#anyway i'm tired. can't even talk of my heartbreak to what i thought was a safe space

[rapha-reads]

That moment when you jokingly ask your friend group on Insta why none of them are following Motaz Azaiza and send them a few posts about Palestine that could interest them, even though none of them has said a single word in support in three months, and one of your oldest friend immediately react all offended, saying that they can follow who they want and they don't have to report to me, and also this isn't the place to talk about the "conflict", and not everybody has the same opinions.

... Tell me you support IsraHell without telling me you support Isntreal.

And if I'm not supposed to talk about this genocide that's breaking my heart and making me cry for the past 3 months with my friend group of 10 years, then with whom the FUCK am I supposed to talk to? The walls? The void?

[snowysakusa]

going down the brocedes rabbit hole pretty quickly, so i decided to make a taylor swift playlist-

can i call this a brocedes fic with taylor swift lyrics? cause it kinda is just that... anyway lets get down to it.

okay how about:

invisible string Cornelia Street Sweet Nothings Maroon champagne problems tolerate it coney island peace exile All Too Well (10 Min) The Archer The Great War Say Don't Go this is me trying You're Losing Me my tears ricochet Breathe Is It Over Now? The Way I Loved You I Bet You Think About Me Now That We Don't Talk

Here's the 'story'

1. invisible string / like a prologue (lewis' version perhaps)

Time, curious time Gave me no compasses, gave me no strings Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All long there was some Invisible string Tying you to me? Time, mystical time Cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me? A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you (...) Time, wondrous time Gave me the blues and then purple pink skies And it's cool, baby, with me And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me?

unrelated to this narrative but: Cold was the steel of my axe to grind For the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents (literally lewis sending presents to nico's daughters, i screamed)

2. Cornelia Street / Lover song, can't imagine it ending, prologue 2 (nico's version)

We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home (...) Memorize the creaks in the floor Back when we were card sharks, playing games I thought you were leading me on I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street Before you even knew I was gone But then you called, showed your hand I turned around before I hit the tunnel Sat on the roof, you and I (...) Walk me back to that apartment Years ago, we were just inside Barefoot in the kitchen Sacred new beginnings That became my religion, listen I hope I never lose you I'd never walk Cornelia Street again Oh, never again (...) That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend

3. Sweet Nothings / Beginnings, sweet nothings leading them on

I spy with my little tired eye Tiny as a firefly A pebble that we picked up last July Down deep inside your pocket We almost forgot it Does it ever miss Wicklow sometimes? They said the end is coming Everyone's up to something I find myself running home to your sweet nothings Outside, they're push and shoving You're in the kitchen humming All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more" To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it

4. Maroon / They're loosing themselves here, the start of hurting each other

The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon When the silence came, we were shaking blind and hazy How the hell did we lose sight of us again? Sobbin' with your head in your hands Ain't that the way shit always ends? You were standin' hollow-eyed in the hallway Carnations you had thought were roses, that's us I feel you no matter what The rubies that I gave up

5. Champagne Problems / consequences, mellowness, public view of their feud

You booked the night train for a reason So you could sit there in this hurt Bustling crowds or silent sleepers You're not sure which is worse Because I dropped your hand while dancing Left you out there standing Crestfallen on the landing Champagne problems You had a speech, you're speechless Love slipped beyond your reaches And I couldn't give a reason Champagne problems Your Midas touch on the Chevy door November flush and your flannel cure "This dorm was once a madhouse" I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me" How evergreen, our group of friends Don't think we'll say that word again And soon they'll have the nerve to deck the halls That we once walked through One for the money, two for the show I never was ready, so I watch you go Sometimes you just don't know the answer 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you "She would've made such a lovely bride What a shame she's fucked in the head, " they said But you'll find the real thing instead She'll patch up your tapestry that I shred

6. tolerate it / nico pov, he's had it, begging for acknowledgement

I sit and watch you reading with your head low I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed I sit and watch you I greet you with a battle hero's welcome I take your indiscretions all in good fun I sit and listеn While you were out building other worlds, where was I? Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire? I made you my temple, my mural, my sky Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life Drawing hearts in the byline Always taking up too much space or time You assume I'm fine, but what would you do if I Break free and leave us in ruins Took this dagger in me and removed it Gain the weight of you then lose it Believe me, I could do it If it's all in my head, tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it

7. coney island / lewis pov, doesn't understand what changed, grief towards the relationship

Break my soul in two looking for you But you're right here If I can't relate to you anymore Then who am I related to? Did I close my fist around something delicate? Did I shatter you? And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island Wondering, "Where did my baby go?" The fast times, the bright lights, the merry-go Sorry for not making you my centerfold Do you miss the rogue Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care? 'Cause we were like the mall before the internet It was the one place to be The mischief, the gift-wrapped suburban dreams Sorry for not winning you an arcade ring And when I got into the accident The sight that flashed before me was your face But when I walked up to the podium I think that I forgot to say your name When the sun goes down The sight that flashed before me was your face When the sun goes down But I think that I forgot to say your name Over and over

8. peace / decisions and confessions

Our coming-of-age has come and gone Suddenly the summer, it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darling 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough? But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

9. exile / conflict within themselves

I can see you standing, honey With his arms around your body Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now? You were my town Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before I can see you starin', honey Like he's just your understudy Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending I'm not your problem anymore So who am I offending now? You were my crown Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before So I'm leavin' out the side door So step right out, there is no amount Of crying I can do for you All this time We always walked a very thin line You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

10. All Too Well (10 Min) / Recap of everything that went down, trip down memory lane, receipts for combat (11. the archer)

And I, left my scarf there at your sister's house And you've still got it in your drawer even now And I can picture it after all these days And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me Your cheeks were turning red You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team You told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me 'Til we were dead and gone and buried Check the pulse and come back swearing, it's the same After three months in the grave And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you But all I felt was shame And you held my lifeless frame And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to 'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light And there we are again when nobody had to know You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath And maybe we got lost in translation Maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well And you call me up again just to break me like a promise So casually cruel in the name of being honest I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'Cause I remember it all, all, all Too well They say all's well that ends well But I'm in a new hell every time You double-cross my mind The idea you had of me, who was she? A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel Whose shine reflects on you That's what happened: You You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes Sippin' coffee like you're on a late-night show But then he watched me watch the front door all night Willin' you to come And he said: It's supposed to be fun Turning 21 Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again But I'm still trying to find it But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence And it smells like me You can't get rid of it 'Cause there we are again when I loved you so Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known It was rare, I was there I remember it all too well And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too? 'Cause in this city's barren cold I still remember the first fall of snow And how it glistened as it fell I remember it all too well Just between us, did the love affair maim you all too well? Just between us, do you remember it all too well?

11. The Archer / pre-climax

Combat, I'm ready for combat I say I don't want that, but what if I do? 'Cause cruelty wins in the movies I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you Easy they come, easy they go I jump from the train, I ride off alone Dark side, I search for your dark side But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here? I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost The room is on fire, invisible smoke And all of my heroes die all alone Help me hold onto you I've been the archer I've been the prey Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay? Can you see right through me? They see right through me I see right through me All the king's horses, all the king's men Couldn't put me together again 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends Help me hold onto you I've been the archer I've been the prey Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay? You could stay Combat, I'm ready for combat

12. The Great War / self explanatory, climax. screaming, crying, throwing up (but well see 13 & 14)

My knuckles were bruised like violets Sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep-talked Tore your banners down, took the battle underground And maybe it was ego swinging You drew up some good faith treaties I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone You said I have to trust more freely But diesel is desire, you were playin' with fire And maybe it's the past that's talkin' Screamin' from the crypt Tellin' me to punish you for things you never did So I justified it It turned into something bigger Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed Your finger on my hair pin triggers Soldier down on that icy ground Looked up at me with honor and truth Broken and blue, so I called off the troops That was the night I nearly lost you I really thought I lost you There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair And we will never go back To that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, the worst was over My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War Always remember Uh-huh, we're burned for better I vowed I would always be yours 'Cause we survived the Great War

13. Say Don't Go / turnaround

I've known it from the very start We're a shot in the darkest dark I'm standin' on a tightrope alone I hold my breath a little bit longer Halfway out the door, but it won't close I'm holdin' out hope for you to Say, "Don't go" I would stay forever if you say, "Don't go" Now I'm pacin' on shaky ground Strike a match, then you blow it out Oh no, oh no, it's not fair Why'd you have to (why'd you have to) Make me want you (make me want you)? Why'd you have to (why'd you have to) Give me nothin' back? Why'd you have to (why'd you have to) Make me love you (make me love you)? I said, "I love you" (I said, "I love you") You say nothin' back Why'd you have to lead me on? (Oh) Why'd you have to twist the knife? Walk away and leave me bleedin', bleedin'? Why'd you whisper in the dark Just to leave me in the night? Now your silence has me screamin', screamin' go" I would stay forever if you say, "don't go" But you won't, but you won't, but you won't

14. this is me trying / nico, post-retirement-ish, rough patch, regrets

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that I just wanted you to know That this is me trying They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here Pouring out my heart to a stranger But I didn't pour the whiskey And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town And I just wanted you to know That this is me trying (...) At least I'm trying

15. You're Losing Me / the end, melancholy, relationship finale pt.1, friends? we're not friends vibes

You say, "I don't understand, " and I say, "I know you don't" Do I throw out everything we built or keep it? I'm getting tired even for a phoenix Always risin' from the ashes Mendin' all her gashes You might just have dealt the final blow Stop, you're losin' me I can't find a pulse My heart won't start anymore For you 'Cause you're losin' me How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'? I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick And the air is thick with loss and indecision I know my pain is such an imposition And you know what they all say You don't know what you got until it's gone How long could we be a sad song 'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life? I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier Fighting in only your army Frontlines, don't you ignore me You're losin' me Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me I can't find a pulse My heart won't start anymore

16. my tears ricochet / the final blow, relationship finale pt.2, dead and gone and buried

If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'Til my dying day And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet You know I didn't want to have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene You wear the same jewels that I gave you As you bury me I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same Cursing my name, wishing I stayed You turned into your worst fears And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain Crossing out the good years

17. Breathe / cause and effect, acceptance

I see your face in my mind as I drive away, 'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way But it's killing me to see you go after all this time Now I don't know what to be without you around And we know it's never simple, Never easy Never a clean break, no one here to save me You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve And sometimes it doesn't work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out I can't, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to

18. Is it Over? / resentment, bitterness, both sides, in your face type of vibes

I slept all alone You still wouldn't go And did you think I didn't see you? There were flashing lights At least I had the decency To keep my nights out of sight Only rumors 'bout my hips and thighs Was it over then? And is it over now? When you lost control Red blood, white snow Blue dress on a boat Your new girl is my clone Let's fast forward to three hundred awkward blind dates later If she's got blue eyes, I will surmise that you'll probably date her You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor You search in every model's bed for something greater Oh, Lord, I think about Jumping off of very tall somethings Just to see you come running And say the one thing I've been wanting But no

19. The Way That I Loved You / reminiscing, flashbacks

He is sensible and so incredible And all my single friends are jealous He says everything I need to hear, and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better He respects my space And never makes me wait And he calls exactly when he says he will He's close to my mother Talks business with my father He's charming and endearing And I'm comfortable He can't see the smile I'm faking And my heart's not breaking 'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all And you were wild and crazy Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated Got away by some mistake and now I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain It's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name I'm so in love that I acted insane And that's the way I loved you Breaking down and coming undone It's a roller coaster kind of rush And I never knew I could feel that much And that's the way I loved you

20. I Bet You Think About Me / again with the reminiscing of the past, their lives, a bit of knife digging in the wound, I bet you think about me while thinking about them, double sided sword there

3 a.m. and I'm still awake, I'll bet you're just fine Well, I tried to fit in with your upper-crust circles Yeah, they let me sit in back when we were in love Oh, they sit around talkin' 'bout the meaning of life And the book that just saved 'em that I hadn't heard of But now that we're done and it's over I bet you couldn't believe When you realized I'm harder to forget than I was to leave And I bet you think about me You grew up in a silver-spoon, gated community Glamorous, shiny, bright Beverly Hills I was raised on a farm, no, it wasn't a mansion Just livin' room dancin' and kitchen table bills But you know what they say, you can't help who you fall for And you and I fell like an early spring snow The voices so loud sayin', "Why did you let her go?" Does it make you feel sad That the love that you're lookin' for Is the love that you had? Now you're out in the world, searchin' for your soul Scared not to be hip, scared to get old Chasing make-believe status, last time you felt free Was when none of that shit mattered 'cause you were with me I bet you think about me in your house With your organic shoes and your million-dollar couch I bet you think about me

21. Now That We Don't Talk / they still check in on each other, instead of talking, the end

You went to a party I heard from everybody You part the crowd like the Red Sea Don't even get me started Did you get anxious though On the way home? You grew your hair long You got new icons You didn't have to change But I guess I don't have a say I call my mom, she said that it was for the best Remind myself the more I gave, you'd want me less I cannot be your friend So I pay the price of what I lost And what it cost I don't have to pretend I like acid rock Or that I'd like to be on a mega yacht With important men who think important thoughts Guess maybe I am better off Now that we don't talk And the only way back to my dignity Was to turn into a shrouded mystery Just like I had been when you were chasing me Guess this is how it was to be Now that we don't talk

i tried to make this short- i tried and did not succeed.

when i listen to songs i see stories and i connect them, all that jazz. I saw this.

i apologise to everyone who's normal about brocedes, im not apparently.

[noemitenshi]

Do you have an ultimate all time fave Troy scene that you could gush about forever?

Oh god that's such a difficult question. Honest answer would be 'no' because I just cannot choose. I have *so many* favorite Troy scenes that I love to go on and on about. Like, really, I think every ep he is in, I've got at least(!!) one scene I could gush about. I mean, I can't even tell you which ep I love him most in.

Though I do have at least two eps my mind goes to first when asked for favorite Troy scenes - ep 9 and ep12. And again, there's a lot of scenes to love in there but I think most about ep 9 is the confrontation with Madison (and, of course, stabbing his hand on Klah's knife. gotta love that enthusiasm). He's so vulnerable during it, like we get another little puzzle piece of his rich inner life that he keeps so closely guarded (ok or maybe it's also that he wasn't really a hm POV character or someone we should sympathize with that's why his... reasoning or motivation for a lot of things stayed hidden from us 🤷‍♀️). Anyway, the way he says "is that guilt" and "you let *your son* shoot him" (im obsessed) jesus there's a lot going on there. It seems like betrayal a bit (see also "i thought you were cold-blooded"). Also note how he's more fixated/upset over that part, Nick (and not Madison!) shooting Jeremiah instead of, you know, Jeremiah having been shot/murdered.

Also the infamous "I don't surrender" line, I mean, that's Troy in a nutshell, isn't it? No matter what is thrown his way, no matter how people treat him, he tries and tries again. He does so with Madison (I mean, right before she kills him he tries to move past all that shit right, tries again to connect with her), he also did so with his father, staying loyal to him, obedient, through all that abuse and humiliation and belittlement. I think the same is also true for his relationship with Jake, even though the cracks there can be seen, and also for his relationship with the people on the ranch at large. They talk about him, too, but he still protects them - I mean until he led the horde there, of course. But by that point he was dealing with a lot - his father's death, his own exile, Madison's 'betrayal'.... Anyway, I don't surrender, that is so very Troy. And maybe sometimes he'd like to surrender, give up and be done with everything but that's just not in his nature. Probably why he can't kill himself. Why he also keeps going, when Nick tells him "you can sleep when you're dead". Try, try again, even when people keep beating him down. Downright endearing if it weren't so heartbreaking.

Anyway, ep 9. The scene with Madison. I got distracted. The way he goes "hi" after he's done hitting Klah. The way he kept jabbing at her over Jeremiah's death "You hit your quota?" when she tells him "no more killing" (hahahah makes me laugh every time). The way the gun does not impress him at all. Just casually walking up to her. Mostly sure she won't kill him but I think he wouldn't have minded if she had, either. The voice break when he tells her "i know what you did". The expression he makes when he asks "and why wasn't it" after she goes "It should've been me". There's that betrayal. Sadness. Ok maybe also because his dad died. Maybe because they kept it from him. Maybe because she didn't ask *him* to do it.

And then, the very incomprehensible (he is the one that isn't comprehending. but then also he is. this is how it always goes, why would it be different with madison) "i thought you wanted me with you". As he asks he knows already she doesn't. But again, he's trying as much as he can, to get through to her. Until the heartbreaking "I'm tired. I'm so tired." That's probably as close as he gets in asking for help. He did it with Nick too later, in ep 12 ("I need sleep" he told him but he meant rest). He thought he'd die and these people just refuse to get the job done and so he has to live, live with all this loss and he just, he needs a break. So desperately that he says one of the most vulnerable things (so far). "Im so tired." Unfortunately Madison either doesn't hear it, or, more likely, doesn't think she can give in to that (no wonder, he did just attack her after all). And when that fails, this cry for help (in like Troy-speak), he goes. What else is there to do? He'll go and survive because that's what he does.

---

Now, ep 12, I love the confrontation between Jake and Troy (the little convo in between, between Nick and Troy - "murder, you really wanna go there, nick?" "still ricocheting in your skull, nick?" "you tell it best, nick. I don't want to steal your thunder" "don't say sorry to me, say sorry to him". It's lovely, all of it). And then of course the sibling confrontation. Also very lovely. We see Jake finally giving in to what he's wanted to do for a long time, I wager. He has been fed up with Troy since ep 1 (and before that too, I'm sure. Their interactions do tease a history between them).

"I love that sound" - also very much a contender for favorite line. Also gotta admit I thought he'd say something different (and more uh x-rated) when he went "I love that sound some love when a ball hits the fat of a bat, you know" Anyway, just another reminder that Troy loves all things to do with danger and control. (And I don't even think this has to be in the obvious way, where he loves to be in control, though I'm sure he does. But that he also loves the loss of it when in danger. When at the recieving end of a gun (you best believe I've got a story for this, too, 'fool me twice'... I'm sorry, I cannot stop the shameless self promotion....))

Also I just noticed, how he says "It's eviction or extinction" and you know who else got famously uhm evicted. Adam and Eve. So yeah, when he says "this is biblical" to Nick, the night before, to warn him, he really means it like that.

And then the bit between the two brothers. How Jake tries to impress upon Troy he'll really kill him "I'll shoot you brother, I will" and how Troy *doesn't even hesitate* to pull the trigger himself, almost like saying "fucking do it then". Or he is mocking him. Probably both, considering it's Troy. And he was right, wasn't he, to be mocking. Because Jake doesn't kill him (yet). But Troy tries to rile him up further. He almost sounds panicked in a way, but not in fear of his life. Maybe in fear of Jake *not* going through with it after all.

And then their whole rabbit bit, how Troy looks at Jake while he goes "rabbits they, they scream like human beings", that calculating look. How he interrupts Jake with this mocking laugh and a "oh, tell me about the rabbits" Jake is totally ignoring Troy's interruption, going "I still protected him" and Troy telling him "You left me, brother." And then Jake again, insistently "I always protected you!" and Troy isn't saying anything to that but he doesn't look amused anymore. God I wish Nick would've shut up so we'd really get into their grievances between the brothers. But sadly (or maybe not so sadly haha) he wanted to save Troy because he was feeling guilty about killing his dad. And it gave Troy the perfect opportunity to torture Nick about this, also very enjoyable. All in all, a great interaction all around.

Oh and of course the "you thinking of checking out? we could do it together" has me chanting death-wish, death-wish, death-wish hahahaha. I do think he'd have liked it to go together with his brother. It's sweet somehow. In a way it feels like he wants to help his brother on this journey. Like, then his death means something. And then how he licks his lips when Jake gets ready to shoot him. Is it anticipation, fear? Who knows. Would love to ask Daniel about it...

AND ALSO THE TITLE 'Brother's Keeper', that's a biblical phrase “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Cain said to God when God asked him where Abel was (and Cain had killed him). So I wonder, is Jake Cain then? I mean Jake *does* die and Cain, well, famously does not. But then, it's not Troy that kills Jake. It's Nick hitting Jake before Jake can kill Troy. Would Jake have even killed Troy? I'm not sure. I'm just sure that Troy would rather have died himself than seeing Jake die... anyway, "Am I my brother's keeper" I think this question taken at face value is actually Jake's gripe with Troy. That he feels he is made responsible (probably from a young age, given the little glimpse into the past we got via those video tapes) for keeping Troy in check. While, I imagine, Troy doesn't really listen to Jake (and Jake has no real power over Troy so he can reinforce his will), so a thoroughly frustrating experience for Jake, all in all. And yes, maybe this, assembling a horde and leading it to the ranch, would've given him enough motivation to be able to uhm enforce his will. But maybe not. I guess that's me saying, love the title, love also how we get a bit more insight into the brotherly relationship. Though I *so* wish we got into it even more. Like what did Troy mean when he said "Oh, tell me about the rabbits". Sounds like there's a story there (and yes I did try to imagine it in my story 'childhood memories').

This was a lovely ask, I enjoyed answering it. Thank you so much and have a great day 🧡

Also, I hope it's ok to invite people to jump in, if they feel like it, and share their favorite Troy scene. I'm so very curious 👀 gimme, gimme (also don't feel the need to ramble on like I did hahaha, though if you want to, have at it!)

[stephaniebrownslover]

MY EVİL WAYS BY THE NEARLY DEADS İS SOOOO CLOCKWORK CODED

Just my ramblings about how I view Clockwork, nothing important.

"My thoughts are twisted, wrong and wicked"

Alright, I think Clockwork knows how wicked and wrong her thoughts are and she hates it. But still, she knows she can't change her mind and can't undo the past even though she wants it more than anything she has ever wanted. She knows normal people won't think the way she does and she hates herself because of this. She also feels so alone since she thinks she's the only one on this way.

It's one of the canon facts that the thing she most wants is a good family like other kids. Although she won't admit it, she regrets her actions and wants to change them.

"I've found you, let's have some fun"

This part can be referred to as Toby to my humble opinion. When she found Toby, she felt like she finally found someone like her. And obviously, she would prefer having fun time with him rather than crying over their past.

"Calling me strange gives me confidence/ 'Cause I take it as a compliment"

Clockwork is used to calling as bad names so she wouldn't have any problem with hearing more bad words. She had a real hard school and home life, she heard words such as weirdo and creep daily if we consider the fact that she was a little bit of a strange minded kid.

"Maybe I'll change my evil ways"

As I mentioned, Natalie wants to change herself. She wants to be a better person, at least a better person than Clockwork. She would prefer changing her wicked ways if she was really given a chance about it.

"Stop taking shots one of these days"

To be honest, I have no idea what taking shots means so I searched it in slang and found this definition.

Taking shots: to make a critical or hurtful remark about someone

Well, Clockwork is a mean person and if she wants to get along with other people, she also needs to change the way she speaks. Idk.

"I'll settle down, I'll rearrange"

As I said, she wants to change herself and the first step that goes this way is settling down and reconsidering her actions. This is why she would add them to her to do list.

"Maybe I'll learn from my mistakes"

We all know that she's a really reckless person. So I'm just assuming but Clockwork tends to repeat some of her mistakes. Since she's really careless and uninterested in many things, she would do the same thing until it hurts her really bad. And she hates it but she doesn't do anything to change it.

"Stop breaking hearts, forgetting names"

She's a true heartbreaker lol

To be more serious, she broke lots of hearts on purpose or accidentally. And I also can see how she can forget names easily because of the fact that Clockwork is really hateful and neglectful towards the people. And doing both these things should be on her list to change her major personality traits.

"I'll settle down and act my age"

She doesn't usually act like her age because of not living her teenage years like how it supposed be.

"One of those days, but not today"

Yeah, she really wants to change herself. But she's not sure if changing herself would make her more likeable or not and she doesn't really have any motivation to do this. She already crossed the line and there is no way turning back from this road. So this is more like a dream to her, the kind of dream where you desire it more than anything but also know you can't do anything to achieve it so you keep delay and delay until it's too late.

She knows all too well that her dream is meaningless but if she gave up on that, she would have no reason to keep going. Her life would be meaningless without a purpose, just like how she lived in her childhood.

I'm really tired so please act like I explained everything precisely.

I talked nonsense probably but I'm too exhausted to understand that.

Anyways, thanks for coming my Ted Talk

[booksandria]

the song of fury - thoughts on Homer's Iliad

spoiler alert!

"I have endured what no one on earth has ever done before – I put my lips to the hands of the man who killed my son."  | "Priam at the feet of Achilles", Jérôme-Martin Langlois.

After a month, I finally finished reading the Iliad. What a book, everyone! Although it's quite a tiring read, it's very obvious why it's a classic. It's a little funny to do a spoiler alert of a 3000+ old book, but beware anyways lol.

(btw i'm once again writing this in portuguese and translating it to english, sorry for any weird wording and grammar mistakes)

The tale of this piece on time of the ninth year of the Trojan War, which opens with the beginning of Achilles' fury until the moment when it is appeased, is heartbreaking, mainly because it is such a vivid portrayal of the horrors of war. How many were the victims of that war in the 24 books of the Iliad, and how many in all the other years that the poem leaves out? It's moving in every sense, and becomes even more impactful considering the context we're living in, with two wars going on in the world.

It's necessary to point out that a large part of the reason it's such a tiring book to read is because it has such a different formula from what we're used to: because it has an oral presentation context, there are many repetitive and formulaic parts that can be hard to swallow at times. Honestly, at every battle book I had the impression that I was reading the same thing over and over within 500 pages. Interestingly, despite this, I still felt quite involved in the battles, especially those that take place after book 9. You can feel the desperation on both sides of the war emanating from the pages, as if you were there in the middle of the battle. It's an intensity that can't be explained.

Of course, you can't talk about the Iliad without mentioning its most important character: Hector. There's no greater tragedy than reading this man in battle giving his all, convinced that he was going to win the war and be able to protect his city and his family, while we know exactly what's going to happen and that there's no escaping it. There's no other way the war can go, even if we want it to. It was inevitable that Patroclus would return to battle after seeing his companions massacred and that, manipulated by the divine will, he would go after the Trojans and sign his own death warrant. It was inevitable that Hector would kill Patroclus the first chance he got, doing literally the only thing that would make Achilles return to battle and also signing his own death warrant. And of course, it's inevitable that Achilles would kill Hector after everything and that, being who he is, that wouldn't be enough to calm his anger and ease his grief. Achilles' fury was simply inevitable. You can't escape the fate given by the gods, no matter what you do.

By the way, it's worth persevering through the fatigue that can take you up to book 15 precisely because, from book 16 onwards, it's simply impossible to stop reading. The battle around Sarpedon's body, then the chase to Troy, Patroclus' battle with Hector, the battle around Patroclus' body. Girl, you can't put the book down, I swear! From that point on, I just couldn't stop reading or crying. It was much worse to read Achilles' reaction to learning of his companion's death than it was to read Patroclus' death itself. The rage is suddenly not just rage, but the pain so deep and so suffocating of losing the person you love most in the world. Achilles knows he's going to die after killing Hector, but it doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matters is avenging Patroclus, whatever the cost.

The sad thing is that Hector doesn't know what fate has in store for him. Hector doesn't know that he has just planted the seed of his own death. It's horrible to read the chase around Troy, it's horrible to read Athena deceiving Hector. Imagine you're about to die in battle because you know you can't face the storm that is the guy who wants to kill you, and then you have a quick hope that you'll survive because your brother has come to your rescue. Except he didn't, it was a goddess making you believe he did so that her will would be done. Absolutely horrible! I don't even know if I need to comment that all I could think about was the scene in book 6 where he meets his wife and little boy. Literally the last time they see each other, and neither of them knows it.

The thing is, Iliad is a sad book. It's refreshing and funny and exciting, but above all it's a sad book. And that's what interesting about it's ending, because it is still sad, even if in nature its hopeful. Priam goes to beg Achilles for his son's body and Achilles, deeply moved by him, agrees. The fury meets its end and merciless Achilles finds in himself to have mercy of this old man who could have been his father, because it will be his father right in the next year, grieving the child lost in battle. Hector can finally rest, an ending to all that death and all that pain we read for 24 books.

Except it isn't. Troy will still fall, fathers will still lose their lives, wives and kids will either meet their death or be forced into slavery. Priam's city will be lost forever, we just don't see it here. So, just like the trojans, we're allowed this brief moment of peace, though we both know it will end soon.

After a month digesting this book, I can't say anything other than how marvellous it is, the kind of book everyone should read at least once in their lives. I have to say, though, that there's still a bitter taste left in my mouth after reading this one because, as I said before, its harder to read it while we're living two major wars in the world right now. I just hope that this book story remains just a book story and we can see a different outcome in real life. We have to. Unlike in Iliad where fate is woven by gods, this is a man-made horror. We can put an end to it.

[sepyana]

Jjba Stardust Crusaders Ep. 45 - FINALE Thoughts

God. Fuck.

Under the cut.

Ep. 45

This is the least insane episode of the four we have.

So, the episode starts with Polnareff and Dio. The whole sequence is just Dio toying with him. He could have killed him 100 times over. Dio's ego is actively making things harder for himself.

I love the crew bring absolutely horrified and jumping out of the window. The sun is setting so they don't have much time.

Joseph's plan of hiding till dawn makes sense to me. Polnareff and Kakyoin object though, I get why. They both have been used by Dio, Polnareff saw Advol and Iggy get murdered in front of him.

The group splits in two, though we end up mostly focusing on Kakyoin and Joseph. The chase sequence is nice. All the info they get is about the physical stand, unfortunately.

Ep. 46

Kakyoin has a plan to find out Dio's ability.

The episode starts with with a childhood flashback and yeah... I pretty much accepted he was gonna die at this point. You know how it is with jjba.

Really interesting flashback. It confirms me saying he was a lonely kid as true. He feels alone because no one can see Hierophant Green. "How can they understand me if they cant even see the real me." He thinks of his stand as a part of him from a young age. A stand is a part of one's soul. In a way, his stand is the reason why he feels so alone but also his companion. I was under the impression having a stand was something that runs in the family. I thought at least his family could understand but we never learn if that was the case (most likely not). Also, how rare is a stand anyway? 2%, 0.01%? Makes you think.

Our crew were people with stands, I imagine this was the first time he could connect with people.

Kakyoin's plan is to make Hierophant invisible, surround the area with tendrils to hopefully detect Dio's stand. It goes so horribly wrong.

This entire section is me talking about Kakyoin's death and it's so long. just skip it if you don't wanna hear all that. I had fun puking my thoughts straight into paper (keyboard?? Screen?) tho.

There is heroic and everything and then in a split second Kakyoin crashes to a water dam nearby with half of his stomach gone. Not showing the World at first was a great choice imo. Just shows how horrifying this stand is to our characters.

This scene is fucking heartbreaking. He has pretty much accepted he was gonna die, thinking about his family. He uses his last breath to help the Joestars. Despite being a crybaby, I don't cry watching tv shows all that much. This one got me tho, I'm getting really sad just writing.

When you kill of a character you destroy any potential plots and writing you can have with them in the future for one single gut punch (sorry). When you are writing it's measuring a characters potential vs the impact of their death.

I can't say if he would fit well into later parts because I haven't watched them yet. What I can say is, Kakyoin got what he wanted, friends. He is still not mature yet, he is 17 for fucks sake, but him finding friends for once and not feeling lonely anymore was his main storyline.

I can understand why he was killed. I do this was a good choice for his character, compared to making him an minor side character for the later parts. His death is done really well. Only thing I would change is the music. It's a bit corny imo.

And you can't deny his death wasn't in vain. There was no way in hell's chance Jotaro would have beaten Dio otherwise. He plays a huge part in Dio's demise. They could have gone for a a vain death, Kakyoin is the closest we have to an heroic archetype. They could have gone for a tragic death instead because of this. I'm glad they didn't. It's not like unfair deaths couldn't be done well (They could be even better than the standard sacrifice when done well), it's just that I'm tired of seeing heroic characters die unfairly all the time nowadays.

I personally am a big fan characters who had their character arc already be a part of later parts as a supporting character. Either having a different storyline or being a source of stability. I was hoping Kak would have that instead but Jotaro fills that quota better than he does. You could have both as a duo if you felt like it though.

All of this is also why I didn't like Advol's death all that much. At least that's why I think I don't like it. I like Advol almost as much as Kakyoin but his death left me frustrated more than anything. His character was underutilized here, so killing him off seems bizarre to me. He still has a lot of potential.

His death is done so much worse too. No time to grieve, no one outside of Polnareff mentions him. He dies really early into the episode too. We don't even get to hear his thoughts like we do with Kak. He just sacrifices himself for Polnareff, again. That's not a great send off for a character. Polnareff being saved by others was established multiple times. Literary every Crusader has saved him at some point. Iggy sacrifices himself for him later too. So, I have to ask, what's the point of killing Advol then 💀?? I don't understand and I would love to read people's opinions on this when I get the chance.

Okay death talk over.

Oh yeah, there was the rest of the episode.

Joseph also fucking dies but not really. Before he dies he reminds us hamon exists for a second. Makes sure to tell Jotaro Kakyoin's find.

I would like to point out how Dio kills the cat for shits and giggles. This is such a huge contrast to Kars that it's cracking me up.

Love that Jotaro gets more and more pissed off every time Dio spurts out someone's name.

The episode ends with the meme. I thought the meme would hamper my enjoyment but the Jotaro vs Dio is just kinda silly like that. I found it pretty funny personally. Not sure if that was the intended vibe.

Ep. 47

Dio opening?? Di o opneing? das so cooll

I've been replaying the za warudo sound effect for an hour now someone help me

Here comes the big plot twist, Dio and Jotaro have the SAME STAND. I love this reveal, I'll be honest. My one complaint would be that it could have been better if it was lightly hinted before. Otherwise though, I love it when characters realize their actual power. I also love characters with time powers and I already like Jotaro a lot, I fully support this.

It was so satisfying seeing Jotaro trick Dio and punch thru his stomach. Get karma'd shithead.

Oh, Polnareff. I forgot he was here.

I love the shot of Dio just zapping to Jotaro when he sees him move. Some looney toon ass bit.

Using Star Platinum to stop his own heartbeat was definitely one of the boldest things he has done.

Zero context gif

And then. And then just as he was about to die he sucks away Joseph's blood to revive himself. And that gives him a just awful hairdo.

I have no idea what they were going for with this. He is so ugly holy shit. Kill him with fire.

Ep. 48

It's mostly the same stuff as episode 47. The steamroller was pretty funny.

"You've done one mistake, Dio. You pissed me off." Who thought of this line it's awful.

Joseph gets revived wit Dio's blood. I live how Jotaro was basically saying how painful this journey was and that he could at least get one thing positive.

I'll be honest if my grampa did this to me I would have straight up killed him again.

Holly is fine and well. The Joestars and Polnareff part ways. Poor Polnareff tho, he was the closest to both Advol and Kakyoin.

The part 3 ends.

------------

We still not done!! There is still the OVA. It differs a lot from both the manga and the anime in a lot of ways so I thought it deserved it's own section.

OVA 11

They merged the coffin scene and Advol's death together. So instead of some goon Dio kills Advol. I like this better compared to the anime/manga but not by much.

Aaaah poor Iggy.

They don't bother with Vanilla Ice being a vampire, which I like.

Instead of having the whole group chat on the roof they get naturally separated instead. Jotaro and Joseph come across Dio. When Joseph tells Jotaro to run away he answers "You want me to run away now?" echoing Polnareff and Kakyoin's statements in the anime.

And then Dio throws Jotaro off the building with The World. As much as I like the sound design of the anime, I actually love how they didn't add any sound to his stand here.

Joseph gets saved from death by Kakyoin. He uses one of the tendrils to save Joseph and then uses emerald splash to make the dome of the building crash on Dio. It's actually a pretty cool sequence just watch it.

So that's how the gang gets separated. I like it more than the anime if I'm being honest.

OVA 12

This is the episode most faithful to the manga of the three.

The comments tell me Satoshi Kon was one of the directors in this. I am too lazy to confirm but it does have a similar style to his works. I'm really glad for that honestly. I've always loved Satoshi Kon.

I like the detail of Kakyoin saying maybe his power was teleporting, and Joseph telling him not to draw conclusions.

Emerald splash is a lot more intimidating in the OVA. I'm not sure which one I prefer. I do like the sound design of it in the anime.

In the OVA, Dio doesn't attack him right away. Dio says he shouldn't hasten his death, and that he is talented and just join him instead. Anime Dio doesn't bother with all that. He is just like "You wanna see The World do bad?? There you fucking go fool." and then kills him. While I do like what Kak says to Dio, I like the anime version of this wayy more.

OVA 13

I could go on about all the differences and what I like but just watch it tbh. They throw around cars and towers it's amazing.

I love the art style of the OVA just as much as the manga/anime. It's voice acting and soundtrack are not the best. The animation has some issues but it's fun. Also free to watch on Youtube.

ANNND We are done. This was a wild ride. I'm glad I watched it though. I can't wait to watch part 4.

I probably won't write as much for part 4 because it takes a long time. Maybe go 8 episode per post. I haven't figured it out yet. I might not even journal anything for it depending on how things go.

[archived-and-moving]

Kenric/Oralie for the songs? (I need new songs to add to my playlist for them and you seem like you have really good taste in music)

Anyway! Paused these for a bit but starting again, so sorry for the wait!!

Inkpot Gods by The Amazing Devil

And I can hear him break And he doesn't understand

And I wish that I could take his hand But where I'm going is for me and me alone

//

If I don't make it back from where I've gone Just know I loved you all along

Koralie is a very very bittersweet ship that while I don't find myself writing very much, I still feel is just there in the background. It buzzes with energy as it ebbs and flows with all the places they've been and where they wanted to go.

Something so deep about their tragedy is that they cannot say what they want to say, and more than anything I think this song represents that for them. Yeah! It's forbidden love, they can't whisper the words they want to say. But they do not live a lie.

The way that Oralie and Kenric love is so natural that it's heartbreaking. Especially when they basically revolved around each other. Their love was there, it mattered. But now it is gone. And all that is left is those unspoken words that can only be said aloud in desperate whispers.

"If I don't make it back from where I've gone, just know I've loved you all along."

And when he doesn't, Oralie does know that Kenric loved her. Not because of the words he said, but the way he looked at her. The way that his gaze lingered and his smile softened as soon as she entered the room.

Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac

Loving you isn't the right thing to do How can I ever change things that I feel?

//

If I could, maybe I'd give you my world How can I when you won't take it from me?

Once again I think this song is a great 1976 rock representation of how Kenric and Oralie interacted you know? They both give me such huge vibes of "I'm bitter but in an upbeat sort of way" because unlike when they were younger, they can't be openly hostile toward each other.

They love each other but also really want the other to shut up you know? Something something about how they feel so strongly about each other that sometimes even when they've been working together for so long that they easily mistake one emotion for another.

Anyway shout out to Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men, along with Next to Me by Imagine Dragons for also reminding me of Koralie, but I've been working on this for a couple days now and I am!! Tired!! (not in a bad way of course, I'm the one who apparently decided to give pretty big snippets of my thoughts on a bunch of songs.)

But yeah!! Koralie!!

[squish--squash]

oh yeah idk if I ever told y'all this but I have a funny story that happened back in september involving evangelical protesters, a lesbian flag, a rainbow umbrella, and an impromptu pride party

(it may be a bit long, so story is under cut!)

Okay so, let's preface with the context:

I attend a public university. This means that people, if they want, can reserve spaces around campus for events. This is usually used for tailgating during sports seasons.

But it also means other people can reserve places of high foot traffic, such as evangelical protesters with anti-abortion signs with the signature "repent or hell" bullshit signs.

Anyways apparently these fuckos have been doing this shit for years so upperclassmen and some of the LGBT and activism groups had already been warning as many underclassmen and transfer students as they can, so for the most part a good bit of the student body knew to avoid the water fountain in the middle of campus or else.

However, since I had an 8am the morning they arrived and am prone to not checking my phone, I had no clue about this at first. I actually cross the fountain on my way to and from my class, so I saw some people standing around and wondered what they were doing. And I got my answer as I was walking back from that class and saw the signs and was like "oh my fucking god there are religious nuts on campus"

I sat down in a building near the fountain to check my phone, where I learned from my friends what was going on. Now, since I didn't have a class until 2:30 (which ended up being cancelled after all), and also didn't have anything that needed to be done that day, I decided I wanted to be a peaceful shit and go bother the protesters because I knew they were already making and were going to make even more a lot of people uncomfortable and feel unsafe (and if their attention was on me, they weren't going to harass others).

However, none of my friends were available to come with me, and I was considering just going back to my dorm.

Until an acquaintance arrived. I knew her because she was friends with someone from my hometown I talked to occasionally, and since she's kinda important to this story later let's call her "A".

Anyways A asked me if I'd seen the protesters, and when I said yeah and that I was planning to go bother them, she said she was about to ask me if I wanted to go and bother them too since she was on her way to the fountain.

And so we both went to the fountain.

At the fountain were like, 3-5 or so men who looked like they hadn't showered in 5 months and came from the woods, a woman who looked tired, and her two young sons (who I later found out were homeschooled, which is so, so heartbreaking). All of them protesters. There's one man that's the focal center, who is yelling just complete bullshit (I can't even remember half of what he said bc I just tuned it out like a bad radio or smth), while the rest of them were holding abysmal anti-abortion signs full of misinformation and graphic images and trying (and failing) to pass out flyers/brochures.

When we get there A goes up to the main yeller and starts having a civil discussion with him because she told me she likes to debate. I sat down by the fountain wall next to someone with a frog hat on (I'll dub them "Frog Hat"), who was blasting music as loud as they could on the small speaker they had. The music? I'm not sure what bands or genres, but it was definitely music that those protesters thought was satanic.

Me and Frog Hat have a nice chat while watching the flyer guy continue to fail at passing out stuff. Highlights of his failures include many people shaking their heads and putting their hands up and away, multiple sneers of disgust, and this absolute queen who had an umbrella and used it as a shield as she walked by (I will call her "Queen" because she will return to this story later and own up to that title).

Now during the watching of flyer guy fail, another girl joins me at the fountain. We start chatting (let's dub her "L"), and it's going well, but then she pulls out a large lesbian flag from her backpack, and we spread the flag over our laps in lesbian solidarity. She also pulls out a rainbow umbrella and hands it to me to keep us shaded since the sun had come out from behind clouds. I think it's crucial to note that the flag and umbrella are going to become very prominent features of this story.

And so there's four of us. The three of us at the fountain doing miniscule counter protesting, and A who's still debating with the main yeller.

But that's when some more people show up.

At first it's some members of the campus's activism group, who ask us if we're doing alright and have a little tote with them (spoiler alert, it's pronoun and lgbt pins), along with a couple signs. Some of the members have stuff to do so they leave, but some others stick around the fountain and start quietly counter protesting with us. (During this time there's this REALLY pretty woman me and L spot walking past the fountain area a couple of times, we dubbed her "the goddess"; a little while later she returns with her own sign, and joins us. An absolute win.)

as more people arrive to watch and (later on) be a menace, Frog Hat has to sadly leave for classes, and so we're without music.

Until I suggest to the few people around me I've been talking to for us to play circus music on our phones as "fitting background music" for the protesters.

It takes a couple minutes of slow data speeds and finding the same video, but eventually there's 5 people playing circus music in sync. It was fantastic, but sadly didn't last long because someone in the growing crowd got irked by a protester and started yelling.

Now, to avoid anything happening, I get an idea and ask L if we can use her flag and umbrella as some sort of shield to put between the students and protesters. This spawns, what I mischievously called, the "gay censorship plan". Since it would be hard to walk protective circles around a group of moving students, we decide it would be easier to just block the main guy who's yelling bs (he also has a sign, which we try to block as well).

So gay censorship springs into action and me, L, and other people that switch out occasionally held up the lesbian flag in front of the yeller, blocking him from looking at the student body; I see it as a win of multiple fronts, because the guy looked crusty as fuck. Since I was also the tallest of the flag-holders, I also held up the umbrella as an extra shield, making sure to block the guy's face if the flag dropped too low or to try and block his sign (at some point the guy manages to extend the pole of the sign raising it higher, which I found funny but also makes you think this probably wasn't too uncommon if he was that prepared...). There were also times I detached from the flag to go over and cover the more graphic signs they set up with the rainbow umbrella because really, nobody wanted to see that on a tuesday morning.

The guy was constantly moving too, but so were we. Every time the guy moved, we got in front of him.

More people are arriving at this point, donning pride flags and booty shorts. There was even someone there in a cat maid costume. Queen returned to deliver absolute scathing remarks every time the yeller said smth, and someone showed up with a big speaker to play some zesty lgbt-friendly music on it.

During this escapade A gets a sign from someone and joins the gay censorship gang. We start chatting again, and while watching people having fun counter-protesting I remember that one video of two guys kissing at an anti-lgbt protest. I mention it to A, jokingly say "even tho I haven't had my first yet, I would so kiss a girl rn to make the protesters mad."

Well. Next thing I know, A and I are standing like 10 feet off to the side of the yeller, umbrella and sign off to the side, A shouts "People! Can I have everyone's attention for just only one moment!" (even the yeller stopped talking for a second), and I have my first kiss

Shit y'all not, the students who saw it cheered. I (very awkwardly, voice crack included) yelled "First kiss, baby!", which got even more cheers, but also the attention of the yeller, who then screamed that lesbians were going to hell.

It's a pride party at that point. People are dancing to music and screaming "YEAH!" every time the yeller says smth stupid. We continue to cover him up until he decides to stop in front of the fountain, where people with pride flags hop on top of the fountain wall and essentially cover the guy with flags. literally. The only thing you could've seen was his sign, which got half-covered by a handmade sign a very tall guy was holding.

There were some people who tried to argue with the guy, but since you can't argue with stupid it was a bit of a lost cause, but for the most part people just treated it like a party with some annoying thing in the far background. It was like the lgbt community at my college just individually got up and decided to schedule a pride event at the same place as the protesters.

Eventually the protesters packed up and left at around 1, but it was a wonderful couple of hours (I mean sure I was slurred at and insulted but I literally couldn't take any of it serious enough to be offended or frightened)

I know that what we all did didn't help our case (and in the protesters' minds "proved" their conceptions about us) but we all knew they'd never change their views anyways, so why not have a little fun?

Anyways this October the activism group released an opportunity for anyone who felt unsafe by the presence of the protesters or harassed by them to write a letter for the group to eventually send to the higher ups at our university to see if they can get the protesters banned on account of making their student body feel uncomfortable on their own campus.

The yeller also uploaded his body cam footage of him being an idiot to youtube bc ofc they have a yt channel, so not only am I a pretty common sighting in that video but the audio of my first kiss is on there too, which I think is hilarious.

That's the end of my story now, hope it was as funny as I think it was.

[selesera]

the archer is an elain archeron song 💘

how you ask?? "why do I care" you ask??

you might not care but I'm gonna tell you anyways 😌

SO, I took a small break from playing Midnights on repeat to listen to different tswift songs (it's called ✨variety✨ tysm)

The Archer came up and I just thought it was perfect for Elain (disclaimer: I love elucien and this is very elucien heavy)

We start with:

Combat, I'm ready for combat I say I don't want that, but what if I do? 'Cause cruelty wins in the movies

Picture: Elain in the Night Court, she's tired of being passive, tired of silencing herself, her opinions and her wants just to keep the peace. She has seen how Feyre and Nesta are allowed to have tempers and Amren can be ruthless and Mor can say what she wants and everyone loves them still... why can't she say what she wants too?

I'm gonna break up the next lines a bit more - think of these in the context of elucien:

I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

Elain has a lot that she needs to talk about with Lucien. You can't tell me that she has ZERO thoughts about having a fae mate - even if she doesn't want him, she has to think about it enough to make a decision. Imagine her imagining how she could confront him and have the conversations she wants to have but can't because she doesn't know him.

Easy they come, easy they go

This makes me think of things that are difficult having the best payoff - their relationship is not easy but that's what is gonna make it so so sweet when they do get together!

I jump from the train, I ride off alone I never grew up, it's getting so old Help me hold onto you

Elain jumped off the mate train and said "no thank you" (it's the Archeron way 😂) maybe she's not being the moooost mature about it but homegirl needs to heal - and the last line: she needs Lucien to help her accept him.

I've been the archer I've been the prey Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?

It's written in acotar that Elain is extroverted; she could command a ballroom with grace, beauty and charm but then the rug is pulled out from under her and now she has gone through something traumatizing. I'm sure she still has that confidence that is trying to come through but as many do when we're in a difficult head space, we look for facts to back up our assertions: "who could ever leave me? I'm beautiful and charming and interesting" well.... Grayson left. And if he left, who else could leave?

Dark side, I search for your dark side But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here? And I cut off my nose just to spite my face Then I hate my reflection for years and years I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost The room is on fire, invisible smoke And all of my heroes die all alone Help me hold onto you

Picture Elain finally in a place where she is slowly letting Lucien in but she's been hurt and she's not about to shackle herself to this guy just because he wants her. So what if it's petty and bratty? This ain't her first rodeo sir! She's scared that he could hurt her too but the pull is just undeniable and she can barely hold herself back from him anymore and he's starting to prove to her that he can be trusted to hold her.

I've been the archer, I've been the prey Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay? (I see right through me, I see right through me)

Who else could leave? Azriel. Azriel left her at solstice in the bonus chapter - that's two heartbreaks/ego bruises my bbygirl just wants to be loved 🥺

'Cause they see right through me They see right through me They see right through Can you see right through me? They see right through They see right through me I see right through me I see right through me All the king's horses, all the king's men Couldn't put me together again 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends Help me hold onto you

Lucien can see her, who she really is, and loves her, wants her, is patient with her, is down bad for her - he's the real deal.

I've been the archer I've been the prey Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay? (I see right through me, I see right through me) Who could stay? Who could stay? Who could stay? You could stay You could stay You Combat, I'm ready for combat

Lucien could stay. and they lived happily ever after 😌✨

[mypoisonedvine]

Side Effects | Bruce Banner x reader

summary: you never know what might be in the beakers at another chemist's station. you never know which of your colleagues might come along just in the knick of time to become the only antidote to your affliction.

word count: 3.6k

warnings: smut! (dub con due to sex pollen), semi-public sex (because technically someone could have walked by but unlikely), guilt/hesitance, kinda pining??, fingering, creampie,

a/n: yes, this is an accurate depiction of emergency shower protocol in a chemical lab and yes it is every lab technician's worst nightmare. thankfully the other stuff is not an accurate depiction of any known chemical, lol.

You wiped your forehead with a tired sigh, staring down at the calculations in front of you before using your pen to scribble over them before tearing out the page and throwing it away.

“You still do that by hand?” Bruce interjected, making you look up at where he was leaning in the doorway to the lab, watching you work.

“Oh, Dr. Banner!” you greeted with a smile, wondering if it was too ecstatic. You weren’t so good at the ‘playing it cool’ thing like he seemed to be.

“We have all those fancy screens and digital whiteboards, you know,” he explained as he stepped in and looked around at your work. “Not to mention the computer can do that stuff for you.”

“I know,” you scoffed, “but I always feel better doing it myself, on real paper. Not that I’m having any luck at the moment…”

"Here, I'll give them a quick look while you take a break," he offered, glancing at the numbers from over your shoulder. "You just get up and stretch your legs for a minute, doc."

You always thought it was sort of silly for him to call you that when he was a doctor as well, but you didn't complain.

Regardless, you were about to tell him that it was fine and you didn't need a break, but he was leaning in closer to take your seat and the proximity was so intimidating that you hopped up and went along with it anyways. He sat down and pondered your calculations while you circled the lab, taking a moment to appreciate how nice it felt to stand up and move around after sitting for so long.

"Your handwriting is…" Bruce trailed off, adjusting his glasses.

"Feminine and graceful?" you finished sarcastically.

"Sure," he chuckled.

"Yeah, just like me—" you started to quip, but mid-sentence you (ironically) stumbled and tripped, using a nearby table to catch yourself— but you accidentally grabbed onto a beaker, which tipped over and smashed onto the ground. The liquid inside spilled onto the floor just before you did, and you winced as you fell into the puddle of the unknown substance.

“Shit!” you hissed as you scrambled to get up, looking down at your clothes and seeing they were covered in the fluid, which was beginning to evaporate, or steam, or something. Remembering lab safety protocols, you instantly began to strip, closing your eyes and wishing Bruce hadn’t come in just before this. As you shirked your lab coat, shirt, and skirt, you walked to the emergency shower, pulling the lever and gasping when the chilly stream of water poured down on you. Bruce looked at you with wide eyes before being kind enough to turn around as you shivered and removed your bra and underwear, now completely naked and weakly scrubbing yourself with your hands in hopes that none of the chemical had gotten onto your skin.

“What is it?” he asked nervously, turning his head back enough that you could hear him over the flow of water, but hopefully not so much that he could see anything important.

“I don’t know,” you answered, “it’s not mine. It’s something Dr. Sutherland was working on…”

“Is it… are you in pain at all?” he asked, even more concerned, and you tried to decide if you could feel any effects.

“N-no…” you answered hesitantly. You felt hot, and strange, and you were covered in rolling chills, but you figured that was just the situation you were in— naked in a tepid shower in front of your coworker who just so happened to be incredibly sexy.

“I should call poison control,” Bruce offered as he reached for his cell phone.

“No, I’m fine,” you denied as the water flow slowed down and you wiped your face, confident that you looked like a complete mess— but at least you saved yourself from whatever was in that beaker, right?

“Here,” Bruce offered an emergency blanket to you after pulling it off a nearby shelf, and it was not at all absorbent but it helped with the draft as you stepped away from the shower which was still leaking the last few drops of water onto the drain on the floor.

“Thank you,” you nodded nervously, shivering and dripping and looking back at him with no idea what to say at all.

“Do you feel alright? I should check you for burns,” he suggested. “I— I won’t look…”

“Please,” you sighed, pulling the blanket a bit to expose your chest and stomach. He brushed his hand over the skin there, making you instantly whine as heat burned just under your skin, clouding your mind and making you crave even more.

"Did that hurt?" he asked anxiously, pulling away, but you stepped closer.

"No it's… it's good, it's so good."

He furrowed his brow as he looked down at you, putting the back of his hand to your forehead. "You're burning up, doc, you must be running a fever of 105."

"Touch me more, please," you whimpered. It was like you were in a dream, everything foggy and distant, and the only time that anything made sense was when he touched you. Or maybe it was that his touch sent you further into delirium; you couldn't be sure.

He gasped when he looked at your quivering legs only to find slick arousal running down the inside of them, threatening to drip onto the floor.

"Oh," he sighed.

"Please," you begged mindlessly, "Dr. Banner, I n-need you…"

"No, you need medical attention."

You whined and grabbed as his shirt, humming at the feeling of his warm skin just beneath. If the forearms that he often left exposed in rolled-up sleeves were anything to go buy, his chest was probably toned and tanned, lightly dusted with dark hair… you were all but drooling at the thought. "Please, Bruce… just help me," you pleaded, looking up into his eyes which were swirling with conflict.

"I can't," he shook his head. "I'd be taking advantage."

He must have seen the heartbreak of rejection make you wince, because he tried to soothe you with his hands resting on your arms— even just that contact making you suppress a moan.

"I've wanted this for so long," he explained, "and you— you haven't. You're unwell, you need to go to a hospital."

You sobbed a little at the idea of being taken away from him and examined by strangers, when you knew the solution was right in front of you. "No, no Bruce they'll touch me! Nobody can touch me but you, I only want you."

He scoffed, but you heard the weakness in it and you needed him to give in soon before you melted from your own hear. "You're deranged— delirious," he reiterated.

"It'll feel so good, please Bruce, I'll be so good for you— anything you want, I'll do it, I'm yours."

"Stop talking like that," he winced. "I can't… I can't."

"I need to feel you inside me, Dr. Banner, I need it more than anything. It's just gonna get worse… please, help me. I want you. I trust you."

"You'll hate me in the morning," he asserted. "God, this is so wrong…"

But much to your relief, he reached down and hesitantly slid his thick middle finger through your folds, gasping gently as he felt how wet you were. "I should t-take you somewhere private."

"No, need you now— right here," you pleaded, trying to chase his touch with your hips.

"But if someone came by—" he began to fret, glancing at the door; but his attention was turned back to you by your hands weaving into his hair.

"Nobody else stays this late, god, Bruce please I just need you so bad—"

He cut you off with a sudden kiss, which was enough on its own to make warmth bloom in your gut, but then he started to move his finger again and you shuddered with a moan that was muffled by his lips.

"Maybe I can make you come like this," he offered as he pulled back just enough to whisper to you, "would that help you? It'll take the edge off."

You bucked and moaned against his fingers, just those subtle touches driving you wild. "N-no, it has to be inside! You have to fuck me, I need your cock."

He breathed through his teeth, like he was almost considering it, but then looked away. "I can't," he shook his head.

"Can't or won't?"

He frowned. "Won't. I'll get you off with my fingers, otherwise it would be… too selfish."

"Bruce, I'm literally begging you for it," you sighed, the irritated tone that you'd intended lost in the moans he elicited by rubbing your swollen clit.

"I know," he winced, "I know and it's killing me that I can't give you what you're asking for… I swear if it wasn't like this…" he trailed off as you looked up at him with your bottom lip between your teeth.

"What would it be like?" you asked lowly. "Tell me how you would fuck me."

For all his shyness before, there was a brief switch in his demeanor as he leaned in, breath hot against your neck as he whispered, two fingers sliding into your channel at the exact moment that he spoke.

"So fucking hard."

You whimpered, knees wobbling a bit as you tried to ride his fingers— but he wasn't pushing back, wasn't giving you enough force to balance against when you sought more friction. "P-please, Bruce— I know you want to, please, please baby I need it so bad…"

"I know," he breathed, free hand cradling your face as his thumb stroked your cheek, and it was so needlessly compassionate, so effortlessly soothing that your heart had no choice but to clench at his tenderness. Other parts of you clenched as well, in much more literal ways, but the heart thing was more important.

You gingerly reached forward and palmed his cock through his pants, moaning when you felt how hard it was. "You're desperate, too," you informed him with a little smile. "It hurts, doesn't it? It aches."

"Yes," he answered tensely.

"I'm hurting too. I'm aching, for you. Please, Bruce, help me."

As he pulled back and examined your face, he chewed his lip and contemplated. He couldn't stand to see you in pain, but he couldn't comprehend what he had to do to help you. Well, okay, that's not totally accurate because he had actually "comprehended" the idea of making love to you plenty of times. But that was just a fantasy, a very misguided one that he only indulged in in his weakest moments. And in those fantasies, shockingly enough, you were always completed lucid and of sound mind and body. He sadly could not say that for you at the moment, and of course he couldn't because of course when you were sober and healthy, you didn't see him that way.

Bruce prided himself on his logic, his integrity, his patience. Suddenly, those qualities were falling prey to a much deeper, carnal instinct that saw this not as a predicament but as an opportunity. Logic states, after all, that it would be wasteful to have everything he wanted thrown into his lap and to let it go to waste.

"Fuck," he groaned as he kissed you again, fucking you faster with his fingers. You moaned and went for his belt, barely managing to open it with your hands shaking so much; part of you had considered just trying to rip the leather off of him, and with the force of your need it seemed almost plausible.

Finally getting his trousers opened just enough to reach inside, you purred as you reached in and navigated past his boxers to wrap your fingers around his hard cock. It was so thick and smooth and hot and you almost wanted to drop to your knees and take it in your throat right then, but you had better plans.

He pulled his fingers out of you slowly, grinning against you at the way you whined, before wrapping his arms around you and quickly instructing you to jump.

It was infuriating, how easily he caught you when you wrapped your body around him. Infuriating and so painfully sexy.

He never broke the kiss as he walked the two of you to your lab table, sliding the papers aside and onto the floor to set you on it. You started on his aggravatingly-small shirt buttons while he pushed his trousers and boxers down the rest of the way, and god his cock was right there between your legs, so close but very much too far away for your liking.

You didn't have the time or energy to get his shirt off, settling for just running your hands over the exposed skin instead. He grinned and watched the path your hands made, hissing slightly when they wrapped around his shaft— for a second you swore you could feel it throb.

"Don't make me wait anymore," you whispered your plea, sighing a little when he nodded.

"Okay baby," he agreed.

"Been waiting so long," you whined.

"Me too," he nodded, and with a little push, his cock slid all the way into you and filles you to the brim. Even when you were completely drenched, the girth of him was so wide that it stung, that it tore you open, but you loved it. Your head fell back and just from him being inside you, you came. The substance had you so needy and sensitive that that was all it took. It wasn't enough yet, of course. You knew you needed more. But God, he felt so good you could hardly breathe.

"Baby," you heard Bruce gasp, his fingers digging into your hips. Your chest twisted when he laughed a little, breathless and just teetering on the line between complimentary and mocking. "Did you just come?"

You considered playing dumb, but nodded instead.

His smile was apparent when he pressed his lips just below your ear to suck on the delicate skin there, his teeth trailing up to nibble your earlobe lightly. You hoped he would leave a mark, you hoped he would leave lots of marks that you could remember this by for weeks to come.

"Couldn't help yourself, huh?" he asked breathlessly, whispering so quietly you could barely hear it over the beating of your own pulse which echoed in your ears.

"You feel so good," you justified, "so fucking good, Bruce."

"You too," he sighed as he finally pulled back and slid into you again, the friction making your back arch instantly. "Even better than I imagined."

You smiled and wrapped your legs around his hips, forcing him to push deeper with each thrust. When he pushed you to your limits it felt like you might just fall apart right there, but it was so worth it.

As if that wasn't enough, he reached down and circled a thumb over your overstimulated clit, grinning down at you at the sight of you writhing and bucking wildly in his arms.

"Fuck!" you cried as you tightened your hands on his shoulders into fists hard enough to risk tearing through his shirt.

"Too much?"

"More," you pleaded instead, crying out when he gave you exactly what you wanted with fast, rough thrusts into your drenched walls. "Yes," you sobbed, "yes, fuck— m'gonna come, Bruce, gonna come again."

"Go ahead," he encouraged, voice so much rougher than normal, "show me how good it feels, baby."

It felt like his words were the thin that pushed you over the edge, as if your body somehow both understood and obeyed his command. You could feel a renewed wave of slick leak out from you, enough that you could hear the wetness in each slap of his hips against yours. His name was somewhere in the litany of curses and praises that spilled from your lips, your mind too clouded with hazy pleasure to keep track of what you were actually saying.

"Just like that," he groaned, "doing so good, fuck, say my name just like that every time I make you come."

An easy enough stricture to follow, especially when it seemed like he was all you could think about. He looked so different with his clothes half-shorn and his eyes dark with lust. He hadn't taken his glasses or labcoat off and you weren't sure which of those you were happier about.

His lips and hands were all over you; you couldn't even keep track of everywhere he was touching you, that's how overwhelming it was. "God, you're so fucking perfect," he groaned against your skin, finding a hardened nipple as his tongue explored you and wrapping his lips around it. "You are so goddamn sexy, you know that? I love seeing you with your legs spread for me like a needy little whore. I love hearing you moan and knowing I'm the one making you feel this good."

He took a moment to look at you and soak in your shocked reaction to his words before leaning in to continue.

"I love feeling you come for me," he purred in your ear.

"Then you're gonna really like what I'm about to do," you shivered.

"Yeah? You can gimme another one already?" he smiled. "Such a good girl…"

You really couldn't help it, it felt like everything he did only enhanced your pleasure— his words, his hands all over you, not to even mention his cock inside you. As much as the hedonistic corner of your brain was happy to let this go on forever, the ramifications of constant orgasms were finally catching up with you as you wondered how much more of this you could take.

"F-fuck, are you close?" you asked weakly. "Want you to come for me, Bruce, please."

"I-I'll pull out," he suggested, although the way he looked down at his length sinking into you and pulling back out, covered in your abundant arousal, didn't exactly indicate that he was willing and able to actually make good on his offer.

"No!" you yelped, pulling him closer by his unbuttoned shirt. "It needs to be inside, Bruce, please come inside me."

"Fuck," he hissed through his teeth.

"Please, Bruce, please, promise you'll come inside."

"I will," he sighed, "fuck, I will baby, I promise I'm gonna fill you up so good, you're gonna have my come so fucking deep inside you…"

"Yes!" you moaned, completely unabashed as the unknown substance had apparently absolved you of any shame whatsoever. "Yes, I want it, Bruce, I want your come."

The moment you felt his seed start to paint your walls, you felt relief begin to wash over you. Your mind and body relaxed, the overwhelming heat under your skin subsiding into a comforting warmth, the desperation that had burned in your gut satiated at last.

And that left you staring up at him in realization of what you had done, just as he looked back at you with the same.

"God, I'm so sorry—" he shuddered, moving to pull away. Instinctively your legs wrapped around his hips again, holding him close.

"N-no, wait," you groaned, "it's okay. Don't go."

"You don't hate me," he said, the exhaustion in his tone making it hard to tell if it was a question or a statement.

"Never," you sighed with a weak smile, sitting up to clutch his face and kiss him again. "God, Bruce, now I'm just wondering what took us so long."

"Our lab safety is just too good, clearly," he smiled as he kissed you again, pulling back a little too soon to examine your face where he held it in his hands. "Are you okay? You should still probably go to a doctor…"

"I'm already with a doctor," you smirked, "and his treatment was very effective."

"Yeah, that was…" he trailed off, wide eyes as if he were reminiscing about what had only just transpired.

"Sorry for being so… desperate," you cringed. "I didn't mean to… um… impose…"

He just laughed and kissed your forehead, making you feel your cheeks warm a bit; ironic that with everything that had just happened, this was what made you blush. "A beautiful, amazing woman that I've been dreaming about for months begs me to take her in the laboratory… really inconvenient."

"I mean, cleaning up these papers and the broken glass is gonna be pretty tedious, along with the incident report," you frowned.

"I'll help you with it," he offered.

"Tomorrow," you decided. "Right now, I'm taking you to my place."

"Is that so?" he asked with a bemused smirk.

"Yep. We both are in serious need of a shower, and then I wanna go again," you grinned wickedly.

"I thought you said you weren't feeling the effects of the chemical anymore," he recalled, voice tinted with concern.

"I'm not," you reassured, "I'm just feeling the effects of you."

[beetsandskzreads]

silent bright summer night

bang chan x gn!reader, y/n works with skz and became their friend (the ultimate dream haha)

genre: tooth-rotening fluff, slight angst with a happy ending

notes/warnings: nothing intense, this is very fluffy, there's brief mentions of cheating, long distance, y/n's exes, fear of abandonment, slight insecurities, deep talks, reader and chan are slightly wine drunk, y/n and chan are whipped, y/n makes it explicit they want to date someone very warm and caring (aka chan), i don't think that's a warning tho djsjs just saying

scenario: on a balcony, at a beach apartment on a summer night of vacation, y/n opens up to chan about their past and current lovers. what y/n doesn't know is why chan is so interested listening to it.

It was 1:01 am when chan and I found ourselves in the balcony that overlooked the city and it's bright lights on a summer night. Skz had gone to sleep right after all of us came back from a night out of lots of fun, buying stuff on stores by the beach, having ice cream, seeing the view of the city lights reflecting on the sea water, appreciating street artists...

The two of us had been talking the whole evening, we hung out as a group but mostly just spoke to each other and laughed at the members jokes, both of us having a sparkle in our eye every time we saw the group happy. There was this unspoken pleasantness, a bliss, calmness in the air but with a lot of excitement. Chan was so happy to be around the sea with "the kids" as he refers to them and being at the beach almost 24/7 this week, it was like his natural habitat, his home, a comfort place. It left you feeling even softer for him, and as you shared your love for the sea, your feelings were at a peak. You liked Chan, and you loved this place as much as he did.

The night was so great, everyone was out like a lightweight as soon as we arrived to the vacation apartment we're in. Chan and I were testing the theory that a glass of wine would help us get drowsy and help us fall asleep as well, since we both have trouble falling asleep and felt nothing but a remaining excitement from the night out. It came to me especially because of the enthusiasm of talking to him, we were connecting so well, I didn't want this to ever end.

And so we drank (one glass quickly becoming the whole bottle) and we talked for what felt like hours on end, that neither of us wanted to cease.

- My ex best friend, she never quite knew how to choose guys, she always went for the ones that would never turn her way, the ones who obviously wouldn't care about her, not because of her, but because they were really careless guys, walking red flags. - I told him, I couldn't remember where exactly the conversation started but we were talking about nice people picking shitty people to date.

- What about you? - he asked

- Me? I barely even like guys, I mean I do, but I'm really picky actually, I don't allow myself to fall for cold people, I wouldn't forgive myself if I took interest in someone rude, I try so hard to take care of myself so I either stay alone that way or I find someone who makes me feel better, who knows how to take care of me, after all we chase happiness, I think a caring person could do that, someone gentle who isn't scared of emotions or who at least is open to face that fear with me by their side.

- I get it, it's hard to get by if you don't have emotional support, a partner should be able to provide that support, yeah. Did you ever... find someone like that?

- Yeah, in the past I did and even now I do know someone more than ideal... I guess my ex partners when I was young were going through a soft phase tho... I guess everyone has an emotional limit they were scared to cross... once I found that barrier the relationship stoped evolving, reached a dead end and so there was nothing left for me anymore and I left, plus, you know, cheating, long distance, a bunch of stuff really... it wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that.

- What about that someone right now?

Silence ruled for about 3 seconds before I knew what to say. That someone right now is him. Ever since I've known him feels like he's the only man ever, but I don't think I'd tell him that, not soon anyways.

- What about 'em?

- What's that person like? What makes you trust they're any different from your exes?

- Sometimes I fear they're not, but I set the bar really high and I reset it constantly, to make sure I'm seeing it right, sometimes they seem so perfect to me that I wonder what good have i done in my past life to deserve to be around such a bright person. Of course they make mistakes too, but even the way they deal with them is so... mature, it's so easy to just solve things communicating, it's insane to me. Then I remember it's probably because they're eventually gonna leave me too, or just not reciprocate my feelings and after they break my heart I'll probably loose all hope in love, be heart broken for two years until I decide I'm gonna focus on myself again... it's a cycle after heartbreak, but with this person I'm really scared, because they mean more. I'm way too deep in before I've even expressed my feelings, it's gonna be devastating. - I'm rambling, the wine made me do it.

- What makes you think they wouldn't like you back tho?

- I'm not sure I just... it would be too good to be true and it's complicated... he's amazing and I'm just not sure if he'd be into me, I mean, I think I'm lovable and I think I'd be a great lover, I just don't know if I'm his type or if he'd consider me. We have a bit of an age gap, I'm not someone who's typically pretty or specially good looking, I have my charms but I have no idea if that's enough for him to be in love. It's complicated with each others work too... - I notice chan's gaze on me, he has his head leaned on his hand on the table and he's looking at me with bright eyes, eyes that look tired and a little drunk but somehow, he manages to look at me in a way that makes me feel adored, I don't know why you have to make me feel so much love, Bang Chan - Why are you looking at me like that?

- You have no idea how other people perceive you, do you? - he ignored your question, probably because of his drunk-ish drowsy state - Everyone I know likes you, see, you're a naturally kind and caring person, you're attentive to people's needs, you make sure everyone feels comfortable around you... that's so appreciated by everyone. I think you're exceptional y/n, you have this charismatic way of existing, a refreshing and comfy presence everyone can feel, but to me... it feels like home. You feel like home y/n. So... I have no idea who that person is but I sure as hell know they'd be more than lucky to have you as a partner and they're definitely dumb if they let you go.

- Are you dumb? - my heart's pounding quicker as I'm about to do something I didn't plan on doing ever.

- Huh? No, why w-

- Because that person is you... I like you, Chan. In a more-than-friends way - I interrupt him quickly before I lose my newly found courage.

Chan could've sworn his heart stopped for a few seconds. Suddenly sobriety hit him like a truck. It was the alcohol that made you say that, he thought, but he wished it was true and you didn't drink enough to be lying about this kind of stuff, you had a full on conversation and you seemed pretty sober.

- Y-y/n are you sober? - he tries to navigate through the situation.

- Oh my... yeah I am, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, it just rolled out of my tongue. I'm sorry... - you said as you panicked and tried to go back inside, regret filling up all your organs.

"I messed up" your brain keeps repeating as desperation starts entering your body, until Chan grabbed your hand, stopping you from leaving.

- Wait! You don't need to apologize, I'm glad you told me... You didn't think I'd say all that about you if I didn't like you as well, did you? - he asks suggestively.

- I don't know - you blush as you realize what he's getting at - You're just so nice to everyone, I didn't make a big deal out of it.

- Well, you should've made it a big deal, the biggest deal actually because I've been trying really hard to show you how I feel these past few days and you were so clueless I thought you were purposefully ignoring the signs because you didn't like me back.

- I'm sorry Channie, I just didn't want to assume stuff and get heartbroken if it wasn't true.

-Well it is true, so you don't need to worry anymore. I really like you too, y/n. And I've wanted to say it for a while too, I was just wondering if it was a good idea since you work with us, but I can't contain my feelings anyways... you always treat me so softly and you look after the kids really well... It just feels like you were made to be by my side, you're the embodiment of the person I've always dreamed to be with, and these past few days with the kids and you... it just felt like we were the perfect family you know? I don't think I could be without you by my side anymore... - he stops, he's been staring at your eyes the whole time and now they're starting to water.

How could you not cry when he's saying the things you thought you'd only ever hear in dreams?

- Why are you crying sweetheart? - he whispered, as he wipes a tear with his thumb, the other hand holding your hand as he stands closer every second.

- It's just... I'm so... happy - you smile through your tears - I'm so happy to hear that, you said it in such a beautiful way too... I feel exactly the same, it's like I've gained a family with you guys but you... I've grown really attached to you, feels like some parts of you are tangled in my heart in ways I couldn't tear apart if I wanted to... I'm drawn to you and when I'm with you it's comfortable, blissful, it's right. You're so good to me, it's unbelievable, but it's true, and it warms my heart. - you say as your foreheads touch and your smile grows, his eyes showing so much adoration for you, you could melt.

Suddenly you share your first kiss together, a soft yet passionate mix of sensations, and it felt like everything you ever felt around Chan but better.

You stare into each other's eyes, smiling like the little lovely goofballs you both were, noses touching, ocasional little pecks filled with giggles because you were whipped for each other.

- So this means we're exclusive lovers now, yeah? - he asks with a blushing face, a very silent giggle and a huge, uncontrollable smile.

- Definitely, yeah - you answer biting your lip until eventually you let out the largest smile you ever had.

Needless to say, you didn't leave that balcony to go to sleep that evening. In fact, you two watched the sunrise kissing and cuddling, talking about the feelings you had for each other, when they started, why you liked each other, covered by a blanket, not wanting to let go of each other now that you were openly romantic.

Han found you both sound asleep, you on chan's lap, head on his neck as his arms wrapped around you gently, on a chair in the middle of the morning. He obviously called all the members to watch you two as they assumed you two finally got together. All of them saw it coming, Chan wouldn't shut up about you and had written what could be an entire album about you.

They were happy at least you'd be around more often to cook your delicious food. And you both blushed really hard once you woke up to lot's of teasing from the kids, it was fine tho, you liked it just like this, it was home.

[mrsnegan]

Aftermath

[Hey y'all! I finally managed to write the next part for @band--psycho's Bingo Challenge. It's been a long ride, I know, and this part is rather short, but full of emotions. 💔 So be warned, it's rather heartbreaking. Thanks again for all your support, I hope you're still with me on this one. 😊]

Summary: You face the aftermath of your secret affair, breaking more than one heart in the process.

Square: Hospital AU

Warnings: angst, breakup

Part 1: Dirty Little Secret

Part 2: Movie Night

Part 3: Pitch Black Impala

Part 4: Calm Before The Storm

Part 5: When It All Comes Crashing Down

"Is she okay?" Negan asks one of the nurses who emerges the examination room.

"Are you her father, sir?"

Negan cringes slightly at the question, but nods his head because he knows otherwise they won't tell him anything.

"She's got a broken nose, we've fixed it as best as possible and gave her some medication for the pain, she will be alright."

"Thank you", Negan mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You can go see her now. All the best."

He nods absently, walking past her to enter the examination room.

You sit on a chair, your nose taped, looking miserable.

"Shit, my girl hit you damn hard. I'm so sorry, she shouldn't have done that."

"We shouldn't have done that behind her back", you answer flatly, unable to look him into the eyes.

You can feel him move towards you, but you try to stop him with a simple gesture.

"Please don't."

Negan huffs, taking another step into your direction anyway.

"I said stop it, Negan."

He hushes you, pulling you up gently and into his arms, cautious not to hurt you or touch your broken nose.

A rage takes over your body and mind as soon as he closes his arms around you. Your fists come down quickly against his chest, fresh tears clouding your sight. Sob after sob wrecks your body, the sheer hurt and anger inside of you running wild. Negan anchors you, not letting go until you are just a crying mess, desperately clinging to his body. How much time passes, you can't tell. Everything that happened since Celia walked in on you seems to be long ago but also just seconds.

"Let's get outta hear", Negan whispers into your ear, kissing the shell of it softly.

You nearly flinch at the gesture, being intimate with him feels wrong, but you can't pull yourself back. Too weak, too embarrassed, too tired to try.

"Celia took an Uber to the nearest train station, Steve brought her home with him. She's safe", he explains when you get into the car next to him. "I thought you should know she's alright."

"No, she isn't", you murmur matter-of-factly, your eyes fixating the hospital.

Negan just breaths heavily before starting the engine, bringing the both of you farther and farther away from the chaos you created.

---

When he arrives in front of your building, he shuts off the engine, taking a look at you. It is well past midnight already, the traffic doing its best to cage you in the car with him as long as possible, to draw out the inevitable.

"Princess, please, talk to me. Let me take you home and we can figure this out."

You slowly face Negan, the beating of your own heart echoes loudly in your ears. A feeling of unease, of hurt, tightens your chest with every breath you take.

"I...We can't, Negan. This...it's over." The single tear escaping your eye burns on your skin, this is harder than you ever thought possible. "Don't you understand? She knows. She hates me. She might forgive you someday, but she won't forgive me. Whatever we shared, it's...it doesn't matter anymore. There's no future for us if we want to...I don't know, make this right again."

You can't even look him in the eyes when you explain your decision, you know what you will find there. You can sense his hurt, his trouble, the desperate try to find an argument against the truth.

"Princess, please." The break in his voice, the slight shaking of it, nearly breaks your heart, though you still can't look at him, can't look at the mirror of your own feelings.

Without another word, you loosen your seat belt and open the door. Your feet won't cooperate with your mind, it takes all the strength you have left to get up and out of the car. You close the door carefully before walking to the trunk to get your stuff. Negan is beside you suddenly, helping you out and closing the trunk lid for you. Without another word of protest, he carefully collects your face in his strong hands and presses a desperate kiss onto your lips. You sob at the contact, at what this means for the both of you and gather all your courage not to cry like a baby.

When he lets go of you, there's nothing you can do but look up into his eyes, risking a final look. Your hearts shatters at what you find there. His glassy eyes stare into yours, trying to find a last straw of hope he could cling to.

You shake your head, letting your forehead rest against his for a second. His scent is still intoxicating, making it even harder for you to turn around. You have to, you know, so you slowly let go of him, keeping an appropriate distance.

"Goodbye", you whisper before you grab your bag and walk as fast as you can towards your building.

As soon as your door closes behind you, you break down, crying uncontrollably. Heartbroken is an understatement, Negan's look so devastating, you nearly broke down in front of him. But you couldn't.

Your broken nose hurts like hell and you gulp down your prescribed pain killers with water between sobs, hoping they will dull the ache in your face and head as well as your heart.

---

Taglist: @iluvneganandjamie @murphslass @negans-attagirl @msjamesmarch @you-a-southpaw-doll @in-ky

---

Part 7: Drunk

[imerdwarf]

I've Given All I Can

Summary: You and Bucky feel as though you're pulling apart from each other, your worse fears come true one night at a party but is it too late?

Warnings: Low self esteem, angst, language, Bucky is an idiot, tears, heartbreak, implied smut (but nothing explicit) at the end 💜

Author's Notes: Happy evening 😍 this is for @the-ss-horniest-book-club's Drunk Drabbles 💜

Bucky has that unreadable look in his eyes again as he watches you change clothes. Your jeans feel too tight around your waist and your shirts pull across your stomach, accentuating the bulge from your food baby from all the binge eating junk you've eaten the past few weeks to help you feel better.

In truth, eating like that made you feel worse about yourself. You thought of yourself as the worst human alive because you couldn't stop it, you couldn't stop anything from going wrong with your body and your mind was in overdrive.

Your self esteem issues were eating away at you, you felt helpless as if you were screaming into a void alone and nobody was around to help you. Your mind would play the cruelest tricks. For example, how your mind would pick up on the facial expressions your boyfriend Bucky would give other women in the compound. He looks at them how he used to look at you when you first started dating, and it's been a while since you have seen that look from him.

For Bucky it was completely the opposite though, he's felt this distance between the two of you for a while and figured it was because you weren't interested in him anymore. He knows of the stress you've been under, how your insecurities are eating away at your thoughts and he longs for the day he sees your beautiful smile again.

He just knows it won't happen anytime soon and quite frankly, he doesn't even know what he should do anymore. Trying to talk to you was impossible because you would only grunt in response or not pay any attention to what he was asking or you would just change subjects which has been the case lately.

He doesn't know what do to, he wishes you would just tell him what he needs to do to make you love him again. He stares blankly at you as you change into jeans and a sweater, making no attempt to look away when you catch his stare and that look on his face.

Bucky stands and leaves you alone in the room, the door closes behind him and it's then the waterworks come to life. Tears roll freely down your cheeks as you crumble to the floor, hugging your knees to your chest, you rock back and forth feeling your heart break in your chest. You would give anything to have Bucky wrap his arms around you right now, it just seems he feels disgusted being near you and touching you.

While you were crying in your shared room, Bucky made his way to the kitchen where he saw Sam sitting on the stool sipping a coffee and scrolling through some files on the glass tablet.

"Rough mission?" Bucky asks, taking a seat opposite him and playing with the strings on his sweatpants.

"You could say that," Sam coughs into his bent elbow and looks over at Barnes to notice that worrying look in his eyes, "what's wrong?" He adds with a frown.

"Nothin'" Bucky sighs and runs a hand over his face. He looks tired and almost defeated.

"Come on man, I'm good for some things ya know!" Sam chuckles to encourage the man.

"It's just me and Y/N, things aren't... so good lately, feel like we're drifting apart." Bucky sniffles, saying it out loud was almost reality.

"Well, as your friend, I would advise you to sit down and talk about things, tell each other what's on your mind and hug it out even." Sam has a point but he doesn't understand that Bucky has tried to talk to you about this in the past and got nowhere. Now you were barely speaking.

"It's not that simple Sam," Bucky sighs and shakes his head.

Now it's Sam's turn to sigh, "nothing ever is simple. Just act like an adult and talk like adults, it's gonna be alright, man! Anyway, I got to go. I have a support group to motivate, let me know how things go." Sam grabs his backpack from the stool next to him and leaves quickly, leaving Bucky to think over his irrational plan that he thinks might work.

1 week later

Tonight is the night of one of Stark's extravagant parties and everyone is invited. It's also the night Bucky has a plan that he wants to execute to hopefully bring the two of you back together again.

He stands in front of the floor length mirror and adjusts his bowtie for the umpteenth time. His black suit is tailored to fit him perfectly and he knows how much you love him in black.

Your own dress was a gift from Natasha. It showed a lot of cleavage and thigh, normally, a dress like this was not something you would have chosen.

And by the time you got downstairs to the party, the room was already crowded ranging from the less fortunate to the billionaires. You had to shimmy past a couple of people to reach the bar, you were hoping your dress might spark some interest from Bucky tonight but he's nowhere to be seen.

You take a seat on the barstool and order a martini, the bartender hands you the drink and you thank him with a smile, spinning on your seat to sip your drink and scan the room. A boisterous laugh grabs your attention and your eyes follow the offensive sound. Your eyes narrow in on the gorgeous blonde standing in the corner, but it's the man she's with that makes your heart drop into your stomach.

It's Bucky. And her hands are holding onto his biceps as he presumably tells her one of his jokes. He's smiling, he's laughing and it's the happiest you have seen him for a while. Was he miserable because of you? Were you holding him back from happiness? The scene unfolding was answering all of your questions and more when Bucky takes her hand in his and pulls her to the dance floor to dance alongside the other 'couples'. They look so happy and so lost in each others eyes that your eyes well up and the room feels like it's closing in and suffocating you.

You can't breath, you need air and fast. You slam your glass down on the bar and stand up, taking off your heels so you can get out of here even quicker. You don't excuse yourself as you barge past the happy smiling attendees.

Wanda sees everything unfold from where she was stood. She saw the way Barnes had approached the blonde woman and started flirting with her as soon as you arrived at the party. She also sees he's none the wiser of the fact you've already left the scene upset and heartbroken.

Wanda approaches the blind idiot and pulls him away from the woman he's with. "what the -"

"I could ask you the same question Barnes! What the hell do you think you're playing at? You're cheating on Y/N now? My best friend?" Wanda is seething, and the urge to punch the smirk of his face is harder to resist.

"Did it work?" He asks with a smug grin looking around the party.

"Oh yeah, if your plan was to break her heart and make her cry, it worked perfectly!"

Bucky frowns and his lip quivers slightly, "nononono! That wasn't the plan! Fuck, where did she go?"

"Who knows." Wanda shrugs, she wouldn't tell him even if she did.

Bucky rushes past her and starts to look in every room until he finds you slouched against the wall of one of the vacant offices down the hall.

"Baby!" Bucky rushes in and kneels next to you, his big arms immediately pull you into his chest. You try to pull away but his grip is too strong and you end up sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. "I'm so sorry baby."

You pull your face away to breathe, your palms flat against his chest, "you're leaving me," you croak, looking up at him through wet eyelashes. The room around you feels like it's spinning, this feels like a really bad dream.

Bucky staggers for a moment, digging his fingertips further into your flesh. "Absolutely not baby! No way! I'm so sorry you gotta believe me doll, I was just trying to make you jealous because I thought you weren't interested in me anymore and-"

"I thought you weren't interested in me!" You argue, fighting back the fresh tears threatening to fall, "you haven't touched me in so long I didn't know what to think."

"Then it's my fault doll, I read the whole situation wrong and I should have talked to you like an adult, please let me make it up to you and I promise I'll show you just how much I love you and want to touch you." His nose nudges against yours and his face dips slightly to capture your lips. His lips are soft and you quietly moan into his mouth as he spins you both around and presses you up against the door ready to make good on his promise.

Taglist: @smokeybluebrooke-lyn @pinkdiamond1016 @whatrambles @bestofbucky @ladyeliot

[himbokkun]

pairing: kuroo tetsurou x fem!reader wordcount: 1.5k warnings: mainly angst, but there's smut too, alcohol use, petnames (baby, kitten, sweetheart, angel), nipple play and praise for a sec and that's it ig a/n: haha definitely this wasn't based on true events haha i'm totally not coping with writing. anyways this is my first time ever writing a fic?? and i literally wrote this at 4 am while i was almost drunk. so not proofread. sorry if there are typos or shit that doesn't make sense. i will read when i wake up but i'm just too excited to post??? enjoy AND DON'T FORGET TO GIVE ME FEEDBACK<3

kuroo sent you a text. “babe when you leave work go to my place okay missed you!’’ you love kuroo. you know you love him. but the thing is this scares you. how much you love him, how much you depend on him. it’s scary for you because it is too much. he’s too nice to you. he always tries to be the best even though he already is. he makes you the happiest. he gives you everything he can. at the back of your head you always think that you don’t deserve him, his kindness, his support.

you’re scared. not because love is scary. it’s because loving him is too easy. he makes it too easy but love has never been this easy for you. your relationship with him is too good to be true. that’s why you always think he’s gonna leave you. he’ll get tired of dealing with you. he’ll get sick of you doing nothing. whenever you have a breakdown he’ll think you’re weird. he won’t understand how you deal with things and eventually, he’ll leave. or one day he’ll realize he never loved you and he will leave. in every scenario, he leaves. and you won’t be able to stop him. you won’t be able to make him love you again. and you know that you can't heal from that. you’re scared of getting more attached than you already are. that’s why you’ll leave him first. you’ll leave before he can. but you wanna feel him. you wanna feel his touch, wanna enjoy being in his presence one last time. because he makes you feel good. he always makes you feel the best. and you want that one more time. you reply. “okay, i’ll wait you at your place.’’ so you did. you went to his place. wearing the lingerie he bought for you. and you waited. when he came home, you felt your heart breaking. he was so excited to see you. you engraved his bright smile to your mind. the smile that made your day.. the thought of never being able to see that smile again made your heart clench. but it needed to be done. for the better. and when he kissed you with all the passion he has, you felt guilty. there were so many times you felt that way through the night. and this was one of them. he asked you “baby, is everything alright?’’ you nodded. “sorry, i just felt like i needed to ask. i’m glad everything’s okay.’' and he smiled and kissed you again. you felt the guilt again. you both talked about your days while drinking wine. after both of you got a little tipsy at the couch, his hands started to move around your sides while he kissed you. he placed you in his lap. you pulled his hair while kissing him, eliciting the most sinful moan out of him. he whispered “i fucking love you” into your mouth, choking on his breath. and that alone would be enough to make you wet. he really is so pretty like this. desperate for your touch, lust and admiration in his eyes, all yours. you felt guilty again. because only you knew this was the last time he’ll feel you like this. he gets loud when he drinks, you knew that. but still you were surprised how loud the moan that came out of his mouth when you started grinding. and this made you wanting more. still grinding on now his hard cock, you moaned “tetsu –nrgh ah. j-just fuck me already.’' he chuckled. “okay. let’s get you to the bedroom first, hm?’’ “no. no, i can’t- want you to fuck me here.” you said. “feeling needy today, huh, kitten?’’ you nodded while kissing and biting his neck, giving him bruises. after all, you wanted to feel him more, one last time, right. but giving him marks was evil. it felt like you gave him a reminder of this night, of you leaving. you felt guilty, once again. he lifted you off of his lap so he could unzip his pants. you were lazily kissing him while undoing his shirts buttons. after you were done undressing him, he undressed you in a minute. he touched your sensitive cunt. “you’re already so wet for me sweetheart.’’ you blushed at his comment. he pumped two of his fingers in your pussy, earning a moan from you. “tetsu- wait, stop. i don’t need stretch. just fuck me. please.’’ you said. he looked confused. ‘’whatever you say, kitten.’’ and with that he removed his fingers and licked them. you looked at him weirdly and he said “what? you taste good. can’t i taste my pretty kitten?’’ not being able to form a thought, you only moaned. he moved his now shiny lips to your tits. kissing one and groping the other. “hm? is it that bad if i wanna taste my baby, when she’s all wet for me?’’ he said. you once again, moaned. he bited your nipple while pinching the other. you were growing impatient. pulling his hair you said “are you gonna fuck me or do i need to do that all by myself?’’ “ooh someone’s impatient.

why don’t you do the latter?’’ “oh. i will.’’ with that you put his leaky tip inside of you. earning a groan from him. you began to take his length in. “ yeah that’s my kitten. taking me so well.’’ he praised. after you took all of his length, you waited for him to thrust. he didn’t. so you slowly began to ride him. holding onto his shoulders for support. your agonizingly slow pace made him impatient. wrapping one arm around your waist, other on your back, burying his face on your chest, he controlled the thrusts. you hold his face that was at your chest with both of your arms. you two were holding onto each other. with this position, it almost looked like you two were hugging each other. his thrusts got faster. you pulled his hair and he looked up to you. “tet- tetsu, fuck, i’m so close.’’ you said. he replied, speaking through his teeth “oh yeah? why don’t you come for me then? come all around this dick, huh? you can do that for me, right?’’ with his words you climaxed. your insides squeezing him made him orgasm as well. kissing your forehead he moved you off of his lap. you bursted into tears after some time he got blankets around both of you. you two stayed like that for a minute. “let’s get you clean- woah hey, hey angel? what’s wrong? did i hurt you? tell me, what’s wrong?’’ he said moving his hand to your cheek. you thought about if you should tell him you were gonna leave right now for a minute, still leaning for his touch. and decided it would be the best to tell him now. “tetsu, i’m sorry. i can’t do this anymore.” you said. “y/n? why are you saying this out of nowhere? we were just having a good time, what’s going on?’’ he replied. “i just can’t do this. i’m sorry. you can do much better. i can’t always feel like i’m holding you back from the stuff you wanna do. i can’t always feel like i owe you for loving me. i can’t just sit and wait for you to break my heart. i can’t-’’ “so you’ll leave? over something that didn’t even happen?’’ he cut you off. he looked hurt. you couldn’t answer him. with glossy eyes, choking back on a tear he said “you know, it’s not fair that you were the only one knowing this was the last time i’ll ever touch you.’’ you couldn’t answer him, again. you just cried more. “i’m sorry, tetsu. i fucking hate seeing you like this. i hate to see your heartbreak.’’ you said, crying still. you continued “i know i’ve said i wouldn’t let my past affect my relationship with you. but i failed. i love you and i’m sorry for letting you down like this. i’ll always remember you good. i hope you can too. you’ll always have a special place in my heart. i wish you the best this world can ever give.’’ “y/n, it seems like you’ve already made up your mind. so all i’m gonna say is i love you. i always have, i always will. i hope you’ll be with someone who’ll love you more than me. so that you never doubt their love and actually be happy with them.’’ he replied. you both cried, not looking at each other. you dressed and grabbed your stuff. with red, puffy eyes and rough voice he said “don’t worry about your stuff. i’ll drop them by your house tomorrow.’’ you thanked him. he walked you to the door and opened it for you. “be careful okay, it’s kinda late now.’’ he said. “yeah i will, thanks.’’ you two awkwardly stood at the door frame for a moment. you should’ve leave right then. but you didn’t. instead you hugged him. you wanted to feel his warm hugs one last time. you wanted to feel safe in his arms, just one more time. he hugged you back, he held you as long as he can. you whispered “i’m sorry.’’ to his chest, not knowing if he even heard it. you pulled apart after some time. he patted your back. you looked at him once more, burying his image into your mind. “so. this is it, huh.’’ he said. “yeah.’’ “goodbye, y/n l/n.’’ “goodbye, kuroo tetsurou.’’

[tommydarlings]

drivers license

pairing: Tom Holland x singer!reader

warnings: sad and heartbreaking again sry, swearing

w/c: 1.1k

Requests: CLOSED 

Summary: Tom and you were maybe young, but you were so in love with each other, right? 

Part 2 ? 

Music Video -> tap here

masterlist

„What do you mean Tom? Are you serious?“  I said while tears were streaming down my face.

„I´m sorry y/n, but we just don´t work out“ he said.

„I thought that you love me“ now i started to get angry.

„I loved you y/n, nothing is holding forever“

„You know what? Fine! It´okay!“

That was the first lie. It wasn´t okay.

„Without you i´m better anyway“

That was the second lie. I fucking need this man.

„When i walk out of this door, then were done!“ I yelled at him.

„Then go y/n“ he said with no expression on his face.

I couldn´t belive that this man, who want´s me out this house- no, out of his whole life, was my boyfriend.  

I grabbed my Jacket and my purse and went out the house.

---

While i was sitting in the Uber that i called a few minutes ago, i searched for money in the pockets of my jacket.

„Ah, Finally i found- what is that?“ I quietly asked myself.

I didn´t pulled out some money, no , i pulled out a paper with lines written on. Suddenly i realized what it was.

„O-oh m-my god“

It  was a short but romantic and lovely song that Tom wrote for me. I know, Tom was an actor and i was the singer in this Relationship, but i loved when he sang something to me or when we sang together. Tom was a really good singer!

Tears started to build up in my eyes as i read each line word for word carefully.

1 month later

I sat on my Couch in my new tiny Apartment while i was watching the news.

Today is my Birthday and i´m sitting at home watching the news while eating pizza… great y/n.

„Hello ladies and gentleman! And welcome to the daily news! Today we got very exciting news! Tom Holland got a new girlfriend!“

„WHAT!?“ i shouted after i heard the ´very exciting´ news.

„His new Girlfriend Lily and he are togheter for already nearly 1 month, could that maybe mean that he met up with Lily while he was in a Relationship with y/n y/l/n?“ said the Reporter with a grin into the camera.

„Bastard“ i murmed before i packed my things and drove to the Studio.

Tom Pov:

„I FUCKING SAW YOU AND HIM MAKING OUT LILY! DON´T EVEN TRY TO LIE TO ME!“ i yelled at my ´Girlfriend´.

„I have no idea what you saw Tom“

So she really wants to play dumb now?!

„You know what? Were over! Leave.“

With a sigh and an bitchy expression on her face she left.

„FUCK“ i shouted at myself before  i picked up my phone and looked trough it if i got any important messages. Suddenly a message from my Calender App popped up.

´Y/N BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY!!!´

„Shit“ i let out a loud sigh before i get into my car and drove to her house.

---

Knock Knock. That was the third time that i knocked on her door now, but nobody opened. Where else could she be?

„The Studio!“ i said to myself before i picked up the bouquet of flowers and drove to the Studio.

When i arrived there i went into the Studio and made my way to the Instruments room, where she´s always sitting on the Piano.

Suddenly i heard at tiny but beautiful voice singing.

y/n.

There she was, on a tiny stool infront of the Piano, singing with her angelic voice.

She just sang a few words that didn´t made any sense, but then she started to sing then lines that she wrote on a piece of paper that laid infront of her.

I got my drivers license last week,

Just like we always talked about,

´Cause you were so excited for me,

To finally drive up to your house,

But today i drove trough the suburbs,

Crying ´cause you weren´t around,

„Fuck, i fell so guilty that i left her and broke her heart“ I thought.

And you´re probably with that blonde girl,

Who always made me doubt,

She´s so much older than me,

She´s everything i´m insecure about,

The lines broke me. Because Lily was older than her. Lily was 22 while y/n just turned 18. Lily was blond. But Lily was never better than y/n, no one could replace her.

Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs,

'Cause how could I ever love someone else?

„Does she still love me?�� I whisperd quietly to himself.

 And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one,

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone,

 „Oh darling, please belive me when i tell you that i´m not okay“  I though.

 Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me,

 „So she found the song“ I whisperd.

 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street,

 „I´m s-so s-sorry darling“ now i started to cry. Fuck.

 And all my friends are tired,

Of hearing how much I miss you, but,

I kinda feel sorry for them

'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do, yeah

Today I drove through the suburbs

And pictured I was driving home to you

 „You can visit me whenever you want darling“ I whisperd with tears in my eyes.

 And I know we weren't perfect,

But I've never felt this way for no one, oh,

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone,

I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me,

 „I mean every single word“ I whisperd to myself with a devasted voice.

 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street,

Red lights, stop signs,

I still see your face in the white cars, front yards,

Can't drive past the places we used to go to,

'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh),

 „Omg, she still loves me“ I though with a tiny smile on my face.

 Sidewalks we crossed,

I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing,

Over all the noise,

God, I'm so blue, know we're through,

But I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh),

I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one,

 „I´ve never felt this way too darling…“  I whisperd to myself.

 And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone,

'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me,

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street,

Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street.

 And there i stood with a bouquet of flowers, tears in my eyes, and a broken heart and a guilty feeling, right behind the girl that i broke and still love.

 a/n: Hope you like this one! Should i make a part 2? My Requests are closed! ily,liz <3

 dt´s

@goodgirlgonetom @majo240820 @misshale21 @itstaskeen @pure-ghost

[golbrocklovely]

can't believe the finale is today. wow…

anyways, here's my review of snc's sixth episode of season two

aka "A Horrifying Encounter at Haunted Black Swan Estate."

something i was thinking about this past week since this episode is that while i liked it, i was hesitant to write a review. i kinda felt like nothing happened in this episode. stuff obviously did, but i just… didn't care about it at all.

maybe it's bc it was so fast pace and it was the shortest episode of this season. maybe it's bc it honestly felt super rushed and even when the episode was posted, little to no one talked about it on my tl or on here.

while i think we all enjoyed it, it definitely is missing something. maybe it needed to be longer, or maybe the investigation could have been a better. not entirely sure.

like, i didn't even take notes during this episode, so i have to go back and rewatch it and i highkey don't want to…. so yeah. but that feeling could also be from the fact i'm tired as hell and want to go to sleep.

i think i'm just gonna point out my favorite parts, and maybe some parts that just stand out, whether good or bad. i'm gonna focus on the psychomanteum at the very end.

i love that the trailer for this episode made it seem so action pack and then literally it was the polar opposite.

i feel like we've all mentioned this before at one time or another, but the dynamic of nate with snc is always top tier. you can clearly tell how much they all love each other and how much they get along in a way that's different from the other ppl snc collab with.

the history of this place seems cool, but snc fumbled on explaining it. jumping from it's more modern history, to it's more ancient/native history was a bit jarring. i think they wanted to let us know that this place is Haunted™ before anything "bad" happened there, but they didn't tell it in a way that made sense.

one of the funnier moments that happened in the beginning was them pointing out the dead roses and being like "that's like heartbreaking" and i'm just looking around my room at all of my dead roses. i buy myself half bouquets quasi-frequently and instead of trashing them when they dry up and die, i keep them. idk why but i've always liked the look of dead roses. idk what that says about me, but that's something to worry about for another day.

sam twerking to nate's piano playing… same.

the history of joline and park is very confusing to me. idk if snc just didn't tell it right or what, but like…. i just don't understand what the fuck happened between these two. i think they were married, he was seeing someone else. she MIGHT have been seeing someone else as well. she died in the house, and he killed himself in the house…? maybe? or was murdered? also they don't know whether or not she died bc of breast cancer or someone pushing her down the stairs, maybe???? like, i'm interested and i want to know, but i'm not looking this up lol sorry

do you know what's funny? as i'm rewatching this back, i'm reminded of something that i have thought of before but i'm not entirely sure i ever said it on here: when snc are in a time crunch to get something out, for some reason, they will do more with the editing. not that it makes it better, but they will literally add in more clips, or b-roll, or just do quirky things with the editing that they don't do otherwise. which probably in hindsight makes the editing process longer.

so those wet footprints… they never checked to see if there was someone in the house with them lol idk why i expect better from the boys that got their house broken into multiple times and car broken into when there were signs telling them not to leave their shit in the car

another thing i just realized: why don't snc just use the spirit box the same way they do with the estes method, instead without the blindfold? clearly when they use the box without headphones on they have no idea what it's saying, and neither do we, so like…. just put headphones on. or get a really good speaker that makes it clear to everyone what it's saying.

the stuff they did in the barn was fine. kinda boring, mostly bc i couldn't understand a lick of what was being said thru the spirit box. but whatever, it was fine.

the gazebo stuff was a bit better than the barn. first off, them seeing a figure in the window… again, now it really makes me think someone was in the house with them and they just didn't know. but i can only imagine how scary that would be regardless of if you thought it was a person or a ghost. secondly, the flashlight stuff was kinda cool. whether or not you believe that to be true, it was interesting how it was answering them right on point.

snc scaring nate was hilarious. but, why did they need to to take their shirts off ?? i'm not mad about it. just confused haha

"i don't know whether to be terrified or aroused" is basically how i feel every time snc post a new video sksksksks

the estes method with nate was really cool. but again, i just wish they would chill and let the words come out naturally, and not try to piece everything together the very instant they're said.

the psychomanteum: i actually really liked this. i don't think it's something they should do at every investigation, but occasionally doing it at maybe some of the more haunted places would be pretty cool. and just like the estes method, when colby did it (both normal and then with the estes method) i got hella uncomfortable. maybe it's just bc he gets so into it and it just concerns me a bit, idk. but did anyone else notice colby spoke about how he couldn't really see what his face looked like, paused for a bit, and then randomly said "the way… that they would" and then went into something else entirely about how his eyes looked???? bc that part freaked me the fuck out. i legit thought for a split second "omg colby's possessed" bc wtf was he even trying to say there? it's around 29:29, in case you're curious. i feel like colby could have been onto something, but he kept freaking himself out.

sam and nate doing it was also interesting, but for different reasons. sam seeing that vision of an older man was honestly super chilling but sick. and then nate, oh nate, just going into solilique mode was funny. obsidian wells would be a cool band name, if anyone is looking for one lol

and then when they did this method and the estes method together… idk if they thought something crazy was gonna happen or bc they were putting two things together it would make the info they get more powerful or whatnot. either way, it went like any other estes method except colby looked like he was about to pass out from exhaustion by the end. i'm not sure why they all harped on finding out how she died. whether it was maliciously intended or not, she clearly didn't want to talk about it. and either way it doesn't change the fact she's gone and park killed himself.

overall, i think this episode was okay. i didn't mind it, and rewatching it was fine. probably would have been better if i was just not as tired. i'd rate this a 3.8/5. it was good, but also kinda meh. i'm genuinely curious what the finale has in store for us. hopefully it's solid.