you again, you noticed his lips moving and waved your hand to get his attention.

“I’m deaf. I can’t hear you. But I’m pretty good at reading lips! Just face me when you talk.” You kept the polite smile on your face as his cheeks flushed red. This wasn’t new territory for you by any means and you had become an expert at navigating situations like this, unfortunately.

“Oh! I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking.” he sighed and looked at his feet.

You waved again to draw his gaze back to you. “It’s fine! Just remember to look at me when you speak.” Michael smiled at you sheepishly with a small nod. “Okay.” He wasn’t familiar with the signs you were using, but he could piece together what you needed from him.

He quickly finished the order and placed the coffee on the counter, telling you not to worry about paying for it. Besides, he’d already counted the money drawer and didn’t want to have to do it again for a single coffee. You held his gaze with a toothy grin for a few beats before pointing at the door awkwardly.

“I’m...going to go. Thank you very much! I’ll see you around,” you signed.

You pulled the raincoat on again and wrapped your hands around the warm coffee before disappearing into the rain, letting the door slam behind you.

Michael stared at the door long after you’d gone. It wasn’t until Calum came back in to do some last minute clean-up that he snapped out of it.

———

That night when Michael got home, he sat in his usual spot at the computer. His phone buzzed on the table next to him, lighting up briefly to show a text from Calum.

Are you joining the game or not, man? We’re getting our asses kicked.

Michael had been at this for hours and could probably use a break to play. After a moment of thought, he shot back a quick reply.

Not tonight.I’ve got something else going on.

He sat his phone face down, causing him to miss Calum’s cheeky response, and glanced at the clock at the bottom of his computer screen. He’d been researching for hours. He decided to watch one more video before calling it a night. A yawn that stretched across his face as he clicked play on yet another video titled Deaf Culture 101.

———

It had been almost a week and Michael was still hoping to see you come back into the cafe. He’d been working on signs for anything he thought might be helpful but practicing your name was his favorite. He made Calum quiz him every day when the mid-afternoon lull hit. Calum completely understood where his friend was coming from but sometimes Michael got on a soapbox about inaccessibility for hours and that always made Calum roll his eyes, regretting his decision to be helpful.

When you appeared in the cafe that morning, Calum threw a wink at Michael and watched as a nervous blush crept across his face and neck. Calum gave him a small thumbs up and made sure to stay out of his way as you got closer to the front of the line.

“Good morning!” He spelled your name out at an agonizingly slow pace. “How….are you…..today?”

A wide smile took over your face and you suddenly felt a little embarrassed that you didn’t get his name last time you came in. You quickly found the name tag pinned to his apron and let out a sigh of relief before replying politely. You did your best to use signs you thought he might recognize and give him time to register them.

It took a lot of concentration for him to remember the right signs now that you were here and you could tell that he was panicking and clearly flustered. He remembered your order and your smile reached your eyes at his thoughtfulness.

“And one of these!” you said, leaning forward to point at your favorite treat in the pastry case for clarity. When you looked up from the baked goods, you met Michael’s light eyes. He must be the sweetest thing in here, you thought while holding his gaze. Your eyes went wide with shock at your own mind, causing you to glance around the rest of the shop before realizing the two of you were holding up the line.You quickly shuffled to the cash register where Michael rang up your breakfast.

As he gathered the change in his hand, you motioned for him to keep it and he slid it into the tip jar. “Thank you!” he signed with a smile. His nervous brain got ahead of him and he couldn’t come up with the right signs before he blurted out, “I wanted to ask if you’d want to hang out this weekend? I’m available Sunday afternoon?” You smiled again, reading the question on his lips. “Sure! That sounds great! Do you want to text me and make plans?” you asked, looking around for a pen and paper to write down your cell number.

Shock and excitement ran across his features as he picked up your coffee cup from the counter. He scribbled his phone number on the cardboard protector and handed it to you. Michael always felt so awkward making small talk and a new language made him even more nervous. He genuinely couldn’t believe you had agreed to a date with him. You gave him a small wave as you pivoted toward the door, giving him another smile over your shoulder before making it outside.

Michael was stuck in the same place with a goofy grin on his face until the next customer made their way to the register. Calum clapped his hand across his friend's shoulders to pull him back to reality but he didn’t come down from cloud nine for the rest of the day.

———

The two of you exchanged constant messages until Sunday rolled around. Your conversations were effortless and, most of the time, about nothing. You’d discussed every favorite you could think of, the strangest orders he’d taken each day, the interesting people you saw on your commutes, and he’d even snapped you hilariously edited candids of Calum. Poor guy had no idea his friend was turning him into a pirate or a pilot or a heavy metal rockstar.

You’d gotten a slow start to your morning as you made breakfast and sat down to watch the news until it switched to local programming around eleven o’clock. As you were getting ready for your afternoon with Michael, you realized the two of you had never decided what you were doing. He did ask you to hang out after all, so you hoped he had something in mind. When you messaged him to ask, you felt the tiniest bit guilty nixing a couple of his ideas immediately. Movies just weren’t practical since captioning devices were notoriously bad and, though a nice restaurant sounded lovely, the lighting was almost always too dim to read lips. He was throwing ideas around pretty quickly, so you thought it a little odd when he disappeared for a few minutes after a couple of rejected ideas. You knew he wouldn’t just leave you hanging, so you sat your phone down and continued your routine, deciding that if you didn’t hear from him by the time you were done, you would pitch a few plans of your own. After about ten minutes of silence, just as you picked it up to propose a place to go, your phone buzzed and lit up with Michael's name at the top of the screen.

I have a plan but it’s a surprise. I’ll send you the address but promise me you won’t look it up! Oh, and wear sunscreen 😎

You can’t help the amused smile that took over your face as you promised not to ruin his surprise. You wondered what in the world you’ve gotten yourself into but knew you’d have a good time with Michael no matter what.

After another half hour, Michael texted you that he’s ready when you are. He sent you the address and you couldn’t help trying to piece it together. You were somewhat familiar with the part of town where you were meeting, but not enough to figure out what he had planned. You let him know that you were on your way, sunscreen and sunglasses in tow.

After a short drive across town, you pulled into a fairly empty parking lot. Panic started to creep into your stomach until you spotted Michael standing outside his car at the other end, waving happily with a big grin on his face. As you parked, he came to the side of your door to help you out. He was always so sweet and thoughtful that it caused a permanent blush on your cheeks.

“Hi! How are you? I’m excited to see you again,” he signed, much improved from the last time you’d seen him. The smile on your face always seemed to accompany the warm blush when you were with Michael. “Me too!” you said as you looked around to see where he’d brought you. Your brows furrowed as you turned back to meet his gaze, “What are we doing here?” Determined to keep it a surprise, he told you that you would just have to be patient and wait. 

Patience is a virtue but not one you were known to possess, so you quickly pulled the things you needed out of your car and locked it up. Michael took your hand and led you down the sidewalk. You knew you were near the banks and you could smell the water but you still were at a loss for what you were doing.

The two of you strolled hand-in-hand for a few blocks, content with the silence between you. You had only known each other for a short time, but it made you happy to see that he had so quickly become comfortable with you. He wasn’t the same nervous, rambling man you first met, though you will admit you found him charming either way. When it came to navigating the hearing world, you were almost always outside of conversations and it made you feel warm that Michael didn’t see the need for mindless jabber. He was waiting until he could properly sign with you and that meant more than you could let him know. Instead, as you made your way wherever, you both watched the sparse tourists out and about the area for the afternoon. 

As you came upon a small path toward the banks, he motioned to the side to let you know that’s where you were headed. After a few more steps, you cleared the last row of buildings and saw the pier stretched out in front of you. Of course it was the pier and you couldn’t believe you didn’t realize sooner! You stopped for a second to take it in. It had been a while since you had gone to the pier because it was always a draw for visitors and you tended to avoid the large crowds. You took in the rows of carnival games and fried food stands outfitted in flashing lights before seeing a pair of tourists flying from one end to the other on a giant zipline. Your eyes went wide with shock and you shot a quick, worried glance at Michael. He began to laugh before he replied, “don’t worry - we’re just here for games and food!” He barely finished signing to reassure you before he wrapped your hand in his again and he took off, pulling you toward a pair of whack-a-mole seats.

The light crowd that afternoon meant that you could walk up to any stand without a wait to play and you were convinced Michael wanted to play every game there. When you were both beat out at whack-a-mole by the ten-year old next to you, you decided buzzer games probably weren’t your strong suit. The two of you raced between game stands in a never-ending fit of laughter. Some games had you competing against each other and the playful trash-talk amused the game attendants. Then, just as quickly as you’d started your banter, you’d find a single player game and become each other’s biggest cheerleader.

After losing at the cat rack, tin can alley, and the balloon bust, Michael wanted to try his hand at a game of chance, since clearly precision was not for him. His pace between games had slowed down considerably since you’d arrived and he was determined to win something to take home. He just hadn’t found much luck. The two of you wandered down the wooden platform with your fingers lazily entwined until you found the ring toss booth. You dropped his hand and signed excitedly to him that you’d find another game to try.

When he came very close to winning on several rings from the first bucket, Michael decided to give it a second go. The two of you tossed one red ring after another, almost making it many times but always watching them bounce off to the side. You picked up the last two rings in the bucket and handed one to Michael. His eyes met yours and you both nodded before turning back toward the game. He used his free hand to count down from three and you both sent the rings sailing through the air. You watched intently as they bounced around the bottle tops before Michael’s landed squarely around the golden glass bottle in the center.

He threw his arms up in the arm in victory as you looked at him with surprise and celebration on your face. His arms came down around your shoulders in a quick hug before the game attendant came over to help him claim a prize. Without hesitation, he turned to you and asked “Which one do you want?” You glanced up at the options and pointed out a small stuffed animal hanging right above you. As if on instinct, you hugged it to your chest when the attendant handed it over and thanked them and Michael. Smile on your face, stuffed animal in one hand, and Michael in the other hand, you couldn’t have been happier as you wandered between stalls.

The smell of something sweet caught your attention as you looked around to find the source. Michael must have read your mind because he began guiding you in the direction of the food stand without warning. To your surprise, the person inside the booth knew enough sign language to take your order without needing a pen and paper. Michael beamed from ear to ear watching your happiness as you were able to order treats for both of you. He only caught every second or third word, but he could see the elated smile on your face. Michael had needed to step in at most of the games throughout the afternoon, so you felt very excited to find someone who spoke your language.

Once you’d retrieved your treats and thanked the worker again, you began to walk back toward the parking lot leisurely. Just as you finished your snacks and were about to approach the end of the pier, you spotted a small photo booth kiosk. You grabbed Michael’s hand and tugged him off in that direction without much of a choice.The two of you piled onto the narrow seat and closed the curtain before you fed money into the machine. You selected a decorative frame with the date in the corner and the onscreen countdown began.

For the first pose, you held up the prize Michael won you with a toothy grin and he threw up a thumbs up, earning a laugh from you. You both pulled a funny face in the next pose and when it popped up on screen, you noticed that Michael had the tiniest bit of food stuck on the outside corner of his lips. You turned toward him and reached your hand up to rest on his cheek as your thumb swiped away the residue. Michael let out a small gasp as his face turned to you. The camera flash for the third picture caught you off guard and caused you to pull away as heat flushed over your cheeks. Before his confidence faltered, Michael cupped your face and brought his lips to meet yours. Your eyes fluttered closed briefly before he pulled away and looked into your eyes. You could read the hesitance in his expression until you placed a peck on his lips to tell him that it was okay. His mouth stretched into a wide smile and you felt your cheeks burn even hotter as you pulled back and glanced timidly at the stuffed animal in your lap.

Michael reached for the copies of the printed film strip at the bottom of the machine and flushed as he realized the last picture was of your kiss. He handed you a copy as he signed “cute” with a smile before opening the curtain and stepping out of the kiosk. You carried the photo strip in the same hand as your ring toss prize so you could hold Michael’s hand in the other. As you made your way back down the sidewalk to your parked cars, you leaned your head against his shoulder. He placed a sweet kiss to the top of your head with a smile, earning a contented hum from you before you fell back into silence for the next few blocks. You had known you would have a good afternoon with Michael, but it had exceeded all expectations.

———

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[niall-is-my-dream]

Addicted to You - Part Twelve

Hi! So here's the next part! It isn't being read much on here, please let me know what you think. I'd really appreciate a like or a reblog. Thank you x

Emily x

Catch up below

https://niall-is-my-dream.tumblr.com/post/666267291647950848/addicted-to-you-masterlist

Tuesday morning brought some summer rain to London, it splashed softly against the windows of the meeting room you were in.

"So I think a change of plan is needed for our site visit!" You laughed to Richard and Jeremy from PGR Developments.

"Agree!" Richard said laughing.

"Looks like no rain tomorrow though. Can you meet us then?" Jeremy asked as he browsed the weather app on his phone.

"Yes, afternoon would be better as the site would be drier." You replied.

You spent the next hour going over the plans for the shopping centre and discussing your ideas for interior and exterior decor and design.

"We were lucky we didn't have much opposition from locals in regards to building it, but they were worried it would look like a prison. The main reason we went with your design was your attempt to try and blend it in. Soft colours and edges with lots of green space was what sold it to us. We loved the idea of a central courtyard around the shops for sitting and dining."

"Thankyou, I was aware on my site visit how close it was to residential areas. Plus it's a beautiful area of the Berkshire, I didn't want to spoil the view. Here at Gables we like to design buildings that are both practical, cost effective to build, but that actually look nice. I cringe when I see the prison like buildings you just spoke about."

"There isn't any need for it, is there? I understand they are probably cheap and quick to build but that's not what we were looking for. Michael was right to put you in charge of the pitch." Jeremy said.

You smiled and accepted the compliment.

You were stood in the foyer as you said goodbye to them when you saw Michael and Niall.

"Richard, Jeremy so good to see you. I hope Jessica has been looking after you?"

"Good to see you to." Richard replied shaking his hand.

"And yes she's been taking good care of us. "Jeremy added as he shook Michael's hand to, a large smile on his face.

"You remember our new Chief Operations Officer Niall Horan?" Michael said as he gestured towards Niall.

They greeted Niall and shook his hand to, Nialls face may have look pleased to meet them to, but you could see a linger of being annoyed across it. You wondered what he and Michael had just been discussing.

Jeremy and Richard left and you had a brief chat with Michael and Niall about how it had gone.

"Are you both free for lunch?" You asked. "I'm going to deli around the corner."

"I'm a bit busy at the moment, got a call in......15 minutes." Michael said checking his watch.

"I'll pick you up that chicken salad box you like while I'm there and pop it by."

"Ah you don't need to do that." Michael said trying to protest.

"It's no problem, I'm going there anyway. Did you want your usual Niall?" You said asking him and his face had softened from that annoyed look.

"Yes please." He said as he reached in his pocket for his wallet.

"My treat for both of you.  I'll swing by your offices when I'm back."

"Take an umbrella! And don't run in those heels!" Michael said laughing.

It was only 20 minutes later when you arrived back. After taking Michael his lunch you made your way to Niall's office. You knocked before entering, finding Niall sitting at his desk on his phone with a much better expression on his face.

"Yes Da, it's fine. I'd love to see you both."

You placed the lunch on his desk, before moving behind it and parking yourself in his lap. He smiled up at you and wrapped his right hand around your waist.

"Yes she's just walked in.........yes hang on....." Niall said as he moved his phone away from his ear and put it on speaker phone.

"Hi Jessie." Nialls Dad Bobby said excitedly.

"Hi Bobby, how are you?"

"All the better for hearing you two are back together."

"Yeah we are pretty happy to." You replied as you ran your fingers through the back of Nialls hair.

Niall nuzzled his face into your neck as his Dad spoke again.

"Myself and my partner Aoife are coming to London a week on Friday if that's ok?"

"Yeah of course it is. I'd love to see you!"

"Ah you sweet girl, we can't wait to see you to. We've got a couple of tickets to the Derby game on the Saturday, but Aoife is insisting I take Niall with me instead of her. She's planning a bit of shopping if you'd like to join her?"

You looked at Niall and he nodded. You were quite an easy going person and got on with most people, Niall had only said a few things about his Dad's partner Aoife, who he had been with for about 8 years. But a little reassurance from Niall that you would get on with her was appreciated. Niall's smile and nod told you that it would be great fun.

"I'd love that, thankyou."

"Text me the details of your flight and I'll come and pick you up." Niall said.

"Oh no no, we will get the train. Don't trouble yourself Son."

"Honestly Da, it's not a problem."

After arguing about it for a few minutes, Niall relented and let his Dad insist he would get the train from the airport. You said your goodbyes and Niall hung up the phone.

"Will be nice to see your Dad?" You said as you ran your fingers through his hair.

"Mmmm will be." He replied clearly enjoying you stroking his hair as he kissed your neck.

"You ok? You looked a bit annoyed, stressed maybe when I saw you earlier."

There was silence for a minute before he answered.

"I'll be honest, I was a bit jealous at the way that Jeremy bloke was looking at your arse." He admitted.

You stopped stroking his hair and looked at him.

"He can look all be wants, but I'm taken." You smirked as your ran your hand under his jacket finding the gap in between the buttons of his shirt. Giving his stomach a stroke he flinched as it tickled him.

"Still didn't like it." He managed to say. "Although I agree with him, you look good in this skirt."

"Yeah?!" You giggled and leaned in to kiss him gently.

"Mmmmm, tight enough to show off that amazing arse of yours, but loose enough that I can touch you while you're sitting on my lap." And he gathered up your skirt over your knees, his hand gently pushed your knees apart.

"Niall." You whispered.

"What?" He whispered back, his lips right by your ear, his fingers finding your clothed centre.

"We promised we wouldn't misbehave at work!" You said moving his hand away.

"Alright but I am having you as soon as we get home."

"Definitely." You replied kissing him and then moving off of his lap. He gave your bum a tap as you did causing you to smile.

-----------

It felt strange arriving at Niall's flat after work the following Thursday night. Niall's Dad Bobby and his partner Aoife were arriving tomorrow and Niall wanted to make sure that the fridge was full for them and that the place was clean. He had been staying with you non stop for weeks and the surfaces of his flat had got a light layer of dust across them. You'd called in at the big Tesco on your way there, grabbing some essentials.

You helped Niall give his flat a good clean, music was playing softly as you went from room to room. He had ordered a take away for you to be delivered as neither of you could be bothered to cook. After a long day at work, the food shop and then the cleaning, preparing a meal was the last thing you wanted to do.

"My bed feels weird." Niall mumbled as he shifted around in his bed trying to get comfortable. "I'm too use to yours now."

You laid in silence in his bed smirking, the lull of a few cars driving past could be heard through his open window.

"Do you think people will think we are rushing things by living together like we are? I mean we only reconnected less than two months ago." You asked him cautiously.

"Probably, but it just feels right ya know? I don't want to waste anymore time. I should've asked you to come with me to Dublin or I should've convinced you that we could've done a long distance relationship. The flight is barely an hour. We could've kept our relationship going."

"I feel like that to." You replied. "It feels right and we really don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks."

"No, we shouldn't. I just don't want to let you go again. I've known since I was 19 years old that you were the one for me and it's not going to change."

You leaned across and kissed him. Kissed him and hoped that he would know that what he just said you wholeheartedly agreed with.

---------

"There she is!" Bobby said as you followed behind Niall into his flat Friday evening after work.

"Bobby!" You replied as he gave you the biggest hug.

"Hey don't worry about me Da, you know your favourite son who you've not seen for two months!" Niall said jokingly.

"Ah stop being jealous Son! Come here!" Bobby replied as he let go of you and caught Niall in a hug.

"Hi Jessie, I'm Aoife." Bobby partner said and she gave you a hug. She was a few years younger than Bobby with a warm smile that matched his.

"So nice to meet you, how was your flight?" You replied.

"Oh great, it doesn't take long at all."

"Right let's not talk about flights and all that rubbish. Why don't you two go and change and then I can treat you all to dinner?" Bobby asked.

The Oak Bistro near Niall's flat was the one where you'd gone when you'd first reconnected. Niall had said that he often came here with his Dad when he was over from Ireland. You'd managed to get a table outside by the river again and took your seat next to Niall.

"So my lovely young Jessie, what have you been up to these past 9 years?" Bobby asked you as your drinks arrived.

"Well I did a couple of temping jobs in offices after we graduated and managed to secure a job with a London based architect firm in the November. I was there for 3 years before I moved to Gables 6 years ago. I was commuting to the city everyday up until then before moving here permanently. Money was so much better at Gables so I could afford to live here."

"Yeah it is expensive here isn't it? But I suppose it's the same as Dublin. Expensive in the city centre but you can commute easily from cheaper suburb an hour away." Aoife said.

"Yes and that's what I did but I was beginning to build friendships at work and Ben and Rachel had moved here, so it made sense to be around them. I was always having to sleep on someone's sofa if we ever went out for dinner or to the pub."

"And you're doing ok at Gables?" Bobby asked you.

"She's doing amazing." Niall replied. "Secured a really big contract for a new shopping centre a few weeks ago."

"Well my team and I did." You said blushing.

Niall smiled at you and you smiled back.

"Ah Bobby you were right they are just the sweetest!" Aoife said.

"What did I tell you?!"

"What did you tell her?!" Niall quizzed his Dad.

"Just how adorable you were together. I remember when Jessie came to stay for the first time and you spent the day before she arrived cleaning your room, changing your bed and generally making a massive fuss about her arriving. I knew straight away she was someone special."

***11 years ago***

"Niall James what has got into you?" Bobby exclaimed as Niall huffed while putting his bedsheets in the washing machine.

"Nothing." Niall said denying all existence of his anxiety.

"Are you nervous about this young lady visiting us?" Bobby asked.

"No." Niall replied quickly.

"So yes then?"

"I just......want to make a good impression." Niall admitted.

"And huffing about changing sheets and vacuuming your bedroom will help that." Bobby joked.

Niall gave him a look of annoyance, but Bobby just smiled. "You haven't asked if she can stay in your room with you yet?"

"Da, are ya serious? I've not seen her for 6 weeks!"

After your first year exams finished in May, Niall had come to stay with you at your family home for 4 days before flying back to Ireland. He had been working at the local pub since then, while you had been doing some temping work in an office. Both of you trying to save up enough to be able to fly over and see each other during the summer break from University. And finally six weeks after he left yours to fly home you were making the journey from England to stay with him for a week.

"I'm just saying, did her parents let you stay in her room with her at their house?" Bobby asked.

"No, but......."

"But you thought I'd let you?"

"Well yeah, I just presumed. You let Greg's girlfriend stay over."

"Yes, but Greg is older."

"Oh come on Da I'm 19 and I've told her she can stay in my room with me."

"Well, you should've asked first." Bobby replied a small smirk on his face.

"You're joking with me aren't you?" Niall replied the realisation that his Dad had been messing with him.

"Yes son I am, and boy was it easy to get you even more worked up than you already were!"

"So, she can stay in my room?" Niall asked not quite convinced.

"Yes......But Niall in all seriousness please be sensible ok? Are you being safe?"

"Jesus Da, I'm not having this conversation."

"It's important Niall, if she's going to stay here over the summer and you go there then you need to make sure you're being safe. So are you? Have you got condoms?"

Bobby was being serious now and Niall knew he wasn't trying to embarrass him in anyway. That didn't stop Niall from going bright red and looking down at the tiled floor in the kitchen.

"Yes." He managed to mumble.

"Yes you have some?"

"Yes to both."

"Good, when I spoke to her parents the other day they seemed like lovely people. I really don't want to be sending their daughter back pregnant."

"DA!"

"I'm just saying!"

"Well just don't and please don't embarrass me in front of Jessie, she means a lot to me."

"I can tell that, you've been moping around here for weeks missing her. Look, I'm not trying to embarrass you but I can tell that this is something serious and I just wanted to make sure you were being safe ok? I won't mention it again."

"We are."

"Good. Right go and finish up because you'll need to leave for the airport soon."

Niall headed up to his room then, getting out some clean bedding and making his bed. With a quick check of his room a little while later he closed the door and made his way to the airport.

-----------

[calsplaidpants]

teenage dream (luke hemmings)

summary: i wanna consider this more of a blurb of random memories dating luke that go with the song "teenage dream"

pairing: luke hemmings x reader

warnings: none

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you think i'm pretty without any makeup on

i woke up to soft kisses trailing up from my shoulder to my neck.

"babe" lukes soft voice rung through my ears. i smiled as i buried my face deeper into my pillow trying to go back to sleep.

"baby" luke whined pulling me closer to him

i smiled to myself and finally turned to face him. His face lit up and he jumped and started planting soft little kisses all over my face, causing me to giggle.

"i love you so much" he mumbled as he kissed me softly.

"ew ew stop lu i havent brushed my teeth" i laughed and pushed him away gently. he buried his face into the crook of my neck.

"______ you know i love everything about you. i dont care if you have stinky breath, this is my favorite version of you. you're so pretty without all the make up to" he whispered into my neck

"now stop being mean and kiss me please" he whined as he sat up.

i smiled and pulled him back down into a kiss.

you think i'm funny when i tell the punch line wrong

"fuck you ashton i cant fucking finish it" cal slurred slamming the half empty vodka bottle onto the table.

"pay up cal" ashton chuckled as he finished off his drink.

michael, calum, ashton, luke and i were currently hanging in our living room just drinking and chatting. calum and ashton were on the floor next to our coffee table. mikey was laying on the couch. while luke and i were cuddled up on the other couch.

"nooo you have to start what you finished cal" i blurted causing luke to giggle and the rest of the boys to look at me in confusion.

"girl i think you said it wrong" michael laughed

"nope nope i said it right he has to start what he finished" i slurred and luke laughed once again

"no love, its you have to finish what you started" luke giggled as he ran his hand through my hair

"shhhh same thing" i giggled putting one finger up to his lips and he laughed.

"CALUM GIVE ME MY MONEY" Ashton yelled.

i know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down

with work, hate from fans and family issues, everything was becoming too much for me. i've been bottling everything up for too long. so i finally let it all out.

the minute i got home from work, i jumped into bed and cried.

"________" lukes voice echoed from outside the door

shit he was home. i wiped my tears and mascara the best i could.

i watched as the door knob turned. once the door opened luke's tall figure was revealed. his face dropped when he saw me. he immediately ran over to sit with me and pull me into his embrace

he stayed quiet for a while, as he just held me and rubbed my back. the tears kept running down as much as i tried to hold it all in.

"what's wrong love?" he asked as he placed a hand on my cheek.

"nothing lu, its fine" i mumbled

"___________, no i dont want to hear the its fine or im fine. you're obviously not. i'm your boyfriend we live together. please trust me to be here for you. " he pleaded.

"lu, i dont want to burden yo-" i started before he cut me off

"no don't say that. you will never ever be a burden to me. i want to be here for you i want you to need and trust me. because i love you" he smiled.

that was the first time he said 'i love you'

"you love me?" i whispered looking up to him

"yes i do i have for a while, i just thought it was the perfect time to say it its okay if you dont feel ready to say it but i" he rambled as i cut him off

"no luke i love you too"i smiled and hugged him

"does this mean you're gonna finally let me in" he asked

"i think so" i whispered

before you met me I was alright, but things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life

"i'll have one of whatever she's having" a voice said

i looked up and a tall blonde was now sitting next to me, i smiled at him and looked back down to my drink to continue fiddling with the straw.

"i'm luke" he smiled

"_________, nice to meet you luke" i replied

"here's your long island iced" the bartender announced as he slid luke the drink

"good choice, my friend cant get enough of these" he laughed

"yeah they've been my favorite for so long" i smiled

"anyways what's got a pretty girl drinking alone on a tuesday night" he asked

"just stress from work and a crazy ex boyfriend i can't seem to get rid of. speaking of the devil here he comes" i sighed as dylan, a tall brunette covered in tattoos walked in.

"________ what the fuck are you doing here?" he yelled as he approached luke and i

"dylan we're not together. we just live together" i groaned

"as long as you live in my house we're together" he continued

"i told you i'd be out in a couple weeks" i mumbled

"i dont care. lets go" he screamed and grabbed me by my arm and pulling me off the chair

"woah buddy let her go" luke said standing up.

"who the fuck are you and why do you care"dylan yelled as he pushed me to the side

"i'm her new roommate asshat, now let her go we'll get her stuff out this week" he said

"good" dylan said and walked away

"crap, i don't have to place to go within a week"i muttered to luke

"my friend was looking for a roommate since i moved out. i can talk to him" luke offered

"you're a stranger but please can you help. i hate living with him i hated being with him he was so controlling since i always had to be at work he thought i was cheating" i rambled

"its okay. you can stay the night at my place tonight if you'd like to avoid him tonight" luke rambeled awkwardly

"thanks ill take you up on that" i smiled

"great lets go" he smiled.

now every february you'll be my valentine, valentine

i woke up to the door bell ringing. i immediately got up and went to the door. once i opened it there was a man holding a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers

"are you ______ _______?" he asked and i nodded

"here these are for you from mr. hemmings" he said as he handed me the flowers

"thank you have a nice day" i smiled

"happy valentines day ms" he said as he walked away

i smiled to myself, despite luke being on the other side of the world he never forgot to send flowers for whatever the occasion was.

once i was ready i texted luke

thanks for the flowers lu<3

happy valentines day, wish you were here!

lmk if you can ft later today

i also sent him a picture of me and petunia with the flowers.

about 30 minutes later luke finally replied

happy valentines day my love <3

hope you liked the flowers

yeah i'll call you in an hour so

that has to be my new favorite picture of my girls <3

it was finally an hour but no call from luke. i didnt want to bother him because he probably got busy

about 2 hours later i got a ft call from him i immediately answered

"hi lu" i smiled

"hi baby" he smiled

"so where are you today?" i asked

"i dont know, why don't you come open the door" he giggled

i dropped my phone and sprinted to the door. once i opened it luke was right there. i immediately jumped into his arms

"what the fuck are you doing here?' i asked as he walked into our shared home still holding me up in his arms

"my best girl was not going to be celebrating valentines day alone. so i obviously had to convince management i needed to come and they let me" he smiled

"lu you didnt need to do that" i smiled

"but i wanted to. now go get ready we have dinner plans" he said kissing my forehead and putting me down. i nodded and ran back up to get ready

[spaceskam]

when you come home to me

Summary: Alex comes home for a few days and spends them in Michael’s bed.

Tags: bittersweet fluff, lost decade, implied sexual content

for the @malexremix here's a remix of @tkstrrand ​ ‘s fic If the world was kind, he would stay. 

ao3

Monday

Alex took a deep breath, hands squeezing the armrests of the airplane seat.

They’d just landed and he was just waiting for the clearance to get off the plane. Then he’d catch a cab to his dad’s house to pick up his car and he’d get to go home. He was crawling out of his skin with anticipation and nerves. He knew, logically, that he’d be welcomed back. But he always held a sliver of doubt. Alex was always just preparing himself to walk up to Michael’s airstream and find someone else in his bed.

He didn’t have insecurity around Michael’s bisexuality or anything. He wasn’t intimidated by the idea that Michael might choose to be with a woman because it’d be a simpler time while in Roswell. Honestly, anyone would be easier for Michael to date in Roswell. At least they’d be there full time.

Yet, he couldn’t shake his nerves. He’d gone too long without contact this time, he thinks. Three years. So much could happen in three years. Michael could’ve met someone and gotten married and had a kid and it would’ve been a socially acceptable timeline.

God, he really hoped he didn’t have a kid or a spouse.

The entire process of leaving the airport, watching a few of his fellow soldiers have a grand reunion with their family while he walked towards the doors alone, and riding home in a stuffy cab that smelled faintly of weed seemed to pass all too quickly and drag on painfully at the same time. He was as sure it’d taken his entire day as he was sure it’d been 15 minutes and he was about to fall on Michael’s doorsteps without the time to think of what to say.

The first sign things were going to go in his favor, though, was the fact that his dad’s house was empty. Alex knew his father knew when he was coming back to Roswell. Not that he deliberately went out to keep track of that date, but his dad always seemed to know everything that Alex did. Which would make sense considering his current CO was buddy-buddy with Jesse Manes. The fact that he wasn’t there, waiting to make it difficult for him to get to Michael’s, was a godsend.

Alex took a record-breaking run to his room. He grabbed his phone, his charger, a couple more items of clothing, and his keys and he was gone before his dad could even return.

Michael moved between Foster’s Ranch and the junkyard. He didn’t think about what it would mean if he was somewhere else. How would he find him if he wasn’t there? 

Fortunately, he didn’t have to dwell on that disaster seeing as Michael’s truck was right where he left it in Sander’s junkyard. He took a breath and climbed out of his car at the same time Michael emerged from the door. He had to lean against the car as he got a good look at him.

He looked practically the same, maybe with a little more facial hair going on, but the shirt and the jeans were more of the same. Alex didn’t have to touch it to know how soft the fabric was from years of use. He didn’t have to feel Michael rub his stubbly cheek on parts of his body to know it’d leave a beard burn rash for a day or two after he left.

He wanted to feel it anyway.

“Alex,” Michael breathed, his eyes going a bit wide and his lips parting like he couldn’t quite believe it. That hurt more than Alex had the words for. 

Alex pushed himself off the car and shoved his hands in his pockets, hoping to give his hands something to do while also keeping them to himself until Michael gave him the green light to do otherwise.

“Hey.”

Michael took each step down with his entire body weight, thud, thud, thud, like he didn’t know another way. It had Alex feeling nervous and excited and a billion other things.

“You’re back,” Michael said. Alex tried to smile, but it refused to find his face so he nodded and looked down.

“Temporarily.”

Michael was quiet for a moment, but he never stopped walking closer. He stopped just an arms-length away and Alex’s eyes trailed up him, trying to spot any difference. He didn’t really see any, only a few holes in his jeans that Alex longed to put his fingers through.

“How long?” Michael asked.

“‘Till Thursday,” Alex said, making that arms-length distance more like hands-width. Michael nodded slowly, his eyes betraying his thoughts and feelings. How that wasn’t enough, but he would accept it anyway. A twisted part of Alex basked in the fact that he was wanted at all.

Instinctually, Alex looked around the junkyard for any signs of life. Not that he was foolish enough to think that Sanders didn’t know something. More than once, he’d whistled for Michael like a dog instead of coming close enough to knock which Michael thought was hilarious and only happened “when you’re in my bed, Private, I think he’s got Spidey senses”. It was a little nerve-wracking, but Alex was able to convince himself that that didn’t mean Sanders knew it was him or knew what they were doing. There was reasonable doubt to be had. But. Still.

“Sanders is away, I’m looking after the yard for a while, no one’s around,” Michael whispered. Alex’s eyes drifted back to him and a smile finally found his face at the idea that they were completely alone. That meant he could convince Michael to stay in bed a little later in the morning. That meant he could get him to be a little louder. They could be a bit more comfortable in their own skin.

Michael moved until they were practically chest to chest, nearly stepping on Alex’s toes in the process. He wouldn’t have minded if he did, honestly. Michael reached up to grab his collar, tugging him in until they were nose to nose. He laughed softly, that tense knot of nervousness in his stomach exploding into pure excitement. For all the times he told himself he’d never come back to Roswell, this made it blatantly clear why he kept doing just that.

“Wanna go inside?” Michael murmured, tilting his head just enough to nudge his nose into Alex’s. Alex nodded quickly, feeling young and dumb and giddy for just a moment, and Michael smiled. God, he was beautiful.

Michael’s hand drifted from his collar down to his hand and he led the way into the airstream with Alex hot on his heels.

When the door closed, Alex started to unbutton his jacket. He expected frantic, desperate movement from both of them like usual, but Michael stopped and looked at him up and down for a moment. Alex grinned and slowed just a bit, just to tease. Michael rolled his eyes and leaned forward, his lips brushing Alex’s cheek in an experimental fashion. Something bigger than butterflies‒birds, maybe pterodactyls‒burst in his stomach at the small affection.

“Say ‘honey, I’m home’,” Michael asked against his cheek, voice quiet and unsure. Alex turned his head until they were nose to nose again and shucked off his jacket. It hit the floor and he didn’t give a shit about picking it up to fold it neatly.

Alex hooked his thumb into the hem of Michael’s jeans and tugged him in until they were pressed together from head to toe. He very much wanted to be pressed head to toe without their clothes between them. So he grabbed the belt buckle.

“Honey,” he said, breathy and not as sing-song as he was planning. Michael grinned anyway.

Alex yanked the belt out of the belt loops and Michael started to untuck Alex’s shirt, calloused fingers gliding over his stomach. Alex slowly started backing him further into the airstream towards the little bed that they’d made more happy memories in than Alex would ever tell anyone about. They were theirs. No one was allowed to taint them.

“I’m home.”

-

“You’ve been gone a while.”

Alex tried not to flinch at the simple statement, instead of letting his fingers trail over Michael’s skin. He had his ear against his heart and the soft, repetitive thud was soothing in more ways than he had the words for. 

“I got a promotion, things have been kinda hectic,” Alex said, quiet and clinical in hopes Michael would drop the subject sooner rather than later, “We were traveling a lot.”

Alex managed a glance up at him and met his eyes, silently asking him to drop it if he could. That was an easier said request than done, but still. Michael rewarded him with a hand through his hair.

“Congrats,” Michael said dryly. Alex scooted a little closer, pressing up against his body in hopes that it’d subdue whatever was going on in his head. It was all he could do.

“Tell me about you,” Alex said, desperately changing the subject as he rested his head on Michael’s chest again. His heartbeat was a little louder, a little faster. Alex wanted to soothe that away somehow.

Michael’s arms wrapped around him.

“Isobel got married.”

“To Noah?” Alex asked, a smile tugging at his lips. He didn’t know the guy and he had mixed feelings about Isobel, but Michael loved her and he thought Noah was good for her and therefore Alex felt the same. “That’s great.”

“Mhm,” Michael agreed, craning his head down to search for a kiss. Alex moved to touch his face and deepened the kiss with ease.

This he could do. This he knew would make him relax. It always did. Maybe that was stupid and immature, but it felt good. It was an easy way to see Michael smile, to hear him laugh, to feel his skin turn red with adrenaline and excitement. And Alex knew he was the cause.

He liked being the cause of good things and so far making Michael feel nice was the only thing on that list.

Alex pulled him down into bed with him all over again, a silent promise to add a tally next to that one item on the list.

Tuesday

Alex slept in late for the first time in a long time, allowing himself to wallow in bed even after he knew there was no more going back to sleep.

He rolled and buried his face in the pillow before remembering that he wasn’t alone. A small smile found his face, still hidden away from the world in the comfort of the pillow and he reached out, feeling for Michael. However, the bed was empty and his smile was replaced with a pout. He lifted his head groggily and looked for Michael only to see him watching him from across the trailer.

“Come back to bed,” Alex whined, reaching out for him and forgetting himself for just a moment. He shouldn’t be whining and begging and using grabby hands towards anyone regardless of what they’ve done. Still. He did it. He quickly dropped his hand and evened his face once he remembered.

Michael seemed unphased by the slip-up, a big, warm smile on his face as he leaned against the counter. He was shirtless and had a pair of jeans on that were unbuttoned and hanging loose on his hips. Alex could follow the line of hair across his abdomen down to where it disappeared beneath his jeans. It made him feel warm all over again and he could feel himself forgetting his composure, wanting to just reach out and take.

“I will in a second,” Michael said softly.

Alex scrunched up his nose in distaste which got a huffed laugh out of Michael, but he quickly let it drop and he sat up. He reached across for where his bag was and pulled out a pair of clean boxers to put on and then threw on one of Michael’s shirts on top of it. It wasn’t as warm as the one he was wearing, probably, but it would simply have to do. And it really, really would do.

Michael came closer, finally, and sat beside him with two mix-matched mugs in his pretty hands. He handed one to Alex and adjusted himself to lean against the wall as Alex took a sip. He found himself staring into the cup almost too afraid to take another sip in case this was just something he made up in his head despite the warmth blooming in his gut at the taste.

“What?” Michael asked, taking a sip of what was most definitely coffee from the smell of it.

Alex turned his entire body to look at him, disbelief thrumming through his veins and a smile pulling at his lips.

“Since when do you drink herbal tea?” Alex asked, raising an eyebrow. He had at least one vivid memory of Michael choking and spitting it out when Alex had forced him to take just one sip.

And it turns out he didn’t and all of the disbelief in Alex’s system lit on fire into pure euphoria as Michael said he got it just for him. A small hope and faith that Alex wasn’t just fucking around with his feelings and dropping off the face of the Earth. Not just that, but spending his money on something for Alex. They didn’t really spend money on each other and this wasn’t necessarily expensive, and yet…

“Thank you,” Alex breathed, moving forward to kiss him again. Michael kissed him back and then took the mug from him to place on the counter beside his own. The taste of the coffee on Michael’s tongue definitely clashed with the tea, but Alex craved it. 

The shirt he’d put on ended up on the floor and Michael grabbed his knees to pull him into his lap enough to lay him down. Alex felt high on him, on the idea that he bought him tea, on the fact that he wanted him to come back, expected him to come back. He held onto Michael’s back, tugging him in close and almost clawing at his back just to make sure this was real. That he was really here and they were really together if only for a moment in time.

“Ah,” Alex breathed, gripping him tighter as Michael’s teeth dug into the skin of his neck.

They seemed to have the same idea.

Wednesday

One day, when Alex had a house of his own, he was going to have an at-home library.

He didn’t have time for books much anymore, but the idea was still appealing and one day he wanted to have time for books. He wanted his walls to be lined with them, to have a full selection, to have the permanence of them. Michael, however, was already beating him at starting a collection.There wasn’t many in the grand scheme of things, but more than one should have in a living space so small, a stack of textbooks and non-fictional works on the table and a hidden pile shoved beneath the bed. 

The whole thing had Alex feeling light and fluffy again despite the fact that Michael was working and Alex had to entertain himself this morning. It was just so cute. Alex took a shower and got dressed and when he got all ready for the day, he found himself staring at the stack. He carefully took the top one and started to thumb through it.

He objectively knew Michael was intelligent. He didn’t care what people said about mechanics, the shit was hard work and took more intelligence than he was sure anyone really knew. Even Alex really only knew how to change a tire. Michael, on the other hand, had built an entire engine.

Still, opening the old textbook to see it was flat-out mechanical engineering in the most clinical way was enough to make Alex feel warm with pride. All the highlights and notes in the margin felt so personal and the loose-leaf paper tucked into the practice problem pages screamed Michael Guerin. He was just so fucking smart. Alex liked him so much.

A few vocabulary words later‒and most notably a lot of notes on how to build a bigger, more powerful engine and an asterisk to remind him to compare to notes in his Rocket Propulsion textbook‒Alex found himself peeking behind the little curtain to see if he could spot Michael. And he did, seeing him wiping his hands as he spoke to a pretty woman who was probably a decade or so older than them. She was very clearly appreciative and Alex couldn’t help but snort a laugh.

Alex went back to the textbook, making himself comfortable in Michael’s bed. He had a secret, personal, debatably gross affinity for the way the blankets began to smell after they’d had sex a few times without washing them. It was gross, but they smelled a little musty and a little like Alex’s body wash and a little like Michael’s skin and a lot like they were a product of the two of them existing as one. He’d enjoyed the smell since the summer after high school when they were resigned to the bed of his truck with his sleeping bags. The idea of it pulsed in his veins.

He brought the blankets to his nose and kept reading.

“You’re dressed,” Michael noted when he came back inside. Alex managed to drop the blanket at the sound of the door opening in a casual motion, trying not to do anything distinctly weird. If Michael noticed he didn’t say anything, instead happily sitting on the bed in all of his sweaty, greasy glory and pulled Alex’s legs into his lap.

Alex glared at him and deeply buried the urge to see what his neck tasted like when he was this messy.

“It was getting cold,” he said simply as he put the book down.

“That’s what the blanket is for.”

“So, I was just meant to wait here for you, naked?” Alex teased, gravitating closer unintentionally. His eyes drifted to that spot on his tan neck, glistening with the heat of the day. A little bit of staring and he realized he left a mark.

Huh. That was a first.

“That was the plan, yeah,” Michael said. He grabbed Alex’s hand and held it tight.

Alex teased him and watched him closely, considering pulling him down and saying screw showers despite the fact that Michael desperately needed one before he put his hands anywhere sacred. Michael, however, noticed the book.

“Engineering,” Alex told him when he asked, “You’ve got lots of notes in here, you building something?”

Alex turned a few pages, that one reminding him to compare notes in his rocket science book unintentionally catching his eye again.

“Just cars,” Michael said, tone of voice a little more tense than it should be.

Alex met his eyes and stared at him. And for the first time in a long time when it came to Michael Guerin, Alex got that weird feeling in his gut that said he wasn’t telling the truth. Which would be ridiculous‒what the hell would there be to lie about?

Instead of letting himself sit with the idea, however, Alex tilted his head back and closed his eyes, shaking it out of his mind. They were having a good week. Alex was being paranoid for no goddamn reason. He rubbed his thumb over the back of Michael’s hand before shifting to lay his head on his shoulder. He didn’t smell like the sheets. He smelled like Michael. And Alex didn’t care that he was probably getting him dirty just by being near him.

“What’d you wanna do?”

“Can we just…” Alex said, breathing out as he considered the fact that Michael did actually have to bathe and that they did need to change the sheets after him sitting on them. He wasn’t quite ready to give up the potency yet. He could only have it for so long. “Can we just sit here for a bit?”

“Of course.”

Without meaning to, Alex dozed off. When he came to, the sheets were changed and smelled fresh, though still of Michael, and Michael was clean and tucked up against him. Alex was reminded by how much he liked clean Michael as well. He couldn’t tell if he liked him dirty or clean more.

It didn’t matter. Alex reached up to press his fingers against the mark that was much more visible when he wasn’t grimy and Michael, unconscious and endlessly sweet, moved closer.

He wondered how hard it would be to get Michael to cover him in marks, little reminders for just a few more days after he left. That was, however, extremely impractical and irresponsible given, well, everything about his job.

So instead he cuddled closer and held him and tried to memorize the way his body felt this close.

Thursday

“Do you remember the movie Cars?”

Alex blinked a few times as he registered the words coming out of Michael’s mouth. He was struggling to stay awake considering they’d spent the entire morning testing out the true meaning of stamina and destroying the concept of a post-coital recuperation period, hours dedicated to whiting out Alex’s mind from the inevitable departure that was coming closer with each passing moment. They were running out of time and Alex was much more content to not think about it or address it.

And Michael apparently wanted to talk about Cars.

“What?” Alex asked, lifting his head. Michael was laying in the opposite direction, his lips swollen and red and his hair a frizzy mess where it laid against Alex’s shin. His feet were on the wall to avoid being on the pillow.

“Cars, like the animated Disney movie?” Michael said.

“I-I mean, yeah, I remember Cars. Just, like, where did that come from?” Alex asked, huffing a laugh. He grabbed one of Michael's ankles and brought it to his chest, just needing to touch him.

“Remember when we watched it in Spanish senior year?” Michael continued. Alex nodded, watching him. 

Michael seemed still a little dazed now that Alex’s eyes focused on him more. His fingers were playing with Alex’s leg hair and his eyes were half-lidded and the sun was shining even past the curtains, his tanned skin glowing. Alex had littered his skin in tiny red marks that he couldn’t ask for in return. He looked fucking godlike for a moment. Longer than a moment. 

“Yeah, I remember we had a sub and she couldn’t figure out how the subtitles worked so we watched it in Spanish with French subtitles,” Alex said.

“You put your head down and your shirt rode up a little ‘cause of it. I sat there for, like, thirty minutes trying to figure out how to tell you that your shirt rode up and I could see, like, a millimeter of your boxers and an inch of your skin. It was nothing, really, but I remember feeling like it was the most scandalous thing I’d ever seen. And I stared at you the whole class period trying to work up the nerve to say something to you, anything, even if it was just saying I liked your shirt,” Michael rambled, his voice a little muffled against Alex’s leg. That didn’t stop Alex from feeling like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. “Anyway, if you could be in that universe, would you wanna be a living car or a living plane?”

Alex breathed a soft laugh, trying and failing to move past the part where he had just admitted something insanely sweet from a time months before they even really spoke one-on-one for the first time. Clearly, they needed to go at it like that more often. They didn’t tell stories like that. They didn’t talk about things that mattered.

To Alex, that mattered.

“Plane,” Alex whispered, slowly pushing himself to a sitting position and trying not to jostle Michael too much even if it felt awkward. Alex kissed his knee as he slowly took one of his legs back. “I like to fly.”

“You like to fly,” Michael repeated, soft like he was keeping it for himself. Alex smiled and slowly shifted one of his other legs away. Michael pouted adorably about it and Alex slowly made his way up his body. 

“Yeah,” Alex said, fingers sliding over his thigh as he placed himself over Michael. The pout faded into something a lot more serene. “I did really well in flight school.”

“You have a pilot’s license?” Michael asked.

“Yeah. Air Force.”

“I’ve looked it up before, not everyone in the Air Force flies planes,” Michael said softly, reaching up to rake his fingers through his hair, “I didn’t know you did.”

“It’s a convenient thing to have and it was offered to us for free. So, you know, if we ever need to fly away, I can handle it,” Alex said. Michael stared at him for a moment. Maybe longer than a moment.

“Okay,” he said, pulling him down for a kiss.

It was languid and slow, the sun bearing down on them and making it hotter in the airstream than it already was from them alone. And Alex reveled in it. He wanted to soak in as much of this feeling in every way.

Because in twelve hours, he would be gone.

His flight was at five. He had to leave Michael by two so he could drop his car off at his dad’s and then he had to call a cab. And that would be it. He would be gone and he wouldn’t know when he would be back.

It was hard, leaving. Alex wanted so many things, all of them so out of reach, and his body ached for it. But he couldn’t have them. It wasn’t about what he wanted and, even though Michael seemed to want it too, Alex knew it was bad for them. It was messy and there were too many other players and it was best they stole this small time and didn’t make it harder than it had to be. They kept it physical and casual because it was what was best.

And yet.

Michael’s hand pressed to the base of his spine, a hot presence holding him close. He touched every inch of skin he could and he kissed him like it was important. Michael kept tea for him and put off work to be here. He hadn’t looked at his well-loved notebooks since Alex got here. His attention was on Alex. All of it. He was wanted here. Alex loved the way that felt.

He loved him.

It was almost torturous how something could be literally in his hands and simultaneously entirely out of reach. The silly game Alex played with himself, letting himself get all excited about going home because he wanted to see him while reminding himself that there was no guarantee that Michael was waiting. There was no promise made. Hell, they barely spoke about things unless they were trivial to make sure they didn’t make things worse.

And he loved him.

Alex didn’t have to ask if Michael was seeing other people when he was gone, he knew he was. He was handsome and smart and hardworking despite what he’d have others believe. He knew one day he’d come home and Michael wouldn’t be open to letting him in his bed. He’d find someone nice, someone cozy, someone safe. Someone who didn’t keep him waiting around. It was only a matter of time. It was stupid to care too much.

But Alex loved him.

They didn’t start another round this time, bodies too fraught and fried and tired to try. Instead, they kissed until the kissing stopped and they just held each other. The sun was shining on them, the clock was ticking, and Michael’s skin was sticking to his with sweat from how hot it was but neither of them was bold enough to move.

And Alex loves him.

Friday

Alex let out a shaky breath as he watched the clock tick to 1:45 AM.

He’d run out of time. Michael was laying on his back, sound asleep with his head leaning towards Alex. It hurt to look at him, but Alex mustered enough courage to touch his face carefully and push his hair back. He kissed his forehead and then his cheek, watching to make sure he didn’t stir, and then slowly got out of the bed that had been so nice to him these last few days.

Alex gathered his things quietly, putting on his shirt and his pants and his shoes. He grabbed his phone and his keys and held them tightly to muffle any excess noise. His heart felt like it was going to melt out of his chest as he looked at him. Apparently, all the touching didn’t help him feel ready to leave at all.

God, it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad.

Alex closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t tell Michael when his flight was or when he was leaving out of self-preservation. He didn’t trust himself to leave if Michael was awake. And yet it still felt like the hardest thing.

Beside Alex’s bag was a soft, worn black sweater. The sleeves and the neck were stretched out. It smelled like Michael. Alex found himself pulling it over his head despite it still feeling a little hot in the airstream. He wanted to keep something, just this one thing, just for a little while.

Quickly, to make himself feel less embarrassed about it, he opened one of Michael’s notebooks to leave a note. He had a million things to say. He settled on something simple.

Borrowed your sweater, it was cold hope that’s okay.

I’ll give it back next time I’m home

- AM

He started at it and swallowed, trying to make sure it was enough. Maybe he could smother it in tiny hearts or find something to make a kiss print with or something. Something that would let Michael know that he loved him even though that wasn’t an option. He couldn’t think of anything worthwhile, though, and instead just flipped it over.

I’ll be back, I promise

Alex took another deep breath and looked at Michael again, mentally saying fuck it as he leaned back down to kiss him on the cheek and breathe in the smell of his hair. It was intoxicating. He wanted to crawl back into bed with him. It was so much better than being out there, running special operations because he was talented. That’s what he was told. Talented. We need you, do you really need a vacation right now? You’re important. Your decryption is incredible and needed. Fine. Five days, but then you need to come back. Captain. 

Five days.

“I’m going to come home,” Alex murmured, standing up straight. He swallowed the lump in his throat and found a tack in a small cup of screws and other pointy things, sticking the note where Michael would see it.

This wasn’t it. He was going to come back. Maybe Michael would be with someone more permanent by then and maybe this was the last time he’d get to kiss him. And that would be fair and Alex wouldn’t complain.

But maybe not. And maybe he’d have more of him in his future. More talks. More anecdotes about liking Alex.

More. They could have more one day. This wasn’t over.

Alex got in his car and drove.

[pixiegrl]

I’m Back in My Body

Luke has a conversation with KayKay that pushes him to re-consider his own gender identity.

Hello all. This was born out of @daydadahlias and I chatting about KayKay in their latest fic and Jess reminded me of part of this series, where I had KayKay come out as non-binary and in turn, it helped Luke come out as non-binary. KayKay uses she/they pronouns and Luke uses he/they pronouns. So thank Jess for pushing me to finish this part of the series. I’ve been thinking about Luke’s gender in this series for a while and Jess gave me the push i needed to explore it. 

Big thanks to @tigerteeff for many things: the original push to write this series, to keep going with this series, for the encouragement of having Luke and KayKay be non-binary. Heath has inspired many parts of this series and I love them for it. Also thanks to @lifewasradical, for the help on this doc and the constant love and support I really wouldn't be half the writer I am without you I love you thanks for putting up with me. And to Mandie, Molly, Brooke and Meg for reminding me to do what I love and listening to me while I ranted about writing. Love you guys.

on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29793279

As far as days go, it’s a pretty average Tuesday. Ashton’s out doing some music things with his friend Matt and Michael and Calum are doing their own weird MikeyandCal things that had sounded vaguely close to sexual. Luke had pouted about being left until Ashton had kissed him and told him it was healthy to spend time apart. Luke doubts it, but it also gives him some free time to go hang out with (harass) Sierra and KayKay at the store. 

Luke shows up close to noon, blowing through the door in a floral sundress and heeled gold boots. It had been one of those mornings, when Luke had looked at all of his pants and felt uncomfortable at the thought of anything masculine. The weather’s nice enough for sundresses now, a relief to Luke’s scratchy brain when he’d put it on. It’s a dress Sierra recommended once, all soft pinks and bright flowers and he wants Sierra to see it. 

Sierra’s standing at the counter, clicking around on her laptop. She grins when she spots Luke, waving him over.

“Luke! Just the person I was hoping to see. I’m putting the final touches on those photos you wanted for Ashton’s gift. Come look!” She waves him over. Luke grins, crossing the store to lean over the counter and look at her computer. 

Luke looks good in them, propped up and posed on the couch they’d used, in his bed (which had taken some convincing to get Ashton out of the house long enough without him suspecting what was going on). Luke looks soft and delicate, pink lips and soft curls and wrapped in lace and bows.

“They look so good, Si. How’d you manage to make me look so good?” 

“Thank KayKay. Without them taking the photos, they wouldn’t look so good. I can only do so much in editing. You’re easy to photograph and KayKay took such good photos of you.”

“I’m not a particularly good model. KayKay’s just really good.”

“Give yourself some credit Luke,” Sierra says, smacking Luke on the arm. He blushes. 

“Where is KayKay anyway?”

“In the back. Why don’t you go see them?” Sierra says, going back to the laptop. Luke nods, rounding the counter and going behind the curtain. KayKay’s sitting at the table in the back on a computer. KayKay glances up at Luke and that’s when he notices the name badge. It has KayKay’s name on it, but under that is listed they/them. Luke stops.

“Hey Luke,” they say smiling, holding their hand out to Luke. Luke sits down next to them, looking down at the name badge.

“Hey KayKay. Sierra was just showing me the photos. Are the pronouns new?” Luke blurts out, questions running through his mind. 

“No. Some days are just more they days and today is one of them, so I put my pronouns on my nametag. No confusion that way.”

“What do you mean they days?” 

“I’m non-binary Luke. Sometimes I have days where I feel comfortable being a woman and some days I don’t feel gender connected at all.”

“I...I didn’t know about that,” Luke says, quietly. The words stick with him, something about the feeling about them sitting heavy in his chest. He can’t place what it is about what KayKay’s said that’s sticking with him, but he’s just on the edge of it as he stares at their face.

“Did you really not know I was non-binary?” 

“I guess I just never paid attention to some of the cues or the pronouns you two used or whatever. I feel so stupid now.” 

“If you had misgendered me, I would have said something.” 

“What does it mean?” 

“What does what mean?” 

“Being non-binary. What does it mean for you?” 

KayKay shrugs, pushing a strand of hair behind their ear. Luke tracks the movement, trying to focus on it, to stop the panic in his own chest that he can’t place. 

“I just don’t always feel right in my own body. Sometimes I wake up and I feel okay. I feel like this is who I am. That I’m a woman and it’s okay. That that’s how I want to present myself and be seen by the world as on those days. Some days I wake up and I know it’s not one of those days. I know it’s not going to be a day where I feel right with myself. I feel a disconnect from the person I am. Sometimes feeling right with myself means I don’t feel like a woman. I just feel like me, no gender attached. It changes how I present myself, how I want the world to see me. Sometimes I don’t want to be seen at all. I just want to exist without anyone labeling me or who I am. Some days I don’t mind the labels. Some days I’m indifferent. Some days it feels like I can’t handle it if someone gives me a gendered label and I have to correct them. Everyone’s different but that’s how I feel,” they say, smiling over at Luke, soft and slow. Luke swallows, feels his chest tighten a little bit. 

“Oh,” Luke whispers, wrinkling up his nose. A lot of what they’re saying feels a little too close to home for Luke. The feeling of unrest in their body, of not feeling connected to the image they’re putting on. How the idea of how other people’s perception was wrong to how they were feeling. It all feels too close to how Luke feels. The sense of unease on some days when interviewers would call them all boys. The fact that the lingerie and dresses blur the lines of who Luke is. That no matter how nice it is, seeing the look of want and desire on Ashton’s face when he sees what Luke’s wearing, it was never about that. It was always about Luke’s ability to breathe, the warmth in his chest, the feeling of security he got whenever he put it all on. It was always about how he felt like it was coming home, getting to see himself in the mirrors, see the delicate lines and soft angles, crying the illusion of softness and femininity to his body, the tightness easing when he sees himself in the mirrors. Luke thinks he might be crying, feels the pressure at the back of his eyes.

“Luke, have you really never thought about this before?” KayKay asks, voice soft. Luke turns to face them, sees the look of concern on their face. Luke just shakes his head, pressing his face into his crossed arms. He’s trying so hard not to cry, doesn’t want KayKay to see him like this, even if they’re his friend. He hates when anyone who isn’t Ashton sees him at his lowest. 

“I guess I didn’t want to. I had one teenage panic about my sexuality. I already had the crisis about wearing lingerie and the dresses and everything else. I have had so many fucking crisises. I’m supposed to be happy now, why can’t I just be happy with who I am,” Luke mumbles. He sniffs, trying to stop the tears from flowing. KayKay sighs, scooting closer till they’re pressed against Luke’s side. They wrap their arms around him in a pseudo hug, resting their head on top of his. 

“Luke, honey, describe to me again how you feel when you wear everything?”

“Happy. I feel so happy. I put the first pair of panties on and it just felt right. I haven’t fit right in my own body since I had my growth spurt when I got all broad and tall. I used to hate looking at myself because I felt too big and masculine and I just miss feeling delicate and it did that. It made me feel delicate and lovely and I felt like I could breath. And I have some days where just wearing them underneath my shirts and trousers are enough, where I feel masculine and that’s okay. But I have some days, where I have to wear it all. I have to put on the dress and the heels and I go out in all of it, where I want to deck myself out, I want to be as feminine as possible. I had someone call me Miss in the store once,” Luke says. KayKay hums. 

“How did you feel?” 

“About?” 

“Her perception of you.” 

Luke pauses, considering it. He hasn’t thought about the incident in months. It was one of the few days where he’s gotten dressed up and gone out in public without any of the guys and without going to Sierra and KayKay’s store. He’d woken up feeling itchy in his own skin, kept pulling on layers, the bra and panties not doing anything on their own. He’d had to put on a whole thing, long flowing summer dress and wedges, makeup to match, until he’d felt comfortable enough to look in the mirror. He’d gone to Ulta and ended up poking around the makeup until a sales associate had come over, called him Miss, asked if he needed anything. She’d asked for his name and without thinking he’d said Liz. He doesn’t know what made him say it, knows that even if he had said Luke no one would have cared, but something in the moment made him want to be feminine. He’s never told anyone this before, took the memory home with him. He never even told Ashton about it, the way the feeling of it had settled in his chest, having someone look at him and see feminine.

“It felt okay. Having someone see me and see feminine it just felt so good. I have to be Stage Luke all the time, that it just felt nice to have someone see me and not wonder. But I don’t feel female enough either, ” Luke says. 

“Maybe that’s what it means for you. For me, being non-binary means I have some days where I feel like a woman, like that’s who I am and some days where I just feel like I’m not, where I don’t feel connected to my gender at all. For you, maybe it means some days you feel more masculine and comfortable being a man and sometimes you don’t feel that way at all. Maybe some days you feel more feminine.” 

“Is that allowed?” 

“Luke sweetie, it’s you. It’s all about how you perceive yourself, what you think of yourself as. There’s no right way or wrong way to be non-binary. That’s the beauty of it. It’s all up to you,” Kaykay says. Luke rolls the words around in his head, thinking about them. Thinks about what it means to have a word to describe how he’s feeling, the sense of who he is. Luke’s never felt all the way “female” exactly, but he does have days where that feels closer to who he is than “male” does. 

“Is it?”

“It is. It’s all a personal experience. That’s the wonderful thing about personal gender experiences. They’re unique to each person,” KayKay says, smiling at Luke, squeezing his arm. Luke smiles at them, pressing his face into their shoulder. 

“I think today is one of those days for me. I woke up and I thought about what I wanted to wear today and the idea of anything masculine made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t feel comfortable until I went through my whole routine.”

“So maybe today is a they day,” KayKay says softly. Luke rolls the words around in his head.

“I think maybe it is. I think today I want to try it,” Luke says softly. KayKay nods. It’s different to think about, trying to wrap their head around it, but it feels good. Thinking about themselves like that, removing the idea of being one or the other and just existing. 

“I’m proud of you Lu. I’m here if you need anything,” KayKay says, kissing them on the temple. Luke smiles, turning to face KayKay.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime. Now, I heard there were photos to show you. Come on, let’s gush about how pretty you are,” KayKay says, pulling Luke to their feet. Luke grins. It feels right, something about it just feels right.

***

When Luke gets home, Ashton’s car is already in the driveway. Luke sits in the car for a bit, tapping their fingers against the steering wheel. They’ve been thinking about the conversation since talking to KayKay, how to talk to Ashton about it. Luke doesn’t know if it’s too soon or whatever to talk to Ashton about how they’re feeling, but Luke wants Ashton to know. They want Ashton to know they’re exploring themselves and what it means to Luke. Luke’s nervous about how Ashton’s going to respond to it, but it’s Ashton. Luke’s pretty sure there’s nothing they could really do to upset Ashton at this point, easy-going, loving Ashton.

Luke turns off the car engine, leaving the car and heading up the steps to their front door.

“Hey Ash,” Luke calls, coming through the front door. They hear the sounds of Petunia’s nails on the floor, rushing to the door to demand attention from Luke. Luke gladly gives it to her, dropping to their knees and cooing at her.

“In the kitchen darling,” Ashton calls. Luke scoops up Petunia, making their way through the house, finding Ashton at the kitchen table. He’s clicking around on his laptop, frowning.

“What’s up Ash?”

“Looking for tickets to Australia. Fucking complicated to find anything on short notice.”

“Not expensive?”

“We’re rockstars baby,” Ashton teases, looking up at Luke. He’s wearing his glasses, smiling enough that his dimples are showing. Luke giggles, setting Petunia down so that they can climb into Ash’s lap, press a kiss to his lips. Ashton returns the kiss happily, squeezing Luke’s hips, letting Luke sling their arms around Ashton’s shoulders.

“You look nice,” Ashton says.

“Thanks. Felt like a good day for it. Went to see Sierra and KayKay.”

“How was it?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Luke says, figuring it’s better to get it over with. Ashton furrows his brow, letting Luke settle into his lap before turning away from his computer to face him.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?”

“KayKay was talking to me about how they’re non-binary and I think I might be too. They were describing it and I just...I felt so connected to that. I don’t always feel right in my body. Sometimes I feel like Luke, like I’m okay in my own body, and sometimes I just don’t. I don’t feel quite female, but sometimes I just feel more feminine and that’s how I want the world to see me. I’m not sure what it all means, but I want to explore it.” 

“Oh Luke sweetie, of course you can. Whatever you need darling, I’m right here for you. Is today one of those days?”

“Yeah. I think it is. It just feels like it,” Luke says. Ashton nods, face open and understanding. Luke doesn’t have the words to keep describing how they’re feeling over and over again today, but Ashton’s easy acceptance and love feels good. It reminds Luke that they don’t have to figure everything out today, that they have time. They have time and they have the words to describe how they’re feeling and they have Ashton. Everything else will fall into place after that.

***

Luke waits a couple weeks before sitting down with Michael and Calum to talk about it. Luke spends the time between their revelation and sitting down to talk to the guys. It gives Luke some time to explore what their gender means for them, wrap their head around the words. KayKay is sweet about it, giving Luke answers and resources where they fail to have the answer. Between KayKay’s support and Ashton’s easy acceptance, it’s helped Luke figure out what they want to do. Luke’s still not sure how to come out to their family or even to their fans, but Luke knows that the only way to do that is to talk to Michael and Calum. Luke hasn’t come out to anyone except for Ashton yet. It feels right though, taking the first leap and telling the guys. Luke’s hoping that telling their closest friends will ease some of the tension and uncertainty of having to tell everyone else.

Ashton and Luke set up lunch with Michael and Calum, invited them over. It felt better, doing it in their own home, in a place of comfort. Luke’s nervous though, has been since they got up that morning, got dressed. Luke’s put on another sundress for the day, opting to blur their gender lines again, on a day where it feels the most appropriate. 

Michael and Calum showed up about an hour again, bringing some fruit salad with them to lunch. Luke’s been trying to work up the courage throughout all of lunch, find a way to work it naturally into the conversation. There hasn’t been a time yet and the longer Luke waits, the more nervous they get. Ashton’s been wonderful, pressed close to Luke and squeezing their thigh to comfort them. It’s just about the end of lunch when Luke finally finds a natural place in the conversation to finally bring it up.

“I have something to tell you guys,” Luke says when the conversation dies down.

“You’re leaving Ashton for Troye Sivan,” Michael says, tone teasing.

“I’m not...what is that the first person you think of?” Luke asks. Michael shrugs.

“You’ve decided to leave the band to become a mime,” Calum chimes in, grinning.

“Okay, I’m never letting either of you guess ever again,” Luke says, swatting at Ashton as he continues to laugh with Michael and Calum.

“Alright, alright what did you want to tell us?” Michael asks, when he finally stops. Luke frowns, lump in their throat. Ashton reaches over, squeezing their hand. 

“I’m non-binary. Everyone’s gender expression for identifying is different, but for me it means that someday I feel masculine and comfortable being Luke and being male. Somedays, I feel more feminine. I don’t want to be a woman necessarily, but I want to be seen as more feminine. I want to be less gendered,” Luke says, swallowing, chest tight. Michael reaches across the table, holding his hand out palm up, signaling for Luke to take his hand. Luke reaches out, letting Michael grab their hand and squeeze.

“What can we do for you?” Calum asks.

“Some days I want to use he/him pronouns and some days I want to use they/them pronouns. I’ll start telling you guys in the morning how I feel, especially if we’re doing interviews or public appearances, so I don’t get misgendered or have anyone refer to me with gendered words. I don’t want to change my name, I like Luke. I just want to adjust how the world perceives me. And I don’t know how to come out online or what to say to our management,” Luke says. 

“Fuck management. You gotta do what’s important for you. Say whatever you want online, we’ll back you up,” Michael says, all determination and indignation. 

“But what about our fans? Or the online response? I still have to worry about that,” Luke points out.

“Fuck them if they don’t want to respect you. I don’t need those fans,” Calum says. Luke swallows trying to blink back their tears. Michael and Calum leave their seats, wrapping Luke up in a hug and pressing soft kisses to their head. Luke knows it’s not that simple, can’t just say fuck it to what management will think or how their fanbase will respond. Luke knows it can’t be simple, coming out, expressing their gender publicly. Maybe the first step is for Luke to change their pronouns on their twitter and instagram bios, letting the world find out as they check their page. Getting to see the fan reaction that way would be incredible, pouring out support for them and letting them know how valid they are without having to make a big declaration about it. Luke knows it’s going to be interviews and explanations, trying to talk to people about who they are, but it’s nice. The easy love and acceptance from their friends, knowing that no matter what, they have Ashton and Michael and Calum on their side. The world’s a little brighter for Luke, getting to be themselves, getting to be happy, getting to do it all with their friends. Right here, wrapped up in the guys and their hug, the world feels brighter and full of love and possibilities. 

[sondepoch]

Part 2

Paramour (Diavolo x Reader)

You love Diavolo. And Diavolo loves you. But in the Devildom, relationships aren't as straightforward as that—and Diavolo being the future ruler of the Devildom certainly complicates things. So when you learn that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, a human, you're overjoyed. Yet, there are still issues. Big issues. Diavolo wants you to be his paramour—whatever that means. But you want to be his wife. And with each passing moment, it's beginning to feel like even love can't bridge the gap between your worlds.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | ✔

MASTERLIST

There were only two weeks left in the RAD student exchange program when Diavolo asked you to be his paramour. Thirteen days, when Barbatos had helped you move your things into Purgatory Hall.

By the time there were ten days remaining, the demon brothers—with the exception of Lucifer, who was still hesitant to be openly by your side in front of Diavolo—had thrown you a huge party (in Purgatory Hall, much to Luke's horror) and by the seven-day mark, you had taken the last of your final exams.

But these past four days have been beyond slow going without Diavolo by your side to make the time pass by.

You frown, memories of the demon flitting through your mind.

You never even had the chance to speak to him about your decision.

The man had walked into your room, mouth open and about to start a conversation, when he saw how bare the walls and dresser were. It took him less than a second to realize that you'd already prepared to leave, that you were abandoning him and his palace and his paramour situation behind.

Diavolo left the room before you could even open your mouth.

You sigh, a noise soft enough to have been carried away by the gentle breeze flowing through the courtyard, but Simeon hears it nonetheless.

"What's wrong, little lamb?" He asks, putting down the feathered pen he's using to write his report. Barbatos informed you that you're excused of yours, but the other exchange students still have to complete this final assignment before you all return to your respective realms.

"Nothing, Simeon." You glance away, not wanting to distract the angel. "You should continue working on your report."

The angel chuckles and moves his papers aside. "I have three more days before I leave. I'm sure I'll be able to find time to complete this later, so tell me what's on your mind, hm?"

You glance hesitantly at the angel. He already knows the full story: you'd spent nearly an hour in his arms as he consoled you while you cried over the stupidity of a paramour and how unfair the whole situation was. Simeon had agreed with you wholeheartedly back then, and hadn't pressed you for more details. But it's obvious he's aware of the lingering doubts in the back of your mind. No question, he knows that your strained relationship—your lack of a relationship, rather—with Diavolo is the cause of your distress. But it can't hurt to tell him the deeper truth, right?

"It's just..." You let your voice trail off. "I don't see how I can ever be as happy as I was with Diavolo with anyone else. I...it...it scares me, to think of what kind of life I'll be leading when I return to the human realm."

"I see," Simeon murmurs, eyebrows furrowed in thought.

"And it's not just that," You continue. "What do I do when I go back? I've missed out on an entire year of life with my friends, and I know that when I return, it'll be like nothing happened because of all the protective magic spells and stuff, but what do I do with these memories? Do I keep them? Do I forget them? Are my memories...are they meaningless now?"

"Hey." Simeon interrupts your rambling, a light frown present on his face for the first time. He places his hands on your shoulders in a delicate but firm grip and forces you to look at him. "Your memories of your time here are not meaningless. Never say that, little lamb. Never."

He pulls you in for a comforting hug, arms wrapping tight around you to protect you from your own thoughts. You relax in his arms. His embrace is almost as reassuring as a certain redhead demon lord, and it's easy to close your eyes and forget the difficulties that have been plaguing your mind.

"I'm sorry," You mumble. "I didn't mean it like that. None of you are meaningless to me, Simeon. I just..."

"You're worried." Simeon finishes your sentence. "You're worried about the future, and about how you're ever going to be this happy again."

You nod your head.

It hurts to hear it out loud, but Simeon has the truth of it.

Being in the Devildom has brought so much color into your life. Beyond constant near-death experiences with various demons trying to eat you and the boring studies you had to work on, meeting the angels and demons has shown you a new world altogether: one of magic, chaos, and thrill.

How will going back to the human world, to your humble little abode and your quiet little friends, ever compare to the experiences you've gone through here?

"My sweet little lamb," Simeon smiles. "Let me guarantee your happiness."

You raise an eyebrow at the angel. If those words came from any other man, you'd be running the other direction right now. But you trust Simeon, so you'll humor whatever idea is in his head.

But with his next words, it becomes apparent that the supposed 'little' idea in his head is bigger than you could have ever imagined; and just as effective, too.

"Let me take you to the Celestial Realm," He whispers into your ear. His eager emerald eyes never leave yours as he clasps your smaller hands in his own. "Let me take you to Michael. And when you return to the human realm, you'll return with an angel's blessing. Michael's Blessing. The blessing of eternal happiness."

***

Satan is growing concerned.

That's what the blonde claims, anyway.

"Goodness, Lucifer!" He exclaims at breakfast upon seeing Lucifer's furrowed brows. "I haven't seen you half this wrathful since that prank Mammon pulled four thousand years ago when he dyed your wings pink with the—"

"Quiet, Satan," Lucifer seethes. He's not in the mood for any of his brother's antics, not when this much rage is consuming him.

"I'm just saying," Satan murmurs, leaning back as he stabs into his breakfast with his fork. "The last time you were this angry, your wrath gave birth to me, and the last thing I want is another brother."

Lucifer scowls, pushing his chair back as he stands up and gets ready to leave for the day. His brothers love to taunt him, evidenced by Asmodeus joining in on the teasing with some remark about how scowls this intense would cause wrinkles, and the demon walked out of the breakfast hall to the sound of Mammon's laughter and Levi's LOLOLing.

On any other day, he'd reprimand his siblings and put them in their place.

But today, he's saving his wrath for a special someone.

He speed walks across the RAD campus, long legs taking him to his destination with more purpose and stride than he's ever carried before.

"Barbatos," He growls when the butler opens the door to Diavolo's castle.

"Lucifer," The demon greets plainly, a familiar, ever-knowing smile locked onto his face. The sight of such a smug look almost makes Lucifer lose control of himself before he stops, remembering the reason why he came here in the first place.

I'm here for Diavolo, he tells himself. Not to fight the godforsaken butler.

"How is Diavolo faring?" Lucifer asks, removing his coat. He begins walking to the prince's office, only to be stopped by Barbatos.

"Worse than usual, this morning. My lord has yet to leave his bedchambers, so unless you'd like to do his paperwork for him, I'd recommend you go there."

The future lord of the Devildom is moping around in bed at eleven in the morning on a Tuesday? Lucifer shakes his head. At this rate, he's never going to get better.

The demon knocks once at Diavolo's door, more to signify his presence than to actually ask for entry. He'd stopped doing that by the third day of MC's leave, when Diavolo had fallen too deep into despair to even respond to the ebony-haired demon's calls.

"Diavolo?" He murmurs, opening the door. He tries to keep the frustration out of his voice.

But the sight that greets him is strange, to say the least.

Pillows are thrown across the room, lamps shattered against the wall, the bedpost broken clean of the bed, the entire room privy to Diavolo's raw frustration at the situation before him. But all of that is akin to what the demon lord's room has been like on previous days.

This morning, though, in the center of it all stands a woman.

Lucifer stares at her for a moment, utterly confused as to who she is. He vaguely recognizes her, but from where?

"His wife," Barbatos clarifies from behind him. "Or future wife. She's been staying nearby ever since the proposal, and she stopped by to visit my lord last night. Upon learning of his...condition, she deduced that coming up here and consummating the marriage early might ease the prince of his current state."

"Well, it obviously didn't work." Lucifer crosses his arms in agitation, referring to the fact that she's fully clothed and clearly hasn't been touched since entering Diavolo's room. He gestures to the door in a motion for the she-demon to leave.

As she quietly walks out, though, Lucifer can't help but be relieved.

Lucifer knows how loyal his friend is, but the sight of a woman in his room still concerned him, upon first glance. If Diavolo had given her an heir, his whole situation with MC would truly be unsalvageable, the girl too human to think of his acts as anything other than infidelity.

The moment the door shuts, the tension in the room dissipates.

"Diavolo," Lucifer mumbles as he makes his way through the room, crossing his arms when he sees the unmoving stare of what had once been his proud friend.

"What." The sound comes out hoarse, more a word blurted than a real response, and Lucifer bends down to the eye level of his friend, who has still yet to even get out of bed.

Diavolo looks pitiful. Truly. Worse than each of the days before, but carrying the weight of them all the same. The demon's red locks seem darker, not as vibrant nor as soft as they normally look, instead having taken on the same cold, dead look as Diavolo's eyes.

And as Lucifer stares into the empty eyes of the man who was now deprived of his lover, words fail him.

He doesn't know what to say, where to begin, how to comfort this miserable demon.

The only person in all the realms who can do that is you, and the only way you would be returning is if Diavolo literally sacrifices millennia of Devildom tradition to wed you and make you his paramour in one—you, a woman who can't even yield him a biological heir.

Lucifer sighs, running a hand through his friend's hair.

"Go back to sleep," He advises, forgetting the reason why he had come here in the first place.

Slumber is the only peace he can see for his beloved friend.

***

Luke would be furious.

And tiny as the little angel is, you really don't want to ruin the remaining three days of your stay in the Devildom by yapping on about you being a bad influence on Simeon, which is why the two of you have to be overly secretive about sneaking out of Purgatory Hall.

"I think I'll retire early tonight," You say, standing up in the common room, reciting the line according to the plan you and Simeon had gone over in the evening. Perhaps you two were overthinking things, though, because neither Solomon nor Luke really reacts—both boys busying themselves with the completion of their own student exchange reports.

You cast the dark-skinned angel a glance as you walk out and make your way to your bedroom. A small part of you feels nervous. You've barely learned about the Celestial Realm, except for in your Angel Studies class. What if I embarrass myself in front of Michael? You wonder, beginning to pace. What if I embarrass Simeon?

"Little lamb?" Simeon calls, opening your door. He flashes you a warm smile when he sees you. "Wonderful, you're here. Are you ready to go?"

You give him a hesitant nod, and it takes less than a minute for him to open the window and the two of you to climb out.

"I love standing on the roof like this," Simeon informs you with a smile. He opens his arms up and spreads them, as if hugging the sky itself. "When I do this, I can feel every little breeze dancing through the night. Try it, little lamb, and close your eyes."

Wordlessly, you obey and shut your eyes, bringing your arms out. At first, it doesn't feel like much. In fact, all you can register is the light burn in your arms as you hold them for longer than you're used to—but then, you feel it.

It's quiet.

Subtle.

But it's there.

Your lips part as your bare arms begin to feel the breeze. The air moves gently, quietly, almost not at all. But the movement is there, and it fills your body up until it feels like you're flying higher and higher.

You let out a light laugh, about to open your eyes when Simeon's voice carries into your ears.

"Shh, little lamb," He murmurs. "Don't open your eyes."

And you're not sure if it's in that precise moment or a little later when you can feel the weightlessness of your own body, but you eventually realize that you're flying, soaring up, up, and up.

It's so much different from what you've experienced with demons.

No, in Diavolo's arms, flying was about the thrill of the ride: the wind fighting against your face as you cut through air where you didn't belong, every fiber of your being laughing and crying with joy as Diavolo flew you round and round.

But with Simeon, it's different.

It shouldn't even count as flying.

It's like gravity is pushing you away, urging you further and further into the sky like a balloon, except that you're not going to pop, and you're you.

And eventually, after the sensation becomes too much for you to bear in the darkness, you open your eyes.

You gasp.

"Tsk tsk." Simeon frowns, but his eyes are smiling. "What did I say about keeping your eyes closed?"

You don't bother humoring his question with a response, eyes glued to the sight beneath you. It's like another sky altogether, every single light in the Devildom a star on a black ground darker than night itself, truly a sight to behold. And when you finally pull your gaze high enough to look at Simeon, you realize that he is the real sight to behold.

"Y-your wings!" You exclaim, jaw slackened in pure awe of how divine the man looks. In his true form, Simeon looks even more stunning, his body radiating a soft glow as his snowy white wings spread out—two massive fliers majestic as they are untainted.

"Why would you ever ask me to close my eyes?" You ask, not understanding why the angel wouldn't want you to see such beautiful sights. Both the angel in front and the ground beneath you are more beautiful than anything you've laid your eyes upon in your entire life.

"I wanted you to see the Devildom lit up like this on the way down," Simeon chuckles. "Though I suppose it's only fair that you get to see it now."

You smile at the boy, before the new realization hits you—that you're flying on your own. Initially, you'd assumed that Simeon was the one pulling you up, lifting you into the sky by some invisible thread of divinity. But he's nearly three feet away from you as he continues to rise up, barely flapping his wings, so... "How am I flying?"

"The Blessing of an Angel," Simeon says with a grin. "You can collect blessings, little lamb. Each angel's blessing will manifest in a different form. My blessing is to bring people closer to their nature as an angel, and quite literally enables you to travel to the Celestial Realm. With wings."

With a single flap of his wings, Simeon brings his body behind yours, and you feel a hand begin to trace the outline of your back. Or at least, what feels like your back. You shudder as Simeon's fingers graze over a tender softness behind your body but on it all the same, and you just know that they're your wings. A single glance backward is enough to confirm it, the delicate whites nowhere near as majestic as Simeon's own figure but still stunning in their own right.

"Thank you," You murmur, following Simeon's lead as he instructs you on the ways of flight, teaching you how to use the new body parts. And then, before you know it, the two of you aren't just levitating upward but are truly flying, soaring through the skies straight into the heart of the Celestial Realm: an angel and a human, united in your journey above.

Not an hour later, you would repeat your gratitude to the archangel Michael as he offers you holy water to drink and rests his hand on your forehead, solemnly hearing out your request for his divine blessing.

And as you later crawl into bed, it strikes you just how much Simeon has managed to change in the short span of a few hours: you'd crawled out of your window as a mere heartbroken human. But returning, you carry Simeon's Blessing and Michael's Blessing: the blessing of holy flight and the blessing of eternal happiness.

And though nothing has truly happened with Diavolo to warrant such confident presumptions, you can't help but notice a quiet truth, before you finally give in to the temptations of Hypnos.

Indeed, your heart feels lighter.

***

Lucifer had saved you for last.

Simeon and Luke hadn't really needed much 'escorting,' given that all they had to do was spread their wings and fly to return to the Celestial Realm.

They'd been the first to depart.

Solomon had been the next one to go, bidding Asmodeus farewell in a suspicious promise to 'see each other soon' that concerned Lucifer, but he'd let it slide in lieu of getting rid of the shady sorcerer.

But that leaves you: the final exchange student.

And the time has finally come for you to go home.

He looks down at you, your face hesitant as your eyes widen in—what is the look on your face? Sadness? Fear? Anger? A mix of all things above?

"MC," He begins, the words feeling stiff as they come off his tongue. "I know that toward the end, things took a turn for the worse...but I truly did value your friendship in this year."

"And I, Lucifer." The demon relaxes when he sees you open your arms with a sheepish grin, eyes almost as shy and hesitant as the day he'd first met you. Lucifer doesn't waste a second in embracing you, pouring out of his arms all the feelings his pride would not permit him to vocalize.

I'm sorry, he tries to tell you. I'm sorry that things ended this way between you and Diavolo, especially when I know how happy you two were together. I'm sorry that I've had to take his side in this, and I'm sorry you were ever hurt.

And by the way you hug him back, squeezing his abdomen, it feels like you're telling him: I know.

"Is Diavolo not coming?" He hears you ask, tone wistful as you unbury your head from his chest.

Lucifer shakes his head softly, remembering how his friend had been even more unresponsive than usual this morning when asked if he would come to see you off.

"Mammon says he'll come visit," Lucifer remarks gently, trying to distract you. "Asmodeus and Beel, too. All of us will make time to visit you, in the end. You've been wonderful to have...we all feel that way."

Lucifer stresses that one word, trying to emphasize that he was speaking for the collective. For Diavolo. Even if the demon lord wouldn't be here to bid you farewell, Lucifer wants you to know that you've been precious to each and every one of them.

"Thank you, Luci." He hears you giggle, and for once, he doesn't even chastise you for using the nickname. "But it's time for me to go, isn't it?"

The demon sighs.

"It is."

"I'll miss you. All of you," You say, also emphasizing the word. The sentence means more than it seems. It's a quiet plea for Lucifer to tell Diavolo that, at the very least, your heart hasn't moved on.

"I'll be sure to let everyone know," The demon says, giving you just as cryptic a smile before wrapping you in a hug. He makes sure your eyes are closed as he turns into his demon form, summoning his powers to send you back.

At the back of his mind, he suspects that it won't be the last time he sees you. But no matter what instincts lie pooled in his gut, he can't shake the devastating sense of emptiness once you've vanished from his arms and vanished from the Devildom, returned to the human world.

It's where you belong, he tries to reason with himself. A human, among humans.

But deep inside, he knows the truth. And as much as he tries to deny it, his subconscious knows.

You belong with Diavolo.

***

The mark of the paramour is gone.

You remember, as Michael the Archangel had given you his blessing, that there'd been a searing pain in your stomach. Excruciating. Truly unlike anything you'd ever experienced before, though it was short enough.

Somehow, you've managed to pass weeks by without registering the lack of two black characters tainting your (s/c) abdomen, but as you stare at yourself in the mirror, you notice its absence.

Is this the 'eternal happiness' that Michael gave me? You scowl. In truth, you've yet to feel the effects of any revolutionary happiness. If anything, things have been worse than usual, these past few weeks.

"Damn it," You mutter, turning the lamp off. You don't want to see yourself in the mirror for a second longer.

You'd forced yourself out of bed to see the mark—to see the reminder that you once belonged to Diavolo, and he to you. You wanted to remember your time in the Devildom. You wanted proof that it was all real.

It doesn't matter that the characters on your stomach had proclaimed you a false lover, whatever that means. It was a connection to Diavolo. A contract, he had called it.

But even that little salvation has been stripped from you.

You choke back a sob, staring at your shriveled form. How long has it been since you left the Devildom?

Three weeks, says the calendar.

But without Simeon to cheer you up or the demon brothers to keep your mind occupied, it's felt like eons. Even your human friends have stopped visiting you, utterly unaware of the truth.

When you were surrounded by light and love and happiness, it was easy to tell yourself than you were healing from everything with Diavolo. But, looking back, you realize that you'd never been healing at all. No, even on the night you flew up to heaven with Simeon, you'd clung to the hope in your heart that Michael's Blessing of eternal happiness would somehow thrust you back into the arms of Diavolo.

But now I have no one to distract me, you think, staring at your hollowed cheeks. You haven't been eating as much, and it's showing. And I can't keep lying to myself that I'll ever end up with Diavolo.

You stare at your reflection, body seeming even more ghostly in the pale illumination of the moonlight as it streams in through your window.

You look dead.

And maybe, in some way, you are.

Can you ever love another as you loved Diavolo? It's impossible, you think, memories of your time with him beginning to stream through your mind.

Diavolo is a man unlike any other. Truly one of a kind, you think, remembering the very first time you'd expressed feelings for each other.

It was a Saturday when you first kissed him.

In fact, it had been Saturday the second time you kissed him as well, and probably the third and the fourth and the fifth times, until weeks later when two of you finally went public about your relationship.

But, in the beginning, Diavolo only saw you on Saturdays.

The man was committed to his plan of uniting the three realms, and he made every effort to make his precious exchange students feel welcome in the RAD. As far as you knew, he scheduled Solomon on Mondays, Simeon on Tuesdays, and Luke on Thursdays with the exceptional Friday—but you were the only one he saw over the weekend.

"Thank you for the tea, my lord." You smiled pleasantly at the man in front of you, wondering how someone so refined and gentle could possibly be a demon.

"Ah, how often must I say it? Drop the formalities, MC. Call me Diavolo!" He exclaimed with his usual ear-to-ear grin. It was a smile that always sent butterflies to your stomach, and you never failed to appreciate the little crinkle in his eye as he smiled at you from across the table.

"Of course, D-Diavolo." The name felt familiar on your tongue—you'd referred to him as such countless times in the presence of the demon brothers—but calling the future demon lord of the Devildom by his first name felt strangely personal as the two of you sat in his private garden, surrounded by flowers and sunshine, not even Barbatos present to intrude on your weekly meetings.

Well, they were called meetings. Diavolo treated them more as an opportunity for two old friends to catch up.

"So, how is school work going?" He asked, feigning interest in your performance at the academy. You knew it was just a ruse, though. Soon enough he would begin humoring his actual interests, asking questions about how you were liking your time in the House of Lamentation, what the family dynamic was like and, of course, there was always the one question he never failed to ask: whether any of you had managed to get a picture of Lucifer's sleeping face yet (and if so, to please forward the image to him).

The two of you eventually got caught up in the questions game, and soon enough, you had taken up his invitation to ask him things as well. It almost felt like the two of you were playing 20 Questions, and you told Diavolo as much.

"20 Questions? A human game? You must tell me how to play, MC." Diavolo's grin was expectant, and you quickly filled him in on the rules. Of course, as soon as he learned them, he decided that he wanted to play with you.

"You have to be truthful in this game?" Diavolo confirmed, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. "And you cannot refuse a question, no matter what?"

"Nope!" You exclaimed cheerily in response. By then, the anxiety you felt at being in front of not only the strongest man in the Devildom but clearly the hottest one had faded, and you were almost teasing in your responses. "Of course, you can always back out if you're afraid of playing, Diavolo."

You batted your eyes innocently at the demon lord, trying to corner him into playing. Your plan worked like a charm.

"As if!" Diavolo exclaimed dramatically, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms. He smiled confidently as he began the game. "I'll start. MC, how many objects did you help Mammon steal from my castle at the last feast?"

You felt your cheeks flush, not realizing that Diavolo had known about your assistance in Mammon's most recent attempts at thievery. The almost arrogant smirk on the man's face brought a response out of your mouth swiftly as you tried to put him back into his place.

"Three, but Lucifer made him put everything back. My turn: how did you know I helped Mammon steal from your castle?"

"Why, it was the first time he'd been successful in stealing anything from here. And there was only one thing that had changed," Diavolo winked. "You. And now, I'll go. What does the student body think of me, and the student council?"

The questions continued on like that, flirtatious undertones appearing every now and then, until the afternoon sun had gracefully rolled over Diavolo's castle into a sunset in the far west.

At the back of your mind, and probably his, too, you knew that you had long passed the concluding mark of twenty in this questions game, but you were too eager to value this rare, extra time with Diavolo to mention such a thing.

And it was then, right when the sun had dipped low enough to kiss the horizon and seemingly light up the ground and every petal in the garden, that Diavolo asked the question that would completely change the remainder of your stay in the Devildom.

"MC, if I asked you to kiss me, would you do it?"

For the first time in perhaps hours, you were silent. Your brain went blank at the prospect of laying your lips on the man you'd fantasized about, and you felt almost dumb as you stared at Diavolo.

After your flustered silence stretched into an awkward one, Diavolo apologized.

"I'm sorry, MC." He stood up, not meeting your eyes. "That was inappropriate of me. Very well, I'll see you next week for our—"

"Wait!" The prospect of losing your chance to kiss this stunning man spurred you into action. "I...I would! Kiss you, I mean. I would kiss you, if you asked."

Your cheeks were aflame, hotter than the setting sun itself as it outlined your body in a perfect silhouette that emphasized all your curves. You felt awkward as you stood in front of Diavolo, barely noticing the smirk spread across his face as he retook his seat, eyes fixated straight on you as you stood in front of him.

"I believe it's your turn to ask a question, then."

"Would..." You swallowed. "Would you do the same for me?"

The words felt stupid as they left your mouth. Stupid and childish and ridiculous. You should have said something better. Something flirtatious. Maybe something sexy? You cursed, hating how flustered the demon was making you feel, but his eventual answer reassured you.

"Yes," He hummed. "I absolutely would kiss you if you asked me to."

Your eyes widened at the answer, and you met his eyes for the first time since he asked you his embarrassing question.

"Do you like me?"

The sentence came out surprisingly clear, words of genuine curiosity and surprise as you asked your question. Diavolo, of course, was still a tease.

"Not your turn, darling," He said, using the playful nickname that would eventually become his most favorite term of endearment for you. "But I suppose I'd like to ask that. Do you like me, MC?"

Oh. Great.

If your cheeks were on fire before, now they were the molten lava-ridden depths of hell itself, burning hotter than anything you'd ever felt before. Diavolo smiled smugly as he placed a single finger under your chin, forcing you to look at him. Only then did you realize just how much larger he was than you—truly a demon, taller than any human had a right to be and more muscular all the same.

His figure enveloped yours as he pulled you closer to him, bringing your face just inches away from his own.

"Because I like you, MC."

And with those words, the last of your restraint vanished, and you leaned forward to capture his lips with your own.

The man responded in full, using his strong arms to ease you into his lap, settling his hands on your waist as he pressed your body into his while the two of you made out. It was a hot collide of tongue and lip and passion as the two of you released all the tension that had built up through the intermittent teasing remarks of your questions game. By the time you were both moderately settled down, the sun had set, revealing the stars above you two.

"A-ah," Diavolo stuttered, suddenly leaning back. "I'm sorry, MC. I don't know what came over me."

You didn't leave your position on his lap, though. Whatever hesitance that had been previously holding you back vanished once you knew Diavolo felt the same way about you.

"Don't be," You laughed, laying a kiss against his oh-so-defined jaw.

"You're bold," He chuckled, bringing up a hand to play with your hair.

"And you're bolder," You swiftly responded, still not having forgotten that Diavolo was the one who had initiated this all in the first place. You stopped at the corner of the demon's jaw, nibbling at the skin.

"A human and a demon have no place together," Diavolo murmured, chuckling as you ignored his words. "Much less, a human and the ruler of the Devildom."

But the moment he had finished his sentence, you'd silenced him with a trail of kisses that ended on his lips, whatever weak protest he had dying then and there as the two of you continued to indulge in each other.

Looking back, you should have taken his words as a sign.

A warning.

You stare at yourself, wondering numbly what Diavolo would think if he could see you now.

I need to move on, you tell yourself. Come on.

For the first time since your return, you force your hands to tend to yourself. Your needs. You take a shower, brush your teeth, force a meal into your queasy stomach, and even dress yourself up in one of your favorite outfits.

Yep, you approach this situation Asmodeus-style: by forcing love onto yourself.

And honestly, by the time you're all dolled up, you feel a little bit better. The ache in your heart hasn't faded, but at least you're no longer worn down by oily hair or ugly sweatpants that are two sizes too big for you.

You decide to go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Get ready to return to your life as a normal human, with the moon as your witness.

And when you step out into the night, you really do feel the stinging bite of the cold as it coils around you in the wind, completely different from the last time you were out bare in the night with Simeon.

But you force yourself to take one step forward, and then another, until you're walking. You need this. As you stroll down the streets, gazing mindlessly at the flickering street lamps above you, you remember a little nursery rhyme your mother had taught you: A clear mind and a clear heart, you'll soon be able to make a fresh start.

Will this walk give you the clear mind you seek? A small smile flits onto your face at the thought, and you close your eyes in a quiet attempt to meditate some of the fears in your mind away.

And only then, when you're trying to forget all the events of the Devildom and get back in touch with your human roots, do you remember another thing your mother had taught you: Never walk the streets alone at night.

"Hey there, cutie. Whatcha doin' out so late at night?"

You stiffen, realizing that you've grown far too used to being under the demon brothers' protection at the Devildom. Back there, someone had always been watching over you, from close or from afar.

But you're on your own here.

And it seems that you'd forgotten that.

"I'm going home," You respond stiffly, not even turning around as you continue walking forward. You increase your pace.

"You don't wanna stay and chat with me?" The voice asks, creepy as it is intimidating.

"Leave me alone."

Perhaps you should have gone with a more polite way to decline the presence of whatever man is behind you, because the moment the hostile words leave your mouth, you find that he's moved faster than you can process, practically shoving your face into a wall as he grips your two hands behind your back.

"You're feisty, aren'tcha?" The voice laughs, and you feel a hardness press against your back. No! You want to shout, knowing all-too-well what this man is about to do. You can smell the liquor on his breath, disgusting and heavy. You begin squirming and resisting even more, opening your mouth to scream only to be met with the feeling of metal on your stomach. "Scream an' I'll cut your li'l belly open."

Diavolo! You shout in your head, wanting him, needing him to come to your protection. You feel tears begin to run down your cheek as the man grips your thighs, hands slowly sliding closer and closer to where you'd only permitted Diavolo to go, when his weight is ripped off your body altogether.

You hear the sound of screaming, punching, kicking, and you can't bring yourself to turn around. "D-Dia—"

"Shh," Your savior cooes, at your side in an instant. And you know it's awful, but when you recognize the sound of Lucifer's voice instead of your lover's, that only makes you cry harder as you sob into the demon's chest, choking out "thank you for saving me" over and over again.

Lucifer consoles you awkwardly, petting your hair until your tears have ceased.

"MC, I need you to come with me."

You nod your head, standing up and expecting Lucifer to lead you back to your apartment. But just as when he sent you off to the human realm, he simply wraps his arms around you, and you feel the familiar wave of magic wash over your senses as you cross back into what can only be the Devildom.

"W-why did you bring me back?" You ask, when you realize where you are. You stand up, wanting to run out of the room, out of these bedchambers where you've spent so many nights and mornings with your lover.

Suddenly, all memories of what had just happened with the man in the alley dissipate, and the little progress you've made in trying to move on from Diavolo completely fades.

"Fix him," Lucifer says, voice flat. He nudges you forward, and you don't need to turn around to know that he's already used his magic to leave the room.

Carefully, you approach the pile of blankets that you're so used to being buried under, only to find your half of the bed empty.

And the other half filled.

Your eyes widen as your gaze takes in the sight of Diavolo.

He's sleeping, thank goodness. You can't imagine that he would ever want you to see him in such an utterly disheveled state: his hair is unkempt, knotted and tangled when you bring a shaky hand to run through the neglected locks. Dark circles have appeared under his eyes, and it's easy to understand why—even Diavolo's current state of sleep looks restless and miserable. A thin sheen of sweat lies over his forehead and his chest, making you wonder whether the man has been even remotely aware of his health, and perhaps worst of all, the expression on his face as he sleeps is utterly distressed.

Remembering how you'd looked when you stood in front of your mirror not one hour ago in the human realm, you feel tears pool in the corners of your eyes.

He looks just as awful as you did.

Your heart breaks, shattering when you realize that these past few weeks have taken their toll on him as much as they have on you. It takes all your strength to choke back a sob as you stare at what was once a proud and happy prince, now reduced to what can only be considered the very personification of misery.

You stare at Diavolo, Lucifer's words flashing through your mind.

Fix him, he had said.

But is such a thing even possible anymore? Your eyes glance over your lover—or should you call him ex-lover?—and out of respect to the memory of the man you loved, you look away.

The Diavolo on this bed is nothing of the demon you remember. He's in pain, in misery.

He's shattered to the core, more broken than even you.

MASTERLIST

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | ✔

Word count: 6.9k

Notes: Uh so there's definitely going to be a part 3 to this xD this part ended up being longer than planned sooo yeah >.> honestly, this whole part 2 was mostly setting up for the big conclusion in part 3 which is why there wasnt as much 1-on-1 action between MC and Diavolo (i really tried with that flashback T^T) but fear not :D All our thirst for daddy dia will be quenched in part 3!

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Next Update: 5/03/20

I do not own the rights to Obey Me! or any of the characters within it.

[waywardimpalawriter]

Hey luv! It's been a long time since we've talked! Hope you're doing fine!

Led astray

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x ReaderRating: PGWarnings: Angst, sadness, being bumped, anger, Seb’s a bit of an ass in this one, curse words Word count: 1,441Notes: Requested by the very lovely @chrisevansthedoritobastard I’m so very sorry it took me over a year to get this written out. But better late than never right? *looks hopeful* Hope you enjoy sweetie. The idea actually came from listening to the radio one very early morning. The local station has a segment called ‘2nd Date Update’ the rest as they say is history.  

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 @aquabrie @fandommaniacx  @supernaturallymarvellous  @smoothdogsgirl @becs-bunker

This story: @not-another-fangirl

You’d given it thought, rolled it over in your head for the last few days, asked friends, hell even your sister, all agreed that this idea would come back to bite you in the ass. But you just had, no needed to know and hopefully understand why he hadn’t returned your calls or texts. Sure the same old thoughts came to mind, he’s busy, sick, working or just plain dodging your calls. Enough is, enough you needed answers and this seemed to be the only way to get them.

Though now as you wait for the host to come back your nerves start to get the better of you making you pace the short distance between the kitchen island and stove. Cell pressed between your shoulder and ear, hands wringing like a wet washcloth, till a male voice comes back to the line.

“Good Tuesday morning to ya this is Jason Douglas joined by my cohorts Megan Wright and Michael Masters on 93Q country. It’s 6:45 just this side of the dawn, on a fine morning and we’re bringing you 2nd date update.” There’s a slight twang in his voice while speaking, flipping switches and taking a sip of his coffee. “Morning Y/N thank you for joining us this fabulous morning.”

Clearing your throat, “You’re welcome,” swallowing to try to coat your dry throat once more, “Thanks for having me.”

“So I hear you went on a date a few weeks ago and the guy hasn’t called you back?”

“Yeah, yes,” rolling your eyes at how stupid you sound thinking this may be the disaster everyone warned you about. “Sorry, I’m just a little nervous.”

“Don’t be, we’ve had many people call wanting help trying to find out why calls haven’t been returned. It’s only natural,” pops in Megan, voice bright and cheery for how early in the morning it is.

Nodding though no one can see, you’ve finally sat down on a barstool, cell in hand now. “I thought we’d hit it off, the conversation flowed, we laughed, shared things about each other.” Shaking your head not wanting the tears to come and clog your voice. Had you been wrong about him?

“Tell us more about your date and how the night went? Did he seem put out by how the date went? Had you done something to offend him or him, you?”

“NO,” the one-syllable comes out louder than intended laced with a small amount of anxiety. “I mean I don’t think so like I said it seemed to me the date went well. For my part I thought we hit it off from word go. It’s why I’m so confused as to why he hasn’t called me back.”

“Well alright then let’s get this settled and call up Sebastian,” flipping a few more switches, Jason brings up what he needs. “Now remember Y/N you’ll be listening in try not to say anything till I cue you. He won’t know until that moment so if you want answers, you’ll have to be patient.”

Nodding, realizing they couldn’t see you, your voice cracks as you answer, “Understood.”

“And we will get to that call right after a few words from our sponsors,” sitting back the three of them talk while you’re on hold hearing nothing but elevator music for almost two minutes.

Weather finished up and Jason comes back, “Time is now 6:55 and we have Sebastian on the line, welcome sir and good morning to you. I’ve got my cohosts, Megan and Michael with me.”

Both give him a welcome before Sebastian himself speaks, “Morning.”

“Do we have your permission to talk with you and ask a few questions? This is on air and being recorded of course so if you aren’t comfortable with that speak now or forever hold your peace.” a soft chuckle leaves his lips at the corny joke he makes.  

Puzzled and curious as to what the radio station could want, Sebastian gives consent knowing he might get in trouble with his agent and manager later for this. As there are no movies or TV shows to promote at the moment. So that little voice in the back of his mind keeps poking. Saying this could bring trouble to his door.

“Can I ask what this is about? I didn’t win anything did I? Especially since I didn’t enter,” he jokes seeing the confused looks from his friends beside him.

“Well, it seems there’s someone out there that thinks you’re amazing and wanted to let you know. Do you remember going on a date with someone a few weeks ago?”

Thinking over his schedule, everything he’s done in the past few weeks, he remembers one and wants to smack himself. “There’s one that comes to mind.”

“Y/N?”

Sighing, running a hand through his hair, Sebastian steps away from the group to make the call a little more private. “Yeah, that’s her.”

“You don’t sound so happy to hear the name, did something happen?” Megan chimes in.

All the while you’re listening to the conversation trying to keep yourself from interfering, wanting to have this answers to put this behind you.

“No, nothing happened; Y/N’s a sweet girl I just didn’t feel any sparks with her. The thing I regret the most is giving her so much hope by agreeing to the date.”

Shaking his head, Michael speaks, “I don’t follow you, dude.”

Not wanting to sound too harsh but knowing the truth is always better than a lie, “We met at a party one night, thought she was a nice girl that we could have chemistry, I was wrong. We talked on the phone for a couple of nights before agreeing to a date. In that time I learned from a friend of mine that she’s a very clingy person, needy and always wanting to be the center of attention.”

“What the f*ck,” you couldn’t hold back your tongue anymore and let slip a curse word that Jason told you wouldn’t be allowed. “I’m sorry Jason it slipped out.” Breathing deep to regain yourself, “If your friend told you all that about me then why did you even agree to the date you asshole.”

“Yeah sorry Sebastian, Y/N has been listening in the whole time we’ve been talking,” butting in to explain just making sure to bleep the curse word.

Shrugging to himself, “Thought it would be fun, you’re a sweet girl Y/N just not my type is all. Besides you did talk way more about yourself than I did, I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise.”

“That’s a lie Stan and you know it you jerk. Why make up stupid crap like this if all you truly wanted was a good fuck. That’s what it truly was about, man up and tell the truth.” Anger building now as you jump from the stool sending it backwards to pace the floor, “And here I thought you were a better man than that Sebastian Stan.”

“Whoa, whoa there is this true y’all had sex and what that wasn’t good enough for you Sebastian?” Megan asks wondering if they were talking to who she thinks it is.

“Listen she called my cell, no blew it up more like it with calls and texts, every half hour wanting to know when and where we’re going back out. I told her when she left that morning, things wouldn’t work,” trying to push the problem in your lap, making things your fault rather than his.

“You know what fuck you, Stan, your dick wasn’t big enough anyway to satisfy a goldfish,” done with the whole thing you don’t wait for any answers. Instead deciding to hang up on them, grab the pint of Ben and Jerry’s you stashed for times like this and headed to your bed to cry it out over Pretty Woman and other chick flick movies.

Clearing his throat to get the shock out, “Well then, I take it there will be no second date huh?” laughter clearly in his voice as he looks at his cohosts with a shake of his head. “I guess being an actor and trying to find love isn’t as easy as people would have you believe.”

“So not funny asshole,” hanging up Sebastian shakes his head going back to the main part of the gym to finish his workout and forget the stupid call even happened.

“You know they air that shit on the radio these days? Your fans are going to hear it,” one of his friends states a smirk on his lips.

“Who listens to radio anyway?” is his comeback while flipping his friends off to lift weights.

[keysszz]

Forced Smiles

A ROTTMNT Fanfic

He was supposed to be the happy turtle.

Energetic, lovable, and enthusiastic. That's what Mikey thought of himself as, and so did everyone else.

But lately... He didn't feel too happy.

He wasn't allowed to cry. He had to be happy. He had to come through for his brothers and help them when they were feeling down.

Take Donnie for example.

Whenever the softshell was in one of his moments, Mikey was always the first one to notice. He would comfort his brother and try to make him feel better, even if that meant he had to sit and hug him for hours while the genius cried. It usually ended with Donnie apologizing and a trip to the lab, Mikey beaming over the new inventions his brother had created.

Honestly, that's probably why their bond was so great.

Leo was different. He always tried to act like the cooler brother, so getting him to admit to his sadness was harder, but Mikey could always manage. He usually pulled out the Dr. Feelings card with him (most of the time it was for Donnie, but it was getting easier for the softshell to vent).

It usually ended with Leo crying, trying to hide his sorrows in his one-liners. If Leo was really in a bad state, Mikey would end up crying as well. It was getting easier for Leo to laugh it off in the end, something that Mikey had always envied.

And then there was Raph.

A big softy, something that the box turtle loved about his big brother. Whenever he was sad, he would always come to talk to Mikey. If he needed advice, a hug, a talk, you name it; Mikey was always there for him.

These talking fest ended with lots of crying, like buckets full. But in the end, it made Raph feel better, so who could complain?

Mikey though... Who came to comfort him?

Sure, when his brothers sensed that something was up, they always asked. But lately, it felt like they had become less observant.

Granted, Mikey was becoming better at masking his feelings.

He was probably around Donnie too much. The softshell could hide anything and act like everything was fine until something in him made him crack. That's why it was so easy to talk to Donnie, he related to him so much.

He didn't like to hide from his brothers, but it was becoming more of a frequent thing.

He'd hide his feelings from them all day, and when nighttime fell he'd cry in his room. Tears would fall like waterfalls as the box turtle sobbed, and he held onto his mouth to muffle the noise. If Mikey was lucky, he'd get at least five hours of sleep those nights, but now it was becoming less.

One time he couldn't wait for nighttime.

It was early on that Tuesday morning. Mikey had just started on making breakfast for his family, humming a soft tune as he cooked. Faint footsteps could be heard, and Mikey turned around to see his older purple brother.

"Hey, Dee!" Mikey beamed. "How's it going?"

"As good as it can get," Donnie answered as he stifled a yawn. Mikey frowned a bit; he could tell that his brother hadn't slept again. He always wondered how Donnie relied on coffee, whenever he tried it he usually just passed out from all the caffeine.

Maybe it's a Donnie thing, he thought to himself.

Smiling again, he started the coffee maker for his brother. Donnie sat at the table and scrolled through his phone, leaving only the faint sound of popping coming from the bacon.

Once the coffee was finished Mikey filled up Donnie's mug and handed it to him.

"How's the inventing going?" Mikey asked to break the silence.

"It's alright," Donnie answered. "Better than the last two nights, that's for sure."

"How long have you been working for?" Mikey questioned, keeping his gaze on the bacon.

"Forty-eight hours," Donnie said, though it didn't sound too confident. "I'm honestly not sure, I don't keep track anymore."

Mikey turned to the softshell and stared. He didn't have to say anything for Donnie to know that he was in trouble. Averting his eyes, Donnie looked back to his phone and chuckled nervously. He didn't want another lecture from Dr. Delicate Touch.

Mikey finished up on the food and placed it on the table, separating it for him and Donnie. Leo and Raph could fix their own meals, and judging by how early it was they wouldn't be down for a while.

"So, anything you wanna talk about?" Mikey asked as he finished his last piece of bacon.

"Not really," Donnie answered. "I think you got it all out of me last night with that session."

Mikey smiled lightly. He always knew Dr. Feelings would come through, he just never tried it out before the whole S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N fiasco. But know he knew it could work on just about anybody, even his father.

"Well, that's good," he chuckled.

"What about you?" Donnie asked. Mikey looked up from his plate for a brief second before looking back down. He could feel his face getting warmer by the second.

"What do you mean?" Mikey questioned with a smile. That had become a normal routine for him. None of his smiles felt real anymore, but it wasn't like his brothers noticed.

"Something about you just seems... Off," Donnie stated. He laughed softly as he shook his head. "You don't seem like your usual Mikey self."

"I'm always my Mikey self!" Mikey beamed. Masking his feelings had begun to get way easier, and he hated that. But if it led his family off of his case, then he'd do whatever it took.

Silence fell over the room as Donnie finished eating. Mikey went over to the sink to wash his plate, leaving the room as he finished.

"Hey Michael," Donnie called out. Mikey looked back at his brother and waited for him to continue.

"If you need to talk, we're here for you, ok?"

Mikey opened his mouth to say something but closed it quickly. He couldn't tell them the truth; not now, not ever. They just wouldn't understand.

So instead Mikey nodded his head with the biggest smile he could muster.

"Yeah, I know Donnie," he replied. He walked out of the kitchen with a sigh and headed to his room. Closing the door behind him, he decided to start drawing.

                                                          ~~~~~

He'd been in his room for hours now. No one came and checked in on him, and he was a little sad about that. Sure, they knew he could get intense when it came to drawing, but a little check-in never hurt anyone.

He was brought out of his thoughts by a sudden knock on his door. Without even turning around fully to answer, the door opened and Donnie walked in.

"Wow, you're not working?" Mikey asked. "That's a first."

"I do take breaks, Michael," Donnie chuckled. "No matter how much you guys think I don't."

Donnie pulled up a chair beside his box turtle brother and watched him draw. It was silent for a while, something that Mikey liked. He knew it was only a matter of time before Donnie asked if he was ok.

"Speaking of breaks, when's the last time you had one?" Donnie questioned with a smirk.

"I don't need a break," Mikey replied. "I'm almost done anyway."

"Uh-huh," Donnie chuckled. His face then turned serious as he looked at his brother.

"Mikey, what's on your mind?"

And there it is, Mikey groaned mentally.

"I don't know what you mean," Mikey smiled. "If you mean my drawing, then yeah, I have been thinking-"

"No, I mean... Something's bothering you, isn't it?" Donnie interrupted. "What is it?"

Mikey stared at Donnie's face. The softshell was looking back at him while frowning, trying to examine anything that he could find to figure out what was wrong with his younger brother. Mikey sighed as he looked in the other direction.

"It's nothing..." He said ad he stared at the wall.

"Mikey, I know that's a lie," Donnie said. Mikey could feel the tears start to well up in his eyes. Man, the wall looked real interesting at the moment.

"You can tell me what's wrong."

Sighing again, Mikey looked at his brother, the tears streaming down his face. Donnie stared in shook as he frowned, not knowing what triggered the waterworks.

"I'm supposed to be the happy one," Mikey said quietly. "I can't get sad..."

"Who told you that?" Donnie asked.

"No one, but it's true," Mikey answered. "I have to be happy when everyone else is down, I have to look on the bright side. I have to do what no one else can do in times of pain; smile."

Donnie's frown only deepened as Mikey continued.

"It's hard... To be happy I mean. There's only much that I can take. When you guys are sad, I comfort you. But no one's there to help me."

"What do you mean?" Donnie questioned.

"I mean in the way I need," Mikey replied. "You guys have Dr. Feelings, I don't. It gets hard to comfort yourself with your alter ego."

Wiping his tears he looked in the other direction, scared of what Donnie would say.

"I get it," Donnie replied. "And I know that's shocking since feelings are the one thing I hate."

He heard Mikey chuckle a little and he smiled as he continued.

"But we are here for you Mikey, even if we don't understand everything you go through."

Mikey turned and smiled softly at his brother. Donnie opened out his arms and Mikey hesitated, looking at his brother with a confused look.

"A hug?" He asked. "Since when are you touchy?"

"I can make an exception," Donnie smiled. "Now do it before I change my mind."

Mikey leaned into his brother's arms and hugged him back, the tears slowly coming back to him. He sobbed as he leaned into Donnie's embrace, crying onto the softshell's plastron.

After a couple of minutes, he stopped crying.

"Now, doesn't that feel better?" Donnie asked with a smile. When he didn't get an answer, he raised an eyebrow as he looked down at his brother. He chuckled as he saw that Mikey was fast asleep.

"Guess you haven't been sleeping either," Donnie said out loud. "You know, I didn't want to sit here all day Michael."

Knowing that he wouldn't get a response, he smiled as he glanced around the room. Maybe he could make something for Mikey to help him sleep. That, and he should spend more time with him. The two were already inseparable, but the way the box turtle was feeling showed he needed more love than ever at the moment.

That wasn't too hard to do though, the genius already had things in mind.

[himbo-buckley]

Sex, Intimacy and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 5

Hej alla,

hur cool att du är här! Vad kul!

(Kay, that’s it, all the Swedish I remember from two semesters of not really studying, so it’s probably also wrong, uups?)

(Still passed though.)

You guys! We made it! And please, do not imagine this read to you in a happy voice. I am sobbing. I already miss it!

(Also, if you do imagine how I might sound please consider due to several unforseeable circumstances of student exchanges in my youth I have a very weird mixture of British and American English, which basically translates to sounding like either of those doing a bad impression of the other accent - or you know, Australian.)

I’m really having a hard time finishing this meta because I loved doing it so much and I loved talking to all of ya’ll so much. This is a sad moment. (HEY, what if ya’ll came and visited my askbox and I get to discuss random stuff with you!)

Just a fair warning now, somewhere hidden in the middle: this thing is fucking long! We are talking longer than Season 2, so be warned!

Anyways, in case someone is new:

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

And some general info:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta has FIVE parts. Season 1 and 2 make up one part each, while Season 3, due to something pesky called feelings and the fact that I can’t shut up, has been split in three parts: Part 3 aka Season 3A, which spans 3.01 - 3.10, Part 4 which spans 3.11 - 3.17 and this part which is officially only one episode - but still manages to be just as long. Yay! (Sorry.)

And now for the last time for now: part 5 (also called „You’re a godless, half-witted himbo, Evan Buckley, and I wish I loved you less so I could talk about it more“)

Episode 3.18:

My oh my, this episode.

I loved it but I also … didn’t.

It was way too much and at times felt a little rushed and the pacing was just weird.

I mean I loved the party but did we really need 5 min of it? Did we really need Josh’s storyline and Michael’s so randomly in the middle of the episode? Could we have gotten a longer apology scene? Why the weird phone call?

Let’s talks about all of that! (It’s why you clicked read more, right?)

Ya’ll, I gotta be honest, I am from Europe and I regularly go to places via train and while it’s better than a bus, I can’t see anyone falling in love with that! I am just gonna assume Abby did not go by train in Germany. Or Austria. Or Italy. Listen, I like trains just fine but man, do they not look like what we see here!

But also, as someone who has watched Community, the train lady saying „This isn’t Subway“ in an Episode where the human embodiment of Subway acts is very very funny to me.

I feel like I don’t have to point out how significant the cut from Abby saying „They stopped waiting for me a long time ago“ to Buck and Eddie discussing Chris is. Everyone has talked about it by now. But yes, it registered, as did the fact that Abby is dating a single father - while Buck is apparently basically dating a single father. But, you know, that probably means nothing! *chugs a whole bottle of wine*

The co-parenting was very cute and honestly I feel for Christopher and Carla and the firefam is Buddie does happen because they will try to out-protect each other and it will be glorious and also Chris might never get to leave the nest ever. That poor boy.

Sidenote: We as a fandom have not talked enough about Eddie’s reaction to Bobby yodelling and I think that’s very tragic of us. Because his reaction is the best, all: „Is he - should I - no, you know what, fuck it, Eddie, ignore this, that’s too much, you can not unpack all of this, just move on. Brush it off!“

Just watch his face ya’ll, it’s great! (He will be talking to Frank about this, I know it.)

Sidenote: Also Eddie in 3.15 / 3.15. / 3.17 / 3.18 > any other Eddie, and no, I do not take criticism. That boy has always been fine but the military hair cut or what ever is doing things to me as do his happy eyes and the smiles - my god, the smiles!

It does seem significant though the way the show focused so heavily on Buck’s reaction and - as it had been the case since „Eddie Begins“ - we basically don’t see Eddie without Buck and that’s weird. That feels pointed and important, the fact that after realising, who his family is, Eddie basically never leaves Buck’s side if they are at work.

Also the way Chimney and Bobby look at each other in between, yeah, again, making fun of Christopher’s dads! Like, even if you don’t read this as Buddie, you cannot not read this scene as somewhat confirming the „Buck is Christopher’s other parent“-thing. And I know I answered an ask on Tuesday(?) where I said he wasn’t really but yeah, he is getting there. The whole season spent a lot of time focusing on Buck’s relationship with Christopher and even if it isn’t about Buddie, I still think it will cause trouble in Season 4 if Eddie begins dating again, specifically Chris’ teacher.

I also need to talk about Eddie and control, because like I said in part 4 Eddie needs to learn to let go of Christopher a little which is what we see here happening, specifically through the lens of making Buck even more overprotective than Eddie to really cement the fact in all our minds that Eddie is trying to let his son have some freedom. I am so proud of him, you guys! He just signed up for the worst two weeks of his life, he will be dying on the inside out of concern and Buck will pester him every two seconds about whether or not Chris is fine. This is why these three haven’t been to Disneyland, ya’ll! Eddie wouldn’t be able to handle it without murdering either Buck or himself. I’m sorry.

And speaking of how the episode is cut:

One thing I love about 911 is the way it always makes me consider new character pairings and connections I myself would have never thought of, in the context of this episode: Athena, Josh - and Eddie.

And look, the Athena and Josh thing is daunting enough but you can probably still catch my train of thought, because both are recent victims of assault and the episode shows them dealing with trauma and confronting their attacker, even though in Athena’s case it was just theoretical. But now you’re probably wondering, okay, why Eddie?

Well, for starters, what the episode made me realise, whether on purpose on not through cutting from scene to scene is how many similarities there are between Eddie and Athena, both of them always trying to be in control, both of them more prone to violence / more okay with violence than the others, both soft underneath, both with a tendency to let anger take over, both considered to be extremely capable, both with an intense need for control, both straight talker.

And now I will obviously not pretend that letting your child go to sleep away camp for two weeks is similar too confronting your assailant who beat you up, but still: facing fears and letting go of control vs. finding different ways to regain control is the theme for these three in the episode (or this Season in Eddie’s case) and I like it.

I really like what they did with Athena in general in this episode, because, while I don’t think we will see her as a civilian in Season 4, I am confident they will address her trauma and PTSD - especially if they only do a short time jump of say three months and not jump all the way to January / February which is when it might air if we’re lucky.

And I do think the comparison between her and Josh is very nicely done as both characters did the whole brushing it off / moving forward / I am not fazed by any of it thing, as we as viewers clearly saw what utter bullshit this was.

Which of course connects nicely to Mr. „Brush it off and move on“ who has spent a whole season learning to not just move on but to talk about it. A lesson he might have learned? At least that’s what the episode made me think, from the way he came to Buck / the firefam to talk about Christopher and camp to the way he so clearly tried to get Buck to open up about Abby. Jup, that is some motherforking growth right there!

I also wanna say hi to Brooke Shields and say I hope we see her again, cause her character seemed interesting!

And I do appreciate Athena herself addressing the fact that she messed up a little by not calling for back-up right away. This is not meant in a victim blaming way, I just think Athena is very used to handling everything on her own and not asking for help and it is interesting to see how that changes, now that it has backfired on her once.

And now we are getting into the Abby of it all and if anyone reading this is anti Buddie or severely pro Abby this is the moment to either leave or scroll down some more, because ya’ll I won’t really hold back!

(I think.)

I wanna begin by saying, uhm, Abigail, honey? Can you not read what is written on Eddie’s and everyone else’s helmets? Yes, he is from the 118, it literally says so on like every article of clothing he is wearing, omg!

(Writers, do better, that made an already unlikeable character seem downright stupid.)

Now it is very interesting, that the first person we see Abby interact with directly from the main cast (I’m counting the phone call with Maddie as indirectly) is Eddie who doesn’t know who Abby is but who is close enough to Buck to know the second he sees her who she is. The episode spends just as much time focusing on his reaction to Abby as 3.15 did on Buck’s reaction and tbh that feels … fairly non platonic. Of course we can always go back to „Stuck“ and remember what Hen said about Tatiana but still. That was one scene, here we have several scenes highlighting Eddie’s reaction to Abby and just, what do you want me to do with this, Tim?

I mean, the meeting scene literally goes like this:

Eddie *talking to Abby* > cut to Buck, coming closer > Buck: „Abby?“ > cut to both Abby and *Eddie* > Abby: „Buck?“ while the camera is still on her and Eddie > cut to just Eddie’s face having a realisation > cut to Buck

That is some very extreme focus if we’re being honest.

Also her panic reminds everyone of Buck in 3.15, right? The way she is screaming, disregarding her own safety, all desperate to get to her fiancé. Yeah.

I like how Eddie lets them talk and then steps in when he realises Buck is too shocked and only then rushes off, nearly touching Buck. Too be honest I didn’t realise his hand didn’t make contact until I saw some gifs of the scene.

Also the way Oliver plays this scene? The whole scene is so painful and I love it a lot, his whole delivery is so very painful, from the way he says „We’ll find him.“ to the „Um, what’s his name?“ to the „No. Oh. Don’t worry about it.“ because you can actually see him go through all the emotions from devastation to being so very pissed off and then locking that shit down!

Listen, I know it was teased that Buck had to grapple between being a professional and his personal feelings and I think this episode is him being a professional, because this is Buck and Buck cares so for Buck being a professional means risking his life for some guy on the train, regardless of his promise and who he is engaged to.  

Sidenote: This episode really brought home why Eddie is a firefighter and not a paramedic, because his bedside manner is shit. „This is gonna hurt a little“. Way to downplay, dude!

Also, while I do love the idea of Buck getting to be Captain one day, I think this episode shows why he won’t be. Because even when he is being professional and having great ideas Buck still cares too much and is unable to make the hard decisions. Compare it to Eddie, who, yes, does say „If we have to choose“, but also is willing to make the choice. Because sometimes you have to. (And now I’m crying a little and oh my, this is why I do not work in any job that has me make such decisions because I could not imagine living with myself if I did.)

I do think however Buck did good, from the way he talked to Sam being his usual self and all.

I’m also such a fan of smart Buck and him standing up for himself with Bobby because he doesn’t get to do this often enough and because it is important for him as a character to learn to trust his own judgement and not depend so much on Bobby’s approval. So yay, my baby is growing up!

(Also, obviously Bobby’s worry was also about Buck and not just Athena, we’ve had half a season of Bobby doing the most to „protect“ Buck, mostly against his will, so I really like that Buck got to do the rescue his way in the end, because it shows growth on both sides.)

Now, Eddie and his dramatic reaction in this scene, first of all:

I wanna take a moment to remember the fact that Edmundo Diaz, my main man, my love, my absolute ray of grey sunshine, apparently lacks any kind of self-awareness - or he would stop acting all high and mighty around Buck because the second Buck is out of view he like, drops any pre-tense of having critical thinking skills or something akin to self-preservation and does the next thing that enters his bird brain no matter the consequences. So a moment of silence for Hen, Chimney and Bobby and all they had to go through in the 6/7 months between Buck getting crushed by a ladder truck and coming back to work, because Buck? They can at least make fun of. Or tell him: yo, bro, you being stupid!

You can’t do that with Eddie - because when Eddie does stupid he gone nearly die but like in a heroic way where he still ends up saving himself and you have to be impressed. Urgh, the nerve!

So, you know what, how about, Mr. Edmundo Diaz, you do not judge Buck for wanting to save people and risk his own life UNTIL WE HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU CUTTING THAT MOTHERFORKING ROPE? Got me? Thanks. (I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, dude.)

(But then again EVERY MOTHERFORKING CHARACTER ON THIS DAMN SHOW SUFFERS FROM CRAZY STUPID DISEASE and no, I do not take any criticism.)

Also I loved Eddie’s dialog and how clearly the whole thing about the promise slipped out if the way his hands closed are anything to go by (or was he imagining punching some sense either into himself or Buck because in both cases: Call Frank, Eddie!). Anyway the way he just left, like, „I can not deal with ya’ll’s stupidity, I am leaving!“ has me shook! That is the top tear entertainment I expect from my favourite show and I love them for it!

I do love how both Buck and Eddie are in protector mode in this episode, Buck with Sam and Abby and Eddie with Buck, especially because if we’re being honest, which we are (this is a safe space ya’ll), Eddie is the one being far more unprofessional! For his standards, of course.

But this is the closest Eddie has come to showing some form of violence since 3a viewed chronologically (because 3.15 happened mostly in the past) yet Buck is just being is usual too caring self. It’s telling and it’s interesting and I’m just gonna say one thing:

„No one is good when it’s personal.“ - because for Buck with Sam it isn’t really personal (though that won’t hit him until later) but for Eddie it kinda is because he is worried about Buck. (And now I did spell it out! But, oh well, I did say we were gonna do some Buddie right around here!)

Sidenote: what exactly was the meaning / reason of that phone call between Abby and her stepdaughter? We already knew Sam had children and from the was she was looking outside they could have had her just see Buck and step out of the tent to watch the rescue, so why do it this way I ask? Why this incredibly unnecessary phone call that felt so very awkward?

Also I am not gonna talk about that scene right now, because I get mad every single time!

So I will just leave a link to what I’ve said about this scene so far here *and* give you the notes I took on this scene:

ALWAYS READY TO DIE

godless heathen of a man he makes me so angry i hate him i hate this show I wanna leave

EVAN BUCKLEY LOOKS GOD IN THE EYES AND SAYS NAH BRO NOT TODAY

(It’s not like his suicidal tendencies are relevant to this meta anyways because like I said a few paragraphs ago: The whole firefam has them! )

Also, for the first time ever: here is a picture I took while watching the show because what are these two extras doing? Why are they touching like that? Who are they and will we see them again? Does my brain get easily distracted by completely unrelated things?

Anyways, the way Buck answers Sam „She’s down there waiting for you.“ when he asks for Abby and his „Good to meet you Sam.“ really brings home how none of his behaviour was about Abby and all about Buck being Buck. (And now I am angry at him again, urgh, THE NERVE! Selfless fucking himbo!)

I really liked that Sam knew who Buck was and that they got to have this little interaction where he probably reevaluated the whole night because that boy just risked his life for him, the guy marrying his ex-girlfriend, and has spent the whole night being so very nice to him and talking to him. Not gonna lie, Buck is a good guy through and through and Sam probably feels like shit now.

Also Eddie coming to stand in front of Buck - I know some people think it was out of protectiveness, which got me thinking:

Tbh at first I was convinced it was a camera angle thing? Because if Eddie stood behind Buck we wouldn’t really see him. Then I thought, so why choose this angle to film it? Obviously the set had to be built a certain way so was there no other way to do it? Also why was it even important, that we saw Eddie arrive like that, couldn’t they have just changed the angle after Abby was gone to get Eddie in the frame? Why was it important that we knew that Eddie was there and 1) was putting himself physically between Abby and Buck meaning 2) that when Abby leaves with her single father, Buck is left with his single father? Why does an episode that is supposed to give Buck closure focus so much on the reactions of his non romantic partner?

(Because tbh, even if they needed to find ways to use Ryan Guzman in this Episode without adding too many scenes, they could have done it with less focus on Abby. I say this as a Buddie shipper who does recognise how important the connection Buck and Eddie have as friends is: storyline wise Bobby would have made more sense in most of these scenes and Eddie could have been used in a different way.)

I’ll leave this scene with the very nice visual of Buck running back to the traincrash and Eddie following him. These two. Like magnets.

And a quick topic change, because I do wanna talk about Michael and Doctor Hale as well in this meta, one because I found them very cute and two because I’ve now talked to a few people about Ana and Eddie and while we by now know she will probably be in Season 4, I feel like we need to compare Michael and Doctor Hale vs Eddie and Ana. Because there is such a difference in the way these love interests where introduced.

Now, of course we need to realise that Eddie and Michael are fairly different characters and Michael has way less relationship related baggage than Eddie has which is why he goes after what he wants way faster (also, carpe diem, he just found out he won’t die). Also of course, there is no moral component to address in Michael dating some doctor vs. Eddie dating his son’s teacher, but still:

Michael and Dr. Hale had one scene together and it wasn’t even overly flirty and yet, we knew where it was heading, we felt the chemistry and everyone ended the episode saying: I ship it, more of that - which they did give us, just *one* episode later. They had some awkward moments, yet the show never left a single doubt in your mind where this is heading.

Now look at Eddie and Ana:

Sidenote: I do wanna say be kind to the character and no hate, especially not to the actress! Yes, she needs to be flashed out more; no, what we saw so far does not make me ship them; no, I do not mind if they dated a little.

First of all we learned more about Doctor Hale in the two short scenes than we did about Ana in four scenes. That seems deliberate.

Second, while we do realise Eddie thinks Ana is attractive from the get go she repeatedly shuts him down by pointedly saying „Mr. Diaz“.

Third, every scene between them - and I mean every single scene - is connected to Buck in some way:

In „Fools“ we cut from Buck saying he likes being single to Eddie doing parent-teacher conference and yes, meeting some other teachers first but also Ana, showing us that while Buck is fine with being single - Eddie might not be. Also, Carla’s „blue eyes“ line which is a little clown-y, so take it with a grain of salt that it could connect us to Buck

Then of course her next scene is Eddie getting in her face about Christopher being hurt. Later in the episode we see Buck reference this on a call, meaning either Carla or Eddie told Buck about it (I am leaning a little toward Carla making fun of Eddie in front of Buck and Eddie then having to come clean about all of it, because I cannot wrap my head about the idea of Eddie telling Buck about having a crush, I’m sorry.)

Her next scene is Eddie coming to apologise to her and she gives her speech about limitations - which we can of course connect to Buck and Eddie talking about Christopher and his limitations before that and then afterwards going skateboarding with them. (It does feel a little deliberate.)

And then of course we have „Eddie Begins“ and you guys, they could have very very easily have either Carla or Buck make a joke about Mrs. Flores and Eddie’s crush in the firehouse scene, but they didn’t! And then we do get to see her at the end where she has one whole line and Eddie barely looks at her and you know what happens? They have a child ask the same question Buck asked at the beginning, making us think of Buck. Like, it would have been enough to establish Eddie doesn’t feel like a hero if the question was asked only once - twice in the span of 45 minutes constitutes a callback, meaning we are supposed to think of the other scene and that means thinking about the other person that asked, which was Buck

And yes, once Season 4 premieres and we get Eddie and Ana in this epic romance because Tim Minear wants to be the next Rick Berman, I will go back to this meta and beat my own ass. Or something.

(Listen, her returning in Season 4 does not mean endgame or the end of Buddie, it just means Eddie might get a love interest. Tbh I actually think it could get us closer to Buddie and you know what, I’m just gonna link all my Ana Flores posts here here and here now so you can read all the other stuff I, alongside some other people, said on this topic, if you’re interested because none of this has a point right now.)

Now, let’s get into the meat of things and talk about *that* scene:

Was it a good apology? No.

Did Buck deserve better? Fuck yes.

Did he get closure? Yes.

Is the way that scene was done actually perfect? I mean, ya’ll, yes? A little?

Listen, this scene was always about closure and that’s what Buck got here and that’s what Buck needed.

Buck, who in Season 1 had described Abby as the perfect woman, needed it to go down like this so he could realise she wasn’t and he could finally let her go. And that’s what it was about!

Obviously looking at Abby’s character this episode does not make her look good, like not at all and I’d be very surprised if we ever saw her again. But looking at it from Buck’s point of view it was exactly what he needed. (Not what he deserved, but yeah, if this show was about what Buck deserved it would be a whole lot different and Buddie would be canon by now.)

One thing I really loved about the scene was the way it was filmed, with LA in front of us, Abby and Buck with their backs to the camera and us only ever seeing them in profile, because it was a  private moment and this sort of made you feel like you were intruding. Like you were listening in on a conversation and I liked that a lot.

Also I think her speech about losing herself through helping people is very interesting because it contrasts her to Buck. Buck found himself in helping others and lost himself when he was no longer allowed to do that and I think that is what she means when she says she would have lost herself with him again. Because Buck is selfless and he is so selfless he inspires others to be the same, except Abby isn’t but being with Buck she would need to be and that is a problem.

Look, if you’ve followed this blog at all or maybe just read part one of the meta you have probably guessed by now that I don’t like Abby. I found her character boring. I thought she overstepped all the time. I got so mad at her for the way she treated Buck in Season 1!

Because in 1.06 she *actually* complains about him being too thoughtful and scared of messing up while calling him a *toy boy*. The truth is, after 1.05 and their first meeting, Abby no longer takes him seriously. She hardly ever takes his feelings into consideration. The relationship, from Valentines Day onward becomes all about what she wants and what she needs and our Buck is the selfless idiot who gives her his all.

I mean, she never even talked to Buck about wanting to leave, just presented him with her decision and then lived her life and never thought about him again.

And like, I think she is wrong if she thinks she’d have lost herself with him again, because Buck was what showed her that she lost herself in the first place. He helped her on the path of self-aquaintance (I guess? I’m lacking the word here), but she is right if she means the relationship wouldn’t have worked.

Because one of them would have lost themselves, though I do think it would have been Buck and not Abby. After all, Buck was the one who gave everything up from the get go and yes, Abby helped trigger him finding himself alongside Bobby and the job and she did help him stay on that path in the beginning - but in the end it was never about her at all. It was about him and him alone and the amazing person he had always been.

And I think that is what Buck realises in the scene. Despite Abby ghosting him, he still looked at her through rose coloured glasses and with fondness, but here, he realises, oh, Abby isn’t perfect. Abby isn’t like the woman I made her out to be. Abby never really cared about me. And as much as that probably hurt, this is what Buck needed to let go of her!

He needed to see that Abby wasn’t the perfect woman so he could let her go - and find himself the perfect person, someone who reciprocates and doesn’t just take. (Am I crying?)

(And look, I am not saying he already found someone like that, someone who proved in this episode how much they care about Buck and his feelings and making sure he comes home every night to his family - I’m saying he found someone who is working on being that person!)

Let’s talk about Eddie and Abby for a second, again, okay?

(Bro, how did I just get to that topic? So random! *laughs in Buddie*)

When I watched the episode my second time to take notes, I wrote one that said ‚Abby and Eddie parallels / lawsuit‘ - and I gotta be honest I barely remember what I meant. But I did still produce some thoughts (just not sure if that was where I was going with the note, so if anyone has some other ideas, please share):

You know how Abby talks about losing herself when she is with Buck? Well, I know someone who lost themselves just this season because he wasn’t with Buck! (Jup, we’re back with the lawsuit, ya’ll really thought I wouldn’t bring this up? You guys! More than 20000 words and you still don’t know me!)

It’s a very nice parallel to have Abby talking about losing herself with Buck when we saw Eddie losing himself without Buck. Because while I think Eddie himself is a selfless person just like Buck, similar to how Buck needed Abby in Season 1 as a catalyst of change so to speak, Buck was the catalyst of change for Eddie.

I talked a lot in the other parts about Eddie having problems with voicing his needs and feelings - and now please once again look at his relationship with Buck. Because here he has been doing this, not from the get go of course, Eddie didn’t take one look at Buck and his whole life was turned upside down (that was Buck looking at Eddie), but I think Buck steamrolling through Eddie’s life helped Eddie find himself. Buck, from the get go, is a calm centre for Eddie, an anchor, even after he reconnects with Shannon. Buck is who he turns to in a crisis, who he trusts with his son, with having his back.

And I think in both cases - Abby and Buck as well as Eddie and Buck - the relationship is brought to the next level through Buck’s selflessness and willingness to help. But while Abby just takes it and doesn’t really see it as the gift it is and never fully lets Buck in, Eddie does the opposite. Eddie, whether knowing or unknowing, makes himself exactly what Buck needs: someone who puts trust in him, who treats him like an equal, who opens his home and his family to him. And he also tries (and this is a big thing considering who we’re talking about right now) to be there for Buck, to be his anchor just like Buck is his - which obviously works with mixed results, because one person, no matter how hard they try can never fix the problems of someone else alone. Believe me. I’ve tried.

And wow, did that get deep and fast! Damn ya’ll and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in like 5 days. This show really gives me all the feels!

Now, to keep me and maybe ya’ll from crying I’m gonna change the subject and talk about something else, also known as the rest of the episode:

To go back to the start of the episode, Buddie really had some extreme couple / family vibes going on, especially with Christopher in the mix. It’s telling that they included a scene of Buck and Christopher specifically and it was to remind us once again that these two have a strong bond.
I won’t go all: Buddie confirmed, this is were we are heading, ya’ll! Because as you must have realised by now I am fairly cautious when it comes to this and am always fighting to keep my own clownery at bay, but I do have to say so far nothing in this show and Season 3B specifically has read as a red flag for me, disapproving the possibility or making me feel queerbaited. Now, maybe I am just very off in my intuition and they will change gear in Season 4, but well, right now I have some hope!
I also loved the scene of Christopher going to camp and the card which reminded me of 3.01 and also, Eddie looks so good here! And he came so far, letting his son go to camp and all!

Of course I would have loved to see Buck there as well, but one, that would have been a Buddie confirmed and we’re not quite there yet and I’m glad cause right now they aren’t fully ready (in show terms, fanfiction is something different), and two this proves what I said about Buck and Christopher being connected and him having parental / fatherly feelings toward the boy but like, not being his actual father yet! Buck loves Chris and Chris loves Buck and obviously he is part of the Diaz family - but he also isn’t.

(Also: I went to something like camp when I was 11 and you think both my parents brought me? Nah, son, they didn’t. My dad brought me while my mom made breakfast.)

Now, some sidenotes to round it all off:

Karen is a gift and I really hope we see more of her because omg, I wanna be her friend, I wanna be her wife, I wanna learn about life from her! She is awesome and I will never fully forgive Hen for cheating on her, like girly, Eva isn’t even close to Karen on any level?

And speaking of Hen, I love the subplot of Chim coming to terms with her potentially leaving and deciding to help her because he was who she really needed on her side - not anyone else. I’d write a meta on their relationship but tbh it’s so consistent and unproblematic, I really don’t know what to write except: goals about 10000 times. Which isn’t that different to me finding new ways to write THE CONNECTION, if we’re being honest but oh well! Now it’s too late to stop that!

I loved Athena getting spooked by Bobby showing up behind her when she was getting a drink - talk about this show finally addressing the trauma these characters go through! And it only took, oh well, about 35 episodes. Let’s hope that is the energy they bring into Season 4.

Now the apology scene with Bobby, I do hate how Buck is once again the one apologising and especially since it’s with Bobby but I do think it was a nice scene and a great callback to 3.01. Also this episode showed a lot of growth in Bobby and Buck’s relationship. Because after 3a was all about Bobby projecting onto Buck and making decisions for him based on what he thought was the right thing, this episode not only had Buck standing up to Bobby in a healthy and adult way (no lawsuit this time!) but also Bobby giving in and letting Buck make the decision even if he disagreed. That is some motherforking growth right here and Babe, I hope you are not to disappointed with me, but if they keep Bobby like this I might actually begin to see his appeal to people (still need him to suffer the consequences of his actions, though).

But to end on a great note:

Buck is doing okay and - most importantly - MADNEY BABY!!! You guys, we knew it was coming from the promos and all but I cried! I cried so hard! I am so happy for them! These two soft characters and their amazing, open, caring, trusting, adult relationship deserves all the luck in their fictional universe!

Whew, you guys! We’ve done it! And it’s longer than Season 2 (I’m sorry, are ya’ll surprised? This episode was a lot!)

I feel like I should write some form of conclusion to this whole meta and yet my words elude me. Here are the few I have for you though:

This meta began with the idea that neither Buck nor Eddie really knew how to be emotionally intimate with a person and instead used sex as a substitute. This is no longer true for either character.

Buck has learned through his relationship with Abby, that he can be both physically and emotionally intimate with a person and he has proven how this is still true in his reaction to Taylor and his relationship with Ali, what little we saw of it. Furthermore Season 3B specifically showed that Buck, while still afraid to open up to people, is trying. I do think Season 4 is heading toward some kind of romance for him and while I am praying to several deities I do not believe in and the universe itself that it is Eddie, I am not sure. I hope so. But never the less, my shipping aside, Buck has grown tremendously in the course of 3 Seasons and I am so impressed both with his character and the way the show has so realistically done it. I love him. Even more than Buddie I hope we get to see him truly happy in Season 4, happy and settled and learning what life actually holds for him because that kid could rule the world if he wanted to.
Now, Eddie: It’s funny, when I began this meta I felt more connected to Buck, I didn’t really see myself in Eddie, I barely had a grasp on his character at times. Now? Now he is my favourite, I love his greyness, his goodness despite his faults, the way he always struggles with himself to do better, to be better because it doesn’t come naturally to him, because it has been taught to him to do the opposite. And that is so impressive. I love the growth we saw in him, the evolution, the fight to be a better man than his own role-models and I love especially how all of this was motivated by and for his son. He truly loves him more than life itself and I am so impressed with 911 subverting something that feels like a very female storyline by giving it to a man.

But of course Eddie isn’t done yet and Eddie still struggles with intimacy and opening up but he is getting there. Through Frank and Buck and for Christopher he is fighting and he is getting there and I love that for him and about him! He deserves to be happy in Season 4 just like Buck, but mostly he deserves to be at peace with himself!

And I already talked at length about Ana and their potential and linked what I thought didn’t fit in here, so I will not bore you by repeating myself and just say: wait. Wait and see. Maybe the show will surprise us. Maybe it won’t. Maybe corona will kill us all before we have a chance to see Season 4. Maybe we are in the Matrix and the blue pill is a metaphor for being trans. Life is strange!

Also on a more personal note I wanna say thank you to everyone who has read and liked and reblogged and commented. I love all of you. Your support and trust in what I am saying has meant a lot and will mean just as much in the future and I do hope I get to do this again in like a year once they return!

(Also, not to sound needy but another reminder to please reblog and comment? Because I *am* actually writing this because I really wanna talk about the show and my feelings and your thoughts and you know, that can only happen if ya’ll do some reblogging)

(Or come to my ask if you are more comfortable being even more anonymous, I don’t judge - I NEVER ask question any other way!)

In diesem Sinne: hamma wieder was gelernt, recht herzlichen Dank für Ihre Aufmerksamkeit und auf Wiedersehen!

Also, of course, the tagging:

@chimbuckleys​ @angelcamael​ @greyhello​ @the-family-we-choose-118​ @ipleiade​ @sevensoulmates​

[sheerbeautyreigns]

DESIRE

Part 49

Paul returned about 30 minutes later to find Joe a wreck. He was gleaming with sweat, his hair wet and a mess of his own cum in front of him. He looked desperate as Paul came towards him. “Messy boy, look at this.”

“Please…no more.” Joe begged, his eyes pleading for mercy as his body trembled. Paul felt sorry for him and switched the machine off. The room fell silent, apart from Joe’s panting. His body slumped as much as his restraints would allow. “Jesus baby, the sybian really did a number on you this time.” Paul observed, starting to undo the shackles around his ankles. His legs hung limply on either side of the bench. Next he undid his arms and then next it was the collar. Joe leaned onto Paul’s front as he tried to regain his composure. “Let’s get you off this thing.” For the first time that he could remember, Paul lifted Joe over his shoulder and set him on the bed. He fell back onto the pillow, still breathing heavily. He looked weak. Paul retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge and uncapped it.

“Here, drink this.” He instructed, lifting his head. Joe weakly swallowed a few mouthfuls. “You OK?”

Joe nodded slowly. “It was too much. I thought I was going to pass out at one point.”

“Like one of your blackouts?” He asked, leading Joe to nod. “I’ll have to bear that in mind next time. You managed to get that looked into yet?”

“No Sir. To be honest, It’s kinda embarrassing trying to explain it to someone.” Joe explained.

“I worry about you. Stay here and I’ll run you a nice bath. Keep drinking the water.” Paul kissed him on the forehead and left the room. Joe lay there for the next five minutes or so, still feeling his insides tremble. He was starting to get some feeling back in his anus. Paul returned a few moments later. “C’mon baby.” He held onto Joe as he escorted him into the ensuite, easing him into the bath. “There, gently.”

Joe lay back, resting his head on the rim. “Want me to leave you to it?” Paul checked. “Please stay.” Joe reached for his hand. “Of course babe.” Paul eventually got in and sat behind him, massaging his back, cleaning him and finished up by washing his hair. “Thank you Sir. You’re always so good to me.” Joe said turning to face him. “Even when I’m beating the crap outta you and wearing you out to the point you can barely stand?” Paul joked.

“There’s always a reason for it and regardless of how I am in that moment, I always feel better for it. Even though I don’t always look it.” Paul stroked his cheek tenderly. “I’m just glad you’re willing to put up with me. I don’t know what I’d be doing without you right now. Work’s so stressful and sometimes I just feel like I’m losing my mind.” Paul confessed. “I know. I see how it gets to you sometimes…” Joe started. “You’ve been on the receiving end of my moods lately and I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok-” Paul cut Joe off “It’s not though. I want you to speak up if you’re not happy…about anything. Your been so good for me. I want you to feel fulfilled. Understand?”

“Yes Sir, I understand. Why now? If you don’t mind my asking?” Joe stroked Paul’s thigh as he said this, trying to keep him soft. “I feel, like sometimes I ask things of you that you might not necessarily be happy with but you’re afraid to say no. Do you agree?”

“I dunno…I guess. I mean, I was nervous about the session in New York. So nervous, I thought I was going to be sick but it wasn’t that bad.” Paul interrupted him “You never told me what happened there…”

Joe blushed “ He’s similar to you in the dominant role. When I kinda realised it, I felt more at ease. It was when he tried to kiss me that when I felt weird. I felt like I was betraying you.”

“You were right to feel that. I never gave him permission to do it. Kissing is off the table with anyone.” Joe had remembered this was the case with Drew. “He just likes to try his luck.”

“I’m sorry Sir.” Joe apologised. “It wasn’t your fault baby. He had you restrained so it’s not like you could fight it.”

“What about this gathering in LA? Have you spoken with your friend who’s holding it?”

“Not yet but I was planning on calling her today. I just want to make sure you’re definitely OK with it. I don’t want to pressure you.”

“As long as you’re there, I’m fine.” Paul leaned in and kissed him. “Don’t worry baby, I’ll take good care of you.”

That afternoon, they chilled for a little while by the pool. Since his ass was still feeling pretty fragile from the flogging the day before, Joe didn’t go into the pool. He was happy just to lay in the sun lounger and work on his tan. Paul, meanwhile had a couple of meetings for NXT to take care of.

An hour or so had passed and Paul found himself back out by the pool with Joe. “How was your meeting?”

“Good. Just trying to get everything in order for the next Takeover. It’ll be worth it though.”

“Have you heard anything about my match at Clash of Champions yet?” Joe asked gulping a mouthful of water. “Not yet but I should have the Raw draft through in the next day or so. Sometimes, it’s not even worth looking at them since Vince changes then at the last minute most of the time.”

Joe pursed his lips in agreement. He decided to change the subject since he didn’t want to get him worked up. “I managed to get a flight for 11am tomorrow.”

“Good baby, I’m glad you stayed. I really can’t wait to sign off on this house in Tampa. I can make that more of a base for us. I should hear more on Monday or Tuesday. I can build a new dungeon, you can have your own room-”

Joe looked over at him, sitting forward. “My own room?”

“Just in case we have a disagreement. Knowing us, we’ll make up in a few hours.” Paul joked. “I didn’t mean that. I just meant in general, you’re giving me a room there?”

Paul looked at him, puzzled. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Well, I’m already based in Tampa-” he started. Paul sat up. “Yeah but I want you to stay with me when I’m there, which will be a lot.” He noticed a small smile creep onto Joe’s face. “I want this to be our place babe.”

“Are you sure?” Joe checked. “Of course I’m sure.”

“I just…I just don’t want you to get tired of me, is all.” Paul gave a questioning look. “What’s brought this on?”

“Nothing, I just…wasn’t expecting it.” He blushed. “Babe, I want this. For us. I want you to help me to decorate it. I want somewhere nice for us to come back to. It’s so big here. I don’t necessarily need something this size.” He mused. “What are you thinking?” Joe asked. “Well, I need a base here for head office but…I dunno. Let’s just take one thing at a time.” Paul rose to his feet. “I just need to make a phone call.”

“Nadja hey. It’s been a while.” Paul started, closing the door of his office behind himself discreetly. “Hey stranger.” Came her husky German accent. “I was wondering when I’d hear from you.” Paul padded around the room in his bare feet. “It’s been a while hasn’t it.” He smiled fondly. “Michael told me I’d probably hear from you soon.” Paul stopped to look out the window. His eyes fixed on Joe as he lay relaxing on the deck chair. “I’m sure he did.”

“You two. The tension, after all this time.” She laughed gently. “You can’t change him unfortunately. He’ll always be an asshole. An asshole I respect none the less.” Paul sighed as he lowered to his computer chair. “So, you’re coming to my gathering on the 17th yes?”

“I was thinking about it-” He started, leaning back on the chair, palming the back of his head. “What do you mean, thinking about it? You’ve never missed one in a long time. Besides, you wanna see my new pad. It’s to die for.”

“How many people are you planning on having over?” Paul asked. “Well, I don’t want it to get too messy so I’m thinking around 30. That would include you and your new pet.” She remarked.

“Do I sense a bit of jealousy?” Paul sat forward. “How can you tell?” She gave in. “From what Michael has told me, he seems quite the specimen. I’m curious.”

“I bet you are.” His blood started to boil at the thought of Michael telling her about Joe. He peered out the window again, distracted as Joe stood, pacing around the pool, on his phone, wearing only his cut offs. He always found time to marvel at his body “So I can count on you both to be there?”

“We’ll be there. I can’t wait for you to meet him. He’s perfect.” Paul said calmly. “I’m glad. You need someone to keep up with you.”

“Oh, that he does. How’ve you been anyway?” Paul asked starting to pace around the room again. “You know me. Always busy. I just bought this place six months ago and putting my own mark on it. I think you’ll like it.”

“I’ll look forward to it.” After they said their goodbyes, Paul opened his laptop and answered a few emails. It was about 4pm when there was a light knock on the door.

“Yeah?” Paul looked up from the screen as Joe cautiously opened the door. “You OK?” The younger man checked holding on to the door. “Sorry baby, I got carried away with work again.” He apologised with a small smile before rubbing his eyes. “It’s OK. I know you’re busy. I just wanted to see if you need anything.” Paul closed down the screen and stood, stretching. Joe held the door open as he approached. “How could I neglect this face?” Paul cupped his face and planted a kiss on his lips. Joe reciprocated as they stood in the frame. Paul took his hand and lead him into the living room. With a devilish smile, he forced him down on his knees in front of the sofa while he took a seat in front of him. Joe didn’t need to be told. He leaned forward between Paul’s legs and undid his zipper. He lowered his cut offs and pulled out his hard dick. “Good, baby.” He commented as Joe took the head in his mouth, massaging the undershaft with his tongue. Paul’s hands roamed his hair which was in a low loose bun, which he eventually took down, allowing it to tumble down on either side of his face. “So sexy with your hair down like that while you’re sucking my dick.” He could see the smile in Joe eyes as they trailed up to his. “Aww baby.” He said, fisting a handful of hair as he began to fuck his mouth. Trails of drool escaped Joe mouth as he took Paul’s cock. Moans and groans escaped his throat as Paul hit the back. “That’s it, take it.” He urged. “Aww I’m gonna come so hard on that pretty mouth of yours.” That he did, moments later, filling the back of Joe throat with his cum. He watched as Joe devoured it eagerly. “Good boy.

[calumcest]

you and i were fireworks that went off too soon - chapter five

[ao3]

why is it now like tradition that i finish an assignment/exam and just bang out 6k of this fic again yes i did an exam today and could have spent my evening editing my dissertation that’s due on monday but instead i wrote some more of this we are finally getting somewhere though isn’t this exciting this is going to be like the slowburniest slowburn fic ever jesus christ

also just to be sappy for a sec i want to say thank you to everyone who’s messaged me about this fic you have NO IDEA how much it means to me i think about/re-read your comments every day honestly it’s like...makes my life so thank you so much for appreciating it and taking the time to message me about it

Soulmate experiences are something Luke doesn’t know much about.

Frankly, it’s something that nobody knows much about. They seem to vary from soulmate pairing to soulmate pairing - some people find they get unwell if they’re away from their soulmate for too long, some people find they can feel what their soulmate is feeling when they touch - but the majority of people don’t seem to get them at all. The soulmate tattoos are still fairly fresh - it’s only been seven months since they first appeared, and researchers keep assuring the public that it will likely be decades before they fully understand them - and because Luke’s leaves a sour taste in his mouth, he’s never looked into them, so all the information he’s gleaned about them is from hearsay. 

Michael and Calum have never mentioned any soulmate experiences, so Luke’s a little taken aback when they discuss the morning’s events on Tuesday evening. 

“Explain it again,” Michael says, curled up on Calum’s sofa clutching a glass of lemonade. Luke had sent Michael and Calum garbled messages in the morning, trying to explain what had happened and that yes, he’s okay, he’s just a little shaken, while simultaneously trying to get dressed. He’d managed to find time to explain it properly to Calum at lunch, but all Michael’s had to work off were the messages Luke had shouted at his Siri while buttoning his shirt, which are barely even English. 

(“Oh, that was Siri?” Michael says, sounding genuinely surprised, when Luke explains why the messages were so jumbled. Luke flips him off.) 

“I don’t know,” Luke says. “I was freaking out about the tattoo growing again, and then he spoke to me, and it was like...like I’d never have another care in the world.” Michael frowns. 

“Luke got the time his train left the station, and Ashton got the time it arrived,” Calum adds. Michael nods, still frowning. 

“So it’s growing every time you bump into each other?” he asks. Luke shrugs uncomfortably. 

“Well, I mean, it’s only happened twice, so…” he trails off, knowing he’s not convincing anybody in the room, least of all himself. 

“And what, just hearing his voice made you feel better?” Michael says. 

“No, it was- uh, you know that tone Calum uses when you’re anxious about something? It was like that.” Michael nods again, thoughtfully. 

“You ever heard of that?” he says to Calum. Calum shakes his head. 

“We’re the only ones I know that have a soulmate experience, though,” he says. Luke blinks at them. 

“You have a soulmate experience?” he says. Calum and Michael suddenly look a little guilty, and exchange a look. 

“We didn’t tell you because it was...y’know,” Michael says, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa. 

“We didn’t want to upset you,” Calum says.

“What?” Luke demands. 

“We...share dreams,” Michael says, a little hesitantly. 

“You- you share dreams?” Calum nods. 

“We dream the same things,” he says. Luke stares at them. They’ve spent the last seven months sharing dreams, and neither of them thought to tell him. That kind of fucking stings. 

“Right,” he says, after a moment, not entirely sure how to process that, but all too aware of the hurt and irritation bubbling in his stomach. “You should have told me that.” 

“Well, to be fair, mate, the tattoos are a bit of a touchy subject for you,” Michael says. 

“So is my best friends lying to me,” Luke says, a little shortly. 

“We didn’t lie,” Michael points out. 

“You lied by omission.” 

“Jesus, Luke,” Calum says, throwing his hands up in frustration. “You would have been pissed if we’d told you, and now you’re pissed that we didn’t. We just tried to do what we thought was best for you.” Luke clenches his teeth. 

“I can decide that for myself,” he says. 

“Not really,” Michael says. “You keep calling Ashton, even after what he did to you.” 

“He’s my fucking soulmate, Mike, what am I meant to do?” Luke says hotly. 

“Just because he’s your soulmate doesn’t mean you have to go running back to him,” Michael snaps. That’s a low fucking blow, and they all know it. Luke sees it in the way Calum’s brow creases and his eyes flit to Luke, in the way Michael’s eyes widen and he opens his mouth to retract it. 

“Don’t bother,” Luke says flatly, before Michael has the chance to speak. “At least I know what you think now.” 

“He doesn’t mean that,” Calum tries. 

“He can speak for himself,” Luke says. Michael hesitates, which tells Luke all he needs to know. “Great. See?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Michael says eventually. 

“Sounds like you did.” 

“I just- I’m just worried about you.” His tone is soft, but it still makes Luke’s blood boil. It’s just what Luke fucking hates, the pity, the fear, the worry that’s never going to go away, not after Michael and Calum saw him the way he was. He hates that it’s changed their opinion of him irrevocably, that they think he’s some precious, fragile little thing that’ll break the minute Ashton decides Luke’s not worth his time again. 

The thing is, though, he knows Michael means well. Michael’s not saying it because he wants to embarrass Luke, because he wants him to feel small and inferior and ashamed, but because he cares, because he genuinely wants Luke to be happy. And sure, he has a pretty shitty bedside manner when it comes to these things, but deep down Luke knows that’s the place he’s coming from. 

So Luke bites back the I don’t need you to worry about me, the worry about your fucking self and the fuck you on the tip of his tongue, and swallows his pride. 

“I appreciate that,” he says, and the words burn hot as they leave his lips. “But I’m fine.” Michael gives him a sceptical look, but Calum’s the one to speak. 

“You know we’d never do anything to hurt you on purpose,” he says. Luke nods, a little tightly. 

“I know,” he says. He gets why they didn’t tell him, he does, but he also kind of fucking hates that they think he needs protecting. He’s not a kid - he doesn’t need to be coddled. “But I’m fine. Honestly. And I’m not running back to Ashton, whatever you think.” Michael flinches a little at that, but he seems to acknowledge that it’s fair enough. 

“So what did Ashton say?” Calum asks, changing the subject, ever the diplomat. Luke shrugs. 

“I hung up on him,” he says. 

“So you don’t know if he felt anything too?” Michael asks. Luke shakes his head. “Are you going to ask?” 

“No,” Luke says, because the thought of telling Ashton hey, remember when you told me everything was going to be okay? Yeah, I had a soulmate experience, and that’s why I freaked out and hung up. How was it on your end? makes shame and embarrassment throb hotly under his skin. 

“Maybe you should,” Michael says. 

“What the fuck, Mike?” Luke says, a little annoyed. “Two seconds ago you were having a go at me for talking to him, now you want me to?” 

“I mean, it might be good to work out how your soulmate experience works,” Calum says. 

“Yeah, like, is it reciprocal?” Michael puts in. 

“What, so I just tell Ashton to ring me the next time he’s feeling like shit?” Luke says sarcastically. “You know as well as I do that he’s going to take that as ‘I’m here for you if you need me’.” 

“Well, no,” Calum says carefully. “What about the study? Have you heard back? You could offer to participate.” Luke presses his lips together. He still hasn’t told Michael and Calum about the offer the researchers made, and he feels guilt creep in around the edges of his remaining irritation. It’s a bit hypocritical of him to snap at them for keeping secrets from him when he’s doing exactly the same. Although, he supposes, he hasn’t kept this secret for seven months . 

“They, uh,” he says, averting his gaze. “They asked me to be part of the study.” 

“What?” Michael says, shocked. “When?” 

“Sunday.” Luke sees realisation dawn on Michael’s face, followed swiftly by indignance, and he hurries to add: “I know I should have told you, but I- honestly, I needed time to process it. And it’s only been two days.” Not seven months , he doesn’t say, but they all hear anyway. 

“It’s okay,” Calum says. “We get it. Don’t we, Michael?” He shoots Michael a glare, and Michael huffs. 

“Yes, we do,” he says sullenly. 

“What did they say?” Calum asks. 

“They just offered us a place on the study,” Luke says. 

“Ashton too?” 

“Well, it’d be a bit fucking hard to do a soulmate study with only one person, wouldn’t it?” Michael points out. 

“I don’t know, weren’t there a couple of individuals on our study?” Calum says, and right, yeah, Luke had completely forgotten they’d been part of a study early on. 

“You think I paid any attention to anyone else on that study?” Michael scoffs. Calum grins, and Michael rolls his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself. I was focused on trying to find out why I have your fucking dog tattooed on my body.” 

“What did you have to do?” Luke asks. “In your study, I mean.” 

“Mostly just answer questions,” Calum says. “I mean, they were trying to figure out what the hell the tattoos were.” 

“Yeah, we had to answer some together and some separately,” Michael says. “And there was a blood test, remember?” Calum groans. 

“I try not to,” he says. 

“Are you going to do it?” Michael asks, and it takes Luke a moment before he realises it’s directed at him. 

“What? Oh,” he says. “Uh. I don't know?”

“Well, what did you say to them?” 

“I haven’t replied yet.” Calum nods, but he’s got a less-than-impressed look on his face. 

“You might as well ask what it would consist of,” he says. Luke shrugs uncomfortably. 

“I don’t want to feel like an experiment,” he says. 

“Even if it helps you work out what’s happening with your tattoo?” Michael says, raising his eyebrows. Luke frowns. Answering a few questions doesn’t sound so bad, if it helps him figure out why the tattoo keeps growing and how to stop it. 

“I don’t know,” he says again. “Maybe. I’ll have to think about it.” Michael and Calum just nod, and don’t say anything, even though it’s clear they both think he’s a fucking idiot for not immediately jumping at the chance to be studied by renowned researchers and possibly get some answers to the issue he’s been brooding about for weeks. Luke loves them for it. 

And so, because Luke’s trying to be a better person, he pushes down the irritation and spite still churning in his stomach, and leans back in his chair. 

“So,” he says. “You share dreams?” 

The surprised but brilliant smiles Michael and Calum send his way make it all worth it. 

  ------- 

  “Hey,” Calum says, when Luke walks into the office on Thursday. “Don’t forget we’re playing football on Saturday.” Luke groans, setting his bag down on his desk and sitting down in his chair, and Calum grins. “What, you really thought I’d forget?” 

“A man can fucking dream,” Luke mutters, turning his computer on. “Who’s playing?”

“Chris and Matt said they’d play for us,” Calum says. “And Tom said he’d get a team together.” Luke groans again. 

“Matt’s an extra fucking team member for Tom’s team,” he says. Calum laughs. 

“Yeah, but you’ve got me,” he says, eyes twinkling. Luke huffs, but he can’t really retaliate against that. Calum had literally been scouted by Real Madrid. 

“I still don’t know why you didn’t go,” Luke says for the millionth time, shaking his head as he types his password in. He says it every time they have this conversation, and he’s expecting Calum’s usual answer - I didn’t want Mali to get my bedroom when I left - but instead Calum shrugs. 

“I couldn’t leave Michael,” he says. Luke’s head snaps away from the computer screen to stare at him. 

“You turned down becoming a multimillionaire for Michael?” he says incredulously. “Mate, you’ve not told him that, have you?” Calum throws him a strange look. 

“Not yet,” he says. 

“Good,” Luke says fervently. “Don’t. He’ll fucking kill you if he finds out you turned down being rich for him.” Calum laughs. 

“I’m not materialistic,” he says, stretching in his chair. 

“Yeah, but Michael is.” Calum has to concede there. 

“True,” he says. “Good thing he’s the one earning a hundred thousand a year as a session musician.” Luke scowls at his desktop as he sees emails starting to pop in. Who the fuck is already sending emails at ten past nine? 

“Who the fuck sends emails this early?” he grumbles, clicking on the one that looks like it will be the least effort to deal with. 

“Shit, that reminds me,” Calum says, sounding excited all of a sudden. Luke half-debates telling him to get an MRI scan, because nobody sane gets that excited about receiving emails. “I got one at two .” 

“ Two ?” Luke says, picking up a pencil and pulling a sheet of paper towards him to write down a note for Chris. “From who ?” 

“Phil, if you can fucking believe it.” Luke stares at him in disbelief, pencil poised above the paper. 

“No,” he says, trying to imagine their uptight boss being awake in the middle of the night. “What the fuck?” 

“It gets better,” Calum says gleefully. “Guess what it was about?” 

“Firing me?” 

“I mean, good guess, but not this time,” Calum says. “It was an invite to join a Facebook group called ‘In Love With Colleague Support Group’.” Luke gapes at him. 

“Holy shit,” he says, and Calum nods delightedly. “Oh my God. Who is it?” 

“My money’s on Kiera,” Calum says. 

“I thought she just found her soulmate?” Luke says. 

“Maybe that’s why Phil needs support.” 

“No,” Luke says thoughtfully, tapping his chin with the pencil. “I’ve seen him hanging around Lisa at the photocopier.” 

“Lisa? Nah, no way,” Calum says confidently. 

“Why not?”

“He’s into blondes,” Calum says. 

“How the fuck would you know?” Luke asks. “I reckon it’s Lisa.” 

“Want to bet?” Luke only considers it for half a second before nodding. 

“Twenty dollars says it’s Lisa.” 

“Twenty on Kiera.” 

“Done.” Calum grins at him across the desk. 

“Hope you enjoy paying for mine and Michael’s condoms,” he says. 

Luke throws a pair of scissors at him.

  -------

  The only reasons Luke can drag himself out of bed at nine-thirty on Saturday morning are because he knows he’s got a week off work for Christmas and New Year’s so he can sleep in the rest of the week, and because he knows Calum will come to his house and frogmarch him to the pitch if he doesn’t go of his own accord. 

Clifford gets excited when Luke starts putting his shoes on, thinking he’s going for a walk and running out to fetch his lead. Luke doesn’t have the heart to let him down, so he clips Clifford’s lead on and sends a quick text to Michael and Calum telling them he’s a pushover so Clifford’s coming with him. 

Matt, Chris, Michael and Calum are already there when Luke arrives at five to ten, along with four guys from the other team. Luke knows Tom, who works in accounting, and he thinks the ginger guy to his left might be called Simon, but he’s not confident enough to say hi when he gets to the pitch. 

“Alright?” Calum says, bending down to scratch behind Clifford’s ears. Clifford wags his tail happily, because the little traitor loves Calum more than anybody else. Calum could probably punt him across the pitch and Clifford would still come running back for a cuddle. 

“C’mon, little man,” Luke says, pulling Clifford away, much to his chagrin. “Let’s get you tied up.” Clifford lets out a huff but trots over to the fence and lies down, letting Luke tie his lead into the mesh behind him. 

“We’re just talking tactics,” Chris tells Luke when he jogs over to the group, chucking him a bib. Luke thinks a good tactic would be to have Matt sit the game out, but given that Matt’s his boss’s son, he thinks it probably wouldn’t be the best move. 

“I think we should play defensive,” Matt says as Luke pulls his bib on. “Keep Calum up front, but the three of us drop back. Chris, you want to be in goal?” Calum throws a look over at where Tom’s team are huddled together, deep in conversation. 

“Where’s their fifth?” he asks, and everybody shrugs. 

“Hey, Tom,” Michael shouts, and Tom turns around. “Where’s your fifth?” 

“He’s coming,” Tom calls. “Said he’d be here in a few minutes.” 

“We should get an automatic goal for their lateness,” Luke grumbles, because he didn’t drag himself out of bed this early just to have to stand around in the heat waiting for some random guy who can’t be bothered to make it on time. Just then, however, the gate swings open again. 

“Hey,” a voice says. “Sorry I’m late.” Luke throws a glance over his shoulder at the sound - and stops dead. 

Jesus fucking Christ. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he says, before he can stop himself, and Chris, Matt Michael and Calum look up in surprise, following his gaze. Chris, Michael and Calum’s faces tighten in recognition, but Matt just looks bewildered. 

“You know him?” Matt asks. 

“That’s your ex, isn’t it?” Chris says, and yeah, of course. Luke had brought Ashton to a few work parties, and Chris has worked at the company since, like, the dawn of time. 

“Yeah,” Luke says, still glaring at Ashton, who’s made his way over to Tom’s team and is immersed in their conversation now. 

“I take it it didn’t end well?” Matt says. 

“You could say that,” Calum says. Ashton tips his head back in a laugh, and then locks eyes with Luke and freezes. 

“Yep,” Luke grits out, not looking away from Ashton. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Ashton’s making his way over. 

“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Ashton says, before he’s even got to the group. 

“I’d fucking hope not,” Luke says. 

“Hey, Michael, Calum,” Ashton says, a little uncomfortably. 

“Hi,” Calum says stiffly. Michael just glowers at Ashton. 

“Can we talk?” Ashton says, and Luke wants to say no, but he also doesn’t want to have this conversation in front of Chris and Matt, so he nods and follows Ashton a few steps away from his team. He feels all four sets of their eyes on him, curious and wary, and turns his back to them so he doesn’t have to think about it. 

“This is a fucking joke,” Luke says flatly. “You don’t even know Tom.” 

“No, but I know Ollie,” Ashton says, nodding at the ginger guy next to Tom. Not Simon, then. 

“Great,” Luke huffs, folding his arms.  

“Do you want me to go?” 

“Yes,” Luke says. Ashton hesitates for a moment, and then nods. 

“Alright,” he says. “I’ll tell Tom I can’t play anymore.” It strikes Luke, then, that if Ashton turns up, Luke has a mini-tantrum, and then Ashton leaves, Luke’s going to be blamed for ruining the match, and given that he works with at least four of these guys, that’s not going to win him any favours in the workplace. 

“Wait,” he says, as Ashton turns to leave. “Fuck. Just- stay, but keep out of my way.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“If you can stay out of my fucking way.” Ashton bites his lip, and nods. Luke turns to head back to his team, but Ashton catches his arm. He drops it immediately when Luke whips back around, like it’s burnt him, and Luke stares at him, yanking his arm away even though Ashton’s already let go.  

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he says. 

“Did you feel it?” Ashton asks quietly, eyes serious. 

“Feel what?” 

“On the phone.” Luke swallows. 

“This isn’t the time,” he says. 

“After the match?” Luke glances over at Michael and Calum, who are staring at him, both frowning, concern etched all over their faces. 

“Lunch,” he offers. Ashton nods. Luke turns and jogs back to his team without another word. 

“Did you work it out?” Matt asks. 

“Yep,” Luke says, sending Michael and Calum a look that says we need to talk . They both nod. 

“Well, we’ve got extra motivation to fucking smash them, then, don’t we?” Chris says cheerfully, and Luke can’t help but laugh. 

  -------

  At half time, when they’re two-nil up, Luke corners Michael and Calum. Chris and Matt pretend not to notice, engrossing themselves in a loud conversation about whether or not the offside rule should apply in five-a-side. 

“What’d he say?” Michael demands, as soon as they’re far enough away from everyone. 

“He wants to talk,” Luke says. “We’re going for lunch. He said he felt something on the phone call.” 

“What’d he feel?” Calum wants to know. 

“I don’t know,” Luke says. “That’s why I suggested lunch.” 

“Jesus,” Calum says. 

“Hang on,” Michael says. “Are you going to end up with a ball on your back now?” Luke stares at him for a moment, then tips his head back, groaning. He hadn’t even thought of that. 

“Fuck me,” he says, letting his eyes flutter shut. “I don’t want a fucking ball on my back.” 

“The moon already kind of looks like a ball,” Michael says helpfully. Luke opens his eyes again just to glare at him. 

“Maybe you’ll get something else,” Calum says. 

“I don’t even know that I’ll get anything ,” Luke says defensively. 

“Denial’s not a good look for you,” Michael tells him, and Luke flips him off. 

“Score at least another three this half, Cal,” he says, when Tom shouts that half time is nearly over. Calum grins, pushing his sweaty hair back from his forehead, and nods. 

“Three? At least make it a fucking challenge, Luke,” he says. 

  -------

  They win seven-one, in the end, and the one is an own goal by Matt. Luke can’t even bring himself to care, though, when Michael, Calum, Matt and Chris are whooping, high-fiving, and Tom’s shaking his head as they slope off the pitch.

“Calum should count as at least three players,” he says, swigging from his water bottle. 

“Yeah, but they also had Matt on their team,” the guy Luke now knows is Ollie says. Matt turns to him indignantly. 

“What the fuck, mate?” he says. Luke throws Michael and Calum a let’s-leave-before-this-gets-ugly look, and quickly unties Clifford from where he’s been patiently watching the game unfold. 

“You’re kind of shit, mate,” he hears Ollie saying, as the three of them quickly throw goodbyes over their shoulders and head out of the gate. 

“Jesus, why would you fucking say that?” Luke asks, as they start off through the park, Clifford trotting happily in front of them. 

“Masochism?” Calum offers. 

“Does he work at ours?” Luke asks. Calum shrugs. 

“Haven’t seen him if he does,” he says. “Fuck me, I’m so sweaty.” 

“Might do,” Michael says casually. Luke throws him a disgusted look. 

“Not in front of me, dickheads,” he says, and Michael grins. 

“Go on,” he says. “Indulge my exhibitionist kink.” Luke pulls a face. 

“I think I’d rather gouge out my eyeballs,” he tells Michael seriously.

“Would you really not fuck us?” Calum asks nonchalantly, like he’s asking about the weather. Luke chokes on his next breath. 

“Are y- what ?” he asks. “Cal, are you insane? No offence, but I’d rather fuck Phil.”

“I mean, offence taken,” Michael says. 

“You don’t even know Phil,” Luke says.

“I know enough,” Michael says. “Calum’s hot, come on. Wouldn’t you fuck him?” 

“Are you, like, fucking swingers now, or something?” Luke demands. Calum laughs, eyes twinkling, and it finally dawns on Luke that they’re joking. 

“Only for you,” Calum says, and Luke scowls. 

“Fuck you,” he says, a touch sulkily. 

“We’re offering,” Michael says, but his eyes are gleaming too. 

“Stop making fun of me,” Luke huffs. Calum slings an arm around his shoulders. 

“Poor baby,” he says. “Don’t worry, we’d pity fuck you if you wanted us to.”

“I don’t want you to,” Luke says pointedly, but he leans into Calum’s touch anyway. 

  -------

  An hour later, Luke’s freshly showered and on his way to the address Ashton had texted him. It’s some café that he’s never heard of, and it makes him roll his eyes when he turns the corner and sees it, a little tucked-away place in a side road that looks just like the kind of place Ashton would want to have lunch at. Ashton’s already in there when Luke pushes the door open, sat at a table by the window with his phone in his hands, and he smiles hesitantly at Luke when he spots him making his way over. 

“Hi,” he says, when Luke throws himself down into the chair opposite Ashton with a little more drama than he perhaps needed to. “Thanks for coming.” Luke grunts noncommittally, and picks up a menu so he doesn’t have to look at Ashton. Ham and cheese toastie sounds good enough for lunch, he thinks. 

The waitress comes over after a few moments, because they’re literally one of the only three groups of people in the place, and they both order politely, smiling at her only for it to drop off their faces when they turn back to each other. 

“So,” Ashton says, breaking the silence. “Uh. I wanted to talk about the phone call.” Luke gazes out of the window, watching the passers-by, and nods. 

“What about it?” he says carefully, not wanting to give his own position away. He doesn’t know whether Ashton felt the same thing as him, after all, 

“You didn’t feel it?” 

“I didn’t say that.” Ashton pauses, and then sighs. 

“Okay,” he says. “I, uh. When I told you you were going to be okay, I felt...like, this overwhelming sense of protection?” Luke doesn’t tear his eyes away from the lady across the street trying to fit her plastic bag in the bin, just nods. That kind of makes sense. 

“I felt…” Luke searches for the right word, one that will express what he wants to say without giving Ashton anything, because give Ashton Irwin an inch and he’ll take a good twenty-seven miles. “Calm,” he settles on eventually. 

“Right,” Ashton says, after a pause. “So, what, we have a soulmate experience?” Luke shrugs. 

“Looks like it,” he says. Just then, the waitress brings their food over, and they both plaster on their plastic smiles and thank her. 

“Do you think it works the other way around?” Ashton asks, taking a bite out of his toastie. Luke shrugs.

“No idea,” he says, in a tone that he hopes conveys and I have no interest in finding out . Ashton seems to get it, because he doesn’t say anything else until they’ve both finished their first slice. 

“Have you thought any more about the study?” he asks, wiping his hands on a napkin. 

“Not really,” Luke says. “I was thinking of emailing them to ask what it would consist of.” 

“I already did,” Ashton says. Luke blinks at him, not entirely sure how he should feel about that. 

“And?” Ashton looks a little uncomfortable. 

“I, uh,” he says, picking his phone off the table. “I think it’s better if you read it yourself.” He passes his phone over to Luke, who wipes his own fingers and begins to read. From: <c.r.johnson@ucl.ac.uk> To: <ashtonfletcherirwin@gmail.com> Cc: <j.m.newbury@ucl.ac.uk> RE: RE: Soulmate study

Dear Mr Irwin,

Thank you for your swift follow up email. 

The details of the study are as follows: 

4 weeks following participants’ movements

One group living apart, one group living together

Questionnaires 3x per week (individual and partner) 

Blood samples once daily (other biological samples to be confirmed)

Variety of physical tests (to be confirmed, non-invasive)

Psychological assessment once weekly  

As you can see from the above, your soulmate and yourself would have to come to London to partake in this study. All expenses would be reimbursed by the University. 

Kind regards,  Colin Johnson 

Luke hands the phone back to Ashton with an unreadable expression. 

“We’d have to go to London?” he says. “For four weeks ?” 

“Yeah,” Ashton says. “It’s not ideal.” 

“It’s far from not fucking ideal,” Luke says. “I have a job here. I’ve got a dog. I can’t just leave for four weeks.” 

“So you want to do it?” Luke hesitates.

“I want to know how to stop it growing,” he says. “And I want to know how to control it.” 

“Control it?” 

“Well, we’re not going to be together, are we?” Luke says, ignoring the way Ashton flinches at his words. “So we have to find a way of getting it under control for the next sixty years.” 

“So you want to go to London?” 

“I can’t just up and leave, Ashton,” Luke says. 

“Bring Clifford with you,” Ashton suggests. “I’m sure work will give you time off for this.” 

“So you want to do it?” Luke says. Ashton shrugs. 

“Yeah,” he says honestly. “But I won’t if you don’t want to.” 

“Well, you can’t, really, can you?” Luke points out. “Not without me.” Ashton shrugs again, but says nothing. Luke sighs heavily, leaning back in his chair and squeezing his eyes shut. 

This is a lot. He wants to figure out what’s going on with their tattoos, how to stop them growing, ideally if there’s any way to, like, sever the soulmate tie between him and Ashton, and these researchers seem like the only ones looking into soulmates that are choosing to stay apart. They seem to be his best chance at understanding what’s going on, and at hopefully finding a way to stop it happening. 

Then again, they’re in London. Thousands and thousands of miles away, away from Calum and Michael and everyone who makes him feel safe, away from Clifford, away from his job, and he’d be jet-lagged and stuck in a drab, cold, wet foreign country with Ashton as the only person he knows for four weeks. 

“Let me think about it,” he says eventually. 

“Okay,” Ashton says, sounding relieved, and for the first time Luke realises that it’s not just him that wants answers to this, who wants it to stop. Ashton’s body is also at risk of turning into a monument to Luke just as much as Luke’s is at risk of turning into a shrine to Ashton. 

“Want to place bets on what football tattoos we’re going to get?” Ashton says after a minute, and Luke snorts despite himself. 

“As long as I’m not the one who ends up with the ball,” he says. 

“Man, I’d rather have the ball than the goal,” Ashton says. Luke’s eyes widen. He hadn’t even thought of that. 

“Yeah, second thoughts, I’ll take the fucking ball,” he says, and Ashton laughs. It makes something tighten deep in the pits of Luke’s stomach that makes him uncomfortable, but not because it’s unpleasant. He can’t quite put his finger on it, but his body tells him he likes it. 

Whatever, he thinks, pulling out his wallet as the waitress comes over. It’s probably just another bullshit soulmate thing. 

  -------

  Luke wakes up to two texts from Ashton.

Ashton Irwin Fuck’s sake

Ashton Irwin I got the ball 

Luke grins, happy that he’s not the one who ended up with the ball, and pads to the bathroom to check his tattoo in the mirror. Clifford’s hot on his heels, whining for his breakfast. 

8. Great. As if he needed more numbers on it. 

Me I got an 8 

Ashton’s reply is instantaneous. 

Ashton Irwin My bib number 

Something flares in Luke’s stomach at the words, and he presses it down before he has time to process what it is. 

“I’m coming, little man,” he says, rolling his eyes, when Clifford’s whines start getting louder, slipping his shirt back on and pushing the tattoo from his mind.

  -------

  “So,” Michael says when Luke finishes catching him up on yesterday’s events, voice crackling over the shitty internet connection and barely audible over Luke’s extractor fan. “What did he say?” 

“He wants to do the study,” Luke says, stirring the pasta in the pot. 

“Well, of course he does,” Michael says. “But London?” 

“I know,” Luke says, biting his lip. “It’s so fucking far.” 

“And it’s so long,” Michael says. “I don’t know if I want you to be on your own with Ashton for four weeks.” 

“You and me both, mate,” Luke says, sprinkling some random herbs in the sauce. Fuck it, herbs can never be wrong, right? 

“So, what, are you going to say no?” 

“I don’t know,” Luke moans. “I want to fucking find out how to stop it, but I don’t want to leave for four fucking weeks.” 

“Did you get anything new?” Michael asks. Luke nods. 

“His bib number,” he says. “He got the ball.” Michael makes a pleased noise. 

“Good,” he says, sounding satisfied. “Fuck him.” Luke grins, adding some more salt to the sauce. 

“Hey, are you going home for Christmas?” Michael asks suddenly. 

“I don’t think so,” Luke says. “I think Mum and Dad are skiing. Why?” 

“Cal and I are spending it together,” Michael says, sounding a little nervous and a lot excited about it. “You should come.” Luke hesitates. 

“Nah, Mikey,” he says eventually, even though he would love nothing more than to spend Christmas with his two best friends. “This is your first Christmas together. You should spend it alone.” 

“No, Luke, we want you there,” Michael presses. “All three of us. We’re not leaving you out just because we’re soulmates now.” 

“Talk to Cal about it first,” Luke says after a moment. “Make sure he’s okay with it first. I don’t want to impose.” Michael rolls his eyes. 

“What, you think I was the one who wanted you to come round?” he says, but he’s grinning. “Cal’s desperate for you to come.” Luke’s heart softens, just a little, and he grins at his pasta. 

“If you’re sure,” he says. 

“Jesus, yes, we’re fucking sure,” Michael says, still grinning. “See you Wednesday, then?” 

“See you Wednesday,” Luke confirms. 

“We’re going to fuck, though,” Michael tells him, and Luke sighs heavily. It’s Christmas. Luke can’t really begrudge them that. 

“I’ll listen and wank,” Luke says. 

“You’re always welcome to join,” Michael says, and Luke rolls his eyes, aiming his middle finger at the camera. Michael laughs, tinny and staticky. 

“Love you,” he says. “Enjoy your dinner.” 

“Love you too,” Luke says. “Enjoy Calum.” 

“Always do,” Michael says, and Luke can almost hear his eyes glinting. It makes him shake his head, but it also makes his heart hurt a little bit. 

Jesus, he’s fucking lonely. 

  -------

  Luke’s usually one to agonise. 

He usually sits on decisions for days, thinks about them for weeks, thinks and overthinks and chops and changes and flips coins and then flips them again. He makes detailed pros and cons lists, he asks every single person he’s ever met what they would do in his situation, he refuses to think about it for days or weeks until it bursts into the forefront of his mind again. He usually needs at least three weeks of warning before he has to make a decision, and even then he’s hard-pressed to do it. 

So when he finds himself sitting in bed at half-past two in the morning, reading and re-reading the email the researchers had sent to him, and finds nothing but a comfortable weight in his stomach telling him go, go to London, he’s not really sure what to make of it. 

His fingers, though, seem to have a mind of their own, flying across his keyboard before his mind has time to catch up and tell him it’s a bad idea. 

Me I’ll do it

Ashton’s reply comes within seconds. 

Ashton Irwin Thank you.

taglist: @glitterlukey @hey-its-grey

chapter six

[bellakitse]

33/malex

I got you, deep in the heart of me

# 33- “Sometimes I just can’t control myself when around you.” ( I slightly changed the wording.)

If there is one truth that Michael Guerin knows abouthimself is that self-control, and Alex Manes are not things that go hand inhand for him. Before he ever tasted Alex’s lips back when they were just kids,he always had an urge to know him, deep under his skin like an itch hecouldn’t get to no matter how much he scratched. When he stole his guitar fromthe music room, it was as much about the music and the quiet it provided asmuch as about the boy with kohl-lined eyes. After all, there were other guitarsin the music room; he didn’t have to take Alex’s.

After their first kiss and now first-hand knowledge of Alex’staste, of the softness of his lips, and even softer sounds he makes, his flimsygrasp on his control was all but gone. For the next ten years, he would provethat his self-control is nonexistent when it comes to Alex Manes, always caving,always craving whatever small amount of time Alex was able to give him when heblew through town on leave.

When he decides to move on, that all he and Alex do is hurteach other. He tries, he tries so hard, for his sake, for Maria’s and even forAlex’s. Love shouldn’t hurt so much he tells himself. He’s always loved Alex,he’ll always love Alex, but he’s tired of all the pain. He pushes awaythe constant buzzing under his skin that urges him to reach out and touch theAirman whenever he’s in the same room; he ignores his body screaming at him thatby Alex’s side is where he belongs, fused to him until he can’t tell where onebegins and where the other ends. He focuses that energy on being a goodboyfriend to Maria and tells himself that sooner or later, he’ll feel that wayabout her. He likes her, he cares about her, and it doesn’t hurt when he looksat her, but it also doesn’t feel like a magnet is pulling him to her when they’retogether either. He tells himself it will come with time and that if by somechance it never does, well not all loves are meant to be all-consuming andencompassing.

He keeps telling himself this while hoping his face doesn’tshow the battle inside him. He smiles when he goes on dates with Maria. He worksat being friends with Alex like he asks after one last tiring fight. He makes aconscious effort not to clench his jaw when Alex starts dating some twink withblonde highlights, and to not sigh a breath of relief when the relationshiponly lasts a couple of weeks.

He ignores it all; he has self-control for once in his life,and it’s not bad, he tells himself.

But it’s not livewire under his skin.

Maria breaks up with him on a Tuesday as he sits in herempty bar.

He doesn’t say much; he just listens to her talk; he supposeshe owes her that much. He listens as she tells him that a relationship isn’t arelationship if only one person is in it. She tells him that she wants someonewho is passionate about her and that she knows that he will never be.

“You already have that with someone else, Guerin,” she says witha rueful smile. “There’s never going to be room for me in that head of yours,so let’s stop this before we make things worse.”

He wants to want to argue; he wishes so desperately fora moment that he could tell her that she’s wrong, that he’s moved on. Shesmiles again, this time more amused the way she does when he’s done somethingdumb but endearing to her.

“Can’t lie to a psychic,” she says softly. “I see it every timehe walks into a room, the way you want him,” she sighs. “No one has ever wantedme like that. I deserve that.”

Michael nods. “I’m sorry. I tried, Maria, really I did.”

“I know, Guerin,” Maria rolls her eyes, but there is softness in them. “You should go.”

Michael nods once more, picking up his hat as he gets up, hegives her one final apologetic look and starts to leave.

“He deserves to know, Guerin,” she calls out as he reachesthe door. He turns around to look at her as she continues. “He’s convincedhimself that you don’t feel that way anymore. Where you didn’t fool me, youfooled him.”

She gives him a searching look. “But you’re never going tostop feeling the way you feel, are you?”

Michael shakes his head, can’t lie to a psychic after all. Shelets a tear escape her eyes, and he thinks it’s for all three of them. Shewipes it away and gives him a challenging look.

“Then why are you wasting time, Michael?”

He leaves without answering her; he doesn’t have one anyway.Or more like he has one, and it comes down to fear.

He’s scared of getting hurt again; he scared of hurting Alexagain the way he knows he has. They’re finally friends, and it actually worksfor them, and he’s afraid of messing it up and losing him completely.

No, better to just keep ignoring the humming under his skin,he’s finally gotten good at it.

Of course, there is only so much ignoring he can do when thereason for the humming shows up at his place. He watches as Alex drives up tohis airstream a week later. He stays seated in his lawn chair, gripping the armreststo keep from launching himself out of it to cross the distance between them andpress Alex onto the hood of his car.

Alex fidgets under his gaze; it’s as surprising as always.Alex is usually so in control around everyone else; it eases something in hischest to know he’s not the only one lacking control.

“You can tell me to butt out,” he starts after a moment,putting his hands in his jacket pockets, before taking them out again. He has startedwearing rings again, and Michael watches as he plays with one. “But Mariacalled me, told me what happened and said you could use a friend.”

Michael raises an eyebrow at that. “That’s what she said?”

Alex looks away from him, and he catches a faint hint of pinkaround his neck. “It was a weird-ass conversation,” Alex tells him with a drysmile. “Me, trying to be a good friend to her as she goes through a break-up. Her,bluntly telling me to get off my ass and tell her now ex-boyfriend that I stilllove him.”

Michael inhales sharply at the confession, marveled by theman in front of him, ashamed that he’s ever thought of him even once as notbrave when he’s the bravest person he knows.

“Feeling like absolute shit at how happy I was when she toldme you guys were over,” Alex says, taking a few steps closer.

Michael stands, taking a step closer of his own.

“Hating how I was filled with hope,” Alex continues quietly,his dark eyes staring into Michael’s. “When she told me that there was a reasonto be hopeful. Is there a reason, Michael?”

Michael swallows hard, the humming in his skin, making itsing. “When you broke up with Forest, I wanted to throw a party,” Michael admits,half a smile on his face when Alex lets out a chuckle, his eyes shining. “Itried very hard not to be happy about it, but sometimes I just can’t controlmyself when it comes to you, no matter how much I try.”

“So stop trying,” Alex says desperately. “Stop trying, Michael,and I’ll stop too.”

Michael looks at him, at the hopeful love he sees on Alex’sface and knows his face is echoing it back by the gasp Alex lets out. They bothmove towards each other, hands gripping at clothes, foreheads pressed againsteach other as they hold on to one another.

“I’m scared,” Michael whispers, his mouth inches away fromAlex’s.

“Me too,” Alex confesses. “I’m scared we’ll screw it up.”

“Yeah.”

Alex pulls back, his hands cupping Michael’s face. “But I’mmore scared of going through life never feeling like this again.”

“You’re under myskin,” he whispers. “You’ve always been there even when I tried to pull you out.”

Alex drops his hands, but Michael holds on to him, makingsure Alex’s eyes are on him. “Turns out the reason I couldn’t pull you out was thatI didn’t want to,” he says, touching Alex’s face, his thumb at the corner ofAlex’s mouth. “I have you deep in the heart of me, Alex, because my heart belongsto you.”

When Alex kisses him, years of love and longing between thempouring out of them, the humming under his skin finally settles.

[strangest-loser]

How to date a teacher. Scott Clarke X Teacher! Reader

This was cute and my man Scott doesn't get nearly enough love

Also I'm sorry its late, school is hard.

Warnings: none it's just sweet.

---------------------------------------------------

Living in Hawkins was very different than living in New York City, this was something that Y/N Y/L/N was constantly reminded of everyday. But, she wanted to be a teacher and after deciding to move to Hawkins to be closer to her elderly mother after her father's passing, she decided a small town school might not be the worst place to do that.

She loved her school. Hawkins Middle was by no means a perfect school, but it held many gifted students for the multitude of subjects she taught. She remembers teaching Nancy Wheeler and her gift for writing in her 8th grade English class, Johnathan Byers in the photography club she headed and his brother Will in her art class. Dustin Henderson was her secret weapon in choir class and Lucas Sinclair and Max Mayfield were amazing at shop class, crafty with tools and such.

She truly adored her students and her job, and she was always most students favourite teacher, the only other teacher who took that spot was Scott Clarke, a science and math teacher.

The only thing their students wanted more than a longer summer vacation was for the two to get together.

Y/N was used to it by now, the endless giggles she heard whenever she and Scott chatted in the hallways and the playful looks that the young girls would throw her way whenever he came into her classroom looking for a student (Michael Wheeler more often than not). She was used to the whispers that would circle the staff room and the giggles that were in the playground. But, the joke was on them all.

"Miss Y/L/N, will you be supervising the Snow Ball again this year ?" Marie-Anne Roberts asked from behind her easel, the girls blonde hair wrapped up in a scrunchie atop her head, blue paint staining her cheeks. This got everyone else excited, having their favourite teacher supervising their favourite night of the school year is a good idea in their book. The woman in question simply smiled from her cupboard of paint tubes, every colour of the rainbow and then some sitting stacked neatly inside and replied that she in fact would not be able to attend. She had a date.

The entire class shook with gossip and soon the entire school was electric with the news of who was her mystery date. Teachers even whispered in their lounge about who their soft spoken, kind, pretty co-worker could be dating the night that she usually gave up to their middle school dance.

"You might have missed your chance Mr Clarke, word is Ms Y/L/N has a date on Friday night". Hearing this out of Dustin Henderson's mouth was not the first thing that Scott would have expected when the four boys stood at his desk Tuesday after class. He knew that the whole school was gunning for himself and the H/C woman to get together and it made him smile.

Giving Henderson a look of 'no more talking about this' definitely did the job as nothing else was said for their entire AV club meeting.

The week continued on at a slow pace with the kids excited for the dance and the teachers excited for their long weekend. Y/N just finished up with her clay sculpting class with her 6th graders when a sharp and familiar knock sounded through her classroom. Spinning on her converse clad feet she made eye contact with the familiar brunet science teacher and smiling at the familiar paper bag in his hand, Friday bagels for lunch, their tradition.

"Just let me wash the clay off my fingers Scotty." She called out walking over to the big sinks at the back of her classroom. She wore her long Hair up in a bun, tied with her favourite piece of cream lace. She looked completely at ease with the winter sun streaming through the windows. Their lunch was spent with a familiar chatter and friendly laughter. This was how they spent most of their days anyway, while recess was happening outside, they sat in their own little world.

"Don't you find it funny how much the students want us to get together" Scott asked her with a sneaking grin and Y/N only replied with a teasing smirk as she played with her silver necklace, the only jewelry she could wear as an art teacher who frequents clay and paint. Their lunch was eaten in a friendly atmosphere and friendly chatter.

Friday morning brought an electric atmosphere to the school. The art students from both middle and high schools were attending to the gym, blue streamers and white fake snow garlands being hung and lights being set, all under the guidance of Ms Y/L/N. While Mike, Lucas, Will and Dustin sat in their science class, ready to conduct an experiment involving heat and electricity.

"Now since metal is a conductor of electricity I have to make everyone wearing any piece of metal jewelry to take them off for this experiment" Mr Clarke spoke out to his class of mainly bored 7th graders, however, everyone snapped to attention when he reached around his neck and removed a silver chain... A silver chain that held a wedding band.

The entire room erupted with questions.

"Well I don't wear it during class because of the sheer amount of experiments we do, it could get ruined. Now, carrying on".

That evening was cold but clear. Not the kind of cold that makes you feel uncomfortable, but the kind that makes you feel refreshed and alive. The kind of cold that meant you could still wear a beautiful dress, as long as you didn't mind a chill. That was how Y/N Y/L/N was dressed walking down Main Street that evening, wearing an emerald green silk dress and shining, glittering silver heels and golden diamond ring glinting on her finger.

Opening the door into the Italian restaurant she made eye contact with him across the room before smiling her gorgeous smile and making her way across the room to her love and met him with a sweet kiss.

"Happy five year anniversary Scotty".

[aewriting]

Tuesday Treat - deleted scene from "I Know Nothing..."

Every Tuesday, I want to post a little treat - a few lines from a WIP, a behind the scenes peek at my thought process behind a fic, or even just some musings on entertainment I like - anything, really. 

Today, based on some very kind feedback I've gotten over the past few days, I'm going to post a deleted scene from "I Know Nothing Stays the Same."  I may eventually post this scene (and others) from the fic on AO3, but I'll put them on Tumblr for now.

Originally, this was going to be in Chapter 2, but it was already a mammoth chapter with a lot of tense shifting, and I decided to cut it.  Here it is now, though - enjoy!  This takes place on Alex's 21st birthday. 

***

Alex wrapped the patterned blanket tighter around them and snuggled close to Michael, just watching the little bonfire crackle merrily on the beach.  Michael tightened his arm around Alex and kissed his hair, still mussed from sex.  Alex had never felt closer to anyone. He gazed at Michael’s profile as Michael looked skyward, seemingly studying the moon, the stars. 

“You ever wonder if there’s more than just this?” Michael asked, so softly. 

“Just this?” Alex repeated, a little amused.  “I never imagined I’d get anything close to this, Michael,” he said, serious now.  He grasped Michael’s hand and kissed it. “I was so close to dead, but you… you helped me.”

Michael stroked his face.  “We helped each other.” He smiled down at Alex.  “Hey, um, can you wait here a second?  I need to get something.  In the truck.” Alex watched as Michael extricated himself from the blanket and slipped on his beat-up flip-flops.

“Seriously?” Alex laughed.  “No clothes?”

Michael shrugged.  “Beach is deserted.  Don’t need ‘em.”  He was at the truck now, rummaging around in the back.  “Besides, it would be inefficient. They’re just gonna come off again anyway.”

Alex smirked.  “True.”  He narrowed his eyes, trying to see what Michael was getting in the low light.  His eyes widened as Michael approached holding a guitar against his naked body.

“Michael…?” Alex said, uncertain.

“Happy birthday, Alex,” Michael said, a soft smile on his face.  “This is for you.” 

Alex reached out to run his hand along the smooth, beautiful instrument.  “We can’t afford this, Michael.” He took his hand away.  “You shouldn’t have.”

“Hey,” Michael said quietly.  “Don’t worry about it.  It was a steal.”

Alex looked alarmed. “Not literally, I hope?”

Michael laughed, easily.  “No, no.  You like it though?”  Alex nodded, more enthusiastically than he really meant to.  Michael noticed, laughed again. “Good, good.  Figured I owed you. You know.  For stealing your other one.”

“Don’t think I could have dreamed up a present like this,” he said, breathless.  “Or the presentation,” he said, raising an eyebrow at Michael.

Michael tried to feign nonchalance, but Alex could tell he was pleased by the attention.  “What can I say?  21’s a big birthday.”

Alex leaned in, cupped Michael’s face in his hand, and gave him a kiss, deep and lingering.  “Thank you, Michael,” he said, voice soft. 

“You’re welcome,” said Michael sincerely.  He pulled back, and his lips quirked into a smile. “You know, though, they say actions speak louder than words.”

“Then c’mere, you asshole, and I’ll thank you properly,” Alex laughed, unwrapping the blanket from his body.

[spaceskam]

14 for Roswell New Mexico

thank you! and thank you for waiting a week! I’ll add the ao3 link whenever I get the chance to post it over there. I hope you like it!

title tuesday instructions

tags/warnings: mentions of being hit by a car, vague descriptions of injuries, slight hurt/comfort, happy ending and light vibes

14. ad meliora [ao3]

Alex watched the way Michael’s chest rose as he took a deep breath.

He was pretty. More than pretty. Gorgeous. Genius. Funny. Amazing. A billion other things that Alex barely had the words for. And he was breathing and Alex thought that was an incredible plus, all things considered.

Alex reached out with a shaky hand and brushed his hair off his forehead, hating the way the sweat made it stick. No matter what Alex did, he kept sweating. That was apparently a good thing, sweating off his injury or whatever. That’s what Michael’s mom said and Alex definitely trusted her, but still. It made him nervous. 

“Hey,” Alex whispered, “If you’re hearing me, don’t wake up or anything, get your beauty sleep, I just want you to have good dreams. So imagine we’re laying in a field together and I’m braiding your hair with flowers. Dream about that and nothing bad, oaky?”

Alex wasn’t even sure why his parents were letting him in here, letting him touch him and talk to him. He was the reason Michael was hurt and he made that very, very clear, and yet his mom invited him over the second he got out of the hospital.

Alex’s eyes drifted down to the stitches on his swollen nose and his black eyes that came with it. He swallowed harshly and followed down to his arm that was in a big cast and then to his leg that was badly bruised but miraculously not crushed. The doctors said he got lucky that that was all that happened, but Alex’s guilt hadn’t faded.

“You’re so dumb, Guerin. Why would you do that?” Alex asked, voice cracking again. He didn’t want to cry in front of him, didn’t want to upset him, but he couldn’t help it. He took a deep breath and bowed his head on the bed, careful not to disrupt him.

“Alex, sweetheart,” Mrs. Nora’s voice called after a few minutes. Alex sat up straight and wiped his eyes, looking to the door where she was standing with a soft smile. “Did you eat anything for lunch?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“That’s not what I asked,” she prodded gently. Alex swallowed again and shook his head. “Alright, I’ll make you a sandwich while I make Michael’s soup. Turkey, mayo, and pickles, right?”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to,” he insisted. She shook her head.

“Don’t worry about it. Thank you for keeping him company, I’m sure he’s going to be excited to see you when he wakes up,” Mrs. Nora said softly, leaving the doorway. Alex sniffled and looked back to Michael.

“I know I’ve said it before, but your mom is nice,” Alex whispered, dragging his fingertips over the inside of his forearm. When he shifted, Alex pulled his hand away.

Alex said patiently with his immense guilt and worry as his breathing changed to alert that he was waking up. He wanted to hold his hand and assure him he wasn’t alone, but he had no idea what would classify as too much contact. He hadn’t seen Michael awake since he was laying on the concrete with his arm as an unnatural angle and a busted nose. What if he didn’t want to see him? What if he didn’t want him to come at all?

They’d been friends for a while now, but did that even matter after one friend pulls the other out of the way of a moving car and gets hit himself?

And, worse, did it even count when Alex’s feelings had been something more than friendly for months now?

Still, Alex waited by his bed as Michael slowly woke up, groaning and gasping when he moved the wrong way. Alex sat closer, waiting to help anyway he could. Michael opened his eyes slowly.

“Hi,” Alex whispered. Michael turned his head to face him just slightly. His eyes looked even worse when he was awake and it made it difficult for Alex to ignore how badly his face was fucked up. He was so pretty. This was cruel.

“My ass hurts,” Michael whined, shifting more but wincing when it just made it worse.

“I’m sorry. It’s probably because you’ve been laying down so much,” Alex offered, sniffling. Michael sighed, shifting just enough to look at Alex. All it did was make him tear up again. 

“Hey, stop that.”

“I can’t help it. I’m sorry. This is all my fault,” he said, wiping his face on his arm. Michael reached out with his good hand to grab Alex’s and brought it to his chest.

“It’s not your fault, you weren’t the one driving the car. Besides, I’d do it again,” Michael said like it was that easy. God, why did he have to say things like that?

“Yeah, well, fucking don’t. That was, like, super fucking traumatizing,” Alex insisted. Michael huffed a weak laugh, his thumb rubbing across Alex’s knuckles.

“It would’ve been traumatizing to stand by and do nothing while you got hit, so I guess we’re both traumatized no matter what,” Michael said, “Besides my dad is gonna sue their ass off.” Alex rolled his sore eyes and scooted a little closer.

“I guess I’ll just be careful to not walk into traffic next time,” Alex said.

“Eh, it’s alright. My dad is a bomb ass lawyer with bomb ass lawyer friends. We could make a career of lawsuits if you can stomach a broken bone here and there,” Michael teased. Alex smiled shakily.

“Did that concussion of yours make you think saying bomb ass was cool?” he asked. 

Michael scoffed and tugged on his hand until Alex came even closer. His hand went to the back of Alex’s head and led him to rest against his hip. He carded his fingers through his hair casually. Alex swallowed hard and tried not to think about him doing this in the back of his truck while they did homework. Tried not to think about how much he felt for him when he did things like this. How much he felt for him always. 

“I’m okay, Alex. Don’t be upset,” he whispered warmly. Alex squeezed his eyes shut.

“I’m trying.”

“I know,” Michael said warmly. Alex laid there, trying to keep his composure. He hated this so much. “Bright side. I always wanted a nose job.”

“No you didn’t,” Alex laughed softly.

“Yeah, you’re right, but, hey, not gonna complain I got one, you know?” Michael insisted. Alex squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head so his face was buried in his side. Michael’s hand stayed in his hair.

He was alive, he was breathing, he’d be okay. That’s all that mattered. Alex just had to keep reminding himself of that and keep hope that he could swallow the guilt for long enough to suffice.

Eventually, Mrs. Nora came back with soup and a sandwich and Alex sat up, trying not to seem too embarrassed that he’d just been laying on her very hurt son, but she didn’t even comment. She sat the tray down on his nightstand.

“Do you need help?” she asked. Michael groaned.

“Mom, I can eat by myself,” he said. Mrs. Nora rolled her eyes and kissed his head, letting him sink into the bed a bit more.

“Alex, you’ll help if he needs it, won’t you?”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Alex said, though he was sure she already knew that. She smiled easily.

“Alright,” she said, “Yell if you need anything.”

“Okay,” Michael said, “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Mrs. Nora left them alone again and Alex found himself staring at the food. He still wasn’t that hungry, but he was sure Michael was. He had been asleep for a long time.

“Do you need help sitting up?” Alex asked. Michael smiled sleepily at him.

“No, but I really don’t want soup again. I swear she thinks I injured my internal organs which I didn’t,” Michael said, pushing himself up slowly. He groaned quietly and took a few heavy breaths, so Alex quickly moved to stuff the pillows behind him to make it easier. He rested against them. “Thanks.”

“Do you want my sandwich and I’ll eat your soup?” Alex asked. Michael looked at him.

“Don’t just give me your food out of guilt.”

“I’m not,” he insisted, “I’m giving you my food due to me playing favorites.”

A tired smile slid across his face and Alex breathed a bit easier at the sight.

“Well if you insist.”

Alex carefully moved the soup out of the way without spilling it and then put the sandwich and napkin on Michael’s lap. He used his good hand to raise it to his mouth and he groaned again, only this time it wasn’t out of pain and that was good.

“You’re the best, Alex,” Michael said through a mouthful of food. Alex smiled and reached for the spoon to try and eat something. “Hey, you didn’t even tell me to close my mouth. Stop giving me pity. Or, like, at least if you’re gonna do something like call me pretty so my ego doesn’t fade while my face is fucked up.”

“You’re very pretty,” Alex said. Michael probably would never realize how much he meant that. “But also close your mouth.”

“That’s my boy,” Michael said matter-of-factly.

And, yeah, things would be okay. Michael would get better. And Alex was going to be there every step of the way.

[danidoesathing]

Dr. Corenthal is the dad of the Slenderverse AU Part 2: The Electric Boogaloo

HERE WE GO AGAIN LADS

IVE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR DAYS

I’m stealing a lot of ideas from my discord and Tim’s alters are from @jaysbabyknife

Some ideas from: @habitmorelikefuckyou, @benjamin-benny-ben, @cryptidalex, @jaysbabyknife and others (but I don’t have their urls)

I would like to preference this with the fact I do not have DID. If I get anything wrong I’m sorry, please let me know so I can change it.

So anywho, lets get onto the domestic headcanons

—————————————————

-This should be obvious but the Corenthal household is LGBT+ friendly!!! No homophobes and transphobes allowed thanks!!

-Evan and Alex play Overwatch and Forenight together a lot

-“DAD SAYS IT MY TURN TO USE THE XBOX”

-Steph collects bugs! She really likes them and finds them fascinating

-Milo still has Oscar the cat

-Stan has a little garden back behind the house

-Tim and Jay are dating because I said so

-There first date was them exploring the woods together, neither of them thought it was a date until Tim had the impulse to kiss him and he did and then went “K bye see you next time” and they’ve been dating ever sense

-The Corenthal household loves Jay, he’s practically one of my them at this point

-Jay has a bunch of lizards and rats and he bring them over from time to time

-One of them is named Jimothan and he’s a big baby

-Sunday movie nights with family. Friends and datefriends are allowed but if your corenthal’s kid you gotta be there

-Patrick and Michael share a room. They could have separate rooms but when Michael has a nightmare or panic attack (something that used to happen often) Patrick calms him down, and vice versa

-Tim reads a lot of books

-One of the rules of the house: If you see, think or even feel something wrong, you tell someone. It may be nothing, but it could be something

-Everyone still takes medication

-Alex reads a lot of comics and really like superhero movies

-Jeff isn’t really a fan but he’ll take Alex to see them anyway

-Alex dresses up as Spiderman for Halloween

-Tim works at a movie theater not too far from the house

-Roger dragging Vinnie out to the woods to search for Bigfoot and the Mothman

-Michael, Tim and Jeff both love music and play together sometimes

-Patrick still dresses in really fancy outfits whenever he can

-Stan is dating a girl from down the road named Susan

-They’re that cutesy couple who everyone hates for being too cute

-Tim has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

-“Masky” in this universe is name is Vendetta, Ven for short. He saw the movie once and said “that’s my name now”

-He’s selectively mute. He usually uses sign language

-He’s like.... a huge dork. Like he’s still feral and stuff but... he’s a major dork

-He tends to wonder the forest when he wants to be alone

-He’s got a huge crush on Jay. He keeps leaving jay wildflowers (with dirt and roots) and is like “DOES HE LIKE THEM??”

-He keeps wanting to hug and kiss him all the time and Tim is just like “please stop”

-Tim: “Alright we’re going to hang out with ja-“ Ven, forcing himself to the front: “JAY??? JAY?!? 💕JAY!!!”

-He and Jay have to talk by texting for a while

-Jay learning sign language so he can talk to Ven and Ven goes “!!!!!!”

-come on Jay how come you get two boyfriends

-Ven likes to walk around at odd hours. Tim will wake up at Burger King at 3:46 am and be like “Fuck”

-Loves!!! Rain!!!

-Halloween is his time

-Dr. Corenthal has to turn on tracking on his phone so he can find Tim when this happens

-He has a younger alter named Billy, who’s ten years old

-He is baby

-He makes fun of Tim a lot and loves armadillos

-He keeps trying to convince Jay to steal one from the zoo and Jay is so tempted

-Alex is excited because he’s not the youngest anymore!!!

-He wants Tim to be a cowboy for some reason

-Billy: “Dr. Corenthal can we get an armadillo and name it Sprinkles” Corenthal: “It kills me to say no but-“

-He helps Stan with his garden sometimes

-Billy also loves Sparky

-He has an alter named Mary and she is a mom

-She is very calm and respectful to everyone

-She’s so.... soft

-Protective af

-She and Dr. Corenthal like to sit and just talk

-She gets very worried whenever Evan has his knives out cause like... it’s dangerous and Christ he’s gonna hurt himSELF PUT IT DOWN

-She really likes to draw. She’s a really good artist

-Mary would like.... die for this family

-Her favorite band is The Oh Hellos

-Tim: *stays up until 1am watching Netflix eating drunk food* Mary, on the verge of tears: “Please.... just go to bed”

-All of Tim’s alters love Jay. All of them

-When Dr. Corenthal found out Tim had DID he was like “Great!!! More kids!!!”

-Brian will come over a lot and play with Alex

-D&D nights on Tuesdays

-Stan tutors a 3rd grader named Willow from down the road

-Milo still writes in his journal

-Noah really likes photography

-The Rake is there but he’s not... evil or anything he’s just.... there

-Alex and him can talk like, telepathically kinda of

-Alex puts little hats and stuff on the Rake and he’s cool with it

-Milo and Noah will go out at weird times, like they leave at 2am for milkshakes because they just want milkshakes

-Patrick is the go to man for events outfits. He’s got a top notch fashion sense

-Of course living in a house full of people that mostly wear hoodies and flannel gives him a headache

-Once when Alex was 8 he convinced Jeff to perform in his school’s talent show. Jeff really didn’t want to do it but he wanted to make Al happy

-The whole family showed up and were so proud of them

-VERY LOVING AND HAPPY FAMILY